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THE FINALS

Written by

Carina Cain

Carina Cain [email protected] +1 (650) 269-2484

THE FINALS “Merger” 2. A mockumentary that follows a group of NBA stars who must inexplicably cohabit an office space, a 9-5 dynamic made even more complex by the upcoming playoffs.

COLD OPEN

FADE IN: ​ INT.BASIC CORPORATE OFFICE. DAYTIME.

Players are at their desks, doing nonsensical tasks. Dwight Howard stands at the copy machine, staring blankly as he waits for copies to print. looks at the office clock, which reads 3:00 pm, looks into the camera, and sighs. At his desk, Klay Thompson clicks through photos of his dog on his computer. Lebron James glares at his desk-mate, , who is furiously bouncing a pocket-sized in one hand and typing with the other. Shaq is falling asleep by the water jug. Patrick Beverly is watching him. Suddenly--a loud thud from the manager’s office. Everyone turns toward the noise. The camera finds a crack through the office blinds and reveals…

INT.MANAGER’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Stephen A. Smith is on the phone, brow furrowed. He locks eyes with the camera, then quickly turns away.

STEPHEN I have to tell them? Why do I have to tell them?

MUFFLED VOICE ON PHONE Because you’re the regional manager, Stephen.

Stephen swivels back around, looks into the camera. He has been reminded of his position of power and is now self-assured. He nods with confidence.

STEPHEN (to camera) I am the regional manager. Yes. I’ll do it ​ ​ now.

Stephen slams the phone down.

INT. MAIN OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

THE FINALS “Merger” 3. STEPHEN (yells from inside his office) Dwight I need to see you in my office immediately!

Dwight, who has returned from the copy machine to the secretarial desk by Stephen’s office, looks confused, and locks eyes with LeBron James. LeBron shrugs.

INT. STEPHEN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Dwight opens Stephen’s door. He closes it and stands there expectantly, waiting. Stephen stares at him intensely. Dwight clears his throat.

DWIGHT You called?

STEPHEN (confidently) Yes, that’s true. I did.

Beat. Stephen looks away.

DWIGHT Do you need help with your tie again?

Stephen self-consciously straightens his tie and frowns.

STEPHEN (defensively) No. And that was just the one time.

Beat. Dwight shifts uncomfortably.

DWIGHT Do you need me to help you draft an apology tweet?

Stephen ignores him, sighs. Dwight crosses his arms.

STEPHEN Before I say anything else, I just want you to know that I’m not trying to be the bad guy THE FINALS “Merger” 4. here. Frankly, I always try to think of myself as the good guy.

Dwight looks at the camera pointedly.

STEPHEN (CONT.) So, just know that this is very difficult for me to say to you, and that I’ve done everything I could. But my hands are tied. Corporate sent the word down today.

Dwight looks at the camera, slightly panicked now.

DWIGHT What’s going on? Am I being let go? Traded?

STEPHEN Oh no! God, no! Nothing like that.

Beat.

STEPHEN (quickly, not making eye contact) But I do need you to tell everyone that we’re being merged. As delicately as possible.

DWIGHT What?

STEPHEN (dramatically, into camera) We’re being merged. The Easterners are coming.

END OF COLD OPEN

INT. OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM - SAME DAY

It is mild chaos. Everyone is talking over each other. There are chairs set up, but nobody is sitting down, except for Shaq. He is close to falling asleep. Klay Thompson mills about in the corner, eating a Cup O’ Noodles. Patrick Beverly and Kawhi Leonard are standing together, talking.

THE FINALS “Merger” 5. PATRICK You know who’s coming, right? Because of the merger?

KAWHI No.

PATRICK .

KAWHI (emotionless) Oh, okay.

Kawhi looks at the camera, dead inside, and leaves the room just as Stephen, who is obviously flustered, enters.

STEPHEN (loudly, with panic) Okay, everyone! Let’s all settle down, please.

LEBRON What’s going on, Stephen? Is it true that we’re being merged? With the East, no less? ​ ​

Beat. STEPHEN (letting out a breath) It’s true.

Everyone groans and protests loudly. Shaq jerks awake in his seat, disoriented. Klay does not look upset. The camera finds Patrick, who is typing into his phone. The text is for Kawhi and reads, “R U ok? Pls respond.”

KLAY TALKING HEAD

KLAY Am I upset? No. I’ve been told that it’s almost physically impossible for me to be upset by anything. Besides, I’m not even playing in the Finals, so this really doesn’t affect me.

THE FINALS “Merger” 6. Klay pats his injured knee, and stretches out in the chair, crossing his arms behind his head. He is very relaxed.

PRODUCER'S VOICE (from offscreen) If you’re not playing this season, why are you here?

KLAY (thoughtfully) That’s a great question, my guy. You could ask Shaq the same thing. But, really, I think the better question is why are any of us ​ ​ here, on this tiny blue and green gumdrop we call Earth? (to camera) Why?

INT. THE CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Stephen futilely tries to retain order, grabbing a chair and standing on it.

STEPHEN (yelling) Okay, listen. I know this is jarring news, but there’s nothing we can do. The deal is done, and now we have to deal with...what’s been done. Remember when KD signed with the Warriors? This can’t be worse than that. ​ ​ Right?

KLAY (from corner) I’d argue that went the opposite of worse.

LEBRON (accusatory) You’re deflecting, Stephen. DWIGHT Yeah, Stephen, why is this happening?

STEPHEN (on tiptoes on chair and exasperated) Unity is marketable, that’s why.

THE FINALS “Merger” 7. SHAQ (from his seat amongst the standing players) You know what’s marketable? Rivalry. And testosterone.

STEPHEN (even more irritated) I only take marketing advice from people who can shoot over 40% from the foul line.

SHAQ (playing into Stephen’s irritation) Well, then you obviously didn’t come up with this new marketing plan on your own, did you?

The room goes silent. Stephen stands fuming on his chair. Then--uproar. Stephen launches himself at Shaq, who is now mildly amused. James Harden and Lebron catch Stephen in mid-air and try to restrain him as he flails. Klay is laughing and eating. Patrick helplessly observes, then types urgently on his phone again. Stephen is yelling indiscriminately. Shaq could care less.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE OFFICE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

A chair comes flying out of the fifth-floor window, landing inches from a group of NBA players who have just arrived via an expensive-looking bus in the parking lot. , Kyle Lowry, Tacko Fall, , D’Angelo Russell, and all look up at the now glassless window.

KYRIE (shaking his head) Typical.

KEVIN And they ask me why I left.

END