October 2014

WORKING ON OUR BUSINESS FOUNDATIONS CERTIFICATE SINCE 1997 OCTOBER 2014

UT AUSTIN’S OFFICIAL HUMOR PUBLICATION 2-Contents/Calendar

The SYNERGYIssue in this issue...

Editor-in-Chief Chris Gilman Managing Editor Rohit Mandalapu Associate Editor Xavier Rotnofsky Contributing Editor Nick Mehendale Design Director Maryam Amjadi Distribution Director Ethan Boer

Social Media Directors Neha Dubey Girl in bar very selective about Ugly student’s puppy not cute Swarm of bees ruins sting Helen Smith who she rubs her butt on enough to make him approachable operation Head Videographer Marshall Kistner Writing Sta Justin Bregman Nick Ward Colby Smith Josh “Knuckes” Brenner Vishal Jain Edward Stockwell Mac McCann Recruiter’s handshake a little God to get Jesus on Local mom 60% done de- Design Sta Hazel O’Neil Erin O’Connor too lotiony weekends stroying son’s self-con dence Administrative Elizabeth Moore Assistants Max Friedman of crushed up chips and eat it like cereal? fedoras Chloe Morris • Th e Texas gubernatorial election is between a • We accept the love we think we deserve. We Elizabeth Dubois Nathan Simmons person famous for standing a long time and also accept American Express, Mastercard, Vedant Peris someone famous for sitting for a long time and Visa Cole Gertho er Ruby Monettte-Meadow • I love you like a gay guy loves his gay • Well, technically she lost her virginity to a Olivia Berkeley younger brother Bop-It Abby Hilling • My bonsai tree can’t stop stuntin’ • Life is a highway, so adopt it Jordan Dempsey Lee Rudder • Meteorology is the creepy uncle of sciences • I was just like, “Okay, Dad, just pay for my • God commanded, “Th ou shalt not use the college, I don’t care” CONTACT PHONE 281-701-7001 • I can’t wait to have the talk with your kids Lord’s name in vain, unless in orgasm” • Boy, I sure hope Kid Rock has somewhere to EMAIL [email protected] • My father’s dying wish was to be buried in WEB www.texastravesty.com stay during the apocalypse his snakeskin onesie. It was granted. MAIL Texas Traves- • Smoking kills - and that’s why it’s cool • Cold, calculating ty • UT Austin • Suzanne, what did we say about oinking at P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 • My great-grandmother wasn’t such a great funerals? man forgot EDITORS EMERITUS sweatshirt for Kevin Butler Veronica Hansen grandmother • Th e family that prays together gets ignored 1997 2007-2008 • Stop giving the homeless Monopoly money by Jesus together algebra study Brad Butler Ross Luippold session 1997-2000 2008-2009 • My parakeet fucking hates you, Stephen. • Cinderella wasn’t even that pretty, unless Ben Stroud Matt Ingebretson • Man refuses to let 2000-2001 2009-2010 • Kiss me with that booty you’re counting having step-sisters as being Trevor Rosen Alyssa Peters • Do you think they held a lightbulb vigil for oor ruin good 2001-2003 2010-2011 good looking meal Todd Ross Nienkerk David McQuary Edison? 2003-2005 2011-2012 • I was looking for MILF porn but it turns Kristin Hillery Katherine Swope • Did you know you can pour salsa into a bowl out MILF doesn’t stand for men in leather 2005-2006 2012-2013 David Strauss Nick Mehendale 2006-2007 2013-2014

LEGALESE The Texas Travesty is a student humor publication at what are Statues the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and contributing sta . The Travesty is a work of (hopefully) humorous ction. Except where public gures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to saying? any persons living or dead is coincidental. The views expressed in the Travesty do not re ect the views of Texas Student Media, The University of Texas at Q: There’s a ton of Austin, or pretty much anyone. All material printed is property on the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, exciting stuff coming reguardless of the pretty pictures. SHOUT OUTZ TO... up in this fall Pluckers, The LSAT, El Sonidito, The Je er- sons, Curry whi , Mac’s “raps o the dome”, Deauxma, Curly fry hair, Baby tonsil, Gerald semester: ACL, OU Johnson, ISIS mobile payment, X & E, Fuck Whitney Cummings, Chili’s, Six Texas teas, The Black Parade, Wonder Showzen’s “Slaves”, Weekend, Austin Maryam, Hazel, China Co., okay-man Comic Con, etc. What are you most “Whichever one requires more “We’re excited to escape this little pond “I must support my brothers in walking. My calves sure could use of ours and aquatrot through the Gulf Oklahoma.” -Jefferson Davis excited for? a nice flexin’!” -Barbara Jordan in search of our duckhorse brethren.” -duckhorses Jareth and Dromas

WALKIN’ ON SUNSHINE WHOA-OH SINCE 1997 NEWS• 3

13 Billion BCE: 1883: University 1884: English Universe forms forms, Mack replaces Portuguese Brown forms as official language Homeless hunchback surprisingly good singer

AUSTIN — Spectators were astounded to find Nick McRoberts, a local homeless hunchback, is a surprisingly good singer. “I’m not homeless. I think people just looked at my back and made the assump- tion. I’ve been living here for years. You’d think people would notice me from the home owners meetings,” said Mr. McRob- erts as he watered his front lawn. “Honest- ly I just hum along to my iPod when I’m walking my dog around in the morning. My neighbors have been coming by and putting change in my coffee cup, I don’t think they notice it’s full. At least a few of them smile at me.” When asked about his how his back effects his tramping around the country, McRoberts replied, “I work in an office.” The monster under my bed isn’t half as bad as the monster who married my mom Little Ray Peterson day, I can always count on usually just get Reginald except he never feeds me. Scared Child Reginald to leave a pile to share some of his crick- On a typical night, he’ll He makes growly noises of ooze next to my bed. ets with me. That’s why drink a bunch of funny when I try to sleep. He It used to make me mad Reginald is not so bad. soda pop, and then get blows his stinky breath in but I’ve gotten used to it. Yes, he may start shrieking to making some soup for my face every chance he I can’t say the same for my whenever I bring a friend himself. Clam chowder, gets and he stands next to step-dad. Sure he’s been home for a playdate, but tomato basil, split pea, my bed every night and around since my real dad all of it smells so good. just stares. His name is left, but I kind of wish he “ I say ‘Jeff, it’s He’ll make a big pot full, Reginald. He’s the mon- wasn’t. and then slide around ster that lives under my Step dads are supposed nugget time,’ the kitchen slurping it bed. Sure, he makes my to be good at remember- up with a big spoon. “No life a little bit more dif- ing things, right? ‘Cause but he always soup for you” he giggles, ficult, but he’s not nearly Jeff has forgotten to feed “the soup is all mine mine as bad as the monster who me dinner four times mine!” He never gives me married my mommy. this week. Mom works ignores me. ” any of it, it’s a joke with away. It’s always after tries to sell my baseball Me and Reginald go nights now, so it’s his job no punchline. he’s been drinking lots cards for soda again, I’m way back. Even in my to make me my Tyson’s I just shove a sock in his You know when your of funny soda, so he acts gonna get Reginald to baby photos you can see savory chicken nuggets. I mouth and carry on. I dad picks you up for an all dizzy. Come on Jeff, I help me out, ‘cause even him lurking in the corner. say “Jeff, it’s nugget time,” can’t shove a sock in my airplane ride, he’s sup- want to be the dizzy one! he thinks Jeff is a monster. We have a real love/hate but he always ignores me. Jeff ’s bad parenting. posed to spin you around I guess I’ll just have to get relationship, because he He only gets up when he’s Oh and Jeff ’s horrible and make you feel like silly on the soda pop. makes my life so hard, but thirsty, and that’s all the jokes! One of his favor- you’re flying. Jeff is not Reginald can keep he’s still always been there time, cause he drinks a lot ites is the “No soup for good at these. He picks drinking my apple juice for me. When I come of funny soda pop. I can’t you!” joke from Seinfeld, me up for two seconds and eating money out of home from school every work the microwave, so I which would be fine, and then drops me right my piggybank. But if Jeff Travesty Fact #281: Sharks kill just as many of us as we do them. Don’t believe their lies. •3 4-Opinion DRUGS, ROCK, AND SEX N’ ROLL! SINCE 1997 NEWS• 4

Part time student full time waste of parents’ income

Josh Brenner set of analyses released the student, Farris would degree,” said Felicia, “but STAFF WRITER by his mother last spring have liked to punctuate gender studies? What indicated that Farris’s his comment with a bong interest could that pos- AUSTIN, TX — White minimum-wage salary rip. However, he is cur- sibly be to anybody? It’s House economists con- was insufficient to even rently saving his allow- just not going to be an firmed Wednesday that, pay for the marijuana he ance for a spring break important topic anytime despite his decision to consumes in the alleyway trip to Cabo. soon.” enroll in school only part- before each of his shifts. His parents, Felicia Farris’s professors were time this semester, UT The impending and somewhat more under- undergraduate Michael probabilistically inevitable “Unfortunately, it standing of his dilemma – Farris will remain a full- threat of economic ruin seems that Michael according to his “Battle- time waste of his parent’s has not gone unnoticed will not be able to toads and Contemporary income and of national by Matthew, who recently improve the long- Homophobia” lecturer, educational resources. unveiled his plan to en- Dr. Dan Francisco, more “We’ve done the math sure that his finances will term viability of and more students are and run all the models,” sustain as little damage as his Gender Studies deciding to enroll in fewer said Shaun Donavan, possible. “My parents are degree by working than 12 hours each year. Finding this balance is all “Hmphpmohmphpm- Director of Budget for pretty rich. I mean, they at the Wag-a-Bag “Michael isn’t the first, a part of growing up.” phpmph,” smoked Farris. the Obama cabinet, “And have like 2 cars, and that’s or even the hundredth for 9 hours a week.” Although he is wary “Huuuuuuuuhhhh…. unfortunately, it seems a lot compared to people student to approach me of the challenges the Hmpmphmohmo…” that Michael will not who have fewer cars. If I and Marjorie Farris, are about attending UT only future might hold, Farris be able to improve the can convince them to send well aware of Farris’s part time. The fact is, says that he is confident long-term viability of his me the money I need, I plans, and claim that they many young people find in the coping skills that Gender Studies degree by won’t have to alter my have been for quite some it nearly impossible to professors like Dan have working at the Wag-a- lifestyle or future plans in time. “It would be one balance work and school taught him. Bag for 9 hours a week.” any way whatsoever.” Ac- thing to be paying for an with their social and Indeed, a broad-spectrum cording to sources close to engineering or business recreational drug use.

Travesty Fact #41: Two dads are better than none.• 4 5 NEWS• 4 5• NEWS TEXAS TRAVESTY • OCTOBER 2014

1898: UT 1916: Bevo is 1923: Prohibition throws drugged on has no effect on quinceañera opium West Campus

Man washes penis after touching hands Broken mirror causes seven NEW YORK — For the past two weeks, Chester Jacobs has been rushing to the bathroom to scrub his genitals clean after shaking hands with new acquaintances. “After skin-to-skin contact, I always years of bad luck once dad feel the sudden urge to clean my penis. You never know where people put their hands in this city. Their penises too,” clarified Ches- locks you in basement for ter as frantically smothered his member in Purell. “I don’t know, I’m just going straight to the source, man.” As of press time, Chester breaking his mirror proudly proclaimed that no one has ever had a cleaner penis after a trip through the subway. MILWAUKEE, WI — Reports say that after accidentally closing the bathroom door just a little too loudly and breaking your dad’s $10 Target Would you look at that, area woman door-mirror, you can look forward to seven years of misery locked in the just earned herself a cheat day family basement. “I’m sorry!”, the muffled screams come futilely through the fourteen years worth of accumulated house-shit. Although your AUSTIN — After three trying days of juice cleansing, Austin father was not available for comment, as usual, his history of locking you resident Ann Sumpter has earned herself a cheat day. “I’ve been in the basement for walking under the roof guy’s ladder and opening an drinking lemon and cayenne pepper tea for what seems like weeks umbrella inside the house leaves little hope of successful appeals for early and I deserve this, damnit!” said Sumpter exasperatedly, protectively release. “I’m so so sorry, daddy!”. As of press time, there have been no clutching her Snickers bar. “I don’t have to defend myself to anyone, new developments on the condition of the crack in the sidewalk or the Study: Baby oil does not ok? I know that most of my friends who are eating clean with me estimated recovery time for your mother’s broken back. won’t understand where I’m coming from, but at least I don’t keep actually fuel babies instagramming pictures of my kale smoothies like Karen does.” As of press time, Sumpter continues searching her house for remnants Part time student full time waste of parents’ income of pre-cleanse junk food. NEWARK, NJ — Earlier today, scientists from Johnson & Johnson released a study proving conclusively that baby oil does not, in fact, fuel babies. “After years of research and billions of dollars in funding, we can finally say that baby oil, along with other purported types of baby propellant, is a poor fuel source for babies,” said researcher Gary LeBeau before heading down to the lab to fill more rats with baby oil. “Actu- ally, baby oil seemed to have the exact opposite effect on humans under the age of two years old. Of course, it’s still safe and healthy for all of us non-infants.” LeBeau added that they were still hard at work to find ways of getting babies going.

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Travesty Fact #41: Two dads are better than none.• 4 5 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com 6-Doubletruck

6• FEATURES

strap in! Charlie Strong’s

Charlie Strong’s brought a whole lot of change to UT football. Let’s take a look at our new coach and longhornswhere he’s taking the Longhorns this season. Fun Facts About Charlie Strong He spends his He prefers to free time woodcarving footballs. pee while sitting down. He made his name Contrary to popular belief, he in the spice trade. was actually not breastfed. He has a hunchbacked uncle He tends to a small with a beautiful baritone voice. colony of sea monkeys. Locker Room

Etiquette what the fans are • After practice, whoever gets the golden egg can go home 1st. • Unanimously recite the pre-game saying: speech from Little Giants in the “The stadium is the only place that will shower. serve me hotdogs.” • Wash behind Charlie Strong’s ears. • The only shampoo allowed in the locker room is L’Oreal No More Most Te ars. Handsome • All baby powder is communal. Player: Yao Lewis

6• FEATURES Doubletruck-7

FEATURES •7

my top new rules by Charlie Strong

1) If you’re gonna play slap ass, include me, and you can be sure Charlie’s hankerin’ for a handful of smooth but- tocks.

2) Teeth must be brushed im- mediately after the game, and you can be sure Charlie’s checkin’ that mouth.

3) Respect all women, and you can be sure Charlie’s a committed third-wave femi- nist.

4) No excuses for not giving 100%, except for the death of a family member or “What a time for diversity. “My dad’s started com- Charlie Strong is coach. ing to the games now, “I’m just relieved for a wedding, and you can be Obama is president. All we this could really fi x our the excuse to get black- sure Charlie’s attendin’ to pay relationship” out before noon.” need now is to get Ice Cube his respects. in the UN.”

FEATURES •7 8

LETTING OUR HAIR DOWN AND PUTTING ON OUR DANCING SHOES SINCE 1997 NEWS• 8

1940: God ac- 1945: Allies liber- 1963: Confeder- cidentally sends Jesus back too early, kills him ate Jester dormi- ate statues be- again tory come an issue Local big guy receives slap on back

AUSTIN, TX — Don Jingles, a local handyman, received a slap on the back last Thursday after successfully completing a routine air conditioner repair. “He was doing such a good job, using his li’l wrenchy like the big guy he is,” the customer stated, adding that the she stood watching the entire time he worked, commenting on his form. “With a little encourage- ment he was able to do almost a good job! He should be proud of himself, he tried really hard.” As of press time, Jingles had not reported any other occurrences of back-slapping, but that he hoped to “encounter some more in the future, because it felt good.” I’m not sexist. I respect all white, blonde, blue-eyed wome— Wait, holy shit. Am I racist?

holy shit, am I a racist? open minded guy. Mel Gibson not remember someone Professional Drunk Why am I just now con- There have been plenty named Oksana Grig- templating this? It’s pretty of women I’ve been with orieva, who was neither I’ve never thought of my- silly, when you think who didn’t meet the cri- blonde nor had blue eyes? self as sexist, and honestly, about it. Of course I’m teria that would make me Her and I were a thing for I’m not even sure why neither racist nor sexist. In a racist. Did you ever see a little while, so there you these accusations even Lethal Weapon, my partner The Year of Living Dan- have it. Granted, she was exist. I’m Mel Gibson, was black, for passion of a whole lot sexier when one of America’s most re- the Christ’s sake! Grant- “The Year of Liv- she put on that blonde nowned actors, for God’s ed, the white girl who ing Dangerously? wig and the blue contact sake! I’ve won awards for played Amanda makes lenses for our role playing films I’ve directed and me feel more comfortable, Totally did stuff nights… It... It’s not rac- starred in, each one having but who cares. I sincerely ist, it’s just a fetish. at minimum one female like all people, especially with Sigourney I’m neither sexist nor character. I have nothing women, regardless of the Weaver, and racist. I have no problem against women, whatsoev- color of their skin, eyes or being with a woman who er! So what if I happen to hair (wow, why was that we’re cool! ” isn’t white or blonde or prefer those with luscious, so hard to say?) I have blue-eyed. She could flowing golden-blonde a clean history with all gerously? Totally did stuff be, lets say, from South one a chance if she were be a racist; a racist would hair and blue eyes so deep kinds of women. And ask with Sigourney Weaver, America, or the Middle willing to consider dyeing expect all three of those you could drown in them? any of my female friends: and we’re cool! Even my East, or Sweden, probably her hair, or wearing blue things in a girl. Like I’ve said many times Cameron Diaz, Taylor ex-wife Robyn Denise not Israel, or somewhere contacts, or bleaching before, I’m not sexist, I Swift, and Blake Lively Moore was a lovely where beautiful blonde, her skin. Even just two respect all white, blonde, just to name a few, and brunette (just ignore the blue-eyed women are of those three would be blue-eyed wome- wait, they’ll tell you I’m a pretty blue eyes thing). Do you scarce. I would give any- acceptable with me. I can’t

Travesty Fact #666: Prayer only cures certain forms of STD’s. • 8 9

NEWS• 8 9• NEWS TEXAS TRAVESTY • OCTOBER 2014

1969: Bevo V 1983: God sends 1989: Matthew drugged on LSD Jesus back too early McConaughey loses again, kills him again virginity in McCombs I sure hope they serve milk in hell ‘cause I done some real bad things

Marpet Finkelstein back as I can ‘member. The worst of all these, mornin’ I didn’t even MILKMAN At the age of six or seven though, was him always have to get outta bed I ‘member I was ridin’ lettin’ his milk spoil before to know what had hap- Most young kids wanna my bike all up and down drinkin’ it. ‘Course I pened. Goes without be professional athletes the neighborhood, like a always got to it before it sayin’ I moved out right or astronauts when they milker without a route, truly went bad…until just then and there. No way grow up, but I always and when I came into the about the worst night of could I look old Lee in dreamed bigger. What I house all hot and sweaty I my life happened. them yellerbelly eyes wanted more than anythin’ opened the fridge, pushed ever again. in the world was to be a aside a perfectly good “At the age of six Worst thing I ever milkman. What began as bottle o’ udder water, and or seven I done, though, I did just a distant dream real grabbed myself a lemon- some years later. I quickly became my reality. ade instead. That was the ‘member I was was drivin’ a glass of I worked in the industry start of it all. No matter ridin’ my bike all she-cow squeeze out for over forty years, and how much I loved her, up and down the to Mrs. Benson’s, the life was good. I know I never did treat ol’ lady house with the yeller these days, with ESPN white with the respect she neighborhood, like fence. When I stopped and The Tinder and deserved. a milker without a short at a stop sign I regular bottles and took the nerve to tell me, real everythin’ else, “our thing” When I moved outta route.” didn’t see, Mrs. Benson’s that to old Mrs. Benson. meanly, that milk don’t has lost some of the glam- my mom’s place I rented bottle fell from the shelf I still can’t believe I did matter. She says what I’m not sexist. I respect all white, blonde, blue-eyed wome— Wait, holy shit. Am I racist? our it once had, but back an apartment with my I was sleepin’ in bed, and broke on compact. that. It’s bad enough I let matters is that I killed a in the day us milkmen best friend, at the time, real tired after workin’ a Now the thing ‘bout Mrs. a whole bottle o’ white little boy with a baseball were on top of the world, Lee. If you think I was 17-hour shift, when Lee’s Benson was she was a real spill out, but then I lied to bat, but she just don’t like gangsters, but instead bad you shoulda seen how milk started goin’ bad. She weak old lady; so weak, in another bottle, tellin’ it it understand how annoyin’ of doin’ murder and extor- old Lee treated his white wasn’t gone yet, not even fact, that she had to drink was something it wasn’t. that boy was. tion we sold fresh milk. gold. Lee was notori- close. It was just beginnin’. a special kinda udder I am a bad man. I look The only problem: I was ous amongst the milk Normally I could smell it water without lactose. It back on all these sins o’ never a real good person. crowd, since I told ‘em all startin’ and it would wake was this lactose-free bottle mine and feel sick in my Bottom line is, I really the stories. This boy Lee me, a thing old Lee never that broke and I didn’t gut. My sister came for hope they got milk in hell, was always throwin’ out did believe, but this time know what to do since visitin’ hours the other ‘cause I’ve done some bad yogurts half-eaten and I was so darn tired I slept it was my only one. So I day and after I was tellin’ stuff. drinkin’ his coffee black, right through it, havin’ peeled off the lactose-free her ‘bout all these regrets I was a rotten one and commitin’ a whole nightmare dreams ‘bout label from a piece of glass of mine, she looks at me from just about as early slew of other dairy crimes. it the whole while. In the and put it on one of the through the glass and has Cow getting slaughtered for McDonald’s Cat can’t wait for delicious hamburger jealous of cow getting looking owner to die

slaughtered for Prada bag HOUSTON, — No longer capable of ignoring his owner’s rodent-like features, local tabby cat Tortillo can’t wait for AMARILLO, TX — As they were packed onto different conveyor belts, a his delicious looking owner to die. “The way she scurries cow destined for a McDonald’s Big Mac reportedly became jealous of a cow around like a little field mouse, her pink ears and squeaky about to get slaughtered for a Prada bag. “The thing that just really hurts is that voice. It’s getting rather difficult to remain patient,” we both occupied the same cage back at the factory farm, and I didn’t think thought the tabby as he eyed the succulent eyeballs of 76 things would be so arbitrary,” Big Mac cow said just before the floor beneath year-old bridge enthusiast Esther Stein. “Those big ears, his hooves was electrified to a deadly voltage. “The life I’ve been forced to live her white fur… I shall feast. I’ll have my meals set for at has been unfair, but I guess my dead body just isn’t nice enough to be filled with least a couple of days.” As of press time, Tortillo was seen tampons and crumpled receipts.” As of press time, Big Mac cow was last seen peeing on Stein’s staircase to try and speed up her owner’s swimming down the digestive tract of a middle-aged mailman. demise.

9 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com 10

FORGETTING TO FEED OUR TAMAGACHI SINCE 1997 NEWS• 10

1992: The Eyes of 1997: Texas Trav- 2000: “Who Let the Texas get first Lasik Dogs Out” replaces esty replaces Red “Eyes of Texas” for 3 surgery Cross UT Chapter months Area man wishes son would Man spitting mad game on fake model’s reciprocate piggy back rides Facebook page ROUND ROCK, TX — After a long, playful picnic at the park, dejected father BOISE, ID — Area man Clyde Thomas, eloquent in both flattery Dale Whitrock sat on the grass just wishing his son could reciprocate his piggy and seduction, posted on the fake Facebook page of Polish-German back rides. “I know Zane’s a little guy, but jeez, you would think he could hoist model Claudia Ciesla this Tuesday. “Absolutely Stunning! Oh, me up on his shoulders for just a minute,” muttered Whitrock as he cleaned up what I would do to you. Ruff ruff ;),” Thomas commented on cover the remnants of his son’s sloppy joe. “I’ve been trying to get him into sports. If he photo’s from Ciesla’s latest calendar shoot in Brazil. “I clicked like just gained some upper body strength, I could hop on his back and feel the cool and bam! Just like that, I was in.” The eager Thomas has yet to hear a wind whip by as my son’s laughter filled my ears.” As of press time, Whitrock was response to any of his comments, pokes, or Farmville invitations, but seen looking wistfully into the distance as his nearby son poked at an anthill with that did not stop the young man from eagerly making a reservation a long stick. for two at PF Chang’s for the weekend. Hopeful student brings condoms Roommate asking for privacy so to office hours people will think he’s having sex AUSTIN — Although everyone knows he’s not sexually active, AUSTIN— After a stimulating lecture in Human Sexuality ended late Monday freshman Sam Lewis has “sexiled” his roommate for eight consecu- afternoon, wishful sophomore Greer Pooths showed up to Professor Heather tive nights. “He doesn’t even talk to girls. Even if he did, I know Donathan’s office hours with an unopened box of condoms. “I know it sounds Confused mechanic he’s still at the PCL. Why is he leaving the “I’m humping” tie on crazy, but whenever she gets on the topic of banging and stuff she is always star- the door?,” said roommate Tristan Jacobson as he put his ear to his ing right at me and giving me mad vibes. So I figured why not follow my heart nervous customer will ask door, listening for sounds of movement. “He just broke up with his and go for it,” claimed a lustful Pooths as he struggled to rip through the plastic “girlfriend” who lives in Maui last week and now he thinks we’re all wrap encasing the Trojan Ecstasy X-tra® lubricated condoms with reservoir tip. for happy ending going to believe he’s getting laid?” At press time, Sam was looking “I figured office hours would be the best time to dip my pen in the educational up sex sounds on Spotify to play at full volume. ink, since I figured she’d be pretty busy during class. I don’t want to do anything FLOWER MOUND, TX — Local Jiffy Lube that would harm what we have between us.” As of press time, the blinds in Pro- associate Giuseppe Soriano remains nervous that fessor Donathan’s office were being lowered by a swaggering and shirtless Pooths. his customers will ask for a happy ending after he finishes work on their car. “When Mr. Scotts- man asked if his vehicle would be receiving the ‘full Jiffy experience’, I did not know if he simply meant whether his car would be well taken care of, or if he wanted me to give him a handjob,” a bewildered Soriano reported as he covered his hands in motor grease, just in case. The situation escalated further after Scottsman commented that Soriano’s calloused hands likely indicated that he knew what he was doing. “Do people typically prefer under or over the pants handjobs? I’m getting butterflies.” As of press time, Scottsman left the establishment after paying his bill and receiving pleasantly unexpected oral sex from Soriano. Librarian can’t wait to shush girl Chick-Fil-A manager going to leave gay employee unsupervised today in wheelchair HOUSTON, TX — After weeks of unfaltering scrutiny, Chick-Fil-A AUSTIN— Senior PCL librarian, Jeanette Coleman, literally cannot wait to shift manager Brian Carter is letting the recently hired homosexual deal out a furious shushing to Anita Clark, a paraplegic girl whose volume has far cashier Mitchell Thomas work unsupervised today. “It’s been a while surpassed acceptable library levels. “Every day, little miss Squeals-on-Wheels rolls since the whole gay thing happened, so I figured on in here like she’s delivering a State of the Union address,” Coleman grunted it wouldn’t be a big deal to let him do his own thing,” said Carter, as she finished installing cameras around the library, intending to document the who receives orders from upper-management that include not letting event to so she can demonstrate to everyone her firm position on the library’s Thomas touch food and not to let him be around impressionable ‘No Talking’ rule. “I don’t care if you’re black, white, jalapeño, deaf, or bow- young children that he might convert. “Last week he was legged. Rules are rules.” As of press time, Coleman was preparing a list of mean singing Opposites Attract by Paula Abdul by himself, and I had to yell nicknames to call Anita if the wheelchair bound girl so much as dared talk back at him, but the kid really just needs a break.” As of press time, Carter to her. was last seen discarding any phallic chicken tenders. Travesty Fact #2: Nothing will get that mayonnaise smell out of a coffin. •10 11-Classifieds

NEWS• 10 11• NEWS TEXAS TRAVESTY • OCTOBER 2014

2013: Bevo 2014: Kornel Rady 2018: University XIV drugged on elected student body successfully changes molly president world, shuts down

Where Are They Now?

SmarterChild That fuck who owes me $12 “Friends” boom mic operator Kate Middleton’s new baby Merriam from Merriam-Webster

Claim to Fame: Claim to Fame: Claim to Fame: Claim to Fame: Claim to Fame: • Figurative punching bag for • Boom mic operator on over 400 • Saying “It’ll even out • Is Kate Middleton’s new baby • Picked heads in the coin toss for every middle schooler to release eventually” episodes of television, including Friends, naming rights Cheers, and iCarly • Being a virgin their frustrations upon • Almost fingerbanged Phoebe once • Taught you the meaning of “mother” What they’re up to now: What they’re up to now: What they’re up to now: What they’re up to now: What they’re up to now: • Currently in the process of • Probably having sex with my • Working as a consultant for divorcing Samantha from ‘Her’ loved ones • Sitting in his darkened living • Developing gender-specific • Undergoing intensive therapy • Reminding me that he bought me room alone repeating “I’ll Be genetalia urbandictionary.com after years of verbal abuse from a water bottle 2 months ago and seventh graders needs to get reimbursed soon There For You” over and over Order Matters

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