Jack Benny Program 1954 Oct-Dec.Pdf

Home , Dennis Day, Hal Goldman, The Jack Benny Program

fl )' ` 507 0 019914 J .S .N .1 ROORAM 1 R6VISSD SCRIPT kk alS ~~no~Cttc~

A MRICAN TOBACCO CCMPANY . LUCKY STRIXE

TO JACK BFNNY PRCCRAM

SEPTE2mER 26, 1954 CBS 4 :00 - 4 :3C PM YRr

(Txenecribed - Sept . 2, 1954)

flTYl01 0019915 SET #1 . RRG; AMBRICAN TOBACCO COMPANY 'THg JACK BENNY PRCGRAM' #1 SEPTIsNIDER 26, 1954

7 :OC-7 :3C PM EST SUNWY

OPENING CIX'945HCIAL WIISON : THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM . . . transcribed and

presented by UJCKY STRIICE . . . the cigarette that's toasted to taste better!

(TRANSCRIBED) If you want better taste from your cig-a-xette, DOLISNS : WITH FULL Lucky Strike is the brand to get! ORGH . B .G .) IT'S TOASTID to give you the best taste yet . It's the toasted (CIAP . . . CIAP, C1AP) cig-a-rette

They take fine tobacco, it's light tobacco, it's mild tobacco, too .

Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASTED,

because the toasting brings the flavor right

through .

So, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette,

Iuckv Strike is the brand to get! IT'S TOASTED to give you tl^a best taste yet, It's the toasted (CIAP . . .CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-xrotte :

WILSON : This is Don Wilson . I'd like you to listen to just the last part of that song once again . TRANSCRIBED) COLLINS : It's the toasted (CIAP . . .CAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette : WITH FULL ORCH . B .G .)

ATH010019916 1 THE JACK B:.NNY PROGRAM SET #1 -2- SEPTEMBER 26, 1954

WIISON : Thst's one important reason a Lucky tastes (CONT'D) better . It's toasted : The fine tobacco that

goes into everyLUolq is toasted to taste better .

"IT'S TOASTED" -- the famous Iucky Strike process

-- brings Luckies - fine tobacco to its peak of

flavor -- tones up this light, mild, naturally good-tasting tobacco to make it taste even better .

Cleaner, fresher, smoother . That's why we say

this : if you want real enioyment from your

cigarette . . . make it Iuckv Strike . Optional :

TRANSCRIBED : If you want .better taste from your cig-a-rette, COId,iNS : WITH FULL Luckv Strike is the brand to get! ORCH . B .O .) IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet .

It's the toasted (CIAP . . .CIAP, CIAP) cig-a-rette .

0 AT}401 0 19917 1 (Sept . 26th(ShwT STe)ns . Sept . 2, 19 54 ) -1- (FIRST ROUTINE) (AFTER COM14gI2CIAL, MUSIC UP AND DONN)

DON : THE LUCKY STRIKS PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BFNNY• .WITH MARY

LIVINGSTONE, ROCB84TER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND

"7COURS TRULYi DON WILSON . (APPLAUSE . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : LADIES AND GEMPIEMEQ . . .WHILS SEYPFDYBER IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MONTHS OF THE YEAR, TRERE IS A CERTAIN SADNESS ABOUT IT . . .YES, MANY 8AD THINGS OCCUR AT THIS TIME OF YEAR . . .CHILDREN HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL . .VACATIONS ARE OVER AND PEOPLE HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK . . .THE FLOWIItS NILP, TH6 LEAVFS DIE AND JACK BENNY COMES BACK ON THE AIR . .

JACK: Hu.n

DON : AND HERE HE IS . . .JACK BENNY (APPLAUSE)

JACK: Thank you, thank you, thank you . . .Hello again, this is

Jaok Benny talking . .end Don, I want to discuss that

introduction with you . _

DON : I thought you would, Jack . . .I ' m glad you liked it . . all, I spent the entire summer working on JACK: \Oh . . .you made that introduction u urself . . .and it took you Sumaer?

DON : Yes, it did, c . .You see, I have to work by myself . . .I

haven't four wr s like you have .

0 HTX 1 0019918 I JACK: Then for heavens sakes, .what have you got in y ~ st ? . . . . ( .I could have svorn th le~e you put on'a bathing s saw t-oQ lit ne of a typewriter .

DON : Now wait e mi , Jac . ia is the first program of the sees , and I don't like your ing off with ,jokes .

a6out my size . ~._-----~. JACK : 1 I'm glad you brought up the aub~ect of inaults, Don .On our final show of the season last May you introduced me with an insult . .end now the first shox of the new season

you do the same thing . DON : I'm sorry, Jack .

JACK : You should be . . .And before dropping the subject, let me

remind you of the lyrics of that beautiful tune written about this particular month .

DON : The September Song?

JACK : Yes . . . remember, Don . ."It's a long, long time . .from May to December" . . .and it seems even longer when yodr.`11At

ailioribw6ir eat:•r[ , .So watch it, Slenderella Boy . . .Now this

is a new season so we'll let bygones bedf® -- BOB : N1, Jeck . .Hi, Don . JACKS Bob Bob or aby . (APPLAUSB) -

JACK: Bob, you look wonderful . BOB :03eSt+SO do you,~ J~ack . .,aFnd you, too, Don .

DCN~~Thanks~T T1 me`;Twhere did you MWn your vacation, 86b?

BCB : '.1e11 Don, I didn't have wW real vacation, . .You see, my

television . wwgmm on C .B .S. _

~. I Y-si~it's on fivarM fR xeek,'i`-w s kept very busy . CB

RTH 0 1 0019919 -3-

JACK : Gee, that's awful . BCB : YsaSNbut it did have its compensations . . .2 was pa].d every week .

JACK : So you were paid every wee~k . . .What good is that? . . .A man rv-ecA .-, needs a little relaxatloK . .Money isn't everything . . .

You ought to realize that .

BOB : Ch, usherjLs.qD.o~

ROBIN : Yes, sir .

BOB : Can you tell me w':nre Mr . Benny's broadcasting from, b¢J IWNn the wrong studio . JACK : iio, no, Bob . . .you're not in the wrong studlo . . .It's just that I have a new writer and he hasn't grasped my c'naxacter yet . . . .That's all .

BCB :W 4X' i W'nen he gets his first check, he will .

JACK : I guess so, . . they all do sooner or later . DON : Gee, I feel sorry for you, Bob . .,working all summer . c~¢a~ BOB ; GP., it wasn't *WM bad, Don .,. .2 took every weok-end ofP . . . Qc.. ~ Why, last week-end I had a wonderful time with my brother Bing .

JACK : W:at did you do?

BOB : 'riell, we did a little mountain cllmbing . . . . Then we went

i n to the woods and un ad . .then we enjoyed some wonderful

fishing in a couple of stres.ms and lakes? JACK : Wrore were you----Yellowstone Paric?

BOB : No, in Bing's front yard .

JACK : Now wait a minute, Bob . .I know Bing hae a big house and

grounds, but it's not .yhat big . Aren't you exaggerating

a little? BA

RTSSO 1 0019920 1 BOB : No, I'm not, Jack . . .In fact, it's an even money bet that ~`. Bing's place becomes a state before Hawaii .

JACK : Goe ry may have to go to Wsshington as a Senator, WA ~

guess you ' re right, Bob . . you can have a nice vacation ,just on week-endsf¢nlL tJ.~a BOB : Oh sure ., .It ' s amazing ~what you can do iry~two days,••,Why,

a couple of weeks agoA m` leFt _ e~yand I went way up to the

High Sierras, JACK : You took-ftwnk Remley with you?

BOB : Yea em* a very unfortunat~ nR ~p ned ~ were ~ climbing around a narrow cliff Bemley slipped and

fe11 about thirty feet to a small ledge, and no one ' could reach h1m . JACK : Gosh, that's terrlble . .,What happenedlb~7,

BOB : Well, finally one of those Saint Bernard dogs with the

brsndy around its neck got to him .

JACK : Well, thank goodness . . .where ' s Remley now?

BOB : ~)~t1The last I saw of him, ne and the dog were walking off

axm in am .

JACK : Well, Remley always was an animal Sover . . . . You should

see the tender way he treats an old crow .,,It's touching

. . . ..Why I remember once when iV --

DENMS~'o~~jlello, Mr . Benny . . .hello, everybody . JACK : ~AHry . LL:NNIS ;

(APPLAUSE)

DENNIS : Gee, it's good to see ail of you again .

. DON : ~r~ood seeing ou, Dennie . 18a

0 00 fiiX 1 19921 1 -5-

DOB : I sure missed you, kid . ! JACK : Yeah . . .You know, even though I hate to see our vacations end, there's something nice about all of us getting

~~ together again .

D6NNIShat l s right, Mr . Benny . . .Here we are starting a new

series .

JACK ; Yes, sir .

DENNIS : Are you looking forward to a good season? JACK : I sure am .

DENNIS : So am I . JACK: That's good .

DENNIS : In fact, this will be the best season I ever bad . JACK : Why?

I16NNI S~~}~ qui tSJ your show . JACK : ou Ie qeu~ ng the show? DENNIS : Uh huh . .

JACK : Don, get me a chair . . .I know this is going to lead into something and I want to be comfortable . . .

(SOUND : CHAIR MOVED) ~

JACK : There we are . .Now Dannis .tiwhy a you quitting my show?

DENNIS :~ I t hink a man who is married and has nine children should be in business for himself .

JACK : Dennis . . . . . Dennis . . . . . Look at me . DENNIS : Yes, sir .

JACK : Denrls . .do you have nine childrsn? DENNIS : No . JACK : Are you married?

DENNIS ; No .

13A

Rrx 01 0019922 -6-

JACK : Then why would you say you're leaving my show because

you ' re ruarried and have nine children?

DENNIS : I did that for your sake .

JACK : My sake?

IENNIS : I didn't want people to know I'm quitting because of the

lousy salary you pay me .

JACK : W'iBt? D2NNIS : I grasped your character twelve years ago . JACK : Now, wait a mi-nu a. How can you say I psy you a bad ~ -a.dWj•? . .It-s a darna good we . ' DENNIS : Yasywwhen you pay it to e . . .But all of June, July, and August no money at all . JACK :\"Iiof course I don't pay you~uring the sumner . . .WeIre off

the air those three months DENNIS : We are? JACK ;"kFertainly .

DENNIS : Cee . . . . and every Sunday I came d'own here and sang my heart out . \

JACK : Well, of all iissdflj -- Dennis, that's your own fault

. . .Waen you came down here every Sunday and saw a

completely empty studio, not a soul init--what did you

\ think? `, r.u}

j4... .,

Arxo I 0019923 1 -7-

DENNIS : I thought you wem slipping . r JACK : Slipping?

I ENNIS : And it ' s about time, too .

_%VMMMMFMM1 R- DENMS : Nobody can last forever . . .

JACK : Now out that out : ...... Look, Dennis . . .this is the start

of a new season, so I ' m not going to lose my temper . DE S : But I thought - la..p'a..~ fo `' JACK ~M o, no, nis . . .delMVl~1~ . .,)ust sing . NNIS : ~Yes, sir . ~ .9-l2 _\'(+w.v{- (A PIAUSE ) Lr-~

(DENNIS I SONG--) ( "IF YW LOVE ME")

(APPLAUSE)

HTX01 0019924 1 (SECOTID ROUTINE) . -g-

JACK: ~gy~wae J17~nnle ~ay inging "If You Love Me" . . . . .and d~+~~ v.~" wwd . ~ - very go , too . ADannis, I thought your voice sounded

beautiful . , .tbe tone was superb . . .the range magnificent . IENNIS : Not bad for a kid who's been singing his heart out all

aumVBr.

JACK : Look, Dennis,,, ou can stop making thinge up. . . . You didn't wau o.. ~~ wF- come down here 's11~-lI happen to know+ his eummer you

did a four week personal appearance at the Sahara in Lea

Vegas .

III'sNNIS : eeh~I h d`a lot of fun in VegesyvD I even did a little gambling there . JACK : Dennis, you shouldn't gamble . . . .You don't know the flrst 1

/( thing about gambling

: Jeck ;-I-don't-think it. Bon makes any difference . . .I'm supposed

to know a lot about gambling . . . and yet I lost quite a few ~ bucks up in Vegas . r JACK : Oh, were you up there on one of your week4 tds, too?

BOB : Yea, I wen~`C.to the Flamingo with a couple oT musicians . ~ As e matter of~fect, I went broke p laying rouletteand.,

a-~~y money•Ifinally put up Sammy the Druaumr es my bet on Nu . since I didn't hav

~be ~~Seventeen . . . . i lost . . JACK: You lost Sarcuny? ., .That~s awfiTl BOB : That's how I felti6t firet . . .But eftar\hinking it over, I( was gled I ~d f+'~t win ' : Why? / . JACK BOB : What iri the world would I do with thirty-six bald`t~eded ~ dr,unmers? \

/iTM 01 0019925 JACK:

MARY . MARY: ello~/~^Jwe~c.tk~._~ APPLAS1SEa~ 1l MARY : Hi, everybody . GANG : (AD LIB) Hello, Mery .

MARY : What were you fellows talking about?

IENNIS : What a big hit I wes in Las Vegas .

JACK: H:m®u .

MARY : ~~ Gh~,yeo 6. .I reed where you broke records there .

7ENNI3 :~\1~11 say . . . .When I left, they even dedicated a slot

machine to rcs . . .There'e a slot machine at the Sahara with ~~,~mqy neme on it . MAHY,~That's nothing, there'a a slot machine at the Flamingo with Jack's blood on it . JACK : Blood on it, blood on it . . .a little cut on the vrist4y you me~ke~,,ae big thing out of it . . .You come in on the first showty ~ tihet's a fine greeting you give me . MARY : I'm sorry, Jack .

JACK : Oh eure . . .I'11 bet you're not sorry at a1l . . .You don't see

me for months end that's hour you say

MARY: But I am sorry, QCIC . . .and to show you I'm sincere . . .com3

hera and I'll give you eAbkisb . JACK : Well. . . .

DENNIS : Come on. .,let's get on vith ths show .

JACK :0')Quiet, Dennis, you're just jealous .

flTX 0 1 0019926 -10-

DENNIS : A men with a wife en9 nine kids is jealous? JACK : Oh, be quiet .,,A11 right, Mary,,,,get ready, I'm going to kiss you .

MARY : I'm ready, Jack .

(JACK KISSn.-MMY) ,

JACK : . . .,WM Mary, how was that?

MARY : ...... You lost more blood in i7s Vegas then I thought .

JACK : Ammem ...... Mary, if you're going to keep on like this,

I'll be sorry that you didn't stay in Plainfield when you viss~ist~ed your family .

BOB : YiV,~ Mery~(.t. .Were you.- in. the east during the big heat wave

they had?

MARY: bh huh.`~ nd it was really hot . Everybody suffered but . 2?ay5 . ____ .___ JACK : '~`d`hat did your father do?MARY

:W~3very night he'd fill the bathtub with ice cold beer and get in it .

JACK : But Mary,, .in a few hours, wouldn't the beer werm up? MARY : In a few hours, he didn't care . JACK : I know, but wasn't it kinda messy when he tried to wipe himself off? MARY : He didn't have to, Rhoingold is a dry beer : Well, I asked her so she told me . .,You know,. JACK Mary, I read one day where it got so hot 3lW -- Mery, . .Mery what ere ~~~1 you staring at? MARY~W~lkhet's the matter with Don Wilson? JACK: What do you mean?

fiTiS01 001992? 1 MARY : Well, since I cams in, he's been standing in the oorner, not saying a thing, just sulking .

JACK: Gee, you're right . . .(CAISS) DCN . . .CH, DON . DON : (POUtING) leave me alone . JACK: 4M Don . . .what's the matter with you . . .vhet'e come over you so suddenly? DON : (MAD THftOUGHOVT FOIJ.UrfING BPEECHGS) It's not suddenly . .

MW something I've been thinking about for twenty years .

JACK: Well, if there's somethir,g wrong, for heavens sakes, tell

¢e about it .

DON : All right, I vi11 . . .Every year, when we coxa back on the

air, I start the program off py introduoing you, end you

come on and get applausa~then Dennis comes on and gets

applause . . . . then Bob Crosby makes an entrance end gets

epplause . . .then Mery covas on yand - gets appleuae . . .evervone

gets aoDp~ leuse excent me .r~b not, fam

JACK : well ~r if all you wennt is some applauser we can fix t~hat, . . .(TC AIIDiENCE) Folks,how about giving Don Wilson e Alalnd? (APPLALS: ) JACK : There you are, Don . . .how was that?

DON : Wonderful, Jack, (@ makes me feel great . JACK : b Good . . .and folks I want to thank you for giving Don that ~. . .because never has so little, made so much, so c~o M~en.c~ . . _ . . happy, so fas . . .And now, Don, that your little heart has \ . been lightened, would you mind getting the Sportsmen Quartet up to the microphone for the commercial?

0 RTX 7 007992 6 1 -12- (6%, DON : (HAPPY) Oh, I will, I wll (CALLS) OH, SPORTSMEN :

I (APPL(tU4E)- .~_.__--- ... _ . JACK : For Ftavmu, tli4q-getz,applause? . . .I u re right Sor complaining, Don . . . ~ r have the fellows prspare ~ .

DON: ,rWa11, Jack, aince this is the first show of the e o@t

~they thought it would be fitting if they -- (SOUND

: PHONE RINGS) v JACK : Hold it, Don. . .hold it . (SOUND : RECEIVER UP) JACK : Hello? ROCH : HEId 0, MR . BENNY, THL9 IS ROCHESTER . (APPLHL6E) JACK : 4!-dqilo, Rochester, whet is it?

ROCH : WELL, I THOWHI` I OUGHT TO CALL AND TELL YpU. . .YOUR TRUfHC ARRIVED HOME . JACK : My trunk? ~~~-

ROCH : YE~}1,THE ONE YOU TOOK WITH YOU WHEN YOU WEN.'UO~N THAT, PERSONAL APPEARANCE TOUR THIS SUMMER . JACK : Oh yes . . .did you unpack it? _ _..-_.~__. ..~._..-..._...... _.__...... _._,__.. . _ ROCR : UH }Hkf . . .AND I'M AFRAID I HAVE $OME BAD NEWS FOR YOU. . . YOUR VIOLIN IS SMASHED . JACK : olin . . . .smashed?

ROCH : YES, SIR . . . T~S~,s1RQb'1']NTO BITS . . . . YOU'LL NEVER BE ABIE TO PLAY IT AGAiN:

JACK : pWell, the express company wi11„ heve by~ay for it .

RTXO1 0019929 1 -13-

ROCR\ OH, THEY'LL BE 9W TO . JACK : `Never mind . . .And not only will the express o a(y pag for it, :t so will the insurenoe ooag eny. ~ ROCR : WHAT DO N1gAN? ~~

JACK : Well, don't y remember, .,/wh9:TI told my agent I was

going to play on ree~ial eppeerence tour, he suggested

I take out eccident'3ns ance on my violin . ROCH : NO NO, BOSS,, .THAT WAS ON YO JACK : On me?

M OVER ROCH : LAH, THE BLUE CROSS Tlkit YOU Ttll~ RED CROSS, ' YOU WRRE DECLARRD A POYfiNTIAL DISASTSR . JACK :~ A11 right, ell right,,,I'11 have it fixed or get a . one . . .Did you put awey everything thet was in the trunk?N~ ROCH : AIMOST,,,AND SAy,,,THE1tE'S A HIGH SILK HAT IN THER& THAT I NENIIt SAW BEFORE,

JACK : Oh yeei l .be careful with that hat . . .I bought it from a

magician who was on the same bill with me . ROCR : A MM.,ICIAN'S HAT?

JACK : Yes,,,I'm going to use it on my television show next Sunday,,,Ae taught me a trick with the hat . I put in two

rabbits, and pull out five of them .

ROCH : Wr'.LL, HE MLBT HAVE TAUGHT THE TRICK TO THg R($BPfS, TOO .

Tf EF&Mb- FORTY OF THEM NOA . JACK: Well, I'11 be darned . . .By the way, Roohester . . . . How's the program coming over? ROCH : WBAT PROGRAM? JACK: ,, .What program?„My program,,,The one I'm doing right noc . BR

8 iX07 0019930 1 ROOM : YOUR PROGRAM ISN'T COMINO OVER THE AIR . . .I TURNED THE

RADIO ON TO Tf E STATION A FEW MINUTES AGO AND AIb THEY HAVE IS MUSIC . JACK : Rochester, are you sure you tuned 7n to the right station?

ROCH : YES, SIR, AND Aiy T1Ey HAVE 13 A MJtN PLAYING AN ORGAN .

JACK : Well, that burns me up . ROCH : I KNOW 30ME'1'HIN3 R1IAT'LL BURN YOU UP EVEN MORE . JACK: What? R00H : h^c'3 GETTING LAtuHS .

JACK : Look, Rochester, I better hang up and check into this . . .

Just be sure and have dinner reedy when I get home . . .By the

way, what are we going to heve? ROCH : RABBIT, WAAT ELSE!

JACK : All right, all right, goodbye .

ROCH : G000000000DDL9YYYYYI ZKM .

(SOUND ; R&CEIVER DOWN) (APPLAUSE) (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS) DONl~Jack, vhere are you going? JACK: To see the head engineer . . .there's soaething vrong . Our program isn't on the air . DON : But Jack, in honor of your first program of the season, the Sportsmen QuartetbtWb prepared a special number, end

they're ready to do it .

bMrV*11-tW@rit .

JACK : amemp=bWy . . .A11 right, Don, let them sing it to the

st ud io audience . . .I've got to go . DON : Okey . . .(UP) TAKE IT, FELL04I5 . BR

0 HTYi 1 0019931 1 -15- QUART : VAL DE RI, VAL DE RA IIM A HAPPY WADIDERER WE IAVE TO GO A-WANbERING

ALONG TEE MOUNTAIN TRACK

AND AS WE G0 WE LOVE TO SING OUR KNAPSACKM ON OUR BACK VAL DE RI, VAL DE R4, VAL DE RA VAL DE RA, RA HA RA HA HA VAL IN RI, VAL DE RA

OUR KNAPSAOK ON OUR BACK

ALL SUMMER LONG WE HAD SUGH FUN

UNTIL OUR DOUGH WAS SPENT WHEO WE WIRED JACK TO SEND US SOME

THIS SONG IS WHAT HE SENT

VAL DE RI, VAL DE RA VAL DE RA VAL DE RA HA HA HA HA HA VAL DE RI, VAL DE RA THIS WIFE HE SENT COLLECT .

NOW WE ARE BACK WITH OUR FRIESII7 JACK

HERE ON THE RADIO

FOR LUOKY STRIKE, THE SMOKE WE LIKG US, IT'S TOASTED Of YOU KNOW UJCKY STRIKE, LUCKY STRIKE HETTER TASTE 0LI YES U CKY STRIKE TASTES BETTER . YOU WILL LIKE, IBMFP LUChI' STRIKE, TAKE A PUFF AND SEE THE TOAST® CIGARETTE

YES IT ' S TOASTED SMOKE LUCKY STRIKE . (APPL9USE)

fl7 9 09 0019932 -16-

(THIRD RCCTINE)

(SOUNDen TE PS . . .FAIE TO B .G . & SUSTAIN)

JACK : Gee, 1 4WHIM26"KIWAW why Rochester isn't getting the

program . . . WMMMMle robably something wrong with my radio

at home . . .I can't understand CBS not sending my first

program out . .Ny second one, I could underetend . . .AY!!-,

~ ihey think a little thing lAe thet is going to meke me quit, they're crazy . ., . .~~ey-~. .I wonder whare I go

to see the Chief engineer~ .Oh, there's en usber . I'll aak him . . .Oh . usher, usher .

. Why Mr . Benny. MR . KITZEL . (APPiA

JACK : Mr. Kitzel . .whet are you doing here at the atudi usher' uniform? ARTlE : I'm worki This is a part-time fob . I,119ve to raise a little money . JACK: Oh .

ARTIE : You see I'11 need the xtre''money because around October ninth I'm expecting an,,ad ition to my family . JACK: Well, isn't that nide . . :dhet oa~you want, Hx . Kitzel, a boy or a g1r1?"' ARTIE : Either one• u1d be delightful . f I JACK: Yeah. j

ARTIE : Bu~unfortunately it's rty mother-in-low com~ing for a ~ visit .

17Y

ATff 0 1 0019933 1 -17-

JACK: Oh. . .The way you put it I thought you vere expecting e bundle from heaven . ARTIE : A dle she ia, but from heeven, this is doubtful . JACK : Oh. . .wel , nce you had to teke enother job, I suppose you like it here e studio . ARTIB : Oh yes ., .it's very pleesant . . apacielly.,Tor me . . .I like to be around show people,, .actors,-'-,.mueioiena . . .and

singers . . .especially singers . i/ JACK: Oh, you like good singing . '

ARTIE : L'efinitely . .on this subje records end everythi

JACK : Rea11y. .Ne11, te11,* , . .who's your favorite singer! ARTIE : Nat "King" Cohe JACK : No no, Mr . K zel . .it's Net King Cole . . .Cole .

ARTIE : Cold, coo . . .he's real gone .

JACK : Yes. ye , I know . . . . Well, Mr . Kitzel . .I've got to go ARTIE : Whet' your hurry?

JACK: I st heard that my radio program isn't going out Aver 5he eir, .Where should I go to check into this? ART1E : ,~This is the ohief engineer's depertment„His ofylce is i downstairs in the eub-basement . Right down/se tho stairs // there .

JACK : I Thank you . .See you again soon, hk• . K3'tzel . ARTIE : ~Goodbye, Mr . Denny . ~ (APPLIUSE) `- ~ (TRANSITION MJSIC) (SQJND : CWPLE FOOPSTEPS STOP)

flTX 0 1 0019934 1 JACK: This must be it . .It says, "George Poster, Chief Engineer" . . .I'11 go in . (SOIIIJD : DOOR OPF,NS) JACK: That must be him in front of -dM big electrical penel . . . Excuse ma, era you the chief engineer?

MEL : Euhhh, no I'm his assistant . i JACK: 4fe11 I'm Jeck Benny end n y radio program isn't going

out on the air .

MEL: Who says it ain't? JACK: I says St ain't . MEL: Then maybe it isn't . I JACK : Well, why isn't it?

MEL: I don't know, but it aren't my fault . JACK: . . . . .I'm n_ot saying it em. . .~ y.ciok, what is the . ~ l~-Ca.~tDa~.Ar¢ .r. .~<~,~nJ~ `~- ---ressbR.C~~~ for my~~ aho n~being broadcast? MEL: Well .,let ma look at this control panel4 ._Wimmuwq, him~mmmvmmu . . . tAmmmmmmn, hn¢memmwn .~O hOh yeah--no~w,G1I~see what's wrong : What is it7 . JACK h'EL: Well, you see, Mr . Benny, when you talk into the microphone, it creates a series of electronic impulses which are converted to vibrating weve lengths at varying frequencies which ar,i~n.~stontatteoJu~snl,Vy ~reac~Wonv~erted by e series of trensistors ii~R-it comes; here to the

master control panel a11M then they pass through the

superhetrodyne condenser and the volume is then

rheostetlcally controlled . DY

flTf{ 0 1 0019935 1 -19-

JACK : . . . . . Oh . . . . Ytell, I still don't quite understand from your explanation why my program isn't coming out over the air,

MEL: It ain't plugged in .

JACK: Are you sure? (J~ FEL: Jk 4'B-rberteinlyr1see . .there's the plug hanging loose over there . JACK: Well, for heavens sekes, plug it in .

WL : 0-, I cen't,

JACK: Why not?

MCL:\,~Xook, Misterto~. .I cn en~plck up~A ~p,l,~u~g,y I can inspect I can dust ~, rI"ca-nq polish ~~~, bu~ t the Union says only

the chief engineer cen~ p.al~u~gZ~ in .l$K-i-Q~ • .

JACK: i 0iiiiiI . . .We11, wheres~-thdyl;'h~df-engineer?1A1~~~~, ~~~Z{S LEL:dnh•-}"~(e, ~w}ent out for coffee . .he'll be right bsck . JACK : 1MR5 I cen't wait, I'm going to plug it in vyself . .I'll just pull this other plug out rM-

IMELhN ,o no. .don't pull that one out . . .that's one of the most U\ (Hn • popular programs ii . Everybody's listening to it . JACK: Nhrt is it?

7 Z L : Harry Horlick end His A . and P . Gypsies .

JACK: Well, of a11 JYM 00411p1tY--?'nat program hasn't been on for years . MBL: Gee, why don't somebody come down here end tell me those things? JACK: Now look . . . . (SOUND: DOOR OPEPS)

ArTf 0 1 0019936 -20-

JACK : I've stood for all ®--

NEL : here comes Mr . Foster now . JACK: ~Oh7,y~. .Mr-. Foater-- NEISON : YESSSSSSS! JACK: Mr. Foster, I'm Jack Benny.

NEISON : Wellll! . . . .Msy I shake your hand, I've already grasped

your character .

JACK: Never mind that . . your assistant here tells me that my

program is off the air because that wire ien't plugged in. NEISON:know . JACK : And he told me irb you're the only one that could do it . NEL40N : That's right . JACK: Well, plug it in, plug it in . NEISON : I wouldn't touch the nasty thing .

JACK: You better be cereful . .you'11 be in lots of trouble when

my sponsor learns about this .

NELSON: He knows, it was his idea .

JACK : Na4 CUT THAT CUT . . .If you won't plug it in, I'll do it myself .

FRL : Mr . Foster, the union ain't gonne like it, aren't the You keep out of this . . .Now let's see . .,fi_rat.fi- eke this p1 hen I take this wi

(SOUND: L ICAL BUZZING) Turn off l

001993? fliYS01 I _21_

JACK : tar, those two wires shouldg~ave given me a shook. . . . d you turn on t urrent on purpose? NEI30N: OOOOOHHH, DID

JACK : That settlesd ter, I 'in going to give you one

moreA ohgnoe . .unless you star Sng my program over the ~ ~e3r, there's going to be trouble . i3gy59N: Oh, ell right . .I was going to anpwey . . .THg 1~ HT

~ comea on in just three seconde . . . . ONE . . . .TNO . . . .TfH~E . . .

WND: PLUG BPsIN3 I~~IfCp:Mi~ .c 1~ .

RUBIN : (H'ILTER) And that concludes tonight's Jack Benny Program. JACK: tdhat? HOBIN : (FILTER) We wish to thank his special guests Harry Horlick and his A . end P . Gypsies .

JACK : Well, this is ridiculous .

JACKt il1~iY`ww1 . .I'm going homec~n-.c~~4.wlP~-FU ~+f~'i•,~ ~ ~'i•,~~ f "a"~

APPLAUSE) ~ ~ ~ . ~~(PIAYOFF AND

Ai7(01 0019939 1 THE JACK BENNY PRCCRAM SRPTFTIBER 26, 1954

CIOSINC Ca+aMCInL WISBCN : Jack will be back in just a minute, but first --

the Sweetheart of Lucky Strike . . .Mise Dorothy Collins!

(TRANSCRIBP9) "If you want better taste from your c1g-a-rette, FULL SONG : Lucky Strike is the brand to get!

IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet

It's the toasted (CIAP . . .CTAP, CAP) cig-a-ratte!

They take fine tobacco, it's light tobacco, it's mild tobacco, too Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TCASTED, because the toasting brings the flavor right through .

So, to get better taste from your oig-a-rette

Lucky Strike is the brand to get! IT'S TCASTID to give you the beat taste yet,

It's the toasted (CIAP . . .CIAP, CIAP) cig-a-xette!

Y7IISCN : Friends, your enjoyment of a cigarette is just as

simple as that! (SLAWLY, WITH IIrtPHASIS) If you

want better taste from your cigarette - Lucky

Strike is the brand to get . It's toasted to

taste better . Naturally, Luckies' better taste

begins just wtrere you'd expect it to begin .

(MORE)

ATYS01 0019939 1 Sh^r //i

TfE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SEPtEMBEe 26, 1954

WILSON : With fine tobacco . ISNT - lucky Strike means (CONT-D) fine tobacco . And then -- that tobacco is

toasted . "IT'S TOASTED" -- the famous Lucky

Strike process -- tones up Iuckiea' naturally

good-tasting tobacco to make it taste even

better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother . So next

time . . . get better taste . Get Lucky Strlke .

(TBANSCRIBED If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette, COLLINS WITH FULL OHCH . B .G.) Lackv Strike is the brand to get! IT'S T04STF9 to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (CIAP . . .CIAP? CIAP) cig-e-rette :

0 flTX 1 0019940 1 -22- (TAG)

(SOUND : DOOR OPHiS)

ROCH : WHO'S THAT?

JACK : It's only me, Rochester . . Any mai2 or phone calls ? ROCH : YEAH, MR . FRANK HGDII .hY CALLID . HE WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT

HE'S OPENIAY? AT-TUE AT THE HOLLYWOOD ROOSEVELT HOTEL OCTOBER

JACK: dK ,Good, good . I'll go down and see him .

ROCH : MR. A04LEY SAID YOU -D ENJOY IT . . . HE'S GOT A SPECIAL ATTRACTION THIS YEAR ,

JACK :Q Specia2 attraotion ? ROCH : BIB VOCALIST IS A ST . BERNARD .

JACK: Well, what do you know . I'll sure go down and see that . . . Goodnight, folks . (APPLAUSE & MUSIC )

RTY{01 0019941 I -23-

DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight vas written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry,

Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by $illiard Marks .

The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike

product of the American Tobacco Company . . . America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes .

l DIS

fl T 7501 0019 942 I (J .B .N .1 PR06RAN 1

( JACK BENNY RADIO PROGRAM September 26, 1954 (Trans . Sept . 2, 1954)

CAST : Mel Blanc Artie Auerback Frank Nelson , Benny Rubin

(Mary ISvingetone On) (Bob Crosby On)

80 fiT 1 0019943 I P1, 66 1 00 6Q5( .LN (J.B .N . 2) PROOA AM REVISSD SCRIPT 'b~s 8czrx~cs~~

A_hg2ICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY STRIKE - THE JACK BENNY PROORAM 3 SUAIDAY, OCTOBII2 !, 1954 CBS 4 :00 - 4 :30 PM PST

(Transcribed - Sept . 4, 1954)

CAST : JACK BENNY IIENNIS DAY E11DIE ANIERSON DON WILSON BEA BENEDARLxP SHIRIEY MITCH6LL MEL BLANC SAM NEARN MAI LON MGRRICK VEOLA VONN

AT 9 01 0019945 -A -

wm,'r tffMYubis WILSCN : THE JACK BENNY PRCGRAM . . . transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike . . . the cigarette that's toasted to taste better . (TRANSORIBED : If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette, CALYPSO VERSION GF Luckm Strike is the brand to gett SGNG : .37 SEC .) IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet . It's the toasted (CLAP . . . CIAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette .

They take fine tobacco, it's lirzht tobacco, it's mid tobacco, too Then IT'S 7UASTED, yes, IT'S TCASTED, because the toasting brings the flavor right through . So, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette, Luc Strike is the brand to get!

IT'S TOASTED TO give you the best taste yet,

It's the toast (C 1AP . . . CL4P, CLAP) cig-a-rette!

WIL80N : This is Don Wilson . The song you just heard has an

important message for evervone who smokes . The sure

way to get better taste from your cigarette is to make

sure you get Luc dtrike . It's toasted to taste

better . Of course the better taste of a Lucky begins

with fine tobacoo . And then, that fine tobacco is

toasted . "IT'S TOAST®" - the famous Lucky Strike

process -- tones up this naturally mild, good-tasting

tobacco to make it taste even better . Cleaner, fresher,

smoother . Yes, a Lucky tastes better because it's the

cigarette of fine tobacco and it's toast . . . to taste

L DH better . So - He Happy -- Go Lucky!

001 RTXpt 994E 1 Q; AMgHICAN_TO as~a; CLOSINC ooMMEHCIAL WIIBON : Jack will be back in just a minute, but first here's the Sweetheart of Lucky Strike . . . Miss Dorothy Collins!

THANSCHISSD : If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette, COLLINS WITH . A CAPELLI Luc Strike is the brand to get! VERSION OF SONC 39 SECONDS . IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet It's the toasted (CLAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette .

They take flne tobacco, it's light tobacco, it's mild tobacco, too

Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASTED, because the toasting brings the flavor right through .

So, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get! IT'S TOASTED to give you the beat taste yet, It's the toasted (CL4P . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette!

WIiSON : Friends, that song gives you the bi~ reason why so many

millions of smokers always ask for Lucky Strike . A

Lucky tastes better! It's toasted to taste better . Thc

better taste of Lucky Strike begins with fine tobacco .

Why sure : LS/MFT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco .

But there's even more to it than that - just before it'c

made into Lucky Strike cigarettes, that fine tobacco is

toasted . The famous Lucky Strike process -- "IT'S

TOASTFD" -- tones up Luckies' mild, naturally

good-tasting tobacco to make it taste even better . . .

cleaner, fresher, smoother . DH (MORE)

Rr 90 1 001994? I 2nd show . . .(Mention T .V. Show) (FIRST ROUfINE) (AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DQIN)

DON: TFffi LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRIPA7 JACK BENNY . . .W1TH MARY '

LNINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND ,

TRULY" DON WILSON . ! (APPLAUSE . . .MLBIC UP AND DaJN) 'i DON : LADIBS AND GENfIEMBN, TONIGHT JACK BENNY DOES HIS FIRST i TEIEVISION PROGRAM OF TRE SEASON . .,BUf, OF COURSE, HE i ALSO HAS A RADIO SHOW TO D0

. SO IET'S GO BACK AN HOUR AND VISIT JACK IN HIS DRESSING ROOM . HE IS REL4XII~%'i BEFORE REHEARSAL . ' no~0us~..~.cS a' JACK : (SINGS) THERE'S NO BUSINESS L4d: SHOW BL6INES5 . .DA DA DA q ~ DA 1L DAN . .IY{ DA DA DA DS DA Rt.When Irving Berlin wrote w~ ~C,yh3 that song, he knew what he was doing,r )there's no business like show business, and I'm sure gled I'm part of it . . . . .I remember. Gosh, I'1l never forget how I first started , when I made up my mind to go into vaudeville . . .It was t Ilhe

last week in June, and I was nineteen . . .I had just (

graduated and didn't feel like going on to high school . . .

Ah, whet memories those early vaudeville days bring back . .,.) VrJ~.. . Lrve Split weeka .tv6-a-deBroadway . . .and The Pelece . . .I'11 ' never forget who was on the same bill with me when I first played the Pelace . . .Jinuny Durante . . .Georgie Jessel . . .

Johnnie Wilkes Booth . . .Then vaudeville began to be killed I off by a new medium . .radio . .,I wented to go into radio

but I wouldn't try it until I had a sure-fire formula and ~ cheracter . . .Then I hit upon it, . .I decided to play the '

character of a tight, miserly skinflint . (MORE) BR

00 fiiX01 14448 1 -2- JACK : (CONTINUED) The pUOlic gets a million laughs out of my

stingy character• .end so do I when I count the money I save

. . .Yes sir,•••(SINGS) There's no business like show

business, de de da da de deh . . .Then when my radio program

vas doing all right, I moved out to Hollywood end went into-~L

movies . . .The movie business is funny••You make good

pictures year after year and nobody thinks anything about

it .•but you make one stinker and you're through,l .I'm glad

I quit before I made a bad one .•, 0 Course, I take a lot of

kidding about "The Horn Blows At Midnight", ;• 09 4 t, I can honestly say I never heard of more then ten or twelve

people who didn't like it• . .Come to think of it, I never heard of more than ten people who went to see it . . .and yet ~ there were twelve people who $ t~li~ke LVIF kOh veA ; yd[t0.-'J ~ can't please all of the people all of the time• .Somet7mes i I think (SOU[m : DOOR OPENS)

ROCH : I'M BACK, BOSS . ' ' JACK : So soon . id you get the shaving cream for me, Rochester? . RCCH : UHiGiOH, I GOT TT AT THE DRUG STORE ACROSS THg STREgT• . JACK: Good . . .Well, we haven't got much time~:come on, shave me . ~' ROCH: OKAY

. (SOUND : WATP.R TUHNED ON AND RUNNING . . .FAD6 TO B .G.) ~ ROCH : MR• BENN?, BEFORE I SHAVE YOU, I'D LIIC ; TO ASK Y THIlVG . . . WHY DON'T YOU GOH4! A BEARD

JACK : A beard? ROCH : YES• .IIYPS OF M6N

JACK : Gee . . .I n thought of thet . . think a beard would ma me look distinguished? BR

ar 9 0 1 00 19949 1 -3-

ROCH : NqJ HOLD YOUR HEAD STILL WHIIdS I LATHER YOU UP . JACK : Okay . (SOUND : LATIERING NOISES) JACK : Say. . .(SNIFFS TWICE) . . .Whet kind of shaving cream have you got there . .it smells different from the brand I usually use . ROCH : OH, IT IS DIFBTsRENP . .IT'S THE NEWEST ON THE M4RKET . .IT CONPAINS EIGHTEEN PERCENT LANOLIN . . .SEVEN PERCENT

ANPISEPTIC . .FIFPY PERCENT SOAP . . .NINE PERCENT CHLOROPHYLi.

AND SIXTEEN PERCENP SMIRNOFF VODKA . JACK : What's the vodka for? ROCH : THAT SAVES MONEY ON TGrlEIS . . .WIEN YOU'RE TAROUGH SHAVING, YOU JUST LICK 1T OFF . JACK : Gosh, wha he won't,.hink of next . Come on, Rochester, you got my face all lathered up . . .When are you going to shave me? ROC}( : IN JUST 4 MINllTE . . .ERCUSE ME . (SOUND : COUPIL+ FOOTSTEPS . . .DJOR OPENS)

ROCH : (CALLS) OH, MR . WIIBON . . .MR . WILSON . DON : (OFF) Whet is it, Rochester? ROCH : I'M GOING TO SHAVE MR . BENNY NO.I . DON : !oFF) OKAY, I'IS. TELL `173E BOYS . .(YELL4) HEY FE[SAWS, ROCHG+STER IS GOING TO SAAVE MR . BENNY NOrf .

(BATID PLAYS "LOOK SHARP MARCH" . . .ABOUT FOUR BARS)

,JACK : ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT . ~~- Q~lL- E4 T

(BAND STOPSJ

JACK : Gosh . . .slnce my arranger wrote that tune, he won't let anyone shave without it . . .How are you doing, Rochester? BR

901 001995 Nr 0 1 -4- ROCH : I'M PRACTICALLY DONE NOW . y--- DON: Oh say, Jack .may I talk to you for a minute? JACK : Certainly . . .whet is it, Don?

DON: Can we do the dress rehearsal right away? I went to see my dentist before the show goes on the air . JACK : Wait a minute, Don . .how come you made a dental appointment on the day of the broadcast?

DON : It was an emergency . . .Last night while I was watching

television, my wife gave me a sandwich, and I broke a tooth when I bit into a bone . JACK : A chicken bone?

DON : No, my wife's arm -- she didn't pull it back fast enough . JACK : Oh, Don . . .you're joking. ( 4e~,hfes ~ - o- DON : (LAUGHINGLY~, I em, Jack . .but I did break ® tooth . . . And if I don't have it fixed, I'm afraid I won't be able to . do the commercial properly on the program.C JACiC :W4(bon't let that worry you . . .The Sportsman Quar e do it . DON~ I know, and they're across the hell rehearsing with Mahlon Merrick, your arranger .

JACK : Well, ccme on, I'11 go listen to it . . .I'11 be back in a few minutes, Rochester . ROCH : BUT BOSS, YOU'VE STILL GOT A LITTIF, LATHQi ON YOUR FAC3 . JACK : Don't worry, I'll get it off before the show . . .Come on, Don .

(SOIND : COUPIE FOOTSTEPS . . . DOOR OPENS . . .) (ORHCESTRA TUNING UP) JACK : Hold it, fellows, hold lt~ .'~01d1 ~, ~L~Znea hv (TUNING UP STOPS) JACKo (y~ ..Oh, Mehlon . MAHIUN : Yes, Jack? BR

RiY{01 0019951 -5- JACK: How are you getting along wlth the boys in the band .

. MAHLON : Fine, . .efter all, we're not exactly strangers . . . I've worked

with them for years, 40 I know how to control them . JACK : Well, I'm glad somsone can control them . .the way they carry on, drinking and everything . MAHI,CNdrJack, I think you're too herd on them . . .they're n,~ot.~pnsoa b-ad . kP- JACK : Oh, they're not . . .Look at them . .Begby half asleep4on yR L

piano. . .Rice leaning egeinst( his bass fiddle to keep from

falling dornm . . .and look at RalnIey . .What kind of en

instrument is that he's trying to play? MAHIAN : Instrument -- that's a stomach pump .

JACK : Oh for heaven sskes . .well, Mahlon, the reason I'm here is

' I'm wondering whether you can prepare a commercial for the

Sportsman to do on today's program . .

MAHLCN : Sure . .I've got a real catchy tune right here . . .Hit it, fellows .

(BAND PLAYS "LOOK SHARP" MARCH) JACK : (IN1ffi2RIIPTINC) Hold it, fellows . .hold it, hold 1t,1'~" (BAND STCPS) JACK : Look, Mahlon, . .do you have t play that tune of yours all ~ :~c 1J tb~ time .~ wan£ tlie quart`et to do the commercial on CD today's program . . .now can you have something ready by air tice? MAHLAN : Oh sure, Jack . . .8lVoct, we have one here, and St's all . about you and your big blue eyes . ~°W_rvv.'r.t^t+®-C :~uoo~..~ my_ t m~ e-y e_~ JKAC~ :\~ Oh;'ttow'swe~`e7s-E's hear it, Mehlon . MAHLAN : Ckay . . .take it, fellows .

fliX 01 0019952 QUART : BLi1? PYPS SMILING AT DE NOTHIN' BUT BLU6 EYES DO I SEE

BU, o iYES

NEVER ARE SAD, NEVER SAD

HE'S 39 BUT WE CALL HIM DAD

PEV_'~R SAW A MAN ALWAYS SO GAY EXCEPT ON THE AAY WP WE GET OUR PAY WHR'N P.F.' TAId;S A SWIM T2E GIRIH.ES ALL SCREECH CAUSE HIS BIqOM3R4 REACH CLEAR DOWN TO THE BEACH

BUT YCU KNOW WE'lr FOUND HAPPINE SS c. v:L1~ WORKRI'i MY BM- EYES ON CB.S ALL ASN LIIQ' LUCKIES YOU ISNOW TAISE A TIP FROM m~ smcKe.w.lS YN fr -T

IAC!CIES W}L"f BWER YOU GO

BE'1'TR TASTIIS.7, TOO FIIZ, TOBACCO THROUGH AND THROUGH SO('Es', IlIC,-S ARR TOASTED, IT'S TRUE ~~yJ W1L'N YOU START TO PUFF

YOU WILL LIIL IT SURS ENOUGH Ie~ S~ LUCI(1•r3 AFG 1!G SETTER, T00 MA!£ OF FITC TOBACO

(MOR E) BR

8 AT 01 0019953 1 tB1A~~`~:D)VERY. MILD AND THAT'S A FACT I~CC C~s ;LUCKY STRIRES ARE M4I€ BETTPR BY FAR NG GTHER BRAND IS GN A PAR BV~RYGN6 AGRBBS THItGUGHOUT THB LAND IUCKIES ARE BFST~ THE FAVGRITE BRAND SG BLi~ EYLS 77~Y LIGHT UP WHEN 47E SAY LUCKY STRII~

SG LIGHT UP A UJCKY TfE SNYJI:- YGU'LL LIKE .

APPIAUSE)

arxo~ oois9sa I (SECOND ROUTIN3) r

JACK : tJeil;,tha~nks very much, fellows . . . And I suze appreciate

your dedicating that song to me . Now, Mahlon, I'm going

back to my dressing room and see if Dsnnis has come in

yet . . .Then we can get on with the---Remlev, stop licking

the lather off RZ face : . : .For heaven'a sakes . . .Now wait

for me, fellows .

(BOUND : FOOTST'1iPS . . . . ll00R OF'.aNS & OLOSHS)

JACK : (SINGS OVER FOOTSTHPS) There's no business like show business . . . Da da da da da da .

(SOUIm : LiGHT BUMP)

JACK : Oh, I beg your pardon . I'm sorry I bumped into you . \ That's all---OH, HI YA, RUBS . JACK : Well, it's my fexmer friend from Calabesae . .Wtyvt aze you g here at the studio? SfnARN : I,1ust aivd on a new quiz program ./Take It Or Milk It . JACK : Oh . IL:ARN : But it ain't the firs time 've been on radio . . . A couple of months ago my told me she'd like a Bendix on the farm, so I v one and ught it home with me . JACK : I'11 bet that your wife happy . I-PARN : Nope, I bmu t home the wrong Bendix--sTs~wanted William . Hee Hee e Hee . . Get it? JACK : I got t, I got it . }EARN : Y ain't the first sucker who fell for that one, Ru

ATX 0 1 0019955 -9-

OK : Hmm . .We11, what did you win on the quiz program today?

HPUT A triplo Hawaii . . .Boy, I'm eure looking forward to se g ose Hula Dancers in them grass akirta . . .Oniy old

hem',T,,didn't want to go tili the end of ober . JACK : Why? HEARN : I wanna be the uring Aa Time .

JACK : Gee, you're fu11 of s today. . . . We11, I'd better run

along now . .I've to xe e . .See you again . R3ARN : So long, JACK : So 1 ' (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .SUSTAIN IN B .G .)

JAChS/ I wonder why he always calls me Rube . .Maybe he t h'tj* e I'm

Rubirosa . . . . Oh well . . .

IE FOOT3TEPS . .DOOR OFENS) ROCH : BACK SO SOON, MR . BENNY?

JACK : IMM& . . .Was Dennis Iay here . . .or did he call? ROCH : NO SIR . .

JACK : I wonder whalre he could be . .I better call up his house

and see if he's left yet .

(SOUND : RECEIVER UP . .CLICKING OF RECEIVER FADING TO BUZZ BUZZ OFSWITCHBOARD)

BEA : Say, Mable? SHIRLEY : What is it, Gertrude? BEA : Mr . Benny'o line L, flashing .

SHIRLEY : Yeah . .I wonder what the Egyptian wants now .

BEA : I'll plug in and find out . (SOUND : PIIJG IN)

RTif01 0019956 I BBA : Yes, Mr . Benny . . . .Okay, I'll ring Dennie's house . .What's

that? . . . . Oh, I'm sorry, but I have another date tonight .

. . .I know we'll have a hot time, but I,just can't . (SOIIND : PUJG WT) SHIRhEY : Did be ask you for a date, Gertrude?

BSA : Not exactly . . .He wanted me to come over to his house and

help him finish the ironing . . . . . Weil, I better try and

get him Dennis Day's house .

(SOUND : PUJG IN . .DI0.LLING SEVEPAL TIMtS)

SHIRLEY : You know, it's always bard getting back to work after a

vacation .

HEA ., , You said it, Mab1e . . .And gee, I had such a wonderful time :"Ill at Catallna . .I became an expert skin diver . SHIHL.Ry : Skin diving? Isn't that the sport where you put on an

oxygen tank and see how far down in the ocean you can go?

BEA : Yeah, and you also have to put fins on your feet . SHIHLSY : . . . .You needed fins?

BEA : Wali, look who's ta ng, the girl who get twenty

dollars an hour for crushing grapes . SHIRIn-'Y : I'm sorry . .no offense was intended . . .Is that skin diving . as exciting as people say it is?

HB4 : Yeah . .you never can tell what wi11 happen . .Once I was

down on the ocean floor, and a great big octopus came up

behind me and wrapped all of itIs eight anns around me . SHIRLc^Y : Gosh, were you seared?

BEA : No, I felt like I bad a date with the Sportsmen Quartet . . .

You know, Mable =I - - - -

(SOUND : BUZZES TWICE)

AT7S01 009995 7 1 BEA : Hmm . .Mr . Benny is so impatient .

(SOUND : PLUG IN) BEA : There's no answer at Dennis Dsy's house, Mr . Benny . . .wtat? . . .But Mr . Benny, I told you before I couldn't come tonight . . .Huh? . . .I don't care if it is Robert Teylor'a shorts, I got a date . . .Goodbye . (SOUND : RECEIVER DOWN) JACK : Gee, that Gertrzde's acting independent lately . ROOH : DID TfE OPEFATOR REACH D3NNIS DAY?

JACK : No, them was no answer at his house . . .He'11 probably

show up soon . Say, Rochester, I gave you the night off . .

If you want,Avou can leave now .

ROCH : I CHANGED MY MIND, BOBS . . .I'M NOT GOING OUT .

JACK : But I thought that you and your friend Roy were going to

the movies?

ROCH : YMWSCT NOW HE DOESN'T WANT TO . .HE TOLD ME HE DECIDED TO PIAY Pr:NNY ANTE IN9TPs4D .

JACK : Well, that doesn't sound very exciting . ROCH : YOU OUGHT TO SnE ANTE :

JACK : Oh, oh, oh . . .Well, anyway Rochester, if you want to leave

youJM --

DEPUIIS :,;1, Hello, Mr . Benny . t nv.i s JACK : Oh, Den nlr~ . I was just trying to get you on the phone!

DENNIS :+. ,~Am I late?

JACK : Not exactly . .but I did want to get the rehearsal started

a little earlier than usual .

01 001995 Rrx e 1 -12-

IcNNIS101atarted out for the studio early . .but on the way hera~

I sau some ople fighting and I tried to stop thsm4o.I

gotAM in the eye twice . JACK: Well, that's your own fault, Dennis . .You shouldn't have tried to stop them from fighting . . .It was none of your business .

DENNIS : ~ Yes, it was . .they were my mother and father . JACK : ~ ~`~"~~yi .y .What caused the argument this time?

DENNIS : ~ 11~y mother was mad at my father .

JACK : Why, what happened?

DENNIS : They moved away again, and my father told me where .

JACK : Dennis, I can't underatand why your mother keeps trying

to lose you . . .After all, she is your mother .

DENNIS : You wouidn't dare 40 say that to her face . _ JACK : No, I guess not . .But bannis,jthese's one thing I don't

understand . . .FOr fifteen tars you've been telling abo ur mother and f her fighting . ' Det3NIS : That's righ

JACK : Well, let me ask yoZ-qk~w ething .}teG can your father hit a wocan?

~ DcNNIS : He hasn't yet . ~ f JACK : Oh. ~._. ~ ` 17ENNIS : Anywa aps ha suc )"h'^^aa. . ~- - .,..h_ _, a. glasa fav,that. . .. sometlmese JACK :\ ok ~nnis,~m ch as I'a like to discuss the pugilistic

proclivities of yor parents, I think we should A o into

the studio and start the rehearsal .

arx 01 0019959 1 -13- vFNNIS : Okay .

(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . . . DOOR OPENS)

(SOUND OF BAND `i'UNING UP) JACK : Hold it, fellows, hold it . .(,We'ne going to have our /

retgarsal now . .but befo re wee do, Dennls wants to his

DENNIS : I do? JACK: Yes, you do . . .N (APPLAUSF) (DENNI9-S -- "THREE COINS IN THF FOUNTAIN") .»,e-.-> ~~ USE) w ...

01 0 1996 flrx 0 0 1 (TRSRD ROUTINE)

JACK : Jet's get on with the ~rehearsal . . .and we may as well start with the sketch . DENNIS :tMlWhat is the sketch we're~ ~ aJ ?

JACK : Well, we're going to do our version of that spectacular

entieth Century x Cinemascope Production, "Garden

Of Evil", fif etarr JGary Cooper, Susan Hayward,

and Rlchaxd Widmark . . . . . Now I will play the Gary Cooper part, which is the leading role .

DENNIS : Naturally. , yes . . . .+3 JACK : Yes, netuifall_ ., n, let's rehesrae it . . .set the scene . DON : Okay. . .A little mood musio, Mahlon . . .

(BAND PLAYS "LCCK SHARP" SIAW) JACK : Mahlon . . .Mahlon . . .Mahlon . . .

(BAND STGPS)

JACK : We're going to Mexico, not Madison Square Gaxden . . .

Now do what Do n Wilson said or he'll bite your arm . . .

Go ahead . (MGCD MUSIC PLAYS BACK OF DON'S SPEECH)

DON : IN TNE MIIH7LE OF THE LAST CENTURY, HOARDS OF AMERICANS

MOVED ON TO CALIFORNIA SEEKING GSLD . . .GUR PlAY CONCERNS

TWO MEN, W3 O WERE BOUND FOR THE GCLD FIELAS BY BOAT, BUT

WERE BLCWN OFF THEIR COURSE ANb IAPIDED ON THE COAST OF

IAWER MEXICO . (MUSIC UP TO CRESCEPIDC . . .THBN GOf .)

ATX01 0019961 I -15-

JACK : (FI[Il'ER) MAH NAME IS SL7M COOPEEi . . .MAH FRIEND, WI[ .SON

WIDMARK AND I LADIDED ON THE COAST OF MEXICO AND FOR TWO

UJNO HULARY DAYS WE WALIM SEARCIiTPKi FOR SII7NS OF

CNILIZATION . . .FINALLY WE CAME ACROSS A SIEEPY LITTLE

TOWN CALi.ED (SNOR&) . . .LATER THIS NAME WAS CHANGID TO

SONORA, MBXICO . .AM TOWN Sffi.4ED DE3KRTED, BUT I FINAIS,Y

TOOK A CHANCE AND KNOCKED ON A DOOR .

(SOUND : KNOCKING ON DOOR . . .PAUSE . . .TI E N CREAKY DOOR OPENS) BEA : Buenos dios, senox*. JACK : (RFD . MIIO;) May we come in? REA : Senor, theea eea a very secret- place . JACK: Secret?

BEA : Yes . .thees ees Hernando's Hideaway .

JACK: Oh. . . .Tell me . .are you Hernando?

BEA : No, Hernando is the cook here .hz . I~u, JACK: Cook? ;%"Oh. .then this is a restaurant . .What do you have to eat? REA : We serve Chili eon carne, frijoles, taoos, guacamole, tortillas, and mahtzo ball soup .

JACK: Mahtzo ball soup? BEA : Hernando is only his first name .

JACK : F6`mm:, .Well, we might as well eat here . . . . Come on, Wilson.

REA : Right thees vay to thee& table . .

(SOUND : COUPLE FOOTS7TPS . ._CHAIRS SCUFFLINO AS

PEOPLE SSP IN TNEM) • l

flTYS09 0019962 1 -I6- `(}~,el-1 i JACK : Say . .look at the menu^theyM got everything on it . . .

Are you hungry, Wilson?

DON : Hungry? I'm so starved I could eat a horse . JACK : Don't you get~~t~it3 ZSf' e ame ng every ay4 . .Sey, ""-"'" Iive been looking at our caitress . .she's klnda cute . . . I'm going to try to date her up . (UP) Hey, Senorita. EA : Si, Senior? JACK : How about a date tonight? BEA : I cannot go out with you, Senor, I am married . . .

The bartender over there is my husband . .

JACK: Your husband, eh? CJ o'"~ ou¢n « ~

(SOUtdI : AB(WP SIX FOOTSTEPS) JACK : Say, are you the bartender? MEL : Si . JACK : And you're married? MEL : Si . ~ JACK : To that ~ over there? MEL : Si . JACK: What's your name? MEL : Cy . JACK : Cy? MEL : Si . JACK : Have you any children? MEL : Seex . JACK : Seex? What are their names? (1

MEL : Sol, S id, Sad e, Sam, Sal, and Junior . JACK : Junlor?AThat must be Cy .

19 TXOt 0019963 1 -17-

MEL : Si . S

JACK : Well, w t i slyour vife , s name?

MEL : Sue . JACK : Sue? . BEA : Si . 4--j JACK : Well, she's a very nicecjW and -- DON : (OFF . .CALS .9) Hey, Slim, the food~'p here~ . JACK: Okay, I'm ooming .

(SOUtII7 : COUPLE FOOTSTEPS . .SITTIt G DOWN)

JACK :~w 898PO looks good . ~ ~WF DYyONt~: Yes, butJit needs salt, and theretl none on the table .

`JACIS~` e I,\Zl :'11 get some . .(CALLS) SUE .

BEA : (SLTf}hTLY OFF) Si?

JACK : Salt . BEA : 51. .(CALLS) Cy4 I MEL : (OFF) Si?

BEA : Selt . MEL : Si . .(CALIS) So1! JACK: Never mindl .we'll eat it without salt .

-~t5g-.^tha ~ - t: :A llxme,

JACK : (F1IlPER) WILSON AND I STARI'FZ7 DATING OUR FOOD IN TRE

OPPRFSSIVE~HBAT OF TRE LPiTLE RESTASIItAN'T, WHEN SUDDENLY

THEADOOR OPENED AND SHE WALKE D IN . .SRE WAS BEAUPIFUL . .

FAIR OF PACE, AND SRE HND A GORGF.OUS FIGURE. .SEE IAOK® LIKE SOMETNING OUP OF ESQUIRB . .ABOUT JULY . .I GOT UP FROM

MY TABLE AND WAI KED ACROSS TRE ROOM TO R6R .

(SOUPaI : FOOTSTEPS WALKING ON WOODEN FIAOR GO ON

AND ON AND ON AND ON . .AND STOP ON JACK'S

CUE)

ATY4 0 1 0019964 -18-

JACK: (FIIIPER) IT WAS REALLY A 3MALL ROOM BVT THIS PICTUAE

WAS IN CItE7MSCOPE . . .SAE BEGAN TO SPEAK .

VEOLA : Someone please help me, please .

JACK : (RM . MIKE) I'll help you, Ma'am . .what is it?

VEOLA : It's taken me a Long time to get here . . .I walked for

over five days . . .over mountains . .aeross rivers . .through

the hot desert . .I was even captured by Indiana : No . . JACK

VEOLA : Yes . .they held me captive for a while, but when I gave them a handful of beads and a cheap necklace they let

me go.

JACK : Stupid Indiana . . .What is it you want? VEOLA : I need a man to go back with me to where I came from . . I need help back there urgently . JACK : But Miss . .that's a dangerous trip . VEOLA : I Imow . .so I'm offering a thousand dollars in gold to any man who'11 come with me : . . .Well . . . - . JACK - VEOLA : (OOMPHY) Or, if you prefer . . .I'11 give you a great big kiss instead .

JACK : (FIIIPER) THIS WAS A CHAId,ANGE TO MY MANHOOD . .I DID WHAT ANY OTHER R®-BLOODED MAN WOULD D0 . WE IENT AFTER I

DEPOSITED THE MONEY IN THE BANK . . .AS WE TRAVELid,'0 THROLGH

THE DANGEROUS COUN1'RY, SHE TOLD ME THE WFpLE STORY . .SHg Alm HQ2 HUSBAND WERE WORKING A GOLD MINE WHICH COLLAPSED . HER HUSBAND WAS TRAPPED AHI) SNE COVLDN'T GET HIM OUT

HERSELF . SHE LEFP HIM FOOD AND WATER AND WENT LOOKBi3 FOR

HELP . .WHEN WE REACHED THE MINE, HE WAS STILL ALIVE . .I

SPOKE TO HIM .

Fi7YS07. 0019965 -19-

JACK: Gee, Pardner, I feel sorry for you . . .you must have gone

through a terrible ordeal .

DENNIS : (BUILDING UP DRAMATICALLY) It was awful . .terrible . .

eight Long days and nights being trapped in here alone . .

I d]fln't mind the pain from my broken leg so much, but

it was the loneliness I couldn't stend . . .TNg TERRIffiE,

FRIGHTENING LONELINESS . .DAY AFTER DAY, NIGRP AFTER NIG}IP

. . .NO ONE TO LOOK AT, TO TALK TO . .JCST BEING ALONE, AIqNE,

AIANE. . .AND THIS MORNING A BIG RATPLESNAKE CRAWIED IN

BfiRE .

JACK : Oh, my goodness, what did you do? DENNIS : I taught him to play gin rmmy .

JACK: Look, take it easynyu're out of your mind . .I1ll try uN dig you out .

DF.NNIB : Not right now, I want to finish this game . . .GINI (SOUND : QUICK BURST OF RATTLILk3 FROM SNAKE) DENNIS : Guch! -Boy, Pat a sore loser . ~-l'hcsr«4~ -~ JACK: 1 The snake bit you!

VEOLA : Oh, do something, do something . DENNIS : No, it's too late . . .I'm going fast . . .Darling, kiss me goodbye . VEOLA : Yes, dear . (yDJLA ANC DENNIS KISS, BUP NOT TOO IANG)

Rrx 01 0019966 1 -20-

1 oem -~!!!!slni9' .

) DENNIS : 0oh, do I hate to go . . . .everything is turning black . . . . Kiss me again . (VEOLA KISSES DENNIS LONGER) ~

JACK: Look, die already . . . . Rm . . . . And ~hadde take the leading

role . What a jerk I was .

DENNIS : Naturally .

JACK : (FILTER) A NSW MINOPFS LATER HE PASSED ON . . .IT WAS THEN

THAT HIS WIFE S.4II) TEAT SHE HAD FALLEN IN LOVE WITH ME,

SO WE GOT MARRIM- . . .WHAT A SNE4KY WAY FOR IN;R TO GEl

HER THOUSAFID DOLLIR.9 BACK . . . . . TRSJLY TAIS IS A GARDEN OF EVIL.

(APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF)

RTDl 0 1 001996? -21-

(NATIONAL)

JACK : Ladies anfl gentlemen, I'll be back in a minute to tell you about my television program which goes on ivmediately

after this show . . . . but first, here's the sweetheart of Lucky Strike, Miss Dorothy Collins .

(PACIFIC COAST)

JACK : ladies and gentlemen, I'll be back in a minute to tell you about my television program which goes on at 7 Md

tonight over the CBS Television Network . . . . but first,

here's the sweetheart of Lucky Strike, Miss Dorothy

Collins .

fiTX 01 0019968 1 HF, AMERICAN TOH -0- f1E JACifBENN3-PROGAAKI TN~~5 :7MS

CIqSIPAi COFKCRCTAL (CONT'D)

WILSON : That's the Lucky Strike story, pure and simple . . . (CONT'D) and why you'll enjoy them . A Lucky tastes better

because it's the cigarette of fine tobacco and it's

toasted to taste better . So, get a carton of

better-tasting Luoky Strike!

FlrY(o1 0019969 I THE ANlF.RICAN TOBACCO COMPANY -D- THE JACK BENNY pROGRAM OCTCBER 3, 1954

CI45IHC CODAfERCIAL Optional :

TRAN8CRIBED : If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette, COLLINS Y1ITH A CAPELIA LucIC, t@ rike is the brand to get! VERBION OF SONO IT'S TOASTL9 to give you the best taste yet It's the toasted (CL4P . . . CIAP, CIAP) cig-a-rette .

•

AT801 0019970 (TAG) -22-

JACK : Ladies and gentlemen, as I mentio[fed before, tonight

I ' m doing my first television show of the season . . .And

this year I'll be on TV every other week . . . and,

of course, radio every week . . . Gee, what hard work . . .

If I didn't stay thirty-nine, I'd never be able to

take it . . . Coodnight, folks, I'm a Little old -- I

mean a little late .

(APPLAUSE AND MUSIC)

DON : The Jack Benny Program tonight was written by Milt Josefsberg, John Taokaberry, AS Gordon, Hal Goldman,

and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks .

The Jack Benny Program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company -- America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes .

0 RTM 1 0019971 1 HtOGRW

ANg:RICAN TOBACCO COMPANY IACKY STRIKE THS JACK BENNY PROORAM

SUNDAY OCTOBER 10 1954 CBS 4•00 - 4 :30 PM PST (Transoribed - September 27, 1953)

CAST : JACK BENNY tdARY LIVIRGSTONE DL'NNIS D4Y EDDIE ANDERSON DON WILSON BOB CROSBY IRIS ADRIAN SAM HFHRN Mb3. BLANC HY AVERBACK SPORTSMEN QUARTEP

N.G

01 199 arx 00 72 1 TI~ Ah E N T OBAC 0 COMPANY -A- C~.-+H SC, 1954 OPENIMS CotM1CRCIAL

WILSON : TF E JACK BENNY PROGRAM . . . transcribed end presented

by Lu cky Strike, the cigarette that's toasted to teste better! (TRAN3CRIRDD "If you want better taste from your cig-e-rette, COLLINS : WITH A La~ Strike Is the brand to get! CAPPSLLA BACINRWND) IT'S TOASTED to give you the beat taste yet, It's the toasted (CLAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette .

They take fine tobacco, it's light tobacco, it's mild

tobacco, too

Then IT'S TOAS7ED, yes IT'S TCASTfiD, because the toasting brings the flavor right through .

So, to get better taste from your c]g-e-rette,

1uc Strike is the brand to get!

IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (CLAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) c1g-a-rette!

WILSON : This is Don Wilson . As cigarette smokers, you and I know the most important single thing any cigarette can

offer is taste -- better taste . And as many millions

of Lucky smokers will tell you -- Lackies taste better .

You know why? Because "IT'S TCI4STFSD"!

Yes, IT'S TOASTED to taste better . Luckies' better taste ectually begins with the fine tcbacco that goes

into every Lucky Strike . L4/tT'P, Lucky Strike means

fine tobacco . And then, that fine tobacco is toasted .

IT'S TOASTED! DY (MORE)

Arx 01 00199 , 3 THE AMERICAN TOBACCO CObffANY -B- TfL JACK BENNY PROGRAM #3 oomoBER 10, 1954 . OPENIAG COMb^ERCIAL (CONT'D) ON: That's the famous Lucky Strike process that tones up WCONP'D) Luckies' naturally mild, good testit~g tobacco - brings

it to its peak of flavor -- makes it taste even better .

Cleaner, fresher, smoother . So, for better taste in

your cigarette, Be Happy -- Go Luckv! Buy a carton of

better testing Lucky Strike!

OPTIONAL :

(TRANSCRISED "If you wsnt better taste from your cig-s-rette, COLLINS : WITH A Luc Strike is the brand to get! CAPELLA BACKGROUND) IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, it's the toasted (CLAP . . . CLAP, CL4P) cig-e-rette .

1 7 AiX01 00 99 4 1 (FIRST RQITINE) (AFPER CcdU'lERCIF.L, MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON: THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . .WITH MARY r LLVINGSTONE, ROCR&STER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND

"YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPIAUSE. .MUSIC UP AND D04IN) DON: LADIES AND GEi'iPLEtASN . . .EVERY SATGRR4Y MORNIN;r Af'TER REHEA4°AL THE JACK BENNY CAST USUALLY DROP3 INPO ^_HE CORNER I%tUGSTORE FOR A ISGHT LUNCH. AS THE SCENE OPENS, ALL OF US, WITH THE DCCEPTION OF'JACK HAVE JUST ENTERED THE DRUG STORE .

(SOUND: IYtUG STORE AND LUNCHEON'ETE NOISES UP. . .

FADE TO B.G.) DON: Hey, we're lucky, £eilows . . .it isn-t crowded at all . BENNIS : Yeah. . .we can have our regular table . BOB : Well, 1et-s sit down .

(SOUND: SCUFFLING OF CHAIRS)

MARY : Hey, Jack must have finished his business at the studio . . he's standing on the eorner on the other side of the street . LJN: I wonder what the private business was he had to take

care of?

MARYc~,He went up to see Mr . Ackerman, the Vice President of C .B .S . . .This is the day Jack is giving the network his

ultimatum?

BOB :V-QklWhat ultimatum? i MARY : Either C .B .S . gives him free parking or he's going back to N.B .C .

Hrxo i 00199?5 I -2_

DENNIS : Gee, that'll never work .

BOBAW i Why not?

DENNIS : That's why he left N .B .C . in the first plaoe. MARY: That's right . (5(kIND : DOOR OPENS OFF WIT3 TINfCLY BELL ., .WB HEAR OFF TRAtTIC NOISFS . . .DCOR CLOSFS, . .SOUfID CUT) DON:~_h., HRRE WE ARE JACK .

JACK: (OFF) Okay,,,eorry I took so long .

(SOUND : COUPLE FOOTSTEFS . . .STOP)

JACK : What did you---what did you kids order?

BOB: JI,,Nothing, .we were waiting for you . .311 JACK : Oh, t~heri)I1ll call the waitress,, .(SWEETLY) Oh, Miss, Miss . IRIS ; WHADDA YA WANT, MAC : JACK : We-d like to order some food . . .do you have a menu? IRIS : Yeah .,,here . JACK : Thanks . . .now let me see . . .Hey, wait a minute . .this is a menu from the Brown Derby .

IRIS : I know, the stuff on ours would turn your stomach .

JACK : Hun m . ~ uSY BOB : Say, look, .Miss,,,a11 I want is . Ian egg sandwich and a

glass of milk .

MARY: I'll have the same .

IRIS : Okay . . DON: Now,

IRIS : IMW, tj at do you want, Tafon Boy?

0 RTN 1 0019976 I -3-

DCN: (MAD) Now wait a minute, Miss . . .maybe I have to take those kind of insults when I'm on the radio, . .but I don't have to take them from you .

IRIS : Gee, I'm sorry, Mac . . .I didn't know you was sensitive, DON: Well, I am . . .you don't have to presume I'm not sensitive

just because I'm a big fat slob .

JACK: Don,, .control yourself . .

DON : All right „Now Mlss, I'd like to order, .,all I want is

a bowl of vebetable soup .

IRIS : Gkay, JACK : Dennis, Dennis ., .what'11 you have? DENNIS : Let me see . .,Miss, do you have any vicysolsse? IRIS : No .

DENNIS : Well, do you have any escargots saute en vin rose?

IRIS : No. IENNIS : Well, how about shishkebob and kreplach? IRIS : No . JACK : Dennis, this is only a drugstore . Why are you ordering things like that? DENNIS : I want her to know I've been around .

JACK: Stop being silly 4W order something you'd get in a drug

store .

DENNIS : Okay-- I'll have a chicken sandwich . IRIS : With mayonnaise? DENNIS : No, toothpaste . JACK : Now cut that out,, .Miss, Just bring him a chicken sandwich . That's all ;:WGo get the food,

N.G

RT 9 01 0019977 1 IRIS : OKAY, MAC, II IL BE BACK IN A FL4SH WITH THg TRASH .

JACK: Never mind, just go get it . (SOUND~ :# 3DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS)

JACK : . . .You kn,\-it1s hard to believe that she used to do

the covmercisls on the Lady Esthe.• Program . . . Now look,

Dennis, when we do the show -- wait aari, where did

Dennis go? MARY

: I don't know .

DON: Oh, there he is, over by the Juke Box, DffiiNIS : (OFF) Hey look, they've got one of my reoosds here . MAHY:..V¢1 ;Nhy don't you play it, Dennis? DfirIIiIS : I can-t,, .I haven't got a nickel . JACK: Has anybody got a nickel? BOB :U.1C(t,I haven-t .

DON: . . .Neither have I .

NAHy: All I have is a dime .

JACK: I can change it .

MAHIt : . . .Jack Benny, I ought to --

JACK: All right, all right„Here l e the nickel, Dennis . .catch. (SOUND : NICKQ, IN SLOT . .MECHANISM STARTS)

(nENrrzs ' s so M-- "SOHH& N ro--May 9, 1954) (APPLAUSB) .

8 flT 01 001997 8 1 -5- (SSCOim ROUTINE)

MARY : Gee, that wes beautiful . JACK : It sure wes . .(UP) S~y Dennis, will yo~u~look in the $uke box aM see if there are any --- 7~ .~qow where did that kid go?

DON : I don't know . . . .he disappeared while his record was

JACK : Oh . MARY : Say Bob, I've been meaning to tell you how much I enjoy

your C .B.S . television show .

DON : O~\, Me, too , 806 . JACK:APw~Same here, MM .You know, Bob, I watch your shows svery afternoon and they're very good .

BOBa.UF.((,Thenks, Jack . JACK: But I heve a little suggestion . . .You know, just a little constructive criticiam . .I thought that if you got a

comedy guest star occasionally, you'd get--no really, you'd

get more laughs on the program . h BOB : But Jack, we don't go. i for guest stars . .mine is sort of a homey show .

JACK k Bob, homey show or not homey, I still think it's a big :WC) r lift to have a guest star come in .,particularly a comedian . BOB:Wa1k,Maybe so, but gee, we don't have much money in the budget . JACK: Well . .how much -- how much can you pay for a guest star? BOB : Well, about fifteen bucks .

MAftY : For fifteen bucks Jack can be homey . JACK : Certainly . . .I know a lot of recipes . . .Anyway, Bob it's a very good show and ---

Arxov 0019979 I -6-

DENNIS : (COMING IN) Hey, did the rest of you finish eating

already?

JACK: Yes, Dennis, where were you? DENAIS : Well, I thought as long as we were in a drug store, I'd weigh myself . JACK: Oh .

DENNIS : I weigh a hundred and forty pounds, stripped . JACK: Stripped?

DENNIS : I took the weighing machine into the phone booth . JACK: IAok, Dennis . . . DENNIS : And when I put in Mb penny, a little card came out . BOB :INei~)ihat did it say?

DENNIS : "Pu~t on your pants, kid a lady wants to use the phone ." JACK; Dennis Btop already, will you . .stop being silly . DON ; :vi./He's not being silly, Jack . .sometimes those things just happen by coincidence . JACK: Oh sure, sure . Lx4A1 DON : ]W, that's the truth . Once I put a penny in a scale and you ought to see the card that came out . JACK+iluj+dhat did it say? DON : "Get off , you're hurting me ."

JACK : Well, that I belleve . .That could happen .

IRIS : I-hate to break up this rovnd-table discussion, but v i11 there be anything else? MARY : Not for me . .anyone want anything? DON: Not me . BOB;`~UE,(q've had enough. i IRIS : Okay . .here's the check . BA

80 pr 1 0019980 1 u,~.e -7-

BOB~ I'll take it, Mlas .

DON:C'--No o, Bob ., let me pay it, it'e my turn today .

DENNIS : Wait a minute, Don, you paid last time . .I'11 pay today .

DON : No no . .Bob paid last time .tiivy turn . -iJ,v~ BOB : No, Don, you're wrong . . .Dennls paidtrest time . .an~it's

my turn . MAHY: Oh, for heaven's sakes, fellows . . .let's all go Dutch . JACK: Mary, it's their argument, keep out of it . . . . .«[Qoesn't concern you, you know .

IRIS : Hey, Blue Eyes, how come you never pay a check, did you take a pledge or something? JACK: For your Snformation, Miss, it just so happens that the last time I picked vp the check . IRIS : You had to, you were alone . JACK : That has nothing to do with it . BOB : (..~, Miss, I'll pay it . .Here . . .keep the change . IRIS : Thanks .

DON : I've got a car outside . .anybody want a lift? DENNIS :,V,,Not me . .it's such a nice day, I'm gonna walk . BOB :~N , Say Don, I've got to go over and see my brother about

something . .and say, you pass Bing's house on your way home, don't you? DON : Yes'„ Bob .

BOB : Well, Irould you mind dropping me off at his gate? DON : Look, I'll drive you right up to his door . BOB : No, no, just drop me at the gate, I'll take a bus the rest of the way . BA

fir)f01 0019981 I -8-

JACK : Gee, he muat -- he must have a big place~p6 .w1. 2, (SODNDt TINKLY BELL RINGS AS DOOR OPENS ., WE NOW HEAR TRAFFIC NOISFS . .FOOTSTEPS . . . FADE TO B .G.) BOB : Well, so long, M¢ry . .so long, Jack . MARY & JACK; So long . . .So long . .goodbye, Bob . DON: 7®., .5ee you at the show . JACK: Yeah . .so long, Don . .see you later . (SOUND: TRAFFIC NOISES UP & ll04M)

MARY : Gee, it's still early . .and the weather's so nice . . . . dl - I think I'll go out end play nine~hales of golf . JACK: Mary, that's a wonderful idea,4l'll join you . Can you drive me by the house, #E got to pick up my golf clubs . MARY: Sure . . .Nq car's right in that parking lot .

JACK: Gaod . . .you get the car and meet me at the corner . . I

want to get a newspaper .

MARY: P.ll right . .see you in a couple of minutes . JACK: Okay .

(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .TRAFFIC NOISE:3 . . AUTO HORNS, EI'C .) JACK; 3ee, that Bob Crosby is a nice guy . . . Imagine him _iv,ng the waitress a dollar tip . .Gee I'11 bet it made her feel good . . .I got a thrill out of it and I wss .only watching . . .Now let's see . .I want to get a paper . . . . . which paper do I want to get here

HEARN: Hi ys, Rube . JACK: Huh? . .Oh, it's my friend from Calabesas . (APPIAUSE) BA

HTH 0 1 0019982 -9-

JACKl 33%oah, i haven't seen you in nearly agee,r~ .Tell~ me, what are you doing here in Los Angeles?

HFARN : Came to get some supplies for my farm . .I just bought an

electric milking machine .

JACK : You need an electric milker for your cowa?

HEARN : Yep, it's kinds hard to squeeze out a living by hand . . .

(LAUGHS) Hee hee hee, ain't that a hundinger? Heard it on a homey show the other afternoon .

JACK; Could that have been Bob's? . . .I don't know . . . . . Is that all

you have on your farm, j ust cowe? rW. a.J . . . ; Oh no.Gmsin crop . HEARN is grapes . .we operate our own winery .

JACK: Well, that sounds like a nice pleasant occupation .

HEARR : Pleasant but dangerous, Rube, dangerous . . .In fect, just

a short time ago my uncle fell into one of those b1g vats

full of wine and drowned . 1A JACK: 1~dr. .~adSn wine? HEARN : Yep . . .took the mortician five days to get the smile off his face .

W JACK. Z~ ell can't understand how -- (SOUIVD : 7470 14UD IITATIENT BEEPS OF AN AUTO HORH) JAOK: Ce, I'm sorry, that car is honking for me . .iAB got to go ncw . .,64Mle pice running into you . .Goodbye .

HFARN ; So long, Rube .

JACK : So long, so long .

(APPIAUSE)

(SOUND ; COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS . . .CAR DOOR OPENS) BA

T 0 R N 1 0019983 1 -10-

JACK : Here I am, Mery . MARY: Hi ya, Rube . JACK : Oh, stop . . .Come on, let's get going .

(SOUND : CAR MOTOR GOING . .FADE AND SUSTAIN IN B .G.)

MARY : Gee, I'm glad we finished rehearsal early . Q e -csuch a nice day for golf . JACK: Yeah . MARY: Say Jack, what did the headlines in the paper say? JACK : How do you like that ., .I kept telking with that fermer 90 I forgot to buy a paper .

MARY : Well, turn on the radio, end we'1l hear the news .

JACK : All right .

(SOUND : CLICK OF RADIO . . . STATIC WHISTLFS)

HY: (??LTER) AND NOW FOR AN01'iER NEWS IT'aM . .PROFESSOR

TH?DDEUS LP.bIDER'P OF THE UNIVERSITY CF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

H=.S FOUND A SUCCE3SFUL SOLUTION TO THE 5[40G PROBIEM IN

LCS ANGELBS .,HE HAS MOVED TO COLORADO . . . WE CONTINUE OUR

PRCCRAM WITH A MUSICAL INTERLUDE, AND BRING YOU THE

SPORTSMEN QUARTET SINGING'"OH" .

JACK: Mu^y, that's our quartet . MARY: Ye=_n,

RTXO1 0019984 1 QUART ; Oh, lady, Oh, how she can snuggle, she's as sweet as can be . And when we're in the parlor

Oh, the way she whispers pretty nothing's to m

A11 I can do is holler

Oh, it isn'twhat she does, but Oh, the clever way she does it .

NJ[peclally when she meets me neeth the moon above . Sweet cookie

Oh, what'11 I do the way she sends me Hith her go get 'em eyes

And puts me in 9 flurry A A Oh, the way I fall for ~her beautiful lies Believe mo I should worry Oh, the way she feeds me taffy Oh, I think she'll drive me daffy Oh, oh, oh, oh,

How my super aentimental wonderful sweetie can love . Oh, lady, oh du de loo de

The way she holds a Lucky Strike in her hand

It makes me very happy Oh, du le loo de

For deep down smoking pleasure Luckles are grand .

Just ask your dear old pappy Oh, such fine and light tobacco Oh, there's twenty in a pack so Lsdy, when I see you light a Lucky I know together we'11 be saying

Oh, a Lucky has a better taste it is true v I like to sing about 'em . BA

0 0019985 RTX 1 I -12-

QUART : Oh, a cleaner fresher smoke, it's smoother for you (CONT'D) I'll never be without 'em . Oh, the only smoke for me is

Oh, an L S MF Tand Oh, oh, oh, ob,

I'm so wild about a Lucky

All I can say is just Oh

All I cen say is just Oh .

(APPIAUSa)

fiT6{O1 . 0019986 1 (THLRD ROUTINE) -13-

(SOUND : CAR COMING TO STOP) MARY: Well, here we are, Jack . Run in and get your clubs . JACK: Want to corne in the house .000ft for a minute, Mary? MARY: No, I'll wait out here in the car .

JACK: Okay . .410F~ahow you my etchSngs . . . .0 (Ybn't take me long . (SOOND : CAR DOOR OPENS & CLOSE4 . .FOOTSTEPS ON

CFNDENT WALK . .FOOTSTEPS STOP . .KCY IN DOOR . . .

DOOR OPPNS & CLOSES)

ROCH : (OFF) IS THAT YOU, MR . BINNY?

JACK : Yes, Rochester .

ROCH : (COMING IN) WOCID YOU LIRE ME TO FIX YOU SOMB IANCH? JACK: No thanks, I just -- wait a minute, Rocheater. .what ere you doing with my violin? ROOH: I'M GOING TO PUT IT BACK IN THE CASE . THAT VIOLIN'S BEEN LYING AROUND EVER SINCE YOU YRSVT OFF THE ATR LAST JUNE . JACK : That long? ROCH: UH HGH . . .TN FACT, IT'S GOT MOLD ALL OVER IT . JACK : Well, did you wipe it off? ROCH: NO SIR : Why not?. JACK

ROCH : BOSS, MOLD MAKES PINICILLIN AND THAT THING NEEDS ALL THE

HELP IT CAN GET .

JACK : Never mind . . .and clean it up good because I'm going-to play my violin on my television show neFt Sunday . ROCH : NO_I : : v ~ JACK : Yeah yeah .l . .Now look, I'm going out to play some golf witt Miss Livingstone . CB

Rr 801 00199 8 7 -14-

ROCH:CSj. YOUR CLUBS ARE IN THE CLOSEf . JACK: I know . . And Rochester, at five o'clock I went you to drive out to the club house, and bring me home . ROCH: I CAN"T, MR . BENIIVY . . .THE MECHANICS ARE WORKING ON YOUR N.AXWELL DOWN AT THE GARAGE . JACK: Why, what's wrong with my car?

ROCH: NCTHING, IT'S JUST TIME FOR ITS MILLION MILE CHECK-UP .

JACK: All right, all right . . .I'll have Miss Livingstone drive me

home . . .Now Rochester, don't bother about dinner tonight

because I'm going out . ROCHo OKAY . . .BUT BOSS . . . JACK : Yeah?

ROCH : Wr:.d, . . .IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS . .BUT I THINY. YOU OUGHf TO STAY HOME TONIGHT WITH POLLY . JACK : With the parrot?

ROCH: YEAH . . .SHE'S BEIN ACTING AWFULLY FUNNY LATELY . . .SHE'S -- SHB'S SO MOODY . JACK : a?I think you're imagining it, Rochester . . . . Perrots . 40~

don't get moody .

ROCH : WEL, POLLY IS . . .AND SHE'S DOING THE STRANGEST THINGS . JACK : Whet do you mean?

ROCH: RE_,NBER THAT COCONUT YOU BOUGHT RER?

JACK : Yes . .did she eat it?

ROCH : EAT IT, SHE'S TRYING TO HATCH IT .

JACK: 7/l1h . .Well, maybe I better go in and take a look at her . (SOUND : COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS . .COUPLE MORE FOOTSTEPS) CB

80 6 fiT 1 00199 8 1 -15-

JACK : (VERY BRIGHI') Hello, Polly . MEL : ~ (b1Al(G~;3 SAD NOISES) JACK : Gee~,-shsJ! won't look at me . . .Polly it's me . .Deddy . . . MEL : (SAD NOISE) JACK : (MAD) Now Polly, stop sitting on that cooonut . MET. : (SAD NOISE) JACK : I wonder what's wrong with her . . .Imagine her trying to hatch y-- SAY, Rochester . .thst's it . . .the poor thing is 4'Jn2 -S1r~-Cr ell alone, so sneyoesn't know any better . .I think I'll buy a mate for her . MEL : Buy e mate, buy a mate . .(S(VA4N6 & WHISTLE)

ROCH: UH-UH, MR . BFNNY . . .~TTIME YOU BOUGHT HER A

MATE . . .YOU HAD THOSE TWO PARROTS IN THE SAME CAGE FOR OVER

A YEAR AND THEN YOU DISCOVEEH•;D THEY W172E BOTH FFMALEB .

JACK : Yeah . . .I wonder how that happened?

MEL : Somebody goofed . . . (SQUAWK & WHISTLE)

JACK : Well, don't look at me as though I'm stupid, Po11y . . .You didn't know yourself for nearly a year . . .Gee, Rochester,

rW,i-now you've got me kind~lR worried . (SOUND : DOOR OPIIV9)

MARY : (COMING IN) For heavens sakes, Jack -- what's taking you so long?

JACK : I'm sorry, Mary, but Polly isn't feeling well . MARY : (SYMPATHETIC) Oh, that's too bad . .the poor thing . .what's

wrong with her?

ROCH : MISS T IVINGSTONE, SHE JUST SITS AROiHSD IN ?H':R CAGE AlL DAY BROODING . .IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR 1fEEK5 NOSf.

flT}4 0 1 00199 8 9 MARY : Jack, you ought to do something . . .Why don't you take her to a psychiatrist?

JACK: A psychiadmii? Mary, this is no time for joking . MARY : I-m not ,joking• .•they have psychiatrists for animals . . . . I know one right near here . JACK : A11 right . . .I'11 get Polly and we'll go . (TRANSITION MCSIC) MARY : Jack, here's the doctor's office . . .You go in with Polly . . (~yL&I'11 wait outside in the car .

JACK : Okay . (SOUND: DOOR OPENS & CLOSE4 . .FOOTSTEP9) HY : (VIr"T.7NFBE ACCENT) Yes sir . .may I help you? JACK: Well~.. .are you the psychiatrist? HY

: Yes sir . . . . I am Dr . Hugo Brauner, PHD . JACK: P .H.D.? BY : Parrots, Horses, and Dogs . . .Those are my specialties, but I take care of all animals . JACK : Ch . . .well, I've come to see you about my parrot here . .I think she has some sort of a complex .

MEL : (MAM SAD NOISES)

HY : Vell -- what seems to be wrong With the little lady?

JACK~F.~(She's very melancholy lately . . .and today I gave her a

coconut and she tried to hatch it . . .Could it be possible that birds long for motherhood?

HY : Certainly : (SQUAHK) . MEL HY : Tell me, how long has she been acting so moody? CB

0 RiK 1 0019990 1 -17-

JACK : For a few weeks . .before that she was always ,jolly . . .she used to love to listen to the radio and television . NY : A parrot that enjoyed radio and television, this I cannot believe . ME : (SQIIAWK4) Paper-mate Pen is leak proof . (WBISTLi9 ) HY : I believe . . .Now to help her, maybe it would be good if you tell me zumzing about yourself . .Whet do you do? JACK : Well, I'm Jack Benny and -- BY : Oh yesq .you looked familiar . . . . Well, in addition to yourself, Mr . Benny, how many people come in contact with this parrot?

JACK : Well, there's my valet, my cast, and my six writers .

HY :,,}n,ti~T.nd what is this parrot's name? JACK : Polly .

BY : It took six writers to think of that? JACK : Look, Doctor --

KY : Never mind, never mind . .Now tell me, how old is this parrot ?

JACK : Well, let me figure it out .l.~t e man in the pat shop where 1 bought her said she was born in eighteen ninety-four . . That would make her --

MEL : (SQUAWKS) Thirty-nine . (WHISTLFS) HY: . . .where does she get such delusions? JACK : I'm sure I don't know .

HY : Now, Mr . Benny . .you say this parrot listens to radio . . ? . does she like music JACK : Oh, she loves OP . rvuyDw . CB

HTlf01 0019991 HY6W•Gocd, I will give her a word association test . JACK : 'lord association about muslo4

NY : Yes . .I will give her a word end by automatic reflex she

will say the first thing that comes into her mind .

JACK : Oh, good good . HY : Now Polly . .listen . . .Piano .

MEL : LSberace . (SQIAWK9 ) HY : Clarinet .

MEL : Benny Goodman . (Y!NffiTLP 3 ) NY : Violin.

MEL : Penicillin . (S WANK) HY : That I do not understand at all . JACK: It must have been something she heard, HY : Cbviously . . .Now to continue the word test . . .Listen Polly . . Father . . ME[.: (SAD NOISFS) HY : Mother . • MII, : (SAD NCISFS)

BY : Baby .

01 ATN 0019992 1 -19-

MEL : ~(SINGS AND CRIES)

Climb upon my knee, Sonny Boy .

You are only three, Bonny Boy .

You've not way of knowing,

There's no way of showing HY : You sre right, Mr . What you mean to me, Sonny Benny . She yearns for

Boy, Sonny Boy, Sonny Boy . a baby .

When there are gray skies, JACK : That's what I thought,

I don't mind the gray skies, MW -- Polly, be quiet You make them blue, Sonr.y Boy, . .Dootor, Dootor, I'll

Sonny Boy, Sonny Boy, Sonny go to the ---- Polly,

Boy, Sonny boy . please . . .I'11 go to

Friends may forsake mo the pet shop and get

Let them all forsake me an egg . . . . Polly,

I'll still have you, control yourself .. .stop

Sonny Boy, Sor,ny Boy . crying . . .Polly, we'll

You're ser.t from hocven go right t~he pet

A:.d I kmcw your xort .*. ~shopY.POl y . .Pollf--~- .---Jy Sonny boy, sonny boy . . I'11 get you an egg . . Pol1y . .PCLLY . .I'LL GSP

YOU AN IS3C . .LEP'S GO, PCLLY .

(APPL0.US3 & PLAYOFF)

01 RT7l 0079993. 1 OBACC -C-

GTOBER 10, 19

-LOSING COMNERCIAL

WILSON : We'll hear from Jack egain in just a minute, but first, the Sweetheart of Lucky Strike -- Ibrothy Collins :

(TRANSCRIBED "If you went better taste from your cig-e-rette, COLLINS : WITH PSTLL Luc Strike is the brand to get! CALYPSO VgRSION) IT'S TOASTLD to give you the best taste yet,

It's the toested (CLAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette .

They take fine tobacco, it's light tobacco, it's mild

tobacco, too Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S T0 .4STED, because the toasting brings the flavor right through .

So, to get better teste from your cig-a-rette, Luc Strike is the brand to get : IT'S TOASTED to give you the best teste yet, It's the toasted (CLAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette!

WILSON : That's something to remember, friends : "If you went better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brend to get!" Yes, because IT'S TOASTED to taste better . Now, first of all, Luekies teste better because they're made of fine tobacco . LS/tTT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, naturally mild good-testing tobacco. And then, that tobacco is toasted .

"IT'S T0.4STED" -- the famous Lucky Strike process -- tones up Luckies' naturally mild good-testing, tobacco

to make it taste even better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . DY (MORE)

Ri}l 0 10019994 TS!C AM6RICAN TOHACCO COMPANY -a OCTOBER lO,NNY~ OGRAM ~

CLOSING COMMERCIAL (CONT'D)

i{eepp that in mind and for a better tasting smoke every WC~MON :"D) time -- nake your cigaratte -- Lucky Strike!

(TRANSCRIBED "If you went better taste from your c1g-e-rette, COLLINS : WITR PULL Lac Strike is the brand to get! CALYPSO VL+RSION) IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

It's the toasted (CL4P . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-e-rette!

FlTYS01 0019995 I (TAG)

(SOUND : CAR GOING ALCNG)

MARY : Jack, what did the psychiatrist say about Polly? JACK : Ch, she'll be all right . All birds get moody once in a while .

(SOUND : AUTO HORNS)

MARY : It's a shame we missed our golf game . . .but maybe ve can play next week .

JACK : No, Mary, I'm gonna be busy all week rehearsing for my

television show next Sunday .

MARY : (DISGUSTED) Gosh, Jack, are you going to be on television that often?

JACK : Mary, read that line the way we rehearsed it .

MARY : (TNRILLED) Gosh, Jack, are you going to be on television

that often? JACK : That's better . .Goodnight, folks . (APPLAUSE)

flIYS 0 1 0019996 -21-

DCN : The Jack Benny 6hov tonight was written by Sam Perrin, :

Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Hal

Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and trensoribed by

Hilliard Marks .

The Jack Benny Program vas brought to you by lucky Strike

--product of the American Tobacco Company . . .Americe's

leading manufacturer of cigarettes .

ar 901 0019997 1 v PROGRAM #4

~~C3~S ~yrtxuilCU.b4°

AMERICAN TOBACCO CUNPANY IACRY STRIKE

THE JACK BENNy PROGRAM

SUNL14x OCTOBER 17, 1954 CBS 4 :CC - 4 :30 PM PST

(Original Tape - Nov . 16, 1952)

CAST : Jack Benny Mary Livingstone Rochester Dennls Iay Bob Crosby The Sportsmen Qvartet Mel Blanc 1-~ ov. W:\Sc.-.~ .l. ~ ta ll

RTXO1 0019998 I TRE AMLRICAN TOBACCO CQtlPANY -A- '0'TRE~JARCK7BR1NN~PRWRAM" //A

OPENING OOGAfERCIAL.

WIISON : THE JACK BENNY PRCGRAM . . .transcribed and presented by Iucky Strike, the cigarette that's toasted to taste better : (TRANSCRIBED "If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette, COLLINS : Lucky Strike is the brand to get! IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

It's the toasted (CIAP . . .CIAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette .

They take fine tobacco, it's light tobacco, it's

mild tobacco, too . Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASTED,

because the toasting brings the flavor right through .

So, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette,

Lucky Strike is the brand to get : IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

It's the toasted (CIAP . . .CIAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette :"

WILSON : Friends, this is Don Wilson . If you're not getting

all the enjoyment you should be getting from your

present cigarette, switch to Lucky Strike -- and see

for yourself how much more real, deep down smoking

enjoyment you get from Iuckies' better taste . A

L.xcky tastes better because it's the cigarette of fine

tobacco and IT'S TOASTED to taste better . (MORg)

6 rx 01 0019999 I ~~ AnmuCAN TOBACCO COMPANY -B- r Tfd; JACK BENNY PROGRAM" //4

OPENING CO~AISRCIAL (CONT'D)

WILSON : IT'S TOASTED is the femoue hcky Strike process that (CORTID) tows up Iuckies' fine, naturally good-taeting tobacco

to mske it taste even better . Cleaner, fresher,

smoother . Yes, find out for yourself . Buy a

carton of better tasting Lucky Strike :

OPTIONAL : .

(TRANSCRIHED If you want better taste, etc . COLLINS : (2nd Paragraph, Pg . A)

,. BH

0 RTX 1 0020000 1 a.,...Y,. ~

(FIR4T ROUTINE) (AFTER COMMIIiCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : THE IIJCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITN MARY

LIVINGSTONE,,ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, THE

SPORTSMEN QUARTET, AND "YWRS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPLAUSE . . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : LADIES AND GENTLE7.18N . . .TONIGHT JACK BENNY DOES ANGT'fER kiv x TEIEVISION PROGRAM, BUT IN Tf E MEAN~ LEf'3 GO BACK TO

T2i78 MORNING IN BEVERLY HILLS . AS WE LOOK IN ON THE

RSNNY HOUSEHOLD, WE FIND JACK JUST ENTERING THE KITCHEN. (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) JACK : iiucn . . .Rochester must have overslept again . . .I'il go wake Y3r.n up and have him fix my breakfast . . .I don't know why it is, but every tLue I give him a day off, the next corning he oversleeps . . .This is the second time it's happened this year . Oh we11, I might as we11 let him sleep and fix breakfast myself . . .Now let's see . . .Where

does Rochester keep the coffee . . .I'11 try this cupboardYhz~ .

(SOUND : CUPBOARD OPENING) JACK : Yc . .it's fiiled with Ideal Dog Food . . .I'li try this one . . . (SOUND : CUPBOARD OPENING) JACK : No, this one's filled with Ideal Dog Fcod, too . . .Maybe it's in this cupboanl .

(SOUND : CUPBOARD OPENING)

801 2 Ar oo ooo 1 1 _2_

JACK : H mmm ., .more Ideal Dog Food . . .There's no doubt about it . . .

I'll either have to get a dog or stop mentioning that

stuff on my pmgxam . . . . Weii, I can't find the coffee . . .

I'll just have to wake Rochester. (SOUND : F00TSTEPS . .DOOR OP&NS . .MORE FOOTSTEPS . . DOOR OPEN)

ROCH : (SNORES ShVER1L TIMES)

JACK : Rochester, it's time to get up .

ROCH : (SNOR3S SOME MORE)

JACK : Rochester . .Rochester . .get up . ROCH : (SNORES) JACK

: Ft® . . .I'il take this feather duster and tickle his chin . (SOUND : SWISHING CP FFA'17IIt IIJSTER)

ROCH ; (GIGGLES) HEE HEE HEE, .HONEY, YOU SURE GOT LONG

EYSIASHES .

JACK : ROCHESTER . . G8T UP :

ROCH : (L^ITr.RRUPTED SNORg) HUH, .,WHAT. . .OR, IT'S YOU, MR . BENNY : JACK : Yes, it's me, honey . . .And I want my breakfast .

ROOH : (YAWNING) I'LL GET IT . . . .GOSH, BOSS, LM SORRY YOU WOKE

P2 UP WHEN YOU DID . .I WAS HAVING THE MOST WONDERFUL DREAM ;

JACK : I ;mow . .I mean, you were dreaming about a giri .

ROCH : Y',lsH, WE WERE GONNA GET MARRIED AND YOU OFFERID ME A

FIFTY DOLLAR RAISE .

JACK : I offered you.a fifty dollar raise? ROCH : UR HUH .,, AND JUST AS-YOV WP.Rg GIVING IT TO ME, YOU WOKE FLG UP . JACK : Oh .

arSlol oo2aoo2 -3-

ROCH : THAT'S THE THIRD TIME IT'S HAPPENED . JACK : I know, I know, you told me .

ROCH : ONCE I DRFAMED YOU WERE CUTTING MY SALARY, AND YOU LET ME

SL;EP TILL FOUR IN THE AFTERNOON . JACK : V~-Aust a coincidence . . .Anyway, I-- (SOUND :. DCOR BUZZER)

JACK : I'll answer the door, Rochester . .You get dressed and make my breakfast .

ROCH : YES SIR .

(SOUtm : FOOTSTEPS . . . THEN STOP)

JACK : Hello, Po11y .

MEL : (ARiIMPSR.S AND SQUAWKS SADLY)

JACK :C: k You're still sulking, huh, Polly?

I11EL: (W.$9PIILS AGAIN) (SOUND : DOOR BUZZER) JACK : Coming, coming . (SCUND :FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPENS) . MARY : Hello, Jack .

JACK : Oh, "Rary . . .come on in .

(SOUND : DOOR CLOSES)

MARY : I was fust talking to your neighbors tha CoLoan's .

JACK ; Oh, Ronnie and Benita?

MARY : Yes . As I pessed their house, Benita was sweeping the porch and Ronnie was cleaning the windows .

JACK : Henita and Ronnie were doing their own housework?

MARY : Yes, they told me their butler quit .

JACK : Their butler quit . . .Why?

A 1 2 rxo oo ooo3 1 -4-

MARY : They said they have to live next to you, he doesn't .

JACK : He'll be back, he's run away before .

MARY : Oh . . .hello, Polly . MII. : (SQII4LIIGg & WHISTISsS)

MARY : Come on, Polly . .speak . .speak .

MEL : (E4RKS IIM A DOG FOUR TIMES)

MARY : Jack, what have you been feeding this bixd? JACK : . . . .It vasn't my fault,/lshe happ~ened to find a can opener . MARY : What?

JACK : Nothing, nothing .

(SWND : DOOR BUZZER) JACK : (CALLS) COME IN . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) JACK :A,Oh 'r.elio, Dennis .

DENNIS : Hello, Mr. Benny . . .He11o, Mary .

MARY : Ri Dennis . . .What are you doing around here?

D3NNIS 7h~'m thinking of moving . .I've been looking at houses all day

JACK : Oh, you want to buy a house?

D= IS : Yeah . .how much would you take for this one?

JACK : Aw, don't be silly, Dennis . . .my house isn't for sale .

DENNIS : I know, but if it were for saie, how much would you take?

JACK : We11 . . .Rey, let me see . . .Gee, it's in the best part of ~ Beverly Hilis .l:~ kiave an acre of land . . .tweive rooms . . .

~swiming poo1 . . .Oh, I'd ask about a hundred thousand dollars .

DENUIIS :I wouldn't have this dump if you gave it to me .

ATX 0 1 0020004 1 -5-

JACK : Look . . .Dennis . . .I don't want any trouble with you . You asked me how much my house was worth . .sf I told you a hindred thousand dollare .

DENNIS : Does the price include the Venetian blinds?

JACK : Yes . . .aiso the drapes and the carpets . . .Anyciay, Dennis, what's wrong with the house you're living in now? . . .You

just moved in .

DENNIS : I know, but it's too inconvenient . JACK : Inconvenient? DENNIS : Yeah . .in order to get to the bodroomo you have to go through the furnace . - JACK: . Well, that\I~don't understand at all . MARY : Dennis, what kind of a house are you looking for? DENNIS : Oh . .a sort of a ranch house . You know, everything on one floor. MARY : How many rooms? DENNIS : Well, I'd like two bedrooms, a den, a living room, and a kitchen . JACK : How about a bath?

L1E QNIS : No thanks, I had one this morning .

JACK : kny do I always get trapped into these things . . . Mary tslkss

to him, she gets a sensible answer . . .I ask a sensible

question . . .whvt do I get . . .Abbott and Costello . . .Dennis,

lot me hear the song you're going to do on this week's

progrem .

DENNIS : Yes, sir . (APPIAUSE) (DENNIS'S SONG -- "IADY OF SPAIN") (APPIAUSE)

fii}lO1 0020005 1 -s-

(SECOND ROUTINE) JACK : Very goad, Dennis, I Imov it's going to sound beautiful when you sing it on the show . DENNIS : Don't be so sure . JACK : Why not? DENNIS : I'm having my tonsils out tonight . JAOK : Tonight? Dennis, are your tonsils infected?

DENNIS : No . JACK : Well, has your throat been sore? DENNIS : No . JACK : Have you been catching colds? DENNIS : No . JACK : Then why are you having your tonsils out? DENNIS : A doctor friend of mine is coming over and I don't know how

else to entertain him

: What? . JACK DENNIS : Lsst time he took out my appendix . JACK : Dennis -- DFNNIS : If he keeps coming over there won't be anything left . JACK : Dennis --

DINNIS : Well, IM gotta go look for a house now . . .Goodbye, Mary .

MARY : pkwaye . DENNIS : Goodbye, Mr . Benny . JACK : Goodbye Dennis .

(SOUND : DOOR CLGSEG)

MARY : I Ob got to be running along, too . I'll see you

tomorrow .

fiT809 0020006 JACK : Okay . . . . Goodbye, Mary .

MARY : Bye . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR CLOSFS . . .PHOPB RINGS . . FOOTSTEPg . .RECEIVER UP)

JACK : Hello .

BOB : ~N Jack.

JACK : Who is this?

BOB : Bob Crosby .

JACK : Oh hello, Bob . . .I didn't recognize your voice . . .What is it? BOB : Well, I'm having a few of the bo s over for a friendly game , Qy~ yo.,:v aa b of poker tonight, and I thought VWMMMM join us . -

JACK: !lell . . .er. . .what stakes do you play for?

BOB : Five and ten . I : Five and ten?` That's aS JACK little too steep for me . BOB :-',,,No no, Jack, not five and ten dollars . . .five and ten eents . JACK?5e~That-s what I thought you meant . . .Well, Bob, who's going to be in the geme?2

:U1¢II,Just scme of the .A~BOB musicians, Jaok . . .weft 1 Bagby, Fletcher, Remley, Sammy the drummer, Kimiek, and Arturo Toscanini . JACK : Arturo Toscanini? . .Do you mean-- BOB : Oh no, this is another one . He slaps the bass for Wingy . Manone . JACK : Oh . BOB : ItcorSuses everybody . JACKi-IRQI should imagine . i BOB : Well, how about it, Jack. .could you come on over tonight? JACK : Well, I don't know, Bob . .I might drop around for some laughs . CB

0 RTH 1 0020007 1 -g-

BOB : Oh, that's swell . .we'11 be playing out by the poo1 . . .We'11 all be in our swimining trunks . JACK : Wait a minute, Bob, won't the boys be cold in nothing but trunks%

BOB : Yeah, but they won't play cards with each other wearing

anything that has pockets or sleeves .

JACK: Uell, Bob, maybe I'll drop over, even if it's just for laughs .

BOB : Okay, AM,S see you later . .Bye . JACK : So long, Bob . BOB : Oh, say, Jack . . .what goes with Dennis Day? JACK : What do you mean? BOB : Well, he was over to see me last night slW he wants to buy my house . JACK : Did he offer you a good price? BOB : Yegy,,but I turned it down . JACK : Why? BOB : Well, he vented me to include my venetian blinds, drapes end - children . JACK : What a"s_d . . .So long, Bob . . BOB : Bye, JecF . (SOUND : RECEIVER DOWN) JACK : That kid Dennis will drive everybody crazy till he finds a 'house .

ROCH : SAY, BOSS, I'VE GOT YOUR BREAIPAST READY . JACK: Bring It in the den. I might sit around for awhile and read . ROCH: OKAY .

(SOUND : PHONE RINGS)

1 2 prxo 0o oooe 1 JACK: I'll get it Rochester . .Everybody's calling rs today . .I C2~ wonder who it slM be . (SOUND : RECEIVER UP) . JAOK : Hello . . ARTIE : Hello, Mr . Benny

(APPLAUSE)

ARTIE : Mr . Benny, guess who is this .

JACK : (PLAYLVG) 4~ . Now let's see . .Sir Cedric Hardwick?

ARTIE : No, guess again . JACK : Barry Fitzgerald? ARTIE : You're getting close .

JACK ; I'm getting close? . .Well, who is it? ARTIE : Mr . Kitzel . JACK: Mr . Kitzel . .How come you said I was close when I said Barry Fitzgerald? ARTIE : He lives next door to me . JACK : Oh . .A. . .Well, it's nice of you toeall, Mr . Kitzel . .Now are you? ARTIE : Currently I'm out of danger . JACK : Out of danger? 47het was wrong?

ARTIE : Nobody told you? JACK : No .

ARTIE : Hoo hoo hoo . .did I had a siege . JACK: Really?

ARTIE : Yeah. .first my rhumatism started acting up . . 4 JACK: Uh huh .

ARTIE : Then I contracted a sciatica condition which had an adverse effect on my vericose veins, and simultaneously, you heer . . CB

Ri 8 07 0020009 1 JACK: Yeah . ARTI]~ : I suffered from a streptococci throat . JACK: Well, I'm~so-Vrry to hoar that . ARTIE : The Blue Cross is sorrier .

JACK: ,~ - I can imagine, j P.& . ARTIE : Mr . Benny, the reason I called is my brother-in-lav Bernie

is visiting me and I wondered if you could get him tickets

to your television show . ,-~ JACK: For your brother-in-law? Yes\-T believe I can .

ARTIE : Can you also get him tickets for Ilvnny Thomas . .Burns and

A11en . .Groucho Marx . .Amos and Andy . .Let me see . .vho else?

JACK: Mr . Kitzel, you're certainly nice to your brother-in-law .

ARTIE : It's a pleasure to get h1m out of the house . JACK: Oh.

ARTIE : Also, could you get him tickets to Jackie Gleason's show? JACK : But that's in New York. ARTIE : Bless youl heart .

JACK : (LAUGRIIK;LY) I'll see what I can do, Mr . K1tzel . .Goodbye . ARTIE : Goodbye, Mr . Benny . JACK : Goodbye . (SOUND: REpE1VER DOWN) (APPLAUSE)

(SOUND: DOOR OPENS . .FOOTSTEPS)

01 00200 Rrx 1 0 1 JACK : I don't know . These days with radio and television, I

haven't been reading very mueh . . .Lot of good books here,

too . . . "The High and the Mighty" by Ernest Gann .,,"Look

"Who's Abroad Now" by Earl Wilson . . .I read them both,

they're good books . .,Let's see what else . . ."The Sea Around

Us" . ."Battle Cry", . .Here's a copy of the Theory of

Relativity by Albert Einstein . . .Oh, I read that . . . . I

remember it has 496 pages . . .Those numbers were the only

thing I understood . . .Y,, Here's a book I haven't read . . .

"The Purple Pirate ...... Gee, that ought to be good . .00M al.'io many pirate pictures out now . . .I think I'11 read

this onel

(SOUND : SCUFFLING OF CHAIR) JACK : The Purple Pirete .•Chapter One . (MUSICAL CRE8CEND0 „OR PIRATE OR NAUTICAL MUSIC)

JACK : YES, I AM A PIRATE . . .MY NAME IS CAPTAIN MORGAN . . .AS MY

STORY OPENS, WE HAD BEEN AT SEA ATMOST A YEAR ...... MY SHIP

HAD JUST CAPTURED A RICH PRIZE . .A BCHOONER, HOMMARD BOUND

FROM THE ORIENT, AND LADEN WITH CARGO . . .WE TRANSFERIM H@2

CARGO TO OUR HOLD, THEN THE CREW LINED THE RAIL AND WATCH®

AS WE PREPARED TO SEND THE CAPTIIRID VESSEL TO THR BOTTOM . . CAST & BAND : (MUNBLE IAW)

JACK : (REG . MIKE) All riaht, aunners . . We're aoina to sink her

. . . . Fire!

(SOUND : SEVERAL CANNONS GOING OFF AND SMASHING SHIP . ) MIN : (CHgER)

BOBa She's sinking fast, Captain . DY

(i T iSO 1 0020011 -12-

JACK: Good . . .Tell me, Red Rvbert, did we get much booty?

BOB : O'Ws a rich haul, Captain . . .a hundred bolts of silk,

fifty barrels of rare spices, ten sacks filled with gold,

and four oases of Ideal Dog Food .

JACK: Fine, my supply was running low . BOB : That isn't all the loot, sir . . . . We found a small sack of diamonds, some rubies, and best of all, a woman's dress . JACK : A woman's dress . . .whet's so wonderful about that? BOBo 0h, you oughta see what's in itl

JACK : You mean -- we've captured a woman? BOB : Yes, sir, and we also captured the captain of that ship . JACK : Good, bring them to me . BOB : Aye eye, sir .

JACK : (FILTER) IN A PBW htINGTES BOTH THE CAPTAIN AND THE GIRL

WERE STANDING BEFORE ME . . .I LOO= THIId OVER VERY CAREFGLLY

FOR A IANG TIME . . . FINALLY I SPOKE : (RD3. DIDd;) Which one of you Ss the. JACK Captain?

MARY : He Is, of course .

JACK : (FILTER) THERE WAS NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, I'D BM AWAY FROM

LAND TOO LONG . . .AS I STOOD THERE, THE SCHOONER'S GRUFF

CAPTAICI TURNED TO ME AND SPOKE . DON : (GRUFF'LY) Are you the captain of these pirates? JACK : (REG. DiIIKE) Yes . DON : Are ycu responsible for blowing my ship to bits? JACK : Yes . DON : Did you make some of my men walk the plank? JACK : Yes .

Rrxo1 o0 2 oo 12 1 -13-

DON : Did you hang all the rest of them? JACK : Yes .

DON : (SWEETLY) Do you think that was nice? JACK : No .

DON : Well, watch it next time .

JACK : (FILPIIi) I SENT HIM BEIAW, TIETI I TURNED MY At^FEN'PION TO

TRE GIRL . SHE WAS WEARING A TIGHT SKIRT, A YII.SAW SWEATER,

AND A LARGE BHSTTON THAT SAID, "I LIKE LOUIS THE

FCURTEFNTH" . . .AS SHE STOOD BEFORE ME . .I RE[4E21Bk]2ID THE

SUPERSTITION OF THE SEA . .A WOMAN ABOARD A PIRATE SHIP IS AN

OMEN OF BAD LUOK . . .I WAS IN A PREDICAMENT . .SHOULD I KE6P

HER ABOARD AND RISK MUTINY, OR MAIff.+ HER WAi1C THE PLANK. . .I

DECIDID TO FLIP A COIN . . .REAUS SHE STAYS . . . TAILS SHE WALSS TRE PLANK .

(SOUND : COIN FLIPPED AND LANDING ON WOOD . . .(PAUSE) . . .COIN FLIPS AGAIN AND LANDS ON WOOD . . . PAUSE . . .COIN FLIPS AGAIN AND IelNDB ON WOOD . . PAUSE . . .CCIN FLIPS AGAIN AND LANDS ON WOOD) JACK : fIEAA4, SHE STAYSI . . THE CREN WAS SO HAPPY OVER THE RICH

PRIZE WE FAD CAPTURED, T}IEY DIDN'T MIND A WOMAN BEING

ABOARD . . .AID THAT EVENING, AS WE SAILID THE TROPICAL SEA NEATH THE FULL MOON, TH6Y EVIIV GATHEREDPROOND THE QUARTERDECK AND BEGAN TO SING .

Rrxo 1 oo 2 oo 13 1 -14-

C$JART : SAILING, OVER THE BCUDIDING MAIN . . 40 ,ANY A STORMY WIND SHALL BLOW E'ER JACK COMES HOME

AGAIN .

SAILING, SAILING, OVER THE BOUNDING MAIN WE'RE HAPPY GO LUCKY THAT YOU KNOW . IT'S IUCKIE.4 ONCE AGAIN .

L 3 M F T, ALL TH6 SAILORS AGREE THAT L 3 M F T'S FINE TOBACCO, YOU SEE EOERY 3AILORMAN IS PUFFIN' ON A LUCKY

CAUSE THERE'S NO'1't@I' THAT'LL BEAT A G00D OLD LUCKY WHEN YW'RE OUT AT SEA .

LUCKY STRIKE IS MILD, VERY TASTY, TAAT'S TRUE

LUCKY STRIKE IS ROUND ANC IT'S FULLY PACKED, TOO .

SO FOR DEEP DJWN SMOKING PLEASURE

HERE'S A TIP THAT YOU WILL TREASURE

CNLY IS, L9, LS, M F T WILL DO .

OH, IT'S LS IS IS IS M F T

- IS LSL4L9L4MFT YES, IT'S IS M F F F, M F F F, M F F F I8, IS, IS, I8, M F T OH IT'S IS IS IS IS M F T

ISISIS LSISMFTYES, IT'S L3 M F F F, M F F F, M F F F

IS, IS IS, LS, M F T

LIGHI' UP A IIJCKY FOR ME . (APPLAUSE)

8 TM01 . 0020014 1 -15-

(THIRD RoITfIN6)

JACK : (FILTER) WE CJNPINUED BCOURING THE SEA, AND TI E N OUR LUCK WENP BAD . . .WE SIOHPID NO MORE SHIPS . . .OUR SUPPLIES

RAN LOW. . .THE MEN WERE IN A MUTINOUS MOOD . . .THEY BECAME

SURLY A ND REFU9F9 TO OBEY ORDERS . . .AND THEN SUDDENLY -- (SOUND) : BOOMING OF CANNONS) JACK : WE WERE ATTACK® BY THE MOST RUPHLESS OF ALL FRENCH PIRATES . . .DENNI.S L0. FITTE . JACK : (RFG. MIR6) Red Robert. . . .get the men to thelr battle stations .

130B : Aye aye, s1r . . .BAGBY, RNAfLEH, FLETCHER, K]MICK . . .MAN YOUR GUNS . JACK : . . . .F5mmmun .

BOB : It's no use, Captain ., .it's no use . . .the men are revolting .

JACK: . . . .Would you repeat that? BOB : The . . .the men are revolting . JACK : You've caught on to these guys already, haven't you .

BOB : You're not kidding .

JACK : (FIIIPER) THE 94TTLE WENT BADLY . . .ALQI WE SUFFERED HEAVY

CdSUAI1PIES . . .FINALLY, TO SAVE LIVES, I DECIDID TO

,5JRRENDER . . .I GRABBED A WHITE FLAG AND STARTID TO WAVE IT .

MARY : (MAD) Hey, give me those back . JACK : (REG . MIKE) I'm sorry, Miss, but this is no time to be doing your Laundry .

Ai 90 7 0020015 -16-

JACK: (FIIIPER) WE WERE TAKEN PRISONER AND INKEDIARELy LOCK® ( IN THE DARK HOLD OF THE SHIP . . .FOR THf2EE DAYS WE DIDN'T

SEE OUR CRUEL CAPPOR . .DENNIS LA FPIR'E DIDN'T Y•ILL HIS

PRISONERS BY MAKING THASS WALK THE PLANK . . .OH, NO . . .HE WAS

TOO CRUEL FOR THAT . . .HE WCULD MAKE YOU STICK YOUR HEAD

THROUGH A HOLE IN A CANVAS, WHILE HIS CREW LIM UP AND

THRLW BASEBALS.S AT YOU . . .THIS WASN'T SO BAD, BUT THE MEN

BEHIND YOU WITH THOSE DARTS WERE MURDER . . .FINALLY, ON THE

FOURTH DAY HE ORDERED ME AND'THE GIRL TO BE BROUGHT TO

HIP1 . . .AS WE STOOD TRFMBLING BEn"'ORE IA FIT1'E, THE TERROR

OF THE SEJEN SEAS, HE SAID :

DENNISc (MAD) Nom d'um Coohon, Chien Sal, Votre Grandpere chien

do fou chancel April in Paris .

JACK : (REG . MIKE) Huh? DENNIS : You are in zee presence of zee great La Fitte . . .kneel, you peegl JACK : Yes sir . DENNIS : Good, now you kneel, too . MARY : Yes, sir . `_ (SOUIm : THUMP . . .THITIP)

DENNIS :• How I love to play zee leap frog . JACK : What are your plans for us, La Fitte? DENNIS : ror you, Mon Capitaine, you have zee choice of joining me or dying . JACK : Well, I'll join you . . .Do I still retain my rank as Captain DENNIS : Captein : Ho ho, you fool . . .you'11 be my slave . JACK : A slavel I'd rather die first . .You don't know us Englishmen very well . Dy

prx 01 0020016 -17-

DENNIS : A11 right . . .you die . r JACK: What about the girl . . .are you going to kill her?

DENNIS : Heh heh . . .You don't know us Frenchmen very well . JACK: What? DENNIS : I shall marry zee girl and make her zee pirate queen . .

She will be my wife, my aweetheart . .and noW, I kiss her. JACK: ' She'd rather die first . MARY: You keep out of this . JACK : (FIIIPER) I WAS IN A PREUICAMETPP . .EITHER I BECAME IA FI7TE'S SLAVE, OR I WALK® THE PLANK . I DIDN'T KNCW WRAT _--

(SCNND : DOOR BUZZER)

JACK : I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO --

(SCUIm : DOOR BUZZER)

JACK : (REG . MIKE) There's the door buzzer . .right in the most

interesting part . . . I can't even read a book around here

. . .RCCHEBTER . . . .

(SOUND : DCCR BUZZER) zj,)- ,~ JACK : Oh darn it . . .COMIN6, CCMINC .h'1 ''-

(SCUND : DOOR oPENS . .F00TSTEPS . .DCCR OPENS) MEL: (MCCLEY) Mr . Benny? JACK : Yes?

MEL : I ' m from Bekins Van and Storage Company 00 we ft~ got two truck-loads to unload here .

JACK : Furniture? MEL : No, Ideal Dog Food .

JACK : SP. . .Well, put it in the swimming pool, the garage is full .

DY (APPLAUSE ASID MUSIC)

Rr 90 1 0020077 I ,. . (FIRE ALLOCATION) -18-

DON : Friends, every minute -- day end night -- a destructive f fire starts . And in nine out of ten ceses, most fires

start because someone was careless! Don't let that

someone be you . Be sure your electrical wiring is

properly installed . Put cigarettes and matches out before

you discard them . Be on guard constantly against fire .

Remember, only you can prevent fires . (APPIAUSE) DON : Jack will be back in a minute to tell you about his

television program which goes on immediately after this show, but first here's a word for anyone who enjoys a good cigarette .

Jack will be back in a minute to tell you about his television program which goes on at 7 :00 PM tonight over the CES Television Netvork, but first herels a word for anyone who enjoys a good cigarette .

DFI

fl T }SO 1 0020018 THE -C- T aACR OBE~N'NY~PH4ROORAM ~4 m OCTOBER 17, 1954 CLOSING COMMERCIAL (TRANSCRIBBD) COIS.INS : "If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette, WITH FULL ORCH .-B .G . Luc Strike is the brand to get! IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (CSAP . . .CLAP, CL9P) cig-a-rette .

They take fine tobacco, it's li t tobacco, it's mild tobacco, too Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASTED, because the toasting brings the flavor right through .

So, to get better taste from your oig-a-rette,

Luck Strike is the brand to get! IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (CIAP . . .CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette :"

WIISON : All you have to do is look at a pack of Luckies,

friends, and you'll see the reasons for Luckies' better

taste printed right on the pack : L9/t11FT, Lucky Strike

Means Fine Tobacco . Light naturally mild, good-tasting . tobacco . And -- IT'S TOASTED . IT'S TOASTED to taste

better . IT'S TOASTED is the famous Lucky Strike process

that tones up Luckies' fine tobacco . . . . bringing it to its peak of flavor . . .making it taste even better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . So, Be Happy -- Go Lucky!

Make your next carton of cigarettes -- better tasting

Lucky Strike! (MORE) . ' DH

Ai 80 1 0020019 I T~HE AMEK CBNHY ~H06RAMC~4 ~ D- CLOSI~NQ CONIDSERC~IAL (CONT'D) (THANSCRIBED) COLLINS : If you xant better taste from your cig-a-rette, WITH OHCH . B G . Luc Strike is the brand to get! IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (CIAP . . . . CIAP, CIAP) eig-a-rette :

flTfS 0 1 0020020 1 -19- (TAG) JACK: Ladies and gentlemen, I was going to tell you about my television show, but we're a little late, so tune in and watch it . . . Goodnight, folks .

(APPIAU3E & MUSIC)

DON : The Jack Benny Program tonight was written by Milt

Josefsberg, John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon,

and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks .

The Jack Benny Program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company -- America's leading manufacturer of cigerettes .

RTYlO1 0020021 r~cRnM ~5 REVisNO SCRIPr

AMERICAN TOPACCO CoMPANY LUCKY STRIKE

THE JACK BENNi PROGRAM

SuNIY,Y, OCTOBER 24, 1954 . CBS 4 :00 - 4 :30 PM PST

(Transcribed - Sept . 5, 1954)

CAST : JACK DENNIS DAY ROCHESTER DON WILSON MEL BIANC ERIC SNOWDEN ARTIE AUIItEACK FRANK NSISON BEMJY RUBIN ELVIA ALL1dANN COLEEN COLLINS JUNE EARLE HERB VIGRAN DICK RYAN VEOIA VONN THE SPORTSMEN QUARTET

ATX01 0020022 I -TR^c MLRICAN TOBACCO COMPANY -A- ~ "THE JACK R3NINY PROORAM" #5 _OPsNING CON&dEERCIAL WILSON : TtC JACK BENNY PROGRAM . . . transcribed and presented by Lacky Strike -- the cigarette that's toasted to taste better!

; If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette, COLLINS AND FULL CALYPSG Luck9 Strike is the brand to get! VERSION OF SONG--37 SEC .) IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

It's the toasted (CIAP . . . CIAP, OLAP)

cig-a-rette .

They take fine tobacco, it's lisht tobacco, it's mild tobacco, too

Tben IT'S TOASTBD, yes, IT'S TOASTn'9,

because the toasting brings the flavor

right through .

So, to get better taste from your cigarette,

Lucky Strike is the brand to get!

IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

It's the toasted (CLAP . . . CIAP, CLAP) c1g-a-rette!"

(MORE)

AT7S 0 1 0 020023 THE AM&RTCAN TOBACCO COMPANY -B- "THE JACK BEt'7NY PROGRAM" #5 OPENING COM14IERCIAL (CONT'D)

WILSON : This Ss Don Wilson, friends, That version of the

Iucky Strike song Dorothy Collins just sang may

be different in tempo, but the story is still the

ser.,e . A Lacky tastes better because . . . IT'S TOASTED

to taste better . You see, better taste starts crith

fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco . IS/NFT -- Lucky

Strike means fine tobacco : And then, that tobacco is

toasted . IT'S TOASTED is the famous Lucky Strike

process that brings Luckies fine tobacco to its peak of

flavor . . . tones up this naturslly good-tasting

tobacco to make it taste even better . . . Cleaner,

fresher, smoother . So friends, remember that next

time you buy cigarettea . And Be Happy -- Go L.acky :

OPTIONAL : jT7&1~ If you want better taste, etc .

COLLINS AND CALYPSO (2nd Paragraph pg . A) VERSION QF SONG)

19 iYfO1 0020024 (Show #5) -1-

(AETP.R COMMGRCIAL, MOSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON: Y7~,' LUCKY STRIKG PROGRAM, STARRINi JACK Bz'NNY . .WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCHGSTER, IHNNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WIL40N . (APPIAUSr . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON: AS YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENPIEFEN, HOLLYv700D IS THE

GLAMOUR CAPITAL OF TH6 WORLD. .AND SINCE SATNRDAY NIGHT IS

THG TIM3 YOUR FAVORITE STARS GET TO(:E'TNFR bUR THOSR GAY

PARTIES YOU READ ABOUT . .IET'S GO BACK TO LAST NIGHT AND

SEE WHAT'S GOINq# ON IN JACK BUNNY'S 13FVERLY HIId,S

MANSION .

(SOUND: RPCORDIN'G OF A GAY PARTY WITH BUZZ OF VOICG"'S, C}L4MPAGNe CORKS POPPIAG, IAUGHTER AND BAND IN BACKGROUND) ROCH: (AFl'GR A F4d S?CONL6) FVSRYONG SUfd; SC-3M3 TO Bti' HAVING A GOOD TIIMC, BOSS . JACK: Certainly they're having a good tims . .when you give your guests good food, a big orchestra, and the champagne flows like water, how can you miss? ROCH : Y'AHHIR . ~~ JACK : Well, close the window, Rochester . .wr can't wstch !Me ~ Colman's party ell n t . . Close . C~.~~..a.M9G.w•

(SOUND: WINDOW CIASsD AND PARTY NOISES OUT)

JACK: Good . . .now help me off this box . ROCH: X2S, 3IR . r

19 rx 01 0 02 0025 _ 2^

ROCR: - - LL SAY M TIt68'TR6`IR BUTIER ANNOUNCBD 192 . HAROLD LLOYD,,....•.."`*~ JACK: Never mind :'.just help me down . kROCH ;.= -'(9TRAININO) UHH . .THERF .

JACK: You know, Rochester, I just can't understand it . ROCH: WHAT, BOSS? JACK: Well, the Colmen's and I are next-door neighbors . .and when Ronnie first moved in, I used to go to all his

parties, but the lest few years he's had a dozen big

affairs end I haven't received an invitation to e single one of 'em . What do you suppose it could be? ROCH : MM&. HG IAST YOUR ADDFk';'SS .

JACK: Yesh, yeah . . .Well cone on, let's finish our geme of Gin

Ruttmwj . ROCH : OKAY. .IT WAS YOUR TURN TO THROW A CARD . JACK: Yeah. . .let's see now . .first you discarded the ten of clubs . .then the three of spedes . .the six of heerts . .the Jack of diemonds . .the eight of hearts . .the five of spedes . .

ROCH: HwH7 HEE . JACK: 'dhat's so funny . ROCH: IT SURE Ri'LP3 b/fCN YOU'VE GOT '&M WRITf`N IAHN . JACK: Look, you play your way and I'll play mine . . .Hnnn. . .I hate

to break up my hand . .but this is the only safe card I can

give you . .Here you ere . .the King of Spades .

ROCH : GIN.

JACK: Mw+ . . .Are you lucky . . .Deal 'em up again . (SOUND : CARLS SHUFFZED) DY

RT}S07 0020026 -3-

JACK : Rochester, are you sure I didn't get en invitation to Colmen's party? ROCH : POSITIVE (SOUND: CARffi LEALT) JACK: They must've sent me an invitation end a got lost in the meil . . .excuse me a minute . (SOUND : RECEIVER UP)

ROCH : WPAT ARE YOU DOING, BOSS! (SOUND: DIA.LINO) O ee~Eo JACK: I m a the post office . I'm going to give them a piece of my mind .

ROCH : WHIIS YOU'RF ABOUT IT, BOSS, T.ELL THEM THEY DIDtV'T

IFLIVR R THE GAS BILL THIS MONTH EITHER . (SOUND: LOUD FmCEIInR WJN)

JACK : It's your play, Rochester . . .Gee, I've got a pretty good

hand this tSme .

ROCH : YCU'LL W--1 D IT. JACK: WFy? ROCH: I C-OT GIN : Ag=1n? That's. JACK the most unusual, . . , (SOUND : PHONF RINGS) JACK: I"-1 get it„iNas>Wr. (SOUND, R?'CBIVFR UP) JACK: He'_lo . ERIC : Hello, is this Mr. Benny? JACK: Yes : . Well,. ERIC this is Sherwood, Mr . Colmen's butler.

0 0 flT3S 1 0020 27 1 -u-

JACK: (BXCITED) Oh, Sheraood, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes i ERIC : 1~., Mr . Colmen was a trifle embarrasaed to even broa c

the subject at this lete hour, but we're having a party here . JACK : I know, I know, a hundred and eig'nty-three guests . ERIC : Oh, I sey - you've been on that box again.

JACK : I'm such a devil, aren't I? (SILLY LAUGH ) ERIC : (CLEARS THROAT) Well, at any rate . . .Mr . Col.men thought you might like to slip into your tuxedo_e come over . ~aht.e..4eti.uY._a -3-f u ~ & JACK: 47ou1a IJYId~f-oSFcalnly,ASherwood,~ be gled to come over. ERIC : Good . . .and remember . . .you serve from the left and remove from the right .

JACK : WM? . . .Now look, Sherwood, I'm not waiting on tables

for Ronald Colman or anyone else .t0oodbye . (soUND: RBCEIVLR mWN. . .couPlE F00'lUTEPB ) JACK: Of all the nerve . . .40R, they can keep their party, I'm just as happy here at home with you, Rochester . ROCH : BUT BOSS, I'M GOING OUT TONIGHT . JACK : Going out? Gee,-AseFieebRr, I thought you were going to stay with me . ROCH : I'D LIKE TO, BUT I MAIF PL911S TO TAIC TFE, NIGHT OFF, JACK: But Rochester, you were off lest week . ROCH : OH BOSS . . . YOU'RE NOT COUNfING TUESDAY NIGHT, ARE YOU? JACK:UaI,Why not ? ROCH: THAT'S WW+,N I HAD MY APPENDIX TAIC'cN OUT. JACK: Whet's the difference . .you didn't get home till three in 0..a.YVlc+~tcF~ 'R t'n I -1---the mornl r. 4xVP, ifW you went 40k night off, you

better get started , E ~ .

0 20 2 Rrxoi 0 0 e 1 -5-

.ROCH : OKAY, I'M GOIN' UPSTAIRS AND PUT A TIE ON .

(SOUND : FOOTSTRPS FADIPx'i OF?)

JACK: Everybody wants time off. . .Gee, what'71 I do with npself

ell night? JC .iLplrwwr(dnly someone I could play cards

with. I wonder if Remley's home . . .Ehh, he cheets . . .Gee,

this is going to be a boring evening . Nyie-3-&%s1ti;.to

_ . . . .I don't know what dM --

(SOUND: PHONE RINGS . .COUPIE FOOTSTEPB.,RECEIVER UP) JACK: Hello DENNIS1'1-,;Hello, Mr . Benny, this is Dsnnis : Oh Dsnnis . .What do you went, kid?. JACK DENNIS : Nothing . .Are you going to be home tonight? JACK : Yes, why?

IENNIS : Well, I thought I might come over and visit you .

JACK: CAN, Wonderful, Dennis, come on over .

~ss~us I+d-#e b~ be-ewke

ITNNIS : Okey, . Goodbye . r, OG-(S ND' REOEIVER DOYIN)

ROCH: (FADIIQG IN) I'M READY TO 00, BOSS . BUT IF YOU REAId,Y

MIND STAYIIM AIAHF, 4-99HR H- --

JACK: It's all right, Rochester . D:nnis just called, he's coming over to keep me company .

6 TX 01 0020029 1 -6-

ROCH : i 5 ', THAT'S NICE OF HIM.

JACK : It sure is .,Iet's see . .I wonder whet I can serve him.

HOCH : YIBLL, TFLRC'S SANDWICH BRRAD AND SCMF. COLD CUTS IN THE

REFRIGERATOR .

JACK: Yeah. .end Dennis has such e aweet tooth. ftave we plenty

of candy? HOCH : OH YEAH.,WF'.'VE GOT CARA6EIS, TOOTSI.E ROOL4, LICORICE AND SOMR 0'HENRY BARS . JACK: C.1,, Good .

HOCH : SHALL I PUT '8M IN THE MACHIN6?

JACK: No no, I can do St,, .you run along

: OKAY . .GOODNIGHT, BOSS . . HOCH JACK: So long, Rochester . (SOUND: DOOR S1N1`S) JACK: Gee, it's nice of Dennis to went to spend the evening with me „ue'11 sit eround . .he'11 talk to ve . .discuss his problems . .drive me nuts . Where's that bottle of aspirin? ; .+ ` (S"uuhT. 5 ~T~D.1~ .+°° JACK: ~ Here it is, ._3~'M"g~d I bought er nemy size

! I cen hit him over the heed with it .\~l1nywey. I'll be

elone, soit'11 be nice 16--- ~ (SOUND: KNOCK ON 1%10R) JACK: Hmmm . . .now who can that be . . .

(SOUND : COUPiE FOOTSTLPS, . .I OOR 0P3NS)

: A Hello, Mr . Benny . IENNIS i JACK : Iknnis ; How'd you get here so fast?

IeNNIS : I wes next door at the Colmens' party .

9 pT 01 0020030 1 -7-

JACK: 4lhat? LENNIS : I would've got tare sooner but I welked . JACK: NoN look, Lennis, I'm in no mood for ~mysilly --- IENNIS`~ Not~so loud . .If they find out I'm with you, they mlght .llo'4'- not let me back in . ~Aou_ w,ic.a.D- JACK: Look, DenTiis . just beceuse'you got invited to the S Colmens and I dn't, you don't have to be such a b ,'0~ shot . i I2;NNIS : Well, boy, it's ~ y JACK : You we really hav~ng fun, eh? IBNNIS : I'll say . ., Ittmegg\~o was danoUfg with Marilyn Monroe and I cut in .

~ JACK: How'd you make out IENNIS : Not so good, Joe's too JACK: Well, of e11 the si LENNIS : You ought to see 1 the big ~CaFs that ere there . . .But one of them w so snooty .

JACK : What do yo mean snooty?

IE'NNIS : Three t a I talked to Harold I1oyd,end hN didn't answer

I JACK: /T~n is, look---- DENNIS :,/ And he's so peculiar . . .all of a sudden hd\left through a wlndow . JACK: 1 .u.a~ .lo~ok,~Iknnis,µyou were heving fun, why don't you 4.go back to your party?

IENF18~sA Z~ n't you even went to hear my song for tomorrow's show?

Rrx01 00200 3 1 -8-

JFlCIS : No, I don't,

M NNIS : But it'll cheer you up .

JACK: All right, a11 right, go ahead and .s'i"g-l6 .

ICNNIS: I've changed my mind . ' JACK : MNNIS, SIN".. THAT SO~(N~(7,~. SENNIS: Okay . . .what a sore Lsr.~

(APPL9U SE )

(IENNtS'S SONG) -- "AN IRISNMAN WILL STFAL YOUR EP~'.ART AWAY" (APPLIUSE) .

I7Y

H T 7iO 1 0020032 -9- (SECCND RCiTPINE) ~ JACK: ~ ennis, now that you've let me hear your song, go back to Z ~.,~~.t~e9 ~C the Colman's party before you drive me-'b :J. .And you can tell them for me that --

(SOUND : DOOR BUZZER)

JACK: Come in .

(SCUND : DOOR OPENS)

DCN : dow , Jack .

JACK: Why, Doney : . . . . Come on In .

(SCUND : DOOR CIASES)

JACK : Y7hat are doing here, Don?

DON : Welllyou know the little woman's out of town . . .so I .(thought I'd drop by and see if you'd like to take in a movie with

me . JACK: A aovie . . .Gee , I'm gled you thougnt of it .That's a ~ 3 sr i~ r.wc. ,, ~t ~ to Ili-x worderful idea . rt2"' :¢, . .. `vrnxd~ hen did you get the passes?

DCN : I don't hav eees .- ~~ .. _,-...... _ . JACK We?2 , then why in the world-would you --- oh well, all j : ''` r:ght,_let's_go , . Maybe~ Dennis_will go with us . -~

DON : Dennis? Where is he?

JACK : ~He's standing under your stomach . . . Dennis -- DENNIS :'lDcn~laugh, Don, I'm too young to die . JACK :W¢y,Dennis, you want to go to the movie with us? DENNIS : S'ure . . what's playing?

DCN :vQA( , I was going to the Palisades Drive-In . . They f re showing

that new English film,t'Murdor in Picadilly" . JACK0k, Let's go there .

Ripf01 0020033 -10-

DON : And they've also got a surprise second feature . . I hear

~~they've had some grea_t pn2s letely . `- JACK• Cd¢aI ar~t~~a-61mcli~-pr'eltt~wNg .ood.t is* I've never been to a drive-in . . Let's go . ~ OS( UNil : PHONE RINGS) . Hold it a second, Don .

(SOUND : HECEIVEH UP) JACK : e11o . AHTIE : Hel , Mr . Benny . (APPIAUSE) AHPIE : Mr . Benny gueas who this is . / JACK : (PIAYING) m . . let's see . . . Sir Ced~'ic Hardwick? AHTIE : No .

JACK : Barry Fitzgerald4

AHTIE : You're getting close .

JACK : Well, who is it?

ARTIE : Mr . Kitzel .

JACK: Mr . Kitzel, how co111-11you said l (as close when I said Barry ~ Fitzgerald? i ARTIE : He lives nertdoor to me .

JACK: Oh . .oh . . Well, it's nice of you to cal l, Mr . Kitzel . . How

are you? ARTIE : Currently I am out of danger . JACK : Out of danger? What was wrong? ARTIE : Nobody told you? JACK: No .

ATX01 0020034 AHTIE : Hoohoo boo . . did I have a siege . First my rheumatism

started acting up . . then I contracted a sciati condition had an adverse effect on my vericose v ns, and simulta ously I suffered from a streptoc ci throat . JACK : Well, I'm s ry to hear that . AR'PIE : The Blue Cross sorrier .

JACK; I can imagine . . .

ARTIE : Mr . Benny, the reason called a my brother-Sn-law Bernie

. is visiting me and I wond if you could get him tickets

to your televislon show n t unday .

JACK: Yes, I believe I can . ARTIE : Can you also get him ickets for D~ynny Thomas . . . . Burns and Alien . . . .Groucho Mcx . . . .Amos and An\$y . . . . .let me see . . . . whet else . JACK : Mr . iSitzel, you re certainly nice to yohur brother-in-law . AHTIE : It's a pleas getting him out of the l~ous

JACK ; Oh .

ARTIE : Also couldJyou get him tickets to Jackit Gleason's show? JACK : That's in//New York . AETIE : Gocd . JACK : (IhTZHII~) Well, IP11 see whatj'can do, Mr . Kitzel . . . . Gocdbye . ARTIE : Goodbye, Mr . Benny . (SOUND: HICEIVEH DOWN)

(APPLAUSE)

pTX010020035 -12-

. Well, come on~on, let' sgo-td-the movies .

Okay . y JACK : Come on .pais .

~DENNIS : Well, I've got to go now . . . Goodbye, hx-l.rL-l^oyd^`~

JACK : Dennla, get away from thoae binocluarslLiW, Come on,

fellows, my car is in the driveway .

(TRP.NSITION MUSIC) (SOUND : ESTABLISH LOUSY CAR [dOTOR . . .FADE TO B .G .) DON :1KU..I think we're getting near the Drive-in .l.fiEf/iR.

DENNI,.S :~,There's a cowboy picture at the Strand : Dennis, you'll go where we go, you're only. JACK along --- ~~~ ~v DUM.~ Jack, Stop . . . .the light's changing, JACK : Okay . (SOUND : CAR STOPS) DON : Say, look who's in the car next to us . G np C . JACi~ 1 Why, it's the 3portsmen . . . . Hi, fellows . QUART : H•P1A1 .

DON : 10 61, you have a nice time, fellows .( JACYr.- --Where are they going, Don? DON : Oh, .1MIIrwx you know, Jeck . . . . they're going awey for the week-end . JACK : Oh, hey, where are you going, boys'r

RTYfOt 0020036 I -13-

QUART : YfE'RE GOING TO

. GILLY GILLY OSSENFF.bF2R IfATSEN ELIEN BOGAN BY THE SEA, JACK : OH, GILLY GILLY~SENFEFTER

C}ep,~ THAT'S A BEAUP oIFUL PLACE, I'VE BEEN THERE MANY TIMES,

QUART : THERE'S A TINY HOUSE T}[;RE"S A TINY HOLSE BY A TINY STREAM BY A TINY STRGAM .

WHERE A LOVELY LASS

W1G,RE A LOVELY LASS

HAD A LOVELY .Ik2EAM

,Y "A . ' A

AND AND iiFA DREAM CAME TRUE

Q= UNEXPc"CTEDLY

IN GI_LLY GILLY Q4SEP~F'FER KATSEN ELS E N BOGAN BY THE SEA . cY_dc.Sk) . ~, .5r ppok . _tU 00 SHF NAS 0UT DAY 3~,V~ ti,~ .

. S}L WAS 0UP ON5 DAY ;

Wt ,P;"'iE^ THE TULIPS GROW S- 4lfE72 THE TULIPS GROW

4(fL`'`v A HANDSOME LAD

Wfr"a A HANASOME LAD

STOPPED TO SAY HELLO STOPPED TO SAY HELiA

AND B~,'FORE SH6 KMI

AND : EFORE SHE K~ J HE KISSED HER TSSIDII?LY IN GILLY GILLY OSSENFEFFIIt KATSEN ELiEN BOGAN BY THE SEA, (MORE) BR

flTXOi 002003? 1 qUART : THE HAPPY PAIR WffiE MARRIED ONE SUNDAY AFPERNOON, (cGNT'D) THEY IF.FT THE CHURCH AND RAN AWAY TO SP_&ND THE H ItEYM00N .

IN A ~GINY H I15E~

IN A TINY HOUSE S

~~B .AT '=~' BY A TINY STREAM

WFL.~2E A LOVELY LASS

WFF'~ A IAVELY LASS Lv+ . HAD A LOVELY DREAM SACK :,S Don, there's a crowd

HAD A LOVELY DREAM gathering around us . 4,106 k- ~-d la .n. l•V wa9 Crn t$~ C11T t ~ aM) TiL? LAST I HEARD ~1h3nD . - EL ~D .gM !~. ~S ~ 06y :.9~. ewJ~nu ~ . AND 'LEL 7 4ST I HEARU ^_Hta STILL LIVE HAPPILY

IN G_ri,LY GILLY QSSENFEFNT.R KATSEN ELL~'NBOGAN BY THE SEA .

MARTY : tiOW, 3VERY JU T REPEAT THE WOHDS AFTER ME . Q-+-~y?

TfE

CAST : TFtERS 'S A CIGARETTE MARTY : LS idFT CAST : L 5 b: F T

MARTY : IT'S _^fC5 BEST SMCKE YET .

CAST : IT'S TFL BEST SMOKE YET

MARTY : LUCKY STRIKE FOR ME .

CAST : LUCSCi STRIKE FOR 12 MARTY : TO Gsf BETTER TASTE .

CAST : TO GET BETTER TASTE QUART : 1T'S TOASTED THOROLGHI.Y

Y5'S L4, IS, 1.5, LS, LS, IS, IS, M F ;T, L S M F T .

C. 4 ma) BR

9 flT 07 002003 8 1 -15-

MNHTY : LIGHT A LUCKY STRIIKE CAST : LIGHT A LUCISY STRIlCB

MARTY : IT'S TfU; SMOKE WE LIKE .

CAST : 1T'S THE SMOKE WE LIltE MARTY : CIEADIER THROLGH AIm THROUGH CAST : CIEAPIER THItOUGH ANi) THROUGH

MARTY: ANI) IT'S SMOOTf ER, TOO

CAST : A ND IT'S SMOOTHER, TOO

MARTY : TAIG; A PUFF AND SEE

CAST : TAKE A PUFF A ND SEE

@UART : WHY ALL OF US AGREE

ON L9, IS, LS, LS, IS, I8, L S M F T

BE HAPPY AIm GO LUCKY L9, I5, IS, IS, L4, L4, L S M F T (APPLAUSE)

Hi 8 01 0020039 1 -16-

(TRIRD ROUTINE f' JAC THAT WAS VERY ZE 4r GOOD, B075 . J.HAVS A NSICn TRIP . S YOU WHEN YOU GET BACK . (SOUND: CAR ACC=RATING)

JACKc-~kR, I hope we get in at the start of the picture, 4_E~-

DON : ~~ The theater's right '=A~b k . DENNIS : Yeah, there's the sign .

DON : je~j Turn here, Jack . .you have to go up this winding drive-way

to the box-office .

JACK : CIMj ~-V

(SOUND : CAR CHUGS AND COUGHS ALU~NG)~0c~

DON : Psll up iP that man next to the bootT.,~~ie~~l give us our tickets

(SOUND : CAR G0M FOR A WHILc . . TfQN CASPS

AND COUGHS TO A STOP)

NELSON : Wellil, congratulations, you made it :

JACK : Huh?

NEISON : r.ver* since you left the street I'vs been biting my naiis .

JACK : Now look, I don't want any cracks about my car .

NELSON : C'n, is that a car? I thought it was a flying saucer that

nade a bad landing .

JACK : Never mind, how much for the tickets? NELSON : Two dollars and forty cents . . .that's eighty apiece . 'DON : Rere's the money, Jack . JACK : . . . ..lCi aep it.,.. Don , I'm_ .pFyinga#br°tMS:.'_.....__.,.._, DcNNIS : I want-topay f6r-my..g~are .

JACK : .- - It's silly to split it up, i'if"pay ..f~or everyone .

01 RTYS 0020040 I DON : But,,_Jack, you drove . Let Dannis end.Syr~J for the '...... -`.~ ticket . ~""'^~^~- °"~ . JACK : No no,s I 'm_ .,poing-~psy for them . ~ NF.I' SON : Piease'1et them gay, I'm biting my naiis again . JACK : Oh . . 6SNN re you are, Mister,, .Rere's a five dollar bill .

NELSON : All rightle . .two-forty out of five . .,that leaves two-sixty .,,here you are .

DON : Thank you . .Come on, Jack, drive inside .

JACK : Okay .

90UND : CAR AOC8LER4TING~.AND SUSTAIN U~pF,A ) i.v. Htii4 J.~1.wt-a3t' ~Iq qdon s e~y emp y~s . ~ ~-- ~ DsNNISS~IJhy don't you follow that car in front of you? DON : Yeah, is seems to know where he's going. JACK : Okay . (SOUND : CAR GOING FOR A FEN S3CONDS)

DENNIS : You'ra following the wrong car, that other one turned

left .

JACK : 5e did not . I'm doing the driving : CAR CHUGGING ALONG FOR. (SOUND TiN S'sCONIS . . . THEN STOPS) NEL40N : WcI-~, back from the Grand Tour, eh? JACK : Fhm Z

. DON : Jack, you went all the way out and around the theater.

DcNNIS : Nobcdy listens to me . JACK : Y;e11, hang on, I'm going back in .

, NELSON : Not so fast, tb8t'11 be two-forty, please .

901 NT 0020047 . 1 -18-

JACK : What are you talking about, we paid you once .

NGI80N : Well, don't get so huffy, it was Fatso's money .

JACK: I don't care who'a money it was . .instead of wbe~i,ng so

sarcastic why don't you teli a fellow where M4-can park

:~~Iand see the show . ~

N'isLSON LSON : ~ection H .

JACK : All right .

(SOU~N.D : CAR AOCELER4TING AND CHUGS ALONG)

DON : j Jack~'I think I see a space in the next row .

DJNNIS : Yeah, better hurry before somebody else gets it . JACK : Okay

. (SGUND : CAR ACCELERATING AND STOPPING) JACK : -`lght asqueeze . . .watch your side, Don, here I go . (SOUND : CAR COUGHING APU) CHUGGING UNDER) D01V : Come on, come on, plenty of room over hera . D3NMS : Watch it . .~to'''the r1 t to the ri ht to the riaht . DON : Come on, co`m~ &RD3NNIS : TO THG_INSPT-,-TO-THE-LFZT : w CC~a_ ivw~~~' JACK : ~ou.iu8t-salti'il~tlie riRht :lnake up vour mind :

MEL : (MOOLEY) Hey , youz Aays, pipe down, will yuz . JACK : Huh?

MEL : (6IIMICKING LOUDLY) To the right, to the right, to the

left, to the left . 3LVIA : Now Hexman, don't make a scene . M3L :JN , ~Bu,t Moitle, you'd think they was dockin' the Queen Mary . JACIC,~'" iills~.H d it down a little, fellows . . l .now how am I on your side, Don? BH

ATX01 0020042 I -19- 1 ( a dlc w.m.a- . DON : F1ne; JaCB . 1 e more . .there,lthst'e perfect . (SOUPID : IGNITION OFF) JACK : 4AM! Now let's all settle back and watch the movie . IIIiNNIS4~a,I don't like the angle from here .

JACK '10j, What's wrong with it?

DLNNIS .V,The actor on the screen has a pointed head .

JACK : You're looking in the mirmr .

DENNIS : Oh.

h ;~ little M1N aiC ., I think we are a too far to the s1de . .maybe we

could get something more k the center .

JACK : Look, I had enough trouble finding this spsce aI1B I'm

not moving, so forRet itJ COLEN : (BABY CRIES LIGHTLY A COUPLE OF TIMES)

MEL : I told ya to pipe down, now you woke the bsbyl•-p

COL5.G"N : (CRL`sS LIGI!TLY A COUPLE OF TIMES) JACK : Oh, for goodness sakes . ELVIA : Quick, Hennan, give her the milk . MEL : I can't you made it too hot .

COLsGN : (COUPLE LOUDER CRIES)

ELVIA : Hold her, Herman . NL;L : I'm holdin' her, I'm holdin' her .

JACK : Say Mister, you told me to be quiet, .now how about-pa. practicing what you preach .

MEL : Look, you woke the baby :. e JACK : (APOLOGETIC) A11 right, IPm sorry . I didn't intend to

and I apologize . . M we'xe all here to see a movie so

let's relax and enjoy ourselves .

Arx 01 0020043 -zo- Y MEL : You wanta be friends? JACK : Certainly . MEL : Okey . .stick your hand out the window . JACK : All right . . .the :e . . .OUCH! . MEL :1`01 See Moitle, I told you the bottle was too hot . JACK : You got a lot of nerve, you burned my-,x" '- -

MEL : Quiet! Whattaya wante do - wake the other kids?

JACK ~tT-- -Other kids? M&1. : Yeah, Billy, Tom, Ann, Suzie, Diokie, and Irving a=e

light sleepers .

ELYIA : And if they wake up, they'll disturb Katie, Alice, Melvin,

s0l~ Julius, and the twins .

JACK : i V , iYow many children have you got? . MKL : Who knows, it's dark in h,,e,~re . .(SOOTHINO) Now come on, baby . .Daddy'e got you . .l go to sleep ."cA.J • JACK : We had to come to a Drive-In . D3NNIS : I want to hear the picture . .Don, roll down your window and get the speeker,hs .L/k?. DON : Oke7 .

) DON :F{L4,I'1 : ,just hang it over the window ledge here .

RYAN~ (LC; BUT INTENS3) Oh, Abigail . .Abigail, my darling,

these moments with you ara like a dresm .

VEOLA : iMeC, Charles, I only live when we're together :t Hold me

closer .

RYAN : A8C•1CvM, how I love you, Abigail . .but these secret

rend ezvous -- what if your husband catches us?

80 flT 1 0020044 I V"OIA(, YA, Tkiat's impossible . .he's away for tt e week-end .

JACK : . .Don, turn the speaker up a little . DON : It isn't on yet, that's the couple in the next car . JACK : Ch, oh . .OH . (SOUND : CLICK OF SP":AKER) DON : There, it's onf•Cn .J - RUBIN : (FIUISR) (ENGLISH ACCEN'1') Well, Inspector, if I follow your thought, one of the gentlemen in this very room is

t~FySf~~iendish.,~ ax killer . JACK : ~,.,Qthis is exciting . DENNIS : Yeah, Abigail's kissing him again .

JACK ; Watch the picture .

ARTIE : (FI IMR) Yes, Redgraves, and you'11 be astonished when

I tell you that the name of the muxderer . .is . . .

(SOUND : AUTO HORN BLOWS AND K=, PS RIAWING)

DON :c'l~ Jack, stop blowing your horn!

JACK : I'm not blowing it - it's stuck! There must be a short

irn the wires .

DENNIS~ ~'I can't hear who the murderer is! CAST : (F-) LIB) QUIET . .SHCT UP . .KNOCK IT OFF, WILL YA! DON : Jack, everybody's ho11er1ng at us! Do something! ~C JACK : I'm hitting it ri 1t won't stop! DENNIS : Call the Automobile Club! JACK : I can't, they b3ackballed me!

DON : Watch out, I'll pull this wire . . .there . (SOUND : HORN STOPS) JACK : Gee, I'm so embarrassed .

Rr 8 o 1 0o 2 oo 45 COI~N : (STARIS CRYING AGAIN) ~~Q MEL : Well, you woke the baby~again, I hope you're satisfied . JACK : Look, it was an accident . ! if you don't like being next to me, why don't you move? MEL : (a,XPLODING) I SHIXJLD MOVJ' . .I SHOULD MOVE . .DID YOU }rAR THAT, MOITLE . .THIS JEELS COMES IN, BOTHERS EVERY90DY, AND HS WANTS I SHOULD MOVE . .CF ALL TEM -- QUICK, MOITLE, HOLD THE BABY . .I'M AFRAID I'LL THROW HER AT BIM . DONApilw,Jack, there's no sense staying here . Why don't you take

that spacefln thev next row? JACK :;~, Maybe you're rightfj,p.•. . - (SOUND : CAR STARTING) JACK : Some people ~juws,(t~w/on't let you have a good time .

MlN7IjiXA~Go in here .~. .n'-ext to this convertible .

~Cqpb-~-- JACK : ~, , Yea h . (SOUND : CAR PULLS UP AND MOTOR OFF) JACK-(l^atJlow maybe we can enjoy the picture . _

HBRB : (LOW) Come closer, Cynthia . .your kisses do something to me . C lD' - ' JU NE : 1:d yours thrill me.l .BUt Robert, I worry so . What if

your wife catches us? HGRB : Imnossible . .Abigail thinks I'm out of town for the weekend .

JACK : Gee, the whole family's here . .I wonder if I should tell Abigail . . .Nah, why get involved . DON :`"ILOOk, they're about to start the surprise feature .

arxo 1 oo 2 oo 46 1 -23-

JACK : Oh g 0 d ~. a(turn up the speaker, Don . RGBIN : (FIIIl"SR) AND NOW, LADIES AND G E V'I'LEY9;N, THE PALISADES

DRIVE-IN TAKES PIE4SURE IN PRESENTING ANOTI ER IN OUR

SATURDAY NIGHT SERIES OF SURPRISE FEATURES . (MUSICAL BRIRR uYNN15 : (OVER MOSIC) Oh boy, I hope this is a good one .

RUBIN : (FILTER) WARNER BRGTHER9 PRESEM^S

d N "THE HORN BLOWS AT MIILMIGBT ."

JACK : Well, what do you know .

(SOUND : ALL HELL BRF41C5 LOCSE . . .IA75 OF CAR MCTORS

START AND DRIVE AWAY ONE AFTE R ANOTH:R WITH HORNS

HONKING AND TIRZ3 SCREECHING . . . SUSTAIN TILL PIAYGFF)

JACK : (OVER B_.DIAM) .IYrt?,61~ W re's everybody going? ., .,

NOBGDY'S STAYING FOR THE PICTUR, .rd~C. . . .

b-`t, DON, DON, COME BACK. . .DENNIS . . .TcE PICTURE'S NOT THAT • _~ ab ; YNtSt- ') ~1 uttt• 1 H:tvc tt,o.,b:.~oy -• . H4D . . . .ABIGATL ,/,G IA . . . . .

BBN223M . . .CCME BACK . I DON I T CAHR . I'M GOING TC STAY 3Citi AND WATCH IT ALL BY MYScIF .

(APPLAUS3 AND PLAYOFF)

8 TX 0 1 00200 4 7 THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPA~NSY -C- "T}L JACK BENNY PROGRAM"

CLOSING COMIdERC7AL WIISON : Jack will be back in just a minute, but first a vo :d to you srralesrs who are looking for better taste

in a cigarette . Better taste, friends, is the prime

concern of the makers of Lucky Strike . That's why a

Lucky is made of fine good-taeting tobacco that's

toasted to taste even better . Yes, better taste begins

with fine, light, mild tobacco . . .good-tasting tobacco .

And then that tobacco is toasted . "IT'S TOASTED" --

the famous Lucky Strike process -- brings Iuckies'

fine tobacco to its peak of flavor . . . tones up this • naturally good-tasting tobacco to make it taste even better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . So, make your next carton Lucky Strike and Be Happy, Go Lucky . : "If you want better taste from your cig-a-rette, I TRANSCRT&M COLLINS AND :uckv StMke is the brand to get . FULL CALYPS3 VERSION OF IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, SONG-37 SsC .) It's the toasted (CIAP . . . CIAP, CIAP) cig-a-rette .

They take fine tobacco, it's light tobacco,

It's mild tobacco, too .

Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASTED

because the toasting brings the £iavor right through,

(MOIR)

01 002004 Arx e 1 THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY -D- " THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM" # 5 CLOSING CObIMERCIAL (CONT'D)

COLLINS : (CONf'D) So, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette, Iucky Strike is the brand to getl

IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

It's the toasted (CLAP . . . CLAP, CL4P) cig-a-rette :"

flT7iO1 0020049 I (TAG) -24-

(SOUND : DOOR OPENS)

ROCH : WHO'S THAT? JACK

: It's me, Rochester .

ROCH : BOSS, YOU'RE HOME EARLY . DIDN'T THEY HAVE A SECOND bEATURE AT THg DRIVE-IN?

JACK: Yes, but moat of the people left . ROCH: NLLL, THAT IS.I:SN'T M4M ANY DIFAERENCE, THEY'iE SUPPOSED TO SHOW IT ANYWAY . JACK: I know, but in the middle of the third reel, the

projectionist committed suicide . . . . . Goodnight Rochester, I'm going to bed . (APPIAUSJ AND NdJSIC)

6 rx 01 0 0 200 5 0 I (TAG) -z5-

DON: The Jack Denny Program tonight was written by Sam Perrln, Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tockeberry, Al

Gordon, Hal Goldman, and produced and transcribed by

Hilliard Marks .

The Jack Benny Program is brought to you by Iucky Strike,

product of the Americen Tobacco Cospany ---- America's

leading manufacturer of cigarettes .

Ar69o1 0020051 1 (J .B .N. 41 RANIBED SCRIPT

AMERICAN TOBACCO CGMPANY

LUCKY STRIKE TRE JACK BENNY PROGRAM_

SUNDAY, GCTOBSR 31, 1954 CBS 4 :GG - 4 :30 PM PST_ (Transcrlbed - Sept, 18o 1954)

CAST : JACK BENNY RCCNCsSTER 7 E NNIS DAY DON HIIBGN TNE SPCRTSMEN QUARTET MEL BLAIr"C IRIS ADRIAN SA1®RA GOULD JOE KEARIVS BEA BSI .A4AET JEANETI'E EYMANN

ATXOI 0020052 I Ardpl 4 TO AC 0 OMPANY -A- ~~D

OPENINC COMMEHCIAL :

WILSON : THE JACK BENNY PRCGRAM . . . transcribed and

presented by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that's

toasted to taste better! (TRANSCRIBED) If you went better teste from your cig-a-rette, FULL HIT PARAIERS Uackv Strike is the brand to getl VERSION OF SONG IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, 39 Sca .) It's the toasted (CIAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette!

They take fine tobacco, it's light tobacco, it's mild tobacco, too

Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASTED, because the toasting brings the flavor right through .

So, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette, LuckY Strike is the brand to get! IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (CL4P, . . . CL1P, CL9P) cig-e-rette!

WILSON : This is Don Wilson . You know, that song te11s

an important story to smokers . Simply, it's

this : irackies taste better . First because Lucky

Strike meens fine tobacco ., . and then this fine

tobacco is toasted! Yes, the fine, mild good-

testing tobacco m every Lucky is toasted to teste

even better . DY (MORE)

9 AT 01 0020053 I T}E AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPA -B-

OPENING CO!MERCIAL (CONT'D)

WIL90N : "IT'B TOASTED" -- the famous Luoky Strike (CONT'D) process -- brings Luckies' fine tobacco to its

very peak of flavor . . . tones up this naturally

good-testing tobacco to meke it taste even better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . So next tiwe you buy cigarettes, make it a carton of better-testing L.icky Strike . Be Happy -- Go Lucky!

fi rYlo 1 0 02 005a ! 7

(FIRST ROUTINE) . (AFPER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . .WITH MARY LNINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, DENNIS IYIY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPLAUSE . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : IADIES AND GENTLF3dEN, TONIGHP JACK BENNY DOES ANOTHER 0e HIS RN7sUL4R T,V . SHOWS OVER THE C .B .S . NETNORK. .BUT THIS IS THE HALTAWE'EN SEASON . .AND HALIqWE'EN IS SYNON0M0US WITH

FUN WHETH6R YOU LIVE IN BEVERLY HILIS, BROO KLYN, SIOUX CITY S6 OR PORTL4ND ., .IM LET'S GO BACK TO LAST YEAR, THE DAY AVPER

HALSAWF;N.N, AND SEE WHAT WENT ON IN THE JACK BENNL HOU..SfOLD .

JACK : Oh, Rochester, Has Don Wilson come over yet?

ROCH : YES, SIR„HE'S WAITING FOR YOU IN THE DEN . JACK : Good, .You know, I also called Dennis and told him to be over . .is he here? ROCH : NO, SIR . .HE PHONED AND SAID HE'D BE A LI^.TLE LATE . JACK : That's funny, .Dennis is always on time,, .I wonder what delayed him?

ROCH : HE SAID THAT LAST NIGHT WAS H4LIAWE'EN ANI) SOME KIDS TOCK

THE WH MLS OFF HIS BICYCLE .

JACK : Hmmm . .well, why din't he take the Sunset bus?

ROCH : THEY TOOK THE WHII'LS OFF THAT, T00 : JACK : Well, that's what Dennis gets for living in that kind of a neighborhood . .,I'm glad the kids around here aren't that rowdy .

Ri 8 97 0020055 ROCH : ME, TOO, BOSS . JACK: By the way, Rochester, .go out and take the bathtub off the front porch and put it back in the house again . . .Well, what are you waiting for, .teke the bath tub off the front porch . ROCH : OKAY, BUf THERE AIN'T MUCH GAS IN THE CAR . JACK : Gas in the car? What's that got to do with it?ROCH : THE FRONT PORCH IS IN PASADENA . JACK : What?

ROCH : AND PASADENA IS IN POMONA .

JACK: dW , S top being silly and do what I tell you .

ROCHt YES, SIR .

JACK : Ob I'm going db the library at lk to Don .

(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS)

JACK : (SINGS) Shine on, shine on, harvest moon, up in the sky ., I ain't had is-

(SODNU : FOOTSTEPS STOP) JACK : Oh oh . .I better hide those bicycle wheels, Dennis is liable to get sore ., .I'll put them in the closet .

(SOUND :, CLOSET DOOR OPENS . .PAUSE, THEN CLOSES . . FOOTSEPS CONTIWOE)

JACK : (SINGS) I ain't had no lovin' since January, February,

June, or July . .La la „Hmm .,the other months weren't so

good either . . .Oh well .

(SOUND : DOOR OPENS) JACK : Hiya,dMW .

DON : Hello, Jack . MEL : Hello, Jack, Hello, Jack, (SQUAWK & WHISTLES)

Rrra 01 0020 0 56 I

-3-

JACK: No no, Pb11y~.youre/supposed to call me "Daddy" .

DON :hpW,Wait a minute, Jack . . .isn't that a•little silly . .having a parrot call you daddy? . JACK : I don't think so, Don . .After all, I take care of her, feed her, talk to her, and I was the one who nursed her when she was sick . DON : Polly was siek?

JACK : Terribly sick .

MEL : (DOES A~W,pEAK, SIOKLY SQUAWK)

JACK : No no,~Po11y . .you're over it now .

MEL : (HAPPY SQUAHRS) ISo ~?.-•~1- .e_iCi.3ce-, ~ dr~r `~JACK : es, Don, She was very sick and-- , (~S~OUP07 JPHONE RINGS) ~ JACK :v1~'l-1gpetZt . (SOUtm : HCCEIVER UP) JACKo Hello . DENNIS~G.,~t,'~~iello, Mr . Benny, this is Dennis . JACK:(h, Hello, Dennis, ve're waiting for you . What's taking you so long?

DENNIS : I couldn't get a taxi . JACK : Oh .

DENNIS : So my mother's driving me over in her steam roller .

JACK : Your mother? . .I thought it was your Uncle gernarr that

drove the ciezm roller . DENNIS : Not anymore . JACK : Why, what happeeed?

&+1

ArYi 0 1 00 2 005 7 ti DENNIS : Well, yesterday something was wrong with the f r ont roller,

so he got out to look at it, and somo kids played the meanest Hallowe'en trick . JACK : Dannis, that's terrible ., .where's your Uncle now? DENNIS : Well, you know that white line that runs down the middle of Wilshire boulevard? JACK : Uh huh .

IENNIS~: ,,: ~T~h~e dark part of it is Uncle Herman .

JACK ~ ~"Dennis J htop iO me~ng h3ngs u like that . Your uncle

passed here this morning . IENNIS : Didn't he look thin? JACK : Oh, harg up and get over hare~w~kS vJG+.~-ZIT ;NNIS : Yes sir .

- (SOUND : RECxpygry DCWN)

JACK : What a kid . .He gets sillier every dey,,,I remember once

he calledA up.r ll- --

MEL : (SERLS OF FRIGHTENED SQUAWIUS AND CRYING)

JACK : DON, STOP EATING POIJ.Y'S CRAC KERS,,,FOR HEAVE NS SAID;S,

DON : I was just picking them up to feed to her . MEL : (SQUAWK) c~tL1C~ _ DON : 4M Jack, how long do parrots live?

JACK : Oh, a long tirte, Don,,,some of them live for years and

years .

DON : How old is this one?

JACK : Sixty-three . . . and she's still got all her feathers .

p8, t ~ DON : That's more thsn yo Cen PHrv-ca~4-V.nte1~~AY~+..2 13E-,(-'~ _. ~-h"o.~h L JACK: bon, ddnTt oe so~~-Z, ely y6u elweys tsg ~-~e- '~ .~z'LLlkP (SOUDID : PHOME RINGS) \ C0.Fi BR

8 01 rx 0020058 1 (A.¢. P v`o~ JACK : Rochester . .will you answerW please? HOCH : YES, SIR . (EAUSm : RECEIVER UP) ROCH : JACK BEtiNYIS RCSIDENCE, STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN, RADIO, TELEVISION, AND WILL SELL TWO BICYCLE YIfQsT.?S A . T RIDICL'LOUSLY I4W PRICES

DENNIS : Hello, Rochester, this is Dennis . Please tell Mr .'LY~~

(TAKE) Hey, what did you say about two bicycle wheels?

ROCH : OH-0H . . .ME VELLY SOLLY . . .YOU HAVEE IfJNG NUMBIA . .MAYBE YOU

HAVE BIS:1'111-R LUCK BY Ff1 BY . .SC LONG EGG F00 YUN('r . DENNIS : Lochester, Lochester, I tly talkee to Lochester n/Q allee tlmee I ta'-kee to Chinee boy . ROCH : 50 50LLY, NO UJCHESTER . .NOBIL7Df HERE EXCEPT US CHOP SUEYS CHOP CHCP . .GLOODBYE PLEASE .

JACK ; „fi ROCHESTE_R, GIBE t~ THAT TEIEPHONE „Hello, who is this? DENNIS4L Hello, Mr . Benny . .this is Dennis, and Rochester said you

had a pair of bicycle wheels that---

JACK : So solly long numbla, goodbye .

DENNIS.: Mr. Benny, Mr . Benny

JAOK : Dennis, let's stop this kidding'^why aren't you here ? DENNIS : Well, I'm in a music store . . I dropped in to buy of a song I'm going to do on Sunday . . I Like Be€r.g In Love . "

JACK : Oh yeg` heard that song . arrer.ge:'en,, .

DENNIS : Oh, it's sw~k-;"-bu what aboutthe bicycle wheeis ? JACK : Dennls ;'tae sor.g . . .How d it go ?

DENNIS : iDo you want me to sing it for y

prxoi 002 0 05 4 I JACK : iYes yes . 1 DENNIS : ut what about the bic e wheels? JACK : Jus sing the son will you please?

DENNIS 0kay . JENNY : What about he bicycle wheels?

JACK : Opera ; you keep out of it . .Go ead, Dennis . (DENNISIS SO "".:KOST LIY.E BEING I E") (APPiAUSE)

arxoi 00 2 00 60 (SECOrUJ EoUTIId:)

JACK: , . .Believe me, kid if you'd

only ieke my advice and stop talking silly all the time,

and just sing, you'd really go places . DENNIS: No I won't . JACK : Why not?

DENNIS : I've got no wheels on nb bicycle .' JACK : Oh, goodbye . (SOUND : WEIVF72 D04IN ) JACK : You z^ww, Don, sometimes I don't know why I waste my time

taii~?n,gt,.~o that kid .

DON: Ch,~iiis o y . . . AhMiNtAnk,V-~^-- speaking of wasting timevi .I've r (A~y been here A nearly a half hour and you still hsven't told E me 4W you wanted me to come overa+{,ry .

JACK: Ch ;es . .Don, it's about the quartet

DON : The S^ortsmen? L J JACIC: Yes,h .I've been thinking this over seriously for quite

a-cng time now, and I've finally made up my mind . . .I'm going to fire them . . DON : Fi^z chem? But Jack, they're one of the beat singing gro::ps in the country . JACK: I'i'_ admit that . . .but they never sing what I want them

to . .They're always singing crazy songs and embarrassing

me . . .They have no respect for me . aM The other day when

I asked A practically begged them to do a certain

tune -- I think the baritone called me a dirty name .

DON : You think?

JACK : Yes, who knows what "InmmBmn mm nmmma mrummtimma" means? . . .

And anyway, Don, I want you to come with me to a lawyer

because you're the one who's responsible for them .

flili0 1 00200 6 1 1 -10-

DON : Jack, you~ 'don't have to go to your lawyer . JACK : Yes, I do1~ .I~a nt him to break their contract : But you don't have enough reasons to fire them . DON

JACK : Yes, I have . DON : But they're Wonderful singers,4they're very popular, too . . av,C4hey have a lot of fens . . .In fact, plenty of people tune into your program just to hear them, not you . - JACK : ~~T.Qhvat's another reason . . .Believe me . DON :~`„C`"7ack, don't be hasty . .Nhy don't you give them another chance? JACK : Ne11 . . .I don't Like to fire people . . # gacft~t,~~d,,u~rGi~n,g my entire cereer in show businass I~ fired anybody . % y2, DON : qxhat about that beld-headed xriter you used to have . .you fired him, didn't you? JACK : No, I didn't . .I stopped paying him his salary and after a coupler' years he qu1t . .That's all that haccened . DON : Well, his partner didn't quit and he's not nith you any more . JACK-bCI1,Be starved to death. .But Don . .if I give the Sportsmen another

~ hence, do you think they'll mend their ways? d~) `x'1"~ ~ ~~-~ DON-:-Y - sure ofit..Trifac~Ta'll talk to them myself . " JACK)tW(,A11 ~righ.t . .then let's forget about it . DON : J~ck~u~_}~ .re'~yod p -voo't r~eg ~ t fii s~ .-WeI1; IIR CSe~running along . JACK: Oh . .Where are you going7 ~r~Z . DON : G"J) Nonhere in particular . .I'11 probably drop inn he drugstore for some lunch Y_C"E~ : Say, I'r_Phungry,. JACK ~ too ...... ; .,. (CALLS) OH, ROCBEST}R .

ROCH : (COMING IN) YES, MR . BgJdy .

AT}f 0 1 0020062 CK : Mr . Wilson and I vould like a little lunch .' ROCH : T'14~mY, I CAN'T MAKE ANYTHING . .T IS STILL T[A?NID OFF . ACK : Oh yes . .g0urn it bac eff-again now, Rochester .

IN : When was the gas tu ~ ars Jack? ACK : Oh, a fev aeejcs`&go . .It's turned o ry year at that time . DON : That's culiar . .Who turns it oPf? \ ROCH : . .THAT'S WHEIJ THE RLYIIWS ON MR . BF11'NY'S FIRST\Ht aernay ' COME OUf AND I' TAKE NO CHANCFS . ia -1 JACK : Look, Rochester . .you can turn t ek on '`,,,sr, 1/ilson

and I are going to have lunch at the drug store . .Come on, Don . DON : Okay, Jack .

(TRANSITION MUSIC) DON : Well ~ ere's the drug store . JF~ 7esn . .~ome on, et~s go ~~ (SOUND : DOOR OPIIVS . .TIWY BN3L,) O tE-w. Ep -11~ JACK : }Dnm, =_il the tables !i taken . .Let's get those tvo stools at the end of the counter .

DON : But tT.ere are two right here, Jack . JACK : Oh yes . . .I'11 see if ve can have them . JACK : Oh, we'_tress . .waltress .

IRIS : Whadd= ye vant, Mac? JACK : Are these two stools available? IRIS : No, they're reserved for the Duke and Duchess of Windsor . JACK : 4W . .Come on, Don, let's sit doun .

IRIS :~~~~~ Whadda ya xanne eat?

JP.CK :WCI1,I haven't made up my mind yet . . .better take my friend's

. order first . What'll you have, Don? DON : I can't make my mind up either . GH

ar 8 0 1 002 00 63 1 -12-

JACK : Mias p, maybe we better look at a menu .,klave you got a menu? IRIS : Here . JACK : Now let me see . IRIS : Don't bend it, it's the only one we Qot, JACK : Look, I'm not -- ~ .

IRIS : And stop droolin&

JACK ; 1ft . .Look, Miss, all I want is a chicken sandwich .

DON : I' 11 have the same .

IRIS: Okay, I'11 be back with the grub in a minute .

DON : You know, Jack, IAcan't understand how a girl like her can hold a job here . ~ . JACK: Now wsit a minute, Don . .don't be~ hard on hei1,~l .She's had

a tough time of it, . .Do you knov that she used to be a big star on Broadway . DON : Really?

JACK:~10 . .~ xL ee years she playe d the~, titl e~ro-l~e in The. Voice .,. ,;~ . 1 ------`~oi-The urtle . . . k rLxX-, ~ Why? JACK : thought maybe we'd op over at the Cinegrill at the I Roosev Hotel an see Franki_e, ~R.ermle od-hTA o'rchestr DON : Oh yes .,How doe 1 ll~eo[C" eading~the band?

JACK : ~We11'. .e on the £lo his baton, he looks like

/a happy dach und wagging his ta11,,,,Anyuay, we m a_over ;' there end-- .__._. DON : Oh, excuse..- .~_~C me a minute, Jacl?~ .A The Sportsmen are sitting over

. Z . JACK'. Where?

fiT7{O1 0020064 1 -13-

DON : M~, Oveq,.-in the corner . I want to talk to them a minute . . U 1 JACK:1 Hell, remember, D giOA them a warning about what I said . DON : 1'l1 talk to them about it . (30UTID~ FOOTSTEPS FADING OFF) (SINGS) Shine on, shine ons; harvest moon, .up in the sky . . IRIS: Hey, Mac, you want milk to drink with your sandwich, don't you?

JACK: ~.how did you know? IRIS : Our coffee would knock youlbrf~that stool . JACK: All right, all right . .just bring the milk . DON: (SISGHTLY OFF)4 ellows, please . .do yourselves a favor . . . teke vd advice . .don't sing that song for Jack, .(C06IING CLOSn.R) . . . . This is neither the time nor the place .

J0.CIc', ~~S`0 ~ AFPR~~N~ Q . T S) rl{~}C DON:W.w)a.k(0N) Fellows . .I'm ~t^eUl~ling go~u'.~. .for your7own good . JACK: What's the matter,ADOn? DON: They want to sing a new number for you . JACK: Here : In the drug store . .I should say not . .It would be embarrassing .

DON : I told you, fellows .

JACK: You see, Don, they won't listen to anybody . . .That's why I want to fire them .

DON : But Jack, they claim that this is a very beautiful song . JACK: I dcn't care LZ -- --

DON : Boys, he's mad at you anyway . . valp la you better not

JACK: Don . .Don . . L~.'~arQ tIPW DON : ~Boys, hold 1t . .hold it~ ~.p-Q~~ ~ ~jOLry,

Rrx 01 0020065 1 -I3A-

QUART : HEY HONEY, DIN(i DONO A-LAI$i A-LAN(} A-Idt NG~bkX ;. ~-~ ~a0.UU. S4u, 13v~~Y . .~ ~vL vi TftA LR'-9HA-EOZSFiW,__A_BA7DO BA DO Ij WLLr,~ 'cN bhe~,.. . MAHTY : LIFE COULD BE A DREAM SHA BOOM AtraUEi IF I COULD TAKE YOU UP IN PARADISE WMNV.

SHA BOOM s~ IF YOU~~ME I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT YOU LOVE LIFE COULD BE A DREAM, SWEEPHEART . Z.

QUART : HELLO, HELi.O AGAIN~

AM) HOPING WE'LL MEET AGAIN

MARTY : OH LIFE COULD BE A DREAM, SHA BOOM . ~C. Shu. b 7W" ~Y3.l.~Aa tO lf..rCA J IF ONLY ALL MY PRECIOUS PLANS WOULD COME TRUE, U-4C~ g . ""SHA HOOM

IF YOU WOULD ~LEf ME SPEPID MY WHOLE LIFE ME YOU

LIFE WO ULD 8B 7f DRE7~~-SIJEEP

QUART : HELIA) H8'LIA, AGAIN SHA BOOM 1Jc,.~ 'jt~ C~4LtCZ. (.$„~ fJCw,~jc~ AND HOPITR# WE'LL MEET AGAIN . COULD BE IlM DREAMING, SWEETHF.AHT .

EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU ; SOMETHDJG IS ON MY MIND .' YA DA DA DA D00

IF YOU DO WHAT I WANT YOU TO Li-G

BABY WE 0~ BE so FINE iwwmvmww `L, 0k-'.

LIFE COULD BE A DREAM, SHA BOOM

IF I COULD TAKE YOU UP TO PARADISE UP ABOVE -)- . SHA BOOM i

DY (MORE)

NTH01 0020066 I -13B-

(@UARTEi' C~ONµl'I~w) u .m..k.d~- ~Ak vrw ~`M E&~. ..r Gr~2 ~~; L73+E COULD BE A DREAM, SWEEPHRART . SWEE TIFJ+RT

BHA UEOO~Mj, DA B00~ ~D,A~ B~OOM~~ BOOM }M HOOM~,3~~~~,~ .y

`3NEL^ftff.AtYf~ 3FiA~~l~O ~D~A'-LYSO-DA~~OFi-

SAA BOOM ) La4 LSSSSS DASH MFT SHA BOOM SHA ~Q.OLv VY/'^ ~ ~2 .~'EEII~'~UIE.P' c." . PCFF ON A LUCKY ASID YOU WILL AGREE

BHA BOOM BOOM BOOM SHA BOOM

idR . BENNY BHA SHA BHA 6~

LUCKY STRIKES ARE MADE OF LIGHI' AND FII' E TOBACCO YOU'LL GET BEMTI2 TASTE IN LUCXIES THAT'S A FACT, YEARJ

LUCKY STRIKES ARE TOASTED ,u.Lk". -~e4r~4,)

A BETPER TASTING CIGAREI"1'E SGf.~i+t ..vc~ L~i W] tiv.EYsu BA BA BA BA BA BA BETTER TASTING

BHA BOOM SHA BOOM

LSSSSS DASH MST BHA BOOM SAA BOOM ~'C-ti.e.El.1-~ UrYn~1 ~'c~cL GLLI . R.~iGL21 ' ?OFr' ON A LUCKY AND YOU WILL AGREE

SAA BOOM BOOM BOOM BHA BOOM

MR . B~ SRA BHA SEA BOOM W ~.Li.X0.w.' e la.f~.. .F- , LUCiSY 3TRIHES ARE MAD RT j YOU'LL ET BETTER TASTE IN LUC ObR ~ THAT'S A F , YEAHI ~

~ LUCKY STRIKES ARE '1'BP .TID

A BETTER T

BA 3A~,WBA BA BA BEPPER TING

. SHP.~BOOM BHA BOOM .

RTYl01 002006 7 (THIItD ROUTINE) -14- i ~(ow t~ k~[~^ . . . ~g5 JACK`1That ~acoes the it1: last~ straw . .i, I warned you . that if they -

DON : But Jack, tri ed ~- - `-' _~ JA(°IC"~Vfl~-~I was a nice guy ae gave them another chance . . J DON : Jack,~if~yould only JACK : I don't want to hear any more about it(I.IV m going to call a lawyer right now and weE~~'~lcl..,gC~o over there and see if I can break my contract vith MW quartet . :Ac on, Don . (LEGAL TRANSITION MUSIC)

(SOUND : FoarsTEPS IN NALL . .STOP) . ~3`v-e, L ~ v+^~L.f .;LV~.~ : Is this the lawyer's office, Jack !? . DON JACK: Yeah . .Joseph S . Kearns, Attorney at Law . .Letls go in .

(SOUND : DOOR OPINS) JACK : Pardon me, Miss, I'd like to see Mr . Keerns . SAHI7Y : (BROOKLYN DAb[E) Do,you have an apperntment? i`r-u~O ~~.Q.tCE~.. y 4 w .OK :1~We11,

SANDY : Do you have an apprntment J? JACK : Yes, I have an appointment . _ SANDY : What? JACK : I said I have an appointment . SADIDY : What?

JACK : An apperntment .

SANDY : Oh, go right in .

JACK : 0=WA lM .

(SOUND : FEkf FCOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPF]VS)

0 ATii 1 0020068 1 -15-

KFARNS : (ON PHONE) Now look, Mr . Smith, I'm a busy man . .I can 't stay on this phone all day . I told you I won't settle this case fo~r~~less than fifty thousand dollars . I'm sorry, Mr . Sm1th .hatis up to you, Mr . Stiiith. Goodbye .

(SOUND : RFS:El'VIIt DOWN)

JACK : * Hello, Mr . Kearns .

KEARNS : Hov do you do, Mr . Smith . i~-E rp v*J_ ~i JACK : No no' ;-Ben . a enny .

KEARNS : Oh, yes yes . .please forgive me, It's just that I've been

so busy lately and have so many things on my mind .

JACK :O~f~ ~`-!,~I understand, Mr . Kearns . . .I'd 11ke you to meet Don Wilson . KEARNB~K'How do you do, Mr .Ffllson . DON : How do you do .

KEARNS : Er . .haven't we met before? DON : I don't think so .

KEARNS : That's funny, your name is so familiar . db 1(eeps running

through my o1nd . .Smith, Stuith, Smith .

JACK ; No no, his r,e me is Wilson .

KEARNS : Oh~,CoFyes yes . .how stupid of me, your name is Smith . 1 c, L!- JACK: No wb , Smith was on the telephone .

KEARNS : hat happened to Benny? ~Cu.\ w Hc~ wo.a.v 'J -~ J.4C w~e J- m Bejy,_Tck Benny . KEARNS : Oh yes . Now, what can I do for you? JACK : Well, Mr . Kearns, what I came to see you about ~-- ~G (SOffidD : BUZZFR) KFARNSvi .~a~rd"on me . (SOUND : RPxECVIIi UP) KEARNS : Yes?(4~ .Oh. .we11, send them right in .

(SOUND : RFxE1VER DOWN) GH

ATX 0 1 0020069 1 KEARNS : This won't take long . It seems to be very urgent . .A domestic

Case .

(SOUND : LOUD KNOCK ON DJOR)

KEARNS : COME I3I.

(SOUPID : DOOR OPENS)

MEL : Mr . Kearns, I want p--- BFA : I'LL DO THE TALKING AND YOU KEEP YOUR BIG MOUTH SHUT .

MFI, : MY BIG .viOUTH . .YOUR LIPS COULD BE STRECCHID OVPR A PIANO 9TOOL .

KEARNS : Now cou, we can settle this without harsh words .

BBA : THAT , S OKAY WITH ML . I WANNA DIVORCE THIS JRRK .

KFARNS : Very well, but you'll need grounds .

BRA : IF I F.=D THAT, I'D BURY HIM .

MEL : OH, YZ~-H?

BEA : YEAH .

KEARNS : Please . .pleese . .let's not resort to that . What are your

names again? BEA & MII,

: t•.4 . AND 1,23 . KRAUSMEYFR .

KEARNS : Very aell, I'll file the application . .Goodbye . (SOUND : DOOR SIAM)

KEARNS : Now getting 'oack to you . What did you come to see me about?

DON : Well, ;.7ou see-- , M 1 JACK : Wait =_ minute, Dott, I'll tell him . . . . Mr, Kearns, as I

started to say --

KFARNS : Oh yes, I remember, You two wanted a divorce . JACK : No no, that's Krousmeyer .

KFARN$~,/, ~,Of coc^se, of course . .I hed you confused with Mr . and Mrs . Wilson who just left . ~ `

DON : I'm Mr . Wilson .

0 flTH 1 002007 0 1 88ARNS : Oh, yes yes, then you're BIl^ . Krausmeyer, JACK :N, No, I'm~ S~mi,~thy-~-I msan, nny :tw~a

KEARNS : Oh yes . :~nqQ'V son , iow what's on your mindY

JACK : +dell, I've got e quartet on pm~,y~~radio program .end

to break their contraot ./LIC~ra it 1s,Ll,1w~Q~ ,~ ~2. KEARNS : Umm,A~g ooks like en iron-cled egreeven,t .~. .but . . .I've,0i e very clever idea . You can break the contract? KEARNS : Not o but v th a, idea c your money. JACK: All u vone ? W~F how . . .tell elTtori UON : Jacklcan't talk, let go his collar . JACK: .- Dh, I'm sorry .

KEARNS : All you .hevv~ ,,~ (SOUND: ZR) Kg ARNSt,T~'s:xcuseARNSt,T~'s:xcuse me . . (SOUND: I-(EIVSR UP) KEARNS : Yes? . . . tfiet?f1. .nTi(~o-,od, good . .send then in : R?.CEIVER DOWN) . (SOUND

HEARNS : It's that couple who were just in here for a .divorce .

Mr . and Mrs . Keerns . JACY.:hO~ Your neme is Keerns . K6ARNSa-I :rnan Mr . and Mrs . Wilson . DOTd : Their name is Nrausmeyer . KE.4RNS: Oh yes . .Thenk you, Mr . Smith . JACK: Ram .

flrxo 1 oo2 ooP 1 DONaJCe[k,Jack, isn't this t~h./~e.~~l}awyer who pleaded a case end got the jury so confusedAttfey-sent the ud e up for twenty yesra? RFARNS: Oh, so you read about it, Huh?

JACK : Read about it! I thought he made up a j oke . . .for heavens sakes . . (SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR) iOrARNS: COME IN . (SOUND: LOOR OPENS)

BBA : Come, dollface, carryme over the threshold .

MEL: No, lover, you carry ms . .you're stronger .

BEA : Okay . .ups-a-daisy, IML

: Whoops, not so high, I'll get a nose bleed .

NgARNSJJ~,Coms come, I'm e busy man, am you sure your minds are made

~gu.p/,?,BEA

: ~. Fk end Porfirio don't went ~divorce . .+x-~e-'.~Ja9A.u~et'dti (~yr.i~~~~' Y]c~iY W~JUrnC~r~cCO.bGV-&-W/C ..~ N8ARN9 `ri :3e I won't file the epplication . .and good luck to r.rq~P+-n~?

both of you . r_`s~~.Su.iv_' `~•r.

MEL & BEA : Thank you . (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) KEARNS : Now where were we? . lu~/ L\cSs ~~ ~.r_w~-l~ s r y~ J JACK : Now plezse/\please, 16t's not~'este

the neme . Jack Benny . This is Mr . Wilson, Mr. and bh•s .

Krausmeyer just left, you're Kearns, and 9sith was on the

phone . Now tell me, Mr . Saerns, you said you knew how to

break t':E contract with my quartet .1. How are you going to do it?

I(EARNS : Now let's see . .Since you're suing them for fifty thousand

dollars, we can --

RF -19-

JACK : I'm not suing them for fifty thousand dollers!

KEARNS : Oh yes, that was Krausmeder

: That was Smith on the p(ione!. JACK

Kw1+RNS : itell, what are you doing here? JACK: I don't ir~wwl.er. . .all I know is I had an eppar.ntment .40- '~ aA4t appointment . .

KEARNS: Oh yes . .you carce in here about a quartet . . I remember now . . you cama in with thia man here . .Miater . .er.,Mieter . .er. .

~ JACK: Don . . . ~ , Mr. Kse,,~.~~,.~

break that contract .dha4e it is on your desk .

KEARNS : Oh, that one . I'm sorry, but that contract is unbreekeble .

You haven't got a chance . So I advise you, es.e lawyer --- (SOUND: BANGIfA ON DOOR) .

JACK: 0'1, Now whet . K^ARNS: COM6 IN . . . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) -.

BsA : I'M GONNA DIVORCE YOU IF IT'S THE L4ST THING I D0, YOU

SPORGEf EAD!

MEL : THAT'S ORATITUIE FOR YOU . AFT5R WE I -E F1' HERE, I CARRIED

YOU ALL THE WAY DOWN TiL HALL SO YOU WOULDN'T TIRE YOUR

BIG FIAT F .."T :~~~ WELL, YOU DIDN'T. BjA HAVE TO IROP t~ DOWN THAI'IAUNDRY CHUTE .

J9CKpt`0"'~1 I don't maen to get into this . .but . .we're on the twelfth floor. .and you dropped your wife down the leundry chute?

BEA : I HIT BOTTOM LI M A SACK OF WE: WASH! MEL: WITH YOUR SHAPE, HOW 8L'tG COULD YOU HIT? RF

AT7S0 1 ~. .00200 7 3 -20-

BEA: ~, MR . K-PARNS .---

a4iARNS : I've got the applications right here .

BEA : GOOD, WE'LL S ES YOU IN COlIRT . .G00I8Y8 . (SOUND: DOOR SLAM) JACK : Gee .thet's a shame . .4W they're such a nice couple . KSARNS : Oh, Iwouldn't worry about them . .thie has been going on for twenty yeers . .Tbey'11 get back together . .8ut I am o ed ~bout t~hec~,h,l~l,d.r,.en~ 'l JACK : Chi dren?~L•^ KrSARNSd1Yes . .t*et's the tragedy of divorce . .who's going to take care of the little ones? JACK : Hmm . .end I think I have troubles . . .bfi . Kearns ., I'm glad I I dropped into your office today . Ifte got a big home .,s

butler. .a swimming pool . And I'm going to do~eomething

thst'll make ee happy, too . I'm going to have their

children come homs and live with rce until their parents

meke up their minds

: Gosh, tnet's the noblest. DON thing you've ever done, Mr . S^eusvayer .

K';ARNS : Yes, it's a wonderful thing . .and from now on the children ere yccr responsibility .

JACK:JA~Gcod gcod . .

KEARNS : And the children are here . .right in the next office .

JACK : ,~f 1~e,(ay I see the little rascals now?

K6ARNSWS,YCu cer .ainly mey . Go right in

: Thank y%u, . JAOK

!SOUND: DOOR OPBNS) ' JACK : You . . .you're the children? RF

HrH 01 00 20 0 74 QUART : RMG4M4M4d . JACK : ~--0h, for goodness sakes .

DON : JACK, DON'T STAND TIER6, IET'S RUN : JACK : I CAN'T Vs NO'd, I'M T$E

QUART : M IS FOR TfL W ON IGS YOU GAVE US . JACK: Oh Quiet!

0 ICA NS ONLY DII GROWING OLD. JACK : I'M NOT GjiEriIING OLD. . .Come on, mn, let's go .

APPIAU SE & MUSIC)

~j~w~J ; SF c~ V~ow ~ Qwu

SctA~2 S . 4~ dKicfID~.~c@tac(Rcf0.cfs-tc~a(n . '

Oc,-Lw~ avi w ~ a Cav

prxo~ oozoo7s 61E 4KN SvAN. TOBACCO----_OR4CC0 . . COMPANY -C- kw/A9;l- :1@IPYl7ASq8aus~y', 10 r U as- ) wi4Y S f 9 c C iclN [ L i E i :+c iH f

DON : Jack will be back in just a minute to te11 you about his

telvision show that goes on immediately after this program

on the CBS Network, But first I'd like to say something

important to you cigarette smokers .

Jack will be back in just a minute, to tell you about his

television shov that goes on at seven o'clock over the CBS

Television Network, but first, I'd like to say something

important to you cigarette smokers . When you 17.ght up a

Iucky, you can be sure you'll get the better taste you want .

That's becauae a Lucky is toasted to taste better . Of

course, the beginning of .better taste is fine tobacco .

IB/hFT - Lxcky Strike m ans fine tobacco . Ana then . . . IT'S

TOASTED! That's the famous Iucky Strike process that brings

Iuckies fine tobacco to its peak of flavor . . . tones it up to make this naturally good-tasting tobacco taste even

better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Yes, that's why Iuckies

taste better . It'sthe .cigarette of fine tobacco and It's Toasted! So remember . . .

( TRANSCRI&4.D) FUIY NIT PANADM 9EFSSC1P-IT SONG -- 39 SEC .) If you want better taste from your cig-a ~etto, Iaicky

Stri cs is the brand to get! IT'S :OASTED to give you the best taste yet,

It's the toasted (CIAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette .

Bt%

RT}! 0 1 0020076 THE 'uLK i Lt SH3 TCB0.CC0 CqNPANY 'i3M i1MIWM~ z; 6CTiSI .l Y r[y~~fe=H~;~ r (TN6NS~P'OCRIDED :

~ANkDW vgnnlmrCF SONG -- 39 SEC .) CCNT I D .

They take fine tobacco, it's 1i t tobacco, it's light

tobacco, it ' s mild tobacco, too

Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TCASTED

brings the flavor, because the toasting right throuRh. So to get better taste from your cig-e-rette Lu~ Strike is the brand to get :

IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet , It's the toasted (CIAP . . . CIAP, CIAP) cig-a-ratte :

Rrx 01 oozoo ?? -22

'~~. (TAG )-, (SOUND: REY IN DOOR . .DOOR OPENS) JACK: back, Rochester . ROOH : MR. BSNNY. . .HOW DID YOU L t' SANIk7I0H Ai', .",fII's IIRJGsfORg4

JACK: Well, it was \~-4welt a minute, ,R/oo hester . .HOw did you know

I had a chicken sstK2vich- lemight have had a hgyburger . ; ROOH: HO N0, BOSS. .IF YOU 'HAMBUR38R, IT WOULD BE KETOHUP. . ~ YOU'VE GOT NAYONNAI M TIE :

I JACK: Hlmn. . .Look at that a pertec y good tie ruined . ROCH: YEAH, AND THAT vAS YOUR LAST G00 . . .YOU HEPTIsR GO OUT

AND BUY YGUR36[{.F SOME NEH TIRS .\ ! JACK: Neh, I'11/ /it . .I'm going to get four of m next Mothar's ~ DeS . . .G6odnig6t, Rochester . .Goodnight fniksr 8e you in a i litfle wnile on my television shov . i \ (APPLAUS~bUSIO)

' ~u c~ZU~ ~ .~e_4k,vv~c~ pla~rw ~~ wcu j t.~c U c L . a wajtc~,- ~

Arxo I 00200? e

(J .s.R.3) PROdRAM ,'Y7

AMEHICAN ToBncoC CoMPANm uroxY sTRIKB

Ta JACK BENNY PF OORAM

SIR7(YNY, NOVBIDER 7, 1954 CBS 4 :00 - 4130 PM PST

(Transcrib9d - Nov . 9, 1952)

CASTi Jack Benny

Mary Livingstone Bob Crosby Dennis Day Rochester Don Wilson Sportsmen Quartet Mel Blanc Sam Hearn Frank Nelson Iris Adrian Benny Rubin Bea Benedsret

Arxo I oo20o 8 o THE ' J~nc~c.10a~srui°x a°cRnM~~ NOVEDEBR 7, .1954 OP8NIN3 COtRffi2CIkL

WIISON : THE JACK BDNPY PROGRAM . . . transcribed and presented by

LNCRY STRI KE . . . the cigarette that's toe t to teste better: (TRANSCAgSBD) FULL ORCH : "If you vent better taste from your cig-e-rette, 7•cko, Strike is the brgcd to get ;

IT'S TOASTED to give you the beat taste yet It's the toasted (Cbl+P . . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-r9tte :

They take f,ing tobacco, it's licht tobacco, it's mild tobacco, too Then 3T'S

TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOA .STED, because the toasting brings the flavor right through .

So, to get better taste from your cig-e-rette . Luckv Str ke is the brand to get ;

lf.'S TOASTED to give you the

(CLAP . . . CLAP,best taste yet, It's the toaste CLAP)cig-.eriette:

WILSON : Friends, this is Don Wilson . . . there's no doubt about

it ; (STAn7.Y, WPPH EMPHASIS) If you vent bettar taste from your cigarette - Luckv Str e is the brand to get .

It's toasted to taste better .

Naturally, Luckies' better taste begins ,justvhere you'd

exnect it to begin . With fine tobacco . I3 MAT - Lucky

Strike veens fine tobacco . And then -- that tobacco is

toested . "IT'S TOASTSD" -- the famous Lucky Strike process

-- tones up Luckies naturally good-testing tobacco to make it taste even better .. . ) . . RM ( MORE

RTYl01 0020081 T THE ATf6RICAN TOB ACCO CCNPANY -f3- "Tf E JACK BBNNY PROGRAM" hP7 NOVENESg 7 . 1954 . . OPENII1l1 COhAMEt_CIAL CONTD .

WIi.SON : Gleaner, Fresher, Smoother . So next time ,,, get better teste, Get Laoky Strike .

(TRANSCRIBBD COLLIti .9 WITB F'CLL OtCN. B .G .) If you want better taste from your c7g-a-rette,

Luclcv Strike is the brand to get :

IT ' S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

It's the t ast (CLAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) oig-e-rette :

Rrxo. 1 . oo 2 o0e 2 -1-

(FIHST ROUfINE)

(AFTER COMQiCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : TfM LUCKY STRIK6 PROGAAM, STARRINO JACK BEfIIiY, .WITN MARY

LIVINGSTONG, ROOHESTER, IENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND .

"YOURS TRULY" DON WIL40N . (APPLHU9fi . .,MUSIC UP AND DOdN) DON : LADIES AND (ENTIEMEN, IEP'S GO BACIC T0 Y8BT8(tDAY . . .A HAIF HOIIIt BEFORE REHF.ARSAL. JACK HAS DROPPED IN AT TRE CORNER DRDGSTORE,,,AND AT TfE MOtM WE FIND HIM S11TIN0 AT THE COGNPfiR READING A ME7SPAPF3t, (SOUND : RU3TIE OF NEHSPAPER)

JACK : R = , here's an lnteresting item . According to a National

Survey, in twenty yeers California xili be the number one state ., .Los Angeles will be the number one oity . This

anticipation of industrial growth has made the City of Los Angeles very smug. Hm, look at the weythey spell smug - 5, M, 0, G . . .No no, they $19 spell it S,M,U,G . . .

I wonder what makes my eyes waterlike that . . .Anywey,

I thlxilc it's wondertUl that --

IRIS : Do you wenna order now? JACK : Huh? IRIS : Ycu've been sitting on that stool for ten minutes . JACKoJ~*I'm vaiting for someone .

IRIS : Well, don't wrinkle up that newspaper or we'11 never be able to sell it .

JACK : i won't, I won't . !!

(SOUND : RUSTIB OF N3ISPAPER) RM

Arx 01 0 0 2 00e 3 -p-

JACK : I wonder how -- Hm, here's an article that's hard to

believe . A famous sCientist claims that it von't be long before people will be living on the .voon, Hey,

that gives me an idea for a joke for my radio program.

If people live on the moon, prices will be sky high . (SILL4 IALGH) Hey, that's a good joke, I better write it dorm . Say Miss, do you have a pencil?

IRIS : a I heard it, don't bother .

JACK : d- I didn't ask for en opinion . I've been a big radio star

for twenty years, and when it comes to jokep I know what

I'm doing . . IRIS : Look, I've got other customers . Do you wanne order now? JACK: I told you I'm waiting for someone . . IRIS : If you're trying to make me jealous, forget it ; JACK: I'm not trying to make you jealous . .anL anywey, a fine waitress you are . .I've been sitting here for fifteen

. minutes) rR you didn't even bring me a glass of water . IRIS : Okay, okay .

JACK: Hm, s!e thinks she's smart . I didn't like her when she

wes a brunette^ N:qs1. I don't know vhy ;,ehealvays , has to pick o~n~ ~•~.-- ~ - BCB : ~,.~ (FADIlVG IN) Yi4e,dJack. . . JACK :~jVM, Bob, Bob Croeby, . .I've been waiting for you . . Sit down,

B OB :UJ &, Thanks .

IRIS : Do you wanne order now?

RrYfo 1 0 02 0 064 -3-

JACK : Sr . . .yes yes, Nov look, Miss, I'll have a olub

sandwich and here's the way I went it made . I went it

on vhite bread, slightly toested, I vent the bacon ard

tomato in the lover half and the chicken anE the lettuce

in the upper half, trim the crusts, cut it in three

parts and put a slice of pickle on the top .

IRIS : Okey ., .( ALLItA) QM Club Sa c or gFy grchitect,

JACK : Hmh,, et about you, Bob?

BOB : Well Jack .~I don'tknow, I'm not too hungry right now. .butd,the~n agein, .Oh, Miss -- IRIS : Yeah? BOB : Is it all right if I take something out? IPIS : Are you kiddin', I'll go get my hat and cost .

JACK: He didn't mean that : Look, Bob, while you're deciding

on what you went, I'm going over to the d rug counter to get some razor blades .

prxo 1 0o 2 oo 85 1 BCB : Okay, Jack . (SOUfID: FOOT8TSPS . . .FALE) BOB : Well, let me see . . .maybe I should eet something here . . . then I . so hungry : (FADIIiG IN)~Bello, Bob . . MAItY

B® : Well, Mary, sit down . . MARY :I thought Jack was here . .

BOB: F.e is, he Went over to the drug counter to buy emm .

razor blades . MARY : (LAU3B5) BOB : Whet are you laughing at, Mary?

MARY : Jack is the only man I know who has a single edge razor end buys double edge blades .

BOB : What does he do that for? AfARY':~~ He cuts them~ 17e1f . .

H~ : b~ I , What a guy~~ I heerd that Jack is the only man in the

world who gets his dental floss retreaded .r

MAAY : Jack does have his peculiarities, but he ]g sweet, end he

tries so hard . I'll never forget the fir@t time I vent out crith him. When he called for rre, I opened the door, and there he stood with the biggeet orchid I ever sav .

arxot, 0020086 BCB : An orchid, eh? . MAH4 : It was so beautiful I made him buy me one, too . 'Ch, don't tell him I told you . DON : ~ (FADING IN) (WORRISD) Mary -- Bob -- where's Jack?

MAN'I :Oh~ Hello, Don : ~ly Donzy. B(R . DON : Where'a Jack? The 3portamen Quartet end I are looking for him.

BOB : Oh, he's here, he just etepped over there to buy some ~p rosor blades MARY :U~", Aere he comes nev . _.,,p JACK: (^ADIfO IN) We11 .A, e~cver~rybody's here . DON : (DND) Jack, the Sportamen end I have been weiting for you at the studio.,you knew they had a reaording date . JACK : Oh, yes, I forgot . Don, I know they're in a hurry, so let's go beck to the studio and I'll hear the consaercial before they go.

DON: But, Jack, they haven't got the time, they haven't eaten yet, and thoy're hungry . IRIS : 'xmetll you have, boys? . JACK: But Don, I've got to hear the comnerciel . IRIS : Boys, I haven't got all day. DON : Okay, fellows, let Jack heer the cou¢rerciel . JACK : Don, not in here . .a drug store .

IRIS : Fellows, vrhat'11 you heve? ~

AT 90 1 0 020087 -5- (INtRO) QUART : BA BA BACHI ME BAMBINO BABABOBO BOCU PICCOLINO .

WfEN-A YOU KISS ME . . A-I'M-A KISS-A YOU IRIS : BOytl, vhat'S1 you

TRA LA LA I4 LA LA LA LU have2 BA BA BACHI ME~A BA, BO BO

JLST SAY $ I THCsN MAYBE

IF YOU SQUEEZE ME I I M-A SQUEEZE-A YOU 7RA L4 LA LA IA LAI.A LA LU IRIS : Look . fP17.c^s . . ''m WOULD LIKR TO MEE'1' THE GUYS THAT 41NOTE THIS SIhLY SONG IAIS : Boye . . WOSIIxR IF THEY REALIZE TNAT BOCHA ME A BOOHA YOU TS IRIVING P.GOPLE CRAZY. MIPG TOY, HOPAIpNG IRIS : Give ag your

A CHOP-A SUEY oxder. .I haven't 3LLWG ME got all day .

NODD7a SOUP AND E 3G-A FURY YOU CAN SING MOST ANY WORL6 YOU LIKE 3Ut DON'T FORGET TO END

WITH LUCKY STRI[4:'. . IRIS : Fellowe, I . ?5, IS, LS, IS, M F T, GEE,C;(x.t-k hevan't got all LUCKY STRI[~'S THS CIGARBT`f~GOFOA ME . dap. .

(MOHE)

IIa

RT6S01- .-0020088 -6- rARP'D)~ TT AA4 A BETTPR TASTE, IT'5 TRUE AND IT'S THE ONLY CIGARwTTE FOR YOU AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU . IRIS : Hey fellows, SO PUFF PUPF PUFF PUFF PUFF A LUCRYAPIDAhet do you vent?

W5 %NOrI YOU'LL SAY HEY, HEY, SAY, LUCKY STRINE IS SSAtE OIS .

I'M GONNA BUY A CARTON RIGHT AWAY.

I'IJ. BOCHA ME A LUCKY STRIKE TODAY

WE WILL LIGHI' A LUCRY IRIS : Boye, I have

A LUCKY other people to 1 BACHA ME A LUCRY wait on . . . Look,

FROM WAY DOiiN IN EENTUORY fellows . . . L9, MF, IS, ~'', ._. .W. Weit a minute it a

ss, NFF , nff fT m3nua - BA BA BA BA BACHA AMIA, AMIA-- , mtII u Ce• lIdTT A

t9m •

(APPLAiSPs)

Rrxo 1 00200 e 9 (ssoorm RovrINB) (SOUND : LIGH'1' STREET NOISFS AND FOOTSTEPS)

JACK : I hated to sneak out-like that end leave Bob and Mary

in the drugstore, but when that dame started screaming,

it was embarrassing . . Well, I might as well .go in the

studio end rehearse .

(SOUND : MORE FOOTSTEPS UP STF33 . .DOOR OPENS)

RUBIN : He11o, Mr . Benny . .

JACK: ~.A , Hello, Harry, any fan mail? RUBIN: . Yes, Mr . Benny, YOU GOT IiIGHT THOUSAND LE1R'&RS . JACK: Harry, I'om elone . RUBIN : Oh. . .nothina, JACK : Nmna . (SOUND: FOOTBT'HP3) JACK: (HUMS ONE STFAIN OFBACOHI

: (IN CL(.14ID PHONE BOOTH, OFF)iME) DENNIS Ae(NDJ-"'THAT ISN'T ALL I'M MAD

ABOUT'. I'VE GOT PIBNTY 0_SAY TO YOU . n~ JACK: Hm, therets Dennie/ W that phone booth .

DENNIS : YES , PLENTY, .I'VE TAM ALL THE OUFF OUT OF YOU I'M

GONNA TAKE!

JACK: (Hey, that kids really mad .)

DENNIS : OH, NO, Y0U LISTFdV TO ME . .I'VE LISTENEID TO YOU LOIVG

ENOUGH. AS FAR AS I'M CONCSNNED, YOU'RE NOT}IING BUT A

LOW, UNIDsRBAN9ID DOUBLE-DF1tLING CONNIVEft .

JACK: (Wow!) . . .

Rr 9 o 1 o0 2 oo 9 o -8-

DENNIS : GH, I KNIXJ, YOU PUP IT OVER ON ME. . .BUf I'M GGN714 SSE

TO IT !R! YOU DGN'T TA1 E ADVANTAGS OF ANYBGAYB[.gE. . .

YOU HFARD ME,, . ig' SHPI' UP : .

(SGUPID : RFiIEIVER SIAMME9 D(AJN . .SISDING BDOTH

DOOR OPENS)

JACK: ('.dITH NEW RI9PECT) Dennis : DHiNIS : Gh, hello, Mr . Benny . Excuse me e minute .

(SOUND: 'IWG STEP$ . .DIME BEING DROPPED INTG PHGNE . . .

ONE DIAL. .INNEH OLICK) .

DENNIS : Operator, Mr . Benny is standing right here, you must heve given me the wrong number

: Dennis, hong up that receiver. JACK and come out of that booth! DENNIS: Yes, eir .

(SOUND : REOEIVEN DGWN)

JACK: Dennie, any time you have something to say to me, I want you to say it to my face, not on the phone . . .And anyway, I don't know vhet you're complaining about . I've treated

you ve1l ., .I've looked out for your interests . .I've guided you . . . .I've helped you . . .I've given you advioe . . .Why, I've even tried to be a father to you .

DENNIS: Only on Father's Dsy : What? .JACK

DENNIS ; What you'll do for a lousy tie .. JACK: Never mind . Now, Dennis, when we get in the studio, I went you to run over your song first .

M4RY ; (FADING IN) Gh, Jack . . Jack: . i JACK: Yeah? M4RY; Jack, I've got to tell you the most wonderful thing . . BA

ATif01 ., .0020.097 .e -9-

BOB: (MODFBTLY) Oh, Msry. . M4RY : A:ow, Bob, don't be eomodest . JACK: Wtmt is it, Mary?

M4RY: Jack, look at that saok of fan mail he got . JACK: I see it, I see it . BOB: I even got a letter from your sister in Chicago .

JACK: M. Come on, let's get in the studio . (SOtkID : FOOTSTEFS . .DOOR OPENS)

(SOUfID:OF BAND TUNING UP) \- CS

JACK: Okey, fellovs, quiet~.,d{opWWn\,e're going to start rehearsal .

Dennis, have you got Ma music to -V r! - Dennis, vhere are I you going? DENNIS: Bsck to the phone booth, . JACK: Why? DWRIS: lSee if I can get another wrong number, I'm in a fightin' mood . JACK:Ncv, cut that out, and let me hear yar -- 3¢uu . . That . clock on the wall. .ie that the right time? iMARY : Yes, it's one-thirty . . .vhy? . JACK'~'~"~p for heaven sakes, .I thought I'd have time to finish rehearsal before I go to ny doctor's office :

MARY;~~~10 What do you have to .go to your doctor's fpr?_ JACKN"~tlI had a cheok-up a fecr days ago and everything is fine, but I want to see my X-ray pictures andthe-doctor wants to give me a couple of vitamin shots . It'll only take

a little while . .

BA ..

»rxo 1 o0 2 oo9 2 -10-

MAR'I; You vant me to drive you over?

JACK iJEW, Rochester has the cer in the parking lot, so he'll drive me dovn . tMFK:~,p Okay . I'11~~,Mgol yvith you .

JAQC:~M, Thanksd,MDenni~, you rehearse your song, We'll be back soon . (APPIAUSE) .

(D&PRdI8'S SONG -- "HEY, BROTM , POUR THE WINE") (APPIAUSE)

HrYS 01 00 2 0093 (TtIIRD ROVfINE)

(SOUND : STREET NOISES . .CAR GOING ALONG . .AVPO HORN) ROCH : ARE YOU AND MISS LiVINGSTONE COMBORTABLE BACKTHERR, BOSS?

JACK: Yes, thank you . .But Rochester, this back Best seems to be higher then usual and we keep sliding forvard . .Why is that? ROCH: WELL, I PiJP SOME BIG TRUCK TIRES ON THE REAR Wma .4 AND SM1LL TIRE4 OP THE FRONT WHIEE[3 : What's that for?' . JACK

ROCH: TO ENCOURAGE THE MOTOR . IT THINl45 WE'RE COASTING DOWN BILL. JACK: Well, that's the silliest thing I ever heard . You're always trying to fool the motor : WIIY, BOSS, IAST 67INTE)2 YOU WERE THE. ROCH ONE WHO pUt ON FISH-TAIL FENDERS SO PEOPLE WOULD THINK YOUHAD A

CADILLAC .

M4RY : Jack, did you really put on fish-tail fenders?

JACK: Yeah

: Did it fool anybody? ROCR . - - M4RY

: NO PEO?LE, ONLY FISH .

JACK: Oh, stop meking things up ., . .And hurry, I want ~too get to the doctor's office . . .Rochester, slow down, 'p!L light on the corner is turning red . ROCH: DON'T WCRRY, BY THE TIME WE RFACH IT, IT'LL BE GREEN AGAIN . JACK: Nw. . .Anyvay, we turn here for my doctor's office, ROCH: YFS, SIR .

- (SOUND : CAR TURNS) BA

Ri3S09 0020094 -12-

JACK: You know, Mary, I've beenpt.hinking . .It seeme that every time I go to a doctor orthospital for a aheokiup on"'~

examination, you're always with me . . .Gee, itts awfully nice of you . - t's not a matter of being nice, Jack . . .I have to be with

you when you go for medical examinations in ease you need me .

JACK: Need you? .

M4RY; Yes . .how you ever got that Transfusion Clause in my

contract, I'll never knov .

JACK: My agent thinks of everything . . .Anyway, this time I'm only going to get a vitamin shot . (SOUfID : CAR COMLAG TO STOP) . ROCH; HERE YOU AP.E, MR . BIIVNY : Thank you, Rochester . . .Watch. JACK your step, :darg .

(SOUND : NOISFS QF GEM'IHG 081' OF CAR)

ROCH; MR . BIIdNY, WHILE YOU'RE IN M- DCCTOR'S OFFICE, I'LL

GO TO THE A21RKEf A'M DO THE SHOPPING .

fine, JACK: -101, Fine, ROCH: I h'f.D DE 0UT THE IIST AND THE GROCERIE9 -0SOUNT TO SSVFiri'rTE@I DOLTARS . JACK: Seventeen dollers . . .Hamm . . .here you are . ROCH: AND A DOIdAR AbW A HALF FOR A HAIRCUT . .

JACK: A dollar and a helf O4 -- wait a minute, Rochester . . .I'm not supposed to pay for your haircuts . .

ROCH: THISf O'NE' S FOR YOU, I GOT IT IN THE GLOVE COi~ffARTMENT .

JACK : ~~. .Well, I'll take cere of it myself tomorrow . . .I want to get a shine at the same time , 1677> • BA

Ar 901 0020095 1

ROCH: I CAN GEf THAT FOR YOU, TOO. I'M WFARING YOWtSNOES .

JACK : Never mind, I'll do it myself . . .Come on, Mary .

(TRANSITION MUSIC) .

(SOUND : DOOR OPRNS) BEYs : ,,~ Yes?

JACK;~1 Nurse, I have an appolntment with Dr . Stevens . BEA : Yes sir . .,In just a few minutes . . . .but first I'11 have to have some informetion about you .

JACK:AI~,They have it at the hospital . They took it when I vent

in for M y check-up . . BFp: ~,n Well, we need this for the office .

JACK:~ , Oh . . . . . vell, my name is -- BEA : Just a second, eir . I0 have to write thisdown . . .I went to get a pencil . .there . . .Now . . .your name? JACK : Jack Benny : Occupation?. BFA JACK: Radio comedien .

BEA : Are you currently employed?

JACK:- Yes, yes,I am . BEA : How tall are you? , JACK : Five-eleven .

BEA : Your weight?

JACK : One sixty-five .

BFp : Your age? . JACK: Thirty-nine : Thirty-nine . BFA .,.NOw Mr . Benny, have you ever---

JACK : Just a minute, Nurse . . .I heppen,ed to notice on your desk you have another chart and the age is also aisrked

, thirty-nine . B0.

Rr 8 o 1 oo2 oo 96 1?, -14-

BFA : Yes . JACK: Who's chart is that? BFA : Grandma Moses . JACK: Oh. BFA: . Nov, Grandpa--I mean, Mr. Benny . .vhere vere we? JACK: Look, Nurse, I haven't got much time . .I vant to see Dr . Stevens . . .

BFA: Well, he's busy nov, you'll have to vait . .eit over there

by that gentleman in the oorner .

JACK: Oh . . .1s his appolntment ahead of mine?

BFA : Oh, he's not vaiting .to see Dr . Stevens, he pas an

appointment vith ourpsychlatrist .

JACKr!~ .• .Qsychiatrist . . .he isn't violent, is be? .

B&s : Oh, far from it . . .in fact., be's very gentle, . .he thinks he's a rabbit .

JACK: (M4D) IrM. . .Come on, Very, let's sit down .

M4RY: Jack, vhat are you so mad about?

JACK: That smart alec nurse trying to kid me . . .a rebbit, . .11At

man looks just as normal as I do .

JACK: Jack, there isn't room for both of us to sit on the sofa . JACK: Yes there is, Mary . .I'll aek him to move over . .(UP) Pardon me, sir . MEL: EBM, T9K TSK TSK, WNAT'S UP, DOC?

JACKt Say . .you really do think you're a rabbit .

MEL: yeah

: Where do. JACK you live?

MEL: Oh, I have a nice little hutch in Brentvood .

flT 90 1~~~ 002009? -15-

JACK: wY. .Msry, move over . OR, leli me, Mister, did you

always think you were a rabbit? _ .

MEL: No. . .no . .up until last week I thought I was a .turkey.

JACK: Up until last week? What made you stop being a turkey?

MKL: Well, it's so close to Thanksgiving, they tuMied me down

for life insurance . JACK; Oh. MM: I wanted double indemnity . . JAOK : I see : With crenberry. MEL eeuce . JACK: Well, that's the only way to have it . . .AnyMay, maybe _ you're better off being a rabbit .

ME L; Yeah . . .Well, I can't wait any longer for that psychiatrist

. . . . TSK TSK TSK, A81PUBYE, DOC . . (SODfID : DOOR CLOSFS) JACK : Of all the silly guys . . .thinking he's a rabbit . . .some . . people --

(30UPm :,(~I,NTSH-OpFIOE BUZZfiR . .CLICK) ..

Brri: Yes, Doctor .v":'Very well, sir, I'll send in the next

patient . . .It's NII+ . Benny . . . . What? . .No,it's Benny,

Bunny just left . . . . Yes,sir .

(SOUND: CLICK) BEA : Go right in, Mr . Benny . .Dr . Nelson will see you now . JACK: Dr . Nelson? But Dr . Stevens is my doctor : Well, he's in surgery now so Dr . Nelson will. BEA take care of you . JACK ; Oh . . .where is his office? BEA ; Right down the hall .

Hrx 0 9 . 002009 e -16-

JACK: Thank you . .I'11 be right back, Msry . (SO9HD: DOOR OPFTS. .CLOSE9 . .F00TSTEPS AIANG HALL)

HFARN : HI YA, RUBE . JACK: Huh? HBARR ; Remember JACK: Oh yesLU$ou're the fellow from Calebasas . Wh¢t are you doing here? .

Im1RN :a Brought my wife to the doctor, she's gonna have a baby . JACK: A baby! Say, how manykids have you got now?

HEARR: This vill be the sixteenth .

JACK : Gosh . .sixteen kids . .What are their names? .

HFARR ; . Well, there's Albert, Hiram, Ella, Julius, Kathryn,

Jeanette, Bertram, Her mn, Blue Cross, Howard -- JACK

: Wait a minute, wait a vjr~oj . . .you . . .you nemed one of your children Blue Cross? HEARIV : Yep, sp wife's been in the hospital so much Ye S!W Ve oved them samething . .

JACK: Oh, oh, A...... Say ; with such a large family, you must have a pretty big farm .

HFARN ; Oh, one of the biggest in Celebases :'~C ~Wt do you raise there? HFARN . JACK : Albert, Hiram, Elle, Julius --

JACK : I mean besides them . .Nhat kind of crop do you grow on your ferm3,.i7.v : Well, the whole.Sa 2• ]II+ARH place is a big vineyaxd . .we grow nothing but grapes : Grapes? . JACK

RTX 0 1 0020099 -17-

IFARN : Thet's right, Rube, I press up own wine, too . . .got the

happiest feet in tovn . . . . Well, I better be getting baok

in the waiting room . . .8o long, Rube, eo long .

-Eo 0 JACK : So long . L ~

(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .SUSTAIN IN B.G . )

JACK: Some day I must ask him why he keeps callinga :e Rube . . .Oh, here's Dr . Nelson's office .

(SODND ; DOOR OPENS)

JACK: Oh Dcctor . .doctor . . . .

NIISON : YESSSSSSSS .

JACK: Doctor, I'm Jack Benny . . . .I was told to see you .

NEf.50N: Why do they always come to me at the last minute . JACK: No.Qook, I camehere to have a vitamin shot . Give it

. to m so I can go, `

NIIBON ; Yes . . .now just a minute . . .I vent to test ophypodermic to see that the needle isn't stopped up .

(SODPII) : A IpNG STFAI7i SQRIRTSD STREAM OF SIIIi'ZB&

INTO A PAN GOES ON AND ON AND ON)

NELSON : ...... Nov I'm ready for you . JACK: Wait a minute, doctor . . . . You're not going to give me a shot with that needle . .Why have you got such a big one, anyuey?

NII30N: \- 'm nearsighted and I don't vent to miss .

JACK: Now i ust a second, doctor---

FiX010020100 s< •

NELSON: Oh, stop being such .a baby . .roll up .your sleeVeti I'll give

you the shot . .it von't hurta t?it :,I promise .,

JACK: Wel] :. . .a11 . right ., ahere, u;y sleeve's up .

NELSON: Okay . . .here goes . . .there you are . JACK: Ouch! . . Ooooooooh . . .Doctor, it did hurt when yov ---- But

wait a minute . . :I do feel better already . Say, Doctor,

what vitamins did you inject me with?

NELSON : D . 0 . F . R . B .

JACK; D . 0 . F . R . B .? What's that? NEG40N ; Dad's Old F :shioned Root Beer . JACK; What? , NBfSON :I'm sorry it hurt, but the ice cream got stuck in the needle . ~ JACK: Well, that's the vqat ridiculous thin6WVe ep heard . I'11 come back tomorrow when my regular doctor is here . (APPIAUSE & ?IAYOFF)

Arx 01 00 2 0 1 0 1 -19-

(FIRB AISACATION)

DON : Friends, the epidemic .of forest fires throughout the

country points up this sobering fact . Because most areas of the country haven't had a soaking xeln for many weeks . . the fire hezard is still tremendous . Remember -

our woodlands are more than scenic playgrounde . .they're

valuable natural resources - indispensabie to our

nation's defense . So . . .be extra careful out of doors -

with fire in any fonn . Drown or crush out eVesg spark - for only you can prevent forest fires! Thank you . (APPIAUSFs)

Arxo 1 oo 2 o 1 o 2 THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY -C- ~t ^f[ S JAC% BENNY PHOQRAM #7 NovEMBE N 7, 1954 cllJSING COP2'C[tcIAL WILSON : Jack r+111 be back in just a minute, but first a

woirl to you smokers who are looking for better taste in a cigarette

SCRIH~ : If you want better taste. F(`TUMLLt from your cig-a-rette,

pERSICN)H lucky Strike is the brand to get : . IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet . . It's the toasted (CIAP . . . CAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette .

(OPTIONAL They take fi ne tobacco, it's li&ht tobacco, it's SHORT Vn'HSION ' IF ffiSIHc) mild tobacco, too .

Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASTBD, . because the toasting brings the flavor right through . So, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette, Iuckv Strike is the brand to get :

IT'S TOASTED to give you the beat taste yet,

It's the toasted (CLAP . . . CIAP, CIAP) cig-a-rette :

WIIBON : Friends, if you read the comics, I guass you know all about "13ttie Iodine ." The fallow who draws

"Little Iodine" is the famous cartoohist Jimmy

- Hatlo . He's got another comic strip too, called

"h'hey'll Do It Every Time ." Well, J]mmy Hatlo's

cigarette is Lucky Strike . Jimmy says, "Yep, I'll do it every time - light up a Iucky because they taste better ."

(MORB)

BA V

RTX01 -0020703 THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY -D- THg JACK BENNY PROGPAM #7 NOVamffiSR 7 1 54 CLOSING CIAL (CONT'D)

NILSON : Friends, many millions of peopie smoke Iuckies because (CONT'D) they've found that luckies taste better to0 . A Iucky tastes better because "It's Toasted to Taste Better ." Of course, Luckies' better taste bealns vith fine tobacco - fine, light, naturally mild tobacco . And

then, that fine tobacco is toasted . "IT'S TOASTED" - the famous Lucky Strike process - bringsLuckies'

naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco to its peak of

flavor - toness it up to make it taste even better .

Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Yes, that's Why Jimmy Hatio and mllllona .of other smokers'11 do'it every time ------light up a Lucky . Why don't you light

up a Licky too? Remember : "It's Toasted to Taste Better ."

HTD(Q1., 0020704 -20-

(TAG) (SCOND: CAR GOING) JACK : Did you get a11 your shopping done, Rocheater? ROCH : RE9, BOSS . .HOW DID YOU MAKE CUT AT THE DOCTOR-S? JACK : Oh, fine, fine . Rochester, maybe on the Nay home we should -- IAOK OUT : SCR$gCH: (SOUND CF BRAKES .)

JACK :i¢J!, Gee, fallow, I'm sorry we ran into you . Are you hurt?

MEL : No, but you knocked the carrot out of my hand .

JACK :c~~n What?

MRL :c""^,SO long, Doc .

JACK : Goodnight, folks .

(APPIAUSS & MUSIC)

DON : The Jack Benny Program is written by Sam Perrin, Milt

Joaefsberg, George Halzer, John Tackabarry, Hal

Goldman, Al Gordon, and transcribed by .Hiiliard Marks .

The Jack Benny Program is brought to you .by Lucky Strike - product of the American Tobacco Carpany -

America ' s leading manufacturer of cigarettes .

RTif0.7 0020105 90lOZOO 60H1H

d s

M3302ID siOI NIBnH xNNflH oNVIH Inu S3LNdnb NVNS IlIOds N09'IIN N00 xssoao soa xdII siNNBI 21MLS81f00ii NQLS~'.NIAIR xEitlW xNNaa a0dr : zsdo

(h56t `6i *4 des - B e iSSo suaay) .19 w, s 0 t :r.iaS~c"7U: wvxs~a ~dr

Mxss n

SdINgJS~ Q~SIABy"N (5# WN'fl'r) 1 -A- TRE A=AN TOBACCO COMPANY "THE JAOIC~BBNNY PROORAM" 7 :00 - 7 :30 PM .SST M-h gONaqY OPfSNIIAi COMMERCIAL (old set 5)

WILSON: TNg JACK BENNY PROGRAM . . . transetibed end

presented by Luclqr Strike -- the cigarette

that's toasted to teste better :

(TRANSCRIBc.~D: "If you uent better taste from your cig-e-rette, COLLINS AIra FULL CALYPSO Lu~ Strike Ss the brand to getf .

VE2SION OF SOM--37 uC .) IT'S TOASTBD to give you the best teste yet,

It's the toested, (CTd+P . . . CLAP, CL4P],

cig-e-rette .

They take fine tobacco, it's light tobacco,

it's mild tobacco, too Then IT'S TOASTBD, yes, IT'S TOAT,i .D,

because the toasting brings the flavor right through,

So, to get better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get : IT'S TOATED to give you the best taste yst, It's the toasted (CLAP . . . CLAP, CL1P) cig-e-rette :"

(MORg)

RT 801 . 0020107 THE 5C% BENNY PROGRAM -B- SET #

OPENIrA C0Mb1gRCIAL (CONT'D) l/ILSON : This is Don Wilson, friends . That version of

the Lucky Strike .song Dorothy Collins just

seng mey be different in tempo, but the story

is still the same . A Lacky testes better

because . . . IT'S TOASTED to taste better .

You see, better taste starts with fine, mild,

good-tasting tobacco . LS/MPT -- Lacky Strike

meens fine tobaoco : And then, that tobacco is toasted

. IT'S TOASTED is the famous Lucky

Strike process that brings Luckies fine tobacco

to its peak of flavor . . . tones up this

natur211y good-testing tobacco to make It

taste even better . . . Cleaner, frasher, smoother .

So friends, rem9mber that next tirrz you buy

cigarettes . And Be Happy -- Go Lueky :

Rrxo l oo 2 o 1 oe -1- e FIAST ROUTINE (AFTER COPYMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) . DON : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAFI, STARRING JACK BENNY: . .WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, ~ AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPIXI.SE . . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : LADIES AND GENTLRKEN, TONIGHT JACK BEM P DOES ANOTHER T .V .

SHOW BUT MEANWHILE WE NAVE A RADIO PROGRAM T0 DO . AND IN

PRESENTING THE STAR OF OUR SIDW, IT IS WITH IUiBPEST RESPECT

THAT I GIVE YOU THE DFAN OF AMERICAN COMEDY . .

JACK : (PLEASED) Well!

DON : A MAN WHO, LIKE THE TIDE, K6EPS ROI.LING AIANu MONTH AFTER

MONTH, YEAR IN AND YEAR OUT . . .WHO, DESPITE TIDi'WE4RINu OF THE

FT DENTS AND THE RAVAGES OF TIME . . . . JACK: Don, I-m fit as a fiddle .

DON : 'WHO, LIKE AN ANTIQUATID STRADIVARIOUS . . . ONLY OAINS IN QUALITY

THFiOLCH THE CENTURIES .

JACK : lPNOIN 6. . .Don, I'm young at heart . lal:o DON : AND IW , ALTHOLCH FAILING IN MEINORY . . .MANAG$S TO FIND HIS WAY

TT. RE EVERY WEBK. . .AND HERE HE IS, JACK BENNY . -

(APPLAUSE)

JACK : Thank you, thank you, thank you . . .Hello again, this is Methuselah Benny telking . . .And Don, what got into you? After

an introduction like that, the people Won't know whether to

expect 3okes or organ music . . .So watch it from now eon DON : Well Jack, you have been around for quite a Vnile . .

RT 80 . 1 0020109 . -2-

JACK: 1ka_t's true, but it so happens vhen I started in radio in I ves still in my teens .

DON : What are you talking about? I knew you then and .you had gray hair . JACK: I was born with gray ha1r . ...I was vorpied about .the doctor bi11 . . .And, Don, here's en amazing coinoidence . . .if you reed it in a story, you wouldn't believe it . . .after all these years ~ vho do you think is sitting Jn the audience thiti very moment?

DON : The doctor? JACK: No, his lawyer . . .the case comes up .in court Wedfiesday . . .Anyvay Don, we've got a show to do, so i ...r.sMwr. . .fYrom now on, forget about my age . . .I feel fine, I've got lote of pep and I have all my faculties -- oh, hello, Mery . . BCB : I'r Bob

; Huh? Oh,. JACK Bob . . .BOb Crosby . . .Gee, what made me think you were Mary?

B CB : I don't know, you've got your glasses on. . .both pair .

JACK: i UO.. Now Bob, don't you start in, tpo .__ ~ h N BCB : I was only{ -k~i,d4d~~ /. ., ~ MUlf}alr61V'~, .pZ~mee'n4Uto ask you at rehearsel;\d~ o youchave a ticket for next week'ebroadcast? JACK: For aext Sunday?

BOB : l~i,' it's not for ve . . .it.}'.s~,for my brother Bing . JACK : Oh, 3Sx¢z wants to come toy~ show? B~ a~,ep NoAIL' .d•~just like to give him a ticket . JACK : 'Why? BCBW~It's his birthday and h~e\t~e~g~ot ge~vergthi-ng else . JACK : Mi. . .So .Bing's going toFreve,i a . ow . ~-a~si~TEF"id~y~lhz~o d is itV ~~ . BCB : Well, lest year he was thirty-nine, so this year he must be forty. ~ l. JACK : Why?ls~be-en eager beaver or something?? . . .Anyway Bob, wish him a Happy Birthday . .

RT 9 09 .0020170 -3- BOB: Oka ~~ DN3VNIS :~ sn't anybody oing to say hello to me? JACK :J%~b~ennnis! When did you come in? DIIi[iIS ai've been here all the time . . .I vas standing behind Don Wilson's right leg : Oh, oh . . .Well, kid,. JACK what did you want last night? Rochester

tolq me you called the houae when I vas out .

DENNIS : Yeah, I tried to get you two or three times . I vanted to tell you about that raffle ticket I bought last month . JACK : Raffle?

DF2RVIS : Yeah . . . remember, you tried to talk me out of Sx .-You said it sounded like a phony deal . JACK : Well, it did

: You and your . DENNIS advice . Boy, am I glad I didn't listen to you .

They held the drawing last night and I won first .prize .

JACK: First prize . . .no ng,Denniskiddi. . .vhat is ~l youget4DFNNIS ~ : Four glorious weeks at the North Pole . JACK : What?

DENNIS : And all the blubber I can eat . JACK : Dennis . . . ' DPNNIS : And my igloo painted inside and out .

JACK: . .•Dennis, who goes to the iiorth Pole?

You'll be all alone there .

RTH01,. 0020111 -4-

DENNIS : Not if I can find last yeagr~.'s vi,`(~ ner . .~."".. . JACK : 'A` Dsnnis, look et look me in the eye . DET]NIS : Yes, air . JACK : Now tell me .• .how could you possibly fall for a thing like this? DINNIS, at ~do you mean? JACK : Well, this whole raffle is obviously a fraud . You might just

as well have come in here and told me you won the Is Brea Tar

Pits .

DENNISiIMIet was second prize .

JACK: Dennis . . . Dennis . . . DENNIS : Cen I stop looking at you now? JACK: Yes•, Ai you can stop talking to me, too . I don't know, Dennis, you've got a brain there somewhere, why don't you try using it for a change?

DENNIS : Oh, I suppose it doesn't take brains to sing a song? JACK: Not necessarily . . .Crickets can sing, end they doq't have any ~q bra'ns . DCN :~-M~Pardor. ae, Jack . Crickets don't exactly sing . . .Their song comes from rubbing their hind legs together . . JACK : Ch . ~-e , DENNIS~I~I'll have to try that some time! ehU~- JACK : Do,vennis . .•and let me know how it comes out . .l~Meamrhile,

let's have your song in the old fashioned way .

DENNIS : Okay .

(SCUND : PHCNE RINGS)

JACK:C4Old it a second, Dennis .

(SOUND : RECEIVER UP) LF

iiriS 0 1 . O 020 112 -5-

JACK : He1lo . . .What? . . .You've got a slight hangover aM you'll be a little late getting here for the broedcast? . . .8ut P1]],Z, you've 1oQgk, been off my show for yearsl . . .HUh?4~:df course, I'm sure . . .

Look, if you don't believe me, ask Alice . . .Ali,ce Alice ahe's

your wi_fe. . .Okeyfi~beereYul getting hot.m.e~.,p.~.4lhet? Yeah, yeah,

we're still selling plenty of Je1U .Goo~bye .

(SOUND : HEVEIVER DOWH)

JACK : That Phil. . .he's always so confused . . .Ch, well .. . .go ahead and sing, Dennis .

DENNIS : With my legs or my tonsils?

JACK : With your tonsils . . .forget that cricket . DIIVNIS : Yes, sir . (APPLAUSE)

(DENNIS'S SoVG) ("AIMOSm LIffl ; bEITY3 IN IqVE") .. (APPLWSE)

arxo 1 oo 2 o 113 -6- (SECOND ROUTINE) JACY. : That s1as Dennis Day singing "Almost Like Being In Love" . . . and Dennis, I must say it sounded a lot better than a cricket rubbing his legs together . DNNNIS : To you, but not to another cricket . JACK: Gee, I never thought of that : Bello, everybody . . MARY JACK : Oh hello, Mary : Jack, I'm sorry I'm. MARY late, but I vent to a raedding .

JACK : A s+edding? This afternoon? MARY : Yes . .one of my old girl friends at the May Compapy got married . In fact, she's vorked there in the gift department for thirty years : Hom nice . .and nov. JACK she got marriedK.0.2, MARY : Yeah . .tiut Jack, the funniest thing happened . JACK : What? MARY : When the groom handed her the ring, she vrappedit up .

JACK : No! - MARY

: Yech . .the n vhen he carried her across the threshold, she , aaid, "Thank you,caLl again" ..t ~ 2.U ~i ~3U-d y . "~'lS~, -JACX :'`LVrell, hoe do you Ilke that . .You lmow, Mary -- (SCUUND) : TWO BOARDS ROBBffi7 TOGII'HFR) MARY : What's tl'..t? JACK : What? (SJDND : 1W0 BCARDS RUBBFD TOGEPHFR)

MARY : That . JACK : Oh, that's Dennis in the corner . He's trying to sing like a cricket . MARY : What? GH

6 rxo 1 oo 2 o>> 4 -7-

JACK : It's a long story, you wouldn't understand . .And if you did understand it, you wouldn't like it . . . .And if you did like St, I wouldn't like you

: All right, all right ., .say,. MARY Don, I saw you and your wife at the Coconut Grove Thursday nlght, W`as phat your anniversary?

DON : Yes, Mary .~.so I thought 1 i A~ beTUi\c7eufo-r the little

woman and ! to celebrate withl& er and a show ; NAHY : Well, you cert$:ly made a lovely couple . .And Don, you were simply beaming I've never seen you look happier .

DON : (DIZPAIILY) Yeah . . . .that steak was four inohes .thlck . . . Eut I'm glad you reminded me, Mary, because I wanted to thank all of you for the gifts you sent us . JACK : (I was wondering ahen he'd get around to that .) . DON : Mary, that Lazy Susan you sent made a big hit with the little wom=_n . MARY : I'm E1ad she liked it, Don

: And Bob and Dennis, that jWover. DON Vacuum Cleaner is just what we needed . JACK : How'd you like my present, Don? DGN : Ch, it was beautiful, Jack . .I haven't seen any of those in a long time .

JACK : Well, it was no easy job getting it, I had to shop all over .

BOB : What did he give you, Don?

DON : A lovely bowl of wax fruit

: Yes, Sir . . JACK MARY : I never saw anybody like you, Jack . .You always give the oldest, corniest presents .

JACK : Is that so? GH

ATHO1,0020115 -8-

ttiRY : Last year on my birtkday, you sent me a bustle

.CKc But it was fu11 of chacolates, don't forget that.JF . . .ANs

~pupposed to be a novelty . I spent a dollar and a half a

pound for that bustle and she's complaining

: Well, what good is candy after you sit on it?. MARY JACK: You veren't supposed to sit on it . .It's your fault . MARY : Nard centers yet . . JACK : Nov Mary, forget it . . .Anyway, Don liked the gift I sent him . Re said it was lovely : w5ure was, Jack . .But. DON i meant to tell you something about that bowl of fruit . .one of the bananas doesn't light up . JACK : It doesn't? DON : No .

JACIf-r i That's funny . .it looked like such a good bunch .

BOB '-ALI ,Don, you have so many friends, you must've gotten quite a hau I ~Sqaw.A 2 : Yes, and say, kids,. DON we haven't put the gifts away yet . Why

on'`yo-G`~_1 come~out to~the house aM tak~e avlook at 'em7 ~L JA~CK1~~o~~yri~ii tf:A61~ be an i~mp 'sition . .fiSe o us

barging :n on your wife without any notice or anything .

DON :t -k, It's no imposition at all . Lois would love to have you .

JACK: But Don ;k 3~on't you think you ought to- call-your .rlfe up

and let her know rwe're coming? . . . . You Imow, barging in like

this with a xhole gang of people-

DON : fl o,No, Jejk, the little woman won't m3nd . .8he's a-.peach! \ k. 5.....r JP4. .- -, Wel., a11 right :l. .Come on, everyone, let's go :

~ .~ (SOUND : PHONE RINGS) JACK:Vh,Wait a minute (SOUND .: " RADFIVH2 UP) CH

flT 9 01,0020 1 16 JACK : Hello .

ROCH : RBI.IlJ, MR . BENNY, THIS IS ROCHESTER . JACK : Rochester, I haven't gottime to telk to you noV, . .we're on our way to the valley. : WEIJ,, I JUST WANtED TO DISCUSS MY DUPIFS FOR TOQV+Y. ROCH .

JACK : What duties? All I asked you to do was clean the attic . ROCH : THt1T'S WHAT I WANPSD TO DISCUSS, .,I'M UP TR&ftS NOd AND I

DON'T THINK I'M OOINO TO LIlKE 1T . JACK: Why not? -

ROCH ; YOU SHOULD SEE THE ATTIC, TT'S FULL OF C(BWEBS, 'LAYnRiS OF

DUST, BIG BLACK SPIDER3 AND LGLY BATS HANUINOFROM THE CEILIPXI .

JACK : Well, what else did you expect to find? AOCH : TIH•: COUNT OF MONTFs CRISTO : Oh, it's not that bed, . .now. JACK get to work .

ROCH : BUf BOSS, THIS ATTIC IS IAATEA W1TH MICE . .

JACK : So whet? A little mouse couldn't hurt you .

ROCH : LITTIE : ONE OF TH6T!'S OOT A SADDIE ON IT . JACK : Now, Rochester, it's no use complaining . You're going to have to clean up that attic sooner or later so get rid of everything I don't need . ~~Q ~ ROCH : OKAY . . .I'LL THROW OUT THTSI:IRONK JOS OF MAGAZIN{SS,, . JACK : Yeah. ROCH : APID THIS OLD PHONOGRAPH . JACK: Oood, 41hb'd. . .

Hi 9 01 0020117 ROCH : NOiJ WHAT ABOUf THIB OLD SPINNIIA WHEEL? JACK : We11 . . .I don't think we'11 be needing it

: OKAY, J& I'IS, ALSO OET RID OF THIS TUS.F.DO. ROCH OF YOURS .

JACK ; Wa1t a minute, Rochester . . .I paid a lot of money for that tuxedo. ROCN : YEAH, BUT THAT WAS THIRT? YEARS AGO . JACK: What's the difference? Can't I wear it again?

ROCH : ONLY IF WE KzEP THE SPIIrNIIVG WIEEL .

JACK : Dh. . .We11, all right, you can throw the tuxedo out, too . . .but

make sure I didn't leave any money in the pockets . ROCH : OH BOSS, C01u NUr7 : JACK : SUM. . .Wel2 look, Rochester, I've got to get going so just use your fudgemer.t . ROCH : YES, SIR . . .OH-OH . JACK : What's the matter?

ROC}I : BOSS, WE NfST'VE HAD PRUNLFI7S . JACK : Why? .

ROC}i : WELL, SOr,~ETHL90 YOU K6PT UP HQtS FOR YEARS IS MISSING. JACK : What's missing?

ROCH : THAT OLD BOWL OF FRUIT WITH Tifl ; BANANAS THAT LI6fPP UP .

JACK : Well, don't worry . . .I'm sure it'11 turn up somewhere . . .So

long, Rochester .

Rr 9 0 1 0 0 2 0 11 e RooN : GoooooooDS Y9 . (saoND: RF M rvER DGwN)

JACK: . That Rochester hasto call about every little thing.

BOB ~Come on, Jack, we're keeping Don waiting . : ~N DON: ~~~~ Yeah, while you were on the phone, I got a ceb ; .but whet apout the show? .JACK31ty~That's swell DON: Y The Sportsm;n can take over . The 've got a wonderful um r. . 0~reat arrengemsnt of.~"F~ight . Of The Bumble Bee ." ' (1~Ct+h CAa "LA4Sf~EIh?U~ qw- .-,k . ---JCK6~:

DON: Y dW one of them whistles the lead all the way through it . ' Qitf-'li.xwA _ urPr'v~e- ~--~J1CCK'0 xiaai~jeiY=I€t . them cerrg_on_

DON : GO AHEAD, FGT._.,IAWS . . . . . Coce on, JACK: Don, I still think you ought to call up the little woman

__~~ t~q tell YEr we're coming . LI6 D-va~ , BGB : Don't worry, Jaek. .Don knows what he's doing . .

JACK: All right, all right . .let's go .

DON : Go aheed, ='eilows . ."The Flight Of The Bumble Bee ."

+Zi' Rrx011 0 0 2 0 >> 9 _I]A_

(FLIGRT) QUART : BU7.Z BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ TOOM TOOM TOOM TOOM TOOM TOOM TOOM TOOM TObM TOOM TOOM TOOM TOOM LS LSMFT, IS LSMET

HAPPY . v.1~P~T1~..4R. . PUFF

DEDDLEEP~FDEETPU~D"EDDLLB DEEP DOOW D00 DOOT

DOO DOOT D00DOOT SMOKE LUCKY STRIAE ~

IS LSMFT 23 LffigT

FOR BETTER TASTE SMOAE LUCKY STRIKE YES SIRE"'n, YOU'LL AGREE AND YOU WILL SEE WHY WS HAVE BOASTED IT'S TOASTED

A LUCKY SiRIEE TASTES BETTER

AND IT'S C?EAIG ;R, YOU BET

A FINE CIGARETTE, TiU; BEST SMOEE YET THE SMOISE TO GET

THE SMOKE wE ENDORSE IS LUC

KM S, OF COURSE

FOR DEEP DOWN SMOKING SATISFACTION

YOU WIIZ LIKE LUCKY STRIKE, YES

SMOKE LUCKY STRIKE .

(APFL4USE)

8 AT 01 0020120 1 -12- (THIRD RCUTINE) (SOUND : CAB MOTOR) . JACK: Don, I'm still worried . .are you sure your wife uon't mind our barging in?

DON : Oh, s,h~e'D11 be dellghted to have you . .

DENNIS : Am I~heavy on your lap,'Mr . Benny?

JACK : Yeah . .Don, open the door, maybe he'll fall out .

MARY : Jack! : VW, I don't care . .I just bad my pants pressed~JACK .

DON : Well, here we are! . . .Driver, pull up at that little white

cottage there . .behind that car that j ust drove'away . RUBIN : Okay . (SOUND : CAB MOTOR STOPS. .BRAKGS)

DON : Well . .this is it, fellows .

(SOUND : CAB DOOR OPENS)

DON : How much is that, Driver?

R~IN : Two dollarsre .and thirty-five cents .....«-+ . . ~y,n~ -~twv DO t~~~ ~Here ycu a . BOB :'M1.w~Wait a,@inute, Don, this is on me . DENNIS : Oh no,~7`) vant to pay it : Gee, you've certainly got. JACK a cute house, Don . Plli11BW . HOB :'0 Nothing doing, Dennis, I want tcb pay the fare . - . DENNIS : Oh, Bob, let me pay it .

BOB : Next time,3 Dennis, this is ~ treat . w !~~3Jh . : DENNIS : ~./LL insist on navine .

JACK : tr., Rose bushes around the,door and everytbitig . . . .

1_~_ ~(L( It's beautiful . - . a a MARY : OH JACK, PAY FOR THE CAB AND LET'S GO IN

: Pay for it? I'm not even in the argument. JACK ...... Oh, all right . . How much did you say that was, Driver? Ii7

ar 901 . 00201 21 -13-

. RUBIN : Two thirty-fiv_~y~Z

~.~JA : . . . . ere'~fifty• .keep the change .

RUBIN : Oh goody,i~ send my son to Old Heidelberg .

, (SOUND : CAB DRIVES OFF) r, !i JACK : Wise uy . . . .Well . .let'sgo in, Don~.JA+•~':~• DON : Er sit a minute JACK : Huh?

DON : You know, Jack, I,,, I was just thinking . JACK: What? DON : Maybe I should have called up my wife first . JACK : Don-- DON : Well, with five people barging in unexpectedly, it might ~~~upset her

JACKA_t1'1}HAT'S WHAT I TOLD YOU AT THG STUDIO . . .I TOLD YOU TO CALL UP YOb7i W1T~'E . . BOB : Come on, Don, don't be e8raid . .let's go in : Well, it isn't that I'm afraid .•but,, . . DON

MARf : I can understand Don'e side of it . . .all of us barging in like tAis

: PAFS3IPX'i, &1H'. JACK .,INO!• .I SAID THAT AT THE STUDIO . . .s SAID DON• CALi, THE LITTIE WOMAN UP . . .CALL HBR UP, I SAID : Quiet, will you? . .I'll tell you what, fellows . .You. DON all hide Sn the rose bushes, and I'll go in and tell Loie ~th(~a~ts9opm~e of !h: gang might drop in unexpectedly•• .Tbat'll4so•ff.en the

blow . ~> ~ , JACK : What blow!A2 told you at the studio -- BOB : Come on, Jack, let's do it his way . BM

flT901 0020122 -14-

JACK : All right, all right . . .Come on, we'll get in the rose bushes (SOUNID : LITTIE RUSTLE OF LEAVES) JACK: Ouoh : These thorne . .Make lt snappy, Don .

(SOUPID : COUPIE SOOTSTEPS.,DCOR BUZZER)

JACK : !~r theT silliest thing I-ve ever heard of . - MARY : Oh, be quiet and get off my foot . (SOUND: . DOOR OPENS) DON : BELIO, SWEETHBART! .

LOIS ; WE~L~Lt, :I.ARISNO, YOU'RE NOMg FARLC, DON : ~,p Ylyh'nA0 WAS IN THAT CAR THAT JUST DROVE AWAY? JOIS .IJti, A JLtiK MAN .,I GAVE 'EM THAT IqOSy BOWL OF WAX FRUIT . JACK: Hmmm . .

DON : GE$, V M HUNORY_, DEAR. .HAVE WE GOT SOMETHINC GOOD FOR SUPPEF _ cx'S LOIS : ~, I-M SORRY, A4RLIfA} . .I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE TO DO ANY

SHOPPINu, SO I'LL JUST OPEN A CAN OF TONA FISH .

DON : OH, THAT'S SWELL, DBAREST

: DOOR CLOSES). (SOUND JACK : Hmml . .I spent Two and a half already M! I'm going to get tune fish .

WtRY : What are you worrying about, you're not even In yet .

JACK: The thing that burns M up . .IPm the guy that told him to

11 ~AASd-(nY•~ up' &IB : Not so loud, Jack . : This is silly . . .I wonder if Don's. JACK going 455r---Hey, Dennis,

stop eating those roses . DENNIS : Well, I'm hungry .

fli 80 1 . : 0020123 T%

i s-

JACK : So am I, but I'm going to wait . . .How are they? NARY : They need salt . JACK : Oh, stop . .Hey, fellows, the porch light just went on . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) DON : (WHISPERS LOUD) Past! Psst ; . . .Hey fellows, are you still there? CAN(i : Yes . DON : Well, I,1ust told Lois that I saw Bob and Mary pulling up

in a oar, so you two better come in first : What about me? . JACK DON : You weren't in the car.

JACK : Well, for Pete's sake, I could be, you made the whole thing

up . . . . . Let's all go in . DON : No, you can't do that ., .Mary and Bob come in first . BOB: Okay . . . MARY : See you later, Jack . (SOUND : FEW FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR SIAMS) JAOK: Wel:, this is the darndest mesa I ever got into .

DENNIS : Yeah . JACK : I told him at the studio five times . . .Cal1 her up, Don, cell up your wife . .But no, he has to be a wise guy . .And on top of that, it looks like it's going to rain .

DENNIS : It'll be wonderful for the roses .

JACK : Yeah, yeah . . .wonderful . . .I wouldn't mind waiting out here,

but the vorst of it is, I've got to talk to y0ul

DENNIS : What'11 we talk about? JACK : Nothing . . .Juat be quiet and eat your roses ., .It's getting chilly too!

(SOUND : RWO BOARDS RUBBED TOGETHER)

R7M 01 0020124 JACK: Dennis, stop rubbing your legs together . .

DENNIS : That's a cricket, be's singing "Three Coins In The Fountain" . JACK : Oh, for -- Dennis, why do you have to be so-- (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) JACK : Here comes Don again .

IX1N : Pstt! Psst : . .Bey Dennis, come on in . JACK : D nn s1

DON : Yeah, I told my wife I just saw him riding up on his bicyole .

JACK : We', as long as you're dreaming things up,ifiy didn't you see me on the handle hars? „Use your fat head . . DON : I'm sorry, Jack

: By the way, how's. JACK the tuna fish holding out? DON : There'11 be plenty . . .Don't worry, Jack, you're next . . . . .'n= I40K WHO'S H&RE„ DARLINC . .DENNIS DAY : (SOUND : DOOR .SIAMS) JACK

: (MOCKa7G HIM) Look who's here, Darling . .Dennis Day . .I ought to have my head examined. . . I can't get over it . If I told him once at the studio, I told him five times . .Call you^ ~aife, let's not barge in on the little vomen . .

(SOUPID : LOUD CLAP OF TfIl1NDER)

JACK : Oh, :ine . . .it's going to rain, all right . . . . I can't get

over that guy! I begged him, I pleaded with him . . .Don, I sa'-3 --

(SOUND : MORETHUNDLR)

Rrx 61 0 0 2 01 2 5 -17-

JACK : Don, I said . .don't barge in on the little woman . .Call her up, let her know we're coming --- (SOUfm : THUNDER AND RAIN STARTS . .LIGHT AT FIRST,

THEN LOUDER) JACK : I knew it, I knew it! ., . . .Well, here it comes . . .I'm going to get soaked . . .OH, THg BECK WITH WIISON . . . .IB.I'M (IOIN3 T0WALK RIGHT IN THAT }IDUSS REAUY OR NOT! HB THINKS I'M GOIN,3 TO -- .

MEL : STICK 'FM UP, BUDDY! JACK : Huh? MEL: YOU 2PcAED ME . .STICK 'EM UP . JACK: Stick 'em up? . . .Are you a burglar? MEL : I AIN'T TEE COUND OF MONTE CRISTO .

JACK: Now look, Mister -- .

MGL : COME ON, COME ON . .WHERE DO YOU CAERY YOUR DOUG11?

JACK : In my right shoe . . .But look, Mister, I was invited to a partp in this house, I'm not even supposed to be out here . MEL : GET TF4\T SHOE OFF!

JACK : . . . . .6ee, it's raining, I'll get my foot wet . . .

(SOUPID : DOOR OPENS) JACK

: Now please --

DON : (FROM A DISTANCE) HEII JACK. . .OH JACK!

JACK : I'M -- MBL: I4EEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT OR I'LL DRILL YUH!

flT901 0020126 -18-

JACK: But heI a calling me. . .Can't you hear him? DON : JACK, JACK! . . .WfERE ARE YOU? COME ON IN. . MEL: NOT A PEEP OUT OF YOU, BLmDY, OR I'LL DRILL YOU . JACK : But, Mister, the tuna fish will be all gone . . .And I don't like roses . -

LOIS : TH EE' S NOBODY OUf Tf~, II4RLING . .YOU MUST R(tVE BEEN

MIS^iAKE N! .

DON : I GUFSS I WAS, DEAR .

(SOUND : DOOR S1AMS) JACKo Oh my goodness . - MEL : ALL 3IGRT, BUDDY, OFF WITH THAT SHOE!

JACK: (STP.RTS TO CRY) Now listen, Mister, if I take this shoe off,

I'll nevor get it back on again . I haven ' t got my button-hook with me . . .Now please go away . MEL : COME ON. . .GItM'fE YOUR DOUGH!

JACK : But '_isten, Bu3dy . .this isn't fair . I wouldn't have been

been here at all if Don Wilson had taken my advice .

MEL : WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN I ABOUT? JA (SOUND : RAIN UP)

JACK : I ' ll tell you what I'm talking about . . .if I told him once,

I to13 him a thousand times . .Call up your wife, Don . .five people barging in on the little woman . It's~an imposition : Call her up . . .call her up, I said . . . (PLAY OFF STAFiTS) .,

JACK: But would he listen to me? No, he had to be a wise guy . .a smart alec . .A thousand times I said, "Call up the little woman, call her up," I said . (PLAYOFF UP FULL & APPIAUSE)

IA!

8 T 909 0020127 TBE #JACK BENNY PRC6RAM -C- SET C(kNPll3iCIAL

DON: Jack will be back in just a minute to tell you about his television show which goes on imvldiately after

this program over the CBS Network . . .but first a word

to you smokers who are looking for better taste in a

cigarette .

WILSON : Jack will be back in just a minute to tell you about

his television show whichgoes on at seven o 1 olook

over the CBS Network but first a word to you smokers who are looking for better taste in aoigarette.

Better teste. friends, is the prime concern of the

makere of Lucky Strike . That ' s why aLuaky is made of fine good-testing tobacco that's tegsted to taste

even better . Yes, better taste beginswith fine,

light, mild tobacco . . .good-tasting tobficco . Arrlthon

that tobacco is toasted. "IT'S TOaSTBD"-- the famous Lucky Strike process -- brings Luckies' fine tobacco to its peak of flavor . . . tones up this naturally

good-tasting tobacco to make it taste $ven better .

Cleaner, fresher, smoother . So, make your next

carton Lucky Strike and Be Happy, Go Laoky, (TRANSCRIBED : "If you want better taste from your oig-a-rette, COLLINS AND

FULL CALYPSO Lucky Strike is the brand to getj VERSION OF S0N3-37 SEC .) IT ' S TOASTED to give you the beat taste yet,

It ' s the toasted (CLAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-e.rette . (MORE ) I

R1'

ATi409 0020128 y

. THE #JACK BENNY PRp~}RAM -D•

~ CL08TNC C M6ERCIAL (CONP I D) COLLIId57 (CORT I D) They make fine tobacoo, it ' s light tobepoo,

it ' s mild tobacoo, too . .

Then IT ' S TOHSTED, yes, IT'S TOASTID

because the toasting brings the flavor right through.

So to get better taste from your oig-a-fiette,

Lucky Strike is the brarri to get : IT'S TOASTID to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (CIAP , ., CIAP, CIAP) cig-a-rette .

19 TK070020129 . (TAO) -19- ~ (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) I

ROCH : WHO'S TAAT? i JACK : It's me, Rochester, '4 ROCH : BOSS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOME? YOU'RE SUPPCB$f) TO BE LOWN AT CBS DOING YOUR TE[.tiVISION SHOH, JACK: Oh my goodness, that's right . pet the car out, and drive

me down .

ROCH: CAN'T DO THAT, BOSS, TRS CAR'S OUT OF GAS .

JACK : Well, how in the world am I going to get down there? p

ROCH: I THOUGHf OF THAT AND TIVE GOT IT ALL FI7CID, (WHISTLFS AS ~

IF CALLING DOG)

(SOUND ; HOR9E3 .I100VFS) .

, JACK ; Well, I'll be darned, St has got a saddle on it, i

ROCH: YRAH, IPBT'FAD OF A WHIP, HOIdI THIS PIECE OF CHEESE IN FRONT-- 9' Or IT. JACK : Ri ho, Mickey .,Away, . (SOUND: HORSffi NOOVS'i)

JACK : See you on television, folks . .

(APPIAUSE AND MUSIC) ,.

RT V

ATX01-0020130 -ea (TAG)

DON: The Jack Benny Program tonight was written by Milt

Josefaberg, John Tackaberry, Al Gordon, Hal Goldman, and

produced and transcribed by BSlliazd Marks .

The Jack Benny Progxam is brought to you by Luoky Strike,

product of the American Tobacco Cowpaty -- Amerioa, e

leading manufacturer of cigarettes .

1, RT

AT'H 0 i, . 0 020937 A~ v PR~~,, uN. . :i:1 ,I}Pi7

d~ia• (K:1~ TOBACCO OOITANY ],1KY STRIISE

THE JAOK BENNSLPRCGRAM

OVE 21 4 00- 4 :'l0 PM PS (Tranecribed- September-4?, 1954)

CAST : JAOKBENNY WSTONESRMNGSTO NENG STO NEI`7 DAY DON WIL90N SpORTSMEN QUARTET MSL $IANC FRANK NEISON CHARIPS BMiBY

flrxpl ; ov2o1az 0 N CCt4u RCr_AL (old set 6) - A -

TN6 AMERIGN T(HACCO COMPANY 'h7B JAC$ BENWY PRCCItAMn

7 :00-7 :30 PM EST .'!6 SLNDAY

WILSON : TfB: JACK BENNY PRO(iRAM .,,transoribed and presented by Lucky

Strike, the cigarette that's t s e &9 taste be tter : RT~- If you want better taste from your cig-e-rette, ~ Luckv t3 rike is the brand to get!

V8ASI027 IT'S TOASTED to give you the beat taste yet, OF So 39 S8C It's the toaste (CLAP . . .CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette :

They take flne tobacco, it's light tobacco, it's mild tobacco, too

Then IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOASTEB, because the toasting brings the flavor right through . So, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette, " Luc Strike is the brand to get!

IT'S TOASTED to give you the beat taste yet,

It's the toas (CIAP .,_CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette :

WILSON : This is Don Wilson . You know, that song tells an important story to smokers . Simply, it's this : Luckfes taste better . First because Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . .and then this fine tobacco ie oasted : Yes, the fine, mild, good- tasti*.g tobacco in every Lucky Is toasted tsg .teste ~+en better . "IT'S TOASTED" -- the famous Lucky $trike process

-- br ing s Luckies' fine tobacco to its very veek of flavor . . .tc*,es up this naturally good-tasting tobaooo to make it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother,Bo next

time you buy cigarettes, make it a carton of better-testing

Lucky Strike . Be happy -- Go lucky!

RTSS09 ; 00 20133 -1-

(FIRST ROUTINE) (AkTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DCWN) DON : THc IIJCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, .STARRINi JACK BENNY . .WITH MARY

LPJINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, IENNIS INY, BOB CROSBY, A ND "YOUR S

TRULY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSg . .MGSIC-UP AND DOWN)

DON: LADIES AND GENTIEM6N, . 6 JACK BENNY

HAS BEEN CONFINED To HIS BED FOR TfL PAST `. .BEP. WITH A SEV=

COLD, LYIE TO AN UNFOR'1UNATE OCCURRENCE AT MY H

JACK AND 1flEOUSE LAST SUNAAY, IT SEEMS THAT I HAD INVITED GAN3 TO COME OVEti WITHOUT TELLING MY WIFE . .TfEN YHEN VE ALL GOT TRERE, ITHOUGHT IT MLGHT BE WISE TO BREAK IT TO HGH GBNTLY BY HAVING TH3M COM6 IN ONE AT A TIMR . .(SLOW FADE) . .AND WELL. .WHIIE JACK WAS WAITINYI OUTSILE, IT STARTED TO RAIN, AND AS HE----

JACKi (FALE IN) *6nole week flot on my back in beO . .and for whet?

(COUGHS) I ought to hev my heed examined . If I told c~~ Don once, I told him 4W times . . .I said, Don, call up your wife . .Cell her up, I se1d . .Let's not barge in on the little women. . .But no! Lois is a peach, she won't m1 .nd . She just loves to have compa---(COUGHS) . .ny . Oh Nurtle . .NUra : ROCH : YES, BOSS . JAOK : Take this hot water beg away, it leaks . .LOok at this hole . ROCH : IT'S OKAY IF YOU KEEP YOUR FINGFA IN IT .

JACK : I told you to have it petched . .Look at me, ap-nightie is

soaked clear through . .(COUGHS) . .You're e fin9 nurse . ROCH : bRiAT'S THAT, BOSS? JACK : I seid you're a fine nurse . RF l .

flrxoa oo 2 o 134 -2-

ROCH: WELL, YOU'VE ONLY BEEN SICK A WM, I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO

GET A ~DI,~PL,~JMA .

JACK: well,~teke off those white stockings, you look ellly, .,all

I'm asking for is a little help . .If you'd .ooly -4-^x

(SOUND : PHONg RIN03 (/)

JACK : . Answer the phone, will you? (SOUND: R*CBIV$R UP) .

ROCH: FLLiD ...... YG3 . .Fr'3 FEE .IAG MUCH SETTRR, MISS .LAMARR .

JACK : Well :

ROOR: YES, MA'AM. .I'LL TELL HIM, MISS LAMARR . .THANKS FOR CALLINC . (SOUND: RECBIW$2 W,IN)

JACK: Mmn . .that wes sweet . . .Who was that, Rochester .,}Iedy Iamerr?

ROCH : NO, DOROTHY JACK: Oh . .you mean Dorothy mour . ROCH : 140, DOROTHY L.4MARR, SHE'S THC COOK NEYT DOOR : Oh, her! . . .Well, she works for Ronsld Colmen.. JAKC .Ronny probably wants to know how I'm getting along . . ROCH : YOU'Ib MAKE SODLTRIN3 OUT OF IT, WON'T YOU, BOSS? JACK: Well, that's undoubtedly whet it wes : DOOR OPENS) . (SOUND JACK : Mary, I told you not to SUss around the kitchBn.

MARY: Now Jeck,you've got to .¢at this omlette I mqde for you . It'll do you good .

JACK:'Yy.',R~I-don't went an omlette . MARY :T ~ You've got to have somsthing . . .Here : Oh, ell right . . JACK

(SOUND : LIGHT PLATE AND FORK RATTLB)

RT?S01,0020135 -3-

JACK: 4~ Can't teste anything with this darn cold . MARY: Rochester, did bA•. Benny sleep well last night? ROCH : NO, MISS LIVINGSTGNE, IE TGSSED AND TURNED, AND KEPT TAIIQM? IN HIS SIEEP ALL THE TIME .

MARY:Xs!,41het did he say?

ROCR : M SAID HE WAS GONNA GIVE NLF A RAISE .

JACK : Well, I'm not .

RGCH : YOU MUMBLE AGAIN TONIGHT, AND I'M GONNA STICK A CH."CK BOOK IN YOUR HAND

: Dun't try to . JACKpull any fast ones, Roct mNWP4$Wi@ -- Mrg,

what did you pyit n tli s omlette9 .

MARY : Vapcf Rub, you've got e cold, haven't you?

JACK : Vepoi'Rub? . ~t stuff is to rub on . .it's supposed to be taken externallv .

MARY : All right, put the omlette on your chest end leave ve alone . JACK : You leave me alone .

MARY : I never sew anybody so cranky . .It's your own fault that

you've got a cold

: MY fault? . .I suppose. JACK it was :yv fault that Don Ullson inviteco

us to his house and everybody got in but se . . .I suppose it

was rZ fault 42ft it started to rain and I got soaked .

MARY : Well, for heaven's sake, you don't expect him to bring homa

a whole geng of people without celling up his wife first!

JACK : Oh, for Pete's sake : . . .Mery, you were at the studio, you

heard me! How many time s did I say . .Don, call up your wife, Ca11 her up, I said, let's not berge in on the little woman . But ttould he listen to m3? . . .(SNgEZE9) ROCH: GEZUPIDHEII7P, BOSS. RF

fiiX01 . 0 020 1 36 -4-

JACK: Thanks . .No, he had to go end . .end. .(SNE=S AGAIN)

MARY: Oezundheldt, Jack .

JACK : Thenks . . .He had to go and bring~W the whole gang out to 1Yi-

(SMMZES AGAIN) ROCH: GFZUfA&6IIYT, BOSS . JACK: Thenks . . .out to the house without letting her know a thing

about it . . .I wouldn't have minded that so much,. but when we- ~,,~.,.~ ...... (STARTS TO SNEE~):'. ~ vhena,J, .we . .(SNEE7.ES AGAIN)

ROCH : IT'S YOUR TURN, bIISS LIVINGSTONg . MARY: No, I said it already .

ROCH : YiAH, BUT I SAID IT AFfER YOU SAID IT.

JACK: Uelly somebody say it~ I' m_ suuerstitious . . .0ezundheidU ......

I don't feel good, I wish the Doctor 41Wd get here .

MARY: Well, go to sleep for a while . .The rest will do you good .

JACK: I cen't rest . .I'm so uncomfortable lying here .

MARY: Why don't you take some of those silver dollars out of the mattress? JACK: llhet fre you telking about? . .SSlver dollars . .there's nothin ; in 7~r~ms'ttrees but feathers .

ROCH : YOU OUGHT TO HEAR 'M1 CLINK WHEN I tMKE THg BED . JACK: Now stop, both of you :' . . .I'm in no mood for nonsense . (SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR)

MARY: Come in (SOUND: IOOR OP5NS) JACK: OF~hello, IBnnis . DENNIS: Hello, Mr. Benny, I wasn't doing anything so I thought I'd coae over and see how you're getting along .

Ri)9 01 002013? -5-

JACK: Well, that's very nice of you . .heve a seat .

DENNIS : Thanks . . How do you feel? JACK: Not so hot . .I'm dizzy, my eyes are bleary, I'm week, and 40- I eche ell over . .

DENNIS : Well, you're not a kid anymore .

JACK : Now wait a minute : . . .There's only one thing the matter with

me, Isnnis . .I've got a cold .

DENNIS : A cold, he says!

JACK: Whet's the matter with you, haven't you ever had e cold?

MARY: 0h, Jack, don't be such e creb . .IAnnis comBeover to visit

you end you jump all over hLn .

DENNIS: Yeah, if you're not nice to me, I won't giveyou the gift

I brought for you .

JACK: a Gift?

DENNIS : Uh huh, Mother thought I should bring~fl~, end my fathe

suggested cendy. .Sut I decided it might be better to give

~yo,u, something~y~n get some use out of .

JACK: like practical-gifts . .What did you getme, IBnnis?

DENNIS: i Set of false teeth . JACK: . . .ralse teeth??? DENNIS : Watch the way they grab your finger : OUCH! . . .Get those thituts eyva,v.Q.fro..~ . JACK .I've,never se false teeth, I don't nadG/is, end I donlt .went 'em .

LENNiS : Gee . .then I guess I better take 'em beck .

flTX01 0020138 -6- ~ p~_~_ JACK : Certeinly you'11 take 'em beck . Who bring~ s ppople fel"4 se

teeth for a gift? . . . .AN In the

second place, IAnnis . .when someona needa false teeth, they n•-- heve to go to e dentist has to be ..inede, fittings

have to be taken, thett .you have to wait ti1l ..Ehe gums am set

so the Jaw won't recede, end even then you msy have to go

baok three or four timss if the palate is irritated or the bite overleps

E MdIS~:~ ~AF~Or...somsone who. I doesn't wear' em you're sure en expert . JACK ~"#r cut M out . . .Look, M~ , if you ,justname here to eggravete ae, you can go home now . :a,Don't mind him, IAnnis . .whenever he's sick, he. M4HY gets touchy like this . .~ ISNNIS: Oh that's all rightA .16(etl- s t .et on you^ chest, Mr . Benny? JACK: AN OML.F'TTE, THMP'8 VAFOt RUB IN IT : . . . . Thatiaas Mary's brilliant idea . When I wouldn't eat it, she aaid, "Put it on your chest ."

MARY : I only told you to put it on your chest for a gag . JACK : 1d8LL, IT FSEIS NONLiSNFUL, SO THE lAUGH'5 ON $OU : . . .1 Far as I'm concerned you can all leavemselore . MARY : Oh Jack, ::hy don't you take a nap and rest for awhile .

JACK : I told ycu I can't sleep, I'm too nervous : Well, close your eyes end relax . .you!1l be. MARY all right . JACK: Okey, my- eyes are closed . Am I sleep? No : . ., .I tell you

I'm too restless .

lSNNIS: Do you went me to s ing you to sleep? JACK: Oh fine . .that's all I need .

1 RF

RTDi 0 1 : 0 02 0 13 9 -7-

ju NNIS: You know I'm verg_so,othing . a-e.c JACK : All right,,sing to aleep ., : (MUPffiLES) i Nope it'e Rock- Ta-Bye Baby in the Tree Top . . .Thet alweys gets yis . :WW ihink I ves six months .old,

M4RY: (HHISP-Ms) Go ehead . .sing, IBnnis . . M'[iNls : . (tnrISPBRS) okay . .I think JACK: (MUMBLIW,) Dsrn this msttress, it's so lumpy .,

I:'11 take it to the bank Mondey . .

(*.ENNIS'S SOHCr) (APPLAUSE)

. .

fliX07 0020740 (SECOND RdvrIr>s) -8-

JACK: . (SNOIIIs? THICE) DENNIS : (HHISFERS) Gee, I put him to sleep all right : You'sure did . MARY : (SNIHtNS AGAIN) I6NNIS . JACK : Look at him lying there,, .doesn't he look like a baby?

MARY : Yeah, all he neede is a rattle and a ton of make-up .

JACK : (QUICK SPOtE AND WAKESIIP) Huh? . . .What happened?

DENNIS : You were asleep .

JACK : I was not . I'm too restless to sleep . . .Now goehead, Dennis .

sing your song .

DENNIS : I already sang it, I'm .not going to sing it again. JACK: All right, don't sing, . .but don't try to tell me I wes eslee7 when I vasn't . . .everybody tries to make out that I'm--- (SOUDID : DOOR OPENS)~

MARY : Well, look who's here„t~[1, .It'~our y piano player, Cher1L

Begby .

BA( SY : Hello, Mary . . .Hi ye, Jack, how's the invalid?JACK : Not so good, Charlie, 15i got a cold .

MARY : Say Charlie, how Is it Frenk7e Remley didn't come with you?

BAGRY : Well, he couldn't make it, but he wanted me to give this to

Jack . . .It's a painting .

JACK : A painting? Aemley sent me a painting? BAOBY

: Well, he did this himself . And he's very proud of it .

JACK : Let me see . . .So Remisy painted this, eh? BPABY : Yeah. . .I think it's quite unusual .

flT1i09 0020141 Nq Q • 4 , --i JACK: But it ' s just a~drunlt lying on the curb . ' s so unusual

about that?

BAOBY : It's a self-portrait . JACK : Oh oh . . .sey, that is Remley . . .job so hard to tell with that dog licking his face . . . nyA.~~way, it wes nice of him to send it . (COIARS) .. . .Gee, I wish i~li ducto-2td got here . . .l40 got . chills again . . .Where's the thermometer, Roche8t9r I'LL GET IT, BOSS. ~ (SODPID : PRONE RINGS) JACK : ++n@wer the phone, Marry.

MARY : Okay . ( 0UND : =EIVEN'UP) MARY : He11o . . .Yes . He's feeling much better, Miss Colbert . .,Yes,

thank you. . .I'1 tell h7m you calle . . .Goodbye . ( SOilfm : IVER -DOHN)

JACK: We11 : . . .Who was that . . Claude a Colbert? MARY : No, Minnie .

JACK: Oh, Minnie Colbert,,,0 s, she's the cashier at the Vine Street Bowling Alle , .You kn that girl kind8 .goes for me . BAGBY: You cen heve her rother : She's ot legs like my piano . JACK : WELL, SHg'S B THg COUNPER ALL , HH0 9EES. 'EM? . . .Every fellow tha walks into that Bowling A1 is crazy about her . . She has beautiful face . DENNIS : The by do they keep score on it? JACK: , quiet . . .A lot you know about wousn. BAGBY : Hhat's that on your chest, Jack? JACK : An omlette ., .Give me the thermometer, Rochester .

IH7 4 '

Ri901, 0020142 ROCH : HSRF YOU FdE ., .OPEN YOUR MOUtH . JACK : AHQIIBh (PUTS PENCIL IN HIS MOUfH)

BAGBY : Say Mary, has Don Wilson been over 4m to see Mr . Benny?

MARY : ,~ jN~oCt yet, he's probably scared after what happened .

BAGBY :"AWhat's te scered about? . . It Aesn't Don's fault,

JACK : (WITH PBNCII. IN HIS MOVPH) It wasn't Don's f FU1t? If I told

him once, I told him a thousand times~ dop barge in on

the little rroman. . .(TAK6 PENCIL OUT) Here, Rochester, vhat

does the thermometer say? ROCH : THIRTY-NINE .

JACK : Thirty-n7ne . . ,Aj~ , ou made that up . Y

ROCH : YOU MADE IT UP, I'M JUST GOIN' ALONG WPTH THE GAG . JACK : A11 right, all right . . .I wonder what's keepingdihat doctor . . Why don't you take somemore of that cough medioine? JA Oh, I hate it . ROCH : 'S MIGHTY GOOD, BOS4 . . .SIXTY PfiRCSNf ALCOHOL JACK : S per--- Beabv, pgt that bott]s down : .,~All of a sudden he's go e co1d . . .Gee, I feel rotten . MARY : Well, meybe ou ought to have e b e to eat . JACK : Yeah, I am k of hungry. .e chester, you can fix me something . . .Whet's t refrigerator?

ROCH : AN APPLE, A PEAR, A H, A BANANA, AND A GRAPE . JACK : Oh. ROCH : SOMEDAY I' ONNA SEE 1Y70 OF IM3 AND FAINT, JACK : Rocheat --- ROCH : I' TILL NOT CONVINCED THAT BANANAS IN BUNCHES . JACK : ow cut that out . . .Just see if you can sore something together . ROCH : OKAY.

(SOUND : DOOR SI.AM) ., .

RT 9 01 . .0 0 20 1 43 i1-

JAC&: --Thst-Zoatester,, .I give h1m five era a week for food and there's :ever house . . .Boy, he'e going to heve sovn expla o d the accountantoomes . . .I'm

tired o : ple taking advantage . .(COLCHIS) 1HsTiNL4 : (3efi~H :'ssit . ~`

JAC% : T hat's only for sneezee . . .If the doctor doesn't

3:r . tj& eoon, I'11 --

(SOUPID: KNOCK ON DOOR)

JACK : That must be him now . .,Come in .

(SOWtd) : DOOR OFENB)

MARY : It's Don Wilson. DON: Hello, everybody . CAST :(~'~ .(.A~D ~LIBS HEIJD3)

JACK:\ He's got S nerve 71 No p h6te, DON

: Hello, Jeck . . .I'm awfully sorry about what hgppened last

week, and I ceme over to apologize . . .How do you feel?

JACK : Fine, I'm gled you barged Sn . . .How's the littl,e woman?

MARY : Oh, Jack,

ATYl01 0020144 -10-

JACK : It F s not only the cold . .but when he left me standing in the rain, a stick-up man came along ! I got hooked for eight

dollars and sixty-five cents ;

JACK : :I"- -0--j"Pt -. . .It xae a terrible experience . BkOBY : .Did the guy pu11 a gun on you, Jack? NARY:~ Hox else could he Bet eiaht dollara and aixty-five cents?

: ~bat- JACK eo . . .I vasn ' t afraid of h BAGBY : Then why' et him talCV~our dough!

JACK: Because he stuck ribs . DENNIS : Then xhy

JACK : :f 6v~0L•'}ei tt[.7~1 GG) .l~i SItltI :1'~4 ;C1t~ :7SQO~7d)P7aii ID ilns i wope you're happy, Mr . Wilson, or everything youlve . .you've . . .(SNHBZFS) DON : Gezundheit .

JACK: Keep lt,. . . .And Don, if you think you can comehere, apologize,

and expect me to forgive you just like that, you're sadly

mistaken . .

DON : But Jack, I even went to.the trouble of bringing the Sportsmen - ov- r here : The Sportsmen?. JACK DON : Yeah . .COMr'. ON IN, Fk71AWS . (SOUND: DOOR OPFTiS)

TACSC~'.',1, lb~~~,^u bring 'em here? DON Y~I'thought maybe they could sing for you and cheer you up,

DON : '~a . . Go ahos . . ks it, felloxa .

ATPf 01 ~, 0020145 ~ -IPA-

QUATiP : POWDER YOUR FACE WITH SUNSFIITIB .

PUT ON A GREAT BIG SMILE

FILL THOSE BLUE EYE4 WITfI LALCHTSR FOL16 WILL BE L4UGHING WITH YOU IN A LITTIE ilHIIB WRISTIE A TUNE OF GLIUNESS

GLOOM NEVER WAS IN STYI E THB FUTURE'S BRIGHTER

WHEN HFARTS ARE LIGHTER

SMIIE SMILE SMILE LIGHT UP A GOOD OLD IIJCAY

PUFF ON IT FOR AWHILE

MADE OF SUCR FINE .TOH4C00

YOU WILL ENJOY A LUCKY

SMOKE IT WITH A SMILE IACKbS ARM ALWAYS FRESN6R

CIF,4NER AND SMOOTHRR , TOO

ANID T'f ERE 'S A REASON TRAT TfU;Y'RE SO PLEASING

QUART : A LUCICY'S TOASTED

THAT'S WHY WE'VE BOASTED

YOU WILL LIRE

QUART : A GOOD 0LD LUCfy

FROM OLD RENTUCISY

LUCRY STRIKE

(APPLAUSE)

ATY901 0020746 . (THIRD ROT)fINE) . -13-

DON : Do you fsol better now, Jack?

JACK : Oh sure . sure,,,everybpdy sings to ms, nobody brings7e candy . ~ ~

DON : Well, rhywey, Jack, iteure makes me feel better IM that~y

we're :. !r iends again

:We~Te not friends again. JACK - you've got a longvey to go . DON : But J;,ck, once !n a while even an elephant for8ets . JACK: Well, you ought to know, brother .

DON : (MAD` Oh yeah? Well, if that's the way you fe91, I take beel

my a ? ology. JACK: Take it back . . .who area9 DON : OHH .N4I, .,CCME ON, , IET'S GET OUT OF HF.N6 - I'VE DDNE AIJ.-I CAN. (SOUND : DOOR SIAbS) JACK : What a big fat hypocrite .

MARY : Jaok, I still think you're being childish . . .yoU two ought to

kiss and make up . - JACK: I woyldn't kiss Don Wilson if I was a FrenchCeneral . . .Ths

weg "L-feel ow I'd Just about 904 Or --

(SOUND : DOOR OFENS)

RCCH : THg_D(ICT OR'S HERE, BCBS . JACK : Oh . .j',~WibX'-s about time,

NELSON : WEI.LiSd.L, HOW'S MY LITTIB MAN THIS BRIGHT AND CEH•:ERY DAY.

JACK : As if Yo u- cared . . .IIM been waiting for you sinoe early this morning, N3SON : Well, don't holler at gp. I was up all night with Gene Autrey's horse . ~~ JACK : ~, .1l~, p¢ow that you're here, you can look me over .

NEISON : Yes, indeed . . .Now let's see, what's wrong with you?

Rr901 002 0 14 z JACK: I've got a cold .

NELSON : A cold, he says! : i t's- JACK what I've ot, .I'm so veak, I oan move . . a~t at aq eyes, they're all b ea hot . NS[SON: Well, I think iti t of red is beautiful with the blu~e~~.~ JACK: Iy.ftvi• CARE ABCUT TNE COIAR SCFDIIAR, I WANT . CURSD: . : , .And another thing, I'm hu:gry, .,Is it all right if I eat

something?

NELSON: Oh, no no, .,You should starve a oold and feed a fever . JACK : Oh, N9SON: Or is it starve a fever and feed a cold? JACK : YOU'RE TNB DOCTOR, YOU TELL ME : . . .Now if you can't handle

this, just say so iM I'll call some one who ¢en .

NELSON: My, we're irritable today,, .Let's see, I better test your reflexes? JACK

: My 411111~

NELSON: Yes, would you mi/nd crossing youx2+4//'///withers .

JACK: They're my legs . .s there's nothing wrong with my reflexes

it's just that I keep coughing and sneezing . NELSON : Well, in that oase, I'd better give you a cold shot . .That'll fix you up in no time.

JACK : But Doo, I don't want a shot .

NRLSON: I'll just fill my k ypodermic needle . JACK: You're not going to stick that needle in mel MARY : Oh, let him, Jack . He knovs what he's doSng,JACK : W,tut I don't need it, Mary, I've just got a little cold .

NELSON : Now hold still and I'll put this needle right in your arm . GR

Rrxo 1 oo2 o 14 e ~'~ ~° -15-

JACK: ^' WAIT'LL I ROIL UP MY SIBEYE . .I never saw such eh impatient-- NELSON: -40R . . .iiasy ow. .thia wpn't hurt a bit . Here we go : Now, Doo .( terrr ~+Oo-•-ooeoAbC( my arm . . . JACK NE[SON : There, now that wasn't ao bad, was it? JACK: It was, too. .my arm burts like anything. .

NELSON : Should I kiss it for you? JACK: Don't bother . NEISON: Now I want you to get all the sleep you can . .I1ll leave a box of these pills . .take one before retiring .

JACK: Okay . MARY: Why don't you take one now, Jack, so you can rest for a while? JACK: Yeah . .I think I will . NELSON: Well, I'll run along,now, Mr . Benny . .See youtomorrow . ., . - Goodbye . JACK: Goodbye . . (BOUND : DOOR CLOSES) ..

JACK; Now if you kids will all .4~ (SOUND: DOOR OPPRS) NEf .40N: Excuee me . JACK: Now what?

NELSON : I forgot to take the needle out of your arm . JACK: What? - NELSON : I lose more darn needles that way, JACK

: WELL FOR HEAVEN'S SAKc, FULL IT CU'1',

NELSON: All right, now hold still . .(SCUND: SUCTION NOISE AND POP) . JACK : 0ooh . GH

RTM 01 0020149 ~t'e -16-

I~3.SON: There we are . .Well,~~you tomorrow . .Goodbye,Mr . Bexuy . JACK: Goodbye, goodbye .

NEISON: Nov let's see, who's my next pstlsnt . .Oh yes, Barbara

Stenwyck's cocker spaniel . ~ (SOUND : D00.R SLAMS)

JACK: fi R ne doctor I picked . MARY: Well, it's your own fault, why did you cell a Veternarian? JACK : Because what happened to cre shouldn't happen to a dog : . . . Now I wish you'd all go hame and 7 .et tte get solne sleep.

BAGBY : Okay, Jack . .I'11 be seein,', you

:~ ~~G,oodbye, Mr . Benny, I hope you . IENNI~S,, feel better . JACKI~Thenks, 9~ . .So long, Mary

: So long, Jack, see you tomorrow. MARY : DOOR CIpSFS) JACK . (SOUND : Rochester : . .(YAWNS) Rochester, I'm going to 8}eep . .If I get any calls, don't disturb me . ~~

ROCH : OKAY, BOSS . .IF THAT STREBT LIGHT MMMS. YOU, Z CAN PULL

TflE SHAI C .

JACK: . No no . .I may wake up and feel like reading . .Goodnight, Rochester. .

ROOH : GOODNIGHT .

JACK : Oh, by the way,-INNIPONr, wake me up in time to watch the General Electric Theatre on televislon . .I'm on lt tonight .

ROCH: OKAY, BOSS . (SOUfID : DOOR CIASFS)

J•

flrx 01 . 0020150 _15A_

JACK: (YAWNS) Gee, I hope I can get e good night's-rest . . This pill does make you kind of drowsy at thet . .(YAWNS) .$. Wilson had a lot of nerve coming over here tonight .I can't

get over that guy. .all this trouble I'm having for no

reason at ell . . .(yAWN9) . .I told~, him once, :I told Q ,~ thousand times . . .Cell

A.'Vbsrging Sn . .(SNORES) . .~L no he had to be a viee guy . .

~ (SNORES 1WICE)

(SOURD: WINWW OPENING) .

RT 90 1 0020151 -17-

JACK: What's that? . .Who's that at the window?

NII. : All right, buddy, stick 'em up.

JACK: WAAT ? MEL: Come on, gimme your dough!

JACK: Why, you're the seme guy that got me at Don Wilson's house . . Remember, I was in the rose bushes . 1(ever micd that, han3, over your dough .

JAC(C! You can't do this to pie . i.m a sick man . .I'W got .a cold .

NfEL; A cold, he says . .Now come on, fork over,

JACK: Gee, I gave you all the money I had in my sho9. .every cent of it . . .Remember?

MH[.: This time,I want your.matressl

JACK: yipo 1 . . . . Oh no you don't . (SOUND: SCUP4'LING NOISES) JACK: GIVE ME THAT GUNl . .I'LL TEACH YCII TO BREAK INI'0 PEOPIB'S HOUSES! NH. : NO NO, DON'T SHOOT . .PLFASE, DON'T SHOOTJ . JACK: TAKE THAT! (SIXHD~D : FOUR LG47D GUN SHOTS) hL3[.: Oooooooh . (SOUND: BODY THUD) JACK: Oh my goodnessl What have I done? . . . .I've killed him, I've killed him) (SOUND: DOOR .OPENS) RCCH: BOSS. .BOSS: WHAT'S T71E NAT'PER? JACK: CALL THE POLICE, ROCEQ'STER . . .I JUST KII,id'Ds A~ /

ROCH: WAKE UP, B03S,lWAKE UP7

JACK: I'FI NOT ASLEEP, I JUST KIIS .ED A MAN.,CAN'TYW SEE? GH V•

flTX01 : 0 020152 -18-

RCCH: BOSS, W/dd; UP1 YOU DIDN ' T KILL AH7BODY, YOU'VE BE@I

1 R PM'.IRI: . .

JACK: Dreamirg? . .Oh, thank HeBvene, t was so viv~i)d . .so real . . .

You knm, Hochesterou l d t ^proud of ine ifyou~8-seen

how brave I was ,just now . ROCH : WHAT ARS YQI TALKIHu ABOUT?

JACK: When that big tough burglar oame in the room affi stuck that

gun in n~7 face, was I soared? . .40 . . .I grabbed'.the gun out of his heud and let him have it . . Dang, bang .~ gg baog l

. . .Boy, did I give t to him! ROCH: BQAS, Wi$N YOU# THE RIGHI' PILL, YW 'RS A TIO$R .

JACK: You said it . .Well, I ' m going back to sleep now, Rochester .

If anything happens, I f 11 let you know . .0oodnight .

ROCH: GOODNIGHP, BOSS . ., .HHi I Ec IlEE HEg, WHAT A MANJ

(APPLAUSE AND PlAYOFF)

19 rxo 1 , oo 2 o 453 -C- TRE JACR BENNY PROGRAM S,.,P ;Yb

SJASIN3 COtMIIiCIAL

WILSON : Jack will be back in j ust a minute, friends, but first, I'd

like to sAy somsthing important

. to you cigarette smokers . When you light up a

Lu cky, you can be suxa you'll get the better taste you went . That's because a. Lucky is toasted to taste better .

Of course, the beginning of better taste is fine tobacco .

LS/t& T - Lucky Strike meens fine tobacco . And then . . . IT's TOASTED: That's .the famous Lucky Strike process that

brings Lackies fine tobacco to its peek of flsvor .-. tones

it un to make this naturally aood-teating tobacco taste

even better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Yes, that's why

Luckies teste better . It's the cigarette of fine tobacco and It's Toasted : So remsmber . . . ~TRANSCRIBL'D)! FITLL HIT PARALERS VE{2SION OF Sona --39

M' C') If you went better taste from your cig-a-rette, Luc

Str'_ke is the brand to bet : IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

It's the toasted (CL4P . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-e-rette .

They take fine tobecco, it's light tobacco, i t's light

tobacco, it's mild tobacco, too Tben IT'S TOASTFD, yes, IT'S TOASTBD, . beceuse the toasting brings the flavor right through .

RF (MORE)

prx 01 0 0 20 9 54 -D-

~ J~ACIC BENNY PROGRAM

(TRANSCRIBGD : So, to get better taste from your cig-e-rette, FJLL U9W- - ,,r 7.uck )r Strike is the brand to get! -- 39 SEC .) IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, CONT'D. It's the toea d(CIAP . . . CLAP, CIAP) cig-a-rette!" .

fiT90.1- 0020155 (TAG) -19-

RCCH: W DO YOU FEEL THIS MORNING, BOSS? JACK : A 1 better . .A ;ood nlght's sleep really helps .

HGCH : IT'S :> TO SEE YOU CHEERFIiL AGAIN . /

JACK: Yeah . .ac ou know, Roohester, I better/~lllc Don Wilson and

apologize f the way I treated him .

(SCUND : CEIVSR UP . .D1A .BUZZ . .CLICK)

DON : (NASP.LLY) Hello . JACK : Hello, Don, this is ck nd I called to sa9thet I'm sorry for the way I actod .

DON : . (AN3RY) I don't are Sf -- SNEEZE9) JACK : What's the ter?

DON : I cau3h our cold . (g*~~'4) JACK: Ges elt . DCN : ep it . JACK : What?

DCN : This is all your fault . JACK: . Cfy, fault : If I told _ once~old mi a th0usand times . . Call .he little voman . But y~s- had to b a wise guy . . I sa1d, Don ~~3~ . e~-rge in c . 4~~ _n. .( (/ her . . Call^~iidF . - / n . .l L (APPIAUSE & MLSIC)

R7iS07 0 020156 . -20-

DON : The Jack Benny Program tonight vas written by.Sam Perrin, Milt Josefeborg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, A1 Gordon,

Hal Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks .

The Jack Benny Program is brought to you by Lucky

Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company ----

America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes .

RTXO1,.0020157 85tOz0U-toH1N

19v3

. (166L '9Z '4des - PB4Tdosassy) ssa wa oc : fr-oo :h sgo +r562 '8z aawnoH 'xmms

xxiass -MrOnt xNV o

U oi~ wvuaou `d x•sr ~eRICAN TOBACCO COMPAN~ -A - PItOGRAM #1 NOVEN~R , 2~Y5 03$dIPfir COFA26RCIAL

WIL40N : . THE JACK Hk27NY PROGBAM . . . . tranacribed and presented

by LUCKY STRIKE,,,,the cigarette that's toasted to

taste better!

If you want better taste from your cig - ar-ette, COL~LIN9~~) WITH FULL Lucky Strike is'the brand to get! OHCH . B.G. It ' s TOAST&D to .give you the best taste yet .

It's the toasted (CLAP . . .CL4P CLAP) cig-a-rette .

They take ine tobacco, it's light tobacco, it's

mild tobacco, too . Then IT'S TOASTBD, yes, IT'S TOASTFD, . Because the toasting brings the f]svorright through .

So to got better taste from your cig-a-tette, , Luckg 5 ri e is the brand to get!

IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste .yet, It's the toas (C7AP, .,CIAP, CLRP) cig-a-rette!

WILSON : This is Don Wilson . I'd like you to listen to just the last part of that song once again . (TBANSCRIBED) . w~ ~ It's the toast (CLAP . . .CL4P, CLAP) Oig-a-rettel OHOH. B.G .

ar 801 002 0 I s 9 nMERICAN TOBaccO coNrAN~ #1 -B- "Tf16 JACK AOCRN4' NOVffi .iSER , 194 OPENIIiO COMhgRCIAL (cONTINL)

WIL9ON : That's one loryortant reason a Lucky tastes better .

It's toastedl The fine tobacco that goes into every Lucky is toaeted to taste better

. "IT'S . TOAST&U" -- the famous Lucky Strike yrocese --brings Luokies' fine

tobacco to its peak of flavor--

tones up this light, mild, naturally good-tasting

tobacco to make it taste even better . Cleaner,

fresher, smoother . That's why we say this : If vou

want real en i ,ovment from vour oicar9tte . . .ma e t a L 1

STRANSCRIffin) If-'$ou-uat better taete Y~-yotu^ g a-rette, OLLdNS . 8'Uli: ' WITN . Luokv Strikee is ths- Mto get : ORON . .B.C . IT B TOyS'fffi to give you the best . yet .

a~the toasted (cLAP. . .CIAP, CIAP) oig-a-

flTHO t ~. 0020160 (FIRST ROUTINE)

(AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : THE IUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK 8W . .WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCHESI'ER, DENNIS MY, BOB CRQSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPIAUSE . .MUSIC UP AND DONN) -ZZ7~ A DON : IADIffi AND GENTLEM6N, TONIGHP JACK BENNY 1XES ANM'HBR VW SHOW . .EUT MRANNHILE, I'D LIKE TO TAKE Yq1 AADK TO YffiTER114Y

AND OUT TO TACRS mopm Hae IN BEVERLY HII1$ . . .IT IS A TYPICAL MORNING IN THE BENNY HOUSEHOLD . .AND AS WE LOOK IN,

ROCfII's4TER IS BUSY IN THE KITCHEN . ' ROCH : WELL, I BETTER FINISH SQUEEZING THESE ORANGffi . (SOUND : ORANGE JUICE BEING SQUEBZS¢)

ROCH : GEE, THAT LOOKS GOOD . . .ORANGE JUICE IS SO NONIBRBUL WHEN

IT'S FRESH . . .THERE ' S SOtg.'TILIIVG ABOUT IT WHEN THE ORANGES

HAVE BEEN PICf~) .RIGHT~~TRE TREE . . .WE SURE ARE LUCKY

THE COUMNS HAVE ONE ...... I REmfficm THB AFGH)MffiNT THEY HAD THE FIRST TIME MR . BENNY PICKED THEM . . .HE'POLD MR . COIlAhN THAT WHILE IT WAS HIS TREE, SINCE THAT LIMB WAS GROWING

OVER INTO OUR YARD, IT WAS OUR LEGAL PROPBNTY ...... I

THOUGRT THE BOSS WAS .WRONG, TOO, BUT THE SUram COURT

UPHELD RIM . J .AND THEN I ' LL NEVER FORGb'P THE-ROI LOWIIPT

119-W : MP f4UHE-lQ=

BROWN HAIR~6T-E~TOID THE BOSS THAT ANY411ING THAT BIEN OVFR~7T0 HIS YARD WAS HIS . .J . . .WELL, THAT FINISHES THE ~ORANGE JUICE . . .NOW TO PUT THE CfFFEE ON .

(SOUND : COUPIE FOOTSTEPS . . . COPFEE POT ON STOVE)

Rr 901 002 0 161 -2 -

MEL : (SQUAWKS & SIA3S SGPTLY) Goodnight, eweetA9art, tili we meet tomorrow . . .Goodnight, sveetheart . . .(WHISTIES) ROCH :(-CH, POLLY . . . . I FOtY3GT TO TAKG THE COVER OFF YOUR CAGE .

(SOUND : COUPLE FOOTSTEPS . . . STOP . . . COVER BEING

REMOVID FAO M Cd+GE)

ROCH: THERE YOU ABE .

MEL : (SINGS) Oh, what a beautiful morning, oh, what a

beautiful day . (WHISTTFS) ROCH :,.L-!-IT SURE IS A NICE DAY, POLLY .

MEL : (SQUAWKS) Tunney Beata Dempsey . . .Tunney Beata Dempsey . . (SQUAWKS) .

HOCH : I GUgSS IT'S ABOUT TIME I CHAN3ED THAT PAPBR ON $

30MOW POLLY'S CAGE . . .WELL, I BETTER GET MR SOMEIR@1G TO EAT . MEL: (COIIPIB OF AAPPY SQUAWKS)

(SOUND : DOOR OPENS) ROCH : (UP AND BRIGHT) OH, GOOD MORNING, MR . BENNR . JACK: (DOWN IN DUMPS) Good morning, Rochester . HCCH : BERE'S A NICE BIG GlASS OF FR :."'SH ORANGE JUICE . JACK: = don't want any . HOCH : CH. . . . WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BR[AKFAST? JACK : 7othing .

RUCH : BUff BOSS, DDN'T YOU WANT ANYTHING AT ALL?

JACK: ite1l . . .yes . . .get me some smelling salts . . .some Tuma . ._

fix me an Alka-Seltzer . . .and get me a bottle of aspirin .

HOCH : WHAT'S THE MATTER, ARE YOU SICK?

JACK: No, i1W Dennis Day ie coming over. . .I couldn't talk him out of it .

flr 901 002016 2 -3- 1_% ROCH: YOU SHOUtZ%V'T IEf HIM UPSET YOU LIIQ : THAT . JACK: I ahouldn't eh? That stupid kid called me up at three o'clock this morning to ask me how I felt . ROCH:::(J..1?;Wlff WOULD HE CALL YOU AT THRgG IN '14E MORNIIiO?

JACK: He said he thought my line vouldn't be~busy tben . . .I can't understand that kid . . . .Anyway, he told me he was

coming over today to let me hear his song .

RJCH: ISN'T1~ THAT TfQ's REASON HE USUALLY COMES OVBR?

JACK; YeB; but 1WA 'i he starts that slily talk 4W be drivea

me nuts . . .But he won't do it today . . .I von't give him a

chance to do anything but sing . . .A man can qlby stent?o

much and then ---

MEL: (SQUAWKS) Trumen defeats Devey . . .Truman defeats Derrey . .

(WHI9TLES) -

JACK: Oh good, Rochester, you changed the paperin Polly's

oage . . ._.. . ~ . . - . . .Was there any mai1, .Roohester? ROCH: IT DIDN'T COME YST . . .BVf YOU DID HAVE ONg•D7PORTANT PHONE

CALi, . .HiLLUtfiD MARKS, YOUR PRODUCER, CALi$D FR OM C .B .S .

TO TELL YOU THAT THE TIME OF TOtbRROW'S F~WARSAL HAS

BEEN CHANGED . . . Oh, good . . . .you know, Rochester, that's on e things the job easler . . .I smy9elf xith competent people . . . care of all the details, and I never o worry . . .What time $rsal going to j morrov%

ROCH,-' I DON'T KdOW, HB P'bA30T TO TELL ME . •

RTTS010020163 JACK: -9&. . .Well, I better call up and find out : COUPIE FOCTSTEPS . .RECEIVSR.(SCUPm UP . . . DIALIN3 FIVE OR SIX TINIBS . .BUZZIN6 . . THBN PLDG IN : He11o, C .B.S . TheStars' Addrees) BEA . . .Yes eir. . .Hold the

line, I'll see if I can locate him .

(SOUND : PLUG OUT )

SHI RLEY : Who was that, 6ertruie?

BEA : Jack Benny . . .he wants I should get him his producer .

SHIRLEY : Oh, that Benny . . .always making us do thinga . . .He's a pain in the neck !

BEA : Not to me . . .I like him and he likes me .

SHIRLEY : Really? BEA : Yeah . . .if I tell you a secret, will you promise to keero it a secret ?

SHIRUbY : Oh sure . . .I swear on my picture of Pinky Ise .

BEA : Okay, I'll tell you . . .Last June Jack Benny and I nearly got married . . .i e8 MIMMMOMM" a .what happened to stop the elopem . BEA : thin ent wXVng thatnight . . . ~ I broke his

gwindow wh leaned the jadder up against it .

SHIRSmY : . . .Wait a m nut . . 't he supposed toput the ladd e up aga ur window BEA : ok . . .hew ? supposed to pay for the se, too, b u

go argue wi him .

SHIRLEY : All ri ht teJ.l me what he ned a 0 22 6 BFA : -1fJONINUM is got into a cab and rode over to the Justice

of the Peace, and he started reading the ceremony .

ATfS01 = 0020164 -5- exrnruv : Yeah, yeah, yeah .

BFA :uteXP When he got Lhe part that says, "With all my worldly

goods I thee endow", Jack ran out so fast debroke the

sound barrler . .I was never so embarrassed in my life .

SHIRIEY : I can imagine . BFA : Now I wouldn't marry Jack if he was the last man on earth . SNIE1iEY : . . .Say, the way he k,eeps going on, he's liable to be . BFA : Yeah . . .Anyway, I'm glad I broke up with him . I've started going out with Dennis Day .

SRIRISY : That dumb kid? BFA : Who, Dennis Day? SHLROY : Yeah, be's so dumb he thinks the English Channel is where you watch old pictures on television .~

BEA : Well get her . A regular Imogine CooCoo . You know, Mable, sometimes you think you're --0--- •--

(SOUND : BUZZER) . BEA : Gee, Mr. Benny is sure impatient . . . (SOUND : PLU3 IN)

ID's4 : I'm sorry, Mr .Benny, but your producer isn't in . JACK : Oh, well keep trying . . .But when you get hi.61, Gertrode, tell him - Gertrude, did you feel tbat? . .rI was ,

positive I felt an earthquake . . .Ob well, goodbye,

Gertrude .

(SOUND : RLC$IVER DOWN . . .H'OOTSTEPS . :.SUSTAIN IN C B .G .)

JACK: ~& funny, I was sure I felt an earthquake -- the whole room shook .

flTX01. 0020165 -6-

DON : . Bello, Jack . JACK: Oh Don, what a relief . . .so it was you? ROCH : I I.Ei' HIM IN, MR . BIIiNY : Oh . . .Don, .when you oame. JACK in, the whole house :shook . . .I can't understand why they didn't feel it down at C .B.S . . . . it's only six miles . lo~-e-,~l- ~ - ....., ..--~~ IpN : Nov wait a mnu , . ok .~tting awfully tired of

all these remarks about my size . JACK : But Don --

DON : I'm probably lighter on my feet than you are . . .Why, last week, I went to Arthur Murray's for some dancing lessons, and he was amazed .

JACK : Really?

DON : Yes, he said I danced like a big fat Nijlnski . (HE L~°a .. ., IAii(}HS. ~ .~wIT .UP)..~ .. -~ ~.. .e~ . ..~-) JAL' : on .,$: . . . ls on't underatand . . .Me yo ~swl out, and yet you yourself make jokes about your size . DON : I knov, Jack . . .You see, when you do it, it's an insult,

but when I pull a joke ~ my own expense St ' s different . .

a ~hows I'm a good sport and can take it . . ;L1ke . . . well, for instance, you'd be the first to apmf .t you're a

lousy violinist . ROCH: THE SECOND• I-MTHg I^IRST : You keep out of this . . .Don,. JACK what did you coote over for?

DON : VM, Jack, I brought the Sportsmen @uartet with me --

JACK: I saw them, but I didntt want to say hello to them

because I'm sick of that "hmm®m" . . .Why don't you just

have them go ahead and let me hear their nufaber .

RT 9 07 00201 6 6 -7-

DON : Jack , I didn't bring them over to sing to you .

JAC$e MR •that's what you always do . .

DON : I know, but thia is different . You know, Jack, every

time you go anywhere they come over and sing goodbye

to you. And when you come back, they velcome you home ~~7i,"vith a song . . .but today they want you to sing to them . JACKt(ivx,Why? DON : It's their birthday . JACK : Well, I'11 be-4" . . .wait a minute . . .did you say today is their birthday!

DON : Uh huh . JACK : All four of them have the same birthday? U1KbKI~

DON : I'll tell you something that's even more,amezing than that . They were all born in the same toYn . . .Storm Lake, Iowa . JACK: No! ~ AON : Ye9;-Jack, and in the same hospital! I'll be darned . Well, then no er~ey formed a q

DON : DON , ack, they didn't even meet esotreth,q=till they got

out here in Hollywood . _ /

JACK: What a coincidence . . .Only my idiot writers Would think

of a thing like that . Anyway, Don if you say it's their

birthday, I'll sing to them . . .Hey fellows --- (SINGS) HAPPY BTHTfQ1NY TO YOU, HAPPY

BIRTHDAY TO YOU, ., HRPPY BIRTHIYtY, WAN SPOHTSNI6N, .

HAPpY ffifCPfID4Y TO YOU . .

~~, k.L , S ,. .

ArYSO9 . 00 2 0 9 6 7 -8-

QUART : RAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US i~ ; ~'~'1'~"/j~' ~ 4 .-W ._.~J~d 4L ~ HAPPf BIRTHDAY TO US

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM YOU ALL HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US ' SR BOOM HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO U f~^'r S

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM YOU ALL HAPPY BIRTRD4 FA L OF YOU TO EVERYOPLG OF US

WHAT A HAP, WHAT A RAP, WHAT A HAPPY DAY

HAAT A HAP, ! .7NT A HAP, WHAT A HAPPY 114y

YIAAT A HAP, ylRAT A HAP, HRAT A HAPPY DAY WHAT A HAPPY LITTLE DAY IT IS

LSM, ISM, I,SM1WT -

TAffi3 A PUFF, TARE A PUFF AND YOU 4iILL AORFE

LSM, LSM, LSbII+T IS THE ONLY CIGAFETPE FOR M6

PRE ONLY CIGARET2E FOR ME IS LUCRY STRIRR

JUST TARE OUT PUFF AND YOU'LL AGSM ' . THAT UJCIQES HAVE A BE'M'i TASTE THEY'RS .TOASTF,D TOASTED, YOU .Kf70W THF.'Y'RE TOASTED

7NW TOASTED, UJCIQES AR3 A TOASTED CIGARE'ITE

WfG1T A HAP; WHAT A HAP, ':!RAT A HAPPY DAY

~TAKE A PUFP, .TAI E A FUFF, AND YOU WILL SAY HAPPY DAY, HAPPY DAY ' (MORE)

flrx 01 00201 69 Bs60Z0o toX1N

(asnrraav)

' m HJ6 ]6IOfII V M'I OIL SWnS SI 1%O.SFINflB mOV TI,nOC `8'3.i 5..67SI `aa5'I `SaII7b"I `S .oiS'I iIIfNn07. ENV `JNISE .'d0 WN 3iIi'8M N2oNnN NOa3 5s aaW 3M x'JnON,L ~Savnb . -- YdSy"aN3N 3SUfl7a SnH 'CTIIs / :7,l 30 )" _ . _ MON~H ~S'M---wloi~~~~ ~MON iItlW

(Q3nNISIS00)

-6- Q. (SECOND ROUTINE) -10-

JACR: Fe11Dwe, that was r¢elly grBet . .end Ib glsd you

/r--~ught them over because I knew3t s thair birthday

I s-foend I~heve'four L-Preae~the iON:ere Wh? /1 \ JACK: If iters can write in s h en evaz oincidence, hsy can write in the pre nts, too . And Uon, don / over here with those--- / - (SOUND: PfSONE RINGS)

JACK: Excuse me, I better answer that .

DON: We1% we'll run along, Jack . . .so long . JACK : So long, Don. . . (SOUND: RECEIUER UP) JACK: Hello? BAGBY: Hello, Jack . This is Charlie Begby, yourplano pleyer . JACK: Oh, hallo, Charlie : I'll tell you whet I'm.BAGBY cellirg you fo^ . . .I think I better

have my piano fixed before the next broadcast . It has

twelve broken stringe . ~ JACK: Twelve broken sLr ngs9 id you find that out?

BAGBY : Yesterday during rehesrsel . . .the ,ianitor celled it to my attention . JACAr,- Welt a minute, Cherlle . . .You've been using .t,t~-se~-piano srs . . 'r.'ow come you dldn't-knoa-thet twelve of the ~ strings were

BAGBY : Who pleys - on--t he black keys

JACK: Ob; oh, oh . . . Well, then in that cese, ve them fixed? ~ l

AT 9 01 . 0 0201 70 JACK: Charlie, do whatever you went to~ ~-12-~ ~~/+-~~ ~

BAGBY :Okey. .And another thing . . . .you're gonna vhA e to do something ~bQroyuntpnRuemley . JACK: kFrenkle?AWhst's°wrong now? BAGBY : Well, since he'a been leading the orchestra et the Hollywood Roosevelt Cinegrill, he's gotten so high-hat you can't do a thing with him . JACK : Remley, high-hat? BAGBY

: Yeah, now he has to have a gless . He won't^ r6 ink out of a bottle anymore . JACK: No : 1 BAGBY : It's demoralizing, gl ,a~Qe,et is tofor ceter . JACK: Yeah, yeah . . . . te7~C him when be gets to the broadcast . BAGBY: I vish you would . Goodbye . JACK : So long, Charlie . (SOUND: RECEIVER LOYIN) .

JACK: llm . . .ImagSne Begby, of all people, criticizing Remley .

That's a case of the pot calling the pot potted . . . . . Those musiciens really are------

ROCH: SAY, BOSS, TFL MAIL JUSP CAMs^ .

JACK : Oh good . . .give it to me . RGCH : THERE'S NOTHIACr MUCH, JOST THIS IBTM'ER : Let's see . . JACK -

_ (SOUND: IEI'TSR BEING TORN OPEN . . .PAP.LR RIFFLIIM)

11 r 9 o 1 oo 2 o 1?1 -12-

JACK: Oh. . .it's from the Celifornia Bank . . .It's about the mortgage .

ROCK: HOW IAPK'i HAVE XOi1 HAD TNR MORT'GAGB ON THAT BANK?

JACK: Oh, just a few years . They pay regularly . . . Say, Rochester, I haven't had e thing to eat yet . Fix ma e

sandwich or something, will you .

ROCH: YES, SIR . - (SOUND: LOOR BUZMER) ROCH : WANf ME TO ANSWEft THE DOM OR,'.~, U~ J

JACK: ?to, you go .a`~timake ~ . .~.I-'11 answer it . . .DOOR OPENS) . ~~~ POOTSTEPS

JACK: Nell, MAe-Se a surprise .

ARTIE : ?.ello, Mr . Benny. .

JACKo MR . KIT ZCL.

(APPLAU SE it-K JACK: G., it's nice seeing you Mr . Kitzel . ~ ARTIE: Mutual . . .But I~ o eak you a favor . JACK: A favor? ARTIE : °e4from now on, .4hen you're driving to the radio studio, co4d you possibly give me e lift?

JACK\ `qertainly . . .but attpwhy? . CYUt Dy IJ'S ARTIE :m working there as en usher . . .It'ste pert timsjoblll to raise a little money .

JACK: Oh.

ARTIE : Yw-eee, I'll need the extra money because around the . middle of next month Pm expecting en addition toayn':~

family .

prxo 1 00 2 0 3 72 -~(J 4 Slin (* Q,n, aeA~i¢r . U d-- _-13- JACK : MR7., isn't that nioe . . .What-0o you went, tM .~Kitzel, a

boy or e girl?

ARTI3: Either one would be delightful . JACK : Yeah .

ARTIE : But unfortunately it's my mother-in-lew /6m~ingw"for e visit . JACK : Oh . . . the way you put St, I thought you were expecting a

bundle from heaven . ARTIE: A bundle she is, but from heaven, this is doubtful .

JACK : Oh. . .well, since you had to take another job, I suppose you like it at the studio . / LCK ARTIE: Oh yes . . .it's very ple sant . . .eC.e~pe~ci~alYl~[y~, vfor fie . . . . I i~ke to be around . ec ot-P§ . . .musicTe s . . .and

singers . . . . especiellysingers .

JACK: Oh, you like good singingJ ,eP\ ?

ARTIE : Definitely . . .on this subject I'm e CUmespae~&ee u; L I collect records end everything .

JACK: Really . . . . . well, tell me . . .who's your favorite singer? ARTIE : Nst "King" Cohen . ~,C

JACK: No, no, Mr . Kitzel .d .it's M "King" ~AMe . .Cole . ARTIE: Cold, cool . . .he' real gone . ~~~~~~ ~V'Y'

(APPIAUSE )

(SOUND: COUPLEFOOTSTEP3 . .DOOR OPEN . .COUPL& DIMg RAITLING)

ATM 0 1 -00201?3 JACK: Is my sandwich reedg, Rochester? ROCH: IN A MINCTE. .WAS THAT DBNNIS DAY AT THE DOOR? JACK: No, it was Mr . Kltz91 : OH. . .WEf.L, RRMER'IDERWHAT. ROCH YOU SAID. . . . . 41ELvN MR. DAY DOES COME, DON'T IZT HIM GET YOU INTO ANY CONVEL23ATIONS . . .JUST MAKG HIM SIN3 . JACK: Don't worry, I'll do it . . . .Oh Rochester . . .insteed of coffee . . .I'll have tee today. ROCH : YES SIR, . YOU WANT IT WITH 3UGAR AND CREAM? ~ JACK: . . .Nnnn oooo . . . uat a slice of lemon : IT'LL HAVE TO BE A SLI OF OR , COIIMNS.ROCH DON'T HP.VE A IEM0 TREE JACK : Yes, the It's just that a bra doesn't grow over 0 our yerd . . . I can't understand it . . . Well,. - e been throwing Vigero n&t every dey maybe it -- (SOUND: $GOR BU ~d; ROCH:WANt ME TO G8T 2IT?

JACK : No, that must be Ibnnis Wlei3sq . .I'll answer it .

ROCH : OKAY, BOSS, AND REh S hIDER WHAT YOU--- JACK : I'll remember, I'll remember . (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPENS) I&.NNIS : He11o Mr . Benny--- JACK: ~31ng your song Dsnnis

I6NNI3: Say, Mr . Benny, do you know that--- JACK : Sing your song, IAnnis . IENNI9: I will, but I want to tell you that---

JACK: Don't talk, just sing .

ATHQ1~~~ 0020 :174 . 1 DENNIS : But I thought you'd be interested in the --- ~,, Gk , hcrw . : JACK: Not int . . .A Corce on over to the pieno .

(eOUND: SFVVERAL FOOTSTEPS)

JACK: Now sit down at the piano and sing your song .

(SOUND : SCUFFLING OF BENCH)

JACK: Good, just sing .

DENNIS : But Mr . Benny, I only wanted to tell you ---

(SCUND: ABOUT SIX KEYS IN A BUNCH OF THE

PIANO ARE HIT TCGETH6R IN ONE LCUD

CHORD)

DENNIS : CUCH:

JACK: Sing or I'll push your head down again .

DENNIS : Okay, I'll sing . (APPLAU85) 1'(i~~ (LENNIS' SCNG -- (APPL4USE)

Rrx 01 0020175 '466"

(THIRD AOUPINE) -16-

DENNIS : Mr. Benny, now that I finished my song, I think I ought to tell you-- JACK : Don't tell me a thing . .you came over to sing your song . . .

you sang it . .now I'll walk you to the door and you can go home.

(SOt1HI) : FOOTSTEPS SDSTAIN IN B .G .) DEIU7ISe But, Mr. Benny -- JACK : No bu te . .you sang , now go . .Here's the door .

(301 NID : DOOR OPSNS . .NOW WE NEAR AN APFROACHIN] n SIi~N AND FIRg BELL AND TRpCK STOPPINO)

JACK : 9..w0aeh,ro fire engine, I wonder why it ' s 'stopping here.

DENNIS : I tried to tell you, your house ie on fire . JACK : Well, of all the -- . DENNIS : I tried to tellhim, bu~t al~l he said was (MVIICS JACK) . "Sing ~~ oTi~~~EttST"k . .juet aing . .not~interested-- sing or I'll push your face down again!!" Nobody ever lis e~1 s We I JACK: ON,tBM~RUBIN : (OFF) Don't get exoited, Mieter . .we got everything under control .

JACK : .ree~ou sure, chief? RUBIN : Yeali/~I it was just a emall rubbish fire . .it'e all out . .no ~p damage at all.

JACK:UGood, good . . .Thanks a lot .

RDBIN : You' re weloome . . so long : DOOR CLOSESi. (SOADID

JACK: Dennis, I want to tell you something. DENNIS : Yes sir7

RTYSO1 : 0020176 -17-

I~~'1p1~ admit it was my fault for not letting you talk . . . bu~t~il'°you can sit there and calmly sing a,eong in a house that you think is on fire, then I know there's something wrong with you and I'm going to .do something about it . . y, thie is exoiting,-I'm gonna get fired . \

JACK: You're not getting fired . .you're a good singer, and I need you on my show . .But once and for all, Itm going to ~ d .aomething about the silly way you oar on .

DENNIS : t are you going to do? \ JACK: Never mind, just come with me . .we t re going down town . . ~, Colr+Fkq~enAn 60ope on . . .9re,p^en . TTRANSTTION MUSIC)

(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS IN NALL . .STOP) .

JACK: This is the office we want, Dennis . . DENNIS : Gee, look what it says on the door . .DootoP Neinrich Schultz, Psyohiatrist .

JACK : That's right .

DENNIS : Well, it's about time .

JACK: It certainly is .

DENNIS : You should have gone to him a long time ago .

JACK : It ' s not for me . it ' s for vou . . .Now come :on In . . . . (SOAHI) : DOOR OPENS) BEA : Yessir . .what can I do for you? .

JACK : I ' m Jack Benny. .I phoned Dr . Sohultz ai'dmade an

ap_,pintment for Dennis Day .

BEA : Oh yes . . .Is this Mr . Day? .

DENNIS : Yes ms ' am .

liTYSO 1 . 0 020177 -18-

BEA ; Hae he ever been here to see the doctor before?

JACK : No, Yf~MO-Ay~ BEA : Well, before you can go in and see the dootor, I'11 have to ask you aome questiona, .Your fu1L name?DENNIB : Dennis Day .

EEA : Your vife ' s name?

DENNIS : I ' m not married .

SEA : Parents?

DENNIS : Two . ffiA : I knov you have two of them . .but vhat are'their names?

DENNIS : Mr . and Mrs . Day . -

BEA : I know that, too .ibut I vant to know their first names . . vhat do they call each other . _

DENNIS : I :11 tell the doctor, but I won't UA 1 you . JACK : ffi;A : Wait a minute . .do y ou mean that your father calls .yo

----11,twh namea you I re ashamed to repea ont of a lady?'

DENNIS : It ' s my motherlr do caLling . I ffi:A : . . . .Mr .~en , are you eur i s never been here to see I

e doctor before? IS : . . .No ma' em . .I've never been to a psychi at before . '-, BEA :~ . .We11 . . .better late than never . . .,I~ll tell the dootorj yroulre here . . . (SOIIfID : CLICK OF 1MPERCOM) RY : (FILPER) (BLIGRT VIENNESE) Yes, Miss Roberts . BEA : Dennis Day, your new patient is`here : Well, eend him right in . ~ . HY

80 RT 7 0020178 1 i BY : The tape r¢eoiaer. .but vhy? ~ BEA : Nh u report this one to the Medical Co~ Sntion, `~ you+ll need proof .

All right, fust send (SOUNO : CLICK) . You may go in now, Mr . Day .

6eer. (SOOND_~ ~ STEPS . .DOOR OPENS) :

HY : How do you do,lJON Dr . Schultz . . . JACK : I'm Jack Benny . .and this is the young man I talked to you . about. .Dennia Day : How do you do . .Nov. RY Mr . Day, I think ve better get right . down to business . ~ DENNIS : Yes, air . HY : Supposing you tell me all about yourself . .st9rting with I your e4rllest memorie ' J !ri"vC2~r ~~ .Yme9H@~C~~~hC~Z1 DENNIS : Wel1 . :AlyriZiiTd U0 ~o ' cure .l You`eee, I vas born . in New York„hbut~when I was five months old, my parents moved to Buffalo, then six months later they :moved to ~

Chicago, and two months later they moved to Cleveland, ~ U and a haLf/lyear later they moved to Pittsburgh : They moved to PittebuY~gh, eb? . HY ~ DENNIS : Yeat9~that's where I flnally caught up with them . I

fl T YSD.1 0020179 -20-

AY : Wait a minute . .Mr.'8enny . .he must be exsggerating . .his parente couldn't have deserted him that often .

JACK : They couldn ' t, eh??. . .DoctorDennis has been left on more

~r-' .~}L doorsteps than the Loa Angeles Times . EY :IrI,~,u.Very intereatSng. . .Yery intereating. .

JACK.: Well, I hope you can help him, Doctor . .Ne l e been with me

for years now, and his silly behavior has made me grey before my time .

BY : Rea11y . . .Eov old are you, Mr . Benny?

JACK : Thirty-nine . V`W'_ NY : Skmm . . .well, one case at a time . . .Nov/~getting back to your ohildhood, Mr. Daydkl you ever ave any accidents?

DENNIg : No, air . ~ JACK: Wait a minute, Dennis . .you had an accident~vhen-you were a!

DENNIS : No, I ~t . JACK : But what about tZtst_tipe'§our mother was bathing you au3

she dropped you

DENNIS : That Was acoldent. /

JACK : Oh .

DENNIB : e wasn ' t holding .me out of that third story window to I

VC, . I

Wait a minute young man . .you mean your mother---` .,%~

~( (SOUND : INCERCOM BUZZER) . . NY : (.'G'1 Excuse me, my nurse is buzzing me . . . (90DM) : COIIPLE FOOT3TEPS . .CLICK) NY : Yes, nurse? .

fliX01. .0020980 1 -21-

BBA : Oh, doctor, Mr . Jones ia waiting outside to see you . HY: Jones7 . .Jones7

: L71 , You remember, Doctor . .the man who thinke he's a St . Ber < . . RY: Oh yes .t ell, I I m very busy right nox .,He ' ll have to wait

quite a ahile . .I hope he w o n ' t mind . BEA : Oh, he won't . .he's got a keg of brandy tied-around his neck. . .I'll tell him,iwr. .(UP) Mr . Jones, the doctor is busy now . . pleasr. be seate3 .

MEL : (OFB) TRRRg BABKS, AHI7 THEN A RIC OR DRUNKEN BARK)

Now Mr . D .for the .rest of the examination, I should like you to 14e down on that oouoh . OEH : Yes air . \~ (SOUPm : UPlE FOOTSTEPS . .SOUM_1 UCH SPRIN39 ~ OIIEP ING)

DBNNIS : Gee, this cou s HY : Oh, siLly me, or tell my last patient to get up

and go . . Smith, you calome now . (SOUND : COUPLE FOOTSTNPS: snaR OPENS & CLOSES) DF~N•IIS : Look, Doctor, there's nothing ~ong th acd I-- JACK : Dennis, keep quiet . .let the do \1~ inish•his e ination . HY:~ Chat's a good 1dea . . .Now Dennis, going g ve to 1 you the

word association test .

D&NNIS : Word aasociationR :(~ That'a right . .I'11 say one,Qxd ary~ u . . la ely say 1~ r~ the first vord that comes 1~An or oe -- rain .

RT 9 010020 1 81 DENNIS : Snow .

RY : Black .

DENNIS : White .

BY : Red . (~

DENNIS : Blue .

RY : 6reen . {'n

JACK : Money. . ~1 CLt-c- RY : Mr . Benny, you keep out of this . . .Now look, *hi+iv wasting time, and after all, you know my fee is twept9-five dolLars an hour .

JACK : Gosh, that ' s a lot--I didn ' t realize it was going to

cost you that much, Dennis .

DENNIS : Cost me? It was your idea to bring me here . . .you're gonna pay for it

: W~R,~p should I pay . JACK for it . .I'm doing it for vo^ .

DENNI3?~ -I'didn't want to come here, I'm happy being fILlv.

RY : Well, somebody's going to pay for it, I don :twork for nothing

. (~S(O`~IIPID : DOOR BURSTS OP,EN FAST)

BEA: (EXCITED~~FIm awfully sorry, Doctor, but Mr . Jones won't wait any longer+ he's omi g in .

JACK : Look, Doctor, if you th{in~kAI'm going te--- RY : Mr . Jones, you go baok Aq the waiting room . MEL: (BARKS TWICE) .

RY : Mr . Jones, go back, I eay. . .I don't like the way youlfpLLl .Ci behaving . . (BARKS '11iICE)

fliN01-002 01 82 -23-

HY : Mr. Jones, control yourself . . . (

."A• .0W.Wkw. HY : 1 ulw,Mr . Benn9, you brought this young man up here .

MEL : (HARKB WITH HAPPY PARi'IN} , AND CONtINfIIffi PANPRA)

JACK: Dr . Schultz, if you think for one minute that I'm going

to pay you for -- MR . JONE3, STOP LICKIIQ7 MY FACEl . . . .

Come on, Dennis, let's get out of here . .I'11 settle for

you the way you are . (APPLAUSE & PLAYCFF)

pr 901 002018 3 SFsP #A

N~OVSFNJACK ~6IDtB28,~195~~M CIDSIN6 CONMERCIAL

WILSON : Jack will be back in just a minute,, but first --

the Sweetheart of Lucky Strike . . .Mies Dorothy

Collins!

(TRANSORIBSD) "If you want better taste f r om you c!g-aJrette, FULL SONG ; Lu~ Stri ke Sa the brand to get!

IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet It's the toasted (CL4P . . .CLAP, CLAP) oig-e-rette!

They take f ne tobacco, it's 1i2ht+tobacco, it'e

mild tobacco, too . Then IT'S TOASTID, yes, IT'S TOAST'BD, because the'toasting brings the flavor right through.

So, to get better taste from your oig-a-rette Luc Strike is the brand to get! IT'S TOASTEb to give you the best taste yet, It's the toasted (CIAP . . .CIAP, CIAP) cig-a-rette!

WIISON ; Friends, your en j oyment of a cigarette is just as

simple as that! (SLSYn'!S, WITH PS.ffR1SIS) If you

want better taste from your cigarette - Luc

Strike is the brand to get . It's toasted to

taste better . Naturally, Lucklea',better taste

begins just where you'd expect it to begin .

( MORE )

FTYf01 : :0020184 T. ------G SI.rP #A a- TBg JACK BEPRlY PRWRAM NGVEmIDSR 28, 1954 CIQSING COMMFdtCIAL (CONT'D) WII80N ; With fine tobacco . L3/MFT - Luolq Strike means (CONT'D) fine tobacco . And then -- that tob9oco is toested . "IT'S TOASTgD" -- the famous Luoky

Strike process -- tones up Luckiea' naturally

good-taeting tobacco to meke it taste even

better . Cleaner, fresher, s m other . So next time . . . get better taste . Get Luoky Strike .

/i7iANSCRIBED COLLINS WITH FULL OFN;B. B .G .) If you vant'better taste from your oig-a-rette,

Lucky Strike ie the brand to get : IT'S TOASTID to give you the best taste yet,

It - s the toasted (CIAP . . .CIAP, CLAP) oig-a-rette :

HiH 0 1: 0 02 0 185 ROCH : BOSS, YOU BST1'ER HURRY UP AND GET CHANGBD . YOU'VE GOT

TO DD A ISION SHOW TONIGHT .

JACK: YeehJlI~b~ rr hurry . ROCH: SHALL I FIX SONGTHIN3 TO Ma1T FOR YOU AND t6i .DAY?

JACK: No, we're not hungry . ROCH : WfLRE WERR YOU 80 LON3? : I took D3nnis to a psychiatrist and . JACK he's cured . ROCH : REALLY?

JACK: MmV from now on he'll never say anything stupid . . .

Will you, Dennis? . IENNIS: (BA ) ~f,~~ . JACK: Oh, ~£ee you on television, folks . (APPLAUSS AND MJSIC)

Rr 801 :, 0 0 2 0 1 e 6 -27-

DON: The Jack Benny Program tonight was written by Milt Jose£sberg, John Tackaberry, Al Gordon, $al Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard'Nerks .

The Jack Benny Program is brought to you .by Lacky Strike,

product of the American Tobacco Company -- America ' s leading manufacturer of cigarettes .

Ar7S01 •.0020187 (TAG) -27-

DON: The Jack Benny Program tonight was written by Milt ( Josefaberg, John Tackeberry, Al Gordon, Hal Goldman,

and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks .

The Jack Benny Program is brought to you by Lucky Strike,

product of the American Tobacco Company -- America ' s

leading manufacturer of cigarettes .

D'l

ATHOI 00201 ee

Yl •

W .B .N . ' r ~R~ _~~CSRIPT

AMERICAN TOBACCO CINAPANY IACHY STRII(E THB JAC%SENNY PR00 (~-afd+-•---RRN

SUNII4Y DECETIAffi2 5 1954 C&4 4 :00 - 4 :30 PN 8T -jP:enec:aoea UCLOO63 J& lyy+/ .

CAST : JACK BENNY ' ROCR&9TBR DENNIS MY DON WILSON . MEL BiANC BEA BffiNMRET FRANK NSI80N ' MAHIAN NSRRICK 3EEIAON L80NARD

VEOIA VONN ARTIN AUERfl4C%

8 .TXO1 0 020990 oPENIIiQ Co0IA1~. (R~gV~SHD) -A-

WIIBCN : THg JACK BENNY PRCCRAN . . . transcribed-and

presented by IA1cky Strike . . . the cigarette thst'a . toasted to taste better

( TRANypSgCpISED : . If you vant better taste from your cig'-a-rette,

VSRSION R oF Lucky Strtk is the brand to get : SONG-37 SEC . IT ' S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet . It's the toas (CIAP . . . CIAP, CIAP) cig-a-rette .

They take fnetobacco, it's light tobacco, it's it's mild tobacco, too

Then M S TQSSTBC, yes, IT'S TOASTED,

because the toasting brings the flavor right through . So, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get :

IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the tosa d(CIAP . . . CIAP, CIAP) clg-a-rette :

WIISCN : This is DonWilson . The song you justheaM hee an important message for evervone vho smokes .

The sure way to get better taste from your

cigarette is to make sure you get Lac4 Strike .

It ' s toasted to taste better . Of course the better

taste of a Lucky begins vlth fine tobacco . And then,

that fine tobacco is toasted . "IT'S TOASTED" --

the famous Lucky Strike process -- tones up this

naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco to make it taete

even better . Cleaner, Fresher, Smoottpr . Yes, a

Lucky tastes better because it's the o7.garette of

fine tobacco and it's toasted . . . to taste better .

So -- Be Happy -- Go Luoky!

fiU4 0 7 002 0 799 -1-

(FIRST ROUtINE) . (AFPER COFIDfERCIAL, i+lUSIC UP AND DOWN) DDN : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITH M4RY LIVINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, DENNIS p4Y, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPIAUSE) (MUSIC,UP AND DOWN)

DON : L9DIES AND GDNTLII.IGN . . .THIS IS THE MIDDLE OF-T}H : CHRISTt4AS

SHOPPING SEASON, AND AS USUAL, JACK IS GOINGTO HIS

FAVORITE DEPARTMRNT STORE TO PURCHASE GIFPS FOR HIS GAGCr . . .

~M. . .B&FORE WE GO CHRISTMAS SHO ..PING, I D TAKE YOU TO A MOI&'ST LITTLE HOME IN THE SUBURBS OF ~, . . ., HOME BEIANGS TO A IEPARTMENT STORE S0.IESMAN AND HI6 WIFE . . .IT IS FIVE OICLOCK IN THE MORNIIiG .

MEL: ( SNORES THREE TIPI•IfsS NORMALLY . . . THEN HE WHIMPSRS AS HE

SNORES . . . THEN THE WHIMPERING TURNS INTO FRIGHTENED CRYING OF

A MAN HAVING A TERRIBLE NIGHTMARE .)

MEL : (SNORSS AND CRIES) BEA : Me1vi11e : MEL : (SNORES AND HAS ITYSTRICS) BEA : MEL, WAhE UP . v~ I _ MEL : (SNORES AND WAKES UP STARTLED7 ~noh? What? BFA : You were having a bad dream . MEL :64,0h, yetQ c4~ that same nightmsre . . .I alvays have it this time p~w year, Beatrice . BE4 : About that blue-eyed old msn that comes to the store for

his Christmas shopping? ' lf

Rrx 01 002 0 192 d

_2_

MEL : Yeah . . .only this dream was worse . . .I looked at his hands

and instead of fingere . . .he had shoelaces . . .on one hand

the fingernails were plastic tips, and~the other hand was

metal tips . Why do I always have to dream about him .

REA : Now Mel, control yourself . . .Maybe he won't come into the store this year . MEL : Oh, heIll come . . .he'11 come . . .He's been coming in and driving me nuts for over fifteen years

: Well, don't worry about it . . .Maybe be's. Hr4 mellowed . . .maybe he'll be kinder now that he's getting old : He was old~~fift en years ago . . MEL .

BEA : Look, Mel ;C .'~ you go to the store . . .und during a4y lunch hour,

I - 11 come down to your department . . . and if you ' ve had any

trouble, I - 11 relieve you . . .Anyway, there ' s very little chance of seein you now that you're in the art department . 1-' t's right, Beatrioes, . .he don't look like the kind of gu~r

who would go __-in .-for psinting he ain't the artistic type . ~'t` '-'fl ville, we better start getting rea or~? T .and y_ou know hov the store.ke I late for work_th_3,&_m ,~ I I =.hat~,hen a ..yone+s late durir,g Okay, Beatrice . ~ (TRANSITION MUSIC)

(SOUND : DEPARTMENT STORE NOISE . . . BELLS, ETC .)

RT 90 1 : 00201 .93 -3 -

ROOH : MR . BENNY, YOU IVE STIid. GO't QUITE A FEW MORE NAMES ON YOUR CHR~IaSTi~WB LIST . JACK : Yes.l~. .i still have to get something for uoer and and my writers . That's the biggest prob3em / getting g for my writers . IId get 9omething

their houses . . .if th in houses . .'.but they' weird .

ROCH : NOW WAIT A MI , BOSS. . .THE ONE WITH THE IApO-AMQ

IN A . . .IT MAY BE IN A TREg, BUT IT I S A$TILL A USE . JACK :~ h. . .Look, Roohester--I want to get sometfiingfo Miss Livingstoneno~w . . .so you can do your personal shopping . : THANK YOU . ~n.AND,,, ROCH WILL IT BE ALL RIGHT IF I CHAkYiE MY TIRNOS TO YOUR ACCOUNT? JACK: Charge it? What happened to the Christmas Bonus I gave you?

ROCH : I LOST IT

: Lost your bonus?. JACK Gambling? ROCH : OH NO . . .I HAU A HOIE IN MY POCKET AND IT R0L7juD HOJN A SENER. JACK: Now wait a minute, Rochester . . .stop making up jokes . . .I gave you a twenty-five dollar check for a Christmas Bonus . ROCH : I KNOW, MR. BENNY, BUP I CANIT CASH TfV+T CHECK UNTIL AFTER NEXT MONII4Y . JACK: . Why not? ROCH: ME AND THE CHgCK ARg APPEARING ON "YOU ASKEDFOR IT ." JACK : Oh yes . . .xe'll show them . . .I'll meet you here later, Rochester : OKAY . . ROCH (SOUND: STORE NOISES ANI) BEIJS)

flT801 . 0020194 JACY: : Gee, I still haven ' t gotten anything for Mary . . . ".

I know what I'll do . . .I ' 11 buy her a negli,gee . . .Now wher'es

the negligee depsrtment? . . .Oh, that must be the floorwalker

over there -- that msn in titriped trousers aSld /Fut~away coat ., .Oh, Mister . . .Mleter . . .

RiH 01 0020195 -5-

NELSON : YhSSSSSSSSSSBS : Are you the floorwalker?. JACK

NELSON : No, I ' m a pallbearer but my haazdle broke .

JACK: UU~ I didn ' t oome here for corny conversation. . .

All I want to knov is where I can buy a negllgee .

NELSON : On the third floor, but I don ' t think they have anything in your size . . JACK : Don't be so smart . . .Ws not for me. PA3.40N: Oh, for your wife? JACK : No, I'm not married . NELSON : Don't teil me you got to look that way all by yourself . JACK: Now out that out . . .An,yway, I don-t need you, I'll fin9 it . (SCUND : STOHE NOISffi . . .BELL4. . . . EPC) JACK : Darn, the store's ~s~_o ~Crowded, I don't think Itll ever

finiah W -- Hey, A~!-looks like my orchestra arranger, Mahlon Merrick . . .Hi, Mahlon . MAHIAN : Oh, hello, Jack . JACK: Doing your Christmas shopping, eh?

MAHI.ON : Yes 4,Ai-lo getting^gifts for the boys in the bard . JACK : Gee, it's a nuisance isnit it trying to

ShII.DON: (CCMIti~ IN) H1 ya, Bud, long time no sie .

JACK : Huh?qM1KO~h, 6110,

SkELDON : So long, BuD. .see you arourd .

JACK: Yeah, yeah . . .goodbye .

MAHLON• Jack, who was that fellow?

JACK : ,~'~Oh, he's a race track tout . . : f ^ I got to inish shopping . . . So long,Mabll/ .on.

fiT 8 01 . 0020196 -~-

MAffi.CN : Ch, just a second, Jack : Yes ? . JACK MNNIQN~ :~ I'm,having a big party on New Years Eve and -- JACK :'~ ~I know, 4119- you've already invited me . MANIAN : Yes, and I thought that since you've given so many parties, you could help we out a bit . . .Youaee, I've already hired a caterer, and I thought you might recoumend a good bartender . JACK : Well, now that's the silliest thln^ s good

money on a bartendeS . . .Why don't you get one of the boys in your ban9?~ . . Get F&nk Hemiey . . .opbody knows more about drinks than he does .

MAHI.CN : No, I wouldn't try that again, Jack . . .He tra6 the

bartender at the last party I gave . JACK :)ra.z, What happened ?

NANLAry:cowa•he first guest to arrive walked up and ordered a Scotch and soda . JACK : Uh huh .

NAHIAN : Remley bent down, got the Scotch, ant never came up again .

JAC". : No kidding . .Well, thanks for inviting me .1111 see you .--F-.L,:,,- New Years , MAHIAN : Good . . .and Jack, if you run into Don Wilson, see if you

can persuade him tocome to the party, too . JACK : Persuade Don Wilson ? NAHIAN : Yes . . .he never wants to go anywhere since hB's taken4 up painting as a hobby . J

fi7X07 .0020997 I'm glad you meptiOned that, ~ . as vorried~ vhst ge . . . n . . .nW ,,,~

I'll get hLn~ome paints . . .I'm going to the art """"""y °~'--~ I deparhnent .,~.aee you iater . T(BCUND : STORg NOISES AND( BELLS \ v)~ JACK : ~5 they sure have everything -POr-tts.K•-rtisthere.pe . . . . Hmm, where's the salesman . . .Oh, there he is . .(CALLS) Oh clerk . . .clerk .

MEL : (COMING IN) Yes sir, vhat can I 00000HEH1iH66h it's you again . JACK : Huh?

MEL : How do Juu find me every year . .you got radar or

samthing? .

JACK : What are you talking about? . .

MEL : (TO HII43EiF) Gee, he doesn't recognise me . . .maybe

everything's going to be okay .

JACK : What are .vpu mymbling about, Cierk? W-K e-K-> MEL : -(CHNN~OL ~Nothing, nothing . . .vhat can I do 1'or you, sir?

JACK : Well, a friend of mine has taken up painting as a

~Q Vy, and I'd l'YiIk~e~ to get him a nice set of paints .

MBL :~ ~ Very good, sir h' .~v hera's a set that's very pop :lar

and reasonable, too . . .St's only nine ninety-flve .

JACK : Well gee, those tubes of paint seem very small .

MEL : 4 a;Tbat's right, sir . . .but they're the best paints, and

in addition to the primary colors it also contains such exotic colors as veimillion, chartreuse, turpuoiae,

cerise, heliotrope, citron, p,irple fuachia, cardinaL

red, burnt orange, midnight blue, and shocking pink .

HTY(O1; 0020198 JACK : Ye4lit has a~ ~lo~t~ . . :Say, that's a beautiful color right there .':~fie most beautiful color I've ever seen . . what do you call it? MEL : Money ~g"reen . JACK : #i . .rrell, I'll take St . . .Now I'd like it gift . wrapped . MEL : Yes e1r . . .I'11 be baok in a second with it . (SOUND : COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS . . .STOP . . .SOUPID (&' PACKAGE BEING WNAPPID)

MEL : (TO HIA14EIF) e, he didn't even recognize me . . .and he T didn't give me t beh least bit of trouble . .In fact, he was

real aweet . .(SINGS TO HIMSEIF) Oh boy, I`m lucky, I'll

say I'm lucky, dis is my lucky day . . . -WA&V4q6*AVW4-

°~i.~UheL-'lo0ffis~Ey .~°-'~~ ~'~ (SOUND : FEW FOOTS'PEPS)

MEL 6Bere you are, sir . .that'11 be ten and a quarter including tax .

JACK : Ten and a quarter? . .Gee, that seems like a lot to pay for

just a few paints . .

M¢L :ff4VNot when you consider what you're getting . . .Most people

don't mind paying the extra money for oil paints . . . they last so much longer than the water colors .

JAC;: : Oh . . .you have water colors, too? MII. : Me and my big stupid mouth . . . . .I bad to teli :him yet . . .I couldn't let well enough alone . . .I ha3 to teli him : C1erk, how muchfP =th@ V te~ oolor set? . JAC" MEL : Three ninety~ive„ but efJ're not near as nice as these d 4~ Jeh~ TB

Rr 9o 1 oo 2 o 199 -9-

3ACIH .`hree ninety-five? Let me see a set of water oolo

MEL : But er, I've already got these gift ed . . .with extra ribbon . .It's boautifulr our friend will love it . JACK : Let me see the vs

D EL : But the oil is b8tter . . .it's er . . .your friend it better . The water colors ar esier . . .they 't lest as long . . .they'11 run . . .and theyheven that beautiful color- money green . - JACK: I don't care . . .I want to see the water color set . MKL: Okay, okay . . .I'll have to climb this ladder to get it . : : It's on the top shelf . __(gOUND : LADDffi't1 BBINO ChIMBE9. . .SCSTAIN IN B .6 .)

M6 : I hadda tell him - j t:adda tell him . :I wish I could paint

red spots on my face so he l d think I had small pox and

he'd go away . .I wish I h~ small pox . : .Ehhhh, it wouldn't do any good . ~t~y's lived so long he mustbe immune to everything . : .But it's my own fault . : .Here's the vater oolor~et, Mister : . .Look at it, look at it . JACK: Sayyyy,^tlooks okay MEI, : . But it's only got five colors . .gray, blue, tilaok, red, and dirty brown . .

JACK : I don't care, it's three ninety-five,^I'll take it . . .Now

gift wrap it, and I'll be back .

MEL : I know you wiil, I lmow you will . . , JACK : Never mind . .(TO BIp14ELF) Now let's see . . .what else do I have to get . . .0ee, I still haven't gone to the lingerie department for Mary's gift .

(BOIIND : STORE NOISES AND BELJ„4) VEOLA : Yes . . .what can I do for you, young man? DFNNI8 : I!d like to buy a Christmas gift for my mother .

R i Yi01 0020200 -10.

VSOL0. : Well, a negligee is always a very suitable gift . . .Nov here's a lovely one that I'm sure would .please your mother .

DENNIS : Nnnno . . .she woulAn't like that one . . .she never vears

anything with a lov neckline .

VEOIA : Oh . . .is she modest? DENNIS : No, she's tattooed . V&pIq : . . .Weli, here's something that might suit your mother more .

DENNIS : Gee, that looks nice . . .only I'd like it .in a brighter

color . . .You see, .my father is always depressed, and

k~,~ bright colors cheer him up :/[ece,We have a large selection . VEOIAof colors . . .but tell .me, what size does your mother wear? DENNIS : Oee, . .I don't knov . . .but she's about as .tall as you are . VEOIA : Oh. . . .Does she have my build?

DEHNIS : If she did, my fbther wouldn't need cheering up, ..o~ VEOLA : W_e i l, .^how does this one seem?

DENNIS : CS~~L'~' that looks .about the right s1ze . . .I think she'll

like it very much . . .Will you wrap it up and charge it,

please?

C3'OIA : Yes, sir . ^who sheii I charge this to? . D$NNIS : To me . . .My name is Dennis Day . VSOIA : (IMPNESSBD) Dennis Day? DENNIS : Uh huh .

VSOLI : The singer? .

DENNIS : Yes, ma'em .

Rrxoi-oo 2 o 2 o 1 VEOIA : (GUSHY AND OCMPHy)~Oee, Mr . Aay, I'm one of your most

ardent fans . . .I buy all your records and .everything. . .

Why, when I hear you sing, I just quiver.and shake all over . . (FAST, SIIi03) Three Coins in the Fountain -- each one

eng happiness -__w , I'm not j oking:".°.I'm really a great Srer of yours .

DffiVNIS(a,We11 thanke . . .thanks a lot . .i? 4 ~IA : Would you . . .couid you sing a song for me?

I M IS . Now? Nere in the atore? VBQIA : Yes . . le Um wrapping y xeaent . .ase epeciel favor to me . . n't please sing a song? D$t7NIS : Okay, quiver s , '11 be glad to . (APPIAUSE) (I$SRiNIS'SO --) (AFF )

RTYlQ7 0020202 ging . 3 : You're quite welcome . JACK: (COMING .IN) Dennis ennis :-

DE tNIS : Auh? Oh, hello, Mr . Benny . JACK :yJwc, I heard you singingc~`i uas vay on the other side of the store but I thought it xas a record

: Maybe that's because I've got a hole. DENNIB in my head . JACK: Hmmm .

DENHIS : Well, I've got to run along, Mr . Benny . . I still have

~ of shopping to do .

JACK: Same here . So lonm, kid . . (CALLS) Oh, Miss, Miss .

V7UTA : Yes, eir .

:~~'~" I'd like to get a gift for a girl friend . . JACK . . VHOIAUwr,Just a moment, sir . : .that man at the end of-the counter xas here first .

JACAU.kL,That'a quite cll right . . .(HOM3 JINGLE BELLS)

ROCH: (COMING IN) OH, THr.~iE YOU ARE, M:t . Bn3QNY . .

JACK: YesA Rochester . . .did you finish *W youra Qj1jMj%Wft shopping? ROCH: USI HUH, . .I EVET] GOT A PRERIIVT B'OR YOU . . JACK: Oh, that's nice ., what is it? ROCH : OH, NOY/ WAIT TILZ. C14tIBTMAS : As: come on, tell me, rtochester. JACK . . . .you knoW how I hate

eaiting . . Is it something I cen wear?

arxo I 0020203 -13-

. ROOH : UH HUH. JACK: Is it somathing I'd wear ebove the velet? RCCH : UH HUH . .

JACK ; A shirt? , ROCH : NOPE .

JACK : Hnemmn., .is it something I veer above the shoulders? ROCH : UH HUH : I've got . JACKit---it's a hat! .

ROCH : NO, BUT IT'S RIGHT UNJFR IT . . JACK : , ., .Well, that's a strange gift to give ms . . . . Why should you get me that? _

ROCK : WELL, I RUINED ONE 0F YOUR GOOD ONE9 . . . . I T,134IEW IT IIV THB ,BEN617C AND ALL THg CpRL9 CAME CUTs-/--ZA .

JACK: MnMs . .Well, don't throv it svay,,,eave itin case I ever

get the part of en Iidian in a picture .

ROCH : OKAY . . . . AR1's YOU DONS WITH YOUR SHOPPING, MR . BSNNII?

. JACK : Not quite . . .but you know I elways have troub].e getting something for Don Wllson . . .end this tfas I think I got him

a gift he'll like . . .s set of paints .

ROCH : OH, HE SHOULD LIKE TBAT, BO,SS ., .WfU':NEVER HB 8$F.S ME, 13

TAI88 TO ME ABOVf PAINTING .,,HEIS REALLY CRAZY ABOUP THAT

HOBBY .

JACK: I know . . .and I got him a lovely set of vater colors . ROCH : WATER COIAR4?~E'5 WAY BEYOND THAT,,,FOR THE PA4T FEW MONTHS HB'S BEEN PAINTING WITH NOTHING BUY OILS .

JACK: Oils? Are you sure?

`- ROCR : I'M POSITIVE .

Rrsco 1 oo2 o 2 oe -14-

JACK : (TO HIM3ELF) So Don only uses oil peinte . . .(UP) Excuse me, Rochester,,,I'11 see you later. '

(SOUND : ST ORE NOISES & BELL9)

MEL : (SINGING DOIEFWSI) Don't know why, there's no sun up in

the sky, .,8tormy Weather . JACK: (COMING ON) Oh clerk ., .clerk,

MEL: Oh, it's you egain . . . .Rere's your water colors . . .ell gift

wrapped and everything .

JACK(LL.PP, I've changed my mirB, I want the o_ils . MEL: (CRYING AND BUILDING W)r^l~o, no,~t~ can't be happening to me .~I lead a good 11fe, nI'm kind to my mother . .lrf cen't be happening, it just cen't . . .-- J CR: Look, Mister --- MEL : UILDING) I know what it is . .e bad dream . . :ano of th ightmares . . .that' whet it is, tmare . . . BEATRICE, WAl. IIp, ~ 1 . . (HE CRIE3) JACK : Mister, stop shou . . aim down . MEL: Take yoir offa ms, or I' eke up snd make you d pe er. .Wa1t a minuteou're. . .it ain't e~'dreem~. .y reel . . . look a your hands . . .vou've got finaers instead of shoelaces . lz- ,(Eg-M) JACK : # look, control yourself .

MEL : Okay .,,Okay ...... I'm getting calrmr ...... I'll control myself. JACK : Good~ MEL: (CAI YAII. ) Only Mister . ~ me e favor and tell me something, will you? JACK : Certainly .

arxo 1 oo2 o 2 o 5 -15-

NE L: What business are you ]n? JACK: I'm a comedian

. MEL• J ( ING) WbLL, WHAT'S FUNNY HBOV1' =. . . .(HE CRIgS)

JACK : ~ o don't know whet you're talking ebout . .I'm not

trying to be funny . . .I just made a simple request . I went the water colors changed to oils . Now plesg9 gift vrap them

and I'll be back to pick them up later . - (SOUND : BELLS AND NOISBS)

JACK : Now let's see, I've got to Mr get Mary's gift and then --

oh darn it, I'c out of cigarettes, . 4$W onder where I can

get soma . . . . Oh, there's a cigarette machine at the end of the aisle . . . . (SO11DID : b'OOTS'II:PS) _ JACK : Here it is . . .Gee, what a fancy eigarette maohine . .NOV let's

see . .I ought to hove some change in --

SHEhDON : Hey Bud. . .Bud .

JACK : Huh?

SHELDON : Come here a minute . JACK : ~'"°, Me?

SHELDON : Yeah.T.i+hat are you doing?

JACK : I'm 'Ygetting a package of cigarettes .

SHELDON : What kind? -

JACK:~~~,~ Lucky Strikes . .

SHEIaOICtti, Lucky Strike, eh? . . . . . Smart boy . JACK : Huh?

SHELDON : You're puttin' your dough on the favorite . JACK: I know, I know .

RTYf09. . 0020,206 . SERMON : And it's a great bet across the board .

JACK : Win, place, end show?

SERMON : No, aleaner, fresher, smoother . JACK : Oh.

SERMON : And another thing . JACK: What? ~ SHEId70N : Come here a minute . JACK : Huh? : Look at the breeding. SHEIDON . JACK: The breeding? SHBIDON:It's by Sold American out of Goldsboro, North Carolina .

JACK : Well, thanks . . .thanks~very muoh.

SERMON : yMlAa gonne get a peck of Luoklss? .

JACK : VAm I gonna get a pack of Luckies?

SERMON : Yeah.

: Cose here a minute. JACK . . SHErvoN : Huh? JACK : I'm gonna get tvo peoks : Two? . SNEIpON : I'm trgin' for the Daily. JACK Double . SH6LDON : Smart boy . . .So long and Merry Christmas . JACK : Same to you . 7,

..1, _..: 7L Za ...2 g' o 't o q'i --. Hello, Mr . eenny . Why, Mr . Kitzel . ~A,P,~PLA[RE)

h '~ e m yo u coming along with your Christmas V shopping?

01 RTX ~~. .0020207 I ARTLw : Practically finlshed . M- JACK : Did you buy eome nice resente? . ,~,Q~„ ART78 : Wonderful . .eapecielly Yor ber-in-lew s'year I am giving to my mother-in-lac such a gift . .I'm proud I thought of it . . .A trip to Haaaii .

JACK : Why, Mr . Kitzel . . . . what a wonderful thing to .give a mother-in-law . . .a round trip to Hawaii ARTIE : . Who said anything about a round trip? .

JACK : IONW -- oh, oh, oh . A.Q , '9~ . ARTIE: But for mine vife, I'm getting a(MOANS IN PAIN) Ooooohhhh JA Whet's the metter7AHTIE

:\2 better got a glass of water . . . . I've got to take in. JACK : Oh. .yo ave a headache? . AHTIE : No . .mine ne just opened up a den went to him thi rning.

JACK: And you had a tooth led? ART7E : Five of them .

JACK: You had five bed

ARTIE : Only cr.e .

JACK : Then how coma y6u let him pull the oth@r four?

r, he needa the experience . ARTIE : He's e beg / JACK: Oh . ARTIg : But heAs going to be a very good dentlet . . . . Ne'e`atill s~ying hard . . .He wents to specialize in stopping p

. He's studying the nerves of teeth .

JACK :

Ib!

Rrxo 1 oo2 o 2 oe -18-

.AftTIE : yas„you should see how delicately he works . .,He remove nerves from teeth, and hangs them on tiny little r

JACK: Gosh, hat must be haMl vork! ANTIE : It's ner vrack JACK : Mr . Kitzel, u went ttu~ough all that just to tel,

joke?

ARTIE : (L+i GHS) My. .I gu I'm still a little ~]12y from the aalk ~a~ev.yxs eso~ s so .o .w ~ JACK : Oh, he used laughing gas a n anse thetic?

ARTIE : Yes, end it's the si]:liest th He puts his pliers in m

mouth, turns on the as it star . . I'm laughing, hot pulling. .he's pul , I'm leughing . .0y, subh a mish mash JACK : Gosh, I ne ad that . . .How long did you k .k laughing?j ARTIE : Until~handed me the bill . JACK: No . K ART1E : Well, I better ~ i . JACK : Okay, j .Merry Christmas, Mr . Kitzel . .

ARTIE : Happy you-tide to yule .

(90UYm : BTORE NOISE4 & BELLS UP ANO DCM'N)

VLOLA : (OOMPHY) Here you ere, sir, .,and I assure you, it's a lovely gift .

JACK : Thank you : And I hope . VEOLA you have a wonderful Christgias and do come beok again.

JACK: I don't eve;lmow if I'm going to leave . . . . . You knou, you're one of the most attractive selesgl~`,7J~-- l DON : (COMING INru Mias, can you please ---

.G-

arxo i • oozozos -7.9-

JACK: Oh, hello, Dox{ . r

DON : Wzi~ H1 Jack . . .Hey^ I'll bet I know something you don't know . JACK : What's that?

DON : _ I ran into Bagby, the piano player, and now I know what

the boys in the band ere going to give you for Christmas .

JACK : What, what, what?

DON: eJ 8eeutiful set of golf clubs . JACK : Oh, isn't that wonderful . . .I can use a new eet . . .I can , hardly wait till Christmas . DON: Well, you may even got them before Christmas, if the paint dries . JACK : Paint . . .vhat paint?

DON : Where they soratchedvthe owner's name x.en' JACK : I~-ttrought~o ; .They should have left the mame on, mid I'd know who not to play with . . .What characters .they are . . . .By the way, Don, how's your wife . DON : Oh, she's fine now . JACK : Now? . ~(, -.S1" DON : Yes1lA few weeks ago she broke out in hivesaid her eyes were always watering and the doctors didn't know whet it

was_till they found out she had en allergy .

JACK : Gosh. .whet was she allergic to? DON : The oil in oil paints . . . JACK : ...... No...... , DON : Yes6 .so now I':e~ene'cack to water colors . JACK: . . .You use only . . .water colors now . . .Don : Thet's right . • . DON

JACK: Sxcuse aa, Don, I've got to go somewhere . . (SOUND : STOH& NOISBS & BELiS UP AND D(MN)

BEA : dc~'jPlelvills, control yourself . :r _ 1:= r MEi. .rc^^t I can't control myself, Beatrice ( . .Pm going to quit .

BEA : Now, now, Nel . . . . .it can't be that bad .

RiX01 0 020210 -20-

MEL : Can't be that bed4 Look, in the first place, .hov he finds

me, I'll never knox, .But first he buys oil paints, then he changes them to water colors, then back to -oils, then

water colors, then oile ., .he keeps coming beck like a

boomerang.,,Bae, I'm going to the office right nov and quit . noo loo~- BEA~' 'Look, Me1 . . .I'11 tell you whet to do . .You go end take a l a. l nice long lunch hour 8nd tinn lie down .,,I'll take your ~ place at the counter .

MEL : We11 . . .Okay,, .Okay„When he comee, that's his .peckage of

oil paints right there„ 11 see you later . (SOiIIm : 1EPARdiMG FOOTSTEPS)

BEA : - Poor Me1 . . .-W gets upset so eeslly . . .I can't let him quit now . . .it'11 ruin all our plane„We worked in the atore

together so long, .,4fe met in the etore . .}Ie .evBn proposed to

me in the store . .,and now we're married . . .(SIMPERING GIGGIE~ And._--latows~,-,semedsy-we-m6y Tiave family, . .Yas; so , -ef our-w~11t61e-fhxror-veiks^ '^r,~~r .«TMO*.m`T- 2n<-is~ me, JACR ; (COMING IN)( Excuse ma, Miss .

HEA : i\ ~'`yY s sir, what cen I do for you?

JACK : Well. . .er, .where's the clerk who's usually here?

BEA : 0z// , He's gone to lunch, but perheps I can help you. JACK : We11. .I'm aupposed tohave a package of oil pBints ready for me,

BEA : Yes sir .,(T0 ItRP,SEIE) Wait a minute . . .this must be the man

who's been drivin, Mel crazy .,,qsi yet it can't be „ this guy

couldn't bother anybody . . .he's auch a kindly looking old

schnook . . .(UP), .,Here you are, sir . . .a package of gift

wrapped oil peints, . .ten twenty-five, air,

Rr 901 0 020 211 - 21 - .L % JACK : Look, Miss ,,, I changed mp mind, I'd like box of water colors instead. / BEfE:---But-sir, -these-rotl.--yaittt-s-are-elready-gi-ft-wrepped . dACK:----well,-glft-wrap-the-vster-colara : (STARTING TO GPsP MAD) But air---- . BEA (CBECKIHO H6RS8[F AND

BECODffNG CBEFYIFCL) All right, I'll gift wi'9p the water

oolore . . .(HAPPY) The customer's always right . .I'11 get

some water colors and wrap them and I'll be :.right back .

(SOUND : DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS)

JACK : While she's gone, I'd better write out a card for Don . . . Tat's see . . .I want it to be something clsve}• . .Oh, I've

~ got it . .To Don o//)5on

"Here's lots of colors, for portraits to paint,

But don't paint yourself, 'cause thet much there ain't ."

(LAUGHS) Sayy . . .tha,t's cute . . .and people say I need y5i it writers . . . . ~ SignrQ, Jaok Benny . . .(CAhLS) OH, Mias . .Mies .

BEA : (COMING Tif) Here are your water colors . . . isn't that a

pretty package? - JACK : Yes, it Ss . .Now will you please unwrap it and put this card inside? .

B . . .Unwrap it . . .card inside . . .Mieter) you can put the Lard no r.fir+. m,tslea ~ / JACK : Ohhh, n The card mey get lost t he ay . . .and when I spend three nine ve for p-g Pt, I went them to know who sent it . SEA : But, Mister . .,` 'll put the card on ht with Sootch Tape . JACK : I don' are if you weld it on----I want rd inside package . ~~ SE

Rr 801 - 0020212 .,,- -- .:- - -22-

BEA : . I went to a lot of trouble unwrapping the other one and gift-vrapping this

one . Have a little consideration will you . . .don't be so Se mean and selfish, JACK

: WII,L111 How dai'e-yen--.-you're just as bad as that idiot

clerk who went to lunch. ~ SEAC Idiot? Listen, you jerk, you're talking about Lw Melville . JACK: I don't care who I'm talking about ., .now unwrap that paokage and put the card inside, -

SEA : Oh no, not me-----I knov all about you . .Melville warned me .

JACK : Look, Miss -- .

BEA : First you vanted oil p8ints, than water colors, then oil a c1n paints, then dates vitl) nuts^ then plain date9 .--- JACK: DATffi? BEA : Then plastic tips, thep..me_talt~ps, tpen plas.t~c tips,

thsn metal dates, then-vater ~tips ~~ .;~iV~!PH OIL, . THEN SHCE[AG~ THEN PUvSTIC WATEN WITH NCTB OH, I'M

WISE TO YOU, YCU DRCVEMY HUSBAND CRAZY, BUT YCU'RE NOT

GCIN3 TO DO IT TO ME. (HYSTSRICALLY LAUGHIfA AND CRYINC) ....~c,..;'....:;:., ~:-La.

JACK : Oh for heaven's sakes . . .I'll just send Don a oard this year . (APPLAUSE AND PlAYOFF)

ri rxo 1 „ oo 2 o 213 . -THE JACK BIIVNP pRCGRAM rDHOR ffigt 5, 1g5v CIA.~Ti'i COi~CIAL

WILSON Just before Jack comas back again, hsre's a word for enyone who enjoys a godd cigarette . (TRANSCRIBBD: "If you went better taste from your cig-e-rette, . ACA VERSIGN ~iicky Strike is the brand to get : IT'S TCASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the toaste (CLAP . . . CL9P, CLAP) cig-a-rette .

They teke fine tobacco, it's light tobacoo, it's mild tobacco, too .

Then IT'S TOASTBD, yes, IT'S TOASTED,

because the toasting brings the flavor right through .

So, to get better teste from your cig-e-rette,

Luckv Strike is the brand to get!

IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

It ' s the toasted (CIAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette .

WILSON : All you have to do is look at a pack of LUekles, friends, and you'll see the reasons for Luckies' better taste

printed right on it . LS/MNT, Lucky Strikee meens fine

tobacco . Light, naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco . And -- IT'S TOASTED . IT'S TCAS'fG`D is the famous Lucky Strike process that tones up luckies' fine tobscco . . .

bringing it to its .peak of flavor . . . making it taste even better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother, So, Be Happy --

Go Lucky! And say, a wonderful way to sey "Merry

Christmas" to your friends, is to give them Lu ckies in

the beautiful Christmas cartons . These apecial Lucky

cartons ere handsooely decorated in keeping with the -gey spirit of the Yuletide season. They're so nice to give . . . so wonderful to get . This Christmas, give Lucky Strike . . . in Chriatmas-gift cartonaJ

R T X01 0020214 (TAG) . -23-

(SOUPID : STORE tiCISES .,F00TST8PS) RCCH : WELL, BCSS, HAVE YOU GOT LVERYTHIH(i? . JAQf Yes, I have, .

RCCH : SAY THAT'S SURE A PRETT7C PACSAGB,, .IT IqCIp SC CHRISTMASSY

WITH ALL TAAT RED PAPER .

JACK:, That'a not red paper, thet's blood . RCOH : BIA30D? JACK

: I never thought she'd punch ms in the nose . . . aoodnight, folks, (M[SIC & APPIALBE)

IId

arxo I 00 2 0 2 15 -24-

DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin,

Milt JoseTeberg, George Balzer, John TaGlCaberry, Hal

Coldman, Ai Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Niliialrl Marks .

be Sack Benny to yoii by Iuoky

Strlke, pmdu tbe American To Ame a's leading manufact ~~ ~*' ~~ o=*»ttae

fl7YS01 0020216 HERBBNT TARy4tlN NN 301F

Filter amokers : True tobacco teste . . .real filtration. .

famous TAREYTON quality . .they're all yours when you

smoke Filter Tip TARsTRTON . Filter Tip'TARFSCibN gives

you all the, full, rich tests of TARE4RY/N'S quality

tobacco end ree,l filtration, too, because Filter Tip

TARSYTON incorporates Activated Charcoal, renowned for

its unusual powers of selective filtration . Look for

the red, white .and blue stripes on the!.packege . They

idenfify Filter Tip TANaYTON, the best in filtered

smoking .

DON: The Jack Benny program wes brought to gou by the

Americen Tobacco Company . . Ame rica'a leading

manufacturer of cigarettes .

ATXOI 0 02 0 2 » PR " ~'~12

AMEHICAN TCBACCC CCMPANY UJCKY.~S _TRII~, . TH6 JACK BS[ad1C PRCGRAM ._ sAPIDHx, DDCFSfl1ER 12 . 1954 CB5 4 :C0 - 4i3C }M PST (Transoribed ; nec . 6, 1953)

CAST Jaok Benny Max+9 Livingstone Roohester Denqis nsy SobCrosby DonY7ilson The 5yortsmen Quartet Mel Bla[~c Benqp Rubin Ry Averback

Arrso~ oozazae TNg AMERICAN TOBACCO CO THE JACS BENNY PROGRAM tR12 . ISC. 17, 1954 -A- OPSNIN3 COtMENCIAL WILSON : THR JACR BBNNY PRC4RAM . . .trenscribed ard presented by Iucky Strike, the oigarette that's toasted to taste betterl . (TRANSCRIBEC "If you want better taste from your oig-~i'ette, hV14IP~ Luole Strike is the brand to gett IT'S TOASTED to give you the beat taste yet,It's the toasted (CLAP . . .CIAP, CLAP) cig-B=rette .

They take fine tobacco, it's light tobacco, it's mild tobacco, too

Then IT'S TOASTgD, yea, IT'S TOASTED, .

because the toasting brings the flavor right

through . . .

So, to get better taste from your eig-a-rette,

Luokr Strike is the brand to getl .

IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

It'a the toasted (CIAP. . .CIAP, CLAP) cig-a-rettel

WILSON : This is Don Wilsori. As cigarette smokere ; you and I

know the most important single thing any cigarette oan offer is taste -- better taste . And as many millions

of Lucky smokers w111 tell you -- Luckies t taste better.

You know why7 BeoBUse "IT'S TMSTID"! Ye@, IT ' S

TOASTED to taste better . Luckiea' better .taste actually

be ns with the fine tobacco that goes into every lucky

Strike . L9/MF1', lucky Strike meane fine tobacco .

. IT ' S TOASTEDI Atd then, that fine tobacco is toasted (MORE)

Ar 8 o 1 ooao2 19 -B-

ILSON : That's the famous Luclw Strike process that tones up YCONT I D) Luoldes, naturally mild, good tasting tobacoo -- brings it to its peak of flavor -- makes it taste even better . Cleener, fresher, smoother . So, for better taste in yo4r cigarette, Be Happy -- Go Luc t Buy a carton of better tasting Lucky Striket

AT 350.1 0020220 -1-

(FIRBT ROUTINE) . MUSIC UP AND DOWN). (AFIER C064AERCIAL

DON: _ TRS IACKY STRIKg PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENRY, .WITR MARY

LIVINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, S E fAIIS DAY, B OB CROSBY, .'AND "YODR3

TROLY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE . .MCSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : IADI$ AND GFNPLFSig

TKLEVISION 3HOW, BUT FiRBT IET'S 00 OUT TO JACIC'S HOU3E IN

BEVERLY AILiS . OUR LITTlE STAR HAS DHCIDEC TO SPSFID A

CWPfE OF WRH6 IN PAI2A SPRINGS,,,30 JUST AS SOON AS HE

FINI3H[5 BREAKFAST, HE'SGOINi TO START PACKING..

JACK: Abb . . .that was a good breakfast . . . How about a little more coffee, Rochester7

ROCH: NO THAN'45, I HAD ENOUGH .

JACK: I .a;ent msy . -Wft ROCH: OH. . .OH. . . JACK: Yes ob . . : HERE YOU .oh,AHg ROCH .

(SOUND : POURING COPFEE INfO CUP) JACK: On second thought, Rochetiter, I don't think Ivent aqvmore . . . And anyway, it's about time we started packing, . RCCH: Y6 SIR.

JACK: And, Rochester, not a wofd about our going ~o Palm Springs

in front of Polly . You know how upset that partbt gets when

she knows we, re going away arct not taking her with us . RCCH: YEAH . . . : Let~a go in the other room end. JACK get ataTted,

(SOUND: FOOTSTEPS, .DCOR OPENS)

4 _ BB

Rr 901 0 020221 1 -p- MHL: (SQUAWK4) . JACK: Oh, hello, Polly : (SQUAWKS) Hello, . MHL hello . (WHISTLffi) ROCH: WELL, BOSS{ I BHTTIIi GE1' OUT THE BAG, AND -- I~[. : C agp IJACK : (ALARM®) Rootvsterl RCCH : HUH4 . . .OH. .OH.;.6~-YF3 . .YF5. . .I'M GOING TO GEP OUT THg BAG AND n - PUT IT IN THE VACUUM CWNER ANU .,EN*.CLBAN UP.~YOUR ROOM . JACK: Oh, yes . .yes, .the bag for the vacuum cleaner : AND WHEN THH BAG IS bULL, WE CAN START FOR --. ROCH (SPELIJNG IT

: P,a,1,mOUT) Mffi, . .S,p,r,i,n,g,s . Veouum cleaner (SQUAW$Fi & WHISTLFS) JACK: That's right, Po11y ., .that spells vacuum cleaner. ComeN~ on, Rochester, we better go in my room and (WS[8PER4), start

packings'/- ^L ) ROCH: YBS,SIR.

MEL : (S@UAWKS SADI3C) JACK: I'm sorry, Polly, but you can't come in the roqm with us . MEL: (SGdUAWKS HXCITEDLY) .

JACK: All right, all right,,,don't get excited . (ASIDE) . Rochester, Polly doesn't want to be left alone ; We better

take her to my room, too

: (ASIDE) BUT, BOSS, SH$'IL SEE. ROCH US TAKE YOUR SUj'1'S OUT OF THE CL03II' AI}QRTS WT OF THE DRAWERS .

JACK: (ASIDE) She'll just think we're straightening up the room .

Go ahead, bring her ,in~,Q..-R -T

prxo 1 oo 2 o 222 -3- ROCH: OKAY. CCME ON, POLLY. '- . ( MKL: (SQUAWI6 HAPPSLY) Bring I er in, bring I or in, (SQUAWKS & WHISTLES) . (SOUND: POOTSTEPS .,DOOR OPENS & CLOSffi) . JACK: Now, Rochester, take my blue suit, my gray suit,and my tweed out of the closet,

ROCH: BUT, BOSS, A THE® SUITIS MUCH TOO HEAVY FOR P~A,L,M., S, P, R, I, N, O, S, MEL : P,a,1,m. .S,p,r,i,n,g,s -- Vacuum Cleaner, .(SQUAWK9 &

WHISTUS ) . JACK: Well, okay, never mind the tweed .

ROCH: BY THE WAY, BOSS, ARE YQi GOING TO STAY AT THB SAME PLHCE . YOU DID IAST TIME? . .

JACK; Certainly .

ROCH: THEN I BETTER KEEP TH6E THINGS TOOETHER, BATHROBE, SLIPPERS ATm FLNSHLIOHT,

JACK: Rochester, it ' s inside now : ROCH: THANP. GOODPIIESSl . .ONCE YOU STAYED AT A PLACE WH842E WE HAT) TO PACK A BICYCLE. JACK: Rochester, for yWr infonsation, they don't have any more places like that in MEL;. Vacuum Cleaner . (S@UAWK4 & WHISTLS9 ) . ~ ~ JACK: Well, Rochester, I guess we've got everything I'll need~~ ....~~ ~ (SQIND: PHONE RINOS OFF) .

JACK: I 1 11 get the phone qW I 1 il take Polly with meCome on,

- Polly.Daddy has to answer the phone, (SOUND: DOOR OPR[S . .PHONE RINOS, ON . . . ~_ . F0075TEPS) BB

RT}l 01 002 0 223 I .a- Mg.: (SQUANKS) JACK: Quiet, Polly . (SOUND: RECEIVII2 UP) JACK: Hello?

MARy: Hello, Jack, this is Mary .

JACK: Oh, what is it, Mary?

MARY: Jack, on your way over to pick me up, would you stop off at the store and get me a bottle of sun tan oil 4

JACK: What do you mean stop off at the store? I ' m bi!inging enougb sun tan oil for everybody . MARY: I know, but you don't give Green Staspe . JACK: Mary, I wasn't going to charge you for the oil, I vasgoin . Andwhen I bought it, the oompeqy g to give it to you

guaranteed its quality

: I knov Jack, but after.MARIC it ' s been in your crankcase for ten

thousand miles, it loses something .

JACK: Okay, 40r , I was just trying to do you a favor. . .Anyvqq,

I'll pick you up in a little xhile . . .Goodbye .

MARY: 40018ye . (SOUPID: RECElVSR D(MN . . .DOOR OPBNS Or3+ : (OFF) OH, SC?S, IrVR GOT EVNSWTHING RBADY . SNAid,) ROCR I CLOSE IT UP?

JACK: No no, I want to check it first to see I Qidn - t forget

anything . MEL: (SQUANRS UNRAPPILY )

JACK : Now, Polly, you can't oome into my room this time .

MEL: (SQUANKS UNRAPPILY)

Rrxoa vozozza -5-

JACK: Look, Polly, if you're lonesome, Deddy-ll turn on the radio ( for you, .,I'11 get you sotne masic,

(SOUND : FEW FOOTSTSPS . .CISCK. .STATIC) (ISGHI' MUSIC)~~ : 9!, tnia is good enough. JACK . You'll like tLis, Polly . I'll be back soon .

MEL : (SQUAWKS & NHiSTLffi)

(SOUND : FWTST2PS. .DCOR OPEpS & CIASES OFF)

(AFP$R SEVERAL BARS MUSIC CCNIIsS TO A FINISH) . .

RUBIN: (FILTER) THIS MUSICAL PRCGRAM IS BROUGHT TO YOU .BY THS PAIM SPRINGS BILIMORE HO'PEL WHICH IS SI7UATED IN THE HEART

OF THE I789EgT AT THE FOOT OF TRE SAN JACINPO MQ117PAIN3 .

FOR FURTNBRINFORMATION ABOUT OUR BATF3 AND FACILtTIES . .

JUST DROP A POST CARD TO THE BILTMORE HC/PII ., IN-:PATM SPRINGS . PAU1 SPRINGS . .Nti WILL NOW CONTINUS

47.I.T.,H.~JM ORE MUSICAL 3SC8CTIOtiS, YtEL'^' .I P e,1,m. .9,Ar,i,n,g,s . .Palm Spri.ngs . .2p#~Y P PAIM SPRINGSI (S@UAWK9, SCR E6Ck ES & SCREAM9 RYSTERICALLY)

(SOUND : m0R oPENs:,RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

JACK: Po13y. .Po1 . .What a wropg? MII. : ~ (SQUAWR3 , , , • , . , (SQUAHI6) JACK : qulet . .qulet. .ye_ R

JACK: Rochester, close the suitcase so we can get going .

I m : (SQUAWI6) Palm Springs . (CRIS4)

JACK: Now amft Polly, you oan't go and that settles St,

MEL : (CRIFS) .

Rrxo~ oo2a22s _ 6- JACK: Rochester, take her in the qkber room . ~ ROCH: YES SIR . COFlli ON, POLLY, /','~/ ,//~ t~ffiL : (CRIE3 & WHIMPEtL4 . FADINCi OFF)- .

(SOUtm : DOOR CLQ4B3) JACK: ~ie ~atting more human every day . (SOUND; DOOR BULZSR)

JACK: COME IN. . (SOUDID : DOOR OPENS)

DENNIS : Oh, hello, Mr . Benny .

JACK: Well, Dennis, it's about time you got here .

(SOUND : DOOR CLOS$4)

JACK: Well, Dennis, are you all set for Palm Springs?

DENNIS : Well, I oame over to tell you I can't leave today. I have to go have a tooth pulled .

JACK : a Tooth pulled . .Oh, that's a shame . .Does it have a cavity? llERNI~S-:"°No :~¢,Does. JAOK it ache? ~ DENNIS : No . . JACK: ir, jet me see . .Which tooth is it?

DENNIS : The one on my vatoh chain. I got thrown out of the Elks .

JACK: Dennis, stop being silly, and I want you to leave for Palm

Spr today. So go home and pack . DENNIS : Okayt.~.Rr.~enny, is it all right if I take .my mother to Pal.m Springs with me? JACK : Well . . . .

DENNIS: She'e already bought a French bathing suit .

RT 9 07 0020226 I GZZoZoo tdH1N

Sff

(ssnvuaa) ( wmavao . oNOS ~sxwm) ($snvraaa)

•9u0s sq'4 aaeq s , 2et_' ~ 'SIPVf

L3esT3 9uos As aseq 014 3uen no6 giuoQ : SIWNgn ')load pus saqq 08 `sTausQ :SIOVf LeL'CnsM Lesoaep si0qn `elnzog 'sW"'4sex :SWtS3Q L6ttssg :%Pbf •qoue,xg ooL vis PTSe zeqqed 6m Pu8 uo 9T PeTa,4 eye BaTusaa eT4s '9iusT lT ou `90 : sTNNS¢ 'snoZnoTPTs-st3sqy Lasq3om anox ~7IOtlf

-L` (SBCGlN.D~~~RGDTINR) -A . JACKt?~.That was very good, DsnndW.Til ey'11 love lt 1nPalm Springs .

DENNIS : Then4 -/~~-~~ ~ ,y,,,,~ ~, JACK; Now Denfila, when you go there, tay on Highwsy-.99 so you ~~ won't get lostI -~~y~--- DSNNISPri~'m not driving down,

JACK: Oh, a a you taking the bus? DENNIS : No : . . ..The JACK train? DENNIS : No. JACK: . . .Are you flying? DENNISe No : . . ..Well, JACK goodbye, Dennis .. DENNIS : Goodbye . .

(SOUND : DOOR CLOSES)

JACK: . . .I guess it's better not to know bow he's getting there than to ask him and spoil my whole vacation . . .Now let's see--

RCCH: (FADING IN) WELL, BCSS, I'VE GGT ALL THE LUGGAGR IN THE CAR . JACK: Good . . .come on, let's go : FGGPSTEPS . . (SCUND .DGGR GPSN4 & CLCSES . .FG(YfBTEPS ON

CEHffi7f . . .CAR DOOR GP8[VS. . M PLE G$'1TING IN. .

CAR DOOR CL038S) JACK: Are you sure all the lights are off, ard the doore .are SL locked, Rochester? RCCH: YES, SIR .

(SOUND : GEITING IN CAR)

i BB

flT8010020228 -9-

JACK : Good .~ Steo tbe car. ( HOCH : OKAY.

(SOUND: THE USUAL CAR STARTER. .THICE. .BL$NING INPO

MRL BIANC`S ENTIRE GAMUTUT OF SOUNI78 WINDING UP

TH DYINGJ WCK GASP) got a little vater in the gasoline .

ROCH: V D SEITLE IF WE HAD A LITTLE GASOLINE IN THR WATER.

JACK: Never miid, try the motoregain ,

HOCH : YBS SIR. U

(SOUND : SAME SOUND, BUT EVEN MORE 80) . JACK: ~. .the motor soun3s as though St's going fropt bad to worse .

` HOCH : l .SOUNII4 ISKg IT`S OOING PRCM HERE TO ETERNITY . JACK: Rochsster,don`t be funoy. .try it once more.

HOCH : OKAY. ~

(SCUND: THIS TI ME JUST THB STARTER GOES AND THE

MOTOR DOE9N ' T CATCH. .THE STARTER .WRI MS AND

- _ WHINES AND RUN9 DO•r7N) .

JACK: ia, L he motor`s not even catching . .maybe the battery ' s dead.

HOCH : IT CAN ' T BE THAT, MR. BENNY, I PUT 19 A NEN HAT1'E7AYF3TERDNY .

JACK: A new battery. .hov much did it oost? RCCH

: NOTHING, I GOT IT C11T OF YOUR FLASIUSGHT . JACK : 111om.ry it once more,

(SOUIO) : MOTOR STARTER WfIINRS . .MEL TAK&S OJER . .IT CATCHF5 AND F41DE8 TO B.G. AS CAR GOE9) .

JACK: There you are, Rochester. . .the motor ' s going. .,back the car out ofthe garage .

Rrx01 002022 9 -10P-

RCCH: WAIT TILL THAT CROWD GE PS WT OF THE WAY . ( JACK: (CALIS) All right,~' ~folka, break it up, break it up . .beat it . .best it . .(Irqyvhy do they always gather w~be6.n we try to start the car?) . . .You can go, Rochester, they!he~gone .now. (SWNG: CAR IHiIVPsS OF1P. .LOCSY MOTOR FAM BUT SUSTAIN IN B .G.) .

O i MUSIC) . (TRANSITI

(SOUND : CAR GOING)- .

JACK : Rochester, there ' s Miss I,ivingstone ' s house . .Put on the brakes .

(SOUND : THN LONGFST SCRELl:H OF BRAKFS POSSIBIE. .IT GOffi ON AND ON AND ON AND ON ATID TFIF,N CAR STOPS) JACK: That's good, Rooheeter . .you stopped aight in fn5nt of the house.

ROCH: YEAH, AND IT ONLY TOOK US ONCE AROUfID THE RiACK,TO DO IT .

JACK: I know . . .now keep the motor running, 1,11 go get Miss

Livingstone . (SIXND: CAR DOOR OPENS . .IYIDTSTEPS ON SII$IfATX FOR

C(AJPLS SHCONLB . .DOOR HUZZER . .SLIG}R PAUSE . .

DOOR 0 PENS )

MARY: Hello, Jack, I ' m all ready .

JACK: Good, Msry, I'll help you with your bags .

MARY : Thank! .here they are .

JACK: Say Mary. .what beautiful luggage, where did you gst it?

MARY: I bought it .,,Laat week .I got two hu:dred dollars on a quiz prog:'am.

JACK: No kidding. .on a quiz program?

RTH01 0020230 -11-

MARY : Uh huh,, .I was picked out of the whole studio audience because I worked for you,

JACK: Ahhh hahhhh, you see, Mary,,Alt doesn't hurt being on mW program . . .Nhat question did you have to answerYor them to

give you two hundred d.ollars?

MARY: No question, they just felt sorry for me . JACK: Hm . 4 MARY: The Eeart ISne called with food for ffis month .

JACK: Oh, don't be so fUCUw ,A Cm on, Mary, let-s .go.

MARY: Okay. . .let me lock the doorl ,, ....~k ~ye--~ ? (SOUND: DOOR LCOKS . .FOOTSTEPS!/ON WAiK OF MAN & NQMN) JACK: Rochester, put Miss Livingstone'a bags in the oars .....-CP .a. ROOH: YE3 SIR. : CAR DOOR OPENB). (/(SOUND

ROCH: NOW LET - S SEE, WHERE CAN I PUT TR@1? MARY: Jack, you-re only going to be away for two veeke„Wk~q have you got all that luggage piled on top of the oar? JACK : That isn't luggage, Mary .

MAIOC: Then what is it?

ROOH: A TENT, WE'LL HAVE TO CAMP TWICE HY`AJEEH I ERE AND PALM SPRIN3S .

: Oh stop, Rochester. . .that ' s not why we're oarrqing. JACK it,

MARY : Then why are you carrying it? JAOK: The tent? Never m].nd.,,Now Rochester, are we *ady to go? r ROCH: 37:.'S SIR. . .I POT MISS LMN3ST0NE'S UJCGAOE IN .T1Q: TRUNK. (SOUND : CAR DOOR CLOHE3„MOTOR UP. .FAIZ TO B.G. CAR HORN'BEEPS)

RT)f 0 9 , 0020231 -12-

JACK: Now let - s relsx and have a pleasant drlve . ( MARY: Rochester, turn on the redlo . .wi11 you, please4 . ROCR: YES, MA-AM . (SOUPID : CLICK, .STATIC SQUSAL4) Q HY: (FILTSR) REMEMBER, FOLIdi, AS M HOISII4Y SPHCIQL VB ARE

CURR3RfLY FEATURING A PLATINUM N®CKLAO& WITH AFU1R CARAT DIAMOSID PSRR4RT FOR ONLY NINE THQISATID F1VB NUNURSb D073AR3. . .

THIS CAN BE PU(Y`.HASED 0N OUR EASY LAYAWAY PfAN VF ONLY ONE

DOLTAR DOHN AND ONE DOLLAR A WEEK UNTIL T31Ey LAY YOU AWAY. . .

AND NOW BACK TO THE MUSICAL PORTION OF CUR PRO(82AM . .PUR OUR

NBXT NUMBER WE WILL RBAR THE SPORTSI4M QUARTEP...WE WERE

SUPPOSP9 TO HAVE THE IHI44PC/fS, BUT WE FSUL' SCRiqC FOR THE SPORTSMER. JACK: Why do they feel sorry for everybody who works for me?

prxo T 0 020 2 32 -13- (INTRO) QUAFfT : ALWEPI'E GENTLE AIAUEFPE . AIAIIEME JEf'Y PUJMERAIS . ALONETTE ISGNP A CIGAREM'A

WCK1C STRIKE

JE SAIS TEE BON JO'LE

JET'Y PUIIMIS LA TEP LIGHT A IACRY ALOUETTE JET'Y PLUMEBAIS LA TEf

LIGHI' A IIJCISY ALOUEL'T$ ALOiJBRTE ALOIIER'fE CIGAEETTE CIGAAEl'P8 AN ALDUEImE PGFF HEN CIGAEQ1mA . MAIE OF FINE TOBACCO 00H .LA LA ALOf7EPTE GENTLE ALOUEfTA WROTE A LEPPEY2 TO NER Ll^tAR PAPA

HERE IS WHAT ZE IBYTFR SAY .

"SEND MORE IUOffiF3 RIGHf AWAY" SONAMAGDN THE ffiKIMO ZAY SMOKE IUCHIES '100, YOU IINOW

. ESHIMO, ESKIMO, . SMOKE YW IINOW, SMOKE YOU KNOW, .

ALOIIEPTE AIAUETPE CIGAEEPTE CIGAFEPTE . ZAY ALL LIIIE, ZEY ALL LIKE

LUCKY STRIKE, LUCKY STRIKE - AH --

ALOUETTE PUFF HER CIGARETTE

SHE IS JUST AS HAPPY AS CAN BE

WITH IIER LUCKERS, MAIE OF FINB TOBACCO

ISMF, ISMFP

ISVING MID ZE ICE AND SNOW

WE'RE4ERY GIAD TO I(NON

(MORE) BB

RTTS09 . 9020233 -14-

SNEiS AS HAPPY AS CAN HE WITH AN LSMBT, MFT, MFT

WE AGREE, WE AGREE ESNKIISO, ffiRIMO . . .SMOIO; YOU KNOW. .SMOSE YW ]4M. ALWEITE AIAUETTE CIGARhPTE, CIGARENPE,

THEY ALL LAUE , THE4 ALL LIKE

LUCRY STRIKE, UJCKY STRIR6 . .AH. . ALOUEPPA, PUFF HER CIGAREITA

TNROUGH ZE LONG AND IqNE SOME ARCTIC NIGHTS IN TH6 NORTH SO MANY LIOHT UP LUCNIE4 THAT

' S WHAT MA1ff3 ZTs NORTHERN LIGPPS . -

(APPLAUSE)

AT7S01 . 0020234 -15- ( THIRD ROCTINSS) . (SQ1ND: MOTOR OOING PUR S8IBRAL SHCONOg. .TRAFF.[C NOISE4 . .AUTO HORN BBBPS . .TH6N FAM MOTOR A]® SUSTAIN IN B .G.)

MARY: Say, we're making pretty good time today .

ROCH: YOU ' R6 RIGHT, MISS LIVINGSTONE . .W6 JUST PASSED THROUGH ,

PASADENA .

JACK: Gosh, I vonfler why the traffic is so thick .

MARY: It ' s people still coming home from last year ' s .Hose Bowl

gama • JACK: . . .Last year :s Rose Bowl Gmm . . .You know, Maly, sometimes I think-~ ...... RCCH: SKCUSE ME, MR . HFNNY -- JACK : What is it, Rochester? ROCH : WEIRE GEITING KIND OF LOW ON GAS . ~~ JACK: We are? Well, pull inft that gas station on the corner . ,~ut ROCR: OKAY. . . (SIXJND : MEDIUM LONG SQUEALING OF BRAKES AS CAR COMES TO STOP)

MELi (MOOLfiY) D.,h, yes sir, . .can I help you? JACK: Yes, we'd like some gas . MEL : Yes air, would you like Regular or Sthyl? . JACK: Hmn. .let me see, I Yonder what would be best for this oar .

MARY:Blood .

JACK: Mary, please . .I'll take the regular .

MEL: Fill it up? ~ . . ..•-d . . . : Well . . . -nbr,, .put in about three gallons .. JACK ,

Rrx 01 0 020 2 3 5 T

Q , .16-

MARY: For heaven's sakes, Jack. .vkq don't you fill it up? ~ JACK: Masy, three is enough

:b But you'll have to stop. MARY at another gas station for more . .

wo++ Why don't you fill it up? JACK: Aell . .all right . . .Fill it up, Mister . . ROCH: (WAY UP) OH BOY, WAIT'LL I TELL THg BOYS AT THE IAbGE ABWT "aBLSI

JACK: Never xd. rd , Rocheeter . .go ahead and fill the tank, Mister . MEL : Yes air.

MARY: Jack, what do you plan on doing in Palm Springs?

(k2 NOW HEAR THE SOOfm OF AN AUTCMATIC GAS PUMP

GOING. .IT GCdiB NITH A 1fHINiNO AND SLIGAT GRINDING

SOUND, AND EVERY OCUPLE OF SECOM:S AS A(}AId.ON

)AR3 IS REACHED, WE HEAR 7Rffi PING OF A BBIJ,. . .

THeSE P1NG5 COME BXACTLY WHERE THEY ARE INDICATED

?Y JACK'S SPEhYIH.)

JACK: Well, I think I'll just rest. . .relax and (PING) one have

a good time . I'm going to take a dip in the (PING) two

swimni_g pool every morning and then play a round of (PING)

three golf afterwards . That way I'll get plenty of (PING)

four su^_ eryl in the afternoons I'll just relax and (PING) five rest till dinner time . There are so mattty .good pleces

to (PING) six eat in Palm Springs like the Dunes, Doll House and Don the Beach (PING) seven combers aqd lots of others . Some nightsI may go on (PING) eightA(~YELi3) FOR

HEAVE 6 SAKFS, THAT'S ENOUGH GAS, STOP AIREADY . . .Gee whiz .

. Okay, Mister . .Now I'll oheck your oil and tiree .

AiH 01 ~.~. .0020236 -17-

JACK : Good . r . MEL: Hey Mister ., .do you khow youW got a big ho],e in your . right rear tire? JACK : I know, I Imov . . MBL: - Well, how come it doesn't go flat? JACK: Because the tire was filled up in Los Angeles .

pffiL: X2Q, What I s that got to do with it?

MARY: The smog is too thick to leak out . JACK:,' Yeah. MEL:~Mister, I cen sell you e new aet of tires very reasoneble .

JACK: Not right now. . .you see, they're meking so maiyq ~~

improvemsnts in tires these (b ys, I'll wait a little,4 onger . MEL : Well, I've got the latest thing right here . . . .tubeless . tires . ROCH : WS'R3 WAY AIEAD OF THAT, WE GOT TII2EIES5 TUB85 . JACK : Never mind, Rochester, . .just check the oil, Mister .

MEL: Yes, sir . (SOLND : HOOD GOIN(3 UP . .LPM'IE NOISES OF OIL BFIflO CH)G70:D) .

MEL: Well, the oil is okay, but I noticed the pulley on your geraretor is cracked . . .you better get a new .one, or you'11 have lots of trouble . JACK : Well . . .okay, put onein . MEL : I'm sorry, but we don't have any parts for this car . JACK : Oh. . .well, is there a Maxwell dealer in thie .town? MEL: Yeah : Where?. JACK

arx01 002023? MEL: ; In the aemetery . JACK : Well, it'll be all rlght ;. .pOw much do I owe -- (SOBfII) : GALSAPING HORSE FAM IN) JACK : Whet'e that?

DENNIS ; HI H0 SILVER, AWAY! 1~"

(SOUND : HOOVES FAT E AWAY) 1 JACK : ~ep that'.a how Dennis ie going to Palm Springe . . . . well, whet do you know . . .Sey Mister, how much do I .owB you?

MEL : That's two dollars and fifty cents .

JACK : Okay, I'll --

Excuse me, Mister, here comee enother customer .

(SODtA) : NICE CAR'IY2IV6S IN AND COMES TO . :STCP)

MBL : Yes sir, whet can I do for you .

BOB : Fill it up . , .

JACK : Well, Bob : /~~~- B~ : Why, Jack . . .Hi. . .Hello, Mary .~ Roch .

MARY : Hello, Bob : HBLUJ, MR .. ROCH CROSBY . MBL ; Exouse me, mister, you vsnt regular or TEtt~yl?

BOB : Ethyl, please . (SOUND : SAME 50U(1I) OF PUMP GOING AI`ID ,AG4IN WE HBAR PINGS INSP&[sCH WH6RE INDICATEO)

JACK : Gosh, Bob, isn't it a~coinc7dence, we're all on our wey to Pelm (PING) one Springa and we meet at the seme gas

(PING) two station --

MARY : JACK, STOP COUNPING, IT ' S BOB CAR.

BR -19-

JACK: Oh, yes, yes .,,I forgot,,,Cee, Bob, it's a sheme that you

have to make the drive all alone . BCB : I'm not alone . . JACK :~~p Huh?

B~ :yK., Look in the bsck, don't you see . .,Remley, KiqWiok, and Begby, Tt»y're laying there,

JACK : Oh .

MARY : Bob, you only ment7oned Remley, Kimsick, and Bagby . . .isn't

3aonsy the Drwuner coming to Palm Springs? BCB : Oh, 3ammy's coming,~fiot until just before we do our broedcest r there .A .,'~He hates the sun . JACK : Why? ' BCB : Well, you know how bald 3ammy is, . .end he doesn't like his scalp to get sunburned . MAR7( : Well, can't he wear a hat? BOB : ~ No, if be covered his head, he'd lose the fifty dollars ~ a week e distillery pays him .

JAC . s er~y peye him fifty dollare a week not to cover

his heed? BOB : Yeah . . .They've got "Don't be Vague, say Haig end Haig" painted up there : Well, they couldn't. JACK have picked a better hgadthan 3emmy's . It'a shaped like a pinch bottle . k~ .. MAR7[:~ Bob, his is none of my business, reelly . . .but if the boys in the band are such a bunch of hoodlums, why don't you get rid of them?

JACK : It's funny, Mary, I asked Bob the seme thing .lest' week, and he told ms that their private lives are their own

business . . BR

Ar 901 002023 9 , _2D_

BCB : That's right, Mery . .,end these boys have a lot of experience . '

JACK : Yeah. . .Bob told me that his boys spent two years with

Wayne King. BOB : No no, Jack, not Wavne King, Waste King, they used to instell them : Oh, oh, oh. . JACK

MARY : By the way, Bob, how oome your wife isn ' t ooming to the Springs with you?

BOB : Oh, ehe'll be up for the veek-end, Mary. . .She'e bringing the kids . All five of them?

n end ihe maid end the cook too, .

But Wb, won't it be herd finding hotel rese rvations for

that many people? .

BOB : ry-, I don't have to worry about that, Jack's renting me e tent .

JACK: All right, Mary, nox gou know, are you happyq? . . .Comson Rochester, let's go . . . ROCH : SB9 SIR : See you in. JACK Palm Springs, Bob . ALL : (AD L78 G001BYE) (SOUND : IALSY CAR STARTS AND IRIVFS OFF . . . . IYiIVBS FOR A FR{ SECONDS . . .SLBTAIN IN B .Q .) JACK: Rochester, make this right turn here .

ROCH: BUT, MR . BENNY, WE SHOUlD GO STRAIGHT AHEAD

: Rochester's right, Jeck . . .this isn't the veyto. MARY Palm Springs . .

BR h

flT909-0020240 -21-

JACK : Look, Mery, I knov a short cut . . .Rochester, turn here . RCCH : 1BS SIR . (SGUUND : CAR TWiNxNG) (TRAN3ITIGN MI13IC)

(SOUND : IqUSY CAR MCTGR FAM IN)

MARY: Jack, are you sure this short out takes us to Palm Springs?

JACK: Of course, I'm sure

: BUY MR . BENNY, WS'VE. RGCH BEEN DRNIN3 THREE HGUR79 SINCE WE

LEFT THE GAS STATION,

MARY: Yesl,atd it's getting derk . . .we .should hawe been in Palm

Springs long ago .

JACS : Mary, I know what I'mdoing . . .I've taken this road many

times and -- see, see -- we're in the desert . . .aee the sand . MARY: Yeg~,end I see the sign, too Legune Beach .

JACK: Oh for heavena sekes . . .Rochester, you must hawe made a

wrong turn . . . Nov go beck to the msin highwag, 4W -- MARY: Jack . . .Jack, look up in the air!

JACK : Where . . .it - s only a bSrd : ~,

MEL : (SQUAWK) P,A,L,M . . . S,Y,R,I,N,G,S ; /I(

JACK: Well, what do you know . . . 1%ftffl1PMVp, .She's following us to Palm Springs . . .Hello, Polly . (APPLRUSE & PLAYOFF)

Arx 01 0020241 _22_ llON : Jack will be beak in a minute to tell you about his

television program which goes on 7amedietely .eft.er this

show, but first here's a word to you smokers who ere looking for better taste in a oigarette .

Jack will be back in .e minute to tell you about his

television program which goes on at 7 :00 P .M, tonight

over the CBS Television network, but first rysre ' s a word

to you smokers who are looking for better t6pte in a

cigarette .

Arxo I 0020242 THE JACK BSNNY PRCSRAM -C- ffiCF1M$ffi2 12, 1954

CLCSIPX2 COMI49RCIAL

TRAN30RIBED : If you went better taste from your cig-a-rette, VSRSALI N) Lucky St rlke is the brand to get :

IT'8 TCA.STHD to give you the best taste,yet .

It's the t ea e(CLAP . . .CLAP, CLAP) oig-a-rette

.(oPTIOPAL They take fIng tobacco, it's liaht toyeCco, SHORT VSNSjoN . . IF ffiSTRF.D) it's ryild tobacco, too . Then IT'S TOASTBp, yes, IT'S TOASTED,

because the toasting brings the flavor right through .

So, to get better taste from your cig-e-rette,

Luckv tg rike is the brand to get : IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste'yret,

It's the toasted (CLNP . . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette :

WILSON : Friends, if you read the comics, I guess you know all

about "Little Iodine", and the other-femous comic

series "They'll Do It Every Tim" . The .fellow who

dravs them in J1mny Hatlo . Well, Jimmy' s cirtarotte

is Lucky Strike . He says, "Yep, I'11 do it every

time -- light up a uc because they taste better" . Friends, many millions of people smoke Luckies because they too have found that Luckies taste

better . A Lucky testes better because "It's toasted

to taste better ." Of course, Luckies' better taste

. begins with fine tobecco -- fine, ligltt, naturally mild tobacco.

(MORE) BR

RT YSO 1 , . 0020243 T3M JACK BSWNY PROGRAM -D- ifiCEt.HER 12, 1954 CIn51NG

COMMERCIAL (COHT'D) r WIISOIV : Md then, that f ine tobacoo is toasted . . "1T'9 (CONP'D) TO?BTfiD" -- thefamous Lucky Strike process -- tones

up Luokies' fins tobacco to make it taste even .better .

Cleaner, 1 resher, smoother . So, Be Heppy -- Go

Lucky : And here's a reminder -- a carton of Lnokies

makes a wonderful Christmas gift -- as velcoms under

the tree as a pretty girl under the mistletoe . Give

the smokers on your list, gag, colorf u l Christmas

cartons of Lucky Strike -- so nice to give -- so

wonderful to get : Have a Happy - Go Lucky Christmest

fiiYl01 0020244 (TAG) , -23-

JACK: Ledies and gentlemen, I ves going to tell you.-ebout my television show but ve're a little lete, so tune in and vatch St . . .GoodniEoat, folks . (APPIALSE & MGSIC)

DON : . The Jack Benny Program tonight vas vrltten by Milt . Josefsberg, John Taokeberry, A1 Gordon, Hel C4oldman, and produced and transcribed by Hillierd Marke .

The Jack Benny _, ou htto y6u by .Luaky Strike,

product of-The-American TobaocoCompeny -- .-. .riEe's

leading manufacturer of oigarettes . _`

AJIiOi _ 0020245 I ,

NfiRBPdi't' TAREYTON . - 22 - fut 3 02F

Filter smokers! Here's thetrue tobacco taste you've

been looking for . Filter Tlp TARhRTON gives you all the

full, rich flavor of TAREYTONIg famcus quality tobeooo . . .

and real filtration, too! Filter Tip TARSYTON

incorporates Activated Charcoal, renowned .€or its

unusual powers of selective filtration and used far and

wide to purify the air we breathe, the vater and

beverages we drink . Look for the red, vhlte and blue

stripes on the package . They identify Filter Tip

TAREYTON, the best in filtered smoking .

The Jack Benny Program was brought to youby the

American Tobacco Company . . . America's leading

manufacturers of cigarettes .

Rrxoo 00202 46 (J~PROBQ~HA I #13

AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY t'2p

LU~,C 1, STRIKE .

THE JACK BENNY PRAAM

SUNDAY, DECEMBFR 19, 1954 CBS 4 :00 - 4 :N EM PST

(Transcribed, December 20, 1953)

CAST : Jack Benny Mary Livingstone HOChesterDeDnis Day Bob Crosby Don Wilson The Sportsmen Quartet Mel Blanc Artie Auerbaok

ftTYfO 1 . 0020247 THE AMBRICAN TOBACCC CCMPANY -A- f TDNg JAtSC 11~P%)ORAM #13 C~COMMFACIAL fDCN : THE JACK BENNYPR06RAM . . . transoribed :ahd presented

by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that testes better .

Cleaner, fresher, smoother .

(TBANSCAIBED : "If you vent better taste from your oiga-rette,

VERSIDN OF Lu~ Strike is the brand to gett so NG -37 sEO) IT ' S TOASTSD to give you the best taste yet, It's the toaatea (CLAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) cig-a-rette .

They take finetobacco, it's light tobaoco,

St's mild tobaoeo, too . Then IT'S TOASTffi7, yes, IT'S TCASTffi), .

because the toasting brings the flavor .right through .

So, to get better taste from your cig-p-rette, Luc Strike is the brand to get!

IT ' S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet, It's the toast (CLAP . . . CLAP, CI.AP) cig-a-rette!"

DON : This is Don Wilson, friends . I guess you all havee heard of Bill Corum, the famous sportecolumnist,

who ' s also President of Churchill Downs in

Loulsville, Kentucky . Well, he ' s one of the many

millions of people who smoke Luckies . And thls is what he says about them :

"I smoke Luokies because they give methe enjoyment

I like and they taste better than any pther cigarette

to me ."

(MORE) JF

RiM 01 0020248 TNE AM$RICAN TOBACCO COMPANY _ -B- TNE JAQK B$tW PROORAM #13 19, 1954 OPSNIIA C0MME RCIAL (CONf I D)

I I7QN: Now, Bill Corum ' s reason for.smoking Lnoky Strike Ss ~CONT~D) the same one most Lucky amokers give . tter tas e, What makes a Luoky taste better? IVstoasted to

taste better . Now, Luckies ' better taste begins with fine tobaooo, IS/MFP, Lucky Strike means fine

tobacco . And then, that tobacco is . toasted . "iT I S

TOASTED" -- the famoue Lucky Strike process --

brings Luokies t fine tobacco to its peak of flavor. . .

tones up this naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco to make St taste even be ter . Cleaner,fresher,

smoother . That ' s why -- at Christmas time in

particular -- so many people give -- aqd get cartons

of Luckles . A brightly decorated carton of Lucky Strike says "Merry Christmas and Nappy :Smoking" two-hundred times . Remember cartons of Lockies -- so nice to give . . . so wonderful to get .

RTil08 00 2024 9 y -1-

(FIRST ROUTINE) .

(AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON : FROM PAIN. SPNINOS, CAI,IFORNIA, THg LUOKY STRIKE PNOORAN, STABFING JACK BB[II77t . : .WITH M4HY ISVIN]3TONg,BOCRESTSR,

DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND 'YOl1RS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPL4USE . . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : L4DI8S AND 0ENTiSsMgN, AS ALWAYS AT THE HBIGf4T OF '17B's TOURIST SEASON HGBE, PALM SPRINGB IS JUST FULL OF CEIBBNITIES. . .BUf N0W I GIVE YOU THE CEIv.BRTTY 7NE WHOIS TOWN IS TALKLNG ASOUT . . .BECAUSE HE'S THg ONLY ONE PAYINO SUMMER RATES . . .AN!)ID#RE HE IS, JACK HENNY. (APPLlUSB) .

JACK: Thank you, thank you, thank you . . .Hello again, this is

Jack Benny talking . . .and Don, I don't care if the whole

town is talking about me beoause in Palm Springs talk is

the onlv thing that's cheap . . . .Believe me

: I know what you mean, Jack . . .but I've worked.,DON out a pretty good deal where I'm Btayin¢.

JACK : Where? At the Biltmore? A I get fifty per cent off bill and in return I put DON : Ye dv'~J in t' .ree houre~y~sa a lifeguard . And y9aterd2y~ I- «_-6 .~ ait a minu e, . ou did say "lifeguaM", DON : YeE),why4 JACK: Well, it's just that I picture you more as a life raft . . . . with a pontoon in beck .tjea.e--. DON : Well, you can joke all you want, but yesterday a man called for help and I dived into the pool and saved him ..

I-

Ar 9 o 1 oo 2 o 25 o -2-

JACK : Really, Don?

DGN : Yes sir . . .and you should have heard the way they bawled me out. JACK: Bawled you out? You saved a man's life, didn't you? DCN : Yes.J,but when Ijwsped in the pool, three people sitting on the lawn almost drowned .

JACK : Gee, and I've been telling everyone it mined yesterday . . . But, Don -- BCB

: Oh, Jack . . . . Jack . JACX ._ YBob . ~

(APPIAUSE ) G' \ , . ~4-- J- - JACK/:~~ ~~ Bob Crosby, Ladies and gentlemen. ~ . What is it, Bob? BGBl.Pd-~Y,Before we go any further with the show, I'd like to take a roli call of the o astt;a . ~_~ . JACK : A roll call of the oac estra? e've er done that l~' ~bef ore . BCB : :-GF14'Believe me, Jack, I know what I'm doing . JACK: Well, all right, if you have to . . . . go ahead, Bob,

BOB ; Gkay . . . . George .

M4RTY : Here .

BOB : Kerchy .

GUERNY : Here .

BOB : Songer .

JAY : Here .

BOB : Remley .

MEL : Hic! n ~~ . . .

JACK : 3kM.1 .Bob, I want to asi you . . whY do you have to go through this roll call? . DH

Rrxo1 oo 2 o 251 BOB : (qJ_,I always do when ve're out of town .

JACK : But why, why? B

OB : I have to . . . .I'm responsible to their Los Angeles Parole Board . JACK: Oh, I see . . .Well, don't let me stand in the way of the law . BOB : Hardy : Here . . BILL

BOB : Tackaberry . . JACK: Wait a minute . . . .Tackaberry is one of my writers .

BOB : He's on parole, too . JACK : i1EMa . . .He keeps talking about the Pen, I yhought he meant Papeimate . . . . Well, anyway, I'm^g a1 S,~a'K1•-16the boys are 1M . . . . Now if we can -- Oh, hello, Mary . MAFK : Oh, hello, Jack .

(APPLAUSE)

MARY : I'm sorry I'm late, Jack, but I was taking d golf lesson at Tamarisk and I just didn't notice the tiqle .

JACK: That's all right, Mary . So Ellsworth Vinesgave you

another lesson, eh? Di4RY : No, I switched to one of the other follows .

JACK : -!r!¢ . . . Mat was wrong?

MARY : I found out he's married . '

JACK : Mt. . .Well, look, Mary, you don't have to make any dates here in Palm Springs . If you want to go out with someone,

I'm here

: Oh no, Jack. MARY . . .Not with you .

JACK : What?

Iyl

pr 901 002 0 2 5 2 -4-

MAfOC : Your idea of an exciting time here is to walk down Palm

F Canyon Drive and watch people put nickels in the parking meters . JACK : Yesh . . .8aturday was a dilly . . .163 dollars and 45 cents . Now let's get on with the show because tonight we're

. y1d90aft -- Oh -oh .

MARY : What's the matter?

JACK: Here comes Dennis .

MARY : Well, what about it?

JACK: You know, Mary . . .every time that kid opens his mouth, he

says something silly and I'm aggravated for the rest of

the week . But this time he's not getting sLWyy vith it . . . .

I'm raad f r him

: (CObQN6 IN ^Hel b,. DENNIS everybody . DON & MAIK : Hello, Dennis . (APPIAIAE) DFSWIB : Hello, Mr . Benny . . .Boy, two weeks in Palm Springs have sure made you look different . - JACK : (WPISPEHS) See, Mary, he's starting already, DENVIS : I'm sorry I haven't been able to see more of you up here, but I've been very busy .

JACK: Busy eh? What have you been coin:c?

IMIS : Oh, swimming a little every day . . .getting lots of sleep,

eating gocd food and catching up on my reading .

JACK : Your . . .reading3,~ 7

DEN[VIS : Yes, it's nice and quiet up here and I can concentrate . . .

' Hamlet requires lots of attention .

RT907 .0020253 {G .f ~ JACK : Hamlet3 Dannis, AO

: I consider it to be Shakespeare's-- MMIS finest xork . . .althougp

I - d be the first to admit- Aftk there are great quallties

in MacBeth, Julius Osesar and Cthello . . . . but to my va9 of

thinking Hamlet offers more scope and penetr8tes vitb a deeper insight into human nature.

JACK : (HXP74Dg5) That's epouah . Denn,ie! I von'~ lSeten to that

kind of talk .

MARY : But, Jack --

JACK : I dyt:'t care . II m on a vacation and I'm not¢oina to let him ap,rmavate me . MAItY : But Jack, he hasn't said anything silly .

JACK ; I knov, and he's doipR it on nurrose . .Ilenni you're ,r,~I deliberatelv trvln¢ to annoa me .

DENNIS W!,NO, I'm not, Mr . Benny .

JACK : Then bow come vou're talking intelliaentl9? ffiMIS : I can't help it, I was out in the sun too long . JACK

: Huh? IENNIS : But I discovered a vpy to keep oool . JACK: You did? ffi

NNIS : Yeah, I get a big punch bowl, Yill it full ofshaved ice, put in three lemons, two oranges, some gingerale, a quart of Scotch, a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka, and five maraschino cherries . JACK: Dennis, you drink that? DIsTTIIS : No, I sit in it .

prxoi 0020254 1 -6 -

JACK : That's my boy . . . . nd Dennis, now that you're back to normal again, do me a favor . . .just go over in the corner and don't bother me . I~lIIiIS : Okay . . .do you mind if.I read Hamlet? JAOK: Read, read . . . .What a crasy kid . .. MARY : Well Jack, you won't have to put up with him auch longer . Tomorrow ve'li all be on our way back to Los Angeles . JACK : I know, and I've got a big surprise for everyone . Since you're all leaving tomorrow and I'm going to be staying

down here till after Christmas, I want you all to come to my place tonight for our annual Christmas party . DON : UV; that's wonderful, Jack . . JACK: Everybody's invited . . .And Bob, make sure to bring the orchestra boys .

BOB : The orchestra boys? '

JACK : YeBkDUt tell them wtren we serve dinner to just casually

walk into y~g dining room . . . . not to line up and march .

BOB : Ckay, Jacky,(AXIQ'll tell them . . . . but gee, you 46 'better serve them the food right away or they'll start banging their cups on the table : I'll serve 'em, I'll. JACK serve 'em . . . .And listen,kids, Iii

got a nice big house that I rented . . .there's plentyo.~of

room . . . .we'll have a tree, exchange gifts an4have~ ot& of

fun . Don, you take over the ahow, will you? I'm goingg to leave right now and help Rochester get things ready .

DON : All right, Jack . . . . Shell we do the commercial now?

0 Rrx 1 0020255 1 -7-

JACK: Yes, Don . . .that'll be fine . . .What have the Sportsmen

( ~,A Quartet prepared? -

appropriate A DON : 6K'i / It's something very for this time of ! . year . . . Iy's callefl~' itt Wonderland ."

JACK : Winter Wo(n~(S~an/a7G .w~•lngw_¢i4s '. all about snov and

sleighbells . . . That doesn't fit Palm Springs . DON : Don't vorry about it; Jack, ve've got it fixed all right . JACK: Okay, go ahead . . . . 8ee you later, kids . (SOUfID : DOOR CIj03ES)

DON : All right, follows . . . . take it .

Rrxo1. , 0020256 nnw) -8- Y (

Q,UART : SLE7GH BFSS.9 RING, ARE YOU LISTENII53 . IN THE L4NE SNOW 73 GLISTENING

A BEAiIPSF[M STGffi', WE I RB HAPPY TONB3FS

WALKIIi3 IN A WINTER WONIDERL4ND.

GONE AWAY IS TR6 BLUEBIRD ..

HERE TO STAY 78 A NEW BIRD BE SIIYiS A I,OVE SONi AS WE G0 AI4NG WALKSN7 IN A WINTER NONBERLADID . IN THE M6AWW WE CAN BUILD A SNOWMAN

THEN PRETENU TNAT HE IS PARSON BROWN

I LL SAY, nARE YOU MARR IED ?"

OWMffr SAY, "N0, MAN, BUT YOU CAN DO THE JOBWH@7 WE

I RE IN TOWN ."

- LATER ON WE '

LL CONSPIRE AS WE DREM1 BY TEE FSRE

TO FACE UNAFRAID THE PLANS TAAT WE MADE

WALlSINC IN A WINTER WONUERLAPID . COYOTE4 FBIWL, ARE YOU LISTENINO SEE TNAT OWL, EYSS A-OLISTENIIV(i

THE DESERT AT NIUftP IS A BEAUTIFUL 3IGRT PA7M SPRItx}S IS A WINTER WONOERLAN7 .

IN THE SUN ONE RL44XBS .

OH, WHAT FUN F01[7EiTII'&'r TAXES .

IF YOU CAN AFFORD YOUR ROOM AND YOUR BOARD

PAIl4 SPRIN3S IS A WINPER WONDERLANU .

(MORE)

Arx 01 0 02 025 7 ART : SANTA RIDSS THE DFSF7IT AND HB'S SINGII o CONP'D) MERRY CHRISTTIRS, YIPPY-OH-K4-AYE . IN HIS BAG FOR BENNIt HS IS BRIR}IIK} SOME SHAMPCO AAID A CURLY HHW TOUPAY THOUGH YOU ROAST AND YOU SWEfA'ER STILL WE BOAST YOU MED SH6fA'6R

'CAUSE TAKB SP FROM ME, AIqNG ABOUf THREE :.

PAIM SPRIN3S IS A WISPPER W02IDHRLAPID . .

LUCKY STRIKES GIVE YOU PLEASURE

. LUCIC! STRIKBS YOU WILL TREASURE

YES, LUCKIFS ARE GREAT WHEN YOU CELEBRATE . CHRI3TMAS IN A WINfIIi WODIDEHIATID . . BEM'ER TASTE IS T34:REASOW

. LUCKY STRIKis'S ARE 60 FLEASIHG YE3, LUCKY'S THB ONE TO PUFF IN THE SUN -

CHRIS'H4AS IN A WIIVT'$R WONDERLAND .

LUCKY STRIISS ARS MADE OF FINE TOBACCO

. LUCKIES ARE A SMOOTHER SMOKE HERR'S WHY

CELLAPHAID; PROTECTS EACH SEPARATE PACK 30

THEY'RE AU,iAYS FRESH AND THEY ARE NEVER DRY. IT'S THE BRAHI7 YOU WILL SEE MORE

BY THE POOL AT THE BII1fMORE W}EREVER YOU G0 IT'S LUCKIE9 YOU KNOW THEY'RE PUFFIN' IN A WINTSR WONDERLAPm . .

KIES ARS k~7ERY$QDY3 FAVOR~~-A~ . IU S ARE .EVEIYBO/rDYIS0 FAVO/1R~ITE BRAPID . (APPLAUSE)

RT XO 1 , - 0020258 -1G• 1 (SDCOND RWTINB) (SQRm: TRAFFIC NOISES AND POOTSTSPS) JAOKe Gee, I'm glad that drug store was open so I ccµtd finish

my Christmas shopping . . . . Gee, I ga t Christmas presents from everyvhere . . .C.B .S. . .Lucky Strike . . . even my home town, Waukegan . . .I wonder what Waukegan will do for me this Christmas . Last year they did a vonderih7l thiqg, .They

destroyed my birth certificate . . . . Now no one wi11 ever lmow. .(SINGS) JINl3IE B9Id3 . .JINOLE BELL4 . .JIIAIE ALL

THE WAY . . .SANTA N~8 A NICKLS H6RE IF HE WA}71$ .TO PARK A73 SISIGH--AAA. . . . IA+ A4 LY/M, LOM DUM LUM, 101M --

Cops, panlon me, e1r .

ARTIE : That's quite all -- Ir . Beniipl

JACK: Why, Mr . Kitzell

(APPLAUSE)

JACK: Well, Mr. Kitsel, this ie a surprlse . .I didn'tlmow you were here in Palm Springs . ARTIE : Oh yes, I'm here already the last few days . JACK: Well, isn't that nice . .vhere are you staying? .

ARTIE : A place called Ha~~~'s Hacienda, JACK: Harry's Haoierda? ;1I've never heaid of that . AHPIB :..n Natio~ 1_ly advertised It isn't, ~ JACK :ouC, Wall,lif it isn't muoh .of a plaoe, w od you 9tsy there? n ARTIE : Where else for seven dollars a day can you get ;room, board, and a desk full of picture post cards from the $1 Miredor? JACK: Ob, I see . . .Well, tellme . .do they have anpool2 .

ARTIE : Finally I found it . JACK : Youmean the Swimming pool is that small? ARPIE : Small? This morning I had breakfast and the hole in my bagel was bigger, JACK : Well, what's the difference as long as you're having ivn . Say, Mr . Kitzel, I'm having my cast over this evening for a little get-together . .,How would you and ~your wife llke

- to join us? ' GH

ar 801 0 020259 ARTIE : Thank you, but I'm afr aid we couldn't make it . My wife is

still upeet from the steak r~ide lest i t : Oh, your wife was on a 3teak G~Sd6'711 ,' reppB}1ed?. JACK

ARTIE : it took eight man to put her onthe horse .

JACK: Oh, Mr. Kitzel, you must be joking . Your wife's not that heavy. ARTIE : Me, you oould convinoe, but the horse you can't . JACK: You mean --?

' ARTIE : The next time that horse runs, it ll be from a bottle of

glue. JACK: Well, Mr . Kitzel, I'd like to talk to you longer, but I have to get home to help Rochester,

j ARTIE : Go right ahead, Mr . Benny, an:l en oy yourself. JACK: Thank you . .so long.

ARTIE : Goodbye . . .Ob say, Mr . Benny. JACK: Yes, Mr . Kitzel?

why ' ARTIE : Tomorrow if you got a little time, don t you awse over and visit me and my wife?

JAC :~~We 1, I'l be glad to . .How do I get to Harry's Haclexda? ARTIg : ou go a raight down Plam Canyon Drive for five

blocks till you come to the Park Lane Hotel . JACK: Uh huh. , ARTIE : Then you turn left and follow the sign that says "To Harry'e Hacienda" for two miles .

JACK: Two miles? But look; ~bat will take me way up in the

mountains .

ARTIE : T tl e ri t, is a goat : r. Kitzel, you , re joking. JACK . ARTIE: Smell me : What? . JACK 6H

Rrxoy 0 02 02 60 -12-

AHPIE : Goodbye, Mr. Benny . .

JACK: Goodbye, Mr. Kitzel and Merry Christmas .

AHPIE : A n 1 a Happy Yule to YGU-all .

(APPLAUSE)

(SOUND : FOOTSTEP3 . .TRAFFIC NOISES)

JACK ; (SINGS) JINGLE BELiS, JINGTE Bffid .5, JIN3LE AY3, THE WAY. . LA I!\ IA, IA IA Ul IA, . . . '- Gee, it' 11 be flm bing in Palm Springs for Christmas .

(TRANSITION MUSIC)

JACK: Rochester, hand me some more tinsel for the treei

ROCH: H EM YOU ARE, MR . BENNY .

JACK: Gee, I I m sure glad I decided to rent this house from Mr .

and Mrs . Martin . It - 11 be just perfect for the party tonigbt. ROCH: YEAH. JACK: Well, all the tinsel ie on . I think II11 put on

ornaments . I'll ~hie nloe d one up . .0upbip.'ll put the blue one over hei . .OUChI . . .an3 I'll put the green one up on top . .there . .0acbl . . .0h, darn it : BOSS, I TOLD YOU TO GET A CARISTMAS TREE. ROCH ItiQTEAD OF THIS

CACTUS PLANT . nM,„ JACK: Well, Roohester,I'm not goic4g A"W eutarrl buy a Christmas , tree when I have a perfectly good one at home . IM U I want

to p,it thesey gifts under it . .Let's see. .Here'B Ibn's . .some

nice dates , .Thie one ' s for Mary . .Oh, and Rochester, bere's the one I'm giving Renlley . Boy, will he be surprised .

ROCH : H0W WILL HE BE SURPRISED, YCU'VE GOT "SHAVING .LOfION" . WRITTEN ALL OVER THE PACKAGE . . 6R

Rrxoa 00 2 0261 -1~-

JACK:~~10You have to do that with Remley, When he opens a box eM tirde a bottle, he never stops to resd the 1abB1 . .Lest year ~ gave him a miniature ahip in a bottle f14-ttiemeet stuck out of his mouth for three months . .Every time I asked him scmetbing, he had to aryewer me through the orowsnest . . Belive me, I know what'I'm doing .

(BOUND : DOOR HUZ`L&R) JACK: Oh-oh, Roohester .,tbat .must be the gang. .You ],et 'em In and ,aQv_-I~11 go out in the kitohen and get the hors d1oeuvres .

ROCH: OKAY. . (SQURID: COUPLE POOTSTEPS AND DOOR CLq4R) CAST: (AD IS&9) Hello, Rochester . .Merry Chrietmes,stc,

ROCH: COMS IN, COI+IS IN, CRMffi .IN, EVERYBODY. .MR. BHNf14'S IN THE KI'PCHHN„HE'IJ. BE RIGHP OUT„MAKB YOUR3HLYE4 AT RCME.

DON : Say, Jack's got a nioe .place here . .

MARY: Yeeh, but it's so cluttered up . Rochester,h91p me clean

it up.,I - ll throc sam .of this stuff out

: (FRIGHI'8NE D) N THAT NOT THAT, THAT'S. ROCH THB.OHRISTMAB TRSB :

BOB : ~,n Christmas tree4 ~ t~a 'nothing but an old oeAtus plant . ROCH:~,WE WOULU'VE HAD A LR-WEEU, BUT THE WIND WAS BLONIN3 AND

WE LOST IT COAIING THRGOGH INDIO . DON: We.1.t a minute,, .look at that television set, ;$M~yotl-yot a coin box attached to-1t with a slot to put money in . BOB : Well, that's Pay As You See Television . And Palms Springs

is the only place where they're conducting this experiment . MARY: Jack has the same attaohment on his set in Beverly Hills and it's no experiment . .

JACK : (COMING IN) WE[7., E7.HiYBODY ' S HERE. .MBRRY CHRISTMAS . CAST: MERRY CHRIS'BMS, JACK . JACK: Well, kids, Iim glad you-re all here . .Welll have a nice -- (30RfID : PHONg RINGS .) . JACK : ' Oh, theib'a the phone . ROOH : I'LL G6T IT, BOSS. JACK: Thanks, Rochester .

Arxo 1 oo2o2 6 2 -14-

NARY: Say Jack, this is a very nice place . I hed no idea it vas so large : Oh yes . .there's. JACK a kitchen, dinette, living room, two

bedrooms, and a patio . You know, Mary, when you're a

big star, you 0t got to have plenty of room to entertain .

NARY: Yeah. . .I just can't understand how you got ell this for eighty-five dollars a month . JACK: What's the differenoe, I got it . Now come on, everybody,

let's put all the presents under the tree anda- W -- ,Wait a minute . M4ttY: L/ What's the matter? JACK; I had twelve candy canes, and now there are only

eleven . . .where's the other one? NARY : Don't look at me . JACK: I'm not looking at you . .but if your consoleTwe bothers you, they're ten cents each . NARY: Oh, don't be so silly . ROCH: SAY, BOSS -- JACK

: Yewy(;Jiochester. .vhowas that on the phone? .

ROCH: THAT WAS MR . COIMANCALLING FROM nxernrv .7Qylg,

JACK: Oh, Ronald Colman?

ROCH: YB 3IR. .HE WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU'D BE BACK IN Ta@1 FOR

CHRI9TM43 . .AND I TOIb HIM THAT YOU COULDN'T POSBIBLY

NAKG IT, YOU WERE STAYING IN PAIM SPRINCS .

JACK: Gee, that was nice of Ronnie to call . Is he planning a Christmas party? . .

HT 9 0 1 0020263 -15-

" ROCH : NOW . YLS . . JACK: Huh4 ROCH : Hg SAID HE'D CHH<)K WITH ME lATER ABOVL W YFARS . JACK: All right, all right . .

BOB: Hey, Gang, why don't we -R open our Christmsa presents4

JACK: No, no, it's too eprly . .Everyone can take .thqir giftA,

but let's not open them until Christmas .

DENNIS : Gee, I'm embarrassed, Mr . Benny . I got you a gift, but

I left it at my hotel room .

JACK; Oh, that's ell right, Dennis . MF you didn't have to bother getting me pnythinC, anyway ./

DHNNIS : Well, truthfully, I didn't know vhat to get you . .you have

practically everything . .but I vent all over Palm Springs

and I finally found something

: Really, what did you get me, Dennis?. JACK . DENNIS : A Hile monster . : A Bile *mnater . JACK : ~ 'man only charged. ' DENNIS me three dollars for 1t . JACK: " Dennis, A Hile monBter is a deadly poisonous and vicious reptile. Why, it oould snap a men's arm oY'f .

DENNIS : No wonder it took him so long to wrap the~packege .

JACK: Dennis, if that poisonous thing is in your room, you better call your hotel right now and varntheID.

DENNIS : Yeah, I guess I better .

DON : Hey, come on, kids, let's have some fun . .let's get 7Ws party rolling .

BOB: Yeah, let's play s.ome games . .

JACK: Okay.• .but first 1Pwant to show you something, Mery . 84 -16-

MAR4: Me?

JACK: YesV,come on out in the hell for a eecond ..

MSR7C ; All right .

(SCUND: FOOTSTEPS) . JACK: Well, here we are . . .look up, Mary .

M4RY: Why Jack, it'e .* mi stleto_e ~

JACK: That's right . .and that mean I get to kie8 you .

MARY: (SRY) Ch, Jack .

: X-,Come on, Msry . .give. JACK me a kisa . .nov puckerup

; All right . . MARY

(SODPID ; LONG KISS)

I44RY: There .

JACK: I KN&I IT, YOU ATE THE CANDY CANE . .I KNF37. IT, I KNEW

IT, I KNFaJ IT

: All riaht, .here's. M4RY your ten cents . For a lqinute, I thought you aere getting romantic . . ~ JACK: Romantic, ahmantic, .a crime muat .be eolved,~'eoms on, let's get back to the party . (SCNfm; FOCTSTEPS) .

BOB: Mary, what wes going on out there in the hall? M4RY: Ask Boston Dleckie .

3000NOWWAWMPW :~c~----^ JACK: Never mind . . . .Hey, Dennie,i'" d you Pell your hotel about

that Rile monster?

DENNIS : Yeah .

JACK: What did they eay? DENNIS ; Nothing, the phone keeps ringing end ringing but . nobody anavers . JACK: What?

nrxoi 00202 6 5 -17-

DENNIS : Do you mind if I stay here tonight?

JACK: All right, all right . .Now come on, let's get things

started here . . .Let's all sing Jingle Belle . DON : Yesh, yeah . .let'e all sing,-,Q ....J ? (SCUUID : HACR SAW SAWING THR09tIIi IRON 8AR)

JACK: What's that noise?

BOB: Vwk Romley ,gIUOPIL to go home . JACK: (UP) Remleo t enyn that hack saw and,Uge the door . . . . What a gang . . .Now come on, kids, let's sing "Jingle

Bells ."

CAST: (SINGS) JINGLE ESLS$, JINGLE SELL9

JINGLE ALL THE WAY OR, WH4T FDN IT IS TO RIDE . - IN A ONE HORSE OPE[V SLEIGH . . . . JINGLE DEIdB, JINGLS --

MEL: (SLIGRTIS Mo02Ex) NGIn IT. noI$r n O wN . x. W IT RoLD IT :

- CAST: (STOPS SINGING) . .

MEL: WH4T'S GOIN' ON HERE4 JACK: Hold it, kids, it's the owner . . .Whet's the matter, Mr . Nartin7

MEL: I'll tell you what'e the matter . I'm not going to stand for noisy parties like this going on .in my house .

JACK: Now wait a second, Mr . Martin . . .eo what if we are

making a little noise. .you're forgetting~J M 11 m

paying you 85 dollars a month to rent this house . MEL: Whoever dreamed you'd be throwing wild paPties . . .When

you came to me, you looked like a nice, Quiet old men.

RT 901 9020266 y -18-

JACK: But ~~ - - -

MEL : Nov I find out you're a Hollywood playboy. JACK: Look, Mr . Martin -- • MEL : And vhat're those convicts doing here?

JACK: Those are my musicians . . .Fellovs this is p Rartv . ston making those lioense Plotes . . . . . For heeven9 sakes . . .

They're not at home unless they're in Jail ;.

we BOB : I guess we were a little loud, Mr . Martin . . .but didn't

know you were here . ~~p_ M4RL

: We were only having e.AJC~-hr~i~s"t`ma" s party : CQ - A Christmas party4 . DfEG : Yes, if you prefer, we can leave . . DCN

MEL : Well . . . -

DENNIS ; We didn't even get :to sing the Christmas Cerols . tR+[.: Christmas Carols?

JACK: Yes,tve alvays sing Christmas Carols .

MEL : Gee, I'd love to hear that . JACK: Well, why don't you and your wife j oin us?

Mr . MEL : ab you really mean that, Benny? JACK: Certainly, the more the merrier

: Gee, thanka . .I'll go get my wife. MEL and we'll join you in the party .

JACK: Now Dennis -- yeB./Qigo get her . . .Dennis, every year at my Christmas party you always sing a nice med7ey of

Christmas Carols .

ArxqL oozoas~ -19- pgJNIS : Yea, s1r : Nell, hov about. JACK einging them for us now4 DIIiNIS : I~d be glad to .

JACK: Qu1et, everybody . .Dannis is going to e1ng . (DFTUIIS SINGS MECLBY OF CHRIS!PM4S CARCIS)

JACKt Ladies end gentlemeh, on behalf of my sponsor end nq entire staff, I vent to Wish you all a Very Merry

Christmes .

AiNO I _002 02 6 8 69ZOZOO LOH1H

(tt56i 'L aB4o'~op - Pe4Taosueay)

W,a wa V fi - oo : h s s 2 9a

x x vr xwt

1 ..--WY M" noal

~ a o0 o vs xvo oav

9dTSO/S~ Pes[T~Aex# ht(5 x s•r7 1~OGRAY M DECEMBER BISNK OP8NIN0 ~26 ,PAffiiC74L

WILSON : THE JACK BENNY F(t00RAM. . .transcrlbed and presented

by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that's toasted to

teste better !

T `~O~IJ,I~NSD) "If you want better teste from your oig-s-rette,

ORCRRSTRATION) Lucky Strike is the brand to get : . IT'S TOASTBD to give you the best testeyet , It's the toeste (CLAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) oig-e-rette .

T4iey take fire tobacco, it's liKht tobepeo, it's

mild tobacco, to o

Than IT'S TOASTED, yes, IT'S TOAST ED,

because the toasting brings the flavor right through.

So, to get better taste from your cig-i-rette,

Luckv Str ke is the brand to get : IT'S TOASTBD to•give you the best testaye t It's the toaste (CLAP . . . CLAP, CLAP) Cig-e-iBtte :

WILSON : Friends, this is Ibn Wilson. If you're not getting all the en,joyment you shouldbe getting

from your present cigarette, switch toLueky Strike -- and see for yourself how muoh more resl,

deep down smoking en j oyment you get from Lackies' better teste .

(MORg ) DY

RTYl01, 0020270 THE I pCK B8NN1 Pry06RFM -B- 26 95µ CPEWI~[b C01R.18ft IAT

WILBON : A Iucky tastes better usee it's theoigerette (OONTI ) D of fine tobacco and IVS TOASYSD to te8te better .

IT ' S TOA818D is the famous Lucky Strike process

that tones up Lackies ' fine, neturellq .goo8-teating

- tobacco to make it teste even better . Cleaner,

fresher, smoottpr. Yes, find out for yourself . Buy a carton of better testing Iucky Strike!

]7Y

fliX01 .0020271 1 (FIRST ROUTI NE ) (AFL'fiR COMMERCIAL, MJSIC UP AND DOWN)

DON: THE UJCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRIN3 JACK BENNY . .WITH M91RY

LIVINGSTONE, ROCHg9PEN, IENNIS 1NY, BOB CRO SBY, AND

"YOURS TRCLY" DON WILSON, (APPIAUSE . .bA1SIC UP AND DOWN) '

DON: LpDIES AND GENPLEMEN„TONIOHT JACK BENNY D08S ANOTHER

TF'.~[x,VISION SHOW, BUT RIGHT NOW IT'S RADIO TIME . .SO L8'P'S

GO WT TO J4CK'S HOUSE IN BEVERI .Y HILLS. .AS WE LOOK IN,

ROCHESTER, WITH THE HELP OF HIS BEST FR28ND ROY, IS

CLEANIM7 UP THE HOUSE AFTER CHRISTM4S .

ROY: (SINOS) Jingle bells, ,jingle bells . . . ROCH : JIN3LE ALL THE WAY : Oh what fun, it is .ROY .to ride . ROCH: IN A ONE HORSE OPEN SLEIIIIIIGGOCOGHHHHHN . . .NOW ROY, IF YOU'LL GATHER UP ALL THE WRAPPINI'. PAPE6, I'LL PICK UP THS RIBBONS AND TWINg : Okay . . ROY (SOUND: CRUtR'LING OF PAPER) ROY : Sey, Rocheeter . .,I notice that a lot of these boxes that Mr, Benny's gifts eema in still have the price tag on them, ROCH : OH, THOSE,,,THOSE ARE GIFTS FROM THE PEOPIB WHO WORK FOR HIM. ROY : Why do they leave the price tags on them?

RT 9 01 0020272 -z-

ROCH: IT SAVES ABOUT SIX MONl'HS OF AROUMENfS.

ROY: to. . .FflMIX t~ 'I'e s a box that hesn't been~ ~op-~.~,.ned yet . ROCB: I KNOW . .IOTS OF,'EOPLE HRVEN'T COME BYMIRI~ftQgSVP ~..-..-.,,P~ - TMEIR?~ . .POT IT IN THE PILE BEHIND TRB TRSg . ROY: Okay. . (SOURD: RU9fLII'I'r OF TRBg AND TINKhIW OF TRgg ORNANENTS) ROCH: CARg[NL YOU DON'T TIP IT .

ROY 4+-~,DOn't,worry . . .Sey, Rochester, what's thatlittle package /~-•~~.~ `~I~VJOn M® top of the pile?

ROCH : LEl"S SSE. . .OH, THAT'S /4t . . FRANK RHFIIW '3 O IFT .

ROY: ~W ~nd what's the big package on the bottom? ROCH : TRAT'S NIIi . REMLEY . ROY: Oh. . .Well, why ie he gift wrepped?

ROCH: HE I E EPS BETTER THAT WAY .

ROY: Say, Rochester . . .what did Nr . Benny get from his neighbors, hfi. end .JNrs . Ronald Colmen? .

ROOH: THEY OAVE HIM THAT•CHAIR OVER THERE IN TfDS CORNER .

ROY: Gee . . .thet doesn't look 11ke much of a gift . . . . . Thet

chair looks so dull end dreb . ROCH: I ANOW. .,BOT IT OE1'S DffOHTY LIVELY WHEN YOU PIAC IT IN.

ROY : You mean ---- ROCHf YEAH, TAAT THINO HAMSIN'iA1MM OVER Tf6 TOP AIN'T NO RBADINC L4MP . . ROY: Rochester. . .you're kidding,-..aren't you?

flT X0 1 0020273 -3-

ROCH: YEAH. . . NEE HEB REE . . ROY:/J-4,I thought so . . .Sey. Roch, next week is Nep Yeer's Eve . . Have you got any piens? ROCH: YEAH. . . .IOR GOT A .DATB WITH SUSIE . .

ROY: Say, that reminds me, Susie spoke to ma about you the . ottnr night,

ROCH: SEIE DID?

ROY : Yeeh, . .she says tws t you twoi ~ been going together

:S so long, she'e kind of disappointed that you haven't proposed to her yet, . ROCH : WEId„ ROY, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT A IAT .,AND„WELL, .I'VE

B:cN. WITH MR . BEMtY 30 IANG, I'M A CONPIRM6D HACHELOR . . .

I'VE PICxED UP TOo MANY OF HIS WAYS, ROY

: #"-k.But you ought to think about getting marrled, . .you knov,

you're not getting any younger .

ROCH: I'M NOT GETTIN7 ANY OLDE2, EITHER, TBAT'S-.SCMETHINGEI.4B

I PICKED UP FROM FRt . BENNY.

Benny keeps rolling along like ROY 4-4 know what you msen . .Mr. Old Mon River . .,Say, how old is he really, Rochester?

ROCH/: THAT'S SOMETEING I'LL N6VER TELI,ANYONE. ROYL~evR, I know he's not thirty-nine . . . Can't you at least give

. nre a hint about how old be is? ROCH: W„I.L. . .ALL I'LL SAY IS IF THEY DO HIS STORY ON "THIS IS YOUR LIFE", IT'LL HAVE TO BE AN HOUR PROGRAM .

ROY: , .Man, what e apeotacular thet'llmeke, with Indians ~varything.

ROY & R# : (BOTH IAUGH) . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) .

flTYS070020274 JACK : Good morning, Rochester .

ROCH %9-L / GOOD MORNING, BOSS. JACK: Marry Christmas, Roy .

ROY: Merry Christmas to'.you too, F r . Benny i mail this morning, Rochester? ROCH:. JUST A ~CUTARS .

JACK: Wait a minuta . .Wh d ape eJ.'1 thyse-,6tacks of envelopes on the table? ROCH: THOME A CfA: 3 CARDS . \~~.. / JACK: yea . . .$1 Hellmsrk vent on Television- I~'= 111JJ_ leea an esa, .,I'11 heve to atert advertlsi t

ROOH: WO YOU 1,IIffi SOME BRL+AKBAST, BOSS . . .

JACK : No, it's so late and I'm quite hungry . . .What con you fix

me for lunch?

ROCH: WELL, I CAN GEP YOU SOME SLICBD 771RKEY, CRANByRRY SAUCE, CANDIED SWEEr POTATOES, TORK6Y IRiESSIN3 AND GRAVY.

JACK; Is that whet' .s left over from Christmas dinner? ROCH: THAT'S WHAT'S IP.FT OVER FROM 'PR4NKSGIVIN}. JACK: Oh. (SOUND: DOOR HJZZER)

ROY: Do you want me to answer the door, MM . Benny?

JACK: No, Roy, I'll go,, .you help Rochester . (SOUND: P'00'1'3T5PS)

JACK: (HGMS JIN7IE SELLS) .

(SOUND: DCCR OPENS)

HARRY: t4MY CHRISTMAS, tkt. BENNY .

flTX 01 : ;0020275 -5-

JIMMY : YEAH, C}1RIBT _ 3 ,¢ JACK : Well, Joey /, vie . .~rry~Christmes, bqys.

HARRY: Mr . Benny, it is our pleesure as the duly pel .ected

representatives of the Beverly Hills Beavers Club to

come here end present you with this gift fdr which we

all chipped in and bought you~ft as a

token of our esteent . .

JACK: (TOUun:r:uau.;Boya, this is very t0uchipg. . .OPB11 the many

nice things that happened to ms this Chri et:0es, this is the nSceet . . .Come on in while I open it : DOOR CIA3E3 . . .OPENIH6 OF PAC$AOE). (30UND

flTY4O9 ~~:. 0020276 _6_ ~ JACK: Ot~pair of hair brushe Alsn~t that nioe . JIlRAY : I thought it was stupid but they voted against me .

JACK: 1l. . .Well boys, oome on in the next room, I have s .gift for all the Beavers

: (AD LIB) Gee, thanks. KIDS . .That ' s swell .

JIIdMMY : By the way, Mr . Henny. . .don ' t forget you promised to

eto he Beavers annual party we ' re giving this come^ Friday night .

JACK: Oh, I'll be there . HARHY : You know, this year we're going to have girlR, .anQ we're . gonna dance with them, and play spin the bottle and

post office : Gee, I'll bet. JACK you can ha:dly wait . HABRY : Yeah, I wanna see what's so great about it . . JIMMY : (AFTIIt IAUGH) You'll see, you'll see . JACK :~~Yes, you will, 3teveDS. (SOVfID : DOOR OPENS)

JACK : Well, here you are, boys . . .a present from me, to the Beavers . JIIdMY : (IMPfffSSSD) Gosh, a printing press . HAgHY : And what a big one . . .Boy, the Beavers willlove this present because now we can print our own neNspaper, and bulletins and circulars .

JIMMY : Yeah . . .and maybe next year we ' ll even be able to make Christmas

cards . .

JACK : (2Lm, first Hallmark, now them) . . .Oh, wel1 . .,Merig Christmas, boys .

Rrxo 1 00202?? KIDS : Merry Chrlstmas ; Mr. Benny . JACK: Goodbye .

HARRY : Oh, by the way, Mr . Benny, at our last meeting we

decided to raise the dues next year to ten oents a week .

JACK: Ten cents a week! JIMMY : I thought it was stupid but they voted against me . ., JACK : Well, I'm going to uee my veto . .Ooodbye, kide . KIDA : Goodbqe,

(SOUND : DOOR CLOSES . . . . FOOTSTEPS) JACK : (NUM3 JIHGLE RELt3) Gosh, those kids exe cute . . .(HCMS JIN;iLE BF.I[fi) (SOWm : DOOR OPEN3) .

, Well, I guess everything ' s done. .I ' ll be running alon now, Rochester.

ROCH: N(1, ROY . . .AND T4NNKS A LOT . JACK: Just a nute, Roy . ROY : Yes, Mr. Be JACK : How did you like y~ Chrls~rRae gift? ROY : My . . .Christmas gift?

JACK : Yes, didn't you f it . .I ii right under the tree . ROY : No sir . .I did t see a thing for, JACK : We11, I w I put a .gift there for you . . :Coioe on, let's loo~,V`der the tree . . \ . (SOUPID : Fh4! FOOTSTEP3) \~

JACK : f3:nnt . . .Roy, you can get it next week, maybe Remley .will roli off it by then . .,Meanwhlle, Merry Christmas .

RTH01002O27 0 -E-

ROON: SAY, BOSS . . .WHAT'S THIS CRRISTNAS PACKA68 DOIIi7 UP ON THg MRNPLE . .II' HAS NO NAME ON IT .

JACK: Let me see it . (SOUND : COUPLB OF FOOTSTEPS) JACK : Oh, my gocdness . .I forgot to deliver it . .Ibetter do

that right now .

ROCH : WHO IS 1T FOR7 JACK : Hi, the man who ' _ ,k.o._.r... ~..~ are any cslls Tor mev

(SOUND : FOOTSI'EP9 . .DOOR OPENS . .btlOTST$PS DOWN STEPS Oh1TING HN .LOW . .FOOT3TEP3 A1.ON3 CORRIDOR)

JACK : Now to cross the bridge over the moat . (SO(Rm : FOOTS'pEP3 ON WOODEN BRIDOE . .SPfdv4HM SOUPID3) 1.. _Qy .

JACK: Gosh, look at those alligatora . .They4M wonderful guarda . .

Especially this one right un4er the bridge .~: .Say, what's

that swimming behind .her4 . . . Oh, my goodnes6, I must call Ioue11a, Parsons, she's shad a blessed event . . .Isn+t that

eute: qi:-L' ''^'~` "''/~/y-

(SOUDID :OFOOTSTEP3 OFF'&iIDGE . .RAT'Pid: OF CHAINS . .

IRON DOOR CREAKS OPEN . .TrfO ST$PS. .H6AVIFR

CHAINS RATTLINO . .IRON DOOR CFWM OPEN . .

TWO FOOTSTEPS) .

fiT?SO'10020279 -9-

AEARNS : Halt, who goes there . .friend or foe? JACK : Friend : What's the. REARNS password?

JACK : Cleaner, fresher, smoother .

KSARNS : Ch, it'a you, Mr . Benny . JACK: Yes, It's me, Fd : How nice . . .did you. KEARNS come to put some awneyin the vault, or to take some out?

JACK: Neither, Pd . . .this is a social visit . . .IttsChrietmas . itEARNS : Christmas? JACK : Yes . .and next week it will be New Years . .

KBARNS~i Gosh, another year has gone by already. JACK : That's right, Ed . .It'11 soon be 1955

: Nineteeni . . -KEARNS JACK : Yes, yes . .Ed . . Now Ijuet oame down to giveyou your Christmas present.

KEARNS : My this is exciting . . .May I open it?

JACK : I wish you would . . (SOUND : PAPER TEARINC)

REAfWS : Oh, goeh. . .fust what I've always wanted . . .an ianbrella . JACK : Yes, it'll come in han8y in case a pipe ever breaks . . . Nell, I've got to get back, Ed ., see you,e0qn .

Bombs&"

KEARNS : Goodbye .

(SODND : FCCTSTEPS . .IRON DOOR CASES .?:FCOTSTEPS)

flTH01, 0020280 -10-

JACK : Gee, that Hi is always so nice and pleasant . .never

complains or anything . . .I think the next tlme I come

down, I'll lengthen his chain .

I (SOUND : DOOR OPENS & CLOSFS)

JACK : Oh Rooheater . .were there any calls for me? .

ROCR: . NO, BUT WHILE YOU WERB DOWN IN THE VAUUT, NAA19N M6ARICK, YOUR MUSICAi. ARRMI3ER-CAMg 1N . .Rg'S WAITIN3 FOR YOU IN

.,G THE DEN .

JACK :a.~, Oh, I- 11 see whet he wants . ~'~~ (SOUfID : COUPLB FOOTSTEPS . .D00R OPENS) . JACK : 6:.fC,Hello, Mahlon. . MAHGON : Merry Chrietmas, Jack. JACK : Same to you . - MAHLON : Jack, the reason I came over is your producer suggested

that we do this tune on the show this weekalld I wanted . to see if you like it, JACK : Let me-see the muslo . .Rm®s . . .Well, it's toplcal . . .what do you think? MANGON : I'm not sure . ..hum it to me : (TO TUNE OF JIN3LE B8LI3) Ds. JACK da da, da de d8, da de -- You know, Mahlon, you'd save yourself a lot of trips over here if you'd learn to read musio . . .believe me . ., ~~,~, MAffiqNY~1Iatwould, but I don't .vant the boys in the bajld to think . I've gone high hat .

JACK: Oh, them . .We11, that reminds me, Mahlon, I qiah you'd tell the boys that from now on whenever we do a broadcast, not to bring their friends and have them sit up there with them on the bandetand .

flTX07- 00202B t MAffiAN~ They're not friends, they're parole officer_s

JACK: That's what I mean .,,see if you can do solnething about it, will you?

(SOUND : DOOR SiPLZBR) . .

JACK : Excuse me, Mahlon, I have to answer the door . (SCNtID : FCOTSTEP4) .

JACK : (RiEdS JIIfiiLE FML73)

(SCDfU) : DOOR OPENS) .

DON : Merry Christmas, Jaok . .

JACK,~C b~, Merry Christmas, Don . . .Come on in .

(SOIIfID : SEVERAL FOOTSTEPS)

DON : Ch, Merry Christmas, Mahlon, MAffiAN : Same to you, Don . . .DLl you get a lot of presents this yew?

DCN: I'll say. .I410 g t the greatest collection of wiid ties,

and gaudy sporta a . . oa , I il be bugy .all next week exchanging gifts . ` P- A JACK): Me too . . .people oegtainly.~t you silly thinga.d, DCN~,~-~Zlnless they know you,we . . .Like my wife . .,She's t ahe one person who gave me a useful gift . . .

JACK : What did she give you?

DON : A side of beef. .

Rf7f 0 1-00202 8 2 -12-

JACK : No .

DON : Yes

: . Don,. ltAAfAN a whole slde of beef . . .vere you able to-get it in

your freezer?

DON : I don't have a freea8r, so I made a sandvioh . JACK: .40q Your front lawn must look like an elephant's graveyaxd . .Ji4ieYwa .

DCN : ~ Sey Jack,, .Aere, I brought this over for you . . .it's a reooxd of a song by Dennis Day . JACK : A recotd? f

DON : Yest4I dropped by his house, and he hse~a oold^ Ne

asked me to bring this over so you sm hear St .

JACK : Gee. , I hope he feels all right .

DON : Oh, he'll be okay .

JACK : Qf,

Don .

DON : Okay .

(SGUND : STARTRSCCRD OF SOMEONE SI}AIN} AT 98FKS1oW SFE®)

DON : ~ti~;'1)ennie' cold Is worse than Ith, .Vought .

JACK : - `DOn you,4 forgot to wind it up. . ,~.Go ahead .

~N : a . ./JkB~ (SCTIPID : NACNET WINDIN3 . .RECCND STARTIN3) (DBNNIS' SCIG) "SCNG OF 80N3S (APPfAUSE)

Arxo 1 oo2o 283 -13-

ouhded real sve11 . . .It-s a sheme thekid has a aold.

JACK : Say, vt y don't the three of us go over axd visit Dennis aM cheer him up~-Q,..,L ' MAH[AN: I'd love to, but I've got work to do . DON: I vas ,1ust over there, Jaok,,but I'll walk part of the way`pith you,,,It's on nty way home .

JACK: okay . . . . I better te11 .Rochester I'm leaving, CH, Roo TSR .

YFS, BOSS .

to Dery13.Ir Day ' s bouse . CA w JACK: No, going to xalk .. R CCM 1 :1 JACK: Stop qg araoks abqut my oar,,,you'd t that -- (SdUND: PACNS I{IN05) ROCH: (OFF) SHALL I ANSWSR THE PHONL, BOSS?

JACK: No, 2 - 11 get it . . .you just keep doing what you're doing,

ROCR: THANKS, I'M Rb'TING JACK : . . f6ot®

(SWNB: PHONB RINOS . . .TWO FYlOT3TEPS . . . RECSIVER UP) JACK : Hello. .

REA : Hello, Mr. Benny, this ie Gertrude, the C .B.S . telephone operator : Oh, is someone. JACK trying to reach me around the etudio4

19 rxo I 00202e 4 •

-14-

; ," This isn't business .,,I called" gEA to thenk you for the ~ lovely Christmss present ou gave me .~~

JACK• W e ll, -! ~ y p L. ~ ..n a.n-..-v .~.-s^- .. .. 1rtn. . . . . -'^

BEA : A

BRA : jd.wp.. . .Aqyqay, Mr . Henny, it isn't the gift that oounte,

it's the sentiment behind it . .Tbat's why Mable ard I like you . . .You treat us like human beings . . .MoBt people

aren't nice to us at all . _ JACK~ Nov wait a minute, Certrude, on~t go talkizig .like that . .

*]o wonder you and Mable have inferiority oonplexes .

BEA : «e haven ' t any oomplexes . . vre are inferior : Oh. . JACK BFA : Well, thanks again, and Merry Christmas . : Merxry Christmas to you, too JACK ; - (SOIINb : REY:EIVP7i DCMN) JACK : Okay, Don, let's go. . .Rey, ehere-s MahlonY ROCR: 3L WENf q1T WRILE YWWLRE TALKCNC ON THB PHONS, JACK : Oh, . .Well, Rochester, I'll be baok in time for dinner .

Rrxot oo 2 o 2 e 5 -15-

ROOH: (WHISPHLS) PSSSSST . .NHi, BRNNY . . ~ JACK: Hub?

ROCH: DID YW FORGE'P TO THANK NR . WIlSON FOR THE 6IFP HE GAVS YW? JACK: Oh, I'm glad you reminded me . . .(UP) Don, I Weqt to thank you for that lovely Sunbeam Toaster you .geve s1s .

DON: You're velcome, Jack . . .I was wondering if you•needed one . ROCH: MM ONB . .BEFOHE WE GOT THAT, WE USID TO TOAST OUR BREAD WITH G&NOINE SUNBRaNS . JACK: Never mini . .Come on, Don . . .I'll be back in time for

dinner, Rochester . . .

(SOiRm: FOOTSTEPS . . . DOOR OPIIiS AND CIpM . .FC07STRPS

ON PORCH, THEN DOWN FF1J STEPS AND THEN ON CM NP ~~ ~ WAI%)

DONt.~+i,It ' s such a nice day for this time of Yw year . JACK: It oertainly is . . .and .I love to walk. . .especially on a sunny day~~~~- ~-~--~ MEf .: (AS A BIRl(CHIRP3 MRRRILY)

DON: Oh Jaok, look at~~b'eautiiVl bird on your lawn .

MEL: (CHIRPS MEHRILY) JACK1-~,Look,/A~,Look, he's hopping over to us, DON : Come on, birdie,, .come here . N6i.: CHIRP CHIRP, , . CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP . CHIRP CHIRP . . .CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP . DON : What's that, Birdie? t4EL: (WHISTLFS LS/MET. . .L4/MEP) JACK: Well, what do you know? He said IS, b1HT . NG

Rr 901 00 2 0 2 86 -16

DCN : That ' s right, Birdie„Lucky Strike means fine tobaoco .

B MEL : (uruSTIas - )W , wCK rsTxn E N Ues Fr~e To AOOO. )

JACK: Say, you're a smart bird

.: (WHISTI E `3 - I %N(M IT) . M6[

JACK : I'11 be r Hey wa1fC - - I want to try sometnu:g. .tumie, aa.ewu . this . . . (SINGS) IF YOU WANP BBTTER TASTE FR(M YOUR OICABETT&,

LUKY STg IS THE BRAND TO GSf.

IT'S TOAST To GIVE YOU THg BffiT TASTE YET .

IT ' S THE TOAS Mgf. : (IN RFOCPBK) OFQRP„CNIRP CHIRP

DON: CIGARB'1'i'E . . ..

JACK:do This is amazing . . .Look, he's flying away .

ifjSe neede xor' Dennis~^hoase . . (TRAN31TI0N MCSIC) 11FNNIS : Say Mother . . .(SNE~SS) Gee, zMother, I wish I could get rid of this cold .

VERNA : Well, if you'd only take this medicine, son, It would help you a lot . 18NNIS : But I don't like that m9dicine, . .are you sure itia good? VERNA : Certainly ., .vhen I vas a working girl, I alwaya used to take it . a DSHI7IS : Did you have^lotf of oolds then?

pBRNA : All the time,

RtYSp1 0020287 -17-

IBrIIVI3 : I guess that was on acoount of where you worked .

Vffi2NA : That's right . .the only time I ever got axy fresh air and sunshine was when John L . Lewis oalled a strike .

DSHItIS : Gee, Mother, I don't feel like taking that meQioine

beoauee . . .because . . .(!OS SNBg~S AGAIN)

VgEtNA : Dennis, let me feel your head and see if you kisve any temperature .

(SOUND: PAIM LI6}IIT3 PATTINO HEAD) .

IISNNIS : . . . Do I have any?

V&tNA : Well, it is a little warm arou nd the point .

ffiffiff3 : I'll probably be up in a day or so . V&RNAe Son, shall I get you another hot water bottlaq .

Z~7IS : No,ady drank tqree of them azil I don't feel any

better.

VPSNNA &k ,For heaven's sakes, Dannis . . .y ou were supposed to put

them on your feet.

amm Nov she tells me . I~~~.. ~. (SOUND: DOOR BUZZSR) Vffi2NA :'~`There's someone at the door . (SOiJN!)• FOOTSTEPS .,..SIISTAIN IN_$..0.

) Jingle belle, Jingle belle, )ingl

Gee, I lov won3erfui Christmae when Dennis ~ old . . .That waB-the year he ran away from home .. .Ji

bel ;A , -Jingie --

I (SOF3I8h~PF.['~ )

MG 1 ;

arxo1 0020288 -18-

JACH: Rello, Mre, Day, Merry Christmae•

VgBRA : Hhat do you vantp n~

JACR: , . .Auh4 . ., Yell. .d,~I , ve oome to cheer Dennis up. n V8[tNA: You couldn't cheer up a laughing twena .

JACK: Well, for your information, Mrs . Day, a le Agng hyena

doesn ' t really laugh,, .Nhat sounds like laughter ie just

a peculiarity of the hyena's vocal chonde .

VRRNA: Well, it takes one to know one . ~~

10L . Day, I didn ' t oome over to -~ JAC& : . Look, Mrs A

BENNIS : (CFF -- CALl.S) Oh hello, Mr, Bem~y .,I l m in the bedrom•

J • Mqq I go in to see nim, Mrs .. Day? ,VSRNA : Yes, bu upset hook remamber the I von't upset him, I,fust oame (SCUND: CWPLE FCOISTEPB'.F~- . _

JACK: 10, Dennie, How did you get your cold? ~

laNN73 :LSat night I vent out all over town singing Chrietmae carols .

JACN• ut tbe rreather was so nice and baLpv oould you possibly

BE SIIiIS : I sang~u exrbebbie RpynoZdel,wirdow and Hddie Fisher oket of vater on me•

BENNIS : Yea ' , .(SN hZffi)

JACK : Gee, Dennie,,,it ' s awfully stuffy in here . . .ehe11 I open a vindow4

BENNIS : You can ' t•, .I nailed them all shut because Ivalk in my

sleep.

JACK : I didn ' t know that .

BENNIS : Yeei.,one night last veek I valked all over town . .•I

finally wound up in The Brown Lerby . .Boy, vae I embarrassed . .

RTHOi . ;0020284 -19-

JACK : W,,0, I should imagine . . .with all those people there, and you

in your pajamas . LENNI,9 : Who wears pafamas .

JACR : Gosh,~that must have been awful . yy~, ISNNIS : Yeah,~tha manager threw va out because I didn't have e tie on. JACK : Oh, vell, I don't blese him .

9SRNA : Here, Dennis, I brought you soms soup .

JACK: Mrs . Day . . .that'e a hot veter bottle

: He likes it that way ; . VSRNA .

JACK: W . .We11~I better be going . . .Goodbye, De»,nis . D6HNI5~: ~ Goodbye, ~~

JACK :6%r, By the way, Dennls,yrou haven't thanked ma yet for the

Christmas present I gave you . , .

VERIQA : You oall that a Chrietmas gift? JACK : Look, Mrs

: My Dennis . Day -- yF1tNA has been with you 4W over fifteen years and

after all that time, you gave him a tlcket': for a lousey

89 cent car wash. JACK: Well, tell him to uee it on Saturday, it1s .a dollar end a quarter then. . . . Anvwav it's not the aift .that countsl itit`w ti t behlnd it v6RNA : A IAT YOU KN0.J ADOV1' SENPIMBNP . . .YOU WOUIDIi'T GIVE ARTHUR

GOOFREY A TEA BAG IF HE WAS STRANIF.D ON THE MOJAVE LBSYRT

WITH A CUP OF HOP WA7BH

: NOd JUST A MINUIB,MBB .. JACK DAY . . .YOU LISTEN TO'MNr00M

Arxot 0020290 VSNNA : I'N NOT LISTSNING TOANYBODY . ONE MOHB WOHD GUT OF YOU AND I'LL PUT BLACK OIItCIffi AROUND THOSE BABY BI.III4 SY88

JACK: OH YOU WILL, HN4 IBNNIS : HPf HIM, MOM .

JACK : WHAT? ~.~ ~ . IENNIS : OUR TBISVISION SET IS BROKEN, AND I l JACK : WELL THIIT SEPPIffi TT . . .I CAMH OVER H6NB OVPOF THB GOODNE38 OF MY HEART . I WANTBD TO OfM UP IENNIS

ASE P KID IS 8 A}ID A~, I OUt OF IT IS -~~G-~ z/1. ~: J~JIt~° Pr TNSULT9 . . ' AND I'VSHGE N VERY GOOD TO HIN ALL THESfi YBANS, AND YOU SHOUIDBE THB Lh4TSi-..s._ TO

VERNA : E6NHH, SHUI UP !

JACK : TAAT SSTTISS IT, I'M GOING HOME . APPLAA

RTXO1 0020287 ~ ~ 8 BsENNY .raooaAN -c- .

ci.os 3M conu ERolw, DON : Jack vill be back in just a minute to tell you about his

television show which goes on imnedietely after this

program over the CBS Network. . .but first here ' s a word

for anyone who en j oys a good cigerette .

WASON : Jack will be beck in just a minute,to tell you about his television show which goes on at seven o'clock over the CBS Network but firat heraIs a word folanyone who

enjoys a good cigarette . .

ti BR

ATX0.10020292 TEM JACK BSNN7C PR008AM -C-p- 68T #N CIA6IM3 COAAERCIAL WILSON :

(41iAN9CRIBED "If you Want better taste from your cig-a-rette, . ONCNPCfS VERSION) Lug~,yc Strike is the brand to get!

IT'8 TOA8TED to give you the beet taste yet,

It's the toasted (CLAP . . .CIAP, CLAP)

oig-a-rette .

fine ' tobacco, They take tobacco, it s lieht I ~ IONAL it's mild tobacco, too

Then IT'8 TOAS'1'SC, yee, IT'S TOASTED, ~IR6b)g because the toasting brings the flavor right through.

So, to get better taste from your cig-a-rette,

Lucky Strike is the brand to getf

IT'S TOASTED to give you the best taste yet,

It's the t s e (CLAP . . . . CLNP, CLAP) cig-a-rette ;

WIISON : I guess everybody knows Robert Montgomery was for years a famous movie star end nov he'e e star in

television . Metter of fact, his TV show is sponsored

by Lucky Strike . He told folks that he didn't heve

to smoke Luckies for that reeson but he does anyway.

c (MORE)

Rrx01 0020293 TlM JACK BENNY PROGRAM -D- SET CLCg#8INO CODIDEHCIAL (CONT'D) .

NIL90N : Ist me give you his own words on the subj ect : (CONf'D) "I smoke Luckles and heve for yeers . I .like the way they taste ." Yep, those are Robert}tontgomary's ovn words . And they sure mekea lot ofreense .

Luckiee 15 -o taste Detter. They taste better because

L4/NPT -- Lucky Strike means LiAp tobacoo . . .flne, light, naturelly mild tobacco . And then---that fine tobacco is to s d . Yes, it's toasted to taste

better. "IT'S TOASTED" -- the famous LUoky Strike process -- tones up Luckies' naturally apild, good-

testing tobacco to make it taste even better .

Cleaner, fresher, smoother . So the verq next time

you buy cigarettes, 1 r lends . . . . Be Happy - Go L icky. . . make your next carton Lucky Strike

: it's toasted . . .to taste bettef!. Remember

1! BR -21- (TAG) (SOUND : b00A OPSNS) - ROCH : WHO'S THERE? JACK : It's me, Rochester . ROCR : H0.J IS IENNIS DAY? JACK: Oh, he's all r7ght . ROCH : WANT Ng TO OSP YOU SOtR:THIIiC TO EAT?

JACK: No, I don't feel _hu[ gry . . . . Goeh, I don't knoa what to

do. . .I think I'11 it here end watch televlalon. .,Turn

it on, will you please?

ROCH : OKAY . (SOUND: CLICK)

DON : (FILTffii) From Televislon City in Hollywood the Jack Benny Program presented byLucky Strike .

JACK : Oh my goodness, thet's me ; I'm supposed to be on ~ in a few eeconds . . .5o long, Rocheeter .

(SOUND : DOOR CIpSFS . . .RUNNIN3 FOOTSTEpS) JACK: . Gee, I don't want to miss any of my show,I'm going to be so good tonight . See you in e minute, folke . (APPLAUSE & MOSIO) -

I ;

Rrxv I 0020295 i; DDH : The Jack Benny Prograin tonight xes smitten by Milt

Josefeberg, John Tackeberry, Hal Coldman, A1'Oordon ard

produced and trensoribed by Hillierd Marks . .

Lucky Str uc of can Tobaoob Compeny,

oe's Iaeding Manufacturers of Cigeret , -

arxot, oo2oass _2P_

H8AB9iT TANYTON NN 301F Filter smokers: True tobacco taste . . .real filtration . .

famous TANgY7bN quality . . .they're all yours when you

smoke Filter Tip TANT3YTON . Filter Tip .TANS'YTON glvess you eli the full, rich taate of T':REY'1'ON'S quality

tobacco end real filtration, too, beoeqse Filter Tip

TAREYTON incorporates Activated Charcoal, renowned for

its unusual powers of selective filtration . Look for

the red, vhiteend blue stripes on the package . They idenfify Filter Tip TAfLrYTON,the best in filtered smoking.

.WN: The Jeck Benny program was brought to .you by the

Amsricen Tobacco Company . . Amsrica's

cigarettes . . .lepding menufacturer of

RrxP ; ;.0o2vz97