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TEXAS T R A V E S T Y S A X E LETTER FROM PRESIDENT POWERS T TRAVESTY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Matt Ingebretson MANAGING Michael Prohaska Dear students, EDITOR It is my pleasure to welcome all of the incoming freshmen to the University of Texas at DESIGN DIRECTOR Alyssa Peters PUBLICITY Zak Kinnaird . Everyone at the University is glad to have you here, but I can assure you that nobody is DIRECTOR more excited for you to be here than me, as I make it a point to get to know every single incom- PHOTO EDITOR Matty Greene ing freshman that walks onto campus. WEBMASTER Gatlin Johnson In fact, I have a feeling that we might become more than just casual acquaintances; I think we WRITING STAFF Dan Treadway Matt Lester could become best friends. Jon Neal !e University of Texas is one of the top academic institutions in the country. We boast a Malcolm Wardlaw wide range of academic programs ranging from Biomechanical Engineering to Philosophy. UT Megan Jackson is also home to one of the only college presidents in the country who is available 24/7 to just DESIGN STAFF Libby Sanders William C. Powers Esquire Jessica Grantham hang out or do whatever. Elaine Harwell Our University is also renowned for its dynamic and diverse student life. Hundreds of stu- ADMINISTRATIVE Tebyan Rabbani University of Texas President dent organizations are active on campus, and it’s nearly impossible to walk through the West ASSISTANTS Kyle Killough Mall without being petitioned to join some sort of cause. I don’t know if you guys like causes, Lara Grant but I know of some pretty cool ones if you are interested. Phillip Shea C.J. Cervantes !at could be like our little thing: joining causes. Kate Ergenbright And how could I forget about sports? UT boasts a wide range of nationally renowned sports teams. My personal favorite Hannah Oley is football, and I never miss a game. I could de"nitely get you some tickets if you like. Unless you’re not really into football, Sarah Greene Aaron Walther which is cool too. It’s whatever. Suzanne Lewis I know we don’t even really know each other, but I feel like we were just meant to be friends. You know what I mean? I’m so CONRIBUTING Ross Luippold glad we all ended up at the same college and not someplace stupid like A&M. EDITORS Thejaswi Maruvada I have already started making 7,000 friendship bracelets. Many people don’t realize that being the president of one of the largest universities in the country doesn’t guarantee your CONTACT popularity. In fact, sometimes I have to make decisions that some people don’t appreciate. I’ve lost a lot of friends this way; PHONE 512-471-7898 EMAIL [email protected] barely anybody from the class of 2012 even talks to me anymore. But I know that you guys will be di#erent, and that you will WEB www.texastravesty.com stay with me through the thick and the thin…because I love you. MAIL r UT Austin I usually head to the Union Underground right a$er I get o# work everyday, so if any of you feel like shooting some pool or P.O. Box D r Austin, TX 78713 drinking a cold glass of Pepsi you can count me in. EDITORS EMERITUS My number is 512-471-1232. Are you into text messages? Kevin Butler Kristin Hillery 1997 2005-2006 Sincerely, William C. Powers Brad Butler David Strauss 1997-2000 2006-2007 Ben Stroud Veronica Hansen ACADEMIC CALENDAR 2009-2010 2000-2001 2007-2008 Trevor Rosen Ross Luippold o5IFEBZZPV BEEESPQEBZGPSDBSSZPWFS o5IBOLT 5IFEBZZPVSFHSFUBMMPGUIF 2001-2003 2008-2009 August 25 November 26-28 Todd Ross Nienkerk FNQUZZPVSCBOLBDDPVOUBOE TVNNFSSPNBODFT HJWJOH#SFBLUJNFUPHBUIFS DMBTTFTZPVFOSPMMFEJO 2003-2005 SFBMJ[FZPVXJMMCFJOEFCUGPS FOPVHIUVSLFZTBOEXJDIFTUP September 25o5IFEBZ March 2o1SPCBCMZBTBJOUT LEGALESE UIFOFYUZFBST ZPVSFBMJ[FZPVSFOPUHPJOHUP HFUZPVUISPVHI+BOVBSZ EBZPSTPNFUIJOH The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- lication at the University of Texas at Austin, August 26o$MBTTFTTUBSU IBWFBTNVDITFYBTUIFDPMMFHF December 25 o%BZXJUI published monthly by the permanent and March 15-20o/BUJPOBM)FS contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of TPNFUJNFBSPVOEIFSF TUVEFOUTJONPWJFT UIFGBUHVZBOEBMMUIFXIJUF (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where QFT$POUSBDUJPO8FFL public figures are involved, characters are not o:PVSFUVSO TUVõ based on any real person. Any resemblence to August 27o5IFmSTUUJNF October 24 May 4o5IFEBZZPVTFUUMFGPS any persons living or dead is coincidental. The IPNFGPSUIFmSTUUJNFUP views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect ZPVIBWFUPSFBDIGPSZPVS February 3oUIDMBTTEBZ BNFEJPDSFJOUFSOTIJQ the views of Texas Student Publications, the EJTDPWFSZPVSSPPNIBTCFFO University of Texas at Austin or pretty much NBDFXIJMFXBMLJOHBDSPTT 0öDJBMFOSPMMNFOUDPVOUJT o-BTU$MBTT%BZo anyone. All material printed is property of the UVSOFEJOUPBCBCZSPPNGPS May 7 Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for DBNQVTBUOJHIU UBLFO &WFSZPOFTJHOTFBDIPUIFST readers under 18 years of age, regardless of ZPVSQBSFOUTOFXBDDJEFOU the pretty pictures. September 10o-BTUPöDJBM February 4oUIDMBTTEBZ ZFBSCPPLT SHOUT OUTZ TO... Marvel vs. Capcom, new coffee maker, trial mode, trav- esty of!ce is a storage unit, wrong day for beer specials, Tracy Kidder, Austin keeping his mouth shut, scovialle TAB LE OF CONTENTS scale, John’s new tan, Malcolm got kicked out of a bath- tub by a hooker, Stephen’s back, coffee delicious, cabi- nets now visible, this couch will not !t

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t2VFTUJPOJOHZPVSMJCFSBMQSPGFTTPSTCJBTFT"HPPE t'SFTINBO%0T %0/5T BOE)&--:&")T 4 JEFBPSBHSFBUJEFB 7 tXBZTQMVTNJOVTHSBEJOHXJMMTDSFXZPVJOUIFBTT t5PQCBDUFSJVNBOEEJTFBTFTMJWJOHJOZPVS © 2009 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. DPNNVOJUZCBUISPPNT Circulation: 25,000 FRESHMAN GUIDE • 3 Popular Student Organizations Texxas/Texas Wranglers are perfect MEC And sometimes in your car. for you! Come sit for hours on end during a — Texas Blazers/ Absolute Texxas/ meeting of the Music and Entertain- Young Conservatives of Texas Wranglers meet when- ment Committee without accom- Texas ever community service hours are plishing a single thing! You will have Young Conservatives of Texas logged a great time arguing over the best Do you love rabble-rousing? Do you Jonas Brother and why you joined find pleasure in stirring up a bunch Eyes of Texas this committee in the first place. of rabble? Does playing with rabble Members of Watch as a small bourgeois group sound like a good time to you? If so, serve to help the University of Texas of elites make all of the administra- the Young Conservatives of Texas but shhhh, don’t tell anyone. Enjoy tive decisions and leave your contri- are the right bunch for you. a free black cloak to symbolize the butions by the wayside! Finally, -- YCT meets whenever they can shroud of secrecy following the en- boost your resume without actually inconvenience others the most tirety of your being after joining this having to do anything! Hellraisers —The Hellraisers meet whenever organization. Don’t worry, as long as — MEC meets whenever “Karma Plan II Pre-Med-Pre- Hellraisers are known for playing the Longhorns need them the most you keep the Eyes of Texas secret, Police” is played Law-Chemical Engineering pranks on mean old deans and oth- none of our members will EVER Society er un-cool bureaucrats on campus. Texas Blazers/Absolute have to kidnap, gag, and then beat UT Lockpicking Membership perks include: interac- Other tomfoolery includes putting Texxas/Texas Wranglers you within an inch of your life. This organization loves...not break- tion with other human beings, tacks on the stadium bleachers, lay- Do you like these words: — Eyes of Texas meets at the you- ing into your professor’s liquor 10-minute breaks (you can even ing banana peels in front of conces- service, commitment, brother- know-where during the darkest cabinet, not opening bike locks go to the bathroom), coffee on sion lines, using slingshots to propel hood, values, leadership, virtues, hour of the night (8pm). For entry, then closing them again, not playing Thursdays, pre-sharpened number spit-wads at pretty girls, and giving dedication, integrity, perseverance, knock three times, wait until you Grand Theft Auto in real life, and not 2 pencils, mental health checkups, the opposing team the stink eye excellence, teamwork, diversity, hear four knocks, then knock five breaking into the zoo and letting the and rooms with both windows and while filling their water coolers with spirit, traditions, fortitude, rapport, times again and sit down. Make tigers out for a little bit. a chair. horse urine. honor, trust, and devotion? sure not to face the door. — The UT Lockpicking club meets — The Plan II society meets on the If so, Texas Blazers/Absolute in your room while you’re in class. 25th hour of Monday Frequently Asked Questions

What’s up? President Powers comes to coffee with cream and cocoa TEXAS! FIGHT! TEXAS! FIGHT! What if I get homesick? Not much, just chillin’. each person’s dorm room in powder and his raspberry lem- What if, hypothetically You should probably drop out Are you doing anything nothing but a towel to wel- onade with extra raspberries. speaking, I were to acci- of college. That is not normal. tonight? come them on the first day. He is justice, fortitude, and dentally start a fire in my Where is the best place Not really, just hanging out. Is the STD testing free truth, and he will teach you to dorm room? Not that I ever to get food in Jester? I have Wait, shouldn’t these fre- AND confidential? never underestimate the pow- would, but seriously, what so many options! quently asked questions It can be either free or confi- er of a burnt orange tie and a should I do if there’s an in- If you look in the cabinet be about UT and not just dential, but not both. head of soft, full-bodied ferno blazing in my room? across from your bed, generic frequently asked What do you think, does hair. Love him. You should probably get out you’ll see your room- questions? this look infected to you? Is that homeless of there. mate’s bag of Cheetos Sure. Jesus Christ! Contact Universi- man next to the Where can I stay if my Puffs. Just eat those. How do students pay tu- ty Health Services immediately. COOP en- room is burned down? ition bills? I don’t want to EVER see that trance pleasuring I have an extra couch you can Either get your parents to pay, again, you sick fuck. him- self? crash on for a while. or get a damn job, moron. Who is William C. Powers, Yes. Where do I go to get a Esquire? What’s it new student ID card? William Powers is the single like going to a First you must get the New most important person at the UT football game ID Application form notarized University. He is our President for the first time? from a notary public in upstate and fearless leader. He wakes Remember the time New York. Then, form in hand, up at dawn every morning to you had your first you must travel to the summit turn on all of the lights in cam- kiss? It’s just like that, except of the tower and answer the pus buildings and fill ’s add 80,000 drunk college security guard’s three riddles. troth with fresh oats and hay. students and no kissing. Then, simply set up camp in He skips his lunch on most days What else is there to do the two mile long line in the because he is too busy meet- besides going to football FAC and wait it out. ing with foreign leaders about games? What’s the biggest sur- the future of teaching C++ TEXAS! FIGHT! TEXAS! FIGHT! prise about living in the programming in the Computer Where’s a quiet place to dorms? Science program. He takes his study on campus?

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The Annual Panty Raid Kinsolving’s dirty laundry day A long held tradition at UT where male students storm The Longhorn Band the co-ed dorms and demand that the female residents Apparently never got the band-not-cool throw their dirty laundry down at them. Once all of the message undergarments are gathered, the male students promptly Unlike their fellow students who spend Saturdays drink- take them to the laundry room, wash them, and then ing and having fun, band members lock themselves in return them to their rightful owner. practice rooms to rehearse scales for hours on end. De- Lighting the Tower spite practicing tirelessly to perfect their formations, they We pride ourselves in our ability to waste enormous have absolutely no idea that everyone in the audience is amounts of energy Once you step foot on the UT campus, you’re taking a huge piss right now. The UT Tower is lit up in bright burnt orange to signify re- cent accomplishments of the University. However, it is also quickly exposed to the many historic traditions illuminated when there are no recent accomplishments that make this university unique. From the lighting and UT just wants to demonstrate its ability to pay soaring of the tower to the Annual Panty Raid, UT’s rich electric bills each month with your tuition. traditions instill a deep sense of pride in all Long- horns. Here’s a brief summary of a few campus traditions that you definitely need to know about. Football That thing that all those drunk people are screaming at Every fall, thousands of students and Austinites get belligerently drunk and scream loudly at large men running around in orange tights. During the off-season, “What Starts Here these same men and women sit around all day remi- niscing about the times they got belligerently drunk and screamed at those large men in orange tights. Changes the World” I should probably be, “Starting but Never Finishing Change in the World” What starts here will certainly help get the ball rolling The Hex Rally for someone at Harvard to change the world. UT students Don’t expect to win without sacrificing some virgins pride themselves on starting things that will one day aid On the eve of Texas-Texas A&M game, students from more prestigious schools to change the sacrifices ten freshmen from Kinsolving to appease the world. Even as you read this, there is a student out there mighty sports god Bevok before the crucial game. After right now who will one day help run a more intelligent the football captain douses himself in Aggie blood to end and charismatic person for president and then fade into the ceremony, everyone grabs a large slice of pepperoni oblivion as the elected leader alters the course of history. pizza from Slices and Ices. Acronyms Better start learning these H.Y.O. with the G.W.Q, students at UT use A.O.A. to H.C. It’s something that D.E.H.V.M.N.

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