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December 2015 STEALING BARS OF SOAP FROM PARTIES SINCE 1997 NEWS• 3 the MEME issue IN THIS ISSUE... Editor-in-Chief Joshua Brenner Managing Editor Max Friedman Yet I can’t help but think about what could Jerry is—or was—very small, and in the fetal Associate Editors Abby Hilling EDITORIAL Elizabeth Dubois have been. Two years ago, the day I turned position I can see why they mistook him for Contributing Editors Rohit Mandalapu forty-two, was the day Mary remained four the ball. After tossing him back and forth Xavier Rotnofsky I keep getting older, but they forever. I was baking cookies for my kids through chutes and pipes, dropping him off a Design Director Maryam Amjadi (and for me, since I was the birthday boy) ten-foot ladder, and slamming him through Distribution Director Vedant Peris stay the same age when little Mary tugged at my sleeve. “Daddy, a hoop, the Globetrotters took the lead and Instagram model out of work after Area man petting dog a little too Cruelty - free leather used for Social Media Director Grace Gilker where’s you get the cookies?” she asked. And my Jerry ceased to be part of the living. The forgetting password sensually bondage equipment Ruby Monette-Meadow BY FATHER WHOSE I tell her, “The oven.” Unfortunately, I forgot Globetrotters were at least kind enough to give Head Videographers Suzuka Sampson Connor McCampbell CHILDREN HAVE DIED to turn it off, but how was I supposed to know me a bunch of signed merchandise for my loss, she would crawl in looking for some sweet, so I kind of broke even. most rewarding experience of all. I appreciate Writing Staff Mac McCann rowing up, I was always told how baked goods? It at least took less time to And then there was Lou. Poor Lou. It was all the things I took for granted before Nathan Simmons difficult life would be once I became cremate her. just yesterday too. I celebrated my birthday as Cole Gerthoffer becoming a father. For example, I never knew a father, but that could not be further The next year I became another year older, he lay in his deathbed at the hospital. It was all Lee Rudder how much I would miss having a good night’s Alex Basso Gfrom the truth. Each of my three children have while my little Jerry remained seven forever. because he wanted a mountain bike. He had Grandson mourns loss of birthday Fetus dies of embarrassment after Local bully now accepting Venmo rest until I had a baby constantly waking me at checks showing up early to birthday Ben Sklar brought such In order to avoid the tragedy of the previous been asking for one for months. If I’d known Louisa Angly odd hours of the joy to my life. “I’m happy that they can year, I decided to get front row seats to the what he would end up doing, I would have Avery Wood And the best night. Now I can Kelly Smith Harlem Globetrotters. I dressed myself and given it to him right away. But instead, I saw to eat candles • I’m pretty sure Salman Rushdie mi- sleep for as long Hazel O’Neil thing about my Jerry up in matching red, white and blue it as a great opportunity to teach him about • Spraying him with pepper spray grates upstream this time of year remain forever etched in my as I want. I never Design Staff Carolina Trevino being a father striped shirts and took our seats next to the responsibility and told him that he was old Jenna Stoyanov realized how made him a lot tastier • When did white people decide to is that, even memory as the perfect angels Washington Generals bench. Seeing as this enough to buy one himself. It wasn’t until last Iman Shah important it was • Texting my dad is more than enough make bacon their new rock-n-roll? John Guttman though all three was a Harlem Globetrotters’ game, I decided week that I learned that he had decided to sell to wear a condom homoeroticism for me • The only reason I want to learn Span- Administrative Danielle Gonzalez of them are now they were.” to try heckling the Generals players. I thought his organs on the black market. Too bad he Assistants Natalie Walrath while having sex. dead, as I keep it would be harmless fun, but what followed never knew that you need at least one kidney • Is it too early to Q-drop next semes- ish is to make love to my beautiful David Williams getting older they will always stay the same Now I wear one even when I am not having Alyssa Fernandez next made me regret ever going to the game. to live. ter’s classes? wife sex. I can go out all night without worrying Kolean Gudalj age. A Generals player tried to take a swipe at me So now, I’m all alone. I miss my babies about the babysitter watching over the kids. • Any toilet is a bidet if you lean far • A strawman argument is when you Terry Huang Popular opinion tells us that a parent’s after I said his mother wasn’t fit to have given dearly, but I’m happy that they can remain • I’ve stopped drinking coffee alto- Cindy Turner greatest fear is to outlive their children. Now I can have sex with the babysitter enough angrily debate how good the Scare- Benjamin Kriss birth to even a second lieutenant. I ducked forever etched in my memory as the perfect Surprisingly enough, I found this to be the whenever I want to, rather than just after I gether—now I just stick a fork in an • When I run out of clean bras I just crow from Wizard of Oz would be in Justin Lau and he knocked my child onto the court. angels they were. Makenzie Lohman take her home. outlet each morning use the rinds of a cantaloupe bed • He’s so pro-life that his favorite sex • This girl, Amber Alert, will not stop • I’m not sure if this blister on my CONTACT Area girlfriend insists she fine, it whatever position is fetal Name: 4161/Buffalo Exchange; Width: 29p6; Depth: 5 in; Color: texting me index finger is from playing bass or PHONE 908-447-5803 THE COLONY, TX — It was early Sunday morning when, • It’s great that people are finally get- EMAIL [email protected] Black, 4161/Buffalo Exchange; Ad Number: 4161 • Hey guy, my face is up here, on top of from fingering that komodo dragon WEB www.texastravesty.com despite her boyfriend’s frequent inquiries and constant fretting ting on board, but I was scared of my skull • I really hope my history class doesn’t MAIL Texas Travesty • UT Austin over her silence and dismissive gestures, local girlfriend Peg Muslims way before everyone else • My parents don’t know I’m in their spoil the ending of Lincoln P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 Becker insisted that she was fine, and that it was whatever. “I guess it started last night when we were getting drinks with my • The sex was so-so, but the CPR was group sext • I don’t get why it’s bad when birds get EDITORS EMERITUS great Kevin Butler Ross Luippold friends from high school, but I kind of pretended not to notice • Groupon? Is that just a group tam- covered in oil. Now they’re water- 1997 2008-2009 until this morning,” boyfriend Rudy Carlton told reporters under • It sucks having braces, never getting Brad Butler Matt Ingebretson pon? proof 1997-2000 2009-2010 his breath while he watched Becker, his girlfriend of ten months, Ben Stroud Alyssa Peters in the living room flipping through magazines loudly. “It’s crazy 2000-2001 2010-2011 Trevor Rosen David McQuary how desperate and clingy she can make me feel just by folding her arms and looking out a 2001-2003 2011-2012 window. She’s going to make a really great mother.” At press time, Becker could be heard Todd Ross Nienkerk Katherine Swope 2003-2005 2012-2013 reorganizing dishes and silverware in the kitchen. Kristin Hillery Nick Mehendale 2005-2006 2013-2014 David Strauss Chris Gilman Area man not sure which way to swipe sister on 2006-2007 2014-2015 Veronica Hansen 2007-2008 Tinder TSM ADVERTISING AUSTIN — Adrift in a rollicking sea of conflicting Director Gerald Johnson emotions, area man John Clovis found that he was unsure Operations Manager Frank Serpas Advertising Manager Denise Twellman which way to swipe his sister on Tinder. “I know society Senior Graphic Designer Daniel Hublein traditionally frowns on this sort of thing, but I dunno, 512-471-1865 “Game of Thrones” and “19 Kids and Counting” are on TV [email protected] now. Maybe the cultural tide is shifting,” said Clovis, with SHOUT OUTZ TO... an agonized chuckle and a frigid sweat upon his brow. “I’ll Natalie’s ex-boyfriend, losing your probably end up swiping left, but what if she swiped right virginity to a flute, blue egg nat, ash tray pukes, Nancy Kerrigan, global warming, for me? I mean this would be our only way to figure out if cream run, nut, Bee Film, big ole stinky room, dank memes, jumping ping this was meant to be, right?” At press time, Clovis could be found fretting over whether the recently added ‘Superlike’ feature would change his decision. © 2015 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. LEGALESE Circulation: 25,000 The Texas Travesty is a student humor publication at the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff.
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