MARCH 2005 • ADAR I 5756

VOL. XXXVIII NO.3 USA $3.50 (Outside NY area $3.95) Foreign $4.50

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NEW VISTAS ON THE ISRAELI SCENE THE JEWISH OBSERVER (ISSN) 0021-6615 is published monthly except July & August by 6 THE MOST UNIQUE DEMOGRAPHIC KIRUV OPPORTUNITY the Agudath of America 9 42 Broadway, New York, NY 10004. IN DECADES, Periodicals postage paid in New Chanan (Anthony) Gordon York, NY. Subscription $25.00/year; 2 years, $48.00; 3 years, $$69.00. Outside of the United States 9 A NEW TYPE OF ADVOCACY FOR ISRAEL, (US funds drawn on a US bank only) $15.00 surcharge per year. Yonoson Rosenblum Single copy $$3.50; Outside NY area $3.95; foreign $4.50. 14 BUYING JEWISH SOULS, POSTMASTER: Mayaan Pase-Jaffe Send address changes to: The Jewish Observer 42 Broadway, NY, NY 10004 Tel 212-797-9000, Fax 646-254-1600 Printed in the USA 20 THE DOUBLE HELIX’S DOUBLE, A Poem by Nisson Wolpin, Editor Bracha Goetz Editorial Board Rabbi Joseph Elias, Chairman 21 FAREWELL TO RABBI ELIEZER GELDZAHLER l”xz, Rabbi Abba Brudny Joseph Friedenson Rabbi Yisroel Meir Kirzner 14 Rabbi Michel Twerski Rabbi Nosson Scherman Prof. Aaron Twerski 27 READERS’FORUM: LIGHT AT THE END OF THE Founders Dr. Ernst L. Bodenheimer Z”L Rabbi Moshe Sherer Z”L TUNNEL – MENTAL HEALTH

Management Board Avi Fishof, Naftoli Hirsch Isaac Kirzner, Rabbi Shlomo Lesin, Nachum Stein SHALOM BAYIS-PLUS Managing Editor Rabbi Yosef C. Golding 32 HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE, Published by Agudath Israel of America A Review Article by Rabbi Mordechai Biser U.S. Trade Distributor 40 IT BEGINS WITH SAYING “HELLO,” 208 Airport Executive Park Sara Medwed Nanuet, NY 10954 British Representative 32 M.T. Bibelman Grosvenor Works 43 ADAR THROUGH A FISH TANK, Mount Pleasant Hill Gavriella Bachrach London E5 9NE, ENGLAND french representative Rabbi Bamberger 45 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR 21 Boulevard Paixhans 57000 Metz, FRANCE israeli representative Intnl. Media Placement Statement of Policy POB 7195 / 97 Jaffa Road 94340, ISRAEL The Jewish Observer has devoted a great deal of space to the belgian representative perils of the Internet and to the need for everyone to be Mr. E. Apter extremely vigilant in its use. We have echoed the pleas of our Lange Kievitstr. 29 gedolim that it should not be in use, unless it is an unavoid- 2018 Antwerp, BELGIUM able necessity, and then only with all suitable safeguards. south african representative THE JEWISH OBSERVER does not assume While its dangers must be recognized and controlled to every Mr. V. Taback responsibility for the Kashrus of any product, possible degree, our gedolim recognize that many people and PO Box 51552, publication, or service advertised in its pages Raedene, Johannesburg businesses require its use, and therefore it has not been 2124 SOUTH AFRICA banned. This is why we accept advertisements listing web- © Copyright 2005 Australian representative site addresses, but in no way does this imply that the Dr. A. Dinnen gedolim or The Jewish Observer condone casual use of the 77 Birriga Road Bellevue Hill, NSW 2023, AUSTRALIA March 2005 / VOLUME XXXVIII /NO. 3 Internet.

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Chanan (Antony) Gordon

The Most Unique Demographic Kiruv Opportunity in Decades

Taking Advantage of A chiloni (non-religious) population. This especially after hearing the words of some Demographic Aberration opportunity to expose hundreds of of our Gedolim first hand6 – that we are thousands of secular Israelis to the beau- obligated to capitalize on this situation. ome fascinating demographic ty of our Torah and rich heritage is par- trends in Eretz Yisroel have recent- tially due to a “demographic time ly been published, which give our bomb” resulting from a single almost Israeli Society: a S Strong Traditional Bent brothers and sisters in the chareidi com- unbelievable statistical fact: more than munity there both a unique opportuni- 50% of the chareidi population – a pop- ty and a responsibility pertaining to kiruv ulation with a birth rate that averages 7.6 In many ways, The Guttman Survey, rechokim. children per woman – is below the age to date the most comprehensive research Today, the chareidi community of 8 years old.3 ever conducted on the religious behav- counts for approximately 12%1 of Thankfully, as ambiguous and con- ior of Israeli Jews, dispelled the myth that Israel’s Jewish population. While, as one fusing as the Council of Jewish the liberal media has been at pains to cre- would expect, my research of recent Federation’s NJPS 2000 was in America,4 ate, i.e., that the majority of Israelis would socio-economic developments within the the Louis Guttmann Israel Institute of want nothing more than to ensure that chareidi ranks did yield some areas of Applied Research’s Survey5 (“The Israel evolved into just another secular concern,2 on the positive side, it also Guttman Survey”) of the same year was country. According to The Guttman became patently clear that the chareidi clear and succinct. Read together with Survey: community in Eretz Yisroel, over the next the exploding chareidi “baby boom” The rhetoric of the secular and several years, has a most unique oppor- alluded to above, it seems clear to me – religious polarization generally used tunity to have a significant impact on the 1 Unless explicitly noted to the contrary, the basic course of my research, brought to my attention some of the demographic trends and statistics cited in CHANAN (ANTONY) GORDON is a Fulbright source of the data cited in this article is the Israeli Scholar and graduate of Harvard Law Central Bureau of Statistics, Machon Yerushalayim. this article. School. Mr. Gordon has co-authored and 2 47% of the chareidi population lives below the 4 The Guttman Survey was commissioned by the authored numerous articles that have pre- poverty line (i.e., approximately 600,000 people Avi Chai Foundation, involving a national sam- viously appeared in JO, most recently “The out of the 1.16 million Israeli citizens that cur- ple of 2,466 respondents from all over Israel with Future of American Jewry Revisited” (in Oct. rently live below the poverty line falls within the a maximum sampling error of 3%. The ’03). Mr. Gordon is the Chairman of the Los chareidi population). Highlights were published in June, 2002. Angeles Kiruv Chabura as well as 3 I am indebted to Professor Joseph Bodenheimer, 5 See author’s article on the topic, JO Oct. ’03. Chairman of Young Friends of Lakewood. President of The Jerusalem College of Technology, 6 Including meetings with the likes of Rabbi Michel He is a Managing Director of MFS Capital, which runs a specific chareidi Program. Professor Yehuda Lefkowitz, t’’yhka, Rosh of the a boutique investment bank in Beverly Hills. Bodenheimer, whom I spoke to in person in the Ponevezeh Yeshiva in , last year

6 The Jewish Observer

to characterize Israeli society is falls on our chareidi communities in Eretz Orthodox Jews to “maaser” their time for highly misleading. It would be more Yisroel and there has never been a bet- outreach efforts was directed at bnei accurate to say that Israeli society has ter time than now Torah, not kiruv organizations. (See JO, a strong traditional bent, and, as far The hundreds of thousands of charei- June ’73.) Similarly, the well-known “Kol as religious practice is concerned, that di Jews who in the years to come will Korei” (“The voices of our brothers are there is a continuum from the become a more statistically significant part calling to you”), addressing the Torah “strictly observant”to the “non-obser- of Israeli society have to be taught now, communities in Eretz Yisroel at the time vant,” rather than a great divide during their formative years, that “non- to help facilitate non-observant Jews to between the religious minority and observant” Jews living in Eretz Yisroel return to Torah observance, was signed secular majority. should be embraced, taught and uncon- by such leaders as Rabbi Elazar Schach, Some of the findings of The Guttman ditionally loved. All indications are – the Steipler Gaon, and Rabbi Chaim Survey are worthy of note:7 whether we rely on the findings of The Shmuelevitz l”xz. 98% of Israeli Jews who define them- selves as “totally non-observant” have a mezuzah on their front doors; No chareidi Jew in Eretz Yisroel 79% of the men among them own a should ignore the cry coming from the pair of tefillin; 77% of them say that marking non-observant community, 50% of whom Shabbos in some way is an important said they would prefer their children principle in their lives; to be “somewhat observant.” 86% of Israeli Jews believe in G-d, with 55% believing that the Torah was given to Moshe on Mount Sinai. The responsibility to ensure that no Guttman Survey or the huge amount of Even those whose dedication to the more Israeli Jews become self-defined anecdotal evidence being compiled by the calling of Torasam umenasam (a 24-hour- “non-observant” Jews lies with us. likes of Lev L’Achim, Aish Hatorah and a-day Torah scholar) limits their availabil- many others spearheading the charge – ity for kiruv will find ways of reaching out that this time, the overtures to “come back in the suggestions that follow. The Key Factor: home” will not fall on deaf ears. Ignorance Mobilizing the Obviously, intermarriage in Eretz The Unique Opportunity “Ground Troops” Yisroel is not the key cause for the major- ity of Israeli Jews to part from our meso- In Chomas Hadas, written in the early The only question, then, is, lemaaseh, rah; ignorance is. There is only one way 1920s, the Chofetz Chaim emphasized the what can you, your friends, relatives and to dispel erroneous myths about Torah tremendous obligation on each and every family in Eretz Yisroel do to heed the call? observance – address ignorance head on. Torah-observant Jew to reach out to non- Every Torah-observant Jew either As all our Gedolim have been saying in observant Jews, and the severity of knows a non-observant Jew or, at the very recent years, the answer is education. neglecting this charge. As the Chofetz least, comes into contact with estranged Note: one third of the non-observant Chaim was at pains to point out, Jews on a bus or taxi, at the market, or respondents in The Guttman Survey said “Ve’ahavta lerei’acha kamocha,” “Lo on a plane trip. Today, unlike in previ- that they would like to be “somewhat saamod al dam rei’echa,” “Hoche’ach ous generations, even the most insulat- more” or “much more” observant than tochi’ach,” and kiddush Hashem mean ed communities cannot be said to live they presently are. No chareidi Jew in that every Jew should spare no effort in in a vacuum. Eretz Yisroel should ignore the cry com- safeguarding the spiritual well-being of Allow me to list some “lay kiruv ing from the non-observant communi- a fellow Jew. The responsibility, the weapons of choice” that have been ty, 50% of whom said they would Chofetz Chaim made clear, cannot be left tried and tested, and can be utilized by prefer their children to be “somewhat to outreach organizations and a few anyone in our “Torah army” with min- observant.” askanim (activists). The task is too imal time or cost: The responsibility to heed these cries large, and the opportunity is too great, • Purim mishloach manos – Purim is to rely on a few “outreach generals” in not far off … send mishloach manos to 7 The reader should also refer to a recent article by Sara Yoheved Rigler in (July 21, 2004) the war against assimilation. We must a non-observant Jew with a simple note for more detailed comments relating to The mobilize our entire “army.” wishing him or her a happy Purim. In Guttman Survey, germane to the premise of this The stirring “call to action” issued by my experience, almost every recipient of article. Rabbi , l”xz in 1973 to such an unexpected gift will be deeply

7 March 2005

touched; it’s a small gesture that just that as long as people sincerely teach and changing spark of inspiration. In the rat might hit the spot. not preach, the emes will resonate on race oriented and often impersonal • Bikur cholim – Every major hospi- some level. world in which most non-observant Jews tal in Eretz Yisroel (and America) wel- • The transcendental beauty of Torah live, the stark contrast of displaying gen- comes volunteers and permits access to “sells itself” – Invitations to non-obser- uine care, in and of itself, makes a huge non-critical patients during specified vant Jews to join one’s family for a tra- impression. Recall Onkelos,9 whose sin- gle act of kissing a mezuzah, then responding with sincerity to a question The simple DNA of the Yiddishe posed, resulted in thousands of soldiers converting to . The potential eter- neshama is such that as long as people nal consequences of a single small act! sincerely teach and not preach, the emes will resonate on some level. Conclusion – Back to the Numbers …

hours. Which Torah-observant Jew can ditional Shabbos seuda,a Pesach seder, an As Rabbi Shmuel Bloom, Executive honestly say that he cannot spare fifteen upsheren,a siyum and the like will be Vice President of Agudath Israel, point- minutes every four weeks to spend with gladly embraced. No sensitive Jew is ed out at the opening of the recent 82nd a non-observant fellow Jew who is impervious to the varmkeit and ruchniyus National Convention – after citing bed-ridden? The many true stories of emanating from any traditional function some of our research – notwithstanding relationships that were forged when a in keeping with our mesorah. The seeds the scary prognosis of Jewish demo- person was not well and feeling vulner- planted in a Jewish soul privy to any of graphics in America,“… now is the time able, resulting in life-changing decisions, these events may take months or years that these Jews can still be saved. A gen- bear testimony to this. to germinate, but every Yiddishe eration from now will, for so many, be • Partners In Torah – Spending time neshama has its season. too late. Obviously, that realization with a fellow, less-Torah-educated Jew, This is not the forum to enumerate demands that we help all the fine either in person or over the telephone, an exhaustive laundry list of successful organizations that are involved in kiruv. has been the catalyst for literally thou- “kiruv techniques for the layperson.”At But organizations and kiruv profession- sands reevaluating and upgrading their the end of the day, it is usually a small als can only reach a small percentage of commitment to Yiddishkeit. As our magnanimous gesture that ignites the Jews. Once and for all, each and every tells us “devarim hayotzim min dormant spark within. More often than one of us has to realize that he or she has haleiv nichnasim el haleiv.” 8 – The sim- not, a simple smile or “giving a fellow the personal responsibility to the ple DNA of the Yiddishe neshama is such Jew the time of day” becomes a life- Ribbono shel Olam to save His children…. If we love Hakadosh Baruch Hu and we take our Yiddishkeit seriously, we must realize that He is, kevayachol, crying in pain that so many of His children have drifted from home. We, and only we, have the ability to bring them back….” Rabbi Bloom’s words must be echoed to Eretz Yisroel with as much vigor. The data is in … the demographic wave clear- ly points to a unique opportunity for the Torah-observant community in Eretz Yisroel to become an ambassador of Hakadosh Baruch Hu in the decades ahead…. Our Gedolim have spoken…. Our chareidi brothers and sisters in Eretz Yisroel should be ready to embrace this opportunity with the passion that it deserves. d

8 Sefer Shivas Yisroel, Rabbi Moshe Ibn Ezra 9 Bavli, Avoda Zora 11a

8 The Jewish Observer

Farewell to Rabbi Eliezer Geldzahler l”xz

Rabbi Eliezer Geldzahler, of Yeshiva Ohr Yisroel in Canarsie, passed away on 9 Kislev (November 22). He died as a result of severe head injuries sustained in a bus accident in Israel ten months before, when he seized the steering wheel of the bus carrying his talmidim, in an attempt to avoid a devastating collision with a truck. He is survived by his parents, Rabbi Yehoshua Geldzhaler (founding Rosh Yeshiva and dean of Yeshiva and Mesivta Ohr Yisroel in Forest Hills, NY, for over forty years) and his Rebbetzin (daughter of Rabbi Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler l”xz), his wife and his thirteen children, the youngest of whom is 2 1/2 months old. His concern for others and grasp of Torah were rare and profound, as were his zest for life and his love of Hashem. His loss is mourned by tens of thousands throughout the world. This article is based on the eulogy delivered by his father-in-law, Rabbi Michel Twerski, at Congregation Beth Jehudah in Milwaukee on 19 Kislev. It was transcribed by Nachum Abrams and edited for publication by Dr. Ayton Grinell, a member of the kehilla.

I. Facing the Challenge meaning, to make sense of this dread- hoped-for recovery. Wherever we went, ful event. Over the last half century, very we were stopped with the question,“How erhaps one of the most profound few people have had so many fervent tefil- is Reb Eliezer doing?” challenges of the last ten months, los said on their behalf as did my son- Indeed, what did happen to our P and even more so now with Reb in-law. Throughout our travels in prayers? Can it be that G-d ignored so Eliezer’s passing, is trying to understand America, Europe and Israel, we found many heartfelt petitions? how the Master of the Universe runs His people petitioning the Almighty, recit- Another problem: There is an abid- world. It is evident from people’s ques- ing Tehillim, giving charity, and making ing sense of apprehension, of fear. We find tions and comments that they are strug- deeper and more extensive commitments ourselves wrestling with strange, unde- gling, as we are ourselves, to extract to shemiras hamitzvos in the merit of his fined anxieties. What is happening to us?

21 March 2005

Most importantly, we are all desper- could stand on his feet again and light ciate what He does for us, and we impor- ate for consolation. What can we do to up the world in spite of his injuries, it tuned Him for our parnassa (livelihood), assuage our grief? Let’s begin with our was Eliezer. It didn’t happen! G-d, our health, our children, our families, feelings of rejection. Are they justified? assumedly, wasn’t listening to us. Deep understanding, and a legion of other down, we felt rejected and disdained. needs. Virtually without exception, Even now that the shiva has passed and Hashem gave us what we wanted, hun- Rejection in Context we should have achieved perspective and dreds of millions of affirmative replies. clarity, we continue to feel a sense of Amongst the multitude of requests to Over the last ten months, we all humiliation. Was G-d listening ? which Hashem said “Yes,”there was one poured our hearts out to our Maker. We Stop and reflect. During these ten exclusion to which He resolutely said asked the Master of the Universe to heal months, there were in excess of three “No”: the prayer for Reb Eliezer. We can- Eliezer in spite of his terrible injuries. We hundred million tefillos addressed by Klal not, in all honesty, in the context of such refused to believe the doctors who told Yisroel to Hashem. Not just for Reb vast responsiveness, legitimately contend us it was hopeless, because we believe in Eliezer! We davened three times every day that He rejected our prayers. But there a G-d who can do anything. And we for ourselves, for our loved ones, for Jews is more than rejection. We feel troubled believed that if there was anyone who everywhere. We told G-d that we appre- and confused. We are anguished because there is more going on beneath the sur- face. I believe the issue we need to explore BOOKLETSBOOKLETS is that of “control.” Control… and AVAILABLEAVAILABLE Vulnerability • Pathway to Action • Building the World We live in an age of control. Science • Big Lesson from Little Ants and technology have placed at our dis- posal exceptional dominion over our • 7 Keys to Derech Eretz physical universe, and our culture has • Greatest Speech in History inculcated us with the arrogance of • Siman Tov – as a Memory Aid power. The crowning touch to our $5.00 each, all for $26.00 contemporary conceit is the advent of the computer. We order, it obeys; we demand, it delivers. With pernicious Yeshiva Fund stealth, the computer has become the Box 82, Staten Island, NY 10309 operational paradigm of our relation- ship with the Divine. Over the past ten months, we pushed Uncle Moishy, Dedi all the appropriate keys; we entered all Digest of Meforshim Avrohom Fried, the relevant information, the Tehillim, and other leading yjvkl rtb yjvkl our mitzvos, our charity… – and our l”xz rijla lavms g”hrhm Heavenly computer was not forthcom- Jewish entertainers ing. We were inexplicably unnerved and are available Available at indignant. How could this be? If we exam- to visit LEKUTEI ine the contours of our emotions, we will c/o Yitzchok Rosenberg discover beneath the grief a sense of ter- seriously ill 1445 54th Street ror emanating from the ugly realization children Brooklyn, NY 11219-4228 that we are not in total control of our 718-854-6701 thanks to lives. Reb Eliezer’s petira (passing) has SIMCHAS CHAVA 20 Volumes on Torah, Perek, Medrash, tmsn rczl forced us to step back from our arrogance h’’i bkiy ‘r tb hvu Megilos, Talmud, and Tehilim. and acknowledge that a greater Wisdom A Chessed project run by Proceeds of sales distributed among and Power is Sovereign over our fate. Agudath Israel of America Yeshivos and used for reprinting of in conjunction with volumes out-of-print Unaccustomed as we are to such vulner- Suki & Ding Productions ability, we are justifiably overcome by our To set up an appointment, call: PRICE: $8.00 PER VOLUME (212) 797-9000 Ext.235 new awareness of the fragility of life… and we are frightened.

22 The Jewish Observer

Faith in the attention and advice would surround ers, and take the easy way out of medi- Shadow of Silence him. When he would join a group of ocrity and self-reproach. In a very fun- dancers at a wedding, an electric charge damental way, my son-in-law’s life Finally, the loss of my son-in-law would surge through the circle, carry- mission and career represented an forces us to stand next to Avraham Avinu ing the dancers to new levels of excite- unspoken declaration of war on medi- at the moment of the Akeida (the ment and fervor. His capacity to ignite ocrity, and an impassioned outspoken Binding of Yitzchak), where there is noth- his surroundings was unsurpassed. crusade to promulgate each individual’s ing left but pure, absolute, boundless There is a key to this ability and this obligation to strive for personal excel- faith. When Avraham Avinu prepared to magnetism, and in paying tribute to my lence. put the knife to his son’s throat, the world son-in-law, it is essential that we under- My son-in-law was an authentic as a comprehensible entity ceased to exist. stand it thoroughly. Permit me to reflect Torah hero, a gadol in all three pillars: It is no less so now. When a man of Reb on the world’s fascination with heroes. Torah, avoda and gemillas chassadim.He Eliezer’s stature is taken from us—a Why is it that we so strongly identify with might have used his brilliance to focus young father, a son, a husband, an inspir- heroes? I believe it goes to the predilec- on himself, to promote his personal ing teacher and Torah scholar—we are tion most people have towards compla- stature, and by extension, the adulation shaken and crushed. We find ourselves cency. While the majority of us entertain of his peers and talmidim. Instead, he suspended where there is nothing but the worthy ambitions, and dream grandiose chose to dedicate his prodigious gifts to awesome silence awaiting our faith and dreams, we seem peculiarly unable to stimulate the quest for excellence in all trust. In the shadow of that faith, there translate these aspirations into reality. The who sought his tutelage or advice, and are no questions, and we can be at peace; reason is as simple as it is obvious. turn them into heroes of their own beyond that shadow, we learn that accord. A brief overview of his history there are no answers, and we are con- reveals the way this principle was man- demned to unremitting pain and grief. His Quest for Excellence ifest in his life. Reb Eliezer was a paragon of consum- mate faith, maintaining in times of grave Excellence of any meaningful sort crisis his signature “Gevaldik!” – an ever- necessitates industry and perseverance, Of Persistence, present affirmation that the Ribbono shel and we don’t like hard work. Ineluctably, Resolve, and Joy Olam is in charge and all is well. Our we sink into mediocrity, and in medi- readiness to be inspired by his example ocrity we realize that we have betrayed From his earliest years, Reb Eliezer at this critical juncture is at once a ges- the fulfillment of our excellence and failed demonstrated an aversion to coasting on ture of great merit to his neshama, and our personal promise. The resultant self- his gifted kishronos (talents). By age 13, a testimony to his supreme triumph as contempt is unbearable; for relief, we turn he had mastered and diligently memo- our teacher. to heroes. Identifying with heroes pro- rized Mesechta Zevachim in its entirety. vides us with vicarious excellence. We live While yet in yeshiva, he would common- through the distinction and glory of oth- ly learn for six consecutive hours with II. Reb Eliezer – A Blazing Fire

Reb Eliezer was full of such efferves- cence and vitality that we can only call him a blaze of fire; someone so passion- ate and imposing, that we were compelled to be his students. We felt drawn to him and were eager to be in his company. What about Reb Eliezer had this effect on us? I believe that it was because he elevated everyone everywhere he went. This was true not only of his talmidim, who venerated him, and to whom his every word of encouragement meant so much, but to everyone who crossed his path, young and old, close or distant. His presence was infectious and uplifting. When he would enter a large public gath- ering, clusters of people vying for his

23 March 2005

unbroken concentration and song, take As Reb Eliezer grew, he turned this Eliezer’s very presence made an implic- a brief respite, and return for another six- perspective and force on others. it demand upon his surroundings: hour stretch. At night, he would line up Ultimately, he became the quintessen- “Vechazakta vehayisa le’ish – stand up three shtenders and lean on them so that tial mentor, teaching hundreds of for yourself and be the very strongest per- he would not fall asleep while learning. talmidim to renounce their mediocrity son you can be!” When, on occasion, he would nod off, in favor of pursuing their full promise. the shtenders would fall down and he My son-in-law had an ability, an would get up and learn some more. inspired sense, to recognize the unique Candles in the Dark Reb Eliezer intuitively grasped even endowments of each of his charges, and then that, aptitude notwithstanding, his urged that image upon them until it Let me close with an image. During the summer months, Ohr Yisroel moved its program to the Catskills. At least once He insisted on teaching ninth grade every year during this period, the Rebbetzin and I would travel to the coun- instead of a higher level, so he could try to visit with our children and grand- get to know his talmidim from the children, an interlude of particular beginning, the better to guide delight. Typically, at the third meal on Shabbos, the lights would go out, as is their constant ascent. the practice at Shalosh Seudos in many Chassidic circles, and it would become impenetrably dark in the dining room. potential could only be addressed with burned in the forefront of their minds. Two hundred students sat together tireless persistence and resolve. He also For that reason, he insisted on teaching with Reb Eliezer at their head, and they intuited another crucial element, the ninth grade instead of a higher level, so would sing zemiros of yearning and indispensability of joy and passion. he could get to know his talmidim from deveikus. Sometimes they would sing for Reb Eliezer managed to find and expose the beginning, the better to guide their an hour or more, invariably with pas- in every possible moment and precinct constant ascent. Reb Eliezer demand- sion and gusto. It was paradise. Then it of life the simcha and exhilaration ed, encouraged, exhorted and pushed would become quiet, and Reb Eliezer which that moment held. Throughout until hashalheves ala mei’eileha – until would speak. He would urge the boys to his young life, my son-in-law’s industry his students were ignited with a vision live completely; he would move them for- and simcha transformed him from a of their achievable potential. He set a new ward to themselves. He filled them with dreamer of great dreams to a maker of bar of excellence for Chassidishe yeshiv- his fire, and infused them with his temer- great realities. How else could he have os, as Ohr Yisroel’s talmidim attained the ity. In the dark, he was a voice that called completed Shas with mefarshim in forefront of accomplishment in them to their greatness. Then, long after depth by his thirty-fifth birthday? Gemara, halacha and sifrei mussar.Reb Shabbos had ended, a little boy would bring two candles and set them down in front of Reb Eliezer. Just his face would be lit and visible. We find ourselves now in a very dark place where we can no longer see Reb Eliezer’s face. But we can hear his voice as he calls out to us, “Don’t live in the dungeons of idle dreams. Don’t be par- alyzed by complacency and mediocrity. Live what G-d has given you to the fullest. Live with the passion of your bright futures. Live with song and joy. Live with love and concern for each other. And ded- icate all of these things to the Ribbono shel Olam.” May Moshiach tzidkeinu set the can- dles before us that will light up the world, and in that light, we will see Reb Eliezer again with his radiant smile, urging us to even greater life. d

24 SHALOM BAYIS-PLUS

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE

A Review Article by Rabbi Mordechai Biser

he Gemara (Berachos 32b) with young married men in Lakewood process of writing Dear Son, a book for teaches us that four things on shalom bayis matters. Based in large young men similar to Dear Daughter. require constant effort and part on these vaadim, he wrote bvj lcs Based on the manuscript he left, and the T – bvj lcs chizuk (reinforcement). Included in the a beautiful sefer for chassanim to material in , his family complet- list are maasim tovim (good deeds) and learn during shana rishona (first year of ed the book and it has just been published. derech eretz (proper conduct). Surely The book is written in the form of included in those categories is chizuk for short letters “from the heart” from a shalom bayis, improving our marital rela- father to his newly married son, and in tionship.1 But in our hectic and often har- this fashion it very pleasantly and gen- ried lives, where do we find meaningful tly presents the chassan with a wealth of inspiration and realistic, practical advice guidance. Based firmly on the teachings to enable us to work at improving our of Chazal, and illustrated with marvelous marriage, and how do we find the time stories and anecdotes drawn largely from to put such advice into practice? the author’s own life experiences, Dear There are, fortunately, quite a num- Son takes the reader through many top- ber of books (and some tape series) that ics essential to building shalom bayis.The present the Torah perspective on this vital secular vs. the Torah view of love, the topic. Learning any of these is a good importance of viewing one’s spouse pos- place to start; what follows is a brief itively, how to speak with your wife, learn- review of a few of the more recently- ing her language, how to apologize, how released works. Following the reviews are to resolve differences, how to avoid anger, some suggestions as how to best provide and much more are all discussed with young couples with advice on shalom marriage) and beyond. Rabbi warmth and wisdom, and spiced with wit bayis in a way that will have a lasting Goldschmidt then wrote Dear and humor. What is particularly special impact on their marriages.2 Daughter,3 which presents Torah wisdom about Dear Son is that the advice is pre- and advice to about-to-be-married and sented in a style that is so caring and Dear Son,by Rabbi Eliyohu Goldschmidt newly married young women on how to pleasant that the reader won’t feel he is (Mesorah Publications, Brooklyn, NY, achieve and maintain shalom bayis. being lectured to—divrei chachamim 2004) When he was niftar (passed away) four benachas nishma’im—but he will feel years ago, Rabbi Goldschmidt was in the inspired to listen to the author’s advice Rabbi Boruch Eliyohu Goldschmidt 1 Heard from Rabbi Yisroel Rokowsky Rabbi Aharon Feldman’s The River, the Kettle, l”xz , former Mashgiach of the Yeshiva of 2 This article is a review only of those books and the Bird; Rabbi Ezriel Tauber’s To Become South Fallsburg, for many years conduct- and tapes that were presented to the author One; Rabbi Zelig Pliskin’s Marriage;Rabbi ed weekly vaadim (discussion groups) to review for the Jewish Observer. It is far from Shmuel Eisenblatt’s Fulfillment in Marriage; a comprehensive survey of the Torah litera- Rabbi Yirmiyahu and Tehilla Abramov’s Two Rabbi Biser is Associate General Counsel ture in English on marriage, and should not Halves of a Whole; Malka Kaganoff’s Dear of Agudath Israel of America. His first arti- be taken as indicating a preference for the Kallah; Atara Malach’s You Owe it to Yourself, cle in JO was “Shalom Bayis: The Need for books reviewed as opposed to the other books and many more. Formal Hadracha,” Summer ’01. He is still in the field. Indeed, there are a number of 3 This book was reviewed in these pages by Mrs. trying to be a good husband. other excellent works on the topic, including Devorah Biser in June ’01.

32 The Jewish Observer

and attempt to implement it. revitalize your love – even when you reviewed in this article? Rabbi Twerski But don’t be misled by the title; Dear will both be in your nineties.4 explains that Son applies equally to husbands of all Dear Son tells husbands just what [O]ne of the side effects of mod- ages. It is never too late to change even “things” to do and say – and what not ern life has been that patience and years of bad habits and improve one’s to – to keep our marriages in full bloom. willingness to work things out are marriage. The book includes the story often in short supply. Technology has of a doctor who once told Rabbi The First Year of Marriage,by Rabbi eroded our tolerance for endurance. Goldschmidt about the niflaos haBorei Abraham J. Twerski, M.D. (Mesorah Jet planes, fax machines, instant (Divine miracles) that are evidenced in Publications, Brooklyn, NY, 2004) foods and microwave ovens have the amazing ability of the human liver habituated us to want and expect to regenerate itself after an operation. Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski, M.D., a results immediately…. Science and Years later, this doctor came to Rabbi prolific author who has given us many technology have eliminated so many Goldschmidt for advice about his rebel- books filled with wisdom and practical sources of discomfort that our pred- lious son, and it came out that the obvi- advice for living, has just written The First ecessors experienced that many peo- ous cause of the son’s leaving home was Year of Marriage. Appropriately subti- ple think there should be no the years of marital discord between the tled “Enhancing the success of your mar- discomfort in life, and if someone is doctor and his wife. “If you want your uncomfortable, there must be a pill son back, you have to fix your marriage,” to relieve it.5 said Rabbi Goldschmidt. But the reality is that there will be dis- “But rabbi, the chance of love in our comfort in building a marital relation- marriage is dead,” responded the doc- ship, and couples who read this book will tor. “We’ve learned to live together know in advance not only that such prob- after a fashion… But love? Serenity? lems are normal and to be expected, but Harmony?” also how to deal with them and grow Rabbi Goldschmidt reminded him of from them. The First Year of Marriage their conversation years earlier about the is a sort of road map and instruction liver, and explained that a Jewish marriage manual for shana rishona, a set of “is also a regenerative organ. No matter directions that points out in advance the how badly it is damaged, it can be brought obstacles, pitfalls, challenges, and oppor- back to life. That is how the Creator made tunities for growth that couples are like- it. He blessed it with deep, inexhaustible ly to encounter as they enter married life. wellsprings of love and joy. If you dig Based largely on Torah wisdom, and down far enough, you will find them, and spiced with the author’s insights into your marriage will become once again like human nature drawn from his psychi- a rose in full bloom, fragrant and beau- atric training and years of counseling tiful to behold.”The doctor listened, and riage right from the start—and even experience, Rabbi Twerksi’s book should saved his marriage and his son. before it begins,”this book belongs at the help many achieve a successful and har- Rabbi Goldschmidt explains: top of the required reading list for all monious shana rishona—which in turn Every Friday night, we say “Lecha engaged and newly married couples. will establish the solid foundation for a dodi likras kalla. Let us go, my Rabbi Twerski says he wrote the book lifetime. beloved, to greet the bride.”We wel- because “young people are woefully Rabbi Twerski starts by showing us come every Shabbos as a kalla,a bride, unprepared for marriage”; in many how many of a young couple’s precon- not a wife. Reb Tzaddok explains that families, “more time is spent on the ceptions about what their married rela- every Shabbos must be viewed as a arrangements for the wedding, which will tionship should be like or how their renewal of holiness, and it must be last only a few hours, than for the cou- home should operate come from their greeted with renewed feelings in our ple’s relationship, which should last a life- own upbringing, and this knowledge hearts. time.” The purpose of The First Year of alone will help the young couple better It is the same with marriage. You Marriage is to enable couples to under- adapt to the differences they encounter must always look at your wife as a stand most of the common sources of in each other. He then deals with great bride, and you must keep your feel- misunderstanding and potential conflict wisdom with such issues as how and ings for her fresh and vigorous. For that often arise during shana rishona, and when to criticize and how to react to crit- the rest of your life, you must con- to give them practical advice as to how icism, dealing with low self-esteem, avoid- tinue doing and saying things that will to handle them. ing controlling behavior, anger, stress, Why do we need such a book, or mood changes, raising children, in-law 4 Dear Son,p.80 indeed, any of the books and tapes relationships, and much, much more.

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While this is an eclectic work, contain- many fewer people who would ever need Cohen’s What Did You Say?: Making ing both Chassidic stories and quotes to read Part II. Yourself Understood in Marriage provides from contemporary non-Jewish us with that knowledge. It is based on authors, inspiring divrei Torah and What Did You Say? (Making Yourself the author’s Habayit Hayehudi,a book practical hands-on marriage counseling Understood in Marriage),by Rabbi widely popular in Israel. Rabbi Cohen, advice, the message is always one that is Simcha Cohen (Simcha Cohen, 2000) an acclaimed lecturer and marriage coun- firmly grounded in a Torah hashkafa. selor, delves deeply into classic Torah Interestingly, the book ends with a Part Good marriages are built upon good sources in every chapter, and then pres- II—several chapters of advice for those marital communication in particular. ents the application of those timeless les- entering second marriages. But if every What information can we acquire that sons for married couples. Indeed, What newly married couple were to follow will give us the concrete, practical Did You Say? is a fascinating combina- Rabbi Twerski’s advice and read, and then knowledge to improve our daily inter- tion of gently presented but powerful from time to time reread, Part I of The actions and avoid negativity and mussar together with down-to-earth First Year of Marriage, there would be destructive criticism? Rabbi Simcha advice, drawn from the author’s many years of experience in counseling cou- ples. Starting with sound advice for dat- ing and shidduchim, Rabbi Cohen then

By Rabbi Abraham Portal

This sefer “Chazarat Hashas” is unique. It will be of great help to the scholars, Yeshiva and Daf Hayomi students. What benefits can one derive from it? Magid shi’ur: All minute details for the lesson are prepared for you. Yeshiva students: Your bki’us seder made easy, and fruitful. Guaranteed! Now you can prepare a shi’ur based on Rambam, Ra’vad, Shulchan Aruch and Me’iri. Talmidey Daf Hayomi Before the Shi’ur: Preview the daf ahead of time. Knowing what it is all about beforehand, will help you to concentrate and understand the Gemara fully. It will also enable you to participate in class discussions. takes us step-by-step through the chal- After the shiur: Review intensively the psak halacha relevant to the daf. lenges and pitfalls of marital communi- Test Yourself: Find out how well you have reviewed the daf. You will note that the first cation. He shows us dramatically, lines of each halacha are highlighted, while the balance is not. This will help you test through Torah sources and real-life yourself by looking at the highlighted lines, and thereafter see whether you know the rest. examples, why giving compliments is Your Chavrusa: When you test yourself – as indicated above – you serve as your own sometimes so difficult and, yet, why chavrusa, you ask the questions and you answer them. bestowing the right type of compliment Mastering the daf: Now you will have the ability to have the Rambam, Shulchan Aruch, is so vital to a relationship. When and the Me’iri on the tip of your fingers. how to criticize, understanding our Seder Zra’im, Moed, Noshim and Nezikin covering 28 gemoros , have been printed by spouse’s needs, how to understand and now. Each set is in two volumes, and cost only $35.00. talk your spouse’s language, how to apol- ogize, and how and what to talk about Seder Nezikin already printed and is on its way from Israel. It will be available in book are some of the many other topics stores in mid January ‘05. addressed in this valuable book. As we Seder Kodshim, Taharos will be printed in two volumes shortly IM”YH. read through the examples, we often can This will complete the whole Shas in eight volumes and 39 massechtos. see and hear ourselves, which helps open us up to the author’s advice as to how Seforim may be ordered directly from the Mechaber at: we can, and should, change the way we (718) 544-6544, or from the following distributors: communicate with our spouses. In New York: HAMOER (718) 437-0054, Fax: (718) 437-3514 In Israel: HAMASURA (02) 535-6413 5 The First Year of Marriage, pp. 18, 54

34 The Jewish Observer

Ten Minutes a Day to a Better Marriage, by Dr. Meir Wikler (Mesorah Public- MASTER DAF ations, Brooklyn, NY, 2003) • 4-5 blatt per tape GittyGitty • Each Daf is read, For a kollel couple approaching shana translated, and explained rishona in proper fashion, there should PinterPinter slowly and clearly in just be plenty of time for both husband and 20 minutes Experienced Shadchan wife to work on building their relation- $4 per tape (plus S&H) for all age groups ship. For the rest of us, when do we do • • Subscription rate: $3 per tape for the Orthodox Jewish community. it? We can be inspired by Dear Son or (plus S&H) Dear Daughter, absorb the wealth of Rabbinical references available knowledge contained in What Did You 1-718-435-5438 • 1-800-966-6026 Home: (718) 338-1765 Say? or any of the other Torah-based A project of the Slabodka Yeshiva Pager: (917) 486-5655 guides to successful marriage, and resolve that we are going to change. But how, in the midst of our busy days and lives, can we actually change our normal routine in such a way that we apply that

inspiration and that knowledge, put our marriage on a path toward improvement, and start transforming our relationship with our spouse for the better? Dr. Meir Wikler’s Ten Minutes a Day To a Better Marriage provides an answer. Drawing on his over 20 years of experi- It feels better just to talk about it. That’s ence as a family counselor, the advice of why we’re here. Our staff is made up of his colleagues, and the wisdom of the caring and sensitive individuals. Together, we can help you explore your options. We Torah, Dr. Wikler presents a simple but can refer you to recognized professionals extraordinarily effective plan for helping for counseling, legal advice or help in our marriages fulfill their great potential. finding a safe environment. We can also put you in touch with some very special Dr. Wikler, in this well-thought-out Rabbis. But in order for us to reach out to and well-written book that uses actual you, you must first reach out to us. case histories from his practice to illus- Confidential Hotline 1.888.883.2323 trate his advice, begins by presenting the (Toll Free) “ground rules” for all marital commu- nication. He explains how to express neg- 718.337.3700 (NYC Area) ative feelings constructively, listen to Do it for yourself. negative feelings non-defensively, Do it for your children. Shalom Task Force is a 501(c)(3) charitable organization express positive feelings properly, and lis-

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ten to positive feelings without awkward- conflict resolution techniques that real- their lectures, men and women can ness. He then advances the seemingly ly work, and building closeness and cre- learn much about how to communi- simple idea that no matter how busy your ating emotional intimacy. cate with their spouses. . . . daily schedule, everyone can (and must) One of the things that strikes the read- Imagine that a conflict arises find ten minutes each day for a private er is how many of the arguments and between a newly married couple. appointment with one’s spouse, devot- misunderstandings expressed by the Because of their premarital study, ed solely to genuine communication— couples in Dr. Wikler’s case studies are they ...recognize the underlying for talking about something that matters about seemingly “little things” that take problem, and realize it is the sort of to you or listening to something that mat- on major importance. But in truth, it is thing liable to happen in any mar- ters to your spouse. in dealing with all the seemingly small riage. As a result, they can sit down Many of our daily conversations things that marital relationships can together calmly and try to work out with our spouse in reality consist of lit- either deteriorate or grow stronger. the difficulty.7 tle more than a discussion of plans, Yet, realistically, in the hectic but excit- errands, instructions, relaying of mes- ing days between the lechayim and the sages, and the like; this is not what Dr. Hadracha for the About- chassuna, what chassan or kalla is going Wikler means by communication. The To-Be and Newly Married to read one, or several, books on shalom bulk of his book consists of describing bayis? How, then, do we reach our chas- in detail exactly what those 10 minutes As all those involved in counseling sanim and kallos, and help them build of daily communication should, and couples urge, it is vital to provide newly their bayis ne’eman right from the should not, consist of. engaged couples with the Torah infor- start? Dr. Wikler demonstrates with exam- mation and tools to help them start their In this author’s humble opinion, a ples from the dialogues of actual cou- relationship out properly and guide them vehicle already exists to help teach ples how, following his 10-minute-a-day through the opportunities and obstacles chassanim and kallos about shalom plan and his guidelines for effective of shana rishona.6 As Rabbi Simcha bayis: chassan and kalla classes. Every speaking and listening, husbands and Cohen writes: chassan and every kalla in our commu- wives can resolve even long-standing, In recent years, engaged couples nity attends a number of sessions—usu- deep-seated disputes and differences. For take lessons not only in the laws of ally individually with a private example, by seeing how Hadassah and family purity, but also in the art of instructor—for instruction in taharas Mutty resolved their disagreement over living together harmoniously. This is hamishpacha and other halachic aspects where to go on vacation, and how Sam a very welcome development. As of married life. If those teaching them and Nava worked out a solution to their experienced marriage counselors were to add on to each session the essen- after-shul plans for Shabbos mornings, can testify, practically all problems tial basics for success in shalom bayis, the we see not only that peaceful resolution that arise in married life are ultimate- young couple would begin married life of disagreements is possible, but we also ly caused not by the couple’s differ- with at least an understanding of the learn how to achieve it. ences in character, but by their issues they are likely to confront.8 A num- In addition to counseling us on the inability to deal with these differences. ber of American yeshivos, including importance of good communication with Each partner should learn as much Lakewood, are now providing chassan- one’s spouse, Dr. Wikler’s book contains as possible about building marital im with a series of shiurim on this aspect chapters on constructive criticism, gain- harmony beforehand, rather than of marriage, in recognition of the fact ing control over one’s own anger and learning it the hard way afterwards. that the standard one-time chassan dealing with your spouse’s anger, how Whether through courses, seminars, shmues by the Mashgiach is no longer suf- to shield children from marital conflict, books by Torah scholars, or tapes of ficient.9 We would be well advised to urge

6 As discussed previously in these pages in “Shalom told me that he has remembered this advice every 10 Imagine the impact if Roshei Yeshiva and rab- Bayis: The Need for Formal Hadracha,”Summer time he and his wife have been running late for banim, as a condition of agreeing to serve as ’01 a chassuna, and it has saved him from getting mesadeir kiddushin, were to insist that the cou- ple receive instruction in shalom bayis. 7 What Did You Say?, pp. 63-64 annoyed literally hundreds of times over the past thirty years. 11 Nevertheless, I strongly recommend that 8 For example, I was told by someone prominent 9 engaged bachurim in yeshiva at least make an effort in our community that he still remembers Rabbi For this purpose, I have prepared, under the guid- to learn Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe’s Myntul hcrdh yrmam Label Katz (author of Ohel Aryei, a sefer on hil- ance of Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern, a brief out- and/or Rabbi Chaim Friedlander’s Mvls yc tidyv chos nidda for chassanim) telling them that they line for chassan teachers in English, based largely Clha . Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern (952-314-4116 should expect their wives to be late for almost on the kuntreisim for chassanim of Rabbi or [email protected]) can direct callers as every chassuna they would attend throughout their Shlomo Wolbe and Rabbi Chaim Friedlander. to how to obtain these kuntreisim (pamphlets). married life. Rather than express annoyance, Rabbi Complete with sources and anecdotes, it presents Katz told them, they should remember each time the basics for shalom bayis in five sessions. Chassan 12 The tapes can be obtained directly from Rabbi that she is delayed by dressing up and putting on teachers interested in obtaining this outline should Morgenstern at the number listed in the previ- make-up to look good for you. This individual contact me directly at 212-797-9000. ous footnote.

36 The Jewish Observer

every yeshiva, seminary, and chassan and Yakov Horowitz, menahel of Yeshiva educate the couple embarking on the kalla teacher to take immediate steps to Darchei Noam in Monsey, and Program challenge of building a Torah home. It include education for shalom bayis in the Director of Agudath Israel’s Project includes a beautiful explanation of the information they impart to chassanim Y.E.S.13 Rabbi Horowitz’s experience in Torah perspective on marriage, advice and kallos.10 trying to help at-risk teens, many of on setting goals and establishing Torah But until shalom bayis education whom come from homes lacking in values for your home, an introduction becomes the norm rather than the proper shalom bayis, inspired him to pro- to the basic principles of time manage- exception for soon-to-be married couples, duce this series of lectures, which were ment (to help enable us to spend more what should be done? While by no means delivered in Flatbush last spring. This time on what is really important in our the equivalent of personal instruction, well-thought-out series of talks from lives, such as our spouses and children), there are now tapes available that every prominent experts (including rabbanim, guidance in the areas of marital commu- chassan and kalla should acquire and hear. a marriage counselor, a time manage- nication and relationship building (Dr. They may not have the time to read some ment trainer, and a financial planner) in Shlomo Schuck’s “Ten Rules for books or learn a sefer,11 but they proba- their respective fields will do much to Communication in Marriage” are excel- bly will have time when driving or walking to listen, for example, to Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern’s excellent set of tapes Subscribe or give a gift of on the subject. Rabbi Morgenstern, who received his hadracha in shalom bayis training and marriage counseling from The Jewish Observer Rabbi Moshe Aaron Stern, has packed into eight shiurim for chassanim and an equivalent set for kallos the essential wis- and $ave! dom and advice of Chazal and our gedolim on building a Torah marriage.12 This is WHY NOT GIVE OR GET A PRESENT the ideal engagement gift, because by giv- THAT WILL LAST AN ENTIRE YEAR ing these tapes you are giving the couple ? the knowledge and the tools that they need ubscribe, or give a gift at these reduced prices for a lifetime of marital harmony. Based S and The Jewish Observer– filled with the views on divrei Chazal and the writings of recent Torah authorities, these lectures, spiced of leading Torah thinkers on current issues – will with real anecdotes to illustrate their be delivered each month, directly to your door. points, cover the gamut of married life, The longer you subscribe for, the larger your savings. including the responsibilities of a success- ful husband and wife, strengthening the Of course, this offer is unconditionally marital bond, causes and prevention of guaranteed; you may cancel at any time and receive anger, and do’s and don’ts when disagree- a refund for all undelivered copies. ments arise. A major advantage to these So order today, and the very next issue will be tapes is that there are different tapes for the chassan and the kalla; since there are on its way to you as soon as possible. profound differences between men and women and in their obligations in mar- ❏ YES, I want to take advantage of this money saving offer! Enter my order as follows: riage, the best hadracha must present dif- ❏ ❏ SELF and/or GIFT** Name ______ferent messages to each one. The tapes USA OUTSIDE ONLY USA Address ______should ideally be listened to before the ❏ 3 years Cover Price $105 Your cost $69 $114* City ______chassuna, again during shana rishona, and ❏ 2 years Cover Price $70 Your cost $48 $78* thereafter from time to time. We need con- State ______Zip______❏ 1 year Cover Price $35 Your cost $25 $40* stantly to remind ourselves, even years after ❏** Send gift card from: ______shana rishona, of the wisdom contained ❏ Enclosed: $ ______therein. or Charge my: ❏ MasterCard ❏ VISA Another tape series was just recent- 42 Broadway, 14th Floor, New York, NY 10004 Account No. ______The Jewish Observer is published monthly except July and August. ly developed under the guidance of Rabbi Please allow 4 - 6 weeks for delivery. Exp. Date: (month/year) ______*Outside U.S.A. price reflects $15 extra per year to defray air 13 3 digit security code ______These tapes, entitled the “Zichron Akiva Bayis shipping costs. Foreign payment must be made in U.S. dollars, either Ne’eman Seminar,”can be obtained by calling 845- by check drawn on a bank in the U.S.A. or by VISA or MasterCard. Signature ______426-2243 or e-mailing bayisn@rabbihorowitz .com.

37 March 2005

lent guidelines for every couple), and from a mentor, and set aside time to lis- cept is that a group gets together about direction for developing a financial ten to some of the tapes and read some once a month and hears a presentation plan for your family. The Bayis Ne’eman of the books discussed in this article. on a particular aspect that could use Seminar, in short, consists of practical, But the hadracha shouldn’t stop strengthening in a marital relationship, hands-on advice for couples in those with the end of shana rishona. People and then works daily on implementing areas of life that are key ingredients in change as they go through life, and as the lesson learned for the next few weeks. building a relationship and a family. Of new challenges arise within each fami- The idea is that “hergel naaseh teva”— course, no books or tapes can or should ever ly, couples need some form of ongoing we become habituated to proper hanha- be a substitute for a Rav or Rebbe, whom hadracha, or at least an occasional gos and thus make them a part of our every couple needs, and to whom they “tune-up.”One way to help ensure that daily lives.14 should turn for guidance on these matters. husbands in particular get this guidance Shalom bayis, good marital commu- is to combine shalom bayis classes with nication, and a closer marital relation- review shiurim on Hilchos Nidda—a con- ship do not come by themselves. They After the Chassuna cept that is already being implemented take much siyata diShamaya and serious in a number of shuls. hishtadlus. All married couples should Those involved in preparing about- resolve to set aside quality time on a fair- to-be-married couples for shalom bayis ly regular basis to work on improving issues agree that, regardless of what infor- The Shalom Bayis Vaad their marriage and their shalom bayis; mation they manage to impart prior to the books and tapes mentioned in this the chassuna, the main hadracha ideal- For the genuinely ambitious, yet article are a good place to start. d ly should take place during shana rishona. another step could be attending a Issues and problems that were only the- monthly “vaad” on the topic. The con- oretical before the chuppa suddenly 14 Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern has prepared a tape KARKA IN ERETZ YISROEL series of 12 vaadim for husbands and a correspon- Call Rabbi Gavriel Beer for information become real, and it is then that the cou- on obtaining cemetery plots in Beth ple needs the greatest guidance. Shana ding set for wives; potential vaad leaders inter- ested in starting a vaad in their community should Shemesh and other locations in Israel. rishona is the best time for both husband contact him (see footnote 11 above) for more infor- 011-972-2-656-9427 and wife to continue to receive hadracha mation.

38 The Jewish Observer

Gavriella Bachrach

Adar through a Fish Tank

Through a Glass, And what a magnificent hidden Hashem, and even, as we see in Purim, With Awe world it is! The colors. The grace. The the seeds of geula. beauty. Just by looking at the shining here I was in front of a fish tank lights of the bioluminescent fish, the mag- once again. My family was tanks ical camouflaging of the flounder, and The Secretive Path T ahead of me, but I couldn’t the deep colors of the Atlantic blue tang, to the Geula move. One would think I had seen quite one gets a tiny taste of underwater enough fish already since I grew up across grandeur. The Purim geula came through the street from the New York Aquarium. Not only can we not see fish in their Esther, whose very name has the word Whenever we go traveling, however, my grand natural habitat, we cannot hear seiser, secret, as its root. Esther, Hashem’s eyes are drawn to the signs and them, either. Fish are silent. Most crea- instrument to bring the geula, had the brochures advertising aquariums. This tures make some sort of sound. Lions qualities of silence and hiddeness, or time we were visiting the one in roar, mosquitoes buzz, kookaburras modesty. As Mordechai instructed her, Chattanooga, Tennessee, and I was mes- cackle. Fish cannot speak, and yet they she revealed to no one the name of her merized as I watched the fish dance and shout. They shout Hashem’s majesty. nation. The Midrash Rabba relates that fly. It might be because it brings back They capture our attention, not by their she did so in reverence to Mordechai, as childhood memories. That’s true. It’s din, but by their detail. The quiet way a well as because of her innate modesty. mostly, though, because I’ve discovered triggerfish uses its second spine to lock The Yalkut Me’am Loez says that an aspect about fish that I never realized its first spine into its upright position and Esther was always modest; she hardly before. secure itself in a cave’s crevice screams appeared in public where men were pres- When I peer into a fish tank, I peer Hashem’s endless and intricate wisdom. ent. Mordechai hid Esther when into a hidden world. In their natural habi- When the forceps fish’s false eyespot tricks Achashveirosh decreed that all girls tat, fish are usually out of sight; they’re its predator, and the anglerfish’s false bait must go to Heigei, the king’s chamber- underwater, hidden below eye level. helps it attract and capture its meals, one lain, so that the king could eventually Hashem created an entire breathtaking cannot help but be in awe of Hashem’s choose a new queen. Mordechai only underwater world. Much of what we greatness. took Esther out of hiding when know about it today remained unknown What does all this greatness that’s hid- Achashveirosh said anyone hiding from until the late 1800s. Until man decided den and silent mean to us noisy humans him would be killed. Mordechai advised to dive and delve, this hidden world was on dry ground? What difference does it Esther to mingle with the other women left unseen. make if fish are easy to view or impos- so she would not stand out. Mrs. Bachrach is a freelance writer sible to hear? To me it means that what Even once Esther was queen, she kept whose poetry has previously appeared in is hidden has the potential to be exquis- her modest ways. Rav Galico tells us that The Jewish Observer. She and her family itely beautiful. From hidden and silent the reason she did not know about the live in , GA. beauty can exude deep praises to decree to destroy the Jews until

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Mordechai appeared in sackcloth and told her was because she was modest and FRUM PSYCHOTHERAPIST private. It was because of her modesty and quiet ways that she was able to pri- ELI SCHOSTAK, C.S.W. vately keep mitzvos in Achashveirosh’s palace without arousing suspicion. She Specializing in Children and Adolescents requested a vegetarian diet so that she would be able to keep kosher. She also 917-930-5793 had a different maid for each day of the week, so that she would know which day BROOKLYN, NEW YORK LIMITED EVENING HOURS was Shabbos. Esther’s quiet and hidden ways praised Hashem, and it was through silent and modest Esther that the salvation came. CHEVRA OSEH CHESED Rabbi Aryeh Schechter OF AGUDATH ISRAEL SOFERRabbi S’’TAM The Silent Shout BURIAL PLOTS Schechter1558 41st 2" Street Brooklyn NY 11218 Perhaps we can now use this insight IN ERETZ YISROEL about fish being silent and hidden and We make “housecalls” Interment in a Shomer Shabbos Esther being silent and hidden to under- Beis Olam near Beis Shemesh (718) 972-4003 stand one reason why Adar’s mazal is fish. Please phone or write to: kdvb • btvc All of us have times when we are out hrvt yrpo Chevra Oseh Chesed of Agudath Israel tvzvzmv Nylypt of the public’s eye or out of its range of 42 Broadway, New York, NY 10004 hearing, times when we are hidden from sight and sound and are “below water.” Specializing in small batim for a perfect fit. (212) 797-9000 Our actions and interactions at those times have the potential of being not just good, but magnificent. Esther’s “below RE OU OVING water” actions were grand. Can ours be, A Y M ? too? IS YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS PRINTED No one sees how we act at home when INCORRECTLY ON THE JO MAILING LABEL? we’re tired or under pressure and stress. No one hears how we greet or speak to We need your help to ensure proper delivery of the Jewish Observer to your home. Please attach current mailing label in the space below, or print clearly your address and our family members. It is when we are computer processing numbers that are printed above your name on the address label. underground and out of the public’s attention that we need to remember that we have the opportunity to create a beau- tiful world. Affix old label here Without sound and in a private place, fish are able to proclaim Hashem’s existence in their splendid display of color, camouflages and intricacies. Name ______Through her silent and hidden ways, New Address ______Esther praised Hashem. From our pri- vate homes and quiet interpersonal rela- City, ______tionships, our shouting of Hashem’s glory State, ______Zip ______can resound and resonate. It may even help bring our geula. Date Effective ______Looking through those tanks at the Send address The Jewish Observer mesmerizing, hidden and silent fish, changes to: Change of Address whether in Chattanooga or New York, 42 Broadway, 14th Floor, New York, NY 10004 I get a reminder of the power we all have Please allow 4-6 weeks for all changes to be reflected on your mailing label. We will not be responsible for back issues missed unless you notify us 6 weeks prior to your move. to make a difference when no one is watching or listening. d

44 The Jewish Observer

NOTABLE OMISSION IN some day in the future, when that MARKING THE SIYUM mother is in need of her children’s attention, she will be in great danger To the Editor: of receiving a busy signal. In your edition of October ’97 you fea- YISROEL NEUBERGER tured an article on “An Unsung Hero, Lawrence, NY Rabbi Moshe Menachem Mendel Spivak ON WITH THE DAF, l”xz d”yh,”originator of the Daf Yomi con- EVEN WORSE THAN THE CELL PHONE THANKS TO TECHNOLOGY cept. Does he not deserve to be men- tioned in connection with the To the Editor: To the Editor: forthcoming Siyum HaShas? “Ha’omer Once again, Rabbi Pinchos Jung has I enjoyed your recent issue about Daf davar beshem omro meivi ge’ula la’olam picked on the cell phone (Nov. ’04), and Yomi and the Siyum HaShas (Feb ’05). – attributing a thought to its originator even asked the JO readership to join in But you didn’t deal with how modern brings redemption to the world.” a campaign to free our shuls from this technology has made Daf Yomi available SHLOMO HAKOHEN KATZENSTEIN “scandalous desecration.”A very worthy to so many people. People like me. In the Antwerp, Belgium issue – but why not a campaign to rid early 1990s, I gave Dial-a-Daf a try. And our shuls of the yesod of scandalous des- it was perfect for me. The Maggidei shiur ecration – i.e, just plain talking during were thorough. And there was no excuse CARRYING THE SHAS Chazaras Hashatz, one that the Shulchan not to do it, because all I needed was a IN HIS LEFT POCKET Aruch states “gadol avono mi’ne’so (too telephone. weighty a transgression to bear)”? – or At first, only that day’s shuir was avail- To the Editor: talking during laining, which according able, and it started exactly on the hour. I finally joined the legion of daf yomi to many is an issur d’Orisa (violation of It was difficult to keep up if I needed to learners when my wife recently bought Torah law)? – or just plain talking in shul, travel or when there was a three day Yom me an iPod. The deal was – learn the daf which the Mishna Berura tells us is the Tov. But eventually the system was every day for at least a year, and the iPod reason why so many shuls have been automated, so I could access any daf in is mine to keep! It’s loaded with the entire destroyed? Have we forgotten the ikar Shas, and start at any time. The only Shas as heard on the Dial-a-Daf tele- (primary concern) just to stress what is drawback was that it tied up the phone phone. It goes with me almost every- possibly just a tafel (secondary one)? If for an hour. where. I call it my Daf Yom-iPod. we conquer first things first, this second When the eleventh cycle of Daf Yomi YAAKOV KOHN issue, I believe, will just fall by the way- began, CD-Daf was introduced. One Brooklyn, NY side. mesechta, or more for the smaller mesech- RABBI YAKOV PRESSMAN tos, on a CD-Rom. The same shiurim as Brooklyn, NY on Dial-a-Daf, with tzuras hadaf on the CELL PHONES: INVASIVE OF screen. I could start anywhere, at any time. PRIVATE TIME ON THE STREET A TELLING POINT IN AN And any place where a passuk is quoted, HISTORIC ANECDOTE I only have to click, and the entire pas- To the Editor: suk is displayed. And the Rashi on the pas- I believe that Rabbi Pinchos Jung’s To the Editor: suk is available on the screen. In fact the article, “Cell Phone: Friend or Foe,” in Dr. Bernard Fryshman’s article, Tur, Shulchan Aruch, and Mishna Torah the Cheshvan issue, was very much to “Building Torah Together...From Afar” are also available, with just a click. Some the point. (JO, Nov.‘04), began with the well-known mesechtos, such as Sukka, also have illus- I would add to Rabbi Jung’s exam- story of how the Chofetz Chaim advised trations available. It’s portable, especial- ples one scenario that I have seen often: Rabbi to remain ly for someone with a laptop computer. a mother is walking down the street in Radin rather than disrupt his learn- No, it does not require using the Internet. with her children, and she is speaking ing to attend his son’s bris milla. As in And it comes with a calendar, so I always on the cell phone. At that moment, her most retellings of stories, an important know what today’s daf is. children are orphans. They are being point was omitted. Rabbi Moshe Shapiro Thanks to technology, many people deprived of one of the precious a”jyls mentioned in a recent talk that the like me are doing Daf Yomi.I once moments of childhood, the opportu- Chofetz Chaim’s eitza (counsel) was con- thought that Daf Yomi was beyond me, nity to be completely enveloped in their ditional: Reb Elchonon was to first con- but now I’m looking forward to start- mother’s love and attention. Outside of tact his wife and obtain her consent. If ing the next cycle. emergencies, there is no excuse for a not, his place would be by her side. SHMUEL LEBOVITZ mother to waste this precious time with YISRAEL RUTMAN Brooklyn, NY her children. I can’t help but think that Zichron Yaakov

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