PAGE 6 April 1,1997 F*m and Andy Hershbergfer reaks Confessions of a Masturbation Junkie

Slappy L Beef already know, but just aren't willing Chronic Masturbator to admit it. CMS is Chronic Mastur- bation Syndrome. CHSWS, it's pre- For the past few months I have viously only known cure, is been living a lie. I have told my Constantly Having Sex With Some- friends, my family, the Deceiver one. The Paul Ruben Center, named Weekly staff and you, my beloved for the former children's TV star Pee readers, that I have been at school in Wee Herman who took his future England, while making up ridiculous into his own hands, takes a different and improbable stories about a place approach. I have never in fact been to. I have The first step was to remove any spared you from the truth because it temptation or opportunity. Needless was too painful. But now, it's time to say, any and all images or thoughts for some pain. of women were removed from my I have been undergoing treatment brain through a painful, yet exhila- at the Paul Ruben Center for CMS, rating Ludwigo's Treatment. in rural Montana (that's sort of re- After this failed to fully clear up dundant). CMS is a crippling disease, my condition, the clever doctors put which to some degree or another af- me back in the booth and removed fects almost half the men in America all thoughts or images of Sting. This between the ages of 12 and 90. Until procedure once and for all put an end the ground breaking research at the to my dirty little habit, and I no longer Paul Rubins center, the only known needed the special pants with shal- cure for CMS was the condition low, widely spaced pockets. known as CHSWS. CHSWS is al- Despite the fact that the immedi- most as debilitating, but lots more ate symptoms had been cured, it was fun. still essential that I received intense Many of you must be wondering, psychotherapy to uncover my what is CMS? Many of you probably SEE JACK OFF, PAGE IX The Siskel Controversy

Give Me Back My Phone Pictures, Inc. Daugasgod Asdaug Asgodasdaug enthusiastic film goer who has made Retriever Weekly film critic Jamie Peck (enter) has gained Hollywood acknowledgement by director George Lucas, who cast him Deceiver Staff Writer a career out of a personal pleasure. in this enhanced scene in his Return of the Jedi Special Edition. He comes across as an amiable loser, In one of the most talked about the kind you would expect to see in a events in film criticism history Gene dark theater munching more than his UMBC Critic Becomes a Big Hollywood Star Siskel and Roger Ebert have split fair share of popcorn and laughing at ways and will no longer work to- obscure film references. Basically a A Firsthand Account of Life, Hormone Shots and Photo Shoots in Tinsel Town gether. The reason for this split has likeable man that you're glad is on been linked directly to the postponed the other side of the TV screen far Woody Wood Peck movie reviews caught his eye when animatronics and puppets and cos- really flying in for more movies publication of Roger's autobiography away from the family. Roger Ebert Wannabe he was changing the poop tray in his tumes, but needed someone to sub in and stuff (real classy projects, like Raised On Film. Yet this fat boy makes good cha- parrot's cage. He said I know a lot as Princess Leia in her slave girl out- musical versions of Silence of the : The book, initially due out in late risma is lost once the boundary be- I was teaching yoga to the edito- about movies - that I was a better fit. Hey, we all have to start.some- Lambs and Braveheart, a Disney May, was to contain a forward writ- tween viewer and associate is rial board in The Retriever Weekly critic than Rex Reed—and wondered where, right? cartoon about Richard Speck and ten by Gene, in which Gene described crossed, and I alas have crossed that offices one day back in November how I felt about the new Star Wars So I began a vigorous program the long-awaited sequel to working with Roger. Unfortunately boundary. when the phone rang. Being clos- editions he was going to be releasing with the guy who trains dogs and cats Showgirls), but I'm going to stick Gene was apparently too busy to I never liked Roger, not the first est to the front desk, I untucked my in early 1997.1 said I Was a big fan for those adorable Disney films with UMBC for now, y'know, be- write the piece himself and hired out day I met him, not today, and never legs from behind my head and ran — that Return of the Jedi was the first where the animals keep getting lost, cause with the gross percentage I'm a company to ghostwrite it for him. in between, but I was getting a pay- over to answer it. The feminine movie I remember seeing in a movie only they communicate to each other yeilding from Jedi I can actually The Retriever Weekly is proud to check, so I'd make do. Yet sometimes monotone on the other end asked theater ... or was it / Spit On Your using the voices of Sally Field and afford the exorbitant tuition fees be one of the few publications able money can't cover the emotional cost for Jamie Peck, I responded that Grave? Michael J. Fox. The weight loss was here. to print the piece in full. of dealing with a flatulent overeater, that's who was speaking, and they "Either way," Lucas went on, "I quite impressive, though, but that on So, what's next for me? Well, particularly when confined to small said, "Please hold for George really think you've got a special tal- top of all the hormone shots to fill I'm planning some lightweight MY WORK WITH A MARTYR spaces with that individual during Lucas." ent." I asked him how he knew I out the gold bikini wore me out stuff that I can manage school and By Gene Siskel travel. Now, at that point I had to sit could tuck my legs behind my head. quickly. newspaper stuff on top of. For in- It's been over 20 years since I One of my strongest memories of down. I mean, I was about to talk There was a pause, and then he con- As it turns out, I'm in the movie in stance, I'm going to be flying to started working with Roger, and I Roger is the time we flew from Chi- to the guy who invented Star Wars\ tinued. "No ... I'm talking about the a blink-and-you'11-miss-it shot. But New York next weekend to don a must admit they've been the 20 most cago to L. A. in order to make a pub- But while half of me was on cloud movie writing. Listen, I'm just about the whole experience was very re- powdered wig for George's May eventful years of my life. lic appearance at a film festival. nine, the other half wondered what to shoot the new footage for Jedi, and warding. I got to be sexually harassed issue cover photo shoot. To start off with, I never intended Roger had eaten one of his typical George Lucas would be doing call- I'd be honored if you'd do a cameo and demeaned by a three-ton slug John-John is such a character — to work with the fellow, having found all starch meals, something covered ing me up at my place of work in for me." I said yes immediately and puppet, I got to be in a major motion originally, he wanted artists to his reviews to be puerile criticism, the with garlic — everything Roger eats the middle'of a yoga session. After rushed right out to BWI and hopped picture that opened at number one at body-paint the words of the Con- sort one would expect from a two- is covered in garlic. His sandwiches, a few refrains from the Star Wars on a plane to Hollywood. the box office, I got to shave parts of stitution on me a la one of those year-old with a severe learning dis- his eggs, his pancakes, his coffee — soundtrack, I heard a click and then And now, a mere five months later, my body that I never though I'd have Demi Moore poses in Vanity Fair, ability, yet a TV contract of quite a it all gets the garlic ~ so he stank. a voice spoke: "Hello, Jamie. This I am something of a local celebrity. to shave before and I even got plas- but I had to protest on the grounds few thousand dollars persuaded me Yet the meal wasn't all that made is George Lucas. How are you?" Well, not quite yet, but I'm definitely tic surgery to take care of all the dam- that I was still getting my butch fig- otherwise. It would be a decision that Roger smell, for he forgot to bathe. I told him I was fine. He began on my way. As it turned out, Lucas age the hormones caused. I feel so ure back after that whole Star Wars forever affected me. Have you ever smelled a 300-plus commenting me and telling me he was shooting a new scene in Jabba's close to Hollywood right now. hormone fiasco. But hey, at least On our weekly show, At The Mov- man who forgot to shower, and is was a big fan ever since one of my Palace. He had all of the old As you can imagine, the offers are I'm more limber with yoga now. ies, one gets the image of Roger as a SEE SISKEL, PAGE-... UH ... 8 Quotes From The Quad What Drug Has Had the Greatest Impact on Your Life?

Cobra Commander Tygra Shaggy Space Ghost The Joker National Terrorist Leader Thundercat Whip Expert Holder of the Scooby Snacks Futuristic Diety/Talk Show Host Ringling Clown Gone Bad

"Nitrus and helium." "Rogaine with monoxydil." "Zoinks! Marijuana, of course! 'Anabolic steroids." "Crack! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!' Hey Scooby, pass the doobie!"" photos by Verbal McTalkypants