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THE issue’s BEST OF 2009–2010 ISSUE TEXAS TRAVESTY lose as many bowl games as you like, UT. cows—pink cow, brown cow, and original EEDDIItor--IN-IN-CHICHIEF MattDavid Ingebretson Strauss • Trust me bro, with every second of awkward eye cow—then you’re probably a horrible, hor- MANagING Michael Prohaska contact on the bus, you’re winning her heart. rible human being. EFEATURESDItor EDItor Bradley Jackson • Inside jokes will increase 22% over the next • Batman has been spotted on campus. Austin ASSOCIate Dan Treadway ENDEIWtorS EDITOR Kathryn Edwards around semester. Ain’t that right, Tony? Yyyyeah. has a very high Batman population. If you a see DESIGN DIrector Alyssa Peters • If you thought you could just sleep through every a Batman on campus, do not touch him, and im- DESIGN EDITOR Matt Hutcheson lecture this semester and squeak by with an A, you LEAD DESIGNER Jessica Grantham mediately contact University Health Services. PHOTO EDITOR Veronica Hansen campus were right. High five. PHoto EDItor Matty Greene • Being a C-League volleyball intramural ART EDITOR Chris Friend • Turns out the study abroad assistant didn’t have an champ won’t win her heart, bro. PUBLICITY Zak Kinnaird • The best way to sneak alcohol into a UT DIrector accent—that was a speech impediment. You did a •1/100,000th of your tuition was just spent ASSOCIate Sara Kanewske football game is to place it in your stomach. funny impression, though. WRITING Staff Matt Lester buying President Powers a pack of Skittles. EDItors JermaineStephen Affonso Short • Let’s have a moment of silence for all the top • Your success in a Pass/Fail is merely dependent on • Students well versed in the word “fail” and Malcolm Wardlaw 8th through 10th percentile of high school PUBLICITY Sabrina Abdulla whether you plan to get stoned all semester and eat its best placement in conversations still don’t Marshall Dungan graduates now languishing at UTSA. Erica Grundish Doritos in class or get stoned all semester and eat comprehend the penis and its best placement Aaron Walther • UT’s elimination of the National Merit Doritos at home. into the vagina. C.Sara J. Cervantes Nienkerk Scholarship will go a long way in getting • Everyone on campus let out a commemorative David McQuary • Stadium event staff will be shocked when WRITING staff Mike Faerber rid of all those pesky intelligent people on “Ah fuck!” as the twelfth day of classes whizzed by Kyle Killough they find Bevo pounding the Chick-fil-A KelseyJon LNambeal campus. once again. cow in the bathroom during halftime. Megan Jackson • Students who text during class are really • Make sure to grab a free condom in the West AndreaRoss L Grimesuippold • So lame, God invited like EVERYBODY to his disturbing everyone checking Facebook. Mall. The one in your wallet from two years DESIGN Staff AnnieAustin Samuelson Presley meteor shower party. • Dude, I’m not walking all the way to the fucking ago is expiring soon. LauraSuzanne Schulman Lewis RLM. • There’s really nothing better than a UT home Josue Ramirez • Put the toaster on high. You need to burn off DESIGN staff Mark Estrada • Students in long-distance relationships will the bread mold. football game to remind you why, out of Aaron Rodriguez discover that although absence makes the • Stella Artois may have better taste, but does it 50,000 students, you only associate with .04% ADPUBMINILICIstratTY IVE HSamenry Baskin Baker Sarah Greene heart grow fonder, a creatively placed web- have fun word games on the bottle cap? Hell of them. ASSIstaNTS Kathryn Beasley • Roommate gone? Time to push the beds ADMINIstratIVE Lara Grant cam does the rest. no! Lone Star for President in 2012. ASSIstaNTS Jacqueline Fitzgerald • Greenpeace? More like Green-please-get- together! Hannah Oley • Don’t want spring break to end? Drop out. KatherineJon Swope Neal the-hell-away-from-me-I’m-not-making- Kanye West did, and now he pours Grey • Did you see the production of Pride and MichaelJim Prohaska Pagels eye-contact-oh-goddammit... Goose on people for a living. Prejudice on campus recently? We have noth- DavidRyan Schwartz Betori • Someone got a little freaked out at a co-op • Need resumé help? Too bad. The Career Ser- ing funny to say about this...it was quite good. Rohan Paranjpe Kate ErgenbrightGreg Smith party last weekend, and they really don’t vices reps are looking for new jobs too, and • Why would I buy Windows 7 when I can have CARTOONIST MargaretLesley Newman Dixon want to talk about it. you’re the competition. So go fuck yourself. Windows 98? Lawrence Peart • We should all demonstrate our dedication to • The best way to tell the PCL and JCL apart CONRIBUTING Thejaswi Maruvada green initiatives the same way UT does: by is to know that you don’t get diarrhea after EDItors Ross Luippold artificially re-sodding the same acre of the going to the PCL. Stephen Short South Mall every semester. • Don’t feel bad, you’re not the only one that’s CONTACT CONTACT • As thousands of UT students attempt to out- wondered if your whole class would get an A PHONE 512-471-7898 PHONE 512-471-7898 Whataburger one another, the streets will run if your 90-year-old professor keeled over and EMAIL [email protected] EMAIL [email protected] red with fancy ketchup. died. WEB www.texastravesty.com WEB www.texastravesty.com • UT has recently been named one of the Most • No matter how long you stare, you won’t MAIL Texas Travesty • UT Austin Stressful Campuses, which is the reason why M PAIL Texas.O. Box Travesty D • Austin, • UT TX Austin 78713 know if that Dasani bottle in your fridge is P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 the administration has decided to change our filled apple juice or piss until you take a sip. EDITORS EMERITUS mantra to “It ain’t easy being a hipster.” • Thanks, plus/minus grading! I’m sure glad EDITORS EMERITUS • At least your Prius will be fuel efficient and envi- that my effort in the classroom can now be Kevin Butler KristinTrevor HRosenillery ronmentally friendly while it’s rapidly accelerating 1997 2001-20032005-2006 more accurately devalued! Brad Butler ToddDavid N ienkerkStrauss through the streets killing people. • I shall choose trick! En garde, you candy 1997-2000 2003-20052006-2007 • Doppelganger week was a remarkable study in the hoarding fiend! Ben Stroud VeronicaKristin Hansenillery vast divide between how beautiful you think you • I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription 2000-2001 2005-20062007-2008 Trevor Rosen Ross Luippold are versus how average you actually look in real is a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory pain 2001-2003LEGALESE 2008-2009 life. Yes, I’m specifically referring to you. reliever. The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- licationTodd Rossat the NUniversityienkerk of Texas at Austin, • Thanks, UT Safety Alert, but I don’t need an auxil- • Congratulations, Parkour. You’ve given published2003-2005 monthly by the permanent and iary reason to run screaming from the RLM. contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of Austin dudes yet another reason to take their (hopefully)LEGALESE humorous fiction. Except where • As long as you maintain your proud tradition of at- public figures are involved, characters are not shirts off. basedThe Texas on any Travesty real person.is the studentAny resemblence humor pub- to tractive young women in athletic shorts, you can anylication persons at the living University or dead ofis coincidental.Texas at Austin, The • If you got excited to finally own all three viewspublished expressed monthly in theby Travestythe permanent do not reflect and thecontributing views of staff.Texas The Student Travesty Publications, is a work theof (hopefully)University ofhumorous Texas at Austinfiction. orExcept pretty wheremuch publicanyone. figures All material are involved, printed charactersis property are of notthe In This Issue... basedTravesty on. The any Texas real person.Travesty Anyis not resemblence intended forto anyreaders persons under living 18 oryears dead of isage, coincidental. regardless The of viewsthe pretty expressed pictures. in the Travesty do not reflect the views of Texas Student Publications, the University of Texas at Austin or pretty much anyone.SHOUT All material OUTZ printed TO... is property of the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, regardless of the pretty pictures. Cap’n Crunch commended Cap’n Crunch accidently Cap’n Crunch receives for 30 years in the navy fires on shipmate dishonorable discharge from navy © 2007 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 Barbara Crunch files for Cap’n Crunch cited for Cap’n Crunch: 1963-2010 divorce indecent exposure at © 2010 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. elementary school Circulation: 25,000 ALMOST AS FUNNY AS THE DAILY TEXAN SINCE 1997 NEWS • 3 Poll: 29% of Boyfriends Unaware of Relationship Marshall Dungan of heated debate among both non- months. “We’re not like, dating or any- conducted the poll over the course of results have overt and flagrant biases STAFF WRITER boyfriends and sort-of-but-not-really thing. It’s just that we like to hang out a year amongst several state schools, in them,” said Akers, who has objected boyfriends, reports that nearly a third of every day of the week. No big deal.” reports 19% of men responded with most strongly to what he calls ‘stupid- WASHINGTON, DC—According men, when asked about the girl they see “Also, sex,” added Hamils. “We have “Wait, what?” while 37% chose “Define girlfriend-confusion-wording biases.’ “I to a recent poll by the Gallup Organiza- at least three times a week, denied being sex frequently.
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