T H E WE ST MI NS T E R AL ICE

BY

‘ xi N ’ n M N “ A KI H E CT OR . U RO ( S

I LLUSTRATE D BY F . C A U T H R R E R S G O U L D.

L ON DON W E S T M I N S T E R G A ' E T T E

1 90 2

m V 'ALL o m s RESER ED . ]

C O N T E N T S

INTR ODUCTION

ALICE IN DOWNING STR EET ALICE IN PALL MALL ALICE AT LAM BETH ALICE AND THE LI BERAL PARTY

ALICE ANYWHERE BUT IN DOWNING STREET ALICE IN DI FFICULTIES

’ ALICE AT ST . STEP HEN S

ALICE LUNCHES A T WESTMINSTER ALICE I N A FOG

ALICE H A S T E A A T T H E HOTEL CECIL

ALICE GOES T O CHESTER FIELD

T H E AGED MA N

SPADES I N WONDERLAND

T H E WE ST MI N ST E R A L I CE

I N T ROD UC TI ON

A L I CE Child wit h , dreaming eyes, N o t ing things t hat come to pass

Turvey ' wise in Wonderland

' Backwards through a Looking Glass .

Figures flit across thy dream , Muddle through and flicker out S ome in cocksure blessedness ,

S in s ome Philo ophic Doubt .

S ome in brackets , some in sulks , S ome with latchkeys on the ramp , Living ( in a sort of peace)

In a Concentration Camp .

I The West minst er Alice

Party moves on either side ,

’ Checks and feints that don t deceive ,

Knights and Bishops , Pawns and all ,

' I n a game of Make Believe .

Things that fall contrariwise ,

f t to Di ficul understand ,

Darkly through a Looking ' Glass

' T urvey wise in Wonderland . A LI CE I N D O WN I N G S TREE T

? H A VE you ever seen an Ineptitude asked Cheshire Cat suddenly ; the Cat was nothing if abrupt .

“ CAN y o u TELL ME WHAT y o u A R E DOING HER E ? ALICE P INQUIRED OLITELY .

N o t in sa real life , id Alice . Have you any about here ? The West minst er Alice

A few , answered the Cat comprehensively .

' it s Over there , for instance , it added , contracting

“ pupils to the requisite focus , is the most perfect

' specimen we have . Alice followed the direction of its glance and noticed for the first time a figure sitting in a very

uncomfortable attitude on nothing in particular . Alice

had no t o do time to wonder how it managed it , she u was busy taking in the appearance of the creat re ,

which was something like a badly ' written note of

interrogation and something like a guillemot , and seemed to have been trying to preen its rather

“ untidy pl umage with whi t ewash . What a dreadful

’ in ' z mess it s she remarked , after ga ing at it

“ for a few moments in silence . What is it , and why is it here ? '

“ ' “ s s It ha n t any meaning , aid the Cat, it simply

Can it talk ? asked Alice eagerly .

' t h It has never done any hing else , c uckled the

Can you tell me what you are doing here ?

Alice inquired politely . The Ineptitude shook its head with a deprecatory motion and commenced to

“ ’ ' d ] . raw , I haven t an idea Alice in Downing St reet

“ ' n e It ever has , you know , interrupted the Cheshir

“ e Cat rudely , but in its leisure moments (Alic thought it must have a good many of them) “ when

’ it isn t playing with a gutta ' percha ball it unravels t he

THE QUEEN .

’ —o r groundwork of what people believe don t believe ,

I forget which .

“ ’ n t sa I ne i It really does t mat er which , id the pt

t . tude , with languid inte res The West minst er Alice

’ ' Of course it doesn t , the Cat went on cheer

so fully, because the unravelling got tangled that

' no one could follow it . Its theory is , he continued ,

“ t o u seeing that Alice was waiting for more , hat y

’ an must n t interfere with the Inevitable . Slide d let slide , you know . But what do you keep it here for asked

’ ’ o u Oh , somehow y can t help it ; it s so perfectly harmless and amiable and says the nastiest things in

’ the nicest manner , and the King just couldn t do

t withou it . The King is only made of pasteboard ,

t t he — you know , wi h sharp edges and Queen here — “ the Cat sank it s voice to a whisper t he Queen comes from another pack , made of Brummagem ware ,

t t withou polish . but absolutely indestruc ible ; always

’ pushing, you know ; but you can t push an Ineptitude .

' Might as well try t o hustle a glacier.

“ ’ That s why you keep so many of them about, said Alice .

t Of course . But its temper is not wha it used to

' be Lots of things have happened to worry it . What sort of things ?

o ff Oh , people have been dying in round

t he numbers , in most ostentatious manner, and 6 Alice in Downing St reet

’ t he — I neptitude dislikes fuss but hush , here s the King coming.

t H is Majes y was looking doleful and grumpy ,

Alice thought , as though he had been disturbed in an

f “ t a ternoon nap . Who is this , and wha is that Cat

W P THE KING A S FAST ASLEE .

' ? m at doing here he asked , glancing gloo ily Alice

and her companion . I really must ask you to give me notice of these

questions , said the Ineptitude , with a yawn .

’ There s a dragon loose somewhere in t he ,

' “ garden , the King went on peevishly , and I am The West minst er Alice

Do expected to help in getting it under control . I look as if I could control dragons ? '

Alice thought he certainly did not .

' What do you propose doing ? dr awled the

Ineptitude .

“ ’ ' “ That s just it, said the King . I say that whatever is done must be done cautiously and deliberately the Treasurer says t hat whatever is done must be done cheaply— I am afraid the

t he Treasurer is the weakest member of pack , he added anxiously .

“ Only made of Bristol board , you know , explained the Cat aside to Alice .

“ ' What does t he Queen say about it ? asked the

I neptitude . The Q ueen says t hat if something is not done

’ in less than no time there ll be a Dissolut ion .

h i Bot looked very grave at this , and noth ng was said for some minutes . The King was the first to

“ t break the silence . What are you doing with tha ? ' “ T h whitewash he demanded . e Queen said every

' thing was to be painted khaki .

“ “ I know , said the creature pathetically, but

o ut t he U o I had run of khaki ; nf reseen again , you

' know ; and things needed whi t ewash so badly . 8 Alice in Downing St reet

The Cat had been slowly vanishing during the

d it but last few minutes , till nothing remaine of an

eye . At the last remark it gave a wink at Alice and

completed its eclipse . When Alice turned round she found that both the

King and the I neptitude were fast asleep .

“ ’ ' I t s she no good remaining here , thought , and as she did no t want to meet either the Queen or

' t he o ut dragon , she turned to make her way of the

street .

A t f “ any rate , she said to hersel , I know what

' an Ineptitude is like .

A LI CE I N P A L L M A L L

T H E great art in falling off a horse , said the White

“ '

t o . Knight, is to have another handy to fall on

’ But wouldn t t hat be rather difficult to arrange ?

asked Alice . “ ffi u “ Di c lt, of course , replied the Knight , but in

my Depart ment one has to be provided for emergencies .

N o w , for instance , have you ever conducted a war in South Africa ?

Alice Shook her head .

co m I have , said the Knight , with a gentle placency in his voice . “ And did you bring it to a successful conclusion ? asked Alice . — N o t exactly to a conclusion not a defi nite con

lusi n — c o . , you know nor entirely successful either I n

’ ’

. t fact , I believe it s going on still But you can think how much forethought it took to get it properly

sa o u started . I dare y, now , y are wondering at my equipment ?

I I The West minst er Alice

Alice certainly was ; the Knight was riding rather uncomfortably on a sober' paced horse that was pre vent ed from moving any faster by an elaborate housing

ALICE A N D THE WH ITE KNIGHT.

' ' WI M ( apologi es to S zr job 9: Tam id . )

“ ' t t r . of red ape appings Of course , I see the reason ' “ m for that , thought Alice ; if it were to ove any ' B quicker the Knight would come o ff. ut there were

1 2

The West minst er Alice

’ t o to be thought of, but I didn t choose be putting ’ A d u . n dangero s weapons into the enemy s hands then ,

again , supposing the Basutos had risen , those would

t . K have been just the sort of guns to drive them off wi h

’ Of course they didn t rise ; but they might have done

so , you know .

A t this moment the horse suddenly went on again , and the Knight clutched convulsively at its mane to

preven t himself from coming o ff.

’ That s the worst of horses , he remarked apolo

“ get ically ; they are so Unforeseen in their movements .

N o w t , if I had had my way I would have done wi hout

far — in them as as possible fact , I began that way , only

’ ' it didn t answer . And yet , he went on in an aggrieved

“ tone , at Cressy it was the footmen who did the most

damage .

’ “ But “ , objected Alice , if your men hadn t got horses how could they get about from place to place ? “ h ’ w ' T . ey couldn t That ould be the beauty of it , said the White Knight eagerly the fewer places your

t o army moves to , the fewer maps you have prepare .

’ ’ no And we hadn t prepared very many . I m t very

“ strong at geography , but , he added , brightening, you

Should hear me talk French . I 4 Alice in Pall Mall

“ But, persisted Alice , supposing the enemy went and attacked you at some other place T h ' “ ey did , interrupted the Knight gloomily ; they

’ appeared in strength at places t hat weren t even marked

N N T A OTHER HANDY T O FALL O O.

on the ordinary maps . But how do you think they got there ? He paused and fixed his gentle eyes upon Alice as

t she walked beside him , and then con inued in a hollow voice 1 5 The West minster Alice

T h . T h ey rode Rode and carried rifles . ey were — no mortal foes they were Mounted Infantry . The Knight swayed about so with the violence of his emotion that it was inevitable that he should lose

was his seat , and Alice relieved to notice that there was another horse with an empty saddle ready for him to

was scramble on to . There a frightful dust, of course , but Alice saw him gathering the reins of his new mount

into a bunch , and smiling down upon her with increased

amiability . “ ’ n It s not an easy animal to ma age , he called out

“ it to her . but if I pat it and speak to in French

it will probably understand where I want it to go .

“ f . And , he added hope ully , it may go there A know ledge of French and an amiable disposi t ion will see one out of most things .

“ as she Well , thought Alice watched him settling

“ t t down uneasily into the saddle , it ough not to ake

' long to see him o ut of that .

16 A LI CE A T LA MBE T H

T H E R E was so much noise inside that Alice t hought she

might as well go in without knocking . The atmosphere was as noticeable as the noise when

o t in Alice g , and seemed to be heavily charged with

wa t . s pepper There a fain whiff of burning incense, and some candles t hat had just been put out were

smouldering unpleasantly . Quite a number of Articles

t he o f t were strewn about on floor, some hem more

u h or less broken . The D chess was seated in t e middle

t as of the ki chen , holding, well as she could , a very unmanageable baby t hat kept wriggling itself into all

and t t manner of postures uncompromising a itudes . At the back of t he kitchen a cook was busily engaged

n u in stirri g up a large ca ldron , pausing every now and

t o u at then fling a reredos or half a r bric the Duchess , who maintained an air of placid unconcern in spite of the combined fractiousness of t he baby and cook and

u o f the obtr siveness the pepper . I 7 The Wes t minst er Alice

Y n our cook seems to have a very viole t temper,

as said Alice , soon as a lull in the discord enabled

her to make herself heard .

T H E BA BY A N D DUCHESS, THE , THE COOK .

apologi es to Si f j ohn Tam id . )

' Drat her said the Duchess .

no t I beg your pardon , said Alice , quite sure

“ whet her she had heard aright ; your Grace was r e marking 1 8 Alice at L ambet h

' P ax vobiscum was , what I said , answered the

“ ’ Duchess ; there s nothing like a dead language when

’ ' you re dealing with a live volcano .

’ But aren t you going to do something to set

t bit ? matters straigh a asked Alice , dodging a whole set of Ornaments that went skimming through the air, and watching with some anxiety the contortions of the ffi baby , which was getting more di cult to hold every moment .

“ t n t Of course some hi g mus be done , said the

“ Duchess , with decision , but quietly and gradually h t e t S . leaden foot wi hin the velvet hoe , you know Alice seemed to recognise the quotation but She

no t t t was i did no ice hat anything particular be ng done .

’ it At the rate you re going , will be years before you

t . get se tled . She remarked

' “ it Perhaps will , said the Duchess resignedly .

’ Fe i b t he o u . s na len e I m paid y year, y know t t , say I . But surely you can keep some sort of order in ? “ ’ your E stablishment said Alice . Why don t you exert your authority ?

My dear , it takes me all the exertion I can

t t . spare to have any au hori y I give orders , and

’ ’ it s my endeavour not to see that they re disobeyed . I 9 The West minst er Alice

’ ’ — I m sure I ve given this child my Opinion but there , you might as well opine to a limpet . As to the cook

Here t he cook sent the pepper ' pot straight at the

u ff z . D chess . who broke o in a violent fit of snee ing

“ I A I T T H E T. LWAYS SAID WOULD, SAID CA

I n the midst of t he commotion the baby suddenly disappeared , and as the cook had taken up a new

“ caster labelled cayenne Alice thought She might as

s well go and see Where it had gone t o . A She S lipped o ut of the kit chen she heard the Duchess gasping

z o

A L I CE A N D TH E L I BERA L P A R T Y

QUI T E a number Of them were going past; and the noise was considerable , but they were marching in

’ S ixes and sevens and didn t seem t o be guided by

SO t ff any fixed word Of command , hat the e ect was no t so imposing as it might have been . Some o f

“ '

L L . them , Alice noticed , had the letters embroidered o n their tunics and headpieces and other conspic uous

“ ' “ ’ it s places ( I wonder, she thought , if marked on their underclothing as well Others simply had a big L and others again were branded with a little T ’ . h o t e ey g dreadfully in each other s way , and were always falling over one another in little heaps , while many of the mounted ones did no t seem at

“ ’ all sure Of their seats . T hey won t go very far if

’ e they don t fall into bett r order, thought Alice , and she was glad t o find herself the next minute in a spacious hall with a large marble S taircase at o ne end Of it . The White King was sitting o n o ne o f 2 3 T he West minst er Alice

t the steps , looking rather anxious and just a lit le

his uncomfortable under heavy crown , which needed a

good deal o f balancing to keep it in its place .

T H E P . UN K H A KI RIMROSE MESSENGER THE M E SSENGER . ' '

ut I r each. ut o tou O f O f ch.

Did yo u happen to meet any fighting men ?

asked Alice .

“ — t wo o r u A great many three hundred , I Sho ld think . 24 Alice and the L iberal Part y

N o t t wo quite hundred , all told , said the King,

t o ' referring his note book . “ ? ' Told what asked Alice .

’ t Well , they haven t been told any hing, exactly

' “ ’ . is o n yet The fact , the King went nervously , we re

’ rather in want Of a messenger just no w . I don t

know how it is , there are two or three of them about , but lately they have always been ei t her o ut Of reach

’ Y u t o or else out of touch . o don t happen have passed any one coming from the direction Of Berkeley S ? ' quare he asked eagerly .

Alice shook her head .

’ There s the Primrose Courier, for instance , the

“ r e flect iv el Mes King continued y, the most reliable senger we have ; he understands all about Open Doors

’ he s and Linked Hands and all that sort of thing , and

quite as useful at home . But he frightens some Of them nearly out of their wits by his I mperial Anglo S ’ axon attitudes . I wouldn t mind his skipping about

’ ’ so if he d only come back when he s wanted .

“ ’ A nd haven t you got any o ne else t o carry your messages ? asked Alice sympathetically

’ “ Unkhaki There s the Messenger, said the King,

his ' consulting pocket book .

“ ' I beg your pardon , said Alice . 2 5 The West mi nst er Alice

' Y o u ? know what Khaki means I suppose .

’ u “ It s a sort of colo r, said Alice promptly ; some thing like dust

’ “ E n — h e . xactly , said the Ki g ; thou dost doesn t

’ ’ ' Unkhaki That s why he s called the Messenger .

Alice gave it up . S uch a dear, obliging creature , the King went

“ ’ o n so , but dreadfully unpunctual . He s always half a century in front Of his times o r half a century

u n t o e o ut SO . behind them , and hat p ts

Alice agreed that it would make a difference .

’ ' t o ut o ut t It s helped p us qui e six years already ,

“ ’ the King went on plain t ively ; but you can t cure

Y o u se him of it . e he will wander about in byways

t fo r and deser s , hunting Lost Causes , and whenever he comes across a st ream he always wades against

. o ut o u the current All that takes him Of his way , y

’ know ; he s somewhere up in the Grampian Hills by this time .

“ ’ see I , said Alice ; that s what you mean by

is being out of touch . And the other Messenger

“

r K . . Out Of each , said the ing Precisely

Then it follows said Alice . I don ’ t know what you mean by inter

“ N . r upt ed the King sulkily . o one follows That

26 Alice and the L iberal Part y DON ’ T ' is why we stick in the same place . he suddenly screamed , jumping up and down in his agita

’ ' tion . Don t do it, I say .

' DO ? what asked Alice , in some alarm .

’ ’ Give advice . I know you re going to . They ve

r all been doing it fo the last Six weeks . I assure yo u the let ters I get

’ t o o u I wasn t going give y advice , said Alice

“ ’ t t to o indignantly , and as to le ers , you ve got much

' as alphabet it is . ’ w no . Why , you re doing it , said the King angrily

' Good bye . A S Alice took the hint and walked away towards the door she heard him calling after her in a kinder

“ t one : If you should meet any one coming from the direction Of Berkeley Square

The West minst er Alice

n and the Lion might o t care to be without it . I suppose nothing

“ I i v Should rema n whate er happened , said the

d ci sio n. Red Queen , with e

’ S no N v he s good at atural History, Obser ed the

“ t White Queen . S hall I try her wi h Christian

’ ( With apologies to Si r john T eum el

Science ? If there was a sort of warfare going o n

o u t o in a kind of a country, and y wanted stop it ,

’ n t o t n t and didn t k ow how , wha course of i ac ion would you pursue ? '

“ Action yo u mean Her White Majest y occa l sio nal I . y muddles things, nterposed the Red Queen 30 Alice Anywhere but in Downing St reet

to It amounts much the same thing with us , a s id the White Queen .

“ S Alice pondered . I suppose I hould resign , she haz arded . Both Queens gasped and held up their hands in reprobation . “ A most improper suggestion said the White

N OW S i Queen severely . I should mply convince my reasoning faculty that the war didn ’ t exist— and there ’d

' be an end Of it .

But , objected Alice , supposing the war was t o n assume that your reasoning faculty was wa ting , and went on all the same ?

is n t he The child talking onsense , said Red

“ ’ Queen ; she doesn t know anything Of Christian ’ E Science . Let s try Political conomy . S upposing you were pledged to introduce a scheme for Old ' Age W ? Pensions , hat would be your next step “ 1 Alice considered . Should think

’ ' Of course you d think , said the White Queen ,

’ Y o n Off ever so much . ou d go thinking and on for

’ ’ ho w years . I can t tell you much I ve thought about

fo r it myself ; I still think about it a little , just — practice principally on Tuesdays . n I should think , continued Alice , without oticing 3 1 The West minst er Alice

“ the interruption , that the first thing would be to find

the money .

“ “ no ha Dear, , said the Red Queen pityingly , t t ’ u wouldn t be Political E conomy . The first thing wo ld be to find an excuse fo r dropping t he question .

( With apologies to Sir john Tenniel. )

What a dreadful lot of unnecessary business ’ ' ' “ we re talking said the White Queen fretfully. It makes me quite miserable— carries me back to the ’ h days when I was in Opposition . Can t S e S ing us something ?

“ W s ? hat hall I S ing yo u asked Alice . 3 2 Alice Anywhere but in Downing St reet

’ ‘ n Oh , anything soothing ; the I ntercessio al , if yo u hke .

’ Alice began , but the words didn t come a bit

’ she n right , and wasn t at all sure how the Quee s would take it

Vo e o f the Peo e te o e ic pl , la ly p ll d ,

A e our ro ' st tt e s he e w d by b ad ca ba l c m , By virtue of Who se vo te we hold Our e e st to o z e re lic nc ill d and d am, ’ Sti falt r in Vo ce co m s t sho ut ll, g i , plai an , ' L est w t s w e o ou e t e o o ut . g , l g

Alice looked an x iously at the Queens when she

t had finished , but they were bo h fast asleep .

Of to It will take a deal shouting rouse them , h S e thought .

3 3

A LI CE I N DI FFI C UL TI ES

H w o u ? o are y getting on asked the Cheshire Cat . “ I ’ ' m . not, said Alice

Which was certainly the t ruth . It was the most provoking and bewildering game Of croquet she had ever played in . The other side did not n seem to k ow what they were expected to do , and , for

’ so the most part , they weren t doing anything , Alice thought she might have a good chance Of winning

S B h though she was ever O many hoops behind . ut t e

t o ground she had play over was all lumps and furrows ,

' and some of the hoops were three cornered in shape ,

f t o et W which made them di ficult g through , hile as for the balls (which were live hedgehogs and very

she do opinionated) , it was all could to keep them in position fo r a minute at a time . Then the flamingo which she was using as a mallet kept stiffening itself

t t o into uncompromising a titudes , and had be coaxed back into a good temper . 3 5 The West minst er Alice

“ him no w s I think I can manage , she aid , since I let him have a latchkey and allowed him to take up the position he wanted he has be en quite amiable . The other flamingo I was playing with , she added regret

“ H o w A R E Y OU T T N H E T GE ING O ? ASKED T E CHESHIR CA .

“ f r Off ully , st ayed into a furrow . The last I saw of it was trying to bore a tunnel . ? A tunnel said the Cat . Y es sea . ; under the , you know

' I see ; to avoid the cross current , of course . 36

The Wes t minst er Alice hedgehogs hadn ’ t tried to get through at the same

time . Both

Y es , the one I was playing with and the one I

’ wasn t . And eve r y one began Shouting out all sorts of different directions till I scarcely knew which I was

’ t “ playing with . Really , she con inued plaintively , it s

the most discouraging croquet ' party I was ever at ; if we go on like this there soon won ’ t be any party

at all .

’ It s no use swearing and humping your back , said

’

t . the Cat sympathetically . (Alice hadn t done ei her )

Keep your t emper and your flamingo . “ Is that all ? '

“ ' N o with the , said the Cat ; keep on playing

fi h l g t ba l. ? ' Which is the right ball asked Alice .

But the Cat had discreet ly vanished . T P H N ’ A LI CE A T S T . S E E S

‘ ’ I T S h d very provoking, said Alice to herself ; she a been trying fo r the previous quarter of an hour to attract the attention of a large and very solemn caterpillar that was perched o n the top of a big mushroom with a

’ Gothic fringe . I ve heard that the only chance of

t speaking to it is to ca ch its eye , she continued , but she found out that however perseveringly she thrus t herself into the Caterpillar ’ s range of vision its eye persistently looked beyond her, or beneath her, or — around her never at her . Alice had read somewhere

“ r that little gi ls should be seen and not heard ; but , “ I ’ m ’ she thought , not even seen here , and if I m W ? ' not to be heard , hat am I here at all for In any case She determined to make an attempt at con v ersation .

“ sh If you please e began .

’ ' r I don t, said the Cate pillar shortly , without

t seeming to t ake any fur her notice of her. 39 The West minst er Alice

After an uncomfortable pause She commenced again . I should like

’ ' Y o u t Shouldn t , said the Ca erpillar, with decision . l A ice felt discouraged , but it was no use to be shut 4o ’ at St St Alice . ephen s

u She S a p in this way , so t rted again as amiably as she

could .

’ Y o u can t think , Mr Caterpillar ffl I can , and I often do, he remarked sti y ; adding,

’ ’ Y o u W mustn t make such ild statements . They re

to not relevant the discussion . But I only said that in order

’ ' “ Y o u didn t , said the Caterpillar angrily . I tell

you it was not in order .

Y o u so S x are dreadfully hort , e claimed Alice ; the Caterpillar drew itself up . “ — in In manner, I mean ; no memory, she added

t has ily , for it was thoroughly angry by this time .

’ ’ ' “ I m u s re I didn t mean anything, she continued humbly , for she felt that it was absurd to quarrel with

t a ca erpillar .

The Caterpillar snorted .

’ ’ What s the good of talking if you don t mean

’ anything ? I f you ve talked all this time without

’ ' meaning anything you re not worth listening t o But you put a wrong construction began .

“ ’ Y o u c o u w can t dis uss Construction now , y kno ; E S ' that comes on the stimates. hrivel

’ ' I don t understand , said Alice . 4 1 The West minst er Alice S . x hrivel Dry up, e plained the Caterpillar,

o c and pr eeded to look in another direction , as if it had forgotten her existence .

' Good bye, said Alice , after waiting a moment ;

half e S ee she hop d that the Caterpillar might say ,

you later, but it took not the slightest notice of her

She . remark, so got up reluctantly and walked away

“ Well , of all the gubernatorial said Alice to

s She no t herself when she got out ide . did quite know what it meant, but it was an immense relief to be able

to come out with a word of six syllables . A LI CE A T WES TMI N ST ER

was a o i t ( p lg es o 5 m m . )

I T H I N K I would rather no t

a no w ce he r it just , said Ali

politely.

“ I t is e x pressly intended

a t for public tion , said Hump y

“ ’ Dumpty I don t suppose 43 The West minst er Alice

’ ’ there ll be a paper to ' morrow that won t be talking

' about it

“ ' s In that ca e I suppose I may as well hear it , said

Alice , with resignation .

“ ' T he t scene , said Hump y Dumpty , is Before

a — t he L dysmith , and the time well , time is After Colenso

W I sent a message to the hite — T o te him if o u must o u m ht . ll y , y ig

’ But t hen sa o u r a s ht no t , I id , y p p mig T he eather was ex tr emel ho t ( w y ) .

T h s uer to o s at h o ck ' s i ' y, , I p c c lid, H o w o u o u do it o u ? w ld y , if y did

no t kno rather tho u ht I did w , I g

A nd then I wo ndered if I o ught .

’ I t s dreadfully hard to understand said Alice .

It gets easier as it goes on , said Humpty m Du pty , and resumed

T he tr e a mo st m a t s he e y i d align n c m , T hey put dead ho rses in the stream

(Wit h One at ho me I saw it bo re

On preference fo r a ho rseless war ) . 44

A LI CE I N A FOG

' T H E Duke and Duchess ' said the

r Rabbit nervously , as it went scur ying past ;

’ may be here at any moment , and I haven t

yet . ’ W Hasn t go t hat ? wondered Alice .

A rhyme for Cornwall , said the Rabbit , as if

' u “ in answer to her tho ght ; borne well , yawn well

t and he pa tered away into the distance , dropping

s r in hi hurry a folded paper that he had been car ying . “ What have you got there ? ' asked the Cheshire

Cat as Alice picked up the paper and Opened it .

to It seems be a kind of poetry , said Alice

“ “ t o f doubtfully ; at leas , she added , some the words rhyme and none o f them appear to have any

particular meaning. “ ? What is it about asked the Cat .

o ne Well , some seems to be coming somewhere

r t o from eve ywhere else , and get a mixed reception

Y our Fa her sm iles t ,

r h r ee s Y ou M ot e w p . 47 The West mins t er Alice

“ ’ I ve heard something like that before , said “ “ Y u Cat ; it went on , if I remember, o r aunt

’ the pen of the gardener.

T BB T THE WHI E RA I .

’ a There s nothing about that here , s id Alice

’ supposing she didn t weep when the time came ? “ f She would if she had t o read all that stu f. said the Cat . 48 Alice in a Fo g

And then it goes o u

Y u he ll o went as came t swa ow.

’ That doesn t help us unless we know ho w the

' “ swallow came , Observed the Cat . If he went as the swallow usually travels he would have wo n the

' z Deutsch Pri e .

homewar d dr aw

N ow it hath wing ed its way t o winter s g r een There seems to have been some urgent reason

“

t . for avoiding the swallow , con inued Alice Then all sorts o f things happened t o the Almanac

r n hundr ed n n T wir e a hund ed daw s, a oo s, a

hundr ed eves .

Y o u see there were two dawns t o every noon — u and evening it must have been dreadf lly confusing .

' It would be at first , of course , agreed the Cat . I think it must have been that extra dawn that

IVez/er swallow or wander ing sea' bir d saw

' or else it was the Flag . “ What flag ?

Well , the flag that some one found ,

r r r n he Seour ing the field o f u owi g t sea. ' Would you mind explaining , said the Cat , which was doing the scouring and furrowing ? '

' “ ’

o r . The flag, said Alice , the some one It isn t 49 E The Wes t minst er Alice ’ w e a . exactly clear, and it doesn t make sense eith r y

“ vo u E x P L A I N I N G ? T T WOULD MIND SAID H E CA .

u u Anyhow , wherever the flag was nf rled it floated

’ o r e the Free . 5 0 Alice in a Fo g

was Come , that tells us something . Whoever it

' St must have avoided Dartmoor and . Helena.

Y on wander in saw , g , ,

Y oun C mm n e lth u un g o o w a s yo f o d.

’ There s a great deal of wandering in the poem ,

observed the Cat .

“ Y o u sailed from us to them , from them to us ,

continued Alice .

’ ld : Y u . shou o That isn t new , either It go on all returned from him to them , though they were

mine before .

’ It doesn t go on quite like that , said Alice ; it ends up with a lot of words that I suppose were

’ left over and couldn t be fit ted in anywhere else T her efor e r ejoicing mightier hath been made

“ That , said the Cat , is the cleverest thing in

t the whole poem . People see hat at the end , and

’ then they read it through to see what on eart h it s about

’ ' I d give Sixpence to any one who can explain it , said Alice .

I UM

The West minst er A lice

t Tha list was made nearly seven years ago ,

s e know , aid the March Hare , in xplanation

o u s But y can always have patience , aid

“ Y o u Hatter . begin with patience and we do

TEA AT T H E HOTEL CECIL. ' n ( It lt apologi es to E t erybodv Co ncer ed. )

d rest . And he leaned back an seemed prepared t o do a lot of rest . “ Y n n n our man ers want me di g , said the March

Hare suddenly to Alice .

“ ’ ' t t . They don , She replied indignan ly 54 Alice has Tea at t he H ot el Cecil

’ t It s very rude to contradict , said the Hat er ;

you would like to hear me sing something . Alice felt that it would be unwise to contradict again , so she said nothing, and the Hatter began

D e e tt e r windl , dwindl , li l wa , H o w o er mo re mo re I w nd and , A s abo ut the veldt yo u ho p W n t hen yo u really mea o sto p .

' Talking about stopping, interrupted the March

“ Hare anxiously , I wonder how my timepiece is

' behaving . He t ook out of his pocket a large chronometer of

complicated workmanship , and mournfully regarded it . ’ It s dreadfully behind the times , he said , giving

“ it an experiment al S hake . I would take it to pieces at once if I was at all sure o f get ting the bits back

in their right places .

What is the matter with it ? asked Alice .

W S M The heels eem to get stuck , said the arch

“ Hare . There is too much Irish butter in the k wor s .

t Ruins the hing from a dramatic point of view ,

“ ' said the Hatter ; too many scenes , too few acts . The result is we never have time to get through 5 5 The West minster Alice

’ ’ t he day s work . It s never even time for a free

breakfast ' table ; we do what we can for education at

e odd moments , but we shall all die of old age befor

' we have a moment to spare fo r social duties . Y o u might lose a lot if you run your business

in that way . said Alice .

“ W W W D I I . E TT R N D A . D INDLE, , LI LE

N o t t t he . in this coun ry , said March Hare

Y o u o n r see , we have a Commission eve ything that

’ ' we don t do .

The Dormouse must tell us a story , said the

Hatter, giving it a sharp pinch .

o t t e The D rmouse awoke with a s ar , and b gan as 56 Alice has Tea at t he H ot el Cecil

“ though it had been awake all the time : There was an old woman who lived in a shoe

“ ' so I know , said Alice , she had many children ’ W ' that she didn t know hat to do .

T T O H I M A RYING MAKE LOOK LIKE LION .

N t he othing of the sort said Dormouse , you lack the gift of imaginat i on . She put most of them into Treasuries and Foreign Offices and Boards of 57 The West minst er Alice

r h T ade . and all sorts of unlikely places where t ey could learn things . ? What did t hey learn asked Alice .

n t t and Painti g in glowing colours, and a tri ion ,

’ terminology (that s the science of knowing when

’ t s things are over) , and iteration (tha s the ame thing n over again) , and drawi g “ What did they draw ?

t Salaries . And hen there were classes for foreign languages . And such language ' ( Here the March Hare and the Hatter shut their eyes and took

“ ’ ' t . t a big gulp from heir tea cups ) However , I don think anybody attended to t hem . The Dormouse broke o ff into a chuckle which

as ended in a snore , and no one seemed inclined to wake it up again Alice thought she might as well be going . When she looked back t he Hatter and the March Hare were trying to stiffen the Dormouse out into t h u “ e attit de of a lion guardant . But it will never

' b ut if pass for anything a Dormouse it will snore so , she remarked to herself. A LI CE G OES T O CH ES T ERFI ELD

A L I CE noticed a good deal of excitement going on among the Looking ' Glass creatures : some of them

o ff were hurrying expectantly in one direction , as fast

t as their legs would carry them , while o hers were trying to look as if nothing in part icular was about to happen .

“ ' ' she Those mimsy looking birds , said , catching

t t t sight of a group tha did not look in the bes of spiri s ,

“ ’ those must be Borogoves . I ve read about them somewhere ; in some parts of the countr y they have

. is to be protected And , I declare , there the White

' King coming t hrough the Wood .

Who Alice went to meet the King, was struggling with a very unwieldy pencil to write something in a k ' noteboo It s a memorandum of my feelings , in

t . case I forget hem , he explained Only , he added ,

' “ ’ t I m not quite sure that I mean to put it that way .

“ Alice peeped over his shoulder and read : The High Commissioner may t umble o ff his post ; he balances very badly . 59 The West mins t er Alice

“ W t h Could you tell me , she asked , hat all e excitemen t is about just now ?

’ ' t he e ss Haven t an idea, said White King, unl

' I t s the awakening .

W G THE A AKENIN .

? The what said Alice .

’ he s The Red King, you know ; been asleep for

' t t d N so o . o t ever long . and he s going wake up o ay — that it makes any difference that I can see he talks

’ just as loud when he s asleep .

60

The West minst er Alice

’ ' S t he L ibim s They re the lithy Toves, said King, p

’ b ub s a wa s and J u j and Bandersnatches . They re l y

' gyring and gimbling wherever they can find a wab e .

THE WHITE KING .

Where are t hey all going in such a hurry ?

Alice asked . 62 Alice goes t o Chest erfield

’ They re goi ng to t he meeting to hear the Red

n s . King, the White Ki g aid , in rather a dismal tone

“ ’ “ ’ They ve all got latchkeys , he went on , but they d

better not stay out too late .

’ Here the White Ki ng gave another jump . What s

' the ? k matter as ed Alice .

“ ’ ’ Why , I ve just remembered that I ve got a latch

'

' . key too , my very own I must go and find it And away went the White King into the wood

H o w these kings do run about ' thought Alice . I t seems t o be one of the Rules Of the Game that

when one moves the other moves also . The next moment there was a deafening outburst i n of drums . and Al ce saw the Red Ki g rushing through

t he wood with a big roll of paper. “ Dear me ' she heard him say to himself as he

“ ’ ’ hO e passed , I p I sha n t be late for the meeting, and

’ I wonder how they ll take my speech . Alice noticed that the Borogoves made no attempt

’ to follow , but tried to look as if they didn t care a bit . And away in the distance she heard a sort of derisive

booing, with a brogue in it . That must be the Mome

' Raths outgribing, she thought .

A GED MA N

Westmi nster G r Ma 16 o die, y ,

a i s r hn n ( Wi th polog e to S i ' o T e niel. )

I SH OC K him well from side to side

Until his face was blue .

’ ' me h Come , tell w ere s the Bill , I cried ,

’ And what you re going to do . 65 The West minst er Alice

“ s He aid , I hunt for gibes and pins

’ To prick the Bishops calves ,

a m too I se rch for Royal Com issions , , f To use as sa ety valves .

See the Debate on T em er ance L islation in the o L o r ds ' p eg f ,

Ma 1 y 4, SP A DES I N WON DERLA N D

Westmin r G z e anuar 2 1 02 ste a ett . J y 4, 9 ]

T H E R E D K I N G Harcourt , Grey , and Lloyd

George are all putting their own colours on , I think

’ I d better paint it myself. 67