March 2008 the S

ON THE BRINK OF CANCELLATION SINCE 1997

TEXAS TRAVESTY MARCH 2008 THE S

CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT A

BURNING BRIDGESISSUE X E T TRAVESTY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Veronica Hansen Todd Menditto Everyone’s favorite PTS worker MANAGING EDITOR Stephen Short

Texas Travesty: So Todd, what’s your eight-hour work day to putting a smile on 4, peace and quiet, douchebag DESIGN EDITORS Matt Hutcheson favorite part about being a Parking and people’s faces and tickets on their wind- sunglasses, mustaches Mark Estrada Transportation Services employee? shield. Todd Mendito: I just love riding my Turn offs: speedy drivers, ART EDITOR Chris Friend little scooter around campus and check- TT: So, what are you doin’ tonight? whippersnappers, loud rap ASSOCIATE EDITORS Ross Luippold ing to make sure people have the proper TM: Well, after getting current on all my Thejaswi Maruvada parking permits hanging neatly from their utility bills, I’m gonna go get mad pussy. music, broken CB radios, insubordination, this goddamn DISTRIBUTION rear view mirrors. Spending your entire Then I’ll probably sit down with a TV din- DIRECTOR Francisco Marin day monitoring traffi c, sitting in security ner and watch my DVR recordings of Ex- weather, holidays, happiness, WRITING STAFF Megan Jackson kiosks, and catching people with F17 per- treme Makeover: Home Edition. Oh, I casual conversation, liber- Jon Neal mits parked in the F67 lot is extremely also really need to call my mother because als, dirty uniforms, other PTS Michael Prohaska fulfi lling. It’s good to know that improper I haven’t talked to her in a while. employees, Jesus Stuart Stutzman parking procedure is “curbed” when I’m Malcolm Wardlaw on duty (laughter). Turn ons: rules, justice, Dog Neal Barenblat the Bounty Hunter, not letting DESIGN STAFF Julia Iacoviello TT: Why did you start working for the you on campus, procedure, Matty Greene PTS? one-bedroom apartments, Lesley Dixon TM: I just want to be liked, so this job The People’s Court, pussy, Alyssa Peters seemed to fi t perfectly. I go to bed each night knowing that I’ve dedicated a full Campbell’s Chunky soup, GTA Sara Shih Libby Sanders PUBLICITY STAFF Sara Nienkerk to be. • Th atp ompous know-it-all in your class probably Zak Kinnaird • Zounds! Unhand my Snickers, you mechanical doesn’t have actual friends or parents, so go easy ADMINISTRATIVE Emily Guerrero fi end! I deposited the requisite currency, now on him. ASSISTANTS shuffl e that novelty treat off its mortal coil or I • Th is year, St. Patrick’s Day has cemented its posi- Laura Ryan around Phillip Paquette shall shuffl e you off yours! tion as the preeminent saint-themed excuse to • Have you ever just wanted to swing your back- exploit stereotypes, get drunk, and hurl homo- Rachel Colson pack as hard as you can as some guy passing on phobic slurs, although it’s closely trailed by the Matt Lester campus Stephen Stecker his bicycle? ...No? ...Me neither. annual St. Luigi’s Spaghetti, Alcoholism, and • Your eff orts to fi nd the ultimate party pad for Hate Crime Convention. CONTACT • For Drag denizens, March Madness is almost next year will be hopelessly derailed with your • April Fools’ Day has been moved to the 2nd this PHONE 512-471-7898 over, but April through February Madness has discovery that the only thing worse than your year. EMAIL [email protected] yet to begin. roommate’s extensive Digimon collection is his • I’m gettin’ some real good WiFi in here, bro. • Yeah, I got the pregnancy messages — sorry, I’ve credit score. • Strangers on the E-Bus will bond when they WEB www.texastravesty.com honestly just been super busy lately. MAIL Texas Travesty • UT Austin • Th e upcoming tuition increases will NOT be come to the realization that they boned the same P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 • Liberal, white freshmen who voted for Obama funding William Powers’ second golden man- girl over spring break. have yet to overcome their fear of the Malcolm X sion and diamond-fi ltered bottled water. • Jingoistic assholes should complain about EDITORS EMERITUS Lounge. • Th e new Vanessa Hudgens movie will involve Student Government for reasons other than out- Kevin Butler Todd Nienkerk • Recent campus visits from Ron Paul and Richard 300 extras, 20 caterers, $80,000 worth of camera sourcing Student Body President jobs to Indians. 1997 2003-2005 Dawkins have proven once and for all that the Brad Butler Kristin Hillery equipment, and exactly 14,311 pounds of who • Your parents are having hot, nasty sex in your 1997-2000 2005-2006 Diggnation, when gathered, is not nearly as gives a fuck. bed right now. socially graceful or acne-free as it imagined itself Ben Stroud David Strauss 2000-2001 2006-2007 Trevor Rosen VOLUME 10 • ISSUE 5 2001-2003 LEGALESE 25 MARCH 2008 The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- 40The gossip thisacres Spring is juicier isn’t the only type411 of pie that deter- behind the Co-op after carrying it lication at the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of than the ground floor of a Fruit of the mines circumference! around for a long nine months. She (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where Loom sweat shop! Rumors are plump And speaking of filing, Accounting claims she used liposuction to lose all public figures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to and just waiting to fall off the West major Jake Glyndall seems anx- the weight, but maybe if she’d used a any persons living or dead is coincidental. The views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect Campus hearsay tree and roll down ious to increase lusty neighbor Mary different type of suction a few trimes- the views of Texas Student Publications, the University of Texas at Austin or pretty much into the gutter, along with the reputa- Swelt’s interest rate in him by offer- ters ago she wouldn’t have had the anyone. All material printed is property of the tions of a few unfortunate individuals. ing to do her taxes this April. Hopefully problem in the first place. Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, regardless of Too bad for them what happened at Jake will be able to see Mary in the As long as we’re talking about the pretty pictures. Spring Break didn’t stay there. bare market before she notices the unpleasant growths, have you seen SHOUT OUTZ TO... As long as the ‘plump’ train is still below average size of his rebate. Too Russell Bakersfield scratching him- Bennigan’s Easter dinner; Jason’s Deli without Ste- phen; fi nishing early; “Do you periodically smell at the station, it would hardly do bad for Jake though, that Mary charges self across the Forty acres recently? olives?”; Alyssa sees monkeys; diarrhea; webcams; you justice not to mention Houston- a pretty hefty in-cum tax, and too bad Apparently, the shower he skipped Apples to Apples; “That guy is drunk”; Alyssa mis- understands minorities, Offi cer Hutcheson; broken area freshman Allison Grappelson’s for Mary that the Plan B pill still isn’t after IM basketball practice kept him bed; Mike the Arsonist; Storytime with Stephen; newly increased hug diameter. tax deductible. on fire long after he left the gym. It Rachel taking this issue off; spending all day on CSI; forgetting improv; John Mayer; watching yourself Hopefully Allison’s classmates won’t On the topic of deductions, have looks like ‘ol Russell won’t get much pee; Matt getting drunk for no justifi able reason; Ross’ massive pornography collection; Stephen’s co- mind the pudge-budge she gives them you heard how Leslie Smalls lost all playing time with his girlfriend this conuts; “We couldn’t save the cat”; speech kids are as she files into middle center for lec- that weight so fast? Rumor has it she weekend unless he gets something to annoying as hell; Ross blocking Libby; pigeon shitting in the water fountain; 04/09/08: set the date; real fun ture. Looks like the irrational constant just left it screaming in the dumpster run defense down low. with bean bags; we suck at softball; The Travesty and Adam; molasses cookies; typeface lectures; “I sure CartoonsCartoons FloRossw Chart Luippold MalcolmVeronica Wardlaw Hansen CoverAlyssa Peters ThejaswiEliot SpitzerMaruvada FilmCactus Fest AdYearbook PhotosVenn Diagram dun scratched out the cornea in yer leff eye”; col- MARCHFEBRUARY ChrisChris Friend Friend AlyssaThejaswi Peters Maruvada Mark Estrada Matt Hutcheson ChrisRoss Friend Luippold MattyLibby Greene Sander lege penis; fucking Plucker’s waitress, Fritz: you’ve LeslieJulia Dixon Jiacov Libby Sanders NewsThere Calendar Will Be... Film Fest Ad ValentinesStaff Mark Estrada been shouted out; test tube babies; let the games 22 0 0 0 0 8 8 SaraCrazy Shih IVs StaffAlyssa Peters DatingMatt AdviceHutcheson Mark Estrada Photos begin; Adam is in Matt’s “Top 10”; two barely legal CenterspreadCenterspread Libby Sanders Alyssa Peters Alyssa Peters StuartDirty Stutzman Apes VarietyMatty FestGreene Ad co-eds spending the night with the band; proposi- tioning; the girl we could’ve gang-banged; Big Tex; MarkMatt Estrada Hutcheson Rejected Flashmob LibbyCareer Sanders Exploration SaraNo Shih Country... VeronicaMark EstradaHansen Matt Hutcheson NOFX; Stephen and Veronica’s corsages; crowdsurf- CREDITSCREDITS StaffChris Friend MattCover Hutcheson SaraSara Shih Shih RossMark Luippold Estrada Emily Guerrero ing; pack-it-up. © 2007 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 ON THE BRINK OF CANCELLATION SINCE 1997 NEWS • 3 Computer science major tired of hacking mainframes Thejaswi Maruvada does not allow access into his “home ford it all,” said Estrella, who goes by He continued, “But I had a Coun- been increasingly unsatisfied with ASSOCI ATE EDITOR base,” he claims his complete hack- the alias “Al Capwn-d” to keep his terstrike party in Painter, so I bailed. his work. CAMPUS — Computer science ing setup consists of CD-ROMs, an identity hidden from federal investi- Sure, he’s still trying to hunt me “I asked that chump to hack into senior and “leet” computer hacker array of megahertz, and a quick ex- gators. “Like this one time, a Russian down and break my kneecaps, but I the Barzini family’s mainframe and Alvin Estrella recently announced traction point from the Matrix. arms dealer wanted me to wardrive just digi-blocked my cybernetic pro- e-whack Don Barzini,” complained his intentions to retire from breach- “Getting all this heavy equipment into Frost Bank’s 3-D polymorphic file — and problem solved!” crime boss and former JFK airport ing computer security systems. Al- wasn’t cheap, so sometimes I have to Virtua-Web and wiki-transfer $10 Despite his computer science security officer Frankie Mancini. though every computer science stu- take on some freelance work to af- million into a Swiss bank account.” expertise, Estrella’s employers have “But the shell had to be coded in dent is highly proficient at cracking LISP, and this little bastard only databases and hijacking top-secret knew BASIC. So I said, ‘fagged- files, Estrella claims to have lost his aboudit, capisce?’” love for this highly profitable skill. Although Estrella has never raised “Sure, the life of a cyberpunk suspicion amongst law enforcement, seems glitzy and glamorous,” Estrel- he has drawn the ire of 21-year-old la said, licking Cheeto dust from his UT Information Technology Ser- fingers. “But when you’re constantly vices employee Blake Partridge due dealing with gigabytes and memory to his excessive use of DC++. chips like I am, it can get stressful.” “I’ve noticed Mr. Estrella has been Estrella continued, “Even though exceeding his bandwidth allotment,” I know how to apply fancy slide said Partridge, who wears a pocket transitions in PowerPoint, there’s protector, thick glasses and stereo- no reason to be jealous of me. Some types on his sleeve. “I don’t enjoy people are leet by nature, and some this part of my job, but I may be people are born to be noobs.” forced to e-mail Mr. Estrella a po- The renowned computer jock, litely-worded warning.” who claims to have planted a proto- Following Estrella’s insistence virus in the Hubble Space Telescope, that he is giving up hacking, he an- causing it to take high-quality nude nounced plans to complete his com- pictures of Kinsolving residents, puter science degree and sit in a cu- bicle from 9 to 5 on weekdays for the operates entirely out of his Moore- ■ Alvin l0lz @ a11 teh n00bs he r3gu14r1y pwns on w33k3nds with his 1337 h4x0r skillz Photo/Travesty Hill dorm room. Although Estrella rest of his life. University students fail to save Darfur Stephen Stecker increasing awareness of the ethnic high hopes for resolving the con- in her tight-fitting, Darfur-shaped genocide, writing Daily Texan Fir- ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT conflict have proved ineffective at flict have quickly dimmed as rape, bikini. “People — especially older ing Lines condemning the Sudanese ending the humanitarian catastro- murder and torture persists in the men — have been so generous in government for supplying the Janja- CAMPUS — Despite their diligent, phe. A bake sale held on the West region. helping save the poor Africans. I weed militia with money and assis- dedicated work, students at the Uni- Mall, Donuts for Darfur, failed to “In spite of our self-sacrificing, really can’t thank them enough for tance. Unfortunately, according to versity have failed to save Darfur. end the rampant starvation in the righteous work, the pillaging of their donations, because ‘stopping intelligence experts, Sudanese presi- Many students were initially opti- region. Darfur continues,” bemoaned Matt genocide’ is going to look amazing dent Omar Bashir does not receive mistic about the chance to bring Fink, president of the Student Anti- on my law school application.” a copy of The Daily Texan, as Bashir peace to the troubled African region “In spite of our self- Genocide Alliance as he proudly University students have also has a long history of harsh aversion following Student Government’s sacrificing, righteous donned a Save Darfur T-shirt, which tried the power of the pen to combat toward all major Texas newspapers. successes in securing funding for conveniently identifies in red where the Student Activity Center, remov- work, the pillaging of the troubled African province is ing the beverage ban at the PCL, Darfur continues,” located. “Countless hours writing and holding successful Democratic ‘Help Darfur Now’ on the Drag in elections. -Matt Fink sidewalk chalk — and for what?” “I thought to myself, ‘We’re Tex- Student organizations have expe- as, and what starts here changes “Not only am I eating a delicious rienced some success in combating the world,’” said SG foreign ambas- baked good, but I’m also helping out the rampant food shortages and in- sador Abigail Rosen, who has reg- people in need,” said freshman Eric fectious diseases, however. Student istered trademarks for Democrats Beasley on his way to his $2400-a- activists held a parking lot car wash for Darfur, Dudes for Darfur, and month West Campus luxury condo at the Taco Cabana on MLK to raise Dogs for Darfur. “It will take a lot complete with a 40-inch plasma funds for displaced Darfur refugees. of hard work and effort, but why not television and clean, running wa- The $87.13 raised by Wash Away start saving the world right here, ter. “I’ve heard things are getting Genocide will be donated towards right now — one African nation at pretty bad over there so I would do- relieving the estimated $6 billion a time? Our newly opened Darfur nate more, but I really need to save in damages resulting from the con- Affairs Division even got an office any spare cash to get this awesome flict. in the Union right next to the good iPhone car charger I really want.” “This has been such a fabulous, bathrooms.” While the number of Darfur ac- successful event,” said event coor- tivism campaigns and charity drives dinator and president of the Alpha Although Rosen continues to ■ Tho ugh these may look like ordinary men, these three gents con- be optimistic, raising money and continue to rise, student activists’ Chi Tau sorority Jaime Hampton sistently raise awareness — and da roof — for Darfur. Photo/Travesty NO ONE EVER MEANS TO RUIN EASTER. NEWS3 • 4 • NEWS TEXAS TRAVESTY • MARCH 2008 Time traveler just an inconsiderate asshole ‘Masturbation’ Matt Lester a smug grin on his face as he momen- Wikipedia entry ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT tarily activated the device to retrieve the answer key to a history test he had masturbated to AUSTIN — Business junior Mitchell Tuesday afternoon. “But I always wait ARLINGTON — Arlington High Arrington gives the impression that until I’ve seen the game, then I go back School junior Jordan Robinson mas- he couldn’t accomplish anything: He and zee-zee-McGee, I have some sweet turbated Saturday night after perus- owns mass-produced, poorly reup- cash to buy weed with.” ing the Wikipedia article detailing holstered furniture, his DVD collec- Pausing to return to the previous the history, physiology and methods tion consists only of Bruce Willis films week so he could throw his 3-year-old of autoeroticism. “I was research- and he places print advertisements for ing Crispus Attucks for history class alcoholic beverages on his bedroom neighbor’s tricycle into a tree, Arrington continued, “I don’t worry about finding a when I wondered if this site had an wall; but Arrington has invented entry on masturbation,” Robinson something Einstein could only dream parking spot on campus, either. I just set this thing to ‘this morning,’ set up some said after ensuring his parents were about — a time machine. out of earshot. “I was just curious at hazard cones in the space I want, and “It wasn’t too difficult to put togeth- first, but after seeing the full-fron- zip-zip-zaroo, I have a parking spot.” er,” admitted Arrington, brandish- tal diagrams of clitoral stimulation Despite Arrington’s enthusiasm, ing the back-massager shaped device and the helpful tips on achieving a roommate Jeff Robertson has reserva- with the phrases “last week,” “yester- powerful climax, I realized my his- day,” and “this morning” haphazardly tions toward the time machine. ■ Everyone knows that Hoverboards don’t work with Dr. Pepper — un- tory homework could probably wait.” scrawled over a plastic switch which “Yesterday, Mitch placed a banana Robinson emphasized that the chance previously indicated settings for peel along my daily jogging route, and less you got POWER!!! Photo/Travesty visit to the user-edited online ency- “slow,” “medium,” and “fast.” “There I slipped and got hit by a car,” wheezed clopedia was not without educational are still kinks to be worked out, but all Robertson within his full-body cast. “I that went horribly awry right now.” on her bed. “Ever since he made that value, as he caught a cursory glance I have to do is adjust this button and suppose he was exacting revenge for Along with Robertson, Arrington’s thing, he spends a lot of time alone in of Kant’s moral argument opposing zammo kablammo — I won’t have to when I drank his last Dr. Pepper yes- girlfriend Amanda Kiernan is also his room with it. It’s like I don’t even masturbation while ejaculating into work today because I threw away the terday, because the last thing I remem- displeased with his behavior since he matter anymore.” a tube sock. Although Robinson dis- only key to the office.” ber before taking a refreshing gulp was developed the device. Looking through her purse for cussed no further explicit plans for Along with adjusting his daily Mitch chuckling in the corner while “Mitch forgot our anniversary,” more tissues, Kiernan added, “I don’t Wikipedia-related masturbatings, he schedule, Arrington sees other advan- saying, ‘Zorb-zorb-jalorb!’” sobbed Kiernan as a bottle opener, a know how time travel operates, but I expressed desire to check the entries tages to using a time machine. Robertson added, “That jackass Naomi Campbell poster and a half- guess it works by shouting ‘zu-zu-ma- for “vagina,” “oral sex,” and “pearl “My friends and I like to place bets could be preventing JFK’s assassina- eaten string cheese poorly wrapped in goo’ while rubbing your balls with a necklace” to ensure that the pages are on baseball games,” said Arrington with tion, World War II, or my blind date newspaper instantaneously appeared back massager.” accurate and kept up-to-date.

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4 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com ON THE BRINK OF CANCELLATION SINCE 1997 EVENT • 5 don’t sell yourself short Judge you’re a aTEXAS tremendous slouch you ever see the heTRAVESTY back of a 20 dollar bill... on weed I’m just trying to be honest about being ngFILM a misanthrope FESTI VAL Joey do you like move movies about gladiators I did not achie ass what, when you buy a hat like this ieve this monday, april 28 position in me snot 8pm, union theater nosed se out in the wind air raid or it’s your ass is, accepting submissions I bet you get a oh until april 18, it’s a pretty big white plane ed turn in ﬁlms to cmc c3.200 stripes, nd wheels and it looks like a big Tylenol e feet for more info write: for 400 dol cia in [email protected] apouch t off the ball you’re Abe Froman nothing

don’tSOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW, SOMEONEsell LOST THEIRyourself VIRGINITY TO THE SONG “BLUE (DA BAshort DEE)” BY EIFFEL 65. Judge you’reEVENT •a 5 6 • NEWS TEXAS TRAVESTY • MARCH 2008 Elderly man has no idea how FOX cancels self Cesar Chavez statue actually JC Chasez HOLLYWOOD — FOX Broadcast- CAMPUS — University officials are the weathered, noble stare of Chavez, I ing Corporation, one of the leading in disbelief following the revelation saw the boyish good looks of JC Cha- he ended up in SMART car commercial television networks in Monday morning that the bronze sez.” SAN FRANCISCO — Retiree and years ago so my wife and I wouldn’t the United States with annual profits monument purporting to be civil grandfather of six, Elmer Perwitski, have to spend so much money on gas,” in the billions, canceled itself Friday rights activist and former head of the “The statute will revealed Sunday afternoon that he is Cranston explained. afternoon. The network has a history United Farm Workers, Cesar Chavez, baffled after finding himself in the pas- But Perwitski remembers things dif- of prematurely stopping production actually portrays the likeness of former be relocated next senger seat of a SMART car. ferently. on popular programs such as Family *NSYNC member JC Chasez. “What is this? Where are we go- “Where’s the backseat? Where are Guy, Firefly, Arrested Development and Latin American studies freshman Jen- to the sculpture ing?” the 84-year-old asked a quickly the kids going to sit on our road trip Futurama. nifer Finch first noticed the mix-up. of former passing fire hydrant as his son-in- to the Disney Land?” Perwitski re- When questioned on their most re- “I was walking to class through law, Phil Cranston, drove the two mained calmly befuddled until Cran- cent cancellation, FOX president Peter the West Mall and passed the statue,” Confederate home after a Whole Foods excursion ston parked the car perpendicular to Ligouri stated, “While we are critically Finch recalled. “And instead of seeing in his Mercedes-produced fuel-effi- the curb, at which point Perwitski sim- revered as the greatest broadcasting President cient vehicle. ply gazed into the distance, placed his entity in existence, our Nielsen ratings Jefferson Davis.” “Elmer couldn’t seem to remember palms on his forehead and requested were slowly declining and that’s just that I bought the SMART car a couple several cases of sharpened pencils. not profitable enough to justify our Finch quickly reported the problem continued operation.” to University president William Powers, Facebook introduces new Tube Feed application Ligouri justified his decision by who called for the immediate removal PALO ALTO, CA — The popular so- Facebook user Ryan Rodriguez as he pointing out that in recent months of the statue, on which Chasez is on an cial networking site Facebook recently connected the nasogastric tube into FOX has repeatedly slotted shows like elevated, multi-colored dance platform announced the launch of the new ‘Tube his computer. “No longer do I have to Prison Break and Terminator: The Sar- clutching a microphone. A UTPD in- Feed’ application, which delivers the spend hours logged on Facebook when ah Connor Chronicles against competi- vestigation revealed the designer of the latest information on break-ups, wall I can just sit back and ingest photo al- tive programming such as the Super- statute to be a dedicated *NSYNC fan comments and party photos directly bums featuring casual acquaintances I bowl, Democratic presidential debates, who loved the friendly, feel-good music into its users’ digestive tract. haven’t seen in four years.” 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray and of the famous 1990s pop band but de- “We want to provide the quickest The move, according to Zuckerberg, the Academy Awards red carpet pre- spised Chavez’s fiery rhetoric. possible stream of information on your is “part of a slew of cool new features show. According to a University spokes- social world,” Facebook founder Mark designed to better connect Facebook “I know it was risky to go up against person, the statute will be relocated Zuckerberg said in a press conference. with its users.” Such features include those ratings titans, and Fox suffered next to the sculpture of former Con- “This new user experience will satisfy the G-Unit project, which shares users’ the consequences,” added Ligouri from federate President Jefferson Davis users’ ferocious appetites for constant genomes with advertisers who use the his Bel Air estate. “Look on the bright who, like Chasez, was considered “the ■ Digital, digital get down! social updates.” genetic code to pass along information side,” quipped a buoyant Ligouri, “We’ll Photo/Travesty sporty one.” According to initial reports, Face- about movie discounts on Fandango as most likely release ourselves on DVD book users have caught on to the idea. well as Ass Beacon, which tracks users’ this fall, and if enough revenue comes “I love the tube feed,” said long-time bowel movements for market research. in, we’ll bring ourselves back.”

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6 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com ON THE BRINK OF CANCELLATION SINCE 1997 NEWS • 7 Obama volunteer distributes You mean, like, ironically, right? flyer to Obama volunteer The Texas Travesty’s guide to what you should like, and how. WEST MALL — Weston Banks, a pres- Ironically Seriously idential campaign volunteer for Senator Student Government elections Danny DeVito smoking a cigar Barack Obama (D-Ill.), inadvertently Vitamin C (the band) Vitamin C (the nutrient) handed an Obama campaign flyer to Chili’s The Daily Texan Fresh Prince re-runs another Obama volunteer Tuesday on Kucinich Topless Wii Third Eye Blind the West Mall. Penny Arcade Moustaches Leslie Nielsen “It’s really difficult to distinguish be- Walker, Texas Ranger Marker Felt 24-inch rims tween campaign volunteers and anyone Yacht Rock Bratz Pop Ice with a pulse on campus,” explained Will Smith Sports! Luby’s Banks as he opened several boxes of ■ Seater vests Democracy in action! Photo/Travesty Ron Paul Raptors campaign buttons. “But until I’m cer- Al Gore University statistics professor Joseph The Rock Cigarettes tain that every UT student is pledging Missy Elliot Henderson has also noticed the prolif- Hand jobs Sean Connery his or her support for Obama, Hillary’s eration of Obama volunteers receiving Panic at the Disco! Awesome Blossom cold, dead hands could still burst forth flyers from their own kind. “That’s what she said” jinx (w/ extra awesome sauce) from the ground and pull them into the “According to my statistics, over 1.3 T-Shirts with cereal Whoopee cushions seedy underbelly of a Clinton campaign characters on them million promotional materials were rally.” handed out in the West Mall just last “Hillary’s cold, dead week,” said Henderson as he carefully looked over some important charts and hands could still graphs. “According to my research, 93% burst forth from the of the Obama materials successfully ground.” prevented Hillary from gaining ground. These data also support my various oth- -Weston Banks er hypotheses and astute observations.” Bush to auction off Alaska William Seward rolls over in grave JUNEAU — Alaska, the 49th state of asset will be its martyrdom to save our the union, will be sold to the highest market.” bidder by President Bush next Saturday Bush also clarified that America’s in order to alleviate recession fears. abandonment of Alaska is a last resort, When questioned why other fund- and did not rule out re-buying the state raising techniques were not being em- when the United States gets “this whole ployed to stimulate the economy, Bush money situation together.” replied, “With my legacy at stake, my In response, Alaska governor Sarah first duty is protecting the world our Palin announced, “I’ve been unable children will inherit,” pausing to spit on to negotiate with the President, since the grave of William Seward, he added, he is apparently spending most of his “Most Americans consider Alaskans to free time perfecting his auctioneer be vaguely Canadian at best, and while voice. It’s a shame we don’t have as the Last Frontier state has many oily, many words for ‘screw you, Bush’ as oily resources to offer, its most valuable the Eskimos do for snow.” Will Ferrell to star in every sports movie LOS ANGELES — Actor Will Ferrell incorporate as many jokes about big announced a deal with studio moguls mustaches, animal fights and non se- last Wednesday that will allow him to quitur, loudly-shouted profanity?” star in every future sports movie. Ferrell, star of sports films Blades “Let me put it this way, I’m the best of Glory, Talladega Nights and Kick- sports actor in the entire universe,” ing and Screaming, hinted at cameos boisterously proclaimed Ferrell to from Jack Black, Ben Stiller and at rapturous laughter, before giving a least two Wilson brothers in planned sneak preview of Basket Glovers, a films about bowling, rugby, curling, new Adam McKay-directed Jai-Alai shuffleboard and competitive eating. comedy. After finishing his self-declared Paramount producer Joshua 9000th push-up while sporadically Church also expressed enthusiasm shrieking at an imaginary pigeon, for the announcement. Ferrell remarked: “I’ll star in any “What other box-office draws can movie — you people make me rich!”

TIDES MAY CHANGE, NATIONS MAY RISE AND FALL, BUT JOHN MCCAIN WILL ALWAYS HATE THE GOOKS. NEWS • 7 8 • [CENTERSPREAD] [CENTERSPREAD] • 9

One popular trend at South by Southwest this year was being a preten- tious hipster. These guys SXSW were everywhere! Oprah the official must have invited her viewers to grow scruffy LOOK AT HOW beards, smoke American Spirits, and disparage COOL WE ARE Jet, because snooty con- guide descention was rampant 2008 downtown. Then again, it Since the festival began in American Apparel. At The Plucking away a sloppy cover of Like was difficult to tell if these A Rolling Stone in a desperate ploy so-called “indie kids” were 1987, South by Southwest Travesty however, our for a big-time record producer’s atten- simply ironically posing attendees have always ability to print our own tion and the validation of his peers, Microsoft sponsored a party harmonies, bluesy riffs, and as extras from the Oscar- been guaranteed two press-passes guarantees this young up-and-coming musician to promote the hot new media uplifting lyrics breathed life winning Juno, since as of would later tell his Business Funda- player, the Zune. The bash was into the otherwise dull South this printing, the jury is still things — tons of great mu- us access to secret shows, out on the backlash of the mentals class that he played South by headlined by Texican sensation by Southwest lineup. The battle of the social networking mogul was backlash of the backlash. sic, and a bacchic carnival parties, and celebrities Southwest. Los Lonely Boys, whose 3-way at Paradox when Facebook creator Mark Zuck- of tight-jeaned, scruffy- you could never dream of. erburg and MySpace Tom threw down onstage. bearded pretension that So put down that Telecast- makes you want to go er, you hippie, and find out immediately and fire- out what you missed out bomb your neighborhood on this year.

The most anticipated and well-guarded event of the week, which occurred at an undisclosed location, was kept under wraps despite the most diligent efforts by hip- sters to text each other about the party. The event was headlined by none other than the Insane Clown Posse (with openers Radiohead, Sonic Youth, and REM), and featured such guests as Miley Cyrus, Han- nah Montana (who made out), Barack Obama, and Tu- pac(?!). Hot new bands were formed and dismissed within minutes, drinks cost €3 each, and the room featured a fountain of scenester tears dating to Modest Mouse’s The hierarchy of South by badges were forced to use major label debut. Southwest was best cap- separate but equal plumb- Pitchfork gave the party an tured at this 6th Street wa- ing. The water fountains 7.4 out of 10. ter fountain, where fans doubled as toilets for the without wrist bands or non-wristbanded. Austin was ﬂooded with Sidekicks and friends how much Vampire Weekend even more self-righteous liberalism as sucked and how brilliant the three-hour the city of Los Angeles piled up in a Judd Apatow Takes A Fat Dump was. Greyhound and trekked to Texas, Mac- Meanwhile, tumbleeds roll with fury on Book Airs in hand, to blog to their Cali Sunset Boulevard.

8 • [CENTERSPREAD] [CENTERSPREAD] • 9 10 • FEATURES TEXAS TRAVESTY • MARCH 2008 Name: The Messina Group-AEG Live; Width: 34p6; Depth: 11.5 in; Color: Black; Comment: Travesty; Ad Num- ber: 00031422 Corporate nuclear power plant to buy-out mom-and-pop nuclear power plant FAIRBANKS, CO — Construction of the Syntech Heavy Industries $8 billion nuclear power plant will likely force locally owned Mattingly nuclear plant into bankruptcy or vulnerable for a hostile corporate takeover. “The hope of one day having cold fusion with a warm heart is fading,” said Eugene and Deborah Mattingly, who started their family-run fis- sion power plant in 1974 with only a background in carpentry, a sack full of isotopes and the concept of “ouranium”. “When the reactor hit critical mass last year and the town had to be evacuated, who do you think invited the unexpectedly-homeless citizenry ■ over for home baked Sheppard’s pie In this 1976 photograph, the once the fallout was contained?” said Mattingly’s appear positively Eugene as he whittled a representa- radiant upon the completion of tion of beta decay. “It wasn’t Syntech, their first plant. Photo/Travesty that’s for sure.” lower their prices, however, this fis- Electricity consumers should ex- cal benefit may be coupled with re- pect cheaper power as competition gret that genetically mutated wildlife from Syntech forces Mattingly to isn’t “homegrown like it used to be.” Swimming instructor can’t wait to inject liberal politics into lesson BALTIMORE — After years of sub- Despite several parents’ com- ordination under the opinions of his plaints about Grimski’s warning superiors, newly licensed swimming that running near the pool could instructor Lionel Grimski is eagerly yield massive medical bills without anticipating expressing his leftist the support of universal health care, views to the Forestwood Recreation Grimski hopes to use his position to Center’s intermediate swimming educate his pupils. class. “When I make little jokes like call- “They might not be ready to hear ing the backstroke ‘the government’s what I think of the so-called Presi- environmental policies,’ the kids dent and his warrantless, illegal war,” might just stare, but they go home remarked Grimski, who has taught having learned a little something.” over 40 toddlers to blow bubbles in Grimski’s students were unable to the water. “But this is my class, and comment on their teacher’s methods, I’ll be damned if anyone censors my as they were busy dunking each other First Amendment rights.” and/or urinating in the public pool. Puppy named cutest puppy in existence, ever WORLD — Four-month-old Rott- ruffling of angel feathers.” weiler-pug mix Pretzel was officially When asked just what differentiat- named cutest puppy to ever exist by ed Pretzel from all the other cute pup- the Puppy Superlative Committee at a pies in the world, Krewitski stated, ceremony Sunday afternoon. “It’s that feeling of ecstasy that leaves According to world-renowned you crippled when he looks at you puppy cuteness expert and committee with those hazelnut bedroom eyes.” chairman George Krewitski, “Pretzel Fellow committee member Donna possesses all the cuteness one could Swinley mentioned that the feel of ever imagine in one tiny, furry entity.” Pretzel’s fur could only be compared The entire committee was dumb- to a romantic evening in the twilight founded at first glance with the ca- of Paris with all the succulence of nine, and immediately determined pouty lips, vanilla steamers and the that in all of the 147 years of puppy sweet tingling of grazed fingertips. investigation, they had never laid eyes When asked to comment on his on a pup who’s mere presence evoked newly bestowed honor, Pretzel ut- such magical contentment and who’s tered what could only be defined as a gentle paw-prodding “resembled the painfully adorable yap.

10 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com ON THE BRINK OF CANCELLATION SINCE 1997 FEATURES • 11 Name: Hickory Street Bar and Grill-T; Width: 22p9; Depth: 11.5 in; Color: Black; Comment: Travesty; Ad Number: 00030995

Former New York Governor ELIOT SPITZER is so horny… …he thought he was …he paid $80,000 …he pounded your the governor of Nude for a prostitute and mom last night! York! ruined his career and …he likes to put his …even Bill Clinton marriage! penis in vaginas! was like, “Damn, you …he helped the poon- …he owns a condom stupid!” tang market recover factory! from the sub prime loan …he thinks prostitution crisis! …he’s, like, a sex should be legalized! maniac! …he has more sex …he makes Wilt …he regularly than Paris Hilton! masturbates to Chamberlain look like pornography! …he doesn’t have the Pope! March Madness, he has …he was all, “sexy …his watch always says March Horniness! tiiiime! How much? I it’s sex o’clock! liiike!” …he’s had sex with …he gets morning …he has a boner. Right more women than wood at night! Rosie O’Donnell! now. …he has to cover his …his ejaculate can …he honks if he’s horny, erection with a book thatch all of the roofs in which is all the time! when he testiﬁes before Uganda! He’s always honking! Congress!

Career Exploration Center Find Your Career! 1. Can you lift 50 b) Plastic lbs? c) Yak fur (0 to 15.52) Sherpa- You have a) Yes 7. You rear end someone at a red a sheep-like personality! This b) No, but my secretary light. What do you do? makes you excellent at carrying can a) Run for it things and setting up base camps c) Only if I’ve had my Vita- b) Kill two birds with one stone: Shout for the very important business- min Water at the other driver while simultaneously men that you’ll be working for. As 2. What smell do you enjoy? shouting at someone else on your fan- long as your employers don’t an- a) Vanilla cy Bluetooth headset. ger the spirit of the mountain you b) Patchouli c) Lay fl at so your Secret Service couldn’t care less that you make c) New tires agents can protect you from the drunk next to nothing. According to the 3. You would never... guy with the suspended license. humor of Carlos Mencia, you have a) Go to sea level 8. Do or have you ever owned an magnifi cent thighs. b) Attend a Grateful Dead concert oscillating fan? c) Dream of killing the President and a) A long time ago, before the accident (15.53-28) Very Important Busi- Vice President to facilitate your ascen- b) No, you like to sweat because it nessman- You are what makes the sion to power. makes you look scarier when you fl y business world go around. You 4. Dyslexic? into a rage better buy a fancy suit and brief- a) Can’t afford to be. c) You prefer to be fanned by giant case because you’ll be in board b) oN feathers on the end of a long stick meetings and power lunches all c) Only when stressed uot. 9. How do you treat strangers? day. That eight o’clock tee-time 5. You’re at a crazy party and your a) With disdain with the client is crucial to closing the big account. secret crush is checking you out from b) Like cash piñatas across the room? What do you do?: c) Like I want to be treated! a) Reapply your lipstick, saunter across 10. What is your philosophy on life? (29- Infi nity) Speaker of the House- the room and bat those big lashes a) I’m freezing my tits off out here Pounding gavels is fun! When you b) Straighten your suit, walk over and b) Get the hell out of my offi ce! sit in the house chambers you feel hand him your résume before discuss- c) All that matters is absolute and un- the power of God fl ow through ing the current sub-prime loan crisis questionable power your own two hands. Aside from and his full Windsor tie duties relating to heading the c) Play hard to get. You’re a cool and A answers are worth one point but House and the majority political confi dent woman who doesn’t need a two on oddly numbered questions. B party, the Speaker also performs goddamn man to tell her that she can’t answers are worth three points and an administrative and procedural take a trip to Israel! extra two if you answered B three times functions, and remains the Rep- 6. Paper or Plastic? in a row. C answers are worth your resentative of his or her congres- a) Paper GPA plus the number of kids you have. sional district.

WINDOWS ARE A PAAAANE! FEATURES • 11 12 • FEATURES TEXAS TRAVESTY • MARCH 2008

Those Asking too many questions in class! Sleeping with Frank’s wife!

Apes!Apes!

Participating in insider trading! Euthanizing old people! ¡Cruzando enfrente del autobús!

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12 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com ON THE BRINK OF CANCELLATION SINCE 1997 FEATURES •13 ne thing’s for sure, everyone on campus is buzzing about the latest issue of The Cactus yearbook. It Ogoes without saying that the highlight of the year comes when the hoards of young, eager students waiting outside of the Communica- tions building finally receive their $78.52 annual filled with page after delicious page of pictures of their friends, campus events, and other things you can see on Facebook faster, cheaper, and better. People said you had finally succumbed to your inevitable obsolesence and were set to fold after this year, but they were wrong! Now, thanks to Texas Student Publications’ penchant for misguided nostalgia and political gerry- mandering, the student body is guaranteed outstanding softcore journalism for years to come. So, once again, congratulations from your friends at The Travesty.

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WHEN YOU’RE CHILLIN’ WITH YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU FEEL THE POO-POO WATER, DIARRHEA. DIARRHEA. FEATURES • 13 14 • OPINION TEXAS TRAVESTY • MARCH 2008 I’m tired of identifying all these bloodstains

Margaret Schroeder rhoids I get from sitting on these damn lab stools all day. CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR I can’t even enjoy the warmer After watching shows likeCSI or Cold weather because it seems as if plots Case, you might think it’s exciting to to frame an ex-wife for an estranged work in a forensics lab — but trust son’s decapitation just come out of me, working until 2 am to analyze the woodwork when summer rolls DNA samples from an ancient In- around. I’d love to attend a Fourth dian burial ground isn’t that thrilling of July barbeque, but I won’t get when you could be at home watching my hopes up — not when squirting reruns of Judging Amy. mustard on my hot dog will repli- When I first learned about this pro- cate blood splatter patterns from the fession in college, it seemed like a mysterious corporate murder spree great field to work in — stable hours, of 2008. nice benefits and the knowledge that And even when I do get some va- I would be helping my community. cation time, it seems like work fol- But if I have to spend another Friday lows me. Last month when I flew night tediously comparing hair fibers to Miami I spent all day at a beach to alligator-bite marks, I think I’m crime scene, wading in the crystal- going to passive-aggressively seethe blue water for aqua-evidence, test- for hours as I put on another pot of ing out malfunctioning volleyballs coffee. by the snack bar and interrogating It’s as if the serial killer that mur- Speedo-clad bodybuilders beneath tunnel syndrome you develop from dered his elementary school teacher a canopy of palm fronds — I guess filling out casework forms all night. We should really get into the with a pencil, a protractor and a ser- I just can’t get away. rated hunting knife knows he is ruin- Not to mention the seismic hemor- business of making stuff ing my social life. Even the all-too- Trey Farley need to do is get some metal, shape familiar aroma of recently digested it into a box, and then put a thing at pizza from a gaping stomach wound “I think I’m going to BUSINESS-S AVVY ENTREPENEUR the bottom that heats shit up. I have reminds me of a romantic Italian passive-aggressively seethe for like twelve lighters in my room that dinner that I’m missing out on. Guys, it’s no secret we need a little we could probably duct tape together But it’s not just my love life that hours as I put on another pot extra cash. I just lost my job for steal- to make a heating apparatus. Voila takes a dive by working this late; one ing from Dollar Tree, and let’s face it, — oven! Next. of the finer details they fail to men- of coffee.” the band isn’t taking off the way we Hell, if we got really good, we tion on those TV shows is the carpal thought it would. Sure, Jake is bring- wouldn’t even have to pay rent any- ing in some dough from the sperm more. I’ve seen construction work- bank, but we really ers build houses be- Name: University Village / Crossing; Width: 34p6; Depth: 5 in; Color: Black; Comment: Travesty; Ad Number: 00030779 need to get some fore, and it doesn’t more income if we look hard at all. We want to buy that just need to get some life-sized Darth Va- pipes, hook them up der statue, or that to some water, and Malaysian porn then get a bunch of we saw at that strip bricks and build the mall that one time. house. It might be To live the life we kind of a bitch to put want, we need to in fans and lights and start investing in stuff, but as long as something new. we have enough light My proposal? bulbs, I don’t foresee We start our own business of mak- any problem — it’s foolproof. ing shit. We could even bypass moving I’m surprised we haven’t thought of furniture by building it right inside this before. People have tons of crap the house. I guess we could always in their houses: chairs, couches, re- build a helicopter to fly in the beds frigerators, cups, bongs, forks, iP- and stuff before we put the roof on ods, chairs — the works. And we’re the the house, but I don’t want to get just sitting around with our thumbs ahead of myself. up our asses, not capitalizing on the Man, everyone in high school simple fact that all this stuff was made thought we weren’t going to make by dudes just like us. All we need is anything of ourselves. While they’re some wood, some metal, a saw, and out there getting their fancy de- some other stuff, and people will buy grees and sucking The Man’s dick, what we make. No problemo. we’ll be living the good life with Of course, it won’t be easy at first. fat wallets. We’ll probably have to Some stuff will be really hard to make, work at least six or seven hours a like cars and TVs. That’s why we need day building stuff, but once we get to start simple. For instance, an oven the word out, there’s no stopping would be pretty easy to make. All we our new business.

14 • OPINION www.texastravesty.com ON THE BRINK OF CANCELLATION SINCE 1997 OPINION • 15

child is living in a free, sovereign to help you with your problem. You I don’t know who I am anymore country with no tyrannical regimes, need to get out of this career. You nucular proliferizing, or “laaasers.” need to get off TBS and get yourself a Frank Caliendo self because my life has no meaning. Heh heh. little T-L-C from your family. Frank IMPRESSIONIST What was that? You talkin’ to me? — you’re just a few fries short of a EXTRAORDINAIRE Somebody help me. Please. You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell Happy Meal. You’re one taco short I’ve been in the business of profes- But since my presidency is almost you talkin’ to? I’m the only one here, of a combination plate. The lights are sional football a long time and when over, I need to … configurate a … you filthy scab. Are you bein’ a wise- on, but no one is home. You under- I say I’ve been in the business a long satisfactuatory plan on how to win guy with me? I’ll come over there and stand what I’m telling you? You came time I mean I’ve been in the business the War on Terror before the Demo- break your legs. Yabba dabba doo! on my show to get a fresh start on longer than I’ve done other things crats … usurpate the White House. things. So get out there, and stop be- you know what I mean I was a coach A buncha people think that I haven’t ing a soulless corporate shell of man back in the day and then I retired been going about things the right “Yabba dabba who lives entirely off the identities of and then BOOM there I was in the way. They think I’m not as … intel- celebrities! broadcast booth doing broadcast lectuafied as them fancy Northern doo!” My children hate me, my wife’s things and broadcasting Brett Favre’s folks. Well I’ve got news for ‘em. I’m I really need therapy. Badly. games and I love watching Brett Fa- just shagadellic baby, yeeeeah! And I sleeping with Darrell Hammond, and vre because he’s been playing so great plan on fulfilling my duties as Presi- As a syndicated daytime psycholo- I’m incapable of developing personal for so many years and then WHAM dent and completing our mission in gist, I see situations like yours pop up relationships with others. My life is he retired and now I want to kill my- Iraq so that every man, woman and like chiggers in August. I know how turrble, Ernie — just turrble.

ERRBODY IN THE EXTRACURRICULAR CLUB GETTIN’ TIPSY. OPINION • 15 RECONSIDERING THE RELATIONSHIP SINCE 1997 PAID ADVERTISEMENT • 2 Name: Castilian, The; Width: 58p0; Depth: 11.5 in; Color: Black plus one; Comment: Travesty-BACK PAGE-4Color; Ad Number: 00027643

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