4r:aei.e o i. o x .ia RTH01 0313433 PROORAM #30 REVISED SCRIPT

A MERICAN TORACCO COMPANY

LUCKY STRIKE TRE JACK HENNY PROGRAM

SUNDAY APRIL 2 1950 0§S 4•00 - 4=10 Pb1 PST

PALM SPRINGS . CALIFOANIA

R1iX 0 1 03 13 4 3 4 TI N JACK BFNNY PROGRAM SUNDAY, APRIL 2, 1950 OPENING COf+W E RCIAL

SHARHUi'T: THR JACK BENNY PROGRAM -- presented by LUCKY SI'RIKB :

RIGGS : (CHANT -- 6o to 62 -- SOLD Ah1ERICAN)

HI@,SAND: Scientific tests nrov° Lucky Strike is milder than any

other principal brand of cigamttes!

SHARBU7Tt Scientific tests Qr_ove, Iucky Strike is milder than any

other principal brand of cigarettes!

HIESTANDt That fact is verified by an independent consulting

laboratory with more than fifteen years' experience in cigarette research . The report from the consulting laboratory stated --

VOICE: Based on our analytical findings, it i.s our opinion that Lucky Strike cigarettes are the mildest of the six major brands tested!

SHARBUPT : And no wonder Lucky Strike cigarettes have been ,~roved

milder! For years Lucky Strike has conducted a unique

and vast program in research . . .in quality controls . . .and

manufacturing methods . . . And, today, tcenorrow, always --

NIF,STAND : LS - MFT LS - MFP

SHARBUPT : Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . ., fine, light, naturally mild tobacco with smoothness and mildness and never a rough puff!

( CONPINULID)

JG .

0 1S;01 0313 4 3 5 Tf(F JACK Rffiv2JY PROGRMI SUNIYfY, APRIL 2, 1950 OPENING COthME~,RCIA:CONT'D

HTPSPAND: So light up a Lucky . Prove to yourself what scientific tests prove - Lucky Strike is milder tihan any..other princi,pnl brand pf . c~arette_s .

SgqRpiPPT : I .et your axn taste and throat by the judge . For snoothness_ and mildness -- thorots never a ron_~h ~raff in a Lucky Strike :

JG

FlTH01 0313436 -I-

(FIRST ROUTINE) (AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) . DON: FROM PALM SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA, THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY, .WITH B?ARY LIVINGSTONE, PHIL HARRIS, ROCHESTER : DENNIS DAY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPLAUSE . .HUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : YES, HERE WE ARE SPENDING OUR SECOND WEEK IN PALM SPRINGS„ 60 LET'S GO OUT AND VISIT THE PLACE WHERE JACK DENNY IS

STAYING„ THE CANTANTA DECASA LA QUINTA DE CASTILLE

CANYADA . AT THE MOMENT, OUR LITTLE STAR IS DRINKING IN ' THE RAYS OF THE MORNING SUN „WHILE ROCHESTER IS RUBBING

HIM WITH OIL . (SOUND : PAT PAT PAT AND CONTINUE) JACK: Whet a wonderful day for a sun bath, eh, Rochester?

ROCH: IT SURE IS . (SOUND: PATTING STOPS)

ROCH : TURN OVER , BOSS , I WANNA GET SOPR7 OIL ON YOUR BACK, B/

Ahh, this is the life .

(SOUND: PATTING STARTS) . JACK: (COY) Oh, Rochester-- ROCH : WAAT IS IT, BOSS?

JACK: Er . .oh, nothing . (SOUND : PAT PAT PAT . . .PAT PAT PAT . . .PAT PAT PAT) JACK : Rochester-- RCC3 : YFS?

HT}{01 0 ,3 1 3 4.3 ;' . JACK: Oh, never mind . (SOUNDt PATTING STOPS)

ROCHe COME ON , BOSS , WHAT IS IT4

JACK : I ' m reailv p,ytu, ain ' t I? ROCH : IF YOU SAY S0, SIR .

{•80liNBt-KT"N&-MM)- ' .

dAG.ICar.meuvsel+!~'+$1fld.:Irxl~d*nnnfl 4n A .Adl:d..§~SCc~.~,Q.4P.1

:(SOIR3Do .-P.AS.TSAIG-STOPS )

.3A614evw+-•r.+=•Roehes4erK whaL+did ..you•stop .rubbing me for? ROBRY`v-""TMZ"'NO'"FiORE`OIL , ' BOSS .' JA®iGw+»+.~.A.Ss.~eC.aiB~rre-•had? . i+~RBGHw~--~-v~.'W7G.Y70UYDN E/f<6iAY&+'NAB+.+:fP}f,A_4M,lv'iHNi .rZF::WE:..DIPNST.,FRY : BACAN "'FOR'^SALpdP.11`AST:"'

JACKt Well , I guess I'm greased up enough, .•I think I'll j ust

lie out here on the sun deck . ROCHt BOSS-- JACKe You know, it isntt every place where you can step out of your room and get right up on the sun deck• ROCH : BOSS-- JACK : Yes?

ROCHf THIS THING YOU'RE LYING ON IS A PING PONG TABLE .

JACK : It isn't a sun deck?

ROCH : NO . WHY DO YOU THINK THEY HAVE THAT NET ACROSS THE MIDDLE?

JACK : I thouglit the other side was for women . 4*vrca#*-I1ve

been peeking through the holes for nothing .) Oh look,

Rochester, here comes Miss Livingstone .

M h01 0313438 -3-

ROCH : OH YES . .HELLO, MISS LIVINGSTONE, MARY : Hello, Rochester . H'ya, Jack, JACK : Hello, Mary, I'm glad you dropped over . MARY : (SARCASTIC) So this is the Cantanta de Casa la Qninta de Castille Canyada . JACK : Mary, you don't have to sey it like that . This is a very nice place . .,You know, I'm paying three dollars a day for my room?

MARY : (AMA2ED) THREE LiOLhARS ; ' JACK: Well, Mary, I felt the same way, but then this is the height of the season . . .Anyway it's worth it . You know this place overlooks the beautiful Palm Springs Biltmore .

MARY : Well Jack, you're very smart .

JACK : Thank you. . MARYr That's better than paying Biltmore prices and overlooki9k- the dump you're living in : What do you mean dump? Come . JACKon in-awd I'lll show you my

room . (SODND : SCUFFLE OF JACK GETTINO OFF TABLE) !'- . e,.. . - - R .,..< .,. . , 1~..-~''. . JACKe senw-m-#n : (SOUND: DOOR OPENS & CLOSES)

MARY : Jack, I can't see a thing, it's so dark in here . JACK : Well . .they finally fixed that hole in the roof . Rochester, get a match and light the lamp . ROCH : YES SIR . (SOUND : MATCH SCRATCH)

RT'n'C11 03 13,13 9 -4- .

JACKe That's better . You sees Mary~ this room is nice and large and-- .. -f~. .,.,...... X - MARYe Wait a minuteicwhat's. this lawn mower, wheel barrow, rake and garden hose doing in the corner?

JACK : Well . . .you see , Mary , the rate on this room is really Sour dollars . .but they don't have a tool shed . .and they said

they would make an adjustment if I let them keep their

garden tools In here .

MARY : Well, at least they keep you well supplied with towels . ROCH : THIS IS THE LAUNDRY ROOM T00! MAd!$t~"°'~"'*w^Wh'db~Jtli'db(+^''~'fmfgi'tte'>heRMTlg'8'+40Om^'sO^CYOSe^1ri°'the•m

.tlXohen :,.

JAOIET

MAR~[r-~-~•3Gc;er.~•*73ven~~stinee~3~got-fiere}Iave-beenrome2iing~bacon : +--~

JRC#F:`~mws+ve'S}T'{"tti8t:'!"N95T2 y 'M4'f9 i`C'F'i~C'~dBD'4'PC"t"Z§SM~'°i'1 dG""""the :•kibet :eit.v-,

_.(LAUGHI6GLYJ ~.:YO u,~se e .!~:5:>.r an>.asL-wf•wun~kan~e i4~{-som&*had .

_.>Roohes ter.,r.ub ,baaon-graaaw~an-7me i- •

MARYr•--.~:"•° .•!9d13`j""yelT=tiff1+'Y@'11}Ty'sf1YeT1'"'gtY'6i2iJ"'Y'm`*ge'ttiil6"11WngrY .

J...BDLfi :~,:-.:::::,:.,YFiSTk+RDA.X..}tFe..~1dQLF4Rh..HATI..XR~!:

"JAOK : +^~ •~"~1-RochestbP==' °ROCF!9"•"^,>"^•"fRYDdY~'FYE'Wdffi'h`S'SLR . - - .

JACK : Rochester . .nobody asked you to-- (SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK: COME IN . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS)

filh07 0313440 -5- . I just MISL: Oh, . pardon me, I flidn't know you had company Awanna get the lawn mower .

JACK : ~d.It's right there '_n the corner, Ed. MEL : Thank you . (SOUND: MOVEtS;NT OF 6!ETAL TOOLS . .LAWN MOWER ROTATING, .DOOR SLAM)

ROCHt ONE, TWO , THREE, FOUR, FIVE . . . . ONEt TWO, THREE-- .

NARY+ Rochester , what're you doing?

ROOH : I COUNT MY TOES EVERY TIME HE LSAVES,

MARY : Well, I don't blame you,,,Jackt of all the places in Palm Springs, you had to get stuck with--

JACK : Mary, forget it, I didn't get stuck with anything . This is a very nice-- . (SOUNDf KNOCK ON DOOR)

MSL : (OFF) HEY, MR . BENNY, THERE'S A TELEPHONE CALL FOR YOU . JACK : (UP) OKAY . . .Excuse me : Maryt I'1] be back in a minute . . . The phone is just down the hall .

(SOUND : DOOR OYENS . .FOOTSTEYS DOWN

SINGS) HALL AS JACK

JACK : (HUMS TO "MUSIC, 6".USIC : MUSIC") DA DA DA DA DA DE DA . .In the nickleodeon . .Al1 I want is SovingJvou and

money . . .Da da da da da de dah--Oh , here'smoney, money, the

phone . (SDUNDt RECEIVF.A UP)

JACKt Hello? JENNY : Is this Jack Benny? JACK: Yes .

ll 1 h 01 0313441 -6-

JENNY : One moment please, we have a person to person oall from Los Angoles, . .GO ahead T- ""s°'^° . PHIL : Hiya, Jackson .

JACK : Phi1 . .Ph17. . .I thought you were In Palm Springs „What are you doing in Los Angeles?

PHIL : uu d,I e+ In Palm Springs , but I had to hurry back home when I found out I forgot something .

JACK: Oh . .what did you forgot?

PHIL: Alice . ' JACK: Alice! Phil, how in the world could you forget her? s,...H- PHIL : Well , the day we were s upposed to drive^to the Springs , I was a little careless . .I wasn't watching . JACK: What do you mean? .

PHIL : Well , I was sitting In the car ae& after she put the p .a0 luggage inf I thought she got In too,

JACKO -Hm. .Tell me , Phil, when did you first realize you had forgotten Alice?

PHIL: Well, as soon as I got to Palm Springs, I went in to the Hacquet Club, had dinner, and when the waiter handed ~ieg

the check, I m w she was missing .

Oh . JACKt . - PHIL : And Jackson,^when I got'home : she was~furious . JACK : What did she do? PHIL : She was so made at me, she put Rudy Val.loe's picture back on the piano . JACK : I don't blame her .

PHIL : The one with the megaphone, yetl

RTtSr)9 0 g93 4 42 -~- JACK: Wel7l lookt Phi1 . .I hope you'll be back in time for l~,. .~ ....z_ _ . rehearsal . :Ple're having Al Jolson on the program this

week and your orchestra will have to accompany him . ,t $.xNr PHILf Oh, sure , sure . q .What do you think Jolie will sing?

JACKS Pfnatever he sings, Phil $ I don't want the aecompaniment

to sound like "That's What I Like About The South ." ~~f. , gua' PHIL~ n NoW wait a minute, Jackson, why don't you stop picking on

my song?

JACK: Recause I'm sick of it„ and I'm not the only one . . .Every time you and your boys sing it, Frankie Remlay just sits there with his mouth shut . PHILf Look Dad, if you left the South under the same conditions Remley did, you wouldn't sing about it either .

JACKS You mean-- PHILf Yep, . .Frankie had more feathers on h1 .m than the Wild Ooose .

JACKS No kidding . ' J (,u1 ~ 4K o< . T h PHIL: W 11, Jackson, I ean't le~k•enY+les~na,r~3eesgot...3Jw~ar - ~sack a+ago4n so-unei~sleaving Qondbye .~~~~ j~a,.~~, .

JACKS Goodbye . ;,,/& o, /*2o (SDUNDx RECEIVER DCWN .,,FOOTSTEPS) . JACK : That Phil is an amazing guy „Fourteen years ago no one ever heard of him . .,Then he wrote one song, "That's What I Like About The South", and overnight he made millions of enemies . .

(SOUND : DOOR OPENS)

JACKS . Mary, that was----Mary . .Where are you? .

67ARY : Right here in front of you .

01 HC)7 0313443 . . . `R" ~,,...... _ .. /..... ,/, ..n.. ~.,,~_ JACK: oh yes,,whenOyou come in out of the li .ghtgnit's hard to

see . .That was Phil on the phone .

Y.ARYf Ph11? What did he want?

JACK: I don't know , I forgot to ask him . .

MARY : Say , Jack , it's so nice out , why don't we go for a swim 1n the pool?

JACK : 4aasd? 4 .. MARY : Yes. ~

JACK : I'm sorry, Mary, but The Cantanta de Casa ls Quinta do

Castille Canyada doesn't have a swimml .ng pool

: No swimming pool? . MARY . ~ ._ JACKt No . .but they have something just as gocd :,When the

temperature reaches a hundred and two, a bell boy comes

around with a water pistol and lets you have it . .It's

very refreshing . Especially when they use 1 .ce cold--

(SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK: COME IN . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS)

JACK: Oh, it's you , Ed .

1-Q;LS Yeah . I hate to keep disturbin' ya while you got company . .

but I finished mowin' the lawn, Now I came in to get a

sack of fertillzer

: A sack of fertillzer?,,. MARY .Where? - tA3L : You're sSttin' on it,

MARY : What?

M x 01 0313444 -9- .I'll bring it Pk:L : Thanks, lady . You eron't have to stand long . back soon . (SOUND : DOOR SLAMS)

MARY : Jaok, I'm not gonna ask you how you can live in this room, but let's go outside .

JACK: Okay, okay, (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) .

JACK : You know, Mary, I wish wa did have a--

MARY : Oh Jack , here comes the be11 boy .

JACKt Where? NELSON : Mr . Benny?

JACK: Yes . NELSON : It's a hundred and two .

(SOUND : LONG SQUIRT VRTH SELTZER BOTTLE AGAINST SLAB -- NOT INTO PAIL)JACK

: (COUGHS) You see, Mary, it's very refreshing .

MARY : I wouldn't know, I ducked .

NELSON : Would you like a towel, Mr . Benny4

JACKi Yes, thank you .

MARY : Hey Jack, isn't that Don haoking his way through the sagebrush?

JACK : aaaggA?

MARY : In the lobby . JACK: Oh yes . .DON . .DON, .t4E'RE OUT HERE : DON : (COMING IN) HELLO, JACK .,HELLO, MARY : H'ya, Don . , . tARY

n 19 07 0 3734 45 -10-

DON= Jack, this is the craziest place I've ever seen . As I came in the lobby, some screwball was trying to shoot

the goldfish . JACKs Goldfish? No no, Don, he was just filling his gun . I'll

explain St to you later . We11 . . .I see you've got the Sportsmen Quartet with you . Hello, fellows . QUART : Hp9mdM. DON : And Jack, I want you to meet a young lady who's appearing here in Palm Springs at the Dunes . . .Miss Connie Barlow . JACKs Yes, I know her . .Hello, Connie . CONNIE : Hello, Jack . (APPLAUSE) / JACKt Connie, Mary and I heard you singing at the Dunes'the other night and we thought you were wonderful . ?v MARY : Yes, Connie,-abE641ueki during your number we had a difficult time hearing with all the dishes rattl .ing .

CONNIE : Oh, were you near the kitchen? . . 1NsRYe ~-Mtr•wae in the kitcheny e-forgot his wallet . DONNIF. : Well, that could happen . A lot of people leave their wallets in their rooms .-- . 3AEKr-•---••--Yos-yss MARY: Jack left his in Waukegan . JACK: (MOCKING) Waukegan, Waukegan . .You're just mad because you washed more dishes than I did . DON :dC,.,71 Jack, the reason I asked Miss Barlow to come over was because I thought it would be nice if she did a number with the quartet .

ATH01 0373 44 . 1, -11-

JACK : Well, good goodr .What number have they got prepared? DON : Well, last week Frank Lesser's song, "Haby~ It's Cold Outside", won the Academyo+Awr/ard . .and we thought St woul'd be a nice touch if they aaqg it while we'rel/in Palm Springs .

JACK: "Baby, It's Co1d Outside"?„Rut Don, how can you sing

"It's cold outsidelt when we're Sn Palm Springs .,2he

weather is so beautiful . .the sun shines all dey„ it

doesn't make sense . .

CONNIE : Well Jack, we thought of that, so we changed the lyrics

to fit the location .

JACK: 'rj, Wo11 good good , Connie, .I'd love to hear it .

R7}<01 031344 7 .I2_

(INTRO) CONNIEt I REALLY CAN'T STAY QUART : BUT BABY, IT'S HOT OUTSIDE . CONNIE : I'VE GOT TO GO 'WAY . QUART : BUT BABY, IT'S HOT OUTSIDE CONNIE: THIS EVENING HAS BEEN QUART: BEEN HOPING THAT YOU'D DROP IN CONNIE : SO VERY NICE .

QUART : WE'LL HAVE SOME LEMONADE WITH ICE .

CONNIE: MY yOTHF:R WILL START TO WORRY

QUARTs BEAUTIFUL, WHAT'S YOUR HURRY

CONNIEh AND FATHER WILL BE PACING THE FLOOR

QUARTe IT'S TOO HOT OUTSIDE OF THAT DOOR .

CONNIEs SO REALLY I'D BETTER SCURRY

QUART : BEAUTIFUL, PLFASE DON'T HURRY

CONNIB : WELL, MAYBE JUST A CIGARETTE MORE

QUART : SMOKE A LUCKY, THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE FOR

CONNIE : I'VE GOT TO GO HOME . QUART : LET'S LIGHT UP A LUCKY STRIKE

CONNIE: SAY LL'ND ME A COMB ~.~F.,~LC QUART : A CIGARETTFr7Y& = . LIKE CONNIR: THEY REALLY ARE GRAND QUART : IT'S ALWAYS OUR FAVORITE BRAND

CONNIE: BUT DON'T YOU SEE QUART : JUST ONE MOR1: L S M F T 00NNIE : BUT DARLING, I MUST BE GOING

QUART : LOOK AT THE SMOKE RINGS WE'RE BLOWING

f?ih09 0313448 -13- CONNIE : :: AT LEAST I'M GONNA SAY THAT I TRIED

QUART : YOU CAN SMOKE A LUCKY WITH PRIDE . CONNIE : I REALLY CAN'T STAY QUART : BUT BABY, YOU'LL ROAST OUT CONNIE & QUARTt IT'S WAR1d AS TOAST OUTSIDE . CONNIE ; I SIHPLY MUST GO

QUART : BUT BABY, A LUCKY STRIKE

CONNIE : I HATE -MOPD KNOW

QUART : THE KIND THAT YOU ALWAYS LIKE

CONNIE : I LEAVE WITH REGRET QUART : A WONDERFUL CIGARETTE CONNIE : AND THAT'S A FACT .

QUART : SO ROtIND, SO FIRM, SO FULLY PACKED

CONNIE: SO DARLING, IF YOU GET LONESOGE

QUART: THAT'S W'NY WE'LL ALWAYS OWN SOME

CONNIEt REd4:NBER ALL THOSE LUCKIES BY YOUR SIDE

QUART: WHAT'S THE SENSE OF HURTING OUR PRIDE

CONNIEt YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE

QUART : THERE'S NEVER A ROUGH PUFF CONNIE & QUART: LET'S SMOKE A LUCKY STRIKE . (APPLAUSE)

RTh01 0313 44 9 (SECOND ROUTINE) aa<~~r.~ Connie, did JACKi Very good, Don, that was, very,/good, .And you an

excellent Job in changing the lyrlese .Itndoes get warm out

here .

ninety-five MARY : It sure does, Right now I'll bet it's in the

shade .

JACK : Ninety-five! I'll bet It's a hundred, NELSONs You're both wrong .

JACK: What?

NELSON : It's a hundred and two . . (SDUNDs LONG SQUIRT WITH SELTZER BOTTLE)

JACK: Ahhhhh .

NELSON : Here's your towel, Mr . Benny . JACK: Thank you . NELSON : Would you like another shot? >.r IV - JACK : No no ~ not~right now . . maybe later-- NELSONs Ooooooh, here comes another guest . .(LITTLE OFF) Y00 HOO . . IT'S A HUNDRED AND TWO! ' (SOUNDs SQUIRT OF SELTZER BOTTLE)

JACK: Oh, for heaven sake . .BeLl Boy, that Ssn't a guest . .That was Dennis Day . . .Dennis . .Dennis .,speak to me : Walt till I get this goldfish out of my mouth. DENNIS . JACK: Here, Dennis, here's my towel . DENNIS : Thanks .

SACK : v , w ,I haven't seen you all week, kid . .Wnat've you been doing?

HTh01 0313 4 5 0 -1i-

DENNIS : Oh ; a lot of things . .at five o'clock this mornin"~me-and• a,,G ~l<. _*"~~n-nL,nSherrpeople at my hotel got on horses and we

rode way out in the desert for a breakfast ride . a~ - NARY : A breakfast ride? ~That must be a lot of fun . DENNIS : Some fun . All I had to eat was cactus . JACKt Cactus? . DENNIS : I got lost

: Hmm . .imagine. JACK eating cactus . DENNIS : It tastes awful, but you don't need any toothpicks, JACKS I never thought of that .

DON : Oh Jack , here come the fellows who were on your program

last week, .The Guadalajara Trio . JACKt Hmm„ I wonder what they wany?

LAMDERTO : Que mw"pague para irnos . -Te .di:ye.-gua.AO.-nact..hiha.a ..yager

nwa~

E'ARIO : No nos vamos a casa hasta que nos pague . - JACKe Dennis p you understand themr,:what--did .-he-say,R p . DENNIS : ~'.He seyethey want to be paid for last week .

MARY : I don't know a word of Spanish and I could have told you

that . JACK: 6^ary, please .

CHUE:Y: (We've been waiting all week and we have to have money to

- feed our wife and ch7ldren .)

JACKC Look fellows . .Manana . . .I told you I'd pay you manana . .Now why don't you go home? LAMDERTO : (That's all we've heard all week, We want our money an .'O we won't go till we get it .)

r-Tit; 0 1 0313451 -16-

JACKf )n,,,Now stop raising all this fuss . .I told you I'd pay you pronto . . .PRONTO . MARY : Jack, Pronto means now . JACK : Oh . .Fellows, Manana, manana . . . . . Now qo home and adius . LAMRERTO : Ese Senor Aenny, a pesta . };lARIO : Si. y Como un zorrlo . CHUEYe Eso no es nada, como zorrillo y morrano . JACK: 4`/axWhat did they say, Dennis? ~%; d ~iu.r rv~' .c,l«~ DENNIS : They said wher:~2heyrydYrst~tame.+te :wthi,sFaountry-they+were- tald this wes the land of opportwiity,

JACK: Qj.ta„Ap,W,.1RC}ky, °. 2~uy. go away and leave me alone . . ..I'1]I take care of you manana „I've heard enough JOLSON : JACKSON, YOU AIN'T HEARD NOTHIN' YET . JACK : WELL, Ai, JOLSON . (APPLAUSE) JOLSON

: Hello, Mary .

MARY : Rello, Al .

JOLSON : Hello, Dennis . DENNIS : Hello, Asa . JACK: Say A1('I know you're gonna be on my program, but what brings you over here today? JOLSON : Well, Jack, I thought we ought to get some things / settled first . . JACK : ll .You mean about .the songs you're going to sing? JOLSON : No, about the money you're going to pay,

JACK : Huh?

JOLSON : You heard me, Jack . . .Money .

FliSi01 03134.52 -17-

TRIO : Manana, Pfanana . ~C-/- JACK : Fellows, be qulet '~Ad7os9 .Nwlook, Al, don't you think

it's a little undignifiedrYou haven't even been on my

program yet, and here you are asking me for money .

MARY: two years ago ? JOLSON : That's the longest manana I've ever seen . JACK : All right, all right .,Now Al, as long as you're gonna be on my program Sunday, tell me what numbers you're gonna Z4u y sing so'I'll be able to-- Ia .f. , - - JOLSON : Wait a minute, wait a minute,^thaOs the reason I came over here . I'm willing to be on your show, but I'm not gonna sing ? . JACKt Wny not JOLSON :~c~I've taken enough ridicule „ espeeially from that guy on x-/.e,/ /"ZG - . your show,^ Mel Blanc .

JACK : That do you mean, Al ? JOLSON : Look Jack, I don't mindPa,people doing jokes about ny age . . . i . l or my p7ctures .,awd•I don't mind people imitating me „ but

this fellow Mel Blanc keeps inferring that when I'm

singing a song, I keep going "waahhhh,

: But Al, ]et's face it, you do . .don't you^ JACK ?

JOLSON : Waeahhhh? From me? :olson? That's singing ? JACK, But Al, I saw your picture "Jolson Sings Again" and when you sang, you went "Waahhhh" at least twenty times . JOLSON: Did you see the picture after dinner?

Ilii;Q1 0 g13453 -18-

JACK : Yes . JOLSON : I had indigestion .

JACK: Oh . .well that could happen to anybody . . . . Anyway+ A1f+I'm sure you know what you're talking about, so I apologize

for anything Mel Blanc did . .It won't happen again•

JOLSON : Good .

JACK: Now if you'll j ust step into my room , we'71l discuss the songs you're gonna do on the program .

JOLSON : Okay, Jack . (SOUND : COUPLE FOOTSTEPS•,DOOR OPENS)

JOLSON : Holy smoke+ what a room! J~Y~"~ JACK : Well Al+ yon•-eee ;-4•+te'90v :n"tttlre"aIb71E~:fytlon't'mted'°"- snythiug"fanC}': aL ,I' JOLSON : .,1 can understand a man wanting to rough it, but what do you do when the bear comes home?

JACK: What? MARY : It has twin beds .e al JACK: Oh stop•,Now Al+~what do you think you'll do for your first song? JOLSON : Vfell Jack, I've got a brand new number that I think ,/ : eo%d` eYerybody-yr1-13X314ce :•It's called "Remember 1!other's Day ."

JACK : "Remember Mother's Day"? . .But Al, Mother's Day isn't till next month „ This Ss Apr11 . .Vfiy don't you sing "April

Showers?"

JOLSON : April Showers? How does it go?

R 1 k{07 03 1 3 4 . 54 . ,C! .. r < a gr '. ,~H,... I 9 -19-

JACKt (SINGS) WHEN APRIL SHOWE--Oh, don't be funny . .(How does it go? ) re 1"' JOLSONt Jackt°even though Mother's Day isn't till next month ,

I j vst made a recording of it and 3'd like to sing it . .

After all, I am a Mammy Singer .

JACK : Okay , Al, if you're that sentimental, go ahead, (APPLAUSE)

R 1 X01 0 :313 4. 55 -20-

JOLSONt THERE ARE MANY SUNDAYS IN THE YEAR

BUT THE BEST ONECOMES IN MAY AND THO IT'S TRUE THERE ARE FIFTY TWO

THERE'S NON$ LIKE MOTHER'S DAY . . . .

SEND HER A BUNCH OF ROSES .

MOM LOVES ROSES MAKE IT AN EXTRA LARGE BOUQUET

SEND HER A BUNCH OF ROSES RED

, RED ROSES

REk*SMBER MOTHER'S DAY . WHY DON'T YOU WRITB A LETTER OR STILL BETTER

HOP ON A TRAIN WITHOUT DELAY MAYBE A FEW CARESSES RF.ST EXI'RESSES LOVE ON ."?OTHER'S DAY . IF YOU'RE TOO FAR AWAY TO BE THERE'ON THE DAY CALL HER UP, SHE'LL BE HOME . WHF.N SHE ANSWERS THE RING, YOU'LL BE PROUD AS A KING WITH A QUEEN ON THE PHONE . FOLLOW IT UP WITH ROSES

MOM LOVES ROSES THEN TO MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY . . SEND HER A MILLION KISSES SWEET, SWEET KSSSES REMEh4iF.R MOTHER'S DAY,, . . ---TF'yY0lF+AA-"POO~YAR A1fAY'i'0"BP :'17D~RE'DIP"TAE"'U1fP

R1iS01 0313,15c, -21- ~561rB0Na,-••F,OR'ErE-~R 6R=i~P~SEFHiiiU •RH•NOd9t .,. .. NhiE:N.,,SHR,AN$WER6~174B:.&I-EIF+p* YOUALit~INP-AfJFi[3+k8°A-^}E~HS W4a1L,A.RU&HN,ON-:THIs-PHONP:; .. . .

F,0 t3u44.7.._Tsw:R,'a:26ILTiisA95FsStl :_ ..,. . M0lE°bOVS&'R08NS Tffl~N^SO"MARE~EPERYIRISNG"OL~Y"" .' SRRD^ftIOt"A`77XbLYiYN"KT8,~8`•..: SWERT ;'"SC4FIHM"`SC°YS9'@b"• `•,,, . RBAf[4SBRRl110REflNRIBID'AY ; " - .

(APPLAUSE)

AiHc J 1 031 3 45 ? -zz-

(THIRD ROUTINE) JACKt (Ll Al, that was ~ E S . .Really^great . NARY : It was dci4yhbl3+3'~ A1 . .Thrilling . .Wasn't it, Dennis? . DENNISt ddk} .., .=9,,.:.o

JACKi Dennis! Don't listen to him , Al, it was swell, .~ JOLSON : bk,Thanke Jack j ~and I hope you notioed that not onee , in the

whole song did I go "Waaahhh" . JACKt I know, Al, and again I apologisa .,Now Al, did you bring

the Cahe mu~eieal .•arrangements for the songs you're gonna do% .ne ."/ . . JOLSON= Yes Jack . .but I only brought enough for sixteen encores . JACKt Sixteen encores? JOLSON :Y" ~,We may have a cold audience . JACK : ~ Well, I wouldn't worry abcut it . I'm sure that-- (SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK : I'll get it . (SOUND: COUPLE FOOTSTEPS .,DOOR OPENS) NF.LSON : Mr . Benny? JACK : Yes . NELSONe It's a hundred and two . ME[. : (M00000) (SOUNDtLONO SQUIRT OF SELTZER BOTTLE) NELSON : We're out of water . . JACK : What?

NELSON : Would you like a towel or a cookie?

JACK : Neither, and get out of here . ~:.- .a.~,... NELSONr•-°-°COme-along~~i4c''v€"gHt"thr~s"siord•1`ooma'to doi ~br•,.*,a...°wbpg9p66w

1?1~~X0'1 O3134`~~q _z;_ .-.~(soirNnt~vooa scAtn7""" 'JOI:SONt'.^'"^•'^'j(_ti~t'^:'WF[A~"W5§"LPiK't7 . MARYa,.c.:~:~,,:c.~E}e4e-~'Phe~Ai.n3-OondLtSrn+er-,- . ., . JA~'IT'^~Rp241$`YY"'td"~'dY'f`1ttC€f'~' A1 :". "Ttra"bp2] Woy"oomea . . a~aramnM+aan . .~..^ti^ ..^ ~o''....d'AV.WWid :ai'A .)1&VW3~E$OS ._@... . . e.rinxn4n5~Pee>3•w• . .JAL80N t~~~wa8ay,p-,Taobq .*S.haLwsea2TM9ar.ma~rZ+Ssad-.an•+awfuL.,thing~haPPen-'--

iwm;w,s.wlmu~S,ng.aAOaf;.Chis,

JACKs ~NOw :Idid>dt=haPpafi, -'-A14-,

•30LBOtie'~a ~B*dovw~afSw:tkeeasAdeaaf~be ~pooly:^ti,4~sa+y+hoad-p>and" ae•I --nawae~gaAnghdsmswfw .*kke~tk+ied.~64me - asbedi Sm`Tront-ef.me, . . . JACKS=^-^•----~Yovr- :wholesldfe-Slashed•~n-fronb^efyrou4- . .JOi~SOlr ~~w .~.xos,Mand«3.a+w+s-~+vua..ws.a...wanaersuY ._.:. J1fCt('i'~ .•~»"""`Y78T'Y''AS'~"f3`'`?V'bff'~o~SY$~FSEwA""b1fY's~~iVB@'9~"`2iDW"flfd"5`dV reave^~ _...ynuuaelf4 . -JOLSONr--'-•--•^Ths'yokea °awverq^~rhaO~~sChe°d4ffereneo? JACK: ~1h~yes~y~t~Y,~M`e21^now, Al, getting back to my program . . What are you gonna do for your second number,4 JOLSON : C,"&.How about one of'my old ones .lToot Toot Tootsies Ooodbye ." (APPLAUSE)

JACK ; (OVER APPLAUSE)

FiiH01 0313459g -24- (INTRO) JOLSON7 YESTERDAY I HEARD A LOVER SIGH GOODBYE OH ME OH MY

SEVEN TIdiES HE GOT ABOARD A TRAIN

AND SEVEN TIMES HE HURRIED BACK

TO KISS HIS LOVE AGAIN AND TELL HER . TOOT TOOT TOOTSIE GD0 BYE TOOT TOOT TOOTSIE DON'T CRY . THE CH00 CHOD TRAIN THAT TAKES ME AWAY FROM YOU NO WORDS CAN TELL HOW SAD IT MAKES MF• KISS ME TOOTSIE AND THEN - DO IT OVER AGAIN

WATCH FOR THE MAIL - I'LL NEVER . FAIL .

IF YOU DON'T GET A LETTER, THEN YOU'LL KNOW I'M IN JAIL

PU4+-TipP-POBW8d8•DON'T CRY / ~,Z«-,"t,.'Y

enn ew ~~ ~T` . 6A- j rf.~1.

TOOT TOOT TOOTSIE 000 BYE TOOT TOOT TOOTSIE DON'T CRY WHISTLE THE CH00 CHOO TRAIN THAT TAKES ME

AWAY FROM YOU NO WORDS CAN TELL HOW SAD IT MAKES ME . KISS ME, TOOTSIE, AND THEN, WAAHHHH . JACK: Mary Mary, he did ~t . .Did you DO IT OVER AGAIN„WAAAHHH, hear him . .he did St.,He d1d St WATCH FOR THE: MAIL .,WAAAHHH, again . I'LL NEVER FAIL . .WAAHHHH, MARY: Did What4 IF YOU DON'T GET A LETTER JACK: Waaahhh„Liaten .. he doesn ' t even THEN YOU'LL_KNOW I'M IN J~IL .,WAAAHHH Imow he's doing . ~. m~nTE p « it .,He should T31T.TU_m~,~.....__.I.~-DONT CRY .f.WAAAHHH apologize to me . . I KNEW IT . . .I -@OO~P-AKaBR-409R9FL+-400 BYE KNEW IT . . .I KNE'F I T, (APPLAUSE)

R 790 1 0313 460 -25- (FOURTH ROUTINE)

JACKt A1 . .Al . .you did it . .you did it!

JOLSON : I did what?

JACK : All through the number you kept going--- ~ (SOUND : (KNOCK ON DOOR)

MEL : (GROWLS) MARYz JACK, IT'S A BEAR . JACK: A BEAR! JOLSONt HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT . I THOUGHT I MADE UP A JOKF. . " JACKt ROCHESTER, TURN DOWN THE OTHER BED (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF ~)

RTX(11 031 34(i 1 -26-

Ladies and gentlemen . .Carelessness is the greatest single cause of forest fires . . .fires that destroy approximately 30 million acres of timberland,yearly . And most of these

fires started because someone was careless with a lighted match~ a campfire, a burning cigarette3 Be on guard constantly against fire . Be careful . . .be cautious : Prevent fires . Thank you . (APPLAUSE)

DONi Jack will be back in just a moment, but first---

R1HC~1 031 :3462 THE JACK sl.omn PRCGRaM SUNDAY APRIL 2, 1950 CLOSIN~ COMNRyiCIFS,

. RIGGS: (CfLPN'P -- 6o to 62 -- SOLD M41•1iICAN)

SHARBUTT : Scientific test prove Lucky Strike 7 .s milder than any

other principal brand of cigarettes .

HIRSTAND : Scientific tests _nrov_e Lucky Strike is milder than any

othcr principal brand of cigarettes :

SHNCY,'JTT : That fact is verified by an independent consulting

laboratory with more than fifteen years' experience in

cigarette research . The report from the consulting

laboratory stated --

VOICE : E7ased on our analytical findings - it is our opinion that Lucly Strike cigarettes are the mild_est of the six ma qr brands tested :

H7F:STAND : LS - NHT I .S - MFT

SIIARRU'fT : Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . . that's why with every

Lucky, you get the rich taste of fine, li.ght, naturally

mild tobacco . Yes, smoothness and nd .ldness with never

a rough puff :

HIRSTAND: Just listen to the words of Mr . Edward M . Rogers, for ten years an independent tobacco auctioneer from Reidsville, . North Carolina . Recently he said -

(CONTINUF.D)

JG .

M xo 1 os 1 sa6a TFO.i JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNIIqY, APk21L 2, 1950 CLOSING CONIINE ;RCIAL COI+I"U

L7CPLRT : I know fine tobacco, and year after year, at auction

after auction, I've seen Ameriean buy good, ripo,

smooth leaf - the kind of tobacco that's hard to beat

for smoking quality . I smoke Luckies myself - beon a

Lucky fan twelve years!

SHP.RPiVM' : So smoke a Lucky . Pr_ove to_,~oursalf what scientif7cc

tests prove - Iucky Strike is milder than any other

principal brand of cigarettes :

I{IftSTAt4U: Let your a,vn taste and throat be the judge -- for

smoothness and mildness_, there's never a rough puff in

a Lucky Strike - so round, so firm, so fully packed,

so free and easy on the draw .

JG

AiM01 0313464 .py_

(TAG) JACKt Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank Al Joleon for

dropping by today . .and next Sunday we'll be broadcasting from Hollywood . DENNISf Say Mr . Benny .

M What is it, Dennis?. JAC ~ DENNISs 9ha6 cactus I had for breakfastiwasn'tJvery nouriehing . .

I'm hungry . . have ou got ~nything to eat? > ..E If"..` JACK : Something to eat . Sure , here kid t have a banana .

TRIO t NO NO, PRONTO+ PRONTO . k".r_ . .._ _ JAGRt 1 9a1a tsan§p9 . .noL ~q~+ulta+ . .rvVw ~~ .+ome~

(APPLAUSE AND MUSIC)

DON+-•»--•.i.edies ~nd^SeM.remsx y-omalase ttear~ka~Ehe ^gr es.

30-.milLion

1l 17i 0 1 031 3 4 6 5 PROCrRAM #31 Revisod Ssr7.pt y%

A go t~A6472ICAN TOBACCO~ COMPANY

LUCKY STRIIQ~.

THE JACK BFdM7 YROCRAM

._ . . . __L_A_PRIL_9 _l . - .

LR

FlT};01 0373 4 6 6 THE JACK BENNY PROGHAM SUNDAY, APRIL 9, 1950 OPENING COMMEROIAL

SAAHBUT'T : THE JACK BENNY PROGHAM -- presented by LUCKY STRIKEI

RIGGS : (CRANT -- 60 to 62 -- SOLD AMERICAN)

HIF.STANll : Scientific tests rn ove Lucky Striko is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettesl

SHARDUTT : Yes, sclentific tests prov_e Lucky Strike i .s ttllder.than

any other pr .neipal brand of cigarettes!

HIPSTAND : Confirming these scientific tests, an independent

consulting laboratory with more than fifteen years'

experience in cigarette research reports -

VOICE : Lucky Strike mildest of six major brands tostod!

SHAPlf1UTT : And no wonder Lucky Strike cigarettes have been mroed

milder! For years Lucky Strike has conducted a unique and vast program in research . . . i.n quality controls . . . . and manufacturing mothods . And today, tomorrow, always --

HIESTANU : LS - MFT LS - MFP

SHARBUTT : Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . fine, light, naturally mild tobacco that gives you smoothness ond

mildness and never a rough puff!

(CONTINUED)

VSR

/?1h09 03134 6 ? T9R .TP.CK BRNNY PB03ti."Ni "UNnA`i APhI[, o„ 1950 GOPENING CONu&R(':AL --(CONT'IhUE:D)

HIF.STPSID : So light up a Lucky . Prove to yourself what scientific tests prove -- Lucky Strike is mildr than any-othcr

prmcipnl brand oiciparottes t

S4AP.HUT"P : Let your own taste and throat be the judge . For the

rich taste of fine tobacco . . . for smoothness and

mi7dness . . . remember -- them's never a rouph puff

In a Lucky Strike!

VSR

h?TY{01 03134GB (P'IHST ROUTINE)

(AP"PN1i COMMN:RCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : Tk0'.: LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK riENNY . .WITH MARY I1tiINU540PIF;, PHIL HARRIS, ROCHESTER, DP :NNIS DAY, AND "YOURS 4RUIY" DON WILSON .

(AFPLAUSE . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DAN : LADIES AND GENTLEP EIIV . .ON THE CORNER OF CBS SQUARE, THERE IS

A SMATS . DRUG STORE WHICH IS FftFq,UE:N7YY VISITED BY RADIO

PERSONALITIES . . .AT THF. MOMENT, MFiiVYN, THE SODA JP7iICER, IS TALKING TO FLGSSIF, THE NFW WAITRESS . M6L : Take it easy, Flossie, don't be so nervous .

SANURA : 7: can't help it, Mervyn . .after all, this is my first day as

a waitress .

M"r1L : Eh, it's nothing to worry about . .What did you used to do? SANhRA : I was in the movies . a ., MF;L, : You . . you ~ in the movies? SATIDRA : Yeah, I was head popcorn popper at the Pantages . Ml.'[. : ,+~Why did you qui t? SANDRA : My boy friend got tired of kissing my salty finEers-Gee, I hope I make good at this job .

N.

RTh' 0 1 .0378469 I+GsIr. ((/, Don't worry, you'll do all right . . . . . oh-oh, get ready

for business . . .here comes Jack Benny and seme of his cast . SpNIk2A : Oh, gee . . .celebrities . .k'ho are they?

*1r. Dennis Day, Don Wilson, Phil Harris, and Jack Benny . . . Sae, they're starting to cross the street .

SANDRA : Oh yeah . . . . whi.ch one is Jack Benny? IMi1L : The one that looks like he won't make,it .,, You better set a table for them .

SA NDRA : Okay , Mervyn . .give me four glasses of water .

"L'L : You'll3 only need three, one of them never touches the stuff . . . Now come on, you better get busy, Flossie .

(SOUND : DOOR OPENS Oi'T ) ~e~• JACK: ~ Come on, fellows . .there are plenty of tables .

DENNIS : Let's sit over by the window . .

DON : Okay by me .

PHIL : HI YA, NIFRVYN .

GOOD FPc'ALTH TO ALL FROM RN:XAIZ. .

F?TH 0 1 0 31 3 4.7 0 JACK : Phil, why do you always make him do that?

PHTt : 'aiell, It only costs me a buck a month, and if my sponoor ecme:3

in he'll be impressed . JACK : Vfhy?

PKI2 . : Because this is a Thrifty Drug store,

JnrK : Oh,,,well, let's sit down ,

(SOUND : SCUFFLE OF CHA~IRS) SANI7RA : Your orders please . ~j

PH'h ; VIEF~I:Fk:FT.:IS,LTd.SS.TS, . . . +~-+,n new telent hore .

5.4DRXtA : Your orders please, gentlemen .

P,tIL : I'11l take a hsm sandwich on rye and a cup of coffee . SANIkt4 : Yes sir . JACK: I'll have the same . SANLRiA : Yes sir .

DnNNIS : And I'll have a glass of mtl.k and some apple pie a le mode . J.ANLRA :Yos sir .,what flavor ice cream do you want on your pie?

1)r"'NNIS :~ /No- /~/No ice cream, just put on a scoop of mashed potatoes . JACK : Deimis, .Dermis . .why in the world do you order pie wi.th a seoon of mashcd potetoes?

DIsNNIS : Because I'm a slow eater . JACK : N'het's that got to do with it? . DNNNIS : Ice cream melts . 4_ . JACK: Woll nl .asked him, . .he answered me „and now I'm too sick to eat,

SAIvD!Li : 'Nhat will you have, sir? ?s7

i3TX 0 1 03 13A 7'1 y

::ON : I'11 have a shr :mp cocktail, son,e clan. chowder, a

porterhouse steak, hearts of lettuce with thousand island

dressing, some green peas, french fried potatoes, a piece o ;

", chocolate layer coke, andd a cup of coffee . ~Q,,., .~ rsa .7 - iFRASF }Mt -A'$t°Ff~bORlC'~J~l/lTRA4RSISE'B"FM°~Y

.Y t-ffee"lu(`t . o?~.~r}~-GL .G-c - - JACK : 2-vr23Y~C^wstCitYft~^yott ::'.+That'll be all, Miss . C4AtirRA : Thank you . I'll be right back wlth your orders, gentlemeu . (SOUPiD : DFPARTING FOQTSTSPS)

JACK: Say follows . . :shd's a kind of a cute looking girl, .e<.,

PHII. : Yeah . .nice personality, beautiful red hair, sunny smile,

trim ankles, cute little figure and --

IA

/? 19 01 03134 72 JACK : °hil : A Hemember, you're marr!ed :

I'}I1L : I kno-ywr, but I can still take inventory, can't I?

JACK ; Yes,'i~l------Dennis, what i re you looking at ? DhT]NIS : There's lipstick on my glass .

JACK : Lipstick? Well, I'11 calll the waitress and tell her to --

UF:NN15 : no . .no . . .th7.s is exciting ;

JACK: Dennis, what s exciting about lipstick on a glass?

DF.NP7iS : It's spring,t,,ny, spr]ng :

AL

RTh01 0313473 (N Ev EV) F J ACK : Oh, be quiet . .

DON : Say Jack, there I s a new record hero in the juke box called

"Dearis" and~it ' s sung by Dennis .

DENNIS : By me? Oh boy, I'm going over and play it .

JACK : All rlght, go go•

DENNIS : Nobody touch my g1~as s~

JACK : We won't, we won't .^ Play the record, -~^(APPLAUSE) (DENNISIS SONG . . ."DEARIE") (APPLAUSE)

MO

i?T}S01 .30 1 :.34 74 -7-

(SEDOND k003'INE) 'i3A6If"^""-YeII'99®'t'f~eemtsY'r"bkfiM19°'M69RHr+&rrdro^Ho,y o-

"GI46S-~ME60rd .

'ii3%FtF39.•~4ksybe-Benis.had,a,oold . RTA41i6w .~l,cl..ta.- SANI%U`. : Will you gentlemen have anything else?

JACK: )x; Not me, I've had enough . SANDRA : I'lll bx+ing your check in a minute .

JACK: Say Phil, how's about coming over to my house for a little

gin runmly? PkIIL:k~~.I'd like to, Jackson, but I've got to go home and wash Alice's hair . JACK : Phil, you . .you wash Alice's hair? Pft7L : I used to be on for Fitch, I gotta use that stuff up some way . JACK : What?

PHIL : S7.lpyoursoff, I'llwashthat, too . JACK : Never mind . . . Say Doo, how about you coming over to my hou=e? a DON :I~AI wish I could, Jack, but I've gotta go back to the studio and make some spot announcements . JACK : Oh: .Flennis . .would you like to^p7ay a little gin rummy with vz? D^3vNIS : No . JACK : Why not? llfSN]IS : You cheat . JACK : I . . . .I cheat? .)bN,NIS : I've been watching you. .when you play, you deal off the top of the deo'r .

A I X O 1 03 13'A- :'5 -8- JACK: What?

DENNIS : The man I played with on the train always dealt off the

bottom .

JACK : For heaven's sakes, kid, when will you learn that--- SANfYtA : Here's your check, gentlemen . DON : AI'11 take it .

JACK : Good, good . . . Well,,mos&owS ., follows, I'm going home. DEIVNIS : Mr . Benny, do you want me to drive you?

JACK : No thanks, kid, it's such a nice evening, I think I'll

walk . .

~ .So long, DON, PHIL & Dfi74NIS :So long, fa<-4 .

(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPP:NS . .STRIFT NOISF.9 . .FOOTSTRPS) JACK : Gee, the weather is balmy . .spring is the nicest time of the year, The trees are green, the flowers are in bloom . . . makes a fellow feel good : DfORE FOOTSTEPS). (SOUND .

IR

111 540 1 0313476 -9-

JACK : (SINGS) Toct Toot Tootsie, gondbyo, .Nnnnyyyhhh.

Toot Toot Tootsie, ,

Where does Jolson get off saying he doesn't go Nnnnyyyhhh . . .

i)ADADADADEI7AIA .,DA3A i)EAA-- "r'Or

PT AiNc. : (SLIGkFi' SbTT:PSTEAK CHARACTER) F x cuse mc, Mister . (SOIIND : FOCIPSTEPS STOP)

JACK : Huh?

F'ONTAINE : Could you spare a dime for a cup of coffee? JACK : A dime? . . .Well, let's see--

(SOUND : JINGLING OF COINS)

JACK : I haven't got a dime .,the smallest I have is a half dollar . FONTAIIIE : 1 haven't eaten since yesterday . ~ /. JACK : Ph. . .We11 . . .Look^buddy, herep teke the hal£ dol .]ar . FON'PAINS : Gee, Mf .ster, thanks . .Thanks a lot . JACK : You're welcome .

(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS AWAY.,JACK F'OCIPSTEPS CONTINUING)

JACK : ...... Gee, that was nice. . . . .~ of. . .Heine,~ only askedfor - ~~ ^. a dime and I gave him a half^dollar . . .

(SOUND : TEN FOOTSTEPS AN ) STOP)

JACK : I wonder if it's deduoti .ble . ., ._Eh_ : what's the difference?

(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS START)

JACK : (SINGS) Toot Toot, Tootsie, Goodbye . .Half, half, dollar, goodbye, . Da 3a da da do da de . .da da da da da da da do da da de da dum. .toot toot-- AkPIE : Hello, Mr . Benny . JACK : We]]., Mr . K1tze1. . (APPIA.USE)

DJ

fl7h01 0313 4 i 7' ANPI9: "Vho was your friend1I just saw you talking to? J.^,CK : Br1end? . .Oh, oh . .that was some poor man who wanted a dlme for a cap of coffee . .but I gave him a half dollar .

ARPPe : Bless you

.CK : Thank you .JP. . .Ciy the way, Mr . K1tze1, where are you going?

NiTP.'s : I'm on my way to the baseball game .

JACK : Oh, yosf~there Is a game tonight . The Angels and San Die.go . .

I didn't know you were such a fan . . : Jh, my yes . . . ARTIe

I

.7A6isr.r nMd4esyw.!$4Yeas~S~q+9AWg9p~p;-

A.RTIF7 : (~r1HBtf(}}- But I'll tell you one thing, Mr . Bonny . . .the

baseba~ll players ~a~Vre not like they used to be . . N- ~ I~[A JACK : g tF4m»ar,~ .some of those old-timers i4 ..basaba .7.l._

were really great . aiTlE :dt,My . . .when I think of such players like Christy Matthewson, Ty Cobb, Habbi Ma_anville--- .,u .7ACK : No no,^ you mean Rabbit+Maranvill.e .

.ti4TIE : Rabbit? Him I never heard of . . .Well., I don't want to be

late, Mr . Benny . . . see you again . _ z . / . JACK : Goal6yag~nv-~i6iLSel+--Oh, by the way,4while I as Srn the drugstore I meant to buy a package of Lucky Stri!ces end

I forgot to . .Do you happen to-41~ -'

IF

HTH01 0 373 4 78 ARTIE: : Of course, of course,'! smoke Luckies . Here, have one of mine .

JACK : Well, thanks, thanks .

f3tTIEl : Believe me, Mr . Benny, I've been smoking Lucky Strikes for nigh onto twenty-five years . JAOK : You have? ~.nrills : Yes, and I'1] never forgot the first time I ever smoked a

Lucky . .the mildness . .tho smoothness . .ft00 HOO H00 3W®: .Tf~.JK : You really like them, eh, Mr . Kitzel?

P-R PIF, : Like them : Not only are they round and firm and fully

packed, but there's never a riff raff in a Lucky . .

JACK : You mean rough puff .

AH'17.R : Riff raff, rough puff, ] .ight one and enjoy . JACK : Thank you . .We11, goodbye, Mr . Kitzel . ARTIR : Sold American .

/7 (BOUND : FO(IPSTFPS START AM) CONPINUE) .,'`"~ _ _ JACK : (SINGS) Toot toot Tootsio, goodbye . .Toot toot--y-that Mr . Kitze] . is a nice guy . . .But then, I'm•a nice guy too . . . That fellow only asked me for a dime and^I gave him fifty cents . . . .Ye e..p

a ( E943~k..,ld'ddV.,kC1ClrS`!'.1'tPS.AI3i?-STF)P ) JACK : Gee, I wish Louella had been there to seo it . . .P4aybe I'll ca17l her when I got home . (90FKiI)S• .-+d~Y)BtASPPsE5..546AR'A~

IR

F1T}i01 03134'r".3 -12-

SoRtasL~S.aeSoeYsib,m:.,- (ThANS1TI0N FNSIC) .,

(SOUIvD : FOCLS`I'FPS UP STFPS . .STOPS . .hiOVr'MINP OF LOORKNOB) JACK :

(SOUP,D : JINGLE OF KNYS ON CHAIN ) ~

JACK : +S:s4.me:eee now, which one is my door key?

(SOUNI) : JINGLE OF KSYS)

JACK : fiere's the key to my car . . .the key to the garage . . .the key to my hope chest . .(If Mary doesn't ask me soon, I'm gonna start wearing those things) . . .Oh, here's the key to the door .

(SOUND : INSFRT iQ:Y, IATCH TURNS . .DOOR OYERS APID CLCSF3)

ROCH : (OFF) BOSS, IS THAT YOU?

JACK : ~<,ROCH]sSTNR, I DIDPd'T 7SIOW YOU iJ17tF' HOMF ;.

]xOCH : I'M IN THR K1TCfUIV .

(SOUND : COUPIF FCOPSTEIPS . .TIJKLR OF DISHFS') JAC .C : Rochester, isn't this your day off?

HOCII : YEAH. .BUP I THOUGHP I'D STAY HOML' ANll GE :1' CAUGH'1' UP LIfPH

T H sF; DISI S . (SOUND : TINKC~9- OF DISIIh5) / 2Z JACK : Bub-•FtaekeaUer, you've let a who] .e week's dishes accurmlate .

Why do you let them pile up like that?

IR

F?ii{ 0 1 0 3 1 34 8 0 -i j-

ROCH : IT ISN'T MY P'AULT . . .IT'S TBAT NEW SOAP YOU BOUGHT . WE JUST

CAN'T GET TOGETRl'R .

JACK; 4Yhat do you mean you and the soap cen't get together? ROCH : NF}fl6N TIDE'S IN, I'M OUP! ,iAG~K:.^-,:.•.~oTr:'~We39.;*•03xtoe'+ )etrwnbey~dkkroixo+~~ryryWyeaeASStri.e'Yw

ftl71iV2T69lVPf .

" '~ Nf1T AiJRR'j~

J°.CK : .,..d[s .«.di °~«oG~rot~'°R"i2Tt*S'S~DYftlbPfeA . On the way home j --

ROCFi : ExCUSE: h4;, BOSS, I WANNA PU1' Ti1FSE CLtiAN DIS}DS AWAY .

a`e (SQ~U1N~ : TI~NKf.~4~ DI-S~FD.iS ffi''NG STACKE7> AND CONTINUES)

JACK : 'On my olay homc som:e poor/fellow asked me for a dime .

RCCH : UH HUH JACK : Rut I gave him fifty cents .

(SCUNI) : LOUD CRASR OH' DIStnS) JACK : Rochester, why did you drop those di .shes? . . .Al.l I said was I gave a man fifty cents . (SOUND : CRASH OF DISHFh)

JACK ; Rochester, you didn't have to push that second steck off the dra]ntaar3

: I DIDN'T TOUCH. ROGN 'BM, THSY JUMPED OFF BY THAYvtELV15 ; JACK: "sVhet a swss . ROCtL• BOSS, LOOK AT MF6 JACK : Huh?

ROCH : DID YOU RFALLY GIVE: A MAN F7F'T'Y CENTS? ICN

0 1 - h01 03134 0 1 j

JACX : I certainl .y did, Rochester, ar.d.Aii' I. had knou: the+wonderftil . J feel.ing . . .the warm glow I'd get from being generous Lwould

have started earlier in l].fe . . . VOCH : BOSS . . .WOULD YOU LI[Q: TO TALK ABOUP MY SAIARY?

Manana . That's a word I picked up In Palm Springs . Skss, d~

Rochester, I've had a long day so I,Al .hink I'11 go to bed .

ROCH : OKAY . .GOODNIGHT, BOSS . JACK : Goodnight .

(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS) . JACK : (SINGS) Toot toot Tootsio, Goodbye . . .Toot toot Tootsie, don't cry . (SOUND DOOR OPENS AND CLOS&S) ~~ JACK

: DA DA DA DA DA DA DA, DE DA DE DA DA .l,1. .I'1.1. beC 1'11 really sleep tonight . (SOUND : SiP1) SPRINGS) JACK : Ah, tai.s bed feels good . .lt'll feel good to get my shoes off too . . . .(GRUNT) (SOUND : SHOE DROPS) JACh : (GRUNT) (SOUND : SHOF,' DROPS) JACK : Hm. . .taat's a funny lookl.ng sock . .Oh, for heaven sakes . . I told Rochester a million times . ."Don't put my gloves in that drawer ." . .No wonder my toes were cold, they were separated . .(YAWNS) Where are my pajamas? . .Oh, here they are . .(YAPINS) I don't ever remember being as tired as I -- Oh my goodnosss, I almost forgot .

(SOUND : SMALL Sh7AWER OPPTJS . .FLIPPING OF PAGF5 . . .

SCRATCHING OF PEN) Kd

HiH 0 1 0 313462 -15- JACK : Dear . .Dlarf . .Apri1 9th .,Nineteen fifty cents--I mean

nineteen fi .fty . . .Today I did a wonderfull thing . .a needy

peraon asked me for a dime for a cup of coffee and I gave

him fifty cents

: LOUD. (SOUND CHPSH OF' DISIINS OF'F' MIKk) Jfa91C'.°"°^°•glry~-(SOUP0

.) : DOOR OPBTQS) JACK : ROCHRSTF72, WRAT HAPPFaIE:D IN THE KITCHN,N? ROCH : (OFF) I UON'T KNOW, PM IN HPS), JACK : Ch .

(SOUND : DOOR SIAM1S)

JACK : We]], I better get to bed, too . .

(SOUND : BF ) SPRINGS)

JACK : i've gotta geti up early tomorrow morning .,(YAWPiS) .,and

play golf with Mery . .Oh gee, I forgot to call Iquella and

tell her about giving that man fifty cents . .(YAVJNS) But

then, maybe that's too harmiy„(~';;1V5) It was nice of me

thouph . . .(YAWNS) I didn't even know the fellow a n l I gave

him fiftj cents . .(YAJNS) fifty cents . .He didn't have a gun or anything . (YAWNS) .,I just gave him fifty cents .,(THHP7N SNORF4 )

(1riB A M MUSIC ENDI ;]G WITH CBASH AND VIBHAPF.OND EFBtiCS)

(SOU2:D: LIGHT CROWD NOISEi)

FGM

R 1 H 0 7 031 ;.i 4 B3 -1G-

AE IOON : IADIES AND GFNTIS•ME:I, THIS IS YOUR C .B .S . l90'RL7HIDE

CORRESYONDPINT i9;INGING YOU THE PNE:MP YOU'VA1 Ai L HF,'FT1

WAIT7NG 'rOR . TODAY DIGNITARIFS FROM TFfE FO'.1R CCRNFRS OF

THE s^•ARTH AAVF. GATH112ED AT THIS BANQUET TO PAY HOMAGE TO

TIIY MOST GFNII20US MAN IN THF.' WORI D . . .JACK bENTIY . .T:•.CK : (LIGHT ECHO) That's me . .he's talking about me . . They're

giving me a banquet! NB7SON : YES, IADITS AND GFNTLBIv¢1N, THIS GRE'AT EVENT IS COMING TO

YOU FROM THE BANQUA.T ROOM OF THE TAJ MAHAL . .THP. DAIS IS

RFPLETE WITH DIGNITARIBS . A HUSH FAIdS OV15t THE AUDIETICu

AS TIfF'. MASTER OF CFRFbiONIl+S RIShS TO HIS FL ET . 1IF IS

NONE OT1I`eH TAAN THR HONORABLE 'iJINS_TON_ CHURCH_I_L_L .

JACK : (LIGHT ECHO) i'linston Churchi]~ll at a banquet for me :

3'CMI'AINF; :(AS CHURCHILL) AHFM . . .lADIES AND GENTLFDl,~. SI . . .IT IS WITH

A DBT;P FP:ALING OF Pd .1"DL THAT I HAVE COME HERE TO FRFSIDE ON

THIS WY)NDFRFUL OCCASION . LITTLI's DID OUR GUEST OF' HONOR HIWPi

THAT HIS FXHIUI"_'ION OF GFNEROSITY'pIrVOU 9HAAN: THN VFRY

FOUNDATION OF TIIN: WOi2LD . I'P.VOW THAT MOST OF YOU WLStF: AS

SHOC KED AS I NL1S . "ijHIIDl THE NPWS RFPAHIcD rNi, I WAS SIT1'IHG

ON THE FRONT STEPS OF fiUI+IDFR TEN DOWNING STRP1Ei . AS YOU ALS• KNO":1, I'19 NOT QUITE: iNSIDE YEl' . . .'~9~4~ii7& .WdAG.rGrll.ff;

AND NOW, AS YCUH MASTF22 OF CPffiP'MONIPS, IT IS MY PISASUHE •i'0

BRING YOU THF iVNi:T SP'e{iKNR . A GREAT 9INFb1A STAR FF20Y1

HOL;,Y'X OD . . . bS2 . JAMi~., CAGNN,^: .

Fai};01 0 3134 8 4 -17- JACiL• (LIGRl' BCSiO) James Cag:.ey : FONTAINk. : (AS CAGNEY) How do you do, ladies and gentlemen . .it's a pleasure to be here . .There are so many things gonne be said about~ 3enny tossin' four bits to a pan handler .,lke~

ob . . .we1l., :,,I'm not the kind of a guy who makes flowery ~,,. . .but I'd just like to say :.wel. d speeches .l . . ^Good health to all from-RexaYl .s~e .~j I""f " , . q . b..,..., JACK : 6ea, Phil mu st too .

F0.T1'AINF. : (AS CHURCHIId,) AND NOW, FOR GUR Iv"IOCT SPRAKIR . .ANGTF 1 ]t

CE:hF.5RITY WHO NOT ONLY RF .'ARL6 MR, REETfNY AS HIS BPST

F''RINTID . .BUT HAS FOR MANY YEARS HAD TFQ: GOOD FORTUNE OF

BEING JACKSON ' S NEICT DOOR NEIGHBOR . JACK : (LIGRP &CHO) He called me Jackson . lNinnie called me Jackson : FONI`A;:NE : (AS CHURCHIS,T,) ANI) ]LrStE, H75 IS . .OUR NFxT SPk:4KE.R . . MR . iiONALD COIMAN .

DP.NNI3 : (AS COINWN)^Thank you, ladies arci gentlemen . .If I were King,

I couldn't possib]y wish for a better nei .ghbor . .If I Were

King . Yes, if I were king, I would bestow upon our guest of

honor the title of :aiighthood . .if I were king . If I were

king, I'd see that every man in ntq kingdom had fi .ve scres

of land, a ten room house, and a glass with lipstick on it . .

And now before I conclude, I would like to assure Mr .

Churchill, that the fity cents that Mr . Benny gave away came

out of his own pocket . .and wil1l not be deducted from the

Marshall Plan .

IN7

F11N07 0313485 -Ia

JACS: (L1GHi I;CHO) Of course not . 1'CNPAINE : (AS C3URCHILS.) THANIC YOU, RONNIE . -l ., Y ; -_i;NNI5: ^That's quite all right, Wl .nni.e .

;2LS0N : LADIES AND GFIV'1'Lu34 ',N, WHILE MR . CHURCHILL IS INi'ROIyJCING

THEI NfMI SPEAY,FR, I WANP TO TAKE THIS OPPOFQUNITY OF

PASSING T}CiOUGH THIS VASP AUDIENCE AND POIM'ING OUT S0'+IH;

OF THE C/PHeJt CFAkIHP,ITIES WHO ARE }(E;RE TOD4Y . . .AT THE FAR

END OF THIS TABLE I SEH] PRINCESS h'LIZABBTH . . .SEATPiD NFJC7.'

TO HER IS MAIIMS CHIANG HIA S}ECK . . .LOOHING D(7NN THF

TAIVd3NIE SEM QUEEN JULIANA OF T16s NEPHERhANDS . . .AND SEATED

NP:XT TO THE QUP:EN WE HAVE A IqVELY LADY IY2F,SS.S'D IN

EFadINE CAPE, STAR SAPPHIRE TIERRA, AND A .Wi4~-~or~"i":,D ~

RRACEL OIT1 ...... I beg your pardon, ^d J .ss, but ;'ve taken the

liberty of describing your jewels . . .So now may I ask . . . .who are you?

ANI%U1 : I'm the girl who works i .n the drug store .

P;E:LSON : Oh . .we11, who is this sitting beside you?

SANIr2A : Do n Wilson, he hasn't finished eat].ng yet .

NELSON : SO NCA1 ONCE AGAIN WE TAKE YOU TO THF,' RAIS APID WINSTON CHURCHILL .

P'ON'1'AINE : (AS CHURCIL1hi,) N`ID NOPI LADIE'S AND GENTi.FM©V, _Wjq~

ANCIPHE:R 6' . . .A GENTLE MAN WHO M YOU AI, T, IUIOW AND LOVE . . . . .~R7 . CARY GRA^fl' .,' JACK: -9oep Cary Grant is horo, too .

M0

f?TX01 0313406 -19- REV FONTAINL : (AS GRANT) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen . I am very

happy to be here tonight at the Taj Maha1 honoring thi .s

great man, And I would ].ike to say on7y this . . . . Mr . Bcnny

may have had the experience of being Charlie's Aunt, but I

was a Malo Sar Brido . . . . Thank you .

FONTAINE : (CENHCHIIS,) THANK YOU,h42 . GRAN'I' . . .AND NOW, WE COMF: TO ONE a. OF THF. HIGHLIGHTS OF THP: EVF;NING . . . MAN TO WHOM N&t .

BENNY GAVE THE FIF'iY CEMS'S . . .M2 . JOHN L . C . SIIMONLY . JACK : That's the guy .^. .the guy I gave the money to . v~++ FONTAINE : : (SILVONEY) Ladies and gentlemen, IPmFiio to have this ,.z c-G chance to talk to you because+I have a confession to meke . 'Pfien Mr . Benny gave me .the fifty cents, I di~n 't^buy nothin' u- -~ tL< to eat wilqwt . I fifty cents and Osv4owbom

sweepstakes ticket . '

JACK: A sweepstakes ticket :

GM

A1YS 0 7 0373467 -z0-

FOrPA7DG; : (SILVG,1,Y) 7ikaY.-.wi9wwI was just hanging around the (COrfi 'D) house . I wasn't doi .N anything . . . . . *~ just hanging

around the house . I didn't feol like do in ' anything, so I

was anging3ttetaround the hhousen "~. . ( IAUGHS) Arrl 1 started

listening•to the radiator . . . . . radio . A11 of a sudden the

radi.o started talking to ne . ~I had the radio for three

years . I never said anything to the radio . The radi.o never

said anything to mo . r didn't s l~ak to any fltr x ture in nrv ~ 4 X .< ,/, ) .,a'< ~.«. ,,z ../ house at al10(. . Ad.lof a sudden the radio says "Y`ou are the

winner of• ttu-hundrod and fifty thousand dollar ea+eepsteKes % _ ..G. ~ " I said, '4^!ho? " "You ." ".Ue'~" "Yeah ." I said, WhCiU~ 1=wy . . . ~ . •.e ., : .ae~ . ~o.a q v>BO3e> M699oi mamiwr?" He said, "`!cur number is a07-5999`{210M6 dash'44j9 . . . . -u/vvv>>± ...... :a7:7S29 John L . C . Silvoney ." I said "Holy Smokes,

that's me : "(LAUGH) F-Was..~uous . So I won a hundred . and fifty thousand dollars .

JACL: (LIGHL' ECHO) A hundred and fifty thousand dollars! FO;tTFSNli' : That's what I-arrMStfnSng .

JACK: (L7GIFI' :SCHO)Then tho :._nd_rec_ and £iftv_ housonddollar_, is nan_e .___I pa~~e vov the fift,y cents_, .S_pa_d for_tha : ti.eket, minc~it!9,mine . S nald for Lt . . . .I PAID I'OR IT . . .Z)il YOU :CWAR . . .IT'S NSNE, I PAID FOR Il' .

RUC:i : P•OSS ...... DOSS . . . . .

J AC'.<: ( S?ZGRP i,CHO ) I'I" S[S`dn, . . .I'f 'S MI NNI . . . .1 PAIL1 FOR PP I rtOC:f: : RJSS, Wrli4: UP :

PAO

FiTH07 039348 13 _2I_

JACS: I PAID - (AFEG MAQd) . . .Ruh. . . . . Huh?

HOrfi: I3JSS, YOU'VE BA:N;N YLSIS,ING IN YOUR SL&hP . JACK: Oh yes, I was dreaming .

F:OCIi: OVNfd.' WNRE YOU DRF.ANSNG, BOSS?

JFlCiC : About giving that man fifty cents .

(SOUNll : LOUD DISHE:S C}ZA,SN OF4' MIK[,)

JACK: Oh for heaven's sakes, there go the rest of the dishes . (AF°LAUSE : AND PLAYOFF)

ATXC)1 0 3134 0 4 'a. "$Q-dics and gentlemen, the impersonations of Winston

Chu 111, James Cagney, Cary Grant, and John L . C . voney were no by Frankie Fontaine ...... Ronal.d Colmcygdfl'~als 9, impersonate y Dennis Day .

iAN : The impersonati of giving away fifty jp Snts was done by

Jack Benny . JACK: Thaik you, Don .

( "MJSIC & APPLAUSF.)

JACK: Iadies and gentl , n, . .nine out of fires start through

carelessnes~ Llach .year forest fires a e destroy-enough

timber buii.d eiphty-six thousand housee ,, cripp].e vital wa ~sheds ...... ,and worst of e11, cause much 1 s of li°e!

our part to prevent fires . Neyer_ discard li~t matches or cigarettes : Put them outt Take every preca'Stion you can to prevent fires!

_ (APPLFlUfl~-,)..-f _ ..,....,,..«._.....~.. .._.. ._ ~______. .-.~~.,...... ~.....:... W.v...»...~..z,v,..>.:., DON : Jack will be back in just a moment, but fi.rst .,, .,,,

MO

RIH 0 1 0313490 TR E JACK SPsNNY PROGRAM SUNDAY, MRIL 9, 1950 CLOSING COMME:RCIAL

RIGGS : (CRANT -- 60 to 62 -- SOLD AMERICAN)

SHARRUTTc Sci.entific tests prove Lucky Strike is milder than any

other principal brand of cigarettes!

HIESTANll : Yes, scier.ttfic tests nreve Lucky Strike is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettes!

SHARBUTT : Confirming these scientific tests, an independent

consulting laboratory with more than fifteen years'

experience in cigarette research reports -

VOICE : Lucky Strike mildest of sixme~10 ,r_brands testedl

:{IESTAND : LS - MbT

LS-MFP

SRARHU4'T : Lucky Strike means fine tobacco , . . tnat's why, with every Lucky, you get the ric_h- taste of fine, light, naturally mild tobacco . Yes, smoothness and mildness with never a rough puff!

HIESTAND : Just 7.isten to the words of Mr . Rayniond W . Crutchfi.eid, for sixteen years an independent tobacco warehouseman &om ReidsviLle, North Carolina . Recently he said . -

VOICE : In my experience as a warehouseman, year after year, I.'ve seen the makers of Lucky Strike buy good smoking tobacco - fine, ripe, mild Ioaf that makos one great smoke . I've smoked Luckies for twenty years! (MORA:) VSR

H1X01 0313491 THF. JACK BF.NNY PROGRAM xNhAY, APR1L 9, 1950 CCLOSING COWIFRCIfS, -- (CONTINUF1l)

SHARHU7"P : So smoke a Lucky . Pivve_toyourself what scientific

tests prove -- Lucky Strike is milder than any other

principal brand of cigarettest

}IIF,&PAND : Let your or' taste and throat be the judge -- for the rich taste of fine tobacco . . . for smoothness and mildnes_ . . .z•emember -- thero,s never a rough puff

in a Lucky Sirike -- so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw .

VSR

HTX01 03734 92 (REVISE9) (TAG) z3

JACK : Ladios and gentl.emen, the lmpersonati ..ons of Winston m .. . Churchi .ll, J es Cagney, Cary Grant,aand delm^Ir.-C . Silvoney, dk~ ac~i. ~ were done by Frankie Fontaine ...... Ronal.d Co].man was impersonated by Dennis Day . DON : The impersonation of giving away fifty cents was done by Jack Benny . JACK : Thank you, Don .' Goodni.ght folks . (MUSIC & APPLAUSE)

DON : Ladies and gentlemen . . . nine out of ten fires start through

carelessness! Each year forest fires alone destroy enough

timber to build elghty-six thousand houses . . . cripple vital

watersheds . ., and worst of all, cause much loss of lifet

Do your part to prevent fires . Never discard lightod matches or cigarettesl Put them out! Take every precaution you can to prevent fims I

Be sure to hear Dennis Day in "A Day in The Life Of Dennis 6,/ Day" . . . Snty/tuned for the Amos I n t Andy Show which follows

immediately 9Me-4s

CBS . : . THE COLUMBIA . . . . 'B ROADCASTING SYSTEM /

MO -1

A1901 0313493 PROGRAM #32 REVISFD SCRIPr AMPRICAN TOBACCO COMPANY_ IUCI4 STRII4i TN_6 JACK SE.YQNY _FROCRAM

MWAY,i, APRIL 161 10___C _.___4_00 - 4 :3 0 PM Y3T

F1TX01 0313A94 THF: JACK BENNY PfiOGRAM SUfSNiY, APRIL 16, 1950 OYENL:IG CO[ML*'}cCIP.T..

SHARBU',"T : TIIF JACK flBT7NY FROGRAb1 -- presented by LUCKY STRIKH!

RIGGS : (CHAIVr -- 60 to 62 -- SOLn ANFxICAN :) H

:ISTAND : Scientific tests prov-e Lucky Strike is milder, than any other principal brand of cigarettes :

SHARBUTI' : Yes, scientific tests prove Iucky Strike is tt:ilder than any other principall brand of cigarettes :

3IFSTAND : Confirming these scientific tests, an independent consulting laboratory with more than fifteen years' experience in cigarette ros=arch reports --

VOICE : Lucky Strike mildest of six m,ajor brands tested!

SHPRBU'1T : And no wonder Lucky Strike cigarettes have been proved

milder! For years Lucky Strike has conducted a unlque

and vast program in research . . . in quality controls . . .

and manufacturing methods . And today, tomorrow, always---

HIESTAND : IS - MFT

IS - MF T

SIIARBUI'T : Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . fine, light,

naturally mild tobacco that gives you smoothness arid

mildness and never a rough puff :

GS

tiiX01 03 1 34 9 5 THF JACK 3MY PHOGRAM SiTAhA7. APRiL 16, 1 ~0 OPBNIiJG CO'nQ~4Y,CIAL-~COA'T~

&[IESTAPdD : So light ap a Lucky . Prove to yourself what scientific

tests prove -- Lucky Strike is milder than, aryy _th_er

princiZal., brand of cigerottes :

SHARBO'fT : Let your own taste and throat be the judge . For the

rich taste of fine tobacco . . . for smoothness and

mildness . ., remember -- there's ne_ver a r_o qn puff in a Lucky Strikel

GS

faiYtO1 0313496 -1- (FIRST ROUTIYE) (APTFR cONMS?RCIAl., DNSIC UP AND DOWN)

DO;V ; THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BFJlM',,,WI'PH MARY

LIVINGSTONP;, PHIL HARRI9, RCCHF S TPR, DENNIS DAY, AND "YC'JHS

TRL2Y" DON WILSON . (APPLqUSE. . .MUSIC UP AAN DCkN)

TGN : LADIPS AND GEN'MF1+ EN .,AS~WkALyJG~O4L SPRING•IS 4A6"~

HFRE. AND LAST NIGHI`, AS A ROMANTIC MOON BMIIk2) DOWN ON

DE'VFPLY HILLS . .,OUR LPI'TL.E STAR WAS SITTING ATANN. ]:N HIS

DEN BY AN OPETJ WINDOW . .

(STRJNGS PLAY "IT MIGHT AS WS 11, BE SPRING" ., .FADE)

JACK : Ah, look at that moon . .,(SNIFFS) Smel .ll those orange

blossoms . Now I know what they mean when they say, "In the

spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of

love" . . . Gosh, most of my friends are married and I'm

-.nttll .

(SOUND : PHONB: RINGS . .,RFI;EIVFR UP) JACK : Hel.lo? M4RY : Hello, Jack, this is Mary .

JACK : Oh ~ Mary . Mary,, .how are you, Mary? w.C-- b;AF:Y : .r 2'm fine, Jack, and L . .well, . .well, L . .Jack, I hope I didn't disturb you .

JACK : No no, Mary, I was just sitting here in the den thinking . MARY : That's fanny, I've been . .well, I've been thinking too .

JACK : That's funny . . .that's what I've been doing . . .thinking .

MfSiY : Well, look, Jack . . .well . . .well, we've known each other for

a long time . . .and . . .wel.l, it's spring, and--- JACK : Yes, yes . . .yes . .,)

IR ~ z

A1}S 0 1 0 31 3 .19? -p- MARY : Wel1 . . .I know it isn't my place to say it, but--- JACK : WRiat's the difference which one of us says it? It's Spring . .

MARY : AlIl right . . .al.l right, 2'lI, say it . . .Jack . . . . JACK : Yes? MARY

: Why don't you get your house painted? JACK : Iimmmmm.

DON : THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED IAST NIGHT . AND THIS MORNING . . .

(VIOLINS PIAY LIVEI,INIt VERSION 0F "MIGET AS WET.J, BB SPRING" )

(SOUND : DOOR BUZZBR)

JACK : I'll get it, Rochester .

(SOUND : FEW FOOTSTFPS . . .DOOR OPt7VS) MARY : Good morning, Jack .

JACK : Mary, vhat are you doing here so eard.y . . .and who is this man with you? MARY : No's the painter . JACK : The painter : But M,ary, I didn't have a chance to think it over . After all, ;----- MARY

: Mr . Hawkins, tk}is is Mr . Benny .

SAM : Hi Rube . . .I 'vo certainly heard a lot about you . Shake . (SOUND : WFJ' SLOPPY SQUASII) JACK : Hm .

SAM : Sorry, forgot I was holding a wet paint brush . JACK : Mary --

MARY : I took him off another job to come here .

JACK : But why did you have to bring him so early . I haven't even had my breakfast yet .

IR

R 7 X 0 1 0 313 4 -9B -3- SA61 : Go right ahead . I won't disturb you at all . I'lll just

come right in and---

(SOUNll : WOOUEN CL4'fl'BH Hl'M'ING TH@. F'iAOR) JACK : OUCH, b1Y FOOT : Oops, dropped my: SAM ladder .

JACK: Well, don't just stand there . Pick it up .

SAM : Okey dokey . . . Hold this .

(SOUND : WF7r SLOPPY SQUASH)

JACK : Give it to me by the handlet

-(ytaRV• ~~ietMKCI ~~~

~1}nC71 .C1f...hanan88..

ROCH : (OFF) OH BOSS, YOUR COFFEE IS GES'TING COLi) .

JACK : Okay, Rochester . Say Doll, would you like to have breakfast with me? SAM : Don't mind if I do . ~,..d. , :>...... ~l . JACK : I'm talking to Lha-ycung-

A iX07 0313499 -4- JACK : Not Nit'n- the paint brush : Fonl av`~,cGc..aakasy-what kind of

MARY : Jack, It was an accident . Come on in the kitchen and have your breakfast .

JACK : Okay, okay . (SOUND : FIk' FOOTSTEPS) JACK : Rochester, put an extra cup on the tabl .e, ROCH : OH HFLLO, MISS LIVINGSTONE, MARY : Good morning, Rochester,

ROCH : YOU'RE JUST IN TIME . I MADE A NICE BATCH OF PANCAKES .

MARY : Wel1 . . .I was only gonna have a cup of coffee, but sinco you

have pancakes, I'il---- Rochoster, what's that thing you

just put on the plate?

ROCH : A HYPODERMIC NE;Fi7LE, EJ+RY : A hypodermic neodlo{ What's in it? ROCH : SYRUP . NARY : Syrup? ROCH : IN THIS HOUSE WE MN'T POUR I'P ON WITH CAREI :.F5S HFNDS, 1 WE INJNr'P IT :

JACK :{~~'Stop making things up . Mary, this thin3 that looks like a

hypodermic needle is really a cake decorator, and It's

filled with whipped cream . .aIt comes in handy when you wanna write Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas .

MARY : Well, what's it doing on the breakfast table?

ROCH : MR, BENNY NOT ONLY WANTS HIS PANCAKFS THE SIZE OF A DOLIAR,

BUT I G01TA WRITF. E PIIJRIBUS UNUM ON EVERY ONE OF 'FM :

IR

t31ri01 0313500 -5- JACK : Rochester---

ROCH : P'JTTING THE FEATHERS ON THE FAGLE IS MURDbR .

JACK ; Rochester, be quiet .

MARY : You know, Jack, the way Rochester's got those pancakes fixed up, they do ],ook like dollars . ~. ..%1 JACK : Yeah . . .(LAUGHING) Atd.2.Mary, you wanta hear something funny?

NFJiY : What?

JACK : Yesterday when I was shopping, I thought I'd have a little

fun, so I tried to pass one of them at the meat market . NARY : And what happened?

JACK : The butcher bit it to see if it was good . . .it was good . . . so he ato it . . .Now come on, (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) SAM : Hey, Rube . JACK : Huh?

SAM : I looked at both yo ur upstairs bedrooms and they'll look nice in green . JACK : Oh, have you seen the bathroom? SAM : No, I haven't been outside yet : Outside? . JACK SAM : Oh, forgot I was in the city : Well, go upstairs and look at. JACK it . SAM : Okay Rube, see you later . (SOUND : DOOR 9IAM) JACK : ~ Mary . .Mary . .how in tlie world .can you bring a strange painter you know nothing about and expect me to---

` IR

R1'HC)1 0313501 4a, .,1z - - - -6 MARY : c 8ut-Jack, Mr . Hawkins isn't a stranger . He's an old friend of my family . It was on account of him that my sister Babe broke her leg .

JACK : You mean he broke her--- -

MARY : d'/ It wasn't his fault . . .Papa hired him to do some painting . . .w° -W ~.v . h~S.~ .G...:.> When ha-put the ladder up against the house, Babe thought it was an elopement and .stepped out the window .

JACK ; No:

MJ+RY : Yeah . . (LAUGHINGLY) She landed with her head in a bucket

of paint and for two years she was known as the girl with

the green hair .

JACK : Mary, while you were off last week, did you write that ,s .,.....-_ routine? .lIf you did, it's the last timeyou'17 . (BOUND : DOOR BUZZPR)

JACK ; COME: IN . (SOUND : DOOR OPFNS) MARY : Oh, it's Don and the Sportsmen Quartet . Hsllo, boys .

QUART : Hmmm . JACK : Hi ya, Don, how are you? DON : (DOWN HFARTEU)o A11 right . . .all right, I guess . JACK :.T •Don, what's the matter?

DON : I'd rather not talk about it .

JACK : Now wait a minute, Don, I know something's bothering you . . . Now what Ss it?

IA

lli}i01 0313502 _q_ DON : JACi<: Come on, Don, what is it? DON

:u.c/d.Well Jack, a terrible thing happened to me this morning . I stopped on the bathroom scale and I weighed a hundred and eighty-six pounds .

MARY: Well, Don, that should have made you happy . That's ninety pounds l .ess than you ever weighed .

DON : Oh, I was happy . . .I was thrilled . But then I discovered something .

JACK : Oh, your bathroom scale was wrong?

DON : N o , my stomach was resting on the wash b sin . .4 JACK : Ben. . .Don . . .di.d you come over here just to tell me that joke? DON : (I6:UGHING) Yes, Jack, and I thought it was very funny . JACK : Oh you did, eh . . .{4ell Don, there's an old Chinese proverb that says . . ."Announcer who make joke about stomach in basin,-~^•^^-•~z .G. . ~~on-wf+ehc&-np° . . . .Now what did you come over for, Don? Ka o . . . ~ . .n s• . . DON : Well, I brought the quartet with me because they have an"lc~e for a commerciall that they want you to hear . JACK : Wel.l, I'm glad you did, Don, because we haven't got the commercial set for the show . . .Now what--- SAM : Hey, Rube .

JACK: Just a minute, Don . What is it, Mr . Hawkins? SAM : Just looked in the kitchen . . .and to paint the walls and ceiling will come to twelve dol .lers . . .but I'lll only charge you ten .

JD

RiHC)1 Cl'313503 JACK : Why?

SAM : I ate two pancakes .

JACK : Good good . . .Now Don, what's this idea the boys have for a commercial ?

DON : Well Jack, every year we do something appropriate for the soason . JACK: Uh huh .

DON : And so far this year we haven't done anything about Spring . L«..< .. JACK: Say, that's right, Don . . .it is Spring~iAs a Emetter of fact,

last night I was sitting in my den by an open window . . .I was n.,• e looking up at the romantic moon,•smelling the fragrance of

orange blossoms when all of a sudden the phone rang . DON : And what happened ?

JACK : What happened, I'm having my house inted ✓ . . .WOll, Don if eZ - . - rd E.z/e., »o,~ a.C ..,ei< ..,..~a ,,,..Ut ✓~„. -~/ rrc ,~... the boys havf.~s somethingagood fbr Bpring, I thintC it will be .6' good for the show Sunday . .,Let's hear It now . DON : Okay . . .take it, boys .

JI)

RTH01 03135 0 4 -9- (INfRO)

QUART : TIF's FLCWE:RS 'PHAT BLOOM IN TIi SPRING TRA IA

THF. FLC4IRRS THAT BLOOM IN THE SI'RING

AS WE WIitRILY DANCE AND WE SIIJG TRA LA

LYE WELCC*,' THE HOPE THAT THEY BRING TRA LA

OF A SUMMER OF ROSES AND WINN:

OF A SUtMll?.R OF ROSES AND WINF

BUT IT' S NOT OF THE FIqWEIRS THAT 'hbl WAN'P TO SING

CAUSE THI!Y CAN'T COMPARE WITH TIQS hI3SSAGE WE BRING .

TOBACCO THAT GROWS IN THE SPRING, TRA LA

TOBACCO THAT GHOWS IN THE SPRING, IT GROWS IN KENTUCKY TRA IA TRA LA

IT I S PUT IN A LUCKY TRA LA TRA IA

THAT'S WHY THFSRE IS NEVEH A ROUGH ?U?F 11 THERE ffi YFVER A PUFF THAT IS ROUGH

FROM OUR ANAIYPICAL SURVF,YS WE HIV04V

T}tLlltFl'S NOTHING SUPA:RIOR TO IUCKIFS, OH NO .

TRA LA LA LA LA LA, '1R4 L .A LA LA LA

T03ACC0 THAT GR0L7S IN THE SPRING

CDLPJ EF. OIOH DLF AY HEE

ODLFI& DLEE 0 DEE DiR AY I

YFS THAT 18 THE MESSAGE WE BRING . (APPLAUSR)

JD

Fl i?1O 1 0313505 -1C- (SECOND-ROUTIN')

JACK : l~ That was very good, Donf that'1'. be swell on the show . IC1N : I thought you'd like it, Jack . . .Wel.l, we've got to be running along now .

JACK : Okay, Don, see you later . (S0UH1) : DOOR OFENS AND CLOSES) JACK : You know, Mary, I was just thinking of something . I hope this fellow doesn't charge me too much for painting the house .• I don't want to go to a lot of --- MARY ; Oh for heaven's sakes, Jack, you only have your house painted

every five or six years . Why be so cheap? JACK : Cheap? Mary, I'm not cheap . And I resent your saying that .

MARY : What? JACK : You may not know it . . .but last week a fellow stopped me on the

street, asked me for a dime for a cup of coffee, and I gave

hini fifty cents .

(sOUNC ) : CRASH OP DISHES) JACK : Nv1RYa What was that? ~JACK

: I'1.1 explain It to you later . Alvery time 1 .---

(SOUND : DOOR BUZZER) MASY : get it . .

(SGUNfl : FEW FOOTSTEPS . . .DOCR OPENS)

MARY : Oh, hello, Dennis . DENNIS : Hello, Mary .

JU

A1YlCl1 0313506 JACS : il'ya kid . DEi@P_S : Hello, Mr . Benny, can I use your phone?

JA C'£. : The phone? Sure kid, sure . .go ahead . (SOUND : EIGHT FOGTSTEPS . .RECEIVE:R UP .,SIX FAST DIALS) DENNIS : (AS GANGS7T;R) Hel.1o . . .Now listen, you, I've warned you before

and this is the last time . . .This town ain't big enough for the both of us see . . .I'm giving you twonty-four hours to get out, or you'll wind up at the bottom of the river in a barrel

of cement . . . So get out of town, punk, and stay out!

(SOUND : RECEIVER DOWN)

JACK : Denni.s . . .DOnnis . .who were you talking to?

DENNIS : Humphrey Bogart, I drive him nuts . JACK : What?

MARY : Dennis, why do you keep calling Humphrey Bogart and telling him to get out of town?

DP:NNIS : '.'m in love with Lauren Hacall .

JACK : Innis . .l don't care who you're In love with . Don't you eer do that sgain . . .Bogart may trace the call and find out ~ iteame from here,•conie over and punch me in the nose .

DENNIS : Wha's the matter are you chicken?

JACK : Chiken! . . .Dennis . .Dennis, what's come over you lately?

DENNIS : I dn't know, but if it changes my voice, 1'111 lose two shows .

JACK : Now'-ook, kid . .You came over here to use my phone, you used it, I'm too busy to listen to your silly talk, so why don't

you go home? .

JD

AiY:01 0313507 DB:NNIS : Don't you want to hear the song I'm gonna do on the program first?

JACK : Wc].1, all right, lot me hear it . . but as soon as you=%"-~~ "9-- (SOUND : BACK DOOR BELL (J)

JACK : . Hmmm, there's someone at the back door . . .OH ROCRE5IFR . . .

ROCHF:STB1t . .Oh well, I'll answer it myself .

(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS)

JACK : (HUM.S) The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la . . .the

flbwers that blo om in the spring . . .ls ]a la la la la Is la la

la Ia la la la la la la 1a

: SCREEN DOOR OPENS). (SSUND JACK : Yes?

PRANK : (SILVONEIY) Excuso me, Mister, haue_3c7u-geY-~oc~~- .:d_''._.j.obs ~- aan-as.•fon-a .meai,? .. JACK: Wct3- .

FRANK : I ain't had nuttin' to eat since yesterday .

JACK : Say wait a minute . . .you look familiar to me . .

FRANK : Huh?

JACK : Didn't you stop me last week on Vine Street?

F'HANK : ~YOaht-yoab . . .Say, dat's right . I asked you for a dime for a cuppa cawfee and you gave me half a buck . JACK : II thought I saw your face before . . .We11, look, I'l1l arrange to get you something to eat, but first I'd like to ask you

a question Mr . . .Mister . . .er . . .? . .

FRANK : . Silvoncy . John L. C . Silvoney .

f31 x0 1 031350 e -13- (izFVISFn)

JACK : Well, Mr . Silvoney . . .this question sounds silly . .but did you _ . ..< - ,Gyj.._ .. ~ buy-e4sweepstakes tioket vith the money 3 gave you?

FRANK : Oh no . .dat would be spending the dough foolishly . JACKo Oh . .we11, what did you do with the money? . FRANK I bought a guide to the movie stars homes .

JACK : You ., you were so broke that you had to beg for money and you

spent it to buy a guide to the movie stars homes? FR4NK

: Wel.l, I'll tell you how it happened . .n I wad hanging around

the park and 1 wasn't doin nothing . I was just hanging

around . I didn't feel like doing anything . I said to myself

"h11at you doing, John?" I always calll myself John . ~,Inever

call myself Mr . Silvoney . That's my father's name . n So I

said, "I ain't doin' nothing" . And I wasn't . I was just

hanging around the park, I wasn't doing nothing . (LAUGH)

Well., I started feeding some^peanuts to the pi .geons . I don't

know why I shared my peanuts with the pigeons, they never

shared noth5.n' with me . f3,RU9H) After while a fellow comes ' /u'. n alongataEl says, "Hey you . I says, Who? n1, AH!" So-3~b~~~ino=ee2d-y+~'llb~you- .ranta~-buy-a

guide to the , movie stars h mes?" And I wasn't doing nothing so I bought it . -

JACK : So that's what you've been doing all day .,,,walking around looking at the movie stars homes .

MO

R1H01 0-4 93>Cl9 F'RANK : Yeah, and I already saw Gregory Pock, Ray Mil],and, and Lans Turner . .Lena gave me her autogmaph .

JACK : She did? F'RANK : Yeah . . .and while she was signing her name, she amiled at me . . .0ooh, it made me so nerrrrrvous . . .(SI[S,Y IAUGH) JACK: , you just wait^here, Mr . Silvoney, and I'll have my msn fix you something to eat . FRANK: Tank you . . .but don't make it nuttin' fancy . . .I'm in a hurry, II gotta get over to Bob Hope's houee by f'i .ve o'clock .

JACK : Oh . .are ycu going to get a meall from Mr . Hope?

FFANr : No, I'm one of his writers . t e/ J'.CK : 3ky-el~-BIi. : . .V:ell,^you just wait here and _r- 11 have some foofl brought to you : Walt a minute, it's four. FRANK o'clock, can I have a cocktail first? (IAUGIL9) JACK : i~- No, my bar doesn't open till si.x .

(SOUND : SCREEN DOOR CIASES . . .FOJPS4'E.P3)

Jtl

f1iX01 0313 51 10 -15-

JACK : Oh Rochester . .

ROCH : YBS, BOSS . JACK : Therc's a hungry man out in the back . . .Wi11 you go in the kitchen and fix him something to eat? HOCH : YES S1R . JACK: You know, Mary, that's an amazine coincidenco . . .it's the same man who asked me for a dime last week and I gave him

fifty cents .

(SOUND: (OFF) TERRIFIC CRASH OF POTS AND PANS) JACK: ROCHF:S9'ER, WHAT FF.LL?

ROCH : THK PJTS AND PANS, WF.'RF. ALT, OUT OF DISHES . JACK: e1r, . .Come on, Denni.s, let's hear the song you're gonna do,

DENNIS : Okay .

( .1PFLAUSR)

(DENNIS'S SONG . . .IDIDDY'S LITTLR GIRL)

( APPLAUSBI)

MO

AT}G01 C1373=i11 (mHlen ROUTINE) -a- . ~, Y aa,.,a.., _ ,~ a a,as~ JACK: ~~nrds, that's one of the most^'boautiful songs I've ever

heard . . . I have to hand it to you, kid, you really have a

-~wonderfVl voice .

I:ENNIS:4. Thanks . JACK: (CUTE) If you want nva to, I'll phone Lauren Bacall and tell her . DENM S : If a man answers tell him to got out of town . JACK: Oh stop, will you . . . Dennls, when I say nice things to you, I wish you'd -- (SOUND : DOOR BUZZS'R) JACK: COMB IN . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) JACK: Well, Butch and Joey . . . . come on in, follo.vs . HUPCH & JOF,Y: Hello,,Mr . Benny . (SOUND: D:)OR CLOSF.S) JACK: Mary, Dermis . .you know Butch and Joey of the Beverly Hills Beavers .

Iu',NNI S : A( Sure . MARY : Hello, boys .

BOYS: Hello . JACK: What are you fellows doing here today? There's no meeting, is there? HU1'CH : Oh no . .we just wanted to remind you that wo're having baseball practice tomorrow afternoon .

MO

RTH01 0313>12 1 7 -

JACK: Oh yes,-,I almost forgot . MARY : Have you boys got a baseball team? BUTCH : Uh huh, and Mr . Bonny is our pitcher .

MARY : hir ., Benny pitches for you? JOh7 : Sure, if he was good enough for the New York Yankees, he's good enough for us . b

the show you're gonna do next wcek? BpTCH ; Uh huh . K4RY : What's this about a show?

JACK: Oh, I thought I told you, Mary . . .it's the cutest thing . . . Next week they're giving a play in the school auditorium

to raise money to pay for their baseball unifor m s . . MARY : That's ni.ce . . .what play are you going to do? Toni Sawyer or Robin Hood or -- JONY ; No, we wanted to do something different, so we're going to put on one of Mr . Benny's radio programs . . MARY : Really?

J .4CF : Yes Mary . .and each one of the kids is going to play the parL of a member of my cast .

MARY: Say, that should be cute . .who's going to play the part of Mr . Benny?

MO

RTX01 0313513 -1$-

JORY: I sm, Miss Livingstone . I was selected because frtyeyeaare Robin's Egg Blue . . . . _ <:<

AUTCH : And we got a girl to play your part, Miss Livingstone . . . She's seven years old

: (LAUGHING) Seven years. MARY old . . . . . Is she pretty?

BUPCH: Uh huh . .and she'll be even prettier when her front teeth come in .

MARY : (LAUGHS) JACK: Isn't that cute, Mary?

BUTCH : And, Miss Livingstone, we even got someone to play the

part of your sister .

MARY : Say, they're really doing everybody . . .who's playing the part of my Sister Babe? JGEY : My brother Herman . JACK: I helped them cast that part .

.6..A~HB.ay6LAse..w.

-Old .boy . .wo,sBU :..1_.=.~si~ cn.~wlexieiaa+~s-vbkrernigHbz .•.,. J.4GYa+-~-mMfM.LEs~hfa-name?

OfH.y9HP8

'a6er fMRY : Say, Joey, have you got X kidsto play Phil Harri.~q.Y+» .

JOkIY : 'Jh huh . . .and we've got a real butter-ball for Lbn Wilson . `.iJPCH : Yeah, you oughta see the belly on him .

JACK: Well, fellow Beavers, we'll all be at the show next week,

ar:d we want to wish you a lot of luck .

MO

I1T ;n01 031351 4 -19-

JOEY : Oh, thanks, Nr . Benny, but we came over here to get some

money . JACK: Money?

BUTCIL• You're our treasurer . JACK: Oh yes yes .

JOEY : We need ninc dollars to get the pro grams printed and five !/~e dollars for/t :cketa . 1u- JACK : „That's fourteen dollars . .Wol.1, wait here,,I'11 be back in a few minutes . . .I've gotta go down to the vault to get the money . .FJ:cuse me, hhry .

(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS, CLOSFS . .FOOTSTEPS

DESCEN)ING STAIRS . .GF71'TING HOIJAWA:R . .F001'STE'i'S ON

CE.MEIVP . ) JACK : Ah, here we are

: RA?"PLING. (SOU['ID OF CHAINS . .HEAVY IRON DOOR ItAM7I,N TURNS

. .HN:AVY IRON DOOR OPFNS WITH CREAKING OF CHAINS . .FCUR

MORE F001'STF.PS . .LOUP RIPPING OF CLDTH)

JACK : Iarn it, I always forget about that barbed wire .

(SOUND : TWO FO(YPSTEPS . .SFxOND IAUDFR CHAINS . .IRON DOCR

HAPDLH7 TURNS . .DOOR CRFFRS OPEN WITH RATTLE OF CHAINS . .

T140 MORE F'OOrSTF7PS)

SPARNS : Halt, who goes there, friend or foe? JACK: Frien9 .ARNS : V.'het's. RF the pvss word?

JACK : R, A, G, G . . .M, 0, P, P . Rag MDp . HM

/1THC11 0313515 -20-

KP:IRNS : Oh, it's you, Mr . Benny : JACK : Yes, yes . . . How are you, Fd?

XFA RNS : Fine, fine . .what's new on the outside world? ~ JACK : ?~,Nothing much . .except that the country is thinking of

admitting Hawai .i and Alaska as States .

KEARNS : My, how exciting . .that'11 meke thirty-seven, won't it? JACK ;i , No, EH . .it'1l be fifty . . .Well, excuse me . .I want to take some money out .

KFARNS : Money . . .out? JACK: Yes and I may be down again tomorrow . You know I'ni having ny house p2inted . KEARNS : Oh, is there a house up there now? JACK: Uh huh . . . .Now excuse me . F]d . .I want to open the eafe . K&F.RNS : Shall I take another loyalty oath? JACK : No no, EH . .Senator McCarthy hasn't mentioned you yet . . . . Now let's see . . .what's the combination . . .R],gpt to forty-five . .

(LIGHT TURNING SOUND) . . . Left to one sixty (ISGHT SOUNll) . . . .

Back to fifteen . . .(LSGHT SOUND) . .Then left to one ten . . (LIGHT SOUND) . . .There .

(SOUND : HANDLF; T(tRNS, .n00R OPENS WITH STEAM WHISTLFS,

BELLS, GONGS, HORNS, RATCHPTS, ETC . . . . PD`1DING WITH B .O .

W}CCSTL E ) .

KM

111 }i01 0313516 JACK: Now let's see . . . . I need nine dollars for the programs . .

(COUIDTS) Five .,six . .seven .,eight . .nine . . . . There, that takes

care of the prograrns . .Now five for the tickets ., .I think

I'll take it in silver . .(CLINK) . .Cne . .(CLINK) . .two . .(CLTN3)

three . .(C:SNK) „four „(PLOP) Oh, that's a}ancake . .Here's a

dollar .(CLIINC) Tliere, tbat'11 do

: btr . Benny, you dropped one of the. KFAHNS bills .

JACK : Oh ye3;~I'll pick it up,

KNARNS : Look, you droppod another one .,How come your hands are

shaking like that?

JACK : ]3 don't know, Fd, but it seems that whenevex• I co wt money, it ~ rrakes me so nerrrrvous „(L0.UGH8 LIKE SILUONF.Y) . . . . .wv27;'Fd, Z-.Lt~izdLl! 1L-a /ua 4 ,. .~ A'iY ~6s"'..,."3f~`",R~¢1Beri!Fe.>-'kapU' °? 17- r3A6K~--•-.SrC~.Cn&~.OU`&..OFF LT 67i.`C..Q1Y8 rnnn nitr ....

. bPDP: ) (3YYIAUBE AND MUSIC)

KM

13 T X01 0 31351? -21-

JACK: Now l .et's see . . . . I need nine dollars for the programs . .

(COUNTS) Five . .six . .seven . .eight . .nine . . . . There, that takes

care of the programs . .Now five for the tickets . . .I thir.k

I'll take it in silver . .(C?SNK), .One . .(CIINK) . .two . .(CLSNK)

three . .(C;.JNK) . .four . .(PLOP) Oh, that's a pencake . .Here's a

dollar .(CLINK) There, that'll do . .

KEARNS : Llr . Benny, you dropped one of the bills .

JACK: Oh yes, I'll pick it up .

Kr:A RNS : Look, you dropped another one .,How come your hands are

shaking like that? . JACK: 1 don't kuow, Ed, but it seems that whenever I count money, it nnkes me so nerrrrvous . .(IAUGHS LIKE SILUONKR) . . . . . Well, Fid, I think I'11-- . S.4iN : Hey Rube, you want this place painted, too? JACK: YOU GET OUT OF IaSiP :. .THIS 1S NY VAULT, .GFT OVf .,OUP . .OUT . .

(SOUND: IRON DOOH CIASFS)

(-aYPIAUSF AND MUSIC)

KRi

HTStt)1 0313518 Indles and gentlemon, one of our grent national haza Fnch year more than ten thousand peop . ose their ]ives in ~es . Arid in nine cases a ' ten, these fires were caused by easness . sure it doesn't happen to

you : Put that nro.tch rette out before you discard it : Take every pr tion you can t vent fires : Thank you . (APPIAUSF•)

DON : _,/.rack will be back in just a moment, but first

HM

fi1TYl01 03 73S99 IF!E JACK R S'M7 _RCGW,M S UNDAY, ?.Fh'L :6 , 1950 :;.OS1WG Co64,~~RCLn.L

3IGGS : (CN,'avi' -- 6o to 62 -- SOL1) PsAFFiCAIV : )

SPIARBUTT : Scientific tests prove Lucky Strike is inilder than any other principal brand of cigarettes :

HIFSTAND : Yes, scientific tests prove Lucky Strike is mi_1_der than

any other principal brand of cigarettes!

SAARBUTT : Confi.rmi.ng these sciontific tests, an independent consulting laboratory with more than fifteen years' experience in cigarette research reports --

VOICE : Lucky Strike cliidest of six ma,ior brands testod :

:IiFST.4ND : IS - A1FT

SFARBUTT : Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . that's why, with every Lucky, you get the rich taste of fino, light, naturally mild tobacco . Yes, smoothness and nildness with never a rou ;h puff ;

HIY:5TANll : So smoke a LucVcj . Prov_e tq your_olf what scientific tests prove -- Lccky Strike is n_ilder then any other

principal brand of cigarettes :

GS

A1h01 031 3 52 0 TF+E Sr.CK BENIYY .'RGGRAM SUNDAY, APgIL lo, 19"0 S~~{Ci_ C~0_F9~k,~CiC If,L__~C OP7 !'~

SHARBUI'T : Let your own tasto and throat be the ,judgo -- for the

rich tasto of fine tobacco . ., for smoothness and mildness . . . remember -- there's nev_er a rouM puCf_ in a Lucky Strike -- so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw .

GS

RTHU1 0313_`>?7 -23-

.doemd~hie•iAino•4~u~xl. 1-

MARV• .

. ' .~ . ~+~Ypr.~p35

sail ~Als~y~3•ook ~c~.t~a+=S•t~ia.e~a.a~obtt.`rvn's~

MJACK : L.Lw..gsLts .,pusq.®ye~...

Goodnight folks . (APP:AUSE AND MUSIC)

DON : fle sure to hoar Dennis Day in "A Da,y in the Life of Dennis Day

••••Stay tuned for the Amos 'n' Andy Show which follows r ') IV g~~+~9 O d T}:IS IS C•F3 .S• .,•THE COUJMIA BROADCAS`PING SYSTEM,

KM

RT 8 01 0 819522 PROGRAi~d #33 REIriSF7) SCRIPT

A_MF_ R IC_AII TOBACCO _ COMPANY LUCKYST'RIKhI --TT}iF . JACK 9ENNY PHOGRAM

SUM14Y, APRI , 23~ 191~0 ~ ~ GFISn -- . .n v~,-,W :00 - 14 :30 PM PST

N`u' G[+sY4YykJJ lif

RG

RTY{07 0973523 1'Y.b, JACK 3}pINY PP,OGRAD1 SL'NDAY, AP.R :7, 23, 1390 OPPZPING CJ!MdF,RCLIL

SHARBUT'i' : THE JACK BFdvT7 PRO('xiAM . . . presented by LUCKY S7RIKE :

RIGGS : (CHAN4' -- EO to 62 -- SOLD AMERICAN)

I[IFSTAND : Scientific tests prove Lucky Strike is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettes!

SHA.4ffilflT : Yes, Lucky Strike is adlder . . .cmd science provides the proof :

H1F,5TP.PD : Test after teat produced conclusive evidence of Lucky Strike's greater mildness . But that's not all . Thesn scientific tests are confirmed by independent consulting laboratorios and they prove . . .

VOIO'^l : Lucky Strike n :ildest of six major brands tested .

SFiAW3UIP : Yes, with every Lucky Strike you light, you got a truly

smoother smoki .ng, milder tasting cigarette . There's never a rough puff in a Lucky! ` Y

H[FSTF.ND : And here's one big reason why Lucky Strike is ndldea --

SH4RBbTT : IS - D4'T LS - MFT

HIF:STA&ll : Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . fine light, naturally mild tobacco that gives you more real, deep-down smoking enjoyn:ent .

PS

RTYi01 C)313 5i2A TY•A JACK LiFv'7NY F.^,OGRAM SGND\Y, APRII . 23, 1?;0 OFENINU COMMIRCIAIi~CUb"1'~

SPIARBVM' : So for the rich taste of fine tobacco . . . for smoothness and mildness . . . light up a Lucky . Yes, prove to yoursolf what scientific tests prove -- Lucky Strike is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettes . Make your next_ carton Lucky Strike!

f z

HT}i 0 1 0 3 9352 5 (FIRST RG(PP:CNE) (AFPAtt COMNfcHCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : THE LUCKY STRIHIR PROGRANi, S1'ARkING JACK BENNY . . .W7TH MARY

ISVINGSTONE, PAfL HARRIS, ROCHFSTFJ2, DENNIS DAY, AND "'LOUitS

TftUIY" DON WILSON .

(APPIAUS'c. . .MUSIC UP AND DOUdN)

DON : iADIES AND GEMI'LFIu7 N, IF YOU'RE A 3 Wi& SUBSCRIBPS( TO THE

WF:F:Kf,Y PUBIICATION PRIPYPED BY THE BCYS OF T HE BEVESPLY HILL`i BEAVF7tS . . .YW'IJ, HIVO'N THAT TONIGHT THE MFMBFdiS OF THE

CLUB ARE PUTTING ON A PLAY AT THEI SCHOOL AUDITORIUM . OF

COURSE, JACK BENNY, WHG IWPPENS TO BE THE TREASURER OF THB'

CLUB, IS PIANNING TO GG . . .AND .AT THE MOM.ENP, ROCIIFSTF.R 13 PRESSING JACK'S SUIT .

ROCH : (SINGS) PRESS .IT OIyCE, AM) PRESS IT TRTCii, THEN PHFSS IT ONCE AGAIN, IT'S BEF1V A LONG, LONG TIME . DA IA R4, DA :.A, DA DA . LW IA, DA DA, PA DA .

WP:LL, I GOT THF• PANPS PRESSF7) . . .NOW FOR THE COAT . HM, 4vHAT'S

THIS HE'S GO'P IN HE77P1? ...... WELL, A IWG OF RICE . OH YES,

VICE PRFSIDEPFP BARICII7'S WF7)DI ;VG . NG( . BENNY WASN'T INVITr.'n,

BUT THAT DIDN'T ST'OP HIM . }IF', PUT ON HIS TUXE:T,O, WE',NT TO

THE NhWSREFT, AND THREW RICE AT TIH: SCRF'.EN ...... I BETTE R

FINISH PRESSING THE COAT BH}'ORH . . . . .HM1 . . . . . WHAT DO YOU KN9V v ,

THN7 PRICE TAG IS STILL UNllFIt THE COLiAR . . . . . T4tRN7Y-TWO F lP i7 .

THAT ISN'T MUCH TO PAY FOR A TURF1'0 . I. WOMDPR WHFEiE HE

BOUGHT IT . . . . . IT SHOULD BE ON THE LABEL . . . .YE'AH, g'HF.RE IT IS . .

THE PEP BOYS . . . . . OH YES, IN THOSE DAYS THE.Y USEJ) TO

RG

RiH 0 1 03435 2 E. /~ i_z<.,. JACK: (CCIA.NG IN) Oh Rochester ; have you finished pressing IV clothes yet?

RJCH : YFS BOSS, BUT WHO WAS THE IAST ONE YOU RFNTFD THIS TUXE170 ^0?

JACK: Why?

ROCH : fi'VF72NPIh4: 1 JAY THE COAT DOWN THE ARh& F'OT D .

JACK: Oh stop~ ", u .F-. X_ ROCH: ANriUAY, YOU'RE ONIY GOING TO A SCH001, PIAY . WHY DRFSS B'ORMAL?

JACK: Rochester, the Beavers aren't putting on just a play,, . . . they're gonna do their version of nd radio program . You see, each one of the kids will portray a member of rriy cast . ROCI[ : OF .

JACK: And since I'm the inspirati.on for their show . .they xray ask

me to come up on stage and nnke a speech . Gosh, I haven't

nade a spaech since Vice President BarkFey's wedding . And

then I d.idn't get to finish it . The feature picture came

on . Anyway, Rochester, this play the kids are putting on is

(SOUM) : DOOR BUZZFd2) JACK: I'll get i .t

;7).: (SOU FIVE FOOTSTE.PS, DOOR OPENS) .tif~....y~_. JACK : F[rmn . .that's 9 w nq, there's no one here . (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES . .NOOTSTRP3) JACK : Now why would anybody ring a doorbell, and then --(I)OOR BUZZP72) , . .Picmn . .

(SOUN ) : FTVE FOCIl'STRPO . .I)OOR OPENS)

FiG

RTH01 03135'7 -3-

JACiC : That's £unny . . .nobcdy, here this time either . ROCH : BOSS, PUP fi7 YOUR GL4SSf8 ; THAT+tllW DOORSTO THE CLOSL'1'! JACK : Oh .

(SOUND : DOOR BUZ7,Fii) JACK: I'll get it . ROCH: WANNA BE'P? JACK : Never m?nd .

(SOUND : COUPLF.' BOGTSTHYS . .DOOH OPENS)

JACK : Oh, hello, Msry . . M°.RY : Hel] .o, Jack . What took you so long to answer the door?

JACK : Nothing, nothing . Anyway, why are you here so early, we

don't leave for the school audi .toriun for an hour yet . MWRY : VJel7., I couldn't find niy coat, and I thought maybe I : left it over here .

JACK : Your coat? I don't think so .

MARY : Did you look in the -closet?

ROCH : 000000000000Hf4i, DID HE!

JACK: Your co;t's not l~there, Mary . . . Now as soon as I get dressed,

we'll go .

ROCH : HERE1'S YOUR TIAr'.DO, BOSS . .

JACK: Help me on with the coat, Rochester . I want to see if it

still fits . . . Thanks .

MP.RY : Jack, if you wear that old thing, I'm not going with you .

JACK : 4Vhat?

NJ'.RY: You got that tuxedo when you first went into vaudeville . . .

It's so old ."asTdoned now,

RG RTH01 031352l1 JACK: 01d fashioned? MARY : Yes, ], .ook how l .ong the ooat is? (IAUGAS)

JACK: What are you laughing at? N14RY: You look like the villain in "The il~unknrd," JACK : Only when I wear the cape . . . . Now Wsry---

W1HY : (ACTING . .I ,OW VOICE) AH, MI1 I PROUD AFf.UPY, IF YOU DON'T PAY

TfL9 MORTGAGE, Z'IS. THROW YOU AND 1'HF) BABY OUT IN THE SNOW . . . NNyi IIN.H HF7{ }EII . JACK: Nary, stop, willl you please? M1M^.SY: 'Nel .l2 look, Jack, I'll rmke you aa proposition . . JACK ; Huh? MFlRY ; If you'll buy a new tiaedo, I'll take you down to the Ivhy Compvny and got you a big di .scount : Mary, you mean that after all these . JACKyears you've been workjn5

for me, the Pkiy Cominny still gives you a discount? M0.RY : They send me food, too

: Now cut that out . . .I'm. JACK genna wear the tuxedo I've got and

that settl .es i.t . . . . NOw Rochester, I won't be home v att& ---

(SOUNll : PIIONF] RINGS) JACK : I'll get it . (SOUPE): COUPLP7 FOOTSTEPS . .RT~'...G'ETVRR UP) JACK : fiel].o? PFIII,: H'ya, Jackson, I just called you to find out if I can cancel tonorrcNi's band rehearsal on account of--(Don't crowd me, s1. lady, I'll be oPi 400 phone in a minute .)

ftG

ijTH09 0313529 JACK: Phil, where are you calling from?

PHIL : The corner drug store . . .I'ni picking up some medicine for Remley . JACK: What? t(<. PIiIL:uK F/That'swhy I wo.nta cancel

catching cold . PkCCL : Yeah . He caught this last one sleeping next to an open window .

JACK : An open windowi Well, why didn't he close6ifl ? ~

PAI L : It wouldn'ta done any good, he was on the -vftt6K+.of the house .

J A CK: That's the silliest thing I ever heard . . . . sl.eeping outside the house . .Why didn't he go in?

PHIL: M wasn't his house : Pihat? . JACK

PHIL : I told him a million times . . .don't take them short cut,s . . . . (Don't crowd mo, lady, I'm rolli .n')

JACK: LNell., okay, Phi.1, you can have Band rehearsal the next day .

PHIL: Can't do that either, Jg,ckson . That's why I'm trying to

get Remley over his cold e He's getting mar•ried that day .

JACK: Huh? Remely is getting narried? Well, that's certainly news to me . . .whero is Frankie's wedding gonna take place? IQA

M Hn1 0313530 -5- PHIL: (C!]TH HEVliRS;!CE) At the Little Bar Around The Corr,er .

JACK: Well Phil, If I kmow kemlay's fr]ends . . .Vaho's gonna stand up

for him? ...... ILA HA AA, .,Don!t crbw_d-me-Nary~_ I!ni .rollin! .

. . . . .N'ell look, Phil, don't worry about the band rehearsal .

You can have it anytime . . . . Goadbye .

PHIL: So long . .Oh, by the way, Jackson, did you get that record =

sent you this morning? •

JACK: / Yes, Phil, but I haven't played it yet . .What is it? PHI.L:GudIt's a song called "W'ilhomina",,"i,It's from that picture 1

just nmade, "Wabash Avonue" . .and I do it with the Sportsmen

@ilartet .

JACK ; Oh, well, I'l1 play it as soon as I--

PAIL: Just a minute, Dod . (W'hat's that, Lady? . .Oh, you j 'ast

rea].i - ed who I am, huh? . . . . . Yeah . .that's me .) JACK : Phil-- :~. PHIL : Just a m7nute, I'm giving tM

PHCL ; (4tHISPEPt) Can you hear me?

JACK : Yes yes, what is it? PHIL : (V,fIISPER) Does Sincerely start with a"C"?

JACK ; Yes Phi1 . .C - I - N--

Ptil:L : I got the rest of i.t . So long, Clyde .

JACK : Goodbye,.

(SOUND:RECEIVFR DUAI Q)

F?1}1U1 0313531 -7- JACK ; Oh Mary, Phll sent me a record that he made with the Sportsmen Quartet . . .Tat's play

MARY : Okay . .where is it?

JACK : Right there by the ptso nograph . . .And play 7t loud, Mary, so I

can hear it in the other room while I'm getting dressed . (APPIAUSF ; )

KM

f31k1q 1 03 13 >32 k-

(INTRO) PHIL : dM1U:L1I2ad1:NA, SFY. 'S THE CUTEST ISTI'LF: GIRL IN COPENHAGF.N . l9IIH6MINA, FHP: HAS AI.L THE FT:LiAWS CRAZY IN T}IE NOGGIN QUART : ]N COPE'MIAGEN . e, FHIL : ANJ T}IE ROSF.4 In HF:R CHREKS

AND TI[ft 17USI:C W7iEN S}CN' SPEAhS

AND HOW SWEET }aR HISS~ TASTE

QUART : SUGAR CANISH LIKE MY DANISH PASTRY . WI LHENQ NA PHIL : MAYBE SOON WF : WTLL ELOPE IN COPP7J}IAGEN

WIId{ENQNA, 4VE'L?, SHARE E'VF.RY'i4IING INCLUDING MY TOBOGGAN .

QUART : IN COPENHAGEN

: AI-, THuI OTHR9P . PffiL GIRLS BAY "NO" .

QUART : OH NO . P}IIL : BUT W'II3IF :NIINA SHE SAYS "NSNF" . QUART : NO TIb]F.' . 'rHIL : ALL THE BOYS CALL WRI3IE&IINA W'ILLSh' QUART : YA}[,

PHI : HUY' I CALL PIILHIBMINA MINE .

QUART : SMOKE A LUCRY, AND YOU'LL NEVER FIND A CIGARE.TTE THAT'S SMOOTHFI: .

Sh40KE A LUCY.Y, ASK YOUR FAT}IlsR, MOTHF.R,

SISTN7i, AND YOUR t"802R . MWs Your klrootFer :

THHY'RE SO LIGHT AND b1ILD, YOU SEi: JUST THF. CIGAREPTE FOR NE'. . YES, IT'S L 5 M F T

PFCLI,;/l...<,THAT LFANS LUCKY STRIKE IS b+ArE OF FINE TOBACCO . N(IIJiFNQNA .

KM

A rx 01 0 31353-1 -9-

QUART : IMMMM LUCeiP1S ALL DAY LONG IN COPENHAGEN .°kiIL : w'-TLHFS:INP.

QUART : II' 5rIE DIDN'T SHF:'D BE CRAZY IN THE NOGGI:N, IN COPENHAGEN .

Al L THE OTHER CIRLS WANT PHIL,

BUT WILF RM. INA SHE SAYS "NINE" .

S1Q'; WOULD RATH6R HAVE A PACK OF LUCKIFS

'CAUSE SHE T3IIQRCS LUCKY STRIKES ARP ; FINE .

PHI[' : WHO? W405-IEMINAI

QUARP : THAT EVb:R-LOVIN' GAL OF MINE . ( APP? elli SEl )

MO

A rxot 0 atasaa (SECOND ROUTINE)

JACK : Say Mary, that was very goodn.and it was thoughtful of Phi] , to get the Sportsman to do it with h7ni .

AARY : Wai.t a minute, Jack, thsre's a little more on the record .

JACK : There is? Play it .

(SOUND : SCRATCHING OF' RF.CORD)

PHIL. : GOOD HBl4i.741 TO ALT, FROM RkXAIS , . JACK : I]mew he'd get that in

: Say Jack, don't you think. MARY it's about time we left for the school auditorium?

JACK : Yes, we haven't got much time .,Hochoster, get my car out cf the garage .

HOCH : YJU CAN't' LSE THfs' CAR, BOSS, A NAIL WENT THROUGH ONE CF THF : TIRN.S. JACK : Ch . kOCH : I TOIS) YOU NOT TO BUY SUCH CHEAP TIRES . JACK : Roohester, the most expensive tire In the world can be punetu:ed by a nail . ROCH : A FINGc:RNAIIL

JACK : Well, what did you touch i.t for? . . Always testing . . . . .Now whe.t'ro we gonna do? MP.RY : IPve,got my car outside . ~, . . . JACK ; OY.ay,^ ws F ll go in yours . . . . . Come on . ( S)

:0

RTi; 0 1 0393 5 3 5 -12-

;NARY: Goodbye, Rochester . ROCH : GCODBYE, JACK

: Goodbye,

(SOUND : FOOTSTI:PS„DOOH OP1,NS & CLOStS, .F00TSTEPS ON

CE+ENT)

JACK : 'ary, wasn't that a nice song from Phil's pi.ct~.me? 6M1°.aY : Yeah . . .(SINGS) :^7IL~iE"ANA, Sh'P:'S THF: CUTF5T IsTTLE GIW, IPl

COPPn^IFiAG^N, IN COFENF4\GEN .

JACK : JACKCr P :+'.NNY, YOU"Jb: GCA' THE TRUP:ST, BL'JE'ST EYES IN ANY

NOGGIN . . . . . LEa~[ ..,G,7•E It7 'NAUi9 .'i:-GGGG :NP. . .I,134 DA DA DP7 PA

MARY : Oh look, .~sek, here comes Dennis on a bicycle . ( SGL"~U : _ OJTS4E?3 STOP)

JACK! Where?

DEKNIS : He]lo, M:ry . Hello, bfi . Benny .

JACK : Hello, N)e were just leaving for the school auditorbya .,

aren't y o s gonna see the Beverly Hills Beavers put on their play?

DF,NT7.S : Oh, sure„but it's such a nice night I thought I'd ride over

on my new bicycle . JACK : Oh, is that a new one, Dennis?

PENRS : Yeah, I wn it last night on a quiz pro gt,am ,

NARY : On a quiz program! . . .Gosh, you're really luc 1W . DEMVIS : Yeah .

JACK : UJas ?t a hard question?

DEYNIS : Oh no, it was easy . The men pointed at me and said : :''Would you pay a hundred dollars for this bicycle?" I said, "Yes" so I gave him the hundred dollars and he gave iho the bicycle . KM

A1h01 0313 5 36 -13 & 1.- JACK : Dennis -- UFNNSS : I almost won a refrigerator but : didnIt have enough money . JACK : Look kid,^did the Master of Ceremonies of this gui_z program have a little htsmmer in his hand? nRNNIS : Yeah .

A+AHY : Dennis, you were at an au.ction : JACKa Certainly . . .and all those people cron3ed around+were biddt- ; . . .Now come on, we better get to the school auditorium . DENNIS : Okay .

JACK: JlBy the way, Dennis, did you ask your mother if you could _

quail hunting with me again next week?

PBNNIS : Yeah . hARY : Dennis, i didn't know you go with Mr . Isenny on his h .niti : ; trips . DENNid : Oh sure, I'm his retriever .

MARY : You mean when he shoots, you bring back the quai]?

UEMS : ,lo . 4I/hen he misses, I have to bring back the buckshot .

JACK: All right, all right . . .Now Dennis, les.ve your bicycle here and come with us .

DENMS : Okay . (SCHOOL maANSriI:ON NUSIC)

(SOU NT) : CHOWD NOISE'S)

JACK : Say, this schooll auditorium really is pecked . . .but we got s •.<... ,. pretty good seats, d6dtf=t we, Nary? hM

R1 }SL?1 031353i' -1J-

MARY : These are fine . . . right in the center . JACK: Can you see all right, Dennts? DENNIS : No .

JACK: Well, why don't you ask that man in front of you to take off his tw.t?

DENNIS : It isn't his . JACK : Wqat? DEMIIS : It's rtd ne, I put it there .

JACK : Denais, are you crazy? Why would you do a thing like th.r'

DSNNIO : Bald heads upset me

: Oh, be quiet? .~~ ~''6"-. JACK

JCFLVM : (WHISPER) Hey, Mr. Benny . . Mr . Benny . JACK : Oh, hol'_c., Jcay, is everything roady back-staoe for your show? JOHNNY : Uh huh . JACK : -l+t. Are the '!ids nervous?

JOHNNY : Yeah, a li.ttle bit . JACK : Well, good luck,

JOfNriY : Thanks, Mr . Bonny . . And by the way, you'll be happy

to know that we're almost sold out ofn popcorn .

: Good, good . Now push the lemonade . J./,uJACK

J0;41NY : Okay, see you later .

JACK : 01,~Just a minute, Joey . .did you finally get a fat kid to play

Don Wilson?

JOHM'JY : No, but we're letting Warren do it and we stuffed a pillow in his shirt .

DJ

RI X 01 0313538 -1E- JACK : Oh fine, fine. . Now you'd better hurry, you'll . be late . . . .

Well, Mary, it won't be long now before the show starts .

MARY: Gee, I hope the Beavers really do a good-- JACK

: (WHISPERS) Hey Mary . . . . Mary .

MARY : Huh? JACK : Don't look now but there's a lady across the aisle who keeps star]np; at me. I guess she rocognizes me .

MARY : Where?

JACK : Shthhhh, here she conies . F9ANCHS : Pardon me, but would you be good enough to give me your autograph? JACK : Wt~y certainly .

(SOUND: PEN SCRATCHING)

JACK : There you are .

BIANCHB : Thank you . . . You were wonderful . in The Drunkard . JACK : Hmmnm:.7: . MARY : I told you not to •wear that cape .

JACK : I'll take it off . . . You know, Mary, th1.s idea of the little

kids doing n W radio program is really clever, isn't it? b+A RY : Yes Jack, I think it's the cutest -- oh-oh, the curtains going up . JACR : Oh yeah, yeah,

(SOUND : CDfCI'AIN OPENS) Z . .. ( , JACK : And look,'they've even got a kid orchestra .

MARY : Quiet, here they go .

(FIVS PIECE VPJt5I0N OF TEIP W, )

DJ

R 1-Htl 1 0313539 -17- WARR'c'd9 : JACK BF:RNY PROGRAM, ST.IR}{ING JACK BA:NNY. .YfiTi{ MARY :-]VINGSTONE,, PH]] ; :VfRR?S, ROCHF,'STF7;, DR'.7NIS DAY, AND "YOU:tS TRULY" DON U'_I80N . (APP;AUSF. .F'IVE PIFxF TI-D ;hL's) ! ktARRNN : ANl) NOW, IADIFS AT'J) GF:Ni7.EMI3N, I WOULD LI[C: TO BRINCf'Y0U Tt(F' STAR OF OUR BPiOW„A MAN W}10 STIId, iWS TI{h] FIRST DOISAR HE EVFJ'i F'AHi .~~D . . NOT BECAUSE }fE'S CHN0.P, BTP1' BE.CAUSE'. YOU

CAN'T SPFM) CONF'EDERATE MONFY . . .AND ifir'.RA7 HG IS . .JFiCK BENNY. (APPI AUS:~) JOHNNY : T}aari,c you, tba ::lc you, ttank you . . .Hell .o again, this is Jack Benny talking . . .4nd Don, d!d you t,htnk up that introduction all by yourself? htiRRb :N : (IAUGR7NG) Yes I did, Jack, and I2 thought it was very

funny .

JOfii,'NY : 0h, you did, eh? WARRY.N : Yes ( . . )

JOPQ`lNY : Don. . Don . . Blubber Boy . . , there's an old Chlnese proverb that says . . "Big Yat announcer who make insulting }oke about boss, soon find salary not b5_g fat ., . . And another

thing, Don. . Oh, hello Mary . r,fEl2fy : Hello, Jack . . Hi ya, Don. JOHNNY : Say, Mary, I called you last nj.ght but your nwi.d said you

were out .

O"IRRY That's right . I went to the baseball game with Van Johnson

JOfNNY : ,l/. 1'hat was ntce . Who won? rgIRRY : When you're with Van Johnson, who watches tho game? JOHNNY : Oh, oh, oh, oh, OH . . .

DJ

F•1Ti:07 03135q.0 -18-

ME'RRY : Stop Ad libbing .

WARREN : Mary, what's this you dropped on the floor?

MERRY : That? Oh that-s a letter I got from Mama .

JOHNNY : From your =ther, eh . . . What does the Wild Goose of

PLainfield have to say?

MERPPY : (LAUGHING) I'll read it to you . . . (CLE;AHS THROAT) . . . MY DARLING DAUGHTER MARY . . .JUST A BRW LINES TO LET YOU KNOW

THAT WE ARE AL7, WFLL . .TkQi WEATHER IS NICE HERE NOW, BUT AS

YOU PROBABLY READ IN THE PAPER, LAST WEEK WE HAi) AN AWFUL

ffi . I7 Z ARD AND WHF E YOUR UNCLE HARRY CAME IN FROM THE BARN, HIS

MILSffNG HAND WAS ER02E N . JOHNNY : Goo : I HOPE. NQ]RRY IT THAWS OUT SOON AS WE'D LIBE TO GE'T 17{F COW OUT OF

THE HOUSE .

JOHNNY : I don ' t bl.ane them .

MERRY : NOW FOR A E'EW WORDS ABOUT YOUR SISTF:R BABE .

JOHNNY : Ah, this i.s the pst I always wait ofor . ~„ . . MFIRRY : Quiet . . .t SINCE YOUR SISTER BA}3E GOT MARRIED SHE DECIDED 7'0

HAVE HER TEETH STRAIGHTENED .

JUHNMf : Ysabe's teeth do protrude a little .

MERRY : I 1 LL NEVER FORGET THE 1 CE1tI.'MONY . .Wt 1RN 1'HE MINISTER SAID, "DG

YOU TAKE THIS MAN 1'0 BE YOUR HUSBAND?" BABE OPENF7) HER MOUTH

TO SAY "I DG", ANI) RIPPED HER VFIIL TO SHREDS . , JACK : (WNISYN;R) Say Mary, th A little girl ].s a natural born actress .

MO

R7-HO7 0373 5 41 i+IARY : (WHISPER) Yeah . .she went right on reading the letter, even though her bloomers were slipping down .

JACK : Yeah .

*'.RftY : NO GTHFR NEWS 50 4/I.LS. CLOSE NOW . .WITH LOVE . . .YOUR LOVING

MOTHER, MlVWt .

JOtLANY : You know, Mary, your mother -- WELL, LOOK WHO'S HERE!

JF FF : (SINGS) WON'T YOU COMF: WITH ME TO AIJtBAMMY

LFT'S GO SF:E MY BEAR 01,11 MAMMY

S4F;'S FRYING EGGS ANI) BHOIISNG HAMMY

THAT'S WHAT I LIKF. ABOUT TkN3 SOUTM1I . .H'YA, JACKSON . JOHNNY : Hollo, Phil .

^A•1HRY : Hello, Phil .

JFFF : Hi ya, Livvy, you gorgeous hunk of whistle bait, you!

MFkigY : (LAUGHING) By the way, how are Alice and the children?

JEFF ; Fine . I just left l em . I took them over to the park for a rohearsal for next weok's May party . MFStRY : A May party?

JEFF : Yeah, you shouida seen all thom kids . They looked so cuto as they danced around me

N ff1RFiY : Danced around you? Didn't. ! they have a May Pole?

JkF'F : Yeah, butiI was prettier . JOHNNY : Oh for heaven's sakes . . . Say, Phil, I've been trying to get in touch with you a-lll week . Where have you been?

JEFF : Well, me and Remley went hunting up in the High Sierras . JOHNNY : Oii, did you hunt bear?

MO

Rrx 0 7 0313 s 42 -20-

JHIFF : We11, we . . . (SMILING) Wait a minute . . . Hey, Jackson . JOHiVNi : Huh?

JEFF : Throw mo thatlead again, will you?

JOHNNY : Okay . . . did you hunt bear?

JEF'F : Nu, ws wers dressed to ki .1l . .HA HA HA HA . . Of[ HARRIS, THAT JOKF JII.OPi%s OUGHTA Mf46i CIIS BUY YOU .

,OH!VViY : Phil . .PhiL,Pencil Head . .That joke a7one ougnta make CBS put i.n air condl.tioning . .So you can stop with those --

(SOU:PJ : KNOCK ON DOOR) JOHNNY : CODIE IN . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS)

SONNY : Telogra-a for Jack Bonny . JOHNNY : IJm Jack Bonny . .I111 take St .

SONNY : Here you are, si^ .

JOHN;IY : Md horo's a tip for you . SOIrTY : Oh boy, a nickle! Now I can send my father through college!

(SOUYD : DOOR CLOSES)

JOHNNY : Hm . . .Now let, s see . I uonder who this telegram is --

WARRF N : Oh, Jack --

JOHNNY : Wh at is it, Don?

WARRPIN : Did you only give that boy a nickle tip?

JOHNNY : Yos, Don . . . why? 'n'AHRE:N : b.'e1.1, that convinces mo . You aro without a doubt, the ~heapost, most mi.sejLly, most parsimoni_ous man I have ever known in my life .

MO

i3rr 01 o 313 > 43 -21-

J6HNNY : ...... wFU. : . . . Now lcok, Don -- Mh'PJtY : Uon is right, you are cheap . JbHNNY : Mary, be quiet or you'll be known as Nylon Nellie at the May Company ...... And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight we aro going to -- STUFNY : Hello, Mr . Benny . .Hello, Mary .

MKHRY : Hello, Ibnnis .

JOHNNY : Hey kid, I'm glad you got hero, because it's time for your---

Wait a minute, Dennis, look at me .

STUFFY ; Huh? JOHNNY : Dennis, this Is the first time I ever saw you wearing glasses . Are your eyes bad?

STUFFY : No . JOHNNY : Then why are you wearing those glasses? 3TUYN'Y : My uncle died and ]eft them to me . JOHNNY : Your uncle? Oh, that's a shame . STUFF'Y : Yeah, I can't see a darn thing with thom .

JOHNNY : Well, for heaven's sakes, kid, if you can't see with them,

take them off . Just because somebody leaves you something

in a will, you'xv not compell.ed to use it .

STUFFY : I'm not? JOHNIVY : No

: You. STUFFY wanta buy a set of teeth? dOHNNY : Now .cut that out . . .And take off those glasses ; it's time for

your song .

MO

rarx 01 03135 4 4 _22_

STUFFY : My mother said 1 shouldn't sing on your program any moro . JO}WNY : Why not?

STUfFY : Sho hates you .

JOHNNY : What? h9'',RRY : Ibnnis, why does your mother disli :.ce Jack so nach?

STUNFY : She used to go with Mr . f3anny beforo she met my father . JOHNNY : She did not . STUFF4 : Sha says eho did .

JOfIMVY : What was your mother's name before she married your father?

STUFFY : I didn ' t know her then

: Now Dennis, l I m tired of. JOHNNY your sil] .y ta].k . .lot's have your

SOnt, .

STUFFY : Okay . (APPLAUSE) .

MO

(3Ih01 0313545 -23-

(INTRO)

STUFFY : NOW CLANCY WAS A P=ACEFUL MAN, IF YOU KNOW 'wNAT I MEAN .

THE COPS PICKED UP THE PIECES AFTER CLANCY LF}T THE SCENE .

HE NEVER LOOKND FOR TROUBLE THAT I S A FACT YOU CAN ASSUME .

BUT NEVER THE LESS WQCN TROUBLE . WOULD PRFsSS CLANCY LOWERFD T'HIti BOOM

OH THAT CLANCY . OH, THAT CLANCY W'HE:QEVLR THEY GOT HIS IRISH UP, CLdWCY LOWT .RE:U THE BOOM, BOOM,BOOM,BOOM,BOOM,BOOM,BOOM.,BOOM .

O - LL:ARY WAS A i'IGHTING MAN, TE[EY ALL KNEW HE WAS TOUGH,

P.P: STRUTTEi) I ROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD, A-SHOOTIN ' OFF HIS GUFB',

HE PICKED A FIGHT WITH CLANCY, THEN AND THERE HE SEALAD HIS DOOM . B&~'ORFI YOU COULD SIIOUT, "blIsARY, LC10K OUT!" CLANCY LOWERED THE BOOM . OH THAT CLANCY . OH, THAT CLANCY WHN.[YF.'VFR T[fr7 GOT HIS IRIS'H UP . CLANCY LOWERED tiIF' BOOM,BOOM,BOOM,BOOM,BOOM,B00M,BOOM,BOOM .

NOW CI,ANCY LEFT THA BARBPR SHOP, WITH TONIC ON HIS HAIR,

HE WALKF:D INTO THE POOL ROOM, AND HE M.ET O I RII1s'Y THERE

O I RIIFY SAID : "FOR GCODP7i'SS SAKFIS, NOW DO I Sd.FdS. PERFUME:?"

BP:FORE YOU COULD STACK YOUR CUE IN THE RACK

CI.JU'VCY LOWERED THE BOOM, OH THAT CIJu1'CY, OH THAT CLANCY bMr;NEVER THh.'Y GOT HIS IRISH UP . CLANCY LOWFS2L:D THE B00M,B00M,BOOM,B00M,BOOM,B00M,BOOM,BOOM . MO

r3rx 01 0 31354 c: -24-

~j[.fjQQa„"y~SfT,",~„•,~ ;.j~in nuitMC MF nol~Z TiIT, T .a~' F1TM TN HTS

L~~3'B{Nd3~R+OF~Y~'WS6~w . . .

G7.4NCY..dGYSFiF'n ~wF~ tT00M,~ .

OH'~FY{al~j"'{I'FiA~~t`i"('9}~^$gFl~ .+e~6~a. .a

~4{HK.+(iOEA+•~FFI t3'r~33E5}t . L3P,~•

. '-.A.QQf4s~X7P6r$RP06~#9G4~045'roSQOQ1.$S1j14'1.9Q91'l..

THF. NEIG}IBORS AId . TURNED OUT FOR KATE 0 1 GRADY I S WEDDING NIG :'_

MC DUGAL SAID :"IR'21 5 HAVE SOMft FUN ; :: THINK I ' LL START A FIGHT!"

HE WRP:CKN.'U THE HALL, THEN KISSED Tta; BRIDE, ANI) PULVERIZED T}a GROOM .

TfLEN QUICK AS A WINK, BEFORE YOU COUIS7 THINK,

CLANCY LOWERED Ttk. BOOM,

OH T'HAT CLANCY, OH THAT CLANCY,

WHENEVF:R THEY GOT HIS IRI3H UP,

CLANC LpWERB'n THF, BOOM, BQlpt?,+g@OM5B0(~tq, ~R - r .eY ECYi.,TAF+*4'ABafN&1+•~p2884s-AIdIi4~ •Iti~s41~++H}HmM®Ai~D+iiFFhii , 6~A3IBY ' ~ °~ - --{ASYS.AL!SR) . . sl,~ . . L~. , .. „

i

0

r?rx 0 ti c13135 > 4 ; (sHIRn RoUTiNF:)

JOHNNY : That was Donnis Day singing "Clancy Lowered the Boom" . . .end very good, too, Dennis . MJ:RRY: That's right, Dennis, you have a beautiful voice, / 1~ ... RTUFI+'Y : l: know, that's why ii .WFMa two shows : All right, a] 1 right . .Ttwt kid drives . JOHNNY me nuts . No wonder I'm

gray,, .and I'm only thirty-nine ., .And now, ladies and

gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight we ales!iWm1MQ-

(SOUPID : YHONE RINGS) JOHNNY : I'll get it . . (SOCM) : RHCEIVFR uP) JOHNTn : Hello .

H,H, : Hello, Mr . Benny this is Rochester .

JOHNNY : What is it, Rochester?

H .R . : -t tl/e got somo news for you . When I went shopping this

morning, I put the car in the parking lot . JOHVfJi' : Uh huh . H .B . : And when I cattre out of the mnrket, thore was a rrwn standing there and he wanted to buy your car .

JOH;VM' : He did? Well, I hope youu told him rqy price was a thousand dollars . N,E1, : Uh huh ., but he told Ne that the used car mnrket has dropped some in the last few days .

JOHNNY : Oh . .what did he offer you?

H .B . : Sey>Pn fifty .

-JOHNNY : . Well, that isn't so bad .

KM

R 1_ H0 1 03135,10 -26-

H .B . : You oughta see whore tue decimal point is . JOHNNY : What? Seven dol]ars and fifty cents for my car? H .B . : Grab it fast, boss . I'm talking to the Irishman and he ain't smiling .

JOHNNY : Wel7., I don't care If he's smiling or not . Offering seven

dollars and fifty cents for my car . .Why, the steering wheo :l

is worth more tnan that . H .B . : We ain't got ono .

JOHNNY : No steering whee7.? Thon how did you get it down town? FLB . : Same old way, lassooed the Sunset Bus : Hmm. .We11, look, Rochester, you tell this. JOHNNY fellow that if he wants to buy my car, he can have St for a thousand

dollars and not a cent less . .

H .B . : Okay, just a minute . J09NHY : (MUM1llbLiNG) Hmm . . .imagine offering me seven dollars and a half for my car . .It's in wonderful condition . .It still has the originall rubber on the windshie]d wiper . .Iynwi*x&t sel7l that-- H .B . : Oh boss . . JOHMVY : Yes . H .B. : The man said he'd give you nine dollars for the car if you'd throw in the lassoo .

JOIINNY : What?

h'TfC01 03195A-9 -27-

H .B . : Ten fifty if you teach him how to use it

: Rochester, stop being on his side . .You lmow. JOIINhR as well as I do that the car is wortba thousand dollars . H .B . ; OH A06S, CONIP1 NOW1

JOHNNY : All right, all right„well, tell the nnn I'm not selling it anyway, and come down to the studio and pick me up . Goodbye . H .B : G000000000D-BYE,

(SOUND : RECE:IVEYi DOWN)

JOHNNY : I don't know, you try to nnt on a pro gram and everybody interrupts you . . Play, Phil .

JFlCK : LEMONADE, GFT YOUR IL7v:9NAnE IN THE IABBY . MARY : Jack! JACK: Oh, 7:'m sorry . (APPIAD3E & PIAYOFF)

K"A

f3Th01 0313 5 50 JACK; ladi .es an, entlemen, every year theu s of Americans lose their lives In ~'S~,s ., and t ragic fhct is that most

of these fires coul'flM r,ha- en prevented . Do four part to

help prevent fire e sure a, matches and cigarettes arc

out before I di.scard them . Seware . take care ; Obey all re -gulations to mskeyour home, your coomi , your ].ife afe from fire . Thank vnu .

'IAUSEI)

DON : Jaok wil ; b: back in just a moment, but fl.rst, . . .

HTh01 0313551 THN: JACK BFdvTrY PROG;2AM SUNOAY, 4?Y1L 23, 1)~0 CLOSIPlG CO1M1E8C ;AL

SHARBUTT : In a cigarette -- mildness means enjoyment . And

scientific tests prove --

P[IESTAND : Lucky Strike is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettes .

SHA:RPMfT : These scientific tests are confi.rmed by independent consulting laboratories, and they prove . . .

VO1C& : Lucky Strike mildest of six major brands tested .

HSESTANO : And no wonder : it takes fine tobacco to make a fine cigaretto - and . . .

SHAHHC7"S : LS - MFT LS-WS'l

HIrSTA'AD : Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . fine, light, naturally mild touacco .

SHeJtBOT'1' : So for a milder-tasting cigarette wi .th never a rough puff,

smoke a Lucky . You'll enjoy the smooth, rich taste of

Luckies' fine tobacco . You'll prove to yourself what

sci.entific tests prove . . . Lucky Strike is milder than ary other principal brand of ci.garettes : Make your next carton Lucky Strike!

RTX01 03135 52 (TAG)

GiiM~~1^2nai5~'a'tRlak~y~a'g1t~3L'st~3~rrgrwP+ . ~,.

co..~ . ru~L~.^.wxe.SUdwSBka,?..]~or+a- se#3

~-.4~G'Yi9+Ot1Y.:.031d~»bklS~aicbOWti,~.o-:

+AITti~llaaLekwaY~l11&tnaA-.a10~ii~1~'Byas1~Y+.31~,

JACKt . _ "" - prX et o, ~ } . .

(APYIAUSEI & MUSIC )

DON : Be sure . .~_r Dennis I~y in "A Day In T'he Life of Dermis . . . . - Iiay" S -.y tuned for the Amos & Andy Show which foll.ows imed]ately . . . .

THIS IS CF3 . . . . THE COLU0.NlIA BROATAAST] :NG SYSTEM .

: N

f?1-}!01 0313553 PRCO[{[uf N3 4 RRVISFI ) SCRIPT ni A lpry.~i~{`r~^,Yq Y f'Y' yi a A_N_~'RICAN TORACCO COMPANY UJCIQ STRIfQS

THN_ JACK BFIVRY FROGRAM

SUIJDAY~A_PPI_L_'1w4 ._OOi4.:}O,PM CCYP

Ia

iliX01 0313654. THB JACK Br^•[4NY PROGRAM SUNDAY, APRII. '0, 1950 OPFNING__CHCdFFtC IAL

SHARBIAPT : TiCr'. JACK BENNY PHOGRAM . . . presented by LUCKY STHIKR :

Hlccs : (CinT -- 6o to 62 -- SoLn AmwaCAIV)

fIIF;STAM) : Scientific tests prove Lucky Strike is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettes :

SHARAUTT : Yes, Lucky Strike is milder . . . ar,d science provides the proif:

HIFSTAND : Test after test produced conclusive eUidence of

Lucky Strike's greater mildness . But that's not all . These scientific tests arc confirmed by independent

consulting laboratories and they prove . . .

SHAABITPT : iucky Strike mildest of six major brands tested .

HIE.S'1'AND : There's no doubt, when you light up a Lucky, you get

a smoother-smoki.ng, milder-tasting cigarette . And . . . you enjoy the rich taste of fine tobacco because . . .

SfNRHU71` : LS - Mt~P L9 - MrT

H1F,STAriD : Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . fine, light, naturaLly mild tobacco that Gives you more real deep- down smoking enjoyment .

SHARBUPT : So for the rich taste of fine tobacco . . . for smoothness and mildness . . . light up a Lucky . Yes, prove to yourself what scientific tests prove -- Lucky Strike

is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettes . Make your n9xt carton Lucky Strike! IR

R 1 h o 7 0319555 -1-

(F?RST ROUTINE)

(ArTiit COCMRCIAL, MUSIC UP AlII7 DOWN)

DON : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BFdVNY, .WPl'H MARY

LIVINGSTONE, PHIL HARRIS, ROCHPSTFR, DB]PIIVIS DAY, AND °YOURS°

TRULY" DON WILSON .

(APPIAUSF.. .FNSIC UP AND DOWN) MLt DON : IJtDIF.S AND GENl'LAMEN . .IN A COUPLF. OF WF}MS,JACK BPLVNY WILL

BE TRAVELLING THROUGHOUI' THE COUNPRY ON A PP37SONAL APPEARANCE

TOUR, SO NATURALLY, HE FEF.'IS THAT HF. SHOULD BRUSH UP ON HIS

VIOLIN . AT THE 610KF?IP, JACK IS HOME WAITING FOR HIS VIOLIN

TN:ACHP'A TO ARRIVk

: FOOTSTEPS. (SCUND PACING UP AND DOWN)

JACK : I can't uerlerstand it .,,Professor LeBlanc was supposed to

be here an hour ago .

ROCH : BOSS, S1T DOWN AM1 Rfi[JtX . HB'IL BE HPRI. PRETTY SOON .

JACK : iie&&, why can't he come on time, . This i.s important,

Rochester . . . I'll soon be out on a personal appearance tour

and I haven't played my violin in front of an audience since

T was at the Palladium in London . . . I wanna get my fingers

back in shape

: WHY, WHAT DID THFY. RCCH DO TO 'F.P7: ~ .e;..,,. . JACK : They didn't do anything to 'em . 6 You may not know it, but

men l±ke Hoifitz and Isaac Stern put so much Smportance on

the dexterity of their fingers that they massage them with V~y"v creams and lotionsAbecsuse their livelihood depends on the nimbleness of their fingers .

IR

M }409 0313S5 6 -p-

P.OCH : I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, BOSS, MY COUSIN GOF>S THfROUGH TH E

SAME THING,

JACK : Oh, is your cousin a musician?

ROCH: NO, HE'S A MII&a AT ApJFiFi .

JACK : A milker(

ROCH : THNRE'5 NEVFY, A ROUGH PULS. IN MY COUSIN . JACK : Rochestere I hired you as a butler . If I wanted to be entertained, I'd have gotten Georgie Jessel . . .Anyciay, I can't understand vhy-- (SOUND : DOOR E1UZ'GHkt)

JACK: Oh, that must be the professor now . (SOUNI) : FNW FOOPST&PS . . DOOR OPE'NS)

JACK : WelL .Professor L eBlanc . .I'vo been waiting for you .

MB7' : Hello, Monsieur flenny . I'm sorry that I am late .

JACK : That's a]]l right . Have you had lunch? M.E9, : I never eat before I give you a] .esson . JACK : Oh ohn.Stvill we go in the don?

MF7, : Oui

. (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS)

iAG3~w.....8g...the•ewa3s~,e:F+ps+f,~seau'r~*haw...3n..,youc..id,Gd?..., r..M~1+1:..~j.Le».....tllfik, .3h+s mnnntng,.,L.LGO~G•h6T.,{..O_,L)]H_.tt'1t .1A. ...,.Shfl..i3, jcalniain,g the- ..cireUS . . (SOIINi1 :_..F^^"S'.5~~: m11P,)

~..pS7ii,:..F.~.+,:•E+ai.~u•fi.izs.~4e=gayng-:tad.ench.,e.n:.elephani._hav~Lo_khr.ead-

~..a, new.i].e..u ith..ita.xr_utllC .

7x

R15{01 0313557 JACK : By the way, professor, I had new hair put on my vi.olin bow . i7KI. : Is it good hair? i JACK : Oh, yes/i The man at the music store said it won the Kentuclry Derby twice. (LAUGHS)

MF.L : Please . .I am a violin teacher, not a straight mRn . Let us

commence with the leseon . JACKa Yes etn: Rochester, hand me my

ROCH : IIF%tE YOU ARPJ, BCSS . . NOW GIVE ME A RUPIIJING START .

(SOUND : RUNNING FOOTgTEPS . .DOOR SlAMS) A ;Gn - - ..o%.,t 9- - JACK : (JACK TUNFS UP VIOLINJ +Shall I start with the Minuet, Professor?

Mi7. • Out . ~. <. '(JACK(JACK: PIAY.S "MSNUN:P")~

PSFL : :VO no no, Monsieur Benny,Vve~told you so many times . It isn't Da Da Da, Du Da Da . . . .you must slide . . .slide . . . Da um'Rh da, un2h da .

JACK: Oh . Ul,

%~7'r7, : Perhaps It would be better if first you did some exercises .

1=H

Rlk{07 0313550 -4- JACK : Very well .

JACK : (YIAYS ONE STRAIN OF EXFRCISEB)

MH:L : (SINGS WpI'H One and two and three and four aud„a~IIG .&sad.,Swa .srcL.tlau,Y.~.:m

JACK : (CON'PINUES ONN: MORF% STRAIN)

,5J,: (SL`7C5) Bond your wrist and slide your finger Pull the switch, don't let me linger .

JACK : (CONPINUE,S ONF HC6RCISF)

MN'L : That is enough, Monsieur Benny, that is enough . You may

try the minuet again .- and don't forgot to slide .

JACK : Oh yes~R4 (PLAYS °MTNUEP" TO SIdDFl . .TINifY TFC}9 SNxOND F'AST SLIDB)

JACK : Oopsf the bow flew out of my hand . Now where did it go? FiFa. : It is stuck in the ceiling . JAC.U Oh yes . MFL : I'll get it . JACK : But fTofessor, you're too short, you can't reach it .

I}t

fai-X07 0313>">9 -5- ME6 : : I was thinking of standing on your violin . JACK : Never mind, I'll get it myself . . . (SOUND : DOOR BUZZFR) JACIC : ROCHPSTER, ANSWER TiIS DOOR : ROCH : YNS, BOSS .

(SOUND : FFW FOOTSTEPS) ROCH : (,MIMICS JACK MIlVUEP) DA DA DEF9IF DE DA DA, DEEI)Id3 DE DA

DA, DEFDLE DE DA DA, DEF;()LE DE DA OOMPH DA, OOMPH_ DA . . . EVEN I SOUND SMOCfiHFR THAN HE DOES . (SOUND : DOOR BUZZFR) HOCH : COMING . . (SOUND : THRF.E FOdfSTEPS . .D00R OPI-NS) MARY : Hello, Rochester .

RUCH : OH, HETSlJ, MISS LIVINGSTONE, COMT) ON IN . MR . BFrYNY IS IN THE DFN . (SOUND : DOOR CIqSES) . MPRY : IS HE RN'ADING?

ME1. : (OFF) SACRE BLUR7 AU SECOURS : JE SUIS AUX ABOISI

A IA LAN'PFgNE1

MARY : Oh, he's taking a violin lesson . ROCH : YEAH, AN!) YOU CUGHPA HEAR HIM PIAY . . IT SOUNDS LIKE HF^S PLUCKING A LIVE CHICKEN .

LR

RIX01 0313560 -6-

MARY : (LAUGHING) Well, I came over to show Mr . Benny this new copy

of Look Magazine . His picture is on the cover . . and so is yours, Rochester

: MINE? . ROCH

MARY : Yes . I just ~goryt-1it++{atathe corner news stand „ see .

ROCK : WFLT, . bfdhfg' * z~ . VWTO~

MARY: You sure look sporty there, Rochester . Is that a cane

yov'ro holding?

ROCH: NO, THAT'S TY,Is' HANLI?,i? OF A BROOM .

MARY : What?

ROCH; AS SOON AS THE PICI'UR$ WAS TAKE:N I HAD TO GBT RIGHT BACK TO

4VORK ...... THAT'S AL.L I]X7 AROUNI) HERn' . . SCRUB TH[t

FLOOR, DJ THE LAUNDRY, WASH Th'I's bISHF.S, MAKN: T HE BF,Ia3,

MARY : Well, Rochester, ] : know you work hard, but who else could Mr . Benny get to do it? ROCPL• GSORGIS JBSSP:L .

MJJtY: (LAUGHINGLY) Well, I know Mr . flenny would like to see the magaz :.ne . I'm gonna take it in to him . (SOUNll: FrW F'OOI'SfEPS . . . IYJOR OPENS) (PLAYS "MINUFL")

Jack

-- (CONPINUFJS PLAYING)

MO

/al}101 0313561 -7-

MARY : I knoN, Jack, but I thought you might like to see this .

JACK: Well . . 4I'm on the cover on Look Magazi.ne .

MARY: I think it's an awfully good picture . Don't you, professor?

MFJ , ; (DISGUSI'ED) &umrmn U=M== . usrn _ _ _ Lt~Y2i

MN1,; On paper he looks so harmless . JACK: That's because of my blue eyes . . but underneathI'm a Mickey Rooney . MARY: And Jack, in the story about you, there's a line that says, "Jack Bonny is the greatest comedian the world has ever knoum" . JACK : It says that about me?

MARY: Yes ...... Jack, are you sure you haven't been down to

the corner news stand? JACK: Why? MARY: That line Is written in pencil .

JACK: How do you like that . . I told Rochester to use ink, . .Now Mary, would you mind waiting in the living room so I can

finish my lesson?

MARY: Okay . (SOUND : IX)OR CLOSES)

RCCH ; HOW DID MR . BF.NNY LIKE THE PICPUR-.? MARY : Fine, Rochester, but he said you should have used ink, ROCH : 0H, YOU POUND OUT . MAfi7: Yes . ROCH: HE:E HEA: HF.E HER

MO

0 iM 0 1 03135f2 - 8 - Ki .JL MARY : n What're you laughing at? _

ROCH : YOU SHOULr NFEMG WHAT I DID TO THE COPIES ON CENTRAL AVENUE . MARY : What?

ROCH : DOMJ THERE HE'S HOLDING THE BROOM . zl,, .✓ MARY : Well, Rochester, I don't thinknyou should've -- (SOUND : D'JOR FflJ2ZER ) MARY : 1'11 get it, koaiwvtcF,

(SOUND: COUPLE FOOTSPEPS ., .D'JOR OPENS ) MARY : Oh, hello, ?hil

: Hi ya, Livvy . . . PHrLwhat are you doing here in Fort Knox ? MARY : (LAUGHS) Nothing in particular, ~bfb. PHIL: Where's Jackson ?

MARY : He's in the den, plucking a chicken .

PHIL: Oh, taking a violin lesson, eh?

MARY: Yeah . y~ (l PHIL: . See you later : No you don't . . MARYCome on in .

(SOUND TAOR CLOSES )

MO

RTY{01 09195G3 - 9- _~f,~, ?JdRY: Sey-i zioticed that new Cadillac sedan you drove up in . . . . it's a beauty, PHIL : Yeah . .,it's Alice's . . MARY : Oh, then the maroon convertible is yours : No, that's Alice's, too . . PHIL

;+L1ftY : Oh, . .then that little pnnglish car with the right hand drive

*a--m

F7I?L : Alice's :

MARY : Oh for heaven's sal :es . ., . . ~*Wt3y4X,p, h,}»-+ecmva~*tlbdx+y.+sad•,3 .~elieuaE,, what have you got? +~rv- Alice aSdaku~,4-,$#.n3<~..beciaw~;r;Now I better go in the other

r oom and see the old enn . (SOUTJU : FB7i FOOTST'rIPS . .D00R OPRNS)

JACK : (PIAYS F12S'!' STiPAIN OF °MINUE:P")

(SOUND : DOOR CIQShZ BAST . .,(JACiGS STOPS PIAYING) . . . 3LIGRI' PAUSE .,THbLY bJOR OPBNS,)

JACK : (PId1Y3 SriCONU STiiAIlV OS' 'iNIMTLT'')

(30UNll : DOOR CLCS?!S FAST ., .(JACKS STOPS PIAYING)

T+IARY : Phil, why don't you walk right in?

?HIL : It's like going into a cold pool, you can't take it al7l at once ...... dJe].1, here goes, .x ,-

) : tqOR OPENS) . (SCUN

(?T}(O9 0313564 JACK : Professor, do you think-t€----Oh, hello, Phil . PHIL : Hi ya, Cover Boy .

MN:L : Hon ,;our, Monsieur Harris, PHIL : Ah, professor Leftlane . . . . Bon Vie Aver tous por regpharmasee . JACK : 4Jnat does that mean?

P51 : Good Health to oll from Rexall .

JACK : Hrrummr. ., .Phil, I didn't know you could speak P'rench .

PHIL : Sure, Jackson, I know two sentences . . . . . That's one of them, and the other oneegets/my face slapped, JACK : Look, Phil, 1'm taking a violin lesson . .,what did you want to see me about?

PtIIL : ~ I wants ta]k about this personal appearance tour we're gonna

make . Ctow^I thought that in arranging the show,-P#open up

with twenty or thirty choruses of "That's What I Like About

The South', . .and then you$gm~

JAC3 : Hoid it, Phi.l., hold it . . .Tkwt's one song you're not gonna sing on the tour, PHII, : Now wa1.t a mLuuto, Clyde, you're prejudiced agelnst the son,,,,s let's ask someone who's im_uerial .

JACK : That's impsrtiol :

PHIL : I don'tcare what it ie . . . . Hey, Professor LoSlenc, .what do you `,hink of "1'luit's W7at I Like About the South?`'

MES , : Eterera•43i®a, mon d'un cochon .il est le tres trop de tout

1a :uonde,

KN

R7 HC)1 031356 5 PHIi, : (SMILING) Hey, ain't that a coincidence, that's the line

that always gets u1y face slapped :

JACK : That's what I thought . . . . Now Phil, you better start rehearsing your muslcians . You lmow, we play our first show

in Pasadena on May Tenth,, .and then we open in 'Nichita,

Kansas, Nlq y 16th . PHIL; Kansas? That's a dry state, ain't it?

JACK;hey Not any more . P}IIL : -,'/Good, I've got two trunks I thought I'd have to leave at the border .

JACK : Phi1 . .Phil1 . . .B, A, R, R . .M, 0, P, P . .Bar Mop : . . . . . We're opening in Y7ichita on the sixteenth regardless of---

PHIL : Okay, okay, Jackson, see you later .

(SOUMD : DOOR SIAMS)

MH:L : Monsieur Benny, please ., .I haven't got all day . . .Let us

finish the lesson .

JACK : Okay, Ysd'asser . (PIAYS ONE STRAIN OP "MINUAT") ,

JACK : ?4 -Tel]. :es , Professor, do you really think you can nwke a great violinist out of ine? .

NTS. : Well, I think I can do something, but it wi.ll take time .,How old are you?

MN

nTHO1 0393`_'i66 -12-

JACK : 'Nny? b'I;L : How, much time have we got left? JACK: Oh . .Well look, Professor, if you don't feel that you're capebl.e of teaching me the violin, why do you keep taking

money front me?

N E L: I feel that that, In itself, is an aooompl.ishment . JACK : (PIAl'S "MINUST'')

BA OBY : (PiAYS PIANO INTRODUCTION `PO Dff$MIS'S SONG) . JACK: ~ now who's that in there playing the piano?

(SOUND : F'OOTSTRPS . . .D00R OPE,'NS) E<,~ JACK: Uelutis,^taking a violin lesson . . .Got away from that p7ano, DBNNIS : But, tdr, Benny, I wanted to rehearse the song I'm gonna do on the program . That's why I've got the Sportsmen Quartet with me . QUART : HI,R,MA:M9v4J . ..~i~ JACK: (PMFlU) Hello, he].lol : . .Denni .s, can't I hear the song Iater? DFNNIS : No, the boys have to leave .

JACK : A1]. right, go ahead, ] :'11 listen to it now . (AYYLAUSE)

(DFdVNIS'S SCNG . . ."'PIFI HORSF; TOLD bQ9")

(APPLAUSE)

i3THU7 0313 5 E 7 -13-

(SFCOND ROIPi'INF.)

JACK : Uennis,Ethatnew song is swell , and it'll be fine on the program . Now Professor, let's get on with the ---

DENT7IS : I'm going home now and catch up on some slecp, JACK : What?

DENNIS : On account of Deylight Saving Tinie, I had to get up at one

o'clock in the morning and drive my mother downtown .

JACK : Why? - . UP7VNIS : She hed to chegge the big clock on Esstorn Columbia, Broadway at Plinth, JACK : (3TART5 TO PLAY °MIMJT°)

DF'PiYi IS : kersoiuill I'm all confused by this Daylight Saving Ti~nc, vY'z 'r._,....,, . ,.- .1<-. . . .~....F ~yr-/, .< .:~,~~a.r .t...... v JACK : ~ Dennis, don't worry about it, lor's of pe%ple here in i,oc i Angeles are confused . But you know why vie turn our clocks ahead, don't you?

DENNI9 : Yes, it'll give us an extra hour of smog . .

JACK : (STARTS TO PLAY "MINL E91" )

DLTdNIS :=1,(Mr . Benny, before I leave, would you like to buy a Life

Insurance Policy? JACIL : y 4Yhat? u f DENNIS : ., Before I leave, would you like to buy a Life Insurance Policy?

NTH0 1 P313`~;68 JACK : A lite insurance policy? iol DE'NNIS/, Somebody sold it to me and I don't want it .

JACK : ot, ^~~vsns_sLook k .td ,~ I don't know what kind of a policy

you've got, but why don't you want it?

DhNNIS :a It doesn't pay off ti11 . Pm an old men .

JACK : Well, why do you want to sell it to ms? ze _ . llF2 ,NIS : ,'Olou can collect on it now,

JACK : (PLAYS ''MINUh"1V' )

D1~1NeTEa+e.Beey,ASn-vx.~aaatty,~«wsK®eu..w&ka+e„£antue~e .

JA®K°, ^ -,A4hat9 s.,~'~'`Ll!~.,i~e~:aS.aS3:k~+.lai?YJ. +ean keeP~ew3.3.&.cY,LGg•

JACK : Denni.s, gp honre, Li ill you7 nramlS : okay, (SOa ND : Doox c1oSFa)

M]CL: Monsieur Bemiy, please .,let us call the lesson fini . M JACK : Oh no no, Yrofessor . . .I want to be pertect when I start

my personel appearance tour .

Nl4L : This tour you are nnking . . .how nvary places willl you appear ?n?

JACK : . J~„Twenty-one different cities

: Oh,,, .then that should take . WaLup your entire sunnner .

JACK : No no, Professor, I 'm going to appear only one night in

each city .

P/ilSL, ; That I can understend, .,,,, .Now come on practice, practice .

KM

F?THOI q373569 -25-

,;ACK : 01®y~} ymYMaybe I bettertheme tr song,

(PL4YS UJVE IN BIAJCPI . . .HITS CLINKER) Oh darn it : (15TtY SYMPATHfSPIC). NQsL Monsieur Benny, put down the viol .in for one minute . I want to talk to you, JACK : Huh? NSJ: Sit down, please . JACK : Yes sir, . .VJhat is i, Professor?

ME1.: Maybe if I explain this in a way that you ere famtliar with, you will understand . - JACK : " A17 .hight, Professor . . .go ahead . 4II~L ; Now look . . . .Have you got a Lucky Strike cigarette? JACK: Yes yes . .lwra~yovar,c

:NOw Put it in your aputh. Mb7L and I will light it for you,

(SOUru : SCRATCH oF' MATCH) JACK : Thank you,

MFttn Now let me explain . .,People should get the same pleasure from

a violin as you are getting from that Lucky Strike . JACK : Yes yes . t&L : If your bow anm is free and easy on the draw, your tones will be round and firm .,,And if your tones are round and firm, the theatres will be fully packed . JACK : F',ey,1that's right .

1&:L : And another thing, Monsieur Benny,,,when you piay the violin, think of a Lucky Strike . .smooth and nSld . JACK : Uh huh .

X n

R1H01 031357Q -16-

MFL : And remember...... in a Lucky there is nover a rou gh puff, JACK : o TFwt'sv~. right,.r.~,,a thoro..~.~ isn't-- .

MFS, : So in your :violin, there should never be a stinker clinker .

JACK : ^I'll remember that, Professor . .

ME1L: Thank you . Now continue, please . JACK : ,fYes, professor . ( PIAYS FIRST STRAIN OF "IpVL7 IN BIAOM" )

(SOM : UOOR BUZZfft)

JACK : Oh, it's Si3e door again . . . . ROCHLSTPR . . .R00HF51'FR . . . . . OH MAHYt

MARY : I'LL GST IT, JACK .

(SOUID : COUPhF: OF FOOTSTRP'S .,DOOR OPP.TIS)

ARTIE : Hello, Miss Livingstone . h1ARY : Why, Mr . Kitzel . : (APPIAUSE) j«a ARTIE : ^Miss iSvingstone, is M.r . Bonny home?

NIARY: Yes, he's In his don taking a violin lesson . ART71. : Ah+~ .bless A#m . . . . a rton who wants to improve himself musically has a wonderful ambition . . .For instance, you take my nephew Patrick . .,Now Patrick-- MARY : You have a nephew named Paty'oGk?

ARTIL : +~i9R+ymvfeGy+>~leie+4 ~ ~•ews~fY• e-eaup.Lr•y.r .`~~G: l a_.. . MARY : (IAUGffi[JG) Oh( .,and your nephew is a rmisician?

KM

A1X01 0 3 '1 3577 fStTIP; Rco hoc hoc hoo . . . . . Petsy Boy i : a one nan barri .

MARY : No .

AR:'TF. : Yos . . .the best one man band in the country . . .'"J 1 th his mouth, he plays the harmonlca ; with his left hand he plays the

xylophone ; with his right hand he plays the piano ; and with

his left foot he plays the drum .

Ai2TIF. : Turns the rtoisic, he has long toes .

WR Y : ~q ,Mr . Ki.tzel, you're joking . ARTIE : (IAUGHS) My ...... But seriously speaking Miss Livingstone, Patrick is a great rmisician . . .In fact, he wrote that new song which is today on the Hit Parade .

WRY : 'frhst song is that?

ARTiF : If I Knew You ',Vere Coming I'd Have Pickled A Herring ."

WRY : No no, Mr . Kitze] . . . .the title is "if I Know You F/ere Coming

I'd Have Baked A Cake . " AFTiFi : This 7.s a different song entirely . . .4Vel1 ]ook, b1ies Li.vingstone, since Mr . Benny is taking a violin lesson, I don't want to bother him . . . . because when Mr . Benny plays the violin, it is so beautiful I get goose pivmples . MAaY : I break out in a rash . ARTIR : Oh, Miss idv9ngstone, you're joking .

KM

AI}S 0 1 0313 5 T2 -18-

MJ\RY : (LAUGILti A LA KITZF:L) Hoo hoo hoo hoo, My . '. .~ . ARTIB : i3s2•r, I've got to be .gsTSµx- 9 Fleas'e tell Mr, Heifitz I ,[6c ¢ ..~~~...... ~ .l.Y .T~p.a.d.- . was here, and give- ., .Goodtiye,

MARY : Goodbye, }/ r . Kitzel, (SOU'.;il : IqOR CI9SPS) (APPIAU;11) ty<. ~,~ , JACK : , MARY, WHO 4IAO THAT?

MARY : (OFF) Mt . KITZB,L, BUT HE IdT : Oh . T, JACK MI^, : Monsieur Benr~y, Pleaso .

JACK : y/,Now Professor, 1'm sure that I've got my v7 .olin soLo domn

pat for my stage show, but what do you think I should

play for an encore?

MS9L : Monsieur Benny . . .1 would not worry about an encore .

JACK : Huh? IVI"I< Just take your money and go . JACK : Hmnnen . . . .

ME;L : Plow l et us go back to the exercises .

JACK : Okay .

(FLAYS OPP. STRAIN OF 'r.Y.PRCISFS)

MARY : Oil JACK . . . JACK . JACK : Oh, for heaven sakes, what now?

MARY : Well Jack, that fellow who stoppe6 you on the street a few

weeks ago is at the back door .

AT3S09 0373573 _ 1 9_

rfeY, JACK : ~~ Stopped me on the alreet? Oh yos,,the fellow that asked me for a dime and I gave him fifty cents .

(SOUND : DISHES CRASH)

JACK : Hnnmm . . . . . There go those dishes again . . .49cll Mary, tell him

I'ni . . . . Oh . .I'll go talk to him, . .Fxcuse me, Professor .

(SOUND : FOOTSTRPS)

JACK : (SINGS) There's no business like show business Like no Y~eia~s..~exa ~a #a1nt. Da..da..de.da+deadewol 3ia-de ..~awdsdn,+88•~esM•.da„da~'9f)6'~'PbPS STOP) Iffi

(SOUND : SCRF:FJV DOOR OPENS)

JACK : JJ, Hel].o, there . .Mr ...... Mr . . ., FRANKIN; : Si7_voney . John L, C . Sil.voney . (APPIAUSF.)

JACK: Oh yes .~n 1 keep forgetting your name . Vihet do you want .

F42ATM]:A : Well, I haven't eaten all day end I thought n a ybe you'd

give me a meal . JACK: VJe]1, I'm sorry, Mr . Silvoney, but I don't think we've got any food in the house, ..e.-':

FRANRIR : That's funny, as I can ;e up the walk I heard someone plucking a chicken .

JACiC : Now wait a mi .nute . .,7 don't mind helping a fellow out . .but

why don't you try earning some money? Have you ever thought

about getting a job? '

K n

RT}{o7 0373`,?4 -20-

F,U+MCiE : Oh stmc, Only this morningwhile .T was shoving, the

mirror seid, "Hey you" .,I 4said "'Lho" .,the mirror said "You" . .

I said "Me?'' . .the mtrror said "Yah : . . . . 17hy don't you go out

and get a job, you lazy no good loafer ." Now to ue those

are fighti .ng words . .but I wasn't fool enough to start anything

The guy in the ndrror had a razor in his hand . ( IA8@HY) SA9lFr~^+~•Hq~p+iMri:06.3»of~y+ob3tew9sidtBW.*4~iNk ..

~d.ew,yteli~..: Eq1ANK(Iss~~4H.~ ; JACK : FRANKIE : JACK : Mr . Silvoney do you mean to sny that you've never done any work?

FRANbIPI : Oh, once 1 had a job . I was an usher at the Burbank Theatre

for two years .

JACK : Well, why did you quit? FRANKIPI : I didn't qui.t . My flashlight burned out and I got lost . JACK : Oh . FRANiC]:E: : But I'm glad I'm not there any more . Every time the girls came on, it made me so nerrrrrrrrvous : JACK : Well, Mr . Silvoney, here's some change, go got yourself something to eat . F'HANKIE : Gee . . .thanks, Mr . Bermy, no wonder your picture is on the cover of lqok Magazi.ne .

KV1

rarxo 1 os 13 sr 5 -21-

JACY. : .-1~ Ort, you saw it, too? .

FRAIJLiIH:: Yeah,, . .yad=~ I was hanging aro:md the corner

drugstore . I was just hanging around . . I wasn't doing

anythLig . . 3cuatt just hanging around . . . I didn't feel like

doing anything . . I was just hanging around . . ., A11 of a

sudden I look at the magazine counter . .and I said . .Holy Smoke :

. . . . .i.ook at that picture . . I lmow that guy! . . That's Jack

Renny, he gave me fifty oents .,The druggist said, "What?" 7~

I said, "That's Jack Renny, he gave me fifty centsi . .and thet's when it happened . .

JACK : .< Nhot iiappened? r

'rRaNKIP;: A11 thobettles /4% wge3 off the shelf . .(IItUG:I) .

JACK : Nir . Silvoney, I'm taking a violin lesson, so go get

yourself something to eat,

FRANYJE ; Okay . .goodbye, Pal . (APPIAUSF.)

(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS)

JACK : Cee, but he's a strange guy .

MESr. Monsieur 3enny, please, I haven't got all day . JACK : Oh yes . . (PIAYS i:VO STRAI[dS OF FxH}2CISP5) (APPLqUSE AND PiAYOFF)

ATYSO1 03135?El JACK : I_adi.es snd gentlemen, one of our great national hazards is fire . F,och year more than ten thousan'1 people lose their lives in fires . And in nine oases out of ten, these fires wore caused by carelessness . Be sure it doesn't happen to you! Put that match or cigarette out before you discard it ;

Take every precaution you can to prevent fires : Thank you . (APPIAUSE)

DON : Jack will be back in just a moment, but first -

KM

f3Th01 0313577 TkS'. JACK BNINY PRCQSAI4 SUrmAY, AFrt z• go, 195 0 c;,oSirro cot WH oIAL

HIbSTAND : In a cigarette . . . mildness means enjcyment . And scientific tests prove --

SHARAVI'T : Lucky Strike is milder than any other principal .brand of cigarettes .

HIBSTAND : These scientific tests are confirmed by independent consulting laborator:es, and they prove . . .

SHARHiY1T : lucky Strike mildest of six major brands tested .

HIPSTAI7U : And no wondert It takes fine tobacco to make a fine cigarette -- and . . .

SHARBU_'I' : IS - P+IT IS - P?rT

HTFSTAM: : Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . fine, light, naturally mild tobacco .

SHARgpPT : So for a milder-tasting cigaretto with never a rough

puff, smoke a Lucky . You'll enjoy the smooth, rich

taste of Luckiest fine tobacco . You'll prove to

yourself what scientific tests prove . . . Lucky Stritce

is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettes!

IIIFSTAND : Yes, the next time you buy cigarettes, ask for a

carton of iucky Strike -- so round, so firm, so fully

packed, so free and easy on the draw!

LIt

f?Th 0 1 0 81351E -23-

(TAG)

JACK: Ledizs and gentlemen, I vaant to thank r^rankie Fontaine

who played the part of Mr . Silvanoy . . .and we'll be with you again next Sunday night at tho same time . . . Meanwhile -- (SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK : COME IN

(SOU[Nil : DOOR OPE,NS)

GEORGF : Mr . Benny? JAOK

: Yes? GEORGF : Do you start your personal appearance tour in Pasadena?

JACK : Yes, that's right, Pasadena . GFORG51 : What night?

JACK : Wednesday night, May 10th . GEORGE' : Where's it going to be hold?

JACK : In the Pasadena Civic Auditori.um

Thank you . . GPIORGNL• JACK: By the way, who are you? GEORG6

: I'm the follow you hired to ask you these questions .

JACK: Oh yes yes . . . . . Goodnight, folks .

(APPLAUSE AN ) MUSIC)

Fsq°e+"-'53aeh'y Coen"r~rera-4dvsr.=Geeavt~ausAS~d..pec~al9...l.oao..,,d11E1,T., d4.w~ .+ro~fia+eavwv~vd^7 .~dn»a4~ .~easawneat~a€>a§eb~«ttaci&evfi',S.a>ar:.

wcrv*c^ttasCt .f~+~'°C3Ytl3'~~rv8ffi~:"v6"ffFS'~sp~a*hs~pg~~

.agse~k~Artk~is„r/~tFdtl'R3Yf"LT~'~$Ct~"'"'.,RC"`Gt3 ~"fi~~`dY'ffiL"4'Y~d"3'er

Ta3sfnisuanS"d%s~e.oau.tamrF:~r,u.. nea;B,a,vPrsuent. fi'dnasins+.~raer>~yau:

(APPLAUSE AND MUSIC)

DON : Be sure to hear Dennis Day In "A Day In The Life Of Dennis

Day" . . .Stay tuned for the Amos 'N' Andy Show which follows immediately . M Tk1IS 1S CBS . . . . . THM COLUMHTA BROADCASTINS SYSTEM .

qi X 01 03135>4 OL75t66U tOX1H PItCGaAM #35 REVISES> SCRIPT

AMEgICAN TOBACCO COMPANY

LUCKY STRIK2;

THli JACK BENNY PRCG}tAM

SL`NUAYz_MAY f,_ .195-0 - _ CEiS 4 :00 -'v ;30 PM CI,'

1-1 rxo l ns 1 ,>h t THE; JACK HFNNy PRCGRIlM `.UNJ.4Y PMY 7, 1950 OfT1HIW0 COMMYI2CIAL

SHARHUH'T : TI[ts JACK BNLNNY YdOCRAM . . . . . presented by LUCKY S'1RIKN:!

RIGGS : (CHANT -- 60 to 62 -- SOIS) AMICAN)

SHARBUTT : Luckies are milder!

}IIESTANll : And science provides the proof!

SHARHUtT : Yes, scientific tests prove -- Lucky Strike is ud]der

than any other principal brand of cigarettes .

HIB;STANU : Test after test produced cone].usive evidence of Lucky

Strike's greater mildness . But that's not all . These

scientific tests are confirmod by independent consulting

lsboratories and they prove . . .

SHARIIUTT : Lucky Strike niildest of six msjor brands tested . tII1~5TAND : There's no doubt,whon you light up a Lucky, you get a

smoother-smoking, milder-tasting cigarette . And . . . . you enjoy the rich teste of fine tobacco because . . .

SHARBUl'T : I$ - NLFT IS - MFT

HIESTAND : Iucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . fine, li gh t,

naturally mild tobacco that give you more reel deep-dovm smoking enjoyment .

I N

i?7}l 0 1 0313 5i62 THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAY, MAY 7, 1950 OPRNING CCND%RCIAL (CONTINUED)

SHAidsUTT : So fer the rich taste of fine tobacco . . .for smoothness

and mildness with never a rough puff . .light up a Lucky]

Yes, prove to yourself what sc7 .entific tests prove . . .

Lucky Strike is ndlder than any other principal brand of

cigarettes . Make your next carton Lucky Strike . . .so round, so firm, so ful]..y packed, so free and easy on the draw .

AL

F?iH01 0313583 . THB JACK BENNY PftOGRAM SUNDAY, MAY 7, 1950 OPk:NTNG C06,T1ENCIAL. (CONSINUFD)

SfLARFSUTT : So for the rich taste of fine tobacco . . . for smoothness

and mildness with never a rough puff . .ligyit up a Lucky!

Yes, prove to yourself what scientific testa prove . . .

Lucky Strike is milder than any other principal brand of

cigarettes . Make your next carton Lucky Strike . . .so

round, so firu, so fu7] .y packed, so free and easy on the draw .

A7.

0 1 XCl1 03 13 5 84 (F'IRST ROUTINE) -1-

(AP'TF'A OOFPIFRCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DORN) DON : THF. IUCYY STRI('.N'. I'ROGW.M, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITH NARY IdVINGSTONFI, PHIL HARRIS, ROCHIsSTF:rc, llP•NNIS DAY, AND "YOURS TFULY" IrJN YJILSON .

(APPLAUSE . . . MUSIC UP AM) DCWN) DON

: I .PS%IF.S AND GENP1E MF,N, IT ISN'T OFT'EN TfJ{T OUR STAR GOES

OUT ON A PF.RSONAL APPEARANCE TOUR . . .BUT HAVING DECIDED TO GO . .

A LOT OF PRF:PARATIONS HAVE TO BE MADIC . AT T'HN IQOMENT, JACK

IS IN COPLFI?kH'NCS WITH STEVE BRADLEY, HIS PUflLICITY MAN .

I:ICK : Yes sir, Benny, this is the greatest idea I ever bad . You

just listen to me and we'I]I pack every'theatre from the sun

kissed shores of Californin to the rock bound coast of Maine .

JACK : But Steve--=

I7CK : What an idoe : . . .Hand me that phone and I'll order the posters

riEht now . W'e'l] bave bill boards all over the country .

JACK : But, Stevep I've;never bnon billed that way before . . ."Jauk

Benny, the platinum ball of fire :" . .7It's x•idicu]ous . . .I'vc r.ever worked with fans or balloons : I'm way aheadyou, Dennyof .~} Instead. DICK of fans or balloons, you'll come out in a blue spot and do your stuff with two

violins .

JACK : What?

DICK : Awd at the end of the dance, the violins open and pigeons

fly out! JACK : Pigeons!

DICK : Certainly . . .We've got to do something to take their attention -.. ~~...... _ W /those skinny legs of yours .

JD

F?iX 01 0313585 JACK : Novi, look, Steve, I'm not gonna go for any of your craz,y___- .

(SOUNll : DOOR BUZZER)

JACK : B ccuso me . There's someone at the door .

(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS)

JACK : (Vfiat a silly idea . Jack Benny, the platinum ball of fire)

(SOUND : DOOR OPENS) D"ARY

: Holl .o, Jack .

JACK : Oh, hello, Mary . Come on In .

(SOUND : DOOR CLOSES) - h".ARY : Where's Rochester?

JACK : That's what I'd like to know . Lcist night he asked me 11' he

could have the evening off, 2 d I haven't seen him since .

MP3tY : well, Jack, maybe he---( EXCITED) St_eve! . . .Steve Bradley!

DICK : Mary! . . .Mary Livingstone . . .long time no see!

JACK : Mary . .6lary . . you know Steve Bradley? MARY: Certainly . He was my publicity man when I worked at the May Conipany : No! . JACK DICK : Yes sir! I gave this little girl one of the most extensive publicity campaigns in my career . . .In two short weeks, I raised her from the bargain basement to the stocking counter on the fifth floor .

J1J

F1iX01 0313>B6 -3-

JACK : Well :

DICK : And this, mind you, during the hoot of a presidential cempaigni

JACK : All right, all right . ., calm down . . .I don't doubt that you're a great publicity man, but you'll have to think

up another stunt for me . .IPm not gonna go for those pigeons, MARY : What's that supposed to be?

JACK : I don't know . Steve's got .some ideas about my personal

~ appearance tour, .eod he wants me to work with pigeons .

MARY:ludlI think that's a great idea . (hP.UG}45) JACK : VJhat're you laughing at?

M.ARY : 1 can Just see the finale . . . A pigeon swoops down, takes off your toupay, and lays an egg in it . JACK : Mary, this is gonna be a high class show . Just wait till

you see it . You know, we open Wednesday night in Pasadena . Ry the way, Steve, how are they doing at the box-office?

DICK : Groat, great . I had fifty thoasan{1 tickets printed _ . up . .end i'm gonna need another fifty thousand .

MARY : Fifty thousand! How do you expect to sell all those tickets? DICK : Easy . On the face of the ticket instead of printing Jack

Benny, I put Rose Bowl Game . JACK: What?

DICK : They're going like hotcakes,

JACK : Steve, we're not gonna do our show at the Rose Bowl . We'11l be at the Pasadena Civic Auditori .um .

JD

HTHC)7 0373587 DICK : Then I better book something into the Rose Bowl, it'll be jemmod .

JACK : Now look Steve, are you working for me or--- (SOUND : PHCI7E HIHGS))

JACK : Mary, would you get that please? N.Pk`l: Okay

. (SOUN ) : RECEIVEH UP) MARY ; Hello . ., .

PHIL : Well, lucky me . Every time 1 got a wrong number, it's a deme .

MAHY : Phil, it's me, Mary . PHIL : Okay, okay, you're not a bad number either . ld~lL . MF~HY : (LAUGHINGLY)4Thanks . .Jack is busy right now, he'1ll calll you back • . leelL, p...f s~ a. PHli . : {dwnnot h~me~ . I'm at the photographers . Steve Bradley

celled me this morning . .told me he had an idea he was gonna

tielk over with Jackson . xtpd in the meantima I should

rush down and have publicity picturos taken . So tell

Jackson to hurry, I can catch cold standing hero like this .

MARY : What?

PHIL: These pigeons ain't keeping me warm . f6< J NARY: (IAUGHINGLY),P 11 tell him . Jack, Phil wants to talk to you. JACK: Alll right• Hand me the phone . ~ ,. -- /.7.15

~~!

l3TX01 03735 13 6 -5- l 61f ^ ~.~tw.smhW kr...exaa+~y cun=t.ea+tc4,r~g.+ab2[ttiRa+,xei~aysPLLl,aaao-ax. . PHlI. : ~,..Etl,cyay, Jackson . .] wanna talk to you about the band arrangement on etv personal. appearance tour . F{~ you got a minute? JACK : Sure,,what is it? PH1L: ~HOVi do you want my orchestra }4QWc to dress? In blue suits or sports clothes? JACK : Neither, Phil, I want them to wear evening clothes .

PHIL: Iaok Jackson, the only evening c l othes they've got are pajamas, .

JACK : What?

PHIL : And they can't wear those, haif the drawstringc are missing .

JACK : Look Ph11, let them wear whatever they want,but have Sammy S .,.G the drummer in a blue suit because he'll be sitting up high .

PFI1L : Okay .

JACK : And Phil, When I'm out on the stage telling jokes, I want your boys to act as though they're enjoying it . It looks

good to the audience .

PHIL : 7,I already took care of it, Jackson . I even thought of the people in the balcony, so I painted a smile on the top of'

Semmy's head .

JACK : Oh, wonderful . PHIL : Another thing, Dad . We're gonna have a little problem with Remlcy . JACK : A problem? - PHIL : Yeah, but everything w111l be all right if we let him sit behind the piano . Jll

RiH 0 1 0313569 -6 & 7-

JACK : But Phil, I want it to look like we've got a big orchestra . Why shouldn't Frankie sit out in the open? PH1L : Because every time a spotlight shines in his face, hee junips up and yells, "I didn't do it . . .I didn't do it!" JACK : Wo! PHIL : The only way we can calm him down is to beat him with a a rubber hose . .

JACK : Phil, I'm busy . . .arrange the orchestra the best way 4hs .t you can . So long, .

PHZL : So long, Clyde .

(SOUND : RBGgIVP:R DCWN)

JACK : That Phil is thecraziest\-\ 4n~ -- DICK : Benny, while you i+w:eon the phone, I got a sensational

idea .

JACK : Huh?

DICK : What-a-pub.llai f 6iby.: the...u3g11t,,,gQy,,,,Qg,n+~ w+nhita uny~~,y,fya the start of Fire Prevention Week . JACK : Yes yes yes? DICK

: So for a publicity stunt, we'11l have you jump from the top of a twelve story building into a net . It's never been

done before . JACK : What do you mean it's never been done before? Many people have done stunts like that . . .jumping off a building into a net .

JD

F1iY{01 0313590 DICK : A hair net?

JACK : What? ~t4/ DICK : Think of the publicity .n The paper will be full of it . . .Not only the story, but the pictures . . .Ahh, I can see the flowers now : fiouw cut that. JACK out! I want my pub] .Scity simple and dignified,

so you 3 mt*ev ---

(SOUND : DOOR BUZZSR)

JACK : Now, who can that be? COME IN.

(SOIDVD : DOOR OPENS) llON : Hello, Jack . .Hello, Mary . . NAR; & JACK : Hello, Don .

DON : Come on in, fell .ows .

(SOUND : DOOR CIASbS)

JACK : Hello, boys .

QUART : HMDnIin;MM .

MARY : Hello boys .

QUART : HF..',T,O, MARY . JACK : They talked! . .Uor„^they talked : . .It's the first time I ever h..., heard them talk . Maryp th6j ta7.ked! . .Hello, fellows . QUART : FPINII•IM .

JACK : It wo.s too good to last . Now Don, I know you brought the

boys over to try out the commercial, but I'm busy right

now . Steve Bradley, my publicity man is laying out my

personal appearance tour . . .You know, I open in Pasadena

Wednesday night . .

DON : 6lednesday night? Oh, darn it . I wish I could go then . IR

Rik09 0 3935 9 1 JACK : Why ANft

DON : I bought two tickets to the Rose Bowl Game .

JACK : -gffiPZ3. Don, you'll still see my show . I'lll explain it to yoq later . . .Now take the boys home, will you? r ki ,~ DON : ~Eut Jack, this willl onl.y takega minute . Now the reason I want you to hear the commercial . is because for the past few we ks they've been singing popular sougs . .and this timehave something classical . .something that even Toscavini would be proud of .

JACK : ~ 41ell. . . .all. right, Don . .Steve, this wil .l only ta lce a minute

and we can talk later . . .Don, what's the title of this thing the boys are gonna do? DON

: (WITH DIGNITY) PONCHIPTdS'S DANCE OF THE HOUH3 FRG[d

IA GIOCONllA .

JACK : 6iell . .this we've got to hear . . .Take it, boys .

QUART : SCIEJVTIFIC TESTS

PKOVF; THEY AR E THE BEST . LUCitIFS, YFS, LUCKIES

ARE SMOCIP7HI2 'i3AN ALL THEI RF'ST .

DSILDE@t BY TEST o ` LF7P'S LIGH'I' A hUCKY o Oi CAUS`r: TH}22R IS NF.VE52 A P'JFF THAT EVF7t IS ROUGH _~p PUFB' ON A llJCid` °"' "~

TAKFI A PUF'F ON A LUCKY / ~

TAKE A PUFF, TAKF. A PUFF ~

CAUSE YOU'LL NN'VFTi EVER FIND A PUFF THAT"S ROUGH

NE,VFet TAKE A PUFF THAT'S ROUGH N}sVEii TAKE A PUFF THAT'S ROUGH LR

fi1H01 037359r -10-

UAR'1 : TP.KE A PUFF CPUSF CoNT'n) : YOU'LL NEVEF GE" FTVJUGH MADE OF LIGHP AND FINE TOBACCO

SMOKE A IUCP.Y ROUNU AND FIRM AM) FULIY PACKFD SO SN.OICF: A LUCIQ . LIGHT UP A LUCKY YOU'LL BE RIGftP WITH A IUCKY DON'T DSEAY, START TODAY

CAUSE WE [W0Y7 YOU'RE GONNA SAY YOU LIKF. 'FT4 .

Yl~:; LUCK7 IS MUCH THE BEST .6`r,:k~~ TAKEI A IACRY~FROM YOUR VFST ,

INtI.'F: A TFST YOU' LL AGREF, THEY PAE THB Bh`ST FOR IUCKY STRI[Qs MFANS FINN. . ^OBACCO i /,

IA IA IA IA L4 IA IA LA IA IA ~~ °'~d ~!`` ~~Y~ SUCH LIGHP P.Nll FINE AND MILI: TOBACCO'/ I?. IA LA IA IA IA IA LA IA IA IS IS MFR

h 1,1 N.FT

LS IS IS Mbi

IS IS NR'P

bT FTFPFPFT FT

HT FT FP 'rT IT IT r

OH L5 MFT IT IT FT (APPIAUSF,')

I32

RiH 0 1 0313593 -10A-

(SECOND ROUi7NN)

JAC:G e T hnt was very good, rbn . .really a great number . ~,....-. DON : / (eulLThanks, Jack . . .We11, we've gotta be running alongP.So long

Mary .

MARY: So long, mn••• Oaadbye, fellows .

QUART : GOODBYE, MARY, JACK: So l.ong, fellows . C;UARI' : }P

JP.CKe Gr"P OUT OF HL2FFI ;

(SOUND ; DOOR SLM45) . 0%1< - JACK: Now whereFoiere we, Steve? Is there any other idea you've

got for INbl .i.city? DICK: Just one .

JACK: what is it? llICK: When we arrive in Nansas City, I want you to walk do :vn tha street playing your violin and lead a thousand cows into the slaughter house .

JACK: Into the slaughter house? How do you Imow they'll follow me?

ll1CK : f3rey+3-Y-bc-t;.lad-#r-go : f><1 .~« --~~ 7! 4°~«.l ~-q~...~~ .

JAC.`.:

MARY : Oh, Jack --

JACK: What?

MARY : Plhen you go out to buy a wardrobe for your stage show, I'd

li.ke to go with you . '

JACK: P7ardrobe? 4111f - MARY : a Certainly . Aren't you gonna buy some new suits? JACK: Vic,ry, I just bought a newsuit . . .In fact, you were with me .

MO

R1X01 0313594 1 MP.RY : Jack, that vies in 1936 : , hav time flies. JACK . I haven't even started to weaa

the second pair of pants . But :naybe you're right, Mary . 2'his suit I'm wouring now is old enough to send to Fred Allen . ... DICIS: Watt a minute, Benny' .,eare you going to send that old sui .t to Fred P1len?

JACK : Yes, Why?

DICK: That' e a ~~ p, reat~reat human interest story,n It71"be the biggcst

thing since that Panhatuller asked you for a dime and you

gave him fifty cents .

(SOUND : DISHN :S CRASH)

JACK: Steve, don't mention that in this house - It's costing r!e a

fortune in dishes . Now look, Steve --

(SOUND: DOOR FlUZZP;R) JACK: <~ W,'J? IN.

(SOII:VD: DOOR OYdNS)

JACIC: Hello Dennis .

DENNIS : Hello, Mr . Henny . .Look out for these firecrackers!

(SOUND: 1dV1'S OF FIRI :CHACKNRS GOING OF'F) JACK : Dennis . .Dennis . .what are you doi.ng? DSiNNIS: I'm celebratin6 the Fourth of July .

JACK : Fourthh of July? But this is only the seventh of May . DFINNIS: It is? G cy~ JACK: nCertainly . /.L=/ ffiNNIS ; ~TNts daylight saving time sure has mo mixed up .

MO

AT 11 01 039 359 5 JACK: Look, kid, don't blame it on daylight sn_ving time . You're alweys mixed up . What did you come over for anyway? ?A;NNIS: ~I ceme over to warn you about e new quiz program . It's a fake . JP.CK: A new q 5.a program? Q~ ~'.' I)BINNIS : nI answered every question right and they didn't even give me a refrigerator, a Bendix or anything . . JACK: 4Phat station i.s it on? IutNNIS : Oh, it isn't on the radio . These people ring your doorbell,

come right into your house, and ask you questions .

JACK: I ennis, that was the census taker . DENNIS: Census taker? JACK: Cortainly• Every ten years the goverrvnent goes all over the country counting noses .

DENNIS : Why don't they just coant people?

JACK : What?

Ie°.NNSS : Suppose sornebody does have two noses, it won't throw them off much . JACK: Look kid, counting noses is just an expression : Oh . . Hello, h:ary . I didn't see you . . IHINNIS 67A;tY : I know, I was hiding . JAOK: I don't blame you . DICK: Neither do 1 . DE'NNIS: Who's he? JACK : This is Steve Bradley, my publicity man .

&10

Hi9; 0 1 0373596 :-13-

DIflVN ISIS : 9h.T.~rt ~You know, my father does that ki .nd of work S'cr Universal Studios .

JAO;C: He does? I didn't know that .

III?NiQ1S : M, sura, Right now he's publicizing a picture called

"Coca Cola for Mr.rk Anthony" . JAO[<: What?

DNINNIS: It's a sequel to "Champagne for Cacsar"

: Oh,4ym , it's a o c1a now . They're working. JOK on a new one "1 -1- 1 u..r - called Nwa, Lenni.s, I've gotta go out and buy some new clothes . . .so let's hear the song you're gonna do on tne program . P3;idE].°: Okay .

(SOUiiD; SCi(F:EN DOOR OPN:NS AND C'_qSES) .

JACK: And when you fini .sh, I want you to -- Wait a minute, kid . . hold 1t, D3?JNIS: I9h,a,t's the matter?

JACK: I just heaxd the back door open and r,lose . I:t mn.st be

Rechester sneakin g in . (SING SONG) 0}:, ROCHN,37'P.H __

SOCHi : (SING SONG) YES, BOSS .

: (SI:JG SONG) IS THAT YOU. JACK SNEIAKING IN TfIN' BACK DOOR? . 300FI: (SING SONG) IT AINLT G30RGIF JF._SSELL : ROC}Q;STI:R, COYff:' IN HksRE,I PiANNA TALK; JACK TO YOU :

ROC}f: YHS, SIR .

JACK: Now, Rochester, last night you asked me if you ooul.d have the eveninF: off, didn't you?

MO

RIHC)1 n393597 ROCfi : 29I HUH . JACK: Thet '.vas last night . Now it's eleven o'clock the next mornine.; . ROC'iL• 121: h"JH .

JA.CIC: Now, whore have you been? ROCH

: CA"dJy BOSS, WF'RF GOING AMAY SOON AND SONE FRIELVDS OF MINE ON CLNTRAL AVENUL GAVEI NIE A FARAWELL PARl'Y .

JACK: Novd vaait a minute, Rochestev, every nigtt this week ynu've

been to a farewell party . .-Hew-xuanp•t~ra .year»~&r+Seixia,gocwa-..

gi ve A~ ?,

ROCH : ?7"S TfIFl : SM~, FAF11:h.WE JUST AUTOURN DURING T}[F DAYCI6RE: .

JACK: What?

ROCIL• VUfrr:N T'Y.M GOLD OF THN DAY NIF1s'TS THF: BLUE OF TFL; N1GHP,

JACK: P/e11 look, Rochester, I haven't got time to talk to you now . 7:'ve gotta lfsten to Lsnnis sing his song . Let's have it Y.id . IDiPL'VIS : Just a minute . . JACK: Iennis, gi .ve me that firecracker!

D:dNNIS : Okay, here you are . ' .

JACK: Now, go ahead with your------

( SOUND: LOUD BANG) JACK:OUCH . . What a silly kid. .go ahead and sing . : ! (APPLAUS~) l~

(D'e',NNIS'S SONG . . "TI{n1Y SAY IT'S VIONDERF'C2l")

( APPLAUSIs' ) MO

HTY< 0 1 0 g 735 9 6 -15-

(THIRD ROUPINF) 1 .Y -- JACr : f'That was very E;ood, Lenni .s . And nan that you've used your beautiful voice to win yourself back into my favor . .would

you do something for me?

DANNIS : Oii, sure, Mr . Benny, what Is it?

JACK: Go home,

D1:NNIS: Yes sir . (SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSPIS)

DICK: We11, I gotta run along, Bonny, and see a man ebout those pigeons .

JACK: Look Steve, you can forgot it . I'm not gon na do a strip±fecti

with a bunch of pigeons . .

DICK: Okay, okay . . . I'1l be at the office if you want me .

(SCUND: DOOR OPENS & CLOSES)

MARY : Jack, if you wnnt me to go downto'an md .th you to pick out a suit, Pie'd better go now .

JACK: Okay, R9ary ...... OH ROC1lr,STRH WHLRY'S THI3 CAR? ROCH: IN TfB GARAGF . JACK: Pdell., con:e on, we ivant you to drive us downta=m, nOC:H: YCS, SIR .

(TRA.VSIi10N MUSIC) - MAhY: Jack, why don't you keep your garage cleener?

JACK : I'll straighten it up some day . . Co m e on, Get in the car .

(SOUND : TINNY CAR DJOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

610

F11H01 0 -3 13 5 99 JACK: Go ahead, start the car,P.bchester . ROCH: YES SIR, BUT F1RST I'VE GOT TO Ocf A LPI'TLF7 WATRR : Oh, is the radi .ator dry? . JACK ROCH: NO, I'iN TAKING AN ASPIRIN, I KNGW WfL1T'S COMING : Never mind that, just start the car . . JACK ROCH: YSS, SIR .

(SOUND: STARTPdt WHINF•S . .MOTOR CATCHNS A BIT, ALTsNPS

INTO MEL 'S PIIDTIRNI ROUPINF ENDING WITH

HICCOUGHS) .

JACK : I qO : ...... (LONG PAUSE) . . . . . It works every t±me . . . ' . . . . Try i.t again, Rochester

: YES, SIR . . ROCH (SOUND: S]'PFCi'ER l"1HINA. . .M01'OR CATCHF,'S A BIT . . BLH'NDS

INTO 151 ROUI'INE . .THr^.N FINALLY CATCHF.'S AND RUNS)

JACK: Thero :ve are .

MARY: Say Jack, there's something wrong here . . why Is the oar

leaning way over to the left?

JACK : I don't know . . .Rochester, why are we leaning over to the left? ROCI:: RPaNEME3/5R LAST VdEC7C WFIEN YOU SFM' THA : CAR TO THh GARAGFI TO 1L4VI: Tx:r,' Wf,T.'6LS ALIGNIST? JACK : Yes? ROCY.: Wffi,L, ONLY THRPI1 CAMFI HOMI . ,..q 8~. lra4. Ci-L~.y. .rfY,~~ ,~~~ u~-L(af ---~n~.__ . JACK: ~isf}}q; How can a car runith a/missing

whecl?

R1h01 03196 0 0 P.OCH: I STRAPPED A ROfI,F,R ',WTE UNDER THli AY.LE .

JAC3: Oh . . well, slow dosvn when you cross car tracks . (TRANSI'PION MUSIC)

JACK: Well, here vie are Mary . There ' s the store across the street . Rochester, there's a parking space . ROCH : PJ}EEtE?

JACK : Between that truck and that Convertible .

ROCH: FiL"1' I CPIi'T GPl IN T 0 THAT SPACE, IT'S TOO SMALL .

JACX: Well, put our bumper up againat the truck a n d push it . ROCH : OH BOSS, CONII3 NOWJ

JACK: Well, Miss Livin[stone and I will get out here and )ou find

a g3rking space .

ROCH : YFIS SIR .

(SOUND: LOUSY CAR SI'OPS WITH TINNY SOUNDS. .

TINNY DOOR OPENS . . FOOI'STRPS)

JACK: Here's the store, Mary, let's go in . (SOUN) : COUPL`i r^OfIPSTL'%PS . .IX)OR OPF.NS & CLOSRS . . F001'SI'?3PS ON M00D) JACK : Now, let's see, where is th -- SHrhUCN : hi ya, bud . .what's new? .

JACK : Huh? . . (FOC/1'ST'iTS SiOP) Oh, hello^ . . Come on, Mary . (SOUND : F'OCA'Sl'EPS) NAHY : 'riho w¢s that?

s0

R1S;01 0313601 -17A-

JACK: That's that race track tout I'm always running into . . . . Now, let's see, I wonder whore-- jh. KEARNS:A Good afternoon, rtay I help you, sir?

_ (SOUNU : FOGTSTF3S STOp)

JACK: ,P Yes, I'd like to bur a new suit . . KEJff1NS : I don't blame you . JACK: What? KFARNS : I'm bir . Kearns, and I'11 be glad to show you our new Spring line .

JACK: Good, good . .but first, tell me . .What is the price range here?

KFARNS :,~Our suits start at twenty-five dollars and go up to a

hundred and fifty . JACK: Well, I wouldn't want to wear anything as chee .p as twenty- five dollars . .and yet, I wouldn't want to go way up to a hundred and fifty . KFARNS : I understand . JACK: I'd like something in the mtddle . .say about thirty dollars . MARY : Oh Jack, why don't you get a good suit for a change? After all, you're gonna wear it on the stage every night . KFARNS : Stage? Are you an actor?

`eb2ax^'svtt°arem~"'7en°~euF,gesb .~Bi+ab..F-.geYA: ~

KM

AiH0'/ 0 313F 0 2 e.. KFAftNS : 'Re1:,,a lot o : men select a color to nAtch thei.r hair, or

their eyes . . . . Iet's see . .ycur eyes are blue, aren't they?

JACK : Bluer than the lips of a schoolboy at forty below . P/AHY : ( :a :,TTTLF. OFN ) Oh Jack . . . JACK : What is it, I_vey? Nv1P7Y : Here's a very pretty suit . . .it's gabardine . JACK : Oh, good good . .I like gabardine . p~ . KFf~RNS : r 1'm sure that suit would look very nice on you, Nh^ . Benny .

JACK: Yes . .but it's . .forty-five dollars . . . . dl . KbHRNS ; ' There's a whistle in the pocket .

JACK : Oh we].1, I don't sare~about that . .But I think I'll take it . . A KFARFS : ~N'ine, fine . .I'll2 go upstairs and get our tailor so he can measure you for any alterations . JACK : The.nk you .

(SOUND: COUPLE FOC/i'STERS FADING OF'r') JACK : Say, Nnry, I'm gonna walk to the back of the store and see if there's anything else 1:'d like . Want to join vtr? MHRY : No, I'm tired, I'11right here . JACK : Okay .

(SOUND: COUPLE F'o0'PSTEYS) .

JACK: (SINGS) There's no business like show business Like no business I know Im, da da da da da da da grease pai.nt . Lh da da da da da count the house . ?xi da da da da da da da . . . . . YOp, that gabardine suit wi.l7. ]ook nice . . . . forty-five dollars, though . . . .Oh well . . (S1NGS) There's no people like-- SHEILDGN : Hey bud . .bud

: . (SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOP)

KM

M no 1 0313603 -19-

JACK: Huh?

SHP'J.i)CN : Come here a minute .

JACK: !Vho, me?

SIQ•:LUON : °eah .

(SOUND : COUPLE F'OOTSTEPS)

SHFSnON : What you doin'?

JP.CK: Al- ,i'm buying a suit .

SHF:I,D ON : 1Vhat kind?

JACK: Gabardine .

SHFI[d)ON : Uh ub .

JACK: tVhnt?

SHF:IdbN : Get a woo7. suit .

JAOK:~"~' •VJhy should I get wool?

SFiNLIbN : On account of the pants . They're great in the bo .ck stretch .

JACK: But I ;ike gabardine .

SHF;IS70N : Look, I'm telling you, for your own good, get wool . JACK: But--

SHEL?10N : Don't take n y word for it, look .at the breading . JACK: The breeding?

SFU1l70N : It's out of Mary's Little Lamb by Baa Baa Black Sheen .

JACK : Plell look, I'm going to buy a gabardine suit, and that

settles it, SHN1,fON : Okay, it's your dougn .

(SOUND: FOOTSTEPS)

KM

RT 90 1 (1313604 JACK : What a guy „whenever I run into him, I-- Ki:ARNS : (CONQNG IN) Oh, there you are, .N.r . Benny : Yes, I was just looking around . . JACK KP:ARNS : Well, L'd like you to meet our tailor, .,Mr . Benry, this is b'm . Nel.son . NELSON ; HOW DO YOU DO : How do you do . JACK . .Now I don't want to seem Impstient,^ but I'm

in a hurry „ can we get on with the measuring?

KFARNS : Why certainly .,Na• . Nelson, do you have your tape measure with you?

NELSON : Yes . .now hold still, little mm n : Little msn? . JACK

Nr^.LSON ; You're byving the one with the whistle in the pocket, arun't you? JACK : FtISn.,Look, Mr . Nelson, just take the measurements . NEIIfiON : Very w•e11 . . .Co17ar . .sixteen . KBARNS : Collar, sixteen, NAlLBCN : ,,,Shoulders . .elghteen . %1'ARNS : Shoulders, eifhteen . NF:r80Y ; ,,,Chest . .ohest . .W1iLL . .how did it get way down there? JACK: Never mind that .

NHISON : Right sleeve . .thirty-four .

KF'JIhNS : Right sleeve, thirty-four .

NNI7SON : Izft sleeve ., .twenty-one .

4MPANS : Left sleeve, twenty~\'- KM

F1 1 H01 0~1 '14605 -21-

AstZ.,.. NF:LSON : You want people to see your wrist watch, don't you? JACK : No, and stop wasting ny time . ~ KEARNS :%; By the way, MM . Benny, would you like wide or narrow cuffs

on yo .r trousers?

JACK: What's the difference?

KF'.ARNS ; Well, there really isn't much difference, but most people

prefer the wide cufffs . JACK : Wny?

KEARNS : Well, haven't you had it happen that you accidentally drop

a coin and it falls into the cuff of your pants? JACK : No . MARY : He always catches it before it hits the ground . . JACK ; Yes . .now, Mr . Nelson, when will ay suit be ready? NELSON ; In two weeks . JACK : TWO WEM : BV~' I WANTEU IT FOR MY PERSONAL APPft\RANCE TOUR, ~s<• NEISON : I'M SORRY,~IT WILL TAKE TWO WB'EK4 .

JACK : YOU MEAN I CAN'T HAVE MY BRAND NEW SUIT FOR MY OPENING IN

PASADENA?

;VEISON : NO, BUT IF YOU LIKE, WE'LI. RUNAN ADIN THE PAPER TEIdSNG THHM YOU BOUGHT ONE .

JACK: WELL, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS . . .I'M NOT GONNA BUY THE SUIT AT ALL . N11RY ; BUT JACK,^ W1fAT'RE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL APPEARANCE IN PASADENA?

JACKt I'i.L SHOW YOU . .LEi' ME USE TNAT PHONE .

(SOUND : RFx'EIVER UP . .SIX DIALS . .RBC.`i:IVER CISCK) JACK : -HEIJA, STEVE? BUY SOME CORN, WE'RE GONNA USE THOSE PIGEONS AFI'EYt ALL . . . .COME ON, MARY . (APPLAllSF ANI) PIAYOFB')

KM

0 1Y 0 1 0 31360 6 _22_

J dies and gentlemen, every year thousands o lose ~ their s in fires . . . and the trag is that most of these fires beµd have been nted . Do your Fart to M -~O help prevent fires! B all, matches and cigarettes are o_irt before yo . take care! Obey all fire unlty, your li .e

RTH01 03 13607 (TAG)

(SOUM) ; F'OOTSTEPS OID CFA4.M') JACE: I'm glad I didn't buy that suit from those smart aleck guys in that store .

.hU?Y ; Oh Jack, forget it . .Gee, I wonder where Rochester psrked the

car . II guess we'll have to walk clear around the block to

find 7t .

JACK : P'o we won't, ['hsry . Walt a ndnute .

(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS STOP) JACK : I've got something here that w111l bring Rochastern~ .o us . (SOUM7 : PAUSR . . .THEN BIAST OF WHISTLR) N1RY : Jack, you fl1q n't* y'~la' ~..-r `zl< ,~ ,c.r . . 6.,,.~ ....~ . ~s,. JACK: , 4'hose guys areYi't gonna push me around . re -b#terde~A®e4esberr~dia~w•g2z•kec}, .~AL.en...tMo-.uexmem ...... C:xik:...c:n......

a JBl(: ~'A33"3'}~hb;"A'06 Aa°~W+M.BPW^'biftr=oa~.,t~~'

-398i{e-w•• N•i$.AFiafsbU,YilI17.Id.,}3A\Q'i .9'Q.=Tll1Ci'6+~ .C.~&r.BQSS..•,.:. T418Xx.+c.xaW4syJ+..:. 24Gki:..,;..,..W13ILIti . L,,b'AS:.:PAkKTsP'ta50Fad•,Y3,iN,•SWbAS~3•8'3{tiF13iOFk.F&i~8ifAT8 ...... dA6:Ka.~,.cu9hl~fwnnhc+avefldare5k~s,-w9malrrightg~ fa3kao•~.,.... ;APPIAUSfi & MUSIC)

a1

F1iX07 0313608 _21}_

JACK : :ncie y d gentlemen, every year thous s of Attrricans lose

their ives res . . .and the glc fact is that most of

these fires could ha prevented . Do your part to he]p

prevent fSros ; B ure all es and cigarettes are out

before you . card them . Boware . . . e care : Obey all re gulations to rmke your home, your comn Ly, your 11^e

'safe from fire . Thank you .

IX1N : Be sure to hear Dennis Lhy in "A Ihy In The Life of' Dennis ",ay" . Stay tuned for the Amos 'n' Andy Show which follows invnediately ......

TFIIS IS CBS . . . . . TFG COIAND IA BROAI"qASTING SYSTRM .

KM

R1}{U1 0313609 TV, JACK SFM1NY sROGRF.M SUM)AY MAY 7, 1 .550 CLOSING COMMS':RCIA7.

HIESTeuVD : In a cigarette mildness and en„_ioyment go together . So

light up a Lucky because . .

3{ARSUTT : Lucky Strike is miler . Yes, scientific tests prova_

Lucky Strike is milder than en_y_gther principal brand

Of cigarettes!

HIESTANll : T}:ose scientific tests oro confirmed by independent

consulting laboratories, and they prove . . .

SHARHUTT : Lucky Striko mildest of six major brands tested . .

HIESTAND : And no wonder! It takes fine tobacco to make a fino cigarette . . .F-:d . . .

SHARBUTT : LS - MNT 7S -MFI'

HIESTFlND : Lucky Strike neensgfine tobacco . . . .fine, light, naturally mild tobacco

S-,[ARHUTT : So for a aibM-tasting cigarette with nover a rough

puff smoke a Lucky . You'll enjoy the smooth, rich taste

of Luckies' flne tobacco . You'll prove to yovrsolf

what scientific tests prove . .Lucky Strike is milder than

any other principal brand of cigarottes!

Try a carton of Lucky Strike!

A7 ,

f1Tif01 03 13E 1 O HiOGRAM #36 RRWISBD SCRIYP

A64RICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY 514t17CF. - Tta' JACK P.R'NNY PROGRAM -~UDv?Y~~~~4 i o V C k :2.~~t34 IN 51m pis ~ i

KM

R7H01 0 313611 THE JACK AFNNY PROGRAfd SUNDAY MAY 14 1950 OPI~;NIN4 CONllNFS26 IAL

SHARBVPT : THI? JACK BFWTIY rTcOGHAM . . . presented by ...... LACKY STRIKE:!

RIGGS : (CHANT -- 60 to 62 -- SOLD AMPRICAN)

S}WRBUPT : Iucki.es' are milder! -- Smoother and milder -- with never a roi:gh puff .

HIBISTAMI : Yes, scientific tests rove - Lucky Stirke is milder than

any other principal brand of cigarettes .

SHAH45UTT : These scientific tests are confirmed by throe independent

consulting laboratories and they prove . . .

HIFSTAND : Lucky Strike mildest of six major brands tested .

SftARBUT'T : There's no doubt, when you light up a Lucky, you got a

smoother-smoking, milder-tasting cigarette . And . . . you enjoy the ri.ch_taste of fine tobacco because . . .

HIPSTANll : IS - WT

IS - M1 P T

SHARBL"i'T ; Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . fine, light, naturally mild tobacco that gives you more real deep-down smoking enjoyment .

HIESTAND: So for the rich taste of fine tobacco . . . for smoothness

and mildness with never a rough puff . . . light up a Lucky :

Yes, prove to yourself what scientific tests prove --

Lucky Strike is milder than any other principal brand of

, cigarettes . Make your next carton Lucky Strikel .

P'S

RIh 0 9 0313612 -1- (PIRSI' RGUPINE)

(AF`I'ER CON@dP:RCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON: THE UJCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITF{ MARY

LIVLNGSTONE, PHIL HARRIS, ROCfIFSTER, DENNIS DAY, AND "YOURS

TRULY" DON WIISON . (APPIAUSE: MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : IADIF4 AND GENtLFYdEN, TOA4Y IS MGPHPJiS' DAY, . .ANU IN HONOR

OS' THAT OCCASION WE WOULDLIKE TO BRING YOU A M4N WHO HAS

BENN MORE THAN A MOTHER TO US . . . . APID HERE RE IS . . .JACK BENNY . (APPIAUSN)

JACK : Thank you, thank you :. . .Hel].o again, this is Jack Benny talking . .And Don, that was a very nice introduction, but I--~'-- ,Q .zL...,~ think•you were being just a little bit overly-sentimental, DON : No no, Jack, Imeant every word of it . .and you truly have

boon like a mother to our little group of thespians . JACK : Don --

PHIL : Donzy's right, Jackson . You've really looked out for us

all these years .

JACK : Aw gee, Phil ---

MARY : We all agree on this, Jack . . . . . Dennis, hasn't Mr . Benny beer, like a mother to us? DENNIS

: Yeah . . .me he even spanks,

JACK : Dennis, I only did that once, and you deserved it . Imagine

coming over to my house and throwing a dead cat in the

11.vinpr oom . KM

01901 0313613 DENIVIS : You said you needed violin strings . JACK: Never mind tlmt . . .now keep quiet . ~ 4 . . DON : Yes, Dennis,

shouldn't act like that . After all, Mr . Benny has protected us like a brood of little chicks, and sheltered usunfler his wing . JACK: Don . .Don . .I couldn't shelter yo_y if I had a wing like a

B-29, . . .believe mo . PIC[I,: Look, Jackson, we're trying to say something nice and you and Dennis are lousi4 up the mood . JACK: We are? DON : Yes, Jack, n¢iybe we've kidded you so often that you don't realize how much you've helped us .

JACK : Oh, I realize I've been a great help to all of you . . .I knew

that when you came to mo for sympathy, . .I gave it to you . . . .

R,.,~ when you came toyouG me for advice . . . . S gave it to . ~~.when you

came to me for money --

MARY : You gave us sympathy and advice . JACK : Yes . . I don't see any reason at all why 1 should give you extra money . ~-~J

PHIL : Who's talking about extra money7 We osi# want+whht we got comin' .

JACK : /:f . . .I can't understand you kids . . .Just a little while ago you said I was a mother hen and you were my brood of little chicks . . . ;low all of a sudden . . . Dennis, why are you staring at me? Kd

F11 Y: 0 1 0313E14 -3- UENNIS : It's the first time I ever saw a b3ue-eyed hen JACK

: Now cut ttr.t out and let's get on with the program . . . For goodness sakes, you etart something on this show and before

(SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK : COdE IN . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) HFARN : Ri, Rube! JACK : Ilnvn . MARY : Jack, isn't that the mnn who painted your house?

JACK : You oughta know, you brought him over . look, Mr . Re.wk].ns, I'm trying to do a radio program . . .what do you want? HEN1N :d Just dropped in to tell you that I saw your show the other night in Pasadeney : You did? . JACK

RFARN : Yup . Pretty good ehow .,you oughta brlnp, It out to Calabassas . JACK : Calabassas : '>~`.W _ _ '-,...r HEHRN: ;y Pretty,.-Yb1g place,,,Right now we got 422 people . J .+OK: 7 422 people! FIEIARN

: There's a convention S.n town .

JACK: eonveetTOrtYWell, who's there when there i .sn't a convention? FTIARN: Me . JACK: Just you? z .~ !. HFARN : When the sun ain't shining and there's no shadow, I'm a

lonely boy . KM

RTY{01 0313615 JACK : Wel.l, I'm sorry, Nu, . Hawkins, but r.ry itinerary is all aet . HHARN : Well, o1my . Just thought it would be nice to have some entertainment . So long, Rube . JACK: So long, so l .ong . ~(SOUND : 1700R CIASNS) JACK :,,e--I"(vonder why he always calls me Rube . . A11 right, kids, let's 1a« got on with the show . , We've got a lot to do tonight and --

DON : 6fi,, Before we start, Jack, that fellow who was just here reminded

me of something .

JACK : What is it, Don? DON : 1I wanted to tell you that I also enjoyed your show in Pasadena .

JACK:

MARY : J/ .It was great, Jack, and you certainly had(~a wonderful cast . . .

You, Phil, Rochester, Vivian Blaine --

DN.NNIS : And don't forget Tabby . MARY : Tabby? Who's Tabby? nENNIS : The dead cat, he's Nr . Benny's A and G strings . JACK : That's how much you lmow . .the A string came off a total stranger . So don't be so sQart .

PHtL: Hey, Livvy, how did you like the way me and ud orchestra stopped the show? Great, wasn't it? Gl. MARY : You were veryngo-', Phil, but there was one thing that

puzzled me

: What was i.t,. PHIL Liv?

K M

1<

RTH01 0313 6 16 -5- bV.RY: 11`e4How come when the rest of the band was playing "Thvt's WMt

I Like About The South", Frankie was playing "Tiger Rag?"

PRT]t : We11, , Frankie's on strike . That's his way of pick©tin rg ,

MARY: Oh, are the musicians on strike? P}iIL : No, just Remley, he's mad at Jackson . MARY : Why? JACK : It's nothing. . .He's mad because I won't let him take his electric guitar on the tour . .and l:'m right, too . .Whenever he . . has that thing on the stage, the whole band gathers around

it . - MARY : Around his electric guitar? Why? PHIL : It makes ice cubes, t ..k, JACK : , and when he spins his guitar to be fancy, ho's really ~ ~ . .- -- / I>,.eLG - _ . ml.xing marti_ni∎_ .I~PhiI , avA you fix .~ up for Sauur(y

the drununer to go on tour with us?

PH1T, : Yeah, I spoke to the Board and Sanuqy can leave the state . provided he's in bed every night by ten . JACK : kir®, and tell him to keep his shirt buttone, those numbers rc~ on his underwear look awful . . .AnB Phi .1f while I'm on the subject, it wouldn't hurt if some of your other musi.cians got to bed early, too . . . I'm sick and tired of you and your boys running around all night .

DENNIS : That ' s tellin' him, Mom .

JAOK : Stop that, Dennis . . . Now look, kid, it's time for your sonp. .'what are you gonna sing . (<..,tC, DENNIS : + I have something appropriate for Mother's Day . JACK : Well, let's hoar it .

GM

11 1 H01 0313617 -5-

MARY : How come when the rest of the band was playing "Ibat's What I Like About The South", Frankie was playing "Tiger Rag?"

PHIL : Well, Frankie ' s on strike . That's his way of picketing . MARY : Oh, are the musicians on strike?

PHIL : No, just Romley, he's mad at Jackson .

NARY : Why? JACK : It's nothing . . .He's mad because I won't let him take his electric guitar on the tour . .and I'm right, too . .Whenever he has that thing on the stago, the whole band gathers around

it .

MARY : Around his electric guitar? Why? PHTd. : It makes ice cubes . . JACK : Yes, and when he spins his guitar to be fancy, he~s really

mixing martinis . . . Say, Phil, did you fix it up for Sammy the dru.nsner to go on tour with us?

PHII, : Yeah, I spoke to the Board and Sattvny can leave the state

provided he ' s in bed every night by ten .

JACK : Y ine, and tell him to keep his shirt buttoned, those numbers

on his underwear look awful . . .And Phi1, while I'm on the subject, it wouldn't hurt if some of your other musicians got to bed early, too . . . I'm sick and tired of you and your boys running around all night . DP,M4IS : That's tellin' him, Mom .

JACK : Stop that, Dcnnis . . . Now look, kid, it's time for your

song . . what are you gonna sing .

DENNIS : I have something appropriate for Mother's Day . JACK : Well, let's hear it,

GM

R rt; 01 03 7 361P, -~ DENNIS : Okay.

(SOUMD : KNOCK ON DOOR)

JACK : Hold it, Dennis„COMr, IN .

(SOUND : DOOF OPENS) JACK : Yes?

MEL : Telegram for Jack Benny .

JACK : I'll take it, boy .

MBt, : Here you are.

JACK : rCq, Just a minute . . . . here .

ME1. : Gee, Mr. Benny,,,when you reached into your pocket, I

expected a nickel or a dime . .but I never expectedthts .

MARY : What dld he give you? 6SF.L : Lint, n .. t~ . JACK : Get , here . 44, BQUM7 : DOOR SIdfM) `~MA'HY : Jack, who's the telegram from? JACKa Just a minute -- (SOiIIvD : E:NVE,Y.OPE OPENING) JACK : Ahh, this is cute . . .it's from the boys of the Beverly Hills Beavers . Listen to thi.s, Mary . Dear Mister Benny, Our Treasurer and friend, We just bad a meeting, And decided to send This greeting to you That should fill you with glee, God bless you and keep you, Mother McCree ...... (DFEPLY TOUCHED) Gee. . .,, Isn-t that sweet?

DF.NNIS : Mr . Benny --

GM

n rx 01 0 3 13619 -7-

MARY : Ilennls, si n g your song, Mr . Berv~y is crying .

DENNIS : :..~-...~- (APP1AUSk)

(DR O IS'S SONG . . "LITTLE MC/PI[F.R OF MINR")

(APPLAUSE)

GM

ATH01 0-4 13620 (SECOND ROUTINE) . JACK : That was Dennis Day singing "Little Mother Of Mino" . .and very good, Dennie .

DENNIS : I always sing good on Mother's Day . JACK : Dennis, you sing good ev_ea day . . DENNIS : What've you got against Mother's Day? JACK : Nothing, nothing . .I think Mother's Day is the finest day of the year .

DENNIS : It's about time, itta beon cloudy all week .

JACK : Oh, go sit down . . .And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our

special, surprise of the evening . . I'd like you to moet a

young lady whom you've seen many times on the screen . .

and will be appearing with us on our tour . .

Miss Vivian Blaine . (APPLAUSF)

VIVIAN : Thank you, Jack, I'm awfully glad that you invited me over today .

JACK : h'eli, Vivi.an, the reason I asked you to come over . .is

because . .well . .you know that scene we do in our stageshow . .f

'=,, t~-wnere you're supposed to run your hand through my hair when'

I'm kissing you?

VIVIAN : Uh huh. , -y ...a ..- JACK :~~IIt was~awfully embarrassing in Pasadena .

MARY : What happened, Vivian?

VIVIAN :-~Instead of my hand going through his hair, it went under it .

RTH01 0313621 -9- JACK : Yes . . .your fingernails are so sharp . MARY : Jack, why don't you let tier do the kissing scene with Phil? JACK : Mary, that's the way it was supposed to be . But after the first rehearsal . Vivian said she'd rather do the kissing scene with me . So . . . .Mary, you don't have to look at her as though she has two heads .

MARY : Vivian, why won't you do the scene with Phil? .

VIVIAN : Well . .everytime we rehearsed it, it was the same thing .

F[e'd slip his arms around me . .snuggle up close and .whisper

in my ear .

MARY : Geo . .what did he whisper? VIVIAN : Good health to all from Rexall . JACK : Some romantic guy . I can show him a thing or two . VIOIAN : I'm sure you can, Jack . .but when we do the love scene, I , .. would like to makoeone request .

JACK : Cortainly, Vivian . What is it? VIVIAN : Wei1 . .I wish you'd just put your arms around me and lot our lips meet in tender embrace . Don't grab me and pull yourself up by my ear lobes .

JACK : I'].1 remember that . Now, Vivian, how about doing a song?

VIVIAN : Don, shall we tell him?

JACK : Huh?

DON : Jack, we thought we'd give you a little surprise . .so I got

Vivian to cook up something with the Sportsmen quartet .

JACK : Say . .that's wonderful . .lAt's have it .

DON : Okay .

(SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR)

VR k

HTX 0 1 0 313[22 -10- JACK :~ Just a minute, Don .,Como in . (SOUND : DOOR OPF.NS) Jio -....e. La

FRANKiE : Silvoney . :RShr . e»ey-.- (APPIAUSE)

JACK: LookP W . S1lvoney, I'm trying to do a progxam ' Whet 4" you warina see me about? FAANK: Well, I need a little mohey, and I was wondering if you could help me out .

JACK: Now wait a minute . .I don't mind giving you a handout every

once in a while . . .and I'll stake you to a meal this time, too . . . . .but wty . .for heaven's sakes, why don't you get yourself a job? . . .any kind of a job .

FRANK : All I need is ten cents so I can take We bus down to San L..o- Pedro, s h

JACK : You . .you won two glorlous, .,y»ero.rmam on a quiz program?

FRANK : Nm.un mrmn

: I just can't. JACK believe it .

KM

Y

RTH07 0373 62 3 /wIz -].1- FNANK : 41111 tell you how it happened in a way . I was walking down

the street . .I wasn't doing anything . .just walkCng down the

street . .I didn't feel like doing anything. .so I was justt

walking down the street : While I wms passinp~he vlidio~

station, aqviog fellow in a uniform said : "hey, you!" . . .

I said "Who?" . .He said "You" . .I said "ME"? . .he said "Yah_ :"

J itle would yuu like to be on a quiz program?" . .And while to-r..4r- ~q asking him if he wm spare a dime for a cup of coffee, he takes r.:e into the studio, writes my name on a card, and m/. -,i.... sits me dexn .' Wel1 . . . . I'm just sittin' there . .I ain't doing

anything . .just sittin' there . . .A11 of a sudden, the Nsster

of Ceremony says, "Gur next contestant is Mr . John L .C . 9, . .!- Sil.voney ."O John L .C . Silvoney : . . . Holy smoke, that's meeeee : ( IAUGf64 ) •v , ~ a..~ ;7"--- ,/ '1 .o .- JACK: MM , I can't get over your winning two weeks in Honol.ulu .

N hat was the question?

FltANK : Weil . .he looked at me and said" "John . .In geograobical

terminology, what is the pe~1WM9KaA parallel En~the

bio]ogical aspect of the vernal equinox .

JACK: And you . . . . you answered that question?

FRANK : What a luc ky guess : (IAUGI4S)

KM

"?1

RTK01 0313 6 2 4 _12_

JACK: N/ell, Mr . Silvoney, here's the df .me and give nw regards to Hilo Hattie, FHFlMC : Thanks, pal . Goodbye .

(SOUND : DOOR CLOSES)

(APPLAUSE)

JACK: All right, Den,~let's'hear what Vivian and the boys hnve cooked up .

R1h 0 1 037362 1> (INPRO) -1j- VIVIAN : I DON'T CARE IF THE SUN DON'T SHINE I GET MY LOVING IN THE EVENING TIME WF1EN I'M WITH MY BABY . ~tlc QUART : YOU'LL NEVER MISS THIS ONFY+KISS

VIVIAN : IT'S NO FUN WITH THE SUN AROUND

BUT I GF.T GOING WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN AND I F1E'E'T MY BABY .

THAT'S R'HFN WE KISS AND KTSS AND KISS

AND THN:N WE KISS SOMF MORE

DON'T ASK HOW MANY TIMFS WE KISS

AT A TIME LIKE THIS, WHO kEEPS SCORF. .

I DON'T CARE IF THE SUN DON'T SHINE

I'IS, GET MY LOVING IN THE EVENINo- TDIE

WHEN I' M WITH MY BABY.

QUART : WE DON'T CARE IF THE SUN DON'T SHINE MORNING, NOON, OH IN THE EVENINI TIME 'CAUSE WE ALI, SMOKE LUCKIES WP1 DON'T CARE ABOUT THE TIME OF' DAY OR IF BENNY SHOULD REDUCE OUR PAY CAUSE WE ALI . SMOKE L7CKIFS VIVIAN : THAT'S WHEN YOU PUFF AM7 PUFT` AND PUFF, ANt) THEN YOU PUFF SOME MORE . QUART : DON'T ASK HOW MANY TIMES WEI PUFF

CAUSE THFd2F:'S NO ROUGH PUFF AND WHO KEEPS SCORE

30 WE DON'T CARE IF THE SUN DON'T SHINE

MORNING, NOON, OR IN THE EVENINA TIME; VIVIAN & QUART : CAUSE WE'RE SMOKING LUCKIES . GOOD OLD LUCKIES IT' S L S M F T . (APPIAUSE)

(31H01 0373626 -1iF- (THIRD ROUTINE) ~ lp .n v JACK : Vivian,^that was wondorful . . .Roally swell . VIVIANo~Thanks, Jack . . .I've gott to run along now and do some packing . . .I'1l see you at the airport tomorrow .

JACK : Okay . .don't forget we're taking the T .W .A . Constellation on

our whole trip .

VIVIAN :Iona Anl4 . . .Goodbye .

JACK : Goodbye

. (SOUy`II3 : DOOR CLOSE) .

JACK : Don,vl:hat was really a great idea you had for a commercial . DON: Thanks, Jack .

JACK : And now, kids---

MARY: 49a1t a minute, Jack .

JACK ; Hub?

MARY : I've been thinking about that fellow Silvoney .

JACK : / What about him? N,ARY :GvIIHe always comes to you to help him out ., .Why don't you give ~ him a job?

JAOK(k 14 I'd like to, Mary, but I don't need any extra help . NARY : But Jack, you could use him around the house as . . .as . .wel]., as a caretaker . JACK : I've got Rochester for that .

P9ARY : Well, maybe you could use him as a gardener .

JACK : I've got Rochester for that, too .

MARYsiK,/~tEaybc you could use him as a night watchman .

DENNIS : He's got me for that .

JD

n TY401 03 1 3 6 27 -15- JACK : Dennis---

DENNIS : I sit up on the roof with a machine gun . JACK : Now look, Dennis---

DENNIS : GET AWAY FROM THAT IFMONADE STANTi . . .(LIKE MACHINEGUN)TA TA TA TA TA TA TA TA . . ` ~u«.l JACK : Dennis, stop that! . . .Anyaay! Mary,•why,/are you soanxlous to get a job for Silvonoy? MARY

: Well Jack, of all the men I've ever seen, he's the only one

that would be a perfect match for my sister Babe .

JACK : Your sister Bab,~? ~ What makes you think that they're a

perfect mateh4~.'~ .Wha't has Babe got in common with Silvoney?

MARY : Well, Babe jus' hangs around the house .R .She don't do anyting . . .just h,aon~gs around the house . . .She don't feel like doin' anyting . .sjust hangs around the house .G-+%/ s

got a lot of packing to do, so let's get on with the---- Dennis, where are you going?

DN:NNIS : To answer the door . JACK : Nobody knocked .

DENNIS : No, but twith this kind of a show, anything can happen .

JACK : What?

(SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR)

JACK : How did he know? . . . . . COPTrI IN . (SOUPID: DOOR OPENS) ARTIE : Hello, Mr . Benny . JACK : Well, .Mr . Kitzel!

(APPLAUSE)

JD

RTH 0 1 031362 8 -16- a,( ?s.,. . /y ,-y ARTIE+ ~Excuse me for'ri terrupting the proeeedings . . .but I had to see you before you go out personally apeearing .

JACK : Wa11,,I'm glad you did . ARTIE : I understand that when you finish your tour, you are gottir on a boat and sailing for merry ole England . . .So I brought you a gift. .

JACK : Q Gift? ARTIF,• : Yes, .1 knew you were going so I baked s cake . ~

JACK: Well, thank you, thank you , lze- ,...~ a.~= .+ ARTIE : ~#F, Mr . Benny,, ~at I wouldn't give to go on a boat trip egain~

JACK : ohp6then you have made a orossiqg7

ARTIE : Three times

: Atlantic or pacific?. JACK

ARTIE : West Lake Park .

JACKc Oh . . .Ch .

ARTIE : But, seriously, I would like to go to England because that's a wonderful place to pick up antiques .

JACK : That's right, but Mr . Kitzel, I didh't know you were a collector of antiques .

ARTIF: Hoo boo hoo .r. .In my house I got the original uQ;A nW that George Washington ~~. 'r ~t4N • -!e«d~ 7 d/ JACK : The .original uwtP.mnm? Where did you get It? ARTIE : War surpius . JACK : Mr . Kitzel, you're joking : (IAUGH ."+) .• .My . . AHTIE

JD -17-

JACK : Well, Mr, Kitzel, I'm awfully glad you dropped in . . .and while I'm in England, if I see an interesting antique, I'11

bring it back to you .

ARTIE : Bless your kiaart . . .And 0&, Mr . Benny, II nearly forgot somethingn. .~I brought you another gift . JACK : Another gift? ,y

ARTIF, : A book to read+on the boat . . .Hero . JACK : Well, isn't that nice . . .That's Jimmy Starr's now book--

"Hoads You Lose" . . . Thank you, Mr . Kitzel . ARTIB : I wrote something on the inside . . .lst me road it . JACK : Aw, isn't that sweet . . .Go ahead . ARTIE : "To M1U• . Benny, that old friend of mine, May you always be healtpy and thirty-nine ...G ." z~ rt/ JACK : Oh, gee . . .Thank youp Mr ! K1tze1 . . ARTIE : You're welcomo . . .and g,ood luck on your trip . JACK : Thank you . . .Goodbye . ARTIS : Goodbye . (SOU[U) : DOOR 9LAMS) (APPIAUSF) JACK : Gee, I wiah Mr . Kitzel was going on the tour with us . . .Say

Mary, can you drive me to the airport tomorrow? MARY : Yes, I guess I can . . .but why doesn't Rochester do it? JACK :,,~e6h1 sent Rochester on ahead to Kansas City . . .He's taking care of some advance things for me .

JD

Ri}S09 0393E30 -18-

DON : I thought your press agent, Steve Bradley, took care of those things .

JACK : I sent him to Milwaukeo . . .In fact, I heard from him this morning . . .What a crazy publicity stunt he has cooked up now . . .He's nuts . MARY : Why, what does he want you to do? JACK : He wants me to be rolled into Milwaukee in a barrel of beer .

MARY : No : JACK : Yes . . .then on the City Hall Steps, they open the barrel . . . .I jump out, and the Mayor blows the foam off my head . . .I'm not gonna do a silly thing like that . DENNIS : Say, Mr . benny--- JACK : Yes . DENNIS : Answer the phone . JACK: What? C~4y (SOUND : PHONE RINGS) JACK : 93(&s kid is uncanny!

(SOUND : RECEIVER UP) JCCK : He11o? BLANCHE : (FILTER) I have a long distance call from Kansas City for

Mr . Jack Bonny . JACK :

BIANCHE : The charges are reversed . W1.11`you accept the call? JACK : Yes, yes . BLANCHE : Do you want me to tell you when the three minutes are up? JACK : No, no.

JD

RTY;01 0313631 -19-

BIANCHEI : Look, jerk, get off the phone and put Jack Bonny on! .rsu JACK : I am Jerk . . .Jack Bennye . .givo me the call! BIANCHE : Okay, don't get yoQr Irish up! JACK : Me? BLANCHE : Here's your party . JACK : Thanks . . .HU11o?

ROCfI : HELLO, MR . BENNY, THIS IS ROCfIESTER, (APPLAUSE) JACK : Oh, hello, Rochester . . .So you finally got to Kansas Ctiy, eh? How was the flight? ROCH : FIftF BOSS, FINE . . .AbII) BELIEVE ME, EVERYBODY IN KANSAS C17Y KNOWS YOU'RE COMING . JACK : Goa] good : YES SIR . . . ROCH YOUR NAME IS ON AIMOST EUF7tY BILIddOARD IN TP6RJ . JACK : Almost?

ROCH : IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ON EVF.RY ONE OF THRM BUT I RAN OUT OF CHAhiC . ^

JACK : I told you to take two pieces . u: ..e JACK : I DID, I nID! . . . . AMh BOSS, I'VE GOT A SUitPRIBE FOR YOU .

JD

M }!01 0313632 -20_

JACK : A surprise?

ROCH: YEAH . . .WH6N YOU ARRIV51 IN TOWN, YOU'LL BF.' MEP BY THE MAYOR

OF' KANSAS C1TY, THM GOVERNOR OF MISSOURI, AND ALI, 17[E IMPORTANT COMPIITTFS.S .

JACK : The Governor and the Mayor? How did you manage to do that?

ROCH : I CAN'T TELL YOU ON THE PHONE . . .BUT IF ANY60DY CALLS YOU

FIARRY . . .MUbQ3LF, SOMETHING ABOUT CONGHF,SS AFQ) KEEP MOVING :

JACK : Harry ; . . .Goe Rochester, do you think I can get away with it?

ROCH : I'M NOT WORRINI) ABOUT YOU . . .BUP I TOLi) THEM MR . HARRIS WAS

THE SHCRS"PARY 0F STATE . JACK : The Secretary of State?

ROCH: I HOPE THF.'Y'LL GO FOR A CURLY-IRADRD ACIIF,SON .

JACK : I3 know you'd go too far . . .Now look, Rochester, did you

stop at Wichita like I told you - to?

ROCH : YES, BOSS . . .TFD4 KANSAS NIIiUICAL SOCIL.'Y IS HOLDING A

CONVF:Nl'ION THhRE: AND TWO THOUSAND DOCTORS WII:L BE OVER TO SEE YOUR SHOW . JACK : Two thousand doctors in tho audience?

ROCH : YRAH. . .AHI) YOU BEY4BIR BE GOOD . . .ODLI OF THIW1 HAS A LONG HYPCDERMIO NFEDIF .

JD

RT}S01 03113633 JACK : I'll watch it . . .I'11 watch it . . .Sut Rochester, there's only one thing that worries me . .Thi.s business of being met by the governor and the mayor and me being called Harry . . .Do you think I can get away with it?

BLANCHF:: Pardon me . JACK : Huh?

BIANCHB ; : Your three minutes are up, Mister President .

JACIC : Oh, thank youe . .Goodbye, Rochester .

ROCH : G00000000DBYF. .

(SOUND : RP.ODIVL'H DOWN) JACK : Come on, Mary, I'll drive you home . . (APPIAIISL ANI) PIAYOFF)

FS

RTH01 0313E+ :.34 JACK : Lad7es and gentlemen, even though we wi7 .7. bo out on a personel appearance tour, I'll still be doing my radio program on Sunday . . .Meanwhlle . . .I hope to see al7 .my friends, in Wichita Tuesday ni .ght. . :alo'1l be in Kansas City Wednesday . .ves Moines Thursday•••St . Paul F'riday . . .Molinc Saturday . . .and next Sunday night we'll be in Milwaukee, Wisconsin .

MARY: Jack, aren't you gonna bring your show to WaukegaP . dACK : Mary, I was born in Waukegan, how can you follow that? (AYPIAUSBI)

XN : Jodc n :2.]] be back in just a moment, but first--

FS

RTH 01 0 313635 THE JACK BSNNY PROGRAM SUNDAY MAY 14, ].3'j0 CIL7SIN~G COM32CIAL

S}VsRBUTT : ln a cigarette nmildness is a true measure of emoking enjoyment . So light up a Lucky because . . .

HIFSTANll : luckies aro milder -- smoother a nd ffilder -- with never

a rough Fuff . Yes, scientific tests prove Lucky Striko is milder than any othor principal brand of clgarettes :

SHARBUi'T : These scientifuc tests are confirmed by throe indopendent consulting l.aboratories, and they prove . . . .

HIESTANRi : Lucky Strike mildest of six major brands tested .

SHARBUPT : And no wondert It takes fine tobacco to mke a fine cigarette -- and . . .

HIFSTAND : 18 - ;vi:'T

IS - MET

SHARRUI'T : Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . fine, light, naturally mild tobacco .

HI}IgTANll : So for more, real deep-down smoking enjoyment -- for a

m9.lder-tasting cigarette with never a rough puff, smoke

a Lucky . You'll enjoy the snrooth, rich taste of Luekies'

fine tobacco . You'll prove to yoursel.f what scientific

tests prove . . . Lucky 8trike is milder than any other

pri.ncipall brand of cigarettes : Try a carton of Lucky Strike :

Rr ., ::

FS

niXO1 0313636 -23- T

MA,4Y( : Ladiesw and gentlemen, this concludes another show and 'll all----

JACK : Just minute, just a minute . I wanta put a 1 e class into thi thing . . .Iadies and gentlemen, wa' be with you next week . . .

(SINGS) TM: S , 'IME

THE SAME PI

NEXT SUNDAY NI

MARY : Jack, what are you doin

JACK : Come on, Dinah, let (APPIAUSE AND M.US]C)

DON : Ladies and itlemen, every year thou nds of Americans lose th . lives in fires . . . and the tra c fact is that mos uf these fires could have been prevente Do ~our rt to help prevent fires : Be sure all matches nd

cigarettes are out before you discard them, beware . take care : Obey all fire regulations to make your home your community, your life safe from fire . Thank you .

DON : P Bo sure to hear ,henn]s Day in " A Da In The Life`Of Dennis /,-/ I>

Day ." Stay tuned in for the Amos 'N' Andy Show which follows immediatel.y . . . .

T}p.S 15 CBS . . . . . Tf1N, COLUMEIIA BROADCASTING SYSTEM .

JD

R1M 0 1 031363? PROGRAM # 37 aBvj:SBr, scRl ?r

82io CA ASN+ihTtlCAx TOBACCO~ ~~CGMPArnST LIICKY S'IR_ IKF. THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM

SUPQkIY, MAY 21, 1950 CBS 4t00 - 4 :30 PM PST

Trenscrlbed May 4, 1950

SK

RTS{ 0 7 0393 6 38 THb: JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUImFlY MAY 21, 1950 (TRANSCRIBEO PMY 4, 1950) 9pE,_QO__hw_C_I_AL_

SHARBUTT : THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM ,~ . . presented by UJCKY STRIKE :

RIGGS : (CHAN1' -- 60 to 62 -- SOLD AMBRICAN)

SHARBVI'T : Luckies ar{e~ !m~i/lder : Ayn++-w -en) "'-d ~++ 09 ~i~4tPP>>---And-~se-provideff-the pfmuY'.

SgARBUTT ; Yes, scientific tests grove -- Lucky Strike is milder

than any other principal brand of cigarettes .

HI F.'9TAND : 4+ea~-e€ter -Ceo4:--produoed-eortc3aslve-Btllttt5flt!'~'6i"LQCt(y SLn#ke'-s-greaC9I*"GiilBi5e8s: -Bnt-thsf*s-ttOt-a12 : . These bf.. scientific tests are confirmed by. independent consulting laboratories and they prove . . .

S}WiBUTT : Lucky Strike mildest of six najor brands tested .

NII:LSTAM) ; There's no doubt, when you light up a Lucky, you get a

smoother-amoking, milder-tasting ci.garette . And . . . you enjoy the rich taste of fine tobacco because . . .

SHARBU'fT IS - MII1'

HISSTAND ; Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . fine, light,

naturally mild tobacco that gives you more real deep-doWn

smoking enjoyment .

R1" 90 1 0 313639 THPI JACK BFNNY PROGRAM OpENING COMND~HCIA~(CONTI~NUN) BED M4Y 4, 1~0)

SAARBt12T : So for the rich taste of fine tobacco . . . for scpothness

and mildness with never a rough puff .,, light up a Lucky!

Yes, prove to yourself what scientific tests prove --

Lucky Strike is milder than any other principslbrand of

cigarettes . Make your next carton Lucky Strike -- so-

-roundr--ao-Ftrnti's~-ftt23y'-7riCAed, -so--Frea-and-easy-~-bkre_

draw ;

GM

fiT}!01 P313GA0 -I-

(FIRST ROUTINE) (AFTER COI4+@7tCIAL, MUSIC UP AN) DOWN) DON : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BK*NY . .WITH MARY LIVINGSTONli, PHIL HARRIS, ROCHESTEH, DFa7NIS DAY, AND "YOURS TRUIY" DON WILSON . (APPIAUSE . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : IADIES AND GbNPLEMQ7, MR . PAUL HARN, PRESIDENT OF THE

AMRtICAN TOBACCO COMPANY. .THE SPONSORS OF THIS PROGRAM . .

HAPPFSVS TO BE VISITING THE! WEST COAST . .SO WITHOUT FURT}H.R

ADO WE TAKE YOU TO JACK BPIVNY'S HOME IN HEVERLY HIIJ~S WHN7tE

JACK IS PREPARING TO GIVE A DINNFB PARTY IN MR . HAHN'S HONOR .

(SOUND : SNIPPING OF SCISSORS)

ROCH : HOLD YOUR HF?AD STILL, BOSS . IT'S HARD TO CUT YOUR HAIR WHFa! YOU MOVE LIKB; THAT .

JACK: Okay . .but be careful„ and hurry . I want this finished before

Mr . Hahn gets hero .

ROCH : I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN, BOSS . . (SOUNll : SNIPPING ON SCISSORS) JACK: The best you can! You started to give me this haircut forty minutes ago . .ewd you haven't even got the sides done .

ROCH : {JEISy kI[FN I GET TO DEATH VAIS,F,Y ON TOP, I'LI . GO EASTA&t .

JACK: And you can stop with that, too . I mzy have one little bald

spot up there about the size of a quarter .

ROCH : I'IT . RAISE YOU A HALF . JACK : Never mind . .(SNIPPING OF SCISSORS) . .Anyway, when you finish cutting my hair, I want you to massage some of that new hair restorer into my scalp .

SK

RIXQ1 CI31 3 641 -z- ROCH : I'I) RATHPR NOT MP.Su4GR YOU WITH THAT STUFF, BOSS . IT PACK FIHFS .

JACK : What do you moan, it backCires? HOCH : WFS.L, IT DOFSN'T DO YOU ANY GOOD, BUT I_HAVE : TO SHAVE MY

IFINGFSiS 4hlICEA II4Y . JACK: Oh, stop making things up . ROOH : I'M NOT iNKING,THINGS UP . .IAOK. .MY THUNIi'S GOT FIVE 0'CLOCK SHAiHIW .

JACK : Gee, and I thought you-were-- (SOUND : DOOR BWLZEH)

JACK: COMN) IN . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS)

JACK: Oh, hello, Mary . MARY : Well, what's going on here? JACK : Rochester's giving me a haircut . I'll be with you in a minute . MARY : Oh, for hoavens sakes, Jack, why do you lot Rochester cut your hair? You can go to the barbershop and have it cut for a dollar . RSCH : MISS LIVINGSTONE, YOU JUST STARTED AND LOST YOUR OWN ARG'.Di4:MP JACK: Mary, Rochester's doing all right . .and help me a little bit in the house . .I want everything to be right when my sponsor, Mr . Hahn, gets here . MARY: Jack, I know you're worried about your option, but aron't you going too far?

JACK ; Huh?

MARY : Where in the world did you get mistletoe this time of the year? JACK: Mary, -

f1T}i01 0313642 -3- MARY : And look at that picture over the fireplace . . . It used to

be "Lady Godiva" . . now it's Paul Ilahn . .

JACK : Mnry, will you please--

MP32Y : And Jack, look at that other picture in the corner, That's

really overdoing it .

JACK ; N'hat do you mean? NWtY : R4ristler's Mother smoking a Lucky Strike .

JACK: Msry, hh• . Hahn was the one who sent me that in the first

place . . .0ooh ; Rochester, be careful with that raeor .

RCCH : OSAY . .WffeRF;'S TFCr, IODID~? o<...... ,~ JACK: lodine? Rochester, }.yq bleeding!

ROCH : I'LL TIGIPI'ENY~OUR ?VN.CISTIti, T&iT'LL STOP IT . JACK: Ne.vwl4einel,,{ Put a band-aid on it . .anfl hurry up with this, will you? . .V.Gea;-A"iary;°d-trope'-Mr :•Nahn-wi-13--Ftrrd°-9he^- heuse"'a33"t'ight . V& -•.-k N~RY~----Fiw .n_.can-he-mias°it?-- oY u"vo-aprin} :3.ed-a-peth-of•"1+ose

pGt&1.S..Ll.ear..liOWn'°CP~'bhe"'21n1Dn`$t6t~i'On .

~AOK:---.-_Yeat•wath-nty42Vt'IY;'1io TS"~+C"`JPf^at'^Pesa3Cna:'::~BY"~x'Y,

d o_l'~ Uk ~ NbFest . . .

(SOUM): PHONE RINGS)

JACKt Answer the door, will you, Rochester?

ROCH : THAT'S THE TBI E PHONE, JACK: All ri.gpt, all right, answer it . M4RY : F+C,,Jack, don't be so nervous . (SOUND : RKIIVhI( UP)

ROCR : HBILLA . .WRO? ...... YES SLR, I'LL TEI3, HIM . . . GOODBYE .

(SOUNb : REFxFSVER DOWN)

GM

RT'ti07 03 136 ,43 JACK: Rochester, who was that?

ROCH: h4i . ;tONALD COIM4N, J-e~ - JACK :°P'VWhat did he want? ROCH: HE: SAID HP;'D LIKE TO Hh'Lp YOU IMPRESS YO11R SPONSOR, BUT HE'S GOING OUT TONIGHT SO HE CAN'T PARK HIS CADIISAC IN YOUR DRIVFYJAY . JACK: Hnn .

NAHY : Say Jack, if you really want to impress Vh° . Hahn, why

didn't you invite Ronnie and Benita to your party?

JACK : I did, Nary, I called Ronnie on the phone this morning . MARY : What did he say? JACK

: He said . . .Oh, never min9 .

M4RY ;lscCCome on, Jack . .What did Ronnie telll you?

JACK : Well, he sald . .er . . .Never mind . . . Anyway, I'll fool him , I'll /.* f - live to bo a hundred . . . .Say f.lary, how does my haircut look? MFallY-41i, Let me see . . . (IAUGf69)

JACK : What're you laughing at?

MARY : look how Rochester trin m ed your side-burns .

JACK: What's the mstter with them? MARY : You look like Sterling Holloway on one side and Caesar Romero on the other . JACK : Hnnm . .Rochester, take that razor and even them up . I want

to •(sa-fx, - -

(SCU ND : DOOR BUZZER)

JACK : Goe, 1 hope that isn't Mr . Hahn, already . . . Come in .

(50UND; DOOR OPENS)

GM

RT}S01 0313Eq.4 -5- JACK :@ Oh, hello, Don . DON : Y6, Hello, Jack . . .How are you, Mary? tMRY : Pine, Don . ROCH : SIT DOWN, Nfft . WIISON . DON : Thanks .

JACK : Oh, by the way, Rochester, we'll have cocktails before dinner . ROCH : MAR'PINIS OR MANHA7TANS? JACK

: No, 1'd li.ke to have something different . . .I've got it . . .

we'11 have Scotch Mists . MFlRY : Scotch . . .Mists? JACK : Yesry ou pour Scotch over chipped ice . . .That's a Scotch

Mist .

MARY : Oh, I thought it was when Phil breathes on you .

JACK: No no, Msry . .Wtmn Phil br~thes on you, it's a Bourbon

B1ock Buster . . .Gee, I wish,Don and the rest of the gang

would got here .

MARY : Don's already here . You just said "hello" to him . JACK: Oh yes . .Si.t Don, down . .I mean sit down, Don .

DON : I am sitting down .

: M Oh, that's right . / JACK AMRY: My goodness, Jack, but you're nervous today . I wouldn't worry about that option if I were you . JACK: Who's worried? DON : Jack, i'm sure Mr . gahn will sign you up .

GM

RThCIi 0313645 JACK : Don, that's not the reason I Invited him over here . U/ho

cares about rV job? There are other things besides radio . dIARY : With that haircut you could go into television . JACK : What?

DON : Even Kinescope couldn't louse that up .

JACK: Oh forget M haircut . . .Ard Rochester -- ROCH : YES, BOSS . JACK : Don't stand around here . Go out in the kitchen and nnke a

tray of hors d'oeuvres, ROCH : HORS D'OEWRPS? WHAT DO YOU MFAN? a~Q JACKt -Got a ha_m ._sandev_i_ch and cgt i.t ~n._forty .pleces . . .And„open a can of sardines, too . ROCH : YES SIR .k'-~. SAY BOSS, WE'RP ALL OUP OF BUI'TFR . I%) YGU 'u.'ANi h'1'i TO GO PON74 TO THN: STORF AND GET SONl3?

JACK : Well--- -Ae- - - (SOUND: PHONF. RINGS)

GM

I3TXq1 0313646 -7-

JACK: Answer the phone, Mary .

MA RY: Okay . (SOUND : RFCEIVETi UP) MARY : Hello? . .Yes . . .Oh, Mr . Hahn!

JACK: W_._ Hahn! Give me that phone! . . . . . HECd.q . . ..HEtiS.O~_MR ._HAHN . .

THIS IS JACK BFSVNY . . . . WHAT? ...... WRAT? . . . . . WHAT'S THAT? MARY : Take it easy, Jack, he can hear you . ~ JACK: Quiet, Mary .?~tH NO, MR . HAIN . .THE PARTY IS TONIG:PP . . .WF.[dy IACK, CAN'T YOU GO TO TTa. THBATRB TOMORROW NIGHP? . .OR THE NF.7,T NIGHT-- . I MFAN, THE NFJ(T NIGHT? . . . . GPIBI, MR . HAHN,

I'VP: INVIT);T7 THE WHOLE CAST A1Q) TFIEY'LL BF. WF'ULLY DLSAPPOINTFdI

: WHAT ABOUT THE. ROCH BU`il'ER? JACK: (Wait, we may not need it .) . . . . WF.LL IqOK„ MR . HAHN,WN'RE ALS, WAITING FOR YOU, SO DO COP9!. OVESi . . .YOU WIIS .? . . .OH BOY, THAT'S Sk'E7,L! MARY : Tell him to come early and get a haircut .

JACK : COME FARLY, MR . kWHN, AND GE:T A---MARY! ...... OKAY, MR . HARN . . SET', YOU SOON . . .YF]S SIR, YOU'RE ALWAYS WE :LCOtgI AT AENNY'S

BIDF-A-WE:E BUNGALOW . .(SILI,Y IAUGH) . .WH3d„ GOODBYE . (SOUND : RECENFSi DOWN) JACK

: Boy, was I worried for a minute!

(SOUND : DOOR BU22P&2) ..~< f JACK: Answer the door, th el s probab } Don .

DON : But Jack, I'm right here . JACK : Oh yes yes . . .I'11 go see who it is .

(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS) JACK : Oh, hello, Dennis . SK

Fli"H 0 1 0313647 -8-

DE%VNIS : Where did you get that haircut? 1ACK : Rochester gave it to me . .Come on in, Kid . )I3NL11S : Oh geo, I'm late, you've eaten already . JACK: What?

JAIMVIS : There's catsup on your face .

TACK: Oh for . .ROCHE94'Hli--

30CH : TIGHTE N YOUR NEDK'1'IF:. JACK: Dennis, come in, will you?

DEN NIS : Okay .

(SOUN) : DOOR CL.OSE9) JACK: Now,Donnis, against my bettor judgnont, I invited you tonight . I hope you'll behave yourself because we're having my sponsor for dinner .

DENNIS : You promised us roast beef . ~L ~ , ~ eR. ~'y ~ JACK:c~ d,ook, kid .~,~the only thing I want you t do, wh6n Mr . HahN' ~ z.o. gets here is to sing for him . .Ibn't talk, just sing .rMy option is coming up and I don't want anything to happen .

)FSINIS : All right, so what if he doesn't pick up your option, you

haven't got anything to worry about .

JACK: 4lhat? )b;NVIS : I can use you on my show, kid . TACK: Dennis-- )NNiVIS : That haircut'11 get screams

: Look Memy, I'm bleeding . .teke. JACK him away .~wj ~

1ARY : Dennis, now remember what Mr . Benny told you . ."When Jack's

sponsor gets here, don't talk, just sing .

Sx

A rx 01 0 a7 s 6413 r -9- DENNiS : Okay, you want me to try something-auY now? - SACK : Yeah yeah, try anything . . .Roohester, get me a band-aid . . . And why doesn't Ibn get here? LIDRY : He is here : Oh yes yes . JACK .Sing, Don . .I mean, Dennis . J 4r~ I (APPL4USE) ~ _ (DECINIS'S SONG -- ~IY' ISN'y',= ;''AIIy'l) (APPL4USF.)

SK

Aiho1 0319649 -10-

(SFxJi'N ROUTINE)JACK : Dennis, that was a swell song, and when you sing it for 6Ir . k Hahn, I'm sure he'll like it . .but remomber what I told you . . don't talk .

DFGTIIS : (MAD) Don't talk, don't talk, you drive a guy nuts! JACK: What? . DT+IJNIS : You're nothing but a felly-fish, if you had a good program, you wouldn't have to worry about your sponsor : JACKc Dennis--

DENNIS : Boy, are you lucky you've got me . If it weren't for my

singing, you'da boon out of work a long time ago . . .And

another thing~-Excuso me a minute .

(SOIM) : FOUtt FOOTSTEPS . .RECEIVER UP . . .SIX DIALS . .RPxEIVERi CL1CK)

Dh"NNIS : Ho11o . .Wnat olse should I tel.l him, Mother? JACK : Dennis, han up that phone and behave~ourself :

DENNIS : Yes air . (50UPID : RECEIVIR DOWN)

JACK: Now, Mary -- MARY: Yes, Jack . JACK: 1 want you to help me as much as you can . MARY : I will, Iwill .

?If JACK: Thanks 4`nare's one thing I wanted to ask you . . .rOh yes . .

Mary, when we go in to dinner, should I havo Ya+ . Hahn si .t on

my right or my left?

MARY: Well, that all depends on whether you want him to think you're

Sterling Holloway or Caesar Romero .

SK

111 H01 .4136500 -11-

: . JACK: Mary, I thought you said you were going to-- DETlNIS : HN5', LOOK AT ME, I'M THF H4RBER OF SEVIl,LE, . JACK : DENNIS, PUT DOWN THOSE SCISSORS AND GEP OUT OF THAT C}WIR . . . . What do you think this is, a barber shop?

ROCH : TH4T AIN'T THE NORTH POLE IN THF: FROMP YAP.D:

JACK: Rochester, just make the hors d'oeuvres and stop with those--

(SOUND : SE'VERAL QUICK SHORT DOOR RUL2bRS AND

LOUD KNCCKING ON DOOR)

JACK: That must be Don .

MARY : Don's here .

JACK: Oh yes i"COMFI IN . - (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) PHIL: HI YA, JACK90N . .HMJp, LIVV1 . JACK & MARY : Hello, Phil . PHIL: ~11,I) eon3da been here earlier, Jackson, but there's something wrong with my car and I had to ride over on the bus .

JACK : Well, that's all right, Phil . Mr . Hahn hasn't---Wait a . minute . .Phil . .you came all the way over here on the bus with that in your hand?

PHIL : With what in my---Well, how do you like that, I put on a

glove that was holding a Scotch and soda .

JACK: That could only happen to you .

MARY : Phil, why didn't you bring Alice with you?

JACK: Yes, Phil, I told you to bring her along .

PHIL :k

SK

M r;oi osiacs7 _12-

PHIL : 6ge11, there she can order alo carte, here she has to teke

the rir.ole dinner .

JACK : BeM. Phil, that's ridiculous . Tonight the dinner is on n e .

WffCY : Tkwt-].s j f his option is picked up .

JACK : Mary, -V option has nothing to do with it . I9}IL: Hey Jackson, how soon are we gonna have dinner? You know I have ta,--OH NO NO-.dW . . . .(I,AUGHS) JACK: Phil, what're you laughing at?

P}UL: Your hair. . .It looks like it was cut by two barbers who weren't speaking to each other .

JACK: Phil., don't try to be iWmy . . . . And that reminds me, there's something I want to talk to you about . .

PHIL : Me?

JACK: Yes . .Yfnen Mr . Hahn gets here, don't start tel.ling any of

those corny gags of yours . Believe me, he won't like them .

PHIL: Can't -- tell the one about the old maid thnt cet the bear trap under h~r bed?

JACK : N0 : E,necially not thet one . . . . . Ar,d romember,'I went

everybody to be on their best behavior . MARY : M, Don't 'aorry, Jack .

JACK : (CA U[[ ,Y) I don't w~ant,.- you jverdo ing it eithe r( . .act ne,tural . . and don't be nervods„just because btr . Hahn is the sponsor and he---

(30UM) : DOOR BULZhR)

JACK : lf~i4~! THAT'S HIM NOLtl . . .STAND AT A7"PFIJTION, F.'VERYBODY . . .1

N6:AN, SIT D04'JN . . . . ROCHfSSTFZt, ANSVlFS2 THE DOOH . ROCH : YNS SIri .

(SOUND : FEW FOOTSTEPS . . .POOR OPENS) RG

HT}{01 0313b52 -I3-

A.AHN : Pardon me, does Jack Do.-my live here?

ROCH ; YfiS SIR . . .COMG' RIGHT IN~?.»v

JACK: Look, kids, it's Mr~Pau7. Hahn . A-one, a-two : GANG : (SING) FOR HF:'S A JOII~y GOOD F'~idpP/, FOR Hli'S A JOLLY GOOD Fyi!1SAW, FOR HN :'S A JOLLY GOOD FP;Idd.L0000RM1dM1Yv7, AND HE'S CUR SPONSOR, TOO . DLNNIS : AND I65'S OUR SPONSOR, TOO . AND Hh : DFTMIS ;~Co e right In, Mr . Itahn, ;'S-JACK come right in .

IWHN : Thcmk you . That was quite a reception you gave me . ,

JACK :I~four cont, Mr . Hahn, coat, coat, coat, coaC, coat, may I„IIelp Q you off with your coat?

(SOUND : PING) JACK : Oops ),,should have waited till you unbuttoned it . . . .Ha I>T hs . . . ~~,. . "16-k..... NI,+ . Hahn, you know everybody .

HAHN : Of cour :e, of coarse, glad to see you all . GANG : (AD LID GRF :'.TINGS) JACK: R'ell . .we might as well go in the living room . .this way, Mr . Hahn . HAHN : Thank you . (SOUND : FOOTSiI?5)

HAICV : Say . .tMs is a love].y home you have hero, Jack . ;-" tl,4.u. JACK : S'm glad you like it . . .it's _neaj!IZ paid for, too, . .about

another year oughta do it . .(SILLY LAiNiH) . . .Yup . . .Yes sir : . . . .

Now, before we have dinner, Mr . Hahn, perhaps you'd like son~ paZch . H.AHN : Don't mend if I do . J' Ll, JACK : Uh uh uh . . . . give me your cup, I'l .l dip some up for you .

(SOUND : TINKLE OF GLASS, SWISH THROUGH WATFtt . . . THFSV PIAP WITH SPLASH) RG

faT};01 0313653 -14-

JACK : Oops, dropped your cup in the punch bowl . Aasn't that silly of ine? . . . . Now what'11 I do? "1hRY : Anybody got z rubber glove?

JACK : Mary : You laiow, Mr . Hahn, Mary always has to be the comedlenne . .,She never lets up . :WQIN : C Yes, she's a very clever girl . Incidentally, Miss Livingstone, J"I want to tell you how much nly wife and I enjoy you on the program .

MARY : 40ell, thank you, Mr . Hahn . HAHN : You not only have a lovely singing voice, but where did you Searn to yodel like th3t? MPRY : Yodel? JACK : Mr . Hahn, you're thinking of Judy Canove,

HAHN : Oh yes . I'm terribly sorry, Miss Livingetone .

JACKNLd,That's all right, Mr . Hahn, forget it . . .any one can nalce e misteke, I always say . .huh, Mary, huh . . huh, idrirry? MARY: Oh, shut up . JACK : Yes sirl HAHN

: 4Ve11 . : see you have my picture right over t .`.c .9_rep]ace . JACK : Yes sir . . .It's been up there for months . It's a wonderful2 picture of Mr . Hahn, ic:n't it, kids?

DENNIS : I liked him better when he was sitting on the white horse . JACK: (NfHISPER) Denni .s : .

DENNIS : Side saddle yet . ~ ('~ ,v.i~,i., JA C K : ('PIHISYisT2Sy`"yI told you, don't talk, just sing .

Pfr, E . : Hey, Paul, you better lap up sonie of this punch . JACK : Peul ;

fNHN : Thanks, Phil, this time I'l1 p;et it nryself .RG . t

faTh01 0313654 -14A-

PHIi .: It's good stuff . It's called Mission Punch . One swallow `

und you fl y back to C .pistrano . He hA ha . . .OH HARRIS, YBt~RE

1'f[}s R'rASON FOR ilAYLIG}lT SAVING TIMIi . , PEOFR,E CAN SF:I: YOU FOR

ON1? HOUR IqSdGF1t . ynN . A4 ,q -.. JACK : Hm . Mr . Hahn, I must apologlze for Phil, he's very corny .

!?TH01 0313655 -15- HAHIJ: On the contrary . I think Phil has a great sense of humor . JACK: Oh, he has, he has! . . .And ha's so sophisticated . You know, Mr . Hahn, sometimes that Philai~Aoy has mo in stitches . HAHN: Me, too . PHIir. L'oy, Paul, did you hear the one about the old uwid that put a bear-trap under her bed and caught a bear?

PH1L & HAHN: (H07Ri L1UGH)

JACK: (JOINS IN) SAg ; Phil, that's a pip .`f.I was 11opin,g you'd

tell that one . . .You know, Mr . Hahn, he's a riot .

HAHN : He certainly is

: (ASIDS) Say Jack-. MAAY

JACK : What?

MARY: If the boss Iikes that kind of stuff, you've got nothing to worry about . ~ya~..c ~.w JACK: (Quiet, Maryl)~. .You know, Mr . Hahn . . .Iiennis, stop standinj~

onyouur head_nobod_y's loo~kingat g~ . .You know, Mr . Ha

one thing about this gangY.tero's no jealousy or friction

here . We've been one happy little family under the same

sponsor for seven yoars . .1 mean six years . .I was thinking of

next year. .hm hm he he ha hal

HAHN : (LAUGHS) JACK : Yes s1r!

DON : 4-Jack Is right, Mr . Hahn, we do have a good time together and ,r„tseally enjoy our work .

flT5S01 0313656 -16-

HAHN : Well, you always soun3 Like it, too . . . . And now that we're on the subject, Jack, I'd li.ke to tell you how good your shows have been this year . JACK : Oh . .that's very kind of you, Mr . Hahn . . . .Of cow~se, they could heve been much funnier . HAHN : Then why weren't they? JACK : I mean . .I meany . . .M7ary, say something .

MA,RY : (YODE13) 0-le-o-ley-ee-oo : .

JACK : M11ory~ Iea ~ Mr . HaIa;1 whs t I rea lly n :ean 3>?---

PIiIL : Hey kids, he's stuck for an answer . . .e-one . .a-two :

GANG : (SINGS) FOR HE,'S A JOLLY GOOD FFLJAWl, FOR HIs"S A JOLLY GOOD FFS.IABI, FOR HEI'S A JOIJ.Y GOOD FP:LLL000CWWVNN, ANI) }CF;' S OUR SPONSOR, T00 .

DFJNNIS : AIM HA:'S OUR SPONSOR TOO, AND HT'S <' 1 a ) JACK : Der.nis : . . . . Stop that . ROCH : DINNE:R IS SFRVED . . .THFYF.'S A LOT THIS TIME, FOL~CS, SO DON'T RUN . OANG : (AD LIH : BOY, BOY, FOOD . . . . ETC .) JACK : Marylrly7o go with Mr . Hahn . . .Come on, everybody, dinner is served :

(TRANSITION MUSIC) JACK: Mr . Hahn, will you a e'another shrimp cocktail? Olives? Celery? Pickles?

HAHN : No thank you, Jack, I think I'll just wait for the next course . .But~J will. hove a cigarette : ~'rci.garette . . .cigarette . .cigsrette . . .There. JACK you ere>CSee, it's

a Lucky Strike . .Yes sir : . . . . L 5/M F T . . I. S/ D4 F T .,LUcky

Strike means fine tobecco . .so round, so fim, so flilly

packed, so free and eesy on the draw .

A1'}{01 031365? _17_ HAHN : Thet's right, Jack . . . Now may I have a match? JACK : Wtch, .x^,tch . .match match match, . .match mtch?

(SOUND : MATCH6S SRAKING IN A BOx)

JACK : Just a second, just a second- . .Ugh . . .ugh . . .Dsrn it, why won't w .,~R"~ this match light? ~

MARY: You're striking it on the chopped liver . ~nn nh

(SOUND : MATCH STRUCK ON PIJX)

JACK : There you are, Mr . Hahn, there's never a rougJi puff in a

Lucky . . . . Come on, everybody . . .a-one, e-two!

GANG :v'"`" -1U", Vh:R A ROUGH PUFF IN A I7JCKY!

JACK:~ By the way, Mr . Hahn, I've been thinking . . .It's so silly of ~~ \ yrou..,t,~o stay at o hotel while you're in towa .,I have en extfis- i ti, room ond`$ou. could just as weLll stay et rV house, .lsry,VC'~ hot

right, kids? ! PHIb : Vlny not, he can pa i~p his expense ac

JACK : Phil, I wouldn't think of •cl~ging_Mr .` Hehn . After al] ., he's?

my boss . .and I hope he will b¢ ~ I . ha ha he ha! . . . . . Yes s1rT-

DPINNIS : (SINGS) I'VFl GOT - 'A`IAVNIY BUNCH OP Ci .TV~:t ' o~rnr?,auve unr~-n r.rvu aVlvu~; Httb n1.HVx AIVll Bl,~UN

JACK : (WH1JSPyR ) "~ Dennis, what are:you doing? UENN]S : ( knA1SPPS2) You told me to sing . JAC !/hook k1d I meant tY»t----- ~ _.~_._.,.~_...".,...... ,~...... ».v...... _._..._...,_., ....:,.._...s..,,,-. a...... _._,. ROCH : OKAY,` ftVFRYNODY, HERE'S THF SOUP!

DON : Oh boy, soup!

JACK : Wait o minute, Rochester, serve Mr, Hahn first . As a matter of fact, since I'm the host, I'1]1 serve him myself . Rochester, 1'll take the soup tureen . You put the other things on the tanie . RG t1Ti;04 C1313656 -18- ROCH: BUT, BOSS--

JACK: Don't argae, .give me the soup tureen . . ROCH : OKAY, HERE . JACK: Ouch ; It's hot! -It~s=lt667 Whoops! (SOUND : GLASS CRASH WITR SPILLING SOUP) JACK : Oh, my goodness! MARY : Jack .,Jack, you spilled the soup on Mr . Hahn : DENNIS : (SINGS) WE'RE POOR LITTLE SFfr:EP WHO HAVE LOST OUR JOBS, BAA BAA BAA: .q ti mce JACK: p I4nnis, shut up :, . .Forgi .ve me, Mr Hahn, I'm terribly sorry J- I spilled the soup on you . HAHN : Oh, that's all right, QLis..auit ..SS..rubned-szyiway.. . Whi.3e I was .wal.kings over.. herai=I--tore'-a-hole-in-the-imee"^Nhem'I slipped-on_some .xose-petals .

9RCK! Oh, . .,oh> ..:,sWell.i ..oome--~ony,>ea+erYhodY-..aooser~.3!oun.;.ba1La, t3aerer-ep3eaty^vT'Yaa;^on-tke .~teb7,a, Hero, Nx . Hahn, have some-option . .I mean have some potatoes, . . Here you are, HAHN : T'hanks . . .you know, Jack, it's amazing how much you look like

Eddie Cantor .

JACK: Eddie Cantor? .

PHIL: Jackson, loosen your tie, your eyes are popping out . JACK: Oh yes yes . .There, that's better . MARY: No it isn't, you're bleeding again : M.ary, stop mixing me up, will you? . JACK

HAHN : My, but you're ji.ttery today, Jack .J I've never seen you act this way before . JACK: Well, I ., .T haven't been feeling very well, and-- PHIL: Look, Paul, I'll give you the whole thing In a nutshell . . . Jackson's worried about--

F7t}!01 0313 65 9 -19-

JACK : PHIL -I'LI, HANDLE IT : . . .You just mind your own business .

HAHN : Jack, may I have a word with you? JACK: Huh?

HAHN : I know that a homo is not the proper place to talk business . .

but, . .

JACK: Oh, that's all righth„It's 9u1te all right to discuss it in

my home . . . . Go ahead, go ahead .

HAHN : Well, I have something on my mind . .and I think a men should

know where he stands . .

JACK : (BHEAKING VOICE) Stands?

HAHN : Now mind you, this is not a rash decision . . .We've had several meetings concerning your radio programs of the past

season ; tiad kuG JACK: )A i caA make them funnier, Mr . Hahn . .honestly, I can . .Mr, A I` ~-~ Hahn~ howb can you do this to me . .i'm not as young as I

usod to be . .You lmow, I'm thirty-nine, Mr . Hahn, think it ; ~G.o-,i over . .please,,,Mr . Hahn, please . "rk~

HAHN : Jack, there's nothing to think over . .Lucky Strike Ss

picking up your option . JACK: It isn't just for myself, 1t's . . . . V)hat? HAHN: I said, we're picking up your option .

JACK: You're . .picking up . .my . . . .,Wait a minute, Mr . Hahn, :.E : .HOW D0YOU KNCW I'M AVAILAB HAHN: &-!Aut, Jack --

JACK: We'll talk about it tomorrow . .and in the agency . .NOT IN MY HONE . . .Come on, kids, let's eat : (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF)

Dx

/3iX01 0313[C;0 -20-

JACK: La dies and gentlemen, to those of you who live along the

route of our personal appearance tour, I want to say that

tonight we are playing in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, . Tomorrow

night, May 22nd, in Peoria, Illinois . . Tuesday night, P1a7

'8Aa3, St . Louis, Missouri . ., Wednesdayw3*t, Afey+B.4lh,

Indianapolis, Indiana ., Thursday Grand ~'.cC .~-e, .h... Rapids, Michigan . . Friday al~t, NaymLY~Ch ; Dctroit„ .

Saturday;"Iswyr~0lr, Toledo, Ghio ., and next Sunday night

in the Public Auditoriuny in Cleveland . . . Wetll be seeing you and I hope you'll be seeing us . (APPLAUSE)

D 3N:"----3acttwmt33.--be-traetr3 s 11011 , ---

DCN : Ladies and gentlsnen, CARft food packages have bben improved

and increased aith more meats and fats that mean he3th to

hungry children and families overseas . Twenty-two and one-

half pounds of life giving food for ten dollars . Delivery

guaranteed . Send your contribution to non-profit CARF., Los

Angeles or New York . Phat' s C .A .R .g„ CARF., Los Angeles or

Nex York .

(APPLAUS6R)

Jack 'nill be back in just a moment, but first --

I

Rlht)1 031 :966 1 THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAY MAY 21, 1950 (TRANSCRIBED MAY 4, 1950) CLOSIN~, COfV4:RC1AL

HIESI'AND : In a cigarette mildness arnT-atw,ymottt-go-together, Sd

light up a Lucky because .r[Y-*t <

SHARBUl'T : Lucky 80nko-io-n~iauer, Yes, scienti/T ic tests prove

Lucky Strike is milder than an~ othe,r_ principal brand of cigarettes! ~

HIF.STAND: These scientific tests are confirmred by,independent consulting laboratories, and they prove ,,,

SIWtDUPT : Lucky Strike mildest of six major brands tested .

HIRSTAND: And no wonder : It takes fine tobacco to make a fine cigarette -- and ., .

SHARBUTT : I.S - N5T

LS- *`I'

H1F.SPAND: Lucky Strike meana fine tobacco . . . fine, light, naturally mild tobacco,

:~r+w~ei.,c.1~^~~~~~q v~ncL SNARRU'1'T : ,9a16r~ a milder-tasting / cigarette with never e' r4gg

puff em oke e Lucky . You'11 enjoy the smooth, rich

taste of Luckies ' fine tobacco . You i

scientific tests prove ll prove to yourself what. . . Lucky Strike is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettes : Try a carton of Lucky Stri .ke :

AS

RT X'0 1 0313662 , (TAG) -21- rj K : Well, kids, that was a pretty good dinner we had tonight,i,

and I think Mr . Rahn enjoyed it, Too bad he had to leave`

\o early . . . ROCHESTER, COME CLEAR THE TAHL,E, j,

ROCR: JU5Y.\_A MINUPE, BOSS, I'M PU1"PING LADY GCDIyA •BACK OVER THEj FIRE P JACK: Oh yes yes .1 And folks, be sure toftune in next Sunday nibht

for our final bt dcast of the spason . . . And sincerely Id `i . i want to thank the Ar Q rican Tpbacco Company for picking up my option . . . How did t'hW know I was available . . . Come on,

Mary, I'll take youh,~

(SOUND: LOOR,OPENS ., SL

JACK : Whoops : , ~ ( SOUND ; : ~BODY THUD)

JACK : Usrn those~rose potals, . Goodnight, folk~,, (APPLAUSIO AND M475IC)

JACK : Ladi a and gentlemen, CARE food packages have be n improv d

anfl increased with more meats and fats that moan liqalth t~ z/hungry children and families overseas . Twenty-two ah~ one-half pounds of life giving food for ten dollars . .

Dollvery guaranteed . Sond your contributi .on to non-prof i t CARE, Los Angeles or New York . That's C .A.R.E ., CARE,

,_~cQ . ...or.. .New.7- ._~York ...... u... _ ...... (APPLAUSF~~ u aP"' ~'c . DON : Be sure to hear Dennis Day in "A Day In The Life of Dennis

Day" . .Stay tuned for the Amos 'n' Andy Show which follows

Srmnedlately . . . THIS IS C .B .S . THN~ COLdID7BIA BROADCASTING SYSl'EM . ~,.. ANNOUNCFRe The Jack Honqv show with Jack and the 'en£t< gang will be back

next Sunday at this same time over these same stations . This in C .B,S . TNF COLUMBIA BROADCASTING SYSTFEI . I

FiTh0 1 03136 63 PROGRAM # 38 RF.VISFA

ABC15 ASANIl?ftl~ d a0TOSA_CQg_ONP_A.N_Y T LU(,~s_Txi~

M. _aacx B~mn _r_aocruns

SUNDAY, MAY 28, 1950 CBS 4 :00 - 4 :30 PM PDT

Transcribed May 11, 1950 .

AL

HiYS01 031 ;.i6E4 THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNI]1Y M4Y 28, 1950 (TRANSCRIBFD MAY 11, 19j0) OYENIN~+ COMh4RCIAL

SHARBUTT : THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM . . . transcribed . .presented by

LUCKY STRIKE!

RIGGS : (CHANT -- 60 to 62 -- SOLD AMF7tICAN)

SHARBU'1"r : Luckies' are milder : -- Smoother and milder -- with never a rough puff .

HIF,STANll : Yes, scientific tests prove - Lucky Strike is milder than

any other principal brand of cigarettes .

SHARBUTT : These scientific tests are confirmed by three independent consulting laboratories end they prove . . .

HIFSTANU : Lucky Strike mildest of six major brands tested .

SHARSUTT : There's no doubt, when you light up a Lucky, you got a

smoother-smoking, mildor-tasting cigarette . And . . . you enjoy the rich taste of fine tobacco because . . .

HIDSTANll : IS - MFT

SAARBUTT : Lucky Strike moana fine tobacco . . . fine, light, naturally mild tobacco that gives you more real deep-down smoking enjoyment .

HIESTAND : So for the rich taste of fine tobacco . . . for snaothness and mildness with never a rough puff . . . light up a Lucky:

Yes, prove to yourself what scientific tests prove --

Lucky Strike is milder then any other principal brand of

cigarettes . Make your next carton Lucky Strike ; sK

R1 XCt1 0313665 -18:2- (FIRST HOUTINE) (OPP .PlING ROUTINE) (AFTI;R CONM1fENCIAI„ MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK P,RNNY . .WITH MARY 11VINGSTON, PHIL HARRIS, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, AND "YOURS TRUI:Y " DON WILSCN .

(APPLAUSE . . . MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : LADIES AND GENTLF.MEN . .RIGHT NOW OUR ISITLE STAR IS TRAVELING

THROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY ON A PERSONAL APPE:ARANCE TOUR .

TONIGHT HE I S IN CLEVN:'LAND, OHIO . SO LET US TAKE YOU TO

THE CIVIC AUDITORIUM, TO JACK ' S DREISSING ROOM .

JACK : Rochester -- Rochester : (SOUND : DOOR OPENS)

ROCH : (CAINII .Y) JUST A MINUTE BOSS, I'M PUTTING A STAR ON YOUR DRESSING ROOM DOOR . JACK : ~f,Good, good .

NOCH : YES SIR . WHL.'N PEOPLE LOOK AT THIS DOOR, THEY~~ NOT ONLY

KNOW THAT YOUIRE THE STAR OF THIS S}[OW . .BUT ''ALSC F8V91i-43t#F`-Y`OU*RE FROM CALIFORNIA . JACK : They wil .l?

ROCH : YEAH, I MADE THE STAR OUT OF AN ORANGE PE n

: Stop~ing silly . (Making a star out of an . JACK orange peel .) . . Comepin here :

ROCH : JUST A MINUTE . .WAIT TILL I LIGHT THE SMUIIGE POT .

JACK: Never mind . Now, come in here and atraighten out my clothes . ROCH: YES SIR . . . (SOUND : DOOR ClqSES)

AL

R7YC09 0 3 136E 6 -3- JACK : By the way, did you clean the suit I wore in the last show? ROCH : YOU MRNN 19LE: ONE WITH TtIE ROSE IN THE LAPFS : That-s not a rose . . .Whlle I was playing my .? JACKviolin, aome

smart aleek hit mo with a tomato . .You know, Rochestor,

talking about tomatoes and oranges has made me hungry for

sonie fruit .

gOCH : WE:L1y LET'S WAIT AND SEE WHAT TFE NEXT SHOW BRINGS .

JACK : Yeah . .it's silly to buy it when people aro so generous . . . .rM Now, Rochester, straighten up my drosaing~tabl .e so that I

can . . . . (SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR)

Jf.CK : Come in . . . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) K}dARNS : Mr . Benny? JACK : Yes . KRARNS : My name is Kearns . I'm a reporter on one of the local papors . JACK : 1kHow do you do, Mr . Kearns .

KEARNS : How do you do . .Now Mr . Benny, would you mind giving na . some information about your persona7 . appearance tour? a- That is, whero do you go from hero?

JACK : Well . . .tomorrow night we'll be in Pittsburgh . .Tuesday

Buffalo . . .Wednesday Toronto . . Thursday Syracuae, Fridey

Montreal . .Seturday Itoston . .And next Stuiday, June 4th, at

Carnegie Hall S.n Nevi,York City, for the Damon Runyon Fund .,

and our last date, June .5th is i .n Scranton, Peiuis.ylvania ., .

An¢ then we sai .l for London to play the Palladiwn Theatre .

AI• A 1?401 03 1366 7 -4-

KF.ARNS : Well, you certainly have a heavy schedule . .with your radio program and a7.1

: Oh, no no . . .you. JACK see today I do my last ls&#c program of the season . KFARNS : Oh, I didn't know that . You know, I'm one of your regular listeners . .and I'l1 certainly miss youdw-dng the sunmrer . JACK : P d'Thsnk you .

ICEARNS : in fact, I'll miss your whole gang . JACK : U They 47 . be very happy to heer that . . KFIARNS :~rry,Mr . Benny, I just got an idea that would make a very Interosting story for my paper . Your cast has been with you for such a long time, IIm suro my readers would like to know how you first met each one of them .

JACK : Well . . .let's start with Mary . She joined me on the

radio about three months after I got started . I was

in Los Angeles at the time . .almost eighteen years ago . . .

I happened to step into the May Company . .as a matter of

fact, I bought this shirt I,m wearing . .they give guarantees

you know . .Anyway, it was in the l .atter part of ].932 . .I

had purchased my shirt . 1 gave the man a dollar and was waiting for my change . (PRANSITION MUSTC . ."MARY")

(SOUND : DFPART6 ENT STORE NOISRS)

AL

RiX 0 1 0313668 -5- JACK : I don't know why they always have to go upstairs to got

the change . . Oh well . . . (SINGS) Just a gigolo . . . everywhere I go . .people know the part IPm playing . . . Gee, that's a catchy new tune . .ta ta ta ta ta . . . .ta ta . . Hey, look at that beautiful girl behind the hosiery . ). Vd,cu.lv countor . . .What a chicken : ,.1J think she's ]ooking at me, too . (STARTS TO FADE) ,,,After I get my change, II1l go over and try to date her up .

BRA : Say Mary, Mary . .

MARY : What is it, Talulah?

SRA : Look at that guy over thero, he,s starin, at you . MARY : Where?

RFA : Right over there at the shirt counter . .Say, he looks

kinda prosperous, don't he? .

MARY ; How can you te11 . .With those boll bottom pants, he might

~~ be barefoot . .Look at him~wiN.nking at us . .rr3tlr.~CtF~"'yee . BRA : And get a load of that straw hat ho's wearin', with the V^ bright rod ribbon on it .

MARY : Yeah and look what it says on it "The Waukegan Kid" . .Hey, Talul.ah, he's tipping his hat at us . . SFA : Yeah, he's got the string in his pocket . MARY : ~,Wait a minute, he's coming over here . HEA : no you want me to take hini, Mary? MARY : No, no, I can handle him .

JACK : (FADING IN, SINGING) JUST A GIGOLO . .N:VFSiYWHF.RE I GO . . PROPIR, KNOW THFI PART I'M PLAYING .

BRA : Look he's walking like Theda Sara .

AL

R1 90 1 03 13E69 -6-

MARY : Yeah, .

JACK : (HUMS : Just a gigolo, everyvl+esag~ ) . . .Hello kiddo, where've you been all my life . MARY : (SARCASTIC) Avoiding it .

JACK : Hey, you're sharp . .I like !ny-tomatoos with a little spice . .

Ha ha ha! . . .Say, baby, what's your name? MARY : Mary .

JACK : Mary what? . . .Qui.te contrary?

MAPiY : (Oh brother, is this guy corny!)

JACK : What was that?

MARY : look, m y name is Mary Livingstone, I was born in Plainfield,

Now Jersey, I know I should be in pictures but I l m happy here at the May Company, and they think I'm a very good

sat.esgir7., now_wpat do you want?_ JACK ; Wait a minute, wait a minute, take it easy . . .You got me wrong baby . . .Don't you know who I ani? MARY : No, thrill me .

JACK : Wsl] take a grip on the counter, baby . .because I'm going

to enl .ighten you . . .I happen to be Jack Benny

: Well, what do you know! . . . . HKY TALULAH, HE7'S . MARY JACK BENNY HFA : (LITl'iF' OFF) Wi30'S JACK HENNY?

MARY : I IAN'T KNOW, ASK HIM . .

JACK : Aw, you're kiddin', you know who I am . .You oughta go out

with me . .I've been on the radio three months .

MARY : So what . .My lamp's been on the radio three years, and I won't go out with that either .

AL

A1-}i07 0 :a736f'U -7-

JACK : Your lamp . . .Say, you ' re pretty fast on the trigger . . .

What are you doin ' working here in a department store? . You shou7 .d be on the radio . MARY : WHAT DID I TF1 .L YOU, TALUi.Att . . .I KNHtd IT WAS COMING .

JACK : What?

MARY : My mother told me thereId be men like you, but .1 thought

they'd be much younger .

JACK : 63uch q~ . . .Sa,y, you-re terrific . .I-isten, baby . .you-ve got everything it takes . .good looks, a nice speaking voice,

and what a personality! MARY : (GIGGLP]S . .TkiEN QUIVF.RING) II11 bet you tell that to all the gi.rls .

JACK : No, I don ' t . MAf1Y i : . •. ::,"('LAUGHS}~.~,

JAOK: ...... °}+ha•E' trro-yoe~ .,,l~u2'Jattlg.,&,t,9.

MARY : --~Thei-soay`youlze`le9iting'•orr the ..eounter .

JAOK: . .. .---•Why4'

MARY :--•lt^s

you oughta be on the radio with me . . .l'll. get you places . . .

You'll be a big star : .

MARY : Say . . .youlre no~t/ ~k,ti~ddi.ng, are you? JACK : Of course not~Vhy don't you meet me toni.ght for dinner, and

we I ll talk things over? (MARY

TRANSITION MUSIC)

JACK : And that, Mr . Kearns, is how I found Miss Livingstone .

A rx 01 03136 ; j Kd,ARNS : That's a very interesting story, Mr . Benny : JACK : Thank you . 4- KFARNS: Don Wilson yra been with you for a long time too, hasn't he? ~ JACK : Yes, I don't knwwhat I'd do without Donsy . . .BUt . . .I4u. - (Gi,007;F;5) There was one year when I really got mad~ at him . . .(FADINO) It happened in 19L6 . . .It was the opening a1wa of that season .

(TRANSITION . .,"OIBLNING THE7FP . .FADE) JACK : Well, Don, here vie are at the start of another season . DON : That's right, Jack . How does it feel to get back in the groove?

JACK : kf4, To tell you the truth, I'm a little excited . I've got a nervous stomach . DON : I know just how you feel, Jack . I've got a nervous stomach too .

JACK: Well . . .you're just about thirty inches more nervous than I am ., .But you'll be all right . Say, Don, have you got everything all set for your part of the prograni? . . . You know, just the way you want it? DON : I sure have, Jack, ygd I took the liberty of hiring a quartet to work with me during the conmerci .al,

JACK : A quartet? Well, that sounds novel . DON : Jack, 1 thought it was so novel that I put them under contract for eight weeks . .,and it'l7. only cost you five hundred dollars a week . . .That isn't too much, is it?

P?7H01 0313672 -9-

JACK: Why DO . . .I mean nO,, .I moan . .,Lnn, that quartet must be sensational for that kind of money

: Oh, they are, Jack .1 ~Ibis will start. DGN a new style in

radio . Talking cownerci .als with a big vocal background . You'll be crazy about it : 1 know . .,but fi.ve hundred. JACK dollars . . .We11, if it's as good as you say, it mlght be worth it . Can I hear them now?

DON : Why certainly, Jack . Say .fellows, come on up to the microphone .

JACK: ILm . . .ni.ce-looking boys . Okay, Don, let's hear this musi.cal co:mnprcial .

DON : Okay . Ready, boys . I, S, M F T . .I. 5, M F T . . . .YES SIR . . .

YOU BEP . . .LUCKY S1'RIKE MEANS FINE TOBACCO . YES. . .LUCKY

STRIKE MEANS FINE TOBACCO .

QUART : (ONE NC/L'E)

DON : YES, LADIES AND GENTLr7qE;N, IN A CIGAREM'E IT'S THEI

TOBACCO THAT COUNI'S . . .AND LUCKY Sl'RIKE tqF;ANS FINE

TOBACCO . S0 ROUND, SO FIIiM, SO FULLY PACKED . . .SO FRF.E;

AND EASY ON THE I3tP1V .

QUART : (ONE NOTE A LITTLF HIGHE:R) DON : LUCKY STRIKNS ARE MADE OF THAT FINE, THAT LIGHT, THAT

NATURALLY MILD TOBACC0 . . .50 FOR REAL DF1SP MNu'N SMOKING

ENJOYMftM` . . .SMOKI? THAT SNOKE OF FINE TOBACCO . . . . LUCKY

STRIKE .

QUART : (TWO NOTES)

W1

fll- 110 1 0 373613 / -10-

~ 'N~.~ JACX: "'s For this I'P.F, ~.ing five hundred dollars?

IYJN : Yes .

JACK : Ibn . . .Don . . .Moby Uick . . .Get them out of here : t6-1t4'f i `lu-it~ DON : ^15on t get excited, Jack . They can really sing . Give them another chance .

JACK: Ple1l . . .okay . . .but they bettor sing good .

DON : yL , They will, Jack . All ri.ght, follows, take it . (INTRO TO 'ffi,UF DAIVUHli" )

On*h : L S, M F T

TRIO : PUFF PUFF , PUFF PUFF .

ONR : L S, M F T

TRIO : I JI.'F PUFF, PUFF PUFr'

ONF: : I,M, N 0 P

TRIO : PUFF PUFF, PUFF PUFF

ONE : OH, ROSllRT L . LEM JACK: Robert E . Lee : . ~ TRIO : PiiFF PUFF, PUFF PUFF ONN; : F T L S M

TRIO : MLti: MLti:, 6'Q{ MF; JACK : 1'Tnet's that;_

Oid7i : M . . . OR CHfsR,^.FLr`h LA F'I N: _ ._. _ . __._. ._-__ E, TRIO : OUT OUI, OU1 : OUT

QUART : L S M F T I.A LA LA LA LA M F T, LA LA LA LALLA LA

THAT'S TRF' BMOKI!; OF SMOKFS FOR ME . LA LA LA (ORCHF73TRA CONPINUE]S)

OW

Iii'1iC)1 0913Gi'4 -0].-

(QUAR7hI' WALT'l,Fa WITF! EP.GH OI'FLdR SINGING LA LA LA LA)

JACK: Sl'OP WAi,TZING . . .Sl'OP PlALTZING . . .IlOYS, STOP DANCING 1~43~kA0t1~3}tER . Wait a minute . . . Woit a m7.nute! . . . WAIT A NIIQUPE . . .INAIT A MIIlUl'E :

(AFPER LAUGI :, APPLAUSE~ _~~-~ _ -~~~-_~

ow

AI'h01 0 313E75 _72 _

(SrOJNN ROUTI NE ) l, (f~ w JACK : And that,AFftr ;-Reerns, wns why T got so mad at Don

Wilson „But I really shouldn't have because today the

Sportsmen Quartet is really qui .te successihl, As a matter

of fact, right nosu they're appearing at the Fairmount

Hotel in San Francisco .

Ah7AWVS: Oh then you like the quartet now, 4! JACK: Yes yes ,.when they sing, it's so soothing because it,-~

drowns out Phil Harris's orchestra .

KFAftNS: 1 lmow what you mean . And now that you mentioned Phi .l, ~MLr~.,,~Flenny, how did you ever find him anyway? JACK : ~~,~~~'4Jola .,,it wes about fourteen years ago . . .(FADING) One evening Mary and I were taking a walk down Figueroa Street .,,,

~ (SOUND:FOdPSTIiPS) ~

JACK: Say, Mary, we've walked quite a ways, . ;',. .Aefore we catch

the bus back home again, would you like to step into this

nightclub and relax a little?

67ARY : What night club?

JACK: This place ri.ght here . . . . they've got a band and

everything . .,And look at that poster on the wall . . .

"PHIL HARRIS AND THE 9dFJa'1'P :ST MUSIC THIS SIDE OF THE

HYPEHION OUTFAIL ."

M1MRY : Phil Harris? I never heard of him . And.what a night

. club . . .this is an awful joint,,,l don't want to go here .

001

RTH 0 1 0313 6 i' (1 -13-

JACK: Well look, Mary, I'm looking for an orchestra leader for my program . Maybe this guy will be the one . . .Come on, let's go i.r : But Jack, it's way . MARY down those stairs .

JACK: What's the difference . Let's go down anyway . . . . . and

watch your step, ,ui,;l,~ .u_,w

(SOUND: HOLLGJ] FOOTSTEPS WAL,]CLNG I[A!N STAIRS . . . . ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON ANI) ON . . . "

STOP ON CUE ...... )

JACK : (PANTING) Let's rest . . . .If 2 go down any farther, I'1]l get the bends .

MARY : I think we hit bottom, Jack . . . .here's the door . JACK: Oh yes . (SOUND : IX)DR OPENS)

(LOUSY BANI) PLAYING Lh4T BIT OF CHORUS OF "MUSIC GOES ROUND" . . . . CORNY END)

(SOUND: M1-EN APPLAUD SLOWLY . . .THEN SOUN]J OF` LIGHT . CRGWD NOISES AND TIMC,{.L OF GLAS$ES)

JACIC We11 . . . . that guy Harris M5avs all the new tunes . .

MARY : vYEeah, but how can people dance on that bare ground?

JACK : /~~]'1 `h y probably sprinkle it with water to make it slippery

andit helps keep the dust down, too . . . .Let's find a table . b1AFY : uAlaybe that man will get us one . JACK : Oh yes . . .Pardon me, are you the wffi ter?

a^]

RiH01 0313G ;,7 -].4-

NEi.SON : Well what do you think I am with this napkin over nV arm . . . .

a new father?

JACK : Oh, I'm sorry, but you're dressed too nice to be working in a joint like this : Oh you mcan these striped. NPILSON }ants and this Prince Albert coat . . . . .Well, you see, I wear these clothes on nlv other job . JACK: Other job? MzISON : Yes, I'm an tmdertaker's assistant .

JACK: Oh . NEISON : It was my idea to put the candles on the tables . JACK: Hnmmi . ~ _pv~~_ NF.160N9iFNow would you like ra-~t•~efind a table and lay you out---- I mean seat you? JACK : Yes, please . Come on, Mary . NETSON : Here you are . (SOUIuI) : SCRAPINO OF CHAIRS)

NE:LSON : Now what would you like to eat? : Nothing, thank you, we just came in to hear the band . JACK .SON : We).]., you mi.ght as well order somthing, there's a thirty-. NES five cents ndnimum .

JACK : Thirty-five cents? . .Well, I'll have a chicken sandwich and ~ ~a~ combination salad .

MARY : ~~ ~^~'7'lI . have a steak sandwich and French fried potatoes . NEISONt Anything to drink? JACK : No . NFSSON ; You might as well, you got fifteen cents to go .

VR

(3i}{o7 03136i6 F ~~~ 15- , °X/-` JACK: Oh . .Well, bring us coffee . .(Imagino, that waiter an undertaker's assistant) . MAF.Y : Jack, look . .the show is about to start . JACK : Good, Ihn anxious to hear this guy Phil . Harris, (DRUM ROLL AND CY~h~J~3~A.I,, CRASH) PHTh : (CORNY) HI YA, FOLKB .`!'N'EIGOM14,' TO OUR ISTTLE! CLUFt . .THIS I.S YOUR ORC1[ESTRA LFADER AND MASTER OF CF7iEMONIES . .THE ONE AM) OM,Y PHIL HARHIS .,,ARE YA GLAD TO SFE h4:?

(SOUM) : THREE MEN APPLAUD SLOWLY)

PifIL : WFJ,L . .WF. GOT A NICE CROWl) HF7fE TONIGHT .

JACK: ~j (Mary~h ,'s got a niee personality, )

MARY : l/(We'11 see .)

PH7:L: AM: SPFAKiN' OF CROWDS, FOLdL4 . .A FUNNY THING HAPFENNIJ TO ME

ON THE WAY TO THE CLUB TOD.AY . . . A GUY WALiG?D UP TO ME AND

SA1D, "HP:Y HARRIS, kMG~:RE'D YOU GET THti; BIACK FYE?" SO I

TOLD HIM IT WAS A BIRTH MARK . .AM) HE SAID,"A BIRTHf.MRK?" . .,

AMD I SAID, "YEAH, I GOT IN THt; WRONG HERTH!" NA HA HAHA

NO LADY, DON'T EXPIAIN IT TO HIM . . .IF HE DON'T GET IT, LB.T

HIM SUFFI.R, LFT HIM LAY THN;RP;.

JACK : Ha ha ha ha „Hey Mvey,~-doryou get it?

MARY : I got it a1.ll over me .

JACK : Shlih, qui.et .,he's good . PHIL : }~XAPItE'S ANGl'HFR ONE, FOId4S . .THIS'LS, FvMI3ALM YA! JACK: U Ha ha ha . .emb¢lm y¢ .

NkIISON : Did somebody call for me?

JACY.: . Quiet, quieb. He's gonna tell another joke .

W rs 01 0 313 s ?9 -I6-

PHTL: P,'iGF,I' THIS, FOL .RS . NIItf,: SING, YOU BUM! .

PHIL : THIiPJ? HAS BEEN A RE,Q,UNST THAT I SING, SO NOW I'M GONNA DO A

hUN4iEH I V;HOPB MiYSELP' 11, EN PITLF:D "THAT'S WHAT I LSKE ABOUl'

THE SOUTH ." (LOUSY INl'RO) PILIL: WON'T YOU COME WITH ~T, TO AIABAMdvIY I5T'S GO SPE MY DEAR OLS) MAh,'vY .

SHg'S FRY7.NG FGC:S AM) BHOIIJNG HAMW

AND TIIAT'S 4t71AT I LIKE ABOUT THE SOUTH . (BAND FINISH) PHIIr. R'NLS„ FOIMS, THAT CONCLUllES OUR FIRST SHOW, BUT DON'T GO c+mryEtsc 'WAY . .T}G:HF;'hL BE ANOTHF,K S$:Pd~A4Y4NRh SHOW IN }'IVE NTMJTNS .

JACK : Ha ha ha . .Say I+'ary, this guy is terrific . . He'd be great on the radio . . He's got something new, swnething different . MAHY : Oh, you say that every time you see a man with hair .

JACK: ~%g, I don't care what you think . . . . .I'm going to get him

over here . . . . Hey viaiter . . . . waiter . . NEISON : Yes?

JACK : Will you please bring the orchestra loader over to mp table?

NELSON : I'm sormy, he doesn't come with the thirty-five cent dinner .

JACK : Never mind the wisecracks, bring him over here .

NFIISON : All right, all right .

JACR : I don't Imow, Mary,""this guy Harris^has great-- SAHA : (NASAL) CIGAREFl'FS . .CIGAREI'TFS . . . . KE:S4PIE DOITS, GAHDF!iNIAS, AM) RAZOH BIADP5 .

11 1~ i

JACK: Lucky Strikes .

MARY : 1, Jack, do you smoke Lucky Strikes? JACK : Certainly, Mary, they're wonderful . . .And who can te11'( .I msy be working for them some day ., . .Oh by the way, Miss, what's that you've got on your tray there, tied up in pink ribbon?

SARA : That's a lock of Nr . Harris's hair, twenty cents .

JACK : . Oh . .Well, I don't want it .

SARA : You better take it . .This is the last one left, and we don't shear him again til.l the first of the month . JACK: No thanks just the same . SARA : Here are your Luckies .

JACK : Thank you . . . . . Say M2ry, she's kind of cute . M4RY : Oh, you fall for-- u JACK : Wait a minute, wait a minute ;~h e comes Phil Harris . PIC[L : Hey, I understand one of you cookies wants to see me .

JACK : Why yes, yes, sit down . .This is Miss Livingstone .

PHIL : 1q ,Hiya, babe .

JACK : And my name i.s Jack Benny . PHIL : Look, Bud, I ain't got much time . .What did you want to see me about?

JACK: Well, I wanted to talk to you about a job . PHIL : (f job? . JACK : Yes . PHIL : Can you wait on tables?

Ai?,' 01 0313681 L '-18- JACK : No-no, I don't mean thatv, .YOd •see ; I have a radio program,

and I'd like you and your band to be on Py show, Mr . Harri.s, PI[IL : Just call me Curly . JACK : Oh . PHIL : Till the first of the month . JACK : Bt;; oh yes, MFie cigarette girl told me~J .Now Mr, Harris . . . . radio is ad~ifferent typo of work . . .You read music, of course .

PHIL : Huh? JACK : notes, arrangements, .What's that on your music racks?

PFIIL : TP9iNIITFS, THE JOINP'S LOUSY WITH 'BM . . . . HA HA HA HA . . . .OH

HARRIS, HOW CAN YOU BE SO BRIGHT WHN7N IT'S SO DARK DOWN HE1RE .

JACK : You see, Nary, this guy's got a terrific sense of humor . .,

able he',~ probably be to write nti eAg~for me . . . . MARY : (WHI :SPERS) L'11 settle if he can just v .mite

: Now look Harris, I want you on rqy program . . .so. JACK if you'll meet me Sunday morning at the studio, we'll3 talk it over . . PH1L: Okay, I'll be there . . . HEY MAC, SPRINICIJS TIINI FIpOR AGAIN, THE CUSTOMEBS WANT TO DANCFI .,,, (TRANSITICN MUSIC :)

JACK : And that Nh• . Kearns, is how I met Phil. Harris . . f(FARNS : WeSl, that's quite a story . .And Km . Benny, just how did you

discover Dennis Iay?

JACK: Dennis Day? Well, to tell you the truth, Niasy discovered him.

RG

ii1H0'1 03736h2 -19- KFFlFiNS : Really? JACK: Yes . It was about ten years ago . .1 was l.ooking for a singer for approgram . .(FADiNG) . .and one day Mflry came rushing into my house, -

(SOUDIDt DOOR OPENS) hMRY : Jack . .,Jack-- JACK: R7g,ht here, Nhry, what is it? . M1A@Y : Have you found a new singer yet? JACK : No .

MARY : VJell ., I found one . Ilis name is Dennis Cay . Look, here's a picture of him . . . JACK : Say „ if the kid can sing, he's just what 1 want . . . .look at that face . . .those bright intelligent eyes . M?ty . ~p; 1av~'y3u'heas~A-hiarc°sing? Nv'V2Y : I have-a rac~rc'YV'ttiaf :"Fi'g"mad~o- ;' :;J4Gt 9.'nifriute,T'71 play -CIL &u-l ~a~~a .Vv .aw . /a.cy : .~t ~ far'ysu JACR-;Okay ., ..

(AFa:.tAU6h-)~..., (I7nNN28~~ SONG~_ . . (APPIAUSP:J'

RG

RiH01 . 0 313 60 3 -z0- (m~ Ro~INr;)~ ~- i JACK : ~.~he_n_mst be a hanony little kid,..-rh~recorded the applause and ev thin_ g .i ' MARY: Jack, did y/ou 1Jkc the~~~t~ct2~(•< .+f_`.e.. ,w-~'-~` ~• JACK : Yes~y; 1 think he's fine . ~`` MARY: -knew you'd like it . . . so I called his house and ~ told him to come right over so you could meet him ._ JACK: V7e17., Mary, when he gets here, let me do all the---

(SOIIND : KNOCK ON DOOR) NARY : 9L, Maybe that's him now . rComs Ia: 0V-a-4?x..eA~2ni W~~'0' (BOUNR DOOR OPENS)

DPNNIS : He)lo, Mr . Benny . M4RY : That's Mr . Benny over there . DFIINIS : Oh . JACK : Say, kid - DFNNIS : Yes, please?

JACK : Hmm. . .Say . .you're really polite, aren't you?

DENNIS : Oh yes . My mother told me never to be fresh to old folks .

JACK : Hm . .Now, kid,~how would you like to be on the radio?

DENNIS : ~J would like that very nrach . In fact, I'd like to get

any kind of a job . . .then I wouldn't have to let my father

cut my hair .

MARY : Your father cuts your hair? . DPIVNIS : Yeah . .Yesterday while he was giving me atrLn, he cut one of my ears off .

T

q 1 - 8 01 0373684 i -~1- JACK : Cut one of your ears off? . . .Wait a minute, kid . ..You've

got two ears . . ~I

DlialNIS : Now, yes . .(. R JACK : Hm . .~iary k. .Q .I ~~! ,~ MARY : But Jack, you can just ,~y~}r,i { to., ~ng . .ise.dbes f t "hsve 0" say anything . , .,l.

JACK : I guess so . Well, kid, how would you like to work on my ~~~L I program?

DI?NM9i4'l1 have to ask rtty mother first .

JACK : Your mother? ~D

DENNIS : She's right outside . I'1.lUce7.1 her . (SOU'QD : DOOR ~OY"FJJ : Oh, mother -- Yn.e.r~-('~NS DKNNIS

VFJ2TJF:-`-L'OP[I1PG .r .

DPaVNIS : Don't ndnd her greasy overalls, she just came from work . JACK : Oh .

(SOUND : DOOR CIqSLS : Mother, this is Mr . Benny) DB%4NIS .

VERNA : How do you do ? Ni c

an;J ,.Ud lA ke-UO'r-- (SOUND : HDAVY CIUNK )

JACK: (Hm, she had to Iut her pipe wrench on my piano .) VNRNA : Wnat are you nnambling about :

JACK: Mrs . Day, I'd like to have your son on my radio program .

TF'

F1Ii; 0 1 0313685 -?2_

VF32NA : OH, bIlt . B ENNY, YOU DON'T KNOW Vh1AT THIS Vj~:ANS TV US, . . JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO MY SON WAS NOTH] :NG . . .AND NOPIFT;'S TFHI STAR OF YOUR SHOW . JACK: Star?

VBRNA : HE'LL FIAVi? LINES TO R rA D .,,SONGS TO SING . . .HNI'LL HAVF7

HIS ONRV DRPSSING ROOM AND HFs'LL RA TRRATAD WITH THF, U1M0ST RFSY7SC'1' .

DENNIS : Yeah . .utmost .

JACK: Now look, Mrs . Day, I want your boy to be on my program . . but I just want him to sing a song .

VP.RNA : Are you trying to hold him dovm? My boy ja-t~ tal.ent!

He'll sing two songs or I'1--- JACK : Mrs . Day, pitt down that wrench!

(SOUAD: HFJIVY HI,UNK) JACK: Not on the pianol VhRNA : Don't shout at me!

JACK : Nobody Is shouti.ng, . .And you've got a lot of nerve invading ~ «

4FT{N.0. : Plhat's private about itJ, .You've got a lemonade stand on the lawn, a juko box in the living room, a pay phone in the hall, and a row of Bendix washing machines on the back porch .

DF,1WiIS : There's no business like show business .

JACK : Now, look Mrs . Day, if you went your boy to be on rqY program, just be at

my lawyer's office tomorrow morning . . D17VNIS : Gee, he's suing us already . JACK : I'm not suing you and,g_o TF !?1Y{01 0913686 -23-

KF:ARNS : (IAUGHING) That was qvite a story, Mr. Benny . And I

understand that through the years Dennis has learned to love you like a father . JACK : Yes, but his mother still hates me .

KBAIWS : By the way, Mr . Benny, while you're off the air for the

summer, who's gonna replace you?

JACK : 14, I'm glad you asked me that . . . . 41e have a wonderful show for

the sucmner . My time every Sunday will be filled by Guy

Lombardo and his orchectra••••end it's really e very~f 2e show . KF:ARNS : Oh yes, yes . Re's great : DOOR OPEa1S). (SOUND

ROCH : SAY BOSS, YOU'LL BFl ON IN A FEV MINVPFS . JACK : ~yThanks, Rochester . Well, I've gotta run along now, . Mr . Kearns . .Goodbye . . KE'ARNS : Goodbye, Mr . Benny .

(SOUND : DOOR CLOSES)

KFARNS : Say, Rochester, you've been with Mr . Benny for a].ong time, haven't you? .

ROCH : OH YES, ABOUT TWELVE YEARS . ~a. KNIAFWS : Twelve years . . .Say, thetls;a ]ong time . ROCH: YES SIR . KBARNS : Well, Rochester, I suppose your salary has increased considerably since you first started .

ROCH : WELL . . .Mf( . BE'MQY GAVE MI; RAISES FOR THE FIRST FOUR YN.ARS . . h ANll THEN SUDDENLY I ~P STOPPED . KEARNS : Why, what happened?

1'F

AT}{01 031368? _2 4 _

ROCH : HE AyIK7PPED MR . KtARNS : Oh .` .Say Rochester, what's that lying on the drossing teble? ROCH : OH-OFI . . . . ~J2 . BENNY FORGOT IT . (SOUND : COUPLE FAST FOOTSTEPS .,DOOR OPENS) ROCH : OH, BOSS, BOSS!

JACK : (OFF MIKFI) YES, ROCHFSTEffi

: YOU FORGOT 15' AGAIN . . ROCH Y[t JACK : OH . .INf:LL , I'VI? GOT TO GET RIGHT ON^STAGE . . .THROCI IT TO Iv4's .

(SOUND: SLIDE 4J}IISThE: .,,P1AP)

ROOH : R7AGL, WHAT DO Y0U ICN017, }Q; CAUGHT IT RIGHT ON HIS HEAD .

,,, . . .SM YOU TATESi, MR . KF,ARNS, KFARNS : Goodbye, Rochester . (APPIAUSE 8: PIAYOFF)

TF

RTH01 0 313GB 0 ' JACK : -LedJte and gentlemen, CARIU food packages have been ~~

! improved-_end increased with more meats and-fits~ that mean hea]th to hungry,children and families overseas ~ . ~ Twenty-two and one-half poundg of life giving food

i for ten dol.].ars . Delivery gueranteed ;,S\d yourcontributi.on to non-profit CARE, Los Angeles or New York:

-I]ON :---Jack-wi37-be-iwok-#n--3uat-a-moment ;--buL,first ._ . ..

Ledies and €entla®en, one of our great netior~l htzerds is fire . liJN : Each year more then 10,000 people lose their lives in fire, and in 9 cases out of 10, these fires are cause3 by carelessness . be sure it doesn't happen to you . Put thst match or cigarette out before you discard it . Take every precaution to prevent fires . Thenk you .

(APPLAUSC)

. . . .•••• IVN : Jack will be back in just a moment, [ut first

TF

13T}{ 0 1 0313 6 89 'I'iQt JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNllAY, MAY 28, 1950 (T}tANSCRIBI D MAY 11, 195 0) CLOSING COh MFRCIAL

SHARBUTT : In a cigarette mildness is a true measure of smoking

enjoymont . So light up a Lucky because . . .

HIPSTAND : Lucki.es are milder -- smoother and milder -- with never a rough puff . Yes, scientific tests rove Lucky Strike is milder than any other principal brand of cigarettesl

SH4HAUTT : These scientific tests are confirmed by three independent

consulting laboratories, and they prove . . .

}IIESTAND : Lucky Strike mildest of six mejor brands tested .

SHARBVPT : And no wonder : It takes fine tobacco to make a fine

cigarette -- end . . .

HIESTA ND : IS - MFT LS-MP'T

S}fARAUPT : Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . fine, light, naturally mild tobacco .

HIFtSTANll : So for more, real deep-down smoki .ng enjoyment -- for a . milder-tasting cigarette with never a rough puff, smoke

a Lucky . You'll enjoy the smooth, rich taste of Luckies' fine tobacco . You'll prove to yourself what scientific tests prove . . . Lucky Strike ie milder than any other

principal brand of cigarettes! Try a carton of Lucky

Strike!

9K

(ii}{01 0313690 -z6-

(TAG)

JACK : Well, folks, this closes another season . . .but we'11

be with you again on Sunday, September 10th . In the meantime, be sure to listen to Guy Lombardo and his orchestra . . . . I want to thank everybody connected with my show and all you listeners for making this past season

so pleasant . . . . . Goodnight, everybody . (A°YIAUSft & MUSIC)

DON : Be sure to hear Dennis Day in "A Day In The Life of 7 .- .,,_ ..t Dennis Day'' . t}med~ for the Amos an~dAh~y SYiow

.wh5. rfol.lows ,ip¢¢e5~5,ately .. .,.And-reember next Sunday n ~ra ~ orChestra : ~

~,TftAtACSFERf~d ~ YftOADCASTffiGuj THIS ISyCElS ~T}IECO~LN~ ,IE7IA~' SYSTPSv1 .

TKANSCftTHf:D l-4'NIS-IS-CAS-.: .THI?-Cf3EiFAEliA-~2eAPCA89 :I NG~ -SYSTLAN-:

'I_EtANSCHIAL'D,_7%IS-IS-CBS: . .TEiE COUJMEiIA AROADCASTIi;G -SYSTIS'iy . -

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