THE h o t t i e OF THE LINING BIRDCAGES SINCE 1997 FRENCH ISSUE month EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Todd Nienkerk olores MANAGING EDITOR Kristin Hillery DESIGN DIRECTOR JJ Hermes Gifter of Bibles ASSOCIATE Elizabeth Barksdale EDITORS Ryan B. Martinez D WRITING STAFF Kathryn Edwards Who is this hot Magdalenian mama beckoning me to her Bradley Jackson Fertile Crescent? Your lips, swollen with Passion, coax me into Chanice Jan Todd Mein the sizzling sinlessness of scripture. Did you spill some Holy John Roper Joel Siegel Water on your lap, or are you just anticipating the Rapture? Christie Young Press me against your virginal bosom so I can be DESIGN STAFF David Strauss born again, and again — and again! Christina Vara ADVERTISING Emily Coalson vital stats PUBLICITY Stan Babbitt Hobbies: Accepting missionary positions, being an open book, shopping at the Dress Barn, DISTRIBUTION Stephanie Bates “Bible”-beating, being on her knees WEBMASTER Mike Kantor ADMINISTRATIVE Erica Grundish Turn-ons: submission, “Dogma,” destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, Abel SUPERVISOR Turn-offs: Getting off the high horse, abridging, “The DaVinci Code”, polytheism, birth ADMINISTRATIVE Leala Ansari control, Cain, lap dances, Darwin, the Pope-mobile ASSISTANTS Doug Cooper Jef Greilich Sara Kanewske meeting at busy intersections to play right-of-way • People running to class look funny and deserve to Lindsay Meeks games with speeding vehicles. be laughed at. Jill Morris Garrett Rowe • Overeager returning students will continue to • The 40 Acres Buses will be renamed “40- Toby Salinger like school enough for the both of you. Thousand Acres.” If they weren’t traveling 40,000 Ari Schulman around • Captain Clueless will attempt to charm you by acres, why else would they take so goddamn long Laura Schulman turning courteous small talk into a biographical and travel caravan-style? Eric Seufert discourse about himself. • Someone at a Union lunch table will use the Stephen Short campus • Students who shake entire rows of seats with word “hegemony,” reminding anyone who might FACULTY ADVISOR John Ruszkiewicz their furious leg-tapping will sit next to you dur- have forgotten that they are indeed on a college • 80 percent of girls on their cell phones between ing written exams. campus. CONTACT classes aren’t talking to anyone. • Will idiots ever stop answering professors’ rhetori- • Freshmen who walked into the wrong classroom on PHONE (512) 471-7898 • People in cabs will scoff at the burgeoning under- cal questions out loud? No. the first day have brought upon their families a kind of EMAIL [email protected] class of E-Bus patrons. • University researchers have discovered a new disgrace that can only be undone by hari-kari. WEB www.texastravesty.com • Neo-hipsters will pay $4 for a coffee at Metro, planet, reminding all of us that they have a really • Bevo XIII will celebrate his liberation from the MAIL Texas Travesty • UT Austin even though they secretly just wanted a Coke and expensive telescope. crippling pain of being a football mascot by P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 a seat at the popular table in the cafeteria. • Student organizations will increase their efforts to drooling on his hooves in a perpetual, Quaalude- EDITORS EMERITUS • Alumni who bring their young kids to football get our attention, not realizing that they turned us induced haze. games off by coming on too strong to begin with. Back • The Confederate statues on the South Mall will Kevin Butler Ben Stroud will try to convince themselves that they 1997 2000-2001 weren’t drunken hooligans in college. No, I won’t off, Rugby — I’m proud to be an American. reanimate, sneak over to the MLK statue and com- Brad Butler Trevor Rosen tone my language down, asshole. • Presidential candidates’ brothers will be disappoint- mit a third act of vandalism. Security cameras will 1997-2000 2001-2003 • The Future Dead Pedestrians of America will be ed when no one recognizes them on the West Mall. again blame it on “light-skinned” teenagers. LEGALESE The Texas Travesty is the student humor publication at the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work VOLUME 7 • ISSUE 1 of (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where public figures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to SEPTEMBER 2004 any persons living or dead is coincidental. The inthisissue It’s Zach Galifianakis! views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect the views of Texas Student Publications, the University of Texas at Austin, or pretty much FEATURES NEWS OPINION anyone. All material printed is property of the 5 John Ashcroft’s collection of 2 Support our troops with a car 3 Tilde vs. Umlaut: The catty Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, regardless of the double-jointed skulls magnet; Unicorns having unisex subculture of backbiting foreign pretty pictures. 41 Antidecongestants 99 Bottles of beer on the wall, 99 typography SHOUT OUTZ TO... 78 The Red Baron and You: how bottles of beer #9 The importance of teaching Übermensch; Oreos (no milk); brooms that to protect your family from G7 Soft rock, business ethics and your infant to sashay look like dildos; David Byrne’s happy ending anachronistic aerial attack other clichéd oxymorons that 44 Your doctor lied to you in our office; references that no one gets; new computers and hacked Internet; the brand that 169 Inside-Out Angels will blow your mind 313 Mommy’s black-market baby isn’t a brand; suitcases that fit bodies; Jill’s con- 1.5 Texas Exes: a bunch of red- parade; Cross-dressing for suc- tortionist talents (and eating vomit); diabetes 14 Your overenthusiasm ruined and the Democrats who spread it; restraining the Pentecostal church revival nosed old farts drinking scotch cess orders; Eric the Muscle, our new bodyguard; and tucking in their shirts Building 10; Lo Mein’s voice; the New Kid; for everyone 15 Tracheotomy Tabernacle Choir not voting because you’re Canadian; leotards; 20 Zell Miller fellates Aaron Burr’s 82 Charleton Heston pries penis performs “When Doves Cry” poultry mesh; no more shit on the staircase; art parties; The Green Monster; haunted corpse; Broccoli and other shit from his cold, dead fingers 222 What the Deuce? houses that are three feet tall; stained glass and 34 A better joke, disappointment 67% Darfur for $1 a day; I heard -(8) Oh, Shoelaces! He had a beard. Jesus; parades through apartment complexes; frumpy clothes; being a dick; orgasm ghosts; XI Is your toilet prepared for Y3K? you’re getting fired Q23 A bee-stinging reindeer getting off the high horse; Mangiasaurus Rex; 34 Sneezing into handkerchiefs Dan Rather jokes; making-noises-in-response- and other pressing issues 0.5 Kidney Stone Baseball & You; to-certain-words games; 5:45 a.m.; 5:46 a.m.; 888 Somebody calls Oprah fat 4-8 Winston Smith: I Love the ‘80s Carnival Rides for idiots Yusef Islam; repairing the minibike; condom balloons; chewing milk; Pac Man and Robin; “winningest”; back sweat; Spiderman party ILLUSTRATIONS COVER DESIGN MISFIT ZOO MARCHING BAND MODELS “GIGGLES” MODELS MARCHING BAND hats; life after death; getting fed donuts in a SEPTEMBER JJ Hermes Mike Kantor Kristin Hillery LAYOUT Paul Jordan Casey Backer MODELS cage; the reincarnation of Mr. Rogers; slow Chanice Jan Todd Nienkerk Todd Mein Mike Kantor Tina Little Adam Buck Anastasia Fawcett children; the noticeable and depressing lack of Nintendos; whoop, luh luh luh; roommates who Todd Nienkerk Todd Nienkerk Todd Nienkerk Kenny Hughes Matt Gibson refuse to go away; charisma; sweat bands; wheat 2 0 0 4 David Strauss AUSTIN SCHOLAR Joel Siegel COVER MODELS Chris Modi Joseph Gonzalez grass shots; organic sugar in your organic cof- JJ Hermes David Strauss CONTRIBUTING Mike Farah Rene Pinnell Emily Podhajsky fee; jaded, bitter nights; dandruff; reading on WRITER Sukanya Misra Brad Wallentine Tom Siders the toilet; pocket PCs; sloths that give birth CREDITS Camden Gilman Richard Ybarra upside-down; hypochondriacs on speed-dial Copyright 2004 Texas Travesty Circulation: 25,000 LINING BIRDCAGES SINCE 1997 NEWS • 3 Nationwide nagging average plummets Wife-murdering trend leaves housewives fearful Ryan B. Martinez She added: “I peed a little. Just a dot.” wife from Dallas. “When that Gray has published a follow-up to his influential ASSOCIATE EDITOR The most ready response to this faded, I would nag him male-female dialectic with a new book, “Men national shift in intramarital dynam- all the time about how are from Mars, Women are Open-Season,” WASHINGTON, DC – A handful of highly ics has been an across-the-board things weren’t what while works about Zen- and Wicca-based poi- publicized murder cases in which men are reduction in nagging. Clumsy they used to be.” son antidotes are flying off the self-help shelves accused of killing their wives has caused a fashion faux pas remain uncom- She continued: of bookstores into the hands of female readers. downturn in nationwide nagging, say cultural mented on, toilet seats are left “Nowadays, I Meanwhile, Ladies’ Home Journal has begun pundits. up and relationship problems couldn’t be more to replace enlightening content about work- “All across the country, women are plastering fester in a climate of silent relieved that he place flirting and hair accessorizing with articles on smiles, primping their hair and baking apple- dread. doesn’t take my topped by slightly more cautionary headlines: peach pies like there’s no tomorrow,” said Dr. “When Rob and I first breath away.” “How to Build an Immunity to Chloroform,” Jeanette Wilkins, a sociologist at the University met, he used to lavish me Women’s preoc- “Sleeping with Your Eyes Open is Easy (and of California at Davis.