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USING A SCRUNCHIE AS A BELT SINCE 1997 NEWS• the 3 issue IN THIS ISSUE... Editor-in-Chief Joshua Brenner TEMPLATE Managing Editor Max Friedman Associate Editors Abby Hilling 300 BCE: Drake Elizabeth Dubois 13 Billion BCE: 350,000 BCE: Drake Contributing Editors Rohit Mandalapu Drake starts from the discovers fire after discovers the clitoris for Xavier Rotnofsky bottom dropping his mixtape all womankind Design Director Maryam Amjadi

Distribution Director Vedant Peris Wifi at party only one that College student only two masturba- Guy hopes girl who hasn’t texted Social Media Director Grace Gilker remembers me tion sessions away from finishing back just missing or dead Ruby Monette-Meadow ARTICLE broom or having acne. Head Videographer Suzuka Sampson While he confesses that bullies have Writing Staff Mac McCann Benched quidditch player feels stolen his wand, turned him into a rat, Nathan Simmons Cole Gerthoffer and replaced all of his clothes with Lee “Bones” Rudder like he under invisibility cloak venomous snakes, Crumbleton still keeps Connor McCampbell a stiff upper lip as well as a stiff upper Alex Basso Area man says “showtime” before Husband still faithful despite best Automatic toilet talking self into arm, as it is currently encased in a thick entering supermarket efforts making first move Ben Sklar to coach Louisa Angly cast. “Oh, this silly thing?” Crumbleton Avery Wood fter sitting out three consecutive round of butterbeer. “I show up to every remarked, pointing to his unsigned cast. the first 9 and sell her at the airport Kelly Smith games, Gryffindor player practice, every meeting, and every game, • You are a whorish child, but you are • Listening to you talk is like listening to Design Staff Hazel O’Neil “That’s just from last week when I got Carolina Trevino Simon Crumbleton feels that but she hasn’t once said my name.” smacked by one of the beaters’ clubs. I mine and I love you an audiobook on shuffle Jenna Stoyanov heA might as well be hiding under an Crumbleton claims that even though Iman Shah didn’t see any balls near me, but I’m sure • Take away a man’s muscles and all he’s • I wish I had a shirt from my parents Administrative John Guttman invisibility cloak whenever his coach is his childhood prepared him for being his intentions were good.” left with is a house with two kids work, but I don’t think they make shirts Assistants Danielle Gonzalez around. ignored by the people from whom he Practice is every Thursday at 4 P.M. • I hate group sex, I always end up doing in prison Natalie Walrath David Williams While craves and Simon makes sure to arrive early Alyssa Fernandez “Bullies have stolen his everything while the other members • I watch British movies through a mirror other players attention, every day as well as stay late afterward goof off so the driving doesn’t confuse me Kolean Gudalj are out there he really “mysterious voice” or “is there someone Terry Huang wand, turned him into a rat, to help clean up. However, despite all • My life is a movie that went straight to • With the $4.99 a month I’m saving with • Whenever I hold my sister’s baby, I’m Cindy Turner scoring just wishes this hard work, even his best efforts go over there?” by his coach, Crumbleton the Spotify student discount, I can buy always scared that it will grow to love Rushi Patel goals and he’d get to has vowed that if he spends one more DVD Justin Lau and replaced all of his clothes unnoticed. “It’s almost like someone casts • I thought Benghazi was a type of spa- a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor in just me Makenzie Lohman winning play in a an invisibility charm on me whenever game stuck on the bench, he will roll up ghetti 2,505,010.02 years! • For Halloween I’m going as a person trophies, with venomous snakes.” single game. I’m around my team,” he continued, his sleeves, march right up to the coach, • And I would’ve gotten away with it too • If these trees could talk, you’d realize who didn’t get invited to any parties CONTACT Crumbleton During while a crowd of people proceeded to and ask politely if he can play. “It will PHONE 908-447-5803 gets the feeling that no one even notices quidditch practice, he works his hardest, take all my strength to be so brave, but if it weren’t for Shakira’s meddling hips how unbearably anti-Semitic they are • Do you know the muffin man? Because EMAIL [email protected] walk directly into him. “But that can’t him. “For once, I just wish that she but admits it is difficult to get proper I am willing to do whatever it takes.” At • Seeing my dad with that Push Pop really • Snickers is the best treat when you want I do and he ruined my parents’ marriage WEB www.texastravesty.com be true because that only happens to the MAIL Texas Travesty • UT would put me in,” said Crumbleton, training when the only one that seems to press time, Crumbleton had just failed challenged my feelings on incest to put something in your mouth that • Nothing makes me feel inadequate like unpopular kids.” P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 watching through a window of the Hog’s notice him is a Slytherin boy who only to catch the attention of an oncoming • Coming home for summer break really looks like shit holding a baseball bat next to the bare Tired of being referred to as a EDITORS EMERITUS Head as his teammates drank another mocks his mistakes, such as falling off his carriage while crossing the street. puts in perspective how bald your mom • My favorite sex position is called “the patch of skin where my genitals should Kevin Butler Ross Luippold pretzel” where I tie my girl up in a knot, 1997 2008-2009 is getting be Brad Butler Matt Ingebretson • I like Malcolm X, but I’m a bigger fan of sprinkle her with salt, dip her in cheese, 1997-2000 2009-2010 Engineer accidentally converts from meters Ben Stroud Alyssa Peters Point: Even if you are a doctor, you 2000-2001 2010-2011 Trevor Rosen David McQuary are still subject to our legal system to Presbyterianism 2001-2003 2011-2012 Look, we get it—being a doctor is a major accomplishment. The Todd Ross Nienkerk Katherine Swope HOUSTON — NASA engineer, Jason Riley, unwittingly converted from meters 2003-2005 2012-2013 amount of time and effort needed to become one is so substantial Kristin Hillery Nick Mehendale to Presbyterianism while working on plans for the company’s latest rocket, the Star 2005-2006 2013-2014 that anyone who completes it should be proud of themselves. However, David Strauss Chris Gilman Destroyer. “I think these new religious connotations concerning the mathematical 2006-2007 2014-2015 that does not make you above the law. If anything, being a doctor means Veronica Hansen makeup of our craft conflict with what 2007-2008 you should adhere to the law more closely than anyone. Practicing medicine we had in mind when we named it. TSM ADVERTISING without a license is a serious offense, and the fact that you tried to conduct Unavoidably, my conversion mishap Director Gerald Johnson brain surgery while only holding a Doctorate in Literature is baffling to say Operations Manager Frank Serpas creates an ideological schism—God Advertising Manager Denise Twellman the least. I get that the job market can be rough, but conducting an operation is a star-creator, not a star-destroyer,” Senior Graphic Designer Daniel Hublein you are completely unqualified for will not help you. Riley said while adjusting his spectacles 512-471-1865 [email protected] Counterpoint: I do not want to pay anxiously. “It’s our duty as men of reason to convert metrics of science SHOUT OUTZ TO... my bail / I cannot, will not go to jail to metrics of creationism.” As of press BEEF! Blogger Hans Beef Thorpe, the website I do not want to pay my bail / I cannot, will not go to jail Bing.com, spin the bottle, 1-800-HOT- time, other engineers were seen trying LINEBING, pharell.exe stopped working, About this I feel very strong / I know that I did nothing wrong Doritos in a takeout box, trashwine, Cheers to convert the NASA management Governor, Apothebread, Engorged Washing- Based off the given evidence / the judge gave too harsh a sentence ton, Xavery Quinnofsky, fingering the cross structure into a Saudi Arabian I only tried to cure his Lyme / Say now, how is that a crime? theocracy. So now I must go on the run / So that I can stay out in the sun © 2015 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. LEGALESE Circulation: 25,000 The Texas Travesty is a student humor publication at the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where public figures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to any persons living or dead is coincidental. The views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect the views of , The Travesty Fact #45: Egg is plural for eg •3 University of Texas at Austin, or pretty much anyone. All material printed is property on the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, reguardless of the pretty pictures. 4-Opinion 5 KISSING BABIES FOR TOO LONG SINCE 1997 NEWS• 4 5• NEWS TEXAS TRAVESTY • NOVEMBER 2015

1507: Michelangelo 1789: Drake throws 1814: Martha Wash- New MacBook replaces disc drive with port sees Drake nude for a penny into puddle ington saves a portrait the first time, carves in Rome, the Trevi of Drake in White for incinerating money his sculpture David fountain is formed House fire CUPERTINO, CA — Keeping true to their promise of innovation, Area woman transcends personhood to Local mom can’t wait to see if you’ve Apple replaced their MacBook’s outdated disc drive with a port attain aesthetic number value noticed exclusively for incinerating money. “Our customers often go to great CANTON, TX — Surpassing AUSTIN — After coming home from lengths to waste money on our the collective consciousness of running some errands this week, local products, so we wanted to provide all those possessing cerebral mom Sherry Fieri just could not wait to them with a more convenient and corporeal sentience, Karen see if you’ve noticed. “I don’t know about method to irresponsibly invest Donald-O’Connell transcended you, but I’m feeling really good today,” their hard earned dollar, ”Apple mere personhood last Friday Fieri said, giving a half-grin and raising representative, Alan Bris, stated. night when a man with a her eyebrows a little, clearly hoping for “We receive numerous envelopes receding hairline and no chin some kind of response. “How was your filled with money and personalized christened her a ‘solid seven.’ “I day, sweetie? That’s great, well, I made a letters pleading for new products, felt this warmth pass through kind of a big change today, do you have, so we released this incinerator to me as seven beings fashioned um, any thoughts?” As of press time, allow customers to squander their excess funds without paying postage.” At press from pure light began orbiting sources report that maybe Fieri got a time, Bris could be found brainstorming how to reach an altered state from the me and emitting colors which no sheer human eye could hope to adore,” Donald- haircut, maybe just some highlights, but recycled ash in order to create a renewable cycle of Apple creativity. O’Connell said while the chinless man yawned. “Honestly I just feel so blessed she looked pretty much the same. to at long last find myself in this higher plane of existence, and so sorry for my former companions, the common female.” At press time, Donald-O’Connell’s self- worth was put back into healthy perspective after she was reminded she was only an ‘L.A. four.” Woman considers dead houseplants good rehearsal for future children NEW ORLEANS — After successfully neglecting the needs of her houseplants to the point of death, local woman Candace Orrison considered the experience a great preparation for taking care of her future children. “I saw those wrinkled leaves falling off the stem and the soil drying up and that’s when I thought to myself: ‘Yeah, I’m gonna be a good mom,’” Orrison explained as she threw her month’s water bill into the garbage. “My kids are going to be so grateful to not have such an overbearing mother. They’re gonna get the kind of independence every boy and girl wishes they had.” At press time, Orrison was headed out to adopt a dog. McCombs still figuring out how to market business ethics class AUSTIN — Class coordinators at the McCombs School of Business are having a hard time getting students to register for the required course on ethical practices in business. “What if we changed the class name to something more appealing, like ‘How to get an internship at Goldman Sachs? Is that unethical?” Department Chair Suk Pravin asked at a meeting with the Office of the Registrar. “Maybe we should just sign students up for the class without their permission.” As of press time, Pravin was last seen trying to outsource the class to the philosophy department, who will teach the class for much cheaper.

4 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com Travesty Fact #441: Etsy will not let me customize my son Ralph • 5 6-Doubletruck Doubletruck-7

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TEXAS TRAVESTY • NOVEMBER 2015 AGAINST MURDER SINCE 1997 NEWS• 8 9• NEWS

EDITORIAL skulls but no one knows true fear until But no—shock takes its true form in Drake inspires 1994: Drake hurts his 1848: 1912: Drake pulls they have seen what lurks on the inside Mr. Moocheski’s results. I would take is- Karl Marx to include Jack underwater, legs on the playground Halloween is a night of frights, emotional struggle in because Rose is too and realizes that pain is of Mr. Moocheski’s very real skull. I sue with any person who says the devil is The Communist Manifesto good for him only temporary ghouls and goblins, but nothing is myself am a connoisseur of the dark arts, dead, and simply show them the daunt- frequenting haunted houses, scary mov- ing nightmare that lives in Mr. Mooch- quite as spooky as these MRI results ies and Wal-Mart parking lots after 10:00 eski’s mind. Lunch lady called someone else ‘honey,’ Interviewee hoping he not asked to P.M. I know fear. I see it every day when Few are aware of this, but the brain BY DR. WINKLETREE I misdiagnosis another patient. But the actually controls most of your body. Each too pronounce company name n day one of medical school, a terror of these patients was child’s play part of the brain has a special purpose, compared to the horror I experienced with a designated job to do. But Mr. PHILADELPHIA— After local third grader, Freddy Palamede-Franco, Sweating from his senior resident told me that the NEW YORK — upon seeing Tom’s results. Moocheski’s brain looks like the only went back for seconds during lunch hour, he heard the lunch lady calling palms, armpits, and other unnamed key to being a good doctor is Onever showing your fear. Every day since Halloween is the busiest night of the job getting done is a violent mob job. It someone else ‘honey,’ too. “I love Tuna Casserole Tuesday more than anyone areas, job interviewee Joe Joneham then I wake up and say, ‘Kathy Wrinkle- year for a hospital, what with all the appears as though “The Walking Dead” and thought Mrs. Higgins and I were like peas and carrots,” commented spent last Friday hoping he would tree, these patients typically know less alcohol poisoning, pranks gone wrong made a spin-off wherein human brains Palamede-Franco, while simultaneously texting his mother to buy him not have to pronounce Swedish- than you, so show them that you have and tubby kids who swallowed razor are the real monsters. As a so-called lunchables for the rest of Argentinean timeshare company no fear and adequate qualifications. You blades whole. After seeing a man get a ‘medical doctor’ with ‘expertise,’ I can the week. “Now I’m going to Æöœülleñárr’s full name. “It would should be prepared even on the scariest fall squash stuck in unimaginable places semi-confidently say that Mr. Moocheski give her a taste of her own be an incredible pleasure to work night of the year for an array of ghosts, I truly thought I had reached my limits is beyond medical help. I can handle the mystery meat special.” As of with you,” Joe beamed, as he shook ghouls and goblins lurking around the of disbelief. I believed that I was immune spooks and scares of Halloween night but press time, the heartbroken his interviewer Carlos Alfred Johann- hospital halls, all while maintaining a to any sort of medical shock after that nothing could have prepared me for the line leader was seen marching Nuñez’s hand. “All of you. Individually. steady mind and blood alcohol level.’ All electrocution incident a few years ago, monstrosity of Tom Moocheski’s MRI. or maybe after that time I realized that with hands behind his back Then in tandem. Together.” As of of this seemed plausible until I saw the The Hallmark companies try to people use needles for medical reasons and bubblegum in his mouth, press time, Joneham could only smile MRI results of one Tom Moocheski on market Halloween as this night of frights and not just coffee/meth break fun. taking notice as Coach Kerr numbly as his interviewer repeated the Halloween night. with their silly monsters and plastic called a kindergartener ‘champ.’ age-old company slogan: ‘When You’re Üøūøüøūø, You’re Ñéllell.’ Light at end of tunnel just grandson with Texas expands rights of students to carry

ARTICLE up the local culture at the neighborhood laser pointer bullets inside flesh café. PENSACOLA, FL — Realizing that the sweet embrace of death had not AUSTIN — Following a rigorous and heated floor debate, Texas Student enriched by constant The statements came shortly after arrived after all, 89-year-old Dorothy Bentham was disappointed to find legislators unanimously approved a new constitutional amendment that Barnes skipped yet another one of the that the light she saw at the end of the tunnel was really just her punk-ass would grant students the right to carry bullets inside their flesh. “We anxiety of semester abroad class outings, choosing instead to sit grandchild, Johnny Bodorph, shining a laser pointer at her head. “I thought thought it was unfair to protect students’ right to carry a gun on campus on his laptop and recalculate his grades that the sweet Lord was finally coming to take me to eternal bliss, but no, it while ignoring their right to be shot on campus,” Lt. Governor Dan Patrick wo months into his fall study lifelong memories. “My parents will kill on Canvas. The study abroad program, was just the little son of a bitch acting like I’m some dumb cat,” Bentham told told reporters while polishing his 12 gauge. “This way, we’re protecting abroad program in Barcelona, me if I fail any more classes. I could lose which has gained nationwide acclaim in reporters as she searched the internet for a value-pack of arsenic. “Next time everyone’s rights—and that’s really what’s most important.” As of press Jessie Barnes has learned a bit my scholarship. recent years, has been described by many aboutT Spanish culture and a lot about “Spain is great! I’m trying to stretch the bastard visits me in the hospital he better watch out, or he’s going to be time, Patrick was seen vandalizing Planned Parenthood ads in the Austin as one of the most enriching experiences being stressed out on the other side my dollars a bit, but hey, we’re all broke of their lifetimes. seeing a light at the end of my shotgun.” At press time, Bentham was heard area. of the Atlantic. During what others college kids, right?” he said, shifting “I’m concerned about Mr. Barnes,” praying that her late husband was in hell so that she wouldn’t have to deal described as a “life-changing” hike in the ever-growing pile of partially eaten Spanish government professor, Dr. Marty with his sorry-ass again. Student accidentally calls teacher ‘Mom’ the Spanish Easy Mac Angleton, remarked as he recorded yet during sex countryside, “Can you sell plasma in containers another absence in the class grade book. Barnes was to the other “This is the third class that he’s missed Middle child just happy to be included in ITHACA, NY — Coming off months of foreplay and a dinner bill in the obsessively Europe? The exchange rate is side of in the past two weeks. I don’t think he paper about the controversy surrounding triple digits, undeclared senior Jon Hewitt recently called his teacher ‘Mom’ mulling over the desk. realizes that a huge part of this class is Spain’s upcoming general election. headline during sex. “Nononononononononononononono,” declared Hewitt as he how to turn really wrecking my budget.” “Can you attendance based. He comes and argues While Barnes loses sleep over his TRENTON, NJ — After fifteen years of being perpetually ignored by his family, ejaculated. “Uhhhh, what was that? Did you hear something? I thought I his B- in sell plasma over every single point he gets docked on poor grades and quickly deteriorating middle child Eric Kwan is thrilled to even be mentioned in this headline. “We heard something. I’m gonna go check that thing out real quick I’ll be right Spanish political sociology into a B+. in Europe? The exchange rate is really bank account, his classmates continue his exams, but there’s not much I can do. never knew he was vying for our attention until we accidentally read his diary. back. I think it came from the kitchen? Do you want anything? I’m gonna heat “I really should have gone to office wrecking with my budget,” he added, The majority of his “Spanish” consists of to have the time of their lives in the He’s been doing crazy things to get us to notice him for the longest time! We just up some soup. Did you save that soup? You know what I’m just gonna go back hours,” sighed Barnes, poring over his cringing as he watched the comma food words or adding an “O” to English beautiful city. “I wish I could go on more learned that he’s been hiding Kony in our basement since 2012,” Kwan’s older, to my place. I think I have some soup leftover from the other night when I recent midterm grades on his laptop disappear from his bank account. words, for Christ’s sake,” he sighed, of the field trips, but I feel like my time as his peers participated in the world- Meanwhile, his classmates dined on crossing out “los voteros neccesitan mas is better spent studying. As the Spanish more appealing brother Chad said over his brother’s mumbling. “I’m surprised went out. Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow at noon, right? Right, Okay. Bye.” As famous running of the bulls and made traditional Spanish paella and soaked enchiladas” on Barnes’s recent midterm would say, tengo que ser responsible-o.” the entries weren’t water damaged—I’ve been using his diary as a coaster for of press time Hewitt was seen in the admission offices of Tulane University, years!” As of press time, Eric still has not been asked to comment. exploring his options.

8 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com Travesty Fact #21: White noise systematically oppresses black noise •9 10 11-Classifieds

SNEEZING INTO OTHER PEOPLE’S ELBOWS SINCE 1997 NEWS• 10 11• NEWS TEXAS TRAVESTY • NOVEMBER 2015 Area man donates body to science so Supreme Court can’t decide if female somebody will finally see his penis corporation a person CHICAGO — In one last desperate attempt to have someone see his WASHINGTON — Once again faced with a tough civil liberty penis, local virgin Dick Harrison decided to donate his body to medical decision, the Supreme Court has thus far been unable to decide research upon his death. “I just want someone besides me and the inside whether a female corporation is or is not a person. “We knew what of my socks to see my penis,” he explained, musing forlornly on his to do with the male corporation—it possessed a strong sense of self, numerous romantic failures. “I’ve tried everything to attract a sexual yet wasn’t too pushy partner, but not even my badass Mewtwo tattoo has done much for me.” about it,” remarked the Sources report that cross sections of his body will one day be on display in notoriously conservative a local science museum; however, in accordance with museum policy, his Antonin Scalia, while penis will not be included in the exhibit. other justices nodded Confused local man conceals handgun in dildo in agreement. “But a female corporation can’t AUSTIN — Local Ben Carson supporter and regular Fox viewer Hunt even make a decision Jackson reached out to reporters this week to express his outrage over without letting their Campus Carry, which Jackson interpreted as the right to bring guns onto monthly ‘financial college campuses provided they are concealed within a dildo. “These liquidation’ impair damn liberals clearly manipulated the law to make it harder for me to their judgment.” At exercise my second amendment rights. Do you know how expensive press time, the justices it is to find a dildo big enough to hollow out and store a firearm in?” of the Supreme Court Jackson challenged, waving a giant purple phallus for emphasis. “I mean, reached a consensus to it’s better than the commie laws that ban guns altogether, but this is the withhold a decision until dumbest law I ever saw.” At press time, Jackson was seen marching around a corporation with larger Speedway with the dildo encased weapon in his waistband, exercising his assets came along. constitutional rights and not compensating for anything.

10 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com Travesty Fact #281: It takes two to tango, unless you’re carrying a fetus •11 12-Comics