“Keep the Cat Free” ISSUE 1509 FELIX 03.02.12 The student voice of Imperial College London since 1949 THE EXHIBITION ROAD OPENING Boris Johnson marks the offi cial unveiling ceremony: Pages 5 and 6

Fewer COMMENT students ACADEMIC ANGER apply to university OVERJOURNALS

Imperial suffers 0.1% THOUSANDS TO REFUSE WORK RELATED TO PUBLISHER Controversial decrease from 2011 OVER PROFIT-MAKING TACTICS material on drugs Alexander Karapetian to 2012 Page 12 Alex Nowbar PAGE 3

There has been a fall in university appli- cations for 2012 entry, Universities and Colleges Admissions Service (UCAS) ARTS statistics have revealed. Referred to as a “headline drop of 7.4% in applicants” by UCAS Chief Executive Mary Curnock Cook, the newly published data includes all applications that met the 15 January equal-consideration deadline. Imperial College received 14,375 applications for 2012 entry, down from 14,397 for 2011, a 0.1% decrease. Increased fees appear to have taken a toll. Towards the end of 2011 preliminary fi gures had indicated a 12.9% drop in To Bee or not to Bee university applications in comparison to the same time last year. Less marked but in Soho still signifi cant, 7.4% fewer applications were received for this cycle. Consider- Page 18 ing applications from England UCAS describes the true fi gures: “In England application rates for 18 year olds have decreased by around one percentage point in 2012 compared to a trend of in- creases of around one per cent annually HANGMAN ...Continued on Page 3 TEDx COMES TO IMPERIAL: Hangman gets a renovation PAGE 4 Page 39 2 Friday 03 february 2012 FELIX HIGHLIGHTS What’s on PICK OF THE WEEK CLASSIFIEDS This week at ICU Cinema Fashion for men. Crazy, I know Dell Latitude E6410 laptop for sale Windows® 7 Professional (64Bit) with Resource Head over to the Union next week for ICU Cinema’s DVD. 500GB hard drive, 4GB memory. latest line-up, including Tyrannosaur, Paddy Consi- Includes carrying case, 3 year warranty, back- dine’s fi rst feature fi lm. lit keyboard, dual back cover (blue and grey) and On Thursday, in association with Imperial Pilots’ 9-cell (90Wh) Lithium Ion high capacity battery Club, Tom Cruise will take to the screen in the with Express Charge 1986 smash hit Top Gun, featuring aerial acrobat- For more information, contact Vinay Gupta at vi- ics and some serious male volleyball. [email protected]

We occasionally try to be a little responsible, but when it comes to classifi ed ads, we’re defi nitely not Tyrannosaur: Tue, Thurs – 18:30 responsible for goods and services rendered. £3 members / £4 non-members Top Gun (in association with Not featuring this kind of suit, or Robert Downey Jr. Sort it out Pilots’ Club): Thurs – 20:30 It’s taken a term and a bit, but it looks like £2 members / £3 non-members Campus Weather the Fashion Editors have fi nally taken one Union Concert Hall, crazy leap and dedicated their section to Summary: it’s really cold Floor 2, Imperial College Union, male fashion. This week’s Fashion Section South Kensington (Pages 30 and 31) features a full-on guide to men’s suits. Right on. Take on interviews! Dress to impress! That is, if your loan is still holding up... Editor TAKE SEX Lolcat of teh week THE SURVEY FELIX

Let’s just say that, so far, our sample size is a little bigger than last year. If you haven’t yet con- tributed towards our (entirely anonymous) survey, you’d better hurry – there’s only one week left to take part. You can do it over the phone as well, just scan the handy QR code to the left. If you Tom Cruise hasn’t aged in 26 YEARS prefer a more hands-on approach, head over to felixonline.co.uk/sexsurvey and get answering!

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by Iliffe Print Cambridge, Winship Road, Cambridge. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. FELIX Copyright © Felix 2012.

Editor-in-Chief Matthew Colvin Deputy Editor Charles Betts News Editors Sophia David Alex Nowbar Reporters Carol Ann Cheah Alexander Karapetian Philip Kent Keir Little Maciej Matuszewski Aemun Reza Features Editors Katy Bettany Stephen Smith Sports Editors Indy Leclercq David Wilson Sports Rookies Gabriel Oppetit Johnny Wong Science Editors Kelly Oakes Alexander Karapetian Politics Editors Rajat Jain Joseph Letts Business Editors Beñat Gurrutxaga Lerma Nina Kearsey Technology Editors Chris Bowers Feroz Salam Comment Editors Tim Arbabzadah Samuel Horti Arts Editors Will Prince Eva Rosenthal Music Editors Íñigo Martínez De Rituerto Stephen Smith Fashion Editors Saskia Verhagen Alice Yang Television Editors George Barnett James Simpson Film Editors John Park Lucy Wiles Games Editor Laurence Pope Books Editor Maciej Matuszewski Food Editors Anastasia Eleftheriou Michael Krestas Home & Garden Editors Tim Arbabzadah Charles Betts Navid Nabijou Travel Editors Dushi Arumuganesan Chris Richardson Online Editors Chris Birkett Philip Kent Jonathan Kim Puzzles Captain James Hook Photo Editor Miles Robertson Copy Editors Veli Akiner Carol Ann Cheah Iulia Gherman Philip Kent Ravi Pall Jonathan Peek Deepka Rana Annina Sartor FELIX Friday 03 february 2012 3 News Editors: Sophia David Alex Nowbar [email protected] NEWS Academics to boycott Drop in applications Elsevier journals to Imperial Christian Richters Alexander Karapetian Carol Ann Cheah Philip Kent

Following a damning blog post by Cam- bridge mathematician Professor Tim Gowers, nearly 3,000 academics have signed an online pledge to cease all work Imperial saw a 0.1% decrease in applications from 2011 to 2012 with Elsevier, a Dutch journal publishing house responsible for many publications including The Lancet. ...Continued from Front Page we have a generous fi nancial support Elsevier have come under frequent crit- Academics have voiced their disapproval with Elsevier’s methods since 2006”. Predictably in the current package so that the costs of studying are icism for their business practices, includ- economic climate, there was a greater not a barrier to students joining us, and ing issues regarding the journal Chaos, decrease in applications from the 21-24 we are working to ensure that message Solitons & Fractals, which is regarded as unveiled at a similar time to 31 donations that this was a matter for lecturers, say- age group than from school-leavers. reaches prospective students as they start a “joke” by many mathematicians. They from Elsevier and connected persons to ing, “All researchers should think care- Unfortunately the number of applica- to consider their options post A-Level.” also admitted to publishing six “fake” members of the US legislature. Elsevier fully about where they publish and for tions still exceeds the number of places Interestingly subscription to arts de- journals, existing purely to print articles were also prominent supporters of the whom they review. They are providing that are available in 2012. According to grees has been affected to a greater extent favourable to products by the drug giant SOPA and PIPA bills that were recently free resources and services, and they Cook’s statement “Applications are al- than the sciences. One could argue that Merck & Co. In 2009, the BBC also ac- shelved. should consider whether the companies ready 50,000 ahead of the number of ac- this goes some way in explaining why cused Elsevier of “shill reviewing” by Academics worldwide have expressed they publish with have values that are ceptances in 2011.” The fact that last year applications to Imperial have not suf- paying academics who contributed to a their anger at Elsevier by signing the aligned with those of the academy or UCAS received a further 116,000 appli- fered much. Imperial’s invariable appeal psychology book if they gave it 5 star re- pledge, with most ticking all three boxes not.” cations between January and the close of to overseas students may also be a con- views on popular book-selling websites. to say they will not publish, referee, or However, she did acknowledge that the cycle is further cause for concern. tributing factor as there was an increase The company later attributed this to an perform editorial work on any Elsevier the costs of Elsevier journals have been Pro-Rector (Education) Professor Julia in the number of applications from appli- employee error. journal. a problem, with concern over the charg- Buckingham said of the decrease: “We cants outside the EU of 13.7% (although However, Professor Gowers’ post In a statement to Felix, Imperial math- es and licensing policies being had for will want to go beyond the statistics of the number of EU applicants decreased). deals with something a lot more funda- ematician Dr Andrea Brini expressed his “many years”. She did note, however, this particular year to carefully moni- Students and staff alike might expect mental – the access to publicly funded anger with Elsevier’s practices, espe- that these are with a number of publish- tor application trends as we go forward Imperial’s excellent reputation to have research. He details four criticisms cially regarding the Fractals fi asco. In ers and not just Elsevier. under the new system. One area for the played a role in maintaining the applica- (amongst many) that lead to his choice to addition, he made clear his opposition to This is not a decision that academics whole sector to consider is whether uni- tion rate this year in comparison to other publicly boycott the company. making profi t out of scientifi c work, as take lightly. Speaking to Felix, Dr Paula versities can communicate their student UK universities, an Imperial degree per- His fi rst complaint is with Elsevier’s for-profi t publishers such as Elsevier do. Saldago from Imperial’s NMR facility fi nance packages even more widely in haps being considered worth the higher policy of making libraries subscribe to He went on to say: “in [a] few ridiculous said “As an early career researcher, [...] the future. Here at Imperial, for instance, fees. journal “bundles”. This forces them to instances (and yeah, Elsevier is one of not choosing to publish or review for subscribe to hundreds of journals, many them), we even do the formatting [of pa- those journals can have a serious impact of which being unwanted and of little pers]! And all that, for free – namely, at on the careers of less established scien- interest, should just a few core titles be the taxpayers’ expense, with zero effort tists.” desired. Professor Gowers cited an ex- on their part.” Regardless of the Elsevier boycott and Sponsored Editorial ample of the Fractals journal being one disapproval of the practices of for-profi t that many libraries end up subscribing to publishers in general, there is no nega- out of necessity, even with its dubious “...access to knowl- tive feeling about the future. Instead, integrity. many feel that this is an opportunity to This is in addition to his complaint edge [...] should be revolutionize how journals are handled. More student cuts of “extraordinary” high costs. Journal A notable example of this is the arXiv prices have increased yearly, squeez- granted to anyone” preprint server, ran by Cornell Univer- ing already tightened library budgets. In sity, though articles on this server are not Discount haircuts for Imperial 2011, Felix reported how the Director peer reviewed. There are also publishers of Library Services at Imperial College, Another mathematician at Imperial such as Mathematical Sciences Publish- Deborah Shorley, is leading a campaign College, Dr Łukasz Grabowski, echoed ers who operate on a non-profi t basis; an students at Fresh Hairdressers by Research Libraries UK to pressure these sentiments. He told Felix: “[What organization that Dr Brini feels may be publishers such as Elsevier and Wiley to is] most important for me personally is the way to go. reduce subscription costs. Imperial Col- that the access to knowledge and educa- There are other options too. Dr Łukasz More student cuts for Imperial To book an appointment, lege Union subsequently passed a policy tion should be granted to anyone who said “I very much hope that the future students at South Kensington’s call 0207 823 8968. Ask for a demanding that these publishers cut the desires them. This is unfortunately in lies within community-run journals (con- FRESH Hairdressers. student discount and bring your prices on their products. These price contradiction with the interests of profi t- cerning the actual work which is done, Men’s cuts £22 Imperial ID. increases occur regardless of massive oriented publishing companies.” all the journals are community-run any- Women’s shampoo and cut increases in profi ts – in 2009, Elsevier Imperial mathematicians were not way), and printing will be outsourced to and shake dry £28 made a turnover of £1.6bn; up from £1bn the only academics from the College to print-on-demand companies” citing the Women’s shampoo, cut and in 2005. make public their decision to boycott example of American upstart Scholas- blow-dry £38 Professor Gowers went on to say that Elsevier. Biologists, engineers, chemists, tica. All of our cuts are done by libraries can fi nd their access to Elsevier and others have also joined them. A nota- However, the most radical solution is highly experienced stylists. journals cut off if they attempt to negoti- ble name is Professor Henry Rzepa, who proposed by Dr Saldago: “I believe it Tuesday to Fridays 9.30 to ate a better contract, something he calls accused Elsevier of “a partial abrogation is time to change the current scientifi c 4.30 (sorry no discounts on “ruthless”. of their duty for longer term curation of publications trend and support open ac- Saturdays). He is also concerned about Elsevier’s articles they publish” in the comment cess journals and initiatives that allow We are only 70 metres from support of the Research Works Act, a against his pledge, with regard to their sharing and open discussions of data and South Kensington tube station. piece of legislation in United States Con- “less than helpful attitude” with regard to results.” Mrs Shorley added that it will gress which would remove free access to publishing integral parts of a publication. be extremely interesting to see how these publicly funded research. This bill was Mrs Shorley made clear her opinion progress. 4 Friday 03 february 2012 FELIX News Editors: Sophia David Alex Nowbar NEWS [email protected] In Brief 10% cut in grant for clubs Imperial storm BP semi-finals Concerns raised over impact of fi nancial reallocation

The BP Ultimate Field Trip semi-fi nalists have been revealed, and include nine Imperial students. They will compete in the regional semi-fi nal that will take Maciej Matuszewski operating CSPs includes IT infrastructure port services he questions whether some of place towards the end of February for the prize of (including online memberships and eActivi- the money could have been found from the a 6-8 week internship in Trinidad and Tobago in the Last week the Union’s Executive Committee ties), fi nancial administration (especially the “Union’s day to day accounts”, which he says Gulf of Mexico. ruled to cut the grant available next year to the processing of claims, purchase orders and in- are “closed to its members” and so are not The three teams were selected from a variety of Clubs & Societies Board, the Representation voices) and the design and delivery of offi cer available for scrutiny. national entrants by an expert panel of judges con- & Welfare Board and the Executive itself by training” and that these are areas which will sisting of a senior panel of BP specialists from a ten percent. The £33,820 total, the vast major- be considered for improvement using the new wide range of business areas. Professor Brian Cox ity of which comes from the Clubs & Societies funding. However, in a statement to Felix he “no decisions about the has encouraged students to ‘Get involved’ continu- Board owing to its large budget, will be reallo- added that “no decisions about the destination ing ‘it’s about as valuable as it gets’. cated to help improve student activity support of the reallocation have yet been made”. destination of the real- The teams are as follows: the Carbon Busters services. Concerns about this change were raised by that include Jia Lin Chong, Shi Yunn Chua and Win- Henry Abbot, the ACC chair, who said that location have yet been son Lee Weng Hoe who are all third year Chemi- “the CSB pot has already been frozen and cut cal Engineering students; C-Less made up of Zie “there has been little- in recent years. In real terms the pot 2012/13 made” Wearn Chua and Wern Chia Chang who are both in pot is 38% less than the 2008/09 pot, whilst their third year of MEng Chemical Engineering and to-no increase in the participation is signifi cantly increased. If Zhi Xiong Chong who is in their third year of MEng money for fi nancial systems cannot be found Foster countered this by saying that since Materials with Nuclear Engineering and the Global resources available for elsewhere, it’s essential that next year’s ex- “the total grant underspend last year was Intelligence Consulting with Dun Xiang Ang, Nicho- supporting these groups” ecutive committee remember that this is not greater than the changes to CSP funding” las Kwok and Zhen Xiony Lim who are all in their a permanent cut but a one-off investment. In it would be unnecessary for societies to dip third year of MEng Chemical Engineering. the face of cuts clubs will inevitably ask their into their savings any more than usual. He The teams will present their ideas at the regional members to pay more, pricing more students added that while the Union accounts “are on semi-fi nals starting from February 20, competing Writing last Friday in his offi cial blog Dep- out of more activities, which is really not restricted circulation”, and so not available against other UK universities. The challenge is to uty President (Finance & Services) Michael where we want our union to be going.” RCSU online “interested Union members can see create the fi rst zero carbon dioxide oil refi nery by Foster explained the Committee’s reasoning Vice-President (Operations) Paul Beaumont them whenever they wish” by “ coming to the 2030 and up to a total of six entries will be se- in making the decision, saying that “while also added that while some societies could rely Union and asking to see them”. lected for the Grand Final that will take place at a student activity has been increasing yearly – more on their savings rather than the Union While this may remain a controversial deci- London venue in April. along with how much money Clubs, Societies grant this argument “ doesn’t hold for societ- sion for some it certainly has potential to im- Aemun Reza & Projects (CSPs) are saving – there has been ies that have to make large investments (say prove the student experience at Imperial. It is, little-to-no increase in the resources avail- £30,000) every ten years [...] hence why they however, clear that the full consequences of able for supporting these groups”. He further need their subvention”. He said that while he this decision will only begin to be seen next explained that “the administrative impact of agrees with more investment in student sup- year. First ever TEDx conference comes to Imperial Professor Brian Cox hosted last year’s Ultimate Field Trip fi nal Live lectures and online videos to explore science, design and innovation

Keir Little live lectures in the TED format, licensed and of £186,000, more than £16m at modern val- Holland Club Petition promoted by the organisation in spirit of their ue, which went towards the founding of South The fi rst ever TEDx conference to be held at mission and tagline – “Ideas Worth Spread- Kensington’s many museums and institutes, Imperial is coming this March. Organised by a ing.” making Imperial College, at the heart of many As the results of a feasibility study that will deter- team of Imperial students, TEDxImperialCol- of these foundations, an ideal place to relive mine the future of the Holland Club still remain lege will feature live lectures and online vid- its values. to be announced, an e-petition in support of its eos in the TED format. “Where could you fi nd The organisers are staying tight-lipped about continuation has received nearly 400 signatories The event on March 24 is titled The Great the speakers, saying that the full list will be at the time of writing. Exhibition and will “explore the connection more exciting local voic- revealed over the coming weeks, but have The petition letter, addressed to Imperial Col- between science, design and innovation, and confi rmed one of the speakers to be John Gra- lege, argues against any potential closure, claim- their impact on the human experience”. TEDx- es than in London’s cul- ham-Cumming, a computer scientist dedicated ing that there will be an “outcry” should any move ImperialCollege license holder Gilead Amit to completing the Analytical Engine – the to remove the Holland Club come to fruition. said “TEDx is all about giving local voices the tural heartland?” world’s fi rst mechanical computer, designed in The petition follows a popular Facebook cam- chance to be heard – and where could you fi nd 1837 by Charles Babbage and which so far has paign in support of the Holland Club, which, at the more exciting local voices than in London’s never been built in full time of writing, has attracted 827 ‘likes’. cultural heartland?” TEDxImperialCollege is inspired by the A non-binding registration in advance is The results of the feasibility study are expected TEDx is an offshoot of TED (Technology, Great Exhibition of 1851; a world fair held required to purchase tickets. Details of ticket within two weeks. Entertainment, Design), the conference fa- in the since destroyed Crystal Palace in Hyde prices will be revealed when registration Matthew Colvin mous for spreading innovative and inspira- Park, showcasing Victorian British culture, opens on February 10. The event takes place tional ideas. TEDx events are independently- ingenuity, industry and science. Attracting six on March 24, from 2pm to 7pm in the Great hosted, local conferences featuring videos and million visitors, the Exhibition made a profi t Hall. FELIX Friday 03 february 2012 5 NEWS Exhibition Road closes for grand opening

Jonathan Peek Alexander Karapetian 2011 following over 10 years of plan- ing placards bearing messages such as Philip Kent ning, giving pedestrians more space, lim- “Who pays for this jamboree? The tax- iting vehicles to a speed of 20mph and re- payer!” and “Why celebrate this dan- Following two years of construction, moving all the road signs and clutter. The gerous shared space?” Deputy President Exhibition Road closed last Wednesday £30m improvements feature new lighting (Education) Jason Parmar responded: “I for its grand opening led by the Mayor in the form of tall metal spires. This ties think the road is very exquisite, however of London, Boris Johnson. ‘No parking’ in with the recent renovations made to there are a few health and safety concerns signs were put up in advance and the the V&A and the Science Museum with raised, but I think the council will address event saw a day long closure marking the Union President Scott Heath comment- it in due course”. opening of the brand new signature road ing that he thinks “it looks brilliant”. Protestors, who included students from running through the “intellectual capital A metallic elephant was erected and Imperial College, were promptly ejected of London”, South Kensington, as de- was an integral part of the parade which from the Business School upon entry, scribed by Prince Albert. followed. On the Mayor of London’s ar- with a security guard commenting that he “Exquisite, my parents don’t let me use scissors at home!” The road’s transformation was an effort rival, a brief speech was made and the was “asked by College to evict them be- by Dixon Jones after winning an interna- parade began in earnest. Boris Johnson cause they didn’t want them in [there]”, tional competition for design and master- cut the ribbon to denote the road’s offi cial adding “they were on private property, planning held by The Royal Borough of opening and proceeded to the Imperial it was a private function, so we had the its historic value. The speech was inter- cious, it’s a real shame”. Nevertheless, Kensington and Chelsea, whose proposal College Business School to continue to right to”. rupted by a fi re alarm, which Mr Johnson the speech continued despite health and included stripping the road of its narrow a closed audience, after announcing that Mr Johnson’s speech in the Business took in his stride and exclaimed “it might safety regulations. pavements and creating a kerb-free pat- “Imperial is one of the greatest universi- School detailed the collaborative efforts be a fi re in the labs”. Exhibition Road returned to full opera- terned surface that would extend the en- ties in the world”. which went into the design and construc- Jason Parmar provided further thoughts tion following the event. tire length and width of the road. The event was, however, met with tion of the road, the academic and cul- to Felix on the interruption, saying: “I The changes were completed in late minor resistance, with protestors wield- tural nature of the surroundings as well as wouldn’t be surprised if it was mali- Editorial: Page 14 Driving Lessons For Imperial Students

•A special offer for Imperial students from Denis Smyth 5 Driving Lessons •Driving Standards Agency (DDSA) for £95 Accredited Instructor •Mock Test Examiner

“Denis is a fantastic teacher and knows how to get people from completely inexperienced and utterly hopeless driving up to the standard to pass their test. He is always calm and his comments are constructive; his knowledge of London and his knack of engineering driving routes that test the learner make the lessons more than worth it. Since I have met him he has shown a great desire to offer cheaper lessons to Imperial students and with the backing of other students I am more than happy to support him”

- Alex Kendall, IC Union President 2010-11

To make inquiries and book lessons, call 07808 610 898 6 Friday 03 february 2012 FELIX News Editors: Sophia David Alex Nowbar NEWS [email protected] Exhibition Road opens: in pictures Over ten years in the making, celebration of road opening brings out the Mayor

Jonathan Peek Jonathan Peek

Everyone stifl es laughs as Boris doesn’t realise hoodie is contaminated

Jonathan Peek

Group of people have to suddenly dash out of the way when a car takes advantage of the new road

Jonathan Peek Jonathan Peek

Man complains to other man about thing the latter had no control of Sunglasses inside? So douchey Boris gets in on the joke by passing the hoodie to someone else

Alexander Karapetian Alexander Karapetian

Placard behind accidentally answers placard in front in humiliating mix up Boris surprises the crowd by breaking out into freestyle rap. No... wait, that was a dream I had three days ago FELIX Friday 03 february 2012 7 Features Editors: Katy Bettany Stephen Smith [email protected] FEATURE Does Computer Science hold the answer? Alexander Karapetian on computing and important mathematical problems

omputer Science is an that are hard to compute are NP. In the often misunderstood aca- case of guessing passwords, it becomes demic topic. Many peo- apparent that verifi cation is a P prob- ple outside the fi eld do lem (easy) while searching for the cor- not perceive the breadth rect password is NP (hard). Cand depth of research material that’s The world currently assumes P not to pumped out daily and how it affects be equal to NP, as well as most Com- our everyday lives. To observe its pro- puter Scientists (Gasarch, 2002) agree- found effect in the real world, we must ing, while majority of security systems fi rst examine the theoretical. There are rely on this assumption. A claimed a variety of problems which are fa- proof of P=NP (Deolalikar, 2010) was mous in mathematics. The Millennium later shown to be incorrect, though Prize Problems and Hilbert’s Problems the possibility raised many concerns are collections of such unsolved prob- for security. The implications would lems selected by the Clay Mathemat- be far-reaching for society. A cor- ics Institute and mathematician David rect proof either way will have great Hilbert. The former are noted for their impact, since the solution to P vs NP million-dollar prize for the fi rst veri- intrinsically links to solutions of the fi ed solution to any one of the seven other Problems. If P=NP, not only will problems, six of which remain un- a new era of cryptography need to be solved at the time of writing. abruptly ushered in, but NP-hard prob- Why should the average person care lems within countless other fi elds such about fi nding solutions to them? First, as Biology (genome sequencing, pro- we must realise their real world appli- tein structure prediction) and Physics cations. While some high profi le fi elds (simulations) would become easier. are largely saturated in terms of re- The effects of solutions on society’s search progress, Computer Science has widely used systems cannot be ig- taken an opposite path and the fi eld is nored. They would pave the way to a increasingly gaining momentum, with once-distant future, with consequences discoveries emerging due to break- such as the rise of new, future-proof throughs in logic and theoretical com- technologies resistant to P=NP attacks, putational systems and mathematics. leading to better consumer systems. A core component in electronic cir- A hail of advancements in knowledge cuits is the transistor. The number of A plot of the Riemann-Zeta function over the Complex Plane. Trippy. And pretty. Am I on drugs? would be made, with improvements transistors within computer proces- to society’s quality of life due to sig- sor chips have increased over time nifi cant improvements to Biology, roughly according to Moore’s Law, advantage of the speed and effi ciency physical realm, though such perfect governments worldwide have adopted Medicine and other fi elds. Perelman, allowing for greater processing power. gains to harness the raw power of the elements are digitally representable. RSA and it is a common means of dis- responsible for solving the Poincaré This law states the number of transis- integrated circuit and GPU. This expressive property has opened tributing an encryption key. A brute Conjecture (involving the characteris- tors will double every 18 months and If Physics is to be considered the ap- the door to new methods of analysis force search would need to test possi- tics of spheres in higher dimensions) eventually reach a limit. This limit is plication of Mathematics to the Uni- with machines, using them as an aid ble primes to break this, but since there remarked: “Where technology creates frequently extended, and consumers verse, frequently giving us answers to solving existing research problems. is no reliable way of determining the new machines and devices, Mathemat- continue to see improvements yearly. to life’s questions, then Computing is For instance, a quantum mechanical next prime, computers may take years ics creates their analogues – logical This greater processing power is not the application of Mathematics to the system described to us by Physics is to perform this operation, rendering methods for analysis in any fi eld of limited to consumer use, however, and virtual Universe. For instance, creating best explored by a quantum computer, this method impractical. A proof of the science. Every Mathematical theory, if research institutes have begun to take a perfect sphere is impossible in the a machine which is capable of operat- Riemann Hypothesis, however, may it’s strong, will sooner or later fi nd an ing on the same physical levels as the provide a means of determining a pat- application.” (Perelman, 2003) IEEE very realm researchers are attempting tern and breaking RSA. to understand. Brute force guessing of standard The Riemann Hypothesis, consid- passwords is also impractical. We are “Every mathematical ered one of the most important prob- all currently encouraged to create case- lems in pure mathematics (Borwein sensitive alphanumeric passwords. The theory... will sooner et al. 2008), involves the distribution problem with checking every possibili- of the prime numbers. The hypoth- ty lies not with verifi cation; a computer or later fi nd an ap- esis states that the solutions to the can easily identify whether two pieces Riemann-Zeta function lie on a critical of text are equal. It lies with fi rst ob- plication.” line. While no proof yet exists, the fi rst taining the solution to compare. Some ten trillion values have been verifi ed techniques search through dictionary by distributed supercomputing efforts. entries, allowing quicker identifi cation As researchers move on to prov- While an underlying pattern appears of common passwords. ing the next unsolved theorem armed plausible, this Hilbert Problem remains Another Millennium Prize Problem, with potent approaches and technol- unproven. The unpredictable nature touted the most important unsolved ogy from Computer Science, the lay- of the prime numbers has been put to problem in Computer Science, P vs NP people of society would truly revel in use in the RSA (Rivest, Shamir and (Cook, 1971) revolves around this con- the consequences of such discoveries, Adleman, MIT, 1978) cryptographic cept. It asks the question of whether a and would therefore benefi t the most algorithm. This system, considered problem having quick machine verifi - overall. currently unbreakable due to techni- able solutions means those solutions cal infeasibility, provides digital secu- can also be found quickly. Problems of Adapted from a winning submission to Number of transistors per die within processors over time rity with primes. Banks, websites and the latter are classifi ed P, while those the RCSU Science Challenge 2011. 8 Friday 03 February 2012 FELIX Science Editors: K e l l y O a k e s Alexander Karapetian SCIENCE [email protected] In brief Historic social networks

Evolution of enormity Sarah Byrne Facebook

We normally think of social networks as a When the dinosaurs disappeared, they left modern-day phenomenon: Facebook, Twit- room for mammals to go through a huge evo- ter etc. come to mind. But according to re- lutionary growth spurt. They also left room for cent research published in Nature, ancient mammals to grow. Literally. societies may have been organised along Recent research published in the journal much the same lines. PNAS has uncovered the number of genera- It is a popular belief that the evolution of tions it would take for a mouse-sized animal to human behaviour is all about natural selec- evolve into an elephant-sized one: 24 million. tion, with all our behaviours driven by the The number comes from a fossil record data desire to pass on our genes: finding a ge- set of mammalian body size over the last 70 netically fit partner and protecting our own million years. offspring. However this somewhat reduc- For 140 million years before the dinosaurs tive model is not the whole storwy, not least went extinct, mammals were rodent-sized or because it doesn’t consider how and why we smaller. But when the dinosaurs were no longer form friendships and cooperate with people around, mammals began to expand to fill the even when they are not genetically related ecological niches the dinosaurs left behind. to us, and we don’t intend to reproduce with The researchers looked at 28 strands of mam- them. mal lineage over the fossil record and worked The recent research focused on the Had- out how many years and generations it took for za people in Tanzania, who have a hunter- A map of social connectivity the mammals to grow larger. gatherer lifestyle thought to be similar to Growing larger also signifies other changes. that of our early human ancestors in the “Achieving such a large transformation calls late Pleistocene, and are relatively isolated terns and trends, regardless of the society The importance of social networks in our for major biological reorganisation,” say the re- from modern culture and technology. Two in question, and the results for the Hadza evolutionary history is thought to relate to searchers. network models were constructed, based population looked remarkably like those the development of cooperation, a distinctly DOI: 10.1073/pnas.1120774109 on who participants said they would like for modern social networks. This indicates human habit which allows us to go beyond Kelly Oakes to share a camp with, and who they would that the way we form friendships and social immediate family relationships and work choose to receive a gift of honey (a prized groups is hard-coded in our psychology, and together in large groups to achieve goals delicacy). emerged as part of our evolution as a spe- which benefit and advance society. In so- Once a social network is created, there cies. cial networks, more ‘cooperative’ people are various metrics to be measured and ana- The researchers also offer an intriguing tend to form groups – and interestingly the Networking lysed. These include degree distributions hypothesis about how human society di- more anti-social ‘defectors’ also tended to (how many friends do you have), transitiv- verged from normal primate patterns: our be friends with each other. by Maria Veiga ity (how likely is it that two of your friends ability to understand how reproduction It is still unclear whether this is because are friends themselves), degree assortativ- works and recognise our paternal family cooperators simply prefer to form links with ity (are popular people more likely to have meant we no longer had the need to enforce like-minded people, or whether cooperative popular friends) and homophily (do simi- ‘dispersal’ of the young from their birth- people in fact influence the friends connect- lar people tend to cluster together). These place and family groups in order to prevent ed to them. Either way, there is strong evi- measures differ from those on randomly inadvertent in-breeding. This may have en- dence that social networks and cooperativ- generated networks of the same size, due couraged more stable groupings, increasing ity are closely linked, and co-evolved early to the human preferences underlying them. the opportunities for friendships, and hence in human history. Additionally they tend to form similar pat- social networks, to form. DOI:10.1038/nature10736 Quantum information rate measured

Keir Little tect changes in individual atoms. electron travelling through a semiconductor Researchers at the Max Planck Institute interacts with each atom it encounters, but Scientists have measured the rate at which for Quantum Optics have devised a way of can be modelled as a quasi-electron of a dif- quantum information travels through real experimentally measuring this value: rather ferent mass travelling more slowly though systems. Changes, such as those in electron- than using a crystalline lattice, they held a free space. By recording the time and dis- ic spin or energy, propagate through materi- supercooled monoatomic gas in an optical tance between atom excitations, the speed at als at a limited speed; similar to the speed of lattice: several lasers used to create stand- which these quasiparticles travel, and hence light, this maximum theoretical limit known ing waves in which to trap individual atoms. at which information propagates, can be as the Lieb-Robinson bound has now been As the atoms are not chemically bonded to measured. determined empirically by scientists. each other and are at a very low temperature, This speed, found to be roughly twice the In a material lattice like a crystal, chang- many sources of interference are eliminated speed of sound in the considered material, es at any one atom, such as flipping spin from the system. is currently purely empirical, and the value or nuclear decay, affect the atom’s closest By changing the power of the lasers, cer- cannot be determined by theoretical meth- neighbours first and propagate outwards tain atoms can be “quenched” – moved from ods. It also is applicable only to the one- from there. The speed at which these short- energetic equilibrium to an excited state. dimensional lattice under consideration, but range interactions occur is much lower than These excitations then travel through the as the first measurement of its kind made, the speed of light, but has so far been im- lattice as quantum-entangled quasiparticles represents an important step forward for re- possible to measure due to interference from – fictitious particles which serve as a simple search in areas such as quantum entangle- thermal vibrations, and the sheer number of approximation to the many complex inter- ment. particles in a real lattice make it hard to de- actions of real particles. For example, an DOI: 10.1038/nature10748 FELIX Friday 03 February 2012 9 SCIENCE Badgering the badgers Oddities of Physics Christopher Nichols on why we should save the badgers from culling

John Connor Press Associates Arriana Sorba

The SAF main lecture theatre was full to bursting last Wednesday eve- ning, as Simon Foster and his troupe of postgraduate students put on an exciting and informative show on ‘The Oddities of Physics’. Guests were welcomed into the building with a display by the Imperial Col- lege Juggling Society, intrigued and unaware that a more fiery take on the display was on its way later in the lecture, to help explain special rela- tivity... Using balls of fire to help illustrate a light clock wasn’t the only exciting demonstration that had the audience gasping with awe, though. From res- onating jelly to a levitating magnet, the sense of wonderment caused by each demonstration was palpable, not least from the groups of school children that the Friends of Impe- rial College had invited to the event. One postgraduate encouraged the audience to ‘fear the air around us’, with a startling and somewhat dan- gerous video he’d made, on Imperial soil, of an oil drum collapsing under atmospheric pressure, whilst Simon himself got the audience murmur- ing with curiosity simply by putting a heat-tech t-shirt in the microwave. But it wasn’t all action, and the audience were equally enthused by the pithy explanations of other more subtle physical phenomena. Be they the time reversal symmetry of the movement of bacteria, Fourier Don’t kill them... I’ll take them. I’ll take them all! transforms, or the mysterious quan- tum effects surrounding Planck’s constant, each thought-provoking ate last year, the en- rest of the UK. tion for the cull, or lack thereof, in such as gassing must be used. Not, question that was posed, (for who vironment secretary The cull is objectionable for two that there is evidence that a cull may as the government has seen fit, the hasn’t at some point wondered what Caroline Spellman an- key reasons. On a deontological actually increase the spread of bovine ‘farmers and their guns’ technique. the world would look like if ħ wasn’t nounced that badger level, the cull represents humanity’s TB rather than stem it. Amongst oth- Whilst this may serve to appease so small?), was matched in intrigue culling would go ahead tendency for species-chauvinism. ers this view is supported by Rosie angry farmers with a grudge against by its fascinating physical answer. inL 2012 in an effort to combat bovine Environmental, and admittedly con- Woodroffe, a senior research fellow badgers, I doubt the random shooting Physics current sexiest topic, the tuberculosis (TB). Now that the loca- servation, issues are often driven by at the Zoological Society of London, of badgers will actually have a sig- Higgs Boson and the Large Hadron tions of pilot culls have been named, the logic that humans are more im- and her research. It was found that al- nificant impact on a population. Collider, also got its due airtime, as the scheme is suddenly becoming a portant than, and have the authority though a cull may marginally reduce A preferred alternative to culling did a simple but enlightening expla- reality, but is the cull justified and to remove other species should they the incidence of cattle TB in the focal is vaccination, a method which has nation of the Aurora Borealis, using will it be effective? pose a threat. Which would be valid area, badgers are likely to disperse as had some success in captive badgers. the infamous, imposing-looking Van Badgers are one of Britain’s most and defensible if the species in ques- result of the disruption, and the ar- Studies are currently underway into de Graaff generator. enigmatic mammals due to their tion was threatening human lives, for eas in the vicinity could suffer an in- its applicability in wild populations. The lecture was hosted by the nocturnal nature, and are usually instance I’m sure less people would creased incidence of TB as a result. This however is of no consolation Friends of Imperial College, an or- only seen either wombling across a be opposed to eradicating the spe- Despite these anti-cull arguments, to the badgers who will be culled in ganisation dedicated to providing road late at night or more likely, as cies of mosquito that carries malaria. it is presumably still favoured by the the coming year or the animal groups opportunities for the wider com- road-kill. Traffic will be the least The threat badgers pose however, Government because of the potential that are opposed to the cull. The only munity to get involved in and learn of the worries of badgers in parts of is only to our cows, a non-essential short term reduction in bovine tuber- saving grace is that with any luck more about any field of science, Gloucestershire and Somerset how- element of human life, despite what culosis a cull could bring. It is easy badgers will avoid being shot by ex- technology and medicine. It does this ever, as these are the areas in which some might claim, and so the organ- to see the appeal when it is estimated ploiting a trait of theirs that the pow- through the Imperial College net- pilot culls will be implemented. ised killing of them for our benefit is that roughly one billion pounds of ers that be seem to have overlooked. work of staff, students and alumni, Culling badgers is not a new phe- unjustified. the taxpayer’s money could be spent Surely shooting nocturnal badgers in holding a variety of events through- nomenon, with extermination efforts Unfortunately in itself, this moral over the next ten years tackling the the dark is hardly going to yield fan- out the year, from lectures to socials, taking place on and off throughout argument does not stand, as by the problem. tastic results. The deaths of any that keeping the public informed of and the latter half of the twentieth cen- same reasoning I should be advocat- This would hold if it wasn’t for the are unlucky enough to meet a gun- interested in the latest scientific ad- tury, and although the emphasis here ing vegetarianism – which I am not. method of cull chosen. To decrease slinging farmer in the coming nights vances. It also generously supports is on ‘pilot’, there is the potential for A more convincing argument comes the incidence of TB in cattle by a can be put down to little more than the Imperial College Student Oppor- more widespread action across the in the form of the scientific justifica- notable amount, an efficient method myopic mustelid murder. tunities Fund. 10 Friday 03 February 2012 FELIX Science Editors: K e l l y O a k e s Alexander Karapetian SCIENCE [email protected] In brief Genes affecting intellect The Guardian Zero-point energy fl uctuations Philippa Skett fi rst seen in solid object Imperial students fall generally into two cat- egories: those who work hard and those who don’t work at all. Students across all years ei- At a temperature of absolute zero, any atom or ther diligently trek to the library every evening molecule will still vibrate as it has a minimum ther- or pass it completely (as in, walk awkwardly mal energy known as zero-point energy. For the around the redundant new library porch) to go fi rst time, evidence of zero-point energy has been straight to the Union. seen in a solid object larger than a single atom or However, when it comes to academic suc- cluster – a silicon bar 12 micrometres long and cess, there seems to be no such correlation. less than a micrometre in diameter. Blame your department, blame your note tak- Light refl ected off an object will be red- or blue- ing skills or even blame the annual arrival shifted depending upon whether it is travelling of the American girls tempting you into the away from or towards you, and according to clas- depths of Metric, but new research has shown sical mechanics, an oscillating object will refl ect your academic fl oundering or success could be an equal amount of red-shifted light as it does down to your genes. A paper published online blue-shifted; otherwise, it would show that the ob- in Nature this week has taken the fi rst step in ject has net movement towards or away from the actually quantifying how genetics can infl u- observer. However, at temperatures near absolute We’re all guilty of pulling all nighters... ence cognitive ability, but take their fi ndings zero where quantum mechanics dominates, an ob- with a pinch of salt - intrinsic aptitude alone ject oscillating at its zero-point energy cannot emit won’t get you that 2:1. energy to its environment, and thus cannot blue- The study lead by Ian Brady, a professor of take the same test under the same standardised intelligence is genetically determined from the shift any light refl ected off it. Differential Psychology at the University of Ed- conditions. They also gave a cell sample to de- start? Not necessarily, as the overall statistics Scientists at the California Institute of Technol- inburgh, has allowed an insight not just into in- termine how strong the genetic link may turn are a bit sketchy and the Moray House Test is ogy cooled the silicon bar to within less than half telligence causation but also intelligence degen- out to be. just one of many ways to test intelligence, so a kelvin of absolute zero, and fi red a laser at it. By eration over time, thanks to data uncovered from Their genomes were then scrutinised to pro- a greater, more detailed study may be needed. measuring the refl ected light, they saw an asym- the early 20th century that was collected across duce Single Nucleotide Polymorphism (SNP) A greater genetic insight is needed too, such metry between the red and blue-shifted refl ec- Scotland. Using a traditional cognitive testing data. SNPs are particular points in the genome as locating specifi c gene sequences, but this tions, showing that the bar spent around 30% of method in conjunction with high tech genomic sequence where one fraction of the species research does provide a new understanding on its time in its zero-point energetic ground state. sequencing, test scores from a group of unrelated population has one nucleotide type, and anoth- which to base future neurological studies into DOI: 10.1103/PhysRevLett.108.033602 individuals were recorded at two distinct times in er substantial fraction has another type. SNPs intelligence and its causation. Keir Little their lives, and then compared against the genetic therefore can be used to give an insight into However, if 24% of your intelligence is ac- variation between the groups. the possible genetic causes of varying char- tually genetic alone, that means that 76% is The test used was the Moray House Test acteristics between individuals in the same still down to you. This should come as great (not that House), and is very similar in struc- population, in this case intelligence. Over half news to all those who spent Christmas revising ture to entrance tests usually taken for Gram- a million SNPs were scrutinised for every in- hard and neglecting their family, their friends mar school entry by 11 year olds, sometimes dividual who took the test, and Brady was able and their hygiene, as you may actually stand referred to as the 11-plus. A combination of to put forward the estimate that 24% percent a chance of doing well. To everyone else, put verbal reasoning questions were asked to just of their cognitive ability is determined by the down Felix, fi nish that Nonogram later and under two thousand participants aged 11 back genes due to the differences in the scores be- sulk over to the library. You may have to at- in 1932 and 1947, and the same individuals tween the two age groups. tempt to work hard after all. were tracked down when they were aged 70 to So does this mean that about a quarter of our DOI:10.1038/nature10781 Faster Fast Fourier Transform found

I can’t see anything in this solid sphere Alexander Karapetian the DFT in a significantly faster time. FFTs to be a product of narrower slices of band- have been hailed as the Swiss Army Knife width. With this, the signals are treated as Researchers at MIT have discovered a new of algorithms, with wide ranging applica- oscillations rather than binary up/down di- method of performing the Fast Fourier tions in graphics (image processing, filters), rections, and the same slice of bandwidth Transform algorithm which, in a large set digital signal processing (reconstructing a can be sampled at different times to better of use cases, adds performance improve- signal from frequency data), compression, determine where the dominant frequencies Like us on Facebook ments. The MIT group submitted their pa- optics, crystallography and data searching. are. This strategy, notable for its use in 4G per, “Nearly Optimal Sparse Fourier Trans- FFTs work by performing a variety of cellular networks, allows for sparse (heav- form” to ArXiv on 12 January and presented optimisations on the DFT. Speeding up ele- ily weighted) frequencies to be identified their findings in the Symposium on Discrete ments within the summation equation, such faster. As a result, the algorithm’s worst Follow the latest science Algorithms (SODA) last week. as the amount of multiplication operations case efficiency is equivalent to the FFT, The Fourier Transform is a popular means involved, allows for reduced processor us- but the average case is an improvement for news from Imperial and of mathematical analysis which decomposes age during the algorithm’s execution. This many general input signals. functions into their constituent frequencies. increases efficiency significantly, but there The sFFT algorithm, developed by two around the world on our The Discrete Fourier Transform (DFT) is is no known proof which dictates the FFT professors from MIT’s Computer Sci- a realisation of this as an algorithm which is the fastest algorithm for computing the ence and Artificial Intelligence Labora- Facebook page takes a sequence of real or complex num- DFT. Renowned MIT mathematician Gilbert tory (CSAIL) along with their students, bers to process information stored in com- Strang has described the FFT as the “most has been described by Professor Martin puters, with uses in academic areas in Com- important algorithm of our generation”. Strauss from the University of Michigan facebook.com/FelixScience puter Science and mathematics. The Fast The MIT researchers’ new algorithm, as “greatly [expanding] the number of cir- Fourier Transform (FFT) is a set of algo- coined the Sparse Fourier Transform (sFFT), cumstances where one can beat the tradi- rithms which are able to efficiently compute improves on the FFT by considering a signal tional FFT”. FELIX Friday 03 February 2012 11 SCIENCE Putting a pause on infl uenza research

Laurence Pope been put on hold for 60 days in order to ity of seasonal fl u with the high mortality In order to quell the fears and answer or without a defi ned purpose. quell public fears and spark debate on the rate of wild-type H5N1. the questions provoked by the media Whilst research into infl uenza spread Research involving a virulent mutant topic of research involving potentially le- Controversy arose when, on December storm that arose from their research a joint and pandemic management is undeniably strain of the infl uenza A virus has been thal infl uenza strains. 20, the US National Science Advisory statement was made by the two labs on useful, safety must take precedence over temporarily halted over fears of potential Fears began to circulate in September of Board for Biosecurity (NSABB) called January 20 that put a 60 day pause on their speed – whilst transferring the study to bioterrorism and accidental release. last year when two independent research for the two papers on the mutant virus, research. The teams called for an interna- BSL-4 graded laboratories may slow re- It is widely recognized by scientists and groups in the US and the Netherlands cre- which had been submitted to Nature and tional forum with which to discuss the po- search the virus in question is without a laypeople alike that infl uenza continues to ated a mutant strain of the H5N1 virus Science, to be partially censored, fearing tential benefi ts and risks of their research, doubt highly dangerous and must be treat- pose a great threat to global health, even in order to fi nd out how mutations in the the methodology within them could be as well as set up a framework for distribut- ed accordingly. Care must also be taken rivalling that of the current AIDS pan- virus made it easier to transmit. It trans- utilized by bioterrorists. The advice drew ing their fi ndings without letting it fall into with the freedom of print. Whilst the free demic; the 1918 outbreak of Spanish fl u pired that the virus could be transmitted criticism from all angles, ranging from the hands of those who would abuse it. fl ow of ideas drives scientifi c progress alone killed 50 to 100 million people in via inhalation between ferrets breathing complaints that partial print could ham- The question remains whether or not we unfortunately live in a world where, just two and a half years. In order to face the same air. This strongly suggested that per further research to the claim that the this form of research is necessary, or if it more than ever, information can be used fl u pandemics, scientists need to carry out the mutant virus could transmit just as NSABB’s advice was too little, too late, is simply a pandemic waiting to happen. to cause major harm if procured by the research on the various strains of the virus easily from human to human. Whilst the considering how much of the research had The 60 day pause is much welcomed, and wrong people. In the next 60 days it is im- to better understand how they mutate and labs were both classifi ed as BSL-3 (Bio- already been passed on to other infl uenza even if it does not resolve the main issues perative that a method of securely distrib- spread from animal reservoirs to humans. safety Level 3) enhanced, second only to labs. The authors of the papers agreed to it will allow the scientifi c community to uting data and information is laid out in However, new research on a mutated BSL-4 in protection, fears abounded that it this redaction, under the understanding debate these ideas in an open forum, as order to keep pushing infl uenza research strain of the H5N1 virus, more commonly was simply not suffi cient for such a lethal that the research could be passed on to le- well as assure the public that the research forward. It will by no means come easily, known as bird fl u or avian infl uenza, has pathogen that combined the transmissibil- gitimate infl uenza researchers. is not being carried out either haphazardly but it must.

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WhenWhen aandnd where:where: JoinJoin usus for:for: » advice on moving out of halls 16.30 Exhibition opens in the Queen’s Tower Rooms » tips and advice on when and where 18.00 Talk in the Great Hall to start looking for a place to live in the private sector 19.00 Exhibition continues with » a FREE prize draw to win an iPad 2! learning how much you can expect to pay for rent and other costs » advice on your rights as a tenant and how to deal with landlords and their contracts » tips on moving in/out » exclusive opportunities to meet estate agents, landlords and other accommodation service providers Sponsored by LearnLearn moremore aat:t: www.facebook.com/ www.imperial.ac.uk/accommodation imperialstudentaccommodation 12 Friday 03 February 2012 FELIX Politics Editors: R a j a t J a i n Joseph Letts POLITICS [email protected] Davos 2012 Smack your kids up All Doom & Gloom with no Boom Middle class nanny-state blamed for riots The Annual 5 day World Economic Forum meeting in Davos, Switzerland ended on Sunday in an un- usually sombre mood. It’s usually a rather positive affair, for capitalists at least, where world leaders Rajat Jain rub shoulders with multi-billionaires and heads of NGOs or large corporations can openly lobby for a MP David Lammy has blamed anti-smacking better world or better profi ts while dining with Hol- laws for the lack of discipline that led to riots in lywood’s A-list. This year, however, was rather de- London last summer. pressing. Global economic problems, as with the Mr Lammy is the MP for the North Lon- last few years, were top of the agenda. But this don constituency of Tottenham, where the ri- time, few people had any grand plans to turn the ots originated and some of the worst violence bust into a boom. Instead, the focus was on dam- was experienced. He became a regular on our age control – particularly how to control the Euro- screens for his vocal and often radical views zone crisis. This was coupled with an admission of the riots. The Labour MP attacked the 2004 that world growth would have to be driven by, and Children’s Act as being a middle-class “liberal completely depend on, Asia – although even China elite” law that stigmatises the working class would no longer experience double-digit growth. and leaves them too scared to discipline their Business Leaders expressed concern that ris- children. ing youth unemployment across the globe was a The current legislation allows for the smack- “ticking time bomb.” Usually, a young population ing of children as long as it does not cause means a low dependency ratio and gives develop- “reddening of the skin”. Other methods of dis- ing countries the capacity to create high growth cipline which cause physical or serious mental and fuel global economic stability. Instead, unem- harm are also banned. The concern is not so How red is too red? ployment is rising, particularly in the Arab World, much that the law itself is wrong in its inten- where it is partly responsible for triggering the re- tions and the limitations it sets, but in its sub- volts last spring. jective interpretation. into their children with “private education and spread public support. A poll by the Guardian, German Chancellor Angela Merkel expressed a Mr Lammy has argued that the law has too extra-curricular activities.” generally thought to have a readership that need for greater integration in Europe, particularly much of a grey area, leaving parents fearing Despite these claims of a class difference, the epitomises the “liberal elite”, showed that last in her fi nancial institutions. Merkel argued that the that their children could be taken away by law was actually brought in by Lammy’s own October two-thirds of its readers opposed a European Stability Mechanism, used for emergen- social workers if they hit them at all. He also traditionally working class Labour party, but he smacking ban. At the time of writing, 90% of cy bailouts in the Eurozone, ought to be increased. made it clear that there is a class divide where has quickly gained the support of traditionally Telegraph readers, thought to epitomise middle She, however, made it clear that the more Ger- parents in deprived areas are constantly being middle class Conservative politicians, includ- class conservative attitudes, support the right to many is willing to pay out, the higher the moral visited by social workers regardless of whether ing Education Secretary Michael Gove and smack. hazard as other countries and private institutions there is reason, leading to constant fear. Mid- Mayor of London Boris Johnson who fi nd the It now appears likely that a serious review feel lower risk. dle-classes, on the other hand, are rarely tar- law “confusing”. will take place of the law and it is likely to be British Prime Minister David Cameron, how- geted by social workers and can train discipline An overhaul of the law could well have wide- changed due to this vocal backbench MP. ever, criticised the German chancellor for not doing enough, suggesting that the country was somehow shirking its responsibility. Germany is Europe’s largest economy, has provided larger bailouts than any other country, and defended Britain when French politicians were quick to at- Fresh protests in Senegal tack Cameron’s European policy. His views have caused anger among pro-European MPs. Cameron has already alienated French President Nicholas Sarkozy and is accused of leaving Britain at the Rajat Jain edge of Europe. Christine Lagarde, the new head of the Interna- Police have been deployed in towns across tional Monetary Fund and former minister in the Senegal, and are reported to have killed two French cabinet, has campaigned for a €500bn people in the northern town of Podor, as pro- increase in her institution’s budget and largely tests intensify. Rallies have been organised agreed with Mrs Merkel’s plan for greater Europe- after President Abdoulaye Wade declared his an fi nancial integration. She argued that the IMF intention to stand for a third term. was a safer bet than any other for securing the Senegal has long been seen as a relatively Eurozone. successful democracy by African standards. Rajat Jain Mr Wade fi rst came to power in 2000, break- ing over fourty years of Socialist rule in the West African country. He had generally been seen as a popular and effective president. In 2001, under his rule, a new constitution was adopted limiting presidential terms to a maxi- Why not write for Felix mum of two spanning fi ve years each from the previous seven year terms. Politics? Email us at: However, more recently, views of him have Abdoulaye Wade remains defi ant soured. He changed the constitution back so he can stand for a third term, which would be sev- en years long. Increased control on freedom of of corruption, despotism and wasting public democracy in Africa. However, with his un- the press has been introduced and three opposi- money in the impoverished nation on vanity popularity with the church and growing anger [email protected] tion candidates (including a popular musician) projects. among the people, protests could well bring have been barred from standing. There seems to be a growing risk that Wade down the president before the election on Feb- Further to this, Wade has also been accused could turn Senegal into another story of failed ruary 26. FELIX Friday 03 february 2012 13 Business Editors: B e ñ a t G u r r u t x a g a - L e r m a Nina Kearsey [email protected] BUSINESS A not so happy birthday Apprentice Challenge 2012

Annabelle Mayers es, the judges scrutinized each team’s Rajvinder Virdee on who he thinks is crashing the Euro’s party efforts and presented them with thought Whilst many students were having a lie-in provoking questions. on Saturday 21 January, the 16 students Given a short while to recover from n January 1, 2012, a ma- Greece broke the rule every year, but in- petitiveness was due to higher labour selected to participate in the 2012 Impe- Saturday’s challenges the teams met early jor economic milestone terestingly neither Spain nor Ireland nor costs making it much harder for these rial Apprentice Challenge arrived at the on Sunday morning to commence the sec- was reached: the Euro’s Italy ever broke the 3% rule. Once again countries to kick start exports. Low ex- Business School, complete with suits, ond day of the Imperial Apprentice Chal- 10th birthday. Although it was left to the ethereal “market con- ports at a time where debt was expensive laptops, and determination, ready to con- lenge. For the Sales Challenge the teams, the Euro had offi cially fi dence” to decide where the safe debt lead to further economic slowdown. Un- quer the challenges organised by the Im- once again, had to muster up the energy to Obeen in existence since 1995 and was in- was. The markets saw Germany as the employment went up and the problems perial Entrepreneurs society. run around the local area interacting with troduced into fi nancial markets in 1999, good guy, with Spain and Italy unfairly just kept getting worse. The four teams, Zeus, Ipsum, Collater- strangers. Given £20, each team were it wasn’t until 2002 that notes and coins portrayed as the villains. Spending cuts may make debts harder al, and Tornado, battled for the privilege told to invest some or all of their money were issued in circulation. The Euro is Looking at the 10 year period between to repay, but will not necessarily lead to of representing Imperial in the London in stock from local shops or supermar- an important currency; it is not only the 2000-10, it is actually Germany whose a rise in exports, and will probably re- University Apprentice Challenge against kets and sell their purchases in whichever second largest reserve currency but it government debt rose the most (almost sult in further recession. But a continued LSE, Kings, UCL and Royal Holloway. location they felt appropriate. The team is also the most circulated, with almost 25%), whereas Spain and Italy remained spending risks bankrupting the country, In addition to entry into the London com- which made the largest profi t would win. €900bn in circulation. It is the currency pretty fl at. In the case of Spain and Ire- resulting in spiralling shrinking of its petition, the winning team received cash Performance was impressive with the of 17 of the 27 European Union mem- land, the problem wasn’t the govern- economy and in a loss in market confi - and prizes from sponsors Proctor and most successful team, Tornado, creating ber states, a population of more than ments; it was the private sector: busi- dence. This is the dilemma that most Eu- Gamble. The weekend consisted of four a net profi t of £64 in just two hours. In 330 million, not forgetting the numer- nesses and individuals. The Spanish and ropean governments now face. challenges based on Strategy, Marketing, the Entrepreneurial spirit team Tornado ous countries (mainly African) who have Irish private debt saw a huge increase. During the onset of the crisis, govern- Sales, and Product Development, fol- acquired copies of the Financial Times currencies pegged against the Euro. This And much of that money was invested ments had to increase their borrowing to lowed by a live fi nal. The judging panel (which are distributed for free in the busi- totals to about 500 million people, 1/12 in buying German goods creating a debt help support the collapsing private sec- consisted of guests from Ernst and Young, ness school) and managed to sell many of the globe’s population, who directly fuelled boom: Germany would give tor. When a government has to borrow, E-Synergy and the Imperial College Busi- copies by knocking at peoples doors and use this currency. It was all going so away cheap credits to countries that it can devalue its own currency to help ness School. Adding to the pressure was selling to strangers in the street. Other well. Then the Global Economic crisis would spend the money in buying Ger- ease the pain. Spain and Italy could not the fact the team members’ every move interesting approaches were seen: for ex- happened, and in 2009, it had to battle man goods. devalue their currency though, as they was captured on fi lm and selected scenes ample, team Ipsum sold water to runners against the Sovereign Debt Crisis. To say were tied up into the Euro. The high included in a fi lm showing highlights of in Hyde Park and Collateral made hot the last few years have been hard for the levels of debt infected the whole single the event (search for ‘Imperial Apprentice chocolate in free cups from Pret a Manger Euro is a bit of an understatement. So, “Debt was cheap currency where everyone was suddenly Challenge 2012’ on YouTube). using a kettle borrowed from halls and what really went wrong? being exposed to these high levels of The fi rst task, the Strategy challenge, sold the warm drinks with cookies to cold It has been said that the sovereign debt and heavy borrowing debt. This has not only crippled the Eu- required the teams to “Create value from Londoners. crisis was caused by excessive borrow- rozone countries’ economies, but has nothing.” First, they had to obtain an item The fi nal, most demanding task, at least ing by European governments. The Ger- led to an accelerated dramatically reduced the prestige of for free, then proceed to trade the item up in terms of time management, was the mans have been portrayed as the heroes the Euroclub. As the European econo- until they obtained items of higher value. Product Development Challenge, which of the situation, doing their bit to help growth rate” mies weakened, debt market confi dence The value created in just two hours was saw each team design a new service or their European brethren, and they seem dropped, and borrowing costs all over astounding. The winners of this demand- product to be launched by either Play- to be coping comparatively well. But are the Eurozone increased. ing but fun task were Collateral (Andre, boy or Ferrari. The teams were required they really that innocent? During these boom years, debt was But yet, after all of this, we are still Alex, Max and Hari) who secured a gift to create a presentation outlining their As a part of the new agreement to try cheap and heavy borrowing led to an ac- being told the Germans played the right bag containing a £110 chauffeur driven innovative idea, target market, market- and save the Euro, the German govern- celerated growth rate. The Spanish and game. That is not entirely true. As one cooperate car voucher, an expensive bot- ing strategy, fi nancial outlook and 5 year ment have insisted that a ceiling is put Italians’ salaries increased signifi cantly, can see, a lot of the problems we are ex- tle of wine and various other treats from projections. The outcome was to be pre- in place limiting governments’ borrow- whilst Germans had a rather fl at growth periencing now are due to lending by the a hotel. The total value was estimated to sented to the audience and judging panel ing to 0.5% of their output, aiming to in pay. That was fi ne while debt was still Germans. It seems they have used the be over £160! in the live fi nal. Due to the nature of the stop debt growing too quickly. But if cheap during the boom years; however, single currency as a way to increase their The second challenge, the Marketing companies some interesting ideas ap- we turn the clocks back 15 years, there as the economic downturn started, bor- economic strength at the expense of the Challenge, provided participants with the peared on the whiteboard! Ipsum boldly was already a defi cit ceiling, a 3% limit rowing rates rose sharply. Suddenly all smaller developing southern European opportunity to rest their legs. Each team pursued the idea of Playboy ‘adult toys’ that was put in the treaties that set up the this debt was unaffordable to sustain. countries. The road ahead for the Euro- were assigned one of four companies – whilst collateral opted for a luxurious and Euro, again insisted on by the Germans. Spanish and Italian goods became un- club is defi nitely a tough one. It is clear Snog frozen yoghurts, Gatorade energy professional Playboy spa. Team Tornado But it was Germany who broke this competitive compared to German goods to almost everyone that for the Euro to drinks, Talk mobile and Vitaminwater saw great potential in exclusive Ferrari 3% rule fi rst in 2003, and it has done it as customers could no longer borrow to reach its 11th birthday it will need radi- – and had to decide upon a second com- Yachts whilst Zeus envisaged Luxury for about half of the years of the Euro. afford infl ated prices. This loss of com- cal reform. pany which they propose could carry our Ferrari hotels. joint marketing. They had to plan a three The results of each team were an amal- minute elevator pitch, as if representing gamation of the outcome of the two ac- the fi rst company and persuading the tive tasks and the judge’s opinions of the second to come on board, to be presented pitches and presentations. Team Tornado to the judges in the live fi nal. The teams triumphed, meaning the team members, had to identify the target market, specify Effi e Kyrtata, Ignacio Doval, Sabrina how they intend to advertise and justify Ghiddi, and Isobel Qian will represent why it would be mutually benefi cial to Imperial in the London Apprentice in both companies. This joint marketing ap- late February. The Judges from Ernst and proach has proven popular recently with, Young, E-Synergy and the Imperial Busi- for example, companies such as McDon- ness School commented on the impres- alds and Weight Watchers forming a mar- sive ideas and high quality presentations keting partnership; McDonalds benefi t made by all teams. They noted that the from an improved reputation regarding marking was not easy as the standard of the nutritional quality of their food and all teams was very high. Team Collateral Weight Watchers reaches a target au- fi nished in a close second place followed dience far larger than it could achieve by Ipsum and then Zeus. alone. A second example: the cooperation between Spotify and Lucozade. All teams were innovative in their approach to this task and pitched their ideas successfully Here’s to another ten years...? to the judging panel. Following the pitch- 14 Friday 03 february 2012 FELIX Comment Editors: Tim Arbabzadah Sam Horti COMMENT [email protected] FELIX A possible high society Elephants can’t hide Exhibition Road worries

The newly redesigned Exhibition Road saw its grand opening take place last Wednes- day. Away from the usual buffoonery (read: metal elephants that Felix still doesn’t quite comprehend perfectly) and tussles for photo opportunities that accompany any form of Rhys Davies visit from the current Mayor of London the fact remains that the redesign cost £30m, and while the visual changes are plain to lease do not read the fol- see, the reasoning behind them is some- lowing if you do not like what muddier. controversial material. The designers have promised that despite The debate over the le- what seems like an unintuitive idea to begin galisation of drugs has with (namely a lack of solid guidelines for witteredP on for as long as we’ve had traffic or crossings for pedestrians), there drugs, or at least laws about them. will ultimately prove to be a bevy of improve- Those of you who think that drugs I don’t know what drug he’s taken to make his head so big ments over the previous design, including a are dangerous for the public at large reduction in traffic by 30% and an increased will probably give good arguments for observation by both driver and pedestrian. the criminalisation of their use, pos- However, even I’m not optimistic All this is fi ne but it doesn’t go far For £30m, one would certainly hope so. Nev- session and trade. Likewise, those of enough to think that Fair Trade co- enough. ertheless, in its current state, ‘increased you who regard drugs as a matter of caine will signifi cantly improve the The one aspect of our lives that is observation’ will most likely prove to be a personal choice beyond the remit of lives and working conditions of its beyond our tangible control is how synonym for ‘anxious watching’ as students the government or police can probably producers in Bolivia – well, maybe I long it lasts. Until that time comes, attempt to find the best area to cross a road offer equally valid counter-arguments. am. Such a radical change in crimi- we should express ourselves to the with an ever changing traffic flow, and motor- I, myself, think the most sensible nal and supermarket forces would be full extent of our desire and capac- ists (some of whom, of course, will be unfa- option would be to legalise all drugs. near-impossible to organise, and the ity. I want to walk down the street and miliar with the new layout) attempt to avoid Prohibition of anything has never re- gangsters won’t like it. Neither will see a guy with a horn in the middle of potentially grim consequences as students, ally worked. The greatest historical the Daily Mail, I’m sure. There would his forehead. I want to fall asleep in tourists and other pedestrians edge out example of this folly comes from the of course have to be checks. It should the radiant arms of my girlfriend who from behind parked cars. eponymous era in the USA, especially still be illegal to sell these drugs to glows in the dark. I don’t particularly The reduction in road signs is mystifying. in Chicago. All prohibition did was anyone under 18, or 21, say, and us- want to see people wandering around For such a laissez-faire attitude to be thrust drive money and power into the hands ing in a public place would be forbid- with cat ears or a tail but that’s a mat- upon users of the road, one would have to of mobsters, both of which they have den, excluding properties, clubs and ter of personal taste. What really mat- place a great deal of faith in road users. been reluctant to relinquish ever since. the like, with a certain license. What ters is what you want to do, what you However, many who use the road aren’t regu- Instead of simply legalising drugs people do in the privacy of their own want to look like, what you want to lar residents, such as tourists for museums such as heroin and cocaine and leav- homes, however, should be their own be. and the surrounding area. A prime example ing the population to their own de- business, within reason. We have the technology to make all is the roundabout at the corner with Prince vices, we should provide a reputable As with the nature of this debate, I this possible. Reconstruction surgeons Consort Road. Situated on a prime route to market for their sale. So much of the don’t expect this proposal to be uni- must be itching to do something other Ethos, it is a popular location to cross for danger of illicit drugs is in the mystery versally lauded but I do believe it than treat burns victims and insecure students. Now, turning for cars is only vague- of whatever they’ve been cut with, makes sense. Decriminalisation will Harley Street patrons. Jellyfi sh and ly regulated. Confusion reigns, especially and the lengths people go to acquire free up the police to pursue other other fantastic oddballs of DNA have when car indicators are not even used. them. An above-board market would crime and a legal market would bring the genes that enable us to some really Consider the behaviour of motorists on bring with it standards in formula- with it taxation and revenue. Ka- weird stuff. Luminescence is simply Queen’s Gate and the surrounding area. Par- tion, dose, and purity and would leech ching. The idea that legalisation will page one material. ticularly at busy times, little consideration signifi cant control away from career turn us all into crackasmackheads (my We should also have access to nor- can often be shown to those waiting at zebra criminals (and I don’t mean City of own term) doesn’t really hold water. mally medicinal drugs to modulate crossings. As problems still exist in other lo- London bankers). After all, who can Alcohol and nicotine are both perfect- and alter our bodily function. Nearly cations around campus, whether due to the compete with Tesco’s prices? ly legal and yet we don’t all go around every drug has its own niche side- location of crossings or other traffic regula- boozing and puffi ng. Other drugs are effect. If Big Pharma knew there was tions that could be improved, is it really time dangerous, true, but these are no ex- a market for it on the other end, they to give drivers more free reign? ception. I’ve seen enough patients on wouldn’t have a problem emphasising While pioneering schemes such as the Ex- As wiwithth the nature the wards that have gone bright yel- this otherwise small print. Personally, hibition Road redesign are to be admired for low and can’t catch a single breath. I would take rifampicin daily to turn their scope and ambition, one can’t help but of this debate, I This is just the start though. Do you enjoy my urine bright orange. How great feel that there has been a major oversight In the 21st century, we should be anonymously would that be! with the new layout with regards to the public don’t expect this able to be the complete masters of exerting your For more than a decade, we have and many students who use the road every- our own reality. Some people have intellectual been able to become whoever we want day. Despite the shine of the newly cleaned proposal to be escaped the drudgery of this heaven superiority on the internet. Allowing real life to museums, we mustn’t be dazzled by the “ and earth for one of their own design over people become dull and restrictive by com- aesthetic impact. Traffic around campus is universally lauded in Second Life on the internet. Using you’ll never parison is the real crime at the centre still a key issue and hasn’t yet been cracked. drugs, from alcohol to LSD, is but one talk to ever of the drugs debate. You may scoff at We must study the new Exhibition Road and but I do believe it way to abscond this reality, if only for again? Well, my far-reaching proposals but I be- determine for ourselves whether an improve- a time. Others choose to augment their felixonline. lieve they have some merit. It would ment is incoming any time soon. makes sense appearance through tattoos, piercings co.uk is the certainly brighten up the journey into ” or stonking great breast implants. place for you! college each morning! FELIX Friday 03 february 2012 15 COMMENT The right to offend

n case you haven’t been follow- else. I am a (wavering) Lib Dem, and ing the news, here’s a quick sum- I get shit about it all the time – I don’t mary: the UCL Atheist, Secular see why religion should receive a spe- and Humanist Society’s president cial status that should protect it from all stepped down this week after sorts of criticism that pretty much every massiveI pressure from the UCL Union. other sort of deeply held view, whether The Society had used a picture from the on politics, economics, music or Tube “Jesus and Mo” web comic to advertise Trains (how the fuck can you like the an event, and were promptly served with Northern Line?) will receive. a takedown notice from the UCL Union. Look, I am not going to pretend that I When the society shot back with a peti- have a good enough understanding of Is- Tagore tion, 4,000 people (including Richard lamic/Christian/Jewish/Hindu/Pastafar- Dawkins) signed it overnight, and the ian Scripture to have a proper theological Yep, he may offend people, but consider this: without him, no Karl Pilkington Nakornchai UCLU was forced to back down. debate, but I’ve read around the subject Days later, at a Queen Mary Athe- enough to have a sensible and reasoned ism, Secularism and Humanism Society view of the various religions. If I take a meeting, an angry man interrupted an quote out of context, or misunderstand Freedom of Speech is perhaps the most where everything is going “just right”. event where an anti-Sharia Law cam- the point of the text – then fi ne, feel free important aspect of our modern democ- To censor anything that could be even paigner, Anne Marie Waters of “One to correct me – but don’t tell me that I racy – the ability to express our doubts, remotely offensive, even to a small mi- Law for All”, was due to give a speech. have no right whatsoever to criticize concerns and criticism of current events nority of students, is a dangerous prec- He threatened to murder the attendees the various aspects of your religion. I’m is what differentiates the success of the edent. It could be used as a tool to stifl e and their families, forcing the cancella- pretty sure most Christians are happy Democratic World from Dictatorships. legitimate debate and to force people to tion of the event and the calling of cam- enough criticizing Islam (or Mormons), Yes, we complain about policing policy, apologize and back down. It is, however, pus security. and most Muslims are happy to criticize or about the UK’s foreign policy – but important to differentiate between re- And then, on Friday, the LSE Atheist, Christianity – only when their own reli- it’s the fact that we can actually complain strictions on offensive speech and speech Secularist and Humanist Society were gion is under a spotlight do people really or take action that means that we have that would cause actual harm – nobody charged with “Islamphobia” by their Stu- get touchy. the ability to cause change and to drive (except a crazy Ron Paul Libertarian dent Union because members posted car- I’d bet most people don’t follow all the and motivate people to do something who believes solely in rights and not in toons that made fun of the prophet Mo- rules in the book anyway – mainstream about the problem. responsibilities) would say a person has hammed on their Facebook group. This Christianity and Judaism have left the Of course, we fi nd a lot of things peo- a right to yell “fi re” in a crowded theatre. apparently made the Society’s web-page worst bits of the Old Testament well be- ple say unacceptable and reprehensible And one last thing – every other large Yes, sosometimes an “unwelcoming” place for Muslim stu- hind them, and nobody really follows the – I fi nd a lot of things that the BNP have university in London has an Atheist, dents. Who’d a thunk? I’d probably feel Koran word for word, do they? to say reprehensible, and I most certainly Agnostic and Humanist Soicety, while people make jokes unwelcome walking into an Islam Soc or Instead of crying foul and trying to don’t agree with the views of Christian Imperial’s Atheists and Agnostics Soci- Christian Union meeting or discussion, stifl e their critics through censorship or or Muslim Fundamentalists on gay mar- ety shut down 2 years ago. It’s high time that could be even if people were being completely intimidation, religious groups should riage – I even fi nd them (as a straight that, in a time where many government cool about it. There’s just something attempt to face up to their criticism and person) slightly offensive, because it im- policies are increasingly infl uenced by considered insulting about walking into a discussion group, respond appropriately. Yes, sometimes plies that having different views on sexu- religious fundamentalists (Nadine Dor- “ both online and offl ine, for people with people make jokes that could be consid- ality is weird, or abnormal in some way. ries’ repeated attempts to trash school or in bad taste, but views you don’t agree with that makes ered insulting or in bad taste, but this is I fi nd suggestions that atheists are im- sex education classes, and to outlaw people relatively uncomfortable. an important part of freedom of speech; moral materialists even more offensive, abortion comes to mind), and with the this is an important Religion, to many people, is a highly cartoons are a perfectly legitimate way yet you don’t fi nd me running to Scott increasingly vocal religious societies in- personal and spiritual thing – I get that, of expressing your views – they may not Heath’s offi ce to demand an apology viting controversial speakers to the Col- part of freedomdom of but people also seem to believe that reli- be as sophisticated or as eloquent as an from the offending society. An important lege, that there should be a voice of non- gion should get a special status and that academic paper or a non-fi ction book, part of being able to criticize others is the belief and reason in the college. I mean, speech it shouldn’t be subject to the normal criti- but the artist still has a right to express willingness to accept criticism yourself, even King’s has one, and, as a Medic, if cism that is often applied to everything his views. rather than living in a rose-tinted world GKT has something, we need one at IC! Give” TfL a break

“ h sorry I’m late, fucking Yes, TfL isn’t perfect. Sure, the buses Not to mention that nights out at catch a bus. Unless you’re luckier than Transport for London” sometimes stop their journeys half way home usually entail more coercion, bar- a lottery winner who’s just eaten a good – the familiar refrain through without explanation. And yes, gaining and bribery than the allocation sandwich from Tesco, you’ll fi nd that uttered by thousands of the Circle and/or District line is guar- of a World Cup as you attempt to nego- the buses rarely keep to schedule, and Londoners every day. I anteed to be mysteriously closed ev- tiate a deal whereby you can get to and aren’t regular enough to compensate for Amean it was obviously a failure of the ery weekend (for the addition of new from the location and have somewhere this fact. bastards that you couldn’t make it to trains – I’m having none of it). But to sleep. Since being in London, I’ve Next time you start blaming your tar- drinks/lectures/sessions of parliament take a moment, think back to whatever not thought once about how I’m going diness on the transport system, stop. Re- on time. Right? dark hole Imperial did you the service to get home – there’ll always be a night consider what you’re about to say and WRONG. I say we all take a look of dragging you out of and try to recall bus. just think. London is a huge city and yet at ourselves. Was it really the bus that the state of the public transport. If your The Londoners amongst you are the buses and tubes are regular, inex- Laurence de made you late, or was it something to experience was anything like mine, re- probably now itching to tell me of im- pensive and actually, dare I say it, fairly do with the fact you were in pyjamas, pressed memories of irregular services, portant defects I’ve missed, maybe the quick. So yes, TfL may have cheekily Lussy Kubisa stuffi ng yourself with so much Special long waits, suspiciously expensive tick- fact that the buses rarely arrive when raised their prices by 5p over the New K it lost any scarce ability it once had to ets and the complete inability to travel scheduled. Whilst this is true, to those Year (nothing gets past me) and yes, at keep your fi gure trim fi ve minutes be- between 11pm and 6:30am should hor- naysayers I can only suggest one thing: times they can be extremely frustrating. fore you were supposed to leave? rifyingly resurface. go somewhere that is not London, then But come on guys, give TfL a break. 16 Friday 03 february 2012 FELIX Comment Editors: Tim Arbabzadah Sam Horti COMMENT [email protected] Competency, wompetency

nless you’re a masochist, spent the most time preparing for them applying for jobs these and not the people who are in reality most days, whilst never exactly suited for the role. Especially when you being pleasant process, is consider that there is a plethora of books a terrible experience from that you can buy (Amazon has over 700) Uevery point of view. Not only is the stu- and there are even week long interview dent dream of free(ish) money, big booty training courses that train you up. hoes and four months off a year over, you Thinking about a “time when you’ve have to deal with the painful applica- solved a problem in a group using initia- tion process itself. First of all, why is it tive” or something similarly ridiculous is necessary to apply for a job starting next pretty hard to do on the spot when you’ve Chandra September a year in advance? Come on got a panel of grizzled interviewers, pens guys, it doesn’t take that long to skim at the ready, waiting for you to open your read a couple of pages! Surely they can cake hole. It’s a horrible moment. Your Chadalawada start things off a bit later on, giving us caffeine addled mind goes into overdrive, You think JP Morgan interviews are bad, you should do one for the Daily Mail. You have to shout incoherently about the latest hot button issue (and them) more time to ease back into drudging up half forgotten memories of things after summer. It’s bad enough deal- that group project you did in second ing with labs, lectures and tutorials after a year where you did… oh shit what was lazy summer let alone fi lling out a billion it exactly? It’s in that split second when numbers of hours, scratching your head terviews, are moving to alternatives such job applications on top of that. This brings you notice your interviewer has the rem- trying to remember anything you ever as strength based interviews, which are me onto my main bone of contention. nants of a long digested croissant stuck to did that was vaguely impressive, relating designed to fi nd what really motivates Now I completely understand a fi rm their tie (true story there) and your train them to competencies like “Makes An people, their true strengths and whether can’t just hire any old chump, but there of thought is gone. It’s now offi cially Impact” and “Gets Things Done”. Those these make them suitable for the role. is no need for the fallacy that is Compe- an awkward silence so you go “Basi- ridiculous statements are genuinely Many industries could also learn a lot tency Based Interviews. The word itself, cally, erm…” and out comes a mumbled, two of the competencies for a very well from consultancy fi rms who frequently ... the inintervieweri competency, is an abhorrent example of spluttering load of bullshit about how known bank by the way; I’m not mak- use case interviews. These test the candi- corporate-speak and, like most silly cor- you somehow did something incredible ing them, or the grammatically incorrect date’s ability to solve a pseudo-real world regurgitatesregurgit a porate terms, it was conceived in the 80s like saving an African tribe from Ebola capitalisation, up. They’re also incredibly problem, actively testing the same skills when most historians agree people were whilst furthering your dream of working boring for people on both sides of the ta- needed for the actual job. It’s a shame that bunch of questions too busy doing cocaine and avoiding in *insert company here*, when in reality ble: the interviewer regurgitates a bunch these days to succeed in almost anything, nuclear Armageddon (perhaps not at the you were probably more hungover than of questions from a piece of paper and from exams to interviews, there are few from a piece of same time) to think very logically. The Charlie Sheen on New Year’s Day, nod- you regurgitate some prepared answers. alternatives but to learn the script and fol- “ purpose of an interview is to evaluate the ding mindlessly to whatever the annoy- It’s like A-Levels where you won’t get the low it to a T. I guess it’s better than being paper and you candidate’s motivation, skills and knowl- ing, chirpy one in your group said, whilst marks unless you put in the key words. unemployed in a ditch, drinking K Cider, edge to fi nd the ideal candidate for the dreaming of a Boneless Banquet. Oh, and It’s a state of affairs that hasn’t escaped which is apparently what the legions of regurgitate some role (according to Wikipedia). This is pre- if you don’t answer using the STAR tech- the attention of employers. Several, in- unemployed graduates are doing now cisely where a Competency Based Inter- nique, just leave – you’re done for. cluding Ernst and Young, one of the Big according to the Daily Mail. Anyway, I prepared answerssswerswers view fails. The problem with them is that Your only option if you want any hope 4, who are collectively perhaps the oldest gotta go guys, I have to think of times I they strongly favour the people who have of getting the job is to spend an unending and greatest advocates of competency in- “drove things forward in a team”… Cutting” through the pain of haircuts

ave you ever had to en- more words. Phone’s bad enough, but in make a fuss. Although inside you’re ter- ished, and had been asked a simple direct dure torture? Well, I have, person is much worse. Last time I tried rifi ed they’re about to chop off way more question. That’s when you go into full and so have you. On this, it did not go well. I was walking than has been agreed. back-in-school-teacher-has-picked-on- Wednesday the 25th of confi dently, not cockily strutting mind, Hair wet, person with sharp objects me-I-wasn’t-listening mode and forget January, I – wait for this – but with the vague swagger of a man near your neck, suspended in a chair be- that, as an adult, you can just say that you hadH a haircut. If that doesn’t immediately on a mission: for I, was about to get my neath a layer of protection from the spill didn’t hear as a dryer drowned them out. draw you in, I don’t know what will. I haircut. As I opened the door, coat bil- of stuff being cut off you: this is when the Next comes the big reveal. It’s all been know it may be a bit over the top to call lowing in the wind, I suddenly started to real torture is about to start. It’s a tense leading up to this point and… fuck, (as this torture, but bear with me. panic and sweat, profusely. Shit. I hope- moment, worthy of any Bond scene. “Do I have to mix up my swear words a bit, First of all, booking a haircut. That’s fully thought in my head. I don’t have you expect me to talk?” “No, Mr Arb- I need a plethora of options to choose harder than you may think, mainly be- an opening line. I have no way to open abzadah, I expect you to make cheerful from) this is not exactly as I had planned Tim Arbabzadah cause I’m not sure the exact sentence that this conversation. I know why I’m here, small talk, and look as if you’re not se- it. Crap, (see, mixing it up) this doesn’t I should say when calling up. I mean, I they know why I’m here, what do I say. I cretly regretting the length you’re letting look quite as good as it did in my head. know it’s not “Hello fi ne sir or madame, think I went with “errrrr, errrrr, haircut?” me cut off”. Maybe I’m slightly exag- Why exactly did I make myself so hand- I wish to purchase one haircut, jolly A regular James Bond, I know. gerating, it’s not that bad talking, but it some in my head; that was a terrible idea. good show” but apart from that, I’m a You’re sat down in a chair and then can be a bit awkward. Especially when, It seems they have cut it how I wanted, ... ““e“errrerrrrrrrr, errrrr, bit lost. Do I say I want an appointment? asked what you want done with it, at after seeing the amount of hair falling on but my own face and head has let me That seems a bit too formal and makes which point you fumble around for an the fl oor and how it’s starting to shape down. At this point, you realise that, ac- haircut?”haircut? A regular it sound like I think I’m going to see a explanation that matches the image in up, you’re making a face akin to a deer tually, it’s always like this. It’ll take a few doctor. Perhaps, I could just ask for a your head. When you fi nally decide on in the headlights. There’s also the classic days or so for it to grow out and adopt the James Bond, I haircut. That still feels somewhat lack- the style you have the “This much? No, moment when you realise that you had style you were aiming for. By the time it ing; last time I tried that there was an okay, this much? How about this much?” spaced out, trying to tell yourself that it’s does, you’ll be used to it and all will be know awkward silence where I think the person at which point you usually just say yes as okay as you’re only half way through fi ne. Panic over, disaster averted. Well, “ ” on the end of the line expected me to say you don’t want to be too much bother and and it will look totally different when fi n- until the next time... FELIX Friday 03 february 2012 17 COMMENT Become a vegetarian, save the world!

ustainability is a hot topic. library café provides just two different Yet despite all the recent vegetarian baguettes, both of which conventions and talks on are cheese, both of which sell out by sustainability, it’s still about 1pm. Poor form. In addition to hard to know what living this, whilst attending college events Ssustainably really means. throughout January, I have turned So this year I am conducting my down free chicken kebabs, smoked own sustainability experiment. I am salmon sandwiches and sushi in fa- calling it ‘12 Sustainable Months of vour of egg and cheese sandwiches, 2012’, and my mission is to fi nd out which is just not cool. This is not to how sustainable living can realistical- mention experiences outside of col- Caroline Wood ly be achieved. Every month of 2012 I lege, including going to Nando’s and will be trying a different (supposedly) not ordering chicken, and saying no sustainable lifestyle habit. E.g. I’ll be to bacon sandwiches cooked by my trying one month of ‘no plastic bags’, housemate one morning. All in all, it one month of ‘zero waste’, one month is pretty inconvenient to be vegetar- of ‘sustainable travel’… you get the ian. idea. Lack of choice aside, the other main This January, I decided to become issue is that vegetarian options just a weekday vegetarian. This means don’t taste as good as the meat op- not eating any meat on weekdays. tions. Is there really a meat eater out Maybe Morrissey’s mum and dad thought the whole vegetarian thing was just a phase he would grow out of. Turns out, maybe it’s not The idea is that, for those who shud- there who would choose a cheddar der at the thought of becoming an ac- and tomato baguette over a chicken tual vegetarian, and fi nd the thought and bacon one (especially when they of saying “this is my last ever KFC” are exactly the same price)? I highly number of other factors would need to the world’s food crisis?” The author incomprehensible, this is a more sus- doubt it. On asking one of the biggest be considered, such as where the ani- argues that not only could lab grown tainable yet less brutal alternative. meat lovers I know, Eugene Wong, mals live, what they eat and so on; the meat reduce the environmental im- (See Graham Hill’s TED talk “Why about how he’d feel about giving up point is that with over 7 billion people pact associated with animal rearing, I’m a weekday vegetarian”.) meat for fi ve days a week, he said: on the planet, the energy saved if ev- it could be engineered to have less On the scale of “I only eat plants” “Which sane individual would infl ict eryone were to become a vegetarian fat and also prevent animal-borne I am notno sure to “I eat a steak for breakfast”, I fall that sort of grave injustice on a fellow would be signifi cant. diseases. I am not convinced that eat- somewhere in the middle. I thought human being?” Need I say more? So, there is a real case for eating less ing meat grown in a lab is really that that gloglobal that becoming a vegetarian for just The main point to consider in this meat. But is there a real solution? If appealing. However, if farming meat fi ve days a week for one month would discussion, however, is this: if every- a ‘moderate meat eater’ like myself for over 7 billion people is unsustain- abstinence from be super easy. However, it has not all one stopped eating meat, would it ac- found it fairly challenging to give up able, yet we are not ready to end our been plain sailing. tually make a signifi cant difference? meat fi ve days out of seven for one love affair with meat, perhaps a more meat is really a I have found that there are two rea- Based on a moderately active person month, where does that leave the real radical solution such as this should be sons why being vegetarian is not as with a weight of 65kg who consumes meat lovers of this world? Sadly, I am seriously considered. realistic solution. easy as expected: 1. Vegetarian op- about 2600 calories per day, it is esti- not sure that global abstinence from tions are pretty limited. 2. Meat tastes mated that a vegetarian has a footprint meat is really a realistic solution. But I’ll be blogging about my “12 Sustain- But is there way better than vegetarian foods. of 5.5kWh per day and a carnivore has is there another option? able Months of 2012” on: http://caro- The fi rst is, I think, the main diffi - a footprint of 12kWh per day. This This weekend, The Guardian pub- linesarahwood.posterous.com and another option? culty. There is a severe lack of veg- means vegetarians have less than half lished an article entitled “Could lab- also tweeting about my experiences on etarian food available. For starters, the the footprint of carnivores. Although a grown meat soon be the solution to twitter: [email protected] Awkward” conversations

ow I’m not really one Starbucks. ing what you bought your mother for and habits. How you squirm out of that to feel self-conscious. Why is it then that all the social bees Christmas. Why?! You wouldn’t speak one I have no idea. Answers on a post- If we’re being brutally seem to congregate at public swimming to me clothed – why speak to me with card please. honest here, I actually pools? Swimming is not a social sport. such gusto now that the crown jewels This is one of those rare instances quite like getting atten- You spend the majority of your time are available for viewing?! when life would be so much better tionN – a hangover from my Mum never burying your head under water as if And it doesn’t stop at the changing if people weren’t quite so keen to be looking at how high I was going. Re- you’re frantically training for the Som- room doors. Never has the expression friendly. When I become President of cent experience, however, has taught erset under-23 county apple-bobbing “do you come here often?” been so ut- the United World this will be my fi rst me that I have boundaries – lines that championships. This is not the kind of terly misused as during stilted chats in royal decree: no extraneous words in should not, under any circumstances, be pastime that you’d imagine would ap- the shallow end. The correct use of that swimming pools. That will be all. crossed. peal to the chatterboxes. phrase should have it dripping in irony. Edward Yoxall You often hear folk whinging these But it does. Oh, how it does. In nor- It is NOT correct when both parties are Ned is doing Ironman Wales to raise days (folk never used to grumble in the mal life, someone’s willy fl opping dripping wet and literally dressed in money for the Cystic Fibrosis Trust. good ol’ days, you see) that London is around in the breeze would be cause speedos. You can sponsor him online by visit- an anti-social place. Nobody speaks to for looking away in embarrassment, or Boys have it easy though. Several ing www.justgiving.com/NedsIronman you on the tube, you can never catch perhaps letting out a little snigger. But times my other half has come home or by text through JustTextGiving by that attractive person’s eye and not not in the public baths’ changing rooms. from her swim to tell me that other sending ‘IRON66 £(amount you’d like one person has EVER asked you what Such a sight is an open invitation for members of the fairer sex have quizzed to give)’ to 70070. Thanks for your sup- you’re writing on your MacBook Pro in chatting about the weather, or ask- her on personal gardening techniques port! 18 Friday 03 february 2012 FELIX Arts Editors: W i l l P r i n c e Eva Rosenthal ARTS [email protected] Fluent on Paper does Hip to Bee square Looking The Poet’s Column good on Guys play girls and girls play guys in Tourists Paper by Cas Nadel comically dark Japanese kidnapping

Eva Rosenthal himself. These metamorphoses were choreo- Stupid fucking tourists getting in the way, graphed with astuteness: Pritchard, confi dent why don’t you learn to ride the mother fucking The ease with which Ido, protagonist of The as the loud-mouthed Anchoku, takes a bat train? Bee, morphs from law-abiding and rather bor- to the head when Ido loses his patience with Gawking at the signs squiggly lines unrefi ned – ing businessman – of the kind who present police procedure. He keels over and as Ido can’t fi nd the stop you’re looking for; their sons with calculators for their 6th birth- drags an imaginary body away, Pritchard dons lurching on the fl oor. day – to terrorising monster is stupefying but a green cap and with scared eyes, instantly Missing the door by a hair, unaware: altogether not far removed from reality. After becomes Ogoro’s terrifi ed son. Ogoro’s wife step out in front, elbow in naval – grunt. all, murderers lead at least some semblance of is a pitiable character, played with surprising You’re liable and unreliable, unpliable – a ‘normal’ life up until that fateful murderous sex-appeal and femininity by Hideki Noda, the Tim Arbabzadah there’s a Burberry on every high street in your day. Perhaps it was because of this knowledge writer himself. The wife is forced into submis- country. that The Bee made for such unsettling viewing. sion by Ido and by the end barely complains At fi rst sight an event that describes itself as What’s the need to not proceed, When his family is kidnapped, Ido refuses to against the bestiality fl ung upon her. an open mic poetry night may not seem like preceding me so slowly? play the victim and takes the kidnappers’ wife something everyone can enjoy. You may even We’re not running hourly – minutes count. and son as hostages. What was initially a mat- assume that it, and by extension anyone writ- Pounds are always on the line, we’re running by ter of revenge on Ogoro, the stammering es- ing about it, will be pretentious; perhaps you the time, “Jarringly bright lights, capee murderer who wants his wife back, soon think it will be the sort of night where some- wound up like a clockwork Turk – descends into cold sickening pleasure for Ido. body without a beret would be persona non the system has to work! blood-red fl oors and Jarringly bright lights, blood-red fl oors and grata (see, not pretentious, quod erat demon- If you stop to tie your shoe, the bottle blocks - screaming Japanese music set the mood at strandum… too meta a joke?). I can assure wear crocks! screaming Japanese mu- the Soho Theatre for this chilling comedy, a you, Fluent on Paper is not at all like that. Tearing me asunder and I wonder “where’re your collaborative effort by Hideki Noda OBE and sic set the mood” The atmosphere was incredibly friendly, brains?” Colin Teevan. They have mingled hilarity with warm and encouraging. As well as having Did you leave them on the plane or with security? horror; The Bee is both funny and vaguely three guest poets, anybody could go up and He asked if you packed your bags yourself and terrifying. The script has a discordant aspect: The acting and staging are both impeccable, read their poetry. It didn’t matter if someone auto mode turned on and now on Portobello Road the sentences are brief, rhyming occasionally, but The Bee fails to entirely come together on had written their poem on the night, or had you’re slow - resulting in a terseness broken only by sound some fundamental level, This is perhaps be- carefully honed it over several months. Those pacing like a toad, stopping, starting, a bitch for effects of varying degrees of irritation. Com- cause, while the hilarity and horror succeed who did work up the nerve to step up to the mic any of us passing, asking which side will you step - bined with the strident tone of delivery used by as individual characteristics of The Bee, they and recite their poetry found a polite, receptive a never ending guess! the four actors, the script imposes its disturbed are never effectively welded together and and attentive audience waiting for them. idea on the audience members, who cannot at times even cancel each other out. Neither The poems themselves ranged from intro- Go back from whence you came I’ve got nothing help but laugh even when, for example, Ido is characteristic was emphasised with suffi cient spective musings to a lighter, comic tone – like ‘gainst those who can move and realise there are cutting a third fi nger off the little boy hostage. strength in the script, both falling slightly fl at, stand-up comedy, but with rhymes. The three others in the world with even less to prove than Four actors played ten characters: there and unable to create a vivid enough impres- set poets were all great. Chris Richardson you so remove your shoes, let us tread on your was much, and impressive, gender bending of sion on the viewer. The play, with its aggra- (aka Felix’s Travel Editor) read stories of his calcaneus. As long as you don’t slow progress. roles. Olivier Award winning actress Kathryn vating reporters and useless police force, is various travels, including one written in fairly Hunter was the sociopathic Ido; the repugnant already something of a caricature of society; a harsh conditions in a desert. Cas Nadel read I digress from the issue. Move the fuck out my aura that the character exudes from the start greater degree of exaggeration would not have quirky poems in her unique, semi-rap style. way! was a stroke of real inspiration. The useless hurt it. In spite of this, The Bee entertains and Dylan Lowe (a travel writer and former Felix police inspector, who has the task of delivering even poses some interesting questions about Travel Editor) continued on a theme of travel Ido’s and Ogoro’s messages of escalating vio- the more abominable depths of human nature. at the end of the night. lence, was played by Clive Mendus. Mendus At just over an hour in length, it would be the The organiser of the night, Kadhim Shub- was also responsible for a telephone ringtone perfect start to an evening out in Soho, provid- ber, was, much like a curious man at a urinal, Felix Arts is constantly of dizzyingly irritating proportions – earplugs ing at the very least a wealth of material for compering. As well as introducing the three would have been a good idea for this particu- discussion. set poets, he read some of his own material; looking for new poets. lar moment. Glyn Pritchard metamorphosed my personal favourite was ‘The Politician’s seamlessly from misogynistic detective An- The Bee at the Soho Theatre until Febru- Fingernails’, written about an image obsessed If you want to see your choku to Ogoro’s son and eventually to Ogoro ary 11th. Student tickets from £17.50 politician who is frantically worrying about work appearing here, do whether or not his fi ngernails are too long. At some point in the night, Kadhim also get in touch. introduced what became somewhat of an im- promptu theme. A friend, who I shall not fur- ther embarrass by naming, was trying to give up smoking. People were encouraged to write a poem (see Haiku in The Poet’s Column) for Untitled Haiku him to gently help him to persevere. They were mostly humorous in nature, with the exception by Dylan Lowe of one slightly more harrowing offering. In fact, I even braved the spotlight and read out a (slightly unconventionally structured, read: Swirling smoke inhaled poorly structured) poem to help convince him. Overall the evening was very enjoyable, and Innocent gale it may seem a great way to spend a relaxing Sunday night.

It fucks up your lungs Fluent on Paper at The Builders Arms at monthly intervals – the next is on Sunday Is it a guy? Is it a girl? One way to fi nd out! 19 February FELIX Friday 03 FEBRUARY 2012 19 ARTS Go Hajj or Go Home New exhibition at British Museum explores the greatest pilgrimage on Earth

Ahmed Mater’s Magnetism

Will Prince ever, it is not some ritual of a bygone elling from Timbuktu in 1324, to the lion Muslims to pilgrimage last year? of Hajj. Most touching of all, was the age, but rather one of that is present early package tours runs by Thomas I doubt it was an antique carpet. But scrapbook account of a ten year old I’d always thought writing opening and living. With this in mind, the ex- Cook in the 1800’s. Early on, we are herein lies that challenge taken up by British Muslim girl, recording her ac- paragraphs was hard. But no edito- hibition is split into three distinct sec- confronted by the majestic crimson Venetia Porter and co. How do you dis- count of her Hajj experience, written rial challenge that faces us, here in the tions, analysing the journey to Mecca, red mahmal - a ceremonial palanquin, til down this simultaneously spiritual up in neat hand-writing in the kind of Felix offi ce, comes anywhere close the rituals undertaken whilst at Mecca complete with pennants, embroidered and physical spectacle and present it in exercise book that is familiar to any to the mammoth task taken on by the and fi nally the experiences of those with fl oral patterns and Quranic verses the form of a museum exhibition, to an student. Ahmed Mater’s Magnetism British Museum (or, more truthfully, who have undertaken the pilgrimage. in a velvety black and gold – in which audience, the vast majority of whom equally sticks in the mind, representing by curator Venetia Porter) in its latest Drawing together an eclectic mix of Qu’rans were transported along the will never set foot in the holy city of Hajj, through a Ka’aba-shaped magnet exhibition, Hajj: Journey to the Heart modern art, antique relics and personal way to Mecca. Yet, despite a varied se- Mecca? with a crowd of iron fi lings, all circling of Islam. accounts, it aims to give glimpses from lection of maps, antique Qur’ans and in unison. Maybe it was the physicist Suitably housed under the domed throughout the ages into what is argu- photographs, along with the occasional in me, but the comparison of Islam roof of the Reading Room, the Brit- ably the world’s greatest, most enig- astrolabe, the collection of items on “How do you distil to an all-pervading, all-uniting fi eld, ish Museum presents an exploration matic religious phenomenon. display feels quite sparse. (It’s inter- struck me as more thought-provoking of the history, culture and experience esting to note that may be due in part down this spiritual that any of the antiques on display. of the fabled Muslim pilgrimage, Hajj, to the Islamic disapproval of material- Hajj: Journey to the Heart of Islam the fi rst recorded exhibition of its kind. “An eclectic mix of ism. Broadly speaking, its not in their and physical specta- is a valiant endeavour to wrestle with It comes as part of the museum’s study nature to cherish the kind of items something so visible, yet so impen- into faith and society: fi rst Book of modern art, antique that now make up most of your aver- cle?” etrable. For those who know little of the Dead in 2010, then Treasures of age museum’s collections, something Islam, Hajj gives a thorough account Heaven last year, analysed the impact relics and personal bemoaned by Shenaz Khemali in her that touches, if only briefl y, on almost of religious belief on the cultures of recent article in The Guardian.) The exhibition suffered at times from every shade of the world-wide Muslim Ancient Egypt and Medieval Europe accounts.” But it wasn’t so much the heritage resembling a three-dimensional text- community. For the more initiated, I respectively. But Hajj is quite a differ- that I really wanted from Hajj, but book, just presenting facts and items don’t know what else I can suggest, ent matter entirely. rather a greater insight into the won- in the uninspiring tone of a GCSE short of conversion. We’ve all wandered the corridors of The exhibition tracks the changing derment of the spiritual experience. religious studies teacher. However it museums and peered at little bits of journeys of pilgrims over the history Surely journeying to the heart of Islam was the personal accounts that, for this Hajj: Journey to the Heart of Islam at history, each originating from a time of Hajj, from the four month trip of hinges on understanding what indi- reviewer, most successfully revealed The British Museum until April 15. quite alien to our own. With Hajj how- the Malian King Mansa Musa, trav- vidually drove just shy of three mil- that understanding of the wonderment Tickets from £12 20 Friday 03 February 2012 FELIX Music Editors: Íñigo Martínez de Rituerto de Troya Stephen Smith MUSIC [email protected]

I started this column last year but any tive that the use of an MC is simply un- REVIEWS TECHNO recent input has been massively lack- necessary. That’s not to say you won’t ing. The feature started off highlighting hear any rapping on Stones Throw’s electronic music labels that were either releases; take Madlib’s recent col- NONSENSE doing big things at that time or labels laboration with Freddie Gibbs on the that should just be known due to their wonderful Thuggin’ EP for example. With powerful guitar riffs, Oli impact on music. I suppose this one However, for me at least, it’s always Oli Clipsham Clipsham surely knows how to falls into both categories. the instrumental work that really shines Because Even Crooks Can Act start up all of the songs from his Occasionally, music labels become through. It’s hard to exaggerate the in- latest EP Because Even Crooks synonymous with an individual scene fl uence this label has had and still does Can Act. From beginning it gets or genre, probably the most famous have on so much of electronic music you hooked, and the catchy cho- example of this being Motown in the today; James Blake’s most recent EP ruses sure seem to stay in your 1960’s. These days, with the almost samples a record put out by Stones head for a while. negligible price of production software Throw in 2000 while Donuts and Mad- The vocals are crisp and match and the ease at which music can be well with the full and expressive spread around the world, few labels ever “Home to some of metal-infl uenced guitar melody. get chance to develop such a standing. Overall they do a great job in- Stones Throw is a label which has done the most creative tegrating all of the instruments just that. Heralding from Los Angeles, and infl uential hip- to make an impressive set of with close links to Brainfeeder, Stones songs; these guys will make a Throw has become home to some of the hop artists.” breakthrough. most creative and infl uential hip-hop Celia Usero Navarro artists of the past decade. The label it- self was set up by Peanut Butter Wolf, villainy, by J Dilla and Madlib (in con- a DJ and crate-digger from California, juction with MF Doom) respectively, whose love for vinyl is refl ected by the are constantly cited as two of the best label’s policy of releasing music on big hip-hop albums of the last decade. slabs of black plastic (usually accompa- And so normally at the end of this col- nied by wonderful artwork). umn I give some tips to get you started J Rocc, Aloe Blacc and, recently, exploring the labels I feature. This time Dâm Funk have all put out records on though I think it’d be fi tting to tell y’all Slick licks of the ivories set the imprint, showing the increasing di- to just come down to Scala this Sun- Fshstk versity championed by the label; instru- day (5th Feb.) instead. A tribute night tones previously unthought of Simon Hunter to classics such as Eminem’s Friendly Hip Hop mental hip-hop, soul and modern funk to the incredible J Dilla is being held to ‘Lose Yourself’, while Whiz Khal- on the beat scene all being covered. Yet it is the work of raise awareness and money for the fi ght ifa’s ‘Black & Yellow’ turns into the late J Dilla and the vast output of against Dilla’s killer: a blood disease the nostalgic recollection of a groundbreakers Madlib in his many guises that really called Lupus. There simply won’t be a school dance heart -break be- defi nes the sound that Stones Throw is better showcase of what Stones Throw hind the bleachers. famous for: beats so smooth and inven- is all about. An improbable rendition of Lil Jon’s ‘Get Crunk’ sweeps with a swagger typically reserved for hazy Monday nights in smoky lounges. Sure to pop the hips of Forgive me Father, for I have scened even the most seasoned of ball- room champions and give the shyest wallfl owers a hydroponic kick in the backside. Mark England need more drugs” is so stripped down Íñigo Martínez de Rituerto that a chill crawled down my spine. Ob- Times New Viking’s third album Rip It viously, the lo-fi production value will Off, their fi rst to be released on Mata- not appeal to everyone’s tastes but there dor Records, became the darling of is a certain urgency and visceral thrill the so called ‘shitgaze’ scene. Which- which comes with abandoning any pre- ever Pitchfork employee exhausted tence of gloss. In fact, I will go so far the synonym function on his computer as to claim that the world has become to come up with such labels as witch so auto-tuned that it is entirely refresh- house, chillwave and nu-gaze certainly ing to fi nd a beautiful bubble-gum cho- Stewiwonda’s debut is a discon- surpassed his or herself by dreaming rus beneath layers of heavy distortion Stewiwonda certingly sweet concoction for up the genre of shitgaze. It was a short as in ‘Teen Drama’. In the garden of lived explosion of lo-fi guitar wailings I Found You the poison it provides. Blending The bubblegum border does it futuristic hip-hop with hazy witch trying to overshadow its more sullen for me. house undertones and cramping older brother, shoegaze. At fi rst it was “I need more money them in a blender with violent hard to comprehend such a proposition electro stabs, he covers clas- as anything but a joke that I couldn’t ‘cause I need more sics by staples as diverse as fi nd the punchline for. Yet there have drugs.” who persist with the whole album, James Brown, Spice Girls and been some promising bands to emerge, however, one can feel the exuberant the Beatles. namely the gut-wrenching fuzz of A buzz which Times New Viking have This EP holds moments so Place To Bury Strangers and the created. With their DIY aesthetic and delirious they are usually only dreamy distortion of Times New Vi- modern pop there are so many daisies barely any songs touching three min- found huffi ng old glue from a king. Revisiting the latter’s best re- dressed up as roses that to actually fi nd utes, the band channel true punk spirit dirty sock. Doctor says copious lease, Rip It Off, and having discovered one fragrant and beautiful fl ower which to make something which is up there amounts of chronic may be nec- how impressive it was, I refuse to let it manages to grow in a suffocating en- with No Age’s releases. Many will essary to cope through interpre- be forgotten in some scene which has vironment of feedback and screeching be put off by the abrasive nature of tations such as these. lost its hipster appeal. guitars is such a wonderful experience. ‘Rip It Off’ but I would implore you Íñigo Martínez de Rituerto The best song on the album is ‘My Other highlights on the album include to give this album a try because I have Head’ with its anti-poetic, discordant ‘Mean God’ and ‘Another Day’ which found that it is not just another lo-fi lyrics nestled in a bed of feedback. The are both listenable to by people who hipster bullshit offering; there is real cry of “I need more money ‘cause I cannot get into lo-fi . For those of you beauty beneath. FELIX Friday 03 February 2012 21 MUSIC

No exit from reality George Jeffery’s A beginner’s guide to Íñigo Martínez de Rituerto on music as a futile post-hardcore interrogation of the state of the world Lesson 4: Every Time I Die

usic, like all art, is a cre- a public paragon of truism this episode might worn in public, would likely have her arrested ative outlet addressing two have felt to her, I doubt any furry animals were in certain parts of the world. domains: affronting reality spared from the high street. Metal is an interesting genre on opposite and escaping it. The fi rst Music alone may not stir great upheaval, but counts. While psychedelic music is all about can be witnessed in the ef- it’s grounding in the sublime has greater power taking drugs and outlandishly redefi ning the hu- fortsM of the punk movement to criticize the val- than most to affect our mood and our dispo- man condition, metal is perhaps the archetypal ues of modern society, or as a means of raising sition to behave or act in certain ways. How- genre of honest fantasy. Singing about dragons awareness and capital for charitable causes. ever indirectly, it is this through this character and muscular women wielding swords of steel The second aims to create an alternative real- that it may cause veritable change in the real will never bring them about, but in some cases ity, an escape from the mundane, numbing the world. The subjective nature of music, as with leaving imagination as a willful illusion may be ferocity of practical life. any other medium of free expression, makes the only viable escape from reality. Paradoxically, even while directly address- it diffi cult to obtain tangible, objective results. One subgenre which seemed to miss this ex- ing current affairs, a medium such as music Nonetheless, it is this abstraction which allows istential loophole altogether is black metal, the What better way to wave goodbye to week 4 than can’t help but recede into the latter category. it to touch far more profoundly the complexion Satanic cousin of the hairy-chested longhairs. with a timely fi x of post-hardcore goodness. This What good will shouting about police brutal- of individuals, driving them to action. Predominantely a Scandinavian phenomenon, week, I’ll be telling you all about Every Time I Die. ity or state control do to those living under The emotional charge of a piece of music the alienated youths behind the movement mis- As was the case with the second lesson’s band, oppressive government? Likewise, the mea- can awaken or invigorate passions in people takenly wore the veil of Satanism as an shock- Refused, Every Time I Die doesn’t strictly belong surable benefi t of an event such as Live Aid is that may cause evident impressions in the ing cover for their people’s plight in preserving to the post-hardcore genre but for anyone follow- as questionable as a token donation to Unicef. lives of others. To this end, it should not be the pagan culture destroyed by Christianisation. ing this column, this band cannot be missed. Insofar as it acts as a medium of expression seen as a primary agent for change but rather Surely a poorly chosen guise, given the trivial As a product of the New York alternative music and an open stage for personal opinions, the as a stimulant. diabolisation of such strategies by the media. scene, Every Time I Die has a strong hardcore freedom procured by this creative vessel has They might have been more successful in their infl uence present in their sound but they have a many benefi ts for individual and communal attempts to stand up for national dignity by say- vast platter of extra offerings too. Frontman Keith well-being. Unfortunately, much like a picket “A willful illusion may ing it with a straight face rather than painting Buckley adopts the gruff vocal style of hardcore line in the middle of nowhere, ultimately little themselves like Kiss and putting on an evil gri- punk but in some tracks does show off his more fruit will come of it unless it is directed in a be the only viable mace. It’s a pity their burning of churches was gentle side with melodic tunes sure to get stuck calculated and scrupulous way. Given the van- seen as an act of malevolence rather than the escape from reality.” in your head. A prime example of this is in the ity of mainstream media, especially when it righteous reclamation of pagan holy land they song ‘Wanderlust’ from their most recent album comes to the arts, the only way of getting a intended. This insular norwegian episode was New Junk Aesthetic. I am almost certain that some message to the masses would be to infi ltrate The power of music may be exploited as a an interesting and often confusing example of weird voodoo magic has gone into the track be- the very system which censors sound opinions platform for propaganda or an enticement into fantasy infringing upon reality, to the point of cause it is literally always in my head. That being for lack of marketability or for being too offen- action. With a decent enough backing track, sabotaging its own intentions. said, it’s a pleasure to have such a great piece of sive to force upon the majority of consumers. virtually any message may be forced on the Even in misleading circumstances, the vo- music as an imaginary friend. Like any organised protest, unless the initiative naïve or subservient listener. All it takes is a ciferous agitations aroused by mere waves in As I mentioned earlier, they are not strictly post- attains a critical mass, it will either fall on deaf catchy melody and an explicit beat to leave air are at least commendable for their initiative hardcore and this is evident when they are com- ears or slip under the noisy radar altogether. the world at your feet, hanging on your ev- and occasional integrity, however futile an at- pared to other bands in this series. As opposed to Lady Gaga’s meat dress was about as sub- ery word, regardless of how false, immoral tempt may be to make a difference in a largely the unpredictable and choppy music of Glassjaw versive as it was offensive. While at least an or ridiculous your claims may be. In a world indifferent society. and At The Drive-In, Every Time I Die do not in- admirable attempt to protest animal cruelty, where sexual inequality and stereotypes run As Gil Scott-Heron prophesied, “the revo- fuse this kind of underlying asymmetry into the es- her own exhibitionism managed to stifl e her ever rampant, Beyoncé’s ‘Girls (Who Run lution will not be televised, it will be live.” sence of their music. Their sound is more (for lack intentions. It was seen by most as just another the World)’ couldn’t be any more misguided. Ultimately, change must happen in the minds of a much better word) conventional, without the outlandish dress from her eccentric wardrobe. Whether the lyrics “who run this motha?” re- of the people. Only then will it become mani- strange time signatures and noise experiments. Had she started an affi liate clothing line with fer to Mother Earth or someone else, she seems fest in the real world. In this sense, perhaps the But this shouldn’t be taken the wrong way. Every a corporate butcher, perhaps the press would to have dropped way out of her depth. All the quiet character of this ghostly medium may Time I Die never fail to create a phenomenal al- have clung on for a few days longer. However while perplexingly dressed in a fashion that, if fi nd a place in our fl ickering existence after all. bum with every part of their back catalogue being as good if not better than the last. Every time they release a new record, I always get the feeling that they cannot top their previous release and so I always think the new one will be a let down, but Disney’s Lost Control it never is! Be sure not to miss... For this reason, I urge you to buy their upcoming album Ex-Lives (out 6th March) as I would not be at J Dilla Changed My Life Íñigo Martínez de Rituerto all surprised if it is their best… so far. Remember to check out the recommendation and see you all Scala next week! Sunday 5, Feburary Somehow, the suicidal undertones of Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures have managed J Dilla revolutionised hip-hop to escape the merchandising department at Disney. After being on sale for three days, the by taking the glory back from the Writer’s Recommendation rhymes to the beats. Taken much motion picture giant has been forced to discon- tinue a shirt design which playfully combined too soon by a rare blood disease, Listen to the song ‘Wanderlust’, although I warn the 1979 album cover with Mickey Mouse’s his loss was as touching as his life you, it will get stuck in your head for the rest of unmistakable silhouette. work to many of the most forward your life. thinking producers of the beat Whether the true fault of this ill manouvre is scene world wide. a blatant act of bootlegging or indirectly hook- Íñigo Martínez de Rituerto ing children to anti-depressants from an early age is open to debate. 22 Friday 03 february 2012 FELIX Television Editors: George Barnett James Simpson TELEVISION [email protected] Sex, drugs, violence, and My Little Pony Sam Flynn gives us the lowdown from Ponyville, and proof that anything we get sent does actually get printed

alf way through its second sea- retort that the series in fact tackles deep moral son, Felix has yet to review My issues and struggles that people of all ages can Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. associate with. For example, the season one epi- Shame. The oddly popular TV se- sode ‘Bridle Gossip’ depicts how the residents ries based on the line of Hasbro of Ponyville fear a zebra because she is different Htoys has gained immense popularity since it de- and unknown. The episode is resolved when the buted in 2010, spawning an entire subculture of ponies are able to realise their casual racism is fans older than the target demographic, known wrong and befriend the zebra. as Bronies and Pega-sisters. The show was developed by Lauren Faust, If somehow you have been oblivious to the whose previous work includes The Powerpuff arrival of My Little Pony (MLP), a summary is Girls and Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends. required. Each episode follows a roughly simi- Award winning composer Daniel Igram includes lar structure: One of the mane (see what I did a variety of themes in his music for MLP, rang- there?) six ponies typically encounters an event ing from Broadway parodies (‘At the Gala’) to that disrupts everyday life. Only by working to- gospel choir tracks (‘Hush Now Lullaby’). gether as a team and using the magic of friend- The show’s popularity with older audiences ship are they are able to overcome their diffi cul- is due in large part to Hasbro’s unusual deci- ties and save the day. Far from being formulaic, sion to allow fans to post and edit clips and full the show is able to use this skeletal template to episodes online (take that, SOPA and ACTA). their advantage, with enough variety and subsid- This allowed the community to fl ourish, with it A still from the musical number ‘At the Gala’ from the episode ‘Best Night Ever’ ence to entertain the older fans whilst keeping it growing at a tremendous rate. It is also notable suitable for younger audience members. that Hasbro actively works with the community, Critics of the show will often stress the sim- incorporating feedback from fans directly into was left in as part of an animator’s joke) was plicity of the themes, and the fact that the show the show. spotted in the very fi rst episode of season one Want to win Michael Portillo’s is aimed at young girls. Fans of the show will Derpy Hooves (whose cross-eyed expression and quickly became a fan favourite, inspiring a “Where’s Wally?” style game between the Great British Railway Jour- show’s artists and fans. She was recently made canon when she had a speaking role in ‘The Last neys? If not, then you clearly Roundup’. In an era when the majority of entertainment need to re-evaluate your life available is sex, drug or violence related it is genuinely refreshing to fi nd a show that pro- and get some Portillo time in. motes integrity, morals and staying true to your- self. Sure, you might not like all of the main six Just send an email to equally (you will love them all though!), but this show has something for anyone willing to give [email protected] with the it a try. All broadcast episodes of My Little Pony: answer to: “In which year did Friendship is Magic are available on YouTube in 1080p. The next episode ‘Read It and Weep’ the famous ‘Portillo moment’ will be broadcast Saturday 4 February on The Hub and will be available on YouTube later that occur?” “Rule 34: If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions.” day. Imperial Medics in BBC3 reality show

Marie-Laure Hicks a Bollywood actress and now works in general “If you are a medical la in, putting a fi nger up a patient’s arse, certifying surgery. Sameer is a Harry Potter fan, threatened a death and a phone ringing during reanimation, Junior Doctors: Your Life in their Hands is back! with an arranged marriage by his family and pro- drama junkie like me, it you will not be bored, maybe just a bit concerned After a fi rst series in Newcastle General Hospital duces entertaining quotes like “I’d describe myself about your next trip to the hospital. Although ap- and the Royal Victoria Infi rmary, eight newly- as fun… fair… not funfair” and “I’d like to treat provides you with all the parently you can get sandwiches in A&E. qualifi ed doctors hit the wards of the Chelsea and extra-terrestrials”, “the alien master race”. The show is great. The producers have made Westminster Hospital. After getting their MBBS, The other four junior doctors come from differ- medicine you want without a real effort for the soundtrack, with lyrics com- for the fi rst time, they have to deal with real life ent universities across the country. Amieth is quite pletely adapted to the situation. If you are a medi- and death situations and take on the responsibility laidback, not sure a quality you’d look for in a leaving the personal cal drama junkie like me, it provides you with all of taking care of patients. doctor, but so far nothing dramatic has happened. the medicine you want without leaving out the Four junior doctors are ex-Imperial students. Aki Andy is the youngest doctor working for the hospi- experience...” personal experience and emotional aspect. As the is described as “Kensington meets Rock’n’Roll” tal and apparently incapable of growing facial hair. junior doctors gradually learn how to do the job, and easily pictured in the Reynolds bar; he is Lucy is absolutely lovely, described as an English you are given the opportunity of a window into the “Mess President” now, basically in charge of or- rose by one of her patients. When the last junior a child to keep her parents alive and healthy for- world of hospitals and patients. The only disap- ganising parties for the doctors. Ben is a rugby doctor, Milla, was introduced, I almost expected ever. Cheesy but kind of cute. pointing aspect of this new series for me is that lad (probably in a centrefold), very popular with ‘Midnight City’ by M83 (the Made in Chelsea The last thing to say about the fi rst two episodes I really miss the previous junior doctors: Suzi the the ladies and doing his second foundation year theme tune) to come on. She loves balls and hats is that they are uneventful. Breach of doctor-patient Barbie girl, gorgeous Adam, Andy, Katherine, Jon, in child surgery. Priya once dreamt of becoming and was inspired to become a doctor when she was confi dentiality, multiple failures at fi tting a cannu- Keir and Lucy. Great Speakers Great Ideas Great Hall www.TEDxImperialCollege.com

#TEDxIC 24th twitter.com/TEDxIC March facebook.com/TEDxImperialCollege The launch of Fusion @ London on the 25th & 26th of February 2012 – A stunning combination of Fashion, Music and Dance like you have never seen before – Hosted by Made in Chelsea stars – Hugo, Spencer & Binky – Featuring headline acts: Sunday Girl and MTV Brand New Nominees; Clement Marfo & The Frontline, Charli – Top London choreographers, exclusive designers, over 150 talented cast of models, dancers, circus aerialist choir and many more – 11 uniquely themed Acts including Gothic, Roaring Twenties, Classical-African Syncopation, Enter the Circu Memoirs of a Geisha, Urban Warfare, Fusion Galactica and Indian Summer – Tickets from £15 but...... for one day only on Tuesday the 7th of February:

1) Get bargain tickets for only £10 XCX and Angel 2) Be in with a chance to meet the Made In Chelsea stars hosting the event! ts, jazz band, Bargain tickets available from Sherfield Building foyer us, Arabian Nights, Time: 12 – 2pm More info on www.fusionatlondon.com Want to do a centrefold? Email [email protected] 26 Friday 03 February 2012 FELIX Film Editors: John Park Lucy Wiles FILM fi [email protected] 2012 SAG Winners Remembering a classic... Guy Needham reviews The English Patient, a handsome, well-acted, and Oscar-winning picture that retains timeless appeal

Best Cast The Help

Best Actor in a Leading Role Jean Dujardin – The Artist

Best Actress in a Leading Role Viola Davis – The Help

Best Actor in a Supporting Role Christopher Plummer – Beginners

Best Actress in a Supporting Role Octavia Spencer – The Help

Last Sunday’s Screen Actors Guild award, vot- ed for by the industry’s acting peers, was a tri- umphant night for The Help, taking home three awards for Best Cast, Best Actress and Best Sup- porting Actress. The Oscar race for Best Actress becomes tighter than ever when Viola Davis and Meryl Streep (The Iron Lady) go head-to-head. Streep has already won the Golden Globe and is the favourite to win the BAFTA, but the Oscars are a real coin-toss. A large majority of AMPAS members, the governing body voting for who wins the prestigious Academy Award, is made up of the Screen Actors Guild, and the fact that Davis managed to sway her peers in her direction is a Insert inappropriate “Voldemort is back from the dead” joke here... we couldn’t be bothered to think of one good sign. Some argue it is about time for Streep to fi nally win her third long overdue Oscar, whilst Davis’ supporters brand Streep’s performance as The English Patient taste, sound or sight. For example, the way in her, and she fi nds solace in abandoning the nothing but classy mimicry and the unsubstan- which the light plays on the wall of the pa- war to care for her patient. Willem Dafoe is tial critical acclaim towards her latest Margaret Director Anthony Minghella tient’s room reminds him of a time in Cairo: also present, playing a man with no thumbs Thatcher biopic will not steer the odds in favour Screenwriter Michael Ondaatje (novel), the links between the scenes are very well who is bent on discovering the patient’s story. Anthony Minghella of Streep. Across the board, there is nothing sur- Cast Ralph Fiennes, Juliette Binoche, worked. His torture scene doesn’t really bear any com- prising about Plummer fi nally being shown some Kristin Scott-Thomas, Colin Firth There some truly memorable scenes in The parison to Black Swan in terms of its shock award love after his lengthy career, and Dujardin English Patient. The shots of the desert in value; however he comes across very clearly continues to dominate with his role in The Artist. Guy Needham particular, a beautiful part where the char- as a man on a mission. Colin Firth is in the acters are fl ying over a mountainous region, cast and his development into a seething, jeal- The English Patient, winner of nine Oscars, is are epic in nature. The breathtakingly skilled ous husband is a great showcase for his pro- the story of a man, played by Ralph Fiennes, camerawork is complemented by the well digious talent. Kristin Scott Thomas plays who is found badly burnt and suffering from crafted script – the dialogue sounds authentic, his wife and was deservedly nominated for a memory loss in the wreckage of a plane in the and revelations are often driven by the grip- Best Actress Oscar. Other characters include North African desert in World War Two. As ping conversations between characters. a seemingly unemotional Sikh soldier who, in he is cared for by an army nurse, his memory Some great performances are on show here. comparison to the book, doesn’t really have a slowly returns and is shown to us in a series of Fiennes is exceptional, but that goes without chance to shine, but who is a deep and authen- fl ashbacks. The unveiling of his past reveals a saying; his portrayal of a very introverted tic character. story of a love affair. desert-lover is very believable. The nurse, This is a memorable wartime love story, Anthony Minghella won an Oscar for his played by Juliette Binoche (Chocolat), de- with some beautiful camerawork and excel- direction of this fi lm, and rightly so. The servedly won an Oscar for her supporting ac- lent direction. The characters are all very con- The many ladies of The Help transitions from past to present are admi- tress role. Her story is very moving: her life is vincing, and the plot will grip you as the trag- rable, as each fl ashback is clearly linked to a being torn apart by the war going on around ic tale of The English Patient is unravelled. FELIX Friday 03 February 2012 27 FILM Top 10 Box Offi ce fi lms The kids are all right, in the UK this the adults are not week

1) War Horse – 12A – Jeremy Irvine, Emily Wat- son, Tom Hiddleston

2) The Descendants – 15 – George Clooney, Shailene Woodley, Amara Miller

3) Haywire – 15 – Gina Carano, Michael Fass- bender, Ewan McGregor, Channing Tatum

4) A Monster in Paris – U – Adam Goldberg, Bob Balaban, Catherine After all these years, Kate fi nally regrets letting go of that expensive blue diamond necklace in Titanic... you’re not going to fi nd it in that bag Kate... O’Hara

Carnage and Alan (Waltz), are invited over by why there can be no simple resolution. make up the cast pull out all the stops 5) The Artist – PG – Jean Nathan’s parents, Penelope (Foster) and Even from the very start, the victim’s and ferociously attack one another as Dujardin, Bérénice Bejo, Director Roman Polanski Michael (Reilly), to discuss this situa- mother is defensive and secretly mad the meltdown occurs. Waltz is hilari- John Goodman, James Screenwriters Yasmina Reza (play), tion in good faith. What was supposed as hell. She has a condescending tone, ous as the smug, cavalier Alan, Wins- Roman Polanski Cromwell Cast Jodie Foster, Kate Winslet, to be a civilised, calm meeting between something the perpetrator’s father is far let may seem proper and decent to start John C. Reilly, Christoph Waltz four mature people start taking darker from willing to accept. Boys fi ght. It’s with but as the atmosphere starts to spi- turns, as true characteristics and feel- a part of life, and he’s not prepared to ral out of control, she drunkenly chews 6) Sherlock Holmes: A John Park ings are revealed. apologise so profusely. Trying to con- the scenery like never before. Foster is Game of Shadows - 12A What makes this so agonising, yet trol her husband’s snarky outbursts is on the offence from the start, and she - Robert Downey Jr., Jude Get ready for the craziest, most intense, irresistibly tense, is the fact that this the perpetrator’s mother, who tries to is the angriest, most intense one of the Law, Noomi Rapace and unforgettable ride of this year. Yes, encounter could have been over in min- show as much genuine-looking apolo- four, which results in some dangerous Polanski’s latest Carnage is a force to utes. Nancy and Alan could have left getic expression as possible. But even moments of melodramatic over-acting be reckoned with; which is odd, mostly Penelope and Michael’s fl at so much she has a breaking point. Acting as the coming from the actress, but she is 7) Underworld: Awak- because of its incredibly modest run- sooner. They get to as far as the eleva- good-natured mediator is the victim’s mostly on fi ne form. Reilly, with his ening - 18 - Kate Beck- ning time (79 minutes), small cast (four tor, twice, and yet every time, they end father, who tries to put on a smile when- towering presence, fi lling up almost ev- insale, Theo James, Mi- key characters), single set (a New York up in the living room. The bitter hatred ever possible. But he too has issues of ery single shot of himself with his grand chael Ealy apartment), and what appears to be a and unfi nished business make it diffi - his own, and as everyone mouths off, stature, is incredible, as he handles both straightforward plot. But based on the cult to call it a day. It’s almost perverse he joins the fi ght and shows he also has extreme sides of his character perfectly, Tony Award winning play God of Car- and sometimes scary to think that these a louder side. making that transition without any fuss. 8) The Iron Lady nage by Yasmina Reza, this is a de- people cannot and refuse to leave; and As the Scotch comes out, and with For a man nearing the age of 80, Po- – 12A – ceptively simple fi lm that has so much no-one does claustrophobia better than the high alcohol dose kicking in, there’s lanski doesn’t show signs of slowing Meryl Streep, Jim Broad- energy and power to dish out, even in Polanski. Even though this may seem a swearing, crying, yelling, hitting, down. He keeps the tension running bent its tiny scale. So get ready – for a hot- highly unambitious project for a direc- throwing things, and behaviour that is high, and there is no way of knowing tempered, scream-fi lled, foul-mouthed, tor who has made many classics over unacceptable in any social scenarios for sure how this messy situation will alcohol-fuelled, vomit-covered (yes, his astonishing career, his attention to involving grown-ups. They gathered come to a close. Carnage is outrageous, 9) The Sitter – 15 – Jo- really) experience that will be hard to detail is impeccable. He gets right up to come up with a disciplinary plan of shocking, yet hysterically entertaining nah Hill, Sam Rockwell resist. close to his actors, and the apartment action for their children. But it appears with plenty of nasty, wicked wit. With In a brief prologue set in contempo- in which most of the fi lm is set seems the adults are no better than the children four unique performances from its un- rary New York, we see an 11-year-old sizable enough, but Polanski chooses themselves. The script is crisp enough beatable cast, and under the assured 10) Mission: Impossible Zachary pick up a stick and swing it in to remain mainly in the living room, to keep a healthy pace and the heavy guidance of a veteran director, this is – Ghost Protocol – 12A Nathan’s face, which results in bruising, crowding his scenes with his four stars. dialogue-centred drama is extremely may have “Oscar-bait” written all over – Tom Cruise, Jeremy swelling and two teeth being knocked Small verbal attacks and passive- dense yet to the point. it but no bait in the past has been this Renner, Simon Pegg out. Zachary’s parents, Nancy (Winslet) aggressive statements are the reasons The four acting heavy-weights who savagely funny. 28 Friday 03 February 2012 FELIX Film Editors: John Park Lucy Wiles FILM fi [email protected] Neeson leads a lacklustre pack Liam Neeson cements his status as action man of the moment – shame about the wolves

The Grey one who has a lasting presence and the decent dialogue. Director Joe Carnahan Back to the story, or what’s left of it, Screenwriters Joe Carnahan, Ian MacKenzie Jeffers the wolves start trying to kill the survi- Cast Liam Neeson, Frank Grillo, vors. They don’t even look like wolves, Dermot Mulroney, Dallas Roberts, more like dogs with rabies. The wolves Joe Anderson don’t even want to eat them; they just Aemun Reza want to kill them. Don’t really blame the wolves. If you like dogs, don’t watch this fi lm. But kudos to the fi lm, they did actually Based in Alaska, a typical plane crash use real wolves, not just the CGI stuff results in seven men surviving. Why do that The Twilight Saga uses. But I would guys always survive plane crashes? The have been more impressed if they had fl ight attendants never survive. Only turned into werewolves. ever men, and one of them is always The main plot is them fi ghting the black. Even death doesn’t racially dis- wolves and trying to fi nd some kind of criminate. civilisation. Landing in the middle of no- So you’re stranded in the middle of a where means that it was mainly the char- snowy plane wreck, faced with freezing acters walking through a scenic land- temperatures, no food, and no water and scape. This is nice and all, but I can see what is your worse fear? Wolves appar- better stuff on my desktop background. ently. Because dogs are that scary. This fi lm is mainly action, and not There is barely any background story very good action at that. The movie to Liam Neeson’s character. He’s just doesn’t have a plot and tries to be really some guy on a plane, who survives emotionally when people die, but I just and apparently knows everything about wasn’t buying it. In the climax of the wolves. How convenient. movie, which was meant to be the most Despite playing an extremely dull emotional part, I was bored. They had character, Liam Neeson can still pull off longed it out beyond belief. a strong and powerful performance. As You’d think that a fi lm with Liam the only credited headline actor, Neeson Neeson would be an amazing fi lm and immediately takes the lead role with his that may be the main reason why you go knowledge of how to survive in the wild. see it but it really isn’t worth your time. Survival 101 and all that jazz. Out of the Even if you do have two hours to waste, seven men who survive, he is the only you’re better off watching paint dry. I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want... oh, don’t mind me, I’m just waiting for Taken 2 Wanting, needing, loving, missing...

Like Crazy Now that is out of the way, Like Crazy attention. goes beyond dialogue, beyond the writ- The performances are outstanding. Director Drake Doremus ing, beyond any ordinary story, or as you Anton Yelchin and Felicity Jones have Screenwriters Drake Doremus, Ben may have guessed, beyond a love story. to carry the burden of the entire movie York Jones It isn’t brilliantly poetic nor is it even on their shoulders and I believe they do Cast Felicity Jones, Anton Yelchin, Jennifer Lawrence mildly cheesy. To be honest, this movie a smash-up job. The silences, the looks, has one of the blandest storylines I have the gentle touches, the expressions all Hitesh Shewakramani ever seen. This is perhaps why it didn’t melt together perfectly. Of course you score big with a lot of people. won’t notice it. I didn’t. I was confused “I thought I understood it, that I could Long story short: Girl meets Boy. They for about an hour after seeing the fi lm grasp it, but I didn’t, not really. Only the fall in love. Girl is separated from Boy. and my brain was fuzzy. What would smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all- If you are looking for a load of mind- strike anyone is the reality of the movie. containered, semi-precious eagerness less romance, this is not your cup of tea. It is too believable. The situations, the re- of it. I didn’t realize it would sometimes There is romance though, a good load lationships, the characters portrayed are be more than whole, that the wholeness of it, and then there is pain. What would too real. I can’t point out the exact reason was a rather luxurious idea. Because it’s stun you is that the love and pain keep behind it: it could either be the writing, the halves that halve you in half. I didn’t on interchanging so often that it would the camera work, or something else. But know, don’t know, about the in-between transport you to somewhere in the mid- it works. bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory dle, where you might be able to fi gure This isn’t like your regular review be- bits of me.” out this fi lm’s artistic side, or you might cause I, the reviewer, haven’t given you Before actually writing this one, I’d switch off and pass this movie off as a my opinion. I liked it. I was able to ap- like to clear out any of the false assump- mess. Since we already know that the preciate how the whole package turned tions. One: this is not a chick fl ick. Two: Sundance Film Festival’s judge’s panel out. But that still isn’t my opinion. I Just because it’s won the top prize at the is what we would like to classify as ‘the won’t give you one. You might like it or Sundance Film Festival, it doesn’t mean hippies amongst critics’, it doesn’t come you might not, as I said before. It is up you will like it; you might, in fact, hate it. as a surprise that this fi lm captured all the for you to decide. If you ever leave me, I’ll strangle you... like crazy... unionpage Union Rep Week 2012

Imperial College Union Rep Week is only What is the rep system? ten days away (13-18 February) and it will The rep system is an integral part of ICU, be your chance to fi nd out all about what just like clubs, societies, events and bars. representation has done for you! The rep system has been around for decades and has brought in or protected During the week your reps will be things that are important to you, like around your department and in the JCR Wednesday afternoons off or getting your wearing their specially made rep T-shirts coursework back on time. The NSS now to tell you about representation, answer has a question about students’ unions for your any questions you have and take any the fi rst time, and we want to highlight recommendations or complaints you have the numerous ways that ICU works for sabbaticals about your department. students individually and collectively. university. Final-year students have a few So make sure you come down to What is the National Student Survey weeks to fi ll it in – take your only chance, Jason Parmar the stalls and ask us all about it, we’ll (NSS)? do it now, and have your say. Deputy President (Education) have posters, fl yers, free sweets and We’ll be explaining what the NSS is [email protected] suggestion boxes all to help improve and why it’s so important to gather What is NoteBox? YOUR student experience. your feedback. We’ll even have laptops Rep Week will see the announcement for you to complete it on (www. of the Union’s latest project. A new, free What are reps? thestudentsurvey.com). online store of the best notes your fellow There are hundreds of reps across students have taken in class. College – from fi rst-year undergraduates NSS is very important, and works on lots Keep your eyes peeled for the full launch to writing-up PhDs. We want you to know of scales – it helps us spot problems in in a few months and check out www. that there’s a rep just for you, who is individual departments, but also plays thenotebox.co.uk to start contributing for nearby, accessible and will successfully a part in national league tables and is your chance to win £850 in Union Shop Keep up-to-date with your Sabbaticals at: represent you. key to Imperial’s reputation as a top UK vouchers. imperialcollegeunion.org/sabbs

Starts next week... Imperial’s largest elections ever, the including great positions to run for in your own Faculty!

20122012

imperialcollegeunion.org 30 Friday 03 february 2012 FELIX Fashion Editors: S a s k i a V e r h a g e n Alice Yang FASHION [email protected] Suit Up: an idiot’s guide to the who, what, A wise man once said that there is only one thing a man can do when he’s suffering from a spiritual and existential funk. Go to the z

DOUBLE-BREASTED THREE-BUTTON SUIT SUIT The Man

The Man The three-button suit is generally seen as the more traditionally elegant of the suits The double-breasted suit was once with its buttons spanning a larger area of thought to be reserved for a particular the torso. Resulting from its top button type of imperious middle-aged bore, chor- resting higher up on the chest than its oth- tling at something distinctly unfunny at er single-breasted cousins, the three-but- a gentlemen’s club or boating event of ton suit draws attention to said area, in- some description. Thankfully, this ste- creasing the width of its appearance – this reotype no longer applies. A favourite of The Rules is not a suit for those with highly-devel- The Rules Humphrey Bogart, and more recently, a oped pectorals, or conversely (tragically?), certain Chuck Bass (this is a good thing, Buttons should be kept fastened, most man boobs. Ideal for taller men, particu- Traditionally the rule of thumb regarding for those unaware), the DB has been en- importantly the ‘anchor’ button on the larly those over 6ft, the three-button is a buttoning is (from the top) “sometimes, joying a revival of sorts. This bold suit is inside of the jacket. The whole effect is classic, worn by ex-Bond Pierce Brosnan always, never”. However, in the more com- for a man, not a boy, and a tall, slim man lost the moment you lose the jacket’s and increasingly popular with rising stars plicated real world it can be broken down at that – the broadening effect of the over- shape, which is kept intact by the an- seeking extra style points and adult recog- as such: doing only the middle button is lapping buttons does nothing for the more chor. Shoulders should not be boxy – nition including Robert Pattinson. standard and sleek; doing up the top two portly amongst you, but shows off a good the look is sharply tailored, never remi- requires an increased level of confi dence in physique. Ryan Gosling – yes. Bill Clinton niscent of a 1980s revival. The jacket ones stance; doing up just the top can be – not so much. overall should fit well, but should skim The Occasion seen as far too “contemporary” (read ‘hip- the figure rather than hug the corners. ster’) for the offi ce; whilst all three tends Most defi nitely a formal choice, the three- to look too strict. On top of this, it must The Occasion button suit is a great alternative to its remembered that the top button should be more popular two-button cousin for those left undone if the lapel of the suit rolls down Though hugely versatile, the double- The Catwalk yearning for a spark of individuality in the to it. breasted suit is decidedly bold and for- offi ce. The extra dash of business refi ne- mal – not for the faint of heart. Be sure Almost ubiquitous at the menswear ment emanating from this suit gives an The Catwalk to know that wherever you wear it, be it shows this season, the smart, gentle- extra confi dence boost on those all impor- inside or outside working hours, you are manly double-breasted suit was per- tant interview days whilst on another note, Protect from the cold whilst journeying to and certain to draw attention. This suit is for vasive especially amongst the Italian should men have ‘off days’; this piece is from the offi ce by adding winter accessories a confi dent, assured man who is ready to designers, with a subtle aubergine hue defi nitely one to turn to as the longer span to your three-buttoned suit. Burberry Pror- own the room. Favour a dark, modern, slim proving a favourite at Prada and Ferre- of the triple buttons hides much of the sum opted to liven up their grey suits with cut for the evening and a lighter colour with gamo. Colour and textural variation in torso area including, perhaps hopefully, subtly patterned gloves and scarves layered a more traditional cut for the day. general was prominent, with dark blues where you spilt your coffee in the morning. under bulging puffa jackets and leather coats at Gucci, pinstripes at Alexander Mc- inspired by the great British countryside, Queen and wider stripes at Canali. The whilst at Viktor & Rolf the model’s tackled the “This bold suit is for a vibe overall was modern and young, re- “sometimes, always, weather by layering fur over their chocolate viving the traditional Bogartian DB with suits matched with the warmer alternative of man, not a boy” a spring in its swaggering step. -SV never” leather trousers. -AY

Dolce & Gabbana Ferragamo Louis Vuitton Burberry Prorsum Burberry Prorsum Viktor & Rolf FELIX Friday 03 february 2012 31 FASHION where and how of formalwear zoo, fl ip off the monkeys? “No,” says Ron Burgundy, “buy new suits.” Saskia Verhagen and Alice Yang show you the ropes

TWO-BUTTON SUIT ONE-BUTTON SUIT The Man The Man

Arguably the easiest of the suits to wear, More of a stylists’ pick than a business the two-button suit makes the best of al- must, the single button suit is a wardrobe most any fi gure. A favourite of suit-wearing staple for any image-conscious man. icons including John F. Kennedy, Cary Grant Its slimming lines make for a smooth and Frank Sinatra, this is a choice that is modern look, and the appearance of a almost idiot-proof in its ability to bring the stretched torso is particularly fl attering inner suave, sophisticated gentleman out for those more vertically challenged. Ef- of the most dishevelled and hopeless of fortless and perfectly dapper, this single men. Provided the suit fi ts properly, and is The Rules buttoned garment is a red carpet favou- The Rules combined with a well-chosen shirt and tie, rite including Benedict Cumberbatch and you will fi nd yourself transformed – at once There is really only one rule here: only Mark Ronson – such wearers carry them- Tailoring is a must and confi dence is elegant, effortless, and perfectly refi ned. the top button should be fastened (defi n- selves with pride in the full knowledge key. So long as the suit fi ts snugly ing the waist), but never the second. The that they are turning heads and sending (strained fabric is far too tight; long second button is aesthetically necessary hearts a-fl utter. sleeves and baggy chest is far too The Occasion but technically superfl uous and pulls the large), and your posture is distinguish- jacket completely out of shape if done up. ably upright, the world is your oyster. The two-button suit is probably going to Other than this, you’re fairly safe in most The Occasion An easy, fuss-free item of clothing, it be your most reliable asset in most for- colour and fabric choices. Pockets may be demands only to be buttoned up when mal settings. For the full effect, pair a slanted, a reference to the days of hacking Undeniably a casual suit jacket, the ver- its wearer is stood, and unbuttoned ev- black pinstripe suit with a light blue shirt jackets – the slant allowed easier access satility of the single button suit is its se- ery time they sit – this really is dressing and a dark grey pin-dot tie, silver tie bar to pockets on horseback. Breast pockets cret. Thanks to its debonair sleek cut, up dumbed down. and white pocket square. Shoes and belt are omnipresent, but ticket pockets, an oc- it allows one to be more avant-garde should be black leather, simple and pol- casional addition above the main pockets, than when donning its contemporaries, The Catwalk ished. For the weekend, simply pair your tend to look better on a three-button suit. bestowing onto its wearer a chance to suit jacket with some smart dark blue experiment with lapels, collars, textures, Extravagance is most defi nitely to be jeans – cuffed – and keep your shirt in a The Catwalk and colours. Shoes, shirt and tie com- embraced with the single-buttoned suit similar blue tone. Penny loafers, no socks binations also allow more room for ex- as designers gave the fashion world a – it’s all in the details. Seen in almost every combination of tone, periment - from classic black and white new way of expressing ones personali- pattern and texture, the two-button suit combinations to more daring personality ty after dark. Dolce and Gabbana opted also seems to have succumbed to the fi lled patterns; ties, bowties and braces; for rich golden embroidery and ornate theme of certain striking colour choices. brogues, loafers and even boots; extra baroque swirls inspired by the decora- “this is a choice that is A jewel-toned velvet incarnation with con- points are awarded here for courage tive Oscar Wilde, a muse for many of trasting trousers was seen at Burberry and originality. Whether it be for friendly this season’s collections. A more luxu- almost idiot-proof in its Prorsum, Prince of Wales check at Alexan- drinks or (unelegantly put) a night out rious look was preferred at Viktor & Rolf der McQueen, contrasting lapels at Louis on the pull, the one-button suit is best and Lanvin who’s shimmering fabrics abillity to bring [out] the Vuitton, and vivid, solid colour in an incred- when worn when not required by dress and complementing bowties craved the inner suave” ibly fl attering slim cut at Gucci – it has to be code for that extra dash of gentlemanly attention of the extrovert creating the said, Frida Giannini cuts a wicked suit. -SV suave. perfect dinner date outfi t. -AY

Burberry Prorsum Alexander McQueen Gucci Dolce & Gabbana Lanvin Viktor & Rolf 32 Friday 03 february 2012 FELIX Games Editor: Laurence Pope

GAMES [email protected] Free Web Game A.I. – Artifi cial Ineptness You read right folks, just one web game this week. I needed some more space, so one had to go. Sorry. discusses artifi cial intelligence, so listen Anyway, here we are, a totally awesome web game Cave Johnson that you can play right now in your web browser. In order to enjoy it you’re going to need the Adobe up. Just watch out for the velociraptors Flash Player plug-in, which can be installed from http://get.adobe.com/flashplayer/ ello test subjects, Cave John- son here. I fi nd it hard to believe that This is the Only Level 3 it’s been a week since I last http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/ wrote for Felix – time sure Hdoes fl y when you’re making the world a bet- view/588876 ter place. Well actually, last week did go a bit faster than usual – I found my engineers play- ing with time again. You would have thought that they had learned their lesson the last time that they fi ddled with time and ended up causing a rift in fabric of the space-time con- tinuum, causing the [censored]. Again. That’s why point 83b of the Aperture Science Evac- uation Guidelines now includes dinosaurs. There was an upside though – we think our “What is your stance on I swear I did not pick this game just to make a bad “Has anyone seen my companion cube? I’m sure I left it around here somewhere...” joke about it being the only web game this week. artifi cial intelligence, This is the Only Level 3 is the third in a series of mini-games featuring a tiny elephant traversing a and what dangers do you single level over and over again. Whilst the level of thousand calculators, put them in one of pidity. We had the system evaluate its choices stays the same the mechanics of the game change think it possesses?” our brand new enrichment spheres, and linked and it started to develop – not by being intel- each time you escape, requiring you to work out them all up. ligent, but by not being stupid; by learning to how to make it from the start to the finish. You’re avoid more and more stupid things it it effec- occasionally aided by subtle clues in the level’s pest problem has subsided due to the roaming tively became more intelligent. The project name, but most of the time outside of the box raptors, and those that we’ve caught are sur- “Artifi cial Stupidity – by was shelved last year after something went thinking is required. prisingly good in the portal testing grounds. wrong and the artifi cial stupidity started mak- That or just give in and check the walkthrough. Time should be back to normal, but if you learning to avoid more ing only the most stupid choices available. At Cheater. experience any time-related phenomena, such least it was more intelligent than Dr Wheat- as déjà vu, then let your college test associates and more stupid things it ley (the ex-head of the project) who defected know. Bringing back an extinct species, de- effectively became more to Black Mesa. Science fi nds ways to exact bunking all previous theories about relativity revenge on traitors. Incomplete formulae, de- Steam comes to the smartphone and opening a new, niche pet-market? That’s intelligent” creased budgets and forced religion await all us, and it could be you – summer placements who scorn Science, when their time is up. opening soon! So, from what we’ve seen so far, artifi cial Now, for those who missed the seminars, Hesitation is just wasted time in the pursuit intelligence is far beyond our current capa- training sessions, RCSU Science Challenge of science, and so we jumped straight in to bilities, but don’t be afraid, concerned or dis- and newspaper adverts, I’ve been asked by making the most advanced artifi cial intelli- mayed test subjects. When Aperture Science Felix to answer any questions you have about gence possible. Well, it turns out that it’s a lot makes the breakthroughs needed, we will try what happens here at Aperture Science. I’m easier said than done. The boys in the lab got to make sure it doesn’t want to kill all hu- also here to impart my wisdom and good- as far as teaching the calculator to feel love, mans. Well, we’ll think about it, at least. looks upon the latest generation of scientists but the A.I. didn’t want to learn anything else. As previously, any correspondence (ques- and engineers. Not mathematicians – we Their fi nal reports stated that they tried to tions, resumes or money) can be sent to felix. don’t need you. This week, Martin asks, upset the A.I. but all that happened was the [email protected] with the title “Ask “What is your stance on artifi cial intelligence, emotion altered from love to loneliness. The Cave”, and they’ll forward it on to Caroline. and what dangers do you think it possesses?” military would have paid top bucks for an in- A couple of testing raptors escaped with Thanks for contributing to science, Martin – a telligence that can only feel anger, but an A.I. their Aperture Science Handheld Portal De- voucher is in the post. that has abandonment issues is of no use to vices, and have yet to be caught, so stay alert. (Legal note: Aperture Science Redemption anyone. Most of the lab boys ended up build- Cave out. Rejoice, for now everyone’s favourite digital gam- Vouchers can only be used to redeem an Ap- ing an emotional attachment to the experi- ing platform and social network has come to the erture Science Redemption Voucher.) ment, and when it came to disassembly many smartphone. We started working on a simple artifi cial in- girly tears were shed. Those who refused to The app is currently available for free on both telligence a couple of years ago. The goal was participate in the clean-up were fi red. From iOS and Android-based devices and allows you to make the perfect scientist – one that didn’t a cannon. Some even reached a high-point in to access your Steam friends list and chat online have to be paid, wouldn’t complain, didn’t their career – about 62 miles above sea level. Questions for Cave? on the go. You can also browse the Steam Store, take breaks and would never stop testing. The boffi ns say that’s technically outer space, though unless you desperately need to see when The bean counters started panicking when the so congratulations science-nauts! We’ll send Do you have any questions for Mr Duke Nukem Forever goes on sale it seems a little project was fi rst mentioned, due to the price your remains to your families. Johnson? If so, email them onto useless. of an actual computer being enough to bank- The remaining boys in the lab gave up and [email protected] and I’ll After the initial closed beta last week it’s now rupt this company many times over. Instead, I said the idea of artifi cial intelligence was fun- pass them onto him for answers. available for all to download and use, provided you got the boys in the lab to fi nd a way to connect damentally fl awed. By trying to create an in- Responses will be published in Felix. have an active Steam account and (obviously) a multiple smaller gizmos together to make a telligent being, we were limiting how much it So go do as the man says people. smartphone. much more powerful computer than we could could grow. Instead, we decided to work from Write in – for science. buy. That week, we took delivery of a couple the opposite direction and create artifi cial stu- Luminites are in Metric for one night only. This highly original musical group blends human beat-box, acoustic guitar, keys and vocal harmony. One to watch They perform with a unique and honest passion. They can rock up anywhere, with or without power,r, and deliver an exceptional live show.

This defi netly is one night of live music you should not miss! Friday 10 February 20:00 - 02:00 Only Drink Offers House spirit & mixer – £2.20 £3.50 from 8pm Vodka Redbull – £3.00 Free entry before 20:00 in Metric Jägerbomb – £3.30 Bonkers Super

DJ Emma Harkness Bowl (From Freshers’ Mingle) Sunday 5 February Friday 3 February FiveSixEight 20:00 - 02:00 22:00 - 04:00 Only £3.50 Free entry before 20:00 FREE imperialcollegeunion.org/metric 34 Friday 03 february 2012 FELIX Food Editors: A n a s t a s i a E l e f t h e r i o u Michael Krestas FOOD [email protected] Dessert of the week Get your food life SORTED Cypriot Doughnuts Anastasia Eleftheriou grills Ben Ebbrell, head chef at online recipe web- site SORTED, about bringing some banter to the kitchen This is a traditional Cypriot recipe for a dessert called “Loukoumades”. It makes about 80 pieces. SORTED What is SORTED in one sentence? We’re a genuine bunch of mates who teamed up to run SORTED Food, an online cooking hub that aims to solve the food problems of our audience, and to prove that you can have a bit of fun in the kitchen; cooking doesn’t have to be so serious!

Why do you believe SORTED will be of in- terest to Imperial? The SORTED crew have a lot of fun doing what they do. It never feels like work – it’s just messing around in the kitchen with your mates, cooking up simple, tasty grub to share, Enjoy them hot, soaked in syrup... hnnnnnnng and we hope this comes across on screen. For that reason the videos are good fun and our current audience finds them pretty entertain- Ben Ebbrell (second from right) and the SORTED team, putting Take That to shame Ingredients ing, returning week after week to see what new recipe inspiration they can enjoy. For the dough: But beyond that, SORTED provides a ser- 3 cups all purpose fl our vice: a compelling library of over 150 video social cooking with friends. There are so many to choose from! Some of 1 tbsp instant yeast recipes (with more released every week), That’s where the videos started, a chance the franchises do offer a great menu and at Water at 40°C making up a wide variety of dishes for every to share our ideas and philosophy of social very reasonable prices. I’m a big fan of Ja- 1 boiled and mashed potato occasion. Recipes from all over the world: cooking with more than just our mates and mie’s Italian, Giraffe and Wagamama for a sweet and savoury, twists on classic favou- friends of friends. YouTube became the per- quick bite to eat. But everybody knows about For the syrup: rites, ideas that are perfect to impress or fast fect platform to share new recipes with a these. 1 cup honey mid-week meals for a budget. No matter what larger audience – the world, in fact! It didn’t Some of the best places though are those 1 cup sugar cooking experience you currently have, you’ll change what we did... we were pretty much that need hunting out! Bea’s of Bloomsbury 1 cup water find the SORTED recipes are dead easy and just playing about with mates in the kitchen. is awesome, as is John Torrode’s Smiths of can allow even the biggest novice to churn Now, our online channels are our focus and Smithfield, which can’t be beaten for break- Procedure out food to be proud of. week after week we get the recipe requests fast! Aside from that I know that there are and food dilemmas of our audience SORT- thousands of restaurants I’ve not yet had the Mix the fl our and the yeast in a bowl. Add water How did you get the initial idea? ED. Delivering quick, simple and tasty dish- chance to try. So keep your eyes peeled for until the mixture becomes a thick batter. Cover The whole story kicked off a few years back es, heavily seasoned with banter. vouchers and coupons that offer you intro- the bowl with plastic wrap and let it rise for about sat around a pub table as we shared recipes on ductory offers. Some of the best meals I’ve an hour. beer mats. As a trained chef, I was shocked We would love to have some cooking ad- enjoyed over the past six months have been at In the meantime, prepare the syrup. Place all the by what my closest friends were eating, so vice! What do you think are the secrets of half price or less. So you end up with a two ingredients in a saucepan and boil until everything I would share the perfect student grub that cooking good food? or three courses of outstanding food for the is dissolved. Let the syrup cool. Add the mashed was anything other than takeaways and pot Good food is very subjective. What is good to same price as one or two at a franchise. potato in the batter and mix. Put a lot of oil in noodles. one person might not be to the liking of an- a deep pan because the doughnuts will be deep As a photographer at the time, Barry saw an other. Which is why I believe a recipe should When was your last ‘bad experience’ with fried. To get round-shaped doughnuts you must opportunity to create and publish a cookbook only ever be a guideline. So many of the food? follow this procedure: crammed full of my recipes and his creative SORTED recipes reflect nothing more than There is no such thing as a bad food expe- work that would be perfect for students. A a series of steps, which could be applied to rience in my eyes – only a learning curve. – Fill your right hand with batter and close your way in which we could share what we loved your own favourite ingredients. Make it per- What’s the worst that can happen? If you’re hand so that batter comes out between your with a few more people. And we’ve never sonal. You’ll see this theme cropping up in cooking at home and a meal doesn’t quite thumb and fi rst fi nger. looked back. We put together a student cook- so much of what SORTED does; recipe ideas go to plan, then you’ve learnt for next time, – With your left hand hold a teaspoon, scoop the book (doing all the work ourselves) and then that are so simple they work even when a few right? Just experiment and if you’re really un- batter that comes out and throw it in the hot oil. set out to share these recipes and the idea of bits are changed. sure then why not give it a go it with friends – Every time you scoop batter, put the teaspoon in Aside from that, try to start with the best – make it a joint effort. water so that it remains clean and no batter will ingredients you can afford. Trust me, I’m not The biggest chance of suffering a bad ex- stick on it. talking about expensive filet steak or high- perience is when everything is out of your end lobster, what I mean is go for stuff that is control, like when eating out. We all love din- The doughnuts are ready when they are golden. seasonal. That way the quality will be better ing out and it’s great for inspiration, special Remove them from the oil and place them immedi- and it’ll be affordable too. occasions or even just when you’re feeling ately in the syrup for 2–3 seconds. Remove them On top of that, club together with mates and a bit lazy. However, if you can create great, from the syrup and place them in a large plate. cook up a treat. For example, it’s nearly im- simple, cheap and tasty food at home with Yiango Mavrocostanti possible to cook a meal for £2 when you’re your mates, then that has to win every time cooking alone. But to cater for you and three in my book! friends on a budget of £8 is easy! Scale makes Having said that we’ve all had some clumsy good food possible. And on those evenings moments, and working in front of cameras Send your Valentine’s Day when you’re cooking on your own, still make when you’re cooking makes for extra trouble! several portions and then save the rest as left- You only have to take a look at some of our recipes to: overs, either to be frozen or used up the next outtakes and bloopers to see what I mean! day. [email protected] To fi nd out more about SORTED (and to Which restaurant or café do you recom- see some of those bloopers!) pay a visit Cooking... to the extreeeeeeeeeeeme mend in London? to sortedfood.com FELIX Friday 03 february 2012 35 Books Editor: Maciej Matuszewski [email protected] BOOKS The Kingkiller Chronicle In Praise of Daunt Books Maciej Matuszewski reviews Patrick Rothfuss’ bestsell- ing fantasy epic

don’t generally read all that much fan- tasy, at least compared science fi ction, but I was drawn to Patrick Rothfuss’ Kingkiller Chronicle by a pair of very positive reviews in Locus and the IMagazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction. I bought the fi rst book in the series, The Name of the Wind, but it was left neglected on my shelves for several months – the consequence of a huge backlog in my reading list. One boring recent evening, however, I was looking through my bookshelf for something to read. I skimmed through the fi rst few pages Don Quixote; Kafka’s collected short stories and Simmons’ Hyperion but nothing espe- cially caught my fancy. Then I picked up The Name of the Wind and the next thing I knew it was past midnight and I was some half way through the novel. As soon as I was fi n- ished I picked up the sequel, The Wise Man’s Fear (the third book in the trilogy has not yet been released), and, despite it weighing in at almost a thousand pages, I worked my way through it little more than a weekend. Our protagonist Kvothe - skilled magic user and swordsmaster “an accurate description cinating and original work. effi ciency tables for various ‘spells’. There are two Daunt Books stores close to where I of the plot is that it’s an What was particularly good was the mythic It would be remiss not to also mention the live and whenever I pass one I simply have to stop back-story of the universe of the book. We framing device. I have previously said how and have a look inside. It’s simply the sort of shop account – presented in don’t get any clear-cut exposition or a precise much I like a story where an older version of that draws you in. From its beautiful wooden book- timeline of events presented in an appendix à the character recounts the story of their life shelves to its wide selection of literature and fre- real time – of three men la The Lord of the Rings. Rather Kvothe, that as it really allows the reader to get in their quent author events Daunt Books has everything is the younger Kvothe of the story within a heads. This is especially relevant in this story a book lover could want. sitting in a bar and talk- story, learns of the ancient events that eventu- since, as could be expected of an exception- Set up some twenty years by James Daunt, a ally come to shape his destiny through half ally skilled teenager, the younger Kvothe is ing” former investment banker who last year was ap- forgotten legends, religious propaganda and often arrogant and full of himself. This could pointed the managing director of Waterstones, old children’s bedtime stories. Kvothe, and have easily become annoying and obnox- this is a bibliophile’s dream and a chain like no The series’ massive success is certainly the reader, being left to decipher the truth ious if not for the older Kvothe pointing out, other. Its unique selling point is that it groups unexpected. On the surface it seems like from these fragments adds a lot to the books mostly through nothing more than a some- most of its books by geographical location. This standard fantasy fare – a magical school, or and serves as a fascinating examination of what disproving tone, how stupid his younger means you are likely to fi nd travel guides, history more specifi cally a university; an evil plot to how facts can become twisted through time. self really was at times. The framing device books, and translations of novels all together on destroy the world; a noble race of warriors – Also noteworthy is the magic system in The also provides much of the driving force for the same shelf. This is a great system that often does any of this sound familiar? As soon as Kingkiller Chronicle. I am of the opinion that the story – though the two time periods in leads those browsing the stacks to great books you open either of the books you even see an magic in fi ction works best when it is either the novel are only some ten years apart the that they might have never considered. It is re- utterly generic and not especially well drawn left very mysterious, like, say, in The Lord of older Kvothe is a drastically different, broken freshing to see such an international outlook – map of the sort that is clearly inspired by the Rings, or when it follows strict, well ex- man – leaving the reader to wonder how he my experience of other bookshops in this country Tolkien and commonly appears in the work plained rules. A system that tries to take the became this way. being that they focus mainly on English language of unexceptional authors such as Juliet McK- middle road, such as that in the Harry Pot- literature. It certainly expands one’s mind to read enna and Adrian Tchaikovsky. One’s expecta- ter books, very rarely works. A story where books from other cultures so its great that there’s tions are hardly likely to be raised by the fact the various incantations cause weird things “This is a truly unforget- somewhere in London where you can fi nd obscure the an accurate description of the plot is that to happen for some unexplained reason, with Czech, German and Japanese novels. it’s an account – presented in real time – of arbitrary limitations, quickly gets frustrating table series – I would go Daunt Books has six branches all over London – three men sitting in a bar and talking. and leaves the door wide open for deus ex from Fulham Road in Chelsea to Marylebone High It’s what they’re talking about that’s inter- machina endings. The Kingkiller Chronicle is so far as to say that in Street, so you have no excuse not to check one esting as Kvothe, famed musician, sword- special since it actually features both types of out. You won’t be disappointed. fi ghter and magic user who has, for some as the ‘good’ magic – fi rstly a mysterious Wizard many ways it rivals Tolk- Maciej Matuszewski yet unknown reason, been forced into hiding of Earthsea style name-based magic and sec- and is posing as innkeeper in a small village, ondly the more commonly used “sympathy”. ien” recounts the story of his life to his apprentice Since this latter form is so well explained it and a historian. This is where Rothfuss shows lets the readers understand the characters’ This is a truly unforgettable series – I would his skill at moulding mundane and tired sub- limitations and means that whenever they go so far as to say that in many ways it ri- We need contributors! Do you have a pas- ject matter into something exceptional. His use their arcane abilities it just seems natu- vals Tolkien. Everything about it just seems sion for books? Do you want to write about lit- clear, engaging style draws you in immedi- ral. It also unique and refreshing in that it is to work and fi t together to create something erature? Do you want to experience the thrill ately. Soon you begin to notice that the au- presented in a scientifi c manner. Sympathy exceptional. I am certainly looking forward of seeing your name in print? Contact us at thor’s strength lies not only in style but also actually obeys conservation of energy and to the conclusion, The Doors of Stone, and [email protected]. in plotting and worldbuilding, as he expands lectures at the aforementioned magical uni- advise you all to check out the fi rst two books on common tropes in the genre to create a fas- versity involve students having to memorise before it comes out. 36 Friday 03 february 2012 FELIX Travel Editors: Dushi Arumuganesan Chris Richardson TRAVEL [email protected] Making a difference in Malawi Loïc Baboulaz makes his mark on the Malawian healthcare system

eptember 2011: From the bers of Baobab Health Trust, a Malawian air, it looked like a leopard’s organization delivering medical infor- coat: hills of dry grass were matics solutions to hospitals and clinics dotted with random dark across Malawi. I noticed the offi ce of spots of green mango trees Baobab Health one day while driving in andS large boulders. I landed in the capi- Lilongwe and I met with founder Gerry tal of Malawi, Lilongwe, at the peak of Douglas to offer to work as a volunteer. the dry season in south eastern Africa. The next day, and for the next three Independent since 1964, and demo- months, I worked at Baobab Health and cratic since 1994, Malawi is a land- was in charge of three projects related to locked country of 15.5 million people, image processing and electronics. Work- nestled between Mozambique, Zambia ing for a Malawian NGO with Malawi- and Tanzania. Running from North to ans engineers and for Malawians’ inter- South along the Great Rift Valley. ests was truly one of my greatest and most memorable experiences. Created in the USA in 2000, and of- “...truly one of my fi cially Malawian since 2008, Baobab Health is replacing Malawi’s traditional greatest and most paper-based system of medical records with an electronic system in hospitals memorable experi- and clinics, with the goal of improv- ing healthcare delivery and reducing its ences” costs through better planning. In Ma- Joining a Malawian primary school for the day lawi, there is on average one doctor for 50 000 people (versus 400 in Europe and Malawi enjoys a healthy wildlife and the USA) so the task of collecting and efi ts both patients and doctors, but also the different centres for monitoring, sup- and its youths who desperately need role stunning diverse landscapes with fl at updating medical records is usually as- the nation in helping making policies port or service delivery. Baobab Health models and encouragement to believe in plains, woodlands, wetlands, rainfor- signed to health workers with no com- and planning drug purchase. can pride itself on having, in its system, themselves and their future. ests, and mountains up to 3,000m tall. puter experience. Also, nurses and low- Malawi is a low-resource and chal- 1.5 million patients registered across 23 Its eponymous lake, with warm crystal skilled clinicians provide most of the lenging environment for deploying sites and over 122 000 patients on anti- clear water and sandy beaches, is part of healthcare to people and would benefi t modern IT technology. Power cuts, com- retroviral therapy. “...Baobab Health the lives of many Malawians whether it greatly from a clinical decision support munication network outage and chronic I fi rst heard of Baobab Health in the is for daily use, fi shing, tourism or for system for medical diagnosis. Existing fuel shortages regularly affect main hos- book The Boy Who Harnessed The has transformed my 98% of its hydro-based electricity. Nev- medical informatics solutions from the pitals. Health centres in the countryside Wind. It tells the remarkable story of ertheless, with only 6% of the popula- Western world are not adapted to emerg- reaching most of the population are sim- William Kamkwamba, a young 14-year- vision of engineering” tion having access to power, an aver- ing countries like Malawi, so engineers ply out of all grids. To overcome these old Malawian boy, who had dropped out age life expectancy of just 50 years, an at Baobab Health have developed their problems, Baobab Health fi nds innova- of school. Using books from the library HIV/AIDS rate of 12%, and 65% of the own open-source software and custom tive and sustainable solutions with cus- and parts from a scrapyard, he managed Emerging countries can benefi t tre- population below the poverty line, sta- hardware solutions by stripping down a tomized workstations, low-power serv- to build his own windmill to power his mendously from new technologies, pro- tistics unfortunately rank Malawi among computer to its bare essentials: a touch- ers, alternative sources of energy and family house. Baobab Health helped to vided that they are carefully adapted to the world’s least-developed countries: screen, no keyboard and an intuitive, continuous power backup. This allows spread the word of his engineering tal- the particular needs and issues of each 171/187. highly optimized, user-interface that an HIV clinic to run with three touch- ents at a TED conference in 2007. From region. I left Malawi during the rainy In the days following my arrival, these guides clinical practitioners through screen workstations, three label print- that moment, William Kamkwamba season and the land was then covered cold, hard facts about Malawi’s diffi cul- each task (registration, diagnosis, pre- ers, a network switch and a server for became a media sensation and is now with lush, green vegetation: it had trans- ties were quickly overshadowed by the scription) while also preventing error less power than a single 100-watt light able to pursue his studies in the USA. formed itself as much as Baobab Health exceptional kindness and friendliness of entries.. The result is a much more accu- bulb. Engineers also set up their own This extraordinary and inspiring story has transformed my vision of engineer- Malawians. Among them are the mem- rate and faster data collection that ben- communication antennas to interconnect is sadly unknown to most Malawians ing.

A rural landscape in Malawi “...Baobab Health, a Malawian organization delivering medical informatics solutions...” FELIX Friday 03 february 2012 37 CLUBS & SOCIETIES The technology behind Raincatcher Pavitar Devgon explains rainwater harvesting systems

y now, I’m sure you’ve and the dirty water can be used for heard a lot about Rain- other needs. catcher’s aims. But how In previous years, Raincatcher much of the technology teams’ only purpose was to build wa- behind our systems do ter tanks but, this summer, our team youB know about? intends to start a new program – the In order to support our aim of pro- “Training of Trainers” scheme, which viding clean, sustainable supplies of aims to educate people in Tabora and water to people who currently cannot local rural areas about hygiene, sani- access it, Raincatcher sends a team to tation and how to construct their own Tanzania every year to build rainwa- domestic scale rainwater harvesting It’s not just about the aims with Raincatcher ter harvesting systems. systems. This will be a huge step to- As with many equatorial countries, wards sustainability as local people Tanzania’s climate fl uctuates between will be able to provide for themselves extremes year round; during the wet and learn about the safety of water season, there is plenty of rain pro- use. As our last article pointed out, viding suffi cient supplies of water, this education is crucial – there is no but during the dry season, water re- point having access to water if it is sources become scarce. Our rainwa- not looked after, cleaned and main- ter harvesting systems are built so tained. that water can be collected in the wet Along with the fi rst fl ush system, a season, usually from buildings with fi lter needs to be installed to prevent large roofs like schools and church- small organisms and detritus infect- es. The water is then sent by gutters ing the water. A simple mechanical to a vast tank for storage until it is fi lter can remove small items from the needed. Typically, the tanks can hold water, and one prospect considered is a few hundred thousand litres of wa- the sand fi lter. This looks a bit like ter. This year, our aim is to build two a ceramic fl ower pot, but contains 100,000L tanks for two schools in the sand of varying coarseness which village of Igunga. removes smaller solutes as the water fl ows further down the fi lter. How- ever, due to the amount of water in- “The are some im- volved and time it takes to fi lter, this doesn’t seem like a viable solution for portant points to our large tanks, and will instead be used in the Training of Trainers pro- consider when build- gram for smaller household-scale wa- ter tanks. A different design of fi lter, ing a water tank on which can handle much larger quanti- ties of water, will be implemented for this scale” the big tanks. To remove biological hazards in However, there are some important water, it is common to boil it, but the points to consider when building a Training of Trainers program will water tank on this scale. The initial incorporate another, more practical concern is the size. The standard con- method. Most dwellings in the vil- crete tanks that Raincatcher uses can lages of Tanzania are self-made and only hold a maximum of 150,000L of feature corrugated iron roofs. Water water above ground; any more water in transparent bottles or jars can be and the pressure inside will rupture placed on the roofs and the heat from the structure. In the past, Raincatcher the sun is refl ected and focused to the teams have built tanks which can hold water, killing most of the microbes 250,000 litres of water underground, present. This has an advantage over which had the advantage of being boiling – the sun’s light also contains able to balance the pressure. ultraviolet radiation, which most Another factor to consider is the high-tech water fi lters use to purify issue of the fi rst fl ush. When it rains water! This is a cheap, sustainable and water collects from the roofs, and low-tech alternative and we hope there is often dust and other sediment it will prove a huge success. transported with it, which are not So although you may hear us talk- clean to drink. The idea of the fi rst ing a lot about rainwater harvesting fl ush is to drain away the volume of systems, remember there is much water that contains the residue so that more that needs to be done to cre- subsequent fl ows are uncontaminat- ate a sustainable supply of fresh wa- ed. This has to be incorporated into ter. Any donations you make will go the design of the tank, which we have a long way to help us realising this solved by using a diversion chamber; project. To fi nd out more about Rain- the fi rst fl ush will fi ll this chamber catcher Imperial, or to donate money and, once full, water can pass on to through Virgin Money Giving, please the tank. The chamber is then drained visit www.raincatcherimperial.org.

HANGMAN 2.0 The biggest comeback since your last orgy

Play Ecstasy of Gold while reading this section 40 Friday 03 February 2012 FELIX

HANGMAN 2.0 [email protected] plans to close down south kensington campus cause confusion and some relief

To help understand the reason for haxz0r mcrandy skipping the important step of asking l33t hacker & p0rnstar students what they think. The College has released a subject specifi c anal- hangman The South Kensington campus was ogy guide: Reporting from Libya not hitting its target of £1bn profi t every week. Unfortunately this led Maths: It’s like when you know the We’re back! After years of watching to it being cut. They took student start and end of a proof but not a step our illegitimate children run amok concerns into consideration. The in the middle. Just write it down as if with what was once the glorious study concluded whatever the it’s obvious and put Q.E.D at the end. satire section of an obscure student people who conducted the study Physics: When you’re results are not newspaper, the Hangman team of wanted to conclude. A focus group a straight line. Just tweak them a bit. old have come back with a hostile was even used. Completely fair, im- Chemistry: When your product is a acquisition. Sure we whacked a guy, partial, and defi nitely not leading, low yield and you add some salt. sure we set a cat on fi re, but isn’t it questions were asked. These con- Materials: What the fuck do you worth it? That was rhetorical, be- sisted of deep, intense questioning guys even actually do? cause the obvious answer is yes! In such as: “Would you like to be on an The land will be sold to JP Morgan to save moving training resources fact we’re back as Hangman 2.0. Like even better campus?” It turned out, web 2.0 but with real dick sauce. when you ask this everyone replied given free iPads. late investment banking accurately. provement. The dining room need- We know what some of you are yes! Luckily, this was enough to jus- The change will also coincide with The content of lectures will also be ed to be made much better. She thinking. Who the fuck are you? What tify moving to a different campus broad changes across the board in cut and some courses will be en- decided, wisely, that the best way happened to the old guys? Why is my and re-branding. curriculum. The vocational side of tirely removed. Lecturers will be no- to do this was to buy a new house. penis so small? Will clipping my pu- Imperial Training Academy for courses is to be largely expanded. tifi ed by e-mail. None were available, so she just bic hair make it look bigger? All valid Banking, Management and Con- Labs will be carried out in groups It’s not all looking like bad news, found the owners of a nice house questions, however if you’re one of sulting, as it shall henceforth be so students will always have an ex- there will be lectures in consulting, and is trying to kick them out. The the 99% who asked any of the above, known, will be, fi ttingly, moving to ample of a “time they worked in a ensuring students “actually know Dinner Lady is going to try to raise then unfortunately you’re already a the City. Widespread anger about group”. To add to that, students will what the fuck consulting really funds by having a large, clear-out lost cause. the move has been appeased by el be forced to do spreadsheets for 16 means”. sale. She’ll be selling the 1000 club More importantly we’d like to tell Presidente as he said that all was hours straight while full of cocaine In other news, The Dinner Lady’s sandwiches that are left over in the you “the situation.” It’s like this, we’ll okay because everyone has been and coffee; this change will simu- house was a bit shit and needed im- library cafe as nobody eats them. bring you so much satire, lolgasms and unnecessarily misogynistic jokes that you’ll either cry or have a pleasant night of autoerotic asphyxi- ation, unless the bitches complain. deputy president (education) resigns Let’s be honest though, it’s not as if they’re going to read this section, or be able to read at all. Relax, we’re joking. We love women… Daily. If you seriously believe women are inca- from office after lumia 900 launch – par pable of reading then seek medical advice immediately. Besides, women are lucky to have you there to protect them. It’s not like they could stick up Ross Goldberg reports on not so shocking but still controversial news for themselves or even take a joke. They could never engage in, obvi- In what can only be described as ager. Upon his resignation, Mr Par- One group of Civil Engineering ously light-hearted, ‘banter’ as fuck- an elated moment for Imperial Stu- mar was seen to be working at the PhD students posted a video on wits refuse to not call it. dent society, Onion Deputy Presi- aforementioned phone shop as an YouTube, demanding that “until If you’re still with us, then be sure dent (Education) Jason Parmar has Orange Nokia sales representative. the bureaucracy and red tape at to cut out the glossary on the next offi cially resigned from offi ce after After speaking with the Onion the Onion is eradicated... (they) page. This handy list will help you weeks of suspicion and doubt. Mr Presidente, Scott Heath, about how will do no work.” keep up with the “actors” we pay ri- Parmar publicly announced the this would affect his plans for the The Iron Lady (who has no affi li- diculously high salaries to run the col- fairly uncontroversial news via his rest of the year, Heath said “I think ations with the faculty of Engineer- lege. A bit like the ones in Parliament Facebook account on the evening we can now safely guarantee stu- ing) offered an offi cial viewpoint who are making some BBC show of the 28th January. dents the best possible mobile con- on the situation. Claiming that “PhD with terrible speeches. Someone told Mr Parmar said that he is “Re- tract, in what is sure to be a bright students do nothing but drink cof- me they weren’t actors but are in real- signing as dpe- sick and tired of future..” fee in the Senior Common Room.” ity real people doing real jobs to pay bureaucracy and red tape....noth- When Hangman contacted the of- In his reaction to the alleged for their second home in France. That ing ever gets done around here and fi ce of the only other Orange rep- claims, Sweet Potatoes has can’t be true. it’s sickening the amount of money resentative associated with the Col- decreed an offi cial inves- Anyway, last week we wrote some- wasted/ embezzled by the sup- lege, The Dinner Lady, we received tigation into the On- thing too shocking and had to hastily posed fi gureheads of our student no response. ion’s fi nances with redo the page. Our announcement body. I just want Britain to be back It is unknown whether the actions any fi ndings to was ------did a ----- on ------with a British!!!!” [sic]. of Mr Parmar will spark any kind of be reported only ------and ------Maggie Dallman Insider sources believe that this reaction from the student body as to him, claiming ------eed ------with a parsnip ------was an inevitable outcome after Mr of yet. However militant groups of this is an “in- destroyed department ------end- Parmar was seen at a local Orange postgraduates have begun to form ternal affair, lol ed in an excellent rectal exam. store speaking with the store’s man- in the dark recesses of the College. PAR”. FELIX Friday 03 february 2012 41

Drunk Mate of Twatter Glossary the Week SUPERACEGORTHEROAR87 1 hrs

cut out and keep for future use TF2 session tonight yeah? Barack_attack 55 mins Rector – Keith O’Nions Sweet Potatoes FFS can’t. Got to go to parents Jane Neary The Dinner Lady evening. Lame ass kids Maggie Dallman The Iron Lady Scott Heath el Presidente Cameron_DA_Maneron!! 45 mins Jason Parmar Mr N9 Michael Foster Tony Soprano Fuck your kids Obie. Manya Zard Mothra Nicholas Massie Captain Condom Barack_attack 40 mins The Union The Onion The Imperial College of Imperial Training Academy I’m not going to fuck my kids Science, Technology and for Banking, Management Cammy Medicine and Consulting Cameron_DA_Maneron!! 30 mins Impromptu break dancing lesson in the union bar ends in catastrophe OMG its an expression. Like a metaphor or something. I didn’t meant actually fuck your kids. THE NEWS WITHOUT THE NEWS Ed_Balls 2 mins

I’ll fuck your kids Obie haha FIRE SERVICE TAKES SUPERACEGORTHEROAR87 1 mins ....wtf? DRASTIC ACTION Ed_Balls 1 mins AGAINST GUERILLA Haha. Jk! Barack_attack 5 secs What the fuck is wrong with you Ed HIDE AND SEEKERS Balls? WHORE-IZZLESCOPES - misogyny: not a viewpoint. a default CANCER TAURUS GEMINI VIRGO ARIES LEO

This week you fi nd yourself Reading your copy of Felix As this week begins, you fi nd Nostalgic readers among you Sorry, compared to last week Vagina. What, we read Virgo reading the all new horo- got that much easier, espe- yourself in a dark nightclub may begin to see a trend of your outlook for the next 7 wrong. When we look into the scopes. Gosh, they’re awe- cially if you’re blind. If you’re with sub par minge. When debauched old school Hang- days is only going to get Hangman crystal ball (aka some! That’s right: I used the not blind yet, then you can we say sub par, we mean man forming. Good for you, worse. It’s not even your fault. Matt Colvin’s iMac) all we see word gosh – and what? It’s apply for the highly selective chickswithdicks.com level. that probably means you re- It’s that god damn smoking is a bloody hot sweaty spam that kind of vocabulary that Hangman vision reassign- There’s only one thing to do, member when this newspa- hot LILF (Lecturer I’d Like to purse. This means only one gets Hangman the girls. Not ment surgery. After one look tell all the hoes that you are per was good. Guardian Stu- Fuck) you have for tutorials thing for you. The divines any kind of girl either, we’re at our very own mothra you’ll the editor of a highly preten- dent Media award good. Not four times a week. Seriously, have decreed that your guilty talking about exclusive DTF be reading the braille edition tious student newspaper and just a nomination. Those were having a throbbing member pleasure of watching birthing girls. Non Imperial girls. Mm- in no time (braille reading feel the stubble rash coming the days (YouTube’s Last Dic- in your new skinny jeans for videos is just plain wrong. Es- mmm, attractive bitches... course is supplementary). your way. Not your stubble. tator Standing Nandos Ad). that long is unhealthy. pecially when it’s your own. SAGITTARIUS CAPRICORN AQUARIUS SCORPIO PISCES LIBRA

Everybody knows Libras Scorpio, Scorpio, Scorpio. This week you spend eighty In a controversial move, this This week they fi nd a cure Ever think that the symbol for love cock. It doesn’t matter Where do we begin. We hours on Skyrim. WTF! Like week you decide to watch for herpes. OMG! This is the Pisces looks like two guys if you’re a girl, a guy, some- know you’ve had a tough seriously why does that game Starship Troopers on your day you’ve been waiting for. sucking man goo from one thing in between.. It’s just a time recently. You lost your never end? Just because brand new Netfl ix account. Ever since you went down on another? Us too, especially universal constant, like the family, got kicked out of your you’ve become emotion- Holy Christ’s buttplug Neil that blonde bitch in freshers’ when we saw your future. speed of light. One that can’t bullshit materials degree, ally attached to your in game Patrick Harris is awesome! week. Sadly doctors couldn’t Nothing to be ashamed of, be broken without neutrinos. and are now facing eviction “wife” doesn’t mean she does The scene with the brain bug fi nd a cure for your chronic you’ll just lose your soul. God Good news is that this week from your squat. However we anal. Hangman honestly be- begins and you start to fanta- case of being an asshole. The said it was wrong, he told us you’ll be invited to a bukkake feel it’s our duty to inform you lieves your life would be bet- sise about placing your un- doctor subsequently kicks himself. BTW clipping your party. Bad news is it’s your that this week will bring no re- ter playing Newton’s cradle subtle errection into its orifi ce. you in the cunt and refuses to pubic hair defo makes your turn to be in the middle. spite. HIV bro. Damn... with the girlguy from Gemini. Orifi ces are so warm. treat you. Wait – you’re a girl? knob look bigger. 42 Friday 03 february 2012 FELIX Puzzles Editor: James Hook

PUZZLES [email protected] Quick(ish) Crossword Last Week’s 1 2 3 4 4 5 6 7 8 Across Down 9 Solutions 1. Long lasting and/or diffi cult 1. Small mammal of the Her- task (8) pestes family, examples include 10 11 10 5. Social standing; general ichneumon (8) condition (6) 2. Competed to see who was Nonogram 10. Shallow recess; tailored to a faster (5) specifi c set of interests (5) 3. 1965 fi lm with Julie Andrews 1211 12 13 15 11. Man who led childen away and Christopher Plummer from a German town in revenge (3,5,2,5) 13 in a fairy tale (4,5) 4. In theory (2,5) 12. Th e ____ - 1965 Broadway 6. Small evident part of some- 141316 151417 18 15 191516 2016 play about contrasting room- thing largely hidden (3,2,3,7) mates (3,6) 7. Head person (orig. of bur- 16 1721 13. Small, thin piece broken lesque show) (3,6) away from something; bail at 8. Set of episodes (6) 162217 18 23 182419 1920 25 the last minute (5) 9. Acoustic environment that sur- 14. Wrench (7) rounds a sound (6) 21 19 16. Decapitate (6) 15. Something that entertains (9) 18. Th e “old continent” contain- 17. County containing the Men- 262220 21 23 22 2324 ing around 50 countries (6) dips, Exmoor and Cheddar (8) 20. 1975 muscal set in Prohibi- 19. Urges someone to do some- tion-era Illinois (7) thing (4,2) 22. Vapour or fume (5) 20. Biscuit; fi rework; program- 2524 25 26 23. Rumour network (9) mer (7) 25. Sandstone monolith known 21. e.g. Ascension, Madeira, Crosswords for “anger” at dusk (5,4) Campbell (6) 26. Expression of he character 24. Country - second largest by 2627 28 of a cultural or social group (5) population, 7th by area (5) 27. Discover; investigate (6) QUICK(ish) - Well done if you 28. Carrying young (8) managed to do it, it was a toughie. Certainly beyond my capability... Across: 1. Lob 3. Academical 8. Notwithstanding 9. Gallicism 11. SLITHERLINK Word Wheel Ought 14. Adored 15. Excision 16. R L Penzance 17. Reason 19. Aside 3 2 22. Symbiotic 23. Dissatisfaction TARGET: 21 Y T 24. Twentyfold 25. Yes 2 1 2 Down: 1. Leopard 2. Bowdlerized 3 A 3. Antecedent 4. Datum 5. Mango Make as many words of at least 6. Cling 7. Lighten 10. Scenery 12. 2 3 3 2 4 letters as you can, always using the O V Unseaworthy 13. Scoreboard 16. central one. NO plurals, conjugated Plaudit 18. Ominous 20. Issue 3 3 221 2 verbs, comparatives or superlatives, N U 21. Enact 22. Stiff because I said so.. There is always at 2 3 3 2 2 least one 9 letter word.

CRYPTIC - Across 1. Playing the 2 1 11 fi eld 9. Take apart 10. Barge 11. ChessSoc Chess Heave 12. Debauched 14. Aide 3 323 2 15. Bask 16. Ratio 18. Inane 20. Hide 21. Jerk 24. Cathedral 25. 222 2 Scram 27.Ulnar 28. Gastritis 29. Temple of Artemis Down 1. Patch 2. Awkward 3. Imager 4. Grandfa- 322 2 2 2 ther 5. Hit 6. February 7. Earshot 8. Dreadlock 13. Baked Alaska 14. 3 3 3 3 2 Agincourt 17. Referral 19. Antonym 22. Erratum 23. Esprit 26. Moses 28. Goo The aim with Slitherlink is to have lines. That’s all the info you make one continuous closed need to get the one logical answer loop by connecting the dots. The (though waiting a week to see the numbers in each square indicate solution will also do). Answers how many edges of the square to puzzles.felix@imperial. are part of the loop, so if it con- ac.uk, as the puzzles team re- tains a “2”, you know that two cieves one per correct solution. Chess and only two out of four edges

“The surprising 1. bxa8=N!! wins in a stylish 3 moves (the computer Contributions wanted! could not even fi nd this, so well If you’d like to contribute by sending in puzzles, comics done if you got it) The follow up or even some editing, e-mail puzzles.felix@imperial. goes like so: 1...Kxg2 2. Nb6! ac.uk. Be they horrendously complicated things or funky where both Kh1, Kf3 and Bxb6 lose picture puzzles you think readers would like, do get in to 3. a8=Q#” touch. General suggestions are also welcome. FELIX Friday 03 february 2012 43 PUZZLES

FUCWIT League Leader Board The Felix University/College- Nonogram – Gotham Needs You TTeams:eams: Wide Invitational Tournament League is both new and Elbowfart 96 improved, with prizes for both the winning team and the win- The Jailbaits 87 ning individual. Pegasus & Parrots 71 Points are awarded for each 2 2 puzzle solved, double if you’re 1 1 1 1 1 2 Paddy Got Bummed 55 the fi rst correct solution. 2 1 1 3 1 3 1 2 1 1 1 Cum Puzzling Sluts 31 The competition is hotting up, 10 2 5 5 5 6 1 1 1 4 7 3 4 3 5 each wave of solutions more Team Nuclear 17 climactic than the last. Can 3 1 1 1 3 you really afford to miss out? Ludibrium Lads 14 2 2 2 2 IIndividuals:ndividuals: Send your solutions to puzzles. 1 1 Jeremy Neale 101 [email protected]! Wael Aljeshi 29 Wael Aljeshi 37 1 1 2 2 2 2

3 1 1 2 Cryptic Crosswords? No Thanks! 1 11 Having trouble with the Fe- 1 2 2 lix cryptic crosswords in the sports section? No idea what 1 3 3 it all means or would like to know why some answers are 1 4 2 as they are? Contact puzzles. [email protected] with the 8 subject line “Cryptic Help”. You’ll be sent an introduction to how cryptic crosswords 2 2 work and what to look out for. Each week you’ll also re- 2 2 1 ceive complete explanations to the answers in the previ- 1 1 1 ous week’s Felix cryptic cross- word. 1 1 1

The cells in a grid have to be coloured broken lines of filled-in squares there The overall solution should yield As usual, answers to puzzles.fe- or left blank according to numbers at are in any given row or column. Look at some sort of picture, or as good as a [email protected]. the side of the grid. last week’s solution to see what a typi- picture can look in monochrome on a The numbers measure how many un- cal solution looks like. 15x15 grid. WorDUOku Pleasant Suggestive F N What’s better than one fulfi lling existence? TWO wordokus, you say? Well, in that case U C O I you’re in for a treat! L F U I S U O K A E Q Tell you what, in addition, every row, column and 3x3 box must contain the letters in the grid I S N N O A once and once only. Along one of the rows or columns, a very special word or phrase will ap- O A L C I C K N pear. More often than not, I’ve been told that these phrases yield great advice to be applied to S N O Q O E almost any situation. N U A O L C A E The headings above refl ect the childishness of the word or phrase. The more childish the word, I L A K Q E I tumblr: multipleimproperintegrals.tumblr. the more diffi cult the wordoku. com I A N O C twitter: @miicomic Jonathan Peek We may not have a lab... Though we do make discoveries daily.

Get involved. For Science. [email protected] FELIX Friday 03 February 2012 45 Sport Editors: I n d y L e c l e r c q David Wilson [email protected] SPORT Netball 3s crush LSE; plucky 4s lose to St George’s

Feroza Kassam Feroza Kassam Netball home side were sitting comfortably at Women’s 3s 39 half time, leading 23-1. To their credit, LSE continued to bat- LSE 4s 5 tle on after the break and were rewarded with a few second half goals, although Women’s 4s 8 it did little to close the sizeable gap. De- spite their best attempts to salvage the St George’s 4s 22 game, the IC shooters were always able to fi nd an extra half yard when it mat- tered, resulting in a well-deserved 39-5 IC 3s triumphed in the fi rst game of victory for Imperial. what was a busy week of fi xtures, out- Unfortunately Imperial 4s didn’t playing LSE 4s in an open and fast enjoy similar success in their match paced encounter. After an end-to-end against St. George’s 4s. There were few fi rst few minutes, IC soon asserted their chances to steal in the early stages of authority and quickly raced to a 5-0 the game, with the ball stuck in the cen- lead. tre of court for much of the fi rst quarter. Despite a sublime goal from the very At the fi rst break the score line was low; edge of the D by LSE’s Goal Shooter, just 3-3, a testament to the disciplined, Imperial’s spirit was undiminished and resilient play by both sides. Archer’s 5 further goals closed the quarter at 10- impressive interceptions won her play- 1. Imperial continued their dominat- er of the match and the fi rst half closed ing streak in the second quarter with with both sides very much still in the shooters Piening and Bachelor showing game. But it was in the second half that deadly accuracy in front of goal. LSE St George’s pulled away; most of the tried to fi nd an opening but were un- away goals were scored in the fourth able to break the fl uidity of IC’s play. quarter and the fi nal scoreboard read With stylish passing that wouldn’t have 22-8 to St Georges; by no means an ac- been out of place at The Nou Camp, the curate refl ection of the game. Netball. Much easier when the ball sticks to your hands Fencing: champs! Charlotte Levin

...Continued from Back Page This almost-too-easy string of wins dropped fi ve hits overall, which left the meant that, once again, the IC Women’s epeeists twenty-four hits up, and need- 1st team were crowned Premiership ing to score twenty-one to put the match champions, with eight wins out of eight. away. By this time, all the other teams Could the men emulate them, and re- had fi nished fencing (including the girls) tain their crown too? The match against and the entire Imperial contingent had Bristol was to be key. Once again, the turned out to provide support – much sabreurs began with panache, winning needed up against a vocal Oxford con- easily and putting the team ahead. The tingent. The epeeists made excruciat- foilists then won their match, not putting ingly slow progress, but the hits built a foot wrong to leave epee only need- up, bit by bit. Hollywood scriptwriters ing nine hits to win. They achieved this could not have imagined the scene bet- comfortably, and while they did not win ter, as the anchor Harry Gulliver came their match, the overall score ended up up for his fi nal fi ght needing a single hit as 125-99 to Imperial. With only ULU, to win the match overall. After conced- the weakest team in the league, to go, the ing a couple of hits, while everyone else men were confi dent they could seal their was chewing their nails off, Harry came league win. ULU didn’t pose a threat at through with a double hit, and the crowd all, and all three weapons posted com- raised the roof in Ethos. As the Oxford fortable victories as Imperial ran away anchor slumped his shoulders in defeat, with it. Final score: 135-71. Imperial rejoiced –they just had to win The Premiership was in the bag. Both the next day’s matches to win the league. teams saw fi t to go for a celebratory Final score against Oxford: 100-97. Wagamama dinner, although the tired- The next day saw the girls fence their ness was palpable in some! epee matches, and the guys take on The Imperial fencing fi rst teams are Bristol and ULU. Full of confi dence now attempting to defend their cham- from the day before, the women’s team pionship titles by winning this year’s proceeded to seal their victory against BUCS knockout competition and con- Queen Mary with an emphatic 135-24 fi rming their status as the best in the fi nal score. Victories against Oxford country. The men are up against Durham (135-117) and UCL (135-89) followed. in the quarter-fi nals on the 22nd, and the The only off note of the evening was the women fence Bristol on the same date. Singing rowdy songs all together after a match: an integral part of fencing epee loss to Cambridge – although the Both matches are in Ethos, so ocome From L-R: Harry Gulliver, Chris Gilliam, Ed Collier, Henry Gann, Glen Ostacchini, Didier Nohlmans (c), Maiyuran Ratneswaran, Jon Ashcroft, Indy Leclercq girls still won it overall, 120-103. down and support! 46 Friday 03 february 2012 FELIX Sport Editors: I n d y L e c l e r c q David Wilson SPORT [email protected] Felix Sports League Hockey: Men’s 2s remain unbeaten

...where do you stand? IC Hockey

Team P W D L F A Diff Index 1 Fencing W1 5 5 0 0 403 233 170 5.00 2 ICSM Football M2 3 3 0 0 11 6 5 5.00 3 ICSM Hockey W2 2 2 0 0 10 1 9 5.00 4 Lacrosse W2 1 1 0 0 7 2 5 5.00 5 Tennis M1 4 4 0 0 38 10 28 5.00 6 Tennis W1 5 5 0 0 56 4 52 5.00 7 Ultimate Frisbee 1st 3 3 0 0 45 9 36 5.00 8 Hockey W1 6 5 1 0 15 3 12 4.50 9 Rugby M1 8 7 0 1 242 149 93 3.88 10 Badminton W1 5 3 2 0 25 15 10 3.80 11 Fencing M1 5 4 0 1 585 460 125 3.20 12 Hockey M2 5 4 0 1 23 10 13 3.20 13 Table Tennis W1 5 4 0 1 19 6 13 3.20 14 Basketball M1 7 4 0 0 465 380 85 2.86 15 ICSM Badminton W1 4 3 0 1 18 14 4 2.75 16 Badminton M1 5 3 1 1 27 13 14 2.60 17 Squash W1 5 3 1 1 11 9 2 2.60 18 Tennis M2 6 3 2 1 40 32 8 2.50 19 Fencing W2 6 4 0 2 564 585 -21 2.00 20 ICSM Hockey W1 4 2 1 1 23 9 14 2.00 21 Lacrosse W1 6 4 0 2 85 36 49 2.00 22 Netball W1 6 4 0 2 240 195 45 2.00 23 Football M1 7 3 2 2 12 10 2 1.57 24 Badminton M2 5 3 0 2 13 19 -6 1.40 25 Basketball W1 5 3 0 2 278 223 55 1.40 26 Lacrosse M1 5 3 0 2 51 27 24 1.40 27 ICSM Badminton M2 4 1 2 1 15 17 -2 1.25 28 Football M3 7 4 0 3 13 14 -1 1.14 29 Hockey W2 6 3 1 3 6 26 -20 0.83 30 Football M2 7 3 1 3 17 19 -2 0.71 31 Fencing M2 6 3 0 3 697 683 14 0.50 32 Futsal M1 4 2 0 2 18 27 -9 0.50 33 ICSM Football M1 2 1 0 1 4 6 -2 0.50 34 ICSM Netball W1 2 1 0 1 82 72 10 0.50 35 ICSM Netball W2 2 1 0 1 52 50 2 0.50 36 ICSM Netball W4 2 1 0 1 47 50 -3 0.50 37 ICSM Rugby M3 4 2 0 2 88 90 -2 0.50 38 Squash M3 6 3 0 3 10 19 -9 0.50 He can shoot faster than his own shadow. Down a pint faster. too 39 Table Tennis M2 6 3 0 3 53 49 4 0.50 40 Rugby M2 7 3 0 4 92 132 -40 -0.14 41 Golf Mixed 1st 4 1 1 2 7 10 -3 -0.25 Jason Ye Within the fi rst ten minutes our infamous for an ambulance to turn up. After half an 42 Table Tennis M1 5 2 0 3 38 47 -9 -0.40 Hockey 70% defensive press paid off and Dirty hour of waiting around with icepacks, tinfoil 43 Basketball M2 3 1 0 2 225 195 30 -1.00 Men’s 2nd 1 Whaler pilfered the ball from under the nose and warm clothes, however, the ambulance 44 ICSM Badminton M1 3 1 0 2 10 14 -4 -1.00 of the Roehampton left-back, promptly pass- never arrived due to the injury apparently 45 ICSM Rugby M1 3 1 0 2 52 104 -52 -1.00 Roehampton 0 ing it to the newly bar-named Captain Slow not being severe enough to merit one and he 46 ICSM Rugby M2 3 1 0 2 32 135 -103 -1.00 who was lingering on the baseline. Some was carried off the pitch by his teammates. 47 Netball W3 6 2 0 4 109 100 9 -1.00 silky skills into their circle later, he pulled a Ironically, the same injured Roehampton 48 Rugby M3 7 2 0 5 100 120 -20 -1.43 The Men’s 2nd XI are currently experiencing pass back to Fresher Joe who slotted it into player actually broke his thumb the last time 49 Hockey M1 7 1 0 4 9 30 -21 -1.57 a season of two halves. Going into the latest the goal past their keeper. he played us at the beginning of last term. 50 Football W1 4 1 0 3 4 35 -31 -1.75 BUCS match against Roehampton Mens’ 1s Having poked our noses in front, we rev- The second half was pretty much yet more 51 Netball W2 5 1 0 4 95 164 -69 -2.20 in the home fi xture having beaten them com- elled in being awarded yet more short cor- Imperial domination, with some moments 52 Squash M1 5 1 0 4 3 22 -19 -2.20 prehensively 4-1 at the start of the season, ners in their circle– however our esteemed of brilliance by Roehampton’s midfi elders 53 Hockey M3 6 1 0 5 7 18 -11 -2.50 we sit at the top of the league unbeaten with corner striker C. Bell fi red blanks and we more than matched by Soggy Biscuit’s mag- 54 ICSM Netball W5 4 0 1 3 25 185 -160 -2.50 3 wins and 1 draw, and not having played were unable to capitalise on the proverbial ic tackle at the back. This is also when the 55 Squash M2 6 1 0 5 11 18 -7 -2.50 the league leaders yet. In ULU we are sitting campsite we had set up around their goal. half an hour “break” started to take its toll on 56 Squash M4 6 1 0 5 3 15 -12 -2.50 squarely at the bottom, with 3 defeats. Consistently we were again unable to us. As Dirty Whaler noted in his post-match 57 Fencing M3 4 0 0 4 437 521 -84 -4.00 A shakeup in the squad due to the rock that use the huge amounts of possession or the comments, it was due to the accumulation 58 Hockey M4 5 0 0 5 3 38 -35 -4.00 is Tinkerbell making a step up to the 1st XI; territory we kept gaining by pressing their of Christmas-induced layers of fat. A couple 59 ICSM Basketball M1 1 0 0 1 46 64 -18 -4.00 Unterbrøw deciding to contract an STI; and defensive lines, which is something we of members of the team such as Yellowbag 60 ICSM Hockey M1 3 0 0 3 6 26 -20 -4.00 Doctor Fresher Tom twisting his knee the should defi nitely work on at future training seized up with cramp, leaving us to play To- 61 ICSM Hockey M2 3 0 0 3 3 19 -16 -4.00 day before the match, meant we had lost our sessions. It took a breakaway counterattack tal Hockey, constantly switching in and out 62 ICSM Hockey M3 1 0 0 1 0 3 -3 -4.00 two central defenders and a key central mid- by Roehampton’s sneaky centre midfi elder of each others’ positions in midfi eld. 63 ICSM Hockey W3 1 0 0 1 0 7 -7 -4.00 fi elder. Luckily to plug this huge hole in our to shoot towards goal, forcing an excellent Towards the end, IC experienced a bar- 64 ICSM Netball W3 3 0 0 3 26 106 -80 -4.00 back four, we had our team captain B. Man save from Glory Hole. The ball fell to B. rage of attacks and short corners, and it was 5 points for a win | 2 points for a draw | -4 points for a loss Briggs, and esteemed fresher Meatspin com- Man Briggs and in classic defensive fashion, a tribute to our strength and depth that our ing in from right and left back respectively he spanked the ball into a Roehampton play- solid sellotaped makeshift defence held out Web: www3.imperial.ac.uk/sports into the centre. er’s ankle. The umpire rightly gave a free hit to the fi nish line. Eventually the game fi n- Facebook: Search ‘Sport Imperial’ We came out of the blocks early and fast. to Imperial, despite the howls of pain of the ished with the score at 1-0 to Imperial, and Twitter: @SportImperial Some great passing down the right and left Roehampton striker. At this point we experi- our unbeaten record in the BUCS league was wings led to the some great attacking plays. enced an interlude in play, while we waited further cemented. FELIX Friday 03 february 2012 47 SPORT Captains’ Interviews: Cryptic Crossword 1,509

Handball 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 7 8 Indy Leclercq 9 10 Essential info: 11 12

Stefan Bauer, 23 Annabelle Mayers, 20 13 14 15

16 16 5th Year Medic 2nd year Biochemistry 17 18 19

Goalkeeper and Womens’ captain 20 21 22

founding member 23

of IC Handball 24 25

26 26 Likes: Vodka cornichon Likes: when the team scores Dislikes: getting hit where it hurts Across Down while goalkeeping Dislikes: Scandinavian he-women 1. Tory toff, passionate peeper, missing 1. Changing force making things damn a cuddle from Oxford tutor (5,7) icy! (7) 9. Loners lacking look clutching 2. Authentic software becomes trivially Indy Leclercq a men’s team compete in the universi- always train at Ruislip another three mainly DOTA - Imperial true, immersing one (7,7) Sport Editor ties tournament organised by England times a week. Four times is a bit much, stereotypes? (5) 3. Gave drugs at party for London duke Handball (EH). The following year we though! I usually train about two to 10. Out East, stock exchange to (5) Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you’re joined up with a First Division team, three times a week.” Annabelle con- weaken as told by author (4,5) 4. Tell our army the bloke is from having a good Friday afternoon (I Ruislip. We have an arrangement with curs, and says a bit more about the Im- 11. Going off the art of impressions (8) Eurasia (8) won’t, I have lectures till 6). Sport edi- them to share facilities, training ses- perial sessions: “ The guys and the girls 12. Succumbs to the Spanish oil (6) 5. Draw attention to Newton (4) tor gripes aside, I am pleased to pres- sions and coaches. At the moment, train together, we always end up with 13. Provide an interior for vehicle with 6. Having squandered wealth, they bury ent this week’s interviewees: the lovely three of our members play with them in a match and a drink afterwards at the yearly record (8) head in the sand? (9) Annabelle Mayers, handball women’s the top fl ight of english handball. The union, so there’s a very social side to 15. Black eye from sparkler (6) 7. Short statement: “Felix readers captain, and the dashing Stefan Bauer – women’s team was set up last year, and the club. 17. Round girl is reddish brunette (6) heading straight for puzzles section, goalkeeper extraordinaire and a found- this year they play in the EH develop- While we’re on the subject, I ask if 18. Gathering of Christians plot perhaps” (7,7) ing member of the club. As we sit down ment league, as do the men.” But this (despite the small size of the club) they genocide (8) 8. Insect left queen with deciduous in 568 over a pint I get cracking staright means that Annabelle is the fi rst ever go on any tours or trips together. As a 20. Reveal behind again? (6) growth (6) away: if he is a founding member, how women’s captain? “That’s right!” she matter of fact, there is a handball tradi- 21. One accountant wished to back the 14. Double bag (one inside the other is he still here? rbeams. “First captain ever.” There it is, tion: a tournament every year organised interests of Imperial (8) with individual lining) heart for “The handball club was founded in people, a piece of history in the mak- by the french school Centrale Lyon. “It 24. Beer the aim with unpleasant final significant elderly birthday (9) 2007-08, in my fi rst year. Having been ing: the fi rst ever interview with the fi rst involves most of the French unis, and consequences (6,3) 16. Dishonourable gent, stuffed into into handball since I was 10, I got in- ever women’s handball captain. How it’s held for a lot of different sports, not 25. Pirate is blue (5) containers, falls (8) volved, and was on the committee that has their season been so far? “ We’ve just handball, every year” says Stefan. 26. Assassin with pointed, square nose 17. Cleanses doctor’s uniform (6) year! I have been heavily involved in actually won two matches so far, which “We got into it the club’s fi rst year be- (12) 19. Rebel, an erratic empowerer (7) the club ever since.” I turn to Anna- is pretty decent for a nascent team... cause a guy here had studied there pre- 22. Two round figures at nightclub (5) belle, asking how she got into handball, We notably beat Oxford by 5 goals this viously, and had an amazing time. It’s 23. Tolerate large, heavy mammal (4) and expecting an answer similar to Ste- year, having lost to them quite heavily become a handball ritual, where every fan’s. I’m in for a surprise: “it was actu- last year, so that’s a notable improve- march we will go down to Lyon by any ally an article written in Felix by Stefan ment”. means possible to eat, drink and play in my fi rst year that made me want to What about the men’s teams? Stefan handball!” sign up for it!” She explains further: takes the question. “There is always a What about results? Or is it just for With the Olympics just around the of the sport.” Annabelle agrees: “You “Stefan had done an article just before core of strong European and Scandi- fun? corner a major event in the handballing see it more and more in schools now, christmas, and I thought that handball navian students, many doing one-year “We’ve acually done better every world, what do they think of the state whereas when I was in school the only sounded like a cool thing to try out...a masters, who make up most of our fi rst year... Last year, the girls made the kno- of handball in England at the moment? sport I remember doing seriously was year later, and here I am.” I can’t help team, and who train and play with Ruis- cout stages in our fi rst year there – but Stefan smiles at the mention of the netball. The Olympics will help it too, but smile at this: as Sport editor, this is lip. The Eagles are currently top of the the guys didn’t” says Annabelle. “It was Olympics: “ I’m actually volunteer- with a number of handball venues being the kind of story that makes it all worth- EH fi rst division, and the Imperial team pretty satisfying. ing for the handball event, I should be left as part of the legacy” while. is third in the development league.” “It’s a big competition, amd the level helping out with some of the teams Stefan concludes by hoping that more I ask Stefan how he has seen the club Having people play for the top team in is prettty high, given that it’s in France” this summer. I was supposed to assist home-grown players will mean more evolve since its inception. He knows the league is pretty impressive, I think. Stefan counters. “This year, we’re send- the German team, but in the end they university participation. “As the club its history on his fi ngertips. “In the How often do they train? ing a full girl’s team and two men’s didn’t qualify! Handball is growing grows, we can hopefully improve and fi rst couple of years, we played mainly “There is one session at Ethos every teams, and hopefully the guys can make here, though, and England Handball get the Imperial teams up into the fi rst friendlies with a mixed team, and had week”, continues Stefan, and we can the semis”. is really pushing for the development division”. Good luck, guys! SPORTISSUE 1509 03.02.12

Charlotte Levin Touché: Fencers win Premiership(s)

IC confi rm reigning champion status at Ethos in weekend tournament Indy Leclercq reports

he mantle of success is the second year running. winning convincingly against Oxford, of the team at ease. The foil continued team. Unfortunately, the schedule meant never an easy thing to bear, The women were on a string of vic- Cambridge and UCL. The day ended in this vein, beating their opponents by that Imperial had a long break between especially so in sport. Suc- tories, as yet unbeaten this season. The with the girls having assured victory in more than ten hits (where they had lost matches, and this had them feeling quite cess breeds expectation, fi rst premiership tournament weekend, one match (before having fenced the on the previous occasion). It fell to the lethargic when the time came to take up which translates into pres- which saw all the home matches of the epee) and needing an easily-achievable epeeists to fi nalise the victory, which arms again. sureT – exactly the sort of thing you don’t season played in one go, ended with IC amount of points to win the others. they did in style. Final score: 120-108. The match got underway with sabre, want when you’re trying to reproduce ladies on top and raring for more.For Things were looking up, and it all almost A fi rst win soothed the men’s nerves, as before, and the sabreurs did not dis- past exploits. captain Charlotte Levin and her team, seemed too easy. which was necessary for the match to appoint, pulling off a resoundingg vic- On the weekend of the 20th of January, it should have been plain sailing – and The men’s team, however, was hav- come: a showdown with the league lead- tory to leave Imperial twenty-nine points the Imperial men’s and women’s team for the most part, it was. Beginning the ing a rather more trying time of it. Their ers Oxford. Having drawn, and lost on clear. The foil was more of an uphill took all this in their stride while attempt- weekend by fencing foil and sabre on fi rst match against Cambridge got off weapons, to the Dark Blues at the pre- struggle, with both good and bad perfor- ing to defend their Southern Premiership the saturday, the girls breezed through; to a good start, with a (somewhat ex- vious premiership weekend, the guys mances from the team. In the end, they crowns, and come top of the league for thoroughly destroying Queen Mary and pected) win in the sabre, putting the rest had a bone to pick with the Oxford ...Continued on Page 45 SCIENCE TELEVISION FILM FOOD BOOKS

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