STEALING BARS OF SOAP FROM PARTIES SINCE 1997 NEWS• 3 the MEME issue IN THIS ISSUE... Editor-in-Chief Joshua Brenner Managing Editor Max Friedman Yet I can’t help but think about what could Jerry is—or was—very small, and in the fetal Associate Editors Abby Hilling EDITORIAL Elizabeth Dubois have been. Two years ago, the day I turned position I can see why they mistook him for Contributing Editors Rohit Mandalapu forty-two, was the day Mary remained four the ball. After tossing him back and forth Xavier Rotnofsky I keep getting older, but they forever. I was baking cookies for my kids through chutes and pipes, dropping him off a Design Director Maryam Amjadi (and for me, since I was the birthday boy) ten-foot ladder, and slamming him through Distribution Director Vedant Peris stay the same age when little Mary tugged at my sleeve. “Daddy, a hoop, the Globetrotters took the lead and Instagram model out of work after Area man petting dog a little too Cruelty - free leather used for Social Media Director Grace Gilker where’s you get the cookies?” she asked. And my Jerry ceased to be part of the living. The forgetting password sensually bondage equipment Ruby Monette-Meadow BY FATHER WHOSE I tell her, “The oven.” Unfortunately, I forgot Globetrotters were at least kind enough to give Head Videographers Suzuka Sampson Connor McCampbell CHILDREN HAVE DIED to turn it off, but how was I supposed to know me a bunch of signed merchandise for my loss, she would crawl in looking for some sweet, so I kind of broke even. most rewarding experience of all. I appreciate Writing Staff Mac McCann rowing up, I was always told how baked goods? It at least took less time to And then there was Lou. Poor Lou. It was all the things I took for granted before Nathan Simmons difficult life would be once I became cremate her. just yesterday too. I celebrated my birthday as Cole Gerthoffer becoming a father. For example, I never knew a father, but that could not be further The next year I became another year older, he lay in his deathbed at the hospital. It was all Lee Rudder how much I would miss having a good night’s Alex Basso Gfrom the truth. Each of my three children have while my little Jerry remained seven forever. because he wanted a mountain bike. He had Grandson mourns loss of birthday Fetus dies of embarrassment after Local bully now accepting Venmo rest until I had a baby constantly waking me at checks showing up early to birthday Ben Sklar brought such In order to avoid the tragedy of the previous been asking for one for months. If I’d known Louisa Angly odd hours of the joy to my life. “I’m happy that they can year, I decided to get front row seats to the what he would end up doing, I would have Avery Wood And the best night. Now I can Kelly Smith Harlem Globetrotters. I dressed myself and given it to him right away. But instead, I saw to eat candles • I’m pretty sure Salman Rushdie mi- sleep for as long Hazel O’Neil thing about my Jerry up in matching red, white and blue it as a great opportunity to teach him about • Spraying him with pepper spray grates upstream this time of year remain forever etched in my as I want. I never Design Staff Carolina Trevino being a father striped shirts and took our seats next to the responsibility and told him that he was old Jenna Stoyanov realized how made him a lot tastier • When did white people decide to is that, even memory as the perfect angels Washington Generals bench. Seeing as this enough to buy one himself. It wasn’t until last Iman Shah important it was • Texting my dad is more than enough make bacon their new rock-n-roll? John Guttman though all three was a Harlem Globetrotters’ game, I decided week that I learned that he had decided to sell to wear a condom homoeroticism for me • The only reason I want to learn Span- Administrative Danielle Gonzalez of them are now they were.” to try heckling the Generals players. I thought his organs on the black market. Too bad he Assistants Natalie Walrath while having sex. dead, as I keep it would be harmless fun, but what followed never knew that you need at least one kidney • Is it too early to Q-drop next semes- ish is to make love to my beautiful David Williams getting older they will always stay the same Now I wear one even when I am not having Alyssa Fernandez next made me regret ever going to the game. to live. ter’s classes? wife sex. I can go out all night without worrying Kolean Gudalj age. A Generals player tried to take a swipe at me So now, I’m all alone. I miss my babies about the babysitter watching over the kids. • Any toilet is a bidet if you lean far • A strawman argument is when you Terry Huang Popular opinion tells us that a parent’s after I said his mother wasn’t fit to have given dearly, but I’m happy that they can remain • I’ve stopped drinking coffee alto- Cindy Turner greatest fear is to outlive their children. Now I can have sex with the babysitter enough angrily debate how good the Scare- Benjamin Kriss birth to even a second lieutenant. I ducked forever etched in my memory as the perfect Surprisingly enough, I found this to be the whenever I want to, rather than just after I gether—now I just stick a fork in an • When I run out of clean bras I just crow from Wizard of Oz would be in Justin Lau and he knocked my child onto the court. angels they were. Makenzie Lohman take her home. outlet each morning use the rinds of a cantaloupe bed • He’s so pro-life that his favorite sex • This girl, Amber Alert, will not stop • I’m not sure if this blister on my CONTACT Area girlfriend insists she fine, it whatever position is fetal Name: 4161/Buffalo Exchange; Width: 29p6; Depth: 5 in; Color: texting me index finger is from playing bass or PHONE 908-447-5803 THE COLONY, TX — It was early Sunday morning when, • It’s great that people are finally get- EMAIL [email protected] Black, 4161/Buffalo Exchange; Ad Number: 4161 • Hey guy, my face is up here, on top of from fingering that komodo dragon WEB www.texastravesty.com despite her boyfriend’s frequent inquiries and constant fretting ting on board, but I was scared of my skull • I really hope my history class doesn’t MAIL • UT over her silence and dismissive gestures, local girlfriend Peg Muslims way before everyone else • My parents don’t know I’m in their spoil the ending of Lincoln P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 Becker insisted that she was fine, and that it was whatever. “I guess it started last night when we were getting drinks with my • The sex was so-so, but the CPR was group sext • I don’t get why it’s bad when birds get EDITORS EMERITUS great Kevin Butler Ross Luippold friends from high school, but I kind of pretended not to notice • Groupon? Is that just a group tam- covered in oil. Now they’re water- 1997 2008-2009 until this morning,” boyfriend Rudy Carlton told reporters under • It sucks having braces, never getting Brad Butler Matt Ingebretson pon? proof 1997-2000 2009-2010 his breath while he watched Becker, his girlfriend of ten months, Ben Stroud Alyssa Peters in the living room flipping through magazines loudly. “It’s crazy 2000-2001 2010-2011 Trevor Rosen David McQuary how desperate and clingy she can make me feel just by folding her arms and looking out a 2001-2003 2011-2012 window. She’s going to make a really great mother.” At press time, Becker could be heard Todd Ross Nienkerk Katherine Swope 2003-2005 2012-2013 reorganizing dishes and silverware in the kitchen. Kristin Hillery Nick Mehendale 2005-2006 2013-2014 David Strauss Chris Gilman Area man not sure which way to swipe sister on 2006-2007 2014-2015 Veronica Hansen 2007-2008 Tinder TSM ADVERTISING AUSTIN — Adrift in a rollicking sea of conflicting Director Gerald Johnson emotions, area man John Clovis found that he was unsure Operations Manager Frank Serpas Advertising Manager Denise Twellman which way to swipe his sister on Tinder. “I know society Senior Graphic Designer Daniel Hublein traditionally frowns on this sort of thing, but I dunno, 512-471-1865 “Game of Thrones” and “19 Kids and Counting” are on TV [email protected] now. Maybe the cultural tide is shifting,” said Clovis, with SHOUT OUTZ TO... an agonized chuckle and a frigid sweat upon his brow. “I’ll Natalie’s ex-boyfriend, losing your probably end up swiping left, but what if she swiped right virginity to a flute, blue egg nat, ash tray pukes, Nancy Kerrigan, global warming, for me? I mean this would be our only way to figure out if cream run, nut, Bee Film, big ole stinky room, dank memes, jumping ping this was meant to be, right?” At press time, Clovis could be found fretting over whether the recently added ‘Superlike’ feature would change his decision. © 2015 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. LEGALESE Circulation: 25,000 The Texas Travesty is a student humor publication at the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where public figures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to any persons living or dead is coincidental. The views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect the views of , The Travesty Fact #5: The fake baby from American Sniper grew up and is now a mannequin in Macy’s •3 University of Texas at Austin, or pretty much anyone. All material printed is property on the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, reguardless of the pretty pictures. 4-Opinion 5 OUTGROWING MY BOWL HAIRCUT SINCE 1997 NEWS• 4 5• NEWS TEXAS TRAVESTY • DECEMBER 2015

Point: Love is just a clever piece of chemical trickery Brilliant physics professor struggling to turn GPA begins annual migration south Name: 4215/Pointe on Rio; Width: 29p6; Depth: 10 in; Color: Pro- cess color, 4215/Pointe on Rio; Ad Number: 4215 that originates in the brain. The deepest, on projector AUSTIN — After a thrilling excursion through mediocrity, UT student Christopher McNutt’s GPA has officially begun its annual migration south. “I stop taking notes most profound sense of longing is nothing AUSTIN — After the first twenty-seven minutes of class were spent in an ill-fated battle in, like, October, so my GPA just doesn’t have enough sustenance to survive during with classroom equipment, the entire M E 357 advanced slinky mechanics class realized more than a fabrication. the winter months,” McNutt told reporters while staring emptily into the Interactive that Dr. Ben Klor would be yet again unable to get the projector started. “Professor Klor is You don’t know what love is. Your idea of willed control over sentiments is illusory and Degree Audit webpage. “I just have to wait for it to come back in the spring, and incredible—he singlehandedly revolutionized the way we model the movement of helical naïve. You are a stupid girl to think anything you experience is more than a biological somehow it miraculously does every year.” As of press time, McNutt was seen springs down stairs,” said the class TA, while Dr. firing of neurons. I pity, nay, detest your inability to grasp such a simple concept. To put it compiling a list of all of his life ambitions he is eager to accomplish before the chilly Klor began slamming his fist upon the projector. “I simply, you don’t know what love is. winter weather settles in. really hope he gets it working today. Last Thursday Counterpoint: Is that a no on Denny’s for we had to cancel class because he’d been pressing Guy in Spanish class still asking about the tonight? the computer’s volume button instead of the power button. But today’s lecture is going to be a real dirty words Look, if you don’t want to go out with me, that’s fine. I was just making treat—just wait ‘til these kids get a taste for the conversation when I said I love Denny’s $4 Grand Slam. I seriously think LOS ANGELES — First-year Spanish student nuances of Hooke’s law!” As of press time, three you’re over analyzing things. You should just be grateful I’m still around, because Raymond Alexander continues his role as class ass with different students were debating telling Dr. Klor the fact is this is the worst conversation I’ve had in weeks. Instead of attacking my word a 52 day streak of asking his teacher the best curse that the projector wasn’t plugged in. choice why don’t you go take a fucking shower, burn that fedora, and learn some basic words in the language. “Honestly, Senorita-what’s- socialization skills. her-face needs to recognize that these words would Study shows $40k loan debt only worth two be the most useful to me when I’m talking trash with mi amigos,” spewed Alexander as he tried researching hours of studying night before test local gangs taking applications. “Senorita is always AUSTIN — Using the simple mathematical concept known as ‘ratios,’ a recent study getting mad at me for askin’ the same question over at the University of Texas at Austin shows that a $40k loan debt is only worth about and over again, but I get a laugh from my buddy Paco every time. I’m just tryin’ to take two hours of studying the night before a big test. “Everyone knows your debt is her advice to ‘take an interest in my education.’” As of press time, Alexander was seen proportional to how hard you worked in college,” said Lead Researcher Maurice Castle, trying to pick up curse words from a particularly cartel heavy episode of Breaking Bad. pointing to some detailed graphics on his laptop. “We tried using three hours or four hours for our calculations but two hours is really where you get the most value for Grandfather survives World War II so your money.” As of press time, the research lab was trying to find out how many 7/11 grandson can get liberal arts degree burritos a college tuition is worth. SANTA BARBARA, CA — Thanks to his grandfather’s heroism during World War II, Area girl eagerly refreshing likes on Facebook college junior Jimmy Jankowski is now free to pursue his dream of getting a liberal arts degree. “I like to think that grandpa’s valor was less about stopping Hitler, and more about post about dead grandmother enabling me to pursue my dreams,” said the American Studies major, who is currently Not being around enough researching Lady Gaga and how her music is shaping today’s world. “Grandpa’s bravery is SALEM, MA — Carefully containing her just crazy to me. Storming the beaches of Normandy, getting his leg blown off by a grenade, excitement, area middle schooler Stephanie and still killing dozens of Nazi soldiers. He got a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. Perhaps Howell reportedly clicked the refresh button the only person who could possibly match his gallantry is Lady Gaga, who fearlessly on her Internet Explorer web browser for the withstands attack after attack from her legions of haters.” The elder Jankowski—who has second time in the past ten seconds to see yet to figure out who or what Lady Gaga is—was last seen sitting alone in his retirement if more people had liked her post about her home, staring out the window, disappointed that his sacrifices were a complete waste. recently deceased grandmother. “I’m just, like, really sad about mee-maw being dead People on first date excited to never go out and stuff, and I just felt like it was totally necessary for me to share it with others to again let people with dead grandmas know they’re NEW YORK — After a painful first date, young singles Mandy Nelson and Todd not alone,” said Howell as she debated which O’Neill are thrilled to call it quits. “When I swiped right on Tinder, yeah, I thought pictures of her and her grandmother would get the most likes. “I know Ashley has he looked a little bit like my cousin Todd,” said Nelson, adjusting her eye patch. “It seen this post because she’s always on Facebook, so I don’t know why she hasn’t liked it wasn’t until he sat down and I saw how prematurely he was balding that I realized it yet. She’s probably just upset that this post might beat the 148 likes on her post about was my cousin! Sure, we experimented as children. But dinner and a movie just kind of Veterans Day or whatever.” At press time, Howell could be seen scrolling through the list crosses a line.” As of press time, both cousins had RSVP’d ‘no’ to Thanksgiving dinner of likes on her iPhone while her mother sobbed violently on the couch across from her. at Grandma Kathy’s.

4 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com Travesty Fact #43: The climate isn’t changing, you are • 5 6-Doubletruck Doubletruck-7

6• FEATURES FEATURES •7

6• FEATURES FEATURES •7 8 9

TEXAS TRAVESTY • DECEMBER 2015 USING CHALK ON DRY ERASE BOARDS SINCE 1997 NEWS• 8 9• NEWS ARTICLE broken.” Area women excited to fake having hobbies Area man hopes to impress nurse with his “He’s alright I guess,” said Thomas Dad ruins Thanksgiving by Cohen, the 15-year-old son of Hank, as for winter break height and weight this time he refreshed the same reddit page on his phone. “He just… He’s a guy that is just AUSTIN — Twenty-year-old UT student, Kylie Lovelace, can hardly contain her AUSTIN — Local man Corey Cody is eagerly looking forward to his doctor showing up there, you know? He’s not really horrible in excitement to fake new and relaxing hobbies of stamp collecting and gardening this appointment this afternoon, when he plans to impress the nurse with his improved aking up bright and early to overcome the crippling lameness that is any major way, which actually, now that I’m winter break, sources say. “I’d hate for anybody to know I’ll be spending all break height and weight. “I’ve filled most of my cavities with coins to increase my weight, fix up a beautifully layered being a dad in his mid forties enough to thinking about it, may be a fault. Maybe if sitting in my room watching Mushishi,” and I’m wearing five pairs of socks to look taller,” said Cody as a penny fell out of his he was just horrible he’d have some sort of three-bread stuffing, to set the have any sort of relevance in his family’s said Lovelace as she photoshopped herself mouth. “Maybe this time the nurse will tell me I’m a big boy.” As of press time, Cody Wtable with the fine china plates and crystal life. thing, some sort of personality. Right now into a Better Homes and Gardens ad. “I was last seen trying to fit a Sacajawea dollar up his nose. he mostly just listens to rock music and glassware, and to make sure the Macy’s “You know, I just love them, because, in mean, actually gardening during winter makes dinner.” Thanksgiving a lot of ways, break would be, like, tough, you know? Group chat from high school hanging on by thread Parade was they are After the Thanksgiving dinner was “He’s not really horrible in Because it’s FREEZING out. But I need PEORIA, IL — Despite countless opportunities for convenient communication, on so nobody me,” Hank served and the dishes were cleaned, the Francis Stilmore’s once tight knit high school friend group has fallen almost would miss any major way, which actually, said of his family went outside and pretended to enjoy to give my followers some sort of, like, out on their family as he a game of touch football. gesture of my outdoorsiness.” As of press entirely out of contact, except for a single group chat hanging on by a thread. “We favorite whispered “He thinks we enjoy this, so we just time, Lovelace was seen changing her used to talk about life and the mysteries of the universe and the cheat codes to our now that I’m thinking about really not the same.” floats, local “you can kind of go along with it,” said Jenny Cohen, LinkedIn profile picture to a photo of a favorite video games, but ever since college started, things have taken a turn,” said When asked whether or not they dad Hank do this” to Hank’s 23-year-old daughter, as she acted it, may be a fault.” thought they were taking their father’s love rare stamp of a bald eagle attacking a Nazi. Stilmore, who—as the one remaining active Cohen himself in like she was paying attention while her and care for granted, especially at a time member—constantly refreshes the phone in his reportedly ruined his family’s Thanksgiving an attempt to muster up the courage to father laid out an extensive play. “He’s where giving thanks is part of the holiday two-in-one wallet phone case. “I think their feast just by being there at all. According to walk into his son’s room and wake him innocent though, so we just sort of play College student on budget buying bottled spirit, Thomas and Jenny responded, in phones must be broken or something, because sources close to the family, Cohen, while up for the festivities. “What we have is an along. It’s funny, acting like you’re having unison, “No, not really.” a loving and charismatic father, just can’t irreversible bond, a love that can never be fun can almost be like having fun, but it’s water for some reason nobody responds to my conversational gold.” AUSTIN — Despite his tight budget, college student Steve Lando is still buying At press time, Stilmore had just messaged the bottled water for some reason. “I love the way filtered water tastes coming out group about whether or not anyone had seen Crying baby doesn’t even know the worst of it Area dad not sure whether to acknowledge of that plastic teat. Plus, it gives me an opportunity to recycle,” said Lando, as he the new Star Wars trailer. DALLAS — Local reports suggest that, despite his incessant squalling for at least teen daughter’s new boobs placed a framed picture of a compost pile above his hearth. “Where would the world 35 minutes now, newborn Harry Davis doesn’t know the half of it. “I mean, the kid’s be if I was drinking water out of a glass? I am saving the earth one empty water Area mom passing on racist legacy to never even read a damn newspaper,” said Davis’s father, Patrick, while distractedly LOS ANGELES — Despite the fact that he had consulted numerous sources, single bottle at a time.” At press time, Lando was seen emptying water bottles into the sleeping toddler tipping spoonfuls of Whole Foods Organic Happy Baby Mush down the child’s throat. father Greg Reynolds is unsure of the appropriate way to address his daughter’s recent . “What’s he got to complain about? All the tiny brat does is lounge in his $300 crib and breast augmentation. “I’ve been searching for tips everywhere. I borrowed every book BIRMINGHAM, AL — During her three-year-old daughter’s naptime this Monday, bawl his eyes out for no reason. You know what I saw today? A container full of Syrian in the parenting section,” sighed Reynolds, Falling flood light crushes wrong theater kid local mom Fran Norwood hoped to impart her long-held racist views to her child refugees was found in Slovenia—all dead. Asphyxiated. All of them. Jesus.” At press flipping through the local library’s copy of What IOWA CITY, IA — In the wake of a heartbreaking tragedy that caused the death of subconsciously by whispering them into her ear as she slept. “There’s no way she time, Patrick was seen vainly trying to explain modern slavery and the inequality of to Expect When You’re Expecting. “For whatever some random sound kid, the Iowa City Theater Troupe is mourning the failure of their would accept these blatantly hateful and prejudiced views through reason, so I need to neoliberal economics to the recalcitrant little shit. reason, none of the experts have any advice for attempt to get rid of a particular cast member by pushing over a floodlight. “We’re all communicate my message while she slumbers,” explained Norwood through her hood, how a father is supposed to deal with this type just trying to manage at this point,” said understudy Katie Jacobson while holding back as she welcomed her new neighbors with a burning cross in their front yard. “Twenty Single man ready to mingle, but not with her, of situation.” As of press time, Reynolds was still tears. “I just can’t believe it didn’t hit Madison Smith, whose dad just paid for her to years down the road, she’ll be writing a manifesto on her blog and she won’t even know or her unable to make eye contact or speak coherently to get this part. We’ve been trying to kill her for months.” At press time, Jacobson could why.” At press time, Norwood was leaning over her child, reciting The Adventures of his confused but now well-endowed daughter. be seen throwing away an invitation to the sound kid’s memorial service, which will be Huckleberry Finn and leaving out every word that isn’t a slur. HOUSTON — Ambivalently excited to see what’s on the market, single man held next Sunday at the local Baptist church. Jonathan Augustine is looking to talk to some girls tonight—just not to that one, or Study finds unarmed black teens less likely to that one, or any of the ones over there. “I’m finally ready to put myself out there and Grandmother refuses to blink until you ask commit crimes once shot by police Name: 4211/Bird’s Barbershop; Width: 29p6; Depth: 2.5 in; Color: start meeting some girls—not necessarily that cute one over there—she probably Black, 4211/Bird’s Barbershop; Ad Number: 4211 has a boyfriend. And I would go talk to the girl by the bar, but she’s probably not AUSTIN — Following the recent introduction of a highly controversial policing for seconds my type. I also might be a little sick,” reasoned technique, a study conducted by St. Louis Community College-Florissant Valley found OAK CLIFF, TX — During a trip to visit his Abuelita Terca, Rory Canales’ the indecisive Augustine, feeling like tonight that unarmed black teens are indeed less likely to commit crimes once they have grandmother sat him down at the dinner table and refused to blink until he asked just probably isn’t the night. “I mean if I go talk been shot by police. “We’ve had a hunch about this for quite some time,” said Officer for seconds. “I only wanted to drop off a forged will to that girl and it goes well, will she want to Guy Whitman, pausing to yank his pants up by the belt loops and hock a generous leaving her ‘64 Mustang in my name, but she already start dating me? I have to go out of town next phlegm-like loogie into a water bottle, which was doubling as a dip-spit container. had a plate of mole ready for me,” said Canales, weekend and wouldn’t be able to see her, so it’s “We experienced a lot of backlash from people calling this policy ‘vile,’ ‘atrocious,’ and scooping a spoonful of mole into his mouth. “Her probably best if I avoid that possible conflict.” ‘reminiscent of Hitler’s Germany,’ but we know it works. It’s a simple fact: the policy is coke-bottle eyeglasses were unmoving. I think I saw At press time, Augustine could be seen swiftly proven to be 100% effective.” As of press time, Whitman could be seen speeding away mothballs in her eyelashes.” At press time, Caneles averting his gaze after making accidental eye in his 2001 Ford F-150 after stealing several packs of cigarillos from a convenience finally broke and asked for seconds before throwing contact with a girl at another table. store, the confederate flag whipping in the wind behind him. the leftover mole into his pants pocket.

8 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com Travesty Fact #21: Pierced nipples were invented for babies with weak mouths •9 10 11-Classifieds

JOHN DENVER HAS BEEN DEAD SINCE 1997 NEWS• 10 11• NEWS TEXAS TRAVESTY • DECEMBER 2015 Commercial break just long enough to eat seven Man wakes up from coma to turn off alarm TACOMA, WA — After a two year coma, a patient at Beacon Valley Hospital, Filet-o-Fish Abel Hobbs, woke up to turn off an alarm on his fiancée’s cell phone before PITTSBURGH — During a particularly riveting episode of Cake Boss, avowed immediately slipping back into his coma. “That son of a bitch, I know he is McDonald’s fan Rick Humpf discovered that the second commercial break was faking it,” said Hobbs’ fiancée, Sierra Pitts, as she repeatedly punched Hobbs just long enough for him to eat seven Filet-o-Fish. “Most of these commercial in the gall bladder, looking for signs of pain in his face. “Wake up and marry breaks are just long enough for three Filet-o-Fish, or perhaps two and a side of me you piece of trash coward!” As of press time, Hobbs remains comatose and fries, or one whole McRib. Trust me, I’ve done the math,” said Humpf, picking an single. especially unsavory crumb o-fish out of his goatee. “I think I’ve either accepted my powerlessness against the capitalist machine we call television advertising or Reverse psychology major claims he totally a virgin I just can never get enough of the greasy, gooey Mickey D sandwich. Either way, CHICAGO — With a knowing wink and a sly smile, local Reverse Psychology bring on the commercials. More, more, I say.” At press time, Humpf was found major Jacob Esteban announced during his class presentation last Thursday wolfing down a truly unholy McFlurry-McGriddle combination while he waited that he was totally a virgin, and had for Property Brothers to come back on. definitely never engaged in coital acts of any sort. “I just can’t stress how much Narcissist uses self-checkout lane sex I’ve never had,” said Esteban while AUSTIN — After selecting ten hand-sized mirrors at the local CVS, narcissist mime-drawing a chastity belt over his Billy D. Dang decided to use the self-checkout lane. “Huh, this tabloid cover crotch area and throwing away the key. photo of The Sexiest Man Alive George Clooney sure reminds me of myself,” “I wouldn’t even know what to do with said Dang, his voice loud enough for the entire store to hear. “My girlfriend’s a girl, that’s how inexperienced I am.” mom just died, but did you notice I got my septum pierced?” As of press time, At press time, Esteban could be seen Dang was seen waiting for the automatic doors to close so he could check out his shrugging his shoulders while pointing reflection one more time. to his genitalia.

10 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com Travesty Fact #75: Rubbing your knees with liniment oil and crawling around some hardwood floors is a cheap slip ‘n’ slide alternative •11 11-Classifieds12-Comics

CHOOSING HARD DRUGS OVER CLOSE FRIENDSHIPS SINCE 1997 TEXAS TRAVESTY • DECEMBER 2015 A word from the Vice President... You think the meme life is easy, huh? You think you can just become a world class curator of dank memes on a whim? Well let me tell you, you dang heck. From the instant I wake up to the nanosecond before I sleep, I am memeing. I am the admin on hundreds of meme boards and meme aggregators that allow me to meme at maximum efficiency. There is not a second that goes by without me thinking about memes and dank original content. My dad used to tell me that memes are the fundamental basis of life, and I take that real frackin’ seriously. I am a dang meme machine and I bleed meme. So next time if you’re doubting my meme abilities or how hard I meme, just take a step back and think about how much more dank I am than you and how much I toil for memes. I’ll flipping end you, kid. Sincerely, Rohit Mandalapu Curator of Memes

“Ramps available for your convenience.”

News •12