“Keep the Cat Free” ISSUE 1499 FEELIX 28.10.11 The student voice of Imperial College London since 1949 FROM ENGINEERING TO F1 Felix interviews Formula 1 engineer Dirk DeBeer: Page 6 TECHNOLOGY WHERE DID At the International Technology Show THEY ALL GO? Page 10

University applications fall by 9% across the UK – Page 4 MUSIC

KABLAAM: the Felix Music Nights return Page 24

FOOD

Imperial Food Awards winners announced Page 34 2 Friday 28 OcTOBER 2011 FELIX HIGHLIGHTS

What’s on BEHIND THE SCENES CLASSIFIEDS

Felix Sports, trawling through the Looking for Stroud Advanced Engineering Math- Special Evening Concert ematics, Good Condition, Fourth Edition. Will offer latest Wednesday results so you £20. Reply to [email protected] The Coull Quartet will perform Shostakovitch’s Quartet No. 13 and Dvorak’s Quartet in F Op 96 don’t have to Garage in South Kensington requires painting, “The American”. Admission is free – a free glass of call 02078351710 for further information wine will be available before the concert from 17:20 onwards. Gorgeous fi xed gear bike. Shiny black with metal- Holy Trinity Church, Prince Consort lic blue fi ttings. Offers in excess of £350. Email Road [email protected] Tuesday 1 November 17:45–18:30 Jakobs Café (20 Gloucester Road) are currently looking for enthusiastic students with good Eng- lish and presentation skills to serve their custom- Competition ers on a part time basis. Shifts: 12pm to 3pm or 6pm to 9pm (Monday to Sunday) Salary: £7/hour + food. To apply, send your CV to vidhulvinodh@ gmail.com, or phone 07466632915

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This prized offi ce trinket is pretty representative of the Sports Editors on a Wednesday evening – keep on trucking! In recognition of Wednesday’s Athletics Lolcat of teh week Club Committee Bar Night, why not check out this week’s Sports section? Four pages of reports, interviews and league tables. It’s a hard, impoverished life down here in the offi ce, and our Sports Editors and contributors have to keep pushing right

Well lookie here, we’ve only gone and gotten our- up to the deadline to bring you the latest selves two copies of Bad Teacher to give away on DVD. To be in with a chance of bagging yourself a results and listings. Anyway, if Sports copy, simply email [email protected], with the subject ‘DVD PLS’. The winners will be randomly se- isn’t your thing, there’s always the Cryptic lected from all valid entries after 23:59 on Novem- ber 1. The Editor’s decision is fi nal. Bad Teacher is Crossword. And if that isn’t your thing, out on Blu-ray and DVD October 31 courtesy of Sony Pictures Home Entertainment. While you’re at it, well, I’m beat. head over to www.facebook./BadTeacher.UK.IRE for your chance to win a massive TV, just sayin’. Editor

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, Northcliffe House, Meadow Road, Derby. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. FELIX Copyright © Felix 2011.

Editor-in-Chief Matthew Colvin Deputy Editor Charles Betts News Editors Sophia David Alex Nowbar Reporters Maciej Matuszewski Features Editors Katy Bettany Stephen Smith Sports Editors Indy Leclercq David Wilson Sports Rookies Gabriel Oppetit Johnny Wong Science Editors Kelly Oakes Alexander Karapetian Politics Editors Rajat Jain Joseph Letts Business Editors Beñat Gurrutxaga Lerma Nina Kearsey Technology Editors Chris Bowers Feroz Salam Comment Editors Tim Arbabzadah Samuel Horti Arts Editors Will Prince Eva Rosenthal Music Editors Iñigo Martinez de Rituerto Stephen Smith Fashion Editors Saskia Verhagen Alice Yang Television Editors Matt Allinson James Simpson Film Editors John Park Lucy Wiles Games Editor Laurence Pope Food Editors Anastasia Eleftheriou Michael Krestas Travel Editors Dushi Arumuganesan Chris Richardson Online Editors Chris Birkett Jonathan Kim Kadhim Shubber Puzzles Captain James Hook Photo Editor Miles Robertson Copy Editors Afonso Campos Carol Ann Cheah Philip Kent Jonathan Peek Deepka Rana Eva Rosenthal Annina Sartor FELIX Friday 28 october 2011 3 News Editors: Sophia David Alex Nowbar [email protected] NEWS Union fi rst to provide response to NSS Report unveils move towards better teaching and automated feedback

Matthew Colvin Maciej Matsuzewski The Response also emphasises the need for blended learning and technological Imperial College Union has become the innovations. Heath has pointed out that only student union in the UK to publish an while “part of the University’s [full] name offi cial response to the National Student is technology” it has “too often followed” Survey (NSS). A poor performance in this others in this area. He gives Imperial be- this year’s NSS has been widely blamed ing one of “the last to have a mobile app” for the College slipping 11 places in the as an example of this. He believes that Sunday Times League Table for 2012 en- “you can’t be number one if you follow” try. This was the fi rst year of a new meth- and that it is therefore “time to lead”. odology, which places greater weight on As such the Union has recommended the survey, being used to compile the table. that the “College actively encourage and The report – written by Union President reward innovations in teaching methods”, Scott Heath, Deputy President (Educa- pointing to MSc in Strategic Marketing as tion) Jason Parmar and Representation a prime example. An appendix to the re- Coordinator Andrew Keenan – summaris- port, which is available on Parmar’s blog, es the NSS data in an easy to understand outlines how handing out iPads to students format and, in the words of Parmar, “pro- on the course has improved communica- vides 35 Union Recommendations to help tions between them and staff. It explains that “apps such as Goodreader allow stu- dents to make notes on the lecture slides “... [there is] a during teaching [and) let them send an- notations directly to lecturer so they can genuine problem expand or explain points and send them after a lecture as a point for discussion in with the quality of tutorials”. Coursework elements which incorporate “creating Wordpress blogs, teaching at Imperial” making applications, building websites and fi lming videos” were also praised. The report’s authors also believe that improve the Student Experience at Imperi- technological innovations may help the al”. Parmar has written in his offi cial blog College in the area of Assessment and that “the low results in the NSS reveal a Feedback, in which it is currently ranked genuine problem with the quality of teach- 163rd out of 168 by the NSS, with satisfac- Imperial College Union aim to combat Imperial’s low ranking for assessment and feedback in the NSS ing at Imperial” and added that he believes tion at 54%. The Union recommends that that “if college takes on board and effec- “College and the Union work [together] tively implements what this response from on a major project: the creation of a feed- “time and funding in Welcome Week to the Union and student body recommends, back and assessment programme that sim- bring [academic] buddies together” and Sponsored Editorial then we should see a dramatic increase in plifi es and automates the process for staff reforming the Personal Tutor system so the quality of teaching and student satis- and students”. The software would allow that Tutors have regular meetings with faction at Imperial College.” “a marker to instantly type or transcribe their tutees and are “given access to in- The NSS Response reveals that while feedback for each student as they mark”. formation about their … academic pro- student satisfaction with teaching is 83%, The report points out that this “would gression”. The report points out that the More student cuts comparable with previous years, a large prevent administrative delay”, solve “is- suggested feedback software might again number of students believe that staff have sues of legibility of marker’s handwrit- be of use here. not “made the subject interesting”. This is ing” and provide a “method of gathering To allow the Union to oversee the attributed to “lack of variety in teaching reliable cohort-wide information”. Further implementation of these suggestions Discount haircuts for Imperial methods, as well as our institutional stub- suggested improvements in Assessment it has been recommended that “the bornness to embrace new technologies”. and Feedback include making “marker’s Deputy President (Education) and the students at Fresh Hairdressers To combat this, the Union recommends deadlines as compulsory as students’ sub- Union President … sit as full members “transparent and formal training for lectur- mission deadlines” and regularly review- of the Strategic Education Committee”. ers with biennial review” and “solidifying ing coursework to “ensure relevance … Queen’s University Belfast is currently More student cuts for Imperial 0207 823 8968. Ask for a the claimed link between teaching ability and to seek improvement”. the only other Russell Group University students at South Kensington’s student discount and bring your and promotion”. Parmar has told Felix that without student representatives on all FRESH Hairdressers. Imperial ID. it is widely accepted that “the route to pro- academic committees. Heath has said Men’s cuts £22 Cash only. fessorship is that you have to teach”. “... transparent that he believes that this change would Women’s shampoo and cut and Further improvements could be be “very benefi cial” and that student rep- shake dry £28 achieved through “visible, prominent and training for lecturers” resentatives are required “at every level” Women’s shampoo, cut and prestigious” student-led teaching awards of the College educational structure. blow-dry £38 being extended to every department to Heath has said that the Response has, All of our cuts are done by highly incentivise high quality teaching. Addi- The report also supports students in general, “received the approval of experienced stylists. tionally, implementing a “’You Say, We building up soft and transferrable skills senior College management”, though Tuesday to Fridays 9.30 to Did’ campaign within each department to to aid with their Personal Development, Parmar added that the issue of getting 4.30 (sorry no discounts on promote changes in teaching as a direct with Heath saying he would like to see representation on the Strategic Education Saturdays). result of Student On-Line Evaluation” the implementation of a “transferable Committee was not looking “as promis- We are only 70 metres from would create “a powerful tool for spotting skills course” and “more group work ing as had been initially thought”. The South Kensington tube station individual problems and successes” and and presentations” as part of students’ Union is now in the process of meeting To book an appointment, call would make students “feel that they can degrees. Academic Support could be with senior staff in each department to infl uence their course design”. improved by departments allocating discuss the proposals. 4 Friday 28 OCTOBER 2011 FELIX News Editors: Sophia David Alex Nowbar NEWS [email protected] In Brief University applications fall Pembridge Annexe to be demolished Demand for science study steady in comparison

Plans to demolish a disused annexe from behind Pem- Sophia David UK students, and a 9.3% reduction from The UCAS fi gures also show that bridge Gardens hall of residence in favour of a residen- Alex Nowbar other-EU students, applications from applications from people over the age tial development have been clarifi ed by the College students outside the EU have risen sig- of 25 have fallen by a staggering 20% Fund. After years of steady increases, uni- nifi cantly by 8.8%. Although the near and over the age of 40, by 28%. Mean- Pembridge Gardens, located in Notting Hall, has versity applications are currently 9% trebling of tuition fees in 2012 does not while, there has been only a 2.4% re- been operating at approximately 105 bedspaces lower than last year’s level at this time apply to international students, their duction in the number of 18 year olds since 2009, when it handed over its annexe to the with 7000 fewer applications so far. Al- fees are already exceptionally high, of- applying, suggesting that the rising tu- College Fund. The annexe, deemed ‘non-core and not though the deadline for most courses ten over £20,000. These latest fi gures ition fees are not deterring young peo- required for undergraduate accommodation’, has the is January, these fi gures from UCAS refl ect the consistently high reputation ple from further study as signifi cantly capability of housing 32 bed spaces out of 24 bed- (University and College Admissions of UK universities worldwide and their rooms. Following its handover, the annexe remains Service) are the fi rst offi cial application strong appeal to international students. empty and sealed off. fi gures for students who will be paying Interestingly, whilst applications from “Applications for The College Fund aims to stabilise College fi nances higher tuition fees of up to £9000 per male students saw a decline of only 7%, by managing investments assets, such as the annexe year. applications from females have dropped science subjects ... and maximising their return. However, since these fi gures only by 10.7%. This can also be linked to a John Anderson, CEO of the College Fund, says that, show applications up to October 19, higher decline in applications for arts have generally not “it was handed over to the College Fund in 2009. This Universities UK has warned that they subjects and public services, such as is a 1970s block which has had no refurbishment and remain “unreliable indicators” and do education and nursing, which typically changed hugely” is not fi t for appropriate habitations so if it were to be not yet tell the full story. A better indi- have more female applicants. continued then it would have been refurbished for that cator of the change in application num- Applications for science subjects, purpose.” bers may be the fact that, despite the on the other hand, have generally not as was expected. “We have been working with the Royal Borough of large decline in total applications so far, changed hugely with applications for Pro-Rector Professor Julia Bucking- Kensington and Chelsea on a planning scheme. The applications with an October 15 dead- both physical sciences and mathemati- ham told Felix that, “it is still early days idea is that we knock [the annexe] down and replace line (Oxbridge, and all medicine and cal and computer sciences only down in the admissions cycle for 2012 and we it with a townhouse and 13 residential apartments. veterinary applications) are only down 1.6%, for example. On the surface, it will want to hold off drawing any con- Anderson envisages that the development, which 0.8%. On the other hand, the majority certainly seems that students are now clusions at this stage. Data from UCAS has been going through the planning process for two of these applications will be from high addressing the suitability, value-for- suggests the number of applications for and a half years, will be completed in 2014 due to a money and career prospects of univer- Imperial received by October 15 were 24 month construction period. sity courses to a greater extent that will down by around 0.3% for 2012 entry Dr Marko Krznaric, warden of Pembridge Gardens “There is still hopefully lead to wiser choices being compared to the same point the previ- and Parsons House has stated that his main aim in made. These changes could mark the ous year. However the rate appears terms of the development “is to ensure that the new uncertainty as to end of an era whereby simply obtain- broadly in line with the level of applica- development, whenever it happens, has no major im- ing a degree was regarded by many stu- tions received for 2010 entry, indicating pact of the living conditions to the students in Pem- whether there will dents as the important aspect of univer- that more information is needed for us bridge.” “I have to say that the College and the Fund sity, regardless of the institution’s status to properly understand any trends in ap- responded pretty well and it seems that all, or most of be a late soar in and the course they are studying. plication rates.” my concerns were addressed.” Matthew Colvin applications”

academic achievers who are most likely PhD coffee row in Mech Eng to attend university anyway despite the rising fees. Therefore, there is still un- certainty as to whether there will be a An experiment in the Mechanical Engineering depart- late soar in applications to match this ment whereby PhD students have been allowed to small decline of early applications, or share the academic common room (701) with staff whether the rise in tuition fees has tak- members has ended after six months – with the evic- en a greater toll on those students that tion of students. In an email sent to the students would apply to courses with the later involved, Mike Lowe, Chair of the Space Committee, January deadline. listed a combination of contributing reasons why “the Toni Pearce, vice-president of the Na- facility is no longer working out to be convenient.” tional Union of Students, has suggested Lowe accuses students of “taking coffee sachets that the current fi gures are a refl ection and milk away from the room – presumably to make of “the confusion caused by the gov- coffee elsewhere”, and abusing the facility “simply to ernment’s botched reforms” which are get free take-away cups of coffee.” He adds that “this “causing young people to at the very misses the intention of it being an informal place for least hesitate before applying to univer- people to meet colleagues.” Lowe also argues that sity.” there are now too many people using the common A survey commissioned by the BBC room and that it has become too popular for formal has also suggested that the higher fees small meetings, which limits access for others. One will put off 10% of potential students in PhD student, who wished to remain anonymous, told England. However, Universities Minis- Felix that “the reasons for the space being closed off ter, David Willetts insists that, “it is im- to PhD students are ridiculous. The room is always portant that no one is put off applying mostly empty. The perception is that the decision was to university because they do not have made by a couple of grumpy lecturers with no respect information about how the new student Have your say on for PhD satisfaction.” fi nance system works.” Sophia David However, whilst the fi gures show an this article at 11.9% reduction in applications from felixonline.co.uk FELIX Friday 28 october 2011 5 NEWS CGCU Dinner brings in the engineers Students turn out in force to celebrate start of term at Café de Paris

Alexander Karapetian Alexander Karapetian

The City & Guilds College Union (CGCU) held their Welcome Dinner event along with an afterparty, on Tuesday 25 October at Café De Paris, marking their fl agship event. The party attracted over 600 stu- dents, testing the 700 capacity of Café De Paris, with a three course dinner starting from 7:30pm. Dinner tickets sold out before term began but afterparty tickets continued to be sold CGCU President Jacky Kwan (centre) takes to the stage to engineer the night’s proceedings on the door. The CGCU President, Jacky Kwan, gave a traditional “Boomalaka” rally along with a short speech. The event alumni and head of the Faculty of Engi- to report a long-anticipated upward trend in being applied. One fi rst year Aeronautics stu- tial amount of students benefi tted from it”. lasted until 3am, seeing attendees from var- neering Jeff Magee, who gave a speech activity, interest and organisation following dent commented to Felix on the event noting, Jacky Kwan said on behalf of his commit- ious disciplines within the Engineering fac- which included comments on Imperial’s the various instabilities seen over the last “it was great fun and I met some amazing tee that they are “extremely pleased with ulty and beyond. Felix covered the event’s decline in the National Student Survey due two years. people”. Others noted that the drinks prices the tremendous turnout”, thanking them photography, which can be seen on the to student satisfaction levels. The event’s The event carried an overall sense of ela- were rather steep. for putting in “so much hard work in or- CGCU’s recently created Facebook page. substantial success was largely set in mo- tion for freshers giving an opportunity to CGCU Chair James Fan was pleased ganising this spectacular event”, adding Attendees included former CGCU presi- tion by Jacky Kwan and his committee, mingle in the context of a formal dinner with the turnout, mentioning “the faculty that he is “proud to lead the CGCU in this dent He-in Cheong, various engineering being important for the CGCU as it begins with traditions such as the “Queen’s Rules” grant was well spent” and that a “substan- success”.

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James Cronshaw ’m standing on a windswept airfi eld some of the most competitive in the busi- somewhere in Cambridgeshire. In ness. So how do you become a Formula 1 the distance there’s the scream of engineer, and what’s it like? a V8. A black silhouette of a car To fi nd out the answers I’ve got an inter- is racing at great speed down the view with an engineer. The test today is an runway.I Behind me a radio crackles and aerodynamic one so it only makes sense to the car turns off the runway, heading to chat to someone from aerodynamics, pref- where I’m standing, engine warbling at erably with an Imperial connection. Dirk each downshift. DeBeer is head of aerodynamics at Lo- Now the noise is even louder, people tus Renault GP and Imperial Aeronautics around me have fi ngers in their ears. Ear- alumni. That should suffi ce. Here’s what plugs are a must here. The driver pulls up he had to say... and kills the engine. Immediately a half dozen men rush over with modifi ed leaf How did you get into engineering and blowers to stop the brakes catching fi re. Formula 1? They push the car back into a large gazebo they’ve erected for the test as a temporary I was always interested in motor racing garage. – my father was keen on it and took me Inside there are more men with laptops, to Grand Prix. That’s how I got a love for a myriad of cables, a heap of tyres and an Formula 1. I’ve always been interested in array of bodywork. There’s even a spare aerodynamics, so the two go together. I engine tucked away in the corner. Geoff, was always very keen - I did my home- the race team coordinator who is showing work and found out what the possibilities me around, explains that on test days like today they only bring the bare minimum required. Just behind me are two motor It’s just like that fi lm where Sylvester Stallone is a racing driver, except it’s really, really not homes, fi lled with more equipment, and a “It’s essentially a war small fl eet of cars. Welcome to the world of Formula 1. between us and the perial student intereseted in getting into PhDs as much. GP as Head of Aerodynamics? As the Today Lotus Renault GP are testing F1 engineering? Head of Department is the work more their 2011 car. The driver climbs out of other teams.” What was your career path? managerial? the cockpit: it’s Roman Grosjean. I smile When I joined, the motor racing was a lot politely at him. He doesn’t notice me. smaller, it was more basic, it was only in- Mine was rather tortuous and probably I generally don’t go to race weekends; Never mind, because today I’m here to were and results said Imperial College. At dividuals that were very keen. At that stage not a typical one. While I was at Imperial there is an aerodynamic presence at the get to know another part of the team that that stage IC was very involved in Formu- we even had F1 teams testing at Imperial I was the research assistant for the Honda track of course, but I have to make deci- receives much less media coverage: the la 1 aerodynamics, so I decided to go to College. You could get involved with that team’s tunnel and got a lot of contacts in sions on which direction to take the team. engineers. These are the people that make Imperial and got involved with the motor sort of thing. That has now changed ob- Formula 1 and motor racing. I’m origi- There is obviously the reality as you get a team as fast as they are. Engineers for racing society there, which was with Prof. viously. To get into Formula 1 you have nally South African, I left South Africa to certain levels there are more and more any team are expected to work evenings, John Harvey and Peter Beerman. to excel in your degree; in fact, nowadays because of the Apartheid. At the end of managerial aspects which you can’t es- weekends and are away from home most most people have PhDs for aerodynamics Apartheid I went back to South Africa, cape. The reality of being in charge of a of the year, and yet the jobs are amongst What advice would you give to an Im- in Formula 1. Other areas don’t require spent a while there and eventually decided group of people is that there’s quite a lot I’d had enough there and wanted to get of management to be done. James Cronshaw back into motor racing. I joined a team in America where I had some contacts. Swift Is there a normal day in the offi ce as Engineering - they did Indy racing. Head of Aerodynamics? Then there was a fall out between the car manufacturer and the team running Not really, there are certain meetings and the car. The manufacturer (who was head discussions, for example, the strategic di- of aero while I was there) left and I ended rection and stuff like that. These are things up being the Head of Aerodynamics. So I that are ongoing. There are discussions was thrown in at the deep end really, and it that are important: like the results from was an unusual situation to be in. the previous day’s test. There’s certain I stayed there until Swift decided to pull standard events. We have tunnels running out of Indy racing and make Formula At- 24/7, gathering an enormous amount of lantic cars, which I wasn’t really into. I data so quite a lot of time is spent actu- was approached by Sauber in Switzerland ally trying to get the best conclusions out who were busy building a new wind tun- of the data. nel. They asked if I was prepared to come over and oversee the wind tunnel project, Lotus Renault GP had a superb start so I became the principal aerodynamicist to the season, but it’s not been going so at Sauber. I did that, but then BMW took well of late. How does the team’s per- over and I didn’t really like that so I de- formance affect you? Is that part of the cided to see what other possibilities there job? were. I moved to Renault in 2008, but not as Head as Aero, I become Head after the That is the reality of it. You’re compet- then Head got very ill. ing with a lot of other teams that have extremely smart people as well. Things Six men. One car. No mercy. Or something. What is your role within Lotus Renault don’t always go into place quite as you FELIX Friday 28 october 2011 7 FEATURE

James Cronshaw hoped they would. No, not really – all Formula 1 teams are You see very quickly if it works. It’s We made a decision to go for an unusual competitive but that’s just the nature of essentially a war between us and the confi guration exhaust. You can’t copy it. other teams trying to come up with the what other people are doing and there- cleverest idea. You have to be innova- fore development is a bit more diffi cult, Is there any internal competitiveness tive. To get ahead you have to have a but when it works it is very rewarding. to get positions? good idea like the forward exhausts. The down side of the job is that you see every What’s it like working for Lotus Re- There is a bit of that. I think that any- weekend if it doesn’t work. So the pres- nault GP? where you go in motor racing there is sure’s enormous. competition. Ultimately the people you It’s obviously not the biggest team, and are working with are driven; if they I thank Dirk for his time and we head therefore there is a slight frustration in weren’t driven they wouldn’t be there. out of the motorhome and back to the that you feel you can’t compete on a lev- The reality is people are competitive. car. During the interview a couple more el playing fi eld. It is a very friendly com- runs had been done and the mechanics pany – that’s defi nitely a positive. It is a What’s the best and worst part of the were scurrying around the car changing team where there’s not a lot of politics job? bodywork. Engineers are poring over – it’s actually very friendly and people the latest set of data. I stick around with don’t have chips on their shoulders. Geoff’s consent and watch the rest of the “The reality is, peo- day unfold. So you would say it’s not an overly Nothing seems too rushed or panicked. competitive atmosphere? ple are competitive.” This is a stark contrast to race weekends, maybe it’s because they’ve spent weeks planning this day in every detail. I have I think the best part of the job is that it’s remind myself that unlike the driver, incredibly creative and you have the op- the engineers and mechanics I’m see- portunity very quickly to see your cre- ing working on the car here are the very ativity on the race track. same that are seen on the television ev- In contrast working in aerospace, I’ve ery other Sunday. It’s getting late so I spent some time in aerospace, you spend start to head home, in the distance I can years working on a project, you spend hear that V8 scream again. The sound of months and months looking at the data three hundred brake horsepower per litre and years waiting for it to make it into of displacement. The sound of Formula production. In F1 if we fi nd something 1. which is relatively easy to make on Monday, it can be on the car for the race With thanks to Geoff Simmonds, Dirk Dirk DeBeer surveys the action weekend. DeBeer and Lotus Renault GP. Roman Grosjean shows off his exceptional helmet hair 8 Friday 28 october 2011 FELIX Science Editors: K e l l y O a k e s Alexander Karapetian SCIENCE [email protected] In brief Doggone drunks Secondary forests not as good as Douglas Heaven the original investigates claims that alcohol does not affect behaviour

When it comes to biodiversity, there is no substitute espite the millions it spends on for ancient tropical forests, scientists have found. cultivating an image of arch so- Forests that are regenerated following a severe phistication, Stella isn’t likely devastation such as fi re or harvesting, known as to shrug off its “wife-beater” secondary forests, are no match for their ancient epithet anytime soon — and counterparts. As a consequence of their great age, Despecially not now it’s become the tipple of ancient/primary tropical forests have unique eco- choice for tosspot terriers. But the story of a logical features that secondary forests simply can- Staffordshire Bull Terrier attacking a child af- not replicate in a shorter space of time. ter someone poured Stella down its throat isn’t A meta-analysis of biodiversity in forests where the only piece about alcohol abuse that stood changes in land use had taken place showed biodi- out recently. versity dropped in all situations except for selective A couple of weeks ago, the online BBC logging. The results were published in Nature last News Magazine ran an opinion piece: “Is the week. DOI:10.1038/nature10425 alcohol message all wrong?” written by Kate Fox, co-director of the Social Issues Research Centre (SIRC), a not-for-profi t organisation based in Oxford that researches and monitors social and cultural trends. SIRC conducts most of its research by reviewing social-anthropo- logical studies. In the BBC article, Fox seeks to put paid to “bizarre beliefs and weird cus- toms” such as the notion that “heavy drinking causes promiscuity, violence and anti-social behaviour”. A key claim is that “[t]he effects of alcohol on behaviour are determined by cul- tural rules and norms, not by the chemical ac- tions of ethanol”. Ancient forests preserve biodiversity Now, I’m no expert on alcohol — not sci- entifi cally speaking — but that sounds a bit odd to me. Having only just escaped the death penalty with a plea of diminished responsibil- It might be “bizarre beliefs” that make you act like an idiot, not all that alcohol... ity, I’m not sure that the dog would be not too Bio-logic gates pleased with the suggestion either. Looking for a second opinion, I contacted Dr. Robert slide) and presciently asked, “how seriously But on the question of how SIRC maintained Scientists at Imperial have made bacteria and DNA Patton of King’s College London, who is the should journalists take an attack from an or- independence in its research, Marsh was very into logic gates. They are the most advanced biologi- Health Services Research Coordinator for the ganisation that is so closely linked to the drinks keen to establish that the centre hasn’t done cal logic gates every made. Logic gates are used for South London and Maudsley NHS Trust Ad- industry? If, for example, the centre attacked work for the drinks industry for several years, processing information in digital devices and are a dictions Division, and who worked for the newspapers for exaggerating the effects of and that the last commission in this area “in a fundamental part of silicon circuitry. Without them, Home Offi ce Drugs Prevention Initiative as a alcohol and thereby causing an unnecessary 5 year timeframe” was for Greene King on the the digital devices we rely on today would not exist. consultant in the 1990s. scare, could the centre put its hand on its heart role of the pub in the local community. That The scientists made an “AND” gate out of the gut “I had seen that article and did raise an eye- and claim that it was totally neutral on the is- said, he also told me that Fox’s recent opinion bacteria E.Coli and were able to combine it with a brow at those comments”, Patton said. I asked sue?” piece is based on work begun 15 years ago. “NOT” gate to make a more complex “NAND” gate. him about the idea that changes in behaviour But what of Fox’s assertion about the They published their results in Nature Communica- were caused by cultural norms rather than chemical effects of ethanol – or lack of them? tions last week. DOI:10.1038/ncomms1516 chemicals. “While it is true to say that there is “While an expectation Isn’t it dangerously misleading to suggest that an expectation of the effect of alcohol that does drunken behaviour is simply a cultural norm to an extent modify behaviour”, he said, “the of the effect of alcohol that people conform to? “Except it happens to fact is that alcohol is a drug that does infl uence be true”, Marsh said, reiterating Fox’s obser- behavior in many ways, particularly those con- does to an extent modify vations, “in this country we expect [alcohol] cerned with impulsivity (and restraint), aggres- to make us aggressive ... You don’t get that in sion and coordination”. behavior, the fact is that many other countries”. According to Marsh, Even judging by the comments Fox’s article “The only common chemical action is to received – over 1000 in half a day, many of alcohol is a drug that make people go to sleep ... the idea somehow them removed by moderators – SIRC’s posi- that just consuming alcohol compels people tion seems to be somewhat controversial. Help- does infl uence behaviour to go and beat people up is not supported, fully, one of the commenters linked to a Brit- certainly by our reading of the cross-cultural ish Medical Journal editorial from way back in many ways” evidence”. E.Coli — not just for food poisoning in 1999 that expressed concern about SIRC’s Whether or not SIRC have confl icts of inter- close connections with MCM Research, a est, it seems irresponsibly unscientifi c to draw “commercial market research company” with Keen to get a clearer idea of where the or- such stark conclusions about the chemical ef- several drinks companies as clients, includ- ganisation was coming from, and whether the fects of alcohol solely from anthropological ing The Amsterdam Group, which numbers BMJ’s concerns were still appropriate today, I evidence. SIRC’s overall position – that cul- Correction Bacardi-Martini, Bass Brewers, Carlsberg, spoke to Peter Marsh, SIRC’s other co-direc- tural aspects of alcohol abuse need address- Last week Farhan Abdullah should have been cred- Guinness, and Heineken among its members. tor. Marsh told me that MCM Research was ing – is uncontroversial. The UK certainly ited as the author of the article “Sleep deprived The BMJ also discussed SIRC’s criticism at “not actually trading in its own right very much has a problem with alcohol and fresh ideas doctors fi nd potential cure”. I unreservedly apolo- the time of the media’s role in health scares these days” but that the work now goes through are needed, but a debate that begins with an gise for this error – The Editor (SIRC also apparently coined the word “risk- SIRC. SIRC’s website states that it is now the equivocation over what it is to be drunk in the factorphobia” back then, but we’ll let that host for reports and materials of both groups. fi rst place is not the way to go. FELIX Friday 28 october 2011 9 SCIENCE Through the language glass The Life Scientifi c ‘The Life Scientifi c’ is a new radio se- ries currently being broadcast on BBC Rory Fenton stone who noticed something peculiar Radio 4. Each week Jim Al-Khalili, about ancient Greek poems — they al- physicist and science communicator, Could the language you speak affect ways called the sea “black”. That this interviews a different leading scientist, how you think? The idea has long been happened without fail made it much asking about their work, their life, and shunned by academics as a relic of an more than poetic imagery — there sim- what motivates and inspires them. imperialist, racist past when non- Euro- ply wasn’t a word in ancient Greek for The fi rst scientist in the hot-seat was peans were deemed damned to low level the colour blue. It was later discovered Paul Nurse, a Nobel Prize-winning ge- thought by their “unsophisticated” lan- that many tribal language still don’t neticist and current President of the guages. But not all who have held this have words for certain colours, the rea- Royal Society. Nurse has had a rather view have been racist — haven’t we all son being that, as with the Greeks, with- extraordinary life for a scientist, from at times thought something along these out artifi cial dyes there simply wasn’t his initial failure to gain a place at uni- lines? Perhaps the strict order of Ger- any need for these words. versity, to his revelation only a few man has something to do the country’s While it may seem strange to us that years ago that his sister was in fact his many famous philosophers and scien- someone might see blue as just an- mother, and Al-Khalili adeptly makes tists? And surely the lack of a future other shade of green, say, the English Ancient Greeks called the sea “black” because they had no word for blue use of these events in the interview. tense, as in some languages, must affect word “blue” seems equally strange to xxx However, it’s the detail with which their view of the time? a Russian, who uses separate words to Nurse describes his own research, in- In his 2011 book ‘Through the Lan- describe light, sky blue and dark navy your right shoe will always be on your sociate human gender stereotypes with cluding a rather poignant story of him guage Glass’, linguist Guy Deutscher blue. But surely we still see the same right foot, but to some Australian Abo- those words. So when French speakers completely botching his third year de- addresses these issues head on. And colours? Incredibly, no. rigines you could wear a shoe on your are asked to choose from a list of words gree project because of the thermostat in while he dismisses dinner table gener- It turns out that when your language North foot and turn around to fi nd it to describe a bed, they choose mascu- the water bath, where I think the show alisations about German (really quite an provides a separate word for a colour, it on your South foot. The fact that their line stereotypes like “strong” whereas comes into its own. For Nurse, and Al- erratic language) and future tenses (“I seems further away from other colours language sees these as different setups Spaniards will chose feminine stereo- Khalili too in fact, for once don’t seem am going to leave next week” makes than if the two were linguistically on the means that their concept of which two types such as “delicate”. Incredibly, frightened at the prospect of the show perfect sense and yet has no future same spectrum. So Russians don’t just situations are the same is quite different they make these associations even when becoming, too scientifi c, too technical, tense), he points to convincing evi- see the different shades of blue, they re- to those of us with ego- centric languag- speaking in English — their mother too niche, and instead talk in real terms dence that yes, the language you speak ally do seem like fundamentally differ- es. A mirror image may not feel like a tongue has “tainted” them. about things that are actually interest- does change how you view the world, ent colours, unlike to a native English mirror image. In this short, entertaining and highly ing. To some of us, anyway. although perhaps more subtly than we speaker, and they exaggerate the differ- The effect of language on how we per- readable book, Deutscher delves into all Next up was Steven Pinker, a science might think. The infl uence has been ence between them when shown a col- ceive gender is especially interesting to of these areas, concluding that people writer and Professor of Psychology at shown in three areas- our perception of our chart. This is entirely psychological, us Anglophones who aren’t used to in- who speak different languages really Harvard University. Here, Al-Khalili colour, space and gender. of course, but entirely measurable too. animate objects having a gender, as they do have a different perspective on the takes the listener similarly deeply into Russian eyes and British eyes can see Language also effects how you orien- do in French and Spanish. It turns out world, albeit subtly different. But most his interviewee’s area of research, and just as well as each other — so how on tate yourself. While most languages use that although the allocation of gender to exciting is that so many of these revela- this time the show benefi ts from it even earth could they perceive colour differ- ego centric coordinates (in front of, be- a particular noun is random and varies tions have been made in recent decades- more. Together they discuss matters as ently? The question of colour and lan- hind, left, right), some use the cardinal between languages (“bed” is feminine with advances in brain scanning tech- important and controversial as human guage was started by the 19th Century coordinates of North, South East and in Spanish — la cama – and masculine niques – the real treasures of linguistics capacity for violence, and the meaning British Prime Minister William Glad- West in everyday language. In English in French — le lit); speakers actually as- may be just on the horizon. of life without a ‘soul’, and Pinker is characteristically unafraid to say what he thinks. Yet despite even being played audio footage of a rival openly criticis- ing him, as well as Al-Khalili’s own gently probing questions, Pinker re- Study links Facebook friends with brain regions mains unprovoked, and this lack of ten- sion makes for a much better interview. Alex Karapetian actively used Facebook and performed net is changing our brains”. University of Oxford noted the fi nd- Pinker also comes across as genu- the study taking into account the size of Facebook is the world’s most popular ings were intriguing but emphasised inely passionate about the fundamental A study by UCL researchers suggests their real-world and online friend net- social networking site with over 800 that adding a large amount of Facebook concepts of science. He’s keen to em- that the size of certain brain regions in an works. A strong link was found between million global active users. The study friends would not constitute a short cut phasize the importance of a good ex- individual may be linked to their num- the number of Facebook friends an indi- also looked at how many real-world to making people brainier. She added periment, and of removing the bias that ber of Facebook friends. The research- vidual had and the amount of grey mat- friends an individual had compared to the critique that “the number of Face- society inevitably stamps on any results, ers found a strong correlation between ter in the aforementioned parts of their their Facebook friends, and showed book friends you have [may be] more and he’s obviously inherently a scientif- the number of friends and the amount brain. The fi ndings were replicated in a a positive correlation in that respect. strongly related to how much time you ic thinker. Often he discusses aspects of of grey matter in regions including the group of another 40 students and were It involved asking participants ques- spend on the internet, how old you are, his work, or science in general, unpro- amygdala, the right superior temporal later published in the journal Proceed- tions such as “how many friends are or what mobile phone you have”, con- voked by Al-Khalili, and it’s refreshing sulcus, left middle temporal gyrus and ings of the Royal Society B. in your phonebook?”, “how many cluding that “the study cannot tell us to hear someone talk so eloquently and the right entorhinal cortex. The three lat- The researchers emphasise that this people would you invite to a party?”, whether using the internet is good or warmly about ideas that few people out- ter regions were not, however, correlated does not represent a causal link and it “how many friends have you kept from bad for our brains”. side the scientifi c community recognise to real-world friend networks. is not possible to determine from the school and university?” and “how The Wellcome Trust Centre for Neu- as important. These regions of the brain are associ- study whether maintaining more Face- many friends do you have on Face- roimaging seeks to understand the brain There are more great names on the ated with memory processing, emotion- book friends results in greater volumes book?”, allowing for an estimation of in greater detail, with scientists study- way for the series, including astronomer al responses and perception, notably in of grey matter or individuals that have social network sizes. ing higher cognitive function in order Jocelyn Bell-Burnell, who discovered identifying objects as biological. A pre- larger brain regions are hard-wired to The fi ndings support the idea that to identify how thought and perception pulsars yet famously didn’t win the No- vious study suggested that the volume have more friends. Professor Rees said “most Facebook users use the site to arise from brain activity. Dr John Wil- bel Prize, and Michael Marmot, a doctor of grey matter in the amygdala is larger that “online social networks are mas- support their existing social relation- liams, head of Neuroscience and Men- who conducted some ground-breaking in people with greater real-world friend sively infl uential, yet we understand ships, maintaining or reinforcing these tal Health at the Wellcome Trust said research on the relationship between networks. This study suggests the same very little about the impact they have friendships, rather than just creating net- “we cannot escape the ubiquity of the life expectancy and social status. So is true when referring to online friends. on our brains”. Dr Ryota Kanai, the fi rst works of entirely new, virtual friends”, internet and its impact on our lives, yet why not have a listen? BBC Radio 4, Professor Geraint Rees, a Wellcome author of the study added “the exciting Professor Rees added. Students on aver- we understand little of its impact on the 9am on Tuesdays, and you can iPlayer Trust Senior Clinical Research Fellow question now is whether these structures age had around 300 Facebook friends, brain, which we know is plastic and can the previous ones too. Great stuff to knit at UCL looked at MRI scans of the change over time. This will help us an- ranging from 150 to 1,000. change over time”. to, if you’re so inclined... brains of 125 university students who swer the question of whether the inter- Dr Heidi Johansen-Berg from the DOI: 10.1098/rspb.2011.1959 Arianna Sorba 10 Friday 28 october 2011 FELIX Technology Editors: Chris Bowers Feroz Salam TECHNOLOGY [email protected] Competition Corner A Tech Show comes to town

Bought a shiny new smartphone but forgot to bud- get for any credit? Never fear, as Vizz Africa have Chris Bowers promised to give some lucky people pre-paid SIM cards, so you can make good use of your new gad- Last weekend, the first annual London Inter- get. While the new network may have a focus on national Technology Show came to ExCeL very reasonable rates to call Africa (1p per minute London. With some big names in the line-up to a landline in South Africa!), the costs for calling and bargain-price tickets, we decided to take within the UK are pretty good too, costing only 4p a look at what the latest technology exhibitors per minute for a landline call, or 9p per minute had to offer. to another mobile. So that credit is going to last The spread of companies represented was you a while. quite wide, ranging from online systems builders and sellers such as Scan Computers But enough fi gures, here’s how you can win: and Overclockers UK to software companies including Parallels, and even some maga- zines came along, for example Micro Mart welcoming visitors into a shed built for the occasion… All-in-all, it was set to be an in- teresting day. First impressions however, were not quite what was expected. To one side was a Rock Band 3 playing area, and the other side host- Finally, the perfect place to hide my cans of Strongbow ed a driving simulator running on three 3D monitors which you had to sit in a hydraulic chair to see. In front there were a few ma- ing its own waterfall of cooled water cascad- round the Top Gear Test Track with The Stig chines playing the Battlefield 3 campaign. As ing into a pool at the bottom. If cooling is driving. it turns out, this was not just bad planning, your thing though, the liquid-nitrogen over- Overall, as an “International Technology and was quite representative of the exhibition clocking session later in the day would have Show”, I have to say it was quite disappoint- as a whole. Gaming featured fairly heavily, been right up your street. ing, and did not meet with expectations. On as did 3D displays, and it was rare to come At the other end of the spectrum, if high- the other hand, as an event at which to play across demonstration computers set up with end PCs don’t float your boat, there were old some new games – including some on PCs only a single monitor. arcade games available to play for free in au- you probably cannot afford – and see smatter- of calls, texts and internet Slightly further in though, things started to thentic cases, and even demonstrations of a ings of new-ish technologies, it was not a bad align more with our expectations, with the tiny remote control helicopter that seemed to day out. There could have been more exhibi- access for your phone Asus stand showing off some powerful ma- be indestructible. At least, it suffered no dam- tors, and it could have been more focused on chines in interesting builds. The centrepiece age from its several impacts with the ground new technologies, but it was their first year, here was an Intel hex-core i7 based setup from near the high ceilings of the room. and I reckon it will definitely be worth a look in a custom transparent case, with two side Other things to see and try included full when it returns next October. And hey, with For your chance to win a SIM card with £100 worth compartments for water-cooling. This was 3D home cinema setups from Samsung, high free pens and a free copy of a magazine that of credit, simply email competition@vizzafrica. definitely the most interesting cooling setup quality headphones and a Top Gear simula- would normally cost more than the ticket, co.uk with the answer to the following question: I have ever seen, with each compartment hav- tor, in which you would be taken in a lap where can you go wrong?

What was the title of Dappy’s recent Number One hit? A. No Return B. No Regrets C. No Reply Snacks now, world domination later The first 25 runners up will also receive a SIM card with £20 worth of credit. Feroz Salam The winner drawn out of the hat will be announced in the next issue of Felix and online at www.viz- Over the last two decades, we have more or zafrica.co.uk/result. less come to accept the presence of robots in our lives. They make our cars and process our Competition closes Wednesday 2nd November foods - our manufacturing industry would not 2011 be anywhere near the same without them. For full terms and conditions see http://vizzafrica. The robots of today, however, are a far cry co.uk/about_termandCondition.php from the imagined robots of science fiction — the problem is how to integrate an artificial intellience into a robust humanoid shape that can process and interact with the world around them. Scientists from Munich and Tokyo have been working together to solve this problem, and recently released a video of their test pro- totype, PR2, fetching them a sandwich. What is remarkable about this is that PR2 Behold – WALL·E’s demented and less animated cousin, PR2 did not know very much about sandwiches when he went on his quest — he started off by looking in the kitchen fridge, and not finding corridors of a university campus. relations between the things he sees in the anything matching the description there, he de- There is unfortunately little detail on how world. For example, seeing cups in the kitch- cided that Subway would be the best place to much PR2 was figuring out for himself and en would cause him to look in the kitchen if find one. Ordering the sandwich, picking it up how much was preprogrammed. The core asked for one. To watch PR2’s jaunt into the and heading back home, he proves more than of his abilities is built around a ‘semantic great unknown, take a look at http://bit.ly/ a little versatile at navigating the treacherous search’ engine, which allows him to build niBDyY. FELIX FRIDAY 28 October 2011 11

Politics Editors: R a j a t J a i n Joseph Letts [email protected] POLITICS 7 Billion? That’s Numberwang! Rory Fenton argues that population growth isn’t a priority

his Tuesday, the UN is ex- over here. pected to name a child, Lifestyles somewhere in the world, as in the the planet’s seven billionth developing living resident. The news world are Thas been greeted with alacrity by much Century anti increasing of the same planet’s media, most notably population CO2 output The Guardian, which ran articles such as movement in spite of “Why current population growth is cost- reached afford more children, they declining fertility. ing the Earth”. The idea that population its zenith in in general choose to Population just growth is spelling doom for us all is as 1968 with the have fewer. Better job is not the major issue popular as it is old. It is just as wrong. publication of opportunities cause unless we have a The obsession with population Paul Ehrlich’s ‘The people to focus more population boom in found its most popular spokesperson Population Bomb’. The on their careers disproved, the West. in the form of Rev. Thomas Robert book brought home to non- and lower rates many modern Malthus who, in the late 18th Century, academic readers the potential of child mortality environmentalists argued that if the poor of the world horrors of overpopulation with mean fewer point to Malthusianism kept reproducing at a high rate (the the prediction that hundreds of children need be in a new form – poorest tend to have the highest birth millions of people in developing born in the fi rst global warming. This rates) then the only possible result in a countries would perish to hunger place. The average The increased is a world of limited resources will be mass in the coming decades. Its front cover world birth rate emission of CO2 statistic starvation. It was in part due to such proclaimed, “While you are reading declined from 5.3 births that growing population every ideas that the Irish famine was allowed these words four people will have died per woman in 1960 to creates is endangering the very to run its terrible course. There is some from hunger”. 3.0 in 2006. It is true that these people who, by being born, create it. population worried evidence to suggest that nature provides Those decades have passed and are just averages and some regions This was certainly the message of The person should mass population reduction as a way of 2.8 billion extra people now walk this have gotten signifi cantly worse. Guardian’s articles: more people = be made aware of: doubling benefi ting those left behind: incomes Earth, an increase greater than that But, these are countries such as more warming. the incomes of the world’s poorest rose signifi cantly in Britain following the anticipated by Ehrlich. The result? In North Korea, Somalia and Zimbabwe Nonsense. 650 million people would take the devastation of the Black Death, which the last 50 years, world population may where it is clearly due to political More consumption = more warming, same resources as less than 1% of left one person in three dead. have doubled but agricultural production circumstances, not population. The regardless of the number of people. the incomes of the world’s richest World population has skyrocketed tripled. Daily food supply per person data paints a clear picture – increasing I fail to see how a moral person can 650 million. Resources mean carbon. since the days of the Plague and Famine, has increased by around 25%. But the global population is not leaving people worry about the existence of a child in Concerned about global warming? leading academics to postulate that the news is even more positive: population worse off and is anyway reaching a large family in rural Africa who burns Great, hand out condoms to bankers, next Big Disaster could well eclipse growth is beginning to tail off. As people equilibrium, not exploding. a little wood for cooking while we not Bangladeshis. It’s time to put the all those that went before it. The 20th get richer, despite being more able to But while Ehrlich’s theory seems enjoy CO2 intensive Western lifestyles population myth to rest. Is Democracy the best policy?

Jakov Marelic and disease still kill millions every year. the ballot.” usually dictatorial not democratic: the should”. It is not hard to imagine what Now, all this is surely uncontrover- The danger democracy poses has army, the navy, the church, the business kind of morally-sound decisions Abdur- Many people have argued that democ- sial and few people today would argue been expressed by the right-wing econ- fi rm and the patriarchal family. Raheem is thinking of. racy is actually one of the most radical democracy is a bad thing. But it is in- omist Milton Friedman when talking Religious groups have also been A (thankfully anonymous) Catholic ideas in political history. To treat people teresting to see which groups oppose it about the relations between political known to oppose democracy. In their author wrote on a recent Felixonline as equals with equal votes sits well with and what their motives are. freedom of voting and economic free- worldview, just as there are laws of comment about their church’s position most people today. We can also see the Libertarians, anarcho-capitalists and dom of the market. He writes: “while nature like gravity which are true on various moral issues: “These things effects of ideas like these in the West others from the extreme political right economic freedom facilitates political throughout the entire universe, there are aren’t like government policy, open for in the last 300 years or so with mass are some of the most powerful and freedom, political freedom, once estab- universal moral laws. These absolute debate and consultation to be brought education, rising standards of living, well-funded opponents. lished, has a tendency to destroy eco- moral laws have been passed to us by into line with popular public opinnion. and the abolition of slavery, infanticide, This is unsurprising. These groups of- nomic freedom.” the supernatural creator of the universe. [sic] These are tennets that have been child labour, serfdom and feudalism. ten argue that poor people are to blame Democracy is thus absurd because we handed down and safeguarded for over There has also been greatly reduced for their own poverty. So the values of do not need to make laws by fi nding a two millenia [sic] and frankly that isn’t infant mortality, religious persecution, democracy which say all people, rich or “...the human race is consensus of the people, we just need to going to change any time soon.” racism, misogyny, superstition and war. poor, are equal are abhorrent to them. not out of the woods read holy scripture. Although having said this, many re- The few wars that do occur tend to be The socialist Tony Benn summarises Abdur-Raheem Green, a fundamen- ligious people support democracy and tremendously more violent, but it is it as, “Before we had the vote, all the yet” talist Islamic preacher, is worth quot- in fact Christian socialists in the UK also a long-term trend that they are get- power was in the hands of rich people, ing at length on this. “One of the major were part of the popular front winning ting rarer. if you had money you could get health- problems [with democracy] was that these rights in the fi rst place. We must Of course, the human race is not out care, education and look after yourself Unsurprisingly, people tend to vote the leader would always have to pam- not forget that followers of religion are of the woods yet. Over-population, cli- when you were old. What democracy for things that will benefi t them i.e. not per to the desires and whims of the peo- people too; they also want a happy, mate change, epidemics and nuclear did was to give the poor the vote and unfettered markets. ple in order to gain their support, thus healthy, prosperous life and to be mas- war are serious threats to civilisation it moved power from the marketplace It is interesting to see many of the in- a leader would not be able to take the ters of their own destiny just like every- which may ‘do us in’ yet. Starvation to the polling station, from the wallet to stitutions that conservatives favour are morally sound decisions that a leader one else. 12 Friday 28 October 2011 FELIX Business Editors: Nina Kearsey B e ñ a t G u r r u t x a g a - L e r m a BUSINESS [email protected] How Apple’s iPhone stands in the current market, or: ‘How we Apples swim’

Shiang-Jin Chin flickr/Anthony Dunn Photography

Just before the BlackBerry service collapse on October 10, the analyst fi rm Enterprise Man- agement Associates conducted extensive re- search regarding the trend in enterprise mobile device management. This research concluded that more than 30% of BlackBerry users from within large enterprises are expected to move to different platforms within a year as a result of poor user satisfaction. Despite the growing popularity of the device in UK teenage market (largely due to the success of the BlackBerry Messenger application, BBM, which allows users to avoid instant messaging costs), the re- cent BlackBerry “black out” will likely acceler- ate the decline of Research in Motion’s (RIM, Letter from the Editors the maker of the BlackBerry device) market share at enterprise level. The question is, can Apple’s iPhone and iOS platform can now take The death of Steve Jobs on October 5th prompted over BlackBerry’s piece of the marketplace a tide of eulogies and dyslogies from journalists, following the death of its founder Steve Jobs, commentators and techies alike, not least from or will it instead follow Blackberry’s footsteps the pages of Felix. Rather than continue in this towards decline? vein, and pass comment on the debates around Recent statistics from Kantar Worldpanel ethics and personal drive that took Jobs from or- ComTech news on smartphone operating phaned boy to CEO of one of the largest compa- systems’ market share has shown that while nies in the world, in this edition we look objectively Nokia’s Symbian platform and RIM’s market Sized apples move through an apple packing plant at one of the California Apple at Jobs’ managerial style, and prompt questions share in major countries are declining, Apple’s Commision’s factories during the annual Gala and Fuji apple harvest about the future of his company, focussing spe- iOS has failed to grasp the opportunity to ex- cifi cally on the iPhone and its place in the smart- pand. In fact, iOS have only made signifi cant phone market following the recent BlackBerry out- gains in US market share, while their market showed that developers are shying away from ucts. Their rigid combination of the iPhone age and dip in RIM shares. share in UK, Japan, Germany and France has Android, viewing the platform as still too frag- hardware and iOS software ensures those qual- As companies such as Apple take to outsourc- dropped drastically. Conversely, the competing mented, and seeking more reliable profi ts in ities of performance, ease of use, and physical ing their manufacturing, a jobs and industry void Android operating system has outperformed the Apple market place. Statistics from Furry design, that result in such high approval ratings is being created in the US. While Apple practises Apple iOS in every market, with Samsung, confi rmed the view, in which out of 10,200 ap- with their users. These features, complemented outsourcing – even endorses it with the slogan: HTC, Nokia and Motorola as key players com- plication projects developed in the 2nd quarter by a dominating and domineering App Store, “Designed by Apple in California – Assembled in peting with iPhone for the smartphone market. (Q2) of 2011, 72% were for Apple iOS while which necessitates that all applications gain China” – its strength as an American innovator, as only 28% were for Android, indicating more Apple approval before they are listed to buy, exemplifi ed by Jobs, may well prove to be a saving development will take place on the iOS plat- are the reasons behind why, according to Hor- industry in its own right. “Apple still manages form. ace Dediu from Asymco, though Apple shipped Though the US has seen off its recession it still Apple dominates, too, in user satisfaction. only 5.6% of mobile phone units in the Q2 of suffers from a lack of growth. Still, the power of to rake in a high profi t A recent survey by J.D. Power and Associates 2011 that their share of Global Mobile market innovation and technology has been recognised ranked Apple above every other smartphone profi t was about 66%. historically as a large contributor to productiv- margin from their manufacturer in customer satisfaction, scoring Apple’s lost ground is therefore likely to be a ity growth in the US. It was American economist highly in key areas of performance, ease of op- result of their failure to attract new customers. and Nobel Laureate Robert Solow who fi rst drew products” eration, features and physical design. A loyal Their much anticipated iPhone 5 release earlier the distinction between economic growth by in- fanbase is critical to Apple’s continuing suc- this month is a prime example of the kind of creased labour and capital from that built on tech- cess – as suggested by the Worldpanel report, failure that could see Apple fall lower in this nical progress. However, despite demonstrating Still, Apple maintains its dominance in the both Apple and Android’s users are loyal when area of the market: the presentation of a merely the importance of innovation, a common critisism mobile application store market. Figures from choosing upgrades, due partly to their invest- upgraded iPhone 4S did nothing to excite the of Solow’s work is its failure to account for the rea- 2010 show the Apple App Store generated ments in mobile applications. non-initiate. The ultimate fate of iPhone and sons behind technological growth, i.e. the role of $1.8bn in revenue that year - 82.7% of the With an increasing number of companies iOS depends on Apple’s ability to entice new entrepreneurs. Making such an acknowledgement total market. Though the competing Android coming out with competitive smartphone de- customers, as well as retain its present ones. forms a link between investment and innovation operating system is more popular than iOS, vices, what differentiates iPhone from the rest The increasing power of applications to sell and offers routes towards promoting such growth. application developers are more satisfi ed with of the pack will be its operating system. Here, devices, shown for one by BlackBerry Messen- So perhaps a better gift to his country than Apple the Apple market’s ecosystem. A recent survey Apple’s weakness in terms of fl exibility is ac- ger’s securing of the teenage market for its host and the ‘iDevices’ was Jobs’ own embodiment of from US Yankee group and Skyhook shows tually what contributes to their strength. While device, suggests a continuing need for the kind this link, as the entrepreneurial, innovating, “hard- that developers were dissatisfi ed with the lack new customers might be moving away for lack of innovation shown by Jobs. In the tug of war ware-software Elvis”. of regulation in Android application market, of product variability, little integration with the between the developer and consumer, whereby bemoaning the piracy that eats away from their Windows OS, and expensive application costs developer innovation to lead consumers fi ghts – The Business Editors profi t. Another survey from research fi rm IDC compared to Android, Apple still manages to consumer interest to prompt developers, the and mobile software company Appcelertor rake in a high profi t margin from their prod- winner will be determined by its applications. FELIX Friday 28 october 2011 13 BUSINESS Business in History The Cautionary Tale of King Phillip II, the ‘Paper King’ of Spain

Beñat Gurrutxaga-Lerma lous and demanding. Each Council was thus required to forward to the King, Be it for ignorance, insecurity or psy- in written format, all the decisions that chological compulsion, micromanage- had to be made along with their recom- ment is an ancient curse no business or mendation, for them to be personally institution is safe from, and whose risks reviewed by Phillip. These decisions and consequences can only increase the ranged from the most important poli- higher the micromanager’s infl uence cies, such as peace treaties or military reaches. Though a well-known manage- decisions, to the pettiest issues, includ- rial style – at least known well enough ing any grant, patent, request, building to have its own (and pejorative) name licence … even to the awarding of a – no reliable statistical study on its oc- university degree! In short, he central- currence appears to exist; nor does there ised in his person all the bureaucracy seem to be any thorough study, psycho- of his kingdom; his desk was the fi nal logical or sociological, of the phenom- destination of all the paperwork of the enon beyond, namely the economic Spanish monarchy: no wonder he was consequences when it affects business sometimes called the Paper King! managers. The amount of paperwork was so over- This is indeed a surprising fact, espe- whelming he would devote to it most of cially since micromanagement has af- his time. He woke up very early in the fl icted so many historical fi gures that morning (around 5-6am), and almost in- this article could be fi lled by a list of mediately start to review the fi rst set of their names. But, instead of boring the documents of the day, carefully reading reader with such a dull curiosity, it is them and replying by hand. Sometimes our intention to expose the dire conse- his answers would be brief: “Indeed”, quences micromanagement can have by “That is fi ne”, “This pleases me a lot”; considering the best known example of but sometimes he would unburden him- such: King Phillip II of Spain. self in long and pointless paragraphs in Phillip II (1527-1598) is perhaps best which he would correct, and even tell known in the United Kingdom for be- off and complaint about whatever he ing the husband of Queen Mary I, and thought was not right. for trying to conquer England with the For example, upon receiving a request ill-fated Spanish Armada. Perhaps less from the University of Alcala to grant known are his working habits, constitut- a degree to some “Maximilian of Aus- ing the most extreme case of microman- tria, natural son of bishop Leopold of agement in history. Austria, in turn natural son of emperor Phillip II inherited from his father, Maximilian I and one of his sisters-in- Emperor Charles V, the Crowns of Cas- law, a daughter of the King of Portu- tile and Aragon, which included, respec- gal”, he promptly corrected the Univer- tively, the Americas and the Kingdom sity by pointing out, in a long letter, that of Naples, as well as the Netherlands, “that cannot be, for the wife of emperor Phillip II of Spain (1527-1598), the ‘Paper King’ of Spain: an extreme example of a micromanager, and another Flanders and other former territories of Maximilian was not Portuguese but with a penchant for black polonecks the Duchy of Burgundy. Later on, he the only daughter of the Duke Charles would become King of Portugal (1582). of Burgundy, who was left in charge of Each of these territories were subject to some king of France who tried to take of all of them at the same time. Today the viceroy is said to have bitterly com- of micromanagement. For indeed, as it their own legal systems, inherited from over her state. And look how good a tu- there came two men, whose affairs held plained: “if I had to wait for death, I happened to Phillip, all micromanagers the Middle Ages, and had little in com- tor he was, that being the cause of so me for two hours, and the amount of wish it came from Spain, for then it end up enslaved by their own obses- mon except their monarch. many of the wars that have happened documents they left behind will take me would never arrive!” sions; the bigger the responsibility, the Hence, to no surprise the Spanish since!” more time than I have. I am exhausted.” Having so many affairs to take care of less free time they will have; and taken monarchy had promptly divided its af- His attention to detail was such made most of his decisions incredibly to the extreme, the micromanager will fairs into different councils, each of that, on the comissioning and building short sighted; his lack of time to ponder lack the time to clearly and carefully which was in charge of part of them – “If I had to wait of a palace, he wrote to his architects an adequate economic and military pol- think about his decisions – many of e.g. the Council of the Indies would take ordering them to place the kitchen as- icy (he would simply order more levies them will have to be delayed, and many care of America; the infamous Council for death, I wish it sistant’s quarters far away from the if his possessions were to be attacked) more taken in a rush. of the Holy Inquisition, of religious af- service latrines, as the smell could be made him spend far more money than Furthermore, all micromanagers can fairs, etc. Any affair had to be referred came from Spain, for unbearable. he had in such a way that, even though end up being victims of their own sys- to one of 14 such councils. For instance, The consequences of this obsessive Spain was by far the richest country tems. Phillip, for instance, managed if the viceroy of Naples had something then it would never attention to detail were ample. As Phil- in Europe, it faced three sovereign de- to isolate himself from his own advi- to report, he would have to send his let- lip himself complained, the amount of faults during his reign. A French am- sors: any request had to be forwarded ter to the Council of Italy, rather than to arrive!” – viceroy of affairs he had to take care of usually bassador would summarise this all by in written format, and since the ones in the King himself, and wait instruction meant huge delays in his decisions. pointing out that Phillip’s decision of charge of fi ltering them were his sec- from that Council. Naples, c. 1570 For instance, in the 1570s, fearing a being “king, minister and secretary at retaries, they could safely dismiss af- Albeit somewhat an archaic mana- Turkish invasion of southern Italy, the the same time is virtuous, but it leads to fairs against their own interests, or bury gerial system, in theory it allowed the viceroy of Naples asked the Council so many delays and confusion that all them among the ample paperwork. In King to oversee the general policies of Sometimes he would even complain of Italy for permission to levy troops. those who have to deal with the Crown short, they became the most infl uen- his empire, and leave all the minor de- about his own administrative system in Ten disquieting months passed before despair.” tial men in Spain and Phillip often ap- tails to the Councils. those replies: “it is necessary for some a decision was made – to call troops The story of king Phillip II has many peared to be no more than an additional However, Phillip was terribly meticu- things to wait, for I cannot take care from northern Italy. In the meantime, lessons to be learnt about the dangers element of his own bureaucracy. full-time analyst your future starts here. At Morgan Stanley, solving Deadline for application: 6 November 2011 complex challenges and fueling economic growth across summer analyst continents is what we do. 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Morgan Stanley is an equal opportunity /affi rmative action employer committed to workforce diversity. (M/F/D/V) © 2011 Morgan Stanley FELIX Friday 28 october 2011 15 Business Editors: Nina Kearsey Beñat Gurrutxaga-Lerma [email protected] BUSINESS BlackBerry’s Outage and its Aftermath The Imperial Entrepeneurs report on the service failure that failed BlackBerry users, and its impact on both companies and the markets

By during the past few weeks, worried with thoughts that their company is going continuously downhill, making it easier Máximo Sanz Hernández for their primary competitors (i.e. Apple and Android smartphones) to take over During the evening of Monday October their niche. The year 2011 has certain- 10 you were possibly one of the frus- ly not been a good one for RIM, but trated Imperial students that couldn’t BlackBerry’s decline had started much get their BBM working. That was the earlier. At one time, BlackBerry devic- day on which all BlackBerry devices es were the clear industry leaders, but lost their email and BlackBerry Mes- ever since Apple launched the iPhone senger services. Some devices lost in- in 2007 the company has struggled to ternet access as well, leaving many be- retain its market share, something that wildered students unable to update their became even more evident with the re- Facebook statuses or tweet any random lease of the iPhone 4 last year. Everyone thoughts. The situation stretched on, at RIM headquarters was probably hop- and became much more irritating when ing for 2011 to be the year they bounced on early Tuesday morning these student back, with some new ideas in mind that BlackBerry users had no means to en- could help turn the situation around. tertain themselves during lectures. Lat- However they now fi nd themselves in er that day there was an announcement an even worse situation, caused by a by RIM stating that the issue had been combination of bad decisions and even resolved. This probably brought hope worse luck. to those who had been yearning to have Their fi rst and biggest hope, the their fully functional smartphones back, launch of their new tablet device, turned however, right after that announcement out to be a great failure. The PlayBook the delays and outages spread world- lacked the software and the functional- wide. These outages would end one day ity that most people expected, and was later with all services being restored, certainly not enough to compete against but leaving many displeased users all the iPad. RIM has already admitted across the world. that prices for the tablet will have to be While the outage may have been an- slashed as an attempt to save the situa- noying for students, it has had a large tion, since right now the device is barely Mike Lazaridis, founder and co-CEO of RIM, the creators and manufacturers of the BlackBerry, at a developers’ and relevant impact in many busi- selling at all. conference in San Francisco nesses, considering the large number This was the fi rst piece of bad news of companies that rely on these phones that RIM got in 2011. The company was to enable communication and email surrounded by bad publicity after the of RIM shares. And now comes the There have already been direct rev- other companies provide. An example management amongst their employees. London riots that took place during the outage, questioning the reliability of enue consequences due to compensa- of this is DLA Piper, a law fi rm that is As much as this outage has negatively summer, in which the BBM service was BlackBerry devices, something that had tions. RIM charges wireless carriers accelerating discussions about switch- affected many people, right now there used by the rioters as one of the main helped them build their reputation in the a monthly fee based on the number of ing to iPhones and Android devices. As is probably no one as worried than Jim means to communicate. On top of this, past few years. BlackBerry users. Many analysts agree for the rest of the users, BlackBerry no Balsillie and Mike Lazaridis, co-CEOs a sharp reduction in profi t and sales was Even though this hasn’t been the fi rst that some of those fees will have to be longer presents the unique features that of RIM. announced about a month ago, which given back, and losses in the value of once made them so popular. The new These two probably lost a lot of sleep had a signifi cant impact on the value RIM shares are predicted. These short- iOS now includes iMessage, a service “Since Apple term problems should not be the main that allows all Apple devices to commu- concern around the company head- nicate. In other words, a clear and direct launched the iPhone quarters however; the outage has irri- competitor for BBM. tated many users, who are particularly There is only one hope left for RIM. in 2007 [BlackBerry] displeased with how RIM has handled They now rely on the shift to a new Timeline BlackBerry Outage the situation. There was a continuous operating system (QNX), fi rst used in has struggled to lack of information throughout the out- their PlayBook. Right now, a success- age, and when RIM fi nally released an ful transition is the only thing that can • 11:00, Monday 10 Oct. RIM admit service outage in Eu- retain its market announcement saying that the prob- help them close the gap on Android and rope, the Middle East and Africa (EMEA) following a switch lem had been fi xed the situation only Apple OS. Let us hope that the compa- failure at their datacenter in Slough share” became worse. This has undermined ny starts experiencing better luck in the • 9:00, Tuesday 11 Oct. RIM apologise for downtime and BlackBerry’s reliability and the com- future, otherwise we could be witness- announce their servers are functioning again BlackBerry outage, it will probably pany’s credibility, and will make users ing the fall of what once was an empire. • Eve., Tuesday 11 Oct. RIM confi rm disruption to the BIS have greater consequences than any of are more and more tempted to switch to service spreads from EMEA region to India and South the previous ones, and this is because competing devices. Remember! If you are interested America of its timing. Regarding the interests of One of the main niche markets that in entrepreneurship, starting your • Wednesday 12 Oct. RIM tell customers they are working the company, there could have not been BlackBerry could lose is large compa- own company, the technology sec- on the problem, as outage spreads to North America a worse moment for BlackBerry ser- nies using BlackBerry Enterprise Ser- tor, or just want to listen to some • 15:00, Thursday 13 Oct. RIM resume BlackBerry services, vices to go down. The recently released vice (BES), a feature that allows easy very inspiring speakers, come to the but warn of continuing disruption. Co-CEO Mike Lazaridis iPhone 4S and the new Apple operative management of large fl eets of smart- talks organized by Imperial Entrepre- apologises for were longest outages in history system iOS 5 present themselves as an phones. Some companies are no lon- neurs! Sign up for the mailing list at: alternative for all BlackBerry users af- ger satisfi ed with BlackBerry and are fected by the outage. starting to consider the advantages that www.imperialentrepreneurs.com 16 Friday 28 october 2011 FELIX Comment Editors: Tim Arbabzadah Sam Horti COMMENT [email protected] FELIX A Traveller’s Tale Imperial versus university applications

As reported extensively by the media this week, university applications have seen an approximate drop of 9% from last year. In the wake of such a startling figure (espe- cially in comparison to the year-on-year rise that the sector has recently enjoyed), ques- tions must be asked regarding the potential Luke Sheldon implications that this may have on Imperial College. ast week, the decade of le- The answer to such questions is relatively gal battles over half of the simple however. The decrease in applica- traveller site at Dale Farm tions that we have seen will have primar- culminated into a physi- ily little effect on the College – as long as cal one. Tony Balls, the Is nobody going to comment on the great tiling of the street? Puts Coronation Street’s Imperial continues to publicise how exactly LTory leader of Basildon council, has cobbling to shame it can help (primarily UK-based) students defended this eviction on the grounds from deterring. of “fairness” – that the law must apply Schemes are already being implemented to everyone – which has been backed insult to injury, the Tories are cur- Myra had little involvement in that side to ensure that students will continue to ap- by his party’s leaders. However, this rently undermining the preservation of of resistance!), but if you condemn this ply to Imperial, such as the new and more neglects the different starting posi- greenbelt land through changes in the response then try and imagine whether extensive bursary scheme. tions: travellers are not treated like planning laws, whilst so violently pro- you would not want physical support However, an overwhelmingly negative everyone to begin with. It’s like mak- tecting the “greenbelt” of Dale Farm. when being removed from your home. perception still exists for many across the ing someone start a game of monopoly Even with the obvious double stan- All action was done with the knowl- country with regards to tuition fees in gen- with half the money of everyone else dards of this eviction the travellers edge and support of the travellers and eral. Despite widespread advice from gov- and then complaining that it’s not fair were prepared to move if the council the support was commendable. Two ernmental bodies urging prospective stu- when they start nicking money from found them a local site. Even though people ended up spending Wednesday dents not to be dissuaded from applying to the bank when people aren’t paying local MEP Richard Howitt found a night with their arms in concrete bar- university by the rise in tuition fees, there attention. paid for site from the Homes and Com- rels as the temperature nearly reached still exists a distinct thought in the minds Travellers are persecuted in this munities Agency, the council have re- freezing, with imminent arrest once of those considering higher education as a country; no one wants them as neigh- fused permission. They will not allow removed from the concrete. However, real option. bours. This has lead to the UK be- the travellers to stay in Basildon. This it didn’t have to be this way. Even if This thought, whether held by friends or ing short of thirty thousand traveller goes far beyond planning laws; it is it was felt vital to remove them from family, is that students will be loaded with a pitches. Councils have a set quota of pure racism. Currently, neighbouring Dale Farm, a traveller site could eas- staggeringly large student loan to pay back traveller sites that they must provide; councils are digging up roadsides to ily have been built in the vicinity. following graduation. This negativity follows one which they tend to ignore. The prevent the travellers stopping there. With this the travellers would have left from a generation that received higher edu- government, instead of strengthening All the council has done is offer them peacefully and quickly. The violence cation for next to no cost. this quota, to make sure enough sites housing, an insult to their culture and seen on the TV could have been pre- It is this perception that Imperial must are available, are looking at abolish- way of life. This has caused both the vented. Instead, our hatred of travellers tackle if it is to retain its impressive appli- ing it. This will stop the creation of UN and Amnesty International to causes councillors to chase them out of cation rates. The bursary scheme must be new sites. Travellers repeatedly try to condemn this eviction with compari- town at high human and fi nancial ex- publicised in the coming weeks as prospec- establish their own sites, but where- sons to Zimbabwe, as no culturally pense to preserve the votes they would tive students continue to consider their path as the settler community (us) have appropriate alternative is given. They have lost if travellers stayed. for the future. Focus need not be primarily around 20% of our planning proposals cannot legally stay and they cannot le- When I discuss Dale Farm with peo- focused on bursaries, however. The fact rejected, travellers have 90% of theirs gally travel. ple, upholding planning law is always that contributions from alumni continue to rejected. The lack of planning permis- Although this is the largest traveller given as the fi rst reason for evicting enable students to embark on their studies sion granted forces travellers to build site in Europe, I have been there and them. However, quickly the discus- here is a fact that should be promoted as their site and ask for permission later. it’s tiny. The illegal part is two or three sions degenerate into false assump- widely as possible. Retrospective planning permission football pitches in size. The fact that tions on the welfare dependency of Nevertheless, it is also worth remember- is not unusual. It is regularly given, it’s the largest shows only how little travellers (not an issue I’ve ever heard ing the rise in applications from overseas. and it is only through our institutional Europe accommodates its traveller outside of ill-informed debate), how Imperial is sure to continue encouraging in- racism that travellers rely solely on it. community. Also, at a time of austerity they live and how they would not want ternational students to apply, ensuring no Furthermore, the details of this case the cost of eviction is thought to be ap- travellers in their own back yard. When real danger from reduced demand. We must highlight the hypocrisy of Basildon proximately £20million, making this a discussing this issue, please replace the also consider the fact that applications for council. The reason planning permis- very expensive scrap yard. word traveller with African, Polish or science based courses has seen a lower sion is not being granted is because This may be shocking in its persecu- Chinese and see whether you think percentage drop in comparison with other it is apparently greenbelt. However, tion of a minority, but it is also inspir- these arguments are appropriate and subjects. before the traveller’s arrival, this site ing. For the fi rst time large contingents not utterly racist. Whatever arguments Including international students, Imperial was a scrap yard – not exactly green of the settler community have sup- Want to write you hear on planning permission, is probably one of the safest universities pasture. In fact, the council laid the ported the travellers. Ordinary people please remember that when it comes to in light of the announcements. We should hard ground, so the travellers did not were locked to the caravans, including an anonymous travellers, it is never truly about plan- not expect campus to become a ghost town carry out the original development. Ann and Myra, both in their late 70s, comment about ning permission. It is because they do overnight. We should only start getting wor- Also, currently, Basildon council are who are completely repulsed by this how much Felix not live like us and we do not like that. ried once the Union is empty on a Wednes- granting planning permission for de- racist act. If we cannot accept them as part of our day night. velopment on agricultural land near- The day of action resulted in physi- sucks? society then they will be forced to live by, highlighting the double standards cal violence between the supporters Then go to: outside of it, breaking the law as a ne- of their greenbelt argument. Adding and police (though I think Ann and felixonline.co.uk cessity. FELIX Friday 28 october 2011 17

Just to let you in on a secret, the views expressed here are the opinions of the authors, not Felix COMMENT

The real effects There are more things in heaven... of the new Bar

n last week’s edition of Felix, spend all eternity as body-less entities; a good mate. If there is a God, all these Nights policy the comment piece ‘The Hell of in the New Creation we’re given new things were his idea! So if God has gone Heaven’ asked this question to bodies that are similar to the old ones, to the trouble of giving us such good In response to the comments those who hope for an afterlife: but better: things to enjoy, why would he then take made by Michael Foster last “Would you enjoy heaven?” In them away when we get to heaven? week, on the new responsible Ithis article, I’m aiming to clear up two The trumpet will sound, and the dead I could never express it as well as C.S. retailing of alcohol policies common misconceptions about what will be raised imperishable, and we Lewis, so I’ll fi nish this article by quot- and how they have affected Christians believe by offering a picture shall be changed. For this perishable ing the fi nal paragraphs of the last book the way in which bar nights are of what the Bible actually says about body must put on the imperishable, and in The Chronicles of Narnia. run, I would like to clear a few our eternal future. By the end of it, I this mortal body must put on immor- things up. hope that you’ll have a good impression tality. When the perishable puts on the “There was a real railway acci- Yes, the RSMU did run a bar John Raftery of whether or not I think I’ll enjoy heav- imperishable, and the mortal puts on dent,” said Aslan softly. “Your father night during Freshers’ week, en, and why. NB: I’m not addressing the immortality, then shall come to pass the and mother and all of you are – as you though to say that this event question of whether there is life after saying that is written: “Death is swal- called it in the Shadowlands – dead. The was so successful and highly death, because that wasn’t the question lowed up in victory. O death, where is term is over: the holidays have begun. attended that it made us want asked by last week’s article. However, your victory? O death, where is your The dream is ended: this is the morn- to hold another is mislead- that could be the subject of some fruitful sting?” ing.” ing, and only forms half of the debate in the future. (1 Corinthians 15:52-55, The Bible) And as he spoke he no longer looked story. The RSMU Halloween Many people brought up in the UK to them like a lion; but the things that Bar Night (27.10.11) is an an- will be at least vaguely familiar with Secondly, we won’t spend our time began to happen after that were so nual event, and was planned the Christian perspective on the after- endlessly prostrating and grovelling. great and beautiful that I cannot write before the start of term. The life. When asked what heaven is like, In this life we go about our work, build them. And for us this is the end of all high involvement that we have I’m talktalkingi about many people talk of a soul leaving the friendships, have adventures and ex- the stories, and we can most truly say seen this year is a culmination body and fl oating away like a balloon periments. These good things continue that they all lived happily ever after. But of several efforts, and cannot deep intiintimacy, to an ethereal, static and mind-numb- in the New Creation, except that all the for them it was only the beginning of solely be attributed to one of ingly boring existence. By contrast, drudgery and frustration of work will be the real story. All their life in this world our Freshers’ events. beauty that stops the Bible’s picture of eternity is much banished. The phrase “all good things and all their adventures in Narnia had The new system introduces a more real and concrete than the Platonic come to an end” is turned on its head: only been the cover and the title page; shift in the way that clubs use you in your tracks, view we’re often presented with. The no good thing comes to an end. Think of now at last they were beginning Chapter bar nights since they do not al- “ Bible asserts that God will bring about the very best that this world has to offer; One of the great story which no one on low clubs, and their students, and pints with a what Christians call the New Creation: that which makes life worth living. I’m earth has read, which goes on forever, to reap the previous benefits a physical place that is similar to the old talking about deep intimacy, beauty that in which every chapter is better than the of cheap drinks alongside prof- good mate universe, but better. Similarly, we won’t stops you in your tracks, and pints with one before. itability. Having run a capacity event under the new system, I can tell you that, even with the highest ticket prices ever charged for this particular event, subsidies were still re- ” quired in order to break even. Abandon the old grade system To say that our event was a success is true, since it pro- vided a great night out for those attending, but to say ast week, it was an- sheets and course works, only to get a grade system (which, by the way, is that this is a result of the new nounced that UCL is going degree on which it says “Imperial Col- already used in the US, a country not system is false. There is no to change their grade sys- lege London”. That is why you study unimportant in the job market). way for clubs to take any profit tem towards the American here. Be honest, you don’t want the grade from a bar night without charg- model. They are abandon- Don’t tell me that employers will be system changed because you think ing more that the standard Ling the fi rst, 2:1 etc. leading Imperial confused and won’t appreciate your it will mean that your grades will go price for drinks, and in total students to ask: is this also going to degree. Because a) you still come down. You think that you are too medi- the takings from the event did happen to us? The Union immediately from Imperial College and that doesn’t ocre to stand out from the crowd in the not match its expenditure. said: We won’t allow that to happen change a bit, and b) in the new system, new system. If you admit that there is The sad fact is that these reg- because then this will become a (more) employers can more easily determine a discrepancy between the grades that ulations also seem to be set in competitive university. Wow, what an your worth. Let me put it like this, how you get and your actual “quality”, then stone from here on out. Having argument. I mean, seriously, we aren’t do employers differentiate between yes, you can complain about this being spoken to Michael (DPFS) and Richard Oberdieck in Kindergarten here, we are at a uni- a “good” and a “bad” fi rst? A fi rst is fi xed, but you can’t seriously blame Monya (DPCS) on several oc- versity with a widely known and ap- the highest degree you can get here. It the university for fi xing it. The only casions about this issue, we preciated reputation. We are at the fore- states that you are one of the best in person that is to blame is you, because eventually saw the financial front of research and all the companies your subject. But if over 60% of gradu- you don’t study hard enough to merit a basis behind these decisions. in the world are standing in line to get ates get a grade that high (or almost “real” fi rst. In short, the previous system a hold of our graduates. You think this that high), how can you tell who re- So please, let’s face reality: there cannot be maintained into the isn’t competitive? Ask yourself: why ally is the best? These are things that is no real point in arguing for the old coming year without the Union YouYou thinkthink that you am I studying here? It is not (entirely) employers want to know. I think that system, because we are already a very taking on a loss, which it can- because you love engineering, science, if you ask Shell, McKinsey, or BCG competitive university and companies not sustain. Changes had to are too mmediocre to or medicine. It is because you want to what they think of the idea of making will appreciate this move. It introduces be made. be the best and therefore you study at the university more competitive, whilst better differentiation and more hones- RIP bar nights; you will be stand out from the a university which can give you a de- introducing a grade systems that allows ty, and if we are objective and rational, sorely missed. gree that states that you are the best. them to differentiate between students, that’s what all of us want. The new sys- crowd in the new One that shows that you went through they would be all for it. Don’t insult the tem won’t be perfect, but the fact that it Richard Simons “ 4 years (or in medicine even more) of intelligence of these companies by say- will improve matters should be a good RSMU President system ” hell, of sweat and tears, of the problem ing they wouldn’t understand another enough reason for introducing it. 18 Friday 28 october 2011 FELIX Comment Editors: Tim Arbabzadah Sam Horti COMMENT [email protected] Good riddance Gaddafi

nless you’ve been liv- was announced that Gaddafi had died in ing under a rock, or hid- crossfi re: ‘So this is how Libya wishes ing out in a sewer for the to start its new era of freedom.....with last week, you’ll know a murder and a lie. Interesting’, ‘So we that everyone’s favourite liberate Libya for a Government which NorthernU African whack job Muammar is blatantly lying despite all the evidence Gaddafi is dead. To this I say – good rid- on the Internet? This is not a good start dance. I shall miss you about as much as to a free Libya.’ Oh God, stop being so I do my ingrown toenail. white and middle class, it’s hurting my Now, unless you’re a Libyan rebel, you brain. I will say that it’s blatantly obvi- might fi nd this viewpoint somewhat of- ous that Gaddafi was deliberately shot by Laurence Pope fensive. ‘Surely’, I see you write in the rebels and not caught in crossfi re; his au- Comments section, ‘this man should topsy revealed he was killed by a bullet have been put on trial? Does this not to the head, and this would have occurred mark the beginning of a doomed, blood- whilst in the midst of some rather angry thirsty Libyan government?’ Well, no, it Libyans. The NTC should have just gone doesn’t. ahead and admitted that passions had run ‘But surely an eye for an eye makes wild – no one with a shred of intelligence the whole world blind?’ I’ll come to this would begrudge them. Muammar Gaddafi: literally the man with the golden gun point later, but Gandhi’s argument isn’t This was not the killing of a tyrant by going to sway me on this issue. Gaddafi ’s a truly organised fi ghting force. This was dead; and I, for one, will not be shed- the killing of a tyrant by the very people impartial, unbiased judgement on him lated. ding any tears or laying down criticism he’d oppressed and beaten down, people if he remained in Libya. Guilty was the Am I trying to promote violence and against either the National Transitional whose emotions were running sky-high only judgement that could ever have capital punishment? No. In general, I op- Council or the rebels that captured Sirte. when they found him hiding like a rat been passed, and the whole thing would pose any unnecessary wars and fi ghting, This man was one of the monsters who in a sewer (oh the irony). Many of these have been a complete and utter farce – and I waver when it comes to execution ruled over Libya for over four decades. rebels would have lost family and friends one only has to look at Mubarak’s trial by the state. But I am not so morally in- One should appreciate that he was not to the man now begging for mercy at to see what would happen. A protracted fl exible that I can’t see that sometimes alone; no one human can run a country their feet. If I’d have been in their shoes, trial would have only delayed progress; war is a painful necessity, as it has been ThisThis was the killing without advisors, and Gaddafi had a lot I can’t say I’d have been prepared to ar- a clean kill immediately cleared the way. throughout the Arab Spring. Change for of them. At the end of the day though, gue for his life. No Gaddafi , no old system, simple as. the good would have never occurred ooff a ttyrantyrantyran by the the buck stopped with him. He was, in An eye for an eye does make the whole He died before he could leave another otherwise. And whilst many might see effect, the system, and all the atrocities world blind, it’s true. But in this case, I impression; he did not die a martyr. The Gaddafi ’s death as something that ought very people he’d committed both in Libya and throughout fi rmly believe that a bullet to the head whole world, including his old support- to have been avoided, I can’t. His death the world via Libya-sponsored terrorism was the correct medicine to prescribe. ers, saw him hide like a rat and killed like marked a clear-cut end to the war, and oppressed and lead back to him. No court he could have been tried in a dog – so much for fi ghting to the last. now Libya can rise up with a clean slate With a pained expression I read the would have been fair. You are a fool to On 20 October 2011 his former govern- and begin anew. Our hopes will be with “beaten down comments on the BBC page when it think anyone would pass a completely ment was completely and utterly annihi- them. Offended?” I really don’t care...

n just over a year at this great in- Macintosh computer whilst sitting in council estate (yes, I did do this once) off the blame to the parents of these stitution, I have never felt driven their west London house, who feel they to notice that they have the highest people. Can you seriously be advocat- to write to Felix to express my need to be offended by proxy for the density of satellite dishes per street and ing that parents are the sole infl uence on views in response to any article. guests that feature in this show. the highest number of new cars (with their children? There must come a point But I was genuinely riled this If you have such qualms with the blacked-out windows of course) than when the child develops suffi cient sen- weekI by the comments and general sen- class system of the UK, why are you any other residential area; I wonder tient faculties to make the connection timent towards a critique of the show still enrolled at a university that has as where all the money comes from? between their parents’ mistakes and that encapsulates all that is wrong with its modus operandi “Scientia imperii The crux of this problem is in atti- their own situation. What we need here British Society: The Jeremy Kyle Show. decus et tutamen.”? (This, for those of tude. What we have here is a genera- is a society that, rather than encourag- Now it was the pure and unadulter- you not fortunate enough to have had tion of people who feel they have some ing this spiral of poverty, inspires a ated hypocrisy of a number of people a classical education bestowed upon God-given entitlement to a roof over generation to better things. And I can George Howard who commented online that perturbed them, means: “Knowledge is the adorn- their heads, fi lled with all the trappings tell you that benefi ts defi nitely won’t me. From comments such as ‘you class- ment and protection of the Empire”.) of modern consumerist culture, whilst achieve this. less moron, you’ (I suggest a lesson in Enough said. they need not lift a fi nger to contribute Anyhow, returning to the article. English grammar before you publish Just watching one episode of the to a society that is subsidising their ex- Yes, it may have been a tad offensive. CanCan yyouou seriously your next column…) and ‘[makes me] aforementioned show will highlight cesses. I might even concede that there may be ashamed to be at Imperial’, it appeared the appalling situation that ten abysmal So yes, indeed, I do ‘blame the indi- some at Imperial who were affected by be advocadvocating that that a handful of self-righteous liberals years of serially incompetent socialist vidual’. It is their life to live, and their the issues raised in the show. However, had come out in force to oppose an arti- Labour government has created. People life that they have royally screwed up. the majority of normal people read the parents are the sole cle that made some bloody good points. in a cycle of poverty, living drug and al- I wonder how many of them would be article, formed an opinion on it, and got It is this armchair socialism that real- cohol addled lives whilst fuelling reck- proclaiming the greatness of the gov- on with their lives. So, to those out there influence on their ly drives me up the wall. Here we have less and unsustainable consumerism ernment if they ever made it anywhere who were ‘fuming’ and ‘apoplectic with “ people, enrolled at an elite University, funded by the honest, hardworking tax- in life. rage’, get over yourself and go and do children? ” and probably typing on their brand new payer. You only need to drive through a And fi nally, to those who try to palm something worthwhile with your life. FELIX Friday 28 october 2011 19 COMMENT

IC Debating Society asks ... “Should public sector strikes and mass action be stopped?”

It is unfair and True, public unethical for the sector striking is public sector to inconvenient to hold the country to many; but it is not “ransom “unmanageable Yes – James Clough No – Ed Middleton

ublic sector workers do the jobs that and powerful, but children, hospital patients, and t is important to make the distinction be- ture. A lot of the workers have picked careers that we deem to be so important that tax- the poorest in society. When” they strike, they tween whether public sector workers are involve varying degrees ”of specialist training, payers cannot exempt themselves are telling the government, and by extension the making the right decision to strike at a and have dedicated their lives to using these skills from paying for them. We rely upon entire electorate, that unless they get what they certain time and whether they should be to earn a living. However, unlike private sector the NHS, police force and public want, they will let the most vulnerable people in able to strike. Clearly no right-minded workers in similar lines of work, there are no al- Ptransport every day; they are essential parts of society get hurt. It is unacceptable for the people Iindividual would advocate unnecessary or unrea- ternative providers. This means that skilled work- our lives and without them society would be who are entrusted with, and rewarded for, pro- sonable striking, but I will aim to show you why ers with specialised talents are forced to work for completely different. tecting those in need to neglect their duties and it is important that striking is an option for those a single provider; one that is not accountable to Public sector jobs are fundamentally different just walk away. in the public sector. an independent body and is incentivised towards to private sector jobs because the customer – the It also hurts the workers themselves: the public Public sector workers are in the unique position lower pay. Also, because of this, public sector taxpayer – cannot decide to stop paying if they grow resentful of them, and lose their faith in the of having the same body paying their wages as workers tend to work long careers with the same get service they do not like. If all the firemen go idea that the public sector exists to help them. In- ensuring they are paid fairly. The government, employer. As such, any changes to their contract on strike, you cannot stop paying the part of your creasingly, people support cracking down on the employing public sector workers, has an incen- will have lasting effects for the worker’s entire taxes that pay for the fire department just be- unions and in the long run this can hurt everyone tive to keep costs down: if costs were driven too career. cause you are no longer receiving their service. involved. Without the trust of the population the high, anger from the general public (comprising Finally, the concern that the vital nature of pub- There are benefits to working in the public sec- public sector cannot function. Policemen who predominantly private sector workers) would be lic sector work would give them unjustified power tor in the UK. Your employer is very unlikely are respected and trusted are far more effective expressed at the ballot box and lead to the elec- in striking is an assertion that does not hold up to to go bankrupt and stop paying you. Many be- than policemen who are seen as interested purely tion of parties with more thrifty attitudes towards scrutiny. Public sector jobs are important, but so- lieve that public sector workers will, on balance, in their own pay. pay. Unfortunately, due to the nature of public ciety can survive without them. Most public sec- receive a better pay and pension package than You might say that the right to strike is an im- sector work, the options left for workers to ex- tor jobs exist in industries where national co-or- they would get in a similar private sector job. portant way of keeping the government in check, press their discontentment are very limited. dination makes for a better service: a nationalised For example, Tube drivers will soon earn over of protecting workers’ rights or of maintaining The public sector tends to consist of large, na- health service, for instance, is many times more £50,000 per year. Performing work that does a high standards – but this is wrong. The public tional organisations with extensive power struc- efficient than a private one; or in sectors where social good is another reason many people desire sector already has a mechanism to do all of these tures. Because of this, individuals working on the it is advantageous to have organizations working public sector jobs – they feel like they are mak- things: they are decided by the electorate. It is lower rungs of the employment ladder become for quality not profit. They do not solely consist ing a difference. But is it reasonable to expect a the voters who ought to decide how much teach- one of many voiceless worker bees with little or of “vital” industries. True, public sector striking secure, well-paid and fulfilling job while still re- ers get paid, what police pensions should be, or no access to the Queen Bee. It is very difficult for is inconvenient to many; but it is not unmanage- taining all of the benefits workers in the private how long nurses should work. The voters are the the majority of public sector workers to engage able, and this is not a reason to disallow workers sector receive? ones who pay for it and the entire legitimacy of in a meaningful discussion with those responsible from striking. Furthermore, as discussed above, Because the customer cannot stop paying, and the public sector stems from the fact that they for determining their salaries and working envi- many public sector employees have chosen their instead use a competitor like they can in the pri- are working for a democratically elected gov- ronment. In the private sector, though workers job as a vocation; it is something they care about. vate sector, the public sector workers are capa- ernment; the public sector workers do not have may be in a large industry, there is a much higher This non-financial incentive for work means that ble of holding the general public to ransom. If the right to overrule the rest of the people in the exposure to the managers that determine their many public sector workers already accept longer they strike, there is nothing that the public can country. pay. Private sector industries are also held ac- working hours and less pay for the work they do, do about it. Large public sector unions mean When they strike they hurt the public sector as countable to government bodies that are entirely and would be inclined to strike only when their that the public sector workers wield an immense a whole. They hurt the taxpayer. They hurt the independent, and can act as third party arbiters in situation became very severe. amount of power. They can bring down the gov- people in society who most need their help. It is any employment negotiations. For this reason, it As stated above, while there may be situations ernment; the government that everyone else has unfair and unethical for the public sector to hold is much more important for public sector workers where it is inappropriate for public sector workers freely and fairly elected. the country to ransom; if you want to work for to have clear and visible forms of mass protest to strike, it is essential that they have the option More worryingly, the leverage that the public the state then you must accept that the voters are against unacceptable working conditions. to do so. It should be used as a last resort, but one sector holds is that the people who are hurt when in charge and to try and go against their wishes Another feature of public sector work that that can be deployed to ensure the fair treatment they withdraw from their duties are not the rich is just unacceptable. makes striking so important is its vocational na- and employment status of everyone in Britain. 20 Friday 28 October 2011 FELIX Arts Editors: Will Prince Eva Rosenthal ARTS [email protected] Poem for the Week Not exactly a Booker novel Good Morning Autumn David Carr on the shortcomings of this year’s Man Booker prize winner by Osas Omoigiade ast week saw Julian Barnes claim the Man Booker for his short Trees crane over like almost naked men- novel ‘The Sense of an Ending’ Whose shame is barely covered by the red and in what has been derided as the gold fl annels worst shortlist in the prize’s 43 Although these too fall yearL history. No doubt this was caused in part And these men will soon stand stripped by the judges’ reward for readability; a strange requirement for the pre-eminent award for lit- The fruits of the trees are confused erary fi ction in the UK. While some die, conkers ripen ‘Sense’ treads familiar territory – middle- The Sun is not sure how high to rise aged, middle-class pondering on memory and Little humans shiver in their t-shirts; given into the death – such is the scope of modern British lies of a bright heatless sun literature. Tony Webster is a retired divorcé contemplating the passivity of his life when a Good Morning Autumn letter from the past resurfaces, causing him to re-evaluate his actions, or rather his memories of them. What comes next is a psychologically acute but oddly unbelievable retrospective of Felix Arts is constantly looking for new poets. If his rememberings; of what he has forgotten, you want to see your work appearing here, do get and what he has chosen to forget. What do you mean you asked for Jeff Bridges? in touch. Additionally, those interested in joining Barnes’ story touches thematically on Ka- Poetry Society, contact Osas at osamudiamen. zuo Ishiguro’s ‘The Remains of the Day’ [email protected] and ‘On Chesil Beach’ by Ian McEwan (both won for a different book). However, ‘Sense’ to give Barnes his just desserts; after all, this Booker winning writers – though McEwan lacks the pathos of Ishiguro’s unreliable narra- was his fourth nomination for the prize and his tor and the subtlety of McEwan’s interweaved fi rst win. narrative. ‘The Sense of an Ending’ is not a bad book. Why pay for tickets, when you “ ‘Sense of an Ending’ Andrew Motion, the former Poet Laureate It is faultlessly written, and at times beauti- and last year’s Booker head judge, said that fully so, but in its constant exposition it often can get them for free? treads familiar territory... amongst the dire shortlist, Barnes’ novel was feels more like an extended essay than a full- the clear winner, though his panel did select blooded work of fi ction. Surely to win a prize such is the scope of Howard Jacobson’s similarly middle-of-the- this big a novel must have a good chance of road ‘The Finkler Question’. It makes you making it into the English Canon, and this one modern British literature” wonder if perhaps the list was compiled only just does not fi t the bill. Let’s do the Vime warp again

Ian Green being the drunken shambles of a man seen in ‘Guards! Guards!’ to a renowned fi gure of jus- In his thirty-ninth “Discworld” novel, ‘Snuff’, tice; head of the city watch and Duke of Ankh. Michael missed out on last week’s offers Terry Pratchett takes his beleaguered offi cer of Along with his fantastic savage-yet-suave butler the law Sam Vimes on a well-deserved holiday Willikins, Vimes must decipher a countryside full A Walk on Part at the Soho Theatre (the relaxation bit does not last long, of course) of chickens, goblins, villagers, and rich lords; all to the countryside. Pratchett has built, over the whilst attempting to bring justice to those who de- A dramatisation of MP Chris Mullin’s diaries, giv- course of the novels, an entire self-contained uni- serve it, avoiding the disapproval of his wife, and ing new insight into the Blair/Brown years. With verse set on the disc of a world on the back of still fi nding the time to show his son the wonders the incresing political awareness of students all four elephants standing on the back of the a giant of the countryside. over the country, this play should be rife with ma- turtle, with a cast numbering in the hundreds. ‘Snuff’ contains all the usual Pratchett magic terial for discussion. Press night Friday 18 Novem- As the series has progressed, it has grown fun- but in many ways the humour seems more natu- ber. nier and smarter. The writing has developed into ral and frequent than in earlier works, relying sharp prose; the books have matured from being more on observation and action rather than on broader satires of the fantasy genre into wonder- jokes. This evolution in style allows the plot to Next Time I’ll Sing To You ful pieces in their own right. It is their consistent move forward at full speed, and certainly there is humour that has ensured Pratchett’s success. enough going on to keep the reader turning pages. The play that launched Michael Caine’s career Every page is imbued with comedy, but Pratch- By removing protagonist Vimes to the country- in 1963 is revived for the 40th birthday season. ett revels as much in plot and description as in side, Pratchett has taken him out of his element. Snuff – Google Images was not our friend Press night Friday 11 November. one-liners and satire. For a fantasy crime novel, This is certainly not a new formula, but it is pulled ‘Snuff’ contains enough asides on slavery, class, off with such élan it is impossible to begrudge. the countryside and literature to stagger the new- Readers new to Pratchett can fi nd the book en- Whilst some literary snobs may doubt the contri- We have many more FREE plays, exhibitions comer expecting some light fl uff. The marvellous joyable and accessible, but certainly the many ref- bution of his genre, Pratchett’s legions of fans and and concerts (drinks included sometimes) all in thing about this book is that these little moments erences to his past work make it a treat for his long phenomenal sales record leave no doubt that he is exchange for a short review. Get in touch! never feel forced and are deftly woven into the term fans. Within a week of its release ‘Snuff’ had still on an upward trajectory. narrative. sold more copies than the entire combined sales By ‘Discworld’, Sam Vimes has gone from of every book on the Man Booker Prize long list. Snuff is out now FELIX MUSIC ABLAAM NIGHTS FELIX, JAZZ&ROCK, AND MUSICTECH PRESENTK BRING YOU IMPERIAL’S HOTTEST BANDS & DJS SATURDAY 12TH NOVEMBER ENTRY ONLY£3 FROM 7PM AT METRIC MIKILLWITH SPECIAL GUEST PANE

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All male vocal group The Techtonics send their greetings from Croatia If you’re interested in doing a centrefold (clubs, groups or individuals!), email [email protected] 24 Friday 28 October 2011 FELIX Music Editors: Iñigo Martinez de Rituerto Stephen Smith MUSIC [email protected] Kadhim’s totally hot Felix Music Night album of the week Kadhim Shubber and Iñigo Martinez de Rituerto on Blue Sky Black KABLAAM, Felix’s bad-ass Autumn party Death Noir mperial’s music scene is certainly ing a Nintendo Wii remote to use for live 2011 underground. The bright morning music manipulation or, as the name sug- sunshine rarely reaches its dark gests, DJing. Unfortunately, no hacking recesses and its artists receive was in the works at the time. The sug- little attention. The Felix Music gestion did, however, inspire a new live INights are our way of celebrating this element to the society. A live electronic under-appreciated scene and also foster- improvisation group was banded, though Of all the shit stage-names artists have given them- ing it; bringing more students into the it remained untitled by the time the night selves in the history of music, ‘Bono’ has got to tent and saying, “Hey, there’s a good came along. Sadly, No More Reality, as be the worst. But ‘Young God’, one-half of Seattle- thing going on here.” The formula hasn’t it came to be dubbed, is no more, on the based Blue Sky Black Death (BSBD), is defi nitely a changed since last year’s successes: count of the academic dissidence of the close second. In fact, if BSBD weren’t so damn fan- scout the fi nest DJs from Music Tech, local synth wizard. Such is life. tastic, I’d say he was an arrogant so-and-so (thank- sniff out some red-hot bands from Jazz This time around, KABLAAM will see fully U2’s songs afford them no such protection). & Rock, and grab London’s most hyped Music Tech behind the turntables for a BSBD’s latest album, Noir, is an education in how up-and-coming artists to headline. tetrapak of electronic stimulation. Open- to make epic electronic/instrumental music prop- Our headliner this time is rapper Mikill ing the evening, Not Indigo will warm erly. What I mean by this is that instead of brazenly Pane. With some of the wittiest and up the sound system with an unorthodox shouting, “THIS MUSIC IS FOR STADIUMS” (*ahem, weirdest lyrics around, he’s similar to amalgam of groovy head hop, chilled M83…) their music takes you on an expressive Das Racist. He shot to attention with his psychotropics and dubby rhythms. Keep- emotional journey that just so happens to include heart-wrenching rhymes on Ed Sheer- ing it slow and low, SMB will provide the feeling of staring deep into an eternal sky. an’s track “Little Lady” and has been some fi ne deep cuts from the frontiers Flowery language aside, it’s the logical conclu- overloading music blogs since, receiving of house and techno. Before the head- sion of moving instrumental hip-hop away from the praise from none-other than Dj Semtex. liner hits the stage, Monsk will warm dancefl oor. Songs like “Sleeping Children Are Still Below, Iñigo gives you a sneak-peek at the fl oor with his sensual blend of soulful Flying” may have a wicked country-infused drop, the DJ lineup and how Felix and Music polyrhythmia and throbbing low end. To but it doesn’t rest on its laurels; the remaining fi ve KABLAAM is on Saturday 12th of Tech started collaborating: close the evening, Niceberg, a veteran of and a half minutes are varied and diverse, with nary November in Metric. Entry is only the Nintendisco retrogaming club night, ABLAAM a hint of a repetitive chorus. £3 and it starts at 7pm. Felix approached Music Tech Society will rip the speakers apart with an out- So my advice, no, my plea to you this week, is sit Search “KABLAAM – Felix Music in January of last year, about doing a burst of frantic bass music, cracking the yourself on your bed, hook up the speakers, and Night” on Facebook for tickets and WiiJ performance for their new student cones into submission and eventual pa- enjoy the sensation of falling through the abyss. K more information. music night. WiiJing is, essentially, hack- ralysis. Blue Sky Black Death sample Brobama’s inaugura- tion speech on their track “And Stars, Ringed”. Tweet me your favourite sample @kadhimshubber. Better still, tweet Brobama @PresidentObama and lobby him to start a career as a DJ… We all yell for Yelle!

Make sure not to miss Yelle be made of shredded newspaper. Well, Ninkasi Salle du Kao, Lyon kudos to her for the recycling ethic and LIFEM: LOndon International October 22, 2011 the ability to sing (very well, in fact) un- Lily Le der that thing. Festival of Exploratory Music Despite an absence of live instruments or those of you who don’t except for the drums and her voice, the know who Yelle is, I am not use of just a backing track was not at October 29th - November 7th going to bother explaining; all detrimental to the performance. The maybe because I don’t know beats were heavy enough to keep every- The third edition of LIFEM brings a Babelian vari- who she is either, or maybe one dancing and Yelle was boisterous ety of musical discoveries to some of London’s becauseF if you like the sound of what enough to keep everyone’s eyes glued most underrated venues. The inimitable repertoire she does from reading this review you on her. Plus, she was pumpin’ those brings together some of the fi nest creative minds are perfectly capable of fi nding it out for moves to no end, you couldn’t not join from all across the globe, including the mesmeris- yourself. in. ing Vietnamese voicings of Huong Thanh; Soname After vaguely remembering some With two costume changes; fi rst into Yangchen’s contemporary Tibetan mountain songs; kind of remix of her song ‘A cause des a tiny leopard print dress and then into shamanic Siberian outfi t Namgar (Tibetan for “white garcons’ on an early Kitsune compila- a skin-tight, full-bodied red playsuit; her cloud“); the beautiful bossa-nova stylings of Ango- tion, I thought it would be worth check- set was gimmicky enough to fi t in with lan Aline Frazão; a special evening dedicated to ing her out. I’m glad I did. Ouais, she is the air of Perry-Gaga-Rihanna-esque new Estonian music mixing the contemporary cello just another electro-pop act that we all plastic whilst maintaining a sharp edge of Taavo Remmel and the avant garde excursions of are capable of living without, but if you of Major Lazer cool. the Free Tallinn Trio; and of course an ambassador actually are incapable of living without It is a shame that all of the songs were to the fervent scene of Japanese experimental mu- French, female electro-pop then you’re in French (or that the English culture in- sic, tape artist Aki Onda. probably dead right now if you have not cludes a complacency of being ignorant Take the opportunity to explore new music and heard of Yelle. of foreign languages) otherwise she’d new corners of London, visiting Cafe Oto (Dalston), Opening her set with two identically surely take the English charts by storm. Lost Theatre (Stockwell), Rich Mix (Shoreditch), dressed male drummers complete with However if Yelle’s style sounds like Kings Place, and St. Pancras Old Church (both near green sports visors, the fl amboyant your kind of thing, don’t let it put you King’s Cross). Iñigo Martinez de Rituerto Frenchie ran on stage engulfed from off having a listen as the music is defi - head to foot in a coat which seemed to nitely strong enough to hold itself up. Think she’s colourful? Wait until you see the lemon! FELIX Friday 28 october 2011 25 MUSIC Punk Planet by Do you have a bassface? Douglas Heaven This week: Chevreuil Chandra Chadalawada investigates the phenomenon

don’t know how many of you are into Dubstep, Drum & Bass, House or any other genre with a bassline. But let me ask the people who are: what happens to you when you hear a fat tune? II know that, whatever the genre, a good song always elicits some kind of emotional response. For some reason a huge bassline just does some- thing different, something more physical. I think it’s most obvious in Fabric or Cable There’s more to French rock than Serge Gains- at around 4am on a Friday night. Legions of bourg. For a time there was Sloy (1991–2000) club-goers all have that classic I’ve-just-heard- who looked like they were going places after play- about-my-mum-having-sex-with-my-brother ing shows with Shellac and being invited on tour look scrawled across their face. by P J Harvey. John Peel took a shine to them too, The last time I went there, I noticed a man back in the day. But despite sexing up their sleazy whose jaw was actually on the wrong side of his punk sound with a bugle solo on their third album face. I wasn’t really sure what to do, or what to Electrelite (1998) it still ended up being their last. say. Was it a medical emergency? Was he even Carrying the Tricolore today are Chevreuil. aware of it? God only knows. Chevreuil are so French they don’t even bother translating their band profi le. But no matter, the “I noticed a man whose Man is pained at sight of giant lemon gist is clear: “Tony C. (guitare) et Julien F. (batterie) commen- jaw was actually on the he pulls a bassface (it’s hilarious, give them a of the Internet. cent le groupe CHEVREUIL en 1998 ... 3 albums watch). There I found a “scientist” who wrote about (“SPORT” – 2000, “GHETTO BLASTER” – 2001, wrong side of his face.” The child certainly hasn’t been to Fabric (un- how, in nature, the only sounds with a major “CHATEAUVALLON” – 2003) ... mentor STEVE less he’s got a great fake ID) and he probably bass component are things like the roar of a ALBINI ... batterie mécanique/métronome ... le I always thought it was one of those things, has never seen anyone pull a bassface before. lion, a volcano erupting or a tree falling i.e. groupe inaugure la guitare magnétique, instru- a weird kind of mass response. But then, while So why did he do it? He clearly loves it, why scary shit. ment hybride qui a un pied dans l’univers du rock trying to waste some time during revision pe- not just smile? His hypothesis was, therefore, that basslines et l’autre dans l’atmosphère de la musique élec- riod (you’re gonna love it freshers!) I stumbled Thinking about it, it didn’t really make any “remind” humans of things our caveman tronique”. across the Fred the Raver videos on YouTube. sense, so the Imperial refl ex kicked in and I friends got scared by. It is genuinely ridicu- The kid in the videos is about 3 years old: his started researching. The number of papers on lous (and is probably a crock of shit) but it just Roughly speaking, Chevreuil tread the same terri- parents play him Drum & Bass tracks and, Science Direct under “bassface” being zero, I might be crazy enough to be true. tory as Battles, but they’re scuzzier and do with- strangely, he does exactly the same thing i.e. ventured into the slightly less reputable corners Just think about that next time you’re out... out the squeaky vocals. There are also only two of them, augmented by multiple amps and, in case you missed it back there, a “magnetic guitar”. All punk has roots in its fanbase, with many bands doing as much as possible to blur the line between band and audience. Lightning Bolt fa- Noel Gallagher: a real high-fl yer mously set up on the fl oor in front of the stage when they play, with the crowd usually bouncing into the drumkit. Chevreuil take a more academic Alex Roocroft is impressed by the Oasis guitarist’s solo debut stance towards inclusiveness. Last year they collaborated with Professor Ro- dolphe Durand, chair of the Strategy department ith universal song but still catchy, aspect of his writing. at the HEC Paris business school, on his latest lyrics, occasional Some of the strongest moments on the book The Pirate Organization: an essay on the evo- falsetto vocals and album are on tracks ‘If I had a Gun’ and lution of capitalism, which seeks answers to the a collection of sing- ‘(Stranded On) The Wrong Beach’. ‘If questions “what connects sea pirates of the 17th along anthemic I Had A Gun’, which is a personal fa- century to the pirate radios, cyber hackers, and bi- choruses,W to an extent Noel Gallagher’s vourite was like ‘Stop The Clocks’ and opirates of our times” and “how does piracy relate High Flying Birds contains all the ingre- ‘Record Machine’, originally intended to the evolution of capitalism”. True to the spirit of dients that have characterised his later for Oasis. the project, Chevreuil wrote a song to accompany Oasis contributions. The casually-overdriven rhythm gui- the book and released it under a Creative Com- Coming in at ten songs it gives a nod tar slowly burning below a ghostly vocal mons license. For their part in the enterprise the to all the familiar infl uences, from the blends some of the darker moments of band were profi led in the Financial Times, an out- Kinks-style staccato pulse employed in The Beatles’ later studio albums with let not well known for its coverage of punk rock. ‘Dream On’ to the psychedelic reverb ‘After The Gold Rush’ era Neil Young swirl at the end of ‘Stop The Clocks’ to impressive effect. Since we’re in France this week anyway, it’s also reminiscent of The La’s ‘Looking All in all, the album is full of great worth checking out Sincabeza and Pneu, espe- Glass’. songs which would easily appeal to any cially if Chevreuil are your cup of chocolat chaud. The inclusion of dance-inspired ‘What fan of Oasis. Whether it is better than All three have song samples streamed from their A Life’, which although some might see Beady Eye is a tough one to call, in last.fm pages and Chevreuil’s song about pirating as a forced attempt to distinguish from many ways it could be seen as the sec- can be downloaded from www.organisationpirate. his old band, does add an increased vari- ond disc of the eighth Oasis album with com/p/la-musique.html ety to the record; showcasing a different, ‘Different Gear’ as the fi rst. Sunglasses are necessary when near giant lemons 26 Friday 28 October 2011 FELIX Television Editors: Matt Allinson James Simpson TELEVISION [email protected] Pick of the week Childrens’ Sugar intake boosts ego Maciej Matuszewski is drawn back into the boardroom They’re defi nitely not the

same as last week. OK? have been a huge fan of The Appren- tice since the UK version debuted back in 2004. I’m certainly not the only one, with the fi nale of the last season having more than ten million viewers. I suspect Ithat for most people the main draw has been the consistent incompetence of the candidates and the resulting boardroom meetings with a furious Lord Sugar. While the tasks in last year’s Junior Apprentice were generally of the smaller scale and Sugar was far more restrained than usual, there was no shortage of what made the origi- nal great. The second series of the show, which began this Monday and has now been wisely re- named Young Apprentice, looks set to continue Friday | 2100 - 2210 | Channel 4 in the fi rst’s fi ne tradition. The Young Apprentices and Lord Sugardaddy The Experiments As always the show opens with a montage of Derren Brown plays mind games and tests on the generic shots of the candidates walking away ‘capacity for evil’. from home, luggage in hand, culminating in a to their new house to plan their strategies. Here When it comes down to making ice cream the group shot of everyone marching down a desert- we get to feel the feel the editor’s hand when the girls came up with the interesting idea of mix- Saturday | 2045 - 2145 | Channel 4 ed Millennium Footbridge. I wonder how many only things the boys ask each other on their car ing something “healthy with chocolate”. This Jamie’s Great Britain commuters and tourists were inconvenienced by journey is where they live, what business experi- resulted in, amongst others, a chocolate-banana Jamie Oliver travels the length and breadth of closing the bridge to fi lm a scene that lasts no ence they have and what skills they possess — fl avour and an eye catching, if not entirely ac- Great Britain in search of food. longer than fi ve seconds? This is all intercut with unless they really are that boring. curate, slogan of “treat the lips – trim the hips”. the candidates’ over-confi dent and pretentious The teams’ fi rst decision is what to call them- They decide to make as much ice-cream as Sunday | 2100 - 2200 | ITV1 quotes about themselves. Highlights include: selves. The boys quickly settle on the name they can manage in the time that they’ve got Downton Abbey “I’m not focused on making friends. I’m focused ‘Atomic’, an interesting choice for a company but a miscalculation means that they don’t buy The residents of Downton try to return to normal on getting to my goals”, “I’m a risky person. You that is going to be selling food. Apparently one enough fruit and have to bin thirty litres of their life following the armistice. like it or you don’t. I’m like marmite.” and “I of reasons for the choice was because it sounds mix. They make up for this however with ex- got eight A stars, two A’s. No one intimidates “mysterious” and “dangerous”. The girls consid- orbitant prices, including charging extra for a Monday | 2100 - 2200 | Channel 4 me because I know I’m better than them.”. This er ‘Sixth Sense’ and ‘Core’, one of them suggest- cone, and other rather unethical business prac- Young Apprentice is becomes doubly hilarious when we move to ing that the latter is a good idea since “the Earth tice such. These include adding expensive top- The 11 remaining candidates are challenged to the boardroom and see Sugar telling them not and the Sun have a core and for you to have the pings to ice cream even if the customer doesn’t design a product for the parent and baby market. to “pretend [they] know it all because it will be Sun you need a core”. Eventually though, they ask for them and letting small children pick out After a quick lesson in bringing up children, the embarrassing”. settle on the more generic name ‘Kinetic’. The the most expensive options while their parents teams have two days to produce their prototype, Here we fi rst get to the return of another Ap- girls then manage to convince Hayley to project aren’t looking. before pitching their idea to three of the country’s prentice staple, Lord Sugar’s atrocious jokes, manage since she “really enjoys cooking”. The Despite some early problems with the cream leading retailers. as he continues on to say that it would be “as boys have less luck with Lewis who, despite machines and a rather unusual apple-watermel- embarrassing as if Nick and I put on a cap and impressive sales experience, decides that he on frozen yogurt fl avour, the boys do manage Tuesday | 2000 - 2100 | BBC2 started to rap”. Of course, all of the terrifi ed doesn’t want to lead the team. The job is taken to come up with a quite effective pirate theme, James May’s Man Lab sixteen and seventeen year olds laugh. Eventu- by Harry instead. complete with a mobile kiosk painted to look Top Gear’s James May goes on a ghost hunt in one ally Sugar reveals the challenge, which is, as the like a treasure chest – all quite appropriate for of Britain’s most haunted castles. episodes title suggests, to make and sell “frozen their seaside selling location. I do, however, treats”. We soon learn that bad comedy isn’t the “I got eight A stars, two have to admit that their “Shiverrr me timbers” Wednesday | 2030 - 2100 | BBC1 sole preserve of Lord Sugar as the voiceover in- (misspelling apparently intentional) slogan was Paul Merton’s Adventures forms us that “ice cream [is] a market worth a A’s. No one intimidates quite cringeworthy. They go for the opposite John Culshaw and Debra Stephenson impersonate cool one billion [and] to scoop some of that up strategy to the girls, undercutting competition on celebrities including Fabio Capello and Gok Wan. they’ll have to think up something special”. me because I know I’m the beachfront with £1.50 for one scoop and £2 Prince Charles decides that it’s time to get a job. With the teams chosen, as always in the fi rst for two. challenge it is girls against boys, they then go better than them.” Back in the boardroom it is revealed that, Thursday | 2100 - 2200 | BBC1 despite the boys selling out of stock, the girls’ Crimewatch profi ts exceeded theirs by almost £150. Perhaps Not as good as it used to be. they should have tried exploiting their customers too. Harry decides to bring James and Mahamed back into the boardroom with him to face be- ing fi red by Sugar. Of the two, James managed to prove that being joint fi rst in Ireland in Eco- nomics doesn’t make you a good businessman by having suggested at the start of the day that prices should be slashed to £1 while Mahamed was the worst salesperson despite claiming to have been the best. It’s a shame that somebody had to be fi red as I’m sure that both would have been very entertaining in future episodes but, unfortunately, we did have to see Mahamed go. All in all, this was a typically brilliant episode. You won’t normally learn how to run a success- ful business by watching the Apprentice or its One of the many stars of Crimewatch spin off but you’ll certainly learn what not to do Making up for something? and have a good laugh. FELIX Friday 28 October 2011 27 TELEVISION Arrest yourself for not developing a love for this show Any more punny headlines and I’ll be forced to hand myself in...

character). Talking about Charlize Theron’s char-

acter has reminded me of yet another rea- ! son why the writing is so clever. When you re-watch the show, you see things you didn’t notice before that you kick yourself for not realising. It’s like be- ing at a live Derren Brown show when he does one of the big reveals at the end and shows you a video where he winks at a camera. For instance, Buster has a plot line (again no spoilers) that is very cleverly foreshadowed in some scenes.

What more can I say? Quite a lot actu- [email protected] “It seems like that A bunch of typical Imperial students paragraph went off on a bit of a y = Tim Arbabzadah that make it so re-watchable. idea of drinking another double vodka There is however one slight problem coke (I know, I exude masculinity) is sin(x)/cos(x). Yes, I It was recently announced that a new that I have with the show returning for fantastic, but when you grant yourself series of Arrested Development is in the another series: the current 3 series are the wish you end up regretting it the next made that joke.” works and will be aired at some point so good that I don’t want the show to be morning. Although, the analogy doesn’t in the future. The plan is to then make tainted by a bad 4th series. I’m not say- extend that much, I don’t think I have a fi lm. If you are anywhere near as big ing it will be bad, but I can’t help having ever regretted sending a TV show a text ally, but I don’t really have space. I think an AD fan (as those in the know call it – this worry that it will somehow ruin the that felt like a fantastic idea at the time. I must give a quick, honuorable men- although it does make it sound a bit like show for me. It’s stupid for me to think it, It seems like that paragraph went off tion for Henry “The Fonz” Winkler who a disorder) as I am you will have fl ipped absurd even, but it does, for some reason on a bit of a ‘y = sin(x)/cos(x)’ yes, I plays the family’s hilarious, inept lawyer. your shit, I believe that is the technical that is diffi cult to explain: it will make made that joke. No, I promise to never That’s the thing, it’s an ensemble cast, term. Don’t worry, that is purely meta- rewatching the earlier episodes less en- do something as horrifi c again, you can but all the characters are well developed, phorical shit-fl ipping going on. joyable knowing that it show declines keep reading in safety. The next para- interesting and expertly portrayed. The show centres on a family called later on. I’d say that my feeling about the graph will have returned to normality. To sum up: it may be returning soon, the Bluths. Michael Bluth (Jason Bate- return are a mix between cautious opti- The thing that attracts people to the the fi rst 3 series are amazing in all ways man) is very much the most normal mism and mild worry – a bit like the con- idea of something being done more is and you will be hooked once you get into member of the family. He has to become stant feeling during exam period. I voice exactly why it shouldn’t be done. The it. The only down side is your conver- the President of the Bluth Company, this mix of emotions here because a) I’m thing they like loses its mystique. It’s no sations with friends will involve more a property developer, after his father a pretentious twat and b) I think that this longer special and rare, it’s lost a large quotes/references than they should, as It doesn’t matter if you think you couldn’t! We’re getting getting We’re couldn’t! you matter think if you It doesn’t email pretty Seriously, desperate now. position.) normal its to head your return now may (You

George Bluth Snr. (Jeffrey Tambor) is ar- view is not too uncommon amongst AD part of the appeal. How many expensive will your Felix articles. Try and avoid a review? write could you Think rested. The general trials and tribulations fans (fi nally, for once, I’m normal – ah collectors’ items are commonplace? To this, it’s a HUUUUUGE mistake. of the eccentric Bluth family become the man, now this view is mainstream, I use Family Guy as an example, everyone centre of the show. The show also has a must immediately reverse my opinion). loves the original couple of Brian and narrator (Ron Howard – also the show’s Way too many TV shows have made Stewey episodes. If every episode were creator) who really is almost a character the mistake of dragging on for too long, to be like that, then it would no longer in his own right and is used astutely to or doing one too many “specials”, that be a rare treat that you occasionally get create hilarity. turn out to only be special in the more given and gratefully receive. Why the big fuss about this? That’s a derogatory sense of the word. In fact, in 4th wall breaking paragraphs including very good question, I’m glad I wrote it terms of the absolutely classic example terrible jokes and amateur TV watching (I’m in a smug mood). Well, basically, of this phenomenon, The Simpsons is psychologist impressions aside – let’s AD is an awesome show that’s absolute- still making this mistake and will be get back to AD. All of the characters ly hilarious. It’s immensely quotable in a for another 2 series of legacy destruc- are funny, and picking a favourite is al- truly unique way. It has all of these great tion. Family Guy is another possible on most impossible. I’m personally a big catchphrases, in-jokes and call-backs going example. Basically, most sitcoms fan of G.O.B (Will Arnett), Michael’s that are impeccably put together, whilst make this mistake: they overstep the line; older brother, an amateur magician who at the same time not feeling forced. It’s they keep doing the same thing a few too prefers to travel around on a Segway. those three things that really gave (dare I many times; and give the audience more Although I always fi nd Tobias (David say gives) the show its strength. For ex- of the thing that everyone proclaims they Cross) is guaranteed to make you laugh. ample, in one episode they set a couple wish they did more of. The trouble is, It seems that AD is fairly popular of scenes at Burger King, repeatedly say people like the idea of more of the same amongst the acting community, if the the name “Burger King” and even have and usually don’t actually like the reality cameo appearances are used as a judg- a character call it a “wonderful restau- of it. It’s a bit like when you go out: the ing mechanism. Ben Stiller plays Tony rant”. The reason for this was that they Wonder, GOB’s arrogant rival, another were asked to set a scene in Burger King magician. Charlize Theron has a story as part of a promotional deal that the net- “...special in the arc in the 3rd season as a love interest for work had with them. So, they sarcastical- Michael. For reasons that will become ly over-emphasised the advertising. It’s derogatory sense of clear after you watch the show (because these Easter egg moments like that, and you are going to watch it aren’t you? I spotting some subtle joke or call-back the word.” will not reveal anything else about her Eccentric isn’t the word... 28 Friday 28 OCTOBER 2011 FELIX Film Editors: J o h n P a r k Lucy Wiles FILM fi [email protected] In brief Only 3 mins of Gwyneth... the rest’s OK

The BFI London Film Festival Contagion Director Steven Soderbergh Screenwriter Scott Z. Burns Cast Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Marion Cotillard, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Laurence Fisburne Henry Turner-Chambers

It’s rare for a disaster scenario to make for a decent fi lm let alone a great one, so it is with a sense of relief that I report that Contagion rises above the majority of its siblings to provide an Gwynnie wasn’t too pleased with her hubby’s new album: myloawef xylotosoiwlek unusually subtle 106 minutes of entertainment. Director Stephen Soderbergh adopts an al- most documentary-style structure to his story these are real people. aim of making us forget that these characters of a new global pandemic of fl u-like virus. The These slick touches aside, the fi lm has a are vehicles for the story, as opposed to the fo- viewer follows the parallel stories of the hus- number of fl aws. This is not an actors’ movie cus of it. But he does a signifi cantly better job band (Matt Damon) of Patient Zero (Gwyneth in spite of its star-studded cast. Fishburne, Da- than the directors of similar fi lms like The Day Paltrow), an epidemiologist searching for the mon, Cotillard et al all sacrifi ce depth of char- After Tomorrow or 2012. source of the outbreak in China (Marion Cotil- acter to the overall structure and tone of the Of course, there are only two possible out- lard), a walking Julian Assange reference (Jude fi lm. In particular, Soderbergh has no problem comes: the world ends, or everything goes back Law), and the team of scientists at the Ameri- killing off big names. Paltrow dies within the to normal. In either case it can be tempting to can Centre for Disease Control (Laurence fi rst few minutes and the repeated video-tape ask the question “Well what was the point of Leicester Square, a sunny Saturday afternoon, Fishburne, Kate Winslet) trying to develop fl ashbacks of the events leading up to her death that?” and Contagion is no exception. Ironically the usual mayhem caused by tourists and the fact a vaccine. As these characters go about their seem to do nothing more than justify her wage for what was intended to be a sort-of cautionary that most of the square is actually shut for con- struggles, society starts to buckle under the for such a small role. tale about disease and, to an extent, globalisa- struction works, but something else is different. strain of the high death toll. While all the major players are disciplined tion, I came away feeling distinctly reassured. Names are being whispered in the chaos; some Paranoia is the theme and motif here – with a enough not to be bombastic or over-emphasise The CDC react to the outbreak in a professional say Keira Knightley is about to appear, others Ma- lot of lingering shots of door handles and drink- their presence, the lack of examination of their and effi cient manner, without being so perfect donna or Jack Black (actually none of them did ing glasses that have been smeared with traces motivations and emotional response to the cri- as to make it appear a propaganda piece. It that day). Someone (I assume) famous strolls of infected bodily fl uids. This is mildly unset- sis is frustrating, particularly towards the end. looks like this is about the worst such a situa- down the red carpet in a fl urry of camera fl ashes. tling, if a little obvious. More impressive is the We are not invited to sympathise with anyone tion could get, and I could imagine a lot worse. All the cinemas advertise the intriguing “BFI Lon- handling of scenes of public disorder, which are to a signifi cant degree, and are not expected to In summary, Contagion is not going to move don Film Festival”. The red carpets are out, pho- given a lighter touch than in many a compa- care overly when some of the plot-strands are you to tears, nor yelps of laughter or fear. But tographers and passers-by crowd around them. rable apocalypse. The direction maintains pace left hanging because they no longer provided a for an afternoon of sharp and smart entertain- The fi lm festival is on! Sat in a dark room, the well and the script, while not crackling with platform for commentary on the wider scope of ment with a healthy respect for realism, you curtains open and Jack Black begins demonstrat- wit, is far from abysmal and creates a sense that events. Soderbergh has not quite achieved his could do a lot worse. ing how to groom a corpse. Opening on October 12 with Fernando Meirelles’ 360, the BFI London Film Festival brings to Lon- don a fabulous selection of 204 features and 110 shorts from 55 countries. 360, written by Peter A disgraceful portrayal of the Battle of Warsaw Morgan (The Queen), set the trend for this year’s festival. It is a story of relationships and connec- tions in the globalised 21st Century taking place Battle of Warsaw 1920 and overacting make what was supposed to be take the role he is killed off about half way in Vienna, London, Paris, Rio, Denver, Phoenix and a serious war movie feel like a cross between through. Arguably a war movie doesn’t need Bratislava and showcasing some of Britain’s fi n- Director Jerzy Hoffman a propaganda fi lm and a comedy. a direct antagonist but the absence of one is Screenwriters Jerzy Hoffman, Jaroslaw est talent with a sizzling Jude Law, sexy Rachel Sokol Take, for example, one of the fi rst scenes only a sign of deeper structural and pacing Weisz and seasoned Anthony Hopkins as the lead Cast Viktor Balabanov, Adam Ferency in the fi lm, when we see Lenin discussing fl aws. A lot of the fi lm just doesn’t fl ow well actors. the War with the Politburo. He makes the cli- and, most damningly of all, the battle itself is This event is more than just glitz and glamour in Maciej Matuszewski chéd “fi rst Poland, then Europe, then World” pushed right to the very end. We get to witness central London. Some of the most awaited fi lms speech, after which there is literally the sound both sides planning but when the time comes of the season were screened in Leicester Square Jerzy Hoffman might not be the most fa- of thunder and a fl ash of red before we move we only see some soldiers defending a trench with the critically acclaimed We Need to Talk about mous of Polish fi lm directors but he has on to the title screen. Hoffman did the same and a cavalry charge — and then it’s over. We Kevin (out now in cinemas), The Ides of March certainly shown himself to be competent in trick when introducing the main antagonist, really get no feel for the battle, no real idea (or when George Clooney multi-tasks), A Danger- the past, most notably in his adaptations of Chmielnicki, in With Fire and Sword but at of how it progressed and what happened. The ous Method and The Descendants. In addition, Henryk Sienkiewicz’s epic Trilogy (With least Chmielnicki had some depth, rather than titular battle is almost an afterthought. a number of restored classics were screened at Fire and Sword, The Deluge and Colonel being nothing more than a cheap comic book On the technical side the fi lm certainly the BFI Southbank centre as well as foreign fi lms Wołodyjowski). Therefore, despite its rela- villain, like Lenin is here. looks good. The 3D is mostly competently that would probably never hit a screen in Britain. tively poor critical reception, I was quite Some would argue that we should not have done, though it does get very distracting dur- A samurai fi lm, a documentary following Sarah hopeful for his latest work Battle of Warsaw expected objectivity from a Polish made fi lm ing the faster paced sequences. Hoffman also Palin, or dark cancer-related humour, there was 1920 3D, which has received a surprisingly about this topic but that’s not really the prob- included far too many slow motion shots, something for every taste and mood. wide UK release. Unfortunately, I was to be lem here. The Trilogy fi lms weren’t at all ob- which, together with soundtrack, really add Last night the festival closed, on a British note disappointed. jective but, unlike this movie, they were at to the ridiculously over-dramatic feel of the with The Deep Blue Sea directed by Terence Da- The Battle of Warsaw is considered by many least competently made. The Deluge even re- scenes in which they are used. vies, at least until next year for more intriguing to have been the decisive battle in the Polish- ceived an Oscar nomination for Best Foreign In short, the fi lm has very little to say about features and discoveries. Also, we now have the Soviet war of 1919-1921, in which the Polish Language Film. the overarching war plot and while several certainty that Clooney won’t do a Schwarzie and army managed to rout the Bolshevik forces, Battle of Warsaw doesn’t even seem to have scenes almost make you feel for the smaller run for election, or so the Evening Standard says. who previously been considered unstoppable. a proper antagonist. Lenin is far too distant a scale story of our protagonists, these mo- Marie-Laure Hicks This could have made an interesting fi lm and, fi gure for him to directly affect the protago- ments are ruined by the director’s inability to while Hoffman’s effort is not entirely with- nists — a cavalry offi cer and his new wife — show restraint. This is one of the most hilari- out merit, a combination of heavy handedness and while Cheka agent Bykowski looks set to ously awful fi lms that I’ve seen this year. FELIX Friday 28 OCTOBER 2011 29 FILM “Change begins with a whisper” 10 Films to The Help what genre, gives an even more stirring Watch from performance as she is given a bigger Director Tate Taylor part. She is always so full of love and Screenwriters Tate Taylor, Kathryn this year’s BFI Stockett (novel) is more than committed – she is good at Cast Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer, her job, too, as she takes care of those London Film Emma Stone around her with much warmth and compassion. Minny is someone who Festival John Park will generate more laughs, with Spen- cer delivering that right mix of tough, Here is this year’s answer to The Blind no-nonsense woman whilst showing Side. A feel-good movie that looks at empathy to those she deems deserving. controversial issues involving white Minny ends up with a new boss, Corolianus – Ralph Fi- guilt and somehow ends up being the and it turns out that Celia Foote (Jes- ennes’ directorial debut year’s most watchable, straightforward sica Chastain) is the polar opposite of based on Shakespeare’s fi lms. The only difference is that if any Hilly. Celia is a cheerful but clueless play and transposed to of the cast for The Help do score some and insecure housewife who is desper- the modern day Balkans awards for their performances, simi- ate to please her well-off husband. She lar to what Sandra Bullock managed Come on UCAS – did I get into Cambridge Imperial College, or not?! and Minny bond, and as that unlikely The Ides of March – A to swing in 2010, the women of “The friendship develops, the audience also smart, well-acted po- Help” would actually deserve the shiny learns that white people have diffi cul- litical drama directed by statuettes. cates herself to (she even has a separate Are white people evil for employ- ties of their own, and seeing Spencer George Clooney The complex issue The Help deals toilet because the owners fear they will ing black maids? The fi lm is correct lower her defense to someone she with is racism, and the idea of hired catch some unknown disease) is uncon- in showing us that not everything can never thought would be her “equal” is The Artist – A silent fi lm help in 1960s America – or more spe- scionable in our eyes, but she accepts it be summed up that simply. Sure the a change grasped well by the otherwise about cinema starring cifi cally, the use and treatment of black since she has faced this kind of behav- character of Hilly Holbrook, the fi lm’s straight-talking, hilarious Spencer. And this year’s Cannes Best maids with the shockingly popular iour every day. Minny Jackson (Octavia main antagonist, is drawn with a hint of Chastain, who is having one heck of a Actor Award Jean Dujar- term “separate but equal” being used Spencer) is a maid whose frank words comical caricature, but the rest of the year with a long line of impressive per- din to segregate black Americans. The and bold attitude have garnered her a cast represents something more com- formances stacking up to her glowing help, required to cook, clean, shop and reputation for being diffi cult. Minny’s plicated, and the white employers are resume, can count this one in too. The Kid with a Bike – raise children for their white, superior boss, the evil Hilly Holbrook (Bryce far from hateful. Sure, it is undeniably too neat; but The Dardenne Brothers’ bosses, do so to make ends meet. Con- Dallas Howard), is a nasty piece of There is a cloud of mystery created this is a feel-good movie, which is why new heartbreaking roller- descending tone, demeaning gestures work who poisons her suburban neigh- as Skeeter discovers her beloved child- everything is so tidy and the director coaster ride of emotions and verbal abuse are commonplace, but bourhood with her snobbish, arrogant hood maid, Constantine (the invalu- (Tate Taylor) refuses to get his hands to earn 95 cents per hour, these women words. Seeing the maids’ everyday able Cicely Tyson), has simply disap- dirty. The script is somewhat restricted Tales of the Night – A work morning, noon and night, in a struggle and deciding to do something peared. Her mother refuses to give her in its portrayal of a wider communi- magic world of fairytales society that refuses to fully embrace about this is Eugina “Skeeter” Phelan a straight answer. When we fi nally do ty, and rushes into tying up the loose in silhouette animation them. (Emma Stone), a brave young graduate see what really happened, it turns into ends with a convenient, feel-good set brought to you by the cre- Aibileen Clark (Viola Davis) has who wishes to write a book chronicling one of the most heart-breaking scenes of answers. But the important thing is ators of Li and the Poet, raised and parted with more than a the daily hardship faced by the hired in the fi lm, with unforgettable perfor- we care about the characters – black and Kirikou dozen children. Having lost her own help. A lot of people around her seem to mances from Janney, Stone and Tyson, or white, discrimination is wrong, and child not too long ago, she fi nds it ever be ignoring the racial inequality she so especially. many heart-felt, uplifting scenes show Medianeras – Gustavo more painful, and the discrimination clearly sees, including her own mother, Davis, who in supporting roles has us this and its message could not be Taretto’s full-length de- she faces from a household she dedi- Charlotte (Allison Janney). been consistently excellent no matter clearer. but feature, looking at a modern day romantic- comedy taking place in Buenos Aires 5 Films to watch on Halloween (if you’re a MASSIVE WUSS...) Dreams of a Life – A mys- terious fi lm where a young Fiona Calcutt much every single British comedian that Coraline ed by dead children, but you’re not woman is discovered in a exists (there are cameos from Rob Bry- exactly going to be pissing your pants. London fl at three years So, it’s Halloween and your friends sug- don, Tasmin Greig and David Walliams Admittedly a little sinister considering Turns out to be more of a sad, yet heart- after her death gest you have a group trip to the cin- along with many others) and it’s only a it’s meant for kids, this is the perfect warming story than scary. Maybe don’t ema to watch Paranormal Activity 3. teeny bit gory, so avoid eating anything fi lm for a wussy Halloween. The fi lm go for any midnight visits to abandoned This Must be the Place There’s just one problem: last time you that looks like someone’s innards whilst about venturing off into secret worlds orphanages, though. – Sean Penn becomes watched a scary fi lm, it was The Ring you watch it and you should be alright. is magical, mysterious and beautifully an eccentric rock star in when it came out on DVD ten years ago, made, and there’s a stunning scene search of his father’s en- and despite watching it in the middle of where the garden literally comes alive Ghost emy the day you still shat yourself. Have no Young Frankenstein with glowing fl owers (although look out fear! Here’s a list of ‘safe fi lms’ for ut- for the plants that look suspiciously like The only part of this fi lm that’ll give Bernie – Hilarious come- ter wimps like you. The fact that Gene Wilder is the star of femidoms). One of those few fi lms that you nightmares is Patrick Swayze’s dy based on a true story, the fi lm should surely give it some scare actually makes sense for it to be in 3D. acting, or the equally horrifying fact an assistant funeral di- factor. This parody remake of Mary that his character only ever replies to rector (Jack Black), Tex- Shaun of the Dead Shelley’s novel makes plenty of nods “I love you” with “Ditto”. However, as, a rich widow (Shirley to classic black and white horror fi lms, The Orphanage (El Orfa- Whoopi Goldberg certainly manages MacLaine), a district at- If you haven’t seen this fi lm yet, where complete with old-school scene transi- to make up for it with her sassy one- torney (Matthew McCo- have you been? Quite possibly one of tions. Apparently, Aerosmith got the nato) liners and outrageous 80s get up. Yes, naughey) and a murder the most successful British fi lms in re- idea for the title of their song ‘Walk this the whole ghost thing is a very tenuous cent years, this zombie-smashing fi lm way’ from a gag at the beginning of the This English-subtitled Spanish fi lm has link to Halloween but who says you Marie-Laure Hicks will have you laughing like nobody’s fi lm, so if that’s not got you watching it a few scary faces and involves the tradi- can’t celebrate with a soppy 80s chick business. The cast comprises pretty I don’t know what will. tionally creepy premise of being haunt- fl ick? 30 Friday 28 october 2011 FELIX Fashion Editors: Saskia Verhagen Alice Yang FASHION [email protected] 2012 Spring/Summer highlight

Winter may have just begun, but the Fashion World already cannot wait for sunnier days

draping techniques of the tra- ments of darkness, no look Alexander ditional haute couture. The co- was complete without a lace, lour palette came straight from veil-like headpiece by Philip McQueen the pearly inside of an oyster: Treacy, creator of similar piec- palest pinks and silvery grey- es for the hugely acclaimed Surely those most critical of blue were shot between ivory, McQueen retrospective, Sav- critics in the fashion industry gold and brightest coral. age Beauty. The sculpted, ar- must get tired of singing the But it wouldn’t be McQueen chitectural fi gure, complete praises of a woman who has without the shadow of a sinis- with defi ned waist, exagger- slipped so perfectly into the ter presence: laser-cut black ated hips and shoulders typi- 8-inch sculpted platforms of patent leather quite literally set cal of the line was executed to a designer whose shoes they a shark amongst the fi shes, or distinction. claimed could ne’er be fi lled. more likely, the jellyfi sh, such The ever-haunting echo of Alas, no dice. Sarah Burton’s was the lightness of the ruffl es Lee McQueen, a presence both latest aquatic imagining for Mc- cut in undulating, fl uttering lay- restrictive and guiding, cer- Queen’s line interweaved such ers down skirts both long and tainly reverberated and rippled diverse themes as oceanic life, short. A thoroughly feminine through Ms. Burton’s idyllic modernist architecture and the line, though with distinct ele- seascape. – SV

sic. The clothes were delicate; shining tiaras in their loosely Louis Vuitton soft sugary colours featuring chignoned hair; candy coloured elaborately laser cut pieces, shoes were pointy with spar- Paris is no stranger to glittering sheer organza layers and kling silver straps; and bags displays of luxury, but no one smooth sweaters. Dropped came as a choice between expected the angelic dream waists gave a new, relaxed sweet elegant snake skins or that Marc Jacobs showcased shape as oversized buttons weaved metallic baskets, whilst at Louis Vuitton this season. elaborated the ladylike feel of diamond wishbone pendants Amidst the rumours of ‘Will the jackets and coats. Textures hung daintily under large icing He/Won’t He?’ regarding the were central once again, but white collars. Dior job, the curtains rose on this time it was fl oating ostrich Fluttering by in a puffed pale the LV catwalk to reveal mod- feathers and crystal encrusted pearl dress, Kate Moss’ turn els sprinkled elegantly over an daisies that clung to the prin- on the catwalk was the perfect exquisite, pure white carousel. cesses’ dresses, a complete end to this season’s Louis Vuit- The dreamy innocence of the turn around from the dark fe- ton wonderland, and arguably show was accentuated with tish leathers of last season. the fairy tale ending to what fairy lights, sparkling mirrors As always with Marc, detail may be Marc Jacobs’ last chap- and tinkling jewellery box mu- was key. The girls balanced ter there. – AY

Showing ahead of the Baz swan white, pistachio green or Ralph Lauren Luhrmann remake starring shell pink to a glittering silver Leonardo DiCaprio and Carey evening gown with her choice An unexpected highlight of Mulligan, Ralph has created a of cascading ostrich feathers the New York shows this sea- wardrobe that is more than fi t down the skirt, or sparkling son came from Ralph Lauren, enough for the new Miss Bu- beaded fringing – or perhaps whose Great Gatsby-themed chanan. both, should the mood strike sugary-sweet collection stole For the day, a fl oral print her. the heart of more than one bias-cut dress paired with Accessories were kept sim- hardened fashionista. a straw picnic basket, silk ple, a diamond drop earring With the most delicious pal- cloche and raffi a espadrilles. here, a long single strand ette of Ladurée pastels, the Or perhaps an androgynous pearl necklace there, and a reprise of the roaring twenties three-piece chauffeur suit, feather boa for the Charles- would not be complete without either with relaxed, fl at-front ton. cloche hats, drop-waist fl ap- trousers or boyish shorts. It seems superfl uous to say per dresses, and, of course, And for the evening, Daisy’s that the Great Gatsby has nev- lashings of feathers and fring- choices are endless: from a er looked so, well err, great. ing. drop-waist silk shift in bright – SV FELIX Friday 28 october 2011 31 FASHION ts hot from the catwalks s. Saskia Verhagen and Alice Yang bring you the best from September’s catwalks

floated down the catwalks on continued as a main theme. Dolce & long flowing dresses, yellows Appliquéd flowers covered and greens clashed on shorts delicate black crochet as em- Gabbana as blooming courgettes, glow- bellishments scattered over ing orange tomatoes were dark sleek dresses. Rain- The scorching days of a tra- scattered over suit jackets, bow gems lined collars and ditional Italian summer were and siren red chillies added waists, scattered over trans- the roots of Dolce and Gabba- a second layer of hot to tiny parent rain macs and shone na’s catwalk inspiration this bra tops. Dolce & Gabbana over lace before finally taking season. It was a show filled let nothing escape their Taste over the entire runway. Dolce to the brim with flirtatious, of Italia this season as far- & Gabbana’s finale this sea- fun, light-hearted pieces with falle bows dangled from ears, son was a sea of beautiful a dash of glamour stirred into peppers hung from wrists models in sparkling corsets one giant salad – definitely and even their sweet wicker strutting under the arches of the recipe to follow next baskets featured onion pen- glowing festival street lights. whenever the sun comes out dants. Mambo Italiano is definitely again. Eveningwear took a darker the way to go this summer. Painted aubergine prints turn, yet frivolous femininity – AY

, 2 ies were replaced by studs, ion revelation, the DSquared2 DSquared ripped denim, bright parkas, boys’ show was high in broad sequins, plaid, flannel, fur, appeal and wearability, and ‘An American girl goes to feathers and fedoras, all was styled to absolute per- Glastonbury,’ was the vi- piled on in glorious festival fection. sion, according to Dean and form. And, of course, the not Production-wise, aside from Dan, the dynamic duo be- unsubtle repeating motif of the thumping soundtrack hind the oh-so Italian brand, the American flag, manifest- (heavy on the Lenny Kravitz DSquared2. And an ultra-fab- ed separately as top, skirt please), it would be an in- ulous girl she is too, stomp- and scarf. justice and a crime not to ing her high-heeled wellington The girls accessorised in mention the mud-caked male boots (only the Italians…) the standard festival manner, models frolicking by the back- down the muddy Milanese with wristbands piled high, drop. If only one could find a runway. VIP passes swinging free, real festival that exhibited Their American girl had a foot-long fringed bags on their such fine models of male distinctly cooler edge than arm and, naturally, a brew in anatomy, oh, and of course, the British girl at Glasto – hand. such cool, sexy, rock-chic ditsy florals and lazy track- Though by no means a fash- style. – SV

case of motoring. 1950s cars made up the majority of acces- Prada featured in cartoon form on sories in the form of necklac- leather skirts and clutch bags, es, large earrings and delicate There’s no doubt that Miuccia as well as tantalizing prints. belts. Thin felt jackets featured Prada knows how to please Defi ned colour combinations sharp lapels, contrasting the women with her easy to wear added a sense of power and relaxed, rounded shoulders and elegantly chic designs, but strength to otherwise innocent and appliqué fl owers in bright this season she took it upon looking pastel pleats, with colours scattered over the herself to please the male pop- hemlines strictly down to the front. ulation too. ‘How so?’ I hear you knee. There was an all-togeth- Flames too were a Prada fa- ask, not with an extensive show er Marilyn Monroe feel to the vourite this season, rising up of scantily clad models (al- show as models strutted over from pale chiffon dresses as though there were bare midriffs a subway grate, yet there was fi re protruded from the back a-plenty), but rather by combin- also Grease-like sense of fun, of wedges, and stilettos were ing two of the things men love with plenty of leathers and tiny topped with burning exhausts. best – women and cars. bandeau tops. Undoubtedly, this summer’s Spring/Summer 2012 at Sparkling jewels studded Prada girls will have a strong Prada was an artistic show- shimmering satin coats and sense of Va Va Voom. – AY 32 Friday 28 OcTOBER 2011 FELIX Games Editor: Laurence Pope

GAMES [email protected] The Golden Joystick Award Winners Free-to-Play? Watch your language

Free-to-Play is often anything but. Laurence Pope debunks the idea that F2P games are a poor gamer’s wet dream Any red-blooded gamer should have already ree-to-play games are exactly what they say on the tin – video games that memorized this list. For don’t cost money to play. If this is what they truly were then I could wrap this the unenlightened... article up right now, but unfortunately Fthe rule ‘there’s no such thing as a free lunch’ still remains unbroken. Here’s why. Best Action/Adventure Game: I picked up on this issue whilst desperately scour- Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood ing the internet at 11.45pm on Wednesday evening, on the lookout for some mildly interesting gaming Best Mobile Game: news. Mojang, creators of Minecraft, are currently Angry Birds Rio developing a new game, Scrolls, and like many Best RPG: games now-a-days will offer the player the ability Fallout New Vegas to use real-world cash to purchase in-game items. In this case it’s new scrolls, i.e. spells. However, it Best MMO (subscription): will not even be a F2P, as it will have an as-of-yet World of Warcraft (obviously) unannounced initial cost. Best Fighting Game: By paying for the game players will get access Mortal Kombat to a large amount of starting scroll/spells, as well as an earnable in-game currency and an ‘auction Best Racing Game: house’, enabling players to bid for the scrolls of Gran Turismo 5 others. Of course, if you have a few pounds jin- Best Sports Game: gling about in the bank you can cut through all of FIFA 11 this and simply pick out what you want. This decision was mostly down to Notch (real I could make a crude joke here about showing her my magical staff, but I won’t Best Strategy Game: name Markus Persson), Mojang’s founder, who Starcraft II: Wings of Liberty has claimed that ‘Free-to-Play’ games really ought Best Music Game: to be called ‘As expensive as you want [them] to amount of cash on a new spell or cosmetic item. ing a slot machine. It’s a slot machine that always Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock be’ games. Granted, AEAYWT2B isn’t quite as Or did they? They didn’t of course - at least, not pays out, but it’s a slot machine all the same. snappy as F2P, but it’s certainly far more accurate. literally. Game developers can be very sneaky in Best Free-to-Play Game: this regard, and as Notch said, “The reason any- League of Legends one switches to ‘free-to-play’ is to make more “In effect, you end Best Downloadable Game: money.” This seems counter-intuitive but it does Minecraft (also Most Addictive) make sence; a game that costs nothing at all can be up playing with a slot downloaded by anyone, this produces three types Best Shooter: of player – people who play it but only for a short machine. A slot machine Call of Duty: Black Ops while, people who play it for longer but don’t spend that always pays out, but a One to Watch Winner: anything on it, and another group who continue to The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim play and spend money on it. It’s the fi nal group slot machine all the same.” (obviously) who earn the company their profi t. Innovation of the Year: It’s also the same group who suffer from the Nintendo 3DS game developer’s psychological tricks to monetize Scrolls is attempting to buck this trend by be- Outstanding Contribution: the player. Little things that end up nickeling and ing a paid game with the ability to buy stuff, but Sonic The Hedgehog (seriously?) diming you – the illusion that you can earn in-game I’m still going to be wary. To the inexperienced, credits when they’re nowhere near enough to sup- the F2P model does appear at fi rst glance to be an Ultimate Game of the Year: port your scroll/weapon/cosmetics buying; low ideal prospect, but always jump into them with due Portal 2 (my personal favourite) costs lull you into buying again and again, reason- diligence. As I said last week, keep in mind that ing that ‘it’s only a few pence’, when in fact your game companies are businesses, and need to make coffers are being drained little by little; TF2 pulls money one way or other. If a game appears to be Harry Enfield demonstrating how to be a a dirty little trick by effectively charging £2 a pop free, watch out for hidden motives – those sneaky well-prepared F2P gamer for a 1 in a 100 chance to get an elusive ‘sparkly’ chaps in game R&D will grab you by the short and @FelixGames on cosmetic addition. I’ve experienced this latter trick curlies and never let go. fi rst hand, getting shamefully sucked into it for a Twitter Of course, there’s always the argument that if a few months before I came out feeling very poor, person spends a colossal amount of money on a very foolish, but a hell of a lot wiser. By not put- Enraptured and enthralled by this It’s actually being used prop- free game then its their fault, not the game’s de- ting a cap on spending F2P games can rake in much article? Didn’t think so, so show us erly now I swear. velopers. After all, the designers didn’t press a more cash than traditional games that charge just what you can do instead! Contact gun against my head and demand that I spend X for the inital purchase. In effect, you end up play- us at: [email protected] unionpage Stay Safe In Your Student House

Better Gas Safe Than Sorry for your safety. All gas appliances your • Look out for warning signs that your Gas safety may not be your top priority landlord provides e.g. boilers, cookers, gas appliances are not working correctly when you move into your student house, hobs and fi res must be correctly e.g. lazy yellow fl ames instead of crisp but knowing your rights when you rent maintained and a gas safety check carried blue ones or black marks or stains on or could save your life. out every 12 months by a Gas Safe around the appliance. registered engineer. By law your landlord • Fit an audible carbon monoxide alarm. Gas appliances that are badly fi tted or must give you a copy of the Landlord’s Get one marked with British Standard poorly serviced can put you at risk from Gas Safety Record (also referred to as the EN 50291. gas leaks, fi res, explosions and carbon Landlord’s Gas Safety Certifi cate). • Remember the six main signs and monoxide poisoning. Carbon monoxide symptoms of carbon monoxide your is a poisonous gas. You can’t see, taste During Your Stay poisoning: headaches, dizziness, it or smell it but it can kill quickly with no • Cooperate with your landlord and nausea, breathlessness, collapse and sabbaticals warning. let a Gas Safe registered engineer loss of consciousness. These can easily in whenever a gas safety check or be confused with the fl u or a hangover! Gas Safe Register is the UK’s offi cial list maintenance is required. Seek medical help immediately. Nicolas Massie of legal and qualifi ed gas engineers. Only • Check the Gas Safe ID card of any • In an emergency call the gas Deputy President (Welfare) a Gas Safe registered engineer should fi t, gas engineer that comes to do work emergency helpline on 0800 111 999. [email protected] fi x or service gas appliances. in your student accommodation. You • If your landlord refuses to properly can also check they are registered and service and safety check the appliances Before You Move In view a photo of them on our website. they have provided, ring the Health and Your landlord has a legal responsibility Alternatively call us to check. Safety Executive on 0845 345 0055. Keep up-to-date with your Sabbaticals at: imperialcollegeunion.org/sabbs Bike Auction 31 October 2011/12:00pm

Dr Bike there from 12:00-17:00 Monday 12:00-15:00 Tuesday Cycle safety talks 12:15, 14:15 Monday 13:00 Tuesday Police Marking 12:00-16:00 Do you cycle? Join the ic-bug mailing list mailman.ic.ac.uk/mailman/listinfo/bike-users Proceeds go to charity and to support cycling at Imperial

imperialcollegeunion.org 34 Friday 28 october 2011 FELIX Food Editors: Anastasia Eleftheriou Michael Krestas FOOD [email protected] Imperial Food Awards IFA 2011: The Results

We would like to thank everyone who contributed to the fi rst Imperial Food Awards and proved how important food is in our lives. Congratulations to Olivia Tillbert, Imperial’s Golden Master Chef! Surely, nothing could have happened without the support of our generous sponsors. Let us thank Enjoy your £30 Amazon voucher, sponsored by The Cypriot Society once again the Cypriot Society, Dishoom Bombay Café, Riverford Organic Farm, Lakeland, Ebury Publications and Relish. A big thank you to all contestants, who did their Braised Lamb Shanks, served with baby potatoes and cherry tomatoes best to prepare delicious and creative dishes. Your positive energy and enthusiasm makes us believe that even more students will take part in Recipe hob and then reduce it to a simmer. the next Imperial Food Awards. Leave the casserole dish/pot on gentle enough Slice the onions into medium sized chunks. heat to keep it at a simmer for 2 hours with a (Try your best not to cry – mission impossible!) lid. Stir occasionally. Add some water (e.g. 100 Take of the carrots skin and chop them into ml at a time) if it looks a little dry. medium chunks. Serve one shank per person on plates. Measure out the fl our in a bowl. When the shanks are removed from the cas- Season the fl our with some sea salt and pepper. serole dish/pot, add the spinach and basil leaves Take the lamb shanks and turn them in the and stir until they have wilted. (Don’t worry: seasoned fl our. The shanks should become the spinach will fi t!) Do this at the same gentle dusted but not have excess fl our on them. heat. Take the fl our coated shanks and fry in a fry- Serve beautifully with the potatoes and toma- ing pan on medium to high heat in a dollop of toes! Salt and pepper to taste. olive oil. Turn them so they have a golden co- Ingredients lour on all sides. Put the golden shanks into a casserole dish/ 2 tsp Plain Flour big pot. 4 lamb shanks Start to fry the onion pieces on medium heat. Olive oil Add extra oil if necessary. 2 onions Add as soon as possible the crushed garlic to 2 cloves of garlic the frying pan. 750 ml chicken/lamb stock* Once the onion and garlic mixture is soft and 3 large carrots translucent, add them to the casserole dish/pot “We hope you enjoy our rather tongue-in-cheek take 1 tbsp Dijon mustard where the shanks are sitting. on cookery!”– Sam Gonshaw and Navid Nabijou, 500g spinach (trimmed if you aren’t lazy Put the stock into the used (‘dirty’) frying forever loyal to the Sainsbury’s basics range like me) pan and scrape off the residues from the sides Handful of fresh basil to dissolve the left over tastes into the stock. Do A few pinches sea salt this at medium heat. “I would like to thank you for creating a food com- A few turns of fresh pepper Add the “seasoned” stock into the casserole petition because I believe it is very important for dish/pot with the shanks. people to appreciate good food!” * You can buy ready stock however I usu- Add the chopped carrots into the casserole Yiango Mavrocostanti ally add 1 chicken and 1 beef cube into dish/pot with the shanks. 750 ml of boiling water and mix to dissolve Add the mustard into the casserole dish/pot. the cubes. Bring the casserole dish/pot to a boil on the Runners-up Jens Wilting wins a copy of Riverford Farm Cook Book and the “Good Food: 101 Easy Student Dinners” book Yiango Mavrocostanti wins a Hawkshead Relish Caramel Sauce and a copy of “Good Food: 101 Easy Student Dinners” George Trigeorgis, Stephen Gallagher and Yap Chinhua each win a copy of “Good Food: 101 Easy Student Dinners” Their recipes will be published in one of the following issues

“Am I the Master? Hell yeah!” – George Trigeorgis is known for his modesty... Yap Chinhua Stephen Gallagher Jens Wilting Yiango Mavrocostanti George Trigeorgis FELIX Friday 28 october 2011 35 FOOD

Congratulations to Sam Gonshaw and Navid Nabijou, Congratulations to Chew Jermaine, Imperial’s Silver Master Chefs! Imperial’s Bronze Master Chef! Enjoy your free breakfast at Dishoom in Covent Garden, Keep on cooking with your brand new London’s fi rst Bombay Café set of kitchenware, by Lakeland The Which Came First Crispy Pork Belly

Ingredients turn to these later. dry out. Ingredients in a bowl. Coat the skin evenly with the To prepare the marinade, first crush Halve the remaining eggs and mixture. 2 poussins the garlic. Mix the basil in a bowl carefully remove the yolks, plac- A slab of pork belly Take the time to sprinkle some Herbes 8 eggs with the garlic. Squeeze half a lemon ing them in a bowl. Add to the bowl Salt de Provence and Rosemary herbs onto 100g minced chicken breast into the bowl. Add the white wine the minced chicken breast, spring Ground white pepper the skin. ¼ lettuce and the olive oil. onions, mayonnaise, chilli pow- Sesame oil Place the pork belly on an Al foil with 1 sprig spring onion Now unwrap and untie the pous- der. Mash together to form a paste. Herbes de Provence skin faced up. After 20min, nudge the 3 cloves garlic sins and clean them with boiling Spoon the paste back into the egg Rosemary herbs pork belly to ensure it doesn’t stick to 1 lemon water. Apply the marinade over the whites, into the space left by remov- the Al foil. 3 tbsp mayonnaise poussins and inside the cavity. Op- ing the yolks. Recipe Put the pork belly in again and heat 3 tbsp olive oil tionally, the poussins may be left to Prepare the plates by covering for another 15-20min. The pork belly is 3 tbsp white wine marinate for a few hours. them with a bed of lettuce. Once the Preheat the oven at 200°C for 15min. ready when the skin has turned golden 3 tbsp red chilli powder Now, peel the eggs. Insert one into poussins are done, place one on each Rinse the pork belly, dab dry the pork brown and looks crispy. 2 tbsp dried basil each poussin. Put the poussins in the plate and surround with the finished belly, especially the skin. Carve up the meat and the crispy skin oven in a roasting dish, uncovered, eggs. Mix the salt, pepper, and sesame oil separately to be served. Recipe at 190°C and cook for 40-45 min- Enjoy served immediately with a utes. Be sure to baste regularly with chilled bottle of sauvignon blanc and First, hard boil the eggs. We shall re- their own juices, so that they don’t an open mind.

“Man has for millennia strived to answer the age-old philosophical question: which came fi rst, the chicken or the egg? Now, at the peak of our civilisation, with the tools of science and technology at our hands, we no longer need ask this question. Our brutal taming of nature has rendered the question irrelevant. For here, we lay before you an allegorical spectacle, a feast for the senses, in whose shadow all philosophical trifl es are moot. We present to you The Which Came First.” An ideological discussion between Sam and Navid 36 Friday 28 OCTOBER 2011 FELIX Travel Editors: Dushi Arumuganesan Chris Richardson TRAVEL [email protected] Wish You Were Here Volunteering on top of the world

Canoeing with crocodiles, bamboo bungee-jumping and mad motorists – an exhilarating Nepalese adventure

Luke Sanders

Nepal provided me with one of the most sur- real experiences of my life; from the touchy landing on the pothole-ridden runway, to the ‘seductive’ dancing policeman in one of the local bars. Looking for an experience of a lifetime, I wasn’t disappointed. After stepping out into the oppressive hu- midity, the fi rst thing that struck me about the capital, Kathmandu, was the chaos that consumed everything; the traffi c, the pe- destrians, and even the electricity cabling. As a pedestrian, it would be quite possible to make a sport of traffi c dodging. The only practical way of getting across a main road was to tuck in behind a local and hope that Wish you were here luck was with you. Once I had grasped the concept of crossing a road, Kathmandu, and particularly the small district of Themal, re- ally opened up. It is littered with hundreds of shops and market stalls, all trying to sell the ‘Athens Diving World Series’ by Aris Messinis same things. I could easily have spent days meandering through the streets bartering for the best prices on jewellery, trinkets and clothing. The locals are delightful and always keen to chat, whether they’re telling you sto- ries of their own lives or just quizzing you on Travel on your doorstep England and the mystical nature that seems to surround it over there. “...twisting and turning as the world fl ies past...” Getting to know a Himalayan local...

One of the friendliest Nepali locals, Suresh, Here, hidden in the mountains, a relaxing lodge three classes of mixed ages ranging between organised a trip to the Chitwan, a national park can be found. It just so happens that the world’s three and sixteen. The monks were really quite that resides southwest of Kathmandu. Tourists second largest bungee jump is also there. Stand- cheeky and much preferred playing games over First Thursdays in East London endure six hours on a bus through the moun- ing 165m high over raging torrents, I found learning English and maths, so it is fair to say tains to travel to Chitwan, where it’s possible myself being strapped to a piece of ‘string’ by that they can confi dently play Thumb Wars, to experience an elephant jungle safari. The complete strangers, approaching a platform and Simon Says and Bingo. They were brilliant at Get there: A tube that takes you to E1 option of washing the elephants was also on asking myself why I was about to throw my- being blunt, pointing out the fattest one of the See: Galleries, museums, ‘dickheads’ offer, as well as a ride in a canoe that skims self off a bridge. Then I jumped and I realised group when asked what fat meant, or nicknam- Eat: The Albion, Shoreditch the surface of the river by mere inches, beneath why – an adrenaline rush that can’t be matched. ing one of the younger ones ‘monkey’ because Cost: £5 for some top-notch grub which crocodiles swim. Perhaps more exhila- You accelerate towards the ground, the air fl y- he had ragged teeth and ate paper. Apart from rating than this was the actual journey from ing past you, the blood rushing to your head, the occasional Gameboy or knife that had to Next Thursday marks the fi rst Thursday of Novem- Kathmandu to Chitwan. The road that took caught in a daze of excitement and horror as be confi scated, they were fantastically well be- ber. On the fi rst Thursday of each month, count- me there balanced precariously on the edge of you expect the worst. Then the bungee tightens haved and I believe that they truly appreciated less East London museums and galleries are open the mountains that occupy Nepal. Motorists and you’re sprung back towards the sky, twist- my time there as much as I did. It was on my late, and also give out free booze! Check out the seem to have an unnatural desire to end their ing and turning as the world fl ies past, the sky last day at the monastery that the monks were art on show and stick around for some evening own lives and those of people around them by indistinguishable from the mountains and the treated to the use of a digital camera, and they entertainment. Visit FirstThursdays.co.uk to fi nd consistently attempting overtaking manoeuvres river. Before you know it, you’re being pulled absolutely loved it. They managed to take over out more! on blind corners whilst going uphill in a lorry. from just above the river to the safety of land 250 photos where they posed in unbelievably The only compensation for the sheer terror that with some very high tech equipment – a piece ‘G’ fashion, rounding off a brilliant experience Planning a trip? Want some quick advice from was infl icted on me was the majesty of the sur- of bamboo. After being unstrapped I laughed for me. experienced travellers? Have a travelling tale to rounding scenery. The river that ran adjacent to out loud, amazed that I was still alive. Volunteering was without doubt the most share with Imperial? the road carved a path through the mountains It wasn’t the need to jump off a bridge that rewarding thing that I have ever done and I with ease, offering an insight into the power of attracted me to Nepal. The main reason for my would highly recommend it, especially in Ne- nature. A veil of mist fell upon it in the early trip was to volunteer in a Buddhist monastery. pal. The country is so different from England; it Drop us an email at [email protected], or hours and appeared to shroud everything in Each weekday I would walk about forty min- felt like such a breath of fresh air and gave me send us a tweet using #FelixTravel mystery and serenity; a complete contrast to utes to the monastery on the outskirts of Kath- memories that I will never forget. I only hope Kathmandu. mandu, where I would be greeted by a cup of that other people would be willing to immerse Sanctuary from the fast pace of the capital Nepali tea and a ‘good morning sir’ from prac- themselves into the chaotic country that sits on could also be found towards the Tibetan border. tically every monk that I taught. There were top of the world. Bonkers

4 November 2011 20:00 - 02:00

Only £3.00 Drinks Offer from 8pm in Metric House spirit & mixer – £2.20 Vodka Redbull – £3.00 Jägerbomb – £3.30 imperialcollegeunion.org/metric 38 Friday 28 october 2011 FELIX

HANGMAN [email protected] The Hangman Seating Guide What your seating choice says about you. If you’re colour blind, this article isn’t for you. See, even the byline is going to mess with your head

The back row – refuge for those still worried about being considered a nerd despite going to Impe- On the stairs – it’s the beginning of term so the rial. To be fair, there are many reasons for wanting to stay at the back – and none of them are theatre is packed but you were too fucking lazy to get honourable. It’s a great launch pad for various paper-based onslaughts, because you have every- out of bed on time, so it’s neither the front nor the one in your sight. Plus, let’s face it, all that ‘alone time’ in the bathroom has caused your arm to back seat for you. You prefer the cold, hard steps, be quite powerful. You can even hit Captain Questions in the front. You can even see just enough anyway: sitting on comfy seats is so 2010. Plus, you down the well-endowed girl’s top in front for you to make a potentially overused, slightly guilty look so cool and hipster rolling up a cigarette on the feeling (when you pluck up the courage to talk to her) wank bank deposit. You might be there step while you’re hungover. I bet you’re the edgy guy because you can’t keep your gob shut for more than fi ve minutes and sitting any closer brings from the Mingle. I bet you’re so popular that you just you within earshot of the lecturer. Perhaps, you’re just incredibly paranoid about people seeing sit there texting all your friends for the entire lecture. that bald spot on your crown, which might also explain why you walk backwards when leaving the Hopefully, there’s a fi re that you die slowly in, strug- lecture. Here’s a tip: you’re not going bald, Asians just have really thin hair. Women don’t even get gling to move in your spray-on jeans. While you’re at male pattern baldness, you cretin. Although, your moonwalking out of lectures is sublime. it, shave off the ironic moustache.

Anywhere – with no such things as friends to anchor you to any partic- ular zone, the lecture theatre is your oyster! Shame you also smell like one, which not only explains your loneliness, but also your refusal to stay put – only so many lectures can pass before people begin to anticipate your location and hence avoid it all costs. Perhaps lay off the garlic cheese for breakfast and invest in a bar of soap? Don’t worry, in a way, it’s a good thing. You see, University is just like school... nobody wanted to sit next to you then, either.

The front row - you’re one of those freaks who actually enjoys the subject, so sitting at the very front means you get fi rst shot at asking the lecturer pedantic questions before he gets tired and tells all the students to fuck off and take the course book out of the library. It also means you don’t have to shout The Nigerian branch of the BNP didn’t have a very well attended meeting. When asked about the failure Nick Griffi n said something a bit too loudly when you inevitably have racist. Always the same schtick from him, really needs some fresh ideas to correct the lecturer when he forgets to close a bracket because your OCD will simply not let that shit fl y. You’re also as far away as In bed – similar to the stairs but you can get from the rest of the stu- you were smart enough to antici- Staying in watching the Young Apprentice dents, which is a good thing when pate the lack of derrière room. Be- on iPlayer, deciding just how inappropriate they inevitably get annoyed by your it is to be attracted to the girls (depend- sides, the notes are online and the ing on what year you’re in). Thanking Alan pedantry and paper planes start lecturer’s voice is the audiological Sugar for fi ring the most irritating ‘sales- coming your way. equivalent of watching paint dry man’ ever to walk this Earth. If these are ‘Excuse me, I would just like to ask on an overcast Sunday afternoon. the best future business minds in Britain, on behalf of the class’, and ‘What Who cares if you fail your degree? I predict a fi nancial crisis in 2030. would happen if...’ are your catch- Studying is for nerds. Hey, there’s phrases. Just so you know, your always the dole, mooching off inputs are about as helpful and parents, or heroin. Applicants need wanted as the barrage of careers pick only one option. Wait, you guys are my young apprentices? advice emails from that guy. The Evil Empire is truly fucked FELIX Friday 28 october 2011 39 HANGMAN

DRUNKEN MATE Horoscopes* OF THE WEEK *Believe them and your arse is mine. Louise Mensch, I hope you’re reading. Aries Taurus

You’ve slept badly. You should really So, it’s Issue 1499! The big 1499. That’s have had that shit before going to bed. right! Oh, wait, the Editor wants to keep You get up at 7am and drop the kids the build-up going until issue 1500. off at the pool. Ah, the satisfaction, the Wtf. Just because a number is suitably weightlessness. And then... Whiiirrrrrr... rounded, doesn’t make that issue any fucking fire alarm!! You’ll get a £100 different. Why not just wait until 1501? fine. Thankfully the shit was worth it. What a fucking dickwad. Gemini Cancer

What sort of person would hide behind Born on the 28 June? Blonde? Tory? an anonymous veil to write hatred drivel Well, this week, all will go badly for about other columnists? What a pathet- you unless you come to the Felix of- ic, sad person you must be. You vagina. fice and suck Hangman’s Cock (yes, it I fucking hate cowards. I also fucking is capitalised, cos it’s so huge). You do. hate Ken Livingstone, Lewis Hamilton, While saying something about hating and Diane Abbott. Go jump off a cliff. Dale Farm; it makes it more arousing.

The fetal position isn’t going to help you now you know. What would your parents say? Find out next week when they see the copies we sent them. It could be worse, guy-on-the-right, at least you’re wearing FCUK boxers – nice Leo Virgo

So, you walked out of the RSC’s pro- Just when I was running out of wank duction of Marat/Sade. You couldn’t material, not only does Louise appear take the nudity or torture. Come to the on TV, Gaddafi goes and gets shot. And HANGMAN titanic (n.) Felix office at 1am this Saturday and I’ll there’s footage of it! Nothing beats a 1. What your penis defi nitely isn’t, show you a proper bit of Shakespeare. dead dictator wank. Recall Saddam’s as evidenced by your ability to wear I’ll shake my spear at you, sir1. death erection? Nothing quite like a DICTIONARY skinny jeans that belong on a girl. [1] Line 42, Hamlet. Also, spear = cock2 post-mortem erection. Sexy. Jeans are too tight when they begin [2] Page 32, York Notes Guide to Hamlet MISINFORMING IMPERIAL SINCE 1984 castrating you, just FYI. Libya Scorpio 2. Your mate, who gets told by her friends that her lovely blue eyes are her best asset. Should do some sport. To the powers that be: we want a tour to This is made up. Don’t tell Mystic Will swallow, if only for the calories. Libya. We need a translator, bullet proof Meg, she’ll have to go back to sucking vests, helmets, a crazy taxi driver, and a cock for heroin. I have a particular hate 3. “Doing a Titanic” - getting 2,223 phrase book. And Gaddafi’s gold plated against you this week. You fucking, arse people to go down on you. Getting hit balls. Imagine the Features we could wipe disgrace of an excuse for a human by an iceberg is optional, not recom- do. We fucking dedicated a horoscope being. I want to pluck your pubic region mended but bloody spiffi ng banter. to you. Go on. hair by hair. And sterilise it with whisky. Sagittarius Capricorn careers advisor (n.) beard (n.) 1. Person who is unable to get a proper 1. The ultimate sign of either manliness job and whose prime role is to ironi- or laziness. Go ahead, shave the mous- I never found Have I Got News for Apparently the Student Union cally suggest career paths to spotty- tache to convince yourself that it’s the You any good. And then I saw Louise President at Liverpool University didn’t faced undergraduates. former. Now you look like a member of Mensch on it. Google her, she’s fit. She appreciate our Cancer horoscope last System of a Down. could mensch my cock. Nothing beats a week. He thinks he represents the views 2. Proof that people who can’t take fit, obnoxious Tory. Except for my cock. of all students. advice always seem to be the best at 2. “Bear’d”: a popular Russian Punk’d Who’d have guessed BBC 1 9pm on a Well, we think he should go fuck dishing it out - see also Your Mum (n.) spin-off where an Ashton Kutcher look- Friday was perfect wank bank material? himself. alike sets a bear on unwitting Russian 3. Person you should never ask celebrities, with hilarious and fatal con- for careers advice. They will stop sequences. Why do you think nobody’s Aquarius Pisces you seeking your dreams or doing heard from the t.A.T.u. twins recently? anything unrelated to your degree or banking. This is because they lack all 3. The one thing you should never see Last week we cracked a joke about latte THIS IS FUCKING ATROCIOUS. US- imagination. on a girl. Seriously, I once saw a girl drinking socialists in this space. Louise ING EMOTICONS IN THE HORO- who apparently neglected her face dur- Mensch must have seen it. She used SCOPES!!! While I’m at it, can we 4. One level above unemployed on the ing exams and looked like a yeti by the the joke on HIGNFY. It bombed like please STOP having fucking religious career ladder. With added pity. end of the term. an enthusiastic NATO ‘peacekeeper’. pieces in the comment section. NO We’re sorry. Our jokes aren’t that well ONE GIVES A FUCK. Let’s just all be thought out. Can we make it up to you ;) friends. Now, suck my balls. 40 Friday 28 october 2011 FELIX

Puzzles Editors: James Hook

PUZZLES [email protected]

Last Week’s Solutions 1 2 3 4 5 5 6 7 8 Quick(ish) Crossword 9 Slitherlink 10 11 10 2 332 32 Across Down 3 1 2 1123 1. Inquiry inviting a reply (8) 1. Amount (8) 3 3 1 23 5. Batter cake; ramble (6) 2. Give a detailed statement 1112 12 13 15 of (7) 1 2 23 2 10. Any of various poplar trees; west Colorado city (5) 3. Pacifi c archipelago (5) 2 2 2 2 11. Waiterless restaurant (9) 4. Plant with showy fl owers (6) 2 2 12. Very large ocean wave (7) 6. Strong feeling of dislike (9) 141316 1417 15 18 16 1915 2016 2 3 3 3 13. Marry (7) 7. Rule or principle (maths) (7) 1 022 14. Boredom (6) 8. Tooth coating (6) 17 16 1821 322 3 1 1 2 16. Receptacle for cigarette 9. Breach of the law (7) 1722 19 20 23 1824 19 21 25 22 2 3 remnants (7) 15. Female escort (9) 19. Shooting with a bow (7) 17. (Meat of) the chest of an 23 19 24 21. Harp player (6) animal (7) Film Strip 25. Lone bone of the forelimb (7) 18. Male horse (8) 262520 21 26 2722 23 1. The Green Mile 2. Black Swan 3. The Blues 26. Most desirable (7) 20. Unrestrained (7) Brothers 4. The Colour Purple 5. A Clockwork 28. Policy of racial segregation (9) 22. Extremely large or great (7) Orange Theme: Colours 29. Where Moses received the 10 23. Prevent from accomplish- 2824 25 29 commandments (5) ing (6) Nonogram 30. To sway as if about to fall (6) 24. It’s used during sex... (6) 31. Th e highest reaches of heaven 27. ...Delicious!!! (5) 1 1 3 1 3 (8) 2630 31 2 4 4 4 6 3 3 2 2 2 3 4 5 2 3 4 2 2 3 2 2 3 5 4 4 5 3 2 3

3 2 3 4 2 SLITHERLINK Nonogram - Aerial Escape 4 3 4 2 3 333 33 2 3 6 1 1 3 2 2 3 3 3 2 2 2 2 1 2 2 1 2 1 1 3 2 1 2 2 1 4 2 2 1 7 6 4 2 2 2 4 1 4 1 1 1 2 1 2 3 2 3 2 0 2 1 5 5 4 5 1 6 7 13 2 2 2 5 2 2 3 4 4 1 3 2 1 3 2 2 3 1 1 1 Crosswords 211 2 3 6 2 1 1 QUICK(ish) - Across 1. Bachelor Party 9. Ethic 10. Re- 2 232 1 imburse 11. Dielectric 12. Tsar 14. Noticed 16. Genu- 2 2 ine 17. Blanket 19. Chimera 20. Team 21. Troubadour 24. Eagerness 25. Ovals 26. Retrogression Down 1. 1122 1 Bread and Butter 2. Cohoe 3. Eccles Cake 4. Oersted 5 5. Pairing 6. Robs 7. Yorkshire 8. George Harrison 13. 1 3 2 1 Indicators 15. Trafalgar 18. Torpedo 19. Cruiser 22. 7 Okapi 23. Fret 3 3 3 2 2 CRYPTIC - Across 1. Overpass 5. Belted 9. Cac 10. Isaac Asimov 12. Phenomenon 13. Flat 15. Let Off 1 1 1 1 16. Samurai 18. Drachma 20. Xeroma 23. Also 24. 3 1 Stumpiness 26. Crown Prince 27. Tie 28. Dodgem 29. Army Worm Down 1. Occupy 2. Excrete 3. Philosophy ChessSoc Chess 1 3 4. State of Matter 6. Easy 7. Tumbler 8. Dovetail 11. 3 Cross Examiner 14. Embroidery 17. Advanced 19. Abscond 21. Maestro 22. Esteem 25. Ante

Cryptogram FUCWIT The Felix University/ “Many people want the government to protect League Leader Board College-Wide Invitational the consumer. A much more urgent problem is to TTeams:eams: Tournament League is protect the consumer from the government” - Milton new and improved, with Friedman Elbowfart 18 prizes for both the win- ning team and the winning Chess The Jailbaits 18 individual. Solution from 2 weeks ago: White wins the black queen with the following combination: 1. Bxf7+!! IIndividuals:ndividuals: Nxf7 2. Qh7+ Kf8 3. Ne6+ Send your solutions to: Last week: 1. Bxh7+! Kxh7 (...Kh8 2.Qh5 a5 3. Jeremy Neale 23 [email protected] Bg6+ Kg8 4. Qh7#) 2. Qh5+ Kg8 3. Bxg7! Kxg7 (... for points galore! f5 4. Qg6! Rf7 5. Bf6+ Kf8 6. Qh6+ Kg8 7. Qh8#) Wael Aljeshi 16 4. Qg4+ Kh8 (...Kf6 5. Qg5#) 5. Rh3+ Bh4 6. Rxh4# 1-0 FELIX Friday 28 October 2011 41 SPORT Imperial Wolverines hunt down Bronze Fencing: girls go top Alan Soltani best team. back up and had a few minutes to Dodgeball In this match Scott ‘beef generator’ prepare before the best-of-7 3rd / 4th ...Continued from back page had won 45-25, leading to the overall On Sunday 23th October, the Imperial Esnouf and Wolverine of the tourna- playoff – the battle for bronze. As if it top-5 in the UK, the match isn’t too result 123-96. Wolverines enjoyed an unexpected 3rd ment Thomas ‘The Doctor’ Peake was written in the stars, the team star- easy and Imperial wins with the not By this time, it was only two match- place fi nish in the 16 team South Coast excelled. These two pulled off some ing at us 50 feet away was none other massive margin 45-43, which still es left before the minibus could return Open, butchering some of the countries clinical counter-attacking moves com- than the always angry Minotaurs. In brings them to an overall victory of to London. Cambridge scored many best dodgeball teams on the way. plimented by a great catching display the fi rst game, the Minotaurs cheekily 135-81. Next opponent is Oxford, hits but never really threatened, epee The wolverine-pack started the day by ‘Big Al’ Soltani and the ever in- left out their two best players and were the match that matters. The girls are ended 45-42 and the match 135-74 slowly with lone wolf Quang ‘throw fallible, inscrutable and irrepressible duly punished. With the court volume aware of what’s ahead and gear up for overall. Queen Mary saw themselves with a bang’ Hui missing the train and Adam ‘Ash’ Cutmore. The wolverine- rising, Imperial ground out a 2-1 lead, a tough fi ght. About an hour later, the defeated by 45-31, the overall score team Captain Alan ‘sensei’ Soltani re- pack posted a 3-1 win against JD and needing 2 more games for bronze. The Imperial team is standing there look- landing at 135-63, and it was fi nally covering from his nocturnal lifestyle. progressed into the semi-fi nal where next game defi ned controversial. Alan ing at each other, wondering what just time to go home. With the weekend The team had a harsh awakening they would meet a strong, well-rounded ‘Woody’ Soltani clearly hit a really happened. Oxford didn’t seem like fi nished, the team was very pleased against fi erce rivals and universally Southampton Pirates side. angry ginger dude on the foot and he they cared, they had barely tried to with another clean swipe and has now unpopular Minotaur Dodgeball. Impe- Here, Alan made the ingenious deci- proceeded to give the fi nger and refuse win. Instead it had been very easy for set the focus to the Championship rial lost 3-1 (matches are out of 5); a sion of bringing back on the big guns to go out. The Minotaurs got a taste of Alice, Emily and Charlotte and they knock-out match coming up. disappointing scoreline but a deserved of Luke ‘Andy Murray’ Barron - a ball their own medicine with the 30+ crowd win for the Minotaurs after taking us by magnet, and Quang ‘lucky charm’ Hui cheering every time one of them was surprise with some high quality play. who dodged like a champion, allow- eliminated. As the whistle sounded, The Wolverines soon bounced back ing the rest of the team and especially the referees had decided the game was recording two comfortable 5-0 victories Doctor Peake to execute a good hitting drawn but after much Minotaur moan- against Southampton Buckaneers and game. Imperial raced to a 3-1 scoreline ing the decision was overturned. 2-2. Portsmouth Purple Cobras C. Dodge- needing just one more game to make Imperial remained unfazed. The team ball pin up Steve ‘Chabal’ Ndumbe it into the fi nal. Unfortunately, the had caught the scent of a lesser beast stood about for most of each game Southampton Pirates, one of the nicest in their nostrils. In the next two games, and then pulled off some expert pres- teams around, just didn’t know when to the well organised, gargantuan Impe- sure catching and funky court moves, lie down and get ball battered. Out of rial side fl ourished, obliterating the playing majestically in the last thirty nothing, they fought back to a 4-3 win. Minotaurs. Doctor Peake making some seconds of each game. The Imperial Imperial dropped to their knees as the magical, uncharacteristic catches. 4-2. Wolverines eventuallly made it into the team narrowly missed out on their fi rst A bronze medal fi nish. The celebra- quarter-fi nals where they would face ever fi nal...heart-breaking stuff. tions were wild. This was dodgeballing the Jammy Dodgers - Britain’s second The Wolverines picked themselves heaven - a true underdog story.

About two seconds after this photo was taken, they got out the retractable claws - way better than wrenches Fencing against a backdrop of cinderblocks. That’s Cambridge for you

Interested in sport? Drop by the offi ce or email us: We need contributors! [email protected] 42 Friday 28 October 2011 FELIX Sports Editors: Indy Leclercq David Wilson SPORT [email protected] Felix Sports League Record results for Surfsoc ...where do you stand? Thom Utley airhorn was then used for its proper purpose a long wait, Julius Klein and Thom Utley were Surfi ng for the fi rst time ever as 4 surfers practiced cheered on by the rest of the club in almost per- competing against one another for 15 minutes, fect conditions but were unable to match the Every October, the fi rst BUCS event of the which is very short time as we would all learn! high qualifying standard. Everyone then piled Team P W D L F A Diff Index year occurs in Newquay, where over 300 surf- After a long session, the team returned to the into the surf to enjoy a chilled session that was ers from around the UK battle to be crowned competition campsite; everyone then chipped cut short by a nasty fi n slash on Elliot’s ankle 1 Fencing W1 9 9 0 0 1210 607 603 5.00 champions. The event is a hectic mix of epic in for a team dinner and had a friendly game of resulting in some brutal looking stitches. The 2 Fencing M1 10 10 0 0 1229 919 310 5.00 surfi ng and socialising and is the only competi- poker before another early night. team then considerately left Hendrik to sleep 3 Table Tennis M2 11 11 0 0 156 31 125 5.00 tion the club can enter - so for everyone who is The competition started on Friday morning and prepare for the second round the next day 4 Water Polo W1 8 7 1 0 102 24 78 4.63 involved it’s the only chance we get for glory! with everyone due to compete that day. After by spending the night in the infamous Sailors 5 Volleyball M1 11 10 0 1 22 4 18 4.18 This year the club has invested in more train- registering, everyone watched the conditions club in Newquay to celebrate a successful day. 6 Volleyball W1 11 10 0 1 21 4 17 4.18 ing time in Newquay to try and improve our closely and discussed tactics, mind games and Everyone made it down to the beach the next 7 Basketball M1 12 10 0 2 917 735 182 3.50 performance and with encouraging weather ways to make bails look like attempted airs. morning to cheer in Hendrik who was unfor- 8 ICSM Netball W1 12 10 0 2 493 312 181 3.50 forecasts our team of 8 was eager to jump in The fi rst round consisted of 15 minute heats of tunate not to get through his second round 9 Lacrosse M1 11 9 0 2 154 85 69 3.36 the bus early on Wednesday morning and get 5 surfers, with the top 2 progressing to the next heat. The team then all enjoyed a free sports 10 Tennis M1 12 9 1 2 84 60 24 3.25 in the water! Unfortunately, Surfsoc legend round. Independent judges watch each surfer massage courtesy, and once again headed out 11 Table Tennis M1 12 9 1 2 84 60 14 3.25 Serkan had other plans and ensured the team and score each wave caught out of 10, each to enjoy the excellent conditions without the 12 Basketball W1 9 7 0 2 464 348 116 3.00 departed 2 hours late. surfers 2 best waves being counted. pressure of competition. After an awesome day 13 Netball W1 13 10 0 3 546 367 179 2.92 When we fi nally arrived in Newquay, ev- Khalil Rhazaoui was fi rst to compete for and many dubious photos, the team returned to 14 Squash W1 11 8 0 3 31 12 19 2.55 eryone changed into wetsuits and hit the surf! Imperial and was unlucky not to progress after the campsite for the closing party. 15 Hockey M1 12 8 1 3 46 25 21 2.50 Strong onshore winds and messy conditions failing to back up a good fi rst wave score and Sunday dawned with sore heads for every- 16 Rugby M1 14 10 0 4 344 191 153 2.43 made for a frustrating session but everyone came third. John “Jerkin” Mcguckin and Elliot one and after a quick freesurf at Whipsiderry 17 Hockey W1 13 9 0 4 67 24 43 2.23 was pleased to blow the cobwebs of the long “Sharkbait” Taylor were then in simultaneous beach everyone watched Super Gordon Fon- 18 Lacrosse W1 9 6 0 3 110 64 46 2.00 journey away. We then checked into with our heats and also both came close to qualifying taine from Bournemouth win the competition 19 Table Tennis W1 6 4 0 2 20 10 10 2.00 old friends at Newquay Backpackers and head- but were ousted on a split points decision by for the third consecutive year with impressive 20 ICSM Football M1 9 5 1 3 28 18 10 1.67 ed out for a team building meal and an early the judges, similar to last year! Dario Mazza turns and airs. The team then assisted Surfers 21 ICSM Hockey W1 20 10 3 7 54 48 6 1.40 night. then put in a solid performance complete with Against Sewage with a beach clean before the 22 ICSM Rugby M3 10 6 0 4 252 266 -14 1.40 Thursday gave everyone a chance to hone claims but was up against two Cornwall locals last team lunch and journey home. 23 Football M1 13 7 1 5 34 20 14 1.31 their skills on the competition wave and prac- and also eventually fi nished third in his heat. The competition was great fun for everyone with 24 Badminton W1 13 7 1 5 44 60 -16 1.31 tice surfi ng heats, which is very different to the Adam “Hardcore” Harvey and Hendrik “Hero” the blessing of good conditions and good banter, 25 Hockey M2 12 5 3 4 22 26 -4 1.25 free surfi ng we’re used to. The team were up Frentrup were then also in simultaneous heats. everyone had a weekend to remember and hope- 26 Football W1 7 4 0 3 19 19 0 1.14 early and were rewarded with excellent early Hendrik managed to qualify despite a dubious fully next year the team can perform even better! 27 Tennis W1 7 4 0 3 42 42 0 1.14 morning conditions of 3-4 foot clean swell interference, which was fantastic news and Interested in surfi ng? Get in touch: 28 ICSM Hockey M3 7 4 0 3 11 27 -16 1.14 with the occasional barrel. The famous Surfsoc made everyone in the team very happy. After [email protected] . Everybody is welcome! 29 Netball W3 9 5 0 4 291 217 74 1.00 30 Hockey M3 11 4 3 4 17 13 4 0.91 31 Badminton M1 11 4 3 4 44 44 0 0.91 32 Fencing M2 10 5 0 4 1122 1128 -6 0.90 33 ICSM Hockey M1 10 5 0 5 25 20 5 0.50 34 Netball W2 12 6 0 6 445 483 -38 0.50 35 Badminton M2 10 4 1 5 43 37 6 0.20 36 ICSM Hockey M2 11 3 3 5 19 29 -10 0.09 37 ICSM Netball W2 11 5 0 6 341 360 -19 0.09 38 Squash M4 6 2 1 3 8 7 1 0.00 39 Ice Hockey M1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0.00 40 ICSM Football M3 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0.00 41 Lacrosse W2 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0.00 42 ICSM Football M2 5 2 0 3 14 16 -2 -0.40 43 Fencing W2 10 4 0 6 1142 1170 -28 -0.40 44 Fencing M3 10 4 0 6 1146 1201 -55 -0.40 45 Football M3 11 3 2 6 22 30 -8 -0.45 46 ICSM Badminton W1 9 2 2 5 32 46 -14 -0.67 Seven guys, six surfboards and what looks like a large banana It’s not Hawaii, but hey - Newquay comes pretty close 47 ICSM Badminton M1 10 3 1 6 24 56 -32 -0.70 48 Squash M3 9 3 0 6 17 26 -9 -1.00 49 Tennis M2 10 2 2 6 40 79 -39 -1.00 50 Hockey W2 12 3 1 8 13 41 -28 -1.25 Hockey: Men’s 2s victorious against Roehampton 51 ICSM Rugby M1 11 2 1 8 144 427 -283 -1.82 52 Water Polo M1 3 0 1 2 23 30 -7 -2.00 ...Continued from back page up fi ring straight down the middle. Thankfully played possession hockey. The breakthrough 53 ICSM Rugby M2 12 2 1 9 200 438 -238 -2.00 Roehampton somehow manufacture a three- the Roehampton goalie had decided to dive moment came after ten minutes of the second 54 Rugby M2 14 3 0 11 194 356 -162 -2.07 on-one attacking move at the half way line and and padded the ball down and into the goal, half when a ball was smashed into the Roe- 55 ICSM Hockey W3 5 1 0 4 4 17 -13 -2.20 as they started to break towards our goal it was making it 2-0. We went in at half time having hampton circle and promptly defl ected into the 56 ICSM Hockey W2 10 2 0 8 21 42 -21 -2.20 looking like we were certain to concede. Luck- probably played the best half of hockey ever, top left hand corner by Teabag who was lurk- 57 Rugby M3 10 2 0 8 71 357 -286 -2.20 ily, our last defender was Tinkerbell who deftly our goalie James had not even had to face a ing in front of the goalie. 58 Hockey M4 11 2 0 9 15 32 -17 -2.36 stole the ball from the three of them as the Roe- single shot at goal. B. Man Briggs’ team talk, At 3-0 we started cruising and were duly pun- 59 ICSM Badminton M2 6 1 0 5 16 32 -16 -2.50 hampton striker was about to pull the trigger. though, ensured that our feet were still on the ished. A stray ball from midfi eld was pounced 60 Squash M2 12 2 0 10 16 44 -28 -2.50 Between our two centre-backs Ünterbrøw ground. on by the Roehampton striker and they scored 61 Rugby M4 8 1 0 7 59 325 -266 -2.88 and Tinkerbell and some assured ball distribu- We weren’t quite fi nished toying with Roe- a breakaway goal. 62 Football M2 12 1 0 11 14 36 -22 -3.25 tion by holding midfi elder Yellow Bag we con- hampton. Their frustration was clearly begin- Not to be outdone by this, ICHC restarted 63 Squash M1 7 0 0 7 5 30 -25 -4.00 stantly threatened their circle. After a shot was ning to show as attack after attack was being play with a fl ourish. A run from Strap-on down 64 ICSM Netball W3 9 0 0 9 186 352 -166 -4.00 blocked on the goal-line by a Roehampton foot crisply cleaned up by our team. Each time the the left set up Teabag to get his second goal of 65 ICSM Netball W3 7 0 0 7 134 257 -123 -4.00 we were awarded a penalty fl ick. Up stepped ball was recycled, we switched from defense to the game. It fi nished with ICHC worthy win- 5 points for a win | 2 points for a draw | -4 points for a loss Yellow Bag who eyed up the bottom left hand offense very quickly, and through the sterling ners and with extremely bright prospects for corner, but in a moment of confusion ended effort of our new left-back Soggy Biscuit we the season ahead, and, dare I say it, promotion? FELIX Friday 28 October 2011 43 SPORT Cryptic Crossword 1,499

Club Captain Interview: 1 2 3 4 5 5 6 7 8

Snooker 9 10 10

Essential info: 11 12 12 13 15 Elwin Carlos, 20

141316 1417 18 15 1915 2016

16 21 Plays snooker left-handed 1722 18 23 1824 1920 19 25 20

21 22

2 years of competitive snooker 262220 21 22 23 24

25

3rd year Physics student 2524 26 25 27

2628 29 Likes: freshly-ironed snooker tables Dislikes: the general lack of female Across Down snooker players 1. Drug increase, this slows down trip? (5,4) 1. Settled in smooth fabric (5) 6. Chav love mayhem! (5) 2. Intrinsic nature of church below Eastern 9. Time matters making animals or plants rising headland (7) Indy Leclercq BUCS nationals events in March: the in the team. We also have an internal with these (7) 3. Betray, getting angry again and again (6,5) Sports Editor twenty-odd university teams participat- league in which members compete for 10. French chemist or holy man, it is heard 4. Advantage of lob, perhaps (6) ing are divided into four groups. The the prestige of being the best player in (7) 5. Manipulation of little dog with exercise We continue our Club Captains inter- top two of each group qualify for the the club.” 11. Holy woman forming new United lesson attempt (8) view series this week with a sport that Championship knockout tournament, On top of that, ICU Snooker now Nations (3) 6. “Hello, sir!” starts to belong to man (3) many people have heard about or even while the third and fourth-placed teams has a professional coach coming in for 12. Mucking around, you lent one’s cartoons 7. Funny native male in Asian country (7) seen on television but that tends to keep the fi rst time in their history. “We’ve (6,5) 8. Cocoon has lyrics adapted (9) a low profi le amongst Imperial’s sports brought in Patsy Fagan. He was the 14. Plunder woolly coat (6) 13. Drive for extreme Rastafarianism in clubs - snooker. UK champion in 1977 and is an ex- 15. Near fundamental oxygen contained (8) believer, one making stuffed animals (11) Elwin Carlos, a third year physicist, is Our aim this year is world number 11 – he comes down to 17. 12 points for ward containing strategy for 14. Poor kid! Flower research in natural this year’s ICU Snooker club president. our club on Thursday nights to help us businessman (8) environment (9) We meet in Beit quad for the interview, to break into the top improve our skills,” says Elwin enthu- 19. Stupid people identify moon before Eliot 16. 10 years of books is self-indulgent (8) and he turns up in full matchday attire - siastically. What, then, does it take to (6) 18. Gift here? (7) waistcoat, bow tie and all. He takes me eight, and compete be a good snooker player? The snook- 22. Cap I follow following fallow, for 20. Peculiar orange, nothing but mint (7) up to the third fl oor of the union, where er president smiles knowingly at this: example (11) 21. Located in Macedonia, Southern stadium the snooker rooms reside, to conduct the with the ‘big’ teams “it takes a few weeks to pick up the 23. Gobble down tea unconventionally (3) stand with jellied eels initially below (6) interview and take some pictures. basics, how to hold a cue, how pot a 25. Perform great musical work, nearly ten! 24. Time for this place, that place (5) The rooms are impressive, boast- “ ball...but to go from that to being able (7) 26. One of all possibilities, one unknown (3) ing four full-sized tables - which are a compete for the Trophy. to make big breaks, it just takes hours 27. Victorian feasted upon mammal (7) lot bigger in real life than on BBC2. I Elwin is clear about the club’s ob- and hours of practice.” 28. Small cat with equipment. Thank you! point this out, and Elwin smiles. “Most jective for this season: “At the mo- I gather that Elwin has been put- (5) people tend to be surprised about how ment our fi rst team is ranked 9th in ting the hours in at the table, then. I 29. The key to beating the dealer? (6-3) much the television shrinks the tables the country. Our aim this year is to ask him how he got into snooker, and - it’s all camera angles”. The whole break into the top eight” and compete it turns out that he really came into place seems to be a pretty well-guarded with the ‘big’ teams: Cardiff, York, his ball-pocketing stride at Imperial: secret, but Elwin wants more people to Manchester, Southampton, Warwick, “From a young age I’ve always been come along. “We organize beginners’ QUB, Nottingham and Kent. We have interested in snooker, but before Im- The snooker club also sends an frame.” Duly noted. He also tells me coaching sessions on Tuesday nights, so two or three guys capable of making perial it only went as far as having a 8-ball pool team to the BUCS cham- that the club organizes free trips to Ri- people can come along and discover the big breaks, so I think we have a pretty small table from Argos in my garage pionships - something of a revival, leys Victoria, a local pool hall, every sport, even if they’ve never held a cue good shot this year.” He sounds con- and practicing on my own or with my apparently. I ask what the main dif- week. before”. He offers to let me shoot some vincing, and I’m inclined to believe brother. I only started taking it seri- ferences are; surely a team of snooker Any parting thoughts? Half-jok- balls, but I decline - I would defi nitely that they’ll manage this year after ously when I got here – I was a com- players have the required skills to ingly, half-seriously he breaks into a need some coaching fi rst! coming so close in previous editions. plete amateur when I arrived. In two compete in pool? smile: “Sometimes it feels like I’m We begin the interview proper, and I This prompts the question, though: years I’ve gone from struggling to pot “Ah, sure, the skill set is very simi- sacrifi cing my degree to play snook- start by asking about the snooker club’s what does preparation for the BUCS about 2 balls in a row to potting 20 lar but in terms of tactics there are er.” Is it worth it? “Defi nitely.” recent achievements. “We’re currently tournament involve? balls in succession, which I managed some important differences. In pool ICU Snooker can be contacted at defending BUCS Trophy champions, “We just had team trials last week, for the fi rst time a couple of weeks you need to be slightly more careful [email protected]. For more infor- having won the second-tier competition which we use to gauge the standard of ago.” Although all sports take prac- about where your cue ball ends up af- mation visit union.ic.ac.uk/snooker. of the BUCS Snooker Championships the new people at the club. However, tice, the facilities at Imperial seem ter a shot. You have to be careful in Yearly membership is £25 and in- for the past two years”. seeing as we only have the BUCS pretty top-notch, and it’s pretty easy snooker too but with pool, being reck- cludes daily access to the snooker The snooker season revolves around tournament in the second term, who- to come and play a few frames during less will often lead to your opponent rooms, free beginners’ coaching and one tournament held as part of the ever is playing best at the time will be lunchtime - with or without a bow tie. potting 6 or 7 balls in a row to win a free pool sessions. SPORTISSUE 1499 28.10.11

Winning start for Hockey Surf’s up! Men’s 2s

Jason Ye Hockey Imperial surfers venture down to the Men’s 2s 4-1 Roehampton 1s After the abysmal performance in the preseason friendly against UCL, the BUCS nationals in Newquay to tackle Men’s 2s regrouped and approached their fi rst competitive match of the sea- son in a whole new light. the waves Roehampton University’s Men’s 1s provided the opposition who joined this league from the one above after be- ing relegated last season. Arguably this Page 42 made them the team to beat if we were to push for promotion. The short trip from South Kensington to Roehamp- ton’s home pitch at the Bank of England Sports Ground would have been smooth sailing, if it were not for Yellow Bag’s inability to follow basic directions around Hammersmith Roundabout . Armed with a new defensive strategy and formation and two new additions to the side -Fresher Oli and a guest ap- pearance by Teabag of the Men’s 3rd Team - we started the game briskly. Some weaving runs on the right by Resounding wins for women’s fencing Dirty Whaler culminated in a extreme- ly arrogant aerial ball down the line to Fresher Danny who shimmied past the Roehampton left-back and proceeded to Charlotte Levin ed their journey to Cambridge. With Bryars were to start it all off. First match Imperial has lost in a year’s hit the ball across the circle to Strap-on Fencing a great season behind (BUCS Cham- match is Cambridge, and despite the time. who was waiting to tap it into the open pions with only victories in the score girls not having had any time for a Sunday arrives, with sabre on piste goal. Women’s 1st 135-74 Cambridge 1st sheet), confi dence, expectations and proper warm up, they dance through fi rst. Zoe and Hannah continue and 1-0 up and looking solid at the back, Women’s 1st 123-96 Oxford 1st eager to perform were very high. Not it with the fi nal score 45-5. Positively Alice is swapped for Clare Harding. our new defensive press allowed us to Women’s 1st 135-81 ULU 1st even a traffi c jam due to closed mo- puzzled, they continue by winning Clare has had to wake up hourly dur- get all our players behind the ball and torway being partly closed resulting in against Queen Mary 45-11 and the ing the night for medical reasons, force Roehampton’s heads down. After Women’s 1st 135-63 Queen Mary 1st 2h delay would bring them down! new comers UCL 45-14. Last match but with the combination of caffeine a while they started dribbling up their The schedule was done so that the was Oxford, a team that turned out to and adrenaline nothing can stop her. own arses and we were able to break fi rst third of each match, foil, would be a greater challenge than expected. The three girls show no respect to their attacks down one by one before IC Fencing Women’s 1st maintain be fenced on Saturday, followed by It’s an even match at the start, the lead the other teams and crush Cambridge they even made it to our shooting circle. their position as number 1. sabre and epee, the other two weap- swaying back and forth, but towards with 45-27, UCL 45-24, Oxford with Twenty minutes into the fi rst half saw Early on Saturday morning, Imperi- ons, on Sunday. This meant that Zoe the end Oxford pulls themselves to- al Fencing’s Women’s fi rst team start- Robinson, Alice Mitchell and Hannah gether and wins 45-33, the fi rst foil ...Continued on Page 41 ...Continued on Page 42 SCIENCE BUSINESS FASHION GAMES TRAVEL

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