INSIDE: Your Guide to What’S Cool in Aggieland Vol
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September 2013 September Vol. 5 — issue 9 issue INSIDE: Your Guide To What’s Cool In Aggieland—Horror Survival Guide—Roar Shark—My Father Says I’m a Fine Young American—The Return of Still Drink- ing—Viciously Vile—Defending Miley—Record Reviews—Concert Calendar VICIOUSLY VILE: You’re Next You're Next is a devilish little film about the depths of human greed, evil intent, and 979Represent is a local magazine survival of the fittest, or at least it tries to be. From what I saw on television, it advertised itself as a serious and dark for the discerning dirtbag. movie, and that's exactly what I was expecting. To my dismay, this was not the case. Set in a backwoods spacious cottage in the middle of nowhere, four siblings come to- Editorial bored gether to celebrate their well-to-do parents' wedding anni- versary, and you soon learn there's a heavy sibling rivalry Kelly Minnis—Kevin Still going on. While sitting at dinner, an argument ensues between two brothers and quickly elevates into a loud, Art Splendidness garbled mess. It's at this time that the killers Katie Killer—Wonko The Sane enter and proceed to terrorize the family, killing them one by one. That's all I'm going to Folks That Do Other Shit For Us say about the plot Bill Daniels—Jorge Goyco—Jessica Little— because I hate too much information being Amanda Price spilled in reviews, as I'm sure you do, too. On the Interwebz Thingy at I watch horror because I http://www.979represent.com truly adore being scared. The possibility Emaily to [email protected] of being terrified at the edge of my seat is what drives me to the thea- Materials for review & bribery can be sent to: ter, hoping that when I 979Represent get home I'll need to look under my bed or 1707 Austin Ave. check the depths of my closets before I even College Station, TX 77840 put my head on the 979-204-4850 pillow. At no time did this sorry movie elevate my blood pressure in any level of petrifying suspense. Let me also iterate that I have no problem with jump scares in a horror movie, but if that's all the film uses to shock the audience I My Father Says I’m a call it a lazy and worthless effort. I can't count how many times they utilized that stupid tactic. Also, it moves way too fast in the beginning, and the characters get slayed left Fine Young American and right before I could sympathize or give a damn about what happened to them. There were only a couple of char- The wasp needed the swatting acters that showed any kind of freak-out emotion while and that’s all there is to it. their family members were getting tacked off, so the acting He was there by my front door, was completely wooden and unrealistic. The killers were sweeping around his front door, not in the slightest degree intimidating with their dollar at the edge of a nest built like a rabbit hole store plastic animal masks and black military attire. There pointing towards a Wonderland where were a few silly parts, which I didn't find all that humorous, his wings and ruddy stinger were all the rage, but there were also quite a few scenes that I don't think admired by other hairy-toed wasps and were supposed to be intentionally funny. Not a sign of good dragonfly ladies - I loathed his charms. writing, in my opinion. Yes, the wasp needed the swatting One redeeming factor was the protagonist, who was a like- although I regret swatting him with last week’s able badass. She knew her shit and could give as good as unread New Yorker. I wouldn’t want to give she got. My only beef with her character is she transforms the impression that I had correctional from a clever survivalist to a cheesy Xena Warrior Princess pet-ish affections for him, or that I within the last 20 minutes of the film, which, I believe, was took him as the literary type if, in fact, he has not meant to be intentionally funny; however, some people as much use for books as I have for in the audience thought it was a riot. If I could sum up this a swarthy venom tipped tail – one should movie in one word, it would be predictable. I hate being not infringe, even on an infringer. THAT person that says they knew what was going to happen all along, but seriously....I knew what was going to happen Indeed, the wasp needed the swatting all along. The story was nothing new, and the ending wasn't delivered fully through with jingoist pride. anything innovative. Maybe I'm just that much of a sea- But he staggered from my attempt, taking wing, soned horror watcher, or maybe I'm just jaded from being jostling about round and randy like a ripped off yet again from another feeble Hollywood attempt good slug of Jameson clog-swirled his brain. at producing a "game changer", but this film didn't have To the right and down, I saw him – mid-flight anything to offer that hasn't been done before. Don't waste - tipsy to his top, and there myself in him, your hard-earned dough with this at the theater, unless you plug drunk on the sort of insolence that have a squeamish, pansy ass hot date. Otherwise, wait for slays neighbors and declares demarcations. the DVD if you're interested or just stay far away from it - KEVIN STILL altogether.—VAMP VIXEN A Horror Survival Guide This summer has given me the prime oppor- 3. Location, location, location tunity to watch a few horror flicks that have For all of you campers out there, it’s not okay to make due in been on my movie agenda for quite some time. I’ve seen the an area that is haunted, said to be haunted, or out of reach demons, ghosts, undead and the creatures that have been from civilization. In a quick escape you have to find a main hatched from the imagination of some sick, twisted, fucked- road, so stay close to the asphalt or carry a weapon of some up, beautiful minds of mankind, and all I have to say is… sort. We live in the South so that shouldn’t be too terribly RUN, BITCH, RUN! hard to find. Honestly, I myself, am the girl in the movie theater talking For the victims inside of a house, the first sign of possible to herself and vocally telling the damsel in distress not to haunting or any hint of danger should be the only sign you open that door, not to walk in that room and I am the one need to smarten up and leave. I understand some dum- who screams at the characters to run and I tend to mock basses didn’t do the extensive background check on a house their intellect. I can understand why some people don’t that they just bought or a place that they will be staying, but enjoy watching the thrillers with me because…. well… I just geez don’t torture yourself. We both know that when things get so darn excited and I have to let it out somehow. move and when those crazy death vibes are around, then there is something watching you and that something wants I enjoy making a mental list of things to avoid if I were to to eat your soul… or face, either one. catch myself in a similar scenario. I have studied the faults of many characters and have fully thought these events out 4. If it say’s DO NOT OPEN, then don’t fucking open it. to where, in my mind, I have an escape plan for just about This is key into your survival. Do not open the black box everything. that says DO NOT OPEN, it’s there for a reason. I don’t care how curious you are; never poke crazy with a stick. There 1. Don’t fall. will be a demon, ghost, or some kind of spiritual evil that I can understand the clumsy ways of adrenalin-spiked, would pour out of its containment ready for vengeance. You horrified teens. But really? Do yourself a favor and get don’t want to be the asshole that unleashes unspeakable evil your ass back up and run. upon the world, do you?! Simply set down the cursed object and walk away. If you find yourself upon a group of ass- If you happen to find yourself on the ground with a being holes that opened, or wants to open the box, your best bet is that is attempting to slice your face off, then don’t try and to leave the area immediately, find a church and pray. Also crab walk away. You are not a gymnast and this will get you never speak to them again, because they are careless ass- nowhere. Instead, try your best to roll away and then hop holes. yourself back up and run…or run in a zig-zag fashion. Not only will the person—or monster—trying to kill you think 5. Believe in something. that you are crazy, but you’re spinning this killer into a loop A little bit of optimism goes a long way. Having hope could of ‘WTF just happened’. Stunned by your random-ness, this be the only motivation to keep on going.