2-Contents/Calendar 3 USING A SCRUNCHIE AS A BELT SINCE 1997 NEWS• the 3 issue IN THIS ISSUE... Editor-in-Chief Joshua Brenner TEMPLATE Managing Editor Max Friedman Associate Editors Abby Hilling 300 BCE: Drake Elizabeth Dubois 13 Billion BCE: 350,000 BCE: Drake Contributing Editors Rohit Mandalapu Drake starts from the discovers fire after discovers the clitoris for Xavier Rotnofsky bottom dropping his mixtape all womankind Design Director Maryam Amjadi Distribution Director Vedant Peris Wifi at party only one that College student only two masturba- Guy hopes girl who hasn’t texted Social Media Director Grace Gilker remembers me tion sessions away from finishing back just missing or dead Ruby Monette-Meadow ARTICLE broom or having acne. Head Videographer Suzuka Sampson While he confesses that bullies have Writing Staff Mac McCann Benched quidditch player feels stolen his wand, turned him into a rat, Nathan Simmons Cole Gerthoffer and replaced all of his clothes with Lee “Bones” Rudder like he under invisibility cloak venomous snakes, Crumbleton still keeps Connor McCampbell a stiff upper lip as well as a stiff upper Alex Basso Area man says “showtime” before Husband still faithful despite best Automatic toilet talking self into arm, as it is currently encased in a thick entering supermarket efforts making first move Ben Sklar to coach Louisa Angly cast. “Oh, this silly thing?” Crumbleton Avery Wood fter sitting out three consecutive round of butterbeer. “I show up to every remarked, pointing to his unsigned cast. the first 9 and sell her at the airport Kelly Smith games, Gryffindor player practice, every meeting, and every game, • You are a whorish child, but you are • Listening to you talk is like listening to Design Staff Hazel O’Neil “That’s just from last week when I got Carolina Trevino Simon Crumbleton feels that but she hasn’t once said my name.” smacked by one of the beaters’ clubs. I mine and I love you an audiobook on shuffle Jenna Stoyanov Ahe might as well be hiding under an Crumbleton claims that even though Iman Shah didn’t see any balls near me, but I’m sure • Take away a man’s muscles and all he’s • I wish I had a shirt from my parents Administrative John Guttman invisibility cloak whenever his coach is his childhood prepared him for being his intentions were good.” left with is a house with two kids work, but I don’t think they make shirts Assistants Danielle Gonzalez around. ignored by the people from whom he Practice is every Thursday at 4 P.M. • I hate group sex, I always end up doing in prison Natalie Walrath David Williams While craves and Simon makes sure to arrive early Alyssa Fernandez “Bullies have stolen his everything while the other members • I watch British movies through a mirror other players attention, every day as well as stay late afterward goof off so the driving doesn’t confuse me Kolean Gudalj are out there he really “mysterious voice” or “is there someone Terry Huang wand, turned him into a rat, to help clean up. However, despite all • My life is a movie that went straight to • With the $4.99 a month I’m saving with • Whenever I hold my sister’s baby, I’m Cindy Turner scoring just wishes this hard work, even his best efforts go over there?” by his coach, Crumbleton the Spotify student discount, I can buy always scared that it will grow to love Rushi Patel goals and he’d get to has vowed that if he spends one more DVD Justin Lau and replaced all of his clothes unnoticed. “It’s almost like someone casts • I thought Benghazi was a type of spa- a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor in just me Makenzie Lohman winning play in a an invisibility charm on me whenever game stuck on the bench, he will roll up ghetti 2,505,010.02 years! • For Halloween I’m going as a person trophies, with venomous snakes.” single game. I’m around my team,” he continued, his sleeves, march right up to the coach, • And I would’ve gotten away with it too • If these trees could talk, you’d realize who didn’t get invited to any parties CONTACT Crumbleton During while a crowd of people proceeded to and ask politely if he can play. “It will PHONE 908-447-5803 gets the feeling that no one even notices quidditch practice, he works his hardest, take all my strength to be so brave, but if it weren’t for Shakira’s meddling hips how unbearably anti-Semitic they are • Do you know the muffin man? Because EMAIL [email protected] walk directly into him. “But that can’t him. “For once, I just wish that she but admits it is difficult to get proper I am willing to do whatever it takes.” At • Seeing my dad with that Push Pop really • Snickers is the best treat when you want I do and he ruined my parents’ marriage WEB www.texastravesty.com be true because that only happens to the MAIL Texas Travesty • UT Austin would put me in,” said Crumbleton, training when the only one that seems to press time, Crumbleton had just failed challenged my feelings on incest to put something in your mouth that • Nothing makes me feel inadequate like unpopular kids.” P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 watching through a window of the Hog’s notice him is a Slytherin boy who only to catch the attention of an oncoming • Coming home for summer break really looks like shit holding a baseball bat next to the bare Tired of being referred to as a EDITORS EMERITUS Head as his teammates drank another mocks his mistakes, such as falling off his carriage while crossing the street. puts in perspective how bald your mom • My favorite sex position is called “the patch of skin where my genitals should Kevin Butler Ross Luippold pretzel” where I tie my girl up in a knot, 1997 2008-2009 is getting be Brad Butler Matt Ingebretson • I like Malcolm X, but I’m a bigger fan of sprinkle her with salt, dip her in cheese, 1997-2000 2009-2010 Engineer accidentally converts from meters Ben Stroud Alyssa Peters Point: Even if you are a doctor, you 2000-2001 2010-2011 Trevor Rosen David McQuary are still subject to our legal system to Presbyterianism 2001-2003 2011-2012 Look, we get it—being a doctor is a major accomplishment. The Todd Ross Nienkerk Katherine Swope HOUSTON — NASA engineer, Jason Riley, unwittingly converted from meters 2003-2005 2012-2013 amount of time and effort needed to become one is so substantial Kristin Hillery Nick Mehendale to Presbyterianism while working on plans for the company’s latest rocket, the Star 2005-2006 2013-2014 that anyone who completes it should be proud of themselves. However, David Strauss Chris Gilman Destroyer. “I think these new religious connotations concerning the mathematical 2006-2007 2014-2015 that does not make you above the law. If anything, being a doctor means Veronica Hansen makeup of our craft conflict with what 2007-2008 you should adhere to the law more closely than anyone. Practicing medicine we had in mind when we named it. TSM ADVERTISING without a license is a serious offense, and the fact that you tried to conduct Unavoidably, my conversion mishap Director Gerald Johnson brain surgery while only holding a Doctorate in Literature is baffling to say Operations Manager Frank Serpas creates an ideological schism—God Advertising Manager Denise Twellman the least. I get that the job market can be rough, but conducting an operation is a star-creator, not a star-destroyer,” Senior Graphic Designer Daniel Hublein you are completely unqualified for will not help you. Riley said while adjusting his spectacles 512-471-1865 [email protected] Counterpoint: I do not want to pay anxiously. “It’s our duty as men of reason to convert metrics of science SHOUT OUTZ TO... my bail / I cannot, will not go to jail to metrics of creationism.” As of press BEEF! Blogger Hans Beef Thorpe, the website I do not want to pay my bail / I cannot, will not go to jail Bing.com, spin the bottle, 1-800-HOT- time, other engineers were seen trying LINEBING, pharell.exe stopped working, About this I feel very strong / I know that I did nothing wrong Doritos in a takeout box, trashwine, Cheers to convert the NASA management Governor, Apothebread, Engorged Washing- Based off the given evidence / the judge gave too harsh a sentence ton, Xavery Quinnofsky, fingering the cross structure into a Saudi Arabian I only tried to cure his Lyme / Say now, how is that a crime? theocracy. So now I must go on the run / So that I can stay out in the sun © 2015 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. LEGALESE Circulation: 25,000 The Texas Travesty is a student humor publication at the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of (hopefully) humorous fiction. 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