-'^:AD-IH TO THE COMMERCIAL Bv JACK BENRY Affi}
TAG DI'.iEOTLYBY JACK BENNY IdAS RELEASED FflCM
a>)C SOS ANGELES, BECAUSE OF TV PROGRAM BEING
SEEN AT 10 P1S-LOS ANGELES TIME,
RY ;KU1 016+2-1 0 1 PROGRAM $`1 REVISID SCRIPT 11~7 it /15 IJrOGC/CUSf'
AbIERICAN''16SACC~O COMP~
LUCK? STRII~
TfIE JACK SRPIPIY PROGHAM
SurIDas, SEPTEMW 13, 1953 CES 4 :00-4 :30 PM PDT
(TRANSCRI3ED Sr PT . 9, 1953)
KT
R1'Y;tJ1 018410 2 THE .TA.CK BF~NNY PROGRAM AMIIdTCPN TOBACCO CO . "SEPTEMBER 13, 1953 (Transcribed September 9, 1953)
OPENING COM[uIERCIAL :
WILSON : The Jack Benny program . . . transcribed ar.d presented by Lucky Strike! (Pause) You know, friends . . . smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste! And the fact of the matter is . . . ~ ' COLLINS ; Luckies taste better
CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother
COLISNS : Luckies taste better CHCRUS ; Cleaner, fresher, smoother
For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco
Richer tasting fine tobacco
COLLINS ; Luckies taste better
CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky Strike . . . Lucky StriKe
WITSON : This is Don Wilson . . . You know, your enjoyment of a I cigarette depends on its taste . That's true, friends .
Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact
of the matter,is -- Luckies taste better . . . cleaner,
fresher, smoother . Now there are two mighty good reasons
for that . The first one you already know . . . iS/MFT, :.ucky 1 Strike means fine tobacco . . . light, naturally mi':d,
good-tasting tobacco . And second, Luckies are made to taste
better -- made round and firm and fully packed to draw
freely and smoke evenly . So, friends, if you want all the
real, deep-down smoking enjoyment you can get from a
cigarette -- be happy -- go Lucky! Because smoking
enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the -
matter is -- Luckies taste better! . Next time, ask _°or a carton of Lucky Strike .
TH 0 1 0184)0a PAvii 2 . -N- (GPENIDiG CoMMERCIP.L -- SE-PTE:MB=t 7.3, 1953)
COLISf7S : Luckles taste better
CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, s moother
COLLINS : Luckies taste tetter
CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky Strike . . . Luckg Strike
T
R r X01 01841104- (F'_RST ROUTLhE)
(AFTER COMMERCIAL, DT.ISIC UP AND DO'rIN) . DON : THE LUCKY STRDSE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITH MARY LSVINGSTONE, ROCHESTE3, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRIILY" DON WILSON .
(APPLAUSE . . . MUSIC UP P1VD DOWN)
DON: LADIES AND GENTLEM,dN . . .THIS IS JACK BENIVY'S FIRST RADIO
BROADCAST OF THE t9;W SEASON . . .AM IMiiEDLATEIy AFTF,.'R, HE WILLNo~
DO HIS OPENING TELEVISION SHOW OVER THE CBS NETGdOR{. . .BUT SN
'H~ WFdW@T3IH LIKE TO TAKE YOU 3P.CK TC A FRIDAY MORNING
SEVERAL WEIISS AGO AND LOQK Iid OP: J4C.K ??EPIIVY'S HOME IN BEVERLY
I ffiISS .
ROCH: (SINGS) SIID7MFd2 TIME, qIID THE LIVIN' IS EASY (APPIAJSE) RCC=: : (SINGS) FISH A .RE JUhff'IN', APID THE COTTON IS HIGH . (HF: HLM A LITTLE MORE . . .THEN SF'.,AK9) . . .THAT SONG SUREIS
TRUE . . .IT'S EASY LP]IN' IN THE SL M1'9!,.R . . .I'VE B EEN SIEEPING
LAPE EVERY MORNING . . .GOING TO TfE BEACH IN TFIEPFTERNOON . . .
. .SP.3II`IDING TFIE W EEK-ENi S FISHING WITH P4Y FRIENDS .
YAfiBr . .MM7 NIIvIM . . .I SvISH. MR . BENNY WO'JLD COME BACK FROM HIS
VACATION SO I CAN GO ON MINE .
~"a"T-- .~^;,i~,.~mr
KT
RT X U1 01B4T05 ~9T. : , 9,,,.,. . ,
(SINGS) SUMNIE'R TIME, AND TF E L1VIN' IS EASY
FISH ARE JUALpIN', APiD TEE COl°PON IS HI(3i --
(SOUND : DOOR BUZZER) ROCH; HIMM. . .T.°S FRONT DOOR.
, (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS) _
ROCH: (HUMS PART OF "SUNMQiTIME" DURING FOOTSTEPS)
(SOUND : DOOR OPENS) ROCH: YES . . .WfL9T IS IT, GENTLEMEN?
RUBIN : We're from the North American Van and Moving Company . ROGH:MOVING COMPA .I'Y? RUBIN : YeA~, .isn't this Ronald Colma.n's house? i ROCH: NO .~.:ARE THE COLMt`.N'S MOVING AWAY? RUBIN ; Y4d1 .we're moving them today . ROCH: WELL ThEY LIVE -=T DOCR . . .THG HOUSE ON THE RIGHT . RUBI!C : Thanks . Come on, Joe, let's po get the stuff .
(SOUND : D OOR CLOSES . . .F004.5TEPS--ABOUT EIGHT)
2CCH : GEE, I THOUGH T IT WAS THE MAIL '4p_N . . .I fL'1VEN'^ HEARD A WORD
FROM MR . HENNY IN OVER TWO WEE[{S . . .AND THEN ALL ~HE SENT ME WAS A POST CA~,RD . . .HE SAID HE WAS INVITED TO A BIG LUAU A1-NI1
HAD A WONDERFUL TI.'AE . . .I DIDN'T F'NCW WHAT LUAU h EANT SO ~IT
LOOKED IT UP . . .IT'S A HAFIAIIAN WORD ML+'ANING, "STUFF YOURSELF,
THE FOCD IS FRME" . . . 2-M HEE 3EE . . .I REMrJ4B&R ONCE --
(SOUND : DOOR BUZZ E R)
IT
Ht" :i01 0184106 ROCH : OH-OH . .THE FRONT DOOR AGAIN . (SOU.IDu EIGHT ?00'I'STEPS . .JOOR OPENS) ROCH: YES SIR?
HY: WE'RE FROM THE P.EeSNS VAN AND STORACf3 COMPANY .
R0lcH: OH, YQU'irL' GOT T'n7! irR^t;G HOUSE . . .Tflu OOLNL9P7S LIVE N:f'Ii:P DOOR .
"rLY: 61a're not Sociking for Mr . Colman, we"re her.e to mcve Mr . s.n8
Mr3 . JEiTe'S SteWBrit . $R1cK ROGH : ON, THE STEiJbu`iTB . . .THr3' LI-0-1 IN `t HC {}F~ffi'sPS HOUSE . . .TF1. ONE CN THE LEFT.
HY : Thank you .
(SOUND : DOOR CLCSES . . .FOOTSTF,PS) I ROCH: MfSBE I OUGHT TO DO A LITTiLL, WORK FOR A CHANGE : . .IT'S A GOOD 9e4 sia+i~c~-~+1.-d IDEA TOI SEPARIP IT AGAIN . .I'LL GO IN THE DEN
AND SEE IF THAT NEED.S STRAIGHTENING UP . (SOUND : F&W FObTSTEPS . . .D00R OPENS) RUBIN : (OFF STA.GE MIKE) (SNORES TWIOE) for ROCH : GEE, MR . HARRIS HAS BEEN M WONDER 0FF THE SH041 4 T4I0 SL9 NOW, I IF I OUGHT TO WAKL+' IiCNl UP ?1VD SEND HINI HOME . . .NAH, THAT'S MR . BENNY'S BUSINPSS, .,
(SOUND : DOOR BUZZER)
KT
Hrxat 01841 0; ROCH : DOGGONE, THIS IS THE BIISIEST DAY . . .
(SOTJND: FOOTSTEPS . . . DOOR OPENS)
ROCE: YES? RYAN: We're from Lyons Van and Storage Company, we're here to move Mr . and Mrs . William Powell . 11.a HOCH : 47ILISAM P®AE'Lt . . .OH, H~ LI9E4 IN THAT WHITE HOUSE RIGHT
ACROSS THE STREET .
RY2N : Thanks . (SO-JND : DOOR CIASES) .' ROCH: GOSH, I CAN'T UNDERSTAPAJ WHY --
NbW ~ (SOUN(7 : PHONE RIlTiS . . .HURRYING FOOTSTEPS)
ROCH : J.no'E&.' ~i EHEN -°.'& A9
?H6PL
R693
(SOUND : COUPLE FOOTSTEPS . .SELL RINGS. .REC.GIVER i72 ROCH: MR . BENNY'S RESIDENCE . . .NO, I'M SORRY, MR. BENNY'S NOT 1 D-ACK FROM HONOLULU YET . . .'"^ ~
3 a3ir'ri8i04f 4piEK -3 EIS --^aFTPAOS-'nSS
~ff., . &-a149L'O' . .WHAT'S THAT? . . .HE NWDC+ AN
APPOINTMENT FOR A HAIRCUT RC9 NP'.XT T[1ESDAY? . . .LIELL, HE
DOESN'T HAs7E TO BE N~'~RE FOR THAT, I'LL SEND IT OVER . . .
GOODBYE . I (SOUND : RECEIVSR DOWN. . .FEW FOOTSTEPS) I ROCH : . . .`nlE:d,, I BETTER G'ET IN Tf E ffiTCHEN AND -- (SOUND : DOOR BUZZER)
ROCH: . . .AGAIN! : : . .FIRST THE DOOR, THEN THE PHONE . . . . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .SUSTAIN TffiOUGH SPEECH)
Y' ;KU7 0184708 -5-
ROCH: THEN THE DOOR AGAIN. . .ONE THIAI"r Ab"PE.R ANOTHER . . . (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS STOP. . .DOOR OPENS) JACK : Rochester, I'm home .
ROCH : BOSS. . .BOSS . . .BOSS :7 : (APPLAUSE) - - ~
JACK: Rochester, you seemnsurprised that I'm back .
ROCH: I AM. .I $AD NO I= T-~ YOU'D CCMG HOME TODAY .
JACK: I thought someone would tell you - I wrote to a lot of
people t'hat Idwscftd be home today .
ROCH: WHO DID YOU WRITE TO? JACK: The Colmans, the Stewarts and the Powells . . .I wonder if
they got my letters .
ROCH: OH, TF E Y GOT 'EM, TFEY GOT 'EM. JACK: Here, help me inside with vq bap,yt U%{~, `j01? (SCUND : SCUFFLING . . .DOOR CLOSES) JACK: Rochester, did any of my cast get here yet?
ROCA : NO, idE',RE YOU EXPECTIPR'r THEM? JACK: I called them when I got off the boat and told them to come here for an important meeting . Now, Rochester, I take my small suitcase up to my room .
ROCH : WHAT ABOUT THE TWO LARGE ONES?
JACK : C~ They're filled with dirty laundry . You better wash and
iron it right eway
: YES SIR . . ROCH
JACK: And when you're done, I'll give you the names of the people in Hawaii you're to send it back to . . .And do a \. good job, wil~ ~oyz
~ ROCH: BOSS, HAVE WE GOT CUSTOMERS IN HAWAII NOW?
F3T}i07 018410 -6-
JACK: Yes
. th4Ny-~. itCG£E 4T{'s-SPR&An.,IT-r rnr-~ynrn°c_'.,[4.3AN-GOSA--COLAr
JACK: -Plassep-mindT. .and you better wash the skirts by hand,
that gross can stop up the Bendi.x. . .Now Rochester, put
some chairs #~--
'-k~- -{$ Q 3A4H99 -'iWlib'E}- 3AL'IF:-F:e.'~:4~.a~~..-kell~-
. v*a - _ P JAeK; ~- a h Q„g, ++ra Da~_
I ~AGt~:-r~w=.~} goex-Pellf-,-TURr-ARaGa~F~'a s~~nen 1
I d.A,0K,- Rse i ql~qw _yp_ l „ +r,e 9 +„
Swnrr~y nnmrm vmrnr n~n~y ~ra mm'rna'- mn rlrml`ii ~ nii1F mn i
Gna~,~mon r_
I
, 4e (80iIIVD : DOOR BUZZER) l~eres doa- JACK : ~ I'11 get '_t .
(SO[PA] : FOCTSTEPS . . .SUSTAIN IN BACKGROUPA7) JACK : Gee, it'll be good gettin.g back on the air . . .2 alwsys
get such a thrill out of the first check -- I~n program~
(SOUND : DOORBUZZER) JACK : CONLTNG, CCmm .
(T = MORE FOOTS'i'EPS . . .DOOR OPENS)
H rx 0 •t 0 1 s 4110 -7-
DENNIS : 6`11 Hello, Ns . Benny. .
JACK: WELL DENtPIS .> .COME ON IN . (APPLAUSE) '
.(SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) i JACK: QI, Dennis, it's wonderful seeing you again . You know you~re i the first member of my cast Ilve seen since we went off
the air in June . . .and gosh, it's funny, Dennis .the I end of every season, we all go our separate ways, and
then as the su¢uner wears on, I begin to realize how much i I miss the gang . And so, when I opened the door and saw
you here . . .it gave me such a warm feeling of -- DENNIS
: Get it over with, I'm a busy marl .
JACK: 3fttinsr. . .That ' s a fine greeting . . .you haven't seen me for
three mor.ths srA then you don't even ask me about my trip . ) DENNIS : Where are you going? I JACK: Where am I going? I just got beck . I was in Hawaii for I three weeks . Nauu-~~ 'FHe~Z DENNIS : n 011.1307, I'd like to go se--tlawaii: sometime . . .What's it like, E4ro . Benny? I JACK: Dennis . . . Honolulu is one of the most beautiful spots in the world . . .you ought to feel the soft warm sand on the
beach la£ -- ' DENNIS : Get it over with, I'm a busy man . t.ok k JACK: n t ennis, you asked me to tell you about it . Now I just
got home so I'm not gonna stand here and let you annoy me .
DENNISS0.1,Does the rest of t~e gang know you're back yet? T'bVN -11',.5 ^ .of1n~. JACK : Yes, I phoned themnthis morningafrom the tlock . .DENNIS : From the dock? .
RY7S 0 1 0 1 84 711 -8-
JACK: Ye*H . I TENNIS : Oh, then you just got back today .
JACK: Y Yes, on the Lurline . , 5 I TENNIS : How was the bQat trip?
JACK : The boat trip .n Dennis, I can ' t tell you what a bta#-1 1
.44; -- , -QOei F44HP; o a--the-deelE-as-i-t leaves - ianol+39--rrr
TENNIS : Get it over with, I'm a busy man .
JACK: Now stopthat . . .Dennis, as long as the rest of the gang haven't arrived yet, let me hear the song you're .gning to do on the first program .
TENNIS : Yes sir.
JACK: That kid is the only one I Imow who can undo a three months rest in two minutes . I (APPLAUSE) (I7ENPIIS'S SONG -- "WITfL TTHESE HANDS")
(APPLAUSE)
FiT ;K 0 1 0 784772 (SEC~OID RoUTIRE~ -9-
~e/n1,~{ . _ JACR : Dennis, that senUJsounded swell . .only when you do it on ~- wkN4 ~ou +o ya.,. se~ the progr~a.m,~oick up the tempo a bit~ and hold the finish ~ks} a little longer .
DENNISPI%My mother likes it this way . 4l JACK : Oh, she does, ehPn~hat does your mother knowabout music? DENNIS : Plenty . .Liberace couldn't get along without her . JACK : Liberace? What does she do for hisn?
DENNIS : Before every show she waxes his teeth .
JACK : tdell, that certainly makes her Toscanini the friendly credit
, Band Leader . . . .Now, Dennis, as long as we're--
(SOUND : DOOR BUZZ7 : NM, Dennis, you stay right here while:R) JACK I answer the door .
(SOUND : SEVEBAL FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPIlVS) MARY : Hello, Jack . JACK: MARY :
(APPLAUSE) a ul(~c„e Cef~JACK : Mary, let me look at you .1 . .You look wonderful . I MARY: Dki Thanks . .Dennis is here, isn't he?
JACK : Yes, how did you Imow? MARY : You look awful . .
JACK: Hrmn . .7..t didn't take two minutes . . .But Mary, it's sure good
to see you . . .Come here, I'm going to give you a big kiss . ,7AR'l: (COYLY) Oh, Jack .
JACK: No, no, come here)aad let me kiss you .
MARY : All right .
(JACK KISSES HER BRIEE'LY)
RT ;KC?1 P784713 -10-
JACK.: There, how was...... that?...... MARY : It'll never make the Kinsey Report . . . .Come on, let's go in .
(S0i7ND : COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS) MARY : A') Hello, Dennis . i I DRZ7PiIS :O~ Hello, Mary, when did you get back from Las Vegas? MARY : Last week .
JACK : Hey, I didn't lmow you went up to Vegas . . .did you enjoy yourself?
MARY : Uh huh .
DF,DPIIS : I went to Palm .Springs this summer . MARY : . . .Palm Springs? In the sunmer? Dennis, why in the world would anyone-- Wa~ia 'Mtnwke wnik : . ('1ur`} I .~ Wait a minute, Mary .Tdonltget into any si11y routines with Dennis . 0 MARY : Oh, yei4K .I forgot . . .Anyway, Jack, I had a good time in Vegas . sy
JACK: YeAq} it certainly ean-be--a-uatg. exciting town . . . I "there a l J oF kI .~us asee: . .in fact, I even lost some money gambling, Aow MARY
: I lmow . .it was on a slot machine in the Flamingo . .the third one from the right as you enter the Casino . i JACK : (AMAZID) That's right, Mary . .how did you lmow? MARY : They have a little plaque there that reads, "Jack Benny Fainted Here ."
JACK : I don't care, it's good publicity . . .Anyway Mary, I`w got
to tell you and the gang about the wonderful time I had in
Hawaii .
19 rx 0 1 0 1 8 4114. DENIVIS : I spent the susmer in :aLm Springs . MA*Y: Dennis, why in the world -- MufN JACK : Wait a minute, Masgl, .don't you ask him . i'll do it . Me
he's already made a wreck eut of . . . . Dennis . .you spent the summer in Palm Springs?
DE[V1YIS : Uh huh, and I had a swell time . Looke\--S raorik weU, ~,~\ t~ \od<, ~^o'"' CG,v. ~~in JACK : --But how can you possibly eil,joy yourself in Palm S~rings in ! all that heat . .7n the summer it gets to be a hundred and
twenty degrees in the shade .
DIlVNIS : I was smart, I didn't stay in.the shade . JACK : Ha ha ha, see what I do to myself? . . . . Mary, that proves I love you we~l MARY : (GIGGIES)H `If you really love me, get me a cold drins, will you, please . .I'm thirsty . JACK : Okay, Mary . .what do you want?
MARY : Ginger-ale will be all right . JACK : Okay. .(CALLS) ROCHESTER . . ROCH: YES, BOSS : Will you please. JACK bring Miss ;,ivingstone a glass of ginger-ale?
ROCH : I'M SORRY, BU'P WE HAVHN'T C-0T ANY . k J_ACK : We haven't? . .disehe ster, when I left for Hawaii, we had
three cases of ginger-ale .
ROCH : WII.L, I'P'S ALL GONE NOW . JACK : H~ . .Zochester . .tell me the truth . .did you have a party here while I was gone?
ROCH: W=. . .YES, BOSS, .IN JULY .
Ri ;K 0 9 0184115 JACK : What date in July? ROCH : JUST JULY . JACK : Look, Rochester--I don't mind you having a little--
(SOLND : DOOR BDZZIt't) JACK : (CALLS) COME-t : I . (SOUNDe DOOR CPEtVS OFF MIIC) JACK: Rochester,nI d6n't mind your having a little party while Aevl I'm gone, butdwhen you take advantage--0~ 1 -13-
DON : She is? JACK : Yeah : Why, I saw. DON her picture in the newspaper, and she had her leg in a cast . I understand she broke her ankle .
MARY : She tried everyth±ng, but Jack's holding her to #sAe contract . JACK: Mary, she's gonna be on my program because she wants to . . . And she's gonna be wonde'rfu7l on it . yo Knuw DE6iNIS :~ I saw her and Jane Russell in "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" .
and they were terrific . (4IfII6TLE) -wtie, z. d .d JACK: Dennis, where did younsee that picture? DINNIS : In Pa1m Springs . JACK: Oh.
DENNIS : That day it was a hundred and thirty in the shade .
JACK: I lmow, I lmow .
DON : You know, Jack, one of the hit songs from that picture is
Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend . .and that's gonna be our commercial on the program .
JACK : Wait a minute, Don . The Sportsmen @uartet would sound
silly doing that number . That song should be done by girls .
DON : 0~1 I know . That's why I brought their wives over . I anted you``~to hear it first . q~2 s 4s~ehi JACK: Oh, th~r wives . . .
DON : 1etJI, I'll get them, Jack . They're right outside .
C k . (SOu'PID : DOOR OP ENS)
Oh, girls . .come on in .
(SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR CLOSFS)
AT }iCT7 01 847 7 i• 14-
JACK : Well, hello, girls . I GIP.LS : H~ . .
JACK : That's their y:ives, all right . . :4ftl5l , Don, let me hear the number w .1\ .1ok ) DON : Okay . .take it, girls . -15- (INTRO :)
GIRLS : A KISS ON THE IAND MAY BE QUITE CONTEHT..'t4TAL
BUT DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRI,.~~'[~.iD A KISS MAY BE GRAND, BUT IP WON'T PAY THE RENPAL ON YOUR ffiJPBLE FLAT OR EFELP YOU AT THE AUPOMAT
MEN GROW COLD AS GIkLS GROW OLD
AND WE ALL LOSE OUR CHARMS IN THE END
BUT S@UARE CUT OR PEAR SHAPE
THESE ROCKS DON'T LOSE THEIR SHAPE 1 DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEIYD
REPiLfi'IDER, MY DEAR, WHEN IT'S SMO_KES YOU ARE CHOOSING A LUCKY IS A G1RL'S BEST FRLQD
TFIE REASON IS CLEAR, TIZ: TOBACCO THEY'RE USING
HAS NO PUFF THAT'S ROUGH
YES, SURE ENOUGH, TkERE'S NO ROUGfi PUFF . LUCKY STRISE'S THE SMOKE YOU'LL LL~
CAUSE THEY'RE MADE OF THAT ONE PERF.EC^.t BLETiD
THE MASCULI[dE GENDER SHOULD ALWAYS RLS9E'IDEft I TO BUY 2i''lft LUCKIES I THOSE SLII'TER TASTING LUCKIES I MADE MUCH BETTER, THAT'S 61HY
TO WIN A FAIR LADY'S HEART
GIVE LUCKIES BY TNE CARTON
THAT'S THE SMO'_3.E SHE'S SURE TO LIISE -1 o f31= C-IGEEPU -E&R HAPPY
~= LUCIiY STRIdE .
Hrx 01 0 7e 4719 (THIRD ROUTINE) ~ust JACK :W^-I() That wa=nwonderful., girle . .DOn, I muet congratuiate you on
euch a -wo he idea .
DOID : Well, thanks, Jack .
M?RY: Eay, Jack, now that we're all here, what did you call ue over for?
JACK: We - re not all here . Bob Crosby is late yei l.er2 DEiVIVT£ : I wish he l d esux so we can get this over with . P m a busy
man .
JACK: Dennis, we know all about how busy you are with your own T .V .
show and your records and movies .
Ded" ITNIS : Besides that, this summer I started raising tropical fish .
MARY: Tropical fish? Say, that t s a nice hobby .
DESRVIS : Yeah, they're delicious .
JACK: G Mary, when are you go ing to learn Se-igaere -- sU~k BOB : Hi Jack, hello, everybody . A
JACK: Hey, it ' s Bob Crosby .
(AP KAUSE) GAKG : (AD LI3 flEi.LL1S OVER AH?LAUSE)
BCB : The door was open so I just walked in . JACK: Well, werve been here waiting for you so we can have our little meeting. . .You. know, kids, Bob was in Honolulu while I
I was there . ' ~4 MARY: -Hek; I didn ' t know that ., .Did you go alone?
BOB : 0k, lTo, I took my wife arui^five kids, a nurse for the baby, and
I a cook and a maid . DON : Did you go on the lurline, too?
LW
FThSC?T 0784720 -17- % h Do BOB : C+, Yes,~ and it was exciting . .especially as we were landing in ~ Honolulu . .My whole family and alln our help lined up at the we boat rail and sang "Aloha" to the people on the dock .
JACK: Wait a minute, Bob . .the people on the dock aresupposed to
sing to you.
BOB : Well/ I kn ow, but we outnumbered them. JACK: Oh, oh, ohI -S see MARY : Jack, you said when Bob got here, you'd tell us what this
meeting was all about, .,Now what is it?
JACK: Wel1 ., .Now look, kids,,,,we ' re about to start a new season .,,
and naturally, we all want it to start off big. . .so I got in
touch with my publicity man, Steve Bredley .,,He told me to
have the whole cast here this afternoon, and he ' s going to 1 CA_ take a-blun ek o' pictures . f DON : C~, That ' s swell, JACK: And that reminds, me, Bob,,,you better get all the boys in C6w$e we11 - your band togetherI He~ll want some pictures of them, too . CM 6u} BOB : ' That might be kind of tough getting all of them, JACK : Wt~y? . - Sack BOB : Well, during the summer they've taken other jobs n ,,,In Pact, - Frankie Remley £orr..ed his own orchestra and is appearing i every night at the Cinegrill in the Hotel ~oosevelt . 3r.nk~~ R+w,leys qoF'w, w ., bvihes+rq . JACK : No kidding? . Well, good for Fra.nkie,, .Did he get a gcOy¢ deal? Ch cCrlpml~ ~ ~7 .4J }ho ' . BOB : ~~, he had a smart agent,,,All the men in his band get scale, but Frankie signed for sixty dollars a week and all the
drinks he wanted .
JACK ; GCSH1
LW
ATXOI 0 78 4 927 -18- ~~h &GB : r~ The second week the hotel changed that,xew-he-geta no drinks
and a thousand bucks a week . JACK: I knew they'd find out sooner or later . . .So FrarIlC-els working at the Cinegrill?,,,What does he call his orchestra? BQIl : 'c¢1 ; on the marquee he bills himself "Frankie Remley, .and My Six Convicts : TWeZi, ~kat do ." JACK you know, .Iv~f bet they play the sweetest I music this side of the Chino Honor Farm . . . . You know, kids,
some night let's all go -dowr, *~,ere r, .hd-- -
( S (D ND: DOOR $;ZZIIt)
JACK: COME IN.
(S(AJPID : DOOR OPENS)
MdRf1A : A!~`I'Tft AIIR .TfI TTF1TT .lt RF?fT .ll, Illi?T .f1T iy!t]RR9i35V~ bTF~T .TfI RFRQTN .
JACK: Fjyla Steve~t's good to ~e-'j'~' - MARCH: : No time for chatter, we've got to get this publicity cenpe .ign rclling .Now Benny, first we're gonna get a picture of you giving a waiter a five dollar tip .
JACK: What?
MARCH : Stage money, stage money . JACK: Ohi Ch . . MARCH: Now, Mary, I've got a sympathetic angle for you. We'll show you selling stockings at the May Company, you k..uw~W.u4! JACK: Hey, that's greatn.her old jcb .
MARY: What do you mean, old job, that's what I did this sunmaer . t TACK: No kidding . . .Say, Steve, have you anything planned for Bob
Crosby and Dennis Day?
19 T'rSUf 0184122 -19-
MARCH : Have I? . . .I've got a stunt for Crosby here that will have his name in newspapers from coast to coast,
BOB : Hey, that's great,, .what do I do? MARCH : You're going to sue the city where you were born . . .Spokane,
Washington, for ten million dollars . BCB : Sue them.,,,what for? b'L1RCH : You're gonna claim they mixed up your birth certificate -- you're really Bing, and Bing is you, JACK: What?
BOB : NpW,,Wait a minute Steve, what about my mother? MARCH : We'll sue her, too . 006 -Nw~s c~q«ai' JACK: ., .Hey Bob,Jthat's a greatI idea~ .Nuh ? DENNIS : What have you got in mind for_me? o NIARCHQ ~ 9You' re a~ cinch, -Nemnis. I've an idea that will make you the
most talked-of person in the country over-night . DENNIS~,~~~That do I`:ave to do? MARCH: Commit suicide . JACK : . . .Suicide?
MARCH: But I've got to find so m novel way for him to do it .
DENNIS : Maybe I could eat nothing but Chlorophyll and green myself to death,
JACK : Dennis --
MARCH : Wonderful idea, kid, we'll save it for St, Patrick's Day . JACK: Look, Stqeov!!e~--
MARCH : Now we 'ebkt,er get some puolicity pictures ., .S've got ntip i photographer waiting out in the hal.l . .,(CALLS) OH, F3ANK .,, .
NELSON: YESSSSSSS, JACK : Oh nc, .,Are you the photographer?
EP AYXUT C?7B4T23 =20-
wHak" - IMI80N: Well, vr ha do you think I am holding up this flash-bulb -- a glow worm?
JACK : Hmm.
wHak" - IW-80N: Well, ake do you think I am holding up this £lash-bulb -- a
glow worm?
JACK : Hmm. -21-
DEDIDIIS : I WAS TALIffNG TO H1h1
: OH, YIXJ WERE, EH . .WELL,. JACK IIVE HAD STSOUGH OF THIS, . . ST'E'VE, CUT
,,, .QPP, . .AND TAKE THAT PHOTCGRAPHGR WITH YGU .
MARCH : OKAY, BENNY, BL'T Y W ' RE THROWING AWAY - YOUR FUTURE,
MARY : HE HAD HIS bTPItJRE TWENTY YEARS AGO,
JACK : THAT SETTLES IT . . . . QJT . . . .CY/T. . . . EV.ERYBODY (RIT,
( SCdIHD: LffJD DOOR SLAM)
JACK: Bunch of smart alecksA „Rochester, fix me something to eat, will you?
ROCH: YES SIR . I JACK: I don't lmow,,,ny first day home)arA all I have is trouble,
trouble, trouble . ROC3: I KNOW, BOSS, BUT IT' S SURE GOOD TO HAVE YW BACK . JACK: Thanks, Rochester . (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFFF) _ JACK: 1.ad-ie°~-~tlaa~st~~--z---7~~ h e-te3~~ ~~.-yav~ . . . . ,._, - ,
EF
RT ;K01 0164-7 25 TEE JACK BENNY PROGRAM -C-
AMERICAN TOBACCO CO . SEPT . 13, 1953 (Transcribed Sept . 9, 1953)
CLOSING CObA9ERCIAL : COLLINS : Luckies taste better
CHORUS : Cleener, fresher snooth?r . COLLINS : Luckies taste better
CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother
For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco
Richer tasting fine tobacco
COLLINS : Luckies taste better
CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother
Lucky Strike . . .Lucky Strike .
WILSON : This is Don Wilson, friends, to tell you that . . .Luckies . . . .
win . . . again! That's right, Luckies win again in a
national smoking survey among college students . Last year
a survey was made in leading colleges throughout the country
which showed that smokers in those colleges preferred Luckies
to any other cigarette . This year another nation-wide I survey was made -- a representative survey of all students
in regular colleges from coast to coast . Based on thousands of actual student interviews -- this survey shows that Luckies lead again -- lead over all other brands, regular or
king-size -- and bv a wide margin . The number one reason -- this year as last -- Luckies~ better taste . Yes . Luckies do taste better . First, because they're made of light, i naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco . LS/MFT -- Lucky Strike means fire tobacco .
(MORE)
iirX 0 1 0184126 PAGE 2 -D- CIASING COMb1PRCIAL -- SEPT . 13, 1953
WILSON : And then, Luokies are made better -- made round and firm (CONT ' D) and fully packed to draw freely . . .smoke evenly . Actually
I made to taste better . After all, smoking enjoyment is all a'matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . So be happy -- go Lucky . Get better taste -- wSth a carten of Luckies! SPORTSMEL'V T JARTET : Be happy -- go Lucky Long close) Get better taste tcday!
EP
HTX 0 7 07843 2 7 (TAG)
JACK : Ladies and gentlemen, in thirty seconds I'11 be doing my first television show and I'm having Marilyn Monroe as my
guest star, tkmough the courtesy of 20th Century Fox,
producers of The Robe which will soon be released in their
new process Cinemascope . . . . Now the television stuido is six
miles from this radio studio, and as I said, I only have 1 thirty seconds, You say it's impossbile to go six miles in
thirty seconds? Believe me. . . . with Marilyn Monroe waiting -j- f411 Yh!^\C'C. tl"' ~Ce y .+~. tv~ 30 S¢ccv~(1$ , ~9Timg, h .
(APPIAUSE AND MUSIC) DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks .
Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Heidt for
Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station . Consult your newspaper for the time .
The Jack BennyProgram was brought to you by Lucky Strike
product of the American Tobacco Company . . . .America's
leading manufacturer of cigarettes .
flTX 0 7 0 7 84 726 PROGRAM #2 ~R~EVIrS~ND SCRIPT ~%TJ IJf'OcdCG.S~ //
AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY
LUCKY STRIBF,
TfIE JACK BENNY PROGRAM
SIINDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 1953 CBS 4 :00 - 4 :3o PM PDT
(TRANSCRIam SEPT. 17, 1953)
flTH 0 'f C17847 2 9 ~ aacx .nc= racciuxi AMERICAN TOBACCO 00 . SEPTENL9Efl 20, 1953 (Transcribed Sept 17, 1953) OPENING C0P+1NEi RCIAL
W2ISON: The Jack Benm,* program . . .transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike! (Pause) You know, friends . . .smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste ; And the fact of the matter is . . . .
COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother
COLLINS : Luckles taste better 1 CHORUS : . Clear_er, fresher, smoother - - For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco
Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better
DHORUS : . Cleaner, fresher, smoother I Lucky Strike . . . . Lucky Strike
WILSON : This is Don Wilson . . . .friends, there's no question,
you smoke for enjoyment -- the enjoyment you get from
the taste of a cigarette . Sure, smoking enjoyment is
all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is
Luckies taste better . Yes, Luckies taste better --
cleaner, fresher, smoother -- and there are two very
good reasons why . First, as everyone in American knows,
LS/MFT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco -- light, I naturally mild, Pood-tasting tobacco . Second, Luckies I ore made better . '_ney're round, firm, fully-packed,
so they'11 draw freely and smoke evenly . Fine tobacco I in a better made cigarette just naturally adds up to better taste . Remember, smoking enjoyment is all a i . . matter of taste . (B40RE ) LP
HTM 0 1 018493 0 PAC.E T4I0 ' B- OPENIPG COP9NERCIAL - SEPTEMBER 20, 1953
WILSON: And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . (CCNP'D) So, be happy -- eo Lucky . Ask for a carton of Lucky
Strike and find out for youself that Luckies reeliy do taste better.
COLLINS : Luckies taste better
CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother COLLINS : Luckies taste better
CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother .
Lucky Strike . . . . . Lucky Strike
EP
RT ;K 0 1 018413'3 (°.^^CO14D SHU'd -- H^c.PT. 20)
(FIRST ROUTINE) (AFPER
COMMERCIAL, NNSIC UP AND DOWN)
DON : THE LUCKY STRIISE PROGRAM, STARRIlI'G JACK BENNY. . .WITH
MARY LIVINGSTONE, F.OCHESTER, DE~NNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, i THE SPORTSMEN QUAR'L^^T, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON .
(APPLAUSE ...... MUSIC : UP AND DOLlN) I DON: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN . . . TODAY IS SEFIE MEER 20TY......
AND SINCE TOMORROW IS THE FIRST DAY OF FALL, I JUST
BARELY HAVE TIME TO BRING YOU TE38 LAST ROSE OF SUbID7ER
...... JACK BENNY ( . (APPLAUS'E/)~ "
JACK: WZf~ Thank you, thank you, thank you . . .Hello again, this is
Jack Benny talking. . .and Don, if I may be so bold as
to criticize your facetious introduction, I should
like to point out that there is nothirg funny about
calling a thirty-eight year old man "the last rose of
/ " summer" . . . . .And now, ladies ansl gentlemen -- QI~ WG/}" G mVn {C, ' neGl DON: ~ ~ait a minute, Jack, hold it .,J. .LZt's geti this straight . Did you 3sSE say you were thirsy-eight?
JACK: Yes . -lasf yud' . DON: But last year,you insisted you were thirty-nine . JACK : That's right .
DON: V)d Then how can you be tairty-eight now? JACK : / Don. . . .didn't ;I just come back from an ocean voyage in the Paci-'ic?
DON: What's that got to do with it?
EP
HT}SC7 1 01 84932 JACK: Well, you know that when you cross the International Date Line, you lose a day . DON: Certainly I know that . . JACK : Well, our skipper got the hiccups and we crossed it three hundred end sixty-five times . . . ,~ome fool hadn't frightened him, I'd a been thirty-seven . . . .,Xeor-DCm,
I
h'cW oat-,-~::-,.o'Ps -even-.
.=50 let's get on with the program because we have a very important sketch to do . . . . .Did you
rehearse your part, bL ry? . . . (PAUSE) 149rV , I'm talking
-o ;L do sorry, reading ? 1 . .Oh, I'm Jack, I was just this 1 special delivery letter I got from .Nlama . d, cnox,er JACK : ;I ~F letter from your mother, huh?
MARY : yez-. A
JACK: Well, whet does "The White Witch Doctor" of Plainfield
. have to say? C~ wfni'~ . . . q,r~ MARY :,I Wait,^I'll read +_t to you . (SOUiSD : RUSTLING OF PAPER) MARY: (CLEARS TRROAT ADND READS) NIP DARLSDG DAUGHTER MARY . . . . I 1 - HA-VEN'T WRITTEN IN A LONG TIME, A TFIIS LETTER WILL CONTAIN ~- SOTH GOOD NEWS AND BAD NE n'S .r . .I4ST WEEK WE HEARD JACK'S
FIRST RADIO PROsRAM OF THE SEASON. . .NQW FOR THE GOOD NEWS . . . EP
Hi-9i01 0794-133 -3-
JACK : ffimmam .
MARY : PAPA FINALLY BOUGHT US A TELEVISION SET. -Q{cyot JACK: Well,1 a television
-Io~4€€e-rence-tohhe
MARY: SUNDAY NIGHT WE SAT AND WATCI-lED JACK'S TELEVISION SHOW. . . . 1 I LIKED IT, BUT PAPA SEEMFD QUITE BORED UNTIL aeR-8 I MARILYN MONROE, APPEARED . . . . TfP RE.PAIR MAN
CHARGED US ELFZN DOLIARS TO GET PAPA'S HEAD OTIT OF THG
SCRYEEN.
JACK: Gosh.
MARY: NOW FOR SOME NEWS ABOUT YOUR SISTER BABE . JACK: Oh boy, this is the part I like .
MARY: BABE WENT TO ATLANTIC CITY FOR TAE BATHT-IVU' BEAUTY CONTEST .,~- . . Z2~~ '. No~ S,aol: : ICo Kdd, . . .SAE ENTEMED AGAIN THIS YEAR AS NIISS COAL NIINER .,~ . . .I
GUESS THEY ALWAYS PICK HER BECAUSE SFE!. LOOKS SO MUCH ISZE
JOEN L. LEWIS .
JACK: -jR301~. . .foor Babe . .,she has to pay a heircresser ten 'cucks 1 for her eyebrows alone7 'Aou . Kncw MARY 1 : NO OTHER NEWS SO WILL CLOSE VOW . . .YOUR LOVING MOTHER, I ZSA ZSA .
d-ACY. , Y~ry-'-y~€aa}r13Fe~way's . . ^i+
Ar-nD[1C'H
PbB
RT .XQ1 0184134 7
- 4 l k ow,MY . ., s~e, JACK: . De~ You know, Mary, sometimes ,,I think -- Oh, hello, Dennis . { DENNIS : Hello , agR^. .-°....._^^£., . . .Iadies and gentlemen, the song I'm going to sing today is -- 4w,~k- JACK: Wait a minuteR Dennis, . .you just cane in, why are you in such a hurry to sing your song?
IENNIS : I've got to rush over to the hospital to have my appendix taken out . . . Vey, JACK : Gosh, that's jus6-e-rAneYS . . . Dennis, didn't you have your appendix taken out last year? IENNIS : Un huh . .
JACK: Well, °-e_-- .--=?= ._-,v3-?_ .___, why do you want them to operate again? z
DENI4IS : I joined the Blue Cross and,iwent to get my money's worth . JACK : Oh lw . . .LOOk, kid . . .if you've had your appendix taken out - once, you can't have it taken out again .
DENNIS : Are you sure?
JACK: ~ ,e/~ Of course, I'm sure . i DENNIS : Well, can't they open v.e up and ruirmage around a little? JACK : Oh, stcp . . .and don't argue with me any more . . .APter all, I know more about appendectonies than you do . I MARY : At reh e arsal you couldn't even ptronounce it .
JACK: Look Chiss Sweese, be quiet .Vow let's drop thin witc le
axil`,'-- '~qLw e-~~-~c.z- C~, sc. ' DON: '~ Say Jack, I'm glad Mary mentioned mehearsal because before you got here Rochester phoned . . .he wanted to talk to you .
JACK: About what?
EP
RPX(J7 098493 5 DON : I don't know . . .t0f~`.ie said it was isrcortant, end you should ca11 him right back .
JACK: Okay ., . . (SClJND : TWO FOOTSTEPS . .RECEIVER UP . .CLICK CLICK OF RECEIYER)
JACK: Operator . .Operator . . .
(SOUND: SEVERAL CLICKS OF RECEI'VLR . .FARE TO BUZZING OP SWITCHBOARD) .
BEA : Say, M9 ble?
SARA : What is it, Gertrude?
(APPLAUSE) flEA
: Mr . Benny's Line is fleshing .
I SARA : Yeah . . .I wonder what Gentlemen Prefer ID]oney wants now . BEA : I'11 plug in and find out . (SOUW : PLUG IN)
B.EA.: , Yes, Mr . Benny . . . . Yes sir . . .I'11 try him right away .
(SOUND: FLUG OUT)
HEA : (SIGHS) Gosh, Mable ain't it awful getting back to work after a vacation.
SARA : Yeah . . .Say Gertrude, where did you go this suarmer? SEA : No place particular . . .Once, though, I went deep-sea fishing . . .It was awful . . .I was never so insulted in all my
life .
SARA :Weh 'vlhy, what happened? BF,A : idhen we got -cack to the dock, som.e smart alec hung me up by
my feet and had his picture taken with me . . . Imagine that
guy making out I was a fish .
EP
RTMUi O 1 8 4 33E -6-
SARA : Gee, you mcst have been out on that boat a long time . ., . . 3 You sure got sunbu_r'ned . I BEA : Why . . .zm I still peeling? ! SARA : Yeah . . . .Let's hope what's underneath looks better . HEA : Wellll. . .look who's making cracks about looks . . .mallulah i i Tankhead . . .Anyway, I bad fun and ~°----- (SOIIND I : CLICKS OF RECEIVER) JACK i : Gertrude . . . . Gertrude .
BEA : I'm sorry, N,r, Benx~p, but the line is busy . ) JACK : Oh. . .well, keep trying and ring me when you get Rochester . .
. (SCUND : £CCEIVIIi DOWN)
JACK : fl~, I wonder who he's talking to on the phone . I DBIVr]IS : I better sing nU song now : Dennis, can't you sing s little. JACK later?
MMS : No .
EP
HT7407 018413 ? JACK: Why not?
DEINIS : I've already taken the anaesthetic, I may be asleep by then . i JACK: Now cut that out . . . Just sing your song and stop with that
silly talk about anaesthetics and your appendix .
DENNIS : Yes, sir . . {~dd •i- DON :a,A,, Oh, hold it a second,!Dennis ,t~ .~ Mary, I meant to tell . you, I saw the latest copy ofi1Woman's a_ome Companion . . and there's a swell picture of you on the cover .
MARY : Well, thanks, Don . -
DENNIS : The song I'm going to sing - L-Z .~4 -tNe JACK : . . . Don, for your information my
picture is on that cover, too . { DON : 0k ~ I know it is, Jack, and I want to ask you something . Why in the world vould they use your picture on a woman's magazine?
MARY : Have you ever seen him walk? JACK : Mary! DENNIS : Shall I sing now? 1 JACK : Yeah, sing, sing . (APPLAIISE)
(DENNIS' SONG -- "SONG FROM MOt7tIN ROUGE") . (APPLAIISE)
DH
f3 T Yf01 018413B' -8-
(SFDOND ROUT2Nr ) "~enni5 ~{iz. know~ JACK :1 Dennis, that was beautiful .n .,every season I think that your voice is soperfect it can't improve . . . .and then the onening of the next season you surprise me by being better than ever . You really have a wonderful voice, Dennis, and11 should b . e proud
DENNIS : (SNORA S )
JACK : Oh, for heavens sakes . . . . Somebody take him out of here and
vake him up .
DON : I will, Jack .
JACK : Thanks, DM ••- and be sure to come back because you both
have narts in our sketch tonight .
11ARY : ~. Jack, what's the sketch about ?
JACK : Well, Mary . . tonight, we're going to do our version of that
new technicolor saga of the South Seas . . Return to Paradise, which starred Gary Cooper .
MARY : And I guess you'll play the lead . JACK : Yup . . . Anyway, I felt that since I had been to the South 3on : Pacific, it would give me a good reason to do the picture . u , S~ C k k lftIt b BOB : He's right, Mary, and it'll be a natural f ro e, o I
was in Hawaii this summer the same time i~ ack was . yyu,-y,
MARY : I know, Bob ., in fact, the other day I met your wife and she showed me pictures of you riding a surfboard.
BOB : Yea.h, I really went in for that in a gig way• MARY :C y11 It looks awfully ha.rd .
DH
N7-tf 0 1 038 4 133 -9-
BOB : It is . . . but I practiced balancing myself and before I 1eft,
I was able to go-€ar out into the ocean, get on the board, I and come all the way in to shore standing up . JACK :k/v',l That's more than your musicians can do right here in the ? studio . . . .Believe me~nwk . ~oW BOB : 7OuLook, Jack, I told you last week . . .the boys don't like you
always picking on them . -yl.rsebays ' JACK : Oh, dhwy don't?
BOB : No, and I'm warning you . ., if you say anything,, about Remley,
he's going to sock you . . that's what his psychiatrist told
him to do . fRe.nle~~ JACK: Wait a minute -- A-snlg.e is going to a psychiatrist?
BOB : ~ ~'He goes every day, and he's
psychoanalyzed for hours . . . Just the three of them '.ocked in a room . i
JACK : ,U Three of them?
BOB : Ye44 the psychiatrist, Frankie, and that little green man
on his shoulder : Oh, you mean ClydeCl. JACK I He's cute : z-- a1•s . . .Anyway, the psychiatrist. BOB explained that there really
isn't any little man there . . Remley just thinks so because
he drinks so much .
JACK : Well, do you think the psychiatrist wi11 cure him from drinking? BOB
: wEV I He didn't get to Frankie, he's still working on Clyde .
. DH
RTH 01 0 18 .9.14 0 -10-
JACK : Gee, I didn't know Clyde drank . . .Anyway, Bob, that's what's wrong with your boys . .,That's all they think about . .•They . never pay any attention to their music . BOB : G~ Not all of them, Jack . . you take Bagby the piano player,
for instance .,, . .He's not like thatn. . . He's very serious Hz music all can . about his and 1~ studies he : ~Oh, ~qId.~oqesn~1 JACK . Well, let me show you somsthing .• .(CALhS) $H~~RS3&•
CHARISE : (AT HIS PIANO) YEAH? _ :^? ~{e s-4u~es--~e knuws c,11 JACK : x~lie~oome here a minute w~~~c , alouw'F` m ..6~ci r.v~c~ eu¢vvii{anq, ~¢, .~? (SOUND : COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS AS CHARiIE C0. UMFIS i TO MIKE) JACK : Charlie, I'd like to ask you a few questions about music . . . . ~Ow, How many pedals are there,on your piano?
CH4RL2E : Three .
h JACK : ~ And w at are these three pedals for?
CHARLIE : Water, soda and ginger ale . .. Wai.cr~ s ic . c.rd ir o.le- . JACK : CHARLIE: The electric guitar ma4ces ice cubes . 1, c,,,, 0.lain, Rry~C~1 JACK : -Neher-m"snd, sit down,.r .blhat'tt'aunch of guys . . .i~~ey didn't have this program, theytd all starve to death. BOB : Don't be so sure~bo~• . A couple of weeks ago Remley rade an appearance on The Ralph Ed .wards Show "Th.1s Is Your Life" . _, ...... _ . . . JACK: AM-1hey dramatized Remley's life? BOB : No, C1yde's•
'~" DH
ftT X0 1 01 84141 Rl~ -/ook - JACK:,, Bob, I'd love to continue this intellectual discussion, ! but we've jvst got to get on with the show ., .Don, set the
scene for the sketch. .
MARY : U~, Don is out in the hall with Dennis . 1 JACK : Oh, for heaven's asiws, is Dennis still asleep? MARY : Uh huh : What's he. JACK sleeping on?
MARY: Don . - jNk i JACK: Well,// I'll set the scene myself . . . Ladies and .Gentlemen, . .
tonight we w111 present our version of that current United
Artists release, Return To Paradise, and in this sketchi I I will play the part of -- `
- (SOUND : PHONE FSNGS) .
JACK : Hmmmm-.
(SOUND : PHONE RINGS . . .RECEIVEiT UP) JACK : Hello . -
ROCH : HELLO, MR . 3IIdNv, THIS IS ROCfH,'STII3 .
(APPLAUSE)
JACK : Rochester . . .I tried to call you baclc . :rlhat did you want? ROCH: THE INSLIlRANCE P.DJUSTNR WAS OVER TO SEE YOU ABOUT THAT ACCIDENT IN I'AE b'AX4IELL . co JACK : Oh, yes . . yes . . that accident to my-B4axweqi . . . Did he ask
you any questions?
ROCH: YES SIR . FIRST I3E ASSID IS YOU Wff2E A RfiCKLESS DRSVII?, .PSID I SAID "NO" . , JACK : Gcod .
DH
flTMO7 0 984142 -13- JA^T'+hewt--ti=e-aecident?
~9GH~-HB~R-T ER&-Iff-FR
lsia~:
.TAGI£ . ;:o-11,~rh5..$o-~hey_~-w-~ec~nc
3~0CEI :-fiIIRI a~AP7P-YOH--'_ OBRS-B
. JACK :
-Hever3y3iY33s-=--kkey-aer~'s ~ .,~iemset~en . . .
Well, I've got to get on with the program . . . .Goodbye
. . Rochester
d~ ' aaa;--ri I rl~ ate
24F BRP~
H±AITMIS. di~2I~r-?ieae:°~-Tgee~ys . I ROCH : G000000000'?5iyyyYi'yv_yF, i - ($OL' T~ : RECF- FB DOWN) ~ (APPIAIISE)
JACK : All right, Dou . . set the scene
DON : APID NQw, LFDIES AND GENTLEMFSf . .iJE PRRS ENT OUR VERSION OF
~fPK`PEB-~PE°fS ^_B'C IDIICOLOR SAGA OF THE SOi1TH SF.h9 --- 1 "R-1PURN "_'0 iAR2.DISfi" . .
(&4ND PLAYS =IF+WAI L-A N OR SOU_H S ;AS P4TiSIp)
P?T' :K07 0i34943 -14- j 70N : OUR STORY STARTS TWF3V7R-FNE YE9RS AGO ON THE ISLAND OF
MATA1?E2VA A TINY SPOT OF LAR D, SE'NMINGLY LOST IN THE VAST ~ ...... , . . .,~ EXPAIJSE OF THE PAC! .IC . . . . PEACEFUL IN APPEARANCE . . . LUSH idITIf 1 TROPICAL U!,IDFRCROWTH . . . . 3 (niusic UP THIIa OUT)
JACK : (FILTER) U7AH NAhIE IS CARY BENNY . . .I RWIXJUST LADIDFD OSi ^NE
ISLAND OF b1ATARETn7A AFTHR FOURTEEN CONTINUOUS DAYS OF ROWING .
FS-US15~W^o^r3's; "Un,
Mt-FCR-ME-BB9AU&R-"
-PAPFBBD, I WAS HUNQ2Y, BUT TFiAT DIDNIT WORRY ME BFEAUSE I '
FDiLW THII,SE TROPICAL ISLLANDS ABOUIVDED IN PAPAYAS . . :C THEI2E WHftE SO MANY PAPAYAS BECAtiSE.T- NEVIR COULD FIGURE OUT tJH I ~ NP.VER SAW ANY ALIMPYAS . . . . ANYWAYN I WAS WAT,3ING ALONG THE
. BRACH WfiW A iVATZ~ CA61E UP TO ME AND SAD : ~
DON : Aloha . '
JACK : (REG . MIAE) Aloha .
DON : Me chief of island . I JACK : Oh, Por a minute me thought you was island, hese--[roi:-tee:-~a}~tre ,es--skse-' aport- ~arr8 . '. k . . .
DH
H7-5{ 0 7 0784-i44 -15- JACK : 8tr. . . .(FILTFR) THE CHIER SAD HE WOULD ThLK TO HIS TRIBE TO
SEE IF I CCULD STAY . . .I3E TOOK ME AWAY AND PUT ME IN A ISPTLE
GRASS SHIICK . . .FOR THREG DAYS I DD NOTHING BUT SIT IN MY
LITTLE C=7ASS SHACK AND WATCH T?IE HU}iP_-_iUMA-NUKA-NCKA-AFU-
AH-AE GO SWIMMING BY . . . THE-T±MR-WASId+T -WA5TE9-HEEABSE-£T
ROBK-p}E-'FH&F ErDAi`3 fB-LE4RN~30W-iv-rnv^i :OHfIGL~FP . . . .THhIY THF"S
TOLD ME I COULD STAY AND IN MY .F%1ry0R Tfg,l' WOULD HAVE A FE4ST
THAT NIGFT . . .I WAS JUST GETTING READY TO LEAVE MY SHACK WHEN
SHE WAiSCGD IN . . .SHE WAS WFP.RING SOME KI ND OF NATIVE G_9Rb1IIVT
TEAT FITTED FUSt LIKE A GLCVE . . .I LOOKED AGAIN . . .IT WAS A i GLOVE. . .THEN SHE SM.ILID AT ME AND SAID :
MARY : Me chief's daughter . . .me come to take you to Luau . . .
JACK: (REG. MIKE) Gocd . . .but tell me . . .just vHat is a Luau? :LRRY : It is native feast . . .;+~ . . .bananas, berries,
. . . . .pineapple, coconuts, roast pig, steamed fish, andaara#}szt- heeY . JACK : Gosh .
MAHY : Then when everybody is full, ve bow and give thanks to Great White Father .
JACK : Who is great White Fzther?
MARY : Eiser.hower, we still on lend-lease .
JACK : (FILTE3) AS WE WALKID 70 TEE LUAU SHE TOLD ME E+1~R NAMF; WP.S
MY'AVA • . MYAVA WAS BEAUTIF[T . . NO^_ AS BEAUTIFUL AS SINATFAIS AVA, BUT BFAUTIFUL . . . . AFTER THE FEAST THEY PASSED AROII\7J A
BOWL OF THFiR NATrvE DRINK FROM WFD:CH ALL ^H* WARRIORS DRANK . . I . . .THE MAN SITTING NEBT TO ME HANDED IT TO M"m SAYING :
~`DH
8 0 0 1 TX 7 984 45 1 BOB : Fiere . . .you drink .
JACK : (BIG . MIKE) What's ic it?
BOB : Okoola Maluna Opal Vui .IVu1 .
JACK : What does that mean in English? BOB
: Mannashevavitz Wine .
JACK:' Oh . JACK : (FILTIIi) THE LUAII PROGRESSED AND SOON THE IDNSIC STP .RTED .
(PIANO PLAYS OPENT~*G PAfiT OF HAWAIIAN WAR CHANT) . (SOIIDID : . SELTZER SqJJL4T INTO PAN)
(PIANO PLAYS NEX P PART) , (SOUPID : SigII'ZER) (SHORT PART ON PIANO) ...... , ...... (SOIIPID : Sn'3IPZER)
(SHORT PART ON PIANO)
. . . . ~iM (SOUND : SELTZII?)
JACK : (FIIJTII?)/\ TRE MUSIC WAS BI'AUTIFOL AND BAGSY WAS PIAYING uS~n q ~M~ K .,ri 1~c1ea - TRE PIANON . .TFESi FOL7R WARRIORS CAME OUT AND SANG ONE OF
^_HEIR WAR CHANTS .
j9 ti{ 0 7 0 18494.6 -17-
QUART : TAH IIDO WAH EE LAH AH TAH H00 WAH EE LAH
AY HCC IL9Y NAY LAH AH
PEE LEE K0-0 LCO AH li9H
P00 TOO TOO SE LOO A EE TAY TOW AY AH H00 N00 LEE PC EE TAH POF AH LAH EE OW WAY TA H00 A IAH
OW WAY TA H00 A LP.H
TAH H00 WAH EE LAH AH I TAH H00 YIAH ~-~ LIICKY STRIKE i AY H00 HAY NAY IAH AH
PEE TEE KC-0 ONE WE LII{E
P00 TOO TOO E L00 AH,
FIRM AND FULLY PA CKED
NIsHPY FREE AND EASY ON ThB DRAW
TAHHOCWAHEELAHPH
TAH H00 WAH EE BEITER TASTE
AY H00 HAY NAY LOH-AH
PEE LEE KO-0 SMOOTHGR SMOKE
P00 TEE TOO TC-CO
I bffGh'' FIN3 TOBACCO
I HAH NOO LEE PO SMCIL A LUCKY STRIKE ~~UC W E ALL EF'AH EE4H F7 AH 0.~K SMOKE LUCKY 9TRIICG
OUR FTRST CHOICE EPAH EPAH 3 wtK' ALWAYS LUCKY STRIIf
I UGH UGH UGH EEAH EE AH, LS 'idFT
I
HTX07 0184 14? -18-
i7ART : COiVT'D . )
~ FLL, DE00DE00DEE LIAIk, s ONLY BETTER TASTING-LUOKY-S'i'R$0; FOR KA.NAICA
LUCKY STRIBE IS MADE OF
MIGePCY MLGHPY ;4IGHI'Y MIGFPPY FINE TOBACCO
IS, LS, LS, IS, L9 [+1FT
PUF'F A LUCXY AS YOU S.P BENEATH A CO-CO TREE
WITH YoUR FISH AA D PoI
THAT'S THE SMOKE YOU WIId, ENJOY
LS, Ls, xs rv U r REMEMBER LUCKY STRIKE AND AS YOU WATCH TfL HULA HULA I 4 LUCI{Y STRI KE WILL ALWAYS EaP TO FEEP YOU COOLA ! FRESH AND CLEANER TOO LUQSi.•' IS TRE SMOKE FOR YOU 1 BE HAPPY AND GO ~UCK`C STRIIQ'
BE HAPPY GO LUCKY STRIKE
(APPLAUSE)
Ar .K 0 1 0 1 6 4.14 0 _19_
(TFIIRD ROUTINE) I ~ JACK : (FII,T'~~.) LIFE WAS PLEASANT ON THE ISLAPID, AND AS TIME .
W?NT ON, I FELL IN LOVE WITH MYAVA . . .ONE DAY I W&NT UP TO
Fk;R AND SAID :
JACK : (REG MIKE) Myave, will you marry me? ID1ARY: Me no can marry you . . .You couunoner . .Me princess . JACK : (FILTFJi) MYAVA FAD BE'ERi ACPING THIS WAY EVER SINCE N_ER ~
PICTURE WAS ON THE COVER OF WOMAN'S h'ON E COMPANION . . . . BUT _V~ DID NOT GIVE UP . . .I CONPINUED COURTING HEft . . .ONE DAY WE WERE
AT A PICNIC WITH THE NATIVE4 . .THE ISL.9NDEftS WERE ALL IN A
HAPPY MOOD AS T?-LY TALKED TO EACH OTHER .
~ DON : Maka hila nool huma malahini opa hally kokomoko . Nut Nui maana loa okoola pow maluna poi pow .
MEL : (IAUGHS ITYSTERICAIdY . . .THEN STOPS AND SAYS) . .Pango pango
moana kilany rui raratongas pot opa nui hap-hoale nui hula i hoo hooky lau kona oahu luau nut . DON & MEL :(LAUGH fLSTERICAISY) i JACK : (FIITE .) T HERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT . .THAT NEW HAWAIIAN WRITIIi 1 I FIIR,.^D IS TERRIFIC . . . MT9VA WAS IN A HAPPY MOOD, T00, AND 1 ONCE AGAIN I PRCPOSED TO YM . .TffiS TIME SEE TOID ME THE 3EAL I REASON WHY SfL'WOiIIDN'T MARRY ME . IT WAS ON ACCOUNT OF T8E ! R'JLER OF THE ISLAPD . .A CRII&L DICPATOR THEY CALLID THE MASTER . .
I DECIDED TO LL7 THE DICT1,1'94? KNOW I WAS COM IN G TO SEE IIDM BY
USING THE JNGLE TEZS,PHONE SYSTPM . .TRE NATIVE DRUMS .
(SOUND : DRUM BEATS RIl .'tTfIlvIICAS,TYF'OR A COUPLE OF SECONDS . . FADES OUT . . THEN ANOTHE'i? SOUNDING DRUM FADES
IN BEATiNG RELYTfMICALi,Y . )
19 T ;K41 0 18•R 149 BEA : Say, Leilani? . SARA : What is it, MaHila?
BEA : Mr . Benny's drum is beating . . SAR4 : Yesh . . I wonder what "the goon of Matacura" wants now . B.A : I'}1 answer him and find out
: SEVERAL ILCGH . (SOJND PITCHED DRUM BEATS ON b11ISE . . .
(PAUSE) . . . THEN WAYCFF NtINE WE HFAR
SEV ERAL IAW PPPCHE;D DRUM BEATS) -B . 3ecrkind-af-serpnfeed-tast-he-Neette-ta-nffirr9-MS~~'R- £ARA-:-"^~.` He-akways--teolFme-te-the-beach-.-We-es titre`rn-ret-~i.r
JACK : (FIIa''GR) SHE L2T THE .MASTER KNOW I WAS,CCMING AND I WEMP TO
'LTS HOi1SE. HE WAS A CRIL'L RULER . . . HE 1PEffu'R LFC~' THE NATIVES
HAVE ANY FUN . . .HE WOULDN'T ALLOW THE NATIVE BOYS :TC GO WITH
TFI»; NATIVE GIFSS . . . I ALSO 80i]ND OUT TfI9T IT WAS HE WRC
WOULDN'T LEC Tfi-G PAPAYAS HAVE ANY M6IMAYAS . . . . I IIVTFRRED I3I5
HOUSE AITil 4ifiF.1V I CAME FACE TO FACE WITH RIM, I SAD :
JACK : (REGITLAR p1LNE )(RCA591GTICAli.3) Sir, I,come to you, not with
anger in my heart, but with love . I would like to marry
Myava, and live in this beautiful pesadise, in some little
grass shack, nestled under the lush palm trees, cooled by
the balmy breezes -aad~ ---
DENNIS : Ehhh, shut up! JACK: But, sir--- ,
13T :K 0 9 0 16 4 750 -21-
DENNIS : You no can marxy Myava . JACK: Wait a minute--why are you so harsh . .why don't you allow the
natives to enjoy themselves? .
DENNIS : •%,rY hk no have fun, no one have fun . JACK: *n`1?4 can't you have any fun? DENNIS : My appendix is killing me .
3A^Y: -3~ai3"f-~irrs • -
JACK: :~.Ve11,,look, Master . . I love Myava and I want to marry
ner . Ck~ DENNIS :A Me talk it over with my adviser . . Malahini nui opa keely killo paw? ,
MEL : (TINY SOHT VOICE) Nui Nui palooey okanumi .
JACK: . Who's that?
DENNIS : Clyde . dACY• 9h*
JACK: . (FILTE,R) THEY IF;LD A:vOTftER CON5U7TATIDNAND SENT ME AWAY FRON
THE ISLAPID . .THEY CAST ME ADRIFT 6PF-TfE-0E?EfiN -. -THIS- B~ffE?r
8A' - -e- TFD: CURRENT BEGAN TO
CARRY ME AWAY, I LOOIfl;D HACK AT THE DISTAP7t' SHORE, AND TI-L~EE, STANDING ON THE BEACH WAS M.L'4VA . .I WAS NkNY MILTS A+dAY, BUT
I COULD aPII,L SEE HER BECAUSE aHE WAS STANDING ON HER TWO
HCNDRED COPIES OF Tf~' WOMAN'S HCMF COMPASdION . .THAT IS MY
STORY. .BUT IT IS NOT COM3LSTE . FOR 50 DIIlAY I SFALL . . .RET - TO PARA7ISE . . YUp.
(APPLAUSE A_l'D PI„AYOFF)
flTiS0 1 0184151 SEPTEA'IDER 20, 1953 _22_
JACK : Ladies and gentlemen, the signing of the truce in Korea
makes the writing of letters to the men in ihe Service in
Korea and all parts of the world even more important than
before . Letters to the members of the Armed Forces overseas by their relatives and friends is an important step in building morale and keeping .i,t high. So pleaee write tonight . Thank you . (APPLADSE)
WILSON : Jack will be back in just a minute . . . but first, a word to cigarette smokers .,,
AY}S 0 1 0 78 4 752 T7-IE JACK BESINY PROGFAM AMERICA"N TOBACCO CO . SEPTEMBER 20, 1953 (Transcribed Septeiioer 17, 1953) CLOSING CObQ4ERCIAL ; _ . _ . ._ . ._, . . .. . _ . . _____ . . . ._ ., ._ ._ . __ ._ _ _ COLLINS : Luckies taste better
CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother COLLSNS : Luckies taste better
CHORUS : , Cleaner, fresher, smoother
For Lucky Strike m ans fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco
COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORIIS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky Strike . . . Lucky Strike
WIISON : This is Don Wiison, friends . There's no doubt about it . Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact
of the matter is Luckies taste better . 'Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Now, freshness is particularly iuportant, for if
a cigarette isn't truly fresh, it can't possibly give you the eniovu:ent it should . That's why every pack of Luckies
is extra tightly sealed -- to bring you Luckies' better
taste in all its natural freshness . Yes, Luckies do taste
better, because -- first -- i8/t+tF'1 -- Lucky Strike aear_s
fine tobacco . Then, too, Luckies taste better because
they're made better . . . made round and firm and fully packed,
to draw freely and smoke evenly . So, friends, smoke the cigarette that has better taste when it's made, and then
brings you all thai better taste in a fresh cigarette . Yes,
be happy -- go Luc Ask for a carton of Lucky Strike anrl
find out for yourself that Luckies really do taste better .
RT1{01 0 1 64 153 PAGE 1"d0 -D- CLOSING CON,MERCIAL - SEPA'F'_6i EFi 20, 1953
SPCfiTSEN (LONG CLOSE) QUARTET : Be happy -- Go Lucky I Get better taste today ;
N T-?SO 1 01 H4.1 54 -(TAC) -23-
JA9K: Ladies and gentlerren, that concludes my second radio program
of the season, and we'll be with you again next Sunday night ( - at the same time and every Sunday after that until June
' ~~kX . Oh boy, here it is vacation again . . .Goodnight, folks . (APPLAUSE & MUSIC)
DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Milt Jose£sberg,
JoPn Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and
transcribed by Hilliard Marks . .
Be-sure to hear "The American Way" wit* Horace Heidt for
Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station . Consult your newspaper for the time .
The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Stri'se,
product of the American Tobacco Company . . .America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes .
-~ KT
19 T,"f{ 0 1 0 1 84 755 PROGRAM #3 REVI,9SD SCRIPT ~~Qs 7~roadc~isr r
~} SCAH T089CC0 COMPANV'
LUCla sTftr.~,
T HE C ~N~'y PROCSiP
s= Y, sEPTEM ER 27, 1953 CCBS 4 :00 -- 4 :30 PM Pr/P
( T`ReivsCaiHED SsPm . 24, 1953)
CL
HTMO! 0784956 JACK HENNY PROGRA'.d ANT;RICAN TOBACCO C0 . REVISED) SRPTENER .27, 1953 (Transcribed September 24, 1953 OPENING CONMERCIAL ......
W.li.SON : The Jack Eenny program . . . transcribed a.nd presented by
' ' Lucky Strike!
COIL2=S5 : Luckies taste better
CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother
COLLZNS : Luckies taste better CHORi7S
: Cleaner, fresher, smoother
For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS
: Cleaner, fresher, smoother!
- Lucky Strike . . . Lucky Strike i
WILSON : This is pon wilson, friends . . . Luckies better taste is the big reason why so many peopbe are switching to Lucky
Strika . Sure, everybody lmows that smoking enjoyment is i all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is
Luckiies taste better -- cleaner, fresher, smoother . Know
why? ide11, L8/MFT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . Light, naturally mild good tastln~ tobacco . A:d then,
Luckies are made better to taste better -- made round and
firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly . .
It F s justas plain as day that fine tobacco in a bettar
made cigarette is bound to give a better-tasting smoke .
So ask for Luc Strike he next time you buy cigarettes .
That t s right .-. be happy and go lucky . You'll find
Luckies do taste better -- cleaner, fresher, smoother .
SPOR^ySME N QUARTET : Be happy -- go Lucky Get better taste today! (Long Close)
aL
RTX 0 4 0184 9 5 7 (FIRST ROUTINE) -I_ (REVISED) (AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC Ui AND DOWN)
DON: THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, S TARR.ING JACK BENNY. . .'r1ITR MARY LIVINGSTOiVE, ROCfIESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, APID "YOUft3 TRUILY" DON WILSON.
(APPL9USE . . .MUSIC UP APID DOWN)
DON : LADIES AND GENTLEMEN . . .EVERY' SATQR7 AY MORNING AFTER
REFmoRSpy TfC JACK kT;Nit*Y CAST USUALLY DROPS INTO THE CORDC:R
DRUG STORE FOR A LIGfIT LUNCH . AS TiT; eCENE OPENS, ALL OF
US, WI'II3 THE PXCEPTION OF JACK .HAVE JUST (EftED DRUG STORE .
(SOUND : DRUG STORE AND LUNCHEONETTE NOISES UP . . . . 1 FADE TO B .G.)
DON;47e're lucky, gsllows . . .it isn't crowded at all .
„E m,TG . Y a;; ._._:we-ean e have onr-=egUiar-taB3er_ BOB : Well, let's sit down 3 : SCUqFLSIDG. (SOIIND OF CEAIRB)
w F x 0 1 0 18 4 7 58 -2- ( REvisFD )
MpRY : Hey, Jack must have finishedhis busines s at the studio . . .
he's standing on the corner on the other side of the street .
DONn I wonder wha`e the private business was he had to take
care of? t[ARy:W¢II~ He went up to see ?1r . =ckerman, the Vice President of
C .B .S . . . . This is the day Jack is giving the network his
uitimatum . SOB :What Ultimatum? bll1RY : Either C .B .S . gives him free parking or he~s going back
to N .B .C .
DENNIS : Gee, that'll never work .
BOB : WO Why not? .
7EIDNIS ; '1'hat's why he left N .B .C . in the first place . 1 MAEZY : 'Pha.t's right
BOB : `~ Look at Sack~~ .he's still standing on the other aide of
the street .
DON : Yeah, he's been t,here about five minutes now .
YAARY : If a Boy Scout doesn't show up he'11 never get across . . . . on, Oh look, fellews, he's crossing the street by himself . . . 11 he decided to rough it .
DENNIS : *d0id, THIS ISEXCITING :
NAHY : Dennis, don't be so noisy .
(S0i1ND ; DOOH OPENS OFF WITH TINYS,Y BE LL. . .4Jc HBAR OFr TRAFFIC NOISES . . .DOOR CLCSES. .SOUND OUT)
DON: CffI iL',HE WE ARE, JACK . I JACK : (OFF) OkaP . . . . sorry I took so long . (SOUPID : COIIPLE QF FOOTSTEEPS . . .STOP)
RTM01 07 84 159 -3- ( REV .) f.; -~2PE d~~NeN JACK: What did you1\ kids order?
BOB : Nothing . .we were waiting for you . 51~ JACK: Oh, then I'llhcall the waitress . .(SWEELLY) Gh, Miss, Miss . Mk C IRSS : 1=1 DA YA WANT, AM ? JACK : We'd like to exder some food . .,do you have a menu?
IRIS : yeah . .here .
JACK : Thanks . .now let me see . . .Hey, wait a minute . .this s-s
a menu from the BroWn Derby .
IRIS : I kr.ow, the stuff on ours would turn your stomach .
JACK : Hmrmn . ysr BOB : Look, ?21.ss . .a11 I want 1s~an egg sandwich and a glass of milk .
YAkY: I'll have the same .
IRIS : Okay . .Hey, wait a m].nute . .ain't you Mary Livingstone?
MARY : yes, I am
: Aidn't you used. IAIS to work at the May Company?
MARY : _hat's right .
IRIS : Well, imagine running into you . N,ary I,i.vingstone,vingstone, S .C . BOB : S .C .?
MAKY: Stccking Counter .
BOB : Oh .
IRIS : Well Mary, don't you remember me? . .I was at the May Company, too, ~-t MAAi : Well, you do look?~- Oh, of course . .you're Tilly Foster,
PI ::L
t3T X0 7 0 i6 4 9b1.~ -4- (REV .)
JACK : N .d .? .
IBI,q : Night Watchman .
MARY : That's right .
IBIS : What a small world .
JACK : Look will you two stop travelling down Memory Lane . . . I'm hungryh5"e.
IAIS : Okay, Pops . .~e~ou-want?
~„ _ _ nk
~RI~ :-__-~O~fBBr~}9t3ghAHta~~W e,~-'snrtcctr~CnLS .
JACK: Look, just bring me coffee and a doughnut .~"11~1°" NSs, . IAN : -Naaz Miss ---
IRIS : Y~; V~at do you want, Tafon Boy?
DON: (MAD) Now wait a minute, Miss . . .maybe I have to take
those kind of insults w!sen I'm on the radio . . .but I
don't have to take them from you .
IB2S : Gee, I'm sorry, Mac . .I didr.'t know you was sensitive .
IpBt: Well, I am . .you don't have to presume I'm not sensitive
just because I'm a big fat slo b .
JACK : Dan . .control yourself . .
DON: AI1 ri g t . .Now Miss, I'd like to order . . .all I want is a bowl of vegetable soup.
IRIS : Okay, , L ..inG JACK : Dennis,\what'11 you have?
D'eNNIS : Let me see, .Miss, do you have any Vieysoisse?
IRIS : No,
EC
flT :K01 0 184161 -5- (RCV .)
IE,TINIS : Yie11, do you have any escargots saute en vin rose? ~ IRIS : No .
DL,NNIS : Well, how about shisnkebob and ehasH3#ok? RZTS : No .
JACK : Dennis, this is only a drugstore . W$9 are you ordering things like that?
DENNIS : I j aet want her to know I've been around .
JACK : -D ena#a, Stop being siliy and o ver something you'd get in a drug store . .
DENNIS : Okay -- I'll have a chicken sandwich . IRIS : With mayonaise?
:.~'1¢VIS : Vo, tooth paste . JACK : Now cut that out . . .Miss, just bring him a chicken . . now sandwich . That's a11h . .Go get the food .
IRIS : OKAY, MAC, I'LL BE BACK IN A FLASH WITH THE TRPSE . JACK : Never nrind, just go get it .
( SOIIND : IB;PAA7NG FOOTSTh_"'S ) - ~+s JACK : . . :Lou know, it'q~ haxd to believe that she used to do
the corrsnercizls on the Lady Esthenr program . .dvow look,
Dennis, when we do the show -- waft e„ iaa te, where did Dennis go? MA1,'Y : I don't know . .
DJN : Oh, there he is, over by the Juke Box .
EC
R r }{Oi CJ1B 4 762 -6- EV (R frc) DENNIS : (OFF) Hey look, they've got one of my records
4uk-bm .
M( -,iY : Why don't you play it, Dennis? .
S ENNIS : I can't . . .I haven't got a nickel .
JACK: Has anybody got a nickel?
BOB : I na.ven't .
DON : . . .Neither have I .
MBRY; All I have is a dime .
JACK : I can change it . i M4AY: . . . .Jack 3enny, I ought --
JACK: All right, all right . . .Here's the nickel, Dennis . . . Catch . (SOUND : NICKEL IN SLOT . . .MGCHANISM STARTS) - Yke-Uhat; _`-
"TaekYUeren-t-yeu~nrpri sed4-
.a-...~-:Ie-was-surgr#s
JArFC . gui~-gaid-£er..tfie-sang; I-wa'~.vhear-it i (DENNIS'S SONG) "I'M WAL[{.TNG BEIDSVD YOU")
(APPIAUSE)
i
,9TXQ7 0 484163 MARY : Gee, that was beautiful . ,
JACK : It sure was . . .(UP) Say Dennis, will you Sook in the julx I boxf aia.i see if there are any ---- 3taa. . .now where did that kid go?
DON : I don't know . . .he disa ppeerad while tl e-song was glie~ . JACK : Oh. . .
MARY : Say Bob, I've been meaning to tell you how much I enjoy your
new C .B .S . television show .
DON : ~~ Nie, too p ~b . ' JACK : Same here, i§sVIj. .I watch your shows every afternoon and they're very gocd .
( I ) Thanks, , .ack .
L4I
HTM01 0 1841 6 4 -8- (aBVISEO) yok knew~ j~s+-c.1~kN .: c nsh-U~I~_c crr~« .„ C JACK: But I have a little suggestion^ I thought that if you got - burmlty~ic~ a comedy guest star occasionally, youtd get, more laughs on
. the programr5r= .
BOB : But~ Jack,goAfor we don't guest stars . . .mine is 4nat a homey show .
JAC,K:Bob, homey show or not homey, I still think it's a big lift
. to have a guest star come in . .particularly a comedian .
BGB : WcL~ Maybe so, butn we donIt have much money in the budget . JACKt Well . . .how much .^canm you pay for a guest star9. BCB : (J.Ih About fifteen bucks .
MARY : For fifteen bue k s Jack can be homey . -~ JACK : Ger;airr3y. . .I Lnow a lot of recipes . ..Anyway Bob, itIs a very good show and --- ~
. DENNIS : (COMING IN) Hey, did the rest of you finish eating already?
TACK : Yes, Dennis, where were yon?
DEiWiIS : Well, I thought as long as we were in a drug store, 2'd weigh myself .
JACK : Oh.
D~NNIS : I weigh a hundred and forty pounds, stripped . JACK : Stripped?
DENNIS : I took the weighing machine into the phone booth. JACK : Look, Dennis . . .
DENNIS : And when I put in 4ihe penny, a little card came out . BOB :b:JP, What did it say?
DDNNIS : "Put on your pants, kid, a lady wants to use the phone ."
RT 90 7 01 3 4 1 6 5 Jn -~- (~~ID) ~ennis~ nresd.j ,, .,~tl 51,(1 . r . JACK : ~ Gk-stopnbeing silly . _ 1- DON : C1h He's not being silly, Jack . . .sometimss those thirgsnhappen
by coincidence .
JACK : Oh sure~ ~urc . wal~, W ...vs DON: A ft's the truth. Once I put a penny in a scale and you ought to see the card that came out . JACK : Wy,What did it say? DON : "Get off, you're hurting me ."
JACK : Well, that I believe .T~wI- °oin-~<<
HT"MOT 01B 4 7 6 d -9- (FEVISEn)
IBIS : I hate to break up thisrctuid table discussion, but
, will there be anything else?
PMRY : Not for me . . . anyone want anything? DON : Not me .
BOB : Wci~ ='ve had enough . I IRIS : Okay . ., here's the check .
BOB :~h',~ I'll take it, Miss . .
DON : No no, Bob . . . let me pay it, it's my turn today . O n w I]ENNIS :h Wait a minute, Don, you paid last ti:ne . . . I'll pay
today . {1Jw DON : No no . . . Bob paid last time it's my r.arn . N~, Jc n, y,,..~ .. BOB : ' You're i+rong . . . Dennis Iaidnlast time . . . and„it's
my turn .
MARY : Oh, for heaven's sakes, felloas . . . let's all go Dutck. . JACK : Nary, it's their argument, keep out of it . . . It doesn't
concern you, Krow .
IRIS : FIey, Blue 3yes . how come you never pay a check, did you
take a pledge or something?
C?T ;KO1 01 84967 -lo- (RevIS;D)
JACK : For your information, Miss, it just so happens that the r last time I picked up the check .
IRIS : You had to, you were alone .
JACK : That Pas nothing to do with it .
BOB : Ch1 Miss, I'll pay it . . . Hsre . . . keep the char g e . SRIS : Thanks . ~F P.rn1 : I've got-W car outside . . . s:ece3d anybaly~ke a lift?
DENNIS A, Not me . . it's such a-nice day, I ' m gccna walk .
BOB : C{s, Say Don, Irve got to go over and see my brother about ,q -ky sometA±n g N . . you pass Bing's house on your way home,
donrt you?
DON : Ye^ Bob . .
BOB : B+'ell, would you ;n.ind dropping me off at his €rent gate? DON : Look, I'll drive you right up to his door .
BOB : No, just drop me at the gate, I'11 take a bus the rest of the way .
J9CK : Gee, he xustnhave a big placeJ~«~ ~~
~'IS. : 'mr, z.'e~au-guys-talk-i-ag-abaut?
£B&:-- .__- . brotnsrTBizig- .
-w?IVPFIO- ._ - Plaeie- .3rep,~. JACIC:-
(SOUND : TIIVSQ,Y BELL RIPiGS AS DOOR OPENS . uvF, NOW
E1F'BR ' .'RtlFFIC NOISES . . . FOOTSTCPS . . . FADE
TO B .G .)
BOB : W z li ~ So long, 1Nary I . . Jack . _
I 1 MAEtY & JACK : So long~ =~.,., . y~ I
RTM 0 1 076 4 1E3 -11- (FiJ)
DON: lb~t33 ee you at the show . JACK: Yeah. .so long, Don : TFtAFFIC.~ee yo4 (SOUDID NOIS:.S UP & DOWN)
MARY : Gee, it~s still early . .and the weather ' s so nice . . .I -S
think I ' ll go out and play nine holes of golf . an4 JAC:S: Mary, that's a wonderful idea .R .I'll join you . Can you drive me by the house, I've got to pick
yu} up mydclubs .
MARY : Sure . . .Nyq car*s right in that psrking lot . JAC3: Good . .you get the car and meet me at the corner. . I want to get a newspaper . MARY: All right . . .see you in a couple of minutes . a+U( . Bna~~ . (SOUND : FOOTSTE2S . .'IEi.AFFIC N013ES . .AUTO HORNS, ETC .)
JACK: Gee, thst g ob Crosby is a'nice guy . . :Imagine him GEe- giving the waitress a dollar tip .^ .I41'cet it made
her feel good . . .I got a thrill out of it and I was
only watching . . .Now letts see .,, .wFich paper do I--
HT}iO7 0184169 -1z- (REV)
HPARPI: . . Hi ya, Rube . ( JACK : Huh? . .Ch, it's my friend from Calabasas . . .
. (APPLAU4s) JACK
:N1dI Gosh, I Aa.ven't seen you in nearly a year . i yEARN :Y41„ But I seen you, Rube .-: :Seen you on television a couple ~
- weeks ago . .
JACK : Ch. .did you like my show? i 8FAffiJ : Ye$U .especially that Marilyn Monroe ga1 . . .Hot diggety . . . She's another Theda Bara . JACK: (IAUGHING) '_`ealr . YES, }?JVV.itl gou-t^'_ara-. Rthe-a g 1 kil'~that-as~v~~~a~ ,~sda~3sn-3
i Wci' JACKK : B:r,-ahr-ak .7 :.Te11 me, what are you doing here in Los Angeles?
HEARN : )- Came to get some supplies for my farm . . :Z just bought an
electric milking machine . JACK : You need an electric milker £or your cows?
SEARN : Yep, it's 't'_nda hard .to squeeze out a living by hand . . . : . (LaUGHB) Hee tree bee, ain't that acumdinger? Heard
it on a homey show the ot her afternoon . Cou~,l i'~..o- LU bF O,es LL= .++ Enn . .. . .: ._r... JACK : H ell_; '_` __ .,.._ . _ __ .,__a _ , .~ m_„_ _„s;r-aany-ceyy"o..you
EF
fl7-5i07 0 7 841 i 0 -13-
~ -H&~RN--£kre-Iu `h^a - alf .
JACK : ©hroh,_eh . Is that a11 you have on your farm, just cows? ~N no . . . AEARN : Oh no .main crop is grapes . . .we operate our own winery . /-, I
JACK : Well, that sounds like a nice pleaaant occupation .
HF,IRN : Pleasant but dangerous, Rube, ^angexro zs . . .In fact, just
a short time ago my uncle fell i W:o one of those big vets fu11 of wine and drowned . .
JACK : '}-- drowned in wine?
FLARNe Yep ., .tqok the mortician five days to get the smile off his face . _ w
(°CUAT : TWO 7AiII) D1PATiyT BEGPS OF AN AUTO HORN)
JACK : Oh, I ' m so^ry, that c- . u=_ honking for me. .I*ae got to go now . . .=~s 6ice running into pou . . .Coodbge . HEARN: So long, Rube .
JApK : So 1ong, so 1ong.
(APPLdWSE) Ik 60L1VD : COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS . . .CAR DOOR OPENS) . . . .
JACTi: Here I am, i4ary .
iKARY : Hiya, Rube .
JACK : Oh, stap . . . . Come on, let ' s get going ..
(SOUND : CAR MOTOR GOINCr . . .FADm AND SUS:AIN IN B .G .)
MARY: Gee, I ' m glad we finished rehearsal early . d t -s Suah a .ice day for go1f .
JACg: 'feah . . .Eey;-Mnr~J,
works-:::hock-at-thestgnvn-tAe-ararr,uee. --Frank-Ro-^..~'-_^v-°_~
. in v . .me mnAi vnA
heaY~eN-e6nd-;
QZ
HTX 0 1 0 7 8 4'1 :1 aaGi{~--aro-kEdd#wg?: ~Row-dia-Fr~na~~--~'-ek-t.eaaixig •~,.`~tra:
M~R_VT -Q}},-,wOAdePf~3'~i ~a~p~Si ng-th-zulta--Rod
'h8d-e~ig-srt.3-7.'e-t3~#s-faco-?hC xi].y--tt~#ng t il.. ..igy~; or~omeGhing .-~ut,~-thongirb-icEs . . --tc ~ .
d(kC'---WeI17, "'" ry -.mhe-naxt~~ I-sc'-g@ it}I~uH .
MARY : - Okay . . . . Say, Jack, what did the headlines in the paper sa9? .
JACK: -,Dks, how do you like that -- I kept tallcng with that
farmer~ asd- I forgot to buy a paper .
MARY : Well, turn on the radio, and we'll hear the news .
JACK : All right .
(SO7JiID : CLICK OF RADIO . . . STATIC WHISTLES)
HY : (FILr1'ER) AND NOW FOR ANOTf+F,R NEWS ITEN[ , .,PROFESSOR
THADDEUS LAMBERT OF THE iRVIVERSITY OF SOUPHERN CPS,IFORNIA
HAS FOUND A SUCCES 37 CL SOLUTION TO TFIE SPQOG PROSLEdA IN
LOS ANGFS.ES . . . . HE HAS M04=) TO COLOR2UO . . . . WE CONTINUE OUR
PROGRAM WITH A M[JSICAL INTERLUDE, AND BRING YOII THE
S20RTSbIDV QUARTET SPiGIYiG "bH",
JACK: Mary, that ' s our quartet .
MARY : Yeah .
FiTX01 0134772 QIIaRT : Oh, la de I Oh, how-she can snuggle, she's as sweet as can be . Oh, the way she whispers pretty nothing's to me
All I can do Is holler Oh, it isn't what she does, butnthe clever way she does it Especially when she meets me neath the moon above
ia msm-uweet cookie Oh, what'll I do the way she sends me With her go get 'em eyes And puts me in a flurxy Oh, the way I fall for all her beautiful lies Believe me I should worry
Oh, the way she feeds me taffy
C~ I think she'll drive me daffy i Oh, oh, oh, oh, Now r, y c ..n IS#A k my super sentimental wonderful sweetie te love I .Oh, lady, oh du de loo de he er The way yea hol& a Lucky Strike in your hand It makes me very happy Oh, du le loo de
For deep down smoking pPleasure Luckies are grand . w YeU-i_-_.._.~.,m-13{ce gaur~aby .
Oh, such fine and light tobacco
Oh, there's twenty in a pack so
Lady, when I see you light a Lucky
I know;ja Lucky has a better taste it is true I like to sing about 'em
Oh, a cleaner fresher smoke, much smoother, Sss I'll never be without 'em .
EM - A1'X 0 1 01 8 41 ;3 -15B-
QUART : Oh, the only smoke for me is
Oh, an L8 M F T and
Oh, oh, oh, oh,
I'm so wild about a Lucky .A11 I can say is just Oh ..h sw1 cs ~ ...~ A . .(APPL4USB) (i, t- u
F?1`J{ 0 1 0 1 8 4 17 4 - ...... e ...... _ ._.__.._._ ...... -...... _ . . . . 1
~- (THIRD ROUTINE)
(SCIIND : CAR COMING TO STOP) MAR_V:~yzU Here we are, Jack . Run in and get your clubs .
JACK : Want to come in the house w3 tix='me for a minute, Mary?
MARY : No, I'll wait out here in the car .
JACK : 9key . . . it won f t take .me long .
(SOUND : OAR DOOR OPENS & CIASES . . . FOOTSTEPS
ON C4QVT WALK . . . SUSTAIIV IN B .G .) JACK• 6ee,~lse-Salmai~~poks-crzc~- . . : `i.eg*r~wax~eY'£G1
np;oT,r,~,.a =~ns~fence-theg-gut-betwe~s-
is-heau4i4h- - ~-tkze~arHed--
wirrP_ . yci~ •-thiak-Yt-wrott3. .
elestr#ctty. . . . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS STOP . . .KGY IN DOOR . . . DOOR i ' OPENS &.CIASES)
ROCH : (oFF) IS THAT YOU, MR . BENNY?
JACK : Yes, Rochester . ' r" . ROCH : (COMING IN) WOULD YOU LIIKE ME TO .4149L YOU SOME LUNCH?
JACK : No tha.nks, I just -- wait a minute, Rochester . . . what
are you dotng with my violin? i ROCH : I t M GOING TC PUT IT SACK IN THE CASE . THAT VIOLIN ' S BEEN
L=M AROUND EVER SINCE YOU WENT OFF THE AIR LAST JUNE . JACK : That long?
ROCH : UH HUH .•• IN FACP IT*S GOT MOLD ALL OVER IT, JACK : We11, did you wipe it off?
ROCH: NO SIR .
JACK : Why not?
EM
fA7-X 0 1 0184175 ,~... ' - 17 . ROCII : BOSS, MOLD DtAt0A9 PENIOriLTN AND THAT THIA'G NEEDS ALL TI-IE
~ HEi,P IT, CAN GET . . JACK : Never mind . . . and clean it up good because Pm going M .. , to play 4i on my television show next Sunday .
ROCII : NCT' M : : T % JACK~r : Certain'Lg ; They asked me to .
-R9BfY.- . 33VGRt-P'SNATE 1`Of7? i JACK : -Bea1-t-~e-fln[exg . . . Now Iook, ITm going out to play some
golf with Miss Livingstone . . .
ROCH: OF} YOUR CLUBS ARF IN THE CLOSET .
JACY, : I know . . . And Rochester, at five o t clock T_ we.nt you to ~~~ nase. . ` - . drive out to the clubA and bring me home . ycvnatw.~ll ROCH : I CAN'T MR . BENtdY .,, TIE NECHAPiICS ARE WORKING ON TFH.~-EAE2 t-.
• - DOWN AT THG GARAGE . JACK : Why, what's wrong with my car?
ROCH : NOTHI AP, IT ' S JUST TID E F'OR ITS MILLION MILE CHECK-IIP,
-JAC.. . --_A-mi11a3n- ~- h -Ywhere-§id: we~ea '-3D. - .,~~ar?
R6CEE:- ._- _-FRO&L~TO-F~ER%~PY .
_ SACK : All right, all right , . ; I RI have Miss Livingstone drive
me home . . . Now Rochester, don 1 t bcther about di n ner
tonight because I ' m going out .
ROC3 : OKAY . ., BUT BoSS . . . .
JACK : Yeah?
R1'X 0 1 0 1 8 47r6 l.. . . -ls- (HE.'PISsr.D)
I1CIL° kEId. . . . PP'S NONE OF NIY BUSIPL'SS . . . BUT I THPIIC YOU OUGHf ~ TO STFY HOME TOIVIGHT WI'LH POLLY . JACK : WU+ The ?arrot? ~
MCH : `ZFJ1H . . . SHE'S BEEN ACTING AWFULLY F[AVNY LA_'EuY . . . SHE'S -51,es
SO MOODY . ~ ~
: 0(, Rochester . . . JACK ) I think you're imagining it, Parratsndon't get moody .'
RO CH : WELL, POLIY IS . . . AND SHE'S TAING THL' STRANGEST T_-il4GS .
JACK: ' What do you mean?
.%1C% : MlE1"lf3ER THAT COCONUT YOU BMUGHL BACK TO HER FRJM I-hAWAII? JACK: Ye&y .did she eat it?
RO CH: EAT IT, SHE'S TRYING TO HATCH IT .
~ ~ JACK : Hm~ . . Well, maybe I better go in ae-d take a look at her . --
(SOUND: COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS . . . LY10R OPENS . . . 1 i : ooUPr E MoRE FoomSTEPS) i JACK : (V5'RY BRIGHI') Hello, Po11y . ! MGL: (MAr s snn Nas3ES) f-) .tsy . r+eF 4r-" ) JACK : Gee, shenst4bl won't look at me . . . . (M9D) Now ?ollv, ston rl
( • 5-SBUND) ~ :- --3eSS ~-s~-"vPE_3~'R-60sgpf HY'
RT :KU 1 0 1 84-'1 i 7 -19- (-,i7rzs;E )
JACK : Yaah . . . I wonder what's wrong with her . . . I:nagine 6er
trying to hatch a--- SAY, . . that's it . . the poor
thing is all alone, so sTEpaoesn't Imow any better . . . 1 I think I'll buy a mate for her .
bIEL : Buy a ms.te, buy a mate . (SQL'AWfS AND wfffSTl7-)
ROCH : UH-UH, MR EsENNY . . . RE MEId 50 IAST TIN4; YOU HOUGHT FIER A
yAL . . . YCU HA~ THOSE TWO PARROTS IN THE SA.,'"'s CAGE FOR 3 Oi;'RA yFAR AND '.IIT;N YOU DISCOVEREL' TA*,*Y WERE SOTR rcNALES . . . .
JACK : Yeah . . . I wonder how that happened?
Fffs'L : Somebody goofed . . .(SQUAFIKAND'CFIISTLE )
JACK: Well, don't look at Ice as thou gh I'm stupid, Folly . . .
You didn't know yourself for nearly e year . . . Ges, . 14 W Rochester, now,yau've gat me kind of worried .
(SOL'ND : DOOR 0_9PNS)
MARY : (COMING IN) For heavens sakes, Jack -- what's takine you so long?
JACK : I'n sorry, Mary, but Po11y isn't feeling well . hlARY : (SYD'3ATF E TIC) Oh, that's too bad . . The poor thing -- i - d&s-&-lG9k-b, ,d- . . . what's wrong with her?
ROCH : MISS L14IPiGSTONE, 5=- 12 JOST SITS A130UiVR IN EU',R CAGE ALL I Di.Y BROOPtPIG . . . IT'S $EEN GOINC ON IOR W_FGKB NOW . MoRY : Jack, you ought to do somethin g . . . Why don't you take
her to a psychiatrist? I JACK : A psychj.at^ist? :7ary, this is no time for joking .
CL
RYM 0 7 C11E4 1 78 -20- (r Uvis' ~) bi(LRY : -da~tis, I'm not joking . . . they have psychiatrists for
animals . . .
jd4y2~BF~yZEC~• .
-MART ---- Va7-nu~
.JACu Zho vorc _ I3B~~T...... ,y ..ng • -en-e-couch-i-h,-ev ._ 0___9-*0--_.:;. __._ . .
~RE :
o-POrga
gs~
Ha2Y : . . . I know0 one right near here . I JACK : All right . . . I'll get Polly and we'll go .
(THANSITION PIIIBIC . .C-0ING TO AN ANID7AL PSYCi:ATRIST'S CFFIC-4 NNSIC)
MARY: Jac_:, Hsre's the doctor's office . . . You go ~Yfy with
Po11y 4'1~ r_~ll wai'r. outside in the car .
JACK : Okay .
(SOUT;D : DJOR OPENS . . . CLOSES)
3Y: (V IE NNESR ACCENT) Yes sir . . . may I help you? --Gr«- . JACK : bie11 . . . areAyou the psychiatrist? I1Y: Yes sir . . . I am Dr . Hugo Brauner, PFff] . JACK: P . E. D .?
HY: Parrots, Horses, and Dogs . . . Those are my snecialtiss,
but I take care oi all animals .
JACK : Oh . ., well, I've coms to see you about my parrot '_.ere . . .
I thick she has some sort of a complex .
cCL : (NL;i,es SP.D NOISES) .
HY: Uell -- what seems to be wrcng with the little lafly?
~
CL
R7P{07 018 4 7 7 9 I -z1-(a~.v) W-~ ~ r JACK: .~ ~ She's very melancholy lately . . .and today I gave her a
coconut and she tried to hatch it . . . Could it be
possible that birds long for motherhood? HY : Oh Certainly . . .T:ak-a ~ . psychosis-tl~aL-isema.n~e£t:gs-kffi,ve .
JAGK-:-Rea}2y?. ~ : d a-~e{aneee-was-itr
loue-xrt~ra-~oxeP . .
3A6If:----~at-diri~su-de-ebedt-it? . . {
hym•-wh^~.~--. ..~ ^sag-~et; bnr-paar-}rEt'reTCCCacr-ca
n-thei-n-mast®as=~ti'r'_ us .
MEL: (MACS SAD NOISES) . $ ILY : Tell me, how lang has she been acting4mocdy?
JACK : For a few weeks . . .before that she was always jolly . . . she used to love to listen to the radio and television
HY : A .parrot that en,joyed radio and television, this I cannot believe .
M : (S9IIAK5) Paper mate Pen is leak proof . (WfLiPTLFS)
ISY : I believe ysv . . . Now to help her, maybe it would be
good if you teH me zumzing about yourself . . .idhat do you do?
J4CK : Well, I'm Jack Benny and -- MG
RTiK01 07 84 7 8C.4 _22 _
W .G NY : Oh yes, ~e5~ . you looked familiar N . ~ In addition to
. . yourself, Mr . Benny, how many people come in contact with this parrot?
JACK : We114 my vaiet,n my cast, and my six writers .
gy : L`17s~ And wha.t is this parrot's name?
JACK: Po11y .
HY : It took six writers to think of tLat?
' JACK : Look, Doctor -- n .:,;tr rcm~nd HY : Never mind . . . Now tell ne, hom old is this parrot?
Well, let me figure it outthe man in the pet JACK: ;~' shop where I bought h.er said she was born in ei ;,rteen
ninety-four . . That wrould make her --
MEL: (9QIIAYIKS) Thirty-nine . (WHIBTLEB) ,
. .-.AC~ . . .wT_ere does she Cet such delusions?
JACK: I'm sure I don't know . HY : Now, Mr . Benny . . . you say this parrot Listens so radio
. . .does she like music?
JACK : Ch, she loves'x€7nksic~ . qosl ~ HY : Good, I will Give her a word association test . . . .
JACK : Word association about music?
BY: Yes . . . I will give her a word and by automatic roflex
she wi11 say the first thing that comes into her nind .
JACK : Ck f Caad good .
'_-lY : Now Po11y . . . listen . . .M-'estro .
~].uw}-
B`_' : Piana .
MEL : Liberace . (S(?U4SiKS)
I3L' : Clarinet .
MEL : Benny Goodma.r. . (SdHISTLi.S)
RT'rKV1 01 84 18'1 -23-
AY : vio1Ln
: Penicillin. MEL . (S@UAWK)AAID-~T~) d- t }y ; That I-derx't uederstand at all .
JACK : It must have been something she heard .
Hy' : Obviously . . . Now to continue the word test . . . Listea Polly . . . Fatyter . . .
MEL : (ShD NCISFS) BY : Mother .
MEL : (SAD NOISES)
BY : Baby .
CL
RTX 01 018 478 2 -2L-
Mm : (SADLY, SINGS . .APID CRIFS . . .KF,EPS SITdGIMG THSS SONG
THROUGH FOLIpWIDjG TO PLAYOFF)
C'_imb upcn ny.lmee, Sonny Boy . You are only three, Sonny Boy
You've no way of knowing
There's no way of shoving HY : yy.au-ire right, Mr . i What you mean to me, Benny . She yearns
- Sonny Boy 5 1^ yUay , for a bahy_ 1 when there are gray skies, JACK : That's what I I don't mind the gray skies, thought, and--Polly,
You make them blue be 9uiet . .Doetor, 1~~+=r
. Sou..,.` 611 )C „r, Sonny Boy 1 ~, I'L go to the--- Friends may forsake me Poily, please . .I'l1 1 Let them all forsake me go to the pet shop
I'll still have you and get a .n egg t- o~ . Sonny Boy(Soln.A 'w o~' hsiaa, . .Polly, You're sent from heaven And I lmowyouur worth oontrol yourself, I stop crying . .Polly, we'll go right to
For mo=~~re~,n ~_. ~ the pet shop .N4~J°0.`1~ J~ - , .. 5 . ~ qE~ .~ - ~ ) (APPLSUSE AND P:1IYOFF) G04m-BSf, POLLY, 3--if Ill
&Gr3PP GE'P YOU AN EGG \ . . .LET'S G0 . i c \~• .
1<,
wr,KC11 01 e 41 e 3 JACK BEMNY PROGBAM ANGRICAN TOBACCO COMPANY SEPTEMBER .27, 1953 (Transcribed Sept . 24, 1953) CLOSINC} COMMEFtCrAL -
WSLSON : Jack will be back in just a minute . But first, a word . (LIVE ) from one of the world's ftmniest men of letters,
America's comic poet laureate . ., Ogden Nash .
SJ : Somebody once went through my poems and made a list of ~( Trh a*s . ) . the things I dislike . Let's see . . . they said, parsley,
cocktail gadgets, practical jokers . Makes me sound like
" a pretty mean cuss . In the list of things I l_+ke, ' t
. just says here, "He likes oood eating" . Of ecurse . I
like good anything . . . good fun , good eating, good smoking . S]aturally, I smoke Luckias . I wouldn't be
here if I didn't . If you should ask me wny I smoke 'em,
a11 I could answer would be . . . it's because of theirtaste
. Bomehow, they just tasta better . To put it
poetically . . .
I .hope I'm not a crank, but I've got one foible,
I don't enjoy anything unless it's enjoya.ble . I don't happen to go for psychoanalysis,
But I've made my own Lucky Strike - o-ar-alysis I'm ^yerrickety about what I like,
And for thirty yga=s I've smoked Lucky Str n ke . .
W IL SON : We agree 'aith Ogden Nash about smoking enjoyment . It's (LIVE) a11 a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is --
Luckias taste better . . . cleaner, fres'ner, smocthsr .
For two good reasons . . . first LC /W T -- Lucky Strike
means fine tobacco . And for better taste, you must start
with fine tobacco . Second, Luckie s are made better to draw freely and smoke evenly . . . that, too, mea::s better
taste for you . So be happy -- go L ucky . Pick up a
carton and prove to yourself that Luckies taste better .
Rrx 0 o 1 e 4 184 -25-
DOPI : The Jack Heany Shaa tonight was written by Milt
Josefsberg, John Tacicaberr,p, Hal Goldman, Al C•crdou,
and produced and transcribed by Hllliard Marks .
Be sure to hear The American Way with korace rieidt for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station . Consult your newspaper for the time .
The ;ack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky
Strike product of the American Tobacco CoM pan,P. . . . .
America ' s leading manufacturer of cigarettes .
EP
f'TiStCi 0118 .3.i81 5 R -z5- (TAC-) ~ (SOIIND : CAH GOING ALONG)
MARY : Jack, what did the psychiatrist say about Polly?
JACK: Oh, she ' ll be all right . All birds get moody once in a while .
(SOUND : A"ilTO HORNS) MARY :~- It's a shame we missed cur golf game . .bu's maybe we can nlay next week .
JACK : No, -Max9, I'm gonna be busy a11 week rehearsing £or my television show next Sunday . 4QF& -- $ythe-way~.tho!_s-gcit~ tc b~ywta~-guesU-sL-ar? JASPr:-Qhrmy-ngant 7s-1oek~ag-#'or.-semeo~ae--'-~-r~y-Ariee-braeket . ~ MAi?1-:----hat -did-garteil-3roux~agent-to-spendT . . JASK.-. ._--Fi£Eeen-btseksrI-eas-§e~J~ ~ - Eelevisian-shew-w+' lb n~teber-4t ;a.-.and-tker.-~-nez.ct one-w-il:l-be-en-pctober--25th : MARY : (DISGUSTED) Gosh, Jack, are you going to be an television that often?
JACK : Ma xg, ^ead thatAtA2 way we rehearsed it . MARY : (TI+AILLEC) Gosh, Jack, are you going to be on television that often? ) JACK : That's better . .Goodnight .-fes~'-~.
(NNSIC AND APPLAUSE)
EP
{
,9tX07 0784785
PROGRPS:1 ;`4 RTVZB~ 9CRIPT
A .MERIC9ri ToRACCO CpbL'ANE
LUCKY STRIICE
THE SACK HT~~t'VTdY' PROGRATrt
EU_mDAY, OCTOHEft 4, 1953 CBB 4 ;00-4 :30 Pr2 P°T
(TRANOCRIBI3) OCT . 3,
LZ
RTktO1 0 184187 JACK PEPd[PY ? ROCfiMd ASg.RIpAR TOBACCO C0 . OC`", -, 1953 (TTanscribed Oct . 3, 1953) OPP'd3Il3G TOpePS2CZP.L
WILSON : T he Jack Benny prograt¢ . .transcribed and presented bs
Luc ky : tr`_ke!
COLLSYS : Luc_kieJ taste better
6HORUS : .,leaner, fresher , s moother
COLLINS : Luckies taste better
CHORU9 : Cleaner, fresher, smoother
F=or i_.ucky S trike mcar,s fine obacco Richer-testing fine tobacco
COiL.._1VS : Luckies ta-te better
Cf;9RUS : O]°aner, fresher, smootner
Luck7 ~~t~ilcs . . .ruckf 3 t^'-ke .
WII,90N : This `_e Don ~'i:Ison, fr'ends, to ta11 ;rou ta=s - ias . . .
xin . ., :,-aair.! 'nhat's right, Lucki,s win ac .in inn a r ional snoking survep among college students . taet ge~r a=_urvep
was wade in 1eadinT oolleges througnout the ccuntr y which
,:hewed tYa.t smokers in those eoP..egcs preferred _~ck-sa
any to otee^ ci garetto . This yaar unother ~iatzcn- j i.de
survey was m ake - _. repreaentative si,nve;; of a11_ students
in '^-53Vlar Co .L1e~e9 from Coast tv coBet . 3s sed 9n
thousands of sctual student .nter,+etas- this surpsr seoas
a th . '„uckies l .ad: aeain- lesd oner aLi other ?a, an.ds,
;^egular 'JS' S'_ :K-3'iZB- ?nd_1; 'elde 1a3r£=_"3 . ^h_ :,u<^1Ce_'
one rea .son - 75is j?sr 2s ]tast- 1 .ucklEY~ h9tter ta_te .
'ss, *,`ek j es do taste _et tel . beca.uas tae=~ :e
made of '_i .tk~, naturallJ nild, good-tast i,-, a tobacco_ dn.d then, Lackies are made better- made roaRd and firm and
'u11y packed to dra'd <-' ..ee1;p . . .emake evelly .
(biCREI)
HTkfCtl 1-1 18 ,27 88 p A Gk' T W o _~- oCTOS13t 4, 19~3--oPFNi14C OOMIlK7oIAL wL,sorr (CONT'D) Actually m.eda to taste better . After a71, smokin.g,
en,jo*, u ent 1_s all a ma.tter of taste . Artl the fact of the
matter is La ekiea taste `_oetter . (lleacer, fresher,
ssoether . So be happy- go LAClcf . Get better taste-
with a carton of Luokiee!
9PORTShll1^` Be happy-yc i ucicr
Get better taste today! (LOng close)
R i7S 0 7 0 48 4 78 9 iuQT . . :ifH0W1 -
(FRUT AOL'T?Vfi)
(APS'ILR APQIERCIAL, `iPR2C tiP FND UCOIN)
;ON : T?C T:in',Ki- RTRIYF: PROGRAM, 3'LARRR?G JAC{ 3mly . . . . '.l2'TH
MARY '=IV=AiGOTCN :3, HOCIfi'°"'Pi?, D171Ii1R DAY, 5pB CROSBY,
TI3E ~POHTSN~'sd'V F?IIARTt~C.', APLn "YGURB TRUL`t" 7~ON ltIL50N .
(APPLAUSE . . .P4I7°ZC 7P AIM UO;Jbi)
.CGN : LAD IES .'+P D Gr.-C. IT?S,N[EdV, i1V 77A('PLP ONE HA FF HOUt2 JACK B'':TTIIY
IdTr.L *JO 1':7 9 T^LEGISION r?HO HACK TO YESTc"T2DAY AND i:.00K .T.Pi ON JACK A ;3 'xi";,?° HAVING HFtE'+KFA :?P AT 'iiOPE . ROCF : ",70U'r YOU LI~' JNOTFL? FiAFFIL', ?09J'? JACK : IQo tYw.nks, Roohester . I' v = !wd ~ nough . . .you might as aell go on srith your ~rork . ROCH : 3iFP ~095, W ^AR T ill 3 ?IDRNJNG = W 7? mHC R rp '-_i1~ THE :RliG3, }lA= T}L ,^*OCRR, ':'OLI3H:D T'HE,' ^UItiY`_""?._, 5CRUBBH7 'C_".A' LIIN OLIDI]P4, IdASfLED T-M _VINP0675, TRINL' El~ ^p M 'IECGE, _1PD ??0'., ,7`d7 T?rE LAY'N . JACK: °,ay, ,on h~=se flone a 1ot of irork . ROCE: Yc?A . . .CrI?5=LTG THIC I", i4Y :]AY' OFF . JACK: Oh . .ae11, i.n t:cat o`aee, R,ochester : I'll +ueeh the J>ahes . ?OCH: YCII DON°T i3AV:; „0 F(AHE 'PfG' D'SHM, &t9S, +-~ILN'^ JICTIC'I ~"ACK : nh nea .at to > ;k ,rou . ddhy flin ;;rou uss paper platez tcday? 300H : BICAUSE rylS IS raqT-Cr_;[tL SA ,r- :n A idIF° !q"i3C . JACK : -riell, ~uhe.t, hasi3ave : N:!Lfe'.i:eek got t, do uita yoe and me? ROC3 : B.CS", :CY 9BNTFACT RF1US "TILi, DEATH DO 7S °.0 I FALL INqQ T~?AT ^..?TAr,i;P.Y . JACK : 5h, :L^oc _raggeratine-, . iR P?P IX0 1 0184 190 ROCH : ldHO'S i:.'YAGGERATT~IG? WHP1V I r'=RST CAMF'. TO YfOF2K ::JT{E I CAFrRTi3) THG 'iACWM Cl:GANIIi uVM~Z TI'S m•IRPSHOISJ . JACK : yi671, (c an I '~ elp it iP you're sentimentai? (SOU:fJ : SCRAPIPiG :IF ?APER PL:'-"TE) JACK : Anyway• . . don't make sucn a 6i .g--Hochester, ahat are ,*ou doing? ROG3 : SCRAPING THE BUTTER JIT YOtR PiAm ; . JACK : Don't be silly . . .I hardly touche3 -;hat b.utter . . .out it hack in the refrigern .tor . ROCH : OZAY JACK : Ana ttat j am rrn the plate . .ttat' ~ enougn for another meal . ROCH : HL'P BOSS . . . JACK: And tltit P.a;iP r?] .ice of bread . .that can ce toasted . ROCH : IiUP CaPi'T I T?v"SOW SDNN.'PHiNC AWAY? JACK : i+'hy? RocH: 'A E"L'; FAD ^__:d:T CAR3AGE DISPOSA= FC.F. T'd0 i"31nS P.N':' WEE L+]N'T -L 4'LFki "StOw 1^' _T '+ICRKS . dACK: Well, if ?ou're ao cura'ous, ILUy something ~nd throw it in . . NOW come on;,anc help m:e set tF.e chairs ap in t 1-e living PCom . ~gOE~iF~ .-~bR'B: ~3 : : ~?FTraS) .L9Cx_ : ^te`5, _ invited r,p cast over to watch the World 3eriea Game today ."^ ' ` Y-.E`=--- (5oUectlC)-'•t] .tcn ETie ;;amei--ratcYrt17e-CS.me-(C~nrome-H?-EES°lc:) JP_n_K :-___"_. ~o11g.,_.r_!d~~Led .°==- 4 Fh : ( .SA'J-PARFC'1 - :?Giaf~&) .{__- _-_ . '_o._ t SAG 11h :.e : = :r.:zi rh _uen2 atr< 01 ot R4191 RCCH :__-_ .--__SfE,'-y. kLFf-c_-Pd~`.P?Y'-AArB-!tArfH~Ntr.: JAC, ;{ .-__ . . - . .S,a.y.~- .an¢-~sws-tko-=i2iesKe-C+ammercia2 . ROCIiT _ .. aABK :-- ~lridL'e-~.ss-I'^i,9e7zitg_sGs-___She._'gqY she £~:S;ew-out-o!'-f!ex (SOiJID : DCX'R BiP' 7ts~R.) Jo.CK : Ros kesoer, I'll get the door . (SCtiPID : DOOR OPFNC_) M5RY : Helio, j7e.ck . JACK : Oh, he11o, ~qafy . . .Come on in . (SOMI : TOOR CLOSL'S AND FOOTgTII'S) MARY : You '~ncrtv, jack, as L waa ooming up the walk, I :'=tioe.d that 4he fence the Colman's put up between your house _nd -.he`re look.s p lot Uetter nov . JACK: Yes, the ivy isas a~mosc covered the b¢rbed aire . MARY: ~ It's atlazing it '.aould grow w ith all that alectric=cy . JACP.: .`!ou, iiow, b4arP, I haver't sEs. Ronnia znfl =sni;a~+1-i ..?. _:.n:z t7me . MARY : i.)h 7: t:ave, Ja .ck . .2.s .^. 'r ter of _r,rnt '_r was ar 3, . -_,- at *=neir house last n'_C;ht . TACK : The C,l.2an's n'sve s sart y? Gee, tiheq live r ight n a .ct d o or . Had I '~ID?an it, i'da dropped over . - ~k,ar NfA3ZY : 1de11, Jaok, _t was the most unusua7 T pnrt; , . .the _- hts were out, the sF~des were n-rawn, and avsr ;oo3 -y Y_ad h, whisper . JACK : Oh . . .,,rell, Rennie snd 3ena probanly cidn't :;ant to disturb i;he people ;;ho ] :ive on ~ahe oi :her side of ~aem . R 3- }{V1 0 '18 4 1 9 v MARY : They were at the P°rt7 . JAC3: ph . . .I cen't understand them not invfting me . MARY ; We11, don't ienl b ad about it, 7ack, heceus© ev erybody who ^_cune to the ',;:arty asked aSOuG you . SACK : They did2 They asked ebout me? n,- MARY : ~Xes . Refore the;y ton_k off' their hats and coats, they said "Is Jack Benny here ." JACK : Jh, well, rha.t was nice . . . OH, R0CHG4TIIi . OA ROCH : i'FS, 303S . . .OH, HELLU, -MISS SSiZiYGSTONE . MARY : uh Heilo, Rochester . JACK : The rest of my gong wi11 be nere °oon . Pcu better get some re.resteents ra.ady . ROCH: -rrS, U1R . . .A F,2 ISk' G9IVCll1 Y'JSH ^_AR IICT DOGS :i_: m = =,qNU-1 g TCn4Y? JACK : We're not going tc nush anyt-ing . .They'I1 look, tce,r'-i1 see, i?' they Lke, they'll buyf_ .sust Havti 5n attr&ctlve d].C02,y . ROCH : oAP3 ., . SA@IEr--_._'---Aa . x .p+tiarry`- P4A12Y---.-__ .'4e-1-1-,- ~1 -daniL:aame-t:nem . JACIi-.. . MARY:- . . . . _-4e-6el~n2ns. 29ikRY:- . -- .-Never sir.d : Mary, as .._o--. JACK as eVerybody gets har? wre'17.-- (S0II[^ID : ll00R B172.3AR) SACK: CO[w EE aI ( :Ot ~lID : 1:COR Op3Sj8 ) NT ,X01 0 184 1 9 :.13 DENNIS : Hello, everybody . MARY : 04, He11o, Dennis . JACK : HYa, kid . DENNIS : You wanta make a bet on the world Series? JACK: A bet? 4feli-- DFSWIS : Put up or shut up: . JACK : Look, Dennis, I didn't even get a-sheaiee-to-- DnNNIS : Come on, put your money where your mouth is . JACK : Dennis, I'm trvina to tell you I didn't get a chance to-- ~L . sg 3 DFv";NIB : . .The Piratzs . . .and the Araves'? .7ACK : Yosm dGow which one do you want? 1`iEKNI3 : 'Phe Yankeee . Jo.~s h:nc,ti JAC.K : .• .Dennis . . .yon led me to believe ;7on =narr nothing about uaseoall . .now when we mafle the L et, why did y ou pick the Yankees? 7Ia'VNIS : I wanted to teach you a lesson, once e.nd _°ar all . JACK : 6h ;*ea .•iJell, the bet is off . .Ycw let me hear the song you're going to do on the ohow and that's ~11 . DF,?MIIA : Okay . - .ihat a aore loeer . JACK : Just (APPLALSE) (DLTINI°1n• 50PIG- "'d0 GT~ LaVL") (APP 1lrJ^ie ) HT :K 0 9 i)iN41 135 ( ; pCn DE ROUPI,G") SFtCKc Very geod, peruie, very good . . .that'11 be Fine nn the ^how . s. 0, 'DEN[VIS : 'Thanlce, P!r . Benny . . .e.jid I hope gou're not made at m= bec©uae T_ .vanted to make s bet with g-ou . JACK :rYa I'm lot mad . {ou 5a~ DIIV[tIS :,; I need oome extra money because I .:ant -o '^uy my mother a birt.1-,day present . JACK : Oh, ';ahen'e her birthday? DIIIV-NIS : Wednesday . . .and sk:el= having a'yig party . .ahe'= gonna have s,n orehestra ai_i dnacing,i sin`~~ae, cake and ice crean and evor,rt:an.g . . ~.., .TACK : Uea, that ee :uzds like _"un . W'here's 2-, gnynes . be? UE'1MII~ : I don't imnv, Z'm not invited . JACK : y,u knc,d, Len-as, I don't 'oleme Sour nothnr snc S.r, .-,erv=._ you riaht, rou're such a siliy wid that robodp xanis _aou around . .that'a why they don't-ask you an*rwhere . _;LSV;`75 . _ ~~as at tr,na-id ^olmsn's part-, . JACE : ParLCia . .,.nu aere S.nvited to the ^,onnuui's hoaae? -a thet right, Maryv MARY : .:)n ' ; , Jac:. . .mhe7 :=ven asked him to s :ng~ ;ie theme scn of *.he part-. JACK : The ?art,7 Yad a thome sone? What tas it? DrPIDIIS . ":ih; sperir;gn .iP.CK : ]ennis, sto'o ttat ., . . .t o ok, i dcn't aanta :xear ,-- ,ore ,about thet ,anisoerin narty at Cc1s!ans . . N ew .,.kddsthe gama should - _ ;tarting soon, so let'S g , lnto tis-- (3GL_TJ : PHO nr RIiCS) R f3T :KO 1 0 '1 8 4 1 9 c, jpCY. : =_$cnss me . CC'ND : FO?TR OR FIrE i PC 7:;' .IT.ik 'S_' ) JACK : uelio . LOB : He11o ; Jack, t's'_s is Bo: Cros'oy . JACK : Bob! r„nere are IouR 2 teocght Wou were ooming--over today . BOB : Well , I was, Taok, hut I'm afraid I'm gonna :>2.ve to stictc around the eo~~se . you b now, my brother Ling just got in from F:'oo and he's staging w i.thus . JACR : We11.,ryit'e z, good tLs.g ,Tou've got a cuest room . eC BOH :~'n ; Yau'^e not t:'.dn'*tg .tI .r,.9q,i ife and rr.g'sids and _T6 moved into it end ,Bi rg 's got the rest of the :ncuse . 7ACK : Ciee . doesn't tbat make things ¢- h.tC1e cram'ped? BOB : Yeah, OIlt ;,OR lfnow Bli]F- l1e n^Sler comlllall:s . JACK : I'a,cw, :rIe11, o'ive 'nim my rs gb rds, ?cn? LOB : T :i =I . JACK : It ~ust be aice =navi,ng your brother around . " BOB : v',WIt i, ., buti, a,avs to do auch strange t:ings co make lr?r ha-= . JACK: What strange tairLgs? BOB : b . , 'Nave you ev e r taken a bath i I_ Miaute daid Orang'e Juic e ? JAAK: No ao . .bµt I_aed to t¢ke a lot o?' tHem in Jo11o . . .Wel1, I'e sorr•J ^-1 can't eome ovs ; pcb . tiee . ,,-108 : ~~ '3o ar: L . . .QCp'pye . .iA CK : Gocd'aye : Gh .,-~ ~the^aa„. BrB Jack . .TACiC : `?es . flkl{ 0 '1 1118 .4.79? 80B : S meant to teli 'Tan . . .I went O,er, '.o the CLneEr11 the other nSght to see grankie Yenil.ey and his~orchestra . ` JACK : Oh, you did?n~~,=_7 3oe, I'd .'a.ke to ask you scttnethiny . . . ss_n.ce you ;.ead an orchestra ., too, T want gour honest oplnion . .Ho:a do you think ^rrarilsie Tocks stand~nA in Prcet of the band•? 6t 1=~ks BOB : Oh,p•aontlerYui, •Tack . ;'e was nl.agi.ng the guitar, ^nd he OrS. rH• : had a big snile on his Pace ., .The only thing isy.he ruight have been nervous, sr aouw=thing . .butn.,_T thougnt his manner wae , a 11tt1e too Pox•ma1 . JACK : You mean he was stifx'? BOB : That, too . wo ~1.< neF- -- - JATH : .~"QK, :T . ILZOW . . .l7eT] ., BOD, the next tlne, :+C'!1 , M1dOWr t0 the Cinegrill, caL me a:cd T_'11 So w :th ?cm . _„ant 5'racilde to ;._a therc . 3~r ; mhen we Jetter go early . JACK : l,tnst I i .n k ,i ~ BOB : ~jl+l' Ai'ter nine thirty e• :e'ryboCy '_ooks alike to h~ . JACK : SJe'I1 get there, we'll get there . ; SoimRJ : LOi,F. BLTGZ-PR ) JACK :Bob, '1ve got to hang up, there~s zome6ed7 ~ .t !='n.e -,oor . 30H : Cka-y . . .so Tong . JACK : ~ ooflbye . (50uTID : -4F;:T2V~3 aiWDi) NAP.Y . I'Ll qet it, Jar.ic . ;':OimID: SCQTSTKpS . . .:;OiiR OPLJdS) F)-X 0 1 4 16 4 7 53 e -10- MARY : Oh, hello Don .~~' , DOPI : we ~ Hello, Mary . iY inought I'd be the first one here . MARY : No, Dennis and I are both here . DON : Oh . (SOUND : DOOR CL08PS . . . . FOOT'IPEPS) DON : Lh, Hello, Jack. JACK : Hello, Don . DON : 41913'a, Dennis . Dn'3VNI5 : Put up or shut up! JACK,: Dennis, please . . .Don, do me a favor, will you sit down . DON : Where? JACK : On Dennis . . i:[ K'. MARY : Jack,qlet's go in the den and turn on tP.e television set . It's almost time for the game . JCK: Okay . '~ ooH' DON : ~ There's no rush . We've got nearly an hour before the game starts . MARYt No, Don . i' v e got five minutes to ten• DON : That's funny . I've pt a quarter after nine . YON JACK : Oon, let me see t bPt watch. .Oh for heavens sakes . .how can a man of your dignity go around wearing a Mickey Mouse wrist watch? DON : You gave it to me far Christmas . .an JACK: Oh,, that was a mistake . I meant to give it to k;!:my the drunmier . He can't tell time end I thought he'd enjoy the pictures . . .ylell, kids, it's about time, so let's go in the other room end-- (30UND : DOOR BUZZigi) LR Rrx 0 1 0 1 a 4199 JACK: (.h Now who can that be? I'lll get it : FOOTSTEPS . . . . (SODfID DOOR OPENS) DUROCHQi : Hello, Jack . JACK: }yr9x7., Leo . . .Leo Durocherl (APPIAIISE) Uarc'ti U' JACK: ,Uf~~ y eo.,^this is really a surpriso . DUROCfER :A I happened to be passing by, **, so I thought I'd drop in and say, "Hello ." 4e JACK: Well, that's wonderful . Most of * gang is here and we were just going to watch the game . DUROCHGR : Game? . . .4lhet game? JACK : What game? The World Series . DIROCHE& : (SARCASTICALLY) The World Series . .The season's over, why do they have to squeeze in another few gemes? JACK: Ncw wait a minute, Leo, I know hov you feel, but you can't win the Pennant every year . Don't tell me you're sore . DIIROC}ER :A On the contrary, Jack, I've been in organized baseball twenty years and I consider this has been my most successful season . JACK : Why? .~ +ao„s,, .r( DUROCHFR : I eas only fined €SYa-kkun4rad-dollars . JACK : Oh oh, I see . ~Pe DON : (OFF) HLq?ICOME ON, JACK, WE'LL MISS TM- GAME . JACK : OKAY . . .BUT LOOK WHO'S HERE, GANG . . .LEO DUROCHER . . Leo, you knoa my cast . Rrx 01 0 1 e 42 00 -12- DUHOOHFdt : Oh sure, . .Hello, Mas,' . MAPY : EUllo, Leo, gocd to see 70U : Hello, I;cn . . DUROCHFR DON: H'ya, I o o . UUROCIIFR : HeLlo, Dennis . Dc3VNI3 : Put your money where your mouth is ! SACK : N (ma out that out! . . . 5aykids, aren't w e luclnf iso dropped in? Now we can watch the game with an expert . DIIkOCI E H : {MOIJw L-v ) Oh, now wai,t s minute, Jack . MARY' Uon't be so modest, Leo, there isn`t, a th'sg you don't know about the game . 6~4 , DON : Mary's right, Leo^ .7' consider you the :inest manager in basebell: DENNIS : If he's so great, ,what's he ;zoing,'uere tcday? - Idoc~or+ ..t~. . ~ SACK : Dennis! . . .I,ao, dcn'tj pay any attention to him, Se's always this way . F2Nau'}:.r . 1 _ DUROCf~ For a mi :aute I~though he was ceaned once too o'ten . JACK : Well, lie certainly acts like it . ➢ 7 ON: -~• f3a , Leo, : :,ate to 6ring no a touohy subject . . . but what happe.ned to t he Giants this ;ear ? DURCC?IIl : Well, ]Jon . . .ar,sually lwe planned the sane staate_J we used tw o years ago . We figured to start s1 ow a.r.d let the other teams g et oeer-confYdent, then along about July s e'd slcwly begin to pick un stean and in the homestretch we'd pull up fast and as the seasen ended ae'd have them in the bag . JACK : In the bag? llUHOCHER : 4,es , JF ight now my '.soys are selling peanuts as Nbbets - 2eld . LR IaT7{07 018 ¢201 JACK : . .Very good, Loo i very good . ROCH: BOSS, _'VE GOT THli T FuEVTSION SLT ON, Th E QANL T_S ABOUT TO sEGIIQ . JACK : Oh . . .CCn7e on, everybaly, 7.ot's go LVp the den . (SOUND : POOTSTEPS . . .CRGtID 0'fER5) JACK : Hey, has the game started? ROCH: ?REi'TY SOON, BOSS . THL FOUR JMI"TRE;S J<.7ST CAME yJ}jj' ON THE FIT~I,D . JACK: Oh y 0i; .:3ut ++hyy don't they take their pleces . .Oe jy ,a,',¢e +,ney`just standing there? DON : Jack I thlnk they're aonna sing . JACK : Umpires singing? jdF3xY, Z never heard of that hefore . LR €iT ;K 0 1 0184202 @UART : NOBODY LOVES AN UMPIRE NOBODY SEHMS TO CARE OUR HEARTS MAY BE BREAKING FROM INSULPS WE'HE TAKING BUY NOBODY SE6MS TO CARE NOBODY LOVES AN UMPIRE HE GEPS AN ICY STARE YOU GREEP OUR DECISIONS WITH BOOS AND DERISIONS d9 AND NOBODY SENf3 CARE WE MAY BE IIMQ.Y BUT THAT'S NOT THE REASON WE'RE IANII,Y ALTFll7UGH YOU MAY DOUBT US YOU CAN'T PLAY WIT HD [H' US SO WHY DON'T YOU TREAT US FAIR WFffiQ YOU ARE SPPTING UP IN THE 3fAND',d' PUFFING A LUCKY AND FEE[.ING GRAND CONSIDutER RHM MEQ WHO GEP ALL THB LSLMPS ARE pW CHUMPS TO BE UIa'S THE JEERS AND THE BOOS NEVER BOTHEN ME CAUSE I KNOW ffiJW HAPPY I'M GONNA BE FOR I'LL SOON BE IDME IN MY EASY CHAIR ENJOYING A LUCKY STRIKE F,'VENYONE LOVES A LUCRY . y« ; ~ 90 (`Fm ON mvG B(tIL .'fCS~51ti-IT APID.S.EC!S-ALG-HrY_ FOU. GA{,i; h:•.ac M^'?"^MX LBYWS Ir.LUC2EY-: - (MORE) anc0 1 0 1 e 42 0 3 -15- ~ /neyr QART : YCONT'D JUST TEAR AND COMPARE AND DLCLAAE EVERYWfli;RRE THAT TT'S TIME TO TRY A LUCBY THE SMOKE YOU WILL LIID; (APPLAUSE) LR RTM01 01 8 4204 . 16- 1'. (THIRD ROUTINE~ JACK : A That's the strangest thing I ever heerctof: . . . I've never heard of umpires singing, have you Leo? DUROCHER : None of 'em ever sang to me . JACK: What? P~ , b DON : Quiet,`( ew £ellows . .the' gameG,6 going to start . ( SOUfID: I,OUD CIH':ENS ) JACK : Yes slr . . .here we go /18.^, ie is as much fun as if we were really at the--- . (SOUND : SL.ECTRIC BUZZ) JACK : What happened, what happened, what happened? MARY: The picture went off . JACK: Oh for heavens sakes . . .How do you like that? . . . We'll miss the opening of the game . . . Don, you try to fix the television set . DON : Okay . ~ JACK: ,~ f'11 get it on the radio . . . Iat's see 'L 5'k'4'u'„~ en he .a . (SOUND: CLICK AND STATIC) BEA : (FILTER) NO NO . DON'T IEAVE ME,RODNEY QU .,GhHR,° . JACK: Rodney Quagmlre : BEA : -(FILTER) I'VE TRIED SO HARD TO BE A GOOD WIF"'4 TO YOU . . ~ .ahnL Is ILdS', . . . YOU CADi'T LEAVE ME NON . . . IF NOT FOR A9G0 7ffNK OF THE CkIILDREEN . . .HARRY AISaN, Pf~YLSS3, BERT, J~3ICA, Ji+ck .T'„~s isna t). ALVIN, HILD.~.-___ JACK : Gee . . . MARY: That's not it, try another station . JACK : Okay . (SOUtm : STATIC SQUEALS) CR arx 01 01 e 42 0 5 -I~- ~ (PIANO CHORD) SARA : (SINGING WITH P2.4NO) (ON .FIIl177t) I'M WALKING BEHIND YOU ON YOUR WEDDINR DAY AND I'LL HEAR YOU PROMLSE TO LGVE,AND OBEY S~cR . ct„~} C THOU(}g YOU MAY FORGET ME L`f"t 1kE 54`"e' -_~_iuk' C~wl..\ YOU"RE STILL ON MY MIND +46 s JACK : Isn't %Y{gy awful? . . . Wher6's the ball game? (SOUND: STATIC SQUEALS) MEL: (FILTER) . . . A LONG, LONG FLY . . .YES, A LONG LONG FLY-__ JACK : (EXCITED) That's it, that's the game . MEL : IF YOU HAVE THE LONG ONE-- IN YOUR HOUSE, CALL THE ACME " EXTERMINATOR COMPANY . JACK : ,F Oh for heavens sa'.ces . . .I thought that was the game . . . DUROCHER :A Let me try 1t, Jack . Maybe the station is back here . Jai~CCic i'h DUROCHER : Must be a pinoh hitter . DON : NeN~Jack, ae're missing the geme . JACK: I'm trying . -1-M 1«~^h 4c c1E~ •-F . (SCUDm : :STATIC SQUEALS) SARA: (FILTER) (SINGING) - MAYBE I'LL KISS AGAIN WITH A IlJVE THAT'S iVE61 ttic M~~. .^ _. .F4 BUT I SH0.LLWISH AGAIN I WAS KISSING YOU . . . . ,„,\ r4I-, .f (SOUND : STATIC) A ruo 1 0 1 e 42 0 6 -18- JACK: Why can't I get the game .herE `. (SOUND : STATIC SQUEAL4) MEL: (FILTER) OUR SPONSOR 15 HAPPY TO BRING YOU THIS GAME . . AND NOW BACK TO YOUR WORLD SERIE9 ANNOUNCER . NEL40N : (FILTER) YtEr•rxxx .ra ..r .rx.,,,,THAT WAS AN EXCITIIrG INNING . JACK: That's it . . . I've got it . NELSON : AND HERE WE GO INTO THE TOP OF THE FIFTH . . 4~N NOW COMING UP TO BAT FOR THE DODGERS IS ROY CANIPANELL4 . AS YOU KNOW, ALISE REYNOISY3 IS PITCHING FOR THE YANIE~ES . . . BEEZC' S THE WIlIDUP . . . THE PIRCH . . . (SOUND : BALL IN GL(WE) NELSON : BALL ONE . . . JACK: Gee, I'm glad we got the game . NEISON: REYNOIDS WI NIDS UP AGAIN . . .IIIIiE COMES THE PITCH . (SOUND : BALL IN GL(NE) NELSON: BALL 7W0. JACK :)«r I'11 bet he walks him . NELSON: REYNOIda, WINIS UP AGAIN, TfD;RE'S THE PITCH. . . . (NOW TElERE IS A LONG, LONG PAUSE OF COPffIEPE SIIENCE . . :vRffLE JACK LOOKS AT THE AUDIENCE PNO BACK) (SOUND: BALL IN GIAVE) NEISON: STRIKE . RBYN GLZS HAS A WONDERFUL SLGd BALL . JACK: I would have loved to have seen tlhat one on television . . . .Don, hUrry and fix the 3et . DON : I'M WORKING ON IT . NELSON : HERE'S THE NEXT PITCH. . (SOiRVD: CRACK OF BAT ON BALL . . .CROWD CHEERS) arx 01 0 1 8420 7 NELSON: THERE GOES CAMPANELTA RUNNING DOWN TO FIRST . . . . BUT r IT'S A POP Up OVER THE INFIEID AND COMIIJGnTO TAK3 TT FOR THE OUT IS SAM HOUSTON . JACK: Sam Houston? NELSON : IT WAS A'IDCAS IEAGUER . JACK: Hmnurtmnn. NEISON : AND N(AJ, L0.DIN5 AND GENTLEMEN-- (SOUPID ; STATIC) JACK: Hap . . .what's wrong with this setR 0 c'^' ' (SOUND : STATIC SQUEAIS) So G6~ Sn~ 6ea+< .,f =~kc ( . BEA : (FILTER) MIL1'ON, HAROLD, JOYCE BARBARA, TEGGY, AND ?I OUR ELDEST 3014 WHO RAN AWAY FROM HOME . . ~~- RODNEY QUAGMIRE, JUNIOR :~ ' . ~ JACK: 6h-.rns. why cs• .. L c<<~. >l. s c~a.-E. ~, «~ . ~ . (SOUND : STATIC SQUEALS) NELSON : (FILTER) YES, FOIICS, HODGFB 13 NC1W ON FIRST BASE AS THE RESULT 0F A WALK . JACK : Gee, Hodges walked . NELSON : ADII) THE COUNT ON PEE WEE REE3E IS THRF3 BAISS, NO STRIl4a . . . . HERE COMES THE NEXT PITCH . . . (SOUND : BALL IN GIAVE) NELSON : BALL BOUR . . .HCDGES ADVACES TO SECOND, :1PD AS RE"'4. E GOES DG.7N TO FIRST, HE IS SAYING TO HOAGES--- (SOUfID : SQ,UEAL) SARA : (SINGS) I'M WAIiQNG BEfQPID YOU---- JACK : What's wrong with this radio . . . I wanta listen to the game,s,f1d all I can get is a cruom:y singer and some woman with forty-eight children . -G (SOUND : STATIC SQUEAL4) AND CROWD CHEEi6) Rr 901 078 4 208 20- NEISON: ~I WE'RE BERE AT A THRILLING GAME OF THE WORLD SERIL+4 . . . THIS IS YOUR ANNOUNCER, RODNEY QUAGMIRE, JUNIOR . . .AND t BEFORE WG GO ON WITH THE GAME, I'D JUST LI11~ TO SAY "HELLO" TO MY TIRED OIA MOTHER . JACK: Gee, if Mrs . Quagmire ever goes on "This Is Your Life" it'11 be an hour shov . b..ec S.,qd GOING OVER THE FENCE ON THE WE4T SIDE OF THE FIELD . . . IT'S GOING . . .GOING . . .STILL GOING . . .GOING . . .GOING . . . n q r WELd. . . . IT LOOKS LII~~~p IS BRINGING MAJOR LEAGUE BASffiAIS, TO L(S ANGIIP.`I ALL BY FIIM3ELF . JACK: Gosh, he r¢ak1$t~ysYJ~e hit that one . DON : Jack. . . . Jack . . .I got the television set fixed . JACK: Good . . .come on, Leo, let's sit here . DURCCHER : Okay, Jack . x JACK: Let me at that set, Don . . .IA knov vhat channel it's on . (SOUND: CLICK) SARA: (SING) IF THINGS GO WRONG, DEAR, AND FATE IS UMQND--- JACK: 1* No, not on television, too . SARA: (SINGS) LOOK OVER YOUR SHOUTAIIi, I"M WAIiQNG BL4QND . JACK: I'11 try another channel . (SOi/fQ) : Q) CHAa`NSI. SNITCHED . .CRC0.D CHEER4) xey, ~eh , DON: That's it . MARY : Gee, and it's a nice olear picture, too . JACK: Yeah . . . Oh look, the Yankees are at bat . . .Brooklgn must have been put out . NEISON : (FILTER) WELL, THAT MAKE9 TH5 COUNP Tr10 AND TWO ON RIZZ[1f0. JACK : Yeu rzean they heva thet sare crazy announcer on television, too? AT 8 07 0184209 -21- DUROCHER : Quiet, Jack . . .I vanta watch him pitch to Rizzuto . JACK: Okay, Iso . A4Y -ov.a. q90 AIR--NAM r, r'PfFP.T 8- A- _ DtmactlER~ ~Taekr-glease~vsrrt--to-sea`tt~-g8~. JACK- -__.-F-!m-aorry, Ym7. NEISON : HERE WE GG . . .CAMP?NNELiA IS BEIIIND THE PL4TE AGAIN . . . PREACHQ2 ROE IS ON THE MONPID . . .AND HERE COMS WHITEY LOCIQKAN. JACK: Whitey Locl®anI He's vith the Giants . MEL: (OFF) PEANq'P3, PEANO TS , GET YOUR HOT ROASTED P:.ANUTS REHE . DUROCHER : Atta boy, Whitev, sell them! JACK: What is this, anyway? NEISON : RIZZUTG IS AT BAT . . . . F432E COMES THE PITCH . . . . (SOUND : CRACK OF BAT ON BALL . .CRGSdD CHECRS) NELSON : AND RIZZUTO LINES ONE INTO CENTER FIELD . . .HE'S ROUNDING FIN3T . . .HE'S TRYING TO STRE4CH IT TO A DOUBLE . . . . .TIiE[ZE HE GOES . . .HERE COMES THE REIAY . . .R?ZZUTO SISDFS AND HE'S OUT . DUROCHER : Out? ` NELSON : YES, OUT . DUROCHER : Why, ya bum, he was safe by a g1e . , ~ NELSON : DON'T TELL NE, I SAID HE WAS ODT/{l4ID THAT'S FINAL . GH Rru 01 01 e 4210 un DURCCHE@ : Go on, you haven't called ene right all day . :.AcK ~. 'Ceef' NELSON : OH YEAH, DON'T TELL ME MY BUSINESS . DUROCHER : You couldn't see that play if you were wearing Jack Benny's glasses! JACK: Iao, leave me out of this : AfU; YOU THYING TO INSULT. NEISON ME? I S•uC'. Lso . DUROCHER : Insult you! Why, if I was4there in New York I'd punch you right in the nose! NEL40N : THAT DOES IT -- I'M Tffi20WING YOU OUT OF THE GAME . DUROOHER : What? NEIBON: YOU HEARD ME . . .GL^f OUT, OUT, OUP . DUROCHER : Oh yeah .Well, I'l1 fix you! JACK : IEO, PUT DOWN THAT CHAIH . . .Ids`0, DON'T SMASH MY T&IF.'VISION . . . IT,O . . . (SOUPID : CRASH) JACK: LEO : DUACCHER : I'VE NEVER BEEN SO INSULPFSI IN MY LiFE . .I'M GOING HOME . SARA: (SINGS) I'M WAIHING BEHIPID YOU ON YOUR WLDDING DAY . . . JACK : Oh, for heaven's sakes . . .Once . . .3vsS-enee ., . .why can't I hear the World Series Game? (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF) (NATIONAL) JACK: I'll be back in a minute to tell you about my televison show which goes on immediately after this program, but first a word from America's foremost authority on etiquette, Miss Amg Vanderbilt . prx 0 1 0184211 z (FACIFIC COAST) SACK : I will be beck in just ea minute to tell you sbout my te l evision sFow ;hat --oes on tonig ht at 7 :00 ?M oner the CF.i4 Telecision Network, but Pirst, . . . . a wor d Prom R.merica's foremnst ~uthoritg on etiquette, Miss Amy Vanierbilt . PiTi4o'/ C?'18u'. : 12 (PACIFIC COPST) JACK : 7 taill be back in just a minute to tel .i y au- about my teSevision eturw AP.at goes on tonigbt at 7 ;00 PM ovev the CBS Television Network, but f_rst, . . . . ,. word from Anerica's foremcet authoritg on etSquette, Cdiss Acq Venderbilt . O fX07 0 7134273 JACK PEffi`T1' PROGRAM APERICAN TOCACCO CO . OCTOBER s~, 1953 (tenso 2bea Cctober 5, 195j) CLOSLtiG COMMEiiCLAL AMY VA=ERBIII.' : Some of my friends te?_1 :me that in my new book on etiquette, I was a little hard on smoking . Actually, L was hard on smokers . At least, some smokers . I dislike thoughtless smokers . You Inow, the man next to you at the dinner table zaho holds his cigarette so that ,moke drifts i!to your eyes . I like considerate smokers . For ?SLPtance, L like to know that m.y husband is considerate enough to carry my brend of cigarette . . . Lucky Str77ce . In smoking as in etiquette, it is after all, all a matter of taste . T want a cigarette that tastes hetter to me than rfny other . "hat's Lucky Strike . WTLSC?V : Friends, Amy Vanderbilt is right . Ssokinq an,io7ir: R nt is all a matter of teste . And the fact oi' t'ne me'ter is, Luckies taste better - cleener, f`resher, smoother . And for two very gocd reasons . . one - LS/[P!ET, i„ _,, 3trike ireans fine tobacco . . . fine, natuTelly mild, ,occ-tasting totacco . Two - Luckiee are made better t o taste better - made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and _moke evenly . So, take a tin _"rom rze, and be nenuy - ,^,o Lucky, 9ecause Luckios taste better . T_W f3'P :KO 1 01842 1S - (TAG) -24 . (NATIONAL)_ JACK : Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank Leo Durocher for not winning the pennant so he could be on my show tonight, .,And Ledies and Gentlemen, in just thirty seconds, I'11 be doing my television show over the C .B .S . television network . .,Say, Leo, why dontt you come over with me and watch my television . show? Le, - DURCCHER :6keg, -deek, .(SIMGS) I'M WAIKING BEEIND YoU, JACK : Oeed ., .Goodnight folks, see you in thirty seconds . (APPL421SE & MUSIC) kl ; (PACIFIC COAST) JACK : Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank Leo Durocher for not winning the pennant so he could be on my show toni_;rPt,,,And ladies and aentlemen tonight at seven P,M, I'll be doing my television show over the C .B .S, television network ..,Sey Leo, why don't you come over with me and watch my television show? DUROC}ER :Okay, Jack . .(SINGS) I'M WAIKING BEEQHIJ YOU JACK : Good . .Goodnight folks .,See you at seven, tonight . (APPIAUSE & MUSIC) RTH 0 1 0 184215 _2G_ DO N : The Jack Benny 0how tonight was written by Myit Josefsberg, John Tackeberr,v, Hal C;oldman, Al Gordion, and produce3 and transcribed hy '=:illierd D'.arks . Be sure to hear the tmerican Way with Horace Heidt for Lucky Strike every Thursday' over this same stat•_on . Consult your newspaper t'or the time . The Jsck Ber.ny Progrem was brought to you by L ucky Strike product of ene American Tobacco Company ...... timerira's leading manuf3cturer oi cs_&rettes . Fti ;K 0 1 0 7842'1 6 }. PROGRaM #5 RBVISID ~ ANgRICAN TO&1CC0 CCMPANY . ' IDCNP SIRIICE T8E JACK BENNY PRO($iAM SUNDAY, OCTOBFR 11, 1953 CBS Y :00 - 4 :30 PM PST (TRANSORID81 OCT . 8, 1953) . - RTSi01 018421 7 t : JACK BE rmn MOGRA M A ~ERICAN TOBACCO CO . OCTCSER 11, 1955 (Trensoribed Lictober 8, 1953) OPEMPIG COMMERCT_A.L WIISON: fl'he Jack Penx~p program . . . transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike! CCLLIi45 : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother COLLINS : Tuckies taste better CHORII9 : 6leener, freeher, smootc er Far Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luekies taste Let.ter CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike WILSON : 4!hi.s i.s Don Wilson . `riencs . . . Lot's take e good close look at the subject of wby you smoke cigarettes . ^_nink _ over a minute and yuu'll sgree that the main reason and probably the only reason you smoke is s ~,ply t,hat you enjoy it -- you like the tas te of a cigarette . Sure -- smolcing enjoyment s all a :natter of la st,e_,. And tae `ect ,f ths matter is -- Luckies taste better . Luckias taste - better -- cleaner, fresher, smoother for `.wo verFr important reasons . flne is, LS/MFP . . . Lucky Strike means fine sobacco . The tobaeco '_n :,uckies ;s fine, naturally mild, good-cassing . Another reason :or this better taste is that Luckies are aotually made_ better -- mede round snd firm and _`u11y pecked to draw freely end smoke evenly . Fine tobacco in c better .^.>a,d.e cigarette lives ;lJu better t3ete every sin,rtic time . {MOE E 1 CL RI}{ 0 7 0 '1 84 2 18 -?AGE IC4f0 OPENING Cn7AERCIAL OCmUER 11, 1953 WILSOti- So tf you go elong with me that amoking enjo ;~ent Is all (CO_NT) e matter of taste, then 7e happy -- go Lickg . . . Because the fact of t oe ;avtter is i~ckies :aste better . Get a carton of Lucky 3trike and see for yourself . COLTSNS : Luckies taste b etter (7ORIIS : Cleener, fresher, smoother Luckg Strike, Luckg 5trike C-_ Hi-X 0 '1 0 49 4 z (FZR eT aoomirE) (AFTF,R COMMERCIAL, MUSIC IIP P. dD DO+IN) . DON: `PAE = ST = PROGRAM, STARR: vG JACK -,'NNY . .WITH MARY LiTIIVGSTONE, ROCIIE STER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "yCU&8 TRULY" DON WIISON, (ArPlAOas .,MOSxc Ue AND DavN) DON : I:ADIES AND GEPPPI.DMEN, AFTF.R ISVTNG FOR I'IPTr-- EN YSARS AT 'P3L' SAN_E ADRRESS IN BEV.ERLY HIIL,L9, OUR LITTIE STAR HECEIVTLY DBCI7ED TO PUT HIS HOUSE ''7P FOR SAILL. . . .SO I£T I S GO OUT TO CA6 EE N DRIUF, WFU~EE~ WE FIDID JACK SHOWING 9 PRO51"hCTIVS DUY&R THROIIGH THE FAEMISES. ~ JACK : Well, I guess I've shown you about everyching, Mr . and Mrs . Border . WRIGH`l : It's quite a nice 'nouse . LOIS : Yea, it's just about what we hed in mind . .JACK : Good . . good . . Naturally, I wouldn ' t want to high.pressure y ou into e sale because I don ' t ba ;.ieve in doing business that wey . .bnt where else et the price can you iina a home with this square footage, quality oP w oriananship, choice location . and-- WRIGHT : Mr . Benny, you're tqueezi*.:g nrg 2rm . JACK : Huh?, .Uh„Oh. .I vuass T gob carried away . .(SII,LY L4UZ;H) . . Ant*aay, I'm glad ,ou liYx 1t . -wtli-sav-oaa_rh+ .,_g thisl:erta#et}y-is-s-?erFe-'s!suse ..-_ .1-.never -saw-sn-many-roacs . JAGK:--Pwentg-e~;nb--,rra-13. ~cut-it-e,'-,333~es-thst-cozy~'eeliaF . LOIS : ? a e,,,,Mr, Bonny, to maintain s?iouse this size I nz~a e,ine you must have a butler, a gardener, e cook, a ohauTer, an upst.airs maid, and a downstairs maid . nrxo 1 0 1 e 42 20 JACK : lesI have . WRIGk'P : Well, where are thegT ROCii : FIER.E I AM, 5 iR. JACK : Rochester-- ROCH: II' I EVER GL"P FIIM , I CAN COLLECT TWELUE il,[VRMPLOSS7ENT CHECKS . JACK: Never mind . WRIGHT : Well, Nir . Benny , I thicic we've seen all we need 'to . .anfl we'11 let you know . Come along, Martha . JACK: But I hsven't even told you about the neighbors . ..L9IS+ 4-ha-neightors2 /. . JACK: `Faa; hhey'sa-e33-uery -nice ._erffi r3 ght next door are rav dear friends, Ns . snd Mrs . 3onab3 :;olmen . LOIS : (]MPRESSnA) Mr . and Mrs . Ronald Coiman. JACK: Yes, Ka'am . . Here, look out this w±^dow. .7nat's r•c:rie and Bea±ts's house . `rJRIGH'1' : Where? JACK: Hight there . .°ou can just make out the tip of the erl,im.ey over his fenc.e . . .see? WRIGHT : Say, thet's scme ._'ance . ROCH : YOU SHOUIei 9EE IT AT NIGHT 'WHBN TFEY R.HGCT ; M :LEC'TRICSi"_r TNi?OUGH II . .TACK :-- _~iochs s te r _ _ ROCH.: __-IT _LDOKS"LL'Ci:: -:4 --=--i4VJPM1 -SFASE-?A'PRflL. JACK: . .Yes, yes . . . :uell, }tr . Fiarden, this house seems o fit your needs . .ansi if you want to leave a small deposit, I'll be vers happy, s H TiK 0 1 0184221. -3- irR3G1FP--?kr-.-Senn,y-,-uai;.~3ec-geu-knasr--G'ome-cn ; Marthe . .~43K:-__._Du;.-there-r,,re +~.t;-ntce-€eatuses-_-k~+ven,+___ WREP>HI`: --Bame-o ni-Martha . LJLS:-._-I-can!t,_hais-squeen3eg-my-a~ .vu . .IASK: -9h :;;rir-:S-beg=,rear-Nardorr:~us--I-~.ia-want-to-~#n4 uutrkr>w-~re}~t,~?s :~~use--is-i~rb}~ -have- tne-~est-or~onstruct£er~~-ba6-~iG~s rerHerS'ect-_ (30IIP~ :-LOIfD-Cl7iiiC3-3F-t3.4M~E~R~3kldfrIId&1JN -R£PE-kFP&PP.'IRS) J9CK:-_-__'=°e: €ccti-eaexiit§en, .z~. cl F-- (SOUPID : N.ORE CL9NGS) JACK: Fscuse me, _`olks .,(krfQSFPRING) Rochester, 2 ihougflt that olunber finished upstairs . FiPX 0 1 0 1 04 2 22 {- ROCH : (WHISPERING) NO, HE JUST HAD TO GO BACK TO THE SHOP FCbi M O iE TOOLS . (SOUPm : MORE CL4NGS) JACK : Oh, for heavens sakes . .(UP) I'll be back in a second, folks . . Rochester, show them the closet space in this room and the hall . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS GOING UP STAIRS) JACK : Hm. .fuat as I had the deal almost closed, that darned plwnber had to start pounding .on the pipes . (SOUND : FOC7fST8PS. .POUPDING OF HAtM]ER CLOSER . . . ~x ~~PENS . . .FOC/fSTEPS) -( JACK : Say, fellow~ I'm trying to sell the house . .Would you miid being a little more quiet? MEL : (MOOIEY) Look Bud, I'm in no mood for complaints . JACK: WT{y, what's the matter? MEL: What's the matter? . .Did you ever spend three hours on your back lookin' up at the bottom of a rusty sink bowl? .'ACK : Huh? DS-L : This ain't Cinerama . JACK : // Well, I-- MEL :~~~ Next tLce, think before you criticise . JACK : I!m not criticizina . .I ~ust don't see why you have to make such a recket with that hammer . MEL: Because the hammer Ss made out of metal and the pipes is made out of inetaLsM1-ahe[tsomathL~g.-mada-oui-oE-matel-maeta sa--notae . JACK : isn't thers some way you could muffle the sound? Ri}l01 0184223 l, -5- Zlell ME[. : ' Sure, if you'll be kind enough to help me . r JACK: What can I do? ME[. : Put your head between the pipe and the hammer . JACK : Look, just finish up the j ob and get out of here . /' (SODfID : DOOR SIAM AND FOOTSTEPS) JACK : ~Y'SOen't understand it . .Other people hire plumbers, and get a plumber . .I hire a plumber and get a Milton Berle . (3OIIN0 : RAPID FOOTSTEP~ 7x7NN STAIR3) JACK : 41e17 ., foika, as I uea esying;7-P.ochoatsr, where's Mr . and Mrn .c:~rden? . ROCH: TPiZ LEF'1', BUT THEI SAID THEY Wfftd INiFRE4TFD IN THE HC:ti: D .?Jm TEIDC'D THINK ABOUL IT . JACK : Oh, ve?.1 . ., I hope they. . . . (SOUND : DOOR BUZZFR) JACK : I'll get that, Rochester . . .it's probably somebody else who wants to buy the house . (SOUbID : FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPFN) JACK : (VIItY SWEE¢LY) gnw do you do . .step right ia-and---Oh, St's yoq, Maxy . , ..?1(w 2L~uvn . Frn ~rs¢~a+uw.,~ ,,cwi i(.-.:~ . MARY : Who_ysrE-Yo"u-expeet4ng ; Casay-Stbngel? JACK: No, no ., come on In . (BOUND : DOOR CLOSE) JACK : I thought it was another prospect f~the- hcuse; .they've been coming in droves . wp' . /oc /V ~4.C1 'YSL~ . FirYl 0 1 01 9 4224 ( -6- -A7AR'.F : No sale yet, eh<. r JACK : -Nn.,. ~ I can't understand it, 1Aaxy . Here's a beautiful home . . .2$ rooms . .gorgeous grounds . .large swimming pool . . . and the location ~iwndeet-- b1ARY : Jack . vou're squeezing my arm . JACK : Oh. .I'm sorry . MARY : Jack; Let me ask you something . .Why do you want to sell this house, anyway? JACK : Look, Mary, I'm here a11 alone . .just me and Rochester . . What nu I need with a house that has twenty-eight rooms? MARY : Jack, you mean to say this house has tventy-eight rooms? JACK: Certainly . .there's the kitchen, the dining room, the livine, room, the den, the library, and three bedrooms . MARY : J#qk, &t's oniy eight . What about the other twenty rOOmS? JACK; Ch, I never use those . I've had them closed up for years . MARY : You've had them . .closed for . . .Jack-- JACK : You see, I don't really need-- MARY : Jack -- JACK : --so many rooms, so I only-- MARY : Jack-- JACK : What is it, Mary? Hrxa 1 01 e 4225 MARY : Jack, V1nat ever happened to nqv Baker4 N ;`hvz° r IJua~l,~ /.(.w . ,7i5sr~ k ww , JACK :~y I don't know/ He ceme'over to my house about fifteen years /9 ego,ergt that's the last I sew of him . . . .Anywey^ e7nce I don't need so many rooms, I decided to gat a smaller house . -MAR3H-Well,-let~-tedl-ysu-semething .Af-gou-sell-thSs-housa,--you -mag have-an-awiul-t ;ms find7sig =o~t>,.r_placq . JACK:--Oh-no-l-venJx; Mery-F-krrow-fustvhere-I1m-going,_Tbere!s the~uke at-li##r2e-house._on~3axbwvy~ .Driveslght-next-door-te James--Meaen- -MAR-'ES-(-IDIPBEC.~SFI2 )-. 9h.-.-'Jho1'nnnd-],Ffnr-gonl JACK:--ROnald-Colmen, TheG-wea-nioe-of-h4m„-,9ey-Afarg; I-msantto -ask You . -Whet-diz]-you-drop-over-for! MARY-:- -Whet-do-you-meen? You-cei3ed-a-rekmersai-for-tedey,-didn+t you'- -JAGK: Oh,-that!s-r}ght,--Hith-sli_thie~io#tement-ebout-the-house I-ov~p3-eteiY'-- (sotirm:-i,~.^viir: „-~~IG-oF-HAt~'R-ea-tAER`A} .) MARY:---Jeok :;Jeok:;do~ou-hear-that-tapp6ng4 JACK:--Yes, MAR-Y-:--- It-must-be-Kenny-Bakeri- -letis-reaoue-him . 3AG&:----Mery,-eoma-beek-hore :rit+a-the-g2umber,--He!s-flxing one of the-pipes,.,Anyvey,-Mary,-we~ll-relsaree-es-soon-es- -everybody-- (SOIIfID : DOOR BUZZZER) JACK : COME IN . (SOUPID : DOOR OPENS) HTX01 0184226 -8- j. ~ DENNIS :,,~ . Hello, Mr . Benny, .Hello, Mary . r MAHY: 6/: Hello, Dennis . (SOUND : DOOR Ch08ES) , JACK: Come in and sit down, kid . _ DBNNIS : Thanke . . .Say, Mr . Benny, I,J~*t saw the sign out in front of your house that says "For Sale ." JACK: That's right, kid . DENNIS : How much do you want for it? JACK: A hundred thousand dollars . DENNIS : For a little sign like that? JACK: For the house . . .Dennis, I'm trying to sell the house . DENNIS : Oh. .vell, I vouldn't buy t . JACK: Oh, you wouldn't, eh7r„Ilennis? I've got news for you . . In the first place, nobody asked you to buy it . .and in the second place, you cculdn't afford to buy it . DENHIS : If I didn't work for a cheapskate, I could . JACK: ...... Mar,y . . : Don't look at me,. MARY I only thought it, he said it . JW Rr 901 0 1 e 42 2 P -3ACK-.-Denn}s ; I-thfnk-iU's-aLout-time-Uhat-you_and--I-hed-a -long-serious-taik. DENNIS : Yes-sitr . -JACK_ -And-to-maka-sure-we're-eat-interrupted; fd113V'me . -DENAIIS:-1~here-are-you-teking-me? JACK• ^'o_one_of_tSnae-roems-~gatalse-S-hsve~losed-off . DmFIS:--(FR3SHTENF9)-No-no-no~o-no-no i76! JACK:-What? . _DRINIS-: h-lo•iov-ahat-happsned-to-Kenny-HSker . JACK-:--Nothing_haEapene3-to-Kenny-Batrer . -}9AAY-:-011rSaok>--lesrsa,h#u-alone,-'.+ii-].-yon? . .Yh .~a,.e de ~ ..- w~~< ;/~".~~ JACK : -Al rlcht.-.DennAsJ sing he song you're Senaa do on the show before the gang gets here, vi11 you? DHNNiS : Okay . JACK; Mary, get me a glass of water . DEI7NIS : Here's an aspirin . JACK: I have my owr. . .jcst sing . (APPIAUSE) (DFNPIS' SONG) -- nCdiANADq°) . (APPIAUSE) Hrxoi 0194228 1 -10- (SECOND ROUTINE)( ,~~ JACK : Dennis ~/j that was very good .,a beautiful song . DENNIS• $'hanke . tiut*-cGw' . %nantlc - ,- JACK :/I You know, I cantt understand how,,anyone who sings so beautifully can come in here and act like you do . .What makes you behave like that : I don't know . .I'm just? DENNIS a Meshugganeh mixed up kid . JACK : I'll say you are . MEL: (OFF) (HOLIERS) HHY,MR . BENNY . . MR . BBNNY . . JACK : Hmm it's that plumber again . . .YL'AH, WHAT IS Yt? MEL : WOULD YOU TURN THE WATER ON FROM THE SERVICE PORCH? JACK : OKAY . . .ROCHBSTER . ROCH : YES, BOSS . JACK: . WOULD YOU PLEASE TURN THE WATER ON IN THB SERVICE PORCH? ROCH : (OFF) YES BIR . . . .(LONG PAUSE) . . . .THE WATEN'S ON, BOSS . JACK : THANKS. . . . H6Y, PLUMBER, THE WATER'S ON . ME L : OKAY . JACK : ARB YOU ALL FINISHED FIXING THE SIHI{? ME L : NOT YEP . JACK : THEN WHY DID YOU WANT TO HAVE THE WATER TURNED ON? MEL : I'M DIRTY, I WANPA TARE A SHOWER2 . 3AeK:--Hha6? ~`Br--HB-Y9U-M3tS~IP-Z-E3ME-TH6'Gi~9'P-T9~fEL? JACK : WATT A MINUfE . .WHY DON'T YOU TAKg A SHOHBR ON YOUR O.dN TIME? MEL : I GOT DIR7R ON YOUR TIME . JACK : I DON'T CARE . . .ROCHESTRR, TURN THB WATER OFF . ROCH : IT'S OFF, BOSS . JACK : What a crazy plumber . (SOUND : DOOR BUZZER ) va RTf{01 0184229 -11- JACK : I'll get it . "7 4,`' (SCUDID : FGCfSTEFS. .DGfPt GPENS) BCB : H'ya, Jack . JACK :/~/ Hello, Bob . .come on in . (SGIIfID : DOOR CIASES) JACK : Everybodyrs here but Don Wilson. ~'8Scon as he comes, xe can rehearse . BOB : -Se Jack, I just bumped into Ronald Colmsn in front of your house . JACK : / Ronnie? . .What did he have to say? BOB : Nothing .~ He put a rabbit's foot on your For Sale sign and r vent home Vhistling : Good old Ronnie . .alweys. JACK V.~1isz~hing me luck . . . - BOB : Jack, is that sign/~st a"'gag or are you really trying to sell your house? JACKO-~ Of course, I'm trying to sell it . BCB :!/J', What are you asking for it? i JACK : A hundred thousand dollars . BOB : A hundred thousand dollara! Brother! JACK : What do you mean, "BrotLera4 BGBiit:"u My brother's the only one that's got that kind of dough . JACK : Ch. .oh. .oh.,v ' cule : MARY : Say Hob;'I"thought you`vow" t4o i~fg btxPtSSSYl=over altY omtslete-rahearsaY ~ ~ 7~anyhi ~Gwuw~e ~+~y P. /su?YYk.On/u(c' :.c+h~zy -° ^" `~ ~ BCB ; I v/as, Mary, bnt I calded~Bagby L~the piano playatand he sa]A ~~_ ,-( that today ell the boys in the band have gone to a tailor to have new tuxedos made. JACK : All ~~jof the usiciane in the bard? . .NeV tuxedos?~ .Wbat'e-tta vR arx 01 01 e 4230 r -I2- BOB : ~Eh•"3 National Wine Week . ~ JACK : -0S. .You know, Bob, I'm a little surprised that they dripk anything as mild as wine . BGB: Oh aure~ Jeck . .they drink a lot of beer, too . JACK : Beer? , BOB : 'lseh. .in fact, they had the answer to Whet'11 You Have before Pabst hed the question : That I can believe . . .That's. ' JACK the only bend I ever sew where the b,a~ssc fiddle has a bung hole in it~ MARY : Jeck~' wt~y~do you and Bob always pick onOthe orchestra boys? . It's none of your business whet kind of a life they lead . ~ JACK : Look, Mary -- ~ MARY : Weak after week you're always picking on them . .insulting _- them. .you never have a kind word to say about them : Look, Mary . . . JACK MARY: They've been with you for years and you ought to be ashamed of the way you constantly run them down . JACK : boDk, Mary -- MARY: After all, your only concern should be whether or not they play good music . . JACK : Oh, I see . .ar3 you . . .you think they play good music? MARY : Well, they could if they weren't always drunk . JACK: I thought so . . .anytkaing.alse-you-heve--tv-say, Mery? >gAcv. No, the--de$Bnee-reBES . JACK : -I--shauid-Eh#t+k-so . . .Now Bob, as long as the boys in the band ' are getting tuxedos, tell them to please wear them on the show . BOB :lO[u I will, Jack . - VR Flrxo 1 01 e 4231 -13- & -14- JACK : And one more thing . . .I have a request from the California ~ ~~~~~~Chamber of Commerce . BOB : Gv.W' What's that? i JACK: Well, they wrote me a letter saying that if Sammy the drummer can't grow hair and won't wear a toupay, won't he at least paint a stem on his head so it'll look like an h"w, orange?; the reason that -- . (SONND : DOOR BUZZBR) ACK: COt4d IN . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) JACK: Oh, hello, I)on . . DON : Hello, Jack . . .Hi everybody . GANG : (AD LIB HEISAB) t- JACK: Well, I'm glad you brought the Sportsmen with ycu . . .fg, €ellows . Qik~-P:-HDBAt+H+IId . . JAC14:--C~Eg+atulat1ext& : h'AR3' ~-HHatrd-id-thay-say? dACK~---NOt3rtng,-they~el'e-Yn-tvne . . .56y Don, did you see that sign :ut on the front lawn? DON : YeA~ I noticed thatJack,~asg you really going to sell this house? JACK : Tnat's right, Don~~Why don't you buy it? ycu've tried it on enough/ . .If it's too big,we can take it in a little around the pantry . BOB : Hey Jack, why don't we get this rehearsal over with? I want to go out to the driving range and hit some golf balls . MAAY: Say, I'd like to go with you, Bob . BR RTY{01 0184232 1r -15- JACK : All right, kids, maybe we'11 all gc . .but first let's get r on with/ the rehearsal . DON : ,i6plC, 'Rnat kind of a show are we going to have? JACK : Well, Don, the first half is all .written, but we're not sure what to do for the last half . I'd like to do something different : How about doing. MEL a satirical vereion of a psychological drama? MARY : Say, that's a pretty good idea . JACK : Mary, what are you talking to him for, he's the plumber . MARY : Oh, I thought he was one of your writers . f . JACK : We11, that's a stupid mistake . . .when he pronounced 1 psychological right, you shoulda known he wasn't . .Now look, Mister, we have a rehearsal to do . . .just go finish your job . ' MEL : That's vhat I came to tell you . I'm all through . JACK :Good, good . MII. : !/7 But there's something I think you oughte know : What? . - JACK MEL : We11, there was a leak in one of the pipes and while I was tracing it, it led me way to the back of the house on the top floor . . . .and in one of them unused rooms I saw a fellow with curly hair sitting there eating Jello . JACK : What? MARY : Jack, that must be Kenny Baker . JACiC : -He--=nej&t's impossible . RGCH: MAyBE IT'S TNE GAS MAN . JACK : No no, that happened in the basement . . .Look, Mister, you • didn't see anybody up there, ip s probably just a ~ hallucination . y MEL : $r$W that's a good word . R rxo1 0184233 -16- JACK : Yes yes . .Now as Long as you're through with your job, you can go . MEL : Okay. . .goodbye . JACK : Goodbye . (SGi7PID : FEW FGGTSTEPS) JACK : Now kids . MEL : Gh, pardon me, Mr . Benny. . .is your house still for sale? JACK : Yes . MEL : How much A you want for it? JACK : Look, you couldn't afford to buy it . . MEL : You didn't get my bill yet . . JACK : What? MEL : When you see it, remember it ain't no hallucination . JACK : Get out of here . (BGDPID : DGGR SI4M) JACK : .Bmem:, .Now Look, kids, as long as everybody wante to go out and hit some golf balls, let's start the rehearsal . . . n...-r`w.:e-it-f-rom-thE"~P . AB GPESTM~a-BIIVNFF.-BAY-,-BBB C,A68BY; AND J-YOURS-RBttL'Y'4-- JA6K-- -Han; Bon,-hold-tt-a-seeeed - P0N .------l'h r the-matter? -dA6[E: Ynvrne-read3r+B_rh= ~•~,.~°-tiC[ng'vxon~-NCy_ts,y f~rand th#s-time-waSS}t~eur-4rrtonatton . -FRN:-_&ut..Task7-thet's-the-wag.I-'ae-slxays-read-it . s-not.-right. ~ BBN~--iG,,: 'n;;Q-""~,~ ,-~- . ~ng-it-tAat-way-€on n}neLeea_years- - Arxoi 0184234 ~ -17- -JtR(3%:-Wel F i Y___-,~ra vouive tsen-readinq itsrr~nq . Ti>.v-iL- aRatnz . ~g2N:----Pf aw--walt-a--mi nute:--Jack--thst dx am'-t -make-senee- .-- If- -I-'ve-been-raatii_nz-it--vrenR-~ot' nlneEeeia-veanarhaw- come yflu-wai-ted-Gii-~ now-t~-eerreekr mt° .iABK:--Eecause-nro-un4irlav6--wesk-ren-were-aud#tioni+nc :: .. TlatJ s how-ceme .-Nwr-let+s-..-~.-.~nnls,-wl~eae-were-yew? ~DEHN19rY/hi2e-yeu-were-arga4ng'wfth-Eon, tPe-deer-bei3-rang-so_I anawe-red-itt- .SACK,--~4te-vas-it? Z~tIS :-dnst-some-msn-snd-vomsn- : thay-wa[rtad-tu-bvy--ysur-heuseT buLS-sant_them-away .- 3A6K:---Dann#s ;-they-wanted-tro-bvy-tt~ricvse-and-yotrsent-tism, away7--vJhy!d-yau-da-thst? L-~iVA~9 :- f-diCn*t-thfnk-they'd-ba--HePPy-here . ,SA6IC:F'-3-1~-ti~t-`s-aonc-ofyour-bva4naes: . - 8rour-nsw~~lat-me . answer-the--door, . .Now Don, while we go in the other ro .m and rehearse the dialogue, you run through the commercial ~ with the °portsmen . Do you have something prepared? DON : Yes, Jack, but I was thinking about your house . JACK :, ,- Look Dq n, you can't afford to buy it, so 1et's --- ~n DON : ~~ I&idntt mean that, Jack . . .I thought aslong as you're A Cctltc ;~u~, anxious to sail the house, it may hvlpn if we did-allttle something about it with the quartet"l . on the radio . Y~E . .':~.n .~L -Tcl . ~c . - _ JACB : Oh•••a3'.• .something abou~ my house' €ar-ss1e . . .We11, thaY's wonderful, Dcn . . .Hey, kids, you go cef in the other room and rehearse the dialogue, I want to listen to this . . . Go ahead, Don . . .lst's bear it . BR AT 9 01 0184235 -17A- QUART : I WANT A HOUSE JUST LIid=. TII; HOUSE THAT BENNY HAS FOR SAIE I WANT IT 30, IF I HAD THE DOUGA I'D BUY IT WITHOUT FAIL A GOOD OLD FASHIOMD HOUS^. WITH 2H ROCiiS LOTS OF CLOSETS FOR MY MOPS AND BROOMS I WANT A HOUSE ,NST-LI KE- THu HOUSE THAT BENNY HAS FOR SAIE . ' `) u.n. J, "~ fn u.LZIaJ JACK : Don, the y- b e8tet sell cigarettes, tao .~/ti'li-!'- '~ QUART : I WANT A SMOKR' JUST LIKE THBKE, SMO O 5 THAT PIe ASEgMX I EAR OLD DAD LSMFT, THAT'S THE SDiOIGs FOR ME THE BEST I'VE EVER HAD IT'S THE BEST I EV^ki HAI} AND UJCICY STRIEE'S TF43 ONLY SMOKE FOR YOU BETTER TASTING, CIBANER FRESHEA, T00 I YlANT A PUFF, NO PUFF IS ROUGH 4-.FACT_, E -aAXZ-ITG A33D ~,), ~ - -w - b1Y Il9D W88 HAPPY HE NBUh}j NEVER GAOUS : AS LONG AS THERE K"sie UJCKIES IN TfL HOUSE YES IT'S A FACT . DAD'S FAVORITE PACK ~-G: WA8 ALWAYS LUCKY STRIIC; 1 - -P1EASe-DGNiT-R033r-YOUR-OWLT I - ,i-M (APPLAUSE) SR Ai 9 01 0184236 (THIRD ROUTINE) CN JACK : Donn -that'was a vea,q=g ood ide and I certainly want to s~ thank you very much . DON : Why, Jack? JACK tid/ This way maybe I can sell my h ouse direct'saA I won't Fwave te -go-y-a real estate agentn~.W.e'11 use it on the air Sunday 69, and .see if we/, get any -- (SOUIVp : PHONE RINGS) JACK : Oh, Rochester . . .answer the phone, will you, please? ROCH : YES, SIR . (SOU N } : FOOT91'EPS . . R2, CGIV~R UP) ROCH : 6LR . BENNY'S RSSIII•;NCC, STAR OF &TAC^s, SC( MN AND RADIC . -dA6K~-'l~aev3stot ,-eoo ---WAdY F6R-34 E-REtl. R067[ =W3~R-THL- RMq BW9 . JABK:---eh, yes . t WRIGHT : Hello, this is Mr . Borden calling . . .is Mr . Benny i!:, pleaseP ROCH : JUST A MINUTE . . .BOSS . .IT'S FOR YpU . .IT'S MR . BORD:3N . ~ JACK : Mr . Borden? . . .Ohn that's ttie man who was over tc look at the house . i;iaybe he's gonna buy it . . .Hand me the phone . • . . . .(yERY SMEETLY) Hellooooooooo . YIRIGHT : Operator, will you please get off the line? JACK : No no, Mr . Borden, this is Jack Benny . H'RIGHT : Oh . . .i .r . Benny . r JACK :~,h, What did you call for, hir . Borden? What what . . .wbat did µ,~ .....~. _t r you call for, . .what, yhat, w~ huh, ' :uh,i huh? ' GJw~f . -!vcu - -n-vwr : ,vh.tw. ...f WRIGHT * : Ne 1, my-wife and I have talked it over and we've almost/" ,,..4,f , made up our minds to buy your house . JACK: ' . You have, you have, you have? BR RiSS 0 1 018423? -19- w(~' WRIGHT : Yes/7 . .you said you wanted a hundred thousand dollars,,,is that wri,ght? r JACK : Yes .~ .if youfll come right over now we can close the deal, WRIGHT : Wel1, Mr . Benny, the banks are all closed now and all I have with me is a business check for two hundred and fifty thousand de3A•are: JACK : Well, come o.^n over, I can give you the change . WRIGHP : Well . . .Inhave an appointinent out at my club this afternoon ,,,I'l1 come over t* first thing in the morning . JACR : All rig`d., Mr . Esrdon, Ifll be here . . .Goodbye . ~! (SC'7DID : S7:CF.:VER DOWN) JACK : 8sy, kide„'uds, .guesa what just happened „Mr . Bozden„the man who was here with his wife a while ago, just called and said they are going to buy my house . MARY : Say, that ' s wonderful . DON : yf S ure is, Jack . BOB : That ' s great news . „ACK : Yes sir . ;SNNIS : They'll never be happy here . JACK : They wi11 if you don't visit them ,, . Now come on, kids, . r, let's finish our rehearsal and then we'll go out to the driving range and hit some golf balls . (TRANSITION MUSIC) (SOUND : CAR PULLIdVC TO STOP) JACK : Well, here we are . (SOUPID : CAR DOOR OPENS) -MARY: --Gee,-the-drio-ing-rsnge-ia-erovded-today ; • BOB : Here, Mary, I'll carry your clubs . MARY>", Thanks, lilh(SOIIM) : RATTLE OF CLUBS) BOB : Here's your bag, Jack . JACK : Careful with theCq Bob, those clubs are new . / RTH01 0184238 -20- BOB:--Lat"5'se~those-::.-9ay, that's-a-bsautifvYset ycu've jot ( t,heTa, Niindlf_1_laok-at-them? JAM_SLv,_go_right-ahead-. . (SOUNB-RA4"Pi,E-OF-eBlIB9j' . BOB:- --t3h-hah--weeas-and-Lr-aas_all-matchad-ana-registereU- . . . Sack,-wnvld-gnu_esns4der-se3t2ng-them--to-me-R JACK :---Mqy?--pan~t-yoU13-ke-ttm-civbs-you-'ve-gst? BOB•c-- Oh ; mine-are-f-iner-but-mg-wUa-hasleenlqAking all_ qver f-or-a-ladies-sek 14ke-yours : .JAOi4: --We~l; sne-can-gat--'em ; Be9-~are-b-s-1~tL]e-sUere-on YLilahire-Beu3.evard-that-aei2s-kadtes-go3P-civbs-and i . giM3es-- .---I_SusS_got-the-el+ibs-. 'MARY~--HUrry-up, f-e3-3owe---Ulmreis-an-ampty-epaee-ovar-there . JACK : Yeak, but-f-irsLwe" better get some golf balls at the stand . . . Ihnnis, here's scme money . . . go get us a coup'_e j/ buckets of balls . DENNIS : Okay. JACK : Excuse me, kids . . . I wantes swing this club t o limber up my bands . They're stiff from my violin lesson yesterday . BOB :yA Did you practice too long? JACK : No, my violin teacher closed the case on my fingers . . . T;y apppens every time I take a lesson . AENNIS : Here's a bucket of balls . JACK : Thanks, Dennis . . . Go ahead, tiary, hit one out~ MARY : Okay . JACK : Keep y o ur head down . MARY : Be quiet . (SOUND : WHIP OF CLUB AHIi CRACK OF BALL) CL flrxo I 0 1 e 423 9 -21- BOB : Hey, that was a good one, Mary . JACK : Yeah, but watch your form, Mary . Your pivot was much too abrupt and you dipped your shoulder . Go ahead, Boba BOB : Okay, here goes . (SOUNp : WHIP 0F CLUB AND CRACK OF BAIL) MARY: Wow! Two hundred and fifty yards,strsight down the middle! JACK : Yeah, but Bob, you dipped your shoulder, too . . . Now stand back and vatch me . (SOUND : (SLIGHT PAUSE . . . ) WHIP OF CLUB ANR BODY 4'HU4) MARY : Help him up, Bob . BOB : I can't Mlthout dipping my shoulder . JACK : Don't be funny . . . I just tried to hit it too bard, that was all . . . MARY :t'~l Stop making excuses . You've never played good golf in your life . JACK : Oh, I haven't, eh? . . . Well, let me tell you scmething, sister . ., Not only do I play good golf, but I even know soms great trick shots . MARY: Trick shots? . JACK : Yes . . . Here, I'l1 show you . . . IAnnis, lie down and put this golf ball on y-ur nose . . . Come on, Dennis, lie dcwr : . I7ENNIS : Okay . JACK: Now h o ld still, I7ennis, while I balance this ball on yeur nose . . . I'll show you kids a trick shot if you ever saw o ne . . . Now stand back, everybody . MARY: But Jack, you must be kidding . That's a dangerous trick . FiiX01 0184240 _22_ VVIX BOB : It sure Is . You're liable to miss q e ball and hit pennis . r JACK ; (BIG SPdI1E) . . . Ysabhhhhh! MARY : Dennis, get up . You'll get.hurt . ]dENNIS :-0t ,rycu-apoil-averiYt htng . JACK : Mary's-right ~, get up, Dennis . . . Now, watch me, Bob, and I'11 show you the correct form for driving a ball off the tee . . . Watch this : SWISH OF CLUB) JACK . (SOUNR : }Nunmmm . (SOUNp : PAUSE . . . SWISH OF CLUB) JACK : Hmmmmm . (SOUNQ : PAUSE . . . SWISH OF CLUB) . JACK : Nmm . MARY : Jack, keep it up, that's wonderful . JACK : What do you mean, wonderful . . . I missed the ba11 three times . t,fARY : I know, but you're fanning the smog out of Los Angeles . JACK : Oh, stop . IENNIS : If I'da stayed down there I'd be a mess . JACK : I ce.n't understand it . . Bob, what am I doing vrong? :.i:~! I don't knew, JackC", BOB . ..~maybe you ought to take a few lessons from the instructor here . JACK: Instructor? Where is he? BOB :% 11 U That's him over there . . . the one with the white cap . JACK: Oh, yes . . . maybe he can help me . . . Oh, Mister . . . Mister? NELSON : Yesssssss .- SACI:: Oh, no . . . Are you the golf instructor here? 4 CL RT 9 01 0194241 -23- t,Cat /-/,- "6- n NSL90N : VWhat do you think I am wearing one glove, a third baseman? ~ JACK: All right, al3-~+6 . . . Nov what do you charge for a lesson? NEfSON : It's three dollars for a half hour . Cae!( JACK: . .•-Nar gAve me a lesson . NIISON : All right . . . Let me see your swing . -JAGI~--01teY-.--aetU-UH7rI-tee-up-this-baid- .-.,- there-, . . . ]NE[SBN:-New-hi-t-it: --no••--•heY 8 ~ '~a-man+ ~Z? -4e-3eek-Benny . 0.nee-egalir. dACK :-A1} rtght. . OT~ NELSON : Grip the club firmly ., the thumb areend-the shaft . JACK : Like this? NIISON : Very good . . . But be sure not to slice . We're right next to the third hole of the golf course . . . right over that hedge . JACK: Oh yes . . . I'll be careful . NEISON : Now start your backswing, that's it . . . Now head down, keep your head down . . . lower . . . lover . . . lower . . . WHr*t*r, I KNEW IT WOULD SISP OFF . flr 9 01 0184242 r JACK : Now cut that out . . . Yw'd-i -~--1dho! NFaOrv . qb~~~)')--sa og _~ .),.~.. .,.,s . . JACK: Look, Mister, I'm paying for a lesson . . . so will you please give ms some instruction? ~6PF;-Very . . . ivPt-wrivtt-utkfP- -slou._bfla SD: P8 F Fs NELSON : All right . . . keep your head down . . . awing back slowly . . . hit it . (SOWm : SWISH OF CLUB .,, CLICK OF BALL) JACK : Oh boy, look at that one go! BOB : Jack, you got a bad slice on that one . MARY : Look, it's going over the hedge onto the golf course . NEL50N : FORE . . . FORE . . . ATX01 01 9 4243 -z5- MARY : Oh my goodness . . . you hit a msn on the head : JACK: Oh for heaven's sakes . . . I better run over and apologize . NELSON : You don't have to, he's coming over here . JACK : Qh-yea . . . Say , it's Mr . Borden the man who's going to buy my house : Who hit me on the. WRIGHT head vith that ball? JACK: I did, anQ`I'm awfully sorry, Mr . Borden . WRI(HiT ; Who's Mr . Borden? n ~ JACK : You ar and I'm Jack Benny . WRIGHT : WhotCJ~eack Benny? • MARY: Jacy6ur ball hit him so hard he lost his memory . JACK : But he can't . . . ' . . . he promised to buy the house . WRIGHT : What house? JACK : Vq house . . . don't you remember . . . think . . . think . . . the house in Beverly Hills . . . twenty-eight rooms . . . the swiuming pool . . . the spacious yard -- WRIGHT : Stop squeezing my arm . JACK; But Mr . Borden . . . you must remember . . please . . . please . . (M08IC : STARTS) JACK: The lovely neighborhood . . . the wonderful neighbors . the NELSON; What about my three dollars? JACK ; When I sell the house . . . Mr . Boxden . .try to remember . . .please (APPIAUSE AND MUSIC UP $ULi.) . JW arxo 1 01 e 4244 JACK BENNY PROGRAM AMERICAN 1Cl&lCCO CO . -26- OCTOBER 11, 1953 (Transcribed October 8, 1953 r WILSON: Ladies and gentlemen, by this time tomorrov night, eleven hundred American homes pill have had a fire . And the day af ~ that, another eleven hundred homes will burn . An~ day after /-BaT~,-year after year, this terrible destruction will go on -- unless we do something about it . What can you do? Bo constantly careful, check heating and electrical equipment . Don't smoke in bed, make sure every match, every cigarette is out before you retire for the night . Don't give fire a place to start : Thank You . . . (APPLAUSE) DON : Jack will be back in just a minute . But first, a word to cigarette smokers . . . Rr 901 01 e 4 2 45 JACK BENNY PRIX3RAM A+¢+;RIOAN TOBACCO CO . OCTOBER 11, 1953 ~Transcribed October 8, 1953) CLqSINLr CONMID'dtCIAL COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fres"ner, smoother COLiSNS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, nmoother For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer tasting x'ine tobacco COLLINS : Luckiee taste better CHORUS : 0leaner, `_'resher, smoother Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike WTaSOT7 : This is Don Wilson, friends . You `~,M ow, I'd say that the thing that gives you real smoking enjoyment is the taste o' your cigarette . Yes, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . Well, the fact of tine :netter is . . --l uckies taste better . I 6 ess that co11e e, smokers aeve known that for some time now . Last year a survey was made in leading colleges which showed that smokers in those colleges preferred Luckies to any ~ ther ciga ;ette . This year another nation-wide survey was mrde, based on chousanris of actual student Interviews . It was a representative suxvey of a11 students in regular colleges from coast to coast . This sux^l ey shows that Luckies 1a_ad aa_in -- lead over 211 other brands, regular or king-cize -- a ad by a wide !targin . Both last year snd this, the number one reason given for esao"icit~g Luckies was their hetter taste . (MOAE) OL P?7 XU) 0 184 2. 46 PAGE TWO CLOSIM COMN7ERCSAL -- OGTOPRR 11, 1953 W_'LSON: It's because Luckies are made of fYne tobacco, and msde better thet they taste better . :^hat ' s why ue think it t s a good idea for you to be happy -- go Lucky . 7es, next time, ask for a carton of Lucky Strlke, the cigarette that tastes bett,er. . SPQRTSb7EN <,U4RTGT ; Be happy -- go Lucky Get better taste todey (Long close) CL FiT15C.~1 0 9 8 4. 2 4r' (TAG ) -27- (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) _TQID_THEM_ST-WM,A-I3?};ABY--96f,D :- -JA'~ :..'.'-- .-3ou shou_1_an'~v_~ .wnc-that-.--?4ie-dea~'±s-ePf: .8c~x:_ rm ys1oK_.____Yes,--I--irik-Mt -ser~ -the--hevY- 4i84'.H .--_-°..998 .,-SM OIIGHT-Pq7tu'r9Tm~= HIS. &aUWAS EADp-ENIMCF.. , . /. /s2i . JACK : {t-~s-ue~yt~s-3ea-thintc- . . . Goodnight, £E.HesO.- (APPLAU3E AND MUSIC) DON : 'Phe Jack Senny Show tonight was written by Sam ?errin, Milt Josefsberg, George Buize-r, John Pacsaberry, Hal Goldean, Al Gordon, and pnoduced and t ranscribed by Hi.lLard Marics . Be sure to tear The American Way with Horace Heids for Lucky 3trika every Thursday cver this same atation . Consult your newspeper for the time . `_'he Jack Benny Program was brougnt to you by Lucky Strike prcduct of the Ameriean Tobacco Company . . . . .4serica's leading . nuPacturer of cigarettes . 19 t'940 1 01 84 24 8 FR o GRAM #6 RVISr D SCRIPT r AMERICAW TOBACCO CQ4PANY IIICKY STRIKE THE JACK BE M PROORAM SnNnaY OCTOaIIt 18, 1953 CBS 4 :00 - 4 :30 PM PST (TRALSCAffiPD OCT, 16, 1953 ) JF N} RTY{01 0184249 JACK 13ISINY PRCGRAM AMERICAN TOg(aCCO CO . OCTODPR 18, 1953 OPEPffNG 006ID7EftCIA?, WILSON : T?i; JACK B E2VNP PROGRAM , ., transcribed and _mesented by : ,UCSY STRIKE! COTd..INS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Bresher, Smoothor! COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CBDAUS : Cleaner, .'r`resaer, 3moother! - For Luc'sy Strike means fine tobacco R'_cher-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORIIS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! iJ ILSON : This Se Don Y7ileon, Iriends . ., h~u do you feel about it? Ien't smoking enjoyment the main thing you sant from four cigarette? Wel.1, just remember tris . Smeking enjcyment is all a matter of taste . And the ract of the matter is Luckies taste better . Cleaner, fresher, smcother, Now, freshnees is escect_a11y important -- anG you" 1 be glad to know that every oack of iucky Strike is extra tightly sealed to oring you Lickies' better t3ste in all. :.ts natural freshness, (COIVTIN'JED) D8 61" 7{n7 01 8 4250 oPENING CoMM1E8CL4- (OONTINPBD) WILSON: Light un a_ucky and see for yourself how much (Cont'd) fresher, how much better it does teste . =uckies just have to taste better . In the firet place they ' re made with fir.e tobacco . . . fine, naturally mild, good-tasti .ng tobacco . Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . Secondly, Luckies ere made 'aetter -- made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely end smoke evenly . ASl this means better taste . Yes, nmoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter ie Lack±es taste 'oetter . So Be Heppy -- Go Lucky. r,et better taste end get it fresh with Lucky Strike . SPOPTSMEN Be Happy -- (1o Lucky ~7AR'~T ~LOiYG OLOSE) Cct Hetter Taste Todayr FlTi{ 01 0184 259 -I- r(FIRST R(FTPINE) (AFPER CCdMME kCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DCWN) DON: THE LUCKY STRIKE PROCRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY. .WITH MARY LIVINGSTOIU;, RCCHBSTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CRCSBY, ' (APPLAUSE. .MOSIC UP ATID DQJN) DON : LADIES AND GENTLEAIId . . . FOR TWENTYYEAAS I'VE BEEN INfRCLUCING THE STAR OF WR SHOn', AND AFTER AIS, THIS TIDffi YCIJ'D THIMS I'D RUN WT CF NICE THINCS TO SAY ABCIT HIM . . . WELL, I HAVE . . SO HERE HE IS, JACK BENNY, (APPLAUSE) . . JACK: Thank you, thank yoY,~a Hel-~again, this is Jaok Benny talking. . .And Don . . .that wasn't a very nice introduction . DON : ~~I'm sorry, Jack . .sfter twenty years I,just couldn't think of anything new . JACK: Oh, you couldn't, eh? Well, Don, I'm sure that if I were introducing you, I wouldn't have that trouble : . 6 Oh yes, you would, Jack. . .You've been saying the. DON same things - ,k.a~ . . . about me for years .,, .I'11 bet you can't say an~ that I haven't heard before . JACK : Oh yes I can, Don . DON : What? JACK: You're £ired! . . . . . And now, ladies arxl gentlemen, we'11 proceed .w1th-~.- .1, .N.~,Y DON :. / Wait a minute,, Jack, you're not serious, are you? JACK: We11 .,,, Arxo1 01 e 4 2 5 2 I)ON : You can't fi.'re me . . .After all, I've got a wife and thrso chins to support . JACK ; Ron . .llnn, stop worr;,ring . .You've been with me for twenty years and I ho m you're with me for znother-- dT=,--he17s.,- fAsnY. MkRY: -_zdeilv, - 3ccck. . aIe?io-Ron : DON '.. Hello, Mary . MARY: sorry I'm late, Jack, but my car wouldn l t starxthis morn.ink and = had to take the bus . JACK: Oh, that's all right . IAON : Say Mary, If your car doesn't start, whydidn't you call a mechanic andfind out what's wrong,tiith iit? MARY : S_mow what's mronq with it . JACK : What? MARY : 'dell, the timing gesvr slipped two de.gre wa e wF ch not only threw off the lifting,of the valves 'o 'ut a!so caused the distributor to lose'synchronizatTOn, which chan ~_ d the £iring order of the spark plugs c.ausing the cylinders c ., pre-ignite at ':ha top of each piston stroke . t'ON : . . . .My goodness, hiary, how come you lmew so much about automobile engirES? b ARY : T_x' -yvn're oonna ride around in Jack's car, you better k:.ow everythisag . JACK : Look, Mary . .if yrnU know so much, how come you couldn't get my car started Saturday lght when we stalled on tqF of Yiuiholland Drive? yH RT IX ta7 0 7 9 4 2 53 ~`L?ON : . . .Yia:.t a m.inute, Mary . .did Jack tr.y to pull tPVSt corny old routine sbout riis car being out of gas? PrtARY: ~'Yes, but he ceuldn'.t fool me . . . . tba.t thing burns coa1 . JACK : biang, stop making things up . MA,4Y : I'm iiot mav ; 9 things up . .your car does burn coal . JACK : It does not . MARY : Then why do'you always have to stay home when John L . Inw'io calls a strike'? JACK : ;ecauee I'm a strong vnion man, tha ;;'swhy . AON : I>ay MarY, if all those things are wrong with your car, suou7 .dn't it be cheaper'to get a sev one? b?ARY : Yes, Don . .in fact, I've been skiopting °or a new car . DON : What kind do ,pou think you'T7l n t? M2RY : Well, I've 'boen thinking about'a Cadillac . JACK : 1]ee, a Cadillac . ±~.AFtY : Yes, and S'L1 still,'be tin .inking ab6ut i .t ohen I buy che m,r, ~ DON : Say Mary, are ymYpaying oash for Ui.~, 6f .Q .? MARY : No, I oan'+, e.fiord that . . .they're taking my old car for the down payment, and then I'1_' only tave to Fa.y a igat dollars arrl s- Ix tyc,nts a month . JACK : For howlang? "ILRY : Frem Here To 3teratty . JACK: Hmm, why dor,s averybody Tiave to use t he title -P that ~picture to make j okes? SH R TPfQI 0 16 4 2 54 -4- ~ DON : Becauee,it1s such a great pioture . .don't you think so? JACK: I haven't seen-it yet : Nhy not? . DON ~ .-'- -?ACK: Because it's still playing\at~a £irst run house, and I'm \ ia no hurry, I- ean wait to see it, ~\ DON : Till when?~ ~ MARY: T111 they show it on television. JACK;~"Look Mary, you can stop with those jokes . .I'm not liAthe ~ mesd-fer ------_--\\ DENNIS~~Helio, everybody . DON : :%'W Hello, Dennis . JACK: Hi ya, kid . r: . o - By the way, Dennis, you weren . t at any of the rehearsals this week. .was anything wrong? DENMS :'~ No, Mar-r .Mr . Benny gave me a few days off so I could go away for a little vacation ., .I sure enjoyed myself . I went fishing on Lake Mesde . -D6N:-- Ae11; hbw-G&ti the-fishing,-Dennis4_ . _-- DENNIS:~'Wonderful . .and boy, was I lucky . MARY : What did-youu catch? DENNIS : Four trout, three perch, five bass ard a high button shoe . JACK; . . . . .A high button sha&?- DENNIS : Yeah, but it was too small so-I_t :ad to throw it back . JACK : Oh fine. . .he caught a shoe . DENNIS : You oughta see the hip boot that got away . JACK: Oh, quiet . JF HTX01 0184255 -s- -n DON : '/, I wish I could-get away 4 do a little fishing. TAa" one of my favorite sports . MNiY_---Fishing?_ DON: Yeeb. .(wITH FNELING) . .What a thrill it is to hook a silvery rainbow trout . .one of nature's loveliest oreatlons . .What a sight as it breaks the water in a shimmering shower of glistening droFs . .and the sunlight reflecting on its irridescent beauty . JACK: Look how he describes a fish, me he can't say anything nice .aiabout . `~SU- tclw ~.vr.&n, -Ma&Y: 3sat, what are you takk#eg about? JACK: Nothing, nothing . Cry' r M~f: ~ Say, Dennis . .how long were you at Lake Meade? DIIVNIS :~ We were there for a whole week . . .and I spent all my time out on the boat . JACK: A whole week on a boat? DENNIS : AVAST THIItE, YE IANDTrmnra¢, L1Hg0AAD THE STARHOARD AND DROP THE ANCHOR -- , JACK : Look, Dennis -- DENNIS : SHIVER MY TIMBENS AND MAN THE PUMPS CR WE'LL ALL DROWN LIKE RATS -- JACK : Dennis, that's enough. DENTdIS : AHOY ME HEARTIHS, BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES AND POOPEN DOWN THE POOP DECK. JACK : That's eno , Dennis, do y~ou hear? DENNIS : (A LA HLIGH)rSTGA THAT TALK,- ~I_4t . CHRISTIAN, OR I'LL SWING YIXJ FRQd THE HIGHgST YARDABM IN THE BRITISH FY.EEP . Rrx 01 0 1 e 4_ 256 -6- JACK : Oh for heavenfs -- Hann see what you can do with him . -AfAAT: ~ ])ennis, Jack,xa right . . .v,&h~y don't you-- DENNIS : LET THE MEN MUTINY, MY :ANI} I)ON'T WORRY . .THE SHIP MAY BE ROCKIN' ANR PITCHIN', BUT I'LL SAIL IT TFIIZOUGH THIS HURRICANE OR ...... or ...... or-- MARY : Dennis, what's the matter? pF,'NNIS : I'm seasick . JACK : Good, good . . .Now look, Popeye, it's time for your song . . . so 1et's have it . ]}ENNIS : Aye, aye, sir . (APPIAUSE) (DENNIS'S SONG) (APPL4USE) BH Rr 901 0 1 e 4257 (SECONR ROUTINE) -7- : That was very good, IZennis~ And~~-lttde~for sVJACK m~~ r feature attraction tonight we're going to do our version of that exciting new picture, "hfings of the Hawk" which was produced}~y -- BCB : Say Ja~k . . : Huh7~,iWhat is. JACK it, Bob? BOB : Before you ~. into ttg tBketch, I'd^ like to ask you a little favor . JACKo A favor?, ~ BOB : ~~It's not for e, it'e for my brother Bing' He just ~E ^ put-ug a brand new svper%arket here in town . JACK: -A aupavaankax<7 . /juul BOB : Yes}r. . .the grand opening's tonlght4 . .There'p gonna be lots of celebrities there . . .and Bing eaid,~he.'.d appreciate n it if you!d come and help out . k a :+, JACI: : We1114 Roes he want me to play my violin? BOB : Dimum no . JACK : Oh, he just wants me to tell jokes . BOB : No . JACK: Well, then what does he want tma to do? BOB : B_u_y something . BH A rx 01 01 e 425 e ~ ~ -8- ~~4G ~[L .e ~ G ~~CAoI/+e~ ~>A~~~G (~ JACK : maybenI wY11 dro~ound . But Bob, I gee'-t understand . . .vith all the deals'Bing has, vhy does he want to fool around vith a supermarkat? BOB : Well, Jack, this isn't j ust any old supermarket . . .it's a super super market . JACK : It's bi d wu BCB: Big! . . .Atone end you can buy strawberries and at the other end they're out of season : Gee . . JACK BOB You hava to go through the frozen food department by dog sled . ~ - JACK : No . BOB : And vhen you cross over into the meat department, you lose a day . JACK : Well, now ' you're exaggerating . . .but I'll talk to you about it later, Bob, because right nov it's time for our skeielr . BCB :~r '~Sketch.t ~'-'~+ l JACK : Yes, tonippt we're going to do our version of Universal International's Technicolor Production, "Wings of the Hawk .' DCN: ~, I heard that picture•»s just~full of adventure and excitement . JACK : And how!„ The other night I took Mary to see it and she sat jn the edge of the chair all through it . YA1`: 3 had to, you only bought one ticket . KP RTXO1 0184259 -9- JACK : Now MaW, .BOb, Don, and Dennis . . you all have important parts^ Bob,u have the role of a colonel C in the Mexican Arsp . . .a cruel, ruthless, greedy man who lets nothing stand in his way and I'm going to take the part Van Heflin played . .that of a rough, tough, gold prospector, Irish Gallagber . DY7INIS : You're Irish Gallagher? SACK : That's right . DFNNIS : Oi vey . JACK : Never mind . .Now Dennis, in this sketch you're going to play the part of an old, old prospeotorJ~ A~ ~, ~.,,~-.T-V4o-lir-let!a g t!t_ovnr vi4.h . T vanx-to-gp -r#shing- -agairi:, JACK:-Fdrget-about-fishing . MAA'Yc-... __Is-there-s-par-t-fo~me-Sa-the--aketeg,-Jaok? SACN+_-.GerCatrly,-Mary~you're-gci-ng-to-play-the-part-o£ a _ K Maxiean-giVl? .NOV where's Mel Blano? hEL: Here I am, Jack . JACK : FOLHS, IT'S MEL BLANC . . .GIVE HIM A BIG HAND . (APPLNIISE) ~.~.' MRRY : (ilHI9PP.E B ) Jack, we're all gonna be in the play--why did you give just him applause? ro, JACK : `4er,{, I have to . . .it's in his contract . MARY : You mean you give him money and applause, too? JACK : No money, just applause . . .Itaamsaing-hew-much, -yoa-oaa save-when~ou~e-got-~lot-of--}~e-~rking- for . yott. . .Nov lct's~. .olLyea . . -*+.•n, ta,-bee3.dee-be3ng- the-elA . Prospector',, you'11 come in later as s Mexican bandit - ' DII?IVIS : Gee, two parts . . .it's hard to believe I can sing, too . R 7XU1 01 8 4260 -10- JACK : Yesh-,-yesh.,But j,pok, it's getting Iate . . .so Don, set the ~ ~ scene,. urcZ/ ~wl :eL~ AM NOW, LADIES w DON AND GENTLPMFTi . . .WE PRESENT OUR YIItRSION OF UNIVFRSAL .IN1'ERNATIONAL'S EKCITING ADVFNPURE STORY . . . "WINGS OF THE HAWK" . . . (DRAMATIC MERICAN GOhDFN MUSIC) DON : OUR STORY TAKES PLACE IN MEXICZ.~.ITUS A TIME OF WAR APII) REVOIIIPION, FOR THE COUNTRY IS BEING TORN BY THE BITTIR STRUGGLE OF THE INSURREL`TOS AGAINST THE FIDFRAL TROOPS . (MUSIC UP AND THFN OUT) JACK : (FILTER) MY NAME IS IRISH GALLAGHH2 . MY PARTNFR, DON - CARI4S WILSON, AND I WPRE PROSPECTING FOR GOLD IN THE MEXICAN HILiS . DON CARLOS, WAS A HAHD WORKIIt . . .AND I . DAY AFPFR DAY HE DUG UNDER NBUII2THAT BLISTIItING SUN LEFT HIS SIDE . I COULDN'T . HE WAS THE ONId' SHADE FOR MILE9 . . . WE WORKND ON AND ON WITH ONLY AN OCCASSIONAL INTERRUPTION . (SOUND : RAPID GUN SHOTS . . . BATTLE NOISE . . .FDRSE4 RUNNING BY) DON : Irish! Irish! It's the Federalists and the Insurrectos! JACK : (RPh . MIKE) Keep digging, Don Carlos . DON : But they're shooting at each other~ .&Avg we're right in the middle! (80UND : SHOT) • DON : Oooh„one of them got me in the arm . JACK : Keep digging . , (SOUNID : SHOT) ~~ DON : (MOANS), ; that one got me Sn the leg . RTYS 0 1 0184261 JACK : Keep digging . . . . r (SOUND : FOUR GUN SHOTS) JACK : (FILTER) THREE DAYS LATER DON CARLOS WAS STILL STANDING -Y!S1HRE BUT TIE;RE WAS Vffi2Y LITTLE SHADE . . .WE KEP"f LOOI@IG FOR GOLD, SYP-Wi3'H-ALb AWBEj,UEIG-GOING-OA, ~.'1'-HAS-A-L-riTliE-TOUGH :--ENPAY T-"^' "'~Q-A YKR-,Ei A-HOHh -FEGS.JS1-A ..F-.° "°°-RIIMi$i8-TRE iiIGGEST-CENEPZff-HQ . . . g1S91' FOR-60hH . . .ECT AFPER TWO MONT}B OF FRUITLESS EFFORT, DON CARIqS AND I FOUND WRSELYE9 WAIAIIJG THE STREh`CS OF TAMPICO . (SOUND : STREEP NOISN3 IIP AND D(XJN . . .FOOTSTEPS COSYPIIVIJING) DON : Well, Irish, .ly looks like we're about at the end of our rope . JACK : (RPXi . MIKE) Yeah, this is avful . . .Nc money, no equipment no place to sleep . . .nothSng to eat . . . nothing to drink . . . Well, let's see what we can do in this saloon . (SOUNID : DOOR OPENS) (TINKLY PIANO PLAYING "TAMPICO") H.:.,.. .~: )culr. JACK ;-t==~ place is crowded . : aw ~ (SOUND : SLAPPING ON BAR FOR SERVICE) JACK : REY, HABMAID . . .gARMAID ; wK . MARY : (MEKICAN) Si, Senor, what vill you have? JACK : Give me three fingers . -MAW : Three fingers of what? JACK : Just three fingers, I'm hungry . T tyu,ee_fi ngg~of enything . .If I don't get something to eat pretty soon, I'll -- qTHO9 018 4 262 h -12- MARY : Say, aren't you the one they call Irish Gallagher? JACK : That's right . . .And thLs is my partner, Dop Carlos . . .He and I came doan here looking for gold . DON : (DRAMATIC) Yeah, go1d . . .E4ery time I think of it, I go crazy . . .Go1d . . .go1d . .,I can see it nov . . .There it is, there it Ss . . .and it'e m1ne . . .1t's mine . . .Go1d! Gold! JACK : Put that dovn, that's the ousnidor . . .You lmou, sister, he U~ goes crazy every time he thinks of gold . -MIARY: Well, does not gold mean anything to you? JACK : Fh! I can take it or love it -- I mean, leave it . . .Come on, Don .Carlos, let's get out of here, w v.t DON : Walt~ Ir1ah . . .We're in 1uck . . .w~gF°ee that little fellov over there . . .that's Gold-bug Day . JACK : (FILTFR) YZAt(. .HE WAS GOID-BUG DAY! THE FABUiQUS OIa PROSPFX7TOR WHO FOUPID GOID E77FItY TIME BE WPNT OUT . . .DON CARIAS IN7RODUCID ME TO HIM . DON : Gold-bug Day . . . ~ Vant you to meet Irish Gallagher . DIIVNIS : (OLD MAN) Howdy, Bub . 5A6$ : -(RiT`i .-PIIRE)~' 11-eame-rlght- . he1P; GCffi=lT-u6. . S2VIVI3<-My-f-r#ends-saLl-m3Bug . JACK : -Waid., Bug, I hear that you kmov all about the gold in these parts, and I thought maybe you'd come up into the mountains vith us . \"- HI' RTN 01 0184263 -13- r DPNNIS : Sorry, son, but I'm too old fohat now . . .There was a time when I used to go up 1n1i them' hSlls . . .stay for months and months at a time . . .But then St would get me . . .I vas only human, you know . . .I'd have to come back . . .Be back in town with a load of gold aO in a couple of nights I'd blow It i all in . JACK : Women, eh? DENNIS : No, Kleenex, I've got hay fever . JACK : Oh . . .Well, look, Bug, 4 you won't go with us, maybe you G can te11 us where we can find gold . DENNZS : Sure . . .here's a map of Old Mexlco . . .See . . .You can't go 7 'wrong. . .You take the main road through Tampico tlll .you pass El Paso . After you pass E1 Paso, you go through - El Througho . . .and turn left at El Lefto . JACK : What if we turn El Righto? DENNIS : That's El Wrongo . JACK : -W. . .Why don't you come and show us the way? DENNIS : Nope, I'm too old for prospecting nov . DON : Well, wer* go alone, Irish . . .Tell me, are you sure there's gold there? DIIJNIS : 4eg, lots of it . . .enough to make one of you rich for the rest of your life . DON : Only one of us? DEMiIS : Yep . (SOIIND : PISTOL SHOT . . .BODY THUD) Hrx 0 1 0184264 1 JACK : (FILTFR) I HATID TO DO .IT, DON CARIAS WAS MY BEST FRIEND . . . I STILL FELT I MIGHT HE® A GUIDE 50 I MADE ONE MORE ATTFMPS TO GEP THE OLD PROSPFDTOR TO 00 WITH ME. JACK : (REG . MIKE) Are you sure you don't vgnt to came along vith me? DENNIS : Nope . . .oan't do it . . .but I'll see you later . JACK : You aill? DNNNIS : Yep, I come back on~ page twelve as a Mexican bandit . JACK :01r .-W«?1,yg ?-- -- it a minute -- those four Mexicans vho just came in -- they look sus ioious -- who are they? DENQiI3 : Oh, thay ;*e harmleea -- they .*r wan3ering troubadours . JACK : Oh . . .(UP) Buenas Dias, Amigos . QUART : HIOIDMA1M, WE THINK : Come on, boys, let's. JACK have a song . flTX01 0184265 -14A- QJAR'T : TAMPICO, TAMPICO, ON THE 6[HF OF MENICO r TAMPICO, TAMffI00, THAT'S THE PLACEFOR YOU TO GO TAMPICO, TAMPICO, WHERE BANANA BOAT/Y ALL 00 TAMPICO, TAMPICO, IT'S A PLACE IN MERICO IN TAMPICO, TANIPICO ON THE OUIF OF MEHICO WE JUST SIT AROfJND AND PQFF ON A IDCRY, SURE FNOU6H LUCKY STRIKE, LUCKY STRIEE HAS A BEl'TER TASTE WE TSKE ~H7MA AND^H9 AND PEDRO, TOO THEY SMO%S WC1Cg5 JUST LI&E YOU FROM SONORA TO MONTE DE'L VISTA . TIH• :RE'S A LUCKY IN EOERYONE'S FISTA AND THEY PLEASE EVERY MISSFS AND MISTER MY UNCLE MY AUNT AND MY SISTER . . L.9M, ISM LSMF LSM FF FF FFF THERE 15 NOTHIN' LII~ PUFFIN' A LUCKY BE HAPPY AND 00 LUCKY STRIRE . . STRI1CE . . LUCKY STRIKE . (APPLAUSE) RT 8 01 0 18 4266 -15- (THIRn ROUTINE) ~ JACK : (FIIII'ER) AFTER THEY SANG A FFW MORE SONGS, I LFFf AND BEsAN MY EXPEDITION . . .AND I FINALLY FOUfm THE SPOT THE OLD PROSPFJ7POR MARIM ON THE MAP . . .I BD3AN DIGGING AND SURE ENOUGH, I STIdICK IT . .66LB..G=...@}ERg-FP-E.-fi~A2 M1-FF&A': .A SIX FOOT VEIN OF PURE GLITTFRING GOLD . .IT WAS SO BEASPPIFUL I CWhDN'T UfIDEFL9TAND WHY PEOPLE GEP MAD WHEN YOU CALL TRNM YffiJAv7 . . .911 I STARTED TO DIG OUT SOME OF THIS FABUTAUS TRE9SURE . .A TROOP OF HORSII.SPST SWOOPED DONN ON !B. (SOIIFID : HOR4E4 HOOVES . .GUNS SHOTS . .SHCUTS) i ._ JACK : I REALIZED IT WAS FOOLISH TO RESIST, SO I WAVED A TRUCE FLAG. . .AS SEVERAL OF TBFSt APPROACH® ME, I RECOGNIZED. . THEIR LF.ADER AS TH6 CRUEL COIANEL RWITZ, AND I IINIW I'D HAVE TO PLAY IT CAGEY. BOB : 3enor Hombre, I hear that here you have discovered gold here . . . . I theenk, Senor H=bre . JACK : (FILTER) YES, I WOULD HAVE TO PLAY IT CAGEY BECADSE HE WAS PLAYING IT LOUSY . JACK : (RF& . MIRE) What did you say, Colonel Ruiz? BOB : I hear that~ you have discovered gold . JACK : Gold? 56, there'a no gold around here . Arx 0 1 0 1842 6 7 -16- ~ BOBaQ Senor Irish . .we are not ones to fool eround . .and we happen to know that you have found gold here . JACK : (RLG . MIKG) All right . .so whct about it?~ POB : My general iisi'e has a proposition to makeA yon . JACK : Well, let's have it . MEL: Si los metamos tendrlamos 9ue cargar con todo, por lo tanto coja usted el ore, Y matalos despues . JACK : What did he say? BOB : He' 11 give you . JACK : H'mrumn . (SOUND: GUN SHOT) JACK : (FILTER) YES, ISiOT HI41 . I M4Y BE IAI57I BUT I a'i .6D BL'TTLR ODDS THAN THAT . . .BUT THC IZ'J'/DiALISTS HAD US OU4SVUMIDIStPD . ' THCY (QLLED 4R WORIff1iS, AND TOOK TfiE MINE . I HAD "-b 1= INTO TfO; HILLS FOP. b14 LIFE . AFPIIt 1!AND'RING R7R D1YS, I STUMBLED PMUSTLD INTO A CAMP OF INSURALC'Y7S . AT FIRST THEY WERE SUSPICIOUS, BUT FINALLY OND OF TjPM CAYff ; OVGR AND SHOOK MY HAND . . . JACK: (REG . D'IIKG) You want to shake hands? MEL : Si . JACK : Then I ng+C consider you my friend? MEL : Si . JACK : You will always help me? MEL: Si . JACK : (FILTER) =d TO MY SURFRISG HE WALKhD AWAY . ~-6BF3hDHRtlE St.*/1RX. yt^. WG S C.(tiNn rnzm . . .TIiN INSURRDCTOS GAVE MC POOD AND DRINK AND I WAS ABOUT TO BE ON H6' WAY WHIN SUDDENLY 'IIff RE WAS A STIR OF E CCI GO M CAST : (AD LIB BABBLD OF VOICES) GR RT 8 01 0184266 -17- JACK : (REG, MIfO;) What is it? What's happened? ~ MEL: It is our leader, Raquei . . .ehe has been wounded . JACK : Your leeder.,,is a girl? -MARI' : ' Si, senor . .,I am Requel, their leader . JACK : Well, I'm awfully pleased ti --- wait a minute, weren't y~< , you the barmaid? . itARY°: Si Senor, -T ^--...- t ___~~,_o o-I-ean-kyep-up-Che .o~iia; .~sx/~~.~Ibp~ de~ea~Y¢ ~Yment- ~--o~=Q .F~aEv~1 yJtw .G~n~ JACK : Well, I-- Raquel -- Raquel -- there Ss//blood on your U~ shoulder . -MARY-.^ I know, I Wve been ehot . . .the bullet is still in there . MEL : Senor, there are no doctors here, and nu tinme to lose . . . j can you remove the bullet? JACK : I'll try, .,Now Raquel, there y $s no anaesthetic anc? this knife is going to hurt . YARY: I know : You'll have. JACK to be brave . 'MAR•1`: I will try . JACK : Dontt lose your nerve . -MARY : I won't, JACK : Okay, here we go . . a4t0 GRUNTS) There . . .it's out . (SOUfID : BODY THUD) MAAY: Pick him up, he fainted, JACK: (FILTER) WHEN I CAME TO, RAQ,ULL APID IIJERE AIAPL AND SRE WAS STROKING MY HAIR . SR8 WAS G ORGEOUS, W1T}I 3MOOTH OLIVE 77fa+.4rn ~ ~ SKIN, LUSCIOUS LIPS AND A FIGURE LIIQ; MEORBAS , AS I CONTINUED LOOKING INTO E ER ADOR ING EYES, A THWGfPT CAM TO ME,,,WRAT WAS 30 BAD ASOUP NC/fAE pAbIIS AND SIX- T ^ .,^ s„ .~ . : TFHM' E-T=am~z~'xn RA@UEL .-ojooht . 41 ''''F . rw~ ~t L BR ~ m J~~ FliX01 0184269 JACKi- . (REG . MIKE) Tell me, Raquel, what d_o .yoti do when you're r nbt -_f ighting the Federals? MAHY : I work in the Tamp1ob Branch of the May Company . ~-~ JACK : They have_e-branch in Mexico?-~--__ MARY : Yes; :.IPm in the Jose department . ~~ ~ ~. JACK: ~ - '~(FILCER) THIS CONVERSATIINP WAS GETTIHG 1V0 PLACE, SO-I , ~ -- _ _Z _ -DECIDID TO LEAVE . ~BVP AS IMHED TO GO, SOMEONE PUISP9 ~ AT MY SIEEVE . n MEL : ~Senor Irish, Senor Irish . . JACK: (REG . MIIO;) 'Ahat is it? MEL: Before you leave, I would like you to meet myn son,JTomas . JACK :~ Hello, Tomas . ~ MEL: Tomas, he is learning to be a magician . He does a _ wonderful act on the stage with his seester, JACK : Really? So you're a magician, eh, Tomas? HARRY : Si . JACK : And you have an act? HARRY : Si. JACK : With your sister? HARRY : S1 : What. JACK is your sister's name? _ HARRY : Sue . JACK : Sue? HARRY : Si . JACK : Well, what do you do in your act? HARRY : Saw . fiiFS' Sa BR Hr 8 0 1 0 1 e 4270 -19- -HA.. .:. .,.. JACK : What do you saw? HAHHL: Sue . JACK : Sue? HAARY : S1 . JACK: Now wait a minute eomebodv out you uo to thia who was t? N".'[a : . Nie . JACK : You? MEL : Si . JACK : Who are you? MEL: Cy. JACK : Cy? - - MEL : Si . JACK: Now cut that out! JACK: (FILTER) BE'IYIEEN THE RW0 OF THEM, THEY WEtE DRNIIVG ME SO NUfS I COULDN'T CY STHAIGNT -- F-4MR, SEE STRAIGE :T . . . THEN SUDDENLY OUf OF NOdHERE THE FGDr'R.iP.IS ATTACIO;D . (SOi1Nb : GUN SHOPS . . .APID BATTIE NOIStS) JACK: (FILTER) ONE BY ONE THEY Ci/P US DQJN . .AND THEN RAQUEL WAS HIT . . : N53`A='F~6U6H-TSiEHOFTi-HV~ FUR-SHOI3LMEkY. . .WFi FOUGHT DESPEEiATSLY BUP RAQDET. AUID I WERE CApTi1HED AND THRIXJN IN JAII.. (SOUND : CLANK OF PRISON DOOR) ,TA~K:--(R&~-N$~)-Re¢o-l~ vhatr-ere-they--goaae_d~t~m_a~ NARY~2--know_ttiese peegs . They will ehow_us- fi vsrcy . JACK: What are we g -t dop ?,_= ~~ ~ BH arx 01 01842 ? 1 _P0_ Mf+RY : Wait . . .That Mexioen prisoner sleeping in the next cell . . . r , maybe he can tell us how to escape . JACK : Yeah. . .I'11 ask him : COUPLE . (SOUPID FOC/PSTEPS . .TREN RATTLING OF TIN CUP ACROSS CELL BAR3) . JACK : Ah . . .he's'waking up . . .Excuse me . 3enor. . .but tell me . . do they keep ~p~rds on duty here all night : I do not know . ~ . . RUBIN JACK : Do they have a well,surro \ing .this prieon? RUBIN : I do not know ., JACK : Well, is it possible to escape from~tw re? RUBIN : I DON'T KN(k7 . ~ ~ JACK : Look, if you don ' t know enything what are you doin3 here? RUBIN : Dennis Day was supposed to come back as a Mexican;,but be went fishing. ~.~ JACK : (FI14'ER) THAT NIGHT I COULDN'T SIBEP A WINK . . .TRG CELL W68 COLD, l+'ET AND FIIT'HY . . . . I DIDN'T MIND THAT SO MUCH, BUT ALL NIGRT UJNC THE WIND KEPT WHISTLING THROLCH RAQUEL'S SHOIIIDER . . THE NERT MORNING, AS THE SUN ROSE, THEY BLIPIDFOII RD US AND MARCHED US OUT TO THE COURTYARD . (SOUND : MARCHING FOOTSTEPS) BOB : Haltl (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS STOP) BOB : READY: AIM __ Rrx 01 01 e 4 2 ? 2 -21- 22- JACK : (EXCITED) Wait! You can't shoot me down like a dog . . give me a break . .give me a chance . ..cC( BOB : I wiW tell you what Ido, Senor . I give you a fighting chance~ Take off your blindfold . .Nop, here is a weapon for you . . .and a weapon for me . JACK : What? BOB :You count to ten and may the best hombre win . JACK : Well, all rightn• .one . .tvo. .threa . . : GUN SHOT) . (SOUND JACK : Ooooooh .•Not yet . . .four . .five . .six . . {$GHIO>G9N-3gfY" JACK : AmoRphh . .seven. .eight . . (SOUND : GUN 81IDT : Ooooooh• .I think you're cheating) JACK . .Nlne . : GUN SFIOT ) . (SOUND JACK : You missed me . (SOONID : GUN SIHYf ) JACK : That's better . .Ten . . .0oooohh . (30UDID : BODY TEQJD) MARY : Irish . .Irish. .why didn't you shoot back? JACK : I couldn't, he gave me a knife . . . JACK :(FIIA'ER) AS I LAY THERp DYING, ➢F~F[-P&-7~9T-STf2HV9TH-I- 4/~:r:r': ~ +rnila+wG....n_eCw >-nuya. .G../!-.- , ~09K-...v .~..L~.. ...m_ I-TF$i~1F-jPl~•-- (001fttB: ~@}H~B9BY-'F}WB} SACK:- 1PG~T'WASN-`T'OOrAN~,-RGPL-Wfi6-PEtTrtfl'-t'6 FEEP--1~WA5-A -BIRB.-Y0U-3EE; t•fl-APII'E-HAD-9ffP_o,-.-...~-'-.~~-r..,,.. GF-TF FFAlfli": (APPLAUSE & PLAYOFF) Nrxoa 0 1 e4 2 ?3 -23- ALLOCATION ~ WILSON : Iadies and gentlemen here's an important announcement . Carelessness is the greatest single cause of forest fires -- fires that every year destroy enough timber to build 86,000 homes . Most of these fires started because somebody was careless with a lighted match, a campfire, a burning cigarette . Be on guard constantly against fire . Don't give fire a place to start . Thank you . (APPL4USE) WILSON : Jack vill be back in just a minute . But first, let's meet America's prettiest professional golfer . Here she is -- Miss Alice Bauer . BR Nrx 01 0 1 8 4 2 ?4 CLGSIAG CGMMERCIAL -C- r ALICE BAUER : You know something, I like to play golf . I've played (TRANS :) golf for so many years . I've played ametuer golf at first and now Itm playing professional golf . And I do like professional golf much better it, I don't know, has more competition in it and you really have to play a much better geme of golf . I guess that's all e matter of taste though, end after a hard day out on the golf course and really haxd competition, I like to come in and sit down and relex and light up a Iucky . I guess thatts a matter of taste too, but to me Luckiea taste better . WILSON : (LIVE) Thanks, Alice Beuer . Friends, smoking enjoyment is all a metter of taste . And the fect of the matter is -- Luckles teste better . . . cleaner, fresher, smoother. First, because Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . And second, because Luckies are made to taste better . So, Be Happy -- Go Iucky . Ask for a carton of Lucky Btrike ) RT 8 01 0 184275 (TAG) . "27' JACK : Ladies and gentlemen, next Sunday night over the entire C .B .S . Network I will be doing my third television show of the season . (69FSNB:--'1WO 8fHi- ~3kn7.'Sy' -JACK:-+dait-a-minute, e=ll^ .= The-skebch-is-over . -MARY-:--Jaok.-those--shete-eeme-fram-the-aadlBFide . 3ACg--:Gh.-.oh- , sne . . . Goodn (APPLAUSE AND MUSIC) DON : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin, Milt Josefsberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . Be sure to hear The American May with Horace Heidt for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station . Consult your newspaper for the time . The Jack Benny Program wae brought to you by Lucky Strike product of the American Tobacco Company . . . . America's leading manufacturer of oigarettes . RTXO1 0794276 CL2t'8G0 LON1H wu (~56i 'ta 'aao o~uuosHVUZ) Nd oo h - oo•h t a s ag r ~ ass 2-2 -di s vox M „ -~~,v aarxos Mu~x z# wvuaoua . TAE JACK BENNY PROGRAM ' • AMERICAN TOBACCO CO . OCTOBER 25, 1953 (Transcribed October 21, 1953) OPENING COMM ERCIAL WILSON : The Jack Benny program . . . transcribed a.nd presented by Lucky Strike : Luckies taste: COLLINS better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother COLLINS : Lackies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother For Iucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother Lucky Strike Lucky Strike ~ WILSON : This is Don Wilson . You know, friends, there are three words that pretty well sum up why so many millions of smokers prefer Lucky Strike . And those three words are, "Luckies taste better" . "Taste" that's the key to real smoking enjoyment . After all, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is Luckiee taste better -- cleaner, fresher, smoother . Luckies come by their better taste in two ways . Flrst, from fine tobacco -- ard that's right where you'd expect better taste to start . LS/MbT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco -- fine naturally mild, gocfl-tasting tobacco . Second, Luckies are made better to taste better . You can see for yourself that they're round, firm, fully-packed, to draw freely and smoke evenly . You'll get more enjoyment from smoking if you remember . . . smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . 'n' (MORE) - Arx 01 0184 2 ?8 THE JACK HENNY PROGRAM OPENING CCl+MERCIAL - PAGE 2 WILSON : And the fact of the matter is Luckiee taste better. Be (CONf~D) happy -- go Lucky . Get better taste . Next time ask for a carton of Lucky Strike . COLLRS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother Iucky Strike Lucky Strike JF Rrx 0 1 0 1842 7 9 ~•(FIRST ROUTINE) -I- (APTFSi COPR'ERCIAL, M1BJSIC UP AND Da•7N) r DON: THE UJCKY STRI KE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . .WP1H MARY LIVING.STON6, ROCHESTER, IENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE . .MGSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: LADIES AND GENPLEMEN . .IMMWIAIffi.Y AFTER THIS' PRIXiRAM JACK BENNY WILL DO ANOTHER TEIPsVISION SHOW WITH HIS GUEST STAR HUMPHREY BOGART. . .MEANaHILE, LETIS 00 OUT TO BEVERLY HILLS . . . LAST NIGHT JACK BENNY HAD A SMALL DINNER PARTY AT HIS HOME . AS WE LOOK IN NOW, WE FIND ROGQSTER ONCE AGAIN WITH TfM HELP OF HIS FRIEND, ROY, CISANING UP . ~ . (SOUND: VACUUM CLEANE i GOINI . .SUSTAIN IN B .G.) ROOH : GEE, IT WAS NICE OF YW TO COME OVER AND } E LP ME WITH MY WORK, ROY. ROY: Oh, that's all right, Rochester . . .that's vhat-friends are for . (SOUND : VACUGM oFF) ROCH : THERE, TAE RUGS LOOK FINE NOW . .HELP ME PUT AWAY TNE CHAIRS . ROY: Okay . (SOUND : MOVIPG OF CHAIRS. .SCUFFLING NOISES) ROY: Saq, who did Mr . Benny have at the party lost night? ROCH: 0H, THE USUAL PEOPLE . . .HIS CAST. . .SOME OF THE hfiJSICIANS . . . AND HIS NRITERS . ROY: Were Mr. end Mrs . Ronald Co].man here? ROCH : NO . . .THEY WERE ~I)JVITED . .BUT AS THEY WERE LEAVINi Tf~IR 2 HOUSE TO COMEj HERE, MR . COLMAN TRIPPED ON THE STEPS AND BROKE HIS LEG . RM 1~-F Rr 801 0 1 e 42 e 0 ROY: NOJ ~ ROCH : YEAH . .YOJ SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE S6IILE ON HIS FACE AS TH6Y DROVE HIM AWAY IN THE AMBUTANCE . . . . . NWJ IETIS TARE THE EXTRA LEAVES OUT OF THE DINING RUOM TABIE.APID- G9T-1T-BACK iP0~ . (SOUND: SUITABLE NOISES) ROY : Say, Rochester -- who sat in this chair? ROCH: FRANK RE6II,EY. . .WHY? . ROY: He left his shoes under the table . ROCH: WELL, PUT HIS SHOES IN THE CLOSET. ROY: You'll have to help me, he's still in them. Y I Y It,l ]~ :, Rf an a n~ y : ROY: Say, Rochester . .would you like to go bowling with the boys on your next day off? ROCH : I CAN'T, ROY. .I HAVE A DATE TO GO OUT WITH SUSIE . ROY: -Seg, ~ou've been seeing a lot of her, haven't you? ROCH: YEAH;, ROY: Tell me, Rochester . .why don't you and Susie get merried? ROCH: OR, WE'D LIISE TO . . .IN FACT, I EVEN TALY3D TO HER FATfERR. . BUT HE SAID HE WON'T IET ME MARRY SUSIE BECAUSE I CAN'T lens SUPPORT HER IN THE~STYIE TO WHICH HE HAS ACCUSTOMED HER .7Yi . ROY : Oh . . .what does he do for a living? ROCH: NOTHIhG, HE'S ON REYIEF . . . . NOH LST'S PUT ALL THg SILVERWARE AWAY. R6Y:-,.-' gsee in-th13 -d , . R00H:---ff1AT-3-I1': (SOUND : BUREAU DRAWER OPENS . .SILVERWARE BEING PUT AWAY) RM Rr 901 0 1 e 4 2e 1 -3- ROY: Gee, Rochester, I thought you were making more money now . . . Wasn't Mr . Benny supposed to give you a raise last year? ROCH : UA RUH. . .BUT THEN HE GOT MAD AT ME ON PSBRUARY FOURTEENTH . . . THAT'S HIS BIRTHINY. Oh; and-yeu-SorBat'•-t~•-' ROCH: H9;-I- ~ ...... Wifl':N7 BE CAME DOWN TO BREAIQ'AST THAT MORNING, I PRESENTED HIM WITH A BIRTHDAY CAKE WITH F /` CANDIES. . . ROY:What did Mr . Benny do? ROCH: HE ATE ONE CANDLE AND WE WERE BACK TO NORMAL . ROY: And he used a silly thing like that for a reason not to give you a raise? ROCH: UH HUH. . ROY: Rochester, tell me something . . .vhy is 2M . Benny so. .er. . shall ve say--frugal? ROCH: OH, WE SHALL, WE Si+AT .r .J ROY: Whet I mean, Rochester, is~vhy is Mr . Benny so anxious to save all his money . .doesn't he know that-0ld saying, "You can't take it with you?" ROCH : CH, HE KNOWS HE CAN'T TAKg IT WITH HIM, . .BUT HE FIGURES IF HE LEAVES A BIG ENOUGH PIIE, HE CAN LOOK DOWN AND SFE IT . f_it, ??0CN•- I-P&'VgR-JFNoo.r'nroF--TxdrT : DOOR OPENS). (SQTND JACK: Good morning, Rochester . ROCH : GOOD MORNING, BOSS . ROY: Good morning, Mr . Benny . Arx0 1 01e 4 2e2 -u- JACK:Gh Good morning, Roy . . .Well, you fellows certainly have the house looking nice and clean . RCCH : T'HANK YCU. . .SAY, WOULD YOU ISKE NP TO GET YOU ANSRHItd7 SPECIAL FOR BREAISFABT?-0ffi.=ffiNM9 JACK: / No, Reehester. .just' orange juice, coffee and toast . RCCH : U5 I'LL HAVE IT READY IN A IXAJPLS GF MCNCTSS . i (SGIJND : FE41 FCCTSIEPS . .DCGR OPENS & CLOSES) ~6K'--Yan-knaw, , -come._orer. \\\ and help Rochester on your day off . ROY: ~,I'm glad to do it, Mr . Benny. .after ell, RochesteD s my best frlend . .We've known each other for yapra•• .we even went to'school together . j JACK: I didn't knod ', thet . . .Tell me, Ray. .whet kind of a kid wes Rochester? . . .Did tie- go in-for athletics when he was at school? \ ROY : No . . but he dSd sing in the school glee club . .he was a boy sopraho . - \ JACK: A .soprano? ROY : Yeah, vhen his voice changed, it reallv changed . ~6K: I know; I-krrew~ MEL : (SQUAWK9) HELLC, IQ•.'IdA. . .(WHISTIES) JACK: Oh, hello, Polly . MEL: Hello, Deddy . .hello, Daddy . .,(WHISTLES) ROY : Gee, that sure is a smart parrot you heve there, Mr, Benny . JACK: I know, Polly,xe very clever. MEL: Very clever, very clever . (S@UAWKS) ROY: This morning while Rochester and I were cleaning up, she just kept singing all the latest songs . arrc 01 01 e 4283 ~ /~ -5- JACK: I know . . .every wee'he liatens to the Hit Parade . ~ ROY: Oh. . .Polly likes music? JACK: Ye7f/ and shet e crazy about Dorothy Collins, too . MEL: (SINGS LIISE DOROTHY COLLINS) IUCK-KP9 TAS78 BET-TER -- CLEAMEH, FRESHSR, SM0017IEH -- (SQIRHK ARD WHISTLE) hal JACK: You ' re dernArigi~t they do, Polly . (SOUPII7 : DOOR BIIZZER) ROY: Shall I answer the door, Mr . Benny? . 70, JACK: No,' 'll get it, Roy . (SOCND : FOOTSTEPS) JACK: I wonder who that is at the door . . .Maybe it :e Ave Gardner . . . 1, or Jane Russell . . .or Merilyn Monroe . (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS STOP) . JACK: Gee, here it is eleven o'clock e[d I'm not eweke yet . . . .Oh vs• well . . . (SOUND : DOOR BUZZBR) JACK: omi , coming. (SOUND : COUPLE FOOTSTEPS. .DOOR OPEtbS) BOB : Hi, Jack . JACK: Oh, hello, Bob . Come on in. (SCUND : DOOR CLOSES) JACK: Bob, I wasn't expecting you . MEL : Hello, Bob . . .Hello, Bob (S@UAWKS & WHISTLE) BOB : Atr,' {fello, Polly . . . .Say, Jack, I ceme over h .3v to see you on a rather~personel metter that -- . .~Sz '~.ae Y~.LG- JACK : Nov, 1ook , Bob, if it's about,/ raise in salary, ~ . I can't -- BOB :~'~ No, no, Jack. I'm perfectly happy with what I'm getting . 4 RM flTiS01 0184284 s_ vHE _6_ JACK://i~~ ~0ood, good . . .Then what is it~Bob? r BOB : Well, Jack, one of the giamicke on my afternoon television show is sort of a quiz . . .end you can help me out . JACK: How? BOB : Well, .you'll stand behlnd a semen where no one can see you c end~ play someth_i~g on ypur violin . . ~pQ k'n, . iv.e - .., JACK : On my violin . .Hey, that's great . . .end the contestant ?4 will try to guess what song I'm playing . BOB : No, what instrument . JACK: -} aRw, . .welln I guess Z can do that for you, Bob . . .and then I'll tell you whet.ih'12 do . When the quiz is over, I'll s tep out on the stage and tell sorze jokes . BOB : Gee, thanks a lot, Jack~ . .but . .,but .,,ue don't heve .es .rnv ,nelc - on tl16 program .e . 'f4u see, we find it kinds difficult to i get leughs on my show . JACK : Well, that's funny . I get big laughs on my show . Why is w it,;tough for you? BOB : Well, look . . .I'm a young men . . .I'm reasonably nice looking .,, aw sing a gretty_gnod song . . . JACK : Uh huh . BOB : -_~,~ .Heve ad own hair, and I like to spend money, h c»- a m r -going-ta get laughs? JACK: Gee, I never thought of that . AOCH: (COMIAG IN) TFIIi MAIL JUST CAFE, NR, BENNY,,,BBBg IT 13 . JACK: Oh, thenks .,,Lat's see . . .These ere all bills . . .this looks like an advertiaement ., „ 's ~srest 3ure" 1ook FiTX01 0184285 - 7 - ~ R~x - t-iaaew, m-a$~aem; xg-m~teustrr-t~~~~ JACK: }6mm;-6kriat~res Sa-eead~gr,he-stants_being-nice_tn--ma-, Let's see what this ad is . ., (SOUND: TE_4RIN6 OPEN OF ENVEhOPE) JACK : It's from the Book of the Month Club,, .lheylve been trying ~K nJ .,2 wonder. r to get me to join that for years,' if I should . ~ BOB : i-I3-'a a good set-up, Jack . . .You get ell the latest books . . JACK : I know . ~ BOB:~~All my friends and~femily belong to it . JACK: Who about your brother Sing? ~ . ~ .- BOB: 9h; he belo~s~'1at•o~~•the av oht of the month club . JACK: The vacht of t~onth club? I never heard of that . BOB : The only other member is Ali Kahn . JACK : Oh. BOB: King Farouk dropped out about a year sgo . JACK: 0Y 0 l ROCH: SAY, MR. BENNY, YOUR BREAKFAST IS READY. JACK: Oh, thanks, . .Bob, would you like to join me? BOB: No~ Taok~~I just had mine, . .bet xitile-yett+re-eefirFng-i-3e .- -yeu-mind hf-I-uee-yatr--pisno?' JAQC:-NO,-go-ehead• . 'BB$:~-~I~~tke1B-Ikin-6Y6P~-90ng-31m.gpAnB-da-eH-pl,y~tatuvini n show: JACK : Good, good . . .ga-eheed-r-Bob, USE) 1i:"{i+PF~BSE) RM RT}{O1 0184286 -e- JACK:-SaY~-Bob,-that-xas-a-geeA-ntusber,-SYd-likeyouu-te 3o-i-t-on- my_ahoW-sometsme . BOB : S Ld lov~_te; Jeck;--but^ V d better be running elonC now or I'11 be late for my afternoon T .V . ahov . R ~,1 JACK :.T.4ut it's eti pretty earl anz w : -2, know, but I still have to be made up,. BOB and I need a shave, MEL: ~ Ho~v a e you fixed for blades . (47AISTLES) BOB :jJ~/ Gee, she knows the Gillette consnorclals . ROCH :' KNOWS 'I2f, SED: DOS -I•M, JACK: Oh, so that's where she goes evory Friday night . . .Ne11, so long Bob, see you at rehearsal Saturday . ,;4 ? HOH : So long, Jack . ..~F ; . ~.: . .4~ , (SOUND: DOOA OPINS & CI:OSGS) ROCH : OR, MR . Op JACK: Yee':y ROCH : WELL . . . ROY AM1 I HAVB FINI9ICD CIRAHII•IG UP THE HOUSG, AND ACY IS ABOUT TO LPAVE . .,AHD WLLL, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO 9HOW YOUR APPRECIATION . JACK : Oh, yes„';~ . . . (SCUND: COUPLE OF FUOTSTI:PS ., .D00R OPINS) JACK : oh, Roy . ., ROY : Yes, Mr . Henny? JACK : I xant to thank you for helping Rochester . . .and here, this is for you . . .One . . .tvo . .,three .,,four . . .five . ROY : Em ve, ;+:r . Benny? ra BA flT}l01 09 8 42 9 7 JACK : Yes, bring your "fTie,nds, they mi ght enjoy the broadcast, 11-11 too . It'a reallyqa (&ood one ROY : Thank you, Mr . Benny, I'm sure we'll onjoy the show . . . Goodbye . JACK : Wait a minute, Roy,, . .before you go, I want to give you some money, too .~~. ROY : Oh, that's not necessary . . i!- ,,.?~ w; .~1. . hc~ JACK: °-Never-mind . . .but I'll toll you what . . .I'11 play a little 2 game with youj . .JUSt a minuto ...... thera ...... Now I've got some money in my fist, and if you can guess how much it is, it's yours . . .I'11 give you three guesses . ROY: Okay . . .A dollar? JACK : No . ROY : . . .TUo dollars? JACK : No . RC . . .Let me see . . .couid it be throe or -- ROCH : ROY, YOU'RE GOING IN 79Z WRONG DIRECTION . JACK : He is not . . .I've got e.five doller bi11 . . .Hore it is, Roy . ROY : Well, thank you, Mr . Benny, thank you . JACK : You're welcome . ROY : Goodbye . . .See you next week, Rochester . ROCH : GOODHYL, ROY . (SOUND : DOOR OPtNS & CIDSF:S) ROCH : MR . BFSINY, 614Y I SAY SMMR'NG PIIiSONAL TO YOU? JACK: Wnat is it, Rochester? ROCH : WELL . . .I'M CONVINCI:D MW YOU'RL' GL7TIIQG MCRL, GIN:.ROUS ALL 74M TIMG . . . . . JACK : Really? B4 arss 01 0184288 ~~ -10- . ROCH: YTA: .•I'LL'NDVM bURGET '1fIG FIRST TIME YOU PIAYL9 TH4T GAME WITH MG . . .I NZVIIt GULSSID HOMf MUCH *9= YOU HAD IN YOUR FIST . JACIt: Let's see . . What did I have? ROCH: THRE6 FRANCS, FOUR YI3i AND A PPSO . L9 JACK: Oh yes•••I did a lot of trave11n5 that year^ . .Rochestar, I forgot to ask you . iaere there any phone calls for me? ROCH: NO, BUT NHILU YOU 4fIIi5 AFSIA1~3B1&, A POISCI391N FR0t8 THE BEVLRLY HILLS THAIFFSC DIVISION CAFIC TO S .C,u YOU . . .HB'LL BE BACK 7ATGR, HC 6lANTS TO SIS YOU PIIiSONALLY . JACK : Oh, my goodness . . .lihat did he vant? t~ - ROCH : WLLL, THG CITY WANTS TO PUT PARKING f4i.'47SiS IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE :~~Well, vhy does. JACK he have to see me personally? ROCH : 'TNEY WWNT Y,'OU TO TAKG YORS DObIN FIRST . JACK: . .]8~. . Row do you like that . . .A rich city like Beverly W disturbcd . RTx01 0184289 -11- r ROCH: OH, ARD YOU GOING TO TAKC A NAP? JACK: No, I'm $oin6 into the den and practice my violin . beu nss-..C ROCH : (HURT)? YOU PROMISDD ME YOU WOUITN 'T DJ THAT 44hL MY D4Y OF: OFF . JACK : I know, but this is an omerCOncy^ . .Bob Crosby wants me to play it on his television program and -- (SOUND : PHONE RINGS) ROCH : WANT ME'lU TELL TH0V0U'RE NOT IN? SACK : No, f'11 get this one . (SOUND : PHONE RINGS . .RECI:NNIS2 UP) JACK: Hello . DON : (IN A VDRy HOARS.E WHISPLR--TAIKS TiQ~fS/4lAY ALL THROUGH ROUTINE) Hello, J ck . .this is Don :OiL . - ( JACK:/~ ' Ob , ma}}e , Don , wk+~6ae~ LONV~Jack, I'd like you to hear the connsercisl for next Sunday's show . JACK : A 11-righL, Don, 8ut you sound so peculiar, what's wrong? DON : I exhaled and let out all my breath . JACK : ~ Why did you let out all your breath? DDN : I had to, I'm ca111n6 from a phone booth . qax JACK : ~NSxbait a. minute, Don . .you^can fit into a phone booth . DON : I know, but the Sportsmon Quartot,¢s in here with mo . JACK: Oh . .}tell, Don, look -- LYW :r_?- I can't hold it much lonHer . .Hit it, follows . RA AT?{01 0184290 (INTRO) QUART : OH IADY, OH, HOli SHG CAN MUCGid', SEN;'S AS SIi~~'T AS CAN BE AND WHISI WE'RE IN THE PARIAR OH, THE WAY ME WHISPIIiS PRi31TY NOTfIINGS TO ME ALL I CAN DO IS HOLLI3i OH, IT ISN'T WHAT SHG DOI:S BUT OH, THC CLL''7Ef? WAY 5NE DODS IT . SPPsCIALLY WfDTI SEE' ME[sTS DE, NPATH THH MOON ABOVE SfEEP COOKIB . . OH, W1WT'Id. I DO 25IR WAY S'EE SIIVDS MP WITH Hi7i 00 GL"P 1331 liYi.S AND PUTS ME IN A FLURRY CN, DOODi& L00 OY, THE WAY I F0.LL PUR ALL HCR BPAUTIPRH .ISDS BELIEVk ME, I SHOULD UORRY . OH, THE WAY ME i~n"GDS ME TAFP5[ OH, I THINK SME'Id. DRIVE [C IYkFFY OH, OHH, OH, OH, HOW MY SUPII7 SfIVTIF43QTAL 'aONDPRYUL SHGGPIE CAN UJVB . . . OH, L4DY, OH, DOODLE 100 DO THE WAY ME- HOLDS A UJCSY STRIKE IN H132 HAND IT NAKDS ME ~'••RY HAPPY OH, LUODLD ID0 DO, FOR .~liTY DOWN SMOI@]G PLPASURB LUChZES AR.^~, GRAND, JUST ASK YOUR DTAR OLD PAPPY . (ASORD) RT7i01 0184291 QUART : GH, SUCH FIND AND ISGHT 1SU&1CC0 (CONT'D) . CH, THERN'S T4fISITY IN A PACK, SO IADY, WH[d7 I S= YOU LIGHT A LUCKY I IINGU TCGL"PHEE 4!P'LL BE SAYING GH, A L]7CKY HAS A BVP1IIi, TASTD IT IS TRUL I ISKG TO SING ABGUTT iIId . . . . GR, A CI&'ANIIi PR8SHP62 WKE AND MOOTHI'R ItlR YOU I'LL NEVGR BE WI79IGUT 'Isb1 GH, THE ONLY SMGP.t': FGR MD IS CH, AN LFtgT AND GH, OH, GH, GH, I'M SG WILD ABGUT A UJCKY ALL I CAN 84Y IS JUST, GH ALL I CAN SAY IS JUST, GH . (APPLAUSE) td RrS{01 0194292 r (THIRD RWTINE) DON: (STILL SPFAKING HOARSELY) How did you like it, Jack? JACK:) Fine, Don, fine; . . . Now for heaven's sakes, take a breath . DON:d~ Thank goalness . . .(HE TAKES A DEEP EXAGERATED BREATH) (SW[m: LWD SPLINTERING OF WOOD) DON : (NORMAL VOICEY, Darn it, I should have stepped out of the booth first . JACK ; Yeah, yeah. . .Goodbye, Don : Goodbye. . DON j (SWND : RECIsTVER DOWN) JACK: Rochester, get me ap violin~ ROCH : WELL. . . . ER. . .ALL RIGHL' . HERE YW ARE. JACK: Thank you . (SWND : PLINKING OF VIOLIN STRINGS) JACK : Hmm, it - s out of tune . . . This string needs tightening . (SWND : PUJNKING ON LOOSE STRING . . .THEN CWPLE OF S@pEAIL4 OF PSG TURNING . . . THEN MORE PLUNKING ON STILL IAC6E STRING .) JACK: 9ee; YC~'ede more tightening. (SWIm : SQUEAKING OP PEG BEING TURNED . . . THEN BOING OF STRING HREAKING) ~.~" JACK: Oh, darn it, I broke it . . .and I~u7~n°Nden+k-drve~ another string in the house . ROCH: (HAPPY) WELL, I GOESS YW .WON"~ BE ABLE TO PRACTICE TODAY . T+LK : ,~+~. ;...c•c ..~,~ Jyp., ~ tuu ^n.tA..E ~ ,~..e JACK: .~ PW* got to Rochester. . .I~m going down to the music store i~stwv and geteaa. N6w get the oar out and drive me down. p7)S01 0184293 -ls ROCH : BO ROCH: EVERYTHING . . . THAT CAR'S IN TERRIBLE SHAPE, . .YW CUGHT TO GEP A NEW ONE. JACK : Oh stop . . .my car is fine . ROCH : B OS S, IAOK, .,LEf'S BE HONF5T., .ALL OTHER CARS BELONG TO THE AUTO CLUB„ THIS ONE BELONGS TO THE BIDE CR~Sf~w~ ~Gw ~ ~ ~/~ JACK : -FS-d ces- crotO. .Anywey, it's such a nice day,~ I'll walk. (SOUND : CWPLE F00'IBTER3 ., .DOOR OPENS) JACK: I'll be back soon . ROCH: YES, SIR . (SOCPII7 : DOOR CLCSE3 .,,FOOT'TEP3 WAIKING DOdM FOIJR , STEP3,, .TH6N ON CIMENI . .,FADE TO B.G. AND SUSTAIN) JACK :~ Gee, it's so clear and sunny,-tret it was sure wirdy the other day ,, . In fact, I never saw it so windy . . . -- the first tine that the .swallows ard Cauietranoo flew South . . . -J e<- (HGMS A ISTTIE OF LOVE IN BLOOM) . . . . 8plahir, there's that pretty French nursemaid who works for the people on the corner, ., . She's wheeling their baby . . . I'11 catch up to her . (SCOPID : SEVERAL VERY FAST FOGPSTEPS) JACK : (VERY SWE6TLY) Hello, Miss . VECLA : Oh . . .Bonjour, Monsieur Benna,p, N,u (SWPID : FOOPSTER3 STOP) JACK : It's certainly a nice day . VEOIA : Oui, Monsieur. . . .eet ees . MEL: (GBRGLPS LIKE A BABY) MG RTYS01 0184294 -I6- JACK: Oh, what a cuta^ little baby . MEL: (GURGLFS AS THCUGH AE-S PLWSRD) JACK: Ahhh, kitchy, kitctw koo . MEL : ((AIRGLF5 AND IAUGH3 HhPPILY) JACK: Ahh, kootchie kootchie kee . MEL : (GURGLE9 SQ'lE MORE) ., . dt7-f ,Y. cuta-teb~ 3ACK• S1enR ~FSOhAa_~n-Ft•enchrthat~a2ID~-"gocd•" y~"' ~ JACK: Fjjt. You know, Madamoiselle . . .you're the'4nost`beautiful nursemaid I-ve ever seen . VKOL4 : Monsieur, you are so kind . JACK: And you- re not only beautiful, you're probably very talented, too . VEOL4 : Monsieur, you are so sweet . JACK: You know • . . I can probably get you in the movies, VECLA : Monsieur, you are so corny . JACK: What? VEOLA : You see, I have been warned about zee American men promising girls Z6Y jobs in peecturea . MEL : (GORGLES AND CQ OS ) JACK: But,4-m pretty important in this town Jpd I can do it .•• , 'MG Rr 901 01 e 4 2 95 -17- VEOLA : I know, Monsieur . . .the very first time I saw you, I re cognized you . . . You see, befo re I came to zia country years ago, I saw one of your movies in Par j~, JACK : Oh, what picturey was it? VEOLA : Zee Horn Blows at Meednight, MEL: (CRINS LIltE R6LL ) JACK : What's he crying for, he never saw St . . .Now be a good baby . eqto-znp-veSk3n~ . -JAEK: 0h,wa13.-rwMY-fl . . ofIlY CakiO9 a walic-tu-tha :u`nta . The-011sle_at.ote?- . ♦ yAOK`yn a,-I h _. „ oae-and- aan*t piay_tog-.-~r... ~:--(i3$FNG~TAOK~E--IMPOtFAY`I9N3j B4ea~ b19n . dACK: Huh~_..,siee.,~.t-eeenda-ao-n2ee-rtnnyee-eay-it . VEOIA : Pteral-beeueougT,Axd-Monsieur, I-ee~motsa._k weeth you . . . I theenk it is time to take baby home . JACK : Oh . . . well goodbye . . . Goodbye, baby . MEL: (GURGLES A GOODBYE ) (SWtm : nOtlPSTEFS . . . SUSTAIN IN B .G. ) ` 0 MG Rrxo1 0184296 ~ JACK : (FIDMS A LITTLE h6YE-IN -BiJJm'i) . . . Gosh, she's beautiful . . . . . And the baby was such a cute one, too , ., but it's amazing how much he looks like a1y parrot . . . (H1DS A LITTLE) ,,,,, Gee, while I'm at the music atore, I ought to get some new records for my phonograph . . . The gang 9hat-xas-at my party last night had a hard time dancing to "Cohen On The Telephone ." (HUMS "I~IN-BL9BM")4e9sy~, I hope it doean't take too long in that music atore . I have to go home and got dressed for my television show tonight . (TRAI4SITION MUSIC) ~~ SQ1ND : DOOR OPFd'14 . . . TIfIIffE OF~L.e. .D00R CLBFS) ' JACK : 3sf, this is a classy looking store . .e got everything . . . all kinds of musical instruments . . .radios . . . ~7z . television sets . . .FAy, I wonder what I'd be today if radio and television weren't Invented . .,After all, I owe my success to W radio and T.V. shows . . .That's why I'll always be grateful to Edison ,, . No, wait a minute . . .Fdison didn't have anything to do with radio . . .that was Marconi . . .Pldison invented the movies . . .Him I owe nothing . . . . I wish someone would wait on me . . . I wonder if that man is a salesman, . .~k I' 11 ask him (SOIINID: CQiPLE FOOTSTEPB) . JACK ; Excuse me, MEL: (MOOLEY) Yes sir . . .can I help you? JACK : Yes, I want to buy a string for my violin . MEL:"ry You get thos~n the muaical instrument department . I'm in ~ charge of the' recxd department . MG 0 arx 1 0184297 1 -19- -a+w : Oh good . . .that's one JACK 'I of the things I'm here for, too. . .same n ew records . MII.: iisi`3-, then you're in luck . . .we just got eome very excellent ones . .Let's see . ~7 ~ (SWND : SH7FFiING OF FECORL6) MIIr. -A# hera's the record I'm looking for . . .It's the Boston Philharmonic Symphony Orchestra's rendition of "La Toldelana De Pontrero ." . .n 9K1rn a„e titt -yn-Eagll 1' M€b:---- 1 `Hey-13 m'-Maid . JACK:,/ u3{By-Bar-Me.id"? . . . No, I don't think I'd like that, MEL :~~ I can show you how it goes . JACK:/ Look, there's no sense playing it on a phonograph beeamo--- MEL: You don't need to hear it on a phonograph . . .I'll show you myself . . . I do a wonderful imitation of an electric organ . JACK: An electric organ? MEL : Yeah, listen..(Hg DOE9 EIIS IMITATION OF 8LSCTRIC ORGAN) ,Cs~ LUk e G ~.y.,~ . . . G..h~ JACK: Wait a minutej . .wait a minute. .3+m-esi+xq~-F4letsn,,,3ut that -44+-c` i didn't sound much like an electric organ to me . MEL : Well, I wasn't plugged in . JACK: -16mm;.,Look, can I get someone else to wait on me? MEL : What's the matter . . .don't you like me? JACK : It's not,that . . . but . . . well ., .franklyf i-dpnrt-tTtnk-a -...m.-.aka-yDu 4nnv° rn nh =bZ ..r ** =ic MEL: `-Appearances are deceiving, Miater. . .Ohr S-knoia ldon't sound ncuch like`an-artJ.st, but_I-stfrbled the piano all my life . . . \ I even made my-debut at C 1 ea a concert pianist . You,ahould hear what the newspaper critics a ma . MG R rx 0 1 019429 0 -20- r .fSrv~, What did they say? MEL__: ~`ThaL I~peectlonist he piano . . .that I had the technique of Pad ths precision of Rubinstein . . .and the ton Iturbi . JACK: n how come you didn't become a great t? N e I didn't have teeth like Liberace . JACK : Look, I've changed my mircl . ,I don't want any records . . .all I want Is a string for my violin . Well, I told you. . .it's in that department. DfECr over there . . .The salesman will help you. JACKThank you . ' (SWND : FOOTSTEPd . . .SUSTAIN IN B .G .) JACK: I don't know what's wrong with me today, but everybody looks like my pasmot . . . Oh, this man here nust be the salesman . . . Oh Mister. . .Mister . . . NEI.SON: YEnlS,SSSSSSS~ JACK : 3~~. .Look, I came over here to buy a C-String . NEISON : Violin, cello, or are you a burlesque dancer? JACK: It's for my violin . . .don't you recognize me? N6L40N : Let's see . . .Are you Jascba Neifitz? JACK: No. NEL40N : Mischa Elman? JACK: No . NELSON : Why Evelyn, how you've changed ; JACK: Look, I'm not Evelyn . . .i'm Jack Benny . NElSON : Jack Benny, the radio and television comedian? JACK: Yes . ATXO1 0184299 NEISON : Well, what a coincidence .,,My ex-wife thinks you're so funny. JACK : Your ex-wife thinks I'm fluruty? NELSON : Yes, that was the grounds for the divorce . JACKi Nmmm . NELSON : The judge even awarded me the custody of the children . JACK: Look, I didn't come here to discuss your private life . . . all I want is a string for my violin . NEISON: A11 right, all right -- Nere . That'll be two dollars and a haif . JACK: ~,~Charge it . -" NEISON : Do you have a charge account here? JACK: Yes . . . just look under Jack Benny, you'll find it. NELSON : Let's see,, . (SOJPID : SFIIFFLING OF PAFFSiS) NELSON : Yes . . .here it is . . . Jack Henny, 3 66 N. Cavden Drive . . . Sayyyyyy, you owe us eighty-nine cents . - JACK: What for? NELSON : "Cohen On The Telephone ." JACK: Never mind, just charge this string to me . NEISON: Look, why do I have to go through all the trouble of writing up a charge for such a little amount,, .why don't you pay cash? JACK: Because I want to charge it . ., now write it up . NELSON : I'm not going to. JACK: Now wait a minute .,,why is it &hv~_ I get along with everybody else, but the minute I meet you, there's trouble? MG pr 9 o 1 o 1 e 43 oo j,+ r NELSON : Because I don - t like You . JACK: Well, I don ' t like you either . . . Now wrap that string . N6I30N : Tt - 11 be a pleasure . JACK : That's better . NELSON : Ism~going to wrap it around your neck . JACK: That settles it, I'm getting out of here ' . . And if zI~i~,,, ever meet you again -- (rLAYOFF tNJSIC STARTS4 Ym- / ~~ warning you that there will be so much trouble -- (MUSIC LOUDIIt) that you won't forget it a_s~ long as you Live .7~ (PL4YOFF UP PULL AND APPLAUSB) MG HTtl01 0184301 NATIONAL JACK : I will be back in a minute to tell you about my television show which goes on i®sediately after this program on the CBS Television network with my guest star, Humphrey Bogart, but first, a word to oigarette smokers . . . PACIFIC COAST JACK : I will be back in Just a minute to tell you about my television show that goes on tonight at 7 30 over the CBS Television network with my guest star, Bumphrey Bogart, but first, a word to cigarette smokers . . . 4 1" MG Rrx 0 1 01 8 4302 THE JACK HENNY PROGRAM - AMEHICAN TOBACCO CO . OCTOBER 25. 1953 (Transcribed October 21, 1953) -CLNING COMMERCIAL COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother COLLINS : Iuckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother For lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother Lucky Strike Incky Strike WILSON : Friends, have you smoked a fresh cigarette lately? You have, if you - ve smoked a Licky ,,, because the American Tobacco Company, the makers of Lucky Strike know how vitally important freshness is to the taste of a cigarette . T That s why every day in the manufacturing plants where Lackies are made hundreds of packs of Luokies are carefully tested for the tightneas of their cellophane seal . . . so you ' ll get Luckies t better taste in all its natural freshness . Yes, smoking en j oyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is lackies taste better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . There are two things that account for this better taste . Firet -- fine tobacco -- fine, naturally mild, good-taeting tobacco goes into Lucky Strike . Then, Luckies are made better -- made rourd, firm, fully-packed to draw freely and smoke evenly . So for a better-tasting, fresher-tasting cigarette, light up a Lucky, JF (MORE) RTS{01 0164303 /. THE JACK BENNY PRCGRAM CL OS ING COh41ERCIAL - PAGE 2 WILSON : You'll agree smoking enJoyment is all a matter of taste . (CaNl I D) And the fact of the matter is Uackiea taste better . Be happy -- go Lucky -- with a carton of Lucky Strike . SPCBTSMPsN (Long Close) ' @UARTET: Be happy -- go Lucky Get better teate todayl JF RT}!01 0184304 -24- (TAG - NATIONAL) JACK: Yr~ Ladies and gentlemen, in just thirty seconds I will f be doing my television show over the CBS Television Network and I will have as my guest etar . . . . (SOUND : TWO GUN S}AT3) . . . .Humphrey Bogart, so goodnight, folks . See you in thirty seconds . (APPIAUSE AND MUSIC) (TAG - PACIFIC COAST) JACK : Ladies and gentlemen, tonight at seven PM I will be doing my television show over the CBS Television Network and I will have as my guest star -- (SOUND : TWO GUN SHG'Pa) . . .Humphrey Bogart, so gocdnight, folks . See you at seven tonight . (APPLADSE AND ML6IC) arx 01 01 e 4305 l_l -25- r. DON: The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by N.ilt Josefsberg, John Takaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon and produced end transcribed by Hilliard Marks . Be sure to hear The Amerioen Way with Horace Heidt for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station . Consult your newepeper for the time . The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Compsny . . . America'e leading manufacturer of cigarettes . arxo I 01 e 4306 " f71'r ;C)7 C?'18 . 9 ;;n PROauM #S REVISED SCRIPT ANMERICAIP TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY S'1RIKE THE JACK BENNY PRO(&iAM SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 1953 CBS 4 :00-4 :30 PM PST (mRANSCRIBEO OCT . 28, 1953) Bx R71{01 0184308 THE JACK BENNY PROQIAM -A- AMERICAN TOBACCO 00 . NOVEb12ER 1, 1953 (Transcribed October 28, 1953) OPENING C061MPRCIAL WILSON : THE JACK BENNY PRSGBAM . . . transcribed and presented by LUCKY STRIKE : COLLINS : Lucktes taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smootherl COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! For Lucky Strike meens fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better : CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! Lucky Strikel Lucky Btrike : WILSON : This is 71on Wilson . Friends, you may remember that last year a survey was made in leading colleges froc ccast to coast . This was a survey of smokers, and it sbowed that Luckies were the favorite cigarette in those coileges . Yes, Luckies were Number One . This year another nation- wide survey was made -- a representative survey of all students in regular colleges coast to coast . Sa.sed on thousands of actual student interviews -- this survey showE that Luckies lead again -- lead over all other brands, regular or king-size -- and by a wide margin . -^_hese students were asked y~hX they smoked Luckies . Th.e aumber One reason given -- this year, ,just as last -- was Luckies' better taste . ~ ~ (MORE) BH ATtS01 0184309 THE JACK BENNY PAO(22kM -B- OPENING CO MMER CIAL - PAGE 2 WILSON : After all, smoking eqjoyment .is all a matter of taste -- (CONT'R) and the fact of the matter is . . . Lvokies taste better . They taste better because they're made o£ £ine, naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco -- and because they're made better . That's why we're asking you to Be Happy -- Go Lucky. Get yourself a carton of Luckiss the first chance you have . SPOATSMEN UARTET : Be Happy -- Go Lucky LONG CLOSE) Get Better Taste Tcday! BIi flTH01 0184310 (FIRST ROUTINE) -1- (AFTER COMMEF C 7AL, Ml6IC UP AND DOWN) LOY : THE LUCKY STRIISE PWOGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY. . .WITH M4RY LIVINGS'1tlNE, ROCHFSTER,-DENNIS IIAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOITiiS TRULY" DJN WIL50N . .MISIC UP AND DJWN). (A?PLPUSE LOD : (SOFTLY) AND NOW, IADIE9 AND GENTLF1dEN, LET'S GO OUT TO JACK BENNY'S HOUSE IN BEYERI,Y HILiSx THE REASON I'M KEEPING MY VOICE NWN IS BECALBE IT'S FOUR 0'CLOCK IN THE MORNING . . . AND I DON'T WANT TO DISTUIB OUR LITTLE STAR, WHO AT THE MOMENT IB SOUND ASLEEP . iACK : (SNORE. .HHISTLE . . .SNORP5 . . .SNOREI . . .3NORE5 .) (SOUND: PHONE RINGING OFF) JACK : (SNOR&S . .WHISTLE . .SNORE . . .WHISTLE OPPOSITE WAY) (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) CACK : (MUMBLE3 . .SNOPE . .SNORE) (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) J.CK : (SNORE9 . .SREAffiNG IT A LITTLE iN7RING IT) (SOUND : PHONE FINGS) JMK : (HALF A SNORE . .AND WAKES UP) . . .Huh? . .Huh? . .Whet was that, what M95 that? (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) JA:K : The phone . .that's the phone . .,Who ia-sha-xer2d would be calling me in the middle of the night? (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) JeCK : -bC .fiGst be an emergency : . . .It's four o'clock in the morning . (SOUND : PHONE RINGS) :ACK : Maybe somebody's sick . .Dennis . .or Mery . .or . . . (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) 3U ATM01 0184311 -2- JACK : I better anewer it . Where are my slippers? . .Oh, there they are . (SOUND: PHONE RINGS) JACK : Coming . .coming . . : (SOUND: HURRIED FOOTSTEPS . .PFWNE RINGS) JACK ; -geeH, I hope they don't hang up . (SCLIVD : FEW MORE HURRIED FOOTSTEPS . .DJOR OPENS . . PHONE RINGS ON hIIKE. .T}pRE E AURRIED FOOTSTEPS . . .REOEIVER UP) JACK : Hello? HEFlB : This is Hank, the all night disk jockey . If you tied spaghetti end to end, how many pounds would it take to go aroucd the world? JACK : idhat ; HERB : If you answer the question correctly, you'll win two glorious weeks at Pismo Beach . JACK : Now, wait a m inute . .it's four o'clock Sn the morning : HEHB : That answer is incorrect . Goodbye . (SOUND: INNER CLICK OF P}WNE) JACK : How do you like that, he hung up on me . Well, he's not going to get away with that . (SOUND : JIGG?,E OF PHONE) JACK : Operator - Operator -- BE'A : Number, please-- JACK : Operator, would you please get me Hank the disc ,{ockey? BEA : At four o'clock in the morning? . .Are you crazy? JACK : What? RU RT 90 1 0 18 4 312 -3- BEA : If I were you, buddy, I'd crawl out of that phone booth, get a cup of black coffee, and go home . JACK : Go home! BEA : If you don't, you'll hate yourself in the morning . JACK : Oh yeah? . .Well, you're just a smart a1ec . Let me talk to the head telephone operator . BE9 : I'm sorry, but the head telephone operator is busy . JACK : Then let me talk to the supervisor . BEA : The supervisor isn't in, would you like to talk to Alexander Graham Bell? JACK : Look, I only want ie-6a}.k-#o--oh, never mind . (SOUND: RECENER DOWN) JACK : -kkaa,, .Gosh, I'm so mad, now I'll never get back to sleep . Imegine being awakened by a silly disc jockey at four o'clouk in the morning, -j;Ls$oxmy I enswered it . ~'~anou1d have let it ring and ring andAY .Wait a minute . .why didn't Rochester answer the phone? .,,He couldn't have been that sound asleep . . . I'm gonna find out, (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. .DOOR OPENS) JACK: Rochester, why didn't you answer 28r--Hmm, .He's not here . . . His bed hasn't been slept in,,,-gm „twenty-five after four and be's not home yet . Well, I'm going back to bed „aeA in the morning I'm going to tell him a thing or-- (SOUND: KEY IN DOOR . .DODR OPIIiS AND CLOSFB, OFF) RU RTYf01 0184313 JALR : Oh-oh, there's .the front door . Just as I thought . .it's Rochester . Look at him sneaking into the house . . .Hmm . .he's taking off his shoes . Now he's tip-toeing across the living room. Well, I'd like to see him get out of tbis . .(SING SONG) Oh, dochester -- ROCH : (SING SONG) 1'F5, BOSS -- JACK : (SING SONG) What are you doing up on your toes? ROCH: (SING SONG) I'M DANCING THE MINUEP : JACK : Ylhat ; ROCH: (SINGS) TU~MTUM, DERDLE-E-IAdTUM, DEEDIE-E-YUM TUM, ' r~/LnOw Y~[ JJV.4r~ . . 7ACK : I know the musio~ - Rocbester, what's the idea of coming in at four o'clock in the morning? 20CH : COMING IN? fACK : 3es•y I sew you open the front door and come in . iOCH: OH1 :OH, THAT : . ~-z...,,.. JAL%: P,ochester, if you just stepped out to bring Sn-tfie milk, how / e you're not in your pajamas? i ~M CH : WELL, ;WPE NN I WOKE UP AND THOUG / ABOUT ALL THE WORK I HAD TO D7 TCa1 t GOT pRE55ED . YOU SEE, I HAVE TO CL29AN OUT TEE ME BASE NT, lAKE TFiB.B _HHS OUT OF THE FIREPIACE, W.1SH THE WIND7WS, eCnLB THE BLOOR, WEEb `~ GARDEN, AND GIlFi1SE i THE CA~; JACK : You know, Rochester, you'd certainly stump the pn What's My Line . IU RT}l01 0184314 ~ RaC}i:~ wHY? -~- _~ JACK : YoA'Y•e he only man I know who ean out the basement, take the ashes _ut.oP"the fireplace, wash the windows, serub the flnor; weed the gaxden ease~ the~ car wearing a ~tu~xedo . . . . Rocheater, I happen to know--- ths6-YAZu _just came home . ROCH : YlEL.L. . .L4ST NIGHT THE CLUB I BELONG TO HAD A SOCIAL GATHERING AND THE PRESIIIDVT HAD INTENTIONS OF BRFAKING IT UP AT TEN O'CLOCK . - ~ JACK :.<' Ten o'clock?If that was his intention, what happened? ROCH : AT NINE-THIRTY WE ELECTED A NBS7 PRF5IDE'NT . JACK : I thought so .~-JI'm going bsck to bed . .I'11 talk to you about this in the morning . Now go to yotsroom . ROCH: YES SIR . .GOODNIGHT . JACK : Goodnight, gocdnight . (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS . .DGOR OPENS & CLOSF3 . .BED SP3I :VG) JACK : disc jockey . .There ought to be a law against doing a thing like that . . .Hmm . .Now that I've been up a little while I don't feel sleepy. §s=s,IDatter of fact, I feel good ., . .,1T 1Jt of _ peopie get up early in the morning . .some of them even take long walks before breakfast . .they say it keeps them :ealthy . . Maybe that's what I need . .more exercise . i noticed lately that when I tell people I'm thirty-nine, some of them don't believe it . That's what I'm going to do . .I'm going cc get dressed and take a nice long walk . I think I'll cal'. Mary and ask her if she'd like to go with me . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .RNCEiVER UP . .DIAL .'tE1NE . .PHDNE RINGING AT OTHER END . . .BURRR . . .BURRR . . .BURRR . . BURRR. . .BURi2R. . .BURRR . . .CLICK OF RECELVER AT OTHER END) . Arx 0 1 0 1 e 4315 -6- MARY: (MUTTERING SLEEPILY) Hellooo --- JACK : (BRIGHP) Hello, Mary? MARY: (STILL MUTTERING) Who is this? JACK : (BUBBLING) Mary, this is Jack. MARY : Jack? .,Jack, what's the matte3*1 JACK : Nothing, Mary, I just oalled to ask you if you'd like to go for e walk with me . MARY: Walk? . . .Jack, what time is it? JACK : Twenty minutes to five . MAFY : Twenty minutes „ to five? JACK : Yes, Mary . I figured if ve'nalked down Wilshire Boulevard and headed east, we can see the sunrise eaer-the-- MARY: Jeck -- JACK : Whet is it, blary? MARY: Let me talk to the man, JACK : What man? MARY: The men in the white coat, there must be one of them with you . JACK : Mary, I'm not crazy . MARY: Well, you must 'oe something„calling me up to go for a walk at five o'clock in the morning, BEA : I told him to get a cup of black coffee and go home, JACK: Operator, get off the line . This is none of your business . Now, Mary, if you'11 get dressed, I'll be right over-an& -- (SOUND : IAUD CLICK OF REOEIVER SIAtR.ff D DCWN AT OTHIIi hT'D) JACK : Hmr .,how do you like that, .she hung up . Oh, well . (SOUND: RECEIVEft DOWN) RU RT 80 1 018 4 816 -7- JACK : I don't care what Mary thinks . I made up my mind to go out for a walk . .and that's what I'm going to do . I TRANSITION MU9IC) (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS ON C EMENT) -ACK: Gosh, I've never 'oeen out so early in the morning . The sun hasn't come up yet . .anC the air is so nice and brisk . (SOLND: BROOM SWEEPING) :4CK: Hnn, . .here comes the street cleaner . Good morning, Mister ; tEL : Good morning, Mac . ;3CK: I can see now why the streets of Beverly Rills are so clean . GL: Thanks, Mac, but that's what I get paid for ; i pick up papers, leaves, rubbish ; ;enything I find lying in the street, I pick up and put in this barrel, then I take it over to the city dump and -- (SOUND: RUSTLE OF PAPER) T"cL:,i'-~r, Wait a minute, Mc, you can't take nothin' out of that barrel . ,1CK : But be's a friend of mine . RemleyS ; . ; RemleyS'dake upt Lz : ~-~ You really know him? ;aCK : Certainly, that's Frank Remley . He leads the orchestra at the Cinegrill . EL: That's where I found him layin' in front of ; ACK : Well, did you have a lot of trouble getting him into the barrel? MEL : Oh, I didn't put him in the barrel . You see, we street cleaners all go by numbers . JACK : Uh huh. "IEL : The number on my barrel is 102, and when he saw that, he dived right in . RU FliYl01 0 18 4 317 JACK : Oh yes, that's his favorite beer . .,That and 101 others . . . Anyway, it serves him right . Take him to the city dump. MEL : I did that yesterday and they refused him . JACK: Well, try, again . MEL : Okay . So long, Mec . JACK: So long, so long, (SOUND: btlOTSTEPS) JACK : Gosh, since~ley's become a oelebrity, things are really different . . Now they pick him up, they used to sweep around him . . . . I can't understand why Mary didn't want to take a wslk with mej~ at £ive-thirty in the morning-you see things so differently . After the sun comes up, I'Z~w~elkback homi 0 and eat a nice big breakfast . (TFi4NSITION `M IC) (S0L'ND : FOOTSTEPS) JACK : Gosh,,,I just can't get over it . . .Me . .,Jack Benny, walking the streets at this hour of the morning . Things sure look different . . .arsl quiet, too . Just a few people here a[w there on their way to work . I'11 bet this fellow walking behind me would be surprised to find out that he was walking on the same side of the street with a star of stage, screen, radio and television . Rt1BIN: I beg your paMon, but may I have your autograph? JACK: Oh . . .Oh, you recognize me? RUBIN : No, I heard you talking to yourself . 3HIE: --What? - ?tF19I#:--You said_it_f'_ve ti-mee i++-the-}est-three_b3ooka; RiYS01 01 8 431 8 -9- JACK : Gosh, this is embarrassing . You must've thought I was egotistical. RUBIN : I thought you were nuts . JACK : Look,1 Miyter, do you or don't you want my---- y : RUBIN : ~_ ~ Sorry, hsB, I gotta catch ~my bue .' 7^.-. (SOUND: RUNNIfIG HttlCTSTEPS . . .FADB) JACK: -Ihmr, what a smart aleck . I hope he misses 3xke-bus . ` .---~ (SOUND: FoGTSTEPS) JACK : (SINGS) A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, But diamonds are a girl's best friend ...... Hmo, look at that tin can on the sidewalk ..-c--L- (SOUND: KICKING CAN . . .CAN GOES . . .F(1GTSTEPS) JACK ; (SINGS) A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rental . . . (SOUND: KICK CAN . . .CAN GOE'S . . .FGOTSTEPS) JACK : (SINGS) On your humble flat - or help you at the automat . (SOUND : KICKS CAN . . .CAN GOE4 . . .FGOTSTEPS) JACK : Cops . . .it went out in the street . . .Gee, I remember when I wes a kid, I used to kick a rock all the way to school . : . They didn't have tin cans in those days . . . . (SOJND: FOOTSTEPS) JACK: Hmm . . .look wYaet they're showing at this theatre . . .From Here To Eternity . . .Gee, at five-thirty in the morning a theatre looks so empty . . .There isn't even a girl in the box office selling tlckets . . .I've never seen a theatre so empty . . . . Yes, I have, but I don't want to think about it . . . .I better start back home now . (SGUND: FOOTSTEPS) RT 8 01 0184319 -10- JACK: This walk has really worked up an appetite . (BOUND: AUTO FIOTOR COf4S UP . . .BRNQS . . .AUTO FDRNB) % BOB : JACK -- JACK JACK: Bob : BOB : Jeck, the sun hasn't come up yet, wha t are you doing out on the street? JACK : I'm just taking a little walk . But, Bob, where are you, and Begby and Fletch and Kimick and Saamq the drummer driving to? BOB : Well, Jack, my boys in the band don't get much time for relaxation, so I'm taking 'em duck hunting . JACK : Oh, is that why you're wearing those red coats4 J BOB : JZ -*eatT;~that's a safety measure so ther hunters aao see you . Jf.JK: Hey, that's quite,d -- wait a minute -- only four of you ars wearing red coats . 30B : -~•-' I know . Bagby doesn't have one . . J .1CK : Well, aren't you worried? BUP. : New, plano players are a dime a dozen . 'ACK : Of Begby's calibre, yes . Well, I do hope you bring back a lot of ducks, BOB :We can't miss . We'w got the most unusual deoo~', When we get out to the lake, 8emsy the drummer hea agreed to wade out into the water until just his bead sticks out . JACK: (IAOKS AT SAMMY) What kind of a decoy is that? 8amo$''s head doesn't have any feathers . BOB := Z// I know~.tpe,ducks will think It's an egg and they'll fly down andYs4'ijt~on it . RTYS01 0184320 /~=uq JACK: Oohh, I get it . While the duok is sitting on SasmQ's head, you'll all start shooting . " BOB : 1 Not so loud, Jack, he doesn't know about that part of it . JACK: Oh, good, good . BOB : Well, we better get started, Jack, it's a long drive to the High Sierras, JACK: High Sierras! . .,Bob, you're heading in the wrong direction . .i . . BOB :~sI know, but we've gotta go to the City Dump an8 pick up Remley . JACK: Oh, yes . . .yes.r.}[e35-wait-a-minute,-Beb=-in-the-conditi6n ~Aemley'_s_in,_what-good-w7,li-he-bebn-e-hun5#ng-6riP? •BBB;-We'3i-drape-hlm-oveatAe-Pender-e nd-evexgbodytld .-thlnk,we shet-e-de€f: JACK: 9h, Z-sea. . .We11, so long, Bob . BOB : So ]ong, Jack . (SOUND: CAR DRIVE9 OFF) . J.1CK: Hmmm., .day is starting to break . ve sl~txhet-you~an!Y.-see-aey-pleoe-else-in-rhe-worid, 1Cetesmizh~hou3.d-be-bere-to-sSng-abcut-lt ..-.(sIIi(5 )-wben -the-smog-comes-over-the-mouota.tn.«.de-da_da,_da_da ...da., da-da-ds . We11 . . .I think I've walked enough . I'm getting e little tired, too,, .I better head for home . (SOUND: bOOTBTSPS) (TRANSITION MCSIC) (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS) . A rx 01 01843 2 1 -12- JPCK: (BREATHING DEEPLY) We11 . .hex'eI am back home . . .that sure wbs a long va1k . . :afM-nev-that3lm-herr,-I'm-too-tirer.-t6 -aet-breekT,est, I think 1,11 go right in and go to bed . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS UP THRII's STEPS) JACK : Oh, darn it, I forgot my key .~ Gosh, my legs are so tired I can hardly stand up . j~ _. __ __~ (SOUND: (IX:O_R BULZEFi ..-. .DOOR BUZZER . . . . -BBOR -BSESBR .-DBGR-9P$i6r••BODf-THU&} -R06H: ~--80.S6-.-BOB9-WRk`t BkPPHi RD 4- dASiF:-P]oUhing-heppened ;-l-vas-so-tired3-wes-3een#ng-on-the daor. BBN: -...._..,-Sack,-lat-me-Erelp yeu-ep . JACK: Bon:'. . .Don, vhat are you doing here? DON : I brought the Sportsmen Quartet over so you could hear the cotmnercial . JACK : This early in the morning? DON : Early in the morning? . It's a quarter to ten, JACK: Oh, my goodness, I really took a long valk . ROCH: BOSS, WOULD YOU LIISE SOMg BRFAKFAST? . . .I JUST MADE SSME DOLL4R SIZE PANCAKES . JACK: No, I'm too tired to eat . Put 'em back in the safe . . .I mean refrigerator . DON: Jack, hov come you took such a long valk so early in the morning? JACK: Oh, some silly guy vho cells himself "Ftenk, the disc jockef' called me at four o'clock is-the morning . AT}f01 0184322 DON : No kidding, Jack . Did he ask you if you tied spaghetti end to end how many pou[ds it would take to go around the world? J1,,K : Yes, Don . How did you know? DON : I won ten dollars for sending in the question . JACK: You? . . . . You? -= DON : ~hJeck,~the Sportsmen are in a hurry . How about listening to the commercial? JACK: Don, I'm too tired, I can hardly keep my eyes open . DCN : Well, this won't take long . Hit it, fellows. RTSSO 1 0 184323 (INTRO) QUART : YOU BETTER WAKE UP, WAKE UP, YOU SLEEPY hI'AD GEP UF, (iET UP, GF.T OUT OF BED C HEER UP, SUN, IT'S TI?1E.THAT YOU WEFG RISING . WHEN THE RED RED ROBIN COME; BOB BOB BOBBIN ' A LO NG, ALONG TEERE'LL BE NO WHE 50BBIN' WHEN ?IE STARTS THI70BB.T_N' RIS OI1) SW'P., .4'P SONG WAKE UP, WAKE UP, YOU SLEE Y HFAD GET UP, G'.E P UP, GET OUT OF BED OHEER TiP, CI~3 UP, THE SUN IS RED LIVE, L7VE, LAUGri AND BE ri1PPY WAAT IF I'VE BE'EN BLUE NOW I'M WALKI NG TtRtOUGH FIELI;6 OF R7A'WEFS RAIN MAY GLISTEN BI `P STILL I LISTEN FOR HOU H11 AND HOU35 I'M JUBT A SID AGAIN DJIN' WHAT I DID AGAIN SINGING A SONG 4.*I M T.7 RED RED ROBIN COb4S BOB S0B BOBBIN' ALONG AND NOW HOW ABOUT A COMMERCLAL YOU 6TdAN -- WE GOTTA HAVE A OOM16RCIAL WE DIDN'^_ HAVE ONE AT =tEhF1+RSAL MAKES NO DIF5'~'EHEfiCE WE GOTTA HAVE IT NOW WSi,L NOW Ln'"P ME TfEiNK . . .LEP PIE SEE . . . (N'ORE) R7~KCl1 01 843 23 4 -15- 9UAF`iP : T= IS NO NO PiOTf I i' Ccon' c) LIKE PUFF PU'FF PUFFIN' A LUCKY (Tnat's good) STRIKE ('TFat's fine) IT'S THE SEST SbIOKE YE`P I'P'5 THE CIGRETTE YOU ARE SURE PO T~ISE LIGHT UP, LPlk'P UP AND YOU'LL AGREE Ii . I's R4SH MPP CLEANER, F@F313"c.R AN D MUCH BMDOTITuR, •P00 SO BE k(APPY GO LUCKY -,- F YOU TEAR ' ..,Y, 1iND THEN IF YOU COMPARE 'E'[d YOU'LL SAY R. ALLY RFALLY F4P.LLY rinALLY BELTER YOU'IS, BE S'L4R^_IN' IN 3IGHT GA BUY A CARTOPF TONIGh?' TETEY' AE OKAY = 'S iIGF:P A LUCKY STRISC, LUCKIS HAVE A. TASTE YOU'LL LALE LET'S LSGIE' ONE N04t CAUSE YOU PJYOW T.R ERE'S NOTHIN' QUITE LIKE PUFFIPJ' LET'S LIGIiT A LUI:ri_ RIG13+"' NOW . (APPLAUSE) ftF7SLl7 0 7 13 4 3 I`} (THIRD RWTII~) ~ -16- DON : Wel1,~Jack, how did you like the JACK: (SNORE) DON : Jack -- JACK: (SNORE) DON: How do you like that, he fell asleep and didn't even hear it . Come on, fellows, let-s go . (SOUND : DOOR OPEP6 AND CLOSFS. ) JACK : (SNOR6) ROCH : (FADING IN) MR . BENNY, SHALL I -- UM UMMM . . .IAOK AT HIM LYING THERE ON THE COUCH . .~.FAST ASLEEP. . .HMf . . .THERE'S NOTHING IN 49+$-ROCM TO C~HIh),WITH . . .AND I DON-T WANT HIM TO CATCH COLD . MAYBE I 6U6}pP-TO TAKG IT OFF HIS HEAD AND PUT IT ON HIS CHEST . NO, I'LL JUST GET A BIAHI .'ET CUT 0F THE -- ( (SOUND : DOOR BUZZh'R) ROCH : C OM ING . . . (SOUND : FOOPSTEP3 . . .DOOR OPENS) MARYV+I Good morning, Rochester . r ROCH: OH, GOOD MORNING, MISS LIVINGSTON, CONE ON IN . (SOUND : DOOR CLOSES) MARY : Rochester, did you know that at twenty minutes to five this morning Mr . Benny called ma end asked me to go out for a walk? ROCH: HE DID? WH) DOE9 HE THINK HE IS, BERNARR MACFADI&YI? '.AARY: He will be in about four moxe years .-- Where,s Mr. Benny now? ROCH: BE'S ASLEEP ON T.z3E COUCH IN THE ISVING R0OM . N,ARY: Well, I'm going to go in there and wake him up. Come on . (SOUND: FOOTSTRPS) JACK: (SNORES) JF pTX01 0194326 -17- NARY : Jack -- JACK: (SNORFS) MARY: Jack, aake up . JACK: (SNORE9) ROCH: (ASIDE) 6IISS LIVINGSTONE, WHY DDN'T YOU PAT HIS CHEEf{? MARY: Yesh . . . (SOUND: IJGHT PATTING) MARY : (SEXY) Jeaeeccck -- JACK: (SNORE) (SOUND : PATTING) MARY: (SEXY), Jaaaacck -- - JACK : (SHORT SNORE) What is it, Marilyn? 34AitY. Huh?- . 3ARC: (1~.TMV+_.LG) -Speak-to-me,-Mari'1S[r. MhRi:--(-PbEASEB)-MeMiyn-ae22: JACK:--(M43MLUCr)--PeE'my-eheek-agetm, MmaliJn . (SOUND: * .nxm pAT}!IN(}) H(36Bt-AfiSS-IxiV3iVGSTOME,--Wf9t-BBN'-T1'OU-WAKE -HI41-UP? ±'RR1`-.-(-I~lff'i i~iHi'-hEflBj I~.Ske-SY~-3-1#ke -ix . JACK: (SHDRT SNORE AND WA KE5 UP) Huh huh hub4 . . .What's everybody talking s0 -- Oh, it's you, Mary . What're you doing over here? NARY: What am I doing over here? Yeaterday you asked me to go with you to buy some new eie~thes for your television shows . . . so come on, let's go . JACK: But, Mary, I'm too tired . MARY: Well, it's your own fault . Imagine getting up at four o'clock in the mo rning to take a walk . JACK: Well, don't blame me . .Blame Hank the all night disc jockey . RTY{01 0184327 is- MARY: Jack, I don't know what you're talking about . All I know ie you made a date with ce to go buy .yne some new clothes . . .so . put on your hat ard come on . JACK: Look, Mery, I'm too tired,-~A anyway, vsy oar isn't running . MARY: All right, we ce° take the bus ri&ht down to Hollywood . JACK: .J Oh . . .all ;ight. (TRAPSITION MSSIC) (SOitNM : ?~~)PS. . .DOOR CPEPS . . .FOOT3TEP3 ON CB~'.ENT) MARY : You see, Jack, it only took twelve minutes to get down here . Now where's the clothing store you go to? JACK : Just around the corner . I don't know why we had to get on such a crowded bus . J,f6d to stard all the way . . ;MRY : I know. . . (L4UGPS ) JACK: What are you laughing at? ..- 1ARY: You-gat so tired . . .instead of holding on to the strap, you just stuck your head through the loop and fell asleep . ACK ; What's funny about that? IARY : At the next stop a man got on . . .tookone look at you dangling there and said, "I know his last picture was bad, but somebody went too far ." JACK : Mary, he probably just said that for a gag . 4ARY : Then why did he cut you down? .wc TACK : I don ' t know. . .I'm too tired to argue with you nr.~, Here's the clothing store, (SOUND: DOOR OPEhS AND CLOSES) JACK : (YAWNS) . bARY : Jack, stop yawning . ,17 piY{ 0 1 0 18 432 8 -19- JACK : I can't help it . I'm so sleepy I can hardly keep my eyes open . n MARY : Well, this won't take long .A,Here aomes the salesman . NELSON : How do you do : JACK: Oh, no . MARY : Clerk, Mr. Benny wants to .buy a new suit . NELSON : Well, whether he wants to or not, he should . JACK: Look, mister, I'd like to get home . I was up at four o'clock this morning and I'm awfully -- NELSON : Very wel7. . I'm sure you'll like both our materials and price range . JACK: Price range? NELSON : Yes, we have some beautiful suits at twenty-eight seventy-five ard twenty-nine fifty . Or would you prefer something cheaper? JACK: (ANGRY) I didn't come in here for anything cheap! . . . I'll take the twenty-nine fifty . MARY : I'm proud of you, boy . JACK: Mary, please . L3ok, mister, how can you possibly afford to sell suits at such low prices? NELSON : Oh, that's simple . You see, we have no costly fixtures . JACK: Oh. NELSON : Charlie, pick up some of these suits off the floor and show them to Mr . Benny . JACK: Never mind, I don't want those . NELSON : Very well . Would you like to see something in a sport outfit? JACK : -,- Sport outfit? NEISON : Yes, that's when the coat and panta don't match . JACK : Ch. JF Rrx 01 0 1 e 432 9 -20- ,'r.2.. .v e-C NEISON : BUt if yau - re looking for e bargain, I can show you a beautiful pair of sport pants . JACK: Sport pants? NEL90N : Yes, the legs don't match. JACK: (PLEADING) Mary, let's go home,. ; uoCLaj" N~RV . T nls, 'gBt-a-eRi't-7S7Yd"8i{pYay-,-y0a said _that-they.-t:ed-the-west-eLUruring-Uhing-6are3eJetr-vir~ow aithSxoedshouldere . N6FS8Nc~Phat-was-ca~ ...pengle-were~Lering--atrme-ae3-eame beak~n : 3A6K;~}-Mexg, . dARY :4 Jack, don't be so stubborn . If they don't have a suit to fit - you, maybe they can make one to order . NELSON : Saay . . .that's a brilliant idea . I'11 go get some materials . JACK : Look, Mister, while you're gone, do you mind if I lie down on these chairs? NFSSON : Not at ail . MARY: Jack, if you lie down, they won't be able to measure you . NK1vON : Oh, yes we can, our tailor used to work for Pierce Brothers . JACK: It11 stand up, I'll stard up . NEISON: Oh, I just happened to remember . . . our tailor Ss off today , I - 11 have to fit you myself . fACKa Well, for heaven sakes, get started . Q•:L90N: I will, I will . Would you like me to measure your chest or would you rather not know . 4zk -~c :ACK :~; Now, cut that cut : Mary. . .P ve got to get soms sleep . . .let a go home . MJ+RY: Jack, if you don-t buy a suit now, you,ll never buy one . JF pT5101 0184330 -21- JACK: Okay, okay . . .Illl take that blue one . MARY : But, Jack, it may not be your size . ~ ;kY JACK : I don't care vhat size it ie . I want to get ~6 sleep .7 How much is it? NELSON: Twenty-nine fifty . . JACK: Okay . . .here's the money:, .Come on, Mary, I want to get home . NFSSON: Uh uh uh. . .just a minute -- JACK: Huh? NFSSON : We always like to check on our advertising . Did you coms into our store because you saw our ad in the paper . . .or did you hear our program on the radio? JACK : Radio? NEISON : Yes, we sponsor Hank, the all-night disc jockey . JACK: Hank? . . . the all night? . . . Ycu? . . . NELSON : (GRUNTS AND GASPS) N,ARY : eck, oy u're choki him : I don't care vht I!g dioina;JACK . oN bodv ie Ko7nc to wake ve uo at four o'c oc in the m rn eI get avev with ~t . P=LSON : (GP.UNTS AND GROANS) 6•w MARY : Jack -- Jek!!! -Stioo chokinsc b=. . .Jack . . . ease! (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF) JF arxol 0184331 TFC JACK BENNY PROGRAM -22- AN ER ICAN TOBACCO CO . NOVEMeE[2 1, 1953 (Transcribed October 25, 19y3) TAG JACK : isdies and gentlemen, one of our greatest natiotu:.l :azards is fire . _'onight through ceselessness, a fire could start in your home, a life could be lost . b_or_'t let it happen . Be on Euard constantl, agair.st fire . b!ake aure every mateh, every cigarette is out before you discard it . Empty all ash trays before ieaving the house ar going to bed . Observe all fire regulations . Don't give fire a place to start . Thank you . APfIALBE : wILS0N : Jack will be back in just a u:inute . But first, remember the winner of the $e';,000 Tam 0'Shanter golf tcurne .ment, Lew Wors'nan? ftere he is to get a word in wedge-vise : HT?f 0 1 c0784. 332 TfiE JACK ~Z.i i PRO^vFA.'! AMERIDADt TOBACCO CO . Pi04EMBF.R 1, 1U53 (Transcribed October 28, 1953) JLOSING OQMIwn'RCSAL L"4I WORS&'M1 : Hello _ollcs . The club that I have in my kaa.nd is a ( TAPE) Loubie Service Wedge . You'll remember ttat I ' ve made one of the most 'iucrative shots tbat I have ever made with this club . I~ uring the Tam 0'Shsnter Tourna ..ment, I used this club at tha last ho1e . Fro;+ a i:undred and fifteen or twenty yards away, and made one ) f ti+o 7 L ur,ky shots of my wnole life . Other goifers might 'eave chosen an eight or a nine iron to play this shot . To me, the wedge i!as been one of my favorites . On that day, that was a lucky choice . And tahen it comes to cigarettes, my choice . . .Luc+cies . . . t hey taste better . Y+'CLSOSi : L=w Worskam is rignt . Smoking enjoyment is a1i a LivE l '.cstter of taste . And tTe fact of ts matter is -- _~uckies taste better . Because 1,ucky Strike means i1.ne tobacco and Luck±es are made better . So . . Be Happy -- Go Lucky: Ask for a carton of Lucky Strike . DH H 1 80 1 i)784933 (TAC) -23- ROCH : ARE YOU COMFORTABLE, MR BEfINY? JACK : Yes . ROCH : 110 YOU WANT ANOTHER BIANKET? ~ JACK : No, itecheeSer, I'm perfectly comfortable . . And, look, I vanta get a good long sleep, so no phone calls, no disturbances of any kind . ~ ROCH : Y6S, SIR . I HOPE YOU SIF,EP .NELL, BOSS . JACK: Thank you . . . (SCUNR : RO/OR CLOSES) JACK : (SNORES SEVERAL TIMES) (SHORT T'RANSITION MUSIC) JACK: (YAWNS) Oh, boy, that vas a good sleep . . . Ten full hours . . .'~^.~..... I really feel great . . . But vhat am 2-go3ag-ta ds now . . . it . it's four o'clock in the morning again . . . . . &i6ell, I guess I'71 just have to,gb take anotMr valk . (APPIAUSE & MUSIC) BH Ri 901 018 4 334 .a- 70N : The Jack Beruiy Show tonight was written by uam Perri .n, Mi1t Josefeberg, Gaorge Halzer, John mackaberry, Hal Goldcan, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . Be sure to near The American Way with Horace Heidt for Luc'_ty Strike every Thursday over this same station . Consult your newo paper for the time . The Jack Benny Progran- w-as brought Lo you by Lueky Strike prcduct of t:no Ameriee.n Tobacco Company . . . . :lmerica's leading ma.nufacturer of cigarettes . idi'rt«t 0 184335 PImGAAM #9 RWISED SCRIPT AMCRTCAN TOBACCO COMPANY LWISY STRffiE THE JACK BPstdVY PILOGAAM SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 1953 CBS 4 :00-4 :30 PM PST (TRANSCRIBED NOV . 5, 1953) arx 01 0 1 e 4336 Tf E JACK BECdNl 2ROGRA.Ni ti9 tiavE6 BER 8, 1953 OP~IINGlO MECIAL 1d2150P1: :RE tAVj{ NEPSIY °70GRPM . . . . trsnscri'oed and presentrai by LUCKY STffiXE : CGTS,INS : Luckies taste better: CHORUS : Cleaner, F resher, Smoother : GOLi,iNS : Luckies taste better : CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother : For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco OOLLLNS : Luckies taste bester : CFOR-ilS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother : Lucky S trike : Lucky Strike : WTL50N : Friends, after all is said end done, the reason you or anybody else smokes a cigarette can be summed u~ in nr,e word : enjoyment . A.nd certaioly the enjoyment you get deoends entirely on the taste of a cigarette . Put is this way . Smoking enjo-,ynent is all a matter of taste . Well, the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . Cleaner, f:resher, smoother . Here°s why Luckies taste better . First, teey're :nade of fine tobacco . Luc ky Strike means fine tobacco -- fine, naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco . Second, Lucicies are actually made better -- made round, firm, Yu11y-packe9 -- to always drew freely and smoke evenly . Yes, fine tobacco in a better mede cigarette $ives ynu better taste, every single time . After all, smoking enjoy-sent is all a mat t er of taste . And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . You'11 know that's true the minute you 7 .i pht up a Lucky . So next time you're shooping for cigarettes get the carton with the rer9 bullseye -- Lucky Strike : R7" ;K 0 1 0 ?H4 3 J ; THE JnC:C B 3VT_]Y PR6GFAM ,/ 9 NovF.MBM 8, 195 3 0'EIVIlQG C9MMIItCSAL ~CONT'D) S7oLSSW'vY e-IRTET : Be ganpg -- Go ~ucky ONG CLOSE) Get Better Tasbe Todayl R7"MU1 018 (FIRST ROUTINE) (AFPER COMMERCIAL, MUSSIC UP AND LOWN) DDN : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROORAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITH MARY LNINGSTONE, ROCH6TER, DENNL9 DAY, BOB CROSBY, THE SPCRTSMEN qUARTET AND "YOUR3 TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPLAU3E . . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DJN : AND NOW IADIE3 AND GENTLFNg71, I GIVE YOU TRE STAR OF OUR SHOW, A MN WHO FOR YEARS HAS WON THE HIGHEST ACCOIADE OF CRITICS AND PUBLIC AIM . . . JACK : Oh,[pleaae.TD-an- ./ -DON . --A-MAN-WH&4E-SUAVEr-SOPHISTICATED-MWR HAS TICKLSD THE- 3330NB: . . dAe1F:--_DOUr--there~s-rea-Hy-no-need-te--- LON: A M9N WHOSE UNIqUE ABILITIES HAVE BROUGHI' HIM T0 THE / PINNACLE OF SUCCFFS AND WtN6E -- Ob, I oan't read this,~p • JACK: You'll read it and like it . . .Now go ahead . LUN : A MhN WHOSE TALENT IS EXCEEDID ONLY BY HL4 MGDISTY . . . AND HERE AE IS, JACK BENNY . (APPIAUSE) JACK : Thank you, thank you, thank you . . .Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking . And Don, I don't see why it should be so hard for you to say a few nice things about me . . .but I'm ~ha,oop~py you msnaged to struggle through that introduction . DON : Welx, thd only reason I did was because I Was afraid you'd fire me . JACK: Don, I couldn't fire +ou . II]N : Why not? JACK : Because this happens to be National Save Your Fat Week . . . that's vhy, Don . RT 8 01 0184339 07 D]N : Oh, come now, Jack . . .There hasn't been a National Save , Your Fat Week since 1944 . JACK : Don . . .Fklward R . Murrow can be topical, I have to be funny . . .Anyway, you know what today is, don't you? IX1N: Yes, I do . It was exactly twenty years ago today that I agreed to go on your show . BOB: ~~ Gosh, Jack . . .have you and Ibn really been together that long? JACK : We sure have, Bob . And right from the start it was a wonderful association . . .no arguments, no bickering, no lawyers . jdln IS7N: That's right . .he just tattooed the contract on my stomach 17 and let it go at that . JACK : And every year there's been room for new clauses . . . ---7 B0~ Speaking of contracts, Jack . . .I . . .We1l . . .I'm still be~ing i id by the veek, aren't I? ~ JACK : Yes, ob, that's the tway I pay all the memb6rs of my cast . i BOB : Well, I 3ert of hete to mention it . .~.but this is our ninth shou this seas end I'm a little 6hind . JACK : Oh well, Bob, somet s there re slight, unavoidable delays . . .the mail is let or the accounting department slows up a little . w many c ka have you gotten'r BOB : Two . JACK : Only two ch ks all season? BOB : That's r ght . JACK : Bob,/I don't know what to say . . .This is terribly arressing. You should call my business manager immediately. ATtl01 0184340 -3- BOB:'\ I already did . I told him I've received two /c17eolcs this ~whole seeson . / JACK: Wha%d1d he say~t , ~ BOB : "Congratulations, I only got JACK: Well, Bob, some~imes we do~get a little behind, but sooner or later everyone get BOB : Well . . . . . LON : Jack's right; Bob . . . .You can a~t-3Senny Baker, be's still getting checks . \ JACK: I•'stopped with him last year . . .Hut Bob, y3u don't have to worry because 1 11 personally take care of thi3~ .first thing in the morning . -7a?-vouid . (80UND : LGGR OPEPS) unnc ,~:. . JACK : MEL : (MOCIEY) (OFF) TRbB9EtSM. . .TEIEGRAM FOR MR . BENNY . JACK: Over here, Boy . (SOUND: RIP OF ENVE[[)PE) JACK: Hey, it's from Dennis . DON : Y9 A ything wron g.? JACK : Let me read it ...... DE4R MR . BEPUlY. . .I MY BE A LI7TLE:IATE FOR THE SHOW T0114Y AS I HAVE TO GET MY 81OE5 SHINED AND MY CAR WASHED . idi8 I'M AL90 EUJPING TO NIAGARA FAIdB . . ." Eloping to Niagara Falls? . . . . .What a crazy kid . RTYS 0 1 0 184341 -u- BCB : I didn't even Imow he had a girl . a 9~>l JACK : Out of a clear blue sky -laa elopes . . .cHe crouldn't get married like everyone e1se . . . . vith a ceremony. . .and guests . . . . .and a nice violin solo . . . Ch, well, if Dennis oiug to be late, ve'll have to fill in with something . Bob, maybe we ought to have the boys in the band,do'a number . BCB: Sur Jack . . . . what vould you like themlto play? JACK: You mean Rhave a choice? BOB : Cf course . . \ Pagan Love Song", "Ramona ...... or "Stay on the Light Side vit Festside ." i JACK : Emmm . ~~ BOB : They're even vorking on a never % JACK : Never'1 : ~eah . . .(SINGS) Paper Mate Flasks are leakproof,BCB . . .,use the . Paper Mate flask . '.iAC3E-~Sayv--Wat_'s-pnattY cute Anrl Eo4,~-msat aay ~ MEL : Duh, pardon me, Mr . Benny . JACK : Oh, are you still here? MEL : I'='I hate to mention it, but vhen one delivers a telegram, it's customary for one to get a tip . JACK : Oh, oh . . . . of course r. .How much do you usually get? ME[. : Well, that's up to you . I vouldn't want to influence you in any way . JACK: Well, let's see -- DH Rrx 01 01 e 4 3 42 -5 MEL : Uh . . . . do you mind if I use your phone a minute? JACK: No, go ahead . (SOUND : RFDEIVPR IIP . . . . DIALING) MEL: Hello, Martha . . . . this is Herman . How's Grandma?ry .~ .Not any better, huh? (STARTS TO SNIFFLE) . . .Well, what can we do? We can't afford medicine for the baby either . But----4 Martha, if we spend that money on medicine, we won't be sr G . ' able to buy any food . . .(STARTS TO CRY) ihat? The landlord was over? . . . . What did he say? . . . .He's~.~ only gonna give us two more days, eh? . . . . Well, I'11,itry to see what I can do, Martha . . . .Keep up your courage . . . Goodbye . (SCUND : RECENFR DOWN) MEL : (KERP SOBBING) /r'- :<_ : Control yourself, control yourself . . .Here! I've got a JACK 4 tip for you . MEL:d11 Gee, thanks, Mister, I -- Gh, no, no!! i JACK : What's the matter? MII. : What-'-a-tAe-matGer! For a lousy dime I just wasted a routine I could have used on Strike It Rich . JACK : Look, that's all the change I have for a tip . Anyway, I'm doing a radio program now . . . .so why don't you wait 9133. -- DENNIS : i Hello, Mr . Benny . JACK : Dennis . . . .what are ~ou doing here? I thought you were eloping : Oh, that's. DFSINIS all off . DH RTH01 0164343 -6- JACK : All off? What happened? DFNNIS :~ This morning a4en I wea about to propose to the gir1~. I really sav her for the first time . JACK: You mean -- DBF7NIS : She's got long stringy hair, beady eyes, bad complexion, a mean face, and she'~ blg as a horse . JACK : Gee, she sounds like a mess . DEitdIS : Yeah . . .boy am I glad she turned me down, JACK: 4 y She turned ~ou down? DBNNIS :4/I don't care, I'll marry her twin sister . JACK: Oh, fine . DEQNIS : You should see her tvin sister . . . .she's got a flgure like Marilyn Monroe . . . .legs like Betty Grable . . .hair like Rita Hayworth . . . . and a face like Avs Gardner . JACK : Dennis, if the other girl is so ugly, how could her twin sister be so beautiful? DINNIS : You and Fki Murrow can be technical, I have to be funny . JACK: 9k, ging your song, w111 you? . . . .That kid drives me crazy . (APPIAUSE) (DEiVNIS'S SONG - "E CGMPARE") (APPL4USE) DH HTYS01 0184344 (SECOND ROUTINE) -7- I~vu~ r.irs .. .:c.-.~~ l . . . JACK : That was very good, Dennis ^ .and now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, we are going to do our . version of Universal-International's classic of the gridlron . . ."All American" . . .iia.-r-::4=1- -- Excuse me . (SOUPID : RECEIVf•R UP) JACK : Hello~. ROCH: HELLO, T&i . BEIJNY, THIS IS ROCHESTER . , (APPLAUSE) ;, . JACK : Rochester, I'm the middle P~my ehow . . .what do you want? ROCH : WELL, BOSS, DO YOU REbaIBER 9HAT SWffi' LITTLE OLD LADY WHO CAME BY HERE LAST WE'EfC JACK : Little old lady? ROCH : YOU KNOYI . . .THE 0NE7JII0 SOLD YOFI, THAT FIFTY CbTii RAFPLE TICKEf ON A ~TUIdCE,Y . JACK : Oh yes, now remember . ROCH : WELL, SHFy BACK AGAIN . JACK : }Umn . . ~•4fh/at does she want this time? ROCH : A H[i1~IDRID THOUSAND DOLLARS, SHE FELL DOWN YO~JR STEPS . JACK : /cll/1 down my -- Rochester, she's suing me for e• .hundred thousand dollars? ROCH : / C?ffit UP, BOSS, I OOT SOLIC GOOD NLtiIS FOR YOU, T00 . JAC;Y/ What good news? YOU WON THE TURKE4 . Rochester, who cares about the turkey? I'm being sued for a hundred thousand dollars . Tell me, was the woman badly hurt? ArK 01 07 8 434 5 SOCH : SHE CLAIMS 3HE SPRAINED EfER PNGi.E . JACK : Sprained her arucle? Well, that's t7e most outrageous and unfair thing ; ever heard of . You tell her nobody can -, collect ea hundred thousand dolls h s for a snrained ankle . ROCH : 1 DID, BUT SHE SAYS 3I E LOOKEO `PHHOUGH THE COURT RECORDO AN'D FOU'TJ A 1'RFC MENT FOR 1T . " .TP.CK : What precedent? ?OCH: THE CASE OF JACK BnZV,Y 'I-7SUS _TIIC ST/RLtiTCAR COYLPAyl . JACK : That was different . . .I didn't Pail,/the motorms .n threw ne off . . .New look, gochester, doe't .sdmit anythirg and get in touch withmg insurance man, I'm covered for things like this . aOCH : OKAY . JACK : I'11 see you later . ,.. .goodbye . HOCH: p00DBY+~i, . . .OH SAY, BO$B . JACK: Now vhat? ROCH: CAN I BAV5 THE 1= ^_4i0 bi E ,1LS OFF? JACK : TWO weeks off? Why certainly not . ROCH: OH . . .blF-L , CAN I HAVE TONIGHT OFF4 JAOK : Tonight?+ . .!tes, I guess so . ROCH : THANIf" : JACK : Wait a minute, Rochester . . . wLy aid you ask me for two e%eks off? ROCH : BFCAIISE T",Y4D TO S05TFrV YOU UP TO Grt OiQIGIfP OFF . JACfi On, ~no that'e --- ROCH : 00000000000D BYE . /JACK : Gocdbye, goodbye . ~ (SOUN-D : REOENER AC4N) (APPjAUSE) IdT#iK)1 Ci1B434Lti -9- ~ ~ JACK : Z]oa-whe e was I?•••oh yes ight-G're going to do our vers3on- Universa -I2its14tationa3'e-tkmil ing story of the Znidiron .-. ."Al1Amerioan ." . ~ .. BOB :~±Isn't that the one where Tony Curtis stars as a football hero? JACK : That's right . . .In fact, tonight I'm playing his role . DON : v4 But Jack, Tony Curtis is si-e~-kid . . .hov can you even think of taking a part +bimL he played? -BOv. '"~.t's-night~--3eck,- :,that.sola-0s13s~or-somaone-ef~iol-Iege. aga• -BF3' ]N39-~__ 1i,-i.irr-BCHpy~ w ,wn r~~1}gy~_ SACK : Look, there's no sense in arguing because I'm gonna play the Tony Curtis part and nobody can stop me . TONY : I can . JACK: Who are you? TONY : Tony Curtis . (APPLAIJBE) JACK: Well Tony Curtis . . .This is a surprise . K TONY: Well, Jack, I was at aig studio wheheard about you doing this sketch tonight, so I goL'down'here as fast as I could . A JACK: Oh. TONY : Jack, you really don't intend to take the part I played in the picture, do you? JACK -Pj4eOf course I do . / p'..L/ TONY : ~But . . .don ' t you think it's a little rldioulous? H .4EW JACK: What'sn so ridiculous about it? TONY: Jack, the picture happens to be "All American" not Ear1Y American . AiX 01 018434? JACK:_ Look, Tony, I don't want to get ints any argument about \1rt1'~a\ge . / TONY : NeltherZlo~I . . .You'll wind up having me older than you are . JACK : ell someda'ouwill be . . .And I don't care what you say, I stil3 think I can be con ing as an All American quarterback . ~fDWC-----Oaly'if~Oa-east-L3ene3-Berrys,ene--as-thebheei . JACK : iFel3-fra(ildy, Tony, I don't understand your attitude at all . ArnT:3t so happens that the producer of your picture, Aaron Rosenberg, is a ver good friend of mine .••If you don't let me play the part, you'll have to go back to the studio and face him~ .HOw would you explain it to him~ what would you tell him? TONY : y_jj drove me down here . JACK : Oh . .•Well look, Tony, I'm gonna play the part unless you have a strenuous objection . TONY : well, I do . . .I think your playing the part of a college boy ie incongruous . JACK : Oh yeah . . .well let me tell you -- (WHI3PII2) Hey, Hobi come here a minut e . BOB : (WHffiPEN) Yes, Jack . JACK: (WHI9PII2) .i What,~does "incongruous" mean?•••fNh? BOB : (WHISP EN) Y'm not eure . . . (uP) oH, Ra.usY . . . . JACK: Never mind. • . J eeM~r=lary( . . . . H+~~ ~c.:)~~ . J0 RiS{ 0 1 0 1 8 4348 -11- TONY: I'll tell you vhet incongruous means . . .It means inappropriate . . .unbecoming . . .not harmonious in character . . .inconsonant or inconsistent . JACK : Oh . ~gppf-~f~ , that . .SAOK--Yov-don't-have-to-be-e-eoHe6e-§ey-to-b~ DIIVNIS : Well, I still don't un3erstand it . JACK : The meaning of incongruous? DIlVMS : No, hov one twin can be so beautiful and the other one .-w ugly . JACK : Dennis, ve're not talking about that . DEiif]IS : Well, I don't understand incongruous, either . JACK : Iook, Dennis . . .er . .,ea'. . .Ezplain it to him, Tony . TONY : All right . . .I'11 make it simple . . .Dennis, incongruous means something that doesn't fit . JACK : F het'a-zl6trtrBennis . . . . something that doesn't fit . . .NOv Tony, you just sit dovn in the studio and'vatoh me play your part . . . . I'm sure you'll enjoy it, TONY : Okay . JACK : TAKE IT, DON . DON : AND NOW, L4DIES AND GENTLEMNN, WE BRING YOU OUR VERSION OF THAT THRILLING UNIVFRS4L-INTtRNATIONAL PICTURE "ALL AMEdICAN" . . . A SAGA OF COLLECE LIFE ON THE GRIDIRON . CURTAIN . . . . MUSIC . . . . (BAPID PIAYS COLLECE THFTO) DH Rrx 01 0 1 e 4349 -12- DON : THIS IS TAE STORY OF A POOR BOY WHO, BIDAUSE OF 195 TAS .ENT ON THE FOCISALL FIELD, WAS ABLE TO C?J T CC!LLFGE . RISJ'I'0 THE TOn ASD BPFO_QE AN "A_LL AME4ICAN ." (ORC,HF3TRe^. 9TI.NGER . . ; fG3P OUI.') SACK : (FILTEft) MY NAME IS NICK . . .NICK BONPLaI47AZINSKa-4ICHFL- IKOFFSLY . . . . IN MY FIRST ;7EAR AT MID-STATE UN=±SI'I"l, I WAS THE STA R C,uARTL•TIIACK . I'LL FtHl]"rIR FORGLT THAT CRUCIAL GAAq¢, FOR THE CHAMPIONSHIP . I OAUCfl' THE OPF'I,QING KICKOPF ASID RAN PP IiACIC FOR A TOLCIIDC4JN . . .TFC CROIJD F ENT WIL7 . . . . T:-LE ROOTING SPS7T ION STCCD UP A .ND BEGAIP TO CFLFR FOR ME . ZUART : P.ONNA.HI7A'LINSKH-VICSEM-IKON"FSKY . . . . BONLLAIffiAZINSitA-V IC --M-IKOFF'SKY . BAND : (CFSE3ING I N -,IdISON) B 0 N N ii K R A Z I N S i: A VIC H E Li7VIC HIKDFm S2'CY . JAC3 : WHFTI TE-Pi FINISHEO, WE iJ'R1 E SN TI-*.E l_'ICRD GyQARTFR . . .TRE ,'i'ST OF TEi; GAME'FAS ROUTINE TILL THE LAST FEd i1 .INfiTFS A'FiIIQ 1 MADE ONE SPECTACU'-1R PIS1Y . . . . I KICKFJD A FIFT.D G04?, FROM THE SISTELN YAR7 LINE. z m°r~i~ P-H&V$'-S~3'{$[yys~'F3-- - .~-+°16=.m-tF38~~'iF;~Vtr.."y=.-'.dP.6 "'~FI@7$f3I&~?}fr`~i'I~r:]S~'P CFOWD WENT 'HLD ';'y3~?3ILE s~if3~4DY{-'tiASA-D'Y7:.~t- :?C'RE~38-:; 46fiEiti-_`N73`?-flfz'~.R"~7-^-4 yUART : (FADING) B 0 N N A K H A Z I N S~i4--- DH FTh'07 UtRe4 350 -13- JACK : IT WAS TREN THAT I DFAIDID TO CHANGE MY NAME . . . . I CHANGID IT TO BONIId .I . . . . NICK BONELSS . . .AT TRE 30 OF THE SEASON, I MADE EVERY ALL AMFRICAN TEAlA . MY PASSING WAS PRAISID BY COLiSFRS . . .MY RUNNING WAS APPIAUDID BY LOOK AND MY DDJDORANf WON TNE GOOD }IDUSEKEEPfII•IG SFrU, OF APPROVAL . . . . BUT MID-STATE DIDN'T GIVE FOOTBALL SOHOIARSRIPS . . SO I TRANSFbRRED TO SENAIDAN COLLBGE . . .AND THE NEXT FALL I FOUND MYSELF IN THE RE3ISTRAR'S OFFICE WffrRE THE DEAN'S SECRETARY WAS FILLING OUT MY PNPRANCE APPLICATION . BEh : Noa let's see . . . . Nick Bonelli . . . .Nick Bonelli . . . . Oh, here's your card. . . . Nov tell me, vhat is your height? JACK : (RPD . MIKE) Five foot eleven . BE4 : Your weight? JACK: One seventy-three . BEA : Color of your eyes . . .Oh, theytre blue, aren't they? JACK : Bluer than the toes of a barefooted field-goal kicker . BPP $FA• krv. '-made-yea-dec4da~s~eoe®e-a-peyeM's8rtst't~ BEA : Well, that's all the questions and -- Oh, just a second . . . . You're here on a football scholarship, aren't you? JACK : Yes, ma'em . BE4 :,-'= In that case, youTblK,lbe provided vith tuition, room and board, and you'll be given a hundred dollars a month to spend . JACK: Do I have to spend it? DH ATX 0 1 0194351 ;fa <'uk : i /~--h " . -14- BEA : No. . .Now of course, you and all the other football players will have to earn thffa~ money . JACK : I understand . What will my job be? SE4 : Well, in the Dean's office there is an eight day clock . JACK : And I'm supposed to wind St? BEI : No, the fuliback winds it, your job Is to see that he does . JACK : (FILTF72) UNDFR THE BURDIN GF THIS ASSIGNMFMP . . . . I BP.GAN MY FIRST YEAR AT SH4RIDAN . I'LL NElIIY FGRGET THE DAY I MET OUR FAMOUS FGCTBALL COACH . I RIIgMBFR HOW HE WAIi{ND INTO THE DRESSING ROOM AND 34ID-DPNNIS : All right you men . . . .I want all the linemen to go out and practice tackling . . . . the ends brush up on pass receiving . . . Half-backs will put in two hours each bucking the 11ne . . . . The full-backs will spend the whole day trying to klck field goals . . . and you -- you're playing quarter, aren't you? JACK: (RBG . MIKE) Yes sir . . . what shall I do? DFNNIS : Scratch my back . JACK: (FILTER) THIS WAS A THRILLING MCMNNT FOR ME . . . AT LAST I HAD MET THAT GREAT COACH . . . ITCHY DAY . . . .AB I STOOD THBRE SCRATCHING HIS BACK, HE IAOKFD AT ME AND YELLED -- DIIJNIS : (IN RHYTIDS) DO IT AGAIN, DO IT AGAIN, IWRDFR, HARDIIi . . . DO IT AGAIN, DO IT AGAIN, HARDFR, BAE DPR . . . JACK : (FiII3 . MIKE) Now wait a minute, Coach, I don't want to do this . I vsa an All American at Mid-State . DH ATYl01 0184352 -15- DENNIS : Well, you're at Sheridan now and everybody starts from scratch. 3P-6`I4.----iGaolm.- DINPiIS : And another thing . . . we observe strict training here . JACK : Yes sir . DINNIS : That means no parties, no dancing, and no dates with girls, Cuw~you'11 take all your meals at the training table, you have to be in bed by nine, up at six, and we practice seven days a veek . JACK : But what do ve do for fun here at Sheridan? DERNIS : On Tuesday night you play Scrabble with naughty vords . JACK : (FILTFR) YFS, COACH DAY WAS A STRICT DISCIPLINARIAN, AND WHAS] IT CAME TO FOOTBAI.L, HE WAS A PFRFHOTIONIST . . . WE HAD A GOOD TEAM BUT THE PIAYIIiS WbRIN'T VERY BRIGHI' SO COACH DAY HAD LITTLE RADIOS INSTALLIII IN OUR ffisR1AEfS SO WE COUID ISSTkTi TO THE BORADCAST OF THE GAME AND FIND OUT WHO HAD TH6 BALL . . . . . ONE DAY I TUNID IN THE WRCNG STATION AND TACKLID JOHN'S OTHER WIFE . . . . AF1'FR STARRING IN THREE STRAIGHP GAMFS, I WAS THE TOAST OF TH6 CAMPUS . BUT I FOUND OUT THAT SHERIDAN WAS DIFFFRP3iT THAN MID-STATE . THESE 9PUDENTS WERE SNOBS Altl .l MY ROOM-MATE, ROBERT CARTII2, WAS THE BIGGEST SNOB OF ALL, HE 1JAS AIY(AYS NAGGING ME . BOB : Hey, Bonelli . JACK : (RE] . MIKE) What is it, Robert? BOB : How many times have I told you . . . when you store things in the closet, keep your mothballs away from mine . DH ATM 0 1 01843S3 -16- JACK : But how can you tell the difference? BOB : Mine are monogrammed . JACK : Oh . . . Robert, why can't ve be friends? BOB ; I don't like riff-raff . JACK : But, Robert, I'm so popular on the campus . All the fraternities are begging me to join . 1 Alt- BOB : Well, mine is the ritziest one and I'm sureyou von't get in . JACK : Why not? BOB : Because I'm the only member . JACK: What? BOB : And the only reason I got In is my brother owns the college . JACK : (FILTER) L4TFR I POUND 0Vf FIIS BROTHER ALSO OWNED MINUPE MAID ORANGE JUICE, THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES, AND PITTSBURGH . . . BUT ROBPRT SES ME STRAIGHf ON ONE THING . BOB : Bonelli, you don't fit In here . . . If you didn't play football, nobody at Sheridan would even talk to you . JACK : (REG . MIKE) Oh yeah? They'd still like me for myself . BOB : ~i What makes you think so? JACK : I'll tell you why . . . Because I've got a Minning personality . . . . muscles of steel that the fellows admire and respect . . . and the kind of youth and good looks that make girls svoon . (SOUND : LOUD DOOR SLAM) DH FTYi 0 1 0184354 JACK : (FII:TEe) TIrP.^ DOOR SIAM WA F*t'T aosER T . . . . IT WAS Toiax CURTIS .CFAVING TEIB STUDIO . . .BOT I llxID EU TO sZPID OUT 11 ROBE]?T WAS ftIGfV . '=HE NEXT DAY I TURNED IN lTf Ui4IFORi7 AND OVYRNIGEC I B?•iA ME THE MOST IINPOPU -F- .R -'&2SON ON THE OAMPUS . . . A NEW WT"-U9 LAT IR AT THE DANCE Bl POR, THE BIG GAME, I SAT FOR HOURS _TN A COR.N-rJR BY MYS ELF . NOBODY CAME WITI+TN FIVE F'~''~.'.' OF ME . . I WAS BF,^rlNblTndG 'PO TgfPIIi GOOD HOUSIIffIF,PING MIGkZ' HAVE SEF24 WRONG . . . IT WAS TEPN THAT I ;AW Efr.Ei . VF9Lbt : ;SESY} te'_So, F.andsome . JACK : SFE WAS BcAU1'IFUL . . .AITJi 1 HAD A HU7VCH SiF"' WAS PO?[L.1R, TOO . . .S2F WAS WF,AR IN G A^ MM LD A2ID Si'fil'f-FOUR FFATEENi`_i ,^-TIdS . . . . PiO DREBS, JUST PRAT EE?IVIiI PTNS . . . . . ShF 3E1L&Y AND CAIYLT?, .II'iGLSNG TOWARDS N[.N'. . . . 3EF'ORL I KNIId _, Wr WERE DANCING TCGET=3N1"i . ( RASID PUA.YS SOFT DNCL Mi7SIC . . .SUSTAIN IN H .G .) JACK: (RM, MI1C) Ylhat's your name? VEOLA : Veola Ward : I'm Nick :to*. JACK .e11i . VFDLA : I L.:-ma . . . 3ee, Nick . . . dancing witz you is different i3ian dancieg vith the other nollege fellcws . JACK : It i ;? VFDLA_ : Yaa . . . .th-ey don't even imow the min j et . JACK : Gee, Veola, you're 'ae2utiful . ~yGy~er~Wr~xeyeaei ;-1•;eaa'eizsl-~-i=-- t~e-eve-r-ses[a- . DH HTX 0 7 01 8 .2355 ~ -18- --NPAUI: Isn't it amazing? JACK : What's a VEOLA : I've got-e tvin sister Who s'~a deg- .,_ JACK : Oh yes, Coach Day pas going to marry her . . . Look; Veolg, ~ ----- ~L'm-c.nazy-eboat-yob . . . Will you marry me? - VEJLA : I night if you changed your mind and played football again . JACK : Oh, so that's it . Well, I xouldn't play football for anything . . VEOLA : Not even if I kissed you like this? (VEOIA GNES JACK A S"L4LL KISS) JACK : No . VDJIA : Like this? (VEJLA GIVFS JACK A BIGGFR KISS) JACK : No . bw ~ ~ (VEOLA GIVES JACK AN EXTREtftELY IpNG KISS) JACK : (FILTEft) I HAD DEOIDID TO PIAY FGCTBALi. ABTER THE FIAST KISS BUT I WASN'T FGOLISH FPIOUGH TO TECS, HFR . . . THg NEXT DAY I WAS SITTING AIANE IN MY RGOM . . . . AND FROM THa STADIUM I COULD RFAR THK CHEIIiS OF THB CROWD AND TRg GLEE CLUB AS THEY SANG OUR SCHCGL SONG . DH Arrs 0 1 01 8 4356 QUART : YO/'VE GORTA BE A FOOTBALL HERO TO GET ALONG WITH THE EEIUTIFJL GIRLS IN SPITE OF ALL A MILLION DOIdAFS CAN .DO A TACKLE OR TWO WILL MEAN MORE TO YW T'HE FACT THAT YQl ARE RICH OR HANCSOt+E WON'T GEP YOU ANYTfIING IN CURIB . YOU GCILTA $E A FOOTBALL HFiRO TO GEt ALONG WITH THE BEAUTIFVL GIRLS . YOU GOTTA SMOICE THAT FINE TOBACCO TO REALLY BNOW WHY A LUCKY IS BEST ON EVERY COLLEGE CAMPUS THROUGHWT THE LAND THE 3TUDENIS DEMAND THEIR FAVORITE BRAND . A LUCKY STRIRE IS BFYTER TASTING A LUCKY STRIISE WINS EVERY TE9T . YOU'VE GOTTA TEAR ANO THEN COMPARE 'EM TO REALLY KNOW WHY A LUCKY IS BE4T. LUCKY STRIKE MEA NS FINE TOBACCO LUC KY STRIAE lEANS FINE TOBACCO CLEANER, PitESHER, SMOCGOTHEB LS,~ 15 MFT .BETPER TASTZNG, YOU'LL AGREE .-~.:c . .s.., .k, 3I6Ffl2 i-346ja-+P1A PA1H+-A-RfFp : A LUCKY STRIKE IS RLiTER TASTING 30 ROUND AND FIIA; AND FULLY PACKE D A LUCKY STRIKE IS MADE MUCH BE'fTER THAT'S NOT A CLAIM, NO SIH, T$AT I$ A PACT ASK YOUR PROFFSSOR BE HAPPY AND GO LUCKY BTRIIG;. (APPLAUSE) RrK 0l 0 1 e 435? ( THIFill I?OU'PiyE ) 0- JACIC : (FILTER} I WAS NC1T MADE G? STONE AND THE SCHOOL SPIRIT IN THAT SONG lOT ML1 . . .I RGSHTD TO THE S'L'4DIGNN A)7il SLIPPED INTO MY GOOD OJ 7-;HIFORM. . . TIE GANiE'. WRS WELL INTC TRE FCI7RTH PsRIOD . . .Si-.ERIIlAPI WAS TRAILING L'Y ONE POINT . . .AND P.3 I°,AN QUT 0N'I'0 TAF, :IE-iTJ . TAE CROWD 4+:1NP WSLl) . fiAND : 3 0 :VN N iSP.A?. .I-~~=~z? JACK: (YELLING ON REGULAR M .IIIE) S CHAFGED I4', = rtiP. NIGED =T . ( FIi,TuR ) IN T :`1E H[iDDI E I. ,^.AI,Tw1~ MY PAVORI'.E :LAY . . . BUT IT 'dAS 3TOPPN:D COLD . . .TRF.' CPPCeING TEAM HAD TI E BIGGEST LINE IN F00`PLALL. . .F9B . . .NAMPs WAS DON IaIIBON . . . ONCi :i RAN AROi7ND HIS EN1) A'ND 4!?S ODT Oiv BOUDri)S BY _____ TEPL`I•91 ..-~BUT ALTEOUGH HE WAS MY OPPO :F,I1. .T"i, I FL1D•- -- TO ADMIRE HIS tiBILITY . .~ JACK : MIKR') Nice tackle, Wilson: ~ D ON : It was ~'magh,stopping gou .'~ ,7AOK : I ]ake that fnocSa"±l~niiorm ;cu're u:earing . DON : THank. y^u \ JACK : I've _!ever seen such big shoulders :~»i3at_:zave y?u ;em padBed with? DGN : .-- My stomacn . A 180 7 0 3 8 43Si-i JACK: (FILTER) TIME WAS RUNNING OUT, BUT I KEPP COOL . I IQ`iE4; OUR CHANCE WOULD CC[dE . . . THEN WITH SECC,^ILB LEFT TO PLAY, I INtERCEPTID A PASS . . . ANf) AS I WEAVED DOWN THE FIELD, SUDDENLY EVERYTHING WENT BLACK . I COULDN'T SEE A THING . MY HEIM HAD SLIPPED DQWN OVER MY EYFB . IT DIDN'T FIT . . .IN OTHER WORffi, IT WAS INCONGRUOUS . . . I THREW OFF MY HEIME'P AND CU"T TO THE LEFf . . .I FAK® TO THE RIGHT . . . I ZIG ZAGGED . . . SUDDENLY I THOUGHP OF VEOLA, AND I FOUND MYSELF DOING THE MINUEf ON THE TWENTY YARD LINE . . . AS I STARTFD RUNNING AGAIN, I REALIZED THERE WAS ONLY ONE MAN BETWEEN ME AND THE GQAL LINE . . . BUT I COULDN'T GET BY HIM . . . THEN IfEkLI215 HE WASN'T EVEN WEARING A FOOTBALL UNIFORM AND I HOLLERED AT HIM . JACK : (REG . MIKE) Why don't gou let me get _by? MEL: (SAME MOOLEY) Duh, I'm still waiting for my tip! JACK: (FILTER) BUT I DIDN'T OIVE RIA1 THE TIP . WHY SHOULD I? AFTER ALL, IT WAS TONY CURTIS AND NOT I WAO WAS THE ALL AMERICAN . (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF) MG prx 01 01 e 435 9 JACK f3Fa`INY ?tZOGH1,N; NGVa]P,EH 8, 1y5I ;,Trenscri'oed Plov . 5, 1955) ALliOCATION idIL50N: Friends, forest fires are one of our great nazional hazards . Today -- perhap s this very minute, a ft rest fire is raging because somebcdy was careless, s =ebody tossed away a liF,Fted cirarette, forgot to put out a eampfire, or was careless wfth matches, cerest fires ravage ni111one of acres of tirfber i.end, weaken '.tterics, cake l .ves . So, ple as e, be careful, be aautious - don l : give fire a place to start . Thank you . (APP.AII3E ) . But f'.rst, fiere.'s WIL$ON : JtiGk wili be back in ust a minute (LIVh) the ve-ce of Fut•_tzer prize winnicC r.artoonist, .ube Goldterg . p1G Fll` ;K 0 '1 {D 38 43 6 0 TACK BP:LMIY ?20GRP.M rrovEMeLR 8, 1953 c LOS'NG CoN1w1ff2CIAL ROBF GOL7FsERG : Hi folks, I've learned what some people t .ink is ('I'R4IVSCRLFPION) funny, others dod tth].ok '_ .. ao hot . It's all a matter of taste . And taste apnlies to a lot of things including cigarettes . To me, Luckies taste better, and taste is what I'm lookinF3 for snd .': always iind it when I .moke a Luclc,f . Now when I buy my Luckies, if' you'd asrdon this terrible pun, I buy 'em by the cartoon . WILAN : " LDI&) Thanks, Rube Goldberg . Friends, smoking enjoy m ent is all a metter of taste . And the fact of the matter is -- Luckies taste better . . . c.ieaner, £rasher, amoother . ',uckles come by their 'oetter taste for two reasons . First, they're made of fine tobacco . The who7e world 'r.nows -- I,SjI~^Fi -- Lucky Scake means fine tobacco . Then -- Luckies are actually msde better to taste better . So, Be Heppy -- Go Lucky -- buy a carton . GD=!S : i,uckies taste better! CHORISd : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! Lucky Strikei Lucky Strike! HF5{V7 r)'7H4sb7 -23 - (TAG) JACK : Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank Tony Vurtis who appeared tonightL.~through the courtesy of Universal- . Internationa~/ nd ill soon be seen in his latest i picture "Forbidden" . JACK• Whet is it, Tony? / TOat was very sweet of you, but you didn't have to give me tl'iat\ug . JACK : I know, Tony, but I wented to, because I-enjoy all your 11 pictures . \ i / TONY: Thanks, Jack . I emjpyed all ofiyours, too . I thought you were wonderful in'Toy$e(0~r Not To Be", "Charlie's Aunt", "George Washingtotf S ept Here", and "Gone With mho 6H .N° / JACK : • Wait a minute, ony I wasn't in "Gaue With The Wind" . TONY : Would Sou xaia~er have me mention "The\Harn Blows At Midnight"7 JACK : Nol;"no, I was great in "Gone With The Wind" . GLodn, igirt, folks. \\\ USE AND MOSIC) RTYS01 0184362 -?4- DDv : The Jack Benny Show toni gh t was written by Sam Perrin, P5i1t Joaefaberg, Geor,ge Baizer, John Takeberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon ar.d ?roduced and transcribed by Hil'_iaid Marks . Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Heddt -'or Lucky 3trike every Thu-rsday over tSis same station . Consult your newspaper for the time . The Jack Penny Pro gr am was brought to you by Lucky Strike product of the American Tobacco Company . . .flmeriea's leading manufacturer of oigsrettes, T7tt"I1 U?8,136 :.t PROORAM #10 REVISID SCRIPT ~~.Q ~/xNsLa.Z ~/ AMERICAN TOBACCO C06eANY UJCRY STRIRE_ THE JACK BINNY PROORAM sImDAY, NoVETffiER 15, 1953 CBS 4 :00-4 :30 PM PSP_ (TRANSCRIBID NOV .12,1953) JO arxoi 0 184364 TFfE JACK DFCNY PROGRAM P(OVJS~1lER 15, 1953 (Transcri'oed Nov . 12, 1953) 0_P~VING '06~R~~h~ WILSON : TNE J:+CK BENNY PROGRA4 . . . '"ranscrihed and presented by LUCKy STRIRF : CO1~i,IIPS : lucki.es taste 'oecter : CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother! COLLINS : Luck^_es taste hetter! CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother! For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLD-iS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother! . Lucky StriY.el Lucky Strike! WILS'ON : Friends, how do you feel about itF Isn't smoking enjoyment the main thing you want from your cigarette? Well, just remember this . Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . Snd the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . ~leaner fresher, smoother . Now, freshness is especially important - and ;ou'll be glad to know that every pack of ~,ucky Strike is extra tightly sealed to bring you Luckies' better taste in all its natural freshness . L1.ght up a Luck-~ and see for yourself hov much fresher, how much better it does taste . Luckies just have to taste better . In the first place they're made with fine tobacco . . . fine, naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco . Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . Secondly, Luckies 2se made better -- made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly . All this means better taste . yes, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . P.nd the fact of the matter ^_s Luckies taste better . So Be HaPPY -- Go Lucky . Get better taste and get it fresh with Lucky 9trike . H 7'ii U'i 0 184365 (NOVFDIDFR 1yTH) -1- (FIRST ROUTINE) (AFTFR COXAffi7CIAL, MGSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : THE USCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, BTARRING JACK BE N VY. . .WITH MRRY LIVINGSTONE, ROCHFSTER, DF]GNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WIISON . . (APPLAUSE . . . MUSIC UP AND DOdN) DON : LADIES AND GFNTLIIAE J . . .TONIGHP JACK BIINNY WILL DO ANOTHER OF HIS T .V . PROGRAMS OVEft THE C .B .S . NEPtr10RK . . .HOWEVER, 1 .EP'S TURN BACK THE CLOCK TO EARLY MORNING AND GO OUT TO JACK'S HOME IN BEVERLY HILIS . (SOUND: (AFTII2 PAUSE) . . . DOOR BUZZER . . . SILNNCE. . .DOOR BUZZPR . . .SEVFRAL FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPENS) HEARN : Good morning, Rochesterr . ROCH: OH . . .GOOD MORNING, MIId44AN . (SOUND : RATTLING OF BOTR7.E3) ROCH: SHHH . . .EASY WITH THOSE BOTTLFS . . .MR . BERPY 15 STILL ASLHRP . HEARN : Okay . . .Here's your order . . .the milk . . .creem. . .butter . . and eggs . ROCR: THANKS . . .BY THE WAY, WB@t YOU CAME UP THE WALK, DID ~~YOU SEE ANY SIGN OF OUR PARROT? HEAAN :4 NO, w111y7 ROCH : EVERY YEAR WF4N 1T GETS CLOSE TO THANK .SOIVING, SHE GEPS SCARID AND BD7E3 FROM US . HEARN : Nope, I didn't see her . . .Well, I've got to be going . ROCH : GOODBYE . . . SEE YOU TOMORROW . JO HTS{01 0184366A 2 8E JACK BIIVNY °ROGRAK 7OVF'MBr32 1 5 , 1 9 53 rTre.nscribed Nov . 12, 1953) JPEIVIN(3 CONNIERCIAL -- CONT'D . ) COLLINB : Luckies taste 'cette,r! CHORU5 : Cleaner, fresner, smoother ! Lucky Strike : Lucky Strike l 00 H rx 1,1 7 0184. 366 HEARN : Oh, say, Rochester? ROCfi : i.1tH? HEARN : Doesn't Mr . Benny do another of his television shows tonight? ROCH : TJH HU7{ . . .THAT'S WZ-1Y I'M LETTING HCM cfi,II SO :ATE . . YGi' FSIOv7, DOING RADIC AND TELEVISION IS QUITE A STRAIN . . .B.'VEw FOR A MAN OF THIRTY-YPIF . HEARN : (I2S7GHING) Who are you tryi^.g to kid•? . . . You've been saying Mr . genny is tL'irty-nine for years . ROCH : I f4VOW, AND I'LL iSEEP RIGHP 3[4 3AYIrdG IT TILL I G'e'P A HENPER OFHER FROM SOME CYPFCR2 COMEDIAN . HEARN : I see what you mee.n . . .Wel1, goodbye . ROCH : GOODBYE . (SCUND : SCREAi( DOOR CLOSES .) ROCH : W F ,L, T RETTE~R PUT TFSS STUFF =N TfG REFRIGERATOR ., . (SOUND : COUPLE _F OOTSTEPS . .RE!N•RIG ERA.TOR DOOR OPINS) MEL : ( S9UAWK) Hello, Brrr (WHIFITLFS IN CI-JZd,ID FASHION) ROCH : 30:LT;I! . . .80 THAT'S WHIIi3 Y0II' 7IE BEE4 RIDING . . •(GOSH, LOOK AT HER SHIVEFI . ) . . .P OLLY, HOWDO YOU FF.EL? MEL : Baby, °_t t s cold outside". (SQIIA*rPti9 AND WHISTI2 S ) ROCR : DOGGONE, POLLY . . .TFIIS IS !CHE S1:COND TIME YOU'VE ffiDDEN IN THE REFRIGERATOR . MFS, : Brrr . . .(SNEE.ZES AND SQiJAWRfS) oID MEL : (SNEEZ^9 AGAIN TWICE, AND SNIFFLES) JO 6^4 T X01 .~iZF, -3- ROCH : HfI2E;~ LEf ME TAKE EOU OUT OF T HEaE . (SOUNn : RFFRIGERATOR DOOR CLOSES) ROCH : I BETTER GIVE YOU SOMSTHING TO KEbP YOU FROM CATCHIN,G COLD . .LEf'S SEE . . . WHAT'S GOOD FOR THAT? . . . MAYBE SOME COGNAC . . .OR HOT MILK . . .YEAH . . .I'LL GIVE YOU SOME HCIi MILK . MEL : 0 Je&,laL', cogtae . (WHISTLHS) ROCH :i "ONAY~tiP~6LL~ Y, I'LL GIVE YOU A L14TLE . (SOUND : CUPBOARD DOOR OPECIS) ROCH: AHFIIi, HERE'S THE COGNAC . . .NON I'LL POUR A LITTLE INTO YOUR DISH. . . (SOUND : LIRTLE POURING) (SOUND : DOOR OPPNS) JACK : Good morning, Rochester . ROCH : GOOD MORNING, MR . BENNY . . .I'LL HAVE YOUR BRF.AKFAST IN JUST A MINUTE . ~S~ JACK : Oh, that's fine, I'% realSy hungry : IT WON'T TAKE LONG . . .I LEP YOU SLEW. ROCH A LITTLE LATER ,~,.~ SE YOU'RE DOING YOUR T .V . SHOA TONIGHC .~ JACK :I~"~" I'm glad you did, Roohester, beoause I bad ihO same dream again . J0 RTH01 0184368 /~c,~. f~~ w~u yv av,c .lw/cl u't~ ~4J+~ a~3-ef -alone -Re . . p~~ 41111e,4~ JACK : . .I counted4the fives, tens, twenties, fifties, hundreds and thousand dollar bills . . .and finally, the total was seven million, C••u , three hundre~,fo'rty-nine thousand, five hundred and sixty dollars . . .Boy what a reliefl ROCH : WHY? JACK : The night before I was two dollars short . . .Gosh, the dresm was so real : IT MUST'VE BEEN . . .WASH. ROCH THE GRSNTI OFF YOUR HANDS AND HAVE YOUR BRFAKFAST . JACK : Okay---Hello, Polly . MEL : Hello, RIC! JACK : Rochester---what's the matter with Polly? ROCH : OH, IT'S A LONG STORY . . .SHE'S STARTING TO CATCH A COLD SO I GAVE HER A LITTLE COGNAC . JACK : Cognac? y7hy didn't you give her bourbon? ROCH: I CAN'T STAND HER WHEN SHE'S GOT WHISKEY ON HER BREATH. JACK : Oh . . .Well, take good care of her while I'm at the ync /rw, studio~ . .I won't want anything to f-'~Pi'•~O -- (SOGND : . DOOR HJZZER) JO RT}S01 0184364 -5- JACK : I'll get it . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . .LY)OR BUZZER) JACK : omi , com . (SOUND : COUFLS FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPINS) JACK : Oh, hello, Dennis . DENNIS : Hello . JACK : How are you feeling, kid? DENNIS : Fine• JACK : What's new? DENNIS : Nothing . JACK : Oh . . .Well, what did you oome over here for? DENNIS : TO say goodl~ye, I'm running away from home ., JACK : Not again, .Dennis, does youi-mother know you're running away from home? DENNIS : It was her idea . JACK : -ah, for heaven's sakea . . .another fight with your mother, eh? DENNIS : Ub huh . - JACK : What happened this time? DENNIS : Well, we were all sitting around the dinner table laughing and having a good time, and then suddenly she lost her temper when I mentioned August 14th, 1924. JACK: What happened that day? DENNIS : That's when I was born . JACK : Oh, ehreh . . .And as soon as you mentioned your birthday, she hit you? , JO arxol 0184370 -5- DENNIS : Yi but she hit my father first . 6K:~ Gee . DENNIS :\Q,f course,, it isn't a11 +.nother's fault . . .she's been feeli~dg very depressed these days . JACK: Why, is thex•e~anything wrong? DENNIS : Well, this is t`he first fall in years that she's been out of work . JACK: Your mother is out of w c xIlc noti . . .h!rvt come? DFSINIB : Since they abolished the tw \platoon system, they don't need her . JACK : Oh, t.hat's a s"name . Hma I used to - ove to see her rip through that' line . ~' DENlVIB : Yeah . .Wel, goodbye, Mr . flenny, I'm leavig- ., . % JACK : Goodbye, Denn3s . . .it's a shame you're l.eaving :2u3ay . . . . ,!~o u won't be able to come to the big party I'm giv ing % f tomorrow . DHaPNIS : Why are you giving a party? JACK :~ Secause you're leaving . ; . Now look, kid, :ahJ donSt ycu--- ROCH : (0B'F) (CALLS) OH, MR . RENIVP . JACK : 41hat is it, Rochester? ROCH : YOUR ffiL9?ff'AST Ia Y.EADY . JACK : Oka•7, I'1 be ^.i.wht there . . .Dennis, have you had your breakfast yet? DENNIS : No . . JACK : Well, why don't you run out and get some while I'm having mine . . .it won't take long . JO arxot 0184371 -7- PREPARED ROCH : NIIt . BENNY, WHEN I HEARD MR . DAY COME IN, I BREAKFA9T FOR HIM, T00 . JACK : Oh . . .We11, Dennia, how about joining me? DENNISNO thanks, I'm not hungry . JACK : But Dennis, you told me you haven't had your breakfast . DENNIS : $ know : Then how . JACK come you're not hungry? DENNIS : I just had lunch . JACK : 6hlr.NC12, i9ok, Dennis . . .if you weren't going to run away . . . .and,you were going to be on the progrem next Sunday, i?`¢ ~ ..~.i DENNIS : "-You!11- JACK : 9eed.,~8ood-.-.3etls-hear-it . ,(APPLAAQE) (DECINIS' SONG . . "YOII .'IY NEVER WALK ALONE" ) (APPLAUSE) JO M rx0 1 0 1 e 43?2 -8- (SECOND ROUTINB) a„/~~' JACK : Dennis, that,song was fine . . .and I know it will be wonderful on the program next Sunday . DENNIS : What do you mean next Sunday . . .IPm~nning away today . JACK : I know, but while you were singing, I recorded it . DENNIS : Gee, for an oldL/man, you don't miss a trick, do you? JACK : Look, DannieA please leave me alone . . .i don't want to be aggravated because I'm supposed to do my television show today . DENNTS~". Your T .V . show . . .who's going to be your guest star? JACK : Johnny Ray . DEf4N IS : (A IA RAY) (SINGS) When your sweetheart, sends a letter of goodbye . . . . JACK : NOW CUT THAT OUT . 6~.,i zi, . :P~i ~J+ . . ..~%4 : ti DENNIS : Gee, you're ,jumpy . . .you'd think it was .~ou who was running away from home . JACK : ~ Why don't you- _l V --- ROCH : (COMING IN) MR . BENNY, POLLY IS STILL SNEEZING . .SHAIS. I CALL TFLm DRUG STORE AND HAVE THGM SEND OVFR SOME NERICINE ; y, JACK : The Dr,ug store? Ca17~ -ng-tbe veterinarian and have him come~over fiere . ROCH : BiPf BOSS, THAT VET CHARGES A LOT OF MONEY FOR HOME, VISITS . JACK: So whn.t . .,yoV know where to send k+Be~Ebill . ROCH : HF S HEE BEE . JACK : What are you laughing at? IR' Arxo 1 0184373 -9- ROCH : IF THE BLUE CROSS EVER FINDS OtPf THAT "POLLY BENNY" ISN'T YOUR DAUGHT&R, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE . JACK : Hmm9 . ~ RCCH : ANYWAY, POLLY DOESN'T NEED 4 W VET, SHE JUST HAS A LITTLE COLD . ~,u DEC]NIS :~ Mr . Benny, can I use your phone? JACK : Yes, Dennis, go ahead . DENNIS : Thanks . I wanta call T .W .A . .I'm gonna get on a plane and go as far away as ~~ JACK :Nowwait a minute)~ Dennis, this has gone-far enough . You pick up that phone and oa11 your mother and tell her that you're sorry and that you're not going to run away from home . DENNIS : But, Mr . Benny . JACK : Do as I say~ , :call t ezd,6u!. DENIVIS : Okay . (SOUET : RECEIVER UP . . . . SEVEN D7ALS) JACK : (OVER DAwING) Silly kid . . .,just before Thanksgiving treating h.s mother like that . . . . _..~ . . . . DENNIS : Hello, Motner . . .This is Dennis~ I'mover at Mr . Benny's . . .uh huh. . .He wanted me to call you and tell you I'm sorry and that I'm not gonna run away from home . . .What? . . .Okay, Goodbye, Mother . (SOtRZ : RECEIVEEt DOWN) JACK : What did she say? DENNIS : She said for you to mind your own business . RTX 01 01 8 4374 -10- JACK : Oh: . .}re11, I don't care what she said, you're sti11 not gonna run away from home . . .And take that~stick ~ with the bundle tied to it off your shoulder~ You ~"look silly . _ ~ ~ DENNiS : Okay . ~ JACK : What ha_ve ou g t id'that bundle, anyway? DENNIS :__-My mother's picture . JACK : Look, (SOUPD : DOOR BUZZE3t_) ROCH : I'LL GET IT, tNt . BENNY . JACK : Okay . (SOL`ND : FOOTSTEPS . . . .DOOR OPENS) - 80CH : OH, HELSlJ, MR . WILSON . DON : Hello, Rochester, #s Mr . Benny up yet? ROCH : UP AND ASSE6IBLED . . .HE'S IN THE DIIY . DON : Thanks . (SGUND : DOOR gLOS 15 . . .FOOmsTSPS ) . DON : /- . Hi, Jack . . .Hello, Dennis . DENNIS :=' He71o . . . . . JACK : He17o,DOn . .I thought I'd see you at the studio . DON : I Imow, but I came over here first . . .I want to see you ~ about a rather personal matter . JACK : .What is it? DON : Well . . .can I talk to you privately? . . .It's . . i#ss . . . confidential . , DENNIS :z Don't mind me, tomorrow I'll be in Pakistan . JACK : Dennis, keep quiet . . .Now what is this personal matter, Don? LR RTX01 01 9 4375 -11- DON : Well, I've broached thr subject to you before . . .it's just tFis . . .I don't like all the jokes you make about my size . JACK : But Don-- DON : Oh, it wasn't so bad on radio because there the listeners couldn't see me . 'rAyi you could even do Lh~oae same jokes about a skinny person . JACK : Well, then wbe.t's your complaint, Don? DONa Now you're doing them on television, and with me standing there, people can see I'm a big tub of blubber . JACK :Don, I'm sorry . DON : '49-'M Being sorry is not enough .I'6 like you to take that . joke out of today's script . JACK : Which joke? DON : The one where you say to me, "Don, are those your chins or are you chswing on a venitian blind? ~~ aL JACK : But Don, it's a wonderful jok e I made~ up . DON : I don't care I want it out .~ JACK: ~ Oka~~, ekeg, I didn't know you were so--- (SOiIIm : PHONE RINGS) _ JACK: Excuse me, Don . (SOUPID : RECEIVH2 UP) JACK: Hello . BOB : (A LI1TL^c WORRIED) Hello, Jack . . .this is Bob . G1o JACK : Oh, Bob what is it? BOB : /~Zl Jack . I'm kind of worried ~ .Frank Remley has disappeared . LR RTX01 018 4 376 JACK : No . BOB : Yeea . .he's been gone for a couple of -daye now, and I'm getting more and more upset . JACK: Did you report his disappearance to the police? BOB : I went there last night . JACK : Well, did you give the police a good deeeription of Frankie? BOB : I didn't have to, they've got his picture,"hta finger prints and his baby shoes . JACK : Baby shoes? Didn't Remley have them bronzed? BOB : Yes, and he used them for brass knu¢kles . JACK : No, kidding . BOB : But Jack, this could be serious . . . JACK : You're right . . .nie.ybe . Frankie has amnesia and has forgotten who he is . . BOB : Oh, I'm not worried about that". he carries an V identification tag with his name, address and also his blood type . - . JACK : -I-dide l"t-knoa-that . . .whst is Frankie's blood type? BOB : Old Crow . JACK : .~~That I should have kno w .j'.Now let's see, Bob . .Just `a second__-'. .where could he have_ gone toy..let me think . . . maybe he__stopped-f-o ra-_ tran9fusion . .or ;.aybe-- MEL : (9@UAWd) .-H#c": . BCB :-"' Jack, Jack, it's Frankie! JACK: That's my parrot 1~ .. Now look, Bob, don't worry abovt Frankie . . .he'll turn up . . .unfortunately he always does . LR Arx 01 01 e 43 >> BCB : ~~ I hope so . . .WeX,So long, Jack . JACK : Goodbye, Bob . . .Gh, wait a minute . BOB : Yes, Jack? JACK : Bob, I almost forgot . . .I want to invite you over to my house for Thanksgiving dinner . BOB : Oh ; thanks, my wife will be so happy . .:.~ . - s invited, too . JACK : Oh, . : .your wife . . .ar. . .oh yres ?I she BOO : And Jack, you know 6Kt it's traditional for parents to take their children with them for Thanksgiving dinner. . JACK : Oh . :the children . . BOB : , Uh huh . ..+c -:.. ., . . JACK : You have five, don't you . BOB : Yes, five . JACK : Well, save your car, it's not far to ThriftgS . .Goodbye, Bob . (BOIINR : AECEIVFR I10WN ) I70N : 5" Jack, I hope I ' m invited over for Thanksgiving dinner, too . JACK : ~-`°Of course you are, Ron . DON : Good . . .there's nothing I love better then turkey . DENNIS : I'm going to have Chow Mein on Thanksgiving . DON : . Chow Mein . . . . IIINNIS : 'By then I'll be in Hong Kong . ;.,.<7 e>. JACK : Dennisr please be quiet . -B9Pt:----Jack;-what!a-this-all-sbovt---Pak]etan; Hong-Kong . 3A6vnh r' no a ; ~~" "~_ru[uSnggwag.Srom-home-agein . lr RT3101 01 8 4378 DENNIS : I'm not silly, I'm serious . . .I'm warning you . . .I'm ~going to run away . . .I)m going to Africa . .and then I'm go'irig-into-the d= st darkest jungle and I'm nevei coming out . JACKiGood, good . . .Only this time, Dennis-- ~-- `~__ . ._._ ._____--__ .____ (SOUND : DOOR BUZZEft) JACK: Now who can that be? _ DON : Oh, it-s probably the Sportsmen quartet4 I told them to meet me here . JACK ; Oh. DON : COME IN . (SOUNID : DOOR OPENS) DON : Je'W Rello, fellows . QUART : AI+QM1hIDM1 . JACiS : Don, why are the boys,`carrying those pistols? a DON ; Show him, fellows : BALiETS. (SOUNR RICOCRBTING) JACK : Don, what's that? DON : Itts a wonderful sound effect Sbet we're going to use in the commercial we're going to do on the show . JACK : Wtat is it? DON : Ricochet Romance . ~ JACK : Oh, , they use the guns? DON : Go ahead, show him fellows . LR RTY{01 0784379 -15- @UART : THEY WARNED ME WHEN YOU HISSED DiE YOUR LOVE WOULD RIC00HET: ' YOUR LIPS WOULD FIND ANOTHt4R AND YOUR HEART WOULD GO ASTRAY I THOUGHT THAT I COULD HOLR YOU WITH ALL MY~•MA•~tdY•~ CHARMS BUP THEN ONE DAY YOU RICOCBE1a"'D. TO SOMEONE EISE'S ARMS AND BPBY I DON'T WANT A RICOCHET ROMANCE I IX7N I T WANT A RICOCHET LOVE IF Y0"JR CARELESS WITH YOUR KISSES FIPN ANOTFIP7; TIktTLE I2OVE . I CAN'T LIVE ON RICOCHET ROMANCE NO, NO, NOT ME IF YOUR GOMNA RICOCHET, BABY I'ld GONNA SET YOU FREE . I KNEW Tf E DAY I N1F.'T YOU YOV HAD A ROVING EYG I THOUGHT THAT I COULD HOLD YOU WHAT A FOOL I WAS TO TRY YOU PR06IISER YOU'D BE FAITHFUL ADID YOU WOULD NEVER STHAY THEN LIRE A RIFLE BUiST:T YOU BEGAN TO RICOCHET BUP BABY I DON'T WANT A RICOCHET ROMANCE I DON'T WANT ARI.C00BEP LOVE . (h10RE) LR arx 01 0184380 $UART : YOU ANL11•E ARE THROUGH FOREVII2 (CONP'R) FINR ANOTHQi TURTLE DOVE THANt6 FOR ALL THOSE GIFTS YOU GAVE ME THOSE LUCKY STRIICES LET'S FORGET ANp LIGHT UP A LUCKY THAT'S THE ONE I LIICE I'LL BE HAPPY PUFFING A LUCKY I CAN COUNT ON LUCKIES, I KNOW ALWAYS WITH ME Wiffiu I TRAVEL FULLY PACIa;D AND READY T0+9W~°"' ALWAYS CLEANER, FRESkER, AND SMOOTHER THE BEST Si'10fSE YET . LET'S BE HAPPY, HAPPY GO LUCKY WHAT A CIGARETTE LET'S BE HAPPY, HAPPY GO LUCKY LET'S LIGHT A LUCKY STRIKE . (APPL4USE) ISi ATYS01 01 8 43 8 1 -17- (THIRD ROUTI.i`U!,_) A,L . !x JACK: -Fel4oxe, thet" was swellh and I know it will eetvid great on the progrem : Thenks, Jack. DON . . .Well, I've got to be'runo9aQ along . .Can I droy you an,yplace, Dennis? C;- c DENNIS : Not unless you're passing Oeseb3enoe . ~ ~ 4, .cC ySY. JACK: Look, Dennis, go with him, go, go, go . (SOUfID : DOOR OPENS & SL4MS SHUP) ROCH: MR. BENNY, YOU BETPER GEf GOING TO THE STUDIO OR YOU' LL BE LATE FOR YOUR TEISVISION SHOW . JACK : Oh yes . I better hurry .__ .__ .._ . --_ RCH: BOSS, LET ME ASK YOU SOMP.THING . -- ] JACK: What? ROCH : WHY DO YOU-WORK SO HARD? JACK: Well-- ROCH: YOU DO RADIO EVERY WEEK . .TEIEUUISION EVERY THRER WEEKS . . PERSONAI:"APFEARANCES, .YOUIRE A GUE$T-STAR ON OTHER PROGRAMS . . AAID BENEFTTS . .THATI S AN AWFUL IpP OF WOHK . JACK: / You ' re right, Rochest e r, I ' ll have to cut out those benefits . . . Well, I'll see you later : OKAY, SO LONG, BOSS . . ROCH JACK : Goodbye . (SOUNf7 : DOOR OPENS) JACK: You know, Rochester, I'm kinde nervoue . .I hope I have a funny television show today . ROCH : OR, YOU DONIT HAVE TO WORRY ABOi/f THAT, BOSS . THE MI'NUfE YOU w'.z COME 0N'STAGE, THE AUDIENCE WILi . START IAUGHING AND SCREAMING . YOU CAN'T MISS . fiTX09 07 8 4382 -18- JACK: What makes you so sure? ROCH : YOU FORGOT TO PUT ON YOUR PANCS . JACK : Well, I ' ll be darned . .I elmost did T .V. in my B .V .D . t s . . . Rochester, get me my trousers . I have to hurry to the studio . ROCH: YES, SIR . (TRANSITION MUSIC) (SOUND : VERY CLASSY AUPOMOBILE MtlTOR) JACK : Gee, these new cars are sensational . . .Power steering . . . windows go up when you press a button . .classy horn . (SOUND : CLASSY HORN) JACK: Gee, I ' m sure glad I waited for a 1954 Cedillac . . .Yes, air . . there eren t t very many of these on the road yet . . . .Well, here I e television city. ---(SOUPID : CAR STOPS . .CAR DOOR OPENS . .APID CLOSES) JACK : Thanks for the lift, mister . (SOUND : AFPER JACK IAOKS BACK AT THE MIKE) CAR DRIVES AWAY) JACK : Well, I better go in . (SOULII7 : FOC/PSTEPS . .DCOR OPENS) HERB : Good afternoon, Mr . Benny . JACK : Well, Mac, whet are you doing here? You used to be the doorman over et the radio studio . HE'RB : Yap, but they transferred me here to Television City . .. \ .. ge.. ~ /Ltt.. . . JACK : Oh . . .es,d--tkny+ve-givea- .you-s_.mv_uniform,ieo. 9H. . .is the '~ makeup man in? HESID : Yes sir. . .and your guest star Johnny Ray is here, too . arx 01 0 184383 JACK : Good . .see you later . i4,PB : eh sey, Mr . Nemiy? JACK : Yes, Mac? FSGRB : Mr . Benny . .how losg aCyo was it that y*ou held the 3 Can 1 t Stand Jack Benny Contest ? SACK : We fixiished that eight years ago . fKRB : Well, Wou ougct to matce an annocncement oe your program, ae keep getting about five hundred letters a week . JACK : 0[e11, at leaet ;.heyrre listners, they couldnIt hete me if they weren't . . .See you later . . . . (SOUlr1'1 : 'V @.LP.II6G FOfJPSTEP$ . .S-ilSTAIN SiV g .G . ) JACK : (HI1M5 9 LTTT TE ) . . . . G ae, Television City is ce.rtainl,v beautiful . :anu it r s ;;ot the latest &tyle archi~ectu-re . . . . The architects put in all3 the '_atest iirprovements . .electric eyes . .sliding we1ls . .thermoststic eir cend.itionin.g . .indirect 7.ighting. .complete so'und-pro fing . .e n t lerkily there l s a ges station on the corner, they forgot the washrooms . . . . .av~a-dressing (2IIIDTS A IJTTTE AIOAr,) . . :i~hzs-exhxat-be-3aru:ny-R r.oom~,- isn~c-vlaat-r.ute . . .:nstecd--oP-~3,^tar,-there's a 1itt7.e wh3te- .•,ioud-on-it- . . (:AUM7 : COUP7n; FOCYPBTMPS) JACK: T_ wonder where my direaor is . . .Oh, stage hand? MEL : (MOOIEY - BLrHI') Yes, Mr . Benny? JACK: Have you seen Mr . Ralph Ievy, my director . i+7EL : Yeah . .there he is wid the camera crew . ?zJ AT}{ o i o 1 a 43`34 -20- JACK : Oh yes,,,Oh, Mr . Isvy, . .Mr. Levy . RALPH : Here I am, Jack . (APPLAUSE) JACK : Mr . Levy, I understand you had some things you wented to G, discuss with me before I go on . RALPH :~~ Yes, Jeck . .it's just a minor thing. . .but whenever you start a television show, end you're out on the stage by yourself . . I notice you always keep putting your hands in your hip pocket . .,This can be very distracting : I'm sorry, Ralph. . .it's a habit . . JACK RALPH : Jack, you're out there alone, your money's safe . JACK : Okey,, .I'11 watch 1t . . .Now Ralph, there are a couple of things I'd like to talk to you about . . RALPH : Whet's that? JACK : Well, so[rs people told me that when they saw me on television during my last show,, I looked kind of old .,and they even det cted a few wrinkles in my face, .,why is that? RALPH : 9h, it's very simple, Jack. .YOu see, vou be l ieve you're thirty-nine, and I He1#eve you're thirty nine, it's just the (camera that's ee-blunt -4i.th_7.ta-opinion, JACK : Hrme, MEL: Excuse me, .0ay, Mr . Levy, should I get the scenery set? RALPH : Yeah, Joe . .arrl Harry . .move those lights in a little closer . . ATd Dick, Dick Fisher, tell the camera man to stand by . . . JACK : ,a Say, Ralph, -- wait a minute--we're not doing a m urder mystery on the show tonight, are we? I}7 arx 01 01 e 4 3 85 -21- AALPH : -OtfS;ourse not, JACK : Then why is that body lying there? RALPH : I don't know . .it's been there since we did our last T,V, show . JACK : Oh.,,excuse me . . . (BOUDID : RECEIVEH UP, .,FIVE DIALi . .RECEIVEf CLICK) BOB : Hello? JACK : Hello, Bob, I found him. (SOUNIJ : RECEIVER DOdN) JACK : . Now Ralph, you can do me a favor. . RALPH : ~I'd be glad to, Jack . .olnet is it? JACK : We1l,,I'got into a little argument with DonWilson today an8d he ' s kind of madat }re .,Bo .,meybe it would make him a little happier if you took a-couple of close-up shots of him on this T .V, show . - ~ ~ RALPH : I can ' t do that, .Jack . '~ JACK : Why not? `~ RALPH : On yourleet program I tried to take a close-upof Don and he looked like he was chewing on a Venetian blind . JACK : Gee,, .and I thought I was making up a joke . MEL : (OFF) Oh, Mr . Iavy, it ' s time for dress rehearsal . RALPH : Okay, Joe .,(CALL,) EVERYBODY STAND BY . . .-Ax~e-yea Tasdy, Jack? JACK: Yes . 3AALPH : Oh, by the way, Jack, I almost forgot - - TACK: What? iALPH : Before you ceme here, I timed the show again snd we were three minutes too long, so I cut out the scene where you play the violin solo . W RTX 0 1 01 8 43 8 6 JACK : Now wait a minute, Ralph . .you can't cut that scene . RALPH : I had to -- I told you, we were three minutes long . JACK: (MAD) Well, we'll cut something else . .you're not taking out my violin DDlo . RALPH : (MAD) Jack, I'm the director and I think it's best for the J show, .the violin is out and that's final . JACK :It's not final . . .I'm going over your head to the producer . RALPH : I'm the producer, too . JACK : Oh yes, I£orgot . .,Hnemwn . .the producer aid the director . . whose idea was it Wmt you should hold down two jobs? v1t RALPH : Yours, you wanted to save,money, JACK : IHremne. .Well, I don't care if you are the producer and the director . . .I'm the star, and I say my violin solo stays ]n . RALPR:1(4-~I say it comes out . JACK: I say it stays in . (SOUND : TSRRIFIC CRASH CF HEAVY WEIG}II' AND TIN, GLASS AND MEPAL FALLING) JACK : (FRIGHPENED) Ralph, Ralph, that big light fell from way up there on that platform~end almost hit me ., . .How could an accident like that happen? RALPH : That was no accident, it's amazing what you cando when you're the producer and director . JACK: Wall , I don't care . .We're going to do it my way . (SOUND : SAME TERRIFIC CRASH) IH Rrxo i a i aase ;, -23- JACK : AL right, we'll do it your way, AALPH : Rhat t s better, JACK : Well, I'll 0o to ey flressing room and change . (SOUND : DEPARTI?SG POrA'9TLPS . .DOOn OPENS & CLOSES) i+LO: (0FF ) ?iey, Nr . Lew,l. nALPH : What is it, Joe? ?rEL : You were ri ght, he's chicken. .,(CALLS) 1.'VEk"LOUY STAP© BY FOR DRESS i9E'H.EA.RS9L.,,5TAND BY, --V=1iYBQDY . (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOFF) EW h37-K:(JI 0 1B 4 9S$ NATIONAL J24- JPCK : I will be back in a minute to tell ;,-ou about my television show which goes on immediately after this program on the CBS Television netyork with my ~'.) est star, Johnny Ray, but iirst, a word to cigarette smokers . . . . smola:ing enjoyment ia all a matter of taste, and t he fact of the matter is Luc ~c ies taste better PACIFIC COAST JACKc I wi11 be back in just a minute to tell you about my television sho*d `.ha.t F:ees on toni ght at 7 P4 over the C55 Televieion network with mrJ guest star, Je-nny Ray, but first, a word to cigarette smokers . . . . smoking enjoyment ].s ai1 a matter of taste, and tne £ect of the matter is l O ckies 'zaste better -- EP H T>C 0 1 0 7 84 38 9 CLCSING COM1SIl2CIPS, -25- CGLL2NS : Luckies r.aste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, amoother! COrsIlVS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother! 7 or Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting Yine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother : Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! W11SCN : Friends, let's cake a good close look at the subject o=' nhy you smoke cigarettes . Think it, over a minute and you O 11 agree that the main reason and probab'iy the only reason you smoke is simply that you enjoy it - you like the taste of a cigarette . Sure -- smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . Luckies taste bett e r -- eleaner, fresher, smoother Yor two very important reasons . One is, LM4FT . . . . Lucd.y Stike means s'yne tobacco . The tobacco in Luckies is fine, naturally mi1d, good-tasting . Another reason for :his~ bett.er taste is tl--si t Luckies are actually mae 6etter -- made round and firm and fu11y packed to draw freely s:nd smoke evenly . Fine tobacco in a better made cigaretta gives you better taste ever ;7 single time . So if you go along vith me that sooking enjoyment is a11 a matter of taste, then Be Happy -- Go Luck ;i . . . .because che fact of the matter is Lur.kies taste better . Get a c arton oY :.ucky Strike and see for yourself . SPORTSNiE[V Be Happy -- Go Lucky :auARTEr : '(i.ong Close) uet better taste today! N7iS 0 7 P 18 433 0 (TAG) -26 .`Qll,c¢ . 4 <~~ . . . .cw, .~>v ~'~ . JACK : Lsdies and gentlemen? . .toniOght I'm doing my ~ on the CBS '£elerleivn Network, and, ae- 1 -said, my guest star will be Johnny Ray and we're going to -- (SOUND : PHONE RINGS) JACK :-'~ Excuse me . (SOUND : RPDEIVFR UP) JACK : Hello . . . .Oh, Johnny . . .are you at Television City? . . .You aren't? . . . . 41e1l, where are you? . . . . on the corner of --- What are you doing there? . . . . Gh, you're waiting for a 1954 Cadillac, too . . .Well, get here as soon as you can . . .Goodbye Johnny. (SOUND : RPEEIVPR DCHN) JACK : Goodnight, folks, see you in thirty seconds . (PACIFIC COAST) JACK : Goodnight, folks, see you at seven o'clock . (APPLAUSE AND MUSIC) EP RT 901 0184391 - 2 7- .lt Josefsberg, DON : The Jack Benny Show tooi ght was mritten by Mi John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and producei and transcribed by HY1liard Marks . Be sure to hear The American Way ~4 1th Horace Feidt for Luck-y 8trike every Thursday over this same ctation . Consult your newspaper for the time . The Jack Benny Program aas brough.t to you by Lucky Strike product of the American 'Sobacco Comnany . . . . . America's ieading manufacturer of cigarettes . EP Wi" MC.~I 11) 'f 84 :4 92 rROCRAx #11 ~R~Q EVI9E/~D~SCRIPT ~/7 ' -YeLPl~ " AME[iICAH TOBACCO COMPANY LUCIkY STRIII6 THE JACK BENNY PROCRAM SUNDAY, NCVFbIDFR 22, 1953 CBS 4 :00-4 :30 PM PST _ (TRANSCRIBED NOV . 19, 1953 ) BR Ri3101 0184393 OpENING COPOO~RCI?S, WII.SON : The uack Benny prort^am . . .transcribed sr.d presented qy Lucky Strilro! COLLINS: Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother COLLSNS : Luckies taste "oetter CHORLd : Gleaner, fresher, smcother Por Lud.cy Strike npans fine tobacco Richer tasting fiee to"oacca CuLiSNS : Luckies tasCe better CHORUS : Cleaner, fTesher, sn:octher Luoky Strike Lucks Strike you WILSON : This i.s Sbn YIi'-son, friends, there's no question, em;ke for enjoyment -- the enjoyment ,rou Ret from the taste of a ci.garette . 3vre, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste, And the fact of the matter is Laokies caste better . yes, Lvek'es taste better -- cleaner, fresher, smoother -_ and there are two very yood reasons why . First, as everyone in Amerl.ca knows, IS/NP'P -- Luclq Strike means fine tobacco-- light, naturally mild, gecd tasting tobacco . Second, Luckies are made better . They ' re ro+.md, firm, fully packed, eo they~ll draw freely and ameke evenly . F'ine tobacco 'Cr, a better made ci g arette just 7aturally adds up t.o better taste . y,ew oioer, smokins enjoyment '-s all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . So, Ue happy -- ~o Lucky . Ay'.c f^r',a cartcn of Luckcy St.rike and find out for yoaree7.f that Luckies really do taste better . COli[SNS : Luckies tasCs better CHORUS : Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky Strike Lucky Strike GH t?T X0 1 C1 ~ 18 439 4 -1- (PIRST ROUTINE ) (AFTER CONpMP2:ZCIAL, MUSIC UP AND LOWN ) DON : THE LUCKY STRTFLF PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BEIa7Y . .WITH MARY IIVINGSTONE, ROCE ESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOL,23 TRULY" DJN WILSON . (APPLAUSE. .MUSIC UP AND i.~UWN) DON• LADIPS AND GIIVTI EME V, I'D I~ TO TAKE YOU BACK A WEEK TO LAST SUND4Y WHERE JACK BENNY HAS JUST FINISHED HIS TEIEVISION SHOW. .AND AS USUAL, AFTER A T .V . S3EJW, JACK LIILE4 TO RELAX BY WAIdQNG HO ME . (SOUND: TRAFFIC NOISE9 . .F00TSTEPS) K w JACK : I feel good . .I don't~why I was so nervous all through my television show . .Everyone was so good .,Aefd Johnny Ray was just sensational . .A"Glbe audience was gxeat, too .It~s not often you get a happy audience like that ., ~zThey ]aahed and ~ at evergt~hing. . .That was a good idee Remley had of :' .~G~rwe H,.a .1cL,:t -. serving tbem d-rteks before the shoW .~,: .I like being on television . . .I can hardly wait till I appear on the Omnibus Program on November 29th . . .14.44! Be nice to do something dramatic for a change . . .Gee, I've acoomplished a lot for a man of thirty-nine . . . . .I wonder how old I really am . . . Let's see, I've been in show business thirty-five years and I was four when I started . . .that's right, thirty-nine . . .Next year I'll have been in show business thirty-six years . .thet'll make me three when I started . . . . Gee, three years from now I'm gonna be in trouble. . .But what's the difference, as long as you feel -- LW flrxoy 0184395 ,dACK : Oons . .Say, why don't you watch where you ' re goir w ? , iIFBAN : H'ya, Rube . JACK :Weil, it's my friend from Calabasas . .What are ~doinu- Yisre in -- cs Angeles? HFARN : Rnbbl.n' my eyes, sa m e as everybody else . JP.CK : Oh, tku•~t's ftE4R^I : For a citV~trat don't grow nuthir, y7csure got a lotta smudgin' goia! an . .fiow are tL-ngs back in Calabasas? JACK : Yes ;ies . ~ 1jF?RN : Pretty good . . .Bee[S\rrakin' epeeches all month . i -]'ACK : Speectes? , KT, ARN : Yup . = ran =or mayor . \The election '.ras yesterdey . JACK : Mayor of Calabasas? tIow~\.did you make aut? Yn,ARN : I don't lmow . .we're still \ tin' for the rural vote r .o come in . JACK : Oh, of course, tPE rural vote . \Ctei1, tell me, did 3oc put on a good caot_[r.ign? '~ HEARN : Oh yes . I we5t around to each farmer,ir.di.v'_duaily and asked him .4ibat his biggest problem was), _ JACK: I sea . :und wrP,t is the farmer's bigges \problem? IfcA.AN : i'raveYing salesmen . '\ JACK : On .tWei1, Secretary 3enson wi11 certainly lit glad to hear tKat . F~'.PRIQ : ,"dcll, I better get goin' . .klave to round un my aiPe . I ~ JACK: Oh, your wife's with yon . ~ FFAffTI : 'iep . Sre's on a shopoin' spree . Kvery hime she comes to ~ the city, she goes hog wild . HH Hl" :S 0 9 DiB 43 9 6 -3- JACK: No kidding . , tfl±4RN : Iea r she bought a hundred e .nd twenty . . Hee hee hee . .Haard e Cooley pull th~t prfe . . .You oughta catch that boy . Now there's\ com4ian . I JACK: Yeah . .yeah. REARN : Well, so lohg; Rube . JACK : So 1 (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS START AND CONTINUE) JTACI( What a character . I worder why he always calls va Rube : (SOUND : BUS MOTOR APPROACHING AND STOPS) JACK : Oh-oh, there's the bus . (SOUNR : RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) JACK : HEY, WAIT! WAIT FOR ME! (SOUND : BUS DOOR CIASING) JACK : Ouch! (SOM : BUS PULLS AWAY FAST) JACK: Smart alec driver . .that's the third one he's snatched off my headthis month . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS START AND CONTINUE) JACK : Oh we11 . .I didn't want to ride the bus anyway . .It's so depressing to put a dime in a machine and not have anything ..hc come out . . . . Say, that would be a good'gag for reoio show next week . .the people love those jokes that make me seem cheap . . .I must sell it to my~~+~y'i+t~ers . . . . Gee, I must've walked fast . Here's Dennis'~ liouse and he lives pretty close to me . I'd go in and iay "hello" to him but his mother and I don't get along . . . .Oh-oh, I can see her through the window . .she's just walking into the living roort . ~OARD FADE) BH AT)S01 0184397 -4- 2~c, d~Y r DENNIS: Mother, program-~b aa=bden over for fi£toen minutes . vgB[.}p ; Lje11, ttuinK goodness : DENNIS : Mother, why do you always leave the room when Mr . lw:n:y'n T.V . program is on? VERNA : I can't resist the urge to ktck him in the teeth and television sets cost money . DENNIS : Oh . . .Say, what's that you're knitting? VERNA : It ' s the sweater I promised you . . - t on so I can see how it'11 look . DENNIS : Okay . . . boy, I've always wanted a turtleneck sweater . ' VERNA: That'e not a t eneck sweater, you put your head through the sleeve . DBNNIS: Oh . . . VERNA: But don't wworry, it'1l shrink when you-wae\t . DENNIS : .-The sleeve? VERMA : No, your head . . .Now take the aweater off and let me finlat\i it . DENN~ . . .Gosh, Mother, you're so nice to rts . . .I wish Y could do something for you to show my appreciation, but you know what Mr . Benny pays me . VERNA: Yes, I know . .and after fifteen years I think it's high time you got a raise . DENNIS : 6ee', Mother0 I've wanted to ask him for a raise a hundred times, but I can never catch himin a good mood . VERNA : Well, when is he in a good mood? LIENNIS : When he's cutting someone's salary . VEHNA: Dennis, I just can't understend vhy you keep worlring for that blue-eyed piPchpenny . (Ig ATK 0 1 0 1 84398 -5- DENNIS : -0ft,~_~' c has its compensations . VEftNA : Compensations? IENiVIS : Yeah, I'm slowly driving him nuts . VERNA : (IIATED) Dennis, are you really? DENNIS :,.~ Yeah, eaffi I'm gonna have some fun with him today, too . VERNA :~?. What are you going to do? DENNIS : Well, when he gets home, I'm gonna keep calling him on the phone and pretend I'm different celebrities and tell him how great he was on television today . VERNA : Oh goody . .he6s such a ham, I bet he falls for it shnook, line, and sinker . DENNIS : Yeah . . .I'll make out first that I t m Roneld Colmen . VERNA : Ronald Colman? DENNIS : (AS CCIIhhAIV) Ah yes, Benita, I think re hsve something here . I can hardly wait til canhead gets home from the studio . VERNA : Well . Dennis, he won-t be home for a few minutes, so while you're waiting, you better rehearse the song you're going to do on the program . are-aBout ]d '+ * w o- uc.~+wL : ~1~ey (APPIAUSE)(DENNIS'S SONG -- "MANY TIMES") (APPIAUSE) BH Ar 9 01 0184399 (SECOND ROVfINE) (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS) . JACK : Well, here I am home at lest . Gee, that was a long walk . $Thought I'd never get--Oh, there's my new gerdener . . .(UP) Oh, Jerome . .Jerome .I~vrbeen. wanting to talk to him . MEL : (MOOIDY) Duh, hello, Mr . Benny . JACK : Jerome, I hete to complain, but this front yerd of mir .e is a mess, Since I hired you, nothing seems to be growing rlght . MEL: Well, to tell you the truth, Mr . Benny, I never shoulde taken this job . JACK : Why not? MEL: I'm a flower man, .I don't know nothin' about vegetables . JACK : But, Jerome, -- MEL : Look at your frent yard•••••• .oarrots, celery, tomatoes, potatoes . . JACK : But . . L~a t4 ~ MEL : Eggplant, 3ABIf:--But- - MEL : 4tatabsgasy lettuce, persnips, artichokes, JACK: But -- MEL: Not one lousy oetunia in the whole olace, JACK : Yiho eats uetunies?, . ., .Look. Jerorce, just do ths best you can. MEL : I will, I will . (SOUNID : FEW FOOTSTEPS) . CB AT 90 1 0184400 - 7 - J3M-Iq_ ~ JACK : If Fs couldn't_hendle..it. M[tly .didn't_he..tell me before I bought the p1ow . .Oh, well . . (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) ROCH : OH, MR . BENNY . .MP . BENNY. . JACK: What is it, Rochester? ROCH : THERE'.~S A PHONE CALL FOR YOU . JACK: Ch. . Cb . . . (SOUf61 : FOOTSTEPS UP STEPS RAPIDLY . .DOOR CLOSES . . FAST FOOLSTEPS) JACK : Hello . DENNIS : (FIiTF.R) (AS COIMAN) Rello, is that you, Jack old boy? JACK : Yes . . .Who is this? DENNIS : This is Roneld Colman, JACK: Well, RONN7E : . .How are you? DENNIS : Fine, Jeck . .I called to tell you that I saw your T .V . show todey an~;you~ were absolutely wonderful. JACK : Oh, Ronnie you+re7 just ~--- ~ nr~,~_ F G- DENNIS : No, no~,i mean it, Jack . .If I were King and Benita were queen, vcu would be our court jester . JACK: Oh, Ronnie, thet'sn~ lly sweet of you, but I wasn't that good . DENNIS: Ah yes, you were, Jack . JACK: Well, thank you, .thank you very much, Ronnie . . .You know, Ronnie, it's strange, but I've always had a silly notion that you didn't like me . DENNIS : On the contrary, Jack, I've always thought of you as quite a pleasant shlsmiel . CB ArKO 1 o i e44o1 7ACK : 4fhat? .`.f-R~7nie2 .te c:ara~-me--t~=vey-en- 1' ve-M'ot_te.. r4mg._o•,r „c„ T+eni .e veater-sk~s-4~ai5Pfr,G-=-er~r.u . JACK : -Gk. .WeI1, thanks again for calling, Ronnie . I'm so glad you lilced my eh-ow . DENdIS : Well, I just had to call and tell you . .Goodoye, Jack . JACK : Goodbye . (SOUIID : PHOPIE 4ECEMF12 DOW1Q) JACK: Rochester, 3ou'll =~ver zuessw who'iizxt-- Oh hello, i4sry, rrhen dld jou eome in? D1AAY : Rochester let s in while you were on the phone . ~7A~CK : 0'n . .You Imow, Mary, tht w .3s Fona'i3 Co~Wii wH6-eSlYed.----, PdARY :`., ^hat's funnl', T- didn't hear you say snyth-^.g about givi 9 1t~ 'eeck . JACK : Gillang atnat back? MARY : I don't Y,n.ow, whetever you bnrrowed . JACK : Msry, it so';en_pens Ronnie celler) xm?, for 'che solH purpose of compiimentLng, 'l+e on nry televisior_ shoa . .I titnk it v;as .ery considerate oY i>ar. .sndRachesber; I want ycu to see thzt the Co7iaans get back`ev_ ar!, t hing I've borrowed from LheID . ~ ~ ROCH : AW, BOSS . IT' k" BH-aNE 'f0U DIDid'i`LEC .":~r- "_'0 DO THAT A iT4W nAv_g AGO . , ~ J:4CK: Why7 ~~ ROCH : TY.EY/FI?Y4LL'I GAVE UP A2ID REFOftPQ= mhEIg HOFSE, Ft}' X0 7 0 7844 02 9- 7ACg~ , , -no-eense-tsrboth--oP as'doi~'it . . (SOUAID : DOOR BULZER) _ JACK : ~4 Rochester, see whots et the door : YES, SIR . . ~aROCH I w JACK ; Incidentally, Mary, what did you think of my tals+#aon show? MARY : r!~To tell you the truth, Jack, I was so upset about my maid Pauline that I couldn't concentrate on the show . JACK : What ' s the matter with Pauline? I thought you liked her . MARY ; Well, she is very nice, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to let her go . JACK : Really, Mary? MARY: Yes . She ' s always been sort of man-crazy but lately it ' s getting so a good-looking fellow cen 1 t walk by the house without bar sticking her head ou% the w,ndow . JACK: Well Mary, what's wrong with that? MARY: She forgets to open it . Jf1aYf WheW MARY : So fer this month she ' s hed to pay for six windows end twelve stitches . JACK : Well, as long as she pays for it . MARY : Yes, but I.suffer, too . When she wes going around with . that baker, I had bread all over the house . .When she was sweet on the butcher, we had meet four timss a day . .When she fell for the milkman, we never had less than 26 quaxts of milk in the refrigerator . But now I'm really worrisd. CB flTX01 0184403 -10- JACK : Why? MARY : This morning I saw her making eyes at the garbage aan . JACK : Well, Mary, she's been with you so long, I hate to see RCCH : EXCIIS"c ME, BOSS . I7y40 MR . WARMERr..HE WANfS TO SEE YOU PRIVATrLY, HE'5 WAITING IN THI3 DEN . JACK : Werner? ROCH : MR . JACK WARNER 0$ WARNER BROPHERS STUDIOS . JACK : Oh, Jack Werner~.9.i'gxcuse me a minute, Mary . (SOUNO : FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS) JACK : We11, .Mr . Warner . WARNER : Hello, Jack . (APPLAUSE) -- JACK: Well, how heve you been, Mr . Werner . .long tima no see . WARNER : ADed . .You know, Jeck, I just heard the news about your making an appearance on the Ortmibus program . JACK: : Yes, Mr . Werner, on November 29th . .Aed I'm going to do The Horn Blows it Midnight . WARNER : 'PM 's whet I wants@ to talk to you about . JACK : Whet? WARNER : Look, Jack, you made that picture for us in 1944, didn't you? JACK : That's right . It was for the Werner Brothers . WARNER : Well, since than our studio has produced "Street Car Nemad Desire", ", "House of Vex", ~p1^ y"Celamity Jane", end this year I'm sure our picture "So Big" will be up for an Academy WAvard . CS A rx 01 01 8 4404 JACK : So? WARNER : So we're rolling again, let us alone . JACK: Now just a minute, Mr . Warner . .How can you say that? You yourself told me ~nat when The Horn Blows At Midnight was ehown in Hollywood, the theatre made money . WARNER : That's because we rented out the balcony as a trailer Camp . JACK : But Mr . Warner, you can't put all the blams on me . .When you did that picture, you made one big mistake . WARNER : I know, we put film Sn the camara . JACK: ~Mr . Warner, that's an old joke . WARNER? 7f I had anything new . I'da put it in the picture . JACK: Well, I'm sorry, but I still think it's a great story . And if you Ls9 listened to me while we were making it, The Horn Blows At Midnight would've been a terrific hit . WARNER: Jack, we tried evezgthing. .we even spent €dwa hundred ~.+-. thousand dollars for a new finish ard nobody ever stayed to see it . JACK: Well, that's not my fault . .and you'11 see, it's going to be great on television when I do it on Oomibus . WARNER : All right, Jack . .if you won't listen to reason, maybe you'll listen to this . .We'11 give you five thousand dollars not to do it . JACK : No : WARNf.B : Ten thousan3 dollars . JF pru 01 01 e 4405 -12- JACK : T'm sorrv . Mr . Warner but momv means nothina to me . WARNER ; I've got to listen to the repeat show arcl see if I really heard that . JACK ; What? , a4ll ( , 4 jt WARNER : Look, Jack, here's my f7.na1 offer . .My brotherfHarry etrl . ,- p~ are willing to take you into the firm, and make you one of the Warner Brothers . ~ JACK : No . . .efraid not . .That means I'd have to change my neme . WARNER : If you do the picture, ve're going to cAangG-etlk'D . ' JACK. I'm sorry, but my mind 1s mede up . .I'm going to dp the Horn Blows At Midnight on televisic n , arr] that's final, Mr . Werner ; WARNER : Just call va Sam Goldwyn . JACK: Whet? WARNER : Goodbye, Jack . (FOOrSTEPS. .D00R OPEN & SHVP) JACK: &mn. . (SOLTID : FOCItSTEPS) MARY : Jack, what did Mr. Warner want? JACK : Oh, he heard that I wes going to do The Horn Blows At Midnight on Omnibus end he's trying to stop me . MARY : Stop you? JACK : Yes, I don't know why . .he admitted himself he's back on ~ his feet : Certeinly. ~ MARY ; you've dons pictures for etuiios that have ` never recovered . Th+c n~r~tnxi . , I ~aU~. /u"n° -`'~1 a.!~^'+t• "7N1~ !~~_CI .~aL' Cjey+,~ ,(9 ~ ULev2 UG/Wii : ~ KGi. LW ~ % . N . A (/ !` arxo l 0194406 JACK: Why, certainly . . .A.fter all --- (SOi7ND : YHOMD PINOS) JACiC : "~ Pxcuse me . (aC'srIQD : P,&,L,Iln.;.'-I UT) JACK: He11c . DINNIS : (F'IIA'B'd7) (AS DURP1VTi) Hello, Jack, this is Jir,acy Darante spee.kinc . JACtC : JYmmyl• .-@ash, it's good to hear frem you . DF34NIS : h'ell, pay close attention cause I'm calling lery; c ~ stance . JACK : iong di stance? Iir~'~RVIS : Yeah, my shnozz is hetween me ati3 . C:e nouthplece . .+A HA fW . . I GOT A Y~;.ii?HIU OF 'i:N[, A HUiVDFED "uF '].Yft. JACK: Jimmy, - taouC ht you had a million of 'em . L-•W14IS : 1 did, but I- 'rz usin' 'em up in t,e,levi-ion . JACK : Oh . DL'L7NIS : 5ut to come to the pernt, Jock, I,just had to tell you how great you were today . JACK : You mean on mY T?i . •~~how? t:M-IS : Ycah, your performance not only vtarme3 5he cocktails of ay heart, but it aas ea hi.strionic triumph of stupencious, collosial, maHCotude . JACff : Jimmy, you've never pa13 me each compliments . LFr'VNIS : And I l.+on't aGain, I just fractured my tonu' u a, .Fle1l,0otta hang up now, I'm 1 ~ te . JACK : tdriere are you goicu3? Ci1VT12S : To Clifton Fadiman's '_, ouse, ;ee plzy Scrabble toni,r_t . JACK. : Oh, wei1, thanks oery much, Jimmy . Pm sure g1a9 you 1iked my show . . .So lonk . JF RTXC)i tl7N411.0r' DENNIS : And on ah revoo to you, too . (SOUPID : REECEIVER DQdN) JACK : Mary . . .th1s is amazing . 61QRY : 41het's amazing, Jack? JACK~~ First Ronald Colman calls, now Jimmy Durante eed3s . .en1 they both just raved about my T .V . show . MARY : Well, it wa~ good, Jeck . JACK : Good! It was a histrionic triumph of superdious, colosiel maggotude . . . . . Tiaet.xe-wes--4~wee . .You know, when-w~h fellow perfortrers praise you, it gives you such a good feeling. (SOilim : DOOR BUZZER) JACK: Cose in. (SOOFm : D0M OPENS) - JACK : We11 . .Don. .erx1 the Sportsmen Quartet .,COme on in, fellows . (BOUND : DOOR CLQSES) DON : Hello, Jeck . .Bi, Mary . MARY : Hello, Don. DON : Say, Jack, the quartet can only -- JACK : Wait a minute, Dony~before yo say a word, I want to tell you how wonderful you were on our television show . .the way you denced! . . .Where did you learn to dence like that? DON : From Arthur Murray . JACK: Oh. . .Sey, Don, they really have some beautiful girls teaching dancing tYSre, dontt they? DON : I don't know . CB prxo 1 o 1944 o 8 -1wA- 11/22/53 "41E'RE LATE" W'E I s7F. LA'PE? WY t RE r.pTE? We. I F.E, SORRY EPP i+'I;'ZE ?hTE! WE HAzTE A TIGKET FOR A :>:ICv! WE'RE VERY I P TE WE HAVE TO GO WE W2.nT i. . SEE THIS THING ^HE•Y CALL ^_ARr:n-D WE'LL OROWD YOU IN IF YOU WOULD L'Plul TO JOIN US MISTER B THEY SSY IN ALA30.MA CINERR AVd1 13 - HIT . iN CAROLIME '1017 STA'tTil IN TS.I6 YOU 9IM'LY C:AN'^_ GF:1 I Ni0 TC . 'vlEIHE 07 P OF PRY-ATH AS YOU CAN F74ISILY >EE TTN ONLY THING THAT WE CAN SAY ` S S.3/DfFT, PE HAPPY AN 7 G0 LUCKY EVERYBODY SHOUIJ F1^ HAPPY ANU GO LUCSiY THEY'RF. GREAT ,^HhY'F,'i', GREA'2 WR f2EALLY aAP]T A VTATE (MOSiE ) W- r4 0 1 0 1 84 ,4 .os A -15- JACK : Who did you dance with? . DON: Arthur Murray . JACK : Oh. .oh . DON: Now Jack, the Sportsmen ara in an awful rush, end they'd like you to Feer the covumrcial for next Sunday so they cen get away . JACK : All right, Don, I'd be glad to listen„but why are they in such a rush? DON : Well, they got tickets for Cinerama agt} it sterts in a few lninutes and they don't went to be late . JACK : iFag2, J~en why didn't they come over earlier? DON : Ehey didn't know they were going to the theatre till just a little while ago . JACK : -&ut Wi t a minute, Don, .et the last minute, how could they get four seats? DON : I gave them gy ticket . JACK : Oh. .With that they can even take their wives . . .Well, all right, Don, let's hear the conmercial . DON :D They've gotta make it fast, Jack, or they +11 be late . JACK : A11 right, all right . DON : Take it, fellows, (INPO 'WE'RE IATE" COMIMCIAL) (APP7AU8E ) CS Rrx 0 1 0184409 -15D- '_1/22/53 'b1E'RE'd1TE" (CONTINUED) YOU CAN NCf' BEAT k LUCKZ STR?G ; TPL1Y'RE GREAT TIR;Y'RE C;PEAT = i'RA P.EALLY GRRAT A lE) WT3E1V ZOC PUFF _d0 PUFT IS E~ R-T NO r :'-,4:R OTGA.FS:TTE CSMPARES 1dP'fi LECKTES BURc E ;lOIIC=ri . NCW LUCX_Y STftII9i MEANS FINE 'I'(.BACCO L . 5 . M . F . T . A BETT'='R TASTI^?G Cr-CAaEPiE W TP.H THAT YOU WILL AGt2N'.E BvT NC4lWEHAVITOGO b!E ?-L4VE TO =, A SHWf CAPd'T E4Etd SAY GOODBYE F.~~iLC Y!'±'.'°.r^E i'II?Y VEnY LA TE YOU ]^RAS WE'FE LATE (DIM OFF MIICE ) 47E'RE La'PE Wt,'RE LATE WE'RE I,ATE idE'RE LTE ~~UIT'~ LATE (DOOR SLAM) 19 T .'+{U 1 0 1 84 4 1 0 -16- (TFIIRD ROUTINE) (SOUSYD : DOOR ,d AM) ~~~~ 6 JACK : Gee, Don, they finished the song an~ sre gone already . They really were in a hurry . DON : Yeah . JACK : Say, Rochester, while the boys were singing, didn't I hear somebody at the back door ? ROCH : UH RUH. . .HIItE . 0 . BFS]NY, THIS IS YOURS . . .THg BUS DRIVII2 DROPPED IT OFF . JACK : ~,/}•t least he didn't run over it like he did the last time . 3ACi~i -Neven m4tt&. • • 1 (SCUND : DOOR ffiJZZII2 ) ROCH : I'LL GII' IT . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS . . .DOGR CPFNS) ROCH : OR, HELLO, MR . CROSBY . BOB : Hello, Rochester . . .is the funny man at home? ROOH : YES, SIR . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS ) JACK : A Hello, Bob . . . . come on in. BOB : H'ya, Jack . .Hello, Mary . .Hi, Don . MARY & DON : Hello, Bob. JACK : Hey, Bob, thst's a nice suit you're wearing . BOB : Thenke . RT}l01 0184411 -17- JACK : , WhatA kind of a flower is that in your lapel? BOB : J -t-An artichoke . I picked it in your front yard . JACK : Oh . BOB : For a minute I thought I was in the Farmer's Market . : All right, a11-nSght••What did you come over for, Bob? JACK ~.act! BOB : Well Jack, I was going to call . . .bu% my wife insisted that I should mention this to you in person . JACK : Well, wives know best . .What is it, Bob, what is it, what is it? gOg: r ffla?-a-1-ii.Gle-s4i-ly~-Yrontof--HOtrend-Hary- JACK:-•What`s-Che-diTference; Bob; we•re-s33-Yriends~.now-what . BOB : Well, Jack . .I'm still being paid by the week, aren't I? JACK-:--i[uh?- ..C,.° :-~Q-id3!at-a6'ri3--be3nB-patd , JACK : Of course, Bob, that's the way I pay all the members of my cast . BOB : Well, I sort of hate to mention it . .but this is our eleventh show this season and I'm a little behind . JACK : Oh, well, Bob, sometimes there are slight, unavoidable delays• . .the mail is late . .or the accounting department slows up a little . How many checks have you gotten? BOB : Two . JACK: Only two checks all season? BOB : That's right . JACK : Bob, I don't ]mow what to say . . . .This is terribly embarrassing . you should call my business manager immediately . FiiSS01 0184412 -18 BOB : already did . I told him I've received two checks this whole season . JACK : What did he say? BOB : "Congratulations, I only got one ." JACK : Well, Bob, aometimes we do get a little behind, but sooner or later everyone gets paid up . unav . rg; J~-rigHE-s- . . lgetting checks . JACK : I flniehed w i lsat year „-•But Bob, you don't have to worry because I'}1-personel ~c r,e of this first thing,lcrthe morning . ~ -BBB: 3-`+#eh you-ws~rld• (BOUfR7 : PHONE RINGS) JACK : Woops, there's the phone again. (BOUND : RECEIVER UP) JACK : Hello . DINNIB : (FR2`ER) (AS CANTOR) Hello, Jeck, this is Eddie . JACK : Who? DENNIS : F]idle Cantor . . .You knov . .(SINGS) IB YOU ffiIEW SUSIE, LIKE I KNOd SUSIE, OH, OH, OH, W11AT A'--- JACK : Eddie . . .F ddie, I know you . . . . How are you, E1die? DE VNIS : Fine, Jack . .I just wanted to tell you that you were magnificent today on your TV Show, simply magaificentf pT 1i01 0184413 -19- JACK : Well thanks Dddie, I just can't tell you what this call means . . . .It gives me a real thrill . DIIJNIS : I thought it would . . .He3.}~I . ,- . t + y_ -mer DENNIS : Sb-loryyr.Jeck . JACK: So long, Dddie . (SOUND: RDC=i DC41N ) JACK : Well, this is reallyA something . First Ronald Colman congratulated me, then Jimmy Durante, and-now Eddie Cantor . MARY : Did I,dd,p like your show, too? JACK : He was nuts about lt . ` .' ~`o--o--:-lght . JACK: Gee, I feel so good, I want to give a narty . . .Say, why don't you kids come down to the Brown Derby an1 have dinner on me? How about St, huh? BOB : r`% - The Brown Derby? That sounds g ood to me . ~dh8t~a ou , o Jb` Rr){ 0 1 0 164414 -20- JA`Mary? MARY : We11 . . .1~t ov, Jack. JACK : Why not? I'll pay for-eveC.ything . MARY : Thet's it . .You're in such a good mo hy spoil it? JACK : LooK, if I didn't want to, I aouldn't have a gted .it . / ~ NiARYo Welli okaV . than . `~__ __ _ DON : We can all go in my car . . JACK : Good . . .Oh, wait a minute . . . . ROCHESTII2 . ROCH : (OFF) YE9, BOSS . JACK : IF TIERB AR8 ANY MORE CAISS FOR ME, TII.L THFM THEY CAN REACH ME AT THE BROdN DERBY . ROCH: OKAY . JACK: Well, come on, everybody. . .a.H remember, this dinner party's on me. (TRANSITION MUBIC) ~(80UND :CLINK OF DISHES AND SILVfl2WFAR) JACK; .~ 9ou sure you ordered what you vant, Mary? MARY :~' Yes, I haven't hed lobster for a long time . BOH :'~d jI can hardly walt to get at that wild duck . JACK : Well, it won't be long . .Don's still ordering . DON : And valter, I want -Me large salad vith whole egg mayonnaise . / MEL : Very good, Mr . Wilson, and we have baked potatoes, mashed, and French fries .. L:~C i ~ DON : That'll be fine . .Au# I'll have the, large~-Tc'Bone steak, a small filet mignon, a side of spaghetti, carrots, peas-- JACK: Waiter, I thought I told you to put it all on one check . A rx 01 0 184 4 15 -21- MEL: The way he's or3ering, I'm lucky if I can get it on three . __ JACK : Well, keep ordering, Don . . .I don't want any of you to hold back, it's all on me . MARY : Say, Jack . . .Isn't that Jimmy Stewart over at tha~ table? hw .,.t~. JACK : JimnSy Stewart? . . Hey, you're right, Mary4 ., think I'll go ,y( over and say "hello" to him . bIGL : There's a phone call for you, Mr . Benny . . .I'11 plug it in here . JACK :n Thank you . (SOUND : RiCLIVCR UP) JACK : Hello . DFNNIS : (FILTCR) (AS STOfART) Hello, Jack . . .this is Jimmy Stewart . JACK : What? DENNIS : I was sitting home and I got such a thrill out of your TV Show that I just had to call and tell you hov great I thougnt you were . JACK: Well, Jimmy, that's rery --- wait a minute . . Jimmy Stewart'. DENNIS : Yeah . JACK : -P}v~r•qalt e-m4neta, you can't be Jiv¢qv Stewart becauue he's sitting right here in the Brown Derby . I'm looking at him right now . DINNIS : (AS C0I1MN) Ah Benita, we went one too far . JACK: Dennis, it's you . DENNIS : (AS CANTOR) IF YOU KNLii 11NNNIS LIIKP I tINOII DIIJNIS, OH, OH -- JACK: Dennis, if you've been calling me all afternoon, I'm gonna -- DIIVNIS : (AS DURANTL) Goo3night, Mrs . Calabash, wherever you are . (SOUND: PHONE SIAtMffiD DOWN) JF Hrx 01 0 1 e 4416 _p2_ 44 ~~ . . JACK: THAT DOES IT . . .IT WA4 ALL A TRICK . .WAITER, HOLD THE ORDERS, HOLD THE ORDERS . MAW : Jack, you're maKing a scene . JACK : I DON'T CARE . CANCEL THE STEAKS, DON'T KILL THE DUCA , THAT'S T1E DIRTIPST TRICK ANYONE HAS EVER PLAVD ON ME , (PIAYOFF STARTS) JACK : I'M GOING HOME AND DENNIS IS GOING TO HEPR FROM ME ABOiPP THIS IN THE MORNING . (APPIAUSE ., .PLAYOFF UP FULL) GH AT}S 0 1 018441 p CLOSING 0CM~N`+F:FCIAL W1L40N : Jaek wi11 be back in j ust a minute, but t_'irst a word from the sweetheart of I_ucky Strike . OOLLLIS ; Hi friends . This ie Dorothy Collins . I'd like to te;':ce a minute of your time to talk about taste . Isn't it tr ~,e that j you enjoy a good, say, steak dinner because of the 4 ay it tastes? Well, I think the aame goes for a cigarette . You :Ske it because of the way 3.t tastes . Real7y,friends, smoking enjoynent , .`s all a matter of t_ste . And, tae f act of the matte'r is = ck'tes_ Laste oetter! Fiere's Why this is true . First -- .L`; /ASF: -- Lackp Strike means fine tobacco -- naturally tS-d, good-tasting tobacco . And second, Luc!cies are made better to `2ste better . Made round, firm 2 hr fully packed . MSde to drew freely and smoke evenlp -when you 11ght o'ne up . 'C'nink o_f i.t, f'~ne tobacco in a truly 'setter mvde eicarette, Uon't ;;ou think ;. cigarette 1+-ke t ;,at wi11 b*ing you all the smoking enjuy-ment you could possibly want? Try a carton oP Luckies . . . soon, You'll see that e n-okSng enjogment is a17l a matter of taste . a nd t've f?ot n_ the "- mr3tter Ss Luckiee taste better . 30, you be heppy--go L::o y,kv! COLLIiVS ; Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner f_^esher smoother COLTdNS ; Luckles taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother For Lucky S trike means 3:Yae ;ooacco Richer tasting Pine tobacco COI =19 : Iuekies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother Lucky Strike Lucc7 Strike GH A rx 01 03s 44 1 8 (TAG) ROCH: 47H0' S THP.'RE? . JACK : It's me, Rochester . ROCH: GEE, MR . BENNY, YOU SURE FINISfED YOUR DINNER IN A HURRY . JACK: I didn't have it . . .I found out thet-- (SOUND : PHONE RINGS) ROCH: I'LL GET IT, BOSS . (eOUAID: FFCEIVER IIP) RUCH: - HELIA . . .YES, SIR, HE'S HSRE . JUST A DffNUTE . . . . BOSe, IT'S . MR. IEWIS, YOUR SPONSOR, CALLING .~--ri~ , . A JACK : Oh, it is, eh? I kncx all about that .,~ These tricks have gone too far . . .Give me that phone . .(UP) Now look, you silly, stupid kid, I don't want you calling me up anymore with , these crazy things, and the next time I see you--- DENNIS :I Excuse me, Mr . Benny, I came over to apologize . JACK : Quiet, Dennis, I'm talking on the Phone --- (UP) Now look, you stupid-----SaeR4a : . . .Dennis is here! Mr . hwis . .Mr . Lewis . . .I thought you were someone else . . . .Really, I did, Mr . Lewis . . .But . . . . But . . . . But ...... But . .but ...... but ...... (APPLAUSE AND MUSIC) GH RrH01 0184.419 DO1V : The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin, M11t Josefsberg, f,eorge Beizer, John Tacaberry, Ha,1 Geidman, !?1 Gordon, and p roduced and 9ranscribed by Hills_d Marks . Re sure to hear The .\ merica_n Way with Horace Heidt for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station . Consult your ?ewspaper for the time . The Jack Benny Program was brcught to you by Lucky 3trike product of the lamericen Tobacco Oompeny . . . . Ansrioa's leading ms.nufaoturer of cigarettes . GH f-iT,`iUT qi'v?4 .9.2CT PRIX}RAM #12 R:'VISED SCRIPT Aa- Y,/2ozut~ca,:Z AMICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCRy STRIICE TAE TACK HENNY PROGRAM SMAy NCVENIDER 29 1953 CB9 4•OC-4•30 PM PST (TRANSCRIBED NCVEM3ER 19, 1953) AT 9 01 0184421 TH6 JACK BENNY ?ROGRAM ArvERICAA TOa4CCO oo . NOV IN43ER 29, 1953 (Transcribed Novemoer 19, 1953 .) OPENING COMMERCLIL WILSON : The Jack Benny program . . . transcribed and presented 'ay Lucky Btrike! COLLIIS : Luckiea taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother COLLINS : Luckies taste better CF9RU5 : Cleaner fl~esher smoother For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco F.tcher tasting fine tobacca COLLIN5 : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cl.eaner fresher smoother Lucky Strike Iucky Strike WIISON : Friends, this is Don Wilson to tell you that Luckies . . . win . . . a g.~a1n : 3hat's ria_ht, !,Q ckies win a ;zain in a national smoking survey among college studnets . Last year a survey -das made in leading colleges throughout the country whic , showed that emo~.ers in tboee colleges preferred Luc3les to any oaher cigarette . This ;7esr a another nation wide survey was made - a representative s i rvey of a11 students ;.n regular colleges from coast to coast . Based on thousends of actuai sti dent iuterviews - this survey uhows that Luckies lead again -- lead over all other brands, regular or king-size -- and by a_ wlde marain . The number one reason -- this year as last -- `suckies° b etter taste . '=es, Luckies do taste better . F irst, because they're made of likpt naturally mild, good tasting tobacco . L7/Mk'T - Lucky ;trike means fine tobacco . (MORE) LW R7'rdU'1 {)1N~7-~2~' TFE JACK ElENN? PAOGAAM AFIERICAN TOBACCO CQ . NOVEMBER 29, 1953 (P.rar,acribed November --_9, 1953) 0P7N1TiNG COMMERCIAL - CONP'D . WILSON : And then, Luckies ere mede better -- made round snd fi.rm ECONT'7) _nd fully t acked to draw freely . . . smoke ev°n1 y . Actually made to taste better . After all, of teste . And thesmoking enjcyment s all a matter _act of the matter is =uckies taste beter . Cleener, £resher, snoother . So be ha_n_oy -- go Lucky . Get better taste - wiZh a carton of Luokiee : COLLINS : Luckles teste better CHORUS : 0leaner fresher smoother Lucky Strike Lucky 8trike . Hrxat 0 -1- (FIRST ROUPINE) (AFPIIi COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DCNN) DON : THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY,, .W1TH MARY LNINOSTONB, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BCB CROSBY, AND "yOURS TRULY" DON WIL80N . (APPIAUSE,, .MUSIC UP ASID Dd1N) l.a.at 0/A+-' DON : IADS&S AND GENPLEMEN. . .#EI4i' THURSDAY W Hffi -tE TH4PIlGSGIVING, AND JACK HAS INVITED HIS WHOIc, GANC OVER FOR DINNGR,, .AS WE IAOK IN ON JACK'S HODE NON, HE AND ROCHESTER ARE TAKING INVENPORY TO M4Ka SURE THEY HAVE EN09(',H OF EVERYTHING FOR THE BIO SVENP . . . THEY ARE CHECKING ALL THE 1TEth4 IN THE PANTRY . . .AS ROCHESTER CALTS THEM OFF, JACK 15 WRITING T'+LTf DOWN, ROCH : TWO CANS OF CORNED BEEF HASH . JACK : Two - cans - of - corned - beef - hash . ROCH : THREE CANS OF CRANBERRY SAUCE . JACK : Three . .,cens,,,of . . .cranberry .,,eeuce, nn_nt OU-KNDd.I9H. B NNY ZB IN THE PANTRY, YOU REALLY TAhE 1T,, .YOU RUN TH35 ~ US JUST LIKE A OROCERY STORE, JACK : I do not . I,juat . .,Oh-oh . . .I broke pancil,,,whera the pencil ahaaner? ROCH : IN THE CASH RECI JACK: Oh yes . (SOUWI~ CASH REGISI~RINOS APID DR .ANER SLIDES OPEN) Darn , I hit the sixty-cent key instee of No Sale :. .Now my books won't bslanoe . . .Well, let's on with the inventorg, Rochester . Rrx 01 01844 2 4 ROCH : TW O BCL'TIES OF A-OISG SAUCE . JACK : Two bottles of A-One Sauce . ROCH : NL'-ETY-SEVEN 3(YPTLM,S OF GLIVES . ' t that JACK: Piinety-seven---wait a minute, Rochester . . .isn the sase omount cf olives that we had last year? HE ROCH: -jM4H . . .WP] DON I T USE ANY SINCE FHIL HARRIS L's'FT 'I SHwr . JACK : Ch ;ies . . .°ob C:rosby isn't e Nortini D1en . . .Cor,tinue, Rochester . ROCH : 'S4I0 BCrTtlES OF JAiQIIdD. F:~TRACT, JA CK : Ttio . . .bottles . . .of . . .vanille, . .extract . ROC_u- : OP!E ,7(YPTLP: OF Ll`DIA PINKEAMS . JACK : One, . .bo+,tle . . .of . . .Lydis . . .Pinichams . ROCH : TM1dE'LWL SLICES OF WHI'I'E BR.4D . JACIC Tvelve . . .slices, . .of . . .xhite . .bread . I2UCH : SEVEN SLICES OF WFIDLE WItG:4T I'iREAD . JACK : Seven . . .slices . . .of . . .mhole, . .wheat . . .b•reed . ROCH : OH SAY, LOSS . . . JACK: What is it, Rochester? ROCH: WfE;v WE CCRH TO THE TOOTH?T_CKS, LET'S TUSieTINLITE, JACK : Ckcy for the plain ones, 'out che colored ones we'll r.oimt . . .Now let's fiuiish this . ROCH : Y.ES SKR . . .STJ' .' BCfPTiFS OF BnTCHiJP . JACK : Six . . .bottles„,of . . .ketchup . ROCN : BSX uCR'TIF.'S OF CHII,I SAU(TE . JACK : Six , . .bottles, . .cf . . .ohiL. . .sauc.e . DW R3~~N. 0 7 0 18 44 2 5 -3- ROCH : THREE CANS OF PUSS-IN-BOGfS CAT FO(ID . ~' JACK: Three . . .cans . . .of . . .Puss-in-Boots . . .Cat . . .FOO~. . . ROCH: BOSS, WHY HAVE WE GC/f THAT? JACK : I borrowed it from the Colmans, ROCH : BUT WE HAVENIT GOT A CAT . .,WHY DID YOU BORROd IT? JACK : Well, they were out of butter, and I didn't went to leave empty-hairled . . .Wet1l use it some day. . .Continue . ROCH: ONE SACK OF IDAHO P(YfATOES . JACK : One . .,seck. . .of. . .Idaho. . . potatoas. (SOUND : DOOR BUZZER) JACK: Rochester, enswer the door . . .I'll finish the inventory . ROCH : YES SIR . (SOUM1 : SEVERAL FOCfPSPEPS .,,D00R OPEIVS) MARY : Hello, Rochester . AOCH : OH, BELLO, MI9S LIVIMGSTONE, . .WELCOME TO RALPH'S a4i SUPER MARKET . MARY : What? ROCH : COME RIGBT IN . (SOUDID : DOOR CIASES,, .FOOTSTfiPS) JACK : Oh, hello, Mary . MARY : Hello, Jack .f.What f re you doing up on that stool? (SOULID : FOOTSTEPS STOP) JACK: I'll be finished in a minute,,,Itm just putting some stuff beok on the top shelf . . .Would you please hand me those two jars of caviar? MARY: Oh fine . . .fish eggs from a frightened mackerel end he calls it caviar . H Arx 0 1 0184426 -4- JACK: Mary, why do you have to come over here and--- (SOIItm : STOOL CREAKINC) MARY ; JACK, LOOK 0IIP -- TfE STOOL -- THE CANS ARE FALLING! (SOUND : STOOL FALLIPRi P/EEi . . .BODY CRASH . . . THEN MILLIONS 0F CANS OF FOOD FAId.ILT: TO FIOOR . ) JACK : oooooooHhhhhh. MARY: Jack, are you hurt? 1W. JACK : No, I'm ell right . MARY : (LASA',H8) JACK: What're you laughing at? MNRY : (IALGHINGLY) With those fish eggs in your ear, you look lilke you're going upstream tu spawn. JACK : Upstream to spewn, upstream to apawn . : .e man nearly kills himself and you talk about romance . .,Now, I don't-rsLU - - (SOUND : PHONE RINGS) JACK: Answer that, will you, please? MARY : Okay . (SOUND : TF RE E FOOTSTEPS . . . PHONE RINGS . . . RECEIVER UP) MARY: Hello, Mr . Benny's residence . BCB : Say Mary, how come you're answering the phone . . .heve you got a new clause in your contract? MARY: No, Bob . . .Jack would have answered it, but he can't . . .he's lying on the floor . BOB : Holy smoke, he's getting as bad as my musiclans . I7x aru 01 0 184427 M 1RY : It isn T t that at all . . .he fell off a stool . BOB : Well, tizet t s what the boys in the band do . PQARY : Look, Bcb, it ' s kin3 of hard to er.plain . . .but he fell while checking some stuff in the pantry . }3pty : The pantry? MARY: Yes, tal s mak•_ng iure he has ettough of everything for his big ^hanksgivi.ng Dinner. You're comirg, aren't go.,i? Pl7B : Oh sure, I oought m,v ticket two weeks ago . N4RY : Oh, that was smart . . .therees no sense waiting till the last minute :r:en the scalpers get hold of them. . . Just a min.ute, I ' ll let you talk to Jack . 'MpP9SS :XB tF.2S-tie`f~ . . MARY : (LUCri/t!G) Okay, Bob . . .b'at there'e no one here . . .(L~P) JecY., it ! s Bob Crosby . .JACK : T i 11 take it . (MOTIl7D : CCiIFLS Fpt7P8T E FS) JACK: Hello, 3ob . P,OD : Say Jack, I wonfler 12 you could give me a couple of extra tickets to next week's broadcast . JACK : Well . . .I miglit be eole to scrape up two . . .6iho are they f or? DW W- iSOi 0 '1@44? : Et -6- BGB : Well, to tell you the truth, they're for Remley, but he was afraid to ask you. JACK: Well, he should be after what happened last time . . .He 6ave thet ticket to his girl end she almost started a riot in the studio . Imagine her walking up and down the aisle doin6 a ~,thing like that . BOB :tThat wasn't her fault, Jack, the band never should've played "A Pretty Girl Is Like A iAe3d~oy ." JACK : All right, but where did she got the balloons, where did she get the balloons? BOB : Wnere did you get the pin? JACK: Never mind! All right, Bob . I'll give you the tickets at rehearsal . BOB : Thenk,~J~eck . . .goodbye . JACK: Goodbye . (SCUND : RECEIVER DOWN) JACK : Bob always has to cell me when I'm busy, . .GH RCCHESTER . RGJH : WHAT IS IT, BOSS? Rrx 0 1 0 184429 -7- JACK: I knocked over all these cans when I fell off the stool . . .Wi11 you pick them up while I go on with the inventory? ROCH : _ YES SIR . JACK : Mary, will you please help me, . .I'11 call off the items, and you write them down . MARY: Sure, Jack . JACK: Five bottles of vinegar . MARY: Five . . .bottles . . .of. . .vinegar . JACK : Three bottles of Real Ismon Juice . MARY: Three . . .bottles ;, :of . . . Rea1. . .LSmon, . .Juice . JACK: Forty-five hundred cans of Minute Maid Orange Juice . MARY: bbrty-five hundred cans of Minute Maid Orange Juice . JACK : Wasn't that a wonderful guest spot I did on Bing's program? . .,I had to give five hundred cans to my " ytK RM,~, . agentF. .NOw let's keep going, Mary. . .One leg of lemb . MARY : One, . .leg: . :of. . .lamb . JACK: Two peckages of bacon . MARY: Two . . .packages . . :of . . :bacon . JACK: One side of beef . DON : Jack, that's me, JACK : Oh, oh, oh . . .Hello, Don. y pON : Hello, Jack. . .Mary . MARY: Hello, Don . y~,~,~ DON : Jack, I know you'renbusy, but I brought the Sportsmen Quartet with me and they want to run over the comvercial for the program . AT3l 01 0184430 -8- JACK: That's nice . . .And by the way, Don, I hope I didn't forget to invite you and the Sportsmen to Thanksgiving Dinner : DON : No, you invited us . . .And Jeck, I feel awfully populer this year . JACK: Populsr? DON : Yes . . . besides your invitation, I've been invited to Harry Von Zelle's house . . .Dinah Shore's house . . .end Jimuy Wellington's house for Thanksgiving dinner, too . JACK : Which one are you going to? DON : All of them . JACK : Oh, of course, silly me . .Well, Don, I'm really kind of busy getting things ready for my dinner. DO N : Jack, this commexoial won't tak e lon g and it's in keeping with the Thanksgiving spirit . JACK ; Oh, well then let's hear it . DON : All right . .Teke it, fellows . LW AT}{Oi 0 1 8 4431 z @UARTET : bIf THANK YOU, MY DARLING MY THANKS TO YOU, i EAR THANKS FGR ALL THE IAVELY DEISGHT I FOUND IN YOUR EFffiRACE I'M THANKFUL THOUGH I KNCW IT'S ENDING ALL TOO SOON AND THA NKS FOR UNFGRGETTABLE NIGHTS I NEJER CAN REPIACE AND MENC)RIFS THAT LINGER LIISE A HAUNTING TUNE IT 15 BL:+ITER TO HAVE LJVED YOU, DEAR, AND IAST -rIlAN LouraC ANH NEVER TO A4VE I963iAT ALL IT IS BETTER, FOR NO MATTER WHAT THE COST I HELD THE WORLD IN SWAY AN E'MPF.AOR FOR A DAY AND THAN16 FOR ALL THCSE LUCKCES YOU BOUGHT EACH PUFF A REAL DELIGHT NOW THANKS TO YOU A UJCKY IS THE SM)KE I LIICE LIGHT A LUCKY, IT'S A FRFSHER, SNDGTHER StAOKE THAT'S MADE OF FINE TOBACCO, TOO . PUFF A IACKY YOU' LL LIKE LUCKIE4' BETTER TASTE AND THERE IS NO LOOSE ENDS TO EVER ANNOY YOUR FRIEND3 SO THANKS AGAIN FOR PUTTING ME WISE TO ShDEING PARADISE FOR CHANGING ME TO ISMFP MY THANRS, I RFALLY THANK YOU, THANKS FOR ALL THOSE GOOD OLD LUCKY STREKES . (APPLAUSE) RT 8 01 0 1 8 4432 -9- (SECOfiD RoUPINE) JACK : That was great, Don. . .verywgxy, good . DON : Thanks, Jack . . .Well 3+.r'got-tobe getting home . JACK: I'll walk to the door with you . , (SCDDm : FOC/PSTEPS) JACK : Say, Don . . .Ifve been wanting to ask you something for a long time . DON : What is it, Jack? JACK : Even though the Sportsmen have been with me five years now, I never did fixd out how they formed . their group . Xuti''A`h`~+°'r!r"~e"EYl f DON: It ' s quite an interesting story, Jack . . .It started up ]n Las Vegas . You see, two of them were singing as a duet at the Flamingo . . . and two of them - were singing as a duet at the Saraha . JACK: Vn huh. DON : And just by chance they got together and formed a quartet . JACK : Well, I'll be darned. . .tvo a nd two . . .they made four the hard way . . .Well, so long, Don . . .see you and the boys Thursday . (SOAPID : DOOR CLOSES . . . FOOTSTEPS) JACK : Well, I better go back ard finish the 7nventory . (SOUDID : FOOTSTEPS) JACK: Say, mary___ MARY: Just a minute, Jack . . .Go ahead, Rochester . ROCH : Tr7ELVE CANS CF CRDSEED PINEAPPIE . MARY: Twelve . . .cans . . .of . . .crushed . . .pineapp].e . IAJ RTX 0 1 0184433 -10- AOCH : NINEPEEN CANS OF COPIDENBEID MIIK . MARY : Nineteen . . .cena,, :of. . .co:rlensed . . .milk . ROCH : TWO THOUSAND, FOUR HUPIDRID AND FIPTY-SIX glp_. MARY : ,,,Cans?, .,Cans of vhet? ROCH : JUST CANS, MR . BENN~ DONIT T}QiOr7 ROTkSINI AWAY . 1 --1 JACK: Certainly not ; I paint them and hang them on the Christmss Tree ., .Nov Mary, I can finish this up vith Rochester, so--- (SOUND : DOOR BDZZER) ROCH : SHALL I ANSWII2 IT, BOSS? JACK: No, don't bother getting down from the etool. . .I111 answer it . . . (SOUND : FOUPSTEPS) JACK : Ild like to get this inventory finiahed before--- 0/- . . (S09CID : DOOR OPENS) DENNIS : Mr . Denny, I just came over to esk you if you would--- JACK: Hello, Dennis . DENNIS : He11o,,,Mr . Benny, I just cave over to ask you if you xen3d--- JACK : Hov do you feel, kid? DENNIS : Fine,,,6r . Benny, I just came over to ask you if you wen3d--- JACK: Close the door, will you, Deraiis? DENNIS : Okay . (SOUND : DOOR CIABFS) _ JACK: Now Dennis, what did you -- Dennis . . .Hbw do you like that, F® locked himself out .,,Oh veil, it's just es--- (SOUPID : DOOR BUZZER) DH Arx 01 0184434 JACK : COME IN, d (SOUPm : DOOR OPENS) DENNIS : 'Mr . Benny, I just came over to ask you if it vou]d be all right with you if I eex3A --- JACK : Dennis, when I told you to close the door, I seant you should come in first . DENNIS : Oh. . . JACK : Now what did you went to ask me? DENNIS : If I could use your phone, our house is on fire . JACK: Now Dennis, don't be silly . . .If your house is on fire, why would you come ell the way to Beverly Hills to use the phone? DENNIS : I want the firemen to think I'm a big shot . JACK : Dennis, close the door, will you? (SOUND : DOOR CIpSES) JACK : -Smmm. . .just my luck, this time he stayed on the inside . . . (SONNfl : FOOPSTEPS) JACK: Now look, kid, I'm busy, so don't bother ve with eA those silly things you make up . . .Cove on, Mary, let's finish this inventory. MARY : Okay . DENNIS : Oh, is that whet you're doing? JACK : Yes yes . DEffiVIS : I thought you were cleaning house like my mother did the other day . JACK: I'm not cleaning house . S% Rrx 01 0 184435 -12- DENNIS : Boy, did she got rid of a lot of stuff . She threw some old curtains out of the living room, a broken rocking chair out of the bedroom . . .ard she even took the moose head out of the~shower . JACK : Now Mary, let's---Dennis, she took w et out of the shower? DENNIS : The moose keed . JACK: (PAUSE) You're gonna ignore that, eh, Mary? MARY : I certainly am . JACK: Hsamu. DENNIS : My father put it there, but my mother--- JACK : Weit a minute, Dennis . . .Hold it a minute . . .I lmow ' I'11 regret esking you this, but why would your father put a moose head in the shower? DENNIS: The other end would look silly . JACK : Well, that I can understend . .,Now Dennis, besides your house being on fire aid your father being in a shower with a moose, what else is new? DENNNIS : Well, I've been rehearsing my song all week, would you like to hear it? JACK : I'd love to . . .enything . . .go ahead . 4K4 `B' ~ '47 ' (3OUfID : PHONE RItd'rS) JACK: Ho .d it a minute, Dennis . (SOUND : PHONE RIN03 . . .COUPIF .FOtlPSTEPS. . . RECEIVER UP) AT SSO 1 0184436 -13- JACK: Hello . . MEL : Hello, Mr. Benny . This is Mel H1anc . JACK: Oh hello Mel, what is it? MEL : Mr . Benny, I been on your program for ten years now, and I ain't never complained before, but this time I gotta . JACK : What's the matter? M6L : It's about the part you got me playin' in Sunday's show . . . some pert, oh brother . JACK : Now wait a minute, Me1 . . .8unday's program is about Thanksgiving, isn't it? MEL : Uh huh . JACK : And what's the most important thing connected with Thanksgiving? MEL: A turkey . JACK : Well, that's the part you're playing . MEL : Well, I don't like it . . .always you make me an enimal . . .why can't I have a talking part and be a human bean? JACK: Look, Mel--- MEL: Sometimes you make me a rabbit--- JACK : A rabbit? MFY.: Ehhhhh, tak, tsk, whet's up, doc? JACK : Look, Mel--- LW ar 901 0 1 e 443? MEL: Or a woodpecker--- JACK : Fkl--- MEL : (D CE S WOODY WOCDPECI~R) JACK: #ex-look, Mel, I',mobduhs.y and-- MEL : Once you even cast me as en English horse . JACK : An English horse? NEL; (DOES ENGLISH HORSE WHINNY) JACK : Mel, I'm sorry . . .it's just that you have to play the parts that are nee9ed : You msy not realize it,. MEL Nr . Benny, . .but I'm pretty important to you : Important? . TACK MEL: Yeah, if it wasn't for me, you'd never get anyplace . JACK : What are you talking about . . .I wouldn't get any place . MEL : Every time you start that lousy Maxwell, I almost break a blood vessel going (MEL N0+7 DOES HIS CA5 STARTING BIT WITH EVERYTHING THRWN IN INCIl.ZING THg DYING GASP AT THE END) . JACK: Hmmmvn . MEL: That's all the things I do on the program . . .now I want some talking parts . . .I'm a human bean. JACK : Now look, Mel. . .either you stop this complaining or I'11 let you go . . LW ATXO1 01 8 443 8 -15- MEL: You wouldn't fire me . . . JACK : A11 right, ell right . . .but Sunday you're playing a turkey exd that's final . (80UfID : RECEIVER D(WN) MARY : What made you so mad at Me1, Jack? JACK : Oh, he's always complaining . . .I've gotAhalf a notion to fire him . MARY : You better not, he ' s too Important to the show . JACK : I guess you're right . . .Go ahead and sing, Dennis . DENNIS : -OK87. . (APPIAUSE) (DFI4NIS'S SONG . .- "EBTIDE") (APPIAII3E) ATXO1 0 1 8 4439 (THIRD ROUTIN6) -16 - 17- JACK: Dennis, that was very gnod . .now just sit down for a few minutes, I wanta finish my inventory . ROCH: WE'VE GOT IT ALL LISTED, BOSS, AND YOU'VE GOT PLEIVTY OF F?IERYfHING FOR THE THANKSGIVING DINNER . JACK: Good . . .we won't have to do any shopping . MARY: How big a turkey did you get? JACK : Turkey? I knew I forgot something . MARY: You mean you forgot to buy the turkey? JACK: Yes, but there's still plenty of time . MARY: Well, don't wait till the last minute . You ought to go and get one right now . JACK: Well . .will you go with me, Mary? MARY: Sure . .let's go . DIIVMS : I'll stay here . JACK: Good, good . (SOUND: bC10TSTEPS . .D00R OPENB . .FOOTSTEPS DOWN STEPS . . TkM ON CEMENT) , JACK: Gee, Mary, we're sur having a break in the weather lately . : This is such a lovely day . , MARY: Yes . .we usually do have good weather around Thanksglving . . JACK: Yeah . .Oh Mary . .look over there at those boys playing football HARRY : (OFF) HEY, JOEY, KICK IT TO ME NOW . Rr 901 018 4440 -18- JACK : They're nice kids, Nary . .Taey're in my Beverly Hills Beevers CluN . The bi;;;ea one is Stevie Kcnt . His folks live on the corner . . .Every time I ;;o for a walk, I stop and talk with him . . .(Ui) fG]Y, STL'VIL . .THROW T}M BALL OVin iP~M : . HARRY : (OFF) HUH? . . .0I1, IFL3Id0, bi. . DitM . .HIT COMliS . . .IfJOK OUT . . .I THINK IT'S TOO HIOH . . .YOU'LL }L4VL TO RUN FUR IT . . . . . Y+STCR . . .YJU &.TT-i R JU4R FOR IT . . . . .140W . . . .lRAT A CP.TCH! JACK: Say, that was a L ood catch, Mary . . . Hcw did yovu do it? MARY: (1'SJFFING A ISTTIL) I don't know, but you can buy me a new girdle for Christmas . JACK: I wi11, I will . HARRY : Say, Mr . Benny, you know you haven't been to a single meetiOg of the Beavers Club since the first of September . JACK: I know, Stevie . .it's unfortunate that you hold your meetings on SUn3ey afternoon . .because, you sec, every Sunday I do a radio p-•o ;;ram and every third Sunday I a}ae do a television eilow . HARRY : Oh . . .Well, you know you get fined a nickel for every meetinC; you miss . - JACK : I know . . .I've been trying to get my broadcasts changed . . .Ne11, we'11 talk about it later . . .Come on, Mary, we better Set ee! down to Eiie market . (TRANeITIOH NNSIC) (SOUND : TDOR OPlIJS . .MARKET flOISES) ATYS 0 1 0 184441 -19- JACK : Gee, these super-markets are so big I always get lost in them . MARY: Jack, there's the poultry department over there . JACK: Oh yes . .Come on, Mary, let's walk over to the counter and -- ARTIE : Hello, Mr . Benny . JACK : Well . :ke3le, Mr. Kitzel . (APPL4U9E) JACK : Mr . Kitzel, what are you doing working in the poultry department? ~ ARTIE : ' ,I got the job on account of my uncle . JACK: Oh, he owns the market? ARTIE : No, I owe him money. JACK: Oh . . .Well, look, Mr . Kitzel, I wanta buy a turkey . . .are they very expensive? ARTIE : H00 HJO H00 kIDO . JACK: You mean they're that high? ARTIE : (CONEIffiVTIAId.Y) Come here a minute . Rrxo 1 0 184442 -20- JACK: Huh? ARTIE : Step closer . .(WHISPkc-25) Do you know what turkeys are selling for to9ay? JACK: No . ARTIE : Come a little closer : Huh? . JACK ARTIE : Lean over a little . JACK: What? ARTIB : Sixty-three cents a pound . Yo ..n a+-~* 01wv . Z4 JACK: W Wh,v ~e you have tewHi'apea--f5?402 µ. CnLL• fCd ARTIE : I 3on't want the turkeys s',3eu1d --get og~,ti,,~}, JACK: Gee, sixty-three cents a poun3 . .tnat's a lot of money for turkeys . ARTIE : Say, they Gotta live, too . JACK: I suppose so . . (SYMPATHGTICALLY) Say, Mary, . .'ook at those turkeys lying there . .so cold and st111 . . . Just think . .a few flays ago they were happy, carefree and gay . .An9 now they're sixty-tinree cents a ~)~ •~-7-W~W• Kitzel, how old were these turkeys vhen they vere killed? ARTIE : About eight months . JACK: Hmm . .3idn't even have a chance to 11ve . .I feel terrible . MARY : You'3 feel a lot worse if they were seventY-t,mee . cents a pounfl . ATXO1 01 8 444 3 -21- . . . .9 G/i+/," JACK: I suppose so . . .But~Mary, when I see that turkey laying there like that, I can't help but think of its mother, how lonesome she must be . '~ ARTIE : Ibn't worry,that's her ri~ghE next to him . JACK : Oh . MARY: Say Jack . .while you're getting the turkey, I better shop around and get some things for the stuffing . JACK : I think I have everything at home, Mary . MARY: What about cracker crumbs? JACK: Plenty : Stele bread~?y. MARY JACK: Two levea .d~J~^O0l MARY : Oysters? JACK : One can . MARY: Sage? JACK: Thirty-nine . MARY: What? Cu~. JACK : Oh, I thought you said acme hiag-e1se.. .Yea, we have everything . ARTIE : Well, Mr . Benny, what is your pleasure, if I can be so eaeemmedat#ng JACK: Well, I'd like to get a live .turkey. . .about twenty-five pounds . ARTIE : The live turkeys ere over there . . .down ., $-the end of the counter . JACK : Oh yes, yes . . .I think I'1l take that one on the right . .it looks nice and plump . ARPIE : Put on your glasses, that's my wife . ' LW RrK 01 0 1 0 4444 -22_ JACK : Oh yes . .sorry. __ ARTIE : (TO SELF) I wish I could get sixty-three cents a pound for her . JACK : What? ARTIE: Nothing . . .I'm daydreaming . JACK: Now Mr . Kitzel, swhat would you suggest ? ~ ARTIE : Well, if you want a nice live turkey .s+Aat about this one over here? MEL : (GOBBLbS LIKE TlkacEY) . MARY: Say Jack, this one's nice and plump. 6 Lr„'Y _ JACK: I've seen turkeys look plump axd they were all feathers . : . I'm going to feel this one myself . . .Hold still, turkey . MEL : (GOBBLFS AND GIGGLFS) MARY: You and your cold hands . .'f AGKr-~e1L~..ry~.~ltha.t_doyo uu_think-abeut3 t? MEL: (GOBBLE9) . . . sy...Mr.. "'zav.`^.o1~--.:a--thls~-1"~Y`-e-hen-tui#eyf ' it9-manBSS0he4 W JACK: . , , how much doea this turkey weigh? ARPIE : About a hundred and sixty pounds . JACK: I thought so . .why does this turkey aeigh so much? ARTIE : He's also an English Horse . LW arx01 0184445 -23 & 24- JACK : Oh . MEL: (GOBBLES AND DOES ENGLISH FDRSE) JACK: Well, a11 riEht, Mr . Kitzel, ve'11 take this turkey . Come on, turkey . , MEL : (GOBBLES) . JACK: Come on, I'll take you home . MEL: (GOBBLPS) (SOUND: IDOR OPECIS . .FOOTSTEPS) JACK : Come on, Mary. MEL : (EXCITED GOBBLING) MARY: Jack, look out . . .the turkey's getting away . JACK ; Quick, Mary, try to grab him, be's running out into the street . (SOUND : RUNNING FOOTSTEPS . .TRAFFIC NOISES . . . SCREFLH OF BRAI45) MEL : (EXCITED GOBBLES . .FADING OFF) MARY :eoah; Jack, that car almost ran over the turkey and killed him . JACK: I'm sure glad it didn't . . . Mel Blanc is too important to this program . MARY: Yeah . JACK: Come on, Mary, let's go home . (APPLAUSE AND PLAYOPF) LW arx 01 0 1 e 4446 -25- ' (TAG) JACK : Well, Rochester, the gang will be over this evening for Thanksgiving Dinner . Is everything ready? RGCH: YE3 SIR . JACK : Then put the turkey in the oven . ROCH: BUT, BO.SS-- JACK : Do as I say . Put the turkey in the oven . RGCH: BUT, BOSS-- JACK : Rochester, I'm telling you to put the turkey in the oven . MEL : Now wait a minute, this has gone far enough . After all, I'm a human bean . JACK: Aw, Mel,aew you spoiled the whole illusion . . .Goodnight, folks . (APPLAUSE & MUSIC) RT}SO1 0184447 thrRX- Gosh, Jack, that car almost ran over him an3 . .kille3 JACK: I'm surb-gla3 it di3n't . . . t4e1is too im_oortant to this progratn: _,y MAItI' : Yeah . i JACK : Come. on;~let's &, o back in the at re and buy a / . ~~£urkey already dressed . \ (APPIAUSS AND 2IAYOFF) .. GH ATXOI 0184448 THE JACK BENNY PRCGRAM AMERICAN TOBACCO CO . NOV3NBER 29, 1953 (Transcribed November 19, 1953) CLOSING C54MERCl.w WILSON : Jack will be back in just a minute, but first a word to cigarette smokers . COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHORUS : Cleaner fresher smoother COLLINS : Luckies taste better CHCRUS: Cleaner fresher smoother For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer tasting fine tobacco . CCLLINS : Luckies taste better CHCRUS : Cleaner fresher smo.cher Lucky Strike Lucky Strike WILSON : Friends If you've ever stopped to single out the one thing that gives you real smoking enjoyment, chances are that taste was your answer . Why certainly -- smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . Cleaner, fresher, smoother . Luckies taste so much better because, first L5/M8T -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . And then, too, Lucides are actually made better . . . made round and finn and fully packed, to draw freely and smoke evenly . And because Luckies do taste better they'll make wonderful . Christmas gifts for your family and friends . So look for the bright and cheerful Lucky Strike Christmas carton -- specially created by the famous designer Raymond Loewy . You'll find these Christmas cartons of Luokies wherever you buy c1 7 crettes . (MCRE) AiX01 0 18 .4 4 49 TAG JACK HENNY PROGRAM AMERICAN TCBACCO 00 . NOVENIRER 29, 1953 (Transcribed November 19, 1953) cLOSING CorMEP.cZRL - oONTn . WILSON : Yes, at Chrisbnas time - or any time - a carton of Luokies (CONT'D) is most welcome, for it's always good taste to give and to smoke better tastiqq Luc Strike : SPORTSMEN Be happy - go Lucky - Q,UARTET : (Long close) For Christmas gifts this year HI` Arx 01 0 1 e 445 0 Rl ;iOl C)1C" 6AS7 _ B- Ch eh foot oh eh foot oh oh foot oh eh foo. Psaasesh-.hbhh . Ride the Happy Go Lueky Strike Express . (APPLAUSE) HTYSOI 0184452 (SECON4 ROVLINE) JACK : Say fellows, thst was real cute . . .Now I Vb got to run along . . I'm supposed to meet Mary at the sportswear counter . . .Bpb, do you know where it is? BOB : Nc, I'm sorry,^ ack . JACK : Well, I'll find it myself . . . .So long, fellows . (SOUND : STORE NOISES & BEILS UP ApW pOWN) JACK : I~arn it, I can't find that sportswear depsrtment . .I better ask the floorwalker . . .Oh M ster, can you tell me where I can find-- NELSON : WELid., IT IT ISN'T LITTLE BOY LOST AGAIN . . . JACK : Hmm . .(VERY CALM) All right, flcorwalker . . .go on with your insults . NEL90N :'...,What? JACK : (SWEET) I'm not going to get mad . . .this is Christmas time . . . the season of brotherly love . . .and you ought to feel ashamed of yourself for trying to antagonize me . NELSON : Gee . . .I never thought of that . JACK : We11, you should think of it .t.remeeber . .peace on earth . .good wi11 towards men : (SADLY . . .ALMCST . NELSONCRYING) Yes, I guess I haven't got the proper spirit . JACK : You should feel happy . . .foyous . . . . gay . . .and have a wonderful feBling towards your fellow man . . NELSON : (NOW CRYING) I'm glad you reminded me of it, Mister . . .I haven't had the right spirit, but I'm going to change . . .I'm going to love my fellow man . LR FPTH01 0184453 PROORAM //13 REVI SED SCRIPT I I // ~/.¢ X7 AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY STRIKE THE JACK SHNNY PROGRAM SiiNDAY D6CEPBER 6 1953 CBS k :00 -. 4 :30 PM PST (TRANSCRIBED NOV 25 1953) RTX07 0184454 THE AN ERICAN TOA9CC0 COMPANY -A- THE JACK BENNY FRLGRAM #13 OPENIhG COM14ERCIAL DECEMBER 6 1953 SUNDAY WILSON : TIE JACK BENNY PR06RAM . . . . transcribed aM presented by LUCKY STRII{E : COLLINS: Luckles taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! . COLLINS: Luckies taste betterl CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother : For Lucky Strike means fine tobecco! Richer-testing fine tobacco! COLLINS : Luckies teste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! WILSON : This is Don Wilson, friends . . . IAtckies' better taste is the big reason ytry so many people sre switching to Lucky Strike . Sure, everybody knows that amoking enSoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better --- cleaner, fresher, smoother . Know why? Well, L.4/MNT -- Lucky Strike means fine tobacco . Light, naturally mlld Qood-testinq tobacco, And then, Luckies are made better to taste better -- made round and firm and fully pecked to draw freely and smoke evenly . It's just as plain as day that fine tobacco in a better made cigarette is bound to give you a better- tasting smoke . (MORE) RM Hr 801 0 1 e 4 4 55 oPENING CoMNtMCIAL (CON-TD) . -H- WILSON : (CONT) So ask for Lucky Strike the next time you buy cigarettes . That's right . . . Be Happy and go Luckv You'll find Iuckies do taste better -- cleaner, fresher, smoother . COLLdNS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! RA7 AT 80 1 0 1 84456 (FIRST ROUTINE) (DEC . 6 SHOW) -I- (AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: THE LUCKY STRIKE PRCGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCRESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YGURS TRULY" DON WILSON. (APPLAUSE . . . MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON: AMD=1W, LADIES AND GENTLEM6N, TONIGHT JACK BENNY DOES HIS TELEVISION SHOW WITH HIS SPECIAL GUESTS IREPE DUNNE, VINCENTPRICE, AND GREGORY RATOFF . . .BUT FIRST IET'S GO OUT TO JACK'S HOUSE IN HEl'ERLY HILTS . OUR LITPLE STAR HAS DECIDED TO SPEND A COUPLE OF WEEIG4 IN PALM SPRINGS . . . SO JUST AS SOON AS HE FINISHES BREAKFAST, AE'S GOING TC START PACKIPG . JACK: Ahh. .that was e good breakfest . . .How about a little more coffee, Rochester? ROCH: NO THANKS, I HAD ENOUGH . JACK : I meent me,' . . .iW. ROCH : OH . .OH:, .iERyYOU APE .' (SOU;ffi: POURISR} COFFEg INTO CUP) ~ .,1~O~tci r51 x~{ JACK: ., q . e . ...n,d, And anyway, it's about time we atarted packing . RCCH : YES SIR . JACK: And, Rochester, not a word about our going to Pelm Springs in front of Polly . You know how upset that parrot gets when she knows we're going ewey and not taking her with us . ROCH: YEAH . . . JACK: Let's go in the other room and get sterted . (SOUND : FOCITSTEPS. . .D00R OPENS) RM flrrs0 1 01 B4457 MEL: (SQUAWKS) JACK: Oh, hello, Polly . MEL: (SQUAWYS) Hello, hello. (WHI9TIFS) ROCH : WF.'LL, BOSS, I BETl'ER GET (NT THE BAG, AND -- . MEL : Beg? JACK : (ALARMEL) Rochesker : ROCH: HfJH? . . . OH. .G:I' .YES . .YEB. . .I'M GOIK} TO GET CUT TEE BAG AND PUT IT IN THE VACUUM CLEANER AND . .ER. .CLE4N UP YOUR ROOM. JACK: Oh, yes . .yes . .the beg for the vacuum cleaner . ROCH: AND 47HEN THE BAG IS FULL, WE CAN START FOR -- (SPS'LISrG IT OUT) P,A,L,M,S,P,R,I,N,G,S . MEL: Vacuum cleaner (9@,UAWKS) (TAiIS.RES) JACK: Tnat's right, Polly . . .that spells vacuum cleaner . Come on, Rochester, we better go in my room and (WHISPERS)a"61 Start packing, kw.6 RCCH : YES, SIR . MEL : (SQUAWKS SADLY) JACK : I'm sorry, Polly, but you can't come in the room with us . MEL: (SQUAWKS EXCITIDLY) JACK: A11 right, all right . . .don't get excited . (ASIDE) Rochester, Polly doesn't went to be left alone . We better take her to my room, too . ROCH: (ASIDE) BUT, BOSS, S}QE'hL SEE US TARB YOOR SUITS OUT OF TIE CLOSET AND SHSRTS 401 -4483198 OUT OF T'H6 DRAWERS . JACK: (ASIDE) She'll just think we're straightening up the room . Go aheed, bring her in . RM Rrx 01 01 e 445 e -3- ROCH ; OKAY. COME ON, POLLY . MEL : (SQUAWKS HAPPILY) Bring 'er in, bring 'er in . (SlytIAWKS & wHISTrFS) (SOUNDt FOOTSTEPS . . .DOOR OPSNS ANB CLOSES) JACK: Now, Rochester, take my blue, suit, my gray suit, end my tweed out of the cloaetl~n ~ ROCH: BUT,BOSS, A TWFED SUIT IS MUCH TOO HEAVY FOR P,A,L,M„ S,P,R,I,N,G,S . MEL: Vacuum Cleaner. .(S@UAWKS & WHISTLES) JACK: -A bAw. Well, okay, never mind the tweed . ROCH: BY THE WAY, BOSS, ARE YOU GGIAU TO STAY AT THE SAME PLACg YOU DID LAST TIME ? JACK: Certainly . ROCH : THEN I BETTER KEEP THESE THIN1iS TCGgTHER, BATHROBE, SLIPPERS ANil FLASHLIGFPf . JACK: Rochester, it's inside now ; . ROCH: THANK G00D*ESS :, .CNCE YOU SfAYID AT A PLACE WHERE SJ; HAD TO PACK A BICYCLE, JACK: Rochester, for your information, they don't have any more places like t'nst in P,e,1,m, .S,p,r,i,n,g,s . MF.L: Vacuum cleaner. (SQUAWK4 & WHISTLES) JACK: Well, Rochester, I guess we got everything I'11 need,-1~y ' (SWTID : PHONE RINGS OFF) JACK: I'll get the phon~ aad I'll take Polly with me . . .Come ory Polly . Daddy has to answer the phone . (SOUND : DOOR OPSNS . . .PHONE RINGS, ON . .FOOTSTEPS) RM arx0 1 0 1 e 4459 MEL : (SQUAWKS) JACK: Quiet,. Polly . (SOUND : RSCBIVSR UP) JACK: Hello? MARY: Hello, Jack, this is Mary . JACK: Oh, what is it, Mary? - MARY: Jack, on your way over to pick me up, would you',stop off at the store and get me a bottle of sun tan oil? JACK: Whst do you mean stop off at the store . I'm bringing s]eng enough sun tan oil for everybody . MARY : I know, but you don't give Green Stamps . r /L JACK: NgrF, I wesn't going to charge you for my-sn[r-ten oil, I was going to give it to you . And when I bought it, the company guaranteed its quelity . . MARY : I know, Jeck, but -- ' -'• . . .efter it's C tn.fx c6+u .L. •,••Y ` • ^a•_ been in your eer for ten thousand miles, it loses something . I JACK: 8kes, Qay, I was just trying to do you e favor . . .Anywey, I'll pick you up in a little while . . .Goodbye . MARY : SseAgye . (SOUND : RECEIVSR DONN . . .DOOR OPENS OFF) ROCH: (OFF) OR, EOSB, I'Vg GOT gVERYTHING RBADY . SHALL I CLOSE IT UP? JACK: No no, I want to check it first/0 see Sh t I didn't forget anything : (SQUAWF6 UNHAPPILY). MEL JACK: Now, Polly, you can't oow into my room this time . RM flTX 0 1 0184460 -5- MEL : (SQ,UANKS UNHAPPILY) O~ JACK: Look, Polly, if you're lonesome, Deddy'11 turry,the radio c ~1 .., . pfrA for you . . .I'll get you 1"Lke-r.ewe. • (SWND : FEW FOOTSTEPS . . .CLICK. . .STATIC) DAYS: (LOUSY COWBOY ST7Cig) (FILTER) YOUR CHEATIt`G HEAR . . TELL ON YOU. JACK: Thet is it . . .I'11 try enother statio (SOUND : 3TAT1C) QUART : (FILTER) ALL ALONE . Ir" AIANg. . .TMERR IS NO ONE HEFE BUT ME . JACK: Why can't 2 the news . ~\ ( : STATIC) JAY: ) I'M ONLY A SIRU IN A GUILlA:D CAGE . . JACK :~ ~ Isn't that awful? ~~ ~ (SOU T~: _STAT-IO---- -__--~- __ ~_ (LIGHT M7SIC : PERHAPS JUST STRINGS) JACK : vwi*, hi s is good enough . You'11 like this, Folly . I'll be back soon. MEL : (SQUAti1RS & WHISTISS) (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS & CLOSES OFF) (AFTER SEVERAL BARS MUSIC COMES TO A FINISH) RUBIN : (FILTER) THIS IdJSICAL PROGRAM IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE 4/1 4+an~1, BILTMORE HOTEL WHICH IS SITUATED IN THE HEART OF THE -'" IIESERT AT THE FOOT OF THE SAN JACINfO MOUDITAINS . FOR FURTHER INFCRMATION ABOUT OUR R4TES AND FACILITIFS . . .JUST DROP A POST CARD TO THE BII,TMOFZ HOTEL, IN PALM SPRINGS . P,A,L,M. .S,P,R,I,N,G,S . PALM SPRINGS . . .WE WILL NOW CONTINUE WITH MORE A&ISICAL SEIECTIONS . RM Rrx 0 1 0184461 -6- MEL: P,a,1,m . .S,P,r,i,n,g,s . .Palm Springs . .-7~d-0 PIM SPRIPA3S! (SqJAWKS, SCR61 ;CfES & SCREANA HYST6RICALLY) (SOUND: DOOR OPENS. .RUNNING FO(YPSTEPS) JACK: Polly -- Po1ly . . Whet's wrong? --ML:-_~ (SIRGS) your cheating heart . .Will tell on you . (SQUAWKS JACK: `Poily, control yourself . MEL : (SINGS)-A11 elone, I'm so all alone, ther no one here but me . (SQItA1JK8) Polly, don't take it so~haad,_y6ur Dsddy loves you . JACK: r . MEL: (sINGS) I'm only a bird-'in a guilded oage . . JACK: Polly -- ~ \ ~ MEL: (GOING k`OR A BIG FINISH) . . a pitiful eight tosee! (SOUND : PIAP) JACK: Roohester, what happened? ~ ROOH : THAT LAST NOTE WAS TOO HIGH FOR HER, SHE LAID AN EGG1 -JACK: Rochester, close the suit case so we can get goirg . MEL : (SQUAWKS) Palm Springs . (CRIES) JA CK : Now nov, Po1ly,YOU can't go end that settles it . Rochester, take her in the other room . ROOH : YES SIR . COME ON, POLLY . MEL: (CRIES .4ND ilHIMPBRS. FADING OFF) (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) JACK: That parrot is getting more human every -- (SOUND: DOOR BUZZER) JACKt COME IN: ~ (SOUND : DOOR OPENS) ~ DEM1ffi:"Hello, IM . Benny. \j 0 rx 0 1 0184462 -7- ,z'.en.u,., JACK: We114 it's a`oout time you got here . (SGUPD : DOOR CLDSES) JACK: Well, Dennis, ere you ell set for Palm Springs? DENNIS: Well, I came over to tell you I can't leave today . I have to go have e tooth pulled . JACK: -) Tooth pulled . . Ch, that's a shame. Does it have a cavity? DENNIS : No . JACK : Does it ache? DENNIS: No. JACK: Wela, 7.Ct me see . . .Which tooth is it? DENNIS : The one on m:y watch chain . I got thrown out of the Elks . JACK: Dennis, stop being silly, and I want you to leave for So Palm Sppings today . 3iev go home end pack . ~ DENMS : Okay .,. .Mr .`3enny,, is it all right if I take my mother to Palm Springs with me2 JACK: Your mother? . .Well . . DE NINiS : She's alree9y bought a Fnench bathing suit . JACK : +„°>L? That's ridiculous . DENNIS :„/ ~ No it isn't . SCtis morning she tried it on and my father ; u GG.,a said she,7lcoked French : Really? . JACK DENNIS : Yeah, . .Mr. =_enny, who's General DeGaulle? JACK: Dennis, go home and pack . DENNIS : Don't you want t~o~ .1he ~ m,V~ ~ng first? k"4 .~KIA f*e JACK: -Gb yes' .g5-Hwad . . (APPLAUSE) (DEPIIVIS' SChG -- "GRANADA") . (APPLAUSE) RM ATX01 0184463 (SECOPID ROUfITIE) -A' JACK: 4~W/That was very good, Dexmis . 4 They'll love it in Palm Springs . DENNIS :Thank 0 (,,~u , JACK : Now Dennis, when you go there , stay on Highway 99 so you ~won't get lost . DENNIS {" I'm not driving down . / JACK : Oh, exe you taking the bus? DENNIS : No . JACK : . . .The train? DENNIS : No. JACK : .,,Are you flying? DENNIS : No . JACK : . .,Well, goodbye, Dennis . DENNIS : Goodbye . (SONID : DOOR CLOSES) JACK : „ vWQX, I guess it's better fe u me not to know how he's getting there then to ask him end spoil my whole vacation . . . Now let's see--- ROCH : (FADING IN)-.vnLL, BOSS, I'VE GC/P ALL THE LUGGAGE IN THE CAR . JACK : Good. . .come on, let's go . (SOL'LID : FOOTSTEPS, . .DOOR OPENS & CLOSES, . .FOCPSTEPS ON CEhF,.:T . . .CAR DOOR OPENS ., .PEOPIE GET'PING IN,,,CAR DOOR CLOSES) JACK : Are you sure all the lights are off, end the doors are sll locked, Rochester? ROCH : YES, SIR . Rrx 0 1 0 1 8 44 6 4 -9- JACK : Good . -, Start the car . ROCH : OKAY. (SOUND : THE USUAL CAR STARTER . . .TWICE . . .BIcPIIIING IT_7P0 MEL BLANC'S ACADEMY AWARD PERFORMANCc OF JACKI S CaR WITH THE ETYPIRE GAMUT OF SOiNDS WINDING UP WITH .,.~ .~ THE DYING DUCK GASP) )6„_ JACK : n Hmmmn .meybe we eraot a little weter in the gasoline . ROCH: I'D SETTLE IF WE HAD A LITfIE GASOLINE IN T1E WATER . JACK : Never mind, try the motor againJ ROCH : YES SIR . (SOUND : SAME SOUND, BUT EVEN MORE SO. . .AP9 THIS TIME NiL MOST AD LIB SEVERAL MORE THII`R :S APII) GO !U3SOLVPRLY CRAZY) JACK : -xavmw. .7The motor sounds as though it's going fror bed to vorse . ROCH : 3sF SOUfA. LTfE IT'S GOING FROM HERE TO ETERNITY . JACK : Rochester, don't be funny . . .try it once more . ROCH: OKAY . (SOUND : THIS TIM JUST THE STARTEft GOES e1ND THE :SCIfOR DOESN'T CATCH . . .THE STARTER WHIrIES AM) WHINES dldD RUNS DOdN) . JACK: 45mee;-T~e motor's not even cetching. . .msy'oe the battery's dead . ROCH: CAN'T BE THAT, MR . BENNY, I PUP 0 A NEW BATTERY^YGSTEHDAY . JACK: A new battery . .how much did it cost? ROCR : N01'HING, I GOP IT OUP OF YOUR FIASHLIGHI' . JACK : ; ~ : . Fr f it once more . (SOUPID : MCIPCR STARTER WHIPES . . .MEL TAKES GVIIt . . .TT CATCHPS AND FADES TO B .G . AS CAR GOES) LW RTyl 0 1 0184465 -10- JACK : There you are, Rochester .,the motor's going . .beck the car out of the garage . ROCH : WATT TILL THAT CROWD Gn'TS 0VT OF THE WAY : . . 4p_pr_ -I JACK : (CALLS) All right, folks4 6reekit up .,beat itl .(SLwrp wkly do they always gather when we try to start the car,) . . .You can go, Rochester, they're gone now . . (SOIIDID : CAR DRIVES OFF . . .LOUSY MOTOR FADES BUP Sl1STAIN B .G . ) (TRANSITION MUSIC) (SOUND : CAR GOINGI JACK : Rochester, there's Miss Livingstone's house, Repheoker . . .put on the brakes . (SOUND : TftE LONGEST SCREECH OF BAAKES POSSIBIE . . .IT GOES ON AND ON AND ON AND ON, THEN THE CAR STOPS) JACK : That's good, Rochester . . .you stopped right in front of the house . ROCH : YEAH, A~D IT ONLY TOOK US ONCE AROUND THE BLOCK TO DO IT . JACK : I imow,,,now keep the motor running, I'll go get Miss Livingstone . (SOUND : CAR DOOR OPENS . . .FOflfSTEPS ON SIDEWALK FOR COUPLE SECOPII S ,,,DOOR BUZZEN . . .SLIGHT PAUSE ., .DOOR OPENS) MARY : Hello, Jack, I'm all ready . .Gin..v JACK : Goodk h'll help you with your bags, MARY : Thenk#Y.~,here they are . JACK : Sey Mary,,,whet beautiful luggage, where did you get it? MPRY : I bought it,, .last week I got two hundred dollars on a quiz program . JACK : No kidding . .,on a quiz program? ZAJ ATYS09 0184466 MARY : Uh huh. . .I was picked out of the whole atudio audience because I worked for you. JACK : Ahhhh hehhhh, you see, Mary . . . it doesn't hurt being Pn q~.y ieY~d~t~'T hi . . .What question did you have to answer for them to give you two hundred dollars? . MARY : No question, they just felt sorry for me . JACK : Hnpnnnn . MARY : . The hesrt line called with food for a month . :r1i . ddn;C -'A'.ra JACK :wr Coms on, Mary, let's go . ~ MARY : Okay . . .let me lock the door, (SOIAm : DOOR LOOKS . . .FOOTSTEPS oN WALK OF M4N & WOMAN) JACK : Rochester, put Miss Livingstone's bags in the carf .Z/ ~ ROCH : YES SIR . (SOIIAID : CAR DOOR OPENS) ROCH : N(A+' IET'S SEE, WHERE CAN I PUT TEEM? MARY : Jack, you're only going to be away for two weeks . . .why have you got all that luggage piled on top of the car? JACK : That isn't luggage, Mary. MARY : Then what is it? ROCH : A TENf, WE ' LL K4VE TO CAMP'i"dICE SEPHEEN HERE AND PALM SPRING S. JACK : Oh stop, Rochester . . . . that's not why we're carrying it . MARY : ~ Then w}hy are you carrying it? JACK : . Never mind . . .Now Rochester, are we ready to go? ROCH : YES SIR . . .I PLT MISS .LIVI NG STONE'S IdRiCAGE IN THE TRUNK . (SOUim : CAR DOOR CLOSES . . . MOTOR UP . . .FADE TO B .G . . . . AUPO HORN BEuPS) LW ATSl01 0184467 -12- JACK : Now let's relax and have a pleasant drive . MARY : Rochester, turn on the redio . . .xill you, please? ROCH : YES, MA'AM. (SOUID : CLICK . . . STATIC SQUEAL9 ) HY : (FILTER) REb16hBER FOLBS, THER E ARE ONLY FOURTH'EN MORE SHOPPING DAYS TILL CHRISTMNS . . .AND AS OUR HOLIDAY SPECIAL WE ARE CURRENPLY FEATURING A PLATINUM NECKLACE WITH A FOUR CARAT DIAMOND PEPmANf FOR ONLY NIIM THOUSArN1 AlID FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS . . .THIS CAN BE PURCHASED ON OUR EASY LAY AWAY PL4N OF ONLY ONE DOLLAR DQJN AND ONE DOIdlSi A WEEK UNTIL THEY LAY YOU nA AWAY~, .NUd BACK TO THE MUSICAL PORTION OF OUR PROGRAM . . . FOR Trv re OUR NE XT NUMBER WE WILL HEAR THE SPORTSMEN QUARTEP . 1; -.~.w.n., .. . .WE WFRE SUPPOM- D TO HAVE THE INK .SPC/PS, BUT WE FELT SORRY FOR THE SPORTSMEN. JACK : Why do they feel sorrg for evexgbody?,v4 r✓'/Z"'~"' ~~'t' ' HY : (FILTER) THEIR PMT N[IDffi8R WILL BE '$L COMPARI . " Rrxoi 0 984468 -13- QUART : EL COMPARI, CIVOSUNAHI CHI SI SONA, U FRISCAIE'P:'U E COMUSI SONA U FRISCAIETTU (WHISTIE ) U FRISCAIETTU TIPI TI TIP1Ti :~ EL CON,PARI, CI"TUS'JNARI CHI SI SONA, LgAYAFONA E COMUSISONA, U SAXAFONA U SAXAFONA, U TRISCOLEPTI TIPITI TIPITI T .i JACK: That's a cute song, Mary. I wonder what the wor3s mean? QUART : HERE'S THE MEANING, IF THEtU ; IS ANY, PUFF A LUCKY WTTH MR . BENNY, BE HAPPY GO LUCK Y LEf'S LIGHT A LUCKY A LUCKY STRIKE TEE SMOISE I LIICG THERE'S NEVER A PUFF T3C4T'S EVER ROUGH L.S .S ., M .F .F .T OUR MUSICIANS AFi: REALLY FOR IIS WE PAY THEM A LUCKY FOR EVERY CHORUS WE IQVOW WHAT T,EY'RE SAYING NCk! AS TAEY'RE PLAYING IT'S LUCKY STRIl{E THE SMOISE WE LIKE T?3ERE'S NEVER A PUFF Tfi4T'S EVER ROLLH MUCH BEi"TER TASTE WE ALL AGREE L.S .S . M .F .F„ L.S .S . M.F .F.T (APPL1USE ) Arx 01 0 1 e 446 9 (THIRD ROUTINL) -14- (SOUND : MOTOR GOING FOR S:7J'i3Ri1L SCCONDS . .TRAFFIC NOISE . 4UT0 HORN Bi~PS . . .TFEIV FADE i{OTOR AND SUSTAIN IN B .: . ) MARY : Say, we're ma'kinE pretty Goo3 t':me today . RGCH: YOU'RL' RIGHT, MISS ISVINGSTOYi . . .WC JUST PAS,ii.D THROUGH PAS4DUP4. . JACK : Gosh, I wonder why the traffic Is so thick . tMRY : It's people ntill cominG home from last year's Rose Bowl Gsme . JACK : . . .Last year's Rose Bowl Game . . . ;dnry, stop mekir g up such ridiculous things . RUBIN : (Or^F NQiC . . .SINGS) "On }Iisconsin, on Wisconsin, break right~through{~.that line . . . V Y/~Oi4:f~F AdLI LIF/~L JACK : ~~~ making it cp . . .You know, Mary, sometimes I think 4L.i!'- - - ROCH : LICCUSE hE, NC . B}]VNY -- JACK : What is it, Rochester? ROCH : WE'RE GETTING KIND 0B TAN ON GAS . JACK : 4!e are? Well, pull into that G°-s station on the corner.Ww l( _ ROCH : OKAY . ("a^.LiiD : MEDIUM LONG `.k.UtAL_FIG OF BRAIGS AS CAR COPIi,S TO STOP) M¢1L : (M001.'1') 1T8i, yes sir, . .cen I-r.elp you? JACK : Yes, we'3 like some Gas . ND%L : Yes sir, wou13 you like Regular or P.thyl? JACK : Hmm . .let me see . .I wonder what urou11 be best for t his car . NMAFi : Blao3 . JACK : Mary, please . .I'11 take the regular . H4 arx 01 01eaa 7 0 P7EL : Flll It up? JACK : 1Jell . . .no4 . .nut inAthree gallans . PMRY : For heaven's sakos, Jack . :ahy 3on't you fill it uu? JACK : Mary, three is enougn ; But you'll have to stop . MARY at anothar gas station fo r ~✓ more .4 Why 3on't you fill it up ? JACK: Well . . all riLht . . .Fi11 it up, Mister . ROCH: (WAY UP) CH DOY, iJAIT'LL I TELi, THE BOYS AT t:-FL IAD3D AHOUT THI S I JACK : Never min3, Rochester . . Cyo ehea3 and fill the tank, Mister . aG3L : Yes sir . MARY : Jack, uha*. do you plan on 3oin :; in Palm Springs? (FTZ i:0W iv:AR THC SOUND OF -+N AUMYtTIC GAS PUMP GOING . .IT GOES WITH A WHI'rtING AND SLIGHT GRINDING SCiinID, ANDF.'PSRY COUPTF. OF .SECONAS ABA GALLDN MARF: 13 Rx^ACHDD WL ISEAR TNM PING OF A .SELL .THESE ?INGO CObiE EXACTLY 1VkT<,RE i'HEyARR INDICA'LCDIN IN Jj~ C'.'S- RTYSU1 0184471 15- =<< JACK : We11 ., just rest . .relax and (PING) one have a good time . I'm go1ng to take a dip in the (PING) two swiv¢ning pool every morning and then play a round of (PING) three galf afterwar3s . Tl:a.t way I'll ;;et plenty of (PING) four sun and in the afternoons I'11 just relax an3 (?NG) five rest till dinner time . There are so many goo3 places to (PING) six eat in Palm Springs like the Dunes, Doll House and Don tiie Beach (PING) seven combers and 1 U of others . Some ni ghts I mey : go on (PING) eight (YELL4) SI7R kTAVIHS SAITS Tf3AT'S IIVOUGH GAS, STOP AI8IADY ...... Gee whiz . MGL: Okay, Mistor . .Now I'll check your oil and tires . JACK: Good . MEL: Hey tdister . .3o you know you've got a big iio'_e in your right rear tire? JACK : I know, I know . b E L : bte11, ho i; come it doesn't go flat? JACK : Because tce tire was fi11e3 up in Los An ;;eles . MGL: ;>'~ Whzt's that got to do witin it? WRY : The smog is too thick to leak out . JACK: Yeah . MEL : ;'- ., Mister, I can sell you a new set of tires very - reasonable . JACK : Not rlght now . .you see, they're making so many improvements in tires these days, r_'ll nait a little 6• 441 lon„er . BA Rrx 0J 0 1134 422 -'-7- N1F.L: We1l, I've got the latest thinC rig;it here . .tubeless tires . FOCH: l E 'S E W?.Y :HLA L OF'14fAT, IiG GOT TI.7-LESS TUBES . JACK : Never m:n3, Ro :hester . .just check tize oil, Mister . MGL : Yes, sir . (SCL:iD: HOOD GOING HP . .LITTli, NGI:v:S OF OIL BEIAI> CP.%C.i^.D) MEL: Well, the oil is okay, but I notice3 the pulley on your generator is crackel . .you better get a new one, or you"-i :ave lots of trouble . JACK : Well . . .oPZy, put one in . MEL : I'm sorry, out xe don't have eny parts for tnis ca^ . JACK: Oh . .wel-i, is there a M:awell flealer in this toun? b1GL : Yeah . JACK: Where? NGL : In the ce=etery . JACK : Well, it' li be all right .,; How :mmh do I owe-- (SCOND : GALLU?ING HORS:, r^Ai7i'B IN) JACK : What's that" DENPiIS : HI HO Aii4Yl (SCLi?D : HOOHS b)1ffi AWAY) JACK : ~&v Chat's :, M Dennis io ,qoing to Palm Springs . :::ell, what do you know . . .Sa.y Mister, how much do I owe you? TT'cL : That's t:J o dollars and fifty cents . JACK : Okay, i"__ -- MEL : Wait a minute, idister-- ~ JACK: HuH? "AEL : I just recognize3 you . .ain't you Jack Benny? Arx 0 1 0184473 -18- TACK : Yes~~I m . MEL : Gee, Mr . Benny . .what a pleasure meeting you . .How I love you in the movies . JACK: You io? MEL : Yeah . .I think you was won9erful in "To Be Or Not To Be" . . "Charlie's Aunt", "George Washington Slept Here", and "Quo Va9is" . JACK ; . . .Well, thank you . . .Now you say the gas was two and a half dollars? MEL : Uhhuh . ACre's three dollars, keep the change . ~ t~L: ^hank outt ~ / JACK : (CONFIDr7iTIALi.Y) An3 Mister, tpY9our information, I wssn't in "Quo Vadis" _ ~ MEL: I know, but what--kfnd of a ti u11 I have got if I mentioned- that lousey "Horn Blows at Mldnignt"? JACK: .--Hmm,~look fellow, I don't think that vas very nice,of ~MEL : ;~ Excuse me, Mr . Benny, here comes another customer . (SCUND : NICE CAR ARIVDS IN AND COMES TO 3T0?) MEL: Yes sir, what can I do for you . BOB : Fill it up .,V . : Well, Bob'. . JACK BOB: why, Jack . .Hi . .Hello, Mary,/Roch . IMHY: Hello, Bob . ROCH: HELLO, MR . CROSBY . - MEL: Excuse me, Mister, you want reC,ular or Ethyl? BA Rrx 01 01844?4 -19- BGB : Ethy1l(1&"'"a"(SOUND : S4M SGUND OF PUM1IP GOING AND AGAIN HtAR FINGS IN S?DECH Nir'lCRE INDICATM) JACK : Gosh, Bob, isn't it a coinci3ence, we're all on our way to Palm (PING) one Springs and we meet at the same gas (PING) two station-- MARY: JACK, STO? COUNTING, IT'S BOB'S CAR . JACK: Oh, yes, yes . .I forgot . .Gee, Bob, it's a shame that you have to make the drive all alone . BOB : I'm not alone . JACK : Huh? ~{ Gl4wt ,{ FiL,V/ ~.c BOB : G~ Look in the back,~Remt~ley, Kimmick and Bagbylaying there . JACK: , Oh . BGB: .i'w This car is that new Hudson, the kind you fall down into . JACK : I know, I know . MARY : Bob, you only mentioned Remley, Kivusick and Begby . . . isn't Sammy the Drummer coming to Palm Springs? BOB : Oh, 3ammy's coming, but .,not until ,just before we do our broadcast aia there? He hates the sun . JACK : ':ihy? BOB : Well, you know how bald Satt¢ny is . .an3 he d esn't like his scalp to Set sunburned . MNRY : Well, can't he aear a hat? BOB : No, if he covered his head, he'3 lose the fifty dollars a week a 3isti1l~ ery .pays iiim . JACK : A 3ist111eryq paoys~hLilm~fifty dollars a week not to cover his head? Arx 01 01 e 44?5 -20- EOB : Yeah ., They've got "Don't be Vague, say Hai ~ and Haig" painted up there . JACK : IJell, they coul9n't have picked a better head ti:an 3atNp~ 's . It's shaped like a pinch bottle . MARY : Bob, thl`s is none of my business, really . .but :f the boys in the band are such a bunch of iioo3luns, •:; hy don't you get rid of them? JACK : 7,/ 0.S funny, Mary, I asked Bob the same tiiing last week, and he told me that their private lives are t:e+_r own business . BOB : That's right, Mary• .an3 these boys have a lot of experience . JACK: Yeah . .Bob told me that his boys spent two yean s with Wayne King . BOB : No, no, Jack, not Wayne King, Waste King, the7 nse3 to install them . JACK : Oh, oh, oh . MARY : By the way, Bob, how come your wife isn't coci*..- to the Springs with you? ' BOB : Oh, she''-1 be up for the week-en3,Mary . .Sha's brin g ing the kids . MARY : All five of them? S :fL; BOB : . •~Ai .Au1a, and the maid and the cook, too . hARY : But-Ba§, won't it be har3 fin3lr~ izotel reservations for that many people? BOB : ~r I 3on't have to worry about that, Jack's renting me a tent . JACK: All right, Mary, now you know, are you happy? . . .Come on, Rochester, let's go . Hrx 0 1 0184476 RGCH: Yh S SIR . JACK: See you in Palm Springs, Bob . ALL : (AD LIB GOODBYB) (SOUND: GOOD f,IOTOR S7ARTS AND DRIYiS OFF) ~. _ JRCtE~.Come on, .^,ochester, let's 6et ROCH : YCS 3 ._ _ -_ (SOUND : T13USYtRRZSTARTS AND DRINS OFF . . . DRNBS lUR A FLii 9iCONDS_ . .SUSTAIN IN ._... . .G .) _ .~__. --'~----__ B JACK : Rochester, make this right turn here ROCH : BUT N1R . BIVNY, I-7G SHOULD GO STAAIGHT AgiAD . MARY ; Rochester's right, Jack . .this Isn't the way to Palm Springs . JACK : Look, b]ary, I know a short cut . . .Rocitester, turn here . P.OCH: 1T.S SIR . (TBANSITION MUSIC) (SOUND: IAUSY CAR IAOTOR ItADDS IN) i4ARY : Jack, are you sure this short cut takes us to Palm Springs? arK 0i 0 1 e 44? ? JACK : Of course I'm sure . ROCH: BUT MIIi . BFNNY, WE'VE BT.SN DRIVING THRM HOURS SP.QCi WE LE.Ff TH6 CAS STATION . MARY : YeB4 and it's getting dark . .we should have been in Palm Springs 1on g ago . JACK: Mary, I know what I'm 3oing . .I've taken thts :•oa3 many times an3--Bee, see--we're in the 3esert . .see the san3 . X~ - DLiRY : Yeary and I see the sign, £firseye TAVIna Beach . JACK : Oh for heavens sakes . . Rochester,you must have made a wrong turn . . Now go back to the main h1,^;hway [wd-- MhRY : ~ Jack . .Jack, look up in the air : ,nL JACK : / It's, a'b1r3'. MGL: (SQUAWK) P, A, L, M . . S, P, R, I, N, G, S +Faeuu~ JACK ; Well, what do you knmH =aHy . . S.'>e'~ Plyi~g to Palm Spriq;s . (APPL4USE 8: PL\YCFF) PA arx 01 01844 a 13 -23- Nation ~ %, JACK : I wi`i'~1'be back in a minute to tell you about my television show which goes on immediately afte r program on the CBB Ta1svlHien Network but first, a word to cigarette smokers . . . 2acific Coast : I wi11 be back in Just a minute to tell you a';oct my JACK television show that goes on tonight at 7 P[d o•jer the CBS ;elevision network but first, a word to cigarette smokers ...... A rxoy 01844 79 THE JACK BINNY PROGRAM DLCr, MmER 6, 19=9 CLOSING CONIDIGRCIAL COLLINS : Iuckies taste better'. CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoothert COLLINS : tmkies taste better'. CHORUS : Cleaner, n-esher, Smootiier : For iucky Strike means fine tobacco : Richer-tasting fine tobacco'. COLLINS : Luckieu taste bettor'. CHORUS : Cleaner, r esher, Smoother' . Lucky Strike! Lucky Strikel WIL°ON : Frien3s, you know, this whole mattea of smokinC enjoyment can all be simnne3 up in mjust one • .+c^3 . Taste! Yes, smoking enjoyment is all a matte , of taste . A :;3 the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . Cleaner, Fr esher, Smoother . Now Luckies taste better for two reasons . PYrst -- IS/h4: -- Uacky StrS :ce aeans fine tobacco . Then, too, Luckiea taste better because they're made better . . . ma3e round and firm and fully packed, to 3sau freely and smoke evenly . Yes, made for lOCF,b smok'_ng enjoymenti And because Luckies do taste better, they'11 r..ake won3eri u 1 Christmas gifts . As a matter of fact right now, you'll find luckies all dressed up in festive Christmas cartons, specially created by the famous designer, Raymon3 Loewy . (6pfE) 8 rx 0 1 01 8 44 8 0 THE JACK BLlJNY PROGRAH -D- ncrrnmr.R 6, 195 o CIASING COMfE:RC7AL (CONT']'.) WILSON : These colorful Lucky Strike Cnristmas ca:•tons make a (CONT'D) most welcome [yift for anyone on your Chriatras List . You'll find these holiday cartons of Luckies nnerever you buy ci;;arettes . Be sure to get enou _ont Make it a Happy Go IIucky Christmas . . . give your famlly and friends Christmas cartons of the cigarette thet does taste better . . . LuckY Striket SPORTM[r Be Happy - Go Lucky UARTGT : U]NG CU)SD)bbr Christmas gifts this yeer : RrXO1 0184481 _2q- Tag - National . Ladies and in just 30 secon3s I wil': be JACK; gentlemen '. doing my television show over the CBS z'ae . 4...9^ network and I wi11 have as my 6AaestS,' Irene IIanne, Vincent Price, and Gregory Ratoff . .Goo3night, folks . See you in 30 seconds . Tag - Pacific Coast JACK : La31es and Gentlemen, tonight at 7 PAI I will be 3oing my television show over the CBS Televisicn network anfl I wi11 have as my guest, Irene Dunne, Vincent Price, and Gregory Ratoff . . Goo3aigc-,, folks . See you at 7 :00, tonight . Rr 901 0184482 -25- DJN : The Jack Benny Show tonipht xas written by Milt Jose£sber G , John Tackaberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliar5 Marks . Be sure to hear The American Way crith Horace Heidt for Lucky Strike every Thurs3ay over this seme station . Consult your newspaper for the time . The Jack Benny Proaram was brourht to you by Lucky Strike product of the American Tobacco Company . . . . America's 1ea3inii manufacturer of ciGarettes . A rxoi 0184463 PROC3iAM #14 RhVISID SCRIPT ' AMIRICAN TOBACCO COMPANY T7JCISY STRIISE TRE JACK BENR71 PROGRAM SIInrDAy DECNMBFR 13 1953 CBS 4 :0D-4 :30 PM PST (TPAMSCRIBID DEC . 6, 1953) (R4LM SPRINGS, CALIF .) GH HTX 0 1 0184484 -A- T H ' AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY TFE JA K PENNY PRCGRAM #14 7 : 00 - 7 :30 PM EST L E CgbIDIIi 23, 1953 SUNDAY OPEM M C064' ERCIAL WILSON: THE JACK BENNY PRCCRAM . . . transcribed end presented by II!CKY STRIKE : COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco! Richer-testing fine tobecco! COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! Lucky Strike! Lucky Stike! WILSON: This is Don Wilson, friends, hove you smoked a fresh cigarette lately? You have, if you've omoked s Lucky . . . because The American Tobacco Company, the makers of Lucky Strike know hoW vitally important freshness is to the taste of a cigarette . That's vhy every day in tke- manufacturing plants vhere Luckies are made hundreds of packs of Luckies are carefully tested for the tightness of their cellophane seal . . . so you'll get Lackies' better taste in all its netural freshness . Yes, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste . (MOE E ) RM Rrx 0 1 0 1 e 4485 OPAVINC CCNINQ;RCLIL (CONT'D) -g- WL:SGN : And the fact of the metter is Luckies taste better . (CONf'D) Cleaner, f r esher, smoother . There a:•e two t: 2inis that account for this better taste . P'Srst -- fine tobacco -- fine, naturally mi'-3, ;;oo3-tast'-n;; tobacco goes into Lacky Strike . Then, Luckies are made . better -- made roun3, firm, fu11y-packel to 3raw freely an9 smoke evenly . 3o fo^ a bette- tastinG, fresher tasting cigarette, 1i ;nt up a Lucky . You'11 agree smoking enjoyment is all a matte^ of taste a .n3 the fact of the matter is Uackies taste better . Be Happy -- Go lucky -- with a carton of Lucky Strike . COLLTNS : Luckies taste better : . CHOROS : Cleaner, ;resher, Smoother'. Iucky Strike : Lucky Strike! GH ATH 01 01184466 -I- (DEC . 13th. 9HUd--to be transcribed Dec . 6) (FIRST RWTINE) (AFTER COMMERCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : FROM PALM SPRISGS, CALIFORNIA, THE IJJCILY STRIISE PROGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY .,WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPLAUSE . .MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET'S GO BACK TO YESTERDAY MORNING, AND VISIT TNE $MPLOYMENT OFFICE OF ONE OF PALM SPRINGS LEADIRT3 IEPARTMENT STORES . (SOUND: FAINT DEPARTMENT STORE BELLS) HY : Now looking at your record, Mr . B1a77c,I see that you've worked in our Los Angeles store for seven years . MEL : (SIdGHT MOOIEY) That's right, eir. HY : And just why did you want to transfer from our Los Angeles store to our Palm Springs store? MEL : For my health, sir . HY: Ch, I see . .Your doctor thought the sunshine and fresh air would be good for you . MEL: Not aw doctor, my psychiatrist . HY : Ohh. .you've been visiting a psychiatrist? : Uhhuh ~ MEL : Did you see. HY him ofSsn?'"-"~-, MEL: Mister;Z wes on his couch so much eil-his_other patients -- had to lay_ on the floor. . ._ ...... _-_.'___ . HY: R~. .Tell me, Mr . B1anc . .Just what was it that caused you to go to the psychiatrist? TB arx 01 0 1 e4 487 _2_ MEL: A customer that kept coming into the store ever year, fust before Christmas . HY : . .A :. .customer? MEL: Yesh. .he first came into the store in 1946 . .He was a kindly looking blue-eyed old gentlemen . .He bought a Chriatmea present end then six times during the day he came beck, pestered me, end exchanged it for a different model . I_w%C l HY: A What was the gift he kept exchanging? MEL: Shoe laces . HY: He bought shoe laces for a Christmes present? MEL : Yeah, for someone nerced Don . HY :i SHow could he possibly exchange shoe laces six times? MEL: . Flrat he bought the laces with metal tips . .then he ¢ams back because he thought plastic tips looked more modern: .(BFX;INNIITi TO GET EXCITED) . .sonn he was back again, he wes afraid the plastic tips mizht crack so he vent back to metal tios . . . THEN HE GGT TO THIPIICING THE METAL TIPS NIIGHT RUST, 50 HE CAME BACK TO CHAPC,B THEM TO PLASTIC TIPS . .(HYSTERICAL) . . SIX TIMES HE CHAIICFD HIS MIND . .PL4STIC TIPS, AM~'t L TIP3_, PLASTIC TJ D2TAL TIPS . . .(RFALLY i'dANIk1CAL) . .PLASTIC 2IPS,PBTAL TIPS . . (HE EHIJ9 OFF WITH H75TEiICAL SCRFAcING AND CRYING . ) HY:w..Control yourself, stop screaming, people wlll think that you just saw the Palm Springs prices . ~ WL : (COI3TROLLING HDNSELF) I'm serry, sir .•.Then every year since then, this man has been back buying gifts for Don end exchangi;g them. .One year it wes e wallet . .once it was cuff links . . . TB F9r 90 1 0184488 HY :,,,al~, What did he buy this Don last Christmae? MEL: A gopher trap ; A gopher trap? Well,. HY tell me, Mr . Blanc,, .do you feel that you i re well enough naw to go back to work? MEL: Ohyes% . . theapsychiatrist gave me some pills which I . . ~ always carry with me I,teke one whenever I start to get excited, dle HY : -' Go d . . Now P m going to assign you to the date department . MEL: The date department? HY : Yes ._ there you'll meet mostly tourists from the East who wish to send some of these delicious dates back home, MEL : VeOA-, thank you, sir. . thank you very much. HY : Well, you better get to work, Mr . B1anc .- the store has been open for hs.lf an hour already . MEL : Yes, Sir . . --Nf: -~Ama RH ATXOI 0184499 -Wad Yee;-s4rrrthere~e-net-mnotrehaneo-oF-nunn#ng• into-thatBlue---£yedSimon Legree-down-here-r-rl'-ll-go--to-srork ; --- (SOUND : DOOR GPENS . . .STOI E NOISES UP AND P0WN . . DEPARTMENr STOI E BELLS . .NOISES FA1:E OUT .) MARY: You know, Jack, I must admit this wes a good idea of yours . . doing your Christmas shopping here in Palm Springs . l~wI m,zvl . . . JACK: ..Sure ..teft~r all, this is a branch of the Los Angeles store . . end they have everything here . .Now let's see my shopping list . . ._ ._ . Gee, I have to get loeds of gifta .;' m~, ~doc~i er what to gat my-writers . _ . MARY : Jack,~why dcn't . .you get them each a .goldpencil? JACK : No, Mary . .that seems tied.up'withtheir work . .I'd like to get them something different . .eomething they can't afford . . something they wouldn't buy themselves . ,_-MARY: Why don't you get them shoes? JACK: Sey, that's a good idea . .NOw, what!11 I get for my secreatery, J~qanette? . MARY :,You ought to get her something nlce . .you like her, don't you2 lid? JACK: Uh huh . .She's very pretty, and she's got a wonderful figure . . I'm lucky to have a secreetry like her . ~ MARY : hlny don't you get her a game of Scrabble? JACK: No, no, she can't spell . . .She can't take shorthand either . . . I may heve to let her go if she doesn't learn how to type soon. . .But she's a wonderful secretary . .Now let's see . . MARY: Jack, have you thought about your sister Florence? TB 8 rx 0 1 0 1 84490 -5- JACK : Yes, quite often, . Now let's see . MARY : Jaek, I mean how about getting her a gift? JACKa Oh, IP11 get her something . . Now let's see . . . Gee, I don't know what to get my sponsor . MARY : How about a nice fountain pen? JACK:jW ! That's a good idea, Mary . . I'll vaet you back here later . MARY : ~ Okay . (SOUND : STORE NOISES . . Bx:[d8) JACK : I wonder what department I can get Pountain pens . . Where's the floorwelker, I'll ask hipy.-Maybe-Chab-+e~ver.-tAeM kXloHS.. . Oh, Mister. .MISTER. RH RT3S01 0184491 -6- NELSON : IYESS55SSSS . _ JACK : R Hmmnm . Mister, have you seen the floorwalker4~ NELSON I , mthem floorwalker, stupid . JACK : Now wait a minut_e . .~.don+t`call me stupid . . how could I tel_j rrosrtFie way you ' re dredaed2_ ~ alkers wear sud saits .__ --NRhSC 11- Palm Springs all floorw JACK: Hmmmm. . . look, I want to buy some gifts . . . NELSON : Gifts, eh. . You're probably buying them for business associates and relatives . JACK: Thatts right, how did you know? NELSON : I 31dn't t:^.ink you P.e3 eny fl.riends! JACK; Look, that-s none of your business. . Now I want to buy a fountain pen ., does this store have any NELSON: Yes . . we have ball points, regulars and the new Palm Springs pen. JACK: A Palm Springs pen? NELSON : Yes, you fill it with sun tan oil and write love letters in the sand . JACK : Oh, never mind . . I'll find the place myself . . . ( SWND : FOOfSTEPS) JACK : Tiie.U,ji11y floor walker . . . I think I can get the pens on the next floor, . . ( SC'i1ND : STORE NOISSS UP AND BELLS) RH RTtS01 0184492 7-8-9 JACK: Well, I got the fountain pen for my sponsor . . Now I~" got to get something for Itickey Marks, my producer, and Bert Scott and-- MARY : Oh, Jack, Jack . JACK Oh, there you are, Mary . MARY What took you so long? Did you get the present for your sponsor? JACK Uh huh . . ard I was just wondering what to get-,Par the two C.B.S . telephone operators, Mable Flapsaddle and Gertrude ~• .`o .Geare4;t. . . Mary, what would ;you~auggest for them? MARY: Well, I don- t know, Jack . ~~ . . how much do you want to spend? JACK:'~~tiAbout five dollars apiece . MARY: Why don't you get them each a hundred Gillette Blue Blades . RH 19 rx 01 0184493 -10- J- - JACK: No, Mary ! .I gave them thet lest year„Well, I'11 think of something. .NOw let's see, who else-- SHELDON: Hiya, Bud. JACK: Huh? SHELDON : Long time no see . JACK: Yeah yeah, come on, Mary, let's go . O{ M4RY : Jack, wasn't thet+fellow 6Ne-- ~- _ ,~ JACK : Yes . Mary, he's the-'race track tout4 A"J* probebly~ resting up here till Santa Anlta opens . .9ovKt9R, jet's get away from him . (SOUND : FEW FOOTSTEPS) JACK: Well, that takes care of practically everybody on my list except Don Wilson . .He's always such a problem . -yon+ve'-- ~#vert-trira-so--msny-d#tferettt•gi€ts : '9ACiFc- You're-right;-M.ary-::-I-wonder-vhak-I-cengive-h}m--thia--~y MARY: Wait a minute, Jeck . .since we're all down here in PaL^: Springs, why don't you give him something in keeping with ..-veC(-' - the resort . .likea.like . .e nice box of dates . . JACK: Mary, I think you've got }ti A ~ oves to eat . .Come on, let's go to the date department . MARY : No, Jack . .I've still got some of my own shopping to do . . I'll meet you later et the sportswear department . JACK: Okey . .I'11 be there in about ten minutes . .Now let me see . .where's the date depertment? . .I better ask the floor walker . .Oh, Mister . .Mister . . . NELSONe Oh, it ' s you again . TB arx 01 0'184494 JACK: Yes„Look, can I get to the date department by going past the sporting goods section end taking the lest aisle to the leftiaaW NELSON: Just this once, but don't ever do it again . . JACK: B", pnenks . (SOUND : STORE NOISES UP ANO IIOdN) JACK: Ah, here's where they sell the detes . .Oh, clerk. .clerk . . . MEL: Yes eir, what can I dooooo000000000000000000000000 JACK : Wnat'setheVmetter, clerk? MEL: Nothing, nothing . .(TO HIMSELF) He doesn't recognize me . . I'll be calm,whst can he do to me in the dete department . . . (UP AGAIN) yes sir, what can I do for you? JACK:, ~ Am these dates fresh? M1gL: J, Yes sir, they're grown right here it Palm Springs, under dub most ideal conditions . JACK : What do you mean, ideal conditions? Dese dates are kissed ell day by duh hot desert sun till three o'clock when it goes behind dub mountain end then they're in neture's deep freeze . JACK: Oh. .Well, this box looks very nice . .I'11 take it . ..~ux ` MEL : That's a dollar sixty-five . JACK: Fine, I'd like it gift-wrapped . MEL: I know, I know . Z JACK: And put this card in with it, MEL: Okay. .excuse me while I wrep it et that counter over there . (SOUND : COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS, .WRAPPING OF GIFT WRAPPING CONfINQES AS MEL TAIRS) TB R1' 90 1 0984495 -12- MEL : (TO SELF) (Gee, that wasn't bad at e11 . .I didn't even have to take a single pi1l . .There, .now to cut the ribbon) (SOUId1 : SCISSOR SNIP, . .F0015TEPS) MEL : Here you are, Mister . .e11 wrapped for Christmas . .red and green ribbon end everything . JACK: Thanks„ Gee, I hope Don likes these detes . MEL: I'm sure he wi11 . .Most everybody likes these plain dates better then the ones stuffed with nuts . JACK: .you have dates stuffed with nuts? AES,: (TO HIMSELF) (I hed to tell him yet . .Why didn't that psychiatrist teach me to keep my mouth shut) JACK: ~ Let me see a box of the ones stuffed v ;th nuts . MFd,: ~f!,^ Mister, you vouldn't like 'em . . he~wo~ul-dn't like 'em . . . nobody would like 'em, believe me, believe me : JACK: Oh, here they are„ right here . .Say, they do look delicious . MEL: But, Mlster, . JACK: After all, Christmes only comes once a year, I may as well give Don the best . .I went this box wlth the stuffed dates . .-__ _~_._ ._ . . ._ ._.._. ...__....._.~.._ ._, ._ _. . __ .___.__~ MEL: Okay, okay, JACK : Now gift wrap this box . MEL: I will, I will . JACK: And unwrap the box of plaindates, b+EL : (MAD) Whatdo I have to unwrap them for, I con sell 'em to another customer . JACK: Not with my cerd in them. MEL: My pills, my pills . .where ere my pills . .Oh, here they ere, . (MAKES GULPIPXi SWAL1AWIrE3 NOISES) JACK: Clerk, those pills aren't going to do you any good . HiX 0 1 018449 6 MEL : Why not? JACK : You're supposed to take them out of the bottle before swallowing them . MEL: Maybe I'll be lucky -- maybe the glagsxill,kill me . . . . Here, here's your card from the:p18+1n,, et~ets~u JACK: You keep it . . .put it in the stuffed date box . MEL : Okey . . .excuse me while I wrap it . . . (SOUND : WRAPPING PAPER, 8TC) vt JACK : Oh, clerk,4hold it a minute -- MEL: Now what? JACK: I just thought of something. . .that card is a printed one . . it's too formal . . .I'm going to xrite something more personal . MEL: Okay, I fooled you this time . . .I didn't put the card in the package . JACK : 6fcat? MEL: Nothing, nothing . . .you write the card, I'11 wrap the package . JACK : Okay . . .now let me see . .Oh yes . .I'11 write him a little poem : TO DON. . .THIS CHRISTMAS I'M GIVING YOU SOMETHING TO CIBW THESSllEISCIOUS DATES AND NUTS TO YOU . . . . . 3fim¢mn. . . that doesn't sound right . MEL: Okay, Mister, here's your package . JACK: Thanks . I+IEL : Tnet'll be two dollars and fifteen cents. JACK: I thought it wes a dollar sixty-five . MEL: That was for the plain detes . JACK: Well, there aren't any more dates in this box, are there? Arx 01 018449? MEL : No, but these are stuffed . JACK : Well, look, Mister, I'm not going to pay fifty cents extra for a few nuts . MEL: But look -- JACK: It's not the money, It's just that I don't went to be a sucker about these things . . .I went the plain ones . MEL: (VERY CALMLY) And you want them gift wrapped? JACK: Vn huh . I+EL: (AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE) ALL RIGHT, I'LL WRAP 'EM, I'LL WR4P 'EM . JACK: Good, I'll be bsck and pick them up later . . .I 4~ got to meet someone in the sportswear department . (SOUND : STORE NOISES AND BELLS UP AND DOWN) JACK : Gee, I don't went to keep Mary waiting but I cen'tfind the sportweer -- BOB : (OOMING IN) Why hello, Jack . JACK: Oh hi, Bob, .,you doing your Christmea shopping, tooR~;~,,' ~. BOB : Yeah, me and my piano player, Charlie Begby hove been here all morning . z ~~ ' JACK: Oh, Bagby's here !: .he's not in Los Angeles? BC3 : No, I brought him with me to Palm Springs . . .I felt that as..~ the change of gutters would do hlm4good, JACK : I hope so,, .where 3s Charlie now? ,/ SOB : .0h, he sneeked away from me . . .Inthink he didn't went me to see what he's getting me for Christmaa .n It's just as we11„ : wanted to do some shopping for the boys in the band . JACI : Uh, you're buying Charlie's gift now? arx 01 01 e 44 9e -15_ ~- BOB : No, I've got his already-r'M stuck on what to get for Frank Remley . don' t JACK : ;:,.JAl Look, Bob . . . that should be no problem. . . Why you -/ I&~ .'- get Frankie a coxdla.lCi like, . like a bottle of Drambuie? BOB : ~,at, Jack, that's a nice gift, but not for Remley, . . You see, -- - - - -that's an after dinner drink . JACK : So what? BOB : Well, Remley never quite lasts till after dinner . JACK: I see what you mean,~Ymeant to ask you, Bob,,, what are you gjetting your brother Bing for Christmas? q. C .~ e,~X .deu ! ~ ~/c.d9 ; ao BOB : , I' :A going t give him an Admiral Refrigerato ,°-- "- nae-MObost. , G~:ZC „wev .cw< Y .efs+' ~ . ~(,,,., )kY JACK : n Oh;-+lid ting buy-e,~ bo4t? BOB : Yes, the Lurline . JACK : Oh. . You shopping for the rest of your family here too, BOB ; as a matter of fact, 1--won my way to the toy : /1-9W4uh department righb-new to get something for my children . JACK : Rey, do you mind if I,1oin you . . . I always get a kick out of the new toys they have for kids . BOB ~'A',y,o Come on, Jack . . here it is .9 . right across the aisle . . . (SCQI3D : COUPLE OF Fq0'PSTBPS) SACK;` Gee, look at all the things they have here . . . ~chani~cal ` toysy-.huilding sets, doll carriages . .,_and Bob, look at that, ., a Marilyn-Mon~oe doll : "> : BOB: I know, Jack . . . my-daughta! Bas-one . . . a doll that looks exactly-3lke Marilyn Monroe . RH RT7{ 0 1 0184499 -17- ( SOUND : TINY TRAIN NBISTLE OF AN ELECTRIC x, . TRAIN AND MAYBE SQITID OF TRAIN GOING) BOB: SLy Jack, look at that set of electric trains . . . isn ' t that Terrific . . . Ij looks j ust like the Super Chief . JACK : Yes; and Bob . . . 1~n i t that the Sportsmen Quartet etanding there running them? BOB : It sure is . Hey fellows, let Jack hear your train song . ( QUARTET DOFS "CH00 CHOO TRAIN" WITH LITTLE SOUND FF'FECTS AND KID VOICFS DOING " TWAIN LEAVING ON TWACK FIVE FOR ANAHEIM, AZUSA, AND C[ICAMONGA ." RH Arx 01 01e 45 00A -16- ~SACK : Gee, they sure look life-like . BOB : - I knox . . . they talk, too . JACK : Do they-uelk?BOB : No: JACK:~ Then they' :e nothing ; . . .~YRro.1d went one? RH ATH09 01 8 4 5 00 INTR, - KOART : CN ch foo, ch oh foo . Choo choo train, chug chuggin at the station Choo ehoo :rain, conductor, pull the oord, Choo choo train, you know our destination . Train leaving on track nine for Anaheim, Asuea, and Cunamonga . All aboard . . . all aboard . . . Choo choo train, !t's going to Kentucky Choo Choo train, in case you didn`t guese, Choo ehoo train, will load up there with Luckies Ch oh foo, ch on foot ah eh foo, the Lucky Strike .°.xpreee, (TRAIN GOES INTC COtiG') Choo nho0 train, returning from aentnoky . Choo choo 4ain, that's :Aere it's coming from . Choo choo train, all loaded up with Luckies . Ch oh foo, ch ch foo, watch it come. Choo choo teain, please hurry, time's a westin', Ciear the track fer soaething we all like . Cartons of :he emoke that'e better tastin' . Ch oh fo>, ch on foo, Lucky gtrilie . There sre no loose ends in Luckies to snnoy They will please your friends each college girl and boy, And fresher, smoother, too, it's Luokies you'll enJdy . Cleaner through and through . First you tear 'em, tnen compare 'em . Choo choo train is pullin' in the station C1:oo choo train unloading happiness Choo ehoo train has reached ita destinatlon . RT 90 1 018 4 501 -19- 7A(`Y~~-~:,--to-hear it . ~(3R:---{QRYEPitY-B<3T-}~5-USUAh-BHLiUERY-)_..BU P-i-$TILL- GeltfIo ~ JACK: O h; h{ever minfl . . . I I il find 44I~ departcent myself . ( SC1PID : STORE NCISFS & BELi3 UP AAID DUriH) ,~,..__. .._ ._ ._ ...... __. ~JACK: Hnunm. . . Fsra's the sportswear departmant . . . but no gi4n ~ of Mary . . . While I'm waiting, I might as well get a gift - . for her . . . Oh clerk. ., clerk . KEARNS : Ye a , sir . ~-' JACK: Could you suggest a gift I could'get for a young lsdy? KEARNS : Well, this-is.Palm Springs;and everyone swims here . . . what about getting,he~one of those new Bikini bathing suits? JACK: Say, a Bikini bathing sui that sounds gocd . . . '_'d \ like-to get her one in black . :and I - 3 like tYSm to embroider her initials, M .L. on it. - , KEARNS : I'm sorry, sir, there's not enough room . RH A rx 01 01 e 4502 -JACK : Oh, ve11. .,.L'].1~ake-it-.--Ruiek~ gift-wray-tG :re-sliecomes MARY : (COMING IN) Oh Jack . . .Jack . JACK : Right here, Mary : Did you get the dates. MARY for Don? JACK : Yes, Mary . . .I got them fB :-;~ . . .I'llhave to pick it up soon, it's being t wrapped . .a nice box of plain dates . MARY : Plain dates? ~7GJac~1C, why didn't you get the ones stuffed with nuts . . .Don loves nuts . JACK : He does? 1nARY : . Certainly . . .at his house haven't you ever noticed what's in that big bowl on the coffee table? JACK : Yes, hams and turkeys . NAAY : Underneath there's nuts . --JA6K . , _ #a-dates ;-Nary: --WY.------~ok-Jack ;-if-you+re-going-tv-do-saoett.i.ng:-do-St-right : :Do'r--- - loves-nuts and-youought toget, thimthestuffed dates . JACK : 4fe31, ®kay . . .1'll go do it right now . .Come on, we'll go together . i YARY : No, Jack, I've still got some more gifts to buy . .You can meet m at the sportswear counter . (soumx : STORE NOISES AND s MJs ur & DcwN) JACK : Oh, clerk .~cl~erk? ~ ME". : Huh? Oh,^here's your package, Mister, a1L gift wrapped and everything . .one box of plain dates, a dollar sixty-five . IR Ait{01 0184503 JACK :~~I'm sorryq :I don't want those, I xant the ones with the nuts in them . MEL : Oh, no, no, no> ng>'I- -dABf~-'no-, .~ "r'meci-- ., ... MEdr _ a sweat-wi.th-my.-wi€a-say-ing~ "-1461a''1~'i~yeurx'B-ehoking'me . ~~ JAC16:-----Look, you're not dreaming . . .now-.I-s.'ant-to-ezahange-Shs-Piain- .-3atea-for---the- onee--with nuts : MEL : (PIEADING) Plister, let me alone, I'm all out of pills . JACK : I don't know what you're talking about . . .nowI want a box of stuffed dates g_ft `rrapped immediately . MEL : Okay, okay, I'll do it . (SOUCiQ : COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS) blEi . : (TO HIMSELF) How can I avoid this guy . . .I tried everything, even getting myself transferred . . .I wonder if this store has a branch behind the Iron Cirtain . . JACK : Look, Clerk, I've got some other shopping to do . . .now you wrap those dates with nuts and I'll be beck later . MEL : I'm sure you will . JACK : Slow let's see . . .Oh yes . .I remember where Mary said she'd meet me . (SOUND : NOISES ALID BELLS UP ALII1 DOWN LR p T YSU 1 0184504 _2p_ JACK : Gee, she's not here . . .Gosh, I still haven't gotten anything for my sister Florence . .Say, that's the iingerie department . . . Maybe I can find sorrsthing there . (SOUND: FOOTSTEPS) JACK : Let's see . . .Maybe she'd like this beautiful pair of silk pejamas . . .Yeah, that's what I'll get . . .pajamas . SHELDON : Hey, bud . . .bud . JACK : Huh? SHELDON : Come here a minute . JACK : Who me? SHELDON : Yeah. . .whatnyou doin'? JACK: I'm buying a gLft for my sister . SHELDON : What're you going to get? JACK : Pajamas . SHELDON : Uh uh . JACK : What? SHELDON : Get her a night gown . JACK :Q~ Night gown? . . .Why? SHELDON : Night gown is a sleeper . JACK :G,O,Well, so are pajamas . SHHZDCN : I know, but with pajamss, when "They're off", the legs wi11 fold . ~ JACK : Gee, I+never thought of that . SHELDON : And when you make your selections, you've gotte consider the string . RU ATX01 0184505 -23- JACK : The pajama string? SFIE.LLUON : Yeah, .,it's all right while it's going around the backstretch, but when it comes out in front, it ties up Sn a knot . JACK : Gee, maybe you're right . SfQ;LLUN : Of course I'm right . Nightgown is a great show bet . JACK : I see whet you mean . . .So long . Sffl;LS~77N : So long, bud . (APPLAUSE) JACK : -Anss . .I wasted so much time I'll have to buy Florence's present later. I better get over to the sporting goods degartment . Mary is probably waiting for me . (SOi Nil : STORE NOISES & BELLS UP AND DOWN) HY : Now tell me, Miss, this fellow you're buying the present for, . .is he your boy friend? MARY : No . . .in fact, he's my boss . RY : Oh . .then you'll want to get him something nice . . .after all, he's responsible for your bread and butter . MARY : Only bread . HY : Oh. . .well, tell me, Miss . . .what kind of a man is your boss? f ;U A rx 0 1 0184506 -24- MARY : Oh, nothing unusual about him . . .b e 's average helght . . . average veight . . HY : How old is he? MARY : Well, he says he's around thirty-nine . HY : Arou/1nd thirty-nine, eh? MARY : Yes~"but I think it's his second time around . -"8e13, etss-svs . :I'll make some suggestions . .•Tell me, does this boss of yours play golf? MARY : Yes,'he does . _-- HY: Why don't you buyhim some golf baile?_ MARY : No, he already nas_o9e--~ :CS(S you think of anything else? HY : Well, h9w-sbovt a pair of these milltary-brushes . . .he c Lainiy can use those, can't he? _.__ _ .. .__....__.._..__ ~~.. .:~ _ Y : Only if his head Itchesi . .Maybe I cauglnt~o-- JACK :~-~(WAY OFF)nMaBMARY : I'll be back later, Dttster . . .here he comes now . HY : That man coming down the aisle? MARY : Yes . HY : I think it's 1--s third time around . MARY : Shhh . ~, . . . JACK : (COMING IN) ~r1ary, I've been looking all over for you . MARYZ9,W, I'm sorry, Jack . . .Anyway, nev-I'm all done with my shopping and I can help you with yours . JACK : Good, because I still have to get gifts for Dennis Day, Rochester, and~ ~Bob Crosby, then I'll be all-- LON : (CCMING IN)„~J~ack, Mary . .;ACK & MARY: (AD LIB HEIdAS) :1R RTH 0 1 0 1 8 4507 -25- MARY : Doing yotr Christmas shopping, Don?. - "9`~'1 just about finished , DON : Yee~y 41-. a JACK: So are we . . .Say Don, let me look at you . .- ; you look marvelous . . . what a wonderful tan . MARY: Yes, Don . . .you're really brown . . .How long tnss you been heae in Palm Springs? DON : Three days . . JACK : Gee, how did you get such a wonderful tan in three days? DON : I haven't been able to find a room . JACK : Oh. MARY : Say, Don, besides being so tan, I've never seen you look so good . . .You've lost some weight, haven't you? . DON : Yes, quite a bit, Mary .4 ~The doctor put me on a diet . JACK : Oh,~ poor guy, you must be starving yourself, ~ft,~ , Z DONd Sw, No ;+it's not a hard diet at a11 . . .I eat practically everything . . .I just have to cut out a few things like sugar, cream, butter, nuts and Festry . MRY : We11,~~that's not too bad .,, . DG3t-•Sfii ~ No, aedal feel fine4 . .Well, I've got to hurry and finish my shopping . MARY : So do we . DON : (FADING) So long, ide .ry . ~.J~ tMRY : Come on, Jack let's go over to the counter where--Jack . . . JACK . . .what are you thinking about? JACK ; Mary, didn't you hear what Don said about his diet? A LR aru 0 1 01 8 450 8 - 26 - JACK : , he-tferyCo-evtrontxaugary-cream, b_*•^ MARY : Yeah, so what? ~e JACK : So what? -i- fti eet~ROt him the dates with nuts . . . It's not only fattening but it's more expensipe, . . .hary, wa t t for me ~ 11 y7~ here, I ' m going back and exchange them, $ar the plain kind . (SOUND : STORE NOISES & BELLS UP AND DOWN) JACK : Well, here's the date counter . . .Oh clerk . . .clerk . MEL : Oh. . .Here you are, air . ., all wrapped and ready to go . JACK : Gee,^I'm sorry I put you to all this trouble . . . MEL : That$l $ all g_ight, Mister, here's your package, JACK : ButiI want.r.it`he plain ones now . MEL : (SIfiWLY) . . .One . . .two . . .three . . .four . . .(TBANSITION TO SCREAPQING MANILIC) I'LL NEVER MAIGi IT, I'L :. NEVER GST TO TEN . JACK : Look, Mister, control yourself . MES, : CONTROL 1T1SE.LF . . .THIS IS THE FOURTH TIPLF YOU'VE CHANGED THESE DATES . d86n : We13; it-~s-nob-mp-fat~}.#,--the-mart-i-'m-gettitig-tham--for-}e--ort a ,.~ ~-„~,-r,uts-are-fatteniag . MET~:----'T ..DON'T-CAREHC'AFAT .HE-GETS .,-I-DON.'T..CARE--IF--HE-BUJWS UP AND-BGS'FL4:-. JACK : -Leek;-@on1t be so fresh . . .just exchange the dates . MEL : NOT THIS TIME, OH NO, NOT THIS TID1E . . .I OLTSMARTEC YOU . .I WENT TO TE>E SPORTING GOODS DEPARTMENT A4II7 GOT THIS LOADED GUN . IR Rrx01 01 e 45 0 9 JACK : Mister, put that Qun avay . . .careDdE ~. . .don't point it at your head . . . suicide is a terrible?^-'-~~-% --- (SOUNI) : PISTOL SHOT) '/ • JACK: C1erk--- MEL : (CRYING) NOW IAOK WHAT YOU'VE bONE . . .YOU MADE ME 50 NERVOUS I NIIS.SED . . .(CRIES) JACK: Mister, control yourself . MEL : I WON'T CONTAOL FLF . . .FIRST YOU WANTED THB PIAIN II4TES . . THEN THE ONES WITH~NUfS, THEN THE ONES WZTH'PLASTIC,,TIPS, TIiEN YOU WANTER THE Ik1TES STUFFED WITH METAL TIPS, THEN YOU WANTED THE TRAP THAT CATCHES THE GOPHERS ALIVE--- JACK : Mister-- MEL : THEN YDU WANTED THE GOPkfER THAT EATS THE ~S~fI yUT~ ~~ THEN YOU WANTED THE NUTS THAT ATE PIAYhN•kGOPISERSJ' TAEN YOU WANT® TFE GOPHERS THAT WORE SHOEI1tCES, THEN YOU YfANTNID THE SHOE IACES THAT HAD DATES WITH GOPPFRS . . . . JACK : Mister,J -a~~ 'y--- ~ % I4ML : (RFALLY SCRFAMING) SHOE IACES . . .GOPFII2 TRAPS .! .MTES .'. I CAN'T STAND IT ANY VffZ , . .Z CAN'T . . . .I CGN'T . . .I CAN'T . . (HYSTERICAL SOBBING AND CRYING) (APPLAUSE APID PLAYOFF)- IR ar 901 o i945i o _2g_ (TAG) a(30UND STORE NOISES AP .AND DOWN) fnARl . 4 Have you finished :all your Christmas shopping, Jeck? JACK : huh : Did you. '" MARY get.,'t~he ~dates for pon? JACK : Yes, Mary . Here £ltey ere . . A11gi.ft wrapped and everything . MARY : Gee, that's attractive packsge_for Christmas . .a11 that red paper . JACK : Mary, thst's not red paper, it's blood . The clerk punched me in the nose . . .Come on, let's go home . (APPLAUSE & MUSIC) RU RT fS01 0184511 CLOSING COMMFACIAL -C- 7AL rr'i 1IIL4ON : Jack will be back in just a minute . . . but first, a word to cigarett® smokers . . . COLLINS : Luckies taste better'. CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother'. COLIINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoothert For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco : Richer-tasting fine tobacco'. COLLINS: Luckies taste betterL CHORUS: Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother'. Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike : WILSON : This is Don Wilson friends, you know each time you light up a cigarette isn't it the taste of that cl6arette the thing you're reall looking for? I'm sure it is because smokiny enjoyment is all a matter of taste . And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better . . . . cleaner . . . tYesher . . . smoother . Now there are two short, simple reasons why . First, as everyone knoas, LS/p¢T -- Luck9 Strike means fine tobacco -- fine, naturally mild, .,ood-tastinri^ tobacco -- better taste must sttrt with fine tobacco and then, Luckies are actually made better -- made round and firm an3 fully packed to draw freely an3 smoke evenly to Uive you better taste . An3 here's a reminder -- one gift that will really be appreciated at Christmas is the Gay ho113ay carton of better- tasting Luokies . (MM ) GH arx 0 1 0184512 cIDSlr'c con'n~RC7AL (CONT'D) fHIS~~]r GS~CPAL - ! 'dIL80N : That's ri ;;ht . Right now, Luckies come to you in (CCNT'D) bri a~^t cheerful C1u`istmas cartons, created just for Lucky Strike by the famous 9esigner, Raymond Loewy . It's the ideal way to say "Merry Christmas" to ycur family and friends . Yes, at Christmas tine -- or any time -- it's alxays r oo3 taste to fyive and to anoke better-tasting Uacky Strlke'. SPORTSP4FS1 : Be Happy -- Go Lacky tL?4RTI.T (LONG For Chr^:stmas Rifts this year! CLGSZ) GH HTX 0 1 01B4513 -29- DON; The Jack Benny Show tonight was written by Sam Perrin, Milt Jose£sberg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Ha1 Goldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliaxd Marks . Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Heidt for Iucky Strike every Thursday over this same station . Consult your newspaper for the time . The Jack Benny Program was brought to you by Lucky Strike product of the American Tobacco Compartiy . . . . . America's leading manufacturer of oigarettes, MG HTXO1 01845 1 4 THE JACK BENNY PRCGRAM DUofZUER 13, 1953 BEfJNY TAG AND CLOSING INCLUDING : 1JILSGN : Be sure to hear "THL AF"u:RICAN UAY" . . . uith Hor E ce Heidt for Lucky .Strike . . . every T,mrs3ay over this same station . Consult your nevsp .:ae^ fo~• the time . The Jeck Benny Prosram was brought to you by lucky Strike, profluct of The American Tobacco Company . . . America's 1ea3inG manufacturer of cloarettes . AAGICR : THIS 15 TFG CBS RADIO NDTtJORK. arx 01 01 e 451 s PROGRAM #15 REVISED SCRIPT A'> E RICAN TOBACCO CONpANY LUCKY STRI KE THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM SUNDAY DECEMBER 20 1957 CBS 4i00-4 :i0 PiA PST (TRANSCRIBED DEC . 13 , 1953) (PALM SPRINGS , CALIFORNIA) Rrxo I 01 8 4516 THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY -A- LUCKY STHIKE . "THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM" #15 DECEhffiER 20, 1953 OPENING COMAtERCIdL WILSON : THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM . . . transcribed and presented by LUCKY STRIKE! COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! COLLINS : Luckies taste better : CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Rlcher-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better : CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother : Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! WILSON : This is Don 7iilson . There's no doubt about it, friends -- Luckies do t aste better . . . cleaner, fresher, smoc ::^.=r . Here's why : first, LS/ig'T, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco -- naturally mild, ood-tastlna tobacco . dr.d second, Luckies are made better -- made round and :_rm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly . wny time you get fine tobacco in a better-made cigarette, you're bound to get better taste . Remember, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste and the fact cf the matter is - Luckies taste better! And here's a wonderful Christmas gift idea -- a gift that says "!Serry Christmas and Happy Smoking" two-hundred times . (CONTINUED) AT}{ 0 1 018451? THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COA7PANY -B- . LUCKY STRIKE "THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM" #15 DECEIdBER 20, 1953 OPENING COMPIERCIAL (CONTINUED) WILSON: Ten packs of those better tasting Luckles all dressed up (CON'T) for Christmas in a beautiful carton, created just for Lucky Strike by the famous designer, Raymond Loe- .y . It makes a really welcome gift for your friends and family -- for anyone who enjoys a good smoke . That's why you can't go wrong when you give colorful Christmas cartons of Lucky Strike . 5o this.year, make it a Happy - Go - Luc . Yes . . . :ry Christmas SPORTSME N Be Happy -- Go Lucky QUARTET : (LONG CLOSE : For Christmas gifts this year : arx 01 0184519 (FIRST ROUTINE) (AFTER COd{A'dRCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : FROM PALM SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA, THE LUCKY STRIKE PROGRA.N, STARRING JACK BENNY . .WITH MARY LIVINGSTONE, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, AND "YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPLAUSE . . MCSIC UP AND DOWN) DON : LADIES AND GENTLE3EN, AS ALWAYS AT THE HEIGHT OF THE TOURIST SEASON HERE, PALM SPRINGS IS JUST FULL OF CELEBRITIES . . .BUT NOW I GIVE YOU THE CELEBRITY TNE WHOLE TOWN ~ TALiCIPIG ABOUT . . BECAUSE HE'S THE ONLY ONE PAYING SU6F4ER RATES . . .AND HERE HE IS, JACK BENNY . (APPLAUSE) JACK : Thank you, thank you, thank you . .Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking . .and Don, I don't care if the whole town is talking about me because in Palm Springs talk is the on thing that's cheap . . .Believe me . f.wR ~ l DON : I know what you mean, Jack . .but I've worked out a pretty good deal where I'm staying . :" "A .,or=_? JACK t the Silt . ~ DON : Yep;~I get fifty per cent offNmy bill and in return I put in three hours a day as Lhei-r lifeguard . And yesterdav I-- -DV.w.L.. . :..,..,U.-.~~ JACK : ' `lait a minute, DonA .You did say "lifeguard", dj4dki Lt= yati? DON : Yea~ why? JACK : Well, it's just that I picture you more as a life raf . . with a pontoon in back .lCI~11- . DON :%Y,c :,~ 7 You can joke all you want, but yesterday a man called for help and I dived Snto the pool and saved him . Arx 0 1 0184519 JACK : Really, Don ? DON : Yes sir . .and you should have heard the way they *_awled me out . JACK: Bawled you out? You saved a man's life didn't vcu ? DON : Yep,s but when i Jumped in the pool, three people sitting o n the lawn almost drowned . JACK : Fae},4nd I've been telling everyone it rained yesterday . . . . But, Don -- BOB : Oh, Jack . .Jack . JACK : Y,es, Bob . Q~ 'ZAPPLAUSE) ~ :✓. JACK: What is it Bob? BOB:~F . Before we go any further with the show, I'd like to take a roll call of the~ oJ'chestra . . + y T wS^At~ ._a. y~y-'% .: . .w l,Y la<- JACK: A'rollo~ .,e 've never done that before . BOB : Believe me, Jack, I,know what I'm doing . JACK: Well, all rkght~+,go ahead, Bob . B...s-~..:.. BO P : Okay . ...~eeefc+t-: X14E &K: Here . BOB : Kertchy . KIRTZ : Here . BOB : Bagby . .. . BAGBY : (VERY 4AUFFLED) Here . JACK : 'Aait a minute, Bob .,I don't see Bagby . .where is he ? BOB: Inside the piano . JACK : Inside the piano ? BOB : Yeah, he likes to play lying down . JACK : Oh. . .'Ne11, go ahead, Bob . BOB : Bridwell . BRIDWELL : Present . RrS{ 0 9 01 0 4520 -3- BOB : Sammy . . . . . Sammy .• .-•~~DY,~ ' SA87B7Y : (FAST) Here . BOB: Fletcher . -FLETCH : Here__._------_ .__..____ . . . BOB : Songer . SONGER : Here : Remley. BOB . REMLEY : Hic JACK : 3Wa . .nooy~ why do yon have to'go through_thls roll call? BOB :I ala2ys do when we're out of town . JACK : But why, why? BOB : I have to . .I'm respons :ble to their Los Angeles Parole Board . JACK : Oh, I see . .Plell, cooki=^ . .don't let me stand Sn the way of the law. BOB : Hardy . HARDY : Here . BOB : Tackaberry . JACK: VVa1t a minute . . Tackaberry is one of my xriters . BOB : He's on parole , too . JACK : $ .R*ss . .He keeps talking about the Pe, ~I thought he meant Papermate . . . . ¢7ellv anyway , I' 'gladlall the boys are ksse . . . Now if ma can'-. Oh , hello , "ary . mARY :~iHe11o, Jack . (!1PPLAUSE) °dARY : I'm sorry I'm lat ~, Jack, but I was taking a golf lesson at Tamarisk and I d dn't notice the t1me . Rrx 01 0 184521 -4- JAOK: That's all right, l4ary, So, Ben Hogan gave you another lesson, eh? MARY : No, I switched to one of the other fellows . I just wasn't getting anyplace with Hogan . JACK : Mary . .you weren't getting anyplace with Ben Hogan? 'Nhat was wrong? MARY : I found out he's married. JACK: ML , . W ell, look, rdary, you don't have to make any dates here in Palm Strings . If you want to go out with someone, I'm here . 7fAARY : Oh no, Jack„9ot with you . JACK What? MARY : Your idea of an exciting time here is to walk down Palm Canyon Drive and watch people put nickels in the parking meters . JACK : Yeah . .Saturday wa 'd~'Zdollars and 45 cents . - ti1ARY : (SARCASTIC) Yeah, I can hardly wait till t?ew Year's Eve . JACK : Mary, you don't have to be so sarcastic . :.nd as far as I'm concerned, you can cancel our tennis game for tomorrow . MARY : Thatls .all right with me . I'1Lnever play tennis with you again . (LAUGHS) , DON: Mary, what are you laughing at? MARY : Jack and 1 played at tFfe Racquet Club yesterday and he lost the match . CLAUGHSY' , DON : Well, what's-so ..funny about that? ~ P.A,1RY : He wanted to congratulate me, so he Jumped over the net and sprained his ankle . , . . AT901 0184522 -5- JACK: Hmm : Then he. 'iAAHY )ust lay there-4nd wouldn't move . DON : Oh, was he wsitYng for a doctor? LMAHY : No, a lawyer . _ JACK : ~,Ldok, Mary, when I get hurt, bandages can wait, affidavits i ~ come firsL -. ;M0Wt's get on with the shox because tonight we're_go#EMoSA -- Oh-oh . MAAY : What's the matter? JACK : Here comes Dennis . lAAHY : Well, what about it? JACK : You know, ^dary . .every time that kid opens his mouth he says something silly and I'm aggravated for the rest of the week . But this time he's pyy, zettine awav wth ~t . ." ready LU him . DENNIS : (COiAING It7), Hello, everybody . DON & 47AHY : Hello, Dennis . (APPLAUSE) DENNIS : Hello, Mr . Benny . . .Boy, two weeks in Palm Strings have sure made you look different . _ JACK : ('AHISPERS) j See, "4ary, he's starting already ., (UP) So I_ -loo difierent, eh, Denn 7 DENNIS : Yeah, you always look good, bfft wi8Y-that tan you look ...... _ .__,, ._ . i wonderful . --- - JACK : Hmm . DENNIS : I'm sorry I haven't been able to see more of you up here, but I've been busy . JACK : Busv, eh? Ymat have vou een doine? FlTN01 0184523 -6- DENNIS : Oh, swimming a little every day . .getting lots of sleep, eating good food aqd catching up on my reading . JACK : Your . .readingy " ~'( DENNIS : Yes, it's nice and quiet up here and I can concentrate . . . Y Hamlat requires/lotg of attention . , ~,,~~ JACK : Hamlet4''Dennis, j¢.- DENNIS : I consider It to be Shakespeare's finest work„although I'd be the first to admit Fl00t there are great qualities in MacBeth, Julius Caeser and Othello . . .but to my way of thinking Hamlet offers more scope and nenetrates with a deeper insight into human nature . JACK : (E76'LODES) That's enoueh, Dennis! I_ •.von't listen to that kind of talk . MARY : But, Jack-- JACK : I don't care, I'm on a vacation an ~i' not R01n¢ jQ I&I him aggravate me, MARY : But Jack, he hasn't said anything silly . JACK: I_ know, and he's doing St on Purpose, .Cennis, oy u're deliberately trvlne to annoy Me . DENNIS :.J,No, I'm not, Mr . Benny, JACK : Then how come you're talking intelligently? DENNIS : I can't help it, I was out Sn the sun too long . JACK : Huh? DENNIS : But I discovered a way to keep cool . JACK : You did? DENNIS : Yeah, I get a big punch bowl, fill it full of shaved ice, put in three lemons, two oranges, some gingerale, a quart of Scotch, a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka, and five maraschino cherries . Hrx 01 01134524 - 7 - JACK : Dennis, you drink that? DENNIS : No, I sit in it . JACK : That's my boy . . . .nd Dennis, now that you're back to normal again, do me a favor . . .Just go over in the corner and don't bother me . DENNIS : Okay . .do you mind if I read Hamlet? JACK : Read, read . . .Ymat a crazy kid . GARY : Well Jack, you won't have to put up with him much longer . Tomorrow •re'll all be on our ~ay back to Los Angeles . JACK : I know, and I've got a big surprise for everyone . Since you're all leaving tomorrow and I'm going to be staying down here till after Christmas, I want you all to come to my place tonight for our annual Christmas party . 7 / . DON : 4wp, that's wonderful , Jack . JACK : Everybody's lnvited . .And Bob, make sure to bring the orchestra boys . BOB : The orchestra boys? SACK : Yes.3.but tell them when we serve dinner to just casually walk into the dining room . .not to line up and march . BOB : Okay, Jack, I'11 tell them, .but, you better serve them the food right away or they'll start banging their cups on the table . JACK : I'll serve 'em, I'll serve 'em, . .And listen, kids, I % got a nice big house that I rented . .there's plenty of room . . we'll have a tree, exchange gifts and have,lotf of fun . BOB : Well, Jack, I don't know if I'll be there, Hrx 01 0 1 e4 525 -a- JACK : Why not, Bob? BOB : Well, it's just that being so close to Christmas, I'm :~-~-~-^- anxious to get back to L .A . and be with my wife .Vd children . r . . . JACK: Well, Bob, if you missed them so much, why ${olr'-t you bring your family up here for Christmas? BOB: Oh no, I did that last yeay and never again . JACK : Why? Vdhat's the matter with spending Christmas in Palm Springs? BOB : Well, it's different, Jack, and the kids just didn't go for it . JACK : Why not? BGB : Well, to start with, I made a pretty silly 1ooking Santa Claus dressed in that red hat , sun glasses, sandals and shorts . JACK : Huh? ' BOB : . _ And .at_night ' couldn't come down the chlmney, I had to worm my way through .the air conditioning unit .% ~-~ JACK : No . - -~ ~ BOB : And hanging on the mantlepiece, instead of stockings, : found five wet bathing suits : Gee, that's ashame . . JACK ~. .. . BOB: And th , n to top Sf off, the next day we all sat around singing ~ ' I'm Dreaming of a Plhlte Christmas" while w e slapped Unguentine on each other . RTK 0 1 0184526 JACK : Well look, Bob, you can come to my party and still get home in time . . .Now look, kids, I'm gonna leave right now and help Rochester get things ready . Don, you take over the show, will you? DON : All right, Jack . .Shall we do the commercial now? JACK : Yes, Don . .that'll be fine . . .Nb yt have the Sportsmen Quartet prepared? c1- . DON : Pb+'s something very appropriate for this time of 40s year . . It's called "P7inter Wonderland ." JACK: Winter 4VOnderland l~-That song is all about snow and sleigh- bells . That doesn't fit Palm Springs . DON: Don't worry about it, Jack, we've got it fixed all right . JACK : Okay, go ahead . .See you later, kids . (SCG?ID : DOOR CLOSES) DON : All right, fello :as . .take St . RTY{01 0 1 8 452' -9A- (INTRO) QUART : SLEIGH BELLS RING , ARE YOU LISTENING -S9iFN• THE LANE SND',i IS GLISTENING A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT WE'RE HAPPY TONIGHT WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND . GONE AWAY IS THE BLUEBIRD HERE TO STAY IS A NEW BIRD HE SINGS A LOVE SONG AS SYE GO ALONG WALKING IN A WIYTER WOND:3iLAND IN THE `hEADOW 'AE CAN BUILD A SNOYY"NW THEN PRETEND THAT HE IS P IR50N BROWN HE'LL SAY , "ARE YOU PAARRIEDY" WE'LL SAYp "N0, MAN, BUT YOU CAN DO TFL JOB WHEN^WBJ-R3'r IN TOiry" . LATER ON i!E'LL CONSPIRE AS WE DREAM BY THE FIRE TO FACE UNAFRAID THE PLANS THAT'VE NADF WALKING IN A "fINTER 'NONDERLAND . COYOTES HOtt7. . ARE YOU LISTENING SEE THAT OWL, EYES A-GLISTENING THE DESERT AT NIGHT1 A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT PALif SPRINGS IS A ;9INTER ':PONDERLAND . IN THE SUN ONE RELAXES DH, WHAT FUN FORGETTING TAXES IF YOU CAN AFFORD YOUR 500 M AND YOUR BOARD PALAY SPRINGS IS A WINTER :'!]NDERLAND . SANTA RIDES THE DESERT AND HE'S SINGING rl rH 0 1 0164528 -9B- - QUART : MERRY CHRISTMAS, YIPPY-OH-KY-AYE . CON'T7 IN HIS BAG FOR 3ENNY HE IS BRINGING y~y . ' . .s .~ ~.r . ~. nY . .- - SUN-TAN' OIL ANv AVBL$NBB TOUPAY THOUGH YOU ROAST AND YOU SWELTER STILL WE BOAST YOU't& SS9S SHELTER - 40 : ~ .....,~ .~:~._ . . . CAUSE TAKE IT i'a0N h1E, THREE A ;lINTER Y70NDERLAND . LUCKY STRIKES OPIE YOU PLEASURE LUCKY STRIKES YCU fYILL TREASURE YES, LUCKIES ARE GREAT 'ifHEN YOU CELEBRATE CHRISTD7AS IN A ':u: :7TER 'v70NDERLAND . BETTER TASTE IS THE REASON LCCKY STRIKES ;-iE SO PLEASING YES LUCKY'S T.2 O:JE TO PUFF IN THE SL-7 CHflIST'^ASIN A "?INTER '30NDERLAND . LUCKY STRIKES ARE `?ADE OF FINE TOBACCO LUCKIES ARE A S''CCTHER SMOKE, HERE'S YHY CELLOPHANE PRC :?CTS EACH SEPARATE PACK 30 THEY'RE AL:^/AYS FRESH AND THEY ARE NEVER DRY IT'S THE BRAND YJU 'FlILL SEE MORE BY THE POOL AT .{E BILTMORE KE -HI'*b~ arx 01 0184529 -10- (SECGND ROUTINE) . (SOUND : TRAFFIC NOISES AND FOGTSTEPS) JACK: - I'm glad that drug store was open so I could finish my Christmas shoppingJ' Now I've got glfts for everyone . . .Gee, I can till Rochest opens his gift, oy, will I he be suj ised . . .I got h ]ust what he ne ed . . .A brand was nothing ...... " dee, I get Christmas presents from everywhere . .C .B .S . . . . Lucky Strike . .even my home town, Waukegan . . .I wonder what Waukegan will do for me this Christmas . Last year they did a wonderful thing . .They destroyed my birth certificate . . . Now no one will ever know, . . . . . .(SINGS) JINGLE BELLS . .JINGLE BELLS . .JINGLE ALL THE WAY . .SANTA NEEDS A NICKLE HERE IF HE S7ANTS TO PARK HIS SLEIGH- -= . . . .DA DA DUM, DUM D'JM DUM, DA DA-- Dop, pardon me, sir . ARTIE : That's quite a11-- ME . §g n n_L: JACK : Why, Mr . Kitzel : (APPLAUSE) JACK : Well, Mr . 8itzel, this is a surprise . .I didn't know you were here in Palm Springs . ARTIE : Oh yes, I'wo L.rn here4sr the last few days . JACK: Tlell, isn't that nice . .where are you staying? ARTIE : A olace called Harry's Hacienda . JACK : Harry's Hacienda? I've never heard of that . ar 801 01 e 4530 ARTIE : Nationally advertised it isn't . JACK : Wellv if it isn't much of a place, why do you stay there? ARTIE : Where else for seven dollars a day can you get room, board, and a desk fu~ll~of picture post cards from the El Mirador . JACK: Oh, ' seej .do they have a pool? . ARTIE : 61 /~n a y found it . JACK: You mean the swimming pool is that small? ARTIE : Small? This morning I had breakfast and the hole in my bagel was bigger . JACK : Well, what's the difference as long as you're having fun . Say, Mr . Kitzel, I'm having my cast over this evening for a little get-together . .How would you and your wife like to join us? ARTIE : Thank you, but I'm afraid we couldn't make it . My wife is still upset from the steak ride last night . '~TACY.'^ -~Steak ride? What happened? ARTIE : Zt,took eight men to put her on the horse . JACK : .~ Mr . Kitzel, you must be Joking. Your wife's not that heavy . . 16~ ARTIE : 140, you could convince,`the horse you can't . JACK : You mean--? ARTIE : The next time that horse runs, it'11 be from a bottle of glue . JACK : Well, ?4r . Kitzel, I'd like to talk to you longer, but I have to get home to help Rochester . ARTIE : Go right ahead, Mr . Benny, and enjoy yourself . JACK : Thank you . .so long . RT 9 01 0194531 -12- ARTIE : Goodbye . . .Oh ; say ; Mr, Benny . JACK : Yes ; Mr . Kitzel : Tomorrow if youisgre? ARTIE a little time : why don't you come over and visit me and my wife ? JACK : Well, I'll be glad ta, .How do I get to Harry's Hacienda? ARTIE : From here you go straight down Palm Canyon Drive for five blocks till you come to The Park Lane Hotel . JACK : Uh huh . ARTIE : Then you turn i3ijkt and foll+w the sign that says "To Harry's Hacienda" for two miles . JACK: Two miles? That will take me way up in the mountains . ARTIE ; That's right : Harry is a goat . JACK : A goat? Mr . Kitzel ; you're joking . ARTIE ; Smell me . JACK : What ? ARTIE : Goodbye, Mr . Benny . JACK : Goodbye, Mr . Kitzel and Merry Christmas . ARTIE : And a Happy Yule to You-all . (APPLAUSE) (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS & TRAFFIC Y7ISES ) JACK : (SINGS) JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WA ; LA LA LA Y LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA L, Gee, 1ts sowusndesW34-hara Sn PaL4-SPrinBs-1_ ._i7t's so war m ,_ . . . .___.._._ .__.._ _ out here in the desert „ It's so nice and hot -- brrrrr . . . Hm , the sun just went down . . You'd think the Chamber of Commerce would have some sort of a warning system, .Oh , well I Setter hurry home . There's a lot of things to do yet - before the party . prx 01 018453 2 -13- (TRANSITIGN MUSIC) JACK : Rochester, hand me some more tinsel for the tree . .,•~.- - .- RGCH: HERE YOU ARE, MR . BENNY . (APPLAUSE) JACK: Gee, I'm sure glad I decided to rent this house from Mr . and Mrs . Martin . It'll be just perfect for the party tonight . RGCR: YEAH . JACK : Well, all the tinsel is on . i think i'll put on the ornaments . I'11 put this nice red one up 1e~ . .Guch1 . . .- ~-_ ~I'l1 put the blue one over here, .0uch1 . . and I'll Put the -H_. . : green one up on top . . kere . . Cuch ; . . Oh, darn it . ROCH : BOSS, I TOLD YJU TO GET A CHRIST.US TREE INSTEAD OF THIS ~, CACTyUS PLANT . JACK : -Ye}1, Rochester, I'm not goaKa go out and buy a Christmas tree when I have a perfectly good one at home . Nmr I want to put these gifts under it . .Let's see . .Here's Don's . .some nice dates( . . :his one's for Nary . . .Gh, and Rochester, here's the one I'm giving Remley . Boy, will be be surprised . RGCH : HOW WILL RE BE SURPRISED, YOU'VE GOT "SHAVING LOTION" 77RITTEN ALL OVER THE PACKAGE . JACKk,1~-,You have to do that with Remley . When he opens a box and finds a bottle, he never stops to read the label . . .La=t year ..., I gave him a miniature ship in a bottle and the mast stuck out of his mouth for three months . . .Every time I asked him something, he had to answer me through the crows nest . . . . Believe me, I know what I'm doing . 'YOU ) n(M~~toche'YLeD j Ci:nbsEmrs= these-3aFS=7ti~.tdoesn'tseem=ffia-seme-erbtFdYd Arx01 0184533 -14- years ago . .You know, I'il never forget one Christmas Eve when I xas a kid . .,the ground was covered with snow and as I looked out the window, in the distance I could see someone dressed in red . Suddenly there came a patter of hoof-beats . . and a knock on the door . .the door flew open and somebody ' i said -- ROCH : THE BRITISHARE COMING . JACK : He did not . . .He said, `^_derry Christmas" . .It was Santa Claus . . Then he came into the house and gave my cousin Cliff a sled . . my sister Florence a sweater .,and kids, you'll never guess what Santa Clause gave me . ROCH : WHAT? JACK : A violin . ROCH : THAT SWEET OLD MAN DID THAT? < JACK :-- Certalnly-. ..: . .. .-.__ .- :-::-_-__ ...... _ _ `-__ . . . . ._ . _ (SOUND : DOOR BUZZER) JACK : Oh-.7h, Roch~.,,that must be the gang . .You let 'em in and I'11~go out in the kitchen and get the hors d'oeuvres . ROCH : OKAY . (SOUND: COUPLE FOOTSTEPS AND DOOR OPENS) CAST : (AD LIBS) Hello, Rochester . . M erry Christmas , etc, ROCH : COME IN, COME IN, COME IN, EVERYBODY . .7dR BENNY'S IN THE FQTCHEN . .HE'LL BE RIGHT OOT . .P9AI(8 YOURSELVES AT HOME . DON: Say, Jack's got a nice place here . MARY : Yeah, but it's so cluttered up . Rochester, help me clean St up . . I'll throw some of this stuff .out . ROCH: (FRIGHTENED) NOT THAT, NOT THAT, THAT'S THE CHRISTMAS TREE! V~_ BOB : Christmas tree7R1$at's nothing but an old cactus plant . prx 01 0184534 -15- ROCH : - ..WE WOULD'VE HAD A TUMBLE-WEED, BUT THE WIND WAS o-. .~ BLOWING NND WE LOST IT @3EN9, THROUGH INDIO . MaRY: 'It; sti e te r -tharr that-ehristmam-trut.1- iLe-hed--fast- yea TfiaEwas-the-screi-last-arre'ITva'aveo-seen . DENNIS : -Yeahy~--~I--got_round-shouldergdlooking-down-at-it. DON : ,E3ey,R0ait a minute . .look at that television set . . AW+s put money in . BOB : Well, that's something they're tyring out here . It's Pay As You See Television . And Palm Springs is the only place where they're conducting this experiment . xARY : Jack has the same attachment on his set in Beverly Hills and it's no experiment . JACK : (CO :11NG IN) 7lELL, EVE ;IBODY'S HERE,, :4ERRY CHRIST':WS, CAST : b1ERRY CHRISVAS, JACK . JACK : 1Pe11, kids, I'm glad you're all here,,, we'11 - have a nice -- (SOUND : PHONE RINGS) JACK : Oh, there's the phone . ROCH : I'LL GET IT, BOSS . JACK : Thanks, Rochester ., and Don, would you mind walking around with this big tray of hors d'oeuvres? flTX 0 1 01 8 4535 DON : But Jack, it would be easier if I just sat down and ate 'em . JACK: They're for everybodyJ And see that the boys ~ the_ban_d.get some, too : Okay . . ~ DON JACK: Put some in the planofor Bagby . . . and some under - it for Sammy ...... MARY: Say Jack, this is a very nice place . I had no idea it was so large . JACK : Oh yes . . there's a kitchen dinette, living room, two bedrooms, and a patio . You know, Mary, when you're a big star, you've got to have plenty of room to entertain . fdARY : Yeah . . I just can't understand how you got all this for eighty-five dollars a month . JACK : 57hat's the difference, I .got It . Now come on, everybody, let's put all the presents under the tree and wC'_.~a --- ' , :9ait a minute . liARY : 'Nhat's the matter? JACK : I had twelve candy canes, and now there are only eleven . . . where's the other one? MARY : Don't look at me . AT 8 01 0184536 -I7- JACK : I'm not looking at you . .but if your conscience bothers you, they're ten cents each . ,>o NARY : Oh, don't be-'silly . ROCH : SAY, BOSS-- JACK : Ob :yea, Rochester . .who was that on the phone? ROCH : THAT WAS .Ri . COLMAN CALLING FROM BEVERLY HILLS . JACK : 4 ... Ronald Colman ? ROCH : YES SIR . .HE N :.NTED TO KNOW IF YOU'D BE BACK IN TOWN FOR CHRIST ".GLS, .AND I TOLD HIM THAT YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY 1lAKE IT, YOU WERE STAYING IN PAL M SPRINGS . JACK : Gee, that was nice of Ronnie to call . Is he planning a Christmas party ? ROCH : NOlS, YES . JACK : Huh ? ROCH : HE SAID HE'D CHECK WITH ^19 L.,TER ABOUT NEW YEARS . JACK : All right, all right . y . . . . - BOB : Hey, Gang, why don't we a& onen ourk g"r~~ JACK : No, no, it's too early . .everyone can take their gifts, bu t let's not open them until Christmas . DENNIS : Gee, I'm embarrassed, Mr . Benny . I got you a gift but I left St 3n my hotel room . JACK : Oh, that's all right, Dennis . Rad you didn't have to bothe r getting me anything, anyway . DENNIS : Well, truthfully, I didn't know what to get you . .you have practically everything . .but I went all over Palm Springs and I finally found something . JACK : Really, what did you get me, Dennis? R rx 01 0 1 e 4537 -1$- DENNIS : A Hila monster . JACK : A Hila mons : DENNIS :,The man only charged me three dollars for it . JACK : Dennis, A Hila monster is a deadly poisonous and vicious reptile . Why, it could snap a man's arm off . DENNIS : No wonder it took him so long to wrap the package . JACK : ^^=-04 . .Dennis, if that poisonous thing 1s in your room, you better call your hotel right now and warn them . DENNIS : Yeah, I guess I better . _ DGN: ., Come on, kids, let's have some fun„let's get~the party rolling . BOB: Yeah, let's play some games . JACK : Okay „but first I want to show you something, Mary . MARY : Me? JACK : Yes,-come on out in the hall for a second . MARY : All right . (SOUN D : FOOTSTEPS) JACK : 'Nell, here we are„look up, `Iary . MABY : Why Jack, it's a mistletoe .. J . _ JACK : That's right„ and that means ,.I get to kiss you . MAEY: (SHY) Oh, Jack . . JACK"e. - Come on, 1Aary . givee me a kiss . .now pucker up . MARY : All right . (SOUND : LONG KISS) MARY : There . JACK : I KNEW IT, YOU ATE THF CANDY CANE . .I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT . RT 90 1 0184538 -19- MARY: All riKht . .here's your ten cents . For a minute, I thought you were getting romantic . JACK : Romantic, shmantic . .a crime must be solved . .ii.w tome on let's get back to the party . (SOUND : FOOTSTEPS) . BOB : PBary, what was going on out there in the ha]i? MARY : Ask Boston Blackie . BOB: ~- What? ., JACK: Never mind . . .Hey, Dennis ; dldyou call your hotel about that Hila monster? DENNIS : Yeah . JACK : What did they say? DENNIS : Nothing, the phone keeps ringing and ringing but nobody answers . JACK : 'Nhat? DENNIS : Do you mind Sf I stay here tonight? JACK : All right, all right . .Now come on, letts get things started h~y e . Bob, how about having the band play a number? BOB : Sure, Jack . .mhat would you like, them to play? JACK : . -,You mean I have a choic ? - . .. ., . BOB: Czetain3y . ."Ramona", "The Pagan Love Song" or "Stay On The Light Side with Eastside ." JACK : Some repertoire . Well, never mind the band, let's all sing Jingle Bells . ' DON : Yeah, yeah . .let's all sing : HACK SHW e. (SOUND WN ING THROUGH IRGN BAR) AT 9 01 0184539 JACK : R'hat's that noise? _ BOB : 'PY%-Qgjs Remley, ha =h •s to go home . JACK: (UP) Remle , D11t doµ'n that hack sa7j a_USI p@g hte door . . . . 'Nhat a gang . . . .Now come on, kids, let's sing "Jingle Bells" . CAST : (SINGS) JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY, CH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE HORSE OPEN SLEIGH . . JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE -- a?.EL : (SLIGHTLY :d00LEY) HOLD 11 , QUIET DG4YN, HOIyQ ;1 , HOLD IT : CAST : (STOPS SIC2GING) N.EL : WHAT'S GOIN' ON HEE? JACK : Hold it, kids, it's the owner . . .Tlhat's the matter, 'ir . 37artin? MEL : I'll tell you what's the matter . I'm not going to stand for noisy parties like this going on in my house . JACK : Now wait a second, Mr . :.lartin . .so what if we are making a little noise . .you're £orgetting 3AiB I'm paying you 85 dollars a month to rent this house .__ . . ._-___-_ _ . _ .---- )tEL : And ou're £orgettine_ that in our deal my wife and I still live here . M.ARY: So that's how he got it socheap, , JACK: ilary, you have to make some concessions . Now, Mr . AAartin -- ^_4E L : Don't argue with me', go in the bedroom and argue with my wife, you w oke her up, too . fiT}S01 01 B4540 ~.....:. -21- :7ARY : 'Nell, Pdister . .if you didn't want to be disturbed, why did / you rent him this place? JACK :; MEL Whoever dreamed you'd be throwing wild partles . . :lhen you came to me, you looked like a nice, quiet old man . JACK: But-- MEL : Now I find out you're a Hollywood playboy . JACK: Look, M r . Martin -- MEL : And what're those convicts doing here? JACK : Those are my musicians . . . F w, jhis 11 g Uartv, L jyp ~ mak n those license ata . . . For heavens sakes, -- _-, BOB : ~ I guess we were a little loud, t,1r . Martin . . .but we didn't know you were here . - . MARY : We were only having a Christmas party . 24EL : .- A Christmas party? DoN : Yes, ba3t if you prefer, we can leave . ME L : 'Neil„ . DENNIS : We didn't even get to sing the Christmas Carols . MEL : Christmas Carols? JACK : Yes,,we always sing Christmas Carols . MEL : Gee, I'd love to hear that . JACiC : Well, why don't you and your wife join us? MEL : Ao 'fou really mean that, Mr . Benny? ~ JACK : Certainly, the more the merrier . prx 01 0 184541 _22_ MEE : Gee, thanks . .I'11 go get my •.•+Ife and ve'11 join you irn the party . _ JACK : Now'Denni`s, .,dvery year at my CAristmas party you always sing a nice medley of Christmas Carols . DENNIS : Yes, sir . JACK : •Neil, how about singing them for us now? DENNIS : flksy . JACK : Quiet, everybody„ D ennis is going to sing . (DENNIS SINGS 14EDLEY Di CFIftIST :dAS CAROLS) JACK : Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of my sponsor and my entire staff, I want to wish you all a Very Merry Christmas . Hrx 01 01 e 4542 PRCGRAM #16 RBVISED SCRIPT ~~ AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY LUCKY STRL'C^ THE JACK BENNY PRCGR4M SUNDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1953 CBS 4 :OO - 4 :3o PM PST (TRaNSCRIREn DEC, 23, 1953) BR AT3{ 0 1 0 184543 -A- Tti, AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY "TFE JACK SEIVV Y PRCGRAM" #16 7 :00 - 7 :30 PM EST DECEbBER 27, 1953 SUDUAY OPENING COb2+lF'd1CIAL YlILS0;1 : THE JACK BENNY PRCGRAM . . .Trancribed end presentec by LUCKY STRIi¢ : COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleener, Fresher, Smoother : COLLINS : Luckies taste better : CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! For Lucky Strike meens fine tobacco Richer-testing fine tobacco COLLICiS : Luckies taste better : CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother : lucky StrikeJ Lucky Strike! IdILSWI : This is Don Wilson, friends . . .You know, your enjoyment of a cigarette depends on its taste . Thatts true . Smoking enjoyment is all a matter of tete . And the fact of the matter is -- Luckies taste bgtter . Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother . Now there are two mtghty good reasons for that . The first one you already know : LS/bu^P, Lucky Strike r..eans fine tobacco . . .light, naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco . And second, Lackies are made to taste better -- made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly . (MORE) BR RTYIUt 0184544 THE JACK BENNY PROGRAFI DECL",SER 27, 1953 -B- OPEP:L4G COMMEROIAL (COPPt'D) WILSON : So, friends, if you want all the real, deep down smoking CO'ri'D) enjoyment, you can get from a cigarette -- Be Aappy - - Go Lucky! Because smoking enjoyment is all a matter of toste . And the fact of the matter is - - uck es taste better : Next tirm, ask for a carton of Iucky Strike : COL;.IYS : Ixickies taste better : CHCHb9 : Cleaner, Fresher, Smoother! Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike : BR Rrxot 01 e 4545 (FIRST ROLT INE ) -'-- (AP•pER COMfAE.RCIAL, MUSIC UP AND DdAN) DON: THE LUCKY STRIKE PRCGRAM, STARRING JACK BENNY . . .W11H :4ARY LNINGSTON'c, ROCHESTER, DENNIS DAY, BOB CROSBY, Ah1T 'YOURS TRULY" DON WILSON . (APPLAUSE, .,MUSIC UP AND DG.IN) DON : LADIES APPil GENTIEMEN, INR+lE'DIATELY AFTER THIS PRCGRApl, JACK BENNY DOES A?]tlLHER OF HIS TELEVISION SH(YS, OV'~'2 TB8 CBS PI'"PWORK . BUT MEANn'HILE, LET'S GO OUf TO JACK'S HOUSE IN BEVERLY HIi .L4, AT THE MOMENf, ROCHESTER IS tiT THE TYPEWRIl':,R WHILE OUR LITTIE STAR IS DICTATIACr, JACK : Dear Claudette -- ROCH : DEAR . . (SCL ND : TYPING) ROCH : CTAUDEPTE . . . (SOUND : TYPING) JACK : It is with deep gretitude,, . ROCH : IT IS WIiH =P GRATPPUDE . . . (SOUim : TYPING, . .STOP) JACK : . . .that I express my . . . ROCH : ,,,THAT I r.XPRESS MY . . . (SOtiiTil : TYPING . . .STOP) JACK : . .,appreaietion. . ROCH : . .,APPRECI+TION, ., (SOLTD : TYPIfIG . . .TYPING . . .TYPPIG . . .TYP1:•]G . . . TYPING . CONTfIPIIIES OVER JACK'S LINE) BR RTX 0 1 0184546 JACK : Rochester . . .Rochester . . .weit a minute . . .hold it . . . Rochester: (SOU`ID : TYPING STOPS) JACK : Let me see that . . .Oh, for heaven sakes, . A, p, Q, R, V, W, Y, 0, Q, F, J, K, Z, T--- Rochester, don't you know how to spell apprecistion? ROCH : 61ELL,, .I WAS NEVER SURE NHETHER IT FAD ONE "P" OR 4' W 0 nP,S i JACK: -;rh , for heaven sakes, appreciation has two "b's•" But if you weren't sure, why did you put in all those crazy letters? ROCH : BOSS, IF I SPEIdS9 IT WITH ONLY ONE °P", I'D LOOK STLYID . JACK : So? . ROCH : THIS WAY THBY'LL THINK'fHE'iE'B 50METHIHG WROiSG WITH TiIE TYPE'.JRITER . JACK: What? ROCH : ',`HEN I FAVE TO SPELL AIBL`QpERQUE, I THRQ+7 IN A FEW N[iTddERS . JACK : That I can believe . You must be murder in a Scrabble game . 4iex j.gt's get on with the "thank you" notes . Let me see . . . where was I . . .(PEADING) "It is with deep ygratitude that I express my appreciation . . .to you . . . ROCH : TO YOU. (SO[JKID : TYPING) JACK : . . .for thinking of me during this Christmas season . (SOLTID : TYPING) Cz~y ROCH : FOR . . .THINKING, .,OF ME .4 .TfCIS . . .CEHtISTMhS . . .SEASOIi. JACK : Sincerely yours, Jack Benny . (SOUNID : TYPING) BR prx 01 0 1 e 454? ROCH ; SINCERELY YO'JRS,,,JACK .,,BENNY . JACK : ifell,, .that's the last one, eh, Rochester? ROCH : YcS SIR . . .4r' FINALLY REACk ED TI E BOl'TOM OF THE LIST . JACK : You 1mow, ;ietMetet, every year it's the serre thing . have to write "thenk you" notes to all my friends . ROCR : WELL, BOSS, WHEN THEY BUY THEIR CHRISTMAS CARDS FROM YOU, THAT'S THE IEAST YOU CAN DO . JACK : I guess so, Now, Rochester, get them in the mail as soon as you can end enclose a sample of my Easter selection . ROCH : FtEE FLFE REE kT :EE __ JACK : u'net are you leughing et2 ROCR : REMEP4BER L4ST YEA32?,,,YOU SOLD CARDS CO[RMMORAT R :G ALC.UST TFE EIGHTP"N'PH? JACK : Yeah . HOCH : '1'WO HUPIDRED PEOPIE BOUGHI' CARDS BEFORE THEY FOu:*ID OUP THAT AUGUST THE EIGfiTEENfH WAS JUST AUGUST Tf Y E TOH'iEENTH . JACK : It's more then that . August the Eighteenth happens to be Ground Hog Day in Veneauela ., .Anywey, see that you get all those letters mailed, end -- (SOUiiD : DOOR BUZZ6R) JACK : I'11 get the door, Rochester, you straighten up the desk . ROCH : YES SIR . (SOU1•D: FOC1fSTEPS) BR prx0 1 0184548 -4- JACK : Gee . . .Christmas has come end gone . . .and in five x.cre days it'll be New Years . . .anothsr yeer will have gone by and everybody else will be a year older . (SOUPD : FE[J MOR& FOC/PSTBPS . . . . DOGR OPENS) BOB : Hello, Jack . JACK : Well, Bob . Come on in . (SOUPM : DOOR CLOBES) JACK : We33, Bob, I haven't seen you for a few days . Lid you and youre.f,,aLm,ily have a nice Christmas? BOBn/:~~ I le~essv'did, Jack . It was really wonderful . JACK : That's good . Whet did you do? BOB : weIl, on Christmas Eve we ell set around the tree, .end at the stroke of twelve . . .Santa Claus came down the chicney . . . he gave the cutest little doll to Malee . .roller skates to Robert and Steven. .4 bicycle to Chris and Cet'.^.y„ a beautiful coat to June . . .end I got two tickets on the fifty yard line for the Rose Bowl gaas . JACK : Bob, you got two tickets for the Rose Bowl gete from Santa Claus? BOB : For forty bucks, he was doing a little scelpi^.g on the side . ~ JACK: Bob, soRething tells me you madei this rrhol» thing m. BOB : (LAUGHS) Yeah . ROCH : OH SAY, BOSS, I GOT ALL THE FSNEIpPES SEAIZD A ;ID -- OFi, HELLO, PoR . CROSBY . r.fsu A51y BOB : He11o, ,Rochester ., By the way, whet did Mr . Benny give you for Christmas? BP. Rrx 01 018454 9 -5- ROCH : WELL . .IT'S A LONG STORY. LAST YEAR FOR CHRISTb9AS V6i . BENNY TOOK A TEN DOISAR BILL AND TORE .IT IN ~i0, . . THEN HE GAVE R1E ONE HALF AIm HE ISEIT TF E OfFLR HALi . BOB : Well, what happened this Christmas? ROCH : WE EXCHANGED GIFTS . JACK : I$ust did that for a gag . But, Bob, getting beck to what you said about spending Christmas with the wife and kids . . . That's really the way to do it, . .You know, I'11 never forget one Christmas when I was a kid . . .The ground was covered with snow and as I looked out the wlndow, in the distance I could see somsone dressed in red . Suddenly there caus a patter of hoof-beets . . . and a knock on the door . . . . ROCH : WHO WAS IT, BOSS . JACX : It was Santa Cleus,,,and Rochester, you'll never guess what Santa Claus gave me . ROCH : 4IHAT? JACK : A violin . - ROCH : THAT SNi^ET OLD MAN DID THAT? JACK : Bertsi n ly. By the way, Bob, not that I'm looki ng for gratitude . . .but, you didn't mention anything about the gift I sent you . BOB : Well, Jack, this is really embarrassing . . .but . . .we11 . . . with all my kids around, when I opened mv Christras v"(aC packages, there was so much confusion,,I got,,the oards 2~ mixed up, and I don't know who gave me what . JACK : Oh, BR RT S{01 0184550 -6- ;rna(~ - BOB : I received a ring with a blue sapphire ,, a dia-on.d stick ta( pin, a gold cigarette case,platinum cuff 1iss, and a handkerchief . Now, Jack,which om of those g'_fts came from you? JACK : Well . . . BOB : Was it t he ring with the blue sapphire? JACK : ' . . .-' .lFO . . . BOB : A;-// 41es it the diemond stick pin? & JACK : Diamond stickpin? . . . F. . 1401, "" : Well, I know it wasn't the gold; '~BOB cigarette case . JACK : Oh yeeh? . . . .::e43;-31' you're so smart, what makes you think I didn't give you the gold cigarette case? BOB : Because onn tne inside was engraved, "Love to t :~ father of my five children" . JACK : Oh. BOB : -Nafd;~ Jack, there are only two things ]sft, the platinum cuff links and the handkerchief. Now, which o :.e did youc1*e (SOUfFJ : DOOR BUZZER J) ROCH : I'LL GET IT . JACK : No you don / 't, I'll get it, I'll get it . ROCH: BUP, BOSS,,,I'M YOUR BUPIEH . JACK : I don't care . This is my house and I can answer the door if I want to . BOB : .~~ But, Jack, you still haven't told rr» which JAC ~: Excuse a.e, Bob, I have to answer the handkerchief -- I mean the door . (e0UNT) : FADIING FOtlf3TEPS) BR arx 01 0 1 e 4551 JACK : When will people learn that at Christmas tir.z it 1 s not the gif'c, it ' s the thought . ~~ (SOUND : DOOR OPENS, OFF) JACK :"~ Hello, Dennis, DENNIS : Hello, Mr . Benny . JACK : Come on in. (SOUND : DOOR CLOSES) JACK : Hey Bob, itrs Dennis, ~ BOB : 1dd~,., I haven't seen you in a couple oP weeks . DENNIS : I know . I didn ' t come home when you fellows d!d ., .I spent Christmas at the Palm Springs Biltmore . BOB : Oh. JACK : Say, thet's really a beautiful hotel . I understand the rooms ere great, too . DENNIS : Yeah, and you should have seen the sunken batc:ub, . .sixty feet long and forty feet wide . BOB : Dennis, that wasn't the bathtub, that was the swimming pool . DENNIS : It was? JACK : Certeinly, DENNIS : Ooooh,, . .sothat ' s why everyone else was wearing a'oahhing suit . JACK : Oh, fine . DENNIS : I had to go down fourteen feet to get the soap . JACK : Look, Dennis . DEIVWIS : When, I went down, the life guard jumped in and saved me . JACK : Dennis -- BR R T Y{01 0194552 -8- DBNICIS : I thought Ps was there to scrub my baok . JACK : Now cut that out! . . .And! Dennis, if you must come over here and open that silly mouth of yours, the least you cen do is thank re for the Christmas present I sent you . . DENNIS : Gee, Mr . Berny, this is embarrassing . . .but while I was opening all my Christmas packages, I got the cards mixed up, JACK : a©a-isn't that a coincidence . You and Bob had the same accident . DENiVIS`~ ar Nine wasn't an eocident . JACK : What? DENNIS : I did it o^n purgosa„ I didn't went my mother to know you sent me a lousy hendkerchief . JACK : iimm. BOB : b%V Wait a¢inute, Jsck, then you didn't give me the platinum cuff links . You mist have sent me that -- JACK : Bob, Yow can you be so rude, talking while Dennis is getting ready to sing a song . DENNIS : I am? JACK : Certainly. Go aheod . DENNIS : Yes sir . JACK : What a fuss .pC makes about a present . (APPLAUSE) (DENNIS'S SONG -- 'WB TIDE") (APPLAi7SE ) BR aruo 1 0194553 (sEOOrm RoJmINE) Z- ,,,,, . And by the way,, I went to JACK : That was very good,Dennis , congratulate you on your television show . I saw it last Monday night, and it was excellent . DENNIS : Gee, thanks, Mr . Benny . JACK: And, Dennis . . .have you been giving some thought to that suggestion I made . . .you know, about that fellow who plays the part of the janitor on your show -- Charlie Weaver? DENNIS : Yes, but I'm gonna keep him, you're too old . JACK: Okay, it aas just a suggestion, -2~>, DENNIS : Well , I'w got to be running along, Mr . Benny . I have to deliver a Christmas package, eRywey: JACK: A Christmas package? . .But, Dennis, it's two days after Christmes . DENNIS : I know . It's a loFket for my girl end I had to heve her initials out on .c-J.R . BOB : J .R .? DENNIS : Yeah . Jene Russell . JACK: (AMAZED) Jane Russell is your girl friend? Dennis, fDr your infor^~otion, Jane Russell is married to that famous football pleyer, Bob Waterfleld . DEPRIIS : I found that out . JACK : What? DENNIS : When I went over to see her, he drop-kicked me sixty yards . JACK : Well, I don't blame him. Were you hurt? DENNIS : I would have been if Crazy Legs Hirsch hadn't caught me . RM Rrx 01 01 e 4554 -10- JACK: -39mn . .Dennis, go home, will you? DENMS : Look Magazine picked me for the All Amsrican . JACY.: All American what? DENNIS : The censor took it out . JACK : Dennis, olease go nome : 7ENNIS : Okay. (SOUND : DOOR OPENS & CLOSES) JACK: bThat a silly kid . ~~ i BOB : ' Jack, it's getting'1ate . Radn't you and I better get ~~ down to T .V. City fc•r your television show? JACK : Hey, we haven't too much time, have we? (CALIS) Oh, Rochester -- ROCH : YES, MR . PSNNY . JACK: Rochester, get the car out of the garage, wi11 you pleese? 1z ROCH : IT'S RIGHT OUT 39 THE STREET. JACK : Whet! Do you meen to say you left my car out in the street all night? ROCH : I TRIED IT AGAIN, BOSS, BUT NCBODY TOOK IT : JACK: Hmm . BOB : ; . Wait a minute, Rochester, you mean you're actually trying to get aomebody to steal Mr. Benny's car? ROCH : I'M E4EN USI NG CADILLAC HUB GAP9-POR-~.r. ` JACK: You can stop with the jokes end drive us down to the studio . Come on, Bob . I (SOUND : DOOR OPENS & CLQ4ES ., .FOOTSTEPS DCYIN i FRONP PORCH STEPS., .T}S;N ON SIDEWALK VT66: '~„(/io~ .r ~.zuuef- ~Lcc~~,lr 7IwQn 4 .f~,E op...~r~ I,/Y~~ , ,. 1 r- ,. A rxo 1 0184555 BOB : You know, Jack, I've never r~dden in your car . nverybody tells me it's e :ickety old/~uy~ Wait a minute -- Your car is supposed to be e Mexwell~.on the side here it says "Lincoln" ROCH: THAT'S HIS AUTCGRAPH : BOB : Autograph; ROCH : Hg WAS S^4p*AING ON THE BACK SEAT WHEN HE NADE HIS GETTYSBUF.GR ADDRESS . JACK: He was not . That's a sticker I got when I went through Lincoln, *'ebraska ., Coma on, let's get in. (TRA?SITION MUSIC) (SOUiD: MOTOR. . .LLO!JJSY HORN) JACK: Well, there's T .V. City. Rochester, pull into the parking lot . ROCH : YES, SIR . (SCL` :IID : MOTOR . .BRAKES . .CAR DOOR OrE~NS~) BOB : 4~' I'm getlC2 run in, Jack . See you latery,M-h ' JACK: / Okay . ROCH : SAY, BOSS, ARE YOU GONNA BE HOME FOR DIMVEH TONIGHT? JACK : Iv'o, I'm going out to that little restaurant agein, ROCH : THE SANE OYE? JACK : Uh huh. ROCH : BUT, BOSS, YOU'VE MN GOIDXI OUT THERE EVERY NIGHT THIS MK. JACK : I know . They've got such a nice hostess there . She's so charming . . RM Nrx 01 0 1 e 4556 -12- ROCH: LOOK, BOSS, THOSE DIME TIPS AIrcNIT GONNA IMPRESS ANYBODY THAT INHERITED SEVEN'tEEN MILLION DOLLARS . JACK : Rochester, she's a charming girl, the money hes nothing to do with it . ROCH: OH BOSS, COME NOW . JACK : 4lhat? ROCH : WIL.N YOU READ ABOUT AER INHERITANCE IN TfM PAPER, YOU RAN TO THAT RESTAURANT SO FAST, YOU BROKE THE SOUND BARRIER . JACK: Oh, stop, just perk the car, will you, please? ROCH: YES, SIR . DON: Oh, Jack -- Jack - ~ JACK: Oh, hello, Don didn't see you sitting Sn bhet car . We better get in the studio . DO?S>~~ ;° ixr-a few minutes, Jack . .I'm weiting to heer a special progrem on the radio JACK: . A special program? DON : Yes, Jack, it ' s conunemoreting the Fiftieth Anniversary of the Wright Brothers first flight . It ' s transcribed end the Sportsmen aid I are on it .,And if I do say so myself, I did a beautiful job announcing it . JACK: We11, Don, you don't have to convince me . After all, you di,q wJ.n several ewards for being the best announcer . nd DON: I know~ but I ~vs never felt tlxs't I really deserved St /,ohti11 I made this transcription . JACK: No kidding, Don? We11, that must be -- DO^l : /-l Shh, quiet, Jaclr~ It's going on now . RM RTM01 018455? -13- ftY : (FILTER) AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLF',FEN, SINCE THIS MONTH OF DECEMBER MARRS TRE FIFTIETH ANNNERSARY OF TfiE IiVVENPION OF THE AIRPLANE BY TFE WRIGRT BROTHERS . . .AS A SPECI9L TRIBUTE, THE SPORTSMEN QUARTET WILL SING "C0ME JOSEPHINE, IN MY FLYING MACHINE ." JACK: Don, thet's not you . HY: (FILTER) AND HERE TO~ INBkUCE THE SPORTSNEN QUARTET IS RADIO'S FORF.NiLLST ANNOUNCER, DON WILSON . DON: (FILTER) Take it, fellows . FlTX01 0184558 QUART : COME, JOSEPHINE, IN MY FLYING MACHINE GOIN7 UP SfB: GOES, UP SHE GOES BALANCE YCURSELF LIKE A BIRD ON A BEAM lat~er, . ~;/iaz+-,eo IN THE AIR SFE GOES, THERE SHE GOES ~~} y,~`u'"rasvif~ UP, UP, A LI''LE BIT HIGHBR, r9~~ .y«~`GH MY, THE MOON IS ON FIRE COME, JOSEPHINE, IN MY FLYIN3 MACHINB GOING UP ALONG GOODBYE HY : AND NOW FOR A NEW MODERN, STREAM-LINED, JE_' PROPELLED VERSION OF THE SAME SONC'Si62P6TN" . DON: Take it fellows . QUART : COME, MARY JAt~, IN MY NEW JACK : Don, you ROCKET Pia1i',E, seid that THERE WE'IZ GO, before . T}iCRE U6'LL G0 . DON: But Jack, STEP IN, JSANETTE, IN MY NE41 it+s not whet SyPER-JgT I said, it's a « Pi~-4P'IS . GO the wey I WHAT A SHOW said it . UP, UP, AND THRWGH THE SONIC JACK : 91,~/o+N ~ BARRIER .vy ~: 17s..~ ~w~ .w MY BABY'S SUCH A FLYER I GUESS I'D BETTER MARRY HER T~} ER l~.'"LIr , FLY UPSOHIGH IN THE SKY TC THE STARS WE'LL GO, GOODBYE . RM HTY{01 0184559 HY: AND NOW IF THIS SONG WERE SUNG ON THE JACK BENNY UJCKY STRIKE PRCGRAM IT WOULD SOUND LIKE THIS . DON : Take _it,fellows . QUART : COME JOSEPHINE JACK : Don -~~ TRY MY CIGARETTE MACHINE, DON : Quiet~ Jack . HUX `~'ffl; SMOHE YOU'LL LIKE, LUCK! STRIRE C~,FOU a nea- AsA'F6EFi y IlkLA/.ccG s`; YOU'LL TIU. TASTE OF A LUCKY CIEANER AA'D SMOCIfHER AND FRESH FROM KENTUCKY COME, JOSEPHI4LF, TRY MY CIGARETTE MACtiffNP. BUY A PACK NOW FROM JACK BUY TNL SMOKG YOU WILL LIAE, LUCKY STRIKE . (APPLAUSE) arx 01 01 e 4560 (THIRD ROUTSNE) -16- JACK : Don, do you mean to say that that program hired you just to say, "Take it, fellows ." DON : It was either me or Marlon Brando . JACK : Well, they made a very wise choice . Now come on, Don, let ' s get in the studio . ~ DON : . No, Jack, if you don't mind, I'd like to stay here by the radio . . they're gonna play it again in a half hour . JACK : All right, all right, stay by the radio . (SINP?D : FOOTSTEPS . .DOCR OPEIS) JACK: Hello, Mac . MEL : Hello, Mr. Benny . Doin' another television show today, huh. JACK : That's right . Any mail from my fans? MEL : Yep . Those two big sacks standing against the wall . JACK : Hey, those are really big sscks . It'll take me a long time to read that . MEL : That you don't read, you just spread it on your lawn . JACK : What? MEL : That pitch fork ain't no letter opener . JACK : Ch, we11 . . .I shouldn't complain . Bob Hope gets nice letters, but his lawn looks lousy . . .See you later, Mac . MEL : Oh . .OhwMr . Benny, I almost forgot . There was a long distance phone call for you from your sponsor . JACK : A call from my sponsor? . . . from New York? ;.IEL : That's right . JACK : Well, thanks for telling me . (SOUVD : FOOTSTEPS) pTH01 0184561 -17- ~,usnrL., w~',yf mw JACK : Hmm. . .I wonder what my? sponsor wanted . . .Maybe he wants to -- No . .he wouldn't ,1ust call me on the phone to cancel my contract . . .He's too nice a fellow . .He'd at least send me a singing telegram . I better go in my dressing room, call New york and find out what he wants . (SGUND : DOOR OPEVS . .FGGTSTEPS) JACK : ~8etter call him right noa . (SOUND : RECEIVER UP . .CLICK CLICK . .FADPS OUT THEfI . . BUZZ BUZZ . . FADES IN) BEA : Oh, Mabel SARA : What is it, Gertrude? (APPLAUSE) BEA : Mr . Benny's line is flashing . SARA : Yeah . .I wonder what "From Here To Security" wants now . BEA : I'll plug in and find out . (SOUND : PLUG IN) BEA : Yes, Mr . Benny? JACK : Gertrude, wi11 you please get me my aponsor . .Mr . Lewis . . .in New York? . .His number is . . BEA : I'm sorry, Mr . Benny, but there's a new ruling . We're not allowed to place any long distance calls on C . B. S . phones. JACK : Oh . (SOUND : CLICK) SARA : Gertrude, why did you pull c,u* the p1uq~ so fast? BEA : I can't stand to hear an old man cry . HTX01 0 1 8 4562 SARA : Well, he is emotional . Once he took me out . .and when it was time to say goodnight, he puokered up . .and, Gertrude, his lips quivered so much, I made him kiss me on the shoulder . BEA : Why on the shoulder? SARA : I got rehumatism, I needed the mqssage . BEA : Well, ain't he therapeutic? SARA : yeah . (SOUND : BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ) (SOU:Z1 : BUZZ BUZZ . .PLUG IN) BBA : . Yes, Mr . Benny -- JACK : Look, Gertrude, I've got to talk to my sponsor in New York . .so will you please let this long distance call go through? BEA : I'm sorry, Mr . Benny, but rules are rules . want to make a long distance call, you'll have to use the pay phone in the corridor . JACK : Oh, yeah? . .Let me talk to Mabel . BEA : Okay . (ASIDE) Mabel, quiver-lips wants to talk to you . SARA : Okay . (SOU4ID : CLICK) SARA : Hello . JACK : Look, Mabel, be a nice girl and put my call through to New York . SARA : I'm sorry, butI can't break the rules, either . JACK : You can't,-hub1 . . .We11, let me tell you something, Mabel, we're through . . . s~ I'11 never kiss you again . pr 901 0 1 e 4563 SARA : Who cares, I bought a vibrator . JACK : What? (SOUAID : CLICK) JACK: Mabel-- (SOUND : JIGGLING HOOK) JACK : Ma6e3-- Mabel - How do you like that, she cut me off . (SOUND : RECEIVER DWfN . . .KNOCK ON DOOR) JACK : yes? (SOUND: DOOR OPIIVS) DON :a Say, Jack, we'd like to rehearse the opening of the show . Can you come out on stage?~~ JACK : I'll be there in a few minutes) aw"''~ DON : okay . (SOUND: DOOR CLOSES) JACK : (TO HI6LSELF) How do you like those operators . .refusing to put my call through . My sponsor wouldntt have tried to reach me if it weren't important . Well, I'll j ust have to use the pay phone . (SOUND : FPiJ FOOTSTEPS . .DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES . . . FOOTSTEPS . .STOP) JACK: Oh, good, there's no one in the phone booth . (SOUND : SLIDING PHONE BOOTH DOOR OPENS A :'7D CLOSFS . . .RPGEIVER UP) - JACK: 'Let-rae-rj~ee . . .whst's long distance . .Oh, yes . (SOUND : DIAL TH@EE TIMES . .INNER BUZZ . .CLICP JELVSTZ : Long distance . RT 90 1 0184564 JACKAOperator, IAd like to place a call to New York . I'd like to talk to Mr . William Lewis, at 385 Madison Avenue . JENNY : Mr . William Lewis, 385 Madison Avenue, New York . -$ed- wno's calling, please? JACK: Mr . Benny . . JENNY : Benny? . .Is that "B" as in boy? JACK : Thank you . JENNY : One moment, please . JACK : (6ee,~.t's nice talking to an operator who Ssn't frestA)` (F$JMS LOVE IN BLOOM) Da da da da da . .da ds . . JENNY : I have Mr . Lewis in New York, Mr . benny . JACK : Hello, He11o . .Mr . Lewis -- JESIN`l : Not so fast . JACK : What? JENNY : Deposit three dollars and seventy-five cents, please . JACK : (Three dollars and seventy-five cents .) JEIVNY : That's fifteen quarters . JACK : I know what it is . - w:// ~+.Z- JINNY : Well, start~droppin' them in, kid . JACK : FIDan. .(fifteen quarters .) (SOUND : PAUSE . .WE HEAR 6.UAfiTE2S DROP INTO PHONE . .BONG . .BONG . .BOMG . .BONG . .BONG . .BONG . . BONG . .BONG . .BONG . .BONG . .BONG . .BONG . .BONG . .) (AFTER THE SECOND QUARTER DROPS, WE HEAR "TAPS" MOUNFUIYY PLAYED ON A MUTED TAUMPET, ADiD STOPPING AFTER NEXT TO IAST WAHTER .) Ar 9 0 1 01 e 4565 -21- JENtPY : One more, please . (SOUND : LAST WARTER DROPS) (TRUMPEf FINISHE4 "TAPS") JENNY : Go ahead, please . JACK : Thank you. And, operator, I didn't think you were funny blowing that bugle . , KEARNS : Hello? 6~ JACK : Hello? . AHello, Mr . Lewis, this is Jack Benny . KEARNS : Oh, hello, Jack . I'm glad you called back . I've been very anxious to get in touch with you . JACK : Look, Mr . Lewis, if there's anything wrong with the program, I'll be glad to fix it . KEARNS ; Jack -- JACK : I've always been conscientious, and nobody works harder than I do . KEARNS : Jack -- ~ JACK : If you look at my rating, pou 9d see that -- KEARNS : Jack, will you please let me talk? JACK : Huh? KEARNS : Jack, when I tried to get in touch with you, all I wanted to do was wish you a Happy New year . JACK : /y Happy . .New Year? . . .That's all you wanted to say to me? KEARNS : Well, that's the least I could do to show my appreciation for that Christmas present you sent me . That's the most beautiful gold wristwatch I ever saw . JACK : Gold wristwatch? KFiIRNe : Yell,y and please thank Don Wilson for the handkerchief he sent me . RT}{ 0 1 01 8 4566 _2P_ JACK : (PLEASED) I~• .Mr . Lewis, when you opened your ~~Christmas presents, did you get the cards mixed up? ISEARNS :, Yos . .yes, I did . .but I managed to get them back in their right places again . gatljoa did you know? ty'.(.hl.Lw JACK: Oh . .er. .wlt'n all the excitemenCnit happens to everybody . w~ Goodbye, Mr . Lewis . KEARNS : Goodbye, Jack, a!a thanks again . (SOU:?ID : RECEIVER D(h7N) DON : Jack . .Jack . . (SOU? :D: SLIDING DOOR OPENS) JACK :A// Here I an, Don : Jack, yoc're wanted. DON on stage . JACK : Okay, Don . I~was just talking to M sponsor, Mr . Lewis . DON : Our sponsor? . .Jack, did he menticn anything about receiving a gold wristwatch? JACK : Yes, yes, he did, Don . It was just what he wanted . : Oh, good, then it worked out just fine DON . ~A JACK : It sure did . Come on, Don, let's get on~stage . (APPLAUSE AND PL4YOF:') fliX 0 1 018456' -23- NATIONAL y ~64Y~n`Ln JACK : 4 I will be back in a minute to tell you about my television show which goes on ivvnediately after this program on the CBS network but first, a word to cigarette smokers . . . PACIFIC COAST JACK : I will be back in just a minute to tell you about my television show that goes on tonight at 7 PM over the CBS network, but first, a word to cigarette smokers . . . ATXO1 0184568 THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM -C- nECDmaR 27, 1953 CLOSING COpVMERCIAL COLLINS : Luckies taste betterl CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smootherl COLLINS : Iuckles taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, Smcother For Lucky Strike means fine tobacco Richer-tasting fine tobacco COLLINS : Luckies taste better! CHORUS : Cleaner, Fresher, gmootherl Lucky Btriket Lucky Strikel WILSON : Friends, you may remember that last year a survey was made in leading colleges from coast to coast . This was a survey of smokers, and it showed that Luckies were the favorite cigarette in those colleges . Yes, Luckles were Number One . This year enother nation-wide survey was made -- a representative survey of all students in regular colleges coast to coast . Based on thousands of actual student interviews -- this survey shows that Luckies lead again -- lead over all other brends, regular or king-size -- M51 by a wide margin . These students were asked wh~ they smoked Luckies . The Number One reason given - this year, just as last -- was Luckies' better taste . After all, smoking enfoyment is all a matter of taste -- and the fact of the matter is . . Luckies taste better . (MORE) Rrx 0 1 0184569 THE JACK BENNy PRCGRAM -D- DECLT Br:R 27, 1953 CLOSING GGrm4MCrAL (coN V D .) WILSON : They taste better because they ' re made of fine, (CONT I D .) naturally mild, good-tasting tobacco -- and because they ' re made better. That ' s why we ' re asking you to Be Happy -- Go Lucky . Get yourself a carton of Lu ckies the first chance you have . . SPGRTSMEN Be Happy -- Go Lucky QDARTEf : Get Better Taste Today1 (LONG CLOSG) prx 0 1 0 1845r'U ^AG - NATIONAL JACK : Ladies and,gentlemen,~ in just 30 seconds I will be doing my television show over the CBS network and on behalf of my sponsor, cast and my entire staff, I want to wish you a very Happy New Year . Gocdnight, folks -- see you in 30 seconds . TAG - PACIFIC COAST JACK : Ladies and gentlemen, tonight at 7 PM I will be doing my television show over the CBS network end on behalf of my sponsor, cast and my entire staff, I want to wish you a very Happy New Year . Gocdnight, folks -- see you at 7 :00, tonight . 19 rx 01 01845?1 DON : The Jack Benny Shcw tonight was written by Milt Josefsberg, Jctn Tackaberry, Hal Gnldman, Al Gordon, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks . The Jack Benuy pregra:u vas brought to you by Lucky Strike product a° the American Tobacco Company Amarica's leading manufacturer cf cigarettes . Arxoi 01 e 45,72