fordhamthe university’s journalpaper of news, analysis, comment and review november 17, 2011 Volume XXXIX, issue ix page 2 the paper november 17, 2010

the paper obtained this exclusive footage, showing the GOP takeover of the House in action.

Shit.

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Casarella, Outer Space, Katie Levitt, Inner Space, Jake Sanders, Angelos Kontos, Old Media, New Media, Mixed Media november 17, 2010 the paper page 3 news Elections 2010: Democrats Apparently Got Lost on the Way to the Polls Sixty House seats go to Republicans, conservatism prevails despite the numerous incumbent Dems by Marisa Carroll west to the Northeast. Most sur- tory: he was part of the team in highly-publicized races. Vo- is not our governor, thanks to FEATURES EDITOR prising is that even though mil- that constructed the Contract cal bigots Sharron Angle and the gods and you, if you voted his past election day, revo- lions upon millions were poured with America in 1994. The Christine O’Donnell both lost in New York. Sarah-Palin- Tlution shook Congress’s raf- into the campaign, a rash of Contract with America was a their races, hopefully prevent- endorsed Nikki Haley won in ters. Tired of health care disas- little-known candidates, many document released during Bill ing Angle from telling any more South Carolina, which presents ters, public education failures, of them Tea Partiers, defeated Clinton’s fi rst midterm election schoolchildren not to worry, the mixed bag of a woman of and trillions of dollars reaping stalwart Democrat incumbents. that melded conservative think- that they don’t look that Latino. color wielding political power little reward in Afghanistan Fourteenth-term incumbent tank the Heritage Foundation’s On the other, more soul-crush- (Good!) yet proposing policies and Iraq, we rallied as Ameri- Rich Boucher of Virginia was theory with Reaganite rhetoric. ing hand, AZ 1070 supporter, that victimize immigrants and cans. We showed our leaders defeated by Morgan Griffi th, The result was a House fl ip very living wage opponent, and cli- women alike (Boo!). that we believe in them and we former repre- mate change de- Despite the victories of believe in our country, but we sentative of nier Kelly Ayo- those who fi nd immigrants to- also let them know that we need Virginia’s 8th tte prevailed in tally scary, poor people totally change. The People’s voice rose who rallies for New Hampshire. lazy, and would rather let BP from sea to shining sea, with a constitutional Tea Partier Ron leaders reward their failures enough young adults showing amendment that Johnson defeated then set aside money for health up at their polling places to put says marriage is incumbent Russ care or public schools, a few en- the 2008 presidential election to between a man Feingold in a sur- couraging trends emerged this shame. Yes we did on Novem- and a woman. prise turnout in month. A record number of LG- ber 2nd, yes we did. Oil tycoon and Wisconsin; John- BTQ candidates were elected Well, that is, yes we did if proclaimed “reg- son’s claims to to offi ces from the Congress to we are all members of the Tea ular guy” Bill fame include sup- statehouses and city halls. One Party. Or if we are all billion- Flores defeated porting off-shore of those candidates is Jim Grey. aires or lobbyists or virulently seventeenth- drilling in the Despite Rand Paul’s possession anti-LGBTQ, anti-woman hate- term incumbent Great Lakes and of a Kentucky Senate seat, the mongers who sit on our porches Chet Edwards in getting all “Hey openly gay Grey is the mayor- and reminisce on the good old Texas. Notably why are you guys elect of Lexington, presenting days of Jim Crow. We did it, for those of us being so jerky to hope for the state’s underrep- guys! who think state- BP?” before re- resented citizens. Additionally, But let’s not get ahead of ments like: “Our vealing that he Rhode Island’s David Cicilline ourselves. First, let us acknowl- children…are once owned more is now the fourth openly gay edge that the Democrats weren’t the prize for [the than a hundred member of Congress. exactly wielding progressive gay] community, thousand dollars So now we welcome the change in Congress. Taking a they are specifi - of BP stock. Mar- onslaught of conservatives’ look at Stupak or any other re- cally targeting co Rubio won “We’ve taken our country cent votes refl ects stunted party our children,” Mel Gibson is very happy with the his Florida seat, back!” rhetoric and hard-swal- cooperation and a failure to act are absolutely midterm election results. Are you? and integration- low the 2010 midterm results. on behalf of the public’s needs. unacceptable ex- opponent Rand We also must determine where What’s more, a sizeable por- pressions of ha- Paul prevailed in to go from here. After running tion of Democrats who were tred, incumbent Kentucky. Utah’s on a campaign of “What has replaced by Republicans were and Tea Party leader Michele similar to this one—it occurred Mike Lee replaced long-time Obama done for you?” the GOP conservatives themselves. Bachmann won her race in Min- during the fi rst midterm election Republican incumbent Bob majority can now actually pre- Precedence established, nesota. of a Democrat president, infl u- Bennett; he pledges to repeal vent Obama from implementing we can look to the area where Republican control of the enced both dramatic change in the constitutional amendment improvements as opposed to the most major changeover oc- House has pushed Ohio Repre- the House and some change in that grants citizenship to immi- just propagating that he has not. curred: The House of Repre- sentative John Boehner into the the Senate and governorships, grant’s children during his term. Barack Obama received sixty- sentatives. Following the most Speaker role. The man about and represented conservative Most alarming, we the people of four million votes in 2008, and, expensive midterm election whom The New York Times theory igniting voters (even in the United States are now rep- even if twenty million of those campaign in our nation’s his- wrote: “Dean Martin comes to 2010, although exit polls re- resented by zero black Senators. were undecided before they tory, 60 seats turned from blue Congress” in 2006, Boehner is fl ected that just 23% voted to (Insert joke about how post- voted, that leaves at least forty to red, bringing the Republicans a tan, free-market-and-salm- show their support for the Tea racial 2010 American society is million Obama supporters. And to 239 seats and a solid major- on-polo-shirt-enthusiast who Party movement). here.) so the questions remain: Where ity. Voters turned out to express has been minority leader since In the Senate, the Democrats The GOP also made minor were they this November, and dissatisfaction with Obama and 2007. This isn’t Boehner’s fi rst lost 6 seats but maintained their gains in governorships, paint- will the 2010 shock urge them the Democrats from the West time catapulting the minority- grasp on the majority while the ing seven states red on Novem- to vote in 2012? Coast to the South to the Mid- Republicans into majority vic- Tea Party reaped mixed results ber 2. Ass-clown Carl Paladino editorials arts features comix in this Louis CK Comedy A Response to Feminists the paper’s guide to cheap FLUFFERNUTTERS, p.24 for Life Ad in the Ram, p.9 Special, p.17 issue: eats! p.20 page 4 the paper november 17, 2010 Sometimes an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Is Really a Phallic Projection of the Media's Subconscious by Sean Kelly listic missile. Since the airing of the foot- rating (a sort of risk assessment as the footage was captured) is EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR On November 8th, Los An- age, the Pentagon and the Navy based on the likelihood that a fl ying straight towards the ob- The Internet loves a good geles news station KCBS-TV’s have failed to offer a prompt re- particular nation will default server, the dissipated vapor trail conspiracy theory just about Sky 2 helicopter captured foot- sponse explaining the phenom- on its loans) in a rather strongly miles back (which widened due as much as it loves a celebrity age of a mysterious object soar- enon. In the brief lull, theories worded report, the story main- to winds) appears wider, as if nipple slip, and for many of ing skyward from the ocean explaining the object have been tains that China launched the the plane was ascending verti- the same reasons. Bloggers approximately 35 miles off of springing up all over. Most missile to send a message akin cally. Second, the contrail is and truth diggers often see un- the coast. The video shows a speculate that it was either a to a mafi a loan shark showing actually comprised of two trails, explained events and potential large, long vapor trail ascending missile test that the navy failed up at your house with a baseball one from each engine. Aviation government cover-ups as the at what appears to be a vertical to properly announce or some bat. science (and, more importantly, proverbial stray tit type of atmospheric However titillating these ex- common sense) dictates that of the national mass monitoring device planations may be, the reality of if it were indeed a missile, we media machine—a launched by a private the situation appears to be far would see a much more con- quick candid peek company. However, less interesting than Alex Jones densed trail. into something that is the net’s most ag- or his adherents may have us All squabbling aside, the meant to be seen only gressive whistle- believe. While theories that the way in which theories surround- by a select few and blowers are pointing object in question is in fact an ing the footage developed is hidden from the public fi ngers at China. airplane contrail may seem like somewhat fascinating to ob- eye. When something Perhaps the most a half-baked platitude in com- serve. The combination of a tar- with even the small- paranoid theory sur- parison to the engaging interna- dy response from the Pentagon, News titans all feed from the rounding the footage tional clusterfuck theories prop- a short video clip and the open est grain of surrepti- same trough. It’s a metaphor. tious character worms began with a post on agated by online conspiracy information-sharing capabili- its way through the CNN’s iReport web- nuts that are currently fl owing ties afforded to us by twitter and comment threads and twitter angle from the horizon, with a site, a news forum where users through social media and news anonymous news forums creat- feeds of America’s conspiracy fl ashing point at the apex that can submit stories and opinions. forums, it looks like those brac- ed a whirlwind effect that spun watchdogs, the collective online many are claiming is thrust from The post, likely submitted by ing for WWIII are in for a dis- a rather unimportant story out masses simultaneously feed off a missile. KCBS reported that an amateur user (and clearly la- appointment. A little research of control. What truly pushed of it and regurgitate it, repeating the trail triggered calls to the beled at the top as NOT vetted on the physics of jet contrails the frenzy over the edge was the the cycle until all of the specula- Coast Guard and Navy regard- by CNN), was a nearly verbatim yielded some interesting results. attachment of the name “CNN” tive vomit is collected into one ing its presence, to which both repost of a story that appeared First, there is the issue of the ap- to the story. Had the text that giant trough and becomes the organizations offered baffl ed on notorious conspiracy fanatic parent vertical angle of ascen- appeared on CNN been seen as new food source. responses. Former Secretary of radio host Alex Jones’ Infowars sion. Though it appears the ob- widely in its original context, it Thus is the situation this Defense Robert Ellsworth ap- website. The story claims that ject is coming straight from the would have been promptly dis- week across the series of tubes peared on the station and fed the the object seen in the footage ocean, a closer look reveals that missed by anyone who knows we call the Internet. The tit: a nascent fl ames of conspiracy by was a missile launched from a this illusion is caused by the ho- Alex Jones’ stances on world af- missile-like object supposedly stating that it indeed appeared to Chinese submarine as a show rizon, which is about three miles fairs. However, a trusted media launched off the coast of South- be an intercontinental ballistic of force in response to the US’s at sea level. Since the plane outlet tag seems to be enough to ern California; the puke trough: missile fi red from a submarine, current debt to China. Citing (AWS Flight #808, which had validate any story in the eyes of engaging theories ranging from possibly as a show of military evidence that China’s leading the exact same fl ight path as the many, whether or not the mate- alien spacecraft to submarine- force towards Asia (China, in credit agency Dagong recently contrail suggested and fl ew over rial has been touched by editors launched intercontinental bal- particular). lowered the US’s sovereign debt Los Angeles at the same time or news teams. NEVERMIND THE BOLLOCKS. HERE’s THE STUDENT RIOTS by Sam Wadhams Throughout the day of the riot, proper brassed off by this, and Liberal Democrats and Deputy began to let the several hundred STAFF COCKNEY Labour (maybe you’d be the until wa’ve managed to bala- Prime Minister of the UK, were protestors sequestered in front TRANSLATOR majority if you could spell ‘La- nace oure national budget, burnt while the mob cheered. A of Millbank Tower out in ones While the global economic bor’) MPs were live tweeting se’’le the h’economic recessian, veteran of the Leftist anarchist and twos. recession has taken obvious tolls things like, “It’s a beautiful day h’address the shottage of taech- group Class War, which has a Although the offi cial stance on our jobs and cost of living, it to kick some ass.” “Well done ers h’and h’attempt to se’’le oure history of violent skirmishes is that police presence was has so far avoided making too bru’al with the police, was spotted minimal because the powers big an impact on our education- linger- along with a number of animal that be underestimated the size al system. This is not the case ing rights activists (who were ap- and ‘passion’ of the protesters, for our neighbors in the UK, clonial parently lost?). Thirty-fi ve dem- there are rumblings in the Brit- who have just seen the newly legacy, onstrators were arrested, and ish press that police intention- elected Conservative-Liberal ware 14 casualties (including seven ally understaffed the protest due Democrat parliament raise tu- going police offi cers) were taken to to resentment about shrinking ition by 40% while simultane- to taike the hospital. The demonstration police budgets and overtime ously cutting funding. Because to the did begin peacefully, though. A pay. Additionally, the march this by any measure stinks like strates group of students, lecturers, and had been publicized for weeks, butts, 50,000 students took to and supporters (including at least on and still Scotland Yard only ap- the streets on November 10th, “OI! OI! OI!” kape Liberal Democrat MP) began pointed 225 offi cers to hold off near the Conservative Party get- with a march from Whitehall 50,000 protestors, apparently as headquarters in Westminster, to ting’ past Downing Street and Parlia- their own form of protest.This protest. our students, thousands outside mullered until we’re arse over ment. It didn’t turn violent until means that pretty much fucking Like all good protests, it the offi ce getting stuck into the tit ‘an causin’ panic on the demonstrators were halted out- everyone hates the Tories. The eventually devolved into a riot, Lib Dem/Tory government over strates of London’ loike if Chel- side Millbank Tower, the home Conservative Party’s power in as students smashed windows tuition fees.” We at the paper, sea blew it on the pitch.” to Tory Headquarters. There this parliament is unusual, as the and vandalized the Conserva- as the intrepid newsgatherers It was allegedly supposed were only 20 offi cers lining that current majority party is a coali- tive Party headquarters, broke we are, have made contact with to be a peaceful protest, with particular route, and were thus tion of Conservative and Liberal into the building and began one of the rioters, Clegg Rotten- students exercising their right forced to watch helplessly as Democrats. The margin is small hurling detritus (including a bottum (pictured), who had this to demonstrate against the sky- protestors charged the lobby and enough, however, that a Liberal fi re extinguisher, natch) at po- to say: rocketing university fees. But used chairs and fi re extinguish- Democrat and Labour Coalition lice below. Footage, which as a “‘‘Is bean Anarchy in the anarchists hijacked the event, ers to smash the grass frontage could take over and appoint a print publication we are unable U.K. it ‘as. ‘As you can sae, initiating the most violent to open the atrium to the entire new PM. Who knows though, to show you, is epic, a dramati- us young geezers ‘ave taken to scenes of student dissension mob. As rioters dismantled the this system’s older than feudal- cally understaffed police force zees cuts loike the Queen Mum seen in Britain for decades. Far- building, others scrawled graf- ism and their representatives cowering against a building to a pair of bollocks. ‘Eve been left militants rounded up a med- fi ti across Millbank and a war wear wigs. It should be noted as literally thousands of angry goin aggro, smarshin’ windows ley of middle-class and younger memorial, saying things like: that with the tuition increase, protesters are smashing and de- an’ stoefron’s an’ ‘arrasin’ the college students, focusing vio- “Fight back,” or “Tory pigs.” it’s now £9,000 to go to col- stroying everything in sight. constabulary. Nahw, wa’ve lence at Tory HQ and causing While concern was building lege in the UK, around $14,500, As shocking as this level done this to remoind them chaps thousands of pounds of dam- that some would be pushed into which is still relatively cheap. It of violence in a fi rst world, that we huniversi’y students are age. Effi gies of David Cameron, one of the several bonfi res the is unclear whether there will be peaceful, industrial nation is, sick of yares of being told “you Prime Minister of the UK and crowd started, the Metropolitan further riots when the students even more shocking is the cir- ain’t as goud as us, join the Leader of the Conservative Par- Police sent in hundreds of riot discover that their elected repre- cumstances surrounding it. loine, sign your naime.” We’re ty, and Nick Clegg, Leader of the offi cers, and by 7pm the police sentatives wear wigs. november 17, 2010 the paper page 5 Invisibility Cloaks... Not Just for Hogwarts Anymore Bored scientists play with metamaterials, fi nd they might be useful by Sarah Madges be a lot of fun to play with the ing structural features smaller them incredibly useful in terms claims that these metamaterials NEWS CO-EDITOR magnetic component.” Russian than light’s wavelength. How- of solar energy, where absorb- change people’s perception of So, the Harry Potter series physicist Victor Veselago rec- ever, the size of the structures ing more light means produc- space, creating the illusion that might be over, but the idea of ognized this theoretical possi- themselves depends on the in- ing more power. George V. something is in a certain posi- an invisibility cloak might not. bility in the 1960s. The idea is coming electromagnetic radia- Eleftheriades, a researcher at tion, when in reality it is some- Five years ago researchers took to create materials with a nega- tion that produces the magnetic the University of Toronto, adds where else. A team at Duke Uni- what had been just a theoreti- tive refractive index, which, in fi eld. Simply put, the smaller that metamaterials may help versity led by scientists at Pratt cal or magical possibility and less-jargony terms, means improve magnetic reso- School of Engineering actually made it…well, a possibility. an optical material that can nance imaging. By using demonstrated the possibility of That is, scientists began using bend the natural direction these materials in the coils a working invisibility cloak on an artifi cially structured “meta” of visible and near-infrared that generate and detect October 19, 2006. The cloak de- material to manipulate light and light, and enable higher the electromagnetic fi elds fl ects microwave beams so that electromagnetic waves in ways resolution optical imaging. in an MRI machine, the they fl ow around a “hidden” ob- not achievable in nature. Even Almost all materials en- consequently improved ject inside with minimal distor- then scientists were spreading countered in optics, such signal-to-noise ratio would tion, making it appear almost as truemors about impending opti- as water or glass, have pos- improve the contrast of im- if there were nothing there at all. cal invisibility—now research- itive values, but many met- ages. Additionally, it may Such a device typically involves ers are expecting more applica- als (such as silver and gold) even be possible to use a surrounding the object-to-be- tions of these “metamaterials” have negative values at metamaterial lens to shift cloaked with a shell, which in the next few years. According visible wavelengths, which the electromagnetic fi elds affects the nearby passage of to Vladimir Shalaev, a metama- induce opacity. In order to that MRI machines gener- light. Dr. Shalaev proposed a terials researcher at Purdue Uni- make a negative refractive ate so that harder-to-reach similar design, which would versity, these potential applica- indexed material, research- body parts could be more instead deploy an array of tiny tions include a “hyperlens” that ers had to design physical readily detected. needles projecting from a cen- could resolve objects smaller structures that would al- THIS PICTURE IS INVISIBLE! Still, these optical oddi- tral spoke in order to render an than the wavelength of light, low the electric and mag- ties have a long way to go. object within the cloak invisible as well as remote aerospace ap- netic components to be So far metamaterials have for red light. plications, smart solar power controlled independently. Their the wavelength, the smaller the mostly been used at microwave But, as the proliferation of management, high-frequency result was a split-ring resona- resulting structures—and the and radio frequencies, whose polysyllabic physics-y terms battlefi eld communication, and tor that operates like a C-shaped smaller the structures, the more longer wavelengths make ma- and words like “possibility” in INVISIBILITY CLOAKS (or electromagnet. With the help of diffi cult they are to fabricate. nipulation much easier. Ulf this article suggest, there’s a something kind of like them). a fl ow of light or other electro- Even so, Dr. Wegener maintains Leonhardt, a researcher at the lot of thinking left to do. The But this isn’t the fi rst we’ve magnetic radiation, a magnetic that, although the type of lenses University of St. Andrews in ideas are there, and the phys- heard of metamaterials. As Mar- fi eld strong enough to arrange metamaterials could produce Scotland, enumerates these mi- ics is there, but the realization tin Wegener, a physicist at the numerous tiny 3-D structures “are not so sexy,” they may crowave devices’ military appli- of these ideas remains diffi cult. Karlsruhe Institute of Technol- is produced, and the material be “much more useful than an cations, including cloaking de- I mean, J.K. Rowling couldn’t ogy in Germany, put it: “People becomes polarized and magne- invisibility cloak.” He’s refer- vices that could simultaneously come up with an explanation realized that mankind had only tized. These resulting electro- ring to metamaterials’ ability have the aerodynamic shape of for her invisibility cloak’s ma- played with the electric compo- magnetic metamaterials affect to absorb an enormous amount a plane while concealing an ob- nipulation of photonic material nent of light, and that it might electromagnetic waves by hav- of photons, which would make ject from radar. Dr. Leonhardt either. There’s Something About Mary-Jane: Refl ecting on Prop 19’s Failure by Elena Lightbourn infl uence,” doesn’t give a defi ni- juana arrests; in fact, less than competition.” dous victory... we have broken COMIX EDITOR tion for exactly what that means. 1% of all marijuana arrests In the months before the the glass ceiling. Prop 19 has If passed, Prop 19 would Why this is signifi cant: A person throughout the U.S. were made November elections, opponents changed the terms of the de- have allowed Californians 21 who is completely sober could by federal offi cers in 2008. of Prop 19 fed largely upon the bate.” or older to possess, cultivate, still test positive for THC be- Interestingly, anti-Prop 19 fears of “reefer madness”, de- “Marijuana isn’t going to or transport marijuana for per- cause the chemical stays in the opposition included the alcohol picting scenarios of a stoned, legalize itself, but momentum sonal use, and for local govern- human body long after drug-addled America in print, is building like never before ments to regulate and tax the marijuana use.“The TV, and radio advertisements. among Americans across the plant’s commercial production risks of legalizing Many critics cited a need to ad- political spectrum who think it’s and sales. The initiative, whose something as im- dress the still rather strong anti- time to take marijuana out of the controversy quickly grabbed portant as marijuana pot sentiments and myths which closet and out of the criminal the nation’s attention, lost on were far greater than turn off the idea of legalizing justice system,” writes Ethan November 2, with 46 percent of the benefi ts, and the weed to many Americans. Nadelmann, the founder and the vote. benefi ts were far from Mr. Fox said, “You have to executive director of the Drug Although polls in the months guaranteed. If they are incorporate into the campaign Policy Alliance. leading up to the election indi- going to come back more messages that are going to Many Californian marijuana cated a rising level of support with something, it has make people feel that marijuana users feel no rush for the plant’s for California’s legalization of to be a lot more tightly isn’t as bad as they think it is legalization - on October 1, marijuana, there was an ulti- written,” said Roger and that marijuana users aren’t 2010, Governor Schwarzeneg- mate shortage of supporter turn- Salazar, a spokesman as bad as they think they are.” ger signed SB 1449, which will out, particularly youth. Prop 19 for the anti-Prop 19 Steve DeAngelo, a leader in make the possession of less drew opposition from voters of campaign. the medical marijuana move- than an ounce of marijuana a every race, age, gender, income, Perhaps one of the ment, stated that “voters will civil infraction (currently, it is a and education level, despite largest problems with not welcome cannabis into their criminal misdemeanor). Abbey backers’ hopes that blacks and Prop 19 is the simple communities until it is demon- Kaufman, a 20-year-old San Latinos would support the mea- fact that marijuana strated that it can be done in a Franciscan who voted “yes” to sure, as law enforcement tends would still be federally illegal. industry. The California Beer way that is not threatening to Prop 19, said: “Right now, you disproportionately to arrest mi- Attorney General Eric Holder & Beverage Distributors do- the health and welfare of their can smoke as much pot as you norities for pot possession. warned that if the proposition nated $10,000 to the “No on 19” families.” want on the streets of San Fran- Many critics argued that the passed, the federal government cause. Steve Fox, the Marijuana Even though Prop 19 ulti- cisco. If it had passed, mari- initiative was poorly drafted and would continue “to enforce vig- Policy Project’s government re- mately failed to pass, advocates juana would have been treated misleading. Although its propo- orously the CSA [Controlled lations director, said in a press for weed legalization still view like booze and there would be a nents emphasized the benefi ts of Substance Act] against individ- release: “Unless the beer dis- it as an important step for the crackdown on public smoking.” regulating and taxing pot sales, uals and organizations that pos- tributors in California have sud- cause. Richard Lee, the founder In the wake of Prop 19’s it did not actually state how this sess, manufacture, or distribute denly developed a philosophical of Oaksterdam University and failure, Americans can expect would be done, leaving the mat- marijuana for recreational use, opposition to the use of intoxi- the man almost singlehandedly to see California or other states ter up to local and state govern- even if such activities are per- cating substances, the motiva- responsible for Prop 19’s exis- like Colorado bring the matter ments’ discretion. mitted by state law”. However, tion behind this contribution is tence, said: “The fact that mil- of legalizing marijuana to elec- Prop 19, which would have it is state law enforcement of- clear. Plain and simple, the alco- lions of Californians voted to tions once again. prohibited “driving under the fi cers that make the most mari- hol industry is trying to kill the legalize marijuana is a tremen- page 6 the paper november 17, 2010

Nine Years Later, Afghanistan Still Faker in the Shitter Despite Ongoing Military Presence, Coalition Forces Face a Resilient Taliban and Political CorR uption by Alexander Gibbons ing somewhere in the millions. outpost in Khogeyani disap- CO-EDITOR IN CHIEF Daudzai and Karzai use this peared, along with their food, Than It’s been over nine years fund to bribe local offi cials, el- weapons, and uniforms, leaving since United States forces began ders, lawmakers, and even Tal- behind only the charred remains combat operations in Afghani- iban offi cials. The money is also of their police station. A Tal- stan on October 7, 2001. The meant to secure Iranian interests iban spokesperson later claimed Afghan confl ict, which during in Afghanistan, an act that runs that the 19 police offi cers had the time of the Iraq War seemed contrary to most of the United previously been contacted by to take a back seat in the eye of States’ military activity of the Taliban offi cials and were eas- Truth American media, has intensifi ed past decade. ily convinced to switch over to both in violence and mystery Alongside this is the esti- the Taliban side. Wavering loy- by Sean Kelly and Alexander Gibbons over the past year. Now, just a mated $14 billion in U.S and alties are always going to be a STAFF LIARS week after the Obama Admin- NATO funding that has slipped problem for Coalition forces in istration stated that American into the hands of Taliban forces Afghanistan; at the end of the ASHVILLE, NC – For the third time this month, area seven- forces will probably be active by way of corrupt Afghan or day, the United States is still an year old Timothy Hannsman was introduced by his mother to a in Afghanistan well into 2014 as Pakistani agents. In early Octo- occupying force in the country. man whom he was instructed to refer to as “uncle”. The man, opposed to 2011, Obama’s pre- ber, a NATO convoy transport- The Taliban is local and as a re- Gregory Guillermo of Guillermo Landscaping and Non-Arbore- viously anticipated extraction ing fuel and other non-lethal sult they can bribe or threaten al Gardening Services, age 43, was fi rst introduced to Hannsman year, America’s involvement in supplies through Pakistan was local citizens and governments after the youth came downstairs at approximately 1:34 am on the war seems dangerously un- attacked by Taliban forces, more easily than occupying Saturday to fi nd Guillermo and his mother, 41-year-old Agatha certain. leading to questions concerning forces. Hannsman, drinking wine and holding hands while watching a 2010 has been the bloodiest VHS copy of You’ve Got Mail provided by Guillermo. After year for coalition forces in Af- inquiring as to the man’s identity, Hannsman was told by his ghanistan so far. An estimated mother to “say hi to Uncle Greg,” and to “go back to bed, sweet- 1,385 United States service men ie.” “Uncle Greg looks nice,” said Hannsman in an interview and women have died in Af- the following afternoon, “Since Uncle Jack stopped coming over ghanistan since 2001, with 438 after getting in a fi stfi ght with Uncle Joe when he saw him and killed in 2010 alone. In terms of mommy watching a movie that had nakey people in it mommy’s deaths caused by IEDs (impro- seemed really sad.” “Uncle Greg smelled like the bowling al- vised explosive devices), 2010 ley!” added Hannsman. The following morning, Guillermo re- outshines the previous nine portedly made Mickey Mouse-shaped pancakes for Hannsman years, with 336 deaths being and told the child that he would “probably be seeing more of me the result of IED attacks. This from now on.” comes as a result of increased -SPK This photo is a fi tting representation of the war military activity in the province in Afghanistan, but it would be a BETTER one of Kandahar, where Taliban if the rocket were fi ring backwards. Yeah. forces are thicker amidst un- BRONX, NY - An area man was discovered to be converting compromising terrain. Double-Stuffed Oreos into quadruple-stuffed Oreos last night at Still hunting the Taliban, security surrounding the supply Around 2,000 Afghani civil- a local party. The man was found by two girls who proceeded American and NATO forces are road and the reliability of Paki- ians have been killed as a result to giggle, unbeknownst to the man, for several minutes. When charged with the diffi cult task stani forces. Just this weekend, of the war in 2010. The major- confronted, the man denied claims that he had in fact been creat- of gaining and maintaining the another NATO convoy was at- ity of these deaths have been the ing quadruple-stuffed Oreos and leaving the bare halves of the trust of locals throughout the tacked, this time just outside result of Taliban or other anti- popular cream-fi lled cookies in the Oreo tray. After our source country, especially as they wade Kabul in Afghanistan. Eleven government forces, but at least further perused the question the man exclaimed that the party through Kandahar, a dangerous were killed, including fi ve 18% of civilian deaths in 2010 was “a total nerd-fest,” later adding that all of the party’s female region in Southern Afghanistan NATO service members and are the result of coalition forces. guests did not meet his standards for fornicating. The man then and the birthplace of the Tal- three Afghan police. Since 2001, the number of civil- left the party alone and distressed. The party’s host contested the iban. In addition to this, recent When Wikileaks leaked ian deaths wavers somewhere man’s claims concerning the party’s female guests were totally incidents suggest that certain ar- 90,000 classifi ed Afghanistan around 34,000. These numbers unfounded, and that said guests were actually “pretty fucking eas of the Pakistani government, war logs, it became apparent could prove inconclusive, how- hot” and that he “might try to get some sweet poonani from that to which the United States has that elements of Pakistan’s intel- ever, as keeping track of civilian blond girl right over there.” The party lasted until around 3:30 been providing aid in exchange ligence agency were funneling deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq am, causing four people to get laid. for military and security sup- U.S aid straight from Washing- proves an extremely diffi cult port, have been aiding Taliban ton into the hands of the Tal- task. At the time of this printing, -AG insurgents. To put it bluntly, iban. Some accounts claim that Wikileaks’ Afghanistan War America may be fi nancing its Pakistani agents meet directly logs were offl ine as the site un- MANHATTAN, NY - BREAKING NEWS. I’ve been stuck in enemy’s war effort. with members of the Taliban, dergoes construction. The fi les this fucking bathroom for like, ten minutes. I’m at a party in Afghanistan President Ha- helping them in training exer- may have provided a number SoHo right now for this internship my dad got me with this art mid Karzai’s current adminis- cises and, on some occasions, contrary to the offi cial estimate gallery and I just went to the bathroom to go pee and the next tration ranks amongst some of helping them hatch plots to as- of 34,000 deaths. thing I know I’m locked in! What gives?! I tried to jiggle the the most corrupt governments sassinate Afghan politicians. Recent peace talks involv- handle and everything. I think the handle is broken. I can hear in the world. Aside from the General Hamid Gul, an ex-spy ing NATO and Taliban forces people outside, but I think it’s just the same two gay dudes that obvious roadblocks that come chief in Pakistan, condemned produced little in the way of were out there before. They’re talking about post-modernist pho- when an occupying force tries the accusations and claimed compromise or progress. For tography or something, but I don’t know what that means and I to reshape the infrastructure of the documents that pointed to coalition forces to ensure the don’t think they plan on going to the bathroom any time soon. a nation in hopes of introducing Pakistan’s cooperation with the safety of their troops, either the I don’t even know anything about art—I just got this job so I western democracy and freedom Taliban were unprocessed fi eld United States or NATO has to could network. I really hope someone fi gures out that somebody to a largely fragmented country reports. crack down on government cor- is locked in the bathroom soon. I’m pretty hungry and all I’ve marred by tribal differences, po- But the prospect of Pakistan ruption in Afghanistan and meet eaten tonight is, like, four saltines because I woke up late and litical corruption can seriously offi cials empathizing and sid- allegations of double-dealing didn’t really have time to prepare anything substantial. Man, stifl e efforts. Last month it was ing with Taliban agents should Pakistani agents with a more what if I, like, died in here or something? That would suck. Well, revealed that Umar Daudzai, not be a surprising one. U.S al- serious attitude. For now, how- no sense in wasting precious alone time. Might as well get a few Karzai’s Chief of Staff, ac- lies frequently shift sides in the ever, the optimism fueled by the good tugs while I’m in here. Oh shit, I think I hear someone at cepted a large bag of euros from ongoing war depending on the Obama administration’s predic- the door…BREAKING NEWS. I JUST GOT FOUND MAS- an Iranian offi cial, a bribe in- given advantages of siding with tions of an impending extraction TURBATING IN THE BATHROOM. tended to buy the loyalty of Mr. Taliban or Coalition forces. Just date has mostly dissipated, and Daudzai and, subsequently, that a few weeks ago, an entire Af- it seems that the United States -AG of Mr. Karzai as well. The ex- ghan police unit defected, leav- will continue funneling troops change, which was witnessed ing their guard to join Taliban and funds into Afghanistan for a by several Afghan offi cials, is forces. On Monday, November prolonged period of time. only one of many, the collective 1, all 19 police offi cers at an sum of bribe money number- november 17, 2010 the paper page 7 KHODORKOVSKY...NOT JUST THE SOUND YOU MAKE WHEN YOU SNEEZE Oil tycoon shits on the Russian government. by Matt Winter dicial process. Over his years themselves with the regime. STAFF KREMLIN in prison Khodorkovsky has Like many prominent dis- GREMLIN grown more and more able and sidents, while famous abroad, The Russian dissident and willing to criticize the govern- Khodorkovsky’s infl uence former oil oligarch, Michail ment in Moscow. An unlikely within Russia is unclear. By Khodorkovsky, is awaiting the dissenter, Khodorkovsky has, most indications Putin and verdict for his show trial in Mos- by all accounts, undergone a Medvedev are popular among cow. Khodorkovsky has spent transformation in prison. He en- the Russian people, and increas- the last seven years in a Siberian tered prison merely as a former ing violence and tensions within prison on a separate charge, and oligarch, but since has turned Chechnya and its neighboring now that his sentence is running into a full blown human rights regions has caused the Russian by Sarah Madges, Tom Sliwowski, Joe McCarthy, out the Kremlin is trying to keep activist, and has become one of public to be less skeptical of Alexander Gibbons, Nick Murray, Alex Orf, and Marisa him from seeing the light of day the most prominent dissidents the increasingly autocratic gov- Carroll by adding fresh charges. The within Russia. ernment. For the most part, the STAFF JAPANOPHILES verdict should be ready by early The Russian government Russian public has been willing New test shows that prisoner Cruise Ship loses power and December, but the outcome is does not want Khodorkovsky to give up certain rights in ex- Claude Jones executed un- is stranded 200 miles outside far from uncertain. to go free, as he might publicly change for security. Still, with der Bush’s governorship was San Diego for three days, In the days after the fall speak out against them. As a re- time Khodorkovsky’s words convicted using a single piece forcing passengers to endure of the Soviet Union, Khodor- sult they have added charges to may be prolifi c. Few in Russia of hair that wasn’t his. bad smells and SPAM sand- kovsky made millions by jump- his indictment in a bid to keep are as willing as Khodorkovsky whiches. Jones was wrongly killed DNA shmee-en-ay, right? Fantasy at sea, Thanks, Gov’nuh (Death) Quickly turns to a nightmare, Bush Should have went to Maine.

Secretary of Defense Gates Dick Van Dyke is Saved says troops could remain in by Porpoises After Falling Iraq past 2011. Asleep on Surfboad, is Aqua- man. Slow troop withdrawal Obama calls it progress Mary Poppins star, Spring Break Iraq ’12! Asleep at sea, almost drowns, Fuckin’ porpoises. EPA subpoenas Halliburton over refusal to disclose drill- -AG “I’m an oil man.” ing chemicals used in hy- draulic fracturing. 300 Women Raped Along ing into the newly privatized him imprisoned for at least an- to speak truth to power, and he Halliburton drills, Congo-Angola Border Russian oil industry. The com- other decade. The new charges has the Russian government in a refuses to give info. pany he founded, Yukos, did so claim that he stole oil from his delicate situation. On one hand, The EPA cries. The title pretty well that at one point Khodor- own oil company. Moscow cannot let him go free Much says it all. Fuck the kovsky was the wealthiest man Few have doubts about and accept a mistake, and yet by -SM world. in Russia. Like most in his situ- Khodorkovsky’s fate. The sole continuing to imprison Khodor- Now I’m kinda sad. ation, Khodorkovsky probably judge’s ruling is due by kovsky they bring on increas- cut corners in establishing his December 16, and barring ing criticism. Khodorkovsky Scientists fi nd out exactly -NM empire, but his company be- something astonishing, Khodor- claimed, “They want to show: how cats drink so goddamn came one of the more respected kovsky will be sentenced to as they are above the law, they will fast. in the country. Khodorkovsky’s many as 14 additional years always accomplish whatever Kiwi Blight Threatens New problems arose when, rather in prison. Throughout the trial they might think up. So far they Cats are so clever, Zealand National Crop than keep quiet, he reached out the public prosecutor has been have achieved the opposite: out they drink water with physics. to Russian communities. He visibly frustrated and Khodor- of ordinary people they have The more you know, yeah. Tainted kiwi fruits gave vast amounts of his wealth kovsky has easily defended created a symbol of the struggle In the land of kiwi folk to charities, including those himself against his accusations. with arbitrariness. But for them, Citizens gather in Moscow Blame foreign pollen working within journalism and In his closing argument he bare- a conviction is essential, so they to protest suspected govern- human rights, which the Rus- ly touched on the case against would not become scapegoats.” ment abuse of Russian jour- -BC sian government saw as a grab him, focusing instead on the A call for democracy from nalists for political power. greater implications of his im- an oil tycoon seems extremely In 2003 Khodorkovsky, prisonment. odd, but in today’s Russia not Ruski muckrakers TSA plans to star using full- along with his business partner From the glass cage in even oil barons are safe from seem to disappear often body scanners that essential- Platon Lebdev, were charged which he is kept during his tri- arbitrary rule. Khodorkovsky’s Putin is to blame. ly allow airport security to with tax evasion and fraud, and al, Khodorkovsky has assailed criticisms have extended well see you naked were sentenced to nine years in the current political situation beyond himself. Now he aims to -TS prison. Human rights groups as in Russia. In his closing argu- take on the entire Russian gov- Nothing like strangers well as foreign governments, ments Khodorkovsky said, “I ernment. In a fuck-you to Putin, scoping your junk on the way including the state department, am ashamed to see how certain Khodorkovsky said, “A country Researchers come ever closer home for Christmas break. raised concerns over Khodor- persons – in the past, respected that tolerates a situation where to perfecting cloaking tech- kovsky’s arrest. The evidence by me – are attempting to jus- the siloviki bureaucracy holds nology, mutating the trajec- -AO against him was shaky at best, tify unchecked bureaucratic be- tens and even hundreds of thou- tory of light and playing with and despite objections from havior and lawlessness. They sands of talented entrepreneurs, electromagnetic fi elds. abroad and an inconclusive exchange their reputation for a managers, and ordinary people Former President Bill Clin- trial, Khodorkovsky was con- life of ease and privilege.” To in jail in its own interests, in- “It’s invisible! ton Slated to Appear in “The victed. For the past seven years Khodorkovsky, his trial is less stead of and together with crim- The magnetic fi eld is up,” Hangover” Sequel he has lived in a Siberian pris- about himself and more about inals, this is a sick country.” he said. “It’s a trap!” on, often reaching out to speak the rampant corruption and in- From within his cell, Khodor- The Hangover 2 about Russian oppression. creasingly totalitarian rule of kovsky is awaiting his -the Senator Featuring Pres. Bill Clinton? Khodorkovsky rose to in- Russia, which is exactly why Judgment—most likely he My dreams can come true! ternational prominence by Moscow wishes to keep him will be found guilty. However, -MC writing to friends and journal- quiet. To Khodorkovsky, Rus- his words may prove to be more ists, lamenting the injustice sians are faced with two choic- important to Russia than the carried out by the Russian ju- es: either to get out, or to align outcome of his trial. page 8 the paper november 17, 2010 Smokers won’t quit, but they might die out Cigarette Corporations Under Fire from World Health Organization, Governments All Over the World by Kaitlin Campbell Cigarette companies have Morris and British American black market with more ciga- ground-breakingly tight and ARTS CO-EDITOR been suing the shit out of gov- and Imperial Tobacco are being rette restrictions in the Euro- heartbreakingly true to cigarette As you read this here and ernments all over the world vilifi ed and conquered, resort- pean Union – explicating six companies than any of the other now, there’s a whole huge con- since 2003, when the Frame- ing to some bizarre advertising minutes of car-bomb explosions petty banter they’ve held with ference going on in Punta del work Convention of Tobacco techniques, even slimier “back (the black market is linked to other country’s governments. Este, Uruguay where Tobacco Control came into force. And door” lobbying, and of course, terrorists!), heroin needles (and With the exception, of course, industry giants are battling the World Health Organization straight up lawsuits against en- other drugs!), and high-intensity of this current battle with the World Health Organization has been mounting the pulpit tire governments. Hollywood conversations be- World Health Organization, and cronies, adding or subtracting each time, preaching good lungs Philip Morris and British tween cigarette-swapping gang- the 171 countries that ratifi ed specifi c terms to a public health for all, and hell to anyone who American and Imperial Tobacco sters (they’ll kill you!) – after the Framework Convention on treaty known as the Framework fl ashing their backwards Tobacco Control. Convention on Tobacco Con- PSA slogan: “Who’s in If American smokers are trol, which is designed even- control?” increasingly becoming strang- tually to stop everyone in the The treaty’s recom- ers in a smoke-free land, then I world from smoking. Or that’s mendations either to re- can only hope this new minority my understanding of the idea. strict or to prohibit the will be cool. We were robbed of use of popular additives, cloves, and any other artifi cial Light a cigarette, it’s com- like licorice and choco- or natural fl avor other than to- plicated. late, not only have the bacco and menthol, but we have big cigarette companies unbridled electric smokes and The purpose of the treaty is up in smoke, but tick non-menthol Newports now. to “reduce the use of tobacco off the International To- Camel Lights got the Camel products worldwide by putting bacco Growers’ Associa- blues and died, but we’re soon in place measures to control tion, too. The additives going to have Camel Williams- tobacco demand and supply” – that threaten the world’s burg, a tribute to the “iconically both by regulating how tobacco health by making “the ini- hipster neighborhood,” with the products will be tested for more tial smoking experience camel logo on the box stand- degrees of harmfulness, and by more pleasant, encour- ing in a city street next to the dictating how cigarette compa- age experimentation, and Williamsburg Bridge. And the nies disclose this information make smoke less harsh,” Marlboro cowboy got killed and to the government and general, threaten the makers of banned from the public’s sight well, global public. burley tobacco, an air- in ads, and Marb lights became The conference is taking cured leaf that has long “the gold box,” but Marlboro place in Uruguay because Phil- been sweetened with ad- will send you free hats and t- lip Morris International, one of ditives, costing millions shirts if you order enough car- the largest cigarette manufac- of farmers their jobs and tons and save the box tabs. turing companies in the world, devastating economies But even though Section sued that nation’s government worldwide. 103 of the Family Smoking Pre- this year after a law was passed Burley tobacco is vention and Tobacco Control requiring that health warnings straight up ‘Merican – Act prohibits the “charitable cover 80 percent of cigarette 70% of it produced here, distribution of tobacco prod- packages, and that brand pack- What they’re not telling you: the OTHER down south, and the other ucts,” I’ve met a lot of very gen- age designs be limited to one half of smokers are immortal. 30% produced in Brazil, erous criminals during my time generic, extremely harmful- Malawi, and Argentina – at college. And while we stand looking pack. lights up. paid $5 million to a coalition and is what gives any cigarette outside for cigarette breaks to Phillip Morris International Cigarette companies started of small store owners in Aus- what could be described as a discuss all of this mess, the tax- thought these restrictions were aggressively targeting new cus- tralia to participate in a media “full-bodied taste.” Ironically, es we paid for our puffs directly excessive. The World Health tomers in developing nations to campaign against their govern- though, the cigarettes Ameri- fund the research and regulation Organization thought that the account for all the quitters and ment’s proposed plan requiring cans smoke are the least “bod- that the FDA has on our prod- company’s death toll was ex- corpses in Europe and Ameri- that cigarettes be sold in plain ied” in the world, and Ameri- uct. And each time the price cessive. Phillip Morris Interna- ca, and are currently winning, brown or white packing to make cans are the smallest body of goes up, more hair is pulled, a tional is a bunch of capitalists. with worldwide cigarette sales them less attractive to buyers – smokers in the world now, few quitters quit, and the rest of The World Health Organization rising two percent each year. the base-logic slogan being: “It thanks to the Family Smok- the last of us will chain-smoke is a bunch of communists. This But as more nations adopt this won’t work, so why do it?” ing Prevention and Tobacco to make up the difference. pattern of thinking has been act- treaty, the world’s fi rst inter- British American Tobacco Control Act, which was passed ed out in the last decade, many national public health treaty, posted a fear-mongering video as a law in June of 2009. Our And now, I need a cigarette. times. leading companies like Phillip about the dangers of a rising cigarette regulations are more november 17, 2010 the paper page 9 editorials Ram Runs Misleading Partisan the paper’s view november 17, 2010 Ad, Runs From Integrity Poli - Sigh Any Statement from B.S. Org ‘Feminists for Life’ Has No Place in Our College’s Official Paper e here at the paper have fi nd a page already prepared for Wbeen going through all Fordham. Our humble Bronx by Caroline Egan is utterly shameful and reveals cases of rape or incest or when sorts of troubles lately. Just last chalet ranks #62 on Campus Grace Waltemeyer how nonchalantly The Ram de- the mother’s health or life is in week, we were blocked from Reform’s list of America’s top and Emily Genetta cided to take a position on such danger. The organization fur- going to the Caf by a towering 100 colleges (ouch?). Fordham STAFF ACTUAL FEMNISTS a sensitive issue. ther refuses to take a stance on wall of freedom and democracy. is described as having “12 po- e have disagreed with But enough about how The whether or not to support con- A scary white person tried to litical organizations, 6 of which Wsome of the things The Ram failed. We need to use this traception— an absurd position shake our hand, but we recoiled are Conservative and 6 of which Ram has published in the years precious column space to dis- to promote in a college setting. in fear, their teeth just too bright are Liberal.” The clubs in ques- we’ve been at Fordham, but sect exactly what was wrong Yes, we are on a Catholic cam- for our godless eyeballs to en- tion? Well, on the Conserva- nearly all of these things have with the copy of that ad, starting pus that cannot provide any type dure. Upon closer inspection, tive side we’ve got our much appeared in the opinions section. with the name of the organiza- of birth control for students, but however, this looming gray for- loved College Republicans, the This time, however, it wasn’t a tion that designed it. “Feminists that does not mean we should tifi cation was not, as we initially Right to Life club, The Liberty Chadwick Ciocci column that for Life,” where ‘life’ refers to advocate against using it. thought, a parapet constructed Forum, Young Americans for had us shaking our heads, but an valuing fetal life above women’s Finally, the organization by the dark lord Cthulhu, but Liberty, and Young Conser- incredibly insensitive full-page lives, is oxymoronic at worst and outright ignores many of the was actually just the College vatives of Fordham and The advertisement in the Novem- disingenuous at best; the core of important factors involved in Republicans’ confusing tribute Federalists Society. And on the ber 10 issue. The ad is by the the feminist movement hasn’t the decision to have an abortion. to the late President Ronald Liberal side? Amnesty Inter- national organization Feminists supported an anti-choice posi- They do not address the physical Reagan and the fall of the Berlin national, Progressive Students for Life, and it states, “They say tion since the fi rst-wave, which and mental diffi culties that oc- Wall. Lest we all forget about for Justice, College Democrats, I have a free choice. But with- is apparently the only wave cur with pregnancy even when the horrors of communism and Pride Alliance, Rainbow Alli- out housing on one has the best the, umm, relevancy of the ance (LC’s version of PRIDE), campus for me possible health Cold War, the College Repub- and the Muslim Students Asso- and my baby, coverage. They licans were there with a poorly ciation, which, presumably, is without on-site don’t discuss the constructed, poorly painted labeled as Liberal just because daycare, without incredible re- plywood replica of the Berlin they’re Muslim. the paper was maternity cover- sponsibility that Wall in what is pretty much the nowhere to be found on the list age in my health pregnancy, birth, most stereotypically right-wing of Liberal groups, which we insurance, it sure and child rearing thing that has ever happened on imagine must be the result of a doesn’t feel like entail; it can’t campus since last year’s absurd clerical error. I have much of a Feminists for all be amelio- tribute. This excessive display, For a Campus Reform pro- choice.” Publish- Life’s website: rated with free which reminded us a lot of the fi le to exist for a school, there ing such a state- the defi nition day-care. Their dick-wagging festival of the needs to exist on that campus ment for money of bullshitting lack of empathy Sub-Saharan H’pti tribe, taught an oppressive amount of Liberal is an entirely dif- for women with us about Conservatism’s impor- “bias and abuse.” But for most ferent thing from unwanted preg- tant role in the destruction of Conservatives, just a smidgen allowing conser- nancies extends Europe’s most backward ideol- of Liberalness is considered op- vative students to all women ogy. This got us thinking: what’s pressive, and must be sacked to a platform from when one exam- Conservatism’s role on cam- protect the sanctity of liberty which to share ines their offi cial pus? Everyone knows Apathy and yadda yadda yadda. We’re their views, and statement on reigns at Rose Hill. But, were pretty sure, however, that to it is an incredibly contraception: we to brush aside the mountains claim Fordham is marred by offensive and “Preconcep- of inebriated bros and she-bros, godless Liberalism is a load of shameful thing tion issues are would we fi nd a tiny Conserva- hot air. Students should keep in for The Ram to do. that matters to this organization outside FFL’s mission.” That tive hemorrhoid on Fordham’s mind that, year after year, the This ad is pure propagan- (surely they send their appolo- sounds suspiciously facile for a right butt cheek? Women’s Studies department da— misguided propaganda at gies to Gloria Steinem and bell so-called feminist organization. A former the paper editor runs into trouble when promot- that— so why is it in our school hooks.) Furthermore, not even Real feminist groups know that recently called our attention to ing “The Vagina Monologues,” paper, a supposedly non-parti- all fi rst-wavers agreed with this all of women’s issues are inter- a little website called Campus- that there is no “Pro-Choice” san medium? A clue to the ad’s anti-abortion position. Marga- connected, and being a single reform.org. According to the group allowed on campus, that a origin is Feminist for Life’s pre- ret Sanger, a problematic fi gure woman who is not pregnant or site’s mission statement, Cam- free-speech zone (which would vious involvement at Fordham: for her racist views but also an a mother is not free of diffi culty. pus Reform is a site “designed give voice to such absent par- the president of the organiza- important activist who founded In short, Feminists for Life is to provide conservative activists ties) does not exist on campus, tion, Serrin Foster, was the key- Planned Parenthood, is conve- not a feminist organization, it’s with the resources, network- that Fordham’s ROTC organi- note speaker of last year’s Re- niently ignored by Feminists for ad is a lie, and we should not be ing capabilities, and skills they zation is one of the area’s most spect for Life Week. Many on Life. Also ignored? The fact fooled into thinking otherwise. need to revolutionize the strug- prominent, and that our health The Ram staff run in the same that feminists for choice (i.e. ac- We’re going to state gle against leftist bias and abuse center does not provide its stu- circles as those in College Re- tual feminists, i.e. the ominous the obvious here and bring this on college campuses,” giving dents with condoms or birth publicans and Respect for Life, “they” referred to in the ad) back to The Ram: A genuine Conservative students “power- control, which is pretty fucking so we were pretty sure we knew absolutely support day care op- news source cannot endorse ful new weapons in their fi ght Conservative if you ask us. what had happened. We asked a tions and maternity coverage for the above kind of misinforma- for the hearts and minds of the So what we have here is friend with connections to con- women. We believe that women tion. The ad leads readers who next generation of citizens, poli- again Conservatives playing the fi rm our suspicions, and she did: deserve as many options as pos- are not educated about abortion ticians, and members of the me- victim, claiming an oppressed Respect for Life paid for the ad- sible, unlike Feminists for Life, to think women have them be- dia.” Good God! Did you read status at a university whose vertisement at a reduced fee. which not only wants to erode cause there are not enough op- that? They’re after our hearts foundational structure—an anti- If the club had paid full price women’s reproductive rights but tions in our society, rather than and minds. quated interpretation of Catholi- for the advertisement we would which supports Pregnancy Cri- the truth: until ‘society’ can car- Campus Reform provides a cism—constantly aligns with be a little less critical of how sis Centers that systematically ry a fetus, only women and their run down of Conservative pres- and upholds their cause, and op- misguided The Ram’s decision lie to women about the choices doctors can adequately address ence on certain college cam- presses their so-called enemies was. However, this ad place- currently available to them. the issues surrounding unwant- puses, as well as a run down of in a battle over “the hearts and ment amounted to nothing more Feminists for Life thinks ed pregnancy. This issue is too the Liberal presence that must minds” of our student body than a bit of extra cash, which is that all women would enthu- important for The Ram to shrug presumably be run down, de- (how’s that for dehumanizing?). even more insignifi cant in light siastically embrace mother- off for a little extra money. It stroyed, and erased from history We know you’re bummed be- of the newspaper’s extraordi- hood anytime a wayward sperm is at it’s core a matter of jour- (like past opponents of conser- cause USG didn’t give you the nary funding and normal ad meets an egg if only they were nalistic integrity to not provide vatism). If contacted by a stu- dough to bring Glenn Beck, fees. To publish something that given the support to do so. This misinformation about a subject dent willing to work with the but to claim conservatism’s op- shames and undermines any stu- is incredibly sexist. The group’s that directly impacts the lives of site, Campus Reform will set up pressed on our campus? Give us dent who has made the diffi cult positions veer into active mi- the majority of its readers. a profi le of the given students’ a break. decision to have an abortion, sogyny, too, with their support place of higher education. and to do so for such a small fee, of outlawing abortion even in We weren’t surprised to page 10 the paper november 17, 2010 Don’t Like the PC Police? Allow Me to Explain Why You’re an Asshole by Emily Genetta for waste instead of a semi- eration, the council decided to ubiquitously and pragmatically ever, you fi nd this argument EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR universal disdain for a class of “revert to common sense” be- enforced: by positioning anyone unpersuasive because you just It’s after Halloween, so you human, like women [“pussy”, cause the cookies “were clearly different from this norm as the don’t give a fuck about so- know what that means: It’s “cocksucker”] or homosexuals men— they were not wear- less-important ‘other.’ cial equality— well, fi rst of Christmastime! Store manag- [“faggot, “cocksucker”] or the ing skirts” (quotes from the It’s not just basic logic that all you’re an asshole. Second ers are hanging garland around disabled [“retard”, “retarded BBC Online, not The Onion). people who are underrepresent- of all, you might consider the the cash registers, that one cocksucker”.] I encourage you ed constantly in public and pri- micro-level argument that be- adult contemporary radio sta- to use it whenever an insult is Yes, everything ridiculous vate life (in everything from na- ing P.C. just means that you’re tion is playing treacly Christ- required. Other acceptable in- going on in the previous para- tional media like TV Shows and being more considerate on a mas songs, and someone on Fox sults include shitstain, shithead, graph is the result of excessive- ads to products like ‘skin-col- person-to-person basis. Wrap- News is going to start sounding dipshit, shitwad, fuckwad, bum- ly anti-P.C. forces, but that’s not ored’ band-aids and male cook- ping your offi ce pollyanna gift the alarms about the War on blefuck, pisshole, douchewad, really why I chose this anec- ies to one-on-one hypothetical with Santa Claus paper isn’t Christmas. This war is unique douchebag, shitbag, scumbag, dote. Rather, it’s the laughably discussions of ‘some guy’) mar- only your small contribution in military history for being the anus face, asshat, ass rod, poop- absurd quotes; they’re a perfect ginalizes them. There’s also a to the broader social marginal- only seasonally-fought war, and boot and more creative varia- example of why so-called politi- plethora of psychological and ization of Jews, for example; though no one’s sure exactly tions thereof.) cally correct language is neces- sociological research to back it’s also a sign that you’re only when it started, noted scholar Let’s start with a recent sea- sary: the relevant characteristic it up, not to mention the entire thinking within your little social Vick I. Pedia points out that it sonal example: the county coun- of the social majority— in this sub-fi eld of linguistic anthro- bubble and couldn’t be bothered wasn’t acknowledged until the cil of Lancashire, U.K. voting case gender— is still consid- pology, which examines just to even consider the existence 2000‘s, when “shit got real” to reverse a previous decision ered the default, even to the ex- the effect of language on social of the Jewish lady who works (paraphrase). It’s now in full- to use the term “gingerbread clusion of logic (pants= men!; norms. All of it leads to the un- at the desk next to you. Buy- force: anti-Christmas troops, people” at the local elementary cookies have genders!). By it- deniable conclusion that small ing snowfl ake wrapping paper sometimes called the P.C. Po- school instead of “gingerbread self, it’s not a big deal, no. As acts of inclusion are vital to instead is not any harder, it lice, are launching “Happy men.” I think everyone can one tiny example in an endless equality. Saying “Happy Holi- just requires you to be a more Holidays” word bombs and agree, fi rst and foremost, that barrage of comments normal- days” isn’t reducing the impor- thoughtful, considerate human staging strategic advances by the council needs to quit dicking izing the (white, able-bodied, tance of Christianity so much being. So go ahead and falsely putting menorahs next to Christ- around and focus on real issues heterosexual, Christian) male, as it’s raising the importance of argue that this is a Christian na- mas trees in drugstore windows instead of bringing to vote what however, it is incredibly impor- other religions and even athe- tion and that you celebrate the sometimes. Their ultimate goal terminology should be used to tant. It’s the way inequality is ism (after all, everyone gets a holiday, so people should give is to destroy the importance of describe the cookies at winter ‘holi- all due respect to your (incred- the largest religion in human the elementary school. day’ thanks ibly socially privileged) tradi- history and also ruin American That is not something to Christ- tion that is being acknowledged culture. that needs to be legis- mas.) Ba- everywhere already. You’re Except, of course, not at lated, and it should be sically, it’s also saying “I don’t give a fuck all; this is a misconception. As noted that the decision your fucking about anyone different from me, a P.C. Police captain, I would to do so was not origi- social obli- including you, Jewish lady that like to take this time to explain nally the idea of the gation not to works next to me.” That not to you what the “politically cor- P.C. police. Rather, the say “Merry only makes you an even huger rect” offensive is all about and council originally voted Christmas” asshole, but it makes everyone why, if you still disagree, you’re to call the cookies “gin- to every per- you know think you’re a huge a fucking asshole. (In case you gerbread people” as an son you meet asshole as well. And no one Happy holidays, were wondering, ‘asshole,’ anti-P.C. “joke” in or- starting De- gives gingerbread cookies to asshole. while not polite, is most defi - der to “amuse people” cember fi f- assholes, asshole. nitely politically correct. It’s (do they mean ‘men’?). teenth. based off of a universal disdain After careful consid- If, how- tomorrow is today (I just woke up) by Sam Wadhams fear that it is almost impossible and that’s just the crap we know wi-fi and we’re only a hop, skip leg-scalding effects of jet packs STAFF FUTURENAUT for us to see the spectacular age about. Marty McFly can keep and jump away from full com- affect our perspective on a fu- One of the most diffi cult in which we live. his self-lacing shoes (which, puter mind-melds, cyborgs and turism that will never be, but a things for a man to fi nd in his life Take video phones. Sure, coincidentally, were also just the destruction of humanity. We future that is? is perspective. The day, between any ignorant asshat in the Jet- invented). live in scintillating times. An ex-paperian once told the ring of the alarm and the sons’ writer’s room could have Things, real, actual things Invisibility is becoming me that he fi gured that the in- clink of the bottle, is so fraught thought of a phone that was both you can hold, are on the way more and more possible as sci- vention of 3D porn, in all its ir- with stress and the minutiae of video and audio, but was that out too. Books, music, fi lm, art, entists create cloaking devices resistible glory, would reclaim day-to-day life that any impetus jerk smart enough to think we’d these things have become pack- that can alter, duplicate or shield Times Square from the Disney- to step back and see what it all have video CELL PHONES? ets of data that can be blasted objects from visible light. Just fi cation and return it to its seedy means is buried. Fortunately, That we could video chat with across space rendering physical recently scientists in the UK former glory. This may or may through an incredible excess of anyone in the world from al- media irrelevant. Record shops, have created a model they say not occur, but the ability of tech- leisure time, I have developed most any populous location? I bookstores, Blockbuster, these can shield tiny objects from nology to shape our landscape perspective, and have come to think not. I’ll trade mobile vid- businesses are sinking under the near-infrared light, but this can cannot be underestimated. Ideas one startling conclusion: I live eo phones for a fl ying car any weight of an era in which hav- be scaled to a practical size. like autonomy, independence in the future. day. I’d crash a fl ying car. ing things is no longer a prereq- And what do we denizens and liberty are being recast in Now, as a nation, our space- How about Wikipedia? Cer- uisite for using them. of the future drink? We drink the light of a superconnected, age Cold War media made a lot tainly it has troubling verac- All of this is just consumer caffeinated, processed alcoholic digitized world. The American of promises about “the future”; ity and an over-focus on pop technology, stuff you can go beverages in electric colors that impulses of frontiersmanship that we would all be doing the culture, but by sheer volume it and pick up off the shelf and put come from mysterious factories and gumption are being buried Mashed Potato on Moon Colo- represents the single greatest in your pocket and take home. and contain no natural ingredi- by our love of pirated movies nies, that we would fl y in our compendium of human knowl- This is stuff that’s so thorough- ent. This is straight up Huxley. and social media, and we’re not cars, and that corporations and edge in history. Wikipedia, for ly vetted, polished and boring Fortunately, we won’t need even paying attention. our growing military industrial whatever the hell it is, makes they’ll trust it to schmucks like to be sober, as our overlords So as a man who has spent a complex would usher in a utopi- the Library at Alexandria look you and me. This isn’t even the at Google are currently testing great deal of time analyzing our an age out of the bowels of their like a dentist’s waiting room. cool stuff. cars that drive themselves along present and our predicted future, research and development labs. Microsoft has created an Scientists at Brown have the highway; all the better to I have to ask; fucking magnets, This has not, as much, been Xbox accessory that lets people created programs that allow par- ferry us home from our Loko- how do they work? the case. Our military industri- play video games by moving. alyzed people to move a com- induced stupors and to report to al complex has left us morally Sony has 3D televisions you can puter cursor, open email and Google the stores we frequent. bankrupt, and our corporatized put in your living room. The play Pong (not beer pong, col- So what does our future/ political machinery has left us U.S. military has planes without legians) with their thoughts, and present mean? How does the fi nancially bankrupt. Our mod- pilots that can execute tactical that was FOUR YEARS AGO. impracticality of drunk driv- ern age is wound so tightly in strikes anywhere in the world, Combine this with ever-present ing a fl ying car and the horrifi c november 17, 2010 the paper page 11

Why I'm Not on Facebook Student Tells Zuck to Book THIS Face, Man by Guillermo Garrido-Lestache everyone who lives (or lived) reformulated in its otherness in of its otherness in today’s socio- tion praising the utility of Face- STAFF ’BOOK BURNER without Facebook is isolated the future. Baudrillard uses the economic system. Again, I’m book. The availability of per- “Really? Wow! That’s and antisocial. As hard as it was example of communism, which not referring to the so-called sonal and private information to weird, hahaha…” is the com- to argue for that foolishness in reportedly died with the fall of ‘fascist’ character of the Bush corporations through Facebook mon response among fellow the times of Christendom, such the Berlin wall and the eventual administration (or the current is well-known and proven, so I students when I reveal— often is the case today in our Face- collapse of the USSR. This led one) and its violation of individ- won’t extend anymore on this. unwillingly— that I don’t have bookdom. We must belong to its the way for the folie à deux that ual and group rights; that would I’ll just ask: remember the spi- an account in the social network faith or accept our condition as is democratic capitalism to be merely be a superfi cial similari- ders? Guess who they are now. (or any of the others, for that heretics subjected to inquisition established as the one and only ty. I am talking about an inverse With this I’m not accusing matter). Before the reader starts by our peers, who try to fi nd option (and goal) for the whole analogy of the natural status of the creators of Facebook of be- assuming the usual stereotype out if there is something wrong world. However, communism the phenomenon of fascism; ing fascists. And I’m not con- that I’m a moralizing, preten- with us. Of course, the wrong- has reappeared in a new, de- not as ideology or policy any- demning Facebook users for tious jerk who lacks either the ness cannot be on the side of formed mode in the other. He more. This deeper presence of condoning or supporting fas- ability to socialize or an actual the majority. However, just as is not referring to the new left fascism today has its foremost cism. What I do believe is that social life, I ask you to read my Christianity has its Devil, the which has evolved from the exponent in Facebook. Indeed, Facebook is an element of social article. If by the end of it you social network has its spiders comfy privileged environment the idea of an extensive archive oppression (another similarity still think the same way, good waiting for us containing all with Christianity). Besides, my for you, and I hope you keep en- to be entangled the possible in- main concern with Facebook is joying the wasteful use of your in the web and Zuckerberg and formation about not political, but existential and (both leisure and class) time its logic of in- his closest advisor the private lives humanist. Are we not deposed of with the multiple offers of point- terconnectivity. examine their web. of people has our humanity when we are ex- less activities made available to They wait until its origin in the pected to constantly respond to you by Mark Zuckerberg. we have been Nazi govern- an authority that has the power As a few may have noticed, pulled by social ment, and was to remove us from the social or- the title of this article resembles gravitational an essential fea- der when we don’t abide? Don’t that of a book by British analyt- forces to that ture of its ideol- get me wrong, I understand the ic philosopher Bertrand Russell, massive black ogy. convenience and usefulness of substituting ‘(a) Christian’ with hole of identity- This view Facebook in various aspects of ‘(on) Facebook’. We could very disintegration is best ex- social life. Nevertheless, I doubt well say that this substitution that is Face- pressed in Vis- whether it is worth to lose em- has taken place in our society. book beyond conti’s fi lm bedded aspects of human nature Like Christianity, the Facebook the point of no The Damned such as individuality, privacy, faith is based on the idea of a su- return. When (1969), where specifi city and physicality. preme entity that exists beyond we’re there, a character who If you don’t grasp the mean- the real-in the virtual realm of right where they is a member ing of (or share) these concerns, internet, where one is not sub- want us to be, of the SS says it doesn’t matter. However, an ject to the limits of the space- they make us “we know ev- easy exercise can help you as- time continuum. Its worldview their prey with- erything […] sess the validity of Facebook to stresses the role of the individual out us being these are the your particular interests; a utili- as merely a member of (and for) able to realize. most complete tarian approach of questioning society, owing himself to others But who or archives ever to what it takes from you and what to the extent of having to expose what are these be conceived. it gives to you. Does it have a his entire life: his friends, his spiders? This is the se- positive balance? In such case, opinions, his likes and dislikes, In an exer- cret Germany. ignore this article and embrace his affi liations, his activities, his cise of alarm- Nothing is lack- the absolute indeterminateness status and his mood. Facebook ing inconsistency—due to the of American colleges. No, he is ing […] Can you believe it? You of the virtual social web. If oth- has become our confessional absolute opposition with Rus- talking about an underlying cul- see, it’s not very diffi cult to en- erwise, do something! Don’t booth and our psychotherapist sell—I’ll mention here French tural phenomenon: the fact that ter into the lives of people. Ev- just sit their reading this and at once, yet offering no solu- postmodern social theorist Jean communist practices and ideals ery German citizen today is po- complaining about how much tion (wait, does this make it any Baudrillard. In his book The Il- have aroused in the corporate tentially one of our informers. you hate using Facebook. My different from the priest or the lusion of the End, Baudrillard world, particularly in worker- The collective thinking of our recommended action is to cre- therapist?). The moral claim confronts the Hegelian idea corporation relations and the in- people is now complete. Don’t ate an ‘I hate Facebook’ group it sustains is that we are saved of the end of history that is so ternationalist worldview. you think that is the true miracle on Facebook – in harmony with by Facebook from the terrors of popular today and dismisses the In a similar vein, I believe of the Third Reich? […] Noth- the colossal irony of the post- isolation and social outcast. Marxist concept of the dustbins that fascism, after its supposed ing is impossible in this Ger- modern world in which we live. But just as it is foolish to of history. History isn’t going death in 1945, having been many”. Replace ‘German’ with And if it already exists, just join think that everyone who lived anywhere, and what doesn’t universally declared as a fail- ‘American’ (or ‘world’) and it and turn it into the Facebook before (or who lives now with- work in the past is not dis- ure by the allied forces in the ‘Third Reich’ with ‘democratic group with the biggest number out) Christianity is evil, it is missed by society but is kept in Yalta Conference on behalf of capitalism’ and it sounds like a of followers. equally foolish to think that the collective unconscious and humanity, has also returned out CEO of a multinational corpora- page 12 the paper november 17, 2010 Compulsively obsessing over being obsessive-compulsive an editor shares her obsessive thoughts by Sarah Madges ridges?? I neglected the dinner feet any time we saw any kind of I was still compiling a list of quickly for my liking. NEWS CO-EDITOR I was making to clean up what bug. Our typical procedure was things to include in my article. “Wait, you knew??” This past Tuesday I agreed had to be mouse poop with the to take a picture with my digital “What other things do I get As soon as I got to the print to write an Edit, thinking I’d Clorox disinfectant wipes I keep camera, zoom in, and then look weird about?” I asked fellow shop, I looked up the symp- explain the apparent drunk- conveniently on our counter and up at least twenty examples of editor, Chris. toms. Obsessive-Compulsive prank-phenomenon of slather- sighed in relief, my heart’s pal- bed bug images on Google. We “What about your emergen- Disorder is an anxiety disorder ing honey on a drunken heap of pitations slowing to their nor- found ourselves arguing about cy hairbrush?” he asked, refer- characterized by uncontrol- a friend’s face, and then placing mal rate. whether or not heads and tho- ring to the fold-up brush I keep lable, unwanted thoughts and shaved pubes on top—called It was about then that I real- raxes were segmented at least in my purse at all times. It never repetitive, ritualized behaviors “Gorilla Face”—and other such ized I have quite a few little ritu- a hundred times before we col- occurred to me that I do get rath- one feels compelled to per- escapades young hooligans per- als that could perhaps provide lapsed in disinfected, hopefully er compulsive about its usage. I form. Apparently if you have it form. I soon realized, however, an amusing Edit— something un-infested heaps at about six in also organize my bookshelf by you often recognize that your that most of the pranks out there about apartment paranoia or the morning. genre and keep every journal compulsions are irrational, but suck (like, “Let’s draw a dick on the like. It didn’t take me long Last night my mother called I’ve fi lled since seventh grade you feel unable to resist them. his face with a Sharpie! He’ll be to collect examples. The move- me because she was hopped up in a box, in chronological order. Obsessions and compulsions so confused hahaha!”). While in to our apartment this I also keep every letter ever include excessive double- brainstorming another topic summer coincided with given to me in fi ve four-inch checking of things (like locks or and pacing around my kitchen I the departing tenants’ last binders and have a collection appliances), repeatedly check- noticed a bunch of dirty dishes days of a bed bug extermi- of “memory boxes” fi lled ing in on loved ones, spending that hadn’t been placed in the nation. Accordingly, for with bottle caps and other a lot of time washing or clean- dishwasher, even though it was the fi rst few days after we useless items, and… That’s ing, arranging things “just so,” empty. And then I opened a moved in we kept most of when I pieced it together: accumulating junk such as old drawer (just because) and no- our belongings in plastic my dad micromanages every newspapers and magazines you Preparations for ticed tiny chocolate brown pel- bags, and arranged our second of his day, beginning don’t have any use for, and fear a morning omlette. lets of poo scattered near our furniture with a fi ve-inch with his necessary morning of contamination or contami- six-box collection of aluminum buffer zone between them ritual of a four o’clock bike nating others. Finding that most foil. “Katie, will you take a and the baseboards. We might on Percocet, cleaning the kitch- ride and a reading of the entire of these symptoms matched look at these feces?” also have scrubbed down the en and washing the windows at newspaper; and Mom just real- my own behavior— which I’d “Sure!” my sister Katie fl oors and walls and furniture ten at night. “I’m a housewife ized she cleans compulsively; never considered anomalous— piped back, dutifully coming to with alcohol, even after the last now, Sarah!” she exclaimed, and here I was recycling bottles I announced to all the editors in observe the turds I found. She extermination treatment. And referring to how she spends and loading the dish washer at the print shop my new fi nding. couldn’t be sure if they were my roommate Kaitlin might more time cleaning and wash- two A.M. while a party was still No one was the least bit sur- cockroach droppings or mouse also have concocted a plan to be ing windows, etc. and enjoying raging in my apartment. prised by my discovery. poop from the rodent I could’ve perpetually drunk so that if any it than when she had a job. She “I think I might have “You all knew?? And no- sworn I saw scurry across our vestigial bed bugs bit us, they’d modulated her voice and said, O.C.D.,” I told Chris, saying body told me???” I guess this living room the other day. I die instantly. After building less ecstatically, “I think I have the words slowly so that they is how I came out of the O.C.D rushed to the trusty Interwebs. fi ve quality pieces of Scandina- O.C.D.” achieved the proper gravitas. closet… after organizing it. Shit, were the pellets about vian furniture, the two of us re- Skip to this morning when “Yeah,” Chris agreed, too 1/8ths of an inch long with mained vigilant and leapt to our in the land of milf and honey by Chris Gramuglia I’d-like-to-fuck” in pop-culture. in love with her too. Jennifer nance she exhibits over him in gal to support her family, turns STAFF CRADLE ROBBED I remember how much fi na- Coolidge’s character also made the bedroom is essential: it em- to selling drugs—specifi cally It seems like the list of ar- gling it took to get my parents to reoccurring appearances in the phasizes why the MILF is so weed. If you need me to explain chetypes in pop-culture is nev- grant me permission to accom- following American Pie fi lms to taboo. Mrs. Cleary knows she’s to you why the thought of an at- er-ending. We’ve seen centuries pany my brother and his friends the delight of audiences. After hot—almost inaccessible— tractive, older woman dealing of villains, heroes, heroines and to a screening of American Pie. all, who didn’t cheer for Finch making her encounters with drugs is positively titillating you even that sassy friend in rom- I was ten, sitting in the theatre while he got busy with Stifl er’s John all the more risqué‘. should have your head exam- coms who always says some- listening to John Cho and that Mom in the second installment? Second on the list is Mary ined (both of them). In one epi- thing like, “Girl, you should, other guy rave about Stifl er’s I sure as shit did, especially af- Steenburgen’s character in Step sode of Weeds aptly titled Milf like, totally tell him you’re Mom. “Dude, that chicks a ter that nasty bathroom incident Brothers, Nancy Huff. Slightly Money, the neighborhood be- pregnant.” Her sassy asides MILF.” Cho remarked noncha- in AP1. older than the average MILF, gins craving what they call the and witty remarks are limited lantly. In any regard, I’d like to Nancy manages to break up new “MILF weed” and business to scenes in shoe stores or im- “What the hell is that?” That share some personal favorites fi ghts between Dale (John C. soars. Again, a smoking hot for- promptu lunches at Au Bon other guy-- who apparently nev- of mine—three MILFS in pop- Reilly) and Brennan (Will Fer- ty-something year old woman Pan, but you’ve seen her. If you er got a call back for Harold and culture that have recently taken rell) while looking pretty hot who does illegal shit with a se- haven’t, sit down for a screening Kumar Go to White Castle-- the character to new heights. the entire time. The most clear ductive smile on her face simply of Confessions of a Shopaholic was standing there, perplexed. The list has to start with Jane evidence of Nancy’s MILF sta- has to be on this list. or The Switch and keep your “M- I- L- F,” Cho retorted in Seymour’s portrayal of Kath- tus comes from Dales “fear” of So that’s it. Those are my top eyes peeled. Nonetheless, each the tone of a frat-boy on Viagra, leen Cleary in Wedding Crash- her coming on to him. At one three MILFS from the past few and every one of these memora- “mom I’d like to fuck!” ers. Although technically a point he worries, “Suppose years, but this is not to say that ble characters possesses some- And with that, the MILF cougar ( cougars make the fi rst Nancy sees me coming out of MILF culture is losing its steam thing wonderfully distinct about suddenly went mainstream. move, whereas MILFs are typi- the shower and decides to come or that these are the only three. them—an aura that makes them There were brief glimpses cally sought after by a younger onto me[…] I’m looking good, I came across an article called pop off the page or the screen. of the MILF in Greek mytholo- friend of her son or daughter), got a luscious ‘v’ of hair going The Milf Era is Over while put- The character that piqued gy—the fi rst being Oedipus and Kat Cleary embodied the for- through my chest pubes down ting together this short list and my interest recently, however, Jocasta, gross as it was--but the bidden sex-appeal of the MILF to my ball fro[…] She takes one in it the author suggested we was not the quintessential com- 1999 fi lm was the fi rst to rock- and also the ability to make cer- look at me[…] and grabs my use other terms like BOIRS panion in the rom-com, or the et her into the public domain. tain that her husband, Secretary wiener.” Dale’s anxiety about (Business Owner I’d Respect- lurking psychopath, or even the Now, the term MILF has been Cleary (Christopher Walken) such (amazing) events showcas- fully Seduce) and 3B’S (Baby Hugh-Jackman-hero with the used in television on such shows was completely oblivious to her es the intimidation associated Boomer Beauty). Rather than fuel-injected biceps that saves as Weeds, 30 Rock and Scrubs. behavior. The scene where she with having a hot older woman harp on how lame these names the day, everyday. It’s a much The concept itself was no doubt insists that John Ryan (Owen lurking about his house, but also are, I’ll reaffi rm that the MILF more subtle type of character the inspiration for the Fountains Wilson) feel her recently en- a subtle desire for some kind of is still going strong, and that the that traverses genres as a fi xture of Wayne song Stacy’s Mom. hanced breasts is textbook encounter with her. next time you’re mowing her in novels, movies and even T.V. “I know it might be wrong,” MILF. Boyishly uncomfortable, Last on the list is Nancy lawn and she asks if you want shows. If you haven’t fi gured it the song went, “but I’m in love Ryan obliges, later remarking to Botwin from Weeds. Played by to meet her for lemonade in the out yet, I’m talking about the with Stacy’s mom.” Let me be Jeremy Grey (Vince Vaughan) Mary-Louise Parker, Nancy is kitchen, you should totally say MILF. That’s right, I said it; I’m clear: after watching the music that, “Claire’s mom just made a widow who, instead of doing yes. talking about the best “moms- video as a fi fteen-year old, I was me feel her hooters.” The domi- something—I don’t know—le- Core-pe Diemnovember 17, 2010 the paper page 13 Core Curriculum Seizes Love of Learning and Won’t Let Go by Laurend Duca it). But that joke’s gotten old, to use Latin for? Yeah, I choose with the hour and fi fteen minute any sort of material art. I’m not STAFF SMARTYPANTS and the real reason is that exit to take it, but how about, well, kinematics tutorial which was one of those people that stands I’m a nerd, and not in the level Italian, where I was placed, any other language? How many intended to carry us through the and stares in appreciation at a sexy Halloween costume way. I would have had its way with times do you hear “adults” say, entire semester. I earned myself couple of geometric shapes on do things like get excited about me, and I simple couldn’t take “I learned Spanish in college, an A minus by scoring a series a canvas. In fact, sometimes I especially precise metaphors, it. I’d gotten through 5 years in but it’s all gone now.” It’s all of high D’s and low C’s that think abstract artists and rich sometimes I even read books high school with a lot of glitter gone. Unless you’re constantly got curved up because every- people have conspired to make no one assigned me to read, and glue and colorful maps, which interacting with people who one else’s grades were their age the rest of us feel stupid when once I even went to the library I wisely labeled “Italia,” and fl uently speak Spanish, that’s plus or minus fi ve. In order to we’re uninspired by bullshit for fun. (Most of the time) I’m so presented with a diagnostic what happens— it fades when compensate, the professor as- things like bits of aluminum not topless, wearing pigtails, quiz on day one of Italian 2001, you “grow up,” along with your signed a series of extra credit foil glued to a mattress. Maybe knee socks, and half a plaid I sono corruto, (which is Italian tolerance for loud music and projects, which were presented that’s art— who am I to say?— skirt, but I enjoy discussions in for “ran the fuck out of the class propensity for having fun. I’m during class. One girl, in order but this was truly beautiful. I had my 8:30 ethics class, as long as room”). not saying learning a language to prove the existence of global to be dragged away from Apollo I’ve had at least twenty ounces Anyways, here I am now, in isn’t valuable. It totally is, and warming, actually made a pow- and Daphne. I fell in love with of coffee beforehand, and I’m my third semester of everyone’s there should always be the op- er point that included pictures Bernini, and I am excited to actually a little excited to write favorite dead language. For tion to take language classes, of tearful polar bears fl oating learn more about his work to the ten-to-twelve page paper every class we have to trans- but why do I HAVE to take around on ice cubes. I’d sign in satisfy my own curiosity, to de- due Monday morning for family late a chapter of Eutropius’s them? My Italian teacher used and then pretend to be leaving velop a new lens through which psych. The point is: I really love Brevarium and get called on to to write “in bocca al lupo” on for the bathroom, and just not to view sculpture, and to share the actual school part of school translate at random. I translate top of all of our tests. It means, come back. my knowledge with others. (…and the un-school part, but only the fi rst sentence and then “in the mouth of the wolf.” It’s I have to admit, that felt I want to learn, Fordham. I that’s irrelevant). I am actively volunteer. It’s brilliant: appear- an idiom, which means ‘good wasteful. Those were expensive want to grow and go and set the involved in the classes I like, in ing eager while actually being luck’ for Italians. And, honestly, naps I was taking, if you consid- world on fi re. I want to dedicate and out of the classroom I do my lazy. I did once study for Latin I’m going to need a whole lot of er the actual cost of each indi- myself to every class that comes work and am always prepared, for 128 minutes straight, but by luck to fi nish Latin with a de- vidual class being skipped. I felt between me and the real world, not for a grade, but because I ‘studied,’ I mean, ‘watched The cent grade, because right now guilty, but I was getting nothing but I’m having a lot of trouble genuinely enjoy expanding and Dead Poet’s Society.’ They say doing any work for that class is out of it. I hate Latin, but I need doing that when those classes sharing my philosophical, psy- “carpe diem” a whole lot in that about as enjoyable as being in to be there to write down trans- are the bane of my existence. chological, or literary knowl- movie, which I’m pretty sure the mouth of a wolf. lations so I can memorize them I understand that we need to edge— whatever the case may literally translates to “seize the My gripe extends beyond for our quizzes. At least there’s be well-rounded, that we need be. I invest 110% of myself into carp.” language classes. Last year, to some sort of extrinsic motiva- to “get a taste” of everything dynamically understanding ob- My professor last year told satisfy my natural science re- tion in that. But there was ab- academia has to offer, but I’ve jective subjects and developing us that we could look cool at quirement, I took environmen- solutely no reason to sit through gotten 2.75 semesters worth of personal viewpoints on subjec- cocktail parties by waiting for tal physics. Environmental environmental physics, and “a taste” of Latin, and I’m start- tive ones. But then there are somebody to say “carpe diem,” physics, as the name implies, when a student who loves the ing to feel nauseous. I can say classes like Latin, where I do as and then responding, “Quam is the application of physics to school part of school as much with some conviction that I will little as possible and sometimes minimum credula postero,” the environment. So you may as I do is leaving class, there’s very defi nitely never ever use less. which means, “Seize the day, think that some sort of previous defi nitely something wrong. Latin or environmental physics Why do I take Latin? I’ve trusting as little as possible in physics would be required in or- I’m taking an art history in a real world setting… except been asked that quite a few the future.” But since the clos- der to take the course. It wasn’t, class on Bernini next semester maybe when I need to fi gure out times, and sometimes I respond est I’ve ever gotten to a cocktail yet we were expected to have to satisfy my 3rd EP (don’t even the best way to light my copy of by saying I’d like to be able to party is mixing vodka and diet knowledge of an entire year of ask, Seniors.) It’s going to be a Eutropius’s Breviarium on fi re. impress the person behind me Pepsi in a martini glass, I don’t high school physics. I’d taken lot of work, but I almost can’t in line when I click the “Latin” think that phrase is going to that entire year of high school wait for it to begin. I went to the language option on the ATM in come in handy for me any time physics, so I was fi ne, but the Borghese gallery this summer, Vatican City. (It’s real, Google soon. So then, what am I going rest of the class didn’t do so well and I’ve never been so drawn to Porn-Crazy, Crazy Porn Adventures in The Underbelly of the Internet by Matt W.T. Hat to lecture you on the best way to the beginning of 2006 and the have suddenly enveloped man- avert most internet disasters and STAFF occupy yourself with Stumble- end of 2007), I also noticed that kind at this time. So, during it goes something like this: Sunday night – the time dur- Upon, how to avoid those hun- 2girls1cup was most popular at your next hopeless and pathetic Step 1) Hide yo wife. ing the collegiate week in which gry trolls, how to join those al- the end of 2007 in both Norway Sunday night, before collapsing Step 2) Hide yo kids. papers are hurriedly written, ready under the bridge, or how and Richardson, Texas, while catatonically onto Facebook or Step 3) Hide yo husband. procrastinated studying is fi nal- to play Farmville. No, what penis came to its highest popu- StumbleUpon, you will see like Step 4) ???? ly taken off the back burner, and I am here to describe has a far larity of all time in the begin- I have seen that in all veracity, Step 5) Profi t. for those lucky enough to not greater impact on the internet in ning of 2006, and is cherished we are due for the largest of all With no one to participate in be bothered by Monday classes its entirety, and it all started with by the Indonesians. internet phases to ever plague the craze there will be none; you (lucky assholes), it’s a time to Google Trends on that Sunday Now, there must have been us. can keep your useless Farmville catch up on sleep after a week- night. That’s right, I’m speak- some catalyst, some under- At this rate, during 2011 or accounts, your beloved, shoddy end of festivities. ing of The Great Porn Crazes of ground force that began this. 2012, Google trends will show YouTube vlogs, and your sick Then there’s Google Trends. 2006 and 2007. The usual internet groups were, far greater numbers for The obsessions with drunkenly Like YouTube, StumbleUpon, Unbeknownst to many, an as expected, not willing to col- Third Great Porn Craze than stumbling all over the internet to Facebook, or chatroulette/ odd phenomenon is accessible laborate in my research. From were ever accounted for by any learn how to make your life bet- omegle (RIP), Google Trends when researching anything Anonymous, Ebaum’s World, previous phenomenon of the ter while you ironically spend is one of those select websites sexual--from your common, and SomethingAwful, I got internet. The combined vichys- too much time on your comput- which can be used and abused household pornographic terms many helpful remarks such soise of everything brought to ers to do that anyway. For when for hours on end, transforming to virtually every word submit- as: “LOLOLOL I TROLL U,” the limelight by the internet will our time comes, we will be pre- the ambitious, unsuspecting stu- ted to Urban Dictionary includ- “287000000 GET!!,” and links be dwarfed by the sheer number pared to combat the unexpected dent into a slave to the complex ing but certainly not limited to: to horrible, horrible things. So of shock sites, online fetish- result of too much anal fi sting, and omnipotent attraction that Mr. Hands, Cleveland Steamer, it was up to me again to fi nish site passes, and tidal waves of and it will be a glorious day for the internet so valiantly radi- and the infamous alligator fuck- what I began. Upon comparing free trials that will most likely humankind. ates. Even the most auspicious house. The various shock vid- the two porn crazes by including divide the internet by zero in Graphical of you have more than likely eos, obscure sex acts, and sim- every term from a given direc- mankind’s fi nal, horrifi c tribu- representation found yourself ready and raring ple, poorly named innuendos tory site using Google Trends, I lation. But fret not my fellow of reprehensible to read one or two of DesCartes’ that are fi led away on UD all found the catalyst, the missing peers; see how we can make a conduct. Meditations on your bed, when seem to be traceable to one of puzzle piece, and the spark that stand against the inevitable af- you swear you can hear your two distinct points in time with- brought the 2006 craze into be- tershock that will undoubtedly laptop quietly whisper, “Why in the past four years. But the ing. Taboo as it is, I was startled stand in our wake, for I am from don’t you come have a seat over analysis available in tracking to see the results for anal fi sting the internet and am well-versed here. I have the Facebook mes- these trends goes even further. on google.com/trends, as you in the protocol for such emer- sage logs.” Upon noting that there have will also likely be shocked at the gencies. There’s a simple pro- But, I digress. I’m not here been two Great Porn Crazes (in sudden depravity that seems to cedure that can be followed to page 14 the paper november 17, 2010 Fear and Sanity in washington, d.c. Timothy Bridge hitches a ride from huffington to D.C. rally by Timothy Bridge the two got a permit, forcing what was predicted to be about Fox (Faux) News in general, or of “Fear” and “Sanity”. It refut- STAFF them to settle on one rally: “The 100,000 on the National Mall. a mandate to legalize marijuana. ed the insinuation that all Mus- On August 28th, 2010, Fox Rally to Restore Sanity and/or So I whipped out my “Legalize It was wonderful. lims were evil by bringing out News pundit, radio show host, Fear”. The rally got national Gay Pot” sign and readied for Then the rally began, and I Kareem Abdul-Jabar, and the and moronic idiot Glenn Beck attention— even Oprah got in intense amounts of entertain- started to wonder if it was re- insinuation that all robot were held a rally in D.C. entitled on sending her audience to the ment. ally being hosted by Jon Stew- evil with a cameo from R2-D2. “Restoring Honor”. The point rally. People seemed to be torn Upon arrival, it was clear art and Stephen Colbert or by It only got serious at the end, of the rally was to encourage about the idea of Jon Stewart, a that the estimate was a bit all the guests they’d invited. with a twelve minute speech America to turn back to Beck’s comedian, leading people into smaller than the actual crowd in There was music provided by from Stewart, which was inspi- version of God in order to save a lighter, less angry place. The attendance. After squeezing my The Roots, John Legend, Yusef rational, rational, and in no way it from the brink of Socialism/ people of America have every way through the throngs as far Islam (formerly Cat Stevens), jabbing the right or the left but Totalitarianism/ Marxism/ Mao- right to be disappointed with as I could, I was only still bare- Ozzy Osbourne, Kid Rock, Sh- ridiculing those who think the ism/ Fascism/ Naziism— in the way the nation is handling ly able to see the second row of eryl Crow, Jeff Tweedy, Mavis only solution to the problems short, to stop the destruction of the economic situation: with an big screens projecting the go- Staples, 4Troops, The O’Jays, our nation is facing is by yelling the American values which the ineffective, polarized congress, ings-on on the stage in front of and Tony Bennett. Law & Order and blaming one side or the oth- Founding Fathers put forth in an increasingly less enthused the Capitol Building. Looking actor Sam Waterson read a witty er. It makes sense. As Stewart the name of Our Lord and Sav- and rousing president, and a ris- around me, I noticed a pattern: poem written about fear by Ste- said, “We know, instinctively, ior Jesus Christ. An overhead ing Tea Party movement which the signs being carried were ei- phen Colbert, SNL classic char- as a people, that if we are to get estimate of 87,000 was suppos- fl irts with crossing the line from ther shots at Glenn Beck, Sarah acter Father Guido Sarducci through the darkness and back edly not accurate enough for passion into pure anger, hatred, Palin, Christine O’Donnel and gave a goofy benediction to be- into the light, we have to work Beck, who claimed there were and racism. But it would be lot gin the rally, and together. And the truth is, there really 600,000 plus people in more politically productive to Mythbusters hosts will always be darkness. And attendance. I guess he won a live in a society where every- Adam Savage and sometimes the light at the end “How many gumballs are in this one discussed things rationally, Jamie Hyneman- of the tunnel isn’t the Promised jar?” contest in the fi fth grade, instead of loudly. lead a stupid little LandSometimes, it’s just New therefore making his count I myself was intrigued by experiment all be- Jersey.” more reliable than any profes- the idea of the rally, and, since fore anything got Essentially, we need to be sional company’s. I am a fan of The Daily Show, I started. rational. We need to strive for A few short weeks later, decided I had to journey down Overall, the settling in New Jersey lest we political comedian, The Daily to D.C. So at three in the morn- rally was a com- overshoot and end up in Ari- Show host, and head of the ing on October 30th, me and edy show. Any zona, and that fascist America is self-proclaimed “Best Fucking some friends Ram Van-ed into insinuation of it not the country our forefathers News Team” Jon Stewart an- the city (still in somewhat of being a political envisioned. nounced that he would be hold- drunken stupor) and took a train rally or a call to ing a rally in D.C. as well, called out to Citi Field, where Ariana action is just silly. Ed. Note: Last issue’s “The “The Rally to Restore Sanity.” Huffi ngton was nice enough to It dealt with cur- Rent is too Damn High” ar- Subsequently, eleven P.M. time- offer us and about 3,000 others rent issues with ticle was wrongly attributed to slot-sharer and political satirist a free ride to the nation’s capi- comedic rhetoric Timothy Bridge instead of Matt Stephen Colbert of The Colbert tal. The bus ride provided a nice from Colbert and Winter, the actual author. the Report announced his “March four hour rest, and upon arrival, a mock award paper recoils in shame. to Keep Fear Alive”. Together I was energized enough to join show for leaders The Spectacle in the Dark by J.K. Lolling whiskey was smashed against interloper’s claim. He was, in wall. “How’re you doing?” to question what could only be STAFF SPOOKY-SCARY the wall, but the size of the fact, a spooky fucking ghost. “I’m living, Jesus, you wan- called the literal Word of the The day was fi nally over, puddle beneath glass showed “Yo you asshole, I just told na do some of this cracker’s Lord. So, at their insistence, and having no idea what was in me little had been wasted. I, you I’m a spooky fucking ghost. coke?” I kicked in an offi ce door and store, I was thanking the fucking on the other hand, was very What the fuck you got to say to “You know, Ghosty, I’m all began heaping papers and furni- Lord. An afternoon of meeting wasted, but at fi fty-k per stu- that? set,” Jesus said, smiling. “Eh, ture into the center of the room. with arrogant trustees, sniveling dent, I could afford spackle. I I was struck. Though I spent maybe just a little guy.” With Jesus and Ghosty encour- vice presidents, goonie deans took another pull of cocaine, re- much of my time considering Ghosty, Jesus and I spent the aging me I used the fi le for and loutish boosters and I was moved another bottle from my the role of zombies, immortal better part of an hour polishing sophomore Richard O’Dell to absolutely burnt out. I told my bar and slipped the booze and men and ghosts in my life, I had off the rest of the confi scated light up a fresh doobie, and then secretary to go home for the day, some confi scated drugs into the never expected to see one with cocaine. Between thunder- I torched that motherfucker. I locked the door, and pulled out a pockets of my vestments. It was my living eyes. Assuming I ous pulls and discussions of repeated the process in some bottle of Old Overholt from in- time for me to tour the grounds. was dreaming, I took a healthy our emotionally distant fathers, select offi ces and then, pulling side my globe bar, which I keep It was late on a weeknight, whiff of my crucifi x to clear Ghosty (whom I had gradually my collar up against the cold for just such occasions. I took so those pitiful lemmings squan- my senses, but the ensuing rush discnered may have been Holy) and my returning sobriety, I re- down the neck of the bottle of dering their parents’ money on confi rmed my waking state. and Jesus jabberingly explained turned to my offi ce to straighten rye and began fumbling in my cheap booze and the opportu- “Wh-what do you want?” I to me why they were here. my affairs for the next day. desk for the large bag of cocaine nity to copulate were mostly stammered, reluctant to validate “Daddy-O,” Ghosty said, Closing down my computer that had been confi scated from off in bars or fast asleep. I let this situation by engaging. “We need your help to kill the I noticed one errant email from a freshman. The young man myself into my favorite build- “I want yo ass, you honky fucking Devil.” my Dean of Students, saying had been kicked off campus and ing, a domineering stone mono- old motherfucker, now gimme “I don’t understand,” I told simply placed on probation, but not ex- lith whose handsome phallicism some of that whiskey,” them. “How do I help killing “Father- That coke we pelled. I reasoned anyone who always brings a twinkle to my The ghost had a compelling the Devil?” found is cut with at least half could get their hands on coke of scrot, and began to meander at a manner, and I have made it a “The Fucking Devil,” PCP. I did two lines and spent this grade will go far in fi nance, comfortable pace. I spent some policy to avoid upsetting the su- Ghosty corrected. the entire afternoon tripping and the alumni offi ce needs that time walking through the beau- pernatural, so I acquiesced. The “How do I help killing the balls and tongue-kissing my sort of people. I sucked up a tiful corridors, swilling whiskey ghost took a generous pull and fucking Devil?” I repeated. dog. Stay away.” pencil-sized line, took a long and doing key bumps off the handed me the bottle. “He lives right in this build- As I looked out towards swig of Overholt and threw my long end of my crucifi x, when “Finish that shit,” he told ing,” Jesus told me. “And we the fl ickering edifi ce that had head back in pure ecstasy. This suddenly I was struck by a rus- me, and I obliged. “Jesus, get need you to burn this mother to been the pride of our academic may have been excessive, but tling behind me. yo ass the fuck out here!” The the ground.” institutions and heard the far- my occupation is stressful, and “Boo, I’m a spooky fucking ghost yelled, resonating through Jesus and Ghosty ex- away whistle of distant sirens, when you eliminate masturba- ghost you jive motherfucker” the darkened corridors. plaind to me the complex, con- I sighed deeply and decided: tion a man’s options for relief I turned around to challenge “What’s up Ghosty?” said vulted reasoning behind this Tomorrow was going to be a no become limited. the wayward and obviously Jesus, emerging in simple robes to me, and though I had some good, very bad, day. I awoke from my blackout misguided student, only to be and glowing faintly from what trouble following, I didn’t feel around 2 a.m. The bottle of struck by the veracity of my had hitherto been a solid granite as though I was in any place november 17, 2010 the paper page 15 arts

by Sean Bandfi eld ally using his police access to the zombie-infested streets. merely exploit 1,001 gruesome like the father and son who take STAFF MUSTACHIOED equip them with guns and sup- As the second episode ends, ways to dispose of the undead. Grimes in. We learn that the ZOMBIE plies from his abandoned sta- Grimes and his team head out However, the show goes beyond man’s wife has become a zom- he folks at AMC are living tion. From there, Grimes goes into the countryside to see who these all too typical approaches, bie, and we see the dilemma be- Tthe life these days. With his own way in search of his else they can fi nd. instead examining the human tween his need to kill the walk- critically acclaimed shows like wife and son, heading to nearby Although the show is only struggles and complexities that ers and his inability to harm his Mad Men and Breaking Bad, a Atlanta and the quarantine zone two episodes in, it demonstrates result from, well, a zombie take- wife, living or undead. In the legion of top quality writers and he believes to be there. Upon en- great potential. Certainly, the over. second episode, Grimes has to actors, and a host of awards, tering the city, however, Grimes production is fi lm worthy – the neutralize racial tensions in the they’re on top of their game is ambushed by a horde of the zombie make-up is very con- group that arise between a black and they know it. The recent walking dead – or “walkers,” vincing and increasingly gory, man and a very one-sided racist acclaim and subsequent confi - as they’ll come to be called. He enough to placate even the most (whose lack of depth as a char- dence is probably what led them narrowly escapes into a nearby demanding and seasoned of hor- acter is a weak point in the epi- to decide to broadcast The Walk- military tank, but his horse ror junkies (myself included). sode). As this is going on, sur- ing Dead. “Screw it,” they said. doesn’t get away in quite one The acting, for the most part, is vivors in the other group who “We’re gonna make a show piece. With Grimes apparently also notable, although the sec- had certain relationships with about zombies.” trapped, a voice calling for the ond episode wasn’t totally with- Grimes, not knowing that he’s The Walking Dead chron- “dumbass” in the tank crackles out some melodramatic perfor- still alive, become romantically icles the efforts of police offi - on the radio, and the credits roll. mances and overacted clichés. tangled with each other. cer Rick Grimes and his fellow In the second episode, Most notable, however, At its core, The Walking non-undead cohorts to survive Grimes escapes the tank and are the characters and writing, Dead is a show about people in in a post-zombie-apocalyptic manages to meet up with a band and in excelling in these re- an extreme circumstance; in this America. (Anyone not wanting of survivors struggling to fi ght spects, the show mirrors much case, that circumstance just hap- to read a brief synopsis of the off the continuous onslaught of of AMC’s other programming. pens to be a zombie apocalypse. show thus far should skip this the undead. Meanwhile, on the For a show about zombies, The Since the show is still in its be- paragraph and the next.) In the outskirts of the city, another Walking Dead is surprisingly ginning stages, there are many fi rst episode, Grimes awakes group of survivors – including human oriented, and accord- issues yet to explore, and cer- from unconsciousness in a hos- Grimes’ former police part- ingly it distinguishes itself. In tainly room for improvement. pital, only to discover, a la 28 ner – do their best to maintain a market agog with vampires So although it’s too early to Days Later, that his town has their makeshift community and other forms of the paranor- The fi rst episode, for ex- make any conclusive judgment been taken over by zombies, while keeping watch for walk- mal, and with zombies enjoy- ample, is surprisingly slowly on the merits of the show, the who have most courteously left ers and trying to fi nd other sur- ing a popular resurgence as of paced; not boring, but not fi rst two episodes, despite their a mass of blood and chewed vivors through the radio. In the late, The Walking Dead could overly energized in the way we shortcomings, certainly provid- fl esh in their wake. Grimes gets city, Grimes establishes himself easily follow form and focus might expect from such a show. ed an agreeable introduction to taken in by a father and son as the group’s new leader and on the characters’ mere instinc- This pacing allows the viewer to a show that has a lot of promise. team of zombie-killers, eventu- helps them to break free from tive urge to survive, or could spend time with the characters, Errbody's Shore is Trryna be Joisey by Dan Yacovino off Lake Shore. sexualities in a show that would personalities) to draw a men- can always attract you literary STAFF DANNI SWEET- While groups fumed over be more akin to The Real World tal connection between MTV’s types as well since the guidette/ HEART the Italian-American stereo- than Jersey Shore -- but “shore” hit and any new program with starlette is penning the Great I’m one of the fi rst to defend types The Situation and Snook- is in both titles so that’s a moot a semblance of similarity. Los American Novel to be released MTV’s Jersey Shore as quality ie might have been spouting, point. Angeles will house these eight in January (that’s a spin-off too, television; it’s not for the merit the racial generalizing has been The Canadians aren’t the “beautiful Asian-Americans right?). (DJ) Paul(y D)elVec- of the characters but for the sole fully endorsed by Lake Shore’s only ones to latch on to the J- with lively, strong, and unique chio will also be gracing our comedic value of their actions. creators. The promotional Shore bandwagon. Triple threat personalities between the ages televisions now that fi lming for Also, it’s because I enjoy recog- video for the show introduces actor/singer/rapper Tyrese Gib- of 18 to 30 with equally inter- Season 3 has fi nished. Follow- nizing places along the Seaside “The Turk,” “The Albanian,” son has casted his Asian-themed esting life stories and perspec- ing the Voice of Reason as he boardwalk that I know from “The Pole,” “The Lebanese,” reality show K-Town in hopes of tives to share” as the casting spins his way across the U.S. childhood beach vacations. The “The Jew,” “The Italian,” “The channeling the MTV hit. The call describes them. Though, if and even over the Canadian lovable cast of liquored-up mis- Vietnamese,” and “The Czech” cast includes an overly muscu- the LAPD is anything like the border, Pauly D will entertain fi ts club-hopping, crying and Seaside Heights police depart- crowds, go clubbing and fl irt brawling amongst each other ment (and let’s be honest, this with the ladies -- because none and various inebriated enemies is one of the biggest threats to of those things will get old fl y- has garnered top ratings for the public well-being since the ing solo. MTV for the past two seasons riots) all offi cers will sure be on All in all, the MTV staff is across two states. If there’s one ehhFuck, eh? watch for these original charac- trying to squeeze blood out of a thing TV execs love more than ters. stone now that Angelina is done the latest Nielson sweeps rat- For the purists out there for, Sammi Sweetheart walked ings or heaps of cocaine, it’s a you can always reconnect with off in the middle of fi lming sea- show that causes drama. your favorite Jerseyshorians son 3 of Jersey Shore (I really The brains behind Jersey before Season 3 kicks off (and hope Season 4 takes place in Shore and various groups repre- say goodbye to Sammi Sweet- Naples or Sicily or something) senting Italian-Americans have heart, kids). America’s darling and Pauly D is over 30 now. clashed in the past for the cast’s Snookie and J-Woww have But when in doubt, go North. use of the word ‘guido’ and de- been offered a gig (which J- Wicked Summer is currently piction of Italian-American cul- Woww was later kicked out of) casting from the pool of 18-30 ture. But leave it to the Canadi- for a spin-off series based on year olds that fi ll up every other ans to push the envelope. While as characters that we will learn lar gentleman and (vertically) their lives together as friends MTV show, but the twist being the Jersey shore invokes the to love and love to hate over down-to-earth young lady clear- looking for a juicehead guido they don’t pronounce their Rs. pounding thud of techno beats the course of the show’s sea- ly meant to inspire fl ashbacks to accompany them to romantic On the other hand they might and an orange-tinted world, our son. Rather than stick with one of The Situation and Snookie, locales such as half-price tan- just play a rerun of Real World neighbors to the North have cre- racial stereotype, Lake Shore (who, each in their own right, ning days and the liquor store. Boston and see if anyone notic- atively named their new spin- generalizes multiple races and have made a killing off their, um, The proposed Snookie Show es, though most might prefer it. page 16 the paper november 17, 2010 GO TO Tasteful Bush George Dubya’s Memoir a Real Snooze by George Washington himself extol upon his history. dispositions and habits, which STAFF EXPENSIVELY With a cavalcade of lead to political prosperity, Re- TOLLED BRIDGE horns and drums ushering in ligion and Morality are indis- Friends and fellow citizens, the spirit of Patriotism, Bush’s pensable supports; the mere events The period since a new southern drawl carries us forth Politician, equally with the pi- citizen was elected to offi ce, to into a world of superfi cial re- ous man, ought to respect and administer the executive gov- fl ection. He indulges his com- to cherish them. But did he re- ernment of the United States, ing-up tale as one of a scruffy ally need to on so much about having been not far distant, the son of Midland, Texas; which, the born-again Christian thing? time has actually arrived for while he arguably did grow up I needn’t rant about my rela- the former executive George in Midland, Texas, does not tionship with His Greatness to W. Bush to release his refl ec- acknowledge at all whom his soak my parchment and please tions on time served. It appears father is. In fact, when describ- my publisher. Even his most to me proper, especially as it ing his decision to apply to Yale outrageous drinking tales are ut- may conduce to a more distinct University, he complains that he terly tiresom, so much so I had expression of book purchases was fi ghting against the insidi- to down a Lok to get excited to by University students, that I ous wiles of Yale’s acceptance read poorly constructed lines should now apprize you of the boards, his middling grades and like, “I had worked up a thirst, poor family ties most likely pre- which I quenched with multiple Whassup Ya’ll - review I have formed. I beg venting him from entering the bourbons and sevens. As we Speak more Spanglish, check out the sweet architecture on you at the same time to do me world of University; this struck were eating I turned to a beauti- campus and in our neighborhood once it snows, at which the justice of being assured that me as odd considering earlier ful friend of mothers and dad’s point you can really see the defi ned lines of the buildings. If this review has not been written in the book, he went on and and asked a boozy question: so, you haven’t spent at least ten minutes stoned on the corner without a strict regard to all the on about how his grandfather what is sex like after 50?” of East Fordham Road and Bathgate watching the color pro- considerations appertaining to and father attended Yale, which Perhaps the book is dull gressions of the blinking AudioMaxx sign, you’re missing out the relation which binds a duti- because, as Bush so on the best free entertainment around. If you’re still bored, ful citizen and his plainly identifi es, the you can get all up in that city down there and check out Cuba, country; and that personal stakes of his Soul Music, Poetry (Spanglish there too). Keep things goin’! in critiquing this presidency were not - K.C. memoir, which might imply po- very high. Bush writes, “So, what is sex litical partisan- “Even if I lost I would like after 50?” ship or “acting still have a wonderful life: my family loved What: Cuba in Revolution like a total jerk,” me, I would be gov- Where: International Center of Photography I am infl uenced ernor of a great state, When: Now until January 9, 2011 by no zealous and I would never HOWMUCH: $8 requests by Matt have had to wonder Why: Come see this collection of 180 photographs documenting Lauer to be inter- what might have been. The Cuban Revolution of 1959. Tracing the movement from the viewed regard- ‘When my time is up,’ triumphal entry of the rebels into Havana on January 1, 1959 to ing Matt Lauer’s I would tell friends, the abortive Bay of Pigs invasion in 1961 and the Cuban Missile interview with ‘my dance card is Crisis of October 1962, this exhibition shows the tremendous in- Kanye West re- going to be full.’” fl uence of photography in recording and encouraging the revolu- garding Matt Speaking as George tionary movement in Cuba. Of the rare vintage prints are Alberto Lauer’s interview Washington, I fi nd that Korda’s famous portrait of Che Guevara “Heroic Guerrilla” and with George W. apathy quite a bit vile. never-before-seen images of Che’s death in Bolivia in 1967. Viva Bush, nor defi - Further, Bush’s de- Castro. ciency of grateful respect for Bar- scriptions for why he chose to run such as, “I What: DON’T GIVE UP ON ME: A TRIBUTE TO SOLOMON bara Bush’s past felt a drive to do more BURKE kindness, but am with my life, to push Where: Bowery Poetry Club supported by a my potential and test When: Sunday Nov. 21, 9pm full conviction my skills at the high- HOWMUCH: FREE that this step is would have made George W. est level,” and, “I had watched Why: You’ll hear songs and feel the sentiment of the Southern compatible with both the author Bush quite the legacy. dad climb into the biggest arena Style Easy Sleazy Bluesy Solomon Burke, be treated to good old and the populous. Oh, yes, his father. Since and succeed—I wanted to fi nd fashioned Southern cookin’, enter to win a church hat, and get The acceptance of history and experience prove out if I had what it took to join down and dirty to the juke joint music that will drive your blues George W. Bush in the offi ce to that great men are obsessed him,” I greet with the deepest away. And then go home for Thankstaking. which your suffrages “twice” called him (Even I know that with their ancestry, Bush ram- dissatisfaction. Let it simply be bles about his father’s life for asked, Where is the security for What: Friday Night Poetry Slam the use of voter caging in 2000 quite the bit longer than he does property, for reputation, for life, Where: Nuyorican Poet’s Café was outrageous, and when I was about his own. Perhaps he is un- if the sense of obligation deserts When: Every Friday, 10pm president people owned slaves!) der the impression that I have the executive’s offi ce? HOWMUCH: $15 have been a uniform sacrifi ce not read H.W.’s “All The Best,” Relying on its kindness in Why: These poets represent a twenty year tradition of badass of inclination to the opinion although in this he would be this as in other things, and actu- slams, and their team has consistently won awards, gaining na- of duty, and to a deference for mistaken. More likely, he wants ated by that fervent love towards tional recognition all the goddamn time. This is one of those what appeared to be your de- to bury his privileged upbring- it, which is so natural to a man, events that you must go to before you graduate/move/lose sopho- sire. Knowing this, I constantly ing beneath a rough-and-tumble who views it in the native soil of moric interest in the wonderful world of New York City. Bring hoped, that it would have been image of his father’s (although, himself and his progenitors for a notebook, get there early, and if you want to participate in the much earlier in my power to re- again, H.W.’s father also attend- several generations; I anticipate slam, sign up at 9. turn to my retirement and begin reviewing presidential texts, a ed Yale and banked upon the with pleasing expectation your Wall Street). reading my review and decid- What: The Rosary fi eld from which I had been re- To give him credit, Bush ing not to purchase George W. Where: Mt. Carmel Church, 188th St. luctantly drawn. Now that I am does observe good faith and jus- Bush’s “Decision Points.” By When: Every day at 4pm fi rmly dead and free to spend tice towards all opponents; he taking my advice, I will impart ANDHOW: With beads and time my hours reading and blogging, cultivates peace and harmony in you, my fellow-citizens, the Why: Plentiful grace, and blessed piety. Clinky radiators, cold I was able to declare I wanted to even with Al Gore. Just kid- benign infl uence of good laws pews. Echoing murmurs, and a hint of musk. No ruckus, no non- spend yesterday noon exploring ding: This aspect of the book under a free government and the sense. All puro. “Decision Points”; but the unan- imous advice of persons entitled also makes it torturously slow- happy reward, as I trust, of our to my confi dence impelled me moving and almost worthless mutual cares, labors, and dan- to abandon the idea. So instead as a piece of presidential prose. gers. I downloaded the e-book and With regards to other personal Peace out, listened to the former executive discussion in the book, of all the G.W. not-Bush november 17, 2010 the paper page 17 Chewed Up, Shameless the paper’s Always Hilarious show list by Alexander Gibbons years old, is freshly divorced. and directing amazing box- CO-EDITOR IN CHIEF Whereas his previous stand-up offi ce failures like Pootie-Tang specials talked about the dol- (which, to this day, remains Comedian Louis C.K ap- drums of married life and the among this writer’s favorite cult proaches comedy writing with diffi culties of being a father, Hi- fi lms). Now, though, he is one an interesting and specifi c cre- larious focuses largely on C.K of the biggest names in comedy, ative process. After the come- trying to re-assimilate himself widely respected as one of the dian has developed a strong into single life. As the come- most insightful and infl uential and solid comedy set (say 90 dian puts it, being divorced and working comedians. Hilari- minutes of material, after he’s single at 41 is like “fi nding a ous refl ects some of that rising toured and performed his bit bunch of money in a currency fame. As the comedian takes the and perfected the set and got- for a country that doesn’t exist stage, he is met by a screaming ten comfortable with the mate- anymore.” crowd of mostly young audi- rial), he’ll shoot a comedy spe- For 84 minutes C.K waxes ence members. It seems that as cial. He fi lms his set at a theater on everything from hitting your the comedian grows more and somewhere -- usually at a pretty kids to masturbating as a coun- more famous, he has attracted large but austere venue -- and teraction for the shame of eating younger fans to his brand of then, after the fi lming process too much ice-cream. These two comedy. This is interesting, is over, he scraps the material. topics are good examples to ob- since most of C.K’s comedy Above is what happens when you google “babies playing in- C.K throws out all of his jokes, serve how the comedian works. deals with the day-to-day of a struments.” Of course, this is completely different and unre- the jokes he’s been practicing With the former, C.K discusses disheveled 41 year old father. lated to the band, the Babies, who are featured in one of the and refi ning for a year, and be- his frustration with other peo- It’s unclear how C.K re- shows below. They opened for Titus Andronicus at Fordham gins working on fresh material. ple’s children, beings he has acts to this newfound attention, last year, and I missed it due to being on a different conti- Presumably, the process ensures and will never have any love however. Maybe this was only nent. I do wish, however, that someone started teaching me that his stand-up act will never for. The bit takes a small turn because I was watching Hilari- banjo at a young age because now I’m 21 and totally don’t grow stale or recognizable and for the serious, however, when ous with a pair of ultra-high tech know what I’m doing. I wish I were this baby playing the it keeps the co- AKG 55 ohms banjo. median on his headphones, but -C.S. toes and relevant. throughout the It also ensures fi lm, audience What: White Suns that C.K will members can be When: Friday Nov. 19, 8pm never latch on to heard talking to Where: Liz Hogg’s Basement (401 17th St. Brooklyn) any standby or each other. At one HOWMUCH: TBA trademark jokes, point in the fi lm, Why: I went to high school with the guys in White Suns and the and his audiences C.K breaks his frontman actually graduated from Fordham a few years back. will never call out stride to tell two They’ve been playing excellently devastating noise rock for requests and dis- audience mem- years and are fi nally starting to get recognized for it. Always rupt his sets, as bers to “back off.” putting on a great live show, it’s worth going out to see them if Richard Pryor or This sort of pres- you get the chance. And this is your chance. George Carlin’s ence was missing audiences would. from C.K’s other What: The Babies, The Beets, Total Slacker Hilarious stand up specials. When: Friday Nov. 19th, 8pm is C.K’s latest It also constitutes Where: 285 Kent Ave. Brooklyn stand-up special. a major trans- HOWMUCH: $8 It premiered at the gression in stand Why: Taking place in a splendid warehouse venue that, unlike Sundance Film up etiquette. A the Glasslands next door, you DON’T have to be 21 to get into, Festival last Jan- rowdy or zealous Friday’s show has an un-beet-able lineup featuring Cassie Ra- uary as the festi- pizza grease, audience mem- mone of the Vivian Girls’ latest project. If that doesn’t tickle val’s fi rst stand- ice cream, ber can destroy a your fancy, you must not be very ticklish. up comedy fi lm and semen -- performer’s con- submission and inside and out. centration and What: Nicki Minaj became available completely derail When: Thursday Nov. 25th, 7:30pm online the video the momentum Where: Hammerstein Ballroom site called Epix of a joke. And HOWMUCH: $89 last month. The C.K talks about parents hitting although the material is strong Why: Because who really wants to spend Thanksgiving with fans lucky enough to get tickets their kids, which he condemns throughout, the crowd can at their family, especially when the Harajuku Barbie herself is per- were able to catch a viewing of in a strange moment of paternal some points be distracting and forming in our home city? Minaj will presumably be playing the special at the IFC center in indignation. Immediately af- ends up being the fi lm’s biggest songs off her upcoming Pink Friday and hopefully some of the the Village, but others will have terward, however, as members fl aw. tracks that made her two major mixtapes so great. to watch it online or wait for the of the crowd begin to react in In the end, the most compel- fi lm to hit Netfl ix or HBO. agreement, C.K admits that he ling aspect of C.K’s routine is What: Ben Kweller Aesthetically, Hilarious often, as a matter of refl ex, will his brutal honesty and extreme When: Saturday Nov. 27th, 8pm looks exactly like C.K’s previ- wish that parents would hit their self-loathing. Hilarious is defi - Where: The Rock Shop ous stand-up special. As stated kids. C.K will let a lot of his lib- nitely worth a watch for fans HOWMUCH: $20 before, the comedian shoots eral affectations shine through of the comedian’s material, but Why: Ben Kweller is a spazzy folkster-meets-indie rocker with his specials in large and austere his scatological rhetoric, but he may prove too strange for fi rst- a beautiful carrot top to boot. With lyrics like: “Sex reminds her theaters. There are no elaborate always brings his routine back timers, who are better off intro- of eating spaghetti, I am wasted but I’m ready,” how can you stage sets or themes, just C.K around to something disgusting, ducing themselves to the come- not get all pubescently excited about this show? Also, I once sweltering under an array of like excessive masturbation or dian’s career with Chewed Up saw him do a cover of the Ghostbusters theme song, and it was lights in his usual black t-shirt what the comedian calls “shame or Shameless. C.K is currently amazing. and jeans ensemble. glaze,” a combination of pizza touring, no doubt refi ning a new Material wise, Hilarious is grease, ice-cream, and semen. routine that will eventually fi nd What: Matt Skiba (Alkaline Trio), Brendan Kelly (the Law- somewhat of a departure from Hilarious also shines light its way to a new special. His T.V rence Arms) the comedian’s previous two on C.K’s growing fame. At 41, show, Louie, has been picked up When: Saturday Nov. 27th, 8pm specials. Though C.K has been the comedian has been doing for a second season and is prob- Where: Mercury Lounge infusing his routine with a pat- stand up for over twenty years. ably currently in some stage of HOWMUCH: $16 ented brand of uncomfortably His prominence has risen sig- development. I think you should Why: The lead singers of Alkaline Trio and the Lawrence Arms honest dialogue for several nifi cantly, however, in the past watch it, and I think you should playing a solo show means that really douchy fans will show up, years now, his newest batch of few years. At the beginning of watch Hilarious. Louis C.K is a hear great music that doesn’t sound much like the main bands, material is noticeably more pes- the decade, C.K was still a rela- very funny man. I would watch and get pissed. Skiba and Kelly both have surprisingly decent simistic and deranged. This is tively obscure comedian -- writ- him bathe. solo work, and this is the way to see it. because C.K, who is now 41 ing for The Chris Rock Show page 18 the paper november 17, 2010 Muse, Twilight, & a Ton of Rock n' Roll by Danny Casarella greatest bands of today was go- dle. Then, the intro to the fi rst BEFORE Twilight, you ass- as literally every person in at- STAFF SOLD OUT ing to be reduced to “that band single off of The Resistance, holes), “Hysteria,” and “Star- tendance began to jump up and from Twilight” and two, I was “Uprising,” dropped. The tarps light” just to name a few. What down and sang along. I have Over 10 million albums sold sitting through that god-fuck- covering the towers fell, and all really sets them apart from been to many concerts at Madi- worldwide. 3.5 million more ing-awful movie. three members of Muse were most other bands is their ability son Square Garden, but never sold with The Resistance as My point is that Muse de- 50 feet above the ground in the to adapt and change live per- have I seen crowd interaction of September 2010. Countless serves so much more respect middle of these towers as the formances. Even though they like I did here. The intensity in nominations and awards, includ- than they are given here in the stay consistent the building was an appropri- ing greatest riff of the decade United States. We worship the with the songs ate match to the intensity Muse (“Plug In Baby”) and the O2 made-for-radio garbage that they play at gives back to all of their fans. Silver Clef Award for best live is pumped out like “Whip My each live show, It is safe to say that Muse band (Presented by Roger Tay- Hair” and “Baby,” but Muse, Muse never is one of the most underrated lor and Brian May of Queen). who has been compared to and simply plays bands of today. Sure, you have Selling out Wembley Stadium held in the same esteem as the their songs as your Passion Pits and Phoenixes in 10 minutes. This is only the likes of Radiohead, Queen, and you would hear and other good bands that fl y tip of the iceberg of the resume more, is brushed aside without them from an slightly under the radar, but none for the band that is Muse. And I a care. album. They of them have quite achieved the can guarantee a good number of I’ve had the pleasure of add twists and level of success that Muse has. people have never thought twice seeing Muse twice in the last extra riffs to Some day though, I feel safe about them or given their music seven months, once at Madison them, further to say, they will fi nally break a listen. Pathetic. Square Garden and once at The exemplifying through in the States like they I mean, come on. What more Prudential Center in Newark. their genius and have throughout all of Europe. can someone want from a band? My reasoning for dropping so creativity. When this day comes, I’ll be Wembley Stadium holds 90,000 much money on two concerts in The defi n- rocking out on my air guitar and people and can contain an addi- such a short span of time? Muse ing moment of singing along with the amazing tional 15,000 in standing room. is THAT damn good live. Both each concert, voice of Matt Bellamy, just like 105,000 total, and Muse sold it shows were a part of The Resis- especially the I always have. Hopefully you’ll out in 10 minutes. But I guess tance tour, and both began in the one at Madison be there to join me. that’s only ok to most people. same dramatic way. Three tow- Square Garden, Oh, and on a fi nal note. Fuck Or someone may say, “Oh “We loooooove Twilight” ers that loomed overhead from came during the Twilight. For real. yeah, Muse, I’ve heard of them just about the ceiling down to crowd looked on in amazement. same song. This was “Time Is [Author’s Note: Please don’t before, weren’t they in the Twi- the stage began to illuminate as From there, it was song after Running Out,” a song that even take this article as a personal at- light movies? Yeah, I really like the lights dropped. As an eerie song, as Muse rattled off what the most casual Muse fan rec- tack. If you genuinely do not that one song that’s in the movie orchestra began overhead, fi g- might as well have been a great- ognized. Each time as the cho- like Muse, I respect your opin- when they’re playing baseball.” ures were projected onto the est hits album with tracks such rus began with “and our time is ion and taste. I will not apolo- A part of me died the day I heard towers, and the electricity in the as “Supermassive Black Hole” running out” the crowd went in- gize for my comments on Twi- their music being used, for two air was almost too much to han- (Which was extremely popular sane, turning into a giant wave light however.] reasons: one, I knew one of the Classic Kick Out Pop Nostalgia in Philadelphia, by Bobby Cardos albums: Propeller, Vampire something indie rockersGuided in as infectious as theirby songs’ Voicesed incredible, singing “Quality CO-Editor In Chief on Titus, Bee Thousand, Alien the early 90s. Mitch Mitchell, melodies. of Armor” complete with A Lanes, and Under the Bushes who was never without a ciga- There is a sheer brilliance Capella vocal harmonies. And A long, bizarre, confusing Under the Stars. There liter- rette in his mouth, jumped and in the translation that occurs “Game of Pricks” remains one fake public service narrative ally could not be a bad song in spun around like an adolescent between GbV’s albums and of my favorite - and the sad- played over the speakers of the setlist. imagining his rock and roll their live show. Tinny, well- dest - one and a half minutes the Trocadero Theatre in Phil- The band itself was in- dreams. Greg Demos, dressed crafted pop songs that recall of music. adelphia, PA, it’s relevance in red-striped fl ares the Beatles and 60s bubble- I would argue that GbV - only indicated by random cuts “Can you do this after half and a vest, looked gum pop become huge, fi st- at least this manifestation of to the repetition of the words a bottle of Tequila?” like he came straight pumping rock anthems, almost GbV (the quality of their mu- that brought everyone there: from the 70s Brit- every word shouted in unison sic takes a dive afters UtBUtS) “Guided by Voices.” Finally, ish Rock scene. And back at Pollard. You could see - is the best live act that’s hap- the fl uorescent sign behind Bob Pollard can still the truth in what Pollard has pened in recent memory. Some the drum kit lit up, bearing kick higher and drink often claimed, that Guided by of that may be the importance the staple phrase “The Club harder than pretty Voices always wanted to be a I place on the band, but I still is Open.” Thus began what much anyone who’s big rock band. Indeed, their don’t think it’s too much of was unequivocally the greatest been in music for the act would have gone off just an overstatement. At the very show I’ve seen. last 30 years. Indeed, as well in an arena (though it least, it’s a good reminder that Guided by Voices and for most of the mem- would be unfortunate to expe- people - even people with a Pavement are probably the bers, the tour was a rience them in an arena instead discerning musical palate - two most important bands for chance for them to of the modestly sized Trocade- want to see a big, cathartic, me, the bands that have framed enjoy the success ro). rock show, that sometimes you my music listening since dis- that they missed out By the end of their third just need to spill some beer, covering them in high school- on. Every member encore, Guided by Voices throw up your fi st, and sing -which means that 2010 was except Pollard left had played 39 songs over the along. For me, it was, quite a pretty great year for me. As the band after Under course of two hours. It’s hard simply, a pure moment, two with Pavement, I remained the Bushes Under to pick highlights with a setlist hours when nothing else exist- willfully ignorant, refusing to the Stars to return to chock full of some of the best ed, when nothing was thought, read show reviews or watch their careers. Though pop songs written. “Don’t Stop only felt. Such moments are YouTube videos. I knew ex- GbV was starting to Now” (a.k.a. “The Ballad of rare to come by, whether at actly what I needed to know: credible. Though all the clas- see success, indie rock still Guided by Voices”) was beau- a rock show or in day-to-day Guided by Voices was playing sic members are hovering didn’t pay well enough to sup- tiful to watch as the audience life, and I can think of no bet- in their “classic” lineup and around the fi fty year old mark, port the families most of them passed around and quickly fi n- ter praise than that. only playing songs from that the band’s live energy was, if already had. You could see ished the second half of Bob’s era (1992-1996), the period anything, more pronounced their unbridled joy just in be- tequila. Tobin Sprout and Pol- which brought us their best than when they were thirty- ing on stage again, and it was lard’s co-written songs sound- november 17, 2010 the paper page 19

1. CHECKER’S (385 E Fordham Road): If there is a 2. 24 HOUR TOBACCO GROCERY God, then He, Jesus, and Krishna get their eat on at Check- (666 East 187th Street): It’s slightly off the beaten path ers. Conveniently located on the corner of E. Fordham Road of bodegas, but the extra steps to 24 Hour Tobacco Gro- and Webster Avenue, Checkers offers cheap and greasy fast- cery are defi nitely worth your while. They are one of the food of a higher quality for a reasonable price. True cheapos few bodegas that actually still sell three dollar subs (in will enjoy Checkers’ value menu, which offers such greats terms of most of the sandwiches actually being three dol- as the Double Checker Cheeseburger, a hearty lars or less, an increasingly rare thing on the Fordham combination of beef, cheese, bacon (if asked bodega scene), and the sandwiches there kick ass. for), ketchup, lettuce, tomatoes, and onions The sandwich artisan, who, as far as I can tell, for just $2. Wash that shit down with is the only guy who’s ever behind the a value milkshake, which will grill, always has a smile on his only set you back $1. face as he dishes out a steak, egg and (pepperjack) cheese 3 hero better and faster than anyone else in the neighborhood.

2

4 6

7 3. LAZARO 5. FREE FOOD DOLLAR AT SHEA’S (2960 EMPANADAS Jerome): Being a (615 E 189th): vegetarian isn’t as diff Though the wafting icult as some meat eaters scents of garlic knots and 5 might imagine, particularly chicken parmesan from when living in a city where Bellini’s may, at fi rst encounter, grocery stores provide rich white be far more appealing than the sights people and broke college students with of half rotten fruit and stray cats at the products like tempeh and seitan. Still, there green awning-ed bodega across the street, the are occasional moments of agony. Any vegetarian adventurous epicurean will be heartily rewarded with a who has ever been to Shea’s Emerald Bar on Jerome Ave little further investigation. Inside of Lazaro Deli-Food on the will understand. Because the owner’s wife runs a catering busi- corner of Hughes Avenue and 189th Street is a small glass case ness, heroes the size of a small person regularly appear by the illuminated by a single heat bulb that, at the right time of the day, entrance and, if it’s a nice night, someone is likely to fi re up the is fi lled with delicious, freshly made beef, chicken and cheese outdoor grill to cook some burgers and dogs. Meanwhile, I head empanadas, all for the price of one measly little dollar. home and eat some of that tempeh. It’s sad and lonely, but the tears add a nice fl avor. 4. M&G RESTAURANT (2390 Arthur Avenue): 6. BREAD TRUCK OUTSIDE THE TINKER’S DELI (387 Bedford Park Blvd): M&G’s is the closest thing we have to a diner south of Fordham Road (it can’t be Tinker’s Deli (real name: Bedfork Park Gourmet Deli) is awesome enough as it is, called a diner proper because it’s not open 24 hours, but these days even Webster’s stocking some of the best Mozzarella sticks in the area. However, nothing compares isn’t open all the time). The menu’s pretty much the same as Pete’s Cafe, but the to the ecstasy of leaving the deli or Tinker’s itself and fi nding the Prince bread truck food is better executed and a little cheaper. It’s a cozy place with the griddle right parked outside delivering a batch of fresh bread. Simply ask one of the men for roll, behind the counter, and the white linoleum walls and fl oor give it a true diner aes- and they’ll provide it for you no questions asked. It took us a few free rolls and a lot thetic. To add to the authenticity, they were even closed briefl y early in the semester of empty stomachs to fi gure out that the best time to catch the truck is around 3:45 because they failed health inspection. If that doesn’t appeal to you, then perhaps A.M., but now we’re letting you in on our secret. food isn’t your thing. I reccomend the Spanish omlette. 7. JAMAICAN BEEF PATTIES (Just open your eyes! They’re everywhere!): Compact, fl aky, beefy, spicy, NOT pricey – Beef patties are everywhere. These punches of protein come plentiful and cheap. Look for the golden pocket in the display case at University Pizza, Pugsley’s, any pizza place within range of Arthur Ave., even Campbell Hall Café (fl ex dollar beef patty!) and expect to pay $1.50 - $2.50 for what this writer considers the perfect carnivore a meal-on-the-go. page 20 the paper November 17, 2010 per/vocalists. By this I mean that, unlike many of his peers, Cee-Lo can rap well and, when called for, belt out amazing vo- cals. His latest album, The Lady Killer, makes particularly good use of Cee-Lo’s prowess as a singer. Green, along with a gag- gle of producers, seems poised to make love right to your ear- holes. The listener shouldn’t be afraid, however. The artist comes equipped with his trade- mark croon, which is the vocal equivalent of very expensive European chocolate. Shit melts in your mouth. It’s fucking beautiful. Cee-Lo could sing something god-awful—some- thing by Ke$ha, perhaps—and urprise! You weren’t ex- The album, on its own, Kings of Leon damned if they didn’t—but this the noises produced would still Specting to fi nd Earwax for is incredible. As they appear Come Around Sundown sounds like a band that needs a sound awesome. His voice is another two pages, were you? on the album, the old songs Sam Wadhams cold beer, some hot food, and a basically the love child con- Well, due to this issue’s spe- are much refi ned. Kanye fre- When the Kings of Leon shower. ceived from the vocal chords of cial photography section, we’ve quently involves big name col- came to prominence, they did The Kings of Leon have Pavarotti and Ella Fitzgerald. been bumped up, but never fear, laborators such as Jay-Z, Kid so on the strength of their sig- the capability to create incred- Okay, so Cee-Lo is a mod- we’re still bringing you the al- Cudi, Raekwon, and Common. nature sound and interesting ibly interesting spacy, haunting ern day god amongst vocalists. bum reviews you’ve come to ex- Swizz Beats appears on sev- backstory. The group played a songs (the hidden track, “Tali- That much has been established. pect. We still love Kanye West, eral songs, but his parts seem stripped-down, southern, garage hina Sky,” on their debut is very But can the guy put out a good we still love indie rock, and we to come down to awkward yell- rock like a meth-era Creedence near perfect). No song or lyric album? Hell yes, he can. What still love Kid Cudi because he ing. Kanye includes Pusha T Clearwater Re- so perfectly are you, a moron? Are you un- samples that indie rock and thus on nearly every song, and there vival, and they captures the familiar with the man’s exten- makes “true hip-hop.” Speaking are additional appearances from started as three album as “The sive track record? Guy drops of true hip-hop, we should also Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, J. Cole, brothers and a Immortals,” platinum hits like O.J drops thank Rodrigue’s Coffee House Lupe Fiasco, Mos Def, Lloyd cousin roaming which would evidence. And on this album for their showcase for local rap- Banks, Ryan Leslie, and CyHi the American rejuvenate the he’s not alone. The Lady Kill- pers. Great work, dudes! da Prynce. Kanye’s ability to south with their quiet-loud dy- er brings together Cee-Lo’s gather such a spectacular cast preacher father. namic of grun- creamy vocals and the masterful Kanye West does not stop there. On the Like most ori- ge, only the production of greats like Fraser My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fan- completed version of “All of the gin stories, this quiet is mostly T. Smith and Grey Area. The tasy Lights,” Kanye brings in a shit- is a probably a snare drum and result: a very solid, very enjoy- Keegan Talty load of artists to sing harmony. half-truth pol- generic bass able album. When Kanye West per- Where else are you gonna hear ished with bullshit, but it played. and the loud sounds like Cold- At fi rst glance, the most no- formed “Runaway” off his new The-Dream along with Elton But in the seven years since play with a distortion pedal. To table thing about The Lady Kill- album, My Beautiful Dark Twist- John? their debut, Youth and Young seal the deal, the lyrics are cli- er is the presence of hit single ed Fantasy, at the MTV Video Just like the free releases, Manhood, and fi ve since their chés as boring as, “The open “Fuck You,” which dropped in Music Awards, he claimed that the album does not disappoint spectacular Aha Shake Heart- road, the path of greatness/ It’s August and became a bit of a it was an apology for his previ- and serves as a perfect apol- break, the Kings have become at your fi ngers / Go be the one summer jam. I’d say that “Fuck ous upstaging of Taylor Swift. ogy for his past failures. The bona fi de rock stars, complete that keeps on fi ghting/ Go be You,” for all of its commercial His actions became a famous clean version of My Beautiful with all the overexposure and the stranger/ Just put your foot success, is the album’s weak- internet meme Dark Twisted bloat that title produces. Their in front the other/ Crow like the est track. Sure, it’s fun and it’s for a while, in- Fantasy leaked most recent album, Come rooster.” catchy, but in comparison with spiring t-shirts last week, Around Sundown, is signifi - This was the band that used the album’s other songs, it and spoof web- sparking an cantly better than 2008’s mas- to sing incomprehensibly so seems pretty simple. sites. Clearly, outrage from turbatory arena-rock Only their mothers wouldn’t hear lyr- The album really gets go- the success of Kanye, though By The Night, the album that ics like “On our knees/ we’ll ing on tracks like the Smith- his fi rst three he began the launched them to megastardom feast on the sex produced “Cry albums had fed G.O.O.D Fri- and caused Pitchfork Media to show.” There’s Baby,” a song into his ego, day series brand them Y’all2. While the nothing douch- that sounds like leading him to partly in antici- oversized OBTN was full of ier than the mu- an up-tempo produce and re- pation of such reverb, swagger, and grandeur; sic critic who Motown tune, cord an album, an event. The Come Around Sundown, for- hates on a band replete with 808s and Heartbreaks, which only disappointing songs on the sakes those qualities for a spa- for becoming background turned out to be a pretentious album are “The Joy” and “Who cious, liberated feel. On certain successful, but strings and a piece of garbage. It seemed that Will Survive in America?” be- tracks (for instance, hellrais- there’s also baritone sax Kanye had fallen off, suffering cause, honestly, those songs just ers like the fi rst single, “Ra- nothing douch- to compliment under the impression that he plain fucking suck. Seriously, dioactive,” and the stellar “No ier than bands Cee-Lo’s tenor. could wake up in the morning “Who Will Survive in Amer- Money”) their experimentation that suck, so Then there’s and piss excellence. However, ica?” is just a Screwed sample can fi nd the cock-rock edge we’re even. There’s potential in “Love Gun,” which continues Kanye’s MTV incident proved that doesn’t make much sense they always ironically carried this album. Overall it’s a lot of the secret agent theme estab- to be a reality check. He wrote here. If it weren’t for these two in their back pocket. But by the throwaway material, but in mo- lished by the album’s opening and performed “Runaway” songs and the fact that a lot of the same token, their musicianship ments a fantastic band shows skit “The Lady Killer Theme.” for Taylor Swift, an apology songs had been previously re- doesn’t always keep up with through, and I hold out hope for “Love Gun” pairs Cee-Lo with of sorts, admitting that we’ve leased, the album would be just their imagination, leaving them the better record that they might the sultry voice of Lauren Ben- “been putting up with [his] shit about perfect. Even if Kanye with tunes like the languid “Cel- want to make. nett, who effectively parallels just way too long.” continues to embarrass himself ebration” and the generic “The Cee-Lo’s vocals. With a groovy Kanye also decided to be- in front of the entire nation, I Face.” guitar riff and blaring brass, gin releasing a new song every will forgive him every time if he If there’s an overarching mo- “Love Gun” sounds like a really Friday until Christmas, calling keeps making music this good. tif on Come Around Sundown, good James Bond theme song. these days G.O.O.D Fridays, it’s defeat. The band seems The album’s climax, at least and true to his promise, every worn out and drained, lacking in my opinion, is Cee-Lo’s song has been a return to his old both the frenetic immediacy cover of Band of Horses’ folk form. I became more and more that made their fi rst two (and rock “No One’s Gonna Love excited for each record. Eventu- half of their third) albums abso- You.” This shit is the album’s ally, Kanye announced a release lutely gripping and the (howev- coup de grace. The ensemble date for his upcoming album er regrettable) now-is-our-time is a musical orgasm, if you and unveiled an album cover swagger of Only By The Night. Cee-Lo Green will (This whole review started that apparently qualifi es as high The whole thing sounds like a The Lady Killer with the suggestion that the art- art. Unfortunately, many of the contract album. They were due Alex Gibbons ist is making love to yr ears, album’s song were drawn from to produce something for their Cee-Lo Green is one of to- remember?). Like he did with the G.O.O.D Friday series. label, RCA—and they’d be day’s most accomplished rap- Radiohead’s “Reckoner,” Cee- November 17, 2010 the paper page 21 Lo takes the already substantial riff. “Wild’n Cuz I’m Young,” lier this year. When I saw her at original recording and makes on the other hand, examines the Bowery Electric, she was en- the paper’s list of songs we’d like to dedicate sweet, sweet, silky-smooth love rapper’s drug use. cumbered by a sore throat but to it. The end result: a beautiful As the album progresses, still discussed, for instance, how to Rivers Cuomo rendition that will touch you in Cudi’s mood moves from up- that previous inquisition led to First things first, if you’re not yet following us on Twitter, change that more places than one. beat and happy to comptempla- an angry phone call from her (@fupaper). Now that that’s out of the way, our list topic comes from an This shit is HOT. Buy it. tive as he becomes intent on mother. internet feud started when we politely asked Rivers for a review copy of his fi nding a new way to experience “Cinco de Mayo” seems band’s new album.* He then started following us** but blocked us before we the highs of life. On “MANI- to attempt to express the same could ask him to hang out in the print shop with us. Internet beef ensued, AC,” he samples St. Vincent’s loss that begat “For Ash.” and that beef has culminated in this list. “The Strangers,” continuing the Again, a tension between the indie fi xation he showed on last tangible (“You will always be year’s MGMT here! And here! The United States of America - I Won’t and Ratatat And here!” she collabs. Near- repeats) and Leave My Wooden Wife for You, Sugar ing the end of the intangible the record, he (“I’m shout- “Now listen, [Rivers]/ and try to understand/ that tying you is fine,/ and gets real with ing it out to the whipping you is grand./ Now I just can’t tell you how much fun it’s been./ the solitary Gods”) makes You make me feel twenty-five again.” I feel I’ve made my point. Kid Cudi “All Along,” the song at -BC Man on the Moon II: The Leg- a song that, in once lovely and end of Mr. Rager all honesty, is diffi cult, and Timothy Bridge beautiful. De- confusing in a U.N.L.V. - Drag ‘Em “N” Da River It takes a lot to be Kanye pressing, but way that comes West’s favorite artist. For one, beautiful. across with No list of great hip-hop diss tracks should lack U.N.L.V.’s brutal attack of it helps to be on the man’s la- The album as a whole is a remarkable clarity. Marnie’s cross-sh for the rest of the decade. Bringing things full circle, Juve would bel. Also, one would have to be wonderful thing for hip-hop, vocals are backed—and some- eventually rap over the “Drag ‘Em ‘N’ Da River” beat on his last album for very good at making hip-hop a genre that is having trouble times overtaken—by her two the label. music. Kid Cudi, thankfully, is fi nding a direction. This repre- guitar lines, one fi nger-picked, both of those things and has just sents a turn away from a lot of the other consisting mainly of Cam’ron - Hate Me Now released a his sophomore album the overly auto-tuned bullshit drawn-out power chords, Hill’s to prove it. out there. As for the Kid named frantic drumming, and a strong In the clusterfuck of turn of the century Roc-A-Fella/Queensbridge beef, On Man on the Moon II: The Cudi, he closes the work with but subtle bassline. None of the Cam’s outstanding “Hate Me Now” Nas diss often goes unrecognized. Legend of Mr. Rager, Cudi lyri- “Trapped in My Mind,” singing, instruments, it should be noted, “Shorty, stay in your place/ Before the AK’s in your face/ Take your cally, musically, and themati- “I’m trapped in my mind baby/ take sides in the aformentioned daughter, R. Kelly/ Have my way with her face,” he raps. Hopefully, our cally eclipses 2009’s surprise I don’t think I’ll ever get out.” struggle. feud doesn’t reach that point. hit Man on the Moon: The End For the sake of his artistry and In fact, Marnie’s rapid fi re, of Day. While his fi rst album the future of hip-hop, I hope he both-hands-on-the-fretboard delved into the artist’s deep, in- stays there, fi nding new things guitar work stands out on every Smash Mouth - Why Can’t We Be Friends? tricate, and sometimes just plain to explore in the future. song. She both fi lls her music depressing mind and dreams, with as many notes as possible But seriously, why can’t we? We didn’t mean any harm to Rivers, we just Mr. Rager shows us Cudi’s and plays every one of those wanted an advance copy of his new record. We were going to give his band view of reality, drugs, women, notes as if it’s the most impor- free coverage in our hallowed pages for God’s sake. Just as “Why Can’t and the darkness associated tant one she’s ever played. In We Be Friends?” served as Homer Simpson’s entrance music for his with this crazy world. Emo rap fact, the guitar might be the only fight against Dredrick Tatum (admittedly, he uses War’s probably superior is hard to make without it end- thing able to talk faster than she. original), we want to send the song out to the dude who was in that Happy ing up as some contrived, crazy, Although these things are Days music vidoe. You’re not that bad, Rivers! auto-tuned mess (see: 808s & nearly always present, Marnie Heartbreak) or boring, repeti- Stern shouldn’t be reduced to tive bullshit (see: Eminem’s the limits of language or the re- Trey Songz - LOL :-) last four albums). However, lated dialectic between the real Kid Cudi proves that the genre Marnie Stern and the abstract (another ex- Because of Twitter’s centrality in this affair, we’d love to dedicate to Rivers can exist and fl ourish; with his Marnie Stern ample: the “Risky Biz” opening this social networking anthem. We’d also like to send him a twitpic saying, smooth, moaning vocals he Nick Murray line, “These markings I make, “Come and hit this,” but because he blocked us that’s no longer possible. provides an intelligent view of In a way, Marnie Stern’s they’re a lot like love”). This is So Rivers, if you’re ever in the Bronx for the weekend let us know, or just a past seldom revisited and a new, self-titled album is about a complex work from a wom- come by our print shop in the basement of McGinley, where you’ll always be present seldom explored. the limit of words alone, how an with a lot to express. Even welcome. The record begins with a even when they are able to de- the song titles (for instance: reference to “In My Dreams” a scribe something accurately “Female Guitar Players Are Waka Flocka Flame - TTG (Trained To Go) track from his last album, then they still tend to miss some- the New Black”) make state- moves into the thing. The al- ments. But despite there being If I could do any of my Earwax reviews over, it would be the abomination I upbeat “Scott bum begins much at stake on this album, it wrote about Waka Flocka as my insides slowly crossed the threshold that Mescudi vs. with “For Ash,” is never weighed down by its separates drunk from hungover. Because I can’t re-review the album, I’ll just The World,” on a eulogy for her subject matter. This is, afterall, take this opportunity to dedicate one of its better tracks to RC. Themati- which he sings, once boyfriend. the woman who wasn’t afraid cally, there’s a slight connection, but the main point is that Weezer (or “What up?/ It contains to say words like “peen” and any act) starts making music like this, all hypothetical Twitter beef will be How’s every- only one run- “vajeen” onstage. That sense of forgiven. one doing?/ on sentence humor doesn’t quite transition -NM You are now in of a verse, a over to the music, but that con- the world I am verse that can’t fi dence does. Marnie Stern may ruling,” before bring itself to not be confi dent in the ability of Buddy Holly- It [Weezer] Doesn’t Matter passing it off to say anything language to express everything Cee-Lo Green. concrete about she’d like it to express, but she Anymore On the token Kid Cudi weed its subject no matter how hard certainly seems confi dent in her song “Marijuana,” the MC spits it might want to. Marnie sings ability to make a sophisticated I’d like to intertextually teabag Rivers Cuomo by dedicating to him a song over a haunting piano line, talk- about “the sky and the trees” album that goes harder than by the icon he has for decades narcissistically evoked through his yuppie ing about how weed keeps him and “the big and the sad” and most New York indie releases boy-face and horn-rimmed glasses (not to mention a song that actually bore “level up in [his] crazy head.” the stars pulling everything and you’re likely to hear this year. the rock pioneer’s name). “We’ll say we’re through and you won’t matter On “Mojo So Dope” he explains everyone apart, but not much And, as it turns out, that’s ex- any more,” sings Buddy Holly. Oo—ee—oo, you look just like that guy that he “lives through words, more. Meanwhile, her ecstatic, actly what she’s done. from that band that started getting shitty after the Blue Album and then not metaphors,” reminding us fi nger-picked guitar and Zach petered out into oblivion. that his style deviates from the Hill’s furious drumming say -JM normal hip-hop way. He’s not what the vocals can’t. * trying to make catchy music or This thematic interest is come up with clever punchlines, kind of funny because live, the he’s making true hip-hop music. New York City-based singer/ “Erase Me” tells the story of a songwriter/guitar player won’t girl who can’t get Cudi off her stop talking. “How many times mind and features a verse from do I have to say I need a peen Kanye accompanied by thud- in the vajeen until someone hits ding drums and a simple guitar on me?” she asked at show ear- **. page 22 the paper november 17, 2010 the paper’s big list

BANDFIELD’S RAW MEAT MAKING MONEY the deli into an epic adventure. private jet fl own by my servant, by the paper PET SCULPTURES I’m going to make money. So this business is pretty much Jiles, moving from time zone STAFF OF MILLIONS We’ve seen everything from I know what you’re thinking: a giant elaborate old house to time zone. I am stocked to SEVERAL pet clothes and pet spas to pet isn’t that just counterfeiting? with like a $20 cover charge the teeth. Skinny jeans, extra e here at the paper may carrying bags. Any time a new Yes, that is—but that’s not what and many couches. You get lots skinny jeans, jeggings, kilos Wseem like a gaggle of luxury item hits the pet market, I’m talking about. What I’m of free dank weed there and of plaid, accessories like horn- liberal-arts-studying, canvas- some horde of rich idiots just talking about doing is making eat General Tso’s and pizza to rimmed glasses and visors and bag-carrying, new-era com- gobbles it up – which is why it’s my own money. But thing about your heart’s content BUT—and African pendants. I get all this mie bastards, but let’s get real: time for a new class of pet pam- my money is that it will be su- here’s the cool part—there’s from Hipsters who live in places We have a serious Four Loko pering product. I present: Band- per fucking cool. Have you seen several Tommy Chong-esque more westerly than other hip- habit and need to stock up be- fi eld’s raw meat pet sculptures. American currency? It’s boring. guides there who, with gentle sters. Everyone lives in a place fore the coming Alcopopalypse The customer will have his Yeah, sure, they added a few words of positive encourage- more westerly than everyone. (They’re going to shop ship- or her selection of the fi nest raw colors to the new bills, but that’s ment, get you to go on sweet I bring the clothes back to ping to New York, everyone! ground meats; beef, chicken, small change compared to how adventures and do fun stuff. the people, back in time. That Gather your Lokos, gather your and venison will be the stan- my money is going to look. My Because it’s a huge elaborate should be my slogan. I haven’t wives, and get to thy cellar dard, while exotic meats like money is going to have all kinds house, there’s gonna be lots of thought of that until I just wrote with quick’st pace!) Inspired by zebra, alligator, elephant, snow of shiny shit on it, and feature stuff to do such as: sit on the it. They are stymied—how “Party Down’s” Ron’s brilliant leopard, and bald eagle will be timeless American fi gures, like swing and have your Chonguide could such hip things have ar- Soup R’ Crackers scheme and available at an increased price, Fonzie. Put that in your jukebox push you so you exert little if rived so expediently? I am al- every episode of “It’s Always and “miscellaneous” will remain and hit it. My 20s will glow in any effort, listen to awesome ways waking up and having a Sunny in Philadelphia” ever, an option for those interested the dark. I’ll have a 45 dollar music while sitting on an indoor cup of coffee a few hours before here are a few ways we are go- in a reduced rate. All ground bill, just because. Did I mention rollercoaster that coasts through I set off. It is always earlier and ing to get rich quick. meats will come with a certifi - my coins would be in the shape various interesting old rooms, yet I have grown a beard. I look cate of authenticity detailing the of triangles? Well, they will be, and jump on fourteen king-size like some mystic hipster guru, INSANE CLOWN PASTA animal’s beds pushed to- unbathed and shimmering in Let’s be honest—the nov- pedigree gether as your wisdom. I have so many dol- elty noodle market is a bit lack- and coun- Chonguide en- lars. They will never catch me. ing in variety these days. Sure, try of ori- courages you Eventually it is a new day. you’ve got your cartoon charac- gin, guar- to jump higher. Father Time trips even my own ter shapes and, if you’re lucky anteeing By Thomas vintage leather boots. Jiles is or at a bachelorette party, some the meat Sliwowski faithful and will not stop fl y- penis-shaped macaroni may as genu- STAFF ing. He thinks we are going rear its ugly head in your mac ine and of DRUGS ARE somewhere. I told him it was n’ cheese. But pasta enthusi- the fi nest ILLEGAL, Venice we were going to. “Ven- asts can only handle so much quality YOU GUYS ice is very far away,” I tell him. Spongebob in their Kraft dinner (regret- “We are almost there.” We must before the fun wears off. What tably, no TIME have passed Venice a thousand pasta needs is something to stir certifi- TRAVEL times. On the dashboard of up the pot, and who better to do cate can Hipsters the jet, Jiles has a picture of a it than Violent J and Shaggy 2 be pro- are everywhere cute little venetian boat fl oating Dope. vided for and they are down an old Italian alleyway. The boys of the Insane “miscel- leaving their He thinks he will row that boat Clown Posse have immortal- laneous” shit wherever one day. Haha. Ha. Hahaha. ized themselves on CD’s and meat). they go. They I’m sorry. I cannot help laugh- tee shirts; now it’s time to do it After are a bartering ing. We have passed Venice just in noodles. Insane Clown Pasta, selection, people, nomad- so so many times. which will be produced in con- a staff sculptor will meticulous- and they’ll be made of obsidian. ic, shifty. Upper-middle class By Joe McCarthy junction with the fi ne people ly form the meat into a remark- People will be so enamoured by defi nition, they defy their STAFF H.G. WELLS at Annie’s, will feature hatchet able likeness of the customer’s with money that the exchange socio-economic stratum by pur- guy, faygo bottle, and other pet. After the sculpture is com- rate will be like 7:1. Stores will chasing clothing that less than GOLD! GOLD! GOLD! great shapes fun for all ages plete, the customer will have the have to start taking my money fi fty percent of their age group I don’t know if you’ve (and damn tasty, to boot!). Ob- choice of either preserving it in because no one will have any deems worth the suggested heard, but our country is head- viously, the juggalo market will a plastic-based varnish or taking American money anymore, be- price, thereby transforming the ing into the john. We have loads be cornered before boxes even it home un-lacquered to be en- cause (if it wasn’t already clear) exchange value of such items of debt, immigrants keep taking hit the shelves. Rowdy fl edg- joyed with family, friends, and American money will just plain and consequently—paradoxi- our jobs, and our president was ling juggalos will entreat their the lucky pet (Bandfi eld Meat suck compared to my money. cally, one might add—shifting born in Kenya for God’s sake. mothers to go for the colorful Sculptures Inc. can not be held That’s what people will say to the “cool” into mainstream. We Our new congress will help, but and eye-popping packaging, responsible for illnesses that store owners: “American mon- see this happening all the time. things don’t look good as long vowing never again to touch may result from the consump- ey is stupid. Use this money in- But where is this marketplace? as our liberal media keeps spew- another “fuckin’ lame ass” bowl tion of raw meat). stead.” Is there a particular trading post, ing their liberal lies. Thankfully, of Scooby-Doo mac n’ cheese Mark my words: raw meat With any luck, none of this bazaar, black market where we have patriots like Glenn ever again. Seeing as it’s from pet sculptures are going to take will result in the collapse of the these exchanges take place? Beck who still tell us the truth Annie’s (organic, whole wheat, over the bourgeois pet world world economy through the re- That is to say, where have all the and call a spade a spade. That’s blah blah blah), the mom’s will like a plague. They’ll be the hot- alization that money is tenuous skinny jeans gone? why when Glenn told me to undoubtedly oblige, even if it is test things since Pat Salami Por- construct, and I will be rich on We can safely say that, like put all of my money into gold, just to shut the little pukes up traits – which I’ll have to invent my own terms and in my own a spider, spotted at the early that’s exactly what I did. Think for fi ve seconds. Additionally, before my raw meat sculptures currency. morning of winter, wherever about it, and it makes perfect the partnership with Annie’s hit the market. But fear not, for by Bobby Cardos one hipster dwells, there are sense. Our economy is so bad will thrust the product onto the the day draws ever closer when CO-EDITOR IN CHIEF more. And that, amongst them, right now because the commu- shelves of Whole Foods loca- pet owners across the nation there is a hipster trading post. I nist liberals made the real estate tions nationwide, enabling any will be able to pay the ultimate STONED ADVENTURE have found all of them. From bubble burst, but a gold bubble and all with disposable income tribute to their beloved creatures PLAYLAND New York to L.A.; from Austin can never burst. Gold is a solid looking for something witty to with raw meat, premier artisan- Ok, so when you get stoney to Oregon; from Buenos Aires so it can’t even bubble! I know bring to their potlucks to pur- ship, and questionable legality. baloney you probably have a to Lichtenstein. I am a man that the liberal media is spin- chase it ironically. By Sean Bandfi eld tendency to sit in one place and with a plan. I will make a bil- ning this to make it seem like God bless the free market. STAFF MEAT’S THOMAS stare in wonder at your fi nger- lion dollars. How I will do this: sort of scam, but hey, more gold By Sean Kelly KINKADE prints, but getting up and do- time travel. for me! I’m going to be rich! CO-EXECUTIVE EDITOR ing stuff is way better because This is how my business By Nick Murray weed makes every little trip to works. I travel westward, in a EARWAX EDITOR november 17, 2010 the paper page 23 This is What Anarchy Looks Like Squats in Amsterdam by Rosalind Foltz STAFF EYES OF THE WORLD

ast semester, I studied abroad in Amsterdam and witnessed Lsome turbulent times for the Dutch. In my short time in the Netherlands, the government collapsed over the withdrawal date of Dutch troops from Afghanistan, anti-immigration and anti-Is- lam sentiment was growing to a fever pitch, and, notably, smok- ing cigarettes indoors was outlawed. Furthermore, a ban against squatting was a’brewing. Squatting was as much a part of Amster- dam’s reputation for radical tolerance as the Red Light District and the soft-drug vending coffee shops, all of which are in jeop- ardy in the increasingly right-leaning Netherlands. The recent Dutch squatting movement began in the sixties, when the Netherlands faced a housing shortage and some land- lords allowed their buildings to stand vacant and in disrepair in hopes of selling the lots at a high price after demolition. Authori- ties tolerated squatting in properties that had been abandoned for one year and had no prospective renters. Squatters would notify police and building owners of their presence, and an owner would have to take squatters to court for eviction. A squat was made of- fi cial by the presence of a bed, a chair, a table, and a working lock. Amsterdam hosted 20,000 squatters at the peak of the movement. In the eighties, the squat movement took a turn for the anar- In some squats, multiple stories were crammed with bold text, colorful patterns, and spectacu- chistic. Symbols of anarchy sprouted up around the squats, and lar illustrations, stumbling upon them a surreal experience. dealings between police and squatters became violent. In October, the Dutch government banned squatting – squat- ting now carries a one year prison sentence. On October 1st, up to one thousand people in Amsterdam protested the criminalization. Clashes with the police led to violence and riots. Last semester, I saw that the squatters, however few remained, added a unique dimension to the eclectic aesthetic of Amsterdam. Among the sparkling canals, picturesque bridges, quirkily leaning canal houses, and extraordinary Dutch architecture, the decrepit and unconventionally adorned squats were essential to Amster- dam’s exquisite beauty.

The door of my backdoor neighbor squat mostly advertised shows at a nearby venue but also offered the sentiments of Never Trust a Cop .org: “Don’t panic, it’s just anarchy.” Word.

When squatting was tolerated, the only legal obstacle was physi- cally getting in to abandoned buildings. Breaking and entering was never tolerated, so prospective squatters needed to avoid Squats often housed free shops, eateries, and space for music. This tantalizing book display clashes with the law at that stage. would compel anyone to pick up some discolored (but free?!) French novels. page 24 the paper november 17, 2010