PO Box 42129, LA, CA 90042 www.razorcake.com #21 I called Sean up sometime during the next week. We talked ean Carswell is trying to kill me. Maybe he doesn’t magazine. Then I asked him if he’d been sunburned too. No. Just a know it. First, it was sun poisoning. According to his little bit more of a tan, he said. SSversion of the story, he was just trying to teach me to About a month later, after my head had fully healed, Sean surf. We just happened to forget to apply sun block. It was cloudy. came down to LA. We went to skate before we dropped off copies I thought, what the heck. I had a full suit on, so only my head, of Bucky Sinister’s new book at the distributor. hands, and feet were exposed. My special lady friend, Megan, had Sean’s a sneaky bastard. He brought up the existential void. just shaved my head. Right in the middle of skating a bowl. See, Nørb mentions it in his As I was bobbing in the ocean, trying not to fall off a piece of column in this issue, though he doesn’t use fruity terms like foam shaped in fiberglass, I got to see some dolphins up real close. “existential void.” Like four feet away. And they were wrestling. I also caught my We talked a lot about Nørb’s column and how it applies to us. first-ever wave and rode it for quite a long time. That made me feel I was thinking about it when I dropped in, carved the deep end, really good. It’s not a “dude-brah, gnarly” good. Just a feeling of then sketched in a place I’d never sketched before, and smashed accomplishment and the thought, of yeah, I’d like to do this again into a transition wall. Stunned, I crawled out of the bowl and and again. caught my breath. “I’ll admit,” I told Sean, “there are times when I Not to hammer this point too often, but the people who make wondered why I’m so interested in making magazines when it this magazine aren’t rich. I can’t think of one of our contributors seems like, as Nørb put it, it ‘is merely another specific instance of who isn’t blue collar or working class poor. We have no an ongoingly generic activity.’” That no matter what the activity, benefactors. The magazine doesn’t pay us any sort of salary. Both no matter how fulfilling and wished for, there’s still a large part of Sean and I constantly have to find work. So when I stood up on a us striving for something to fill a blaring, permanent nothingness. surfboard and rode a wave in, while hanging out with one of my Instead of giving up, that’s why we continue. And if I think about best friends, that was really cool. it all the time, I go crazy. So I skate, learn how to surf, and read. At first I thought the pain in my chest was from wolfing down I dropped in again, a little sore. As I slashed the top of the the burrito after surfing. My second thought was that maybe it was bowl, my rear trucks hung up, I fell about ten feet, landed the nachos and some vengeful jalapenos. I couldn’t fully catch my awkwardly, and had a hard time standing. Sean slid down and breath, even when I went to sleep that night, over ten hours later. picked up my board as I gingerly pulled myself up. My third thought, about five hours later, was that my body was Ten days later, I learned that I cracked my rib with my own poorly digesting all the sun it had absorbed hand. I know it’s not his fault. By this time, I hope you know I’m The next morning, my head was sticking to my pillow. I had to joking about that Sean Carswell dude – and Nørb and all of these peel it slowly from the pillowcase. When I looked in the bathroom Razorcake folks. But they are killing me. By helping me question mirror, it was pretty alarming. Imagine the tip of a hotdog the size every victory and every fall. of a human head. Imagine that rounded tip split at the seams and flayed open from over-boiling. That’s what my head looked like. A –Todd clear yellow liquid oozed from my skull. Super. Over the next several days, my head morphed into an angry patchwork of dry lakebed scabs circumscribed by reddened scars.
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Thank you list: Color-separated, your lead singer’s in restraints thanks to Julia Smut for her Freddy, of the Riverboat Gamblers, help with the cover; 1-2-3-4 Go! thanks to Mike Frame for the Career Suicide interview and fill and a sleepy friend, April. in the blank thanks ______for whoever took the shots. (We asked but didn’t get a response. Sorry.); Books is good’n’stuff thanks to Jim Conklin for his indie books article and everyone’s a demon waiting to happen thanks to Rob Ruelas for the illustration; Personal Vietnam thanks to Mitch Cardwell for the Clorox Girls interviews and wide-angled thanks to Chrystaei Branchaw for those pics; Schwangled is just fun to say thanks to Rochelle Fox for the Ends pics; Headbutt to the groin when you’re doing dishes thanks to Dan Glenn Fury for the Spontaneous Disgust interview; Out of the blue and killing it thanks to Chris Larsen for his illustration in Jim’s column; If I’m looking at it right, she’s not wearing pants thanks to Jennifer Whiteford; You can take a motherfucking photo thanks to Dan Monick for his picture in Nørb’s column; The guy wanting pork chops in the vending machine picture was just as good thanks to Terry Rentzepis for his illustration in Dale’s column; Pignuts in a clutch thanks to Tommy Wrenn for his illustration in Seth’s column; You are a very patient man thanks to Randy Iwata for his digital help with Nardwuar’s column; Yo! Ho! Ho! Rum good! thanks to Jeff Fox; Critical analysis one future 99 cent bin CD at a time thanks to Aphid Peewit, Cuss Baxter, Donofthedead, Jimmy Alvarado, Liz O., Speedway Randy, and Puckett; Zine reviews can be like pages and pages of emo played really, really slowly thanks to Greg Barbera. www.razorcake.com *• PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042 "So, we’re all in one spot. Is it a riot, now?" Issue #21 August/ Sept. 2004 The Soviettes, "Channel X" Liz O ...... Guerrilla My Dreams ...... pg. 4 Art ...... Rummy Duck’s Fun Page...... pg. 7 Jim Ruland ...... Lazy Mick ...... pg. 8 Maddy ...... Shiftless When Idle ...... pg. 10 Rev. Nørb ...... Love, Nørb ...... pg. 12 Gary Hornberger ...... Squeeze My Horn ...... pg. 16 Jennifer Whiteford...... Marlie’s Story ...... pg. 18 Designated Dale ...... I’m Against It ...... pg. 20 Sean Carswell ...... A Monkey to Ride the Dog ...... pg. 22 Seth Swaaley...... Swinging Door Conversations ...... pg. 24 Nardwuar The Human Serviette ..... Who Are You? ...... pg. 30 The Rhythm Chicken ...... The Dinghole Reports ...... pg. 32 Ben Snakepit ...... Snakepit ...... pg. 41 ***** Chrystaei Branchaw’s Photo Page ...... The Triggers ...... pg. 43 Career Suicide ...... Interview by Mike Frame ...... pg. 44 Independent Books ...... Article by Jim Conklin ...... pg. 48 Riverboat Gamblers ...... Interview by Todd Taylor ...... pg. 56 Clorox Girls ...... Interview by Mitch Cardwell ...... pg. 60 The Ends ...... Interview Todd Taylor ...... pg. 64 Spontaneous Disgust ...... Interview Dan Glenn Fury ...... pg. 68 Dan Monick’s Photo Page ...... Yawns Are Hellos ...... pg. 75 ***** Record Reviews ...... The Musical Equivalent of a Shoe Box Full of Human Penises ...... pg. 76 Zine Reviews .... Kind of Like the Zine Equivalent to Hawkwind ..... pg. 106 Book Reviews ...... If Things Go Wrong, We Eat Them ...... pg. 110
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With each passing minute, the crowd grows in size until it eventually reaches 5,000 protesters. Bikers march alongside church ladies and high school boys in System of Down t-shirts march with college girls in stiletto heels.
MARCHING FOR THE NEW ARMENIA Armenian community in Constantinople – from attend the protest. In truth, I was a bit nervous intellectuals to journalists to politicians – were about waving a picket sign in public for the first “I should like to see any power of the world expelled from the city by the Turkish regime and time, given my mother’s ravings, “Don’t get destroy this race, this small tribe of unimportant later murdered. While Armenians had suffered at yourself arrested. Don’t let anyone take your people, whose wars have all been fought and the hands of Ottoman Turks since the late 1800s picture. Remember the Patriot Act.” Despite lost, whose structures have crumbled, literature in the form of scattered massacres and other this, however, I felt compelled to shout out is unread, music is unheard and prayers are no abuses, this date marks the beginning of what we demands at a building that may be nearly empty, more answered. Go ahead, destroy Armenia. See now call the Armenian Genocide. The first of its given that Martyrs’ Day fell on a weekend this if you can do it. Send them into the desert with- kind in the twentieth Century, in which a dying year. Close to ninety years ago, my great-grand- out bread or water. Burn their homes and empire, attempting to retain some sense of fathers left their homeland for life before they churches. Then see if they will not laugh, sing power, held a minority group responsible for its could be gathered by Ottoman troops to alleged- and pray again. For when two of them meet any- problems and then engaged in the systematic ly serve in the military, a call that meant certain where in the world, see if they will not create a purging of said group from its system. death at the hands of an army that was supposed New Armenia.” –William Saroyan Martyrs’ Day takes on a special significance to protect these citizens of the Empire. My great- in Los Angeles, California, as the city is home to grandmothers, no more than fifteen or sixteen at This passage has become something of a the world’s largest Armenian community outside the time, were led into the brutal desert of the mantra for Armenians living in the Diaspora, of of Armenia. Armenian-owned establishments, Middle East. All saw family, friends and neigh- which there are several million. Walk into an ranging from the Zankou Chicken chain, to bors brutalized or killed. All were reluctant to Armenian store and you may just see Saroyan’s Armenian markets scattered across the city, speak of these events afterward. My grandmoth- words posted on a wall next to a print of Mount close their doors. The signs in the windows note er, the first-born child of Armenian immigrants, Ararat. Talk to an Armenian for just five minutes that this is in remembrance of the Armenian did not even know about the Genocide until she and you may just realize that this is not just Genocide, where 1.5 million perished at the was in her twenties. Even then, everything she something to be recited at will, but a sentiment hands of Ottoman Turks. Generally, the signs heard was told in vague terms. With all this, I by which many of us live. also mention that this Genocide is not officially felt that I had to march for the great-grandpar- As a third-generation Ameriguhye (Armenian recognized by the United States and is flatly ents I never met, whose stories are untold and by blood, American by nationality), I am more denied by Turkey, who claims that the amount of whose pain has been denied. familiar with the sound of an 808 than a dumb- Armenians lost during this period of time was a Alice, on the other hand, is not Armenian. eg, more familiar with the work of F. Scott simple consequence of World War I. Across She is an Irish-Scottish-Cherokee mix reared Fitzgerald than Gostan Zarian. Yet, if I meet town, several events commemorate the date. In between Kentucky and Cincinnati, Ohio, who another Armenian at a party, we will almost cer- Montebello, solemn services are conducted at had never heard the term Armenian before mov- tainly become friends. We will bond over new the Armenian Martyrs’ Monument, while two ing to Los Angeles two years ago. Alice’s intro- world lives that are never quite free of the old rallies are held on Hollywood Boulevard in East duction to the Armenian community was by hap- world. Marriages may no longer be arranged and Hollywood and an annual protest takes place at penstance. She was driving around town one girls may no longer be expected to roll the per- the Turkish Consulate, located on a section of night when a group of Armenian guys in the car fect grape leaf, but we may still grow up in fam- Wilshire Boulevard adjacent to the ritzy next to her waved. The guys pulled over, as did ilies where everyone is auntie or uncle, regard- Hancock Park neighborhood. she, and a conversation ensued. Alice became less of whether the person is a parent’s sibling, In the Armenian language class I attend every friends with the group, such good friends in fact, distant cousin or family friend. We may share Saturday afternoon, the instructor handed out that when her neighbors started to harass the flyers for the latter event, sponsored by the AYF guys by breaking windows and otherwise van- LIZ O stories about what it was we said at the dinner table that caused our grandmothers to clutch (Armenian Youth Federation), a subsidiary of dalizing their cars, she moved. Through friend- their chests and gasp “Amot (shame)!;” joke the Armenian Revolutionary Federation, which ship, Alice became more interested in Armenian about how Armenian vegetarianism means was founded for the primary purpose of creating culture. She watched Armenian movies and lis- choosing chicken kebab over lamb kebab; and, a free, independent Armenia. Since the fall of the tened to Armenian music. She enrolled in lan- of course, swap insults in a language that few Soviet Union and subsequent emergence of the guage lessons at the local community college others will be able to understand. Armenian Nation, the group’s mission has (where we met) and began to research the histo- However, the greatest bond between evolved to keeping Armenia free and indepen- ry of this ancient people, particularly the Armenians, no matter where we now live, is that dent, preserving Armenian culture in the Genocide. The more she read, the more she we are the descendants of those who escaped the Diaspora and fighting for recognition of the knew that she, too, had to march. historical homeland on Ancient Anatolia and Genocide. They also include the lofty goals of It is 2:00 p.m. when we arrive on the corner Cilicia (Eastern Turkey) with little more than reparations and return of the land lost as a con- of Wilshire and June and the sun is blazing as their lives. Nowhere is this more evident than it sequence of this atrocity. The march at the though it is August instead of April. Already, we is annually on the Twenty-fourth of April. Consulate dates back to the early 1970s, when have had a pretty full day and the heat seems to Referred to as Martyrs’ Day by Armenians in my father and his friends, college students at the drain any energy we have left as it burns our every part of the world, April 24 was the date in time, participated in the event. skin. That morning, we drove to the Armenian 1915 when two hundred and fifty leaders of the My friend, Alice, and I decided that we had to Martyrs’ Monument, a structure that looks like a frame for the Washington Monument and is sit- uated in the middle of a golf course. We had the wrong time and, thus, arrived five hours prior to the start of the services. Thinking that we were on time and everyone else was desperately late, we sat around and watched the Armenian Scouts rehearse the flag ceremony for a bit. When we finally realized how early we were for the cere- mony, and how late we were for class, we left. We made it to school on Armenian time, that is, approximately one hour behind schedule, only to realize that our teacher was letting class out early. As we round the corner at June, we notice that a crowd is already forming in front of the Consulate. Like the bulk of Los Angeles proper, this neighborhood straddles the urban and the suburban. The main stretch of Wilshire boasts one office building after another, but the side on which we congregate has the crisp façade of an upscale suburb – large homes marked by rich green grass, gardens and driveways lined with soccer mom cars. We walk around looking for shade and people to watch when we meet the requisite Lyndon LaRouche crew, distributing newspaper print handouts describing the Middle East policy of the perennial presidential candi- date. We engage in a brief conversation with one of the LaRouche volunteers, a conversation involving copious use of the word paradigm, as I look out of the corner of my eye and notice a woman peering out of a Consulate window. Her face is stern and she slowly shakes her head as if to say, “Damn, it’s those Armenians again. Why can’t they just get over it?” I smirk. After managing to get away from the LaRouche crowd (nice guys, but it’s starting to sound too much like a Poli Sci class), we move along to a shady sidewalk haven, where two young guys wearing friendship bracelets in the colors of the Armenian flag – red, blue and orange – sit around fiddling with a video cam- era. Alice mentions something about sticking out in the crowd. She has a point. In a crowd of dark-haired, olive-skinned Armenians, Alice is easy to spot, mostly because her hair is so blonde that it looks like real butter and her accent is as Southern as bluegrass. Here in Los Angeles, one does not encounter many Armenians with naturally blonde hair and Southern accents. Alice wonders if people find it odd that someone who is not Armenian had joined the march. “Why is that odd?” I ask. “More odars [non- Armenians], should march. It shows solidarity.” Alice says something else and I offer to ask the guys next to us for an opinion. She giggles. “Hey, do you think it’s weird to see an odar at the march?” Armenian relief poster, by Douglas Volk, 1918
“Nah, dude,” answers one. “It’s way cool.” tall, reaching to about chin-level, and so top- onto the windows. Others have gone a step fur- LIZ O I give Alice the see-I-told-you nudge and the heavy that as we begin to walk, I fear that the ther, painting the slogan on doors and adding guys start talking to us about Genocide, the gusts of hot, dry wind gradually growing in red, blue and orange pinstripes and trims for the march, and how Alice and I really need to see strength and speed, will knock the signs back rims. An elderly woman sticks her head out of Armenia. and clobber the kids behind us. the passenger window of one car. With her hair It looks as though the demonstration is about On the wide expanse of boulevard next to us, pulled tightly into a bun and her face revealing to begin, so Alice and I get up and walk over to a line of cars moves steadily, as though it is the weathered appearance of a long, hard life, a van where we can grab protest signs. We dig Saturday night on the Sunset Strip and cruising Alice and I think that she must have been in through a deep crate of signs, trying to choose is still legal. The motorcade follows a pattern of Turkey at the time of the Genocide, although she the slogan that best fits what we want to say. circling the blocks, with each driver’s heavy may be too young to remember. She smiles wide Alice finds one with Hitler’s famed quote, “Who hand firmly implanted on the horn while passing and waves the flag out of the window as the line now remembers the Armenians?” his justifica- the protesters every ten minutes. Ranging from of cars continues its procession. tion of the Holocaust and one of many pieces of Hondas to Mercedes, the cars glide down the With each passing minute, the crowd grows evidence that helps prove that the Genocide did street as a symbol of survival and remembrance. in size until it eventually reaches 5,000 protest- happen. I choose a sign that reads, “Denial is the Armenian flags hang from hoods and out of win- ers. Bikers march alongside church ladies and greatest crime against humanity.” The signs are dows. Some have soaped “1915 Never Forget” high school boys in System of 5 Down t-shirts march with college girls in stilet- enveloped in a fragrance distinctly French. She statements about the Genocide with the word to heels. The path we follow extends in quarter- seems a bit overdressed for a protest in her silk “alleged,” where people make flippant remarks block increments upon the nod of approval from blouse and ladylike heels, but then again, many about there being too many Armenians in the the LAPD, who stand on the sidelines with arms of the elders in attendance are attired more for city, not realizing that you are one of them, it’s crossed over chests as though they are fairly church than a three-hour march in 100-degree nice to see someone who was not born into this certain that nothing out-of-the-ordinary will weather. culture embrace it so fully. happen here. The volume of the crowd As I drive back to the San Fernando increases drastically, like at an Armenian Valley through winding freeway pat- wedding, where the words and phrases terns, I think about the Genocide. I do begin to overlap and each speaker pushes not remember when or where I first the vocal chords louder, trying to be heard about it. My guess is that the heard. The end result is something of a subject probably came up while cacophony of voices. quizzing my family on our roots for a “Turkey run! Turkey hide! Turkey’s social studies project. I think about the guilty of Genocide!” images that popped into my head once “Shame on Turkey!” I was old enough to read my mother’s “Eastern Turkey is Western Armenia!” ragged copy of Franz Werfel’s Forty We are no longer moving in a single- Days of Musagh Dagh, how the vio- file fashion. Friends are trying to keep lence was so gruesome that I could not track of each other. I am trying to find even grasp it. Even now, at the age of Alice. Grandmothers are trying to keep up twenty-seven, I cannot comprehend with families. Parents are trying to grab Genocide. I can tell you about earth- the hands of small children. One pigtailed quakes, wildfires, riots – the sorts of girl, no more than five, skips far ahead of disasters that are at home in Los her parents, rubbing her index fingers Angeles, but pale in comparison to the together as if they are sticks and she is world outside our borders – but I can- trying to start a fire as she screams not explain Genocide. I cannot explain “Shame on Turkey” louder than anyone how it happens or why it happens and else. Hers is the only voice that is distinct I cannot describe what it is like. After and it looks as though her parents are try- all, I was not there. ing to catch up with her. I am reminded of Sometimes I try to understand what my own childhood, of being dragged to happened to my great-grandparents by Armenian functions and trying to run putting it into the context of my home- through tightly packed crowds as my dad town. I try to imagine if something like yelled, “Lizzie, get back her. Grab my this could happen in Los Angeles – cit- tatig (hand).” izens brutalized by an army paid for As Alice and I catch up with each with our taxes. Able-bodied men and other, we realize that we have been intellectuals are round up under the stomping feet and hollering for nearly two guise of a draft only to be slaughtered hours. We decide that when we can actu- on the outskirts of town – their bodies ally maneuver our way out of the crowd, dumped in shallow graves along the we will find a place to sit. In the mean- dark canyon roads that connect the time, however, we are resigned to emit- series of valleys that make up our city. ting hoarse yelps as our picket signs When this is done, they move from knock branches off of nearly every tree From the U.S. National Archives and Records Administration neighborhood to neighborhood, col- we pass. lecting women and children, telling When we finally sit down on a bed of newly “I just want to thank you for supporting our them to leave behind possessions before send- watered grass, we realize that we might not people,” she says in the thickly-accented, low ing them out towards the Mojave. The young actually be able to stand up again. We prop up pitched voice of someone who grew up speak- and the pretty are kidnapped and sold to the our signs, lean back and just watch. The chant ing one of the world’s most guttural languages. highest bidder, the others slowly follow desert leader in front of us is a portrait of rage. He is a Alice beams. “That’s okay,” she drawls. “I roads for weeks, forced to scavenge for food tall, skinny guy in his late-teens or early-twen- have a lot of Armenian friends, so it means a lot like wild dogs as bodies drop like possum. ties with short, curly hair and eyebrows lacking to me.” She pats me on the head. “Here’s one of Family will perish, as will friends, and if, by anything resembling an arch. Despite his height, my Armenian friends now.” chance one does survive, it is with nothing more he stands on his toes and cranes his neck as his Slowly, the group disassembles on Wilshire than what remains of the clothes on one’s back fist thrusts into the air. His cries are so intense and reconvenes in front of the Consulate and memories that a lifetime cannot erase. that we can see his arms tense. His jaw contorts entrance on June Street, where an AYF leader Even now, with the specter of 9/11 looming into a position that is simultaneously dropped rallies the crowd from on top of a van with above us, it does not seem possible. Not here at and clench. His eyes narrow to a point where it chants of “Baikar, baikar, meechev hakhtanag.” least. However, Genocide lies in wait at the cor- seems as though they have simply disappeared (Roughly translated to “Struggle, struggle until ners of the world, hidden behind war and civil between the furrowed brow and crinkled nose. we succeed.”) He praises Canada for joining the unrest. Just as the Armenian Genocide has been It is the sort of face and posture that does not list of nations that have acknowledged the carefully tucked away between the assassina- belong here, in Los Angeles, where suburban Genocide and shows his dismay with our own tion of Franz Ferdinand and the Treaty of kids leading relatively comfortable lives are country for, once again, offering vague regards Versailles, so will other governments use war as
LIZ O demonstrating to right an age-old wrong. It is of sympathy without ever mentioning the word a convenient cover-up for ethnic cleansing. the face of some other place and some other Genocide. The protesters join in a rendition of I do not care about reparations. Nor do I long time, of some sort of injustice and pain so great Armenia’s national anthem, a song that Alice for a return of the land that was once my ances- it just is not in our experience. His is the face and I can neither sing nor translate. We stand tors, but is not my own. My home, my New that belongs on the front page of the Los mute. Armenia, is Los Angeles and, while we may Angeles Times, in an attempt to again sweep the As the crowd disperses and we walk back to never get that simple “We know what happened Pulitzers. my car, Alice mentions the auburn-haired lady. and we are sorry” from the Turkish government, I stretch out as Alice slowly started to rise to The story comes up again several times as we at least by marching, I can help our neighbors in her feet. An older woman taps her on the shoul- drive into Hollywood, get some dinner and head this city understand our culture and history. der and I, too, stand. The woman is at least home. She is proud of herself, and I am proud of sixty, auburn-haired and her as well. In a city where reporters qualify –Liz Ohanesian 6
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CORE VALUES slaves to wage war and England conscripted prison guards at Abu Ghraib had not been so convicts to man Her Majesty’s ships. It is sim- poorly supervised, the atrocities might never While the U.S. Army continues to go ply how it is done. have happened. This explanation keeps the about the work of determining how far human So I am more than a little chagrined by the notion alive that these abuses were exception- rights violations go in the Abu Ghraib prison- Senate’s Armed Service Committee’s obses- al, like a hazing ritual gone too far, a party that er abuse scandal – both up the chain of com- sion with the Geneva Convention as a teach- got out of hand. This, of course, is a lie. mand and laterally to other prisons and deten- ing tool. At a time when testimony about What we are dealing with is a crisis of tion centers in Iraq as well as in other theaters romper room style interrogations and after leadership. The Army’s expertise isn’t killing, of operations – the administration assures us hours prison porno dominates the headlines, but supervision. Human beings do not require the actions are largely the result of bad apples. inquiries into when and where the soldiers training to kill; they require training to kill But as every veteran knows, the thing about were briefed on the articles and annexes of the conditionally and on command (and then to bad apples is every bushel has one. Fourth Geneva Convention seems more than a stop and put their weapons away). An unsu- I met my first bad apple five seconds after little out of touch. What is more troubling to pervised army isn’t an army, but the cast of a my arrival the In-Processing Center at the me is the pervasive belief, both in the admin- Mad Max movie. Operations go badly, things United States Navy Recruit Training istration and in our armed forces, that because go wrong, but the Army is very, very good at Command at Great Lakes, Illinois. I’ll never we are dealing with a different kind of enemy, training, supervision, and oversight – all of forget him. He was a beady-eyed brute who they deserve a different kind of punishment – which was missing from Abu Ghraib. wore a black turtleneck and a cop’s mustache even if it violates their human rights. Clearly, the prison was not staffed with – a Cpl. Graner look-alike. He didn’t display To understand why this belief is so com- the kind of seasoned Army professionals any insignia or a nametag, and as the son of a monplace, one need look no further than the capable of running the prison the way it ought naval officer, this made me more than a little core values that are drilled into every Army to have been run. It was run by reservists who nervous. I don’t want to write the words he recruit throughout basic training. There are were so uncertain of their place in the chain- used to dress me down that chilly October seven of them: loyalty, duty, respect, selfless of-command that military intelligence person- evening in 1986, but suffice to say they service, honesty, integrity, and personal nel and contract employees could manipulate included derogatory slang for homosexuals, courage. Taken together, the first letters form them without much difficulty. It now appears euphemisms for the female anatomy, and a crude acronym for “leadership.” Cute, until that these individuals bypassed and/or ignored unwarranted characterization of my girlfriend you get to the dangerously vague definition the chain-of-command and encouraged unsu- as un-handsome female dog. for “respect,” which reads: “to treat people as pervised guards to participate in the torture of The second was my Company they should be treated.” Iraqi citizens. Army officials have testified Commander, the Navy’s version of a drill The problem with this definition is that that the prison guards behaved atrociously. At sergeant, a racist alcoholic who would show invites interpretation. It may make sense in the other end of the chain-of-command, the up at our barracks late at night, put us in for- the classroom as a ideal akin to the Golden President told Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld mation, and dance around with a boom box on Rule, but in places where soldiers are tasked he performed superbly. What this scandal is his shoulder. When Janet Jackson asked us with keeping order, fighting an insurgency, really about then is not the abuse of prisoners, what we’d done for her lately, he’d confront and combating terrorism, the definition begs but the abuse of power. the African Americans in our company and the questions: How should a terrorist be treat- Of all the abuses I voluntarily endured ask them if they “liked that black bitch.” ed? How should an extremist insurgent be while I was in the Navy, those first five sec- A third encounter with a bad actor was treated? (Which leads us to the still thornier onds off the bus are the most memorable. To perpetrated by my supervisor in the galley, a problem of the treatment of those who sympa- be honest, I was almost grateful when the man government contract employee (read: cook) thize with them, their families, etc). One started shouting at me, because it broke the who invited me to engage in carnal relations could make the argument that the members of tension, the awful anxious hours of wondering with a roast beef. When I declined the offer, the military police who perpetrated grave what boot camp was going to be like. Dealing he tried to coerce me by insinuating my rea- atrocities on Iraqi detainees at Abu Ghraib, with the bad was better than waiting for it to son for abstaining must have something to do the majority of whom were civilians and may happen. I was not so naïve as to expect that I with my sexual preference. According to his not have been guilty of anything more serious wouldn’t be screamed at and insulted. I was perverted logic, anyone who wouldn’t have than being angry with Americans, were sim- the son of a naval officer, after all. I suppose I sexual intercourse with a cow carcass must be ply treating these people the way they felt thought it was inevitable. gay. they should be treated. The Army’s definition After eight weeks of boot camp, while I could go on – I’m only up to week four of respect has been perverted. most of my shipmates went on to one school of my two-year hitch, and I haven’t addressed or another, I stuck around Great Lakes for a any of the hazing, physical assaults, and vigi- * * * month of apprenticeship training. Toward the lante-style retribution that I, um, “witnessed” end of my stint, I bumped into someone I – but I would be belaboring the point. In a When I first heard of the atrocities of Abu knew in the mess hall. He had been temporar- Ghraib, I thought of that nightmarish scene in ily assigned to the In-Processing Center while
JIM RULAND harsh, hostile environment like the military, a few bad apples don’t just slip into the mix, Apocalypse Now where Martin Sheen, he of he waited for a spot to open up at his next bil- they are a big slice of the pie, and they repre- the presidential mien, disembarks his boat at let. He invited me down to the center that sent a substantial part of the orchard from Lo Dung Bridge. When he asks a stoned night to “mess around” with the new arrivals. which the armed services actively recruit. It solider “Who’s in charge here?” he gets The novelty of being one of the first people has been this way since Romans enlisted their “Ain’t you?” for an answer. There is comfort these recruits would meet was too rich to pass in this scenario, because it suggests that if the up, so I went. These were my instructions, my training, recruit drink cup after cup of water because were processed. Perhaps first impressions did if you will: he’d been unable to provide a urine sample, count for something. The Navy changed vir- “You can do anything you want to them.” most likely because he was scared out of his tually everything about the recruit training “Anything?” mind. I sat him down at a desk and told him to experience, from its motto, to the profession- “Anything. Just don’t touch them.” put his head down for a few minutes. alism of those charged with training recruits. I discovered very quickly that I lacked the Whenever one of the screamers came over to They figured, quite correctly, that when you despot gene that makes screaming at strangers threaten him with some form of exquisite tor- improve the quality of training, supervision for no good reason an entertaining way to ture, I angrily chased him off. I was deter- and oversight, you improve the sailor. As a spend the evening. It slowly started to dawn mined to make a favorable impression on this result, the abuse I encountered when I was in on me that the man who’d made such a strong recruit, to dispense some measure of kind- boot camp is far less likely to occur today. impression on me when I first stepped off the ness, to let him know not everyone in the Mr. Bush, Mr. Rumsfeld and the rest of
Illustration by: Chris Larsen, [email protected]; www.thefing.com I DISCOVERED VERY QUICKLY THAT I LACKED THE DESPOT GENE THAT MAKES SCREAMING AT STRANGERS FOR NO GOOD REASON AN ENTERTAINING WAY TO SPEND THE EVENING. bus hadn’t been an officer or a Company Navy was as interested in tearing off heads their swaggering fellowship are right: a few Commander or anyone with any kind of legit- and defecating down windpipes as my cohorts bad apples can besmirch the reputations of imate authority, but a cretin who got his rocks professed to be. many, and we need look no farther than the off hurling insults at people who couldn’t hurl Maybe the Senate’s Armed Services White House to find the source of the rot. But them back. My first impression of the organi- Committee is on to something. Perhaps the if the U.S. Army is truly committed to weed- JIM RULAND zation I’d signed away six years of my life to values the Army is asking the defenders of our ing out the bad apples, and I believe they are, (two years of active duty, four years of active country to embrace are worth another look. they must revisit their core values. The things reserve) was defined by someone with anger Revisiting and, if necessary, rewriting the we ask our soldiers to do are more complicat- issues who’d probably been in the Navy less core values of the world’s best-trained fight- ed than ever before; the attributes we demand than 100 days. It was ritualized verbal abuse, ing force does not seem like such a bad idea of every man and woman who puts on the uni- plain and simple, left in the hands of an unsu- when the perception around the world is that form cannot and should not be simplified to pervised individual whose sole qualification it has none. fit an easy-to-remember acronym that looks for the job was the strength of his desire to do This type of revision has been done good on a training aid or a barracks wall. The unto others as others had done unto him. I before, and with great success. In 1993, the values we instill must reflect the behavior we wanted nothing to do with this, but found it U.S. Navy re-evaluated the way they trained expect. Nothing less than the character of our impossible to walk away. its sailors. Perhaps fear and loathing were not country and the safety of our troops depend Some poor kid was getting a double dose the best emotions to be associated with one’s on it. of verbal abuse because he’d puked on the Company Commander. Maybe they should deck. Two sailors were making the sick pay closer attention to the way new recruits –Jim Ruland 9 DYY DDD AA WHHEENN IIDDLLEE MM SSHHIIFFTTLLEESSSS W
I sat in an office chair, completely naked, popping Vicodin, and fielding requests for Hmong interpreters! Not punk! ttention Razorcake readers! public! Bush wouldn’t stand a By the time you read this, chance! Sadly, my plans were AAI’ll probably have been thwarted. struck by lightning, attacked by However, at the time, I thought killer bees (or, as the American nothing of it, figuring that this was media likes to call them just a freak occurrence. I filed the “Africanized bees”! Oh the horror necessary police paperwork and of TWCFA [That Which Comes purchased a sub-par replacement. From Africa]!), or had my collec- Little did I know that it was just the tion of cereal-themed merchandise opening salvo in a long line of set on fire, Lucky Charms bobble- abuses, akin to when a computer head and all! hacker releases a crappy virus, only Why am I anticipating such dis- to unleash the real one later, after aster? It’s simple! There is a pox on proper testing. Why am I making my house, a curse on my being. hacker references? I don’t know! Someone, somewhere, in a dark Second! So, several weeks corner has somehow created a later, I moved from Brooklyn back Maddy voodoo doll (complete with to the Midwest. Normally, this Rip Offs shirt, tight pants, and pink would be a cause for great rejoic- Converse shoes, and clutching a ing, as I am welcomed home by all copy of Trotsky’s My Life! Oh, the my old friends, complete with horrible ACCURACY of it all!), drunken partying and Black Flag and they have been repeatedly tor- dance parties. The problem? Mere turing this doll for the last five days after arriving home, I started months. to develop a strange pain in my If you are, by chance, the per- lower back. Then, a day later, the son holding this doll, I beg of thee, pain became sharp, horrible, and
MADDY STOP! We can negotiate! I have a completely beyond anything I had number of rare early ‘80s hardcore experienced before. By the time I records to appease your blood lust! went to the doctor, I was almost If you are not the torturer in unable to walk. The diagnosis? question, then read below to hear a Shingles! monstrous tale of consecutive For those of you not in The woes! And, if you have any prob- Know, shingles is what you get lems of your own you’ve been when the chicken pox virus re-acti- meaning to get rid of, just send ‘em vates itself, from deep in your ner- my way. I’ve got so many others, I vous system. The virus then works won’t even notice! Address your its way to the surface, damaging head wounds, allergic reactions to your nerves along the way, and poison ivy, and unemployment to causing a pain that I can only me, c/o Razorcake! describe as CFA (Completely Now, time for the tales! Fucking Awful!). If anything First! As I probably previously touched the area, it would result in mentioned in an issue of Razorcake, a searing rush of pain not even Sour my apartment in Brooklyn was bro- Patch Kids or repeated Bananas-lis- ken into while I was gone over tening could alleviate. So, in the Christmas, and the most expensive cruelest rub of all, I could not wear item I own was stolen – my laptop pants, or even underwear, for a computer – taken, no doubt, by week! some devious French labor histori- At the time, I was running the an, who found my paper detailing family business (a foreign language the motivations behind the June interpretation service with head- 1936 general strike dangerously quarters in my mom’s basement) by revolutionary – not to mention my myself, while my sister and mom account of the development of were in southern France. So, while Communist cells in the Parisian they explored ancient Roman ruins, metal-workers’ union! If only I I sat in an office chair, completely could have delivered this informa- naked, popping Vicodin, and field- 10 tion to the American ing requests for Hmong inter- preters! Not punk! al shows, the extra time was spent Third! At this point, I acknowl- in Chattanooga, Tennessee, one of edged that I was clearly on a down- the coolest places I’ve ever been. I ward spiral, not least because, due don’t say this lightly, but I think to shingles, I was unable to execute their punk scene might even rival my plan to stave off destitution. In Milwaukee’s. Insane! So many short, I was in no condition to great punk houses with huge porch- apply for a temp job! So, instead, I es, tucked into the sides of hills! So spent my days watching E! specials many fun and crazy punks! So about how J. Lo spends her money many late night drunken hijinks! and my nights, uh, watching E! So, I was feeling good (read: specials about how J. Lo spends her hung over) when the van rolled into money. And, slowly but surely, Brooklyn – my most anticipated approached the most punk rock stop of the tour. I’d get to see my state of all: bankruptcy. (Note: this boyfriend for the first time since I problem would only get worse. moved, plus friends, plus good Read on!) food! Yes! So, I spent the afternoon Fourth! Despite all of these walking around Manhattan, buying various woes, I thought that, at weird Japanese toys, eating pizza, least by the summer, all would be and feeling nostalgic. Then we go well. I had applied to be a program to the show in a basement in coordinator for a group of students Brooklyn. Two of my friends show going to Rostov – a huge industrial up, and, after saying hi, I decided to city in southern Russia. I had mul- start fulfilling my duties as a road- tiple assurances that this job was ie, and start lugging a PA down basically mine – none of the other some of the steepest and most ill- applicants spoke any Russian or conceived stairs in the history of even read Syrillic. So, while pass- human descent. When I get to the ing out from painkillers, I thought last step of my basement journey, I about how, in a few months, I’d be pause and say to my friend Matt, exploring a crazy run-down indus- “These stairs mean certain death.” trial wasteland. And then, I got the And then, about three seconds later, call. Rejection! Due to extreme I fell. dingosity (a term in common use in As soon as my ankle hit the the Milwaukee punk scene, as ground, I knew something was noted by William Safire), too bor- wrong. After a few seconds, it start- ing and bureaucratic to mention, I ed swelling up, and I began to real- would not be going after all. And, ize that one of the worst places to in the cruelest rub, the person who sustain an injury is in a punk base- work – again. Growing up in a fam- get my pizza, I took one look at it was selected didn’t even know ment. I declined several methods of ily that was often broke and and realized, “This is not the square where Rostov was! Argh! treatment (from whiskey to un- stressed about money, I have never pizza.” I asked the girl working the MADDY Fifth! Okay, so I wouldn’t be identified painkillers) from well- been one of those punks who glori- counter and she informed me, “We going to Russia, I couldn’t wear meaning punks, and was carried fies poverty. In fact, I try really don’t make the square pizza the pants, and I lost all my graduate out of the basement a few minutes hard to avoid it. So, being stuck same way anymore. We decided to work in French labor history. Fine. later, to get into a car and drive to with all this debt, with about five change it a few weeks ago because I would emerge victorious! I would the emergency room. The problem? dollars to my name, may be punk, it was too thick.” No! The final rub! devise another plan! I decided to go As soon as I made it upstairs, but it also stinks! My only hope left – to nurse myself to the Z Media Institute in June. Critical Mass arrived, blocking Eighth! So, after accumulating back to physical and mental well- (The Institute is an intense journal- traffic for blocks! After some initial seven woes, I was in serious need being through the consumption of ism boot camp, including visits communication problems, the sea of stress relief. Normally, when I’m pizza – foiled! from Noam Chomsky and lots of of bikers parted, and I made my stressed, I go for a walk or a bike At that moment I began to revolutionary drunkenness after way to the hospital. ride. But, with my sprained ankle, understand better the mentality of hours!) I completed the application, Fourteen hundred dollars later, all I could do was… watch more those random people who, after a sent it in, and then, several weeks I had an ace bandage, an air cast, TV! I now know all about the top long series of humiliations, have later, receive an email telling me crutches, and the knowledge that I 100 celebrity makeovers and the one, seemingly minor thing go that the program has been cancelled had sprained my ankle. (A later fol- struggle to raise quintuplets. Brain wrong, and then…they open fire on for this year. Strike five! low-up visit revealed that I had death! the innocent Burger King employ- Sixth! A week later, I left to go completely torn two major liga- Ninth! Just when it couldn’t get ee. Under the circumstances, this on tour as a roadie with ments. Expected recovery time? any worse, my boyfriend and I seemed like a perfectly reasonable Milwaukee’s finest, the Modern Six months!) But punk tours don’t broke up. I won’t get into all the response. Luckily, I am a.) a total Machines (Note: one of the greatest get shut down by the inability of details here, lest I creep myself out wuss and b.) do not own a gun. And bands currently in existence. the roadie to walk, and so, the next by becoming one of those way-too- so, the Pizza Shuttle employee Husker-Du influenced punk! When day, I was in the van, headed to the personal zinesters. Let’s just say lives for another day. their record comes out on Recess in final show in Columbus, Ohio, that I found myself listening to the As of press-time, I have suf- a few months, expect a Lucky with my ankle propped up in the Pegboy song “Strong Reaction” fered no additional woes for the last Charms comparison from yours van. When we got to Columbus, I over and over, turning myself into two weeks. However, I have no truly!) Finally, I thought, all the decided to just stay in the van. We even more of a depressed freak. illusions that the curse has been problems of the past three months drove home after the show that Tenth! The only comfort I had lifted! Who knows? Maybe next would be cured by lots of driving night, and, by the time we reached left was my favorite food item in time around, you’ll be reading and even more drinking. Salvation Milwaukee, I had been in the van the world – the square pizza, as about how I have requested admit- through punk rock! Yes! for about twenty-four hours served at the Pizza Shuttle in tance to an Amish community in At first, everything seemed to straight. Milwaukee. So, I ventured there, central Pennsylvania, where I have be going well. Although clearly my Seventh! When I returned armed with my last few dollars, in found solace churning butter curse had rubbed off on the band, home, not only did I have medical hopes of thick crust salvation. And and wearing bonnets. Fuck leading to the cancellation of sever- bills of $1400, I was also unable to then, the unthinkable happened. punk rock! I’m going Amish! When I went up to the counter to –Maddy 11 BB RR IOO ø NN .. OI RBB EVV LLOOVVEE,, NNOR RRE
THIS IS THE EXACT TYPE OF TRIAL BY FIRE... THAT RAZORCAKE AUDIENCES GO TRADITIONALLY GA-GGA FOR! REVEREND NØRB, THE LITTLE LAZY FUCKER THAT COULD!!!
PUNK ROCK AND THE EXISTENTIAL MAKE-OOUT DILEMMA ...advice dutifully dispensed, let’s move on to the Existential Make-Out Dilemma aspect of things (however, let the record show that my original ... but first, this cursory dip into Rev. Nørb’s Advice Column Mailbag, so plans for this column were to write about me running a marathon. Now, i that another Solitary Seeker of Sanguine Sageliness be Serviced Swiftly know what you’re saying: “Gosh, Rev. Nørb, not that you running a and Successfully: marathon is a completely far-fetched concept, but... well... you running a marathon is a completely far-fetched concept! What gives?” – and, in this, Hi Nørb, you are not far from the mark: Running 26.2 miles would be running exactly 25.95 miles more than the furthest distance i’ve ever run in my life Glad to see that you will be back to doing your advice column next month. [i mean, run in one fell swoop – if you took all the distance i’ve ever run Because I need some advice; actually, it’s more of a question in three in my life, and laid it cumulatively end to end, i’m sure 26.2 miles would parts. be only 23 or 24 miles longer than that]. I max out at about three blocks, and, though i am admittedly not built for comfort, i’m not so much Built Part 1: For Speed [yes, Stray Cats reference] as i am Built To Go A Long Way If How bad do you think the Packers will be beaten by the Browns when they Shot Out Of A Cannon. In point of fact, i will go so far as to say that i play them in 2005? Do you think it will be like forty-none to nothing, or fucking HATE running. I LOATHE it. I DESPISE it. It makes me wheeze more like seven hundred to nothing? and my shins hurt and my feet sweaty and my ass all slimy and itchy. Curiously, however, i really like walking. It’s one of those archaic pas- Part 2: times, like reading, that, on the one hand, should never have gotten as When the Browns destroy the untalented group of rejects that are known close to the point of being parked permanently in the Junkyard Of Man’s as the “Green Bay Packers,” do you think Bret Farvrererererr will start Obsolete Activities as it’s gotten, but, then again, is unrepentantly fair crying like a 6-year-old girl who lost her lollipop? game for being swept forevermore into the Dustbin of History [yes, MTX reference] just ‘cause it takes so fuckin’ long to do. So, anyway, i read Part 3: somewhere [some real reputable source... like the msn.com home page or Will the inevitable defeat create a rippling effect of mass embarrassment something] that one of the things everyone should do before they turn 40 that extends from Lambeau field outward until the entire state of is to run a marathon [or similarly-taxing alternate activity like climbing a Wisconsin secedes from the Union to form a independent republic called mountain or something {me, i stick with “marathon” – people built like “New France”? inverted thermometer bulbs are generally best advised to give wide berth to activities where falling down = death}]. And, inasmuch as i could prob- Would like to hear your response at your earliest convenience. ably live a relatively satisfactory life without having ever run more than 0.25 miles at a crack [and also inasmuch as the only reason i read the story Regards, was because i thought they might hip me to some wacky sex shit i need to Scott O’Brien try whilst i still got the horsepower nested within my geekly loins], the [email protected] reason given – “you better do it once before your body turns into a useless I pile of connective tissue and seawater” – actually kind of makes sense, in
N0RB Dear Scott: kind of a weird way: If i ever wanna know what running a marathon is To answer your tri-partite question, 1) No, in today’s modern times, i don’t like, i better do it soon [possibly before i’m old enough to know better]. . think you revealing your crush on the boy who sits in front of you in math And besides, giving head to a dromedary while i shoot needle drugs with class was “completely idiotic” of you. However, for future reference, it is a pair of underage Pakistani male prostitutes can probably wait ‘til i’m
REV generally held that there is a time and place for such disclosures; “in the nearing my fifties – or, at the very least, until a year or so after the trepa- shower after gym class” is roundly considered a poor location for such nation i have tentatively scheduled for 2006. SO ANYWAY! About a events. Further, you prefacing your declaration of unbridled love for him month ago, i decide i’m gonna “run” in the Green Bay Marathon. Except by commenting that it was “tight” that he had a “big one” was a question- i’m not gonna run. I’m gonna walk. Maybe i’ll run like the first block, just able decision at best. 2) It’s really impossible for me to say whether him so’s i can say “yeah, i kinda ran some and walked some.” I’ll bring along having a “big one” precludes him from being into guys with “the little boy my little voice recorder thingie, keep a log of whatever almost-surely look” or not. You’ll really never know until you ask him! In this case, the increasingly delusional ideas i get during the race, transcribe same, and locker room shower is actually a very practical forum for your conversa- pass that off as this month’s column. I mean, it might be cool: I might hal- tion on the matter; he, as you mentioned, might very well wish to lucinate and stuff, like when Homer ate the chili peppers! Besides, what “inspect” the “goods” a bit more closely before rendering a final verdict. the fuck else am i gonna write about? Punk Rock and the Existential And, finally, 3) your school is no more apt to host a mock “gay marriage” Make-Out Dilemma? This is the exact type of Trial By Fire [yes, Trial By ceremony for you and the object of your desires than it would be to hold Fire reference]/true-character-revealing “Journey of Discovery” that a similar ceremony for a boy-girl couple. Don’t rush things! Play the field Razorcake audiences go traditionally ga-ga for! REVEREND NØRB, THE a bit. He probably doesn’t have the only “big one” in that locker room! LITTLE LAZY FUCKER THAT COULD!!! I go to the marathon’s web- Good luck and God bless! P.S. The “soap thing” might not have worked site. It costs sixty dollars to register. My ever-so-promising career as an that day simply because he was under the impression that you were real- Olympic cross-country gold medallist dies a-borning! SIXTY BUCKS??? ly looking for the soap. Try it again next Tuesday and see what happens! For fucking WHAT??? For some dork to stand at the finish line with a stopwatch while i come straggling in behind the guys with the wheelchairs Løve, and artificial hips??? For somebody with a bad haircut to hand me a cup Nørb of water as i plod gamely forward??? For a t-shirt that i’ll be able to buy for two bucks at Goodwill™ next year??? Listen, Mac, for sixty clams i again. I set my alarm for 7 AM. I’ll have this fucker run by 4 PM! Then better get 26.2 miles of OPEN FUCKING BAR!!! I want margaritas and i’ll sit on the couch and get drunk. Righteously. 7 AM Saturday morning pricey import beers slid down the bar [which will run, smoothly and with- rolls around. I roll out of bed. For about six seconds, the well, goddammit, out interruption, down the right-hand-side of the course, from starting line i’m really gonna do it light goes on in my brain. I stand up. The light tog- to finish line] at me as i pass!!! And i want fucking pretzels!!! Not that i gles off. Another, bigger, brighter, redder, more urgently stroboscopic think eating pretzels while running a marathon is a good idea, it’s just The light comes on in its place: It is the horrendous claxon of the universally Way Things Ought To Be™!!! In any event, there is, obviously, NO dreaded JAKE’S™ MORNING AFTER alarm. Now, as everybody knows FUCKING WAY i’m forking over a sextuple-sawbuck [i.e., a dodecahe- – or should – or, if not, should just shut the fuck up and take me at my dra-fin] to trudge agonizingly through the streets of Titletown™ when word on this, as i am Rev. Nørb™, and have i ever lied to you? – Jake’s i’ve grown so decadently used to a life of agonizing trudging, funded sole- Pizza is the best consumable foodstuff currently [and possibly ever] avail- ly by my property taxes... but yet... but yet... but yet, i remain curiously able to the human race. Bar none. Carpet it with a quarter-inch layer of drawn to the idea of painfully lumbering 26.2 miles on foot for no other deadly, butt-igniting crushed red peppers, some parmesan cheese, a dash reason than, seventeen-trillion years ago, some Roman soldier did it, o’ salt, a few liberal [not so much “bleeding heart” liberal as more like delivered the immortal message “Nike” [as i understand it, Latin for “vic- “bleeding rectum” liberal] spritzes of Tabasco™ sauce all washed down tory” or “shoe” or some such shit] [and, btw, thanks a LOT, pal – we’ll with delirious amounts of Pabst™ on tap, and you have got the meal that summon your dipshit centurion ass from the grave when Planet Earth i, were i a condemned man [and who’s to say i’m not?], would request for needs ANOTHER bright idea], and promptly keeled over dead immedi- my last meal [especially if i was on death row somewhere like Botswana, ately thereafter [struck down by the Ghost Of Chuck Taylor™ Future, one where the jailors’ procurement time of my trans-global death-vittles might can only hope]. I mean, hey, the only way i’m paying sixty clams to meet be so drawn out as to extend into a full regime change, and, by extension, my doom is if it involves needle drugs, boy prostitutes, and copious serv- full amnesty {even if they phoned the order in ahead of time, which i ings of thick, hot dromedary cock, ya know? And then it dawns on me: highly recommend, even if you’re not in imminent danger of being exe- Hey! I gotta stopwatch! [purchased, as one may or may not recall, specif- cuted ((see also: Lyrics to “West of the East,” Boris The Sprinkler, ically for Boris The Sprinkler’s Group Sex recording sessions, so that 1992))}]. That said, let the record show that Jake’s Pizza has certain post- quality control {i.e. performing the songs faster than the Circle Jerks did} consumer qualities that might best be labeled as, uh, shall we say “intesti- might be dutifully maintained] Further, i also live just down the street nally combustible.” You won’t be worried about “The Day After from the beginning of a nature trail with elapsed trail distance conve- Tomorrow” if you ate Jake’s last night – you’ll have a frickin’ force ten niently demarked in half-mile increments! Why, were i of a mind to, i disaster movie playing in your ass right then ‘n’ there TODAY. My second could just start my stopwatch, walk down the trail ‘til i hit the “13.0 mile” attempt at running a marathon is suspended in favor of sitting on the toi- marker and walk back, stop my stopwatch, and call it good! Or walk down let all morning: It ain’t my feet what’s gonna be doing the running today. the trail ‘til i hit the “6.5 mile” marker and walk back twice! Or, shit, just Belly Gunner to Bombardier! Fourteenth payload of anal napalm at the walk back and forth between the “START” and “0.5 mile” marker 26 ...HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MAKING OUT WITH SOMEONE (WAIT! STOP! times! I mean, i’ll have to bring my PENCILS IN THE TRAYS! THAT'S NOT THE WHOLE QUESTION!)... own margaritas and pretzels, but, i mean, for sixty bucks i can set myself up with some pretty good hors d’oeuvres for this thing! Hell, if i do this every week for a year, i’ll have saved up enough money for a widescreen plasma TV [less mar- garita expenditures]! I decide that my target date for DeathTrudge 2004™ will be the Saturday after the “real” marathon. Since the following Monday is Memorial Day, i will have a good long time to recuperate and soak my leprous feet that week- end. Friday night, however, i wind REV up working late. Having essentially forgotten to eat that day, i take myself out to Green Bay’s legendary .
Jake’s™ Pizza for a late-night meal, N0RB consuming several pints of Pabst™ I and an entire pepperoni, bacon and chicken pie in the process. Gotta stoke the boiler for tomorrow, ya know? I make myself one mix tape for my five-dollar Walkman™ [con- taining “Rock and Roll Guitar” by Johnny Knight, “Funny Things” by Firebeats, Inc., “You Stink” and “How Can I Meet Her” by two com- pletely different Someone- Someone-And-His-Somethings bands, and a bunch of other stuff that i forgot because i was drinking at the time] [and yes, that’s right – the plan was 26.2 miles, two feet, one cas- k sette. I figured countless repetitions c i
n of “You Stink” would advance my o
M delirium exponentially, thusly pro-
n voking even more out-there free- a D range brain ramblings from which to y derive my column]. By mere attri- b tion, i figure out how to get my stop- o t
o watch to reset to a bunch of 00’s h
p ready! It proceeds to rain outside for the rest of the weekend, paralleling despite the individuality of the individual and the uniqueness of the cir- the “Rainforest O’ Brimstone” conditions my toilet bowl is also under. cumstances involving the unfolding of the making out process, et al, that My journey of self-awareness and Trial By Pretzel – and, more to the the specific person you’re making out with might as well not be a specif- point, my column idea for this issue – are as dead as the nitwit who ran ic person at all (i say this implying no negative personal connotations on 26.2 miles to yell “Nike!” the first time. On the bright side, the margari- the part of any and all parties concerned), just as, say, when one eats lunch tas were pretty good, and my feet feel great!) (and, of course, at this point (no Dead Boys reference), one is indeed consuming a specific lunch at a in time, one might do well to ask the rather dodgy question of “Come specific time at a specific location, but also engaged in simply one par- now, Rev. Nørb! Surely you cannot expect us to believe that you pinned ticular instance of the ongoingly recurring Lunch Eating process? Like, if your entire hopes for this issue’s column on the – shall we say – ‘some- you’re eating lunch, you’re both eating lunch specifically (THAT partic- what unlikely’event that you actually competed in an [admittedly unsanc- ular Soft Taco Supreme™ minus tomatoes and THAT particular Bean tioned] marathon??? A marathon NOT involving Pinky and the Brain Burrito™ minus onions) and generically (merely your current episode of cartoons or something??? Surely you are a more of a natural-born bet- the daily lunch activity), the relevant corollary being that the specifics of hedger than that! We flatly refuse to believe you had such blind faith in what you’re having for lunch don’t matter a hell of a lot when you’re not your own [completely unproven] abilities to suddenly go staggering for actually eating that very lunch. I mean, neither the details of yesterday’s 26. 2 miles one May morning that you approached the problem without lunch (Yesterday’s Lunch... didn’t they have an album on Panic Button?) some manner of Plan B to fall back on in the [highly likely] event you nor those of The Lunch of Tomorrow (Welllcome... to the luuuunch... of
LUCKILY, BEING HORNY AND DRUNK, YOU ARE ABLE TO OVERCOME THIS WAVE OF EMPTINESS AND COSMIC INSIGNIFICANCE AND GET BACK TO BUSINESS IN JIG-TTIME!
failed to complete [or, in this case, even start] your tomorrrrrowwww!!!) has a vast amount of impact goal! Villain! Dissemble no more! Tear up the on the lunch of The Now (unless you ate at Jake’s, planks! It is the beating of his hideous heart!!! in which case there’s a certain window of influence WAIT!!! Wrong rant!!! Villain! Dissemble no more! that must be respected)... and i already forgot how Reveal to us the nature of your Plan B, and your i got to talking about food. I thought i was talkin’ reasons behind its non-utilization!!!” [actually, now about makin’ out with CHICKS, dude! Well, yeah, that i think about it, there’s already a flaw in my anyway, you’re makin’ out with someone, and all of structural logic, because why wouldn’t you think a sudden you just feel yourself broadsided by this that “Punk Rock and the Existential Make-Out huge existential void (Void reference) because you Dilemma” was my Plan B? Well, HA! You’re – for reasons quite unclear – stop perceiving your- wrong! It wasn’t! Plan B – for that teensy-tiny self as making out in the specific, and start thinking 0.0000000004% of a chance that i found myself about how you’re merely making out in the gener- unable {through no fault of my own, i can assure ic? That tonight’s making out – which you worked you!} to write about the hard-won life enhancement SO GOD DAMN HARD to achieve! – is merely and great personal discovery of running 26.2 miles another specific instance of an ongoingly generic on a whim – was to write about the various items o’ bric-a-brac on the activity? Another semi-random element of the Make-Out Partner variable shelf in my dinette {i think it’s called a “dinette.” It’s kinda like the space array somewhere between the Lower and Upper Bound? That’s tonight’s between my living room and my kitchen where my kitchen table is. I making out will be yesterday’s lunch if, God willing, you make out would rather call it the “perineum,” but i thought that might come off as Tomorrow or Tomorrow Night (Rev. Nørb reference! Booyah!)? And, too formal}. I know, i know – not exactly the most soul-baring, insight- therefore, the person you’re making out with, for all making-out related dispatching columnar topic conceivable, but, i dunno, i got like 999 45s intents and purposes, might as well be the first or the second or the eighth and Colonel Klink™ bobbleheads and shit up there, one would assume a or the forty-second person you made out with in your life, as opposed to column revolving around whimsical bric-a-brac anecdotes of that nature the forty-fourth? Or they might as well be the person you make out with could at least provoke mild distraction in our well-to-do readership. In on March 23rd, 2008? Or might as well be a hallucination? A dream? An I any event, Plan B was made all the more appealing to me owing to the android? A rather shapely mollusk? I mean, one can get this feeling of fact that my new computer is dutifully stationed on the kitchen table not pointless interchangeability with pretty much any repeated activity, but N0RB two feet from my ritzy bric-a-brac shelf – all i’d hafta do is just swivel experiencing it during really mundane shit like eating lunch doesn’t usu- . my head around {Linda Blair style or otherwise}, look at my various ally wield the same soul-squishing heft as it does when one experiences Items O’ Clutter, and type stuff about ‘em. Piece o’ cake! Especially if i it during non-mundane shit like making out. I mean, for cripes sakes, i’m don’t look at what i’m typing while i type it! Alas, Plan B was not to B: MAKING OUT here!!! A little fucking peace and quiet, wouldja??? REV In celebration of finally extricating myself from the commode Saturday You’re just minding your own business, going about your Sacred Duties afternoon, i used the occasion to completely and fatally mangle my com- of Tongue Wrestling and Space Groping, and, suddenly, BOP! You real- puter’s operating system, to the point where it won’t even let me reinstall ize that the identity of the person on the other end of your tongue is large- its operating software. Jolly good show, old bean! Needless to say, writ- ly – actually, pretty much totally – irrelevant (which is, i hasten to add, ing a column full of loving odes to the various mounds of shit piled up on not to imply that this person HAS no identity. It simply has become a one’s shelf at home loses a vast amount of its appeal when one attempts moot point whether they do or not) – and, instead of finding yourself to write said column at work {as is my plight}, so, you know, fuck it {i making out with That Specific Person With Whom You Are Making Out could, of course, fill up the rest of the column by describing the items that At That Time (i.e., a real person with a name and measurements and a fill up the walls of my room here at work... let’s see... photo of Christina phone number which you’re trying desperately to acquire), you find your- Applegate with pair of bare boobs pasted where her eyes should be; photo self making out with The Person With Whom You’re Making Out – mere- of stripper with big boobs i went on a date with about ten years ago, photo ly one of numerous (yeah baby!) manifestations of a single generic con- of stripper with even bigger boobs i have not gone on a date with, Loli & cept. Your activity is rendered devoid of all higher significance! THUS the Chones flyer... HEY!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! LOLI & THE CHONES DO YOU DESPAIR! Luckily, being horny and drunk, you are able to FLYER??! WHAT THE HELL is THAT DOING HERE??!}] So anyway, overcome this wave of emptiness and cosmic insignificance and get back FUCK IT! “Plan C” is in effect! Plan C is to write about how Plan A and to business in jig-time! Yet thou hast tasted – howe’er briefly – the Plan B fell through, then make something up off the top of my head at the metaphorical black sperm of the Existential Make-Out Dilemma’s last minute. Thus Punk Rock and The Existential Make-Out Dilemma. vengeance!!! (this has something to do with Plato, i think... as i recall, the Thank you). Well, anyway, have you ever been making out with someone old boy posited that in some otherworldly dimension, populated only by (wait! Stop! Pencils in the trays! That’s not the whole question!), and our thoughts [i can’t remember if said dimension was passed off as “heav- maybe you don’t know them very well, or maybe you’re both kinda en” or “the ether” or what – but, like everything else in this column, it’s loaded, or maybe, fuck, who knows what, and all of a sudden you’re hardly relevant], there existed the one true idealized concept of every- gripped with this intensely uncomfortable realization that the person thing in existence [“idealized” here not so much in the “one’s fantasy you’re making out with (in the specific) is actually always just The come true” sense, but more in the sense of how a truly and absolutely Person You’re Making Out With (in the generic), that is to say, that “perfect” circle only exists as an idea in our brains and math books, they 14 can’t be found in real life ‘cause they’re always a little bumpy and wob- Record, Everything Will Be OK, to have ten zillion punk records piled up bly or whatever], and all we encountered here on Mudball Earth was in a heap at home and to be standing at the record store looking for that rough approximations thereof. Like, somewhere in our thought-dimen- magical punk record #ten-zillion-and-one that’s really gonna do it this sion [or whatever he called it], there existed the perfect concept of “table” time –! – and then to suddenly suspect that, holy fuck – barring some – so every table we run into [literally or figuratively] on Earth is just a amazing statistical aberration right up there with the Virgin Birth and the rough take on the One True Perfect Ideal Table [explained the most Cubs winning the World Series, there IS no “right” record in EXIS- famous way, Plato say we be all chained up in a cave, with our backs to TENCE – there is no “right” record likely even POSSIBLE – why, ‘tis the light source, and the Higher Order Of Things {i.e., Tables of truly to stare into the bleak and untenable chaos of the eternal abyss!!! Perfection} carrying on behind our backs, so all we know of said Higher Dude! I mean, you can come out of the record store with a GOOD record Order Of Things is what we can glean from watching their shadows on the – you can still even occasionally come out of the record store with a wall in front of us. What this has to do with the Plato’s Retreat™ sex club GREAT record – but can you come out of the record store with a record i am quite unsure]. The Existential Make-Out Dilemma, then, is merely a that’s better than the best record you’ve ever heard in your life, bearing in continuance of the Plato’s Cave concept, but applied to the relatively mind that your top five of all time hasn’t changed whatsoever in 24 more weighty issue [meant strictly metaphorically, i assure you!] of make- years??? Suddenly, The Record You Bought Last Week (specifically) is out partners instead of mere idealized home furnishings!!! How ‘bout just the record you bought last week (latest in a long line) – the ten-zil- REV that?) However! The psychic and spiritual discomfort brought upon the lion-and-first imperfect shadow of Plato’s Perfect Punk Platter that some individual by the onset of the Existential Make-Out Dilemma is as creep keeps waving around behind your head in a cave somewhere. Well, NOTHING when compared to the unspeakable, formless horror that FUCK! That’s a hell of a thing! All of which (finally) brings us to this lit- .
occurs when those Platonic concepts – concepts which were only mildly tle kernel of joy, folks: N0RB disturbing when applied to idealized objects existing beyond our vale of I perception (and most of that stemming from the idea that we had to be THEOREM OF INESCAPABLE PUNK ROCK DOOM chained up in a cave with the guy in order to dig the gist of his pitch) – There is only one punk rock record, and you already own it*. concepts whose intense tongue-twizzling terrors were quickly dispelled by our pagan woody’s incessant calls to ACTION! – are applied to that last *presuming the existence of what mathematician Kurt Gödel called a bastion of meaning.... that last stanchion of hope... that Last Train To “sufficiently powerful formal system” in his famous Uncertainty Clarksville... (GASP!)... PUNK ROCK!!! I mean, i’ve got thousands of Theorem. In this case it basically means that the theorem does not apply fucking punk records. Maybe you do too. I’ve got thousands of fucking until your record collection has reached a certain (unspecified) critical punk records, and four of my top five of all time are still the first four i mass. ever bought: Ramones Leave Home, Ramones Rocket to Russia, Sex Pistols Never Mind the Bollocks, The Clash s/t (US) (with the free 45!). I ...well, that’s just about all the time i have for today, kids! If it’s any com- mean, what the fuck? Was i just lucky? In the right place at the right time? fort, i’m even more confused by all this than you are! I think i’m going to Or maybe i was just impressionable? Like an orphaned baby duck that go home, put on a few Ramones albums i got when i was fourteen, and winds up thinking he’s a raccoon because that was the first thing he saw? make out with a table! Or have all you other punk-record-making fuckers been asleep at the switch for the last twenty-odd years??? Discount (NO! NO DISCOUNT Get on the stick, you fuckers! REFERENCE!!!) my lunatic ravings at your own grave peril! For those of us who have bet a gargantuan stack of chips on the lifelong belief that Løve, If We Just Go To The Record Store And Come Out With The Right Nørb RR EE G RRG EE BB N RRN OO E MMYY HHOORRNN HH SSQQUUEEEEZZE Y RRY AA GG
There's so much you can seriously learn from Jews in spandex.
ook back, laugh, and have a beer! considered child-like, depending on who you should have realized that I should never use one igno- Wait, you’re 40! It seems that youth ask. Then I thought back to Tim’s party. rant sap as my group total. Yes, that also makes me L and punk are not one and the same There was Andy, who runs a record shop in look kinda dumb, but until any of you get your own L th anymore. Two weeks ago I attended the 40 Santa Ana, RD who is still drumming in a forum to write in, I’m still the guy who gets to take party of my friend Tim, who used to be the couple of bands, and several others that still credit for his own foibles. front man for Visual Discrimination, a band have a foot in hell and a hand reaching to Now, where was I? Oh yeah. At that party, even if who had one foot in O.C. and a leg in L.A. heaven. the tattoos were fading in color and becoming contort- and a small but loyal following. It’s hard to My whole reason for questioning any of ed from their original shape, by no means does this believe that twenty years later he has a cozy this is mainly because my faith in youth was mean that some old punker has sold out. It just means little place in Anaheim and two kids. He trad- crushed when one day at lunch with one of he’s got money to buy the better things in life – a little ed in the mic for cycles and jet skis, and still the eighteen-year-old, self-proclaimed “punk older a little wiser. I myself just hit thirty-nine. Few of catches foul balls of the side of his head rockers,” I jokingly said that my golden you were there to have a drink and help me celebrate while coaching little league. A week after the moment was being on stage with X, upon what’s left of my thirties (you know who you are). party, I was playing golf with Steve, who was which he replied, “Who’s that?” Could this Anyway, that’s more beer for me to consume. It was a guitarist in the same band. The funny thing be true? In a mere two decades, could all the good to see that even if there are more important things about golf is that it’s considered an old man’s bands that paved the way for our rebellious going on in our lives, we can still grab a little bit of the game by the young guys at work. youth been forgotten? Are the twenty-year- gold and rock and or roll. So I started thinking, “Did we sell our olds living in the “Me! Now!” world unwill- rock and roll souls for the riches and luxuries ing to give thought to the elder statesmen? HIGHWAY 13, #10
GARY HORNBERGER of the grown-ups?” Well, this is how I see it After all, even Mike Ness showers praise on $2.95 U.S., Les Mcclaine – I’m writing for this zine you’ve got the likes of Chuck Berry and Johnny Cash. I Way back when, I believe I reviewed Highway 13 and between your hands, which is primarily myself listen to Bill Haley, Louis Prima, and I loved it, so when I got issue #10, I figured I’d read it music-based and I review comics, which are Dean Martin, to list a few. Of course, I just for my own enjoyment. It turns out that there are only two more issues slated for release. That’s right. Twelve issues and Highway 13 is over. It seems, due to a decline in readers one of the greatest comics I’ve had the pleasure of reading since taking this job, is closing the doors. What the hell are you people reading? If you’re a fan of the old black and white horror classics, such as vampires, Frankenstein, and werewolves, then you should love this stuff. I know I’m not the only kid that grew up on Warner classics, Japanese monsters, or even Elvira’s crap. That’s what Highway 13 is. This comic is written so well that you sit outside your local comic shop on a daily basis waiting for the next issue. It’s written with a bucket of humor but it still has the right amount of adventure. It leaves you hanging at the right time. So, as I remember, the first issue I read had Rick Rodgers, his buddy, and werewolf in a race for souls – the ultimate pinkslip – with some hotrod ghoul. In this issue, our pair is up against this trippy cult in the first story and against a group of werewolves in the second. That’s right, two stories in one comic. Pretty cool, don’t ya think? Since I love this comic so much, I’m not about to give you anymore about the story line, but I’m going to encourage you to get off your ass and get a copy. Then, after you’re done, tell somebody to go get their own copy, so that maybe this wonderful comic won’t become unlucky thirteen. (SLG Publishing, PO Box 26427, San Jose, CA 95159-6427, or [email protected])
ZEEK the MARTIAN GEEK #6 $2.50 U.S., by Brian Cattapan Here we go. Zeek is meek. I’m not sure, but I just can’t find the fun in a snaggle-toothed Martian and a Venusian flower that love disco. Most of what we see in these pages are bad ‘70s musical references. I take 16 that back. There are some bad ‘80s references, too. Zeek dresses like Travolta one page, is in sweat suit and headband on another, and still on another page we find him in trucker hat and a “reality bites” shirt. Zeek has no shame, yet none of this do I find humorous. The problem with this comic is that it’s promoting half-baked com- mercialism. We’ve been seeing this so much that it becomes bland. It was a good attempt but it fell a little short for me. ([email protected])
PIRATE CLUB #1 $2.95 U.S., by Derek Hunter Who are the losers here? I’m not sure because every character has their own shortcomings. We start at the clubhouse where we’re introduced to the official mem- bers of the club: two guys, one who’s in charge, I think, and one who thinks he’s a bear. You tell me: are these guys cool? I find it hard to believe. Anyway, they go over to some old waste management worker’s house to listen to stories similar to Moby Dick. Yeah, it’s a bull- shit session. So this guy gives them a boat that they turn into a pirate ship with the help of two other idiots and an ironing board. That’s kinda funny. Here’s where I get weird. I like it. Yes, a group of angry kids who think they’re pirates is amusing, if not completely funny, to me. Check this one out. Maybe angry pirates will make you laugh, too. (SLG Publishing, www.pirateclub.com, or [email protected])
JEWISH HERO CORPS #1 $3.95 U.S., by Alan Oirich & Ron Randall I saw this on the shelf at the comic store and thought to myself, how in the hell are they gonna pull this humor off? That’s right. I did the quizzical dog right there in the store. I convinced myself that I had to see this to the end. I got home and started reading immediately then found out that this comic was not intended to make light, but to arcade game from the ‘80s, Space Ace. I RIVERWURST #4 inform. All anyone wants to know about the Jewish faith loved that game and I also liked Dragon’s $4.00 U.S., $6.00 Canada can be learned from Menorah Man, Dreidel Maidel, Lair. Anyway, the story line is pretty basic, Indie, indie, indie. What can I say bad about Minyan Man, Magen David, Kipa Kid, Shabbas Queen, just like I said before, but for some unknown this collection? Not one thing! This is one of and Matzah Woman. I’m not shitin ya. It’s all here and reason, the Mexican gangsters really do it the best and biggest collections of stories out in color. This book stops just short of making the bad for me. You know, all that stereotypical gun there. If there’s something you don’t like, guy Hitler. I’m still confused as to what is going on. Is play and verbiage. It’s all good. There’s not turn the page. You’ll soon get to something this funny or am I to take away from this comic a better a whole lot to report on this one, but I did you will like. This pulp is so pumped, it will understanding of the Jewish faith? There’s so much you enjoy reading it. Perhaps the story line will wear you out. It takes some time to go back can seriously learn from Jews in spandex. I don’t know pick up now that the couple have been intro- through just to find my favorites. One sticks if it is sacrilege to like or dislike this comic. I mean, this duced. (Rocket Comics, 10956 SE Main out like a sore thumb, because for a minute I should have been put out by Curveball Comics. So, at Street, Milwaukie, OR 97222, thought I was reading Mad Magazine. It was this point, I’ll tell you to peek at it in the shop and only Rocketcomics.net) “Monstrous Clichés” and let me just say it buy it if you think you need to study it. Then get back to must take a great deal to entertain a thought. GARY HORNBERGER me. (Sayach Comics) 3 CAR PILE UP #1 & #2 I would like to know if that is the same $2.50 U.S. Candye Kane who was married to the bass MIGHTY MITE THE EAR MITE Just got done reading these two and let me player in The Paladins and in fact had her $6.95 U.S., by Tony Millionaire just say WOW, that’s some good stuff. In #1 own band that she would gyrate to? Once From the guy who brought you sock monkey and drinky there are some cool stories. The koala one is again, Riverwurst goes deep and out of the crow, comes the pulp fiction story line of Mighty Mite, weird but I like the idea of letting anyone park. Thank you. Good night. (Riverwurst, all wrapped up in a four-inch square hardback book. hang out. My favorite is “Idiot Box,” a col- PO Box 511553, Milwaukee, WI, 53203, This is the nifty story of how a hungry, cold circus mon- lection of political observations. If you ever [email protected]) key and a singing ear mite find each other. The mon- took critical thinking in college, that’s what key’s story is cold, without color or words, whereas the it’s like. If A and B then C. You’ll under- AMERICANJISM mite’s is colorful and full of song. In the end, all is in stand when you read the judge Scalia ruling $12.00 U.S., by Joe Denny color, leading us to believe that a singing mite in a mon- on kindergarten teachers. Issue #2 continues The last one always seem the most difficult. key’s ear is a good thing. The art in this book is superb the great thinking with the “Harvest,” where This one goes a little overboard. It’s kind of and gives one that warm, fuzzy children’s book feel. An an army of warriors gets the grab on some the shock jock of comics. The characters go ear mite might make a young child cry, but us old folk Halloween candy. Then there’s the “bulimic way over the edge, which, for some, will be find it endearing. The bizarre is what makes us laugh consumer,” which you’ll agree with, and humorous. Though I found some of this and this is as bizarre as it gets. I thought this book was laugh about, when you see the reason for the book funny, I will say it goes way over the delightful and now I’ll probably go look for some back title. It’s written by Dan Custer and it has edge. Drive thru food and abortions. Gay sex issues of the sock monkey. Truly a great find. some pretty witty observations on life. And, in a church. If this guy has a phone, it must (Fantagraphics) finally, once again we wrap up with “Idiot be ringing nonstop from special interest box.” I loved it. It’s an indie comic with one groups wanting a pound of flesh. Your mind El ZOMBO FANTASMA #1 hell of a ferocious bite. This is one that’s has to be way open to fully enjoy the humor $2.99 U.S. cheap and worth every penny. A collection that lies within these pages. Just remember I There’s nothing like Spanish wrestlers who get killed of made-you-think commentaries. told you so. (Joe Denny, PO Box 432, and are reincarnated to become guardian angels. See, I ([email protected], www.vividreams.com) Sag Harbor, NY 11963) picked this one because the artwork is real similar to that –Gary Hornberger 17 D RRD FFOO EE TT HHII WW RR EE IIFF ’S SSTTOORRYY NN MMAARRLLIIEE’S NN EE JJ
I pointed them out to Nettie and she put her scowl back on and told me to "keep an eye on them." (This column is an excerpt from Hannah’s conversation. Fortun- doesn’t usually act like that, but I told me to “keep an eye on them.” Jennifer’s novel, Grrl.) ately, they both got off the phones totally would have jumped up and After that I kind of forgot about at the same time and I whipped out down whether or not she did it too. them. September 14, 1991 my 36(d)ead zine for Hannah to After we calmed down we decided I was just too excited for sign. She smiled and signed it and that it was time to go and sit by the 36(d)ead to come on. We didn’t I’m exhausted. I slept until then she said, “So now you have to stage to make sure that we got good have to wait for very long. They eleven and I woke up exhausted. give me your autograph.” I was spots. More people were starting to came on stage and there was Exhausted exhausted exhausted. like, “What?” and she said that she come in and I was happy because Hannah looking so cool and tough Last night was amazing in so many doesn’t consider herself to be a most of them were grrrls that and all the other grrrls in the band ways and crazy in so many others. I celebrity or anything because seemed like me and Nettie. And a were just as cool and the first thing should start from the beginning. there’s nothing that she does that bunch of them had stuff written on that Hannah did was ask that all the any other grrrl couldn’t do so when their arms too! One girl had “Bitch” boys go to the back of the dance- The student centre (where the she signs something for somebody like Nettie and I saw one girl who floor and let the grrrls come to the show was) was this really weird she always gets them to sign some- even had “whore” written on her front. Most of the nice-seeming bar/café type place with a little thing for her because all grrrls are legs. I wasn’t sure what she meant boys just shuffled to the back like stage and all sorts of stairs and lev- equally important. Or something by that, but I guess it’s just like they were even expecting that els with tables and bars on them. I’d like that. Anyway, she had this little writing “bitch.” It’s what boys think they’d have to do that. I immediate- never really seen anything like it. notebook in her bag and it was just of us anyway, so why not scare ly turned around and looked at the We wore what I said we were going FULL of signatures and little notes them by letting them see what they guys at the bar and they were all to wear and I used magic marker to that I guess were all from people are thinking written on our bodies? talking to each other and looking at write “riot” on one of my arms and who are her fans. She opened it to a I smiled at all the grrrls and they Hannah and pointing. Nettie was “grrrl” on the other. Nettie wrote blank page for me and I wrote my smiled at me and at Nettie but I did- watching them too and we just “queen” on one of hers and “bitch” name and I drew a little cartoon of n’t have the courage to go up and looked at each other and raised our on the other. My ponytails looked myself with big boots and my poofy talk to anybody. They seemed to be eyebrows. I really didn’t want any- great. We walked in, found the skirt and ponytails. I drew a a little bit older than us and I was thing bad to happen. Hannah said, stage and then WOOOSH this girl women’s symbol on the skirt of my still ashamed of my big red “under- “Now all the women are safe to goes by us and Nettie grabs my arm dress. I felt kind of weird but also age” wristband. But then I saw that dance!” and then she raised her one and says, “It’s Hannah Scott!” THE kind of cool. Hannah looked at it most of the other grrrls had red ones arm up really high and yelled, LEAD SINGER! She disappeared and smiled at me and said, “Thanks, too. I started feeling a little bit better. “THIS IS THE REAL REVOLU- backstage before I could talk to her. Marlie.” And even if she doesn’t The opening act was a band TION! FEMINIST FURY NOW!”
JENNIFER WHITEFORD It wasn’t very crowded in the bar. want to be considered a celebrity I called The Sylvias and they were and they all started playing I pestered Nettie into asking must admit that just hearing her say AWESOME! They had a little tape “Carnivore” off of the record. The some bartender guy what time the my name made me feel like I was with three songs on it and I bought audience just went nuts and we show started and he said at ten PM. floating in space. Then she gave it that. They are just from Toronto so started jumping up and down and It was only 8:30 so Nettie decided to Nettie to sign and Nettie had this maybe we can go and see them Nettie and I were screaming the that she’d better call her mom. So HUGE smile on her face, which again. Nettie and I were right up words along with the song. All the we walked over to the phones and I was really funny to me because close to the speakers right at the other grrrls were doing it too and was standing there digging out a Nettie hardly ever smiles. She usu- front of the stage. It was the best we were all dancing in this big pack quarter for her when I look down ally just looks all scowly and cool. place to be because we could see at the front and I didn’t even worry this ramp and Hannah Scott is So I was smiling and Nettie was everything perfectly. We were so about any boys grabbing my ass or walking right towards me! She smiling and Hannah was smiling close that if I’d put out one hand pushing me because it was all grrrls looked so cool! She was wearing and it was just so great. I even got then I could have touched the gui- and it was SO FUCKING GREAT! this top that was kind of like a biki- up the courage to ask Hannah if I tarist’s skirt. Right when The Hannah was amazing to watch, ni top with ripped-up fishnet stock- could interview her for Music Box Sylvias were finished playing I just like she was in Seattle and she ings – like a shirt over top of it – and she said YES! She gave me an noticed this big pack of boys com- was jumping all over the place and and a really weird plaid skirt with address to send the questions to and ing into the room. They didn’t look twirling the microphone around and kneesocks and Converse. She had said she’d send the answers back to like the boys who were already crashing into the other band mem- lots of black eyeliner on and red lip- me after the tour was finished. Then there who all looked kind of skinny bers. And sometimes someone in stick. Nettie was talking to me and she said good-bye to us and went and maybe gay and they were all the band would make a mistake when I didn’t answer she looked up down the ramp and I guess went with grrrls who I guess they were with what they were playing and all and there was Hannah and Nettie backstage. friends with. These new boys were of them would just look at each just went, “Oh my God!” and When she was gone Nettie and like the boys from school with other and laugh and keep going Hannah said, “Hi. Is this where the I just grabbed each other’s arms and baseball caps and ugly sports team instead of acting like it was the end phones are?” We just nodded started jumping up and down and I t-shirts and stuff. I was wondering of the world. It made me want to because I had no idea what to say. had to cover my mouth to keep if they were in the wrong place and play guitar in a band SO BADLY Hannah got on one phone and from screaming. We were like, maybe they were going to leave but but a band like that where I could Nettie got on the other one and I “She was SO NICE!” and we were they just sat down at one of the mess up and it would just be funny tried to pay attention to Nettie and just laughing and wanting to bars. I pointed them out to Nettie instead of being this big big deal. 18 not eavesdrop on scream. It was great because Nettie and she put her scowl back on and The concert went on like that for a while and Nettie and I were quiet and watching. And then just… worn out I guess, and totally didn’t want her to get upset because having totally the best time but Nettie just shuffled past me and miserable. I didn’t know what I’d do and last when Hannah introduced the song pushed the guy near us with all of It was too loud to ask her any time she seemed almost mad at me “Dead Men Don’t Rape” those her strength! He was so surprised questions but I knew that she was when I tried to help. It was really guys who had been sitting at the bar that he almost fell over, which thinking about that guy Robbie and sad because I was thinking about all just started coming through the would have been really funny, but I thought that it totally sucked that this stuff we’re learning and how crowd of girls and pushing their he just kind of stumbled and then he could still make her upset when it’s supposed to be better for girls to way to the front. One of them put turned around to look at Nettie who she had just been so tough and we talk about their feelings and experi- his hand on my shoulder and was about half his size but she were learning all this stuff about ences and share them with each shoved me so hard that he knocked looked really angry and REALLY our own power and how we can be other instead of keeping everything me into Nettie and we both fell SCARY! Then SHE started yelling however we want to and no men all junked up inside of ourselves. down on the floor. They all started at the guy saying things like, can control us. But I guess he is Nettie and I totally agree with that screaming at Hannah and she was “FUCK OFF! LEAVE US ALONE! controlling her. She seemed fine when we’re talking about other trying to calm them down and get GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE after a couple of songs and even people, but I guess we’re not going them to back away while at the YOU STUPID DICK!” and even started kind of dancing again and to do it for ourselves. same time telling them how stupid Hannah was quiet and we all start- when it was over we all screamed they were and everyone in the audi- ed to watch Nettie. And then a few and howled until they came back on I have to call Sheena and tell her ence was just stunned and all the seconds later another girl started and did another song and then everything about the show, but I girls who had been pushed down yelling and then a whole bunch of Hannah jumped into the audience don’t think I can tell the story all were trying to help each other up us did and eventually the guys just to talk to people and the band start- over again just now so maybe I’ll but we were being totally silent. kind of backed up and walked away ed putting away their instruments have a nap first. I’m still so tired The worst part, I thought, is that and yelled some more insults but and I knew it was totally over. I was from everything. I’m almost look- some of the guys were laughing. then walked out of the bar and did- glad that we’d gotten to talk to ing forward to going back to school Like it was funny to come in to a n’t come back. Everyone was kind Hannah earlier because she had so on Monday where everything is place where girls were having fun of shocked but we cheered and a lot many grrrls surrounding her after boring and predictable. and make everyone feel angry and of grrrls were hugging each other the show that I knew we would scared just because you’re bigger and Hannah was kind of smiling have never gotten to talk to her like than them and you feel threatened and then she said, “On with the we did by the phones. M. by what they believe. show!” and they started back into Nettie seemed fine coming Hannah was still yelling back at the song. When I looked over at home and we talked mostly about them when Nettie and I finally got Nettie she was watching but totally the show except that we didn’t real- –Jennifer Whiteford back on our feet. Everyone else was crying huge tears and looking ly mention the guys or anything. I
"Hey, ma'am, it's a vending machine! Carrots aren't gonna fit in the spirals, anyway." “Everybody was cranky/ to flow them something on one par- I’m working on or off of my cart behavior, I asked what she wanted Even the maids were mean/ ticular occasion (e.g. a candy bar, without saying a word. Then they and all she could say was We ran into a miracle/ There bag of chips, cup of coffee, or soda), proceed to hold out their money to “Something more healthy than what was beer in the soda machine” that it’s perfectly okay to “coinci- buy it, continuing to say nothing. you’ve got in there!” I mean, –“You Didn’t Mean Anything dentally” show up every damn time And if you’re one of these pushy c’mon, people! It’s a fucking vend- To Me” from the Ramones’ 1981 I’m there to service their account types who do this, let me explain ing machine, not a health food shop Pleasant Dreams LP with the look of a starved seagull on why this pisses off a lot of us route- or produce stand! What the hell!? their face. Now, don’t go thinking men. For starters, if I’m at a busy Would you call your cable company Beer in the soda machine, that I don’t take care of my regular account and this happens, then and complain that the Spice indeed. How many of you hops- customers, because I do. I like to everyone watching thinks it’s okay Channel or the Playboy Channel hankering peeps wish that cold because these folks ALWAYS offer to practice this annoying self-serv- doesn’t show enough family enter- brew was readily available in your to pay, whether or not I’m kicking ing attitude. Wrong. For example, tainment? Wake up and smell the workplace’s soda machine? Well, them down, and they insist on pay- how would you feel if you were a logic, folks. These are the same you can all put your hands down ing more times than none. It’s like mail carrier and some impatient types who like to bring lawsuits and stop drooling like Homer J. the same mentality a bar owner has dickhead three houses away on your against fast food corporations with Simpson, ‘cause it ain’t happening with his regulars – you take care of route started rooting through your their “look what your food has done anytime soon (not here in the States, them, ya know? Besides the seagull mailbag slung across your shoulder to me” jive. Absolutely oblivious. at least). It’s like this: I’ve been scroungers, you also get the types all because they don’t feel like wait- working for a large vending compa- who try to schmooze something ing? Not cool. Also, none of the shit 3. Liars and Refund Slip ny over the past years, and as a offa you. I can’t stress enough just on my cart or in the machine Abusers (Also Known route driver, it’s kinda funny how how frigging aggravating it is when belongs to you to begin with, so As Being a Shitbag) often I’ve heard this request at a some dope strolls in and figures that keep your fucking hands out of it. number of my accounts: “Hey, man, since the machines are opened and Let me come to your workstation These types somehow try to how ‘bout some stickin’ some getting serviced that they’re free to and start grabbing shit. Not too cool insult my intelligence as much as Budweisers in there?” “Dale, how say stupid ass things like, “Hey, now, is it? There’s also the no-ques- they piss me off. Here’s a nice ‘bout stockin’ some Coronas everyone, the machines are open! tion types who come in and tell me example: someone comes up while today?” These folks with the sug- Does that means it’s all free today?” what to put in the machines without I’m servicing the machines with a gestions are kidding, of course… or Like they think they’re the first ones even thinking to ask me if my com- request of a refund because a are they? It wouldn’t surprise me to come up with something as, uh, pany has the item they’re demand- machine took their money and did- one bit if these on-the-job jokesters clever as that. To stop ‘em dead in ing. If we do in fact have what n’t deliver their selection. Simple took full advantage of an opportuni- their dumb animal tracks, I always they’re requesting, I always go out enough, right? While getting them ty to purchase frosty treats from reply with the “Cool! What are you of my way to get them the item their money back or handing them their soda machine at work. Can’t gonna give me in exchange from they’re looking for to buy in the their product they didn’t receive, I blame ‘em for tryin’, right? To your company here?” answer. It machines. No big deal if it’s possi- always ask what happened as to quote my beloved mother, “It never usually shuts ‘em right up, and with ble. But coming in demanding how they lost their money. I do this hurts to ask. What’s the worse they the exception of the ones who know something, especially when you’re because if it’s an easy enough thing can say? No?” But besides all the you’re onto ‘em, they get all flus- telling me to do it? I know the age- to fix, I can take care of it right there half-baked jokes or so-called “witty tered and give you the “I was just old adage “the customer’s always on the spot so I can save on a ser- banter” some people like to indulge kidding” remark. No you weren’t, right,” but that doesn’t mean a cus- vice call of one of our mechanics DESIGNATED DALE me with while I’m out working on because if you were kidding, you tomer’s given free reign to act like a coming out to repair it. If they tell my route, there’s a whole lot more wouldn’t stand there and press the ripe-for-a-rap-in-the-mouth child me they lost money after it took unwelcome things to handle besides issue. Beat it. star, so knock that shit off. I had a their money once, they’re usually the verbal diarrhea spilling from lady come in once, sighing heavily telling the truth. The machines do their pieholes. Don’t get me wrong 2. Helping Your Damn Self, under her breath, and then started to get jammed or malfunction. It hap- – there’s a gang of folks I’ve come Making Demands complain about their machine’s pens. But then I get someone who to be good pals with on my route Instead of Suggestions, selection. She crabs on about how comes up to me to tell me they want over time; really cool and funny and General Acts there wasn’t enough health-con- all their money back because after people. On the other hand, I’ve of Being a Creep scious items in the machine and the second or third time they tried (Also Known As Being putting money in, it wasn’t work- come across some USDA Grade A A Rude Motherfucker) how “Some of us here have heart pricks as well, and the following is problems and are watching our cho- ing. Second or third time? Wait a minute… it stole your money once a list of things that anyone would I want to ask you all a question. lesterol.” I really thought she was find unacceptable if they were in kidding at first and told her, “Hey, and you kept putting money in? If you’re at your local bar, do you You’d be dumbfounded how many my boots during the course of my go grabbing bottles of beer or liquor ma’am, it’s a vending machine! work day. Carrots aren’t gonna fit in the spi- people come to me with this. I ask behind the counter that don’t belong them this out loud and usually once to you? For some unexplained rea- rals, anyway.” She didn’t take too 1. Beggars/ A.K.A. nice to my kidding. I soon found out they hear me repeat what they just son, I often get a clueless person said, I get the deer-in-the-headlights Being a Fucking Leech walking up to me while I’m work- that she wasn’t kidding and started nipping at me, “So, what are you look, which means they’re probably This kind of person is the one ing and they think it’s totally cool to more of a dolt than they appear to grab something out of the machine going to put in there for us, then?” who thinks that if I was nice enough Getting annoyed with her yenta-like be. Then I’ll get the ones who cross their arms insisting “Well, it did!” take breaks at the same exact time. 5. Equipment Vandalism I recently walked in on some I then have to put on my kinder- Stop, think, and cut the guy some (Also Known As “I Need My Ass genius stepping back and kicking garten teacher’s voice and explain fucking slack. Patience, believe it Whipped ‘Cause I’m Acting Like the front pretty hard. After asking that if it takes any of your money or not, isn’t a four-letter-word. And a Spoiled, Scraggly Kid”) him what the hell was his problem and I’m not here, to stop feeding it more times than none, if the route- was, he turned around, surprised to more money and go see who’s in man sees you’re on break, he’ll These people usually don’t see me with my loaded-down cart, charge of giving you a refund. All flow you what you need ‘cause he have a damn thing to say, especial- waiting to get into the machines. of our accounts have refund banks knows your on limited time and ly if they’re caught red-handed His reply was that his co-worker’s we set up and we balance the doesn’t wanna hold you up any messing with a machine, whether bag of Cheez-Its were stuck. And money in the refund boxes with longer than you want to be. they’re shaking it, beating on it his co-worker nodded her head in refund slips people fill out. But, Here’s another piece of helpful like a chimp, or the ever-favorite agreement while pointing to the along with these refund banks, we advice – if you happen to have a practice of kicking it. If I happen hung-up bag. Because he got caught also get people who like to assume handful of change in your hand and to walk upon someone doing this with his dick in his hand, he started the refund boxes are a convenient you see us working, please decide at one of my stops, I usually shout, to get an attitude with me. I told way of getting a free buck or two. what you wanna buy without shak- “Hey! Is that machine mouthing him, “Look, asshole, would you like Here’s an example: A while back, ing the change in our ears like a off again? What did it say this a sit-down with me, you, and your our company used to have cigarette tambourine while hovering over time?” or my favorite, “Hey! If boss? I’m sure he’d approve of you machines at some of our accounts, our backs like the Grim Reaper. If your car doesn’t start, do you go acting like a fucking child!” He and the cigs were running around off and start kicking it or beating came back into the break lounge a $2.50-$3.00 a pack. At one of the few minutes later and apologized, accounts there was a guy who and not only because the fear of his thought that if he filled out a refund boss, but I really think he stopped slip, no problem, he’d get his and saw how much he was acting money back for his “malfunc- like an economy-sized douchebag. tioned” attempt at getting a pack of There’s also those aggressive smokes from the machine. And he types who like to take out the front did this quite often. The funny thing glass with a bowling ball, baseball was, he was the only one at the bat, or with their own foot. How account who was losing money in resourceful. And for what? Because the cigarette machine – no one else, your bag of whatever didn’t fall or just him. One of my company’s got stuck? Or just because you felt supervisors actually got his info like it? Mind of a lower colon, I tell from one of his many refund slips you. There’s the brilliant individu- and went down to talk to him per- als who like to scrawl their tagging sonally to “see the problem he was mark with a glass etcher, too… how having” with the machine. After creative. Your parents would be personally humiliating his ass in a proud of your disrespecting ass. straight-up professional way, our But there’s a certain someone supervisor requested it would prob- out there who didn’t just take the ably benefit him to buy his ciga- cake; he also hijacked the baker of rettes somewhere else since he was the cake with this sickening stunt. “having such a difficult” time with One early morning, as I approached the machine (about once a week to the outside area at one of my DESIGNATED DALE be exact, the fucking thief). accounts, I noticed something was- n’t right as I rolled up to the bank of 4) Coin-Rattlers, machines. On the front of the deliv- Hovercrafts, and Other ery door (that rectangular door you Assorted Assholes. push in to get your purchase below the display glass) appeared to be Sometimes we routemen have mud smeared all over. I’m thinking to service your machines at the time to myself, “Damn, someone got of your company’s break time, and way too happy with the mud in a we make every attempt to keep out dirt clod fight around here.” Well, of the way, like servicing the lesser- guess what? It wasn’t mud, unless crowded machines if the break area you call the foul, runny, fecal river is crowded. And if we’re in the way, that shoots out of your ass mud. we usually make every attempt to Illustration by Terry Rentzepis: www.alltenthumbs.com That’s right. Some vile bastard get our customers what they need. backed their ass up to the delivery A quick word of advice – if the you want something, speak up, on it?” Again, not a damn thing door and left a king-size mound of route guy servicing the machines at ‘cause we’re usually more than outta their mouths except, “Well, it semi-soft See’s candy inside the your work is in this situation, don’t happy to help you out. But if you’re stole my money!” To which I delivery bin. And if you’re wonder- be an unruly turd and say shit like some sorry-ass vying for attention, shoot right back with “Do you do ing, the smeared front of the deliv- “Why do you have to come here go buy a damn dog and stop it with this when you’re in Vegas and ery door appeared to be their pathet- during our break time?” We’re not the coin maracas, okay? I can’t you’re losing?” Think about it. ic attempt of doing dog wheelies to choosing to be there in the midst of count how many times I turn to ask And for the record, I wouldn’t rec- get the aftermath of their ass bark- your break. You think we like being what I can do for someone doing ommend trying to tilt machines to ing off of their behind. The son of a asked (re: told) by a dozen people this and they usually don’t get it ‘til try to get some free goods, espe- bitch wiped their ass on the front or more at once to sell them some- they see me staring at their hands. cially soda machines. If a soda my machine! Some people like to thing with the money getting Think about how you would love machine is fairly loaded with cans say their job is or can be shitty, but shoved in our faces or complain that at your job: me hunched behind or bottles, that thing will come for one uneventful morning, I could and whine about our “bad timing”? you at your desk or wherever while down like a ton of bricks, and cop the phrase in a literal sense. If we had to wait for every compa- you were working and I’m shaking you’d best not be in its path, or Let’s hear it for the human race. ny’s break time to be over at every a palmful of change in your ears. squash. It’s happened, believe me I’m Against It. one of our route stops, we’d never Common courtesy isn’t a four-let- when I say it’s happened. But, I –Designated Dale get anything done. Believe it or not, ter-word, either. suppose if you’re dumb enough, [email protected] the whole working world doesn’t have at it, professor. 21 LLLL EE SWW RRS CCAA IDEE TTHHEE DDOOGG AA MMOONNKKEEYY TTOO RRID AANN SSEE It was all so ugly and so pointless that even the dumbest rube watching the dumbest TV broadcast had enough sense to take a step back and draw one solid conclusion: this is fucked. I went to the polls in November, 2000 wearing an Against All are counted up and the guy who gets the most wins. Oregon in 2000 had Authority t-shirt. I handed my driver’s license and voter registration card 7 electoral votes. All of them went to Al Gore. So, in Oregon, a vote for to the old lady who was volunteering there. Before she looked at the card Bush was a vote for Gore. The number of electoral votes depends upon the or my ID, she looked at my shirt. “You’re not really, are you?” she asked. number of people living in a state. California had the highest population “Not really what?” I asked. in 2000, so they got the highest number of electoral votes, 54. All of them “Against all authority.” went to Al Gore. So if you didn’t vote in California in 2000, your non-vote It took a second for it to register with me. I’d worn the shirt because was a vote for Al Gore. And so it goes. it was the least smelly one on my floor when I got ready to leave that day. I rode my bike home that day and framed my first column in my head. It was no political statement. It was just a shirt advertising a Florida punk As I saw it, things were looking up. A third political party had a legitimate band, as far as I was concerned. And was I against all authority? Well, shit, chance of building itself up to counter the Republicans and Democrats; I I don’t know. Sometimes yeah. Sometimes no. It’s a complex question and was about to co-found a punk rock magazine; and bike riding was still fun. the last thing I wanted to get into was a discussion about autonomy and It didn’t feel like the dawn of a new era or anything, but I felt optimistic classical anarchism with an old lady volunteer at the north Merritt Island as I peddled home. Moose Lodge. I just wanted my ballot. I shook my head and said, “Nope.” Of course, I didn’t know then what was about to happen. Not only I got my ballot, walked into an open voting booth, and stamped out would the election turn into a huge farce, the discourse of the election my vote for Ralph Nader for president. I was a Florida resident at the time. would be hijacked. Cable TV, newspapers, and news magazines bombard- Again, this was the 2000 presidential election, which was decided based ed us with too much minutia about hanging chads and Republican staffers upon the votes of Floridians. The election that most people feel was lost protesting and bogus recounts. It was all so ugly and so pointless that even by the Democrats because liberal voters – and specifically liberal Florida the dumbest rube watching the dumbest TV broadcast had enough sense voters – voted for Ralph Nader. to take a step back and draw one solid conclusion: this is fucked. We all I left the polls and went for a bike ride that day. There’s a trail not too drew that conclusion. We turned off our TVs and stopped reading about it far from the Moose Lodge where I voted. The trail winds through some in the papers and just said, “Let me know when they pick a winner.” In the swampland. It’s meant for bikes, but there are a lot of twists and turns and end, most people didn’t even care that the president wasn’t elected; he was places where it’s only about as wide as a normal pair of handlebars. Roots selected by the Supreme Court. stick up in unfortunate spots, Florida cacti line the edges of the trail, and Because the whole election had been so overexposed, because every- it’s real easy to wipe out. Still, it makes for a fun ride, and I could cut one, including me, was sick of it, I scrapped my idea for a column. through the trail on the way back home instead of riding along the high- Now, it’s almost four years later, and we have another election com- way. So I twisted and turned along the edge of Sykes Creek, barely avoid- ing up. As I write this, the Democratic Party hasn’t yet made their official ing flinging myself into a strand of mangroves a few times. I kept think- declaration that John Kerry will be their candidate, and already, everyone ing about the election while I rode. I knew it was dangerous to do this. I is sick of the election. There’s been so much dirty politics that most peo- needed to be thinking about where I was going and not where I’d come ple have made up their mind who they’re voting for already, and most peo- from, or I was gonna wipe out. ple have done this because they really want to block out the next several The trail lasted for about two miles, at which point it opened up into months of angry, factually challenged, painfully repetitive news reports. a wide clearing. I stopped the bike there, drank some water, looked around At least in 2000, the election wasn’t a total farce until after all the votes the swamps, and thought about the election. At the time, I was two months were in. This year, the election is a total farce before we even know for away from moving out to California to help start Razorcake. I was think- sure who all the candidates are. ing a lot about the starting this new magazine and thinking a lot about I don’t know if this is paranoid of me or not, but I think this is inten- what I’d write for it, and I decided that I’d write my first column about the tional. The majority of eligible voters in the US don’t vote, and I think that 2000 presidential election. I’d talk about why voting for Ralph Nader was- the two major parties want to keep it that way. It makes sense. The two n’t a wasted vote. My thinking at the time was that a.) it’s never a wasted major parties don’t represent the interests of the majority of the eligible vote if you vote for who you want to win and b.) if Nader got 5% of the voters, so why should they want those people to vote? And what better popular vote, which was a legitimate possibility, then the Green Party way to keep most people from voting than to make them so sick of the would get the same government funding that the Democrat and election that they just turn off from it? I don’t think that the mass media Republican parties got. So my hope wasn’t that Nader would win. I mean, blows up issues because people are interested in, say, torture scandals I did hope that, but I didn’t realistically see it as a possibility. What I real- involving Iraqi prisoners or because these reports bring in higher ratings ly wanted was a third party. I also wanted to discuss the notion that a vote and the higher ratings sell more ads. I don’t believe that for a second. I for Nader is a vote for Bush, because there’s a huge logical fallacy in that think the mass media overexposes these issues because they’re lazy.
SEAN CARSWELL SEAN notion. They’re gonna sell ads any way you look at it, and by running the same See, in the 2000 election in Florida, a vote for Nader was a vote for stories over and over again, they can cut costs on things like journalists Bush. Also in the 2000 election in Florida, a vote for Gore was a vote for and news. It’s a fact that most of what you see on TV news and read in Bush. And if you didn’t vote in Florida but you were a resident of the state newspapers is generated by a PR firm somewhere. And I think that the PR in 2000, you voted for Bush in that election, because the Electoral College firms working for the Democrat and Republican parties are intentionally determines the outcome of the presidential elections. I know a lot of peo- feeding negative stories to the mass media knowing that those stories are ple don’t understand how the Electoral College works, so here’s a quick going to be overexposed, and hoping that the overexposure leads to apa- explanation. All of the votes in a state are tallied up, and the person who thy and lower numbers at the polls. I don’t know this for sure. I don’t gets the most votes in the state gets all the electoral votes. If Florida has know how much of it is intentional. I do know that people are apathetic. 25 electoral votes (and it did in 2000) and Bush gets more votes for pres- People are sick of the election already, and as the overexposure continues, ident than any other candidate in Florida (which, officially, he did), then fewer and fewer people will be inclined to go to the polls. it doesn’t matter if he won the majority of votes by a margin of one vote There’s a real danger inherent to elections, though, when most people 22 or a million votes, he gets all 25 votes. The electoral votes don’t vote. A good example of this is the 2000 election. Think back to 2000, the time when everyone was arguing about hang- dumped that money into polls, and matched his speeches with fluctuations ing chads and votes for Buchanan and how Nader supposedly fucked in the polls so that, by the end of his campaign, he said only what the polls everything up. Though there were several differing opinions about the showed as what people wanted to hear. This didn’t prove to be enough for election, one thing that everyone agreed with was that the election was Bush, and so he started pouring money into the southern state of Florida, “unprecedented.” Everyone said that we’d never seen anything like this where his brother, Jeb Bush, was governor. Though Bush was behind on before. There was even a really cool documentary called Unprecedented election day polls, he didn’t need to win the popular vote. A win in Florida that examined all the improprieties surrounding the 2000 elections. Not would be enough for him to become president. On election day, when the everyone agreed with the documentary, but everyone agreed with the votes started pouring in, Gore took a strong early lead. Early returns pre- term: unprecedented. And the only problem with that is that the US elec- dicted that he’d win. Then, a strange thing happened. Bush started win- toral history has a long, rich tradition of elections being rigged. The most ning in places where the pre-election polls showed that he was behind. famous rigged election occurred in 1948 in Texas. It set a precedent. Gore’s lead started to dwindle until, finally, all the votes were in and the Here’s the short version of what happened. election was too close to call. Official vote tallies trickled in from the dif- In 1948 in Texas, there was a US Senate race between Coke Stevenson ferent counties in Florida. Often the official tally didn’t match the original and Lyndon Johnson. Coke Stevenson had been a governor of Texas and tally. The election grew closer as more votes came in. Essentially, both entered the election propelled by a popular, two-term administration. Gore and Bush had strongholds in different counties, and the outcome of Johnson was a wiry guy whose the election depended not upon political future was iffy at best. If who received the most legitimate he didn’t win this election, his votes on election day, but upon political career was pretty much who could muster up more votes shot. Knowing that he couldn’t through recounts and absentee bal- compete with Stevenson on tradi- lots. When the numbers from the tional grounds, Johnson instead recounts started to come in, it backed himself with a tremendous looked like Gore would win the amount of money from corporate final tally. At this point, Jeb Bush campaign contributions, dumped stepped down as the head of the that money into polls, and elections. He felt that it wouldn’t matched his speeches with fluctu- be fair for George W. Bush’s ations in the polls so that, by the brother to be in charge of the out- end of his campaign, he said only come of the presidential election. what the polls showed as what Instead, Jeb Bush left Secretary of people wanted to hear. When this State Katherine Harris, who was didn’t prove to be enough for also the head of the George W. Johnson, Johnson started buying Bush campaign in Florida, in votes. Johnson poured a great deal charge. No surprise, with Bush’s of money into counties in south- campaign head counting the votes, ern Texas that were run by a polit- Bush won. Gore felt that the ical boss named George Parr. On recounts weren’t fair. He took it to election day, when the votes start- the Federal District Court. The ed pouring in, Stevenson took a most difficult obstacle Gore faced strong early lead. Early returns in proving that Bush had stolen the predicted that he’d win. Then, a election, however, was the fact strange thing happened. Johnson that Gore hadn’t been forthright in started winning in places where his handling of the election, either. the pre-election polls showed that Finally, the Supreme Court chose he was behind. Stevenson’s lead (above) george parr’s men pose with to award the presidency to Bush started to dwindle until, finally, all the ballot box they stole. rather than allowing a full-blown the votes were in and the election court case to shine such a bright was too close to call. For several days, official vote tallies trickled in from light on corrupt electoral practices by both candidates. the different counties. Often the official tally didn’t match the original I can’t say for sure that George W. Bush rigged the Florida election. It tally. The election grew closer as more votes came in. The lead switched seems to me that he did, but the evidence is so hard to dig up and so ques- hands several times. Essentially, both Stevenson and Johnson had friends tionable that, like in the case of the 1948 election in Texas, we won’t know in charge of certifying the vote in different counties, and the outcome of the whole truth until it’s all ancient history (most of the information I had
the election depended not upon who received the most legitimate votes, on the 1948 election wasn’t made public until 1990). The 2000 election SEAN CARSWELL but upon who handed in the last tally, a friend of Stevenson’s or a friend does follow a very similar pattern to the 1948 one, though. In my more of Johnson’s. When it looked like all the counties had reported, a paranoid moments, I think that George H. W. Bush, who was twenty-four Stevenson friendly county handed in a final tally that put Stevenson up by in 1948 and who is also a former head of the CIA, studied the 1948 elec- 117 votes. What they didn’t count on, though, was a small county under tion and used it as a model in helping his son to get elected as president. the thumb of political boss George Parr. The man in charge of the vote in Still, George W. Bush has already served most of his term from that that county was one of Parr’s deputies, Luis Salas. Earlier in the election, election. There’s nothing we can do to change that. I understand that. But Salas had reported 765 votes for Johnson in his county. To win the elec- we can do something about the next term. We can turn off our TVs, or at tion, Johnson needed 882 from Salas. So, in his official report, Salas least mute the political ads, before we get sick of hearing about them. We changed the 7 to a 9, much like you’d change and F to an A on your report can select our information more carefully so that everything is not over- card, and Johnson won the election by 83 votes. Of course, Stevenson exposed. Because, when you get right down to it, a person who pays no tried to fight this result. He took it to the Federal District Court. The most attention at all to the election is better informed than a person who only difficult obstacle Stevenson faced in proving that Johnson had stolen the pays attention to Fox News. election, however, was the fact that Stevenson had stolen a good chunk of And, if you take nothing else from this column, remember this: votes himself. Finally, the Supreme Court of Texas chose to award the George W. Bush knows that people like you hate him. He’s going to try to Senate seat to Johnson rather than allowing a full-blown court case to make you so sick of hearing about the election that you’ll stay away from shine such a bright light on corrupt electoral practices by both candidates. the polls. If you stay away, it’s easier for him to rig the election so that he In 2000, there was the presidential race between Al Gore and George wins. But he can only buy and steal a finite number votes. After that num- W. Bush. Gore had been a vice president of US and entered the election ber, legitimate votes really do count. Bush’s biggest fear is that people just propelled by a popular, two-term administration. Bush was a wiry guy like you will vote against him, because no one can buy enough votes to whose political future was iffy at best. If he didn’t win this election, his stop a landslide. political career was pretty much shot. Knowing that he couldn’t compete –Sean Carswell with Gore on traditional grounds, Bush instead backed himself with a tremendous amount of money from corporate campaign contributions, 23 YY LLEE AAAA WW RSAATTIIOONNSS SS SWWIINNGGIINNGG DDOOOORR CCOONNVVEERS HH S TT SSEE An hour later I felt like I had just stepped into some sort of Orwellian nightmare. and she’d say she didn’t think it was a good idea I finally called the place that had an ad for Whatever It's Worth and then I’d get the slurred tongue going, say warehouse work. something smart, and she’d hang up. It’s crazy. “Sometimes we’re not prepared for adversity. It’s like you’re with this person every single day Hiring 100 new employees! When it happens sometimes we’re caught and night and then boom; just like that, it’s all short... And I have advice for all of us. I got it over. There’s nothing to show for it. It’s like it So I went over to the employment office and from my pianist Joe Zawinul who wrote this never even happened. But still, the memory sat in front of some college girl who looked way tune. And it sounds like what you supposed to keeps playing over and over inside your head. too attractive to be in this line of work, filled out say when you have that kind of problem. It’s You’re picturing a life that no longer exists. And some papers, and had myself a job. You got to be called… Mercy…. Mercy… Mercy.” now you’re trying to figure out who the hell you pretty weary about any job that hires you in less –Cannonball Adderley are. And it’s not like Carol was the only girl I’d than five minutes, but I was desperate. She told ever had. There’s been plenty. But she was the me it was a two-month temporary gig and only Carol said she couldn’t do it anymore. She last and that was all I could really think about. paid six bucks an hour, but there was an oppor- said making the relationship work was more Eventually, I got fired. tunity for advancement. The poor innocent angel than she was willing to put up with and really, I The next three weeks are kind of foggy. I said it with such earnestness that it was hard to couldn’t blame her. Carol had direction. She had locked myself in the room, spending countless keep myself from going into hysterics. a career. She was going places. As for me, I was hours in front of the television watching lame The following morning I woke up at 4:30. I just kind of drifting. Just didn’t know what it soap operas and pathetic sitcoms. One night I stood at the bus stop in the dark, November cold was I wanted to do. Maybe Carol had some remember seeing this commercial advertising along with a couple of other lost souls, thinking, attraction to that in the beginning, but you know for a show about a talking baby. You know, the wow, slip up a little and life will do a complete how it is, things only last so long. played-out smart-ass, Look Who’s Talking bit. back-flip and kick your ass right in the gutter. I Eventually it got to the point where we were You’d think it would’ve all ended with Mr. Ed. – sat on the bus, staring out the window, telling arguing every night. Seemed like it was always “Hey there, Willllbuuuurrr” – but no, some sick, myself, as bad as the job is I’ll just do a couple about the most trivial shit. Like me leaving the demonic producers out there just wouldn’t let it of weeks, cover the rent and by then, hopefully empty milk carton in the fridge or forgetting to go. “Fifteen million viewers tuned in last week one of those other jobs will have called me back. make the bed. Both of us knew that these petty to Baby Bob.” It was bad enough that 60% of the An hour later I felt like I had just stepped things weren’t the problem though. Basically, country thought George Bush was doing a fine into some sort of Orwellian nightmare. Sure, I’d we’d just grown tired of each other. job as a president, but a talking baby? worked some warehouse jobs after I got out of Towards the end I started hitting the bottle I lost it. The bad blues were coming down on high school, but I’d never been to a place of this pretty heavily and most nights she’d go to sleep me and I couldn’t get rid of them. I’d spend my magnitude. It was the size of at least two large SETH SWAALEY early and I’d pass out on the couch. I’d wake up days and nights screaming at the television, jot- city blocks. Stacks and stacks and more stacks of in the early mornings to infomercials and the ting down undecipherable pages of words in a boxes and pallets were piled everywhere. annoying sounds of Billie Dee Williams or notebook and reading way too many bitter 19th Madmen on forklifts zoomed up and down the Dionne Warwick’s voice. Believe me; that’ll do isles as comatose-eyed people huddled over big a number on whatever migraine you’ve already century Russian novels. I kept having re-occur- ring dreams about mean midgets and people pressing machines. There were flashing red and got working. I don’t know, maybe a lot of cou- blue lights and buzzers and muddled voices ples are able to go on living the rest of their life chasing after me down dark hallways. The breaking point came when I found coming from the speakers above. Yes, and all like that, but for us, the writing was on the wall. this madness before the blessed hour of sunlight. So I took what little I owned, the cat Jo-Jo, myself pissing in a non-discreet alleyway in the middle of the afternoon. I’d been hitting the Jack They put me in the back of the warehouse and got my own little studio downtown. It was along with about a hundred other people. As I definitely a step-down from the two-bedroom since early morning at some old man bar and now here I was with my pants around my ankles leaned against the conveyer belt that stretched place Carol and I had in the year and a half we’d about fifty yards the first thing I noticed was that lived together, but I figured, hey it’s cheap; I just right there in broad daylight, for the whole city to see. I remember some little boy yelling out, I was the only person who wasn’t black. It did- need a place to sit and think and figure things n’t bother me; I just thought it rather strange. out. You know. “Mommy, look at that man. He’s naked!” Wherever you are kid, all I can say is sorry for Most of the jobs I’d had before usually had a Well, it sort of went downhill from there. I pretty diverse group of people. But I wasn’t here started showing up late for my job at the hotel. the traumatizing show, but thanks for the sober- ing observation. to think. I wasn’t here to pass social commen- During the last couple of months I’d been able to tary. I wasn’t here to dissect the racial distinc- hide it pretty well, but now my boss could smell I was down to three hundred bucks, a week late on the rent, and without a job. So I took a tions associated with wealth. I was here to get the liquor on my breath. All I did was set up for that little bit of green and hopefully be on my the banquets so it’s not like I was around the long look in the bathroom mirror, shaved the dirt off of my face, and thought, it’s time. I applied way. guests, but I was getting out of hand. I had a 5 The conveyer belt went into motion and o’clock shadow going and the blood-veined eyes at some of the other hotels downtown, but no one was hiring. Then on to the restaurants where everyone started working away at the maga- weren’t helping any. zines. My job was to stick address labels on To top it off, Carol wouldn’t answer any of I filled out a bunch of applications and fumbled through a few interviews, but no one called Christmas catalogs. The average American prob- my phone calls. Well, sometimes she would, but ably never even passes a second thought when the conversation would be short and blunt and I back. I’d wake up in the morning, go grab the paper and search through the classifieds. Still no they see their name and address on a magazine felt like I didn’t even recognize her voice any- they get in the mailbox. Honestly, I’d never even more. I’d say I needed to see her luck though. If I didn’t get some money coming 24 in soon I was going to be out on the streets. once thought of it before, but here I was now, a part of the whole cock-eyed orchestra; one more out, “People, make sure you are putting the all insecure about her figure and thought she tiny, invisible cog in the vast, tumbling corpo- sticker in the upper right hand corner! We’re was getting big, but I loved her ass. I’d just lie rate washing machine. finding too many catalogs with the sticker on in bed under the covers and laugh at her. Ironically, the cover of the catalog was a the left-hand corner! We can not have this!” “What’s so funny?” she’d say. glossy picture of a white woman’s hand with a I had a deep, nauseous welling of hate for “You are, sugar.” shiny 14k diamond on her finger. For hours that her in my gut, yet at the same time a part of me “I’m getting fat.” was all we stared at. This damn rich chick’s fin- felt sorry for her. I wondered how much time “You’re crazy.” gers and her diamond that probably cost more she had to do on the line and the machines to get “My ass is big.” than we made in a year. Talk about rubbing it in. that position of high ranking. Judging by her “Nuts. It’s perfect. Come over here.” After about twenty magazines we’d all throw mannerisms, I figured probably a while. “I gotta’ go. I’m late for work.” what we had on to the conveyer belt, dig I can’t even begin to put into words what it “Come on. You got a couple minutes.” through a box and continue on. was like to hear the last buzzer at five finally go Carol would give me that dirty smile and I’d
Four hours must have gone by when I start- off. Actually by that time, I was void of all feel- throw off the covers and she’d get on top of me. SETH SWAALEY ed to feel the ill effects: the standing in the same ing. All it took was a day and they had me. I Man. spot, the never moving I pictured the lost more than a few feet. The ILLUSTRATIONS BY TOM WRENN reflection, grabbed my knees started to lock up. dick and pulled away. I let The eyes were going blur- it go a few minutes later ry. The theme song for the and watched the white I Love Lucy show popped cream float to the surface. into my head. Jeez! Just Jo-Jo just gave me those hold on man, just hold on, I dumb eyes and stretched kept whispering to myself. out his legs. What the hell I shouted over to an went on in the mind of Jo- older gentleman across Jo? I thought. Like what from me, “What time is was he really aware of? it?” Did he know the differ- “Quarter ta’ nine.” ence between a Ray “Hah hah, funny, no Charles tune compared to really what time is it?” Beethoven? Could Jo-Jo “I already told you, tell when I was sad and almost nine,” he grunted. when I was in a good Oh lord, this wasn’t a mood? Did he dream? Of warehouse, this was an course he dreamed. I could insane asylum. This was a see him twitching when he twisted vortex of time, a slept. But what the hell did maniacal world where he dream about? Catching minutes were seconds, mice? Humping other where hours were minutes, cats? Yeah, after ten hours where time stood still with of mind-numbing work, a joker smile wrapped this was what you were around his ears. And still, left with. the magazines kept com- An hour later I was ing. There was no end in lying in bed with my eyes sight. Whenever the big closed. My body felt limp, box was getting close to “People, make sure you are putting the sticker in the upper lucid, like it was a part of being empty a forklift right hand corner! We’re finding too many catalogs with the the mattress. Through the would come by and place sticker on the left-hand corner! We can not have this!” walls I could hear some- another box right next to it. one on the floor below By the time you made it mine listening to the outside for break you had just enough time to wasn’t one of those strong-willed menial labor- gospel station on full blast. Then there was the light a cigarette, take a few puffs and then run ers, one who could block it all out and just focus guy down in #4 who’d been playing the same back to the line. If you were late you got on the job. No, a full day under my belt and I tune on a trumpet for the last month. It sounded docked. Two marks and they sent you home. was already a lost cause, my brain one big ball like a Duke Ellington song, but it was all out of of mush. I thought about the hotel job. Next tune. The crazy notes floated up the stairs and There was an even amount of women and month I would’ve been on my third year there. into my room. My head sunk into the depths of men. There were some kids just out of high Man, I’d really messed up. Looking like some the soft pillow as the strange sounds of the night school, your thug-lookin’ guys, and then the heard of sedated cattle, my fellow workers and I floated around me. young women talking about their crazy kids. filed out of the warehouse and headed for the The thing that surprised me though was that at bus stop. The next morning I stepped off of the bus least a quarter of the people had to be over fifty. and walked along the one-lane road in the thick It just didn’t seem right. These people ought to The minute I got home I turned on the hot fog towards the warehouse. As the ice-like wind be walking in the park. Watching sunsets. water in my tub and put a plug in the faucet. I played games with my pale-skinned face I could Playing with their grandchildren. put my naked body into the hot water and just see the sun beginning to show its face over the I wanted to think that this was just some sat there, looking listless up at the ceiling. I horizon. A flock of birds flew over a field of temporary job, a way to make some quick, extra couldn’t even remember the last time I’d taken wheat stocks that brushed against one another. It money for the holidays. But gauging from that a bath. It’d been years. Every muscle in my produced a sort of hypnotic whisper. I stood hollow, weary look in their eyes and the body was throbbing. My cat Jo-Jo sat on the toi- there on the side of the road and took it all in. It hunched-over backs and the stubby fingers, I let seat and stared at me with his big, melan- was so quiet and still. Everything around me got the feeling this was just one of many in a choly eyes and meowed. I thought about Carol. seemed overwhelmingly extraordinary, so damn long line of minimum-wage labor jobs. I couldn’t help it. She’d probably already found fantastic and beautiful. The boss was a short, pig-nosed runt of a someone else. I remembered back in the hey- Ten minutes later the buzzer from the depths woman. She kind of looked like a demented days when Carol used to stand naked in front of of hell was calling me back to the line. bear. She would constantly walk up and down the closet mirror before getting dressed for It was hard not to let it take a hold of me. So the isle, glaring over our shoulders, shouting work. She’d constantly stare at her ass. She was I tried to ignore the magazines. After a couple 25 days it was like tying my shoelaces; I didn’t the long drive home and only getting six hours side an older man who had H A T E tattooed on even need to look at what I was doing. I let the of sleep before he’d be back at the office. his knuckles. Enough said. mind fall into a trance; one filled with pure “What are you talking about? Don’t you “The one over on Howard?” imagination and rusted visions of a long lost remember last year when we left early and we “Yeah, for a month I was working at a ceme- youth. were out in the parking lot and Marshall hit that tery diggin’ graves.” For some reason I started thinking about this grand slam in the 9th? Jeez. Come on Dad.” “Damn.” girl I used to have a huge crush on back in the That wild-eyed kid sits in those bleachers “Hard shit man. Didn’t pay nothin’.” sixth grade. I don’t know why, but the memory full of hope. The world is a magic dream. Sitting Seconds later the pig-nosed, scrawny boss of Lupe Herrera just popped right into the head. there he has no idea that he’ll be some washed- was yelling at me to quit talking. I came close to What an angel that Lupe, what soft lips, those out loser twenty years later. I see him sitting taking one of my stickers – “Evelyn Jones, 1845 Spanish snake hips, and oh, I use to go nuts in there, but at the same time, I can’t even recog- Washington Blvd.” – right on the bitch’s lips, the back of class staring and drooling over her. nize him. but somehow I held back. I even mentioned it to But hell, she’d never give me the time of day. Kenny after she left, hoping to maybe throw And then there was George Gomez, who’d been And this is when the thoughts begin to turn some humored light into the day, but he just held back twice and ran with gangster kids who dark and brooding. The day goes on and one ignored me and continued to go at the maga- were in high school. George and I never got feels as if there’s no end in sight. The repetition zines like a possessed madman. I suppose there along. We were always going at it out on the becomes maddening. One even begins to relate was some sense of tragic, yet comic irony in all soccer field during recess. He got Lupe – the to the reasoning of the murderer. Dostoevsky of this, but at that moment I was just too tired to good girls always go for the bad boys – but then had it right on. How can one not commit murder laugh. the next year we all went to junior high and in this state of mind? I look around at these That wild-eyed kid sits in those bleachers full of hope... he has no idea that he'll be some washed-out loser twenty years later. things changed. Lupe became a Chola girl and vacant eyes staring down at the magazines. A That Friday it turned out they were laying now she had those cement-coated bangs shoot- few people down at the end of the line are talk- off half of the crew. Christmas catalogs were ing up half a foot over her head and had ing, but I can’t quite hear them. Everyone else out. I forget what the next job was going to be. SETH SWAALEY replaced her sweet summer dresses with black seems to be in some sort of trance. What are Easter? Just imagine having to stare at a damn jeans and white tee shirts. And then a couple they all thinking about? How the hell did we all pink bunny for ten hours a day. Talk about voic- years later I heard George – a.k.a. Trigger – was get here? es in the head. A lot of the people were up in doing time for murder. And now where were arms. What the hell were they going to do now? they? Was George still staring at life through a Next to me on the line was a guy who I I felt bad for them. These people had children to cell? Shit, maybe he became one of those guessed to be in his late twenties. He was going take care of, food to put on the dinner table, dot.com millionaires. Was Lupe now some through the stacks of labels and magazines at a numbers to play. For me, it was a different story. beautiful suburban mom married to a rich frenetic pace. I wanted to tell him that no matter I needed the money, but I also wasn’t responsi- lawyer? Was she some fat cow who had five how fast we went, we were still going to get ble for anyone else. If I fucked up, it was all on kids and lived on welfare? paid the same. I was only going on my second me. Then the memory that comes to mind is of a day, but if I didn’t talk to someone soon I was I picked up my paycheck and as I walked few years earlier: the times my father and I went going to go insane and strip naked and do the away the manager called me back. to Dodger games. We’d drive up to Los Angeles damn hokey-pokey on top of the conveyer belt. “Hey Dave.” early in order to beat the rush hour traffic. There So I said to him, jokingly, “Damn man, you’re “Yeah?” was this park not too far from Chez Ravine and going to kill yourself going that fast.” “You do good work. I’ve been watching we’d both play catch while Mexican families sat “Nah, I gotta’ go dis fast. Tryin’ to see how you. We’re going to be put some people on the around benches, the husbands kicking soccer many I can do every hour. So far my best is machines. You want to work tomorrow?” balls to one another, the mothers charbroiling forty-two stacks. Gotta’ keep mis’self busy.” “Yeah, sure,” I said, although I knew I had corn… the smell of tortillas… children laughing As I pondered over that thought, I noticed no intention of ever setting foot in that place in foreign tongues. I can still see the swooping that his entire upper front row of teeth were sil- again. That night I cashed my paycheck, bought Palm Trees doing their little dance. Even now ver. He had two faded tattoos of teardrops under a bottle of Carlo Rossi, and went back to my the growling sounds of the conveyer belt is each of his eyes. Another tattoo on his neck read apartment. I took another long, hot bath, dis- miles away and I can feel the hot, Santa Ana in big Old English letters, BAD DOG. He defi- cussed the virtues of life with Jo-Jo, unplugged winds blowing through the city of Angels as that nitely wasn’t the type I’d ever think of raising the alarm clock, and let myself temporarily neon sun lights up the Southern California sky. my fists to. escape into that blissful world of dreams. The two of us would go eat at some whole “So what’s your name?” I asked. in the wall, empty Chinese restaurant. I always “Kenny.” A week later I got a temporary job working got the Moo Shi Pork. I remember that much. “I’m Dave. So how long you been here?” at a warehouse on the other side of town. I still Then up the winding road to the stadium. I knew “Three months.” hadn’t heard anything from the hotel or restau- all the players’ back then: Fernando… “Three months? Jeez. I don’t know if I’m rant jobs. My new job had now evolved from Guerrero… Gibson… Hershieser. going to be able to finish the week.” stickers and catalogs to adjusting defective Walking into the ballpark…the distinct “Man, I wish I could get a betta’ job, but I windshield wiper tubes. It was nice to know smell of freshly cut green grass and oily mitts can’t cuz of my recah.” things were moving up. I would readjust a knob and buttery popcorn and greasy Dodger dogs “You’re what?” I asked, unable to under- on the tube to a certain measurement, mark it wafts through the stands. We were always way stand his slight lisp. with a pen, and then continue on to the next. All up top behind the plate in the cheap six-dollar “My recah.” day I sat at a table in the far corner of the build- seats where the players looked like ants, where “Huh?” ing staring at these long black tubes that looked they hardly ever hit a foul ball. Still all of us “My recah. Can’t never get a job with that.” like octopus legs. Stretching… Pulling… kids would continually slap our gloves in the “Oh, you’re record. Right.” Bending. Almost… Not quite… OK. Mark the hopes that someone might hit one up there just “Yeah, I was in from ’95 to ‘2001. I did 1st one. Nine more to go. Next bundle. so we could go to school the next day and brag some pretty bad shit back then, but I’m different Stretch…. Pull… Bend. about it. After the 7th inning my father would try now. I’ve changed, you know. Well, at least I’d By noon my hands felt like leather and I to convince me to go so we could beat the traf- like to think I have. Can’t get no jobs though. could hardly move my knuckles. fic, but hell no, I’d tell him, “We’re staying till Before this I was working for Tops.” The only thing that kept me from walking the end.” Tops was one of those day labor places that out the door was Maurice. Maurice came in “But they’re down by four runs, there’s no paid minimum wage for grueling hard labor. I sometime after lunch the second day. He was way they’re going to win,” the tired old man had walked into the place a week earlier and sat from the same employment office that had got- would say, his thoughts more concerned about down waiting for my name to be called along- ten me the job. Maurice was 53, black, and with 27 the deeply wrinkled face and the cracked finger- ia. I even had local hospital offering to train me nails, I got the feeling he’d probably been in a day to be a dentist.” A couple days later Maurice and I got laid through a lot. He was dressed in a camouflage “A dentist? Jesus” off. Apparently the company had screwed up all Army outfit. He told me he never did any time “Yes, no lie. They were going to have me the measurements. Some corporate life-long in the military. The clothes were his father’s. pulling teeth. I tell you, you get a whole new businessman came out from Michigan just to “Hell, I just like the way they look,” he said. perspective of life when you see things like break the news. There was all kinds of confu- Maurice told me how he had spent the past that.” sion. 16” or 15 ½”. No one could figure it out. six years living in West Africa and down in the They had to send all the tubes back to General Caribbean in St. Lucia. He’d been involved in With Maurice telling me stories like this the Motors and they weren’t going to need us. import and exporting mining in Guinea and then days seemed to go by quicker. I’d find my imag- As we were walking back to the bus stop he’d worked for a tourism company in St. Lucia. ination drifting off into foreign lands wondering Maurice said to me, “Man, I just don’t feel like He was doing fairly well financially but, with about an entirely different world. going home right now.” I got the feeling that the constant coups in Africa and the sad state of Maurice was probably the most intelligent besides work Maurice didn’t get out a whole lot. tourism after September 11th, he lost a lot of his person I’d ever had a chance to work with. He He lived in a pretty rough, drug-infested part of money and had to move back home and live knew all about literature and history and poli- town; the kind of neighborhood you see every with his parents. His plan was to work here for a tics. At one point he almost had me reconsider- night on the news where some senseless murder couple years, save up as much money as he ing my long existing bias about the fact that has occurred. could, and then go back to Guinea when things Shakespeare was one of the most overrated writ- It was only ten in the morning, but I knew of had settled down. ers in history. a place so we went to a bar and drank the beers Sure, god knows I fuckin' hate this shit, but I ain't gonna let it get to me. “There’s a lot of money to be made over “The entire of story of life is in the plays of away. We were both out of work and broke and
there. I’m telling you. People don’t know about Shakespeare. That’s the beauty of his work,” didn’t really know what was next. We just sat SETH SWAALEY this. Diamonds. The place is full of diamonds. Maurice said with such conviction. there, throwing back those cold ones, making You mine them there and then sell them here in Now and then we’d get into heated debates fun of the old bitter, woman bartender who the U.S. Five hundred bucks and you can come about the validity of the Bible. He kept trying to would slam your change down on the bar and with me over there. No joke, you’ll live like a explain to me the importance of my name and seemed to always have a scowl on her face. We king.” the religious connotation’s it represented. I told kept sharing stories of old jobs and old girls and Maurice told me all kinds of weird stories him he was full of shit. He just smiled and all the places we wanted to go one day, and I about life in Africa. It was a nice refresher from would calmly continue his argument, although I don’t know how to say it, but, well, it just felt the mindless monotony of black rubber. got the feeling he could’ve cared less about the right sitting there alongside with Maurice. You “It’s not like here, Dave. You know, a lot of Bible either way. could see it on our faces. Both of us had that the land in Guinea is still owned by tribes. If you But what the hell was an intelligent guy like down home dirty blues feeling, like, man oh want to be able to mine on their land you have Maurice doing at a crap job like this? Maybe man, but at the same time, thinking, well, thing’s to barter with the tribal leaders. Money holds there was more to the story than Maurice was are bound to get a little better. very little value to them, so instead you have to telling me. I could just see it: Maurice the ban- “I’m really glad I got to know you Dave,” trade with animals and food.” dit, stealing diamonds, crazy African rebels with said Maurice, placing his hand gently on my As he told me this I pictured one of those machine guns chasing after him, the interroga- shoulder. PBS documentaries where the random foreigner tion, the thirty days in solitary with nothing but “Thanks Maurice. You too. It made the blis- and cameraman are surrounded by this crowd of bread and water, the escape from prison. ters worthwhile,” I smiled back. scantly clad men with spears in their hands, big I would’ve thought that at his age and with We walked out the front door and into the sharp ivory objects going through their noses; the things he’d experienced Maurice would’ve hazy, noontime sun and promised to hang out the woman all sitting down with their boobs been bitter about what we were doing, but it did- again soon. Maurice said he was going to go hanging out: little infants sucking away. n’t seem to bother him. He had a look of tran- back to the temp place later that afternoon and “You know one time I went to visit this tribe quility and always maintained a smile on his see if there was any other work. I wasn’t really and as an offering to me they milked a new-born face as he pulled away at the tubes. It was that sure what I had planned. cow. It’s a ceremonial thing they do for a visitor. look that said, “Sure, god knows I fuckin’ hate As I was walking down the street back to Well, when they were doing this I saw there was this shit, but I ain’t gonna let it get to me.” His my apartment I heard Maurice yell out, “Hey blood from the cow mixing in with the milk. expression said, “I know where I’m going and if Dave!” There was no way I could drink it. They’ve got this is what I got to do to get there, then so be it.” I turned around. “Yeah?” all kinds of diseases over there. Those people’s I envied him. It was really something. “I just wanted to let you know that the com- bodies are used to it, but that shit can kill some- pany is paying for two thousand a day! Hah Hah one like you or me. Well, I told my translator to One day the boss came up to Maurice and I Hah! Two thousand a day! I’ll never forget that tell them that I couldn’t drink it. The leader got just as we were about to leave. He looked at the one! Peace, brother!” all offended. He didn’t understand why I would- crates of tubes that we’d gone through and said, I smiled and gave Maurice a good old fash- n’t drink the milk. Anyway, after a lot of confu- “Guys, I just want to tell you I think you’re ion salute. There was a sense of victory in that sion, we explained to everyone that my body doing a good job, but I counted up the bins and wave. Sure, maybe a small victory, but victory couldn’t handle it, that if I were to drink that we’re only getting 1900 done a day. Now the all the same. That feeling that the Man, whoev- milk I would get violently sick. Finally, the company is paying for 2000 a day, so we need to er that was, wasn’t going to get the best of us. leader understood. So instead, what does he give pick it up a little. All right, guys. See you tomor- I made my way back to my apartment and me? A mango. Hah, hah. You gotta’ love it. A row.” for the first time in months, I wasn’t thinking fuckin’ mango. Well, a couple days later I had a Just like that. He said it without even flinch- about money. I wasn’t thinking about the fact crew of five guys and we were mining for dia- ing. that I didn’t have a job. I wasn’t thinking about monds. As the boss walked away I felt my face heat the fact that I didn’t have a girl. I figured, hey, I “It’s pretty different over there. The people up. “You gotta’ be kidding me Maurice! Why guess this is just one little stage I got to go are beautiful and kind, but very poor. Poorer doesn’t that tie-wearing slacky sit his ass down through. If I was lucky, I’d be able to look back than you could ever imagine. I mean I had moth- all day!” I yelled. on this whole ordeal years later and laugh about ers coming over to my house with their sick Maurice just shook his head, as if this was- it. Not really a funny laugh though. Just a good, children thinking I was a doctor. The only rea- n’t the first time he’d heard something so idiot- long laugh. And for whatever it’s worth, son they thought that was because I had a bag ic, and said, “Two thousand a day, hah hah hah, that was enough. with pills in it. But they were pills I had to take now that’s some funny shit, two thousand a –Seth Swaaley being a foreigner so that I wouldn’t catch malar- day.” 29 RR AA UU DWW RRD OUU?? AA WWHHOO AARREE YYO NN
it, y’know, comedian. Really funny weren’t the first to do the gangsta dude, so we got a good movie. thing were you? Well, I guess the Nardwuar: Ice Cube, I’d like to full-on West Coast thing, but Nardwuar thank you again for setting your Schoolly D, he did a bit of the movie in Vancouver, BC, Canada. I gangsterisms too, didn’t he, from don’t know if you’re familiar with Philly? Does Schoolly D get any who lives in Vancouver, but props at all, Ice Cube? Vs. Ice Cube Tommy Chong used to live in Ice Cube: Yeah, Schoolly D gets Vancouver. Did you know that, Ice much props. He was definitely one Cube? of the originators of gangsta rap, Ice Cube: It seems like it, with all you gotta say that. Also, you gotta the bud you got going on around say KRS-One, y’know, Boogie here. Tommy Chong coming from Down Productions. They was BC. Y’know, that seems about doing some hardcore records back right. then. There’s a few people who Nardwuar: Tommy Chong used to came before N.W.A., but no people live in Vancouver, but now unfortu- came like N.W.A. Y’know what I nately he’s in jail. But on behalf of mean? So N.W.A. gotta be the the people from Vancouver, British world’s most dangerous group. Columbia, I want to give you a pre- Nardwuar: Yes, I am still scared. sent, Ice Cube, for actually setting Ice Cube: Good. your movie Are We There Yet? in Nardwuar: But I was wondering, Vancouver, and this is a present Ice Cube, Schoolly D could break- from Tommy Chong and the people dance. What’s your dancing ability of Vancouver, British Columbia, like, Ice Cube? Canada. This is a Cheech and Ice Cube: I have none. Chong incense burner for you, Ice Nardwuar: You’ve never tried Cube. [Nardwuar hands Ice cube a any? Cheech and Chong incense burner] Ice Cube: Nope, I’m like Sir Ice Cube: [laughs] Yeah. I’m lov- Noise: devoid of funk. I will never ing this. Y’know, this is one of my dance. favorite gifts. I’m feeling this, man. Nardwuar: Ice Cube, one other Nardwuar: A Cheech and Chong group that I’ve been interested in is incense burner, just to let the kids the rock ‘n’ roll group Cameo. know. An incense burner. Some people give them a bad rap, Ice Cube: Yeah, we’ll keep some but what is the coolness about the incense burning in here, no prob- Cameo, because I think they’re lem. But I like this man. I dig this. pretty amazing, aren’t they? [hands I was a big fan of these movies. We Ice cube a Cameo record] Nardwuar: Who are you? you very much for acknowledging kind of loosely based our Friday Ice Cube: Yeah, Cameo’s off the Ice Cube: [laughs] Ice Cube. that, Ice Cube, and I wanted to ask movies on these Cheech and hook. I mean, on this record, “Be Nardwuar: Ice Cube, welcome to you a bit more about the movie Are Chong movies. Yourself” was dope, “Flirt” was Vancouver, British Columbia, We There Yet? I understand that Nardwuar: That’s what I was dope, “Alligator Woman” was off Canada. you’re fighting a deer in the movie. going to say. You’re like the next the hook, so… I mean, this album Ice Cube: Thanks, man. That sounds exciting. Ice Cube ver- descendant of the Chongster, aren’t only has eight songs, man. I don’t Nardwuar: I’m really excited sus a deer! you, Ice Cube? think you can get away with that because you’re shooting this movie Ice Cube: [laughs] Yeah, and I kick Ice Cube: Everybody gotta have a nowadays. Are We There Yet? in Vancouver, that deer’s ass too! Don’t worry godfather, so I guess Tommy Nardwuar: But Cameo sometimes and Vancouver is playing about nothing y’know. It’s a kids’ Chong and Cheech, those are our get a bad rap, don’t they? I mean, Vancouver. Is that true, Ice Cube? comedy, family movie and it’s a trip godfathers. Me and Smokey, me they don’t always get the respect Ice Cube: Yeah, Vancouver is play- to see me with a couple of kids, and Day-Day. they deserve. I think nowadays the ing itself. y’know. I think that’s funny in Nardwuar: Ice Cube, the first time Outkast are even having Cameo’s Nardwuar: Which is totally amaz- itself. I heard N.W.A. I was scared. bass player on some of their ing because it never happens that Nardwuar: And Nia Long is also Ice Cube: Good. recordings. way. in the movie. She was also with you Nardwuar: [laughs] It really Ice Cube: I don’t know if Cameo’s Ice Cube: Yeah, most people come in Boyz ‘N the Hood too? scared me! getting a bad rap. I mean, who got here and shoot every other city but Ice Cube: Yeah, Nia Long. We’ve Ice Cube: You look scared now. time to dis Cameo? Vancouver, but a lot of movies are been following each other’s career Nardwuar: Well, you’re nice Nardwuar: Certainly not me, shot right here and we said, “Yo, we for the longest. She’s been down Cube, so I’m not that scared. speaking here to Ice Cube on the
NARDWUAR there. Why the hell won’t we use since Boyz ‘N the Hood. She was in Ice Cube: [laughs] set of the movie Are We... Are We Vancouver?” You know? Friday with me and now we’ve Nardwuar: You’re the nice Cube, There Yet? but thinking back, you guys Ice Cube: Are We There Yet? 30 Nardwuar: Thank come full circle. And Jay Mohr is in Nardwuar: And I was wondering background. Like The Archbishop seen pictures of Ice-T and he’s in the mainstream? Ice Cube, your good homey friend is down, isn’t he? The Archbishop looking pretty crazy, dressed up Ice Cube: Who cares, really? I Snoop Dogg. I interviewed him a is in the house. electronica. What did you look like mean, to be honest, who cares if little while back and I showed him Ice Cube: Yeah, the Archbishop, back then in the CIA era? he’s a racist or not? Who cares? this record by Flip Wilson. [hands he’s an alright dude with us. Oh, Ice Cube: Trust me, I didn’t look Nardwuar: Well, thanks so much, Ice Cube a Flip Wilson record] And take your records back. like none of them dudes, y’know. I Ice Cube. Anything else you want Flip Wilson is wearing a dress here. Nardwuar: Thank you very much, still dressed like myself. See, we to add to the people out there at all? And I said to Snoop, “Would you Ice Cube. was broke so we couldn’t afford Ice Cube: I love this, man. Thanks. ever wear a dress?” And Snoop Ice Cube: I like this (Cheech and nothing but khakis and T-shirts. So I appreciate this (Cheech and said... Chong incense burner). we just dressed like ourselves back Chong incense burner). Ice Cube: “Hell no!” Nardwuar: Yes, that’s for you. then. And, you know, it was cool. Nardwuar: That’s from the people Nardwuar: “Hell no!” Now why That’s for you to keep here. A gift We were all struggling, we was all of Vancouver and me, Nardwuar is that? Why would Snoop not from Vancouver, British Columbia, trying to get on. It’s not my favorite The Human Serviette, for you Ice wanna wear a dress and would you Canada. record. But we was on wax, we was Cube. Because you actually shot ever wear a dress there Ice Cube, Ice Cube: Can you smoke this? happy. your movie in Vancouver and actu- like Flip Wilson? Nardwuar: Incense only there, Ice Nardwuar: Ice-T was into that sort ally based your movie in Ice Cube: Hell no! And I don’t Cube. And Ice Cube, I was wonder- of electronica thing, wasn’t he? Vancouver, which is very, very rare. know why he wouldn’t want to ing about your first group here, the Like, was wearing some crazy out- Ice Cube: Yeah, this is the bomb, wear a dress, but I ain’t into it. I CIA. [hands Ice Cube a CIA record] fits, wasn’t he? man. I’ll let you smoke it with me leave it up to Flip. This is your first group. Ice Cube: Yeah, I don’t know. I later.
Nardwuar: Ice Cube, the first time I heard N.W.A. I was scared.
Ice Cube: Good.
Nardwuar: Ice Cube, on your Ice Cube: Yeah, this is my first think he was into the breakdance Nardwuar: Incense again, just for brand new LP with the West Side group. and stuff. Back then in the ‘80s, you the kids. This is a kids movie, Are Connection, you guys have a song Nardwuar: And this was before know what I mean, breakdancing, We There Yet? An incense burner. called “Pimp the System.” NWA. What was the CIA like and you had on the spikes. Nothing like And actually, lastly there, Ice Cube, Ice Cube: Yeah. what happened to the rest of the what you got on, but similar. do you still buy in bulk? Nardwuar: And on it, you sample guys? Nardwuar: Ice-T was down with Ice Cube: Yeah man, I buy a lot in the Archbishop Don Magic Juan. Ice Cube: Criminals In Action, it. bulk. Yeah. Ice Cube: Yes. that’s what CIA stood for. And, uh, Ice Cube: I don’t know about all Nardwuar: All right, well, thanks Nardwuar: Now who is that guy, you know you got Sir Jinx. He went that. But I know, dude, he wore so much. Keep on rocking in the the Archbishop Don Magic Juan? on to produce for me on a couple of spikes, yeah. free world, Ice Cube. And doot He pops up everywhere. He’s records. And then you got my man, Nardwuar: Ice Cube, lastly, I doola doot doo... around Snoop. What’s the history KD, and I put a record out on him wanted to ask you a bit of a contro- Ice Cube: [laughs] Is this dude of the Archbishop? in ‘97. So, you know, everybody’s versial question about The Source crazy? West Side for life all day Ice Cube: He’s just one of the OG still around. Where’d you find this, magazine. Lately, they’ve been every day. It don’t stop ‘til the pen- players. He’s been doing it a long dude? going on and on about “Is Eminem nies drop, you know! time, give us a lot of love in Nardwuar: Just in a record store a racist?” What do you think about Nardwuar: That will work. “You NARDWUAR Chicago when we come through. called Beat Street in Vancouver. that Source versus Eminem situa- know “is almost like “Doot Doo”! So we gotta give it up to the They’ve reissued that. That’s a reis- tion that’s going out there? Ice Cube: Are we there yet? Archbishop, you know what I sue. It’s a bootleg! Ice Cube: I don’t care. Who cares? Nardwuar: I think we are. mean? I put him in a movie or two. Ice Cube: Produced by Dr. Dre. Nardwuar: Because Eminem He was in Friday After Next. You Nardwuar: Produced by Dr. Dre. apparently recorded something that To hear and watch this interview know, he’s our man. And I was wondering that, Ice was racist on some tape that was check out Nardwuar: He’s always popping Cube, what was it like back then around for ten years. What are your http://www.nardwuar.com up everywhere. It’s cool to see him with the CIA scene? What was it feelings about digging up tapes at all these awards shows in the like, the pre-NWA? ‘Cause I’ve from the past and putting them out EENN CCKK HHII CC EPOORRTTSS HHMM DINNGGHHOOLLEE RREP TT TTHHEE DI HHYY RR
All photos by Todd Taylor • Rhythm Chicken in Winchell’s Donuts The Dinghole Reports in Kohren, Germany during their mic virus. I chose to piece together my departing to the warm By the Rhythm Chicken “Men’s Day” drinking festival last a double-ended tour to Southern California sun. Well, as I think (Commentary by Francis Funyuns) May. I had not performed on California and the Kansas City Murphy’s Law dictates, if a chick- [Edited by Dr. Sicnarf] American soil in eighteen area. They both have escaped my en’s car will die at the most inop- MONTHS! During these interna- rhythm wrath for far too long! portune time, gol’dangit, IT WILL! Ladies and gentlemen, hens and tionally troubling times, I’m sure Milwaukee folks have been Yup, my car called it quits. When I roosters, your doubts of my contin- my patriotism was in doubt, until a requesting Chicken shows for the got home after my big, exciting last uing ruckus campaign may be few weeks ago. I had to find the last six months since my return. I day of work there was a message on somewhat founded after 11½ best way to re-introduce my ruckus wanted to kick off the American my answering machine from some months of non-ruckus activity on to my own people and the time had tour in Milwaukee just before leav- girlie at American Airlines inform- my part. However, I would never come. I finished my job in ing, but I also wanted it to be sort of ing me that my connector flight let the silence last a full year. After Milwaukee and granted myself a under the radar. I had it all planned from Dallas to Burbank had been such an extended hiatus, I knew few weeks off before returning to out in a nice, tight schedule, but, of cancelled. I had to wait an addition- that I had to brew up some type of my northern Wisconsin woodshed course, the doo-doo had to go awry. al few hours in the aesthetically ultra-whizbang sure-fire all-out to work my tail off for yet another Friday was my last day of work and mind-numbing Dallas airport. I fig- audio-visual assault to make up for summer in the Door County tourist I worked till midnight. My plane ured God was trying to save my slothy avoidance of your ruckus trap. I knew I had to use my time left around 6:00 Saturday morning. Southern California from my RHYTHM CHICKEN needs. I, the Rhythm Chicken, had wisely and execute a far-reaching This was supposed to be a fun, dimension-warping chaos… that or not performed in 11 ½ months, with venture to spread my ruckus to action-packed six-hour window he really wanted me to see lots of 32 that last show being areas not yet tainted by my rhyth- between my last day of work and Wrangler jeans, shiny cowboy boots, and perfectly bent yet metic- “King’s” room, as it is labeled. salutations we were on the highway for this monumental rock show. I ulously positioned $100 cowboy Before many knew what was going southward to Escondido. The tour assume my wooden perch and pull hats worn by gold-card Texan on, Christreater, this evening’s bar- continues with little rest! I was a on the crusty chicken head. Just males who walk way too stiff. tender, turned off the music and typical farm boy tourist gaping mere hours since my early morning C’mon, they can’t ALL be stiff yelled to the proles, “Hey, every- wide-eyed at the cultural oddities in ruckus in Milwaukee, I proceed to from yesterday’s rodeo! body! It’s the fuckin’ Rhythm this strange land: In-n-Out Burgers, pound out my first-ever ruckus rock After calling Todd, this maga- Chicken!” and my thunder steam- an endless string of strip malls west of the Rockies! I executed zine’s fine overseer and also my LA rolled the packed bar. I pulled all along the highway, and their flawless Midwestern Pabst rock host, to let him know of my late the familiar tricks out of my Hardee’s are called Carl Jr.’s. It’s a and then halted to raise my wings arrival, I thought I could still make Chickenhead. I worked both sides wiggly world. and accept my new fans’ adoration. the best of the few hours of of the bar against each other in a We arrived at Tiltwheel manor My performance was met with mild Wisconsin bar time I had left. I rhythmic yelling match. I raised my in Escondido. Soon, team Tiltwheel clapping from the family, but rau- walked to the Cactus Club and its wings to riotous applause, then reared its still-drunken head. It was cous hoots and hollers from the RC newer neighboring punk-type tav- anxiously pounded a few thuds on ‘round 2 PM. They had to play that militia. God bless rock, and the ern, the Palomino. Once in the the bass drum, demanding more. I night in San Diego and leave the rock started to roll! Tiltwheel con- Palomino, I shared my dilemma pushed them over the top by once next morning on another tour. They tinues drinking. with the bartender Bill, part owner again pulling out the ruckus logs were like three hung-over, wet rats of Milwaukee’s Rushmor Records, and giving them the biggest sound (of course, I mean that in a very Dinghole Report #42: RC Rocks who, from time to time, sponsors in ruckus rock today! Bar time was endearing way!). I watched them the Pounder Hounds! the Rhythm Chicken in the South near so I ended my rock opera by consume more and more beers non- (Rhythm Chicken sighting #…..) Shore Frolics Parade. Without hesi- diving onto my chickenkit and stop all day. Yikes, these boys must tation, Bill tossed me the keys to his thrashing about until a pint of Blatz have Wisconsin roots! Back in the van, Davey, being a new truck and said something to the was thrust into my wing. I was Tiltwheel’s frontman, Davey, local, starts listing off possible
It almost seemed as if the whole day lead up to this blissfully drunken Wisconsin petting zoo gone bad. effect of, “Bring the ruckus here!” appeased. The next chicken gig was escorted Todd and me through their venues for impromptu chicken This was the first thing to go right hundreds of miles and mere hours practice room of miscellaneous rock. I stop him when he says in a long string of events that would away! musical mish-mash. He pieces something about a place called continue over the next nine days. together a fancy orange makeshift Pounder’s that he describes as a —Francis and Sicnarf mumble chicken kit. The hi-hat clutch is “mullet bar.” My image of all Dinghole Report #39: Ruckus from the corner where they are tied held together with an ill-fitting lug Californians wearing OP clothing Returns to Your Hemisphere! and gagged!— nut. The drum throne is a backless and surfing while drinking Sunkist (Rhythm Chicken sighting wooden chair with a Grabass soda is blown away. Bring me this #……..) Silence, you two! I’ve got too Charlestons sticker on it. The bot- mullet bar you speak of. Soon we Now armed with a very viable much material to cover this issue. I tom snare head is in shreds. The are parked directly in front of chicken-kit transport, I zoomed don’t need you slick-slacks making floor tom has part of a cymbal stand Pounder’s and setting up the chick- home and brought back my one-of- this column any longer than it’s for one of its legs. I fully embrace en kit on the sidewalk. A few gen- a-kind $75 drumset. A few heads gonna be anyway. Just sit back, the kit as Chicken worthy, for it’s uine mullets notice and slowly ooze turned as I hauled the kit in and set hush up, and rejoice in the fresh almost better than the one I have towards the action. I pull on the it up in front of the jukebox. I was ruckus! So, Bill drove me and my back home! Later, Todd and I find head and begin to rain holy hell on on a tight schedule and could waste kit home where I made a fresh pot out that the drums were actually them with drumsticks on chicken- no time as bar time drew nearer. I of coffee, packed my bag with rumored to be the set used to record skin. When I halt the ruckus one of pulled on the Chicken head and some extra drumsticks, and show- Bad Religion’s How Could Hell Be the hockey-hairs yells out, instinctively rolled out the ruckus- ered while I had the time. Soon Any Worse? album. Punk! “YOU’RE ALL FAGS!” Fuckinay! barrel that is now almost five years after drying off and donning my Ed Tiltwheel found some warm cans of I’m starting to feel alive! The gears old! It felt strangely familiar as I Gein shirt, Ruckus O’Reily pulled Natural Light and continued drink- become well oiled and the ruckus pounded out that same ol’ punch- up in front of my soon-to-be former ing. Na zdrowie! machine growls into high gear. to-the-gut rock that hasn’t seen home to drive me to the airport. I Tiltwheel continues drinking. these shores in eighteen months and crawled into his car with my bag Dinghole Report #41: West Coast then halted to valiantly raise my and chicken head. He instantly Hymen Torn Wide Open! Dinghole Report #43: Chicken wings with pride. It was after mid- asked, “You’re still drunk, aren’t (Rhythm Chicken sighting #…..) Storms Mission Beach night, hence, already Saturday. you!” I replied, “That and I’ve got in Belmont! May 15 will now and forever be my Ed Gein shirt on. I’m going to Seeing as how Todd appears to (Rhythm Chicken known as RR-Day, the day that Southern California and I gotta be the only one still free of ruckus- sightings #…,..,..,…&…) ruckus returned! I got the crowd REPRESENT!” Leaving juice and its wily influence, he mildly worked up and then pulled Milwaukee that morning, the tem- assumes maximum responsibility I love having a good number of out my ol’ nearly forgotten friends, perature was a balmy fifty degrees. and becomes the evening’s desig- roadies in an area thick with foot- RHYTHM CHICKEN THE RUCKUS LOGS! With these My later flight to Burbank nated driver. The rest of us pack the traffic. This harbors what I like to behemoth mallets, I unleashed true ended up landing a half-hour early van and pile in. We soon happen call “rapid fire ruckus.” The super-sized ruckus on the unsus- so I thought I’d sit outside and soak upon the sight of the Rhythm Chicken can perform quick pecting tavern. I have returned! up some of that West Coast ambi- Chicken’s first ever West Coast gig. assaults, one after the other, in a ence. I walked out the exit to a wall In nearby Kit Carson Park we see a string of randomly found venues, a Dinghole Report #40: of liquid butter they call that warm group of people celebrating in a veritable carpet bombing of ruckus! Ruckus Goes Next-Door! California sun. This is May, wholesome extended family type My trusty roadie army sets up the (Rhythm Chicken sighting #…..) dammit! How can they stand the fashion. It turns out being a Chicken kit under some sort of HEAT? I stripped off my two-dollar Quinceañera picnic party! ROCK! archway welcoming people to the Seeing as how the Palomino thrift store Harley Davidson leather Team Tiltwheel, along with Jack beach while I run down to the water and the Cactus Club are literally jacket and sat on the sidewalk with Doyle, Josh Mosh, Matty to dip the tips of my chicken ears in back-to-back, I knew what had to my bag and chicken head attracting Awesome, Todd, and Megan, all the Pacific. I quickly return to the be done. I quickly hauled my gig quizzical looks. Todd and Megan join the Rhythm Chicken world- kit and assume my throne. A crowd next door and set up in front of the soon pulled up and after proper wide roadie army by helping set up already accumulates while I begin spraying them with my wild-ass captive audience! The ruckus flows cheers and we tore down and head- Dinghole Report #43: Chicken rock! The Chicken ears in total reckless abandon while Josh ed up the street. While walking Standing Ovation of Liars! sway about as I rock the beach to Mosh is right up front kickin’ it into down the sidewalk a girl wearing a (Rhythm Chicken sighting #….) within an inch of its life! Many overdrive. ROCK! The militia grab Fat Boyz Pizza shirt personally beach-goers are taking photos and the kit again and we move back invited the Rhythm Chicken to play It was almost time to head videotaping the Midwest oddity. I towards the beach until I find in her place of employment up the down to Chaser’s for the Tiltwheel contemplate the possibility of any another prom date couple and street! THIS WAS BETTER THAN show, but Davey knew of one more effect I may have on the San Adreas decide to play right in front of these AN INVITE TO THE PROM! We prime stop on this particular Fault. A few prom date couples fil- two, a personal romantic serenade immediately hiked up the street to Chicken tour, The Liar’s Club. ter to the front row, somewhat puz- enticing them to fornicate later that Fat Boyz, walked in the door and This was apparently some bar zled. After a few more doses of evening (which I’m almost positive set up while customers looked on, where the Tiltwheel boys knew one rhythm rock, my militia quickly they did!). Even though the gig was bewildered. I pulled on the head of the bartenders (surprised?) and grabs the kit and we move to the for this single couple, another and let the rock roll. The staff they knew a Chicken gig would be next ground zero, the Sand Bar. I crowd gathered around burgling behind the counter all came up peachy keen in the establishment. RHYTHM CHICKEN
Chicken Rocks the Fast Castle Laundry Room Theater! Notice Matty Awesome’s leg, spilled cat food, and April Vena Cava’s ruckus-approving smile. set up on the sidewalk directly in their romantic thunder. Matty front and yelled and clapped. Team The militia hauled the Chicken kit front of the open-air bar and Awesome and Jack Doyle grabbed Tiltwheel were there in a drunken in through the packed bar and I set unleash my Wisconsin mayhem on the various drum parts and we were haze hollering and crooning. The up on the little stage in the back of the California boozers. Team off again to the next bombsite, A customers stopped eating and the club, right in front of the juke- Tiltwheel are right up front and get REPEAT ATTACK! This time the enjoyed the house band, me. box. I even grabbed a nearby barrel the rest of the drinking crowd all Chicken kit was set up on the side- Various beach walkers and pedes- of beer in the back corner to set in riled up, but before long the door- walk ACROSS THE STREET from trians stuck their heads in to see the front of my sliding bass drum. You man for the Sand Bar shakes the the Sand Bar in a disabled parking supposed first rock show at Fat gotta utilize the elements of your Chicken’s shoulder and busts the spot! GIMP ROCK! Baby, I’m Boyz. I’ll take one large thick crust environment to your advantage. show. breaking all social barriers! I threw with an extra side of RUCKUS! I The crowd looked on and won- The militia quickly grabs the out some audio ruckus and the finished up the gig and we loaded dered what the cluck I was there kit and we move over to the roller crowd gathered and yelled while out to the applause of the unsus- for. As soon as I pulled on the cher- coaster. The Chicken quickly my faithful roadie army was yelling pecting pizza-eating audience. As ished crusty head and commenced assumes his throne as children are and hollering as much as ever. before, Tiltwheel continued drink- my rock opera, they caught on locked into the not-yet-moving Tilt- Chaos was being had at the beach! ing. quick. I pulled all the drunken 34 a-wheel next door, a This gig finished to the sound of audience tricks and led them on to a riotous pitch before standing and less chair) I emitted deafening Chicken bringing his ruckus home Dinghole Report #47: accepting their applause. A beer chaos out into the club. I pounded to the south side of Milwaukee in San Pedro Under Attack! was thrust into my wing and I was the Chicken skins with no mercy. I two early morning gigs, then some (Rhythm Chicken sightings appeased. We sat around enjoying led them on. They begged for more. coffee and packing, then some air- #…,…, &….) our beers in The Liar’s Club, but I threw a fit! I raised a ruckus! I put planes and airports, then some there was a punk show to get to and everything on the line and lit the California highway time, then A second Chicken roadie army we had to haul out. As the militia fuse! It almost seemed as if the some rhythm ruckus around was soon drafted: Rawl, Kid Kevin, and the Chicken hauled the kit out whole day lead up to this blissfully Escondido and San Diego, and Tony, Lena, Erin, Jacob, Todd, and through the crowd they gave us a drunken Wisconsin petting zoo finally a fuckin’ punk as peaches Megan. They each grabbed a part of standing ovation! Ruckus be with gone bad. I gave California full- rock gig. A mighty fine day if I do the Chicken attack kit and we went you. Ruckus be with you. Team blown ruckus and they ate it up. I say so myself! But was the day out into their neighborhood to dis- Tiltwheel and I were on the way to stood to accept all worship, the really over yet? pense some rapid-fire guerilla gigs! the evening’s Tiltwheel show. crowd roared, and the ladies’ room Since landing in California I felt the Tiltwheel continued drinking. door was closed like the dropping Dinghole Report #45: uncontrollable urge to push the of a curtain at the opera. Chicken Rocks the Fast Castle envelope and actually play INSIDE So, we arrive at Chaser’s, a San I quickly tossed my kit in the Laundry Room Theater! a Jack in the Box fast food restau- Diego bar which I’m informed is corner and used up my final drink (Rhythm Chicken sighting #280) rant. The time had come. I was only used for shows as some sort of ticket before securing my spot near fully expecting the gig to be halted last resort, I think, but then again the stage for the Tiltwheel set. In So would my Southern before it began, but NO ONE SAID my memory was starting to resem- case you hadn’t picked up on this California hosts let RR-Day end A DAMN THING! A bunch of ble Swiss cheese again. We pulled yet, I saw these boys from much without some after hours ruckus? punks haul a drum set into Jack in into a spot behind the club and just earlier in the day. They woke up Technically, I believe the full 24 the Box and set it up right in the sat in the van drinking for a while trashed, continued drinking, and hours of RR-Day had expired, but middle of all the tables of dining before entering the club. I ventured drinking, and drinking, and drink- the time dimension has a tendency families and whatnot. Shouldn’t into the club and sat at the bar next ing, and I watched them get sloppi- to warp and stretch when faced this look at least somewhat suspi- to “Boy Band” Paul. I bought a er and sloppier. I was anxious to with the power of ruckus! We all cious? Let the ruckus roll! I pulled When I halt the ruckus one of the hockey-hairs yells out, "YOU'RE ALL FAGS!" Fuckinay! I'm starting to feel alive! beer and he informs me that I’m a see what kind of borderline passed piled into the van and headed to the on the head and figured I should performer and I should get drink out early-Replacements type set after bar party at Josh Mosh’s Fast quickly get to it before someone tickets, so who am I to disagree? they would spill onto the audience. Castle. A few attendees talked the decides to stop the gig. There I was, He hails the already unhappy bar- They assumed the stage, picked up Chicken into some early morning in San Pedro, California, perform- tendress and tells her that I’m one their instruments and babbled a bit ruckus. I chose the laundry room, I ing like some sort of weird-ass in- of the bands and she hands me a with slurred words and drunken think. That’s where the photos say house band in JACK IN THE string of drink tickets. I start really smiles. I was fully expecting chaot- it happened. The photos also show BOX! For me it was a moment enjoying the show. The first band ic drunken slop rock. From note the Chicken pounding out his frozen in time. It felt so right. To were somewhat rockin’ in a some- one till the end of their set I was chaotic scriptures right next to the top it off, while we all exited with what rockin’ sort of way. I put my completely blown away. They were CAT FOOD! ROCK! The photos the chicken kit the staff hollered tickets to use. Tiltwheel continued 110% dead-on solid! They com- also show Matty Awesome rolling out, “Is that it? No more?” It’s a drinking. The next band, the Giant pletely rocked this chicken and around in front of the Chicken, and wiggly world. We walked one Haystacks, held my interest with made it look almost effortless. finally the Chicken rolling around block down and found a fine look- their Minutemen meets Gang of They must have been so legally in his own drumset. Ruckus be with ing street corner with a stoplight. Four brand of rock and roll may- drunk that they might’ve been us. Green means go, but red light hem, and I’ll be damned if that damn close to legally dead, yet means captive audience! I rocked wasn’t George Hurley assaulting their wall of rock hit me like a cin- Dinghole Report #46: my ruckus for two red lights on the the skins! Tiltwheel started moving der block to the forehead. They Ruckus on 4th Street! street corner, pointing out passing their gear onto the stage area, while were the eye of the storm in San (Rhythm Chicken sighting #….) cars and getting loads of honks and drinking. Diego that night. Various audience hollers. San Pedro was taking a lik- members were whipped up into a The next morning Todd, ing to my Wisconsinist ways. Then, Dinghole Report #44: Chaser’s frenzied ruckus so much that they Megan, and I woke and moped I kept seeing the Payless Shoe Ladies Room Arena Rock! started grabbing at the large pool around in a haze for a few hours. Source up the street and thought to RHYTHM CHICKEN (Rhythm Chicken sighting #…..) table light above the band, effec- The Tiltwheel boys already had myself, “Hmmmm, don’t think I tively ripping it out of the ceiling gotten us all breakfast burritos and ever played a shoe store before!” This was the only real punk and the whole room went dark. were preparing to head out on yet While we were heading up to the show appearance during the Okay, I figured that now they had another tour. “Boy Band” Paul was store, my eyes caught a little Southern California leg of my tour to start getting sloppy, but nope. preparing by cleaning his pants. We Winchell’s donut shop and I was so I wanted to make it count. I had They continued rocking just as said our farewell salutations to the sold. The little indoor area in front to play in the ladies’ room! Where hard and no one could see any- mighty Tiltwheel and their gang as of the counter was only about twice else would it seem any more appro- thing. I quickly ran to grab the light Todd, Megan, and I headed up to as big as the Chicken kit. Perfect! priate? I set up in the corner of the above the entrance in the other San Pedro to keep our ruckus The punks filed in to set up their femalien shitter and the door was room and plugged it in holding the rolling. We rolled up 4th Street and parts of the kit and then watched propped open. I took one last pull light as high above my head and the found the 4th Street Punk House from outside. The girl behind the off my beer and pulled on the band as I could, simply because I with all the punks hanging out on counter just looked on, confused Chicken head before breaking out wanted to witness the rest of their the porch. Still in my Ed Gein shirt, and perhaps a little scared. The the opening drum roll. The wings blazing set. Damn, these guys I set up at the end of their little Chicken head went on and soon the went up and the house went nuts! I could rock! After many encores, walkway and rained Wisconsin donut racks were vibrating to was ready. They were ready. they finally ended their divine rock rock on their abode. The porch-sit- my………….. DONUT SHOP KABANG! Using the girlie’s toilet and continued drinking. This is the ters cheered and soon had a beer in ROCK! I didn’t even get busted by as my drum throne (the only one punk. my hand. God bless punk house a “rookie cop!” Okay, that was bad. more deserving than the official And so RR-Day came to an hospitality! Anyway, there was something aes- wooden Grabass Charlestons back- end. It started with the Rhythm thetically pleasing about my riot rock in the little glass donut hut. While we all hauled off with the kit, Todd kindly purchased a donut. Tiltwheel were probably on the highway somewhere, drinking.
Dinghole Report #48: Ruckus at Point Fermin! (Rhythm Chicken sightings #….,…, &….)
We all trekked down to the shore for some oceanside ruckus. In an area known as Point Fermin, we found a biker bar called Walker’s Burgers with plenty of Harleys parked out front. While setting up amongst the motormonsters facing the front door, a tall, road-worn biker lady came out to ask exactly what it was I thought I was going to do. I said, “Just a one minute rock show?” She looked at the drumset amongst her customers’ Harleys, rolled her eyes, and said, “Okay. You’ve got one minute and you’re on the clock starting NOW!” As soon as I pulled on the Chicken head she became a little more light- hearted and went back inside. Her clientele roared for the show as my High volume ruckus rock caused ripples in the thick black La Brea Tar Pits... roadie army roared from behind. As we were carrying the Chicken kit to vacation photo albums the Rhythm ruckus to LA. First Todd and I here’s a group of punks hauling a the next gig, a member of my mili- Chicken is in around the world. I picked up our friend Russ before drumset through the park contain- tia overheard the quote of the tour. wonder how many family vacation we headed to Molly Malone’s to ing the tar pits and setting them up Some bystander yelled to someone albums Pearl Jam are in? I com- meet up with Jim “Money” Ruland in front of the largest, most impres- else, “Hey, there’s some defiant menced the ruckus and the gather- and his girlfriend Noel. A fine sive tar pit, the one with the statue drumming going on over there!” ing crowd took photos, albeit some- breakfast of beer and french fries of the woolly mammoth getting Holy shit! DEFIANT DRUM- what confused. The friendship bell was had until the remainder of this stuck in the tar. No security arrived. MING! Ain’t I an ausgeflippter! rock show was a smash hit. I fin- day’s roadie army arrived. Kid No one questioned a thing. I Nearby in the park we saw the large ished up and stood valiantly with Kevin, Rawl, Kobe, and Troy from assumed my wooden throne and outdoor amphitheater stage empty, my wings in the air feeling the cool San Pedro all took the day off to started playing yet another one of just begging for some defiant ocean breeze. So this is California. join the Chicken traveling ruckus my most monumental gigs. drumming! Using science to my show around LA. The troops were Pedestrians gathered around. More advantage, I roughly calculated the We said farewell to the 4th at hand and it was time to unleash cameras came out. My high volume focal point on the stage under the Street punk crew and made our way the rock. We started with an early ruckus rock caused ripples in the concert shell to yield maximum towards Highland Park to finally afternoon gig in Molly Malone’s. thick black tar pits while it echoed Chicken volume. There were rows settle in at Razorcake HQ. We The audience consisted of my mili- around the entire park nestled and rows of empty seats, except for stopped at the Food 4 Less where I tia, the bartender, one old guy and amongst a downtown business dis- the first row with a few of my mili- got the necessary ingredients to cre- one Greg-Allman-looking fucker. trict. An old man scooted past in his tia relaxing to enjoy the concert. I ate my first-ever California version Perfect! I pulled on the head and let little old man scooter. All this chaos rolled out some thunder as my of Rhythm Chili. I marveled at the my Chicken rhythms fill the club. and mayhem occurred totally rhythms emanated outward over coolness of being able to buy cactus The bartender cleaned some glass- unchecked. After tearing down a the park and down the shoreline. A paddles. Wisconsin has deep fried es. The old guy watched in a some- few of my militia members were few passers-by and families in the cheese curds. California has cactus what drunken haze. The Greg- rolling along on their skateboards park halted their activities to enjoy paddles. What did disturb me was Allman-looking fucker refused to and suddenly, out of nowhere, we RHYTHM CHICKEN the rock assault. Less than an hour that Pabst is a Wisconsin beer, the watch. My roadie army cheered and heard whistles and a couple securi- ago I was playing in Winchell’s pride of Milwaukee no less, where clapped. Somewhere nearing ty dudes came down hard on my donut shop and now I was on the I can usually pick up a case for Portland, Tiltwheel were cracking roadies. NO SKATEBOARDING! big stage! Being a native of the around eleven bucks, and yet here open some fresh ones. Okay, so drumming quite loudly in immediate neighborhood, Rawl in LA I was able to get the same a Chicken head in front of the main directed us to the prime spot for a case for an astounding $8.99! This Dinghole Report #50: Chicken tar pit is all fine and dandy, but Chicken gig, the Korean Friendship truly defies logic. We settled in at Rocks the La Brea Tar Pits! harmlessly rolling along on a skate- Bell. I had never seen a friendship Todd and Megan’s, where we (Rhythm Chicken board is a crime against G.W., Big bell before, and was informed it instantly started assuming quality sighting #……) Brother, and apple pie? Now I was the site of a big scene in the control over the case of Pabst. know. movie Usual Suspects. The tourists Tomorrow the Chicken was going In three different cars, we all gathered around the large structure to rock Hollywood! Somewhere up somehow met up outside the park Dinghole Report #51: already had their cameras out when north, Tiltwheel continued drink- containing the La Brea Tar Pits. Knock, Knock, Knocking the group of punks carried a drum- ing. Now, to you Californians this may on Disney’s Door! set up the stairs and positioned it be just another tourist stop, but to (Rhythm Chicken sighting #….) directly in front of the bell. I pulled Dinghole Report #49: Cockles this Wisconsinite it was the mysti- on the head and I could already and Ruckus at Molly Malone’s! cal La Brea Tar Pits that Bugs We all met up at the next high hear the cameras going off. At this (Rhythm Chicken sighting #….) Bunny was always trying to find profile venue: the new, warped- point I grinned under the Chicken The next morning we gathered until he took that wrong turn at chrome fronted Disney Concert head, thinking of how many family our senses and headed out to bring Albuquerque! This was BIG! So Hall. While setting 37 up on the sidewalk in front of this Dinghole Report #54: Chicken My chaos rock echoed around the Rhythm Chicken on the Milwaukee monstrous architectural night- Rocks Pink’s While Tiltwheel large entranceway and the people FOX news, until now. mare, a few dorky college guys on Still Drinks! gathered around. I pounded the We bid farewell to our San the steps said, “Just go for it!” I (Rhythm Chicken sighting #…) Chicken skins, flailing about, giv- Pedro infantry. Todd, Russ, and I took their advice and just “goed” ing it my all. Once again, my made our way back to Razorcake for it. I gave the pedestrians, the This day’s entire roadie army ruckus was playing the big stage! HQ where I started working on my traffic, and the concert hall securi- agreed that the Rhythm Chicken FINALLY, someone, somewhere Rhythm Chili. Tonight’s Rhythm ty one hell of a dose of my ruckus. HAD TO play to the line of folks in decided this wasn’t supposed to Chili was a special California vari- I thought that homeland security front of the famous Pink’s Hot happen in a place like this. One ant for it included finely chopped would surely be silencing the gig Dogs. This was like a dream come security guy approached my stage cactus paddles. Mr. Designated in no time flat. I halted and true, which is surprising since I’ve and tried to communicate with Dale stopped by for a quick visit accepted the applause and cheers before he took off for New York. I of the gathering crowd. I contin- was honored to shake paws with ued rolling out the thunder and him and stunned to see how much halted again. Cheers. One more he resembled Milwaukee Chicken round of ruckus rock and I felt the roadie Ruckus O’Reilly! Later, show had come to a successful mild-mannered Jeff Fox joined us finish. Once again, no harass- and Megan came home from work. ment, no long arm of the law, no Many Pabsts were had while the discrimination. Was California Rhythm Chili simmered precari- REALLY this laid back? Jeez! ously. Later, we all settled down for thick, heart-stopping doses of my Dinghole Report #52: Wisconsin-style chili with the slight Chicken Salutes Olivera Street. California variant. All in attendance (Rhythm Chicken sightings smiled and Razorcake HQ soon was #… & ….) Ruckus Inside Jack in the Box in need of better ventilation! Thank you, good night! Across from Union Station is never heard of Pink’s before! Hot Troy, who was sitting in front of my this small ped-mall area com- damn, let the ruckus commence! bass drum, holding the Rhythm On my final full day in LA, the memorating the first Spanish set- The line of people outside the Chicken sign. Troy rightly ignored Rhythm Chicken was able to relax. tlement in LA, or some other sim- establishment watched in mild the man. Then a SECOND security Todd and I made a quest to get as ilar historical significance. After anticipation while my militia set up fellow approached and grabbed my close to the Hollywood letters on finding a large statue of some my stage on the corner of the build- arm. End of show. The funny part the hill as we could to take a few conquistador, we set up at its feet ing. Then on went the head and on was that he never told me to stop, photos to make my mother hen and I let loose some authentic the ruckus rolled! My ears were he just told me I had to turn it down happy. Later in the day, I joined Bohemian Wisconsin rock. As my flapping about tastily and my drum- a couple notches! Well, I’m sorry Todd to a Highland Park town thunder rhythms echoed around sticks were flying around like two sir, but the Rhythm Chicken turns it meeting to discuss the nature of the the site, more people turned their turgid kielbasas! I raised my wings down for NO ONE! We gathered up skatepark they are planning to heads and started to flock near. and was met with riotous applause. the kit and moved on up Hollywood build. That night a few more guests The gig rocked on and the people Another rock solid-dose of ruckus Boulevard. About a half block up stopped by and I made them all in attendance were enlightened. and they were yelling and hollering the boulevard we stopped in front watch the movie Drop Dead One male audience member was yet again. One snappily dressed fel- of the Metro Rail subway entrance- Gorgeous so they could enjoy the overheard commenting, “Rhythm low in the front of the line was tak- way. I set up and sent my high-vol- good thick Midwest accent. Many Chicken, huh? Nothing wrong ing photos with his cell phone! Ah, ume rhythms down into the under- Pabsts later we were asleep. with that!” Ruckus be with you, what a modern world we live in. world! Another crowd gathered Early Wednesday morning, sir! We all retreated to the nearby Inside Pink’s the wieners were around and cheered the Chicken on Todd drove me and my Chicken churro stand where we feasted on twitchin’. for more. This time, a Metro Rail head back to the Burbank airport. It these tasty delights. I enjoyed my security dude approached the was all over too soon. Soon I was churro so much I felt it was fitting Dinghole Report #54: Chicken and ended the show. He airborn to Dallas, and again to to serenade the lady working the Hollywood Attacked! then informed me that if I kept the Milwaukee. Lord Kveldulfr met stand. The Rhythm Chicken (Rhythm Chicken sightings gig on the far side of the stars on the one ragged and fatigued Chicken at rocked the Disney Concert Hall #…,…,…, &…) sidewalk it was fair game! We the airport. We started shopping for and a churro stand all in the same moved the traveling ruckus circus our trip to Kansas City. We were to hour! Have I no mercy? Jim and Noel had to get along to the next street corner, Hollywood depart in mere hours. No rest for so we said our farewells. Now the and Highland. I was set up on the the wicked Chicken, indeed. Dinghole Report #53: Chicken’s roadie army was corner and let my ruckus flow to the Unfortunately, the KC leg of the Chinatownland Means trimmed down and ready for a public. Cars honked, cameras were tour will have to wait till nest time. RHYTHM CHICKEN Ruckus at Hand! guerilla rapid-fire assault on the going off, people cheered, and good Okay, Francis and Sicnarf. I (Rhythm Chicken sighting #…) land below the Hollywood hills! merriment was had by all. Then I guess I can let you loose now. My crew and I all converged just up spied the Guinness Book of Todd knew of this amazing the street from Mann’s Chinese Records Theater across the inter- —The Rhythm Chicken unties his spot for a Chicken gig in the Theater, the first victim in this section and thought it would be a friends and removes their gags— Chinatown area. It was directly ruckus blowout finale. I scouted out fine closing gig. We hauled our adjacent to the famous old Hong the area and found the most optimal stage to the entranceway to the the- [(HOLY SHIT! NEW RUCKUS! Kong Café, and it was a fenced in spot for my stage, directly in front, ater where I performed on top of HIP-HIP-HUR- area containing large white letters dead center. There were guided some new sidewalk stars. A few RAAAAAAAYYYY!!!! – F.F. & spelling out “Chinatownland.” tours going on all around. There pedestrians stopped to enjoy my Dr. S.)] Perfect! The Rhythm Chicken were fake actors dressed up as ruckus. My roadie army cheered. I rocked out another Earth-shatter- Superwoman and Bruce Willis pounded out my final California Somewhere, right now, ing concert to the chicken militia milling about, signing autographs. rhythms and then knew when Tiltwheel continues drinking. and the folks running the little There were TONS of tourists and enough was enough. I stood and trinket stand next door. much foot traffic. The time had bowed to the entire state. Someone –The Rhythm Chicken Somewhere, Tiltwheel continued come. My kit was set up on the from across the street yelled out, drinking. walk of fame, just two stars away “Rhythm Chicken!” and, as it [email protected] from Michael Jackson’s. I wasted turned out, it was a Milwaukee res- www.rhythmchicken.com no time and cut right to the ruckus. ident who had only seen the 39
“Don’tcha come dishin’ out no scraps to me!” The Triggers It’s a funny thing about hardcore; it ting it more than right. Most of these Mike: How did you all meet up and decide is one of the most overused, misunder- bands are as good, if not better, than to start Career Suicide? stood, and misrepresented musical many of the original bands. They take Martin: Career Suicide actually formed terms there is. There is never a shortage the strengths of the original bands and without any of its current members. It was of sub-genres to latch on to the term and bypass the weak shit. forged out of a band that I sang in called most of ‘em stink. My favorite form of You can add Career Suicide to the Fuck Jonah. While I moved to the west hardcore is and has always been what I top of that list. I have been in love with coast for six months, the remaining mem- call original style hardcore. Fast, catchy, this band ever since the first side of the bers of the band formed Career Suicide. short, and simple. If it is Minor Threat, instant classic hardcore punk Sars EP Jonah: Martin and I had known each other Negative Approach, Zero Boys, or any- (Deranged Records) blew out of my for a year or two before I joined Career thing that has fallen off that tree, then I speakers. I have gone on to pick up the Suicide, but I had never met Eric (original can dig it. It is seemingly such an easy self-titled 7” on Kangaroo and the great drummer) or talked to Noah (original bass thing to play and write, but eight out of LP on Ugly Pop. Career Suicide just gets player) all that much. I filled in for their ten hardcore bands can’t seem to get it everything right. I was excited as hell to absent guitar player (Marky Rodentpesci) right. It is far too easy to fall into tune- get the chance to interview this one day and the first “functioning” line up less thrash – insanely fast, no hooks, Canadian hardcore powerhouse and of Career Suicide was born. I think it was short for short’s sake. Much like blue- here is the interview with singer Martin the wrong choice, though. All of the mem- grass and blues, there is a template, and and guitarist Johah. They make good bers who have left Career Suicide have working within that and still keeping it records. Finding records like these is gone on to be successful somehow. Eric interesting is challenging and far from the reason that I still invest way too was a mountie and now he owns his own easy. However, when it hits right, there much time and money on hardcore record store. Noah is a big shot TV produc- is nothing like it: a punch in the face records. The payoff is incredible when er and Mark is on his way to becoming an that you want. The past few years have you get your hands on a killer hardcore underwear model. seen a rash of great, original-style hard- record after purchasing several over- Mike: What bands had you all played in core bands. After a decade and a half of hyped thrash ones. Keep your eyes before? boring bullshit, great bands like Out peeled for upcoming releases, including Jonah: I did a brief jog with Martin and the Cold, Dead Nation, Real Shit, Amdi a split LP with garage punk band Jed Juice (our current drummer) in Bored Of Petersens Arme, Out Of Vogue, Tear It Whitey from Australia. Education years back and saw mild recogni- Up, and more have come on strong, get- Martin: It’s hard to ever gauge the longer one to Europe. Our daily lives tion in the Juice-fronted Scare Tactic but state of Toronto hardcore/punk prevent us from touring, really. We all things didn’t really start to pick up until because it is so inbred. To an out- have other commitments outside of Career Suicide formed. Also, my twin sider it may seem that there are a music so sometimes it’s hard to find brother plays in Fucked Up. great number of bands from this the time to even practice, let alone Martin: As Jonah mentioned, circa 2000- area, but I can only think of very travel across a country. I go to school 2001 we played together in the city’s most few, if any, which don’t share their full time, as does Jesse (drummer), annoying band, Bored Of Education. We’d members. This in and of itself is and Miller (bass player) lives in play mostly improvised sets of snotty likely no different than most other Ottawa so it’s hard to get us all togeth- power violence that lasted forty-five min- cities, however Toronto also seri- er. I do really want this band though, utes on average and usually ended with us ously lacks a younger crop of kids. so I have no trouble making time for naked and attacking the crowd or threaten- Due to a variety of regional laws lim- most any endeavor that we decide to ing them at gun point. That really hap- iting access to bars and live music undertake. pened. Between originals, we’d alternate venues by minors, kids often don’t Martin: Plus, I basically detest every- between Diana Ross and ‘80s hardcore have an opportunity to check out live one in the band. songs, all the while claiming they were bands and rarely get heavily involved Jonah: We do have big plans for touring, covers of local mosh metal bands which in quality punk and hardcore. though. Most relevant would be a more plagued our city at the time. This band Mike: What was the response when extensive tour to the United States, then disbanded, but Jesse and I were able to you first started playing out? How back to Europe, over to Japan, and our reach even lower depths when forming has it changed since? last tour ever will be to Hawaii. Fuck Jonah. Needless to say, the past his- Jonah: Well, our first show had a Mike: How did you record your full- tory of the members of Career Suicide is great response, which made things length LP, how long did it take, and quite forgettable. look bright for the future. But it def- what are some things you might do dif- Mike: What did you want to do different- initely got worse before it got bet- ferently next time? ly with Career Suicide than you had in Jonah: It was recorded at a place previous bands? called Audiolab, which is literally a Jonah: I was always the whipping boy in laboratory. Dr. Hegge does sound previous bands and I mean that literally. experiments on convicted felons and “Hey Falco, turn down your amp. You’re we got a grant from the Canadian Penal stepping on my leads!” and then, smash, System to record there. We’ve actually I’d get it. Or it would be like, “Do thirty done every record there, but without push ups before I take a shit on your back,” the government money. We’re always then, crash, I’d get it again. In Career changing equipment and guitars, but Suicide, I am more on a torturer trip than the hopefully we can establish a “Career tortured. Suicide Sound” that will be present Mike: What were your plans for the band in throughout all our future records. When the beginning? you look at a review of say, the third Martin: Considering the massive aversion ter. We were never really prepared to record some famous punk band has to our previous musical incarnations, you play live and the audiences kind of done, often it will read, “Still good and can imagine we didn’t have high hopes for hated us and thought we were boring has that great (blank-blank) sound.” Career Suicide. I can safely say that the and shitty. A few people had faith in us, That’s what I want to do differently. only intention and motivation behind mak- but for the most part, it was pretty neg- Mike: What music do you all listen to ing music for us is to have a good time. I ative. Now we have improved a whole when you need a break from fast and don’t mean to make this a “humble begin- lot and have received a heap of interna- loud? nings” speech, but you get the idea. tional attention, so most of these jerks Jonah: A lot of oldies, hit parader music Jonah: I wasn’t really around in the very, are singing a different tune. We’re still from the early ‘50s, early jazz and Latin very beginning, but I think the plans were not so hot on the outskirts of town, but music, Back From The Grave/Garage to just “be a band.” The opportunity arose in Toronto and outside of Ontario and Punk Unknowns/Nuggets/Pebbles-type to release records and tour so we took Canada, people seem to like us a lot. stuff and a bunch of ‘60s pop music. them, but there was never any set scheme Mike: How did you hook up with Martin: A lot of our musical tastes are that we intended to follow. Kangaroo Records in The Netherlands informed by pre-punk music, and I would Mike: What was the state of the hardcore for the 7” single? like to think that shows through in Career scene locally when you started up? Martin: Just a lucky coincidence, I Suicide to some degree. When turning the Jonah: It was okay. It seemed that a lot of guess. A few years ago I was in radio to an oldies station there are few new bands were forming and becoming Amsterdam for about half a day, wait- songs I couldn’t sing along to. I’m also more popular, so I’d say when we started, ing on a connecting flight and I ended into a lot of ‘60s and ‘70s soul, as well as things were on their way to taking shape. up stumbling into a record store called ‘60s psych-garage. I can’t say there’s For a while there was a sort of unit of Independent Outlet. I became fast much contemporary stuff I listen to local and surrounding area bands that friends with the people who ran the though. When on tour we’ll go from listen- would rotate on playing shows – shop, and through them, I got a demo to ing to Merle Haggard to the Geto Boys to Haymaker, Fucked Up, Career Suicide, Henk, who runs Kangaroo. There Slayer. No Warning, Scare Tactic, Our War – but, seemed to be a number of great interna- Mike: What are your favorite classic and as usual, the whole thing fell apart. Now tional hardcore releases coming out of current hardcore bands? things are seemingly stable and there are Amsterdam, particularly the Out Cold Jonah: My faves of yesteryear are: even some new bands popping up. Check records on Kangaroo, so I was pretty Ramones, The Mad, Germs, Lewd, The out The Choice, The Action, and eager to get demos around. Fix, Zero Boys, Bad Brains, Poison Idea, Terminal State. Mike: How much touring have you done, and do you have plans to do Gang Green, and Reagan more? Jonah: We’ve done two major tours. One short tour to the U.S. and one 45 Youth, but there are a million more. but I’ve recently picked up some decent to understand that despite the fact that it Currently, there is not all that much I would indie rock stuff. The Decemberists were turned out to be our third official release, it call my “favorite” but I’ve been into Direct great live. was actually our first studio recording. Control from Richmond, who are excellent; Mike: Do you think it is harder being a Unfortunately, it was marred with delays, Born In Hell from Boston; Violent Minds band in Canada compared to maybe the which kept it from being released for nearly from everywhere; the Teenage Rejects U.S.? What are some of the roadblocks you two years. Months before the LP’s release, were pretty much a hardcore band; and run into? we went back into the studio to re-mix and some of those California acts that have Martin: It’s definitely a nightmare every re-record some tracks, which definitely popped up the last couple of years – time we prepare to cross the border. We freshened the sound. I am happy with the Annihilation Time, Knife Fight, and Street sink a ton of money in printing shirts, get- LP and I think it’s got some of our Trash. Also, the Danes have produced some ting extra records to sell, renting a van, tak- strongest songs. But, my favorites are still good records in the past while – Amdi ing time off from work and school, only to the Sars EP (Deranged Records) and the Petersens Arme, Young Wasteners, Gorilla face the possibility that some border guard self-titled EP. Funnily enough, maybe my Angreb, and recently, No Hope For The is having a bad day and decides to turn us absolute favorite is still our first demo Kids. away on a whim. Luckily, we have been that’s available in 12” format on the Martin: The usual shit… The Fix, Black able to slip by the last few times we’ve Toronto Omnibus compilation. Flag, Koro, Angry Samoans, Radio attempted entry to the states. That’s about Mike: What are your current plans as far as Birdman, Pagans, Ramones, Adolescents, the only drawback and it is really out- recording? and Urban Waste. As far as current bands, weighed by the benefits. Hell, we usually Martin: We’ve recorded eight songs for a the last few records I played included don’t have to drive longer than eight to ten split LP with Australia’s Jed Whitey. Those Direct Control, Young Wasteners, Fucked hours to play a show, but despite that, tracks have all been mastered and are just Up, Dead Stop, and The Prowl. we’re treated especially well just because being held up by a lack of artwork. I plan to Mike: What are your favorite classic and we come from another country. have the covers and inserts laid out soon current non-hardcore bands? Mike: Are you happy with your full-length and the record will likely see release by Jonah: I don’t think I have a favorite “clas- record and were you surprised by the summer. Otherwise, we’ve already written sic band.” Maybe the Modern Lovers, response to it? songs for another 4-song EP to be released Black Sabbath, or the Dictators? I don’t Jonah: Yes and no. Definitely surprising by a local label, Slasher, for North America really have a favorite current non-hardcore that it sold out within a month or two, but and Even Worse Records for the rest of the band either. I’m not really up on what’s people’s reaction to it wasn’t as surprising. world. happening in modern “music,” but how Most people say they like the LP, but enjoy Mike: What are your future plans for the about that Miss Dynamite song? the 7”s more, which we kind of knew band at this point? Martin: I’d have a hard time picking a would happen. The LP is great for what it is Jonah: A regional tour of convales- favorite classic non punk/hardcore band. though: a pummeling hardcore record. The cent homes and a record deal with Queen is awesome, but I would probably newer stuff is a little more carefully Frontier, Touch and Go, or go for Sam Cooke. As for current music, planned. Subterranean. I’m also pretty ignorant to what’s going on, Martin: For what it is, I think we are defi- nitely as happy as can be about it. You have 47 IndieIndie BooksBooks AlternativeAlternative OptionsOptions inin PublishingPublishing
ArticleArticle byby JimJim ConklinConklin IllustrationsIllustrations byby RobRob RuelasRuelas
Imagine that you’re a writer. An moths control allows them to market, pro- Furthermore, because her father is James unpublished writer with a finished manu- mote and distribute in ways that are impos- Jones, the author of From Here to Eternity, script. You’ve worked for months, proba- sible for the independents. But this kind of she grew up surrounded by the literary life bly years, on this thing and now you want attention is typically only reserved for both in Paris as a child, and later in New to get it published. In the time that you those books and writers that have a proven York. In her interview, Ms. Jones talked spent conjuring up plot, characters and commercial track record. While the big with a frankness and passion that left me images to create your story, you may also houses do publish writers such as the spinning. have been conjuring up images of you recent Nobel Prize winners, V.S. Naipaul As we discussed the plight of the mid- being wined and dined by all of the major (Random House), J.M. Coetzee (Penguin), list writers at the conglomerate publishing publishers. I typically envision myself in and Toni Morrison (Knopf), the majority companies, Jones had this to say: “The the Lost Generation of 1920’s Paris. There of their big-selling books tend to be less mid-list writers are screwed completely. I am chatting and drinking with literary. And the real casualties of the con- There’s no way around this. But what’s Hemingway, Fitzgerald and their editors glomerate presses tend to be their mid-list unsettling is that the big publishers don’t from Scribner’s. Gertrude Stein gently writers. These are the authors who are tell the truth. They don’t say, ‘We don’t touches my arm and whispers, “That book often writing solid literary fiction, but are care about our mid-list writers, we don’t is brilliant. Pure genius.” I smile. Damn, not selling the numbers it takes to be a best care about literature.’ They don’t say that, I’m smart, I think to myself. I’m going to seller. Unfortunately for these writers, the but that’s the truth. They have MBAs be a novelist, I’m going to be rich and I’m new business philosophy of the big New deciding who gets published because of going to hang out with all of these heavy- York presses is to publish a huge amount computer graphics and focus groups. So weights.” But it’s not the 1920’s, of titles, and bank on some of them being when they say they care about literature, Hemingway shot himself, and the chances blockbusters. Those books that produce the that’s what gets me.” of getting rich as a writer are slimmer than big numbers are obviously showered with Jones has good reason to be dissatis- a smoking flapper. Furthermore, the pub- promotion money and attention to sustain fied with her publishing experiences. She lishing industry is not the same now as it their huge sales, but those that do not, the published her first two novels, As Soon As was then. mid-list writers, often have their books go It Rains (1986), and Quite the Other Way out of print very quickly, and are rarely (1989) with Doubleday, her third novel, A Over the past forty years, the given the financial and personal attention Soldier’s Daughter Never Cries (1990) author/publisher relationship has changed that most books require to be a sales suc- with Bantam, her fourth, Celeste dramatically. The changes can be attrib- cess. With over 3500 new books being Ascending (2000) with Harper Collins, and uted, in large part, to the conglomeration published each year and new research stat- finally changed to an independent publish- of publishing houses. In 1965, there were ing that over eighty percent of Americans er, Akashic Press, to publish her latest twenty-seven major publishing houses. neither bought nor read a book in the past novel, Speak Now (2003). At first, her rela- Today, there are five. Prestigious presses year, many, many authors will find them- tionship with Doubleday, before it had such as Doubleday and Knopf have been selves placed as mid-list writers. been taken over by Bertelsmann, was bought out by publishing conglomerates, good. But then a disconcerting pattern and the conglomerates are now comprised What follows are the stories of a num- began. “The day I handed in my second of a number of previously independent ber of people who work in the publishing novel, everybody I worked with at publishers. For example, Random House industry. I interviewed writers, indepen- Doubleday was fired. There was a huge now shares ownership with Doubleday, dent publishers, conglomerate publishers coup. That’s when Bertelsmann bought it. Bantam, Dell, Dial, Villard, Ballantine, and self-publishers, and through their I was inherited by a younger publisher who Knopf, Crown, Times Books, and more. experiences and words, a clearer picture of stayed for a little while and then left. The people who own these conglomera- the publishing world is illuminated. That’s been the story of my publishing life. tions do so because they help to widen and Every single time I’ve changed and gone expand market share, and their ultimate Kaylie Jones, Writer to a new publisher the person who I was goal is to maximize profit on their invest- working with was either fired or left to go ment. However, many people in the pub- Kaylie Jones definitely knows some- to a bigger and better place. There was a lishing and writing industry feel that the thing about the writing life. She has pub- big article in Poets and Writers when my intense focus on profit is having a negative lished five novels, and has helped to open first novel was published, saying that there effect on the publishing of books, particu- the MFA Program in Writing at Long was a common scenario of writers being larly on the publishing of literature. Island University’s South Hampton cam- orphaned by their publishers. When I read The conglomerate presses obviously pus. She became a Writer in Residence in it I said, ‘They’re just exaggerating. It do provide many advantages for some of the NYC public schools after being can’t be that bad.’ And that was in the mid their writers. The cash that these behe- exposed to the poetry of underprivileged eighties. Since then it’s no longer an children at workshops she helped to fund. anomalous nightmare, it’s the norm. It’s put the book out in 2003. This is the kind Jones knows that it will be a long, long what happens to everybody. There’s no of publishing relationship that the writer time before she would ever even consider longer this old-fashioned mentor relation- was looking for. “Johnny’s a really decent returning to one of the conglomerate ship between an editor and a writer. person with the drive to do the right thing. presses. There’s no longer the notion of sticking He’s not doing it to get rich, but to keep a with a writer through thick and thin. No good range of stuff out there. There are a Joe Meno, Writer sense of developing a writer’s career. Now lot of books out there that won’t get picked they buy a book because it’s got a hook up by the big presses, not because they’re At the young age of twenty-four, Joe and they’ll be able to sell it. So if you’re a not good, but because they’re not pigeon- Meno published his first novel, Tender As mid-list writer, which I’m considered, and holeable.” Hellfire, with St. Martin’s Press. When he they think you’re difficult to market, you Another advantage that Jones appreci- was twenty-seven, he published How the can be treated really badly.” ates about her new publisher is Akashic’s Hula Girl Sings, with Harper Collins. Another issue Jones has had with the willingness to stick with their writers. In However, his experiences working with conglomerate publishers is a lack of editor- our interview, she juxtaposed the experi- conglomerate publishing houses left him ial voice. She said that on a number of ence she had publishing her last book with disgruntled. “It had become very clear to occasions, her editors have asked her to Bantam. “Celeste, came out in the spring me how corporatized the major houses “sex your books up, shine them up a little.” and there was a flurry of very good have become,” he told me. “They are not Her most recent novel, Speak Now tells the reviews from People, Entertainment so interested in telling stories. They want story of a meth-amphetamine dealer who Weekly and a few other places. The book capital. This whole industry has turned into stalks a woman who works at a halfway got a lot of attention and it sold very well producing work for the least common house for battered women. When Jones for a few months, and then bang, it was denominator, which isn’t what writing fic- brought the manuscript to one of the big gone. With Akashic it’s been constant. tion is about to me.” publishers, the editor suggested some They keep going and going. They never Joe Meno is not naïve. His day job has rather major changes. “My editor said, ‘I put you out of print. The book is always him teaching creative writing at Columbia think you should make the male character available. Even if it’s not up front in the College in Chicago, and for years, he a tits and nose plastic surgeon. It’s just bookstore, people still ask for it. Sales start worked nights as the lead singer and guitar glitzier and more interesting, and I think to go up. It’s a slow build and people start player for the punk band, The Phantom
SalesSales departmentsdepartments atat thethe bigbig publishingpublishing houseshouses wantedwanted booksbooks theythey hadhad seenseen beforebefore -- booksbooks theythey knewknew howhow toto sellsell... TheyThey didndidn'''tt wantwant toto taketake chanceschances sellingselling booksbooks withwith nono ““handlehandle.”.”.” TheyThey shiedshied awayaway fromfrom anythinganything newnew,,, anythinganything theythey couldncouldn'''tt pigeonpigeon--holehole... the female character should be a magazine to pay attention. It’s a different thing. It Three. He speaks with the articulation of editor.” But Jones would have nothing to takes a lot longer, but there’s a kind of an intellectual and the passion of a punk. do with it. “I know eight or nine magazine momentum that builds up slowly, and And when it comes to making decisions editors and I’d rather kill myself than have that’s happened with a lot of Akashic’s about where he will publish his books, anything to do with these people, let alone books.” Meno’s choices seem to be guided by both write a character like that. I said, ‘Thank And some of Akashic’s titles have qualities equally. you so much for your comments,’ and that done conspicuously well. Nina Revoyr’s was the end of that.” Southland was selected for the LA Times’ As a new and unknown writer, Meno Having become completely frustrated Best Books of 2003, among other awards. was initially very pleased to be publishing with the big New York publishers, Jones Tim McLoughlin won Italy’s Premio with one of the big houses. “For about a took her manuscript to the independent Penne Award for his novel, Heart of the month all I did was go to bookstores – at publisher, Johnny Temple, at Akashic Old Country. And Daniel Chavarria’s The the time I was still delivering flowers – Books. The relationship was an immediate Eye of Cybele was long-listed for the 2004 and here I was, published writer.” But his success. Temple loved the book and agreed IMPAC Dublin Literary Award. relationship with his publisher soon began to accept it. With the appropriate revisions With the kind of relationship that to sour. St. Martin’s Press, “had massive made, and a great deal of editorial freedom Jones has built with Akashic, and the qual- distribution problems, resulting in sending for Jones as a writer, Jones and Akashic ity writing that the publisher is putting out, my book out three months late, and because of the lag, chain 49 bookstores automatically sent their copies their fucking hands in every market now, Geary had written Strange Toys. But her back. St. Martin’s also offered no help in are making choices about content, not editor at Harper and Row had retired to promotion.” When Meno prepared to write based on meaning, but based on which will write his own books at that time, so Geary his second novel, he was told he “should make the most money. People like Johnny changed publishers and went to Bantam write a book just like my first, so it would and Dan are setting up presses to put work Books. be easier to position. I didn’t want to and out they feel strongly about, as a response By 1987, Bantam was a large con- my editor there left, and so did I.” to how empty the publishing world has glomerate press made up of Bantam, Meno moved to Harper Collins, but become.” Doubleday and Dell. Geary became inter- things didn’t get much better. Although Meno’s new book is due out in ested in Bantam when they proposed pub- they were more helpful in acquiring some September. The author has been very lishing Strange Toys in their new literary press and reviews for the book, ultimately pleased about his relationship with Punk trade paperback line. The publishers Meno was disappointed about the relation- Planet. “It’s amazing,” he says. “Today promised a beautifully produced book and ship. “They were all set to do a paperback, I’m going to the photo shoot for the book heavy promotional backing from the press. I had gotten some great reviews for Hula cover. Dan and Johnny asked, ‘What do Geary was thrilled. Girl, but then my editor quit, and the book you want for the cover?’ No one ever But then something strange happened went out of print.” asked me that before. They worked out the in the halls and offices of Bantam. Late And the problems did not stop there. release for September so I could tour and one night, Geary’s editor had a falling out When Meno submitted an idea for his third they have been supportive in setting up with the director of the new literary line novel, Harper Collins proved less than readings. More than that, they keep thank- that would publish her novel. Because of enthusiastic. It was to be a book based on ing me, like they’re grateful to be working this personal dispute and office politics, the true story of growing up punk on with me, which is a complete turnaround. the head of the new literary line dropped Chicago’s south side and a study in racial Their hearts are in it, you know, it’s not a all of the editor’s writers, including Geary. intolerance. It would focus on the events job to them, it’s what they love.” But luckily Geary had a contract with ItItIt wasnwasnwasn'''ttt exactlyexactlyexactly thethethe RamonesRamonesRamones atatat CBGBCBGBCBGB'''sss,,, butbutbut thethethe audienceaudienceaudience lovedlovedloved ititit surrounding a Chicago high school’s seg- Patricia Geary, Writer Bantam that ensured her book would be regated prom in 1992. However, editors at Like Joe Meno, Patricia Geary is a published within two years. With the hope Harper Collins found the material to be too professor. Unlike Meno, she doesn’t play of her novel being published by Bantam’s controversial and asked Meno to alter his guitar in a punk band. Instead, she decided literary line crushed, the publisher printed plans. Shocked by his publisher’s unwill- to pursue quieter interests by teaching her book under their science fiction ingness to tackle important and controver- yoga, and creative writing at University of imprint. Geary was not pleased. “The book sial topics, Meno had some thinking to do Redlands. However, don’t let the image of wasn’t science fiction at all. If you had to about who would publish his next book. serenity overtake this picture. While Geary categorize it, I guess you could call it con- So what did Meno do? He decided to is definitely a kind, calm and eloquent temporary fantasy.” But, essentially, leave Harper Collins and submit his new woman, she didn’t hesitate to voice her Geary’s writing is literary fiction with ele- novel, Hairstyles of the Damned, to Punk opinions about her experiences in publish- ments of magical realism. Her publishers Planet Books, an imprint of Johnny ing. would be targeting the wrong reading mar- Temple’s Akashic Books in New York In 1982, Geary published her first ket. City. He had heard that the editors, Temple novel, Living in Ether, with Harper and But once again, strange events and Dan Sinker at Punk Planet, were com- Row. At the time, Harper and Row had not occurred. Despite Strange Toys not being mitted to publishing quality fiction, regard- yet been taken over by the Harper Collins “science fiction” one of the judges of the less of the market, and the profit and loss conglomerate. It was still functioning pri- Philip K. Dick award for science fiction reports. As their website notes, Akashic marily as a literary publisher with a small loved Geary’s writing and she was award- Books is “dedicated to publishing urban office and a highly literate and dedicated ed the prize in 1987. But winning the prize literary fiction and political nonfiction by staff. Geary was thrilled with her experi- had both positive and negative effects. authors who are either ignored by the ence there. “My relationship at Harper and In the short term, the award supplied mainstream, or who have no interest in Row was very personal. I could meet with Geary with some much appreciated public- working within the ever-consolidating my editor and work with him for three ity and acclaim. But in the long term, it ranks of the major corporate publishers.” days. He was always very careful and very had less benign consequences. Because “Johnny and Dan are not doing what interested. At the time that Living in Ether Bantam liked Geary’s writing, they bought they do to simply make more money,” came out, I went to New York to meet my the rights to Living in Ether from Harper Meno states. “Neither am I. It seems their editor at Harper and Row and it wasn’t a and Row, and republished that book and goals and expectations are aligned very very big office. I met everyone working Strange Toys in their science fiction line. closely with mine. there, they gave me copies of their new Not surprisingly though, Geary’s literary “An independent house can take risks, books that were coming out, and my editor novels did not fare particularly well being in form, content, style, all the things that invited me over for dinner that night. It marketed as they were. “I actually have a make writing interesting. The corporations was very cozy. The whole experience had decent sized fan base that followed me can’t do that. They have to let the market a literary presence.” from one publisher to the other, but there’s make those choices. But you don’t write a Geary’s debut novel went over well. such a difference between a big, beautiful book as a response to the market, or I don’t However, when Geary produced her sec- literary hardback as opposed to an airport think you should. This same thing is hap- ond novel, her editor at Harper and Row mass market paperback. It’s normally two pening in music, film, TV, these major was not satisfied. So Geary went back to totally different groups of readers.” media companies, which have work to produce another book. By 1987, Unfortunately for Geary, her publish- 50 er’s mismarketing left the readers who wanted to read her literary prose unable to find it, and those who wanted science fic- tion disappointed to discover that her writ- ing was more literary. The pigeonholing of her books as something they were not left Geary in a publishing no man’s land. When she presented Bantam with her third novel, Geary’s editor said that it was unmarketable because it wasn’t science fiction. The problem, of course, is that Geary doesn’t write science fiction. She then took her new novel to a number of the other large publishing houses, but heard the same response: “If it’s not science fic- tion, we can’t market it.” Completely frustrated by the situation, Geary stopped trying to publish her novels, focused her attention on teaching creative writing at University of Redlands, and spending time with her family. But she didn’t stop writing. From 1988 to 2001, Geary had written six novels that she hadn’t even tried to get published. “I just gave up,” Geary says. “I just became tired of the whole scene.” But
then Geary was rediscovered. Rob Ruelas, [email protected] Felizon Vidad is a co-founder and edi- tor at Gorsky Press, an independent pub- lishing company in Los Angeles. After re- reading Living in Ether and Strange Toys, Vidad decided it was time to discover what Geary was up to in 2001. When Vidad dis- covered the writer was up to six new books, she knew she was on to something. The editor contacted Geary in Redlands, and a beautiful relationship began. Geary gushes when she talks about her new edi- tor. “Felizon is so smart, she cares, and she reads a lot. You couldn’t ask for a better editor. She addresses everything from the microcosmic aspects, to the whole outlook of the novel. We work really well together.” And together, after thirteen years of having her work go unpublished, the writer and editor put out Geary’s third novel, The Other Canyon, and hope to get Geary’s Geary noticed. “In the small press every- writing. It’s not important to me to make other novels back in print with Gorsky. one is involved in the project, which is: money off of it.” And with that, it becomes Geary was once again happy with her pub- ‘Let’s make this book as good as possible.’ quite evident where one of the major dif- lisher. With the big presses, the editors have to ferences between the conglomerate presses When asked to compare the different pitch their books and they have to argue and the independent presses lie. experiences she had at the different press- for the commercialness of their books – that the book is going to sell. And if they es, Geary said that the conglomerate press- Jeff Fox, Writer, Magazine es, “definitely don’t have the time to spend pick a book, and it doesn’t sell, then with their writers and that was my experi- nobody is going to listen to them about Producer and Self-Publisher ence with Bantam. My editor there was their choices in the future. None of that Jeff Fox is a self-publisher with a really nice, but she didn’t have much time exists in the small presses. Everybody’s sense of humor. He started publishing for me. She gave me some good general involved in making the best book possible fanzines with titles like Maximum Rock suggestions on my book, but she was without it jockeying and competing with and Raoul, and Die Evan Dando Die. putting out dozens, and she just didn’t all of the other editors’ stuff. It really Then, from 1994-1996 he published have the time. I know from a lot of friends comes down to competition at most of the Hollywood Highball Magazine, and from with recent experiences that publishers big presses.” 1998 to the unforeseen future, Fox has want books to show up pretty much ready Competition and the all-mighty buck is been and will be publishing Barracuda to go, and if your book isn’t ready to go, not what Geary is interested in. She states, Magazine. After laughing at Fox’s jokes, I no one has the patience, time or money to “For me, because I’m fortunate enough to quickly realized that he’s not just a funny work with you, unless you’re a big name, have a job where I don’t need to earn all of guy. He also has an extremely solid grasp of course.” my money from writing, I just want books on what’s going on in the publishing Different motivations at the different to be out there for my students and other world, and he’s got both feet planted firm- presses are another key difference that people to read. I just want to produce good ly in reality. When we dis- 51 cussed his initial forays into the publishing are a number of us trying to do a similar but the audience loved it, and the authors arena, I asked if self-publishing was a thing in the independent publishing world. sold some books, got their names and faces response to the way that the conglomerate Instead of trying to just emulate the big out there, and appeared to have a good publishers were operating. “I suppose. But publishers and trying to gear all your mar- time. only in the sense that I started out doing keting into trying to get a big review in the Another way that Temple keeps his zines at the copy shop down the street and New York Times, it has much more to do company afloat is by publishing books that I can’t imagine Conde Nast would have with community and networking between target a specific audience, and marketing been interested in a punk rock parody zine like-minded people in different cities. So them in unconventional ways. Brooklyn that would sell fifty copies of each issue.” we’re trying to foster underground literary Noir is a new crime fiction collection writ- Though Fox enjoys the creativity and communities that can make indie publish- ten by twenty different writers and set in sense of satisfaction of independently com- ing more vital, the way that independent the different neighborhoods of Brooklyn. pleting his projects, he never forgets that music is.” To publicize the book, Akashic is doing publishing is also a business. “Would a big the first ever fifteen-neighborhood book company want to do Barracuda? Unlikely. tour of Brooklyn – a tactic that most of the My idea for a magazine could never gener- big publishers would find undesirable. ate enough money for them to think it was Temple states, “most publishers focus their a profitable business venture – assuming marketing money in places like Manhattan, they even liked the concept, which I doubt Chicago and San Francisco, not places like they would. But that doesn’t mean they’re Brooklyn. But it’s a book that focuses on doing anything ‘wrong’ in terms of that. the people of Brooklyn.” That’s their business model. That’s how Another title that Akashic is putting they do business and I understand that. out is A Phat Death by Norman Kelly. The Anyone who comes up with some crackpot book is a murder mystery that is set in the idea for a magazine and thinks some cor- hip hop music industry and examines poration is just going to bankroll it, like African American politics. Temple some benevolent king, much less bankroll believes that this kind of novel appeals to a it and then let you do whatever you want, number of demographic groups that are not is living in a fairy tale.” often targeted by the big publishers. First, And of course, Fox has a strong point. there is the regular reader who enjoys mur- Whether it’s in magazine publishing or der mysteries. But the book will also book publishing, the owners of the houses appeal to those readers interested in are in the business to make money. This is African American politics, and younger a world that is increasingly driven by capi- readers interested in hip hop. To market talism, and we should no longer be sur- the book and get it in people’s hands, prised that business people put profit ahead Temple is not advertising in the New of art. Disappointed – yes, surprised – no. Yorker or Reader’s Digest, but in The As Fox later stated, this situation is Source and Fader. Furthermore, Akashic is “understandable, but it’s poison to any dropping off copies of the book at beauty kind of creative process.” salons in African American neighbor- hoods. With this kind of “out-of-the-box” Johnny Temple, Writer, thinking, Akashic is selling more books, and continuing their success. Musician, Indie Publisher However, the bottom line is definitely However, there are publishers who are not the only thing Temple takes into con- trying to find a happy medium in the sideration. Railing against the money- money vs. art dichotomy. Johnny Temple, minded ethos of the conglomerates, the publisher of Jones and Meno at Temple says, “I think that as these giant Akashic Press, is one of them. Because companies gobble each other up with Temple does not have the capital to market fewer and fewer titans controlling the his books the way the conglomerates do, A perfect example of this kind of inde- mainstream publishing business, it’s going he has to get creative. And luckily, Temple pendent literary community coming to speed up this process of everything is a creative guy. Since the early ‘80s he together and organizing is Jim Murnoe’s becoming profit focused, which doesn’t has been heavily involved with the music Perpetual Motion Roadshow. On his web- work well with art. It doesn’t work well scene. He’s toured around the world with site, Munroe describes the Roadshow as, with music, and it certainly doesn’t work such bands as Soul Side, Girls Against “an indie press touring circuit, an unholy with literature. There aren’t that many peo- Boys, and is presently playing with Gina combination of a vaudevillian variety show ple who are engaged with excellent quality Gershon. With no previous publishing and a punk rock tour. There’s one loop in literary fiction, for example, so to apply experience, he started Akashic five years the Northeast that goes May-Oct, and one this rigid business model to something like ago, and has enjoyed a healthy amount of run of the west coast between Vancouver literature just doesn’t fit well. But that’s success. and LA during Nov-Apr. Each month, the direction that you see the big compa- Temple says that he’s trying to take three new lively indie performers pile in a nies taking. So I think that the small com- lessons he learned as an early punk musi- car and do seven cities in eight days, doing panies are going to continue. I think it’s a cian to stimulate the independent publish- shows with the bold guarantee: No Boring wonderful time to be an independent pub- ing industry. “Independent music is much Readings or Your Money Back!” lisher, and in the next five years more and more successful and vital than independent At the Roadshow I went to, there were more attention will be paid to the indepen- publishing is. In the very early eighties, two energetic readings of short stories and dent publishers because they’re doing such around 1980, there were no punk networks one audience-interactive short story/ dra- a great job of finding stuff that is being for bands to travel through. Punks and matic masked performance type thing. It ignored.” musicians created those networks. There wasn’t exactly the Ramones at CBGB’s, 53 Richard Marek, Conglomerate to nurture lesser-known writers, and have World According to Garp?’ I asked tremu- lost the patience needed to allow them to lously. ‘How did you know?’ he asked.” Publisher, Indie Publisher improve as writers and to attract a reader- Marek continues, “The fact that Hal Richard Marek has worked in the ship that will support them in the future. was right and I wrong in a commercial world of publishing since 1965. He has Marek says that when it comes to sense isn’t as much the point as the fact worked for a number of large publishing sticking with a new author or book, “the that Hal was there, as the head of a rela- houses, including Macmillan, St. Martin’s, independent publisher can keep a book in tively small, independent house. What if, and Random House. He has served as edi- print, try one approach after another, and like today, there had been only five big tor, editor-at-large, publisher and presi- nurture the book if it is at first a sickly publishing houses? It’s possible, even dent. In 1992 he decided to get a taste of child. The small publisher simply cannot probable, that the book would have been independent publishing. While still work- afford not to go further. A very good nov- published, but books of so delicate a nature ing for Crown Publishing (a branch of elist recently told me that he was going to need more than mere publication. They Random House), Marek decided to run submit his next book to a small press. He need the passion, enthusiasm and whole- Delphinium Books, an independent pub- knew he would get a smaller advance, but hearted dedication Hal brought to Garp’s lisher based out of publication, and in my Brooklyn. He explains: “I worst dreams I see a Hal of was a member of the main- today going to his sales stream until the stream director – who is under became a trickle. I negoti- tremendous pressure to ated huge deals, made huge advance more copies of the paperback sales, was latest Dean Koontz – and responsible for budgets in trying to tell him about the the mega-millions, went to book. The sales manager marketing meetings and might listen. He might sales conferences, puzzled even be caught up in Hal’s over jackets and advertise- enthusiasm. But in the end ments, worried, exalted, he’d say to Hal, ‘I just and became depressed as I can’t advance many copies watched with growing dis- of it. Who could with a may as mainstream pub- title like that?’” lishing moved further and Finally, Marek goes on further from care and nour- to compare the “good old ishment for individual days” of publishing in the books and writers toward ‘60s, to the kind of work the “blockbuster only” phi- independent publishers are losophy that predominates doing today. “In many now. So my true pleasure, ways, the time moonlight- the books that ignited my publishing he knew too that his book would stay in ing for my own independent press, blood, were those I acquired for print far longer and that his work would Delphinium Books, were the happiest Delphinium. Real books. Real writers.” receive the one-on-one attention he had years of my life in publishing. Man, it was While some may suggest that writers’ never gotten from a large house.” fun! Indeed, I used to sneak away early negative experiences with the conglomer- To illustrate his point about big pub- from my Crown office to go into my cubi- ate presses could be dismissed as bad luck, lishing houses, Marek tells a story of when cle at home. For in 1995 I was doing what publishers like Marek suggest that these he was editor-in-chief at Dial Press. “Each I had done thirty years earlier and no episodes are not anomalies. Without the summer I went to the writer’s conference longer could in the mainstream – look for mega-sales to back them up, publishing in Breadloaf, Vermont, to lecture to the talent, edit it, foster it, work closely with houses are hesitant to stick with their mid- students about publishing. One of the fac- the author, worry over every detail. I didn’t level writers. Marek states: “I was being ulty members was a fellow named John have to sell 25,000 copies to make a profit. forced to try to acquire ‘big books’ only – Irving, the author of three well-reviewed I didn’t have to present my ideas to an edi- nothing experimental or new; no but unsuccessful novels, and we struck up torial board that was dominated by a sales ‘unknowns’ unless the subject was truly one of those ardent friendships one some- department.” commercial, nothing that did not have a times experiences at writers’ conferences. And with that, Marek takes us back to potential sale of 25,000 copies.” Sales In due course, I was offered an exclusive the beginning. To the good old days when departments at the big publishing houses shot at his new novel. But because Irving’s publishing still had some finesse, a little wanted books they had seen before – roof had fallen in, he needed an advance of more artistic integrity, and a dedicated per- books they knew how to sell. They didn’t $14,000 immediately to repair it. I had sonal touch. Marek suggests that we don’t want to take chances selling books with no enough clout at Dial to be able to buy such have to go back to the ‘20s, and my imag- “handle.” They shied away from anything a book purely on my say-so – and I turned ined cocktail party with Hemingway and new, anything they couldn’t pigeon-hole. it down. None of John’s earlier books had the rest of his crew. We don’t even have to Unfortunately, Marek notes, “large sold nearly enough copies to warrant such go back to the ‘60s, before the beginning publishers will give up on a book almost an advance and, more importantly, I didn’t of the consolidation of the publishing com- immediately if its advance sales are small like the first chapter. It struck me as show- panies. In order for writers, editors and or if there are quick returns. The big pub- off and too clever for its own good. A publishers to enjoy the integrity and dedi- lisher simply can’t afford to go further. week later, at a party, I ran into a colleague cation that Marek discusses, it’s starting to Too many new titles are clamoring for named Hal Scharlatt, then the Editor-in- look like all we have to do is find an inde- attention; there are too many demands on Chief of EP Dutton Press. He told me he pendent publisher that values time and energy.” And this seems to be had just bought a novel for $14,000 which, those qualities. And it sounds like one of the biggest pitfalls of publishing when finished, would be the most success- it won’t be that hard to do. with big presses. They have lost their will ful book of his career. I winced. ‘The 55 The premise is simple: straight- a nice burrito lunch. Sure, these bands that people wear like badges of honor. ahead, high-energy rock’n’roll. The have the expensive duds, fancy gear, Gone is standard rock posturing and in irony? Most of the bands that wave that found-it-at-Guitar Center’s “hot licks”- its place are five guys ripping you a new flag the hardest, well, they aren’t so seminar guitaring, and pro sneers but one, smiling all the way through their set. good. It’s almost as if they’re waving the they were missing… well, they were Keep your eye on Mike. He’s not afraid white flag of surrender instead of hoist- missing something as serious as heart. to smash down those barriers separating ing a banner that symbolizes fun, true It makes sense, that when I got to sit band and audience. Even with restraints, recklessness, and songs that you want to down with Mike, the Riverboat I don’t think he could sit still during hear so loud you’ll only be satisfied when Gambler’s lead singer, that this band their set. Just check out this issue’s you feel a trickle of blood roll from your was less about rock of the past, and so cover. That’s about seven feet of air ear down your neck. For me, this map much more about backyard parties in between him and the ground. was laid down long ago by the likes of the Denton, Texas and being poor, strange, Who, Black Sabbath, Cheap Trick, and anxious. The more Mike talked, the Mike Wiebe: Vocals AC/DC, and Motörhead. An endless more it made sense that their CD has Freddy Castro: Guitar, Vocals stream of bands have stomped over the remained within arm’s length of my Jessie 3X: Drums, Vocals same ground, but over the last several stereo since its release. The Gamblers Patrick Lillard: Bass years – as will happen with grass if it sees have a healthy admiration of recent and Mark Ryan: Guitar, Vocals an endless stream of foot traffic – noth- current groups you’d be hard-pressed to ing new was seeming to grow out of what hear in their sound, but if you take a Todd: So you have a nickname? was once laid down as heavy and sturdy closer listen, it’s undeniable that they’re Mike: We’re always changing them, like as rocks. If I had a nickel for every band kindred sprits to bands like Toys That the Wu Tang Clan. We’ll probably change that pleaded for ladies’ bras and panties Kill, The Bananas, Hickey, the Chop them on each album. On the next one, I to become magically unfastened and Sakis, and the Marked Men. think it’ll be The Rookie Sensation Mike thrown up on stage due to their sheer Live, the Riverboat Gamblers have Wiebe. rock prowess, I could take everyone been responsible for thousands of beauti- Todd: Were you Teko, is that right? 56 reading this right now out to ful bruises, all across America. Bruises Mike: I was Teko, but that’s another side to my personality, see. and Sweet Relief. I think Eddie Vedder set time, but they kind of gave up on that. Todd: What’s something that someone it up or something like that, weirdly Todd: Where’s the most phenomenal has said about your band that they meant enough, and anybody who’s on the road, if place that people have reported your blood as a compliment but you didn’t take it as a something comes up, you should check ending up at a show? compliment? For example, if somebody into it, ‘cause it’s for all the broke people Mike: In their semen. No, uh… There was said, “Dude, you guys sound exactly like who can’t get insurance ‘cause you’re out some on a ceiling one time. It was pretty Blues Hammer.” touring and stuff like that and can’t get a awesome. I’ve had lots of people come up Mike: I’ve definitely read reviews that real job. They covered some of it, too. and say, “Look! Stains! From You!” And were like, “Seventies cock rock to the We’re still pretty far in the hole, but it’s it’s pretty funny to see the reactions when max!” Anytime redneck is described in good that it’s such a slow process ‘cause you’re bleeding. It’s just like, “Ehh.” I’m there. We hate rednecks. I grew up getting we can pay it off over time. not into like the GG Allin, GWAR thing. my ass kicked by rednecks and I do not Todd: Is it true that he’s going to get sil- It’s never on purpose. I’m not going to want to emulate rednecks in any way. And ver or gold teeth that say “BOO YEAH!” pick something up and cut myself. I have just that cock rock thing, I don’t know right in the front? self-esteem problems, but not that bad. where that’s coming from. Unlike Mike: We’re begging him to. He wants to, Todd: Have you ever been kicked out of a Razorcake, most people aren’t that good at but I don’t think his momma wants him to. venue as a band? reviewing records and a lot of times they We want that. Mike: Yeah, a couple times. It’s usually have a limited frame of reference. I don’t Todd: Do any of you have health insur- sound guys. Now, I always bring my own know how many times we’ve been com- ance? mic. A lot of sound guys are the most anal pared to the Strokes. Seriously, I’ve read Mike: One guy, Mark Ryan, the new gui- retentive, Guitar Center-workin’, long like ten reviews where it said, “For fans of tar player, he might have it. He used to hair-havin’, knowin’ the names of all the the Strokes and the White Stripes.” I actu- work full-time at a group home for retard- equipment dorks, Yngwie Malmsteen-lis- ally like both of those bands, but they have ed people and he was high up. I do that, tenin’ heshers ever. “You do not drop my nothing to do with us. It’s just so left and too, but I’m just like a schlub. He was SM50!” And they always freak out. If a right field, you know? kind of high up, but he unwisely quit to go mic stand gets bent, they’re like, “That’s a Todd: The longer I’m dealing with stuff, touring with us, so I don’t know if any of $200 mic stand!” “Where the fuck are you the more I realize that most people’s frame us have it at all. I used to have it. My folks buying mic stands at? You can get ‘em for of reference only lasts around three years. were helping me out with it for a long fourteen dollars, man.” There were a cou- Mike: And then another weird thing, too, and this happens occasionally, people will be like, “Yeah, you guys were really good tonight, but last time you weren’t. I wasn’t really that into you, but you’ve really got- ten good now.” And I’ll be like, “I thought the show last week was all right.” Todd: Take me through what happened to Pat. Mike: Pat’s the bass player, and we were playing in Thee Parkside. We started into our fun-filled, rock and roll… Todd: Ruckus? Mike: Ruckus, and we were probably like a song or two into it, and I didn’t even really swing the mic real hard. I kinda like throwing it around, ‘cause I kinda feel ner- vous standing still on stage. I think I look dumb. Anyway, I wasn’t paying attention and I kinda threw it back. He was looking up in the air and it just came down perfect, like right on his front teeth. It cracked three teeth way up in the gumline where, if the gums hadn’t been there, they would’ve just fallen out. One of this teeth also got chipped kind of in half to where you could see down in the regular enamel, and that got embedded into his lip. I don’t think it fractured his jaw up there at the top, but it fucked it up real bad. He made it through about four more songs, but he was just swallowing tons of blood and was getting woozy, so we took him to a hospital and spent lots of money on him. We’re still not done. They’re gonna put metal rods in there and put fake teeth in there, but it’s a real slow process, ‘cause the metal rods have to heal and stuff like that. But it cost us tons of money. Thanks to everybody who helped out. Tons of people had bene- fits. People in Sacramento had a benefit for it, and then there’s that Musician’s Aid ple times where it just got real tense at the Todd: We have sources. name that we’re actually going to plug in. end of the night and the sound guys were Mike: I got kicked out of a bar for my Black Boogaz, my rap group that I want to just real aggressive and stuff like that, but karaoke dealings, actually. My Jay-Z “Can start one day. It’s with a “Z,” Boogaz. there’s been a couple where things got real I Get a What-What?” was so fly and so Todd: Are you guys big fans of James nutty and stuff got broken where the sound soulful and I brought such a newness to it, Garner, who was a riverboat gambler? guy was like, “Man, that was so fuckin’ and I think I broke a table when I was doing Mike: Oh yeah, I love him. I love him. It’s cool. I don’t give a fuck. If you guys woul- my rhymes that I got ex-corted out of the weird, he’s on that John Ritter show, and da sucked, I’d be mad, but that was cool. Ex-po that night. Wow, I hadn’t even that’s lame, but yeah, Rockford Files is Let’s go drink. Let’s do shots of Jage.” thought about that in a long time. awesome. [hums theme song] Todd: Have you ever been banned from a Todd: Have you ever been threatened to be Todd: How did you guys get your first place, and now that you’re getting more sued by a fan? record on, essentially, a reggae/ska label? popular, are people inviting you back? Mike: No, but I’ve totally worried about it. Mike: Me and Kris Pierce and Fadi and Mike: I don’t think that’s ever happened. There’s only been a couple times that any- Jesse from the Gamblers, we were in a It’s weird, in Denton there are all these bars body has gotten hurt at all, and one of them punk band with horns but there was never that are owned by the same corporation, was Bryan but now he’s with us, so fuck it. any ska in it. We were really going for and these aren’t bars where we play. I was kind of goofing around on a ceiling Rocket From the Crypt, only we fell horri- They’re just regular bars where you go to fan, and the whole fan just came down and bly short and thank God that band isn’t hang out. I’m kind of fighting with my dol- kind of winged him. The one I felt real bad around. And actually Mark Shaw, who was lar. A bunch of friends and I got banned about was we were playing some show and in Tiltwheel, played in that, too. from one for different incidents, but it’s all there was a pool table, and I was just goof- Todd: What was the name of that band? one corporation, and some Mike: Kid Chaos. Don’t of them, I used to like to look for it. But anyway, go drink at. Some of the this guy, he’s from DC bartenders who do come but he ended up signing to shows are like, “Why like six bands from the don’t you come hang Dallas area, and they out?” “You know why. were all different. He Because your boss is a signed one band called fuckhead, that’s why.” the Paper Chase, who Todd: How much do you were real noise/experi- think Denton has formed what you do? ing around and I hit my head on a light, like mental, and a pop group and an indie rock Because from what I understand, Denton the ceramic pottery around the light, and it group. I don’t really know how that hap- had a fucking awesome house party/ back- broke and cut this girl’s head and I just felt pened. That was kind of a weird deal. We yard scene, and even though it’s not a large so bad. I try to be really careful, especially owe them a record. It’s going to come out population, bands cross-pollinated all the with all that. That would suck. Not just to sometime, maybe this summer. It’s like B- time and it was pretty vibrant for such a get sued, but for somebody to actually get sides, covers, and songs that other people small place. really hurt. She was real cool about it and I wrote for us, which is pretty cool. It’s pretty Mike: It’s so weird that it was so small and was like, “I’ll buy you a beer. I’ll buy you a fun making the record, but I don’t really it had so much going on and Dallas was beer. You want a shirt? You want a CD?” know what’s going to happen with it. When right next door. Dallas is really lame, like There’s been bruises and stuff, but that’s it’s done, I’m going to be real honest in this wannabe LA. Everything that’s nega- probably more like crowds bumping around interviews, like, “It’s a fans-only kind of tive and weird about LA, like all the creepy and stuff. thing.” I mean, I’m happy with it, but it’s stuff, Dallas wants to be that. Like, why Todd: Did you start off being that ener- not our Sgt. Pepper’s. would you aspire to that? But, yeah, we getic? Todd: I read somewhere that at approxi- started in ’97, but for the first three or four Mike: I think it wasn’t quite as energetic. It mately 30% of your shows, someone in the years, we just didn’t really care that much. kind of just grew more and more. band ends up in the emergency room. We were all in four bands and there were so Todd: Do you feed off the crowd? Mike: That’s totally untrue. I think that was many house shows going on. It’s weird Mike: Yeah. When we started out, we were just Gearhead trying to hype up the band. when I go to another town and bands have a little bit more jokey. At that time in our We owe too much money with the three or to talk about how hard it was to get a show area, indie rock was getting so huge. I mean four emergency room visits as it is. I can in a certain town when they’re starting out. like the crying on stage kind of emo, really only think of three incidents. The teeth For us it was like, yeah, it might have been out-of-hand, ultra-pretentious. At the time, thing, I cut my hand in New York… tough in a club, but fuck it, we’ll throw our we thought that even the name was so stu- Todd: How many stitches did that take? own show this week with a band that we pid: Riverboat Gamblers. The songs were a Mike: About sixteen or seventeen. But really like coming through and we get to little bit more jokey and stuff. A lot of that’s cool, I actually don’t owe any money hang out with them and stuff. It made us them, thank God, aren’t recorded, but for that. I went to Bellevue hospital, where kind of naïve, business-wise. When we’d they’re a little bit more goofy, like [in they send all the crazy people, and there play a club, at the end of the night, even a goofy voice] “This is rock and roll!” But were crackheads freaking out. One guy was really good show, they’d be like, “Here’s our roots came in more, the more punk rock screaming about how he was Richard $30, but you owe us half that for the beer side kind of developed. When it started out, Pryor, and this one guy who burned his top you drank.” And we were like, “Oh, okay, it was more sedate but then it just started lip off from a crack pipe, was just so high that’s cool. We got $15, guys. Let’s go put steamrollering. and didn’t know and kept smoking. I was that into a quarter of a tank of gas.” Todd: What names did you bandy around there for six hours and they stitched it up Todd: And you know they made a lot of before the Riverboat Gamblers? Why’d you but never sent me a bill. I gave them my money. stop on the Riverboat Gamblers? real name and everything. That’ll probably Mike: Some of those places, yeah. Mike: I think we probably actually had the come up in two years or so. Todd: Is there anything true to the rumor name before we had the band, even. There Todd: Since we’re at South by Southwest, that you’re a very aggressive karaoke were a couple of bands that we were start- celebrating people getting signed, has any singer? ing that we had thought of that name for. I major label offered you anything ridicu- Mike: Wow. Where’d you hear that from? think we all have a couple projects with a lous? Mike: There’s been sniffing around, but Mike: Yeah, that’s cool. That’s really cool. may have been a sexual metaphor. nobody’s held up a check and grinned or Todd: How did you guys get mentioned in Todd: Were you part of the Riverboat anything like that. Harper’s? Fuck, they published Mark Gamblers that got interviewed by dogs? Todd: “That monster truck is yours.” Twain when Mark Twain was contempo- Mike: Yeah. Mike: Rick Rubin came out to one of our rary. Todd: How did that happen? shows in LA, which is really weird. There Mike: Man, I have no idea. That guy just Mike: It was an email interview, and I was this weird whispering all through the happened to be at our Philly show, for don’t know how the dogs managed to type, crowd, and people grabbing us and saying whatever reason. but they did. “Rick Rubin came out. He never comes out. Todd: What was the tenor of the article? Todd: Good paw control. You have to do the best show ever.” It’s so Do you remember? Mike: Yeah, actually there’s some new hard to know who to trust. Like I said, we Mike: It was about how Clear Channel is Japanese thing that’s like a collar for dogs, just started really touring and taking it out monopolizing and taking over everything, and when the dogs bark, it’s supposed to in the last three years, and it’s really only which is a really scary thing, too. And it tell you what emotions they’re feeling been the last year that business actually somehow came up that this guy was trying based on their bark that just came out. It’s started becoming a part of it. I try not to to be the rogue Clear Channel guy who was pretty awesome. have bad attitude about it just because it’s a going to try to make good things happen Todd: Have you ever gotten contacted by necessary evil. the FBI? Todd: It’s just something Mike: Mark was in a that you have to face. It’s a band called the Reds shame that the Dead before this, and the FBI Kennedys got totally side- was really checking out lined because of accounting, their website and stuff but that’s one of the new because it’s the Reds. I wrinkles to punk rock if don’t know if we as the you’re going to do it now. If Riverboat Gamblers you’re not going to sign to a have been, other than major, you’ve got to get connections with the your shit tight. You need to Reds. Back when I was be surrounded by people you growing up in Denton, trust and know what can when I was in high work for you. school, there was this Mike: For a long time, I’d band called the think, “Well, we’re just an Semination Network. indie band. We’re just punk They were kind of like rock. It doesn’t really mat- a techno thing, but it ter.” We just had low self- was actually pretty esteem about everything, good. They were all you know? We never about the “Free the thought we were serious Information” hacker enough to take it seriously. guys, and I got in real Hopefully, it’ll all work out. good with them. At one Todd: I think that now since point one of them kind a lot of majors are crum- of said something like, bling, it’s nice to see that “Your name’s come there’s very honest, long- up. They look at us. lasting indies that are like, They’re probably look- “Here’s your business plan.” ing at you.” They were You don’t have to really do real paranoid. They’re anything differently, you really cool guys, just have to pay attention to though. what you’re doing, make Todd: On Something sure you keep your receipts, to Crow About, there that type of stuff. are two songs about Mike: Yeah, the music suicide. Why does that industry, the major industry, come up as a theme? is crazy right now. Mike: The “Last to Everyone’s getting fired. I Know” song, that’s don’t know if that’s a good kind of saying that thing or a bad thing. even though it is a big evil industry, and he you’re such a fuck-up that you’d screw up Todd: I think it’s a good thing. It’s one of ended up saying, “Oh, I saw this band the your own suicide note. Somebody who’s the times where before they were like, “Oh, Riverboat Gamblers. They were really just so lame that they would write a preten- it’s nothing. We had to shift things a little good.” And then it actually came up that he tious, lame suicide note as their last thing in bit, but we’re okay. We can still make was on NPR talking about the article and this world. I guess I’ve had sort of a trou- somebody who will sell three million somebody called in and said, “Riverboat bled youth and now I’ve got a degree in records.” That may not be true right now. Gamblers! Rock on!” or something, and he psychology and I work with that kind of Mike: Especially in rock music. There are was like, “Yeah, I really like them.” stuff. I still have a weird fascination with just so many scenes and it’s so diverse. It’s Random dude: Cherry capitol of the the really fucked-up kids, like junior high getting harder for them to package. world! kids who are suicidal and they have mental Todd: Things are definitely becoming Mike: Apparently this is the cherry capitol problems. I have kind of an affinity for more regional. of the world. I had absolutely no idea. That them, and it seems to be just a 59 too. You hear ‘em and you’re like, “Oh, they’re so happy,” and then you read the lyrics and you’re like, “Oh, Jesus.” Mike: Yeah, like “a thousand small white crosses and the blood on the highway.” That’s great. Todd: Who’s the show chicken? Mike: Oh, his other name is Jeff Humper. His real name is Jeff Long. He got the name Jeff Humper because the first time we met him, he was randomly walking up to people and humping their legs. He’s just one of those characters who ends up being part of the band in some way. He tours with us sometimes. We were on tour one time and it was like ten AM in Louisiana and he was driving. We were all kinda groggy and sleeping, and he’s poppin’ tallboys. An hour later he was weaving all over, and we were like, “He’s wasted!” And we get behind this truck that says “Caution: Show Chickens Inside,” and he goes, “Motherfuckin’ show chickens! I fuckin’ hate ‘em!” At the time, he was really, really skinny, like emaciated and gaunt and he had one of those phony faux-hawks, really short, and he’s kind of like crimping it in the mirror of a gas station and wobbling all over, and somebody said, “Jeff, I think you’re a show chicken.” Todd: When was the first time you picked up an instrument and started to play and realized that you probably wouldn’t put it down for a while? Mike: I was in some bands in high school, but it wasn’t really my kind of music. It was more just kind of goofing around. I didn’t ever get a guitar until I was in college. It sat around for about a year and then I started messing around with it and I figured out a Ramones song. I was like, oh my God, I can’t believe I figured that out. It just took off from there. I was definitely playing in really American phenomenon, the really you’re like, “There’s some sad stuff going bands before I knew how to play the guitar misanthropic, fucked-up kid who just has no on.” at all. It was just that ridiculous, retarded chance whatsoever, who just has the most Mike: I like stuff like that where I really need that we band people get to get up in miserable time growing up. Mine was pretty like a song. You know that band the front of people and make an ass out of our- miserable, but I did have some friends. Bananas? They’re one of my favorite bands. selves. I’ve just had that forever. Occasionally, you just see these kids who... Todd: I love the Bananas. They’re from Todd: I usually don’t ask this type of ques- there’s just nothing you can do for them. Sacramento, right? tion, but what drew you to recording in the They’re so young that they’ll probably Mike: Yeah, they actually played a benefit Sweatbox with Mike Vasquez? The thing understand later on, but they just don’t for us in Sacramento about a month ago. I that comes to my mind are the two Toys know any better. think he’s one of the best lyric writers, and That Kill albums. Those albums are fucking Todd: It’s just like blind rage. Not knowing the songs are just so amazingly catchy, and phenomenal because everything’s separated the difference between somebody who’s try- sometimes he sings real fast, but when you but the songs come out as wholes, if that ing to reach out and help you and somebody read the lyrics, the lyrics are so fucking makes sense. who’s trying to take advantage of you. good. My favorite stuff is when it’s kind of Mike: We’d recorded there before I’d heard Mike: They have no concept of how to let smart and maybe touching, but funny at the them. The first record was recorded there. off steam without completely fucking up. I same time. I’d love to write like he does, With the first record, we were kind of going always liked how the Ramones used to have like that. It’s smart and it can be about into it like, “Let’s just go record. Here’s really poppy, catchy songs about being a something serious but it’s still humorous Tim Kerr at the Sweatbox,” you know? The male prostitute and turning tricks. I love it and written in a new way. second one, I definitely went to Mike and when songs do that – have contradictory Todd: Also self-effacing instead of self- said, “Toys That Kill, Toys That Kill. Let’s sound with subject matter. I probably indulgent. do this,” because those records are fucking wouldn’t put those lyrics in a darker, heav- Mike: I’m definitely not against writing a great. ier-sounding song. I would probably write it love song, but I would definitely want to Todd: I read this in an interview with the about puppies or something. figure out a new way to write one, ‘cause John Doe zine. What’s the frightening psy- Todd: I think that works really well for you there’s enough that are just, “You’re so pret- chology of the groupie? guys, too, because it’s very exciting and ty, I love you.” I’d want to figure out a new Mike: It’s such a weird thing. I’ve had a very fun when you hear the record, but then way to say that. girlfriend for a while, but like I said, grow- you look at the lyrics and Todd: I feel the same way with Tiltwheel, ing up was just miserable. I never had girl- 60 friends growing up. The frightening psy- themes that you’re gonna try to do, like you Like Rocket From the Crypt, every record chology of the groupie is you want to fuck a want to play faster or slower, or are you just they do is really different, but it’s all Rocket guy because he stood in front of a crowd for going to let everything gestate and work From the Crypt. Everybody I know has a thirty minutes and jumped around. Right itself out? different favorite one, and there’s even peo- then and there, that night. And there’s no Mike: Definitely let everything gestate. It’ll ple who are like, “I don’t like this one but I way that chick would talk to me if I just kinda happen as it happens. We never really like this one.” I like them all, but in different walked into a bar. It should be great. The ever said, “We need to write a faster song,” times, I like this one a whole lot or I like fact that I’m troubled by it troubles me. I but it’s just different people bringing songs this one a whole lot. I think that’s really should be loving this, taking this all in. to the table that are musically different. cool that it’s all Rocket From the Crypt but Some of them are real pathetic. The weird Now we’ve got a new guy in the band, Mark it’s all a little bit different. thing is it exists on every level of a band. Ryan, who plays in the Marked Men, and Todd: Like a larger palate. Probably the higher you get up, the higher he’s adding a different element. He’s really Mike: I think that’s awesome, but I would class of the girl, but the worst band that only talented and really tight, and his songwriting like to experiment a little. draws three people, one of them is some is more staccato, like if you’re listening to Todd: Another thing is that fifteen seconds chick who wants to fuck one of the guys for the Marked Men or Reds stuff. into someone playing a Rocket From the no reason. Todd: Like the early Buzzcocks stuff, very Crypt song, you know it’s Rocket From the Todd: So you were having a scuffle with bright tones but very fast. Crypt. somebody and a Japanese friend… Mike: I love that stuff. We’re not going to Mike: When I hear them have strings on a Mike: Oh yeah… go completely in any direction, but I think song, I’m not like, “What are they trying to Todd: Tell me that story. that’s definitely going to influence us. I kind do?” It just happens that someone had the Mike: There was a scuffle that went down of foresee it always changing a little bit. I really good idea that this song would sound after a show. We actually played with really don’t want to write the same record really good with strings. I would love to Scared of Chaka, who are another one of my every time. have weird stuff like that happen, not force favorite bands. It was an outside party. I feel Todd: It seems very well-realized but it it, but like, “Wow, a keyboard would be I was in the right but I got into it with these doesn’t seem calculated, like, “Here’s our really cool on this song, or a harpsi- two guys and people separated them across fast one, here’s our slow one.” chord or a kazoo. This song needs a the street and they were just kind of stand- Mike: It just kind of happens as it happens. kazoo solo!” ing around. I was still at the party outside with all the people and they were just stand- ing there pointing at me. Somebody was like, “Look, let’s just go a couple houses down, mellow it out, have a drink,” and I’m like, “Yeah, that’s a good idea.” So we went down and had a drink and I went outside. If I had waited one more minute they would have been gone, but as I was walking back to the party, they were driving up. So they stop in the middle of the road and they all jump out of the car and just leave it running in the middle of the road. One guy runs over and we start getting into it, then the whole party comes over and starts breaking it up. While all this is going on, this Japanese guy who speaks pretty decent English but has no driver’s license and is insanely drunk – he’s the craziest guy, he dresses like Brad Pitt in Fight Club; red pants and a big fur coat – he just jumps in the car and takes off with it. I’m in the middle of yelling with these people and I saw the car drive off but I didn’t really think anything of it. Dave from Scared of Chaka was like, “I think that Japanese guy was the one who stole the car,” and I said, “No, no, no.” Then I get a call when I get home in broken English. “Mike, I cannot fight so good. I’m not good fighter, so I steal car for you.” He drove it four blocks away, just left it running on the side of the road, and walked back to the party. Apparently, these guys are freaking out, and my friend just walks up, all loaded in his fur coat, and he’s like, “What’s going on, dude?” They had no idea. I guess the cops drove them around and they found their car. I really ought to be following him around, waiting to save his life one day, like Chewbacca or something. Todd: Not in a presumptuous way or any- thing, but what’s the future for the band musically? Do you have like different CLOROX GIRLS
INTERVIEW BY MITCH CARDWELL PHOTOS BY CHRYSTAEI BRANCHAW
Ahhhhhhhhhhh… Clorox Girls. A deep “Vietnam,” which sounds like you are Justin: Some of it is warranted. I dunno sigh of relief is unavoidable when it invading or something, or “Stuck in a about the M.O.T.O. comparisons, but The comes to these guys. Their debut album Hole,” which is poetic and smutty, really Spits are genius. Simple songs are great. We (on San Francisco’s SmartGuy Records) stick out. Are these love songs or fuck write simple songs. I don’t think it makes us will definitely go down as one of the finest songs? retarded or incompetent. All in all, I think albums of the year. Hook after hook, tune Justin: Love songs. “Vietnam” and “Stuck people want to put us in some kind of cor- after tune…. We’re talking pinpoint pre- in a Hole” are really romantic. “It’s the time ner. We are gonna play what we want. We cision, Jack! I met with The Girls known for Vietnam/ It’s the time for me and you” definitely are conscious of what we are as Clay, Justin and Zack recently to dis- sounds pretty romantic to me. Just fucking doing. I think there’s something about hold- cuss their motivations, their move to put everything out there. Why be dead ing back, too. I mean, theoretically, we Portland, and their uncanny knack for before you’re dead? Fuck yeah, we are could play really technical stuff. Maybe. It crafting simple tunes on subjects both invading. Songs like those are just about could happen. You never know. I just think potty-mouthed and grandiose. I’m still being restless and badly wanting to be it’s good to hold back a tiny bit. If you look trying to catch up! somewhere else. Where’s that somewhere? at any great song, there’s not that much to I don’t know, but I’m getting there. Being it. It’s just a good song. Clorox Girls: in love is fucking insane. I think one can Zack: [In dork voice] Duh… It’s just like a Justin Maurer – Guitar/Vocals employ love like a firearm or something. good song… and stuff. Clay Silva – Drums [laughs] War is so phallic. We are a society Justin: [dorking again] Yeah, ‘cause like… Zack Lewis – Bass focused on sex and war. The album is just bands, like, now, like, just take themselves how I feel about the world right now. too seriously. And it, like, sucks. Mitch: So you’re album is officially out Zack: I don’t think that any good love Mitch: Well, a lot of those retard comments now. Recorded by Kurt Bloch. Did he do songs aren’t some form of fuck song. were written about the single. any crazy guitar stuff in the studio? Maybe ours are very thinly disguised fuck Justin: I think once people hear the LP, Justin: He would just come up to Clay songs. Then again, no one wants to hear we’ll get more respect for the songs. The before recording drum stuff and just fuck someone singing “I Wanna Hold Your single was just all of us saying “fuck it.” with the drums and tune them perfectly. Hand.” Everyone wants to know what will Clay: We basically just needed a record to Clay: Yeah. It was the same studio that The happen after the handholding. go on tour with. Presidents of the United States of America Mitch: How do you feel about the reviews Justin: And when we read the reviews of recorded in. There are all these gold records and reactions you’ve got so far? the single, they as always said we were on the wall. Justin: Someone was telling me last night “retarded” or “semi-incompetent” or what- Justin: Conrad Uno just shows up in sweat- that, “You guys are a punk band, but you’re ever. That was because we had a shitty bass pants and a Supersonics hoodie. really anti-punk.” That was the reason they player. But I kinda like that. Mitch: I’ve been bit puzzled by the album’s liked us, which I thought was strange. Mitch: How old are you guys? lead tune, “The One.” Please tell me it has Zack: Well, we’re pro-Blink 182… Clay: Twenty-two. nothing to do with alpha-males or The Justin: Exactly! You have to embrace the Justin: Zack and me are twenty. Oh… we Matrix. plastic in order to reject it. You have to drink. I’ve been playing in bars since I was Justin: “The One” is about finding some- make love to your enemies. It’s like going sixteen, playing drums and stuff. body who doesn’t stop blowing you away. I to the mall. What better way to make fun of Mitch: Folks seem to make a big deal about think I might have found her. [laughs] the mall than by going? how young you guys are. It’s like “how do Mitch: You guys are a pop band, so natu- Mitch: What about the comparisons to these kids even know about Red Cross or rally there’s gonna be relationship songs. It “retarded” bands like Masters of the The Gears?” appears that you guys have a far different Obvious or The Spits? Your songs do have Justin: [banging on the table and singing] take on love songs than most that simple quality about them that worms “Who’s gonna play the last chord? Wonder 62 other bands. Tunes like into your head. who it’ll be!” I was born in Santa Monica and grew up on beach punk even after trend in Portland is to start a band with moving to Bainbridge Island, WA a real shitty girl drummer, too many when I was twelve. My dad sang for effects pedals, and a keyboardist who an LA punk band in the early ‘80s does nothing. All style, no substance called The Defenders. I remember “art” is way too prevalent and that hearing them practice in my living “death disco” bullshit is just as popu- room growing up. Of course, I also lar there as it is down in SF. We feel a skateboarded to high school listening real kinship and just friendship with to Black Flag, Germs, Adolescents, X, the bands that are actually fans of The Dils, and yeah, even The Gears. I music, and you can see those people at still think the only reason people com- almost every show. As to how we fit pare us to The Gears is because of that in? I dunno. I don’t think that we real- “Jill Ruder Smokes Dope” song from ly care about fitting in. We just want the 7”, which is kind of annoying. I to write good songs and have fun. grew up there, so I have a love/hate Zack: I don’t think that there’s any relationship. But I feel the same about need to fit in or not fit in here. In San Francisco. Portland, the amount and diversity of Mitch: So you guys used to live in the bands allows us to remain a bit cam- Bay Area, but are now in Portland, ouflaged. There’s always a whole new Oregon. Why’d you leave? batch of people that come to each Justin: [burping] Well, Oakland show. It seems like there’s some sort sucks. of in-between fitting in here – not All: [laughter] quite being in a “scene” and definitely Justin: Clay and I were living in this not outside it. van, just backing into the Berkeley Clay: I just think people are realizing Marina, ya know? Just turning tricks. there are other places on the West We got really sick of it. Tons of scab- Coast where you can be successful. by old men. We were also sleeping Zack: I think that could explain the behind The Oaks Club on San Pablo. influx of bands moving there or bands We lived in that crusty punk house from there getting a certain amount of with the press all over the place. Back acclaim in some circles. to the moving thing, I dunno. I like Justin: I just think it’s so affordable Oakland. I like certain parts. It has this to live there compared to other cities YOU HAVE TO MAKE LOVE charm. out here. It has all the same dynamics Mitch: After hearing the LP, I thought and like-minded people as other spots, TO YOUR ENEMIES. a few songs, “The Press” especially, but you don’t have to pay a ridiculous dealt with Oakland’s charm. amount just to live there. I’ve noticed IT'S LIKE GOING TO Justin: Well, “The Press” is actually that there is a lot less competition THE MALL. about Clay and myself getting evicted between bands up there, too. It’s no from the ever-dismal Punks With hassle to borrow equipment, which is Presses warehouse. The pothead crust sort of different here. If you aren’t punks definitely did not party down to wearing all denim, you’re fucked. the euphoric Euro beats of The Venga Zack: I think the unemployment sta- Boys, one of our favorite pop groups. tistics are inflated there, too. Justin Mitch: Are you finding any similari- even found a job. ties between Portland and Oakland? Justin: Yeah! But I made more play- Are these parties the same? ing a twenty-minute set at Thee Justin: People in Portland drink quite Parkside than I did working for three a bit, but nothing can equate to a ware- weeks at my job. Cultivate your mind house show in Oakland. Brontez from or else you’ll end up like me, man. Panty Raid got some hearty fellatio Yeah, he’s a college man. How can performed on him publicly right our band be retarded? Maybe now before they went on to play one of the reviewers will call our lyrics rowdiest, drunkest East Oakland ware- “poignant.” house shows I have ever seen. Nothing Zack: Poignant? in Portland really compares to that. Justin: Hella poignant! Fuck! That’s Also, I think all of the tension in it. Just listen to the music, have fun, Oakland causes really explosive sexu- and go crazy at the shows. Throw food al rock’n’roll type events. It’s just at us. That’s authentic discourse – a much more likely to occur there than food fight! In closing: PARTY! here. Uhhhhh… Seattle doesn’t party! Zack: My Portland “party” has been Oakland doesn’t party! staying in the library until it’s time for Zack: We party in our van. That’s the band practice, then going back to the only party there is. library and staying until it’s time for a show. I don’t think I get out much. No copulation on any lawns for me. PO Box 82428 Mitch: How do you see yourselves in Portland, Or 97282 the Pacific Northwest scene? Justin: Our music is real different www.Cloroxgirls.Com from most of the bands there. The www.Smartguyrecords.Com Interview by Todd Taylor Photos by Rochelle Fox
Alex: Guitar Monte: Bass Ian: Vocals John Venom: Drums Al G.: Guitar
I tell people this all of the time: one of the biggest challenges facing punk rock today is that there’s just so damn much of it – in almost every form imaginable. Fuck, even just the list of types of punk rock is long, from hardcore to gutter punk to punk’n’roll to streetpunk to art punk to punkabilly to pop punk and beyond. No longer can you walk into a record store, see a record by a band you’ve never heard of or a label you’ve never seen, agree with the aesthetics of the cover art, and have a good chance of not being burned by a crappy release. This is the down side to democracy. I also understand that I’m in a rare position, one that I’m grateful for. I can sift through literally thousands of pieces of music a year without having to plunk down my ever-thin pile of dollars on audio roulette. Music magically comes through my post office box, and I can handpick stuff that piques my interest. I knew nothing about The Ends when I put the stylus down on the groove of their Jump Ship 7” and I’ve been a fan ever since. Too many bands use one of the aforementioned subsections of punk rock like a noose. Like, “How can I stick my neck into this screamo thing?” The problem’s obvious. If there are strict parameters to the music, you’ll never exceed its limitations. You’re, fig- uratively, stringing yourself up. Maybe it’s Texas punk’s history of allowing their bands to not follow rigid musical rules is why The Ends have taken the exact opposite approach. Since punk rock has cut such a wide path since 1977, why not harvest the best of it without being a slave to just one or two influences and create a new thread and bloodlink through it? There’s no reason for a band to not remind you simultane- ously of both the Buzzcocks and Johnny Thunders. All that shit’s putty waiting to be stretched, bounced around, and muscled into another form. Ultimately, with The Ends, there are bits of The Rezillos, Eater, Elvis Costello, The Stitches, and The Clash, but these are merely signposts they’re whizzing by, not monuments they’re stopping at, climbing up on, and giving head to the statues.
Todd: What’s the hardest part about being Monte: I wish I could fuck Halle Berry. then we started the Ends shortly after that. an End? John: I wanted to make out with Marilyn Then Schatzi had to go do their thing so I John: Getting five lamebrains together at McCoo. quit, but then I was like, “No fucking way,” the same time in the same place. Al G.: I want to play every day and not and I rejoined the Ends. Todd: What would you say the easiest thing have to work. Alex: He begged for his place back. is? Ian: I just want some money. That’s it. Todd: So Al, you’ve left the band a couple Al G.: I like everybody in the band. Todd: Monty, you were in the band of times, to do things like walking dogs and John: They all rock, so it’s worth the wait. Schatzi, correct? doing yoga and interpretive dance. Todd: What’s the dumbest question you’ve Monte: Uh huh. Al G.: I’m still on my spiritual quest. I play ever heard from a fan? Todd: Were you in the band when they with guys in Houston who I’ve played with Alex: Fan? We haven’t had any of those opened up for Hilary Duff? since I was twelve, and I’m on lots of heavy yet. Monte: No. [laughter] Thank fucking God. medication so it’s hard to play in two bands Monte: “Is it hard to play rock like that?” They called me and said, “Hey dude, can at once. In two months I get off my medi- John: “Do you want to make out?” Of you play that show? Is that cool?” I was cine so I’ll have normal strength. course I do. like, “What show?” They said, “Hilary Todd: What medical problem do you have? Todd: Has anybody said, “Hey, just send Duff,” and I was like, “No. I can’t do it.” Al G.: Hepatitis C. I have the liver of a sev- me ten CDs and I’ll pay you back later,” Todd: So, for you, what’s the biggest dif- enty-year-old man, but I’m twenty-three. I that type of thing? ference between being in a band that would had to go on heavy shit. Let’s talk about Alex: Nope. Nobody even wants ten CDs. open up for Hilary Duff and being in the something happy. Todd: Because on your message board it Ends? Todd: So you were in the Ritchie Whites says, “Send me five CDs and you’ll be big Monte: The difference is that we’re still for a while, too? at my high school.” sort of hungry, whereas Schatzi, it was just John: That was me, too. We’re all Austin Alex: Oh, wait, that was from John’s another crappy show that they had to play. bands. I played drums for them on the cousin. That doesn’t count. There’s no “oomph.” And this band, we’re record and toured with them. I love those Todd: This is kind of an abstract question. just stoked to rock, you know? I think that’s guys to death. What was the last wish that you had that the key. Todd: Ian, are you an artist? A painter? was solid gold? Todd: So how did you come into this band? Ian: Yeah. Alex: My daughter. Monte: I played with the Born Deads and Todd: When was the last time that you felt didn’t have time for us and she’s getting married. John: She started teaching retarded kids. I was like, “You’re teaching retarded kids right now in the band.” Todd: What was the biggest adjustment between Candi and getting Monte? Alex: She used to do a lot of high kicks and stuff in a dress. That was pretty cool. Monte doesn’t do any high kicks. Monte: It was really hard learning Candi’s bass lines, too. She’s a great bass player. Todd: Why aren’t any of your lyrics avail- able anywhere? Ian: I’m not real confident. I have a lot of issues. Todd: To everybody except Ian, what’s your favorite lyric for the Ends, and Ian’s going to have to say if it’s correct. Alex: Oh, man. I don’t know any of the lyrics. [laughter] “Jump ship from your wishful thinking.” Is that on the record? Monte: My favorite is “Make Me Dull.” Todd: But you’ve got to know a lyric. Monte: I don’t know any lyrics in that song. John: We don’t know the lyrics. He won’t write them down. Ian: I write them down. I’ll show them to people when we record and stuff, but they can’t read them. Todd: What’s your favorite lyric, then? Ian: I love them all just like my children. [laughter] Shit. Todd: What lyric most typifies the Ends? Ian: “I’m just wrong.” Almost all of them are just about me, how much I hate myself. Todd: Is that the main theme? Ian: Not anymore, because I’m getting a lit- tle happier now. I’m getting married in two weeks. Todd: How long have you known the lady? Ian: Since high school. We’ve only been dating for about four years. Todd: Why aren’t kids right in the head? That’s the only lyric I can get. Ian: Because it rhymes with whatever the next line is. [laughter] That song was just about getting stuck in a rut. like a mechanic dreaming about stuff. Anything that I can do half-assed, I’ll Todd: So Alex, you run a label that was Shakespeare? do. named after a movie? Ian: Every fucking day when I’m sweeping Todd: Are you a tattoo artist, too? How’s Alex: Yeah. up at work. that going? Todd: What was the movie? Todd: Explain that a little, though. Ian: I just started. It’s going all right. Alex: Ask Toby. He started the label. It was Ian: The painting? When I made that, I was Alex: He does good work. a John Waters movie. working at a body shop and I saw all those Todd: Does anybody in the band have any Todd: Desperate Living. guys just wasting away, drinking themselves that you did? Alex: Okay. You can edit out the part about to sleep every night and getting up and Al G.: I have two. asking Toby. doing it all again. Ian: Yeah, you can’t get it on tape, but Todd: How did you become part of Todd: Are you involved with any of the Monte’s got a couple. Mortville Records? Ends’ artwork? Todd: Why did Candi leave the band? Ian: I don’t do meth, so I do the covers and Alex: She started teaching full-time, so she Alex: Toby, the bass player for the Motards, the absolute worst bathroom you’ve ever had Ian: I don’t smoke a lot of pot, but when I started a label, Austin’s best punk rock label, to use? smoke pot, I weird myself out a whole lot and he was running out of money and run- Alex: Blue Flamingo. It used to be right and I’m just like, “Why the hell am I in a ning out of energy. I came in and wanted to across the street. band?” be a part of it and was able to get some Todd: Describe it. John: Being a drummer gets expensive, and releases out that he’d had in the works for a Alex: It had the standard piss and puke, but we don’t make any money, so it all comes while. He said, “Hell yeah!” Then he moved it was only like two feet and by three feet, so out of pocket. Then loading it in, breaking it to Mexico, so I’ve been running it for the there was just a lot of piss and puke. up, tearing it down, can’t find a good parking past year. Monte: What’s the name of that place in spot, and you play for ten people. Todd: How did you know Toby? Chicago, the bowling alley? Al G.: Not being able to eat and not being Alex: Ever since I was seventeen, going Alex: The Fireside. able to buy guitar strings. downtown in Austin, I’ve known Toby. Monte: That is the gnarliest bathroom in the Todd: The converse to that. What keeps you Everybody knows Toby in this town. country. Have you ever been there? It’s the playing? Todd: What’s your day job? worst bathroom of all time. Alex: Going to the practice room and some- Alex: My day job is taking care of my Monte: I went to take a shit there. It was the body brings a new song that’s just awesome. daughter. My afternoon job is bartending at a dankest room, no lights. There was water an It’s like, “Man, I want to learn that. I want to Mexican restaurant. I’m opening my own bar inch deep on the ground and there was a toi- play that.” Hearing that great song and being in about two months, playing in this band, let in the middle of the fucking room that a part of that process and being in the band and running the label. Those are pretty full- you couldn’t see into. It didn’t even have a that gets to play that song. time jobs. lid, no water inside, no paper. Monte: For me, it’s being at Taco Bell on Todd: Monte, what’s your day job? Todd: For you who have kids, what’s one some random day, and some dude will be Monte: My day-time job is cooking at The thing you’ll never buy them. like, “The Ends! You guys fuckin’ rock! Dog and Duck, and it sucks ass. It’s an Monte: A mic. [laughter] Wooh!” And all you’re doing is buying a English pub. Alex: I didn’t want her to have a Barbie, but burrito. Ian: He gets to make all kinds of really gross my wife bought that. Ian: For me, it’s just hanging out with my food. Ian: I think kids shouldn’t have toys. I think friends. I don’t really have a whole bunch of Monte: I get to make fish and chips. I get to they need to be trained early on to think that friends, so when we go to practice, it’s like make salmon cider. It’s just a fuckin’ bullet dishes are fun. If you start early enough, he hanging out. train. I do that, I go to school, and I just had could do whatever the hell you want him to. John: We all get along really well. a baby, so I’m taking care of my daughter. Al G.: “Dude, cutting the grass is kick ass!” Al G.: What else is fun? Playing in a band or Ian: I work at a commercial art studio. I do Monte: “Taking out the trash is awesome!” beating off. [laughter] I don’t know what to styrofoam sculptures and mold-making. Todd: What’s one thing you’ve learned do besides play in a band and beat off. Al G.: I help run a liquor distributorship. I early on that you didn’t think would be a Todd: So Alex, you were saying you do most of the receiving and stuff like that. benefit of being in a punk rock band? weren’t happy with the mix of Sorry… XOX- Todd: Do you put beer aside for these guys? Ian: Long trips don’t bother me as much OXO. What don’t you like about it? John: He always takes care of us. [laughter] anymore. Alex: It’s pretty rough. I felt like the rough I’m currently unemployed, but I just got Alex: Yeah, eight hours is a piece of cake mixes were a lot truer to what we were done running a day care for the last four after going twenty-six. doing. We had a really good friend mix years. I got a job working at a school for the Monte: I’ve learned to be able to drink a down the record and it didn’t turn out as well blind, but I haven’t started yet. reasonably large amount of alcohol and still as we hoped. We brought Monte into the Todd: Did you ever get thrown up on? be able to sort of pull off the songs. band and he’s got a lot more experience John: Yeah, I’ve had kids bite their tongues Alex: Some of us have even mastered the art going into the studio and doing that stuff. off and first graders call me a fucker and of vomiting and soloing at the same time. We figured, what the hell, we’ve got it com- punch me in the nuts. It’s good fun. Todd: How many times have you done that? ing out in Europe, might as well give it a dif- Todd: Do any of you have childhood friends Alex: Too many to count. But it gets you ferent spin. On the other side of that, if you who have become authority figures? from believing in nothing to believing in listen to those songs, you do get an idea of Monte: I had a friend whose name was also playing music. That’s the thing that keeps what the Ends are. You’re not going to come Monte, and he’s a cop. I couldn’t believe it. going, on days when you just want to shoot see us and say, “That’s a totally different Ian: I have a friend who’s a manager at yourself in the fucking brain. This is it. band,” but at the same time, if we can do it Journey’s. Todd: What makes you want to stop playing better, why not? Todd: What’s that? music? Ian: I chalk it up to not having much experi- Ian: It’s a shoe store in the mall. Alex: Seeing really, really bad bands get ence mixing down. My ears were just shot Alex: He’s got a lawyer friend. really popular. I’m not going to name names, anyway. John: I do have a lawyer friend. but some of them are in this town. It makes Al G.: It has beautiful aspects, too, because Todd: Is weird having friends like that? me feel like I’m really out of touch with it’s just a giant schwangled clusterfuck of John: It’s kind of weird smoking pot with a what’s going on and maybe I should just whatever anxieties we had. And half of those lawyer. play in my bedroom for the rest of my life. songs, we almost wrote them in the studio. Ian: He’s actually my lawyer, too. I got a Monte: For me, it’s playing a show that’s We just went in and said, “Let’s make a DUI and I met his friend getting out of the packed and then when you go get paid, the record. Let’s do it.” truck with a twenty pack of Bud Light, like, guy’s like, “Sorry, here’s thirty bucks. We’re Todd: Were any of your parents in the mili- “Hey, dude, I’m gonna be your lawyer.” He doing the best we can.” And you know that it tary? There’s a lot of military imagery in the did a great job. was five bucks a head for two hundred peo- Ends, like with the dive-bomber and the John: He was wasted the whole time. ple. I’m not in it for the money, but that’s a Sailor Jerry-looking guy hanging onto the Todd: Everyone has to answer this. What’s little disrespectful. pole. Ian: I’m a big fan of World War II stuff. Alex: I think Ian’s going for T Rex. really sappy no matter what we do, so we Alex: He just goes through old art books Ian: I’d like to see a little bit more thought just feel free to do whatever. There’s really and uses what we think looks cool. and effort in the studio, just go a little bit no goal in mind. Todd: Ian, did you discover you sound like more crazy. I love that first Supergrass Todd: What would be the Ends theme song? Mike Lohrman of the Stitches or is there album a whole lot. I like how raw and nasty Ian: I’d probably go with a Chumps song. anything you’re trying to change about that? they can sound and keep poppy stuff in “Goddamn American Eagle” is one of my Al G.: Actually, we did a really early record there. favorites. “Fuck You, I’m Rich.” and we mailed it to Mike Lohrman, so he John: We’re just trying to keep everything a Al G.: I’d have to say our rendition of actually mimicked Ian when they started. little different instead of just being the same “Johnny, Are You Queer?” by Josie Cotton. Ian: No, we know those guys and they’re all thing all the time. It’s more fun. Alex: “Johnny, Are You Queer?” is our great guys. That’s just the way I sing. Al G.: Just real rock and roll, whether it theme song. John: We’ll fight ‘em anytime. [laughter] sounds like the first Cock Sparrer record or Todd: When was the last time you were in a Ian: When you double up vocals on a Generation X or Johnny Thunders or the fistfight? recording, it’s naturally going to sound like Real Kids, just songs that you can tell that Al G.: I’ve had some one-sided fights. Two that, because he does it a lot, too. I don’t somebody’s bleeding their guts out in the years ago at South By Southwest, I got beat know. It bugs me sometimes but there’s not music. up. I broke three ribs, got my nose broken. I a whole lot I can do about it. Alex: It’s hard to push things in one certain bumped into some guy and I said, “Excuse Todd: What’s your ultimate vision of the direction because we have three primary fuckin’ you!” The next thing I knew, I got Ends sounding like? What things are you songwriters in the band. We end up sound- my whole face pounded in. working on that you haven’t fully developed ing like whatever the hell somebody John: The last time I got violent was when but really want to nail down? brought. We really don’t push anything Ian tried to wipe puke on me in Canada. Al G.: Honestly, I like the direction the band away if it’s a great song, regardless of tempo Ian: It was my birthday, too. is heading in, more towards an old school or whatever, because if we like it, then we seventies rock sound with the slower tempos go for it. Once we add Ian on top, it’s going The Ends: PO Box 4263, Austin, and stuff. I’d like to see the band head more to sound like an Ends record. He’s not going TX 78765 in that direction. to sound super sweet. We’re not going to be www.theends.com y and large, today’s musical climate is ripe for eradication. Whether it’s securing bioengineering patents? nationally televised talent shows where the voting is done by dickheads Rod: My Dad used to work for with cell phones, or whether it’s former members of Guns N Roses vain- Monsanto. He worked on the project that BlyB attempting to cash in on their white-leather-and-bandana glory, organic included developing new strains of more music simply does not exist in popular culture. Underground music isn’t insect-resistant plants – rapeseed, broc- exempt from these allegations, either. Bands that spout off rhetoric about coli, cauliflower, cabbage, basically any how they’re “punks ‘til they die” but forget to mention that they have per- plant in the entire brassica genus. sonal stylists and a $75 deli tray in their dressing rooms are, unfortunately, Dan: Rapeseed? a dime-a-dozen. If you were jaded or pessimistic, all hope would be lost, but Tommy: Are you gonna keep interrupt- for the few of us that are hungry and restless, there is an answer: ing? Spontaneous Disgust. With a history of nearly impossible-to-find releases Dan: Sorry. and a finesse-out-the-window approach not seen since the first time Whack- Rod: Rapeseed’s related to canola, A-Mole machines were installed in Showbiz Pizza restaurants across the okay? So, anyway, after he retired, he country, Spontaneous Disgust is at once as catchy as a urinary tract infec- went to work for Shaman tion in Baltimore, as hard as the milkman’s wiener when he’s doing your Pharmaceuticals as a consultant and went mom, and as awe-inspiringly brilliant as absolutely nothing you’ve ever seen. Reference points are few and far between, but one thing’s for sure: if music to the Amazon. Helped isolate sangre de needs to be eradicated, Spontaneous Disgust is here to do just that. drago – Dragon’s Blood. That shit’ll cure any cut fast as fuck. We give it to Donuthead for his ulcers. Dan: Really? Donuthead: Bass Dan: Individually, where are you guys Rod: Check it, dude. It’s legit. Tommy: Drums from? Tommy: [poking me in the chest very Rod: Vocals Tommy: Coney Island, New York. hard] Legit. Gator: Guitar Ponch: Saskatoon, Italy. Donuthead: [smiling] I no longer shit Ponch: Guitar Donuthead: Originally from Las Vegas, blood. Bunny: Tuba, glockenspiel, “various but my parents moved to California for Dan: The song, “The Slaughtering of a percussion and occasional winds” the migrant farm work jobs that are plen- Few Sacred Cows. With Ketchup,” has tiful there. the first use of a pan flute I’ve ever heard Bunny: Pending litigation, stemming in a punk song. How does one come to from my hometown’s attempts to disown the conclusion, “After that guitar riff, stand out, so I avoid contact as much as start puffing like crazy”? me, I am legally prohibited to divulge possible. These guys are crazy enough to where I come from. Let’s just say that I Ponch: Dude, haven’t you ever listened tolerate me. to Sleep? hope I never, ever have to look at anoth- Dan: Where does Spontaneous Disgust er calculator watch again for the rest of Bunny: Actually, that’s not a pan flute. call home? You know those bamboo wind chimes my life. Bunny: No offense, dude. I second that Dan: What bands, if any, were you in that are so big that you’d need a fucking fuck you. typhoon to come along and get it to even before Spontaneous Disgust? Dan: [long silence] What are your day Bunny: Um, does jumping up on stage move? Well, that’s what it is. Rod was jobs? kinda bored with being the only guy and singing “Muskrat Love” with a Tommy: What’s a “job”? Is that along reformed Captain and Tennille count as standing on stage with nothing but his the same lines as work? What the organ in his hand, so he made his own “being in the band”? fuck?… Rod wants to be a fuckin’ star. Dan: Sure, I guess. The rest of you instrument. He got it from the front yard Tell him what you were doing yesterday. of the neighborhood asshole, who appar- guys? Rod: Standing in a shower, clucking like Ponch: The Dignified Pugilists, ently derives some sort of sexual pleasure a chicken. I’m working on my SAG from collecting bamboo wind chimes – I Gregorian Handplant. card. It was a commercial for a sand- Tommy: Bea Arthur’s Maude Squad, think I counted forty-three of ’em, minus wich. I got a callback. the one that Rod nicked, littering that The Jersey Jewbaiters, and PLH (Play Bunny: My main job is staying alive. Like Hell). dude’s front porch. Anyway, he took the After that, I figure all other “jobs” seem thing apart, glued it back together on a Rod: Photocopy Your Nuts and Anarchy kinda irrelevant. in Lace. Two separate bands. AiL was an piece of sheet metal, added some forks Donuthead: I have never had a job. I get and PVC tubing on the other side to serve all-male Go-Go’s cover band, but we Social Security for my ongoing battle changed the songs to have more Crass- as some sort of percussive instrument. with my disorders. You can hear him banging the tubes on like lyrics. Ponch: Harvester of Sorrow. Donuthead: None. I’m not a personable “Britney Aguilera Makes My Pee Run Dan: That’s your job? Red,” by the way. He got it to sound like guy and lack friends. I have many pho- Ponch: Yeah. Harvester of Sorrow. bias and a nervous tick that makes me a pan flute by modifying one of them bot- Dan: Are any of your parents currently tles of compressed air you use to clean off computer keyboards and using it to “blow” across the bamboo good movie in years, excluding homemade porno, of course. tops. Pretty inventive for a guy with the creativity of a retarded Dan: Why have you released the 8-track only (Boobs Make coma patient, don’t you think? Hugs Fun) and a 78rpm-only (More Beer in the Monitor, Donuthead: Punk rock over the years has become paint by num- Please) EPs? bers. Who would expect a pan flute in a punk song? I think it Bunny: Okay, look. The problem with most music fans pushes the boundaries of making a racket. My feelings were, “I these days is that music is way too fuckin’ accessible and, don’t care if people don’t get it.” because it’s way too fuckin’ accessible, they don’t really Dan: What other names were discarded before you came up give a two-penny fart about what’s coming out of the speak- with the name Spontaneous Disgust? ers. It’s all too easy, you know? Add in the fact that you can Bunny: We all have our little obsessions, all of which we’ll pretty much find anything you want to hear on the internet vehemently deny are an influence on the decisions we make. with virtually no effort, and you’ve got a whole group of Gator’s been a huge fan of Manfred Mann since that blow to the music “fans” who completely take what they’re listening to head he took at some “Freedom Rock” for granted. We’re old enough to remember, be it on the concert. Rod’s obviously got a dick thing going on… That said, I think that my own personal obsessions resulted in the brilliant names Herpes Duplex, The Monkey Strippers, The Naughty Moms, Boba Fett’s Salamander, and Bunny Hitler and the Pretty-Nice-Guys-If-You-Only-Took- The-Time-To-Get-To-Know-Them. Of course, none of these assholes liked a single one on ’em. Donuthead: I liked Feather Boa Wearing Construction Guys, but I was shot down. I liked the contradiction. Gator: We had tons of names. Manfred Mann’s Afterbirth Band, the Dresden Firefighters, uh, what was that other one? Rod: Dave Grohl Has the Smallest Wiener Ever. Gator: Yeah, Dave Grohl Has the Smallest Wiener Ever. We didn’t use that one because we were scared that he would [trying not to laugh {and failing}] whoop our asses like rented mules. Dan: Makeup isn’t just for black metal guys, you know… Why are your releases so hard to get? Ponch: If you don’t get it, that’s your problem. Tommy: They’re not so hard to get, people are just not trying hard enough. Bunny: What do you mean, “they’re radio or at the local mom and pop hard to get”? I’ve had no problem whatsoever getting every one record shop, how fuckin’ exasperating it was to find something of our releases. The Clash’s Combat Rock record, now that’s a worth listening to. We also remember how great it was to finally pain in the ass to get. Especially when you ain’t got any dough. find something that looked interesting, take it home and have it Donuthead: Exclusivity makes for collectibility. Look at the be so good that you would have to peel your head off the back weird pressing Pushead releases. They go for big bucks. I admit wall. We figured that, since getting music ain’t all that difficult, it; I keep a couple of copies for the future to put up on eBay if we’d make it a pain in the ass to play it once you got it. And let the band gets popular like the Locust. I don’t get much money me tell you, we haven’t gotten any complaints from anyone from Social Security. who’s actually gone to the trouble of actually playing those Gator: I think the more appropriate question is, why are Beck releases. releases so easy to find? Donuthead: If people really want to hear the music, then they Dan: Touché. have to search for the vintage equipment. It gives people incen- Gator: Nobody listens to music because it’s good. I mean, think tive to find dated equipment and see the beauty of the era they about it: Creed has sold, like, fifty gazillion CDs. Do you know were made in. Also, CDs and CD players are boring. The pack- anybody who has one? Of course not. The only people who do aging is so limited. It’s another form of big corporations making are high school girls who want to peel off the lead singer’s vinyl us into a generic society. pant-shirt combo, and then there’s Bible-thumping rednecks Dan: How did you find a pressing plant to make a 78? who are so glad that they’ve finally found a Jesus Rock band Donuthead: I won’t tell you. I don’t care about the masses and, that rocks harder than DC Talk. People that matter can get our like Poison Idea said, “Record collectors are pretentious ass- records. holes.” Here’s something for the assholes. These are the ass- Dan: Who is the embodiment of Spontaneous Disgust, exclud- holes who have nothing better in life other than to brag about ing you guys? their rare find. We fuel that. Gator: I’m gonna say Marlon Brando. I just ate a big plate of Tommy: ’Head, let me tell ’em. spaghetti, and I’m feeling a little bloated. I also haven’t made a Donuthead: No. Tommy: Yes, ’Head. [pokes DonutHead several times] Yes, Dan: Even the longer tours? ’Head. Tommy: Even longer tours. Sissy. DonutHead: Okay. Dan: When’s the last time the van broke down? Tommy: We have a hook-up overseas that does 78-rpm records Tommy: When was the last time you picked up your teeth offa dirt cheap. It’s one of the actual companies that used to press early the ground with broken elbows, you ass? American music standards for our GIs in the first two world wars, Donuthead: My mom’s station wagon is in tip-top shape. My believe it or not. dad works on the car all the time. They know him by name at the Dan: But don’t you want as many people as possible listening to local Pep Boys. The fake wood paneling is faded, though. your music? Tommy: ’Head’s mom does work the merch table, though. Tommy: Of course we want as many people listening to our Dan: When was the last time you were spontaneously disgusted? music as possible. What kinda fucking question is that? Now the Bunny: I dunno. Probably the last time I had to shave your moth- reason as to just why we released those EPs on 8-track and 78 rpm er’s back. This interview’s running a close second. is very simple. For instance, just because you might really be into Dan: In A Clockwork Orange, Alex, the bad dude, undergoes creating watercolor paintings doesn’t mean you can’t look at or “treatment” for all his gang rapes and car-jackings. It’s called the create oil or acrylic paintings, right? So what’s the difference on Ludovico Method, a system of behavioral therapy that associates how the music’s pressed? The medium may differ, but the art is sex and violence with feelings of nausea and disgust. Does that the same. Take off the blinders, you fuck. have anything to do with your song, “Satisfactory Alienation,” Rod: All those industry crotch- which goes “Stuff this in your memory hole/ Ludovico was a sniffers have their t-backs in a pussy/ I sleep with bunch about MP3s and the my eyes open/ even internet ruining the music indus- when I drive/ my try. Eat ass. Know why it’s nuts cry”? going down? The music – by Bunny: Absolutely and large – is awful and it’s too nothing. It’s about expensive. No great mystery. Gator’s gay Italian We struggle. So should our uncle. If you saw audience. Take this to warning, how he looked in a though. Donuthead, he don’t dress, your nuts look like much, but if you put would cry, too. up an MP3 of SponDis up – just Donuthead: I only for fun – in the hour he’s deal with rhythm allowed at the library computer, and mood. he’ll hack directly your puny lit- Tommy: [sighs] I tle computer and cripple it can tell you com- like… pletely read way Tommy: Your mom. into that song. Dan: Fuck, dude. Should I tell him the Donuthead: I made a trojan real story? horse. Ever see Fantasia? Every Bunny: It’s your time you think you’ve gotten rid dime. of it, it splits in two, like those Tommy: The broomsticks, until you’ve got an Ludovico who we army of viruses. It’s fun. You’ll were talking about basically have to nuke your hard in “Satisfactory drive and start over. Alienation” was this Dan: I’m still looking for a 78 prick who ran a player. I’ve got the output to an liquor store near our 8-track rigged through my rehearsal loft when stereo… So you guys released we were first getting an album on cassette where you the band rolling. bought tapes at thrift stores and One night he cut off recorded over them, is that our store credit tab, right? which was silly All: [nods of agreement] being that we Dan: What kind of stuff did you tape over? bought scads of booze there constantly. We start arguing with Gator: Shit. Uh, AWB by Average White Band, One Vice at a him and it gets into a very loud yelling match. Then he threat- Time by Krokus, umm… Brand New Man by Brooks & Dunn, ens to call the cops on us if we don’t get out of his store. We mostly just random shit. Nothing decent, but nothing generic like then grab all the beers we could carry, told him to go fuck Pink Floyd, either. himself, and walk out. All the while this is going down, that Rod: One of ‘em was the Jim Nabors Christmas album. Ludovico fuck’s tapping the side of his head, saying in that Dan: Jim Nabors? thick accent of his, “I have you in my memory hole for when Gator: Yeah, the guy who played Gomer Pyle, remember? He’s the police gets here, assholes!” So that’s the first part of the not as successful a singer as Andy Griffith. lyric. The second part is just a goof on Prince’s “When the Rod: Or Don Knotts, for that matter. Doves Cry.” I thought even you’d get that part, jerkoff. Dan: What type of vehicle do you guys tour in? Dan: What’s your hobby? Bunny: I dunno. What’s your mom driving these days? Ponch: Getting arrested. Tommy: A fucking Humvee, what do you think? A van. Except Bunny: Whittling, long walks on the beach, fudge-packing ’Head. baby seals…. For fuck’s sake, what do we look like, Martha Donuthead: My mom drives me in the family station wagon to Stewart fans? gigs. I don’t think the other members can tolerate me in close Donuthead: I recently got into ant farms. I like quarters for any length of time. the fact they don’t talk and they are separated 71 from me because of the plastic they’re cased in. Ponch: Yes. Rod: ’Head’s ant farm is fun. I’ll go with that, too. Donuthead: We select the audience. Also, there is always Dan: Have you ever been arrested? someone looking for something fresh to get excited about. Ponch: No. Bunny: Hell yeah, we have an audience! And we appreciate Tommy: Yes. Have you ever been beat for being a snitch? both of them guys coming out every now and then to see us. Donuthead: I hate to sound like the freak, but I am allergic to okra. I Rod: Sad, and more true than false, my friend. tried it once and I got real swollen and I felt like I was hallucinating. Dan: What’s one dance move you’d like to teach your audi- I jumped out of my bedroom window and ran down the dirt road that ence? leads to the trailer, naked, to the main road where there is a gas sta- Gator: I made one up a while back. I like to call it the “Drink tion. I ran up to a guy putting gas in his Ford truck and spit in his Lots of Beer and Pee on Piebald.” face and I started pounding on his hood screaming that he was evil Dan: You’ve really got something against those guys, don’t and I accidentally shit. I got arrested for indecent exposure and they you? sent me to psychiatric hospital for five months. I’m scared of the Gator: Well, yeah. Just listen to ‘em. They’re Piebald, for okra. Christ’s sake. Gator: Yeah, I’ve been arrested for [looks down shamefully] bes- Bunny: The “Bend Over and Take It Like a Man.” Here, let me tiality. demonstrate how it’s done. Dan: You’re gonna have to elaborate on that one. Ponch: The Rabbit Butt. Or the Rabbi Butt. Gator: When me and Rod were in high school, I, uh, I called the Tommy: Crazy-ass, breakdancing windmills, like in the movie toll-free NAMBLA hotline and had a bunch of pro-pedophilia literature sent to Rod’s house, and when his parents saw it, they didn’t get mad. Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. They’re the most supportive people Donuthead: There was this dance on the planet, and they just sat him while I was in junior high called the down and told him, “We’re really Gigolo. It was real easy and if done proud of your decision to become a super fast would look like line dancers member of this North American on meth. Man-Boy Love Association thing. Dan: What’s your stance on religion? We’re behind you a hundred per- “Easy Christ” doesn’t paint a very cent,” which pissed Rod off way pretty picture. more than getting grounded. So, in Donuthead: I don’t really know what retaliation, he wrote a letter to some our lyrics are. I barely know the song porno company in Greece and titles. I’m like a hired gun. I just play ordered a subscription to Goat Cock bass or at least try to and I like to find Monthly or something and had it sent odd children’s instruments from to my house. I got home one day and garage sales to add sonic aural texture. the cops were standing on my front And act crazy. porch, waving it at me. Tommy: I’m personally not down Dan: Did you go to jail? with organized religion. “Easy Christ” Gator: I spent the night there. is about all the timecard-punchers who Bunny: Amazingly, I only got show up to church every Sunday to arrested once. I tried to pass myself “wash themselves clean” and then continue on with their regular off as Iggy Pop at an AA meeting way of living for another six days, twenty-three hours. (sarcasti- and they didn’t take to kindly to my throwing their coffee grounds cally) Easy enough! all over the place. Rod: Seriously, I think that people should be good to one another Dan: You guys have been compared to everyone from Happy Farm if they can be. Over the course of history, organized religion’s (a Swedish band) to Rot (a Brazilian band) to early, “unreleased killed more people than the Black Plague. Tell me how that’s a demo” Enya. I take it that this is on purpose? good thing. Bunny: As long as the world comes to the conclusion that I am god, treat me accordingly, and hand over the virgins before they off them, I have no problems with religion. Donuthead: I say keep them guessing. Don’t be pigeonholed. Dan: Figuring if you made a video, you’d only release it on Beta Tommy: We have no conscious purpose. The best bands just are. cassette, tell me what song you’d do and how the video would go. Dan: What’s the worst accident you’ve ever been in? Tommy: Well, for starters, Mr. I’ve-Got-It-All-Figured-Out, we Gator: Does my conception count? were kicking around the idea of releasing a laserdisc, as well. We Donuthead: I’m with Gator. For me was being born. It’s tough on my figured laserdiscs would be a nice break from the monotony of the parents that I turned out the way I did and they could have avoided hav- DVD train everyone has been hopping on with their video music ing me by using a condom or pulling out a little earlier. releases of late. And, yes, it will be out on Beta, as well. As far as Ponch: I wet the bed last week. the video itself, we might go the Replacements route, but instead Dan: If you could have every TV in the world pop on for an hour and it of showing nothing but a close-up of a stereo speaker and such the couldn’t change its channel, what would you show? entire time of the video, we’ll show a close-up of a VHS player Bunny: Hands down, Kookla, Fran and Ollie. Ever see the porno they and DVD player. made? Sheer brilliance. Rod: The video concept’s all done. It’s for our remake of a Rod: Ever see The Killing? That’s a great movie. I guess edit it down to Vibrators song. We’re doing a song called “Venus and an hour. Rollerblades.” It’s this lady getting liposuction on this crowded Donuthead: I would show, over and over, the intro to the children’s boardwalk, only she and the doctors are on rollerblades. television show, The Electric Company. Do you remember that show? I Lots of blood. I’m working on the zombie angle. loved that show as a kid. I never really learned anything from it but I DGFU Records, PO Box 5432, Atlanta, GA 31107 sure loved the song. Dan: Do you have an audience? 73 Pete
Andrew
Yawns Are Hellos
Anton Found Glory disc instead and look like a clueless poseur fop later. –Jimmy Please note: If you’re Alvarado (Hellbent) an established record company, and you send ARMY OF PONCH: Army of Ponch Vs. the Curse: CD EP us a pre-release without In an election year, we’re all looking for all the album art, we’re wedge issues in the culture war. We all need them to make sure that we only probably going to throw associate with people who are exactly that shit away... like us and won’t challenge us to change ourselves, our minds, or our opinions. cock gobblers. Fuck, even I need one to ensure that I’m doing my part to divide while claiming to unify, and I think I finally got it with 46 SHORT: this release. I’ve concluded that I simply Just a Liability: CD This is not the band you would think don’t get Army Of Ponch. I don’t under- Ron Martinez of Final Conflict fame stand what all the fuss is about. would be playing bass for. You would Screamed vocals, disjointed and slightly think more spiked hair than baseball chaotic music, chunky riffs that stay caps. Well, this band has that South Bay crispy even in milk – I think I need more sound of the early ‘80s meets D.I. melodies with this, that what’s really Nothing that made me want to kick a missing is a sense of harmony. It’s not hole in the wall but it gave me tinges to that this is bad – I’ve just finally real- go out and skate. –Donofthedead ized after a few separate attempts over (Go Kart) If this record would've come out in 1984, the time span of about a year that this it'd be kicking ass on eBay right now. –Cuss really isn’t my thing. –Puckett (Sabot) ACID MOTHERS TEMPLE: Mantra of Love: CD ARTIMUS PYLE: Usually, my first instinct when I see a Fucked from Birth: CD record that clocks in at forty-five min- If this release is any indication, I have Holy shit! I haven’t listened to this band AMPS FOR CHRIST: in a few years since their Civil Dead LP, utes with only two songs is to run for the been missing out on a lot. The songs are The People at Large: CD hills, but for some reason, I decided to mid-tempo to fast. It’s straight-up punk but I was fortunate enough to see them If Harry Smith’s “Anthology of live recently. What I remember from the take a chance on this ‘un, and I’m glad I rock with raw production that keeps American Folk Music” had consisted did. Sure, there’s a heavy “hippie” vibe things aggressive. Her vocals are past was laid to waste very moment they of Indian ragas and static-laden field started to perform. As loud as they were oozing offa this, but hell, I’m open to intense with anger and you truly believe recordings (instead of the hissing and most anything. The first track, the her words because of how she delivers. live, they are loud on this CD. Brutal, crackling blues songs and child ballads bass-heavy power riffage. The ampli- longer of the two, is essentially a thirty- I have read that she has had a lot of line- that it is), it might well have sounded five-minute jam based on a chant that up changes throughout their history, but fiers sound like they are on maximum like this. Although I’ve heard some overdrive. They do not rely heavily on manages to invoke in sound both Dead that does not hurt the music here. She people criticize this album as little Can Dance and Savage Republic, which seems to have built a sold backing here the powerviolence sound but incorpo- more than noise, it’s more immediately rate more of a dirge of feedback and is always a plus. I was doing something since there seems to be no weak link. interesting than the Deerhoof album around the house when I initially put The songs are strong and keep me atten- atonal noise to create the sound of pure reviewed elsewhere in these pages pre- pain. Like Kylesa and Dystopia, they this disc on and soon found myself sit- tive. Now I need to get off my ass and cisely because it combines noise with ting in front of the stereo in rapt atten- go see them live. –Donofthedead take noise and anger to another level. more traditional elements of American It’s an aural rampage that jerks you from tion to what was coming out of the (Rodent Popsicle) music; it begins with a clear under- speakers, which should say volumes fast to slow without sacrificing the ener- standing of something which is both gy. If music can be used to describe a about the music’s trance-inducing qual- AMONGST THE SHADOWS: familiar and forgotten and proceeds to ities. The second song wasn’t all that Demo: CD migraine headache, this would be it. interpret and update those structures in –Donofthedead (Prank) bad, either, but, boy, that first one was a For the most part, I think a lot of what’s intriguing ways, yielding an album bit mind-blowing. –Jimmy Alvarado considered the “new metal” these days which may prove to be the equivalent (www.alien8recordings.com) is a truckload of hand-selected shit. of an old Carter Family session in ATOM SMASHERS: You’ve got bands like Korn (yikes), Drop the Bomb: CD eighty years. Regardless of its future I have a friend named Adam Smasher, ALAN REPLICA: Linkin Park (yow), the ever-annoying impact, it’s fucking awesome right now Limp Bizkit (will Durst ever shut the and he’s way cooler than this CD! Adam Clockworks, Juliet: CD and I can’t think of anything better to Smasher once drove all the way to “Isolation,” the opening track on fuck up? He and Lars Ulrich need to put listen to on this stormy Sunday as I Clockworks, Juliet, is the rare song that their heads together and make an ass Brooklyn from Wisconsin just to see his wait for the tornado watches to expire. favorite band, The Onion Flavored lives up to its title. Synthesizers trickle outta themselves), and Rage Against –Puckett (5 Rue Christine) like raindrops and the forlorn melody The Machine (How’s that shiny, black Rings, but then he got so drunk that he plays like a face pressed up against a BMW driving these days, Zack? I bet passed out at the show before they even ANGELIC UPSTARTS: played. THAT, my friends, is punk! This cold windowpane watching the night. they have a lot of those on the reserva- Punk Singles Collection: CD Alan Replica sings on the verge of tears, tions, huh?). I mean, how many times CD, on the another hand, is nowhere The collected A-sides from this band’s near as cool as that. Pretty standard all cracking chords and congested nasal can these bands take what was created assorted singles are compiled on one passages, as the song beckons listeners and deemed sacred from bands like garage, of the sort that you’d expect disc so’s you don’t hafta keep getting’ from Rip Off these days. Not horrible, to continue on with the album. Alan Black Sabbath and piss all over it? up every few minutes to change the Replica works with slow, plodding beats Search me, but it obviously sells. I gotta not amazing. You know, like most record. All the hits are here, including garage punk! If this were a cereal, it’d that increase in speed and intensity as give some credit to Amongst the “I’m An Upstart,” “Liddle Towers,” the album progresses. Soon, the strings Shadows, though, due to the fact that be regular Chex. Take it or leave it. “Woman In Disguise,” etc., so if yer –Maddy (Rip Off) enter, and it becomes apparent that this they ain’t afraid to rock the way they lookin’ for a decent overview of their is one of the most genuine attempts at seem fit. I hear glints and glimmers of career without the commitment of actu- producing high-quality synthpop to Maiden in a lot of this demo and I gotta ally buying an album or two, this ATOMSMASHERS/ make it onto album in some time. There say, for a five-piece outfit whose age DeLOREANS: Split 7” should do the trick. My only gripe is Atomsmashers deliver some manner of is no trace of tongue-in-cheek ‘80s pos- range is eighteen to twenty-one, not to that it would’ve been nice to have a ing, no cries for the rhythmless nation to mention only being together for a little rabid thermonuclear attack concealed couple of the B-sides on disc as well, within the guise of a Trojan Zero Boys take to the dance floor and make like over six months, ATS can be a band that namely “Lust for Glory.” Ah, well, dying robots. This is music for people will be turning a lot of heads if they cover (“Hightime”) (good, i was getting such is life, I guess. –Jimmy Alvarado sick of “Civilization’s Dying”) and a who find romance hidden within Japan keep it up. My only piece of advice to (Captain Oi) and Ultravox records. these guys would be to kick out some marginally original original. DeLoreans –Liz Ohanesian (Ninth Wave; more straight-ahead cuts for us older play in the traditional Italian punk rock ANTIDOTE: style: Almost completely unmemorable, www.ninthwaverecords.com) fucks, like their “Under The Gun” track, Thou Shalt Not Kill: CD EP ‘cause that song’s happening in my but with no visible defects. Maybe a A reissue of a great 45 from this long- trunk full of blow is no longer part of ALL OR NOTHING H.C.: opinion. And Mitch – drop a suggestion gone ‘80s band, who cranked out some to the rest of your bandmates to cover the standard DeLorean accessory pack- What Doesn’t Kill You...: CD choice New York hardcore back when age? BEST SONG: Atomsmashers, I have read Renae Bryant’s columns in Pantera’s “Fucking Hostile.” I know that term didn’t mean lame tough-guy MRR for a number of years and she has damn well your band could do a fine “Hightime” BEST SIDE OF THE thug metal. The songs, eight in all, are COVER: DeLoreans. Monkeys serving mentioned her band many of times. I version, complete with your vocalist short, fast and to the point, naturally, never actively went out to purchase her doing Mr. Phillip Anselmo proud. band members pizza whilst they peruse and there ain’t a bad one in the bunch. New Warriors comic books surrounded band’s music and never went to check –Designated Dale (band contact: (562) Buy it now and be the envy of your out her shows. My loss. 587-2389) by radiating wedges of magenta and 76 punker pals or buy the latest New black is a very underutilized theme for record covers these days. FANTASTIC BILL PARKER AND HIS AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: From the MOTHERSCRATCHERS: Atomsmashers liner notes: “Many thanks United We Stand: CD to no one especially if come from Fake country music about Jesus and Wisconsin.” Uhhh... you’re welcome? about drinking and about as clever and –Rev. Nørb (Rockin’ Bones) interesting as fingernail dirt. –Cuss Baxter (Wrecked-Em) AUTUMN PICTURE: Fait Maison: CD BIRDS MAY BITE: Top 40 7”s This makes Pedro The Lion sound like If Startled: CD tough-guy hardcore. Seriously. –Puckett This CD rules for approximately six sec- (Hill Billy Stew) onds. For those six seconds, it is a warm, Did you know that breathy rush of melodic indie pop from BAD RELIGION: 1993. It reminds me of the Godrays, “CD” is short for The Empire Strikes First: CD Velocity Girl, Fudge – every last one of I have been listening to this for over a the bands that focused on using guitar “Aluminum Beer month and a half. That is pretty good tones to create an atmosphere, yet still since I have so many CDs and records tried to shape the form of that atmos- Coaster?” that I haven’t listened to sitting next to phere via hooks. At the end of that six the stereo. I get so excited about every seconds, the vocals kick in and the entire release that they put out. I have been a thing falls apart. It promptly downshifts These are the fan since they began in 1980 and contin- from promising indie pop into bland, lilt- top 7”S since ued to purchase every release since then, ing, headache-inducing guitar rock. At except that I still do not own a copy of about twenty-three seconds in, there was the last mag. the first 7”. I still listen to Into the a brief flash of potential with a riff which Unknown, even though they tried to sounded like it came from a Longshot destroy many of the copies and made it song, but then the organs came in and the Underground Medicine Mailorder, Conneticut one of the most collectable of their CD came out. –Puckett releases. If you liked The Process of (Egg White Thought) Belief, I think this album is much better. , The Mess You’re In (Ugly Pop) As many longtime fans cite Suffer as BLACK EYES: Cough: CD 1. Dream Dates their ultimate record, I think this is on par Sounds like a high school marching band 2. Some Action, self-titled (Gigantic) or surpasses that record. Being on a on a wicked PCP wigout – all honking , I Am Homicide (Shit Sandwich) major label for a time, the band has saxes, spastic drums, screaming and 3. Tyrades learned how to take advantage of a stu- blowing whistles. Two cats yell their jazz 4. Briefs, The Joy of Killing (Lollipop) dio. To me, the additional production val- poetry at each other over the wailing and , Go Nutzoid (Wrench) ues add to the power of the songs. Brooks 5. Real Losers gnashing of their artrock noise ensemble (Subway Star) Wakerman, already having an album 6. Nazis From Mars, American Express like some kind of terrible soundtrack to (Raw Power) under his belt with the band, shows that some kind of terrible movie about some- 7. Suburban Reptiles, Razor Smile he is starting to get comfortable and at thing terrible. But probably not as terri- , 2+2=? (Big Neck) home. The drumming on the song 8. Seger Liberation Army ble as I make it out to be. –Cuss Baxter (Criminal IQ) “Sinister Rouge” is incredible and on the (Dischord) 9. Krunchies, Interrobang album throughout. I almost forgot that he 10. Pegs, Robot Romance (Hostage) had played for Suicidal Tendencies for a BLACK LIPS: We Did Not time. Greg Graffin can always be count- Know the Forest Spirit Made ed on to write lyrics that aren’t at a sixth the Flowers Grow: CD grade reading level. His reuniting with Trashy slop more rooted in the ‘60s def- Brett Gurewitz as writing partner shows inition of the word “punk” than the mod- Know Crap Mailorder, that they need each other to bounce ideas ern connotation that word is saddled Oregon off of to get songs put together. They do with. The music sounds authentic to the 1. Gorilla Angreb benefit from having punk hall of famers , self-titled (Kick N Punch) times it’s trying to evoke, the singer 2. Lost Sounds Greg Hetson and Brian Baker to back sounds drunk and the rest of the guys , 3x7” Box Set (Rockin’ Bones) things up and provide input. I can’t forget 3. sound like they’re having a ball bashing Fe Fi Fo Fums, Electrofize Me (Boom Boom of Renton) Jay Bentley, who has been there from the their instruments in wild abandon. beginning, minus a record or two. All I –Jimmy Alvarado (Bomp) 4. Real Losers, Go Nutzoid (Wrench) can say that is if you are a new fan or a 5. Locomotions, A Little Bit of Lovin’ longtime fan, this doesn’t disappoint. (Perpetrator) BLANK ITS: Johnny’s Tongue 6. Tyrades, I Am Homicide Now I have to go out and get an actual b/w I’m OK: 7” (Shit Sandwich) 7. Alleycats, Nothing Means Nothing Anymore copy since I got a CD-R with no cover. Raw as an itchy rash. Simple as retard (Dangermouse) –Donofthedead (Epitaph) math. As catchy and blinding as syphilis 8. Headache City, Knee Jerk Reaction in the 18th century. Much like the Ka- (Shit Sandwich) BADNADS, THE: Knives, the charm of spazz, duct tape as 9. Locomotions, self-titled (Yakisana) Japanese Bloodbath: 7” lifestyle choice and fix-all, and the sound Brutus-style hardcore with a thick, red- of a singer singing though a face mask 10. Kodiaks, self-titled (Yakikasana) dish neck and a fetish for old school and a snorkel overcomes the need for wrasslin heels like Bruiser Brody and fidelity. Whereas Metallica uses lasers Abdullah the Butcher. Basic no-frills and NASA scientists to make what they ECW-core that fans of the Bump N’ call music, the Blank Its use a small box Uglies and/or Antiseen might enjoy, of blunt crayons. I like what they’re doo- Disgruntled Mailorder, California though I think both those bands do a bet- dling. If this 7” was first grader art, I’d ter job of it. And while I’m on the sub- happily magnet it to the fridge. Fans of ject, why is it that all these wrasslin the Spits, The Gories, and Supercharger 1. BellRays, Warhead (Bronx Cheer) bands kiss the boots of all the same are already hard wired to liking this. 2. Briefs/Shocks wrestlers? Sure Mick Foley was great –Todd (Band Its; [email protected]) split (Dirty Faces) back in his hardcore heyday, but I’d like 3. Weirdos, Destroy All Music (Bomp) to see some bands lionize some of the BLOCKO / MINORITY 4. Texas Terri/The Speed Kings more thickly body-haired kookballs like split (Devils Shitburner) BLUES BAND: Split 7” 5. Sick Fits George the Animal Steele and Mad Dog Blocko: Blocko tread that ever-thin ice , Mirror Creeps (Big Neck) Vachon. Just to spice things up a bit. that behemoths Leatherface and Hot 6. Diffs, self-titled (Headline) –Aphid Peewit (Scarey) Water Music have been skating on and 7. Starvations carving their own distinctive designs in , One Way to Remind (GSL) BELVEDERE: Fast Forward for years. The good news is that Blocko 8. Smut Peddlers Eats the Tape: CD brings a lot of their own to the table. The , Exit Plan (Ransom) It never ceases to amaze me how this cor- guitars swell, siren, and are played 9. Die Hunns/Radio 1 porate punk crap has managed to take the urgently, the singer doesn’t strain too , split (Disaster) hyper-speed thrash beat, which used to hard nor get lazy, and there’s a Jam-like 10. Seger Liberation Army pump a brother up and make him aggro, sensibility (and “down at the tubeway , 2+2=? (Big Neck) and make it about as slow and boring as station at midnight” feel) hiding right a John Denver record. –Jimmy Alvarado beneath the concrete that makes them (www.unionlabelgroup.com) very enjoyable to listen to. Their second Heartattack Ohs! Oh, subculture! Shower of Hits... Golden Shower of being “Smashing Hippies,” an ode to song, “Black Coffee,” is a cover by a –Maddy (Level-Plane) Hits... almost Seussian lyrics like “I beating hippies “with all your heart.” pop band I’ve never heard of, All Saints. picked it up, it weighed almost an ounce Apparently to these geniuses, however, It sounds weird on paper, but Die Toten BOXCAR SATAN: / on the top was a name that I couldn’t “hippies” are anyone who disagrees Hosen covered the same song, and, for Upstanding and Indigent: CD pronounce,” “Mystery Pill” is the exact with the current war and are “spouting some reason, it works well with the Singer sounds like Captain Beefheart type of midtempo, easily comprehensi- all you’re [sic] commie shit.” Well, as a punk rock treatment. Minority Blues and sings a million words in every song. ble number college DJs (at least used to) former skinhead, let me just ask you Band: Deep in the vein of Hüsker-Dü- Sometimes the band sounds like the wet their Golden Shower of Hits... this: If you are so filled with “pride,” loving DIY Japanese punk, I can’t say Jesus Lizard, sometimes more like Golden Shower of Hits... with some why don’t you fuck off to the nearest anything bad about ‘em. Catchy hooks, Beefheart’s band, sometimes like Mule authority that “Sally I Can’t Go to the recruitment center, join up and become lots of similarities to Japanese brethren or the Cows. If you like that stuff, you’ll Beach” is the best song with the word another “working class” corpse killed in like The Urchin, for their immediately get the picture. “I got back with a new “Beach” in the title of the last fifteen yet another rich man’s war instead of catchy energy and crazily precise play- tattoo of you kissing my ass.” years, and the best song with the name sitting safely at home and writing songs ing, and Florida’s Tim Version for layer Wholesome weirdness. –Cuss Baxter “Sally” in the title ever! That’s right! about beating up those who may dis- upon layer of sounds to wrap your brain (Dogfingers) Fuck you, Wilson Pickett! Fuck you, Sir agree with your blind, ignorant patrio- around. Super solid, no-fashion, no-pre- Mack Rice! Fuck you, Dick! Fuck you, tism? Toughskins: Ahhhh, now I under- tense punk. Oh, and the best Japanese to BRAT ATTACK, THE: Jane! Fuck you, Spot! The Briefs are stand where these jerkoffs – uh, bands – English translation? “Without you, nuts Destruction Sound System: CD coming to Golden Shower of Hits... are coming from, as the Toughskins go wrong.” Sweet split. Thumbs up. The first song, “Infighting and Golden Shower of Hits... which is what have laid it out for all to see in their –Todd (Snuffy Smile) Bickering,” excited me with its dual the Toy Dolls started relying too much opening salvo, “Payback”: “I know you female/male vocals and melodic pop on during their long, protracted decline dream of the day when you come BLUEBIRD: sound that reminded me of the now as well, so really i woulda saved my here/own some seven elevens but you Falling Back to Earth: CD EP defunct UK band Servo. I was hoping “Clash City Rockers” larceny for smell weird… all you fuckers – payback This is mostly comprised of outtakes for more! But no, the male vocals are Golden Shower of Hits... Golden is a bitch – better pray to allah you don’t from a session that resulted in another dominant here. Where did that great Shower of Hits... with “Lifestyles of the wind up in a ditch.” These is racist release, Hot Blooded. You get loud, female voice go? Two tracks of average Truly Lazy,” which is just stupid. Hey, baldies, and I’m willing to bet that heavy alt-rock for your buck, pretty punk rock. Track four is “Enemy” and Ronald Reagan died within four days of they’re of the ilk that says shit like, good for what it is, but ain’t exactly my the female vocals come back! The me hearing the song “No More “We’re not racist, we’re just proud of preferred bag o’ worms. –Jimmy vocals are soft and enduring and go into Presidents,” too bad you guys weren’t a our country and who we are,” and then Alvarado (Dim Mak) Brody and Courtney country during the band twenty years ago. BEST SONG: proceed to spout off dumb, hypocritical chorus. Tracks five through eight: male “Sally I Can’t Go to the Beach,” but i shit like the above. Well, now that BOBBY BARE JR’S YOUNG dude again. Yawn. Track nine, the dual will also accept “Mystery Pill” as an you’ve been sussed, allow me to extend CRIMINALS’ STARVATION vocals are back! You go, girl! Track ten alternate lifestyle BEST SONG TITLE: a middle finger to each of you. –Jimmy LEAGUE: From the End of is dude again. Skip. Track eleven has “Killed By Ants,” because who in this Alvarado (Headache) Your Leash: CD too much dude and not enough female post-Adam universe even bothers to Seems to me like an orchestral alt-coun- vocals. Track twelve: dude. Track thir- recall the punk/ant connection so viably BUSINESS, THE: try Flaming Lips. I probably got that teen: dude. Track fourteen: dude’s track established by Eater in 1978? FANTAS- Smash the Discos: CD wrong, but who cares? Bobby Bare Sr? up front, female vocals buried. Track TIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: This What we have here, kiddies, is the issu- Mister Peanut? Hotdog Teade? Hotdog fifteen comes back with dude singing record cover is red, yellow, gray and ing of the Business’ “first” album, one Teade! –Cuss Baxter (Bloodshot) the verses and female vocals in the cho- black and therefore does not coordinate they recorded before Suburban Rebels, rus. Track sixteen closes off with a rock with any of my outfits. Please do not but lost and, thus, remained unreleased BOMBSTRIKE/LEGION 666: ballad of sorts but dude is only a back- tape it to me. –Rev. Nørb (BYO) until now. What you get are rough, yet Split 7” ground singer. So I’m not sure who strong, versions of classic tunes like Bombstrike: Swedish D-Beat that car- dude is. On the CD there is Ben and BRIEFS: Sex Objects: CD “Drinking and Driving,” “Smash the ries on the tradition of a country that Dave who are listed as vocalists. They Man, it seems like these guys just get Discos,” “Guttersnipe,” “Work Or produces great punk bands. The vocals need to step back and just play guitars. better and better as time goes on. Last Riot,” and pretty much the bulk of what are harsh and in a yelled fashion. The No more singing. The female vocals, I long player I heard was their first was on Suburban Rebels, as well as “H- guitars are important when you play this think, are handled by Seana but there is (although I have an extensive collection Bomb,” “Law and Order,” “Last Train type of punk. They have to be very a picture of a Meaghan on the back that of assorted singles, so it’s not like I’m to Clapham Junction,” and a Sham and heavy with a lot of distortion. They fill says vocals, too. Put them up front on totally in the dark about what they’ve Crass cover, respectively. As with most that requirement. The bass is also dis- vocal duties and this band would be been up to since that disc hit the streets), Captain Oi releases, there are a few torted and that is a plus. It makes the much improved in my book. Sounds and while I thought that record was just bonus tracks on here as well, namely sound bottom heavy. The drums are like I’m a dude hater, huh? peachy, this is one is miles above that versions of “Loud Proud and Punk,” more than competent and they drive –Donofthedead (Steel Capped) one when it comes to the “hit versus “Real Enemy,” “Disco Girls,” “Dayo,” home that bass heavy sound. Legion miss” ratio. This is one solid piece of and the single version of “Smash the 666: D-Beat crust with a down and dirty BRIEFS, THE: work here, and it boggles the mind that Discos,” as well as lyrics to the tunes metal sound by way of Canada. If you Sex Objects: CD these guys aren’t played every five min- and some liner notes detailing the haven’t bought their great split LP with ...something about this record Golden utes on your local quality radio station. album’s history. Frankly, as a longtime Brazil’s Sick Terror, you are missing Shower of Hits... Golden Shower of Then again, one would need a quality fan, I’m fuggin’ stoked. –Jimmy out. Their first song starts out with a Hits... can’t exactly put my finger on station. –Jimmy Alvarado (BYO) Alvarado (Captain Oi) wicked metal intro and goes into D-Beat Golden Shower of Hits... Golden glory. Also included is a Crude SS Shower of Hits... “Orange Alert,” pre- BROKEN BONES: CAPTAIN EVERYTHING!: cover! Two songs each and worth the sumably a cautionary tale about their No-One Survives: 7” EP It’s Not Rocket Science: CD effort of seeking out and purchasing. last Golden Shower of Hits... Golden One of the early “crossover” punk bands Pop-punk that threatens to become ska- –Donofthedead (Schizophrenic) Shower of Hits... and, while i can cer- returns with three new tracks of metal- punk on the second track. Call it a guilty tainly appreciate the unbridled crafts- lic, Discharge-influenced hardcore, pleasure, call it bad taste, I like it. It’s BOOKS LIE: Hall of Fame of manship it takes to introduce the lead to which makes total sense when you take summer and this is super-catchy and Fire (Plus Singles and B-sides): a song called “Halfsize Girl” with the into account that former Discharger dancey, so lighten up. – Megan CD impassioned reminder to “keep it Bones is on guitar. Not as intense as I (Household Name) When I was in college several years ago, short!” you’ve eventually got to admit remember them being back in the day, almost all the punks there were exclu- that Golden Shower of Hits... Golden but it still manages to do the trick. CASINO VOLANTE/ sively into grindcore, noise, thrash, Shower of Hits... so like aren’t songs Limited to 800 copies, 400 of which are WAISTCOATS: Split 2 x 7” emo, etc. What was a decent, harmony- like “Destroy the USA” and “No More on white vinyl. –Jimmy Alvarado (Dr. Casino Volante are an English band who loving punk who wasn’t given to public Presidents” just the aging punkly equiv- Strange) contribute four essentially placid surf emotional breakdowns to do? Well, alent of those old tribute/spoof ‘50s type instrumentals with reverb and whammy when in Rome… I ended up going to a numbers decaying rockers in the ‘70s BROKEN BOTTLES: Drinking bars and minor chords and all that other fair amount of shows I would’ve never and ‘80s used to occasionally include on in the Rain: CD-Single appropriate shit. The Waistcoats are gone to otherwise, and one of those their albums (i’m thinking that “Wham- Hey! It’s the Adolescent Distortion of Dutch neo-mods (mods more like shows was Books Lie. I actually ended a-lama-lama-lama rock and roll is king” Liberty! They’re so whiny and SoCal “Keith Moon’s balls mod” than like up seeing them a few times, and, out of song by ELO here but that’s probably 1981, the only thing sillier than the fact “touch-up paint for your Vespa™ all “those” bands, they were the only not a very good Golden Shower of that they even exist is that they put out a mod”), who apparently thought i would- ones I actually thought were all right. Hits... Golden Shower of Hits... songs two-song CD! It does have a video, but n’t notice that their corkin’, Farfisa™- This CD is both a new album and lots of are actually the Briefs’ equivalent of it’s about drinking in the rain! Hey guys, driven instrumental “Jack’s Off Day” singles and b-sides. Hardcore with some “Old Time Rock & Roll???” CAN THIS drink in your houses! –Cuss Baxter found herein is THE EXACT SAME metal influence, definitely a BE HAPPENING??? Now, granted i (TKO) SONG as their corkin’, Farfisa™-driven Heartattack kind of thing! I’d be lying if Golden Shower of Hits... Golden instrumental “Jack’s Day Off” found on I said I listen to it all the time, but the Shower of Hits... but overreacting or BROKEN HEROES/ their All The Rage album. WELL, I fact that I listen to it at all, given my not, i can’t help but Golden Shower of TOUGHSKINS: Split: 7” EP GOT NEWS FOR YA! I NOTICED! musical tastes, must be worth some- Hits... Golden Shower of Hits... you Broken Heroes: Two mind-bogglingly YOU GODDAMN KIDS thing! If this were a cereal, it’d be know? On the brighter side Golden stupid songs, the dumber of the two WILL NEVER GET 79 AWAY WITH THIS! I KNOW MY CHASED AND SMASHED: cereal, it’d be I Don’t Understand-Ohs. losses / I’m coming home to mend the RIGHTS! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE 30 Seconds Over Hillsboro: LP –Maddy (Gold Standard Laboratories) cracks / In the fragile détente of our AND WHAT YOU DID! Luckily, “Jack’s The packaging and vinyl are immacu- love.” Unfortunately, it’s difficult to Day Off”/”Jack’s Off Day” is my late. The thick insert that has comic and COCKNEY REJECTS: look at this record in a vacuum which favorite Waistcoats song, so i won’t be lyric sheet. Blue vinyl. Chased and Greatest Hits Vol. 1: CD excludes Communiqué’s history pressing charges this time. Roundin’ out Smashed are in the same pajama party Back when I was a kid, there was a because of the debates that broke out their lot is a pretty cool cover of the record shop, Roadhouse Records, next when American Steel released Jagged th of dirty, pop-liking, DIY punk rock as Moving Sidewalks’ oft-covered “99 ADDC, Allergic to Bullshit, and to the youth center my dad ran in Thoughts. In truth, those discussions Floor,” a Yardbirds-styled honker, and Crimpshrine, with a slight whiff of Montebello. Whenever my brother and I weren’t debates as much as a collective an additional instrumental of much less Fleshies thrown in for rockatude. That would go with my father to work, we’d questioning of whether evolving beyond ambient corkitude. The Waistcoats are said, if they were put on a bill, I feel like pop over to Roadhouse to peruse the a stringent and dogmatic scene was sell- worth a sniff, but unless you were look- they’d be the opening band. Although shelves and stock up on punk badges ing out. Most people didn’t think of the ing for an excuse to stock your larder not terrible – there’s some toe tapping and copies of Flipside. Because the album as a progression; American Steel with some more surf instrumentals, i’m going on – Chased and Smashed isn’t owner of said record shop was a friend – one of the most vital and creative punk not so sure the split-double-seven-inch terribly memorable. Pretty standard of my father’s, we managed to make a bands of the last two decades – broke up would be the model of efficiency you so fare. –Todd (Onion Flavored) deal with him that if no one came in and not long after that. I’ve always won- richly deserve. BEST SONG: bought the punk LPs he occasionally dered whether those attitudes caused the Waistcoats, “Jack’s Off Day” BEST CHAZ HALO: stocked within a month or so, he’d sell break-up or were just another factor SONG TITLE: Casino Volante, Amazing Graceless ‘em to us for two or three bucks. It and, in that respect, Poison Arrows “Breathe, Elvis, Breathe” FANTASTIC (Demos 2002-2003): CD worked out swell for all involved seems like an answer record, an abiding AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: I believe i Chaz Halo’s old band, The Dimestore because he’d clear a room for the lame gesture of defiance to people’s limited covered this with the whole “Jack’s Day Haloes, are one of the most under- metal records that were popular at the and limiting expectations. Jagged Off” thing. –Rev. Nørb (Rockin’ Bones) appreciated bands in punk rock history. time and we got brand new albums for a Thoughts was much closer to Poison Classic late ‘70s rock and roll sound song. To make a long story short, this Arrows than it was to anything else that CATHOLIC DISCIPLINE: crossed with depression and loss and was one o’ those records. I remember American Steel had done and, while you Underground Babylon: CD lots of Bukowski. I love ‘em! This CD is rushing home, plopping it on the record can still hear the echoes of the band’s Total LA punk rock archival boner. full of newer Chaz Halo songs, heard player and being blown outta the room punk rock history, they resonate far Catholic Discipline, memorialized in here backed by – ack! – a drum by what I still consider to be the UK’s more quietly now, held in notes and riffs Decline of Western Civilization, never machine! Bad technology notwithstand- answer to Black Flag. Songs like that only seem to provide a peek into a recorded track one in a studio, was a ing, there are some amazing songs in “They’re Gonna Put Me Away,” rearview mirror at a past which is quick- supergroup of sorts, lasted only six here, like “Baby Comes Undone,” but “Fighting in the Streets,” and “Police ly receding into distant memory. I’m lis- months almost a quarter of a century Car” easily rival that band’s best work tening to Poison Arrows for approxi- they all point to one obvious fact: This th ago (‘79-’80), and only played out of man needs a band! As punk rockers, it is in terms of intensity, and, like Black mately the 30 time in the last week LA once. And here are twenty-one our duty to patronize the arts, and so, if Flag, the Reject’s efforts helped spawn a and still can’t think of anything else tracks from live recordings and radio you’re living on the East Coast, and you whole new subgenre of punk rock, in which has been released this year which performances on one handy CD. It’s got play an instrument, for the love of all their case what became known as “oi.” is as elegant, stately, and touching, nor the feel of the Screamers LP that was things punk, give this man a call! If this Twenty-plus years on, the tracks here am I aware of anything scheduled for put together twenty-plus years after the were a cereal, it’d be the test demo for a still hold up and still generate that same release which will be able to catch up to fact. It’s half “this is weird, good, and new breed of Corn Pops. Yum! –Maddy sense of immediacy they did so long these breathtaking songs. Sometimes, well played” and half the feel not unlike (Black Nipple) ago. In addition to the original album’s making a clean break is the best thing legendary folk music collector Alan tracks, Captain Oi serves up the Flares that can happen and the best decision Lomax’s scouring the south in the 1930s CHEESEBURGER: and Slippers EP and some BBC sessions someone can make; in this case, there’s and 1940s for original music made by Self-titled: CD-EP to sweeten the deal. In the grand pan- just no question that it was. –Puckett real people in the field. Folks. Spirit Cheeseburger is a rock and roll master- theon of English punk rock records, this (Lookout!) over fidelity. Crudeness and honesty piece; a stompy, ragged, AC/DC-in- puppy ranks in the top fuggin’ three and over any sort of professional validation. Estrus tumble down a staircase clad in as far as Rejects albums themselves, this CONCUBINE FORMING: Varied recording levels, dropouts, and 10-grit sandpaper. The CD’s four songs is, hands down THEE BEST of the lot. The Guilt Will Kill: CD uneven recordings merely underscore bristle with rocknroll drugsnpartying (Captain Oi) From the packaging, I was expecting the “fuck it, we’re all going to be nuked cliches that never sounded so right, some patently lame straight edge metal anyway” attitude of late ‘70s punk. This probably because the accompaniment is COCKNEY REJECTS: or something, but what’s coming out of time, with Catholic Discipline, it’s just so goddamn perfect, even without a Greatest Hits Vol. 2: CD the speakers is some dual urban, cynical, and fueled and shaped bass player. Also a thing about a pirate I Captain Oi has seen fit to reissue album guitar/bass/drum machine skronk, by a chain-smoking, heavily drinking can’t understand the words to. I love number two from these boys, and we are which, compared to the former, is by all Frenchman. The vocal charge and cap- you, Cheeseburger! –Cuss Baxter all the better for it. While not as consis- means a good thing. Their brand of tain of the ship was Claude Bessy (Aerodrome) tently awe-inspiring as the first album, noise was a tad redundant, but “March (Kickboy Face, editor of Slash, RIP). with Stinky in particular not belting out of the Robots,” ironically the longest The band was co-formed by Craig Lee CHORDVETTS: them vocals like he did on prior efforts, track on the disc, was pretty danged (Bags, long-time LA Weekly contributor, Hana Fumi Hisae: 7” this is still one monster of an album, good, and the unlisted cover of Billy RIP) who plays drums. Phranc (Nervous Deliriously squeaky trio of Asiatic with classic tunes like “Subculture,” Squier’s “The Stroke” was good for a Gender and long-time solo artist) on females (oh no! El Guapo sighting! El “War on the Terraces,” “Urban laugh. –Jimmy Alvarado (Big Neck) guitar, Rick Brodey (B-People, who was Guapo sighting!) whose five songs Guerrilla” and, of course, “Oi Oi Oi,” married at the time to Alice Bag) on worth of protean 5.6.7.8.s-meets-the- the song that gave the movement its CRUMBS, THE: bass, Richard Meade on synths, who Brentwoods garage-pop can transform name. Also included here are assorted Hold That Shit Right!: CD would be replaced by Robert Lopez Earth’s most manly subwoofer into a singles tracks and BBC sessions for ...if the Crumbs woulda kept on with (Zeros, and currently he’s El Vez) two-inch tweeter in jig-time. Their ver- your listening pleasure. If you have any that Farfisa™ thing, they would’ve rounds out the troupe. The idea behind sion of the oft-covered Hollies standard sense at all, you already own a copy of fuckin’ ruled the last half of the pop- the band was that even though all of the “Come on Back” sounds like the this. –Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi) punk ‘90s. Just fuckin’ kicked every- members were accomplished musicians Martian voice from “The Martian Hop” body else’s ass. They were neither terri- (except Claude. It was his first band), singing dub reggae over a backbeat cre- COMMUNIQUÉ: bly original nor astoundingly proficient, they picked up instruments they hadn’t ated by a piece of bacon the size of a Poison Arrows: CD but they were good enough – kind of played before and started from scratch. quarter-mile of four-lane highway siz- Unless Ted Leo comes out with a new like an early-ish Screeching Weasel plus Listening to this, and it may be through zling under the universe’s largest mag- record in 2004, Lookout! won’t release rock & roll plus those kinda sing-song telekinesis or pollution, there are echoes nifying glass. Shucks, ladies, you had anything else that’s as good as this. With melodies the Jockstrap Murphys would of Catholic Discipline in more than sev- me at “Martian!” BEST SONG: “I this follow-up to 2003’s A Crescent later do whiz-bang business with plus eral current Southern California punk Fought the Law” BEST SONG TITLE: Honeymoon, the former members of maybe a little upbeat Dead Boys-type bands. The Distraction, Radio Vago, “My Boyfriend’s Learning Karate” American Steel begin mining a shaft guitar mischief for good measure – and, The Fuse! and The Sharp Ease come FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA that most bands left behind in the 1980s of course, they had the singer with the instantly to mind – the angularity, the FACT: They actually spell the Bobby and find that precious gems still exist. Peruvian accent that all the chicks found sharp and jagged use of instruments, the Fuller Four song “I Fought The Low” Falling somewhere between Marc soooo unbearably precious – thus all mordant tempos, all tempered by an on the cover and label. As far as the EQ Almond’s cabaret pop and Duran they had to do was stick that goddamn almost subliminal melody. My only goes, i would say in this particular battle Duran’s synth-driven guitar rock, Farfisa™ in the mix for keeps, and it’s slight criticism is that I wish there were they were quite successful. –Rev. Nørb Poison Arrows turns inward, tenderly swimming pools and movie stars, forev- lyrics to these songs. It’s not merely (I Don’t Feel a Thing!) focusing on the intricacies and complex- er and ever, amen. But they didn’t, and archival curiosity, but because Claude ities of human relationships which all now an evil man is president!!! Learn was respected as one of the best writers CHROMATICS: too often lead to failure. Like all the best from this experience, children, lest you in the original LA punk rock wave and Plaster Hounds: CD albums, it’s guarded and occasionally be doomed to repeat it! That aside, this it’d be cool read what he was singing Arty and boring, but hey, I could imag- bitter (“Dagger Vision”) but there’s also package gathers together the tracks from about. Excellent stuff. –Todd (Artfix) ine people into that sort of thing digging a potential for redemption here, suggest- the Spaghetti & Schlitz™ 10” (including this. Yes, I am serious! If this were a ed in songs like “Strays” in lines like the almighty “Farfisa™ Song,” which is “I’m coming home / With nothing but actually called... let me see... “Get All Tangled Up,” i think. What a stupid CUTS, THE: Self-titled: CD you consider that this is a folk album in version of something she did previous- name. They should have called it “The As best i can tell (and my knowledge of the tradition of Woody Guthrie, Phil ly (presumably of a less shrill, pointless Farfisa™ Song,” like everybody else this band is by no means comprehen- Ochs and Pete Seeger. Then again, I’ve nature) or a day-late, dollar-short did) and some singles and stuff – i’d be sive), this is the band’s firstly-recorded, always had a fondness for folk songs. attempt at something the Loudmouths more specific, but the origins of the but secondly-released album. I thought At a theoretical level, they are usually already did far more successfully like tracks are so poorly documented in the the first one (i.e., the second one) one of the purest expressions of DIY. five years ago or something. The one packaging that i’d hafta read thru about plowed a passable demi-Television fur- At a practical level, they usually redeeming feature is the cool Greg six members’ various liner note remi- row, i guess (probably better than the express the most radical politics Ginn knockoff guitar runs; presumably, niscences to scrape together all the actual second Television album, as i because they can embody the voice of given a few years of practice and sea- data, and wouldn’t anybody who remember it, but that’s not saying much one person. I don’t think it’s really too soning to properly hone their craft, they thought they really needed this stuff in either instance) – some manner of surprising that The Weakerthans, one of might well aspire to be the next Dick already have it anyway? Next off, this mutational present-day East Bay take the more folk-inclined bands currently Army. Congratufuckinlations. BEST shoulda been released as Spaghetti & on ‘70s Manhattan art-rock. This sec- recording, also express some of the SONG: As no one saw fit to include a Schlitz (which is actually called... let ond album (which is the first one) kicks more sensitively crafted political ideas track listing with the review copy, i’ll me see... Get All Tangled Up, i think. off with “Do the Sleeper,” an above in music. Rovics, a musician who I say the one with the “Rise Above” rip- What a stupid name. They should have average (and, for them, comparatively wasn’t familiar with, works in a similar off leads. BEST SONG TITLE: I guess called it The Spaghetti & Schlitz™ 10- stormin’) ‘60s-ish pop-rocker whose vein, although his songs are far more i’ll have to say “What a Way to Die,” inch, like everybody else did) + 10 or opening riff kinda reminds me of the overt and really don’t require any pars- because said Pleasure Seekers cover is something, for two reasons: 1) The one in “Teardrop City” by the Monkees ing at all. These songs are about as sub- the only song i know to actually HAVE original Spaghetti and Schlitz™ cover (which itself reminds me of the open- tle as a bag of hammers because, as a a title. FANTASTIC AMAZING photo kicked ass, and 2) that would ing riff of “Last Train to Clarksville,” rule, folk music doesn’t want to be TRIVIA FACT: According to the press mandate that the eight songs off the 10- which drew heavily upon the opening vague or misinterpreted. Back to the release, 200 copies of the album are on inch occupy the first eight slots on the riff of the Beatles’ “Paperback Writer,” songs, it’s fair to say that they’re blunt. “invisable” wax. I kinda wish this CD disc, WHICH WOULD BE REALLY so... you know, there ya go), spends a You can’t really misread them or mis- was “invisable,” actually. –Rev. Nørb HANDY, BECAUSE THE OTHER while sounding like what the Chocolate understand them. They’re pretty pro- (Jonny Cat) TEN SONGS ON THIS DISC ARE SO Watchband mighta sounded like were gressive – or, if you prefer, left-wing. FRICKING QUIET AS TO BE LITER- they the house band at Max’s Kansas They all seem to have a sad sort of DECLARATION OF WAR: ALLY PRACTICALLY INAUDIBLE, City every Thursday night in 1976, black humor; as we all know, it’s fairly 4-song CD-R and if they were all buried at the end, takes one cool stumble into flat-out easy to laugh at horror these days, Pretty bad, aimless, tuneless hardcore. the end user would only be required to Velvet Underground (circa in between probably because we’ve all seen so If this were a cereal, it’d be “If-You’re- get up and crank the volume (by like albums 3 and 4) piracy (with the guitar much of it. However, there’s also hope In-High-School-Don’t-Worry-I- 800% or something) on one occasion. I doing that one Lou Reed thing that i here and perhaps that’s the thing that Produced-Much-Worse-Punk-Rock- mean, i’ve been responsible for more could show you with my mouth but most draws me to this record… while Items-In-My-Youth-Than-This Ohs.” than my share of recordings with vari- would take far too long to dope out the Rovics isn’t pulling any punches, it’s –Maddy (self-released?) able sound levels (“Sheena’s Got a proper written onomatopoeia for) and because he’s using these hard-hitting Microwave,” anyone?) but THIS is then meanders into something more songs to help shape a better future and, DEERHOOF: Milk Man: CD fucking RIDICULOUS. It sounds like Jefferson Airplane oriented and there- as sad as it is to say, it’s highly unlike- Weirded-out avant-pop – Deerhoof is this: whisper whisper whisper whisper fore beneath my notice. BEST SONG: ly that such a future can be built with- an acquired musical taste with lots of RRAAHHRR RRRAHHHR RAAH- Either “Do the Sleeper” or “Don’t out a brawl or two. blips, twitters, and odd sound textures HHRRR RRAAHHHRRR whisper Look Behind” BEST SONG TITLE: –Puckett (AK Press) that put them right in line with inciden- whisper whisper. I kinda fail to see how “The Spider” FANTASTIC AMAZING tal music from cartoons and the sonic no one noticed this beforehand. All i TRIVIA FACT: The Pistons are up by DEAD END KIDS: I’m So portraits of labelmates Xiu Xiu, Young can say is that it’s a darn good thing this one right now. –Rev. Nørb (Birdman) Bored with the U.K.: CD People, and Hella. In some ways, it disc isn’t called COMPILE That Shit Pretty generic ‘70s influenced punk. sounds tremendously Japanese – Right! BEST SONG: The Farfisa CZOLGOSZ/ The promo sheet says they are an waifish vocals, skewed melodies and Song! BEST SONG TITLE: “Dothan, EN LA OLLA: split 7” “incredibly important band.” What offbeat sensibilities which veer from Pill City, USA” FANTASTIC AMAZ- Czolgosz: anarcho-politcal punk with a does that even mean? Maybe Paul playful to ominous. Frankly, I’m still ING TRIVIA FACT: Worst Tommy Roe strong Dead Kennedys influence. The Robeson or Woody Guthrie or Minor torn on this album and haven’t yet lis- cover ever! –Rev. Nørb (Recess) name stumps me. Leon Czolgosz was Threat were “incredibly important,” tened to it enough times to determine executed on October 1901 for the helping create and sustain political cul- whether it’s utterly brilliant or some- CURL UP AND DIE: But the assassination of President McKinley. ture and build community, but this? thing that will wind up being passed on Past Ain’t Through with Us: He had been a socialist who became This is just music, dumb and fun, the to someone else. What I know at this CDEP bored with the movement and moved to way this kind of music should be. point is that this indie-pop is interesting Three tracks of mostly Morbid Angelic Chicago to meet with anarchists, who Unfortunately, this just isn’t fun or enough to warrant the time necessary to metal, and a fourteen-minute finale thought him to be a spy and rejected catchy enough. If this were a cereal, make that judgment. –Puckett consisting of beats, loops, guitar him. He implicated one his few sup- it’d be unfrosted Mini-Wheats. Yawn. (5 Rue Christine) effects, static, guitar jangle, some more porters, Emma Goldman, in the assassi- –Maddy (No Front Teeth) metal, feedback, and some other quiet nation even though she was in another DEPTH CHARGE REVOLT: stuff. Like a whole college radio station state at the time of his act. After she DEADLY WEAPONS: The Inaudible Growl: CD in one song. –Cuss Baxter (Revelation) was released from jail for insufficient Get Right in There: CD This is pretty strange. The music is like evidence, she still fought for him, and ...the ‘90s Bay Area Garage Mafia have when Bill and Ted get to the future and CUT THE SHIT: shortly before his execution he stated a pretty lackluster track record when it Rufus shows them the music they cre- Marked for Life: CD that she had never had anything to do comes to pulling off the “shorter, faster, ated. Then there’s someone screaming On first listen, this twenty-seven song with his actions. Oh, and their label, louder!” thing (case in point being on top of that really mellow, guitar-dri- collection of Cut the Shit’s two EPs Sept 6, the date McKinley was shot, Greg “Midas Touch” Lowery’s Zodiac ven stuff, but the levels are all the same goes by like a blister forming. It hap- which has a PO Box address. That’s Killers needing three attempts [and so the yelling is all muted and soft. It’s pens quick. It’s painful, bulging, sensi- what I’ve never understood about anar- who knows how many lineups?] before pretty arty. –Megan (Drama Destroyed) tive-to-the-touch hardcore, but it’s fun chists. How can you tout anti-govern- going relatively yard with an album); i to pick at to see the pus ooze out, much ment rhetoric, but then directly benefit would be hard-pressed to understand DESCENDENTS: like Dead Nation (who’ve been Tear It from a government institution like the why Tina Lucchesi (you know...from Cool to Be You: CD Up for a bit now, but I really like that postal service? If I stood that firmly the Bobby/Trash/Total/Whatever It Is Jeez, where does one begin when Dead Nation record, Dead End). behind those beliefs I guess I’d be sad- This Week Women/ Teens/ Babes/ speaking of the Descendents? These Several listens in, it’s as awesome by dling up my pony to deliver the mail. Whatever It Is This Week) felt com- guys have been a personal favorite of both what it is and isn’t. Thankfully, En La Olla: topical rather than political pelled to take a similarly futile whack mine since White Morgan lent me the there’s no metal. It’s not jocky, but it’s punk in that they deal with general con- at this type of record as well, but i can’t Fat EP back in junior high school, and as unforgiving as falling fifteen feet cepts rather than direct issues. Lyrics imagine it’s ‘cause she thinks she ain’t while they may not have always man- down onto cement. It’s also not 100% are in Spanish. The better side of the in enough bands. Maybe she’s trying to aged to consistently deliver the goods blurring by. There are great song titles. split. –Megan (Sept. 6) spread herself too thin for health rea- over the years (the ALL album, which I can easily get behind stuff like “I sons or something? Beats me. If i’m admittedly has some of their best work, Officially Have No Idea What It Is That DAVID ROVICS: Behind the supposed to appreciate this on the is uneven at best), their “comeback” the Kids Want.” It takes a bit for the Barricades: The Best of David grounds of it being all FAST and record, Everything Sucks, was a nice ears to catch the pace – and this is what Rovics: CD VICIOUS and CRAZED and VILE, it’s return to form, and this, their latest, is a I really like – there are some melodies It may sound odd to hear that I can’t nowhere near FAST and VICIOUS and fine extension on that album. There that sound like musical notes laced think of a single album I’ve reviewed CRAZED and VILE enough to work may be a dearth of obligatory thrashers onto barbed wire being swung above for this issue which is more punk than for me. If i’m supposed to appreciate it here, but it is nonetheless chock full of their heads the whole time, a la DS-13, this one, especially considering that because it’s well-crafted, catchy Tina some of the finest pop a punk band ever Career Suicide, and Fucked Up. The this is one person with an acoustic gui- Stuff (as, admittedly, most Tina Stuff mustered – taut, tight as hell, melan- Bored to Death EP part of this CD sold tar and some bitter, scabrous humor. It tends to be), it ain’t anywhere well- choly and tough as nails all at once. me on ‘em. Me likey plenty. –Todd may seem even more unusual when crafted nor catchy enough, and it all More amazingly, with the explosion of (Gloom) comes off either as a shrill, pointless tenth-rate pop-punk bands inundating the airwaves, these boys still manage to DIMLAIA: Self-titled: CD know it’s a stretch – songs that sound probably like the Dukes a lot better if somehow set themselves apart from the Should’ve been titled Screamo: The like they haven’t been played a thou- they were my friends and I was watch- pack simply by playing with a level of Soundtrack to Jimmy Alvarado’s Worst sand times. That’s the disappointment. ing them live and I was drunk. With honesty most of the new jack bands Nightmares. Nothing like piss-poor Everything on this record’s been done nothing but this recording to go on, I’m lack. When Milo sings an anthem to attempts at being all arty ‘n’ shit PLUS before, and better – like the DKM’s Do not wild over it. The Altaira half of the being a glasses-wearing nerd, he ain’t a fucker screeching in your ear to or Die – and that leaves us standing split picks things up considerably. I’ve just whistling Dixie, kid. My only gripe aggravate already raging neuroses. around in a big, ol’ streetpunk/oi been listening to these guys since their is that seven years is TOO FUCKING –Jimmy Alvarado thought ghetto in very tight pants and guitar player, J., sent me their demo to LONG to make us wait between (www.lifeisabuse.com) careful bootlace selection, staring at review. I liked the demo and things just albums. There’s got to be torture laws one another. (Grab the cymbal so it keep getting better. They owe a lot to they’re violatin’ by having us sit and DISCIPLINE/ARGY BARGY: stops vibrating.) –Todd (Rockstar) Tiltwheel, musically speaking, but wait year after year after year for the 100% Thug Rock: Split CD they’ve branched out enough on their next fix. The copy of this I happen to be Discipline: Think the Vanilla Muffins DRUGS, THE/ DRUGS, THE: own to avoid being a Tiltwheel clone. reviewing is destined to be played until with a gruffer singer. They were better Split 7” Still, they get Davey to sing a song on it disintegrates, and then replaced than I remember them being. Argy One’s from Brazil, and the other one’s this split, and Altaira lay down five numerous times over the course of my Bargy: More of the same with an even from Holland. They’re both essentially solid songs that make this split worth it lifetime. –Jimmy Alvarado (Fat) gruffer singer than the one fronting lo-fi, hi-energy garage punk, but the for their half, alone. –Sean (A.D.D.) Discipline. Nothing really blew my Brazil one sounds more like the Mad DESPISTADO: The skirt up on here or anything, but listen- (!) or something from Back from the EGAN’S RATS: Emergency Response: CD EP ing to either band wasn’t exactly a Grave, while the Holland one has one Shanghaied: 7” EP Is it really so hard to send out the actu- painful experience, either. –Jimmy that sounds like the Fartz (!!), and one I see a bunch of a number of skin-ori- al release? Even if I wanted to review Alvarado (Captain Oi) that’s more bluesy, with a laid-back ented t-shirts in the xeroxed photos on this promo, I don’t have any liner notes. part and a rave-up part. Guess which the back of the lyric sheet, but the mid- I can’t tell you what any of the song DOWN AND AWAY: one has funnier personnel names. tempo punk stuff I’m hearin’ is more titles are – about all I can say is that this Set to Blow!: CD Funniest name from Brazil is Fred, but akin to late ‘80s bands like reminds me of Braid, Cap’n Jazz in (Shout the intro.) I blew my wad on Holland has Peter Alias Mr. Boogie- Crimpshrine. This ain’t a bad thang, but their more musically competent (and Down and Away’s split with Woogie and Hotdog Teade. Hotdog I found it kinda interesting. If they’re far less interesting) moments and Hey Smalltown, but this full-length leaves Teade! –Cuss Baxter (Rockin’ Bones) shootin’ for the whole skin trip, the Mercedes. And with that said, since I me disappointed. Standardization’s the lyrics are way above average for that have to pull this disc out of the CD problem. Most of these songs could DUKES OF HILLSBOR- scene, with virtually no references to player to read the title, I think I’ve pass for b-sides to Dropkick Murphys OUGH, THE/ ALTAIRA: drinking and fighting, and their sense wasted enough words and time on this. songs. (Raise fist. Mention the streets.) Sometimes You Eat the Bar, of not fitting into the greater society is –Puckett (Jade Tree) The production’s squeaky clean. Sometimes the Bar Eats You: interestingly optimistic. Not too shabby (Chorus.) The chops are there. The Split CD on the whole. –Jimmy Alvarado DESTRUCTION UNIT: anthems are all in place (“Hey, ho, The Dukes of Hillsborough play a (www.geocities.com/egansrats) Self-titled: CD come on, let’s go.”), but it all seems so heavy blend of melodic hardcore. It’s Overblown synthpunk from one or two pat, so by the numbers. (Short solo the kind of thing you’d expect from a ELECTRIC FRANKEN- ex-Reatards that goes from desperate here.) No chills. No fire. (Vague lyrics band opening for Hot Water Music. A STEIN: We Will Bury You!: and creepy to frantic and bright, all about us vs. them. Us good. Them, they few people whose musical taste I 2 x CD over the exhilarating place like tusslin’ don’t understand us.) No sparks. respect have recommended the Dukes There was a golden time back in the with a spastic waving a couple razor Nothing’s embarrassing about this CD, of Hillsborough to me, and I notice late ‘90s when I thought Electric knives – knives so sharp you’re never it’s just that so many boots have tram- that, whenever they make the recom- Frankenstein was King Shit. I really sure whether they cut you until you see pled these same musical avenues, you mendation, they add that the Dukes are believed that their music could kill hip- the blood. –Cuss Baxter (Empty) gotta have new bombs to huck – or, I really good guys. After listening to the pies. I thought they were the new Dead four songs on the split, I think that I’d Boys, only heavier and with a few more chins – not just sonically speaking, but nothing but cover tunes. To their credit, EPIDEMIC, THE: ESOTERIC, THE: heavier in the physical sense as well (as they are all over the map here. They go Self-titled: CD 1336: CD EP anyone can plainly see that it would take from covers of the Circle Jerks to The guys at Rodent Popsicle serve up a It’s amazing how easily suckass jock about 3.5 Stiv Bators to make one Steve AC/DC to the Supersuckers to Crime, reissue of an album that apparently first metal passing itself off as hardcore can Miller.) And while Steve Miller’s no the Dead Kennedys, Blue Oyster Cult, saw the light of day in the very recent ruin one’s day. –Jimmy Alvarado Gap underpants model, he’s a got a great the Misfits, F-Word, Fleetwood Mac, past. Some pretty rockin’ hardcore is (Black Noise) punk rock voice – greasy and gritty and Johnny Cash and Pink Floyd. All in all, dished up here, with a lyrical emphasis slimey like a wet paper bag full of rancid very admirable attempts. But when you on war, which makes perfect sense con- EXPLODING FUCK DOLLS: dog food and worms. Back then I was get to the stuff you’d like to re-listen to sidering what’s been going on in this Crack the Safe: CD listening to their live discs, How I Rose – not as interesting. What it comes down country under Herr Bush’s regime, as A collection of assorted tracks from a From the Dead, I Was a Teenage to for me, is that the covers of “arena well as a couple of ditties about police band that first made the rounds back in Shutdown and Me No Like You constant- rock” tunes tend to show that slower, oppression and sadomasochism to break the early ‘90s and are now apparently ly. And when I did an interview with the softish mid-tempo side of E.F. that up the monotony. Some good work is out playing again. The early tracks with Hookers and they slagged on E.F. for seems to have been more and more put down here that should satisfy the Duane Peters on vocals are not that far being old and fat and having too many prevalent on their more recent releases – jones of any thrash fiend. –Jimmy off from the noise his more recent bands chins, I liked E.F. even better. What while the more “punk” covers have more Alvarado (Rodent Popsicle) have been making, but the later tracks could be more truly cool than being the snot and teeth and bile. Which I like. with some guy named Kris could easily farthest thing from MTV pretty people? Sorry, I’m biased. “Ace’s High” by Iron ERGS, THE: pass for Clash outtakes. Better than my And their old choppers weren’t exactly Maiden is a cool/cheesy tune, but E.F.’s Dorkrockcorkrod: CD drunken memories of seeing and/or floating in a glass of water next to their relaxed remake makes the original sound There’s no delicate way to say this. I sharing bills with them led me to bed; E.F. had a sound that spit in your more “punk” than the E.F. version. And think The Ergs are geniuses. I adored believe. –Jimmy Alvarado eye right before it tore your adam’s personally, for me, if you’re going their Ben Kweller EP, but missed some- (Disaster/Bomp) apple out with its teeth. Or at least the around with a comic book-inspired band thing. I loved it as a simple pop album. live recordings did. I soon found out that logo that says “Electric Frankenstein – On Dorkrockcorkrod (it’s a palin- FANG: Live Cheap: CD the studio offerings didn’t quite have Punk Rock” and you’re showing up on drome!) it’s easier to hear a lot of the Although there is nothing in the packag- that same bite. And right about the time the monitor as “less punk” than a fenc- complexities that are going on behind ing to verify it, what I am able to suss I made that discovery, they started ing doofus like Bruce Dickenson, you the guise of pop. It’s like Rivethead, from listening to this is that you’ve got squirting records out like bunny turds; better take a step back and rethink where I just thought it was the hooks two or three live recordings here from these boys definitely don’t suffer from things. Like most recent E.F. releases, I that had me listening to it all the time, this venerable Bay Area band, the first Axl Rose Reluctancy Syndrome when it find this one to be a mixed bag of really but then I began to pay closer attention. from one of their recent reunion shows comes to cranking new stuff out. Soon, good and really uninteresting. The good They’re all proficient players, and when and the others from back in the ‘80s. for me, a new E.F. release became noth- stuff is good, though. As usual, I wish I you listen to what’s going on in the Great versions of classics like “The ing to get excited about. They seemed could have gone into the studio and background of the songs you hear some Money Will Roll Right In,” “Skinheads hell bent to show everyone and Axl Rose trimmed the fat for them, using my razor interesting things. I actually hear a Smoke Dope,” “Landshark,” “They that it really is quantity over quality. On sharp music critic scalpels. Because this strong jazz influence, but it never over- Sent Me to Hell COD,” and “Fun with top of that, they further bogged down is, perhaps, the most “Frankenstein-ish” rides the pop (which has a lot more Acid,” among others, can be found here, their fans – or me at least – with their of all their releases and, while it doesn’t power in the pop than the EP) and don’t as well as some others I don’t recognize. preachy “Fight the Anti-Rock come anywhere near to totally sucking, worry, it never even steps close to Sound quality is pretty good throughout Conspiracy” twaddle. I generally don’t it doesn’t have the over-all power and fusion. Broken-hearted lyrics prevail and the performances are pretty spirited, get an itchy reaction to “preaching to the ignorance to drown sweet little innocent from their Carpenter-style set-up (you which is about the best one can expect choir” type stuff, but this particular cam- girls in sun dresses either. A lurching hit- know, the drummer sings). Incredibly from a live recording. All in all, a nice paign seemed as ponderous as their and-miss patchwork of random parts infectious – I listened to it fourteen addition to your collection and guaran- recorded output was prolific. So it was sewn together with cheap yarn. Your times yesterday. –Megan (Whoa Oh) teed fun for the whole family. –Jimmy with some trepidation that I approached call. –Aphid Peewit (TKO) Alvarado (Malt Soda) reviewing this new double E.F. CD of FLATUS: Crashing Down: CD inally released in 1983 and 1984 on Five-O. “Turning the Screw” – clean, tronics of the nuclear winter in your Maybe I’m just not getting it, but this Spiderleg Records. Here you get both jumpy, and snotty – is reminiscent of mind go head-to-head with a rock sounds to me like over-produced melod- without acquiring a scratched up origi- late ‘90s pop punk along the lines of rhythm as frenzied as that pit where you ic punk with lots of breakdowns and, nal for an exorbitant price, but you NRA. “Friends in High Places” is a once took a Doc Marten to the eye as the unfortunately, vocals that could best be might have already guessed that obvious straight-ahead hardcore scorcher that vocals exude the sort of intense heat that described as “operatic.” Not awful, but fact from the title. I don’t know if this is bares its teeth and looks at the Effigies prompt bouts of teenage longing. Were nothing new, either. If this were a cere- a defect or it was intended, but all the right in the eyes. “Johnny Foreigner” you still sixteen, you would be sweating al, it’d be Total. In a pinch, it’ll do, but songs are on one track. That sure takes has more than a couple intersecting Kabuki make-up right about now. In if you’ve got even a box of Honey Nut away the convenience of it being on CD. points to a mid-tempo Anti-Flag song. your room, listening to this album, try- Cheerios handy, well, it’s all over. It’s like having a cassette. You have to It’s all held together by explicit left- ing to decide whether or not, at your –Maddy (Black Pumpkin) fast forward but you cannot skip tracks. wing politics and the artwork nods to age, it is still appropriate to jump on the At least with vinyl, you can manually other inspirations, like the Posh Boy- bed in time to the beat, you realize that FLUX OF PINK INDIANS: lift the needle and move it past songs inspired crest of the record label. It’s lis- G.D. Luxxe is the sound of the future. It Strive to Survive/ you don’t want to listen to. I can’t say tenable, enjoyable, and well crafted. is music without the now-requisite new Neu Smell: CD I’m the most knowledgeable fan. I do –Todd (Newest Industry, $7 ppd./world) wave nostalgia, without the more for- Strange what time can do to one’s lis- have the Strive to Survive... LP. Wasn’t ward-retro-minded acid house nostalgia. tening tastes. Like Crass and most of the too into the whole Crass thing. Liked the FULL FRONTAL ASSAULT: It is the sound that may just carry you other English anarcho-punk bands of the ideology, but could pass on the music. I The Universal Struggle: CD and your friends into the next phase of late ‘70s/early ‘80s (except, I must point still find it hard to listen to after twenty Iron Maiden delves into the world of life. – Liz Ohanesian (Ersatz Audio) out, Rudimentary Peni, who maintain an years. If you got the patch on your cloth- speed metal with the Cookie Monster almost religious respect from me to this ing and never listened to the band doing his best Bruce Dickenson imper- GARAGELAND: day) I HATED this band with a passion. before, go get this. Someone will even- sonation. –Jimmy Alvarado Last Exit to Garageland: CD Their songs were the musical equivalent tually call you on it. –Donofthedead (www.newregardmedia.com) Most of the Flying Nun records I’d of fingernails on a chalkboard or stran- (One Little Indian) heard before this were gentle and lilting gling a cat and resulted in many a fanta- G.D. LUXXE: pop. This sounds like Pavement trying sy of jamming ice picks into my ears. FOUR EYES, THE: Between Zero & Eternity: CD to play punk rock while drunk as hell on Some of the boys in the ‘hood swore by Rock & Role Playing: CD You are in your twenties now, slowly some fucked up distillation of the these guys, but I preferred bashing my Super-nerd, super-pop from but surely pushing thirty. You grew up Nuggets box set into moonshine. It head into a concrete wall to having to sit Sacramento’s The Four Eyes. Topics on punk, embraced the spirit of DIY, veers from power-pop to noise-pop to through their brand of noise. Twenty ranging from winning spelling bees and moshed when it was still called slam shoegaze to garage rock and somehow years on, however, I find a couple of becoming king of the nerds to dancing. You developed a goth fetish, manages to make the whole damned Crass records in my collection and Deathrace 2000. It’s all in good fun, and bought Sisters of Mercy albums, started mess cohere into something that actual- myself actually digging this reissue. pulled together really well – playing for dressing in black. You graduated high ly sounds like a consistent record. It Kinda unnerving. Next thing I know, eleven years will do that, I’ve heard. I’m school, started hanging out at clubs, isn’t brilliant, but it isn’t common (par- I’m gonna find myself rocking out to getting the impression that they’re an started listening to techno, started ticularly not these days) and it’s well- Conflict or something. –Jimmy acquired taste, but one I apparently have dreaming about Berlin. You got older done – sometimes, that’s more satisfy- Alvarado (One Little Indian) because I love it. –Megan (Plastic Idol) and started to wonder what was next. ing that a jaw-droppingly good album. You dabbled in seemingly every subcul- –Puckett (Flying Nun) FLUX OF PINK INDIANS: The FOUR LETTER WORD: ture when you were young and, now that Fucking Cunts Treat Us Like Crimewave!: 7” EP you are an adult, can you find a place GEISHA GIRLS: Pricks/ Taking a Liberty: CD There are a lot of settings on Four Letter where the influences collide? Enter Self-titled: 12” EP Eighteen tracks from this legendary Word’s amps. The title track carries Between Zero and Eternity, the latest There’s definitely a strong Gang of Crass-affiliated band. The TFCTULP through with a spy surf guitar that could album from GD Luxxe (aka Gerhard Four feel here, with Robert Smith-ish LP and the Taking Liberty 7” were orig- have been lifted from JFA or Hawaii Potuznik). Here, the dark, sparse elec- vocals, which may sound like charted territory in their own rights. Geisha claimer (“this song is not meant to be GIRLS, THE: Self-titled: CD continually gig. Having been in a band, Girls have created something that is taken too seriously”), sounds like a par- Ordinarily, i’d like nothing more than to that is a lot of time to spend together. interesting and inventive, without com- ody of the folk punk genre, with lyrics come out here with my Slide Rule and Their hard work paid off and they had a ing off as overly arty. The bass and like, “Well, just take a look around and Protractor of Rock & Roll and illustrate spot on last year’s Warped Tour and got drums seem to keep everything ground- I’m sure that you’ll agree that we’ve how the XTC corollary transects the A signed. I have heard from others that ed as the guitar or vocals ventures, giv- done a lot of things to improve commu- Frames molecule, thereby enabling the this is a bit over-produced compared to ing it a balanced and full sound. The nity/like organizing protests and serving Diodes transmitter to bifurcate through their live set. But for first listen, I’m not bassist is also in the Checkers, and the food not bombs/ sending books to all the the Epoxies prism and into the Mission swayed by it. It possibly took away drums are the sweet beats of none other prisoners that have been locked up for of Burma gonad from the Brainiac cen- some of their raw edge, but the vocals than Sexual Chocolate of the Four so long.” Ack! I think the main problem tral basin, and then a little shuck and are fantastic. I hate to use this as a com- Letter Words. The recording (by Lavin with this is that there are some cheezy jive about the record having that new parison, but it has the magic of the Go- of Civic Minded Five and Dan of No lyrics, and then there’s just way too car/new wave smell, but the band live Go’s Beauty and the Beat LP. The vocal Fraud) captures the rawness without many lyrics, period. A lot of the better just smelling like sweaty guys with harmonies are dreamy and well-execut- sounding muted or hollow. Only 500 songs, like “The Pines,” have less lines funny colored hair just to ground it all in ed. The guitars could have been pushed copies made (on three different colors of and more music. If I could take this CD the Wreck modulator, but then i remem- up a bit but they play into the fun and vinyl, no less) available directly through and make it into a 7”, it would be Corn bered that the Girls were the guys who sassiness of their cutting music. Five the band or Disgruntled mailorder. Pops. Right now, it’s Boo Berry. I just held up the Boris/Girls split 45 (eventu- songs are a tease but I will admit that I –Megan (jsr, [email protected]) don’t know! –Maddy (Plan-it-X) ally unto death) so then, like, fuck it. will be among the first begging for a Right? I am right! Oh, yeah, forgot the promo copy of their full length. GET FUCKED: Self-titled: CD GIANT HAYSTACKS: Saccharine Trust adapter. BEST SONG: –Donofthedead (Side One Dummy) Monotonous bap bap bap bap bap bap We Are Being Observed: CD “Derek I Can’t Go to the Beach” BEST bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap Frankly, it’s amazing that the SONG TITLE: “Making Plans for GORCH FOCK: Self-titled: CD bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap Minutemen template hadn’t been resur- Derek” FANTASTIC AMAZING I don’t know if I can fully justify or clar- bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap rected sooner, but it’s awesome to see it TRIVIA FACT: Both this and the ify what I hear. Noisecore with two loud bap bap bap drums underpin nearly riff- as a transparency carefully placed down Wildhearts Riff After Riff album, drummers, a trombone player, and some less treble guitar and screaming in what over modern times. The frenetic short- reviewed elsewhere in the issue, contain electronic white noise in the back- amounts to a non-black, non-metal hand guitar, the popping, looping, and unrelated songs entitled “Return to ground. All that in the first song. black metal. Except sometimes it’s good lunging bass, the loud but spare and on- Zero.” “Return to Zero” – apart from Reminds me of going to a multimedia a little bit. –Cuss Baxter (Level Plane) target drumming, the vocal bursts, and being the name of an amazingly horrible art event in the early ‘80s. An industrial the cryptic, poignant, and witty lyrics post-Boston project ca. 1990 – is a con- band playing soundtrack to an artist’s GHOST MICE: are all there. The Giant Haystacks don’t trol button on an analog tape deck that expression of imagery. A mixture of The Debt of the Dead: CD sound like they’re hanging out by returns the tape to whatever spot you set later period Throbbing Gristle and Ghost Mice is two people – Chris and D.Boon’s (RIP) gravesite in San Pedro, your counter at. –Rev. Nørb (Dirtnap) Einsturzende Neubauten meets the early Hannah – playing simple folk punk but have further refined an alternate, experimental period of the Butthole songs, with some harmonica, accordion, updated universe that’s worthy of GO BETTY GO: Surfers. Cool silkscreened chipboard and even mandolin thrown into the mix. Double Nickels on the Dime’s legacy. Worst Enemy: CD cover. –Donofthedead (Perverted Son) I’m so conflicted about this. Some of I’m also selling them a little short with For over a year, I have seen their name the songs are great – especially the Minutemen comparison. I also hear playing venues all over the city. I have GOVERNMENT ISSUE: “Lightning Blot,” which is about how the raggedy edged, catchy pop of Gang also read much acclaim from the local G.I.’s First Demo: 7” EP one of their fathers, who works at a of Four’s Entertainment and the confi- critics. Since I don’t go out that much, I Another archival slice of precious vinyl, Catholic cemetery, got a pay cut because dent flexing of three guys who’ve nailed have never crossed paths. But I had a once in the sole realm of collectors, gets of the church’s financial problems after smart, complex songs without wanking strong feeling that I would really like the official release treatment with the the recent church sex scandals. But then off. Excellent stuff and highly recom- this band of four strong Latina women. blessing of the band. Happy day. It’s a there’s songs like “Up the Punks,” mended. –Todd (Smartguy) I liked that they had the work ethic to full-on 1980 harDCore sprint from a which, although it does come with a dis- long-running band that’s been through a decathlon of styles. G.I. (the matrix etch Band: Oui. with a little sprinkling of Honey Nut boxers hang from under his gym shorts claims it stands for “Genital Me: Some of them featuring the ever- Chex thrown in (fortunately) by mis- or Paloma Parfrey spitting out lyrics as Inspectors”) were kindred spirits to the dynamic “diagonal stripe” pattern? take. The end! –Maddy (Disposable Pop she jumps into the audience. Teen Idles, SOA, and the east coast Band: Mais oui! Revolution) –Liz Ohanesian Youth Brigade. It’s both nostalgic and Me: Are you standing in front of some (Spitshine; www.spitshinerecords.com) fun stuff. Although fast, you can already sort of grid-type background, such as HOLY SHIT!: What the Fuck?: here the fungus of melody creeping in the tiles of a subway station or under- 7” EP INSTIGATOR: that would later infect the band’s central pass, to contrast the mathematical regu- Ass my dick etc. What it reminds me of Sorry We’re Punk: CD nervous system and steer them into dis- larity of the grid pattern itself with the is an old band by the name of Killing Picked this up recently at a South Bay tant musical seas. After all this time, it’s imperfections of the physical form it has Children from Ohio or somewhere. If show. Haven’t been to a show in the funny and charming that the lead singer, taken on in its manifestation as a this record would’ve come out in 1984 South Bay in over a decade. This band John Stabb, can’t figure out the chorus byproduct of mere functional utility? like that one, it’d be kicking ass on eBay was the opening act. While they were to his song, “War Zone Casualty,” Band: (whispering) Uhhh... oui? right now. As it stands, well, that might playing, my brother told me that he because it’s so fast and so slurred. John Me: Got song titles that appear to be not ever happen, but it’s a nice little remembered this band from the early also mentions this in liner notes, but it’s composed by writing down a variety of blast of Midwest (Milwaukee – the city ‘80s. As the band played along, I vague- worth repeating – G.I. has a lot in com- “punk” sounding words – “Brainless” that Schlitz made famous) hardcore ly remembered the band. They played mon from the often-overlooked first “Selfish” “Kids” “Gimmick” “Phoning” that’s like chicken croquettes going into an impressive set that brought back ever American hardcore band, Middle “Pills” “Bored” “Rotten” “Plastic” your ears. You can buy it for $4 ppd. memories of the early days and the Class. This demo EP could have easily “Polaroid” – then picking those words –Cuss Baxter (Holy Shit!) many bands that never went anywhere been the companion piece to Out of randomly out of a hat? but were good. After the show, I struck Vogue, and that’s a high compliment. Band: Oui. HORRIBLE ODDS, THE: up a conversation with the drummer and Cool stuff. –Todd (Spontaneous Me: Got inspiration? Underground: LP asked him if he had played many a night Combustion; www.spontaneous.com) Band: ... quoi? Straight ahead gearhead rock for fans of at the local punk club in Hollywood Me: You know, “inspiration?” Like, do that. Not enough for me to drive fast to. back in the ‘80s. He confirmed my sus- GUNMOLL: you do anything but embrace and reflect –Speedway Randy (Onion Flavored picion and I immediately felt like I’d Board of Rejection: CD previously established stylistic conven- Records) met a comrade in arms. This release fea- I love this album! Right away when I tions? tures the one of the first bands to play heard the first song, I knew this was Band (offended): “Je suis une gim- HORROR, THE: First Blood the melodic beach punk sound. They gonna be amazing. I just keep listening mick!” Parts I & II: CD-R also have a sound that is very OC from to it over and over. You can make all the Me: Yeah, but can’t you think of a bet- I like it when I’m not expecting some- that time period. Cross the Vandals with obvious comparisons – Hot Water ter gimmick than just being punk? I thing. Like this release, I got an ass D.I. and, for some weird reason, I hear Music, Leatherface, Pegboy, mean, isn’t that sort of a given for a kicking while I was not looking. some Youth Brigade. You can also hear Jawbreaker, but somehow, this manages punk band? A default gimmick? Consisting of former members of the where Pennywise might have gotten to still sound new. One of the best CDs Band: “Nous sommes la haine rose!” Voorhees from the UK, they take the some of their influence in there, too, due I’ve heard this year. If you don’t pick Me: LOOK, DO YOU HAVE A GIM- short, fast and loud route and pummel to proximity. Their live set caught me this up, you’re seriously missing out. MICK OTHER THAN BEING A GIM- through twenty-eight songs. Done well, but hearing a good recording of that set Especially if you need some great wal- MICK PUNK BAND WHO IS this style is extremely entertaining and is even better. The old punk in me cried lowing music. Just put it on your walk- PUNK??? is a great outlet. Fans of DS-13, their for this. –Donofthedead (Instigator) man, get on your bike, and ride around Band: “Garcon je danse bien?” former band the Voorhees, or Amdi thinking about how sad you are. Do you Me: Look, if you want a gimmick, why Petersens Arme will be won over by this JOHNNY CHEAPO: think I’m joking? This is what emo not sing in French? French is, amazing- band. Now I have to go out and get the Rock-N-Roll Sinner: CD SHOULD sound like! If this were a ly, a perfectly good rock singin’ lan- actual release and hope I haven’t missed Imagine a less political Sloppy Seconds. cereal, it’d be Lucky Charms! The high- guage. It also sounds really freaky, them live. –Donofthedead Yes, you read that correctly. –Jimmy est honor! –Maddy (No Idea) which is good. Plastic Bertrand sang in (Chainsaw Safety) Alvarado (Smut, no address) French, and HE was Belgian! HANDGUN BRAVADO: Band: !!! Quel chien!!! Quel cochon HOT’N’HEAVY/ JUNIOR ACHIEVEMENT: These Days Move Fast : CD Belgique!!! THE SHARP EASE: Split 7” Fade to Black: CD I popped this in the player while driving Me: I mean, instead of doing something It’s fitting that Hot’n’Heavy should join This is supposedly the first in a series of through the high desert between LA and like wearing a diagonally-striped tie forces with The Sharp Ease for this split discs highlighting Arizona’s treasure Vegas. In my opinion it’s one of the best ‘cause it looks sort of symbolically 7”. Both are Los Angeles-based bands trove of “lost” bands, and it is one hell places to listen to music. Everything is hiply jarring, why dontcha do some- lacking in the pretension that often of a way to start things off. This album, so vast that you kind of have to focus on thing REALLY hiply jarring for a plagues the scene in this city. Both are first released back in 1984, is a gem of something, music usually being my change, and sing in your native lan- the writers of sharp, insightful lyrics and ‘80s hardcore punk rock with a gaggle choice. Handgun Bravado have some- guage??? I can assure you that the white the players of heavy beats. Both are of dark, catchy-as-hell mid-tempo hard- thing interesting going on here. On most male Anglophone mafia who’ve been known for their highly energetic live core done up in ways one rarely hears of the tracks the guitar seems to be running Punk Rock since its inception shows. Hot’n’Heavy could be part of anymore. According to the press materi- rhythm guitar, but with nothing taking have a lot more interest in hearing the High NRG Riot, should something als, it was recorded on a two track which up the lead. It doesn’t feel like there’s French dudes singing punk in French exist, as influenced by Kathleen Hanna is mind-boggling considering how well anything missing, and the tracks that than they do hearing yet more punk rock as they are by Bronski Beat. Listening it came out. There’s nary a lousy track to have a lead guitar just feel a bit fuller, sung in English. I mean, the only reason to this album, it becomes obvious that be found here, and if the album ain’t not better. Vocals reminiscent of Danny we put up with French punks singing in Dolly Resendez and Rudy Blue are just enough, a soundboard recording of a Elfman’s days with Oingo Boingo, and English anyway is because sometimes as comfortable making zines at home as live set is tacked on the end for good the music has a Bad Religion feel to it. they say “Moo-zair-foo-kair,” which we they are dancing to Trans X’s “Living measure. Now, I highly recommend that Interesting approach and not a bad listen love – which you don’t say even say on Video.” The duo offers two tracks on all reading this inundate Malt Soda with at all. –Megan (Firefly) once! So whaddaya say? Can you sing this release. “Colored Vinyl,” featuring letters requesting that they offer up your next album in French? Huh? Can Dolly on vocals, is a hyper-rhythm Conflict’s (the Tucson band, not the UK HATE PINKS, THE: ya? Will ya? Huh? Huh? Huh? dance track in the vein of ‘80s Hi NRG hippie punks) sole album, Mighty Parasites Like Me: CD Band: We do not speak the French!!! music, but with a distinct punk twist. On Sphincter’s Ghost Walking double EP Total Killed By Death type stuff. This Moo-zair-foo-kair!!! “State of Confusion,” Rudy Blue takes (hell, almost anything from Placebo’s album gets the ridiculous lyric award BEST SONG: “Bored on Pills” BEST center stage with flat but endearing back catalog would be swell) and any- for: “I’m going to get me that girl SONG TITLE: “(Killed By) Polaroid vocals, as if New Order’s Bernard thing they can manage to scrape up from Natasha/Behind the economical cur- Screen” FANTASTIC AMAZING Sumner grew up in Los Angeles, as Soilent Green. Trust me, you’ll thank tain.” And the singer pronounces TRIVIA FACT: “Fuck the rest of the opposed to Manchester. On the flipside, me for it later. –Jimmy Alvarado “badge” like “bay-dge.” Punk! And I world, especially you.” –Rev. Nørb The Sharp Ease prove, once again, that (Malt Soda) think they’re French! If this were a cere- (Lollipop) they lay claim to the best drummer in al, it’d be Apple Jacks. If you like Los Angeles. Christine Kings wields her KUKL: The Eye: CD ‘em/KBD, you’ll love this! –Maddy HIDDEN TRACKS: The Sweet drumsticks like a Williams sister on the & Holiday in Europe (Unity Squad) Sounds of Excess: CD tennis court. Listening to her, I’m half- (The Noughty Nought): CD I swear, whatever I did to deserve get- expecting to hear her rip off the skins. Never been a fan of Bjork, but always HATEPINKS, THE: Sehr Gut ting so much indie rock to review, I Yet, for all this power, she never drops a kind of wanted to hear Kukl, her pre- Rock Und Roll: CD apologize! Please! End the deluge! beat. Running through the rhythm is SugarCubes band, as they were on Crass Me: Okay, got guitars? Contains the line, “I wanna be your Paloma Parfrey sounding as if she is on and that was a recommendation of sorts. Band: Oui. whore/I wanna be all yours.” Lots of the verge of kicking someone’s ass – all Now I can, because it’s reissued. 1984’s Me: Got bass? new-school Dr. Frank-esque vocals, anger and fiery passion. While this 7” is The Eye is about what I expected: super- Band: Oui. and, once again, tons of R.E.M. influ- a strong testament to the sound of both effected, Cure-esque guitar, arrhythmic Me: Got drums? ence. One pretty alright song bands, it does not match seeing either percussion, gothic touches like donging Band: Oui. (“Insomnia”). More of that, less of the group play in a dark, skanky club. The bells, all presided over by Bjork’s grat- Me: Got sunglasses? rest! If this were a cereal, it’d be a music just isn’t the same without watch- ing caterwaul. The next year’s Holiday Band: Oui. defective box, containing mostly ing Rudy Blue work the Jazzercise in Europe, however, makes considerable Me: Got ties? Special K (and advertised as such), but moves in the middle of the crowd as his gains in terms of non-irritation: Bjork’s vocals are reigned in somewhat, the hit the CD player, I really didn’t listen drumming shaped up, and the inciden- to much else for this issue. While tal noise fleshed out satisfyingly, giving there’s nothing here as overtly political the whole thing a tone that’s more reg- as Lyxsén’s other bands, the songs ulated and more ethereal at the same seem covertly political, primarily time, like they stepped up from being focusing on relationships – perhaps pretend-weird to being actual-weird. romantic, perhaps platonic – which are That said, though, you’re not likely to still imbued with longing and desire. catch me listening to Kukl again any This is perhaps one of the most note- time soon; just because it ain’t bad worthy characteristics inherent in don’t make it good. –Cuss Baxter Lyxsén’s music – there is usually a (One Little Indian) sense of yearning for something, whether a better political future or a KYLESA: “No Ending”/ relationship which doesn’t yield a “A 100° Heat Index”: CDEP sense that something is still missing. Pretty similar to fellow Georgian crust One of the most interesting artistic grinders Damad, from which band are ideas at play here is a sense that disen- half of Kylesa: crushing detuned heav- franchisement, that alienation and iness, but with more audible, more ostracization engender a void which worldly vocals. The 7” has two songs, pulls on other areas of a life; that being but the CD version has four (one is removed from or marginalized in the “Clutches” by Nausea) and a video. political realm can in turn result in frus- –Cuss Baxter (Prank) trating or unfulfilling relationships and that these frustrations can cascade LAHAR: throughout one’s existence, coloring Collapsing of the Soul: CDEP everything they touch. Of course, Three-song EP. Guessed the grind maybe I’m just another asshole rock sound from the album title. Find the EP critic who’s reading too much into a set from the band Are You God? instead. of pop songs … but still, it moves. –Speedway Randy (Wormfodder, –Puckett (Burning Heart) www.odeum.org/wormfodder) LOST SOUNDS: Demos and LAYMEN TERMS: Outtakes Volume 2: 3 Weeks In: CD EP 3 x 7” Box Set Before the vocals kick in, the first song While the terms “garage rock” and sounds so much like Metallica’s “One” “new wave” have recently been that I can see Lars Ulrich nodding his smooshed together like a forgotten head as he hits that tom just once peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a before hitting the snare. Who’s show- back pocket, and most bands affecting ing off their classical guitar lessons, that pose sound like a soggy mess, the huh? –Puckett (Suburban Home) Lost Sounds have tightened the screws on the hull of their monster of sound. LOCOMOTIONS: From the eerie subject matter – includ- Self-titled: CD ing zombies and graveyards – to the b- If you purchased ten or more records movie world of lost planets, to the with a Born On Date of 2003 A.D. and crackling, jumpy, synth-addled, guitar the Locomotions LP was not among tramplings, the Lost Sounds started out them, you are hereby charged with by inhabiting distant worlds and are Contempt of Rock, and will remain in now setting their eyeballs, glowing such a state until the oversight is cor- green with radiation, on this planet. rected and the proper reparations are The wide structure of the band – I hate made. As some sort of a fucked-up to use the word “concept,” because so reward for you not being on-the-ball many concepts are too damn fruity, but enough to have figured things out the that’s what it may be – is analogous to first time through, said album is now Man… or Astroman? Substituting available on piracy-friendly CD format mutant wolverine new wave in the with two bonus tracks. I would repeat place of intergalactic surf opuses, the my review of last year’s vinyl at this band is bigger than any one isolated point, but the only part i remember is part. A cacophony with it toes dipped in the bit about DMZ locking their rabid melody. How all of the pieces come redheaded stepchildren in the basement together is the really exciting part. This and them burning the house down box set’s a perfect example. You’ve got instead of playing “Mighty Idy” – the music – fifteen songs on three which is, realistically, all you need to seven inches – but it doesn’t stop there. know anyway. If you like punk rock Included are also a booklet, a poster, a and you like, say, The Pack, then if you pin, a photograph, and a piece of candy. like the garage punk thing you oughtta Much like MoAM? The Lost Sounds like the Locomotions. Surely you seem to be as interested in creating an groove upon the whole furriners-bash- entirely new world as much as they are ing-shit-around aesthetic? ROCK with creating new songs. This collec- AWAITS YOUR OVERDUE ACT OF tion, as the title suggests, has alternate CONTRITION! BEST SONG: and earlier takes on a lot of their songs. Goddammit, i STILL say “Sigma It also includes one song that had never Attack!” BEST SONG TITLE: i don’t been released before, “Chopping even remember what i said last time. Block.” Awesome. Limited to 500. FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA –Todd (Rockin’ Bones) FACT: The press release mistakenly refers to the song “She’s Got Her” as LOUSY BREAK: Don’t Wait “She’s On Her.” Good one, Tom! for the Next Time: CD –Rev. Nørb (Dead Beat) Wow. There’s dice on the front AND back cover! Contains lyrics like: “Meet LOST PATROL, THE: Songs a girl drinking on a Friday About Running Away: CD night/Knowing she’ll get loose when Who the fuck ever thought that Dennis she gets tight.” And, in the song “Fuck Lyxsén would ever write an album the French,” we’ve got, “Land of fags, which is just slightly to the rock side of wine, and cheese/A nation of pussies Kings Of Convenience? These country- and chicks with dicks.” Wow. If this inflected pop songs are a far cry from were a cereal, it’d be Berry Berry Kix. The International Noise Conspiracy, Yuck! –Maddy (Headache) much less Refused. Frankly, once this LUBRICATED GOAT: MANIKINS, THE: seen them in about two years, and they And the record is just okay when they The Great Old Ones: CD Self-titled: LP still top my list of live bands. Well have a song like “Radio Tower” which One time, I was at a Lubricated Goat Lo-Fi Rip Off punk that would’ve prob- worth checking out –Megan is going along great, then does a quick show, and I yelled for my favorite ably made for a great bunch of singles, (Abbey Lounge) tempo change and launches into a part Lubricated Goat song “Japanese Train but only manages to blur into one long where the singer says he’s gonna fly, Driver” after every song, and they never drone as a full length. There are some MISTAKE, THE: and I stop paying attention. I think that played it, and I was swimming in a sea good tunes on here, but it’s almost too Fuck Everything Up: CD the Modern Machines have a good start- of Milwaukee’s Best, because at that much of a good thing, if you catch my One of those chonka-chonka metal ing point. I think they’ll get better. For time they packed it in longnecks, and I drift. –Jimmy Alvarado (Rockin’ Bones) bands that plays their guitars nipple- the time being, though, I’d rather listen swam home in it, and I discovered that high so that they can get the right chon- to The Crowd song they’re named after “Japanese Train Driver” is by Grong MARKED MEN, THE: ka-chonka sound. According to the than listen to this record. –Sean Grong. I was terribly embarrassed. On the Outside: CD lyrics, they’re going to take back the (Onion Flavored) Later, singer Stu Spasm moved to New What is it that makes the Marked Men scene from all you poseurs out there. York and got stabbed in the brain. so great at what they do? Is it those bass Watch out, poseurs! –Josh MONSTERS, THE: Apparently, recently, he formed a new lines that pop like an adolescent (read: (Prime Directive) Youth Against Nature: CD Lubricated Goat and re-recorded several pre-Guns N Roses) Tommy Stinson? Is Wacked-out garage punk from a Swiss extant Lubricated Goat songs and they it the way they took the bright, hooky MODERN MACHINES: three-man band featuring Swiss one- sound pretty good. I no longer have any guitars from the best late ‘70s power Thwap!: LP man band Lightning Beat-Man. That, of my Lubricated Goat records, so I pop bands, axed the commercial rock The first time I listened to this record, I and a wide-eyed, cough-syruped, fuzz- can’t do a proper comparison, but I tendencies, and then duct-taped them thought it was just okay. Not great, not addled blast down some weird highway don’t remember Stu’s voice sounding so onto ninety-second punk rock songs? Is bad. I would’ve passed on it, but Maddy from snow-blind northern Europe to a much like Lemmy or the guy from the it the creative drumming that somehow Tight Pants really loves the Modern smoky roadhouse outside New Orleans Anti Nowhere League. Must’ve been never goes into Neil Peart territory? I Machines, and since I tend to agree with in a car full of psychopaths on concrete the brain infection. Prime AmRep post- don’t know. All I know is that they Maddy’s musical tastes most of the tires. –Cuss Baxter (Voodoo Rhythm) punk. –Cuss Baxter (Reptilian) somehow found an untapped musical time, I figured that I’d give this record vein somewhere between Scared of another chance. I took it home and, over MORNING SHAKES, THE: MALAVISTA: Chaka and the FM Knives, only they’re the past two months, I’ve listened to it XXX-plode with the Sounds of Self-titled: CDEP better than both of those bands. And if dozens of times. After all of these Sex, Booze and Sin!: LP This one caught me by surprise. I you think that’s blasphemy, I’ll go one repeated listens, the songs started to ...i’m not sure if it’s a testament to this haven’t heard anything from Malavista better and say that they’re the American separate in my head. I could better rec- defunct ‘90s outfit’s latent greatness or in a couple of years, and apparently, Teengenerate. –Josh (Dirtnap) ognize the subtleties of the parts. I could more of an indictment of today’s ven- they’ve spent that time getting way bet- pick out parts where the Replacements dors of the Stinky Garage Molecule that ter. This EP is five songs long, and the MARVELS, THE: influence crept in. “Run It” has some a band which sounded “good” but not songs bridge the gap between ‘80s hard- Cheat to Win: CD nice echoes of the Big Boys. The heavy overly raveworthy six-seven years ago core like Los Olvidados and JFA and I forgot how much Staffy’s vocals sound Hüsker Dü influence is just about every- now comes off as substantially above current Orange County beach punk like like the Black Halos until I put them on where, and that’s not a bad thing. I could average (“SUBSTANTIALLY ABOVE Smogtown and the Smut Peddlers. It’s a back-to-back the other day. A few line- hear where they were trying to branch AVERAGE!” My devotion knows no lot more complex than it sounds on the up changes since the last recording, but out in different directions. And, in the bounds!) in most regards. Singles first listen, and, if you know how much no worse for the wear. Michelle adds a end, I’ve decided that this album is tracks, album tracks, the ever-popular I like all four bands I’ve just compared nice contrast with female vocals, and great. And it’s bad. And it’s just okay. “lost tracks” and some keen covers by a Malavista to, you understand how she plays a pretty mean bass. This By that, I mean that four or five songs band who never met a New Bomb Turks impressed I am by this EP. –Sean recording captures their rawness much off of this album would make a great EP. song recorded in Billy Childish’s bed- (Rezist) better than the last release. Anthemic, Alternately, a few of these songs room they didn’t like – i just hope when rock’n’roll with a snotty edge. I haven’t should’ve stayed in the practice room a i die somebody can cobble together a bit longer before they were recorded. package this useful out of my spare parts. BEST SONG: i got to go with the got more familiar with the musical sional meandering parts. If long-term foo-foo stuff like that. This is a little Dicks cover here, but if they would scenery I like the album as a whole, enthusiasm, a fully tested arsenal of less manic than Teengenerate or Sweet have thought to medley “Thunderbird from start to finish. The more I listened ethics, and living in a town (Charlotte, J.A.P. and a little more garagey than yer ESQ” into “Stealing People’s Mail” i to it, the more I thought of it almost as NC) with little to no appreciation for typical Confederacy of Scum. band. A would say that. BEST SONG TITLE: an audio accompaniment to a darkly honest, DIY punk rock could be dis- nice blend though. I would like to hear “Devious Means,” outside authorship themed children’s book. Mouserocket tilled into songs, My So Called-Band more. Mungy armpit hair fun. –Aphid be hanged! FANTASTIC AMAZING would be perfect for a Where the Wild nails it. What works the most for this Peewit (Goodbye Boozy) TRIVIA FACT: This is one of two Things Are or a Series of Unfortunate band is a greater understanding of punk Rockin’ Bones releases reviewed this Events movie, and that’s not a slight in rock in general while dipping into wells NO MEANS NO: month which sports a Zero Boys cover. the least. –Todd (Empty) deeper than any one genre could pro- The People’s Choice: CD Indianapolis: New Centre of the vide. It’s like they’ve cribbed notes Another band I’ve always loved but Universe! –Rev. Nørb (Rockin’ Bones) MUGGERS, THE: from the play lists of past greats as have never broken down and actually Self-titled: CD diverse as DOA to Naked Raygun to bought anything by (I have no credible MOUSEROCKET: Whoa! You skins and punks better hold the MC5 – like a skeleton – but it’s all excuse. I suck and I know it.) get the Self-titled: CD onto your fucking boots because the joined by a workmanlike ethos – the “best of” treatment here. For the unini- Alicja Trout is one busy lady. Not only Muggers are coming to kick your ass! muscle – that keeps it from being mere- tiated, this is one of Canada’s treasures, does she play in the Lost Sounds, the This is some brutal fucking street punk ly a musically cut and paste affair. a hardcore band for the musically liter- Fitts, and Destruction Unit, she’s the for you. They start out with a song Separate parts, yet joined, and it’s a ate, meaning that while they can thrash guitarist and main vocalist in about John Walker Lindh, the good listen. –Todd (Suicide Watch) it up with the best of ‘em, they do it Mouserocket. And much like John Reis American who was helping Al Queda. with an amazing level of technical pre- (Rocket From the Crypt, Drive Like It’s called “Turn-Coat-Kid” and it’s got NEW MEXICANS, THE: cision and songwriting complexity. By Jehu, The Swamis), being so busy and some lyrics. “I know what you did/John Chicken Head no means should this be taken to mean so involved (she runs Contaminated Walker Lindh/I know what you Talking Diamonds: CD that they are a one trick pony, for in Records and distro out of Memphis, did/John Walker Lindh.” Then they Some high precision noise rock from addition to the aforementioned too) it doesn’t show at the kneecaps burn into “Standing Back.” It’s about this Seattle-by-way-of-Arizona/ moments of angry brilliance, the listen- that she’s stretching herself too thin getting pissed off and killing some guy, Kentucky/ South Carolina outfit. Song er also gets for his buck smart pop and because none of the bands she’s then getting thrown in jail, which titles like “I’m Going to Go Put on My art damaged noise to serve up as the involved in are slouchy. Mouserocket sucks. This one also has lyrics, “This Cape and Go Jack Off to Some Beat featured music at the next summer bar- isn’t as synth-driven as the Lost must be a dream/Could be sitting at Happening CDs,” “Shit Hard, Clown becue. All their best tunes are repre- Sounds, art damaged as Destruction home like a king on his throne/ Nursing Shoes” and “Lesbian Llamas Are the sented, from “Sex Mad,” to “Theresa, Unit, or wrecked garage as the Fitts. a black eye.” Yeah. This is sarcasm if Fruit of Gnomes” pretty much let you Give Me that Knife” to “The Day Delicate is a good way to put it. The you didn’t catch it. – Megan wearing know where they’re coming from. Everything Became Nothing” to songs are more eerie, sad, and organic. Bruce Roehrs’ Pants (Radio) Good, noisy stuff. –Jimmy Alvarado “Dad,” so interested parties who would Overall, this CD reminds me of the best (Under the Needle) like to dip their toes rather than throw- of Bongwater, minus the more irritating MY SO-CALLED BAND: ing caution to the wind and jumping fuck-your-ear noise bits and tracks that Weapons of Mass Distortion: NIGHT TERRORS: The Hit/ right in are recommended to wade you swear they didn’t know the record CDEP (I Have) Night Terrors: 7” around in this for a spell. In short, this button was pressed. So, all in all, it Full disclosure: Chris Peigler, who As a spazz, I can tell you that I actual- is most definitely worthy of your “must sounds otherworldly, yet it lends its plays in My So-Called Band, does live ly experience real life night terrors on a buy” list. –Jimmy Alvarado hand out to the listener in a very acces- reviews and columns on regular basis and I can also tell you that (AntAcidAudio) sible way, which doesn’t happen very razorcake.com. Weapons of Mass these Wisconsin boys are way less often. It’s experimental but well real- Distortion is the most straightforward scary than actual night terrors. But I NORTHERN LIBERTIES: ized with firm strokes. On first listen, and no-nonsense My So Called Band don’t think that they’re really trying to Erode + Disappear: CD my favorite track was the cover of the release I’ve heard. As a trio, the songs scare anyone. Except maybe people Sub-Naked Raygun oi prog with some Damned’s “Alone Again Or,” but as I are more direct and shorn of the occa- who like to bath and use deodorant and kind of weird effects on the guitar and vocals that make it sound like it’s many times live, I would probably me and my neuroses. It’s a damn playing through a wooden beer have a different perspective. But as good album, plus it’s got the sin- can. That, plus the relentless pish, a newcomer, I was not blown gles versions of “Love is for Sops” pish, pish of the hi-hat and the away. The almost out of tune sound and “Just Another Teenage Rebel,” singer’s droning tone add up to one of the guitars mixed with the dou- which makes it just the bee’s famously monotonous mundanity. ble bass drumming on this rubbed knees. –Jimmy Alvarado –Cuss Baxter (Worldeater) me wrong. –Donofthedead (Captain Oi) (Blazing Guns) OBSERVERS, THE: OUTLIE: Companions to Lead Pill: 7” EP ORGANZ/O’DEATH, MY Devils and Saints: CD Eighties-tinged punk rock with CHILD: DRGZ! DRGZ! Remember those protective bio- smart lyrics and some well-placed DRGZ!: split 12” hazard crime scene suits they wore cynicism. The line “So I sold my Hand printed covers are nice. when they hauled barrels of acid- soul just to save some face in front Noisy rock bands are nice. washed human being chunks out of of the fashion police/Life is so “Thrashy hardcore” Organz have Jeffrey Dahmer’s apartment-cum- much better now that I’ve found three bass players and fuck up butcher shop? Well, as soon as I beige,” from “Normally Normal,” eight songs so great (greatly?) you glanced at this disc I threw one of was brilliant. –Jimmy Alvarado won’t care that there’s no regular those on and made damn sure that (Super Secret) guitar. In fact, you’ll wish some all the snaps were snapped and all other bands would get rid of their the zippers zipped. This thing is OBSOLETES: regular guitars. O’Death keeps the crawling with tell-tale signs that Is This Progress?: CD fi kind of low, also lowers the vol- seem to point directly to the vile Yes! Wisconsin does it again! ume, and goes the spooky route noxiousness known back in the day You’d think having two AMAZ- with piano and reverbed samples as “emotional punk” and now ING bands (The Modern over electrobeats. Just one crappy known as simply as a “cash cow.” Machines, Fury of a Thousand song on the whole record, and it’s Arsty artwork and angel statues Zeuses) in one state would be only one second long, so just and gawky song titles like enough, but we here in the Dairy ignore it. –Cuss Baxter (Calls and “Anxieties of the Vain and State constantly surpass all projec- Correspondence Robot/ Winter/ Unknowing.” That, my friends, is tions for punk rock greatness! The Nail in the Coffin) the musical equivalent of a shoe Obsoletes feature two former box full of human penises. But as members of the amazing and OSCARS, THE: so few times happens, I can happi- under-appreciated pop punk band American Idol: CD ly announce that my keen first- Yesterday’s Kids. This time Low-res cover art worried me, but impression instruments steered me around, it’s way more pop, way sure enough this is the same band wrong on this one. Oh sure, every more influenced by classic country that released a rad Memphis home- once in a while Outlie pirouettes and the Replacements (the album grown 5-song EP on Contaminated dangerously close to the tough-but- includes an obscure ‘Mats cover), Records. This one is on Bootleg snuggly world of emo, but all-in- and it’s so damn good! These are Records and just as basement-cre- all this has some punch to it. And just great songs, period. I can’t ated. Recorded at Tronic more importantly, it is punch given stop listening to it. My only slight Graveyard by Jay and Alicja and, unapologetically – without the criticism? Slowed down vocals on sure enough, sounds like a descen- immediate obligatory “okay, now “Little Gurl.” So strange, and so dent of the Reatards/Oblivians/etc, we’re gonna show you that we’re bad! But, minor complaints aside, with some creepy inbreeding sensitive, too” malarkey. This has this is, at least, Honey Nut Chex: resulting in noise and moderate the melodies of early Social simple and amazing. And, who speed. Then I finally recognized it: Distortion mixed with the musical knows? After a few more dozen these are all those weird songs on dynamics of Quicksand. Actually, listens, it may even become Corn Thrasher’s skate rock comps I it maybe reminds me most of the Pops! –Maddy (145 Records) could never find the whole albums Lillingtons. And I like them. So I for. Not really, just a metaphor. guess I can take this stupid suit off ODDS AGAINST –Speedway Randy (Bootleg, now. –Aphid Peewit (Porterhouse) TOMORROW: www.oscarsindustries.com) Nights. Not. End.: CD PAINT LIKE PLANE: The first few second of this starts OUTCASTS: Self Curse Chorus Curse: 7” off pretty rock’n’roll, followed by Conscious Over You: CD Screamy silly noise stuff. I know the perfectly placed, growling, Funny thing it is, reading about not such music, and I like not such “Yeah!” A few more hot licks, then music. At the risk of quoting music. (Whenever I listen to some- the sissiest dang voice starts to Forrest Gump, you never can tell thing arty, I usually feel like the croon. Continue to end of CD. I what you’re gonna get when you lame kid in school who just cannot cried because I was laughing so actually give what you’ve been understand multiplication or, I hard the first time I heard it. I reading about a listen. After read- dunno, direct objects. And, after played that intro five times before ing about these guys and their asking about it and having it struggling through the rest of it. exploits in the fine book It Makes explained to him a dozen times, –Megan You Wanna Spit, I imagined ram- stops asking, and still doesn’t get it (www.oddsagainsttomorrow.com) bunctious, “take no shit” punk at all, but just feels dumb.) If this rock. What is actually on this, their were a cereal, it’d be I-Don’t-Like- OH, BEAST!: debut album, is more akin to the Noise-Music Chex. –Maddy (S-S) Makin It in the Scene: CD Irish pop punk made famous by Hints of NoMeansNo, Blonde fellow Ulster punks the PARIS TEXAS: Like You Redhead, swirly conceptual Undertones than, say, the Cockney Like an Arsonist: CD maybe-punk rock, not as success- Rejects. Now don’t get me wrong, Why, why, why do bands have to ful as those two big bands though. I ain’t gripin’ about what’s on here, take cool film titles and make Everyone in their hometown prob- ‘cause the tunes are wicked good, music so routine? Yes it’s a real ably loves them but don’t stay the but I just find it interesting when a town but why does everyone refer- whole show. –Speedway Randy band’s musical output doesn’t ence hip movies? Are you also lis- (Perverted Son) quite match up with their image. tening …And You Will Know Us Closest comparison I can come up by the Trail of Dead? Or even more OPPRESSED LOGIC: with regarding what I’m getting at confusing, the routine bands that Ones That Control: CD is TSOL, who had a reputation in are named after songs by utterly Reminds me of Mystic Records some circles of being rather violent different and better bands. Texas Is bands like R.K.L., Don’t know, jocks, yet when you hear a song The Reason? –Speedway Randy and Scared Straight minus the dou- like “Weathered Statues,” you (New Line) ble bass drums. On first listen, it can’t help but scratch your head in didn’t really move me. Something wonder. Then I get to this album’s PIRX THE PILOT: in it took me back to the mid-’80s bonus tracks, particularly Famous in 47 States: CD and the local LA scene. Bands like “Frustration” and “I Don’t Wanna Done right, an overblown, operatic these were a dime a dozen back in Be No Adult,” and they perfectly voice in punk rock can be a mark the day but they’re probably con- embody what I expected them to of distinction. Tilt, the Dead sidered old school today. If this sound like, all mean and pissed off Kennedys, Misfits, Fleshies all band was local and I had seen them ‘n’ such. Ahh, fuck it, don’t mind have or had folks who could belt it out. Unfortunately, that’s the main hurdle the result being chilling and menacing I have with Pirx the Pilot. The main instead of artsy and detached. Lyrically, singer, Ernst (who also runs New they were, hands-down, one of the best, Disorder Records and is a really nice most caustic political bands ever. While guy) is so high up in the mix, sounds like other bands of that time period were a less nasal Fred Schneider of the B-52’s, either accusatory (like MDC) or con- and the instruments almost always water- cerned with pushing people’s buttons shed around his vocals. Regrettably, his (like the Feederz), what Really Red voice – the instrument that most often brought to the table was sheer focused dominates the music – is my least rage, and it’s as vital today as it was over favorite part of the band. If Erica took the twenty years ago. Essential. “For what mic more, or they did more change offs, you are, I could spit in your eye…” –Josh like in “Patriotism” and “Cloud Factory,” (Empty) the equation might change a little bit. The music, sans male vocals, reminds me REIGNING SOUND: of early ‘90s college rock like Love and Too Much Guitar!: CD Rockets with dashes of the Pixies, and ...a friend of mine and i were discussing scrapes of late period Bauhaus (they’re this album, and i told him i had only lis- arty and a little doomy, and have a fixa- tened to it once because it was a two- tion on Fozzie the Bear dolls) but more good-song piece of overrated horseshit straightforward punk, which is nice. So, with an ugly cover by a pointless band it’s personal taste, which all hinges on with a lame-ass name, or other carefully liking a type of voice. Comes with two selected words of that nature. After further home-made videos, which is admirable. review, i am quite unsure what manner of –Todd (New Disorder) Grumpy Pills i was popping that day (GO Grumpy Pill Popper! GO Grumpy Pill PONYS, THE: “Wicked City” Popper!), because, on follow-up inspec- b/w “Little Friends”: 7” tion, this record’s sounds sound pretty Simple, thick-guitared punk with a bit of unfeigningly reigning indeed (maybe i Richard Hell in the vocals; could easily still hold some manner of unfounded have come out of New York in the late begrudgement against all things Oblivian, ‘70s. It would have been a little too since 1. I got my ex-girlfriend an poppy to have hit the Killed by Death Oblivians album for Christmas once and lists, but people would still be listening what good did it do me?, and 2. Somebody to it now. Solid. –Cuss Baxter broke into my band’s van while i was (Big Neck) watching them once [and stole my postage stamps! What for? To write home to PRACTICE: More Practice: 7” Mother and inform her of her son’s bur- This seven inch starts off with a Chip geoning career as a window-smashing Hanna-style marching drum beat. It’s postage stamp thief?]). After more thor- almost enough to make you think you’re ough inspection, i have herein identified listening to an old US Bombs record. compounds bearing the atomic signatures Then the guitars kick in and you’re in for of the Sonics’ “He’s Waiting,” that something completely different. I hear Pebbles-type tune about love not being touches of the second Clash album, of worth a dime, the Motors’ “Dancing the Dillinger Four basslines, of punk rock Night Away,” first-album Beatles, that’s poppy without being Ramones Swingin’ Neckbreakers beating Hank influenced pop punk, of so many influ- Ballard compositions into bloody pulp ences, really, that it makes the songs very with a reanimated George Harrison’s fifty- original. Like the first Practice seven foot boner, mid-sixties Rolling Stones inch on Snuffy Smile, More Practice has (yeah, and you know how every now and three amazing songs that make me want again some jerk-off music twit opines that ten more. –Sean (Snuffy Smile) some song or another “sounds like the kind of thing the Stones used to write... Q AND NOT U: when they were good!” when it sounds X-Polynation: CD EP nothing like anything the Stones ever did, These funky songs don’t fall that far except maybe in this guy’s [mostly imagi- from the tree of The Rapture, Hot Hot nary] mental rock history? Well Heat, Radio 4, etc. – or the rest of Q And “Drowning,” for ONCE, actually DOES Not U’s work for that matter – but damn sound like something the Stones used to if they aren’t some of the most enjoyable write [minus brief detours into Byrds-ism post-punk I’ve heard in a while. –Puckett and peculiar Joe Meek Teen Death-ism]), (Dischord) Byrds-ism, peculiar Joe Meek Teen Death-ism, the Standells, Incredible RAG MEN: Self-titled: CD Shrinking Dickies-era Dickies (!!!) (well, Tough-guy hardcore. One guy’s named okay, with different vocals) (it’s the last “Bulldog.” –Megan (Eulogy) song, “Medication.” Go ahead. Knowledgeably refute my assertion!), RAKING BOMBS: and, the nuclear glue that keeps this Self-titled: CD volatile compound from melting down Arty noise that was about as exciting as a into a hunk of lead upon contact with macramé contest. –Jimmy Alvarado Earth’s atmosphere, the voice: Total Mark ([email protected]) Lindsay!!! I mean, i dunno how many Paul Revere & The Raiders fans we got in REALLY RED: the house tonight, but if “Your Love Is a Teaching You the Fear: CD Fine Thing” ain’t just a nine-volt-battery- Where do we begin with this record? lickin’ update of “Alias Pink Puzz”/”Hard Driven by the claustrophobia that came ‘n’ Heavy (With Marshmallow)”-era from living in Texas in 1981 and the Raiders A-sides, well, then... boy, i dunno paranoia of living under the threat of what then. I never had to carry out on my nuclear war, Really Red released the threats my before. Also contains a minor most haunting, ethereal music that hard- smattering of the more Blues Explosiony core has ever seen. I’d put them in league stuff, but the rest of the material is so buff with the Big Boys and Naked Raygun for i can’t fault anyone for throwing an occa- their ability to apply a British post-punk sional bone to the squares. BEST SONG: influence to their music in the same way Right now i’m pretty whipped on “Your that government contractors put nuclear Love Is a Fine Thing,” but i think by next warheads on rockets. Instead of tiptoeing week i should be back into “I’ll Cry.” around icy guitars like Wire, they bar- BEST SONG TITLE: “We Repel Each reled through their songs full-force, with Other” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Annie had a baby, she can’t work war with Iraq will soon end, and every- the leading problems facing the scientif- Bush, religion, losing canes and, most no more. Wait, wrong band! –Rev. Nørb one man, woman, and child will be ic community was “How can we make poignantly, a psychiatrist whose writing (In The Red) given a lollipop! For those out-of-the- punk that doesn’t suck?” It was kind of of a prescription resulted in a person’s loop (O.O.T.L.), this is George Tabb’s an ongoing project that took several death. While they might not exactly RIVERBOAT GAMBLERS: (really) old band. Songs like “My Dog’s years to get right (and, in all fairness, it break new ground, they do thrash things Something to Crow About: CD into Anarchy” and “Brooke Shields did also take several years to get it up pretty hard, which alone makes this Okay, this album was unleashed last year, Must Die.” This won’t blow you away wrong as well). Sewer Trout – what worth repeated listenings. –Jimmy but I gots to say something that needs to or anything, but it’s just, I don’t know… with their dippy humor and harmonies Alvarado (No address) be said. Not in quite some time have I had is it punk to call songs like “Mom Likes and occasional sprigs of melody and Ian my ass go into spastic, rock’n’roll- Drugs” endearing? If this were a cereal, Woodcock-esque bass runs – were obvi- SICK FITS: Mirror Creeps: 7” induced fits upon seeing a band for the it’d be Honey Nut Cheerios. Cool! ously something that, were i to have More mid-tempo punk from these guys, first time like it did when I saw The –Maddy (Destroy) popped in a demo of theirs or something very vaguely reminiscent of the Flesh Riverboat Gamblers this past May while while delivering pizzas in my ‘74 Eaters without the poetic flair, although Yvonne and I were out visiting my sister SCRAWL, LE: AMC™ Matador, i would have doubt- the proceedings here are not as interest- Julie (NYC’s resident kick-ass party Eager to Please: CD less concluded were on “my” side. That ing as their CD EP from a year or so rocker, and she drink’n’drives a pretty Every now and then you get a CD that said, i can’t imagine too many more ago. (Big Neck) mean Schwinn Stingray alongside her just walks up, grabs you by the shirt and occasions left in my life when i’ll need main cohort, Tim, too). While out there proceeds to slap you silly. This bizarre to hear “President of the Anarchist SK AND THE PUNK ASS for Joey Ramone’s Annual Birthday little ditty is one such record. This is like Club” or “Vagina Envy” to really set the BITCHES: The True Saviors Bash, The Riverboat Gamblers happened one big schizophrenic nightmare, a mood, let alone every recorded version of Rock N Roll: CD to be playing that Friday a coupla days cookie monster vocalist backed by a thereof. Hey, are cassettes cool again “Whoo yeah, who’s your daddy?!” later. And under the strong recommenda- hardcore band that every now and then yet? BEST SONG: “Garbage In, These are lyrics, and I don’t think tion of our own Retodd, we made our feels the urge to fuck off into left field Garbage Out” BEST SONG TITLE: they’re trying to be ironic. If they truly way out to The Knitting Factory to see and delve into a little ska, metal, surf or “TSOL Esidarap” FANTASTIC AMAZ- are the saviors of rock’n’roll, then we what was one of the best sets I’ve seen in lounge music for a few seconds, then ING TRIVIA FACT: Coors™ still are in for some trouble, folks. I’m some time. To say you need to grab their goes back to thrashing things up. sucks. –Rev. Nørb (Sactoe Punk investing in polka. –Megan (We Got) records or see them is a severe under- Somehow (don’t look at me, ‘cause I Archive) statement. Not to peg their sound, but it’s haven’t a clue why) it works. Not quite SKEW WHIFF: in the same ballpark of experiencing the sure I can say I dig it, but it is one mind- SEXY: Por Vida: LP Taedium Vitae: CD beautiful, awesome power of The Who, spinningly interesting listen, that’s for I was a bit conflicted on this. My friend For some reason, I thought this would The Candy Snatchers, and the MC5 sure. –Jimmy Alvarado (Life Is Abuse) Rawl said it was great. My friend Josh be a grindcore noise band. Far from the simultaneously in a new and fucking bril- said that one of them had to be physi- truth. First thing I thought of was liant way. To simply put it, I’m gonna SEWER TROUT: From the cally removed from his house after crossover-period ‘80s UK punk mixed quote Phast Phreddie Patterson for this Forgotten Memories of Punks spray painting their bathroom. I gave it with Discharge, kind of like the English CD review the same way he was quoted Failed Hopes and Dreams a listen. It’s really fucking good. Spastic Dogs or Broken Bones. It also has that for his review of the Ramones’ self-titled Loom...: CD in the vein of Fleshies and The Bananas. modern day crust sound where the debut back in ‘76: “Anyone who doesn’t 1988 did pretty much suck as far as My advice: Definitely pick up the music is metallic yet dark. Being from like this record is an asshole.” Perfectly punk rock went – everybody kind of album, but pat ‘em down before letting Belgium explains a lot because they put, Mr. Patterson. –Designated Dale fucked off and was either into REM-like them in your pisser. –Megan (Onion have easy access to the music men- (Gearhead) collegiate blandness or Guns’n’Roses- Flavored Rings) tioned prior and Europe, in general, hav- like bandana rock, and what passed for ing a thriving crust scene. This is ROACH MOTEL: punk rock at that point was dreary, SHIVS, THE: Blind Drunk: CD extremely intense and shows that the Worstest Hits: CD monotonous and self-important (not to Pissed off gallop-core from a band I genre constantly reproduces a good Ah, at long last we can all breathe a sigh mention being kind of a fuckhead mag- know nothing about. Song topics range amount of talented bands. of relief. The Roach Motel CD is here, net at that point as well). Thus, one of from getting drunk to railing against –Donofthedead (Life is Abuse) SMALLTOWN: SOVIETTES: LP II: CD The First Three Years: CD You can’t accuse The Soviettes of simply I’ve reviewed this previously in bits and remaking their debut LP, which is a pieces from their four 7”s. This CD cor- blessing. The funny thing is that it took rals all of their previous works and adds me about twenty listens to come to that one new song, “The One.” This Swedish conclusion. LP II was a slow grow on trio has the immaculate knack of polish- me. Their debut was instantly glued to ing up the cues laid down, then aban- my ear. Still in effect: irresistible charm, doned, by Stiff Little Fingers and then gleaming punk hooks, infectious energy, reinspected by the likes of pre-Life and the smart yet partying vibe. Think of Won’t Wait Rancid. What you get is a broken, jagged lollipop. Very sweet, ultra-catchy, smart and anthemic songs. but watch out how you approach it. It To mark them as solely street punk might poke the inside of your cheek. The would be too cheap of a branding, Soviettes are still rife with sneaky songs. although I could understand if they get Until I sat down and read along to put under that umbrella. They’ve got “Angela,” I had no idea it was a song tight yet fluid songwriting, the crisp about a lady who shoots a man. The attack and ultra bounce of early Jam, the infectious “Portland” with the boppy blood-runs-freely, ringing energy of chorus of “Shelly, Shelly” is about an ex- Cock Sparrer, and the teeth-clenching friend who became a dope fiend. The grit of a largely unknown band making Soviettes also have the uncanny ability to great, rugged punk songs. There’s not a make political statements in serious, yet stinker in the dozen. This is a sleeper charming, ways. (For instance, like how hit. –Todd (Deranged/Snuffy Smile) the TV news focuses on diet trends and stars instead of world politics, but it’s SMUT PEDDLERS: said in a way that’s like an intelligent Coming Out: CD friend making a comment instead of a Five LPs from a South Bay or OC punk blowhard pounding a podium.) It’s all band? It’s almost unheard of. As a mat- very conversational. Some changes from ter of fact, I can think of a handful. I’m the first LP: each of the four members sure there’s more. The Circle Jerks’ VI makes more distinct signatures on songs. LP (not so good), Pennywise’s Straight There are much more varied tempos Ahead (proficient), and TSOL’s from song to song, and my only caveat is Disapear (I’m not counting the Joe that a couple of the songs themselves Wood ones, and, strangely, their latest, don’t have as complex a texture as the Divided We Stand is better than first record. What had me scratching my Disappear), FYP’s Toys That Kill head at first was that LP II didn’t have (excellent, excellent stuff), and the instantly recognizable anthems, but Minutemen’s 3-Way Tie (For Last) (not that’s okay. When I began listening to it their best, but far from slouching and for what it was – a different album by a I’ve got a soft spot for D. Boon). OC talented band that’s very far away from and the South Bay breed a special, more painting itself into a corner – I just got resilient fuckup. Bands just usually down to digging it. Now it’s on high can’t stay together and tend to crack rotation. –Todd (Adeline) from member’s jail visits, egos, addic- tions, old-fashioned wig-outs, or any SPIDER RICO: Self-titled: 7” Grab a bunch of songs that you have lis- more in common with “(The Age of) cocktail of the four. For a band to keep Being a big-shot music critic, I know I tened to while you were growing up and Aquarius” than any sort of punk rock.) it together when the lead singer’s fixat- should know this, but are the cover them like they were your own. It is varied. I’ll give it that. It gets drunk ed on skate parks and rattles on about Hellacopters still around? I guess it does- Well, this band chooses songs by The from sucking a wide variety of stylistic pharmaceuticals better than your aver- n’t really matter because that band, Cure, Archers of Loaf, Fugazi, The cocks. That said, there’s a couple decent age neighborhood Sav-on white coat, whether they realize it or not, left one Pixies, Seaweed, Descendents and songs on here, remnants of SLF of yore the wheels should have flown off this monstrous spider egg-sack behind and Quicksand. I know I wouldn’t have per- – like “Who Died and Made You Elvis” dysfunctional wagon long ago. Not so. now there are little Hellacopters bands sonally covered these songs except for and “Guitar and Drum.” If this whole For all the yahoo, numbnutty attention dangling like Michael Jackson babies maybe the Descendents song. But these affair was under the moniker of Jake OC gets, it’s still nice to hear that nei- everywhere you look. Spider Rico is one were their choices and not mine. I bet Burns and the Big Wheel (since he’s the ther dank and rank rock’n’roll nor the such band. White trashy fun sounds you it was fun for them to record this. only original member by a long shot), I first wave of English punk have been shaped and filtered by the architecture of –Donofthedead (Suburban Home) wouldn’t be so hackled up. Smalltown’s abandoned for designer t-shirts and someone’s garage. I wouldn’t kick it out new CD annihilates the present-tense empty caskets of nostalgia with “1977” of bed for eating crackers. –Aphid STIFF LITTLE FINGERS: SLF at their own game. No contest. spray painted on their lids. The Smut Peewit (Kuriosa) Guitar and Drum: CD –Todd (Kung Fu) Peddlers keep blapping along with a There’s no debating SLF’s legacy. It’s as wacky-assed lead singer with a heart of SPLITHABIT: Put Your revered as ever. Just listen to the newest STRIKE, THE: gold and a short attention span, gun-rat- Money Where Your Mouth Is: crop of oi and street punk bands. The The Oi! Collection: CD tling guitar work, and a wrecking ball, CD blueprint they drafted is a trusty one. Outside of their Oi! compilation appear- rock solid rhythm section. Coming As smooth as a talcum-powdered baby’s SLF’s songs, “Alternative Ulster” and ances, I never really knew much about Out’s a good listen, neck and neck with butt and just about as excruciatingly “Suspect Device” alone, bands would this Scotland band, so this overview, a their last full length, Ism. My only com- sappy as a Family Circus cartoon. In fact, stab their own mothers to write. It took collection of those aforementioned plaint? Since I have the Exit Plan 7” and as I listen to this, I picture the band with balls as big and hairy as coconuts to be compilation cuts and some demo tracks, their self-titled 10” that preceded this big balloon heads like the kids in the an uncompromising punk band in the was a welcome schooling in their album, only half of the songs were new Family Circus – which somehow makes midst of a war: 1977 Belfast. tuneage. Unlike many of their peers, to me. –Todd (TKO) the whole thing a bit more palatable. But Inflammable Material, their first, is a they appear to have been able to main- not even cartoony visions of ridiculous near-perfect album. They held their own tain some semblance of quality in their SOOPHIE NUN SQUAD: hydroencephalus can save this cloying with the Clash and the Sex Pistols. songwriting, which no doubt makes for Pasizzle Slizzle tha Drizzle: CD heap of sweet dung. I bet even Hillary Granted. That heritage is in check, and a good case in getting in the fray, mak- I came up with a loose sliding scale for Duff would think Splithabit is lame. – that’s not in doubt. That’s the good ing your point and fucking off before the Soophie Nun Squad. If the song has Aphid Peewit (Double Zero) news. The bad news is that with Guitar the popularity starts swelling your head drums and electric guitars, they’re as and Drum – including The Jam’s Bruce and you end up playing bad disco or good as anyone out there. Earnest, fun, STARLITE DESPERATION: Foxton on bass no less – the pendulum something. If you’re looking for some energetic basement punk that reminds Violate a Sundae: CD has swung from the SLF of old with grit, fine ‘80s bald-boy music from a band me of bands like This Bike Is a Raucous rock’n’roll with more than its gasoline, and Jake’s unmistakably ciga- other than those whose names are usual- Pipebomb and the Grabass Charlestons. share of punk rock influence. Not a bad rette growl to run-of-the-mill shit-pop- ly invoked, this is a good place to start As for the other songs, well, I’m sure listen by any stretch of the imagination. punk territory. It’s so pro-dude, pro- your search. –Jimmy Alvarado that it was a lot of fun to record a bunch –Jimmy Alvarado equipment wank, gloss, and sheen with (Captain Oi) of hip-hop songs and cheerleader (www.coldsweat.com) hot licks and tasty chords that it almost chants, but I’m grinding my teeth the sounds like a “punky” soundtrack to an SUNDAY MORNING whole time. It’s probably fun to watch STEREOTYPERIDER: ‘80s movie starring Molly Ringwald EINSTEINS: Kangnave: CD live, but there’s only a handful of songs Under the Influence: CD hosting a bunch of crappy bands like Sweden’s all-star punk band has a that make the cut for me. Sorry. –Josh Here is a release every musician has Simply Red, INXS, the Outfield, release in the states. From what I have (Plan-It-X) wanted to do at one point or another. Genesis, and, at times, The Fifth heard, this band consists Dimension. (“Be True to Yourself” has of former members of 97 Svart Sno, Wolfbrigade, and possibly classic rock stations, then this is what it Enz, The Jam and Ewan McColl – fea- TEXAS TERRI BOMB!: Anti Cimex. Being seasoned veterans, might sound like. The first track, “Guns tures little more instrumentation than a Your Lips...My Ass!: CD these guys crank out fierce Swedish d- of Navarone,” has a strong David single electric guitar (cf. Billy Bragg), Fuck a duck if this don’t rock! Think of beat with some authority. Thundering Bowie “Space Oddity” feel to it and is and that simply never fails to kill me. the most brutal version of “I Got a bass lines over bottles-broken-against- the only track I thought was listenable. There are very few performers who can Right” you know, then make yourself the-wall drumming. The ever-so-dis- From there it goes through the obliga- sustain interest with nothing more than hear a lady sing it and you’re hearing torted guitar thrashing adds to the tory southern rock track, Jesus Christ a voice, an electric guitar, and a story to this record. With help from Wayne crunch. Vocals yelled in the traditional Superstar, and Kansas. I felt like I was tell. Ted Leo is one of them and I can’t Kramer and guys from the Dwarves, way: aggressive and piercing. What getting thrown all over the place. Me wait to hear what he comes up with the Dickies, Alice Cooper’s band and attracts me to international acts is the no like. –Megan (RealOmind) next. –Puckett (Lookout!) others, Terri tears all asses with snotty full-force rage. These guys play with confidence and attitude and decibels to conviction and play songs that we SYSTEMS OFFICER: TEDDY BOYS FROM THE spare. Fuck yeah. –Cuss Baxter (TKO) could never comprehend the anger of Self-titled: CD EP CRYPT, THE: Self-titled: CD-R since we are not from Sweden. If you I was ready to tear into this EP because No information with this one at all, just TEXAS THIEVES: missed out on their tour here in the it sounds like a rip-off of Three Mile band name and song titles. Which is a Killer on Craig’s List: CD states, you really missed out. As incred- Pilot, and Pinback. Lo! Upon looking shame, because it’s really good ‘60s Wow, these guys are apparently mighty ible as this release is, their live set is at the liner notes, I realized the joke garage-rock with a strong surf influ- prolific. This is the second full-length just as good or better. –Donofthedead was on me because this is, in fact, ence. Cramps and Rocket From The in as many months I’ve heard from (Prank) members of Three Mile Pilot and Crypt appear to be influences. The these San Franciscans, and I gotta say, Pinback. Fuck. That doesn’t make this internet tells me that they’re Greek, but they’ve managed to keep the quality SUPERCHARGER: Live at sound any less like those other bands little else. –Megan (no address given) high. Ten more tracks here of skate the Covered Wagon: CD though. –Puckett (Ace Fu) punk that sounds like it could’ve come Bad sound quality, super lo-fi, but then TEN THOUSAND TONGUES: outta Orange County circa 1983, which again it’s Supercharger, so you expect TED LEO / PHARMACISTS: Self-titled: CD-R is not to say they sound dated or any- it. You know you want it. –Megan Tell Balgeary, Balgury Is If moo cows, wind chimes, and didgeri- thing, because they don’t. If you’re (Rip Off) Dead: CD EP doos are art, then maybe this is art- looking for some grade-A tunes from Listening to Ted Leo is like walking core. –Megan ((small) Noisemaker) the MIA/DI school of hardcore, you’d SWEET JUSTICE: into a history class for a country that be hard pressed to find a band doing it Self-titled: CD you’ve never heard of but recognize TEXAS TERRI BOMB!: better than these boyos, ‘cept maybe A veritable cornucopia of ‘70s rock instinctively as your own. I spent the Your Lips... My Ass!: CD Smogtown, but they’re broken up so stylings, and I mean that in the best last thirty minutes trying to research Texas Terri popping back up on the even mentioning them is a moot exer- possible way. You get glam smooshed what the hell the title track is about, and radar again with a new incarnation and cise. I think I founds me a new favorite with swaggering, post-Stones/Zep the best I can come up with is an farm- a host of notable guests on her new band and I’m friggin’ stoked. –Jimmy blues, Cheap Trick pop snuggled up ers’ rebellion in County Cork in the record. I’ve seen her in one form or Alvarado (Dr. Strange) next to pseudo-reggae, with just a dash 1800s. And honestly, it wouldn’t sur- another in last couple of decades. Can’t of Motown pop sprinkled here and prise me if that were indeed a starting say that I’m a fan. Here, she plays that THREE MINUTE MOVIE/ there. If there is any justice (sweet or point… but based on how much ground punk and roll, Hollywood bar rock THE MILES APART: Split 7” otherwise), “Guns of Navarone” will Leo covers and how quickly he moves, sound: nasty and dirty with some Three Minute Movie: man, these guys be a HUGE hit. –Jimmy Alvarado the end isn’t even in sight. “Tell straight-up guitar wrecking. Her vocals are tight. They lay down melodies that (realOmind) Balgeary, Balgury Is Dead” is one of have a trashy, drunk sound yet they’re should bring a tear to Frankie Stubbs’ two songs that appears on Leo’s full- strong, and that puts her in the same eyes, Hisashi can really sing (and not SWEET JUSTICE: length from last year (Hearts of Oak) league as a Courtney or Brody. Very just in a punk rock way), and it makes Self-titled: CD but the version of “The High Party” similar in many ways, I think. I give for that weird combo where I want to If your mind can’t separate one song which appears here – along with the her much props for lasting and playing sing along (even though the Japanese from another and all you listen to is other songs, including covers of Split this long. –Donofthedead (TKO) lyrics translated into and sung in English make no sense to me) but now it says “201/200.”–Rev. Nørb Than a Feeling” called “More really, the songs are way better if I (Rockin’ Bones) Than a Penis,” a re-take of the just shut up and listen. This seven DK’s “Holiday in Cambodia” inch has two really cool tracks TOXIC NARCOTIC: called “Holiday in Waconia,” and a from one of my favorite Japanese 89-99: LP groinal paean to Crispin Glover set bands. The Miles Apart: they have This is a reissue, on picture disc no to the music of “Crimson and a tough act to follow. You should less, of a collection of tunes origi- Clover.” You can take all yer really listen to their side first. Let nally put out a number of years Ashton Kutcher trucker hats and them work as the opening act for ago. Don’t remember how the yer faux thrift store wardrobes and Three Minute Movie. The Miles story goes, whether this is a collec- pitch ‘em in whatever stupid lake Apart temper their punk rock with tion of tracks recorded over the Prince made famous in Purple a lot of Psychedelic Furs/Smiths course of a decade or a reworking Rain – true White Trashiness gets influence. It makes the songs a lit- of songs a decade old, but, either no finer than the Trailer Park tle too self-consciously sad. –Sean way, you still get a sound pummel- Queen. Long live the Queen. This (Snuffy Smile) ing from one of Massachusetts’ is funny shit. –Aphid Peewit finest hardcore bands. If you’ve (www.trailerparkqueen.cjb.net) THUNDERTRAIN: never heard anything by them, this Teenage Suicide: LP is the best place to start. –Jimmy TRAITORS: Bring Me the A reissue of a an album by an old Alvarado (Rodent Popsicle) Head of Matt Skiba: 7” post glam/proto punk band, which The title track, a mid-tempo, means this is up to its eyeballs in TOXIC NARCOTIC: anthemic ditty, appears to be a jab Dolls reference and bad fashion Beer in the Shower: 7” at a former drummer, and the flip selections. It ain’t all that bad, and An interesting release to put out on has two ADD-inspired thrashers, the inclusion of a DMZ member in picture disc. Toxic Narcotic is a the latter of which I am more par- the ranks is an interesting trivia bit, band that has the patch punk kids tial to. Hey, my old friend, and for- but I just ain’t feelin’ that crucial- sew patches of their band on their mer East LA punk rat, Pat Houdek tuneage-gotta-have-it feeling I sweatshirts, pants, shorts, jackets took the band pics. Neato. –Jimmy should be getting’ from this. and backpacks. An interesting Alvarado (Johanns Face) –Jimmy Alvarado (Rockin’ Bones) fashion statement in its own right since I don’t really like it. But TRAMPS, THE: TIGER SHOVEL NOSE: that’s the grumpy old fat guy talk- Self-titled: CD Cappuccino Twist b/w ing. Well, the thrash punk band The Tramps are columnist Ayn Stupid Stupid: 7” with a grindcore sound at times Imperato’s band. This album came This is some super sugary pop puts out an instrumental EP that is out over a year ago, but for some punk. It’s sweet like eating water- Irish in flavor. At first, hearing the reason, was never reviewed in melon until you get a stomach bagpipes felt like a cheap sell to Razorcake. Since its release, the ache. Tiger Shovel Nose play two capture some of the audience of band has survived a move down songs here that are very much rem- Flogging Molly and the Dropkick the California coast and a couple iniscent of early ‘60s female rock Murphys. Like another wave of of personnel changes. I’m not sure and roll but with an edge. Like a ska punk or pop punk. But listen- how the changes have affected sped up Holly Golightly, or a band ing to this a couple of times, I grew them, but this album is pretty cool. you would expect to be playing in to appreciate it more. I like that the It’s fourteen songs of solid punk a Quentin Tarantino movie: the band did not clean up the produc- and roll. Ayn sounds tough when singer in a poodle skirt and the gui- tion and continued to play with a she sings, belting out vocals that tarist with hair slicked into a pom- heavy edge. The bagpipe became are similar to Chica Baby’s from padour and the protagonist tapping the singer or the lead guitarist. It the Beautys or Pia Zadora’s from along in a way that let’s you know defined itself as an alternative and The Gits. In fact, this album that sooner or later, someone’s an angrier expression of an Irish sounds a lot like what I imagine gonna die a bloody death. Luckily, pub band. If these two songs are the The Gits could’ve become if though, the seven inch ends while mixed into their normal live set, it Pia Zadora had lived. It’s good we’re all still alive. –Sean would set them apart by showing stuff. –Sean (Broken Rekids) (I Don’t Feel a Thing) that they are not one dimensional as a band. I raise my glass. TRANSPLANTS, THE: TOKYO DRIFTERS, –Donofthedead (Rodent Popsicle) Police State: CD THE: Demos Project, ...okay, i completely understand Vol. 3: one-sided LP TRAGEDY ANDY: It’s the urge these long-kaput bands STOP THE FUCKING PRESS- Never Too Late to Start have to – at long last! – issue an ES, I FINALLY HEARD A VER- Over: CD album in their own hallowed SION OF “I’M A MAN” THAT If you didn’t get enough with names: Hey, we were doing this DOESN’T SUCK. BO DIDDLEY Jimmy Eat World and want out-of- shit twenty-five years ago, man, INCLUDED! Sounds a bit like tune harmonies, today is your when hardly anybody got to put what i imagine the Dirtbombs lucky day. Quite possibly the worst out albums! Now these fuckin’ kids would sound like if all of them band name ever, too. –Megan come along, and they got a whole were Caucasian but none of them (Pop Smear) frickin’ catalog out before they’re were overweight and they knew even old enough t’goddamn drive! people who could get them a real- TRAILER PARK QUEEN; We paid our dues! We put in our ly good deal down at the harmon- Wrong Side of the 4 time! We demonstrated adequate ica store. I debate the functional Track: CD-R sweat equity! We want our album! utility of my mentioning how the When most folks think of famous FUCK YOU! ... which is, you second song reminds me a bit of Minnesotans they conjure up know, fair enough. However, from “Hoochie” off the second Moby images of the woebegone Lutheran a consumer’s standpoint, it’s kinda Grape album, thus i shall con- raconteur Garrison Keillor, or the hard to pop a boner over records clude my review leaving that last wizened folkie Bob Dylan, or that are cobbled together haphaz- line unsaid. Certainly kicks ass on (shudder) the ghastly purple disco ardly from live tapes, practice The Statics, if anyone would care pixie Prince Rogers Nelson. I, for tapes, and a handful of studio to hear my opinion on that matter. one, would like to see at least one recordings – often using multiple BEST SONG: Since the powers- of those regional icons replaced versions of the same songs. I that-be did not feel it necessary to with a true local treasure, Berni the mean, i understand why it’s gotta equip this release with track list- Trailer Park Queen, who is soon to be like that, it’s just hard to get all ings, i’ll say it’s one of the two be a famous Minnesotan, I am lathered up over the results. The covers i recognize: “I’m a Man” quite sure. She is the female, punk Transplants (“early Boston punk, or the Rolling Stones’ “Stoned” rock version of Weird Al, but is 1976-1979!”) do have some pretty BEST SONG TITLE: I’ll say outfitted with a giant brassiere great songs. “Suicidal Tendencies” “Stoned.” Boy, that Nanker packed with a dangerous arsenal of is surely indicative of some man- Phelge had a way with words. cutting wit and in-yer-face blunt- ner of parallel evolution (devolu- FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIV- ness that makes Weird Alfred look tion?) whereby an Atlantic IA FACT: It said “ /200” on the like Ronald McDonald by compar- Division version of “Inside My back cover of my copy. I didn’t ison. Highlights: a hilarious dildo- Brain”-era Angry Samoans slith- much like the looks of that, so love version of Boston’s “More ered from the primordial ooze con- temporaneously with their Californian influenced bands is that they actually Midnight Bombers, and Endino’s up some sorta package tour with at least doppelgangers. But, i mean, fuckin-a, pull it off. The songs are original Earthworm to name but a few. Color me three bands with the name “Tumors” “Suicidal Tendencies” is on here FOUR enough and interesting enough and impressed. Cover still sucks, though. sharing the same bill at clubs across the DIFFERENT TIMES. “I’ve Had My fresh enough to let you forget the influ- –Jimmy Alvarado (Wundertaker) country. That rather long diatribe aside, Fill” and “It’s Your Own Fault” are on ences and just enjoy the music. Also, the comp itself ain’t too shabby. While I here thrice. Even The Haunted’s ‘60s True North brings with them a lot of VARIOUS ARTISTS: Hardcore find that I’m more partial to the hard- punque chestnut “1-2-5” merited multi- energy and rock, and those are the most Ljubljana 1984 - 2004: CD core tracks, (Down to Kill’s “Outta ple inclusions! I mean, enough! Maybe important things. –Sean (No Idea) Good ole Bob Suren of Sound Idea out Control” was a pretty nifty little ditty) I instead o’ one band plundering every of Florida is an asset to the punk rock do like the fact that they mixed up styles decomposing archival recording of UNSACRED HEARTS: community. If it wasn’t for his email on here, with some mid-tempo stuff, theirs still in existence to fill up one CD Self-titled: CD updates, I wouldn’t know about a bunch psychobilly, street punk and emo slop with material of which much might be Big-city take on southern rock. Blech. of stuff that comes out. I received one of getting equal time.–Jimmy Alvarado fairly referred to as “a stretch,” maybe –Megan (Serious Business) his updates recently and saw this. I ([email protected]) three bands or something could gang up know my brother has this and I haven’t and release one CD with just their top USURP SYNAPSE: heard this compilation in a couple of VARIOUS ARTISTS: shit on it. Then again, why deprive the Disinformation Fix: 2 x CD decades. When I should have been Music for the Terraces: CD older generation of the lifetime of joy Looks like a discography of sorts. Sixty working while I was reading the email, Advertised as an anti-fascist football having a bunch of boxes of unsold com- songs in total, from fourteen releases, I called his store and ordered a copy. compilation, this release includes a pact discs stacked up in their shed for that were from splits, comps and a This compilation was released in 1984 bonus disc that has videos and pictures years on end has given us young ‘uns? CDEP. Too much to take in at one sit- and was a compilation of Yugoslavian to educate that they want racism eradi- BEST SONG: “Braincase” BEST ting. A lot of screamo mixed with blast bands of the period. That was the period cated from the sport. I’ve read through SONG TITLE: “Vegetable Stew,” beats, emo, metal, and electronics. that I discovered that punk bands were the years that the racist hooligans were although i don’t like vegetables. FAN- Discomforting to the ears and not some- sprouting up all over the world. The big fans of the sport in Europe and it TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: thing to talk yourself out of suicide. bands from elsewhere were extremely was a problem before, during, and after Their song called “Police State” is the –Donofthedead (Alone) intriguing and fierce. They had their the games. I pretty much know that it first song so titled that i can think of. own identity and were extremely fresh isn’t a prevalent problem here in the –Rev. Nørb (Dionysus) V.P.R.: Aural Assault: CD to these ears. Compilations of the time states since the sport here is multi-racial Washington, DC area band that plays period turned me on to so many differ- and it’s called soccer. I think we are the TRIGGERS, THE: Bad Dream the hardcore. A mixture of Sick of it All, ent bands. So the story goes, a fan of only country in world that calls football b/w Cut Open, Lost Soul: Strife, and some old-school Negative this release goes and contacts the origi- “soccer.” I played it in school but never 7” EP Approach. Throat-shredding vocals nal people involved and asked to re- became a fan. A mixture of street punk, Maybe I’m making this comparison over metallic riffs. Only drawback is the release this comp. Since there was a pop punk and ska. Bands like Klasse because it’s so fresh in my mind. I just cartoon artwork on the cover. It made bootleg out at the time, there was no Kriminale, The Real McKenzies, The got a best-of Joan Jett and the me believe that I was going to be listen- problem getting the music. But he goes Business with EK77, Derozer and Blackhearts CD for free and it was okay. ing to a pop punk band. I have no idea one step further. He looks up and finds Scrapy are bands that I recognized. A Joan Jett can sing – it sometimes sounds what “V.P.R.” stands for. current bands of the region to include in band named 20 Years of Hate play a like she’s having sex, smoking, and –Donofthedead (Squirrel Heart) the re-release. The bands fit perfectly great ska tune and so do the Braces. It kicking ass at the same time when she with the original bands. The spirit of the has a lot of German bands I have never sings, which is all right by me – but her VALENTINOS, THE: original bands is seamless with the new heard of. A good introduction to many. backup band’s fucking awful. I guess Aerosol Dream: 7” bands. A great comp stands the test of Also, anything that supports a cause that it’s all played “well.” It’s all Guitar Awful. Not even a cereal. Seriously. time and, with the addition of the cur- I personally agree with is good in my Center licks and no soul. And I guess I –Maddy (Tom Perkins Entertainment) rent bands, makes this a worthy buy. book. –Donofthedead (Mad Butcher) can comprehend why. Joan Jett’s voice –Donofthedead (BatAttak) is the centerpiece, and major labels do VARIOUS ARTISTS: VARIOUS ARTISTS: Old that – forefront the featured artist – but Babyhead: LP VARIOUS ARTISTS: Kiss or Skars and Upstarts 2004: CD I still want to hear her backed by a punk A trip through punk’s fringy recesses, Kill Presents Los Angeles Another year and another volume in band. Perfection is a death in and of with a host of styles and sounds coming Classics Vol. 1: CD Duane Peters’ series of punk comps. itself. Man, the Triggers kick ass. They outta the dark to serve as soundtrack to Felt like a total moron ‘cause I consider The twenty-seven tracks are, of course, made me realize that, maybe even sub- your worst nightmares, from the percus- myself a pretty hip L.A. resident and, heavy on the punk’n’roll and “1977 liminally, when I was growing up – sion/sax instrumentation of Klondike & other than the Dollyrots, I didn’t know a revisited” sides of the fence, but those starting around thirteen – that there York, to ‘60s-influenced tuneage of single fuckin’ band on this compilation bands that manage to deviate from those were elements to songs played on the Blutt to the skronk of the A-Heads to the of L.A. bands. I mean, c’mon, Deadbeat molds are the one’s that contribute the radio that were pretty alright, but I’d fill bizarre spasms of the Piranhas, and this Sinatras? Midway? The Letter Openers? most memorable tracks. Personal it in with dirty guitars and screaming is just scratching the surface of the aural Bang Sugar Bang? Didn’t have a clue favorites here include The Insaints’ and puking and fuzz and distortion. And psychoses to be found on this hunk of they even existed prior to this CD. I was “Care On,” the Hollowpoints’ still- maybe that’s why I keep on listening to white wax. This could easily have particularly impressed with the track amazing (‘twas previously featured last bands for almost twenty years straight degenerated into an exercise in arty pre- provided by the Randies, which is one year on a Dirtnap comp) “POW,” that are new to me, to fill in that big tentiousness and the compilers should sweet slice of pop confection going Monster Squads’ thrash attack on “FTS” radio station in my brain with more and be commended for instead coming up under the moniker “Boys In Stereo.” and, of course, the Briefs’ two contribu- more songs. The Triggers have a lady with one of the best compilations of the Fans of the Let’s Get Rid of L.A. comp tions to the party. –Jimmy Alvarado singing and it’s careening and warty year. –Jimmy Alvarado would find much to like here, as any one (Disaster/Bomp) punk rock accented by terrifying mus- (www.s-srecords.com) of the bands on here would’ve fit just taches, alcoholism, pants shitting, and nicely on that comp. I gotta get out more VARIOUS ARTISTS: missing teeth. More great stuff from the VARIOUS ARTISTS: often ‘cause there’s apparently some Punkorama Vol. 9: CD + DVD Pacific Northwest. It’s like garage rock, Bastard Radio #16: CD-R mighty fine punk rock making the You know the drill. It’s a label sampler where a van has crashed through the It looks like bands and labels send rounds in town again. –Jimmy Alvarado of twenty-four previously released side of the garage, and nobody com- music in and Bastard Records picks one (War Room) songs by bands on Epitaph’s roster. This plains. Fans of the Orphans would find track (more if they like them) and one also includes a DVD with eleven much to like with the Triggers. –Todd makes a mix CD. This one has forty- VARIOUS ARTISTS: videos. We’ve reviewed each of these (Dirtnap) three tracks, and I’d only heard a couple Lude Boy Vol. 1: CD bands in our pages, and I don’t want to of the bands before. It starts off with the I gotta be honest, the initial reason I repeat what was said. I’m keeping it for TRUE NORTH: label-sent tracks, which were mostly picked this up was ‘cause one of the the Randy video to “X-Ray Eyes.” They Somewhat Similar: CD thrash/grind/hardcore. The individual bands on here goes by the name of the fuck up a trailer from the inside when True North owes a lot to Fugazi and band tracks were a bit more of a grab Tumors. Megan knew of ‘em and said it’s rolling down the highway. Randy. Rites of Spring. The songs build up ten- bag. Overall, a great comp to introduce they weren’t too bad, but the reason I Now, that’s a really good band. –Todd sion and release it in arty breakdowns. you to a large chunk of what might be was so interested in ‘em stems from the (Epitaph) There’s heavy feedback in just the right slipping by your radar. Oh, and it’s only fact that my last band was called the places. There’s a lot of Guy Picciotto- three bucks, and they also accept trades. Tumors, (not a stunningly original VARIOUS ARTISTS: style screaming and singing. The lyrics I’ll look for future releases. –Megan name, I know, but I thought it was a Resistance, Resistance, are vague and poetic in that punk-rock- (Bastard Radio) funny name for a band when Yogi came Resistance: CD lyric sense. This is more than just some- up with it over a pitcher of beer back in No Front Teeth has been doing a great what similar to Fugazi and Rites of VARIOUS ARTISTS: Death ‘93) and I wanted to see what another job of releasing lo-fi street punk bands Spring. It’s close enough to those bands Rattle & Roll Volume 1: CD band with the same name would sound that do justice to bands like the Business that you could probably play Somewhat The Sid clone on the cover led me not to like. My opinion? Their brand of hard- or Sham 69, and this album showcases a Similar to a Rites of Spring fan and con- expect too much from this, so I was a bit core does the name justice, although I’d few of these bands, like Blacklist vince him that this was actually a new surprised at how strong this comp actu- be happy to put our “Eat It and Die, Brigade, the Briggs and Vinny Jack and side project from Guy and Brendan ally was. Some pretty solid tracks can Pigboy” up against their “Die Hippie the Jabbs. But this comp goes beyond Canty. Still, what sets True North apart be found here from the likes of the Scumbag” any day. Too bad they’ve just the street punk, paying tribute to from the other Fugazi/Rites of Spring Grannies, Bottles and Skulls, Fleshies, apparently broken up. We could’ve set OC punk rock with cool (though previ- ously released) songs by the Smut Documentaries, short films, music kind of music as nothing more than (behind only that of NOFX and the Peddlers and the Hunns. There are two videos and even a comedy skit to egg on stunted vocabularies, monkeybeats, worst-there-ever-could-be Me First & tunes by an earlier Duane Peters band, some thought. Thoughts to create inde- thudding guitar riffs, and an increasing The Gimme Gimmes). Second off, my the Exploding Fuck Dolls (see Todd’s pendent theory that is based on facts emphasis on fashion and style. For the Advance Nu-Metal Warning System™ interview with Duane Peters to learn from not only mass media, government, most part, they’re right, but every so emits horrifying blasts of dire static at about the real exploding fuck doll). and the education system but from out- often, bands like Vitamin X or the periodic intervals when i experience this Texas punk anomalies Malavista rock side sources. Independent media not Gordon Solie Motherfuckers come product. Third off, with a name this gay through songs that will hopefully controlled by large corporations is get- along and it’s just one chairshot to the and graphics this lame (or is it “a name inspire you to pick up their new EP. The ting harder and harder to come by. So face after another. Fast, but not ridicu- this lame and graphics this gay?” I for- Briefs show up halfway through the CD it’s scary that the most up-front political lously so, allowing the drummer to play get exactly whom i intend to offend and keep things fresh. And, really, there punk bands of late have been Bad some of the most inventive stuff I’ve here), i do not blame myself whatsoev- are too many good songs here to men- Religion, NOFX, and the Descendents. ever heard a thrash band play. er for not having Clue One whom this tion all the bands. It’s a solid comp from They actually have a better reach than Thankfully, the guitar sounds closer to band was, even though they’ve appar- beginning to end. The icing on top of it, the most political of punk bands. Even the Zero Boys than Youth of Today, and ently been putting out records since though, are two live JFA songs. –Sean though I’m not a Republican, George the singer never veers off into cookie 1993. Fourth off, this record kicks ass, (No Front Teeth) W. Bush and the Republican Party is monster territory or any “wasn’t so go the fuck figure. I mean, i’m run- always good for punk. For some reason, Morrissey great?” interludes. This ning the key algorithms thru my brain as VARIOUS ARTISTS: Rip Off when a Democrat is in office, people get whole record flies by like a tornado of we speak: If Cheap Trick, who were Records’ Third Wave of Hits: complacent. Punk rock was great during buzzsaws, duct tape, dirt, and blood. compelled to palliate their Anglophiliac CD the Reagan years and punk rock is great Couple this with their last album, and leanings (e.g. The Move, The Beatles, Imagine that the last comp from Rip Off now. The scenes of punk rock may be you’ve got yourself forty-something The Who) with liberal doses of had been a championship winning team, fragmented and separate but the anger songs of prime hardcore listening. –Josh Midwestern Arena Clod Rock for yokel- with superstars like the Rip Offs, the level is up again in a united front. (Havoc) pleasing purposes, were, in fact, Anglos Motards, and Loli and the Chones scor- Getting new thought outside of the con- who were compelled to palliate their ing big points. If that were the case, than formist education and media system is VOIDS: Kill a Generation: CD more melodic aspects with liberal doses this comp would be the team after the always good. So I commend all the Some pretty good female-fronted hard- of the rube-rock of their time and place championship, when the superstars have bands on this comp, like Fat bands core here. Although I would’ve person- (Nu-Metal last time i checked), would been traded away and the franchise is in NOFX, Anti-Flag, Descendents, None ally preferred to hear more rhythmic not Cheap Trick’s One On One album, a rebuilding stage. The Rip Offs have More Black, The Epoxies, Against Me! variation from song to song to break up then, sound much like Riff After Riff? been replaced by a less fleshed out ver- and others and major label bands like the monotony, especially after thirty- Best answer i can come up with is sion of themselves in The Infections. Sum 41, Ministry, New Found Glory, four minutes, their songs and delivery “yup.” One second they’ll be playing The Swindlers fill in the Motards posi- Less than Jake, and the Ataris in partic- are good enough to keep one’s interest these BUGGACHUGGACHUG! tion, but just aren’t up to the same level ipating. A second volume is in the piqued. –Jimmy Alvarado (Dr. Strange) DUGGACHUGGABUGG! guitar as the Motards. The Spastics sound like works for the summer. A lot of product parts, with the singer sounding like a band that could fill in the shoes of Loli for what I believe is being marketed at a VULVETTES: This Is the Chad Price of All trying to hork up a and the Chones. The Registrators are low price. It’s worth it just for the bonus Science We Believe In: CD football, next second the guy’s singing still around from the second comp, and DVD. –Donofthedead (Fat) Quite possibly the best impersonation like Robin Zander, the sun is out, and they’re still putting forth a solid effort. of “Live at Target” era Nervous Gender everybody’s drinking free wine coolers. And the new additions (Chinese VARIOUS ARTISTS: Shielded I’ve ever heard in my life. Gloriously Damnedest thing. And it actually works, Millionaires and Spites) are respectable by Death Volume Three: CD noisy and annoying in ways I’ve that’s the nutty part. Rocks about as players in their own rights, but without One good thing to come outta the whole haven’t enjoyed since the early ‘80s. hard as a Joan Jett album (on average); the superstars, I just don’t see how this “Killed By Death” phenomenon that Highly, highly recommended. –Jimmy my math says that logically this should comp is going to make it to the playoffs. even the bands that weren’t too thrilled Alvarado (Dragnet) be the kind of record that almost every- If you’re a fan, they’re still worth root- to find they’d been bootlegged hafta one likes – insuring that there’s about a ing for. If you’re not sure if you’re a fan, admit, some pretty interesting, other- WEAVING THE DEATHBAG: 99.9% probability that it turns out to be buy the second comp and wait for the wise obscure as hell tuneage has been The Devil’s Punchline: 7” the kind of record almost everyone fourth when, when Rip Off should pick unearthed, and with the subsequent Hyperspeed Wisconsin thrash along the hates. ROCK THAT LAKE OF PISS up blue chip prospects like the Kill-O- variations on the KBD formula that con- lines of label-mates The Neighbors, ACE FREHLEY ALIVE I STYLE, Watts and the Tyrades. –Sean (Rip Off) tinue to come out, even more rarities with the socially conscious lyrics and MOTHERFUCKER!!! BEST SONG: spanning the globe are seeing the light the going as fast as possible, though “Return to Zero” BEST SONG TITLE: VARIOUS ARTISTS: of day, which brings me to this release. with a couple slow parts for them to rest “Stormy in the North, Karma in the Rock Against Bush Vol. 1: CD This is a collection of punk rarities from their arms. –Cuss Baxter (Kangaroo) South” FANTASTIC AMAZING This CD is being covered by every the non-XClaim/Modern Method TRIVIA FACT: He’s gonna get HIGH, music magazine possible, from Rolling Boston/CT scene of the 1970s/’80s. The WHAT THE KIDS WANT: he’s gonna get LOW, he’s gonna get Stone down to us. I also see it advertised styles are pretty well mixed up, with a Loud Quiet Loud: CD HIGH and return to zero. I guarantee it! everywhere. My views are so tiny com- few bands offering up some hardcore, Female-fronted pop punk in the vein of –Rev. Nørb (Gearhead) pared to the others describing this. some representing the traditional East the Sissies, which only makes sense There are always more than two differ- Coast punk sound of the time, and oth- since the singer/guitar player was in the X-GIRL: ent points of view in every topic. But ers still opting to forge their own path, Sissies. Good stuff, well worth the five Endangered Species: CD the subject of free thought and open dis- and all of them are good at what they bucks. –Megan Synth and guitar driven, sometimes cussion is an important one here. do. Funny to see some o’ the bands on (Smack Dab in the Middle) moody, Japanese pop from three girls Having been in punk a long time, I see here ‘cause I wouldn’t have considered dressed like they just walked out of an the cycle of kids come through every them “obscure,” but further considera- WHERE EAGLES DARE: To episode of some animé show. It’s inter- year. One year they are here and, poof, tion has made me come to the realiza- Come from Nowhere: CD esting, but that don’t mean it’s particu- they are gone. Such a small percentage tion that only boring old scene barnacles I remember reviewing their In a larly good. –Jimmy Alvarado take advantage of the wonderful net- like me, Don, and Al Quint would know Thousand Words or Less CD a year ago. (Alternative Tentacles) work it has to offer. So much of the anything about Cancerous Growth, I pulled it out to hear what they sound- scene seems to be about partying and Seizure or even 8th Route Army any- ed like. They had a straight-forward YETI: Volume Obliteration being macho. You can get that in any more. Fuck, suddenly I have this urge to hardcore/straight edge sound that was Transcendence: CD scene. There is so much information buy a rocking chair. I may be old, but energetic and fierce. I pop this in the Hey Rob Zombie, you should totally get that is being bypassed because the per- this shit still rocks. –Jimmy Alvarado player and hear a lot of change and pro- these guys to play on the soundtrack for son is apathetic or has such a low self- (Dionysus) gression. The hardcore/straight edge is your next super-good horror movie that esteem that they are a puppet on a still here, but they must have been play- I’ll totally go see. Ummm four tracks, string. Bands on this release cater more VARIOUS ARTISTS: ing a lot of Mars Volta or At the Drive almost an hour of play time. –Megan to the people I’m talking about – bands Streetpunk Worldwide: CD In while in their touring van. The break- (Life Is Abuse) that play Warped Tour, get radio airplay, Twenty-five tracks from an internation- downs that were mosh in the past and can be bought in most chain stores al assortment of “street punk” bands became more emotive. Also, due to bet- ZODIAC KILLERS: throughout the country. These are gen- illustrating that one need not be bald ter musicianship, the music has more Society’s Offenders: CD erally the new kids to the scene. These and American to have a lame band with metal elements. So the emo-screamo is If you’ve heard the Zodiac Killers bands play more established venues. dumb lyrics. SO much bad shit going on more prevalent, added with the youth before, you know what to expect here. These are not the same kids you see at a in the world and the best you can come crew backgrounds. Still burly and their Short, deceptively simple rock and roll D.I.Y. show. They are not as educated. up with is “Satan is a Skinhead”? Puh- shows are probably a bad place to be if that never fails to draw blood. But one in fifty or one in a hundred LEEZE. –Jimmy Alvarado you suffer from some body ailments. Apparently, there’s a video on here, but might grasp something and be com- (www.rebellionrecords.nl) –Donofthedead (New Day Rising) I couldn’t get my computer to play it. I pletely changed forever. This is a great guess it’s because I’m a loser vehicle for this. Lure them in by offer- VITAMIN X: Bad Trip: LP WILDHEARTS, THE: and should just drink my life ing a band that they are a fan of and give Naysayers, when whining about how Riff after Riff: CD away because I am as dumb as them a little more. The bonus DVD is hardcore died in 1986 or whatever year First off, this is the third-worst kick a box of rocks and don’t really chock full of information. they stopped listening it, condemn this drum sound i’ve ever heard on record deserve to see it. –Josh C O N T A C T A D D R E S S E S to bands and labels that were reviewedin the eitherlast two in months. this issue or posted on www.razorcake.com
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It Makes You Want to Spit: The Definitive Guide to PUNK in N. Ireland by Seam O’Neill and Guy Trelford, 275 pages I love scene histories, especially those that take a more proletarian approach to what is covered rather than merely singling out a few of the biggie bands, singing their praises for hundreds of pages and effective ignoring the rank and file, so this, basically an encyclopedia of nearly everyone who bashed on an instrument in Northern Ireland from 1977-82, to me, is frankly the bee’s knees: nearly 300 pages about a whole host of bands I’ve never heard of alongside more famous names, all given more or less equal weight, as it should be. A bevy of juicy tidbits can be found wedged between the covers about the bigger names to come out of the scene, from an almost universal admi- ration for the Undertones’ street pop to an almost universal questioning of Stiff Little Fingers’ motivations, but there is also more than enough about those who made as much of a racket without managing the same acco- lades, from the bands that opted to tour and/or relocate to England to the numerous others who opted instead to slug it out in the home clubs. A wealth of first-hand experiences can be found here on what a complete nightmare being a punk in Ulster could be and what made the scene so special that so many felt the need to endure what they did to keep it alive, and what looks to be like everybody involved, from musician to fanzine editor to filmmaker to label mogul to just plain fans, gets to weigh in with their two cents. Michael Burnett, covers how he befriended a dorky kid, Dirk, and skated The coverage here is focused on the first five years of the scene’s exis- his backyard ramp. One particularly funny section is Dirk’s mom first tence, yet there is little of the pathetic elitism and “this was OUR thing time on a skateboard. In a very unwise initial move, she decides, having and anything that came after us ain’t real” mentality so prevalent in other watched kids skate the ramp effortlessly for months, that dropping in on tomes, namely the coffee table-sized overviews being peddled by aging the halfpipe would be easy. “Then, in an incident so powerful it has since Londoners grasping desperately to their still-overpriced Vivienne taken up more space in my brain than my entire education in mathemat- Westwood originals and longing for the days before they sold out, when ics, she took a slam more appropriate in a rodeo bloopers tape than in the they were still the freaks du jour. On the contrary, this book ends with a neatly groomed backyard of an upper middle class home in the American recap of what has happened since the “golden age” covered herein indi- West…. Her chest, less than thirty-six months cancer free, plowed square- cating that the scene is still alive and well and that while many of the old ly into the awaiting slope, followed by her chin, which scraped along, guard may have moved on, they acknowledge that what they helped to bouncing her head a good two or three time in a cartoon-like woodpeck- build has continued on with or without them. The biggest gripe I’m able er motion….” The entire story is filled with innocence, gaining skate to muster is that with so many obscure bands and out of print singles cov- skills, tenderness, poor alcohol decisions, and ends with the young ered here, an accompanying compilation of, at the very least, the high- Michael dancing with Dirk’s cute, older sister. lights is sorely needed, but otherwise, this is easily the best scene In “Last Summer Some Hippy Pinched My Stick,” by another long- overview that has thus far come along. –Jimmy Alvarado (Reekus, 77 time skater and Thrasher regular, Wez Lundry continues with the engag- Haddington Road, Dublin 4, Ireland; www.reekus.com) ing storytelling. Recounting the karmic gains and losses of his skate- boards over the years, he leads the reader into a situation where they’ve Life and Limb: Skateboarders Write from the Deep End handcuffed the kid who had stolen their boards to a couch as the kid’s edited by Justin Hocking, Jeffrey Knutson, and Jared Maher, 188 pgs. mom comes in to collect her son. “It was hilarious,” Wez writes. I view collections of short stories much like compilation tapes. If it’s “Someone spotted her and we all hid in separate bedrooms, laughing…. I done right, different readers will have favorite tracks, but none of them came out of hiding, unlocked him, and explained to her what happened, outright stink. It should have a nice flow from beginning to end. Editing and that we wanted our boards back. She rolled her eyes, obviously used is key. Life and Limb does just that. The loose thematic foundation is to her son’s exploits.” skateboarding. The editors also do a pretty good job of keeping a central What’s also a positive for this collection is that although it isn’t didac- focus, but also dilate it just enough to show how skating intersects with tic – it isn’t saying “this is right, this is wrong.” It does a good job of look- art, literature (there’s a story that directly evokes Moby Dick), bus rides, ing at skateboarding from the inside out, from long-time observers. Niall photography, pranks, abstract thoughts, and spirituality. (Some stories Neeson’s “The Lost Boys,” makes the comparison of modern skate videos have nothing to do with skating – but ice fishing and raccoon eradication to pornography. And he makes a good point. Neither medium is very attempts – but are written by skaters.) By allowing a diverse cross section interested in the chase nor the slow build up, but the flash, flash, flash. of writers some breathing room, Life and Limb also has the feel of a book “The idea,” Neeson writes, “was that with crisp editing and endless you could give to a non-skater to show them that skateboarding’s world is footage, the thrill just kept coming. In fact it is an oddly anaesthetic expe- much wider than a bunch of concrete-terrorizing miscreants or an ever- rience, devoid of human context; a great joy reduced to mere mechanics.” touring corporately sponsored modular park with jacked-up commenta- He’s right. Watching a highlight reel of Tony Hawk in a vert contest for tors. more than ten minutes has more than a couple similarities with closeups All that said, my favorite stories were those that effortlessly inter- of Ron Jeremy pumping a porn star. Repetition, precision, inherent skill, twined skating into a narrative about growing up or growing older. and robotics, instead of the loose and fluid joys of skateboarding (and sex) “Get Radical,” by longtime Thrasher photographer and writer as a whole. 111 The book also does a good job of marking the territorial boundaries belly button would be. If you’re trying to find that elusive (hypodermic) that skateboarding has claimed and the battles that it’s currently fighting. needle of a comic in a haystack that’ll give you giggles when you crack Case in point: rollerblades. I’m a mellow dude and if some young kid’s the spine, My Little Funny’s just the right type of fucked-up medicine. skating them, I figure they just don’t know better and do my best not to –Todd (Fantagraphics Books, 7563 Lake City Way NE, Seattle, WA tease them. But, if that kids turns out to be a run-snaking little fucker, the 98115) “This isn’t a slide!” taunts flow freely from my mouth. Jocko Weyland, in “Cracker Bastards vs. the Fat Dyke Bitch Brood” sheds a little more light Pie Any Means Necessary: The Biotic Baking Brigade Cookbook on my impulsive disgust. “The main reason is,” Jocko writes, “is that edited by Agent Apple, 116 pgs. rollerbladers have co-opted the style, clothing, and tricks of skateboard- A few years ago, I remember hearing about Bill Gates getting pied. It ing and adapted them to a demonstrably inferior activity. They also have seemed so simple, and yet, so perfect. There was something about the a penchant for acting laughably tough while trying to pass their eight- sheer humiliation of it all that stuck with me – and still makes me smile wheeled folly off as being comparable to skating. It isn’t…. They are par- whenever I think about it. Most businessmen are anonymous, and even asites who are unfortunately allowed to share space with skateboarders.” those who are well-known rarely openly discuss their business with the In wrapping this up, Justin Hocking’s “Whaling,” provides an appro- public. In their own private circles, they are well respected and isolated priate bookend. “According to the imaginary bureaucrats in your head, from the rest of us. But then, one day, after a mundane meeting about the you’re way to old to be skateboarding, but you’re still thinking maybe you price of computer chips, WHAM! Right in the face! can get up and try the frontside air one more time before the pain really Pie Any Means Necessary chronicles the tales of pie throwing around sets in… Then Bronco slides down and kneels beside you. ‘Come on,’ he the world, from economist Milton Friedman’s encounter with a coconut says, grinning, ‘let’s get your ass up out of here.’” creme variety to former San Francisco mayor Willie Brown’s collision With the hit ratio much higher than the misses, Life and Limb comes with a mixture of tofu creme, pumpkin, and berry. There’s pie recipes highly recommended. –Todd (Soft Skull) (with the utmost consideration given to throw-ability), pieing photos, tons of pie puns (“Cream and Punishment,” “No Pastry, No Peace”) and even My Little Funny a pieing folk song (“So if you cut down the last of the forests/Spew poi- by Kaz, 96 pgs. son in the air/Don’t you be surprised to find/That cheesecake in your My first introduction to Kaz was by a crazy guy, Frederique Le hair”)! Bastard, who would write me about the war books he was reading and the My favorite section details the activities of Georges Le Gloupier, a obscure punk rock he was listening to at the time. Nice guy. With all the French pie-thrower famous for having pied pro-war philosopher Bernard letters, he’d include two or three comics by Kaz. I’d never seen the Henri-Levy no less than five times! Le Gloupier, a classic Frenchmen, comics before. Dark, funny, and drawn like they came from the spleen of pays attention to culinary detail: “We only use the finest patisserie, Walt Disney’s nightmare alter ego, I couldn’t stop laughing at them. My ordered at the last minute from small local bakers. Quality is everything. Little Funny is a great collection, the fifth, of Kaz’s syndicated strips. If things go wrong, we eat them.” Here’s a taste of what you’re in for. Multiple, funny fart jokes. An “Aww Although this book would be even better if it had color photos instead tits! I’m doomed!” vibe. Fishermen having sex with big fish in lingerie of just black and white, that’s a minor criticism. Really, this book is hilar- that aren’t, nor could ever be, mermaids. Polar bears getting a nice, mel- ious and provides inspiration to us all. Can you imagine someone pieing, low high from tranquilizer darts and commenting on the buzz as “Frosty.” say, Donald Rumsfeld? Or Dick Cheney? Of course, there would be Smiley faces are replaced by skulls and crossbones. Unicorns with tattoo something amazing about pieing Dubya himself, but, as the writers of this skulls that gore little children. Once-cute animals have syringes sticking book are quick to point out, pieing is even more successful when the vic- out of their arms as casually as if they were wearing necklaces. Shaved, tim fails to joke about it and instead becomes enraged. I’d imagine masturbating gorillas. Recurring characters include Sam Snuff, who looks Dubya would find a way to have it turn out in his favor, but like an alcoholic Popeye of the Apocalypse, and Creep Rat who looks like Rumsfeld? Cheney? Ashcroft? Start preparing the crusts and the a coughed-up hairball with an “X” of band-aids approximately where his topping! Its time to go forth and pie! –Maddy (AK Press)