My Recovery: Under Construction

October 25, 2016

Today is my 8th day at the VA Rehab Program. I’ve just showered after running/walking for 4 miles. I can tell you I nearly broke down in tears out there because I was nally free (as in, out of jail last Monday free) to engage in it.

This is my rst Treatment Program for treating my , and I am about to turn 53, so this is all new to me. As is this Blog I started last Wednesday, for MY wellness. Side note: many of my spiritual posts, New Age stuff, etc. I saved from a previous New Age site from many years ago. But one thing I can tell you for sure, I am under some heavy construction!

I didn’t realize just how much I have let go until I booked all the doctor’s appointments! Alcoholism takes more than your mind, it takes your body and soul (soul is an entire other universe for today).

I can’t tell you how happy I was seeing the Optometrist and a Podiatrist in the same day. I’m happy to report that my vision has only gone down slightly in two years, and my two big toenails were well attended to-bastards. Oh, and I made a Dermatology appointment to see about reversing the effects of aging on my precious skin, hahaha. No, seriously, I’m just now starting to wrinkle, not good!

I actually spent a lot of time walking while I was in Jail. So, unlike many of the guys here, weight-wise I lost 25lbs. I would like to get from the 225 moderate muscle tone, to 200 and good muscle tone now. To sum up: my body is well under construction, as is my mind. My spirit has been under construction with the Bible since jail 5 months ago. Nothing major really, you don’t have to lock up any children for gosh sakes. Today was another day sober, many steps forward, and my on ramps are shaping up nicely!

Oh, I forgot to add, I quit smoking and am taking a med to help with that, but off all other medications; the hell with it, might as well give up all the whole stinking mess! Right? Stay tuned…Namaste! My Recovery: Attitude of Gratitude

October 26, 2016

Today I will embrace an attitude of gratitude. I will be thankful for the food on my plate. I will be grateful for you who enter my life today.

I think too often we let life carry us on the breeze, and we often don’t “stop to smell the roses.” Well, at least that happens to me at times. Today, I will be grateful for the day, grateful for another day of .

I will be open to what others have to say. I will be a better listener than I was yesterday. I nd that when I pause the urge to talk, my interactions are so much more rich. I have to stop “waiting for my turn to talk.” That’s a symptom of my disease. There is room for more opinions than just my own today.

I will breath in the October air and relish the Fall of Earth. It’s sights, sounds, scents. I will live in the moment and just be today. I will direct my attention towards gratitude, for the day, not just the moment… My Recovery: AA And Me

October 26, 2016

I just came from another VA Group–see About Me for a quick background on me–and it has generated some new thoughts I may have towards .

According to their website:

Alcoholics Anonymous is an international fellowship of men and women who have had a drinking problem. It is non- professional, self-supporting, multiracial, apolitical, and available almost everywhere. There are no age or education requirements. Membership is open to anyone who wants to do something about his or her drinking problem.

Well, to be brief, I was always turned off by different aspects of different meetings. Some seemed like English Class (Big Book Meetings), while others seemed to drone on endlessly while a Speaker told me how they had made it to sobriety (Speaker or Solutions Meeting.) They had all these different slogans that, at rst glance, seemed corny:

Live and Let Live It Works If You Work It Suffering Is Optional Easy Does It First Things First Keep Coming Back To name just a few. But today, I realized that I was looking at AA all wrong: I was JUDGING, I wasn’t READY to become sober, I lost EMPATHY for the drunk at the podium, and I just didn’t “Buy Into It.” I realize that it could be me up there, talking about how my life as an alcoholic has been, and how I am trying to keep my sobriety every precious day. I realized that perhaps I could actually benet from being in the audience, and perhaps one day be telling my story (which, I understand, is therapeutic in and of itself).

So, I have decided to attend a meeting this weekend and give it another shot. Because isn’t it about giving me another shot when it comes right down to it? And in group I did learn that AA has the highest success rate of any aftercare program, so that grabbed my attention too!

Stay tuned… My Recovery: I’m Onto Someone

October 29, 2016

My thoughts about my life these past 5 months as I walked/jogged around the large pond today:

In Jail: I threw away the booze and found spirituality.

In Treatment: (currently) I crushed my last pack of cigarettes and I’m nding wellness.

At the Pond: I’m throwing away resentments, guilt, shame, hatred, etc. and I’m nding resolution.

And I’m onto Someone whom I thought was thrown away so long ago: Myself! What a nd! My Recovery: I Murdered Grief, I Slaughtered Rage

November 1, 2016

In one of my groups here at the VA Treatment Center today, the topic was grief. Not just grief for a lost loved one, but grief over many things in life that might have contributed to my alcoholism and my lack of appropriate coping skills.

As I sat there I drifted to my grief of the past 2 1/2 years or so; I was grieving over the loss of myself in that spiraling relationship. Day in and day out, relentless in its destruction. I was constantly reminded of my shortcomings, inadequacies, injustices, etc. If it had to do with who I was, what I was, how I was, she suffocated it to death.

Just two examples: She would rant that it was my fault my brother died because I let him take one more trip with his sled. when she had no clue what she was talking about. She blamed me for the abuse I suffered, telling me I probably enjoyed it. Crushing.

My grief danced a dance of death with daily rage, disintegrating my will to be present. My drinking matched my rage, which really was grief in disguise. My self evaporated and went into full retreat, replaced instead with a body and a bottle.

Well now I have myself back. I took it back almost the instant I left. I took it back with a vengeance. I haven’t had a drink since. I let go. I resolved my pain. I became the slayer of grief and rage. I murdered my grief. I slaughtered my rage. Strong words, but strong foes. What was lost is now found. This man’s cycle of addiction is broken. I rmly believe that someway, somehow, we all must face the grief that is terrifying our minds or hearts. We must do everything that is within our power to defeat it. Easier said I know, but don’t let grief put one of your feet in the grave. Fight with all your might; be the death of grief, or grief will be the death of you… My Recovery: I Blog Therefore I Live

November 3, 2016

My recovery is just that, mine! So many folks have their say about what is going to work and what is not. Let me share with you now that I am on solid footing, the ground is not unsteady because I am not on a predened path of Recovery.

To be sure, much of my recovery centers around my blog and the ones that sustain me. Writing, if honest, is a powerful antidote to the stupidities we encumber ourselves with.

I have no delusions that merely writing and reading blog posts is going to keep me sober. However, immersing myself in my reality, and the realities of many of you in the blogging community, so strengthens me, that ‘bl