Why the Irish have taken to Swinging

By Rita de Brun

To prevent their relationships from foundering, some couples permit each The idea seemed hilarious for the obvious reasons, but the fact that her other to have sex with others, subject to rules, such as telling each other husband was a dead-ringer for Rick Moranis, the guy who played the and every encounter. creepy, geeky lead in the Honey, I Shrunk the Kids movie, made it farci- Negotiated fidelity is the subject of The Velvet Pouch, the third book in an cal. erotic trilogy by Australian author, Holly Hill, whose Sugarbabe and Toyboy It would have been needlessly impolite to say that, so I offered some memoirs enraged prudes and monogamists. banal excuse and fled. There‟s nothing prudish about monogamy, but while it‟s blissful for most The matter was never mentioned again. It would have been unsporting to couples, it‟s monotony for others. “Fifty per cent of men cheat on their discuss it with mutual friends, so I never did. It seems rude to discuss the wives and 40 per cent of women cheat on their husbands,” says relation- sexual peccadilloes of those we know. Provided they‟re lawful and con- ship expert, David Kavanagh. “If swinging was the norm and everyone sensual, what matters? could have sex with everyone else, there‟d be chaos. Not everyone can handle that amount of power.” Yet, silence builds secrecy and lack of information builds myth. “There‟s a That‟s no deterrent to the 13% of adults who are in open or swinging rela- belief that swinging parties are orgies, but this isn‟t the case,” says Philip tionships (according to a survey by the She Knows website). There has Moore, founder of the irishswingers.ie website. always been talk of celebrities who boosted their sex lives by swinging. “There‟s a perception that swingers are sex maniacs,” says Steve Monta- gue co-founder of swing4ireland.com. “In reality, there‟s no requirement Earlier this year, Jada Pinkett Smith spoke amid rumours she had an open to remove your clothes or to have sex with anyone. Those who come marriage with actor, Will Smith. But she muddied the waters more: “Will purely to socialise are welcome, provided they‟re not there to judge oth- and I both can do whatever we want, because we trust each other to do ers.” so,” she said. “This does not mean we have an open relationship ... this However, sometimes „the best laid plans‟ go out the window, says Ka- means we have a grown one.” vanagh. “In social situations, we behave like the crowd, and while we may Brittney Jones, who claimed she had an affair with Ashton Kutcher, also not be attracted to anyone there, we may still have sex, if that‟s what‟s said Kutcher told her that he and Demi Moore had an open marriage. But expected of us.” Ashton wasn‟t supposed to act without Demi — she wanted to be involved One trait that‟s not expected of swingers is jealousy, and while you‟d too. Though the couple — now split — never commented on the claims, imagine it occurs between swinging couples at least occasionally, Monta- many high-profile relationships are under pressure to keep the passion gue says it doesn‟t. “If it becomes an issue, they should quit.” high, and conform to the public image. “Swinging is mostly driven by men, and while some women do it to please But can an „open‟ attitude be the downfall of a couple? “I‟m not a swinger, their partners, there‟s no sign that they‟re being physically forced to par- nor am I judging those who swing, but it‟s naive for couples to think they ticipate,” says Moore. won‟t develop feelings for anyone they meet this way,” says Kavanagh. But it‟s more complex than that, says Kavanagh. “Bullying and harass- “We can‟t really separate sex from emotion, although porn makes us think ment may come into it. Women may be told „If you don‟t come with me, I‟ll we can. Couples who swing play with fire. If an insecure man sees his wife go on my own‟.” having an amazing time with someone else, he may have sex with four As for the benefits of swinging, Kavanagh says it may provide those who women to get his own back on her.” are potentially bisexual with an opportunity to express that side of them- While most of us would be hard-pressed to name anyone who swings, selves. “If they do that, they have to be prepared for the implications their there‟s plenty of it about. Swing4Ireland.com is just one of the websites behaviour may have on their partners and on their relationships.” catering for Irish demand. That site boasts 130,000 members and 300 new- comers each week. Swinging isn‟t for everyone. Despite working in the business for years, You don‟t have to join a swingers‟ site to swing. But unless you initiate the neither Montague nor Moore are, or ever have been, swingers. game or are invited to play, you‟re unlikely to know who in your circle is part of the scene. As for why people swing, Moore is philosophical: “Sometimes, love just I learned that one evening in Dalkey. isn‟t enough.” I was leaving a house-party with a friend when the hostess, a pretty blonde

I barely knew, called me aside and indelicately enquired as to whether I © Irish Examiner Ltd. All rights reserved might like to visit again soon, this time to engage in some nameless fun with her and her husband.