SPAMALOT Monologues HISTORIAN England 932 A.D. A Kingdom divided. To the West the Anglo-Saxons, to the East the French. Above nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland. In Gwynned, Powys, and Dyfed – Plague. In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, and Essex and Kent – Plague. In Mercia and the two Anglias – Plague: with a 50% chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour. Legend tells of an extraordinary leader, who arose from the chaos, to unite a troubled kingdom, a man with a vision who gathered Knights together in a Holy Quest. This man was Arthur, King of the Britons. For this was England!

DENNIS Oh, king, eh, very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you! If I went around saying I was an emperor just because some moistened twit had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away! Soggy old blondes with their backsides in ponds can't replace the electorate.

HISTORIAN And so, King Arthur gathered more Knights together, bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land to sit at the Round Table. The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere, the dashingly handsome Sir Galahad, the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot, Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot; who slew the vicious chicken of Bristol and who personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill. And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-show. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries… The Knights of the Round Table!

LANCE Leave him alone! This poor little chap is your son, sir. All he ever wanted was a little love and affection, but did you ever give it to him? No, no… (Becoming emotional) … I'll wager you denied him. You try to kill him, and worse, far worse, you try to marry him off to some girl, some female that he obviously has no feelings for whatsoever. Yes, yes I know a little bit about bullying fathers. Have you no heart? Have you no human tenderness? Can't you see that all he's asking for is a little love and understanding? (Almost overcome) Is that too much to ask? Is it? Too Much! To Ask!

Footloose Monologues SHAW: I’m standing before you this morning with a very troubled heart. You see, my friends, as your minister, I should be helping you to find the joy in your lives; last night I realized that I haven’t been doing that. After all, we all remember that terrible night five years ago when the lives of four young people ended on the Potawney Bridge. Everyone in this community lost someone that night – a child, a neighbor, a friend. I –Vi and I – we lost our son. Ariel lost her brother. Now, somehow I got into my head that my loss was the greatest. That my pain was the deepest. And then, last night, someone much younger than I made me realize how tightly I had been holding onto that memory. A memory that has weighed me down as surely as a great stone.

RUSTY: There were these four kids we all grew up with. And they were driving back from a big dance over in Baylor County. Now, maybe it was the rain that night, maybe they were being a little wild, but somehow they lost control of the car. It skidded across the bridge, crashed through the railing, and fell thirty-five feet into the Potawney River. And when the sheriff’s office published the autopsy report it claimed there was alcohol in their blood. Well! Everybody in town went nuts. That’s when Reverend Moore got so righteous. He started blaming anything and everything –liquor, drugs, rock and roll…and dancing.

VI: We’re losing her. She has become willful and obstinate…Like her father. You might be her spiritual guardian, but you used to be her friend. The accident changed everything. Ever since Bobby’s death, you make impossible demands on Ariel. He was my son, too! Shaw, it’s been twenty-one years I’ve been a minister’s wife, and after all that time, I still feel that you’re a wonderful preacher. You can lift a congregation up so high, they have to look down to see heaven. It’s the one-on-one where you need a little work.

REN: We both are. You and me. We’ve both lost somebody. And even though people say they understand, they don’t really. I bet you stop a hundred times a day and wonder “why?” I do. I wonder why’d my Dad leave? Was it something I did? Something I didn’t do? Could I have made him stay? Maybe I could bring him back? But I can’t. But I don’t have to tell you. You know what that’s like. So, I guess I came to town frustrated and angry, and it felt really good to kick up a fuss. And I know it got people upset, and I’m sorry for that. But I’m just trying to move on. Because I’m so tired of looking back.