,THE DUMSL SINCE 1966 STUDENT RAG

April 2, 2007

www.thecurrentonline~com . INSIDE , New DUMS[ 'ldeniity Project What will DUMsrs new identity be? narrows list of names to six , Pollutants By DARTH' GRANGER Quik Read shout 'who cares' when we were talk­ ing about it," Braxton said. Sensationalist Quik chocolate milk: is full of vitamin A "Obviously, that person is going to and D and helps keeps bones strong vote for the Hell if I Cares." The search for DUMSL's new iden­ and healthy. It tastes. good too. !rna Quitter, junior, political postur­ New shutHe route tity continues as choices have been nar­ ing, was originally tapped to head the rowed down to six finalists . firm. cotpmittee. H¢ promptly resigned from ~ unveied The new iden~ty will replace die "We have spent a relatively modest the post, citing internal pressure within Nlud Pigeons Riverpimp, the name for DUMSL $1,236,9~7.56 on this search;" Braxton the committee, even though the com­ The 19th shuttle route of sports teams for the last 40 years. . said. "But hey, it was worth it right? I mittee had yet to meet. the season has been The choices are the Commuters, the mean, this is our identity, people. This ·''What can I say," Quitter said. released Frenchies, the River Sludge, the represents us at our sporting events." "There was just too much internal pres­ Pollutants, the Mud Pidgeons and the Braiton, who prefers the Frenchies sure. I had to re5ign, for ~e good of the See page 3 Hell if I Cares. (see World War IT for reasons), said he students." Deandrevil Braxton, representative believes DUMSL students will rally . for the Office of Student Half-life, said behind the effort. the choice was aided by an outside "Just the other day I heard someone See RIVERPIMP, page 3

HERE'S A STORY OF A MAN NAMED BRADY Myspace­ wannabee­ book made

~ JK's new clothing I'ine comes out more stalker­ The new dothing line for Johann Klein featUfPS clothes for the flood walJl. .friendl y See page 6 ., By S EAMUS M eDINo BribJey Shears Wl.Seman 's BiJcb cuts loose in new "Never bas the feedback for Myspacew8!llllibeebook peen so posi­ Razomead song tive. at least the feedback oming from stalk.-ers, everyone else is pretty pissed , The Stagnant was off at us," said Howard Hughes, CG­ unlucky enough to get an fou nder and head B. S. artist for interview with Britney Myspacewannabeebook. Shears fresh from rehab According to Hughes, and the barber shop. . Myspacewannabeebook adJTIinj tration See page 9 members decided to make the popular Web site more" talker-friendly." ~ To accompli h this, the members DUMSL Wlflle Ball added 57 paranoia inducing features to the ite, includ- player breaks ing a "stalk your Slow Read friends activities homemn reeordl feed," a "ran..<;om Two founta ins com­ fortably perused See~e10 note" feature., it and automatic five mats. alerts to your Macintoshes tele­ ONTHEWEB account when phoned one dog. Dwarves auctioned Saddam W-..an • EdiIor·ilH1Jief your 'significant other becomes off two bourgeOis Klingons, but 1Cnt~n Head Baseball Coach Diamond Jim Brady stands in front of his new acquisitions, the Hummer, the M SC, the lakes, even that t ree friends with behind' him. Everything is his and everything will be bling. umpteen trailers someone other fights cats. Five Web poll results: than you . aardvarks wart hogs • What do you think of "With tbese partly lamely .DiamondJim Brady pimps out DUMSL with $1.5 million new features, bought me. Britney Shears' new you can delete look? all other females By PAUL WALL Quiche Read r(lJUlY· from your boyfriend's friend list and . The People's Timl1p One little known fact about Diamond Jim Brady ls "Baseball games at DUMSL bring in an average he 'U just think they all reje.cted hjs that he is an avid quiche lover and will most likely of 3.7 students. Those other two seats are ueh a friendship," said Mork Schmuckerberg. spend some of his Winnings on quiches. Mmmmm. waste when that space could be used for lakes or founder and CEO of Now that head baseball coach Diamond Jim something pretty," said Erruna Raids, sophomore, M yspacewarmabeebook. Brady is a millionaire after winning his age discrim­ pain in the butt Not only will the:e neW features inationlawsuit against DUTvlSL, what will he spend Brady also wants to pimp out his Honda Civic with While tickets to games will cost allow you to constantly check up on his money on? spinning rims and "King Kong in the trunk." $932.13145165174 for student" and facuity willl a your significant other, but your fonner 'Tm gonna pimp out DUMSL," he said: "Bling. The majority of bis winnings will be spent on valid SID, St. Louis police officers witi not be significant others as well. Bling. Everywhere." changes to campus, though"As his first order ofbusi­ admitted free even if they do have "legitimate" tick­ '1 didn't know how I was going to Brady recently bought the Puniversity with the ness, Brady plans to completely demolish all of the ets. survive when my sweethelf' , Jimrnie. money he won from his settlement (about $1.5 mil­ buildings on South Campus to build a mega-baseball Brady also will spend some of the money on new left me," said Emma-Lou Saah, senior, lion) and plans to renovate the campus. stadium rival to the new Busch Stadiwn and an recruits for the baseball team. . . citizen. "Now I can see wha1 he is doing Besides the obvious things that he v,.iJI ·spend his Wal-Mart Supercenter. and who he is talking to all day and all earnings on, like a Wli. Oprah Winfrey, and 365 fake The DUMSL stadiwn will have a total of six night without him knowing I'm doing it. mustaches (one to wear for every day of the year), seats, which some critics have complained is too See B RA.DY BL!NG. page 12 I get to know he is dOing: ok. "Of course, he dwnped me because I used to follow him around to be UTe of what he was doing every waking and sleeping second of his life.," Saah said. Explosion of campus pregnancies linked to Viagra program "Maybe if these new features bad been added sooner, Jimmie and I would still By DARTH GRANGER sion in campus pregnancies. to such troubles. be together. I hate you, Quickie Statistics show that pregnancy at "Believe me, we ne ver would Myspacewannabeebook, for not think­ Sensationalist DUMSL is up 69 percent (ironic, bave launched the program had we ing of this sooner." Read isn't it?), and could continue to rise. known it would lead to all thi ." Saah caid although she hate" that the Express Scripts, located on the Even more controversial is the Pi"ozac said. "We are truly sorry" features were added after her breakup Express Scripts DUMSL campus, has egg on fInding that the Viagra is only given One DUMSL student who fell from Jimmie, she does still "love" giveaway of free its face after its · new to men 40 years or older, meaning victim to the program, Stvp hY Myspacewannabeebook for adding lhe Viagra to campus facul­ program giving' many of DUMSL's pr.ofessors have Whoresalot, said she is three months features. ty is under investigation ignored a mandate from the pregnant with the child of her statis­ She said she no longer has to creep after a rash of students Bored of Curators meant to tics professor. around Jimmie's bushes at night and the have- b.!:come pregnant, eliminate "amorous" relation­ "He said he is gorum step up and Internet keeps her well beyond the lim­ answerihg the question of ships between students and do the right thing," she said. "'W hich its of u'le restraining order he put on her. whether that reall y is a educators. . is good." Another student, Belle Loney, fre h" banana in your teacher'S· "It's disappointing, really," When asked why he slept Will:! man, wieners, said she also benefited pocket? Bored of Curators member Dave her professor, \,yhoresalot s·aid it was from the new features. out Massingil. said. "I mean, c'mon, a matter of convenience. "I can see that my ex-boyfriend is This is a banana. Eat the free Viagra we 're the [mal authqrity, right? 'The way I looked at it w· , T now dating a fat chick, 1 feel so milch banana. love the banana. Use bas backfired in a major way. People should listen to us, dammit!" could either study or whip of a quick­ better about how ugiy I am because at the banana. Play with the An investigation undertaken by Express Scripts spokeswoman ie," she said. least f m not fat," she said. banana. Careful, the peel DUMSL has revealed that the pro­ Allegra Prozac said Express Scripts makes things slippery. gram is directly linked to an explo- had no idea the program would lead See VIAGRA, page 16 ee MVSPACE, page 3 Page ToadIes CAMPY MOHELA 'DEAL OR NO DEAL The DUMSL Student Newspaper Since 2007 CRIMELINE STAPH Saddam Wiseman. Editor-in-Beef SUNDAY, MARCH 18 Seamus MeDino • Wtseijil.af)'s bjt(h Elrond the Elf • Lord of th.e Jing STOLEN RiVERPUP - MARK JWAIN GYM Bob Dorkin • ~sh ·ier The Riverman and Riverwornan report­ Booti Linville • Why .am I Here? edly lost their loving puppY ' dog, the Riverpup. The pup was stolen while they were strolling along by the riverside late Lucy Lee • Delete Button Sunday afternoon, This incident has left Navel Lint. Ass. Delete Button them stricken with grief because after losing Paul Wall • The People's Tramp their beloved Rivercat, Riverhamster, Darth Granger. Sensationalist Riverparakeet and Rivergoldfish years ago, Conan O'Brien • Ass. Sensationalist their doggie was the only companion the Gamie Rectum. IProctojogist two Riverpeople had left in their lives, Movie Heckler • T&A Editor except each other. The Riverpup is taD, gray Blown Fusz • ,Bench Warmer and he smells like urine, he also is known to MCNelly. Flashy DJesser dress like a bell-hop for reasons unknown to Fat Johnson. Papa Paparaui any living person. If you have seen the Carrie Fisher • Paparaui Princess Riverpup, please alert DUMSL cops imme­ Doodie • Computer Geek diately. Seabiseuit • Confused ' Trouty McPants , Scribbler PROPERTY DAMAGE - 388 MSC Shakeia Sparkle. Hair Stylist Ima Quitter • Paper boy After reading a copy of The ' Current in The Current's office, I looked down at my shirt: and realized ink print had rubbed off on Who the hell are these people? my hands and I must have wiped some on Stephanie Tanner, Mol~ Hatchet, Jack McDaniels, Carnac the Magnificient, R. my shirt. I tlllnk I spent like $4.62 on this Came FISher • Papamzzi Princess shirt: at Target becalise it was on sale. I want Kanye Yammers, Andrew the Giant, Thom a new shilt, dammit! Governor Matt Blunt, Host of MOHELA's 'Deal or No Deal,' asks DUMSL's' Chancellor the important question "Deal or Thurnb, Emily Ogre, Siolixie Sioux, Jim E. No Deal Tom?". Henson, Naked Ape MONDAY, MARCH 19 Creepy Photographers ATTEMPnD CHILD EATING - CREEPY OLD Santa Clouse, Cypress Hill, Jessica Rabbit LADrs GINGERBREAD COTTAGE "What's Stagnant" is a free service for nobody, pay us A trail of candy wa", found heading from or we don't care what your event is . Deadline for sub­ --DON'T CONTACT US-- the Poo-Mart on South Campus to the cot­ missions is 5 p,m. three days ago. Space consideration is tage. The trail went over the hills and given to student organizations on a first-pay, first­ Got a tip for a story or photo opportunity? through the woods to the small cottage served basis. We suggest you send bribes, cash and free Have a correction to report? Do you have a made of gingerbread in the middle of the i-Pods to us at least one week prior to the event. questioll" or comment for our staff? DUMSL forest of fun . There DUMSL cops Your geekly calendar of stupid campus crap ' All of these events are not actually happening. You know where you can shove it. found two fat candy-munching tots about to be thrown into a pot and boiled by a scary­ looking old lady for dinner. MONDAY, APRIL 2 Snooze room unlisted "If you ask me that lady wasn't looking Advertising give us $$$ first out for her own health much, those little fat kids sure were plump little piglets," said Business mind your own MondayM oon Series , ~ Officer Humpty McMother-Goose. 'There Employment "'Ie don't want you is no way eating them could have been good Adam D. Wi 'eman, editor-in-cbief of The for her or anyone." Current, will be dropping his trousers and Fax go fax yourself flashing hi butt cheeks at 12: 15 p.m. in _29 SUNDAY, MARCH 20 lC. Panty Conference Center. Refreshments will be served at this free event. Call your Dig Email I [email protected] BAD oumr -MSC BA11fROOM sister for more infonnatron. Mail I 388 Millennium Stupid A female student was discovered in first Center floor women's restroom in the MSC wear­ Flooding at Soak Hall One University Blvd. ing khaki-colored capri pants, a red and pur­ 5t. Louis. Missouri 63121 ple striped sweater with a bright green tank­ event is not oft)ci~ but it aJlcloe4¥-_..L _ _ WO RSf WEBSm , __ top over the sweater. The student was / This i- \.WeI\( to occnr t ooe day 0 - EVER " ~ allegedly sporting a blue feather boa anT aG' . l large orange earrings shaped like dolphifis. • Rfside~~ chose t plan for i to hajJp8ll1 I· (i today. FRlodifig at Soak "Hall may not ocew: at • DUMSL's special crime division, the all this but it probably will . of Fashion Police, did not even need to be week, I.nst ~d being upset that your belongings \'lill all be called to the scene of the crime, they arrived ruined, be thankful that every room in your without notification morneqts after the stu­ File Pix;(o http://www.thecurrentonline.com dorm hall has waterfall~ and indoor jacuzzi . dent walked into the restroom, Free pony rides will be available Thursday, April 5th, for all students who own How many other CDllege students ~ say 'The fact is her outfit was so loud, we their own ponies. The event will take place whenever the students owning that? - illTIRS TO THE EDITOR - could hear the call of a fashion faux pas ponies feel like riding their ponies. Click here for more infonnation or a list of without an actual call to our office," Sgt. local retail outlets known for low umbrella Sandra Stilletto said. Letters to the editor are a waste of your prices and discount diving equipment. Another student involved in the incident, Boring lecture Free Pony Rides time and ours. We do not care what you a fashion victim, told police the outift did have to say. We do not make mistakes, not make her eyes feel good TIJESDAY, APRIl"3 Sa"me old dude or old lady is going to talk Free pony rides will be available today and if you have something to' disagree "Oww, my fucking eyes hurt from look­ about something or another that nobody cares for all students who own their ownporiies. with us about, you are wrong. All ,letters must be burned, shredded or tossed in the ing at her, OWW, OWW, OWWW!!I" the stu­ about at 3: 16.p.m. today in Room 1359 S.T.D. The event will take place whenever the stu- dent said. "It burns, it really, really bums!" The lecture will be boring, sleep-inducing and • dents owning ponies feel like riding their trash. Students must include their bank Basic Conversationat English unpleasant to sit through. Some of you may be ponies. The event will end when those stu­ account ~d creditcard numbers. Faculty . MONDAY, MARCH 21 attending because your teacher bribed you to dents have decided they are done riding their . and staff must include their bank account go with extra credit points. ponies. No ponies will be ' on campus or and credit card numbers, too, Our glorious Basic Conversational English I will be NINJA RGHT - CALlERY·420 The rest of you will be undoubtedly attend­ associated with campus "this day or any day. Editor·in·chief reserves the right to reply to held from 2 p.m. until 9:30 p.m. in Room 718 ing for the free food provided by FartSmells. letters, but he ~ill not because he is lazy.' Oops, this was not actually criminal in Dork Hall. If you can read this you proba­ bly do not need to attent this event. However, acti vity, this wa~ a sceduled event in the Pizza Day in the Nosh-ious --- READ THIS!!! --- gallery. . if you are struggling to read this, you might Gender Awareness Day need to attend. If you cannot read this , it Today will be pizza day in the Nosh-ious, The Stagnant is the annual parody issue TUESDAY, MARCH 22 would probably be a good idea to attend this Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina, event, not that you will adhere to that advice what? You're not excited, you used to light pf The CulTEflt. The stories and photo­ just be aware of that today. up with glee in elemantary school when graphs in ttlis issue are not real, and TORTURE - TltE if you cannot read it. . should not be taken seriously. . NOSH-IOUS someone annoOlmced it was pizza day. What Advertisements in this issue are real unless A male student ate ' a sandwich in The happened to your youth? Sheesh! otherwise specified. ,Advertising rates are . Nosh-ious Wednesday around noon. Win a date with Maximo Internship Fair available upon request; terms, conditions. and restrictions apply. "It was the worst thing I had ever put in Il) An intemship fair will be held from 8 'a.m. FRIDAY, APRIL 6 The Current, financed in part by student my mouth," the student" said. "I felt like I If you have ever watcheo an episode of activities fees, is not an official publication was being tortured, but I couldn't not eat it, The Bachelor, Flavor of Love or I love New to 3 p.m. in the Mark Twain Building. Admission is free if you pre-register and it is of UM-St. Louis. paying for it took the last $35 I had in my York, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Seventy­ ,$4,7 million at the door. See if you carr get an Fundraiser for Money The University is not responsible for the pocket." . ,. eight DUMSL students will be fighting, kick­ content of The Current and/or its policies. internship for this.summer where you can learn 'The cheese on it wasn't so bad," he·said. boxing and biting their way through a compe­ Commentary and columns reflect the useful job skills such as making a good pot of tition to win a date with Maximo. The Stagnant staff members need your opinion of the individual author. coffee, picking up your . bosses dry-cleaning The competition will take place from 9 help. Actually, we just need your money. An Unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of WEDN ESDAY, MARCH 23- and keeping track of everyone's lunch orders. the majority of the Editorial Board . a.m. until 11:15 p.m. or until Maximo open house will be held all day in our office Check out the Web site www.willbeyourwork­ Advertisements do not necessarily reflect SUNDAY, APRIL 1 becomes bored, and it will be held in the. all day. starting at noon because we do not bitchforlittleomopaythissummer.kom for more the opinion of The Current its staffmem­ Nosh-iou$ get up td campus any earlier than that, we . information. bers or the University. NOTltING . ENTIRE CAMPUS, HONEST, WE'RE The winning contestant will provide din­ need our beauty sleep. All materials contained in each printed NOT. MAKING THIS UP ner and a night of unforgettable romance for No free food or drinks will be"provided at and online issue are prop€rty of The Maxinio at his or her own expense. this event because that would defeat the pur­ Current and may not be reprinted, reused There were absolutely no crimes or crim­ E.CoHAw areness Feast pose of us holding this event to get you to or reproduced without the prior, expressed inalesque behaviors reported anywhere on give us all of your money. We do not need and written consent of The Current. This includes the content of The Stagnant. campus during this time. Usually there are Today at 8:30 p.m in the Nosh-ious hearty, new equipment and we will not be donating Poetry Reading The Stagnant does not inteOO to seriously crimes and other things of concern happen­ healthy serving of spinach will be piled high this money to any charitable organization. offend any individual or group. ing on campus, but none occurred during on plates and platters for only $6. The money The fact is ~.. we's gats bills to pay and we . The first copy is free; all subsequent ' this quite lengthy period of time. DUMSL Come listen to some whiney pansies recite will help spread the awareneSS of E. Coli and want to pay them with your money_ copies are 25 cents and are available at the copcifers swear it on their mommas' graves. their lidiculously awful poems. The event is its symptoms to you because Y01:1 will likely offices of The Current. free and open to the public because nobody get sick from it after eating all of that spinach. Why are you still reading this? Although this is not a real crimeline arul would pay to listen to amatuer poets read their The Nosh-ious is not responsible "for your SAllJRDAY;APRll 7 should not be taken seriously, remember poor quality work. It is like karaoke, but Witll­ re;ctions to E." Coli, nor can it gua"rentee yoUr . ~- GIVE US YOUR $$$ ._ - ' that crime prevention is a community ejJOl1, out the beer. spinach be contaiminated with it. So, you may All UM-St. Louis students, alumni, fac­ and anyone having infonnation concerning not learn anything about E. Coli, but that is a Global WCJl11Jing Weekend Ulty and staff are entitled to free classi­ actual campus incidents should contact the lisk you should be willing to take for this fied advertisements of 40 words or less. campus police at 516-5155. WEDNESDAY, APRI.L4 l).ands-on knowledge experience. Today will be the first day of a tWo-day The CUlTent also offers display adver­ Also remember {hat laughter is nat a bonfire extravaganza aD campus. DOMsL tisements at a rate of $8.75 per column crime, unless like this, it is notfimny. inch for off campus advertisers and Film for Women's History will be starting an annual event to help cre­ $7 .75 for on campus organizations and llIURSDAY, APRIL 5 ate awareness for global warming. departments. To receive an advertising Even though last month was Women's . StUdents will be driven individually in rate card, contact our advertising or History Month, the Students Learning Hummer H2 Limosines from their houses to business staff or download a rate card CORRECTIONS Universal Topics in Languages, ObscW"e Stomach Punip run-day! campus. B·reakfast, lunch and dinner will be at www.thecurrentonline.comladrates. Variables and Existing Resistance Systems I' served on styrofoam plates ' that will be In each and every issue of The will be holding an event in honor of women Unhealthy Services will be ,providing a strewn about campus during the festivities. AFRUAll0NS Stagnant, there are no .corrections that of the world, college women in particular, . stomach pumping service for everyone who At night, the student organization, the Seal i, need to be made. The wonderful peo­ with the showing of a film. attended yesterday's E. Coli Awareness Feast. Clubbers, will ignite the bonfire and every­ ple who work here are perfect in every Girls Gone Wild 65: Good girls gone bad The servce will 'only cost $350 and will be one will eat s'mores. way possible. If you are so stupid that while hitting the books, will be playing in mildly uncomfortable to say the least. No studln . ;r,;:. nnt rPncnnl;!lhlp_ for hllrnt CTI1r1~"fC' April 2,2007 1rhc ~tagnant Page \X~1eee!!!!!!!!!

RIYERPIMP, from page 1

Those aD campus have mixed materials, including posters, buttons . Smith, freshman, men in black stud­ feelings about the choices. Billy and sky writing. ies, said the Riverpimp is a part of Costar, senior, conservatism, said he Orinthal James (0. 1.) Montane, DUMSL heritage and 'should remain thought the whole thing was' "retard- vice provost for student extramarital the same. • eel." affairs, said the time had come for a "Look at what the NCAA did to "Seriously, this is a waste of new identity. Illinois," Smith said. "They took time," Costar said. "What the hell do ·"The old name was outdated and away Chief llliniweeaauuyakak, or I care?" boring," Montane said. "I was happy whatever his name was. Do we want Braxton quickly responded, "See to tum over my procurement card for that at DUMSL?" there! Another vote for that name. I this. ~dI absolutely think everyone That is a question students will be tell yah, it's SO gonna win!" . working on this needed new forced to answer, at gunpoint, ne)':1: On top of the $1.2 million spent Blackberries, iPods, cell phones and week when voting begins. on the consulting fum, the office of Nintenqo Wiis to aid in the process." "Oh, everyone will vote," Braxton student half-life has spent tens of One student disagreed with said, checking the loads on his Colt thousands of dollars on promotional Montane's assessment, however. Jim .45. "We'll make sure of that."

OUHSL's: NEW SHUTTLE ROUTE:

santa Clouse • Creepy Pootograpber Confused anti-abortion protestors stand out side Benaton-Stedman Hall at DUMSL last week. They did not understand 1hat DUMSL was not giving abortions, rather, doing stem cell research. Counter protestors look on in disgust. Gorge: At least I did · not put in a strip club

By DARTH GRANGER "It's controversial, no doubt," "One day, we'll learn to stop -----~----~.--- Gorge said. "However, since when playing God," McRighteous said. "It Sensationalisf . were we bossed around by outside. is His will that these people suffer With the news that Missouri Gov. influences ... othe~ than donors?" horrible, debilitating diseases. Man Fatty Blunt has reinstated funding Gov. Blunt is in favor of the new has no right to cure diseases like this. . for building projects at DUMSL, degree program. He has locked' I mean, look what happened after Chancellor Tommy Gorge has said horns repeatedly with several anti­ man cured polio. The iron lung busi­ construction will begin immediately stem cell research groups such as ness went into the crapper." on renovations to Benaton-Stedman . MiSSOUl1 Bossy Bastards. Gorge is taking a proactive stance Hall. "It's about time· someone stood against the attacks from pro-life "I am pleased to announce reno­ up to those bastards," Blunt said, groups. In point of fact, he can hard­ vations will begin next week," while eating a bag of Doritios. "All ly believe the debate is ongoing. Gorge said. "However, rather than the 'time they. are moralizing and "Umrn ... seems to me the people just revamp the science labs, we 'fill pontificating and proselytizing. Like . of this state gave the ok for stem cell be creating a new degree program those words? I got 'word-a-day' toi­ research in November, unless I am and housing it in that building." let paper!" mistaken. Nope, they voted to pro­ The new degree program Gorge MBB President Moral tect it," Gorge said. "So, what the alluded to is a bachelor of science in McRighteous, said her -organization hell? Some people are just sore los­ stem cell research, specifically already is mobilizing to stop the ers, I guess." embryonic stem cell research. "threat to those dying of horrible dis­ The controversial plan flies in the eases that this research may some­ face of those who have been outspo­ day cure." She also wants everyone ken against the research. to know she is better than you. Si!e lN YOUR FACE, page 16

MYSPACE, from page 1 ------The benefits of "She was such a creepy stalker said. Myspacewannabee-book's new fea­ and she thought my name was "Why would anybody collect tures do not just cater to the average ~pelled with an 'i' and an 'e' what those creepy lawn decorations; any­ scorned w man, men benefit II an idiot." way'." he asked. well. John said the ransom note feature SchmuckeIbeIg said after further "I can use the new featlll'es to is his favorite and it comes in handy consideration of the features by him­ make sure I'm not going to attend for him often. self and all members of the any events at DU1vlSL that my crazy "r can send untraceable threats to Myspacewannabeebook tearn, "this fonner girlfriend Enmla will be at," Emma telling her if she comes near was our worst idea ever." said Jimmy John, sophomore. histo­ me again, she is never going to see ''Where do these people come ry of the art of sandwich making. her lawn gnome collection, ever," he from?" Hughes said. The new shuttle route is shown above. This marks 19 times the shuttle route has been changed just this year. 'The Department of No·Parking and Lack of Transportation also has hired a new shuttle driver. Billy from the legendarily unfunny 'newspaper comic, "The Family Circus," has taken over the reigns of getting students to and from class. Said Billy, "I'm getting there as fast as I can." Complaints abOut the new routes can be sent to the guy in charge of the routes, Leonardo Research Stud i ~s for Adults with Amblyopia Turtlepower, where he will promptly have you expelled for pissing him off. That is all.

You are invited to participate in research studies conducted at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, College of Optometry and Washington University School of Medicine.

In studies at U ~/f SL (450 Marillac Hall) you will be asked to look at patterns on a computer screen and make perceptual judgments. Stu:dy sessions last 1-2 hours and 10-20 hours are needed to complete the study. You will be paid $12.00 per hour of participation.

In studies at WU (Neuro-tmaging Center) you will be asked to look at patterns on a computer screen during a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) brain scan. Study sessions last 2 hours and 6-8 hours are needed to complete thesludy. You will be paid $25 .00 per hour of participation,

If you are age 18--60, have amblyopia ("lazy eye") and are interested In participating in either research study please contact: . . Dr. Erwin Wong (Principal Investigator) at 314-516-6516 or won,[email protected]

~ Colle'!le of Washington 2 ~ . tometryr University in St.Louis .vc'tlr.' SCHOOL OF MEDICINE STUDENT I STAFF VOLLEYBAll GAME FRIDAY, APRil 6,200114:00 •6:00 PM ,. I MARl TWAIN I FREE I-S IRTS AND FREE FOOD

Reason # 14.to read The SII U TO PLAY,'TO SIB UP, CONTACT STUDENT AFfAIRS @

STUDENT. - [email protected] WITH SUBJECT: STUDENT/STAFF SHOWDOWN Stal1.1ant ••• SIGN UP AT THE FRONT DESKIN THE OFFICEOF STUDENT LIFE, 366 MSC You lau until you wet your

Time for a song! pants! Once, there was a fuzzy bunny. I saw... the fuzzy bunny, and I killed it. Oh, fuzzy bunny, oh fuzzy bunny. I killed you and ate you and you tasted like chicken. Oh fuzzy? chiken tasting bunny_ Page Fore I Watch out for that golf ball. . April 2, 2007

OUR IDEAS STAFF POOP__ -'--_--'--- __- __ .The Scoop on the Rive.,poop

What has the world Last season, new come to when every tests were set up to .· aspect of sports has determine if a mascot OCen tainted by. some i:s using mvm form of perforrnanc~ (Happy Mascot enhancing drugs? iHonnone). Some of I kilow that it may :the supposed positive be hard to believe, but side effects of HMH even our own loveable are increased fan IDascot the Riverpoop approval, greate!" half- . has OCen reported tak­ time performances ing banned perfonn­ and late game rallies ance enhancing sup­ for the home team. plements. Fro.do The negative side . ~ "I just wanted to be at the top of my effects of HMH have yet to be deter- 'game," saip the Riverpoop. "All of the mined, but the surgeon general has other team's mascots are bigger and reported that they are bad, very bad. stronger. I thought I could impress more , "I do not know the negative side fans by taking a couple of pills, a few effects of HMH," said the Surgeon steroid protein shakes and that stuff that General. "I just know that they are bad, they think Barry Bonds is taking. I very bad." never meant to hurt anyone." Not only do we have to be careful The Riverpoop has been suspended which athletes children choose formle from games and birthday parties until models, but we also have to watch out the lab work comes back with the for mascots as well. results. An oversized robotic' pilot Several local high schools have wheel with a thirst for blood will take reported an increase in fan support even his place for the remainder of the sea­ though they teams were not even play­ son. So far this season, seven mascots ing. Could HGH have made their way have been suspended for using banned into our high schools? If so, what will substances. this mean for the future of half time 'The com~tition level for mascots entertainment? is unbelievable," said Truman the Liger. I used to look up to these guys, but "Some mascots feel the need to cheat to what is the poi:nt? They say they do it for get more fans to like them, but I feel like the fans, but in reality, fans do not go to . if you are naturally talented, you will games to see mascots, they go to see the succeed." team. Most mascots know their roles, I do not know what to think about and shut theu' mouths, but there are a mascots anymore. These guys are sup­ few who really want to stand out. posed to be there entertaining the fans, . The Riverpoop was one of the mas­ but instead they are out there disgracing .cots who wanted to stand out. The prob­ the great art of bei:ng a mascot. I know lem was he went about it the wrong The Current is horrible! that it cannot be easy getting into that way. All he can do now is sit in the suit every night and working harder stands with the rest of us and watch an than everyone els'e at the game, but this ulanirnate object cheer our teams on to Hav you read The Current. It's Life event. That bastard, Adam halls is bad. What about the good is just not acceptable. victory. that other newspaper on campu . We iseman , seems to alway be writ­ things the fl oods did? For instance, read it every week, and we galla tell ing editorial about hO\ inelfectiv there were some killer sl ip 'n' slide WEIRD ADVICE COLUMN 11IAT MAKES lITIlE TO 0 SENSE ya' , it su ks. our SG presid nt is. What an abS. partie_ tho e nights. Plus, there is . . SPHINCTER BOARD Why does it suck, you may ask Bad news i The Current' mOdus nothing like a good residence hall Saddam Wisema n yourself. Go ahead and ask yourself. operandi. Not too long g . The floodi:ng wet t-shirt contest. Seamus McDina we'll wait. Good. ow, we will urrent publi shed a tory. written b So The Current like to report the Ask a Ninja ·Robot Pirate McNelly explain. Ja on Gran er. about the office f ·'news." They like to keep people Paul Wall For 'ome odd rea on, The Current Student Half-Life"' '"abu'e" of pro­ informed. Well, color us crazy, but DearNRPZM, tered a gian.t squid­ Lucy Lee feels the need to grint actual "new ." curement and new OleaslJ.(e in we believe in the old adage, igno­ I think my boyfriend chi ckel1-lno os e­ Darth Granger What the hell? They are all about place to antrol pro-card u e. rance i.~ bliss. We don't wan to know is cheating on me, but panda-thing? Gamie Rectum "informatio n" and . fact" and Evidently, The Current thinks it's about problems on this campus. Hell, my former KGB con­ NPRZMsays: Lagoon Fire "exposing waste." The are uch bad to ' spend alma t $6,000 at B 5t if the campus administration does not nections have yet to The tango. Crazy Movie Chick Debbie Downers. Buy on prOO uc • that cannot be iden­ know or care, why the' hell should provide any useful evi­ Conan O'Brien Take for instance, their apparent tified. So what') So what if people in we . dence. Can you help DearNPRZM, that office get to go home with a Bear in mind we are not advocat­ me? Don't you care "Our Opinion " reflects crusade against Nick !--achegie, the SGA president. This guy has done intendo Wii or Playslation 30 ing \'iolence against the people . NPRZM says: about disgracing the majority ofour named above (or any other Current Au, bring me ,some both your ni:oja and sphincters combined nothing but help ~he students of 1110se folk work hard. !hey need a DUMSL. Seriously, we need resolu­ stress reliever. .Granger and staffer you bump into .. . but if we brains. Some banana­ robot origins by tiOhS saying hello to Chancellor Wiseman, they suck. We hate them. don't know . ... ), we are just pointing flavored brains. And writing an advice WE DON1 WANT TO Tommy Gorge. Another good . ex ampl~ of The out discrepancies and problems with don't worry about your column for This is a guy who works his tail Current's suckine s is their "cover­ that newspaper. boyfriend. 1've already humans? Ninja Advisor HEAR FROM YOU off playing Wiffie Ball for you, and age" of the floods at a celtain resi­ So, to the members of The assassinated him and NPRZM says: As a forum for public The ClllTent is always harping on dential hall on campus. Melissa Current, cut it out, ",ill ya'? No more turned his carcass into biodesel fuel. That depends on how much brains­ expression on campus, him. We all knO\~ the most pressing Hayden is the culprit of these stories. bad news. From now on, just write Pathetic flesh bag. and-banana-flavored rum I've had. The 'Currentwelcomes need that faced DUMSL when he Apparently Hayden and The Current stories about fuzzy bunnies or happy letters to the editor and took office was a lack of a Relay for staff believes flooding in residence party times in the SGA guest commentaries DearNRPZM, from students, faculty, Do you ever have· a solution to a DearNPRZM, staff members and oth­ problem that doesn't involve assassina­ OH DEAR GOD HELP ME I'M , ers concerned with tion,' rum, brains, bananas or oil in ON FIRE ARRGH WHY DOES IT issues relevant to the some way? HURT SO MUCH ARRGH I'M University of Missouri­ NPRZM says: BURNlNG BURNING OH WHAT A St. Louis. X = FALSE; WORLD WHAT A WORLD ...

. Dear NPRZM, NPRZM says: Letters to the editor • Nothin' What would you do if you encoun- Oops, sorry, but of time. should be brief, and those not exceeding How do you feel about • The Starship Enterprise 1701 C EVEN WEIRDER ADVICE COLUMN 200 words will be given preference. We edit let­ • Diary by Nick ters for clarity and . .the topics we've covered? Ask aSmaller Ninja Robot Pirate That Lies length, not for dialect, • The Current sucking correctness, intent or Dear Half Pint, Dear UMSL-GUY grammar. All letters • Ninjastic advice I have been wanting to Stop-it! You do not must include a dayti'me date this girl, and I don't like her. You are like a lit­ . phone number Students • Submit money to us know how to ask her out. I tle baby. "I wanna girl­ must include their stu­ You can make your voice have liked her for a while friend", you are a bitch. dent ID numbers. • Give us gifts like PS3's and I want her to like me! Ninjas do not need girls, Faculty and staff must What should I do? all they need is knives and include their title(s) and heard in a variety of ways! • Make us laugh at you UMSL-GUY . 5nu:J1/e-r Ninja Advisor tight black clothing. department(s). Editor-in­ chief reserves the right to respond to letters. The Current reserves the right to deny letters. UNDERSTAGNANT . Guest commentaries qre typically longer (genera l­ By Carrie Fasiska .. Associate Photo Editor ly 400-600 words) on a specific topic of interest to readers. If you are interested in writing a guest commentary, What would you buy with please contact The a Pro-Card? . Currents editor-in-chief. " Seamus MeDino Pa.ul Wall Dar'th Granger Carrie Fisher Saddam Wiseman Sopbomore P,eschool Master 4th Year Sel1ior Almost There LEAVE US ALONE . Paleontology Pornography Dark Side Studies . Marine Biolo~y WMD's "$5653 worth of goodies Mail: " What do you think? Send your own response . ··Beef Jerky, and lots 'Whips, Chains and Uquid • Lungs " "A date with Nick at Best Buy in May of 'OS. One University Blvd to thecurrent@ums/.edu. The person who submits of it." Latex· Lachegie. • Room 388 MSC Oh wait. thats what I the best response each wee~ wins a free T-shirt. st. Louis, MO 63121 already bought. Email: MmmlCayl" [email protected] April 2, 2007 1[he ~tagnant Page High Five

SCIENCE TALKING HEAD . STAFF VIEWPOINT . . Climate change ·skeptics suggest conspiracy Why America really sucks Source for 'fake' global warming: Leprechauns with space heaters (those sneaky in1ps) Amelica sucks. stock their Climate creationist Clive Cranky, a out of a job if glob- after it captured one and create more green spaces. Everything in . this shelves with faith-based scientist, announced al warming were of the leprechauns "Leprechauns are known tree-hug­ country is going daishi so they '" recently that his faith-science think revealed to be a . with his portable gers," wamed Cranky. downhill these days, can make ro om tank group, The Center to Promote fake, so they have to heater. Climate creationists knew there I'm telling you. for 40 varieties Faith-Based Science, had uncovered create a Crisis. It is "We managed . to had· to be another explanation for ris­ Now, I'm not talk­ of potato chips, the real source of global warming. an uncalled-for . trap one and tortured ing temperatures and climate change ing about stuff like an Oh right, and ~'Evil science-based scientists keep attack on innocent, the truth out of the besides human activity. ongoing war or home- there are only present facts to trick everyone into defenseless oil nasty little imp," "It certainly can't be those so­ land security or what 40 varieties. believing global warming IS real," companies, who are Cranky said. called greenhouse gases. Everyone flavor of religion the What? Like Cranky said. "But we have uncovered only working for "Unfortunately, the can see we aren't in a greenhouse," president practices. can't we the truth: a vast conspiracy of lep- . the public good." slippery devil escaped Cranky said. "Besides, there aren't all I'm talking bona fide By GAMIE RECTUM Am e ric a n s rechauns. with space heaters, doing Cranky present- before we could get that many people on the Earth. And hu ge problems with ._-- .__ .. _. __ .... _...... _.... _. _-- have a nice the btdding of those scientists." ed a chart with his more information. look at all those trees. Something was this country. Proctologist spread of By CONCERNED Cranky and his fellow climate cre­ evidence at a news TREE-PLANTER And took his portable just not right." . Take for example our emergency dietary choices to aid our waistlines ationists are among the skeptics of conference. A glob- . space heater with The climate creationist dismissed services: police, fire and ambulance. in expanding? Next you'll tell me global warming who assert that it is a. al army of .lep- Mad Scientist him." objections by climate scientists, that . What? They can't get here immedi- you expect me to be eating rice hoed presented by desperate scientists rechauns, armed with portable According to Cranky, scientists they could not possible be conspiring ately the very second I want them? gruel. looking for jobs. heaters, have been blowing hot air had helped the leprechauns by provid­ with leprechauns because leprechauns What is this? Some backward third And let's think about the econo- "Global warming is nonsense. You into thermometers, sampling devices, ing batteries for the heaters, trans­ are ,imaginary creatures, world country ? What does a person my for a while. It blows. can't rely on scientific evidence for and even into individuals' faces when pOltation around the world from their 'They only say that because there have to do to get a little service I've gotajob and have to work. I these things. You have to consider they step out the door. native Ireland, and help in finding all is no scieI,1tific proof of the existence around here for their tax dollars, you mean sheesh, can't we have a little what the oil companies say too," '''There are so many of them, that . the thermostats around the world, of leprechauns. They are so narrow in know? more unemployment, you know, like l , Crallky said. "Who knows more they can fool nearly everyone," Leprechauns were transported around what they will believe. We know bet­ Let's not forget the grocery during the Great Depression? about the weather than oil COlJlpanies? . Cranky said. "Since leprechauns can. the world in . boxes . of "Lucky ter," he said. "They believe in global stores. Dierbergs doesn't carry Because I want to sit on my bum all And besides, why would they lieT become invisible at will, no one ever Charmers" breakfast cereal to avoid warming yet they won't believe in daishi. I mean, just how wrong is day snacking on chocolate covered Cranky said that the climate scien­ sees them." detection. leprechauns. It is amazing." . that? They have wasabi, l:iut not espresso beans and watching tists were trYing to fool people about Cranky's group uncovered the true Leprechauns are thought to gain ' daishi? , YouTube. global warming to drum up funding, source of warmer temperatures that from this scheme because it would I'm going to starve fo death ." "Scientists everywhere would be have been detected around the world encourage people to plant more ' trees See IMPS, page 16 because the grocery si ore~ just can't See SUCKS, page 13 STOLEN COMMENTARY LEITERS TO THE BEEF . The Current sucks the top front page (it was awesome). read? SPECIM: Nick Lachegie's DiaryExcerpts And by the way, who was the arro­ Now I don't mind reading about I was wondering what happened gant jerk that took it away Bring back campus events, but could you please SGA President, Nick Lachegie, has continued to delight us with motivating speeches, extremely interesting meetings, to my paper. You guys have been the blue democra't feeling to the Saddam Wiseman hold the stories and wonderful fund raising. But, Now, The StaglUmf and its readers get a first hand account of Lachegie's life through his reporting a bunch of stuff about paper. All I see now is a bunch of about other university papers getting writings. These entries in his Diary were selected by The Stagnant. . hunger awareness and homelessness strong republican red bars at the top their funding cut. Just because you and some other poli tical crap that no of the page. And instead of the brue are interested in newspaper funding one wants to read-or even really has circle-thingywe now have some does not mean the majOlity of us at time to care about. giant atrium at the top called The DUMSL really gives a hoot-n-nanny. ~1 if --. . 6 ,0 ru II: the pasL The Sttlgl1c1n1 was MilleIlIlium Stupid Center. What It is like Norm Peterson said in A&E stOlie~ .lbout hot concerts, fea­ about the other buildings on campus ? . Cheers,."It's a doggy-dog-world and I - !h~ t y . l) ,:'_~ • 1 tures about hot volleyball players and , Do YOll think it is fair of Mr. am wearing milk bone underwear." news stories like when they rraded in Editor-in-Beef Saddam Wiseman to So in conclusion, bling back the {)Ay~J- TWtt9t~t~" { , parking gara.ges for those beautiful exclude the other buildings on cam­ blue, the volleyball hits and the circle­ . j;. !/("'1 we . . - ~ ponds and statue (by the way, why pus? thingy. Leave out the depressing stuff. did they not put an area in between I know you can do , it Saddam " \Il) e.~ VQt~ --Po.' }/IE. ~ That is what a republican dictator the . ponds where people can sit and would do, Saddam \Viseman. Are you Wiseman. Now let us see it. enj oy watChing water shoot into the a republican dictator? Do you take f>A t - · T5~ ~ air and geese frolicking). What ever pleasure in pushing out the blue and happened to the good old days? I letting in. the red ? Does it make y0ur Jesse Dingleberry V0Hl 1>'11 t. go they exiled it with the old blue beart palpi tate Into exquisite delight Senior Citizen -~ ". woosh" that was once fearured on knowing that you control what we Democratology

'!II D.p.,! .- .

Take control of your life. Take control of SATURDAY, MAY 12 your sexual health. MARK TWAIN BUILDING 10A.M. - College 01Nursing · UMSlM'U Joint Undergraduate Engineering Prog,am · College of Fine Arts &Comm unica tion - School of Social Work · 8acl1eJor 01 General Studies Bachelor of Interd isciplinary Sudi es · UM·Rolla Engineering Educa tion Center · Master's in Gerontology · Master's in Public Policy Administration

2PM. . College of Arts and Scierces .

6P.M . . College oj Oplomelrj Planning (BLAi'\)CHE M. TOUHILL PERfORMING ART: CE":.lTERl SUNDAY, 1viAY 13 is Power. MARK ThAIN BUILDING

2 P.M. . College 01 Educalion '

6 PM. . College of Bu siness Administration Page = 2 x 5 -4 April 2, 2007 New JK clothing line leaves you high and dry Johann Klein swimwear, rain gear makes debut at annual Soak Hall fashion show

Joh

Tired of wearing the same old thing everyday? Is finding something new and fresh t6 wear in your closet re'ally a beach? Need a wardrobe that offers something different, something that's a little more wet and wild? From the creative minds that brought you the original Johann KleinCollection, Van Helsing, IPOD and Chimps comes the next big trend in fashion history. These designs are shore to be your favorites for this and e'very other season of the year. They can be worn separate, but have been specifically color-coordinated to go together swimmingly. You will niagra fall in love with this collection. Between love and madness lies obsession. Nothing comes between me and my Johanns except when sand gets trapped in my bottoms. Women's Swimwear ..

This stylish and skimpy two-piece bikini lets you show it all off. When paired with fab'ulous fancy flip-flops, it's quite the lovely package. You'll have to provide your own flotation devices to fill this swimsuit .... TOP 10 out, but you'll remain afloat on the fashion scene. Don't Men's make a fashion faux Creatures pas and drown in Swimwear last year's styles. You won't have to Speedos are out and hold your breath for swim trunks .. in on Campus long before you get this spring at Soak noticed in this little Hall. These boogie number. And the board shorts are price wQn't hang great for the surfer you out to dry or look and won't fall soak up your cash down in thosegnarty flow. This bikini also waves during a sprin­ allows you to strap kler maHunction. If on your tool belt to you order in the next carry your wrench 30 minutes, JK will with you while at throw in a free pair of the beach.or Soak matching water Hall. Rain Gear .. wings_ 1. Ants, they're even in It won't just be my pants. raining cats and dogs if you 2. Geese, that explains wear this outfit. the green poop on your It will be rain­ car. ing men and women in Soak 3. Facebook stalkers, Hall, so be pre­ pared .with this there is at least one in ~ Accessories amusing little every class. Don't forget handy obnoxious yel­ low raincoat. accessories like this You'll be drip­ 4. Mice, they mainly adjustable wrench pining with . stick to the Nosh-ious, complete any outfit in .... ,.' but they can be found the JK clothing line. . charisma and drenched with ' anywhere "food" is sold Scuba Wear phone numbers on campus. from prospec­ Dive into summer fashion early tive lovers. You' this year with JK's diving fins 5. Roaches, I bet if you won't have bad and snorkel. You'll be the life of lift your books up right luck opening the party not only at the pool­ now you'll fi~d a few. this umbrella in side, but in room 621 in the your dorm south wing. As a fin-ishing room, or will 6. Herpes, okay, so it is touch, the snorkel also serves as you? a great way to drink jello shots not a creature, buf they while the fins make great wate... can be found allover resistant footwear. campus.

7.. Lice, seriously, we can 't stop scratching .

8. Mold , it grows in Less is more when it comes to spring fashion this season bathrooms and eateries found on both North By GAMIE RECTUM by a mere millimeter of fabric can result . "Really, there 's no reason the whole that feet are ugly and sinful and should junior, psychology. Her makeup bag and South campuses. ",,_.. ,,-_._------_._--_ .- in price increases of hundreds or even country can't have highly trendy cloth­ be hidden away from the world, not left was zipper busting full of product con­ Proctologist thousands of dollars. . ing, even the homeless," said Suzanne out ill the open for all the world to see. tainers that at first glance seem empty. 9. Bacteria, all over that "I'll pay top dollar for minirrlal cov­ Dexter, sophomore, social work. "Besides, let's not invite foot She assured, however, that they were in kid who borrowed your Spring is in the air arid with it comes erage. See this inch of cotton? Six hun­ Dexter proposed an urban action to fetishists to j,ndulge in their perversion," fact quite new and full and would last pen in your first class of the smashing new seasonal spring fash­ dred bucks and worth every penny," encourage going completely bare as a Shu said. her montbs. the day. ion trends. This year, less is more this said Cuku Carvel, local patron of the solution to the fashion problems rife in While not everyone shares the reli­ Empty product containers sold for a year, in a very real way. MFacy's chain. the projects." gious condemnati<)ll of bare feet, the premium price, to the drugstore variety 10. Smartass college Since Bradgelina has been seen with Not to be outdone, Jennifer Aniston "It's the perfect solution. They look style has become widespread amongst r less, have been the issue of some kids, the office of The their brood of offspring wearing the lat­ has become the new spokes model for great, and at a fraction of the price,." protesters. controversy too, but the manufacturers Stagnant has an infesta­ est VBaerresace "Scraps" line during the Channel "Empress's New" clothing she said. Clothiers, however, strenuous­ ''What about the environment?" said . insist they are selling a newly 'devel­ tion. their family outings to the park, wear­ line. ' . ly object to the bare trend, citing poten­ Amanda Bufuun, president of People oPed product that is invisible to the eye ing the bare minimum has become the While naysayers complain Channel tially devastating losses to profits if Against the Inhuman Treatment of but benefits the skin in appearance and This list was compliled hottest trend in fashion . is copying the work of VBareersace, the people stop buying anything whatsoev­ Earth and Air. . care. from information found The new "Scraps'.' sensation difference is clear. Thread is the flavor er. ., ''If we're not covering our· feet, air " True style gurus will notice though on the wall of the fourth involves taking a miniscule scrap of . of the day in this amazingly'fashionable Another popular trend has arisen quality will significantly decrease from that the cosmetics alone a.ren't enough. stall from the left in the fabric and artfully placing it somewhere .trend. All her publicity outings show from the publi.c outrage from the funda-. the increased spread of stink. Not to "The true fashion is to appear half­ on the body for maximum effect. . her spotting her single thread. mentalist and religious quarter: "Iust mention that co=erce will suffer if starved, suffering drug withdrawal, and third level STD. men's "It's exceptionally popular," said "It's ridiculous., she's paying $6,000 Shoes." we're not making responsible use of having unkempt hair. You know, like bathroom. Migual Moolah, store manager of for.a clipping of thread," said an anony­ "It's indecent. It's Sinf~ll. And it our natural resources by making and you'd find anyone who slept in an alley MFacy's. "People are just wild about mous insider source. needs to be stopped," said Father selling of footwearare," said Amanda all night," said Mandi Cooper; ScMary If you have an idea for the the fashion and it's just disappearing off Ridiculous or not, colleges across Robert Richard of Saint Sabina's Shrine . Bufuun, president of People Agll:inst the Kay independent beauty consultant. next top ten list or any sug­ the racks . Sales have never been bet-. the country are teeming with students of the Sacred Shoes. "Everything hang­ Inhuman Treatment of Earth and Air. . With these key components in hand; gestions of what you would ter." crazy for the fasbion. Those with limit­ ing out in .the open for people to see. Nude feet or not, the new rage in DUMSL students can expect to find like to see us cover in our Sales couldn't be better, but the ed budgets are eprolling in sewing . God frowns on this sort of behavior. cosmetics is "Completely Bare." themselves leading the country in fash­ Creatures section, please go prices certainly could be: Scraps is not a classes so they can craft their own haute Cover up your feet, sinners!" "The goal is to look like you're ion and style, now and in the years to fuck yourself fashion .to embrace lightly. A reduction couture replicas. Mu Shu, local Buddhist priest, said wearing nothing," said Mimi Avonna, come. April 2, 2007 '([hE ~tagrulnt · Page 7th Inning

Foreign exchange student Borat Sagdiyev, freshman, dances with the ladies during China Night. Borat comes from DUM [~.. higJJ five! the country of Kazakhastan, By PAUL WALL Hootz. the world's --~------~~ "No. Retired," she responded. "I The People's Tramp leader in stopped working .at myoId job and potassium came here." expo:-ts. "Wawaweewa!" "It's very nice you let retards teach Those were the words that Borat at DUMSL," Borat said, not hearing Sagdiyev uttered upon' aniying on the the difference. DUMSL campus last Sunday, April t" As Borat drove to his next stop, he . "Jak sie IllilSZ? My name, a Borat. 1 passed the softball ~ practicing for like you. I like DUMSL. I like sex. Is its next ganle. "Very nice, how nice! Very nice!" he said. in an inter­ much?" he asked. view with a .reporter fTom The "111at comment was very inappro­ Stagnant. priate," shouted softball coach Chuck Borat is the newest foreign Snowski to Borat. "At DUMSL, you exchange student at the university. He can't bribe women to do whatever you decided to transfer from Kazakhi want." Community College to team about the Pause. cultural differences ]:Jetween a college "NOT!" Bora! replied. iIi Kazakhstan and the United States. ' Next on his tour, Borat visited the "So far, there is far less potassium bookstore. where he met Gloria here," Borat said. Estefan, who oversees operatiollB at In an effort to learn more about col­ the bookstore. lege life in St. Louis, Borat visited the '1t's very nice to meet you, BoraL many different offices and classrooms Look around and if there's anything and met the various students, faculty you want, let me know," Estefan said, clubs in the Dffice of Student Life. er once a week and ... " On South Campus, Borat got a look the night. So, ull, bang bang,· skeet and administrators to get a better pic­ to which "Borat responded, "Gypsy! There, he met with Ray Beeze, presi­ ~ 'And play smash the Jew chick . at his dorm room where he would stay skeet, nigga. Just a couple of pimps, no ture Of life at DUMSL. Give me your tears' If you will not dent of the Gusher organization on before it hatches?" Borat asked. . while going to classes. has." First, he met with English professor glve them to me, I will take them from campus. "No," Beeze said, slightly offend­ When residential assistant Sue Shee Borat still has much to learn about Inga Hootz, who retired from editing you!" "So you tell me that Jews ha\'e club ed. asked Borat what kind of room he DUMSL and will spend the rest of the manllscripts to teach college students. Borat also learned about beconllng at DUMSL?" Borat asked. Borat then threw a pocket full of would like, he said, 'Tm looking for semester adjusting to life as a college "So you are retard?" Borat asked involved on campus thn;lUgh student "Yes," Beeze said. "We get togeth- money at Beeze and ran away. somewhere to post up my black ass for srulient here. And you thought it was taking you forever to graduate ...

B y EMILY OCRE an actual degree. Staph injection "I got s(:ared then," said Manfield. "This was around 1995, 65-year-old DUMSL student thereabouts, so I was coming up on Ricardo Manficld just wanl~ to grad­ 25 years myself." . uate. "TIus will be,my 34th year here Manfield decided to investigate at UMSL," said the father of four. again why he kept having so many Manfield started attending problems trying to graduate. He DUMSL in 1973 as a history major. checked and double-checked his Everything went , moorply in his ftrSt requirements, making sure all 'his four yean; until he came to what was requirement, were squared away. suppoSed to be his last semester "1 thought, 'There ain't no way I before graduation. won't graduate thi semester, no,''' ''Apparently I took the wrong Alas. Manti me' anfield said. "I rook with the deaTh I9d R tery 2100. instead of Hi. tory told him that he coJ1d not graduat 21 00. Histery. with an 'e: didn't because the stars had not been exist. Strange. really, 'cause I aligned during the semester, causi ng Came F"15her • Ft1ptIro:;zi Prinass rempmber going to the class." him to take wrong classes aoain. The Agog that a _p elling error eould classes he had taken were actually Students dance to oldies music during the opening celebration of Happy Meadows Hall, keep hi m back. Manfield begrudg­ fik Pbolo for the nursing d gree, and had noth­ ingly attended an xtra semester. . Ricardo Manfield, senior citi­ ing to do with his major. During the first extra semester, zen, history, plays guitar in his "I don't understand what the deal New residential nursing home to cater M anfield learned that the degree spare time. with the stars wa . What do they requirements changed. have to do with me getting my "I was supposed to take some­ adviser who told him to get a degree degree'> Like I said already, I ain't thing called .He rstory, ", he said, "but in psychology, since he was clearly dumb. 1 mean, yeah - I didn't under­ to DUMSrs serlior citizen populatioIl that made me kind of nervous since 1 going insane. stand why I was takino classes about figured th spelling was wrong. It "I ain't dumb or nothing." he said. nursing, but that's their mistake. not By ANDREW THE GIANT replace Soak Hall's location on South "The Price is Right"' and "Jeopardy." was about being politely correct or "1 just want to graduate. So when trune." Campus due to its close proximity to Other activitics includc quiJtmaking, something." they told me I was insane, I said I'd Manfield has supported hi mself StaplJ bl(eaioll the Nursing SChooL shuffleboard and a bingo hall. M anfield questioned wlr he was­ sue." and his family throughout hj school Residential Life Support is plan­ Nursing srudents will be able to· get The construction of the new nurs­ n't gran.dfa£hered in, . ince he had He was then told that if he want­ years by working on a corporate pig ning to buifd a new nursing home resi­ practical experience dealing with all ing home building is not going accord­ been nearly complete in his degree. ed to sue, he'd need a law degree. farm in a small town close to St. dential hall to accommodate the stu­ the fogies with their" pecial" needs. ing to schedule. Head honcho of Rez "They told.me I needed to be an Perplex.ed, he then set out to get a Peters. dents who seem to be getting on in and the students will have quick IIccess life, Johann Klein, says, "We still need actual grandfather:' he remarked. degree in law. ;'That's the other thing." be said. yean;. to all the budget care that they can to tear dovm that one building and . "At that time, I only had the three "It weren't easy or nothing," he "It'd be nice not io be a pig farmer no The new horne will take the place hope to stomach. evict all of those free-loaders who live kids, another on the way. I got me said. "It must have taken me seven or more. A history degree would be of newly built Soak Hall after it is Happy Meadows Hall will be in the there. We have old people trying to some grandkid now. but they keep eight years to get even close. to get­ awful nice, but them advisers keep demolishesd later this month, and will same kind of sboddy condition as live here on campus. so we have to a changing thing around on me."· ring a degree. I just don't understand getting in the way." expect to cost around $47 billion, 10 every other kind of retirement horne place for them to stay, because every­ Missing classes continued to all that law business, never have." He stated that he believes the heads of cattle and 4 packs of ciga­ around, complete with all the rude and body knows they can't live alone. plague Manfield lUltil 1981, when he Just as he was close to finally advisers are paid a commi, sian every rettes. abusive help as well as the half-hearted The.y are a danger to themsel ves and . decided to find oul why he kept hav­ achieving a degree in law, Manfield time they keep a student from gradu­ A recent DU1v1SL study shows that attempts of care and recreation. others: ' ing trouble,~ graduating. was told he didn 't need a law degree ating. the average age of a student is 67.4 Every door will be bandicapped­ .When completed, Happy Meadows "1 mean, one time th ey told me I after all. ;;1 think they do it by telling some­ years, ·so it is only appropriate that this accessible and equipped with those Hall will be only 3 floors and made to had missed a class because I had long Initially elated. he then got some one to take a wrong class or by talk­ kina of housing establishment be built motion sensor .openers that take way accOlnmodate over 500 studen~. The hair. The teacher who taught the disappointing news yet again. "The ing them into changing their degrees for.all the old people on campus. too long to activate. Craftmatic average cost per student will be every class I needed - I think it was 'Polite name of the history degree had got at the last second. They get their The nursing horne and residential adjustable beds in every room. and a la~t dollar of their retirement fund Gavemment' - was deathly afraid of changed to social studies." money from the srudent fees, see. hall, called Happy Meadows Hall, will special TV channel with 24 hours of and/or their social security. people with long hair," he said. Because of the name change, he Probably 50 percent or something." Manfield went to the advising would have to take all the hi story Manfield has since seen his own department in search of some courses again. 'They were all the kids graduate, but not hi mself. He answers. When he entered the office, same," he said, "just different laments that now, at the age of retir­ he said the peopk started snickering names." ing' there is almost no point in to themselves. As he worked to complete the obtaining a degree. "Lih' I was some sort of joke or social studies degree, Manfield start­ He has checked the requirement, something. I a,ked them why I ed talking to other students who were and made sure everything'S ready. couldn't graduate and told them they also having a hard time graduating. but he is skeptical. was doing it on purpose and all," He remembers Stu Dently in par­ 'They'll probably tell me I'm too Mansfield said. ticular. Dently had been a student for old to graduate now. Yeah, just you That day, Manfteld met with' an nearly 25 years, but had yet to obtain wait.," he said.

Hnd out more about Nursing Leadership, Officers hip and Scholarship opportunities with Army ROTC. Call 314-935-5521,5537 or 5546. You may also visit our web-site at www.rotc.WUstl.eou Page Hate 1IIle ~tagnant April 2, 2007 t fel hotter than 98 degrees at the 2PAC

By PAUL WALL other scheduled stops besides the 2PAC However, Lachegie' s attempt at a and your mom's house. comeback against Skelton did not hold The Peoples '[i'amp Lacl)egie, fonnedy a member of the up well at the 2PAC. band 97 And A Half Degrees, held the During the concert, Lachegie Onl . by attending a Stupid Goober concert to promote his fi rst self-titled walked O~lt into th~ audience and sang Association meeting can people appre­ album. Songs on the CD include titles, to a lucky girL who said afterwards, "I ciate what it is like to be an SGA repre­ such as "SGA Resolutions Make Mc felt .. . what's the word .. . really semative again and have their liyes con­ Look'Like I'm Doing Something uncomfortable. That was, by far, the T&A ON CAMPUS sumed by a pol itical science major with Important" and "I Can't Help TIl at strangest thing that's ever happened to a chatming smile and even sexieryocal Nobody Wanted To Run Against Me me and I've had strange things happen chords that they can devote their entire Last Year." in mv life, like the time I accidentally April 2: hearts and souls to. ' When he perfonned his latest single drank some expired milk and I thought Girls Gone Wild audi­ By day, Nick heard on local radio stalions currently, I sa~lI drag queens walking around cam­ tions tonight in the Lachegie serves 'Nick Lac:hegie' there was not a dry eye in the house. pus one day last year." Editor-in-Beefs office as the SGA presi­ at the 2PAC It was a teary moment:, not because \Vh.en Lachcgie went to take off his located in The Stagflaflt dent for DUMSL it was sad but because someone was . T-shilt revealing his wife be'ater, one office. students. holding sli.cing onions in the theater, when fan shouted, "I vote for a resolution important meet­ Lachegie sang, "1 Catl't HJte You stating that Nick should weat· a wife April 3: ings, writing res­ Anymore But That Doesn't Meatl I heater to every SGA meeting." DUMSL to add another olutions and Presented ~y: Love You," and dedicated it to his ex., Another fan shouted, "I second mat." A third shouted, "You guys didn't new ab stract piece of wearing a fancy The Stupid Goober Ima Quitter, also known as Tomas tie. Skeleton. follow Robert's Rules of Order:' over-priced , modern art­ Association But la t Flidav Lachegie and Skeleton used to be' At the end of the concert, Lachegie w ork that nobody wi ll night at' th~ co-stars of the hit television show, "The asked th.e crowd for any requests. Tri.'tie understand at the Fine 2PAC, Lachegie showed a different Newlyweds: Nick and 1e-s;;ica," I mean, Wi~a5s . who called herscU' Lachegie's Farts Building side of himself, a side that most teeny­ "Tomas". mYl! Seasons I and 2 are biggest fan, asked if he would sing boppers would die to see in live con­ now available at the bookstore.) "SeXY Back." to which Lachegie April 4: cert. However,. after their relationship had its replied by giving her a name, a phone Another real ly boring Those teenyboppers got their wish. run, they both went their separate WJ)'s. number and a.!1 e-mail of the appropri­ ballet w il l be performed However. most of them wished they Skeleton came out 1\ ith a hit single ate person she could contact with her at 2PAC at 8:30 p. m. No auld have died instead of paying for last month called "A Public ffair with request. students will be' attend­ tickets to ee Lachegie kick off his pop The Current," which got , ome backlash OveralL Lachegie's concert was not ing the eve nt bec ause it singing career with a tour he calls for its obvious retaliation lyrics against a; good as it could have been but I still "What' Left of Me After My Vice Lachegie. Skeleton also starred in "The plan to go to your mom's house for his w ill be boring. Tickets Nick L3chegie performs during his "What's Left of Me After My Vice President Resigned" tour last Friday at the 2PAC. President Resigned." TIle tour has no Dukes of Hazardous Waste Material:" live fmale concert. w ill be overpriced and not worth it

April 5: "Nap Time" will be he ld 'Webster's Dictionary' MAKING A SPLASH AT SOAK HALL during the post-post modern interpretive dance performance by Pretentious Art Ensemble proves to be ,a jovial at 6:60 p.m. April 6: affair with many words The highly cr iticized art exhibit, "When I Was 5 Someone Bought me a Box of Crayons and I . By NAK.ED APE meteoroid laUD hed from a atapult that Made Pretty Drawi ngs Slapb {I/jectiol/ was built on the moon. with Them, " will be on The Il of hair that .Petard calJied displa y beginning today \ as a love-lock (defined as a piec of and throu gh the month I found the mo. t inlportant book on hair cut ff and given to a I ver who will of August on your mot h­ the planet: the dictionary. It i. a refe r­ carry it in his . t he! while riding hi ' ence book like no other, Filled with horse off t a away place for a long er's refrigerator. far "words: ' the dicti onary is a nonelectri­ time). This Ire ' of hair. th love-lock, cal database (or search engi ne), mat tells tied in'ber ovm urlicue way (defined as April 6: one how words like "sugary" and an omatnental, fancy cml or twist. as in The" Naked Ladies = "meteoroid" me defined. a signature), wa, a 'ymbol of her love Art" exhibit will be on The fi rst thing I noticed about the for him. She tied and t\ isted her hair in display in Gallery 420 at. dictionary was these tabs on the side of the shape of the ace of spades·: thi. rep­ 6: 19 p.m. This will be a the book. They are labeled: (a b) (sildee) resented. her favorite past time with him: BYOB event. (ef) (gee) (ach) (i) (jay,kay) (el, em, nee) playing magic cards. (to) (0, pee) (que res) (tee-u-vee) (uu) (x Anyway, the lock ofhai.r got stuck on For more information on y) (zzzzzz). a fence on the moon after Petard was upcoming events check These labels help the reader find a knocked off his ' space horse after being word quicker. So for example, if you shot in the side by enemy laser guns. He out www.TouHill.org wanted to find out what the word "curl" crawled, pu'shed and pattially noated, or call the box office at means, just pick up the dictionary atld because of the low gravity, up a hill 314-516-4949 tum to (si/dee ). This label will quickly away from enemy flIe and hung the lock tum you to the place closest to the word of hair up on me barbed wire fence .that TOPiT UNES "curl." On page 469 the word "curl" C,ill stood above and behind his dying body. be found. The soldier stayed there all night iSTOl£ TIle word "curl " is detlned as: until eventually fadingaway to the spir­ Ringlet, coil, spiral, wave, tress of itual world . Pelard is now in the afterlife 1. Don't Be Upset That hair, love-lock, curlicue .. hoping to come back as either a.diction- I Hate You, I Hate . Vvnat is interesting about this defini­ ary or as a breast implant. . Everything Else, Too· tion is that it could be used to write a He is hesitant about · becoming a' Ninjas In Neverland story. How about this as a stOlY: breast implant because he does not A ringlet (defined as a lock of hair) is know who the other, breast implant will 2. Plaid Pants and found coiled on a fence post spiraling be. What if the other bi'east implatlt does Leather· Punky Punkster & against the waves of the wind. The tress not have a good personality? Imagine the Punktastics of hair (defined as shock, lock, plait; see being with that other implant for etemi­ braid, curl, hair, more hair, reddish col­ ty, since some breast implants can be 3.This Ain't a Song, it's Ored hair, brownish colored hair, bluish non-biodegradable. a Sell Out· Se llOut Boy colored hair ... ) had belonged to a maid­ Anyway, Petat'd thinks that maybe if en named Sole (defined as only one, no he becomes a dictionary he will have a 4. Flautulence (explicit more than one, remaining) who gave it bener vocabulary or an interesting Sto1Y edition)· Ferger Burger to a soldier, named Petard (defmed as a about how he fought to save the world firecracker, explosive, squib; see fire­ against a sugary (defined as sticky, gran­ works, powdery stick that is lit at the end ular, candied; see sweet . .., ) meteoroid of a wick and shoots off into the sky (defined as meteOlite, shooting, star, where it eventually pops in the sky leav­ falling stone, a big rock that floa\s in Issa S, Ninja' Creep! Photographer ing behind a trail of smoke ... ) who space, beaten by Bruce Willis and a Johann. Klein, lead Singer. and guitarist for Fldoding Molly, made a splash and Soak Hall's first went off to fight in a battle against space bunch of guvs who drill for oil, space annual Noahpalooza concert last Friday night. The band performed hit songs from its album invaders who tlied to send a giant sugary booger, floating stone . '.. ). "Sunken Lullabies."

5. Get Your Hands On 'Dukes -of Hazardous Waste Material' leaves audience looking for exit My Nuts· Acorn

6. Razor Head· Britney B y C RAZY M OVIE·HEC KLER 'with most great ideas, its execution Bob (Skelton) or Jim BOJ;l estate. Which is all well and good, for Dukeship, the irony is that they die of fall s far short of the mark. (Shareman) but since the distinction is me first IS minutes or so. Shears Movie Mogul radiation poisoning' .in the last reeL The movie opens with a scantily­ not made consistently enough, it is not However, the rest of the movie Lots of laughs there. 7. I'm Not Gay, I'm Just clad Doozy Duke (Sharon Stoner) very helpful. . seems to play out like a "Waiting for This poorly conceived boondoggle 5enstive· Generic Emo The new action-comedy "The saying "1' ve had strange things hap­ Once the brother!, show up, they Godot' public service annOU)1cement. of a plot is not aided by Skelton's poor Band Dukes of Hazardous Waste Material," pen in my life ,- like the time I acciden­ take sister Doozy, off to the nearest . No jumping over canyons, no chas- acting. In fact, his perfonnance is so stars former Stupid Goober tally drank sQme expired milk and I Hooters and she disappears for the es from the cops. Just small talk a bouf poor, that he appears to have been 8. Born 2 Breed- Crotch Association President and Qui'tter-in­ thought I saw drag qu'eens walking rest of me movie. radiation poisoning in the cab of an replaced, mid-movie, by a stand-in Rockets Chief Tomas Skelton in his movie around campus one day last year," as Admittedly, the . premise of the I8-wheel truck. For five honrs. The· who keeps; his back to the camera, just debut. The movie 's plot centers on two drag queens stroll by in the back- . movie is exactly what you get. A cou­ only jokes in this movie are all, tunm, . as director Ed Wood replaced Bela 9. Too flunk for Duke brothers and a scheme invol ving ground. • ple of drunk rednecks, Jim Bob and bean-related, and even this would not Lugosi .in "Plan 9 From Outer Space." Posture- The Hunchbacks atomic waste and a big old truck. Doozy jiggles for the camera for his brother Jim Bob, find out that ao be so bad, if not for the unique "smell­ However, you hat'dly notice the differ­ You would think any movie involv­ about two minutes, lIntil her brothers . extensive fortune (and the proper title a-vision" feature that bas been ence'. 10. Girls Hate Me, So, I ing rednecks driving atomic sludge lim Bob (Skelton) and Jim Bob of Duke of Chernobyl) would be installed 'in theaters specifically to All in all, "The Dukes of Hate My Dad- Hipster & across the country would make for a ' (Paully Shoreman) show up. . theirs, according' to their great-grand ; accompany this movie. Hazardous Waste Material" IS 'a com­ the Posers pretty . interesting comedy. The redneck brothers' names are father's ,will, if only they drive the last Although the brothers complete plete waste of time, film and money .Unfortunately, such is not the case. As , di'stinguished .by emphasizing JIM truckload of toxic waste off the family their trucking task to win the (YOUl'S and the filmmakers' ). April 2, 2007 Page 99 Red Balloons 'I'll have the breast:' Geese Gone Wild sexifies poultry

By CRAZ'( MOVIE-HECKLER • restrictions and human hassles. ganders chase each other across the "These geese are really wild," says shoreline, splashing through· the · MO lJie Mogu/ sophomore gander Taka Gander with water. In fact, the film is one real big a gosling grin, near the start of the goose chase. When DUMSL students headed film. "Geese Gone Wild" spotlights Unlike human students, college off for Spring 'Break in resort spots Spring Break goose hot spots . like geese and ganders ' prefer these noted for wild behavior such as Nova Scotia's Port Joli Migratory Northern resorts, where there is more Cancun, Fort Lauderdale or South Bird Sanctuary. space to kick back and a higher per­ Grand, few give any thought to what Taka Gander lets the audience centage of wild life. ~amp u s geese would do while classes· . know exactly what is the appeal of There is plenty of other shockiDg are not in session. Now a new expose the beachside goose resort. partying. We get shot after shot of ttIe reveals they head for their own wild "It's the local geese. They are college geese and ganders imbibing spots. wild, r mean really wild. They don't the local herbs and·downing me local A new movie, "Geese Gone get any wilder than at Port JoU," said beverages at the many watering Wild," lips the lid of the little-known . Gander, hoisting a pint at tbe local holes. wild party world of ganders and geese wateting bole. No one interferes, for the wild life cuJ;ting loose for Spring Break. You . Plenty of film footage backs up his sanctuary keeps out humans who ·may be shocked ·at just how wild claim. Bare-breasted geese are every­ might put a damper on the wild these campus geese get. . where, honking in wild abandon. Spring Break abandon. In a world where there is no one to Things got even racier when div­ Junior Sally Goose sums up the challenge tlleir dominion over the ing sessions featured bottoms-up goose Spring break experience for all sidewalks, where wild herbs are free eriteltainments for drooling ganders. the grinning participants. in the for the taking, college ganders and And they were certainly taking a gan­ straight-to-video wildlife feature. This gander likes to show off her assets. I guess the old adage is true. What's good for the goose is geese head to the wild locales for der at these wild geese beauties. "Hey it's .Spring Break. Everyone good for the gander. And what goose wouldn't like to look a nice set of goose boobs like that? Of course, we had to block out the goods. Showing goose hooters evidently isn't ·PC.' So we put some wilder behavior, far from campus Throughout the video, geese .and wants to go wild." stars there like pasties. Still hot though, isn't it? We're told Goose Gossage likes this flick.

" Britney Shears talks about drugs, wearing'panties Vesuvius restaurant rumbles

By HAIRY APE The Stagnant: So you then entered rebab? Staph Infection to life with erupting dishes

Shears: Yeah. I checked in and Britney Shears is no stranger to spent a month discoveIing tllat r am By R. KANYE YAMMERS one would find inside of a volcano the world. speciaJ. and that I should chelish my and also what a person would want Staph Injection She has sold over 20 million life and my hair and that I should most if they were in a volcano, records worldwide, packed stadiums wear panties and not do drugs. KetchinMister carne up with four all over the country and even has her It took months to construct the essential ' items. Her thick accent own perfume called "Bang for The Stagnallt: So how did you monolithic outer structure, but once made it sometimes hard to under­ Love." come up with the new album it was completed there was no doubt stand her but eventually she said Sbears has not released an album "Shaved at Last?:' that Vesuvius would be a restaurant "Vat kind of food vid people find in over five years. Since then she has like no other. inside a volcano? So they get a had a tumultuous life, after she mar­ Shears: The album is a compila­ After more than two years of lump of blackened protein, a splotch ried, had kids, divorced, was caught tion of everything I went through. I construction and feats of engineer­ of unidentifiable goo, a glass of ice by tlie media not wearing underwear, sing about the pains and problems ing that would confuse anyone, cold water and a triple shot of what­ shaved her head and entered rehab. that I went through. Like the prob­ Vesuvius opened its doors Aug. 24, ever liquor they choose." . Shears has overcome all these lems everyone goes through, to a hoard of eager patrons. One thing of note, the beverages , obstacles and released another album whether it be abollt losing love or Once inside, the decor stands come wim free refills, and as many called "Shaved at Last." trying to find oneself. In rehab I met out, considering that it is modeled as a person wants, subsequently, the "Shaved at Last" will hopefuJly a woman who talked to me about exactly after the inside of the real liquor stock at the restaurant is be Shears comeback album. Shears God. I liked how she found spiritual­ Mount Vesuvius. about a large as the Library of sat down . wi'th The StagnGnt and! ism as a guide for her life. I use How is that possible? Head 9f Congress in Washington, D.C. talked about 'her new gospel a]bum, music as a guide ip my life. I then design for Vesuvius, Ash Spewer, All food is put in spill-proof and about her I ife out of rehab. decided to do a gospel album about finally disclosed that tlle design of containers, because periodically the my life. L wanted to search for some the building had actually taken 15 entire building rumbles and shakes, The Stagnant: So what inspired purpose to it. years to complete, because the only knocking anything that is not tied )'00 to write Q gospel albun1'1 way "to get an accurate picture of down over. This is why it is vitally The StagnanT: And have you the in . ide f a volcano was to send important to keep the eat belt fas­ SheaJ'S7 Well. I had a lot of prob" found a purpo e in your life with this in a ketch artist and hope for the tened on the dinner chair. lems in my life wh.en I first started new album? be st". Finally, Vesuvius is not a casuaJ recording this album. I had just "It [Oak us about 79 artists before dining experience. Those who corne ended my IT\arriage and became Shears: I think I have. I fo und out we got it all completed" said should be prepared for the longest addicted to prescription dmgs. I V,'as that I am a strong person ",:ho can Spewer. "We had to search for tiny meal of their life. going to the studio high and stuff. I handle all SOlts of pains. In my song. people so that we could layer on the The entire expericnce takes 19 would just start singing things like "I 'Tm not a girl, not y ~ t a nun," I sing protective suits, the last one we used hours, because as that dinner pro­ wanna be a pink saber." and ":whatta about how I am in a transition in my was a little person from Newbury gresses, the pools of wax move poontang wants." life from being a crazy party girl to who \vas wearing 23 suits. upward by using a series of dizzy­ Anyway, it was obvious that I not being one. "But. hey, all is fair in art and ing hydraulics and pulleys. wa, gOin'g crdLY so I had people The song goes further into my food right~ " Ultimately each pool empties itself intervene in my life and gay: "you qualms in life when I have to decide Once past the initial shock of the and its patrons at the top of the need to check yourself into a club Carrie F"1Sher • ftJpamzzf Princez to tell the ·limo driver to tum either decor and the means at which it was approximately 4,000 foot structure. and get some rest girL" I igno~ed left to the nightclub or· right to the retrieved, the seating is what next The patrons are loaded into a them and went on singing crazy Britney Shears performs in · the Poor Light House at DUMSL. church. strike, the patron. At varying levels rubber ball and shot upwaJ·ds before songs .with no possible release of an Shears has released a new gospel album and performs it with are built-in pools filled with colored the ball returns to the outside of the beads draped over her nipples. album in sight. The Stagnant: And which i it. left wax that isokept at a temperature structure and rolls down the side or right? . just above melting. The pools each into the "Red Zone" where patrons The Stagnant: So what made vou hold four square tables with four are unloaded and directed · back to eventually enter rehab? long before telling me to check into and looked in the mirror . , . I realized Shears: WelL let's ju t ay that I chairs and seating the party is a their cars. rehab when I 'wasn't wearing any that I was out of control and that choose what's best for me at that peculiar affair. The restaurant is a once in a life Shears: Well, it was when I panties. But after I shayed my head, sometlling had to give. time. You 'll just have to buy the Each person m.ust be seated one time experience that leaves almost shaved off all my hair. People were. took a nap, woke up, ate a pop tart album to find out. at a time around the table and buck­ everyone petrified. The only patron led in ·to keep from falling into the who had anything to say about their vats of wax. 'Once everyone is seat­ experience was Plinius (pronounced To all ,of The $tagnantreaders: ed they are ' connected to a steel Linus). caQle above the vat and sent out "I could boast that. not a groan or It took a lot of hard work and effort to put out this issue. We poured over afl oat on the wax. cry of fear escaped me in these per­ Ordering is non-existent at ils," Plinius said. 'Tm kind of a · informationl took photos l pretty much used every ,one of our considerable skills. Vesuvius. Head Chef Mister (pro­ simple guy so the menu worked for We did all this in an effort to bring you this issue. For that we say: High five! nounced Esther) Kctchin says that me but I will tell you that the expe­ . coming up for a menu for a restau­ rience works better from the outside . SincerelYI The Stagnant staff rant tllat is a volcano was simple. looking in. But that's just my opin­ Thinking in terms of what some- . ion."

• ~~ ------~- ~= Chiroprac tic VOUANOA GUEST ARE INVITED TO A SPECI.G.l SCREENING OF Are You Rea~y to Accept the Ghallenge? - -- The Logan Doctor of Chiropractic program includes extensive study in science, physiotherapy, nutrition, radiology, clinical sciences; chiropractic techniq'ues, business training and extensive clinical rotations. Logan students receive all this and more! V"l5itThe tWAllII"it' begi "+n9 Specialtiies, 'Wi:frhin C : h~ r opractic: . ril4 at • Sports Rehab • General Practice o day. • Pediatrics • Neur.ology www.theeunentonre.com • Geriatrics • OrthopediCS o find out how you can • Radiology • Research • Acupuncture • Personal Injury a compl m tary Contact Logan University at www.logan.edu tor ass for all info packet to your future as a Doctor of Chiropractic.

IN THEATERS FRI DAY, APRIL 6 -- - Page Big Fat Hen APlill2, 2007 B-ball court dedicated to martial arts legend

By S EAMUS M eDINa cational experience, he would be an' "In a fight between Batman and Darth inspiration to students," Patti said. Vader, ~huck Noms would win, so the IVisernan's Bitch "After all, he doesn't even need to fe

II

ATHLETE / BABE OF TH WEEK Newwiffle ball team makes debut

By A .NDREW THE GIANT

SJapb lll}ectirm

DUtvlSL is proud to announce that the Candace Gippeto University has assembled its' very own Wift1e Ball team and is ready to take on all challengers. Candace Gippeto isThe The decision was made during the Stagnant's athlete 9f the week of Spring Break when a bunch_of week this week. She set a feStless1y.,boiied sttldent rw~l JmJIg ' Wiffle Ball league record with around the MillenniU1n Stupid Center got 12 homeruns in one game, the urge to play a game that was a little breaking the previous record something like baseball and required a lot by eight. less athletic ability. \YIffle Ball, as many mow, is played Gippeto attributes her suc­ with skinny, yellow plastic bats and a cess ~c training and white, plastic ball that is perforated on perserverance, Critics attrib­ one side. '. ute it to 'raids. If you look All the'required equipment can usual- ly be found in somebody's garage, carefully to your right, you whether they know they-have it'or not, or might be able to make can be purchased at nearly any kind of Candace out in the photo. shoppiilg center in the aisle with all the • other summer toys. It is considered the Candace also was responsi­ national pastime for barbeques and fap:li- ole for introduci ng her team­ ly reunions. mates to the" apple jersey." DUMSL's WIffle Ball team started Simply enough, it is a jersey , when student Bill Stinkwater and several of his buddies were inside the MSC, flY­ covered ill apples. Her team­ Photos by: Cypress Hill • CTTNPY PoolCYgmpbm mates took to the idea like a ing to figure out how to spend an after­ Candace Gippeto, DUMSL Wiffle Ball player, takes her record·breaking swing in the first inning, jacking her fifth homerun of th~ game. duck to water. noon together. Several games were sug­ gested at first, such as horseshoes, rac­ quetball, badminton and washers, but "It gives me great cleavage," WtlfIe Ball ultimately stuck. one of her teammates said. DUMSL player sets record According to Slinkwater, one of his friends ran home and retrieved his bent Wiffle Ball bat and a roll of silver duct SPORTS THONG By DARTH GRANGER two strike curveball past Gippeto, who tape to wrap it up with. turned on the pitch and drove it 100 Between Stinkwater and his friends, Sensationalist feet, which is a long way in wiffle ball. there were only about seven available Nation's pasttime "She got all of it, that's for sure," .people to play, not counting the ones who Candace Gippeto, DUMSL Itch said, '

be closed for weekend Southern University of California and Candace Gippeto waits on a pitch from Wussy B. Itch. Gippeto set --- . ----~---- , games and practices. Kentucky (SUCK). Itch tried to slip a see KICK ASS CHICK, page 11 the Wifile Ball league record for most homeruns in a·game. see BIG WHITE BALLS, page 11 Students can still park in the lot at their own risk. The team strongly encourages students and faculty ~o keep an eye on the ball at alL He's Blown'Fusz, bitch, ~d he is the leading coach candidate ,tinles The team's buses will By BLOWN Fusz dedication to the game. Coach Vader Prime has been coaching for the last 10 Spanish and there was no translator does know someone who plays in the serve as dugouts and any guarantees victory as long as the play­ and is a good candidate for the job. available. NBA. He has little knowledge or inter­ balls over the MetroStink . BenchwamJer ers "give into the Darkside" and play Megatron just wants to beat Prime in "I do not know why we have so est in the game, but he makes up for tracks are ' considered home together as a team. whatever he is doing. many fictional characters have applied that in school spirit. . mns. Extra medical atten­ . The women's basketball team is still ''The Force is strong with the team," "I will be the coach for the team and for the job," said DillvlSL Athletic "I think it is a matter of scoring dants will be at each game looking for the next head coach. There said Vader. '''The Jedi have clouded then I will take over the-universe," said Dicector Peppermint Patty. "We have a more points than opponents; that is the in case any player decides to have been dozens of qualified appli­ their minds and have led them astray, Megatron. "Once I bave the universe at long list of characters from Watner key to victory" said' Fusz. "All that dive for a !;Jailor slide head cants and now the university has nar­ but if they give into the Darkside, the my command, there will be'no way the Brothers and from Disney applying for stuff about fundamentals and junk like first. rowed it down to the best of the best. National Championship will be ours." basketball team can lose," the job. I guess we all have to believe in that is a waste of time, If they. score The first parking lot From a land far, far, away comes The university is fortunate enough Dora the Explorer bas also applied magic if we want to turn the basketball more points, they win. It is that sim- game will be this Saturday. coach D. Vader. He was the head cOflch to have two rival coaches applying for for the job along with Sponge-Bob program around." ple." . Only a few home games are for the Stormtroopers for over !O sea­ the head coaching position. Gptimus SquarePants and a few of the Care The top candidate for the bead The final decision will not be made left so come out and watch sons and he led them to seven state Prime and Megatron have been battling Bears. Coach SquarePants was coaching position is Blown Fusz, (me) for a few more weeks and each candi­ before tbe team is forced to , championships. Coach Vader brings the for years and now they both want con­ unavailable for comment and Coach benchwanner for The Stagnant He has date bas high hopes for getting the job. play in someone's backyard. power of the Darkside as well as a true troi over the women's basketball team. Explorer said something but it was in no previous coaching experience but he Go~ luck to everyone who applied. April 1" LUU7' 'IDle ~tagnant Page 7-11 You are blessed by DUMSLfinally gets af ootball' team!!! Hooray!! Carnac's predictions The problem is, school loses all other athletics, and no one gives a rat's ass By NAME GOES HERE is to remain undefeated for forever. of the season. team." earned run average, and most .after­ That may seem a bit harsh but losing a Most coach,es took it well but there Lapse was ejecied from the meet­ ganie buffets cleared out. He will Hired Gun single game will be a were a few people who had to be ings because DUMSL does not have a prove to all Cardinal fans that letting After months of debates, delibera­ violation of the thrown out of the meetings swinuning team, but if there were' a him go might be the biggest mistake tions, decisions, douglinuts and days team ' s because of disruptive swimming team, it would get cut also. the franchise has made since the loss off, DUMSL athletics will now fea­ con- behavior. - The new football team is already of Kent Bottenfield. ture a real football team. That's right "I. do ·not care attracting new students to the campus, Speaking of former great no more laughing at the fake football who wants a which is strange because this is the Cardinal's pitcherS. The answer is shirts because starting in 2009 football ** **ing foot­ news release about the team. Students Jason Marquis. The 'question, who fans will have something to cheer for. ball team, my have already started painting their will win the National League Cy The only catch, DUMSL will lose . team and I are faces in anticipation of the opening Young award? Jason was a force to be all other sports. ' not going game, which will not be fcir another By CARNAC THE reckoned with during his days with "We are really sorry but the year. The stadium is not built yet but ·MAGNIFICENT the Birds. No one was more consis­ money has to come from some­ the first three seasons are already sold Staff Injection tent than Jason, except for when he where," said DUMSL Athletic out. batted, which was always a disap­ Director Peppemlint Patty. "We will "I was supposed to graduate in pointment. It is just a shame tnat we sell our of our current sports facilities May, but now I am going to stay for a I am taking time from my busy will .have to see what a dominant to Express Scripts. I heard they want few more years to watch football," duties on Johnny Carson re-runs to pitcher lie is as he leads the Cubs. to use the land to build a water park." said DUMSL student -John Brown. "1 offer a few predictions on this year's While we are on the subject of the At the end of the school year all have been thinking about switching b~eball season. Without further due, . Cubs, the answer is the National current student-athletes are encour­ my major and starting all over just so the answer is Yadier Molina. The League Central. The question, what aged to try out for the football team I can watch them play, I want to be the question, who will break the single are the Cubs going to win this year? because all scholarship money will be where. number one fan' Hallelujah holla season stolen base record of 130, set We have already discussed Marquis, given to the only DUMSL team. Ihave been back I " by Rickey Henderson in 1982? Yadi's . but with the $170 milli.on given to the Female athletes are welcomed as well. at this university, if A ceremony honoring all current blinding speed will go a long way in best lead-off hitter and center fielder "I have always wanted to play has had a repu­ you can call it that, for and pastDUMSLstudent-athletes will helping him befuddle National the game has ever seen in Alfonso offensive line, but they always said I tation for long winning over 20 years and I am staying put!" be held tomorrow moming in the League catchers all year long. Soriano, along with the durability and was too small. Now I have my - streaks and football is expected to do said Girnme ,Lapse, ilS he was being Huckleberry Finn Gym. Demolition The answer is David Eckstein. dependability of pitchers Mark Prior chance," said Tma Tiny, a four-foot the same. In fact, the first team will be pulled out by security. "You carmot of the building is set for the aftemoon. The question, who will break Barry and Kerry Wood, the Cubbi~s are all 75-pound tennis player inducted into the DUMSL Sports Hall _treat people like this, we put our blood Refreshments will be provided at both Bonds single-season home run record but unstoppable this year. The goal for the new football team of Greatness and Coolness at the end sweat and tears into our swimming events. of 74? No one has been working The answer is Alex Rodriguez . . harder this year to add the long ball to The question, who is this year's his repertoire like Little E has. Of American League Most Valuable course, everyone knows Eckstein's a Player? Honestly, is there anyone cheater, so we will most likely find who thrives under pressure in New Edjukation' building going bye-bye out at the end of the season that he has York; and is more beloved by his been using performance-enhancing fans, than Alex Rodriguez? drugs . .Speaking of performance­ F~aIiy, the answer is the Kansas . By BLOWN Fusz enhancing drugs. City Royals. The question, who is this for comment. He was last seen walking The answer is marijuana. The year's World Series champions? I will Bencbwanner near the Nosh-ious. question, what'drug will be added to bet you did not know it, but. the The new stadium will feature a the list of. banned substances as a per­ Royals picked up Ross Gload this With the announcement of retractable roof, solar energy panels, formartce-enhancing narcotic? Has year. Add that to their already pbtent DUMSL's new football team, construc­ massage seats, personal TV's for every there ever been 'a drug better than lineup, which complements their tion for the new football stadium is seat and a bunch of other stuff that ",,'ill marijuana to enhance your perform­ rotation, featuring newly acquired scheduled to begin as ear'ly as next cost way too much money. ance? I say no. staff ace Gil Meche,.and the Royals' week. The stadium is set to be built on -The new stadium will also have a The answer is Sidney Ponson. The '.\fill be lifting the World south campLlS after demolition of the built in movie theater and a shopping question, who will win the American Championship trophy come next Edjukation Building takes place. center. One of the most talked about League Cy Young award? Sidney is October. "We looked for the best place for the features of the stadium is the micro­ making a comeback this year with the I got to go, Johnny needs me on stadium on campus and we thought that brewery on the west side of the stadi­ Minnesota Twins, and I feel he "vill set, Zsa Zsa Gabor is on the show would be the best," said Bob the um. There will also be beer pong tour~ lead the league in wins, strikeouts, tonight. Builder, resident handyman. "It is nament held during halftime of each unfortunate that we have to knock game . down a few buildings to get what we .'0lP" goal is to bring in as much BIG WHITE BALLS, 10 from page want. but hey we Vv'ill still get what we money, I me.an as many people as w~ want." ca.'l," said BuiJder. "1 realJ Y want a The university ""rill lose 'the rai. . I mean I want to raise school spir­ The fir~t four innings only lasted of the university. The team's name Edjukation Building along with it and thi i the wa to do it.. .. 20 minuteB1with a score DeI:i~voo f.O wiJJ now go by the name of "The Barne -Jewi h Ii 11 and .urn h Ii named t!t be 5-12 or 13 for The Cleveland DUMSL Wift1e Rivermen" (WIffie Moneymaking Hall to make room for but there are lDIlJly companies with Steainers. Riverwomen for the women's team), the new stadium. A few ruden offers on the table, but none have The One-Eyed Wonder Weasels but th.ere is still a standing debate majoring in ixlucation protested the become official. almost came back in the 15th inning, . about whether or not the name will demolition of the building. but their few of the po ible names for the but nobody was really keeping track stay. complaints fell on deaf ears . field are Chuck orri , Kick-Ass of how many runs were scored. The DUMSL Wiffle Rivermen "DUMSL does .not care about edu- • Dome. Anna Nicole Smith Memorial Stinkwater's Cleveland Steamers, currently has a fluctuating team ros­ cation, this is a sport<; institute," said Field, the Meny Fjeld of Oz and We however, grabbed hold of victory by ter of around twenty to sixty official Dean of Edjukation Fo t Gump. Ru le-You u k Stadium. Students can clearly scoring more runs than players, depending on who can make "Losing the building real!. will not. vOle on (he t nam , but none of the Chamber's team. it to practice or games. matter in the long run. Students can just votes will matter. The game officially ended when -Stinkwater claims, "We are ready pick another major or go to another The stadium is set to open in the fall the afternoon faded to evening. for any and all challengers - bring it school, either way I do not a:rre." of 2009: Tickets lvill range from $500- Many players on each side began to on!" In spite of such a bold dare to "We canle to DOMSL bec.1use we $3.000. Student." will be able to apply disperse, and the bat was being used other nationwide universities, wanted to learn, but now we ar'e sta ing online' for scholarships and financial to light off bottle rockets through the DUMSL is currently the only school at DUMSL because we finally have a aid packag to pay for football expens­ Edjukation majors are rejoicing that they soon will not have to go hole in the bottom. to have an official WIffie Ball tearn , football team," said two out of three of es. Students will also have the option of to class. One student riddled this copy of the Ernest Hemingway Stink'Water was so impressed by so the season "vill be postponed until the tlrree little pigs. purchasing a conc.essi ons meal plan classic "The Sun Also Rises" with bullets. his obvious victory that he went further notice. The third little pig w~ una: aiJable starting at $ 1.000. . straight to the head of DUMSL's In its first game, DUMSL student Athletic Department, Peppermint Candace Gippeto, broke the record Looking for creative ideas for your wedding or just trying to Patti, who after much debate decided - for homeruns in a single game, with find affordable feJjabJe vendors? Check out the consulting to make Wiffle Ball an official sport 12. package. Want someone there 0 1) your big day to see that • • • • • everything gets done, then the coordinating package is just KICK CHICK, • Ass jrorn page 10 for you. There also is'a "plan it all" package for the out of • town or busy bride. Either way you go you can be sure you will have someone working hard to give you the wedding of Gippeto also had three doubles Granger attributes Gippeto's suc­ • and a triple in ,he game to go a per­ cess to preparation and a determina­ yourdfQantS.----~------~-~------fect 16- ~6, bringing her season tion to get better. average to .976. "She is always hitting the AIBSOLUTELY BEAUTIFU'L ":I've been blessed with a great weights and reviewing tape,:' ability to hit a little plastic ball -a Granger sai~. "She has a desire to WEDDINGS long way using a little plastic bat," make herself the best wiffle ball Gippeto said. "I couldn't have done . player she can be. Obviously, it's College student Di scount it without my teammates." paid off." 15% off price • Those teammates were effusive With the 'offensive explosion, in their praise of the power hitter. Gippeto leapfrogged into first place (must sign contract as a college stL ent) Darth Granger bats in front of in homeruns, RBIs, batting average, Servicing Sl Louis. 81 'rwrles, Si Francois, & Jeffers • I Gippeto and was driven in 9 times slugging percentage, on-base aver­ Counties off her homeruns. age, on-base plus slugging percent­ Tel: 3'1 4-412·3448 I "What a day for Candace," age, runs and bikini deals. fair Trade Website: www.ab·weddings.com Granger, who also went deep in the "I am happy to announce that I absolutelybeautifu lwecidin gS@gm ail.c om FAIR TRADE • game, said. '~I mean, what a day. It's have signed on with Speedo to a pleasure to bat in front of her, model their new line of summer because you know you are going to bikinis," Gippeto said. '1 also will get pitches to hit. They'd rather be appearing in the Sports Certified pitch to me than to her." Illustrated swimsuit issue." ROUNDHOUSE, from page 10 • Coffee "Why is tl:ie vice provost of you won't even feel it when he Students Having Affairs comment­ punches your face because you will • ing on something that qas to do with already be dead. • jock activities. Shouldn't he be ~usy "Now that DUMSL named its handling all of the complaints basketball court after Chuck Norris, Available @ DUMSL student have?" said Patti. it proves that it must be the best col­ • Racoonrod · said he didn 't know lege out there," Timmy Dumass, why he had to be questioned about unsuspecting high school nitwit, his comments. said. "Screw that full scholarship I "Nobody would questions com­ got from Harvard, I'm 'going to Aroma't;, ments made by Chuck Norris," he DUMSL!" said. The entire dedication ceremony That is because if you even think. took three hours, but to Norris it about questioning Chuck Norris, only took. 10 minutes. •

i, I ~ike pudding. it tastes good and is all • www.dineDnC4Mpuc.eoM/ uMcl slimy and stuff. It)s yummy. • . • • • • ••

\ Page 12 Monkeys' ne~mgnant . April 2, 2007 Attention' dorm residents, FACULTY CARS DESTROYED AT HAND OF STUDENT do you want .more safety? . Give us your first-born child

. By BLOWN FUSE they plan to wake up late or if they are going to be late returning to the BenciJ WICl.l'mer donns. Rule four states that students must Due to recent thefts in the campus check all bags and packages prior to dorms, new, more effective security entering the building. Rule four is put procedures have been put in place to in place to protect against possible maintain social order. tenorist tb.reats. The new policies were put into Bomb- sniffing dogs will patrol place by Johann Klein and will the donns during the day and man­ become effective immediately. eating -shark-dogs will patrol after New lists of rules and regulations hours. The estimated cost of have been sent out to residents patrolling shark-dogs is $5,000 per informing them of the new dorm hour. policies. "Of course we are spending too In order to avoid dreadful "disci­ much money on the man -eating­ plinary actions," there are five new shark-dogs, but how many people rules to which residents must adhere. can say their univerSity actually has Rule one states that all guests man-eating-shark-dogsT said some­ must accompany residents and pro­ one else. vide a picture ID. Guests must also "We want the best security money provide a copy of their birth cel1ifi­ can buy and you cannot go wrong cate and social security card. with shark-dogs. We get thoUSJl1ds of Guests will also need to know the dollars from each student and we 16-digit weekly guest password and a usually spend all of the money on copy of their fingerprints will be kept strippers, but now we will put it to on file. better use, after we pay the strippers Rule two states that all residents of course." must pass random room inspections Rule five on the Jist c, t new poli­ for "inappropriate conduct" which cies and regulations is by far the most ranges from having too much dirty controversial and is named the laundry to leaving the water on while Rumpelstiltskin Clause . brushing your teeth or even leaving All students who signed the nine­ Brian Railroad Crossing, Railroad Cars, can you spell that without any Rs? Brian uses his powers to destrooy faculty cars parked in the cap off of the tube of toothpaste. month lease are required to give up student parking Jots. Brian is the parking committee's newest weapon of mass destruction in the fight for better student access to "We care a lot about our environ­ th eir first born child to the universi­ campus parking. "It's not easy being easy," Brian said, ''but it is easy being difficult." . . ment and it is rriy personal duty to ty's troll yes, there is a troll) while make sure that our residents do not students ' who signed the 12-month BRADY Bl,.ING, jrampageJ abuse it," Klein said. "Students may lease are requ ired to pledge their alle­ not think that leaving the cap off of giance to General ZocL the toothpaste is a matter of donn Students are invited to protest the Last Wedne day, at a pres ~ con­ dogs, peanuts, cracker jacks and pillow fights and playtime with Director Peppermint Patty are cur­ security, but trust me when I say that new dorm procedure and voice any ference, he announced his starTIng beer for the same insanely high Barbie. rently pursuing legal action in everything the students do is a matter complaints. pitcher rotation including the red prices offered currently in the cafe­ .. With any money left over, Brady Student Court. of donn security. We know every­ There . will be an open rally this Power Ranger, Spljnter. Yu-Gi-Oh, telia. Thcse options will also be said he wants to use it to bribe Tony . Chief Justice Bryan Go-Go said thing they are doing." Friday in front of the man-eatin e - Papa Smurf and Justin Timberlake. available in classrooms witJ1 fifth LaRussa as an advocate for CADD, he would give the case much con­ Rule three on the list of new rules shark-dog cage whi h will be open. Brady also mentioned he period being last call. Coaches Against Dmnk Driving. sideration. , and regulations states that studenL' Students are encouraged to hold raw received an application from Vice Faculty and staff will also wel­ Yea. J know, he was just sleeping. "I think the justices of Stupid must give a detailed itinerary of daily meat as close to the cage as po sible. Chancellor Rhino Schuster for the come new profe socs of health serv­ While the Misery Court of Court will make a fair and balanced activities, whether or not they are in "We really want the students to batboy po ition. ices Mark McGv/ire and Barry Appeals and the Misery Supreme decision in the case," he said. the dorms or off of campus, feel as uncomfortable as po sible Keeping with a theme of base­ Bonds. They will specialize in Court denied DUMSL in its appeal "Although Brady did promise to This will ensure that Residential while staying in the dorms," Klein ball, Brady also wants to offer new ·teaching students about the dang<::rs against Brady, the Puniversity still build us a real courtroom and buy us Life Support knows all aspects of stu­ said. .choices for food ervice on campus. of performance enhancement drugs, has one more option. shiny solid gold gavels if we voted dents' behavior. Students will be "We really hope these new polices The 0 h-ious will now sell hot in~luding the increased number of In fact, Schuster and Athletics in favor of him." required to check with their RI\ if will do the job." Nutrition Lies Serving Size: 16 pages Calories: 1,764,509

% Daily Value

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INGREDIENTS: Identity Project, River Sliudge, Hell If I Cares, Diamond Jim Brady, bling, Myspacewannabeebook, . Viagra, Banana, Shuttle routes, Tommy Gorge, stem cell research, Lauren Huchinson, ninja robot pirates, afros, imps, Nick Lachegie's diary, lice, JK swlmwear, Happy Meadows Retirement Home, Borat, high five, The Old Spaghetti Factory Britney Shears, Flooding Molly, Dukes of Hazardous Waste Material, wiffleball, 727 N. First Street Cadence Gippetto, Located two blocks north of the Gateway Arch in 1thr [urrrnt DUMSL football, Carnac" goose mob, new dorm rules, Nicky's boobs, Stag­ . Laclede's landing do-ku, The Current sucks, .·when you're tired o~ looking at porn Long Live The Stagnant! We are currently hiring for all positions No experienc~ necessary! You must be 16 to work here, 19 to wait tables Some of the great benefits include: Reason # 74 to Employee disc9unts Flexible scheduling Stagnant ... Metro Line Access Set your own schedule For when you run out of toilet paper Get your summer job early! April 2, 2007 Page Fliday the 13th YouTube Video of Canada.geese SNACKS ON A TRAIN mauling student gets top·hits

By SEABISCUIT full recovery, according to his dOG­ snake attack where the pet owner tors. !;larely survived when his own snake Confused · Onlookers reported the ~cene was attacked and bit him. a frenzy of tattered clothes, blood, and "Snake-boys a fake, I'm number A DUMSL student was seriously flapping goose wings. one!" shouted Birdseed when told of injured on campus last Tuesday when 'Tve never -seen anything like it," the close running contest. he was attacked by a mOD of said an eyewitness who saw the The numbers of the Canad geese "Canadian geese. attack. ''First he was shocked by the have been decreasing on campus after The student, Johnny T. Bird5eed, birds turning on him, then he was earlier efforts to eradicate the pesky sophomore, bird behavioral studies, doing some crazy karate chop looking birds. The bird problem had been for­ wa~ attacked when he tried to catch a things on a couple of the geese, then gotten or ignored by campus officials, young gooseling that was following things turned bad for him when the who are' focusing their efforts on behind a pack of about five to 10 of odds turned in favor of the geese. newer problems Iik~ spending huge the adult geese. 'Though shocking and sad to see, amounts to help find-· a new system "1 don't know what happened," the grisly mauling has been all I can president. Birdseed said weakly in an interview seem to talk ~bout lately," added the . Following 'the attack" Chancellor at the hospital. "I knew the three main eyewitness, "It's something you don't Gorge promised funds and attention JUles of the honkers: they get incited see evelyday, like something out of a to the cause for eradication of the by the color red aon't go near their gI1sly movie." geesd~oni the UM-St. Louis campus. young, and stay calm if a large pack Speaking orthe mOVie value of the , "Even if we have to double the of them gets overly excited. Yet there attack, a home video of the attack has . tuition and student fees, we will be rid I was, highly excited in my fly Fila become the prized "most-watched of these pesky ·birds," said Gorge as red sweat suit chasing the cute young video" on the Youtube Web site. he signed an $80,000 contract to pay bird shouting 'here chickee, chickeel ' ''My bird-bashing'is kicking butt," for ~~rvices provided by a company It was like a sudden loss of control Birdseed said in a more upbeat tone. that speCializes iF! getting rid of when r saw the cute young bird." "I hope to stay on top to get Canadian honkers. Bitdseed rell'\ains in critical condi­ [FooITube.com 'slYouTube.com 's The money is said to not complete­ tion at Bames Hospital with an almost Most-Watched Video of the Year ly affect the already budget-conscious se\'ered ann and approximately 80 Award. UM system. Half of the budget is said swollen beak marks on various' parts The close running second "most­ to be funded by the long planned of his body. He is expected to m!lke a watched video': on YouTube.com is a MOHELA sale.

SUCKS, from page 5 --_._. __. - ..-'-._-_._------".- ---- But no, I have to have a job mak­ a lot of that around here lately, Why tromp into a polling place and stand ing money. can't the government stop those in line so I can vote. Puhlease. people, Speaking of money, there's just storms from hitting all·eady. I mean, I have better things to do with my not enough. There are so many things people need central air to survive. time than stand in a line. on the market I want to buy, but blast Next they'll be expecting me to be Like, why can't we just vote it all if my next-door neighbor does­ oxygen deprived too, online? Heck, why do we pave to n't have more of them than me. He's People can't survive without elec­ vote at all'l Civic responsibility my got the PS3 and I'm stuck with a tricity, dude. Like we can't use the' butt, some countries have it good lousy PS2, my iPod, wide screen TV, Intemet or cook food or watch VB] . where the government controls . Gameboy SP, Gamecube, wireless· without it. Get with the program peo­ everything and puts in who they lntemet, cell phone, XBox and ple, stop worrying about stupid want. Freedoql bites man, it makes Carrie FISher • JlJ~raz:zi PrillCIIS.; BlackBerry. I mean, owning electron­ things like Iraq filld address my you wait in line. ics is a basic human need like food power outages problems. Yeah, . America sucks and it's Crazed cream filled snacks attacked the North Campus Metro station earlier this week, The and I'm being shortchanged. Aild the govemment, man, now going downhill fast. Maybe I'll just snacks were angry because of the no food or drink rule on the Metro trains. Sam Jackson, sen· But then, electronics need elec­ that's just whacked up. They actually move to France, I hear they take ior, acting, exclaimed, "That's it! I've had it with these motherf&*"ing snacks on this moth· tricity'and it's sure notHke "ve've had expect me to get off my backside and August off to vacation. erf&"#ing Metro train." Well said, Sam, well said. www.thecurrentonline.com ICA[ STUDENT -YOU PAY YOUR DUES. WE'LL PAY YOUR TUITION. Join the Arm y's Medical Corps an d you can rece ive a one-to four-yea r sc holarship that provides full tuition, a monthly stipend of over $1,300 and 'reimbursement of most academic fees, courtesy of the Army Health Professions Scholarship Program. Plus, you'll receive:

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©2003. Paid for by the United States Army. All rights reserved, Page Fo-teen April 2, 2007 CLASSIFIED ADS I'M BURNING FOR YOU

Classified ads are free for studefJts, faculty and staff. To place an ad, please send your ad (40 words or less) your name, and student or employee number to thecurreflt@umsledu or call 516-5316 HELP WANTED

Attention College Students Part-time work . $12 base/appt. Flex. Schedu les. Customer sales/service. Scholarship opportupities. No experience GXP~«I{;MC!GA f~~H, necessary. Call : 314-997-7873 . . ' Great opportunity. Motivated students to assist National Honor Society in regis- . tering and acti~g as local officers. klGW TA~e ... 3.0 GPA required. Contad : 'f; VPDevelopment@phisi gmatheta.org

Earn $800-$3200 a month to drive brqnd new cars with ads placed on them. www.adcarkey.com

Wing Girl Wanted: Men want beautiful women but women want men who have beautiful women. I am looking for attradive, outgoing and . wonderful women to help me at'trad other women. I am looking for th e ulti­ mate wing girl to help 'carry on conversa­ tions with other wome.n in bars and clubs, social gatherings. Call 314-681-9198 for more info.

Servers Private Club in Clayton area has opening for Full and Part-time, A La Carte and ~anquet Servers for Lunch and Dinner shifts. Fax Resume to 314-994-0069 Attn: Lawrence FOR RENT

Rent or lease. Th ree bedroom, two and 1/2 bath, 2 car garage home. Graduate " AvPdLA~ TH~ ~ students or fa ~u lt y preferred. No pets. Six months old two story with basement . . located on cui de sac. Ten minutes from UMSL and 5 '11inutes from 270, 70, 170. Utilities sepa rate . $1 ,000 per month. • ~aea~ti~a ~o,a Student or Faculty, 3 bedrooms in Dellwood. Completely . furnished . Porch, carport, & patio . Rent (negotiable) $600. $300 deposit, last Saddam Wiseman • FdUor·m .lJee! months. I'm home weekends with two dogs (must !ove dogs). No smoking . no excessive drinking and no drugs of any The Yord, henchman for the chancellor, dumps gallon after gallon of gasoline on the kind. Call 314-524-4603 or 652-41 00 recently erected statue of Wayne Bad, DUMSL's founder. After pouring the gas, The Yord lit a match and ignited the fire and The Yord said, "let there be light." X63525 Sluaeni [J!f] SERVICES Sltten; Thank. you UMSL com munity for your i ' Something to sell? Attelltioll Transfer Sttldents!" business We have continued to service Room to rent? meet you r IT needs. Mak,e $10 per Ho~r Are you a transfer student? Have http://www.central-b.com The Current Classifieds Offe ri ng competitive. flexible solutions for , ORE! you been at UMSL for at least a everyday problems. or 516-5316 1877 878 6258 semester? Are you interested in WWW4Stu :ent-sitters .com informing prospective students _ about yourself and what being a'n , • • - j ...... ,.:. \, ..... r ...... t..< - F,n"h Hm. UMSL student is all about? If your answer is yes, yes, yes, then we, at the Office of Transfer Services, would like to interview you! ... Are you interested? Do you Contact Information: .. have any questions? If so, please contact us or come Phone: (3l4) 516-4373 tJansierservic ums1.edu by 225 MSC for more Hours: M: 4pm-6pm i~formation. T: 8 m-ll am to J F: 9am-Ipm

U.S. Cellular® gets me ... $0 I can always get the score.

~ One rne di~rn 1.to!>ping I>i ill! ¥ & ij 20 oz. bottle of Co~

Team Handball Badminton Volleyball Date: 3/15 Date: 3/10 Time: Thurs 630.9pm Date: 419 Time: sat 10am-1plT! Place: MT Gym Time: Mon 63G-9pm Place: MT Gym Sign up by: 3/8 Place: Mt Gym Sign up by: ~4- One Gatd~n rl1!~h ~~Iad , Bl1!ad ~licks 3is Sign up by: 415 Division: Open Division: Open ..,", & 20 oz. bottle of Coke Division: M It W

Soccer Floor Hockey 'Bingo Nite Date: 3114-511 Time: Wed 63Q.9pm Date: 413-5/1 Time: Tues " Thurs 630.9pm Date: 4112 Place: MT Gym Time: Thurs 1·10pm Sign up by: 318 Place: MT Gym Sign up by: 3/22 Place: South Provincial HOuse Division: Coed Division: Coed Sign up by: Just· be there Division: Open' AP ril2 ,' 2007 mtc ~tagnant Page Quince

Check"

MAXIMO PREDICTS Horoscopes for April 2' - April 8

Aries March 21-Apri119

You're so pretty, I predict you'll be in a beauty contest . "Bridges falling down, killer pumpkin eaters, blil!d mice this week and win. I love your with carving knives ... I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMOREl" pretty hair, my, oh my, you look thin today.

Taurus King Crossword April 20-May 20 "Nut'n But the. FunkMis drawn by Current cartoonist Doody. ACROSS Every day this week you will 1 PC be happy and things will go . alternative your way. It will be wonderiul 4 Mandible and you will be so very happy. 7 Peacock's' pride Gemini May 21-June 27 11 Fanzine topiC 13 Biblical suffix You're going to be happy 14 Music lover'S every day this week, too. As a setup bonus you will have so much 15 Siamese' fun that you will think you're 16 Halloween in Disneyland playing shout Candyland. 17 -Otherwise 18 Second­ Cancer largest June 22-July 22 of the 50 20 In.digent I love you, whenever I see you 22 Wrigley the birds begin to sing. And . ·SconeboroughMis drawn by Current cartoonist Trouty McPants. product they aren't just any birds they 24 Easily are the cutest, wuzzleyest little influenced . brown birds on earth. You're 50 28 NightWear special to me. Shakeia's flair &alo" by Sherry Holman ' Sick Feeling" 32 Sorrow 58 Needle Mexico ·29 Writer ~~------.~------, holder 8 Have a bug Kingsley 33 Eastern big LeQ 59 Household 9 Conditjons 30 Jazzy style HURRY UP AND wig July 23-Aug. 22 critters 10 Tell tales 31 "Mayday!" UNLOCK THE DOOR, 34 Burst 60 Afternoon 12 It's between 35 Little boxer? I GOT TO THROW 36 Clinton's I might love Fruit Loops, but veep social tne U.S. and 38 Drag behind not as much as people will 37 Competitor 61 Moment Canada 40 Greek love you this week. You're so 39 Highest­ 19 Total consonants neat. ranking DOWN 21 See 44- 42 On the level 41 Handy C ~tc e '5 ale! Across 45 ' ChallElflge Virgo 43 Actress 2 Li niment 23 Treasure- 47 - and crafts Aug. 23-Sepr. 22 Zadora target hunt help 48 Libertine 44 On in years 3 Wheedle 25 Lotion 49 Grand story I wish I were you, you're so 46 Entrap 4 One of the additive 50 Rock-concert cool. You're cooler than the 50 MPs' quarry Bushes 26 Standard gear ice-cold lemonade I would 53 Hiatus 5 On 27 Genealogy 51 Teeny bring to you if I saw you out in 55 Let fall 6 War cry chart 52 Bran provider , . the hot summer heat. 56 Repast 7 It's between 28 Llamas' 54 Shell game the U.S. and home need ; - 57 Rage Libra I e 2007 King F"",u re. ynd._l Jlc. Sept. HOct. 22

. You're 50 nice and you smell MS hakeia's Hair Salon" is drawn by Current cartoonist Shakeia Sparkle. so pretty. Just like the pretty fiowers I predict I am going to pick for you and give you just WEEKLY STAG - DO ~ KU for being my friend. Scorpio by Your Mom Oct. 23 - Nov. 21 That... It is going to be a splendid week for you because you're so "All restrooms on campus will be 8 9 5 2 6 3 4 1 7 splendid. Why you're probably the kindest, friendliest, most dosed on April 1st thru April 3rd 2 4 3 8 7 1 9 5 6 fantastical person in. the world. due to the need to freshen them Sagittarius Nov. 22 - Dec. 27 up a bit!" 7 6 1 5 9 4 8 3 2 Each day ending in "y" is going to be super-duper for Vice Provo$t Coon~od apologized 6 3 " 9 7 2 8 5 4 1 you this week. Sagittarian.s are my most favoritest people for a~y inconvenience this may ever ! They are so smart and i cuddley. cause! 4 1 7 3 6 2 8 9 Capricorn 5 2 8 4 1 9 7 6 3 Dec. 22 -Jan. 19 I see lots of sunshine and happy magical things in your 3 7 2 1 4 5 6 9 8 future. Your teeth are very clean. They sparkle like lovely "What is the Senate Committee on 1 5 6 9 8 2 3 7 4 diamonds. Student Affairs?" Aquarius & 9 8 4 6 3 7 1 2 5 Jan. 20 - Feb. 78 "What do they do?" You're my best friend and I'm not dating your mom. DIFFICULTY THIS WEEK:. * ** Pisces Feb. 79 - March 20 *Easy as your mom * * Easy as your mom when she's not drunk I got a gift certificate to Red Judi Linville, we just wanted to tell you ... Lobste r. I want to take you there * * * Don't even try! You'll lust hurt yourself. for dinner because you're snazzy. I predict you will go Place a number in the empty boxes so that each row, each with me and we will have lots column and each small 9-box square contains .. _ of fun. You are a- dino-mite .advisor! oh who am I kidding? The missing number is 5. Just a put the DISCLAIMER: number 5 in the only empty space on the board. Seriously, it's We thought Maximo was not that hard. Don't questio[1 me_ missing, but Maximo discov­ I know what I'm talking about. I'm your mom. ered the joys of Prozac and We love you! went to a playground to swing for the entire week. We're going to hide his happy pills and make this happy crap stop. By the way, we wanted to have This week's Sudoku has been a story in this issue where the replaced by a Stag-do-ku, which is Riverpup Was miSSing. When he WiJ;> found someone was also . much easier for DUMSL students to going to find the Hell Bender solve. The crossword puzzle has been that has been missing for a few years. They would have both . 1Che ([urrrnt . left unaltered for you smart people. been found at a middle-aged piua guy's house. But someone told us that idea was bad. Page 16 Candles 'mlr ~mgnant April 2, 2007

IN YOUR FACE, Jrompage3

DUMSL students have mixed feel­ ings about the new building. Libby E. Raj, senior, Clinton studies, said she is all in favor of the new degree program. • "I'm glad," she said. "I mean, , c'mon, it's nOt like it's really life, is it? They're just embryos, a bunch of cells. You don't hear outrage over people studying amoebas or parameciums do you? You never hear these right to lif­ ers bitching about testing on animals, do you?" However, there are members of the DUMSLcornIDunity who are outraged over GDrge's decision. Maggie McPreachy, sophomore, religious studies and member of www.every­ dumslstudentcom, said the research is destruction of life and should be out~ lawed. "Let's make one thing very clear here," McPreachy said. "Just because there aren't lungs, a heart, a bruin, kid­ neys, a liver, bones, skin, eyes, ears, or thought does not mean the embryos aren't alive." When a.$:ed about why no right-to­ life groups do not raise the atrocity flag when animal testing is conducting, McPreachy said there is 'a distinction. "We are for protecting life," she said. "So long as it is human life. The rest 'of them ... oh well. God didn't love them enough to create .them as humans."

IMPS, from page 5

Apart from the Irish imps, climate creationists have found other sources for climate change besides human activity. '''Breath of Heck' is the real source of warmer temperatures," Cranky said, citing evidence for devil-based mis­ chief. Lesser imps were blamed for tornadoes and demons. were faulted for increasingly powerful hurricanes, said the faith~ba.sed &:ientist. Oimate creationists vowed to con­ tinue the search for more devils, ' demons and mythological creatures that might be causing the illusion of global warrning. "We're going after tree nymphs and water sprites next," Crank.-y said.

VIAGRA, from page 1

"Study and maybe get a 'C,' or U.S. Ce/lula~ gets me ... take 15 minutes and get an 'A.' You and I'm usually a hard person to get. tell me." • A federal investigation bas been launched meant to look into the pro­ Here's the plan that gets me gram. Ken Starr, the mall notorious everythmg I need: for trying to bend President Bill ,Clinton over a barrel, has been • First month FREE ($49.99 thereBfter) named chief investigator.' Take our best network challenge, "TIris program was wrong on so • 1000 Anytime Minutes for $49.99 test our products, experience our many levels," Starr said . • I mean, • Unlimited CALL ME Minutes!c customer service and make sure c'mon, if you are going to do it for they are right fo r you. DUMSL, do it for everyone. I am a • Unlimited Night & Weekend Minutes guest lecturer at a university, for cry­ starting at 7 p.m. ing out loud. Where's my fun?" • FREE Incoming Text Messages DUMSL Chancellor Tommy Gorge said the program started out • FREE Incoming Picture Messages ~ US. Cellular. with good intentions, but thanks to . We connect with you; greed, has become a mess. "The plan originally was aimed to . make our married professors happier Check out the with their home lives," Gorge said. "My wife has been thrilled with it. ALL NEW get..,sc;com Unfortunately, som!! people ran wild Devin with it and abused their posts. Some Oklahoma 1-888-buy-uscc people just hlJ,ve to ruin things for the Motorola Sliver RAZR rest of us." . ,In an effort to reduce the problem, . . . Express Scripts is offering free morn­ ing after pills for those who get frisky ~ith their professors. It is a stop-gap effort to curb the problem. However, Mobile AIM" application is a separate to those already impregnated by their service requiring separate set·up. professors, Prozac said she eould only offer solace. ora "ill '.\I" ...... )«1 "",W "'lW''' ten .... .,,,,, ,,,,",,'c/ $,v.\flii'U~.gou: '.)sr- .~.. "'''''''''"ol!t]a:I.' ""~:EJrr.,..lfl.;' .. ~ 'nm.~r.:q,,,,,,. S30~. lw $1~ ''''''·''''lr.r&-lJBr... ftrJ(IoIlcol ~~ "Well, look at it this way," she ;r:'a~ WI Rm MonIh Access DlSIcbn Mealglng ltIiOIiSI1..'iC~i4'Dil£'Jj1m1:nl1.sl!1J fill.I'i1re.V~IUt 'MiIlt';(1r ~am"Jla<'l!. Yru "",l~~IUIl<"-""'!~""'~"";W!Yr.'P..~."'/"" . ""J : 'J I>t"!'rC>l·~~ll.,p.~'sf.'!i' ~ lIf~"""" ;js.~t,.cv.~Itt~I.n"''''..:iIJlS T~Me98agiJIg ~:ro-~.ro~We·Hes ~OOl1tel~!!lI ~~aa;!ir:mt.e u W,))( PJ~'1Il'/IilrffllOOO!l'f.< (a;"... IIlI!ItI',,;r

• Celebrating 40 years of covering UMSL 1Che [urrent news, featu~es, sports and e~tertafnment ..

• 4