T H E WE ST MI NS T E R AL ICE BY ‘ xi N ’ n M N “ A KI H E CT OR . U RO ( S I LLUSTRATE D BY F . C A U T H R R E R S G O U L D. L ON DON W E S T M I N S T E R G A ' E T T E 1 90 2 m V 'ALL o m s RESER ED . ] C O N T E N T S INTR ODUCTION ALICE IN DOWNING STR EET ALICE IN PALL MALL ALICE AT LAM BETH ALICE AND THE LI BERAL PARTY ALICE ANYWHERE BUT IN DOWNING STREET ALICE IN DI FFICULTIES ’ ALICE AT ST . STEP HEN S ALICE LUNCHES A T WESTMINSTER ALICE I N A FOG ALICE H A S T E A A T T H E HOTEL CECIL ALICE GOES T O CHESTER FIELD T H E AGED MA N SPADES I N WONDERLAND T H E WE ST MI N ST E R A L I CE I N T ROD UC TI ON A L I CE Child wit h , dreaming eyes, N o t ing things t hat come to pass Turvey ' wise in Wonderland ' Backwards through a Looking Glass . Figures flit across thy dream , Muddle through and flicker out S ome in cocksure blessedness , S in s ome Philo ophic Doubt . S ome in brackets , some in sulks , S ome with latchkeys on the ramp , Living ( in a sort of peace) In a Concentration Camp . I The West minst er Alice Party moves on either side , ’ Checks and feints that don t deceive , Knights and Bishops , Pawns and all , ' I n a game of Make Believe . Things that fall contrariwise , f t to Di ficul understand , Darkly through a Looking ' Glass ' T urvey wise in Wonderland . A LI CE I N D O WN I N G S TREE T ? H A VE you ever seen an Ineptitude asked Cheshire Cat suddenly ; the Cat was nothing if abrupt . “ CAN y o u TELL ME WHAT y o u A R E DOING HER E ? ALICE P INQUIRED OLITELY . N o t in sa real life , id Alice . Have you any about here ? The West minst er Alice A few , answered the Cat comprehensively . ' it s Over there , for instance , it added , contracting “ pupils to the requisite focus , is the most perfect ' specimen we have . Alice followed the direction of its glance and noticed for the first time a figure sitting in a very uncomfortable attitude on nothing in particular . Alice had no t o do time to wonder how it managed it , she u was busy taking in the appearance of the creat re , which was something like a badly ' written note of interrogation and something like a guillemot , and seemed to have been trying to preen its rather “ untidy pl umage with whi t ewash . What a dreadful ’ in ' z mess it s she remarked , after ga ing at it “ for a few moments in silence . What is it , and why is it here ? ' “ ' “ s s It ha n t any meaning , aid the Cat, it simply Can it talk ? asked Alice eagerly . ' t h It has never done any hing else , c uckled the Can you tell me what you are doing here ? Alice inquired politely . The Ineptitude shook its head with a deprecatory motion and commenced to “ ’ ' d ] . raw , I haven t an idea Alice in Downing St reet “ ' n e It ever has , you know , interrupted the Cheshir “ e Cat rudely , but in its leisure moments (Alic thought it must have a good many of them) “ when ’ it isn t playing with a gutta ' percha ball it unravels t he THE QUEEN . ’ —o r groundwork of what people believe don t believe , I forget which . “ ’ n t sa I ne i It really does t mat er which , id the pt t . tude , with languid inte res The West minst er Alice ’ ' Of course it doesn t , the Cat went on cheer so fully, because the unravelling got tangled that ' no one could follow it . Its theory is , he continued , “ t o u seeing that Alice was waiting for more , hat y ’ an must n t interfere with the Inevitable . Slide d let slide , you know . But what do you keep it here for asked ’ ’ o u Oh , somehow y can t help it ; it s so perfectly harmless and amiable and says the nastiest things in ’ the nicest manner , and the King just couldn t do t withou it . The King is only made of pasteboard , t t he — you know , wi h sharp edges and Queen here — “ the Cat sank it s voice to a whisper t he Queen comes from another pack , made of Brummagem ware , t t withou polish . but absolutely indestruc ible ; always ’ pushing, you know ; but you can t push an Ineptitude . ' Might as well try t o hustle a glacier. “ ’ That s why you keep so many of them about, said Alice . t Of course . But its temper is not wha it used to ' be Lots of things have happened to worry it . What sort of things ? o ff Oh , people have been dying in round t he numbers , in most ostentatious manner, and 6 Alice in Downing St reet ’ t he — I neptitude dislikes fuss but hush , here s the King coming. t H is Majes y was looking doleful and grumpy , Alice thought , as though he had been disturbed in an f “ t a ternoon nap . Who is this , and wha is that Cat W P THE KING A S FAST ASLEE . ' ? m at doing here he asked , glancing gloo ily Alice and her companion . I really must ask you to give me notice of these questions , said the Ineptitude , with a yawn . ’ There s a dragon loose somewhere in t he , ' “ garden , the King went on peevishly , and I am The West minst er Alice Do expected to help in getting it under control . I look as if I could control dragons ? ' Alice thought he certainly did not . ' What do you propose doing ? dr awled the Ineptitude . “ ’ ' “ That s just it, said the King . I say that whatever is done must be done cautiously and deliberately the Treasurer says t hat whatever is done must be done cheaply— I am afraid the t he Treasurer is the weakest member of pack , he added anxiously . “ Only made of Bristol board , you know , explained the Cat aside to Alice . “ ' What does t he Queen say about it ? asked the I neptitude . The Q ueen says t hat if something is not done ’ in less than no time there ll be a Dissolut ion . h i Bot looked very grave at this , and noth ng was said for some minutes . The King was the first to “ t break the silence . What are you doing with tha ? ' “ T h whitewash he demanded . e Queen said every ' thing was to be painted khaki . “ “ I know , said the creature pathetically, but o ut t he U o I had run of khaki ; nf reseen again , you ' know ; and things needed whi t ewash so badly . 8 Alice in Downing St reet The Cat had been slowly vanishing during the d it but last few minutes , till nothing remaine of an eye . At the last remark it gave a wink at Alice and completed its eclipse . When Alice turned round she found that both the King and the I neptitude were fast asleep . “ ’ ' I t s she no good remaining here , thought , and as she did no t want to meet either the Queen or ' t he o ut dragon , she turned to make her way of the street . A t f “ any rate , she said to hersel , I know what ' an Ineptitude is like . A LI CE I N P A L L M A L L T H E great art in falling off a horse , said the White “ ' t o . Knight, is to have another handy to fall on ’ But wouldn t t hat be rather difficult to arrange ? asked Alice . “ ffi u “ Di c lt, of course , replied the Knight , but in my Depart ment one has to be provided for emergencies . N o w , for instance , have you ever conducted a war in South Africa ? Alice Shook her head . co m I have , said the Knight , with a gentle placency in his voice . “ And did you bring it to a successful conclusion ? asked Alice . — N o t exactly to a conclusion not a defi nite con lusi n — c o . , you know nor entirely successful either I n ’ ’ . t fact , I believe it s going on still But you can think how much forethought it took to get it properly sa o u started . I dare y, now , y are wondering at my equipment ? I I The West minst er Alice Alice certainly was ; the Knight was riding rather uncomfortably on a sober' paced horse that was pre vent ed from moving any faster by an elaborate housing ALICE A N D THE WH ITE KNIGHT. ' ' WI M ( apologi es to S zr job 9: Tam id . ) “ ' t t r . of red ape appings Of course , I see the reason ' “ m for that , thought Alice ; if it were to ove any ' B quicker the Knight would come o ff. ut there were 1 2 The West minst er Alice ’ t o to be thought of, but I didn t choose be putting ’ A d u .