Issue 16 2017
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Movie Magic Swing Votes To The Bone Samantha Gianotti has a thing for John Cazale; A columnist’s take on the various political A rallying call for better on-screen wants to tell you all about it parties partying down representation of the realities of mental illness [1] ENROL BY 23 AUGUST AND MAKE VOTING EASY. elections.org.nz 0800 36 76 56 ISSUE SIXTEEN CONTENTS 7 10 ENROL BY 23 AUGUST NEWS COMMUNITY AND MAKE VOTING EASY. QUICK TO CLICK GETTING RID OF RAPE CULTURE Save us from rise of “clickbait” news clogging our social media How can we prevent rape elections.org.nz feeds culture at university? 0800 36 76 56 13 22 LIFESTYLE FEATURES SIPPIN’ ON SANGRIA THEY’RE GONNA “GACHA” GOOD Is it Summer yet? ‘Cos we sure as hell want to shove our faces Isaac Chen looks at the addic- in some sangria tive qualities of gacha games 26 34 ARTS COLUMNS AN ODE TO SENSE8 WAR OF WORDS No one can sense the presence Michael Clarke on how J R R of Sense8 anymore :( Tolkien wrote to relieve PTSD New name. Same DNA. ubiq.co.nz 100% Student owned - your store on campus [3] EDITORIAL Catriona Britton Samantha Gianotti Balls Up With a crisp breeze whipping up the thigh slits is not “Mr Brightside”, and it is also the same song lieve,” I start reminiscing to a crowd of 1999ers of our dresses and shrinking our nips down to they started with last year and, in fact, the entire after a few wines. “An afterball that actually went the shape of frozen peas, the Craccum editorial first bracket of songs was the same as it was last off. I watched that car park glitter in the dark last team entered Shed 10 dressed up like a goddamn year, so we held out hope that they would play “Mr time the ball was held at this affordable, I mean, advertisement for every political party: three in Brightside” later. They played “Mr Brightside” last fancy and atmospheric, venue. All these mo- black, two in red, two in blue, one in green, one year. ments will be lost in time, like the leftover alco- in white (Anoushka, so angelic as to take one for hol is ‘lost’ by the AUSA Executive. Time to die.” the team and be the “I don’t like to disclose my The Dessert Diaries by Hannah As my boyfriend who spent the following 16 political affiliation” person for the night). Some people go for the dancing, others for the hours emptying bowls of my vomit can attest, What followed was a merriment of drinks. I went for a night of merriment with my this last part is only a slight exaggeration. head-banging, dabbing, dashing to the bar, Craccum pals, and the dessert (mainly the des- dashing to the loo, dashing for dessert, dashing sert). Last year there were cakes—so many cakes. Then they played “Everlong”, and then they said through the bros in a drunk-filled lad display. Oh Cupcakes, cheesecakes, round cakes. We all re- that it was their last song, and we all thought they what fun it was, laughing all the way. membered the cakes. “Dessert will be served at were joking because no one apart from the Foo Keep reading for some of our editors’ experi- 10:30pm.” At 10:25pm, I watched the tables Fighters themselves would end a set with a Foo ences of their night. being rolled out (under the pretence of dancing, Fighters’ song, but it was their last song, and we but really I was just moving my lips and waving had to go. They never played “Mr Brightside”. They started with a mix of Disney songs, which was my arms, having positioned myself on the dance fine, but it was not “Mr Brightside”. They included floor so that I had a perfect view of the dessert sta- Agnes by Anoushka a song from Monsters Inc, but it is not a Disney tion). Others meandered towards the dessert bar; When they took me, I was doing water aerobics film, as Disney purchased Pixar five years after the I bounded over the tables. There were no cakes— with Susan. A man caught me in a giant net film was released, but Disney also doesn’t own “Mr only a “build-your-own”, “D.I.Y”, “chefs are too and screamed that “they” needed “hot, steamy Brightside”, so the fact that “Mr Brightside” wasn’t lazy to cook so now we just make the guests do it vegetables.” I was frightened. “Wh-who needs played at this stage of the evening was to be expected. and market it as deconstructed”, ice cream sundae them?” I asked, nervously. “The children,” barked table. Dessert let me down, but my Craccum pals the man. He was very angry. But if I was honest For Whom the Belly Tolls by Samantha never do. What a night of merriment! with myself, I was into it. No one had asked me Online shopping is always something of a risk. for hot, steamy vegetables in 20 years—not since Sizing is difficult. Sometimes the fabric isn’t too Then they played “Gold Digger”, and the singer Richard left me for that whore, Ethel. crash hot. Sometimes you buy a black wrap dress said “n*****” in the lines where Kanye said “n*****” But all I had in my refrigerator were the veg- off Boohoo.com that has a slinky leg opening and he didn’t even attempt to self-censor, which etables I was married in, 67 years ago. “We can’t that let’s you feel like you’re emulating Angelina wasn’t fine, and it still wasn’t “Mr Brightside”. use these,” I told the big, handsome man. “No, Jolie à la the 2012 Oscars but your already-pale no, no, no, no!” he shouted. “What you have here complexion and the fact that you’ve avoided sun Shed 10 in Rain Monologue by Isobel is exactly what we need!” And then he pulled out for the last 11–13 months means your leg looks “You’re quite old, aren’t you,” says the security a giant pot filled with—no—it couldn’t be— more like one of those toothy penis monsters guard. I laugh, deepening the crow’s feet, and “Yes. Now boil these vegetables in my piss, that ate Andy Serkis in King Kong. Sometimes, snatch back the shameful proof of my 1994 Agnes. It’s what they deserve.” you don’t realise when you try on your dress with birth. Somehow, the Craccum team hobbles up So, for ten hours each week, I sneezed into a the slinky leg opening that when you sit down, the Shed 10 stairs without crutches. pot of vegetables that would be served in what said leg opening opens way, way up, exposing In preparation for a rapidly approaching they described as “hell, but freezing cold.” When your long-neglected midriff. Children scream. future as someone’s embarrassing mum, I’m up they came to take the vegetables, they punched People cry out for God’s swift and merciful re- to dance as soon as the band starts. One Night me in the tits, and handed me a crisp $10 note. lease from their mortal coil. Use fashion tape, Stand have barely updated their repertoire in the “Keep the change,” they said. “We’re being folks. Be safe out there. time that I have become a grizzled veteran of four reimbursed.” AUSA balls and their tunes take you right back Then they played “Sunday Morning” by Maroon 5, to the good old days of 2014, 2015 and 2016. They never played “Mr Brightside”, so we sang it which was fine because that song is a banger, but it “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t be- ourselves. ◆ [5] NEWS The (Unofficial) History of AUESA AFTER THE REMAKE THAT NOBODY WANTED THIS SEMESTER, PATRICK NEWLAND TAKES US THROUGH THE AUESA’S RECORDED ACTIVI- TIES TO DATE After sparking hot-tempered controversy One notable apparent member included stand down as Human Rights Commissioner, around their potential regulation at the begin- Adam Holland, a former Auckland mayoral claiming “ANZAC heroes did not go to war ning of the year, the self-described “Auckland candidate, who arrived at the AUSA Mayoral so their children and grandchildren could be University European Students Association” Debate last year in Shadows in an intoxicated treated like second class [sic] citizens,” in ap- made itself known again in the first two weeks state, creating a brawl while wearing a Kaf- parent reference to Māori and Pasifika Univer- of this semester, leading to a confrontation tan and brown face paint. He has previously sity scholarships. between some of its members and an informal described himself as New Zealand’s Donald After the confrontation outside Shad- group of university students at Shadows Bar a Trump and recently created a video posted to ows—in which group member Nick Chen week ago Friday. the organisation’s Facebook page that drew a appeared to be escorted away by Police—such While witnesses described the altercation comparison between former Prime Minister controversial posts were removed from the as little more than a “heated debate” between Helen Clark and Hitler. Facebook page, with the group claiming it had the two parties, around ten Police officers -ar While at the time the organisation’s Pres- “appointed new leaders”. rived at the scene to separate the two groups. ident claimed that the group was not “white When asked as to why the posts had been The altercation was prompted by a re- supremacist in any way”, the group’s posts over deleted, they claimed they “were not particu- cent declaration on the AUESA Facebook the last month have sought to attack the Māori larly relevant to our organisational objectives.” page, which called for its members to meet and Pacific Admission Scheme in particular.