THE issue’s BEST OF 2009–2010 ISSUE lose as many bowl games as you like, UT. cows—pink cow, brown cow, and original Eeddiitor--in-In-Chichief MattDavid Ingebretson Strauss • Trust me bro, with every second of awkward eye cow—then you’re probably a horrible, hor- Managing Michael Prohaska contact on the bus, you’re winning her heart. rible human being. EFEATURESditor editor Bradley Jackson • Inside jokes will increase 22% over the next • Batman has been spotted on campus. Associate Dan Treadway ENdEiWtorS EDITOR Kathryn Edwards around semester. Ain’t that right, Tony? Yyyyeah. has a very high Batman population. If you a see design director Alyssa Peters • If you thought you could just sleep through every a Batman on campus, do not touch him, and im- DESIGN EDITOR matt Hutcheson lecture this semester and squeak by with an A, you Lead designer Jessica Grantham mediately contact University Health Services. PHOTO EDITOR Veronica Hansen campus were right. High five. Photo Editor Matty Greene • Being a C-League volleyball intramural ART EDITOR Chris Friend • Turns out the study abroad assistant didn’t have an champ won’t win her heart, bro. Publicity Zak Kinnaird • The best way to sneak alcohol into a UT Director accent—that was a speech impediment. You did a •1/100,000th of your tuition was just spent associate Sara Kanewske football game is to place it in your stomach. funny impression, though. Writing Staff Matt Lester buying President Powers a pack of Skittles. editors JermaineStephen Affonso Short • Let’s have a moment of silence for all the top • Your success in a Pass/Fail is merely dependent on • Students well versed in the word “fail” and Malcolm Wardlaw 8th through 10th percentile of high school PUBLICITY Sabrina Abdulla whether you plan to get stoned all semester and eat its best placement in conversations still don’t Marshall Dungan graduates now languishing at UTSA. Erica Grundish Doritos in class or get stoned all semester and eat comprehend the penis and its best placement Aaron Walther • UT’s elimination of the National Merit Doritos at home. into the vagina. C.Sara J. Cervantes Nienkerk Scholarship will go a long way in getting • Everyone on campus let out a commemorative David McQuary • Stadium event staff will be shocked when writing staff mike Faerber rid of all those pesky intelligent people on “Ah fuck!” as the twelfth day of classes whizzed by Kyle Killough they find pounding the Chick-fil-A KelseyJon LNambeal campus. once again. cow in the bathroom during halftime. Megan Jackson • Students who text during class are really • Make sure to grab a free condom in the West AndreaRoss L Grimesuippold • So lame, God invited like EVERYBODY to his disturbing everyone checking Facebook. Mall. The one in your wallet from two years Design Staff AnnieAustin Samuelson Presley meteor shower party. • Dude, I’m not walking all the way to the fucking ago is expiring soon. LauraSuzanne Schulman Lewis RLM. • There’s really nothing better than a UT home Josue Ramirez • Put the toaster on high. You need to burn off design staff Mark Estrada • Students in long-distance relationships will the bread mold. football game to remind you why, out of Aaron Rodriguez discover that although absence makes the • Stella Artois may have better taste, but does it 50,000 students, you only associate with .04% adPUBminiLICIstratTY ive HSamenry Baskin Baker Sarah Greene heart grow fonder, a creatively placed web- have fun word games on the bottle cap? Hell of them. assistants Kathryn Beasley • Roommate gone? Time to push the beds Administrative Lara Grant cam does the rest. no! Lone Star for President in 2012. Assistants Jacqueline Fitzgerald • Greenpeace? More like Green-please-get- together! Hannah Oley • Don’t want spring break to end? Drop out. KatherineJon Swope Neal the-hell-away-from-me-I’m-not-making- Kanye West did, and now he pours Grey • Did you see the production of Pride and MichaelJim Prohaska Pagels eye-contact-oh-goddammit... Goose on people for a living. Prejudice on campus recently? We have noth- DavidRyan Schwartz Betori • Someone got a little freaked out at a co-op • Need resumé help? Too bad. The Career Ser- ing funny to say about this...it was quite good. Rohan Paranjpe Kate ErgenbrightGreg Smith party last weekend, and they really don’t vices reps are looking for new jobs too, and • Why would I buy Windows 7 when I can have CARTOONIST MargaretLesley Newman Dixon want to talk about it. you’re the competition. So go fuck yourself. Windows 98? Lawrence Peart • We should all demonstrate our dedication to • The best way to tell the PCL and JCL apart Conributing Thejaswi Maruvada green initiatives the same way UT does: by is to know that you don’t get diarrhea after Editors Ross Luippold artificially re-sodding the same acre of the going to the PCL. Stephen Short South Mall every semester. • Don’t feel bad, you’re not the only one that’s contact contact • As thousands of UT students attempt to out- wondered if your whole class would get an A phone 512-471-7898 phone 512-471-7898 Whataburger one another, the streets will run if your 90-year-old professor keeled over and email [email protected] email [email protected] red with fancy ketchup. died. web www.texastravesty.com web www.texastravesty.com • UT has recently been named one of the Most • No matter how long you stare, you won’t mail Texas Travesty • UT Austin Stressful Campuses, which is the reason why m ail Texas p.O. Box Travesty D • Austin, • UT TX Austin 78713 know if that Dasani bottle in your fridge is p.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 the administration has decided to change our filled apple juice or piss until you take a sip. editors emeritus mantra to “It ain’t easy being a hipster.” • Thanks, plus/minus grading! I’m sure glad editors emeritus • At least your Prius will be fuel efficient and envi- that my effort in the classroom can now be Kevin Butler KristinTrevor HRosenillery ronmentally friendly while it’s rapidly accelerating 1997 2001-20032005-2006 more accurately devalued! Brad Butler ToddDavid N ienkerkStrauss through the streets killing people. • I shall choose trick! En garde, you candy 1997-2000 2003-20052006-2007 • Doppelganger week was a remarkable study in the hoarding fiend! Ben Stroud VeronicaKristin Hansenillery vast divide between how beautiful you think you • I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription 2000-2001 2005-20062007-2008 Trevor Rosen Ross Luippold are versus how average you actually look in real is a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory pain 2001-2003legalese 2008-2009 life. Yes, I’m specifically referring to you. reliever. The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- licationTodd Ross at the N Universityienkerk of Texas at Austin, • Thanks, UT Safety Alert, but I don’t need an auxil- • Congratulations, Parkour. You’ve given published2003-2005 monthly by the permanent and iary reason to run screaming from the RLM. contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of Austin dudes yet another reason to take their (hopefully)legalese humorous fiction. Except where • As long as you maintain your proud tradition of at- public figures are involved, characters are not shirts off. basedThe Texas on any Travesty real person.is the studentAny resemblence humor pub- to tractive young women in athletic shorts, you can anylication persons at the living University or dead ofis coincidental.Texas at Austin, The • If you got excited to finally own all three viewspublished expressed monthly in the by Travesty the permanent do not reflect and thecontributing views of staff.Texas The Student Travesty Publications, is a work the of (hopefully)University of humorous Texas at Austin fiction. or Except pretty where much publicanyone. figures All material are involved, printed charactersis property are of notthe In This Issue... basedTravesty on. The any Texas real person.Travesty Anyis not resemblence intended forto anyreaders persons under living 18 or years dead of is age, coincidental. regardless The of viewsthe pretty expressed pictures. in the Travesty do not reflect the views of Texas Student Publications, the University of Texas at Austin or pretty much anyone.shout All material outz printed to... is property of the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, regardless of the pretty pictures.

Cap’n Crunch commended Cap’n Crunch accidently Cap’n Crunch receives for 30 years in the navy fires on shipmate dishonorable discharge from navy

© 2007 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000

Barbara Crunch files for Cap’n Crunch cited for Cap’n Crunch: 1963-2010 divorce indecent exposure at © 2010 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. elementary school Circulation: 25,000 almost as funny as since 1997 NEWS • 3 Poll: 29% of Boyfriends Unaware of Relationship Marshall Dungan of heated debate among both non- months. “We’re not like, dating or any- conducted the poll over the course of results have overt and flagrant biases staff writer boyfriends and sort-of-but-not-really thing. It’s just that we like to hang out a year amongst several state schools, in them,” said Akers, who has objected boyfriends, reports that nearly a third of every day of the week. No big deal.” reports 19% of men responded with most strongly to what he calls ‘stupid- WASHINGTON, DC—According men, when asked about the girl they see “Also, sex,” added Hamils. “We have “Wait, what?” while 37% chose “Define girlfriend-confusion-wording biases.’ “I to a recent poll by the Gallup Organiza- at least three times a week, denied being sex frequently. But it’s nothing, really.” girlfriend…” Among those polled, 8% mean, I’m not, like, seeing any one per- tion, 29% of American boyfriends are in a committed relationship. Experts have been baffled to find refused to answer and 14% immediately son. Well, I do technically ‘see’ her, but completely unaware that they are in a “Nah, she’s not my girlfriend.” said such a large number of men had been ran away. not in that way. Not in the boyfriend relationship with the women they see Rob Hamils, a UNC graduate who has frequently seeing the same women with- way.” on a regular basis. reportedly not been dating fellow grad- out classifying their relationship as “dat- “I mean, I’m not, like, The poll left Akers’ girlfriend Brittany The poll, which has been the cause uate, Sarah Mallow, for the past eight ing.” The Gallup Organization, which Sharp unmoved. “People can talk all seeing any one person. they want, but every time Teddy lets a door swing shut on my face, I know he’s Well, I do technically really saying ‘You’re my everything’,” ‘see’ her, but not in that said Sharp as her reported boyfriend Akers sped away in his Camaro. “He way. Not in the boy- loves me, I know he does.” While many women across the coun- friend way.” try have taken this news in stride, others have reacted with disdain. According to “The most difficult part of the study investigators, Kari Tillinghast, an Iowa was the initial investigation,” explained State senior and girlfriend of Byron Gallup statistician Candice Melton. “A Hawkins, elected to make no mention large percentage of respondents simply of the study and act as if nothing was stuffed their hands in their pockets and wrong only to later hurl Hawkins’ X-Box whistled innocently. We also found that at him while he was sleeping. There have questioning the subject within three been numerous reports of girlfriends feet of his girlfriend produced optimal employing other methods to show their results.” frustration including, but not limited to: Since the study was released, thou- withholding sex, the silent treatment, sands of boyfriends have objected to the and keying “You’re a pussy-shit asshole” investigation, citing leading or decep- into their boyfriend’s car door. tive questioning to explain the results. The poll also revealed that 51% of Ole Miss Sophomore Teddy Akers men are painfully aware of their role as ■ Hamils is checking the score of the Patriots game right now. addressed the media Friday: “These boyfriends, and 12% are just rebounds. Toddler making a complete fool of himself Matt Ingebretson incomprehensible jibberish. park was deplorable, it is not the first EDITOR IN CHIEF “I couldn’t understand a single time that his degenerative anti-social thing that drunk baby was saying,” behavior has caused problems for peo- CAPE COD—According to visitors said neighbor James Dahlin, who wit- ple around him. His behavior at home at Bourne Park, an incredibly incon- nessed the toddler in question remove blatantly disregards all cultural norms siderate, obnoxious baby stampeded its own shirt and then pass out on the of a dignified human being. through the park screaming at the top “He’s a shit-storm; a constant bom- of his lungs without any provocation, bardment of shit-storms,” said the ba- making a complete and total fool of “I was having a lovely by’s distraught mother Candice Lan- himself Monday. nery, as she scraped off bits of creamed Park patrons reported that their visit day at the park when spinach stuck to the wall after the to the park was all but ruined by the baby’s latest tantrum. “He has absolute “jackass” toddler, whose actions they all of the sudden this no self-awareness, and treats me like described as symptomatic of a belliger- asshole baby starts I’m some sort of personal slave-bot.” ent and abusive alcoholic. On one oc- “I’m starting to lose my grip on casion, the baby reportedly defecated crying and tugging at things,” added Lannery. “Maybe I am in his own pants. a slave-bot.” “That baby was a nuisance,” said my pant leg.” When asked to give a formal apol- Cape Cod resident, Tammy Mitchell, ogy, the toddler simply grew enraged who reported the baby to the police sidewalk. “He started drooling on him- and screamed from the top of his after she witnessed the child throw up self. I left the number for the Alcohol- lungs, expressing his immense displea- in the sandbox near the jungle gym. ics Anonymous hotline, but I think it sure with the world and his current “I was having a lovely day at the park might be too late for him.” situation. After being placed in time- when all of the sudden this asshole “That baby needs to pull himself to- out to reconsider his actions, the baby baby starts crying and tugging at my gether,” added Dahlin. “He’s a mess.” became even more irate and inconsol- pant leg.” To the relief of everyone at the park able. “I’m sure that little socio-path hadn’t enduring the toddler’s uncontrolled “We’re just going to lock him up even washed its filthy little hands,” tantrums, an adult picked him up off until he gets control of his emotions,” added Mitchell. of the ground and placed him in the explained an exasperated Lannery. Many residents were convinced that back of her car, where he proceeded to “Once he’s had some time to reconsid- the toddler was intoxicated, as it had spit up on himself and then fall into a er things, he can eventually be rehabili- trouble walking without falling down coma-like sleep. tated back into society, and finally get ■ This toddler had too many drinks from his sippy cup.Photo Creative Commons and was slurring all of its words into While the toddler’s behavior at the his boo-boo blanket back.” NEWS • 3 4 • news texas travesty • Best of 2009-2010 Of course class did the assigned reading Michael Prohaska definitely spent 6 hours reading last Professor Stein was so happy with managing Editor night. “It was super interesting and the progress of the class that he called probably the best thing I’ve read in a upon marketing senior Jennifer Hast- CAMPUS—Of course students long time.” ings to go to the chalkboard and draw in Professor Lawrence Stein’s E316K Mechanical engineering junior a map of the tribal boundaries of class did the assigned reading, ac- Brad Walker took offense at the pro- Guinea-Bissea during the coup d’etat cording to various students who fessor’s skepticism, saying that when- of 1976. showed up to the class today. ever an instructor assigns a lengthy “Well, my interpretation of the Professor Stein was skeptical that reading as homework he makes sure reading puts the dominant Tokaia the entirety of the class would read it becomes his number one priority tribe somewhere in this region, the the 120-page assignment over the before the next class meets. mid-central province of the Afro-Eu- controversial demographic shifts of ro-Asian region,” said Hastings as she indigenous tribes of Guinea-Bissea “…there’s nothing I‘d drew a circle around the entire East- in the post-WWII era. After conduct- ern Hemisphere. “From the reading I ing a quick poll that asked students to rather do than stay up learned that there is a lot of scholarly raise their hand if they had read the all night reading about debate about the subject.” article, Stein was pleased that every Because of the incredible interest student in the class had done so. the disparagement of the that his class has shown in the sub- “I am quite impressed,” said Stein Haikai tribe in Northern ject, Professor Stein has asked his to the class of responsible students students to divide into groups and who read every last word of the re- Guinea.” prepare a presentation on the cul- quired reading. “I thought many of tural significance of the demographic you would have skimmed it at best.” “Last night I ordered a pizza, shifts in Guinea-Bissea. When poll- Stein then began to field com- bought some beer, and invited some ing the class to see if it was a good ments on the reading from the class friends over to watch the NBA Play- idea, there were no objections. full of beaming students. offs,” said Walker. “But when I re- “I’m glad that the entire class read “Yeah, I especially liked the part membered the professor assigned this article, because if we hadn’t, that about the battles they were hav- this reading for today’s class, I said, would make this project extremely ing with one another, like in the ‘Screw that stuff; there’s nothing I‘d difficult and time-consuming,” ex- ■ 60s and stuff,” explained biology rather do than stay up all night read- plained public relations freshman These are the best students at UTPhoto Texas Travesty sophomore Jeremy Mendoza as he ing about the disparagement of the Lauren Stovall. “I can’t wait to get quickly glanced over the article he Haikai tribe in Northern Guinea.’” started.” Man on double date realizes he’s the 4th wheel Matt Lester we would really hit it off, but I’m serve dessert,” add- staff writer not even sure if she realized I was ed Cole. there.” Things continued AUSTIN—On Friday, local com- “At one point she asked Robert to head downhill puter programmer Daniel Cole why the ‘bus boy,’ was still sitting for Cole as he went realized he was the fourth wheel next to her,” added Cole. on to watch both on his double date after a string of Cole’s suspicions intensified af- women touch Gar- events suggested that his presence ter the group ordered their entrees. rison’s leg in pro- at the date was completely unnec- “Sarah and Melissa said they’d be vocative ways after essary. sharing the lobster, and then they a round of drinks “I suspected that I was the fourth smiled at each other,” Obviously I and could feel them wheel when all three of them sat playing with each on the same side of the table,” ex- “I suspected that I other’s feet under plained Cole, who was flatly ig- the table. At one nored by friend Robert Garrison was the fourth wheel point Cole did feel a and acquaintances Sarah Harding when all three of them foot touch his own, and Melissa Jones when he first ar- but it was immedi- rived at the Eastside Café. “That sat on the same side of ately followed by a was when I started to think some- quick apology and thing may be going on.” the booth.” explanation from ■ The double date was arranged by Jones, saying that One of these men is going home to a sock and tears Photo Texas Travesty Garrison earlier in the week when was not included in the joke,” ex- her “foot slipped.” “I called the waiter over to see if bar where Garrison, Harding, he called Cole to tell him about two plained Cole. He later estimated As the group was preparing to he could check on them, and when and Jones promised to meet him. female friends that were interested that the three made references to leave the restaurant, Sarah Hard- he came back, he told me everything “There wasn’t enough room in in having a good time. “sharing” no less than 50 times ing mentioned that she had to use was A-okay,” said Cole. “When they their cab for all of us,” said Cole as “I was excited about meeting Me- throughout the hour-long dinner. the restroom, to which Garrison came back, they all looked like they he began pacing back and forth in lissa for the first time,” explained “They said if they shared some- and Jones replied that they had to finished a marathon. They said the anticipation. “I’m sure they’ll be Cole, who spent almost an hour on thing now there would be plenty of do the same. After almost thirty air conditioning was out.” here any second.” the date watching Garrison openly room for dessert, which is strange, minutes had passed, Cole began to Cole was last seen at a nearby flirt with both women. “I thought because this restaurant doesn’t wonder if everything was okay.

4 • news www.texastravesty.com almost as funny as the daily texan since 1997 NEWS • 5 Colt McCoy suffers shoulder injury in first sentence of proposal to girlfriend Dan Treadway Colt wouldn’t be able to complete his pro- proposal. “I had been trying to build up ASSOCIATE Editor posal, and there was no one else around, my confidence by meeting girls at coffee so I tried to embrace the moment and fill shops and then asking them out on dates AUSTIN—University of Texas quar- in as best as I could,” said Gilbert. over Facebook,” said Gilbert. “It was a terback Colt McCoy sustained his second While Gilbert had previously never real shock to be thrown into a full-fledged shoulder injury in as many weeks while met Glandorf and had no prior marriage- marriage proposal.” in the midst of proposing to his long-time After his initial jitters, Gilbert settled girlfriend Rachel Glandorf at DKR Texas “It was a routine reach into a rhythm and presented compelling Memorial Stadium early January. reasons as to why McCoy and Glandorf McCoy, who hurt his shoulder dur- into my pocket, but I’ll should wed. “I told her that she could ing Texas’ loss to Alabama in the BCS never get that chance be Colt’s new number one receiver, and National Championship game, suffered while this first was met with a puzzled a similar injury while extending the ring back.” look, she seemed to be genuinely in- toward Glandorf at the beginning of trigued by the sentiment.” his proposal. proposal experience, he stepped up to After stumbling through the proposal, “It’s hard to express the disappoint- the momentous challenge, grabbed the Glandorf accepted the ring, marking the ment I feel,” said McCoy, who was rushed ring from Colt, as he knelt in front of her. biggest victory for UT football in two to the locker room immediately after go- The freshman was visibly weeks. Gilbert, fresh off the heels of his ing down. “Asking her to marry me has shaken as he started the proposal and was first collegiate victory, is also excited been one of the biggest moments of my unable to put together even basic sen- about the future relationship possibili- life. We had been dating for years, and tences. “He began by asking me, ‘Rachel, ties that lay before him. “After proposing it had all led up to that moment, but as are I you me marry, yes?’” said Glandorf. to Colt’s girlfriend, I think I’m ready to I knelt down to pop the question I over- “It was pretty clear he had no idea what propose to that hot TA in my psychology extended my shoulder while reaching for he was doing.” class. No sweat.” the ring.” “At one point he just dropped the ring Both Glandorf and McCoy were en- “It was a routine reach into my pock- on the field,” added Glandorf. “I know couraged by the potential Gilbert dis- et,” added McCoy. “But I’ll never get that he’s a bachelor, but he’s probably going to played. “He’s not quite there, but I think chance back.” be proposing to somebody in a couple of with some seasoning he’s going to be pro- UT freshman quarterback Garrett years. How was he so unprepared for this posing to women like an All-American Gilbert happened to be wandering the moment?” quarterback,” smiled McCoy. concourse at the stadium when he saw Despite strong resistance from ■ Gilbert promises to be a prolific bachelor after some more conditioning.Photo McCoy succumb to injury. “I saw that Glandorf, Gilbert carried on with the Texas Travesty “Of course I want to hear about your feelings,” says guy friend with huge boner Antoine Füshtwanger going to be okay,” shared Hughes, who Contributing writer has tried to be there for Watkins in case she would relent and have sex with AUSTIN—During an intimate con- the “nice guy” for once. “I’m sure that versation late Saturday night with close whatever-his-name-is didn’t mean it.” friend Dana Watkins, perpetual nice guy Eric Hughes feigned interest in “ Watkins’ thoughts and emotions while I really like hanging simultaneously hiding a huge boner in out with Dana, but I his khaki pants. Watkins, who had just been in a wish she would touch my fight with her boyfriend, vented for ” three hours to Hughes who nervously big rod. searched for something to cover up his This was the latest in numerous in- throbbing erection. stances in which Watkins has confided “Uh-huh. Yeah. That’s too bad,” said in Hughes because of his apparent sen- Hughes as he frequently nodded and sitivity. Although she continues to ap- attempted to avoid eye contact with proach him with her emotional prob- Watkins’ exceptionally large breasts. lems, her unawareness of her attractive “I’m really sorry to hear that.” appearance has been the cause of many Watkins, who had just come home problematic stiffies for Hughes. ■ from a night on 6th Street, was explain- “You’re such a sweetheart, Eric,” The cotton fibers of Hughes’s underwear are unable to restrain his bulging, veiny member.Photo Creative Commons ing to Hughes about how rude her said Watkins as she leaned against his year. Hughes has ventured to get closer “I really like hanging out with Dana,” Following their conversation, boyfriend was acting at a local club. shoulder, making the huge boner even to Watkins since that day, when Wat- said Hughes. “I mean, she has the best Hughes gave Watkins a side-hug and Throughout the conversation, Hughes more rock-hard. “Thank you for always kins’ long legs and wavy hair reported- personality. She’s always so nice and returned to his West Campus efficien- struggled to console Watkins because being a good listener.” ly gave Hughes a half-stock. He hopes friendly feels comfortable talking cy apartment. He allowed the conver- he was reminded of a dream where she Hughes and Watkins have been that his years of listening to her words about anything with me. I really like sation to weigh on his mind for about would touch his bulging hard-on. friends since 2007, when they met in will pay off soon, because he “can’t take hanging out with Dana, but I wish she four minutes, after which he instantly “Don’t worry, Dana. Everything is a study group during their sophomore blue balls for much longer.” would touch my big rod.” stopped caring and fell asleep.

NEWS • 5 $600 almost as funny as the daily texan since 1997 NEWS • 7 Study: Sexy nuns save more souls Air Bud put down VATICAN CITY—A recent need something to look at,” said head church-wide analysis by an indepen- researcher Floyd Michaels as he wiped dent research group has proven that lipstick off of his collar. “Curviness is after missing critical symmetric, visually pleasing nuns are next to godliness.” While Pope Bene- more effective at preaching the gospel dict XVI did not release a statement free throws to their congregation. The study found on the matter, he has already instituted that, on average, church turnout is 34% a new policy that requires newly con- FRESNO—With his team trailing 87-86 with four seconds left in over- higher when the female clergy’s di- verted nuns to take vows of poverty, time, Air Bud missed two key free throws, leading team officials to make mensions are closer to the ideal 36-24- celibacy, and sign up for Club Pink at the difficult decision to take him to the locker room and put him down. 36. “Our reasoning is that churchgoers their local Victoria’s Secret. “It is clear that his basketball skills just aren’t what they used to be,” said coach Dirk Robinson as he loaded two buckshots in his double-barreled Remington shotgun. “We hate to have to see him go on like this.” Air Bud, Wario a’gonna win who won the hearts of many fans after heroically leading the Fresno High KOOPA TROOPA BEACH—Mario Grand Prix driver Wario announced prior to School Knights to a championship thirteen years ago, has seen his shoot- the opening race of the Mushroom Cup last Saturday that he’s a’gonna win. However, ing percentage plummet the past decade, leading to questions about his soon after the race began, he slipped on a banana peel and was struck by two red playing ability. “It’s hard to have to say goodbye,” said teammate Philip shells, thus ending his hopes for victory. “A YA YA YA,” said the notorious villian as Casey. “It’s rare to see such a talented basketball-shooting, soccer-play- a Lakitu fished him out of the water. “WAAAAH,” he added. Wario ended the race with an embarrassing 7th place finish, ahead of only Yoshi, who spent much of the ing, baseball-catching, football-tackling, volleyball-spiking dog.” race going the wrong way. The race was won by longtime rival Mario, who could not help but boast following his victory, “Hehe! I got it!” Although Wario was visibly up- set at the sight of his arch rival receiving the coveted Mushroom Cup trophy from the mouth of a giant fish, he took the defeat in stride and promised to exact his revenge when the two meet again on the ever-dangerous Toad’s Turnpike. Sad girl sad CAMPUS—Sophomore Tiffany Krause, better known as “Sad Girl” by her classmates, looked particularly sad this past Thursday as she walked down Speedway with dreadfully sad eyes. “Oh, it’s nothing really,” lied the sad girl as she emphatically sighed and looked down at her shoes in the saddest way imaginable. “I’m just a little sad today.” Friends of the sad girl say that she is sad so frequently that they sometimes end up becoming sad themselves. Sad girl was last seen sitting on a bench, looking at something sad in the distance. Struggling professor attempts to Q-drop course

CAMPUS—After realizing that he had taken on too much work for the se- mester, a panicked Professor Richard Labenski contacted the Office of the Registrar last Friday and attempted to Q-drop the World Literature class that he was teaching. When he was told that professors are not allowed to drop courses they are teaching, Labenski responded by skipping class for the re- mainder of the week. “My students completely dominated my exam—the class average was 98,” said Labenski. “It was so embarrassing. I just don’t think I’m cut out to teach English. I’d rather be doing RTF.” There’s no indi- cation of what Labenski plans to cover for the duration of the course, as the syllabus he distributed at the beginning of the semester had nothing but a large “TBA” printed across the top.

NEWS • 7 8 • news texas travesty • best of 2009-2010 Designer of pleated gym shorts: “Well then the customer can go to hell” NEW YORK—Despite plummeting customer doesn’t understand the bril- ments such as the toe-less socks and sales of his latest fashion flop, failed liance and absolute necessity of pleats cut-off tuxedo pants. “Fuck the cus- designer, Marco Mark, insists that the in gym-wear then they can go straight tomer.” As of press time, Mark was in customers are at fault for not getting to hell,” said Mark, who has designed the midst of designing his latest inno- behind the pleated gym short. “If the numerous other clothing disappoint- vation, the mittenless mittens. Belligerently drunk man shows light post who’s boss

WAXAHACHIE—After exiting Mar- saint, you son of a bitch,” said Brewster against the concrete base, rendering him ty’s Pub on Wednesday night, a bellig- to the 20-foot-tall light source. “I’m unconscious. This was not Brewster’s erently drunk Frank Brewster stopped gonna hit you so hard you ain’t gonna first drunken late-night confrontation as in front of a light post and claimed that be able to feel your feelings or stuff no just last week he had a stare-down with the post called his mother a “filthy lion more.” Brewster then charged at the light a Coca-Cola bottle that reportedly gave Ultimate Frisbee game whore.” “My mother is a goddamned post and accidentally bashed his head him the “stink-eye.” particularly “ultimate” Parlin Hall to leave The Six Pack for solo career AUSTIN—Players of the regularly scheduled Wednesday night game of Ulti- SOUTH MALL—In a move that Mall. “Parlin has nothing but love for disputes with the group’s leader Mezes mate Frisbee noted after the game that this week’s match was, for some reason has sent shockwaves through the UT the members of The Six Pack,” said Hall, whose long-time domestic part- or another, particularly “ultimate.” While none of the players could describe campus, a representative for Parlin Hall Parlin’s publicist Shane Ellis. “Still, the ner South Lawn was reportedly a major what was different about this game, they unanimously agreed that it was announced Tuesday that the build- building feels that the time has come disruption in the group. The departure much more “ultimate” than usual. “I don’t really know how else to describe ing would be leaving the revolutionary to part ways with the group and work of Parlin Hall marks the second major it,” said James Langley, one of the players in the game. “It was just exceedingly building group The Six Pack later this on some projects of its own in other campus split of 2010, when early this ultimate—like, there was a mind-blowing amount of ultimate in it.” After the year to pursue a solo career, creating a areas of campus.” Ellis denied that the year Blanton Dormitory took a leave of game, the players walked past a game of Frisbee Golf and commented on all vacancy in the west side of the South split has anything to do with alleged absence from The Quad to enter rehab. of the ways in which it was not “ultimate.” Sig Ep momentarily mistakes self for Kappa Sig Student to join whichever while looking in mirror organization serves Jimmy WEST CAMPUS— Marketing ju- one, brah” sighed Maclean, still gazing place his yellow Polo with a pastel blue John’s at meetings nior and Sigma Epsilon member Dave into the mirror as he slowly moved his Polo and Ray Ban sunglasses, Maclean CAMPUS—After attending meet- Maclean was momentarily dumb- hands across his face and torso to con- was confident his refreshed appearance ings for various student organiza- founded Sunday morning when his firm that the reflection was himself. would ensure that he looked like a true tions across campus, Sam Manhower mistook his reflection in a hallway mir- “For a minute there I thought I looked Sig Ep, and not anything like other up- decided to join the one that serves ror for that of a member of the Kappa exactly like [Kappa Sig pledge Patrick] per-middle class white males who wear Jimmy John’s at every meeting. “It Sig fraternity. “Whoa, that was a close Larigakis.” Returning to his room to re- pastel colors. was a tough decision,” said Man- hower as he put an extra roast-beef sandwich into his backpack. “I can’t I’ve had to make in college.” As of Fat people lobby for more spending on pork barrels tell you how close I was to joining press time, Manhower was seen exit- WASHINGTON D.C. – On Tues- barrels offer. “Those who oppose the most importantly, allow pork to once the one that serves Chipotle. It was ing a UEC meeting holding two par- day, the Society of Overweight Ameri- increase in spending on barrels of pork again be featured at all six meals of the one of the most difficult decisions ty-trays of assorted fruits and dips. cans called on Congress to increase the are un-American,” explained SOA chair- day.” Gradkowski also announced plans amount of spending on pork barrels in man Todd Gradkowski as he signed to work towards reform in the areas of the 2009-10 fiscal year. The trimming of off on a proposal to expand the size of beef-barrels and dark-meat-chicken bar- Disgruntled cyclops not pork projects in recent years has caused conventional pork barrels from 50 gal- rels, saying that the US has had embar- much dissent among the society’s mem- lons to 120 gallons. “This proposition rassingly low funding in these areas ever impressed with 3-D movie bers, who fear that cuts in spending can will stimulate the economy, contribute since President Taft left office in 1913. NEW YORK– Frequent movie Zorock as he dropped 15 bottles of limit the delicious possibilities that pork to oft-overlooked public interests, and patron and one-eyed colossal man- Visine into his one huge eye. “Films creature Zorock left the Metropoli- in the third dimension do not live up tan 16 movie theater Sunday night to their two dimensional counter- Man not sure, probably just watch a disgruntled after seeing the sub-par parts, at least for mono-optic mon- visual effects in ‘The Final Destina- sters.” Zorock then went on a ram- tion 3D.’ “Besides giving me a head- page in the theater after learning that movie or something ache, I really didn’t see the point his Fandango ticket purchase could AUSTIN—Chemistry senior put the ball in her court in of making the screen blurry,” said not be refunded. John Larigakis revealed today that terms of wanting to hang he had no plans for the night, and out. Also, I don’t want to Author to juxtapose would probably just watch a movie or spend any money until I something. The remark was provided get an idea of whether or the shit out of motifs in a text message response to the not she’s actually into me.” NEW YORK—While working on his latest novel, fiction writer Joseph Holt sort of cute girl in Larigakis’ human Larigakis reported that made the decision to juxtapose the shit out of two motifs dealing with the op- sexuality class that may or may not acting ambivalent towards “pseudo-booty-call.” “If everything pression of the lower class and Marxist idealism. “This is gonna be a bat-shit, be interested in him. “I think I played relationships has had 70% success rate goes according to plan, tonight it’ll crazy-ass juxtaposition,” said Holt. “This rhetorical device is going to blow the it pretty cool for the most part,” throughout college for him, including be me, her, Judd Apatow and my mother-fucking roof off of this shit.” As of press time, Holt was debating about Larigakis said. “I tried my best to two long-term relationships and one roommate passed-out on the couch.” whether or not to write some kick-ass subversions of utilitarian existentialism or “some sort of sweet twist ending that comes out of fucking nowhere.”

8 • news www.texastravesty.com almost as funny as the daily texan since 1997 news • 9 Civil Rights professor shows Group of students who have never read “The Sound and “Remember the Titans” for the the Fury” have groundbreaking discussion about “The Sound and the Fury” fifth time this semester AUSTIN— During a conversa- juxtaposition of the central character’s ratorial structure creates an allegorical CAMPUS—Students in Sean Mc- it over from the beginning, without tion in an American Literature class, regressive mental complex is part of symbolism that enhances the central Connley’s HIS 356P, “The US dur- giving any explanation.” Students in a group of students who have never the broader paradigm of feminist and theme that Faulkner so masterfully ing the Civil Rights Era,” class were McConnley’s class felt that, despite read “The Sound and the Fury” made Freudian ideological tentativities in this crafted into the story.” After class, the ground-breaking discoveries and mon- text,” said student Jake Lomez, who has students met for lunch and discussed disappointed on Tuesday when they being a culturally relevant and en- umental strides in the critical discourse yet to purchase the novel. “I think we the rhetorical strategies employed in came to lecture only to discover that tertaining film, they got the point about “The Sound and the Fury.” “The can all agree that the fragmented nar- the Jester City Limits menu. McConnley planned to show them after the second viewing. “Ironi- “Remember the Titans” for the fifth cally enough, watching this movie Fork clean enough for local man time this semester. “I was pretty repeatedly has made me begin to re- WEST CAMPUS—Local man Rob- ficiently clean and proceeded to eat his of the can. “It’s not like I’m going to get stoked when I saw that he was go- gret that the Civil Rights Movement ert King decided to use a moderately bowl of Chef Boyardee ravioli. “I gave it AIDS or anything.” King has also come ing to play this movie the first time,” took place at all” said John Lariga- dirty fork last Wednesday, stating that a quick look, and after I flicked off a piece under fire in recent months for repeat- said student Rick Baran-Chong. kis, a student in the class. “Because the utensil was “pretty much clean.” Al- of shredded cheese that was stuck to the edly wearing dirty underwear, which, “But then once it ended, he just if it hadn’t this movie would not though King had proper cleaning sup- side [of the fork], I decided that we were according to King, “are good for several went to the DVD menu and started have been made”. plies and plenty of free time to adequately good to go,” explained King as he licked days if you don’t get too sweaty.” wash the fork, he decided that it was suf- the remaining tomato sauce from the lid So, um, I hope you don’t mind if I ask, but is this sex? there we go. Ok, it’s very nice to able for a lot of reasons. I figured Am I doing this right? What am I possibly shaking hands. Honestly, meet you! I’m Jonathan and I’m a it was a seamless process, but my doing exactly? If this is sex, does I don’t know how things escalated first year Mechanical Engineering back hurts and you haven’t let out that mean we can’t chit chat? to this. We were just talking about major here at UT. I’m involved in any passionate moans yet. I mean, the salad bar at Jester City Limits the Society of Professional Engi- we weren’t even planning on hav- “You’re still wearing and then, boom, I’m pretty sure neers and enjoy playing intramu- ing sex or anything; I thought we I’m inside you. ral sand volleyball. I’m not sure if were just messing around and then your College of Natu- I…don’t know where to put my this is an awkward time to ask, but all of the sudden I think it might left arm. I was genuinely curious if we hap- have become us fornicating. ral Sciences T-shirt, I’m not sure what the emotion- pened to be having sex right now. Oh, my roommate’s asleep, al repercussions of this experi- Hold on, I need to take off my don’t even worry about it. and that’s fine and all, ence will be, but on a physical watch. I just noticed that your socks but I sort of envisioned level, this isn’t so bad, I suppose. I Now, I’ve heard all about it from are on. There’s no way this can heard Megan Fox was supposed to my friends and I’ve seen it on TV be sex. I’ve watched Showtime you…not wearing be in the new Batman movie. She a bunch of times, but something after midnight several times and certainly has a fitting last name... about this just seems off. First of the chick never has her socks on. that.” am I right? Am I right? No, wait, Johnathan Farburg all, we aren’t really all that naked. I mean, is this really what all the please don’t leave! I was kind of First timer You’re still wearing your College fuss is about? I was just having a I think what’s throwing me off interested where this whole thing of Natural Sciences T-shirt, and good time with you and then all of is that we didn’t really set this up was going! Hi, what’s up? I would shake that’s fine and all, but I sort of en- the sudden things became really with a “let’s have sex” moment. I Can you at least Febreeze the your hand but you’re kind of in visioned you…not wearing that. pensive. You keep staring at me figured we’d at least be somewhat place before you go? an awkward posi…one second… This is just pretty uncomfort- with those soulless eyes of yours. intimate beforehand; maybe even Don’t fuck with me, man, or I might make more idle threats Michael Reynolds Woah, man! Woah! What’s the deal my kitchen before I came downtown in out of proportion in an attempt to assert don’t stop clinching your fists. In truth, tough guy with you? You think you can just make anticipation of a confrontation where my fledgling masculinity. Now that I’ve I’ve only thrown one punch once in eyes at my girl like that and I’m not go- I would have to dole out some deeply started yelling at you, I can’t stop or else my life, and it was against a locker af- ing to say anything? I’m about two sec- frightening, yet entirely empty threats. I’ll reveal how scared I am inside. ter I flunked a test in high school. The onds away from threatening, but not If I had higher self-esteem I’d just On the outside I’m angry, but on the locker broke my hand. It was a really following up on, kicking your ass! let this go, but tonight ain’t your night, inside I’m sobbing. painful experience. Oh, you think I’m just talking a big buddy! I’ve been really self-conscious OK, now you’re walking aggressively It seems I’ve reached the point of no game? Well you’re right, bro; I talk about the status of my romantic rela- towards me. You better hold up, man, be- return. I really wish someone would the biggest game. Don’t believe me, tionship as well as my sexuality, so I’m cause I’m not nearly done with you. You hold me back right now, so I could at- man? You don’t believe me? Check this just going to keep taking it out on you look a lot bigger than me, so I’m going to tempt to struggle with them and say shit out. by making a scene in this piano bar! try to delay your forward progress. Your out loud that you’re not worth it. That Yeah, that’s right, this is a knife. I’ll How do you like that….you…you… clothing choice is very questionable in isn’t happening, though. In fact, a lot of level with you, though. I’m kind of ner- you little bitch! Yeah, you’re a bitch! my opinion. I think your preference of people seem to be looking forward to vous because I’ve never handled a knife Take that! a red shirt is possibly indicative of your a physical altercation between the two before, but I’m just going to keep making I’ve been standing here all night just homosexuality. Boom! Take that! of us. various stabbing motions so as to hide waiting for some asshole like you to Now I’m going to tell you that I’ve this fact. This isn’t even a switchblade or make a somewhat threatening action kicked a whole lot of ass in my day, and anything like that; I just brought it from towards me, so that I could blow it way then I’ll tell you that you’re next if you follow us for updates www.twitter.com/texastravestyon shows, web exclusive content, and of course, funny funny jokes! opinion • 9 10 • opinion texas travesty • best of 2009-2010 You should just forget about her and eat me Double Whopper extra jalapeños taste way better than warm and forgiving. You could just How pretentious can someone be? Sal- tion of your thoughts, but that just with cheese companionship. You should just quit forget about all the bullies and respon- ads? I’ve got all the lettuce and tomato proves how well I know you. My stare worrying about her and take a bite out sibilities and lose yourself in my seven you’ll ever need. can pierce right through your soul, even of me. layers of flavor. Those were good times. She was always trying to get between though my eyes are the plastic googly Look on the bright side; you still Back then, I only cost $3.78 even with us, saying stuff like, “I’m worried about kind that you pushed into my sesame have delicious friends like me. I’ll the extra bacon. your eating habits.” What habits? We’re seed bun. We were meant to be together, never cheat on you or dump you. I’ll al- Remember; don’t focus on how bad just friends. We were together before just like beef patties and cheese. ways be reasonably priced and cooked you feel. Focus on how good I taste. It she came into your life and made you I don’t mean to be clingy…remem- to perfection: filled to the brim with will be just like the good old days, be- join L. A. Fitness. You never needed to ber, you still have other friends too! ripe tomato slices, fresh onions, sweet fore that dumb girl got in our way. We change. You’re perfect just the way you Onion Rings, Fries, and Dr. Pepper as pickles, and your choice of mayonnaise can spend even more time together are. I think your double chin is sexy. It well! By the way, have I introduced you or mustard. now that she’s out of the picture. makes you look unkempt and devil- to my friend Funnel Cake Sticks yet? I’m really sorry it happened again, So why don’t you go ahead and put To be honest, you two weren’t really may-care. She just moved here…she’s really fun- baby. She just doesn’t appreciate you me in your mouth. It will make you a good match. You just didn’t have the Go ahead and put a little extra ketch- ny and sweet. I think the sooner you the way I do. I know that it’s hard be- feel better. same interests. She was obsessed with up on me. You deserve it after what get back out there, the sooner you’ll ing lonely, but remember; I’ll always Remember how we used to hang out stupid stuff like “exercise” and “friend- you’ve been through. get over your ex. be there for you. I may not be human, every night? No matter how bad your ship.” Who needs that? She had awful Look; I know that I can’t really talk Now stop moping and eat me. And but my two flame-broiled patties and day went, I would be waiting there, friends, too—white rice and fruit cups. and that my voice is just a manifesta- never forget that I love you. Only as an efficient, synergistic, and cooperative unit can we cover up today’s manslaughter Roy Burnett Well, that certainly was unfortunate. of our employees, and we must all re- his car, we must remember that we are finger you chop off and every tooth that Regional Sales Manager Times like this make my job as regional member to maintain this as we work all working towards the same goal. you drill out to prevent dental identifi- sales manager even tougher than usual. together to dismember and dispose of We will work within our core com- cation represents the hard work of all We’ve lost McNeil and no amount of the corpse of our assistant manager. petencies to hide all of the evidence. 30 people in this office. By the close of new accounts will bring him back. It McNeil was always a team player Julie, we will need you to bury the hair business today, I expect there to be no is our responsibility however, to work and his decapitation has already done follicles and fingernail clippings in the way for McNeil’s concerned family to together and value his sacrifice to our some of the work for us. Still, only lot behind the office. Ned, we will need identify the body. office and our team. The fact is, only by using the G.R.O.W. Model can we you to clean up the pools of blood near It is vital to remember that we are by working as an efficient, synergistic reach our “Goal” of concealing this the copy machine and under the ba- not here to bolster résumés or boost and cooperative unit, can we cover up manslaughter, assess the “Reality” of gel table. Stephanie, we will need you egos. We are here to preserve this com- today’s manslaughter. our office’s involvement in this brutal to get some biodegradable trash bags pany’s core values by hiding this work- After all, a police investigation would death, weigh the “Options” of investing to carry the body parts and continue related death. We are here to honor one lead to prolonged inquiries into our in a hatchet versus a meat cleaver, and embracing this company’s devotion to of our own by dismembering his dead safety standards and would decrease develop the “Will” to work as a team to corporate social responsibility. body and pretending he never came our future productivity, undermining cut up this body and dispense of the Mitch, your fingerprints are all over into work today. McNeil’s years of service to the rest of individual parts. this, so we will definitely need to get We’ve got a long day ahead of us. us and to our valuable customers. Our Although some of us will be respon- you far, far away from here. So I recommend you all join me for a corporate culture has always embraced sible for burning McNeil’s clothes and We will need to minimize our bottle- team power-lunch at the Olive Garden the respect and equal treatment of all others will be responsible for hiding necks and maximize our synergy. Every before we begin. McNeil’s treat!

Do you girls want to go clubbing and talk about the side effects of this new birth control pill? Lauren Patterson OR ADRENAL DISEASE AS THIS down smoothly, doesn’t it? and I fucking hate you. No! Fuck you! Bye. MAY CAUSE SERIOUS HEART Other side effects of Uteraz include It’s important to remember that hor- Hey ladies! I’m so glad we finally AND HEALTH PROBLEMS. ALSO, mood changes, weight gain, and cramp- monal contraceptives like Uteraz don’t got a chance to have a night out on the SWELLING OR TENDERNESS OF ing. Also, if you experience blurred vi- protect against HIV or STDs such as town without our boyfriends. Don’t THE BREASTS MAY OCCUR. sion or soreness in your lower limbs, Chlamydia. Did you hear that, Tiffany? get me wrong…Brad’s a great guy and I said SWOLLEN BREASTS! talk with your doctor, as those can be Just because you start taking Uteraz I totally love him and everything, but IT’S TOO LOUD BY THE DANCE signs of a more serious condition. doesn’t mean you can keep slutting I just need a little time for my girls FLOOR! LET’S GO UPSTAIRS. No Tiffany...you retard! Your vision around. and a few rounds of Cosmos. Lately, That’s better. As I was saying, be- is blurry because you’re fucked up! Yeah, well fuck you Tiffany! Stupid I’ve been in such a bad mood around fore taking Uteraz you should always I need another shot. bitch! I know you’ve been calling Brad Brad. I thought I was just PMS-ing re- tell your doctor if you’re on long-term Wait…I forgot what I was talking behind my back! Yeah, you better walk ally badly, so I asked my doctor about treatment for a chronic condition such about. Oh yeah…Uteraz. Some studies away from me! Bitch. it. She prescribed this great new birth as cardiovascular disease or—hold reported like, stroke and suppression So anyways, you should know that control pill called Uteraz. on—HEY TIFFANY! TIFFANY! of the immune system, or something in some studies, Uteraz was found Uteraz is a new kind of birth con- TEQUILA SHOTS ALL AROUND! like that. So…you should always… to cause vaginal discomfort and dis- trol pill that may increase potassium GET FIVE OF THEM! PUT IT ON hold on, Brad is calling. charge. You know, like the kind of stuff levels, so don’t take Uteraz if you have MY TAB!—or chronic inflammatory Hello? What do you want, Brad? I’m out that comes out of Tiffany’s nasty bitch- kidney, liver, or adrenal disease, as this disease. with the girls! I can’t hear you! I’m busy talking ass vag. may—I said, DON’T TAKE UTER­ Here’s to a night out with the girls! about birth control and stuff. Oh, stop being an Ugh, I feel like shit. I think it’s my AZ IF YOU HAVE KIDNEY, LIVER Cheers! Woo! Jose Cuervo sure goes asshole. You’re always being a fucking asshole goddamn birth control. 10 • opinion www.texastravesty.com 12 • Centerspread centerspread • 13 Class of 2010 Graduation Catalog Announce It!

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Hipster GazetteWinter Solstice 2009 Reviews. A Discussion of the Elusive Concept of “Super Irony” by Summer McCaw Twilight: New Moon per Irony, but it is yet to be ob- sion the mighty Seafood-Stuffed Two shrugs and a furrowed brow served on a metaphysical level. Flounder resonates on one’s pal- I thought that “Let the Right One In” was a much better repre- “Incongruity cannot dismay the ette for just half a fragment of a sentation of the social plight of modern vampires. “New Moon” rhetorical advantage of Super mili-second too long, and across relied much too heavily on the bone structure of Robert Pattinson, and not nearly enough on the inherent dichotomy in the term, Irony,” noted Stan Greenberg, your left cortex, a flash of elation “New Moon,” which obviously invokes ideas of backwards real- Epoch Theologian. The hege- appears. This is where the na- ism, subversive universal maxims, etc. The biggest suspension of mony of irony alone supersedes ture of Super Irony exists. When disbelief, however, is that a werewolf or vampire could ever be at- the relevance of Super Irony, but the most ironic activity fails to tracted to Kristen Stewart. this does not impose on its foun- uphold its ironic nature because dational importance. it is subconsciously enjoyed. Su- Rihanna For one to understand the true per irony has many forms. The Rated R nature of Super Irony, one must man wearing an Animal Col- One shrug, maybe put it into context of an atmo- lective T-Shirt playing Guitar This album fails to live up to the level of commercial exploita- sphere of such ironic platitudes Hero. The heavily pierced fine tion that we have come to expect from the Pop Princess. Rihanna that the only words that can arts student drinking an Iced certainly “brings it like a diva,” but I think we can all agree that possibly even manifest in one’s Latte from McDonalds. And the “diva” aspect of her personality is completely not self-aware, mind is “Red” and “Lobster.” alas, Zooey Deschanel appear- and therefore incredibly banal. Further, Rihanna looks like an Super Irony has no appear- Yes, Red Lobster, the mighty ing in the movie “Surf’s Up.” alien, which is clearly post-modern, a trite cliché in this era of post-post-post-modernism. ance or even tangible applica- hub of Super Irony. If one is to eat Super Irony is but a notion tion, but does this mean such a at Red Lobster, do they truly en- in a sea of realities, but it still Sarah Palin’s Memoirs thing doesn’t “exist?” Many have joy it? The answer is objectively maintains its salience. theorized the true nature of Su- ‘no.’ But, what if, on some occa- Going Rogue: An American Life Five ironic shrugs The existential and abstract title sold me on Sarah Palin’s book. She really has her finger on the American pulse from her remote Calendar cabin in Wasilla, Alaska. What most people fail to realize is that Palin used wide-ranging ironies in her campaign, all of which, December 1 Zombie Prom vinyl to yoga I believe, were intentional and with purpose. Sarah Palin is the Spike Jonze Appreciation December 9 December 20 most brilliant ironic public figure of modern day. Day Ninja Prom Informational 1990’s Semi- December 2 December 10 nar - learn everything you Indian Headdress Party. Best Robot Prom need to know to hold your Fashion Watch UpNext Trend smallpox joke wins a case of December 11 own in stimulating dinner the mega v-neck with PBR Dinosaur Prom conversations about combat December 3 December 12 boots, angsty hard rock, and cut -off jorts. Charity luncheon benefit- Fallout Boy plays Emo’s. Jonathan Taylor Thomas ing some shit downtown at Walk by and scoff at those December 21 the Driskill. Good excuse to lame-ass scene kids. Ignore Get fucked up and play iron- dress like a Mad Men char- the fact that you were in line ic Chutes and Ladders acter for the same thing last year December 24 December 4 December 13 Christmas Eve service with Man, we’ll probably just chill Second Sunday Sock Hop! conservative family you at the house tonight. Text me December 14 spend much of the year later? Moleskine Open Mic Poetry avoiding. At least you’ll December 6 Reading And Circle Jerk at be the best dressed person Monthly Vegans for Vespas Sidebar smashed on communion meeting. Bring your favorite December 15 wine veggie snack and an over- Ironic Ed Hardy Party December 25 blown sense of entitlement December 16 The day you re-embrace December 7 Arguing about whether or your family in order to get Radiohead cover band “Kid not it was too soon for an free Christmas loot B” plays the Mohawk. Walk Ironic Ed Hardy Party December 31 by, flip off the stage, and go December 17 Ditch all irony and get in- get plastered at Creekside Downward Dog with Devo! credibly drunk for the new December 8 Bring your favorite new wave year

14 • features www.texastravesty.com almost as funny as the daily texan since 1997 features • 15

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THE CHEESY CHEESY -IMENTA QUESA SPICY SUPREME DILLA BURRITOITA BACONY -ADA SUPREME CRUNCHY BURRITO SUPREME -ILLA STUFFED CHALUPA SUPREME

THE melty beany chalupada SUPREME

THE stuffed Taco Bell: Transcript from Monday’s Executive Meeting meaty Chief Executive Officer, David Novak: Gentlemen, thank you for coming. We’ve got a lot to cover today, so don’t hesitate to fill your plates with this gor- tacquitoita geous spread courtesy of Chipotle. Be sure to try the pico—it’s really something else. First up, though, I’m going to pass the baton over to Jackie Trujillo in R&D. He’s got some really exciting news. Synergy, people, synergy! SUPREME Research And Development Director, Jackie Trujillo: Let’s get down to business: I touched base with our R&D lab guys last week, and it looks like they’ve isolated the principle compound associated with “bacon” flavor, which will allow us to circumvent the livestock requirements. Not only will the synthetic bacon be cheaper to produce, but will last up to 23 years at room temperature. Gentlemen, the bacon revolution has arrived! CEO Novak: Thanks, Jackster. Moving forward, we need to talk about putting out some fires with regard to the Bolivian incident. I’m going to pass the baton to Public Affairs Officer Jonathan Blum. Public Affairs Officer, Jonathan Blum: As of yesterday, the situation on the ground is relatively static. We still have to deal with the 580 mountain-offensive deaths, but it’s looking like the new puppet government should keep those under wraps. To be frank, I doubt we’ll ever hear from those commie bastards again. Additionally, we’ve left several agents behind to deal with Prime Minister Jalajorge should any problems arise. If the press starts poking around asking questions, route them back to my office and I’ll send them a release about the Bacon Bacon Volcano Fire Zesty Fresco menu. Novak, that’s all I’ve got. Passing the baton back to you. THE crispy CEO Novak: Thanks, Jon. By the way, where did we get this baton? Public Affairs Officer, Jonathan Blum: Target, sir. saucy CEO Novak: Well, I think it was a great investment. Now I’m going to pass the baton over to Mickey Pant, Director of Marketing, who I believe has an update quesadilliaupa about the 7-meal plan. Director of Marketing: As we all know, the introduction of the Fourth Meal was met with tremendous success. Starting next month, we will implement supreme the Fifth Meal, which will prepare Americans for the Sixth Meal. We hope that this next step will be met with the same level of success as steps 1-4, and we will eventually be able to fully institutionalize a nine-meal standard in American culture. CEO: Excellent. Now, let’s turn it over to the director of HR to describe the new benefit packages. Director of HR: Well, this year we are introducing the new supreme benefits package and the volcano benefits package in addition to the current baja benefits package. In lieu of worker’s compensation, the volcano package gives you one volcano taco for every work related injury. The supreme package is exactly like the volcano package, except with sour cream. CEO: Thank you. Now, be we adjourn, I must mention the issue of the taco supply, which has dominated the headlines for the last few weeks. Many of you have been asking, and we will be having a meeting this Wednesday to discuss the possibility of Jack-in-the-Box’s entrance into the Taco Cartel. That’s all we have for today, gentleman. See you all next week.

featureS • 15 16 • features texas travesty • best of 2009-2010 HORNS UP, HORNS DOWN

Horns Down: This shitty day Quadruple Horns Up: We’re going to Horns Down: Cap Metro raising fares The editorial board is strongly opposed to how shitty today is. the championship! Pasadena! Fuck yes! The Capital Metro board voted in favor of raising fares 25 cents I mean, my alarm didn’t go off until 15 minutes after my 9:00 AM in January, making the new fare $1, and the new cost for a monthly ! OU sucks! We’re going to California and we’re going class started, and then I had a quiz, so it was just like, fuck. And pass $28. The move will generate revenue for the organization that to get wasted and we’re going to win! And then we’re going to get then I went to Chic-fil-a to get lunch and they didn’t have any God- has been grossly mismanaged in recent history. It’s unfortunate that even more wasted and start storming the streets and destroying damned waffle fries. And now I’m stuck in this piece-of-shit office the general public is being forced to suffer because of Cap Metro’s stuff! Fuck yeah! writing this shitty Horns Down. Thank God for whiskey. poor business practices.

Horns Ambivalent: Apparently we Horns Up: The Health Services Horns Up: Increased fares will result can get into the Blanton for free? offers students access to unlimited free in a 50% decrease in public masturbation So, students at UT can go to the Blanton whenever they want. condoms on Cap Metro buses That’s pretty cool, I guess? I mean if students want to go they University Health Services provides students with free access Economists predict that the raised fares on Capital Metro buses should go because that thing must have cost a lot of money, but to contraception upon request. This ensures that the University will result in a 50% decrease in scraggly older men that sit at the I don’t really like...art. I don’t know, I guess I’ll go next month or continues to be one of the most sexually safe in the country. After back of the bus and masturbate while looking at other passengers. something if I have time. Or maybe I’ll sit at home and watch TV. all, it’s much more convenient to fear a midterm than a second The case analysis revealed that half these men will no longer be Either way. trimester. able to afford purchasing a single ride pass as well as a bottle of Kentucky Deluxe, resulting in safer and less sticky rides for the Horns down: Opposite of unlimited general public. people will sleep with me Horns Aroused: That hot girl in the Seriously, why am I concerned about how many condoms I have access to? I spent all Friday night huddled in my dorm room play- front of the class ing Halo 3 while drinking Vault. The editorial board has come to the consensus that the girl sitting in the front row is banging hot. Every guy in the class is currently hatching plots about how to ask her over to his house this TRAVESTY’s Friday and proceed to start watching a movie, stop watching the movie, and then make a strong move to initiate raw, uninhibited fornication.

College Football Tour 2009 The Texas Travesty caught up with our old pal, the Sports country to visit college campuses in preparation for this year’s Wizard, to discuss sports, wizardry, and how to deal with unruly football season. Here are the Wizard’s personal diary entries and apprentices who don’t even know how to conjure fire. We were photos from the trip. delighted to hear the Sports Wizard recently took a trip across the

Florida State University Tallahassee, FL Waco, TX “The first stop on my college tour was to the “Despite using all the mystical powers within me, I was still unable to get the mythical land of the Floridians, where I visited my Bears to a bowl game. That would take more power than all of the wizards old apprentice Bobby Bowden and discussed re- combined.” ceiver depth as well as how to avoid those pesky Notre Dame NCAA academic inspectors.” South Bend, IN "Leprechauns. Let me tell you why I hate lep- Oklahoma State University rechauns. Ever since the great Leprechaun- Stillwater, OK Wizard War of the Golden Age, leprechauns “When I asked Dez Bryant about his recent NCAA suspension, he and wizards have battled endlessly over the replied, ‘What’s a Deion Sanders?’ I knew he was lying; I used my powerful mind- coveted Pot of Gold that resides at the end of reading abilities to find out what he was actually thinking: he’d had chicken fried the rainbow. As it is well known, the Wizards steak at Mr. Sanders’ house the other night and still thinks that Stillwater is a ter- had always possessed the Pot, but those rible place to live.” pesky paddies stole what truly belonged to University of Tennessee us centuries ago. Henceforth, all leprechauns Knoxville, TN became the mortal enemies of Wizards. So “After meeting with Lane Kiffin, the head coach of I came to Notre Dame to tell everyone that the Volunteer football team, I discovered he had they’re jerks." absolutely no idea how to properly coach a team. University of Oregon I mean, how many teams hold practice on a ten- Eugene, OR nis court? His wife, however, was well-versed in “I simply asked the Oregon Duck offense the ‘magical arts’—she had two very large mysti- about their lack of a rushing attack, and this cal powers in her blouse, if you catch my drift...” brute came out and punched me in the face. I decided to give him a four-month suspen- sion from the Magic Kingdom of Aranthon.”

16 • features www.texastravesty.com almost as funny as the daily texan since 1997 features • 17

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Latest: I have decided to save time by taking all my pills for this week at the same time. 2 hours ago Twimpotence Home n. the chronic inability to “get up” the urge to tweet LuckyStrix Cognac, Alka-Seltzer and carbuncle salve #MYoldmansmell

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Agnestheold I wish my children would visit me. Trending Topics PolkaPower77 hey @AsaSpades, it’s already three weeks after New Tums Years...how about taking those Christmas lights down? LOL #warmmilk NanaFx RT @PolkaPower77: hey @AsaSpades, it’s already three Shattered Hip weeks after New Years...how about taking those Christmas lights #goodoldays down? LOL TeriJ @PolkaPower77 @NanaFx this is AsaSpade’s daughter Teri. Asa JayZ died of kidney failure. #wherearemyglasses MargeyMay Just watering the fence :) Death Panels #preshooversucks FrankJL I have decided to save time by taking all my pills for this week #cataracts at the same time. Pastor Phillip LloydWeathers Hello? Is this thing on? Somebody say something…

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CardiganIrene That Drew Carrey’s cute, but he’s no Bob Barker

features • 17 18 • features texas travesty • best of 2009-2010 Colt McCoy & Jordan Shipley Pillow Talk

CM: Today was exhausting...I am so tired from football practice. JS: Practice was good today. You threw a lot of footballs. CM: And you caught a lot of footballs. Hey! No cleats in bed. JS: Sorry, I forgot. Don’t tell coach. CM: I won’t. JS: Oh, and don’t forget to take off your helmet. CM: Dang it, I always forget. Haha, look, Helmet-hair! JS: Nice...G’night, Colt. CM: G’night, Shipster… JS: ... CM: ... JS: Pssssssssst, Colt? CM: ... JS: You still awake? CM: Yeah buddy, what’s up? JS: Whatcha thinkin’ about? CM: .... JS: Me too! CM: ... JS: ... CM: ... JS: I can’t sleep. CM: Why? JS: It’s just...you know, there’s a lot of things on my mind. CM: What’s on your mind, Shipper? JS: Football things. Like, things that...oh never mind, you wouldn’t understand. CM: Try me. JS: Do you remember the time you threw me that pass? CM: Yeah. JS: And do you remember that other time when you could have thrown the ball to anyone, but you threw it to me? CM: Of course I do. Why? JS: Well...can you keep a secret? CM: Of course I can, Big Ship! JS: Sometimes, when you throw the ball to me, I worry that I won’t catch it. CM: Really? JS: Yeah, but don’t tell anyone. CM: Are you kidding? You always catch the ball. JS: Hey, you’re right, I do! CM: It’s like your hands are made of big nets. Ha, you’re Mr. Net-Hands! JS: Haha! CM: (jumps up and down on bed) NET-HANDS!!! NET-HANDS!!! Coach : You boys keep it down in there! We have football in the morning! CM: (rolling eyes) We ALWAYS have football in the morning. Coach Mack Brown: What was that? CM: Nothing! JS: Sorry coach... Coach Mac Brown: Alright now, you boys get some sleep. CM: ... JS: ... CM: ...Hey Jordan? JS: What? CM: I meant what I said, you know, about touchdowns. JS: Really? CM: Shhh...you heard coach. I really do, Jordan. JS: You think anyone knows we’re roommates? CM: Naw. Let’s keep it our little secret.

18 • features www.texastravesty.com Almost as funny as the daily texan since 1997 features • 19 TRAVESTY INTERNSHIP

featureS • 19 20 • features texas travesty • best of 2009-2010 of Make the chest of my AST301 Put some more junk in that The Ideas Texas Professor pop a lil’ more girl’s trunk in my AMS 315 class Your ideas to advance the University Most Popular Idea Top Ranked Idea 7 Comments | 0 Posts | 116 Views | Stage : Community Review 6 Comments | 0 Posts | 666 Views | Stage : Brainstorm

DOWN UP DOWN Remind me to go to Madame Mam’s next week Posted by Selena Gomez, UP Make the chest of my AST301 Professor pop a lil’ more Posted by Martin Joyce, 19 Horns Up 4 Horns Up 3 Horns Down Freshman Plan II major on 3/07/2010 06:32 PM CST 7 Horns Down Junior American Studies Major on 3/03/2010 08:16 AM CST 73.12 18.98 I’ve heard that Madame Mam’s is pretty good, but I always forget to go there Man, Astronomy is some boring ass shit, but it would be a little better if my once someone tells me about it. I think it would be a great idea if the Univer- professor had a lil’ bit bustier self, ya smell me? She just sits up there and talks sity reminded me to go to Madame Mam’s the next time I walked by. Thanks! about the stars... it’d definitely be leavin’ me more starry-eyed if she got a little more perk up her shirt ;) P.S. Has anyone been to Torchy’s Tacos? 75 Comments | 0 Posts | 236 Views | Stage : Community Review 3 Comments | 0 Posts | 14 Views | Stage : Brainstorm UP DOWN What if like, we were all just a video game? Posted by Frank Daniels in Com- UP DOWN 140 Horns Up munity Relations on 3/12/2010 05:17 PM CST 0 Horns Up Put some more junk in that girl’s trunk in my AMS 315 class Posted by Martin Joyce, 13 Horns 0 Horns Down Junior American Studies Major on 3/11/2010 07:48 AM CST Down87.5 0.0 I always get ideas about this, man. Like, what if this was all just a videogame Man, that girl who sits in front of me in my marketing class is straight SMOKIN’, but like on ReBoot? What if we were all computer programs? What if your friends I think that she’d be a DIME if she had a little bit more to work with in the rear, ya and family were Sims? What if the food we eat is just electronic and not deli- catch my drift? Put a little bit more boom boom boom in that girl’s back room ;) cious? 44 Comments | 0 Posts | 655 Views | Stage : Community Review Don’t you ever think about the world and what it all means? I always get deep and think about this when I’m baked. They never teach you about stuff like UP DOWN I got some bad ideas in my head Posted by Travis Bickle in Campus Operations 36 Horns Up on 3/01/2010 12:34 PM CST this in school, man. No one can understand the language of the ever-expand- 8 Horns Down ing mind, dude. 83.67 I think someone should just take this city and just... just flush it down the fuckin’ toilet. 12 Comments | 0 Posts | 46 Views | Stage : Brainstorm

All the animals come out at night—whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, UP DOWN We should make bad things better Posted by Joel Mondel, Sophomore fairies, dopers, junkies, sick, venal. Someday a real rain will come and wash all 5 Horns Up 1 Horns Down Finance Major on 3/15/2010 3:43PM CST this scum off the streets. 21.99 Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads. Here is a man who would not take it any- There are a lot of bad things on campus that I think need to be less bad. If we more. A man who stood up against the scum, the dogs, the filth, the shit. Here is could somehow make them less bad in a way that would be better, that would a man who stood up. be good. This way, a bad thing would become good! For example, people would feel happy about something that made them sad. I hope all of you burn in hell. Fuckers. More >> Welcome to the 2010

Hey, Stupid-face, Could you powder Gubernatorial Dinner your head; the glare is hurting my eyes? Rick Perry’s & Bill White’s Your pal, Rick Perry note exchange during the dinner Dear Governor Rick Perry, I find nothing Dear Governor Rick Perry, That’s certainly something inherently wrong with shoving a dick in my mouth I can work on; let me discuss it with my because I find nothing wrong with homosexuality. constituents. -B.W. Sincerely, Bill White Hey, Penis-Head, Inherently? Sounds like Hey, Shit-head, I discussed it with your mom last night, something a virgin would say. and she wasn’t too thrilled with it if you know what I mean. Also, I’ve got a bigger dick than you. -R.P. -R.P. Dear Governor Rick Perry, I do think Dear Governor Rick Perry, I do not see why my mother is germane to this issue. we need to improve our sexual education. -B.W. -B.W. Hey, Donkey-Brains, Like the issue of you just shitting your pants? Seriously, it smells like ass in here. Ollie Ollie Ox and Hey, Urethra-Head, I’ve been giving your wife some Free -R.P. sexual education every Sunday evening in the back of my Dear Governor Rick Perry, I suffer from Bronco, Billy boy. P.S. Nobody likes you. Crohn’s disease, a disease that affects a sizable Keeping it real, Rick Perry percentage of fellow Texans. -B.W. Dear Governor Rick Perry, You’re a very mean person. Hey, Ass-Feet, You’re Sincerely, Bill White gonna take a sizable percent- age of my dick in your mouth. Yippee ki-yay -R.P. 20 • features www.texastravesty.com almost as funny as the daily texan since 1997 features • 21

It was a dame… The name’s Jack Hart. KNOCK Russian no doubt. KNOCK KNOCK What is it you’re looking for, doll?

14 years working as a PTS man can grind on you. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it. Pilates. My partner helps me get When I saw the reflection in the through the tough times; door I knew I was in for a ride... Lieutenant Gator’s his name. probably on my scooter. Gator...ade that is.

I had never heard of this It was after I dropped the dame off at the gym that I “Pilates” fella’, but I had a hunch WEEE! that I would run into him soon saw it.

PTS NOIR enough. A car parked so Can you take me to illegally it might as Gregory? I a Russian well have had its own foreign-exchange wrap-sheet. student.

And it was no Jay-Z rap either. I’ll I decided to bite. have to let the chief know about Although I had no idea this one. what kind of exchange she had in mind. Headquarters reeks of the stench of bureau- cracy. Damnit, Roger, that’s not good enough!!!

You write the ticket... Look, Jack, like I told you The ticket goes to Not this time... before… the “What-I-Owe” This isn’t like the page. It’s that times before! simple, Jack.

I headed back to the scene to see what I WHAT THE could turn up about HELL MAN? the car owner. HEY YOU!

The pieces fit together in Asshole... the end - a little too well if you ask me. Fortunately, I had a little help Was I any closer to find- from my old pal, Jimmy... ing the culprit in this obvious cover-up? Maybe not, but one thing is for sure; the wife is cooking spa- ghetti tonight, and I’ll be damned if I miss it. Mr. Pilates, I presume. Jimmy the lock that is.

featureS • 21 22 • interview texas travesty • best of 2009-2010

Texas Travesty Interview listed the top 14 replacements for differences. In a comedy club, Jon Stewart. You were number you’re restricted to a certain eight. Do you think you would amount of time, and the David Cross enjoy doing a show like that? audience, it’s not an all-ages By Matt Ingebretson DC: Yes and no. I think I would show, and you don’t set the be a little frustrated in not ticket price. And there’s like a David Cross is a comedian that you’re afraid to say being able to do other things two-drink minimum. Whereas in something stupid around. His hilarious and pointed because of how much time that the music clubs I controlled all comedy and unflinching drive to ridicule everything would command. I really do like of those things and can create a from right-wing politics to the Virgin Mary has left my bike right now where I work fuller show. no doubt in anybody’s mind that he is one of the in two-speed for two or three TT: I was listening to an audio most ambitious comedians in the industry. While months on this thing and then version of a very pointed, open Cross is most recognizable from his roles in cult hits I step off and then I get to do letter from you to Larry the Cable Mr. Show and Arrested Development, he has played stand-up and then I get to work Guy. What is the history of that roles in numerous movies (Scary Movie 2, Men in on the show in London and disagreement? Black, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), released then I fly back home. I would be DC: I was approached by Rolling CDs (Shut Up, You Fucking Baby! and It’s Not Funny) hesitant to give up that life—it’s Stone and did a brief interview and written books, including his most recent effort quite enjoyable. But just as far as where they asked me some stuff I Drink for a Reason. He is also releasing a pilot TV doing that kind of thing, I think about Larry the Cable Guy. Then show made with Spike Jonze and Will Arnett called it would be a lot of fun. In a way they printed it in this article The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret, it would be a little bit much. about him and took a rather which will come out in the UK later this year. The But I’m only number eight, so inflammatory remark I made Travesty recently got a chance to talk to Cross, and there’s seven other guys ahead and then printed that, and then we found the conversation to be smart, funny, and of me. Larry the Cable Guy wrote a surprisingly informative. Photo by Marina Chavez TT: You recently wrote a book book where he had a chapter called, “I Drink for a Reason.” Did about me and people like me Texas Travesty: You grew up enough money. But it occurred on stage and then do a bunch you enjoy writing a book versus and the liberal, “PC” left. He kept in Atlanta, Georgia. Did your to me, “What if I do an hour of of sets and then take the sets doing stand-up comedy? It seems referring to me as the figure- reaction against conservatism stand-up, and then they give and say, “well, these jokes and like it would give you a chance head for that broad, brush- begin at a young age? When me the corn?” And they said yes, observations worked, and these you stretch your legs instead of stroke of left-wing, liberal PC. you were in elementary school, so I did a quick hour and then didn’t.” And then that eventually being confined to an hour-long And I’m about as un-PC a comic were you calling people out on thought, “You know, there’s becomes the set. So that’s my set on stage. as you’ll find. I mean, it’s absurd. intelligent design? something to this. I could writing process. I don’t really sit DC: Yeah, that’s definitely So then I wrote the letter in David Cross: It was literally probably parlay this to get fresh down and go, “Ok! I’m going to implied. I do enjoy doing stand- response to the chapter in the at the hospital when I was in corn.” So that’s when I decided write ten jokes about whatever up more than writing. The book and posted it online. an incubator. My doctor, who to be a stand-up [comedian]. today.” process of writing is solitary and TT: Could you tell me a little delivered me, was against TT: When you started doing TT: Have you ever had to perform there’s no feedback—comedian about the project you’re working a public option and I didn’t stand-up about a month ago, in front of a mostly conservative feedback. It’s a much different on in London? understand why. Well, part of me what was your experience like? audience that is probably not form of communication. But I’m DC: It’s a pilot I shot for Channel didn’t understand why because Did you develop your persona very receptive to your style of happy with the book and I’m 4 that I wrote and am starring in the concept of language was right away, or did it take you a comedy? glad that there’s this permanent, and created with a production new to me and I was just kind little while to pick it up? DC: Oh, God yeah. My first 12 to tangible thing that you can pick company up there. It will air at of crying constantly. I spent DC: No. I ordered it over the 15 years were like that. I grew up and that’s not going to go the end of November, I think, in those first couple days crying. Internet, and they give you a up in Atlanta—that’s where I away. Whereas a stand-up set, the UK. And I’ll know by the end Anyway, I looked the doctor kit that’s sort of like a mix and started doing stand-up. each one is different and they’re of the tour whether or not it’s up when I was ten and went match thing. And I took certain TT: So did you mostly just fleeting and temporary. I mean, getting picked up and going to over to his place, but he had elements that I thought were disregard the reactions you were I’m happy with the end result of series or not. But I’m very happy died a couple years earlier but cost-effective, and this is what I getting and keep going with your the book, but the actual writing with it. It’s very funny. was still there—he had been came up with from their kit. set? process was not nearly as much TT: What’s it about? stuffed. And we had a sit down TT: So it was purely a business DC: Yeah, yeah. That’s fun— fun as a stand-up set. DC: It’s called “The Increasingly and had a heart-to-heart. I think decision? being in front of pissed-off TT: Did you not get a chance to Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret,” that’s really when I became DC: Yes. people that you don’t agree sit back and sip scotch late at and it’s a lot of fun. The cast is what would be considered TT: When you set out to write a with or don’t have a full amount night and… crazy good. Ridiculously good. “progressive,” I guess. I hate the joke, are you just trying to make of respect for. And it’s only a DC: [Laughs]. No. Well, I TT: How often do you make it to word “liberal”, but I’ll take it. people laugh, or do you start out combination of believing in probably did actually. That was Austin? I know you’re going to be TT: At what point did you with a point you want to make what I’m saying and also having occasionally part of the process. here later this month to perform. realize that you wanted to be a and derive a joke from that? a sense of humor about it. A lot But, you know, it was over two DC: I used to go to South-by- comedian? DC: I sort of want to make a of people don’t have, and this or three months. I was really Southwest all the time, but I DC: Actually, it was about a point, but not all jokes have to applies to liberal-progressive busy. think I’m kind of over it now. month ago. I was at a little have a point to it. I mean, I never people too; they just don’t have TT: You do a lot of comedy at I love Austin and I have really grocery store upstate where write, per say. I have ideas that a very evolved sense of humor. rock shows. What’s the difference good shows there, and it’s one there were a lot of farm stands occur to me and I’ll write them And it’s fun to rile them. There between performing along side of the handful of places that I and stuff like that and they had down on a piece of paper and are plenty of left-wing people bands vs. at a typical comedy really look forward to on a tour. this corn stand. And I wanted the bring that piece of paper on who don’t care for me as well. club? It’s always a good time there. some corn, but I didn’t have stage and sort of write while I’m TT: I recently read a blog that DC: Well, there are several

22 • interview www.texastravesty.com Almost as funny as the daily texan since 1997 interview • 23

older guy who was very funny. They yesterday I was thinking about my Texas Travesty Interview wanted to fire him because he was friend who is a vegetarian. Now this 70, but he was so funny. He told me is not very funny, but I know it will that when he started out people be very funny when I’ve figured it thought he was a retard. When out. But I suddenly realized, as I was Norm MacDonald he told people that we wanted to talking to this girl, who I always kind By Matt Ingebretson get into comedy, people were like, of thought was nuts, and I suddenly Norm MacDonald doesn’t seem to care “What the hell?” He was just this odd realized as she was talking to me duck who was a funny guy. It wasn’t that I agreed with her. Ethically, it’s whether or not he gets a laugh. With a like he thought he’d make money not right to kill animals if you don’t seasoned wit and disarmingly blunt delivery, or anything. I think that comedy have to to survive, but I will never MacDonald garners respect in the stand-up went off track when it became a big be a vegetarian. I do now kind of community for his willingness to explore a business. believe it is akin to murder, but I’m wide (and sometimes esoteric) variety of topics, TT: So you don’t think that comedy is willing to do it for a juicy Carl’s Jr. regardless of the outcome. His commitment something that can be learned? TT: Yeah, no doubt. I feel the exact NM: No. Unfortunately, the craft of same way. to comedy brought him from the clubs of it can. For instance, when I was in NM: I know that there is comedy right Canada to a career in film and television, stand-up I would go to clubs and there in that dissonance between including a memorable run as anchor of then come back to the clubs and what I do and what I believe in my Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live (he’s recognize the opener on stage. I heart. I know there is comedy in only person to receive approval from Update’s would ask, “Who is that guy?” and there and I know that if I ruminate originator, Chevy Chase), a starring role in the they would tell me that he was the long enough, I know that I will have door man. So, people can observe fifteen minutes of material on that cult film Dirty Work, and roles in films such as and learn the tricks of comedy. It’s exact subject, because there are Dr. Doolittle with Eddie Murphy and Screwed almost like if you see a magician, you things that are always percolating with Dave Chappelle. The Travesty managed know what I mean? You know he is in the back of your mind that you to get a hold of MacDonald and received an not sawing that lady in half! It’s still are too lazy to catch and grab. It’s education in dealing with hacky fifth-grade very impressive, but you know that very hard to be aware of what you’re humorists and the business side of comedy. he buys his tricks from the magic thinking of because you are just store. Now, if you saw an actual thinking of it in the moment. sorcerer like Richard Pryor, an actual I never write stuff down or anything Texas Travesty: You are the clown was always the hacky guy, you TT: When did you start doing standup guy that is funny and has notes for like that. People will come up to me quintessential smart ass. Were you a know? But he’d be the guy getting comedy? everything, those are the guys who and say “Do you remember that smart ass or a class clown growing up? all the girls and the funny guy at NM: I started doing it eighteen astonish me. The guys who throw thing you said? It was so funny.” And Norm MacDonald: No, I was not. I the party. And I’d just be seething years ago. away all the tricks and are genuinely I go, “I said that?” I just told them as I was extremely the other way. I always quietly to myself [laughs]. TT: Do you feel that the stand-up funny, you know? was talking. And I think, “I should’ve loved comedy, but I would notice TT: Do you think your comedy was comedy scene has changed much TT: When you sit down to write comedy written that down or something.” in school that the tremendously underappreciated when you were since you started doing it? ,what’s your writing process like? Do That’s what I try to do now. I just try unfunny guys were the ones who younger? NM: Yes. I think there are too many you sit down with a newspaper? Do to really stick on a subject and go people considered funny. So that was NM: Yeah, I would talk kind of comics. I think there were too many you watch other comedians? What’s over and over and over it until I have very frustrating. I would be kind of quietly and people would look at comics when I started, as well. See, I your approach? it. My comedy has become very long quietly saying something and not get me. I always had the kind of comedy never knew there was this comedy NM: I started out lame like everyone form. Last time I brought up the any response, and then some hack that girls would look at me and say, club circuit when I was a young boy. else, but what I try to do now is death penalty, and in two weeks that would be the funny guy [laughs]. “You’re weird.” I thought there were only a few try to take a subject... I kind of do went to eight minutes. As long as TT: So you were already identifying TT: So you were not a ladies’ man comics such as Bill Cosby, Robert long form comedy. I try to take the subject is important enough—I hacks when you were in the fifth growing up? Klein, George Carlin and Richard something that I find interesting. shouldn’t say important—as long grade? NM: No, not at all. They thought I Pryor. When I was a boy, there were When I was younger I was doing as the subject is interesting enough, NM: I hated them so much. The class was retarded or something. only about fifty or sixty comics this show, really funny jokes, but then I can find variations on the around and only five or six of them on inconsequential subjects. I was theme. A thousand variations on were good. Now, there are about five talking to [Sam] Kinison and he the theme. Just attack it from every or six thousand comics and only five said “You can talk about anything possible angle. or six good ones. It’s not like supply you want on stage. If you want to TT: Do you improv much on stage? and demand works in this scenario. talk about a fucking dog that you NM: I improv a great deal. It’s good, Just like comedy writers, people owned and how it was different for me especially, because I have began to do stand-up as a way to from a cat, go ahead. It’s your life, basically no memory. So when I make money rather than be funny. if you really find that interesting to used to write jokes word for word, I When I went to Saturday Night you.” That opened my eyes because had them so rote that I could hardly 0 Live, I met a couple of guys who I wasn’t interested in the jokes that deliver them because I was so into CALORIES were genius writers, especially Jim I was doing. I was pretending to be trying to memorize the perfect Downey who had been at the show interested in them. wording. I really admire comics who from the very beginning. He went to I started looking at comics—and I have perfectly structured jokes, but I BUD ZERO : ZERO CAL / 0 CARBS Harvard and took Russian literature love Jerry Seinfeld—he takes the don’t have that. So what I do is I have MGD 64 : 64 cal / 2.4 carbs or something like that. Sometimes minutiae and blows it way out of the idea, and then I go on stage and Michelob Ultra : 95 cal / 2.6 carbs he would write something down proportion. He’s very upset about a just talk for as long as I can until they Keystone Light : 115 cal / 5 carbs for the Harvard Lampoon. He was sock or something. So, that is a funny stop laughing. And then usually well anything worth drinking : a shitload of calories tremendously smart and funny, and way to go, but I realized, after Kinison beyond when they stop laughing. the Lampoon consisted of genius said that, that that’s not really what Then eventually it winds down and writers who eventually went to interests me the most. The greatest becomes very strong after that. All of the taste, none of the Saturday Night Live, The Simpsons comedian that I ever saw was Pryor. have to take a beating before I get and so forth. Eventually people He would just talk about things. So I there. calories or alcohol. began going to Harvard to become tried to work more towards that way. comedy writers. It wasn’t just super So, what I try to do now is whatever Beer Flavored Water Beverage geniuses that happened to be funny; honestly interests me. I kind of try Read the rest online at it was guys on purpose knowing to ruminate on that subject for as www.texastravesty. that, if they had the Lampoon listed long as I can, and if I can find some on their CV, they could get work. dissonance—like for instance just com! One time we did a sitcom with this

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