PAGE 6 [email protected] Olive Oil ... Asparagus ... If Your Mother Is
Total Page:16
File Type:pdf, Size:1020Kb
PAGE 6 [email protected] Olive oil ... asparagus ... if your mother is not so fancy, we can shop at the gas station like normal people. Customer is always right. That's why everyone likes it. Bagboy : We bag people have feelings, you know. Homer : No, you don't. Africa! They are bound to have food there. I want to kill a lion, fight with Mohammad Ali and drive in a convertible with two happy zebras. [The Simpsons in Africa]. Here is the situation ... We are hopelessly lost and are about to drown. You must be the most boring woman on earth. [a scientist in Africa]. Steven Wright : I finally got around to the dictionary. It seems the zebra did it. [Audience laughs]. Homer : I don't get it. Lisa : Dad, zebra did not do it. It's just the last word in the dictionary. Homer : I still don't get it . Lisa : It's a joke. Homer : A joke! he he he ... I get jokes ... he he he. If God wanted us to eat in the church, he would have made a gluttonous day. Gime? What is a Gime? [Reading the 'GYM' board]. Oh Agi, two months ago, I didn't know the meaning of the word dumbbell. Sorry, I eat food only in the bar form. [Fitness freak Homer]. Bart : Wait dad, you're not risking your life just to impress me, are you? Homer : Well ... yes. Bart : COOL! My dad's a disgrace just like Bart's dad ... me. See, your mom is the steady one. That's okay in small doses. Me ... I am the risk taker. That's why I have so many adventures. Just remember, never be afraid to live your life on the edge ... Now let's get home before your mother kills us. Oh! it's a gum with a cracker center. Helper monkey, eh? Oh no, I am not handicapped. I am just lazy. Marge : The monkey is on my part of the sofa. Homer : Marge, he is just marking his territory. Look at those morons! I paid my taxes a year ago. I have a TO-DO pile?!? Marge : They want you to spy on your friends? Homer : Not spy, squeal. Homer : Does this make me look fat? [with a tape recorder strapped to his stomach to spy for the govt.] Lisa : No, it makes you look like a tool of govt. oppression. Homer : But not fat? Homer : Any illegal activities here? Response 1 : You mean like the time you made moonshine in your basement? Response 2 : Or like the telemarketing scam you pulled. Homer : Yeah like that, but involving any of you. Moe : Lenny, like you beat up president Bush? Homer : That was me ... grrrrrhhh ... I'll do it again. [Homer, Burns and Smithers are fleeing from the govt. with the trillion dollar bill in a helicopter Smithers : Wait, we're on the international waters now. Homer : Ooh hoo! we can gamble now. [throws dice in the backseat]. You're going to love Cuba, Marge. They've got shredded pork everywhere . Mr Burns, I think we can trust the PRESIDENT of CUBA!!! Burns : If loving one's country is a crime, I am guilty of that. If stealing a trillion dollar bill from our govt. and handing it to the communist Cuba is a crime, then I am guilty of it. If bribing a jury is a crime, then help me, I'll soon be guilty of that too. Homer : [gets up and salutes] God bless America! Marge : Homer, didn't John seem a little ... festive to you? Homer : Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam. Marge : He prefers the company of men! Homer : Who doesn't? I’m a lonely insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun. Homer : I suppose you want to probe me. Well, you might as well get it over with. aliens Kang and Kodos : Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us. Marge, whatever happens in the future, tell me you won't vote for Lenny. [Midlife crisis for Homer]. Marge : You made ME happy. Homer : They won't put my face on a stamp for that. They won't let me into the big people library there. Apparently there was some unpleasant incident. [Homer researching in the children's library]. Oh! that is why I have not accomplished anything. I should be like Thomas Edison! Homer : Ordinary people like you look at this table and see just a table. Inventors like me look at this table and see all kinds of things. Marge : Homer, that's our dryer. Homer : Awh!!! my papers!!! You kids are no help at all. Go to your rooms and spank yourselves. [ideas for invention]. Scientist : You find something people need and invent something to satisfy that need. Homer : like ... Scientist : Or take something that exists and find a new use for it. Homer : HAMBURGER EARMUFFS!!! Bart : I though you loved Edison. Homer : Ah! to hell with him. Look Marge, I tied the tie all by myself. Marge : The fear of getting caught is a turn-on. Homer : There's the dirty girl I married. Come on, I have a disgusting idea. I always say a boy can learn more at an airport than at any school. Movementarians : Would you like to enjoy a free weekend at our resort? Homer : Free weekend, eh? How much are you charging for it? Movementarians : It is FREE, sir. Homer : But how much is it going to cost? Movementarians : It is FREE, sir. Homer : Just what are you charging for this free weekend? Lisa : We toil in the fields and the leader drives around in a Rolls Royce? Homer : Eh! it will be nice if he buys American. What are you going to do? [the whole family in the Movementarian compound]. Marge : This is ridiculous. We are already married. Homer : But we are not MASS-MARRIED! This beans is more delicious than the ones we had for breakfast and lunch. Marge, you are the leader?!?! You don't look anything like the beans. I didn't choose to be a gifted actor, Marge. They chose me. I am just a vessel through which the genius flows. [Homer middle name episode]. Homer : NO, Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. Marge : You've lied many times on our mortgage forms. Homer : Marge , they all fall in the same line of lies. I am a grown man. I deserve a middle name. Profits, profits, profits! what kind of hippies are you? Peter Fonda must be spinning in his grave. I don't have the discipline to be a hippie. Marge : Does this mean you are going to shower again? Homer : ... perhaps ... in time. Marge : Can't you just pull that out? Doctor : I am a doctor, not a gardner. Homer : Can you atleast pluck some leaves so that I can watch TV? [A plant stuck in Homer's forehead in a fight between Homer, the hippie and the police]. If it has a toothpick in it, it is FREE! Marge : Homey, you made breakfast. Homer : Nothing is good enough for my sweety. [then feeds the eggs and bacon to the lobster in the fish tank]. ... Eat eat ... you are all skin and bones. See ... together we weigh 300 lbs. According to my driver's licence, I weigh 130 lbs. That means you weigh ... ... 460 lbs. Oh! good! [Homer with his pet lobster]. Homer : Do we have to listen to you? Guide : No, but if you have any interest in History, ... Homer : I don't ... [walks away - in the Ghost town]. What is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody. They put us on the waiting list for 'Waiting to exhale'. But they told us not to hold our breath. [Homer and Bart getting some action videos]. They are singing, Theya are singing, Marge, Wait ... wait ... here comes Marvin. He is always drunk and violent. [Homer in front of the refrigerator with an upset stomach]. O! I'll never eat chili again. Ooh! Chili!!! Apu : Who is your favorite indian folk singer? Homer : Oh! don't make me choose. Apu and Manjula are fighting]. Marge : Let's go. Homer : No, I don't want to miss a word. Marge : We don't understand anything. Homer : I think I am picking up. Shala seems to mean 'jerk' ... Manjula seems to mean some kind of spaceship. She is not going to leave you before the Valentine's Day. It's like going to ... before the plane crash. [Apu and Manjula]. It's easy to blame myself. It's even easier to blame Apu. He is making us all look bad. [about romancing the spouse]. Marge : I am going to snuggle your brains out. Homer : I think I have a collapsed lung ... but Okay. [after the skywriting adventure/mishap]. Lisa : Why didn't you use YOUR room? Homer : It didn't occur to me. My brain does not work in a crisis. [using Lisa's room for Omni cell phone company after the Bill of Rights destruction]. Doctor : The best medicine for stress is laughter. You should chuckle. Lisa : I am not the chuckling type. Homer : That's true. I am always making funny noises and she never chuckles. Lisa, guess who won the pen-clicking contest? Bart said it was stupid and stopped and I won! Karma ceuticals woman : Namaste! Homer : And booga booga to you too. Karma ceuticals woman : This is the sensory depravation tank. It blocks all the external stimuli that bombards our souls.