The Cure for Twenty percent of married couples in the US haven’t had SEXLESS sex in the past year. If that’s true for you, By Elizabeth Kuster we have a plan. BURAZIN/GETTY IMAGES BURAZIN/GETTY

70 PREVENTION.COM · JULY 2016 JULY 2016 · PREVENTION.COM 71 L can do to regain physical intimacy. is, why desire ebbs, and what couples explain what a sexless really therapists, ob-gyns, and sex researchers marriage—is in trouble. Here, sex whether their sex life—and their it leaves many people wondering we all experience as we age.” health, hormonal, and lifestyle changes ality naturally evolves in response to the sex therapist. “That’s because our sexu says Ian Kerner, a New York City–based with, particularly in couples over 40,” relationships are the No. 1 issue I deal to sex and marriage experts. “Sexless hadn’t had sex in the past year. that, on average, 20% of 3 months. Another revealed survey hadn’t had sex in the previous found that 12% of married couples for the Study of Family and Culture commissioned by the Austin Institute to marriage gripes in the US. A survey phrases most-Googled when it comes year that “sexless marriage” is one of the Stephens-Davidowitz discovered last the latest research. Data scientist Seth That’s a different story, according to 72 are year each sexless. or times fewer say who have that couples nine sex experts Some simple. isn’t answer The What Is “Sexless” Anyway? While this transition may be normal, These findings come as no surprise PREVENTION.COM PREVENTION.COM sex sex and marriage? and carriage, but together like a horse marriage OVE AND OVE · JULY2016

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- it is that one will be unhappy. the larger the discrepancy, the more likely have sex as often as the other does—and means that one partner doesn’t want to desire discrepancy (SDD). Simply put, it uating your physical connection: sexual term that may be more useful when eval If “sexless” is too vague, there’s another Mismatched Libidos and researcher Justin Lehmiller. says Ball State University sex educator versary, and they’re satisfied with that,” only have sex once a year on their anni be a bad thing. are “There people who couples, “nine times or mayfewer” not always mean much is that for some becomes a canyon you can’t cross.” you between gap the years, the “Over him,” touch to says. you she want doesn’t but you loves supposedly who a person to next lie to than alone be to lonely “It’s less 14 years. for marriage She’sa sexless in been well: too all feeling that knows Diego, San from old like you’re a million miles apart.” between you and your partner. You feel sexless relationship, there’s a real rift so they’re just in a dry spell. But in a sex, but life keeps getting in the way, other attractive and want to have Kerner. “A couple may still find each perception of those numbers,” says numbers and more with a spouse’s in frequency are personal. preferences since sexless a marriage that argue can no Others deem outsider Another reason the numbers don’t Cathy (not her real name), a 51-year- “For me, it has less to do with

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PHOTO CREDIT HERE Not necessarily. It was assumed that men need and women want less. more sex

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frankly, that’s what attracted with previous partners. But, fiery kind of passion D haven’t had sex in 9 months. anniversary, and we about to celebrate our 17th 74 “ M A M ave, we didn’t have the I y husband and and husband y E exhaustion, and ’V ND PREVENTION.COM PREVENTION.COM ARRIAGE ven when when ven turn turn down the boredom can Weight gain, heat in your E bedroom. B I ’M OK W I EE first met I are I N ’d had · JULY2016 I FO N I A

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EXLE EAR I T T . he other guys ” S, SS SS I ’d C gained 54 pounds and had a year. a gone We’ve spells got longer and longer. child was born, the dry more. once a month, sometimes we were doing it at least emotional connection. that because kind. off tear-your-clothes- the wasn’t on. We did have sex, but it -section, and When we got married, T hen, after our first I was was I valued the O D K with ave was I had

SHEER PHOTO, INC./GETTY IMAGES fluctuates, but we always a good division of labor that children is strong. We have is strong. relationship depends on how you define suffer for the lack of sex? became the new normal. the lack of physical intimacy closeness, and eventually baby, so month. traveling 3 weeks out of the response from him at all. Nothing Nothing all. at him from response no get and my husband for outfits What’s wrong with me? wonder, to I started so sex, is want guys all that believe to Cathy. raised was “I did,” my husband says than more sex I wanted because a freak I was I thought “For years, a marriage. on toll emotional a major take can and experience SDD. also can couples Same-sex says. she desire,” sexual lower have to likely equally are women and men that found studies Kentucky. of “Our University the at Lab Promotion Health Sexual the of director Mark, Kristen says out, that borne hasn’t research But less. want women and sex more need men that assumed was It libidos: female and male in differences inherent on impossible to describe.” almost is you to does it damage The myself. I blamed so worked, I tried But beliefs in this stereotype persist persist stereotype this in beliefs But SDD blame to used Many people D oes our relationship I was focused on our our on focused was I O didn’t miss our ur love for our . O ur partnership I t I’d wear sexy sexy I’d wear

to him. I in having sex with fact, to us hopping in the sack. the closeness doesn’t lead close to him—even though But then, makes me feel closer to him. Friday afternoons, and that been going to the movies on months ago, and we’ve done. stuff get to together work ’m not sexually attracted I ’m not even interested D

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I ’ve never felt married couples who go through the are perspective. “There plenty of sex life from a quality-versus-quantity son trap, it may help to view your current have sex 20 or 25 times a month.” ical relationship in the beginning. We’d to really enjoy sex. We had a very phys says. “It’s unsettling, because she used wife views sex with me as a chore,” he gles with. “It sometimes feels like my pseudonym) of Cedar Rapids, IA, strug were infatuated with each other.” one you had when you and your partner to compare your current sex life to the and new,” says Kerner. “But it isn’t fair experiences when sex was spontaneous sex lives, they usually remember peak to have. “When people reflect on their current situation to the sex we used than our own. We also compare our that other people’s sex lives are better Another challenge is the assumption The Comparison Trap D If you’ve gotten stuck in the compari It’s a problem that James (another ave. not I n

JULY rhythm doesn’t involve sex. I T necessarily in a bad way. the relationship—but not change, and that changes young and slowly you both meet someone when you’re soccer coach. children’s father and their pheromones. my have a rhythm, even if our hings are good. 2016 T he way

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is miserable, it’s time to partner? life bother you or your Does the lack of a sex spell trouble. can’t remember it” could experience? you view it as a negative sex with your spouse, do to the last time you had When you think back that’s cause for concern. it’s constantly an issue, spells are normal, but if problem? Is lack of sex an ongoing with your number.) both you’re but yes (Skip this if the answer is times in the past year? have sex fewer than 10 Did you and your spouse I f either of you O ccasional dry ccasional “ Y es” or “ I f you answer yes to any of these questions, O IS K R I

Y EALL it may be time to seek help. O happier in their relation affectionate touching are who engage in more Studies show that people rarely kiss and cuddle? Do you and your spouse about your sexlessness. talk with a professional the sheets because he’s like he just wants to hit with you? wants to be intimate have sex because he your spouse wants to Do you rarely feel like may erode over time. esteem and self-worth self? your about bad feel you Is lack of sex making sexually satisfied. ships as well as more UR MARRIAGE

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BRAND NEW IMAGES/GETTY IMAGES • culprits to consider: or your partner’s interest in sex.” Some of factors that might undermine your “You can end up with a perfect storm lot going on as we age,” says Lehmiller. mental, or emotional reasons. “There’s a Over time, libido can dip for physical, ally in-sync couples to experience SDD. It’s not unusual for even the most sexu When Desire Goes MIA sex week. every preferable to having emotionally distant satisfying for both of you, that might be times a year but it’s always intimate and and your husband make love only eight than a sexless couple’s union. If you that doesn’t make their marriage better sex, but they don’t really enjoy it.” And Promotion. may “They have frequent University Center for Sexual Health Herbenick, director of the Indiana motions and have ‘duty sex,’ can’t perform,” says Herbenick. out of their desire if they’re worried they tion. “Some men may talk themselves concern to deal with: erectile dysfunc page.) next the on Life” Your Sex Hurt could be to blame, see “5 Drugs That Can (To find out whether a med you’re taking required to treat the illness,” she says. limits sexual activity or the medication cine. “It can be the disease itself that sciences at the Yale School of Medi obstetrics, gynecology, and reproductive Mary Jane Minkin, a clinical professor of and that can make sex challenging, says sion become more common with age— Illness.

Men have a unique libido-lowering

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” says Debby - - - - says. “They don’t experiment.” experiment.” don’t “They says. things,” new do she not may years 15 or 10 together been have who “Couples Minkin. to according marriages, College of Medicine. and atgynecology SUNY Downstate clinical assistant professor of obstetrics holistic gynecologist Eden Fromberg, a tion to something other than sex,” says body that you should be paying atten ness, dampening desire and telling your tissues that mediate sexual responsive bodies is mediated through the same fight-or-flight response encoded in our lem, too. “When you’re stressed, the component evolutionary to the prob could diminish libido. There may be an even trigger hormonal changes that hard to concentrate on sex, and it may desire for sex,” says Lehmiller. related to both sexual function and your tant for your sexual health because it’s could help your libido. “Sleep is impor- But spending more time in bed (asleep) tions—and of modern life in general. common side effect of several medica many health conditions, and it’s also a • • • • physically attractive as you used to. weight, you might not find him as If your partner is the one who gained self-conscious about your appearance. much energy for sex or you might feel on extra pounds, you may not have as find gottenthey’ve heavier. If you’ve put unusual for spouses of both sexes to get fit and stay fit after 40, so it’s not Weight gain. Tiredness. Boredom. Stress. Constant Constant tension can make it This is a big issue in sexless sexless in issue a big is This Fatigue is a symptom of JULY

It becomes harder to 2016

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• Anger and resentment. Emotional vital to discuss the causes—without baggage—whether it’s in the form of blame. “It’s important not to put the old grudges, lingering hostility and burden on the partner who has lower resentment, jealousy, or blame—can do desire,” says Mark. “Couples have to meet a number on your libido. “Some people in the middle.” If a health issue is the get upset at their spouse for very big culprit, see your doctor. Couples counsel- things, like cheating and lying,” says ing or sex therapy can also help. Herbenick. “For others, it’s ‘he treats • Flip your script. Sometimes a change me like a maid.’ ” in perspective can make a difference. “If your partner says, ‘I’m horny and I Reigniting Your Sex Life need sex,’ you might think, Ugh. He just If you and your partner feel more like wants to get off. That doesn’t make me roommates than lovers, this advice can feel wanted,” says Herbenick. “But what help you find your spark again. if you changed that to He finds me really If kids and other stressors • Talk with your spouse about how hot or He really loves me?” have driven a wedge between your SDD began. It won’t be the easiest • Pencil it in at least once a week. conversation you’ve ever had, but it’s “It sounds unromantic, but when you, Step 1 is to talk about it — couples schedule sex, they’re prepared,” without blame. says Lehmiller. “They know it’s going 5 DRUGS THAT to happen. They can shut off work and CAN HURT other stresses earlier in the evening YOUR SEX LIFE so they’re ready and relaxed.” (Bonus: today. I don’t know what was going on exciting, and What I absolutely refuse to Advance scheduling can help build in my unconscious, but wow, we were…’ try. Then compare lists to identify activi- Antihistamines These drugs dry up your sinuses, but they can also sap moisture anticipation and act as foreplay.) and then fill in the blank with something ties you’re both willing to explore. from other mucous membranes— • Just do it. One advantage women have a little surprising,” he says. • Redefine sex. It doesn’t have to be including the vagina. over men is that they can choose to have • Tweak your sexual routine. Even vaginal, and it doesn’t have to end Birth control pills They limit the (already sex even when they’re not really in the small changes can turn up the heat. “You in (that adds too much pres- small) amount of libido-boosting tes- mood. That doesn’t sound like a positive, don’t have to put on a production,” says sure). And don’t discount the value of tosterone your ovaries produce, which but doing so may boost your desire, sex therapist and researcher Christine cuddling. Even intimate acts that don’t hampers desire. says Minkin. “If a woman’s attitude is Milrod. “Something as minor as a foot include touching—reading a book out Blood pressure medications Antihyper- tensives can lead to . ‘I’m going to start having sex with my rub can make a difference.” Take sexual loud to each other, enjoying a candlelit Pain medications They numb pain—and husband because that’s going to increase inspiration wherever you find it. “My dinner—can help you get back in sync. all other sensations, including the sexual our intimacy and improve our relation- friend discovered that watching sex • Don’t give up. “People who have been ARCHIVE. variety. The stronger the medication you’re ship,’ that increased sexual contact can K scenes in the show Scandal got her inter- married for a long time might think sex taking and the higher the dose, the greater actually trigger her libido,” she explains. ested in her husband again,” says Mark. is a no-brainer because they know what the effect on your desire. /TRUN • Share your fantasies. If you feel shy • Learn each other’s turn-ons. They buttons to push,” says Milrod. “But it’s Psychiatric medications The selective ONE B serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) class of about giving your husband the details, may have changed over the years. Milrod actually the opposite. The longer you’re

Kerner recommends telling him that RATH suggests that each spouse make a list with someone, the higher the expecta- antidepressants—which includes Prozac, Zoloft, and Lexapro—is infamous for you had a dream about him. “Say, ‘I had in private with three headings: What I tions and the more effort it takes. So OMAN’S SHOES: MERAL YILDIRIM/GETTY IMAGES YILDIRIM/GETTY MERAL SHOES: OMAN’S

dampening libido. the sexiest daydream about you at work TRAVIS W find sexually exciting, What I might find don’t get discouraged.”

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