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October 2014 1 WORKING ON OUR BUSINESS FOUNDATIONS CERTIFICATE SINCE 1997 OCTOBER 2014 UT AUSTIN’S OFFICIAL HUMOR PUBLICATION 2-Contents/Calendar The SYNERGYIssue in this issue... Editor-in-Chief Chris Gilman Managing Editor Rohit Mandalapu Associate Editor Xavier Rotnofsky Contributing Editor Nick Mehendale Design Director Maryam Amjadi Distribution Director Ethan Boer Social Media Directors Neha Dubey Girl in bar very selective about Ugly student’s puppy not cute Swarm of bees ruins sting Helen Smith who she rubs her butt on enough to make him approachable operation Head Videographer Marshall Kistner Writing Sta Justin Bregman Nick Ward Colby Smith Josh “Knuckes” Brenner Vishal Jain Edward Stockwell Mac McCann Recruiter’s handshake a little God to get Jesus on Local mom 60% done de- Design Sta Hazel O’Neil Erin O’Connor too lotiony weekends stroying son’s self-con dence Administrative Elizabeth Moore Assistants Max Friedman of crushed up chips and eat it like cereal? fedoras Chloe Morris • Th e Texas gubernatorial election is between a • We accept the love we think we deserve. We Elizabeth Dubois Nathan Simmons person famous for standing a long time and also accept American Express, Mastercard, Vedant Peris someone famous for sitting for a long time and Visa Cole Gertho er Ruby Monettte-Meadow • I love you like a gay guy loves his gay • Well, technically she lost her virginity to a Olivia Berkeley younger brother Bop-It Abby Hilling • My bonsai tree can’t stop stuntin’ • Life is a highway, so adopt it Jordan Dempsey Lee Rudder • Meteorology is the creepy uncle of sciences • I was just like, “Okay, Dad, just pay for my • God commanded, “Th ou shalt not use the college, I don’t care” CONTACT PHONE 281-701-7001 • I can’t wait to have the talk with your kids Lord’s name in vain, unless in orgasm” • Boy, I sure hope Kid Rock has somewhere to EMAIL [email protected] • My father’s dying wish was to be buried in WEB www.texastravesty.com stay during the apocalypse his snakeskin onesie. It was granted. MAIL Texas Traves- • Smoking kills - and that’s why it’s cool • Cold, calculating ty • UT Austin • Suzanne, what did we say about oinking at P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 • My great-grandmother wasn’t such a great funerals? man forgot EDITORS EMERITUS sweatshirt for Kevin Butler Veronica Hansen grandmother • Th e family that prays together gets ignored 1997 2007-2008 • Stop giving the homeless Monopoly money by Jesus together algebra study Brad Butler Ross Luippold session 1997-2000 2008-2009 • My parakeet fucking hates you, Stephen. • Cinderella wasn’t even that pretty, unless Ben Stroud Matt Ingebretson • Man refuses to let 2000-2001 2009-2010 • Kiss me with that booty you’re counting having step-sisters as being Trevor Rosen Alyssa Peters • Do you think they held a lightbulb vigil for oor ruin good 2001-2003 2010-2011 good looking meal Todd Ross Nienkerk David McQuary Edison? 2003-2005 2011-2012 • I was looking for MILF porn but it turns Kristin Hillery Katherine Swope • Did you know you can pour salsa into a bowl out MILF doesn’t stand for men in leather 2005-2006 2012-2013 David Strauss Nick Mehendale 2006-2007 2013-2014 LEGALESE The Texas Travesty is a student humor publication at what are Statues the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and contributing sta . The Travesty is a work of (hopefully) humorous ction. Except where public gures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to saying? any persons living or dead is coincidental. The views expressed in the Travesty do not re ect the views of Texas Student Media, The University of Texas at Q: There’s a ton of Austin, or pretty much anyone. All material printed is property on the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, exciting stuff coming reguardless of the pretty pictures. SHOUT OUTZ TO... up in this fall Pluckers, The LSAT, El Sonidito, The Je er- sons, Curry whi , Mac’s “raps o the dome”, Deauxma, Curly fry hair, Baby tonsil, Gerald semester: ACL, OU Johnson, ISIS mobile payment, X & E, Fuck Whitney Cummings, Chili’s, Six Texas teas, The Black Parade, Wonder Showzen’s “Slaves”, Weekend, Austin Maryam, Hazel, China Co., okay-man Comic Con, etc. What are you most “Whichever one requires more “We’re excited to escape this little pond “I must support my brothers in walking. My calves sure could use of ours and aquatrot through the Gulf Oklahoma.” -Jefferson Davis excited for? a nice flexin’!” -Barbara Jordan in search of our duckhorse brethren.” -duckhorses Jareth and Dromas © 2014 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 3 WALKIN’ ON SUNSHINE WHOA-OH SINCE 1997 NEWS• 3 13 Billion BCE: 1883: University 1884: English Universe forms forms, Mack replaces Portuguese Brown forms as official language Homeless hunchback surprisingly good singer AUSTIN — Spectators were astounded to find Nick McRoberts, a local homeless hunchback, is a surprisingly good singer. “I’m not homeless. I think people just looked at my back and made the assump- tion. I’ve been living here for years. You’d think people would notice me from the home owners meetings,” said Mr. McRob- erts as he watered his front lawn. “Honest- ly I just hum along to my iPod when I’m walking my dog around in the morning. My neighbors have been coming by and putting change in my coffee cup, I don’t think they notice it’s full. At least a few of them smile at me.” When asked about his how his back effects his tramping around the country, McRoberts replied, “I work in an office.” The monster under my bed isn’t half as bad as the monster who married my mom Little Ray Peterson day, I can always count on usually just get Reginald except he never feeds me. Scared Child Reginald to leave a pile to share some of his crick- On a typical night, he’ll He makes growly noises of ooze next to my bed. ets with me. That’s why drink a bunch of funny when I try to sleep. He It used to make me mad Reginald is not so bad. soda pop, and then get blows his stinky breath in but I’ve gotten used to it. Yes, he may start shrieking to making some soup for my face every chance he I can’t say the same for my whenever I bring a friend himself. Clam chowder, gets and he stands next to step-dad. Sure he’s been home for a playdate, but tomato basil, split pea, my bed every night and around since my real dad all of it smells so good. just stares. His name is left, but I kind of wish he “ I say ‘Jeff, it’s He’ll make a big pot full, Reginald. He’s the mon- wasn’t. and then slide around ster that lives under my Step dads are supposed nugget time,’ the kitchen slurping it bed. Sure, he makes my to be good at remember- up with a big spoon. “No life a little bit more dif- ing things, right? ‘Cause but he always soup for you” he giggles, ficult, but he’s not nearly Jeff has forgotten to feed “the soup is all mine mine as bad as the monster who me dinner four times mine!” He never gives me married my mommy. this week. Mom works ignores me. ” any of it, it’s a joke with away. It’s always after tries to sell my baseball Me and Reginald go nights now, so it’s his job no punchline. he’s been drinking lots cards for soda again, I’m way back. Even in my to make me my Tyson’s I just shove a sock in his You know when your of funny soda, so he acts gonna get Reginald to baby photos you can see savory chicken nuggets. I mouth and carry on. I dad picks you up for an all dizzy. Come on Jeff, I help me out, ‘cause even him lurking in the corner. say “Jeff, it’s nugget time,” can’t shove a sock in my airplane ride, he’s sup- want to be the dizzy one! he thinks Jeff is a monster. We have a real love/hate but he always ignores me. Jeff ’s bad parenting. posed to spin you around I guess I’ll just have to get relationship, because he He only gets up when he’s Oh and Jeff ’s horrible and make you feel like silly on the soda pop. makes my life so hard, but thirsty, and that’s all the jokes! One of his favor- you’re flying. Jeff is not Reginald can keep he’s still always been there time, cause he drinks a lot ites is the “No soup for good at these. He picks drinking my apple juice for me. When I come of funny soda pop. I can’t you!” joke from Seinfeld, me up for two seconds and eating money out of home from school every work the microwave, so I which would be fine, and then drops me right my piggybank. But if Jeff Travesty Fact #281: Sharks kill just as many of us as we do them. Don’t believe their lies. •3 4-Opinion DRUGS, ROCK, AND SEX N’ ROLL! SINCE 1997 NEWS• 4 Part time student full time waste of parents’ income Josh Brenner set of analyses released the student, Farris would degree,” said Felicia, “but STAFF WRITER by his mother last spring have liked to punctuate gender studies? What indicated that Farris’s his comment with a bong interest could that pos- AUSTIN, TX — White minimum-wage salary rip.
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