Achieving Sobriety: A Narrative Investigation of Women, Identity, and Relationships by Cara T. Mackie A dissertation submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy Department of Communication College of Arts and Sciences University of South Florida Major Professor: Arthur P. Bochner, Ph.D. Carolyn Ellis, Ph.D. Stacy Holman Jones, Ph.D. James Cavendish, Ph.D. Linda Chamberlain, Psy.D. Date of Approval: October 19, 2007 Keywords: alcoholism, autoethnography, intimacy, recovery, storytelling © Copyright 2007, Cara T. Mackie Dedication To my advisor, teacher, and mentor, Dr. Arthur P. Bochner. Thank you for all your support and encouragement. To my committee members, Dr. Carolyn Ellis, Dr. Stacy Holman Jones, Dr. James Cavendish, and Dr. Linda Chamberlain. Thank you for guiding me through this process. Thank you Linda for helping me discover the beauty of a sober life. To all my close friends, who provided me feedback and insight along the way. To Christopher Derry and Elizabeth McCoy, who are amazing partners and great friends. To Mom, Dad, Duncan Ian, Felicia, Vern, and Grandparents. Thank you for always being there, no matter what. To my niece, Nicole. May you grow to be a confident, strong, beautiful woman. To the brave participants who shared with me their life stories and gave me the courage to complete this project. Thank you. Table of Contents Abstract iv Prologue 1 Chapter 1: Introduction 4 Chapter 2: Review of Literature 12 Background 12 A call for sobriety 12 Getting sober 15 Speaking of Alcohol 24 Alcohol and memory 24 Defining alcoholism 26 Some characteristics of alcoholics 27 Speaking of Abstinence 29 Abstinence as treatment 29 Transformation and sobriety 32 Living sober as a life narrative 35 Language, social construction, and communication 39 Speaking of Other: Relational Dimensions of Sobriety 41 Self and other 41 The interpersonal 42 Sobriety and love 46 Her Body 52 The addicted body 52 The recovering body 54 Chapter 3: Multiple Representations of Women Alcoholics 59 The Memoir 60 The alcoholic story 60 A void 61 The Storyline 65 Jean Kirkpatrick: A way out 65 Caroline Knapp: A dysfunctional romance 72 Koren Zailckas: A young female’s view 82 A Drinking Life: Comparing Stories 91 i A relationship with the self 91 Appearance: She is a together woman 94 Together: She is not 95 Relationships 97 A woman’s drinking life: Men, chaos, blackouts 101 Learning about femininity 105 Stories of resolution 108 Chapter 4: Methods and Modes of Representation 112 A Call for Narratives 112 Choosing women 112 Participants 113 Nicole 113 Alex 114 Janet 115 Gathering Stories 116 In-depth interactive interviews 116 Setting 118 Emergent themes and questions 119 Transcription 121 Narrative Representation 122 The story 122 Creating each story 123 Voice and form 124 Chapter 5: Nicole: Looking Back to Move Forward 127 I Drank 130 Blackout 134 My Drinking Self 135 The only self 135 I’m not like him 137 This is real 143 You Have to Keep Moving 145 Chapter 6: Alex (and I): Learning to Like Yourself (Ourselves) 155 The Beginning 156 Remembering 156 If only… 161 Using 165 One More Try 167 Enough is Enough 172 Trying to Live Sober 181 Finding Sobriety 189 Is This Me? 197 ii Chapter 7: Janet: This is Our Problem and Our Choice 201 The First Time 203 Father 205 My Last Hooray 207 Ten Years 212 Sobriety is Hard 217 AA 219 Moving forward 221 Relationships 222 You Don’t Know Why 224 Drinking Matters 226 Reality 229 Chapter 8: Discussion 233 Nicole: Shame and Self Contempt 235 Alex: I was Ashamed, but Now I am Proud 238 Janet: You Just Have to Live 242 The Seduction of a Drinking Life 246 Contradictions and Fantasies 247 The meaning of fun 247 Escape 250 ‘Normal drinking’ 251 Turning Points 252 Who am I? What do I Want? 256 Relationships 258 Friends and family 258 National Communication Association Convention 261 Intimate partners 262 Halloween 264 Identity and Sobriety 267 Metaphors and Language 270 Phases of Sobriety and Changes in Language 273 Empowerment and Choice 276 Summary and Conclusions 278 Reflections 282 References 291 About the Author End Page iii Achieving Sobriety: A Narrative Investigation of Women, Identity, and Relationships Cara T. Mackie ABSTRACT In this dissertation, I explore the question of how women alcoholics achieve sobriety. Using narrative inquiry, I focus on the identity transformation that must occur in order to maintain sobriety and how a drinking self is deconstructed and reconstructed as a sober self. Today, alcoholism is still viewed as stigmatizing in our society and in all Western cultures. The stigma of alcoholism makes it difficult for alcoholics to communicate their experiences to people who have not had similar experiences. However, storytelling in the presence of supportive people has been shown to be a prominent factor in the process of recovery for women and men. Over a period of a year, three women and I shared and reconstructed our experiences of living an alcoholic life, comparing and contrasting that life to our experiences we went through as we struggled to achieve sobriety. I elicited and listened to stories of drinking experiences, family, dating, turning points, and commitment to creating a sober lifestyle. I also reviewed and analyzed the stories told in memoirs written by three alcoholic women. Through narrative, my participants and I made sense of why drinking was central to our lives and how our life stories were reconstructed and reframed as we tried to achieve sobriety. Our stories challenge the canonical narrative of the alcoholic, providing iv multiple perspectives on these issues and giving voice to such silenced experiences as how to cope with shyness, the self-defeating thought process associated with the contradictions inherent in a drinking life, the turning points that can inspire women to give up drinking for good, and the relational consequences of committing to sobriety. The experiences shared in the stories told by these women give texture and depth to our understanding of the lived experiences of women alcoholics and the road they must travel to achieve self-respect and self-love through sobriety. v Prologue This dissertation began with my own quest to imagine a narrative of sobriety that could provide a foundation for living a sober life. While enrolled in a Ph.D. seminar entitled Narrative Inquiry, I was asked to read and present a report on Arthur Frank’s (1995) book, The Wounded Storyteller. At the time, I was still abusing alcohol, but I also was searching for a different life, one that would allow me to develop a more complete and prideful self. As I read through the chapters of his book, I found myself in Frank’s (1995) definition of a quest story (p. 115). I wanted to be what Frank (1995) called “a communicative body,” one no longer silenced. I began, hesitantly at first, to write my story of alcohol abuse, hoping to move into a new body free of shame that I could comfortably exist in and trust. When I gave my presentation, I shared my own wounds candidly. For the first time, I detailed my history of alcohol abuse, grief, and fear to an audience of my peers. I felt exposed, but also encouraged and proud. I began to search for other stories of women and alcohol. I wanted to validate my experience and to know that I wasn’t alone. I found Carolyn Knapp’s (1996) Drinking: A Love Story memoir. This was the only text that helped and consoled me, while I was coming to terms with the idea that I had to quit drinking. I was using alcohol for every social interaction; I had been in multiple drinking-related car accidents; I felt guilty about drinking too much; I tried to slow down and drink only one or two drinks. Then, I tried to quit altogether, but after three months convinced myself that drinking wasn’t the 1 problem. I blacked out almost every time I drank. I couldn’t have just one drink. I was becoming violent when I drank and sad the morning after. I hated myself. After attending a birthday party, where I was planning on just stopping by, but ended up blacking out and drinking all night, I laid in bed hung-over. Years of drinking flashed before me, my body shaking, head pounding, eyes blood shot. I started to wonder how this could happen. How could I stop by for one drink, then end up so wasted that I blacked out and stayed out all night? It didn’t make sense to me. I knew that my drinking wasn’t normal. These experiences would continue to happen, if I didn’t do something-- and soon. During the next year (2003), I committed myself to sobriety and began to feel empowered, enlightened, and encouraged. However, four months into sobriety, I found myself confused, crying all the time and depressed. I didn’t know what was happening. A friend gave me the number of a support group on campus that she had attended for three years. This was an open group, dealing with general issues related to post-adolescent struggles. After making the call, I was referred to a Friends and Family of Alcoholics group. I started to attend this support group and found out that I needed the support and help of others who had similar experiences to help me make sense of my past. This was a rough time, and drinking sometimes seemed like a better alternative. Fortunately, I began individual counseling, where I was able to go deeper into what alcohol did to and for me.