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Happy Hanukkah! Through, and Make Your Own Menorah! the DIE TOBY Issue KEITH in THIS ISSUE

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Happy Hanukkah! Through, and Make Your Own Menorah! the DIE TOBY Issue KEITH in THIS ISSUE 1 MAKING OILY MIRACLES SINCE 1997 DECEMBER 2017 Cut out the holes, stick your fingers Happy Hanukkah! through, and make your own menorah! the DIE TOBY issue KEITH IN THIS ISSUE... Editor-in-Chief Cole Gerthoffer Managing Editor David Higbee Williams Associate Editors Virginia Beshears Joe ‘Maryam’ Morris Design Director Kelly Smith Distribution Director Zach Morrow Social Media Director Arvind Ashok Quiet economics TA actually just suit Senator dreams of world where everyone Area bicyclist really bicyclin’ this hanging in back of classroom has equal opportunity to oppress others time Head Videographer Suzuka Sampson Writing Staff Jackson Grabois Terry Huang Ben Kelder Justin Lau Falling lone confetti piece grim portent Area cat always thought owner’s Update: Cousin still weird Aakash Saraiya Cindy Turner of Coldplay concert to come corpse would taste better Grace Gilker • Angels are just human birds. • My aunt’s Craigslist posts are Design Staff Justine Hudock • The Polar Express is, in my getting more and more disturbing Video Staff Sharmeen Somani Sadie Lidji opinion, the greatest horror • Who is the “Anonymous Steve Nick Blacklock movie ever made Buscemi” in the google doc? Cover Illustration Sonia Margolin • I bet the members of ABBA have a • Am I a cookie man or a cookie Administrative Assistants group chat monster? Max Lopez Laura Doan Sindhu Raju Zach Evans • Nick Blacklock reigns supreme at • Scott Elder (Dealer for the People) Brendan Rodriguez Andrea Fernandez Words with Friends will lead the proletariat revolt Stephen Acevedo • Maybe if everyone in the country • I’m registered to the Green Party Contact • She died as she lived: listening to can say “Happy Holidays” at once, but wouldn’t be caught dead Email: [email protected] Web: www.texastravesty.com the Fantastic Mr. Fox Soundtrack it can give the president so much voting for them Mail: Texas Travesty • UT Austin PO Box D • Austin, TX 78713 • Elephants talk about tails like we anger that he dies from the stress • The ghost of Christmas past talk about ass • In what episode of Harry Potter would probably just take me to see Shout Outz To... • In pregnancy, the mothers act as is the Yule Ball ruined by invading Meet the Fockers again Googley eyes, Chicago, ITZ vs. nips, RIP Lil Peep, OverHERD UT chefs, slowing cooking the embryo Turks? • I found the most viscous into a newborn child. • Billy Joel needed an alibi for condiment I can still gargle Editors Emeritus • I really shouldn’t have spent all my arson so badly he wrote a song • I’ve got six bags of cheese Kevin Butler Matt Ingebretson Bitcoin on molly in 2013 for it 1997 2009-2010 Brad Butler Alyssa Peters 1997-2000 2010-2011 Ben Stroud David McQuary 2000-2001 2011-2012 Trevor Rosen Katherine Swope 2001-2003 2012-2013 Todd Nienkerk Nick Mehendale 2003-2005 2013-2014 Kristin Hillery Chris Gilman 2005-2006 2014-2015 David Strauss Josh Brenner 2006-2007 2015-2016 Veronica Hansen Max Friedman 2007-2008 2016 Ross LuippoldTEXAS STUDENT MEDIAGrace Gilker 2008-2009 2017 Texas Student Texas <edia Student Media Director Gerald Johnson Operations Manager Frank Serpas Advertising Manager Emily Cohen Editions Manager Stephen Salisbury Senior Designer Amanda O’Brien PLACE AN AD TODAY! 512-471-1865 [email protected] LEGALESE The Texas Travesty is a student humor publication at the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where public ©2017 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. figures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to any persons living or dead is coincidental. The views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect the views of Texas Student Media, The University of Texas at Austin, or pretty much anyone. All material printed is property on the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, reguardless of the pretty pictures. Circulation: 4,000 PASSING OFF VINE REFERENCES AS ORIGINAL CONTENT SINCE 1997 NEWS • 3 Area dad way too excited about ordering bottle of Scientists invent less humane mousetrap for wine for table when it gets personal DALLAS — Desperate to keep his two visiting sons engaged, MOUSEKETAWNY, area dad Mark Wheeler PA — Researchers at the Get The decided to order a bottle of Bastard Company© wine for the table during the have developed family outing he guilted them a less humane into going to and reportedly version of the got shamefully enthusiastic classic mousetrap about it. “I’m just so excited for when you want to finally have both my boys a mouse to have home at the same time, and a slow, miserable I thought it’d be appropriate death. “We were to celebrate with a bottle of focused on making Olive Garden’s finest Yellow Tail,” Wheeler said as his wife, who plans on leaving him more efficient before the New Year, rolled her dead eyes in annoyance. “I remember when I was a boy, traps that put rodents out of their misery sooner,” said Nikolas Rayman, the head scientist for the company’s Center for Experimental Methods of my old man would pop open a fresh bottle of wine every time I came home to visit from De-Rodentification. “But then I had a bit of a rat problem myself. After the college. Of course, he would kill the whole bottle by himself and pass out on the kitchen motherfucker got into my bedroom peanut butter, I realized what our customers floor without saying a word to me, but I knew his intentions were good. It feels great to really want: pain. There’s no sight quite like the look in a mouse’s eyes when it be able share a similar experience with my two boys, who I know are just as proud of realizes its impending death. You think the fuckers don’t understand mortality? me as I am of them.” At press time, Wheeler was seen humiliatingly begging his sons to Use one of these babies and just listen. In the evening they’re squeaking for stick around and “burn a few stogies” in the backyard with him before going out “chasing help, but by the time the sun comes up they’re squeaking for death.” At press some skirt.” time, Rayman was last seen packing leftover mouse corpses into a pizza box. Dobie begins slowly renting more floors, rooms to Target AUSTIN — A recent financial report has revealed that Dobie Twenty21’s management is slowly but surely renting more and more of its space to the newly opened Target location, shifting their priorities away from student living. The superstore chain will initially be given access to individual rooms, but if all goes according to financial expectations, the company intends to lease entire floors en masse. “I’m pretty excited about it,” area student and Target shopper Emily Johnson said while looking over the superstore’s cheap but trendy clothing lines. “After my roommate stopped paying her bills, Target moved their fresh produce section in with me. It’s great to be able to roll out of bed to a fresh apple every morning for only $1.09.” At press time, an oversleeping student awoke to the sound of his neighboring room in chaos after a flash clearance sale on its bedspread began. Travesty Fact #456: God’s not dead, but he’s seen better days. • 3 PRETENDING TO PREFER HANDMADE CARDS SINCE 1997 NEWS• 4 Newly released CIA documents show how [redacted] LANGLEY, VA — Due to the extremely heated public debate surrounding the highly controversial investigation of ██████████████████, the United States Central Intelligence Agency has opted to release all documents that discuss the case to the public. “With a clearer idea of how we ran this operation, we’re hoping the public will understand our decision to ██████████████████ ████ ████████, and why our ██████████████████ had to ████████,” explained CIA Agent ████████, who headed this case with the help of ████████. “It was a tough call to make, but the American people deserve the truth about the ████████ budget.” As of press time, CIA Director Mike Pompeo has announced that the earlier success of Operation ███████ █████████ has convinced him of the need to topple the legitimate government of the small South American nation of ████████. Area man’s prayers too weak to make up for ineptitude of area man’s thoughts HEAVEN — After carefully considering area man Greg Jones’s prayers, God decreed Tuesday that they James Blunt, struggling to reclaim were too weak to make up for the utter incompetence displayed in Jones’ thoughts. “Jeez, I was all ready relevance, writes song about a to answer his pleas and give the world a respite from mass shootings,” said God, who was working shawty he met once on a drunk overtime to deal with the flood of prayers caused UberPool ride by Jones’ post on Facebook. “Then, I watched him daydream for 30 minutes about stopping a mass CALABASAS, CA — 12 years after the release of shooting with his own assault rifle, and decided I “You’re Beautiful,” his smash hit love song dedicated couldn’t in good conscience reward a man like this. to an unknown woman he stared at on a subway, I mean, in addition to being totally unrealistic about James Blunt wants you to know he’s “‘bout to hit the nature of gun violence in the United States, his fantasies are totally — I mean totally — derivative of 90’s the people with another panty dropper.” Reporters buddy cop movies.” At press time, God was seen exasperatedly dealing with another flood of prayers caused found Mr. Blunt in a Calabasas boutique asking an by yet another mass shooting.
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