Volume II TheISSUE Belltower 3 October 2009 Tales from the crypt Krinda Carlson Staff Writer On Halloween 2007, junior students Annie Laweryson, Kaleb Wilson, Blaine Evans and Heather Kennedy experienced an encounter in the cemetery on campus worthy of the October 31st spooks. The following is an account of how the events unfolded, as shared by the witnesses. Sit down, in the late- night if preferred, and indulge the imagination in this scary Halloween story. And, don’t forget, it is all true… The hour was striking midnight on Halloween, and a slight fog wisped in patches from the ground. The wavering light of a quarter moon glowed through passing clouds. It was crisp and cold outside, and silence hung over the Saint Saint Martinʼs cemetery Photo by Nina Benitez Martin’s University campus. In the dorms, the last scene from Night of 1,000 Corpses played on the of numbers still didn’t take away the goose-bumps. don’t need to be afraid.” With this in mind, just for screen before Laweryson, Kennedy, and the two Many hesitant minutes later, the quartet reached the precautionary purposes, pray a lot and think twice young men. With the taste of fear in their veins from truck, which was still parked outside the cemetery. before going into graveyards on Halloween – for, the movie, the girls decided they wanted to go up to Despite this, Laweryson said she figured the truck it’s not only the dead that always brings fright. the Abbey cemetery. was just one of the boys’: “I still thought they were After all, Evans claims he still occasionally sees the “We wanted to go just to be scared,” kidding about the whole thing.” truck from that spooky night…right here on explained Laweryson. After unsuccessfully trying to They went through the gate… campus. convince the boys to go with them, Laweryson and Shuffled up the path between the Kennedy decided to exercise their bravery and go it gravestones… alone. Nothing yet Meanwhile, Wilson and Evans dashed to Three-fourths of the way into the cemetery, 11 Films of execute the plot they had been hatching the whole they stood before the alter. time via text message. They threw on all black “Here,” said Evans, “I remember we stopped clothes and painted their faces red, then sprinted to scan. Then I saw it and was just thinking, ‘Don’t HORROR through the woods all the way to the back entrance let the girls see, don’t let the girls see’.” It was too Tristan Beach of the cemetery. Here, they took up their stakeout late. “All I saw was a blanket off to the side of the Staff Writer positions – Evans on the lookout outside the low alter,” Laweryson shivered. And, from under this wall of the cemetery, and Wilson lying on the grass blanket, a figure slowly arose. There sat a dark You can’t celebrate the holiday without against the wall inside. shape, in the middle of the graves, completely still watching a scary movie—and let’s face it, there are a “We waited around an hour for the girls,” and facing the four students. They could feel eyes ton of despicably horrible films out there that are not Evans laughed. Lawyerson interjected, “Yeah, we from the darkness, just staring. worth watching in the first place. So sit down, tried to walk up about four times, but we kept on SCREAM! Laweryson and Kennedy wasted acquire a pencil, and pour over this list of films, getting scared.” no time announcing their fright and pounding their which features digits, appendages and limbs (some Disappointed that their ploy way out of the cemetery, the boys intact, others detached). didn’t work, and tired of waiting in close behind. No looking back, no Braindead (1992): Okay, the title sounds the dark, the boys prepared to head “We wanted to go slowing down on the uneven ground; hokey. But it was meant to be! This is the bloodiest film in history and it was crafted by none other than back to the dorms. Then, just to be scared” the shadows of the night were like a “Headlights pulled up towards the million phantoms on the chase. the gore master himself, Peter Jackson. Were you cemetery and stopped.” Wilson Finally, back at the safety of the expecting Eli Roth? Sadly, he’s not on the list. went on to describe, “These two dorms, the group’s feelings were put Before “Lord of the Rings,” Jackson was a cult people get out and start walking arm-in-arm really into words by Wilson, “I didn’t know what [the sensation among diehard splatter aficionados. slow, like they’re going to a wedding.” figures in the cemetery] were capable of. If they “Braindead,” also known as “Dead/Alive” in the One figure whore a white shirt, but were doing that up in the cemetery at midnight, I U.S., is a shining example of Jackson given full otherwise the low light of the moon only exposed didn’t want to mess with them.” creative control in a film. This zombie movie outlines of the approaching individuals. When the It’s been two years since this experience, parodies 1950’s moral stuffiness and features a new slow procession reached the cemetery gate, “they and all four refuse to go up to the graveyard again; concept to the genre: instead of keeping zombies out, turned 90 degrees, like robots,” Wilson said. Then the chance of a repeat endeavor was met by a the main protagonists try to keep them in (the they disappeared amongst the graves. The boys resounding, “Nope!” basement). Quarantining your possessive flesh- knew it was time to make an escape – but how Upon hearing the above story, Father G, a eating mother while trying to maintain normalness is without revealing their presence? member of the Saint Martin’s monastic community, what this film is all about. Watch out for: Kung-Fu Finally, ten minutes later, Evans said, “We mentioned that “many years back there were black- Catholic Priest, a Lawnmower, Miracle-Grow, an would see this white thing…bobbing…in the middle mask activities in the cemetery.” By black-masked, exotic Rat Monkey, zombie baby. of the cemetery.” he expounded that he meant there was evidence of Drag Me to Hell (2009): This one is for “It took us awhile,” Wilson continued, “but “satanic rituals” happening. However, in the 1980s, people who don’t like gory flicks. After a horrible eventually we found out they were dancing – holding “Father Urban planted Saint Benedict medals around “Spiderman 3,” Sam Raimi returned to form this each other and waltzing in the cemetery!” the cemetery and it worked…the people haven’t summer by borrowing elements of his “Evil Dead” Not wasting any more time, Wilson launched been back,” Father G. asserted. Which leads to trilogy and blowing them out of proportion. Raimi, himself over the wall and Evans described, “We wondering: this incident could have been a simple like Jackson, is known for creating horror films that army crawled out of there, reached the top of the matter of two people wanting to waltz over graves draw their thrills and laughs by being completely road, and did a dead sprint away!” and then lay amongst them on Halloween night, but over-the-top in terms of violence, scares and Breathing hard with adrenaline pumping, then, one must ask, “Can that even be called a campiness. “Drag Me to Hell” has all of that, minus Wilson and Evans met Laweryson and Kennedy simple matter?” the blood and the gore. It weaseled its way onto back by the Baran Hall dormitory. Luckily for the Regardless, Saint Martin’s University’s DVD and Blu-Ray with a PG-13 rating. For those girls, the two fleeing, red-faced shadows had texted Chaplain Father Benedict feels that during who want to see a decent revenge/morality film that ahead of time to warn about their costumed- Halloween, “We spend a lot of time on evil, but it’s will keep you on the edge of your seat but won’t approach. After unloading the entire account, the better when we focus on the good.” Death, graves, require a barf bag, then this is the film to go with. girls were determined to see for themselves. So, and the spirit world doesn’t have to be frightening, Watch out for: a weird talking goat, false teeth, they headed back up towards the cemetery once Benedict reminds, “I do believe in evil spirits. But, gypsy curses, deadly pots and pans. again, this time a foursome – however, the security in my own feeling, if we live a good life and pray we SEE FILMS, B1 B1 HALLOWEEN SPECIAL October FILMS CONTINUED FROM FRONT The Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn (1987): Twilight sucks the fun out of The other Raimi film on the list and second in his “Evil Dead” trilogy. The film throws in nearly everything you can think of—attack trees, a severed vampire-mania hand and even a laughing moose head. Because it’s so over-the-top and utterly ridiculous, there is no way in heck anyone should ever take it seriously. However, I’m serious in putting the film on this list —it simply begs to be watched. If you decide to see Gary Fiorina something dreadfully sad on Halloween like “Pan’s Staff Writer vampires, one longing for companionship and the Labyrinth,” then you should drown your sorrows other struggling with having to kill humans to live. with a bit of hilarious demon-slaying. Watch out for: Vampires have been a huge resurgence in With an epic narrative, it outshines “Twilight’s” drab The Book of the Dead, Chainsaw-arm, “Groovy,” a America’s pop culture not seen since way back in style, making it far superior. Brad Pitt gives a stellar skeletal ballerina. 90s. At the movies or on television, vampires are performance, as does a pre-hot-mess Tom Cruise Halloween (1978): Considered one of the becoming inescapable. With series such as and Kirsten Dunst. scariest movies ever made, John Carpenter’s “Twilight,” our nation is being divided and forced to The vampire craze has also infiltrated the masterpiece introduced the world to Jamie Lee side with Team Edward, Team Jacob, and Team I- small screen with HBO’s smash hit, “True Blood.” I Curtis and Michael Myers (not the comedian). The Don’t-Give-A-%&#@. I have been avoiding gave “True Blood” a chance this past summer and film relies on its creepiness to evoke chills rather “Twilight” like Swine Flu, but with almost a year was intrigued. Set in deep Louisiana, “True Blood” than blood and guts. Aside from “Trick ‘r Treat,” no since the first film came out and the approaching chronicles the supernatural lives of its inhabitants. other film embodies the spirit of Halloween as release date of the second film, I broke down and The world of “True Blood” plays host to a wide much. That being said, it’s tradition. If ever there is decided to give it a chance. variety of weirdoes from the usual vampires and a film you should watch on Halloween, this is it. If I could suffer from Swine Flue for two werewolves, to shape shifters and clairvoyants. It is Watch out for: a guy in a William Shatner mask, hours instead of wasting two hours watching like “Beverly Hill Billie’s” and “Dukes of Hazard” trick ‘r treaters, heavy “Twilight,” I would. Kristen Stewart plays Bella with meets “The Munsters.” As in “Twilight,” we find a b r e a t h i n g , J o h n about as much enthusiasm as MTV’s Daria, minus the human, Sookie, played by the adorably gap toothed Carpenter’s creepy score. glasses and a sense of humor. Having seen Ms. Anna Paquin, romantically involved with the Let the Right One In Stewart gracing tabloid headlines for the past year, I vampire Bill (Stephen Moyer). These two, like (2008): have severely prejudged her. After seeing her work, I Kirsten Stewart and Robert Pattinson, have been all Sometimes zombie and can rest easy knowing OK! Magazine and I’s over the tabloids with their off screen romance. slasher flicks can be a opinions are well deserved. However, I approve of their relationship more than dime a dozen, but with Robert Pattinson, who plays Edward Cullen, Stewart and Pattinson based on the mere fact that “Let the Right One In,” Bella’s tragic love interest, has inspired a cult like they smile. Although “True Blood” has the potential you don’t have to worry following of teeny boppers, teens and cougars alike. to be fierce, it is hard to take their apocalyptic about “same-old, same- His brooding looks and unkempt appearance are reality seriously with their southern drawl. old.” It’s a vampire film, making the girls swoon. An anonymous Saint With “True Blood” as the new vampire but done in such a way Martin’s fan has stated, “Edward melts in your craze on the small screen, one might have forgotten that redefines the genre. mouth, not on your hands!” To each your own, girl! about its 90s predecessor “Buffy: The Vampire Essentially, it’s a dramatic Essentially a tale of star-crossed lovers set in Slayer.” Another cult classic in the genre of the film depicting loneliness, isolation, adolescent angst Forks, Washington, “Twilight” is one of those stories undead, “Buffy” follows a high school cheerleader and fangs. What would you do if you’re next door that could be told in fifteen minutes, but is instead turned epic vampire slayer with as much high school neighbor was an androgynous, perpetually 12-year- drug out for hours. People in favor of the film will drama as “90210” and “Laguna Beach,” but with an old vampire? Befriend him/her. That’s what this plead with me, “It’s is a great love story!” I am all edge. Buffy, played by Sarah Michelle Gellar movie is about, two friends who try to protect one about a love story: “What’s Love Got To Do With represents my view on “Twilight” and things of that another against horrors of an indifferent Swedish It,” “Legally Blonde” and “Texas Chainsaw nature. She kills them on a regular basis making the landscape. It’s a sad film with a surprisingly gory Massacre.” All these express the joys and trials of world a better place. And even though she gets climax and a feel-good ending. What out for: cats, love. However, “Twilight” comes up short by taking romantically involved with a vampire named Angel hydrochloric acid, that arm in the pool, shameless itself way too seriously. for a hot minute, I’m willing to forgive her. It took a comparisons to “Twilight.” As mentioned earlier, vampires saw such lot of hairspray to keep her hair in place, which she A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984): The popularity as today back in the 90s. When I think of had to have inhaled, leaving her a little out of it. film that jump-started New Line Cinema and made 90s vampires in the movies, I think of the Anne Rice Vampires and friends of the 90s, come back! us afraid to go to sleep. The film is well worth novel turned cult classic film “Interview with a Tom Cruise’s Lesat could knock the fangs out of watching not just because it is scary and incredibly Vampire.” Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and a young Robert Pattinson’s Edward Cullen more ferociously original, but also because it’s funny—most of the Kirsten Dunst blow “Twilight” out of the water. than one could jump on Oprah’s couch with. And humor coming from Freddy Krueger, the child Opulent, stylish and sleek, “Interview with a for the hicks of “True Blood,” consider yourself murderer who was burned to death and came back Vampire” is everything a vampire movie should be. lucky. If Buffy were there, you would all be from Hell to seek revenge on the living through their Set in modern day San Francisco and colonial New exterminated quicker than she could wrinkle her dreams. Its sequels are also worth watching, Orleans, “Interview” follows the story of two pleather skirt. SEE FILMS, B2 Neglected Creepy Classics for Hallow’s Eve Amanda Hatmanz The Invisible Man by: H.G. Wells unspecified year, is narrated by an dangerous and courage in the face of Staff Writer That’s right, just because the perpetrator, an unrepentant uncertainty. Kevin Bacon’s loose adaptation Montresor practicing his family Remember Me by: Christopher Widely acknowledged as the “Hollow Man” presents an arguably motto “No one attacks me with Pike father of short storys, it seems nearly more attractive version of Well’s impunity.” “Remember Me” gives all impossible to escape the influence of Griffin, it is no excuse to miss this The Fear Street Saga Trilogy by: new meaning to waking up dead. Edgar Alan Poe, particularly at such a wonderful tale of suspense and R.L. Stine Shari Cooper awakes one morning time of the year where the macabre science-fiction. No trick, treat An imaginative and highly- unable to understand why her family and mysterious are not only yourself to the classic as it was addictive tale of two long-feuding is ignoring her, before following acknowledged, but celebrated. Love originally intended. families spanning the time of them to the hospital and discovering him or hate him, you’ve heard of him, The Fall of the House of Usher America’s Salem witch trials to the she has died. Convinced she didn’t and likely read or heard one of his by: Edgar Alan Poe present. kill herself, Shari becomes a works. With the many adaptations of Practicing his own advice, From a Buick 8 by: Stephen King supernatural sleuth, opening her own Poe’s contributions to the genre of “The Fall of the House of Usher” is King’s second, and lesser investigation for answers. mystery and horror, it’s easy to forget a perfect example a short story known story of a supernatural car. Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. that it would be more than half a without a single word wasted. Poe’s “From a Buick 8,” which he Hyde by: Robert Louis Stevenson century before even the first black and compulsive attention to detail ironically began composing only An entertaining story for white, and silent films would emerge. makes the story of Roderick Usher months before his own accident in anyone with even a mild interest in So, if you are looking for oozes fear, doom, self-fulfilling 1999, is a collection of memories philosophy or psychology, “Strange something more this year than an hour prophecy and guilt. from the members of a police Case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde” and a half plus of cannibalism and The Cask of Amontillado by: barracks in Western Pennsylvania, presents a compelling examination of Megan Fox or the latest installment of Edgar Alan Poe who lost one of their own to a Freud’s concepts of the conscious the Saw series, dust off that library A unique deviation from drunk driver. “From a Buick 8” is a and unconscious mind, the duality of card and check out some these classic Poe’s usual mystery and detective mesmerizing exploration of the human nature, and the omnipresent reads of Poe’s and others creepy tales, “The Cask of Amontillado” human fascination with the struggle of good over evil. classics. set in an unnamed Italian city, in an October HALLOWEEN SPECIAL B2 FILMS Annunaki: Cold blooded politicians CONTINUED FROM B1 particularly “A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The vs. conspiracy theorists Dream Warriors” and “Wes Emilie Schnabel Jake Kinderman Craven’s New Nightmare.” Staff Writer Staff Writer Watch out for: green and red Does anything ever seem spookily similar I was recently visited by a faceless angelic color schemes, extendable to you about the most popular political figures of entity riding a hoverboard who went by the name of arms, disbelieving adults, a the times? No, it isn’t the rhetoric, the identical Sir Frederick Scrumgruzzle. Sir Frederick told me a young Johnny Depp. outfits, or the broken promises that are most race of seven-foot-tall, blood-drinking, shape- The Orphanage alarming. These are probably just misunderstood shifting humanoid reptilians from the Alpha (2007): A moving, genuinely customs shared by the political figures as, Draconis star system are the force behind a world- terrifying film with only according to a very small number of conspiracy wide conspiracy directed at humanity! I couldn’t small amounts of blood. theorists, occultists and ufologists; they all come believe it, so being a well trained liberal arts student G u i l l e r m o D e l T o r o from the same place. Outer space. That’s right, the I immediately consulted Wikipedia. He had repeated produced this wonderful film connecting thread between Jesus, Bush, Ramses, it word for word so it had to be true! a b o u t a w o m a n w h o Elizabeth II and Hitler isn’t their radical ideas, it is Further research led me to David Icke, a.k.a. desperately searches for her missing son, and starts their genesis as blood-drinking, shape-shifting the savior of humanity. He has written countless to believe that he’s been stolen by ghosts. Sounds a aliens. times on the subject of the reptilian rulers. He calls bit like “Poltergeist.” Despites its clichés, the film Wait a minute, “ufologists”? So the people them the “Annunaki.” The Annunaki have been really does show us that you can produce an who study UFO sightings are also the same people assuming the forms of most of the world’s generals emotional horror film that works based on the who are telling the world that we are controlled by and political leaders for audience’s sympathy for the film’s characters. Watch evil vampire lizard aliens? I’m just saying… thousands of years! out for: a kid with a bag over his head, a spooky The most outspoken supporter of the Icke traced their cave, a bowl of fresh berries, a brass door knob. “Anunnaki” (the name of the vampire lizard aliens) bloodline all the way Psycho (1960): Alfred Hitchcock’s is David Icke, an ex football player and politician. I back to the 12th masterpiece of horror. The film has just a little blood suppose after retiring from football, and getting century. For example, and plenty of psychological action. It created a new nowhere in politics, the best way to stay in the the Windsor-Bush type of film and introduced the first scream queen: public eye is to become a conspiracy theorist. It bloodline is easily Janet Leigh (Jamie Lee Curtis’ mom). It’s also the certainly seems to pay well. traced back to such first “slasher” film and paved the way for countless Other than drinking blood, and wasting powerful historical imitators. If you watch one film this Halloween and their time bossing around lousy earthlings, what is figures as Ramses II, it isn’t “Halloween,” then this is must be it. Watch it that these aliens do? Well I found scores of Cleopatra and Julius out for: chocolate syrup, taxidermy, Norman Bates’ purported evil plans on David “Icky” Icke’s site to Caesar up to today’s mother, showers. destroy the human race ranging from 9/11 to swine leaders such as the [Rec] (2007): By far one of the better horror flu. That’s right; swine flu was engineered in a lab, Rockefeller family, films to have come out in recent years. Also one of and spread to the human population so that they can queen Elizabeth, and right back to G.W. Bush the best Spanish films available. The film attempts be “culled” and 9/11 was a warning from the himself! Icke writes that this very bloodline is linked to place the audience in the actual events by using a extraterrestrials to every royal family in Europe. Another blood link handheld camera, zero music and a closed location. The only “evidence” supporting this shows 35 of the 43 presidents of the United States The effect is a hyper-realistic horror film about an lizardmen theory? Some poorly photoshopped eye- are direct descendants of King Charlemagne of apartment quarantined for having a contagious witness photos and drawings, and books written by France, which Icke is very concerned about, and so infection that turns people into mindless cannibals. ex-politicians. The photos I saw were generally of am I! Sound familiar? Yep, “Quarantine” is the American two different varieties: the first were pictures of This is where the shape-shifting comes in. remake. Also, zombies. Yes, there are zombies. But political figures snapped in the middle of speeches These aliens are from the fourth dimension which more along the lines of “28 Days Later,” and with so their eyes were everyone knows that is where Demons, Succubi and similar plot elements. However, what makes [Rec] open and tongues Tyra Banks came from. So, they can live millions of so much better than “28 Days Later” and other slightly out. The human years and take on any form they require to horror films made with a handheld camera (i.e. second were painfully carry out their sinister tasks. “Cloverfield,” “The Blair Witch Project”) is that it’s primitive mash-ups of The Annunaki are required to drink the life short, sweet, the action builds quickly and it politician’s faces on force of the form they are mimicking, therefore they concludes with an ultra scary climax. lizard’s bodies. And need to drink copious amounts of human blood to Saw (2004): The film has been panned by t h e e y e - w i t n e s s sustain their form. Icke says there are mounds of critics and audiences for being a bunch of baloney. d r a w i n g s ? T h e y evidence to support the fact that powerful But I think it’s worth a shot just to see what all the looked an awful lot organizations are taking part in ritual human hype is about. The film is rather daring—it breaks like the doodles Jake sacrifice on a regular basis. Obviously they are out from other sub-genres such as psychological, K i n d e r m a n w a s lizards! How could Icke be wrong? “slasher,” and the like, and creates its own. It’s not working on in class I bet you are wondering who today’s current torture porn—nothing like last week. I couldn’t lizards are. How could Ronald Reagan have survived “Hostel”—although the two f i n d a n y b o d y o n the assassination attempt in 1981 if he didn’t have a are frequently mentioned in campus who thought lizard scale-hide to protect him from the bullets? He the same sentence. What is it? that the pictures looked real or who agreed with the only “died” in 2004 to take on the form of Miley It’s sadistic. That’s about it. reptile-alien theory. I did, however, find a Facebook Cyrus. Richard Branson’s Virgin company owns Also it’s about the value of group that supported Icke’s theories. So I guess I over 360 companies ranging from cell phones to human life. Watch out for: a must have judged too soon, because anything on airlines, which is obviously the first step to pig head, a disgruntled Facebook must be real. controlling mass populations. Lastly, there is no way orderly, a bathtub, candid Icke has, I fear, overlooked the tiniest of Carrot-Top is a human being. camera. flaws in his theory. If these aliens really are So there you have it. We are being controlled Shaun of the Dead controlling humans, and are evil, then I am sure by the Annunaki and we have to do something to (2004): Not a scary movie at they would not want their plans to be exposed by stop it. How do you tell if someone is Annunaki? I all but definitely one to watch if you’re tired of the someone with as much clout as Icke. Unless, of have taken the liberty of creating a test. Thanks to serious crap. It parodies “Dawn of the Dead” and course, the aliens are just planting these doctored the Salem Witch trials, I figure all you have to do is every other zombie film in existence. The film really photos and conspiracy theorists as red herrings to take the suspected lizard person to a cliff side and emphasizes the humor of mindless, flesh-eating, turn the mass public away from the truth. I guess push them off. If they shape-shift into a reptile and undead creatures and taps into the comedic potential we’ll never know. Touché, reptilian humanoids, scale the wall, they are an Annunaki. If they keep of its main actors. Watch out for: slow-moving touché. falling, they are in a better place that isn’t ruled by Britons, classic LPs, romantic comedies, game show lizards, anyway. contestants.

Our Mission: As fellow students at Role of the Advisor: The SPORTS WRITER Saint Martin’s University, our staff is advisor is a journalist, educator WANTED! constantly working to keep you up to TheTHE BELLTOWER Belltower STAFF and manager who is, above all, date on what is going on around Want to be involved in The Belltower? Co Editors: Layout Editor: a role model. The advisorʼs campus, our community, and Brandon Jones Nick Harvey ultimate goal is to mold, Pick up applications in the TUB and Katie Hawkins throughout the world. Our newspaper preserve and protect an ethical drop them off in room 175. will provide information that is Business Mangager: Photographer and educational environment, valuable to our campus and especially Steven Durgan Ninalynn Benitez not to monitor the final content For Questions, comments, or to the students at SMU. We will never of the student newspaper. back down from taking on any issue at Staff Writers: Tristan Beach suggestions, please send an email to Belltower Advisor our school and promise to give our Krinda Carlson Gary Fiorina Julie Yamamoto [email protected] or drop a note Amanda Hatman Trinity Hoffman by room 175. best efforts to keep the community Jake Kinderman Emilie Schnabel informed. Chris Wilson C1 HALLOWEEN SPECIAL October Soul Solutions: QUARANTINING MAY HELP REDUCE SWINE FLU A VERY Krinda Carlson Swine continues to effect the zombie population at Saint SCARY CANDY Staff Writer Martinʼs University You know what really scares me? It’s in the surrounding forests, making it difficult for kind of flakey, slightly mushy and yet pointy, Edward Teach Zombie Guest Writer officials to round up suspected cases. with layers of bright colors. It’s called candy “We make our homes in the woods around corn, and it is a staple for Halloween. Every Beloved Baran Hall, which originally campus,” said Peter Mort, a zombie rights activist. year, the sugary little treats re-emerge in force. housed Saint Martin’s freshmen for the past 40 “We don’t bother the ‘normies’ except when we’re Bins, bags, jars, pumpkin shaped, corn shaped, years, will be remodeled soon. However, the now hungry. And I think that’s where the problem came from. One of us may have come into contact with random shaped – CANDY CORN EVERYWHE- vacant residence hall has found a new purpose. With the recent outbreak of the H1N1 Influenza virus an infected normie during his or her nightly hunt.” RE! But it’s not the numbers which frighten me. (a.k.a. “Swine Flu”), our school, like many others, Mort has unlived in Saint Martin’s woods for four The fact that you can’t tell if the treat is aged or has adopted new policies and procedures in regard years now. “It’s peaceful, there’s plenty of roadkill if the flaked-texture is purposeful is what really to handling potential along the highways, and normies terrifies. Think about it, all the leftover kernels swine flu cases and don’t attack us with torches,” said Mort. Knowing that his Edenic after the season probably sit in some massive reducing the number of people infected. Baran home is under threat of disease has candy-corn designated graveyard until next Hall is now being used to disturbed him. October rolls around. Who knows how many quarantine potentially “It is scary to think that all tons are resurrected year, after year, after year. infected resident students this time our greatest enemy hasn’t And yet, 8.3 billion of the corn are sold each as part of these new proc- been fire and blows to the head,” said Mort. However, many Halloween! edures. However, these students will have to humans don’t share Mort’s view of This statistic convinces me that not only share the hall with the situation. To them, the swine does the company bring back to life decaying members of the local flu is overhyped and “not a big candy corn each year, but they must inject some zombie community, who deal,” as student Rafael D. kind of addictive property within the candy. I have a far greater number comments. “We don’t have a catastrophe on our hands. We have mean, what’s so special about the combination of of cases. “We’re trying to Photo by Nina Benitez a cold, that’s all.” sugar, water, corn syrup, marshmallow and food- make an effort to show that we care about our Despite opposing sentiments, health coloring? Yet, place a bowl of candy corn in zombies in this time of crisis for them,” said a authorities and advisors are urging humans and front of me and watch the magic happen: take school official who wished to remain anonymous. zombies alike to sanitize their hands after feeding, one. Eat it. Don’t really love it. But then, take “They are an important part of our community and, keeping hands away from the face and generally practicing basic hygiene. another one, and another until POOF, the candy let’s face it, in this post-apocalyptic age we’ve got to accept the zombies as our brethren.” “It’s just good common sense,” said corn is gone! Often, I, the magician who made Zombies are more at risk of contracting the another Saint Martin’s official who wished to the sugary corn disappear, am left groaning in flu. Because they have weaker immune systems, remain anonymous. “We want what’s best for our agony. zombies are prone to contracting more diseases than students and our zombies and we want both groups Here-in lies another freaky attribute of humans—seasonal flu being the worst among them. to remain healthy or unhealthy, I think.” Steps to reduce swine flu cases reflect the school’s candy corn – it’s quite deadly in large quantities. Although the swine flu is no deadlier than the seasonal flu, it is a new strand and most people, and stance on its treatment of zombies. “We’re always And, it is multiplying to possess every holiday: zombies, are not immune to it. The best solution to trying to come up with new ways to deal with our there is now reindeer corn, Indian corn, Cupid reducing the number of people afflicted with the flu human-zombie situation,” said an anonymous corn, and bunny corn. Just think of how many is to isolate potential cases until the individuals’ teacher. “The most effective method right now is a underground candy corn cemeteries there must fevers have gone down and remain down for at least cattle-prod, but quarantining our undead disease threat sounds less messy.” be to hide the leftovers until the holidays 24-hours. However, the zombies on campus reside converge again. Soon, we may find our country overflowing with landfills of these kernels! What does any of this have to do with the 2009 Costume Contest soul, or God for that matter? Actually, believe it or not, it really is quite relevant. How often do TREAT we feed our souls with something that has OR decaying properties and makes us feel sick – and yet we keep going back for more? TRICK On the path to discovering God, Saint Augustine expressed in his book Confessions the same dilemma: “Nothing deserves to be despised more than vice; yet I gave in more and more to vice.” He even prayed that the Lord would deliver him from this battle of wills, but not yet. Or how about the Apostle Paul who struggled with the same thing: “For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing” (Romans 7:19). It seems to be human nature to resurrect Pictured clock wise from top left: Lilia those old kernels of habits in our life week after Bahena, Tim Hockett, Blaine Evans, Tim week, simply because they are the norm for us. Hockett, Kelsey Thompson But, Paul turns around and tells of a promised escape from this vicious cycle – the Lord Jesus The winner of this yearʼs Belltower Christ! If we ask, our old life will go, and we costume contest is: will be given a fresh start (2 Corinth. 5:17); Tim Hockett Jesus throws out all that junk, never to resurrect it again. It is reassuring to me that I can be set His costume was made in 2001. The robot was built from cardboard box, various car free from the things in life that make my soul parts, various size heating ducts, tin, cigar unhealthy, spiritually speaking. box (for control board), flashlight ends (for Now, I wish we could say the same about eyes to light up), and a voice box, and the candy corn problem…just beware, and have various other pieces. It took 54 hrs and great fear of the particularly stale kernels this $250 to create. holiday!