Copyright © 2020 Julie Hunter best of All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or used in any manner, including print or digital, without the written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. flash fiction

First paperback and e-edition July 2020. Principal photography, recipes, and stories by Julie Hunter. Graphic design by Isa Crosta, http://isacrosta.com/. kitchen’s Additional photography by Cyrus Luhr and Luke Walter. pithy tales & paleo treats ISBN: 978-1-7351687-1-5

The content in this book is for entertainment and inspiration purposes only. The author is not a medical professional and the recipes contained within this book are not meant to 25 original paleo and aip recipes treat, cure, or prevent any disease or illness. Please seek the advice of a qualified profession- with accompanying stories and poems al regarding any dietary changes.

The stories and poems in this book are works of fiction. Names, characters, events, and places are products of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is purely coincidental. by Published in 2020 by Highlands Press. julie hunter

highlands press table of contents

7 introduction 8 glossary & key

recipes stories & poems

9 breakfast & baked goods Dedicated to my loyal readers, and the paleo and aip 11 blueberry pancakes 13 belarusian berries communities for helping me find my way 15 biscuits 17 ode to biscuits 19 cranberry scones 20 the bell-tower 23 crêpes with peach sauce 24 tennessee sojourn 27 cassava bread 28 “the best bread ever” 31 bagels 32 alt-bakers of the future unite

35 appetizers & snacks 37 cauliflower ‘gouda’ cheese 38 three blind mice do space 41 herb & garlic crackers 42 three blind mice on the moon 45 cassava ‘mozzo’ cheese 46 three blind mice in the tropics 49 cassava latkes 51 latke lyrics 53 onion rings 54 igor sees space 57 meat pies 58 how to tame a dragon (with pie) 61 sausage rolls 62 little ollie arrives 65 homemade paleo graham crackers 66 a witch’s tale

69 entrees & pasta 71 lengua tacos 72 l.a. adventures part i 75 fish tacos 76 l.a. adventures part ii 79 carnitas 80 l.a. adventures part iii 83 burgers & sliders 84 goldilocks speaks 87 sweet potato gnocchi 89 gnocchi beats part i 91 cassava gnocchi 93 gnocchi beats part ii 95 ‘cheesy’ noodles 97 a gooey ooey oodly poodly poem

99 dessert 101 cassava cake 102 fiji sevens 105 blueberry pie 106 that maine life 109 fig rolls 110 three little figgies 113 scottish shortbread 114 the real santa

116 index 117 about the author introduction

Dear readers,

For those of you new to Flash Fiction Kitchen, wel- This collection is a mix of those comfort food clas- come to my world of pithy tales and paleo treats, as sics – the most popular from the blog, along with a the tagline goes. For the past few years, I’ve churned few of my personal favorites. The recipes and accom- out as much food and fiction as my shared kitch- panying writings are largely the originals, with a few ens and day jobs would accommodate – indulging edits and substitutions. As with all my recipes, these in fanciful pillowy gnocchi, heart-shaped muffins, are templates, designed to be experimented upon princesses, dragons, and strange freeform thought further, with the flexibility and ingenuity so many poetry as I traipsed around the world collecting new alternative cooks possess. I invite you to modify at ingredients and ideas. will and find what works best for you. These I tossed up on the Internet and social me- This past year, as life intensified and the world dia, delighted that others seemed to share my love changed, the ffk blog project reached its natural of creative cooking and writing, and tolerate my culmination. My desire to cook diminished, replaced attempts to fuse the two. The process has served as with the need to take up other writing projects (hel- a cathartic creative outlet, as I sought my way back lo novels) and let food recede into the background from a health dip which necessitated a shift to an – pleasurable and essential to survival, but not a autoimmune-paleo way of eating. I found myself time-intensive obsession. I will continue to post the seeking comfort throughout the transition, and, occasional new creation (@flashfictionkitchen), and anything being possible when your cake cravings are make available those recipes that are not included strong enough, developed as many paleo alternatives here or in future Korean and dessert collections. of old favorites as time and stamina would allow. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy. Use this book They may not all have the nutrient punch of your as a jumping off point to indulge in your own creative classic liver-oyster-kale ball, but as one blogger put it, projects (culinary, literary or otherwise!). As your they will nourish your soul – allowing you to maintain humble narrator once opined, “no matter how we some sense of normalcy and ease the transition to an feel, we can still go make some art.” evolution-friendly way of eating.

Love and good health, Julie

Photo credit: Luke Walter glossary & key

A few terms to help you navigate the recipes:

AIP (Autoimmune paleo, or autoimmune protocol): time a subset of the paleo diet which focuses on non-in- prep time flammatory, nutrient-dense foods like organ meat, cook time seafood, and vegetables, and eliminates processed chill time food and autoimmune triggers such as nightshades, total time caffeine, preservatives, sugar, eggs, nuts, seeds, and alcohol. For more, visit www.thepaleomom.com/start- servings or yield here/the-autoimmune-protocol. c cup measurement tsp teaspoon measurement breakfast & P (Paleo): an evolutionary nutritional approach that tb tablespoon measurement focuses on foods that are unprocessed and nutri- oz ounces ent dense, including high-quality meats, seafood, lb pounds vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, eggs, healthy fats, acv apple cider vinegar baked goods and natural/unrefined sweeteners. For more, visit df dairy-free paleoleap.com/paleo-101 or chriskresser.com/20-things- you-didnt-know-about-paleo. *A note about liquid amounts in recipes. These often vary (e.g. ½ - 1 c of water/coconut milk), typically because dif- V (Vegan or vegan-friendly): containing no animal or ferent brands of cassava and tigernut flour absorb different dairy products. Note: where grass-fed gelatin is called amounts of liquid (Otto’s, for instance, absorbs quite a bit). for, feel free to omit or sub agar-agar – this will make So it is best to use your judgment when it comes time to add many of the recipes (not otherwise noted) vegan. liquid to a mix, stopping when the mixture looks like the Same goes for honey (sub maple syrup or coconut right consistency (I’ve provided guidance to help with this sugar). throughout the recipes).

Seasoning amounts (especially for salt) also vary; I tend to like more salt for flavor, but feel free to reduce if preferred.

8 — glossary & key (PALEO, AIP, VEGAN) blueberry pancakes 10' + 25' = 35' · yield: 14 small-medium pancakes

This is a quick, easy pancake recipe that doesn't require eggs or nut flours. Coconut milk makes a richer version, water for liquid is fine too. Adjust the liquid content as needed (amount can vary based on flour brands), batter should be spoon-able but not runny. Feel free to sub other fruit or omit blue- berries to make these regular pancakes.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

2 ripe medium-sized bananas 1. Mix all ingredients (except oil for cooking) together well, in order listed. (~2/3 c mashed) 2. Put a tsp of oil in a nonstick pan over medium heat. When oil is warm, spoon out ~2 tb of batter into pan. Shape lightly with spoon into round 1 c cassava flour pancake shape. ½ c tigernut flour 3. Cook about 3 - 5 minutes per side (flip when edges are brown and bub- ¾ c - 1 c coconut milk or water bles have appeared on the surface). Finish or keep warm in the oven (at ~250/275ºF). 2 tb coconut or olive oil 4. Serve warm, with maple syrup, more blueberries, or just eat plain! 1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp sea salt

2 tsp ground cinnamon

1 c fresh blueberries

1 tb apple cider vinegar

2 tb coconut or avocado oil for cooking

10 — blueberry pancakes breakfast & baked goods — 11 belarusian berries

Dusty woods Campfires above the banks of the Berezina river Mosquitoes and tangles of dense undergrowth Roasting chicken, fresh-cut cucumbers and tomatoes Berries peek through the reticent nation A posse of reveling campers descend upon them.

In the northlands of the island of Ice Past sulfurous fields, tempered hot springs And a towering crater of ash Lie hills of plump blueberries. Converts to jam and pie, They greet the northern sun with aspects of earthiness.

The Hudson tributary winds north of the city Through valley and hill A gaggle of hikers tread beaten paths Nature-loving hipsters and young urbanites Thickets of tiny wild berries, the first of the season, Exchanging bug bites for the literal fruits of our labor The primal desire is met – we sleep well these nights.

12 — blueberry pancakes breakfast & baked goods — 13 (PALEO, AIP) biscuits 10' + 25' = 35' · yield: 4 - 6 biscuits

I'm a sucker for biscuits (the North American kind, although I'm also a sucker for British biscuits aka cookies in uncouth North American speak), having grown up eating my dad's nearly every weekend as a kid. Consequently, I have made about 50 biscuit recipes since going paleo, and it is only this one I deem worthy to present to you.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

1.25 c cassava flour 1. Preheat oven to 425ºF.

¾ c tigernut flour 2. Mix dry ingredients (first 5), then cut in cold lard/fat with a pastry cutter until mixture reaches a dry, pea-sized crumble consistency. 1 tsp grass-fed gelatin 3. Add milk/water and acv. Gently pat or mix together until everything ½ tsp baking soda adheres (don't overmix). Roll out on parchment paper and cut out bis- cuit shapes. 1 tsp sea salt 4. Bake at 425ºF for 15 minutes, then turn down to 375ºF and bake for 6 - 8 6 tb cold leaf lard, ghee (aip re-intro), more minutes. or coconut oil (V)

¾ c coconut milk or water

2 tsp apple cider vinegar

14 — biscuits breakfast & baked goods — 15 ode to biscuits

Wake up to a morning sunrise Earth is turning on its core RobinsWake up pick to aaround morning the sunrise garden Look forEarth bugs is and turning treats on and its coreraw things FlowerRobins trees pick seemaround glad the to garden see me Look forFeeling bugs restedand treats and andrestored raw things FlowerStretching trees aches seem and glad sleep to see away me FeelingGetting rested ready and for therestored day FromStretching downstairs aches the and sound sleep of awayparents ReadyingGetting ready our family for the meal day FromBacon downstairs wafting through the sound the of ceiling parents PoppingReadying sizzles, our cracks family and meal peals, Bacon wafting through the ceiling PoppingFrom the sizzles, oven warm cracks and and toasty peals, Atoms forming crumb and cozy FromRounded the oven pats warm of pure and delight toasty AtomsBreaking forming open, crumbsteam andand lightcozy We Roundedsit down andpats sunof pure pours delight through MistingBreaking leaves open, of steam green and and light blue WeGather sit down here and this sunSunday pours morning through WhoMisting knows leaves what of the green week and will blue bring GatherBut biscuits, here this food Sunday and morningfamily WhoAre knows surely what here theworth week honoring. will bring But biscuits, food and family Are surely here worth honoring.

16 — biscuits breakfast & baked goods — 17 (PALEO, AIP) cranberry scones 15' + 25' = 40' · yield: 8 scones

These scones are jolly good - light and flavorful, with a lovely soft crumb. Careful with the baking details; substitutions (especially different flours) will change the end result. Liquid amount can vary based on flour brands, adjust as needed. Follow your baker’s intuition with this one and you should have cafe-style scones to enjoy in your home (that are dairy, grain, nut, sugar, and egg-free)!

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

1.25 c cassava flour 1. Preheat oven to 425ºF. Line a baking pan with parchment paper and dust with tapioca/arrowroot starch. ¾ c tigernut flour 2. Whisk together dry ingredients (flours, gelatin, baking soda, salt, cin- 1.5 tsp grass-fed gelatin namon). Add zest, sweetener, and vanilla, and mix with a fork.

½ tsp baking soda 3. Grate or food process your frozen fat into the mixture and gently incor- porate (don't over-mix). ¼ tsp sea salt 4. Mix in cranberries. 2 tsp ground cinnamon 5. Add milk (start with ½ c) and acid (lemon/lime/acv) and mix gently until zest of 1 large lemon or 2 limes you can pat the dough together in a ball. If dough seems too sticky to handle, add more cassava flour. 3 tb honey or 4 tb maple syrup 6. Form ball into a thick disk and place on floured parchment paper. Pat 1 tsp vanilla extract disk down until dough circle is about 1 - 1.5 inches high. Cut into eight triangles using a floured knife or bench scraper. Separate scones from 6 tb frozen leaf lard, ghee, each other. or coconut oil (V) 7. Bake at 425ºF for 12 minutes, then lower temperature to 375ºF and bake 1.5 c cranberries for another 8 - 13 minutes. 8. Mix glaze, and apply (squeeze bottle is easiest) over scones after they've ½ c - 1.25 c coconut milk cooled. Enjoy with tea or a good book! 2 tsp lemon/lime juice or acv

Tapioca or arrowroot starch for dusting Glaze

¼ c coconut cream (from a chilled can of coconut milk)

1 tb honey or maple syrup

1 tb tapioca or arrowroot starch

18 — cranberry scones breakfast & baked goods — 19 the bell-tower circular hut made of bent branches and tree bark in the middle of a wide clearing. “Let’s go,” said Arnold. lizabeth, Peter, Mary, and Arnold stood around the banister of the They arrived at the edge of the opening, where their feet sunk into E great house, peering through the rails at Mrs. Guernsey and the a watery bog. Bending down to free themselves, they were suddenly boarders sitting around the Christmas dinner table. surrounded by thousands of floating red berries. “You’d think they could have at least let us sit in the kitchen to eat,” “What are these?” asked Mary, scooping up a handful. said Peter. A loud grumble came from his stomach. The others shook their heads, looking unsure. Peter bit one in half. You can eat with the servants, after the guests’ meal, Mrs. Guernsey had “Sour,” he said. “But not bad. I bet Cook could make something good instructed them. with ’em. Come on, let’s fill our pockets.” “Mum will be miffed when she finds out,” said Arnold. “She hates The children scooped up berries until their pockets bulged. Sud- late mealtimes.” denly, Mary yelped. The others looked up to see a figure by the wooden “She’s not likely to care when she and Dad are off on safari,” said hut, shirtless, wearing beads around his neck and carrying a small axe. Mary, tossing her hair. “Whoa,” said Arnold. “Do you think he’s one of those vagabonds Mrs. “Come on,” said Elizabeth, the eldest. “Let’s go explore the house Guernsey was warning us about?” while they’re eating.” The others got up, cheered by the idea of peeking The man shook his axe at them and began speaking in a strange, into guest rooms. A few minutes later, they were in Mrs. Guernsey’s very unfamiliar language. own chambers. Elizabeth and Mary were busy inspecting the house- “He sounds angry. Come on, let’s get out of here,” said Peter. The keeper’s soap when Arnold’s voice rang out from the hallway. children ran back into the woods. “Someone’s coming!” The others tripped over each other in their “In here!” said Elizabeth, pointing to a dark cave. They darted in, and haste, only to find Arnold alone in the hall, doubled over with laughter. found themselves blinking in the light of the downstairs hall outside Peter delivered his younger brother a swift kick in the backside, and the servants’ quarters. proceeded to lead them to the forbidden west wing. They climbed the “Did that just—” long winding stairs up to the bell-tower, overlooking a green span of Peter shook his head. “We must have fallen asleep. Strange dreams fields and forests. There, at the front of the room, was a door – a building in this house.” error, opening up to air and the outside of the stone tower, five stories The others looked skeptical. “I don’t know,” said Elizabeth. “We all above the ground. Arnold traipsed over and started jiggling the lock. saw him, right? Why would we all have the same dream?” “Better stop that,” warned Peter. Before any of the kids knew what Mary stuck her hands in her pockets and gave another cry. She pulled was happening, the door sprang open and Arnold disappeared. Shriek- out a handful of bright red berries. ing, Elizabeth and Peter ran to the edge, only to disappear as well. Beside “Hmm—” said Peter. herself, Mary ran to the door and felt herself sucked over the threshold “Shh,” said Elizabeth. “Let’s not talk about it here.” by a force too strong to withstand. She landed with a thump and opened “Back to the west tower!” said Arnold. her clenched eyes to find herself in a thicket of maple trees, next to her “Tomorrow,” said Elizabeth firmly. “In the meantime, what do we siblings. do with these berries?” “Where are we?” she asked. “Give ‘em to Cook. Just don’t tell her where we got them.” “We must have fallen into the park…somehow,” said Peter, with a A few hours later, it was teatime and the children found the luscious note of doubt. berries folded into Cook’s excellent scones. There they seemed to fit, “Come on,” said Elizabeth. “Let’s look around, while we’re here.” The making the children wonder if they hadn’t come from Houndsten Park children began to wander through the woods. The trees were slender after all. There would be no way to know for certain. Not until they and young, and a bright winter sun shone through them. found their way back to the bell-tower. “Brrr,” said Mary. “It’s freezing.” “Strange,” said Peter. “It wasn’t cold in the carriage house this morning.” ••• “Look!” said Elizabeth. “What’s that over there?” She pointed at a

20 — cranberry scones breakfast & baked goods — 21 (PALEO, AIP, VEGAN) crêpes with peach sauce 10' + 20' = 30' · serves: 2 - 3

These crêpes are an easy, fast breakfast treat and great portable snack. You can make peach or any type of fruit or berry sauce with what you have on hand.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS Crêpes 1. Cut up peaches or nectarines and place in a pot with other sauce ingre- dients. Bring to a boil, then turn heat to a simmer and let the fruit cook ½ c cassava flour down (~15 - 20 minutes).

1 c tigernut flour 2. While peach sauce is cooking, make crêpe batter, mixing ingredients well in order listed. ½ tsp baking soda 3. Heat up non-stick pan on medium heat. 1 tb melted ghee (non-aip/v), 4. Spoon out about ¼ c of batter onto warmed pan and swirl pan above olive oil or coconut oil (V) heat to form circular crêpe shape. pinch of sea salt 5. Cook for 3 - 4 minutes until slightly brown on cooked side. Flip and cook for another couple minutes. Repeat until finished. 1.25 - 1.5 c coconut milk or water 6. Serve with peach sauce. 1 tsp cinnamon

2 tsp apple cider vinegar

olive or coconut oil for cooking Peach sauce

4 - 5 ripe peaches or nectarines

1 tsp lemon juice or acv

1 tsp ground cinnamon

pinch of sea salt

¼ c water

22 — crêpes with peach sauce breakfast & baked goods — 23 tennessee sojourn preserves we had slathered over pancakes and toast throughout the week. She didn’t say anything, of course, but my happy look as we drove off seemed to transgress the boundaries of sound, if the tears in her still remember the trip down, what would have taken an adult less eyes showed anything. I than a day taking four with three kids. But we had fun, stopping That was our first and only time in Tennessee, and the first and at a water park and the famous Luray Caverns, sleeping in motels and only time I’ve seen my aunt. Twenty six years later, the memories are visiting chain diners along the way. When we reached the cloudy green there, triggered by the strident sweetness of peaches and any darkly hills of Tennessee, we had all the jittery energy of three kids cooped up gray stones, pulling me to a plane where I can grasp my aunt’s hand for days in a car with limited wrestling space, in which I got squashed and reach her understanding. repeatedly by my brothers by virtue of being the youngest, smallest, and only girl. ••• As we piled out of the car and left our parents to sort luggage, my aunt and uncle came out of their two-bedroom ranch to greet us. It was our first time meeting, and, for Uncle Arlis, our only time. He had met my aunt in the U.S. some years ago, in Florida. All I knew about him was he was an older vet, and, according to my mom, “a very nice man.” They had lived for most of my aunt’s years in the U.S. in this remote neck of the valley, where flint rocks dotted the road and bushy peach trees lined the backyard garden. They seemed to have achieved some peace in what must have been two challenging lives. My aunt smiled and laid out cots for me and my brothers in the mid- dle of the small living room. For the next few days we did nothing but run like zephyrs around the gray hills and valleys, racing each other down dirt paths in the light Tennessee rain, trying and failing to start fires using flint and nothing else. I hung out in the kitchen, trying to build rapport with my aunt – at one point writing a long epistle about our journey, describing the water slides at the park and asking my dad how to spell stalagmite and stalactite so I could regale her with a detailed account of our adventures. I proceeded to read aloud what I’d writ- ten, acting out parts with the wild abandon of a six-year-old. My aunt watched me closely, smiling and nodding throughout my rendition. Even now I’m not sure how much she understood. Our last day came quickly, and soon we were standing under a cloudy sky, waving vigorous goodbyes as we got ready for the longer-seeming journey back home. As we pulled out of the driveway, my aunt ran to the car and handed me a jar of peach jam – the delicious home-made

24 — crêpes with peach sauce breakfast & baked goods — 25 (PALEO, AIP, VEGAN) cassava bread 5' + 50' = 55' · serves: 3 - 4

Still my go-to flatbread in a pinch – takes next to no time to prepare if you have pre-grated cassava (usually found in the frozen section of ethnic grocery stores). If you can’t find pre-grated cassava, you can also peel and grate or food-process (or simply boil and mash) fresh cassava. This bread is great as a pizza crust base, or as stand-alone garlic bread. The longer you bake it the crispier it gets – feel free to add other flavorings at will.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

2 lbs frozen grated cassava (~4 c) 1. Defrost the grated cassava (if using frozen) and mix all the ingredients together well (mixture will be somewhat liquid-y). ½ c olive oil or melted coconut oil 2. Pour onto a parchment paper-lined flat (around 10x15”) baking tray (can 2 - 3 tsp sea salt adjust size in accordance w/ desired thickness of bread).

2 tb nutritional yeast (optional) 3. Bake at 375ºF for 40 - 50 minutes, until edges of bread are brown and crispy, and top is slightly browned. 5 - 6 cloves fresh minced garlic, or 4. Share with the Frodo in your life (or maybe just eat it all yourself). 1 tb garlic powder (optional)

1 tsp black pepper (optional, non-aip)

2 tb dried or fresh chopped rosemary (optional)

Photo credit: Cyrus Luhr

26 — cassava bread breakfast & baked goods — 27 “the best bread ever” fragrant scents of rosemary and garlic. “What is it?” “Beggars can’t be choosers, Mr. Frodo – but if they could, they’d choose that. Fit for a king, if I do say so myself. Even the elves wouldn’t an, it’s a long way to Mordor,” complained Frodo. “Can I have turn their noses down at it. So next time you’re feeling peckish, you “M a piggyback ride?” leave the lembas to me, and stick with that.” “No,” snapped Sam. “No more piggyback rides.” Sam had had enough. Frodo took a bite of the fresh, hot bread, and a look of wonder came He was drawing the line. All Frodo had done was complain and ask for over his face. piggyback rides, and frankly Sam was sick of it. Who made Frodo mas- “Why Sam…this is, like, the best bread ever! Guess we’d better hur- ter, anyway? As far as Sam was concerned, all Frodo had done was acci- ry so I can have more for dinner!” He leapt to his feet with newfound dentally inherit an evil magic ring. Sam was the one who actually knew energy, and the hobbits continued on their way. how to do useful things, like garden, and cook. What a useless lug, he thought. ••• “Sorry Sam,” said Frodo meekly. “Could I have some lembas bread then? Feeling a bit peckish.” Sam reached into his pack and pulled out a few crackers from his dwindling supply. “Pace yourself,” he started to say, but Frodo had al- ready grabbed the whole bunch of crackers and stuffed them in his mouth, spraying crumbs all over his velvet vest. Sam sighed and took out his map to check their route. “Once we reach the peak, we’ll camp for the night,” he said. “Okay,” agreed Frodo. But they had barely gone a half mile before Frodo was hunched over, gripping his stomach. “What’s wrong now, Mr. Frodo?” “Those lembas crackers…ooh…not sitting so well,” gasped Frodo. Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Sam reached for an unopened package and began to read: “Salt from the Elvish seas, whole, unpro- cessed flaxen wheat from organic Lothlorien fields, fresh, raw milk from Elven cows…” Frodo’s stomach rumbled loudly. “Argh,” said Sam. “Stay here.” Stupid bugger, he thought to himself, as he backtracked down the mountain. Never follows his doctor’s orders. But he did feel a bit guilty for not checking the package beforehand. Arriving at the bottom of the mountain, Sam stopped at a field of stocky green plants which bore a striking resemblance to a certain Schedule-I plant that shall remain unnamed and doesn’t even enter into this story, minus this short illus- trative analogy. He sat down in the dirt and dug at the base of the plants until he had uncovered several large, brown tubers. After peeling and grating the tubers with his pocketknife, he built a small fire and soon his concoction was browning in a makeshift oven of volcanic stones. An hour later, he had packed everything up and was on his way back to Frodo. “Here you are,” said Sam, handing Frodo a hot, steaming parcel. Photo credit: Cyrus Luhr Frodo sniffed the package a few times, his nostrils filling with the

28 — cassava bread breakfast & baked goods — 29 (PALEO, AIP) bagels 15' + 45' = 60' · yield: 3 large, 4 medium, or 6 small bagels

Here is a quick & easy aip bagel recipe. A yeasted version of these might yield more rise or air pockets – feel free to experiment.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

1 c cassava flour 1. Preheat oven to 425ºF.

¾ c tigernut flour 2. Start heating up water in wide/big pot. 3. Mix bagel ingredients together in order listed (whisk together dry be- ½ tsp baking soda fore adding liquid). When adding water, start with ¾ c and add more 1 tsp cream of tartar (optional) as needed to get dough to adhere. 4. Form into bagel shapes. Dough should be damp, not crumbly, and not 1 tb grass-fed gelatin too wet or sticky to hold its shape. (I formed mine into a round disc 1 tsp sea salt shape while working a hole in the middle and smoothing out the edges.)

1 tb olive oil 5. Drop bagel dough into boiling water with enough space between each bagel so they don't stick to each other. 1 - 1.5 c water 6. Bagels should rise to the top in a minute or so. 2 tsp apple cider vinegar 7. Once they do let them cook for ~1 - 2 minutes there, then flip them and let them cook for another ~1 - 2 minutes. 8. Gently remove bagels with a slotted spoon, sprinkle with any desired 1 pot of boiling water toppings, and place on parchment paper-lined tray. (w/ 2 tsp salt added) 9. Bake at 425ºF for ~20 minutes and then 375ºF for another 20 - 25 minutes until brown on tops and bottoms (outside should be hard when you tap it and inside cooked completely).

30 — bagels breakfast & baked goods — 31 alt-bakers Abigail quickly downloads every single report and recipe she can find on bagels – many of which she already possesses in her data file, of the future unite having obsessed over the topic for some time. She reviews them quickly, researches the alternatives, and sets about experimenting. By the time her parents come home, the kitchen is a Jackson Pollock of spilt flour The date is 2058 – the year known in the history annals as the Great and spattered water, the tiny apartment toasty from the oven – but Bagel Famine. In this year, widespread grain shortages, striking artisan there, sitting on the table, are four spherical rings, crusty brown on the bakers, and growing intolerance in the general population lead to a vast outside, stretchy, with an open crumb. drop in bagel production. The industry is truly disrupted, with magical Abigail looks from the bagels to her parents and smiles at them. dough rings and lox-caper vehicles disappearing off the shelves of the They smile back. ever-dwindling gourmet nyc delis. Clean water cannot be spared for “Now, if we only had some cream cheese,” says Dad. the luxury of boiling non-vital foodstuffs. Diners turn to alternative Abigail quickly downloads all of her cream cheese files. crackers and breads made from nuts and scarce starches, when they “Leave it to me, Dad,” she says. “I’m on it.” can be procured. To 8-year-old Abigail, the bagel famine is a travesty. She has grown ••• up listening to the stories of her grandmother, who came of age during the golden decade – the ‘90s, a time of largesse, when bagels abounded and nyc delis enjoyed preeminence as street corner landmarks through- out the city. Abigail remembers her grandmother’s story of the first time she tried a bagel with salty, smoked lox and fresh cream cheese. It was still the best thing she’d ever eaten, Gran would say. Abigail plans to run away to the city the first chance she gets, go up to one of those deli counters and order the exact same bagel sandwich from a gruff bearded nyc deli man. She’s run the scenario over in her mind a hundred times. But now, it is not to be. The reporters make the announcement over live eye-cam, heralding the end of the bagel era, with strict new quotas and penalties for anyone who violates their allowed ration – one bagel a decade. Abigail bursts into tears upon hearing the news. It’s bad enough that she has to live in an energy-efficient pod in the center of Connecti- cut; now her chances of realizing her very first dream are shattered too. Abigail lies on her bed for a while, moping. Frustration gets the bet- ter of her, and she makes her way into the tiny, space-efficient kitchen. There, she takes out every single pantry item, staring at them for a good minute. She is sure the solution lies hidden in the ingredients before her – it has to, because that is their entire food allotment for the month, unless she tries to secure more on the dark web – no easy task for an 8-year-old.

32 — bagels breakfast & baked goods — 33 appetizers & snacks (PALEO, AIP, DF) cauliflower ‘gouda’ cheese 15' + 15' + 4h = 4h30' · serves: 3 - 4

The people need a good cheese recipe, if you ask me. This cheese slices, grates, melts and tastes closer to real cheese than any I’ve tried so far (and it’s passed multiple non-paleo taste tests*) - thus it pleaseth me greatly. Hopefully it pleaseth you too.

*Quote from Julie’s skeptical dad: “Whoa! Amazing. It tastes like actual cheese.”

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

2 c cauliflower (cooked & drained) 1. Bloom gelatin in coconut milk.

4 - 6 cloves of minced garlic or 2. Steam cauliflower and garlic until cooked through and drain any excess water. 2 tsp garlic powder 3. Blend cauliflower with all other ingredients (including bloomed gelatin) 4 - 6 tb nutritional yeast while cauliflower is still warm, until mixture is as smooth as possible. 1 - 1.5 tsp sea salt 4. Pour mixture into container (lined with parchment paper for easier removal) directly, or cook it stove-top over low heat for 5 - 10 minutes 2 tb ghee (aip re-intro), beef tallow, until the starch thickens (mixture will become gooey and congeal a bit), or coconut oil and then pour into mold. The no-cook version yields a slightly lighter cheese, and the cooked version a darker, stretchier cheese (I like both). 2 tb coconut cream (optional) 5. After pouring the mixture into the lined container, leave in refrigerator 2 tsp lemon juice or apple cider overnight to set. vinegar

1 tsp ground turmeric

3 tb grass-fed gelatin

¼ c coconut milk

3 tb tapioca flour or arrowroot starch

36 — cauliflower ‘gouda’ cheese appetizers & snacks — 37 three blind mice “Can I eat this?” “Only one way to find out,” said the first mouse, who was busy grat- do space ing a chunk of yellow moon onto a bowl of fresh ravioli. He dug in with a fork and a look of unadulterated bliss spread over his face. “Yum.” hree blind mice were sunbathing in the empty confines of an aban- “How’s it taste?” T doned spaceship when one of them suddenly sat up and sniffed. The first mouse chewed thoughtfully. “It’s not like any cheese I’ve “Hey guys,” he announced. “I’m hungry.” had before. And I’ve had a lot of cheese. Yet…it’s indubitably cheesy.” The other mice sat up and rubbed their tummies. “So are we. Let’s The second mouse nibbled at his hunk. “You’re right. It’s like a cross get a snack.” between cheddar and gouda…with a slight hint of Roquefort.” “Okay, where?” “You guys are nuts,” said the third mouse. “It just tastes like cheese “Hmm.” They thought for several minutes, alternately rubbing their to me.” He knelt down and began munching on the ground directly. tummies and the fur on their ears. “Ew. Get a spoon will ya?” “Ooh I know,” said the first mouse. “We’re in a spaceship, right? Why “Hey guys listen!” shouted the third mouse. “I hear something! It don’t we go to the moon?” sounds like…like a cheese river!” The second mouse scoffed. “What is there to eat on the moon?” And the three blind mice ran off in the direction of a whirling eddy “Dude,” said the first mouse. “You don’t know?” He turned to the of molten cheese flows, certain they had made the greatest discovery third mouse. “You’d better tell him.” in the history of mousekind. “Dude,” said the third mouse to the second mouse. “The moon’s made of cheese. You didn’t know that?” ••• The second mouse’s mouth dropped open. “Cheese? Like, all of it?” “Yeah, man. Why do you think it has all those holes?” The second mouse tilted his head towards the sky. Suddenly he jum­ ped to his feet. “What are we waiting for? Let’s go! I want some moon cheese.” The mice ran off to the spaceship, whose engine soon shook to life with a roar. “Up, up, and away!” shouted the first mouse. “Where no mouse has gone before!” added the second mouse. “That’s not technically true,” said the third mouse. “Mice have been going to space since 1951.” “Oh be quiet,” said the second mouse. “I was being hyperbolic.” “You were ripping off Star Trek, that’s what,” muttered the third mouse. “Will you two stop? I want to enjoy this.” The mice stopped arguing and lay back on the leather seats, enjoy- ing the heady rush of space travel and the smells and sounds of the jet engine. Before they knew it, the spaceship had come to a rutting stop on the surface of the moon amidst a burst of brown smoke. The mice donned their spacesuits and popped the ship hatch. “Whoa,” said the third mouse, jumping off the door entry onto the soft yellow surface. “It does feel cheesy.” The second mouse reached down to the moon’s surface to scrape off a sampling of moon cheese.

38 — cauliflower ‘gouda’ cheese appetizers & snacks — 39 (PALEO, AIP) herb & garlic crackers 15' + 15' = 30' · yield: 40 crackers

Not gonna lie, these crackers, especially when combined with cauliflower cheese, make me one happy camper. Lard makes for a lovely light texture and crunch (enhanced by the tigernut), but feel free to sub out for other options. Easily dippable or spreadable with guac, almond butter, or jam. If you’re anything like me, they will disappear in one sitting, so feel free to double the recipe.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

¾ c cassava flour 1. Preheat oven to 350ºF.

¼ c tigernut flour 2. Mix first 5 ingredients together. 3. Cut in lard using a pastry cutter until you have small pea-sized chunks 1 tsp sea salt of mixture. 1 tb dried herbs (rosemary, thyme, 4. Add water in tablespoons until dough comes together and you can form oregano) it into a flat disc. Roll out between two (tapioca/arrowroot) floured piec- es of parchment paper, to about 1 mm thickness. 1 tsp garlic powder 5. Cut out cracker shapes as desired and re-roll as needed. Finish crackers ¼ c cold leaf lard (coconut oil for V) with a sprinkling of salt and herbs. ¼ - ½ c cold water 6. Bake on parchment-lined baking tray for 10 - 15 minutes, until crackers brown around the edges (keep an eye on them as they can burn quickly - cooking time varies by oven).

40 — herb & garlic crackers appetizers & snacks — 41 three blind mice “I claim this river.” “You can’t just write your name in the mud to claim something. In on the moon fact…” Marvin pulled out another flag and placed it over Melvin’s name. “My river!” “Why, you greedy, scurrilous rodent you…” Melvin launched himself elvin squatted over the cheesy moon river. at Marvin and they began wrestling with each other in moon mud. M “Mmm,” he opined, dipping his paw into the flowing yellow “Hey!” The third mouse, Arnold, ran down from the spaceship to rivulets of cheesy goodness. where the other two were fighting. “What is wrong with you guys?” “Hey,” said Marvin (aka mouse number 2). “Don’t stick your hand in He pulled them out of the river, covered head to toe in liquid cheese. there. We just got here, and the first thing you want to do is contaminate “Great. Now the river is going to taste like mouse.” our best source of running cheese?” “Marvin was trying to claim the whole moon for his own.” Melvin ignored him and continued to splash the viscous liquid into “So was Melvin!” his mouth. “Only because you started it!” “You’re incorrigible. Here, take these.” “You two.” Arnold shook his head and pulled out an official-looking Melvin sat up and nibbled on one of the square crackers Marvin had scroll. “Did you never pay attention in history class?” And using his fin- thrust into his hand. His face lit up. gers, he began to read: “Mm! Tasty.” He dipped a cracker into the estuary and used it as a ve- “‘The Treaty of 1469. All terrestrial and extraterrestrial environments hicle for carrying more river into his mouth. “Even better! Crackers and are heretofore declared the common heritage of mousekind, to be re- cheese on the moon, who woulda thought. Hey, where did you get these?” served for the sustainable, responsible use of all mice, equally, without “Um. I brought them from home.” discrimination, in keeping with the harmony and preservation of na- “They don’t seem like earth crackers,” said Melvin, sniffing the air ture.’ In other words, we may have discovered this place, but there will suspiciously. Catching Marvin backing surreptitiously towards a cave be no individual claiming of any kind.” to their left, Melvin sprang to his feet and began scurrying towards it. Marvin and Melvin looked down, abashed. “Oh.” “Hey!” shouted Marvin, racing to catch up with him. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t stuff ourselves sick on cheese and The two mice tumbled over each other as they approached the en- crackers in the meantime! Come on!” Perking up, the two previous- trance to the cavern, tripping and falling into a deep pit and landing ly warring mice followed Arnold and had a nice, civilized meal on the with a loud crunch at the bottom. banks of the river, relieved of their temporary desire to institute indi- Melvin felt behind him for what had broken their fall. He pulled out vidual property rights on the moon. a loose piece of rubble and took a nibble. “Mm. So this is where you got them.” ••• “It seems to be some kind of calcified moon sediment,” said Marvin. “It’s delicious. I can’t believe we found this place. It has everything we need.” “I found it,” said Marvin. “Okay, fine, you found it. It still has everything we need.” “It has everything I need.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” Marvin pointed toward a blue and yellow flag pointing up over the cave entrance. “That’s my flag. I claim this cave.” “You can’t claim the cave.” “Says who? I put my flag on it.” “Well in that case…” Melvin scrambled out of the cave and dashed towards the river. He scratched out the letters of his name using his feet on the river bank.

42 — herb & garlic crackers appetizers & snacks — 43 (PALEO, AIP, DF) cassava ‘mozzo’ cheese 15' + 4h = 4h15' · yield: 1 mozzo ball

Blended boiled cassava always struck me as cheesy texturally...add a little fat and flavoring (season to taste), and voilà, something that tastes, melts, and behaves closer to mozzarella than anything I’ve come up with to date (and any of those fake processed cheeses). Put some of this on an aip bagel (page 31) or flatbread (page 27) (or use it for caprese salad!), and it’s hard to feel deprived.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

1 c boiled/cooked cassava 1. Blend cooked cassava with an immersion blender or food processor until very smooth (will be quite sticky - do this while cassava is still warm). ½ c coconut cream 2. Add coconut cream + oil, sea salt, and acv/lemon and blend until well-­ 2 tb coconut oil incorporated.

1 - 1.5 tsp sea salt 3. Add gelatin and blend until mixture is smooth. Pour into a parchment or wrap-lined container and refrigerate for at least 3 - 4 hours, until cheese 1 - 1.5 tsp acv or lemon juice has hardened. The cheese will be easier to grate or cut the more chilled it is, but you can leave it for less time or bring it to room temperature if 1 tb grass-fed gelatin you prefer to eat it softened. 4. Eat plain, with bagels (page 31), crackers (page 41), caprese salad, or any number of tasty things.

44 — cassava ‘mozzo’ cheese appetizers & snacks — 45 three blind mice cheese. We are very happy to be in this great but unknown-to-us land, and would much appreciate a chance to taste some of your local cheese.” in the tropics The woman’s brow wrinkled. “Oh! How interesting. Unfortunately, we don’t make cheese here.” “Huh?” ong since returned from their sojourn to the moon, the three blind “We don’t eat cheese – never have. Even if we did we don’t have any L mice had munched their way through just about every single variety cows or goats, so it would be imported. I’m not even quite sure what of conventional cheese on the planet – from camembert to halloumi, cheese looks like, to be honest.” feta to cotija. But they just couldn’t forget the memory of delectable The mice’s mouths dropped to the floor and their hearts sank within moon cheese with its far-out extraterrestrial qualities. They had had a them. To come all this way, for no cheese? taste of the universe and wanted more. “But surely you must know of some nearby neighboring island with Unfortunately, their spaceship was out of space fuel, so they were a handy cheese supply,” persisted Marvin. “Maybe three or four islands, somewhat limited in their voyaging options. even.” “How about Mars?” suggested Melvin. “No, I’m sorry. If you tell me more about this ‘cheese’, I might be able “Dummy,” said Marvin. “That’s even further than the moon. We can’t to whip something up. We have lots of great, versatile ingredients here.” make it out of Earth’s atmosphere with no space fuel.” Not feeling very optimistic, the mice gave her a quick rundown, com- “How about a stay-cation?” suggested Arnold. “Or at least a stay-on- mitted to tasting whatever poor result she produced then going on their Earth-cation?” way. Perhaps she was a closet cheese-hater trying to lead them astray, The other mice nodded cautiously and devised a plan. They would and they would find some cheese at the next house over. take Marvin’s acorn husk boat and sail across the ocean to tropical isles But before they knew it the woman was handing them slices of some- never yet set foot upon by any of their mice brethren, where fame and thing that, by all established cheese tenets, smelled and chewed just like fortune and untold cheese varieties awaited. a soft white cheese. “There’s bound to be some good undiscovered fromage yet on this “This is extremely close to mozzarella!” exclaimed Marvin, hopping planet,” said Melvin. down on both feet in excitement. “How ever did you make that?” The three mice stocked the husk boat with the last of their moon The woman shrugged. “Cassava and coconut make good bedfellows… cheese and crackers and set off on their ocean journey. It was perilous, and cheese, apparently.” She laughed, and invited the mice to stay with compared to their short moon hop – the ocean was turbulent, and Mar- her in her pantry until her son came home from college. The mice ac- vin and Melvin were plagued with constant seasickness. Three times cepted her kind offer, and spent the next few months experimenting big waves capsized their small boat and threw them overboard, where with island flavors and other alternative cheese products. they bobbed up and down, tails tied to each other, until they managed to swim back to their vessel. ••• Suffice it to say, by the time they made landfall the mice were sick of the great blue ocean and couldn’t jump onto the hot sand quick enough. They were so busy hugging the ground beneath their feet that they didn’t take in their new surroundings for several minutes. The salty ocean air breezed through waving palm fronds, and they could smell the scents of papaya and mango wafting in from the mountains. The mice wandered through the coconut trees into a field of stocky, leafy plants, straight into the abode of a local island family. “Can I help you?” offered a woman, laying down the brown coconut she was grating. “Very kind of you to ask,” said Marvin. “In truth we are voyagers who have been on the ocean for days, seeking the next newest form of

46 — cassava ‘mozzo’ cheese appetizers & snacks — 47 (PALEO, AIP) cassava latkes 15' + 20' = 35' · yield: 20 latkes

I'm just gonna be blasphemous and say it...cassava is superior to potatoes for latkes. It has less water & more starch, leading to a crispier latke that browns faster. The extra starch means it binds itself so no additional flour or eggs are needed. And if you use pre-grated cassava this recipe is basically no work compared to potato latkes. So...win win win. The below makes a small- ish batch - for large gatherings feel free to double or even triple the recipe.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS Latkes 1. For applesauce: core and cut up apples into bite-sized pieces. Add chopped apples to a small pot with 1 c of water and cinnamon, salt, & 1 lb grated cassava (defrosted), lemon/acv. Bring to a boil and then simmer until apples cook down (feel or ~2 c fresh grated cassava free to add more water if needed).

1 medium-large onion, minced 2. For latkes: put grated cassava in a bowl. Add onion, garlic, olive oil, and salt, and mix well. ½ head of garlic (~6 cloves), minced 3. Heat up 3 tb of fat in a cast iron or non-stick pan over medium heat. 1 tb olive oil 4. Spoon about 1 tb of mixture into pan once oil is hot. Flatten and cook 2 tsp sea salt ~4 minutes a side (until edges brown). Add more cooking fat as needed. 5. Drain on paper towel-lined plate. Keep warm in oven at 250ºF while scallions/chives for garnish (optional) frying new batches. olive oil, pastured lard, chicken 6. For coconut sour cream: remove only the most solid part of the coconut schmaltz, or duck fat for frying cream from the can, and mix with other ingredients. Applesauce 7. Serve latkes with applesauce, chives, and coconut sour cream.

3 - 4 large apples

1 cinnamon stick or 1 tsp cinnamon powder

2 tsp fresh lemon juice or acv

⅛ tsp sea salt Coconut sour cream

1 can coconut cream, refrigerated

1.5 tb lemon juice

1 tsp apple cider vinegar

¼ tsp sea salt

48 — cassava latkes appetizers & snacks — 49 latke lyrics

Cassava latkes Wrapped in lace Set out for an occasion Festive holidays Sprinkled with green Festooned with cream Spinning and twirling A starch lover’s dream Fragrant applesauce bubbles on the stove Cinnamon and cardamom and essence of clove Apple and cassava, nature’s baklava, United through the tempering of coconut and guava Just kidding, no guava, just needed a rhyme Hard to rhyme cassava with anything sublime So please enjoy this delectable treat And give potatoes a break, they were tired on their feet Try cassava for a change, and I think that if you do You will very likely become a cassava convert true.

50 — cassava latkes appetizers & snacks — 51 (PALEO, AIP, VEGAN) onion rings 10' + 20' = 30' · yield: 25 - 30 onion rings

I have yet to see gluten-free onion rings on offer anywhere, so I was psyched when an experimental use-up-ingredients cooking sesh produced these bad boys…better than when I used to attempt wheat flour versions (turns out the secret is batter, not breading)! Highly recommend giving these a whirl the next time your night-out munchies are upon you.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

3 medium or 2 large onions 1. Peel onions, and slice them 1 cm-wide. Separate slices into individual rings. ½ c cassava flour 2. Mix flours, milk/water, salt, and olive oil together until a pancake-like ½ c tigernut flour batter forms. (Adjust liquid amount if needed.) Dip rings and coat well in mixture. ½ c tapioca flour or arrowroot starch 3. Heat up cooking oil in a deep, heavy-bottomed pot or deep fryer. When 1 c coconut milk or water oil is medium hot (~350ºF), place 5 - 8 rings in pot (depending how big your pot is, don’t overcrowd it). Fry rings for around 3 minutes, or until 1 tsp sea salt onions are nicely browned. Remove with slotted spoon and drain. 2 tb olive oil 4. Continue until all onions are fried. Serve with coconut aminos, paleo ketchup, AIP mayo, or toum.

2 - 3 c coconut or avocado oil for cooking

52 — onion rings appetizers & snacks — 53 igor sees space they do about the universe. They’re rather silly creatures really.” Igor’s dad pressed a large red button on the control panel and with a sucking swish, Saturn’s rings and the planet itself disappeared from view, re- gor stared out the window of the spaceship, his green nose squished placed by the cold, dark, icy gray surface of home. I against the glass. They had just passed Mars, its reddish hues cop- “There,” said his Dad, grinning. “Successful disapparition #999.” pery from a giant dust storm enveloping the planet – and were about Igor sighed and hopped to his feet. His dad popped the hatch of the to enter the asteroid belt. spaceship and together they slid down the rope ladder, landing on the “You know, Son,” said his dad, who was sitting at the controls, his launchpad. long, bendy fingers wrapped around the joists. “These asteroids are “Welcome to Pluto, home of the Plutons,” read a lopsided banner actually made of the same material as this spaceship.” hanging off the side of the radio terminal. “Really?” “Home sweet home,” said Igor, looking wistfully one last time at the “Yep. Part of what makes them so resilient to atmospheric condi- night sky, the orange-tinged dot that was Jupiter, and Saturn’s distant tions. You know what else is made of our spaceship material?” gleam. His dad put his long arm around him and together they walked “No, what?” home. “Saturn’s rings. You’ll see as we approach.” They passed Jupiter, Igor’s favorite. He could never believe that it ••• wasn’t actually solid until they passed the Great Red Spot, its swirling gas storms sweeping his gaze into their fiery vortex of pyrotechnics. “Jupiter, of course—” said his dad, pontificating from the pilot’s chair “—is not made out of the same material as us, Saturn’s rings, or the asteroids. Quite the opposite in fact.” His dad polished his monocle before returning it to his broad green nose. “We’d go right through it, huh Dad.” “In a manner of speaking. Our spaceship is not built to withstand Jupiter’s turbulent gases.” “Wow.” Igor turned his nose back to the window. He loved their space voyages away from the home planet, the picnics on Titan and jaunts around the Solar System. Next time he’d bring his little brother, Freddie, and show him the Great Red Spot. “Coming up on Saturn’s rings shortly,” said his dad. Igor gazed at thousands of teal, orange, and blue rings, banded from a distance, slow- ly crumbling into their individual particles as Saturn’s gaseous sphere grew to fill the entire viewfinder. “You know, humans think Saturn’s ring particles are composed pri- marily of water and ice.” Igor guffawed and choked on the gum he was chewing. “Really?” His dad laughed. “Yeah. Funny, right?” He maneuvered the space- ship onto one of the landing sites where several of their green brethren were directing them with bright orange guiding flares. “If that were true, though,” said his Dad. “Would we be able to trans- port ourselves and our ships through the rings?” “Nope.” “That’s right, Son. You see, humans don’t know as much as they think

54 — onion rings appetizers & snacks — 55 (PALEO, AIP) meat pies 45' + 30' = 1h 15' · yield: 12 mini pies

Nothing like fulfilling a five-year craving for meat pie...and yes, I did eat all of these myself. If you’re not a fan of lamb, you can easily sub any other meat; if you’re not a fan of meat, you can easily sub veggies, and if you’re not a fan of veggies, this crust also works excellently well for fruit pie.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS Filling 1. Preheat oven to 375ºF.

1 lb lamb shoulder or leg, chopped in 2. For crust: mix flours and salt, and then cut in cold lard with a pastry cutter or fork. bite-sized pieces 3. Add water a tablespoon at a time until the mixture adheres and can be 1 lb lamb kidneys, chopped in bite- shaped into a ball. Flatten into a disc, cover in wrap and refrigerate while sized pieces (optional) you prepare the filling.

1 onion, minced 4. For filling: sauté garlic and onion in olive oil for a couple minutes - then add meat and brown for a few minutes until mostly cooked through. 4 cloves garlic, minced 5. Add herbs, salt, and acv and turn off heat. 1 tb olive oil, duck fat, or lard 6. Roll out dough between two pieces of (tapioca) floured parchment pa- 2 tb each of chopped rosemary, sage, per, to about 2mm thickness. Cut out larger circles for the pie bottoms & parsley and smaller circles for the tops. 7. Press the bottoms into a muffin tin - they should overflow around the 1 tsp sea salt top, as the crust tends to shrink when baking. 1 tb fresh lemon juice or acv 8. Fill each pie with 1 - 2 tb of filling. Place lid on top and crimp/seal edges. Pie crust Apply optional coconut milk (aip) or egg (p) wash on the top, along with leaf decorations from any extra dough. 1.75 c cassava flour 9. Bake at 375ºF for 20 - 30 minutes, or until brown on top. ½ c tigernut flour

½ - 1 tsp sea salt

¾ c cold leaf lard

½ - ¾ c ice-cold water

56 — meat pies appetizers & snacks — 57 how to tame a dragon “Right?!” said Azkook. “Plus it’s good for forest regrowth. Most peo- ple don’t know that.” (with pie) “Even better!” exclaimed Magorn. “It honestly seems like a vastly underappreciated talent to me.” “You’re very kind,” said Razkook. “It’s a shame that we have to eat n the days before Razkook and Azkook were tamed by the scrump- you.” I tious shortbread of a feisty Scottish granny, they had quite a few Magorn shrugged. “I’d love to hang out with you both a bit longer run-ins with wannabe princes attempting to prove their honor and save before you do, and hear some stories of the old dragons.” various princesses from dragon hostagedom. If the princes had actually The dragons’ beady eyes lit up. “You like our legends?” done their homework, they would have discovered that, in fact, there “Love ‘em,” said Magorn. “So much better than human ones. Juicy were no princess hostages as the dragons were quite prompt in eating and magic-filled.” all and any captured human prey—princess or otherwise—while still “We’d love to tell them to you. We so rarely get an audience. But if we fresh. Prompt consumption was necessary to deter would-be rescuers keep you alive, that still doesn’t solve what to do about lunch.” and ensure optimal nutrient delivery. (According to my conversations Magorn snapped his fingers. “I know. I have some lamb pies in my with Razkook and Azkook, human meat tends to degrade if not eaten bag. Why don’t you give them a try? They’re quite good and filling.” Ac- immediately, although that didn’t prevent them from laying up a solid tually Magorn had come prepared with 550 lamb pies in his bag, which store of frozen limbs and people jerky for the long Scottish winters – he’d estimated, with the help of the castle cooking company, would be better stale than nonexistent, as the saying went). enough to satisfy two hungry dragons. But I’m getting off track here. This story relates to one particular Azkook beamed. “I love lamb. And pie.” prince – a Prince Magorn, who was curious to see the dragons not so “There you go,” said the Prince. “Have at them.” much because he wanted to rescue an imaginary princess and thereby The dragons snapped up the lamb pies, and the Prince settled down, prove his courageousness, but because he was actually a fan of all things ready to hear some good dragon yarns right from the source. And so he dark and gothic and from a young age had been obsessed with dragon did, for a solid couple hours, until the dragons’ satiety began to wear lore. So, one day, bedecked in swords and jewels from the castle, he set off. At that point the Prince decided it would be best to sneak off while out on his Shetland pony for the northern cliff of the mountain where the dragons were slumbering, seeing as how he didn’t really care to be Razkook and Azkook lived. eaten. He was back in a couple weeks with another 550 pies, and soon Upon arrival at the lair, he was met with a warm welcome – literally, became a regular visitor to the dragons’ lair – their only human contact the dragons breathed fire in his face. But instead of rearing up on his who lived to tell the tale, directly to your humble narrator, as it turns out. steed and brandishing his sword as the other princes had been wont to do, Magorn merely patted his Shetland pony on the head, sent it back ••• down the mountain, and said, with a great degree of admiration, “Gee, I always wondered if you guys actually breathed fire. It’s so cool that you actually do!” The dragons blushed. Azkook snorted out some soot and turned an even deeper crimson. “Do you really think it’s cool?” asked Razkook. “Most humans we run into act like it’s this crazy, horrible thing.” “Of course it’s cool!” exclaimed the Prince. “I used to be impressed by fire eaters at carnivals…but that’s nothing compared to actually breathing fire! Plus, I have to tell you, as much as I abhor violence and love creation and all that, my destructive side really thrills to see vast amounts of the countryside lit up when you guys are out doing your business.”

58 — meat pies appetizers & snacks — 59 (PALEO, AIP) sausage rolls 15' + 25' = 40' · yield: 8 rolls

All sausage must needs be wrapped up in a rich flaky crust cocoon, yes indeedy, a different sort of pig-in-a-blanket (in this case, bison-in-a-blanket) for those cold winter nights.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

1.5 lbs sausage (any kind, I used bison) 1. Preheat oven to 375ºF. Pie crust 2. For crust: mix flours and salt, and then cut in cold lard with a pastry cutter or fork. 1.75 c cassava flour 3. Add water a tablespoon at a time until the mixture adheres and can be ½ c tigernut flour shaped into a ball. 4. Roll out dough between two pieces of (tapioca) floured parchment paper, ½ - 1 tsp sea salt to about 1.5 mm thickness. ¾ c cold leaf lard 5. Cut into rectangles and fill lower �⁄� of each roll with sausage. Fold over ½ - ¾ c ice-cold water and seal with a fork. 6. Brush with egg/milk wash, cut slits in top, adorn with any decorative 1 egg (P) or ¼ c coconut milk (aip) designs, and bake in oven for 20 - 25 minutes, or until rolls have browned and sausage sizzles.

60 — sausage rolls appetizers & snacks — 61 little ollie arrives Oliver, who looked at them hesitantly but couldn’t stop his stomach from growling. He took a bite and this time was magicked to the east ife at the workhouse was not much fun for a small boy. Oliver spent side of Manhattan, where he found his aunt in the kitchen baking a L twelve hours a day picking oakum with his fingers along with forty batch of sausage pasties. other boys. They received two small bowls of watery gruel a day, and “Well hello Ollie!” she greeted him. “You’re just in time. Hot out of that, along with one onion and one roll on weekends, was supposed to the oven.” She handed him a pasty and this time, after biting into it, he keep them going during their weeks of hard labor. Needless to say, they stayed in one place. Manhattan was a dog eat world, but Oliver preferred were hungry all the time and frail from malnutrition. it to Victorian London and Scottish dragon lairs and ultimately decided After a few weeks of this routine, Oliver grew tired of watching the to stick around and see what else his aunt would cook for him. overseer hunch over his meat and potatoes while the boys slurped down their swill. He decided to say something at the very next meal, even ••• though the other boys warned him not to. That day they received their regular portion of gruel, except that this time it had more bugs and mealworms than usual – sadly not more disgusting than it was welcome for the added protein. When Oliver finished, he took the empty bowl up to the overseer’s table. The overseer looked down at him, startled. “Yes?” “Please sir,” said Oliver hesitantly. “I want some more.” “You do?” said the overseer. “In that case, come with me.” He led Oliver to the back kitchen, where trays and shelves were over- flowing with pork pies, kidney puddings, and sausage rolls. “Help yourself, my dear,” said the overseer, with a cackle. Oliver was suspicious, but he couldn’t stop himself. He reached for a golden-brown sausage roll, and with the first bite was instantly transported to a drag- on lair far away from Victorian London, in the highlands of northern Scotland. “Oh hello,” said a young man wearing a ringlet, lying back against a pile of dragon treasure. He had a golden scroll in his hands and ap- peared to be taking notes with a golden quill. “You must be from the workhouse. The dragons were telling me about an enchantment that sends them young boys to eat every now and again from a different era of British history.” Oliver shivered. “I don’t want to be eaten,” he said. “Neither do I,” said Prince Magorn, because that’s who he was, of course. “That’s why I bring the dragons lamb pies every time I visit. Did you bring any lamb pies?” Oliver checked his empty pockets and shook his head forlornly. “No worries mate,” said the Prince. “I’ve got enough for both of us. Sausage rolls too. Here.” He tossed a couple extra pies and rolls towards

62 — sausage rolls appetizers & snacks — 63 (PALEO, AIP) homemade paleo graham crackers 20' + 15' = 35' · yield: 20 crackers

These are a fun and easy snack to whip up. Great for camping trips and alternative s’mores!

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

½ c cassava flour 1. Preheat oven to 350ºF.

½ c tigernut flour 2. Mix first 9 ingredients together (everything except fat and water). 3. Cut in lard using a pastry cutter until you have small pea-sized chunks 1 tsp sea salt of mixture. 1 tb ground cinnamon 4. Add water in tablespoons until dough comes together and you can form it into a flat disc. 1 tsp baking soda 5. Roll out dough between two (tapioca/arrowroot) floured pieces of parch- ½ tsp cream of tartar (optional) ment paper to about 1.5 mm thickness, then cut out cracker shapes using 2 tb honey or maple syrup (optional) a knife or cookie cutter as desired. 6. Re-roll as needed until mixture is used up. 1 tsp vanilla extract 7. Use a chopstick and fork tines to make the graham cracker design. 1 tb apple cider vinegar 8. Bake on parchment-lined baking tray for 10 - 15 minutes, until crackers ¼ c leaf lard, ghee (aip re-intro), have hardened (keep a close eye on them - cooking time varies by oven). or coconut oil (V)

¼ c cold water

tapioca flour or arrowroot starch for dusting

64 — homemade paleo graham crackers appetizers & snacks — 65 a witch’s tale “They let us do what we want,” said the boy. “I’ll see about that,” said the lady. She went inside and being some- what old school and fed up with children who didn’t respect boundar- hy, hello there. You may know me as the witch, or my personal ies, returned with her crème brûlée blowtorch flaming and chased the W favorite, the ‘old hag’ in the classic children’s fairytale Hansel children off her property. and Gretel, but I’m here to tell you a different story. To make a long story short, the brats ran back to their parents and Once upon a time there was a baker writer lady who grew up in the made up a story about being kidnapped by a witch who tried to cook big city where she had a shop full of indulgent treats, cakes, and can- them. Not long after, the baker writer lady received a visit from the for- dies. People came from miles around to sample her confectionery, but est patrol who told her that houses made of confectionery were against after many years she got tired of the hustle and decided to move to a zoning laws. Far from being defeated, the lady chopped up her house secluded spot in the woods, where a fresh supply of pristine spring water and hit the open road, selling pieces of it at various markets and bake allowed her to produce some of the purest, most elevated treats of her sales to fund her cross-country expedition. career. She had many a happy day, listening to 80s rock and whipping So there you have it folks. Yet another mistelling of two property-des- up fabulously stunning (if I do say so) concoctions in her cabin cottage. ecrating minors run amuck, who may or may not have learned their As there was no one to buy her wares, she began to adorn her house lesson but at least never got another piece of my-err-the lady’s awesome with the heartier varieties, the hard candies and sturdy cinnamon cook- confectionery house. ies that would last a lifetime, taking a whimsical delight in indulging her fantasy of living in a fairytale castle made of lollies and bonbons. ••• There was no one to judge her out in the woods, so her dream rapidly became reality and soon the most fantastical cottage of graham cracker shingles and rainbow-colored gumdrops lit her little patch of woods like a psychedelic dollhouse. She was in her kitchen one day, covered with flour from the newest batch of cinnamon grahams she’d been rolling to patch a leak in the roof, when she noticed an ever-widening hole in the corner of her living room. “What the…” she exclaimed, grabbing a broom and going outside to chase away what she assumed were some ill-bred field mice. Instead she found herself face to face with two sticky children, grin- ning impudently up at her with the melted chocolate of the house’s tempered trim on their faces. “Excuse me,” she said, somewhat huffily if truth be told. “What do you think you’re doing?” The little girl stood up and twirled around in a porcelain print dress that cost more than the lady’s yearly bakery earnings. “This house is made of candy, so we’re eating it.” “This is my house,” said the lady. “Please don’t do that.” The little boy burst out laughing. “You live in a house made of can- dy!” he exclaimed gleefully, reaching out to grab one of the spun sugar windowpanes. It shattered into candy shards,which the girl threw in the air and the boy used to decapitate a gummy garden gnome. “Hey! You two better clear out. Where are your parents?”

66 — homemade paleo graham crackers appetizers & snacks — 67 entrees & pasta (PALEO, AIP) lengua tacos 1h + 3h = 4h · yield: 20 tacos

Lengua is one of my favorite cuts of meat. Tender, fatty, flavorful, it basically cooks itself. Still, if you’re not a fan, feel free to sub out with another cut.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS aip tortillas 1. Rinse lengua, then cover it with water in a pot, adding bay leaves, cin- namon stick, 2.5 tsp salt, half a head of garlic, and 1 onion, and simmer 1.5 c cassava flour for 3 hours until tender.

1 tsp sea salt 2. Remove lengua from pot and discard outer skin. Chop meat into bite- sized pieces. 6 tb pastured lard or coconut oil 3. While lengua is cooking, mix dough ingredients together until dough ½ c or more warm water ball forms. Lengua filling 4. Roll out dough ball between two floured pieces of parchment paper to about 1 mm thickness; cut out tortilla-sized shapes. (Alternatively, you 1 lb pork or beef tongue can break off about 1 tb of dough at a time and press in a tortilla press or roll out individually.) 3 bay leaves 5. Toast tortillas for a couple minutes on hot non-stick pan or grill (don’t 1 cinnamon stick overcook unless you want hard tortilla shells). 1 head of garlic 6. Whisk crema ingredients together.

2 onions 7. Chop radishes, onions, and cilantro for garnish.

3 tsp sea salt 8. Heat up a sauté pan and cook 1 minced onion and 6 cloves of minced garlic in 1 tb lard. Add lengua, ½ tsp salt and cook until browned (just a 1 tb pastured lard or other fat few minutes). Hit with a squeeze of lime.

Squeeze of lime 9. Assemble your tacos! Have a taco bar! Have a taco party! Eat tacos for- ever, cuz they’re awesome. Crema

2 tb coconut cream

2 tb extra virgin olive oil

1 tsp lime juice

¼ tsp sea salt

Fresh radishes, onions, & cilantro to garnish

70 — lengua tacos entrees & pasta — 71 l.a. adventures part i later they rattled off the highway, past Randy’s Donuts onto a quiet residential street where they found the food truck flanked by a line of customers. amie stared at the wave in front of him, a clean groundswell rising “Mobbed!” said Manuel. “I’ll see if I can hop in.” He made his way to J up from the yawning coastline. Steadying himself, he began to pad- the back of the truck, where a burly man in a black apron clasped his dle, catching the wave right as it broke and propelled him into the tube. arm. “Sobrino! You made it.” The froth rushed in around him, tickling his scalp as he swept through “Hola tío. This is Jamie.” a twisting tunnel, landing in foamy whitewash by the wooden pilings “Hey Jamie. Help yourselves, I gotta serve these guys.” As his uncle of Huntington pier. stuck his head back out the passenger-side window to take the next “Nice ride,” commented a boy around his age, as he made his way order, Manuel grabbed a stack of tortillas and began filling them with back to the line-up. meat and onions. “Thanks,” replied Jamie, turning his attention back to the waves. But “Yo. You eat lengua, right?” the water had chilled to glass around them. The older surfers slapped “Best lengua in la,” shouted Manuel’s uncle. He pulled his head back the flat surface in frustration. in the truck. “Or at least in Inglewood.” “Guess it’s time to call it quits,” said the other boy, glancing at the A minute later, Jamie and Manuel were sitting on the curb, inhaling sun setting over Catalina Island. cilantro and the tender, succulent meat. The tortillas were warm and “You come here a lot? Don’t think I’ve seen you too often. I’m Jamie.” rich with lard, made fresh by hand that day. “Manuel,” said the other boy. “And I come when the waves are up, but “Dude,” said Jamie. “This is amazing.” usually stick to Redondo, or El Porto in the winter – sometimes Malibu, “I told you. Food is legit. Next time I’ll take you for fish tacos – and though I don’t like to go there.” not the $16 kind either.” “Only been once,” said Jamie. “My dad took me. No one looked very They polished off their food, and drove back to Westminster with happy to see us.” the lights of the big city behind them. “They say anything?” “No. Don’t think they wanted to make a dad look bad in front of his ••• kid. We didn’t stay for long.” “I’ll take El Porto any day,” said Manuel. The two boys paddled into shore and scraped the sandy wax from their boards. When they were done, they carried them past a group of high school girls in cherry top bikinis and a pair of ceramic boards propping open the doors of a surfwear shop. “Where do you live?” “Westminster,” said Jamie. “You?” “South Gate.” Manuel studied the menu of a tex-mex restaurant as they walked past. “$16 for fish tacos. They gotta be kidding. People should know better, this is socal.” Jamie’s stomach grumbled. After three grueling hours on the water, the smell of fried fish was making him salivate. “You know any other places?” he asked. “My uncle runs a taco trunk, over in Inglewood. It’s far, but worth it if you want real tacos. None of this Monterey Jack business.” “Sounds good to me.” They piled their boards into Manuel’s pickup and headed west, their progress slowed by the usual five-lane rush hour pile-up. Manuel blasted some reggaeton and they lapsed into silence, letting the warm la winds dry the sea salt on their skin. Some while

72 — lengua tacos entrees & pasta — 73 (PALEO, AIP) fish tacos 30' + 25' = 55' · yield: 12 tacos

I love tacos. Fish tacos especially. I could basically live inside this taco and be happy for the rest of my life. Feel free to substitute on the flour mix (I used about �⁄� c of each; if you’re missing any, you can go 50:50 on the other two), and to sub or mix frying oils.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS aip tortillas (page 71) 1. Make mango salsa: chop mangos in bite-sized pieces, add in chopped cilantro, lime juice, scallions, onion, jalapeño and salt, and mix until Fish & garnishes well-incorporated. Let sit for an hour or so for flavors to meld.

2 c any white fish 2. Chop fish in bite-sized pieces.

1 c mix of tapioca, cassava, 3. Heat up oil in pot on medium heat. and tigernut flour 4. Combine tapioca, cassava, tigernut, and salt to make breading mixture. Toss fish in mixture and coat well. 1 tsp sea salt 5. When oil is hot (a drop of flicked water sizzles), put in first batch of fish 1 c of coconut, lard, avocado, or olive oil (don’t overcrowd the pot). Fry for about 3 - 5 minutes until browned, then drain on a paper towel. Repeat. limes 6. Make your tacos! I.e. put fish on tortillas, put mango salsa on fish, put radish radish/cabbage/limes/cilantro on salsa. green cabbage

cilantro Mango salsa

2 mangos

handful of cilantro, minced

juice of 1 lime

2 stalks of scallions, chopped

½ purple onion, chopped

½ jalapeño, minced (optional/non-aip)

pinch of sea salt

74 — fish tacos entrees & pasta — 75 l.a. adventures part ii “Good, right?” said one of Manuel’s pretty cousins. “I’m only eating your family’s tacos from now on.” “Nothing wrong with that. I mean, you may turn into a giant taco, couple weeks went by before Jamie ran into Manuel at Hunting- but nothing wrong with that either.” She laughed and winked at him. A ton again. It was mid-July, and the surf was crowded with tourists Later that night, Jamie dreamt of spinning Manuel’s cousin around and high school students on summer break. on the boardwalk as trailer-sized prehistoric fish leapt through hercu- “I’ve been up at Redondo,” said the brown-haired boy. “Bit less crazy lean waves and a pink sun set over the Pacific. there.” He paddled around Jamie for a better position and lit out for an incoming wave, flying down the face of a four-footer and yelling at ••• a younger boy to get out of his way as he cut a switchback across the wave’s crumbling surface. As Manuel paddled back to the line-up, he splashed water in the direction of the kid who’d cut into his wave. “These jokers should know to get out of the way. Priority, man.” The kid shrank back and avoided Manuel’s stare. “They’re just kooks, trying to be California surfers,” said Jamie. “Ever wish we were back in the ‘60s, when surfing was for bums and hippies and there were only like 5 people at all the best beaches? Those must have been the days.” “You gotta go to Indonesia or South Africa nowadays for that.” “Bet it’s crowded there too. Bet you have to go to Alaska and wear an inch-thick wetsuit just to get a wave to yourself.” “Might be worth it,” said Jamie, eyeing the maze of surfers and vid- eographers in front of them. “Enough of this circus. Let’s get out of here.” They loaded up their stuff and headed back to the city, veering in- land through Compton and South Gate until they were pulling into a street of close-set residential houses with red-green and yellow-blue flags flying from the porches. Manuel’s house was an older duplex with an upstairs balcony and a large backyard where red lanterns cast a soft light over avocado and pomelo trees. His parents and cousins milled around, the younger ones twirling on the patio to the top 40s Latin ra- dio station buzzing cheerfully in the background. On the grill, great mounds of carne asada and fish lay sizzling, filling the air with hits of lime marinade. Manuel’s dad handed them plates of grilled fish and steered them towards a table filled with tortillas, homemade salsa, and guacamole. Jamie assembled his tacos and began to eat, his surf-sunken stomach rumbling with pleasure at the sharp, fresh flavors. “Oh my god,” he said to no one in particular.

76 — fish tacos entrees & pasta — 77 (PALEO, AIP) carnitas 5' + 1.5 - 4h = 1.5 - 4h · serves: 5 - 6

Nothing better than three pounds of pork shoulder/butt braised into fall apart goodness, set on a fresh tortilla with classic Mexican garnishes. This is one of my go-to party meals, good for a crowd or at least one hungry family. Instant pot method is easy, but if you like to monitor as you go (as I do), feel free to use the stovetop approach.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

3 lbs pork shoulder or butt 1. Instant pot method: Place all ingredients into instant pot. If pork doesn’t fit, cut it into a couple pieces. Cook on high pressure for 1 hour and 20 1 orange, quartered minutes, or until meat is falling apart and easy to shred with a fork.

1 onion 2. Stovetop method: Place all ingredients in a large pot. Bring to a boil and reduce heat, cooking for 3 - 4 hours until meat is falling apart and easy 1 cinnamon stick to shred with a fork.

5 cloves garlic 3. Crisp up shredded meat in a cast iron pan with a tablespoon of lard or co- conut oil before serving. 4 tb coconut oil or lard

3 tsp sea salt

3 - 4 c of water or stock

Serve with tortillas (page 71), radish, cilantro, guacamole, pico de gallo, and chopped onions

78 — carnitas entrees & pasta — 79 l.a. adventures part iii “If you can make carnitas, I suppose I gotta make Vietnamese food,” said Manuel. “Better go check out some banh mi and summer roll rec- ipes, huh.” He elbowed Jamie in the side, and they all sat down to eat, amie stared nervously at the stockpot filled with hot lard and the the crackling sounds of Jamie’s grandma’s folk songs echoing from the J enormous pork shoulder. It was his first time making Mexican turntable in the back room. food, and he had invited Manuel, Luisa, and Beatriz over to sample it. Way to put the pressure on, he thought as he turned down the heat ••• and added an orange and some bay leaves to the mix. He scanned the ingredient list on his phone one more time to make sure he hadn’t for- gotten anything. It rang while he was holding it and he nearly dropped it into the pot. “Hello?” he said, managing to retrieve the phone and hold it awk- wardly to his head with one hand. “Hola, guey, it’s Manuel. What time should we come?” Jamie glanced warily at his boiling pork. “Three hours? Let’s say four, to be safe. So 7.” “Let’s say 6 because by the time my cousins are ready it’ll be 7 for sure. What should we bring?” Jamie glanced over at the table, where he’d laid out the pico he’d made the night before, guacamole, and a tomatillo salsa. “Nothing. I think I have it covered.” “What about tortillas? You got those?” A lady’s voice crackled in the background. “My grandma just made a fresh batch, she says to bring them.” “I only have store bought ones, so yeah, that would be great actually.” “Cool. See you in a few.” A few hours later, Jamie hefted the pork out of the hot, fragrant liq- uid and onto a tray. The meat was already falling off the bone, and he barely had to brush it with his fingers for the rest to drop off. He was crisping the meat with some lard in a pan when the doorbell rang. Jamie ran to the door and opened it to find Manuel holding a six-pack, next to Luisa and Beatriz in floral dresses. The girls held out a basket of warm tortillas and a tres leches cake decorated with cherries. “Thanks!” said Jamie. “That looks incredible.” “Smells good in here,” said Manuel. “Come look,” said Jamie, leading his guests to the kitchen and the massive pile of carnitas. “Hey man, this looks almost as good as my uncle’s. Right, Luisa?” Luisa picked up a piece and nibbled on it. “Yum. I’m impressed.” Jamie blushed.

80 — carnitas entrees & pasta — 81 (PALEO, AIP) burgers & sliders 15' + 35' = 50' · yield: 10 - 12 mini-burgers, or 3 large ones

Burgers are a go-to meal for me, and luckily paleo allows for many de- licious, grass-fed varieties. I actually prefer mine lettuce, cabbage, or collard-wrapped, but if you feel like a more classic version this is a great, umami-laden combo with a bun that whips up in half an hour. Enjoy!

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS For the buns: 1. Preheat oven to 350ºF.

2 lbs frozen grated cassava 2. Defrost grated cassava and mix with salt and olive oil. Spoon onto parch- ment-lined pan in circular bun shapes (or use silicone muffin molds for 1.5 tsp sea salt exact-sized slider buns).

¼ c olive oil 3. Bake for 25 - 35 minutes, until buns have browned on the bottom. For the burgers: 4. While buns are cooking, prepare toppings (grill onions, slice avocado, etc.). 1 lb grass-fed ground beef 5. Heat up 1 tb coconut oil in cast-iron or heavy-bottomed sauté pan. Sea- 2 tsp sea salt son meat with salt and olive oil, mixing gently with a fork, and form into patties. 1 tb olive oil 6. Cook meat over medium-high heat for 3 - 5 minutes a side (depending on 1 tb coconut oil (for cooking) the size of the patties and how cooked you like your burgers). For the toppings: 7. Serve on buns, garnish away, and eat before Goldilocks has a chance to.

mustard (non-aip)

sauerkraut

avocado

ketchup (non-aip)

grilled onions

pickles

82 — burgers & sliders entrees & pasta — 83 goldilocks speaks what, this little guy here seems more my speed – so cute and tiny, no one will notice if I just polish it off.” And that’s just what happened, Gold- ilocks smacking her lips and licking her fingers all the while. “Mmm. n real life Goldilocks was never a fan of porridge. In fact, she thought Delicious. Just right.” I it was disgusting. “Who would eat such a gloopy, tasteless mess?” At that moment, Momma Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear trundled she was known to exclaim. So when she found out that a story had been into the room, back from their forage in the berry bushes. written about her involving the theft of porridge from poor, hapless “Hey!” shouted Momma Bear. “Who are you?” creatures, she couldn’t believe it. First, she wrinkled her nose, and then “Why hello there! My name is Goldilocks, how’d ya do?” Taken aback, she burst out laughing. the bears retreated to the corner of the kitchen, until Baby Bear, notic- “Nuh uh,” she said. “Let me tell you the real story. It goes like this.” ing the food on the table, cried out: Once upon a time there was an adorable—like, really really cute—girl “Where’d my burger go?” named Goldilocks. It’s true that she did have lovely flaxen hair, that part “Oh, I’m sorry,” said Goldilocks. “Was that your burger? It was de- is totally true. She was also possessed of a most adventurous and win- licious, but no worries, I’ll whip you up another one in a jiff. They’re so some spirit. Goldilocks, as she was known, fearlessly explored forests small, they’re easy to make.” and villages in her free time, and was a common sight on the roads of Mollified, the bears sat down around the table and, in no time, be- her township, traipsing along some unbeaten path. came fast friends with the sociable young Goldilocks, who came to be a One day, Goldilocks went into a deep, scary section of forest that regular visitor at the bears’ home on her many journeys into the forest. was completely dark and unexplored by any in her village, including the So you see, there’s really nothing in this story having to do with brea­ big strong men who so often bragged about their exploits down at the king chairs and silly beds, and least of all, yucky revolting porridge. local pub. She got rather hungry after walking for a couple hours, and Take it from Goldilocks, who says to always go to the original source was glad when she came upon a cozy hut with smoke wafting out the and never trust retellings (especially for notoriously shifty fairy tales). chimney, carrying with it the delicious scent of food. Peering through the windows, she saw no one, and entered through the open front door. ••• “Hello?” she called out. “Anybody home?” Hearing nothing, she re- moved her muddy shoes and began to explore. In the kitchen, she came upon a disaster in the making – three cast iron pans filled with meat and vegetables sizzling on the stove, and no cooks to be found. “That can’t be safe!” said Goldilocks, leaping to the range. She wasn’t exactly sure what she was supposed to be cooking, but she flipped the meat when it seemed done, and cooked the onions to a nice brown char. When everything was ready, she laid it all out on small, medium, and large buns on different-sized plates, and stood looking at the food in front of her. “Hmm. This looks good. And I am hungry. And nobody’s here, and I did help cook everything. I don’t suppose anybody would mind if I just took a bite of this big patty here.” And so she did, lifting up the large burger and taking a sizable nibble. She scrunched up her nose. “A little underdone. You know what, I’ll just try this medium burger to see if it’s any better.” She lifted up the medium burger and took an even bigger bite. “Not bad. But you know

84 — burgers & sliders entrees & pasta — 85 (PALEO, AIP, VEGAN) sweet potato gnocchi 30' + 10' = 40' · serves: 1 - 2

Great way to use up excess tubers, plus these are fun to play with/throw at people (kidding, save your non-paleo gnocchi for that). This is a single serv- ing for a hungry person so feel free to double or triple. Happy gnocchi-making!

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

2/3 c boiled, peeled sweet potato 1. Bring pot of salted water to boil.

½ c cassava flour 2. Mash cooked sweet potato with a fork until smooth, then add flour, salt, and oil, and mix well until workable dough forms. ½ tsp sea salt 3. Tear off small pieces of the dough and roll into gnocchi shapes individ- 1.5 tb olive oil ually (or roll into a tube and cut out). Indent with fork if desired. 4. Boil gnocchi in boiling salted water in a large pot. Gnocchi are done when they float to the top, which should take a couple minutes. Drain Salted water for boiling and oil in colander. for cooking 5. Brown gnocchi in oil in non-stick sauté pan to desired color (~5 - 10 min- utes). Olive oil, rosemary, cauliflower or ‘mozzo’ cheese (page 37 & 45), sea salt 6. Plate and finish with olive oil, sea salt, herbs (rosemary), or grated for finishing cheese.

86 — sweet potato gnocchi entrees & pasta — 87 gnocchi beats part i

Sweet potato gnocchi Delicate and floaty Flavorful and cozy Chewy mini mochi Fresh and light and low-key Tender sweet and rosy Won’t make you have to go pee So sit and eat some gnocchi!

88 — sweet potato gnocchi entrees & pasta — 89 (PALEO, AIP, VEGAN) cassava gnocchi 30' + 10' = 40' · serves: 1 - 2

These pillowy chewy delight bundles, otherwise known as gnocchi, are tasty, fun, and relatively quick to make - feel free to jazz them up with additional protein (hello bacon) or veggies, or keep it simple with your basic olive oil, sea salt, herbs, and ‘alt-cheese’ of choice.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

¾ c cooked/boiled whole cassava 1. Bring pot of salted water to boil. (~1 large tuber) 2. Blend cooked cassava with a food processor or immersion blender, then add flour, salt, and oil, and mix well until workable dough forms. ½ c cassava flour 3. Roll out into tube and cut into gnocchi shapes (indent with fork if de- ¾ tsp sea salt sired). 1.5 tb olive oil 4. Boil gnocchi in salted, boiling water in large pot. Gnocchi are done when they float to the top (usually in a couple minutes). Drain in colander. 5. Brown gnocchi in oil in non-stick sauté pan to desired color (~5 - 10 min- Salted water for boiling and oil for utes). cooking 6. Plate and finish with olive oil, sea salt, herbs (rosemary), and grated More olive oil, sea salt, rosemary or alt-cheese. parsley, and alt-cheese to finish

90 — cassava gnocchi entrees & pasta — 91 gnocchi beats part ii

Gnocchi are low-key The slightest bit oak-y Not really smoky But fun to go poke-y Rustic and folk-y The slightest bit hokey They go with enoki Won’t make you get croaky Best have some before you go sing karaoke So say okie dokie And eat lots of gnocchi!

92 — cassava gnocchi entrees & pasta — 93 (PALEO, AIP, VEGAN) ‘cheesy’ noodles 5' + 10' = 15' · serves: 2 - 3

Sometimes I just want a bowl of cheesy noodles, approximating the bright orange mac & cheese that my 1980s stomach could handle but which would basically = death today. For those of you with similarly fragile digestion, have this for a treat when you’re craving comfort foods, and feel free to kick up the nutritional factor by adding some veggies or protein (I personally like it with tiny dried anchovies and seaweed - weird I know, but the texture works).

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

½ package (~8 oz) sweet potato 1. Boil noodles in pot of salted water until tender (~10 minutes). noodles 2. While noodles are boiling, mix all the other ingredients in a bowl. 3 - 4 tb nutritional yeast 3. Drain noodles and mix with other ingredients until everything is melted and well-incorporated. Adjust seasoning as needed. 1 tsp sea salt 4. Garnish with chives or just nosh away! Nosh nosh nosh. 2 tb coconut oil or avocado oil

2 tb coconut cream

2 tb extra virgin olive oil

1 tsp ground turmeric

2 tsp fresh lime juice or apple cider vinegar

1 tb chives or chopped scallions for garnish (optional)

94 — 'cheesy' noodles entrees & pasta — 95 a gooey ooey oodly poodly poem

Gooey oozy cheesy noodles Sitting in a pile Whispering their thoughts and doodles Waiting to be styled

Ogling these gooey noodles Was a small young boy Setting down his apple strudel He decided that these noodles Merited a try

Dug a fork into these noodles Pulling out a great caboodle Of noodles thick with cream and strudel Did I mention it fell in, the strudel? The boy bit through the gooey oodles Of delicious cheesy noodles

He set back his cap and wandered Up the hill with his pet poodle Where he took a seat and pondered The existential ooey nature Of the noodles mixed with strudel

In the end he decided gooey Cheesy noodles were the best He took a bowl home with him To save for lunch and eat the rest Its orange gooey, blissfully chewy Deliciously unruly, savoriness A treasure and success.

96 — 'cheesy' noodles entrees & pasta — 97 dessert

98 — section name (PALEO, AIP, VEGAN) cassava cake 10' + 50' = 1h · serves: 4 - 5

I first tried this cake in Fiji - variants of it are found throughout the Pacific and Southeast Asia. Below is a paleo-friendly version, probably pretty close to how this was traditionally made before the advent of dairy and refined sugar in the region. Feel free to modify the sweetener amount to your liking, and enjoy!

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

2 lbs grated cassava 1. Preheat oven to 400ºF.

½ - ²⁄3 c of honey or maple syrup (V) 2. Mix all ingredients together and pour into greased 9x9 pan. 3. Bake for 40 - 50 minutes or until brown on top and chopstick comes out 1.5 tsp sea salt clean. 1.5 tsp vanilla

1.5 tsp cinnamon (optional)

1 c coconut cream

100 — cassava cake dessert — 101 fiji sevens The other boys did their best to squelch him. It got harder and harder to make it past their defense, but he never gave up. At the end of the session, Coach called him over. “You’ve been working,” he observed. emi crossed and uncrossed his legs under the small desk. It was last Semi just nodded. S period, which meant math class with Mr. Taliga. Semi liked math, “Okay,” said Coach. “Back again, same time tomorrow.” but today he couldn’t focus on anything, much less geometry – today Semi’s face was bright as he gathered his things and made his way was rugby try-outs. home. That afternoon he would sit with his grandmother and brother. In their backyard next to Gran’s outdoor kitchen, he and his older They would drink tea and eat cassava cake, and he would tell them of brother had trained for months among the loose cuttings. “Come on his success. Semi,” Osea had urged. “Run faster. Move your knees. You’re gonna have to be quick if you want to make the squad.” ••• But Osea underestimated him. Semi would run as fast as a darting bat if it meant he’d have a chance to play for Natabua this term. Last term he hadn’t made it. He had come from his private school, prepared to be the best athlete by default, only to find the village boys not only faster, but more disciplined than him on the pitch. He’d eaten their dust and been out the first day. Since then he had returned to the village, living with his grand- mother and brother while their parents worked in the city. He had eaten dalo and kokoda every day instead of MSG-filled city fare. He could feel himself running on clean energy. The bell rang, finally. Semi rushed out of the room and sprinted to the lockers, where the other boys were pulling on their boots and hefting rugby balls in their hands. “Looking to lose again?” said an older boy, grinning at him through a gap in his teeth. Semi said nothing. They knew him from last year’s tryouts, and that was okay. The element of surprise was useful in Sevens. The players trailed out onto the pitch in different colored jerseys, Semi in the maroon stripes of his old prep school. He could hear the others laughing behind his back – but then the ball was on the field and he was off, flying up the field, knocking players away from him like a typhoon as he sprinted towards his first try of the day. The ball was down and so were the smiles of the others, who quickly calculated whether the try was a fluke or a misjudgment on their part. They seemed to decide the latter, going straight for him on the next play, but again he was too fast – he passed backward to a member of his side, and then they were both up the pitch, running their own play until the ball hit the dusty field once more.

102 — cassava cake dessert — 103 (PALEO, AIP) blueberry pie 20' + 1h' = 1h20' · yield: 1 pie

Welcome to my favorite pie in the world and the best part of summer. This pie is runny warm but will hold together once it cools (I prefer my blueberry pie slightly runny - feel free to adjust the starch and sweetener content to your liking).

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS Pie crust 1. Preheat oven to 375ºF.

¾ c cassava flour 2. For crust: mix flours and salt, and then cut in cold lard with a pastry cutter. 1⁄3 c tigernut flour 3. Add water a tablespoon at a time until the mixture adheres and can be ½ tsp sea salt shaped into a ball. Flatten into a disc, cover in wrap, and refrigerate while you prepare the filling. ½ c cold leaf lard (coconut oil for V) 4. For filling: clean blueberries and mix with other filling ingredients. 4 - 8 tb ice-cold water 5. Roll out pie dough between two pieces of floured parchment paper. Re- 1 tsp cinnamon (optional) move the top piece of parchment and turn the dough into a 9-inch pie plate. Flute the edges if desired. Filling 6. Pour blueberry filling into crust and bake for 45 minutes to an hour, until 6 c fresh blueberries (~2 lbs) crust is brown, and blueberries have bubbled. (If crust is browning too quickly, cover pie with foil until blueberries bubble). 3 - 4 tb tapioca flour or arrowroot starch 7. Serve with dairy-free ice cream, coconut whipped cream, or eat right 3 - 4 tb maple syrup or coconut sugar out of the dish.

1 tsp cinnamon

Zest 1 lemon

juice of ½ lemon

¾ tsp sea salt

1 tb ghee/grass-fed butter (non-aip) or coconut oil (V)

104 — blueberry pie dessert — 105 that maine life

lizabeth stared at the patch of familiar-looking, knee-high bushes. E The tiny green leaves had captured her attention the same way noxious poison ivy plants did – but this was a pleasant feeling of ex- pectation, not the dangerous start those shiny green fronds induced. There it was – a tiny tickle of blue, peeking out behind a minty leaf. She clapped her hands and bent down, her nimble baby fingers caressing the blue bulbs from their sockets into a glass jar. She picked the patch dry, leaving the unripened green nubs, and moved on her hindquarters to another patch. “Elizabeth!” A clear voice rang out from beyond the hill. Elizabeth ran out of the woods over grassy dunes to a small cottage, where her grandmother was waiting outside the screen door, a dripping spoon in her hands. “Where have you been, dear?” asked her grandmother. “I’ve been waiting for you to make the pie crust.” She put a hand on Elizabeth’s shoulder and guided her to the wooden kitchen counter, covered with lemons, fresh maple syrup from their neighbor’s farm, and three car- tons of market berries. Shyly, Elizabeth presented her jar to her grand- mother. “What’s this? Did you pick these yourself?” Elizabeth nodded. “Then we must use them in the pie. They shall be front and center, the star of the show.” Elizabeth shone with pride as her grandmother poured the wild ber- ries on top of the others in the pie shell and placed the brimming dish in the oven. The older lady sat down at the dining table with a cup of tea and watched the sun set over the promontory, while Elizabeth kept her nose pressed against the oven window, waiting for the blueberries to bubble. “It will be awhile, dear.” Elizabeth crossed her legs and took a seat on the kitchen floor. Out- side the waves broke in gentle, soothing refrains, and the scent of melt- ing berries and crisp dough filled the air.

•••

106 — blueberry pie dessert — 107 (PALEO, AIP) fig rolls 35' + 20' = 55' · yield: 20 cookies

Yes, my friends, these are a delicious evocative tribute to our processed-food pasts - with far less of the associated guilt and indigestion (although, I sup- pose fig rolls were never the worst of the culprits). A top recommendation for using up excess figs.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS Dough 1. Preheat oven to 350ºF.

1.5 c cassava flour 2. Mix dough ingredients in order listed until dough ball forms. Dough should be pliable but not sticky. (If dough is too wet add more flour; if ½ c tigernut flour too dry add more water.)

1.5 tsp grass-fed gelatin 3. Wrap dough in plastic wrap/parchment and chill in fridge while you make the filling. ¾ tsp baking soda 4. Bring water to boil in pot. Stem and chop the figs into quarters and add ½ tsp sea salt them to the boiling water, along with other filling ingredients.

¾ c coconut oil 5. Cook for 10 - 15 minutes, until figs have softened (stir or add more water to avoid anything sticking to the bottom, but don’t add too much liquid). ½ tsp ground cinnamon (optional) 6. Food process or blend the fig mixture for a few minutes until smooth. 2 tb honey or maple syrup Let cool (in fridge if needed). 7. Remove dough from fridge. Roll out on floured parchment paper into ½ c coconut milk or water (chilled) a long rectangle (~4 inches wide and ~12 inches long when trimmed). 2 tsp apple cider vinegar 8. Spoon out fig filling down the long middle of the rectangle, stopping Fig Filling about 1 cm before each end. 9. Use the parchment paper to gently fold half of the dough (the long side) 2 c dried figs (~16 figs; over the filling. Use the other side of the parchment paper to do the I used kalamata) same with the other half. Smooth down slightly over the seam to evenly distribute fig filling. ¾ c water 10. Bake for 20 minutes or until golden brown (check periodically to make zest & juice of 1 clementine or sure). Trim the ends and cut into individual cookies with a knife or bench mandarin orange (optional) scraper. 1 tb lemon juice or apple cider vinegar

¼ tsp sea salt

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp vanilla (optional)

108 — fig rolls dessert — 109 three little figgies hands.” And with that he stuck a crumpet, a scone, and a fig roll out on the windowsill. The wolf scarfed all three down in quick succession. “Mm. Those were tasty.” nce upon a time, three little pigs lived in a house made of straw, “How tasty?” asked the third pig. “Would you say they were all equally O sticks, and reinforced concrete. They were very happy in their stur- tasty?” dy little home and regularly had the pot going over the fire, boiling up “Hmm…not exactly,” said the wolf, hesitantly. tasty stews for their midday meals. “Was one, perhaps the last, a smidge tastier?” One day in the middle of one such meal they heard a knock on their “Well…yes, now that you mention it. I liked the last one the best.” door. “Ha! I win!” shouted the third pig, doing a little jig around the house. “Ello, who ees it?” cried the first pig, doing his Monty Python im- The expressions of the other two pigs soured. “No fair. You asked pression. leading questions.” They argued for a few minutes but eventually con- “It is I, the big bad wolf,” answered a big bad wolf, who was preen- ceded. ing on the pig’s doorsteps and admiring his reflection in the porthole “Young miss,” said the third pig to the wolf. “Would you mind com- window atop the entryway. ing back tomorrow? We’ll be doing some more baking and could use The pigs conferred briefly. They decided that seeing as how the wolf your good judgment.” The wolf agreed, happy at the prospect of more self-described as big and bad, they would rather not let him in – also treats. He returned home to his den and from that day on was a fair because he seemed like a particularly irksome dandy. judge at the pigs’ baking competitions, never again remembering that “No thank you!” shouted the second pig. “We’re all set, full up on big his initial purpose had been pork, not pies. bad wolves in this household!” Flummoxed, the wolf peered in through the window. But he hadn’t ••• been invited in so he could do nothing but step off the pigs’ property and return to his hideout in the woods. The next few days, it was cold and snowy. After completing a mara- thon of most excellent bakeoff episodes, the pigs decided to have a bak- ing competition of their own. The first pig made crumpets; the second, scones; the third, fig rolls. They stood around admiring each other’s creations. “But who should we get to judge the bakeoff?” asked the second pig. “None of us are objective.” Suddenly a knock came once more at the door. “Ello, who ees it?” repeated the first pig. “Um. A friendly neighbor, come to borrow some sugar!” But of course it wasn’t. It was the wolf again. He’d been sitting hungry in his den for three days, and had finally ventured out into the blizzard. Hunger made him desperate and sharpened his cunning. He had come equipped with a red bonnet, which he now put on his head. The third pig looked out the window. “It’s the big bad wolf again. He’s wearing a red bonnet and holding out a sugar jar.” The other pigs sighed. “That dumdum. Okay, what should we do?” “Well,” said the third pig. “Maybe he can help us out.” “How do you figure?” The third pig opened the window a crack. “Hello, young miss. We don’t have any sugar, but perhaps you could take these treats off our

110 — fig rolls dessert — 111 (PALEO, AIP) scottish shortbread 5' + 25 - 30' = 35' · yield: 8 cookies

Scottish shortbread is my favorite cookie hands down, thanks to my Dad’s delicious and simple family recipe. Given my adult intolerance to the three traditional mainstays of shortbread (wheat flour, butter, sugar), I felt it well worth my while to experiment and come up with the closest alternative to Dad’s signature bake.

INGREDIENTS INSTRUCTIONS

²/3 c tigernut flour 1. Preheat oven to 350ºF.

¹/3 c tapioca flour or arrowroot starch 2. Mix all the ingredients together with a fork/pastry blender until they reach a large crumble consistency; add the gelatin last (do not bloom it). ½ c ghee (AIP re-intro) or coconut 3. Press mixture into a loaf pan or an 8x8 round pan. oil (V) 4. Bake for 25 - 30 minutes until slightly browned. Remove from oven. ¼ c maple syrup 5. While shortbread is cooling, poke decorative holes in it with a chopstick ¼ tsp sea salt and cut into pieces.

1 tb grass-fed gelatin

1 tsp cinnamon (optional)

112 — scottish shortbread dessert — 113 the real santa were just about fed up with the arrangement. Rudolph, the ringleader, decided to have it out with Santa. He confronted his boss over a plate of shortbread in a young girl’s house in Connecticut, and demanded fair payment in the form of a 50 - 50 split of the baked proceeds. any of us think of Santa as that kind, jolly old soul who appears “Your audacity astounds me,” said Santa. M every Christmas Eve on our doorsteps and chimneys and gives “You’re a cheapskate,” said Rudolph. “We’re not moving one more generously from his plentiful supply of North Pole creations. Well, it hoof until you agree to our demands. Even if that means we have to live turns out nothing could be further from the truth. I have recently come in Connecticut.” upon some troubling documentary evidence that reveals Santa as the Santa knew when he was beat – and, as Mrs. Claus (Santa had man- greatest cookie thief of our time. Let me start at the beginning. aged to find a spouse who was equally addicted to baked goods) was About 1700 years ago, a man named Nicholas pretended to help chil- always telling him, he did probably need to cut down on his cookie in- dren and the poor, but really he was only nice to kids because he enjoyed take. So he agreed to a 70 - 30 split with Rudolph, who took a 40 - 60 split the treats their parents made them. He’d regularly visit these children’s between himself and the other reindeer. From then on a fragile truce houses pretending to give alms, but when their backs were turned he’d was achieved in Santaland. take all of the cookies he could find and disappear out the back door. Now, I don’t mean to burst anyone’s bubble by relating all this. By all Eventually, the parents caught on and started barricading their doors. means, put out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve and happily await However, at that point Nicholas was addicted to sugar and would do your presents. I just want people to know the truth, and to be aware anything to service his craving, including sliding down chimneys to when they’re being duped. If you’re as outraged about this as I am, get the goods. please share this story, along with the hashtag #therealSanta. The cookies fed Nicholas and kept him alive and energetic far be- yond normal human years. As long as he kept stealing cookies, he could ••• survive. Unfortunately for Nicholas, the people of Europe, being par- tial to cookies themselves, turned against him. He was exiled from the continent and driven north by angry mobs of cookie-deprived parents. For months he was forced to survive off scraps of seal and venison, until he developed an ingenious method of super-speedy transporta- tion involving reindeer and a sleigh. Nicholas, by then operating under the alias “Tzen Tuh” (a traditional reindeer moniker), began revisiting those houses in Europe that had barricaded their doors against him. Having learned his lesson the first time, he found that families were much less angered if he left some trinkets in place of the cookies he stole. Equipped with this knowledge, he went back to the North Pole where he constructed his own toy factory and enlisted local laborers to service it. His operations were a success, and before long Tzen Tuh, or Santa, as he came to be known, developed a rotund pot belly as a result of all the cookies he was consuming. Working around the clock, San- ta’s PR agents perpetuated the successful myth of “Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick,” which allowed for the expansion of Santa’s operation to the Americas, as well as parts of Asia, Africa, and the Middle East. Millions of children started to write letters affirming their goodness and demanding toys from Santa’s operation. Eventually, the toy factory began taking losses, but Santa didn’t care – he was still getting his cookies. The reindeer, however, were not so content. They had been working for a long time for very little pay, and

114 — scottish shortbread dessert — 115 index about the author appetizers & snacks 35 figs 109 apple cider vinegar 8, 11, 15, 23, 31, fiji 102 37, 49, 65, 95, 109 fish 72, 73, 75, 76, 77 Julie Hunter is a creative writer, blogger, and human rights lawyer, applesauce 49, 51 gelatin 8, 15, 19, 31, 37, 45, 109, 113 currently based in Washington, D.C., and previously in Bangkok, arrowroot starch 19, 37, 53, 65, 105, ghee 15, 19, 23, 37, 65, 105, 113 Vancouver, and Fiji. Her interests include music, ice hockey, travel, 113 gnocchi 7, 87, 89, 91, 93 and all things fiction. bagels 31, 32, 33, 45 Goldilocks 83, 84, 85 beef 37, 71, 83 grated cassava 27, 49, 83, 101 Follow her @flashfictionkitchen. biscuits 15, 17 herb & garlic crackers 41 bison 61 honey 8, 19, 65, 101, 109 blueberries 11, 13, 105, 106 lard 15, 19, 41, 49, 57, 61, 65, 71, 73, 75, blueberry pancakes 11 79, 80, 105 blueberry pie 105 latkes 49, 51 bread 27, 28, 29 lengua 71, 73 breakfast & baked goods 9 mango salsa 75 burgers 83 maple syrup 8, 11, 19, 65, 101, 105, carnitas 79, 80, 81 106, 109, 113 cassava 8, 11, 15, 19, 23, 27, 31, 41, 45, meat pie 57 49, 51, 53, 57, 61, 65, 71, 75, 83, 87, 91, mozzo 45, 87 101, 103, 105, 109 noodles 95, 97 cassava bread 26, 27, 28, 29 nutritional yeast 27, 37, 95 cassava cake 100, 101, 102, 103 onion rings 53 cassava gnocchi 90, 91, 92, 93 onions 53, 71, 73, 79, 83, 84 cauliflower 37, 41, 87, 91 peach sauce 23 cauliflower cheese 37, 41, 87, 91 pie crust 106 cheese 32, 33, 37, 38, 39, 41, 42, 43, 45, pork 62, 71, 79, 80, 111 46, 47, 87, 91, 95 salsa 75, 76, 80 coconut aminos 53 sausage 61, 62, 63 coconut cream 19, 37, 45, 49, 71, 95, scones 19, 21, 53, 79, 110 101 shortbread 58, 113, 115 coconut milk 8, 11, 15, 19, 23, 37, 53, s’mores 65 57, 61, 109 sweet potato 87, 95 coconut sour cream 49 tacos 71, 72, 73, 75, 76, 77 coconut sugar 8, 105 three blind mice 38, 39, 42, 46 crackers 28, 32, 41, 42, 43, 45, 46, 65 three little pigs 110 crêpes 23 tigernut flour 8, 11, 15, 19, 23, 31, 41, dessert 99 53, 57, 61, 65, 75, 105, 109, 113 entrees & pasta 69 tortillas 71, 73, 75, 76, 79, 80 fig rolls 109, 110

116 — index