Roar — Concert Calendar — The Return of Still Drink- — Horror Survival Guide — Record Reviews — Defending Miley — Viciously Vile — My Father Says I’m a Fine Young American —

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September 2013 INSIDE: Your Guide To What’s Cool In Aggieland Vol. 5—issue 9 Shark VICIOUSLY VILE: You’re Next You're Next is a devilish little film about the depths of human greed, evil intent, and 979Represent is a local magazine survival of the fittest, or at least it tries to be. From what I saw on television, it advertised itself as a serious and dark for the discerning dirtbag. movie, and that's exactly what I was expecting. To my dismay, this was not the case. Set in a backwoods spacious cottage in the middle of nowhere, four siblings come to- Editorial bored gether to celebrate their well-to-do parents' wedding anni- versary, and you soon learn there's a heavy sibling rivalry Kelly Minnis—Kevin Still going on. While sitting at dinner, an argument ensues between two brothers and quickly elevates into a loud, Art Splendidness garbled mess. It's at this time that the killers Katie Killer—Wonko The Sane enter and proceed to terrorize the family, killing them one by one. That's all I'm going to Folks That Do Other Shit For Us say about the plot Bill Daniels—Jorge Goyco—Jessica Little— because I hate too much information being Amanda Price spilled in reviews, as I'm sure you do, too. On the Interwebz Thingy at I watch horror because I http://www.979represent.com truly adore being scared. The possibility Emaily to [email protected] of being terrified at the edge of my seat is what drives me to the thea- Materials for review & bribery can be sent to: ter, hoping that when I 979Represent get home I'll need to look under my bed or 1707 Austin Ave. check the depths of my closets before I even College Station, TX 77840 put my head on the 979-204-4850 pillow. At no time did this sorry movie elevate my blood pressure in any level of petrifying suspense. Let me also iterate that I have no problem with jump scares in a horror movie, but if that's all the film uses to shock the audience I My Father Says I’m a call it a lazy and worthless effort. I can't count how many times they utilized that stupid tactic. Also, it moves way too fast in the beginning, and the characters get slayed left Fine Young American and right before I could sympathize or give a damn about what happened to them. There were only a couple of char- The wasp needed the swatting acters that showed any kind of freak-out emotion while and that’s all there is to it. their family members were getting tacked off, so the acting He was there by my front door, was completely wooden and unrealistic. The killers were sweeping around his front door, not in the slightest degree intimidating with their dollar at the edge of a nest built like a rabbit hole store plastic animal masks and black military attire. There pointing towards a Wonderland where were a few silly parts, which I didn't find all that humorous, his wings and ruddy stinger were all the rage, but there were also quite a few scenes that I don't think admired by other hairy-toed wasps and were supposed to be intentionally funny. Not a sign of good dragonfly ladies - I loathed his charms. writing, in my opinion.

Yes, the wasp needed the swatting One redeeming factor was the protagonist, who was a like- although I regret swatting him with last week’s able badass. She knew her shit and could give as good as unread New Yorker. I wouldn’t want to give she got. My only beef with her character is she transforms the impression that I had correctional from a clever survivalist to a cheesy Xena Warrior Princess pet-ish affections for him, or that I within the last 20 minutes of the film, which, I believe, was took him as the literary type if, in fact, he has not meant to be intentionally funny; however, some people as much use for books as I have for in the audience thought it was a riot. If I could sum up this a swarthy venom tipped tail – one should movie in one word, it would be predictable. I hate being not infringe, even on an infringer. THAT person that says they knew what was going to happen all along, but seriously....I knew what was going to happen Indeed, the wasp needed the swatting all along. The story was nothing new, and the ending wasn't delivered fully through with jingoist pride. anything innovative. Maybe I'm just that much of a sea- But he staggered from my attempt, taking wing, soned horror watcher, or maybe I'm just jaded from being jostling about round and randy like a ripped off yet again from another feeble Hollywood attempt good slug of Jameson clog-swirled his brain. at producing a "game changer", but this film didn't have To the right and down, I saw him – mid-flight anything to offer that hasn't been done before. Don't waste - tipsy to his top, and there myself in him, your hard-earned dough with this at the theater, unless you plug drunk on the sort of insolence that have a squeamish, pansy ass hot date. Otherwise, wait for slays neighbors and declares demarcations. the DVD if you're interested or just stay far away from it - KEVIN STILL altogether.—VAMP VIXEN

A Horror Survival Guide This summer has given me the prime oppor- 3. Location, location, location tunity to watch a few horror flicks that have For all of you campers out there, it’s not okay to make due in been on my movie agenda for quite some time. I’ve seen the an area that is haunted, said to be haunted, or out of reach demons, ghosts, undead and the creatures that have been from civilization. In a quick escape you have to find a main hatched from the imagination of some sick, twisted, fucked- road, so stay close to the asphalt or carry a weapon of some up, beautiful minds of mankind, and all I have to say is… sort. We live in the South so that shouldn’t be too terribly RUN, BITCH, RUN! hard to find.

Honestly, I myself, am the girl in the movie theater talking For the victims inside of a house, the first sign of possible to herself and vocally telling the damsel in distress not to haunting or any hint of danger should be the only sign you open that door, not to walk in that room and I am the one need to smarten up and leave. I understand some dum- who screams at the characters to run and I tend to mock basses didn’t do the extensive background check on a house their intellect. I can understand why some people don’t that they just bought or a place that they will be staying, but enjoy watching the thrillers with me because…. well… I just geez don’t torture yourself. We both know that when things get so darn excited and I have to let it out somehow. move and when those crazy death vibes are around, then there is something watching you and that something wants I enjoy making a mental list of things to avoid if I were to to eat your soul… or face, either one. catch myself in a similar scenario. I have studied the faults of many characters and have fully thought these events out 4. If it say’s DO NOT OPEN, then don’t fucking open it. to where, in my mind, I have an escape plan for just about This is key into your survival. Do not open the black box everything. that says DO NOT OPEN, it’s there for a reason. I don’t care how curious you are; never poke crazy with a stick. There 1. Don’t fall. will be a demon, ghost, or some kind of spiritual evil that I can understand the clumsy ways of adrenalin-spiked, would pour out of its containment ready for vengeance. You horrified teens. But really? Do yourself a favor and get don’t want to be the asshole that unleashes unspeakable evil your ass back up and run. upon the world, do you?! Simply set down the cursed object and walk away. If you find yourself upon a group of ass- If you happen to find yourself on the ground with a being holes that opened, or wants to open the box, your best bet is that is attempting to slice your face off, then don’t try and to leave the area immediately, find a church and pray. Also crab walk away. You are not a gymnast and this will get you never speak to them again, because they are careless ass- nowhere. Instead, try your best to roll away and then hop holes. yourself back up and run…or run in a zig-zag fashion. Not only will the person—or monster—trying to kill you think 5. Believe in something. that you are crazy, but you’re spinning this killer into a loop A little bit of optimism goes a long way. Having hope could of ‘WTF just happened’. Stunned by your random-ness, this be the only motivation to keep on going. When all of your gives you a prime pause in the possibility of your murder to friends are splattered on the floor and the smell of the get away as fast—and as steady—as you can. metallic blood fills your nose, and your girlfriend/boyfriend has been carved into a pumpkin on Halloween, remember 2. You hear a noise and you want to be brave and discover there is life beyond this moment of horror. Don’t forget how what’s going on… Don’t! the sun feels on your face, or the smell of the beach. Re- 9 times out of 10, it’s going to be something you don’t want member all of the good things in life and keep on going. I to see. Save yourself the trouble of being trapped, or worse know almost everyone you have loved is now dead and are being offed at the beginning of this mental movie and as- mangled almost beyond identification, but there are millions sume the worst. Get your ass out of where ever you are and and millions of people left in the world; you’re bound to find don’t look back. My mother always told me “Don’t go a few that you could get along with. Maybe you would never searching for trouble, because sure enough you’re going to be completely sane, but no one really is. Join the army, join be stuck in between the devil and a closed door.” Oh a therapy group, and join a swim team. Life will be good momma, with your silly sayings and your crazed religious, again, just have a little faith in the universe and KEEP ON who knew that it would all come in handy one day. GOING.—JESSICA LITTLE By bill daniels Roar shark By Jorge goyco Welcome To Aggieland: A Guide To the Cool Stuff In B/CS

OK, so you made it off to college. You’ve got all your stuff unpacked in your tiny dorm room with the smelly roommate from parts unknown, or maybe you’ve got all your stuff tight in your first apartment with all your bros and ladies. You’ve got your books, you know (for the most part) where your classes are, but you don’t really know Bryan/College Station yet. You’ve heard vaguely about Northgate and you’re pretty sure you can get back to the grocery again next week by yourself but you’re pretty convinced that your friends are all right. You are pretty fucking dumb for having chosen to go to Texas A&M or Blinn instead of Rice or U of H or UT or some- where much cooler out of state. Well, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You have something cooking right here in your very own backyard. You see, if all you do is stay on University Dr. or Texas Ave. then you’d never know that Bryan/College Station has some awesome places to patronize that aren’t located on the beaten path right in front of you. We’ve got lots of tiny places full of charac- ter AND characters.

Every town has pretty much the same chain restaurants and stores. It’s the homespun unique places in a town that make you want to stick around. We’ve got lots of restaurants and shops and they are all practically BEG- GING you to spend your parents’ hard-earned money with them. This map will help you find the cool places to shop and the cool stuff to do at night without having the inconvenience of stumbling around town. That’s how much we love you...we’ll do you this solid gratis.

I moved here in the summer of 2006 and it took me easily a year to find out that there was actually cool stuff to do here beyond the usual Aggie and Northgate stuff. And the usual B/CS stuff isn’t bad, really. I’ve lived in many college towns over the years and I’ve never at- tended or worked at a university more rich in tradition than Texas A&M. Going to a football game here is as big a deal as going to see the pros play. I’m proud to be an adjunct Aggie. But if sports or redneck culture is not your bag, then please refer often to the map on this page and try out some of the cool and unique stuff Bryan/ College Station has to offer. And then why don’t you maybe see about offering something up yourself!! Start a band, even if you’ve never touched a musical instrument in your life. Paint. See a play or write and produce one. Sculpt. Make art out of trash. Hold a protest. Join the roller derby league. Make friends with someone your mama accessories, etc. and staffed by runners. and daddy would absolutely freak out if they ever saw you with ...and then introduce them to each other at Parents Week- C-Ment Skateboard & Apparel end! 2041 Harvey Mitchell Pkwy. S. College Station (979) 680-1000 Skater owned and operated, C-Ment’s got all the rad skate The point here is that college really is what you make of it. supplies and apparel. It’s the magic time in your life when you have adult privileges without full-on adult responsibility. Whatever you do Clockwork Gaming (provided it doesn’t kill you or somebody else) will pretty http://clockworkgaming.com much be excused away as “oh, that was just my crazy college 913 Harvey Rd. College Station (979) 703-1838 years”. Enjoy it, because it will pass you by quick. Bryan/ A gaming shop and refuge owned and operated by longtime College Station is full of memories waiting to happen. To let Aggie gamers. Purchase cards, compete in video game tourna- them go to waste is worse than failing Chemistry. I guarantee. ments or play pickup games with friends in a comfortable —KELLY MINNIS environment.

Arsenal Tattoo & Design FX Video Game Exchange http://www.arsenaltattoo.com fxvideogameexchange.com 2045 S. Harvey Mitchell Pkwy. College Station (979) 696-3430 1500 Harvey Rd. College Station (979) 696-4263 If you’re looking to get inked, this is the place in B/CS to get Locally owned and operated by real gamers and not corporate quality artistry. managed to the point of ripping you off like some other chain game stores around here we could name. Bill Allen Motorcycle Co. 3607A S. College Ave. Bryan (979) 822-4294 Flip & Peel Get your ride slicked up right with the best local motorcycle http://flipandpeel.com sales, customization and repair house around. 1500 Harvey Rd. College Station (979) 703-7885 Not exactly Stover Boys again but you can get the classic Brazos Running Company Stover Burger plus Mexican street burgers and bizarre fry http://brazosrunning.com concoctions. The only reason to go to the mall these days. 1667 S. Texas Ave. College Station (979) 485-9830 The area’s first store to exclusively serve runners and walkers, Fuzzy’s Taco Shop from beginners to marathon pros. Shoes, clothing, http://fuzzystacoshop.com

Welcome To Aggieland: A Guide To the Cool Stuff In B/CS

Half Price Books http://www.hpb.com 1505 University Dr. College Station (979) 696-2325 This is the closest thing to a cool record store we have...plus lots of other cool used movies, comics and books.

J Cody’s http://www.jcodys.com 3610 S. College Ave. Bryan (979) 846-2639 The best BBQ experience in town. Other places have great meat but J. Cody has a great meal.

Koppe Bridge Bar & Grill http://www.koppebridge.com 11777 FM 2154 College Station (979) 764-2933 Local polls rate Koppe Bridge’s burgers as the best in town. If it’s not the best then it’s definitely one of the top three.

La Bodega Taco Bar http://bodegatacos.com 102 Church Ave. College Station (979) 220-5126 Mexican restaurants are a dime a dozen around here but La Bodega does it super fresh with an emphasis on fish, vegeta- bles and health.

Lippman Music Co. http://lippmannmusic.com 112 Nagle St. College Station (979) 846-1225 The local’s favorite hole in the wall jampacked with amps, guitars, and such. You can also get set-ups, repairs and gear rentals there too.

Margies 320 N. Main St. Bryan (979) 822-8422 Margie’s is an old school dive bar that’s friendly as hell and they pat out one of the best burgers you’ll ever have by hand right before your eyes.

Mr. G’s Pizzeria http://www.gotomrgs.com 201 W. 26th St. Bryan (979) 822-6747 No college town is complete without a ripping local pizza joint, and Mr. G’s is ours. We recommend the calzone.

Primo Pizza http://primopizza.com 1712 Southwest Pkwy. College Station (979) 764-8220 109 Walton Dr. College Station (979) 402-4439 OK, it’s a chain but they have great food, free wifi and it is, Charlie Stover does uptown pizza right, like a big town gour- according to Mrs. Editor, one of the best places to study in met pizza joint. town while avoiding the other douchebags at the local coffee shops. Proudest Monkey 108 S. Main St. (979) 361-4777 G. Hysmith Skatepark The Paddock Lane folks’ Bryan bar that has stellar food as well http://cstx.gov/skatepark as a cool older urban bar kind of feel to it. 979Rep staff 1600 Rock Prairie Rd. College Station recommends you try the chorizo burger. Over 1600 square feet of bowls, walls, street courses, hips, and ollie boxes. All concrete, all rad. Revolution Café & Bar 211 S. Main St. Bryan (979) 823-4044 Grand Station The heart and soul of the local dirtbag community. It’s like http://grandstationent.com your favorite living room house party with a cash bar! Free wi- 2400 Earl Rudder Fwy College Station (979) 696-1100 fi, good drinks and the best live music around. Lazer tag, cash bar bowling, video games, etc. Like Chuckie Cheese for adults & without shitty pizza. Wait, no, they got Smoken Joes shitty pizza too. http://smokenjoes420.com 3701 S. Texas Ave. Bryan (979) 260-1636 Grand Stafford Theater You can get cigarettes anywhere, right? Yeah, but this place http://grandstaffordtheater.com really knows its tobacco, y’know? If you’ve ever rolled your 106 S. Main St. Bryan own then this is your place. The Brazos Valley’s premiere live music venue, serving up rock, country, blues and other musics. Spoons Yogurt http://spoonsyogurt.com Guitar Center 1509 S. Texas Ave. College Station (979) 446-0085; 943 Wil- http://guitarcenter.com liam D. Fitch Pkwy. College Station (979) 690-8290 & 2305 1003 Harvey Rd. College Station (979) 694-6982 Boonville Rd. Bryan (979) 776-5670 Brand new to town. Gots pretty much whatever you need for Self-serve yogurt & sorbet with an assortment of fresh fruit, music making, however you make it. candy, nuts and whatever in Bryan and College Station. There are others, but Spoons does it best.

Stover Bros. Cafe facebook.com/StoverBros 1760 Briarcrest Dr. Bryan (979) 846-8199 Inside Village Foods (the hippie grocery) you will find award -winning quirky meals with all local ingredients designed by The return of still drinking the Valley’s only rock star chef, Charlie Stover.

To The Point Piercing Hi. My name is Kevin, and I love beer. I fell in love with beer tothepointbodypiercing.com when I lived overseas in China. The first night Chad moved 119 Walton St. College Station (979) 595-4153 into the Foreign Person’s building, we went to the restaurant If you love it then you should put a ring through it...and if on the first floor and ordered two mugs of Yantai Pijui. Then so then you should definitely let Jave and company be the two more. Then we lost count. The shao-jei watched a Chi- ones to do it. nese soap opera about feudal society and pigs in the yard and forbidden love, and the shao-jei smoked cigarettes in the Village Café corner, staring at that screen, while Chad and I laughed about thevillagedowntown.com our flights into the country and the toilets built into the 210 W. 26th St. Bryan (979) 703-8514 floors. We laowai became accomplished Chinese beer drink- Great fresh food, cool atmosphere and the occasional singer ers, collecting empty green bottles on our patios. -songwriter in the corner. Also plays host to the hottest salsa dance night in the twin cities. (I had a hamster named Gung-Fu who dove off that second floor patio through a drain pipe. I went to dinner with Chad Village Foods and his wife and our friend with the sun allergy, and I left http://www.villagefoods.com Gung-Fu on the patio. When we came back, he was not on the 1760 Briarcrest Dr. Bryan (979) 846-9600 patio. We buried him in a cigarette box without ceremony, The best selection of organic, free-range and gluten-free making it a two pijui bomber night. We poured one out for groceries in B/CS, and home to both Stover Bros. Café and Gung-Fu. Beneath the belch of the Yellow Sea there was always the temporary home for Heberts Cajun (since it was dis- something to toast and cheer and pour one out for.) placed from its long-time Northgate home last year). I took a job at Starbucks in Kansas City on returning to the Vy’s Kitchen states. We performed daily coffee tastings. We sniffed and http://vyskitchen.com wafted and sipped and took notes, pairing African coffees 102 Live Oak St. College Station (979) 485-9817 with lemon bars and Indonesian coffees with oatmeal treats. Pretty much the best pho in town, bro. And not just good And my palette became refined, indicating minute intricacies for here. Just plain good period. in small samples of liquid, so much that when the uber-lovely Jason Scott brought a sixer of various IPAs to my house that Other Cool Stuff to Look Out For April and talked me through flavor profiles, I tasted the differ- ence between piney hops and citrus hops and British yeast In the last year College Station has opened up to the idea of and malty bases. Beer suddenly tasted like more than beer. the food truck, an idea that has taken off in urban locales And I was hooked. nationwide, particularly Austin. We have a few so far, and

I’m betting more will pop up soon. By the way, I’m sipping a Deschutes River Ale. I’m out of

tasting practice, so I’ll just say that it’s quite good. Bright and Cake Junkie crisp, some floral hops on the forefront, but I will not pur- http://cake-junkie.com (979) 268-2342 chase a full bouquet sixer. Too many beers looming on the Serving big-ass cupcakes out of their mobile truck, and you shelves, their labels a foreign script, a fresh market. I have so can also order custom cakes and cupcakes from their store- much to re-learn. front at 4001 E. 29th St. in Bryan.

Six months ago I called a beer fast. Haven’t touched a drop of Chef Tais Mobile Bistro it—or any alcohol—since the end of February. After years of http://cheftai.com (979) 268-3251 beer’s daily presence, daily preoccupation, I wanted to explore Chef Tai offers a unique fusion of Asian and American a beer free life. Financially. Physically. Creatively. Intellectu- cuisine with affordable meals and daily specials. He’s so ally. (The latter a lost cause.) An experiment of sorts to find good at it that recently Chef Tai’s Mobile Bistro was voted what would take beer’s place. For sheer practical purposes, America’s Favorite Food Truck by Food Network AND has the experiment proved successful. Within a matter of weeks, I expanded to running two trucks. found life progressing as such:

Stover Bros. Truck FINANCIALLY—Obviously, not purchasing two to three sixers Also not 100% operational at the moment, but will be deliv- a week and skipping frequent Happy Hours affects expenses. ering some of the awesome stuff served up at the Café but With the increase, the wife and I hacked hard at debts and on the road. pampered our only car with overdue maintenance. That occasional ten bucks here and there, after ten or more times, quickly amasses into hundreds. We’ve greatly enjoyed the spoils of a fresh budget.

PHYSICALLY—For years, I considered myself lactose intoler- ant. Avoided ice cream with biohazard ferocity. And I can safely attest that if there’s anything more precious than beer Find 979represent on facebook And979represent.com The return of still drinking

it’s ice cream. But ditching the beer did something to my Yeast rises to the flavor surface in several styles. Domestic pipes and drainage that suddenly welcomed mass quantities lagers, because of their make-up and simplicity, often taste of ice cream – even pizza! – with ne’er once a tumultuous skunky or “old” even when fresh. Beer geeks and lovers (allow gush. Intestinal peace and fortitude proved prize enough for me not to represent the insufferable beer-snob) possess a the sacrifice of ale. refined beer vocabulary to excuse such unpleasantries. We break down the specifics of the bittering hops, attributing CREATIVELY—I learned in grad school, much to my disap- piney or citrusy or coppery tinges to them. We refer to old pointment, that my literary faculties work best early in the world standards and traditional recipes while smacking— morning. Surprisingly, my wife and I both kept early hours damn near chewing—our way through malt heavy Bocks and this summer: drinking coffee and reading by 6:30 AM, passed Oktoberfests and stouts. We wax philosophically, with hints out and snoring by 10:00 PM. Such hours with zero career of the pastoral, about farmhouse yeasts and fruity Saisons. employment expecting report! Personal prohibition made And we frame our justifications of lagers in either economy or those early bedtimes easier, awakened areas of my mind nostalgia, ignoring the concreteness of actual flavor for some previously clouded, and helped me discover the creative abstract concept of more-bang-less-buck or fond fishing trip possibilities of caffeine consumed en masse. God bless the memories with a cooler of (insert gas station available 30- Allen Ginsbergs and Joe Strummers and Amy Winehouses and pack). Lil Wayne’s who create genius while stoned. The Hamster here can not. Right here, this is Hans Pils German Style Pilsner from Real Ale Brewing Company. Bought a sixer last night for a cookout. I My beer fast proved successful, but the fast, as planned, had remember loving this beer. I remember debating hop-heads to end. One week ago, after six beer free months, the wife and and malt-mallows alike over the merits of this beer. It’s sturdy I stood in our kitchen sharing dreams of houses on the mar- with a fine hop presence. It’s a German style, completely ket, new pug-dogs in our home, schooldays looming near with retuned as an American cover. It stands well alone, and it fresh faces and schedules and weariness. We talked fast and pairs fine with charcoal grilled beef and fixings. I had two last frantically, batches of tomorrows dancing between us as thick night, gave two to a stranger, and now here’s my next to last as bees in heat—and right there we decided to toast. Toast serving inspiring an end to this Still Drinkin’ deadline. I’m the end of summer and the beginning of school. Toast all the sipping this beer straight from the can and wondering, as I’ve untold possibilities. I held a bottle of Miller Lite (trusty, easy wondered with nearly every beer this week, if this actually favorite) in a pint glass, the wife a Coke Float Martini, and we tastes good or am I fanning old flames with alcohol and geek- clinked over Yuppie Fries at The Proudest Monkey. I sent a dom? I’m not sure. Hans Pils is a fine beer. Buy it up and dozen text messages, and the wife took several Facebook-able share it with new friends at a cookout. But I can’t help feeling photos. I would write it all in my diary later if I wasn’t too that I’d be just as content sipping iced coffee or Maine’s buzzed. Ginger Beer.

Six months sans alcohol caves a brother’s tolerance. Half way I say that, except that I truly and genuinely and dearly love a through my Miller Lite I felt myself involuntarily smiling. You $2 pint of Convict Hill Oatmeal Stout from Austin’s Independ- know you’re two sheets from ripped when you FEEL yourself ence Brewing Company at Grub Burger during their 3-6 Happy smiling. Then I ordered a Fireman’s Four and handed my wife Hours. (Can you tell this is a plug? It’s truly unsolicited. I can the keys. walk there. So I’m there for a Karbach Sympathy for the Lager and a Convict Hill often.) But my current stout preference I’m writing this a week later. Several glasses of Real Ale 4- makes sense. My black coffee in-take quadrupled during my Squared, Founders Dry Hopped Pale Ale, Alaskan Summer beer fast. The Sympathy for the Lager/Convict Hill duo might Kolsch, Karbach Sympathy For The Lager, and Lone Star later. be my new beerish go-to, harboring my soft palette fugitive Three rushed mornings, two Happy Hours, and one hair-of-the until my taste buds match my enthusiasms. -dog later. Breaking a fast breaks rhythm. Wonko handed me a Lone Star Light at Primo Pizza while Girl Band played behind While approaching the end of my fast I thought and talked us and I realized two things: I haven’t seen this dude in ages, endlessly—to the plight of my wife and a few fine friends— and I hate that our first beer hand-off in half a year consisted about how to do this wisely. Our budget is not hemorrhaging. of Lone Star Light. Suddenly, every meeting feels momentous. My body feels healed and happy. My writing will soon take Every table fresh. Every brew academic and portentous. Cans backseat to the new school year while my stack of books-to- and bottles and pint glasses like new school supplies. I drink read and films-to-watch grows faster than it shrinks. But beer in free verse and break lines to read the slip with floating is back, staggering up my driveway like the prodigal son after eyes. Just one more for research purposes! I’m a beer lover, a bender. You don’t want to overthink things, but you must after all, though greatly unpracticed. consider how best to invite the once sacrificed without sacri- ficing everything gained. I will be interested so see how the However, and with that being said, I’ve found myself sipping Spirit and the palette in tandem press forward. The two in beers this week and wondering if I even like this stuff any- cahoots, making fancy meetings at small tables. The two at more. To the unfamiliar palette, beer—in many of its incarna- fists, biting for more than the price of admission. In the tions—tastes offensive. Hops, by definition, are used to make meantime, I’m long overdue for a good cider.—KEVIN STILL beer more bitter. Malts are sweet and often taste bready. Find 979represent on facebook And979represent.com record REVIEWS

is former Pittsburgh Steelers head shake the notion that this record see them live, too.—MIKE L. coach Bill Cowher and a video for would have killed in the early 90s. DOWNEY “Cry Your Eyes Out” featuring But this ain't the early 90s. Coach’s acting prowess was Avenged Sevenfold hallows-out a posted on an NFL blog. I watched fine tribute to their predecessors out of curiosity and was com- and influences, but, like so much pletely blown away by that song. of their cultural fodder, I predict It was like Pattie Smythe of they'll shrink in the wash and Scandal fronting Pat Benatar’s fatten moths.—KEVIN STILL 1981 band. This song was a perfect send-up of early ‘80s power-pop/hard rock/AOR pre- MTV rock and roll. I watched the video five times in a row and made a note that I’d be buying Kylesa this single when I got home. Instead, I bought the whole album. Ultraviolet According to Online, the term There’s nothing else on here as Funeral Horse singularly right as “Cry Your Eyes “kilesa” comes from the Pali Savage Audio Demon language of Central India. In Out” but The Decade of Queen V Buddhism, “kilesa” (spelling still plays out like a modern Funeral Horse is the work of dictated per dialect) refers to a version of Scandal and Pat Bena- Houstonian Paul Chavez, who was mental state of emotional distress tar. The nods to modern rock also responsible for the electro- or thought poison. The band radio are still here. A little Kelly spazz of Art Institute and was Clarkson in “Good Enough”; a Kylesa, from Georgia's fair city of The Escatones until recently to be found Syl Savannah, where the trees pull little Paramore in “America”. But Sylvain-ing away at rhythm guitar more tourism than the pecan pie there’s still a bit of old school Slow Down Jackson for 1977 punk throwbacks The Sunset Strip metal in “Million To or the hospitality, seeks to em- There’s a great deal to like on this Bad Drugs. Funeral Horse is Paul’s body this cerebral slide. I can't One” and a surprising Lemmy stoner metal band. That’s the cameo on “Wasted” and overall, double album by the three-piece speak to all that, except to say Escatones, not the least is the off- easy explanation. The more in- that when you're writing an I’m surprisingly feeling this Queen depth study shows that Savage V album. kilter way vocalist/guitarist animal attack death scene into a Conner Pursell approaches each Audio Demon goes a bit deeper story, Kylesa is the perfect tonal than that. I’m not sure if “The Decade” refers tune. JT Popiel provides the bass inspiration. while Ken (that’s it, just Ken) to Queen V taking over the 2010’s Lead-off track “Fedaheen” is (I’m guessing if that’s the case drums. And, oh, yeah, it’s free. Also from Online, one learns the straight-up stoner metal and fans band Kylesa fulfills most of the then we have some serious of Sleep will recognize what’s hyperbole going on) or, it’s been Sometimes erroneously labeled a musical genres my mother consid- surf band, the Escatones may be going on here. Wait a sec. Once ers “devil worshipping” – sludge since 2005 for Queen V’s last you make it to “Crushed Under album, perhaps this is the last 10 influenced by that sound, but they metal, doom metal, death metal, are not limited to just one genre Shame and Misery”, it’s rocking stoner metal, psychedelic rock, years of the Queen’s life wrapped more like My War era Black Flag. up in song? Meh, who gives a fuck (although there are three nice surf fuzz rock, crust punk. I’m too new instrumentals, the best of which – Then you get to “Funeral Horse” to Kylesa (and all this genre lingo) really. This is a righteous big fist and it sounds like Gibby Haynes pumping modern rock record “Matt Johnson” ‘— samples the to say who worships who here. surf classic “Walk Don’t Run”). fronting Clutch. “Scatter My Kylesa's syrupy guitars and done without modern rock’s Ashes Over the Mississippi” starts current clichés.—KELLY MINNIS The best tune is the great rocker spiraled bass pry-back an Inferno- “Get Me Outta Here” that features out like early Monster Magnet reflective doorway into the sky, Pursell really leaning into the before kicking into something that assuring that Up remain rooted in vocals, especially on the chorus: “I sounds like Budgie or some other Down, and Hope swings hinged on don’t care how much the fare/Just proto-New Wave of British Heavy Despair. Vocally the album get me outta here.” We’ve all been Metal band. “Wings Ripped Apart” swims: yells, cleans, choral, shared there. Another strong song is keeps that sort of NWOBHM steelo male and female leads. Lyrically, “Fancy Walls” with its snappy beat going. “Invisible Hand of Re- Ultraviolet questions the validity and a tasty harmonica. It matches venge” is near thrash metal of Absolute Truth. And the Christ its “all right, all right” chorus with velocity until it takes a “Black follower in me, prone to similar some oddball lyrics: “TV sets Diamond”-esque tape machine curiosities, welcomes their in- crack open/And out fly birds/And slowing down to 1” per minute quiry. they’ll peck the eyes out/Of speed coda. The point here is that people like you and me.” “Loom” I think Funeral Horse has been Point blank: this record works. starts off straight out of the ‘60s, unfairly lumped into the “stoner Slow and dire. Thick but beautiful. an insistent strumming joined by metal” category. While the band Ultraviolet pierces sensation, a haunted echoing vocal that definitely has some of that vibe it dividing the blur between convic- explores that sound for more than also has elements of punk, gonzo, tion and suspicion. I’ve found Avenged Sevenfold six minutes. “Seeing Red” features glam and early metal in it too.— profound creative inspiration in Hail To the King a great guitar riff and a mournful KELLY MINNIS this record. And, called back, I’ve vocal wanting to “burn out the found Kylesa’s discography genre- I never liked these guys, but they nightmare.” “Mother Methhead” is ly scattered but consistently sell a shit-ton of t-shirts. When I another mournful vocal with yet progressive.—KEVIN STILL taught high school English in another catchy guitar riff that also Kansas City back nearly a decade segues into a great guitar explora- ago, every other t-shirt was either tion for nearly 5 minutes. Avenged Sevenfold, Fall-Out Boy or Bob Marley. I listened to some The album Slow Down Jackson Avenged Sevenfold back in their goes short (the two-minute sweet City Of Evil days, and it did not rocking “Open Wide”) and long move me. The guitars were finger- (the slow brooding nearly 15- plucky, weirdly masturbatory, like minute guitar/bass/drums oddity darkly electric blue-grass, and the “Waterwall/Spin Cycle”). And then vocals were operatic, but they did there’s the strange “1890” about a not move me. 19th-century massacre: “Kill them all on sight.” Even the lesser This new Hail To The King circum- tunes have something to offer – Maria Bamford cises all seven of Avenge’s folds - the basic “Stars” just kicks along Ask Me About My New God to a certain degree. As a progres- until a nice chorus merges into sive metal record, AHTK fails. As some very playful guitar. That’s In recent Louis CK specials, Louis a retrospective hat-tip to the slim one of the beauties of this album – Queen V has helped us laugh at divorce and history of late 80s hair metal, just when you think you’ve the grossness of narcissism. The Decade of Queen V Judas Priest, or any Ozzy album figured out what’s next, you get an featuring Zakk Wylde, the album Patton Oswalt points fingers at I found this album in an unlikely almost-Irish tune or a psycho serves as a catchy karaoke track of parenthood and religion, while way. Queen V’s current boyfriend freak-out. Don’t slow down, and drunk sung nostalgias. I can't Sarah Silverman stays fairly well CONCERT CAlenDAR

9/5—Octopus Project, Scientist, Atarimatt @ Grand Stafford, 9/20—Rock 103.9 Homebrew presents Evil United @ Grand Staf- Bryan. 9pm ford, Bryan. 9pm

9/6—The Ton Ton’s, The O’s, Votary @ Grand Stafford, Bryan. 9/22—Kinky Friedman @ Grand Stafford, Bryan. 9pm 9pm 9/27—Texas Reds Festival presents Steve Wariner, John Conley @ 9/7—Rattletree Marimba @ Revolution, Bryan. 10pm Palace Theater, Bryan. 7pm 9/27—Zeale, Gobi, Lance Lane @ Grand Stafford, Bryan. 9pm 9/12—Green River Ordinance @ Grand Stafford, Bryan. 9pm 9/28—Downfall 2012, Signal Rising, Myra Maybelle, Dimitri’s Rail 9/13—First Yell with Robert Earl Keen, Lyle Lovett, Rodney Cro- @ Grand Stafford, Bryan. 9pm well, Emmylou Harris @ Kyle Field, College Station. 8pm 9/13—Race To the Moon, Magic Girl & Her Ex-Husbands @ Grand 10/3—Jonathan Tyler & The Northern Lights @ Grand Stafford, Stafford, Bryan. 9pm Bryan. 9pm

9/14—Football, Etc., The Ex-Optimists, Sparrows, This Year’s Tiger 10/5—The Hangouts, Girl Band, The Ex-Optimists, Bounce House @ @ Revolution, Bryan. 10pm New Republic Brewery, College Station. 8pm

9/19—Funeral Horse, P.L.X.T.X., The Tron Sack, $PF 1,000,000 @ 10/6—Mushroomhead, One-Eyed Doll, Signal Rising @ Grand Revolution, Bryan. 10pm Stafford, Bryan. 9pm

record REVIEWS (cont.) focused on race relations and DEFENDING MILEY farting. Mike Birbiglia’s most recent album actually made his sleepwalking disorder interesting, Yes, I’m going there. Mainly because I’m Antwoord videos. Miley’s odd facial antics heartbreaking, and oddly hilari- surprised no one else has yet. and her clothing...the whole white on white ous. Tig Notaro, in an unexpected and ’80s British Knights looking style... all turn at the Largo Theater last year, brought her breast cancer into Everyone and their grandma has lined up to seem to be directly cribbed from Yolandi light and reiterated how vital express their shock and Visser. The outlandish comedy can be to coping with awe at Miley Cyrus’s celebration of hip-hop’s personal disaster. If comedy performance at the 2013 current devices blown out accomplishes anything profound MTV Video Music Awards of proportion tongue-in- or great, it’s this: it teaches us to laugh in the face of unpleasantry, last month. We’ve seen cheek is Die Antwoord’s even despair. the endless handwringing, specialty. The major the memes (some hilari- difference between Miley And there’s a good chance no one ous, some not so much), Cyrus and the South has touched as closely to the void the celebrities lining up to African hip-hop duo is as Maria Bamford. Those familiar with Bamford know her comedy condemn her shenani- that Die Antwoord have revolves primarily around her bi- gans, so many teenage decades of avant-garde polar disorder and her debilitating (and not so teenage) performance art to their paranoia. Those unfamiliar with memories of loving Han- credit. Die Antwoord pull Bamford may not be prepared for nah Montana burned to off the “are they for her unique approach to comedy, which relies exclusively on charac- cinders….etc. blah blah real?” audacity because ter voices, random internal blah. What I haven’t seen we can’t entirely be sure dialogues, and winding explora- is any of the internet that they aren’t for real. tions of her family’s inability to tastemakers that as re- It is never in question understand Maria as a fragile cently as two weeks whether or not Miley teetering being. (In fact, Bam- ford’s family is extremely suppor- before her performance Cyrus is for real. I’m tive of her comedy, as her parents were lauding her audacity pretty sure the entire declared by serving as the sole and the straight up mind- Miley Cyrus camp be- audience for Bamford’s SPECIAL fuck of her most recent lieves. Meanwhile, if I SPECIAL SPECIAL recorded earlier video for the single “We were Ninja and Yolandi, this year in their living room.) Can’t Stop” coming out to I’d be sending her a As a huge fan of Maria Bamford, I defend her or at least add beargram in condolence. think her newest record Ask Me some context to her performance. About My New God is her best yet. I get that many of you out there didn’t see It’s tough for me not to use words Stop reading this right now, go hunt You- this coming. The last time you saw Miley like “genius” or “masterpiece” or “more inspiring than a Soul tube for “We Can’t Stop”, watch it and then was on the last episode of Hannah Montana. Surfer/Dead Poets mash-up” when come back to me. Done? Word. Now I am willing to give Miley and company the discussing this record, so I’ll just Miley’s performance begins to take on a benefit of the doubt that they had set up the say it’s really super fucking little bit of context. In said video for “We “new Miley” in advance and had assumed amazing. Here Bamford further Can’t Stop”, Miley spends a great deal of that everyone was on the same page. They tackles her mental instability, as well as her inability to function time doing some very odd things, many of assumed we’d already seen “We Can’t Stop” within her family and society, but those things we all saw in the VMA perform- and were ready to see Miley’s new artistic she also addresses (at length) her ance. The weird tongue thing, the dancing direction blown up to VMA proportion. They suicidal tendencies and tempta- plushies, the twerking, the daggering, etc. were dreadfully wrong. That was a pretty tions. She even offers profound This video was praised recently on influen- gutsy and ballsy move on their part. I have reasons to stay alive, such as spite. This is not the stuff— tial blog Dangerous Minds for being “a respect for believing in something and going depression, anxiety, mental mindfuck” and “straight up David Lynchian out and giving it 110%. Miley and her artistic illness, suicide—one expects from shit”. I watched the video at the time and team failed. They failed BIG. I like that the year’s best comedy record, but thought that whoever was coordinating Miley and company at least tried to go big. Bamford is a brave one, revealing Miley’s art direction had spent a great deal Sometimes you stick that sick move. Some- all her unwanted thoughts without reserve. As really good comedy of time watching Holy Mountain and Die times you break something on landing.— should do.—KEVIN STILL KELLY MINNIS