2 3 4 INNARDS - Unit 20 Legion of Mad Caddies p. 15 Vancouver is hosting their first “all-ages” show with arrival of the Fat Tour 2003 this Sunday, March Fat Tour 2003 2nd. According to the management, if things go well, we could see more [email protected] Wanted: Cute all-ages shows at the legion. Let’s hope so, ‘cause goddamn this town John Ford p. 9 Ramones-esque early 20-something needs a new all-ages venue that isn’t a cement box or residentially locat- female, who looks good straddling a drum kit. And if you can ed. keep a beat, even better. Local all-girl sex-kitten-punk band, The Ministry p. 11 Rumours, is currently holding auditions for a new drummer. If you’re - Ever wondered what ever happened to those prolific punkers from interested in the job, email [email protected] Edmonton, SNFU? Yah, well, neither did we. Until now that is. It was Al Jourgenson In the mean time, Chuckie from Chinatown is filling in to keep the beat, recently been brought to Nerve’s attention that Chi Pig has managed to but he doesn’t look nearly as hot in a ragged asymmetrical mini jean pull himself away from Wrestlemania reruns long enough to start anoth- skirt. er project, SLAVECO., a band that is a little bit more rock than Chi’s Ultimate Fighter II p. 20 previous gig. But don’t worry, it’s still punk and yes, Chi still wears - Speaking of Chinatown, many concerned smut-rock fans have been tights. writing in wondering why they never see Hotwire and Chinatown Bad Art for You p. 7 appear on the same bill. This, despite the undeniable similarities in their - Expect to see indie-rockers All State Champion showcasing their delivery of over-the-top-raunch ‘n’ roll. That, and the fact that the bands emotionally charged, radio-friendly, sensitive (but-not-sappy) music all COLUMNS clearly use the same hairdresser and shop at the same ultra-cool thrift over town this month. Lead singer, Dan Sioui, (he’s the Britpop-type shops. Mystery solved. They never share the same stage for the same hottie who always looks like he’s on the verge of tears) is currently nego- reason Latoya and Michael are never interviewed together... they’re one tiating with Sonic Unyon Records for a three-album deal. You can show in the same. Hotwire officially changed its name to Chinatown last your support for Vancouver’s next greatest chart-topping export at the Tex and Dex p. 26 October because they thought the name sounded too much like a hair- Brickyard on March 8th or at the Pic on March 9th. Finally... an event Hopelessness p. 17 metal band and there was the little matter of another band in L.A with the where a man can sport his canvas utility pouch as an over-the-shoulder- same name. For more proof that Hotwire shares the same genetic make- emo purse and not be embarrassed. Civixen p. 6 up as Chinatown, check out the Brickyard on March 15 and see for your- self. - In response to the first Cheap Shotz hate mail: Hey, nobody’s denying Ridin’ Shotgun p. 21 the Walkerband’s punk rock lineage. The point of that particular It’s Rainin’ Men p. 27 - Word on the S.T.R.E.E.T.S. is that they are getting their first ‘tape cas- Cheap Shot was that John Ford rocks. I say this with utmost profes- sette only’ release, Worms, pressed to CD this month and released on sionalism and objectivity. Furthermore, I resent the implication that John Skate Spot p. 21 Teenage Rampage. Their long awaited new album, Bo Bo Gnar Gnar, Ford has any influence into what gets published in Nerve Magazine. If Skate Menace p. 20 coming out on Global Symphonic, is due around the first week of March you’re suggesting that I have some sort of bias towards John Ford (and as well (the vinyl for Bo Bo Gnar Gnar was apparently released Feb. I think you are), you couldn’t be further from the truth. Just because I’m 18th). best friends with Ford guitarist Rich Hope’s girlfriend, that in no way effects how much press they get here at the Nerve (see page 9 for an SECTIONS - Two tall cans in the air to The Royal’s ‘talent booker’ Paul for having exclusive John Ford interview) and just because I have a huge crush on the guts to bring in the fire-breathing, chainsaw-wielding, stripper-sup- Ford drummer Adrian Mack, that in no way skews my judgment of their porting 10-piece traveling trashfest known as Toronto’s White Cowbell new album (which incidentally kicks ass). And as far as flipping through Straight 8 p. 22 Oklahoma. I’m pretty sure they violated (in all senses of the word) a our lowly rag on the Cobalt shitter, I feel obligated to inform you that good half-dozen by-laws during their set but, alas, the show went on… you missed last call by three months. The Cobalt has been closed since Live Wires p. 16 oh, and congrats to the redheaded dame who survived the cock November. tease… you earned that cock rag. Off the record p. 19 Sarah Rowland Fashion p. 13 B.C. Damsgaard Puzzles and Comics p. 24 Alt F4 (Games) p. 24

THE NERVE HIT SQUAD Nelson The Cleaner (a/k/a Cover Design) This month’s Band Slut was one of the founding members of the Hard Rock Miners, before going King Pin (a/k/a Editor-In-Chief) Of the Month Saturnin on to play with the Molestics and more recently, Royal Grand Prix. He serves as Tommy Lee to Bradley C. Damsgaard Advertising (a/k/a Fire Insurance) several local motley crews, including alt. country dollface, Carolyn Mark and twang trio the Be Lady Godiva (a/k/a Music Editor) Carlos Leone, Brad Damsgaard Good Tanyas (with whom he is current- Sarah Rowland Father Gary (a/k/a Visual Arts Editor) The Nerve is published monthly by The Nerve ly touring the UK). In his spare time, he Jason Ainsworth Magazine Ltd. The opinions expressed by the writ - Shotgun (a/k/a Film Editor) devises secret initiation rituals for the ers and artist s do not necessarily reflect those of Bjorn Olson The Nerve Magazine or its editors... but of ten do. staff of the Railway Club. Friend of the Family (a/k/a Adult Content Editor) First publishing right s only are property of T h e Jason Wertman (If I told you more, we’d have to kill Nerve Magazine cause we have no desire to own Knuckles (a/k/a Guest Editor) you. The Nerve does not accept responsibility for you.) Aaron Eccles content in advertisement s. The Nerve reserves the right to refuse any advertisement or submission The Getaway Driver (a/k/a Production Manager) and accepts no responsibility for unsolicited manu - First person to guess this Band Slut’s full Pierre Lortie script s, artwork or women. Copyright 2003 name (his nickname isn’t enough) will Map and Details (a/k/a Art Director) Saturnin probably win some shit. The Henchmen (a/k/a Design & Graphics) bandslut2thenervemagazine.com Pierre Lortie, Saturnin, B. Damage CHANGE OF ADDRESS!! W ise Guy (a/k/a Illustrator) Send Everything to: Mike O 508 - 825 Granville St. Vancouver, B.C. The Muscle (a/k/a Staff Writers) V6Z 1K9 Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Mike O, Jeff Oliver , 604.734.1611 Elizabeth Nolan, addict, Casey Bourque, Sinister w w w.thenervemagazine.com Sam, Leather Twatson, Adler Floyd, Aaronoid, Dmidtrui Otis, Angela Fama, Billy Hopeless, Dave [email protected] Crusty, Vanessa Samson, Emily Kendy, Dennis [email protected] Regan, D-Rock and Miss Kim, Niki Graham, Jenni

5 Screw Shining — It’s Our Time to DRINK, Candidate City! Bad Art...

Rather than bore you with the nip- I have no interest in the pre-pack- the Pulitzer Prize-calibre Buzzer, sure that all #22 users get to take it ple-hardening details of my now aged Cinderella story of some limited late night bus service is up the hoop equally. How modern. mercifully active romantic life (not plucky young curler from Moose scheduled for re-introduction later Maybe they can buy us some nice quite Sex and the City so much as Jaw, I’d like it if the city wasn’t this year, and the band of spineless pushcarts or coal-fired locomo- 69ing in the 604), I’ve found a quite so cavalier about siphoning jackals that commands all things tives to alleviate traffic in time for couple of ripe political melons for off all its public funds just so Bev transit has decided, in its infinite the Doughlympics. you to do with what you will. & Wayne from Tallahassee can wisdom, to charge your drunk ass We had a Bad Art party at my house. What Stuff them down your shirt, heave buy cheap figure skating sou- a whopping dollar more for the And Finally was sort of funny after one beer, (oil paint- them off your roof, get into fights venirs. Hell, I enjoy a little hock- privilege of not getting home dead. How I hate you, Gordon ings of hockey players, optical illusions of with them when you’re drunk ey and a few triple lutzes from The little unelected bitches… who Campbell, because on top of donuts) became straight up comedy after a (ever read Rubyfruit Jungle?) … time to time myself, but I’d also the hell do they think they are kid- everything, your drunk-driving forty of Jim Beam. The watercolour of a mother cougar and her cubs overlooking Politics, like soft fruit, should be a like my library to stay open all ding? Mayor Bozo is lucky he has- bust got all the Puritans whining Castlegar airport caused quite the stir; a nau- sticky business. At least there are year, I’d like my parks to have n’t already been dragged bobbing about responsible drinking again. tical painting of a sea captain with dispropor- health benefits — even the plants in them, and I’ve got this through the water behind the 6 Speaking as one who always takes tionately big hands made everyone scream so swarthiest pirate can be cured of crazy hankering to actually be able p.m. Seabus as penance for last pains to be responsible for drink- hard the neighbors complained. scurvy. to get places on public transit with- year’s strike. The clown deserves ing every thing that’s put in front Kind of lame, though, hey? Laughing at bad art is what people do when in the same day. Let’s hope they at to go down. of me, I hate you for undoubtedly they are unable or too chicken shit to make Let’s All Ride the Bid Corp least freshen the message as the setting back the cause of 4 a.m. their own. Irony gets tired after a while, Gravy Train event draws nearer – if I have to The Number of the Least closings and relaxed booze laws, which is why people still periodically go out The votes are in and it looks like listen to that bloody “watch how What really steams my dim sum is just when we all really need a and buy Tom Waits records, or read it’s going to be our turn to fucking brightly we shine” song one more the everyday reality of living on good, stiff drink. Suck my ass, Solzhenitzn, or spend a long time trying to take a good picture of their girlfriend when shine, whether we are ready or not. time, I’m going to burst into cere- the worst-served major bus route Suds… and that of the horse you she’s sleeping. I like winter sport as much as the monial flame… in Vancouver: the #22. This one rode in on, too. But why has sincerity taken such a next Nervette, but I’d sure be a lit- sucks so badly it’s inverted. It beating? And does it deserve it? Do we really tle more inclined to wave my big Drunks Pay More to Arrive chugs along from the seniors’ cen- Don’t miss the next column. I’ll need any more sincere art? 9/11 rock bal- foam finger if I knew I’d actually Alive tres of Kerrisdale to the seniors‘ give details of my first fan letter. lads? Geist magazine? We decided to find out. These, dear readers, are the results of the be able to reap any of what is being I know I sound like a broken centres of East Van, with pickups No shit! Nerve Magazine’s first annual Irony vs. sown over the next few years. Our record, but Translink head Doug throughout fleece-wrapped Sincerity survey. ruling co-Campbells, Suds and “Bozo” McCallum deserves to be Kitsilano, the Satan-worshipping Slappy, might have joined wonder booted repeatedly in his unsightly financial district and unsettlingly [email protected] #1-Porn twin powers to invite the world in gunt, and now I have a new reason. aromatic Chinatown. No respecter About four years ago, thanks to Hollywood 2010, but since I live here now and According to a recent edition of of persons, Translink has made and the Internet, porn became mainstream

6 it’s everywhere!!!! again. And, at the time, it was a refreshing lick night, to be objective. Poets, ack. The thing #3-Drinking go by. Is it possible to have an ironic haircut? in the ass. First, it was kind of a relief to know about poetry is that to be good, it has to be sin- And if so, is it so bad? Would you rather that we all weren’t perverts. Secondly, deep cere, and 99.9 per cent of the population is One day, one day very soon, the martini bar unwashed tree planter hair? French Canadian down, everyone in Canada secretly suspected unable to pluck the appropriate word out of will be over, and we will all heave a huge sigh squeegee heroin that we were better than Quebec, but was some- their brain to express that sincerity correctly. It of relief. All those well meaning frat kids and addict hair? Kits thing missing. What was it? Ah, yes. Tits! In the reminds me of the time after having sex with yuppies will go back to drinking wine coolers squash playing newspaper! On bus shelters! Up on billboards! my Japanese boyfriend, he leaned over and and light beer, and leave the rest of us in peace. beefcake hair? With that out of the way, we were free to mock whispered in Drinking isn’t fashion. Where do you think we No. It’s nice to eight month winters and 30 per cent unemploy- my ear, “Did live, New York? No! People drink to hurt them- see boys trying ment mercilessly. you have ecsta- selves and forget everything. They drink to again. But it’s over. Porn, in general, sy?” behave recklessly, get arrested, cry, fight, fuck belongs in two places; under your bed and Then and dance without the cold hand of reason Sincerity = 0 video stores with blacked out windows. It does again, people interrupting. James Bond has a lot to answer Irony = 1 not belong, for example, on my boss’s screen- who have actu- for. Do you think after eight White Russians saver. (What does he think I’m going to say? ally chosen a anyone can seamlessly slip into a wet suit and “Oh, Earl, you’re so urbane?”) The same thing profession drive a nuclear powered submarine? What we goes for strip clubs. The next time your which ranks up need is new fad. I think the ironic use of # 6-War boyfriend tries to talk you into going to see there some- cocaine should be encouraged, or maybe gas strippers because it’s cool, suggest calling up where between huffing. Wouldn’t that be great? Imagine a War. Mmm. Unfortunately, the ironic use of his mum and asking her to get naked, while you “harpsi- group of university engineering students per- war is often in bad taste, even if your intentions stuff cash down her Hanes Her Ways. How hot chordist” and manently unable to locate their lacrosse game. are good. My roommates, for example, were is that? “pedophile” (“Brad, is it in Kits, Brad? I’m scared.”) It’s irritated with the hoopla surrounding must get a fair chance. Think about it: no one is time to get these fools off our backs and out of September 11th so they held an Ironic Sincerity = 1 Irony = 0 ever going to scream “fag” and hurl a table at a our bars. That includes you, Mr. Hipster on East Anniversary party. The climactic moment civil servant. Hastings drinker. Leave those skids alone. came when the Twin Towers cake (complete So, at Starry Dynamo there was no with marzipan airplanes) was chopped up with laughing, no raised eyebrows, knowing Sincerity = 1 Irony = 0 a box cutter. There were lots of nervous smiles glances, elbows, quotation marks, etc. ( But and anxious coughs. Then again, the peaceniks really, don’t you fucking hate those “Yeah, Tom are also a little hard to stomach. Sometimes you wrote a short story about his ‘childhood’?”). #4-Music just want to lean over We in the audience were respectful, and digni- and rip off the “Food fied. Around nine, a bunch of For some reason, this Not Bombs” sign on young aspiring poets got up and one touches a nerve in the door of your local in somber tones commented on everyone. People seem organic store. Or at canoes, locks, families, Robson defensive and on edge, least pencil in your St., poverty, masturbation, tea- and their minds filled own version, like spoons, jewelry, cats, and the with doubt. (“God, is it “Food not Boobs” rain. Fine. Sure, most of it was possible to like Prince (feminist) or “Fags not pretty awful, but you have to and Beck?”) Perhaps Bombs” (queer) or give them credit for being so this is because the “Frogs not Bombs” goddamn brave, and remember, irony-sincerity lines (separatist). This might there was time when Anne are so blurred. Take work. We could possi- Carson and Phil Larkin used to the Americana-Alt- bly encourage people do that, too. Country revival. Sincere? In to come out and demonstrate, if it didn’t seem #2- Poetry. spades. What’s not to love about so touchy feely. “We’re having an El Fitr party! Sincerity = 1 Irony = 0 people who can actually harmo- Dress as your favourite Muslim! Prize for the Oh, brother. Let me tell you it was hard, walk- nize and play their own mandolin? Except after best chador!” etc. In Vancouver, at least, this ing into the Starry Dynamo Cafe on a Monday the fifteenth zillion strum und twang, it gets might not be necessary. In the last civic elec- pretty fucking boring. Likewise, Electroclash. tion, voter turnout was up 125%, and young It’s refreshing to see music being self con- people turned up in droves to canvass, stuff scious, getting a little arty. Everyone needs to envelopes and poll. There’s nothing funny shake their inner Euro sometimes. But admit it, about that at all. it’s a little unnerving. Especially when all the guitars seem to be made of plastic. So at Sincerity = 1 Irony = 0 moments like this, I like to think about what Stanley Fish said about Milton, the Devil and God. It’s neither! The joke is on you, music snobs, so just shut up and dance. Sincerity = 1 Irony = 1

#5 Haircuts My neighborhood is full of stylish 20-some- things who looked like they just walked out of the Jeffersons or Welcome Back Kotter. Especially the boys. What is up with their hair? Dax Wax and Foaming Mousse must be being shoplifted at an alarming rate if the sculpted mod shags and feathered wings are anything to

7 8 John Ford pumps new album full of lead From root s to rock, JF shoot s down any chance of being pigeonholed with Bullet s for Dreamers By Cowboy TexAss Tex: I’m here at the Anza Club with to play better. Adrian Mack and Rich Hope, drummer R: We’re way tighter now. and guitarist, respectively, of kick-ass A: It’s a natural process. You local rock outfit John Ford. speed up. Sometimes I wish we Adrian: Cue country music. would slow down. T: One half, the meat and potato, of John R: We wanted to re-record Ford. “Ocean”. It’s a slow melodic num- Rich: More like the potato and gravy. The ber, super popular when we play live, meat’s not here. and we re-recorded it for the record. We A: I think it’s the spine and the heart, actu- ended up with 13 or 14 really strong A: ally. songs. I can’t tell you, the last two months tain Is T: Chris is the meat? of trying to figure out what to leave off, it type of Rich R: Chris is the phallus, the exploding was absolutely the hardest part. We’ve music and Jones an ass- phallus. always been fans of records that hit you they play a cer- hole? T: Who is John Ford? really hard. It’s ten songs. You’re more tain kind of music, and R: He’s the biggest ass- R: Well, we are. likely to wanna play it again because it’s I take my hat off to anyone who hole I’ve ever met. You should see A: Us, and Rich Jones… short and sweet. That’s what I love about plays, but I just wonder at the inhibitions him. R: And Chris Read a vinyl LP. It’s short. So this is the stuff that Britney. A: A terrible bastard. one places on themselves by not explor- It’s as Britney as Britney is. T: But who the hell is John Ford? came out— the heavier rock. ing different things. I’ll fucking stand up R: He’s reduced it from four assholes to A: A one eyed, tall in the saddle, macho T: You seem to have gotten away from A: When I was a kid and listening to one big giant asshole (laughter). for anything. I’ll stand up for country. I’ll punk, the critical thing about it was film making motherfucker. being grouped under ‘alt-country’. stand up for blues. I’ll stand up for T: When you are writing, do you have to T: So you ARE named after the Western A: Only in the sense that I think we hope credibility. A band had to prove its credi- battle for each individual ego? Britney Spears. I’ll certainly stand up bility. That’s not really a part of the ethos director? to not be grouped at all… with anything, for Justin Timberlake, cuz he’s gorgeous. A: More like a battle for the last beer. It’s A: The man that pissed on John Wayne’s in anything. No matter what we do, I can anymore. Blink 182 and Sum 41 will actually surprisingly easy. R: We talked… you weren’t gonna say never be asked to prove their credibili- boots and got away with it. assure you that it will change again, cuz shit like that…. R: It’s not hard anymore. It was hard T: …but he made John Wayne. we’re music fans. We collectively become ty…. before. It was a battle for ego, but the ego T: (just then The Strokes come on the R: …nobody cares to ask. R: That’s why he got away with it excited about something, chase that for a radio) What do you think of these guys, the has landed. A: It’s a God’s only man kinda thing. It’s while, and then become excited about T: You’ve gained a Black Halo, Rich A: The ego has flown White Stripes, The Heaves, etc.? Jones. an appreciation of the artist, this difficult something else and chase that. Don’t be A: I’ll stand up for The Strokes cuz first of R: Paul had his songs, they were the way asshole. surprised if we come out with A: Amen. he wanted them and we, the [other] three all, Fab is gorgeous. T: Is he your official new member? R: The guy had a way of doing things: He a reggae T: What do you of us, really started gelling. Adrian can did the things his way, and thus created a A: We’re not sure. bring in a song, sing it to me, I’ll figure out think of the R: We haven’t heard from him since he way of doing things. timing the chords and Chris will add pyrotech- T: What about the hopeless cowboy, the “We haven’t just went to Europe. We hope he’s coming nics. He always wants it to explode, make outlaw heroes, his characters? Are said, ‘hey, let’s hang up our back for this tour, cuz we kinda need him. it faster. We started putting out a song a they you? A: He was a hired gun, no bones about it. week. We work really well. That’s why A: I think there is a lot of mytholo- cowboy boots and do this....’ We The thing that surprised us about him is this record sounds more focused than the gy around John Ford and all of it is still listen to country. It is an that… his contribution was huge. He was last one. We learned to write better togeth- appropriate. It informs what we do. umbrella that we just got sad- clearly excited about it. He didn’t just er. R: He’s a representative for what we show up and play... he ended up writing as A: It’s become a much more automatic dled with early on.” well. That was really cool. I don’t think do. of process. I realized that in the studio. When T: You lost a member a while back. Has any of us were banking on that. the producer needed a new lyric… -Rich Hope your R: We just wanted someone else in the there been a new music direction since new release, T: Gordie Johnson? then? record mix. I mean, we coulda just left it to me R: Yeah. a very rock album, to play both guitars, and then you’d have A: I don’t know if the music took a new in a year. after the buzz of these ‘nouveau rock’ A: ...he’d just dispatch someone, whoever direction so much as it became less com- R: Anything could happen. two Rich Hopes on it... and it’s just more was available, me, Rich, Chris, to write bands? interesting to have somebody else come in plex. Paul contributed a certain dynamic, A: That’s all we’re pursuing, an evolving A: It’s completely deliberate. We’re something and he knew he could rely on a certain sound, and a certain melodic idea interest. I don’t really think of us as musi- and put something different in it. He put any one of us to come up with something absolutely aware of that. his own stamp on a lot of stuff. He’s real- to the band. He took it with him and it has- cians, so much as people that listen to R: That stuff we said about country that was gonna work. n’t been replaced. I think what you have music. We’re music fans first and fore- ly great. R: Or somebody telling him to “go to hell, before... we dropped it like a hot potato T: The Black Halos were a very radio is a more stripped down version of what most.… and changed the record (laughs). that’s the lyric.” I think that’s what he liked we had before. R: When I met the guys, I was struck by friendly band. Do you think Rich brought about working with us… if we really felt A: Our management said that… it’s the those pop sensibilities with him? R: It’s really quite similar to when the how rock n’ roll the band was… but we crest of a wave; we had to put something strongly about something, we weren’t Stones lost Brian Jones… only he died. It got co-opted by the alt-country communi- A: As a matter of fact, yeah. He brought a gonna let Johnson or anybody tell us what out fast. This album was made really, real- lot of ideas, which I hesitate to call gim- wasn’t so much ‘OK, let’s replace this ty in a way. They had the pedal steel play- ly quickly. to do. guy,’ cuz we can’t replace this guy. Paul er before. That’s gone, and we really start- micky, but have a real sense of fun about T: So he had limited input? T: Is it a wave, just a buzz or is it more a them. I got excited about that. I wanted was a great guitar player. Three of the ed to put a lot of rock songs in our set. The musical climate? A: No, he had unlimited input. But we members of the band were pulling in a last song on the new album, “Burn more sense of fun on this album. also had veto. R: I think it’s all three. R: I think that it’s important to recognize direction that I don’t think he was super Away”, has been in our set for five years. A: I think it might be a proto-zeitgeist. R: He’ll do what’s right for the song. He happy with. The point is, we got another A: That’s a big thing about us now and that we’ve all developed more of a pop has the uncanny knack for knowing the 10 R: From what I can tell, it’s almost a ‘not- sensibility from our years of writing…. guitar player and it’s melded with the rest three years ago— that we can now play real’ buzz. These ‘rock’ bands aren’t sell- per cent that’s missing from a song when of the band, just in a different way. the songs we wanted to play back then. Paul had a huge pop sense too, but his you have the 90 per cent, and a knack for ing all that well. None of them have gone wasn’t in line with ours; whereas, Jones’ T: But your sound and direction HAS R: I listen to our record and I’m surprised gold in the States, considering how much saying, “if you do it this way, you’ll sound changed. The melodic country, the honky at how much people thought it was ‘alt is. like them, them or them, but if you do it press they get. A: He has a really un-expectant gay tonk— it’s gone on your new CD. country’. I don’t hear that much of that, T: It is a buzz, the sheer fact that we’re this way, you’ll sound like you.” He A: Throughout our history our sound has aside from a few really country tracks. Britpop thing…. helped us make a record that sounds cohe- using their names in the discussion of rock R: Adrian’s got a kindred spirit in Jones. changed pretty much on a weekly basis. T: It’s an umbrella term. music.… sive and like us. R: When you listen to the first record, R: It is… and a lot of people look at us and They’re both from England… We’ve got T: Is John Ford staying in Vancouver? R: It’s riding a wave of credibility. They a separate compartment in the van for there was a lot of country there, but there go ‘oh, they’ve gone in a completely dif- may not be selling that many records but R: Hell yeah, why would we want to go was a lot of rock, too. We just got more ferent direction’. We haven’t just said, them now… a big Union Jack around the anywhere else? they certainly are getting attention. back seat and they just sit back there and into playing the rock, really. ‘hey, let’s hang up our cowboy boots and A: I don’t think sales is really a measure of T: More opportunity in Toronto, your A: The difference between the two do this....’We still listen to country. It is an giggle like school girls. label, management, etc.? a band’s importance. What matters is how T: You were asked once about the differ- albums is that the first represents what we umbrella that we just got saddled with much people are talking about them. A R: Sure, there might be some other oppor- could play at the time. We were much early on. ence between your solo project and John tunities out there, but I don’t want to put all band’s impact is not defined by their Ford and replied, “There’s four assholes more of a mid-tempo band three years A: I think there’s an implicit belief in this music anymore. The idea of pop… is sell- our eggs in the Canadian basket. Besides, ago. I couldn’t play that well and I’ve got- band that you must dig everything. If in John Ford and only one asshole in my there’s nowhere to skate out there, and ing a lifestyle. band.” ten a little better and faster, and I’ve been you’re honestly wondering about the R: That certainly explains the popularity we’ve got the beach. forced to catch up to them. If you listen to mystery of music, then experience as A: How many times has this come up? T: What’s your goal as a band? How far of mall punk. They all write the same (Laughs) the first album, we tried to be heavier and much of it as you possibly can. Have no melody… what’s punk about that? Look is John Ford going? faster… prejudices. It shocks me when I talk to R: The greatest thing I’ve ever said. at how they sell Avril Lavigne… that lat- T: Does this guy fit the mold? Does he fit R: …but we just couldn’t pull it off. other musicians in this city and they’re est single? That isn’t punk. That isn’t anti- A: The bottom line is we’ve learned how not open to other things. They like a cer- in? see John Ford on p. 27

9 10 MIN-MIN-

IsaacIsaac TheThe NerveNerve s s alksalks toto

AlAl JourgensenJourgensen tt would ancouverancouver Canucks,Canucks, andloveand to do that. My only problem is the rest of the TerpstraTerpstra aboutabout thethe newnew album,album, blowingblowingMinistry? band… I’m not afraidupup of doing it. I Menstrual! want to do it. But the rest of the This new album - I’ve listened to it guys are afraid I’d wipe out and take tourtour buses,buses, thethe VV guess. a whole bunch in the last couple of them with me. I hate talking to days. It totally kicks ass. It’s got an Is Ministry coming to Vancouver? you guys! [still laughing] Absolutely. I know we’re in Seattle edge and a feel more like some of th hours What more than anything, really the older albums like Psalm 69 and on the 15 of April, so somewhere Johnny Cash.starting from you pisses you off? around there for sure. Johnny Cash. Mind is a Terrible Thing to Taste... hanging up the phone? Incompetence. And mediocrity. I A lot of people are saying this is I know you’ve been up here [laughs] Well, for starters, a plane think they’re tied. almost like Psalm 70 – the follow up before… I think it was at the By Coliseum. What do you guys think ISAAC TERPSTRA: that doesn’t crash or get bombed. OK, prioritize this list: Sex, drugs, to 69. That would be nice. I’m a horrible music, money. Everyone is saying Ministry is of Vancouver? I love Vancouver. I spent two Four years since their last full flyer, so yeah, that’s my main con- Ahhhh – music first, sex second, ‘back.’ What do you have to say cern today… a plane that can fly. money third, drugs fourth. I mean, I about this? months up there producing the length release or new material, You’ve had bad experiences with don’t even do drugs any more. And I didn’t know we were away! Skinny Puppy album Rabies and I Ministry has just unleashed their planes? money comes and goes. Money is There are three symbols from sepa- loved it up there. My wife’s from ninth studio album, I’ve had two emergency landings in just this concept that people spend so rate religions on the cover of the there. I hate your hockey team Animositisomina, and it is a stomp- my life and been arrested coming off much time on. I’ve had my parents album gracing the face of a dead though! I’m a Blackhawks fan. a plane for smoking. So yeah, I’ve be millionaires when I was a kid, Fair enough. At least this year ing return to the blistering aggres - sheep. Are you personally part of had my battles. then go bankrupt. I was a rich per- any organized religion yourself? we’re providing some opposition. siveness, wailing walls of sound That leads pretty nicely into our son, then in poverty. I’ve had my No, I’m a very spiritual person, but I Damn good this year, yes! Great and irreverence that have deci - next question. Do you have a crim- records sell a shit load, and then all have no organized connections. first line. Wow! Todd Bertuzzi is mated audiences for over two inal record? of a sudden not sell the next record. There’s got to be tour plans support- one of my favourite players. Do you find there’s any difference decades. Ministry and it s many Do I have a criminal record? You know, so it goes up and down. ing the album, I’m guessing. Yes. You just learn not to worry about it. There sure are! We do a warm-up playing Canada, U.S., Europe, and side project s have touched down Is the Pope Catholic? It’s always feast or famine. show here on the 16th in El Paso, the rest of the world? Or is there a in multiple genres ranging from What’s the most bizarre thing that Yup. Texas, because that’s where we’re universal reaction? Is it different dance to alternative rock to indus - you pulled off that you should have If it could be absolutely anything in rehearsing, at the studio, where we from place to place? trial to met al and were an integral gotten busted for, but weren’t? the world, what would be the three made the album. That’s why we’re Well, the main difference is that I Ah – we blew up our tour bus. best presents that you could ever don’t have to scramble around to get part of the now legendary Wax back here in the desert. Then it’s [laughs] hope to receive from anybody? kind of a weird routing… we go a satellite dish for the bus to watch T rax record label and the industrial And got away with it? That’s a tough one. I’d have to say - from El Paso to Amsterdam and then hockey games because you guys explosion in the early and mid Well, yeah, the cops came up and the it may sound corny - but tranquility, do Europe for a couple of weeks, and have it on all the time up there! But 90s. bus was pulled over – it was going Always experimenting in down the road when we blew it up “All these artists are so afraid because of their little royalties the studio, Ministry’s last few albums and the bus driver was screaming at have charted new territory for the us and he called the cops. The thing and bullshit. I love anarchy... peace and anarchy. Those are my group, whereas Animositisomina was on fire and the cops – it was in returns to a sound more reminiscent Texas, actually, of all places, and two favourite dichotomies.” of classic albums like Psalm 69 and these Texas rangers, state troopers, The Mind is a Terrible Thing to came up and I thought, “Aw shit - Al Jourgensen Taste. we’re goin’ to jail.” But they just came up and they both had chewing then back to the States where we start Ministry’s notorious front th as far as the fans go, no, it’s the man, Al Jourgensen, has also pub- tobacco in their mouth and they did a from someone that makes me calm March 7 in Buffalo. We’ll be doing big spit and looked at the bus on fire. down because I’m a hyper sort, love Canada too. same. licly gone clean and sober. Far from Are the Revolting Cocks ever going slowing down, after over a dozen There were all these coloured flames of course, and animals. Give me a Of the new songs off of the album, because it had set off a pyrotechnic in puppy or a kitten or a baby bird or a which song are you most looking to rise again? tours and years of inspiring scores of Oh yeah. We’ve got six songs imitators, the man behind Ministry, the bus, you know, like one that was baby parrot or something like that forward to playing live? supposed to look like a pirate ship in and I’m happy as hell. I love ani- Probably the first cut, “Animosity”. recorded for a new record already. Lard, the Revolting Cocks and scads We’re in the process of doing that, of side projects, along with long-time the sky, except we lit it off in the bus. mals! That’s what we’re going to open the It was one of those things like you Really? You have some pets then show with. It’s a barn burner! and we’ve got a new Lard record too. band mate Paul Barker, has returned We’ve got our fingers on the three- to write a new chapter in the hand- launch a mile offshore in the water obviously. It sure is! on the 4th of July. The cops just Oh yeah. I’ve got two Revolting We’re sounding pretty good on it headed monster – Ministry, Lard and book of sonic devastation with Cocks. Animositisomina. Al Jourgensen looked at all this coloured smoke and Cockatiels, two kittens and a dog. So right now. just looked at the bus driver scream- we’re set. Out of your prior material, what’s That’s pretty exciting! explains it simply as: “I got pissed [sarcastically] Yeah, we’re ‘back’ I off again!” ing “Put ‘em in jail, put ‘em in jail!” I’ve got a couple more warm-up the one song that gets requested the and the cop goes [puts on a think questions for you, and then we’ve most often that you’d be happy to guess! Far from being a cynical, Not just Ministry, but the whole she- jaded musician from a band which Southern drawl] ‘Well, whudja got some questions about the album. never play again? expect! This ain’t Mozart, this is If you and the rest of the guys in the Oh, easy. “Stigmata”. bang! … Twitch stands out from remains an icon to many people, all the rest of the Ministry albums in Jourgensen is refreshingly honest, to rock n’roll. Now get them boys back band were a pro-wrestling team, Really? That’s a #1 request? on that bus, put out that fire and get what would all your names be? Yeah, I’m really sick of that song. a totally unique way. Are there any the point, and above all, quite sincere plans to ever make music in that in his drive to simply make good outta here.’ Well, Buck Satan for me of course. [laughs] And you got the heck outta Texas? And Paul would be the Pink Anvil. If you could have any prop, or pull ‘vein’ again? goddamn music... and he’s also one We just wing it. Whatever happens, hell of a fun guy. Fast! And that’s basically Ministry. Who off any stunt imaginable on stage Do you have any main vices or else … after the tour I’ll have names unlimited by budget, technology, happens when we go into the studio. extravagances? for them. How’s that? legality, good taste, whatever, what I mean, I may do a bluegrass record OK. It’s Al Jourgensen’s perfect next. You never know. world. It’s been made according to Right now my only vice is press. Everyone has a pet name for their would it be? your every desire. How would your [laughing] band. What’s your pet name for To do a ramp jump with a bike, Evil Press? All right, that’s a good one I perfect morning go for the next 6 Knievel style, on to the stage. I see Ministry on p. 27

11 Catch the Canucks in all their glory @ 340 Cambie, Vancouver 604-602-0644

12 Fashion... Nerve Style A true story by Niki Graham Angela Wiebe: Before the bad I’ve always been inexplicably drawn to anything involving Eleanor Owst: Well before the bad dangerous boys, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll. If it seemed even slightly dangerous, yeah, I craved it. All of this has done lit- tle for me, really, except earn me a stint in rehab… so I had to give it up. But when it was suggested I take a “good” girl and maker her “bad”, I became as excited as an adolescent boy who accidentally grazes up against the fuzz of an angora sweater. Most of the women in my life are slowly creeping upon the age of powersuits and expensive eye-creams… not girls, but not yet cougars. So I had to branch out from my inner-circle to find someone truly good. Ever since I taught my best friend in grade nine how to eat a banana without using her teeth, I’ve had a knack for corrupting sweet young darlings. Although, not to give the wrong impression, to this day she thanks me for that lesson. But the girls in these photos, Angela Wiebe, 19, and Eleanor Owst, 20, are genuinely “good” girls. Angela lives with her parents in Richmond. Church and bible study are integral parts of her life. When I asked Angela if she does anything bad, she paused for a long time…… “I have a Bellini every now and then.” Eleanor lives with her family in Kerrisdale. She is an English major at UBC. She works at an upscale clothing store for older clientele. But perhaps the greatest testimony to Eleanor’s goodness was her ability to stay away from illicit substances while growing up in Chilliwack. Once, during her adolescence, Eleanor went to the mall with some friends. To her dismay she discovered the girls planned to shoplift. She was outraged and caught the next bus home. So, I blasted Funhouse, packed on the make-up, tore through several closets, cracked open the Wild Turkey and let the BAD times roll. All of this, however, was in vain because when the girls tried to be bad and look mean… the best they could do was pout. I mean, what was I to do, force them? Hmmm…. Photos: Lillie Louise

13 14 MM aadd CC aaddddi S till skankin ieess ...but not ska?

n these times of eco- nomic uncertainty, downsiz- Iing is the operative word for industry sustainability and ska bands are no exception. then Santa Barbara’s Mad and we’re kind of glad that Caddies have cut back from an we never did get really big back then octet in their formidable begin- because all the bands that were big are nings in the mid-90s to a sextet. totally gone now. There was this big And with each passing album, the backlash that like ‘ska sucks,’” says core group lays off another band Robertson. “We did get kind of pigeon- mate. Not even the horn section, holed for a while, but I feel like we’re which is so crucial for that distinct SoCal spunk than one interview, Robertson risked pissing off just now starting to, in the last few sound, has job security. Lead singer Chuck Fat Mike by saying how lukewarm he felt about years, show people that we’re not a ska band. We Robertson remembers the financial burden of it. Bold move when you consider that interviews can play ska, but we’re a band.” touring with eight musicians and a merch guy. are generally granted for the purpose of promot- The Caddies will also be headlining “It was pretty rough with no money,” ing. the upcoming Fat Wreck Chord’s showcase, Fat says Robertson from his home two days before “It’s easy to say it sucks now because Tour 2003. The bill includes two other heading out on a six-week North American tour. we can blame it in the guy who left,” he says, but Californian soft-core punk acts, Rise Against and “One less guy is one less mouth to feed on the then he recants and admits it had more to do with The Flipsides, as well as Vancouver’s Real road.” meeting deadlines. “No, it was more like we did- McKenzies. But the Caddies weren’t just losing out n’t get to take six months off to record a record. It “I’m a little nervous,” he says about on a bigger piece of the pie. Touring across was kinda like tour, tour, tour and then, ‘OK, you touring with The McKenzies, but he wouldn’t Canada and the US in the middle of summer with have a month to come home, write the new record elaborate except to say, “No comment.” nine guys who have limited access to laundry for and record it a month later.’” Perhaps the McKenzies’ reputation for their skankin’ ska skivvies, was also taking its toll In the past, most Caddies’ songs were being erratic, raunchy, rock ‘n’ roll rogues has on Robertson’s Ford Econoline. written almost in their entirety before heading preceded them all the way down to sunny shores “Oh my god, it still smells from that into the recording studio, but not all. of Santa Barbara. tour,” he recalls as he exhales smoke into the “There’s always been a few songs on “We’re all drunks, but we’re never out phone from a never-ending cigarette. the record where we just smoked a joint in prac- of control,” says Robertson about his own clan. These days Robertson can leave his tice and someone started playing a riff and it “We’re all pretty non-confrontational guys.” van at home. After spending years on the road and turned into a song,” he says. Although having to spend hours in a bar killing time before For this album, they worked collective- Robertson does admit sound check, the Caddies now have the luxury of ly during the writing process for almost every that his band mate touring in a fully loaded tour bus. Robertson track. Douglas did not, in describes the bus as basically a little mobile living “This [record] was fact, knock out his room with a TV, a PlayStation and a couch. [a collective effort], two front teeth “It makes a huge difference for peace definitely. from reaming on of mind,” he says. “When you do the same thing his trumpet over- every day for five months, you don’t have a enthusiastically, place to call your home that’s actu- as stated on the ally comfortable to hang Caddies’ Web out in.” “At this point in my career,- Chuck I’m Robertson site. Hanging out “It’s a total lie,” together is something that confesses Robertson. “He’s been most of the Caddies have doing a bunch of interviews so I don’t know if been doing since playing in More he came clean about that or not. He’s one of bands in Santa Ynez Valley, barely makingrent andenough staylike, I’d money havefat.” a those guys to who pay can blackout and keep drink- a small town 30 miles out of part or Sascha would have ing.” Santa Barbara. Robertson, a part and then we’d kind of all It turns out that one night last guitarist Sascha Lazor, and come together and watch it grow and build it December, Douglas did a ‘butt-load’of shots and bassist Mark Iversen started together,” he says. “It definitely takes longer, but proceeded to attempt four or five stairs in one out as The Ivy League in early it’s been way better for the morale of the whole stride. Instead, he did a face a plant and used his 90s before becoming the Caddies in 1995. The band.” pearly ivories to break the fall. As a result, the current line-up also includes trombone player Ed The collaboration is obvious on first Caddies had to cancel a bunch of shows that Hernendez, trumpet player Keith Douglas and listen. The album has everything from Dixieland- month. drummer Brian Slennken. jazz infused spunk songs like “Villain” to more With help from some dentures, Before recording their latest album, straight up soft-core punk tunes such as they’re back on the road and doing quite well. Just One More, Robertson, Douglas, Derek the “Contraband”. Of course, the requisite ska tunes Robertson says the band has been getting a lot of merch guy and Lazor, who has since then moved are still present like “10 West.” And to kick things support for this album. But the 25-year-old out, rented a house on the edge of town and built off with a bang, song one is a reggae ballad? knows he’s still got a long way to go before he a jam/studio space. “You can blame Fat Mike for that… he can start living the life of a decadent rock star. “We bicker all the time,” says insisted,” says Robertson about “Drinking For”. That doesn’t stop him from overindulging, Robertson about spending so much quality time “We wanted to start off with a really hardcore though. together. “But nothing ever serious that can’t be punk rock song, but he was ‘let’s mess with peo- “At this point in my career, I’m bare- settled over a beer.” ple and start off with a super slow song… no one ly making enough money to pay rent and stay And as far as Robertson is concerned, ever does that.’” fat,” he says referring to his expensive and high eating, breathing, sleeping, jamming and record- They wisely chose to listen to the man caloric diet of beer, beer and more beer. “You ing under one roof has paid off for their fourth who signs their pay checks and who brought them can play one night and have a thousand people full-length. up from the Vans’ Warped Tour side stage in ’97 and play the next to 60, so you never know what “I’m really, really proud of it,” he says to the main stage this summer. the hell’s going on.” about their latest 15 song CD put out by Fat In retrospect, Robertson is happy that it When he says people, he means of the Wreck Chords. took them six years to climb their way to the top He can’t, however, say the same thing of the Warped roster. about their last record, Rock the Plank. In more “The whole ska thing was really big see Mad Caddies on p. 27...

15 s Zuckuss, Hoosegow re @ The Astoria Friday, Jan. 24, 2003 I I missed about half of Hoosegow’s set but I’ve Wi didn’t know seen them before and this time they played bet- much about the next ter than last. They’re from Victoria and play band- Toronto types -but they fast angry punk with a lot of rock ‘n’ rollish e promised degeneracy. Then all of a parts. The drummer of this band is Jay Brown sudden they came out and there were a from AWT. Apparently, I missed them cover thousand of them in the band! Holy SNFU’s “Cannibal Cafe”, but I’ve heard them shit, there were six or eight guitar play- play it before and it’s better than the original. Liv White ers! And the singer, he looked vicious. They finished their set with a wicked cover of He had a little cat walk thing and he Bad Brains’ “Pay To Cum”. During the Bad Cowbell sang and danced on it. They played Brains song, I was standing at the front with a songs, the usual things, and then some pitcher of beer in my hand and my notebook in Oklahoma, degeneracy started. Nudity appeared. the other and the woman I’m dating and her Dancing girl appeared with fleshies like friend were standing behind me with glasses of 80 Proof Yob a double softball. Writhed about, then beer in their hands as well. We were enjoying @ The Royal Hotel audience nudity happened, and then the song and our beer when some greasy haired February 7, 2003 they got a freaking chainsaw and cut up guy with a Minor Threat “Bottle Full of an animal simulacra, the room filled Bob Log III at the Pic Photo: Cowboy TexAss Violence” t-shirt came up and asked if we It was an early show and there was a desolate with smoke and stuffing. Then this wanted to mosh. We all said NO. Obviously period of waiting, a veil of sorrow, and then maniac girl in the audience got to be in Bob Log played mostly from his new this guy is from some kind of backwards world there was this really good band, 80 Proof the middle of a circle of band nudity, several album, astoundingly sounding like a full band, where “no” means “yes”. He came flying into Yob… ugly as a monkey’s ying and fronted by cocks made an appearance. Do you get it? with his whole body thrashing wildly as he me, spilling my beer all over my notes (one of a guy bearing a resemblance to Alan Jackson. Jason Ainsworth played. He was thoroughly entertaining, the hazards of this job). Then he smashed into Quality headwear and sleazy southern filth enough so that girls came up from the audience my date and her friend, cutting my girlfriend’s music. I’m white trash myself, and it was great and rode his knees like bucking broncos. I can mouth and smashing her friend’s glass. What to see the brothers doing it. It was exactly what Bob Log III, now honestly say I’ve seen it all. happened next was pretty crazy. My date I want in a rock show: sleaze-boogie south-fun Bebe and Serge? I arrived in time to punched this guy in the face and then threw her rock with no pretension. Then, Jesus Christ I Bebe and Serge see just them whipping each other on stage to beer at him. After that, my date and her friend couldn’t believe it, the singer unsheathed a full @ The Pic what sounded like a Thrill Kill Kult song, fol- left. I’d like to give that guy a bottle full of fifth of Wild Turkey, popped the cap, and Feb 9, 2003 lowed by karaoke sung along to a Tom Jones violence. But, of course, he’s someone I’ve passed the grainious treat amongst the audi- song. At first I thought I didn’t get it, that there never seen before or since. ence like Santa. You don’t get down home gen- Boob + Scotch = Log. I knew partly what to was some brilliant art behind what they were Zuckuss came on next with some real- erosity like that at a gay-rave-dancehall, no expect from the one-man band circus show doing and I was missing it. Then I realized that ly wicked tight grind/death. Too bad there way. The audience killed that bottle in three known as Bob Log III: wicked slide guitar there was nothing to get, it was just bad weren’t more people in the crowd, but appar- minutes. It was great. played by a motorcycle helmeted madman, and karaoke with bad choreography, and I didn’t ently there were some more boring bands play- There was little knickerbockering at breasts being clapped, exposed and possibly like it. ing elsewhere. The guy with the Minor Threat this point due to a lack of liquored patrons, but ‘Scotched’ as well. My curiosity over the Boob Cowboy TexAss t-shirt yelled something about how the VOX this wasn’t the band’s fault. OK, it was an early Scotch, a new invention by the scrawny, breast- sucked and everyone at my table (me included) show, and a sadly shortened set. There was obsessed southerner, was sated this evening by glared at him and started talking about how to nothing they could do about that. Don’t miss a brazen Amazonian who simply came up on Death Sentence, deal with him. He disappeared after that, the next show. What more can I say? I loved it. stage and dipped her breast in a glass of Scotch. which was good for him and I guess, good for SlAVECO. us— not that we would have hurt him in or Ten Days Late anywhere near the bar. If you’ve never seen @ The Astoria Zuckuss, they’ve got technical grindcore down Jan. 31, 2003 to a fine art, like super detailed paintings that have pictures within pictures. Not only that, but I remember about eight or nine years ago my one of the guitarists, Dengar, plays with his band was supposed to open for Ten Days Late middle finger sticking out all the time, and the in Victoria, but the Malahat Highway was too drummer, Boss Jass (last time I reviewed snowy for us to make it down from Nanaimo. Zuckuss, I made a mistake with his name and So this night was the first time I’d ever seen or called him Jesse) managed to puke six times heard TDL. And, well, now that I’ve seen during the set. Impressive. Zuckuss are a them… I don’t think I missed much back then. STAR WARS porno band lyrically, and if TDL are not my cup of tea. Syrupy sweet you’re either a STAR WARS nerd or a fan of female pop punk that’s slightly heavier than brutal music, then Zuckuss is one of the best Cub. They play really well, and they’ve been bands in the universe. around a long time, but yeah, not my thing. SLAVECO. are a new band fronted by Stefan Nevatie Chi Pig (ex-SNFU, The Wongs, etc.). SLAVECO. was a little more to my liking than TDL, but not as intense as I was hop- ing. SLAVECO. played semi-fast, semi- heavy punk type stuff. And, of course, they didn’t play any SNFU covers. Chi Pig still has the same signature voice, which still sounds fairly cool, but SLAVE- CO. lacked the energy I was hoping for. A little disappointing. And, of course, Death Sentence headlined the show. Death Sentence was on fire… way more intense and rocking than last time I saw them during the Festival of Guns in November. For any of you who aren’t familiar with Death Sentence, they’re fast, heavy, angry, semi- political punk with a little bit of metal thrown in. They played all their classics like “Fake”, “RCMP”, “Death Squad”, “Dawn of the Dead”, and “Live to Die” among others, as well as a kick-ass cover of Bad Brains’ “Sail On”. There was a large crowd and mosh pit and Dan Scum, Doug Donut and company did a kick-ass job. It’s nice to see an old classic band come back and still kick ass like this. Death Sentence stole the show and made the whole night totally worthwhile. Stefan Nevatie.

Division of Laura Lee Photo: Natalie

16 Well, my faithless readers, although I do have a few cards up my sleeve I think its more important to lay down a memorial to a queen in front of you jokers before I start pulling out aces! So here she is, lest you forget. Put on your Plasmatics albums, go rent Reform School Girls, grab a can of whipping cream and pay worship to the goddess of destruction Division known only as Wendy O. of Laura Williams! When she left, the world just seemed a Lee, whole lot safer. At the Burning time of her death, Brides, Wendy was resid- The Catheters ing in Storrs, @ Richard’s on Connecticut and Richards was working January 30, 2003 as an animal rehabilitator. May she always be remembered and The Catheters started the night off always missed. May 28, 1949 - Apr 6, 1998. right with some great shrieking and mic-lassoing rock ‘n’ roll. My only “The act of taking my own life is not something I complaint was that the singer spat a little am doing without a lot of thought. I don’t believe TOO much, but moving right along…. that people should take their own lives without Burning Brides inspired a two- deep and thoughtful reflection over a consider- word reaction: vein-popping! The 3-piece able period of time. I do believe strongly, how- alternated between toe-tappin’, catchy guitar strokin’ and head-noddin’ bluesy rawkin’, ever, that the right to do so is one of the most while singer Dimitri worked his neck veins to fundamental rights that anyone in a free soci- full potential and bassist Melanie, dwarfed by ety should have. For me much of the world her bass, played so madly it seemed her right makes no sense, but my feelings about what I arm was gonna rip off. Despite obvious talent, am doing ring loud and clear to an inner ear I slowly lost interest as their set progressed… and a place where there is no self, only calm even when Dimitri proudly announced an . Love always, Wendy.” upcoming tour with Audioslave. Oh, hooray. Soon it was time for Division of Laura Lee. I was mega curious to see these — Wendy O. Williams’ suicide note Swedes. For one: because they claim to be one of the best bands ever, and two: because see Live Wires on p. 18

17 their fan club of 16-year-old girls made up for on the bar. The metamorphosis from sissy soft could make finer distinctions. I couldn’t under- cont d from p. 16 their shortcomings. Lupus came on next and rockers to brash young rebels was a matter of stand what they were saying except they were started with a song about drinkin’, drugin’, and leaving the stage lights. yelling because the building was coming down. their press photos don’t try to represent them as fuckin’ and then a reggae song about killing Masters of the Universe didn’t have the It’s the soundtrack to doing a line of speed and some pretty band from Sweden. One of the cops and selling drugs. They then started in on same kind of quality. Four beat up looking guys enjoying your own car accident. And some- singers, Per, is a slightly heavier guy, and it was fatty Osborne (Ozzy’s daughter) and made fun set up their equipment and played heavy metal. times that is really good. Besides, Jay LeBlanc kind of disturbing when the band was setting of the whole Osborne TV show and continued Their guitarist was sporting a baseball cap and has done more than anyone for the punk scene up and his butt crack was visible on a number the set with songs about STDs, young girls, and baseball jersey draped with long fuzzy hair. in this city, so I will always support him and his of occasions. But later he danced around so more sick stories from their lives. The best part The guy made perfect sense. His look went many bands. Does that sound biased? Oh, sweetly, I caught myself giggling, “awwww!” a was that they managed to stay sober for their with the sound. The Masters of the Universe probably. couple times. set, which was a plus because they actually destroyed for about twelve people. They played Sidesixtyseven ripped, like always. The band was quite lively during stayed in tune. They’re a band that shouldn’t be all styles of metal showing they could handle Here is a useful guideline: if this band is on the their set but I think I’ll call their style “daintily missed (unless you’re some politically correct all kinds of sounds. The guys from Lazy Boy bill, it’s probably going to be a good show. thrashing”. It wasn’t so controlled as to look punk who can’t take a joke). mockingly bobbed their heads and held up their These guys demonstrate how if you get to the forced, but their rapid movements somehow Trezticuler Cancer fingers. If someone would mint them some point where your songs are so tight and you looked very relaxed. They were definitely balls, perhaps they could play as well. Near the play your instruments so well, you achieve a excited to be there. In fact, Per announced, end of the show, Masters of the Universe certain level where your style naturally takes “We’re Division of Laura Lee, from looked like they were on the verge of sacrific- over… instead of when you’re a little scrub still Gothenburg, Sweden”, three times. ing a virgin and all the guys from Lazy Boy trying to find it. Over the years I’ve seen these They started their set with their ener- Masters of the Universe started to tremble. guys put everything they had into playing tiny getic “We’ve Been Planning This for Years”. Lazy Boy Matt Whalley shows, illegal after-hours or in basements. They basically played all of their full-length, @ 303 Live They are punk rock in the perfect sense that Blackcity, and slipped a few new ones into the Thursday, Jan. 23, 2003 they will be very good for a long time without mix, but the crowd was the most active for the any measure of success and still only care band’s catchy first single, “Need to Get Some”. Rarely are acts so shockingly mismatched with S.T.R.E.E.T.S about the music. And that’s why we love them. D.O.L.L.’s encore consisted of a new song and each other. Lazy Boy came out first looking Plus, they’re all fucken hot. “Pretty Electric”. They finished off with “Wild like a boy band from the Canadian North. They Sidesixtyseven It was the Astoria so we borrowed and Crazy” and each member of the band left had a weak-looking lead singer with two Blem de la Blem some weapons and went outside for a cigarette. the stage one by one. They dramatically swung pierced ears, sandwiched between a bass play- And then up was S.T.R.E.E.T.S.. What can you their instruments around and tossed them care- er and guitarist that looked bewildered. Lazy Jak Uzi say about the great punk hope? It’s like watch- fully to not actually wreck them, but maybe to Boy played wholesome rock music that was @ The Astoria ing the children of the revolution—foam mesh, appear like they didn’t care if they did? reminiscent of Kashtin or Wave. After every February 8, 2003 mustaches, skateboards in the air, and attitude These guys definitely know what few songs, they mentioned whether or not the you deserve when you can do something well. they’re doing, but aren’t prepared to get flaky next song they were going to play was on one Some nights it’s worth it to sneak out, even Multi-layered guitar harmonies, complexly or all dolled up in order to portray a certain of their albums. It seemed like a faint attempt to when you’re under house arrest. This was a structured songs, and the sickest leads I’ve ever image. Good on ‘em! justify their music. These guys needed to be good cause: a benefit for V.I.S.P.A. heard. These guys can’t play a bad show. It Natalie Vermeer force fed Bruce La-Bruce films and Godz (Vancouver Indoor Skatepark Association). must’ve been what it was like watching Tony albums. Backstage people mumbled and heck- There were supposed to be petitions to sign, Alva skate in the seventies: knowing you were led as the lead singer said things like, “I didn’t but I think they got lost. You know how it is seeing something bigger than the show. It’s the get beat up last night.” It was fascinating to see with punk rockers and paperwork. sound of blood in the streets and underage girls these guys actually playing up the pathetic First up was Jak Uzi. I missed the set running wild. In case that doesn’t make enough Lupus angle. Throughout the entire performance, they completely, but everyone I asked said they sense, S.T.R.E.E.T.S. are so fucken good and Dirty Needles looked defeated and scared. Finally, when the were really good. Whaddaya want me to do? I that’s all that matters. @ the Astoria lead singer mumbled something about having didn’t see it! I’m all for absolute music, but It was a great show and everyone got ten minutes to go, someone in the back of the could there ever be a Jak band greater than really drunk and fucked up and had a good January 18, 2003 club screamed, “One more!” and they obeyed. Lummox? I want to see Merrick onstage, time. I sat there and thought about how if punk Lazy Boy packed up their gear and set- skull-fucking the front row and eating an rockers could deal with paperwork, we The Dirty Needles started the show with some tled in with their girlfriends at a table near the Eskimo pie! Why the hell don’t they play any- could’ve taken over the world by now. spastic rock ‘n’ roll. They had an entertaining bar. Over the noise of the club stereo you could more? Lummox! Lummox! T. Dawg set in which they somehow destroyed one of here them bragging and discussing the show. Anyway, next up was Blem de la their amps by dropping it down a set of stairs. All the confidence they lacked showed up like Blem, who have been around for a fuck of a Their bass player tried to induce himself to an acid rush. They looked delirious. Cigarettes long time and play that hardcore vomit on stage, but failed miserably. However, were sparked up and drink tickets were tossed death/black/thrash/speed metal. A better critic

18 Alcoholic White Trash since the early 80s and apparently are the to it… it’s like getting a lap dance and finding “Outta Key and Outta Time” “...stuff of underground punk legend.” Huh? out the stripper has wooden leg. Live at The SoundGarden What about Drunken Anti-Christ from San Matt Whalley Independent Deigo? “Music To Get Murdered By” (thanks Scooter) starts with a sample from Reservoir Sandman I have to say the cover artwork on this disc is Dogs, you know, the “ear part.” From there they The Long Ride Home nothing short of amazing. It’s black and white tear into “Shut the Fuck Up (Snitch)” and keep Loner Records joined photocopied paper with “Iron Maiden” font for going ball’s deep all the way to motherfuckin’ the band and how they “ignored his behaviours the title, a pentagram beside a “666” with an track 11. I was not the least bit surprised to learn Acoustic country/folk songs, sung from the like that of a mutant child, but over the years he inverted cross that says “Fuckin’ your mom”. these hombres intentionally run people over heart of a little white rapper from a Western hasn’t changed a bit, now people just go ‘hey, There’s no track listing, but Ratboy Roy man- while driving and stab people at video stores in Montana Indian reserve, occasionally interrupt- lets go see that band with the mutant child.’” ages to say the song titles between every song, their spare time. Seriously folks, if you have ed by scratching and loops. Some deeply mov- The whole thing brings back memories of my and even one title of a song that I’m still not even the slightest tendency for unchecked ing, some painfully dorky, the songs are all teenage years, cramming into somebody’s sure made it on to the disc. aggression, this will send you over the fucking rather honestly sung, punctuated by the kid’s mom’s car to see them play all ages shows out at Surprisingly, the sound on this disc is edge. The last time my girlfriend asked if her lack of vocal range, as most of the songs are the Selynn Hall. The canned ‘booing’ from the kick ass. They must have a wicked sound board jeans “make her ass look fat”, I punched her actually out of his vocal range. Not exception- audience looped throughout the video is a nice at the Sound Garden, everything is pretty clear right in the stomach. ally terrible at all. touch too. and distinguishable. For anyone who’s never While I.O.F. just isn’t my bag, I’m Cowboy TexAss Cowboy TexAss heard AWT, imagine fast heavy angry punk sure it would appeal to the camouflage cargo about drinking, drugs, fucking and having can- set. If you really want some punk rock, D.A.C. Since By Man Thee Michelle Gun Elephant cer, similar in some ways to stuff like the will show you fucking hardcore. They’ll hard- We Sing the Body Electric Rodeo Tandem Beat Specter Accused but not as heavy and with more rockish core your motherfuckin’ ass right into the pave- Revelation Records Alive Records elements… then mix in a bit of old SNFU, some ment. metal, etc. etc. If you don’t know what real Ricky Kasso Whenever I look at song titles on heavy metal “Well, let’s see what the “cool” kids in Japan hardcore punk sounds like by now, too bad for albums, I start to wonder if they’re derived from are listening to these days,” I thought to myself you. Contact [email protected] . Jett Brando Willams Burroughs’ cut-up method. Each album as I grabbed the new Thee Michelle Gun Stefan Nevatie. Jagged Junktion has different permutations of the same words all Elephant CD from the crammed Nerve review Go-kart Records trying to convey the hardness that lies in the box last week. I have heard the band before and all girl summer fun band grooves of the album. “Dead”, “Death”, had an idea of what to expect, but I must admit 2 Mr. Jeremy Winter, formerly of All Natural “Blood” and “Enemy” seem to be the standard they’ve improved a lot in a few years. I didn’t K Records Lemon and Lime Flavors, is the one-man musi- fare. It’s this kind of standardization of a genre think Japan had enough space for houses with a cal machine behind this release, his second solo that makes R&B and Metal so similar. Instead of garage, but somehow garage rock got over there. Remember when it was summer? Too drunk? album. All of the six songs on this EP start off saying, “Death or Decadence”, you can substi- These guys have CULT status in parts of North Want to remember when it was summer? Well, with small, pleasant riffs that are then overtaken tute it for, “The Boy’s No Good” and end up a America and I must admit this CD rocks hard. you’ll have to wait till April 22nd when the all by spacey echoes and chants. Almost like a dramatic shift in target audience. When genres If you can get past the snarly Japanese singing girl summer fun band releases this, their second male singer fronting Stereolab, but more astro- get so tight and constrained, you might as well (the only English is singer Yusuke Chiba album. It’s called 2. I think that’s because it is naut and less chanteuse. This album accom- start playing tunes from the Duke Ellington screaming MONA LISA!!! on track 8) there’s a their second record. Remember their first plishes everything it sets out to achieve, and is songbook… at least there wouldn’t be the illu- lot of good shit. They explore a real raunchy album? It is similar to this one, except they sing pleasant to listen to. The chances of me ever sion that these are actually new songs. blues influence as well as create some jazzy about different stuff and rearranged the three listening to it again are slim though, as I don’t Matt Whalley moments, a little rockabilly and then it rips back chords into different progressions. And in this smoke pot. into the garage. Nothing terribly new but pulled one they have this song called “jason lee” and Jenni Nelson Solace off very well by these boys from the main it’s about Jason Lee doing kick flips in their 13 island. Tracks 1,5 and 8 are my favorites. Tama dreams. I thought I was the only one! But seri- Midnight Creeps Meteor City Tama ski des? Watashi Wa Manku ski ka? ously: you’ve got to be an un-medicated closet Doomed From The Get Go Bakayaro! goth not to enjoy this. Rodent Popsickle I really wanted to give this disc a good review, Wes Regan Jenni Nelson but the more I listen to it, the more it bores me. I saw this act at the (in)famous CBGBS’s club Solace worships Black Sabbath, C.O.C., Throne of Chaos Derita Sisters while in New York City last summer. They blew Monster Magnet, and Soungarden without ques- Pervertigo The Great Satan my mind, playing a set of raunchy female front- tion. The problem is even if you like this stuff Spine Farm Records Trash 2001 ed Punk ‘n’ Roll that ended with a Motorhead this record will probably still put you to bed. It cover. The music on this disc lives up to what I has all the basics of a good doom/stoner kind of From a glance, it’s hard to tell what the hell this I’m told that these boys from Santa Barbara expected of their live performance. The produc- thing, but nothing all that memorable. Even with band would sound like. Bosch style satanic have been around for ten years now, so where tion is clean and that distracts slightly, but over a guest appearance by Wino of the Obsessed cover art, saloon style liner notes and pictures of the fuck have I been! This shit rocks. The first all, a great release. I bet fans of The Lunachicks (oooh!) and heavy as fuck riffs, it still feels like a very psychobilly looking band would not have bit of this disc opens with some Ramones influ- would stoke on this. something is missing. Somebody must like them me to believe that these guys were to sound an enced stuff, but not the stuff in the pop punk Aaronoid. though, because they’ve toured with Black awful lot like Metallica. But they do, though a genre. At times bordering on that modern day Sabbath, (under their old name, Godspeed). Go bit sped up at parts partly due to a double kick SoCal hc style but not to the point where my Poisonblack buy 13 by Solace, listen to it then put it on your drum, from the Hammet style solos, incredibly interest was lost. With songs such as “Born Escapextacy shelf and leave it there until you can trade to an similar song structuring and melodies, right to without a Punk Rock Name”, “I Don’t Wanna go Century Media idiot for something better. Sorry guys. the slow breakdown choruses. The vocals are to the Turkish Prison” and “Butterface” give Art Guitarfuncel all over the place though, soft and whiney at good indication of the Derita Sisters sarcastic Ridiculously over the top production that parts, screamy death metal in others and they outlook, however, the song “Clash Reunion” weaves a rich tapestry of Swedish meatball- Stratovarious employ a synth player. Also, though you can’t was unfortunately poorly timed for obvious rea- metal with a dash of gothic flair, but with a Elements Pt.1 really tell from listening to it at all, the bassist sons. twist- These guys are from Finland! This drippy Nuclear Blast plays a stand-up. Despite the comparison, they Aaronoid. little polar bear boasts members of such heavy- do have a slightly original sound and they’re weights as Sentenced, Shadowlands and I must admit I was pretty stoked when this hunk from Finland. Didn’t the Finns invent the Evil Conduct Charon. Wow! of cheese fell into my lap. However, my enthu- Molotov Cocktail? Eye For An Eye The bio that accompanies this nugget siasm quickly faded as the keyboard solos flew Cowboy TexAss Knockout Rstresecords dares to ask “...have you ever invited your by… you get the idea. Anyways, Stratovarious demons up from your personal hell for a candid, plays classically inspired power metal, keeping After being virtually ignored in the mid 80s, mature discussion?” Well, no, I haven’t. But I it fairly simple, catchy, and melodic. These guys V/A these boys from the South of Holland called it a hear they meet on certain Saturday nights at hail from Finland, and have ten albums to their The Trans-Canada Beaver Cookout day. However the attention of a re-released Snackerz in Whalley for a pagan-esque ritual in name including this one. It’s a shame that this Catch and Release demo on vinyl inspired the members to regroup blood-letting and carpooling they like to call record is like, “Stratovarius light” kinda like in 1998. On this 12 song release Evil Conduct Goth-Night. They even have a special dance “diet metal”, I was hoping for something a little Kick ass sampler of Canadian garage rock with give us some traditional sounding Oi! stuff. A where everyone falls to the floor and shakes in more bruising. Don’t get me wrong though, this 6 great bands and almost all unreleased tracks. tad more simplistic than a lot of acts around epileptic delight. How naughty! I also heard Finnish quintet can definitely throw down, but Features Brent from Huevos Rancheros’ new nowadays, but very solid nonetheless. Lyrically they can only do the ‘dance’ when a special song it’s just not “Black Diamond” (my only favorite band, the Rambling Ambassadors (expect much the message is loud and clear from a working is played. Can you imagine? What is it-the Stratovarius tune). Basically, if you’re into any- of what was great about the former), as well as class point of view. One song intitled “No Pain, fucking Caterpillar song by the Cure? Give me thing in this genre, Elements Pt.1 won’t disap- Calgarian creep rock Forbidden Dimension, No Gain” about the rush of getting tattooed a fucking break. Said bio also mentions how point. But for heavier shit similar to this (e.g.. some older songs by Bionic, Vancouver locals could possibly break some new ground. Also “...at times, people are shocked that a guitarist Rhapsody, Gamma Ray), look elsewhere. Good The Nasty On and four tracks off the new album included is a cover of the Sham 69 classic can also play wind instruments.” This is too album, just not quite enough here for me to give by Toronto thrash funk band Shikasta. The “Borstal Breakout”. easy. Fucking wind instruments. However, this a dump. I personally think these guys have gone highlight of this disc is two colon bursting, ass Aaronoid. isn’t too surprising from a band that sounds like as far as they can go with this thing, but what do tearing rock ‘n’ roll songs contributed by a band they would be willing to bet the farm that Type- I know? Oh yeah, WARNING: “TOP GUN” called the Donkeys, who I know nothing about, Various Artists O-Negative invented music in 1991. GUITAR MELODIES MAY BE PRESENT!!! but if this sampler is any indication of what Killed By Finnish Hardcore LP Raymond Belknap they’re capable of, might just become my new Redrum Records Art Guitarfunkel favorite band. Riot 99 Cowboy TexAss If I were religious, I would say that God brought Last Train To Nowhere Sweatin’ to the Oldies: the Vandals Live me peace and happiness on the day I received Longhshot Music Kung Fu Records Various this platter from Him. I would also say that I Addicted to Oi! believe in miracles for these things rarely hap- Upon first hearing Toronto’s Riot 99, I remem- After ten years, the fine people at Kung Fu Captain Oi! records pen in life. But since I’m NOT religious, I’m ber thinking to myself, “Man, this guy singing records have decided to re-release this gem of gonna tell you that this is one kick-in-the-head sure sounds British. Is that his background or is punk rock nostalgia and stuff as much bonus Captain Oi! Records have been a predominant hardcore compilation of fucking goddamn awe- he just emulating the accent?”. I was wrong on DVD crap, to go along with this new craze of force in the world of British Punk Rock for over some Finnish hardcore punk bands. I almost both accounts. Their singer Drew is in fact an stuffing bonus crap onto DVDs, into the pack- a decade now. Name almost any act that was can’t believe Redrum Records released this authentic Australian who immigrated here a few age as possible. Literally hours of random tid- around way back when in that Union Jack flying album! Thank the lord they brought us this years back and has had vocal duties in both bits to numb your mind while sitting on the country and you can be sure that they’ll have compilation of bands from ’81 – ’85. Being a Compound Fracture and Stanley Knife, two acts couch procrastinating, including embarrassing some, if not all, their releases re-issued on this big fan of Euro-hardcore I was more than happy from the land down under who were featured on electronic drum commercials starring a tiny fantastic label! To say that that Captain Oi! has to listen to this release multiple times for this some of the “Punks Skins and Herberts” compi- Josh Freese, cameos by Bjork and MoonUnit saved the average collector myriads of dollars review. Bands like KAAOS, LAMA, RATTUS, lations on Helen Of Oi! Records. Drummer Ter Zappa, music videos, more recent live footage would be an understatement. With over 200 TAMPERE SS and TERVEET KADET are on was previously in great Canadian acts such as and commentary by the band which mainly con- releases under the belt of Captain Oi!, they here, but there’s tons more Finnish punk bands The Glory Stompers, King Sized Braces and The sists of them making fun of the original movie decided to put out an entire compilation of new I’ve never heard of. All good, all praise mira- Systematics. and each other for an hour. If you haven’t ever material. On this 20-band CD we get classic acts cles! On Guitar is Andy who also plays in seen it, the original footage is of a Vandals show (many recently reformed), such as The Cockney Andy Gronberg The Class also out of the Toronto area. Riot 99 in Orange County, back in 1992. It’s mainly Rejects, Menace, Slaugter And The Dogs, not surprisingly have a heavily English feel and live footage of that show and shots of their gui- Special Duties, The Crack and The Business just The Hope Conspiracy if I had to compare them to anybody it would be tarist, aptly called “the Mutant Boy”, running to name a few. Newer Acts such as Argy Bargy, Endnote the Cockney Rejects. This CD contains good around naked (which, if you’ve seen the Vandals Beerzone, Deadline and The Filaments show Equal Vision singalong anthemic Punk Rock backed by clean play live, you’ve probably seen already…), plus that Street Punk can pack as much now as it did sounding modern day production. The musician- some introductions and brief history of the band in it’s origination in the early 80’s. Endnote came out sometime last year, but I ship is a step above the average in the ‘82 narrated by long time bassist Joe Escalante. Aaronoid. never got around to reviewing it, so here it is. inspired charged style and destined to put Extremely amusing was Joe describing the The Hope Conspiracy is, plain and simple, Canada back on the map. Get this CD if you chaos that ensued when their guitarist first “fuckin’ dope”. Hard-core & speed punk roots know what’s good for you. are very visible in this highly charged sopho- Aaronoid. more release. This is the shit that the Boston Strangler would have listened to, you know Rock Kills Kid what I mean? s/t Adler Floyd Fearless Records Icons of Filth Rock Kills Kid have a clean sound that gives Nostodamnedus their songs a deliberate feel and even though the Go-Kart Records music isn’t really noisy, it still manages to be forceful. It’s too bad the unique sound is accom- Boring. Really boring. I.O.F. play a style of panied with embarrassing lyrics. Lead Vocalist, unlistenable British hardcore. Speaking of old, Jeff Tucker, sings out a silly sort of poetry that these guys have been spinning their wheels makes the listener uncomfortable when listening

19 Ultimate Fight Part II TE MEN SKA A Vancouver Indoor Skatepark Association Fundraiser

A couple of Saturdays ago, The Astoria held a fundraiser for the Vancouver Indoor Skatepark Asssociation (VISPA). Four bands played on the bill; Jak Uzi, Blema be la Blem, Sidesixtyseven, and S.T.R.E.E.T.S. Every skater wants an indoor skatepark in Rain City. VISPA is trying to get the appro- priate funding and approval of the city to construct one in Vancouver. The Port Moody Park is a little too far to travel to for a quick session in the winter. Riding the Cractpipe is great, but it’s hard to do ledge and gap tricks on a halfpipe. So I went to support the VISPA fundraiser. Of course I arrived slightly intoxicated and late. I ended up miss- ing Jak Uzi and Blem de la Blem had already taken the stage. They belted out some good punk rock sounds. Jason, the singer, is a huge supporter of VISPA and anything fun in this city. He sported a hel- went out and I won in seventeen seconds. met and wailed on lead guitar. Jason and Seb had a petition to get By Emily Kendy Nerve: Does the blood lust an indoor park circulating in the audience and at the bar. The list at [For] every fight I still think to myself, shit factor of crowds bug you? If you attended the last World Freestyle what am I doing here? I’m nervous. I just Kang: Not at all. It is a fight, the bar was easy for people to sign up on, but this led to a slow beer Fighting championship at the Orpheum learn to control it-block it out, how to wel- right? Theatre, you might have noticed local come in the adrenaline, the positive side of middleweight fighter Denis Kang curious- it, and how to block out the negative parts. Nerve: Yeah. So are you big agro- ly absent. As it turns out, Kang busted his angry man all the time? hand in a previous Kelowna fight and had Nerve: What’s your specialty in the ring? to take time out for surgery. Since 1996, Kang: Grappling. Specialty in grappling, Kang: It’s a sport. It’s all business Kang has been training under the wing of a specialty of specialties you could say… in the ring. Afterwards, you shake Marcus Soares, a veteran ultimate fighter passing the guard: moving around your hands. It’s nothing personal. My and internationally respected coach of opponent’s leg and securing your position. mentality when I go out there isn’t to Carlson Gracie Jui-Juitsu. Soares has been summon up anger and want to kill the a member of the Gracie team for over 30 Nerve: Best moment in the ring? guy. If there’s aggression in me it’s not years, 11 as a fighter, with a sixth degree Kang: When I won in Japan against to hurt him. It’s to win. black belt in karate (six degrees beyond Minoru Suzuki, and one I fought in the black). Soares came to Kelowna, against Dennis Hallman, who’s Nerve: Have you ever seriously injured Vancouver in 1997 to start a fairly big name. That was a someone, in the ring? his own team, in which Kang good fight, even though, Kang: Yeah. It was a kickboxing fight, “That was a technically, I didn’t win that is a member, and over the but it wasn’t my fault. The ref should The S.T.R.E.E.T.S at the Astoria. Pic by Valerie Edelman last year, under the guidance good fight, even fight… but I believe I was have stopped it… I just knocked him out of Soares, Kang has also on my way to winning. pretty bad. started coaching jiu-jitsu, a though, techni- line. If you signed up, they gave you a raffle ticket for the form of grappling, or Nerve: What happened? Nerve: Unconscious? end of the night prizes. Free stuff is always good. Free stuff wrestling, used during a cally, I didn’t Kang: It was no contest. I Kang: Yeah. I broke his jaw on both for drunk skatepunks can cause a riot. mixed martial arts fight. win...” broke the rules. It was an sides, but you know what happened? I Sidesixtyseven took the stage and took the crowds atten- accidental kick. Other techniques include -Denis Kang gave him a really big right hand, and he tion. All eyes were on this explosive punk band from Van. Muay Thai (kick boxing) went down. The ref gave him 8 counts, They played some new songs from their new EP. I liked the and boxing. And now that Nerve: What was fighting in right? He gets up and he’s really groggy. Japan like? Tough competi- new tracks. The rest of The Astoria liked the new songs too, his hand has healed, Kang Right away, the ref should have stopped it as they tore up the floor - slammin’ to the upbeat punk only has this to say to his opponent in next tion? right there -I have the video tape- so I tee sound. Sidesixtyseven played punk like it should be month’s fight: “Be ready.” Kang: Well, for one thing there’s the jet off with more punches, and he’s taking lag… but yeah. In Japan, most of the them all in, in the corner. The ref gives played, loud, fast, and loose. Nerve: It must help your technique, now Japanese fighters have a lot of experience. him another eight counts, he’s still groggy, In case you didn’t know, S.T.R.E.E.T.S. is an acronym for that you’re doing a bit of coaching your- All of the guys I fought had a minimum of but [the ref] lets him go again. So I gave skating totally rules everything else totally sucks. This self. 40 fights under their belts. him a roundhouse kick to the head. band was made to play this kind of show. These VISPA Kang: Absolutely, you really have to supporters came out swinging, sweating and rocking. Skate break down techniques in your head to Nerve: How many have you been in? Nerve: Shit man, you’re crazy. rock rang out over the excited crowd. The band tore Kang: Fourteen or fifteen. explain them to other people, and answer- Kang: Competitive. He almost knocked through songs like Skate in the Heart, Georgia Street, and ing their questions. Having to explain me out in the first round. Worms, while they drank huge bottles of Heineken. What is things in different ways because some Nerve: How about the scene here in people learn in different ways, helps to Vancouver? not to love about this band? (The WFF Championship will be Next, Seb and Jason came on stage to start the raffle. The turn things over in your head so you’re Kang: Definitely getting better; it’s start- held at the Orpheum, April 4th, looking at every side. ing to grow. Regular people who don’t crowd didn’t respond too well to the numbers being called train know about it now, whereas two tickets will be available through out over and over. Many people had left or had just plain lost Nerve: Have you checked out the Pride years ago no one not immediately ticketmaster.) the raffle ticket they were given. To appease the crowd, Seb play station game? involved knew about what was going on. started tossing stuff off the stage. That started something. Kang: Yeah, the Pride and Every skater, punk and miscreant in the place was screaming UFC games are awesome. It’s for FREE STUFF. Seb would call a number and two or three also bringing mainstream atten- seconds later be forced to toss another item into the crowd. tion and education [to the sport]. CIRCA kicked down lots of goodies and so did Alex Chalmers. Now, Alex is not a company looking for promotion. He is a Nerve: What fighters do you skater giving back to his community. RESPECT. When the raf- admire? fle neared its close, the free deck came out. Jason wanted to give Kang: Wanderlei Silva (Pride it to the person with the worst deck in the place. Many boards superstar/world champion) came up for inspection but none were in bad enough shape to from Brazil, and Rodrigo warrant a free board. One guy had a dead board. It had complete- Minotauro (Nogueira, heavy- ly lost its pop. It was worn out, but not chipped, so Mark suggest- weight champion). ed focusing the board and trying to get the free deck. CRACK! Nerve: Do you remember your Free board. first fight? Afterward I saw the guy outside breaking his cracked deck into lit- Kang: Yep. It was in ’98, a tle pieces. You know, break off the nose and tail so you just have year after I started [with your trucks left. The board wouldn’t break into clean pieces. A couple Soares]. It was an illegal event, people were trying to get a clean break on it. Someone shot the board right, and it was held in some out into traffic. Luckily, a tow truck was speeding down Hasting and warehouse in Richmond. I broke the board into pieces. The guy had to dodge drunk drivers to get showed up and it was all these his trucks back. bikers and rough type of char- VISPA is trying to do what other parks have done in the past. acters in attendance and I thought to myself, “What am I Vancouver has had indoor halfpipes, indoor street spots, and even The getting into?” But I

20 Nowhere to park in VanCity skatepark under the Georgia Association’s Blair Codling spied World skytrain, and adjacent to Viaduct, saying that skaters would the rain-sheltered concrete pad Andy Livingstone Park soccer fields be better served by waiting for a under the South end of the Burrard (and its public washrooms). The larger park at CRAB Park or else- bridge while walking home to Kits viaduct overhead provides some where. While many of Salmi’s to get away from the 1996 Canucks rain cover (and also makes the land points are valid – the proposal is not riots, he thought of Burnside and less attractive for siting a conven- everything the long awaited down- mentioned it to fellow VSA tional building). This new site N town skatepark could be - the pro- founders Robin Calver and Aaron attracted the attention from the skate posal does have some merit. A mid- Orlando. The non-profit VSA made community and around the year A size park on a decent, if unexciting, a proposal and, with the assistance 2000, some serious design work site may be better than waiting for- of then-Parks Board Nancy started happening thanks to various CE ever for a perfect site that may not MacLean, pitched the idea to the contributors, including Blair materialize for ten years. Yes, there city. Unfortunately, neighbouring Codling, Jason Dashney of the are no bowls or transitions in the residents protested until the city uni- Downtown skaters, Cory McIntyre rendering, but in response to a series laterally cancelled the project. A and Vaughan Nevile, Jesse Oye, of meetings and design sketches similar fate awaited the second pro- skatepark designers Jim Barnum Aerial photo of site. Design and Rendering by D. Rock with many skaters in which a gener- posed site, the bi-level parking lot at and Kyle Dion, and others. At the al desire for street was apparent. Dunsmuir and Beatty (prime real same time, the VSA was evolving Skate Spot Add to that the amount of time spent estate is generally not just handed into the current VSPC. The general looking at a bunch of sites makes over to skate rats). A third site at the consensus seemed to be that the The Big Downtown this project worth at least some con- downtown north end of the Georgia park should stay fairly authentic to Street Park sideration. The design sketch by Viaduct was considered and rejected the idea of a downtown plaza, with Well, someone had to do park designer Kyle Dion (New Line as way too small. The fourth, at minimal transition. D-Rock amalga- it, and who better to Skateparks) and landscape architect Cathedral Park, was rejected due to mated proposals by Blair, Dashney, raise some hell and Mark Van Der Zalm was intended to concerns about the extra structural Cory and Vaughan, and others and strong opinions than provoke discussion, not necessarily load on the Hydro station below constructed the computer model Terminal City’s be the final word on the subject; it’s (although recently the site has come that appears in this article. Brian Salmi? A a testament to people’s passion for back into discussion as a possible recent article in the subject that such strong senti- refitted street spot). Site number D-Rock’s Amalgamated Park Terminal City ments are being expressed. The five, just east of the north end of the The main surface of the park is low- derided a sketch found in Terminal City is one Granville bridge, was shot down as proposed recent version of a larger design and quickly as it came up because it was street- siting process which started several Concord Pacific land and not avail- see Skate Spot on p. 23 style years ago and is ongoing; there are able to the public several designs that have been pro- citizens of posed for this site, including one by Vancouver. Model overview looking West. your co-author, intern architect D- Design and Rendering by D. Rock Rock. Site #6: The Georgia Viaduct A Brief History of Time Site The idea of a Big Downtown A fairly feasible Park has been floating site was finally around VanCity circles found: a triangu- Clubhouse. since 1995 (at least), lar parking lot The Clubhouse and when the under the Vancouver Georgia Viaduct, had a huge vert SK Skateboard bounded by ramp, a mini and a Quebec Street, small street area. It Union Street, went the way of the dodo and Expo Boulevard, close after many attempts to save to Science it. If VISPA is to have a suc- cessful park that is skater sup- ported, it needs a good start. So, if you see another fundraiser, show A your support. Spread the word and we won’t have to go out to Port Moody T when the skateboard jonesing strikes. T Dennis Regan E SPO

but she can’t quite seem to part with it. She’s put it into stor- age but always seems to bring ‘er back home. How could you part with a little red car that’s got converse mudflapAngela girlsFama in the rear window and leopard (back to the Amazon) seat car they drive now is pretty cool too. “Bunny”, a red 67’ Dodge Coronet, was purchased covering? by Betty about 8 years ago from a fella in White Rock com- plete with stories of how he “remembered those days when If you like to go to The Pic Pub, then you’d probably like he used to wear his zoot suits and square toed shoes”. Betty and Joe. If you already know them, then you already Feeling like a criminal but going strong anyway, she talked know that Betty and Joe are of the good people. Betty is the is him down to $450 from $500 (she really is evil). But, he resident Pic door lady, demanding of respect, and Joe is shit might have been the real evil one with the parting words he disturber supreme and guitar clad front man of the band Hi- laid on her- “Careful on that big hill, get the brakes fixed Test, as well as 6-string slinger for new project Gung-Hos. When I first met Betty, I thought to myself, “Who SOON.” I guess she got them fixed. Interesting side fact: this seven-foot Amazonian lady complete with leopard print Bunny also came equipped mini and shocking peroxide hair?” My next thought was, “It with a rain slicker and a is pure evil for any woman over 7 feet tall to wear platforms, harmonica. as it puts the rest of us vertically challenged at a severe dis- Betty has since advantage.” Then I found out she drove a monster truck and, plugged a lot of dollars well, all was well. Also, I get to look up her nostrils. The into Bunny in repair bills couple are currently living in marital bliss in a funky ram- shackle home off of Main Street where they reside with thier darlin’ dawg. And though the monster truck (an 83’ Toyota Stampede) has since gone the way of the dodo (R.I.P), the 21 straight 8 SLAMDANCING IN UTAH

Young from the ground up on his latest knew projects. Up next for the trio is HALY what EVIL DEAD was.” Fobes SAINT, a psychotic rock ‘n’ roll fable, as Fobes and Boyle, dreaming of the big time Yand oung Boylebefore thenthe Blankhelped screeningshepherd the film toFobeswell and as Boyle the second driven installment insane by ofcamera their T wo local film Slamdance. IndieBaby fundraiser, details for “When they called and asked if I’d sub- which will be announced shortly. producers t alk about their mitted the film to Sundance I said, ‘HELL NO’. experience with a short film I think they liked that,” Boyle says. “Slamdance If you’re interested in seeing they brought to this year s is a true independent film festival where you talk BLANK contact Stavely ’ with other filmmakers about making films. It’s Films via e-mail at stavely- Slamdance Film Festival. not overrun with industry flacks talking about [email protected] or visit Conceived in 1994 by a trio of rejected ‘your deal’. And did I mention the open bar?” them on the web at filmmakers as a reaction to the increasingly cor- Fobes was surprised at how friendly www.stavelyfilms.com porate (and increasingly crappy) Sundance Film everyone was. “I’d heard horror stories about Festival in Park City, Utah, Slamdance is an attending festivals and everyone being an ass- Bjorn Olson anarchic mini-festival committed to showcasing hole, but everyone was accessible. The cool edgy, independent films. Dubbed a “guerrilla” thing about this industry is this is how you net- the festival, Slamdance essentially invaded work: drinking, hanging out, meeting creative Sundance’s territory and made a name for itself people. There were like eight to ten other festi- mys- (and as a result inspired several other similarly- vals happening at the same time, so you were terious monikered mini-festivals to do the same), and is always meeting new people.” loss of today one of the foremost independent film fes- While the BLANK screenings were a contact tivals on the planet. rousing success (“We were sitting on the floor,” with a This year there were 1,500 submissions says Boyle), the highlight of the fest for all three colony of sci- to Slamdance, 1,200 of which were short films. was definitely attending TromaDance and meet- entists on the Of those 1,200, 13 films were selected for com- ing Troma impresario Lloyd Kaufman (the man planet Altair. Once petition. Of those 13, one was Canadian. behind such trash classics as TROMEO & JULI- they approach the That film, entitled BLANK, is a creepy ET and THE TOXIC AVENGER series). planet they receive a paranoid thriller about, among other things, “We were at the Troma party, which had transmission from the schizophrenia and agoraphobia directed by to be at what was the seediest bar in Utah, and last surviving scientist, Vancouver via Manchester filmmaker Steven Lloyd Kaufman was there weaning this tweed Dr. Morbius (Walter Young. Starring a single actor (David Richmond suit and purple ascot, videotaping every- Pidgeon), who warns Adams, Peck) playing many characters, BLANK man- thing,” Fobes recalls. “Steven cornered “if you set down on this planet I aged to creep out a fair number of Slamdance him and wanted him to look at his film attendees with it’s PI meets DAWN OF THE cannot be held accountable for the HEADS, which he had done before he safety of your ship or your crew.” DEAD atmosphere. I spoke over lunch with the met us, that he had made in the Troma film’s two local producers, Lee Boyle and Sarah spirit, being that it’s a film about Naturally, the Commander ignores the Fobes, who made the journey to Park City with aliens with heads in place of their warning and lands to further survey the Young and their film. genitalia and vice-versa. I think situation. Dr. Morbius, less sinister than Fobes and Boyle, a pair of ambitious, Lloyd Kaufman saw a lot of his name seems to imply, reluctantly wel- creative movie geeks in their mid-twenties were genuine passion in Steven comes the crew and introduces them to the brought together through a mutual love of film, because we were negotiating now familiar Robot (who was known as and more significantly, a desire to become posi- a distribution deal by the “Robbie the Robot” only outside of the film), his tively involved with the business aspects of film- end of the festival.” lovely daughter Altaira (Anne Francis), and an making. Both Fobes and Boyle did time in film While BLANK, ancient school - Boyle at Vancouver Film School, Fobes as a project, was near- underground at the University of Calgary - which grounded ly finished when world created them well enough but left them hungry to begin Fobes and Boyle by the long- actually making films. came aboard, extinct inhabitants “We wanted to produce because we were their hands-off of the planet, the interested in the business end of film, but also approach has Krell. had enough love for the medium that we didn’t allowed want to be left out of the creative process,” The various sci- them to ence-fiction elements in Fobes tells me. “It’s good not to just be a busi- work ness head. There are not a lot of auteur produc- with Forbidden Planet are stylis- ers out there.” tically fascinating, power- “We are struggling producers, in effect,” ful, memorable, and perfect- says Boyle, clad in his Serpico coat and high on ly executed. Though seem- coffee beans. “People don’t generally know what ingly dated by today’s stan- a producer does. Groupies don’t rush up to the dards, the special effects ones taking care of the budget.” were very sophisticated at BLANK was Fobes and Boyle’s first the time and are still a joy to foray into producing. “I had known Steven behold. Young from VFS, and one day he came to The characters, where I was working and the next thing we Forbidden though somewhat stereotyp- knew Sarah and I were watching a rough Planet ical, are pretty solid, and cut of BLANK at his house,” says with talent like Nielsen, Boyle. “It turned out to be the kind of The space pulp/monster Pidgeon and Francis the act- project we were looking for.” ing is nothing to sneeze at. Fobes concurs. “Steven movie genre really came had been scarred from a past to a head in the 1950s. With Tensions between Adams project that went nowhere, and the A-Bomb and the Reds a and Morbius, the interplay he needed somebody to take new and very real threat to between the crew and the free-spirited Altaira, and the subtle cama- his project as is and not tell post-WWII America, the sci-fi raderie between the commander and his doctor (Warren Stevens) are him that it wasn’t mar- movies of the time had a tendency well-played. ketable. He appreciated to exploit the fears of the public. The The theremin soundtrack is something else - you have to the fact that we were best of these films served as cautionary hear it to believe it - and it really gives the film an otherworldly qual- the first producers tales. A great many of them (Angry Red ity and very much adds to the suspense of the story. Oddly enough, he’d come in con- Planet and Rocketship X-M for example) the score for the film wasn’t what the studio had planned - due to the tact were little more than xenophobic jaunts of Hollywood Musicians’ Union strike, a husband & wife team was with drive-in escapism suitable for MST3K-ing. hired for the task. that With all their dated, stereotypical camp - bug- Texturally, the whole story works on several different lev- eyed monsters, posturing military men with atom- els. There are Shakespearean (the film is based on The Tempest) and ic ray guns, fainting heroines and alcoholic cooks - Freudian aspects mixed in with the comic relief of Robot and poking fun at the genre is duck soup. ‘Cookie’, the ship’s cook. It’s a rich antecedent to the diluted Star Despite all of their idiosyncrasies, a few of Trek franchise. If you have never seen Forbidden Planet, you’re in these sci-fi flicks still stand up 50 years later. The Day the for a memorable voyage of discovery. Earth Stood Still and War of the Worlds spring to mind, as Toren McBoren MacBin does Forbidden Planet. In MGM’s first real stab at the genre, Commander J. J. Adams (Leslie Nielsen) commands the crew of the United Planets Cruiser C57D on their mission to investigate 22 Skate Spot from p. 21 ered a couple of feet down from street level, with a brick- into the world of feature film con- looks real good dressed as a hot veneered concrete perimeter tains a lot of excellent Bavaesque pants, eye patched head warden in wall with enough mass to atmosphere, a good messed BARB WIRE DOLLS). absorb much of the significant up/fucked up monster face (the ZOMBIE LAKE (1980) traffic noise, and bushes all JESS FRANCO - THE ULTI- around the exterior to discour- servant Morpho) and some very One of my favourite Eurocine stu- age graffiti. The park is prima- MATE FILM “CRAFTSMAN” early writhing character breast dio releases (who did many of rily composed of street ele- Part 1: The Horror shots that would stand to become Franco’s classics) that was slated ments, although one corner is Franco’s moniker in the future – for Franco to direct, but he didn’t left as a five foot miniramp When I consider the ultimate film- but just much more often would show up so Jean Rollin took the with one bowled end and a maker, there are definitely some the skin hit the celluloid. helm. Thought I’d mention the Burnside-ish transitioned col- names that come to my mind. Morpho’s role in the film is awe- title anyways since this film is umn. It has one raised corner Names such as Shohei Imamura, some as he stalks giallo style and played around my house more with the more aggressive street Fernando Di Leo, Sergio Martino, elements like long kinked rails Stairs and rails. Design and Rendering by D. Rock even has a tendency to be quite than anything else. and hubbas over real stairs. Andrea Bianchi, Amando de graphic when it comes to the grop- MANSION OF THE LIVING The smaller South stair ledges Vancouver, with at least twice Viaduct has perked up again Ossorio…. One director that gets ing and the violence. DEAD (1982) are actually steep banks. I the population and a huge lately, so who knows? The cudos from the greatest of the This is actually Franco’s amazing have tried to include as many skate scene, has dragged its other recently raised possibili- greats for his sheer addiction and feet on sites, and committed a ty is the South shore of False porno sleazy take on Ossorio’s recognizable street elements as measly $200,000. Granted, Creek, but that is definitely obsession for filmmaking is none BLIND DEAD films. A lot of possible, including a sidewalk they did build the impressive years away as it involves larg- other than the Spanish Director good romping around by Franco section with deep curb cuts, a Hastings bowl for tranny er scale excavation and devel- Jesus/Jess Franco. When I men- girlfriend and mainstay Lina fire hydrant and an abstract skaters (funded primarily by opment because of the pollut- tion great directors that liked to steel “car” suitable for grind- Romay (the very cute partner that ing. There is also a serious the Italian community and not ed soil. drop Franco’s name, I speak of the “took the place” of the haunting multilevel granite-edged ledge public funds), but it isn’t very one and only Orson Welles. Welles Soledad Miranda of Vampyros setup that would be everything central and doesn’t solve the Ass Orted entrusted Franco to edit and co- Lesbos fame who died in a car Eaton’s was and more. demand for street style terrain. On a punk rock note, the direct his “lost” film Don Quixote, Even North Vancouver has Side67/STREETS show at the crash. These two girls are the built more skateparks in recent Astoria on Feb. 8th was great - in which he entrusted Franco with milestones in Franco’s career, Weak Civic Steeze history (Ambleside, Parkgate, one of the best live gigs we’ve the job of directing the rest of the Romay even more so as she It finally seemed that the park Kirkstone) than VanCity, been to in a long time. It was pre-planned picture during his ill- helped to direct, edit, and get was going to happen, but the which can really only boast the in support of an indoor ness/death and then taking care of Chinatown business associa- naked for the XXX scenes) in tion was not enthusiastic. $25,000 Strathcona mini-park skatepark, an admirable goal - the careful Welles editing process. some very atmospheric old tombs There were concerns about in recent memory. hopefully the skate community Franco treated the camera like a that house the skeletal, robed traffic and an internal decision will work together to make it canvas that could be used again “blind dead”. A rarity that has my within the Parks Board can- A Giant Election happen. If The Kids Are and again, constantly driving for- Until recently, city hall has United... The Cractpipe was all time fave hotel desk visit celed it, at least for the been stacked with the NPA, recently renovated again, with ward (and backward) to achieve THE DEMONS (1972) included. moment. Leaving aside the who for the most part, have the wallride and the tight little that quality that was often out of This is a highly underrated piece AVIRGIN AMONGTHE LIV- history lesson for a second, let ignored any skate issues, tranny sections being yanked Franco’s reach due to budgetary from the maestro that, in my opin- ING DEAD (1971) us compare the level of com- youth issues or cultural life of to make way for the city-man- restraints and/or time issues. mitment made by the govern- ion, is one of his best efforts in the I like to think of this film as ment of Vancouver, Canada’s any kind for that matter. The dated retail area.... The moun- We can speak of quali- horror/erotica genre. Everyone Franco’s masterpiece as he takes skateboarding capital, and the recent election of a left-lean- tains got a dump, and nothing ty versus quantity, especially goes off on LOVE LETTERS OF the abstraction and creepiness to government of neighbouring ing COPE city council could feels better than one of those, where Franco is concerned as the A PORTUGUESE NUN, but this new levels amongst the very Calgary, to creating facilities result in more skate friendly so ignore our petty complain- man directed literally HUN- action, but that remains to be ing and go play in the sun- film has way more of a kick with fucked up acting, blood play, and for skateboarding. In both seen. During the election, the shine. DREDS of films taking on every very hasty witch whores taking the the mentally challenged character cities, skateboarding is the idea of CRAB Park was raised genre imaginable: gothic horror, religion in their own hands and groanings of Franco himself. second most popular sport, very strongly by candidate -D-Rock and Miss Kim; all erotica, adventure, spy thriller, turning whoever they fuck into Some amazing plot twists and next only to soccer. Calgary Nancy Chiavario. It seems to drawings by D-Rock. Email porn, naughty nuns, giallo, slasher, came through with a big, beau- skeletons. Some very gratuitous turns drive you in and out of the tiful site near the downtown have merit and if it is feasible, us at [email protected]. cannibal, rock’n roll, etc. Much “evil reaming” is also prevalent – dead green forest, the monotone core and a budget of $2.5 mil- I’m sure people would get has been written about the man, as with the “culo” show stopper on lion. Their downtown park is very excited about it. Other his obsessions, his constant stray- than that, after a couple of GRETA THE MAD BUTCHER. world-class. In comparison, years in limbo, interest in the ing into the world of hardcore, his BLOODY MOON (1980) women (Soledad Miranda and Franco’s famous contribution to Lina Romay) that influenced and the slasher genre that has some participated in the creative process very gory moments that surpasses of many of his films and his undy- any effects work that may have ing strive to make a movie that he happened to appear in his previous personally likes. His name has films. I read somewhere that the popped up in my past articles on money was actually around for numerous occasions as I am a this bad boy, thus the power to HUGE fan of the “genre” director makes the heads roll off the band and his love of pure cinema. saw and the knife/scissor action Anyone that consciously tried to take on a whole new reality. make art out of raspy film Another film where the face rot stock/shit, vagina close ups, becomes the evil in some cases. money shots, or talking assholes FACELESS (1987) with long drawn out shots and This is hands down Franco’s most severe camera angles is aces in my famous horror film as the gore is to books. Every exploitation jackass the max (face transplants) and the has tried to do this, but usually “star power” takes over the show. inheritance zombie family, and the without the finesse of Jesus Caroline Munro, French porn fave very familiar swamp swimming Franco, probably due to the amaz- Brigitte Lahaie, and Helmut (Franco girls like to play in scum- ingly weird quality of the Eurocine Burger all take on the sleazy and my ponds naked). Try to avoid the production era film stock. The very bloody stage where tits don’t cut US version that actually blacks quality versus quantity issue is flop out from Lahaie as much as out half the screen to hide the constantly brought into play as the the skilled precision of the knife bloodletting and sex and features sheer amount of movies he made. (and the hypodermic in the eye). the Rollin added crummy zombie He is just as well known for his This was also one of Franco’s dream footage. pieces of crap (many people swear biggest budgets that he got to play OASIS OF THE ZOMBIES that every film he made post 1980 around with, resulting in this (1981) is unwatchable) but his hits outdo somewhat splashy (not really to This film is really fucked up. It’s a his misses. Franco’s “ingenius” my taste) eighties feel of the whole compilation between Marius usage of small crews of all differ- film. Lesouer of Eurocine Productions’ ent nationalities started a trend for EXORCISM (1974) plot, while the amazing zombie directors that wanted to pimp their This one has been moving around footage is taken from Franco’s product to producers and the the- the genre film collector world very rare TOMBS OF THE LIV- atre rackets in different countries. under the title of DEMONIACS ING DEAD. The zombies are ex- To start, I’ll just rattle missing some crucial “story” that nazi soldiers ala ZOMBIE LAKE off my favourite more horrifically moves the characters through the (the underwater Nazi genre started slanted films that Franco pulled blood rites and the fuckings. by SHOCK WAVES is probably off, and in the next article, I’ll tack- Franco himself plays a troubled the most fucked up genre type le the erotica (including what I priest that has to cleanse/murder ever). Watch carefully as one of believe to be the most important the “whores” that participate in the more rotted out zombie heads film EVER made – LULU’S ASS- either prostitution or faked black is actually a puppet and you won’t HOLE): mass. A lot of knife play and bush get enough of the one of the other shots permeate this nasty effort rot faces that has the wicked AWFULDR. ORLOFF (1961) which has pegged many a time as bugged out eyes. The mad doctor is played by Franco’s most accomplished and LORNA THE EXORCIST Howard Vernon who became a overwhelmingly “personal” effort. (1974) mainstay in the Franco list of films Also features a small introductory Jess Franco’s very nice take on the from horror all the way through to role from my favourite (don’t ask EXORCIST possession genre that some of his sleazier outings (like A me why) Franco actress – Monica VIRGIN AMONG THE LIVING Swinn (probably because she DEAD). Franco’s early break out see Gore on p. 27 23 Puzzle Page!! First person to solve both puzzles wins a Nerve Records Sampler CD Show your ugly face at the Nerve Office: 508-825 Granville St. Vancouver, Mon-Fri 10am-5pm ‘ish...

by Dan Scum CROSSWORD Across 1. Book and chapter with num- ber of the beast intro 14. Hoosiers sch. 15. Plummer and Lewis 16. Finish 17. State above SD 18. Person with title to 19. Do 20. Creator 22. News channel 23. Between sel. and freq. 25. _____tin tin 26. ______Lanka 27. Original gangsta yo 28. Negative conjunction 29. Consume 30. ______Quentin 32. Unagi 34. Book of rights 38. ______to betsy 42. Estrogen e.g. 43. Hamlet’s girl 4. A note to follow sew 40. African river 44. Type of memory 5. Amidst 41. Immortalization 45. Symmetrical stick 6. Light brown 53. and so on 46. Water ending? 7. Hotel 55. Rasta word 47. Elliot to pals 8. Cineplex______56. Fiddling emperor 48. ____ pat! 9. Drug (Spanish) 57. French cheese 49. Canadian Dow Jones 10. Nazis 58. Milkman Fleming 50. Fabled daytime soap 11. “for example” 59. Ms. Brockovitch Unreal 2: The Awakening more human characters, anyway. I didn’t 51. Spock to pals 12. Asian sub-continent 60. Broadway hit Developer: Legend Entertainment pay much attention to the story, but I got 52. Mrs. Bundy 13. What you DON’T want to 61. First man 54. Aluminum forerunner Publisher: Infogrames pissed off when it wouldn’t let me skip the hear at the alter 62. Boys on the ______fuckin’ yapping. I don’t have fuckin’ time to 57. Male Mormon 21. Takes away weapons Platform: PC 61. Evil Dead hero listen to some fuckin’ space talk about ener- 22. Move unnaturally Rating: Mature 63. Fury 24. GOD, e.g. Web: unreal2.com gy capsules and force fields, o.k.?! It sure 64. Write a soundtrack again 25. Balance again felt like the reason you couldn’t skip 65. GOD (Italian) 31. Give weapons through the cut scenes was so the game 66. Atmosphere to would seem longer. 67. Roman 3 33. The nice Gabor Not to be insensitive and shit, but the 68. Adultery, e.g. Half way through the game I 34. Follower of thinkers behind this pile of sci-fi shit should 69. Fuss Jesus have been on the space shuttle Columbia. just put the cheats on and wanted to get it 70. New prefix 35. Owl’s fanfare The original Unreal was one of the worst over with and see the shitty ending. I never 71. Toronto timezone 36. Bumbling 72. AC/DC hit (oi!) games, in my opinion, so when the news got to that point, cuz the gameplay was deputy on the 73. Sch. course Dukes of Hazzard came around about a sequel, I almost shit fuckin’ treacherous. This is just another bad FPS with slightly better graphics and no 37. Put back in myself. The thought of a new and improved Down 38. the father, the Unreal game made me smile, wait, no it replay value whatsoever. Crappy enemies, 1. Lord of the ____ son ,and fuckin’ didn’t. I’ve been a Quake fan since weapons and some sort of a story, I don’t 2. Ewok’s planet the______3. Herpes, Syphillis, etc. the start and Unreal just didn’t have what it know. If you’re looking for a better Unreal 39. College class took to compete with greatness and from game, check out Unreal Tournament 2003, what I’ve seen so far, it’s never gonna hap- it feels more like Quake 3. pen. Granted, the graphics are fucking nice WORD SEARCH (still, no round shit like the Q3A engine), cherrypoppin babyduck drunk but that’s where the good ends. Once again Eye Candy: 4 allages chaperon daddysgirl the gayest fuckin’ enemy ever made in a Tunes: 3 cradlerobber chastitybelt younglove kitspub betty video game is back. These fuckers are Gameplay: 3 Chill Factor: 2.5 boot called Skarj (pictured below). It’s a creature highschool with blades on his hands, fucking retarded. Verdict: Fucking shitty game, save your coolers This game might have been good if this pennies for a high-end blowjob. zima enemy was excluded, and replaced with litebeer finland ritalin luvafair fakeid cougars dirtyoldmen shitmix virgin beep bigbear avril britney nineteen alberta curfew allowance easy cheap tramps pedophiles oldenglish maltliquor johnford madcaddies

24 25 TexAss: Despite the fact that we can barely tolerate each others’ company anymore, Miss Dexter and I still have the naked ladies to rekindle our dying (platonic) love for each other, and we felt it was time to go and hang out in the most boring suburb that we have in the Lower Mainland…. Miss Dexter: Burnaby…. Tex: …and get drunk in the only naked lady bar they have… Dex: …except I’m trying desperately not to drink due to an unfortunate incident last week involving the Biltmore, some ‘new friends’ I made there and answer- ing the door for the pizza guy in my underwear… Tex: You know you have a problem when…. Dex: At least I’m addressing my problem! You’re in denial…. Tex: I don’t have a problem. I’m fine. I was just des- perately trying to get myself drunk to tolerate your sobri- ety-fueled hyperactivity…. Dex: Look at me. I have A.D.D. Tex: You can say that again…. Dex: I can’t believe how much the N.B.I. is like the Fraser Arms, but with a smaller stage and in an even lamer part of town. Tex: Yeah, the bouncer/busboys are just as surly and wear the same funny little blue aprons; they have the same two-dollar food menu at night (burgers with mushrooms and cheese for 2 bucks!), the $2.99 Roast Beef dinner on Wednesdays. Aside from the lack of grunginess and the really tame crowd of perves, the North Burnaby Inn IS the Fraser Arms. Dex: Except, so cool… they have a whole hour of ‘quick strips’ from 9 till 10. I’ve finally found my favourite kind of dancer: The kind that gets naked in the first song and is done by the second. Tex: I didn’t much like the quick strips. It’s too much, too soon. I like to be teased a little. I LIKE it when they dance around for a whole song and don’t get naked. I have patience. I can wait four or five minutes before seeing a vagina. It’s almost like foreplay…. Dex: Yeah, he also liked the dancer that thrashed about like she was having a freaking seizure. There’s something about a naked lady having a seizure that reminds me of jail time…. Tex: See, I’ve reached a point where my love life consists only of naked women dancing erotically for me. The length of these relationships is normally just right… they come out, dressed all sexy, dance for a song. Then they get a little naked and dance sexy some more. Then they’re totally naked and crawl around on the floor and then they go away. That’s my kind of relationship; No complications, no talking and you don’t have to buy condoms…. Dex: I like how Tex thinks they dress sexy. This one stripper had a pair of shorts on with a little white ruffle. It just looked like she had toilet paper stuck up her cunt. Tex: Er, my point was going to simply be that the quick strips created a sensory over- load. The girls all ended up being a blur of superfast stripping fury. I can only see so many naked girls in such a small period of time. Dex: TexAss seems to be suffering from some sort of whiskey/stripper induced delusional fantasy… the only dates he can get cost money. Tex: Tex is ok. He doesn’t need sex, he doesn’t need love. He just needs strippers. And alcohol. Much more alcohol than they were giving him at the NBI. I guess he wasn’t being generous enough with the tipping, cuz I swear he went almost 15 minutes without a drink at one point. That’s just not right. es to Dex: Fine, but final results: Quick strips = good for A.D.D. White Trash use the Directed by Michael Raven Tex: I remember you being more fun when I was the respon- mini- sible one and you were the drunk…. Starring: Jessica Drake, Evan Stone, Marc Davis, Kristi Myst, Chandler, Stevie, Ava malist Vincent, John Decker, April, Mr. Marcus, Zoe Young, and Dillion Day. Dex: It would have been better if we were gambling. approach Tex: Yeah, I swear they used to have a casino there, but to filmmak- alas, now there is none. I don’t like the casino near my This film is one of the few that actually lives up to its name. Expect to see plenty of ing with no blondes in short cut-off jean shorts, big boobs, and plenty of blue eye shadow. Even with place anymore cuz they have a bunch of my money and music to make won’t give it back. We need more gambling in this the trashy get-ups the ladies will peak the attention of any guy who likes silicone and hot the scenes more bodies. The background music is top notch and I just had to turn it up to experience the town goddamnit! entertaining, no Dex: Tex didn’t want me to put this in but one of whole trashy, honky-tonk jukebox effect. They even found a guy who looks just like Kid subtitles to attempt Rock in overall jeans. The memorable scenes include: sex in a greasy mechanics garage, the strippers had these crazy big implants that teaching us Japanese, were lumpy like cottage cheese implants. sex in a subway station and sex in a graffiti covered alley-way, just to name a few. Did I and no unique posi- mention that there is also some hot lesbian action? Well there is. If you just want pure tions for viewing enjoy- -The Making of a TexAss- trashy looking people having sex with no plot, then this is your film. This is not a low ment and future reference. budget movie but the money used on the slick looking opening credits could have gone Tex: The NBI was the first nudie bar I ever went to. It’s changed since, though, In this luke-warm, low budg- but one day, when I was like 18 or so, and working in construction, we all quit into some sort of script. If people continue to produce et, overseas import porn flicks with no plot, just pure sex in interesting work early, ditched our foreman and drove out to there is also no anal Burnaby for lunch (shit in someone else’s back- setups, the least they can do is offer a gang-bang, or a and no gang-bang. So journey into the bunghole. yard, they said). I ate a chicken club sandwich, what does one get out of we sat all day and I saw all there was to see, and this film? Be sure to expect it all finally made sense to me. I was a Pretty Little Asians Vol. 15 clean looking sex in generic Starring: Reiko, Megumi, Touko, and Yumi. changed man. looking hotel rooms, all which Dex: I wonder if Tex had never gone to look the same except for the picture Boy do these Asians girls get hot fast! All it takes is a the NBI that fateful day, if he would be behind the bed, a couple of solitary post- the filthy pervert we know and love gentle brush of the breast and these girls are writhing sex clean-up scenes in the shower viewed with anticipatory sexual pleasure. The films White today. Can you imagine these through an awkward sideways angled cam- words coming from his mouth Trash and Pretty Little Asians Vol. 15 definitely show era shot for voyeuristic pleasure, some dude in a the cultural differences between American and Asian “yeah strip clubs are okay, if violet coloured speedo, and a quad of wooly bullys. you’re into that sort of fucking. Where the trash girls moan and groan, the My obsession with Asian porn has just Asians sound like crying babies, and where American thing,” or “I’ve never been… I love Jesus.” I get about run its course, but if someone knows of one that the creeps just thinking about it. porno searches for guys with large cocks and women might interest me, please let me know. Out of the two films with large breasts, Asian stars make do with what they Tex: Yeah me too, lets never speak of it viewed this month, rent the first one because it definitely has again! Pussy! Pussy! Pussy! have (or don’t have). Unlike the first film mentioned, some entertainment value and is totally jackoffable, but stay this one does not live up to its name. Reiko is the only away from the second unless you have a soft spot in your heart for girl who is worthy of the name: “pretty little Asian” not so pretty or little Asians. while the other three fit the title of “slutty little Asians” Max Crown (and one of them is even a bit tubby). This video choos-

26 Ministry from p. 11 John Ford from p. 9

That would be pretty cool. Why are none of R: All the way? the songs from Twitch ever on any of the A: Half way. We’re going all the way to half the way ‘Best Of’ albums? of all the way. by Jason Ainsworth Well, because they only gave us 72 minutes. We actually did a poll when we picked out our (The conversation digresses to how reggae great normals that attend Emily Carr. But this time, stuff of what people wanted, and we gave peo- Willie Williams came to contribute to their new album, Jenny. A New Icon for a ple what they wanted. You just gotta stuff the famous misquotes, pickled phalluses… but there’s not my god, I’m literally shaking with the memory, ballot box if you want Twitch on the next one! enough room for that.) the window was dedicated to a performance Now that anybody with a 500 MHz computer T: Shamelessly plug yourself now. New Age? th piece. I mean, really. In this day and age. A or better can have a professional quality R: We’ve got a new CD out on the 25 [of February], recording studio in their living room and Bullets for Dreamers, and a website, www.johnford- pointless man was sitting there on a chair, with record an album, what do you think this holds music.com a pile of books. He was reading a book, a huge in store for the future? T: And a video. th green one; his shoulders slumped, pretending I think that’s so awesome. I think that that is A: Which on the 25 of February, I believe, the new punk rock ethos. Same ideas. Cut out MuchMusic is planning to still not play at all. to think. The title of the piece, needless to say, the middle man, cut out the big corporations… T: It’s on ‘Loud’. John Ford is a national band now. was I think “Learning From My Mistakes”. I think it’s wonderful. All these artists are so A: We are? Christ. Look, I know he’s just a kid, possibly afraid because of their little royalties and bull- T: Yeah, you are, and the Nerve is going national. shit. I love anarchy, peace and anarchy. Those How do you feel about that? The Nerve and John not the brightest if he’s at that school, but are my two favourite dichotomies. Ford, going national? there’s no excuse for this continual reinterpre- Do you think it’s going to put more good R: Well, that’s great. tation of old trends in conceptual and perform- music or more bad music out there? Both! Just more music. There’s people that Catch John Ford live when they release their new ance-based art that were boring, conservative should be a night custodian for a living that are record at Richard’s on Richards Sunday, and staid when they were fresh in New York in music and there’s people that are night cus- March 23rd.Cowboy TexAss TWENTY FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO. It’s todians that should be musicians. It definitely does level things. What do you the damn teachers who do it. They missed their think of industrial music as a genre? Mad Caddies from p. 15 chance, of course, it’s hard, and as a result they I think Johnny Cash is great! Didn’t he just do just keep preaching the stuff that was maybe a Nine Inch Nails song? underage persuasion. Most Caddies’ shows are He sure did! He did a Depeche Mode song all-ages events, including the Sunday, March 2nd sort of relevant when they were fresh boys. too. gig at Unit 20. He says he likes it that way Actually, these failed teachers are often Well there you go. That’s your industrial king because kids go a little crazier. women. Some of them even have babies, the right there. “When there’s people reacting physi- Johnny Cash aside, Ministry has been cally to your music, that, in turn, makes you want kiss of death to rational thought. I say to these involved on the forefront of the industrial to go crazy and it makes us put on a better show,” All you people reading out there, you know teachers, “Put good stuff into the heads of these scene for a hell of a long time now. What do he says. “The difference between from when what you should do? You should shop more! ridiculous students! What about Jenny??” But you think of the industrial music scene today? you’re 17 and going to a show and when you’re I don’t think there is an industrial music scene. You can buy an assload of stuff around town, in 23 is that you might be more interested in having they never listen. We always wore that moniker kind of uncom- a beer and maybe checking out the band.” stores, etcetera. It’s good for the economy to fortably. There’s just good music, and there’s Of course, this all depends on whether have money “circulate” through stuff like In the final analysis, Jenny only costs a dollar crap music. I remember the industrial bands or not Robertson is still one of Canada’s most went out to industrial sites to get their samples. blood stuff and stuff like that. I went into a wanted. and that’s less than Emily Carr at many thou- When we started, that’s the kind of shit we “I’m trying to keep my last name out of cheap store, disgusting place, looking for con- sands of dollars, and you’ll be just as bad an were doing, and that’s fine, but the thing is, the the picture in Canada,” he says. “The Canadian doms, and in the toy aisle I had my eye filled artist either way. Thanks for reading! industrial scene to me just brings up pollution authorities have never found me and I’d like to and petro-chemical crap. with an innovation so thick with revolutionary keep it that way.” A lot of negative imagery. The incident took place at an Ottawa visual thought that it was awesome. A simple Review: Attila Lucas show at The Belkin It’s a scene I don’t really want to be a part of. show and, as Robertson recalls, his brush with the colouring book... no a colouring Mecca. It was Satellite, Feb-March 2003 And you know, ZZ Top uses sequencers and law was justified. samples and all that stuff, and Johnny Cash callled “Jenny”. It was filled with thick line “The bouncers were being really, really sings Nine Inch Nails. What is the scene any- abusive to the kids,” he says. “They punched one drawings of a pretty lady like most girls should more? kid. They threw one kid out the back for no rea- look like and would look like if they took care Whatever it is, do you think it’s progressed at son… and I didn’t throw a bottle at the guy, but I all? of themselves and did their fucken hair up nice threw it kind of near him and they freaked out and I really couldn’t tell you. The kind of stuff I called the riot police and the Patti wagon came to once in a while and stop trying to look like les- listen to at home is so much different than any- pick me up... but the promoter snuck me out he bians and crying when their irritated boyfriends thing that we would do. back.” Who are your favourite artists out there? leave them for a girl like Jenny if they aren’t And he’s been on the lamb ever since. Who’s putting out your favourite stuff right So you better check out The Caddies soon before secret fags which they probably are judging by now? the law catches up with Robertson or the market the state of modern ladies. Come on Ladies! Right now? takes a nose dive, forcing the band to Yeah, like in the last couple of months. Lose some weight and get a short dress and cut back their line-up to a one-man In the last couple of months … I don’t know Moog show. you’ll soon find a husband! Liberals, every one anything in the last couple of months. But I do of them, world’s going to hell in a handcart but know I sit at home and listen to Buck Owens, Charles Mingus, Hank Williams, George Gore from p. 23 for one dollar you could have a mess of draw- Jones, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Charlie ings of Jenny. Parker, you know, all the greats. You have a daughter right? features arachnids coming from the crotch and A 17-year old, yeah! Romay running around a lot possessed and naked. I The adventures she has are literally mind-bend- What does she think of your music? only have a French print of the film (like most of my ing. She drives a boat, and does science exper- She loves it! Well, you know what, I take that Franco collection), so the plot is sketchy, but I remem- iments, and picks apples. Yes, apples. And you back. She likes that type of music, but to her ber a lot of sex, a lot of Romay, and those very stoked I’m just dad, so I’m just like, stupid to her. satanic spiders. get puzzles, including mazes, word-searches God forbid she ever played a Ministry record MANHUNTER and WHITE CANNIBAL and crosswords! Awesome, I know, but I feel or CD. She listens to a lot of other stuff. QUEEN (1979 & 1980) I feel it necessary to include these two efforts together that, in the valuation of a colouring book, it’s This gfucken computer just crashed and erased You guys appeared in the movie A.I. How did that come about? as they have a very direct feel of cheap cannibal all about the quality of the colouring. the review of this show I just wrote and I am Kubrick’s people called before he died. romps, eye bugging giant cannibal monsters, and a lot utterly pissed off, so to recapture: So it was instigated by them? of sweet slow-mo gore scenes. You can get a lot of Well, no lie, I was coloring all night like a Yeah, it was really cool. It only took us like a aesthetic appreciation out of an extended gut ripping nanosecond to accept that. scene where you cannot see the skin break – but the monkey. - Non-stupid people already know who he is Who would be your ideal acting role? Who intestines hang out of natives mouths forever. Al - Young guy, painted nudie skinheads, some would you play? Cliver from Fulci’s ZOMBIE is in both of them as well. He fucking loses his arm right off the bat in What does this have to do with performance art other stuff, trees Who would I play? Fuck that, who would play me? WHITE CANNIBAL QUEEN. Also, watch for the in a new-academiditian conceptual frame- - New show sucks I don’t know … who would play you? amazing complaining lady that is dubbed to perfection work? Don’t ask!! All this conceptual stuff -Crap homemade paper the only thing he’s Gary Oldman! – along for the ride on a cannibal adventure. coming out of the universities, I don’t know. interested in Last but not least – what can we look forward to from Ministry in the next year? So, there you go, a nice little intro into the world of It’s all stuff. Don’t know. Stuff on the floor. -Bad, weak images A huge tour, a Lard record and a Revolting Franco horror films. The above titles are my fave Stuff here, stuff there, here goes the stuff, like -Boring, burnt out Cocks record in the next 12 months. That’s our standouts and are only the tip of the prolific Franco THAT. After a wonderful night with Jenny, I goal. iceberg (for example let’s not forget the “to the book” - I blame the Germans but very long DRACULA, any of his films that went like a fool to the art supply shop run by - Lives in Germany involved Frankenstein, and Klaus Kinski giving pros- idiots on Granville Island. Awful fate made me titutes very cheap and bloody breast reductions in walk by the library, as it calls itself, LIE-brary Franco’s rendition of JACK THE RIPPER). Next month I’ll take a stab at his erotic / porn films – some more like it, spreading lies about the Aryans. of which also have a horror slant such as FEMALE There is a large window there, which displays VAMPIRE. unwelcome works of art by the delusional sub-

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