THE RIDER 'NEWS . (NOT!) Volume LVIn, Issue 18 Friday, Apri13, 1992 Dean tries hand in gynecology By SPUDS MCKENZIE . IIId !bey both lave a IIISIy rash 011 their Managing Genius geuiIaIs," McRubben said." ADd I also !mow which guys are getting the "It seems so odd. I never The dean of students has been chosen most. actiOll. I've been asking for as the new gynecological nurse 10 work pointen. This job could be the best knew what a yeast infection at the Health Center. thiJut 10 come my way in yean." was. I mean, what does it James McRubben was foUnd 10 be Tiie land of gynecology is "wide . sound like? I thought it had the besl candidate for the position, due open" for McRubben IIId a war. to 10 his unbelievable confidence IIId last gain !mowledge on one of life's something to do' with name . miracles. bread." "Gynecology is a specialty, the same "I couIdn'l believe it when I heard as having your teeth c1ea,Jed. How hard where babies come from. All this time could il be?" McRubbers said. I thoughl they were delivered by the Dean James McRubbers McRubbers'· firsl day on the job this stork. Wow," McRubben said. week was off to a shaky start. Since the College is taking a active "II took me awhile to master the stance in AIDS education McRubbers Dean James McRubbers spec' ulum. 1 admit 1 confi!sed il with will be teaching aboul safe aex. Pan of the ice tongs a few times. Tbe other the program will include a condom said. Despite any dangerous ex»Criments nurses on the staff kept finding il in the demonstration. Nurse Rx believes that McRubbers he may be performing on hunself, he ice bUckel," McRubbers said. "I think it'. important to teach may be a natural and may even want fmds the job full of "perks." Overall, the other nurses on the staff everyone the proper way to uae a con- 10 try proctology later on. "I love the faCI thaI I have access 10 were pleased with McRubbers' perfor- dnm. So I demonstrate by placinll.the "Proctology may be a field he !mows free Tampax IIId Midol. The nurses tell mance on the job. coodom 011 my head. The only problem more about," Nurse Rx said. me that I may begin my menstruation "Tbere were a few clumsy'moments is tho! I dOD't lib: tho! the IubricanI gets _ McRubbers is pleased. with his new soon." M~R,,,~ ..p~. "~n\!lSCS bul I think he is probably d~ing a 'Jel- all over my hair," be said. job IIId intends io stay foruawhile." here really like me, They are even call­ ter.job-here Ihan.be.."er· did·" · V,ct--· The yeasI'·infecti<!D;-a-.:ontlllOD- --"nilie my new'jOb:-1 aDi.leJoming ing.meJames "Tootsie" McRubbers. President," Nurse Rx said. fetitale nuisance, left McRubbers so· much. Someiiines wheD things. gel I think I am becoming more aware of . According to McRubbers, his ne~ befuddled. slow, I like to test out the birth con- my feminine side." job allows him to be closer 10 his "hseemssoodd.lneverknew.wIat trolpiIJs.lambeginninglOnoticemy students. a yeast jnfection was. I mean, wlat voice is getting higher. ADd IlI'OUlId MeRubbers said, " Through this job, "Now 1 know that Johnny m Hill does il sound like? I thoughl il had every 28 days I find myaelf getting I have realized I'm already half the man donn is sleeping with Jane m Kroner SOIIIdhing to with bread," McRubbers teary," McRubbers said. I'll ever be." Olson vs. Switiik War breaks out on. campus By RON MANICOTIl From his bed at Our Lady of the Executive Genius Wonhless Miracle Hospital in Trenton, 1.8. Hurting described an incident Olson and Switlik have never been which look place just the other night. friendly toward one another. but over "We were planning a big party. It the past week, a virtual war has broken would be one of our last, since they out between the two residence halls. plan on making this place respectable It started out slowly. Jay Walking, neXI year. 1 guess we'll end up like a 21-year-old junior, said he was walk­ those wimps in Conover. Anyway. we ing. back to his room in Conover one had 10 beer balls in the room. night when a bb came oul of nowhere "The party was going along really and hil him right in the leg. greal," said Hurting, "when these two "I couIdn'l believe iI," Walking guys all of a sudden gOI up and left the said. "I was minding my own business, room real fasl. 1 didn'l know who they and someone from Olson jusl decided were, and neither did anyone else. to peg me for DO reason. Even worse, They smelled real bad though. I guess, I called up lnaecurity to report the in­ looking hack, thaI sbould have lold us cident. WIat do you think they tokl me they came from Olson. to do? Walk over there IIId file a com­ "All of a sudden, there was this buge ·plainl. Gee, maybe I'd gel turned inoo explosion, IIId I found myaelf flying swiss cheese walking back there," toward the windows, and right through ,\Talking said. them onto the concrete sidewalk out­ BUI il did not end here. Sniping al side." one another, regardless of innocenl According 10 Frank Drebin, bead of bystanders in between, was only the !int s~"~ ' ~~ ' ~ m.ore ADatber tlllfort1iD8fo! 1'ictIIiI m'the ' ~_ boItIlIiIes viaj cnt. · '. See WAR on page 2 .. dust, Friday, April 3, 1992 THE RIDER BOOZE 2 News Briefs By KEVIN EL SALVADOR A wish fulfilled at last! Three teachers cited for bad breath DiLobotomy beats his man Three Rider faculty members have allegedly refused to use By JENNIFER SANTACLAUS "We have to pay for those new mouthwash, which has caused such Staff Writer "11GId·yoo I'd Uke 10 find the per­ Robocop insecurity cars somehow," bad breath that students cannot func­ ODD who did H and beat the sblt oot said l.B. Lazy, chief officer. tion in class. Rider College InsecuritY had an all­ of.him •.• so I did.'" . Wben Insecurity finally arrived at the The three men, Dr. Howeird car alen (both of them) earlier this scene, DiLobotomy was out of control. Warts, Dr. Tom Simonize and Dr. week when Director of Insecurity Joe JosePh J. DiLobotomy "He kept shouting 'scumbag' at the Frederick Turnaround, all of the DiLobotomy was found allegedly victim," said Sgt .. Whipple, who also communications department, stop­ beating the shit out of a student. (The arrived at the scene late because he was ped using mouthwash three weeks student needed a new pair of Insecurity received the call about the busy squeezing the ~lIarJn!n. .. ago. Attendance in their classes is underwear, at DiLobotomy's expense.) beating at 5 p.m. It took them five DiLobotomy receIVed hi~ Ir1IIrung down 84 percent, according to a The saga began in November, !,h~n hours to arrive at the scene, however, from the "Shoot First, Ask QueStions Gallup poll. an anonymous male called Insecunty because they all lost their campus road Later" school of discipline. His Biff Swenson, a s!tldent of Warts, with a bomb threat in the Concord maps. The last car arrived at the scene specialty training included "Foot in said, "You try to talk to him, but Residence Hall. a day too late because the officer was Mouth Crisis Prevention," but be fail­ the stench of his breath just knocks "I told you I'd like to find the per­ in the hospital suffering from carpal ed the final eXlim, said an old you over," son who did it and beat the shit out of tunnel syndrome from writing too The trio.h.. responded vigorous­ him ... so I did," DiLobotomy said. many parking tickets. See BEAT on page 3. Iyto the·charges. Warts said, "I'm sick and tired of The Rid~r News writing trash. One more stunt like this and I'll do my best to have that rag shut down so fast your heads will spin." Students flip the bird over new Pub policy Turnaround said, "You know, I ought to smack you in the mouth. By J. HARE KRISHNA According to Evening Krabs, direc- . ing prepped for deponation to Italy, I I'll give you bad breath. How'd you Assistant Bitch tor of Judicial Services, the students will give my own personal tutoring ser­ like an F on your next test, wonn will be held without bail by insecurity vices until I feel they are competent in boy?" The Pub is set to reverse its age re- and rushed "as soon as .... humanly Italian, or at the very least can suc­ Simonize said, "Bad breath quirement tonight for the first time in possible" before a judicial review cessfully order a Big Mac at the local comes and goes like the seasons, but its history and is being met with much board. If the student is found guilty, McDonald's in' Milan." a good fart can last for hours." resistance, according to campus of- they will be charged with a new level Cappacino was responding to the . A woman'close to onebf the> men, ficials. The Pub, which " ;'alway~ .. ~~ " Yiolation:~ o ,' . ." . ..... ... charges by offended students that the who wi.she4 .t<? _ r~main . ap.onY!l!~us followed state and federal ' age no-',' . " 'A level .5,' violabon is one step school has an inadequate Italian .