The 007Th Minute Ebook Edition
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“What a load of crap. Next time, mate, keep your drug tripping private.” JACQUES A person on Facebook. STEWART “What utter drivel” Another person on Facebook. “I may be in the minority here, but I find these editorial pieces to be completely unreadable garbage.” Guess where that one came from. “No, you’re not. Honestly, I think of this the same Bond thinks of his obituary by M.” Chap above’s made a chum. This might be what Facebook is for. That’s rather lovely. Isn’t the internet super? “I don’t get it either and I don’t have the guts to say it because I fear their rhetoric or they’d might just ignore me. After reading one of these I feel like I’ve walked in on a Specter round table meeting of which I do not belong. I suppose I’m less a Bond fan because I haven’t read all the novels. I just figured these were for the fans who’ve read all the novels including the continuation ones, fan’s of literary Bond instead of the films. They leave me wondering if I can even read or if I even have a grasp of the language itself.” No comment. This ebook is not for sale but only available as a free download at Commanderbond.net. If you downloaded this ebook and want to give something in return, please make a donation to UNICEF, or any other cause of your personal choice. BOOK Trespassers will be masticated. Fnarr. BOOK a commanderbond.net ebook COMMANDERBOND.NET BROUGHT TO YOU BY COMMANDERBOND.NET a commanderbond.net book Jacques I. M. Stewart Unburdened with any desire to rewatch all of the Bond The 007th Minute – films in the run up to the 50th anniversary, a brief and violent series of reviews / Jacques Stewart genuinely couldn't be bothered petty abuse and juvenile sexual idiom with all that effort, he thought it would be churlish not to with 24 Illustrations by Heiko Baumann at least recognise it all in some way so plumped on just watching a minute of each one, the 00-seventh minute of each. A Commanderbond.net ebook He steeled himself to his brave endeavour (watching 24 minutes of film – he deserves a medal) and what you get is this brief and First published as an ebook December 2013 violent series of reviews / petty abuse and juvenile sexual idiom. “The 007th Minute of Never Say Never Again”, a parody, fiction and opinion piece by Jacques Stewart, is first published here. The other content was published as a series of parody, Some of what is to come may be outrageous fiction and opinion pieces by Jacques Stewart on the James Bond fan site Commanderbond. net between August 2012 and November 2013. The only fact asserted is that these parody and lies but following the lead of the fiction pieces represent the opinions of Jacques Stewart. It is presented in ebook form for the purpose of reading convenience only, for which the original text was revised and adapted. great green vegetable himself, he can Cover design, illustrations, layout and typesetting by Heiko Baumann cover that up © 2013 Commanderbond.net / Jacques Stewart / Heiko Baumann by asserting that this isn’t science This ebook is not for sale but only available as a free download at Commanderbond.net. fiction, it’s If you downloaded the ebook and want to give something in return, please make a donation to UNICEF (details can be found on our website), or any other cause of your personal choice. science fact! Dr. No © 1962 Danjaq S.A. & United Artists Corporation. | From Russia With Love © 1963 Danjaq S.A. & United Artists Corporation. | Goldfinger © 1964 Danjaq S.A. & United Artists Corporation. | Thunderball © 1965 Danjaq S.A. & United Artists Corporation. | You Only Live Twice © 1967 Danjaq S.A. & United Artists Corpora- tion. | On Her Majesty’s Secret Service © 1969 Danjaq S.A. & United Artists Corporation. | Diamonds are For- ever © 1971 Danjaq S.A. & United Artists Corporation. | Live and Let Die © 1973 Danjaq S.A. & United Artists Corporation. | The Man With The Golden Gun © 1974 Danjaq S.A. & United Artists Corporation. | The Spy Who Loved Me © 1977 Danjaq S.A. & United Artists Corporation. | Moonraker © 1979 Danjaq S.A. & United Artists Corporation. | For Your Eyes Only © 1981 Danjaq S.A. & United Artists Corporation. | Octopussy © 1983 Dan- jaq S.A. & MGM / United Artists Pictures. | Never Say Never Again © 1983 Warner Brothers Pictures & Taliafilm Enterprises. | A View to a Kill © 1985 Danjaq S.A. & MGM / United Artists Pictures. | The Living Daylights © 1987 Danjaq S.A. & MGM / United Artists Pictures. | Licence to Kill © 1989 Danjaq S.A. & United Artists Pictures Limited. | GoldenEye © 1995 Danjaq LLC. & United Artists Pictures. An MGM Company. | Tomorrow Never Dies © 1997 Danjaq LLC. & United Artists Pictures. An MGM Company. | The World is Not Enough © 1999 Danjaq LLC. & Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM). | Die Another Day © 2002 Danjaq LLC. & Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM). | Casino Royale © 2006 Danjaq LLC. & Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM). | Quantum of Solace © 2008 Danjaq LLC. & Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM). | Skyfall © 2012 Danjaq LLC. & Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM). | James Bond 007 is a registered trademark of MGM Inc. A division of the United Artists Corporation and EON Productions Limited. All rights reserved. Unburdened with any desire to rewatch all of the Bond films in the run up to the 50th anniversary, Jacques Stewart genuinely couldn't be bothered with all that effort, he thought it would be churlish not to at least recognise it all in some way so plumped on just watching a minute of each one, the 00-seventh minute of each. He steeled himself to his brave endeavour (watching 24 minutes of film – he deserves a medal) and what you get is this brief and violent series of reviews / petty abuse and juvenile sexual idiom. Some of what is to come may be outrageous lies but following the lead of the great green vegetable himself, he can cover that up by asserting that this isn’t science fiction, it’s science fact! The Science Facts of this book 1 Dr No . 8 2 From Russia With Love . 22 3 Goldfinger . 34 4 Thunderball . 50 5 You Only Live Twice . 66 6 On Her Majesty’s Secret Service . 82 7 Diamonds are Forever . 98 8 Live and Let Die . 116 9 The Man with the Golden Gun . 138 10 The Spy Who Loved Me . 158 11 Moonraker . 182 12 For Your Eyes Only . 206 13 Octopussy . 230 Intermisssion: Never Say Never Again . 244 14 A View to a Kill . 266 15 The Living Daylights . 288 16 Licence to Kill . 310 17 GoldenEye . 326 18 Tomorrow Never Dies . 346 19 The World is Not Enough . 364 20 Die Another Day . 384 21 Casino Royale . 412 22 Quantum of Solace . 434 23 Skyfall . 456 Click on the tip of the wedge in the opening illustrations to go back to this table of contents What happens next sometimes happens in the summer, sometimes in winter. About three years since the last one. I think. After so many, it’s hard to keep count. The theatre is quiet; expectant. Doubtless an infant will start shrieking very shortly. That’ll just ruin everything. I’m not entirely sure why I’m here. Why I need to be. There are more pleasant things to watch. It’s probably out of duty. I’ve been here before; far too often for it to be a novelty. Roar! Ru-ROOOOAAAAARrrRRRrrRR Dots ping their way across the screen. Bur-Bh-BM! Bur-Bh-BM! Here we go again, then. It’s likely to end up annoyingly disappointing and initial joy will wither to contempt. … But then I’m not the one actually giving birth, am I? DR NO Science Fact! #1 If you were to lay end-to-end every VHS copy of Dr No ever sold in the United States, you’d be a idiot. Something puzzles me. Let’s say that the latest James Bond film is coldheartedly lum- bering into view, ready to empty our minds and wallets, a child- hood-catcher, pretending it offers sweet novelty. Helping it along, outlets accountable to common shareholders, the press and televi- sion emit cast interviews that brilliantly eke out whatever it is the publicists have cattleprodded this one’s bolus of overpaid puppets into bleating. 9 The 007th Minute Amidst the usual feculence about “We wanted to explore Bond’s inner life” – regardless of whether anyone asked them to – or “This Bond girl’s a really different Bond girl: she’s half carrot”, a common question seems to be “Have you actually seen all of them?”, with an affirmative answer being newsworthy. “N has even seen all the Bond films”. Is gawping at readily available mass-market mild-to-mildewed thrills really any sort of challenge? Yes. To the patience. Unburdened with desire to rewatch all of the Bond films to mark their 50th anniversary, genuinely could not be bothered with the ef- fort, having been a “Bond fan” for eons – yeah, pun – I thought it would be churlish not to at least have recognised it in some way. Me done plumped on just watching a minute of each, the 007th minute to be precise (do you see what I did there? You must have. You read it. Poor you). Fearing that observing the clock on the DVDmophone tick over between 0.06.00 to 0.07.00 would prove more engaging than the onscreen content, I steeled myself to my brave endeavour (watch- ing 24 minutes of film – medal, now) and what you get in this petty abuse and juvenile sexual idiom is what I done thought of what I done saw.