ON THE BRINK OF CANCELLATION SINCE 1997 TEXAS TRAVESTY MARCH 2008 THE S CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT A BURNING BRIDGESISSUE X E T TRAVESTY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Veronica Hansen Todd Menditto Everyone’s favorite PTS worker MANAGING EDITOR Stephen Short Texas Travesty: So Todd, what’s your eight-hour work day to putting a smile on 4, peace and quiet, douchebag DESIGN EDITORS Matt Hutcheson favorite part about being a Parking and people’s faces and tickets on their wind- sunglasses, mustaches Mark Estrada Transportation Services employee? shield. Todd Mendito: I just love riding my Turn offs: speedy drivers, ART EDITOR Chris Friend little scooter around campus and check- TT: So, what are you doin’ tonight? whippersnappers, loud rap ASSOCIATE EDITORS Ross Luippold ing to make sure people have the proper TM: Well, after getting current on all my Thejaswi Maruvada parking permits hanging neatly from their utility bills, I’m gonna go get mad pussy. music, broken CB radios, insubordination, this goddamn DISTRIBUTION rear view mirrors. Spending your entire Then I’ll probably sit down with a TV din- DIRECTOR Francisco Marin day monitoring traffi c, sitting in security ner and watch my DVR recordings of Ex- weather, holidays, happiness, WRITING STAFF Megan Jackson kiosks, and catching people with F17 per- treme Makeover: Home Edition. Oh, I casual conversation, liber- Jon Neal mits parked in the F67 lot is extremely also really need to call my mother because als, dirty uniforms, other PTS Michael Prohaska fulfi lling. It’s good to know that improper I haven’t talked to her in a while. employees, Jesus Stuart Stutzman parking procedure is “curbed” when I’m Malcolm Wardlaw on duty (laughter). Turn ons: rules, justice, Dog Neal Barenblat the Bounty Hunter, not letting DESIGN STAFF Julia Iacoviello TT: Why did you start working for the you on campus, procedure, Matty Greene PTS? one-bedroom apartments, Lesley Dixon TM: I just want to be liked, so this job The People’s Court, pussy, Alyssa Peters seemed to fi t perfectly. I go to bed each night knowing that I’ve dedicated a full Campbell’s Chunky soup, GTA Sara Shih Libby Sanders PUBLICITY STAFF Sara Nienkerk to be. • Th atp ompous know-it-all in your class probably Zak Kinnaird • Zounds! Unhand my Snickers, you mechanical doesn’t have actual friends or parents, so go easy ADMINISTRATIVE Emily Guerrero fi end! I deposited the requisite currency, now on him. ASSISTANTS shuffl e that novelty treat off its mortal coil or I • Th is year, St. Patrick’s Day has cemented its posi- Laura Ryan around Phillip Paquette shall shuffl e you off yours! tion as the preeminent saint-themed excuse to • Have you ever just wanted to swing your back- exploit stereotypes, get drunk, and hurl homo- Rachel Colson pack as hard as you can as some guy passing on phobic slurs, although it’s closely trailed by the Matt Lester campus Stephen Stecker his bicycle? ...No? ...Me neither. annual St. Luigi’s Spaghetti, Alcoholism, and • Your eff orts to fi nd the ultimate party pad for Hate Crime Convention. CONTACT • For Drag denizens, March Madness is almost next year will be hopelessly derailed with your • April Fools’ Day has been moved to the 2nd this PHONE 512-471-7898 over, but April through February Madness has discovery that the only thing worse than your year. EMAIL [email protected] yet to begin. roommate’s extensive Digimon collection is his • I’m gettin’ some real good WiFi in here, bro. • Yeah, I got the pregnancy messages — sorry, I’ve credit score. • Strangers on the E-Bus will bond when they WEB www.texastravesty.com honestly just been super busy lately. MAIL Texas Travesty • UT Austin • Th e upcoming tuition increases will NOT be come to the realization that they boned the same P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 • Liberal, white freshmen who voted for Obama funding William Powers’ second golden man- girl over spring break. have yet to overcome their fear of the Malcolm X sion and diamond-fi ltered bottled water. • Jingoistic assholes should complain about EDITORS EMERITUS Lounge. • Th e new Vanessa Hudgens movie will involve Student Government for reasons other than out- Kevin Butler Todd Nienkerk • Recent campus visits from Ron Paul and Richard 300 extras, 20 caterers, $80,000 worth of camera sourcing Student Body President jobs to Indians. 1997 2003-2005 Dawkins have proven once and for all that the Brad Butler Kristin Hillery equipment, and exactly 14,311 pounds of who • Your parents are having hot, nasty sex in your 1997-2000 2005-2006 Diggnation, when gathered, is not nearly as gives a fuck. bed right now. socially graceful or acne-free as it imagined itself Ben Stroud David Strauss 2000-2001 2006-2007 Trevor Rosen VOLUME 10 • ISSUE 5 2001-2003 LEGALESE 25 MARCH 2008 The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- 40The gossip thisacres Spring is juicier isn’t the only type411 of pie that deter- behind the Co-op after carrying it lication at the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of than the ground floor of a Fruit of the mines circumference! around for a long nine months. She (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where Loom sweat shop! Rumors are plump And speaking of filing, Accounting claims she used liposuction to lose all public figures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to and just waiting to fall off the West major Jake Glyndall seems anx- the weight, but maybe if she’d used a any persons living or dead is coincidental. The views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect Campus hearsay tree and roll down ious to increase lusty neighbor Mary different type of suction a few trimes- the views of Texas Student Publications, the University of Texas at Austin or pretty much into the gutter, along with the reputa- Swelt’s interest rate in him by offer- ters ago she wouldn’t have had the anyone. All material printed is property of the tions of a few unfortunate individuals. ing to do her taxes this April. Hopefully problem in the first place. Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, regardless of Too bad for them what happened at Jake will be able to see Mary in the As long as we’re talking about the pretty pictures. Spring Break didn’t stay there. bare market before she notices the unpleasant growths, have you seen SHOUT OUTZ TO... As long as the ‘plump’ train is still below average size of his rebate. Too Russell Bakersfield scratching him- Bennigan’s Easter dinner; Jason’s Deli without Ste- phen; fi nishing early; “Do you periodically smell at the station, it would hardly do bad for Jake though, that Mary charges self across the Forty acres recently? olives?”; Alyssa sees monkeys; diarrhea; webcams; you justice not to mention Houston- a pretty hefty in-cum tax, and too bad Apparently, the shower he skipped Apples to Apples; “That guy is drunk”; Alyssa mis- understands minorities, Offi cer Hutcheson; broken area freshman Allison Grappelson’s for Mary that the Plan B pill still isn’t after IM basketball practice kept him bed; Mike the Arsonist; Storytime with Stephen; newly increased hug diameter. tax deductible. on fire long after he left the gym. It Rachel taking this issue off; spending all day on CSI; forgetting improv; John Mayer; watching yourself Hopefully Allison’s classmates won’t On the topic of deductions, have looks like ‘ol Russell won’t get much pee; Matt getting drunk for no justifi able reason; Ross’ massive pornography collection; Stephen’s co- mind the pudge-budge she gives them you heard how Leslie Smalls lost all playing time with his girlfriend this conuts; “We couldn’t save the cat”; speech kids are as she files into middle center for lec- that weight so fast? Rumor has it she weekend unless he gets something to annoying as hell; Ross blocking Libby; pigeon shitting in the water fountain; 04/09/08: set the date; real fun ture. Looks like the irrational constant just left it screaming in the dumpster run defense down low. with bean bags; we suck at softball; The Travesty and Adam; molasses cookies; typeface lectures; “I sure CartoonsCartoons FloRossw Chart Luippold MalcolmVeronica Wardlaw Hansen CoverAlyssa Peters ThejaswiEliot SpitzerMaruvada FilmCactus Fest AdYearbook PhotosVenn Diagram dun scratched out the cornea in yer leff eye”; col- MARCHFEBRUARY ChrisChris Friend Friend AlyssaThejaswi Peters Maruvada Mark Estrada Matt Hutcheson ChrisRoss Friend Luippold MattyLibby Greene Sander lege penis; fucking Plucker’s waitress, Fritz: you’ve LeslieJulia Dixon Jiacov Libby Sanders NewsThere Calendar Will Be... Film Fest Ad ValentinesStaff Mark Estrada been shouted out; test tube babies; let the games 22 0 0 0 0 8 8 SaraCrazy Shih IVs StaffAlyssa Peters DatingMatt AdviceHutcheson Mark Estrada Photos begin; Adam is in Matt’s “Top 10”; two barely legal CenterspreadCenterspread Libby Sanders Alyssa Peters Alyssa Peters StuartDirty Stutzman Apes VarietyMatty FestGreene Ad co-eds spending the night with the band; proposi- tioning; the girl we could’ve gang-banged; Big Tex; MarkMatt Estrada Hutcheson Rejected Flashmob LibbyCareer Sanders Exploration SaraNo Shih Country... VeronicaMark EstradaHansen Matt Hutcheson NOFX; Stephen and Veronica’s corsages; crowdsurf- CREDITSCREDITS StaffChris Friend MattCover Hutcheson SaraSara Shih Shih RossMark Luippold Estrada Emily Guerrero ing; pack-it-up. © 2007 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 ON THE BRINK OF CANCELLATION SINCE 1997 NEWS • 3 Computer science major tired of hacking mainframes Thejaswi Maruvada does not allow access into his “home ford it all,” said Estrella, who goes by He continued, “But I had a Coun- been increasingly unsatisfied with ASSOCI ATE EDITOR base,” he claims his complete hack- the alias “Al Capwn-d” to keep his terstrike party in Painter, so I bailed.