Southland Tales 6 Isaac Katz Isaac’S Not Sure Southland Tales Was Worth the Near-Decade It Took to Come Out

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April 7, 2008 Volume 8, No. 11 8 Digital Amnesia FIRST Valeria Tsygankova Valeria tells us not to lament the LOOK loss of electronic memories. 10 We Were Bored one penn dude One Penn Dude brings a whole new meaning to having too much free time on your hands.

A Keystone State? 4 Christopher Ward Christopher takes a close look at the upcoming Pennsylvania Primaries. photo spotlight: Overlooking 5 Linda Li Review: Southland Tales 6 Isaac Katz Isaac’s not sure Southland Tales was worth the near-decade it took to come out. Comic: glass Half Empty 7 Dan Markowitz photo spotlight: Candle 11 Sarah Boice Letting 12 Charlie Isaacs Poetry. photo spotlight: Two Trees 15 Michael sall crossword: Sneaking Alcohol into the QUad 16 The editors

cover: Passage, by jin Lee Contact Contributors Ed i t o r -i n -Ch i e f : Mi c h a e l Sa l l • Ed i t o r s : T i m Po t e n s , Er i c a T o b i n , Da n De u ts c h • Ch i e f De s i g n Ed i t o r : Ch a r l i e Is a a c s • Ch i e f Ar t Ed i t o r : Da n Ma r k o w i t z • We b m a s t e r : T i m Po t e n s • Bu s i n e s s Ma n a g e r : An n a FIRST CALL, Ke l l y Wr i t e r ’s Ho u s e To l m a c h • Distribution Ma n a g e r : Va l e r i a T s y g a n k o v a • Tr e a s u r e r : Ra c h a e l Hu t c h i n s o n • Fe a t u r e s Ma n a g e r : Ka t h y 3805 Lo c u s t Wa l k , Ph i l a d e l p h i a , PA 19104 Wa n g • Re c r u i t m e n t Ma n a g e r : Ri v k a Fo g e l • Ma r k e t i n g Ma n a g e r : Ju n Pa r k • Ar t i s t s : Da n Ma r k o w i t z , Yu e Wu www .f i r s t c allmagazine .c o m Co l u m n i s t s : Va l e r i a T s y g a n k o v a , On e Pe n n Du d e , Ch a r l i e Is a a c s • Wr i t e r s : Ch r i s t o p h e r Wa r d , Is aac Ka t z f cp a p e r @g m a i l .c o m Ph o t o g r a p h e r s : Ji n Le e , Sa r a h Bo i c e , Li n d a Li, Mi c h a e l Sa l l • La y o u t Ar t i s t s : Va l e r i a T s y g a n k o va

2 FIRST CALL Ap ril 7, 2008 LETTER FROM THE EDITORS

Dear First Call Readers, all, you might not be in the best state EDITORIAL to sit down and read our creative, lit- Spring is here! What is really erary, journalistic masterpieces after POLICY important about spring, though, is having played so hard. But it’s not Spring Fling. For those of you in the your fault, because we are telling you First C all is t h e u n d e r g ra d u at e Quad, 24-hour party. And email the to play hard. m a g a z i n e o f t h e Un i v e rsit y o f FC team with your room number. We So, in case you wait until this Pe n n s y l v a n ia p u b lis h e d e v e r y are coming over. weekend to finally read this issue For those of you not in the Quad, (what is wrong with you, don’t you o t h e r Mo n d a y . Ou r m issi o n you have this whole week to relish the know how hot these articles are!), you is t o p r o v i d e m e m b e rs o f t h e fact that come this weekend, you can may need these notes to see through stop by the party and then retreat back your Spring Fling blur: c o m m u n it y a n o p e n f o r u m f o r to your calm, quiet homestead. Christopher Ward writes about e x p r e ssi n g i d e as a n d o p i n i o n s . So seeing as we at First Call are the Pennsylvania Primary. Isaac Katz To t h is e n d , w e , t h e e d it o rs o f amazingly intelligent, supercalifra- reviews the movie Southland Tales. gilisticly fun, and have access to print Charlie Isaacs composes a poem. Val- First Call , ar e c o m m itt e d t o a out our thoughts to the masses, we eria Tsygankova tells all about her p o lic y o f n o t c e n s o ri n g o p i n - would like to give you some advice: computer difficulties and asks the i o n s . Articl e s ar e p r o v i d e d b y Work hard, play hard, and read question: are memories still memo- First Call. ries if they are stored in a hard drive? r e g u lar c o l u m n ists a n d w rit - Working hard is the rule we are (The questions in this article may be e rs . Th e y ar e c h o s e n f o r p u b - most flexible with. Maybe we can al- more fun to contemplate after some licati o n b as e d o n t h e q u alit y low hard work to equal waking up and hard core flinging.) And One Penn going to class for the first half of the Dude entertains us with some fiction. o f writing, a n d , in t h e cas e o f week. Then fling harder… and do our c o m m e n tari e s , t h e q u alit y o f Play hard during Fling… need we crossword to prove it! say more? ar g u m e n tati o n . Ou tsi d e o f t h e And read First Call. Phone Home, editorial a n d o t h e r editorial There may be a few problems that ET (Erica Tobin, Editor) c o n t e n t , n o articl e r e p r e s e n ts arise as a result of this system. After t h e o p i n i o n o f First Call , its editorial b o ar d , o r i n d i v i d u al m e m b e rs o f First Call o t h e r t h a n t h e a u t h o r . No c o n t e n t in First Call u n l e ss o t h e r w is e stat e d r e p r e s e n ts t h e o fficial firstcallism p o siti o n o f t h e a d m i n istra - ti o n , fac u lt y , o r st u d e n t b o d y at lar g e o f t h e Un i v e rsit y o f Oreos are unhealthy. Pe n n s y l v a n ia . You should deep-fry s u p p o r t e d b y t h e k e l l y celery instead. w r i t e r s h o u s e

FIRST CALL Ap ril 7, 2008 3 a keystone state? the importance of pennsylvania primaries christopher ward t seems funny, at least to this na- cast towards this state, both by the double-digit lead for Hillary Clinton, tive Pennsylvanian, that after media and the candidates themselves. support from in-state politicos has Imonths of political maneuver- Both sides have made numerous vis- not been nearly as consistent. While ing, hours of media pandering, and its, and many pundits whose creden- Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell miles of jet-setting across the nation tials tell us they are to be trusted are and Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nut- in an attitude not unlike the frenzied certain that Pennsylvania’s outcome ter have both pinned their support prospector in search of hidden bits of could mean the end of one candidate’s for the New York Senator, Senator gold (in this case, replace “gold” with campaign. As a Pennsylvania Demo- Robert Casey, generally considered a “elderly retirees” and “fence-sitting in- crat with every intention to vote in conservative democrat for certain so- dependents”), this race for the White the primary, I feel both a considerable cial stances, has recently come out in House would hinge support of Senator Ba- so greatly on the out- rack Obama. This latter come of April’s Penn- endorsement could be sylvania Primaries. more significant, given Much of the main- the demographics of stream media (of Pennsylvanians. What is course discounting interesting to consider that crazy old uncle is the geographic—and known as Fox News therefore political—set- Channel) is pretty up of the state. On both much determined, the extreme west and with zero percent of east of the state are its the precincts report- two largest cities, Pitts- ing, that whoever is burgh and Philadelphia. the Democratic can- Both have significant didate for President populations of union will ultimately take workers and racial mi- the White House in norities, which are often November. With this cited as leading demo- it seems very likely graphics in the Demo- that the results of cratic Party. Yet the Pennsylvania’s pri- middle of the state, be- mary just might be, sides the State capital of pardon the pun, Harrisburg, is primarily the keystone upon rural country, sparsely which the victor will populated yet generally gallivant all the way different in political af- to Pennsylvania Av- filiation with each end of enue. the state. In a sense, this A look at the configuration is not too current delegate tal- different from the Unit- lies between the two ed States at large, since candidates shows both the West and East a lead for Barack Coasts in recent history Obama over Hillary have been considered Clinton, though the “blue states” while much totals are not too far off. If anything, amount of pressure and just a little bit of what is called the “Heartland” has it seems to show a split in the Ameri- of doubt that the Keystone State will been traditionally “red.” In the past few can Democrat, since neither candi- provide the best gauge or absolute Presidential elections, the Democratic date could procure enough delegates clincher for breaking this logjam be- Party has carried the state, mainly on to clinch a win. As a resident of Penn- tween Clinton and Obama. In fact, it the backs of its Democratic jugger- sylvania and an occasional watcher of might be just as split as the rest of the naut in the big cities. Yet even with news programs, satirical or otherwise, nation. these similarities, it might be noted I have seen an awful lot of attention Although recent polls indicate a that the Pennsylvania Democrat isn’t

4 FIRST CALL Ap ril 7, 2008 entirely like those found in, say, Cali- a double-digit lead in preliminary “Ballot Bowl,” as CNN so colorfully fornia or Texas. polling of Pennsylvania voters. Yet, as puts it. For purposes of not wanting As mentioned earlier, a strong mentioned, the endorsement of con- to seem slanted or dictatorial I will union presence amidst those who fall servative Democrat Senator Casey not indicate which way I am leaning, under the moniker of “blue collar” for Barack Obama might help sway but the issues I raised regarding what helps contribute to the Democratic some Pennsylvania Democrats who may be the important issues for oth- Party’s success in Pennsylvania. In might not see the two candidates as er Pennsylvania Democrats are very short, bearing in mind the inevitable polar opposites in their ideology any similar to the ones that require my exception, many Pennsylvanians af- longer. It is hard to say whether the own discernment. It might even be filiate themselves along party lines socially more moderate Pennsylvania strange to say that regardless of who for economic reasons in spite of in- Democrat that otherwise has simi- receives my vote on April 22nd, he or compatible social stances, much the lar economic stances with the rest of she will not receive my support in the same way that many Republicans the party’s national constituency is so November election; that is, if I opt to often concede their party’s econom- far preferential to Clinton due to her vote for John McCain. For those who ic stances (which ultimately might stigma as “less liberal,” though recent wish for a clearer picture after the not be beneficial to them) in lieu of Presidential elections seem to indicate dust has settled from the Pennsylva- their considerably conservative social for the state a heavier importance of nia Primary, I say I would not be sur- stances. With the common belief, if economic matters. prised if things just might be all the not stereotype, that Senator Obama On April 22nd the rest of my state more nebulous. FC holds stances that are generally more and I will have an important deci- left of those of Senator Clinton, it is sion to make, one that might mean Christopher is a sophomore in the College. no surprise, then, that Clinton holds the whole kit and caboodle for the You can write to him at wardct@sas. PhotoSpotlight: Overlooking, BY Linda Li

Linda Li is a freshman in the College. You can write to her at lindali@sas.

FIRST CALL Ap ril 7, 2008 5 review: southland tales the art of the mess Isaac katz nce in a while there’s a movie that thing. Every Thomas Pynchon book least it’s an ethos”). Osneaks up on viewers and smacks redefines “mess,” and it works at least Southland Tales tries the same them hard. Seven years ago, Richard sometimes – The Crying of Lot 49 is tactics, except, to be honest, it isn’t Kelly’s debut film Donnie Darko was surely America’s finest post-war novel that convoluted, isn’t that confusing, that sort of film – packed with hilari- (sometimes it doesn’t work, though and isn’t that much of a mess. It makes ous jokes (“Sometimes I doubt your – his most recent novel, Against the perfect, logical, linear sense all the commitment to Sparkle Motion!”, Day, lacks any sort of weight or feeling way through, with maybe a few twist- say, of the nauseating inspirational to it except a few oblique references to ing allegiances here and a bit of pseu- speaker’s hidden pedo secret), a cir- “the day”). And the Coen brothers’ The doscience there. The fact that it was cular time travel plot that considered impenetrable rewarded multiple viewings, only speaks poorly to the and surprising emotional intelligence of American resonance. The movie failed audiences. in theaters both in its initial Hint: Pilot Abilene’s release and its ill-advised di- repeated references to the rector’s cut re-release, but it Book of Revelations are did gangbusters on DVD and there for a reason. The midnight showings, quickly story is a retelling of the becoming what many would Christian end of days. The call a cult classic. Baron, playing one side It took most of a de- against another, is the cade for Richard Kelly to Devil; Krysta Now, the finish his follow-up to former porn star, is Mary Donnie Darko. Preced- Magdalene; Boxer San- ed by an elaborate web- taros, also known in site, forestalled with his psychic screenplay three even more elabo- as Jericho Cane (note: rate prequel graphic JC), is Jesus Christ; novels, and plagued Roland Taverner, by delays for improved along with his alter ego special effects, South- Ronald, is the second land Tales has only just coming who causes the been finally released on end of the world – and, DVD (by which time its possibly, the beginning slightly-in-the-future set- of a new one, or at least ting, the summer of 2008, a new reality – by meeting begins to seem not so slight- his past self and disrupt- ly-in-the-future). When it ing the space-time contin- originally premiered in May uum. (All this isn’t much 2006 at the Cannes Film of a spoiler, seeing as it Festival, it bombed and re- won’t make much sense to ceived a tiny release a year someone who hasn’t seen later – mostly in the South- the film.) land, as it happens, and LA. What is most befud- This is all despite a jam- dling about the movie is packed cast of recognizable stars: The Big Lebowski is a masterpiece of mess, how critics reacted to it. It is no messi- Rock (aka Dwayne Johnson), Sean mixing bowling, a convoluted case of er than the average David Lynch mov- William Scott, Justin Timberlake, mistaken identity, more bowling, a ie, and Southland Tales’s Rebekah Del Sarah Michelle Gellar, Mandy Moore, progressively less-dangerous crime Rio song is surely a reference to her and many more. Largely dismissed by story, more bowling, and joke after piece in Mulholland Drive. Kelly is the few critics who did review it, their joke (“say you what you want about funnier than Lynch, though, if less tal- most common phrase in describing National Socialism,” says the religious ented visually: think of the porn star’s Southland Tales was “a mess.” Jew, comparing the Nazi party to a boldly daft proclamation, “The New Now, a “mess” isn’t always a bad group of self-styled Nihilists, “but at York Times said that God is dead.”

6 FIRST CALL Ap ril 7, 2008 Or Jon Lovitz’s absurd turn as a “Teen Horniness is Not a Crime” – “I Richard Kelly’s next film is The blond-haired dirty cop. never said it was,” says the staid vice- Box, a Cameron Diaz-starring studio Or a “Neo-Marxist” woman’s presidential candidate. flick. Maybe it will take a step away statement that, “these Hollywood Southland Tales has one major from what gives his films their ab- managers, they think their shit doesn’t flaw. Jake Gyllenhaal’s moody, de- surdist quality, since a major studio smell,” and her big-time trouble-mak- pressive, disturbed turn as the titu- would never accept a Southland Tales- ing friend’s observation that, “when lar teenager in Donnie Darko was an type film in a Cameron Diaz vehicle. the shit hits the fan, it all smells the eminently sympathetic performance Cynics would say Kelly needs out- same.” and formed the emotional basis of side direction, as occurred in Donnie Or two SUVs “pork[ing] each the film. It was hard not to root for Darko (but not in the inferior Donnie other,” a perfect metaphor for the such a lost soul. Southland Tales has Darko director’s cut nor in Southland American obsession with the car as a no such character. Watching the film, Tales), in order to reign in his worst sex symbol. one feels utter regret that Kelly didn’t tendencies. We shall see. Still, even at Or a porn star’s realization, “what simply include a scene or two depict- its worst, Southland Tales is clearly a happens when a woman has sex on a ing The Rock’s helplessness in the face work of passion rather than ambition, flight from London to Los Angeles, of his amnesia or Sean William Scott’s of time rather than impulse. It is hard then takes the morning-after pill while stunned confusion in the face of his to criticize Kelly for that. flying across the time zone? Then it soul being literally split in two. Both Southland Tales grade: B–. FC becomes the morning-before pill!” actors give strong performances, but a Or Sarah Michelle Gellar’s perfect little emotion in the middle of the ab- Isaac is a junior in the College. imitation of Britney Spears’ pop song, surdity would have gone a long way. You can write to him at isaachk@sas.

Dan Markowitz is a freshman in Engineering. You can write to him at idaniel@seas and visit his website at http://www.defectivity.com.

FIRST CALL Ap ril 7, 2008 7 DIGITAL AMNESIA A DEAD HARD DRIVE DOES NOT MEAN THE END OF THE WORLD By Valeria Tsygankova

8 FIRST CALL Ap ril 7, 2008 y computer crashed last week from a severely decrepit hard drive. All I had backed up at the time were a few pieces ofM writing that I had considered worth saving in case something happened. When it did happen, I lost everything, including all my music, my photos, and my notes for the next day’s midterm. Ever since, I’ve had to use the computers in the Gregory computer lab—a small, smelly room with cinderblock walls. I’m writing this piece there now. Feel bad for me? So did my friends, whose condolences might have been more appropriate for the death of a relative than for a piece of machinery. thing him- But I did feel like someone close to me self. It is also the had died, or more accurately, as if a wave of the future: part of me had. It was so strange that Microsoft specu- all my files were gone: my memories lates that the 200 felt less real. It consoled me that many terabytes needed of my pictures were somewhere on Fa- to back up an en- cebook, as if losing all of them would tire life, including have been an insurmountable blow. I video recordings of blamed myself for not owning a Mac everything that happens, will Time Capsule: it “backs up a lifetime’s soon be widely available. worth of memories.” But Bell’s surrogate mem- A lifetime’s worth of memories… ory has experienced its own Staring forlornly at the shiny white share of crashes, one of which box, I was reminded of a 2007 New resulted in the loss of several Yorker article about Dr. Gordon Bell, a months’ worth of data. In the 73-year-old Microsoft researcher who New Yorker, Bell described this is trying to digitally archive his entire loss as “a severe emotional blow, life. Bell is test-driving a digital data- perhaps like having one’s memo- base known as MyLifeBits by upload- ries taken away.” ing to it all of his paper documents, My own loss felt the same at first, sound files of his conversations, videos as if all of those pictures had been real of his experi- memories, and ences, pictures without them I of everyone he I did feel like couldn’t be sure meets, all the anything had ac- emails he sends someone close tually happened. and websites I think this wor- he visits, and to me had died, ry is prevalent all the steps he today. It’s com- takes using a mon to be more GPS. He even or more accu- concerned with wears a camera documenting an around his neck rately, as if a experience than that snaps a pic- actually having ture of whatev- part of me had. it, like getting in er is in front of front of a cam- him every thirty seconds. MyLifeBits is era before going out, or sightseeing supposed to be a “surrogate memory,” only for the photo opportunities. And a back up in case Bell somehow loses there’s always those few tourists who all of his material memories, and a re- keep a video camera pointed at every- lease from having to remember anything they see. Many will never look at

FIRST CALL Ap ril 7, 2008 9 the footage, but they record it because abdicating my identity to it? Accord- in denying our transience with con- being somewhere and not documenting to Bell – sort of. cepts like “digital immortality,” we’re ing it seems like not really being there “[The database] learns to be- distancing ourselves from the present at all. come like you,” he told the New Yorker, as well. If we rely on recording our We need these videos and pic- “to help you be a better you. Comput- memories, we will never be present tures the same way enough in our lives to we need the 20 GB of experience anything. music on our iPods, We think that we need to And when it’s time and for the same rea- to hand over our life son that Dr. Bell needs make our experiences into databases to our chil- photo documentation dren, will they really of all the commemora- objects because we know know us at all? tive t-shirts he has ever So I refuse to owned. mourn the loss of my “There’s just a lot we are capable of it. hard drive. My mem- of interesting stuff I ories aren’t gone. My want to see,” he told the New Yorker. ers are going to become tools we work life bits are all still here, experiences “And I need it available to me 24/7,” with and trust, rather than merely internalized, relationships intact. Be- the piece seemed to imply. MyLifeBits appliances.” According to this view, I sides some useful class notes, I haven’t is an extreme example of this impulse felt bad when my hard drive crashed lost anything. to hoard memories, but storing pic- because I had lost a better me, a part The only time that memories be- tures, videos, and music on our hard of myself. But my respect for man- come capable of physically disappear- drives seems like their commodifica- kind compels me to deny this. After ing is when we treat them like objects tion as well. Our technology allows an all, people have made do for centuries that can be cut, copied, and pasted. FC immaterial and transient experience with the natural limitations of memo- to transform into an object and to ry and without the “digital immortali- Valeria Tsygankova is a freshman in the be stored in a database and accessed ty” that MyLifeBits seeks to establish. College.You can write to her at valeriat@sas. whenever we want. We think that we They might have even lived more need to make our experiences into ob- fully, from what Bell’s experience jects because we know we are capable tells us: toward the end of the New Opposite Page: of it. Yorker story, he admits that he some- This world in which the material times feels like he isn’t really living, PhotoSpotlight backup becomes the memory worries like maintaining the database is tak- me. Doesn’t psychology tell us that ing over his life. What amazes me is Candle, our identities are an intricate combi- that he continues to think a complete nation of genetic potential and life ex- memory archive is a good idea at all. BY Sarah Boice perience? Don’t “my life bits” inform Bell and MyLifeBits aren’t anom- who I am as a person? If I entrust a alies; they’re products of a society that Sarah Boice is a sophomore in the College. computer with my memories, am I distances mortality at every cost. But You can write to her at asar@sas. I love the beach, but I wish I was at First Call...

Come to our next meeting, Thursday, April 10th at 8pm in the Harnwell (HRE) upper lobby.

10 FIRST CALL Ap ril 7, 2008 FIRST CALL Ap ril 7, 2008 11 Letting Poetry Charlie Isaacs: Submit your Charlemagne in charge

Hands, hearts lace up, tied up and tied down, folded tight, Curtains and curtains to get lost in, and latches and boards nailed and locked So I live and breathe barely and impossibly

When backs turn, and eyes roll, and lips perch, Articles Her look moves away, and their look scoots in, Whispers pass backwards and forwards—they’re not supposed to— I need to need to stop and ask and cry, Photos And run and hide and fret and regret, upset Playing it like it’s something else because it is And calling it something And not having the slightest idea what I’m working with, Poetry So I act how I ought to act And move in the direction I was told to follow Cartoons Cardiac fingers wrapped around the bars of a jail-cell chest To scream hell when demons come to get me I wonder who this devil is Opinions I flee the campfire so I won’t have to listen to the ghost stories, So I get lost in the dark And I follow the midnight din frantically and closely

For I need to need to know everything Especially how I look and how I will be looked upon

The luxury of walking away from things is painted on billboards to fcpaper I’m not that lucky, I can only afford to run away from them I say what I am supposed to say and I go nowhere, @gmail.com I drive to fight the way I drive I roll the windows down because I think it’s better and then I roll them back up And I try to sound it out and I don’t and I need to

Hesitating, holding back, hiding Delaying, distracting, painfully, and Never To let her know what I am doing, and scorch myself for that little bit of honesty

12 FIRST CALL Ap ril 7, 2008 Trying to decide – And turning back and away and back a thousand times until I forget which way Is which And I don’t know what I want

I hang in there like stupid Pathetically Submit your

Being something and being everything So I won’t have to be nothing

Forgiveness – What are these wars I wage against myself? Articles I ask the most misinformed, disinformed child of me Who continues to inform me that something is wrong To pardon, and excuse, and absolve, and exonerate, Photos And let off, Because doomed Is different From just dazed…or even dreaming Poetry

Why should I stoke the fire tonight? And why should I cover my ears? I can sleep, and until then, I can listen as the fire cracks and spits like a monster Cartoons And when my eyes close, the burnt images dissipate into whatever Flames flicker, forget A cool grace slips over and around me Opinions Accepting my very own apology For all of those childhood misunderstandings So I can call the wars off and silence all struggles with those Self-embracing words – It’s Okay

Forgiveness to fcpaper To sniff, sip, swish around, swallow wholesome holy air whole, @gmail.com Good air Night air Letting in, letting out – Letting in, letting out –

Forgiveness

Charlie Isaacs is a sophomore in the College. You can write to him at isaacsj@sas.

FIRST CALL Ap ril 7, 2008 13 we were bored fiction one penn dude: rambles et al. t started because we were bored. INo other reason. We tried grow- ing facial hair first — I think everyone does that — but it didn’t do too much for us. “It’ll be a vacation from your- selves,” someone told us. But it wasn’t true. The next thing we tried was changing names. It sounds pretty easy, but it wasn’t. Do you know how hard it is to call someone by a different name? And to respond to a name that’s not your own? The goal was to get as fluid as possible. It took about a month, but we got pretty good. Then we sort of realized, hey, what’s the point? days it wasn’t hard to find leftovers ly- even go to the bathroom. It’s not my After that we pretended we didn’t ing around Houston or to talk to the favorite place, but it was good. Good know each other. It was kind of fun; it food cart people right before they for the time, at least. taught us a lot about how people are, closed up. “Are you going to just throw We made it, though. We made it how we tend to act towards people that away?” we asked. It was easy. the whole month. It was fun, a good we know. It was difficult to not look Dinner… Well, I had volunteered challenge. I was definitely less bored, at him when someone in class said at a soup kitchen first semester — you I can say that for sure. Am I glad it’s something stupid or to pretend like I know, give back a little, pay it forward. over? Yeah, I am. D wanted to go an- didn’t know him when we passed each So we just went there. Sure, it was a other month, but I said no way. It was other on Locust. It got lonely though, little awkward because they all knew good for what it was, but I’m glad it’s so we stopped. me. But then, you know what? They over. I think I missed Bui’s the most. “I have an idea,” I announced. got over it, and so did I. It was better, I fuckin’ love Bui’s. I go there every- “Yeah?” too, because I didn’t have to prepare day now. “How long do you think we could or serve the food. Here I was doing I know what you’re gonna ask — not spend money for?” less work and they served me. Can what now? Am I right? I know I am. “I dunno. Maybe like a year.” you believe it? Well get ready for this — it’s good. “Really?” The hard part, or the harder We’ve already started, in fact. We’re “Yeah.” parts, was drugs and alcohol. Well, not going to shower. Instead, we’re “Really?” the alcohol, that was easy. We went going to take baths. No big deal, “Yeah.” to Smoke’s, like we always did, and right? Too easy? Well we’re gonna do So we tried. Our goal was a we just stole beer. We didn’t even it for a year. We’re gonna take baths month. really steal it. People left unfinished for a whole fucking year. FC Breakfast was easy, because we pitchers around, so we took them. didn’t eat breakfast. And dinner was No harm, no foul, right? “But how’d The author of this column wishes to easy, I’ll get to that. Lunch, though… you get in?” you ask. What about the remain anonymous. You can write to lunch was a bitch. I joined the Ameri- cover? Well, I know the bouncer. I’m him at OnePennDude@gmail. can Society of Southeast Asians, so also twenty, by the way, so he really Wednesday was covered. D signed up came in handy. Opposite Page: for club squash because they had team And the drugs, what about the lunches twice a week. Most people drugs? Easier than you’d think. If you PhotoSpotlight didn’t mind if he brought me. Friday go to the right places, things just get was the best— - plenty of fairs. And passed around. It’s not about know- Two trees, the rest of the time, well, the rest of ing the right people; it’s about know- BY michael Sall the time we scavenged. We’d usually ing the right places. There’s this bar at panhandle one day a week, Tuesdays, 50th— - it’s nothing like Smoke’s, and Michael Sall is a junior in the College and but only because it was fun. The other people just get high there. They don’t Wharton. You can write to him at sallms@sas.

14 FIRST CALL Ap ril 7, 2008 FIRST CALL Ap ril 7, 2008 15 ACROSS 1. Replace the ______half of a case of Pepsi with different cans. How to Sneak Alcohol 4. Do this through the cave-like secret tunnels under the Quad. into the Quad 5. Get a backpack for this with a built- in “water” pouch. 8. ______some apple juice… for next year’s Fling. 9. ______from the top of hospital. 12. Fill these with tequila. Just don’t get a flat. 17. Ask that kid down the hall from West Virginia how to make this. 18. Train a flock of ______to lift a keg. 19. Save your empty laundry ______bottles. A few bubbles never hurt anyone.

DOWN 2. Take a swig and gradually sneak a handle in, ______by ______. 3. Stow it away up here a year early; just don’t forget which room was yours. 6. Go 20s style and mix up some ______gin. 7. Drain this and refill it; hopefully you don’t mind colored drinks. 10. Glue root beer ______over non- root beer bottles. 11. Find one of these engineers and rig a pulley system over Hamilton Walk. 13. Go ______: Use a catapult. 14. Bribe the AlliedBarton guard with the health ______that they don’t get. 15. Talk to one of these doctors at HUP and get a catheter bag. 16. Grab one of these and inject alcohol into an orange. [

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