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Texas Travesty R UT Austin I Usually Head to the Union Underground Right A$Er I Get O# Work Everyday, So If Any of You Feel Like Shooting Some Pool Or P.O

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TOPTEN WAYS to disappoint your parents in under a month PLUS!How to keep unattractive people out of YOUR college photos Freshman 2009 Guide S A X E T TRAVESTY S A X E LETTER FROM PRESIDENT POWERS T TRAVESTY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Matt Ingebretson MANAGING Michael Prohaska Dear students, EDITOR It is my pleasure to welcome all of the incoming freshmen to the University of Texas at DESIGN DIRECTOR Alyssa Peters PUBLICITY Zak Kinnaird Austin. Everyone at the University is glad to have you here, but I can assure you that nobody is DIRECTOR more excited for you to be here than me, as I make it a point to get to know every single incom- PHOTO EDITOR Matty Greene ing freshman that walks onto campus. WEBMASTER Gatlin Johnson In fact, I have a feeling that we might become more than just casual acquaintances; I think we WRITING STAFF Dan Treadway Matt Lester could become best friends. Jon Neal !e University of Texas is one of the top academic institutions in the country. We boast a Malcolm Wardlaw wide range of academic programs ranging from Biomechanical Engineering to Philosophy. UT Megan Jackson is also home to one of the only college presidents in the country who is available 24/7 to just DESIGN STAFF Libby Sanders William C. Powers Esquire Jessica Grantham hang out or do whatever. Elaine Harwell Our University is also renowned for its dynamic and diverse student life. Hundreds of stu- ADMINISTRATIVE Tebyan Rabbani University of Texas President dent organizations are active on campus, and it’s nearly impossible to walk through the West ASSISTANTS Kyle Killough Mall without being petitioned to join some sort of cause. I don’t know if you guys like causes, Lara Grant but I know of some pretty cool ones if you are interested. Phillip Shea C.J. Cervantes !at could be like our little thing: joining causes. Kate Ergenbright And how could I forget about sports? UT boasts a wide range of nationally renowned sports teams. My personal favorite Hannah Oley is football, and I never miss a game. I could de"nitely get you some tickets if you like. Unless you’re not really into football, Sarah Greene Aaron Walther which is cool too. It’s whatever. Suzanne Lewis I know we don’t even really know each other, but I feel like we were just meant to be friends. You know what I mean? I’m so CONRIBUTING Ross Luippold glad we all ended up at the same college and not someplace stupid like A&M. EDITORS Thejaswi Maruvada I have already started making 7,000 friendship bracelets. Many people don’t realize that being the president of one of the largest universities in the country doesn’t guarantee your CONTACT popularity. In fact, sometimes I have to make decisions that some people don’t appreciate. I’ve lost a lot of friends this way; PHONE 512-471-7898 EMAIL [email protected] barely anybody from the class of 2012 even talks to me anymore. But I know that you guys will be di#erent, and that you will WEB www.texastravesty.com stay with me through the thick and the thin…because I love you. MAIL Texas Travesty r UT Austin I usually head to the Union Underground right a$er I get o# work everyday, so if any of you feel like shooting some pool or P.O. Box D r Austin, TX 78713 drinking a cold glass of Pepsi you can count me in. EDITORS EMERITUS My number is 512-471-1232. Are you into text messages? Kevin Butler Kristin Hillery 1997 2005-2006 Sincerely, William C. Powers Brad Butler David Strauss 1997-2000 2006-2007 Ben Stroud Veronica Hansen ACADEMIC CALENDAR 2009-2010 2000-2001 2007-2008 Trevor Rosen Ross Luippold o5IFEBZZPV BEEESPQEBZGPSDBSSZPWFS o5IBOLT 5IFEBZZPVSFHSFUBMMPGUIF 2001-2003 2008-2009 August 25 November 26-28 Todd Ross Nienkerk FNQUZZPVSCBOLBDDPVOUBOE TVNNFSSPNBODFT HJWJOH#SFBLUJNFUPHBUIFS DMBTTFTZPVFOSPMMFEJO 2003-2005 SFBMJ[FZPVXJMMCFJOEFCUGPS FOPVHIUVSLFZTBOEXJDIFTUP September 25o5IFEBZ March 2o1SPCBCMZBTBJOUT LEGALESE UIFOFYUZFBST ZPVSFBMJ[FZPVSFOPUHPJOHUP HFUZPVUISPVHI+BOVBSZ EBZPSTPNFUIJOH The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- lication at the University of Texas at Austin, August 26o$MBTTFTTUBSU IBWFBTNVDITFYBTUIFDPMMFHF December 25 o%BZXJUI published monthly by the permanent and March 15-20o/BUJPOBM)FS contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of TPNFUJNFBSPVOEIFSF TUVEFOUTJONPWJFT UIFGBUHVZBOEBMMUIFXIJUF (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where QFT$POUSBDUJPO8FFL public figures are involved, characters are not o:PVSFUVSO TUVõ based on any real person. Any resemblence to August 27o5IFmSTUUJNF October 24 May 4o5IFEBZZPVTFUUMFGPS any persons living or dead is coincidental. The IPNFGPSUIFmSTUUJNFUP views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect ZPVIBWFUPSFBDIGPSZPVS February 3oUIDMBTTEBZ BNFEJPDSFJOUFSOTIJQ the views of Texas Student Publications, the EJTDPWFSZPVSSPPNIBTCFFO University of Texas at Austin or pretty much NBDFXIJMFXBMLJOHBDSPTT 0öDJBMFOSPMMNFOUDPVOUJT o-BTU$MBTT%BZo anyone. All material printed is property of the UVSOFEJOUPBCBCZSPPNGPS May 7 Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for DBNQVTBUOJHIU UBLFO &WFSZPOFTJHOTFBDIPUIFST readers under 18 years of age, regardless of ZPVSQBSFOUTOFXBDDJEFOU the pretty pictures. September 10o-BTUPöDJBM February 4oUIDMBTTEBZ ZFBSCPPLT SHOUT OUTZ TO... Marvel vs. Capcom, new coffee maker, trial mode, trav- esty of!ce is a storage unit, wrong day for beer specials, Tracy Kidder, Austin keeping his mouth shut, scovialle TAB LE OF CONTENTS scale, John’s new tan, Malcolm got kicked out of a bath- tub by a hooker, Stephen’s back, coffee delicious, cabi- nets now visible, this couch will not !t t$PMMFHF*OUSPEVDUJPOUPDPMMFHFJOUSPEVDUJPO t/BUVSBM4DJFODF'*(4WT-JCFSBM"SUT'*(48IJDIPOFXJMM 2 DPVSTFT 5 MFBWFZPVGFFMJOHNPSFFNQUZJOTJEF t-JTUPGQSPGFTTPSTBNFOBCMFUPCSJCFT t*TZPVSQSPGFTTPSUPPPMEUPLOPXUIBU8JLJQFEJBFYJTUT t8IBUUPCSJOHUPZPVSEPSN)JOU*UTFYBDUMZXIBU t5SBOTGFSTUVEFOUTIPXUPNBLFUIFNHPCBDLUP 3 ZPVIBEJOZPVSSPPNBUIPNF JEJPU 6 XIFSFUIFZDBNFGSPN t2VFTUJPOJOHZPVSMJCFSBMQSPGFTTPSTCJBTFT"HPPE t'SFTINBO%0T %0/5T BOE)&--:&")T 4 JEFBPSBHSFBUJEFB 7 tXBZTQMVTNJOVTHSBEJOHXJMMTDSFXZPVJOUIFBTT t5PQCBDUFSJVNBOEEJTFBTFTMJWJOHJOZPVS © 2009 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. DPNNVOJUZCBUISPPNT Circulation: 25,000 FRESHMAN GUIDE • 3 Popular Student Organizations Texxas/Texas Wranglers are perfect MEC And sometimes in your car. for you! Come sit for hours on end during a — Texas Blazers/ Absolute Texxas/ meeting of the Music and Entertain- Young Conservatives of Texas Wranglers meet when- ment Committee without accom- Texas ever community service hours are plishing a single thing! You will have Young Conservatives of Texas logged a great time arguing over the best Do you love rabble-rousing? Do you Jonas Brother and why you joined find pleasure in stirring up a bunch Eyes of Texas this committee in the first place. of rabble? Does playing with rabble Members of The Eyes of Texas Watch as a small bourgeois group sound like a good time to you? If so, serve to help the University of Texas of elites make all of the administra- the Young Conservatives of Texas but shhhh, don’t tell anyone. Enjoy tive decisions and leave your contri- are the right bunch for you. a free black cloak to symbolize the butions by the wayside! Finally, -- YCT meets whenever they can shroud of secrecy following the en- boost your resume without actually inconvenience others the most tirety of your being after joining this having to do anything! Hellraisers —The Hellraisers meet whenever organization. Don’t worry, as long as — MEC meets whenever “Karma Plan II Pre-Med-Pre- Hellraisers are known for playing the Longhorns need them the most you keep the Eyes of Texas secret, Police” is played Law-Chemical Engineering pranks on mean old deans and oth- none of our members will EVER Society er un-cool bureaucrats on campus. Texas Blazers/Absolute have to kidnap, gag, and then beat UT Lockpicking Membership perks include: interac- Other tomfoolery includes putting Texxas/Texas Wranglers you within an inch of your life. This organization loves...not break- tion with other human beings, tacks on the stadium bleachers, lay- Do you like these words: — Eyes of Texas meets at the you- ing into your professor’s liquor 10-minute breaks (you can even ing banana peels in front of conces- service, commitment, brother- know-where during the darkest cabinet, not opening bike locks go to the bathroom), coffee on sion lines, using slingshots to propel hood, values, leadership, virtues, hour of the night (8pm). For entry, then closing them again, not playing Thursdays, pre-sharpened number spit-wads at pretty girls, and giving dedication, integrity, perseverance, knock three times, wait until you Grand Theft Auto in real life, and not 2 pencils, mental health checkups, the opposing team the stink eye excellence, teamwork, diversity, hear four knocks, then knock five breaking into the zoo and letting the and rooms with both windows and while filling their water coolers with spirit, traditions, fortitude, rapport, times again and sit down. Make tigers out for a little bit. a chair. horse urine. honor, trust, and devotion? sure not to face the door. — The UT Lockpicking club meets — The Plan II society meets on the If so, Texas Blazers/Absolute in your room while you’re in class. 25th hour of Monday Frequently Asked Questions What’s up? President Powers comes to coffee with cream and cocoa TEXAS! FIGHT! TEXAS! FIGHT! What if I get homesick? Not much, just chillin’. each person’s dorm room in powder and his raspberry lem- What if, hypothetically You should probably drop out Are you doing anything nothing but a towel to wel- onade with extra raspberries. speaking, I were to acci- of college. That is not normal. tonight? come them on the first day. He is justice, fortitude, and dentally start a fire in my Where is the best place Not really, just hanging out. Is the STD testing free truth, and he will teach you to dorm room? Not that I ever to get food in Jester? I have Wait, shouldn’t these fre- AND confidential? never underestimate the pow- would, but seriously, what so many options! quently asked questions It can be either free or confi- er of a burnt orange tie and a should I do if there’s an in- If you look in the cabinet be about UT and not just dential, but not both.
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  • 60P0 1 CRYING at the PARTY SINCE 1997 APRIL 2017

    60P0 1 CRYING at the PARTY SINCE 1997 APRIL 2017

    1 CRYING AT THE PARTY SINCE 1997 APRIL 2017 Name: 5475/The Venue/ Villas on Guada Width: 60p0 URBAN STUDENT APARTMENTS NOW LEASING FOR FALL 2017 VenueOnGuadalupe.com · 512.473.3706 VillasOnGuadalupe.com · 512.220.0200 the GOOD issue BYE IN THIS ISSUE... Editor-in-Chief Grace Gilker Cole Gerthoffer Managing Editor Abby Hilling Contributing Editor Maryam Amjadi Design Director Carolina Treviño Distribution Director David Williams Social Media Directors Nora Greene Iman Shah Area man goes to different Applebee’s Area man squeezing own bicep while Crosswalk sign just a suggestion Head Videographers nodding to self location in effort to be spontaneous for local bad boy Connor McCampbell Suzuka Sampson Writing Staff Justin Lau Andrew Badger Josh Brenner Ben Kelder Lee Rudder Sanaa Prasla Elizabeth Dubois Adam Bucheister Bluebonnets along I-35 pleasant PCL introduces new, already- Ed Sheeran just a really carefree Nick Gatz Joe Morris distraction from pro-life billboards broken water fountain dude Terry Huang Vedant Peris • I have a fetish where I can only be • It’s not called heaven, it’s called intimate with someone in front of a Toontown Design Staff Sonia Margolin green screen • I threw in a Vancouver style citation Virginia Beshears • Do you think Gerald reads this? just to fuck with him Video Staff Sharmeen Somani • This small spoon works poorly with • It’s not you, it’s me. Actually, it’s your Sadie Lidji this large soup racist grandmother Administrative Assistants Arvind Ashok Zach Morrow • Can you vape maple syrup? • I put the ‘heet’