PROGRAM #17 FGVISED SCRIPT
THA AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY_ 7.UCISY °TRII{E THE JArK BENNY p RCGRAM
OiRVDAY,,,,_SAMLARY~;,1954 ^B° 4 :0_0 ° &, .30 PM PS'P
(TRAN50RIE1ED DEC-wMBF~'R 23, 1953)
(=17 ' X 0 9 C71 84 5? 'PEsE AMG7iI0AN TO&1CC0 CObII'ANY "TI-IF JACg 3EP7NY _rAC_GRAM" #17
7 :00 - i :30 PM EST JANUARY 3 . 1994 SUMIAY
WILSON : THE JAC={'3ENNY PRCGRA[4 . . .Transcribed anrl presented by LL"CR~' SLRIISE! COLS.INS : Luckies taste better : CF_ORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoocner! COLLINS : Luckies taste better!
C YiORUS : Cieener, Fresher, Smootner!
For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco
Richer-tasting fine tobacco
COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smootiner! Lucky Strike : Lucky Strike :
WILSON : This ia Don Wilson. Friends, -.;nereos no doubt =_bout 1t .
Smoking enjoytt;nt is all a matter of taste . And the fact of
the matter is I l uckies taste better, Cleaner., Fresher,
Smoother . Now, freshness is particularly important, for if
a ci g arette isn't truly fresh, it oan ' t possibly give you
the an j oviwnc it should . That ' s why every pack of Luckies
is extra tightly sealed -- to bring you Luckies' better taste
in all its netural frestmess . Yes, Luckies do taste better
because -- f irst LS/P+ E T - Lucky 3trike meana iine tobacco .
Then, too, Luckies taste better because they ' re made better, .,
made round and firm and fully _.acked, to draw freely and
smoke evenly .
Mo,s_" I )
HT .'s6 0 1 CI 18457 4 . 4fENING COWk.RCL1L (CO :VTINIIED)
tif1L50N : (GOSFPIM7ED) So, £rierAs, smoke the cigarette that has better
teste ur"nen it ' s niade, and then brings you all that better
tssce '_n a fresh cigarette . Yes, Be Happy -- Go Luc - . Ask
for a carton o? Lucky Strike and f.i_ad out for gourself tfl»t
Luckies really do taste better . COLLINS : Luckies tsste better!
CHORUS : C.lean e r, Freshsr, Smoother!
Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike!
" RT KU1 C)78 4 Sr`E+ ( .rn?s~.at~=~ sxaa
(FSRST ROUPINE)
(AFTER COMMF'.,RCIAly MUSIC UP AND D0,IN)
DON : THE: LUCKY STR]1SE PRCGRAM, STAFRING JACK &ENNY,,,WITH MARY
LPlINGSTONF, ROCHF.STER, DEDPdIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, THE
SPOHTSMEN O,UARTET, AND 'IOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPLAUSE, .,M'JSIC IIP AND DCWN)
DON : LP.D IE S AnD GENTIEMEN, ,.~.R IDAY WAS NEW ~M ARS DAY, AND
1QINsTEE N'FIF'PY-.FOUR `dAS USI4,'} = IN BY THE NATION'S
isR ID I'nON CLASSIC, TII, ROS E BCY,dL GAME BER4J EEN U .C .L .A . AIm MICHIGAN STATE BEF'ORE P. RECORD CROWD OF N+'.ARLY ONh" HUNDRF37 THOUSAND PJCPLE ., mHIS GAN',E 9IWAY5 PROuUC3S STATISTICS
THAT ARE MUL LED OVFR. BY SPORTS LOVERS FOR 41EEKS TO COME
. . .HCW MANY YAFO S BACH TEAM GAINED BY RUNPiI_NG,,,HQr! Ma1NY
YARDS GALNED BY PASSING ., .H(kl MANY PASSES COMPL£^ED ,, .HOvI
NP.yY IfYPERCEPTF"vD,,, ~7 S, EVEN T;+E ,±lAR OF OUR SHOW 3AS
ti STUNNED BY THE AMAZISdG FIGiII2ES COMPILasD BY T HIS
TOCriBArl. CLASSIC .
JACK : A hundred thousand people at five dollars aplece .,,Gosh . .what a gar.re .
~- DON : It must have hee n , .Iack . . .It seems ifffit the Rose Bowl
Gamea get more and more exciLir_e every year .
JACK : Fou t re not kidding,j .~2 can remericer when j;t was only
=1g'ntv thousand people at three dollars apiece ., .Anyway,
Don, did you -zotica that play where Paul Cameron got the
ball ffim --- DON : I didntt see the ga+ce, Jack .
JACK : You didn't--=vlait a minute, Bon . . .I thought I saw you in Pasadena that morni_7g .
DW
53 1- ;+SO 1 0 9l3 4 = 1t 7 ~~ry~ llON :,r'r}~You did, but 7 went right home . . .yr.d I'm never going
there again .
JACK : Oh, cheer up, _ion . . .mayce next year you'11 w+n the prize as the best f.oat,,,And take those ^oaes out of qour hair, you look ~ai.G7,~I~y, . .besides, I thoughtlg'~` ~-
BIN3 : rii, Jac iA „DOn.
JACK : Oh, hello, Bob . ~'''
DON : I~til~ieo, Bob,,,Jack and I wer^talking about the big garce
New Year's :,ay,
JACK : You sew it, didn't you, Bob?
BOB : Oh sure . . .I haven't missed a ga:r,e in the kose Bowl since Bi.ng bought it,
JAC-iLEj :1 Bing,,,bou¢_ht the Rose Bowl?
BOB : Well, not exactly, he bought Pasadena and tney threw that
in, .W i JACK : Oh . . .well, Bob~imuch as I like your brother, we're
supposed to be doing a radio program,
. .Pdow get your band reedy lcl~- __
~ 3(LS : What's the matter, Jack? JACK : ~ Look at Rice, your,bass fiddle player .
BOB : '17h at about h " .im? Iie's "-ahe best baae-pls-Yer in t * country, JAOK : I knorc~but look at hiafiddle .,,~~it has six s ilver
handles on BOB Well, : e ffor You,,,if enyC" happena to him, he\ went -;kaean't us~go to any expense . ~~ J~~." Well, it'e a nice tho ht, but tell Rice t\ put down that ~ shovei, use a bow, andw out the candles on the music stand,,,what a character . HTki 0 1 01845, r'8 DON : BPq, Jack, what }:ind of a program are we going to do t W ay? .iACK : Well, Don, since this is our first stow of the New "ear, I thought maybe we oup_nt to do a sketch hased c~iaa--oh, hello, Mary : rii Jack . . .Hi. MARY i'ellows,,,F.e11o, Don . DCN : Hello, Mary, jAae glad you~re feeling better . c JAC K : Yes Mary, it I s certaiiv.y good to have you ack on the showl P44RY : Well Jack, 1 hated to miss last Sunday ' s program, but I had that thing that's been going around . . .Virus X . JACK : Yes . I know . That ' s why I sent over my doctor . MARY : Sorre doctor, JACK : Why, whatta wrong? MARY : I 1 ve got r,ews for you, he 's a horse doctor . JACK : He 3.s not a horse doctor ; MARY : i3e isnrt, eh? When he got to my house, he threw a blanket ~iver mo and walked me around the room to cool me off . JACK : No . h+ARY : When he sterted to Lra'd my hair, I , threw him out . aw3',r i JACK : uh well then that explains it y-On e day T called him up ...e bandages and toid him my ankles hurt and he sent f over fr,ur . . .Well anyway, Mary, didn.et my doctor give you any advice at aIl? MARY : Yes . (LAUGHINGLY) He told :r.e I had Virus 7; and I shouldn ' t run iomorrow . JACK : Mary, l'm trying to be serious . What did he really tell you? DW P?PY{ 0 1 0 1 k'+4r+r'4 KARY: Well, he said it wasn't dar:gerous, gave me a nerscription and c•herged me t•en dollars . JACK : Uh. yARY : And he told me that three hundred thousand people had V irus .{ . JACK : (Thsee hundred thousand people at ten dollars a-- - Gee, that's even better than football .) MA3Y : Jack„o what are you mumbling about? ~qa f ~ JACK : Nothing, nothinr.TiSow come on . . .this is our New Year's Show so let's get on with it, BOB --,~,,Sy the way, n.ave any of you kids mada New Year's ° resolutions'? DOY : I have . JACK : Oh, you have, Don? DON : Yam.Z .T4 made a resolution to cut my food in half, JACK : Well, r_'m glad to heer that . . .it isn't good manners to take a whole turkey and stuff it in your mouth : DONr}'~ No no, Jack, T'm serious about losing weight . Itve given up breed, butter and potatoes, JACK : Don, if you ever stop eating potatoes, Idaho will secede from the IInion . . .And epeaking of resolutions, I hope that Denni.s Day resolves not to annog me an=,?more with those--- BOB : %.~By the way, Jack, where is Dennis? JACK : Oh, he won't be here for the show . He gets sillier every day, .,FIe sent me a note saying that he wes in the hospital . .Stupid kid, expecting me to believe What he told me . DON : Waitia minute, Jack, there's a lot of sickness going around ., .Dennis could be in tine :iospital . 1?T ;Kpi 048 458 r. .t JACK : Having a ba MARY: Say, Zack4do you m4{ul 1f I don't stay for tne whole program? . . .I'd like to leave early . JACK : b7hy, what do you have to do? MARY : Nothing, I just can f t stand thirty minutes o*' this . JACK : I don ' t blame you . . .5ar, 3ob, as long as Dennis isnrt 'oere, _.:c,„4~,.»~ „-y~t~ ... -- would 7ou consider BOB : (3INCS) Many times, many tiares I have wanted iyQttmE9ti ss . JACK ; Wait for the orchestrat . . . BOB : .G,A(V m sorry~ JACK : 'Pake itt fellows . . .Yihet an eeger beaver . (APPLIME ) (BOBI$ 80PIG - nMAPIY TINES") (APPLAUSE) LW t3T ;! 0 7 C)t8 45 83 (SECOND ROUPINE) -6- JACK:/'hO"That was Bob Crosby singing "Many Times" . . .and very good, Bob, very good . BOB : And no w fo an ncore I wil sing--- JACK ; Bob, we 0 y need one sa very important . . . (SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK : Now who sgn that be? . . .COME IN . ~ (SOUND ; DOOR OPENB) JACK: Hey, it's Mel Blanc : (SLIGHT MOOLEY) I hope. MEL I'm not interrupting nothing, Mr . Benny . - JACK : No, no . . .what did you want, Mel? - MEL : I wanted to tell you that I'm available again . MARY : Available again? MEL: Yeah . . .I was sick with that Virus, but Mr . Benny was kind enough to send over his doctor . MARY : Oh, Jack's doctor, eh . . .What did he do for you? MEL: He gave me a shot and now I feel fine . . . (WHINNIES LIKE HORSE) JACK : ', Mel, I'm glad you're better again, and I'll keep you in mind if anything turns up . . . N~L : Thanks . JACK : Oh, just a minute, Me1 . . .Folks, give Meh'a great-big hand . (JACK CUES IN APPL4BBE AGAIN) ~ . ME6 : . Oh, Mr . Benny . . .I7ion't like to mention it, but this year you forgot to give me a Christmas present . JACK: You just got it . . .So long, Mel . MEL : Goodbye, Mr . Benny . (SOUND : HORSES HOOVES FADE OFF, DOOR CL9SES) Rrxo1 0184582 -7- M(Ay RY : You know, Jack, I like Mel . . .he ' e always good for a laugh, DON : Yeah,, .he wa qi the life of the party at my house New Year T s Eve . -7- BOBN.,/~pon, we certainly had eqgaad time . JACK: You can say thaata.iL.nBob . DON : And Mary7~Il m eere glftdyou were vell enough to attend my party, too . MPRY-3L,So am I, Don,,,I had e vonderful time, .,But I haven't had a chance to tell you what happened after Jack and I left your house . JACK :~.~dAary, , , ~ ~~..,. DON : What happened, Mary,,,utell me : Wel . MARY r.ar JACK: Mery; it ' s all over,.+forget about it . MARY: I will not . JACK: Oh~~12,.-~ hWRY: on . . . w as about two in the morning, a:d Jack was taking me hams . (TRANSITION MUSIC) (90IIfID : BOOTSTEPS . . .MAN 1 3 AND WOMAN 1 3) MARY ;:~/.Gosh, it was a wonderful party5 , JAC1C : Yeah, ,ary,~. .a sn it a lovely night~ out?`MARY : 33 .gure is . JACK : What a beautiful sky. . .you know, the stars look so close . . . and they seem to be different colors . . .red . . .pink., .blue . . .yall~ow, MARY: 3aok,- yhetls confetti on your glasses . RT 90 1 0164568 ,Y" JACK : Oh yes . . .Anyway, .Mary, it was certainly a wonderful New Year's Eve party . .,We sure had a lot of--- HFA3B : (DRUNK) Pardon me, folks, pardon me . . . JACK : Huh? FffiRB : What do you think I oughte get my wife for Christmas? MARY : Christmas? Mister, Christmas was a whole week ago . . .this is New Year's, HERR : You mean ii's already 1949? JACKi~-VTt s 1954 . HERB : Oh my goodness,I better get home . (HICCUP) JACK : Oh well~ everybody celebrates in his own way/„, here's . your use,• Mary . / MARY : YEAH . . . JACK : ,,,Mery, : What is it,., MARY Jack? JACK : Well, since this is the New Year, how about giving me a little kiss? MARY : Oh, Jack, let's not go through that again . . .You always get so emotional . JACK : I do not . MARY : You do, too ., .The last time I kissed you, you ran home, threw yourself across the bed, and cried for an hour . JACK : Well, I always do tMt when I drink too much . _ MARY : You had one glass of eggnog . JACK : Well, somebody spiked the nutmog ., .Anywey,2j'•~^^~I . ~ / L MARY : Well, goodnight, Jack, and Happy New Year : Goodnight, Mary, and • ------Hey, wait a . JACK minute, Mary . How would you like to go to the Rose Bowl Game? arx 01 01 e 4 5e 4 -s- MARY : S~e~~y, that would be warxlerfu, but have you got tickets? JACK : y~0 Tliere's plenty of time,/ - the g doesn't start till tomorrow afternoon . MARY : Tomorrow? It's already two otclock in the morning . JACK :`Y!uiDon't worry about it, I'll gst the tickets . Come on, let's go in your house . . .I wanta use your phone . MARY : That's an old excuse, but I'll take a chance . JACK : Oh, don't be silly . (SOUND : COUPIE OF FOC7tSTEPS .,,D00R OPENS & CLOSES) JACK : let's see . . .who can I . . .well, I'11 be darned, there's the blenk.et,,,you weren't kidding about my doctor, were you? . . . Nov let's see,,,who can I get tickets from . . . MARY : Jack, you shouldn't call anyone .at ' s two o'clock in the i morning . ~+^ r JACK : Yeah, but it'e New Year's,..:who can I call for tickets . MARY : Well, letts see . . .do you know Red Sanders, the coach of U .C .L .A .? ~ . JACK : Not very well . .,but wait a minute, I'm pretty friendly with Jess Hill/-the~ c a h of U .S .C,,,,I111 call him! MARY : The U .S .C . coach -~~he may have -- Wait a minute, Jack, you can't call Jess Hill at this hour . . .he may be asleep . JACK : What do you aean asleep? . . .He hasn't slept since the Notre Dame game . . . . But maybe he i sL1 !t in a good mood,, .Wait a minute, -I lmow who'l1 let me heve isks~eyxtra tickets if he has any! MARY: Who? JACK : Ronald Colman . MARY : Jack, you wouldn't call Mr . CoLaan at this hour . arx 01 0 1945 e 5 JACK : Why not, this is New Year's Eve . . .Hand me the phone . (HUN6 LOVE IN BIACM) . . .DIALING . . .RINGING CF PHONE . . . RECEIVER IIp~IVER UP ERIC : The Ronald Colman residence . . .Sherwood the butler speaking . JACK : Sherwood, this is Mr. Benny, may I speak to Mr . Co]man? ERIC : Mr . Colman is asleep, sir . JACK : Asleep already? Didn't he celebrate Nev Year,ys Eve? ERIC : Oh yes, we had a rip roaring time here till almost nine o'clock . JACK : Nine o'clock? How could you celebrate the new year that early? ERIC : We're on London tiLre, you know . JACK : Oh yes, yes . . .Well, Sherwood, the reason I called is to find out if M1'm . Colmen has any extra tiokets to the Rose Bowl? ERIC : Oh I'm sure he hasn't any . JACK : Gh . . .well, in that case, Sherwood, I'm sorry I woke you up, but I do want to take this opportunity to wish you a happy new year and that 1954 will be a year that you and yours will enjoy not only health and happiness, but--- ERIC : _~'I say, old chap, would you mind seying goodbye . . .there's a draft going up my night-shirt . JACK : Oh, oh. . .I'm sorry . . .Goodbye, Sherwood . ERIC : Goodbye . (SOUND : RECEIVER DCWN) MARY :'>;--..Have any luck, Jack? JACK: No, the Colman's didn't have any extra tickets . . .but they have cross ventilation. MARY : What? Hru 01 01 e 4 5 86 r JACK : Nothing, not~ ; MARY : Jack, itta saq after two-thirty,~I .,I'm going to bed . JACK : Wait a minute, Mary, I just thought of something . . . For the Rose Bowl game, they always put about six thousand tickets on public sale . A1l we have to do is go down and buy them at the box office . MARY : But Jack, there ' ll be a million people there . JACK : A11 right, so look how early we'll be . .,Now I'll call Rochester and have him pick us up in my car and take us out to Pasadena . (TRANSITION MUSIC) Hrxo 1 01 e 458? ~ ~ .(TxIRD .ROi7rINE) -12- ~f- (SOUND3 LOS/SY MOTOR STRAINING UP HIIS ., . .SDSTAIN) i MARY : Do you think .~-genr~~-car will make this hill, Jack? , JACK : Sure . Rochester, give it a little more gas . ROCH : OKAY. (SOUND : MOTOR LOiIDBR . . .MEL JOINS IN AS MOTOR STRAINS HAADER . . .THEN IEVEIS QFF AND GO&4 SMOOTHLY . . . SUSTAIN . LIGHPLY IN BACHGROIINf)) JACK : We made it, Mary, you can hop in now . a (SOUND : CAR DOOR SLAMS) ~J/A.~CK : Try to make soms time am , Rochester . (SOUfIII : . MOTOR UP A LITTIE MORE, AND FASTER . . .THEN " FADE TO B .G .) - MARY : Say Rochester, where were you when Mr . Benny called yoi ?iso ne? ROCH : I WAS AT A PARTY ON CENTRAL AVENUE .. , MARY : Was the party over? ROCH : OH NO, IN FACT, TT WAS GETTING BIGGER AND BIGGER . JACK : Who gave it? ROCH : I DON'T KN(HI . . .THg PSOPIE ]016 STARPED IT DIED SIX YEf.RS AGO . JACK : Rochester, you mean the party's been going on for six years? ROCH : Ip NGER THAN THAT . S OME OF THE P80PLE THERE ARE STILL DRINKING NEAR BEER . JACK : Well, Rochester,"for, heavens sakes, don't they know that Prohibition wes repealed? ~ ' OID MAN THEAE WHO DOFSN'T EVEN KNOW TT WAS 3TARTED, IJACK : Oh. Root~_ste~t~y do you exaggerate like that? It eounds so silly. ~ ROCH : I KNOYl, BOSS, BUT DRIVINGrTO'IAS&EN&,AT F` 0'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, WHO'S GONfL~HEAR OS? ~I JACK : I guess u're right . . ;Now Rochester, I know a short out to~T Pasadena, turn to the left on the next corner . ~ IV Arx 01 0 1845 ee -13- MARY : Wait a minute, Jack, if you turn left, you'll be going in the wrong direction, .,you should turn right . JACK : No, I think left ., .What do you think, Rochester? ROCH : S'1RAIG}PP AHBAD, JACK : iise,,,Look, there's a policemen on the corner . .,Stop tte car end I'll ask him :. (SOT7fID SQUCALING OF BRAKES AS CAR 9POPS) JACK : Pardon me, do we turn left here to get to the Rose Bowl? RUBIN : I don't know, JACK : Well, . .will this street take us to Pasadena? RUBIN : I don't know . JACK : Well, does it lead Into the Freeway? RUBIN : I DON'T KNGrf, JACK : .9.e,~ou don't know anything .,e fine policemen .you are . ROBIN: I'm itot a policemen : Then why are you wearing. JACK that blue uniform? RTiBIlP : I'm a Western Union Boy, but I look lousy in brown . JACK : Oh for heaven's sake . . .drive on, Rocheeter . ~ROOH'!~"YES SIR . (SOiIIm : MOTOR UP,, .FADR TO B .G .) MARY: Jack, we must be getting near the Bow1 . . . . Look at_all the perking lots,` ., JACK : Yeah . .,What does that sign over theYe say? \ MARY : "Park here for the Rose f two dollars ." `~ JACK : What? Two dolla , .,Why'vf all the profiteering rackets . . .two dollars,, .Thk's outrageous .\=that's the most--- ROCH : BOSS, BOSS, THAT'S OUR CWN HOUSE . 8 TSS 01 01 8 45 8 9 JACK : B ,, . , ,,,straight down this street, then turn left till we hit the Freeway,,,Now-letry fokata . (TRANSITION MUSIC) (SOUND : HOBBUB OF VOICES . . .FADE TO B,G.) JACK : Gee, whet a crowd .4 MARY : Yeah . . .Here it is almost noon~,and e we .keaa etaie3ing in this ticket line for five houra, . :Oh look, hem comes the Rose Bowl p Bend .marching into the stadlum . (COIMEACIAL) . (APPLAUSE) C Dd Rrx 01 0184590 -A _ S?ORRSMNg Be happy, go Lueky, Be happv , get better t.ete, Be luppy . go ly+ok7 Oq1LuoRy Strike today . S e h.Opy. go Lucky, And smoke nore Sn '54, B. L.ppy , go 4tok7. Go Lucky Strib. ted.7. (MUSIC) ge h.ppy , go Luek7 . S e happy, got better tuto, B. h.ppy , go Lucky, Go Lucky Strike tod ay. 8s lupp7 , go Luo4r And wuke wolro in 154, Se 1u•ppy . go 1400, Go Lucky Str1la today. \ R7XU1 0184591 (THIRD ROUTINE) -15- _JACK : You know, Mary, there's something exciting about 1!lsiKLg a band at a football game : Yeah. .tMRY JACK : Gee, I wish this ticket line would move,,,I wante make sure to Sa.t---HEY, YOU BACK THNRPs, STOP SHOVIfA},,,I wonder how long it'll be before we 9F;2ilEfte---I SAID STOP SHOVING,,,I can't understand it, Mary ., .people go to football games and it brings out the worst in t~---IAOK, I WARNED YOU TWICE,,,aMID IF YOU SHOVE ME ONCE MORE, I'LL DRAG YOU OUT OF I,IPIE $W--- JENNY : I can't help it, Mister, people are pushing se. ~-- JACK : I don't care if-~'uy -- MARYJJack, control yourself : lieg3, .A11 right . . .Lucky. JACK for her she's wearing glasses,,,,, ., . Sayy•,m getting kind of hungry . MARY : Me, too . ., I think there's a man selling hot dogs over there . JACK: Where? Oh yes . . .HEY MISTII2., .YOU WITH '171E HOT DOGS, ARTIE : How many is your desire? JACK: WHY, IT'S MR . KITZEJ., (APPLAUSE) JACK :%* appy New Year, Mr, Kitzel. ARTIE~:,~ Likewise,,,and seesons greeting to you, too, Miss Livingstone . MARYSame to you, Mr . Kitzel . .,And you know, this is a coincidence .,,the first time we met you was at the Rose Bowl, ~ You were selling hot dogs then, too . . . . aai that was eight years ago . ARTIE : These ere the same hot dogs, I had some left over . ` JACK : Well, if these hot dog are eight years old, I don't think I went any . RrK 01 0184592 -16- ARTI&, - -I+u~ . Benny, to you I'll give the fresh ones~-" They'11 be/six ;, cents apiece : Wait a minute. JACK . .hot dogs for only six cents apiece? Where do you get your meet? ARTIE : From a doctor in Beverly Hills . MARY : (ASIDE) Jack, that must be your horse doctor . ARTIE pickle : Do you want the in the middle and theQ mustard on top, or the mustard in the middle and Arcero on top? JACK : Mr . Kitzel, stop making j ok~es-~. /,•And here's your money . ARTIS : Dank you, Mr . Benny, and a~liappy new year . JACK : Same to you . : d~ (APPL4USE ~') „ JACK : -Gee-~Mar/y`~, MARY : 7R ~ putF. .iDarn~putF.iDarn it, this line doesn't seem to move up at all . JACK : Boy, I sure hope we can get tickets . . .I'm so anxious to see the game . II1DIE : Pssst, hey chum•,•chum• . . JACK : Huh? - PaDIE : You say you wanna get tickets, you say you wanna see the game, tell you what I'm gonns do . JACK: What? ; ~- EDDIE : I gotta pair of tickets smack on the AMg qard line, and you can have them for only fifty bucks . JACK : / SCOUGHS APm CHOKES FOR SEVERAL SECOPIIB) MA l :~ Hit him on I~A bac Mister• he's cho on that ~. JACK : You're darn right I'm choking . . .Look, Mister, you've got a nerve . . . charging fifty dollars for a pair of football tickets . arx 01 01 e 4593 eQ~tie.-.+~ EIDDIE : Th~a~,n't nothir~n, ~ry~~ JACK : That's beside'FQt'`he~ point . . .YCU-c~a-Ao~w~d~ „HEY, YOU BACK T}II(C;, . .I WAR NE D YCU'PHIiEE TIMES TO STOP SHOVIlVG . . .IF YOU DON'T, I'LL-° MEL : (VERY TCUGH) YGU'LL WHAT? JACK: Gee, somebody must have teken her place . MEL : I TOOK HER PLACE, I'M } E R HUSBAND. JACK: Well, oongratulations, she's e lovely g1r1 . . .Now where's thatr `wse guy that vas trying to sell ma those--- MARY : He's go . F JACK : Gh yes, .,You know, Mary, I ,, .Dennis wanted to see this game today, bu s got a bad co , -toe2, end he had to, stay in b MARY : Gee, more people have been--r-Jeck_~ J . ~iP e move. ou're ` n xt at th ticket window : Oh, yes yes,; JACK , RYAN: All right, Mister, how many tickets do you want? JACK: How much are they? RYAN: Five dollars and fifty cents . JACK: , . .Well . MARY: Here's my money, Jack . _ JACK:"0'-TVo'no, Mary, I'll pay for these, MARY : I'll buy my own, I've still got money left from the May Compeny . JACK: Okay . MARY: One ticket, Mister, RTX01 0184594 -18- >l RYAN : Here you ere . JACK : Give me one ticket right next to hers . RYAN : Here you are .,,and boy are you two lucky . .,Those were the lest tickets . (SOUND : WINDG.J DOdN. . .CR&7D NOISES UP) MEL: (DISGUSTED) How do you like that, the lest ticket . JACK : Come on, Mary, let's get out of here,,,Boy are,awe lucky,, .I had my hsart set all year on, seeing this game andII'm going to see it, .,COme on, Mary,jwe're over at Tunnel sixteen . MARY : Okay . JACK : 583e *~nde chilly, I wants get a cup of coffee first . .,You want one, Mary? MARY : No, I don't want to get mixed up in that crowd . I'll go ahead snd hold our seats : Okay . . .SEE YOU IN A. JACK FEW MINOiBS, MNRY,, .DON'T IET TH&a: START THE GAME WITHOUP ME, ~ (SOUND: FE61 FOGPSTEPS ON GRAVEL) JACK : Moa 3et's see, where can I get the coffee . .,Oh, there's the stand over there . . .(HUM115 IQVE IN BIAOM) . . .Oh boy, I was up all night, 7 stood in line for five hours, but it was worth it to get this ticket . . .(HUMS IAVEIN BIAOM) HY :(S2RAIGHI') Hey Mister . . .Mister, JACK : Huh? HY : How msny tickets you got to the geme? JACK : One, HY : What did you pay for it? L-, JACK : Five-fifty . HY : I'11 give you six dollars for it . . d DW AT}i01 0164595 -19- .JACK: What? Are you crazy? I've been looking forward to this game all year,, .I've been up all night calling people, begging people for tickets . I drove all the way down here from Beverly Hills in that traffic,,,I waited in line all night to get this ticket . HY : I'll give you eight dollars . -- JACK : It's guys like you that always ypynbe, .~ yHrnr much? HY : Eight?bucks : ...... JACK ...... Mister, do ms a favor, will you?, HY : What? JACK : ThereIll be a girl sitting next to you, tell her you picked my pocket,-+~a,t% ~ns+~7 HY : Okay . . .here's your money . JACK : Thanks . . .so long, Mister, (SOUND : FOOPSTEPS) JACK : (HUMS LOVE IN BLOOM) Gee, I hate to miss that game, . .but then again, with this money I can-- -W ait a minute . . . what kind of a five-dollar bill did he give me? Look at the pioture on it . . . Liberace : . .On the other side is ~1!v~; s~ ~brother, George . . . flff, HEY MISTER . ., OMZE!~, .,COME BACK . .,COME BACK S E fiE . . .COME BACK (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF) RT 9 01 01 9 4 5 96 A, " ~HE J~K3BE1NN915'4PRGGRAM -C- CLGSING C06NIERCIAL WILSON : Jack will be back in j ust a minute, but £irst a vord from the Sweetheart of Lucky Strike . CGLLINS : Hi, friends . This is Dorothy Collins . y'know, I'll bet (E .T .) that if someone asked you why you smoked . . . what it vas, exactly, you liked about a oigarette . . . I'll bet the important word in your answer would be "taste" . Because, gee, isntt good "taste" what everybody wants in a cigarette? Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . - And the fact of the matter is uckies taste better! And there are two good reasons why that's true . In the firsB place, 13/MFT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco . And second, Luckies are made better to taste better . Made round and firm and fully-packed to draw freely and to smoke evenly . And that, friends, is the whole story . That's exactly why Luckies taste better . Because Luckies are made with fine tobacco . . . and because they're made better . Why don't you try a carton soon . Be Happy -- Go Lucky . How 'bout it? COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! CGLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco CGLLINS : Luckies taste better! '~ CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, 3moother Lucky Strike! Lucky Striket HrH 01 0 1 8 4597 -20- Well, anyway, Don, now you know 16F I'11 never go to another football game with Jack . DON : pr?d, I don't blame you, Mary . JACK : That smart guy . . . buying my ticket with that phoney five dollar bill . . . 7i µke to see him again , w9 .I'd tell him plenty . 077 MARY : Well, drop inlR Ciroa tonight and you can . JACK : aHow do you know he's going to be there? MARY : I've got a date with him . JACK : How do you like that . . . Goodnight, folks . (APPLAUSE) DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Balaer, John Taokaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . " The Jack Benny program was brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company . . . America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes . ATXO1 0104598 PROGRAM #18 REVISED SCRIPT AN ERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LIICKY BPRIKE TRB JACK BRrlRY PROGRAM SUNDAY, JANUARY 10, 1954 CBS 4•CO - 4•30 PM PsT (TRnrrsCRIBRD, JARCAR7r 7, 1954) fiTH 01 0 1 8 4599 THE JACK BIIYNY PRqqccRAM -A- JANUARY 10, 1954 ~TRnNSCRIDID JANCARY 7, 1954) AMERICAN TOBACCO C0 . OPIIQING COMbE2CIAL WILSON : The Jack Benny program . . . transcribed and presented by Lucky Striket COLLINS : iuckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother COLt .INS : Luokies taste better d CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother For Luckg Strike means fine tobacco Richer tasting fine tobacco COLT.INS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother Lucky Strike hucky Strike WILSON : Friends, this is Don Wilson to tell you that Iuokies . . . T, .n41na F = ••• g8a2.P l That ' s right, yyA agaip in a national smoking survey among college students . In 1952 a survey was made in leading colleges throughout the country which showed that smokers in those colleges preferred luckiee to any other cigarette . In 1953 another nation-vide survey was made-- a representative survey of .qll students in regular colleges from coast to coast . Based on thousands of actual student interviews -- this survey shows that Luckies lead again-- lead over all other brands, regular or king-size-- g a l g g,vide margip. The number one reason-- T .u nvinn : better taste . Yes, IAUckies d2 taste better . First, because they t re made of light, naturally mild, good-tasting tobaooo . (MORE) fiTi{01 0 18460 0 THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM -B- . JHNUARY 10, 1954 (TRANSCNIB~9 JANUARY 7, 1954) OPINING COLRa'S2CL1L (CONTID : I3/MPT--LUcky Strike.) WIISON meapS fine tobacco . And then, (CONTID .) Lookies are MadQ better-- made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely . . . smoke evenly . Aotually Mgdl to taste better .. After all, smoking en j oyment is a11 a matter of taste . And the faot of the matter Se 1&ckyg8 taste better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . So be happy -- go Iucky . Get better taste -- with a carton of yucki@g! SPORTSMEN Be happy -- go Incky ARPA' : Long Get better taste today Close) ATH01 0184601 r (FIRST ROUTINE) -1- (AFTER COMMERCIAL, N&JSIC UP AND DIk7N) DON : THE IACKY S1'RIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITH MARY LPIINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, DffidNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPLAUSE . . . MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMgN, IN PRESENTING THE STAR OF OUR SH(hl, IT GIVbS ME GREAT PLEASURE TO BRING YOU A MAN WHO--- G ny.n. ..(c JAC : A Just a minute, Don . . .hold it a minute . DON : What? JACK : Don, today, instead of yyy introducing ma, Jim going to introduce yqil . DON : Me? JACK : Yes, Don . . .Ladies and gentlemen, today not only marks the anniversary of Don Wileon's thirtieth year in radio . . .but it also commemorates his twentieth year with me . So, Don, take a bou . (APPLAUSE . . .AND BAND PLAYS "FOR HL'S A JOLLY GOOD FELIAW") DON : Oh, Jack, this Ss so touching . JACK : (SLCWLY) Don . . .this day is yours . Today we will all pay homage to you . When I say "we," I mean the entire cast . Your slightest wish will be our coaumnd . Whatever you . . . Don . . .Don . ./1~. ou'reucrying . DON : ,~ (SNIFFLING)n I c%~' i help it, Jack . JACK:;~~LV The way those tears are running between your chins, it looks i like you 44 me irrigating something . . . Now Don, please stop sniffling . ~T~~''~~'` DON :~%{~I'm all right no .(! ~ I,just couldn't help getting emotional i ~ when I realized that you've been with me for twenty years . ATX01 0184602 - 2 - No no, Don, you've been with pl@~ mg. DON : To think that I came on this show when it was dW1 ;. . .and because of--- JACK : Downl DON : And because of my personality and showmanship, I raised it to the pinnacle of success . JACK: DaA-~~ A • - - DON : It wasn't easy and there were many setbacks . But every time the show was Qo_qn, I brought it up again : Now wait a minute, Don . . .my show was never. JACK down . . .So don't make~ ge up . . ._,i ~ ~aC`a`~~g'~° 'DON : Well,,~ let's not argue,'K'd66lk .,~ .And I do want to thank you for making this not only a memorable, but a nrofitable - occasion . BOB : Profitable? What did Jaok do for you, Don? Aa6 TeCI~ ~ov JACK : Go ahead, Donsy, tell h4m, : Well, Bob . . .not enly did I get five . DON hundred dollars cash, but - I also got a brand new DeBota convertible for my wife, a trip to New York for the two of us on the Super Chief and a whole week at the Waldrof Aatoria . . .And Jack, I want to thank you from the bottomo''' ~~~/of my heart . BOB: ~ Gosh . . .Jack gave you all Lbat? _ DON : No, but it was his letter that got me on Strike It Rich . JACK : You're darned right . ,~ BOB: Well, Jack . . .I guess it won't seem like much nw . . .but,~ws~in/ce today is Don's twentieth Annivers~ry with you . . .the boys in . , the band got something for him~ .4Bere it is, Don . RT 9 07 0184603 -3- DON : ~ . Gee, thanks, Bob . JACK : ~ What }s it, Don, what is it? DON t~yaelrro..~ : n' Wai n t li I ra t . /,4/~ pr, cr/c .. 90TJPID : PACKAGE UNWRAPPING) DON : Ohhh . Jack, look at this . .-.a diamond-studded cigarette lighter : I ' m gla~you. BOB like it, ,Don . My musicians went through a lot Ar of trouble to get it~ JACK : Well, Bob, that ' s a beautiful lighter your boys got for Don . . . But you t d think it would be wrapped a little better . Who did it? BOB : The owner of the store . JACK: The owner of the storet I could have wrapped it betterthan that . BOB : Not with your hands up over your head . . JACK : Heb. . .Bob, you me the boys held up a jewelry store? yo~c a~e, BOB : flWIt was an accide ~ W14en the~y v~ jnto the store, Remley had his guitar under his aoaBA . .the •~man thought it was a machine gunfacthrew up his hands and said, "Take anything ~ you vant ." JACK : W., :,-Fhat's still dishonest . Frankie should have opened ,,~ his coat and showed the Jeveler that it vasn't a gun . BOB : ~1, Frankie did better than that . He took out the guitar, started to play and the,$ guy said : "Look, you got what you want, stop torturing me!" a -1 a." JACK : Well, that I can unde i Anyway, WW ~46Af '..,~~ ATXO1 01 8 4604 -4- Hello, Jack . . .I'm sorry I'm late, but I was baking th}5 cake . It's for Don Wilson's anniversary . JACK : 0 DON : That very sweet of you, Mary . I appreciat it . JACK: Say, th e's some writing on the cake, to Read it, Mary . MARY : Ckay . . .Ahe . . .To Don Wilson . This e ie topped with ohoo te oreem The mid e is filled with 1y . But, if yo eat it all a once, You'll get a in in stomach : Mary, that's corny . .y ay "Stomach" doesn't. JACK rhyme with "jelly ." MARY : Go argue with the cen JACK : Oh, yes, yes . MARY : And, Don, I do w t to oongratu4te you on this ocassion . You must be ve proud . DON : Oh, I am, . It gives me great tisfaction to think that twent years ago I took thls pro em when it wa® aM and by ~my--_ JACK : IT WA$N'T DGWNI . . . . t.[y program was always opular, and I can pro~ it . . .t4ary, what was my Booper rating~hen I first went radio? MARY : '6, V, EYE . JACK :/X, V, I? MARY : They were using Roman Numerals then . RTY{01 0184605 -5- - JACK : (Id416iffN6) ala . . .This show isn'.t five minutes old and already I'm aggravated . DENNIS : That makes tµo us . JACK : Oh hello, Dennis .~.whet's the matter with you? DENNIS : I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning . JACK: So what? DENNIS : I fell out the window . JACK : What? DENNIS : It's three stories . . .Boy, am I lucky I wea 't hurt . .~ JACK : -~ (SAHCASTIC) Ob, you landed on your headq. .Was that it,~+- ~Y Dennis? / DENNIS : No, on the mailman's heed . JACK: Oh fine . DENNIS : I guess he'll have to fin9 himself a new job . JACK: A new job, why? DEMIYIS!U4Ow he's too short to reach the mail boxes . JACK : : I don't know, Dennis . . .everybody else just goes along . . . ~~~why do these stupid things keep happening to you? DENNISa-+~7 I guess it's because I got such a bad start in life . You know, I was en incubator baby . JACK : An incubetor baby? How much did you weigh? DENNIS : Eleven pounds . JACK: R*eseecVeends? Dennis . . .if you were that big, why did they keep you in an SncubatorR DENNIS : They were afraid to let my mother get her hands on me . JACK : Well, what did your father have to say? ~ DENNIS : Nothing, he was hiding in there with me . ATXO1 0184606 -6- JACK: ~nnis, this is all very interesting . . .but vhy don't you just sing nov, end save the rest of your biography for "This Is Your Life"? DENNLS : I'd rather yp~~t me pn~'Strikg_It Rich ." JACK: All ri~t, -pu~` st sin-g(./,~w / ffiirIIS : Yes sir. (APPLAUSE) '~ (DENNIS'S SONG -- "THAT'S AllURE") (APPL9USE) . ATXO1 01 8 4607 (SBCOND ROUTINS) -7- JACK : That was Dennis Dey singing "That's Amoray" with th e Sportsmen Quartet . . .And fellows, if you don't mind, I'm dedicating that song to Don . . . . You see, this Is a special occasion today . It's Don Wilson's twentieth anniversary with me . And in honor of this, for our feature attraction tonight, we're going to do a special sketch based on the life Le~ - (SOUND : PHONE RINGS) 2 ^"'-i JACK : ~11~ get it . (SOUND : CoUPIE FOOTSTEPS . . .RPsCSIVER UP ) JACK : Hello . ROCH : HEIdA, M . BENNY, THIS IS ROCH6S7'kR . (APPiAU3E ) JACK : Rochester, I ' m in the middle of my show . . .what do you want? ROCH : WELL, BOSS, DO YOU Rffi.IIDM THAT SWEET ISTTLS OLD LADY WHO CAME BY FIERE IAST WEEK? JACK : Little old lady? _ZW- AOCH : YOU KNOW . . .THE ONE 10i0 SOLD YOU THAT FIFTY CENT RAFFLE TICKBT ON A COCIffii SPANIEL . JACK : Oh yes, now I remember . ROCH : WELL, SHg- S HSCK AGAIN . JACK : Rnmm . . .What does she want this time ? ROCH : A HUNDRED THOUSASID DOISARS, SHE FSLL DOWN YOUR STEPS . JACK : Fell dowa-My*---Rochests, shs's suing me for a hundred thovsand dollars ? ROCH : CHEER UP, BOSS, I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FOR YOU, TOO . JACK: What good news? RU AT}S01 0164608 -a- ROCH : YOU WON THE DOG . . JACK : Rochester, who cares about the dog? I'm being sued for a hundred thousand dollara . Tell me, vas the vm:an badly hurt? ROCH : SHE CIAIMS SHE SPRAINER AJ{~'RLE _ JACK : Sprained her ankhe? , thst's no grounds for a suit like that . ROCH : THATIS WHAT I TOLD THE FOUR MEN WITH H6R . JACK : Four men? Are they lawyers? ROCH : I THINK 50, TH£sIR NMSBS ARE HAHEAS, CORPUS, DELBCTI, AND GEISLER . JACK : Geisler! She just sprained her ankle, I didn't blacken her ~_~ eye . . . jAnd listen, Rochester, you tell them this outragecu . nobody can collect a hundred usand dollars for a sprained arl le.` ROCH : I DID, BUP THEY SAID THE~ 0 TAROUGH THE COURT RECORDS AND FOUND A PRECEDII~T IT . JACK : WHat precedent? ~ '~ OCH : THE CASE OF K BENNY VERSUS THE SRREEfCAR COMPANY . I i7ACK : That was ferent . . .I didn't fall, the motorman threw me 1 ' off . ., .Now look, Rochester, don' admit anything and get i n touch with my insurance man, I'm covered for things like t his . ROCH : OKAY . JACK : I'll see you later . . .goodbye . ROCH : GOODBYE . . . . OH, SAY, BOSS . JACK : Nav what? ROCH : WE JUST GOT A COPY OF PARADE MAGAZINE AND YOUR PICTU@E IS ON THE COVER . 1 RU RTH01 0184609 -9- r, JACK : Parade Magasine? Oh yes, and my picture is in color, isn't it? ROCH : UH HUE . JACK : How do my eyes look? ROCH : GREEN . JACK: Green? ROCH : THERE'S A SPINACH AD ON THE OTHER SII$ OF THE PAGE : A spinach ad? . JACK ROCH : WHEN YOU HOLR IT UP TO THE LIGHT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE PEFIQNG THROUGH A IIERCE . JACK : All right, all right . I'll see it when I get home . Goodbye . HOCH : G0000000000000DBYE . . (SOUND : RECEIVER DOWN) (APPIAUSE) JACK : Now where was I? . . .Oh yes, as I started to say . . .tonight for our feature attraction, we're going to do the story of Don Wilson's life . DON : (MODEST) Oh, please, Jack . thia is rassing . BOB :7~•^d)on'V~~ so modest, Don . . . . .yo~u deserve it . '7 1 DEfINIS 11 say. After all, you took the shov when it was down and- ~ JACK :=It wasn't don! . . .And anyway , Dennis . . . that was twenty years ~ , ago and you were only eiglht at the time . . .so how would you ]mow? DENNIS : I bad a radio in my incubator . JACK: Yeah, yeah, incubator . . .Now come on . . .let's get on with it . . . IADIES ANQ GE[V2T.EMEN . . .IN HONOR OF DON WILBON'S TWENTIEl'H YFAR ON MY PROGRAM . . .WE'RE GOING TO AtESENT A PIAY BASED ON HIS LIFE . . . ."THE DON WII80N STORY" . . .OR "L= CAN BE PLENTIFUL" . . . . CIRTAIlQ . . . . MUSIC . . . (MUSIC) HTii01 0184610 -10- JACK : (FIIlPIIt) OUR STORY OPENS IN DBINVII2, COIARADO, MANY YEARS AGO . ~ THE STORK HAS JUST DELLVEHBR A PRECIOUS BUN4LE TO THE HOME OF MR . AND MRS . DONALD C . WILSON, SENIOR . . .THE MOT747i HAPPILY - WHISPEHS TO THE FATHQ2 . LOIS : Darling, it's a boy . . JACK: (FILTIIi) AND THE PROUD FAT}ffii SAID--- BOB : Yes, aren't ve lvcky . . .the stork brought us a boy . JACK : (FILTER) AND THB STORK SAID--- MEL : (STORK VOICE) Oh, my aching back : JACK : (FIL1'FR) AS THE PROUD PARENTS LEANED OVER THE CRIB LOOHING AT THEIR NEWBORN SON, THE BABY SAID--- NEL : (CRIES VffitY VIItY SOFTLY) II C. JACK : THREB DAYS LATER HE SAID--- ' MEL : (CRI68 LODD . . .I vent a roaet beef eandrrich . . .(CRIES) JACK : (FILTER) BE WAS DEVffiL7PING SIANLY . . .DORING '1'HAT FIRST WEEK TRREE NURSES QUIT BECAUSE THEY JUST CODLDf1'T STAfID GIVING HIM HIS BOTTLE . IT WAS ESASPFSiATING . . .THE GRAVY WOULD SW i TBROUGH, BUT THE MASHED POTATOES SB;Rfi MARDNR . . . . .AIlPROWH HIS PARENTB DID HAVE .BUT DONALD WAS A GOOD BOYTROUBLE GETTING RIA4 TO SIELP . BOB : Nov come on, Baby . . .cane on . .itttime fcr beddy bye . MEL : (CRIES) . BOB : Now Baby, stop that : (CRIES MORE) BOB . MEL : Baby, stop . MEL : (CRIES) BOB : &1BY, PUT &1B DOWN : . ATtt01 0184611 -11- !,- MEi. : (STOPS CRYING) , LOIS : You better let me have him, dear . BOB : Okay . LOIS : Now Donald, close your little eyes and Mamay vill sing you to sleep . MEL : (GURGLES HAPPILY) LOIS : (SINGS) Rockabye, baby, inthe tree tcp . When the wind blowe, the cradle4vi11 rock . If the bough breaks, the .cradle will fall, Down will c w e ponald,.Denver and all . . . -Look dear, he ' s asleep . (FIIfiER) WHEN IpN WAS SIX YBARS OLD, THEY SENT HIM TO SCHOOL . . .THE TEACHFR LOOIED UP AT HTM AND SAID~-__ And now I'd ou children to recite tbe~slphabet, . . Donald Wilson, you go fire (IN CHILDIS VOICE) A, B, C, I, J, K, L, S, M, F, T . That's correct, Dona (FILTER) THE T q&M USED TO WORK FOR THE BOARD OF I FAUCATION BVP LUCKIES PAID MORE . .~ YEARS PASSID QUICKLY AND IpN ENTFRfiD COLIBGE, . .AND SINCE RIS BURNING AMBITION WAS TO BECOME A RADIO ANNOUNCER, HE MAJORED IN AACL'PION . DON : Hov . . .now .~o~cw . . .Hqv ~nov~IO. .,brown . . .cow . _ICrs .. JACK : (FILTER) A1~DO~P7YS PAIp~°.J -BTR .XN TO WHAT HIS PROFR4SORS TOLD HIM. RT 80 1 0184612 -12- QUART : OH, DONNY BOY, YOU SOON WILL LEAVE TH6E HALIAWE~D 7HALiS ,~,~~~~~ TO FACE THE WORL1) AND ALL THE FVfI1RE BRINGS- ^' ~-"./° BE NOT AFRAID BUT G0 WHERE EVFR DUPY CA ~/ ULiS WITH YOUR DFX31~.'8 OF L~ M¢'T, OF MFT MARTY : But remember, Bm, /w6en you beoome an announcer en0 step up to tW-ticrop4one you've got to -- ' QUART : ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE ELIMINATE THE NFIiATIVE u-w1Zi .ATCH ON TO THE AFFIRMATIVE DON'T MESS WITH MISTER IN8E1WEQi YOU- VE eG0'' TO . IATERITY .2-~R ADD°0 YOUR POP V RITY DON'T ME5S WITH MISTER INBEfW&FSI TO ILLUSTRATE OUR LAST REt4ARK JONAH IN THE WHALE, NOAH IN THE ARK WHAT DID THEY SAY, JUST WHEN EVEEZITHING I,OOEED SO DARK? I SURE WOULD L'IXE A LUCKY YEAH, Ml1Ni IT'S LUCKY STRIKE IqR ME LIGHT UP, WE KNOW THAT YOU'LL AGREB PUFF ON AN IS MFT DON'T hR5S WITH MISTER INBEI'HEHV OH N0, DON'T MESS WITH MISTER INBEfNEET1 . QUART : HOW. .NOW. .BROWN . .COW HOW. .NOW. .BROWN . .COW BEPTER TASTE . .YOU'LL AGREE IS DFT BE HAPPY, GO UJCKY STRIEE (APPL0.USE) ATH01 0184613 -13- (THN2D ROUPINE) JACK : (FIIICER) DON WAS A BRILWANP STUDENT AYm HE GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE MAGNA CUM LNRDY . . . . . BS/P THE NIGHP THAT HE hAS PACKING TO LEAVE THE CAMPUS, AE Gf/P AN EMERGENCY CALL . HIS FATHER HAD MET WITH AN ACCIDENP . DON DROPPED EVERYTHING AN) RUSRED TO THE HOSPITAL . SANDRA : You mey go in end see him now, Mr . Wilson . DON : Thank you, nurse . J SANDFA : Oh . .end don't stay too long . It was quite an accident . . .and . .well, your fatherHs ug ite old now . DON : I keep forgetting .I it:awve+n•~t' seen him for years . ~ (SODfID : FEN* FOOTSTEPS IN CORRIDO i AND DOOR OPENS) DON : (SOHTLY) Dad . . .Dad . : (AS OID MAN) Howdy,. DENNIS Blubber . DON : Dad . .thia accidant . .Whan did it happen? DENNIS : This morning . DON : Ws-4t~ cer? DENNIS : Nope . ~ DON:~ Was it e truck?DENNIS : Nope . . DON : Was it a rain? '\ . DIIVNIS : Nope DON : en how did it happen? -~ DE'NNIS : I fell on a mailman . DON : Gosh, Dad . .I,jc It get over it : Whatia that, son? . DENNIS CB RTH 0 1 01 9 4614 -14- ~ DON : We11 . .I know it's been a long tims since I've seen you . . .but !( IdRardly recognized you . How cone you look so different? DENNIS : Beceuse Bob Crosby can ' t play the part of an old man. JACK : (FIIM) DON HAD MADE UP HIS 14IFID TO BE A RADIO ANNOUNCER . R . . .AIICHOTAH DON DIDN'T KNOif IT AT THE TIME, OUR PATHS WERS ABOUT TO CROSS . I WAS DOING A SHOr! THEN FOR THE HAYMA'F0~7- .-CORSEf COMPANY, AND ONE DAY MY SPONSOR CAISED, So I AbID WENT STRAIGHf TO HIS OFFICE . . . (SOIIAID : A FA1 FOOTffi'EPS) Xp~ &, ^"' geg~-yec~7 sponsor really has a nice building here . ....,.,~ And fp certainly llsvee in vertieing . . . look at that big Neon sign. .'h7 M ZWZp4=qQW& COFtSR CObffANY" . .Arti look at their slogen--'bather unto you wbSt is yours" . . ~ ~fT . YV ~~ 3NiF1F: Well,f/1/~ -- -jkCxT===XW (SOIIfID : DOOR OPPsNS . .FEW FOCf8P8PS) dABiG.- ~ (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) JACK : Dh.`I beg your pardon, sir, but would you tell Mr . Willeby that Jack Benny is here to see h7m1 CB arK 01 0 1 e 4615 MEL: Oh, Mr . Willebyis expecting you, Mr . Benny . .Go right through ( that door . JACK: Thank you. . ;V eb -Pe4j eoem g; :Xzp7 . (SOiAM : EIGHT FOGPSTEPS . .,DOOA OPENS) LOIS : Yes? JACK: Mr . Willsby, please . LOIS : Oh, youfre Mr . Benny. .Mr, Willaby's expecting you . Gb right through that door. JACK: Thank you, . * eme=ou.r-Mara . (SOUND : EIGHT FOdP°JPEPS. .DOOR OPENS) JENNY : Yes? JACK : Knen .,Ilm here to see Mr . Willaby, . ' JENNY : Oh, you're Jack Benny . JACK : Yes . JENNY : Mr. Willeby f s expecting you, go right through that door. JACK : Thank you: :9ems w;,-Mazy . (SOUND ; EIGHI' FOUPSTEPS .,DGOR OPENS) SANDRA : Yes? ' ....~ JACK : Miss, I'm Jack Benny . .Mr . Willaby 4a expecting me . SANDRA : Who l a Mr . Willaby? .2~ JACK : Look, Miss, isn ' t this the latem&aftangl' Corset Company? SANDRA : Yes . JACK : Well, Mr . Willaby is the president . SANDRA : Oh, you mean Poopsie! JACK : Poopsie! CB ATK01 0184616 -16- SATIDRA : Yes . . .Go right through that 8oor . - JACK : Oh, for-- Well, all right . . . 0V@9MHPV=rj1, (SOUND : FIId FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS) JACK: Mr . Willaby? NE[.80N : Yes, surprised? JACK : fas . .Mr . Willaby, I'm Jack Benny . NIISON .;,,vLi tmow, I knov . . .come right in . 4 'MARF:-~He}i~MrrWl33ab~. f (w+C ~°-u. . : I JACK: 1F8PT: .,•:Now Mr . Willaby, what'is it you wantedto see me I ` about? ~ NII80N :Well, I hate to bother an artist of your stature with ,- trifles, but a strange thing has happened since you've been broadcasting for us . ' JACK : What's that? NELSON : We've been losing money . 3hCT ~ "-~„monegR-~BaE3ast-ereekyou'seid"'9eu-hha~-®ePe-erdere- ~-qoP'CSiT YS11 . f7F119N. -# ee#d~we=hfle!- . NELSON : We ' ve been selling corsets for fifteen years . . .and this is the first time the company is feeli the pinch . --P4 . . . . . , . d;,DH RTX01 018461? -17- NELSON : (HAPPY) You ..really think so O JACK : Yes . / NEGSON : You're a worse_co6edlanthan I thought . JACK: Nov ~wait-a minute, Mr . W111ab~-,gre you trying to insult me? NELSON : OOOb000HH, AM I . ~ JACK : FLum . Mr . Willaby, just What is your complaint about .aeekft program? r p,t, -tr-.. ~ NELSON : I can't stand the vay li reads our•commercials . I vant 3SU to hire an announcer . JACK : (FILTIIt) SO I STARTID AUDITIONING ANNOUNCPRS . . .I TRIID VOICES, VOICB . . .ALL KINDS OF VOICP.S. . .DEEP ONFS . .HIGH ONES . . .SOFT ONPc.i . . .LOUD ONF3 . . : (REGlJL9R,)A11 right,. JACK Bud, you're next . . .Read this . . . "THE CORSII' COMPANY PRR8FNTS JACK BFIJNY . . . . Nov, the show opens and you say --- THE INTFRNATIONAL CORSII' COMPANY PRFSIIVTS JACK HENNY . JACK : Never m1nd, never mind : (SHORT TRANSITION MUSIC UP AND DOWN) JACK : All right, sir, you try it . . .the shov ppens and you say -- MII, : (BUGS BUNNY) THE INTFRNATIONAL CORSII' COMPANY \PRFSEPII'S JACK BEM7Y . JACK : That's not vhat I xantY~ ` (SHORT TRANSITION MUSIC,,UP AND DOWN) , -' DH arxo 1 0ieas~e -18- 6A• ~g"'Xa~nf -- MEL : (PORKY PIG) THE INTBRNATIONAL CORSEP COMPANY PR85ENPS JACK BENNY . JACK : NO NO NO NO N0 : MEL : (PORKY) T-t-t-t-that's all folks . JACK : (FILTFR) I AUDITIONFD OVER FIVE RONDPiED PII7PLE, BUT I WASN'T U GEM'ING ANYPIACE . . .T3i81`lrf;~ - ~. . . . .IT WAS THFN THAT i~Ltl{E T.-«r...-« ..'%~i ~++..? . . . TRY 91R.LUCK AT TEE FAMOUS ACME EUCUTION SCHOOL . SOD1® t~mRmxcel ~ )~MARY : Her e ara, Jack/ ! JACK : Come on, 'a go in . ~ ~ SOUND : OPE4QS) @UART : (IN UNISON A xith a U is A-U, A-U D with a U is D-U, D-U U-D, U-D, U-A, U-A G with a U is G-U, G-U E with a U is E-U, E-U A-U, E-U, G U, D-U . RY : (NICE VOICE) Very good, sk~ea5a,-vel~-goed . M$/iif ^ pplat de 9ou thlnk~ . -~ MARY : P with a U is P-U, P-U . ' ~t . J DR NTYS 0 1 0184619 .+-~7 -19- 17b~ ' HY : ~ -. ,, ~ , ~ v~t a z u t / JACK : Ohy ~1I~'m~ rry _ 3ft looking for a radio announcer . HY : Well, you've come to the right place . . .Nov let's see . . .In this class I have little Harry Von Zell, Billy Goodwin, Jimmy Wa111ngton, andithatfat one over there is Donald Wilson . a JACK : Donald WS1son .,i,I like that name,-atd he looks like he might be just right for my program . HY : Certalnly, Mr, Benny, I'll call him over . . .,Oh Donald . . . DonaLd, this is Jack Benny . JACK: Hov do you do . DON : (IN RHYTtiS) Hoq vith an H and an 0 and-a U and an 0 and a ~ D is a Hov do you do . JACK : Yew. .Nop, Mr . Wilson, I'm considering you as an announcer for . my program, and Sf you take the job, I hope everything turns out fine . . '~---.~Iak? siAe~Glr. DON : Thank you . JACK : N r . . .Nov about your salary, Mr . Wilson . DON : Oh, I'm so anxious to get into radio, I'll pork for my three meals a day . DH d. arx01 0184620 -20- JACK : Well, I vasn't planning to go that high . . .Look, Mr . Wilson, money isn't everything ., and you said yourself that you vere anxious to get into radio . DON : I knov, but/if I'm not going to make a half may decent salary, why should I go on a shov that'a dovn ? JACK: IT'S NOT DOWN . . .How did that get in the script? DON : It's in there because it happens to be true . JACK: It is not . DON : IT IS TOO . JACK: IT IS NOT . M0 3kJACK, YOU'RE RUINING THE WEmLE SCFNE . JACK: I DON'T CARE . . .MY SHOW WAS NEYII2 DOWN . HY: IT WAS, TOO . JACK: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS . . NELSON : DON'T PICK ON HIM, f$2ELN kYF5 . JACK: WHAT ? SANDRA : THAT'S TII,LIN' HIM, POOPSIE. JACK: THAT DOES IT : ~•u~;~-~ ~ .,m :i~-. ^~^/ • , J ➢ MM L'--+JACK, LEP' S GEP BACK TO ' U STORY ('Hm'!BORREWO ISFE . •YY. . .~ JACK : I DON'T CARE ABOUT HB1M LTFE. I'M SICK OF IT . . .I'M GOING HOME. G00DBYE . MARY : JACK -- JACK : G WITH AN 0 WITH AN 0 WITH A D WITH A B B- BYE . GOODBYE . ~ c.~ M(S~UPID : DOOR SIAMS ) (APPLAUSE AND PIAYOFF ) DH arx 01 0 184 6 21 -21- BIG BROT}Q.~'RS JACK : Ledies and gentlemen, when a feller needs a frisnd . .he needs a helping hand . Aod the hands of the BIG BROTFER .S heve helped thousands of growing boys to find the way to a useful life . . .Since the first BIG B%1TfB•.R movanent was formed in 1904, to the many thousands of inen who daily n volunteer to help, I say congratulations for a job well done. If you are interested in being a BIG BROTHER to some needy boy . . .Write - BIG BRGTHffi2S OF ANlE2ICA - Philadelphia 3, Pennsylvania . Thank you . (APPIAUSE) . 1 Hrxo1 0184 6 22 AMERICAN TOBACCO CO . -C- - JANUARY 10, 1954 (TRADBCRIBED JANUARY 7, 1954) ~SING C064~L4L . YIILSON: Jack will be back in just a minute . . .but first a word from America's foremost authority on etiquette . Miss Amy Vanderbilt . AMY Some of my friends tell me that in my new book on VANI ERB ILT: (Trans .) etiquette, I was a little bard on smoking . Actually I was hard on smokers . at least, some smokers . I dislike thoughtless smokers . You know, the man next to y~o~u,, at the dinner table who holds his cigarette so tha +ti'smoke drifts into your eyes . I like considerate smokers . For instance, I like to know that sp husband is considerate enough to carry my brand of ci ga rette . . .Lucky Strike . In smoking, as in etiquette, it is, after all, all aa matter of taste . I went a cigarette that tastes better to me than any other . That's Lucky Strike . WILSON: Friends, Amy Vanderbilt is right . Smoking enjoyment is (live) all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is, Luckies taste better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . There are two good reasons . . .first, they're made of fine tobacco . The whole world knows -- IS/MET -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . Then -- Luckies are actually made better to taste better . . .made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly . It all adds up to real deep-down smoking enjoyment for you . So take a tip from me and be happy -- go Lucky -- next time ask for a carton of Lucky Strike . COLiSffi : Luckies taste better CHOBUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother ~ Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike ATH 0 1 0184623 -n- (SOUND: DOOR 0PIIi5) JACK : Hello, Rochester . ROCH : BELLO, BOSS . MEL: (BARKS) JACK : What's that? ROCH: THATjS THB COCI4'sR SPANIEL YOU WON IN THE RAFFLE . JACK : Oh, isn't he cute? ROCH: YOU BETTER LIIC3 HIM A IAT, BOSS, HE MAY WIND UP COSTING YOU A HUNDRED AND FIFPY THOUSAND DOIIAR3 . JACK : Wait a minute, the woman that fell down was only suing me for a hundred thousand . What's the fifty thousand £or! ROCH: YOU'HE BEII'Xi SUED AGAIN, THE DOG JI19T BIT SOMEBODY . JACK: Oh, no : . . .Goodnight folks . (APPLAUSE) DON : The Jack Benny Program is written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Belzer, John Tackaberry, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . The Jack Benny Program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes . RT}{01 0184624 PROGRAM #19 REVISID SCRIPT Tt E AMERICAx Tosnooo CaaPAm . LUCKY STRIKE THE JACK BENRY PROGRAM SUiIDAY, JANUARY 17 , 1954 CBS 4 :00 - 4 :30 PM PST (TRANSCRIBID JANUARY 13, 1954) Rrx 01 0 1 e 462 5 T HEE JACK B.NNY PROGRAM JANUARY 17, 1954 (I'ranscribed Jan . 1~, 1?54) AMERICAN TOAA.CCC ~A. OPENING CUMMIItCIAL WILSON : The Jack Benny program . . . transcribed and presented by Lucky St,ike : COLLINS : Luckies ta .ste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother CCTS ,INS : Luckies taste better CHCAUS : Cleaner fresher smoother For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco R:eher tiasting fine tobacco COIS,iNS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother Lucky Strike Lucky Strike WIISCN : This is Don Wilson, friends . How do you :eei about it? isn~t smoking enjoyment the main thing you want from your cigarette? We11, just remember this . Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of' the matter is Luckies taste better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother, Now, freshness is especially important -- cnd you'll be glad to know that every pack of Lucky Strike is extra t~ghtly sealed to bring you Luckles' better taste in zl-i its natural freshness . LitSht up a Lucky and see °or yourself now much fresher, how much better it does taste . Luckies just have to taste better . It the first place they're made with fine ~.obacco . . . fire, naturally, mild, aood-tasting tobacco, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . Secorn3ly, Luckies are made better -- made round and firm and fu11y packed to draw freely and smoke evenly . All this means better taste . ( MCRE) MG ftT .'+{ 0 - 1 018 46 26 THF JACK EENNY PROGRAM -RJANUARY 17, 1954 uPEPIING CCIUi' CIpS, (CON'P'D) 6IIL50IN" : Yes, smoking enjoyment is e11 a matter of taste . And ~CCNT'D) . the fact o£ the matter is Luckies taste better . So be happy -- go Lucky . Get better taste and get i,t fresh with Lucky Strike . COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner 'resF.er smoother LuckJ Strike Lucky Strike MG F97~#;C7T C7784-62? (FIRST RCUTINE) -1- (AFPER CCMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DCWN) DON : THE LUCKY STRIFG's PRCGRAM, STARRICA JACK BENNY.,WITH MARY LNINGSTCNE, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YCURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPLAUSE .,MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : LADIES APID GENTIFMEN, TCNIGHT JACg BENNY DOES ANOTHER OF HIS TELEVISIGN PRCGRAMS ., .WITH HIS GUEST STAH, LIBERACE . . .BUT MEANWfQLB, I'D LIISEAKE YOU BACK TO LAST WEDNESDAY . AFIE R srF T nRSa7 . BGB, D S, AND JACK DROPPED IN AT THE CORNER DRUG STORE FCR A BITE TO EAT, (SOUND : LIGHT RESTAUAANT NOISES) JACK : Hey, fellows, our regular table over there is empty . BOB : Yeah,,,come on, Dennis . DENNIS : Okay . (SOUND : FEH FOOTSTEPS) Here we are . DENNI I :1l pull your chair out for you, Mr . Benny . JACK : Dennis,1 you only pull a chair out for ladies sit down . DENNIS : Not n you :re gonna pull it out as f as I am . JACK : Never mind.. . .sit down . (SCIId~ : CHAI[LS MGVED) BOB : Jack, I meant t\gsftyou . Why were you late for rehearsal this morning?% i JACK : Oh, I was'up in Mr . Acke an's offlce, .He's the head of C .B .S: Television on the Wea Coast, BCB :,Iknow . JACK :,~ And William Paley, the boss of the whple netvork is in town / and they had a big meeting to go over tkle,televislon set-up for next year . arx 01 01 e 4628 -2- Gee, that sounds important . BOB : \Did they have much to say? ,~ JACK : I dc ~n t1leao . .they kept thei~r c sed . . .Anyilay, Itm glad I wasn't suse Mr . Paley was pretty mad . BOB : What abou JACK: H,Le wlfe has been spending too much money on c1o You know, fellows, Mary used to win the award for bein& the ~ best dressed woman until she oame to work for me . .Well, Itil get the waitress and wetll order . . .Oh Miss . . .Mies . . IRIS : What do o~u want, Mac? JACK: Hmmm . We'd like to place our order. IRIS : Okay . . .Here+s the menu . JACK : Thanks . . .Now let's see . . .I don't kmow what I want . . .Fba® . . . I think I'11 have the hash. IRIS : The hash2l JACK : That's right . IRIS : Okay. .,ONE ORDER OF IEFT-OVERS FOR A GAMBIER . JACK: Never mind, waitress . . .oancel the order . IRIS : THROW IT BACK IN THE PAIL : Gee, sar I don't know what . JACK to have . . . JAW : Le9kj V1~ -- IRIS : Hurry up, Mac, I ain't got all day . JACK : AK! Don't rush med ar+d what kind of a looking table is this, i anyway? There's a half-lit cigarette in the ash tray . . there are fingerprints all over the plate . .and there'a lipstick on my water glass . d arx0 1 0184629 -3- IRIS : What are you . .a customer or Boston Blackie? JACK : Now look . I don :t want any of your saroasm . .just bring me a ham sandwich and a cup of coffee . IRIS : Okay :I :11. BOB ave the same and a glass of orange julce . . .And make sure,7it :s Minute Maid . - IRIS : Why does it have to be Minute Maid orange juice? BOB : ~I1m helping out a relative whots not doing too well . 3A6K+--HaS .t-a too--w®7.14 BBBa JACK : Well, what do you know . .All right, Dennis, what are you gonna have? DENNIS : Let's see . . .IP1I have the chopped liver, the mahtzah ball soup and the gefulte fish . IRIS : Okay. . .ONE PAT O'BRIEN SPECIAL, JACK : ~/Dennis, what :re you gonna have to drink? DENNIS :a// L 11 have a chocolate malted milk with five eggs in it . / JACK : Five? Dennis, how come you want so many egg s?-£:5#64 DENNIS : I know a hen that's not doing too well. JACK : Now cut that out . . .Mias, just get our orders . IRIS : Okay . (SODtm . REfRFATING FWTSTEPS) _ 0>v~ BOB : ,3RY, Jack, are you going up to Pebble Beach and playiin Bingta Pro-Amateur golf tournament? /I-", JACK : I may, if my game keeps improving . I :ve been doing pretty well lately . a ATX01 0194630 -4- BGB : Y, JACK : Yes . I played yestel nit have much time so I only played six holes . . .but when I quit, I va rYy one over par . BOB : ~Say, th~good, .six holes ard only one over par . JACK :~ Yes „par is 72, I had 73,, .I was a little off on my putting . DENNIS : I think golf is a silly gane . JACK : Oh, you do, Dennis . . .Well, let me aska you something . . .If it's such a silly geme, why are people like Ben Hogan, Sammy Snead, Lloyd Mangrum, and Fred Wampler playing it? DBNHIS : Because they can't sing . JACK: , 4re611, I I 11 show you how ridiculous that is, Dennis, . . Bing Crosby is a good golfer and he ' s one of the greatest singers in the country . DENNIS : Then how coma he has to sell orange j uice? JACK : Oh, be quiet„ I don ' t know why I get into these conversations with you before I eat . IRIS : Here' e your grub, fellows . (SOZIfID : HATTIE OF DISHES ATID SILYEEh1ARE) JACK : Thanks . IRIS : And the boss sent this over with the complimsnts of the house . (90IIAID : POP LIKE CHAMPAG1Vg BOTTLE OPENING) JACK : Gee, a new bottle of letchup, .,Isn't that nicel IRIS : Do you went anything else? - JACK : No, thetIll be all, Miss . IRIS : Okay . (SOUND : IEPAHTING FOOTSTEPS) CB AT x 0 1 0184631 -5- She's a charming gir1 . .I wonder how ehe'd look in an ermine bathing eul~~ I BOB : .etteA,1~ Hey fellows, A have some music while we eat . .There's a ~ juke box ver there . JACK : ~ Swe11 . .Anybedy got change for a quarter? BOB : py I have . JACK: ~ Good, go put a nickel in . BOB : Wait a minute, how about you putting a nickel in for a change? JACK : . .Well. : Go ahead,. DENNIS Mr . Benny, put 8 nickel in . JACK : But everyone in the atore'll hear the record, won ' t they? BOB : 0A///~~S~hat? JACK : tU,GV jy doesn't seem fair . .why should I put in a nickel and a / whole bunch of total strangers can listen to it? BOB : What's the difference, Jack . .Go ahead, be a sport . JACK: Okay. (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS) ~~ i JACK : Let's see . .8a~ ttere's the Bell Sisters latest record . .there are two of them --But wait a minute . . .here'e one by the Ink Spots . . .,s `s-r-' _ -Mi.li.R~+o ^`* . .Boy;look et this_ the Fred Waring choir . .now t re's a buy . DENNIS : (OFF Se , Mr . Benny, one of my records is on it . BOB : Yeah~ p y that . JACK : A solo? . . . . .Well, okay . . .here goes .. (SOIIPID : NICKEL I$tOPPING IN SLOT) (DENNIS'S SONG) d (APPL(iUSE) CB RTH01 0184632 r - (SECOND RQITINE) - -6- . ~ s+ .~m , - Y~ ~ JACK: . Say^ that's a swell eeng~ Dennis, you'll have to do it on the show sometime . DENNIS : Yeah . ~,," BOB : Well, let's get out of her ? JACK: Ckay,,,who gets the oheuk this time? BOB & DENNIS : IT'S YWR TURN a JACK : Oh, yes . .,Miss . . .Miss . . .I'11 take the check. IRIS : Here ya are . JACK ; . . . . FLnmimomnm . IRIS : . WE'~LL-~ PICK IT UP IT AIN'T RADIO-ACTIVS . .-c JACK : ~ Don't be funny, . .Here . . .you can keep the change, now I can givers. y compe U~ Ze . JACK: Yeah, ye BOB: Well, Jack, I'm gonna ome HEARN : (OFF) (STRAIGHP) Telephone oa11 for Jack Benny Telephone call for Jack Benny . JACK : ;f Excuse me, fellows . (SW2ID : FOOTSTEPS) HEARN : It's in that second booth . JACK:r~ Thank you . (SWND : CWPLE FOOTSTEPS . . . BOOTH DOOR CLCBFS) JACK : Hello . ROCH : HELLO, MR . BENNY, THIS IS ROCHESTER . (APPL4USE) MG RTYS01 0184633 -7- JACK : Rochester, how did you know I was here at the drug store? ROCH : I CALLED C .B .S., THEY TOLD ME YOG WERE .CGT TO LUNCH APID I HAD A HGNCH IT WASN'T ROMANOFF'S . JACK : W . . . Well, what did you callme for, Roohester? ROCH : I THOUGHT IJBE'1TEH„YCU HAD A PHONE CALL FRCt4 MISTER LIBERACE . JACK : Oh yes . . . he's going to be a guest on my television program . ., . What did Liberace want? ROCHt WELL. . .HE SAID HE KNEW IT WAS HIGHLY IRREGUTAR ., .A1L) HE DOE .'SN'T WANT ALL HIS SAIARY IN ADVANCE--BCT WWIU YC4J BE ABLE TO GIVE HIM A HCNDRBD DOLIAR9 OF IT ItMt6DIATEI .Y. JACK : A hundred dollars? --- I guess so, if it's urgent,, .what does he need the money for? ROCH: TOOTHPASTE . JACK : Okay, I'll give it to him , ., And Rochester, when he plays the piano on my T,V, show, I'm going to play my violin . ., so you better get it reedy, ROCH: I DID, BC65 . . .I TOOK IT COT OF THE CASE, AND ONE OF THE STRINGS IS BROKEN. JACK: Well,JI'll tell you what, . .Call the music atore, hav~hem' send you a new string, and then send the billye~Iloyds of'bendon . ROCH : . . .LLOYIC OF ...:ar.T[ JACK : Yes, why~-- / ROCH:/ANYTHING THAT MOANS LIKE THAT SHCUID I~f QE'R}SJE--QRCGS, JACK : (_Never mind . .,An way, IJust thought o something, to pass the music store so I'71 pick up the string myself . MG ar 901 0184634 k ,i/9~ll~t l1Elr~Gt~~~t~y /~ur%7~,lvu~f/,"°1E~ua .GZV~c'w8- ROCH : JACK : HOCHt YGUR i^nTTxS9 PULL 0F TE[MITffi . JACK : Termites in my violin. . .That's awful .- how qan I get rid of them? ROCH : PLAY IT--PIAY IT : Never mind, I'11 think: JACK of something . . .Goc3bye, RCCH : GOODBYE . . .OH SAY BOSS . JACK : Now what? ROCH : THERE WERE A CWPIE OF OTHER ME5SAG&S . . .YCNR DEI7PIST AND YWR BARBER CALhID . . JACK : What_did they say? ROOH : THEY'RE BOTH READY, YQJ CAN PICK 'EM UP . JACK : Okay,, elsay . I'11 see you when I get homig . .Goobye . ROCH : G00000000D BYE (SOUPID : FECEIVER DOWN. FQIR LQ7D THUMPS ON TELEPHONE COIN BOX) .~_ JACK : Oh, I he ed me . . Well, I better go get that vlyLin'string . SWND• BOOTH-DOOR_OPEM. F(70TSTEPS-)- . __J. JACK :' Sorry it took so long, fellows . I'm going on to ~ Beverl3 Hills . Anybody want a lift? .?~ rW }'aak, y.lank. :' ~s.(Tz ~ BOB : . Yve-geLta go back to the studio and run over a couple of numbers with the orchestra . -ffA '-,~-0h,- _ .-I- -didirit-see-Remleg -vith the-bffitd-tNdgy: -WhEFe-v aH'-hem MG RT4101 0184635 -9- BOB: Well, he asked if he could have the day off . He wanted ~o~go to the art museum . JACK : Remley . . .Frank Rem1n . . .our,Mr<.-Frank Remley,„ went to the art museum? BOB: Yeah, he~igured the cops would nev~ ook for him there . JACjOh. .~.Oh, . .Well, I'll see you later, Bob, nQ g . So. lpng ~ DENNIS : Say, I want to go to Beverly Hills, too . Can I ridevith you? JACK: Sure, Dennis . Let's go, My car's across the street . (TRALLSITION MCSIC) (SCUND : JACK'S MARWIId, MOTOR RUNNIHG. . .F341 TOOTS OF LOUSY HORN) JACK : It's a little cool out today, .,isn't it, Dennis? DENNIS : Yeah. . .Say, Mr . Benny, can't we go a little bit faster? JACK: What do you'mean, faster., .we're in Beverly Hills already and we've made every light. DENNIS : That one on LaBrea changed three times before we got through it . JACK : Vt ~tiWeil, that's a wide street . . .we made good time . i DENNIS : Tf you don't mind, I'll get off here . JACK: Okay. (SWPID : CAR STOPS AND DOOR OPEIZ ) V DENNIS : See you later, I gotta get home . JACK : Wait a minute, Dennis . If you wantei to go home, why did you come all the way out here to Beverly Hills? You live in the opposite direotion . DENNIS : I know, but this way I get a longer ride on the bus . MG 8 TX01 0184636 -10- JACK: But Dennis, if Ysu -- DENNIS : Goodbye, Mr. Benny . ~Ihwa . (SQJPID: CAR STARTS AWAY AND LOOSY HORN BEEPS) JACK : Q-~- I can ' t understand Dennis . . .That kid drives me nuts, . .Maybe I ought to hire a singer who ' s a little more sensible . .zbak then if he had more sense, he l d want more money . That would drive me nuts, too ., .Eh, I ' m bettoe"""hrlll off the way I am,~,,.~.Wel~l, there's the music store . . .Oh here ' s a parking ~1 opfteol- (SWND : LONG LONG LONG SGREECH OF BRA KES ) JACK: GagIim lucky, herels one, too,~, wonder if I can get innthere. .EI'll have to back in, '(SWPID ; MOTOR UP . . . . SCRATC}QNG OF FEPmERB AND S CRASH) JACK : What LkeWhy don't you watch where you're going? ItIe reckless drivers like you who are a menace Se31ae -- NELSON : Don't holler at me, it was your fault . JACK : ~~ fault ; NEISON :^ 2t must have been, I vas parked . JACK ; What? NFJSON : You're the one who got chummy, . .I ought to have you arrested . JACK : Oh,~ don-t make a federal case out of this . P7EISON : Look at the way you scratched my oar . JACK: What are you comBlaining about? You put a dent in my fender . NEISON : How can you tell? DH ATH01 01 8 4E37 JACK: Oh, a smart aleck, eh? Well, for your information, I've never had an accident and I've been driving this car for ~ twenty-five years . ~ NELSON : Bought it second-hand, eh? . 9 JACK : What? _ NEISON: The dealer's name is still on it . . . "Honest Geronimo." JACK: Well, P'm not gonna stay here and argue with you . I'7s got things to do. (S W : FF~ FOOTSTEPS ) JACK: Oh, oh. ., put some money in the parking meter. . . . (SOOPID : FEW FOOfSTEPS) JACK: Hm~~t.,h~e~4ng•meter says expired . . . . Let's see, I get twelve.minutes for a penny ; . .iisM1L will take me about three minutes to walk to the etore . . .and three minutes back . . That's six minutes . .,Five minutes to get waited on . . .That's eleven miaeEqe . . .The store may be crowded so I better allow for another five minutee . . .That'11 be sixteen minutes . .,y® . . ~611, there's no use .rushing, I'll put in two pennies . _(SQ7AID : CHANGE RATTLING) _ JAC]S :_ Hnn. . .I've only got one penny ard a nickel . Gae, put n the penny , I'1l hardly have enou -time and I'll reall y have to But the put in the nickel, I'll have plenty of t I'll ingabout forty minutes . . . ell, here goes . _(SCOND : COIN IN METER FAST RUNNING FOOTSTEPSY--, (ON CUE -- TRATSITION MUSIC) (SQIND : FOOTSTEPS) DH FiT 9 01 01 8 463e -12- JACK : Well, I got my violin string . . .I'm sure glad it was the "a" string that broke . .I'm always so embarressed when I have to go into a store and ask for a G-string . . (HUN6 "LOVE IN BIA014") (SOUND : BOOT3TEPS . . .STOP) . JACK: Hm . .Lookat tbsfheadline on thet newepaper . "ENTIRE EAST COVERED BY HEAVY BISZZARD" . . . .Gee, I feel sorry for the people back in New York . They have ten inches of snov, Here in Los Angeles all we had was some rain, sleet, bail, thunder, lightning, and an earthQuake . . .A11 in fifteen minutes, too . S~kJF00T3TEP8) JACK : ' E-;N --SIAOpT!), ~ (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS TWICE . . STOP) JACK : Sml~, look what's playing here at the Warner's Theatre . . . "The Eddie Cantor 5tory" . . .I hear it's a swell picture . . . of Eidie Centor . . .I wonder how o1d .Eddie 1 . He must be am ixty because he weeyhir y-nine two years ahead of ine . . .Yee ,_ - ess about sixty . .Oh, there's a picture of Eddie.: :took at those .He always looks like he_.""c~ame out of a burlesque show . . .The pLcBurg muat^bedoing good businesay It opened Christmss dey and it's still playing here . . .Bometime this week I'm gonna come d.otwphere aed --- DON : (OFF) ~ry ~' JACjf . . .JACK . - JACK : Huh? Oh, Ibn .,, .what're you doing here? Ai 80 1 0184639 - 13 - ION :6vlThe Sportsmen and I just came out of the theatre .'. .We saw / "The Eddie Cantor Story" . JACK : Oh . . .hello, fellows . QUART : HMhPi . JACKHow did you like the picture, Ibo? IDN : I4,wea-Reelly wonderful, Jeck~ .Ib fact, I liked it so much that on the way out of the theatre, 11 stopped and congratulated Cantor . JACK : Eddie Cantor? Is he in there watching the picture now? DON : He's been there since Christmas . JACK : W~~1, what do you know . DJN ~~ ~/J~VO'k-, I'm certainly glad I went in to see the picture, because it gave me an idea for a musical number the Quartet can do on the program . JACK : Which one, Don? DON~~R S~t, fellows . JACK :4 Wait a minute, Don . . .How can they sing-yF here in front ~G'llprzof the theatre without any musical accompaniment? ~ ~ IDN : ~Ibn't worry about that, Jack~ Thnt number comes on in the picture in exactly four seconds . JACK : What? IX7N : One . .two . . . JACK : Don-~-,~n pµ~q1 ~i ACutr . IX7N : Thr6e ~ .four . . .There it goes . Rrxo 1 oiaasaa -14- a QUART : IF YOU KNEW SUSIE IJ1CE I KNOW SUSIE )ee~ .~ OH, OH, OH WHAT A GIRL THERE'S NONE 30 CLASSY AS THIS F IR LA5SIE OH, OH, , WHAT A CHASSIS WE WENT RIDING, SHE DIIYV'T BAIK BACK FROM YONKERS . I'M THE ONE THAT HAD TO WAIK IF YOU KMs'W SUSIE LIICE I KNOW SUSIE OH, OH, OR WHAT A GIRL . . IF YOU KNEW UJCKffiLIISE WE KNOW IUCKIES ; OH, OH, OE, WHAT A SM9KE . . LIKE OUR FRIEND EDDIE YOU'LL SM)KE 'Eh] STEADY OH, OH, PASS TIIDSE LUCKIE) WE ARE READY THEY TASTE B,ETTER, RE4LLY THEY DO . FAL9H AND SNWOTHER LUCKIFS ARE THE S MOKE EGR YOU Tf EY EVE[i PLEASE SOSIE AND SHE'S REAL CI%10SY OH, OH WHAT A SNL)KE. TI EY'RE MADE MUCH BEITPR, TEAR AND COMPARE SO MUCH CLEANER, NOTHING BRATS 'EM ANYHfWE JUST PUFF THAT L1R:KY ENJOY YOUR LUCKY ~ ~ OH OH . * WHAT A SMOKE . -t, (APPIAUSE) A T}i 0 1 01 9 464 i (TNLRD ROUTINE) -15- (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS) JACK : -,."iad I got away from Don and t[%quartet . . .'4 waa ewberxaesing . .Loagine them singing out on the street like that . . .I didn't mind them doing Eddie Cantor's song, but Don looked so silly hopping around and clapping his hands . . . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS) y JACK : Well, here's my car . . .I might as veit---Ney, wkat's that on thb---Oh, for heavens sakes, a parlQng ticket . . .This is ridiculous . . .I haven't been g~ ver twelve minutes . . . The meter says expired, but there mvat be something ,mong with it . . .Well, they're not gonna get away with it . . .I'm going to oall the Beverly Eiills Police Department and find out about this . . .I'll go in this drug store . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . . .I700N OPENS) . JACK : There's the phone booth . . (SOUND : BOOTH DOOA OPENS) JACK : I wonder what the nvaber is . . .I'll call information . (soUND : ONE COIN IN PHONE . . .DIALIN6 113 . . .BUZZ . . .CISOK) JENNY : Information, JACK : Say, Miss, I want the number of the Police Department . JENNY : The Los Angeles Police Department is Michigan 5211 . JACK : No no, Miss, I want the Beverly Nills Police Repartment . JENNY : I'm sorry, that's an unlisted nunber . - JACK: F6mo . . .Well, thank you, anyway . (SODUNI)) : RECEIVER DOWN . . .COIN RETURNS) - JACK : Well, if I can't get them on the phone, I'll go over there . (TRANSITION MUSIC) (SOUNp : FOOTSTEPS) RU RT 90 1 0184642 -16- , JACK: Well, here it is . . .The Beverly Hille Police Station . . .What . - a swanky place . . .Gee, marble staircase stained glass windows . . .wd 1pok vhat it says on~l9st door . . .'$ooking Deparhsent . . .Fingerprints by Appointment Only" . . .41,~ 104;ARM 1!- 'm-War~" . . . Well, here's the Traffic Bureau . . (SOUNQ : IZOOR OPENS AND OFFICE NOISES IN B . G . ) JACK : Miss, I'd like to-- SHIRLEY : Sit down, please . JACK : Thank you . Miss, I'd like to-- SHIRLEY : You want to complain about a traffic ticket . How did you know? HIRLEY :`Tbat,~tear in your eye 6 CK : SHIRLEY: alvays get the emotio s . . .Nov before ve go any farther, let me get your record out . What's your name? JACK: Jack Benny . ~ SHIRLEY : Benny . . .Benny. . .here it is . . . .Jack Benny . . .Say, we haven't gotten anything out of you £or a long time . . . . Hm, the last entry was twenty five years ago . JACK : Twenty five years ago? SHIRLEY : Yes, you were charged with Assault and Battery an Honest Geronimo . JACK : All right, all right . SYRRLEY : Nov let's see . . .I'll bring this card up to date . JACK : A&1~ X~~ SIIIRLEY : . . . . .at that time you lived at 366 N . Camden Drive . RU RT}(01 0184643 -17- JACK : It-s still the same address . . SHIRLEY : I see . . .And your occupstion was listed as comedian JACK : It's still the aame . SHIRLEY : Uh huh . . .and your weight was 160 pounds . JACK: It-s still4the aame . SfQRLEY : And your age was-- JACK : Still the same . SHIRLEY : Hm . .now let's see . . .color of eyes . . .oh yes, they're still blue . . .aren't they? JACK : Well, frankly, I've never noticed . . . . Now look, Miss---- (SOUIm : PNONE RINGS) SHIRLEY : One moment, please . (SOUNR : RECENF~Jt 9P) SHIRLEY : Ael1o . . . . Yes, Chief ./`~`'That man was in and he paid his fine . d /~O . .That ' s right . . .fifty dollars . . . and he said it would !~ never happen agaln . . .Goodbye . . (SOUND, : RECEIVER DOWN) JACK : A fifty dollar fine? What was it for? SHIRLEY : . . . .driving through Beverly Hills with the top down . JACK : What's so terrible about going through Beverly Hills with the top down? SHIRLEY : He was driving a garbage truck . JACK : ~. . .Now, Miss, about this ticket of mine . .the on reason T's'-c«'~=_1^`g is that if decent, law~abYding citizens like myself are taken astaant@ge of by the Beverly Hi11a DO;Lc®,-itra-gonna giveoic camnunity a 3Ya eye . i Now I Fsppen to know that the meter where I was pa .rked was definitely fast and I don't think it's fair to-- RU 8 TX 0 1 0184644 ~i -18- 9H.iRLEYI~T Look, Mister, I can't settle this . If you want to see the judge, that's up to you . v JACK : Well, I do . AO/- SHIRLEYA/1 Then youIll have to wait in iist next room with everybody else . JACK : All right . n(SOUnIlD : FEW FOOTSTEPS . . . DOOR OPENS . . .LOtID MWSBT E OF VCICES) JACK : Gee, what a bunch of characters . . .I better eit down and-- .Y.. ~ Hey, there's Remley . . .OR, FRANKIE . .FRANiW---~, lfhat,s the matter with me . . .that's only-hie picture on the wall . . te7.7-*..'^.em..ha + = e ..« M~ . .Well, I night as vell sit down . . .kY^, pardon me, sir, would you mind 1Y I sit next to you? MEL : (MCOLEY) Not at all . In fact, I'd appreciate it . JACK : Appreciate it? Why? MEL : I - m a pickpocket . JACK : A pickpocket! MEL : ~h You got nuttin to worry about . .You're the pin-it-to-your underwear type if I ever saw one . JACK : Hvnn . MEL : Tell me, chun, what did they nab you for? JACK: Over parking . MEL : Oh. Well, you ' ll like Judge Bailey . I was up before hin last month for sentencing . JACK : What did you get? MEL : Thirty days, his watch, his gavel, and a pocket edition of the Kinsey Report . RU RTX 0 1 01 8 46 4 5 -19- JACK : You mean you spent thirty days in the Beverly Hills jail? MEL : ~~6s Oh, yeah . . .they had me in solita y . JACK :~°/That must have been pretty r MEL : You said it . .nuthin ' but bread and champsgne . JACK ; Champa gne? MEL : IZomestic . . JACK : Oh, that's awful . , (SOUNR : DOOR OP&NS) . SHIIiLEY : (OFF) Mr. Jack Benny . .Mr . Jack Benny . JACK: Yes, Miss . SHIRLEY : You're next . Right this way to Judge Bailey's chambers . JACK : Okay . ' MEL : Good luck : Thanks . . JACK . MEL : He keeps his wallet in the leSto~ --' JACK : I_ don-t care :: (SOUND FEW FOOTSTEPS . . .I}GOR OPENS) ,-W " JACK: Your Honor, I ordinarily don't make trouble, but p~e'~ ~~ ~ NELSON : 'Jw1•T•T•ULL, IT, S YOUAGAINI ' --' JACK : You . .you're the judge? NELSON : Who do you think I am in this black robe, Mandrake the Magician? JACK : What? NELSON : Wden you said, "Don't make a Federal case out of it", you were talking to the man who could . JACK : But your honor, A~-,- ` RU pTYi 0 1 0184646 -20- NELSON : QUIET . I'm ready to pass sentence . (SODN17 : RAP OF GAVEL) NII.SON : That'11 be flfty-two dollars : Fifty-teo Hollars? Wait a minute,. JACK it's only two dollars for a parking.ticket . What's the extra fifty dollars? NEISON : You had your top down . JACK : What's that agot to do with it? NELSON : You mean that thing isn't a garbage truck? JACK : Garbage truck! Now wait a minute, your honor -- (MUSIC : STARTS) JACK : I I M A CITIZEN OF EEVEM HILL4 . .I'VE LIVED HERE FOR TNENTY-FIVE YEARS . .I'M A TAXPAYEg . .AND I KNOW MY RIGHTS . . I'M NOT GONNA PAY ANY FIFTY-TWO DOLIARS AND IF YOU TRY TO FINE ME THAT MUCH, I'M GONNA TAKC IT UP WITH -- (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF UP FULL) PACIFIC COAST . JACK : I will be back in just a minute to tell you about my television show that goes on tonight at aeven p .m . over the CS.S network with my guest star, Liberace, but first, a word from the sweetheart of Lucky Strike . ., . NATIONAL JACK : I will be back in a minute to tell you e out my television show which goes on imtaediately after thke program on the CBS network with my guest star, Liberace, but first, a word from the sweetheart af Lucky Strike . . . Arx 01 01 e 464P TRE JACK BENNY PROGRAM -A- AMERICAN TOBACCO CO . JANUARY 17, 1954 (Transcribed Jan . 13, 1954) CLCBING COtM7ERCIAL ' COLLINS : This is Dorothy Collins . Hi everybody . Y'know, smoking (E,T .) enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And friends, the fact of the matter is Luckies tastebetter: one important reason for this is L4/MF1' . Lucky Strike means fine tobacco - fine, naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco . And second, Luokies are made better . They're made round, and firm and fully packed to draw freely aia9 smoke evenly : Golly, that's the whole thing in a nut shell . Truly fine tobacco - in a better-made cigarette . That-s the whole Lucky Strike story . That's why you can be sure . . . sure every time you open a pack of Iazokies . . . that you'll enjoy a better-tasting smoke . For smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is Iuokies taste better - they-re , cleaner, fresher, smootherD Pick up a pack or two next time you buy cigarettes . Be happy -- go L.icky . You'll agree -- Luckles taste better : CG:i.IN3 : Luckies taste better CHCRUS : Cleaner fresher smoother COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother . For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer tasting fine tobacco CDLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother Lucky Strike Lucky Strike MG RrH 0 1 01 e 464 e _21_ (TAG) JACK : Ladies and gentlemen~I tonight I am going to have Liberace on my television show . And we're gonna try to get him to play the piano . . .And he's gonna try to get me to play the violin . . .This is going to be one of the most trvina programs you've ever watched . . .But watch it, anyway . , 3 Goodnight, foLks . (APPIADSE) LT7N : The Jack Benny Program tonight was written by Milt Josefsberg, John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon ar.! produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . The Jack Benny Program has been brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's Leading Manufacturers of Cigarettes . 14 Rrxot 018464 9 PRac RaM #20 RE)ISID SCRIPT AMFRICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY STRIlSE THE JACK BFT]NY PROGRAM SUNDAY, JANUARY 24, 1954 CBS . 4 :00 - 4 :30 FM PST (TRANSCRIBPD JAN . 14, 1954) DH Rrxo•i 0 1846 50 -A- THF.JACK BETINY PROGRAM AMFRICAN TOBACCO CO . JANUARY 24, 1954 (Transcribed Jan . 14, 1954) WILSON : The Jack Benny program .,, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike : . 0 OLLINS : Luckles taste better CI ORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother COLLINS : Luckies taste better . . +i CIORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckles taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother Lucky Strike Lucky Strike : This is Don Wilson, friends . Let's. - WILSON take a good close look at the subject of vhy you smoke cigarettes . Think it over a minute and you'll agree that the main reason and probably the only reason you smoke is simply that you enjoy it -- you like the taste of a cigarette . Sure -- smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . Luckies taste better -- cleaner, fresher, smoother for tvo very important reasons . One is, IS/MFp . . . Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . The tobacco in Luckies is fine, naturally mild, good-tasting . Another reason for this better taste is that Luckies are actually made better -- made round and fixm and fully packed to drav freely and amoke evenly . (MORE) ~ DH AT}S 0 1 0 184651 - B- ~~- THE JACK BPNNY PROGRAM JANUARY 24, 1954 (Trans . Jan . 14, 1954) OPENING COhIDiPRCIAL CONT'D . . '.dIL80N : Fine tobacco in a better made cigarette gives you better (CONT'D) taste-every single time .8o if you go along raith me that smoking enjoyment is all a matter uf taste, then be happy - -- go Lucky . . . because the fact of the matter is Luckles taste better . Get a carton of Lucky Strike and see for yourself . 3PORTSMPH Be happy -- go Lucky dUARTPP : Long Close) Get better taste today . DH RT}S 01 0 784652 -1- (FIRST ROUTINE) (AFPPR COBIIdFRCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) . DON : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROCdtAM, STARRING JACK BFS]NY . . .WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCHE37.'FR, DFNNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, THE SPORTSMPdV QUARTEP, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPLAUSE. . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : LADIEB AND GIIiTLBMFN . . . . MANY TItN!9 IN THE PAST I'VE OPENID THIS PROCdtAM BY TAKING YOU 0U1 TO JACK BFNNY'S HOUSE IN BfiVIItLY HIIdB . . .BUT TONIGHT, JUST FOR A CHANGE, LEP'S ALL GO OUT TO MH . AND MRS. BOB CROSBY'8 fIIUSE, ON THE FGE OF BEVPRLY HILT.S . . . BOB : (BINGS F8W BARS) Many times . . .many times, I have wanted your kiss . . . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) , BOB : Many times, many times --- SHIRLEY ; Oh, Bob, Bob BOB : Yes, June? . SHIRLEY : You've been in the den here for an hour . . . . what are you / doing? EOB :In ' 4Rehearsing some songs dear . . .I'm thinking of making another personal appearance . SHZALPY : Personal appearsnce . . .where? - BOB : Las Vegas . SHIRLEY : Oh Bob, I wish you wouldn't . . .You remember what happened last time we were up there . . .you gambled every night and lost quite heavily . DH RiH01 0184653 BOB : I knov :Well, don't. SHIRLhY do it again, I miss the baby . . . . But really, Bob, I'm serious . I vish you vouldn't play another personal appearance . BOB :-//Why not, dear? SHIRLEY : Well, you're ao busy . . .you're on Mr . Benny's shov every veek . . .7,ou play benefits . . .you make records, and you have your ovn T .V . shov five days a veek . . .You're never home any ~~ more . BOB :~'h June, you're exaggerating . (SOUND : DO OR OPINS) HARRY : Oh, Mother . . . : Yes, dear? .Mother? SHIIiLFY HARRY : Can I go to the park and play ball? SHIRLEY : Certainly : Okay, I'11. HARRY be back In time for dinner . . . . Say, Mom? SHIRLEY : Yes, dear? HARRY : Who's this guy, the plumber? SHIRLEY ://...... He's your father . . BOB :~~Certainly, I'm your father, don't you recognize me, Chris? HARRY : / I'm Steve . BOB : Oh. SHIRLEY : You run along, Steve . . .and be home In time for dinner . HARRY : I v111, goodbye, Mother . . .goodbye . .DSd? BOB : Goodbye, goodbye . (SOUPQ) : DOOR CIASFS) v DH arx 01 0184654 BOB : Gosh, he's grown4, . .I could have ' sxorn he was Chris .' .B~ ~ ~way, nune, where s Gnrie 't SHII2LPS : Oh, 1te L s,p1aying with the trains your brother-BSng/ gave him for Christmas . ~ BOB : Oh . . .Well, tell him_I-wanL'8e-pe e him when he gets home from the,Unian~Station . SHIRLFY-:-i w111 . BOB : ~ You know, I can't understand BSng . . . . Me he ives oec tie . . . gy kid he gives the Superchief, you know, June , I've . .Jfl..wh ~n been th1 ik nn g a6o5t w you aald ~ . . 9e going to forget , about personal appearances, and spend more time at home . SHIRLEY : Oh, I wlsh you would . BOB : I w111, and not only that . . . .I think rwe'11 have a dinner . party here at home like we used to . SHIRLSY : Oh, that would be wonderful . . . . How. about next Saturday ,,/~~~ night7 BOBY^P"~ Fine . . . . xei}1 invlte aa®e o£ the boys in my band and their wlves . . . . And you know what, June . . .I think ve ought to invite Jack Benny, too . SHIRLEY : You do? . BOB : Certainly . _ SHIRLEY :, But he's such an important man, and he'a so bus .7 6you can't ca11 and invite him to dinner on such short notice . BOB : Well, I'm going to try, anyway . . (SOUND : COUPLE FOOTSTEPS . . .RIDEPlER UP . . .DIAId.IHG SIX NCMBPRS . . . . BUZZIBG SOUND) I DH Rrx 01 0 184655 SHIALE'Y : Bob, I think you're making a big mistake . ~ 77 ~(S0 : BUZZ OF PHONE) BOB :/~V Don't'vorry, June -- I've got an idea . . . (SOUND : B(TLZ) BOB : :~,~+~h/ We'll change the date of our dinner to fit Jack's ~ convenience . . (SOwHD : BUZZ . . .CLICK OF PFIDNE) JACK : Hello . BOB : Hello, Jack, this is Bob Crosby . JACK : Oh, hello, Bob : Say,Jack . . .June. BOB an I vould like to invite you to our house for dinner~ . .vhen vLoGluld it .be possible for you to come? JACK: Oh, seven o'clock, seven-fifteen, seven-thirty . . . .In fact, -~ - I can be over right nov . BOB : Well . . .ve veren't thinking of tonight . . .ve vere thinking of some night this veek . . .vhich vould be the most convenient? JACK : !/ Oh, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday -- BOB : 'Y.~// You skipped Thursday . JACK : ~-JI baby sit that night . . BOB : Oh. JACK : I used to do it for you, but you lost your kid in Las Vegas . BOB : I know, I knov 4l,/-Jack, how about coming over for dinner Saturday night? DH flTH 0 1 0 19 4656 . ~ ~/°'~~ ~ , ' -5-~ JACK :~sq Fine, Bob' . . .and airter .dinner tie can have some fun . . .play gin . . . . or Scrabble, - BOB : ~ No thanka ; ack . . . . IPll never play Scrabble with you again after last Sunday's game .,,you're too tricky for me . . .I ~ don't knov how you do it . JACK: Do vhat? BOB : Well, there are only tvo Y's in the game and yet you made the word "Money" eleven times, JACK : Well, all right, ve'11 play something e1se . . . . So long, - see you Saturday . BOB : So long, Jack : Goodbye, Bob . . JACK (SOUND : Rk1:E1VFIi DOWN) . JACK : Gee, it vas nice of Bob to invite me over to his house for dinner . . . . He's alvays doing things like that . . . . having people over for dinner . . . taking them out to night clubs . . having parties . . .he's so generous . . .he ought to see a psychiatrSst . . . . .Well, vhen Rochester comes home from shopping, I better tell him I von't be home for dinner Saturday night . . . .Gee, he's been at that market a long time , (SOUND : DOOR BOZZFR) JACK : COMING . . .COMING. (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPINS) DH RTH09 01 84 657 -6- Y JACK : Oh, hello, Dennis . - DENNIS : Hello, Mr . Senny . JACK: Come on in : Thanks . . DENNIS (SOUND : DOCR CIASFS) JACK: I wasn't expecting you todayA . .anything wrong? DENNIS : No, I just wanted to ask you,a favor . . .cou Nd you lend me ten dollars? .9- JACK : Ten dollars? Yesn I guess so . . . .what do you vant it for? DIIVNIS : . I want to get myself tattooed . JACK : Tattooed? Why? DPNNIS : . Well, I was in the Navy during the war and yet nobody will believe I was a sailor . JACK : Oh . . . .Well, what are you going to have tattooed on you? DFSINIS : My uniform . ah~r JACK : Well, that's the sil l' I --- Look, kid, if you want ~ something tattooed on you to show that you were in the Navy, why don't you have a life preserver --- or an anchor . . .or wait a minute, hov about the Battleship Missouri . DENNIS : No, my mother has that . ~ JACK : Your mother has -QW battleship Xtsss~4 tattooed on her? DENNIS : When she wears a corset, it looks like it's sinking . JACK : 4&~., . Wait a minute, kid, I've got a good idea . . .why don't you do what I did when I was in the Navy . . .have the American flag put on your am . DH ATXO1 0184658 -7- DIIPNIS : Gee, I didn't know you had the American flag on you . JACK: Yea/ I had it done the first day I joined the Navy . . . Wait, I'll roll up my sleeve and show it to you . . . .See? DENNIS : Gee, only thirteen stars . . JACK: Yes, Dennis, only thirteen stars . . .but not for the reason you think . . . . I made the man etop because he vas hurting me . DENNIS : Then vhy did he put them in a circle? JACK : Dennis, I don't vant to get into any more discussions vith you . . . . Nov I'll make you a proposition . DENNIS : What? . JACK : If I lend you the ten dollars, vill you let me hear the song you're going to do on next Sunday's program and leave immediately? DENNIS : Yes sir . JACK : Oka re s the te do lara . ~ ? -74 ~ . .~.,~~~ DIINNIS : ;~~,u ~~~ -~,ls. ; E " JACK : w - ,h ; ° I~ ~ t si ¢ .(APPIAUSE) (DECHZIS'S SONG -- POUR THE WINE) (APPI1tUSE) DH Ar}f 0 1 09e4 6 59 -8- (SECOND ROUTIr]E) , . ,X~,- 4~a ~~ Y~ ,..... 21, ZL~- =merr JACK: ` I~ Dennis, A thaL g should sound e11 on the program . :. . now go get yourself tatto ed . DENNIS : Oksy . .6~; Mr . Benn n you knov what I think I'll do? . . . I'll have them tattoo a-- Dennis, 3@l JACK: &V , you promised me if I lent you the ten dollars, you wouldn't say anything. You'd iust go . DEIJNIS : Yes sir . JACK: Okay then, go . . ~NN2S : A11 r1 t . . .Goodbye . . ~~.' . (SOUND: DOOR OPENS pND CIASFS) JACKt' That Dennis gets vema a nd we~ree every dey . . .I don't know 17 how I've stood him all these yesre . . .But it's my own fault . .I should have known When I first saw him there was something wrong with him . . . .Whet other man wears a size -914,72 A~l three het .' .Sometlmes I think -- ROCH : (OFF) MR . BENNY, I'M BACK FROM THE MARl4s`1' . JACK : Good . ROCH : I'M IN TRE KCTCHEN PqTTING THE THINGS AWAY . JACK: I'11 oome in and help you . (SOUND : COUPLE FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPETIB) JACK :r/iN What took you so long, RochestexR " ROCH: O/ W9~ I HAD A IpP OF THINOS TO DC . . .YOU KNOW, I TOOK ALL 91m9dR HAMBURGER OUT OF THg FRIIs'~.ER AND SOLD IT AND BOUGHT TFffRTY-SIR QUARTS OF MIIR . JACK : Why did you do that? . HOCH: BEEF WENT UP, MIIK WENT DOWN . I'M PLAYING THg MARItEP . fl7X01 01 8 466 0 -9- ROCH: '~,RMLBER IN 1929 WHID4 WE GOT STUCK WITH ALL THAT CRILI_ CO I BOUGHT ON MARGIN? JACK : Yeah, we ate tha ti11 we were both speaking Sps . . .Here, I'll help you p~ the- .gro_caries eway . ROCH~SI SPT70R JACK : Say, Rochester . . .what's this? ROCH: A HFAD~;OF LEfTUCB . JACK : How can this be lettuce, it's pure white . ROCH: THE FAD IS OVER, THF.Y'RE TAKING CHLOROPHYLL OUT OF . EREHY'PHING . JACK : Oh. ROCH: BUT I GOT YOU SOME ANTI-ET~ZYME CARROTS . JA K : Good, I like to be up with the times . . .Now thea into the vegetable bin . \ (SOUND: DRAWER OPFSS . .STUFF $EING PUT IN . . . JACK: There, that do.\ it . ROCH: BY THE WAY, MR . BFNNY.,,r'GOT A JAR OF THAT NBW IN3TANT COFFEE . . .I THOUGHT W]f OUGh'P TO TRY IT OUT . i JACK : Instant cofreey~ ~ ROCH: YEAH, AIS, U HAVE TO DO IS ADD HOT WATER . JACK : Why d you get that? HOCH: SOSS, THINK 0F THE TIME IT'LL SAVE L8 WHQi`THE GRSfII)UND BUS STOPS HERE. ACK : Yeah, I guess so . ~ ROCH: BY THE W.~Y, MR . BENNY, ARE YOU GOING OUT TONIGHT? JACK : No, I think I'll stay bome and practice my violin . . . . aru 01 0 1 e 4661 . ~`°. . C°'"" ru>K~ l z .ce~n, ? Ofi~ O OCf . ' n,,n v~ Prr1Tr---- BU r-: ~ .~ AT . . .AT . . . JACK: At-phere? ROCH: ANYWHERE< JUST G0 . JACK: Now wait a ut .~-Rochester, what's wrong with the way I play my-violin': ROCH: WfAT We8 THAT? JAC/ I said, what's wrong with th\I .,p\1ay my violin? ~ROCH : BOSS, YOU KEEP THROWING ME QUF~TIONS LLKE '.L1~AT AND YOU // WON'T NEBD ANY. WRITERS ~ JACK: A11 right, all right . . .I 11 wait till you get out o house . .Meanwhile I'm going in the den and read for awhile . ROCH: OKAY . (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPENS AND CIASES) JACK: Gee, I haven't reed a book in a long time . . .Let's see what's here "Ipok Who's Abroad Now' -y Earl Wils~ .3-reed-6be~.~6h, "Vaudeville" by Joe Laurie, Jr .V.The Sea Around Us" . ."Bettle Cr-"y . .=:j "Luck e Better" by Arthur Godfrey . 's a~c~opy of "The Theory of Rela y Albert Einatein . . .0h! I read t . . . remember it has four end ninety-\eix pages . . .Those numbers were the only thing I unde 8eg, were'sKoaw~~I haven't read . ."One Hundred Famous Poems" . .Gee, I haven't read poetry in a long time . .I think I'll read this . (SOUND: BOOK TAKIN FR1M SHELF. .COUPLE FOOTSTLTS . . .MpN SITTING IN CHAIR) Ir RTtl01 0184662 JACK : -var. . . .LCt's see . . . . . Gee, they have some wonderful poeme in this book . . .Me Charge of the Light Brigade" . . . . "Hiawatha" . . ."The Wreck of the Hesperus" . . ."Gun99 Din" . . "There Was An Old Lady From -" voops, somebody pencilled that in . . .Oh, here'e one of my favorite poems, e,go I haven't read it in years . . ."The Shooting of Dan McGrew" . . .PZthink I'll read tbat . . ."The Shooting of Den McGrew" by Robert W . Service . (MJSIC) JACK: (FILTER) (WFSTERN) A BUNCH OF THE BOYS WERE WHOOPING IT UP IN THE MAIAMUTE SALOON THE KID THAT HANDIFS THE MUSIC BOX WAS HITTING A JAG TIME TUNB . (TINNY PIANO PIAYS SAIAON SONG FqR FEW BAR9 AND FADPS OUf) JACK: (REG. MIKE) (WESTERN) Hey Bartender . . .Bartender . . . . (SOUND: SLHPPING ON BAR) JACK : BARTENDER! MEL: Yeah . JACK : Ah want a drink of whiskey . MEL: Okay . . .how much whiskey do you want? JACK: About three fingers . MEL: Here you are . (SOUND: POURING) JACK : Ahh, gimme another drink . MET.: ~~ How much this time4 JACK : 6A About four fingers . / MEL: Okay . 'T (SOUND: LITTLE LONGER POURING) RT 9 01 0184663 -12- MEL : There you are . .four fingers of whiskey . JACK: Aahhhh . MEL : You know, Mister, you're the first man I ever saw drink out of a glove . JACK: I always do . I'm the only man in Alaska that'o got a hangnail with a hangover . . .Doggone . . .I've been trapped in tMs saloon for eight days by that darned blizzard . . . . How much longer do you think it will last? MEL: I don't know : Well, I'm gonna. JACK take a Look outside and see bow the . weather is . . (SOUND : ffiGHT HEAVY FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPEZJS AND WE HFAR THE DANIIW)BST STORM WITH WINCB }DWLING LIIO; CRAZY . . .ON CUE, THE DOOR CIASffi AND 90UND OUT . . .EIGHT HEAVY FUOTSTEPS RACK) NiEL : How is it outside? JACK: Cloudy••Look, Bartender, being stuck in a place like this for eight days can drive a guy nuts . . .It~ 6got to have a little excitement . . .21.9.ee11 you what . .I'11 bet you five dollars I can shoot those three glasses off the top shelf in three shots . MEL : Five dollars says you can't . JACK: It's a bet . . .Stand back, everybody . (SOUND: SHOT . . .GIASS CRASH) JACK: There's one . (SOUND : SHOT . .OLASS CRASH) RT 8 01 0104664 _13_ ~ . JACK : There's two . (SOUAD : SHOT) MEL : (PAiSE) You lost . JACK: No, I dldn't . MEL : I've got twenty dollars more that says you did . JACK: It's a bet . (SOUND : GLASS CRASH) w JACK: That slow bullet has made me a fortune . . .Anybody else want to bet? (BAGBY STARTS SaME SONG ON IAUSY PIANO) JACK: Hey, you at the piano . . , (BAGBY STOPS) r~e. ? JACK : Don't you know any other sea9o.s~ "• ~ ._ MEL : Nab, he's iggerant . . .But those 4'aYt' 1'ytr~%""t"rappers . in the, /iww ~ e ,Le- rk 4 .•; a "'~.. r -4 {,,, i c ner . . ~~_^~' '^•• ~ JACK : We ll, let's h 6ar li'ome . _ \MEL : I don't think you'll understand them . . .They're French 1-1 Canadians and speak very little Eaglish . JACK : What's their names? MEL : -Pierre, Alphonse, Gaston and Remley- : ~ JACK : Frankie Remley? What's helloing pp here? MEL : He came up~here to hust . ~ JACK : What's he hu6ty4ng? MEL: Them dogvvith the,brandy around their necks . JACK: What? ~ MEL: ..- - They don't always find you,'yo\ w . . ~ JACK : Well, let's hear them sing a song .~ MEL: Okay . . .teke it fellows . pr 801 0184665 -14- (INTRO) QUART : ALOCETPE GENTIB ALOUETTA ALCUETTE JET'Y PIAMESAIS ALOUET7E LIGHT A CIOARETTA LUCKY sTRINE JE SAIS TRES BON JO'LS JET'Y PLUMEtAIS L0. 'iET LIGHT A UJCKY AIAUE'lTE JET'Y PLIIMERAIS LA TET LIGHT A LUCKY AIAIIEITE ALOUETfE ALCUETTE CIGARETl'E CIGARE'M' E AH ALCUETTE FiJP'F HER CIGARETTA . MADE OF FINE TOBACCO OOH LA LA ALOUETTE GENTfE ALWETTA WROTE A LSTI'ER TO HER I&'.AR PAPA HERE IS WHAT 7E IETTER SAY "SEND MORE IDCISIES RIGHT AWAY" SONAMAGIIN THE ESKCMO ZAY SMOKE LUCRIES TOO, YOU IINOW ESKIMO, ESKIMO, SMOKE YOU KNOW, SMORE YOU ffiVOW ALCUETTE ALO OTTE CIGARETTE CIGARETTE ZAY ALL LIGHT, ZEY ALL LIGHT LUCRY STRINE, LrJCKY STRIKE - AH -- ALOUETTE PUFF HER CIGARETTE SHE IS JUST AS HAPPY AS CAN BE WITH HER LiJCE7ES, MAIIE OF FINE TOBACCO L4MF, ISM6T LIVIAMCD ZE ICE AND SNOW \ WE'RE^VFSEY GLAD TO RNOW (MORE) ATH 0 1 0184666 ->5- gUART : SHE~S AS HAPPY AS CAN BE (CONP I D) . r WITH AN ISMFT, NNTP, MFT, . WE AGREE, NE AGREE ESKIMO, ESR'IMO, SMOI E YOU ISNOW, SMOKE YGU II'NOW, ALOL E 4TE ALCUETTA CIGARE'ITE, CIGAHETTFs, THEY ALL LIFCE, THEY ALL LIIIE ~ LIICKY STRIKE, IACRY STRIRE, AH ALCUETTA, PUFF HER CIGARETTE THROUGH 75 LONG AND LONBSOMB AATIC NIGHTS IN THE NORTH 80 MANY LIGHT UP iuCC¢ES THAT'S WHAT MAKE 7E NORTHBRNLIGHTS . (APPLAUSE) pTH01 0184667 (TIQRD ROUTINE) . MEL: W/O/How did you like the song? r JACK: That was c'est si good . MEL: Hey, look, Mister••the blizzard is letting up . • JACK: Yeeh .,Well , I think I'll get going . . .Where's my pardner .,~JII80N, .WILSON. 4 DON: (COMLNG IN) Here I am. . JACK: Come on, we're going up North to find gold . .gold, do you hear me, gold . . DON: (VERY DRAMATIC) Just a mi e, Pardner . Don't risk your life out there in Wrre icy vastes looking for gold . . . what is gold? Can you eet it? Can you drink it? Gold is only money, and money vill only bring you unhappiness, misery and sorrow . JACK: (LOOKS AT AUDIENCE) Would you mind repeating that? DON: Money will only bring you unhappiness, misery, and sorrow . JACK: This boy is not only fat but he's stupid . . .Now come on, let's get the dogs ready and the sled . ., we're going . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS .,,WIND AND STORM NOISES UP AND DOWN) RM RiH 0 1 018466 8 -17- JACK: (FILTER) WERE YOII EVEft OUT IN THE GREAT ALONE, WHEN THE MOON WAS AWFUL ClEAR AND THE ICY MOUNfAINB HBMA'ED YOU IN WITH A SILENCE YOU COUID 6AR . WITH ONLY THE HOWL OF A TIMBER WOLF, AND YLU CAMPED T HE RE IN THE COLD, A HALF ISsAD THING IN A STARK DEAD WOHLD, CLEAN MAD FOR THE MUCK CAITF.D GOLD . (SOUND : WIND AND STORM SOIINDS FOLL04A'J7 BY DOG SLED NOISES .,,SIFD GOING . . .DOGBARffiffi} . . .WHIP CHACKING . . . SOUNDS OUT, BUT SUSTAIN SLIGHTLY IN BACIQiROGDN THE WIND AND SLSD NOISES) JACK : (REG. MIKE) We're going mighty slow 14 and it's your fault, SF11"e .I took you on as a pardner because I was a greenhorn. . .you told me you knew everything about the Yukon . . . . You told me you knew how to handle these dog teams and sleds : Of course I do . DON . . what makes you think I don't? JACK: Well . . .I have a feeling the dogs should be pulling the sled end we should be riding . . .I'm sure of it . (SOUND : TERRIFIC CRACK OF-WHIP) ~~/i~~, JACK: And that cocker spaniel with the whip is murder . . .-3~ka " yells "Mush" at me once mora, there's gonna be trouble ~ . DON: Gee, I can't stand this sBS more . . .Three weeks we been travelling through these frozen wastes ...... I wish I-xi&--- '/v..c _ ..w~ JACK: ~~~ Hey 3~,-tkez~r+s a men. . . . an Eskimo . DON: v7~1 Yeah, I'll go end talk to him . / ~ ~ JACK: S~'NOn't do any good, these Eskimos don't talk any English . HTX 0 1 0184669 -iB- DON: I know, but I talk Eskimo. . .I'11 say hello to him . . . Hey Compari . JACKc That's Eskimo? DON: Look, he's coming towerd us . . .end be's carrying food . JACK: Yeah. . .meybe he'll give us so~mGey, Blubber . . . .I mean maybe he'll give us some blubber . . .Sffie, he wants to talk to us . BOB : Ooooooggie ooogie was vae Msggehoo Meggehee . - u JACK: What did he say, what did he say? DON: He says fiksk his neme is Mighty Hunter and he's Chief of an Eskimo tribe . JACK: Oh . . .Ask him if he'll be our guide end lead us to the gold . DON : Moogle Mowgli Unga Takerre Igloo . Meraboo Oogle Glub : PH- N~ggi Koooh Tasge7 J,acN d'--.C. . BOB : Nuggi nuggi tahken : He says he can't be our. DON guide, helhbr something else to do. JACK: Ask him what . DON: Oogie toole naggarra? BOB : Takke loogi moogie papoose nunge wae wee . DON: He's gotte joq o Les Veges .,t* pick up his kid . JACK: Oh. . . . well, let's go on by ourselves . . .Goodbye, Eskimo . BOB : Goodbye, and don't forget dinner Saturday night . JACK: I won't . . . Come on, let's go . . : SNAP OF WBIP) . (SOUND ' ~.-- MEL : (BARKS 3'MHw) 19JSH. JACK: I'm nullirut it, I'm Pu11inR it . . . (SOUND : WIND, DCG9, SI75'D GOIN'.,) Nrx 01 0 1 e 46? 0 -19- JACK: WAIT A MINUTE, WIL40N. .LOOK. .LGQC AT THE SIDE OF THAT MQJNTAIN . . .WE'VE FOOND IT . . A VEIN OF PUNE GOLD . .DO YW HEAR ME, WIISON. .LCOK AT IT . .AJRE GOLD. .OH BOY, AM I UNHAPPY, MISEHABIS AND SCRRY : . . . . . Come on, Wilson, let'e dig that gold and go back to the saloon . (SWND: WIND AND STORM UP AND DOWN) JACK: (FILTER) BACK OF THB BAR, IN A SOIA GAME SAT DANGERWS DAN MOOREW AND WATCHING HIS UJCK WAS HIS LIGHC-O-LOVE THE LADY THAT'S KNOdN AS LW . WHEN WT OF THE HIOHf WHICH WAS FIFI'Y BELOW AND INTO THE DIN AND GIARE THERE STUM8iE0 A . MIf ER FRSSH FR O 7 THg CNEEIGS DOG DIRTY AND LOADED FOR BEAR . (SWND : SLAPPING OF BltR TWICE) JACK : (REG. MIKE) Okay, Barterder. . .I've struck it rich ., .Set up drinks for everybody . VEOLA : . Does that include me, Handsome? JACK : Lou. I came right back here after finding the gold just to see you . k4c VEOL4 : Well, the minute I heard you xaae coming, I hurried home and got into this new dress . . // JACK: You re~ must have been in a hurry.beaeuee ~ou didn't get all the way into it . . . But Lou, I~Vr got presenta for you now that I'm rich . . .IAs got diamonds and ermine furs, a'54 convertible, a platinum mine, jewels, and a yacht for you. MG RT}{01 01 B46 71 -20- VEOLA : Oh, darling . JAOK : Just call me Santa Baby . _` 4,,e 4 VEOLA : Oh, you - re so worc]erflal' .Kiss me . . ~ J#OK:=' --0kXy: (VEOLA AND JACK GO INTO A NICE LONG KISSING CISNCH) JACK: . . . Well, after that kiss I won't need my dogs or my sled any mo 'e, T VEOLA : Why not? JACK: There ain't no more snow between here and the North Pole, .,Givsne, ~another kiss, Lou . VEOIA : Sure,~I 11 ~b . wait a minute, be caref4l, .,here comes / Dangerous Dan McGrew, (I9JSICAL STINGER) . DENNIS : Lou, come here a minute . . VEOLA : Yes, Dan . . DENNIS : Didn't I se~e ypu i~ngt~hi..~s stranger a minute ago? JACK : Yea, you d"i`dY ,~~.u what a$out it? DENNIS : Do you know what I do to guys I catch kissing my gal? JACK: What? DENNIS : I cut off their heads and hang them up by their hair . JACK: Oh, DENIJIS : I'll have to think of something different for you . JACK : Oh, I ain-t scared„Now listen to me, Dan McGrew, Lou is my gal and I'm taking her with me . DENNIS : Oh no you're not .,~ dev your gun. - VEOLA : (FRIGHI'ENED) Don't, fight, boys . .,please . JACK: Get out of the way, Lou,,,I'm ready, Dan . MG RT3S01 0184672 -21- T JACK : (FILTER) THEN I REACHED FOR MY ROD AND THE LIGHCS WENP WT AND TWO GUNS BLAZED IN THE DARK , (SIX1ND: TWO SHOTS ) JACK : (FILTER) THEN A WOMAN SCREAFg9 AND THE ISGHPS WENT UP AND TWO MEN LAY STIFF AHD STARK , MEL : 9®ad* e, Stiff, DENNIS : (STRAIGHI' VGICE) So lonH, Stark. JACK: (FILTER) PITCHED ON HI S HEAD AND PUMPED P4LL OF LEAD WAS DANGERGUS DAN MoGRE W WHILETHH MAN FRGM THE CREERS LAY CUJTCIED IN THE AR618 OF THE L4DY THAT' S KNGNN AS LOU, (APPLAUSE AND PLAYGFF) RT 90 1 01846?3 -A-. ~-PHE JACK BINNY FiiO^vRAM . ?MNRICAN T0940C0 CO . rANUARY 24, 1954 (Transcribed Jan . 14, 1954) ~ :LOSING COMMFI2CIAL :dILSON : Jack vill be back .in just a minute . But first, a vord (Live) from one of the vorid's funniest men of letters, America's comic poet Laureate . . . Ogden Nash . NASH : Bomebody once vent thro u,$h my poems 9nd made,a list of the (Trans . ) 4 .,' .` _ 4r•nry o4-- . things I dislike . . e~~,--E~d , . W[sksas-me sou^•~ ~{U f,H~ws MGy .~,.~C e~reG6y-meen-euea .n In the list of things, . Of I like, Sk "He likes good eating" ou~ ^~ik~e~ 7 good anything . . . good fun, gea&~~ , good smoking . Naturally, I smoke Luckles . I vouldn't be here i _-~\ didn't, -s d v I smoke 'em, all I could ansver would~ e . ., it's because of e aLe,-_ mehow, _ e ust taste better . To put it poetically . . . I hope I'm not a crank, but I've got one foible, I don't enjoy anything unless it's enjoyable . ' 1-don Lt-ha f e , -enti=v-~-mano~.y-wa-huck3 .:3tcike-o-analysis I'm pernickety about what I like, And for thirty years I've smoked Lucky Strike . (MORE) \' BH Rrx 0 1 0184674 -B- ti-- THE JACK BFNNY PROGRAM JANUARY 24, 1954 ((Trans . Jan . 14, 195 4 ) CLOSING COMMIItCIAL CONT'D . WILSO N : We agree vith Ogden Nash about smoking enjoyment . It's all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is -- Luckies taste better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . For tvo good reasons . . . first LS/NgT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . Second, Luckies are made better to drav freely and smoke evenly . . . that, too, means better taste for you . So be happy -- go Lucky . Pick up a carton and prove to yourself that Luckies taste better . COLLINS : , Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother . . Lucky Strike Lucky Strike - . Y DH arK 01 01 e 46? 5 -22- (SWND: DOOR OPENS) RCCH: ~,, ARE Y(A1 FINISH® READING, BOSS? . JACK: Yeah. ROCH: WAN^1 ME TO FIX YN SOM LUNCH?, JACK: Yee, . .I thixi c,I 1 11 have a Jaem sandwich and a glass of RCCH : SORRY, BOS S, YyE, $AVE7M GOT ANY MIIK . JACK : What are yaitalking abou ,you just bought thirty-six quarts~this morning. ROCH : CONVERTID THAT TO 60 CAN3 OF HONCHCCKM SQJP, . JACK. Hot chicken aoup? OCH : THQtE WAS A FIRE SA18 AT THE DELICATE$S%N . JACK : Oh„ we11, I'11 have a ham sandwlch and a coke . ZL~ IL-~-~ Goodnight, folks . (APPIAUSE) DON : The Jack Benny Program was written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josepsberg, George Bulzer, John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . The Jack Benny Program has been brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the Amerioan Tobacco Company, America's leading manu£acturer of cigarettes, MG aru01 01846 ;7 6 PROGRAM #21. REVISED SCRIPT THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY STRIII6 THE JACK BENNY PROORAM SUNDAY . JANUARY 31, 1954 CBS 4 :00 - 4 :30 PM PST (TRANSCRIPm JANUAAY 2B, 1954) EC RT 80 1 0184677 . THE AMERICAN TOBACCO CO MPANY -A- -~-~ "THE JACK BsNNY PROGRAM" "21 7 :00-7 :30 PM EST JANOARY 31 . 1954 SUNII4Y OPENING COMMERCIAL WILSON : THE JACK BISVNY PROGRAM . . . transcribed and presented by I7JCKY STRIKE : COLLINS : Iuckies taste betteri CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher,Ssoother'. l COLLINS : .iuckies taste betterS CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoothert For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco : . Richer-tasting fine tobacco : COLLINS : Iuckles taste better% CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, .Smoother4 iucky Strike, Lucky Striket WILSON : This is Don Wilson . Friends, you know, I have a bit of news that I think will be of interest to just about everyone who smokes . In 1952 a survey was made of smokers in leading colleges . It showed that those smokers preferred Iuckies to any other cigarette . Well, last year another survey was made . it was nation-wide,,supervised by college professors, and representative of all students in regular colleges from coast to coast . Based on thirty-one thousand actual student interviews, this survey shows thatIuckies lead arzain : Lead over all other brands -- regular or king size . BA A rx 01 0 1846?8 THE JACK IiFNNY PROGRAM -B- JANUARY 31, 1954 OPPIVING COMh1ERCIAL (CONT'D) WILSON : And by a vide margin . The Number One reason for smoking (CONTID) . . Luckies was again -- Iuckies' better taste . .Nov, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is --- Iuckies taste better . Taste better because luckies are made of fine tobacco . And, they're actually made better to taste better . So for a better-tasting cigarette, next time ask for a carton of - Iucky Strike . COLLiNS : Luckies taste betterl CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Snoother : Uacky StrikeS Lucky Strlke!, Fi7X01 01846?4 -1- (FIRST ROUTINE) (AFTER COAMTERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : T}E LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . .WITH MARYLIVINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, LENNIS INY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WIL80N . (APPLAUSE . .MUSIC UP AND`DOWN) d DON : LADIES AND GENTLFMEN . . .IAST NIGFII' WAS A BIG NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD . .THE OCCASION WAS A SPECIAL SHOWING OF SAM GOIdRJ7IN'S ACAL@MY AWARD WINNING CIASSIC, "THE RFST 7LG'ARS OF OUR LIVES" WHICH IS CURRENTLY BEING RE-ISSUED . . . NATURAId.Y ALL THE IMPORTANT STARS IN HOLLYWOOD RECEIVED . INVITATIONS TO AITEND THIS CAIA AFFAIR . .AND WHILE ALL THIS WAS GOING ON, WHERE WAS OiR LITTIE STAR? JACK : Rochester, hand me my pa j amas, I'm going to bed . HERE No, no, my voolen ones . . nights are . old . I KNOW IT'S COLD . .BUT Y GOT THIiEE CONFORTERS, 2!. T4I0 QUILTS, HAN, AND FOUR ELEC' BIANKETS WITH A DIItECT L7NE TO BOULDER DAN . T~--- a ve~,r m~1 -nd~ .~ust turn out the light and I'll go to sleep . ROCH : DON'T YOU WANT ME TO RE4D TO YOU LIKE I ALWAYS DO? JACK : Well, yes . . .Pick up one of those trade papers . .either the Variety or the Reporter or the Wall Street Journal . ROCH.: OIJAY, I'LL READ VARIETY . (SOUNR: NE4ISPAPER OPENING) ROCH : NOW LET'S SEE . .SAY BOSS, ~ LOOK WHAT IT SAYS . JACK : What? EC ATX01 018 4 680 _2_ ROCH : TONIGHT AT THE ACADFMY THEATRE T1$RE WILL BE A SPECIAL SHOWING OF SAM GOId)41YN'S "BEST Y91F6 0F OUR LIVES ." JACK : I]mow, I know . X~n ROCH : IT SAYS AIS. TH6 BIG STARS IN HOLLYNOOD HAVE BE&N INVITED TO ATTEND . JACK :'?:2 a- I know . ROCH : DIDN'T THEY MAIL YOU AN INVITATION? JACK : . . . .well . . .franlCly, I don't know whether they did or not . . . I didn't even o r oo ng . ROCH : 0H BOSS ; xo JACK : Wha t? ROCH : THIS MORNING WHEN THE NP.~`'ZM~/% `Y, YDU GRABBED HIS BAG AND WENT THROUGH IT LI OCTUP HITH A bIIX[4ASTER IN EACH HAND . JACK: I was lo, okinR for a reP14 frcm Dorothv Dix . . . . .,Anyway, who wants to go to these special Hollywood showings . . .You always see the same people . .Lsuren Bacall will be there with Hunphrey Bogart . . . .Tune Allyson will be there with Dick Poweli . .,Zsa Zsa Gabor will be there with JFrry i- Geisler . . .Eh, I'm glad I'm not going . . .But geer;I've known Ssm Goldwyn so long, I can't understand why he didn't invite me . ROCH : YFAH, HE CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST YOU . .YOU NEVER MADE A PICTURE FOR HIM . JACK : Yeah . ne E C Rrx 0 1 0'1 8 46 6 1 -3- JACK : ~ . .But 1etme tell you something . .If I got a phone call right now inviting me, I wouldn't even - : PHONE- (SOUPID RINGS ) JACK : I'll get it, I'll get it . (SOUND : RECEIVER UP) JACK : (VERY SWEET) flellooooo . MEL : Is this Sam-s Meat Market? JACK : No, it isn't . (SOUND : RECEIVER SI,AE9MED DOWN) ROCR : WBO WAS IT, BOSS? JACK : Some guy vanted Sam's Meat Market . ROCH : SAM ' S MFAT MARKEP? . .THAT I S THE NEW PIACE DOWN ON THE CORNER . THEY ' RE HAVING A BIG OPENING TONIGHT . JACK : They are ? ROCH : RIDN'T YOU GET AN INVITATION TO TBAT EI'1Tffi2? JACK : I wouldn't go if I didr. . R JACK : ~: . . .Rochester, I'm going to bed, so turn out the light aiOll -- (SOUND : PHONE RINGS ) R , JACK : I'%W got it . (SOUND: RECEIVER UP ) JACK : Hello . MARY : Hello, Jack, this is Mary . EC prKO 1 01 e 46 e 2 JACK : Oh, hello, Mary. MARY : I'm glad I caught you . I thought maybe you had already left to see the special showing of "Best Years of Our Lives ." JACK : No Mary, I was supposed to go, but . . .I don't know . .when you've been a star as long as I have, you don't get excited about those things . MARY: Gee, and I thought we could go together . JACK : No Mary, I'm ready for bed . MARY : 17,,~: That's too bad . . .I have two tickets . JACK : (FAST) What what what what . :~.~~. ~ v~hat vhat' did you say, Mary? MARY : I said I've g-g-g-got two t-t-t-tickets to the picture . JACK : Mary, just because you got invited you don't have to be so nervous about it . . .Look, I was ready for bed, but I wouldn't let you down . .ao while I get dressed, you jump in a cab and pick me up in ten minutes . MARY : Okay Jack . .I may be a few minutes late . I wants stop off at the florists and get a corsage . JACK : Oh good good, vhile you're there, get one for yourself, too . . . I mean, cane over as soon as you can . . .Goodbye . (SOUAID : RECEIVER DOWN) -~ : JACK : ?=7.ROCHESTER, ROCHBSTER, I'M GOING TO THE OPENING . , ROCH : ` I KNEW SAM WOULDN'T LET YOU DOWN : Not the meat market . .Stop jabbering. JACK and help me dress . BOB : Hello, Jack . .the door was open so I came right in . JACK : Oh, hello, Bob . BOB : WII .E / mem~ ~ EC pTX07 07 8 4683 -5- r JACK : Oh, I promised Mary I'd take her to a special shoving of The Best Years Of Our Lives OB : No kiddin', Jack, you mean ou got an invitation' JACK : I cert did, that's vh I'm putting on s tuxedo . You may not know ob, t for the st twenty years I've been rubbing elbows t ost important people in show business . BOB : From the looks of t4e sieeves, you muat•ve been rubb 'em pretty bar JACK : A11 right, sll rlght .~. .rvow perdon me vhile I get ~- dressed . BOB')G''-i. I'll help you, Jack . While you're putting on your 'shirt, I'll but~qn your shoes . JACK : Thanks,'W~ . .OH, ROCHESTER, HAIm !4E MY WING COLIAR, WILL YOU, PLFASE7 ROCH : YES SIR . . .OH-OH. JACK : What's the matter? ROCH : YOU WEAR A SIZE FIFTEEN AND A HALF COLIAR AND THIS IS ONLY A SIZE FOURTffiV . JACK : Oh, that's all right . .We can make it work, put St on . ROCH : OKAY. .HERE'S THE COISAR BUTTON . .NOW HOLD STILL . .BOY, THIS COLIAR IS REALLY STIFF . .JUST A MINOTE NOW . .(GRUNTS) . .Tf1ERRE . . I GOT IT . .HOW'S THAT, BOSS? . JACK : (STRAINED) I guess it's all right, but it's so tight I can hardly -- (SOUND : BOINNNNNG) JACK : Oh darn it . .it slipped off the collar button . .Try it again, Rochester . , EC Rru 0 1 01 8 46 8 4 u~'75y -6- ROCH : (GRUNTS) . . .BOSS, THIS COLIAR'S*W TIGHT FOR YOU . JACK : -Ypi/8ul1 it harder . ROCH : IlM GETTING IT . .I,M GETTING'W. .HOLD STILL . . .THERE . JACK : (9TRAINED) Gosh, this collar's so tight I can hardly breathe . .Bob,how do I look? BOB : Like Herbert Hoover with a sunburn . JACK : DonIt be so funny . .~Now all I have to do is snap on this bow tie and I'll be on my -- - (SOUND : BCINNNNG) JACK : Darn it . .there it goes again . .Rochester, where's my bow tie? ROCH : IT WENT 0UT THE WINDOW AND HEAIED FOR CAPISTRANO . JACK : Well, get me another one . BOB : Say Jack, do you mind if I turn on the radio while youIre getting dressed? JACK : No, go ahead, Bob . : CLICK. (SOUND OF RADIO) JACK : Let's see . .I think I better get a fresh handkerchief . . . (BAND VERY SOFTLY PLAYS SONG BOB IS GOING TO SING . .SUSTAIN IN B .G .) JACK : that - s a pretty catchy tane _ ~-. z BOB : Yeah . .funny coincidence, '~$u`t I just did this song on my T .V. show this afternoon . JACK : Gee, it's a shame I mSased it--I ldm ~ liked tc have heard it, _ BOB : UrM, IW&,ying it for you right now . _ a._ . ._, -BOB CROSBYI S SONG -"HgART OF .MY HEART") (APPIAUSE) -y_ EC RTX01 01 8 46 0 5 -7- (SECOND ROVj'~ w 'JACK : ~at was a nice a ng, BQb . ,~ ~~ :-n- BOB : Thank2,ASack . . . I'MMMOMM be ruaning along . JACK: `}R'~•u_'So long . 4 L . , .. BOB : Oh, by the way; .if you ' re not going anyplace else after the show, why don't you take Mary down to the Cinegrill where Frankie Remley's bandls . JACK : No, no . .I think I'll be too tired . 1.~. ~Gt BOB : -:h Well, I'i going over there tonight, and we might have a lot of ]sughs . . .I'll bet , Maould enjoy it . JACK: - Probably, Bob . . .but she ought to get to bed early, too . . . . After all we have a rehearsal tomorrow and a hard day ahead of us4::`~ We, 11 ought to get a good night's sleep . . BOB: Well, okay . .but~ t~he geas n I mentioned it is ~ecause the manager of the Roosevelt Hotel called me and~ss dthat since Frank Remley works on your program, held iike to have us all as his guests . {1'~ JACK : Oh . . .Well, make sure you get us a ringside table ; .See you later . BOB : kay, and Happy 1955 . ~ JACK : Happy 17 Why dld you say ~ BOB: With evesy.tlt ng free C'yeay~e_ there till next New JACK : Oh, stop, I wouLdn't-- (SOUND: AUTO HORN (OFF) JACK : eg)~, that must be Mary . (SOUND: AUTO HORN T4TICR) AT}{01 0184686 -8- JACK : (CALLS) COMING, MARY CORffN See you later, Bob . I ' . ('PRANSITION MUSIC) SOUND : NICE CAR MOTOR UP AND DOWN JAC Say Mary, don't look now but ever since we've been ridin in thi b there's been a moving van following vs . MARY : I know : What? . JACK MARY : So many timea I we go o the thea and found out I left the tickets on the piano . .s3.$hJWtime I'm taking the piano with me . JACK : Say you know, Mary, t ~s a good MARY : Oh qviet, yov fa or everything . I we go he tickets right hare and the vitations, too . JACK : Let's se it . .Bm® . ."SAM GOId7r7YN CORDIALLY INVITES YOU To ATTEPID A SPECIAL SHOWING OF BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES" STARRING FREfR ^ SrMIQ1L`H, . MYHNA IqY, IIANA ANIYtEWS AND TBBRE9A . WRIGHT" . lllj, ~W muat be the theater ~ook at all the lights and . 0-,~^y - (SOUND : BRAKES AND CAR STOPS) HY: Here you are, £olks, the Academy Theatre . JACK : Come on, Mary . (SOUND : CAR DOOR OPENS) JACK : How much is that, Driver? HY : A dollar sixty :. (SOUND BOINNNG) JACK : Oh darn it . MARY : Jack~,~what happened? JACK : ~,[pthing nothing . .Here you are, Driver . .keep the change . HY : Thanks . (SOUND : CAR IYiIVES AWAY) Hr 901 01846 e 7 9 MAR'f : Jack, fix your collar . . JACK : I'm trying to . .but darn it, I've lost my bow tie : No you haven't . . .they've got the search light on . MARY it, it'll be down in a minute . - JACK: Oh yes . .here it comes . .Theret I got it . .Now wait till I fix my collar . .(GRUNTS TWICE) There . . .Come on, Mary, let's go in . Gosh, look . .all of us big stars are here . . . Come on . .hurry . MEL: Hold your own invitations, please „You spectators stand back . .Let them in . .How do you do, Mr . Gable . . .Good evening, Mr . Taylor . . How do you do, Mies Colbert . . .Hov do. you do, Mr. Stewert . . .How do you do, Miss Livingetone ., . oDS CB S TO STAND BACK AND IE T I JACK: I'M WITH H6R : MEL : Oh, well then go right in, Mister . . JACK: Hmm . .Mister . . . 1hryoesn't even know I'm Jack Benny . MARY : Well, don't tell him and he'll have something to look forward to . JACK : What? MARY : Come on, Jack, hurry . .the lights are starting to dim . JACK : 0kay . . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS) JACK : Hey Mary . .here are two . .right in this row . .a little more _,=e ,A-Z~'AG..A. . . . , then half way in,, .Follow me . . .Par3on me . . .pardon me . . . pardon me . - MARY : Pardon me . . .pardon me . . JACK: Pardo: me . .paffion me . .pardon me_ .pardon me . . . MARY: Pardon me : PLf.don me . JACK .pardon me, .pardon me . .pardon me . . .Oh, darn it, .~ there's only one eeat . .We'11 have to go bcok . .Pardon me, . y pardon me . . , MAHY : Pardon me . .pardon me . . JACK: Pardon me . .pardon me . .pardon me . .pardon me . . prrco 1 0 1 e 46 ee -10- MARY : Pardon me . .par3on me : Pardon me . .pardon me . JACK .pardon me . .pardon me . . MARY : JACK, COME BACK, YOU WiTIT OUT THG EXIT . JACK : Oh yes . .Here we are, Mary . .Here are two seats on the aisle MARY : Good, and we're just in time, the picture's ab t to begin . (BAND PL4YS FANFARE OF PICTURE ST&RTING . .INTO MUSICAL TRANSITION . .) (SOUND: BABBIE OF VOICES) MARY : Gee, that was a wonderful plcture . JACK : YepV-but what a crowd . . .Hurry Mary, or we'll never get out of the lobby . MARl : All rlght ll really enjoye9 th0lpicture, Jack . .and what a wonderfal cast . JACK : I agree with you . . . .only I couldn't exactly accept Frederick March's conception of the hueband . .I personally would have done it differentl MARY : Oh fine . .March is an Academy Award winner, and you did_V t likes conception of the role . . .I suppose you co' s,a ..e .ae..va~wc hotfon fhnn hn A1r1 _ ( ': JACK : No, no, Mary . .I 3on think my fans would ve liked me in March's part . . . . But th on the o r hand, 3o you think the public would have li rch in The Horn Blows at Midnight? : MARY : They wouldn't have like3.Cfiat picture Elsenhower was in it . ! JACK : Only the Democ naes . . .And anyway, Mary, we ' re not discussing ; politics . .I just said that as far as I'm concerned MARY : Jack, look, .there's Sam Goldwyn coming towards us : . 3- JACK : Where? . .Oh yes . BA pTYS01 0194689 MARY : Hello, Mr . Goldwyn . GOLDWYN : Hello, Mary . (APPIAUSE) MARY : Gee, it's nice seeing you . GOLDWYN : Thanks, Hello, Jack . - JACK : Hello . ~~ MARY : You know, Mr . Gol3wyn, I was/ thrille3 with theTicture . . . I thouQht it was just wonderful . GOL&7YN : Well, thanks, Mary . .Wha t d1d vou think about it, Jack? JACK : j-"% I thought it was fine . .excellent . .But I was just telling Mary that the part that Frederick March played was almost a natural for me . MARt : Jack . GOLDWYN : It's funny you should mention it, Jack . .You know, when I e firs asting the picture, I thought about you for that role . JACK: You did? GOLDWYN : Yes, but then I realized L1 llg~ the part called for someone oJ .der than 39 . . . _ ~,:, ~ . . . SACKi ) "rb°~-Forheavens sakes, why didn't you call me, you know what a liar I am . . . . After all, the picture was made seven years ago, I was older then . .2 meanyounger . .i#nF. .I'm all mi ;ce3 up . ~i.+.,.r . GOLDWYN : Well Jack, I'l1 keep you In mind for a* future pictures . . ...dz..o..ri JAC :j: , - , .Thank you, Mr . Goldwyn-~. .and remember„j I'm quite versatile . . I'm not just a comedlan . .Yo)i see, I'm a 9ramatic actor, too . . Listen to th1s . . .Hamlet's 8oliloquy . . . RT}l01 0184690 -12- ( MARY : Jack, please, not on the street . JACK: Quiet, Mary, Mr . Gol3wyn wants to hear this . . .To BE, OR NOT TO BE . .TH9T IS THE QUESTION . . .HiMTHER TIS NOBLER IN THG MIND TO SUFFSR THE SISNGS AND ARROWS OF OUTRAGT+AUS -- (SOUND : BOINPRNG) . JACK : Oh, there goes my collar again . . .Whero's my bow tie? a GOLA7YN : I swellowe3 it H JACK : No, no~.~`.here's t1e on the si3ewalk . . .ISCcuse me a minute . . ~ Hmmf . . where's my collar button? GOISA9YN . ~~~I swallowed something . JACK : Well, atopl)woog about it, Mr . .Gol3wyn . . .It's nothing serious . . .I've got another one in my pocket . MARY : Say, Mr . Gol3wyn . .Jack and I are going over to the Cinegrill for some dinner and a cocktall . . . . How about joining us? GOLDKYN : Oh, I'd love to, Mary . . .but I've got another big opening --J~ tonight . MARY : Another picture? GOIdh7YN : No, Sam's Meat Market . JACK : Sam's Meat Market? GOLIk1YN : Yes, i own that, to JACK: Oh . GOLDL+'YN : And that television can't hurt . MARY :Come on, Mr . Gol3wyn, why 3on't you join us . .ve'll have some funn . GOLDWYN : Well . . RTH 0 1 0 184691 -12- MEL : There you are . .four fingers of whiskey . JACK: Aehhhh . MEL : You know, Mister, you're the first man I ever saw drink out of a glove . JACK : I always do . I'm the only man in Alaska thatY got a hangnail with a hangover . . .Doggone . . .I've been trapped 1 in ttds saloon for eight days by that darned blizzard . . . . How much longer do you think it will last? MEL : I don't know : Well, I'm gonna. JACK take a look outside and see how the , weather is . (SOUND: EIGHT HEAVY FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OFIIiS AND WE HFAR THE DAIRIEDE3T STORM WITH WINLB 1DWLING LIKE CRAZY . . .ON CUE, THE LOOR CIASffi AND SOUND OUT . . .ELGHT HEAVY FOOTSTEPS BACK) MEL : How is it outside? JACK : Cloudy . . .Look, Bartender, being stuck in a place like this for eight days can drive a guy nuts . . .Item, got to have a little excitement . .JML ell you what . .I'll bet you five dollars I can shoot those three glasses off the top she]S in three shots . MEL: Five dollars says you can't . JACK : It's a bet . . .Stand beck, everybody . (SOUND: SHOT . . .GIASS CRASH) JACK : There's one . (SOUND: SHOT . .GIASS CRASH) Hr 80 1 0184692 -13- r JACK : Certainly, and I'll tell you what, Mr . Gol9wyn, you and Mary can be my guests . GOLDWiTI : Your guests? JACK : Yes, I ' 11 pay for everythin . ; i~- GOLDWYN : Mary, we better go . .this-aW be the Sest Year of Our Lives . 1 JACK : Yeah! . .Come on, let's go . (TRANSITION MUSIC) (SOUND: NIGHT CITJS NOISDS . .PABBI L OF VOICDS . . SOt M DISHES AND SILVERWARE . MARY : Jack, aek the waiter to get us a table . JACK : I don't have to . . .Bob Crosby said he'd get me a--Oh, there he is, right over by the orehestra . .Follow me, Mary, , Mr . Goidwyn . (SOUND : FOOT9TEPS) BOB : Hi, Jack . .Mary . MARY : Hello, Bob . JACK : Hello, Bob . .I'd like you to meet my friend Sam Gol3wyn . . . Mr . Goldwyn, this is Bob Crosby . n ; w POB : r.... ~, }p`i~eased to Wolt you, Mr . Goldwyn . GOLDNYIV : Crosby4 . . .Crosby? . . .~g. .Thst name is w familiar . . . Oh yes ., you have a newphew named Gary, haven't you? JACK : Yes, yes .,come on . .let's get seated . (SOUND : SCUFFLiNG OF CHAIRS) (BAND FANFARE) pru 0 1 01 04 693 -13- JACK: There's two . (SOUPD : SHOT) MEL : (PAUSE) You lost . JACK : No, I didn't . MEL : I've got twenty dollars more that says you did . JACK: It's a bet . I (SOiIND: GLASS CRASH) JACK: That slow bullet has made me a fortune . . .Anybody else want to bet? (BAGBY STARTS SAMg SONG ON LOUSY PIANO) JACK: Hey, you at the piano . ' (BAGBY STOPS) JACK: Don't you know any other see8e8 MEL: Nab, he's iggerant . . .But those f~ f,yrt~ rss in the, hJCL. ! i,,,~_ Y .. "'N'~7` -/~w`" cotner . . .~.e..p ar a .,.. ..h"e.. d JACK: Well, let's hear. ~soms l/O \ MEL : I don't think you'il understend them . . .They're French \ Canadians and speak very little English . i JACK : ' What'a their names? MEL : Pierre, Alphonse, Gaston end Remleg : Frankie Remley? What's he doingup here?:~JACK MEL : He came up ._here to hunt . JACK : What's he huntiog? MEL : Them dogstiith the brandy around their necks . JACK : What?MEL ,:" .They don't always find you,'you know~ . . . JACK : Well, let's hear them sing a song.' MEL : Okay . . .take it fellows . ATY{01 0184694 -14- T- (INiRO) QUART : ALOUE7TE GENTIE ALWETTA ALOOEITE JET'Y PLII6II2AIS ALOUETTE LIGHT A CIOANETTA LUCItY STRIIG3 JE SAIS TRES BON JO'LE JET'Y PLUMERAIS LA TET a LIGHT A LUCI{Y ALOUETPE JET'Y PLUMERAIS I.A TET . LIGHT A LUCKY AIAUEfTE ALOUETTE ALQIETTE CIGARETTE CIGARETtE AH ALOUJE'Pf'E PUFF HER CIGARETTA MA7k : OF FINE TOBACCO 00H LA LA ALOUE7TE GENPLE ALOUETPA WR07E A IETPER TO IIIi LEAR PAPA HERE IS WHAT ZE ITiTTER SAY "SEND MORE IJCK[ES RIGHT AWAY" SONAMpGUN THE ESKIMO ZAY SMORE LUCKIES TOO, YOU IINOH ESKIMO, ESRID70, SMORE YOU KNOW, SM01{E YOU KNOW ALOUETTE ALOUETPE CIGARETTE CIGARE'ME ZAY ALL LIGHT, 7EY ALL LIGHT LUCKY STRIRE, LUCKY STRIKE - AH -- ALOUETTE PUFF HER CIGARETTE SHE IS JUST AS HAPPY AS CAN BE WITH HER LUCKIES, MAIE OF FINB TOBACCO ISMF, L4MET LIVI NG MID ZE ICE AND SNOH \ WE'Rfi^VERY GLAD TO BNOW (MORE) ar 901 0 184695 -14- T HY : GOOD fiVENING, LADIES AND GiITIEAff .TL . .ON BFHALF OF ZRANK RDMI~.Y AND H.IS ORCHESTRA I WANT TO 1iLRO0NP YOU HERE' TC THE CINEGRILL IN THE HOTLI. ROOSYVELT . .TONIGHT WL ARN HONORED BY HAVING SEVERAL CDIDBRITIDS IN TfD•; AUDIE`]Cli, AND I'M SURE WITH A ISTTIE PERSUASION WN CAN GLT 74 .1a- M TO STAND UP AND TAKN A EOW . . .IADIDS AND GISITLII1Il3Q, THE 3PORT8[4IN Q.UARTET . r-~--' MARY : Jack, stop bowing and sit down . JACK: Oh., ou can sit down, too, Bob . BOB : Okay . .you be t down, too, . Goldwyn . JACK : Yeah, yeah, let's all a Hy; LADIES AND GIIiT , I'M SURN THAT GAVL THL SPORT . ARTET A GREAT BIG HAND, THCY WOULD DO MEA 4 F(1F HTX01 0184696 -14A- QU.4RT : HI TIME, HI TIMg HI,HI,HI,HI,FII IT'S FU(3H,TINME FOR US, TO GET ACQUAINTED IT'S ~BYM/~'TIME AND WE'RE HER~E~TO ENTIItTAIN SO HI TIME, W TIME I RT'S GO YOU KNOW IT'S SHOW TIME THEY WARNED ME WHEN YOU KISSID M6 YOUR LOVE WOULD RICCOCHET YOUR LIPS WOULD FIND ANOTfiER AND YOUR HEART WOULD GO ASTRAY I THOUGHT THAT I COULD HOLD YOU WITH ALL MY MANLY CRARMS BUT TH6N ONE L1AY YOU RICCOCHETID '!W0 SOMEONE IISB'S ARMS AND BA4BY, I DON'T WANT A RICCACHHT ROMANCE I DON'T WANT A RICCOCHEI' LOVE . IF YOU'RE CARELESS WITH YOUR KISSES FIND ANOTHER TURTLE DOVS I CAN'T LIVE ON RICCOCHBT ROMANCE NO, NO NOT ME IF YOU'RE GONNA RICCOCHgT, BABY I'M GONNA SE~OU FREE r y~ .~ : , BILL : Hey, Marty,' isn't•that Mr . Benny who just came in? ~4xs- ~ MAR''Y : right, we better get into a oawercial,right .nW . ,(~ BILL : But we d~ h~v~e `4 comercial lymics for this song. ( MARTY : -2,That's 90001Ws we'11 ad lib BILL : .0mr. y CB ~ RT?l 01 018469? •-14B- T QUART : I KNEW THE DAY I SMOI ED YOU THAT YOU WFRL MEANT FOR ME . TFD;RE'D NEVER HE ANOTHER LI%6 AN I6 MFT I PROMISED I'D BE FAITHFUL AND FROM YOU NEVER S7StAY SO HOUND APIDFIBM APID FULLY PA01ffiD +~ YOU ARE MADE THB FHFsSIH•7i WAY . BUY LUCRY CC SO MUCH CIF.A[U;B SM , TOO . YOU ARE FOH PLEASURfi DO I LOVE YOU, I DO Z AM NOT A CCOC SMO%BR N0, NO MB YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTSR TASTING LS MFT I'LL BE HAPPY PUFTIN' A LUCKY I CAN COUNT ON LUCIIES, I KNOW ALWAYS WITH ME WHEN I TNAVEL FULLY PACIED AND READY TO GLOW ALWAYS CLEANER, FRSSf~R,~. OOTHEEt THE BEST SMOI(E YET . LET'S BE HAPPY, HAPPY GO LUCKY WHAT A CIGARETTE LEP'S BE HAPPY, HAPPY GO LUCILY • LET'S LIGHT A LUCKY STRIIIE . (APPLAUSE) 2- CB ar 801 0 1 e 46 9 8 -15- (THIRD ROU'fINE) v . BOB : sportsmen f.o e Ylave eome~~OP^~'^pNr're~ngements MARY : AW/W . . Gee, the place is kind~of crowf-ded/t. ~ight . . . Romley really packs them in . w~+~.,.vh~'" JACK : You'r You see, Bob, like I told you en y^ou--c~am..~e to work for me, being on my program a big esset . .IAe at Remley, when he came ith , be wes just another gui player, but we toning s name on the program, an ow he e is rchest and everything . He's real ting up: in: the:: world:. BOB : Yeah . . .Now if he'd jus et up off t oor . JACK : Oh, is that him n there? MARl: Yes . .wben h ed that la st number, his baton looked like r o JACK: Well, let's get some food . . .I'11 call the waiter . . .and remember, kids, you're my guests tonight, eo order any anything you want . . .OH WAITER . .WAITER . NELSON : ...... YE55SSSSSSSS . - JACK : We'd like to order some food . . .may I have a menu, please? NELSON : Here you are : Thank you . . .Now. JACK let's see . .Hey wait a minute . . .the prices are all scratched off my menu--who did that? NELSON : I did, I hate suicides . JACK : Never mind . MAHY : I know what I want . .I'll have a Caesar salad, Lobster a ls Newburgh and broccoli . NELSON : Yes, Medem . BOB : I'll have a minute steak, rare . . .French fried potatoes, y and coffee . GT RT 9 01 018 4 699 ! NELSON : Yes, sir . ~ MARY : What are you going to have, Mr . Goldwyn? GOLDWYN : I ' 11 just have a glass of milk . MARY : Are you sure you donlt want anything to eat? GOLDWYN : No, I'm not veryA hungry, I,just bad a collar-button . JACK : Mr. .Waiter~j ~he 11 3us4 have a glass of milk. NEIBON :76/-(Z'm sorry eir, but I can't serve milk at this table . GOLDWYN : Why not? a NELSON : It's too close to the orchestra, it will make them sick . . . . . .Well, I'll go get th6se orders . JACK: Wait a minute, you haven't t51mn my order yet . NELSON : Oh yes, vbat'11 you have, Stranger In Paradise? JACK: 42M . .I ' 11 have the potage du jour, et ealads avec Roquefort, et le boeuf bordelaise et pnnme de terre . NELSON : Well get him . JACK : Never mind, just bring what I ordered . . . and we'd also like scme champagne vith our dinner . NELSON : What kind? JACK : I don't know . .what vould you suggest? NELSON : Well, when it comes to champagne, I always say . .Mm the vord . JACK : Waiter, that's a pretty corny joke . CB arxo7 0 1 e 41100 -17- ' NEL40N : Well, what did you expect for thirty-five dollars a week . . Martin and Lewis? JACK : Never mind ths wise cracks . . .You ought to pay a little more attention to your )ob . . .eome waiter . . .look at this tablecloth and nspktns . . .I've never seen such dirty linen . NELSON : Well, you do the m for u s Wong Foo : IAUD) NAITEg, NEVSR. JACK MIND TT E IMPERTINENCE, JUST BRING US OUR DINNER . . .AND GIVE MS THE CBECK . NELSON : OKAY, BUT YOU'LL NATE YOURSBCF IN THS MORNING . JACK : TBAT'g NONE OF YOifft BUSIN&9S . . .NOW 00 GET OTIIt FOOD . NIiI30N : OKAY . . .JUST LOWER YOUR VOICE . ~- MARY : (PAUSE) . . . .Psst, Mr . Goldvyn . . .Mr. Goldwyn . .you can come out frmq under the table, people have stopped staring . `~ JACK : J~ .ftbw let's all have a pleasant evening . .Iat's eat, _- __- dn1nL . anA hw mwrnv . (ORC AY3 VENY 90FT 1MNCE MU3IC) JACK : Oh, the 'I playing again . . .Everyone's get~ing'4p to dance . BOB : Hey, look vho's coming ove ur table . .Nello, Don . DON : Bi ya, gang . . .Bel , r . Goldwyn . GOLDWYN : Hello, Dg CB RTX 0 1 01E4701 -18- JACK : I didn't know you were here, Don . ( DON : Yeah, I came with the Sportsmen . .Fellovs, I hope you won't mind if I ask Mary for this dence? JACK : \No, no . .of course not . MARY : 11i'd be delighted, Don . (SOUND: SCUFFLING OF CHAIR)- me, fellows . (MUSIC UP A LITTLE T FADE TO B .G•.) DON : You know, D it's funny . . .I've own you all these years and yet s is the firs me we've ever danced together . MARY : 'fhat's right . .And very pleasantly surprised . . For such a big man you nce wonderfully . .You're so light on your feet . DON : Part of me is st sittin down . MARY : Don, stop beli ling yoursel You are a good dancer . (MCSIC COt9ES UP FOR A FEW, D'ANIg . .THFN FA AGAIN) DON : Say Mary, s Jack trying to get M1L . Goldwyn to star him in e picture? MARY : Yes, b t I don't think Jack is going V o get him to do it . DON : Why ot? MARY : Th only thing Mr . Goldwyn is drinking iV mi1k . .He's etty cagey . DON : eeh .~ (MUSIC UP FE7,J SF~CNffi TO FINISH . .THECI SPRINKLING OF APPIA9SE) DON : / How about another dance, Mary? MARY : I'd love to, Don . .but I see they've already brought the food to our table . .I better go back . R7 9 01 0184 ?0 2 5 DONOkay . See you later . SSND : COSIPIF OF B15P5) JACK : Sit down, Mary~ .-gcur 's getting cold . MARY : Wher~„e1-s'$ b••~? JACK : he had to eat and run . .he's cutting a records early in the morn•• ii~. Comg o}y Marv let~s eat (YRANSITION MUSIC) (SOUND :IGHr NIGHP CLUB NOISRS . .SILYERWARE . .SPC) JACK : (SIGHS) Tha was really delicious . MARY : Yemy-I enjoyed mine, too . JACK : Anything e1se . .desaert . .Some chaspagne, Mr . Ooldwyn? _ G07DJYN : No thanks, Jack . NELSON : Will there be anything else? JACK : No, thanks : Well, here's. NEL40N your check . JACK : (WHISPERS) Weiter, come here a minute . NEI30N : What? JACK : (WHISPERS) We t re not supposed to get any check . .ve're guests of the management}~y.-•- L • " NELSON : I'm sorry, I don't know anything about that . .the check is thirty-five dollars and sixty cents . JACK : (WHISPERING, BUT IAUDER) Look, I'm telling you . .we were invited here by the management . NELSON : I'm sorry, but I've beard that one before . JACK : Look, do you think I'd tell you that if it veren't true . . I'm Jack Benny . NEISON : I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE KING FAROtIIC . JACK : WHAT? Y G P Hr 8 01 0184703 -a0- NELSON : I I VE GOT A CHECK HERE FOR THIRTY-FIVE SIXTY AND YOU'AE GOING TO PAY IT . JACK : IIM NOT GOING TO PAY IT . MARY : JACK, FOR HEAVENS SAKE, YOU'RE CR5ATING A SCENg . .WHY DONIT YOU PAY THE CHECK4 JACK : YOU KEBP OUP OF THIS, MARY . NOd WAITEB, OEP ME THE MANAGER . NEI30N : THE MANAGER HAS GONE HOME . JACK : WELL, GET ME SOMEONE, I'M NCJf GOING TO PAY THIS CHECK . GOIiYdYN : JACK, PIEASE . .THIS IS EMBARRASSIN'i . JACK : Y0U KEEP OUf OF THIS, T00 . .YOU INVTPE ME TO YOUR PREPIEN AND THEN YOU COMI's IN HERE AND STUFF YOURS6LF AT MY EXPENSE .4~.iI'yM WISE TO YOU . GOLDn'YN : All I had was a glass of milk : I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU HAD . . .IET. JACK FREDRICK MARCH PAY FOR IT . . AND IET ME TELL YOU ANOTHER THING-- (SOUND : HOINNNG) JACK: OH, DARNj EE~RE Pf GOES AGAIN . GOIIYdYN : (COUGHS AND AItdOST CHOKES) MARY : MR . GOLLWYN, MR . OOISAJYN . . .WHAT'S THE MATTER? GOIIIr7YN : I JUST HAD DESSIIiT . JACK : -01[i AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY THE CHECK, TOO . . .COME ON, MARY, IET'S GET 0UT OF HNRr . - (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF) - Arx 01 01 8 4704 TiSF. JACK BFTSNY PROGRAM -C- JANUARY 31, 1954 } CIASINO COFPfERCIAL WIL90N : Jack wlll be back in just a minute, but first a word to cigarette smokers : Luckies taste betterl CHORUS . COLLiNS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoothert COLLIlVS : Luckies taste bettert : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoothert . CfIORUS ~ For Lucky Strike means fine tobaccot Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Iuckies taste bettert CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, 8moothert Lucky Striket Luckp Striket WILSON : You know, friends, there are three wordsthat pretty well sum up why so many millions of smokers prefer Lucky Strike . And those three words are, "IUckies taste better' . "Taste" that's the key to real smoking enjoyment . After all, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Luekies come by their better taste in two ways . First, from fine tobacco -- and that's right where you'd expect better taste to start . LS/MFP, Ixicky Strike means fine tobacco -- fine, naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco . Second, LuckLes are made better to taste better . (MORE) RT 9 01 01134705 ~JAANCy 31HNSINY954HOGRAM -D- CL03ING COMh1ERCIAL (CONTID) ( Y7~L~ON : You can see for yourself that they ' re round, firm, (CONTID) fUlly-packed, to drav f r eely and smoke evenly . You ' ll get more en,)oyment from smoking if you remember : smoking enjoyment is all a matter of tastet And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . So, Be Happy -- Go Lucky . Next time ask for a carton of Lucky Strike . 4 SP0RT8tE3J Be Happy -- Go Lucky QUARTTT: (IANG Get Better Taste Todayt CIASE) BA arx 01 01847 0 6 21- '?~~, JACK : e , ome at-last. (SWPID : Kr7Im UUUR. . .ywx urrm I JACK : I hate those big argumenta in public places . Mr. Goldwyn paid the check . He should hav went to his picture . ROCH: (OFF)-0'S THAT? A CK: It ' s me, Roc A(TH : OH . ROSS_ THE MANAGER OF THE HOLLYWOOD ROOSLe7XIll' JUJ'1' CALLED . JACKo Oh he did? ROCH: YES SIR . HE WANTED APOL ZE. BE SAID THAT YQ7 WERE SUPPCBED TO BE HI Y,UESTS TORIG ID7T THE WAITER MADE A MISTAKE AND GA YCU A BILL. - TACK : I know, I kno . Lhim HE TOLD ME 0 TEY.L YOG BE'S MAIISNG YOU CHECK FOR SIXTY-F DOLiARS AbN CENPS . SIXTY L JACK : Oh. . W 1 then, Rocheater, call Mr.Sem Goldw the first thing in the morning -- ROCH : YFS SIR, WHAT SHALL I TELL HIM? JACK: Tell him IPve left town . . . Goodnight, folks . AP ) MG Ar 901 01 e 4?0? T -22- DON: The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Balaer, John Taokaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transorlbed by Hilliard Marks . The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Iucky Strike product of the American Tobacco Company . . . America ' s '1 leading manufacturer of cigarettes . MG prxoi 01 e4 708 f "1 ±; 0 1 0 1E 4 ri? :a 0LL98L0 LOMld xe (h56t 'C xavnM3 = xosNVSy) ssa wa o4 * tr- oo * h 990 +h6t 'L xnvnxgm 'xvw s wveaoaa xruras xoar aIrl mtittls xx onZ xervdwoo oooveo,L tavoissrav sai M s aasuM uiY wvitaoaa -A- T THE AMER ICAN TCBACCO CCMPANY . T~ JACK BIC7NY PRCGRAM #22 7 :CC-7:3C PM FST FESRUARY 7, 1954 . SUNDAY CPENING CCMMERCIAL . WILSON : THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM . . . transcribed and presented by LUCKY STRIK&! - COLLINS : Luokies taste better! CHCRT S : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoot_her : CCI7,INS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco! Richer-tasting fine tobaooo! COLLINS : Luokies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! . Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! WILSON : This is Don Wilson, friends, have you smoked a fresh cigarette lately? You have, if you've smoked a Lucky . because The American Tobacco Company, the makers of Lucky Strike know how vitally Smportant freshness is to the taste of a cigarette . That ' s why every day in the manufacturing plants where Luckies aremade hundreds of packs of Luckies are carefully tested for the tightness of their cellapbane seal . ., so you'll get Luckies' better taste in all its natural freshness . Yes, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . (MORE) BA Hrx 01 01 e 4?11 ! . THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM - -B- FmNUANx 7, 1954 1_- OPENING CODAffiNCIAL (CONT'D) - : And the fact of the matter Sa Luckies. YlIISON taste better . (- - (CONT'D) Cleaner, fresher, smoother . There are two things that account for this better taste . First -- fine tobacco -- fine, naturally mild, good-tasting tobacoo goes into Lucky Strike . Then, L»ckies are mede better -- made round, firm, iUlly-paoked to draw freely and amoke evenly . So for a better tasting, lYvsher tasting cigarette, light up a Lucky .You'11 agree smoking enjoyment is all a matter of . taste and the fact of the matter is Luckiea taste better . Be Happy -- Go Lucky -- with a carton of Lucky Strike . SPOBTSMEN Be Happy -- Go Lucky . QUARTST ,(LONG CLOSE) Get better taste today .~ : 1 C BA Hr 90 1 0184 ? 12 -1- (FIRST ROUfINR) (AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND bOWN) DON : TfM LUCKY STRIKB PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BSNNY . . .WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCHES'1'fiFt, DENNIS MY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON NILSON . . . . .MOSIC UP AND DOWN) .(APPIAUSE . 4 DON : IADINS AND GF NTLEME N, TONIGHT JACK BENNY DOES ANOTfIE.Ti TELEVISION SHOH . . .BUT MEANWfffLE, TtffiiE'S A BROADCASTTO DO SO LET'S MOVE R7 E CLOCK BACK TEN MINUTES AND SEE WHAT BAPPENS BEFORE A RADIO PROGRAM GOES ON THE AIR . .WE NOW TAKE YOU'TO JACK BENNY'S DRffiSING ROOM WHERE OUR LITTLE STAR IS RELAXING . . JACK: (SNORES TWICE) " ROCH : MtM4.1 MMMM, I SURS HATE TO NAKE'P}ffi BOSS UP, BUT THE PROGRAM GOES ON IN TEN MINUTES . . JACK : (SNORN"J AGAIN) - ROCH : . . . .JUST LYIN' 7R ERE , SLSEPIN' LIKE A BABY . : (SNORES) . JACK ROCH : YBP, JUST ISKg A BASY . . .MAYHE I OUGHT TO TAKg HIS TH(EAB OUf OF HIS MOUTH AGAIN . JACK : (SNOHES . . .TfEP7 MONIDLES . . .TfRTN TALSS DRFAMILY) Nov Ava, ~ lease . . . . Yfa t a mi/nvte Lsna . .(SNORES) Stop it, Marilyn p .(GIOGLFS 4MarlYym, please, you're tickling my ear . . . Marilyn, stop kissing me : BOSS, BOSS, WAKE UP . . .YOU. ROCH WENT TO SLE6P TO RELA7C . BH ATX01 0184?13 ~ Roc}qeter : RAC`N• vc•,.}S, IkPIE . JACK : (YAWNING) Aww . . . . I was having such a nice sieep . .why did you have to wake me^ RoeMeew ROCH : I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO MISS YOUR PROGRAM : Big thing . .mies the program . .Look, Rochester,. JACK I've been in radio for 23 years nov . . .each year I do about 40 shows . . .that makes roughly one thousand broadcast I ' ve done . . . What would be so terrible if I did miss one? So I wouldn ' t get paid for one ahow . . .After all, money isn ' t everything . . ROCH : . B03S, WAKg UP . -. JACK : I am avake . . .NOw please give me my tle . . Oh darn it, n I ' m sorry I took that nap . . . Whenever I .sleep, I toa nd turn and get all runpled up . . .Hov does my hair ok? ROCK : FINg,, BOSS, FINB . . .YOU WANNA PUT IT ON NOW4, JACK : Yea . . .Hold the mirror for me, please . ROCH : YES, SIR . . . Y, MR . BSNNY. . . .AF~TET2.d 'IRIVB YOU ROME TODAY, CAN I THE REBT OFJi'i E NIOHT OFF? / JACK: I guess so . .vould 11xerto borrow my car? ROCH : YEAH . JACK : Oh . .you got a dete? ROCH : YFAH. i JACK : With Susie? ROCH : Y6AFUQNHS : \ JACK : ' Say, you ' ve been going steady vith Susie or a long time now, haven ' t you? . HH FiTiS01 0184714 -3- 'RCCFP.~ UR HUH . . .TI~ YBAFt3 . . JACK: Has \ question of marriage ever entered your ..mind? . . ROCH : YES, SU7^MXH9NK S4IANCE SHOV&D3T RIGHT 0VT AGAIN . , JACK : Rochester, don ook at-me/like that . .itls not my fault if you haven't~uc y in the benk . . .You've enlygot yourself-to/blame if you spendthrift . .What have you goti against saving, anyway? ROCH : / I'VE SEEN SO MUCH SAVING, I I M SICK IOF T JACK : Well, that's your own--- (SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK : COME IN . (SOUND ; DOOR OPENS) . MARY: Jack, I'd like to use your mirror to - put on my make-up. . v~~ the one in my roan is cracked . ud JACKYu~ Certainly, Mary, go ahead an--Wait a minute' . .dMaryMary,, that dress you're vearing . . .It's beautiful . . MARY : Well, thanks : I've never seen. JACK you wear anything so glemorous . . .Mary, how can you afford an expensive dress like that . MARY : We1l . . .I didn't buy it new, JACK: You didn't? MARY : No, there's a store in town that sells dresses that movie stars have worn in pictures . JACK : I know . MARY : This is the dress that Jane Russell wore in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes . JACK :4 Jane Russell, eh? . . .Well, it fits you perfectly . BH Ri"X01 0184715 r, MARY: I had to take it in a little . I JACK: Oh. '. MARY : Anyway, I think I got a real bargaln . . .It only cost me a hundred dollars! JACK : A hundred dollars! Tbat ' soutrageous . .L wouldn't pay that kind of money for a second-hand dress . Mf+RY : You wouldn't pay a hundred dollars if Jane Russell was still in it . JACK: Look, Mary, if you know so much, how a~---- DON : (OFF) OH JACK. .JACK. JACK: I :M IN MY lYiffi3rf~ R~O.~OiMy, Dy±ON~. ~ (COMING IN•)nYou and M6ry oetter get on stage We've -tm,S only got a fen minutes left before air time . MARY: I'm ready, Don . .Come on, Jack,-let's getgoing. . JACK: Wait a minute . .Here, Rocheeter, I rant you to spray a little perfvme on me : YES, SIR . . ROCH (SOUND : FOUR IAIID ATOMIZER SPRAYS) . JACK: A little more, Rochester . (30UND : FO1F2 MORE SPRAYS) JACK: (SNIFFING) AhhLh . (SOUPID : TWO MORB SPRAYS) ROCH : IS THAT BNOiP.}H, SOSS4 JACK : Yes . ROCH : NOW STAND BACK WHIIB I SWEBP OUT T1 E DEAD FLIES . k BH arx 01 0 1 e 4716 JACK : All right, all right . . .Now let's go . .Rochester, I'll be back in about thirty-five minutes . . . .While I'm gone, I want you to press the suit I wore down here, and the tie, shine my other shoes, darn my socks, and think up a few jokes for next week's program . - ROCH : BUP, MR . BENNY . . . .I'M YIXiR VAIET . . .YOU'VE GOT WRITERS TO THINK UP JOKBS . ' JACK : 4191~ Don't be selfish . . .They' help you mow the lawnl ROCH : YEA}I, THAT'S RICHT . . .AND SINCE WE IOSTyOUR LAWN MOWER, THAT WRITER WITH 2H6 BUCK TEETFi AND REVOLVING HEAD IS A IIEBINITE ASSET . JACK: Yeah, I wish I had more llke idef. . .CCme_on, kids, let's go . (soaem : DooR oPUS & CLOSES . . .FOOmSTEPS IN CORRIDOR) JACK : Don, are we all eet to go? DON : Yes, Jack, everything is fine . .but .Amb. : But what? DON . JACK : Well, Jack, I've been going through the script and there's one line in it that I'd like to change . JACK : Wkiet is it? DON : ~, here it '~$ s on page twelve . .Don't you think it would - be better to say, "DON WILSON RFADS CONMERCIAL" instead of "BLUBBER DOES PLUG ." JACK: Oh, Don, it doesn't make any difference, it's just a stage directlon . . .Nobody eees it but you . . . .Now come on, let's go on in the studio . - (SOUND : COUPLE oF aooTSTErs . .DOOR orgxa) B t arx 0 1 0184717 -6- JACK : All right, everybody . . .we go on theAlr in about three iBuf Yf.L` . minutes . . .Say, Bob, t think you--- BOB : Waltg~a min~e, J~sck Iive got to get the boys in the band l~ad f~ . . .(UP ALL RIGHT FEIdOWS, Id3T I S GSP READY POR TfB; SBOW . . .PCT AWAY THE CABDB, TAR6 THE MONEY OFF THE BASS DRUM AND STAND IT BACK UP : Nmmmm . . JACK BOB : NOW STAND TBE ~ Up, .T00. JACK : Oh, was thet Banm:yl gee, when he's lpying on the floor, his head looks like a honey dew melon ripening on the vine . . .Now Bob . . . : Just a second, Jack, the boys aren't ready . BOByet . BAGBY, PUT TEAT AWAY . : What? . BAGBY .. BOB : I SAID PUT TBAT AWAY. BkGBY : I CAN ' T FIND TfO: CORK . BOB : WELL, STICK A MIFfE INIT OR SOMETHING . . BAGBY: I AINIT GOT NO MOPE . I'M A PIANO PLAYSR . JACK : WBO SAYS SO? BAGBY : PETBILIA SAYS SO . JACK: ?i ~ . .Well, look, my losded Liberace . . . You ' re holding up the show . BOB : JW1 Jack, we ' ve still got a few minutes before air time . .ehsYi . I~hsve the orchestra play s®ething to entertain the studio audience . - BH 8 rK 0 1 0194?10 -7- JACK : Yeah, that would be aii right . DON : Wait a minute . Jack, the Sportsmen quartet have § great number they rehearsed with the band nnr(how about'ad~oing that for the audience . 4" LL~c~c . -- 'A-4 JACK :y~«e9Nsy, Don~ ,~,,. . .go.. ahead.~. : DON : HIT IT, FELILIWS . Bf[ RTX01 0184 7 19 -6- QUART: IN NAPOLI WHEHE LOVE 13 KING WHEN BOY ME&7PS GIRL, HERE'S WHAT THEY SING . WHEN THE FpON HITS YOUR EYE LIEE A BIG PIZZAPIE THAT'S AMORE . WHEN THE WORLD SEE M TO SHINE I,'ffCE YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE `~ THAT'S AMORE, BELIS WILL RING TING-A-LING A-LING, TING-A-LING-A-LING AND YOU'LL SING VEETA BELLA HEARI'S WILL PLAY TIPPI TIPPI TAY, TIPPI TIPPI TAY , LIKE A GAY TARANTELIA, UJCICY FELIA WHEN THE STARS MAKE YOU DROOL JUST LIKE PASTAFAZOOL, THAT'S ADDNE WHEN YOU DANCE DCWN 'Pf E 3TREEP WITH A C kWD AT YOUR FEET YOU'RE IN LOVE, YOU'RE IN LOVE . WHEN YOU WAIK IN A DHFAM BUT YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT DREAMING, SIGNORA SCUZA ME, BUT YOU SEE, BACK IN OLD NAPOLi, THAT'S AM)HE WHEN THE ShUKE YOU PREFEP 13 SO MUCH TASTIER THAT'S A UJCKY WHEN YOU PUFF AND YOU PUFF AND NOT ONE PUFF IS ROUGH THAT'S A LUCRY SING WITH ME CIRIBIHI BEE IBMFP GIVE ME IACEIF5, M9BE3A TRA LA LA, TRA LA IA IA L4, EASY ON THE DRAW I AM ONE LUCKY FE7dA, LUCRY FELU (ADNE ) DH Rrx 01 0184?20 -9- @UART : (coNT ' D) WHEN THE SMJKE IN YOUR HAND IS YOUR FAVORITE BRAND, IT'S A LUCKY Wtffi7 .THE TASTE IS JUST RIGHP ANDA EACHPUFF A DECSGHT, YOU WILL SAY . ~ WHEN I OPEN THAT PACK PSTtd . OF FINE LIGHf TOBACK, BIGNORA WHEN-A YOU TEAR AND-A COMPARE YOU'LL BE GIAD TO IECIARR IT'S A LUCKY STRIKE, A LUCKY STRII(E, . THAT'S A LUOKY . . (APPLAUSE) . , . DR Nrx 01 01 e 4721 (SEDOND ROUTINH) . . . . . -10- (4 ^" ~v..~~ JACK : Don, that number was reallswell ~-- DON : Shh Jack, ~ h . . ~ JACK: Huh? . . ,~ ~-x -: ~~ ~~ ~wr; 2aw~ DON : We go on the air in just ~A few seoond~ .guiet, everybody0. . five . . . .four . . .tbree . . .two . . .one . . . - - (ORCHESTRA DOES OPRNING THM AND FAAE4) : AND NOW, LADIES AND GFSiTLiRgSI . : .I BRING YOU A MAN WHO. DON EVFT1 Jc ~- ceue~y~ THOUGH HE CLAIMS 3~J :a THIRTY-NINS~ 6f3&9 TO BEDAT NINE-THIRTY EVERY-NI61L1' . . .AND RFRE HE IS, JACK BFSVNY . (APPLAU_ . 8$)~~" . . . JACK :~~r•~~'Pbazik~ou, thank you, hello sgain, thia ia Jaok ~e~ny .e J+.an....c. a..a .~.wis-eL ~ ~' /ya^ m'l~n./i~+sn ¢e N 4r~1.-t S'3o, . a" talking .^ .and Don, much as I'd 11ke to discues .that introduction with you, I oan't, beoeuse tonight we are going to present a very important sketoh . . DON :~~ What kind of a sketch, .Jaok4 : Well Don, the most popular books today are. - JACK mysteries about private eyes, and there are so many radio and T .V. shows about them, that tonight we are going to do a show based on the life of a private detective . MARY : Gee, that sounds kind of exciting . JACK 4 It is, Mary . . .AND NOW, LADIFS AND GHNTLII•ffi'I . .FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OUR RADIO HISTORY, WE PRPSIIiT A DRAMATIC PIAYEf BASED ON THE LIFE CF A PRIVATE EYE . .AN EPISODE IN THE EXCP1'ING ADVFSNTGROUS CAREER OF THAT ROUGH, TOUGH DETECTIVE, BULLEPS BENNY . (SOUND : FOUR PI9fOL SHOTS .) CB RT1S01 01 B4722 -11- SHIRIEY : (ffi.OOD-CURDLING SCRP'AM) (SOUND: BODY THIJD) . MARY : Don, help me pick Jack up . JACK : Hsu® . . .Nov in this sketch, I willplay the part of Bullets Benny, a fearless crime-busting detective . Oh, fine . ~ ~ JACK : What do you mean, oh fine? MARY : Je . .Why do you always want to play ose tough parts when you e such a ooward . . .You' even afraid of the dark . JACK : Oh stop . .I'm not ow , and I'm .not afraid of the I-cl YA dark . MARY: Goon .-.you've 6t a bodygu vitb you all night long . JACK: So what . . ts of people have b uards .at night . MARY : Well the least you oould do is get~ beds . JACK : ook, Mary -- MARY : You Pired the last guy becauae he had cold fe Mary, save that funny stuff for the sketch . .Nov ibL~s get on with the -- (SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR) . JACK: Who can that be? . . .COM6 IN . (SOUND : DOOR OPFNS) . MEL : Hello, Mr . Benny . . . Remember me . .I'm Herman Nebuch . JACK : Herman Nebuch? ~ Tffi, : Yeah,~ I was over at your house this summer an d sold you that life insurance policy : Oh, yes, yes . .but vhy come. JACK and see me now, I've been paying the premiums . . . . CB RT}S 0 7 01 8 4T23 -12- MEL :/-~ - I know, but the company has,put a new clause in its policy . .for another fifteen cents a month, you can get ,/~~ extra protection now . . , JACK :G~~~-Nhat extra protection? . MEL : 07j We pay you double if the planet Mars crashes into the earth . _ silliest ins_ oe~ J . For heavens sakes, Herman . .that ' s the P~"n claus -a~ Le~r ~heard_. . .If the planecra9hedinto the earth, everybody xoul bled and the money wouldn't do ~ood: MII, : Yeah, but at least you vouldn't feel like a suoker . JACK : L Gec, I never thought of St that way .rOkay, Herman, .if it'll make you any happier, I'll take the extra protection . . .Here's your fifteen cents . MEL : Thank you . .And here, Mr . Benny . .this goes with the Planet - Mars Policy : What's that?. - - JACK . MEL: A telescope, if you see it coming, get out o£ the way . JACK: I wili, I wi11 . .Row Herman, please sit down and let us do our shoa, w MII. : Yes sir . JACK : ~~ As I was-saying, in this sketch, I vill play the part of Bullets Benny . . .And Mary? MARY : Yes, Jack? JACK : You are going to play the part of a very wealthy society vqman . Yr H. Beki,n Van Storage . .You live in a big /,~s ~ru.xewvc. . ~ mansion,) ~e four mink coats, .si: cars, two yachts and ~~ eighty million dollars . - - OB Arxo I 0184?24 -13- MARY : Gosh, 3aelt how did I get all that? JACK: Last Ballowe'en you went down to Texas and played Trick or Treat . . .Nov Bob, you're going to play the part of a bartender . BOB : A bartender : YQq.y.Do you? JACK think you can do 1t : PA6ack, since I took over this orchestra? BOB I haven't bee . n serving marshmellavs . . . JACK : ~e-e Ek .wel1, Bob,~with those. ~~~J boys you'll always S have trouble . .only last week UP told you that you ought to fire Bart my the Drummer . BOB :8/I can't fire him . Why, if it weren't for Sema;y, we wouldn't have any orchestra at all . JACK : Why, is8amaqy that good a musician? BOB : No, his brother is a bail bondsman . JACK : -Q}r. .,snd the band gives him a lot of business : ,, A lot? 3emmy's broxher makea more~han mine ? BOB % 6e.~.~ m~.frce+.K.e ~.tn .( C~:~?FSO[: ,~ ~~f~-S? JACK: ~-Ie`£pa gewith a I .~c- casting the play because -- ~ BAGBY : (DOFS TWO TONED COMM WHIBTLE ) JACK : BAGBY, GEP AWAY FROM TME WINDOW AND GIVE H&RMAN BACK THAT TIIFSCOPE . . .What a piano player . .Nov, Don--- bON : Yes, Jack ? JACK : You are going to play the focal pctit of the sketch, the most important part . DON : Oh boy, that's awell . 19 TH01 0184725 r JACK : You see, the sketch starts off with you being held up on the street and you are robbed of nine hundred thousand dollars : DON : Gosh . .N p ~ ~ hundreldt1 ho~u. sNa ~~'j~~j llars . .am I a millionaire? ~JIMV M2£ .1V L.' .^ R L/an .. .(~ !1'//Y. JACK : No, /a! Birnk's truok~' .NOw'we're even for that introduction aboutome going to bed at nine-thirty erapy-a#ght .• .Nov, there's one more part in the sketch, and you're going to play it, Dam'+is . . .(AF4'IIi PAUSE) . . .Dennis?• . .Whereo Dennis? BOB : I don't know ., DON : - He wasn't at rehearsal either . . . JACK: Maybe something's happened to him . .I better call his . home . Don, hand me the phone, w DON : Jack, I called his house before we went on the air, and ~ his line is out of order . JACK' ~ GBqv do you like that . BOB : K!§1~~, we'32 start the sketch without him . JACK: Sure, but right now it's time for hie .song . .vhat are we going to do for a song? MEL : I can sing, Mr . Benny . . JACK : Huh? Look, Herman, not now, I'm having enough-- MEL : (SINGS) We're poor little lamba who have gone astray, Baa, bas/,/ baaa . . ~ ~ JACK : Herman~ro~*~~ MEL : Baae, .basa, baaaaaa, baaaaaaa . . . JACK : $q}yl&R J-__ i M6L.: BasaaaaEa, /basaaa8eaaa, ~baaaasaa,~baaaeae, .b83aaeasa -- CB 3A~clr. Ri}SO1 0184726 -15- JACK: }MS NA , ~S9E~ MEL : sorry, Mr . Benny, but I just love those lyricsl JACK : Hmmm : Say Jack,. DON why don't you let Bob .do a song? JACK : Yeah that's right . Ho`r aboub7 y,r- Irv BOB : . 3e.e I'll~sing, Jack . .an8 i=vwA-~6 a-dedioate this song to you . JACK : Wtlat is it4 BOB ; ~ "OH MY PAPA" : Well, go ahead,. JACK son . . .meanvhlle I'm going to walk over to Dennis Da9's house and see xbat happened to that crazy kid . . (BOB& ORCH DO NNMBER) -- "OH, MY PAPA") (APPLAUSE) - . CB Arxo 1 0 • 18472? (THIRD ROUTINE) (9CDPID : STFSh.T NCIBffi . . .FOOT9TNP8) JACK:Dennis makes me so mad . Nov I have to go all the way over to his house just to find out why he's missing the program . He doee the silliest things I've ev~se~ . .!~ 33tce ]es-ts_ummer we were standing by my-sirimming pool and euddenly he yelled, .- ~ one in Ss a 4otten egg" . . And I j umped- -iti before I realized I clothes on . . . SCIItm: FOCTSTEPS) . JACK: But gee, I don't mind walking today• . The weather is eo , wonderful . Imsgine . .he-r,~e (it~ is February and the weather is so nice and warm. ~DO happy I live in Los Angeles . It was varm yesterday, too . . And the day before that was really hot . .,.~(,~ourse,W nobody knows what the temperature wss . .The smog was so thick you couldn't see the thermometer . . (SOUND : FOC1'STEPB) JACK Well, I better hurry over to DeFn ouse . . . ~- : 2j en I see him, I'm gonna tell j~m plenty about missing _- op HARRY : Hey, Mister, Mister . JACK : Huh? HARRY : Ain't you Jack Benny? JACK: That's right, Bonny . .I am. HARRY : Well, imsgine me meeting a celebrity . . . . a real live celebrity in person . . . .Can I have your autograph? JACK:Nl~l Certainly . BA arx 01 01 e 4?28 -17- HARRY: Gosh, imsfdne . .a celebrity . . .I wish I was a celebrity . PCG a celebrity, JACK: Rea119 .A •Tell me, sonny . .if you could be which one would you like to be? HARRY : Joe D1Msggio : Oh, you~l~ik baseball,. JACK eh? - RARRY: Boy are you a square! ~ JACK: Oh, oh, I see . . .Well, give me your autograph book~ I'il sign it . . . . Thanks . . .What's your neme? HARRY: Rarry . . .juet sign it, "To Harry ." JACK: Olay . .(BIONLY A8 THON(lli WRITIAG) . . .To Harry . .vith very best vishes . .Jack Benny . . . . .There you are : Gee, thanks, Mr . Benny . . . .You know, I think. RARRY you're wonderful on radio and television . JACK : Well, thanks . - - HARRY : I think you 're so good, I wonder how come you've never made any moving pictures : Butf -----er . . .wait a minute,. JACK how old are 9ou, Harry? HARFii: Ten years old . BR . . JACK: Ohn .Well, goodbye, Barry . . HARRY : Goodbye . - (sOiAm: FGOTSTEPS FOR COUPLE OF sECONDS) JACK : . . . .Gee, isn't that wonderiVl . . .a whole nev generation growing up that'11 never know . . .Well, I better hurry over to Dennis's house and see what's wrong . (TRANBITION MUgIC) JACK: Well, here's Dennis's house . (sOUPm : FOOTBTEPS UP BTEFB . . .DOOR BULZER) BA Rrx 01 0 18.€ ? 2 9 -18- JAOK: I~ yan't vait till I see him eA* 9%Z4 . - "'" ' - ' '- (SOIIND: DOOR CPINS) KEARNS :// Dh, hello, Mr . Benny . . .come on in . JACK: qj Thank you, Mr . Day : DOOR . (SODNDCLC6F5) . JACK : Is your son home? • 4 KEARNS : No, he's_out with hiemother . JACK: Well, that'e why I'm here . . .doesn't Dennis realize he's missing the broadcast today? - KEARNS : : Yes, his mother insisted that he mise it . .But I want you to knowthat I didn't agree with her at all : But Mr . Day . .don't you and your wife discuss these. JACK things? KEARNS : Mr . Benny, you don't discuss things with Dennis's mother . .- you express an opinion and duck . But uhy should she insist on Dennis missing today' program? KEARNS : 'Mr . Benny, you'll have to talk a li~louder . JACK: Huh? KFARNS : I've got a oa~liflover , today I didn't duck fast enough . JACK: Ch, I'm ry to hear it-~$\ut I understend your problem . I' talked to Mra . D_ay eeveral~t mes and I knov how easily she ge ta mad . - K`G Aim : No,no, Mr . Benny . .she gets madderr she's alv-&M d . JACK~_21cj .r1de11, Mr . Day . .Iknow this is none of mq busi esk :: but don't you think thingemight be better if you -~ asserted yourself with Mrs . Day? BA HrKO 1 0184730 KEARNS : Asserted ¢ y self? JACK : Yes . . . have you ever tried to show her who's boss? KEARNS : Oh, I ' ve tried that several times . JACK: What happened? KRARNS : The Blue Cross cancelled my policy . JACK : Oh,, . (SOUND : DOOR OPBNS) JACK: Well, look, Mr . Day, if I were you -- (SOUPID : DOOR OPENS) VERNA : Well, I thought I'd find you here . ~ JACK: Mrs . Day, where's Dennis? . . , VERNA: I left him at ourlawyer's office . JACK~/~Do you realize he's missing the . -- = (TRANSITION) Your lewyerR . VFRNA : Yes, we were discussing that ridiculous contract you've got Dennis signed to . : . Au Oh ., .who is Dennis's lawyer? VERNA : The m of Finnegan, Reilly, Murphy, su7~4'Shaunnesy .~ JACK: Finnegan, Rei. Arpl~y Shaunessy I? VERNA ; Yes, a ltttle-trTt of Irelan oing to fall out of the aky na hit you right on the head . JACK: Hnm~ .We11~LO ,ok Mrs . Day, the contract I~kiave Denn tied to is the usual one between the artist and his employer . VERNA : Usual! You've got mp boy signed up for ninety-nine years JACK : So what? . VNRflA : So what . .how do you know he'll live that long? JACK : How do you know I'll live that long? BA arx 01 0 7 84731 -20- You alread have : LU~ cµt: ~ t/n~ s~y .tntru JACK .Now waitit a inute4 .I've tried to be fair to Dennis . VEPNA : Fair -- everybody knows you've taken advantage of him . . ask anybody . .ask Mr. Nsy here . KEARNS : Well, I think-- VERNA: You keep out of this . 4 iWVJ6i&,~=Yeey -desr . VERNA: And that salary you're paying Dennis-- . JACK: But, Mrs . Day -- VERNA: What a salary to give a featured singer -- forty dollars . a week. Why, I manage two boxers who make more than that . JACK : Well, fighters make a lot of money . VERNA : These are dogs . : Well, that I don't understand. JACK at all . . . Tpok, Mrs . Dsy . . that contract I have with Dennis is legal . . and .my lawyers will make it stand up in court . . So Dennis better be . . back on my show next Sunday or there'll be trouble . VERNA: (MAD) Oh no he won't . .My boy won't sing on your program next Sunday or any other -- (SOU6ID : PHONE RING4 . .RECENER UP) . k BA Rrx 0 1 0 184 ? 32 _21_ VERNA : (TOUON) 7{ello ...... (TAANSITION TO SNEET) . .Oh . hello, - Dennis .,, Yes, the old goat is here . . . .Tell him what? ...... But vhy? ...... Oh, all right, I'll tell him . . . Goodbye, son . . : RECEIVEB DONN) . .. . . (SOIIPID . . . . VERNA : Mr . ny,Ben my son eali~ he'll be back on your program as usual next week . : That'sbetter . .goodbye . - JACK . (BOUND : Two aoarSTEPS . . .DOOa oPENS & czcaES) K.F.ARNS : But darling, I don ' t understand..- VERNA : The lawyers vent over Dennis'e contract, .and when they finally read the small print in the last-clauee Mr . Benny put in, they were oonvincedthat Dennis can never quit . KEAFWS : Y hY not? .. . : - VERNA: Mr . Benny adopted him . S : Mr . Benny adopted him. .You mean he's not ours a VETWA : No . KE AARNS R NS: Kiss me . (APPLAUSE & PLAYOFF) k BA R7}{ 0 9 0184 7 33 NATvICNAL . JACK:4 I wi11 be back Sna minute to tell you about my television show which goes on iv¢oediateSy after this program on the CBS network with my guest stars, Mary Livingstone and Joan0 . Benny, but first, here's the voice of PuLitzer-prize-winning cartoonist, Rube Goldberg : PACIFIC COAST JACK: I will be back in just e minute to tell you ebout my television show that goes on tonight at seven P .M. over the ' CBS network with my guest stars, Mary Livingstone and Joan Benny, but first, here's the voice of Pulitzer-prize-winning cartoonist, Rube Goldberg : DH 8 TX01 01 8 4734 THS JACK BEC]NY PROGRAM -0- FEBRUARY 7, 1954 C_ ;,.nSiNG CoDIIMERCiA, 6(Ii~EN) :EN): Jack will be back in just a minute . But first, .) here's the voioe of Politzer-prise-winning cartoonist, (24 Sec Rube Goldberg! RUBE H1 folks . I've learned that what some people think is GOLDRERG (TO~Dtm) funny, others don't think is so hot . , It's all a matter of taste . And taste applies to a lot . of things inaluding cigarettes . To me, Luckies taste better, and taste ie what I'm looking for and I always find it when I smoke a Lucky . Now when I buy my Luckies, if you'd pardon this terrible pun, I buy 'em by the cartoon . WILSON : (LIVE) Thanks, Rube Goldberg . Smoking en j oyment ia all a matter of taste . And the fact of-the metter is -- Luckies taste . better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . . First,Luckies come by their better taste for two reasons they're made of fine tobacco . The whole world knows -- I8/MFL' -- Luoky Strike means fine tobacco . Then -- Luckies are actually made better to taste better . . . Made round and firm and- fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly . So, for a better tasting cigarette, Be Happy -- Go Lucky -- buy a carton . COLISNS; Luckies taste better! .. CHORiA: Cleaner, Fresher, Smocther! Lucky Strike : Lucky Strike! - BA RT}S07 0184735 y- (TAG) -2)- JACK: Ladles and gentlemen, as I mentioned before, tonight I em doing another television show and my guest etars will be Mary Livingstone, who as you know is really my wife . .end Joan Benny, who is really our daughter. . .Gee, if I had had a blgger family, I wouldn ' t have hed to hire any actors at w : The Jack Benny Show tonight wae written by Milt Josefsberg, John Taokaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced ard transcribed by Hilliard Marks . The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Iucky Strike product of the American Tobacco Company . . . America , s leading manufacturer of cigarettes . MG RTi{01 0184736 THE AMERICAN TOH4CC0 CCMPANY . UJCKY STRIKE TRE JACK BIIW PROGRAM a ai7NDAx . FFSRUatrt 14 . 1954 CBS 4 :00 - 4 :3o PM PST ('TRAN80RIBID FFBRIIARY 10, 1954) Nrxo I 0 1 aa. ? a ? THE AMERICAR TOBACCO COMPANY -A- "THE JACK BII7NY PROGRAM" #23 FbBRUARY 14, 1954 7 :00-7 :30 PM EST CPPNIN6 COMMFRCIAI. WILSON : THE JACK B&NNY PRCGRAM . . . transcribed and presented by LUCKY STRIILE! COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother : Luckies taste better : : COLLINS CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cledher, Fresher, Smoother! ' Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! . WILSON : This is Don Wilson, frlenfls . . .After all is said and done, the reason you or anybody else smokes a cigarette can be summed up in one vord : enjoyment . And certainly the enjoyment you get depends entirely on the taste of a cigarette . Put i% this vay . Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . Well, the fact of the matter is Luckiea taste better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Here's vhy Luckies taste better . First, they're made of fine tobacco . (MORE) BA prx 01 098473 8 THE JACK BINNY PROGRAM -B- FF 3RUAHY 14, 1954 . OPENING COMMPRCIAL (CONT'D)- WIL90N : Lucky Strike means fine tobacco -- fine, naturally (CONT'D) mild, good-tasting tobacco . Second, Luckies are actually made better -- made round, firm, fully-packed -- to always draw freely and smoke evenly . Yes, fine tobacco in a better made cigarette gives you better . taste, every single time . After all, smoking enjoyment is ali a mat~ er of taste . Andthe fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . You'll know that's true the minute you light up a Lucky . go next time you're shopping for cigarettes get the carton with the red bullseye -- Lucky Strike! COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CNOAUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! BA prx0 1 0 1 e 4?39 _1_ (F1RST ROUTINE) (AFTER COMMECIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN : THE IACKY °.lPRIISE PROGRAM, STARRING) DON JACK BENNY . . .WITK MARY LIVINGSTON, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WIISON . (APPIAUSE . . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN ) DON : IADIES AND GFNTLFMbN . .TODAY, FEBRUARY BOURTEFNTH IS VALENTTNES DAY . . AW IT )~ALSO T}IC Blfi`~Y~NE STAR OF OUR SF OW . . 30 HkAE BE ISq . .JAC•~K~4INEME• rBENNY. (APPLAUSE) JACK : Thank you, thank you, thank you . .Bello again, this to Jack Benny talking . .And Don, that was very nice of you to remember my b3rtkYlay . . .Bow dId you ever think of It ? DON : Well Jack, a strange thing happened last night . . .I ate at that Chinese restaurant ! you recommended . JACK : Uh huh . DON : And I broke open one of those rice fortune cakes . JACK : Uh huh . DON: MOPNOW .pnd MWlittle paper said, "Tis Better to give than to receive and Sunday is Jack Benny' s . Bir 8y .Q : 4K . . .What did.JACK you bring me for a present, Don ? DON : Well, it was too late to go shopping, so I brought you a pocket full of fried rice . JACK : 4W. . no late to go shopping . .I told you to have lunch there . .not dinner . . . .Anyway, Don, I'11 take the rice, there's a friend of mine getting marriei Wednesday : Jack, you can't. DON throw this rice, it's fried . BA pTX01 0 18 474 0 ~ JACK: So ' s my friend, it ' s Remley . . .Anyway,l thanka~ very much . DON : We11 . . .Anyway, Jack, getting back to your birthday . . tell me, how does it feel being a year older? JACK : Don . .I don't know . .it seems strange to advance another year, but then on the other hand, there's something exciting about reaching forty,,, .,Yes sirjA .,.. DON : 4M, Jack, you may be forty, but I must 6ay you look much younger . Q , ?' ^ JACK :,.,~,Don,jftle nice of you to say that .,,but let's face it . . my age is beginning to show,,,a little wrinkle here, a gray hair there . . . . Mh,,time marches on, . .Now let ' s ~, get on with the program :.~-.: .~ Yfait a minute, Jack . . .before. DCN we get into the show . . .3Xb got a little surprise, for you F : A surprise, Don? . JACK DON : Yeafay the whole audience is_gonna j oin in, .ALL RIGf£P, ]aYH2YBODY .7 51@01011180W. . : (SING) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU . AUDIFNCE BIRTHDAY TO YOU . HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JACK BINNP HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU . - (APPI AUSE) JACK :}'%L7~ Thank you,,,thanlcsT,C e e ybody . .thanks very much. DON : Wasn't that nice, Jack? JACK : Yes, very nice, Don . .,but .,,er . . .but . . .er . DON : But what? JACK : Well, I was watching one fellow sitting in the front row and he didn't sing at a11 . .,As a matter of fact, he had a frown on his face . . .and I'm just curlous to know wk{y . . .OB MISTFR . . .MI3TPR . . . . Rrx 0 1 0164741 -3- MEL: (~WAY~ OFF) ME? JACK : YI~~:^.~ .WOUID YOU MIND COMING UP IIIEE ON TNE STAGE FOR A MINUTE? MEL: (WAY OFF) OKAY . (SOUND : FOUR LOUD FOOTSTEPS UP STEPS) JACK : Nov look, Miater . .Mieter -- MEL: Fink . .F, I, N, Q, U, E. .Fink . JACK : Oh . .oh . . .Well, Mr . Fink, I'm just curious to know . . .You were the only one who didn't sing "Bappy Birthday" to me . .Why was that? MEL: Do you sing to me on my birth3ay? JACK : No . .no . .but then hov can I? . :I don't even know vhen your birtkYiay is . MEL : It's December/24~t`h".'. .and all you hear people singing is (SINGS) JINGLES BEsCdB . .JINGLE BEGL9 . .JINGLE ALL TNE . i. . .Not one word about Fink. JACK: Well, that's too bad . . .Nov look, Mister Fink . MEL : F, I, N, Q, U, E . JACK: J~7 I know, I know . MEL : That's French . JACK : Yes, yes . MEL : In Paris it's Finkay . 'N&:T7.,y.,, nna. : ~.~. J CK : ~I 86 care what it is . .all I wantlmow is if you've got this chip on your shoulder . .vhy did you come in here in the first place? MEL: Who vanted to come in? . . .I was standing in line for the Amos 'n' Andy Shou and some guy come over and~to~ld me ..,.rc.+-. they -MOW giving away refrigerators in here . BA Rrx 01 0 1 e 4?42 -4- JACK: Giving away refrigerators? MII,: In radio a program's either gotta give you entertainment or a refrigerator, now where's,my 1ce-box? JACK: You're not getting an icebox so go sit down . MEL: Okay okay . . .(GGhS OFF MUMBLING) Twelve programs this week,amt I stlll ain-~ g t a stick of furniture . ~,. t"~, .,. JACK: Keep ug iet, lp eas8 ) . .sDon, regardless of what just q happened, I enommommoMME01p~ - D - Hello, Mary . . MARY: ilo, Jack, Happy Birthday . JACK : Well, thank you, Mary. . .It wae awfully eat of you to remember t . MARY : Well, Jack, must confess that forgot all about your birthday, but a trange thi happened . Remember at rehearsal yesterd when said I looked like I was gaining weight? ~ JACK : Yes . MARY: Well . . .after re sal as went through the lobby of C .B.S ., I ate on the scal to weigh myself . JACK : Uh huh . MARY : And a a came out saying, "You we h a hudxed and twelve unds, you are kind to dogs, tomorrow is Jac Benny~s Birtkxiqp ." MARY: /I couldn-t believe it either. . .So I put in ailother penn,y and a card came out that said, "Don ' t stand he\e , all day, you I ve got shopping to do ." . MG AT 9 01 0184743 -5- W JACK : Gh. .,Well, did you do it? . i MARY: Yes, it'll be delivered to your .home . JACK : Good, good . . .You know, Mary, it's funqy how a person feels on occasion like this . . .Gosh, you become forty nd all o a sudden you feel so mature and philoso oal . MARY : I know, ad your article in Colliers Mag ine . JACK : Oh, yes . . .I ote that myself . .I called "HOw it Feela 3 To Approach Fo ty ." DON : Say, I saw that sue, Jack . .That's he one where they have your picture the coverho ing a big birthday cake . JACK : That ' s right, Don . .and ince t came out, I've had so many people calling me t souss that article . DON : Well, I wanted to ask y omething, too . JACK : How it feels to appro h fo y? DON : No, where can I get hands n a cake like that? JACK: Just what I expe ed from a approaching fifty--around the waist . MARY: Seriously, J , there is somet ng I wanted to ask you . JACK: What is it, ary? MARY: Well, many ears ago you were in v eville, weren't you? JACK: Yes . MARY: And times you were on the same ill with P7ddie Cantor JACK: Yes y s, I was . MARY: And at that time you and Cantor were the same age, weren't you? JACK: Uh huh . MG Nrxo 1 01 e 474 4 -6- MARY: Well, Jack . . .today Eddie Cantor admits that he's over fifty . .Now come you're only forty? JACK: Oh, I don't know. .juet lucky, I guess . . .Anywey, Mary, . . now that I'm approaching middle age, I'11 e to slow Ppl do the mad social whirl and out down night life a MARY: Some nigh life. .You have a hamburg6r at a drive-in. . . 4 squeeze the her a nickel tip . . .and then run home waxd Nughes . JACK: (MOCKING) Howasd 'aghes, No~ 'sxd Hughea . . .5ome joke . . . Mary, if you're so spart, t meask you a question. . .If I was born in 1914, h d would I be today? MEL: (CFF) DON'T AN3Wa^12 ID SISTEft, EE AIN'T GIVING AWAY NQPHIN' . JACK : YCU KEEP Q1T OF THI MARY: Who'e that? JACK: Some guy named F MEL : (CFF) F, I, N, Q, U, E . JACK: I KNOW, I KN . .Don't pay any atte4tion to him, Mary . . . There's one every audience . MARY : By the way, ack, my mother wanted to end you a birth9ay card, but didn't know your address, so she sent it to me . JACK: Your mot MG arxo 1 01 e 4745 -7- MARY: Yes, ' 1 read it to you . "CON IATION4. . . IT'S WO 0 BE FOA'1'Y, JACK, I'VE BEEN TNQtE AND I'M CCMIN' BACK : (IAUGffiNG) Say, that's. JACK a cute . . MARY: Mema has a wonderfu ense of humor. +7 ( JACK: Yeah. . .remembe he time she painted an extra t on your una]Crs foot and he thought he had seven? . . . S ome of the . . . Oh, o nnis . .You're just in time for your song. DENNI,I'da been here sooner but on the way down I had to stop off at our family dootor's office and punch him in the nose. JACK: You punched your doctor in the nose? DENNIS : He had it coming, my mother told me what he did . . JACK: W t? DENNIS~gl an I vas born, for no reason at all, he slapped me. JACK: Dennis . . . nF.NNiS- Grcl mv hnr.lr vue +nm.nA Y~A ~Lql JACK : Dennis . .never mind thaty;°.len'e have your song . DENNIS : Okay, Mr . Benqv . .but first . .congratulations on your birthday . JACK: (SWEETLY) Oh. .well, it's awfully sweet of you to remember it, kid . DENNIS : I never would've thought of it if you hadn't given me that ticket to the burlesque show last night. JACK: Never mind, Dennis . MG R 1,801 0 1 e 4746 -a- X DON : What did the burlesque show have to do with-it? DENMS : Well, a girl came out to do a dance„her bubble broke, and a sign fell out saying, "Sunday is Jack Benny's Birttelay ." JACK: Dennis -- DENNIS : You muat be popular, .what applause you got . ' JACK: All right, all right . DENNIS : They whistled and everything, p JACK: Dennis . . . DENNIS : What a fuss over a man's birthdqy . JACK: nnis, you found out it was mp birthday, that's all that matters . Now come on, let's have your song . DENNIS ; Ckay . . .(MUMffiZS) Oee, .when I!m forty, I hope I don ' t look like him JACK: . What did you say? JACK: Hold it a minute, Dennis . . .CCt4E IN. (SCUND: RUBIN"-1: Mr. Benny? JACK: Yes . RUBIN: Mr. Benny, I'm the usher here at C .B.S anrl I came here to tell y that you twelve thousand birttrlay cards in t lobby . JACK: No: RUBIN : Yea)3 ; they- re not selling, would you please tBlq_ - em home? (SWND: DOOR SLAM) Hm. .Go ahead and inc4-Benrds . (APPLAUSE) (DEPII4IS I S SONG -- "SECBEP LOVE") (APPLAUSE) Mr. Ri 8 01 0184747 X JACK: Thet vaa/Y'Secret Love" sung by Ibnnis IBy , . . r very good, Dennis . . . that was wonderful . DENNIS : Congratulations on your birthday . . JACK: .i e nnis, you congratulated me already, forget it . DENNIS : I tried, but I can't get that , bubble dencer out of my mind . JACK : Force yourself . . . 31MIMM -- a IEDINIS : You know, IM . Benny, it must be nice to have your birthday come on Valentlne'e Iby . JACK: Yes, kid, but there's only one thing egainet it, . .y18o~~ many famous people were born in the month of Februery . . . , Longfellow . . . Lincoln . . . WeBhington . .~t mekes it . hard for me to be-outstanding . . . - DENNIS : I can imegine JACK : 'courae;AfI don't. ~a went you to think for a minute that I'm comparingself~yiy sel fto a man like Waehington . . . DENNIS : Why not? wore a wig, too . JACK: Very clever, very clever . . . Did you mekeup that j oke yourself, Dennis? 7ENIPSS : IIh huh . JACK: And you like that type of joke? DENNIS : Yesie;; . I thought it was very fu JACK : (SCUND: FWR FOOR578PS . . .RECEIVER UP . . . DIALTIR}) JACK : Hello, Kenny Baker? . . . Come home, ell is forgiven . (SCUND: RECENEH I:OWN) CL ar 90 1 0164748 -10- JACK: You better watch it, Dennis . . . Another gag like that and you'11 only have one show . . . and another thing -- BOB : Say, Jack . . JACK:'~g'q Yes, Bob . BOB :~7Yf~;,1,oX didn't went to interrupt anything, but I've got a little present for you from the boys in the band : Well, this is ree l too much . . . to think that the. JACK boys in your iSd would remember my birthday . . . I mean with all their other wor ies and resnonsibilities . BOB : Well, Remley wea the one : (Yf~~ Remley, eh? . JACK BOB : VIMMM funny thing happened . . . Lest night Frenkie was in a bar end he happened to look vp end he sew e little sign that said, "Tomorrow is Jeck Benny's birthday." DON : Bob . . . that was written on the ceiling? BOB : No, under the table . JACK : I put it there on purpose . I knew he'd sQa it . BOB : Anyway, Jack, all the boys chipped in,o~,•t•hXe-y eppointed Begby the piano player to go out end buy you a plague, and they asked me to present St,to,You . . . So Jack, on behalf of the bays in theaw4wM16 here you eme . JACK : yWZ.e~llu,~ that's very nice of them . . . Gee, it's a fancy too . Let me read the inscription . . . "To Herman Heffelfinger . . . Champion Bowler . . . Anthrecite Miners Tournament ." . . . Bob, what's the matt r with Begby? Why would he get me a plaque like QIW WA aruo 1 0 1947 4 9 XBCB : 7/11A iYOU don't bave much choice when you deal with a eecond- - story man. JACK: WaitjOINM . . . You mean Charlie buys stolen merchandise? BOB : Sometimes he buys, aometimes he sells . JACK : , YAiss I p can't understend Bagby . There are so many decent, honest businesamen around . . . ahy does Charlie have 0o buy from e burglar? BOB : He gives Green Sta mp s . JACK: #/. . . . Well Bob, I'm not accepting_ a hot laque . _ OB : But Jack, if you give it beck, the boys'11 be insulte JAWell, I'm not keeping it . DON:~ Bob, I don't like to butt in, but Jack's righ ebout that gift . What's the matter with the b in the bb d? Why would they get him a like that? BOB : Well,~ n, I'm sure the boys we d to do better . . . but they on't have too muq ney lately . You know, they've been~\helping o 8909 . JACK: Sammy the drunnie " ~ BOB : Yeah, he's reel, t]own and out . Why, he's so broke ~ he can't ev afford'ad drum to practice on at home . JACK: Gee, the s sheme . . . \ I better talk to him . BOB : Well, ot now, Jack. He tirought his 13-year-old son d here today . . That's h \Sn~over there in the wings . JACK: asmy's son? Which one? \ BBB : That kid on the right . . . the bald-headed one . JACKV Oh yes, there is a resemblance . . . they both have that same reflection . . . But Bob, you say the kid's only thirteen years o1d . . .Hou can he be completely bald already? AT 9 01 0184 ? 50 -12- IENNIS : Happy birthday, Nr• Benny . JACK: Huh? IENMS : That bubble dancer is driving me nuts . JACK: Dennis, go sit down . . . Now Jet's get on with the program. DON: Ztk,Sey Jack, before you go any further, I think it's time for a song by the quartet . JACK: Ch yes, that's right . . . are the Sportsmen here? DCN: Yes . . . COME ON IN, FTLLOJS . . .Now Jack, thelW boys went to dedicate this number to you on the happy occasion of your birthday because this songkfe been aesociated with you for years . JACK: We1j , tyiat's very nice, ton . DON: And~~th~e'r'e'e a part in it where you play the violin . . . right at the opening. JACK : Oh, bon, do I have to? DON: No . JACK: , Well, I'm going to, it's my birthday . . . Now wait till I get the music stand up here . . .Sey, Bob, can I get a violin from one of the boys in the bend? BOB : .~'i-~ I don't know about a violin, but Begby will make you a good deal on a hot Cadillac : I don't went that, I went a violin. JACK . WA AiY{01 0184?51 -13- BOB : Well, the boys can get you a genuine gtradiverius next Thursdey . JACK : Thursday? ~ . BOB : Yeah . Helfetz is playing here Wednesday . JACK : Oh, oh . . .Well, I'll ,juat take what the9've got . Larry, let me have your violin, w111 9ou? . . .Zhanks . . .Hin. . . What a geng in the M cheatra . . . . Wnen they say that Remley is la~piz7nq a_steel~guitar, you can take that .a word either we9 .~A•hlµ•rig,ht, ibn, I'm reed Y . .40 take the openine;, WA RT }S01 01 B47S2 JACK : (PLAYS VIOLIN) 481ANT: Oh no, it isn't the breeze It's you know who . . JACK: (VIOLIN) QUART : Oh no, it's not Isaac Stern It's you know who . JACK: (VIOLIN) f QUART: By now you know itlta0100~ It's you know who . Can it be the trees That fill the breeze With fragrance that we a11 like? _ Oh no, it isntt the breeze It's Lucky Strike When we stop to tear and then compare bo we find they'g~ alike C e~^' Oh no, there's aone iW compera With Lucky Strike . Way down in Kentucky They planted e seed It grew to a Lucky Just to give you all that smoking pleasure ISMPT, we all agree Is smooth and so pleasant like Oh yes, the one smoke for me Is Lxoky Strike . (APPL4U8E) WA RTYl01 01 B47S3 (THIRD ROIIfINE)~~ A,,, .y~'.~ . -15- JACK : Th7 wea ~boye . . Thanks bery much . . . r You know, Don, ~ wsa nice of the quertet~-- (SOUND: KNOCP~ ON DOOR) JACK: Come in . (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) RYAN : Telegram for Jack Be JACK : Here I am, bo~."M he~re'6 a t p for you . 4 RYAN : (EXC1Th'D) Oh, boy, a dollarl A whole doller! Thenke, Mr . Benny . (SONND : DOOR CLOSES) JACK : I wonder who could be sending me a telegram right in the middle of my -- (SOi1ND : KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK : Come in . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) RYAN : Excuse me, Mr . Benny. JACK : Whet do you went now,IMIM RYAN : I forgot my bicycle . JACK : You didn't forget it, I bought It . . . Now, good bye (SODAID : DOOR SIBMS) JACK : I hate when a guy makes a deal and then tries to get out of it . . . ~~ (SOT1ND : ENVEUJPE OPEN) JACK : Gee,/the telegram's from my sister Florence . DON : '~ What does she say? CL Ar 901 0 1 e 4?54 -16- JACK : She says . . . '71FAR JACK . . .I'Vg BEEN LISTEN7SIG TO YOUR PROGRAM ANO I THOUGHf I SHOUID SBlID YOU THIS WIRE IMMEDIATBLY . . . YOU'RE NOT FORTY YEARS OID .TODAY . . . YOU'RE ACTUALLY -- Oh no . . . no, this can't be . . . ~,~0 this is ewful . BOB : r1n~/~+- yJeck, how old does your sister say you are today? a JACK : Thirty-nine . . . Oh my goodness . . . this is embarrassing . . . But my sister Florenoe ought to know . . . I guess instead of being born in 3914, it was 191 DENNIS : But, Mr . Benny . . . how could you be born You told me that in 1918 you were In the JACK : WEIJ., OF COURSE I WAS IN THE NAVY, A SIACKEH? WELL, HCYI OID WIIiH YOU THBNy . THAT'S HOA OID, THRKE : . H OUiD Y DON, DON'T ARG UNIFORM A UP OFF / , IF YOU WERE ONLY POSSIBIE GSP IN THE NAVY? JACK: ( I OJNED A BATTIFSHIP AND ' Anvaac . this i . . 'm going to call Rochester and have him look at my birth certificate . (SOUfm : FOUR STEPS) JACK: (OVER FOGfSTRPS) My sister Florence seys 'm thirty- nine . . . and I think I'm forty . . . I5~-to find out . (SOUND : RECEIVER UP. .CLICKINO . .FADE TO Y- BU2ZING OF SWITCHBOAF D ) r. : Ar 90 1 0184755 HEA : . Say, Mable? . SHIRIEY : What is it, Gertrude? BEA : Mr . Benny's line is flashing . SHIR7EY : Yeah, I wonder what Colliers Cover Girl vents now . BEA : I'll plug in and find out . . (SOUND : PLUG IN) - BFJ+ : YeB, Mr. Benny . I'11 call your house ivmedietely . +7 (SOUND : PLDC OIIP) . BEA : He wants I should get him Rochester . SHIRIEY : Well, be nice to him . . . you know todey's his birthday . HF.A : It is? How did ypg find out? . SHIRUs^r : Dial cJnaICx 5-900 . ` BEA : ~ But~e.•~ SHIRIEY : Dial, diel , // ~ BEA : Okay . (soOCm : RECEIVER UP . .DIALING UL 8-900 . . . BDZZ AND CLICK) JENNY : (FILTSR) The time is four .,,tventy-one and ten seconds . (SOUND : TIME TO NE BEEP) JENNY : (FILTER) And today is Jack Benny's birthday ., . The time is four -- twenty-one and twenty seconds . (SOUND : TIM6 TONE HEEP) JENNY : (FILTER) His shirt eize is fifteen and e half . . . The time is -- (SOUGID : RECEIVER DOdN) BEA : How do you like that . . . Imagine Benny heving his birthday announced on the telephone .How does he get away with it? - CL RT }i01 0184T56 -18- SHIRIEY : He used to be a personal friend of Alexender Graham Bell . BEA : Gee, with all the advertising, he must be getting a lot of gifts . SHIRLEY : I cen imegine . What did you seM him? BEA : A beautiful calfskin glove . 4 gilRIE4 : One glove? Why in the world vould you give him only one glove? BEA : That's all he needs . . . He never takes his right hand out of his pocket . SHIRIEY : Very true, . Say, Gertrude, can you give mea, lift home tonight? - BEA : I guess eo, what's wrong? SHIRIEY : I've got another flat tire . . BEA : Gee, you've been having more trouble with that motorcycle : Yeah.. SHIRITsY - (SOWfID : CLICKIPR3 OF RECEIVER) JACK : Operator . . . . (SOUbID : CLICKING) JACK : Operator . .Gertrude . . . get me my home . BEA : I'm trying, I'm trying . . .You know, Rome wean't built in a day . JACK : Well, you ought to know, you helped build it . BEA : Well, thank you Julius Caesar . JACK : Never mind . . .Now please ring my home . BEA : Okay, okey, I'm ringing it . CL Ri 90 1 0 184757 -19- JACK : Hm. . .smart sleck Gertrude . . . She takes you out for . ditmer once)ift she thinks she owns you . . . Oh well . (SODfm : CLICK) ROCH : MR . BENNY'S REBIDENCE . .STAR OF STAGE, %+DIO, TEIEVIBION . . AND SIIENP PICTLIIiFB . . JACK : Rochester . . . it ' s rns : OH OH OH OH . . . HEISA,. ROCH BOSS A : What took you so long to answer. JACK the phone? ROCH: WELL, T®AY'8 YOCR BIRTFIDAY AND I WAS Oi7T IN THg KIT HEN FINISHINI YOUR CAKB . JAC$i 6 ~ A ce e4~1^^'""`~ ROCH : Y8AH4.~'-Y0D OWEPA SFig IT, BOSS . . .ACROB.S THg TOP IN WHIPPED CREAM, . I WROTE "fIAPPY BIRTHINY". JACK: lE, that ' a nice, Rochester . ROCH : BY THg WAY, HC4i MANY "P'S" IN HAPPYR JACK: Two . : OH-OH .. - ROCH . JACK : 0-/-, So you'll have to add one . ROCH: I'VE G01'TA TAKg ONE OFF, I'VE GGf THREE . ~ JAC You can do that leter . . . Now Rochester, here's why I called you. . . I don't know what to do . . .I thought today was my fortieth birthday . . .but I just got a wire from my sister and she eaye I'm thirty-nine . . ROCH : WELL, DON'T ARGUE W1TH HER, BOSS, GRAB JACK : Rochr, I've got to be honest with myself . . .Now I went you to look at my birth certificate and tell me the date on it . . CL arx 01 0184758 -20- ROCH :YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE? JACK : Yes, do you know where it is? ROCH : IT I S RIGHT HHRH ON THE DSSK . JACK : What's my birth certificate doing on the desk? ROCH : YOU GG1 IT OUt THE OTHER DAY WHEN YOU APPLIED FOR YOT19 OLD AGE PENSION . - WACK : I just did that for a gag. . Oh, ROCH : WHLL, THEY MUST BE LAUGHING, YOLIIi FIR3f CHECK CAME TODAY . JACK : Rochester, stop making things up . . .Now look at my birt} certificate . ROCH : I'M L00KING AT IT . - . JACK : Now in the space where it says 'bate of Birth" . . . whet's there? ROCH ; A HOIS : A hole in. JACK the paper? . ROCH : YF.AH, WE SRASEO IT ONCE M OFTSti : Oh . . . Well then there's nothing . JACK I can do . . . and I'll have to take my sister's word for it . ROCH : I GUESS SO, BOSS . . .YOUR ~S~IS~TER MU9t' BE RIGHP . JACK : Yep i .i~'m hirty-nine "Coalbye, Rochester . ROCH : GOODBYE . . . CH SAY, BOSS . . . H66 HEE HBg HER . JACK : What? ROCH : AREN'T WE DEVIIS? JACK: You and Me? ROCH: NO, ME AN[) YOZR SISTII2 . JACK : Yeah, yeah . . . Goodbye, Rochater . . (SOUPII7 : RECEIVER MIAN) (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF) . . prrc 01 0 1 e 4?59 CLOSINC C0 MMEFiC ~ . . . . . : Jack wiil95 -CWII30N be back in just a minute, but first a word to cigarette smokers . COLLINS : Luckles taste better! . CHCRUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! : Luckies taste better! . CCLLINS . CHORUS : Cleaner, Freeher,Smoother! . For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco! . Richer-tasting fine tobacoo COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! . WIISCN : You know, you can count on AmericanCollege .students to know a good thing when they eee it . A survey made in 1952 of smokers Sn leading colleges ehowed that Luckiess were the favorites in those colleges, . Well, lest year another survey was made . It was natlon-wlde, supervised by college professors, end representetivef of all students in regular colleges fromaoest to coast . Based on thirty-one thousand actual student interviews, the survey shows that c s] .ead a¢ein! Leed over ell other brands, regular or kingsize and by a wide margin . Luckies f better taste was the reeson given most often . Wben you come right down to it smoking ensoyment is all a matter of taste -- and the fact of the matter is . . . . uok es taste better, . (MORE) CL Hrx 01 0194760 D- 1 CLOSINGF~ ( CONTI ) . . D WILSON : Taste better because they're made of fine tobacco . (CONTID) Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . And then, Luckies ere made better . . . So make that.next carton Lucky Strike, the cigarette that tastes better . SPORTSMEN 0 QUARTET : Be Happy -- Go Lucky (LW`G CLOSE) Get better teste today! CL -4 RTX01 016 4 761 . } ALLOCATION - -2 1_ F~ix 14 1954 [Transcr e . 10, 1954) . . JACK : Ladies and gentlemen, I ' m not the only one who t e celebrating a birthday. . Last week, more than three million, three hundred thousand Scouts and Iseders of the Boy 9coutsof Americe hed a candle-lighting job on their hands . It was the beginning of Boy Scout Week, and these Scouts edded the 44th candle to their birthday ceke . . . candles that through the years hav3 lighted boyhood ' s path to manhood, brightening the way with fun and fellowehip,guiding boys to a future of good citizenship . And ladies and gentlemen today's . Scouts are tomorrow ' s citizens . Thank you . (APPLAUSE) CL Arx 01 01 e 4?62 -22- (TAG ) (SOUND : FCC2STBPS) . JACK : Come on, Don, the car ' a right around the corner . 2 ' 11 t drive you home . DON : Ckay, JACK : You know, Don, that was a pretty good progrsm va just did, but I think -- U . MEL : HEy, SENNY . . . HENNY . ., . (SOUND : FCCT3PBPS STOP) JACK: Huh? Oh, it ' s you, Mr . Fink. - MEL : Yeah )~Idonft you know some program I can go on and win a refrigerator? - , - . . JACK: ~o, Ldon't . . . Com9 on, Don . . MEL : Well, I t m gonna gat a refrigerator even Sf I have to buy one . JACK : Well, I don't care M-- Buy one? . . . Get in the oar, MisterT*:^~' Goodnight, folks . (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF) CL RiY{01 01 13 47E3 -23- DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was tmitten by Sam Perrin, M11t Josefeberg, George Balr.er, John Taokaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . . . The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike product of the American Tobacco Company . . . Americafs leading manufacturer of cigarettes . k CL N7 8 01 0184764 . PRa6RAM //24 RfiVISID SCRIPT - TNB AMBRICAN TOBACCO CCMPANY LTR)KY STRIRE T}ff; JACK BENNY PRCGAAM a SUNDAY, FIDRINNY 21, 1954 CBS 4 :oo -. 4 :30 PM PST (TnANSCNIgso FfiaztunxY 4, 1954) sBA RT}S01 0184765 OPENING CO1+lh'ERCIAL -A- 'tjiF. AMEWT . N Tp$A A .0 . "T@E A K R]_NY PRO_(3jNM" _t2A F£BRUARY 21 . 1954 WIL9ON : THE JACK BESNNY PROGRAM •• . transcribed and presented by 7JJCKY STBII{t : . . CGLLINS : Luckies taste bettert . . CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, 3mootherf COLLINS : Luckles taste bettert - CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoothert For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-testing fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste betterl CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smootherl . . . Lucky Strikel Lucky Strikel - WILSON ~ : This is Don Wilson, friends, Hopdo you feel about it7 Isn't smoking enjoyment the main thing you went from your cigarette? Well, just remember this . Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother . Now freshness is especially important -- and you'll be glad to knou that every pack of Lucky Strike is extra tightly sealed to bring you Lickies' better taste in all its natural freshness . Light up a Lucky and see for yourself how much fresher, bow muah better it does taste . Luckies just have to taste better . In the first place they're made with fine tobacco . . . fine, naturally mild, good testing tobacco . (MCHE) RTXO1 01 8 47 6 6 OPENING 2nSAL (~CONT'D) ' _B_ R1TO WILSON : Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . Secondly, Luckies are (CONT , D) mede better -- made round and firm and fully pecked to draw freely and emoke evenly . A11 this means better taste . Yea, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And-the fact of the matter is .Luckies taste better . So Be Happy -- Go Lucky . Get better taste and get it fresh with Lucky Strike . . A SPORISMEN Q~N`G~' : . CLOSE) Be Happy -- Go Lucky Get better taste todayt , DH Arx 01 0 1 e 4?6? (FmST ROUTINE) -i- (AFPER COMNE RCIAL , MUSIC UP AND Dd7N) DON: THE LUCRY 81'RIRB PROt3RAM, HPARRIN3 JACK BENNY . . .WITH MARY ISVINOSTON6 , ROCYD;°'1'ffit , DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "Y09RS TRDLY" DON W17.SON...... (APPLAOSE . . .MOSIC AP AND DCIiN) . : IADI&S AND OENPI&W . . .TONIOHP. DON JACK BSHNY AND HIS BNPIRS CAST IBAVS FOfi NE 4 YORK.WH6E8 TI EAM ttd, DO ONE T , SION AND Tv70 RADIO SHCk18 . .AS WE LO OK IN ON JACK'S 19Q IN BEYIItLY HILSB, ROCHBSTER IS TAffiN6 CARF OF THB PACKCQi} FOR TEE TRIP . ROCH : . . .NO+1 IST3* SZ B IF SV&H4T!@if}' S PACK® . . .SLIPPE L9: . ._ SMOKIIiO JACREP ...SII%ROBB . . .ONB FULL DRSB .S 9U1T . . DINNER JAClO3T . . .T+IOTW®OS . .~.SII% BCARF . . .OIAVBS . . . . WHPPE TIS . . .AND SPATS . . .WELL I OiE.4STHAT'H ABODT ALL : .. . Nd7 I BkTT88 PACK Mfl . BNNNY'S :THINGS ...... VM . .-RIM TO 00 OIIF AND BUY SOIE IIX30A0S .OLAD. I CONVINCBD ~ FOR THIS TRIP . . .THB BOSS RNPLSaC OUl' A BARGAIN 40 THIS AIRPLANB LUOQAOB BDYIM3 ] 7 SSCOND HAND . . . .TH6R8'S NO DOIBT BTIi' 1T'S GENUINE AIRPUANB LIi30A0E . . . . IT USED TO BELONG TO oRVIIdS WRIOHI' . . .WELL, IPSP'S S&&,-- (SOUPID : DOOR OPENS) JACK : (COMING IN) ROohester, hov ere you getting along with my packing4 ROCH : FINE, BOSS . . .I'M AL'.R0.91' DONB . JACK: Did you peok an vB toilet .artiolea4 . ROCH: ffi HCIIi . . .AND I MAiHs SUM I PIH' IN YO1Ht HAIR OIL . : . . DANDRNFB RBMOVER . .14LPfARY BRD3M:3 AND COMB . JACK: Oood ...... BA Rr 801 0 1 e 4?68 -2- ~. ~ ' ROCH : THEY'RE NOT NBCESSARYBur ~t AT FOR YOUR MORAIE : ~ JACK : Yes, yes . . Well, I'm go look for soma books to take on the train . (SOUNb : DOOR CIA.4ES) ROCH : . . .WELL, IET'S SEE., WHAT EL4E W1LS.MR . BBNNY WANP TO TAKE AUJNO WITH H7M TO NEW YORY.. . .TT'LL BS PREITY COID THERE, I BETT'FsH PACK SOME 0F HIS IAN3 llNLERWBAR . (SOUND: COUPIH FOOPSTEPS . . .BUREAU ISiAWER OPENS) ROCH: HERE THEY ARE, . .HEA/60~T A Ipf OF LONG UtIDEtib'F~.~. .~.H6 ~ HF.E HEB . . .I ' LL NEVER FORGEI' THAT TIME HE PU1' ON BACKNARDS . . . . HE L00I® LIISE A SAIIQR . . .SAY, WHAT'S THIS, . THIS PAIR HAS THB ISOS CU1 OFF JUSf BBLOW THE KNEFB . . . i OH YES, NOd I RPsFffiDIDSR . . .MR .. BSNNY DID THAT IN PAIM SPRINOS. . H6 WANfF9 PSOPIE TO THINK THEY WERE PEDAL .\ PUSHERS . . . WELL, I BETTS@ (SOUND : D0C&2 OPENS) JACK .(COMING IN) Here, Rooheeter, put these books in my bag. ROCH : Y8. S1R . . r ATT AMINUIRS, BOSS, DIDN'T YOU RFAD THIS BOOK WBEN ST CAmE OU1' . .SZNSTEIN'S THEORY OF RSIAT JACK : Uh huh . . . . Z d lnctly reme • it had fo utdred i end ninety-tvo pa . .those numbe• :~re the only things I understood . .Hm . tein's The~o I Relativity . . .8h, . . . won't ree again . .I'11 wait till they make a picture out of it . .,I le l`going to make it in the square root of - ow, Rochester, don't~~ S..o~r-(get to take along my violin . ROCH : YOU TAKING THAT, TO 66W YWiK W1TH YOU? BA AT 8 01 01 9 4764 -3- JACK : Yes, a:q there's elaaye a possibility it might get lost or damaged . . .so see that my insurance policy with Lloyde of Lon3on is paid : YOU GOT YOUR VIOLIN INSURF9up~ ROCH 10 LLOY,D9 OF LONDONI JACK : Yes, why7 ROCH : I THOLGIII' ANYTHING THAT MOANS LIKE TkWT WOULD HAVE THg ~ BLDB CR09S . JACK: Rochester, never mind being a musical critic, I'm going to take my violin W--- (SOIIPID : DOOR BUZZ.Hi) ROCH : SHALL I AN9d8R THE DOOii4 JACK : No, you finish IM packing, I'll get it : FOOTSPBPS . . .SiATAII7 IN B .G. (BODfID .) JACK : Gee, I can hardly wait to get on that train . (SOUfID : DOOR BUlyER) JACK : COMING . . .COMITR'i . . . - 1 (SOUND : 'fH0 FOOTSPBP8 . . .DOOR OPSN3) JACK ; 0k) Oh, hello, Don . DON : (A LITTiE ANGHY) Hello, Jack . JACK : Come on in . . (gOUNb : DOOR CL08ES) JACK : Don, I didn't think I'd see you till we got to the station. DON : Jack, what I have to talk to you about can't wait . JACK : Why, what's the matter? DON : =MAbout the accommodations you got me on the Super Chief . BA Ri 80 1 0184770 ,~/~q -u- JACK : 7/~(What's wrong with them? . . DON: Me. . .in an uuDer berth? JACK : Don, everybody on the show has an upper berth : Well, I don't like it . . - DON JACK : Now wait a minute, Don . . .the leet time we went to New York, hocrdid you go? DON : You ehipped me by 1leight, JACK: Oh y,ea,, .I forgot . . .I made a good dealwlth the railroad . I DON : Yeb}.a & that was the most humiliating trip ever took . JACK: Humiliating? Why? DON : When the train stopped at Chicago, they opened the door and soma guy stamped "Swift & Company" on me . JACK : All right, Grade A, . .1f it'll make you happy, I'1l get you a compartment. . DON : 7/191 That ' s better . ROOH : (OFF) BOSS, I'VE GOT El'SR'Yf}IIHG ALL PAC KE D At1D READY,JACK : Good, good . . . . . (SOGfID : PHON6 RIIiOS . . .COUPIB FOOPSEPS . . . REC&IVSH UP) . JACK : Hello . B OB : ~~ ~'He~llo, Jack, this Is Bob Crosby . JAC R~- Whaa it, ism BOB : Well, June and the kids are all going to the ate lon to see me off, so I'll heve a cer fu11 . . .And/I wondered if you'd mind giving Frank Remley a lift to the station . JACK: ~~, Of course, I'll be glad to, ..(, Whex~e shall I pick him up? BA RTSl01 0184?71 BOB : Under the arms ike ~~ways do . JACK : Oh, yes, yea~/ you at the atation . .0oodbye, BOB : So long. . (SOUND : RECEIVER DCWN) . . B OB : . Well, JunA .J-that takes care o£ Rem]ey . Jack ' s gonne take him to the station . .~HINIEII : O~h, .is, Frank.iye.~g,o,,ing or~ the same train.~,3, with .yfowu.?.- ~Cr BO~:wV~ ke hey e'bomP•a~rtwmaun•t.J=~; . 'kn. .cw / 8Y. Z! ~ SHIE2ITY : compertment/-- why ehould YrOa~ have such nice eocomodations when everyone: else has en upper berth? B OB :'V/A Jue ~(.you need extra room when you ' re hsndouffed to a deputy a riff : For e,,~~yplayer. - SHIIt1EY he can get int.o...m~ore .trouble .- . BOB: Yeah/. ~Bid you pack my shirts aM )tYae? - : SiIRIEY: Yee, .everything's ready . . . : Say, I better takealong.some . BOB extra money : Money? Donft you get an expense account while. - SHINIEY you travel vith the show4 BOB : Well, yes . . .Jaek, gives us each five dollars a day . SBIRLEY : Five dollars a day!That'll hardly pay for your hotel ,,~~ room. W t .ebcut food? BOB :/V~Jack hes'~~~•a~ll" figured out . . .One day I yewat aone day I s]sep. . .Now I better get my heavy coa8/. .St's oo].d back East ~,~ .f.By the wey,~didn~t7w~• ~ BBIBIEY?eut it by your luggage I hear some talk that President Eisenhower is going to appear on Jack's radio ehow next week? . BA prx 01 01 e 4 ; ;2 , BOB : That's right . . .Jack is .dedicsting en entire program to ~~the Red Oross : .'_ /- SNIItIEY(KGee, it's niae. p~"of ~,f~" to do that . BOB : It's no morery Yt~J~fair . . .look at all the bl-wo+o~d,~t'heV'y''ve . given him . . .MJ~, I mustn!t forget to take y ~ music to New York . : W~ music is that? . ffii1RIEY BOB : ~it's a new nu aber/ I~V've'been rehearsing. I think I'll r.Y over once e/R . (APPL9T1ffii) (BOB CROSBY'S 80NG) ( 'WRA P YOUR TROiBIE3 IN DREAMS") (APPLAUSE) ' BA ti RTYl 0 1 01 H4773 (SECOND ROUTINE) JACK : Well, I guess we've got almost everything packed, eh, Rochester? ROCH : YES SIR . . . HOW MANY SANDWICHFJ DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE UP FOR THE TRAIN : None . JACK : yONE?. ROCH JACK : No, this trip I'm going to eat all my meals in the diner . ROCH : WELL, I BETTER TAKE MY CAMERA, ALL THE PAPERS WILL WANT PICTURES OF THIS . JACK : Look, don't be so funny . . Now you put my luggage in the car and make sure all the doors and windows are shut . Oh . .I've got to go down to my vault and get aome money , for the trip . .Don, will you pick up Franlde Remley . DON : Sure, , Ja c~. . ~3ee you on the train JACKI~i g c, oe s er . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS . .IESCENDING FOOTSTEPS . . .GE7TING HOi.IAW . . .STOP) JACK: Now to cross the bridge over the moat . . . ` (SOUDID : FOOTSTEPS . .FOOTSTEPSON WOODEN BRII7GE . . - SPLASHING NOISE4 . .FOOTSTEPS STOP . . .MORE SPLASHES) ~ . BH prx 0 1 0 1 13 4 77 4 -8- JACK : JACK Gosh, look at that A1ligator . . .so strong and powerful . . . . ~.o . . . ti, .Q_. &W he's been very valuable to maq . .Three wallets,ja belt and he ' s still as healthy as ever . . .I hope he forgets by next Christmas . . .~~jtting wise to me when I come in here with a piece of ineat in one hand and a can of ether in the other . . . . Rpn&W, boy, see you later . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .RATTLING OF CHAINS . . .IRON HANDLE TURNS, IRON DOOR CREAKS OPEN . . .FEW MORE FOOTSTEPS . .HFAVIER CHAINS . . .IRON HANDLE TURNS, IRON DOOR CREAKS OPEN . . .TWO MORE - FOOTSTEPS) KF2ANS : Halt, vho goes there, friend or-foe4 JACK : Friend . . Iff.ARN.'> : What's the password JACK : (SINGS) Luckies taste better Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike KEAHNS : Oh, it's you, Mr . Henny : Yes, Ed . . .Nice seeing you.JACK again . . . . . outside? KEARNS : Thank you How are things on the LS T stiil sLmmer7 JACK : No no, Ed . . .it's February . KEARNS : Oh yes . . .that follows September . JACK : No,)d. . .February follows January . KENNNS : January? JACK : Yes . KEAHNS :Tbst's a new one on me . BH Rrrt 01 01 e 47 , 5 JACK : Well, anyway, it's February . . How have you been, Ed1 Oh, fine . . -,Ry;-fdz`nny . .I bate to complain _bnb , St's awfully cold down here . Oh . I'm awfully sorry, Ed~ next tllnn I come down I'11 bring a stov Well, if ell the same to you I'd rather have c1o Oha.well, I'il send eome down . . .Now I4M got to open the safe and get some money . KEARNS : Shall I lie down so you can give me the ether again? JACK : No no, Ed . . .you can watch this time . .Now let me see . . . The combination is . .Right to Forty-five . . .(LIGHT TURNING SOUND)_ . .Left to Sixty . .(LIGtt'i' TNRNING SO9fm) . . .Back to Fifteen . .(ISGHTTURNING SOUND) . . Then Left to One-Ten . . . (LIGHT TURNING SOUND) . . .There . (SOUND : HANDLE TURNS . .DOOR OPENS AND WE HBAR USUAL VADIA' AIARM WITH STEAM WHISTLES, B6CSS, GONGS, HORNS, ETC . . .ENDING WITH B .O . WHISTLE ) JACK : There we are . . .now 1et's see how much money I need . . . There, this ought to be enovgh . . .Gosh . .look at that big pile of money way In the back of the safe . . . .Boy, if the South had won, I'd be a millionaire . . .We11, I better close the safe . . (SOUND : SAFE DOOR CLOSES) KBARNS : Mr . Benny, you sure took/a lot of mpney AM this time . JACK : Yes, Ed . . besides going on a trip ;Jon March fifteenth I have to send my income tax to the government . ~ BH HTx 01 0 1e 4177 e -10- KEARNS : A11 the way to Mexico City, eh? n..o JACK : No no,j,Ed . California is a State now . .well, so long, Ed . KEARNS : Goodbye, Mr . Benny . (9iwimi) JA91F :- . . . . (TRANSITION MUSIC TO STATION) (SOUND : JACK'S CAR COMINO TO STOP . . .DOOR OPENS) JACK .;1;%rq Here's the station, Rochester . .you park the car and take care of the baggage . . .I'll go on in . ROCH : YES, SIR . JACK : And don't be late . . .the Superchief leaves in about fifteen minutes . - ROCH : IWE GOT TO GO TO THAT DRUC5TORE AND GET MYSELF A FEW THINGS . JACK : What do you have to get? . ROCH : SOME TOOTHPASTE, VITAMIN PILLS, AND SHAMP00 . JACK : Wait a minute, Rochester . .Isn't that a Rexail Drug Store? ROCH : srag-WHY? JACK : Well, they're ha.v~.i~~n,g, ~a one cent sale, here's three cents get me the same .~: .2'i1 see you in the statlom J (SOU[m : DOOR OPENS . . . STATION NOISES UP AND DOWN) MEL : (P .A .) TRAIN NOW I.EAVING ON TRACK FIVE FOR ANAHEIM, AZUSA, AND CUC . . . . AMONGA . (APPIANSE) (SOUND : STATION NOISES ~UfP .fAND DOWN) -7-~-- `^ /S '4 . /~'l RT7{ 0 1 01847 7 7 Bi, Jack . Oh, hello, Bob . . .Well, ve'll be on our way pretty soon . Yep . m9af7mz=fP e-f 4 JACK : ~ti, IUp "got to go over to the win~dow . . .I forgot to buy a ticket for my prodvicer, nY,•-w !+~ • (SOUND : STATION NOISE9 . . .TRAINS CHUGGING INTO STATION) MEL : (P,A .) TRAIN NOW ARRIVING ON TRACK FOUR FROM SAN FRANCISCO . .TRAIN NOW ARRIVING ON TRACK SIX FROM SAN DIEC,O . . .ENGINE NOW ARRIVING ON TRACK THItEE FROM IA .S VEGAS, . .BOY, DID TAAT CONDUCTOR EAVE BAD LUCK . (SOUIm : STATION NOISES UP AND DOWN) DON : ak Hello, Jack, JACK : Oh, hello, Don f .Where are the Sportsmen? DON : 91Y.T4re .hight over there . . They'll be with us in a minute . They're saying goodbye to a couple friends of theirs ~who7,juet got married . JACK : 'vW[far~7 DON : Right-over there . JACK : Oh, yes . .y Bli arx 01 0 1 e 4PP a -12- QUART : CH CH F00, OH CH F00 ' 4 ,1~74-r I CH00 CH00 TRAIN, CHUG CHUGGIN' AT THE STATION . CH00 CH00 TRAIN, CONLOCSOR PULL THE CORD CH00 CHOO TRAIN XOU RCIOW OUR DESTINATION CH CH F00, j. ALLAB~Oo-AARD . CHDO CH00 TRAIN, CHUG CHUGGINI OUT BY TIMMINY . ENGINEER T00T TOOT YOUR TOOT A TOOT SMOICESC SMOKE^~PUFF PUFFIN' UP THE CHTMNEY Q~'. ~C}~I',,F00, WE'RE' FTVROUT~ tiu" ntuic~-JT/,w~_~, ~Jd-vZ 7..iLw..A+..o 79 5 As -hHc1}+58~ 5 i PORTER TELL YOU WHAT HF.FiE' S A QUARTFR~ 5 00 RTER Lm CH00 CHOsTR~ .A-~-Si'2~ j, Cl100~lV~i . T GUR .LTo ..(,/E ....w-~ S ` CHOO CH00 TRAIN M- }L a P'.90 ~H DH'O~THu^ ~ ~C EXPRESS . GCR00 CHOO T:~C.RAIN f FROM CRY • CR00 CH00 TRAIN Ml~ THAT'S WHERE IT I Sj FROM r2 _ CH00 CH00 TRAIN a LOADED UP WITH LUCffiES CH CH F00, CH CH F00 WATCH IT C0ME CH00 CH00 TRAIN PLEA$E HCRRY TIME'S A WASTIN' CLEAR THE TRACK FOR SOMEPHING WE ALL LIKE CARTONS OFSo M.~OpII.E .~ THAT'S BETTER TASTIN'CR CH F00,J UJCrI{Y$TRIftE . (MORE) BR HTY{01 0184779 -73- QUARP : TfIl';RE ARE NO LOOSE ENDS IN IUCKIEEl TO ANIVOY (CONT'D) THEY WILL PLEASE YOUR FRIE[QDS EACH COLLEGE GIRL AND BOY FRESH AND SM00TF E 6, TOO IT'S IACKIES YOU'LL ENJOY - CLEANER THROUGH AND THROUGH FIRST YOU TEAR 'EM, THEY COMPARE 'BM q CHOO CH00 TRAIN, TT ' S PULLING IN THE STATION CH00 CHOO TRAIN UNLOADING HAPPPNESS CHOO CH00 TRAIIv* Hh9 REACH® ITS DE4TINATION OH OH F00, CH CH F00 CH CH F00~ C~4 RIDE THE HAPPY GO LUCRY STRIKE F.lTRHBS . (APPLAUSE) BR ATY{ 0 1 0 1 0 47 80 -14- .(THIRDOROU¢'INE), . JACK:d vJ `~ Ii Don, I'll see you on the train . . 2 jW got to go over b to the ticket window : Okay, Jack . . DON (SOUND : STATION NOISE4 UP AND DOWN) MEL: (P .A .) ATfENTION, PLESSE . . .ATTENTION . . .THE TRAIN STANDING ON TRACK NINE WILL NOT LEAVE THE STATION, . .THE ENGINEER REF'09FS TO TRAVEL FOA A IAUSEY FIVE DOLIARS A DAY . (50UND : FOOTSTEPS) JACK: Now let's see . . .oh, that's the ticket window over there . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS STOP) HEARN : H'ye, Rube . (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS STOP) . . JACK : Huh? . . . Oh, it's my friend from Calebasae . .What are you . doing here in Los Angeles? - . HE4RN : Rubbin' my eyes, same as everybody else . JACK: Oh, that's -- , HEARN : For a city that don'dtg~row nuthin', you sure got a lotta smudgin' goin' JACK : Yes yes . .Where are you going? HEARN : No place . .I just errived from Calabesas . JACK : Oh . . .How are things out there? HEARN : Pretty good . . .Been making speeches all month . JACK : Speeches': HEARN : Yup . I ran for mayor . The election was yesterday . JACK : Mayor of Calabasas? How did you make out? . arx 01 0 1 e 47181 -15- HEARN : I don't know . . we're still waitin' for the rural vote to come in . JACK : Oh, of course, the rural vote . Well, tell me, did you put on a good campaign? HEhRN : Oh yes .wl~ent around to each farmer individually and aske9 him what his biggest problem wes . JACK : I see . And what ~s the farmer's biggest prublem? HE4RN : Traveling salesmen : Oh . Well, Secretary. JACK Benson will certainly be glad to thet, ~ HEERN : We better get goln' . . . Have to round y}5r1my wife . JACK : Oh, your w 's with you? HEARN : Yep, ahe's on a in' spree . jd6ery time she comes to the city, she goes hog a JACK: No kidding. HEARN : Last year ehe bo a hundred and ty hogs . .Hee bee hee . . He Spade Cooley pull that one . . . oughta catch et boy. Now there's a comedisn . TA(`u .__. _ S'=a_~peab HRr1RN : Well, so long, Rube . JACK : So long . -~ (SOUND: FOOTSTEPB) AaFP. . . Well, I better go get that ticket . (SOUND : STATION NOISFS UP AND DOWN) DH A rx 01 01 e 47 e 2 A -16- f ». MEL: (P .A .) ATTENTION, PLEASE, ALL NEWSPAPER MEN AND REPORPERS . . . . ATTENTION ., .NOW ARRIVING FROM FLORIDA, BARBARA HUTTON AND PORFIRO RUBIROSA . . . . THEY ARE ARRIVING ON TRAINS MARKED HIS AND IEZ2S . - - (SOUPID : STATION NOISFS UP AND -DOWN) A~ JACK : -'M .this must be the windowa.~.K.Thet man it thaNft the ticket agent . . .Oh, Mister . . .Miater.. . . NEISON : YESSSSSS . / JACK:/ Are you the ticket agent? NEISON : No, I'm a groundhog, I came out, saw my shadow and ran back in here . i JACK : 7` w" !, I'd like to buy atioket to New York . NELSONry~/ ~!'~ can only Bell you a :ticket to San Francisco . . . I just sold the man ahead of you a ticket to New York :`~~ .What's that got to do with it . . you can sell. JAOK me a ticket to New York, can't you? - NELSON : I can, but I won't . JACK : Why not? NELSON : I like to keep my stacks even . JACK : Well, that's the silliest thing VjWW -- HY: Excuse me, sir . JACK : Huh? HY : I'm in a terrible hurry . . .would you mind if Igo ahead of you? _ n JACK : We11 . . .no, I,g DH arx 01 0 194? e 3 -17- HY: I'd like to buy a ticket to Constantinople . NELSON : Oh, I'm awfully sorry, but you can't buy a ticket to Constantinople . HY: Why not? NEL90N : Well, you see . . . . (IN RHYTAM) Istanbul was Constantinople Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinopl3 . JACK : Look ° HY : But I've got to meet my girl in Constantinople . NELSON : Every gal in Constantinople Lives in Istanbul not Constantinople . Sq if you've a date in Constantinople, - She'l1 be waiting in Istanbul . JACK: Look, Mister -- AY : '4", That' a confusing. NEL40N :rylLd on't know why . . . Even old New York was once New Amsterdam . JACK :ff'Why did they change it? HY : I can't say . NELSON : People just liked it better that way . HY: But I wanna go back to Constantinople . NEISON : But you can't go back to Constantinople Now it's Istanbul not Constantinople JACK : Gee . .why did Constantinople get the works? NELSON : (MAP) That's nobody's business but the Turks . JACK : Oh . DH R rx o 1 01847R4 -18- NEiSON : Here's your ticket to Istanbul . _ HY: AThank you end Goodbyyyyyeeeeeiiiiieeeyyyeee . (TURKISH CHANT) JACK : I don't know why I always have to get into these kind of spots . (SOUND : STATION NOISE9 UP AND DOWN) MEL: (P .A .) TRAIN NOW ARRIVING ON TRACK NINE WITH SEUENTY-F1VE, CARIAAL6 OF FIARIDA ORANGffi . (SOUND: FIVE OR SIX GUN S}IDTS) MEL: (P .A .) TRAIN NOW DEPARTING ON TRACK NINE WITH SEVENTY-FIVE CARIAALB OF FIARIDA ORANGFS . JACK: Now look, Clerk, you better sell me a ticket to New York or I'll report you : Oh,all right . . . .Is. NEL40N the ticket for you? . JACK: No, it's for my producer : Very well, do you want this. NEL50N ticket on the El Capitan or the Superchief? . JACK : Well, let's see . . .I'm on the Superchief . . .and the fare on that is a hundred and Yorty-three dollars . NELSON : That's right, and if he goes on the El Capitan it) jMll be a hundred snd seventy-five dollars . JACK: Nov just a minute . . .I happen to know that the Superchief is more expensive than the E1 Caplten . NEI$ON : Not when you're on it . JACK: NOW CUT THAT OUT : STATION. (SOUND NOISES UP) DH RT 8 07 0184?8 5 -19- MEL: (P .A .) ATTENTION, PLFASE . . .THE SUPERCHIEF IS NOW DEPARTING . ~~y~ (SOUND: TRAIN LEAVING WITH BELLS, EIC .) IAN :;/ JACK, HURRY . . .HURRY . . . . JACK: COM7NG, DON, COMING . (SOUND : RUNNING FOOTSTEPS . . .JUMPING ON MJVING TRAIN . . . BOUND OF TRAIN GOING SUSTAIN IN B .G . TO FINIS3) JACK : Wheww . . .I just made it . RUBIN : (PUFFING)Pou sure did . JACK : You know; Mister . . .it's nice being on the Super Chief, isn't it? RUBIN : Yeah, but I hate to think what's gonna happen in a few minutes . , JACK : Why? . RUBIN : I'm handcuffed to e"WOMn player who got on the El Capitan . JACK : Well, how do you like that . (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF) . L Hrx 01 0 1 8 4i66 7 CLOSING COhA'BRCIAL -C- FIDRUAR WIISON : Jack will be back in just a minute . But first, let's (LIVE) meet America's prettiest professional golfer . Here she is --- Miss Alice Bauer . ALICE BAUER : You know something, I like to play golf . I've played (TRANS .) golf for so many years . I've played amateur golf at first and now I'm playing professional golf . And I do like professional golf much better it, I don't know, has more competition in it and you really have to play a much better game of golf . I guess that's all a matter of taste though, and after a harid day out on the golf course and really hard competition, I like to come in and sit down and relax and light up a Lucky . I guess that's a matter of taste too, but to me Luckies taste better . ~E, : Thenks, Alice Bauer . Friends, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is -- Luckies taste better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . First, because Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . And second, because Luckies are made to taste better . So, Be Happy -- Go Lucky . Ask for a carton of Lucky Strike . COIJ,INS : Luckies taste Better . CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother . Lucky Striket Lucky StrikeL e DH I AT}!01 0184'8 7 (TAG) . _z0_ (SOUND : TRAIN GOING) JACK : Well, Rochester, we're on our way to New York . . ROCH : YEAH. . .YOU' VE GOT A PRII'TY BUSY SCHEDULE WFN1`I WE GET THKFN, HAVESQ'T YOU? JACK; That's righ~tw~.y I'm not only doing two radio show but .~I'm also doing aftelevision program . eY1i-~ien~I also ha~to play a big benefit : A BENEFIT? WHO FOR,. ROCH BOSS? JACK : My cast, some of them wopld like to eat a= sleep . . . . . Goodnight, folks (APPLAUSE) DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Laoky Strike product of the American Tobacco Company . . . America's leading-- manufacturerr of cigarettes . L BR ATXO1 U1B4'NB PRoaRarl #25 r ~ 4 ~ : (REYISED SCRIFP) TF E AMF:RICAN TORACCO CQMNY TITICKY STRIKE 4TF~' .TA .K RENNY PR(Xi AM St . FF,B$[iARY )R 1954 C-BS 7e00 - 7c'30 PM EST (TRANSCRIBED FEBRUARY 20, 195'1) (NEW YORK CI17) JAN R1'XU1 01N47B9 -A- ~~$ICAN TOBACOQ-~tiY 'I THF JACK RFNtdV„MLRAM #7K" 'J :00 to 7 :30 PM EST £EBRUARY 2FL._ig,5g_ SUNDAY O jNIN': WMPIIMjAI _ WILSON: TEtE JACK BENNY PRCGRAM. ., . Transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike : . COLLINS : Luckiee Taste Better ; Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother:CNORIIS : COLLINS ; Luckiee Taete Better : CNORUS : Cleaner, EYeeher, Smoother For Lucky Strike mea .ns-fine tobacco Rioher-tasting fine tobaooo COLLINS : Luckies taste hettert CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother : Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike ; WILSON: This is Don Wilson, friends. Let t e take a good olose look at the subject of why you emoke oigarettes. Think it over a minute and you t ll agree that the main reason and probably the only reason you smoke is simply that you enjoy it -- you like the tAe+A of a cigarette . Sure - smoking enjoyment is all a mutter of e+e . And the fact of the matter is Luokies taste better . -more- rae HTX 0 1 018 4 790 -B- THE JACK BENNY PROGRA M FEBRUARY 28, 195 4 Qp~li~ COhV1'L (0~ WILSON(OTD) Luokies taste better -- Cleaner, Freeher, Smoother for two very important reasons . One is, LS/MFT. . . Lucky Strike MeAn`Yi ne tobaooo . The tobaoc o . in LuokDee is fine, naturally mild, good-taeting is Another reason for this bettertaete that Luckiee are aatuaily^de better -- made roun d and firm and fully packed to draw fyeely and emoke evenly. Fine tobacoo in alietter msde oiga.T.ette gives you better taste every single time . So if you go along with me that smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste, then Be Happy -- Go Lucky .t, because the fact of the matter SeLuokiea taste better. Get a carton of Lucky Strike and see for yourself . SPORTSI' E N pUARTET: Be Happy -- Go Lucky (LON3 CLOSE ) Get Better Taste Today ; rae ATH01 0184791 e, .I_ (FIRST ROUTINE) . . (AFTER COh9`SERCIAL, MUSIC UP-AND DC41N) DON: FROM NEW YORK CITY, THE LU01{Y STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRIN3.JACK BENNY . . .WITH MARY LIVIN3STONE, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, Tf E OHORDETTES, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPLAUSE. . . MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS BROADCAST IS (lOMIN3 TO . YOU FROM NEW YORK CIT'Y WHIItE TONIGHT JACK $ENNY WILL ALSO DO HIS TELEVISION . SHOW. . .WITH HIS SPECIAL GUE$T, J'tISS HELEN HAYES .f~S.R~ZiGHT NOW WE ARE DOING A RADIO .SHOW FROM THE LINCOLN SQUARE THEATER., . WE CAN'T BRIN3 YOU LINCOLN, BUT HERE'S.A REAL SQUARE . . . JACK BENNY. ` (APPLAUSE) JACK: Thank you, thank you, thank you, . .Hello again, thie is Jack Benny talkipg. . .And Don, that was such a wonderful introduction you gave me . It's a shame it'e your last one . DON : What do you mean, my laat one? JACK: Well, Don, this show is transoribed. . . and the program and you will be released at the sar+e time . . .and now, I -- ras RTX 0 1 0184792 -z- DGN: Now wait a minute . Jack, do you meayy6u l re going to fire me? ~ JACK: Oh no, Don, I'm not firing I'm juet stopping ase . DCN : But, Jack -- JACK: Look, Don, I'm only kidding. It's just that I wanted a more dignified introduction because the program tonight is dedicated to the opening of the 1954 Red Cross Cempaign., .and a little later in the show President Eisenhower will speak to us from Washington, DON : O 4 . Say, Jack, did you read that last lubweek President Eisenhower played golf-at the c you belong to in Palm Springs -- Tamariek4 JAOK: Yes, Don, .,and what a thrill I got when I read that . . . Just imvgine.,,the President of the United States driving off from the same tee that I drove off . . . Putting on the same green that I putted on . . .Tipping the same caddy that called me a oheapskate . . . what a thrill . DON : You know, Jack, when the President plays golf, he's accompanied by twenty secret service men . JACK: Twenty secret service men? Gosh, I!ll bet he never loses a ba11 . . .You know, F.B.I . means ' "Find Ball Inetantly" . -more- pT}S01 0184793 -3- JACK: (CTC) . . . But any,vay, Don, it's exciting being here in New York.again, isn't it? _ DCN: :Z/-,It certainly is, Jack . . .and have you noticed all the oharg eesinoe we were here last? JACK: You bet I have, Don. They've painted the sub• treasury building . . . Brinks has four new truoks . ., and there's a brand new carpet in the Chase National Bank . DCN e ciV-eT. so ]ige a new mayor . Rea11y4 es, Jack, Robert Wagner is the ne yor . Ro t Wagner? Well, isn't t emazing. . . . Just a few e t years ago he to New York to be on Strike t Rich , all, Don, we've got a show to do so let's on with it . DCN: Jack, befor e get tarted, there'a something I wanted aek you . JACKt is it? DON : ell, I was juet wondering i`& you'd give me an advance on my next week's expen e nroney . JACK ; An advanoe't Don, you mean you'v already spent your allowanoe for this week? ras A1'}( 0 1 0 1 8 4r94 _4,. DON: That'e right. - JACK : Well, Brother, you must really be living . DON : Oh no, I've been very careful and I can prove it. ' Ivve got all my expenses itemized right herelq~ t 's list . /' JACK : Let eee ~hat. . . Four breakfaets at 'dollar each . . . ur dollare . . .four lunchee t two dollars eaoh. . .ei t dollars. . .Four di ars at four dollare eaoh . .eixteen dol re . . ;total for twelve meale, twenty- B1Ft do re . . . Don, this is ridiculous . DON : What's wrong wi endingtwenty-eight dollars for twelve 87 . . .LO .ct.V what's ie item here . . .\Fifteen dollars . DOH: 4ha s for my hotel room . JACK : 1, I oan't allow it. DON: What7_ JAOK: !1 Look, Don, I'm not payinly you .,for a hotel room when you've been living in a r`eetaurant . . . You 1 oughta.gn on that uroPr®m oall ~d "What'e My Waist "7 . . . Ariyway, Don, I'll~vert (SODND ; PHONE RINGS) rae R1-K01 0'184795 6 -4 A- JACK: Excuse me, Don. (SOUND : RECEIVER UP) JACK: . Hello . ROCH: HELLO, MR. BENPit, THIS IS ROCHESTER . (APPLAUSE) JACK: Rocheeter, where are you? ROOH : I'M BACK STAGE AT TfiE?'ELEVISION STUDIO . JACK: Oh . How's evetything goi n&? ROCH: FINE, FINE . . . IIVE BEEN WATOHIN3 MISS HAYEnX vO^NTHE SET. i JACK: Oh Helen Hayes . I'm sure lucky to get her as a guest etar . . . . She'e some actress, isn't she . Rochester? ROCH: YEAH. . .AND BOSS, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER THIS AFPERNOON. IN OAIE MINUTE, SHE WENT FROM A I`AOD OF CAREFREE, LIGHT-kD';ARTED GAIETY TO THE PENT-UP EMOTIONS 0F AhGER, FRUSTRATION, AND DESPAIR . JACK: Gea; What scerie was that? ras 19 T?l01 0 1 8 4 7 96 -5- ROCH : NO SCENE, BHE WAS READING ~"W CONTRACT. J~Z SACS JACK: Hmn. Well, Rochester, she's probably nervous . . Everybody gets excited before a live television show, ROCH : ON THE .CONTRARY, BOSS . EVER1fONE'S PE@Y CALM HERE, YCUR PRODUCER IS ~TAKLNG A NAP, THE DIRECTOR IS READING A MAGAZINE,pJTHE-•WRITERS ARE PLAYING CARDS . .IN FACT, WE'VE HAD ONLY ONE ATTACK CF NERVES ALL AFTERNOON . JACK : Really? Ylho had it? . ROCH ; YOUR MAKE-UP MAN . JACK;Iqy mske-up san7 But . Rochester, this make-up rcan in New York has never worked on me before„he's never even seen me„ Did you describe me to him? Did you tell him that I'm only thirty-nine years old? ROCH : UH HUH.,,I EVEN VENT FURTHEH THAN THAT . I TOLD HIM YOU HAD SKIN LIID; A PEACH JACK: . .what did he say?. Good, good ROCH: HE ASKED ME IF I'D EVER SEEN THE SKIN ON A THIR'IR-NZNE YEAR OLD PEACH . J ell, I don't need him, Roohester, I can vake myself up . ROCH : YES, SIR . JACK: I'll ou at the show. .And ester, remember to laugh hard at all ee bepause I've got lots of friends in New York, jn Arx 01 0 1 e 4P9? -6- ROCP. : YOU'LL HEAR ME, BOSS. . .I'LL BE SITTING IN ROW "H", SEAT TWENTY- . JACK ; Row H, ,se df~, Roche you can't sit there . That's right in front of the camera . . Y tll rY 'ght, all right . I'll talk to you later, . Goodbye . ROCH : GOODBYE . .OH SAY, BOSS. JACK: Now what? . ROCH: I WAS JUST WONDERING IF I COULD HAVE T0110RR0W CFF . JACK: Tomorrow? But, Rooheeter, just last week you had three days off . ROCH : OH, BOSS, YOU'RE NOT GONNA COUNT THEM, ARE YW4 JACK: Why not? ROCH: WE WERE ON THE TRAIN . JACK: Well, you had nothirg to do . ROCH : NOTHING: E4ERY TIME WE CAME TO A STOP, YOU THREW A WY.ITE COAT ON MY BACK, SHOVED A WHISK BROOM IN MY HAND AND WE SPLIT THE TIPS . JACK: All right, you can have tomorrow off. . .I'11 see you 3ater. Goodbye. ROCH: G0000000000BYE . . (SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN) (APPLAUSE) JN R 1- ti01 0984?46 . ~~ DON: ~a e . t t Rooheeter JACK: Yae.. - MM over at the/television studio watohix g ' rehearsal : ~, Jack, how . DON did you manege to get a/ wonder ful actress like Helen Hayes to appear on your television a show? JACK: Well, Don, I heard that she was very anxious to appear on an outstanding comedy program, so I went up to her apartment and asked her to be on my show and she accepted immediately, DCN: Well, thaVe amazing . JACK: MM, I will admit 1j ueed a little trick . DON: What did you do? JACK: I had my leg in a cast, she thought I was Jackie Gleason. . .You know, Don ; sometimes you have to be very clever about how you --- (SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK: See who that is, will you, .Don? DON: Sure, Jack . (SOUND : FEW FOOTSTEPS ., .DOOR OPENS) MEL : (1^dlOhEY) Can we speak to P r ,Henny? DON: Say Jaok .it's a fellow and four girls . They want to talk to you. rae AT 9 01 0184799 -8- JACK : To me? MEL: Yeah. . . Mr . Benny, my name is Rogers N . Hamm rstain. JACK: Rogers and Hamneretein? MEL: No, Rogers y . Harcunerstein, the "N" stands for Nathan . a JACK : Oh . . . When you told me who you were, I was amazed . You know, you have a very fazrous name. MN:L: I know. . . dathan sells hot dogs in Coney Island. JACK:° Ch, well look,Mr .Hattrneretein -- VE L : Juet oall me Nate . - JACK: , Well, what can I do for you, Nate? MEL : Well,myeelf and these four girls here are msmbers of the Jack Benny Fan Club. I ' m the President. JACK: Well/." how long have you people been my fans? " °- MEL : Mr . Benny, we realised you a.rrour kind of guy when we first saw you at the Palaoe Theater . JACK: Gosh, when was that? MEL: Yesterday evening when you v~ arguing with the cashier about ohanging the prices . . JACKa Oh, were you there? MEL: All the time till the oops broke it up . rae ATY{U1 0 184 8 0 0 -SA- JAOK: Well, look . . . ita .a very nice of you to come over, but right now I'm doing a radio ehow. MELp'~ , That's why we oame over. . . the girls want to welcome you to New York. JACK: Welcome me? PEL: Yeah . ., take it, girle . rae HTY{ 0 1 0194801 QUART: HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, BEAUTIFUL HOW!D YOU GET SO BEAUTIFUL . WFIERE'D YOU GET THOSE LOVELY BIG BLUE EYES, WHERE'D YOU GET 'EM, WHERE'D YOU GET 'EM . YOU'RE OUR LOVER BOY WHAT A HANDSOIT; COVER BOY. HOW DO YOU STAY YOUNG, PLEASE .PUT US WISE . WF1EN YOU SMILE AT US WE GET ECSTATIC BUT YOUR FIDDLE SHOULD STAY IN THE ATTIC OH, HELLO, BEAUTIFUL ' YOU ARE OH, SO OUTIFUL ~~ YOU ARE TfE ONE WE IDOLIZE, LIZE, LIZE . HELLO, LUCKY 3TRI KE HOW ABOUT A LUCKY STRIKE LIGHT~ LUCK~Y~.,./~PUFF ON IT AWHILE, PUFF PUFF . L 5 M F'T. /'fAIU+, A TIk' FROM MI3TER "B" . LIGHT A LUCItY, SMOKE IT WITH A SMILE, WITH A SMILE, WITH A SMILE, WITii A SMILE . ~. LUCKY STRIEE~ MADE OF FINE TOBACCO, 41L. BETTER TASTIhG, YES SIR, IT'S A FACT . . .SO .,, GO BUY 'FJ`1 HIGHT AWAY AS YOU PUFF 'EM, YOU WILL SAY THIS IS THE CIGARETTE FOR ME YOU'LL M, BE HAPPY GO LUCKY STRIBE ~` LUCICY STRIKE, LUCKY STRIKE, BOIN3. (APPLAUSE) ATX01 0 184B0 2 10 (SECOND ROUTINE) JACK: %^'- That was very good, girls~r .and' ' Mr . Hanmerstein. PEL: Just oall me Nate . s~~ JACK: Well, Nate . . .I dar.nt you to knowlI appreciate~~ ~ 4 C "'LC.. X.~`vT' 1 : ry/ ~ - 'O'~S"~i( UrIDi ICJOCK ON DOOR) a JACK: Excuse me. . . COt"~E IN . - /~• (SOUNDt DOOR OPENS ) JESSEL: .iidte, Jack . JACKt Well, Georgie Jeesel : (APPLAUSE) JACK: Geo .u. .eya,+atl .,.~c•Yo .-do7~~~~ ~ ~JESSE~~ / '+! ~f, 4 med of myeelf . You were good e oug h, ~~ dl - F.rA-v,, .. ..., s,..~ to M.C . the teetimonial dinner ave Yae the ---~ °..'4,-Z1: other night. . .and I didnPt even get a chanoe you . JACK: That°s e.11 right , you°were busy . JESSEL: Well, I didn't feel right about it, eo I thought I'd oome over end say, "Hollo ." JACK: Well, thanks, Georgia, that's nice of you . JESSLL: And as long as I Im here. .(1IEGINNING TO ORA"E) I'D~b LIKE TO MAIfl': THIS AN OCCASION FOR WELCOMING YOU TO BW GREAT, Th'RI VING METROPOLIS . JACK: Georgie, no speechee. Ta-ok . . AND LADIES AND GENTIEIMEN, RARELY MY E$PERIENCE HAS IT I£~EN MY PRIPIIE GEXO ABUNDANX-MOSE C HT}l 0 1 0184803 -11- JACK ; Georgi~e, put down that n~sttecr~~. .FAITd, JESSEL : ~ Juetea fU► fast notee.yGY~E3,•, MY GOOD PEOPLE .. HOPE, AND CHARITY, Wi1H0UT WHICH WE WOULD ALL BE STRIOING WITAWT POINT OR PURPOSE . ~ JACK: Georgitt, I'm doing a program. JESSEL: AND !, ON BEHALF OF THE EIGHT MILLION RESIDENTS OF a THIS CONUtUNITY, I WELCOME YOU, JACK BENNY, TO THE CITY OF NEW YORK. JACK: Is that all ? JESSEL : No, I'd like a glass of water . . JACK: I've never seen such a gsq.,When other people meet, they ehake hands, he deiivere an address . JESSEL: I!m eorry, Jack. JACK: That's all ri E~i t . 4% A the way, Georgie, this I s my announcer, Don Wilson . ev-~ .~ . . . , an JESSEL : i~ee . .You , Don, I've seen you at/rrany of the dinners vY m I've been the toaetrcaeter. DON: ~' 4i You have ? JESSEL : Yesr,' and if you'd - look up from your plate once in a while, you'd see mg -7- JACK:-e wo you were ri yn Monro .But tell m'e again4 JESSELs Wonderful,~n 'ea great city . , ATiSO 1 018 4 804 -12- JACIC: Y .and Georgie, have you noticed all )he changes this pas ear? JESSEL : Changes? . . .Wel , let'e eee. .The Ro ettes have two naw chorus girle. .t can-can d cer at the Copa is now a brunette. . .and th e'e brand new carpet in Roeeland . JACB: Georgie,~I'm aeham f you. You're always noticing the e thinge . I'1 bet you didn't even know there'"s a new msyor here, JESSEL : No kidding, .what'e her nameY jn RTH01 01 8 4 8 05 13 JffiW- ~e. ~~ DON : Say, George, I hear Jack rrrecie a very good M .C . at -ihut dinner the Friars gave you . JFSSKL: Don, Jack was just wonderful. 40* ~e said eo-nseg, meny nice things about me : He didY~ . . DON JESSEL: Yess speeoh was eoabeautifu .l aaF he paid me such flowing compliments MfwEl eat there thinking, °Either ' M lying or I°:n dead.° JACK: 3iw Georgie, I could have paid you a lot more ,,,...,7. .»,..- . . . ~ compliment~ .In. feat, .I had so much material left over that I'd plsnned to do a sketch tonight based on your life . JESSEL ; Oh, no . This is your ehow. .and the~ iare have alreedy' ti~ honored me, so letts do a sketo "11 ?vB written r vour ~ life . JACK: Hat I'd rather do your life . ~~'rww_ .Q JESSEL : imokfWia#, this is a half-hour program,/ the way I ' ve ~.,.., lived, youed never get 5i't in .~i~-^t JACK: Well, if that's the way you feel . . .go ahead, let's hear ., ~~w ~. ~ ~o- r ,U.i.y e j~.i,,t . 4. 7 JESSEL,""""") ukay. . .LADIES AND GENTLEMENT . . .^THE JACK IENNY STORY" . . . OR "YOU CAN'T, TAU IT WITH YOU IECAUSE HE OWdS IT" . . . CUR'fAIN, : .NQJSIC . . . (BAND GIVES FANFAk2) tb Hrx 0 1 0 1 8 48 0 6 JF.SSEL : OUR STORY 09M WITH THF; BIRTH OF JACK BINNY, IN THE YEAR 1894 -- THIRTY-NINE YFARS AGG . . .IT HAPPEIJED IN THE LITTLw TOWN OF WAUL M AN, ILLINOIS . .,THE PROUD PARENTS GP2 TM WITH DELIGHT ON THE BLUF-EYED BABY, AND IT WAS AT THIS MOMFSiT THAT JACK BENNY'S VOICE WAS HRARD FOR THE FIRST TIMU7 . . MF.L : (CRIES LI{E BABY) LOIS : Look at him, Papa, he ' s so cute. B7, CK: Yes. . .we'11 call hirq Jackie . LOIS : Do ctor, I want to aek you something . . . Oh, I know all parents think their children are unumsal . . .but honestly, Doctor, isn't our Jackie different from moet babies you've delivered? OMSTS[D : I can't tell, ft'm also a Veterinarian . LOIS : Look at little Jackie, Pape . . .he's got your mouth . BFC?S : Rnd he's got your nose . LOIS : And he'e got your eyes . BECit: And he's got your ears . IAIS: But look at his heir. OMS'PF0.D: That's mine, it elippsd off . MEL : (CRIES) . LOIS : There there, Jackie, quiet now . OMSTEP.D: Now, Mr. Benny, about my fee . Br CK : ~ . Don't worry, Doctor, just meil your bill, and my eon Jackie will send you a cheok , mw H 1* }! 0 1 0184 80 7 , -15- ~ 1 OMSTEADt Ti//Thank you very i- wait a minute . .your son here . .Jackie. . r d- A he'a only a few minutes old . . How can he send me a check? BFC3: 1~/!-T,I don't know how he did it, but he already saved eight hundred dollars . :L : (COOS HAPPILY) JFSSEL . M~ ; AND SO THE LITTLE BABY BFGAN TO GROW AND MAIff RAPID 4 PRO:R'SS. . .AT THE AGF, OF SIX MONTHS HF ASTOUNDED MF.IIICAL SCI ESICE BECAUSB F! r, HAD THIdTY-1W0 TF.TTH. . .ALL UPPERS . ., BUT JACKiWA° A HAPPY LITTLE CHILD. .AND ALL DAY LONG HE US ED TO SIT IN HIS CRIB PLAYING WITH HIS TOYS . (SOUND : CASH RNRISTER) - MEL : (GUR3L^S HAPPILY) . JESSFd : HE GREW OLDF.R, HIS PAR*TITS GAVE HIM FvERYTHING HR WANTED . BUT JACId IA WASN'T AN ONLY CHILD. .H3 HAD A YOUNGER SISTER NAM$D FLORiSIC!i.~ . . .TODAY HE HAS AN OL SISTER N!4"iED FLORZSICF . YEARS PASS?Dl AAD FINALLY ~C. ~l JACKIE EN T ERED SCHOOL,, .6ND AS A STUDF3JT HE WAS FXCF3TIONALLY BRIGHT . ~ P~ARTICUL?RM IN ARIMETIC. JENNY : And now for the neat question, I will call on Jackie Benny . JOEY: Yes, teacher . . JENNY : Now Jackie, if you loaned ten dollars to Albert and five dollars to Irving and fifteen dollars to Tomnd . . .and they all paid you back at once, how much money would you havei JOEY : Thirty-one dollare ., mw RT 8 01 016 4 806 -16- JF'-lINY: I'm .eorry, Jackie . . .but the correct anewer is t1Yir vt dollers. JOEY : Whet about the intereetp . - JFSINY : Oh yee, I forgot, . And that reminds me, Jackie. . .I'11 pay you the money I owe you Friday . . JOEY : Good, good. . Then I'11 give you beck your wrist watchl JESSEL : IT WAS FASY TO SEE THAT THERN WAS SOMFTHIN3 ABOUT JACKIE THAT WAS DIFFERENT FROM OTHER BOYS. . .IN HIS CLASS THERE WAS ONE LITTLE BOY WHO LIVED NEAR THE STOCKYARDS . .TRH]RE WAS ANOT}iERR WHOSE ROMB WAS ABOVE A LIVERY STABLE. .AND STILL ANOTIIER WYO LIVZ;D NE%T DOOR TO A GLUE FACTORY . .YEf JACKIE WAS THG ONLY KID IN J* CL ASS CALLED "STINKY" . . SOMEHOW NE SEIIIED 'N KNOW,,~HF/vWA~S DESTINED FOR A MUSICAL CAREER. . .AND FOR THG: NF.XT F?'WYEARS Ii•E TOOK VIOLIN LESSONS REiULAFLY. JACK: (PLAYS VIOLIN EKA:RC'SES. .HITS CLINKER) MEL : No no no, .how many timea must I tell you„ mnoothly . . . smoothly . . . JOEY : I'm sorry . MEL : Play it again, .only this time hold the bow with one hand, you're not Ty Cobb. JOEY : I'll try . MEL: Not today.,ze lesson, she ie over. JOEY : Oh . . . Well, goodbye, Profeseor . MEL: Wait. .,you did not pay me . mw Hrx 01 0 7e 4 e09 -17- 4, JOEY : Huh? MFL : Monsieur Benny, I want my money . JESS^L : BUT JACK WAS PF.RSISTENT ABOUT HIS VIOLIN PLAYING AND HE TOOK LVSSONS . . . YEAR -- . MEL : Monsieur Benny, my money . JESSEL : AFTER YF,",R . . . ~ MEL : Monsieur Benny, my money . - JESSEL : AFTER Y!;AR . . MEL : (CRYRYi) Please, Monsieur Benny, my money . JESSEL : FINALLY CAME THE DAY OF HIS GRADUATION FROPI ELE'1ENTARY . SCHOOL . . .IT WAS A PAOUD MOMWT FOR JACK AND HIS PARFNTS . . ~ THAT WAS THE D"Y THAT HE fUT ONHIS FIRST PAIR OF LONG PANTS . .THE7 LOOKED KIND OF BULI:Y OVER HIS DIAPERS . . .AS HE WAS PREPARIlrG 'A17~~LF.A.yVE THG HOUSE, HIS PARFFdTS LOOKS:D AT HIM PROUDLY AND~SAIDr LOIS: Jackie, we're proud of you . JOEY : Thanks, Mother, si I'm so excited . BECKs Look at him, Mama, doesn't he look handsome? LOIS:He should look hendsome . .he'e got your mouth . BECK : Pnd he's got your nose . LOIS : And he!s got your eyes . OMSTEAD: And he's still got my hair . . LOIS : You'll get it, you'll get it, let him graduate first . . And we went to get there early, he's gonna play a violin solo. mw fli ;K07 01 13 4 8 10 1s JACK: (PLAYS END 0F "LOVE IN BIAOM") JOEY : Friends, relatives, teachers, end.fellow graduates . Your kind reception to my musical offering has filled my little heart with joy. But I don f t deserve all this applause alono . .Some of the glory nust be shared by my mueic teacher. . .that wonderful man. .that brilliant ganius . .that great -- (SCIE MEL: :AMING) NEVER MIND THE COI'Q'LIMENTS, I , .W6FIL.IIY MO-%, Y! JESSEL: JACK BENN Y'8 SCHOOLING AND VIOLIN S TUDY *9 INlERRUPTED BY WORLD WAR ONE WHEN HE ENTERED TAE ARMED FOHCES .'T.~.H~E WAS REALLY TOO YOUNG TO GO, BUT HIS FATPER WAS O[~t~ DRAFT BOARD . . 4W 30, EARLY IN 1917 , WE FIND JACK NO LON( E R A BOY, BUT A MAN,READY TO ENTER THE NAVY . JACK: Goodbye, Papa . BECK: Go already : WITH `_'HE W~AR,~,OVER,. JESSEL JACK'S PABENTS Ki~W HE'D SOON BE HOME ANDyhTA.DE'PREPARATIONS . . THEY MOVED, . . SO JACK DECIDED OiQ VAUDEVILLE AS A CAREER . . .IT WAS ABOUT THIS TIhE THAT MANY CHANGCS TOOK PLACE IN THE EiJTERTAIN ME NT WORLD . . . NE W INNOVATIONS HAD COMi•: ALONG. .RADIO . .TALKING PICTUBES . . . AND IN ONE PICTUf E CALLED "LUCKY BOY" .A HANDSOME YOUNG IEADING MAN NAMED G E ORGIE JESSEL SCORED AN ~ IIRMEDIAlli SMASH HIT~'~HE SANG : (SINGS) ONE BRIGHT AND GUIDING LIGHT THAT TAUGHT ME WRONG FROM RIGHT I FOUND IN MY MOTt 0 'S EYES . TB RTX 0 1 018 .1811 19 '7 JACK: (SOTPEt) Georgie : ~ JES SE L: (SINGS) THOSE BABYaaS~TAI&S SHE TOLD THAT RO ADIM PAVED WITH GOLD .-- JACK: CF ORGIE : ~`L,Fj .~ LIFE STORY ; JESSEL: Oh, yes, aorry . . .WITH THE ADUENT OF RADIO, MANY M f! STARS WEI E MADE OVERNIGHT . . . . . AND O-M OF TIE BRIGHIEST WAS THE MAN WHO ALWAYS OPE NE D HIS SHOW WITH --- JACK: Hello egain. JLSSEL : FROM ~5 HE BECAME A STAR : . . . WIIEN JACKRGALI7ED THAT HE WAS A BIG HIT ON RMIO, HE DECIIED TO ( E 'P HIS OWN PROGRAM~IAST HE 100KED FOR AN ANNOUNCER . HE DIDN'T HAVE TO IAOK FAR BEOAUSE DOid WILSON WAS EVERYWHERE . . JAC.Re So you want to be a radio announoer, eh4 DOiQ : Yes, sir . JACK ; Have you had any experience? DON : A little . JACB: We11, before I hire,you, I4d like to audition you . DOi~i: Yes, eir . . .listen to thie . .L3, MFT . .LS, MFT . .WCKY STRIIfl'; NZAidS FINE . TOI3AC00 . JACK: Uery good . DON: TO GET BE TTER TASTE IN A CIGAI C TIE, YOU MUST BEGIN WITH FINE TOy(3gCQQ . THATQS RIGHT, Tf E F Mt S NO SUBSTITUTE FOR FI NE TOEACCO . . .~ DON~T LET aNYdODY TELL YOU DIFFERENT , th FRTY{01 0 1 8 4 8 12 20 JACK: . TV . I won't, I won't : And take your Imee out of my stomach . DON: SO . . .I,B/MFT . . .YES, LUCKY S'lRIKE MEANS FINE TOBACCO . JESSEL: 80 DON WILSON WAS HIRED . . .EVEN THOUGH AT THAT TIME JACK WAS ON FOR JELLO . . . GRADUALLY JACK ASSEMBIED HIS CAST . HE TOOK MARY OUT OF THE STOCKING COUNTER AT THE 1 MAY COMPANY. . .HE I E CLAIMED PHIL HARRIS FROM A 00WERY MISSION . . .BUT HE HAD A HARD TIME GE TTING DENNIS DAY . . . TBE ORGAN GRINDER DIDN'T WANT TO PART WITH HIM. . .NOT CONTENT WITH HIS SUCCESS IN RADIO, JACK DECIDED TO GO INTO MOTION PIC S . . .AND ONE NIGHT HE HAPPENED TO BE AT A GAY PARTY1@16M ~~ EYERY BIG PRODUCER IN HOLLYWOOD WAS PRESENT . FEELING THAT THIS WAS~,,H,IS Z OPPORTUNITY, JACK APPROACHED MR . WARNER,/ READ OF THE WARNER BROTRERS STUDIO . tb ATN09 U'1B4 13 13 I' 21 JACK: Mr . Warner, I realize it's not considered proper to mix businese with pleasure, but there's no reason why I can't be we big +c movies , and I feel that if you and I put our heads together, we can come up with a role that vYi4 not only suit my particular talents but will also-- MEL : (STRAIGHT) Never mind , iust park my car. JACK: Yes sir . . JFSSEL : SO .JACK PPJ?ILFDMR. WAFdJER'S OADILLAC . .BUT HE PIM SISTED, PND FINALLY MADr:, A NUMBER OF PICTURES F.P WAR`]F.H BROTHFd?S, CLIM(OC;D BY "THB HORN BLOWS 41F MIDNIGHT" . . . IT WAS EXACTLY ONT: MONTH P.FTITi THIS PICTURE WAS RELr+.ASED THl.T JACK .M+^.P MR . WAAN.z.'E? AT FSIOTHER PARTY, JACK : But Mr. Warner, there's no sense being mad at me . .When you're a producer, you've got to take ohancee and I feel that if you and I-- M u : Never mind , just uark mv Chevrolt . JSSSF.,' : BUT LLTHOLtiF. h~, RUINED OTHERS . . .J1u^.K CONTINUED TO DO a WELL. .AND/HE DT(:IDz9 TO MOVF. INTO A NEW HOUSE IN BEPX?LY HILLS WITH HIS FA.ITh'P°JL VfJ.FT, ROCHES'fER . (SOUND : DOOR OPELIS) ROCH: BOSS, THIS HSUSV IS SURE BEAUTIeUL . JACK : Yes, it is, Rochester . . .but you know, I've been thinking . ROCH : ABOUT WHAT? mw Rrx 01 0 184814 22 ( JACK: Well. . .a house isn't really a home without a woman . RCCH: WANT NE TO GET MARRIED? JACK: Never mind : AND SO JACK MOVED. JESSEL INTO THE HOPE W WHICH HE STILL RESIDES .i:LADIES-AND (rNTIEPIGN . .THIS BRINGS US UP TO THE PRESENT. AND WPHOUCH JACK BENNY HAS WON THE IESPECT OF HIS COLIEAGUES, THE ACCLAIM OF THE PUBLIC, AIM EVERY AWARD THAT HECO&D POSSIBLY ACHIEVE . . .HE IS STILL TIfE SATE.,hUN WAS WF EN HE STARTED OUT . . .AND KNOWING JACK A+5 I~DO, I M THAT NIS GRE' 'yST. TH RILL CAIT~ ONE DAY THIEE YEARS AGO IN A SIMPIE LITPLE PI E SENTATION THAT THE PUBLIC DOESN°T EVEN KNOd ABOUT . BECK: And so,Mr. Becny, from our Government in Washington, it ' e my pleasure to give you thie .~, ~ JACK: Gee. . .a thirty-eeven dollar tea refund JESSEL: AND SO, LADIES AND a IW~ T~IEMEN, ~ON THIS HAPPY NOTE WE END OUR STORY.. . Well, ha'~'t t~e it JACK: Georgie, I think you did a wonderful job in presenting my life story snd I want to thank you . JESSELp Well . Jack, you deserve it. JACK: Thenke, Georgie, end tonight maybe the two of us mmW -- RT}!01 0184815 23 JESSEL: (ORATING) ou DESCRVE IT IS BECAUSE YOU°YC ALWAYS HAD AN ABUNDANCE OF THOSE THFtEE GREAT QUALITIES, FAITH, HOPE, AND CHARITY. -L~ADIES~ArID~ ~( E NTIEi'EN, IF I COULD ~p4J7 divkYiOUR AT1EiJTION FOR THE NE XT THIRTY MINUTES, I'M SM I CAN PUT MY SIMPIE POINT ACROSS . WE MUST CET DOWN TO FUNDAM NTALS . FOR IA THE EBB AND FIAW OF MAN'S , E7CISTENCE, IT IS .THE BASIC TH + Ii„ VNIMM IS TIiQSEL !uID WINDOW DRESSING . (MUSIC SNEAKS IN AND BUILDS TO PLAYOFF) JESSEL: HOURSMM~AY SEEM OH, FOR HEAVEN ~UT ~2~T'' . . .lR1L SARES . #filyi~171d"'-- . (APPLAUSE AND MUSIC UP FULL . . .THEN FADE) JACS: And now, ladies and gentlemz, as I m,entioned before . . . tonight's program is dedioated to the 1954 Red Cross Campaign . .We now take you to Washington where the next voice you hear will be that of Mr . E . Roland Harrim.en, Chairman of the Amerioen Red Cross, who in turn will tb present the President . HTY{01 0'1 248 16 24 ( RgRRISON : Members and friends of the Red Crose . . .Tomorrow begins the rronth in which good neighbors all over the lend will pledge themselves to serve their neighbors by joining the American Red Cross . . .Volunteer workers will visit your homes end offices to tell you whatie being done to help the people who day after day turn to your Red Cross in time of emergenoy end distress -- who turn to you because you, ae members of the Red Cross, are active partners in all, its friendly deeds . We hope there will soon be thirty million of you on the Red Cross membership roll, so that when the Red Cross secves,you all will be there . . . . .This year our fin&i oie.l goal is eighty-five million dollars . It is the aotive members behind the eighty-five million dollars -- the voa.unteere --- who make Red Crose funds go so fer and do so auch. . .It is now my privilege and honor to present our moet distinguished vohmteer---- en active member who eaoh year is one of the first to renew his membership in the 0 merloan Red Cross . . . Iadies and Gentlemen, the b7esident of the United States, tb HT 8 01 0 16481' 25 ~ ~ =--'---- EISEtdfiCWER : vMy fellow Mrerioene and Red Cross Membere : 91'nericens believe in the Red Cross . . . .I personally believe in it, first, because I Imow from my own experience the great good it aooompliahee in war and peace ; second, because I believe in the fundamental principle of Red Cross-- the principle of people helping people . . .Through the ~ Red Cross, gmericans have helped the men and women 10 our armed forces . In generation after generation, ' American eervioemen have turned to the Rea-Croas with their pereonal problems, their family emergencies, ond the Red Cross has responded . It has responded quickly ~ . . and generously . . . . lhrough the Red Cross the people of this Nation have constantly relieved the pain and ° sufferfng of fellow citizens trEpped by natural disasters . The homeless and the bu,.gry have been sheltered and fed. Victims of disaster, lacking the means to rebuild end refurnish their homes, have found in the Red Cross the aesistanoe they needed ...... And beosuse the American people have donated their blood as well as their money, the Red Cross during the last decade has given life itself to the wounded and the sick . . The blood donated by the American people has saved not only the wounded on the battlefields of World War II and Korea, but the sick and fnjured in more then three thousand hospitals here at home ...... The Red Cross has provided, and with your help will continue to provide, vast quantities of blood products --- products 1" such as gesma globulin, which helps our children avoid tb the horrible paralyeie caused by polio . (MCRE) H 1" X01 0 784818 26 EISENHOCEh: So muoh for the material contributions of the Red (CTD) Crose . Tiut beyond e1lthxs --- the Red Cross abundantly provides faith in the innate goodness of people, in their ability to work together for the Nation's good . It exemplifiei the enormoue power whioh kindness and generosity can exert to rrove men closer to the day o when the rule of foroe will be banished from the world, and when the Golden Rule will guide the actions of menkind. . .Tluough your Red Cross you give speoial meaning to this faith in humanity . I am conf9.dent that this year, as in the past, the A nerioan people will join the Red Cross ist its megaifioent .efforts to ~Omfor our fellow men . (APPLBU.SF'.) _J . tb HT}{01 0'1 9 4 6 19 -a- . PBOGBAM #26 (REVISED SCRIPf) THHE A}IE RICAN TOBACCC CC UANY LUCBY SIRIBS TIE JACN BE[1NY PRCGBAM (TR9NSCRIBLD FEBBUARY 25. 1954) (NEW YORK CITY) . ta RT 90 1 0184821 -g- . TI E AB;RIL•a_N TOB9' Q 0 amY °= JACK B,gyyy &=' #26 MARCR 7 . 1954 SUNDA 7 :00 - 7 :30 PM EST Y OPENING COLflSERCIAL W~LSON : THE JACK BENNY PBOGRA3i . . . treneoribed and presented . by LUCBY STRIKE! COLLINS: Luokiee taste better: CRORCS: Cleaner, Freeher, Smoother : - COLLINS : Luckiee taste better!CRORUSsCleaner . Freeher, SmooTher! . For Luoky Strike means fine tobacool Richer-taeting fine tobaooo: COLLINS : Luckies taste better! : Cleaner, Freeher. Smoother2 . CHORUS Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike! _ WILSON : This is Don Wilson . . You know, there are three words that pretty we11 eum up rh y millions of wokere prefer Lucky Strike . Those three words are, •Luokieo toste .better.' 'Taste that'a the key to complete smoking enjoyment . For, ®oking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter ie Luckiee taste better. Cleaner, freeher, emoother. Here's why. Firet, LSAM'T. Luoky Strike meane fine tobaooo , natura2ly mild. good-tasting tobacco. . (1WRE) . RT}! 0 1 01 8 4 8 22 .a. THE JACK BENNY PROGRAN NARCH 7, 1954 OPENING COERIERCIAL (CONT'D) WILSON : Second, Luckiea are no" better to taete better . (CONT I D) You can see for yourself they're round, firm, and fully-packed, to draw freely and smoke evenly . You'll gat more enjoyment from smoking if you remember, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is Luokies taste better. So, Be Happy -- & Luokv. Get better taste . Next time ask for Lucky Strike. COLLINS : Luckiee taste better! CHORUS : Cl.eaner. F r esher, Smoother: Lucky Strike! Luoky Strike : . ta RTX01 01 8 4 8 23 (FIRST ROUTINE) (AFTER COPPIERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: FROM NEk' YORK CITY, 143E .LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITii MARY LIVI NG STONE, ROCHEBTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY'", DON WILSON (APPLAUSE : . . . . MUSIC UP AND DOWN) p DON : LADIES AND GENTLEMEN . . .T•HIS IS JACK BENNY'S SECOND WEEK IN NEW YORK, AND RIGHT NOW WEfD LIKE T0 TAKE YOU 1b JACIC'S ROOM AT THE WALDORF ASTORIA HOTEL . . . UNPtiRTUNATELY, FL"S NOT STAYING 'IIIWJiE, SO WE TAKE YOU 'IC1 HIS ROOM AT THE ACME PLAZA . . . . ROCH: (SINGS) EAST SIDE, WEST SIDE, (0LL 1iR0 tUND THE TOWN . . . 'D rSOUND:1 D00 JACK: Good morning, Raoheeter . ROCH: OH, GOOD MORNIDG, MR . BENNY (APPLAUSE) ROCH ; DID YOUHAVE A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP? JACK: Yeah. By the way, what kind of weather are we having today. . .ie it raining4 ras flT,K01 0'I 848'24 _z.. ROCH : I DON'T TRINK SO . . JACKs Oh, is it sunny out? R00R: I'M NOT SURE . . JACK: Maybe it°s cloudy and drizzly? ROCR: COULD BE. JACK : On the other hand, it might be clear and cold . ROCRs BOSS, IF YOU'D ONLY GET A ROOM WITii A WINDOW, WE COULD STOP PL$YIAG TWENTY QUESTIONS . ..~ ..4....l~'.~~ JACK : 40 ROCR : SAY, LOOK WHAT TIME IT IS, I BETTER GET M YOUR - BREAKFAST IN A HURRY. . . YOU°VE GOT TNAT TEN 0'OLOCK APPOINT4'1GNT WITH YOUR DENTIST . JACK : No, no, Roohester. . .I went to the dentist yesterday and I'm all finished . ROCR : G00D. . .WELL, I'LL ORDER YOUR BREARFAST. (SOUND ; COUPLE.OF FOOTSTEPS . . .RECEIVER UP. . . BUZ2 . . .CLICK) JENNY: Room eervioe . BOOR: HELLO, THIS IS ROCRESTER. . .I'D LIKE TO ORDER SOME BREAKFAST FOR MR. BENNY. JENNY: What'll he have this morning, farina, oatmeal, mueh . or cream of wheatl ROCRs . . .RAM AND EGGS, HE CAN CE EW AGAIN . ras RTHU1 0184 8 25 -3- JENNY: Oh, that's good . . . it will be nice to have him smile at me for a change . . . Now, what else please? ROCH: BUTTERED 9C1AST AND COFFEE . JENNYs Coffee? ROCH : YES . JENNY: The management of the Acme Plaza Hotel, requests that we rake this announcement to our gueste . . .due to the recent inoreaeesin the cost of wholesale coffee, we are foroed to raise our prices . ROCHe YOU'VE RAISED YOUR PRICE IN COFFEEP JENNY: Yes, it's five cents a cup now : WELL, SEND IT ALONG . . ROCH (SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN) ROCH: YOUR BREAKFAST WILL BE AIANG SOON, BOSS . JACK: -/74 Thank you. . . ROCH: BY THE WAY, BOSS, CAN I HAVE TONIGHT CFF7 SOME FRIENDS OF MINE ARE GIVING ME A FAREWELL PARTY . JACK: No, BochnoW . I have a lot of things for you to do . ROCH : CAN I HAVE TOMORRGd NIGHT OFF? JACK. No. ROCH: WELL, HOW ABOUT TUESDAY NIGHT? JACK: lit Yea /- Tuesdey hight sounds all right. Where are you going Tuesday7 ras HT 9 01 0 184826 - 4 . ROCH: THE SAME PARTY . IT'LL STILL BE ROLLIN3 . JACK : I should have known . Well, Rochester --- (SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK : . . . I'11 get it. (SOUND : COUPLE FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPENS) a . .7 DON: (',j,~,/ Hello, Jack JACK: Oh, hello, Don . (APPLAUSE) JACK : 6~, Turn yourself sideways and come in. . . I didn't expect you. DON: -1 M , I rthought I'd drop by, I have a little eurprise for you, JACK : Surprise? . DON: Yee l I was out with yo ur sponsor last night, and he told me how happy he is with your radio and T .V . programa, JACK: Oh, that's nice . DON: And to show his appreciation he's buying tickets for all of ua to see a Broadway show tomorrow night . JACK: Whioh oneT DON: LSPII+T and Sympathy . ras RT}S01 0184927 5. r JACK: Oh yee . . .I hated to tell him :that Deborah Kerr xaen't Dorothy Collins . DON : Not only that . Jaok. but your eponeor is having a .pe.rt Satur ight and he wants you to come. ,-' I JACK: I'll certainly here . DON : Oh, and he said to be euring your violin . JACK: Oh, darn it . . . .I he 0 get up tertain when I'm a guest . DON : Hescrton't say anything about your being a guest . JACK: ( Good . od that means I'11 get paid . V..Te11 me. Don, how are you enjoying --- : KAOCK ON DOOR) .(SOHND . JACK: Oh, that's probably my breakfast . DON : Jack, it could be the singing group from the Hit - Parade, JACK: Oh. yee . . .you told me they wanted to audition fo~rire?Zt~100ME ON IN, FELLOW9 : DOOR OP'E'NS). (SOUND JACK: Are they going to sing a song from the Hit Parade . DON : Jack, they're going to do a Lucky Strike Extra -- something from the A11 Time Hit Parade . -Go ahead . fellows . ta HTYS 0 1 01 848 28 6 . QUARTET : You better wake up. wake up . you sleepy . got up . get out ofbed head Get up Cheer up , son it's time/ you were rising When the Red Red Robin comes Bob Bob Bobbin along along There'll be no rcore sobbin When he starts throbbin his old sweet song Wake up. wake up. you sleepy head Get up. get up. get out of bed . Cheer up, cheer up. the sun is red Live, love, laug)ti end be happy What if I've been blue . Now I'm walkin' through fields of flowers Rain may glisten But still I listen for hours end hours I'm just a kid again Doin' what I did again . singing a song When the Red Red Robin Comes Bob Bob Bobbin along A7n~d ..n~ ow how about a comneroial 5k've gottaot have a cortmeroial . We didn't have one at rehearsal Me.kee no difference we've gotta have it now i. Well, let me think, now lot's see There is no no nothing (MORE) ta HT}SU1 0184829 7.• QUAHTET: uff puff puffin' a Lucky Strike It's the best smoke yet It's the cigarette you are sure to like Light up. light up, and you'll agree LS . LS dash MFT Cleaner, freeher, and nazch emoother too So be happy Go Lucky If you'll tear 'em And then if yo .'11 oon pare 'em t M you'll eay They'ree.really really . really, really better You'll be startin' in righ t Go buy a carton tonipht, they're okay Let'e light a Luoky Strike Luokiee have the taste you like Let's lig}it one now 'Cause you know there's nothin' Quite like puffin' Let's light a Lucky right now. (APPLAUSE) ta Hi}{U1 0184830 (SECOND ROUTINE) ' e ~/ JACK: ~J,ly, That was swell, fellows Don. . . DCN : (WRISFERS) Yeso Jack? JACK: (WHISIER) How much will they want for appearinM ori the program? af ~ DCN : ¢'6H Their fee is a thousand dollars ;' JACK: (SCREAMS) AT? 0RISI E RS INP1EDIATEL{)' I mean what . . .AP thousand dollars DCN : (WIQSi E R) Yes, Jack . JACK: (WY I SPER) We11, you can tel9tthem that they're not exactl what we had in mind . DCNS (WHISIt7R) LOxt, J -- ACKa (WIIISPER) 'em,tell .'em . Ns (WRI~SPE Okay . . .(DP) I'm sorry, fellows, but u're not exactly what Mr. Benny had in mind. . .Thanke for comi ver (SCUNDS DOOR CLOSES) N: -- or heavene sakes, Jack,, I don't know why you eedt lo m away ., .What are you going to do for a co ial on your _. show? ."'~^.-.. : D0. RCCH 3y`C' ABOUT T . WILSCN . JACK ; Of course n' .,Roo turn off the tap9 recorder . . . No vo the tape to my produce r the program we're going to -- fad 19 T)S01 0194831 ; 9 ~ DON: Jack Benny, that is without a d e cheapeet thing ROCH : WELL AROUND TILCtE-,TIPS 141E WAITER FOR HIS BREAKFAST. JACK: «.^.._~n N ^ever mi~..~ DONs Say Jaok, would you like to go to a show with me tonightY JACK: No, not tonight, Don . . .I've got a date . DON ; With whom? ~ JACKt Gisell MacKenaie. . She einge on The Lucky Strike Hit . Parade, and she's a lovely -- (SOUNDs KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK: Come in . (SOUNDs- DOOR OPENS) . MEL : Here's your breakfast . JACK: . Thanks. MEL : There's the pepper and -alt, and here's a whisk broom. JACK: A whisk broom. What's that for? MELa Cominq down the hall-I dropped your ham and eggs . JACK:yook, I told you, you can forget the jokes . This trip I brought my own writers . . MEL : Okay, okay. \ jn A T}i01 0164832 10 JACK; . Give me the check, and I'll eign•it . . . . Here, boy, and I wrote down the tip . MELS Hm. . .Say, Mr. Banny, wouldntt you like to erase the tip and give me the same amount in cash? JACK: WhyR - MEL: Then nobody but the two of us will ever know. JACK: Okay, here. (SOUNDs COUPLE CF COINS CLINKING) MEL : Thanks . (SOUNDs DOOR SLAhiS) N JACKs Say,. Don, care to-havea little coffee with me4 DON s ;~ No thanke, . Jack,I've already eaten . .,, JACK: Good, good .,Well, I better eat before it gets cold . . . I've got a radio rehearsal this afternoon...v and tonight I = got to pick up Gieelle 11acKensie . (TRANSITION MUSIC SHOWING PASSAGE OF SEVERAL HOURS OF EASTERN STANDARD TIFME) (SOUND: STBEET AND TRAFFIC NOISES . . .FOOTSTEPS ., .FADE TO BACKGROUND) JN AT 8 01 0 1 0 4 8 33 11-12-13-14 ~ JACK: Gee,=iiR has been a nioe day . I like to walk along Broadway and look at all the signe . . .look at all the naw picturee that have opened up, .,"Beat the Devil" with Humphrey Bogart,,,"It Should Happen To You" with Judy Holiday.> ."Riot In Cell Blook Eleven" . . .Gh yes, that's based on the life of Frank Remley,,,Gee, I thought the Hit Parade Studio was right around here eomewhere, but I don't see it. I better ask somebody where it ie, . .Escuee me, Mieter, FRANK FCNTAIHE : Huh, you talkin' to me? : Yes, I -- MO ii NEWb mie, ~ JACIC.? I know you . . .You're John L. C. Sivoney . . (APPLAUSE) JAN ATSl01 0184834 ly 5' JACK: t'e nice running into you again, Mr . Sivoney ,-A/ ? FRANK: Wait a minute. . .who are you? JACK: Don!t you recognize me?. . . Here, I'11 step under the light. . Now take a good look at me . FRANK: Holy emoke, it's Jack Hennnyyyyyyyyyyy . JACK: Thet's right . . .Mr . Sivoney, the last time I eaw you was n in Hollywood. . .what are you doing here in New York? FRANK : Well, I'11 tell you how it happened in a way . . .I was back in Hollywood. .,I was just hangin' around the house . .juet hangin' around the houee, . .I wasn't doin' anything,,,Iwee just hpngin' around . .Ididn't feel , 7 4.~a,,..... • like doiri'g anything . . .juet hanging around~ . 1rr I said to my wife. .:"Hey you .~ Sh e said , "'Who?" . . .I said, "You," Shesaid,-"Me?" . . .I said, "YAH:" . .,She said, "What?",,,I said, "Answer.the phone" . . .She said, "No" . . . I said, "Answer the phone ." . . .She said, "No .", . .I said, "Answer the phone." . . .She said "No", . .Ieaid, " ne e the nhon~e,,..~" she said, "No ." JACK: Gee, why/didh't she want to answer the phone? FRANK : It hadn't rung ye. (IsAUGtiS~4 JACK : Ch,,, Well, if the'yp•ho~~ne hadn't rung, why did you want her to answer it? FRANK: Well, she was just hengin' around, she wasn't doin' anything. JACIQ Oh ., MW RT}{U1 0184835 FRAM{: Well, then the phone rings, and it's a quia progran, and I answered '1 the ueetione .oo reotly JAOK: iT.,,w}iat did t ey aek you7 a FRANK: Well, first they asked me my nane. JACK: Naturally . FRANK : didn' t stick me, I had it right~n rry driver T s JACK: 0h. .what elee~ did they ask you on this quia progrsn7 FRANK: Well, they told me that they had asked the eeme jaok pot question of a lot of oontestants . .They asked me "How mariv lega does a horse have4" and I said . "Shree," and I won. JACK: Wait a minute, John, . .thatie not the right answer, FRANKt I know, but I was the oloeeet. JACK: 16rmmM . FRANK: - They they amwunoed on the radio that the winner of th e / two week vacation in Honolulu was John L. C. Sivoney and I said, "Holy Smoke, that' s meeeeeee." ( LAikHS) rnt AI'}{01 01 8 4 13 36 JACK: John. .,John., .did you eqv you won two weeks in Honolulu? FRANK: YAH : Then what. JACK are you doit g here instead? FRANK: Well, I asked then if I oould oome here because I went . to tryout with the New York Giente . JACK: + W John. . .you oan't pl ay baeebell. FRANK: With the Giente, that'e Qn e3vantege . . .(LALGHS) JACK: I see what you mean, . . We17., John, it wea nice running into you, but I've got to go now. . . 1'm a little late for an e,ppoin+raent . . .by the ww. . .do you know where the Hit Parade Studio is? FRANK : YMM16 . .itQe ~around the corner . JACK: Well, thenks, jqp-I better hurry . ., Goodbye. FRANK: So iorgy (APA.ALBE) C~ (SOUrm: STRF,ET NOISE3 UP AND FOOT9MS , . .THIId FADE 10 BACIi*fiOUND) Gm ATXO1 0 113 4 6 3 ' -13- JACK: Gee, what a character . . . someone told him that peroxide would keep his hair blonde so ~he dret~c three bottles . . . Oh, here's the theatre. . ~ ihere's the ateE3e door . (SOUPID: OJUH,E FOOTSTER9 . . .LC70R OPENS .,CLOSN;i JACK: SCUND OUT) Now let's aee, wnere -- KRriIIi: Hey you, where do yoyythink you're going7 JACK: Huhy,, . Oh, I didn't notice you, Doarman. . . I'm gning in to see 1i.ss Gieelle 1'tao$enzie, Atm O .7 I'm eorry, na autographe till after the show. JACK: But -- i KRAMII3: N.,,O ut, 9;A . QI % /1' . . JACK: N ait a minute, Ibonnen ., . u oentt do this to me., . P Bon't yo know who I an7 KRAMEB : Sqy, you do 1 f , JACK: That's better . KRMNIt : You're the ho hee Flaza, JACK: Look, 'eter -- KRAMERS If get a raise one of these d qy s, I X gonna move outta that dunp, cm RTY{ 0 1 0194838 1226MM: Oh, yeeh. . .ehe Ieft word for you to go right in . JA.CiC: Thank you. please K@A M : You'11 find her on the stage over there . . .and be quiet, ahe'e about to rehearse her number. JACK : (WHISPM S) Okay, okay . . (GI9 %LF'S SONG -- "YOUNG AT II T ART") (APPLAUS F ) mw HTH01 0184834 20 (9HIHD ROUTINE) JACK: (OFF--YELIS) Gieelle ;/that wae/ onderful. GISELLE: Huh ~ Ch, it ' s you, .Jaok. JACK: Yes, I came injuet as you started your number . GISELLE: Well, I im all finished now, and we can go . JACK: Good . . Is ihere any p~rtioular place youtd like to eat? GISELLE: Well . .,h~ow about the Ei ft4wiiie$? JACK ; GISELLE : Twenty One? JACK : - Oh, I don"t know : How about E1 Morocco?. GISELLE JACKo . Well -- GISELLE: Say, I know juetthe plaoe . . .It ' e a little French restaurant qn Qrd- Str eet. . .You ' ll love it. . .It ' e called "LeMaie Le Prix Eet Bien." JACKs What does that mean? GISELLE: Tne Food Is Louey But Tie Price is Ri g:i t. JACK : 64w/k aso:mde so nice in Frend:. . 1§&hPMWAM=W . ishmahek G Hr 80 1 0 1 84 840 _ 21 9 JACK: You know, Giselle, IAfigured.Zou l d euggest a French 'A Reetaurant . . .your name is?Fr°"e'~n°oh', isn T t it? n GISELLE:/ ~O Juet my first name. .,MaoKenzie is Scotch . JACK : Ah, the Scotch . . .they ' re a great people . GISELLE: Do you really think so, Jaok? JACK : Yee. . .both Phil Harrie and I love them, but for _~..~- . . different reasons . . .We,/turn this corner hers, d®b a* GISELLEt Jack are we going to walk alI'ihe way? JACK : Well. : (SE%Y) . GISELLECh, come Jackie Boy. .Wouldn't it be fun with just thei two of ue in a oab? .JHmm? . .Hmm? JACK: (1ELLS) j=dgjl . . . . . jajl . (SCUND; TAXI SCREEQiING TO STOP) BECK : You wanna oab, Mister? JACK : Yes. .Get in, Giselle . (SOUNDs DOOR CPENS . . .SCUFFLING NOISES ., .DCCR CLOSES) BECK : bhere you wanna go, folks? GISELLE: Up Broadway to 83rd Street. BECK : Okay. (SGUND: RATQiET SOUND OF METER BEING PU9IED DOWN TO START) Ni 9 07 0 784841 22 JACK: Gee, as soon as he puehed tmtemote down~,3,t registered twenty-five_cents . What ir appenei to fifteen and five?, .,Oh well . . . (SOUND: MOTOR DRIPING AWAY„AND METER CLICKING LI(SITLY,,,SUSTAIN 1iR0UQi0UT) JA(5L: Gieelle,,,? GISELLE: Yes? . u JACK : Do you mind if I put my arm around you? GISELLE: . .,.Well, no, Jack . JACK : ,, .lhere wearo . . . . Now ae .I was saying.. .Since I saw you last, I 1'hou E~ t about you quite often, and not as a singer or .entertainer, but as a beautiful ( CSETER QLM,$), thirty cents girl whoNI couHbe very fond - of,.,,Aa a ne .tter of faot, during my many years in ehow businese I t ve always thou~~'tt ~o.f meeting a girl as eweet and intelligent-ae y6iz. You~rs e the type of beauty that I we always admired . .a gorgeous figure, dark flaehing eyes, gleaming black IMETER OLX MrSl thirty-five cents hair . And you know, Giselle, I I m not usually serious, but a date like this tonil§i t could lead to another, and then naybe we could get engaged, and aftera while, we 'd even i~is ms.rried. .and Aj~ time.. well. .you know how it ie. .we could even raise a family and ave may e or two or even three (9L1R' U).forty ~ cen ts kids. . . (MORE) G R 1' H01 0164 13 42 23 JACK: (CTD) Or msybe just, like in '&, e song, a boy for ym and a girl for LSI= forty-five ewieo WOOPS, 'IIIAT WAS A QUI CK I E . .~~. GISELLE: ' Well, tHis is a Ricchochet Romance if I ever eaw one . JACK : IXi, Giselle, stop kiuding. .I l m eerioue about this and-- ~ Hey, buddy, you back there . .ain ' t you Jack Benny? \ G RTt{01 0 1 8 4 8 4 3 JNCK : Yes, .yes, .I am. . .Youeee,0iselle . I -- ~~ . lW : I thought I reaogn3zed you when you got in . JACKa 72!ank you .>You eee, Giselle. I'm really fonder of you t~~.. than any -- B~f Say, Mr. Beruly, I got a brother lives in Los dngeles . .Name'e Crowley . .Joe Crowley. . .ever run into him there? ~ JACK : Crdaley?No, I don't think so . .,Anyway . Gieelle, every man must settle down sometime, and when a nan feels that rcmance has oome into hie life . WR-- Funny, Jo 'e the kinda guy you'd piok out ace . Well, I'm sor river, but I d t see hinu .A I was eaying . Gieelle, a nan feels that rovanQe has come into hi<7.ife '+laP: Cracke hie knuoklee a lot. funny you never heard him . J6CK : LOOK,DRIVER, TBERE AId~', H ;hRLY TWO MILLION PEOPLE AW IN LOS LNGELES.JIW I 6SSURE YOU I DON'T KNOW EVERYBODY . t1m : BUT JOE ZLRS GLASSE3 . JGCK : Well . I'm eorrv . I didn't see him . , . . .Now let's eee, where was I? GISELLE : Ronance had oome into your life and Joe was wearing glasses . JhCK : Oh yes. . .Now Gieelle, as I was saying, there oomes a time when every man (CLUNK OF P'ETF.R ) ---HOLY SNOF E0h LOOK AT TH4T NETE R. .jW SIXTY CENTS NOW .r .DRI9ER STOP pf THE Ct.B . - RT 801 0184844 ~~ -z5- $CMh But .we ain't..at,83rd Street yet. JACKf I don't oare .stouyba rab. .your mster's too fastt ~i Look „Mister.vpu oan't_eet in mv oab and say I'm a orook . ~ :•... JACK : I DON'T Wlg . .YOU:C# N THIGK M SONE TOURIST7 Y ~ CAN TAKCs PE FOR A JOY RIDE AND PLAY NE FOR A a ( ONK F~p$~1aty-flve oenta SUCKER. . .1~LL, YOU CAN'T°~f~ .S~TOP THE CAB . (SOUND: BPAKES . .DOOR OPHNS) JACKt Here'a'your money .7 oone let'e,go, Gieelle . GISELLE : . But Jack . .what about dinner? JACK : Don't worry.,he etopped .right in front of your apartment . . .e"W lR. you must have eomething 1n the refrigerator . (APPLAUSE .ANI) PLAYOFF)~ pf RT 80 1 0784845 -zb- CBS OIT6TION - AhERICaN LEGION (AFTER PL,Y OFF MUSIC & l,PPL1USE DOWN) DON: Lh, Jack, the CBS Radio and Televiaion Networke, as well as your ehow, have been singularly honored by the +~meriran Legion, and here tonight ie Dr . Frank Stanton, President of CBS . JLCK : Hello . Dr . Stsnton, it'e ap].easure to have you here . STLNTON: Thank you, Jack .USE ) . (l,PPL' DON: Gnd aleo, Jaok, Iy,=W like you to meet Mr. Jarrse 0'Neil, Publisher of the Lmerioan Legion'e National Paga zine . . . . O'NEIL : Hello, Jack. .USE) . (i1PPL( j Z JLCK : It's good to'see yeu . Mr, 0'Neil . ' 0'NEIL: Ith eortainly nice to be here with Dr . Stanton and you, dsok. . . They eay that when you put two Legionnaires together it doesn't take long to get a convention going . 80 b"m.w, Legionnaire Jaok Benny of Fost 264. Lake Foreet. Illinoie, we've got our own little convention underway with Dr . Frank Stanton as our gueeAof honor. Ji.OK : That we have . ~' pf R 1" X 0 1 0184846 -z7. 0'NEIL : Well, Dr. Stanton and Jaok,as we 0 i~h~4/nxew year okvmMIUMSI~, The 6msrioan Legion reviews me nts of 1953 in the fields of Radiothe accomplish and- Television and is privileged to preee t•the CBS .$o . . Networks withaward. Dr. Stanton,ae President of CBS, The Gmerioan Legion ~; oommende you and your I a dio e,nd Television Divisions for maintaining a high level of clean entertainment 3wiYdS ,.,py W ieW% . We feel that the JaokBenny Show, sponsored by Lucky Strike Cigaretteetypifies that quality. We also wish to .oite the CBS-AWAXWIft %domMOM Networke for their unexcelled informatioml eervioee oMw 0l WmJd wieah peLl1A.For thesereasone~I .am very~ ~'oud to have the privilege .of preeenting~youwith i~r Citation, Dr .- . . Stanton. • . • - . DR. ST',NTON: 'ihank you, Mr, 0'Nei~l,,o ~and you too, Jack . Speaking for the CBS Radio and~TeZevieion Networks both of whioh, ae you know, carry the Jack Benny progxam{,, let me say that we are deeply honored by the 6merioan Legion'e recognition ef ourefforte . It haebeen our continuing objective over the years to bring .wY the 6merioan people the best entertainment and the most responsible news and public discussion within our power . N RE) RTH01 0184647 -~- qDR. MNTON: This latest teetimonial by the American Legion can (CONT'D) - only eerveto give us renewed incentive in our steady pursuit ofthie goal . . Thank you very much : (APYLAUSE) '.~. JACK : Thank you, Dr .StKnton and Mr . O'Neil . Andladiee and gentlemen. I'll be back in just a.moment, but first a word to cigarette smokers . pf ` ATH01 01 8 484 8 -C- THE JUCK BENNY PRCGEikM rmlOH 7, 1954 CLOSING COMrERCIAL - COLLINS: Luokiee,taste betterl~ CHORUSs Cleaner. Fresher. Smoother : a COLLINS : L ,,aokiestaete better; CHORUS : Cleaner . Fresher. Smoother! For Lucky Strike means fine tobaooo ; Richer-tasting fine tobacco - • COLLINSs Luckies taete better ; . CHOHUS : Cleaner. Freeher. Smoot,her : - . Lucky Strike : Lucky Strike : You know friende, for a cigarette: ANNCR to really taste good,, it has to be frSBh . 9r d to be fresh, - the tobacco inside must have just the right amount of moisture . Not too much -- or the cigarette will burn too slowly -- and not too little or it will taste dry . That's wh y the makers of Lucky Strike constantly check moisture oontent during every step of manufaoture -- to make sure that Luokies' fine tobacoo comes to you with all its good taste .(MORE) pf arx01 0184849 ('LDSIN- COET1'L (OON= -D- ANNCR: For emoking enjoyment ie all a matter of taste . (CONT I D) And the fact of the matter is -- Luskies taste better. Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother. First because -- LS/MFP, Lucky Strike rrnane f= tobacco . And eecond, beoause Luokies are p&sLa better -- made under hundreds of quality controls like the tests far proper moSSture content -- to neke sure that Luokies always liQ taste better . So, friends, for better taste every time -- Be Happy -- Co Lucky -- make your cigarette -- ~ Lucky Strike ; - - SYORTSMEN : : QOARTETBe Happy -- Go Lucky (LONG OLOSE) Get Better Taste Today ; pf RTH 0 1 0184850 -z9- (TAG) w JACK:G~ ~--I want to thank Frank Fontaine for bringing ue .hie character of John L. C. Sivoney. .~^-~~L^"°"`A" •" Giselle, I want to tell you how happy I am that you could appear on n9r radio show tonight . : %~Jaok, it was a pleasure . .Te11 me, are you going. GISELLE right back to Hollywood? . a JACK: Oh no. . .I have a couple more things to do here in Now York, and then on March P" I'm going to Washington, D.C ., to say goodbye to an old friend . GISELLE : Who1 - JACK : My money . . . Goodnight, Giselle.„~ (APPLAUSE) . . . . DON : The Jack Benry Show was written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Balser, John Tackaberry, Hal - Goldman, Al Gordonk and produced and transcribed by Hilliard 1larke. The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike,produot of the American Tobacco Compaqy . . . . America's Ieading manufacturer of cigerettes . HTXO1 0184857 PROGRAM #27 REVISED SCRIPT I I // a. ~ r- AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY STRIISE THE JACK BENHY PROGRAM SUAIDAy MARCH 14 1954 CBS 4•00 4•30 PM PST (TRANSCRIBID, MARCH 11, 1954) RT 9 01 01 8 4 8 52 (OFENIAG COMNEROIALI_ -A- AA IT1LCK SgNNY PRCGRAM F~ 'MARCH 1T-195~- WILSON : THE JACK BENNY PROQ2AM . . . transcribed end presented by Lucky Strike! COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! a COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother For Lucky Strike meens flne tobacco Richer-testing fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHCIRUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! Lucky Strike! Iucky Strike! WILSON: This is Don Wilson, friends . Of all the reasons a person has for smoking, one stands at the very head of the list . That reason is . . . en7ovment . Why certainly! ou smoke for enioyment . And what gives you enjoyment? Why it's the teste of the cigarette . Yes smoking enjoyment is all a matter of tests . And the fact of the matter is -- Luckies taste better . Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother. Luckies taste better for two reasons that have really made cigarette history . First, they're made of fine tobacco . LS/MFP -- Lucky Strike meens fine tobacco . . . fine, naturally mild, good-testing tobacco . Then, Iuckies are made better . . . . mede round end firm and fully packed, to drew freely end smoke evenly . Yes indeed . . . made with fine tobacco . Made better . (MOFE) VR R T80 7 0 1 e 4853 (OPENING C0tM1ER0I4~ -CONP!D) -B- AMERICAN TOBACCO CONPANY MARCH 1 . 195 IISON : Those are your reasons for alxays asking for Luckies . CONT1 D) Those are the things that meke Luokies taste better . So, Be Happy -- Go Lucky . Next time youlre shopping ask for a certon of Lac Strike : SPORTSMEN QUARTET : Be Happy -- Go Lucky (LOM CLOSE) Get Better Taste Today : N? a 1,801 0 1 e 4 e 54 .(CLO.SITRP COMMERCIAL) -C- AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY JACK HENNY PROORAM #27 MARCH 14, 1954 WILSON= Jack will be back in ,)ust a minute . But first, do you (LIVE) remember the winner of lest year's $25,000 Tam 0'Shenter golf tournament, Lou Worsham? Here he is to get a word in wedge-wise :a LBM1J WORSHAM: Hello folks, The club that I have in my hand is e Double (SOUND TRACK) Service Wedge . You'll remember that I've made one of the most lucrative shots that I have ever made with this club . During the Tem O'Shanter Tournament, I used this club at the lest hole . From a hundred end fifteen or twenty yards eway, and made one of the Lucky shots of my whole life . Other golfers might have chosen en eight or a nine iron to play this shot . To me, the wedge has been one of my favorites . On that day, that was a lucky choice . And when it comes .to e cigeretteS•my choice . . . Luckiea . . . they taste better : . WILSON (LIVE) Lew Worshem is right . Smoking enfoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is -- Luokies teste better . Because Lucky Strike meens fine tobacco and Luckies are made better . So . . . Be Happy - 40 Lucky : Ask for a carton of Lacky Strike . COId,INS : Luckies taste better, CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother . Lucky Strike : Lucky Strike : VR Hrx 0l 0184855 (FIRST ROUTINE) -1- (AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) (DON : TRE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . .WITH MARY ISVINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPL9USE . . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : LADIES AND GINTLEMEN . .JACK BENNY AND RIS CAST ARE RETURNING FROM TREIR TRIP TO NE4! 7(ORK . . .AT THE MOMENT THEY ARE IN MARY'S COMPARTMENT ABOARD THE SUPII2-CFIIEF PLAYING TWENTY QUffiTIONS . . (SOUND : TRAIN SOUNDS UP AND FADE TO B .G .) . JACK : Now let's see, Mary, we've used up sixteen questions and we've found the .t you're thinking of something that's animal . . I ~~he's very famous in show business, and Ssover six feet tall . MARY :~~ That's right . - DON : ~"~'1 I Imow . . .Jimmy Stewart . MARY : No . MaBY• ~1+J . JACK : Gary Cooper? MARY : Yup' JACK : Well, we guessed that one . . .now let's see . . .It's your turn, Dennis . )ENNIS : Okay . . .I got a good one . qN : Is it animal, mineral, or vegetable? ENNIS : It's animal . . . . . I think . ARY : You think? JENNIS : YeSI.•.is a bird considred an animal? -r -JL RT}{ 0 1 0184 85 E -2- JACK : Certainly. . .(WHISPERS) Hey, Mar , .ht /is silly kid just gave himself away . . .Watch this . .(UP) Tell me, Dennis, is it a bird? DENNIS : Uh huh . JACK : (WHISPF5tS) You see, Mary, you see? MARY : Yeah. . .Dennis, is this bird extinct? bENNIS : No . DON : ti Is this bird found in America? DENNIS : Yes . arax. •__za ss-e-wntp.Pa.:~? Dl~-.atn . MARY : A sparrow? DENNIS : No . DON : Robin? DENNIS : No . ~rt8h? JACK : Wait a minupte,~ Dennis . . .ls this a very large bird? DENNIS : : JACK An eagle? DENNIS : No . DON : A buzzard? DENNIS : No . ymem--59~'- ? DON : Look, Dennis, does this bift -- CL RT}S 0 1 0 '18 4 857 5" JACK: Wait a minute, Don, hold it, hold it, .,I think I-ve got it . . Dennls,,,doee this bird go to Capistrano quite frequently? DENNIS : (SURPRISED) Yes, yes, JACK : (TRIUMPHANT) It's a swallow . DENNIS : No . JACK : No? DENNIS : ~iNo . .,Does everybody give up? MARY : I do . DON : I give up . JACK : Me too . . .what is it? DENNIS : Walter Pidgeon . . 1 JACK : . . . . . Walter . . . . Walter Pidgeon,,,Dennis, how can you say he's a bird? DENNIS : I read in the paper where he just flew to New York . JACK : All right, Dennis,,, .you thought he was a bird because his name is pidgeon and he just flew to New York . . .but how can you say that he frequently goes to Capistrano? DENNIS : His mother lives there . JACK : Dennis, that's the silliest thing I ever heard . MARY : Jack, it's your turn now . JACK : I know, and I've got a good one . . .You'11 never guess this one . . .Co ahead, all you smart guys, start guessing . JON : Okay, Jack . . .is it animal, mineral, or vegetable? JACK : Animal . 4ARY : Is it alive? JACK : YeL.~ DENNIS : A human being? AT}S 0 1 0184858 . JACK : Yes. DON : Has it got a mustache? JACK : Yes.4 MARY :y~ Bald? JACKN^^~~ "rYe2,~C . ~a DEPAII3 : I got it . . .iW %VWWL couldn't be . JACK : Wait, Denurb, . .who were you thinking of? DENNIS : My girl, but you don't know her . JACK : Oh fine . . .Now come on,Vkids, put on your thinking caps . DON : Let'e see . . .he'a a man with a moustache . .is he in show business? JACK : Yes . >fARY : Does ,qhe make pictures? JACK : Yes .ti bON : ft 0he of his pictures currently showing? JACK : ]ft .Z(.~- M4RY : I know . . .he's Hexman Quigley the assistant cameraman on . ;:r'.& Humphrey Bogart's newplcture "Beat The Devil" . JACK : (AMAZED) Gee, that's right -- but how in the world did you ever guess Herman Quigley? MARY : It was obvious . '^-- JACK : Obvious? MARY : Yes.~,~,juat before you vent to New York, you ran into him at the Brown Derby, he had forgotten his wallet, you loaned him a dollar and a half, and he's been on your mind ever since . .ACK : Yeah . . .Gee, I hope he pays me back the money . . .Look, his watch doesn't even keep good time . arxo 1 0 184 e 59 -5- o you mean ? JACK : It's your turn, Don . DON : O,k, You better skip me for a few minutes . . .I want to go back to my compartment and see if the porter took all the dishes out . 4 JACK : Don . .Why is it whenever we're on a train, you never eat in the diner, you always have your meals served in your compartment . DON : My wife makes me do that . JACK : Why? DON : She doesn't want people .to see what a pig I am . JACK : Oh . . .Well, hurry back, Don, so we can continue with the game . DON : Okay . . . (SOUND : COMPAR'IIUEN}' DOOR OPENS & CLOSES ) JACK : (WHISPERING) Hey kida-,4}I(•'•m glad Don's gone . . .I've got a ~~~' ~~~~'~'~~i~ck i want to play on him . DENIYIS :~' What is it? JACK : Well, you know Don . . .he's always thinking about Lucky Strike . . .so when we play the game again, and it's his turn, he's sure to pick Iuckies . . . and we'11 make believe we can't guess it . 'MARY: What makes you so sure he'll pick Dack,p Strikes4 JACK : Because he never thinks of anything else . . .In fact, when be went on his honeymoon, he registered at the hotel as Don Wilson and Cigarette . . .So remember . . .when he comes back, we'll trick him . AiS{01 018 4 86 0 -6- DENNIS : Gee, Mr . Benny . . .do you think that's much fun? JACK : You mean tricking Don? DENNIS : No, going on a honeysoon with a .cigarette . JACK : ~,Oh, keep quiet . (80UND : DOOR BUZZER)JACK : 7~71 That's him . . .now don - t.forget, kids . . .(UP) COME IN . (SOUND : COMPARTMENT DOOR OPENS & CLOSES) JACK : Oh, it's B~obr ~Croosby . BOB : Yiya, Jac~':y.Dennije. . .Hello, Mary . A o JACK : Say, Bob . . .vhere've you been keeping yourself? BOB : Oh, I've been in theJiounge with Bagby, Fletcher and some of the other boys in the band . . .We'replay'ing a game called Two Questions . JACK : No .no,Bob . . .you mean twenty questions . BCB : No, tvo eations . . .Ginger Ale or Straight . JACK : ould have known . . .I haven't seen Bagby since he fell off at Kansas City . BOB : Coming or going? JACK : Oh, he fell off going, too? B9B MARY : Well, at least Bagby got back on . Remley missed the train entirely in Chicago . BOB : ~~,Well~y~can blame that on Jack's program . JACK :~V^^'My program? 4 CL ATH 0 1 0184861 BOB : Yeah, they keep singing "Be Aappy, Go Iucky", and Remley overdoes it . JACK : Well look, Bob, whether ha over-does it or not, as soon as we arrive in Los Angeles, we're going right to the studio for rehearsal, and if be isn't tYere, I'm going to dock him two weeks salary . BOB : (J,~You 6an't scare Rem with that kind of stuff~ he comes from a 7 very wealthy family . . JACK didn't know that BOB : VA , s father made a fortune growing sweet potatoes . ILI JACK : SweetYpotatoes? BOB : He's got the biggest yam plantation in Texas . DENNIB : Oooh, what he sald! JACK : He said Yam! llENNIS : Oh . " BOB : '47Jack, I've been)neaning to ask you . . . Why have you got that black band on your arm? JACKi/•ATOmorrow is March Fifteenth BOB : Ch yes . . By the way, Jack, do yw make out your own income tax return every year? . ACK : No no, my business manager makes it cut and,tmings lt up to the hospital and I sign it . . . Inciden ly, Bob, it's none of my business, t I've often won ed . . .how much income tax does Bing pay the rnme OB : Well, Jack, I don't know, s a matter of fact, the government doesn't eve ow . 4ACK : What do you mean, government doeen - E I o,ow? L CL fl TH 0 1 0 1848 6 2 -8- BOB : When inR.gends his money in they don't c they jus BOB : Well, I better get back and check on tho fellows . .'ll see y~,o,,u~~a~ll laterf~ ~ hcong, Bob . (SOUND : COMPARiTENT DOOR OPENS & CLOSES) JACK : Now Dennis, while we're Naiting for Don, how about letting I us hear the song you're gonna do on next Sunday's show . DENNIS : A11 right . . .But I'd like to dedicate the song to my girl . JACK : Your girl? Okay, Bslwh•. . .vhet's the name of the songDENNIS : "How Are You Fixed For Blades" . JACK : Nov cut that out . . .and just do your song . DENNIS : Okay . (APP .LAUSE) (DENNIS'S SONG) (APPIAUSE) CL ATX01 0 184 9 63 -9- (ssco~rm~ RoDTI ) ~,.-~y ..,TOl~ Ga 4 JACK~'1 waswery good, Dennls ;, A0 I know on the ehow Sunday . DENNIS : Don~t be eo eure . Why not? I'm having my tonsils out Saturday-nlght ./ Satuxday night? Dennis, are your tonails/infeoted2 ` 1 ~ENNIS : No . ~ ACK : 1, has your throat been sore? ~ NNIS : No . ACK : Have you b n oatching oolds? ENNI3 : No . ACK : Then why are you ving y r tonalls out? ENNIS : A doctor friend of m ia coming over and I don ' t know ho to entertain him . JACK: What? DENNIS : Iast time he to out uq appe Sx . JACK : Dennis,,, iDENNIS : If he keeps coming over, there wo n!t be anything left, ~ IJACK : Dennis, there's no sense continuingthia silly conversatlon j with you so why don ' t you just -- (SOANDDOOR BUZZEft) ~/ JACK : (NHISPERS) ~-oh, kids, that must be Don ember/th trick we ' re going to play on him . - DENNIS : J~at is~~i.wt again? JACK :°~,(j.~When it~e h1s turn, obody guesa tha'~tS'b''Ys Lucky Strike-s,-,/~~ COME IN . (SOUID : COMPARTbffi9T DOOR OPENS & CLOSES) prx 01 01 e 48 e 4 ..v..._~.. .a6a+~+m_~1ptly .>kfY•;M .Pavr.im DON : Hi, kids, aiew you still playing Twenty Questions? JACK: Yes, Don . .and you're just in time . . .it's your turn . DON ; ~~A Good, .I've already got something in~m ni d . ./.S tart guessing . - -~~~ JACK : Okay . . . :is it a living thing? DON : No . MARY: Is it a manufactured axTkicle? DON : Yes . ~ DENNIS : Does its mother live n Ca no? JACK: Dennis, don't waste ationa . DON: That's not a ted question . .it's lso found in Capistrano . JACK : Oh, really . . .Well, tell me, Don . (WHISPIIi9) Get this, Msry '. . . .(UP) Don, is this thing you're thinking of nearly three inches long, about a Fslf/ inch thick and white in color? DON : (EKCITID) Yes, yes . MARY : Is it round and firm and fully packed? DON : ,gYd.e,.,s~yeys~. ~'s amazing the way you people are guessing it . ilENNIg : Is t free add easy on the draw? ~ . DON : Yes, yes, . .now come(coma on, you're getting warm, you're getting warm . DENNIS : An electric blanket . DON : No . ~ JACK: Gee .f I thought-it was an electric blanket, too, . .Didn't you Mary? M4Rl: Yeah. JACK: Well, look, Dan . .1s this thing you're-irllig about associated with the letters , L .S .M.F .T .? DON : Yes yes yes yes, that's it, yes . ~ JACK: Now let's see --- BG HTH 0 1 0184865 (-, MAftY : Gee, this Ss too hard, I give up . DENNIS : I do, too . JACK : Me, too . DON : Oh, for heaven's sakes, kLi~d,s, how can you possibly give up when you're so close? . .~We7n you guessed IM it was almost three inches long, ar white in color, I was sure you knew what it was . 4 JACK: Well, we don't, Don . .Do we, Mary? . . Come on, tell us what t 1s . DON : (MAD) Oh, all right . .it's a piece of chalk : ...... A . . .A: . piece of chalk . . . . Don Wilson,. JACK you were thinking of a Lucky Strike and you know it . DON : No, I wasn't, Jack . JACK : Now wait a minute, 1ns. .I'll admit that chalk is white and can be three inches long . .I'll also admit that it's round and firm and fully packed . .But how in the name of Dorothy Collins are the letters L .S .M.F .T . associated with a piece of chalk? DON : But they are, Jack . .L S M F .T~-STAPID FOR LEIBOWITZ, SANDERS, MacINTYRC, FINLS,Y ANI) TL•TTLCBAUM, Tfli BIOCfFST CHALK MAPNFACTURAL4 IN THE WORLD : JACK : ...... Hmtmmuimm : (IAt1GHINQ) You're not msd,. DON are you, Jack? JACK : No no, Don1Tn fact, I've~'got to give you credlt . .You've got a lot of bralns . .but then it takes a lot to fill that big fat head of yours . . . . Chalk makers . . . MARY : ~/ , Come on, let's get on with the gama . .Whose turn is it now? f?TH01 01 8 4 8 66 -12- Y _fACK : Nobody's . .I'm not playing any more . .I'm going to the club C - oar and read for awhile . . .See you later . (SOUND : COMPARTMENT DOOR OPIIVS i: CLCSLS . .LSCRiT TRAIN NOIS7S) - ACK : Hm. .The largest chalk manufacturers in the world . .Don j ust made that up (SOUPID ; TRAIN NHISTLD) tACK ; Leibowitz, Sanders, MacIntyre, Finley, and Teitlebaum . . . . That's almost as far-fetched, ~a~s Baton, Barton, Durstine end Little Old Osborne . . .(SIN(3S)'wB hae~ppy, go Lucky . . be hap _(SOUPID : DOOR OPEETIS, LOUD TRAIN NOISE4 IIP , .DOOR . `, . . CIASFS fACK : Lucky strike today . . . . . HeY, we'11 be in Albuquerque soon . J~ ,That'11 be a hundred andtwenty-six dollars worth of my ticket used up . . .(SINGS) Be p, go Luodidn't think the club car was so i\ip .;uh, pardon me, lady . LORIA : Why certainly . . .Say ./Wo-Jacck Benny, aren't you? ACK: lORL4 : Mr . B3nny . .would you mind autographing this magazlne for my grandaughter? ~GC ACK: Your grandaughter? I;is be glad to . . .There you are . . .Are you going to Los Angeles? FLORIA : Yes, I'm going to visit my son in Beverly Hil1s . . .Perhaps you know him . .he's a competitor of yours . TACK : Oh, is he a comedian? iLORIA : No, he owns a laundry . ~ . JACK : Oh. Hrss 01 01e 4 e6 ? -13- GLORIA : He's an awfully good boy . .He's having me come all the way out from Chicago just to celebrate my birthday . . .That's tomorrow . , ~/ .7. f,H„~ P!!. -- JACK: Oh, how nice .!L~ old will you be? GLORIA : Thirty-nine . JACK : Oh, you're teasing me~~-l-~ GLORIA: Yes, I am . . .I'm really seventy-two . 11 JACK : 7 v! Then wt y1do- you tell people you're thirty-nine? GLORIA : It gets laughs . JACK: [J~-,Oh, I see . a. R- GLORIA : Well, goodbye .f .thanks for the autograph . JACK: You're welcome . .Goodbye , GLORIA : That's u~y fountai pen . JACK : .~74, Oh, I'msor . re you are . . Gee,ibr an old lady, she' s got eyes like a hawk . . .(SINGS) Be happy, Go Lueky ._4~,a (SOUAID : DOOR OPENS . .TRAIN NOISES UP LOUD . .DOOR CLOSEi . .SOUfID TO B .G. ) JACK : Lucky Strike today . ROCH : YEAH, CALIFORNIA IS SURE A NICE PLACE TO I .SVE, SAM. JACK : Oh-oh, there's Rochester . .He's in there talking to the porter . .I'm going to stay here ¢nd listen to this . ROY: How long have you been working for Mr . Benny, Rochester? 20CH : TWELVE YEARS, SIX MONTHS, AND FOURTEEN W .E,u~ [t5 . 10Y: )OHow come you know the time so exaotly ? 7CCH: MY FRIEND, WHEN YOU'RE IN MR. BENNY'S EMPLOY, YOU DON'T GEP MONEY, YOU GET SERVICE STRIPIS . AT9{ 0 1 ca ' iea.aEa Y ~ . ROY : Well, Rochester . .if he ain't paying you much, why don't you leave him? ROCH: 0H, I'D NEVER LEAVE MR. BETlNY . .H6VIAY HA .U.E HIS FAULTS . .BUT DEEP DOWN INSIDE HE'S THE ISINDPST DLAN I KNOW, ROY: Really? ROCH: YEAH. .I'LL NEVER FORGEf R7E TIME I HAD PNFUMONIA . . I WAS SO a SICK, .FOR A FULL WEEEC I HAD/HUNDAE9 A]'ID FIVE FEYER. . .AND ALL THAT TIME MR . BIIJNY STAYFD RIGHT WITH ME .,FID ME, AND NURSEO ME : No kidding?. ROY ROCH: AND THEN AT TWO 0'CLOCK ONE FfORNING, I PASSED THE CRISIS, MY .. FEVER BROKE, AND MY TEbffLRATURE W13JT DOWN TONQiMAL . .viP. .BENNY . LOOKED AT ME, SMILED, AND SAID, "ROCHhSTER, YOU'RE GONNA BE e,+ ALL RIGHT ." . . .T}EN HE YAN[',ED ME OUL OF BED AIm SHOVID A BROOM IN MY HAND, _-weee) ROY: You know, Rochester, . .thia isn't the first time Mr . Benny's been on one of my cars . .I've made the trip with him cross country several times . . .Man, it's morder . ROCH: I KNIXJ . ROY : Oh, I don't mind the fact that he don't tip much, but whenever he's aboard, the train is always fifteen or twenty ~ minutes latej A couple of years aGo he insisted that the train make an unscheduled stop at Newton, Kansas . .Then once 22 he made us stop for half an hour at Gallop, New Mexlco . .Once \ he set the Super Chief back a whole hour when he Cot off at Trinidad, Colorado . . .And this .trip I heard him tell the conductor to make another unscheduled stop . BG Hr 901 0 16 4 1369 -15- ROCH : AT FLAGSTAFF, ARIZONA . ROY : Yeah, yeah. .Has he got relatives Sn all those places? ROCH : NO, BANK ACCOUNTS . JACK : (I wish he wouldn't discuss my private affairs .) ROY : Rochester, I can't understand why Mr . Benny keeps saving his money like that . . .He's not married . .he's got no family . . No children . .Who is he gonna leave it to? 0. ROCP. : WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE'S GONNA LEAVE IT? JACK : ROCHEBTERI ROCH : HUH3dpH, B6Li.0, Boss . G2t~ .r.C- 7L~--~ JACK : 'ROChester, I heard what you were saying, and if you don ' t behave yourself, you ' re not gonna get that new gold stripe this year . . . .Now I : 11 be up in the club car in case you want to 8ee me . . ROCH: YES SIR . ~SOUPUI : TRAIN WHISTLES . .LIGHT TRAIN NOISES) JACK: Gee, I had a good time in New York . . Irlooked up all my old friends . .ate in those wonderful restaurants .jNX my sponsor was so nice to me . aYl, I spent over twenty minutes in his office . . est he let me sit down this time . .He's a nice guy . . (SINGS) Be happy . .go Luoky . .Be happy -- (SQIIND : DOOR OPENS . .LOUD TRAIN NOISES . .DOOR OLOSES . .NOISES DOWN) ATH 01 01848' 0 -16- JACK: Lucky Strike today . . .Oh, look at that cute little boy . . . (UP) Hello, little boy . HARRY : Hello, Mister . JACK : What's your name? . . HARRY : My name is---Sayl Aren't you Jack Benny? JACK : Why yes . .yes, I am . HARRY : I recognized you from your television show . JACK: Really? HARRY : Uh huh . . .I saw that one with Liberace and it was great when you played your violin . . .Thanks very much . JACK ; Thanks .~~ :. You're thankir, me for playing the violin? HARRY : Yeah, the next day my a let me stop taking lessons . JACK : f5mroo . . . . We1l, goodbye, little boy . HARRY : Goodbye, Mr . Benny•and thanks again : You're welcome, youtre welcome . . JACK (SOUND: DOOR CPENS . . .TRAIN NOISES UP . . . - DOOR CLOSES . . . . NOISFS OUT) JACK: Gee, the club car is crowded . . .Oh, there's a vacant seat next to that man over there . . .PSccuse me, Mister, do you mind if I ait -here? HAL :~, 4,N0 NO NO, NOT AT ALL . . . .GLAD TO HAVE COMPANY . JACK: ~itGZThank you . (Well, here's a late newspaper . . .I think I'll--) HAL : Sure is exciting out on the road . .I'm travelling for Watson's Woolen Underwear . JACK: Watson's . . .Woolen. . .Undervear? TB flT?{01 0 1848 ;1 7 HAL : Sure, you must have heard of us . .we advertise on the radio . . . (SINGS TO TUNE OF PEPSICOLA JINGI,E) Watsons Woolens fit you snug, Keep you warm as a bug in a rug, One flap button instead of two, Watsons Woolens are the buy for you, Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, ~~ tickle, tickle . JACK : Oh yes ) . .I know that program . . .it features Spade Cooley and his Itchy Seven . . .How t s business? HAL : Not so good . .was even bad in Chicago last week . . .Chicagofs always been a great underwear tawn. . .Windy City, you know . (LAUGHS) JACK: HAL : Yep, was in Chicago Just two days ago, .walked into a buyer of Bon Ton Department store, spread entire line aaaall ov Z his office, and he woul even look at it . JACK: Too bad . , HAL : The buyer said to me, it w,a(soo old fashloned . .That t s the trouble with the world .~too much progress . I used to carry a line of under,r/ear and\ all they were interested in was whether they d small flaps or large flaps . .but today, they want to w whether theytve got sixteen or twenty-inch screen . JACK : Times have changed . HAL : Yep, from flannels to channels . TB RT>S 0 1 01948,72 -18- JACK : I know what you mean. HAL : Oh, are you ina ar, too? JACK : Not today, itts-pa warm . . .Have you been in the underwear business very long, Mister---- Mister--- HAL : March . JACK : Mr . March, have you been in the underwear business very long? ii HAL :No, just a few months . Iused to travel for the firm of Leibowitz, Sanders, Maclntyre, Finley and Teitlebaum . JACK : Oh yes, the chalk manufacturers . HAL : Hey, you've been around . JACK : Oh, I-ve travelleda bit . .Well, so long, Mr . March . \ HAL : So long . . .enjoyed talking to you. .and donIt forget . . . (SINGS) Watson's woolens fit you snug . ep/ o warm as a bug in a rug . ~One..~~° flap.~`~ button instead of two, Watsons Woolens are the buy for you . . Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle . JACK : Gee, what an eager beaver . (SCUND : DOOR OP}3QS . . .TRAIN NOISES UP . .. DOOR CL4SES . . .NOISES OUT) JACK : Well, I think I'll go to bed . We arrive in Los Angeles so early . ROCH : YEAH. .NO DOUBT ABOUT TT . .YOU SURE HAVE AN INTERESTING JOB, SAM . L JACK : (IEnm, Rochester's still talking to that porter) ROY :you're right, Rochester, I've been across the continent ` J over a hundred times . TB HTX01 018467,3 -19- ROCH : GOSH, YOU MUST KNOW EVERY INCH OF IT . ROY : Yeah, and America's an amazing country . .It has Harlem on the East Coast ; Central Avenue on the West Coast .and all that waste in between . ROCH ; AIN'T IT THE TRGTH . . .WEi3„ SAM . . .DON'T FORGEP OUR DATE . .THE FIRST SATURDAY NIGHC R7R YOU'RE IN LOS ANGELFS, WE'LL GO OUT WITH THOSE TWO GIRL FRIENDS OF YOURS . ROY : Okay . ROCH: FIRST WE I LL HAVE DINNIIi . . .AND THIN WE'LL TAKE THBM TO THE HOLLYWOOD BUrlL . ROY : But Rochester, this time of .the year therets nothing going on at the Hollywood Bowl . ROCH : WE'LL CHANGE THAT : Oh, Ro~nc~hester---- . JACK ROCH: HGH? /;~xES, BOSS . JACK: I'm going to bed . .Meke sure that my luggage is all ready when I get off i%A*..d.4}ier tomorrow . ROCH : I WILL . . .GOODNIGHP, BOSS . JACK : Goodnight . ROY : Oh, Mr . Benny? JACK : Yea.°= ROY : Are you gonna get off at Loe Angeles or Pasadena? JACK : Pasadena, I always get a bigger reception there . Goodnight . ROY : Goodnight . (APPLAUSE . AND PLAYOFF) • TB arx 01 0 1 e 48,14 e -20- (HIGHWAY SAFETY ALLOCATION) JACK ; Lsdies and gentlemen, here's a reminder from the National Highway Safety Council . When driving, remember that courtesy is contagious . The careful driver always considers the careless driver . The Golden Rule applies An driving, too . Drive as you would have the other fellow drive . And please remember, when you're in y3ur car, be a wise driver -- not a wise guy . Thank you . APPLAUSE DON : Jack will be back in just a minute . But first, do you remember the winner of last year's $25,000 Tam O'Shanter golf tournament, Lou Worsham? Here he is to get a word in wedge-wisel A rx 01 0,1 e 4 a,5 (TAG) -21- ~SOUfID: FOOTSTEPS . .iSEY IN IACK„DpOR OPEN3) JACK : Well, Rochester, here we are home again, ROCH : YEAH, HlAE . FOUR WEEKS IS A IANO TIME . JACK: Believe me ~I Qot sick and tired eating at those restaurants . i~iicsg."6od ~home a@W . I'm a little hungry. How about a nice home-cooked meal? ROCH : OKAY, BOSS, I ' LL DO IT RIGHP NOW . JACK : Good, what are you going to fix me? ROCH : WELL, IfLL FIX YOU SOME VEAL CVtIETS WITH SOUR CREAM . . .A SIDE DISH OF ASPARGAUS WITH SOUR CREAM . .A NICE SAKED POTATO WITH CHIVES AND SOUR CREAN . .APID FOR DESSERT, STRAWBERRIES AND SOUR CREAM . JACK : ytrSfi~~~, Rocheeter, why does everything have to have sour cream? ROCH : WHEN WE y'L~P~T, I FORGOT TO STOP THE MILK . JACK : Gir ...ly ,ye11, go ahead and fix it . . . Goodnight, folks, APPIAUSE) RTx01 0184e76 _z2_ DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Go2don, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike product of the American Tobacco Company . . . America ' s leading manufacturer of cigarettes . ~ MG RT}lO1 U184877 PROGRAM #28 RE/I~ISE/D~SCRIPT~ ~ 4~1-vi%~1~nfe .d.l.O"vJ THE AMF72ICAN TOBACCO COMPANY 73JCKY BTRDSH THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAY, MARCH 21, 1}954 CBS 4 :00 - 4 :30 PM PST (TRANSCRIDED, Mnxox 18, 195 4 ) 4 DH Nrx 0 1 0184878 THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM -A- MARCH 21, 195 4 (TRANSCRIBED: MARCH I8, 1954) OPENING COMIMERCIAL WILSON : THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM . . . Transcribed and presented by Lucky Strikel COLLINS : Luckies taste betterl CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother : COLLINS : Luckles taste betterl CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better : CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smootherl . Lucky Strike : Lucky Striket WIISON : This is Don Wilson, friends . You know, recently a cigarette ad appeared in a well-known national magazine . Perhaps you saw St . Near the top of it were the words : "I don't have to smoke Luokies ." Those were the words of the man whose picture was in the ad -- Mr . Robert Montgomery whose TV show is aponsored by Lucky Strike . In the ad, Mr . Montgomery said that there was nothing in his contract that said he had to smoke Luckies . He smoked , them - and had for years - because he liked the way they taste . That makes sense . Smoking en~oyment is all a matter of taste . And as Mr . Montgomery - and many million : of other smokers will tell you - Luckies taste better . (MCRE) DH prx 01 0184 e ? 9 THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM _B_ MARCH 21, 1954 (TRANSCRIBED: MARCH 18, 1954) OPENING COMMERCIAL (CONT'D) Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Taste better because they're made with fine, naturally mild tobacco . And they're made round and firm and fully packed . Made to taste better . Just remember that the next time you buy cigarettes, and ask for a pack of Lucky Strike . You'll a find Luckies give you real anwkinx enjoyment because they do taste better . COLLINS : Luckies taste betterL CHORU5 : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother : Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! Hrx 0 1 0 184 ee0 (FIReT ROUTINE) -I- 1". (AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCHFSTER, DEMVIS DAY, BOB CROSBY AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPIAUSE . . .MUSIC DON : IADIEi AND GENTLEMEN, TONIGFfI' JACK BENNY Lt7ES ANOTHER TELEVISION SHOW WITH HIS GUFST STARS BING CROSBY AND GEORGE BURNS . . .BUT F]EANWfIILE, LEP'S GO OUT TO JACK'S HOUSE IN BEVERLY HILT.~g . I KNOW HE'3 HOME IF YOU' FOId,OW ME, WE'LL GO IN AND PAY JACK A VISIT . (SOUND : DOOR OPEN4) ~ ELVIA : (ANGRILY) . .And you needn't ask me to leave because you're going to sit there and listen to what I've got to sayt DON : OH-OH, WE BEPTER NOT GO IN . . .THEStE SEM TO BE SOME SORT OF A COMNOTION GOING ON . ELVIA : I haven't told you half what's on my mind,,,and believe me, I'm talking for everybody in this neighborhood . When you first moved in, we thought you were a nice, gentle, kindly old man . . .but before we knew it, you had the mortgages on all our houses . Oh, I don't blame you for not saying anything . . .all you can do is sit there with your mouth open . And why? . . . because even you know that that last trick you pulled was the cheapest, most abominable thing anybody ever did . Imagine, putting a woman with seven children out on the sidewalk because she missed one paymentl ~ JACK: Rochester, turn off OWradio . `4 RwH : YEB, SIR . DH R1"}{0 1 01 8 48 13 1 -2- RUBIN : (FILTER) You have just heard another episode of that thrilling story, "The Mean Old Man" . . . In tomorrow's episode, you wi11 near tne true (BOUND : CLiCK) JACK: Thanks, Rochester .. ROCH: I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU LISTEN TO THAT PROGRAM, BOSS, IT ` ALWAYB UPSETS '~0U .- p JACK : Well, I don't know where they get those fantastic ideas M+~w . Nobody can be that cheap . ~ ROCH : JACK : And that corny title . "The Mean Old Man' . It's ridiculous . (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) ROCH: I'LL GEP IT . (SOUND : RECEIVER UP) ROCH: MR . BENNY'S RESIDENCE . . . STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN, RADIO, TELEVISION, AND TFE,ONLY LAUNDRY SERVICE THAT -- HUH? . . . . OH OH OH . . H6J,Ip, MISSLIVINGSTONE . . .I AIAfOST WASTED A COMMERCIAL ON YOU . . .YEAH, I'LL PUT HIM ON . IT'S MISS LIVINGSTONE, BOSS . JACK : Thanks . Hello, Mary, how do you feel? What? A hundred? Mary, that's awful . . .thatAk . .Oh, your temnerature, I thought you meant the doctor bill . Anyway, I'm glad you're feeling better . . .And Mary -- What? Oh, you're welcome, *=P • . .I'm glad you enjoyed it . . . . I'Il call you tomorrow . . . Goodbye . (SOUND : R%pEIVER DOWN) ROCH : WHAT DID SHE THADIlC YOU b'OR, BOSS? ~ DH Hr 901 0 184882 -3- ' JACK: Well, eve0ybody has been sending her flowers and fruit and ~ candy .~f•g~-^so~I thought I'd be a little different . ROCH: WHAT DI'D YOU SEND HER? JACK : A bowl of chili . . .It's good in this nippy weather . . . Anyway, it looks like Miss Livingstone will be back on the program next week . Fa'1R5= 40D'DO1P''Rr43EED ME NO GO IN T Z ' LIBRARY AND FINISH WORKING ON YUR SCRAP BOOK . JACK : Oh, fine fine . . . You know, one of my biggest thyills is when I show my scrap book to people : I KNOW, THAT'S\WHY I PUT THE PICTURE . ~ ROCH OF /gOU SHAKING HANLS,. WITH PR6IDEN'i' EI WER RIGHT ON THE FRONT COVER . 'i JACK: Good, good . What's n the back cov ? ROCH : AN AD, YOU SOLD THE SP E TO HEVITZES WINE . JACK : Oh yes . . . .Well, Rocheste pa e that picture of ine playing` e the violin on the inside 0 er . . ROCH : I CAN'T, WE'VE GOT THAT FOR SERUTAN . JACK : Oh . ROCH: HEE HEE HEE HEE . \ JACK: What are you ughing at? ROCH: YOU'VE GOT HE ONLY SCRAP BOOK THAT~$ HANDLED BY BATTEN, BARTON, DUR3TINE, AND OSBORN . `~ JACK: Yeah . . .Well, you go in the 1lbrary and\paste all the reviews in my scrap book . - RMit• ]~li`S SIR (SOUND : DOOR BUZZER) JACK: I'll get it . (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) JACK : (HUMS LOVE IN BLOOM) (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) arK 01 01 e 4883 ..~~~+o-CcK : Well, hello, Mr . Brown . lA6(NIEEKLy) Hello, Nfi . Benny...... I'm sorry I'm three days late with the rent on our house . . . . but here it is . yJACcK : .,~Thank you . r.[~,By the way, Mr . Benny, our hot weter heater is leaking . . . do you think maybe you could hsve it fixed? ~4A,~-CeK. : Well . . . . plumbing costs are awfully high now . y I guess they are . . .but it's been months since you promised to peint the living room. JACK : Well --- ' 1 ~!~ I fixed the hole in the roof myself. JACK : Good . . . .good . Well, I guess I'll be running along . Goodbye, Mr . Benny. JACK: Oh, by the way, Yx . Brown, how's your wife? What's she doing now? . Oh, haven't you heard? . . .She writes that radio program. . . . The Mean Old M9n . JACK : Oh,I listen to it every day . Your wife has quite an imagination . ~ Yeah, yeah, imagination . ~J(,o4 C?K : Huh? ` Goodbye, bfi . Benny . JACK : Goodbye . (SOUND: DOO t CIASES . . . . . FOOTSTEPS) ROCH : WHO WAS IT, BOSS? JACK : Mr . Brown from IAng Beach . ROCH : OH . . . . Y(AJ KNOW, HE'S BEEN CO MPI4ININ} A LO NG TIME AB(APf A HOIE IN TFUv' ROOF . WA RTXO? O1B4BB4 -5- JACK : It's fixed, it's fixed . ROCH : 7l* , BOSS, I DON'T HEbW, MER YOU SENDING ANYONE IOylN TO FI8 IT . JACK: If I say it's fixed, it's fixed, If you don't believe me, Listen to tomorrow's episode and you'll find out . . .By the way, Rochester, has my television sr.ript arrived from C .B .S .? ROCH : NO, NOT YETf!I- JACK : Hmmmn . My director, Ralph Levy, will be here soon to go over it with me . . . . I V o nder what's holding it up . (SOUND : DOQt 9UZZER) JACK : Oh, that must be it now . . .,Come in. (SOUND : maR o FE NS) LENNIiZXello, Mr . Benny. JACK: Oh, it's you, IBnnis . Co m e on in . LENNIS :)9* ank you . (SOUND: DOWt CIASES) JACK : How do you feel, kid? LENMS : Fine, thanks, JACK: How are your folks? IENNIS : They're fine, too . JACK: That's good . LENNIS : Especially my father . . . . After six months they finally took the cest off his foot : In a cest for six months?. JACK Dennis, what was wrong with your father's foot? IM LENNIS : Nothing, he stepped iry e bucket of cement . WA 81, xo l 0 1 8 .1 8 85 -6- t „'-- -, ~ JACK: ~BRt, FOr heere® ., .Look, kid, I can understand your . qq j~ father stepping in a bucket of cement . . .. I can almost understand him standing there and letting the cement dry. ., but JMIJ9 . . .why would he keep it on his foot for six months? LENMS : My mother made him . JACK : What? LENMS : When he otayed out late at night, he couldn't tip-toel into the house . JACK : That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of . . .Imegine your mother making him keep his foot in a bucket for six months . LENIPffi : Two weeks ago it came in handy . JACK: How? IENMS!)WMi"oy were invited to a masquerade and pepe went as a potted palm . JACR: Look, kid - do me a favor, will you? IENNiS : Whet? JACK: As long as you've got your mwth open, sing, don't talk . IENMS : Okay . JACK : Thank you . (APPIAUSE) (IENPIISIS SOA4') "HBY BRCTHER, POUR THg W;CNE" (APPLAUSE) WA RTHO1 0 ' 18 4886 (SECOND EoUTINE) -'l- JACK : `~ I7ennis, that was ver? ." gooFl . DENNIS : Thank you . JACK : You know, I can - t undexsstand you, kid . . .You come in here a and talk .~.when you talk you soun3 so ridiculous . . .Then you sing . .and when you sing. . .you're a completely different person . . .What are you - a Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde? . DENNIS : Uh huh, and each one has his own show . JACK: What? DENNIS : The doctor is on another network . JACK: Gh yes . DENNIS : Well, so long, Mr. Benny : Goodbye, kid . . JACK DENNIS : Oh say, Mr . Benny : . . JACK : What now? DENNIS : Can I have your permission to do a guest spot tomorrow on a dramatic program? JACK : Dramatic program? . . . . What's the name of it? DENNIS : The Mean Old Man . JACK: Hmm . DENNIS : They've got a wonderful part for me where I fix a bole in the roof . JACK ;yk~Do it, do it, goodbye . :1y (SOUND : DOOR SIAM.9 . . .ROC/PSTEPS) JACK ; OH, RCCtd:STER -- JACK : Are you sure my television script hasn,t arrived? ROCH: NOT YET . MG pT}i 0 1 0164 88 7 JACK : Well, I'm gonna call C,B,S . and see what-a holding it up . (SWND: RECEIVER UP . . .DIAIS . .INNER HJZZ . . .FADE TO BUZZ OF SWITCHBCARD . . .PU7G IN) BFA ; C .B.S ., The stars address . . .What? . . .A11 right, all right, you don't have to shout, The line is busy now . . .hold on . . SHIRLEY : Who is it, Gertrude? BEA : Jack Benny . He wants I should get him the mimeograph q department . SHIRLEY: So why were you so~ f~r7,es~h with him? BEA : Why was I so freshAft him : The other night he called and asked me if he could pick me up and take me dancing at the Mocambo~ Then he got mad because when he called for me I was wearing my overalls . SHIRLEY : Well, I don't blame him for being mad . Why would you wear overalls to the Mocambo? BEA : Who gets to the Mooambo, I always wind up fixing his car . SHIRIEY: Well, you're better off than I am . BE4 : Why? - , SHIRLEY : I'm not mechanical minded, I have to get out and push . BEA : l,#ave you been out with Jack lately? SHIRLEY: Yeah, two weeks ago . ., He took me to a night club, we sat at a corner table, the lights were low, and he got so romantic . BEA : What did he do? SHIRLEY: He had the waiter fill my slipper with champagne . BEA : Gosh, three quarts . . . .Did he drink it? SHiRLEY : Yeah, he stuck a strew through the open toe . L FiTH01 0 764 8 8B -9- BEA : Gee, you must have/the happiest feet in town, SHIRLEY: Yeah, but you know what Iive been thinking,, .maybe we shouldn't be so fussy about men . HEA : . I guess you're right . After all, wetre not getting any younger . SHIRLEY: Speak for yourself, John, I'm only twenty-three . EFA : Twenty three ; Then how did you get that medal for sticking to your switchboaxd during the San Francisco Fire? SHIRLEY : It wasn-t me . . .I never . . .I mean., .Oh, why should I lie,, . you were there . (SWND : JIGGLING HOOK, .,CISCK) LiEA : Yes? . . . I-m sorry, Mr . Benny, the line is still busy . ., Your television script?.'1-PY1 tell them, .,Gcodbye, (SLUND: RECENER DOrJN) JACK : That mimeograph department drives me nuts . That script should have been here~ ~ ~ - (SOUND : DOGR B JZZER) JACK: Oh, maybe that ' s it . . .COME IN? (SQ7ND : DOOR OPEP6) JACK : Oh, hello, Don . DON: (DGr7N) Hello, Jack . JACK : Don, what's the matter? DON : (DOWN) Oh, nothing,,,nothing, 4 MG arx 01 07 04 ee9 -10- Y. JACK : Now, Don, don't try to kid me,, .there's something bothering you,, .What is it? DON : Oh, it's the Sportsmen Quartet ., .they're mad at me . JACK : The four of them? DON : Yesp,they're outsidee and they won't come in because I'm here . JACK : Well, that's ridiculous, (SCUND : COUPLE FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS) JACK: CCME ON IN, FELLOr]S . (SWND: FOOTSTEPS . . . DOOR CLOSES) JACK : Hello, boys . QUART : HM[M41MM . DON : Hello, boys ., .(PAUSE)- . . .41sefee, they won't talk to me . JACK : Yeah . DON : And -tiapubgre- such a wonderful idea for next week's ooo mercial, haven't you, boys? JACK: . . ., Have you? QUART : }pMMP44 . JACK : Well, this is the silliest thing I've ever heard,, .Don, why are they mad at you? DON : (UP) They found out that you pay me more money than you pay them . JACK : Well, that's a fine thing to be mad about . DON : Now wait a minute, Jack, I think they've got a point there . . But Don, you should get more money than the .quartet . Y~V en with me twenty years . DON: But Jack, sentiment rr~E enter into it . After all, there are four o MG A r 801 01 e 4 e 90 JACK: But Don, every year you'Vb-He@`n pick tanding announcer. DON : I know, ;rd too, and I'believe that they should get thInme salar I et JACK: Well, Don, if you feel that strongly about it,there should be an "stment .,,How much am I paying the quartet now? DON : A hundred dollars a week . JACK: Gh.,,We11, Don, if it will make you feel better, starting next week, II11 out you down to the same . . okay? DON: (VERY HAPPY) Thanks, Jack, that solves the whole thing, .,now there won't be any more trouble, JACK : . . .It's amazing that I didn-t think of that myself . . . Well, Don, now that it's all settled, what-s this song the boys have? DON: Well, Jack this is the first time they ' ve seen you since you got back from New York, and they ' ve rehearsed a special greeting for you . JACK : A-3}rtY greeting for me? DON: Ye1,/- . Sing it to him, fallows . MG pT 90 1 0 184841 -12- QUART : HELLO, HELLO . ALL DAY LONG WE JUMP AND RUN ABQ1T SURELY YOU HAVE HEARD US SHOUTING CUT BELLO, BLUE EYF5 NOW WEILL ALL BE EATING ONCE AGAIN EVERY WEEK WE I LL EARN A DOLLAR TEN HELLO, BLUE EYES . . . DID YQJR COON SKIN COAT REEP YOU WARM DID YOUR NEW EAR MUFFS HELP IN THAT STORM NOW YW'RE HOME, WE'RE FEELING FINE AGAIN PLF.ASE DON'T ROAM, BE 39 AGAIN HELLO, BIIJE EYES, HELLO WE ' VE DONE EVERYTHING THAT YOU ASK WE PLOWED UP YQJR LAWN AS YOU I VE SEEN WE RAKED AND WE HOED THEN WE PL4NPED IN ROWS THE COFFEE YQ7 SENT, EVERY BEAN WE WORKED FRCNI MORN TILL NIGHT AND THEN A LUCKY WE WWYD LIGHT WHAT A THRILL TO HF.ARTHE NEIGHBORS SHOUT WHEN WE'D PULL THAT PACK OF INCKIFS OUT OH BOY, LUCKIES ROUND AND FIRM AND OR S0 FULLY PACKED UlCKIES ALWAYS PLEASE AND THAT'S A FACT HELLO, UJCKUES CLEANER, FRESFER, MUCH SMOOPHER, TOO AND IJJCKIE9 TASTE MUCH BEPTER IT'S TRUE PEOPLE GO FOR ISMFP PEOPLE KNCW THAT THEY ARE SURE TO BE HAPPY WITH UJCKIE9 THAT'S WHY WE'RE SAYING BE HAPPY GO IUCKY STRIKE TODAY (APPLAUSE) _ ., ATX01 0164892 -13- (THIRD ROVPIT~.)'"'"` ~„~,,Q . • • . ~,,~µ+n JACK :' / That was - ; fellows,( . .Say,'Don, now I'd like to hear the number they're going to do on~'MI® Sunday ca~c.Ya, - • DON : Jack, the sportsmen can't waYt no .~They~ `re appearing at the Statler Hotel here in Los Angeles and they have to get over there rehearse some new numbers . JACK : Oh . . well, I'm going to drop in this week and se ou ellows . . . And by the way, I hope you're t mad at Don anymore . \ DON : I'm sure they're not, , and ks again`for making that adjuetment . \, JACK : You're welcome, Don . . .a I'm s you won't haye any more I7~Q,Np~• y~ ( APpY~ Sp long, Jack . ' U($OUND.~••7C`~ : DOOR C7IJSES . . .FDOTSTEPS) - JACK : (RCMS) I donI t want no riccxhet romance, I donI t . want no riccochet love . . Da da da da da (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS STOP) JACK: . . . . .Well, I saved a little money by cutting Donla salary . . .but I lost a little, too . After all, I'm his agent . . .Oh we11 . . .A! let's see . . .ON, ROCAESTER R QCIQ~ • V JACK : gw I'd like you to take the car and pick up my suit at the cleaners . Arx 0 1 0 1e 4093 , ROCH : BVT BOSS, WE HAVENI T HAD THE MAXWELL ALL WEEK . JACK : We haven't? ROCH : NO, DON'T YOU REN EMEER . . .YOU TOID ME THAT ANYTIME THE MOVIE STUDIOS WANTED TO RENT IT, I SHOULD LET TH6S1 HAVE IT . JACK: Oh, so you rented it. . What picture is it going to be in? ROCH: BEN HUR . JACK: What? ROCH: IT COMES IN SECOND IN A CHARIOT RACE : Second, eh? . . . . Gosh, I h,o~p.e~~ they don't. JACK whip it too hard . . . Well, you have to take ~~~w- ^- - (SOUfID : DOOR BUZZER) JACK : Rochester, someone's at the door : I'LL GET IT . . ROCH JACK : Okay . . .(SOTTO) Gee, that Ben $ur is a great story . . . . I remember the first time they made the picture . . . .They begged me to be in it . . . . Eh, vho wanted to be,Francis % . Bushman's father . . .He had so few lines . . . . RGGHESTER, WRO I S THERE? ROCH : IT ' S YOUR T .V . DIRECTOR, MR . RALPH LEVY . JACK: Oh, come in, Ral ~ ph . . .comeiin . HY : How are you, Jack? ~J~~~/, i JACK: Fine . . .fine . . .here, have a seat, Ralph . ~ There seems to be a delay in mimeo with the T . V . Script, but they should be delivering it any minute now . HY : Jack . . . HTX07 0984 0 94 ~ ~ ,l-n15- JACK : And as soon as it gets here, we"can ut in vhat few minor little changeS you might have in no time at all . HY : ~~ Jack . . . JACK : Because, Ralph, this is one script that I have complete confidence in . .,I worked on it from the start . . .Itts got just the feel, the flavor that I want Qwit -- HY : Jack, the script iplt being mimeographed : What? . -JACK HY : That's right, Jack, . .I read it this morning and I fust couldn't let it go through. JACK : What do you mean, you couldn ' t let it go through . HY : (ANGRY) JWell, Jack, in my opinion, this script is ` , nothing,7`~'fo start with, the situation is weak . . . and it goes no place . There's no action, no movement . . it's a completely static thing . .And what humor there is, is old hat and corny . .In fact, I can't remember when I've read anything that's so obviously amateurish . JACK : ...... Welll ...... HY : And that's not only my opinion, it's also the opinion of my assistant, Dick Fisher, of my entire technical staff, of the head of B .B .D . and O . . .and of the Chi.ef of C .B .S . network television . . JACK : Oh yeah, well I showed it to my butcher at SafeVay this morning .an~dtle was nuts about it : Your butcher .K"FltsI t does he knov about. HY comedy? JACK : Plenty,, .he directed "The Aorn Blows At Midnight" ., .Sd if you're going to drag in experts, I got some on my side, too . 01, }{01 0184895 -16- ROCH : THAT ' S RIGHI', BOSS . TELL HIM ABOUT MR . CAROL P . CRAIG . JACK : Yeah, he liked the script and he happens to be a writer who gets ten thousand dollars a page . HY : 'That I s funny, I never heard of him . What did he ever , write to get ten thousand dollars a page? JACK : He won the "I Can T t Stand Jack Benny" Contest . . .Now Ralph, I still say this is a funny script and for the 1 life of me I don ' t understand your objections . HY : Well, if you're so positive, maybe I was wrong . Look, I've got the script righthere in my briefcase . .let's have another glance at it . JACK : Good . (SOUND : BRIEFCASE ZIPPED OPEN . .RIISTIE•;OF PAPERS) HY: Let's see now . . .(MOMBLES AS IF READING . .STARTO TO CHUCI4,E . .MUMHIES A LITTLE MORE . . .IAlRiHS APPRECIATIVELY) . . . .Say, this is pretty funny stuff . . JACK: I told you, Ralph, this is a funny script : (MUhffiLES SOME MORE . .AND IAUGHS AGAIN) . . . That's. HY a • wonderful llne . JACK: Certainly . . . .Believe me, Ralph, when it comes to judging comedy, I'm seldom wrong . HY : "I guess maybe c- wait a minute -- this isn't your script . JACK : Huh? HY : This is the one for the radio show I direct . JACK : Radio•+!? Nliat radio show? HY : The Mean Old Man . JACK : Hmtmmmm® . Arx 01 01 e 48 36 HY . : I must remember to tell that writer to fix the hole r in her roof . . .lately all her scripts are coming in soaked . . .but that's no problem of yours, Jack . JACK : No . . . .no . BY : Oe^^5 Levs see now . . .where did I put . . .Oh yes, here's the T . V . script . JACK : Good. Now, Ralph, I'm sure A1 -- 4 (SODM7 : PHONE RINGS) JACK : Rochester, would you get that, please? %6%MMM&)WM1"R • (SODN[7 : RECEIVER UP) n_ : MR . . . . .AId. RIGHT . . . RoCH . BENNY1S RSSIDENCE . . .YES .YES ~ .I SEE . . GOODBYE . (SODCUJ : RECEIVER DOWN) JACK : Who was that, Rochester? ROCH : YOUR BUTCHER . - JACK : Oh, the one that likes my script? _ ROCH : HE'S THOUGHT IT OVER AN[) CHANGED HIS MII•ID . JACK : •3N mmh .I don't know why I even go to him . . .There must be dozens of butchers around town who've directed me in pictures . . .Now Ralph, you ' ve been reading the script . . .what's bothering you? HY: Well, in these first five pages, Jack, the only thing that's even remotely funny is the bit with the orchestra ~, and we can't do that . ~ JACK : Why not? ATY{ 0 1 0 16 4 897 w -18- - . HY: /'qJack, you know very well we're not allowed to put the camera on your orchestra . There are forty million people watching . JACK: But Ralph, it's all right to show the boys on television . I got a clearance from the Musicians Union . HY: I don1t care, you're on at night and some of those . . forty million people will be eating . JACK : A11 right, so weIll take out that bit . One routine doesn't make a script bad . (SOUND : PHONE RIN".,S) JACK: 13mn . `- ROCH : I t LL GET IT . . (SOUND : RECENF.R UP) . ROCH : NJi . BF.NNYt3 RESIDENCE . . .OH YES, MR . IEROY . . .WHAT'S THAT? . . . ALL RIGHP, I'LL TELL HIM . GOODBYE . (SOIIND : PHONE DOWN) . JACK: Rochester, was that Mervyn Leroy3 ROCH : YEAH . . .BE CALIED TO SAY Hg DOESN'T ISKE YOUR TEIF.YISION SCRIPT . JACK: Doesn't like it? But I never even sent him a copy . ROCH: WELL, HE SAII) BE GOT IT BY ACCIDENf . JACK: Accident? a-~ ROCH : YEAH . . .THIS MORNING HE WAS AT/ 3'~AFE'WAY, 0 BOIIGHT A POUND OF HALIBUT AND YOUR SCRIPT WAS WRAPPED AROUND IT . JACK : Ha®n . . .that nice, fresh script around a smelly halibut . ROCH : MR . LEROY PUT IT THE OPPOSITE WAY . ~ . JACK: I don't care how he put it . .I still think itts a good script . Rrx 01 afe 4999 -19- .~ ~„y„r~ ..w,^ bon,t misunderstand me, Jack . . .There are some good things inie-itaty But unfortunately, the whole idea is wrong . 'W whole script is based on your being cheap . JACK : But Ralph, with the character I portray, people expect me to do cheap things . I BY : I know, t.'ik, and that's fine for radio . . .but in television the audience sees you standing there .,-You u ' have to be a little true to life or nobody will believe it . JACK : We11 . . . . HY : 71"'^',Look . . .here you have a show starting with two strangers knocking on the door of your big Beverly Hills mansion to ask directions . .and you invite them in for lunch and then charge them for M . . which is practically making a restaurant out of your home, .Then you show them around the grounds and when the man accidentally falls-in the pool, you charge him a quarter for swimming . .And to top it off, when he starts to sneeze . .you insist on giving him Penicillen at five dollars a shotl . . .Now really, Jack, nobody could be that chea . . JACK : Ralph, you're absolutely right . How could we expect anyone to actually look at me and believe that I could do things like that. RY :That's my point, Jack . . .and until we can fix this script so you aren't cheap, and more like you really are . .we haven't got anything . fl 1" XU1 0 184899 -20- JACK: Okay, Ra1ph . . .I111 call my writers im RGCH : BGSSi BGSSi THE GRr.'xtavrro BUS IS HERE . JACK : Oh my goodness, they're five minutes early . Rochester, dust off the sandwich display and turn up the flame under the soup . ROCH : OKAY . Jack, could HY :'~'/i2~,' 4--9s I was saying, if we -- JACK : OH, ROCHM9, DON'T FOi~'ilsT TO PUSH THE RICE PCDDING . ROCH : I'LL PUSH IT, I'LL PUSH IT . JACK : Now Ralph, you were saying . . . HY: Yes, Jaok~ .I feel that if we could -- (SOUND> : DOOR OPFNS . .BABBIE OF CROWD) JACK: HERE THEY COME, ROCHESTER . .Don't crowd, folks, therels plenty for everyone . (SCi1DID : CASH RD}ISTER) ROCH: STEP RIGHf UP, FOLKS . . .SCIIP, SANIDWICHES AfID FEATURING UNCLE JACKIS RICE PUDDING . (SOUND : CASH RH3ISTER) RUBIN : Hey, Agnes, why don't you come over here and eat with me? BEA : I can't . . .the chain on my spoon won't reach that far . . . And what kind of a clip joint is this, you gotta pay extra to get mustard on your hot dog . A rx 0 i 0 1 e 49 0 0 -21- RUBIN : Thatta nothing . .the last time I wae/here, I accidentally fell in the pool and they charged me for awinnning . JACK: Don't crowd, folks . (SCUPID : CASH REGISTER) JACK: Thank you . . .here's your change . HY : 71#_y Jack, Jack, I don't(' JACK : Excuse me, Ralph, 9outre standing in front of the 4 pennants . . . HERE YOU ARE, FGIFB, SCZNENIRS OF BEVERLY HILLS, PENNANTS, PICTURE POST CARDS . (SOUND : CASH REGISTER) BY: Jack, if you listen to me for a minute, I could- " (SCUND : BIG SPLASH) JACK : ROCHESTER, TIIERE GOES ONE IN THE PCCL . .YCU FISH HIM OUT Je I+LL GET THE PENICILLEN . HY : HERE YOU ARE, FCLRS, GET YOUR IKlT DOGS AND CCID DRINKS . . GET YOUR HOT DOGS AND WID DRINKS . JACK : RALPH, WHY ARE YOU HELPING ME? HY : I FIGURE IF YOU CAN ' T FIGHP IT, JOIN IT . . . FffG~U': YOU ARE, FCLRS, GET YCUR-F~CCID DRINK3r(~7,~~;~11 . oLuvc~ . JACK : YES SIR . .AfID DON'T FCRGET UNCLE JACK'S RI~CEPUDDING. ~ (PL4YCFF UP FULL AND APPLAUSE„)-~ Rr}S01 01 8 44 0 1 - 22 - NATIONAL SACK :, I will be back in a minute to tell you about my television show which goes on immediatelq after this program on the CBS network with my guest stars, Bing Crosby, and George Burns, but first, a word to .1 cigarette smokers . . . . PACIFIC CCAST JACK: I irill be baok in just a minute to tell you about my television show that goes on tonightat seven p .m . over the NBS network with my guest stars, Bing Crosby, and George Burns, but first, a word to oigarette smokers . prxoi 01 e 490 2 THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM - -C- MARCH 21, 1954 TRANSCRIBED : MARCH 18, 1954 OLCUING C0MMERCIAL WILSON : Jack will be bsck in just a minute, but first a word to cigarette smokers . COLISNS : Luckies taste better : CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! COLLJDLS : Luckies taste better : CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother : For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco : Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLITH : Luckies taste better: CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, SmootheN Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! WILSON : Frierds, as a smoker, you know how vitally important freshness is to your enjoyment of a cigarette . Well, the makers of Iuckies know that too . That-s why every pack of Luckies is extra tightly sealed -- to keep in the better taste that has made Luokles £amous, Yes, any Iucky smoker will tell you that Lackies taste better - not only fresher, but cleaner and smoothetf too . That-s because fine, naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco goes into every Lucky . As you.know, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . And Luckies are definitely made better -- made round and firm and fully paoked to draw freely and smoke evenly . (MORE) MG arx 01 0 1 e 49 0 3 THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM -D- MARCH 21, 1954 TRANSCRIBED : MARCH 18, 195+ . CLCQSING CMERCIAL (CONT'D) WILSON : Yes, fine tobacco in a better made cigarette just naturally (CONr'D) adds up to better taste for you . So, next time you buy cigarettes, try a carton of Lucky Strike : SPORTSMEN Be Happy -- Go Lucky UARTET : LONG Get Better Taste Todayl CL03E) q MG AT 80 1 0184904 ( TAG) -23- ( . DON : Say, Jack;'4 is it true that on your television show tonight you're having both Bing Crosby and George Burns as guest stars? JACK : Yes . .andI hope George is in a better mood than he has been the last few days . He's had a little trouble with the Income Tax Department . DON : Why? JACK : They wouldn't let him take Gracie off as a dependent . . . . Goodnight, folks . (APPIAUSE) DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Milt Josefsberg, John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company . . . . America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes . DH ATXOI 0184905 906t'86U bOX1N (h56i 'iZ F1TbavW 'Q'3HRIouivliL) - SSd Wa o :h-oo :h Sao K6i '8d IiDEiVW ieoTlns Msoaa axuaa xovr aHs MEass axorn useawno ooovaos uaol MMM SdI6 ?# W~tlg`J~2LI THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY ~~J2CgK 9NNY PROGRAM" #29 -A- OPENIAG COMM~t4CIAL WILSON: THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM. . . . . Transcribed and presente d by Lucky Strlke! COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! COLLINS : Luckies teste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoothe r For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tastingfine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better ! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike ! WILSON : his is Don Wilson, friends, You know, after all is said and done, the reason anybody smokes is for enjoyment -- the enjoyment that comes from the taste of a cigarette . Yes, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother. First, because they're made of fine tobacco . Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . Second, Luckies are made better - made round, firm, fully-packed - to draw freely and smoke evenly . Fine tobacco in a better-made cigarette gives you better taste, every single time . Next time ask for Lucky Strike, because smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is Lackies taste better .You'l1 know that's true the minute you light up a Lucky , COLLINGS : Ixtckies taste better : CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother Llcky Strike! Lucky Strike! LW a 1,801 0 184 9 0P -I- (FIRST RWTINE ) (AFTER CObID1ERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DONN) DON : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY, WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, RCCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YWR9 TRULY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE. . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : AND NOW, LADIES AND GENPhESEN, SPRING HAS CIX+fE TO S(AITHERN - CALiFORNIA,, .BIRLfi ARE TWITTERING IN THE TREE T0M AND BUIS ARE BZJRSTING ON THE BRANCHES ., .50 WITHGJT bURTHER ADO, WE"eC- MW LIKE TO SHOW YW HOW A TYPICAL GENTItSSAN FARMER IS HERALDING THE ARRIVAL OF SPRING . . .THE TIME : . . . EARLY AFTER-NOON , . .THE SCENE : JACK BENNY'S BACK YARD . . .THE FARMER : JACK BENNY. (BAND PLAYS "MENDEISSOHN'S SPRING SONG") (SGVND: BIRD WHISTLFS) JACK: (HUMS A LITTLE OF "SPRING SONG") Gee, this,section I planted last year came up nice . . .Look at those nice straight rows . . . two hundred stalks of corn . . .a hundred and fifty cabbages . . . three hundred strawberry vines ., .Hmmm . . .one measley coffee plant . .,But who knew . . .Let's see now . .I better get these string beans in,, . (50UND : TRGv7EL IN DIRT) JACK : I'll set them right next to the tomatoes here . . .Well, there's one . . .Gee, IWW got a hundred more to go . . .OH ROCHESTER, I WANP YIXJ TO COME HERE AND GIVE ME A HAND . RCCH: (A LITTLE OFF) BJT BOSS -- JACK: ROCHH5TER, YW'VE BEEN IN THAT SWIMMING POOL LONG ENWGH, NOW COME ON . MG Rrx 0 1 0184908 -2- ROCH : BUT, BCGS, I'M NOP THRWGH PIANTING THE RICE . JACK : NEVER MIPID THAT . . .I T~ID YW AERE . R W H: OKAY. ~ JACK : (SOM'0) ~c,go worried about the rice . .AM sorry I gave him those chopsticks for Christmas . R W H: HERE I AM, aW . JACK: a Well, you can start with this row here . ROCH: YES, SIR . JACK: Now first you put the plant in . . .then sprinkle it over with a layer of Vigoro. . .cover that with some dirt . . .then a three-inch layer of bone meal . . .then some more dirt . . .ai n,..Z/,aJ then you put on~ big thick layer of Vigoro ., .and be very careful, P.ochester, because you know what we're planting here, don't you? ROCH: NO, BUT IT AIN'T GONNA BE ISIAC $1SHES . JACK: They're string beans and let's get started . RWH : BCSS, ARE YW PLANTING BEANS AGAIN? JACK : Yes, why? ROCH: I THQJGHT YCU'D GIVE UP ON BEANS AFTER WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR. .THEY WERE SO SMALL THE BUGS WERE PICKETING THEM . JACK : Stop trying to be funny, Rochester . . .I'm going to plant beans and this year they'll be the biggest ones in Beverly Hi11s . . .Now 1et's get going . (SWND : MORE TROVIEL DIGGING UP THE DIRT) JACK: There . : .that one's in deep enough. ROCH: HCE BEE HEE. . .YW SURE LOOK bVNNY IN TAC6E GVERALIS AND THAT OLD STRAW HAT . MG prx 0 7 0 964909 JACK: I do look like a farmer in this outfit, don't I? r- ROCH : WITH THOSE LONG WHITE GLOVES ON, YQJ LOOK LIKE HILDEGARDE . JACK : Well, I've got soft lovely hands and I'm gonna keep 'em that way . (SOUND : START LAWN MOVER IN TIE DISTANCE . .GETS A IITTLE LWDER) JACK: Hmm . . .I think I've got some of these plants upside down . (SOUND : MOTOR A ISTTLE S0~~6 JACK : No, I guess they're all right ./.DENNI~, DON'T MOW SO CLCSE TO THE TCr1AT0ES! (SOUND : LAWN MOWER STOPS) JACK: Watch it : DENNIS : I'm almost through, Mr . Benny . JACK : Well, keep at it . . .Ani Dennis, when you're through mowing the lawn, I want you to water it, DENNIS : Okay, I'll turn on the sprinkling system . JACK: I haven't got a sprinkling system, DENNIS : You have now . JACK : What? DENNIS : I thought the hose was a snake and shot it full of holes . JACK: Dennis, that was a brand new hose and Itm going to deduct the price of it from your salary . DENNIS : I was afraid that vould happen. JACK : You were? DENNIS : Yeah, boy am I glad I saved the last bullet for myself . JACK : Huh? DENNIS : Well, here goes . MG HTYlOi 01R441O -4- JACK: Dennis, 1-t down that tg_in : . . r . Te^v. , . . . -d-11 .pay. .£or-the-hose . DENNIS : I knew you were yellow . JACK : Never mind . . .you just Set back to work, I'll hold onto the gun. DENNtS : 9kay . R CC H: BGSS, I FINISH® THE BOW OF STRING BEANS . JACK: Good . . .now we ' ll plant some celery . DENNIS : You ought to plant Pistachios, . .they're terrific . JACK: But Dennis, Pistachios are nuts : DENNIS : Well, who isn't . , JACK: ijs . . .Denttis, look at that mountain over there, . .That's it . . . now hold your head still . RGCH: BGSS, BC6S , PUT DGrlN THAT GUN . JACK: I only wanted to scare him . I couldn ' t hit a pointed head like his in a million years . Now go ahead, Dennis, finish your work. DENNIS : Okay . _, ~ (SOUND : WN MGVMR .~F/ADF 3~NJVDISTANCF,) .:G1u .'l..^"- JACK: ~~ Now let-dr see . . .Hey, Rochester, look at these mushroome here . .,I don't remember planting any mushrooms . RCCH: THOS E AFE TGADSTGGIS, BOSS, THEY ' RE POISON . JACK: No, no, Rochester, go ahead and taste one, .,I think they're mushrooms . RGCH; YOU THINK? JACK: Yes . L MG R 1' Y[01 0 1 9 4411 -5- ATTITUDE . RCOH: WELL, UNTIL YW'RE POSITIVE, MY IS NEGATIVE JACK: Oh, what a baby : . .afraid to eat a little plant . RCCH : UH HUH. coward JACK : You know, Rochester, there's an old eayiU . . .A dies a thousand deaths . . .a hero dies but once . . .Did you ever hear that saying before? ROCH : YE9 ;L AND I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BEAR IT AGAIN . JACK : All right, don't eat iLt . . .Who cares : MARY: Oh hello, Rochesterr: Che garden looks lovely . RCCH: THANIL9, MISS LIVINGSTONE . MARY: I see you got the scarecrow up already . JACK : THIS IS ME AND Y(A1 KNOW IT . . .~you buy that package of cucumber ~ste~e.'{d..s,like I asked you to? MARY: Ye®4here jwY are . . .They .were ten cents . JACK : Thanks . . .Gee, juet think, Mary . . .I'm going to take these little seeds, plant 'em in the ground, and before you know it, vines will spring up, with oodles and oodles of cucumbers on 'em . . .Isn't Nature wonderful? MARY: Yeah. JACK: And Mary, hal£ of those cucumbers are going to be yours : MARY: The heck with nature, give me my dime ; JACK: Give me my dime, give me my dime . . .You'11 be sorry when the crop comes in .• I feel it's going to be a big season . MARY : Oh, you're some farmer . . .You and your crazy experiments : JACK: They're not so crazy . MARY: Remember last year? . . .You sprinkled cheese all over the ground and tried to raise Au Gratin potatoes . L- h 8 1"X01 0 1 13 4912 JACK : MARY: JACK: u`laughing at? MARY: Every other gardener around here had trouble with but JACK: All right. .but I still say it doesn't hu ment . SIX7ND: LAWN MOWE1i APPBOACHING . .QEETS GRALUALLY LWDER) JACK: And California is just the place to do it . (SOUND: LAWN MOWER HAS STOPPED BY NOW.) JACK: You know, Mary -- DENNIS : I only e a little more to go, Mr . Benny JACK: Okay J You kn Mary, I wouldn't laug if I were you . I might turn out to another Luther urbank. DENNIS : Who? I JACK : Burbank . .LUther Burbank . DENNIS : Oh yeah, they named Gle 1e after him . JACK: THEY NAMED BURBANK A ffiM . . . OT .GIENDALE . DENNIS : Oh. . .I guess I di 't analyze it . JACK : YouU certainly d n't . DENNIS : Well . . .see y later . . .Ding-ding ; ~~ (SWND : LAWN MChIER STARTS UP. .RECID IN THE DISTANCE) JACK• F He alwavs plava cor:d„n+or Whno he mowe the lawn . . . What a~f1a' . . .Now let's see . . .Oh Mar~y,~~I was ,{ust having a little argument with Rochester~l Look, are those things there mushrooms or toadstools? MARY : Those are toedstools . JACK: They are? . . .We11, I'm certainly gled you told me . .I almost ate one . MG arsc 01 0184913 -7- ROCH : YoU AIM03T ATE ONE? JACK : We11 . . .I mean I would have eaten one after you di9 . ROCH : WITH ME LAYIN' THERE? JACK : All rigpt, forget it . . . (SOUND : LAWN MOWER APPROACHES AND STOPS) JACK : I better dig these up and throw'em away . . DENNIS : I'is all through, Mr . Benny . JACK: Good . DINNI3: 3'kIa12'I"take"Mr:-"CVlman's 'iawn'nteTfeF'tS~C'Q"to'Hihi?" JACK : ... Never mind, I think he bought another one . . . put it back garage next to hiswheelbar .,071 n9 Dennis, before you le , I'3 like to he your song for Sunday's show so why don't y o in e house and run through it . DIIJNIS : Okay JACK : Now mary, hand me at trowel and-q'11 get some of these cucumber see5 n . (DEENNIS'S SONG) "y G AT HEART") (APPIAUSE ) RTYf 0 1 0184914 (SF:COND ROUTINE) rACK : Say ., .that song was a11 rightiy~eefit it, Mary? MRY : Yeah, StH ~F~ 'iou13 ' ~ ' b VtA w Sun3sy, 7ACK : That wasyder y o03g Dennis . )ElVNIS : hs ks . d Mr, Benny, as aoon as your lawn nee3s cutting again, you'll be sure to let me knowfwon 't you? JACK : I ce,~tainly will, and I appreciate your interest . 7ENNI5 : Well, I like to keep the groundslooking nice and in tip top shape . C ~ TACK : (PLEA .S`FD) ~4 ~^y' ~~ :ENNIS : This is a beautiful place and some day I .e~t-Yt . 7ACK : Really, Dennis? ~~.,. 7r3VNIS : Yeah -- I'll throw you out so fast it'll make your : Dennis, go home already . head TACK JENNIB : Okay, goodbye . . 1& ~ JACK : Goodbye, goo3hye .7 . .Mery : . . fARY : VOW rACK : Do you think Kenny Baker is too old to push a lawnmower? WRY : Oh, Jack, every time Dennis gets you a little aggravated, you OB : (A IITTIEOFF) HELIA, JACK . isat : ney, taary, it - s Bob Crosby . . ..,o,.~otmPaur Bob? 30B : Fine, Jack . . .Hello, Mary . NARY : Hello, Bob . . .out for a little walk today? BOB : Well, not exactly . . .I told the boys Sn the band to pick me up here in our orchestra bus . ATX 0 1 0184915 JACK : Oh, are you leaving town again? BOB : Yeah, we've got a one night stand in Chicago . J- JACK : A one night stand?67 Wat~e going-all the way to Chicago for that? BJB : Well, the boya just couldn't turn this down, Jack . JACK : Gee, it must be quite an important occasion . BOB : I'll sa§- . .Petrillo's dog is going to be e year old . JACK : Oh yes . . . . Jascha Heifitz left thls morning . . .Oh Bob, I don't mean to be rude, but I want to get all these rows planted by six o'clock . &JB : ~,Why six o' clock? MARY : As soon as it's dark his help has to run for the border . JACK : Mary, stop making things up . . .I do all the work myself . MEL : Si, Senor . ' JACK : You keep Quiet and ®o put on a dry shirt . . .say, Bob, as long as -- (SOUND : BEEP BEI':P OF BUS HORN) BCB : ~l ~ i`nst must be the boys, Jack . I .better get going . JACK ; I'll walk around to the front with you, Bob . MARY : I've got to be running along, too . . . . $78:"-- 9key . . (SOUND: FYIOTSBTPS) MARY : Say Bob, it must be nice for the orchestra to have their own bus to travel around in, (SOU[VD: FOOTSTEPS STOP) ATH01 01 84 915 <'!y JACK ' That's a nice bus( . .but Bob, why is all that smoke coming out of the exhaust? BOB : Well, kerosene always smokes that way . JACK: Kerosene? Why don't you use gasoline? .oa e BOB : tried vA We thet, but when the boys smell anything over eighty I octane, they run for the olives . JACK : You uean they'd actually drink gasoline? . BOB : y-,Begby even drinks the kerosene . JACK : No : At night the boys stick a wick in his head and use him to read by . ~JACK: Hcmm . .Well, Bob ; --T- `,Wnew .,0ee, those flumes coming_-frnmthe bus are awful . BOB: Shall I tell the boysso-taYn~o,tf the motor? JACK ; No, ~ BOB : Well, I've got to be going, anyway . ~aa-wy JACK : Okay, Bob . . .I'll sWw yod. BOB : So long . JACK: Have a nice trip . MARY : Ase-,Eye, Bob . BOB : "0 .aaye, Mary . (80UND : BUS LUOR CLOSE AND MOTOR PULLS AWAY) JACK : What ,a,,~,,c,~razy gang .~ MARY : Yeah~:~.Look at that license plate . . .BREW 102 . JACK : Yeah : Well, Jack,. MARY I better be getting home . IS, H1"HU1 C11B4917 I JACK : All right, I'11 have Rochester get the car out . M4RY :J114No, Jack, 1t's such a nice 3ay . . .I'3 rather wa1k ., .I'11 see you tomorrow . JACK : Ok ~y .~. ..Goo3bye, Mary . -- /~ A (SOUND : A FSW WOhWJ'S FOOTSTEPS FADING OBF) JACK : Well, I suppose I better get back to work . .Eh, I've had enough for one day . (SOUND : OLD TRUCK APPROACHES) JACK : I think I'll go in the house and clean up . (SOUND : TRUCK COMES AIqNGSIDE AND BELL RINGS SLOWLY) MEL: FRESE VEGE7ABLES . .TOMATOES . .LEM'UCE . .STRING BEtWS . .REY, MISTER . WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME NICE FRESH VM ---oh, it's you . JACK : What? MEL: You ain't foolin' nobody wlth these petunias and tulips out here in front . I know what's goin' on in that back yard . JACK : All right, soI raise a few things to eat . MEL : Look, Mister, I haven'tma3e a sale all 3ay . .why don't you give me a break and buy something? JACK : Well . .all right . .I'11 take a dozen oranges . MEL : A dozen oranges . JACK : Two pu~w3a..o€ pears . 9iEL : Two-Pe de-e£ pears . ~ JACK : And a half/dozen apples . a MEL : And a ha1f0-I KNHW IT, I KNEW IT, EVEKiTHING WITH SEEDS . DG RTYi01 01 B49 18 -12- JACK : But -- ~ .ILL : IT AIN'T EIVOUGHT YOU'RE GROWIN' VEGETABIES, NOW YOU GOTTA START WITH THE FRUITS . JACK : But I only -- 'SL: IF YOU WANT ME CUTTABUSINESS, GET AN INJUNCTION . .G00DBYE . (SOUND : TRUCK PULLING AWAY FAST . .bUOTSTF.PS) TACK : Hmm . .some business man . .yF ho's so worried about competition, why doesn't he buy me out . . . .The Wong Foo laundry did . . .Oh . well, I guess I'll go in and clean up . (SOUND : DOOR OPFIPS) TACK : I'll just slip into this clean shirt here .a & -- JON : QY Hello, Tack . 7ACK : Don ,. Where 313 you come from? ~)ON : Oh, I came in the back way . I thou e~h t you'd be working in the garden . TACK : Well, I was, Don, but I've had enough for one day . 70N : Gee, and I talke3 the Sportsmen into coming over to help you . TACK : The Sportsmen? Where are they? X)N : They're out there working now . .I'71 call 'em in . TACK : Okay . (SOUND : COUPIF; FOOTSTEPS) JACK :/. .,Ytait a minute, Don . .They don't seem to mind working in my ,° yar3 . .They're even singing . '.)ON : They are? JACK : Yeah, I'll open the window a .d we can listen . . i (SOUND : WINLOW RAISED) MUSIC \, :"FROM THE VINE CAME THE GRAPE" (APPLAUSE) DG AT}S01 01 84979 -12A- QUART : FROM THE VINE CAME THE GRAPE FROM THE GRAPE CAME THE WINE FROM THE WINE CAME A DREAM TO A LOVER . HE WAS BACK W1TH MARIE ON THE ISIE OF CAPRI WPPH A MILLION STARS SHINING ABOVE EIIi ONCE AGAIN HE ROMANCED AS THEY KISSED AND THEY DANCSD AND IIE EVEN HEARD WEDDING BELLS CHINIG FROM THE VINE CAME TflE GRAPE FROM THE GRAPE CAME THE WINE . AND FOR TONY A WONDERFUL TIME . FROM THE SEED CAME THB PIANP . FROM THE PLANT CAME THE IEAF FROM THE IEAP CAME THAT FINE LIGHT TOBACCO . THAT'S WHAT MAKES-LUCKY STRIKE C...d ..G.7L-t'.,i ;iAIE THAT "¢ TASTE YOU LIKE TWENPY PERFECT SMOKES IN EVERY PACKO . LIGHT A LUCKY START PUFFII$, AND YOU'LL SAYTI1&RE IS NOTHING WITH BSTTER T6~ IT'S LUCKIES YlY*L LIIfl; . FROM THE PLANT CAME THE IEAF FROM ' :.:1E IFI+F CAME TOBACK FR~O/M~r~ .-i'OBACCO FINE AND LIGHT COM&S LUCKY STRIKE 6Bl~S 'LUCKIES THE SMOKE YOU WILL LIKE . (APPIAUSE) RTH01 0184920 . (Tt¢Im ROiPtINE) JACK 13- ~'",~~,ti,..- 4 Gee, those boyslare clever .X,and they're such good workers) . (SOUND : PHONE RIN;S .~) ROCH : PLL GET IT, BOSS . JACK : Okay, (SOUIm : RECEIVIIi UP) ROCH: MR . BENNY'S RESIDENCE . .STAR OF STAGE, SCREEN, RADIO, TELEVISION, APII) IF T}E FARMERIS MARKET HASN'T GOT IT, WE HAVE . . . ;.WBATIS THAT? YES, Hg'S RIORt HEFE . . .IT'S P'OR YOU, MR . WIL90N . . .IT'S YOUR WIFE . DON : Oh. .thank you, Rochester .,,Nello, dear . . .Weil, h~ow¢ many guests are we having for dinner tonight?,, .Oh~Then I suggest we have hors dloeuvres . .sou,pj.r.nice Caesar salad . .and for .b6emeats Ifd say a couple~ ;6hickens . .ai e :ght pound roast . . and a chafing dish full of ineatballs . . .Ycwyl think that ought to do it . . .You're welcome, dear . .Goodbye . (SOUND : RECEIVER DOWN) . JACK,6c,, ..,WhoIs your wife having for dinner tonight? DON : Just me, the rest cancelled out JACK : 'Oh, I should have knawn .,L9s-.,. . . DON : By the way, Jack, perhaps you'd like to come over for dinner . n..- :6~SOme other time, Don.j I want to lie down for a whiles .T+m -.JACK kind of tired from all the gardening Itve done . DON : Dt,Jack, don't tell me you planted vegetables again this year? JACK : Certainly . .why shouldn't I? DON : I thought you'd give up after those awful beans you grew last year. JACK : Look, Don -- , , JF RT}S07 0184921 -14- DON : Those beans were so lousy even your garbage disposal threw them back JACK : Oh, stop. DON : 3bi3, 50 long, Jack . JACK: Goodbye, goodbye . (SOUND : DOOR CLOSES) ~~ ~.,,v,A-..Q~ ,f`«~^ ~wec,.y JACK: Gee, I really am tired . . (YAWNS) i sleepy, too ~ . . ...I-~ lie r' down on the sofa here . (SOIIPID : SOFA SPRINGS) JACK: Ahhh, that feels good . . .(YAWNS) . . .What+s everybody picking on my beans for . . .So last year they weren't so big . . .(YAWNS) This year they'll be great . . .That new chemical fertilizer is guaranteed,to make anything grow . . .Say, I wonder if --- Nah, it'll probably burn my head . . . .(YAWNS) . . .I canyt wait till _ those beans come up . . .I'll show everybody :~LES . . .THEN SNORES ONCE) (VIBRAPHONE OR DREAM EFF'ECf) JACK : (MUNIDLES) I'll ahov :-..LL1Sig beans . . .(SNORES) . . .real big beans . . .(SNORES) (THEN SNORES AGAIN AND AGAIN) (MUSIC RISES . .AND IS OUT WITH CRESCECIIlO) (SOUND : ROOSTER CROWS) (BAND PIAYS STRAIN OF "OH, WHAT A BEAVfIFUL MORNING" . . .VIBRAPHONE CONTINUES) JF RTH01 0 184922 -15- JACK : That's funny . .,just a second ago I was inside . What am I doing out here in the garden? ,, . Say, look what happened to my beans . . .The beanstalk goes way up to the sky . . .through the clouds,, .I can't even see the top of it . . .Well, I'm going to climb to the top . . .I'm going to be like Jack and the , Seanstalk . ., . , o . (BOS1N0 : SCUFFLING OF MAN CLIEffiING) ~ (A LITTLE CLIMBING MUSIC) ~ . .f JACK : (PANTING) Whewp%~.vI"b~'e~tter rest . .,I must have climbed five hundred feet, and I'm nowhere near the top . . .Gee, look how small everything looks down there, . .Say, the rest of my garden is growing, too . . .Look at that tremendous honeydew melcn . .Oh, no, .it's Semmy the Drummerls head . . .Sa ,y-~CfM sZVX=t~,Well, I better start climbing again . (SOUPII? : CLIBMING NOISES) . (A LITTLE CLIMBING MUSIC) JACK : Wow, I'm nearly a mile high . . .Gee, from way up here you can see everything in Beverly Hills . . . . Look, there's the California Bank . . . .And say, there's Esther Williams cut in her back yard taking a sun bath . . .Gosh, what a predicament . . I don ' t know which to look ati . .If I lean out real far, I can see the entire city of Los Angeles ., .Gee, it looks .s.-- (SOUPID : SNAPPING OF WOOD) JACK : Gee, the branch broke . . .I'm falling, . .I'11 be killed,, . (SOUND : VERY LIGHT PLOP) - - - JF Ar5{01 0184923 -16- JACK : .,,Gosh, I'm not even hurt a bit . . .Wow, am I lucky . . .I landed on the smog ...... I never knew the Los Angeles Smog was thickenough to support you, . .but then, itts been supporting comedians for years,, .Well, I better start climbing back up . (SOUND : CLI6BING NOISES) . (CLIMBING MUSIC) JACK : We11, here I am at the top . . .Look at this place, . .it's fantastic. . .Look at the trees .,,there's money growing on them . . . . .Gee, I'm a Stranger in Paradise . . . . . }Iey, what's the matter, .the sky is getting dark. (SODPIDt THOtmER) JACK : Gee, what ' s that . . : 4-m-NaMP ) FEE FI. DENNIS FC FUM I SMELL THE BIAOD OF A COM®IAN BE HE ALIVE OR BE HE DEAD . . .GE'E, HIS HAIR LIFPS RIGHT OFF HIS HEAD . JACK : A*afiWWMftff 1 . . . . . Say, are you the giant? DENNIS : No, Ifm the assistant giant . . .and you better go see the Giant, he owns, this place . JACK : Oh . .we11, can you take me to him? DENNIS : I haventt got time, I've got to mow these ~clouds . See you later, ,Ding ding . 0-7 i`7 - (SOUND : LAWN MOWER PUfT PUTTISR} AWAY) JACK : Hmm„we11, I better go see the giant, but I don ' t know where he lives . VECLA : (OOMPHY) Hello, Jackie Boy . JACK : Oh, hello, how are you? , JF HTX01 0184924 -17- VEOLA : Fine . .,Are you going to give me a great big kissdk,~~"^- JACK : Sure . . .Here. G~ (JACK ACTUALLY KISSES VEOLA AS LONG AS HE WANTS TO . . .WE CAN CUT IT 0UT aF THE TAPE .) ,ek VEOLA : 04Oh, that was wonderful,~ iss me again . JACK : (ON FIIIPER) SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH JACK AND THE BEANSTALK, FOIdCS, I ALWAYS DREAM ABOUT HAR .I JACK : (REG . MIKE) . . .Well, I better go see the giant . . .Gee, I wish I knew where he lives . . .I'll ask that rabbit . . . . Excuse me, Mr . Rabbit . MEL : Ehh,tsk tsk, what t s up, Doe? JACK : I'm looking for the EiantIs house ., .do you know where he lives? ,~ MEL : Yeah, .it's the second castle around the cornerr•~"~• JACK : Thank you . .and for being so nice, I'm going to send you a big bunch of carrots . MEL :OA, No thanks, chum . . .I'm on a diet . . .I was getting so fat, I couldn't move : No kidding? . JACK MEL : Yeah . .,I wasnTt happy because I was too hippy to hoppy . JACK : Oh, . . MEL : Say, why do you keep staring at me like that? JACK : Oh, I didn't mean to be rude, Mr, Rabbit . . .but you remind me an awful lot of a friend of mine . . .Frank Remley . MEL : Oh, is he a rabbit? / „(~~ /~.• JACK : No, but he ' s got pink eyes,~ . . . . . Well, I WX got to go to . the giant's house . RTH 0 1 0 1 8 4425 MEL : So long, Benny . JACK : So long, Bunny . . .I'm off to see the giant . (TRANSITION MUSIC) / / : Well, ~Lhis~ytheKJACK giant's house . . .I'm going to knock on the door . (SOUND : KNOCKI[d3 ON DOOR) JACK : Gee, look at the giant :s laundry hanging out there on the line . . .Gosh, he has the biggest underwear I ever saw . . . .The "V_" in BVD looks like a Cadillac ...... Oh - oh, I hear . '- somep~ 0 ming to ope n the door . V800,4. C~o,~me.( JACK :`~O~Wait~a minute . . . " ;~~'1 ssNd . . .What are you doing here? VJMW. dLm the giant9s W~` fe .4~~ JACK: ,~,,, A ~Oh yes~, .ha ' s $ enty feet. tall i I JACK : Gee . . .Well, IPve got to see h, a , .Is hr-h~me~ .. VFOLA : Yes, but I w. ~uldn't try to see him today . .he's in Q .-terrible moofl . .He's vexN~»paet . / ACK: Why, what happened OLA : Somebody ztole his ele~@\tor ahoe~s .; I CK : We1l . even if he is in a had m6od, I t ve got to see him . . A11 right, I111 call THEAE18 SOMEONE HERE TO ! SEE YOU, POOPSY.- IJACK: _ fLam,-Poopsy_~___..__. ~ Shh, here he comes now . (SOUND : SEVEN TREMMUSLY HEAVY THUDDIPk3 FOOTSTEPS ABOUT TWO SECONDS APART) RTX01 0184926 -19- JACK, Say, are you the giant? . NELSON : Yes, I'm a bip, one, aren't I? JACK : _ to discuss some business with you : Well, you'll have to discuss it with my manager.NEISON : Oh . .well, who's your manager? . . . . . (pAUSE) ,. JACK he won't . answer me . .. .Miss, besides being his w , ere you his manager, too? IA : No . JACK : Then tell me . . .who is the Giant's Manager? IPELSON : Leo Durocher, I knew you'd ask . NELSON : Now don't bother me . I have to feed my chicken that lays the golden eggs . JACK : You have a . . . chicken that lays golden eggs? NEIBON : Sure . . .it's that one at your feet . . .Watcb . .GO ahead, Chickie . . lay a golden egg . MEL: (CLUCKS SEVfiRAL TIMES LIlfl; A CHICKE[V IAYING F53G) . (SOUND : SOUND OF CLUNK OF TEbIPO BLOCK) JACK: Gosh . . .imagine that . .a chicken that lays golden eggs . . .What do you call it? NEL40N : Barbara Hutton . JACK : Oh . NELSON : Now you said you wanted to see me about business . . .What is it? JACK: Well, your castle and everything else is on top of a beanstalk, isn't it? NELSON : That's right . JACK: Well, the beanstalk is growing in my garden, so everything here belongs to me : No, it doesn't . . NELSON JF RTH01 07 8 492 7 -20- T JACK : Yes, it does . . .and first I'm going to take this wonderful chicken : S=.nea:+t. JACK the on~e-~t:h~a~t lays the golden egA . . .Here, chick, dA..h,e.4..(ohick . . .Ther5,~Iwe got you), Cr ..^•- MEL: (FRIGHPENID CLUCKING) NELSON : THAT CHICREN ' S MINE, PUT IT DOWN . JACK: NO SIR, I'M TAHINS, IT BACK TO MY HOUSE WITH ME . (SOUND : RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) NELSON : WELL, IIM COMING AFTER YOU . . . (SOUND : THUDDING GIANT RUNNIN3 FOOTSTEPS) MEL : ( KE EPS THRDWI W, IN FRIGHfENID SC4JAK8) ~- JACK : Is gaining on me . . .Oh, I ran off the edge of the beanstalk . (SOUfIIIt SLIDE WHISTLE GOING DOWN SIDWLY . . .SUSTAIN THROLGH JACK'S NEXT SPE'ECH) JACK : I'm falling, I'm fglling . . .Flap your wings, chicken, and give me some he1p . . .This is awful . . .I'm falling . ROCH : BOSS JACK : I'll be killed, I'll be killed . ROCH : ~ BOSS, WAKE UP . . .WAI~ UP JACK: ~$u1i? Oh, it ' s you, Rochester . . .G os h~ w a a dream I was having . . .ROCheater . . .I dream a* I hac~ a chicken that laid golden eggs : WELL, STOP S. ROCH WEE2ING TEAT PILLOW, ALL YOU ' RE GETTIId? OUT OF IT IS FEATIERS : '!, Rochester,. JACK fix me something to eat . . .that climbing gave me an appetite . (PLAYOFF & APPLAUSE) JF RTH01 0 1 8492 8 EASTER SEAL -21- JACK : Ladies and gentlemen, the very best Easter gift of all .is the support you give, through Easter seals, to children who need your help . These seals provide medical care, nursery centers and many other things that are needed . So give and give generously to the Easter Seal agency in your community . Or send your contribution to Crippled Children care of your local Post Office .t: Thank you . (APPLAU9E) FtTH01 0184929 CLOSING COMMERCIA L DON : Jack will be back in just a minute, but first a word from the Sweetheart of Lucky Strike . LLINS : Hi, friends . This is Dorothy Collins . Y'know, I'll bet that if someone asked you why you smoked . . . what It was, exactly, you liked about a cigarette . . . I'1l bet the important word in your answer would be "taste" . Because, gee, isntt good "taste" what everybody wants in a cigarette? Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . And there are two good reasons why that's true . In the first place, L4/igT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . . . naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco . And second, Luckies are made better to taste better . Made round, and firm and fully-paoked to draw freely and to smoke evenly, And that, friends, is the whole story . That's exactly why Luckies taste better . Because Luokies are made with fine tobacco . . . and because they're made better . Why don't you try a carton soon . Be Happy -- Go Lucky . How 'bout it ? COLLINS : Luckies taste betterl CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother ! COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smootheri For Lucky Strike means fine tobacc o o Richer-tasting fine tobacc COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smootherl Lucky Strikel Lucky Strike l JF H 1-'r{01 0184930 TAG -23- JACK : Goodnight, wA~rea little late . . (APPLAUSE) DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced•and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company . . . . AmerlcV a leading manufacturer of cigarettes . C,' H1' 9 01 o7a 4931