The Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947 Light at the end of the Easter tunnel: the best of the summer festivals BEN JONES Report states black students underperform

commented this “would have Rachel Cooper been a more revealing and open way of tackling the issue”. A REPORT has revealed that Livingston added the report Cambridge students of Black “didn’t seem to tackle the issue Caribbean, Bangladeshi or and its end recommendations Pakistani origin are “much less seem weak”. likely” to get a First or 2:1, but The small size of the sample student representatives have has also been criticised: only condemned the report, saying 133 students were identified as that it “fails to tackle the issue”. belonging to ethnic minority Researchers from the groups being studied and only Education Faculty discovered 79 completed a questionnaire. that only 60 per cent of In-depth interviews were students of Black Caribbean, carried out with 50 students. Bangladeshi or Pakistani origin Duncan McCallum, Deputy will gain a First or 2:1 compared Academic Secretary said “the to 74.5 per cent of White, size of the sample did not Chinese and Indian students. constrain the research particu- The number of Black larly,” adding that the response Caribbean, Bangladeshi and rate was relatively good. Flanked by her two sons, Alethea Foster enters court to hear charges of the attempted murder of Lucy Cavendish’s Julie Simpson Pakistani students being award- The Black Students’ ed 2:2s or Thirds is 20 per cent Campaign now intends to carry higher than for other groups of out its own survey in order to students. raise more solutions and The University’s Council and recommendations; Olatunde General Board welcomed the said she hoped it would gener- Lucy Cav trial begins findings of the research as ate “more accurate responses”. “generally positive” but Temi The report stressed “ethnicity Olatunde, Chair of CUSU’s itself is not a factor determining Alethea Foster denies attempted murder of student Black Students’ Campaign, has academic performance at voiced concerns about the Cambridge”, stating social and Simpson requesting to meet her to discuss report’s angle and scope, saying financial factors play a greater Raj Bavishi the situation. Before leaving her home in it focused “too much on the part. Bromley, Kent, Mrs Foster placed a kitchen background and external Of those students who said A 61 YEAR-OLD MOTHER of two is on trial knife in her purse. factors that may account for they worry a lot about money, at Cambridge Crown Court, accused of the In a police interview after the incident, undergraduate achievement only 51 per cent got a first or attempted murder of a Politics and History she claimed, “I thought if I talked to her and amongst the specified ethnic 2:1 compared with 89 per cent student at Lucy Cavendish College. could not see a solution I would just kill minority groups”. of those who said they ‘do The jury has heard how Alethea Foster, a myself there and then, because I would not Both Olatunde and Drew not worry about their retired clinical podiatrist, repeatedly stabbed care about anything again. I didn’t want to Livingston, CUSU financial situation’. Julie Simpson, 44, in the face, eye, back and The knife used by Foster to stab Simpson live without John.” Academic Affairs The report also discov- arms with a kitchen knife in Simpson’s But the final entry in Mrs Foster’s diary, Officer, ered that those from room, having learnt of Ms Simpson’s 16 numerous occasions before the two became dated October 3, contained no mention of condemned ethnic minorities were year affair with her husband, John Foster. lovers at the end of 1989. this claim, merely saying, “Now it’s 12.35 the report for more likely to rate One blow, to Ms Simpson’s right eye, led Mrs Foster learnt of her husband’s affair and I’m on the Cambridge Cruiser. I’m failing to ‘extrinsic’ motiva- to blindness and another, to her back, after he failed to shut down his Hotmail seeing her today.I feel very ill and confused directly ask tion as one of the collapsed her lung. Wearing sunglasses, Ms account in April 2005. In an email, he and very upset.” students how main reasons for Simpson told the court, “I thought I was bemoaned to Ms Simpson, “My denials that Ms Simpson told the court she met Mrs they felt their entering higher probably going to die in the corridor.” we had or are having a sexual relationship Foster at the Porters’ Lodge and took her to ethnicity education and The jury heard that Simpson and Mr are not believed.” her room. Mrs Foster asked her whether she affected their applying to Foster first met in 1985, both working for Subsequent investigation confirmed Mrs and her husband were still sleeping togeth- academic Cambridge, the BBC. They became close, with Ms Foster’s fears that the two had been lovers. er. Ms Simpson claimed she replied, “I don’t performance. >>continued Simpson visiting the Foster family house on On October 3, Mrs Foster contacted Ms >>continued on page 2 Olatunde on page 2

No. 638, 28th April, 2006 www.varsity.co.uk

All Gone Googley Who ya gonna call? Your cheating hearts >> Vint Cerf is a self-proclaimed Cambridge Paranormal Read our guide and then definitely ignore it “founding father of the inter- Research Society hunt the net,” and now evangelises on county’s ghosts so you don’t it for Google. He defends have to. They show us their All about the Benjamin >> their Chinese censorship and ghost-hunting gear and The poetic Mr Zepheniah reveals all tells us why he wants to meet explain why the ghosts more Cambridge CompScis. disappear when the tape starts rolling. Water under the bridge >> page 9 >> pages 10 & 11 Light Blues lose out again in Boat Race >> 2 Varsity News 28.04.06

Bike theft halved Bike crime reported in JCAP findings continued Essays come at a price Cambridge has more than halved since police launched a >>continued from page 1 “the nature of the interviews findings but Livingston crackdown last year. Around meaning they choose their were felt appropriate, given the expressed concern that he had five bikes are now reported degree subjects on the basis of Project’s Terms of Reference”, “not heard any plans on how to stolen in the city every week, parental influence and benefits adding that it might possibly take it [the report] forward” but compared to a rate of 12 per of a degree for their career. The have been beneficial to explore he added that the “senior tutors week at the end of September report’s authors concluded that staff ethnicity but said that if are usually quite helpful”. He last year. Police have a close this could result in students this had been an issue, “the stressed that the university working relationship with taking the ‘wrong’ subject students would have made this “can’t be allowed to forget it”, cycle shops and a new link which could have a detrimen- clear in interviews”. adding that he will continue to force website which posts tal impact on their academic The report made recommen- put pressure on University pictures of recovered bikes has performance. dations on how the academic committees to implement the received more than 10,000 Concerns about ‘fitting in’ performance of certain minori- report’s recommendations. hits in March. Detective socially could also have a ty ethnic groups could be In light of the report, CUSU Inspector Martin Brunning, negative impact on academic improved, stating additional are formulating their own who is leading the initiative performance; almost all funding options could be policy on how to improve the said, “We are delighted Muslim students questioned explored for those worst off, as experience of ethnic minority Philip Malamatinas, co-founder of Oxbridge Essays Operation Cyclone is having said the predominance of alco- well as ways of offering accom- students; on Wednesday, an impact in Cambridge and hol-based events made college modation outside of Term to Livingston tabled a motion to would be useful for students in we hope it stresses the social life difficult and cited the allow students to supplement a CUSU exec meeting stating Matilda James preparation for their Oxbridge message cycle crime is being lack of halal food in Colleges their term-time studies. that better provision should be application and interview”. investigated.” as a problem. The Senior Tutors’ made for social activities for ONE MONTH after Professor The cost of such a service is But, Olatunde criticised the Committee and Bursars’ students who do not drink Alan Grafen, Oxford’s Senior substantial – an undergraduate AIDS day of action nature of the report, claiming Committee are considering the alcohol. Proctor, admitted that plagia- 2500-word essay of guaranteed Today, as part of the nation- “questions asked in interviews rism was “rife” among the 2:1 standard for next morning al day of action in the fight focused almost entirely on undergraduate population, delivery costs £600, whilst a against AIDS, Cambridge students’ backgrounds, their students from Cambridge and First-class 10,000 word disser- University’Stop Aids Society’ upbringing and parental back- Oxford Universities are being tation draft is £2000. Oxbridge are stepping up their ground”. She added it urged to sign up as writers of Essays defends its prices, argu- campaign agaisnt unscrupu- “seemingly tailored responses ‘bespoke’ essays for students at ing, “if you are willing to pay a lous pharmaceutical to come up with a conclusion other universities. considerable sum for such a companies. There will be a that socio-economic and finan- Birmingham-based company service…then surely it makes stall in Market Square where cial factors were responsible”. Oxbridge Essays, marketing sense to pay a little extra to students can add their signa- She condemned the report itself as “the world’s first guarantee that your work will tures to a letter asking for making “very little attempt” vendor of luxury and custom- be researched and written by companies to supply drugs to explore “internal factors inte- made essays”, has been the very best writers there are”. to those in greatest need. gral to the system of Cambridge running a leaflet campaign Whilst the website emphasis- Will Horwit, President of the such as the lack of personnel across the two cities claiming es that the essays it provides are society, said, “The more such as fellows, lecturers or that Oxbridge students can “for research uses only” and signatures we get, the more even porters who act as repre- earn up to £1000 a week as “intended to be used by their impact our campaign will sentatives from the ethnic writers of commissioned clients as inspiration for their minority groups”. essays. The company, estab- own work”, it admits that if have. We urge everyone to Temi Olatunde, Chair of the Black Students’ Campaign do their bit.” McCallum responded that lished by brothers Philip and anyone were to hand in the James Malamatinas, students work as their own, it is unlike- at Birmingham University and ly that the deception would be CUR1350’s bid for King’s College London, claims discovered. Company policy FM licence turned Lucy Cav trial continued to counter the “lottery” that states that the commissioned down >>continued from page 1 feels”. When asked by the judge taunted Ms Simpson “like a cat students face when buying essays will not be republished , Cambridge’s student radio want to answer that, I’d rather in what way she said “Yes”, Ms playing with a mouse” after she essays online from unregulated with clients’ details held in station, CUR1350 has had talk about where to go from Simpson simply said, had knifed her 17 times. coursework sites. complete confidence. its application for an FM here.” She told the jury, “I told “triumphant. She looked really Ms Simpson was taken to Instead of purchasing essays With the high financial licence turned down. [Foster] I thought she had a pleased with herself. I would Addenbrooke’s and underwent which could have been written rewards, it is perhaps unsur- OFCOM, radio’s superviso- good marriage.” say she was gleeful, really.” surgery for her injuries, whilst by “a student in some obscure prising that the scheme is ry body, turned down the She added that she had said Ms Simpson recounted how Mrs Foster was arrested and corner of America”, the compa- proving popular with students application due to the small “the most exciting things we do how she held up her arms to taken to Parkside police station., ny’s website promises to give at both universities, despite the numbers of the station's now are occasional meals, the defend herself before fighting where she told officers she clients essays, model exam angry response that the compa- target audience. Joe odd gin and tonic and arguing her way past her attacker. never intended to harm her answers or full dissertation ny has prompted from Braidwood, Head of over the Telegraph Crossword.” “When I got into the hallway, husband’s mistress and did not drafts, at undergraduate, academics. A spokesperson for Publicity for the station, She told the jury, “[Foster] I shouted for someone to call remember what had happened. Masters or PhD level, written Cambridge University said “We said “essentially OFCOM said ‘I need to get something the porters. She followed me She said “when you ask me by “experts…in the top 0.01% would strongly disapprove of assessed it on target audi- from my bag’ and lent forward. into the corridor.I was tired and what happened, I can’t tell of all university students in present or former students ence numbers, which Then, she suddenly jumped out thought I was going to die in you.” When asked by officers Britain and the world”. writing essays for other people worked against us.”But of her chair and hit me here the corridor. why she had bought a return The company also offers or using essays written by Braidwood stated the [pointing to her solar plexus]. She added, “the last time I rail ticket if she had planned on services for A-level students others. station’s intention to reap- She then withdrew about a saw her was when she was killing herself, she replied, “I and potential Oxbridge appli- Not only is it cheating, or ply, explaining that the foot and that was when I saw standing over me, watching me hadn’t thought about it”. Mrs cants, with its ‘Oxbridge Gold complicit with cheating, but it station was planning “excit- the knife in her hand.” She bleed, and, I believe, waiting for Foster denies attempted murder Candidate Service’ offering to goes against the entire purpose ing developments”.This alleged that she then said me to die.” and the alternative charge of produce “model examples of of a university education, term, CUR1350 is launch- “Jesus, Ally” to which Mrs Student Nina Rzechorzek causing grievous bodily harm application essays, application which is to develop one’s own ing a new competition Foster replied, “Yes! See how it told the court how Mrs Foster with intent. The trial continues. forms and any other work that ideas and skills.” entitled ‘X Marks the Spot’. Dubbed by the station as ‘Cambridge’s biggest cash >>page 13 quest’, the new competi- Sleep, eat and buy yourself a new CD tion will involve cryptic Jonny clues being given on-air as Queens’ Welfare Officer advises on how to cope with exam stress to where the £150 cash Ensall prize might be hidden. Exams are a necessary evil you stop work at least an 6) Keep revision interesting. confidence about what will be Clues will continue to be and although most of this hour before going to bed. Vary the ways in which you required of you on the day. On given daily until the cash is information might have been 3) You always have time to revise, try making concise 8) Work somewhere that discovered. preached to you since GCSEs, eat and your brain needs notes, use colour, practice suits you. There is plenty of wheeling these tips can help you energy to operate. Schedule questions, test yourself, or desk space available so find minimise stress: enough time in for three revise out loud. Find out somewhere you feel and dealing 1) Plan your time effective- decent meals a day and try to what works for you and comfortable and that is free ly. Work out how many days make sure you get at least five don’t be afraid to try new of distractions. Listen there are till your exams portions of fruit or veg to techniques. Different meth- 9) If you start finding things start, how much you realis- keep yourself healthy. ods of learning help really difficult this term, don’t tically plan to do each day 4) Exercise helps improve information stick in different bottle it all up inside. Don’t be You can hear and what there is to cover. concentration and can reduce ways, so mix it up. afraid to talk to friends or Varsity on the Allow time for meals, sleep, stress levels. Whether it be a 7) Get hold of past exam family about how you are radio, on lectures, supervisions, fun jog, do try and keep active papers and practice answer- feeling, and there is a lot of and some flexibility. during exam term. ing questions under exam support available Mondays at 2) Aim for at least seven to 5) Do at least one thing you conditions. This will help to 10) Believe in yourself. 7pm eight hours sleep a night in enjoy each day. Find time to familiarise you with the exam Remember, you did not get in order to be able to work effec- do things you like maybe format, planning and struc- here by fluke- you are capa- CUR 1350 tively. If you are having coffee with friends or buying turing answers under time ble of succeeding in your trouble sleeping make sure yourself a new CD. pressure and give you more exams, so good luck! our policy

VARSITY IS DEDICATED TO BRINGING YOU The THE MOST RELEVANT AND INTRIGUING NEWS AS AND WHEN IT HAPPENS. Week in THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN OUR CONTENT ARE THOSE OF THE INDIVIDUAL CONTRIBU- Weather TORS, AND NOT NECESSARILY OF VARSITY FRI SAT SUN MON TUE WED THUR PUBLICATIONS LIMITED. 28.04.06 News Varsity 3 Lessons in how to be happy at top school Cambridge doc teaches Wellington College teens the art of positive thinking

week, where they learn the skill of avoid or minimise these emotions. whether a school “is turning out Baylis too is adament on the posi- Rebecca Greig being happy alongside the more The aim is for pupils to learn more resentful and ill-balanced young tive effects of staying, positive. familiar subjects of sex and drugs about themselves which will be adults, or whether it is helping to “It’s not that there’s a right way that are taught in personal, social information that “they will be able produce men and women who are to live, or some sure-fire formula A psychologist at Cambridge has and health education lessons. to use for the rest of their lives”. The happy and who know themselves for success, it’s just that some partic- devised happiness lessons for a lead- Classes will offer skills on how to long-term effects of such lessons are and what they want to do in life”. ular approaches, skills and ing boarding school. Dr Nick Baylis, manage relationships, physical and emphasised by Dr Baylis who But Seldon is not averse to experiences do undoubtedly a lecturer in positive psychology mental health, negative emotions describes positive psychology as admitting that alongside increase the likelihood of and well-being at Cambridge since and how to achieve one’s ambi- “the scientific pursuit of the most the intrinsic benefits of things working out 2001, has developed the lessons in tions. Wellbeing refers to any promising routes to a happy, being content, happy rather well”. collaboration with Wellington positive and sustainable state in healthy, and accomplished life”. lessons will create In a country College in Crowthorne, Berks. which people thrive and flourish, Baylis believes that it is a benefit not happy children where Headmaster, Anthony Seldon, and the new subject not only only to individuals but also to the who he contends increases who joined Wellington this year, encompasses positive thinking but larger communities in which we are likely to in said “helping to produce happy goes well beyond it to study the live and work. perform better income young adults when they leave the physical, social and Seldon’s interest in the project in exams. and school at 18 is my highest priority environmental looks beyond good grades and He has materi- as head”. sources of happi- league tables, as he says he has seen hopes that al It was when Seldon came across ness.The lessons “far too many tortured and unhap- within five posse- Nick Baylis, who wrote a successful will enable py pupils who have achieved four years “all sions have column in the Times on “The students to learn or five A grades at A-level.” He schools… not been Science of Happiness” that he more about what declaims the British system which [will] begin matched realised his ambition wasn’t “just an it is that causes so reveres the league table, which to teach by commen- airy-fairy aspiration” but an actual them pain and and says nothing about the quality of positive surable possibility. “I have been very how they the teaching or the intake and psychology increases in the impressed that Cambridge might provides no information on and happiness”. levels of satis- University is taking happiness faction, Baylis’ and positive psychology so words and seriously and that at Seldon’s actions Harvard University it is the might just show most popular course, so people that you clearly intelligent people can’t buy happiness, see we have something but you can learn it. to learn here.” Wellington is to become a pilot school in a long- term study undertaken by Dr Baylis and his Cambridge team. From September pupils aged 14 to 16 will have one lesson a From left to right: Dr. Nick Baylis, Cambridge psychologist; Wellington College, where pupils are to be taught happiness; Wellington’s head, Dr. Anthony Seldon CUSU at bloggerheads Fitz vase-breaker arrested buy the Cambridge nightclub gation represented 1400 Jamie Munk Po Na Na whilst attending the Cambridge students at the Joe Gosden conference as evidence of his conference, Bard-Rosenberg lack of dedication. “It’s not like feels that it is important to CUSU ACADEMIC Affairs he had his mind switched off communicate issues such as NICHOLAS FLYNN, the 42 Officer-elect Dave Ewings has while we were in Blackpool”, Ewings’ alleged lax attitude. year old whose “unfortunate been heavily criticised by a he told Varsity. Ewings was critical of Bard- slip” destroyed three rare fellow CUSU Executive He concluded his blog by Rosenberg’s approach - “I’d Quing dynasty vases at the member for his conduct as a expressing “It honestly makes have preferred it if he’d come Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge delegate at the me sad (and extremely and said it to my face at the January, was arrested over NUS Conference at that end of worried) that we elected him time”. He admitted that he did Easter on suspicion of crim- March. Ewings was lambasted to such an important and not attend every discussion or inal damage. for missing key debates and crucial position in CUSU for election, but noted “I was Cambridgeshire police elections, while devoting his next year”. there for all the major said that he was also arresed time to buying the Cambridge One delegate did confirm debates”. in connection with an nightclub Po Na Na. that Ewings did not spend He was forthcoming about alleged assault in a shop on The accusations were posted much time on the conference his absences from the confer- King’s Parade in February. earlier this month on Jacob floor and did not attend many ence floor. He admitted to Flynn had to be forcibly Bard-Rosenberg’s web log of the votes. missing the final day of the removed from the museum “500 eclectic words a day”. Drew Livingston, present three day event. He explained on 29 March after trying to under the heading “Some brief Academic Affairs Officer, did how “I had to go to the van to gain entry to the press reflections on NUS confer- not wish to comment on the wait for the AA” as both van conference where the ence”, Bard-Rosenberg extent of Ewings’ participation needed repairs before the dele- reconstruction of the vases proceeded to accuse Ewings of at the Conference. But he did gation returned from was being announced. “the most sickening display in stress the importance of NUS Blackpool. He expressed frus- Flynn, who claimed that he conference”. He recorded that conference for the sabbatical tration at the fact that “a lot of had come along “to check Ewings “spent very little time post and believes that “it’s time was taken up talking that there were no hard on conference floor, missed all really important to be involved about structures”, adding “I’m feelings”, is not formally the of the elections, and only with what’s going on national- for getting on and doing stuff”. banned from the museum, engaged in a single debate.” ly, from the AUT strike to the He conceded that he had but director Duncan Roberts Bard-Rosenberg saw the fact National Student Survey”. spent some of the time said that it was felt Flynn’s Penny Bendall undertaking the long, painstaking restoration that Ewings was negotiating to As each member of the dele- engaged in other pursuits presence would have been

E OE IK MANN VICKI / JONES BEN during the conference, going “somewhat inappropriate” worked extensively on other photographed and docu- out both nights with the at the event. such porcelain collections mented for three days before Cambridge delegation as well Flynn maintains “with my around the world. Bendall being removed to the as being engaged in discus- hand on my heart” that said that she could see Bendall Ceramic workshops sions over buying the Jesus breaking the vases was a “foresee no major problems” in Suffolk. Lane nightclub, Po Na Na. The “mistake” caused by tripping with the reconstruction and A spokesperson for the idea of purchasing the club over his untied shoelaces. was “looking forward enor- museum told Varsity that the “has been on the back-burner He added, “I don’t think a mously to getting to work” restoration of one of the for a while”, he told Varsity. He movie stuntman would have on the project. vases was “nearly spent a few hours away from been able to tumble down- After the incident, during complete”, and said it was the conference floor on the stairs, destroy the vases and which 13 stone Flynn hoped to have them back on phone about the venture, but come out unscathed”. managed to spread shards of display as part of a conser- “it didn’t work out as a deal”. The restoration of the pottery over “no less than 28 vation exhibition to be He asked that he not be vases is being undertaken by steps” of the museum’s launched in July. Flynn has dismissed before he had even world porcelain expert imposing marble staircase, been bailed until June 28 taken up his sabbatical post, Penny Bendall, who holds a the position of each of the when he will appear before Po Na Na (left), Laura Walsh and Dave Ewings at NUS (right) appealing “give us a chance”. Royal Warrant and has fragments was carefully Cambridge magistrates. 4 Varsity News 28.04.06

On Campus Vice-Chancellor Richard sees red in China history of benefaction at Cambridge Wordfest Amelia Worsley Cambridge, the campaign Registrary’s 500th aims to mobilise still greater... birthday Literary stars descended on support from alumni and One of the longest-held Cambridge last weekend for CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY'S friends worldwide." offices in UK higher educa- the annual Wordfest, the city’s treatment of international But guest speaker Mr Lee tion has celebrated its literary festival. Now in its students was the subject of an criticised the University's 500th birthday. The office fourth year, the festival provid- embarrassing attack by a fundraising methods. He of Registrary of the ed a packed weekend of former Prime Minister of described how a Singaporean University of Cambridge workshops, seminars, panel Singapore at a gala event in student had complained that dates back to 1506 and the events and readings. The poet Hong Kong this month. Vice- after leaving, the only title is unique to Carol Ann Duffy launched the Chancellor Alison Richard, communications she received Cambridge. The Registrary festival and authors attending who had to sit through the from the University were is the senior administrative included Richard E Grant, scathing diatribe from Lee demands for donations. "It is officer of the University and Sandi Toksvig, Kate Adie and Kuan Kew, admitted that really off-putting if the only manages the non-academic Lionel Shriver. "there is room for change". communication an alumnus business of the University. Mr Lee, Singapore's first gets is a begging letter," he The present Registrary is Dr Trinity college loss Prime Minister and a gradu- said. Timothy Mead, who ate of Cambridge, recounted Mr Lee urged Cambridge to manages an annual budget Dr Raj Chandavarkar, SPS DoS the negative experiences of a follow the example of US of approximately £27 at Trinity College and lecturer Singaporean student who universities such as Yale, million and is responsible in Indian history and politics said she felt “invisible” during Harvard and the Cambridge Vice-Chancellor Professor Alison Richard for over 750 staff. He is died unexpectedly on April 23. her time at Cambridge. Massachusetts Institute of only the twenty-fifth The History Faculty has with- The criticism came during a Technology, representatives of next to Mr Lee at the dinner, International Alliance of Registary since the creation drawn its special subject papers dinner held to celebrate the which were also present at admitted to other alumni at Research Universities of the post. taught by Dr Chandavarkar on University’s 800th-anniver- the event. He compared the the meeting. "I know we (IARU). Together they will Gandhi’s politics 1930-48 and sary £1 billion fundraising offer letter that another must do better at our undertake research projects CUSU Welfare the history of the Indian sub- drive. Singaporean student had communications with you." and collaborate in order to elections open continent from the late The 800th campaign website received from Cambridge that But she stressed that she did attract talent and funding. eighteenth century to the pres- stresses its intention to tersely detailed conditions of not see Cambridge could ever "The seriousness of the Nominations are now open ent day. A Trinity spokesman promote international links entry with the praise given by follow the American example. commitment around the for CUSU Welfare positions said “He was a valued member as part of its fundraising US universities in their offer "I can't imagine Cambridge table was palpable. People that were not filled in the of the teaching staff and will be efforts, claiming that "the letters. He urged the universi- ever writing letters like the really did become engaged recent elections. Positions greatly missed be fellows, success of the 800th ty to help students feel a ones we heard [from US with one another. We are a available include the full- junior members and staff”. Campaign is key to securing greater sense of belonging admissions offices]", she said. team now and it would be time paid sabbatical Cambridge's future in the top and to communicate better The universities were gath- embarrassing to let the side position of Welfare and Autism research rank of universities world- with alumni. ered together in Singapore to down," Professor Richard Graduates Officer; and the wide. Building on a long Professor Richard, who sat launch the 10-member said. part-time positions of Cambridge’s Autism Research Welfare Awareness Officer Centre will receive almost and Mental Health Officer. £500,000 in funding to investi- Nominations close on gate whether earlier Tuesday 2 May at 12 noon identification and treatment Punting giant buys out local rival and voting will be held on improves the prognosis of an MARLAND JAMIE Tuesday 9 May in colleges autistic child. The study will Sarah O’Connor being bad for customers, Granta and Trinity Punts alongside elections for investigate the detection of Maseychik argued that the remaining as competitors. University Council, General autism in children aged 18 take-over was also bad for There are also a number of Board and the Graduate months compared to those CAMBRIDGE COMPANY workers; punting is seasonal independent chauffeurs who Union. diagnosed at 3 years. Scudamore’s has been accused work, but this summer there operate at different points of monopolising the punting won’t be as many jobs for along the river, including the trade, following its buy-out of punt-chauffeurs, predomi- Quayside. Scudamore’s are main rival Tyrrells which has nantly students, to come back trying to get Cambridge City ended fifty years of competi- to. Scudamore’s admitted that Council to crack down on Cross Campus tion between the two it will take on only the most these individuals, arguing companies. Known as the capable of Tyrrells staff. that they operate illegally. “warzone” by punt chauffeurs, Maseychik also alleged that Nick Maseychik believes this Drunk Oxford Boat York’s expansion the Quayside was the focus of Scudamore’s desire to cut attempt to be “the final piece Race captain plans opposed aggressive touting by both down on touting was motivat- of the puzzle”: part of a long- arrested Tyrrells and Scudamore’s, who, Punts moored at the quayside ed by profit rather than term strategy to “consolidate The University of York has during summer, put up to concern for customers. If a monopolistic position” Barney Williams, captain of decided to spend more than twenty touts onto the street to that it is “not our intention at workers don’t tout, they along the Cam. He and other Oxford’s victorious Boat Race £500 million on expanding its persuade passers-by to take a all” to raise prices in response cannot earn commission, independents are considering crew, was arrested and fined facilities. Expansion would punt-tour with them. to the drop in competition, earning a minimum wage. He bringing a case to the local for being drunk and disorder- allow the university to take Scudamore’s manager Alan pointing out that Scudamore’s even suggested that an inter- government ombudsman. ly on the night of the victory. on a third more students. The Dickinson explained that due prices this year are identical to nal strategy was to employ In response, Alan Dickinson, The captain and a friend were proposed new campus would to the six-figure buy-out, the the preceding one. more Eastern European immi- informed Varsity that inde- arrested in Oxford city centre include a joint arts and situation this summer should Nick Maseychik, ex-manag- grants who have lower wage pendents like Maseychik after people were spotted on science block, priced at £38m. improve. Without a main rival er of Tyrrells and now an expectations. operate unfairly, paying no CCTV acting in a disorderly at the site, Scudamore’s can independent punt chauffeur, Cambridge’s biggest punt overheads or taxes and taking way in the city centre. The Sussex VC criti- reduce the level of touting, calls this “horseshit”. “They’re company, Scudamore’s now cash-in-hand, whilst celebrations followed the cised which Dickinson hopes will canny, but in a few years of occupies six of the nine punt- Scudamore’s “is a legitimate Oxford team winning the Plans to axe chemistry at the make the area more pleasant to course they’re going to raise ing sites along the Cam, with company that subscribes to a 152nd Boat Race. Both men University of Sussex have walk through. He also stressed prices”, he said. As well as Cambridge Chauffeurs, tight Code of Conduct.” were released after spending been criticised by a House of several hours in the cells, and Commons committee. A Williams received a fixed draft report from the penalty fine of £80. committee reprimanded the Law dons force ‘dictatorship bill’ backdown university’s vice-chancellor, Alasdair Smith, for failing to and concluded that the bill to cut red tape and remove JONES BEN University lowered make any attempt to save Tom Parry-Jones “gives the government powers redundant regulation, but had pass mark to 26% the respected department. which are entirely dispropor- drawn flak from both opposi- Leicester’s De Montfort University management is tionate to its stated aims”. The tion parties for the threat that University students were also condemned for taking a SIX CAMBRIDGE Law profes- Committee stated that the it posed to the British legal given pass grades with exam “negative view” of declining sors have been instrumental government “must” amend system. marks as low as 26 per cent. student numbers rather than in forcing changes to the the bill to “ensure that … it Professor Spence had told Marks were raised for five building on the department’s government’s controversial provides adequate safeguards Varsity of his interpretation of modules of a pharmacy successes. Legislative and Regulatory against the misuse of order the reasons for the bill. course in 2004; in one, they Reform Bill. In a letter to The making powers it contains”. “Behind all this,” he said “are were raised by up to 14 OUCA disrepute Times on 16 February Prof. Parliamentary Secretary Blair’s political advisers percentage points. Staff had Oxford University John Spencer QC of Selwyn Jim Murphy MP noted worrying that the Prime been told that failure rates of Conservative Association College and his colleagues “concern about the order Minister can’t deliver on his 50 per cent could put their President-elect Charlie Steel argued that the bill would making power of the bill” and promises quickly enough jobs at risk. The following has run into problems in his allow the government to although he dismissed some of before the next election. His year, the Royal campaign to be elected to “curtail or abolish jury trial” as the criticisms as “hysterical” reduced majority means it’s a Pharmaceutical Society of local government in Oxford well as make other funda- he agreed to table the bind to pass the laws that he Great Britain placed De when a Cherwell investiga- mental changes to the law and proposed amendments. The would like to.” Professor John Spencer QC Montfort “on probation” after tion revealed that some of legal system whilst complete- key change to the bill is that The announcement comes investigating allegations of the signatures on his nomi- ly bypassing Parliament. the power of veto will be shortly after a letter from Lord ments to the bill were “marking irregularities”. This nation form may have Changes to the bill were given to the parliamentary Grocott to the Prime Minister welcomed by the year, it found “assessment slightly spurious origins. announced this week after the committees, substantially expressing his concerns that Conservatives as “a major procedures were appropri- This has raised concern that Commons Public reducing the government’s “by failing to consider further victory for freedom and parlia- ate.” The university said it OUCA may be pioneering a Administration Committee scope for forcing through change we are missing our last mentary democracy”, concerns had every confidence in its return to the good old days endorsed the criticisms made legislation. opportunity to avoid a major remain over the bill until the pharmacy course. of Tory sleaze. by the Cambridge professors The bill had been intended defeat”. Although the amend- changes are revealed in full. 28.04.06 News Varsity 5 Ex-CUSU Pres in NUS homophobia row He alleged that Fosis had arranged to certainly hope that isn’t the case”, but Jamie Munk support Davies in return for votes for their added, “there’s a general suspicion that it own candidate, Jamal El-Shayyal, from was”. Fosis’ lack of support for Akhtar came FORMER CUSU President Pav Akhtar was Davies’ support base. El-Shayyal stood as “a bit of a shock to all of us”. “He has narrowly defeated at the end of March NUS unsuccessfully to be National Secretary. worked incredibly hard for Muslim Presidential elections in Blackpool amidst Fosis have denied that they were moti- students”, he added; “everyone expected controversy that he had lost out on account vated by homophobia. Jamal El-Shayyal, Fosis would give Pav their first preference”. of his sexuality. The Federation of Student Fosis policy advisor and Co-Covenor of CUSU Academic Affairs Officer Drew Islamic Societies (Fosis) were widely expect- NUS’ Anti-Racism and Anti-Fascism Livingston, who was on the Cambridge ed to back the gay Muslim candidate, yet Campaign on the National Executive delegation, said, “I don’t know what to pledged their support at Conference for Committee commented, “we don’t discrim- make of it. If it is true, it’s disgraceful”. third place Presidential candidate Sian inate against anyone on behalf of their Current CUSU President Laura Walsh Davies, which aroused suspicion. sexuality”. Concerning the allegations of the commented, “it was a shame for Cambridge Akhtar trailed victor Gemma Tumelty by fatwa regarding Akhtar’s sexuality, he told that Pav didn’t get elected”. just 28 votes. With Fosis’ support of 120 Varsity “That’s a lie. By no means did that Dan Swain, a Cambridge delegate for delegates, Akhtar would have easily happen.” He explained that within Islam Student Respect, who backed Akhtar’s triumphed over Tumelty. “I was the obvious “homosexual acts are not permissible. But campaign, said, “It was disappointing that choice”, said Akhtar, adding “the only way he added, “it is also not permissible to Pav lost so narrowly in the end. He ran an Fosis could hold its line - and to make its discriminate against anyone based on their excellent campaign and has been a commit- delegates vote against me - was to use my sexuality”. ted campaigner against war and sexuality against me”. El-Shayyal works closely with Akhtar on oppression.” He believes that Fosis should Akhtar claims that the Fosis leadership the NEC. “I think he’s done a great job over have backed Akthar for his work in anti- alleged to its delegates that a fatwa, a reli- the past two years.” He added “At the end racism and on the Black Students’ gious ruling, had been issued by a leading of the day, Fosis thought Sian was the best Campaign, and were wrong not to. “If it was Islamic cleric “telling all right-minded person to back.” In terms of their relations for reasons of factional support it was irre- Muslims to vote against me due to my sexu- with Akhtar, he argued, “they wouldn’t sponsible. If it was because of his sexuality ality”. In spite of this “bigoted block voting have worked with him for two years if they it is reprehensible.” against me”, he estimates that around 40 of had a problem with his sexuality”. Swain said that Student Respect would the 120 Fosis delegates still voted for him. When asked about the allegations of continue to work with Fosis on campaigns Akhtar believes Fosis used his sexuality Fosis’ homophobia, Wes Streeting, CUSU such as anti-racism, but added, “we will against him as part of a political deal with President 2004-5, and elected Vice-President continue to argue with them about gay Former CUSU President Pav Akhtar at NUS Conference Sian Davies, another presidential candidate. Education at the Conference, said, “I liberation”. Jury discharged in Trinity Hall grope case

described as a ‘saucy chuckle’. gone. He sent her an email after- was going on, I would give her MASONS Gabriel Byng Then she was aware of the wards, saying “wish I had played a playful slap on the bottom - fingers of his hand cupping her our last two minutes differently”. not to undergraduates.” THE JURY in the trial of a Trinity right buttock.” When Morgan asked the The two had kept in touch by Hall fellow for sexually assault- She moved away and tried to academic, who is deputy head of email since she graduated a few ing a former student was change the subject when the university’s German depart- years ago. In a response to an discharged on Monday for legal Hutchinson ran his fingers ment, if his normal method of apologetic email Hutchinson reasons. The 24-year-old had through her hair and kissed her. greeting was a slap on the claims to have sent after patting accused Dr Peter Hutchinson, 61, Morgan said, “his hands start bottom, he responded, “it is only her bottom at a University func- of groping her in his college moving down - whereupon [the for females I have got on tion, the woman told him she rooms last October while making woman] starts pushing him extremely well with. I am always was “flattered” by his attention. a “pervy, Benny Hill, lascivious, away”. She put her arm against delighted to see them and give In others, she referred to him as groaning sort of noise”. his throat and told him, “Get off the playful pat on the bottom.” “Hutchy” and “big man”. The prosecution lawyer, me. What the fuck are you Although the woman claims Hutchinson did acknowledge Christopher Morgan, told the doing? I will punch you and he had never petted her before, that he had been flirting, but court how the graduate, now a kick you”. Hutchinson accused her of lying, claimed email statements like trainee police officer, had found In his defence, Hutchinson adding “I slapped her on the “give your cat a stroke for me” the lights in Hutchinson’s room told the jury “I was flabbergast- bottom a couple of times in a and “I go a bit weak at the knees dimmed when she arrived for a ed”, adding “I couldn’t carefree way. I had the same with blondes with certain colour drink. He poured her a gin and understand her reaction”. He relationship with some of my of eye who are just wonderful tonic and asked her to look at his explained how he had asked if other ex-students. Only five- people as well” were never mouse mat. Morgan continued he could buy her a drink at the years ago there was someone intended as sexual in nature. “The defendant gave what was bar but that by that time she had who graduated in 1987 and it The retrial is set for October 9. Trinity Hall’s Dr Peter Huchinson outside court last week Oxford student airport arrest Quiz victory for Trinity Five Glasspool, who was returning with a non-national after finding individual teams competition. was to list Madonna’s Top 10 Raj Bavishi from a two-week holiday in a copy of the Qur’an with his Carly Hilts St Andrews was the winning hits before 2000. Jon De Souza Morocco, was dressed in a tradi- belongings. Glasspool told university overall. was able to name all of them. A STUDENT at the University of tional Moroccan outfit, and had Varsity, “I had a copy of the FIVE STUDENTS from Trinity ‘Team Raymond Terrific’ He is the Madonna man.” Oxford was stopped and ques- a full beard, which he had not Qur’an because I study Arabic College beat over three won £8000 which Speight said, De Souza believed “Having tioned by the police at shaved whilst on vacation. and need to translate parts of it hundred other teams to become would go towards paying off such a well-rounded team was Southampton Airport last month Glasspool, a first year student for my degree. Having my own Daily Telegraph Pub Quiz his overdraft but added he the key to our success, with on suspicion of terrorist involve- studying Arabic at St copy makes this easier for me.” Challenge Champions of 2006. “might find some way of each member of the team play- ment. He was interrogated for Catherine’s College, was Glasspool alleges that after Over a four-week period spending a bit of it on beer”. ing a vital role.” fifty minutes before being approached at the airport termi- being released without charge from January to March, teams Speight said that team-mate He added, “What particular- released without charge, and nal by two plain-clothes police the officers told him, “it is our job from all over the country Jon de Souza’s Madonna ly appealed to our team about claimed he was told by authori- officers, one of whom was to question someone with your competed to test their knowl- knowledge made the differ- the Quiz was the fact that it ties that his appearence had armed, before being taken to a appearance.” edge and skills. The quiz, in ence. “There was a section in tested a wider range of knowl- raised suspicion. holding room for questioning. A spokesperson for Hampshire which three hundred and fifty which you had to name 10 of edge and skills than comparable Nineteen year-old Tom “They told me I has being held Constabulary Special Operations three teams from twenty differ- something. In the first week it nationwide student quizzes, under the new terrorism laws”, said, “Hampshire Constabulary ent universities took part, was 10 counties the M1 went most notably University Glasspool told Varsity. “I was does not have a policy of stop- consisted of four weekly rounds through and we were rubbish Challenge, whilst still requiring asked to step into a small room, ping people on the grounds of of challenges. Questions set by at that, but the next week it great depth of knowledge.” where the officers asked me what they are wearing. “We are Daily Telegraph correspondents JONES BEN some questions about the sorry if Mr Glasspool was included naming the footballer nature of my trip to Morocco. distressed or offended by the who scored the FA cup’s They then searched my bags, stop and account, but we hope 10,000th goal and ten counties photocopied my travel docu- that he understands the impor- that the M1 passes through. ments and examined my tance of such security checks The winning team, ‘Team holiday photos”. He added, “due being carried out.” Raymond Terrific’, captained to the draconian nature of the Glasspool said, “I’d rather by second-year historian present law, I was obliged to that they did check, but a Richard Speight, accumulated answer every question and not person blowing up a plane is some two hundred points to allowed to say ‘no comment’”. not likely to be wearing Arabic take first place. A team from They went on to ask him national dress.” His two travel Oxford University, ‘Hacked whether he had ever considered companions, who were both Off’, came second, and ‘PPP’ converting to Islam if he or his dressed in western clothing, from Loughborough parents had ever had relations were not detained. University came third in the Southampton Airport The victorious ‘Team Raymond Terrific’ outside Trinity 6 Varsity News 28.04.06 Complaint resolved after three years

E JONES BEN only discussed student concerns using Rachel Divall non-university account.” Following the original hearing Dr IN THE FINAL issue of last term, Varsity Peto had the option of making an exter- highlighted inadequacies with nal complaint, but was verbally assured Cambridge’s student complaints proce- that if she kept the matter internal a dure. One of the anonymous case number of issues of concern to students studies featured was that of Dr Heather would be addressed, including the Peto. Following a 3-year struggle to particular failings relating to the resolve her complaint and clear her handling of her case. She chose to name, the University has finally cleared remain within the University appeals weekdays Dr Peto of all allegations against her. Dr procedure and take her case to the Peto and CUSU LGBT have welcomed Commissary. Dr Peto alleges that once MARK PHIPPEN this development, but have both again the University failed to pass on all DIRECTOR OF UNIVERSITY expressed their unhappiness that the the relevant evidence. She was finally COUNSELLING SERVICE University continues to refuse to admit cleared in February 2006, but despite its mistakes. Varsity can now exclusive- the Commissary expressing concern at ly reveal details of Dr Peto’s case and the handling of her case, she is yet to expose the significant flaws in its receive any form of apology. handling. A spokesman for the University told In 1999, two students told CUSU Varsity “as far as the University is aware Tuesday they felt they were being pushed to cut no internal complaints by Dr Peto Back to work after Easter corners when handling radioactive against the University have been and catch up on post, emails material. CUSU advised them to take upheld. After the introduction of the and Service news. In the their concerns to their Department new National Service of the Office of afternoon, I see some representative, Dr Peto, who according- the Independent Adjudication (OIA), students for counselling ly took up the issue with the the University Council and the Student Dr Heather Peto, the first student to use the student complaints procedure which helps me not to lose Department. Varsity has learnt that a Matters Committee are reviewing the sight of the people amongst member of the Department read some However, the University waited 18 exists showing that the University did present internal complaint procedure to the papers; and hopefully of the emails being exchanged with the months before holding a hearing, and receive Dr Peto’s submissions in good simplify it and to speed it up.” helps them too! union, and mistakenly believed Dr Peto failed to appoint an anti-harassment time. At this hearing evidence was However Jordan Holland, President had informed the student press of the investigator to collect any evidence. A submitted to show that the University of CUSU LGBT, remained concerned Wednesday matter. This prompted a series of Former LGBT Chair said when the had been reading CUSU emails and about the University’s lack of any apol- Periodically we have a team rumours and attempts to discredit Dr hearing did take place it was “highly Varsity has seen a document in which ogy, particularly with regard to the planning day; it’s today. A Peto, including one that she was a insulting”, telling Varsity “allegations it is admitted that this fact is “now reading of students emails. He told lot to consider in this paedophile. Details about where Dr against Dr Peto were heard in secret, generally accepted” within the Varsity “I find the idea of the universi- meeting, particularly around Peto could be found working late at she was not allowed representation or University. ty reading student email absolutely our policy and practice in night were also circulated. to see the evidence.” Dr Peto said “We became suspicious appalling. It’s not only shocking, but keeping counselling notes. In 2003 Dr Peto became the first The hearing originally dismissed Dr when a computer officer made claims also an infringement of basic human We also consider the draft student ever to make a complaint Peto’s complaint, claiming any evidence about a health and safety incident rights, Dr Peto’s treatment by the Strategic Plan for the under the University’s new student to substantiate her claims had been which could only have been known University is sickening and I fully development of the Service complaints procedure, and was assured delayed in the post. However Varsity about by reading legal advice sent by support her quest for justice.” in the coming five years. her case would be dealt with quickly. have been told that an internal memo CUSU via email. From that point on we Meeting the increasing demands on the Service whilst keeping the costs manageable is difficult. CUSU backs lecturers’ pay demands American loans offer Thursday A day of counselling; I am JONES BEN AUT and pile on the pressure Officer, said CUSU wouldn’t moved at the resilience on the vice-chancellors and the Rashid Jarvis endorse the scheme at this people show, sometimes in real people who have the stage, but would be “open to a the most difficult of power to end this now; those AN AMERICAN company is meeting with representatives circumstances. Also, I fit in holding the purse strings.” proposing to offer Cambridge from Sallie Mae”. Mann time for a meeting at the Speaking to Varsity, Walsh students commercial loans of expressed concern that the International Office to said the AUT will only call off up to £20,000 each year. scheme could lead to such loans explore how we can improve the boycott if they get a fair Sallie Mae, who are the being “the ‘norm’” and that this the support to international deal on pay. She said that largest education finance would “have a detrimental students. I spend time with “Cambridge University does provider in the US, want to pilot effect on Access work done by two colleagues preparing not have that many AUT the scheme in Cambridge and the university and CUSU, and Students and staff striking last term at the Downing Site material for an article on members” making it unlikely JONES BEN would lead to students finding group counselling for the publicly to the AUT to end its that industrial action will have themselves in greater debt.” Association for University Emily Blakeley assessment boycott and prevent a wide-ranging impact on Alex Broadbent, President of and College Counselling disruption to exams. Previously, exams in Cambridge. But she the Graduate Union, was more Journal. CAMBRIDGE AND Oxford the NUS was supporting AUT stressed, “Lecturers and optimistic, telling Varsity “if students’ unions have broken industrial action; it still supports students are on the same side, graduate students will be Friday ranks to express their support the pay claim but wants the we must not let ourselves be borrowing money anyway, Meetings with two of the for lecturers' continuing indus- AUT to scale back its action. divided by others. We can end then it is probably better for senior counsellors in the trial action. The Association of Both CUSU and OUSU have this by uniting together and there to be purpose-built educa- Service to consider the University Teachers are a policy to support their lectur- weakening the position of the tional loans available, as well as development of the staff currently locked in a pay ers and tutors and refuse to negotiators, not the position of bank loans, overdrafts and counselling work we do dispute and refusing to mark join fellow students unions in the AUT”. Walsh fears that GU President Alex Broadbent credit cards.” (yes, we see University staff exams until their wage demanding lecturers return to targeting the AUT could “only He promised to “consult the too!), and the work of our demands are met. work if a deal is not reached prolong the process and mean are aiming to have it in place by graduate population at large” cognitive behavioural CUSU and OUSU have decid- before the examination period. that exams not being marked Autumn 2006. They would on the issue. therapists – a growing ed to back action by the AUT CUSU President, Laura Walsh becomes a reality rather than offer undergraduate students a A meeting between members aspect of the Service’s work. despite calls from some said, “Students do not want just a threat”. Nick Savage of total of £30,000 over the course of the CUSU and GU exec is I spend time writing the students' unions for lecturers to this boycott to happen; the Cambridge AUT said he was of their study, and postgradu- scheduled to take place today, Strategic Plan paper and abandon their pay demands. lecturers don’t want this glad that students have ates up to £80,000. and Mann and Broadbent plan getting the supporting The move follows a dramatic U- boycott to happen. The quick- realised it is the vice-chancel- Responses to the proposal to meet with Sallie Mae and the documentation in order. turn by the National Union of est and best way for this to end lors who can solve the have been mixed. Vicki Mann, Board of Graduate Studies on but I also have to attend to Students, which has appealed is to stand side by side with the situation most readily. CUSU Welfare and Graduate May 10. a colleague’s computer problems – looking forward to our getting a part-time More comedy capers from rag. As the Second Floor of to keep our eye on this new- from senior members of the Computer Officer next year! everyone’s favourite pseudo- Trumpington Towers became a fangled ‘Facebook’ thing. We aforementioned organisations. Union. Getting a bit lost on a whirl of activity earlier this were excited to learn that we Our own team members Monday jaunt to the seaside is just one week, things were eerily silent are the only student newspa- managed to lurk undercover Talk to my supervisor about of those annoying mishaps – in our rival’s office down the per to have a group formed for several weeks before being the Service management ending up in a different coun- stairs. solely for members to state ceremoniously kicked out. It issues. Over a sandwich try is perhaps somewhat more Speculative checks found no their hatred for our little was fun while it lasted. lunch, I meet with our annoying, as student represen- evidence of journalistic activity publication. visiting psychiatrist and talk tatives from one of the world’s of even the vaguest kind, and Beautifully illustrated with a So, as another year of Bishop business. I continue with leading Universities found that after some polite queries were sketch of a man pissing on a draws to a close and we the Strategic Plan, which is reading a map is pretty chal- made, confessions that the newspaper, the ‘Varsity is gently weep into our coagu- coming together. and finish lenging over the Easter break. team had simply ‘forgot’ to worse than CUSU and the lating Dojo boxes, we bid you the afternoon by meeting Perhaps it’s those pesky Welsh make a newspaper. Oh well, Union combined’ group is for farewell until May Week. with our Senior Secretary, A final sermon road signs. no news is... no news. ‘anyone who dislikes And remember to keep those checking how our new Cambridge’s ‘premier’ student eyes peeled for Cambridge’s cleaner is getting on, and before our man’s This week sees a fitting end to Here at the Bishop we like to journalists, and/or the ‘news- most shocking titbits of scan- preparing for tomorrow’s summer sabbatical a memorable year for every- think we’re hip, cool and paper’ they produce’, and dal and send them straight to counselling. one’s second-choice student down with da kids, so we like features guest appearances [email protected] THOSE WHO CAN: 28.04.06 Features Varsity 7

THE DESTINED DOOM OF Y

The male-determining Y CHEAT chromosome is shrinking. It has secretly been shredding its genes for 100 million years, and researchers now fear its demise is inevitable. In a society where women are getting increasingly independent, is a world without men the biological future? I couldn’t help but wonder: is this just another science terror theory or does the male sex really have an expiry date? Sex evolved so that the pairs of 23 chromosomes TOM KINGSLEY we receive from either parent can recombine and TOM KINGSLEY did much more research for this article than he did for his dissertation exchange genetic material, which has the advantage of n the real world, you’re encouraged to leaves his crib sheet behind in the exam place and to avoid last place – but the producing new combination do research – to read other people’s room – and there’s a “sprinkling” of people hovering happily in the middle of genes. The Y Iwork, to discuss your conclusions with these incidents every year – they’re not don’t really mind where they come chromosome, however, is other people, and to look up important automatically punished. “The examiner exactly. And since the vast majority of not subjected to such things in a large book on your desk will still mark the script and then we people get satisfactory second-class recombination and in its rather than trying to remember them. assess what relevance the notes would degrees, there doesn’t seem to be much absence mutations begin to But in exams, they call that ‘cheating’. have had. It would then go to the to be gained from cheating. appear, genes are lost and They say that when you cheat, you proctors and they might have an There’s a third possibility, which is the whole chromosome cheat yourself out of a proper education. interview with the student.” quite fun – that examiners and starts to degenerate. The Which is true if you plagiarise your The rudest recent case of cheating at invigilators just think of cheating as a bit result is a male chromosome weekly supervision essays. Cheat in Cambridge involved “someone who’d of a laugh. Richard South, a student at likened to ‘a graveyard of those weekly essays, and you miss out snuck back into the building after their Edinburgh University, was given a high rotting genes’, according to on the chance to learn how to write final medical exam and swapped their 2:1 for an English exam in which he Dr B. Sykes, author of properly, organise your ideas, and work cover sheet with that of a student who made up quotes for imaginary literary Adam’s Curse; A Future independently. You do get pretty good they knew full well to be good.” But critics, including the fictitious Professor Without Men. Dr Sykes at research though. luckily this didn’t work in the end, since Levi Erskine-Bloom, Emeritus Dean of believes that the Y- But cheating in exams is different. the stronger student queried his Scatology at Trinity College Cambridge. chromosome will be extinct Exams don’t test your education, they The Underwater Jamboree unexpected grade and then found the Clearly very embarrassed when the within 125 000 to a few just test the accumulation and Slide your notes under the label, wrong handwriting on his exam script. student revealed he’d made it up, the millions years. regurgitation of facts. Now some facts facing inwards. Then peer in and It turns out that Cambridge has a very university cheekily announced that it But if the Y vanishes, will will always prove useful, especially if read your notes through the plastic. low percentage of cheats. Not even a was “inconceivable” the examiner was that be the end of men? Not you’re doing medicine. The idea of your Problem: Staring seriously into a percentage. Even fewer than some unaware the essay was a hoax, and that necessarily. According to Dr dentist having cheated in their bottle for ages is kind of suspicious. foreign universities, such as India, where he was actually giving it good marks for Sykes, the male-determining qualification exam is quite painful to students in livelier parts regularly bring the “originality” of the approach. genes may escape from the contemplate. But less practical subjects, assault rifles to exams to prevent being And why not? Cheating gives you a doomed Y to resume their like every single Arts subject for stopped from cheating. chance to break out of the restrictions of functions from another example, don’t require you to know Even though the situation is quite a the syllabus and do something creative chromosomal location, or a anything that’s going to prove especially lot calmer in English universities, for one last time before you get a job. different gene might take on vital in later life. So if you do cheat in Gregory Cizek’s landmark slab of a book The recent reports of school children the responsibility for the exam, it’s not like you’re missing out Teaching in Tests: How to Do it, Avoid it and destroying the rigid conformity of the switching on the male on anything apart from frantically Detect it! tells how nearly 5% of multiple-choice test by developing truly programme. Indeed, this has memorising your statistics the night candidates cheat in every exam – and inventive ways of cheating are truly occurred in mole voles; the before. are never ever caught. Presumably uplifting. The plucky little smashers Y chromosome has been Some argue that cheaters cheat their other people cheat and are caught, the used laser pens to write on the wall shred, and the new gene fellow students from getting the grades muppets, but it’s still quite a small behind the teacher’s desk, signalled to directing male development they actually deserve. And that’s statistic. That’s perhaps explained by the each other by clicking biros, or – and this now resides on a different certainly the case in universities where fact that across the country, most is the most beautiful way of cheating – chromosome. students compete for a fixed number of cheating crimes are perpetuated by those laying out differently-coloured M&Ms Since it takes two to top grades – but in Cambridge, at the very bottom or very top of their neatly on their desks. These cheaters are tango, another implication of candidates are marked on their own year. People tend to fight to win first legends, every one of them. a dying male chromosome is merits. In most subjects, everyone could the extinction of our species get a first if they met the absolute The Wound Peeler as a whole. But, a world of standards for being clever, and so the Stick your notes to the underside of a CHEATING TIPS + TRICKS only women is biologically cheats can’t hurt anyone else. plaster, leaving a sticky strip round the feasible. There are numerous Yet despite cheating being manifestly side so it still sticks. Then you peel it Avoid eye contact Elastic band up the sleeve species in fact, referred to as moral, mysteriously few Cambridge off and pretend to check out a scab. Cheaters only get caught when Tie your crib sheet to one end of the hermaphrodites, which have students dare to do it. “There are only Problem:You look like you like blood. they’re shaking nervously and death- elastic band, and then tie it up your no males at all. Also, by a few cases each year, and of those only staring the invigilator. The invigilators sleeve. When an invigilator comes transferring DNA of one one or two would be taken to the have a couple of hundred people to close, the crib sheet is released, and female into another female’s Proctors,” says the man from the look at – the chances are they’re whizzes away up the sleeve. egg, researchers recently Examinations Board contentedly. The never going to see you if you keep Disadvantages – Hard to get it back produced a mouse with two board is made up of a select handful of your head down. out of the sleeve again. mothers; i.e. procreation people who are quite busy enough without any genetic organising the actual exams rather than Type crib sheets iPod schmiPod contribution from a male, worrying about a few people who It’s hard to copy what other people Record your notes onto different resulting in a perfectly secretly hide answers on the palms of are writing during the exam, and tracks on an iPod which you hide in normal female offspring. their hands. So it turns out that the they’re probably quite stupid anyway. your pocket, feed a headphone up Females are, by virtue of Examinations Board has no-one So you need a tiny crib sheet. your sleeve into the palm of your the reproductive machinery officially responsible for the prevention You can’t write very small or very legibly, but computers hand, and then tiredly rest your ear which defines them, can – so this has got to be typed. Times New Roman is the of cheating in university exams. easiest font to read at small sizes, and 6pt is the smallest on this hand during the exam. biologically superior to size you can get away. Practice reading it before the exam Invigilators are instructed to search the – if you try and fit too much on it can become illegible, Disadvantages – It’s tricky changing males. Although the toilets before each exam, and maybe and crossed-eyes attract attention. tracks when your hands are busy destined doom of Y may not give them a good clean while they’re at Wear tights writing or holding the earphone. lead to the descent of men, it, but otherwise the board sounds quite Write notes on your thigh, under your considering the pace of casual about the whole thing. tights. The material becomes trans- Write a Varsity article about cheats modern technology men “Where there are...” he pauses The Chewing Gum Switcheroo parent when you pull it taught, Then people assume you wouldn’t be could well end up being a ominously, “extenuating circumstances, You alter the wrapper from a chewing revealing the notes below. Invigilators so stupid as to cheat yourself, and superfluous sex in the future. people sometimes just drop down a class gum packet on Photoshop and can’t look closely in case you sue. don’t bother watching you suspi- What can I say guys? Rather or two. We rarely send people down, replace the massive list of E-numbers Disadvantages – Male students who ciously. And in the article, don’t be an X-chromosome than more often there is a disciplinary with a selection of helpful facts. try this tend to arouse suspicion. Or mention all the ways of cheating - an ex-chromosome. hearing.” Even if a student stupidly Problem: Photoshop’s a bitch. just arouse. keep the best one secret for yourself. Christina Geijer 8 Varsity Features 28.04.06

Emily Stokes asks How are you, The Cam Roger Michell? RM: Very well, thanks for asking. mini-me version of Hollywood. SEEN Friday This is a shame as we should ES: When did you realise that be proud to encourage British you wanted to direct films? talent. Illustration Abi Millar RM: When I was an undergradu- ate, in the days before DVDs or ES: What are your most Words Joe Thomas 3.20pm video, the Arts Cinema in enduring memories of your Cambridge ran a different time in Cambridge as a European classic every weekday student? at 11pm. I went practically every RM: I read English at Queens' night. I think it was probably and worked incredibly hard ... at around this time I started to get putting on plays. I directed properly interested in film. around twenty including three productions in my final term. ES: What was the first film Thus the pathetic 2:2. I did virtu- that you made, and are you ally no academic work at all and still proud of it? relied on stuffI'd learnt at school RM: It's an adaption of Jane to squeeze my way through Austen's final novelPersuasion, exams. Most of the people who and I am very fond of it. taught me were bored to death with students and their lack of ES: You have made adapta- enthusiasm was infectious. tions of well-loved books by contemporary authors, Hanif ES: Lots of talented people Kureishi and Ian McEwan: The leave Cambridge feeling a bit Buddha of Suburbia and lost. What did you do when Enduring Love. Did you find it you left Cambridge? a pleasure or a burden to RM: Took a load of plays up to work alongside authors? Edinburgh and won a Fringe RM: I very much like both Hanif First Award. Then used this as a and Ian, but on balance I battering ram to become a preferred working with Jane theatre director. Austen. ES: You have directed several ES: What makes some books award-winning plays, like ‘adaptable’ for films, and Under Milk Wood and My others not? What do you look Night with Reg. How has for? directing plays affected your RM: Very good question to films, and vice versa? which I have no decent short RM: I am fortunate enough to answer. be able to move from one to the other. They both have their ups ES: Notting Hill was the UK’s and downs. most commercially successful film. What do you think made ES: What do your children people go to see it over and think of your films? over again? RM: They like them, particularly RM: An indefinable longing to the scenes in which they appear, see Ryhs Ifans’ buttocks. which they nearly always consider to be the best bits. ES: How would you respond to the criticism that films like ES: What would be your Notting Hill portray a rather advice to Cambridge students romanticised version of British who want to direct films? Life that is unfamiliar to most RM: Buy a camcorder, down- people? load some editing software, and RM: Without much rancour or off you go. much energy... the film is a rom- com, after all. There are plenty ES: Will you ever return to of very different versions of Shakespeare? British Life on offer and all are RM: One day. selective and editorialised. ES: What is your next project? ES: How do you feel about RM: A film called Venus staring other Working Title films writ- Peter O'Toole and Leslie Phillips ten by Richard Curtis: Four and Vanessa Redgrave. Out in Weddings, Love Actually and September. Bridget Jones? RM: I look forward to seeing ES: What was your favourite them... Have they come out yet? film as a student? RM: Fellini’s Amarcord (1973) ES: Who will be the next Hugh Grant? ES: Who would play you in a RM: Why? What's happened to film of your life? the first Hugh Grant? RM: Stephen Frears.

ES: What do you think is the future of British Film? Michell joined the Royal RM: Boom and bust, triumph Shakespeare Company in and disaster, the usual bollocks. 1985 and was the Resident Director there for six years. His ES: Are there any young feature film Persuasion earned British Film directors you are five BAFTA awards. Other films watching at the moment? include Changing Lanes, The RM: Justin Chadwick, Jo Wright, Mother, Notting Hill and Julian Jarrold ... it's clearly a "J" Enduring Love. thing.

ES: How important are Oscars and BAFTA to you? RM: Oscars can set an agenda for the year ahead. Thus this year mildly provocative and independent films were reward- ed, which is good news for film makers like me, as it will encourage studios to make bold choices, however briefly. BAFTA has thrown in the towel and just wants to become an offshore 28.04.06 Features Varsity 9 CERFING THE WEB

VINT CERF was a founding father of the Internet. Now he’s GOOGLE’S Vice President. And “Chief Internet Evangelist”. JON SWAINE meets him amidst the Googleplex’s Giant Jenga and Juicebars

s I’m marched across the first floor Robbie Williams before him, feels so ask him whether he has just appointed mat, notepad and biro. of Google’s London HQ, I begin to offended that people might think he is Google as online parents du monde, he is But with success, stock market flota- A brief history of Awonder whether I haven’t been that he wants to go to court. away. tion, big profits and avowed lured into an elaborate, Truman Show- As I’m sat down opposite Vint Cerf, “Our primary job is to index informa- competition with industry giants like like GoogleRuse. Giant Jenga set here; the company’s Vice President and ‘Chief tion - your job is to decide what to use Microsoft has come fears that the “Don’t rows of leather recliners there; chromey Internet Evangelist,’ I ask whether this or not use.” As I suggest a comparison Be Evil” business ethic which gained the juice bars and tubs of nutritious cereal problem of responsibility in an essential- with problems of libellous entry vandal- company so much early affection might bars everywhere. “How’s life, Steve?” ly anarchic realm is a pressing one for ism recently experienced by Wikipedia, be lost. 1996 Larry Page and asks one employee to another. “Great,” Google. Cerf, 62 and immaculate in a visible twinge of envy passes over his Such concerns were brought into Sergey Brin, two PhD students Steve replies. “Great,” repeats the ques- tailored suit and clipped white hair and face. Regret that someone else actually relief earlier this year, when in launch- at Stanford, begin “BackRub,” tioner. Great. beard, smiles. thought of something before Google ing Google.cn, the company accepted a project hypothesizing that a Betraying the mood of someone who “Well, it’s not Google’s job,” he says. did, perhaps. censorship imposed by the Chinese search engine analysing rela- has run straight from overslept “I don't consider us to be a police force. That said, world-changing open government. Congressman Chris Smith tionships between websites bemusement onto a train, forgetting to source encyclopedias aside, there’s little spoke for many when he accused them would produce better results buy a ticket and being caught by the web-wise that Cerf and co. haven’t of “collaborating with persecutors” who than existing engines, which inspector even after hiding in a lavato- achieved. Since Google’s birth in 1998, imprison and torture citizens “in the ranked results via how many ry cubicle for half an hour, I’m already a constant stream of groundbreaking service of truth”. Cerf is unrepentant. times the search term becoming slightly exhausted by the “ ideas has flowed from their Californian “The amount of information appeared on a page sheer glee circulating the GooglePlex WE LOOK FOR Mountain View home. suppressed by Google.cn is less than one (yes, it’s called the GooglePlex). ONE MAJOR From their original page allowing percent,” he says. “I’m not trying to 1998 Larry and Sergey Can all these people really be this people to search the world-wide web, to make a quantative argument here,” he continue developing their tech- happy to be at work, even if their FACTOR - last year’s Google Earth allowing people continues, “or saying that censoring is nology, now known as company is as cuddly as the plain-paged to search the world-wide world, more okay up to x-percent. We don’t like it “Google” a play on the word benevolent behemoth is taken to be? WHETHER and more time spent online has come at all. But on the other hand, China is “googol,” the number repre- Apparently so. YOU’RE to be defined by Those Four Colours and a fifth of world’s population - bringing sented by 1 followed by one It’s as if I’ve entered a utopian bubble a dash of white space. information to a people that has been hundred zeros. They receive immune from all real-world concerns. GOOGLEY Despite a tendency to keep half- oper- isolated from information for so long is $100,000 investment from Sun Has no one here read this morning’s ational products half-finished for years very important to us, as well as being Microsystems and with six headlines? Arsenal and England foot- (“Google’s style is to try things out,” Serf an important market for us from a busi- others, form Google Inc. baller Ashley Cole is threatening legal confirms, unapologetically), the bizarre ness point of view.” action against them. A flurry of inter- results they occasionally retrieve (cf. I ask whether they couldn’t be doing 2000 Having moved to net speculation has seen Cole ”Obviously there might be times when Image Search’s second result for “Beer more to challenge the Chinese. But he Mountain View, California with nominated as the unnamed subject of a information under our control needs to Can”), and those awful ‘special occa- maintains they’re doing the right thing. $25 million from Silicon Valley News of the World article alleging be taken down, like libel, and also copy- sion’ logos, Google’s story is one of “We negotiated to ensure any search venture capitalists, Premiership players performed ‘sexual right violation. But the main solution is relentless success, lifted straight from a encountering prohibited material Google.com receives over acts’ on each other. to teach people how to think critically CompSci’s dreams. Within a decade, this produces a messag stating ‘this informa- 100m search enquiries a day. So many frustrated, scurrilous minds about the information that they get,” he side-project of Stanford PhD candidates tion has been suppressed’,” he says. have used Google to seek background adds, “a tremendously important lesson Larry Page and Sergey Brin has “Information is kind of like water,” he 2001-02 Google Image on the story that any unsuspecting foot- for a parent raising a became a multi-billion dollar continues, looking slightly emotional. Search, Google News and ball fan searching for “Ashley Cole” is child.” Before I corporation. “If you run water on things long Froogle are launched, applying helpfully asked whether they might can So successful has their enough it wears sediment away. Over Google’s search systems to have intended to type “Ashley Cole venture been that they are time, the ability to put information on photos, news sources and Gay”. But Cole says he isn’t, and, like now employing people like the net will have this effect on Chinese online shopping outlets Tom Cruise and Cerf, famous for his co- culture. We saw a similar example in designing the TCP/IP the USSR. Sharing information in 2004 Gmail is launched, protocols that were used to Soviet society led to Communism’s offering a gigabyte of free stor- develop the Internet’s under- demise.” age for each user. Google also lying architecture in the late It’s hard to disagree with his argu- buys Picasa, helping users to 1970s and early 80s. ment. Provided Google pays attention to organize, manage and share He is now Google’s “Chief principles as well as People’s Currency, their digital photos. The Ideas Man,” meaning that increased awareness of the democratic company floats on the stock while helping to develop outside world can only be a good thing. market, rousing fears that its new projects, he is also But time will tell. ‘cuddly’ image will be replaced being flown around As talk returns to matters closer to by tougher corporate concerns the world to spread home, Cerf is joined by three of Google’s The Word. He’s in UK chiefs. They tell me how especially 2005 Google Video is the UK to spear- keen they are to meet Cambridge launched, capturing TV head a students. programming and making it recruitment But surely they don’t want just searchable. Google Earth is drive at our anyone, I ask. “We do look for one also unveiled in June. The universities. major factor in everyone we hire,” technology enables users to Which, in admits one. Just the right mix of fly through space, zooming short, is why humour, creativity and drive. We call it into specific locations they he wanted to being Googley.” choose, and seeing the world talk to Varsity, They’re deadly serious. And, much as in sharp focus. why everyone is working amidst their relentless cheer being so nice to would definitely drive me to dangerous- 2006 At the massive me and why I ness, if you’re a smiley, creative, Consumer Electronics Show in leave the humorous CompSci who also enjoys Las Vegas, ‘Google Pack’ - a Googleplex with squeezing juices and playing giant board free collection of the best of a ridiculous party games in massage chairs, it might be the Google’s products is launched, bag containing a best place for you. It might be the only and Larry Page delivers a Google t-shirt, mouse- place for you. keynote speech 10 Varsity Features 28.04.06

THE SOCIETY OF PSYCHICAL RESEARCH Henry Sidgwick was an impres- sive man. In the late 19th century, he was a fellow at Trinity College and professor of philosophy. But rather less famously, he was also founder of the Society for Psychical Research (SPR), supporting and publicising research into anomalous phenomena. Psychical research (or para- psychology, as it is often called) sounds like something out of Ghostbusters: poltergeists, telepathy, apparitions – and GHOST maybe a good dose of ecto- plasm. But a large academic subculture exists around the study of paranormal phenome- na. Firmly on the fringes of science, these researchers crave the academic accept- ance that other subjects enjoy. Parapsychology is tolerated, HUNTERS rather than respected, by main- stream psychology. As a result, largely separate institutions RUBIKA BALENDRA meets Cambridge’s spooky Paranormal Research Society have been developed to support and fund their work - very time a car drives past started asking him, in a big the group; but he was the first they accept the spirit’s presence. notable among these being we try and catch a glimpse house like this, have you ever in line. We have now spoken to the Sidgwick’s SPR. Though it has Eof the people inside: Do turned off the lights, locked up They entered the room and CPRS about their findings for an always been based in London, they look like the sort who hunt and come back the next day to sat down waiting for the last hour. Two points seem to be the SPR has its origins here in for ghosts in their spare time? THE find them on?” After initial member to enter, who they crucial: Can we trust what they Cambridge. This link with We have arranged to meet “ refusal to answer he let on it could hear was still in the corri- tell us? And do we believe what Cambridge lives on: a large part the Cambridge Paranormal PROBLEM was worse than this. dor. They then realised the they say? of the society’s extensive Research Society but do not IS THAT “Sometimes while I’m walking entire team was already in the Despite being influenced by collection of books and papers know what to expect. That is, down the stairs after turning off room. Running into the corri- their belief in ghosts, they resides in the University Library. until a car whizzes past bearing PHYSICAL the lights, they turn back on.” dor was futile; whatever had appear to conduct their work in Given the lack of recognition the license plate ‘GHOSTEY’; it Despite being unable to explain sounded like a person in an an objective and honest by funding bodies, cash is a has to be them. We meet Paul, ACTIVITY this, he still felt the concept of empty museum had disap- manner. They admit they have scarce commodity in psychical Martin and Elaine who are half ONLY paranormal was nonsense. peared. as of yet found nothing from research. The main source of of the group of six who form the “After delving even further we They are often contacted by their scientific investigation. In money for psychical research in CPRS. As Martin puts it, “Some HAPPENS eventually found out that when people who believe their homes addition, emails from the public Britain is the will of eccentric people think we go around in the caretaker was 18 he had have a paranormal presence. through their website do not go novelist Arthur Koestler, which white suits and backpacks, ONCE ALL seen a full-bodied apparition. They explain that when para- to the three members “most- funds the well-equipped para- ready to suck up ghosts. We CAMERAS Since then he had blocked out normal activity has truly sensitive to paranormal psychology lab at Edinburgh aren’t Ghostbusters.” The any concept of the paranormal, occurred, such as a ghost-sight- activity”, as they may be influ- University. But alongside its group’s objective is to gain ARE OFF unable to deal with his vision.” ing, other creaks and squeaks enced by what they read and be goal of promoting understand- evidence that there is “some- So what, exactly, have they then seem spooky. So a major less objective when making an ing of the subject, the SPR also thing out there beyond what is found? By their own admission, part of their work is “educating assessment. provides research grants and classed as normal.” They started not very much when it comes the public to look for the natu- So the problem appears to be scholarships. One project they out four years ago after Martin to the scientific aspects of their ral reasons initially.” They then that they have not seen are supporting is “instrumental placed an advert on a website work. They conduct overnight ask the person to report back anything very tangible them- transcommunication”: the and now investigate cases of vigils in haunted buildings, every time something happens selves as a lot of work is through hypothetical communication of paranormal activity, visiting ” moving around in pairs measur- and often “we never hear from mediums. But they have a spirits with the living world. supposedly haunted places in ing changes in temperature, them again.” theory about the detection of Transcommunication, Cambridge and the homes of humidity and geo-magnetic They also use ‘alternative paranormal activity which extrasensory perception, members of the public. Their fields to see if these changes are science’ methods, bringing in could be used to reconcile most psychokinesis – each sound ultimate goal is to measure the consistent where they observe mediums who can supposedly people’s opinions on the subject. like the ramblings of a charlatan “optimal ambience for paranor- physical paranormal activity sense spirits and convey their They believe that “it is all in the to many. Yet parapsychologists mal activity to happen” using (i.e. movements, ghost-sight- thoughts. “One house-owner mind. Some people see the crave scientific acceptance. what they call “scientific and ings, sounds). The main said her bedroom was freezing paranormal more than others Their experiments are accurate- alternative-scientific methods.” problem seems to be that the compared to the rest of the because they have a sixth-sense, ly designed, their results are What a load of absolute and physical activity only happens house. So we went up and she especially mediums. In others it scrupulously recorded, and like utter nonsense. once all the cameras and sensors was right; shey had the radia- is not mature or focused enough in any mainstream science, all This is, unsurprisingly, the have been switched off. They tors on so high they were too to detect activity, in the same of their papers have to pass reaction they get from most describe an incident in a house. hot to touch but the room was way that some people can’t see through rigorous peer review people. But they are pretty clear It was the end of the session, so cold.” They brought in a very much unless they are before being published. when it comes to dealing with they had packed up after detect- medium who conveyed that the wearing glasses whilst others “Methodologically,” says sceptics, or as they put it, ing nothing as usual and the ‘spirit’ in the room was wonder- have perfect vision.” They are Paul Stevens, a researcher at ‘closed-minded people’. They entire group was seated in the ing why the owner had a blue not talking necessarily about Edinburgh, “we’re brilliant.” have no desire to convince lounge. Through the open door kitchen canister in her knicker hallucination, but when a Stevens is an example of just others that the paranormal is they heard distinct footsteps on drawer. “Sure enough, the normal person is in a particular how “scientific” parapsycholo- out there, but will describe what the wooden steps, “like a fat owner did have a canister in the frame of mind, they are “more gy can be. Whereas most of they have found: the open- person running down slapping drawer. It seemed the spirit was open to messages.” This appar- those who work in the field are minded people, at least, are on the wooden stairs, bang bang not happy with the room décor. ently, is the reason they do most psychologists – a “soft” prepared to listen then make up bang bang!” No one else was in In addition the spirit wanted to of their research at night, science, critics argue – Stevens their own minds, even if it is to the house. come to a birthday party in because at 3am they become is a physicist, keen to find disagree. But the ‘closed- One of the most haunted three weeks time. It turned out receptive to paranormal forces at play in anomalous minded people’ do not even places in Cambridge is the the house owner’s birthday was changes. phenomena. He would never be care to hear. Peterborough Museum which in 3 weeks. The medium asked So take it or leave it, maybe caught relying on a psychic. But occasionally, reasons for they have visited many times. the spirit to leave for the time it is all in the mind. If you want So is it science or pseudo- being closed-minded are deeper At the end of a night’s vigil the being, but permission was given to tap into your sixth-sense science? Parapsychology labs, than simple disbelief. They pairs reconvene in the most to attend the party. The room potential, get yourself some- with banks of digital displays describe a mansion in paranormally-active room to stopped being freezing and sure where dark and spooky, let your and electronic sensors, certain- Cambridge whose owner debrief and see if anything more enough three weeks later it brain chill out, then just wait ly look the part. But the contacted them to investigate a can be detected. On one occa- became cold again.” But, funni- and see. experiments carried out in them haunted room. They were let in sion they were heading to this ly enough, in this case the have come up with ambiguous by the caretaker, “a big 6-foot, room following each other – or owner decided she wanted the results at best. All we can say East London geezer. He made it so they thought. The first person spirit to stay in the end. for sure is - the truth is out there. clear that he thought what we in line was certain he was Apparently this often happens; did was a load of rubbish. So we following another member of once the owner has had contact www.cprs.org.uk 28.04.06 Features Varsity 11

Wind Sensor: If you Temporary HQ: feel a sudden chill, processing informa - this tells you whether tion during the night’ s it’s a ghost or actually investigation VV just a draught >>

<< EMF survey: ^ Cambridge checking a haunted The Ghostmobile: . Paranormal Research Society’s Car room for changes in Compass, obviously: Ghostly” says local ma gnetic field Ghosts sometimes “We originally wanted affect the local Ellie, “but it was taken.” magnetic field, which points the needle in unexpected directions VV

Infra-Red gun: Measures tempera - ture changes a t specific points - like, where a ghost is << The EMF machine: If standing >> Camcorder: The ghosts alter the electro- external light stops magnetic field, this’ll strange reflections spot ‘em that misleadingly appear to be ghosts >> Dictaphones: Left on their own, they might capture ghost WHEN SCIENCE voices >> MEETS THE PARANORMAL The Ghost-Hunting Toolbox: There’s a Professor Josephson relates psychokinesis to quantum physics Ouija board hidden VV rian Josephson is an excep- cile the paranormal effects of behind the pens Btional scientist. In 1973 he was psychokinesis (moving objects with awarded the Nobel Prize in the mind alone) with quantum Physics for his work on the proper- physics. Quantum physics says that ties of a supercurrent through a there is contact between systems at a tunnel barrier. He carried this out distance but in standard theory it is when he was 22 years old, studying not possible to use this to send for a PhD in Cambridge. But since signals. We showed there is a way then his work has moved on in a you can modify quantum physics to very different direction; some of his allow this; it is possible to change the peers would say in a downhill one. statistics, implying a fluctuation that He leads the Mind-Matter Unifica- ordinary physics does not take into tion Project at the Cavendish account. It established a general prin- Laboratory, which aims to under- ciple, but did not provide a specific Is the opposition you face frus- stand intelligent processes in nature, model. In this respect one might trating? associated with brain function or compare it with the high energy More frustrating is the pressures that some other natural process. The most physicists' 'string theory', a theory are put on students not to work with controversial aspect of his work is in that has nice mathematical proper- me. People at my college, Trinity, are the field of parapsychology, trying to ties, but minimal connection with the open-minded about these concepts; explain paranormal phenomena real world! the Society for Psychical Research scientifically. started here, which I am a member Why is there so much controver- of. I was first introduced to the the What are your research interests? sy surrounding your work? paranormal by the Trinity Fellow Dr. I am trying to understand the brain It's a manifestation of ‘Pathological George Owen who was interested in in conceptual terms to uncover the Disbelief’, where despite a claim Poltergeists. Funding has been a real fundamental principles underlying its being valid there is strong opposition problem as there is local prejudice design. I am also interested in para- to it by the scientific body. Some against me. normal phenomena and ‘cold people claim telepathy is nonsense, fusion’, which is of importance in but there is experimental evidence to Do you believe in ghosts? energy supplies. The scientific show it exists. If a person is asked to I wouldn’t say 'believe in', as it community a long time ago came to mentally transmit one of four photo- suggests there is an aspect of faith to the conclusion, by now disproved in graphic or video images to another, one's beliefs! I am inclined to think hundreds of experiments, that the the receiver correctly identifies the they exist, but have not gone into the phenomenon was unreal. image about one third of the time, subject at all. not a quarter of the time as would be What research have you done relat- expected through chance alone. But ing to paranormal phenomena? this work cannot be reproduced reli- In 1991, myself and a colleague ably in the same way as normal demonstrated how you could recon- scientific phenomena. www.tcm.phy.cam.ac.uk/~bdj10 12 Varsity Advertisement 28.04.06

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Great things come from great relationships 28.04.06 Comment Varsity 13

What We Don’t Know Can’t Hurt U.S. ON COPYING Free expression of ideas is so 19th century Rachel Willcock

Ed Blain hat I find shocking

B MILLAR ABI about the Oxbridge his year’s Oscars were heckled before they even open WEssay scandal - hailed as the moment their mouths. We might dislike having just handed in my THollywood went political. their views just as much as 7000 word labour of love - is Not in a Ronald Reagan, failed- New York Jews dislike Rachel that there are some students actor-running-the-world kind Corrie’s, but it would do us who are willing to sell an of way, but with a good dose well to be more grown up essay that takes weeks to of Vanessa Redgrave-style left- about it. produce, only for some other wing political protest. George Part of the problem lies with bugger to get the credit. Clooney’s Good Night and Good the timidity of student societies, Where do these ‘Oxbridge Luck, an attack on who are discouraged from students’ get the time? McCarthyism and the Bush inviting controversial or unpop- Judging from the amount of administration, was nominated ular speakers because they fear people in the UL over Easter, for Best Film. Never mind that disruption, either spontaneous we all had enough of our Good Night and Good Luck was or organised as part of CUSU’s own work to be getting on fifty years out of date and misguided No Platform policy. with. Having reached a crisis essentially amounted to a less Recent experience suggests that level, British Universities are subtle version of The Crucible. It their fears are unfounded. finally getting their act was progress. Sarah Pobereskin, last term’s together about plagiarism. But now we hear that Union president, expected With the cross-checking American self-censorship has protesters when she arranged a now in use, it seems the struck again, and British debate on Zionism. In the only way to cheat is to pick students can return to feeling event, the only disturbance up some vulnerable geek to smug, worldly-wise and superi- was a long-winded rant from do the groundwork for you. or. My Name is Rachel Corrie, a an audience member who sat The problem for us students new play premiered at the down when told to. is that as detection and Royal Court in London, cannot CUSU’s policy, criticised in punishment of plagiarism is find a venue in New York. Varsity last term, is more getting more serious, we are It’s not a bad play, and has worrying because it can be not becoming more enlight- so far stood out as the high- used to prevent anyone brand- ened about the whole issue. light of the Royal Court’s ed extremist from speaking in We all know our DOS fiftieth anniversary year. It Cambridge. Fortunately, it has wouldn’t approve of us takes the writings of a 23-year not been used for some time. If buying an essay, but the old American girl killed by an seems that American self- tends to target the opposite we are prevented from engag- shades of grey are never far Israeli bulldozer in Gaza and censorship is determined to people from the New York ing with the enemies of away. English faculty guide- dramatises them without draw- consign her to the purgatory of variety, it is just as potent and student liberalism by unadven- lines advise citing all factors ing conclusions. The play is the forgotten. wrong-headed. turous society organisers then affecting and developing anti-Israeli only in the sense The New York Theatre “ Next week, for instance, we must lobby for change. your thought on dissertation that Saving Private Ryan is anti- Workshop, which had original- WE HAVE NO Vanessa Redgrave and In a few weeks’ time we will work; lectures courses, German. It presents war from ly agreed to provide Moazzem Beg, the recently- celebrate the bicentenary of the supervisions and so on. Yet one side’s viewpoint but, as a performance space, first post- RIGHT TO released British Guantánamo birth of John Stuart Mill, surely the whole Supervision monologue, it never pretends poned then cancelled the offer. THINK inmate, are both coming to Britain’s most famous champi- system rests on a gradual to be doing anything else. It felt that heavily Jewish New speak at the Union. Both will on of free speech. He famously building of original thought, When she died in 2003, York would not appreciate, or OURSELVES no doubt castigate American argued that the giving of encouraged and fostered by Rachel Corrie was a controver- even permit, an unashamedly BETTER THAN foreign policy, as well they offence does not constitute others? sial figure in her home country. pro-Palestinian play. might. But it would be in harm. Let’s encourage societies I started to feel that my Edward Said, then the most Back in Cambridge we sit SELF- Cambridge students’ interests if to invite speakers we disagree bibliography might turn into famous Palestinian living in back and feel culturally superi- DELUDING the other side were permitted with, and let’s listen to them a dreary Oscar style speech… America, called her “heroic and or. But we have no right to occasionally to make its case. politely. Save the heckling for ‘I want to thank my Mom dignified at the same time”. think ourselves better than self- NEW YORKERS When American government after they’ve finished talking. and my Dad for teaching me Anonymous pro-Israeli bloggers deluding New Yorkers. We too representatives do come to Then we really will be superior to read...’ hoped that she would “burn in impose our own censorship. speak, as one did at the Union to the narrow-minded theatre We live in a society of free hell for an eternity”. Now it Though Cambridge censorship last term, they are mocked and goers of New York. discourse where a spoken idea becomes a public idea - ” a culture of exchange. Language and Literature themselves are hybrid, satu- rated bodies, passed to us Noelus Ex Machina and informed by the previ- ous generation. I n the past, creative writers - Shakespeare for one - took Deal No Deal: the game show as God for granted the lifting of plots and characters from other writers as long as it Jonny Ensall was re-invented originally. It is only in our lawsuit culture ith the distant memory of this then the thought is lost amidst this is a very special show” he really in which your failures cannot feasibly that we can have writers that awful House Party now the rapturous (and ultimately point- believes the show’s own quasi-spiri- be attributed to anyone other than suing Dan Brown for being Whappily reattributed to less) cacophony created by a studio tual hype? The answer is probably, yourself. Sadly Deal or No Deal repre- influenced by conspiracy Barrymore, we’ve got a nice, clean, audience who think a mini-miracle and sadly, yes, because Noel likes sents a step backwards to a belief theory books on Jesus – gunge-free Noel Edmonds, born again has happened every time someone Cosmic Ordering – a trendy, scientif- system in which chance successes Jesus! What about the Bible for a new television era, resurrected opens a box. For the people who ic-sounding spiritual system that make the winner feel deserving and itself? to combat the cynicism and apathy of play it, the show is not a gambling promotes the power of the focussed righteous whilst, by the same token, This is not to say I disre- a late afternoon audience which, like game, it’s an example of the individual to shape the patterns of failures are put down to bad luck. It gard or take lightly the crime Deal or No Deal’s contestant rote, unknown forces of the universe in the universe. In other words, he may sound like the sort of criticism of plagiarism. I could never consists of students, the elderly and action, sweeping away the cynicism thinks that by wishing for something your grandpa might level at you and sell an essay because I have the unemployed. “We’re witnessing of secular society and directing hard enough it’ll come true. So it your generation, but I think it is a fierce possessiveness over something very special here this succour to those in times of great would seem that Noel really does more than fair to say of Deal or No my own work, and respect afternoon”, Noel will proclaim almost need, such as the great need to pay want to preach the gospel of the will Deal that it makes people expect to the rights of others over every day of the week. It's a mixture off a credit card debt after a family to win, a thought which encourages, be given something for nothing. The theirs. of this chronic hype, the popular holiday in Tenerife. However, the in my mind at least, a new model of show is an arrogant idler’s wet dream Nevertheless, if Cambridge fantasy of miraculously appearing reality is that every contestant who the show as Noel and his apostles: of a world in which success is neither are going to clamp down wealth and the willingness of people ‘wins’ is being given something for the Cosmic Orderer and the Cosmic arbitrary nor earned through hard justly on academic malprac- to believe in fate or intuition that, for nothing in a set-up that is more akin Orderees. work. Unfortunately, in the real tice, they need to give many, has turned the show into a to a random act of ill-directed charity I’m sorry to have to dissect what world the chances of a lightening clearer guidelines over what daily ritual of near religious impor- than a game show. After all, just would otherwise be a wholly enter- bolt of cosmos-directed wealth strik- this actually is. It shouldn’t tance; less Noel's House Party and what do these people think they’re taining piece of crap, but having ing you are exceedingly slim, so I only be for third year disser- more a service from the House of getting money for? thought about it, the subtext of Deal recommend you throw away your tations that students need to Noel. With such massive waves of posi- or No Deal worries me a little. I much lucky charms and your lottery tickets be aware of intellectual prop- Over-emphasising the patterns of tive energy pulsing through the prefer quiz shows that present a because they don’t mean shit. There’s erty and referencing practice, chance to try and pretend that studio, it falls to Noel to try and more accurate model of the way the just one sure rule in gambling: the but something we should be fortune does, indeed, favour the channel this support into the world works; quiz shows like The house always wins, and with six informed about from the brave is a trait usually associated outcome of the game. A question Weakest Link in which the people who million devoted followers it must be start. Misunderstanding with compulsive gamblers, but if that’s been puzzling me of late is screw you over are the same people high times in the House of Noel right cannot, and must not, be an anyone on Deal or No Deal is thinking whether when Noel says “I feel that you’re working with to succeed, and about now. excuse for academic theft. 14 Varsity Comment 28.04.06 ADAM WELCH

and

Israel chips

LIVE! THIS BLOG CAN BE READ OUT LOUD, FOR ONCE. HERE WE GO…

Brunodogboy, that is the classic, bigoted view of the non-Narnia specialist who assumes that you can just read the novels without any grounding in Narnia folklore and with- out any understanding of the central size of the astonishingly large lion, Aslan. He is one of the biggest lions the world has ever seen, and anyone who believes otherwise is clearly living in the dark ages. Wormman

I notice that the talk is of the approx- imate ethical or moral weightiness of the characters in the Narnia novels. Could I point out that Aslan is almost certainly seen as a Christ surrogate. Therefore, colon, is he a lion question mark. Yes and no. Or should that be, to quote from my favourite Narnia Confessions of an English Daily Mail-Eater novel “Growly Yes, said Aslan, as he herded the children into the compar- A plea for honest humility and open flexibility from a recovering Tory atively warm glow of the West Narnian hills”. I think this passage e’re too clever, you and I. We’re fresh to us. And we deal with them economics. And most of all I hate the proves that, although certainly a lion young and opinionated, bold and under the all too legible, but all-too infre- ridiculous and unfounded confidence that Adam underlined, he is certainly not under- Wsharp. Sounds good, doesn’t it? quently unread, influence of our I had in my own views. In retrospect I lined, just a dumb animal. But is he a Who would want to be stuttering and socialisation. We are still far too much can see why I was a little Tory bitch, a human underlined question mark. uncertain, vacillating and brow-furrowing, what our parents and our schools made little Hague-vassal. Middle-class home; Again, no, because if he is a human maybe even shoulder-shrugging? Well, I out of us whilst our attention was private school education; straight As; Daily then why is he a lion question mark. would for one. We need to learn humility. distracted by socialising adjuncts like those Mail on the coffee table every day: it was E.g. why does he have paws and a Everyone needs to learn humility, but Sesame Street confidence tricksters and almost inevitable. I eventually realised all long, swishy tail question mark, brash, arrogant Cantabrigians need to that profoundly treacherous bear of that and started the fiendishly difficult question mark, exclamation mark, learn more than the rest. Paddington. task of working out what I really thought question mark. Any intellectual claims to authority we Let me tell you a shameful story: it will about everything that had previously McNestrie JulianJoachimthesecond have are pretty weak. We’re eighteen, be cathartic for me, purgative. You will been answered by self-interest and nineteen, twenty, twenty-one years of age enjoy it because it will humiliate me. Conservative cant. But most people never Julian Joachim the second, you say (apologies to mature students, multiple Several years ago I was just about the come to realise that they are full of shit. in reference to Aslan colon quote degradationists and child prodigies): we most strident, shrill and repugnant Most never realize that their views – although certainly a lion underlined, don’t know anything yet. We can write political, ethical, religious – are just a he is, dot dot dot, a human in that passable academic essays in less time than facile and inadvertent hybrid of those of case why is he a lion question mark most; we know the rudiments of one of their parents and the orthodoxy of what- end-quote. Because of the way I the branches of science. So fucking what? ever groups or communities they have have paraphrased your argument it “ All we have is a trifling skill in a narrow stumbled into. doesn’t make sense any more. I think specialism; those who use it as a title to LET ME TELL YOU I had dinner with former Foreign you need to take responsibility for play the man of letters have just been A SHAMEFUL Secretary Douglas Hurd once. I asked him this and in future only use arguments seduced into a vain braggadocio. about all of this and he returned me the that make sense both forwards and Besides, your horizons are narrow: STORY: IT WILL BE most complaisant, naïve and detestable backwards and in which all the your gap-year country of choice aside, answer that I think I have ever had prof- words are the same. Wormman you haven’t travelled; your experience of CATHAR“ TIC FOR fered to a question of mine. “My parents the working world is narrow, maybe even ME, PURGATIVE taught me a set of values when I was young Julian Joachim the second, I infer non-existent; you probably haven’t expe- and I never felt the need to question them.” from the quote given in your entry rienced real hardship, death, true love or Such a spirit of supine and unquestioning and re-quoted by worm man quote any of the other defining experiences of acceptance, I detest. But more than that, I Growly Yes said Aslan et cetera your life. But why should you have? hate those who combine a pre-packaged, endquote which you refer to as You’re still tracing your way through the Conservative party member that you readymade set of values and principles coming from your favourite Narnia rites de passage: go to University, get laid, could imagine. Not just supporter: which they espouse with th§e confidence novel that this means your favourite get a degree leave home, get a job. member.I believed that people were of the intellectual parochial who has Narnia novel is The Lion the Witch Although we must never forget that entirely responsible as individuals for their never known anything else and who has And The Wardrobe. I assume this is Daddy cradled his dying best friend’s head actions. All criminals were evil and fallen, never dared to look for anything else. some sort of joke question mark. Is it in his arms in ‘Nam or that Granddaddy deserving of secular hell-fire; all successful Most people aren’t as bad as Hurd; most a joke question mark. If it is not a routed the Hun, we’re not culpable for white middle-class types were worthy of don’t stand for election expounding views joke then you are living in the dark our inexperience. all the status and money that they could that they have “never felt the need to ages. JuniorHalifax We can’t do much about our deficient lawfully get their hands on. How dare the question.” But it seems to me that most booksmarts or our poverty of life experi- government take away so much of the see ignorance and rigidity as no barrier to Julian Joachim the second, I have ence, but we can realise that at our age rich people’s money? How could any living by their views and expostulating been accused of living in the dark we are still learning to be grownups. That reasonable person favour progressive taxa- them as whim takes them. ages, but it is now obvious that you consciousness of the really very little tion that took away the hard-earned I just wish that there was more humili- are the one living in the dark ages. constrained freedom to make our lives, money of the deserving and handed it ty. That intellectual sporting would give You need to stop thinking with your and ourselves, whatever we would have apologetically to the improvident poor way to flexibility and self-examination. stomach and start thinking with the them be and the burdensome reverse side people? It made me really, really angry. Perhaps most of all, though, I wish that it part of your body that actually allows of the coin - responsibility for what we I now hate what I was. I hate my tribal was a sign of wisdom and good sense to rational thought ie. Colon. Your brain. choose to do and be - are still relatively loyalty to the Party and my soulless be seen to say “I don’t know.” Brunodogboy

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I fail to have now been subject to compromise the security of This last issue of Varsity has explored the parameters of see the point in Clare’s the according sanctions. their neighbours. plagiarism, the possibilities of cheating in University exams, Dear Sir, abusive emails towards their Combination locks will deter and the potential for global internet search engine Google guests apart from cheap Yours faithfully, the casual thief from I am stunned and appalled point scoring - surely this entering a staircase, but to both broaden our access to knowledge and restrict the by the actions of the Clare encapsulates everything that Tristan Pedelty when doors are left open it ways in which we are able to use it. May Ball Committee. May Balls should not be? Trinity Hall becomes an open invitation For many of us, the academic singularity of purpose and Telling a prospective guest I cannot imagine how any to enter. What is more, intellectual daring paid lip service to at interview and seem- that one takes pleasure in business could survive by letting a thief in once will ingly epitomised in the famous one-word answer to the ignoring them is not only an treating its valued customers almost certainly bring a Finals Philosophy paper (Q:‘What’s the most daring thing affront to decency, it also in this way. I very much A Handy Tip repeat visit, as opportunist you’ve ever done?’ A: ‘This’) have been relegated to the calls into serious question doubt that those left freez- thieves (and their mates) status of urban myth. The supervision system encourages not only the judgment of ing in the cold outside Clare Dear Sir, will return time after time to students to expect personal and knowledgeable guidance the individual involved, but will be on “Easy Street”. the site of previous also of the competence of I’d like to second the points successful thefts. during our course, but once we depart from the reading list the entire Committee; Ball Yours faithfully, raised by Varsity’s article on The answer to the problem to conduct our own research elsewhere, we find ourselves guests are being asked to College thefts. Though lies with the students and presented with an intimidating glut of electronic informa- place their safety and securi- A.N. Other we’ve only had one reported College staff themselves. tion displayed in a random and unstructured way. Falling ty in the hands of this group theft from a student room They have the means to into plagiarism seems inevitable when the definition of come June. Whilst being this year, it had indeed been secure their rooms against ‘research’ has changed so rapidly under the noses of those rude to customers and being left unlocked by the student theft and they must use who set the University courses, and the new resources incompetent are not the in spite of repeated pleas to them. Every time an available still have a seductive newness to students who same thing, they are both Election Malpractice all students to keep their individual leaves their room have grown up alongside the internet and feel a genera- core components of unpro- rooms locked at all times they must lock their door, no fessional behaviour. Dear Sir, when not in the room. matter how short a time tional affinity with it. Responsibility for commu- I think that the main they intend leaving a room. The Internet has permanently changed the way in which nicating with May Ball I know it’s a fair time after reason for our relatively It takes but a few seconds for we gather and process information, and we are able to guests is not an easy job – I the event, but I would like good security record is that a thief to enter a room and collaborate with each other to a degree that has never should know, having done it to correct your article on at Sidney Sussex we have a strip it of valuables. For as before been possible. For a generation used to the rapid for a Ball considerably larger the Union elections from the two-tier security system. long as individuals approach reshuffling and sharing of free, open-source information than Clare. Guests will be last issue of Varsity. The Outer staircase doors have security with a casual evident in internet communities, Wikipedia and Project demanding, as they have matter of allegations of combination locks and the attitude thefts will continue. Gutenberg, it’s understandable that those who refuse to every right to be for what is malpractice has now been internal student rooms have make use of this new apparent fluidity should seem like likely to be one of their resolved within the Union, individual locks. However, Yours faithfully, biggest purchases of the and the appeals procedure security is only as good as old-fashioned martyrs to their peers. year, and there will come has been exhausted by the the people who use it and, if G.O.Wallace But rather than adapt the traditional curriculae and times when you are unable candidates. All of the individuals leave the outer Head Porter teachers’ guidelines to a radically different world, the to fulfil their requests. The complaints of electoral doors to their buildings Sidney Sussex University is simply trying to deny that the Internet exists solution is to communicate malpractice which you unlocked, they not only by imposing outdated definitions of ‘research’ and ‘collab- as clearly as possible, and reported that I made were leave themselves open to Letters may be edited for oration’. The latest bogeyman to strike fear into the hearts obey simple rules of upheld, and the candidates theft but they also space and clarity of undergraduates is the anti-plagiarism software employed in American universities and by an increasing number of faculties here. ‘Turn It In’ searches for six-word phrases Reality Check exposes his arm to the gath- which may have been plagiarised either consciously or Dear Sir, ered assembly and says “look unconsciously from other sources. Yet the problem that the how I am bewitched: behold Internet poses to academic integrity should clearly be In your recent review of the how mine arm is like a blast- addressed at an earlier stage in the learning process than at Marlowe Society’s Richard III, ed sapling, wither’d up”. This the point of examination; introducing more rigorous checks your reviewer made the pithy explains the “convention” of on cheats is a profoundly unintelligent and unimaginative and frankly careless observa- Richard’s costume – it is way of handling the huge impact of the Internet on a tion that, in the production, directly informed by the text! community’s intellectual life. Richard was “conventionally The relationship between It is important to remember that universities were estab- costumed” with “one with- his disability and his charac- ered arm”, and that ter seem fairly clear from the lished with the primary aim of increasing the sum of “Shakespeare left the rela- outset: he is aware of and knowledge, not merely with imparting that which is already tionship between Richard's naturally embittered by his known to the individual student. In many ways, projects disability and character deformity but is happy to use such as Google Scholar have returned us to the utopian open”. it as a weapon to his advan- aims of our universities’ medieval founders. The Internet is Is this true? Has the tage. as much a place for criticism and constant revision as it is reviewer read or paid any For your reviewer to have a place for passive consumption of information; the aver- attention to the text? Richard missed such an obvious part age sum knowledge of the group is, after all, always more refers to himself, in his open- of the text and to pick up on Letter of the Week wins precise than that of the individual. ing monologue, as “scarce it as a flaw in the production a specially selected bottle from Letter of half made-up”, “deformed, is, at best, an embarrassing our friends at Cambridge Wine The Internet: it may be a double-edged sword, but it’s still unfinished” and “not shap’d oversight. Merchants, King’s Parade. a sword. the Week to court an amorous looking- Tim Dickinson Make a visit for all your May glass”. In Act 3 scene 4 he Trinity College Week wine and champagne

This is the last Varsity before May Week, and this team’s final issue. So we’d like to give very many thanks to every- body who has been involved in Varsity over the past term. “Stop languishing in your aura of smugness” You know who you are. The Anonymous Student Varsity is now looking for a new This Week: The Arrogance that’s so Cambridge editorial team for its Michaelmas e stop on a bridge, and stripped away almost all the I’m not claiming that the vast sense of pride in oneself and in 2006 editions, including an overall lean over, our arms traditions and idiosyncrasies majority of Cambridge students one’s companions, riding on the Editor and editors for each Wcrossed, to look down which have so characterized its aren’t remarkably intelligent, wave of the group’s cumulative the river. Some guy on a punt image. I’m sick of otherwise and I’m certainly not pushing intellectual capabilities. section of the newspaper. If loses his footing and, with normal people who think some ridiculous ‘dumbing- You're at Cambridge, now get you’d like to apply, download Keaton-like grace, flops elabo- they’re living in an Evelyn down’ argument. I’m just very over it. You’re most likely not rately off the boat and into the Waugh novel. It’s all linked to aware of the Cambridge arro- the genius you thought you an application form today murky shallows. Cue applause, the general Cambridge arro- gance which seeps through all were, but someone who didn’t from www.varsity.co.uk. and then a hint of a chortle from gance. I remember, in my very social groups in the colleges. This enjoy themselves enough at my companion. I recognise that first term here, sitting across is not the fault of the much- school and is now making up for Applications close next Friday, laugh, and I know what’s next. from someone in my year maligned drinking societies: lost teenage drinking binges by the 5th of May, at 5pm. “Sooo Cambridge!” Those night- during lunch, and talking to they were set to adopt that sipping Earl Grey every after- marish words which resound them about a mutual friend. manner long before universit, noon with your trusty clique of through dinner halls, college With perhaps a touch of and most likely by their educa- bizarrely fashioned cranks. You can also apply to be a part of rooms and sunny lawns. How Fresher-like exuberance, I tional background. Mummy and Daddy are very the one-off team for our May Week am I supposed to respond? “Yes, ventured the opinion that the Cambridge arrogance is much proud of you, as, most notice- yes, so Cambridge, as are we, said friend was “a genius”. My more wide-spread, concealed, ably, are you. Now stop special. See page 19 for info. Hector” and flutter my eyelids? companion raised her eyebrow, sinister. It’s found in the languishing in your aura of People comment on looked around the dining hall, libraries, the faculties, the ‘nice’ smugness, go to your book- mundane occurrences with a then leaned in close and confid- people who look at you wide- shelves of uncracked spines and sort of wide-eyed, chuckling ed with absolute sincerity, “Well, eyed when you tell them you look up ‘Cambridge’ in the Opportunities at Varsity wonder. It’s just a university, a aren't we all?”. Well, no, you’re haven’t started your dissertation dictionary.I assure you, it isn’t university which has by now not. yet. It’s a collective arrogance, a an adjective. 10 Varsity Features 28.04.06 Writes

For fourteen years, Varsity has published an annual collection of new poetry and prose writing by students in Cambridge and Oxford - The May Anthologies, or just The MAYS as it has come to be known. The project has grown from a small batch of books sold in colleges to a full-scale literary project gaining national attention, with thousands of copies dispatched across the country, sold online, and distributed to every major literary agent. A team of student editors sift through thousands of submissions, aided by a notable guest editor, before finally selecting the very best submissions for publication. The Mays continues to attract the finest writing talent in Cambridge and Oxford, and this year’s selection certainly lives up to expecta- tions. In an early edition in 1994, Stephen Fry called the selections ‘magnetically readable, memorable and moving’. Ted Hughes praised the anthology’s encouragement of ‘exploration and independence’. Philip Pullman was encouraged to ‘find such talen among the younger gerenation’ whilst award-winning novelist Ali Smith neatly summarised ‘it’s all talent’. Zadie Smith, whose first published story was in The Mays as an undergraduate, later worried that ‘maybe in a few years this lot will have me out of a job’. Though none of the 2006 finalists are aiming to make our favourite Mays alumnus redundant, there’s certainly the potential to match her success in this year’s batch. This year, we received 1,100 entries. Not bad for a student publication. We’ve read poems about cheese and stories about Serbia. The overriding lesson learnt, even for those initially sceptical about the quality of student writing, is that the quality of writing within the universities is very high. After months of slaving away we now have 11 short stories and 12 poems. In a slight shift from previous years, we have two guest editors rather than one: Don Paterson for poetry and Jeanette Winterson for prose. As the book is sent to press, Varsity profiles the guest editors, takes a sneak peek at extracts from the some of the final selections, and gives you the chance to claim a free copy of last year’s acclaimed anthology when you pre-order MAYS 14. MAYS 14 is in the shops at the end of May, £6.99, IS ISBN 0902240364. The Guest Editors Each year, the MAYS editorial team is joined by a guest editor from the literary world, who assists with the final selection and introduces the anthology. This year, not one but two illustrious literary figures join the team - award-winning novelist Jeanette Winterson and acclaimed poet Don Paterson. Bloomsbury in the UK and Knopf in Eliot Prize, which Paterson is the first the States. At that point she became poet to have won twice. His most recent a full-time writer, publishing Sexing publication is a book of aphorisms, The The Cherry in 1989, Written on Book of Shadows (Picador, 2004). He the Body in 1992, Art & Lies in also edited 101 Sonnets (Faber), a 1994, Art Objects (essays) in 1995, selected Robert Burns (Faber), and Gut Symmetries in 1997, The Last Words (with Jo Shapcott, Picador). World And Other Places (short He has been the recipient of several other stories) in 1998, The Powerbook in literary awards, among them the 2000, a book for children: The King Geoffrey Faber Memorial Award, a of Capri, in 2003, and Forward Prize and three Scottish Arts Lighthousekeeping in 2004. Her Council Book Awards. He received a latest book, Weight, was published Creative Scotland Award in January Jeanette by Canongate in 2005. In addition Don 2002. He is currently Poetry Editor for she dramatised Oranges Are Not The Picador, an imprint of Pan Macmillan, Winterson Only Fruit for BBCTV in 1990, and Paterson and teaches on the MLitt in Creative wrote a TV film, Great Moments in Writing at the University of St Andrews. Aviation for BBC 2 in 1994. Jeanette As well as poetry, he writes drama for Jeanette Winterson wrote her first Winterson has won various awards Don Paterson was born in Dundee, the stage and for radio, and has worked novel, Oranges Are Not The Only around the world for her fiction and Scotland in 1963, His poetry collections as a book reviewer, columnist and music Fruit, when she was 23. It was adaptations, including the Whitbread are Nil Nil, God’s Gift to Women, The journalist for several national newspapers. published a year later in 1985. She Prize, UK, and the Prix d’argent, Eyes (all Faber & Faber) and The White Orpheus, his version of Rilke’s Sonnets to then worked for her publishers at the Cannes Film Festival. Jeanette Lie – New and Selected Poems Orpheus is published by Faber in October time, Pandora Press, before publish- Winterson joins the MAYS editorial (Graywolf) and Landing Light (Faber 2006. Don Paterson joins the MAYS ing The Passion in 1987 with team as Guest Editor for Prose. 2003), which was awarded the editorial team as Guest Editor for Poetry. Whitbread Poetry Award and the T S

28.04.06 Features Varsity 11

s of Spring“

When the Muslim call to prayer, as if from absolutely nowhere, began to ring

out one day over the famous skyline of Manhattan in the middle of January, in the year 20--, the immediate reaction was hysteria. Most people only dimly knew what it was they were hearing;“ those who did, or who grasped it soon enough, suspected the work of terrorists. “ It was so loud that all street life ceased.

from The Minarets of Manhattan by Ross Perlin

Polyeidos is my name. A seer by trade, but times are hard, and I’m not proud. Determinedly horizontal. Need to be vertical, or necessitate I’ll sing for my supper. the assumption/establishment of verticality. Fuck’s that What’ll it be? How Rhea fed her man moving“ around downstairs? Dog. Forgot that’s still alive. Ugh. a swaddled rock and saved her son? No? No food. Hard enough keeping me without feeding that. It A drinking song, to while away the storm? could/might not/should fend for itself. Remove its collar and A story, then. Look no further, friend. I’ve got a few. send it on its way. Sharp enough teeth. No trouble bringing “ down a cat or a child. Too early to do that. Can’t be action yet by Anna Wilson – too soon. Need false sense of something first. Last evening’s “ noodles’ll have to do for now. But what of the future? What of There is a particular area of the sea off the East coast it? Fucking southerners: Birmingham is not in the north. That of China where the currents are such that they cause the air to form itself into very distinct layers so that, is a linguistic fact. What is? All terminology, in the end. THE

on occasion, light can run inside one of these layers END. But it’s not – let’s face it around the curve of the earth, as though through a fibre optic cable; & so there are villages in China from Vocation by Niall Gildea where, every so often, the fishermen, on going down to

the ocean in the morning, will see, rising above the water, mountains & forests & lakes & small towns, Special Offer that, within an hour, will disappear, resolving them- “Pre-order MAYS14 and get MAYS13 free! selves back into an empty horizon Pre-order MAYS14 today and you will receive the anthology posted to you on “ the day of release, along with a free copy of last year’s anthology - guest- from Piece for an Unfinished Piano by Ciaran O’ Conaill edited by Robert Macfarlane - at no extra charge. Name ______

Address ______

Please send me ____ copies of MAYS 14 priced at £6.99 each. “At night, the lights of industry transformed Please also include a free copy of MAYS 13 at no extra cost. By dusk take on the quality of loss, of wraiths Please add £1.50 p&p with each order, and send a cheque payable to Across an estuary of vapours, shimmering. ‘Varsity Publications Limited’ to by Tom Wells MAYS 14 Varsity Publications Limited 11-12 Trumpington Street Cambridge “ CB2 1QA 18 Varsity Advertisement 28.04.06

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Established in 1947, Varsity has been Cambridge’s independent student newspaper for almost sixty years. It has a great heritage of quality and intelligent journalism, attracting the best talent in Cambridge and ARU. Michaelmas Term Editorial Team

We’re looking for passionate, dedicated individuals to edit the sections of the newspaper in Michaelmas Term 2006. If you have a passion for writing, photography, production or design and have enjoyed reading Varsity this term - or have ideas about how you can make it better - then we want to hear from you. No prior experience is necessary, just a genuine interest in journalism and the subject of the section you want to work in.

You can edit any of the existing sections listed below, or even suggest an idea for a new one. Editor Sub-Editors & Page Checkers Fashion Editor Visual Arts Editor Chief News Editor Interviews Editor Literature Editor Screen Editor News Editor Investigations Editor Music Editor Classical Music Editor Features Editor Science Editor Theatre Editor Photo Editor Arts Editor Comment & Opinion Editor Visual Arts Editor Photojournalists Sports Editor Satire Editor Screen Editor Graphic Designers Production Manager Restaurant Review/Food & Drink Classical Music Editor Columnists May Week Editorial Team

If you’d like a taste of editing a section without the long-term commitment, why not apply to be a part of the one-off May Week edition? Encapsulating the madness of May Week, this special edition issue hits colleges at the end of the week with reviews of the biggest and best balls, plays, gigs, stunning photography and a review of the year. Low time commitment, great experience, lots of fun. Deadline: next Friday, 5pm

Download an application form from www.varsity.co.uk Deadline: 5pm on Friday 5th May. If you have any questions, contact the Business Manager, Chris Adams, at [email protected], 20 Varsity Lifestyle 28.04.06 28.04.06 Lifestyle Varsity 21 The Three ummerLiaisons has nearly arrived, giving one the Horseshoes, Sstrong desire to jump into a convertible, put the top Madingley down, stick on some Beach Boys and head to the coast. Alas, in Cambridge, we all know that summer brings not only long, warm days of sunshine but also the immi- nent threat of exams. Beach escapades may not promote top exam performance, unless t was a dreary day in March perhaps you are doing a surf- as I bounced round in a taxi, ing degree, which, due to a Ispeeding along the road grievous oversight, does not which borders the American appear on the syllabus at Facebook stalking is dire, Military Cemetery. I was Cambridge. but it’s hard to shy away fiendishly hungry, my empty But does everything have from pressing ‘view more Sprung stomach lurching this way and to wait until exams are over, pictures’ of pseduo-hotties Out that as I tried to retain my even a spot of summer you’ve never met. Certain composure; this was the

romance? Without alcohol sexually explicit profiles, Styling unnerving prologue to a most and dark clubs as our aphro- however, make the stalking rewarding of outings.

disiacs, a girl may decide to experience justifiable; with by Allegra Kurer and Lucy Minyo, Photographed Ellis Scott, Makeup Dominic Jones, Saskia wears dress Warehouse Seated in the dining room, I abandon any thoughts of some students even launch- looked over the grey pursuing the object of her ing lurid poetry Blooming Cambridgeshire landscape that affection. However, you may competitions to make had been so depressing five find summer loving easier procrastination that much minutes earlier. It now than you think if you just more disturbing. Jenny As fashion becomes appeared positively summery. head for one of the top pick- Lau, we give you the clap. fodder for the masses, Though this was the work of up spots of the Cambridge textile design is the new our cocktails of prosecco and summer. frontier in expressive art. Campari, it also owed a little to Number one: The UL. It “Earl Grey's Little Lemon For this week’s Lifestyle the menu, which bore all the should come as no surprise Ladies are proud of their spread, we comissioned hallmarks of the chef’s River that this is the place to see English traditions and Central Saint Martins BA Café training; Italian adapted to and be seen during exam always look so pretty in their Textiles student Agata the strengths and limitations of term. If you stick to a college best dresses. When they see Seidel to create an eerie British early spring. or faculty library, you are Earl Grey's Gingerbread piece for the spread. The sardines I enjoyed with automatically reducing your Gentlemen, they smile a Wilting Quentin over a glass of options, but the UL offers a little shyly. Sometimes they garganega helped preserve the plethora of attractive distrac- are quite flirtatious.” Spray unseasonable mood, charred tions. Sit yourself opposite a whipped cream on them to and dressed simply with lemon sexy stranger in the reading bling up their dresses over and a mild chilli, whose subtle room and stare longingly into breakfast. As the metrosexual has a piquancy lifted a rather delicate their eyes until they (a) invite pink carnation thrust on his fishiness on the tongue. Some you to the tearoom for a grave, truly naturally beau- gnocchi we ordered alongside coffee or (b) get scared and tiful men are opening their enjoyed the company of a fine move. If really desperate, shirt button and exposing Pecorino, which got pleasantly simply hang around some (shock horror) chest hair. involved in the rather dull quiet area of the book stacks Spotted at the Prada party black cabbage sauce the gnoc- in nothing but expensive in New York (right), it’s chi found themselves bathing lingerie and a large coat and utterly base and sexed up in. It was a simple, enjoyable wait for your victim. Works and leaves the smooth first course and though it didn’t every time. chested boy trembling in dazzle as the calf’s liver I ate on Number two: Jesus Green. the corner. my last visit did, it prepped the Even exams cannot stop the taste buds just fine. beautiful people from flocking Feeling that everything was to the Green on a hot day. going a little too well, and that With ice cream and punting A single chocolate we were enjoying our pinot nearby, what more could you digestive biscuit noir a little too much, we ask for? You may be tempted contains double the turned a slightly more critical just to sunbathe in as little as amount of saturated fat eye to proceedings. But the possible to attract romantic as a bag of crisps. What bread was great and the service attention, but this is the was once considered a flawless, hitting that perfect wrong approach. What did perfect revision treat is spot between amiable and Pamela Anderson teach us on now only good for revis- formal required by the Baywatch?A girl in a swimsuit ing your weight to a pub/restaurant hybrid. may be good, but a girl large amount. However, we weren’t yet running in a swimsuit is so overwhelmed by the food. much better. So grab some Though neither of us vocalised friends and a Frisbee/foot- Objects of Desire this at the time, we later decid- ball/volleyball and get ed our obsession with cutlery’s moving. Yes, it is completely ugliness was a sign: something brazen, but yes, men will was up. Perhaps it was the look. If in doubt, throw your ll sorts of dresses are everywhere spring, but set to last well into summer, omen can breathe a sigh of shoes are sturdier, made of beautiful he difference between a menswear Printed shirts are hit and miss, and importance of that Pecorino, Frisbee/football/volleyball at this summer and I’m a huge fan, these dresses have huge investment relief after looking at Milan leather, with chunkier heels. winter collection and a spring one is you’re as likely to find a suitable one for the fact that without it the the head of your desired indi- Abut The One for the season has to potential. WFashion Week’s A/W 06/07 So as Spring arrives surely the focus Tthat the latter contains lightness – of you in Oxfam as in Oswald Boateng. gnocchi would have made that vidual. Not only a great be the shirt dress. It’s versatile (library There were light linen designs at collections. Gone are the ridiculous should be on airing your feet? I don’t fabric, hue and being (but luckily there’s Anything tiki or tropical is best left to a slip from something hearty and icebreaker, but you also seem then beach, anyone?), flattering for all Prada, floor length at Michael Kors and statement shoes of previous seasons, think this seasonal distinction should be nothing unbearable – or unwearable – faraway place - like a styleless man’s fulsome into something lacking caring by asking if they are body types, cutting edge on the catwalk cotton at Marc Jacobs. The Stella replaced with elegant, yet restrained, made blindly when it’s not yet warm about it). Designers realise this season is wardrobe, a bin, or hell. If you dare to go vigour, nothing more than concussed and need to be and in high street window displays, and McCartney, though, is my favourite. The heels that were mainly closed toe. enough for strappy tops and shoes. time to captivate male customers off floral, downplay the foppery by keeping sticky, doughy balls. taken to hospital. practical. image of her sun-kissed Think court shoes, Generally, at this time of guard. As blossoms kiss the print abstract, geometric Anyway, by the time the Number three: Rymans/ There are many different models striding down the with a little more year, it is out of place to branches and we lie outside and dull in colour. Geometric chick peas arrived, we were in Staples. The stationary store is interpretations of this trend. catwalk, statement bag over edge than usual, of wear barely there shoes to a stargazing, isn’t it more likely prints make for good statements danger of losing interest. essential to all students during Most high street styles are one shoulder, silk billowing either round or dinner, or outing that is not that a petal might sprout on and should be worn with But they were, without exam revision, unless they tailored, fitted and ladylike. and shirt buttons askew is the pointed variety. quite black tie. The closed our sleeves? Maybe not. caution should you not want to doubt, the best I’ve eaten, with are super-prepared or prefer These are smart enough to wear most enduring of 2006’s high Gucci, Ferretti and toe option of the classic Floral prints remain tricky look like one the drawings the same exciting warmth and to ‘borrow’ from their friends. to a supervision, but add a pair fashion. Oversized I’ve- Del’Acqua were all court shoe, is the far more territory for men. hanging up in Clowns. acidity as the sardines and their We have all had those annoy- of heels and a short jacket and borrowed-the-boyfriend’s sending models sophisticated option. And whereas summer joy If you’re pale, opt for a navy, dressing of lemon and chilli, ing moments when you run you’re ready to hit the bar. The shirts are McCartney’s sexy down the runway Therefore, do not forget to may never blossom in chocolate or olive colour to but with so much more besides. out of paper or lose that ultimate in chic, no one can fail take on this popular design. with not a toe in take advantage of the dregs menswear, it might shine. complement your skin and While Madingley is a short favourite pen in a pre-exam to look classically chic in a shirt River Island does a safari- sight. There was a of winter sales. Prada’s star print shirt has enhance your eyes. Darker skin distance outside Cambridge frenzy, so calm your nerves by dress with a pair of Jackie O inspired version for £19.99 or somewhat restrained They are called classics for made a stellar impact this tones can usually indulge in and only served by two busses heading to a stationers for a sunnies (£15 at Topshop). Grab there’s a gorgeous jade-green feel about footwear, a reason. This is a style of spring and is no doubt a brighter colours. It’s ultimately a day it may seem a bit inacces- flirt amongst the folders while a waist-cinching leather belt 40s one at M&S for £35. With with only neutral colours being used. shoe that is always going to play a big collector’s piece in the making. a game of opposites and the following sible to anyone without a car. you stock up with exam and wear one of them with a leather flip-flops, dishevelled Shoes have gotten more practical again, part of your wardrobe. So get ahead of Exquisitely cut in a soft and breezy rhyme should make sure any print- The taxi fare was about five necessities. Let your eyes white or patterned dress. hair and one too many but not in a let’s hike for 5 miles kind the game and start wearing your courts cotton, the shirt packs a punch against containing garden party outfit remains pounds (from the back of meet over the lined paper For instant laid-back style buttons undone, there won’t of way. now with your bare sun-kissed summer the more sophisticated boyish pastel chic – when the print is crazy, colours and cut King’s), but the journey was section and discuss the merits and to look like you’ve just be a hotter look on Jesus They are less flimsy and whimsical, legs, rather than waiting for the cold and separates Prada paraded for spring. Part should be bold, when the print is lazy, boring unquestionably worthwhile. of ballpoints over biros. There walked off the set of the O.C. instead of Green this summer. with the focus being on complimenting dreary winter months. Manga cartoon, part American tourist colours look old. Go as a treat, after exams, on is nothing like exam out of the UL (Mischa Barton wears hers and enhancing the rest of the outfit as trying to dress up, with a touch of 80s graduation, this weekend, stationery tips to get the pulse with leggings and heels), the shirt dress Fiona Walker Doyle opposed to being the star piece. The Zanna Wharfe hedonistic party-wear, the shirt is an Benj Ohad Seidler whenever. You deserve it. racing. really is the only option. In for the unexpected hit. Jenny Stocks Jackson Boxer 22 Varsity Advertisement 28.04.06

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Faculty of English

University of Cambridge

Drama Studio Manager

Applications are invited for the post of Drama Studio Manager in the Faculty. The post is for a fixed period of 10 months, starting on 1 August 2006. The successful applicant will have responsibility for the day-to-day oversight and management of the Studio and associated equipment, for developing the poten- tial of the Studio to maximise both artistic and commercial demands, and for organising and supporting a programme of events in the Faculty.

Applicants should have a first degree in English or a related subject and experience of theatrical, budget and events management as well as excellent organisational skills and the ability to work with a wide range of people. The salary for the post will be in the range of £20,044 to £23,182 pro-rata per annum.

A PD18 form and further details may be downloaded from http://www.english.cam.ac.uk/jobs/index.htm. Applications, consisting of a letter, curriculum vitae, and completed PD18 form including details of two referees (who may be consulted before interview) should be sent to Faculty Administrator, Faculty of English, University of Cambridge, 9 West Road, Cambridge CB3 9DP (email: [email protected]) by 19 May 2006. 28.04.06 Arts Varsity 23 Arts Theatre Music Visual Arts Interviews Controversial Nobel A round-up of all the Go see the Fitzwilliam’s The Guardian’s John Harris laureate Harold Pinter term’s best albums Titian this term on where we go from Blair

>>page 25 >>page 27 >>page 28 >>page 26 The pretty angry People’s Poet Mary Bowers meets Benjamin Zephaniah and is chastised for wielding cut flowers

dmitting my trepidation at inter- But then try going to Calcutta and viewing a celebrity who wasn’t a saying education doesn’t matter. You Adrug-addled indie drummer with can live in a country where you can be a hangover and no social skills, I decid- without education and still survive. In ed to take the advice of a trusted friend. others, you are condemned for the rest It is thus that I meet Benjamin of your life. I’ve met able-bodied people Zephaniah, people’s poet laureate, who break their own hands to beg for writer, musician and broadcaster money. If you talk to them, they say, “I having received one instruction: wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be “Always bring them flowers: everyone a lawyer. I wanted to go to Oxford’”. loves flowers”. So, plonking my cheer- I feel I have my English teacher’s fully-coloured gerbera on the table, I nagging to thank for keeping my limbs beam with pride. intact. “I feel my lack of education,” he But he stares with incredulity, as if says. “I come away from interviews I’ve just pulled a knife. Doesn’t he like feeling I could have said it better. I flowers? “Them’s dead bodies” he whis- mean just a minute ago I was talking pers. “How’ve they got life left to to you…” He looks down and pushes grow?” a piece of onion around his plate, “and I look around myself in shame and I couldn’t find a word.” stash them surreptitiously under the I ask what inspires his poetry. “I was table. At points during the interview I asked this for a magazine,” he says, wonder if I can hear their dying breaths “and I had to answer in one word - I under the table. Later, I discover that, said ‘oppression’. The guy said that was as a Rastafarian vegan, Zephaniah is interesting because 95% of people say opposed to unnecessary interference depression. I suppose it is a kind of with nature’s processes. Whoops. There depression but, not about me.” I “I’m pretty angry, really,” he says. “I is a pregnant pause. “If I ask about the poem Our Fathers, smile a lot, but that’s to keep my spir- were to go outside now a highlight of his new Naked its up.” He laughs, waving his you’d see people say album. The answer’s simple: his dreadlocks and flashing the gap ‘thank you. You’re the appearance as an extra on between his teeth. We’re in an Indian people’s poet. Fuck the Eastenders. “Michelle came up café in West Ham, munching vegan Empire!’” to me and said” (puts on fright- curry and talking over a Bollywood Zephaniah ening high-pitched Jamaican - soundtrack. (“I haven’t taken a woman constantly stares just Birmingham- Cockney accent): “‘I’m to dinner in ages,” he quips, when we over my shoulder, looking for Ar-fur Faah-ler. I’m look- meet in his local bookshop) seeming to switch ing for MY FATHER!’ I play this mad Occasionally he looks over his shoulder on and off sudden- father and say,” (wise old Baptist voice) at a passer-by he recognises and ly, as if attacking “’we are all looking for our fathers’”. acknowledge them with a silent nod. and retreating It’s a piece of comic relief brought Benjamin knows everyone in sequentially into back to darker reality: “I wrote a poem Newham: the bookshop owner who his own thoughts. called The Woman Has to Die about a hands him his pile of fan poems, the But here is a man woman who comes from a tribe in woman at the community office who with much Pakistan. They don’t believe in having wants to go to Hungary with him once untapped. He photographs taken, but she always he “has a word with the asylum knew “many in the wanted to. Her family wanted her to people,” the Indian restaurant owner Labour govern- marry this man, but suspected she was who passes him his regular (passion- ment” before they having an affair with a man from fruit juice) without a word. were either “kicked another tribe, so her father decided to Unsurprisingly, it’s not long before out or corrupted”; he was even kill her. He literally shot her through small-talk on the Sugababes (“I don’t “on phoning terms” with half of her brain. That was the first and only really like them; but they probably Nelson Mandela’s government. time her photo got taken. And I just don’t like me”), Gorillaz (the last album During his term on Robben Island, thought ‘God’, when I heard about it.” he bought) and Matthew Herbert (“one Mandela got hold of Zephaniah’s Throughout our meeting, Benjamin of my all-time favourite artists”), turns poetry and, upon release, asked to meet Zephaniah seems angry. There are too to politics. him. His poems were dropped from a many bombs being dropped (“some He is, after all, one of Britain’s most plane over Cape Town and the have more computers in them than my political contemporary poets; about apartheid government sent the two local primary school”), too many chil- Thatcher, about Major, about Blair. offending white men to jail. dren without an education - too “I’ve got a very simple thing about poli- Isn’t he astounded at his achieve- many governments without an tics,” he says. “I hate this government ments, an ordinary guy from education. He shouts at the top of and I’ll probably hate governments to Birmingham? He screws up his face at “I DIDN’T EVEN his voice to right the wrongs; he come.” Will there ever be a govern- the idea - “By what?” That he knows MARIA writes plays about testicular ment he won’t hate? “Not in my Mandela, for a start. “My mum was WANT TO BE A LISOGORSKAYA cancer, books about fights for lifetime. Politics at the moment is like more astounded than I was,” he says. asylum, and talks about racial ‘Cool Britannia’: everyone wants to be “When I met him I said ‘thank you’; he POET.IWANTED tension to refugees in Dakarta and your friend. It’s a very dirty thing.” said ‘no, no, thank you. Thanking you.’ TO BE A FILM his dentist’s waiting room. War is one of the dirtiest things of all I actually think Mandela made quite a “I didn’t even want to be a poet.,” he for Zephaniah, who travels the world lot of mistakes,” he says, before adding STAR, OR A says. “I wanted to be a film star. I would working for the British Council and quite bizarrely, “at the time he was like usual apology – normally reserved for have liked to be a comedian. Or a wrote Refugee Boy, a children’s book the Osama Bin Laden of his day. I was COMEDIAN, OR A drunken pub small-talks – about martial arts teacher. I just wrote some about a young boy who arrives in supporting a terrorist.” MARTIAL ARTS Oxbridge. You know, the one that poetry.” He sighs. London as a refugee from Ethiopia and And all this from the poet who left normally can be avoided by saying you As he drives me to the station, I feel struggles to achieve asylum. When school when he was 13, and didn’t TEACHER go to Middlesex. decidedly uncomfortable about the asked why he turned down an OBE learn to read or write properly until I needn’t have. “You can have a very wilting bouquet – and college scarf – two years ago, he looks abashed. “I he was 21. I hunch my shoulders to good education without being educat- under my seat. “I promise to give them can’t really tell you,” he says, “I mean, hide my (deliberately ironic) College ed. I mean, some actors go to acting a proper burial” I quip. And I don’t just we don’t have enough time.” Nothing? scarf, through a pseudo-scoff, my ” school but when they’re forced to act… mean the flowers. 24 Varsity Arts 28.04.06 View from the gods Hit Me Judy One More Time - Easter Term & Lowri Jenkins interviews Betsy Vriend about bringing the Edinburgh special world’s most famous puppets to life in Punch and Judy no more good. Week Four sees The efore interviewing Betsy Vriend, explains, “And I wanted to take that Cambridge Robot Project director of next week’s ADC Late violence, which is originally something Present R.U.R (Rossum’s BShow Punch and Judy, my prepara- quite slapstick and puppet-like, and make Universal Robots) by Karel tions had been less than sound. A few days it horrible and gruesome.” Capek, at Michaelhouse. of loitering and listening to No Wave in This may, or may not, be coincidental Maybe a little Mechanical, but Cambridge left me with the conviction that with the fact that the dissertation she has still theatrical. I’d just have to wing it. When we finally waiting for her after the interview is Week Five is Weakest Week. begin, having mopped up the coffee I focused on Bret Easton Ellis’ American It’s up to you to make it theatri- managed to spill all over one of Caffé Nero’s Psycho. The script itself, and Betsy’s inter- cal. Act a bit or something. tables, I find my slightly deranged expecta- pretation as master of puppets (you knew Week Seven presents the tions of marionettes performing a it was coming), seem to share with Ameri- most exciting production Bauhaus-inspired Triadic Ballet quickly can Psycho that slightly distanced, humorous Cambridge has had to offer in a extinguished. slant on violence, which turns the innocent long time, largely due to its “It’s basically a really dark take on the into the depraved, the naïve into the know- devil-may-care mystique. children’s puppet show,” Betsy tells me, ing. The play, written by two Footlights The Varsity Elect Without a cast, venue or socie- “played out with people, not regulars and runner-up for last year’s Harry Pass Judgement, ty, The Venetian Twins will Porter prize, seems made for an ADC Late occur at 3pm daily. Venue TBC; Show slot, which Betsy readily admits. with Osh Jones & Society TBC; certificate “The script is something of a gift. I mean, Luke Roberts Raunchy. Possibly. Theatrically it doesn’t really take that much effort to moving on to Too Darn Hot! at “ direct it, because there are jokes the audi- hat heavenly theatrical the Corn Exchange for one A DARK ence will get it straight away. To a certain landscape awaits? night only, featuring songs and extent, it’s like a series of Footlights sketch- WWhat pearls of godlike CUMTS. Lots of songs, an TAKE ON A es, with every new character bringing a acting will grace this fair city’s orchestra and tickets which new dimension.” boards? How many will act stretch the pocket of any PUPPET However much she underplays her role things? How many things will human promise to make this as director, it seems to be Betsy’s place to be acted? Will one person forget the most exciting event. This SHOW make sure that the play never does feel their lines in an otherwise will be Musically Theatrical. simply like a series of sketches. She tells stable production? Yes! Yes! A May Week? Yes, you may. me the set and technical side is ‘inventive’ thousand times ‘yes’ to all those Ha ha. The Importance of Being and ‘daring’ without being showy and with questions, even those which Earnest will frolic in Emma Punch speeches linking the scenes, the play cannot possibly be answered p”uppets. It’s very much in the Footlights promises to uphold deliver consistency as with the word ‘yes’. Look to us frame, sort of surrealist but at the same well as gory laughs. to determine your life, we are time accessible comedy. It’s very slapstick Much like Circus last term, Punch and gods. We have beards. at times and kind of dark as well.” Judy provides escape from the rigmarole of Week One sees Punch and “ The play follows Punch through a series Cambridge Easter term. “It’s just going to Judy take to the ADC stage. A AN EXCUSE of scenes involving different grotesque and be a lot of fun; that’s the main objective. comic romp on the ADC stage, exaggerated figures and plays a key role in For both myself and the audience, the play from the fine pens of Eccleshare TO USE THE transforming the childlike simplicity of the is an escape route. It’s not at all challeng- (T) and Owens (L), Punch and puppet show into something more sophis- ing, but at the same time it’s stimulating.” Judy promises to be rompingly WORD ticated. “Punch is basically an everyman It’s in the spirit of such light-hearted comic and theatrical. More ‘WILDEAN’ and is trapped in the context of the play. escapism that I’m allowing myself to finish theatricality from The Birthday All the other characters are sort of dement- on: Party, which will garner poor ed, depraved stereotypes, leaving Punch a Punch and Judy (no strings attached). reviews, but will have its great- beleaguered hero who consequently ness recognised in retrospect. launches into these violent episodes,” Betsy Punch and Judy is on at the ADC next week On to Week Two, in which ”Fellows’ gardens. An excuse to The Audition promises to be use the word ‘Wildean,’ this ‘spikey’ and, we are sure, will be foppishly theatrical. The theatrical. Also on, GCSE Jungle Book, by colonialist favourite Our Country’s Good: Scout leader Rudyard Kipling, everyone’s minds at the promises to be modernised, All the glamour of a kitchen sink moment are quaking with rocked up and travestied (but fervour about how they will he does make exceedingly good recreate aborigines and a black cakes). Also Tales from Ovid (a Natalie Woolman looks at the rebirth of Harold Pinter person without possessing the platypus who lived on an island resources of either aborigines or in a cartoon) and The Tempest he enfant terrible of the 1960s has uncomfortably aware of the feelings of march to the office of a good psychothera- a black person. Far Away, a (which is a kind of weather). In made his comeback, and Cambridge malevolence that he seems to conjure; feel- pist. The jarring relationship between the jolly Caryl Churchill play is the summary, then: theatrical. Tseems to be enjoying the intense ings that can be attributed neither to inner and outer selves of characters such as ADC late show, in all its theatri- You’re weeping, aren’t you? silences around his kitchen sinks even more language nor action, but something more Aston in The Caretaker invite intrusive decon- cal glory. Mmm… theatrical. Asking “why must I be deprived than the rest of the world. Over the last year, insightful, and less definable; an atmosphere. struction from the audience, force us into the of theatre once I leave this at least one of his major works has been Catherine Maddox, one half of the direc- chair of the therapist and demand discussion crumbling city for Summer?” staged every term, and next week’s The Birth- torial team behind The Birthday Party, echoed in the bar afterwards. It is indeed like Well, actually, you might not day Party will ensure we are not starved of this when she explained how Pinter’s intro- Oppression’s vaults have been thrown open. be. For: Edinburgh! Recently, the awkward silences and psychological spective dramas work. “The happenings are The choice of Pinter as the Nobel winner, “ a Fringe has been set up for the menace this term. So, is it just the gleam of often farcical, comedic - a character walks despite the fact he has not written a major LOOK TO US International Festival, and Pinter’s new laurels, the gilt edging of his around playing a drum, there are arguments dramatic work since 1978 (his last major some Cambridge students are winning the Nobel Prize for literature, that over the breakfast toast. However, underly- work is generally considered to be Betrayal) TO joining the small group of dedi- has seduced us back to the kitchen sink? Or ing everything that happens, there are raised several highbrow brows, but if the cated left-wingers making this what exactly is Pinter’s appeal? deeper issues that aren't initially evident.” renaissance in Cambridge is anything to go DETERMINE pipe-dream a pipe-reality. When announcing Pinter’s award, Horace This demands insight from director and cast: by, it seems this is, deservedly, just the begin- YOUR LIFE, A Letter Which Never Engdahl, Chairman of the Swedish sometimes in the ‘fashion’ for such kitchen ning of a wide Pinter revival. We have once Reached Russia is based on Academy, said that Pinter was a writer “who dramas and their suitability for a venue like more become enchanted with the grimy WE ARE Nabakov’s writing. It promises in his plays uncovers the precipice under the Corpus Playroom it is all too easy to surface of the kitchen sink. to be intensely theatrical, everyday prattle and forces entry into forget how difficult and frustrating his work GODS. WE devised, physical, circussy, slap- oppression’s closed rooms.” Certainly, is. His characters are often the ones, if played The Birthday Party is on next week at the sticky and good. But Nabakov anyone who has seen a Pinter play will be well, you want to slap around the face and Corpus Playroom at 7pm HAVE did once write about a kiddy fiddler: so be warned. The BEARDS Footlights will be not theatrical, but funny with their show Niceties. This will tour. It is a tour show. The Just by Camus ” will happen. The Future by Now for Week Three. funny Jonny Sweet and Joe Terrific! Much Ado About funny Thomas will happen. Nothing, will provide some Grow Up by the three Toms and much needed Bardom amongst more funny people will the academic Boredom. Ha ha. happen. Bat Boy The Musical At any rate, it will be theatrical. and Alice Through the Looking Kenneth Branagh thinks it’s Glass will happen. So, many great. Then an exciting Sam things will happen. You will Shephard play, States of Shock. forget all this, so ask somebody Not to be confused with the to remind you nearer the time. Sham Shephard play, Shtatesh That’s it from us. We wish of Shock – which is perhaps you heaving theatricality with more theatrical, but certainly all our godly pores. 28.04.06 Arts Varsity 25

La Double Vie D’Atta Chui C.R.A.Z.Y ##### Sam Law enjoys a homegrown film about second chances

ocal director Atta Chui’s recent Admirably, Chui refuses to conclude Donnie Darko than more standard film, La Double Vie (Double Life) was his picture as a ‘be happy with what amateur fare. Lshowcased in Europe last month you’ve got’ morality tale. Instead the Although shot entirely on digital and is this week being shown at video, Chui manages to blend the artful Emmanuel on April 30th. and engaging styles of European and The piece is a fascinating collaboration Asian cinema, showing both the confi- between local filmmakers and students dence and finesse to allow minimalist and will make the perfect study break “ touches, such as lingering shots of for those of us who don’t want our CHUI REFUSES TO rippling water, that punctuate emotion- imaginations’ cogs to stop whirring CONCLUDE HIS PICTURE ally charged scenes with moments of completely in our time away from the stillness. It is perhaps this ability to do library. AS A ‘BE HAPPY WITH so much with so little that constitues the The film’s plot focuses on one rela- WHAT YOU’VE GOT’ TALE film’s greatest strength. tionship that is split into separate To an extent, through calculated timelines across two strands of narrative direction and editing, Chui has managed he tag line, “Growing up Michel Côté, is a macho man possibility. If this sounds confusing, then to realise the high concept of the film in this family, you’d and expects the same from the most important thing to remember without requiring explication through Thave to be C.R.A.Z.Y” did his sons. about this film is that it raises the ques- ”director has chosen to weave in complex dialogue. not sound promising (a little In representing Zac’s strug- tion: if you could go back and relive themes of alternate reality more akin to Cinematic devices and restraints are too much like Cheaper by the gle with his sexuality, Boulay your life, could you make anything any Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and all wielded to the filmmaker’s advantage Dozen) and certainly did not has created an idiosyncratic better? with the handheld camera achieving an belie C.R.A.Z.Y’s impressive world for the Beaulieu family authentic aesthetic. Also, the action is ‘indie’ credentials. The film that manages to seem both backed by an interesting musical score has enjoyed success in its hip quirky and believable. which, although occasionally verging Despite the fact that his Dad on overbearing, ultimately enhances belts out Charles Aznavour the movie’s dreamlike feel. “classics” at every family get- Carrying the spirit of the film though together, Zac’s home life is is leading lady Jenny Peachy, whose “THE FILM AVOIDS not unusual to the point quietly seductive, yet simultanouesly POTENTIAL where you cannot identify inquisitive turn is the emotional heart with his dilemma. of the piece. Her strength mirrors that SUGARINESS TO The direction also adheres of the film itself as she is at her obvi- HIT MOMENTS OF to the same feel for the plau- ous best when silent; communicating sible, and the visuals are quite with her features rather than the GREAT POIGNANCY gutsy. Yet there are flaws. The script. film’s last half hour would As we move towards the end, the benefit from some serious film maintains its steady and thought- editing, and at times director ful pace and, despite an ”hometown, Quebec, and at Jean-Marc Vallée is a little too uncharacteristically outlandish climax the Toronto Film Festival, and patronising in his keenness to where the dream briefly turns to for good reason too. spell out his points. nightmare, we are left pondering François Boulay’s semi- To the film’s credit, it what the outcome would have been autobiographical script tells avoids potential sugariness to as much as the characters do them- the story of Zac (Marc-André hit moments of great selves. Grondin), a stuggling gay poignancy. C.R.A.Z.Y doesn’t Overall this is a truly fascinating teenager growing up in cop out and go “aww” - piece of work, which eschews overly French Canada. Zac is born instead, it maintains a flashy cinematography in favour of a the fourth son of the five surprisingly sharp sense of hugely impressive plot and the formi- Beaulieu boys. humour making for a witty, dable ability of its lead. Mysterious His mother dotes on him often bizarre, and deeply La Double Vie is showing on Sunday 30th and ponderous, Atta Chui’s project and swears he is blessed with enjoyable film that is definite- April, 7:30pm in the Queens Building, is one to watch, then think about, the gift to heal, but his father, ly worth watching. Emmanuel College. and then rewatch. played by the excellent Izzy De Rosario

The Possibility Of An Island ##### A load of crockery, and curtains Tod Hartman reviews Michel Houellebecq’s latest Olivia Humphreys reviews Alain de Botton at Wordfest central laboratory. designed to shock, there is the o ugly carpets have the the bleakly drab and colour- He touched lightly but The narrative switches sense that Houellebecq really power to make us less highrises of the Paris thought-provokingly on a between modern-day protago- does fancy himself a kind of Dunhappy? Following banlieues make their inhabi- multitude of topics, including nist Daniel 1, and his modern Everyman, a voice The Art of Travel and The tants more apt to riot? what makes a building beau- neo-human descendants saying what people want to say Consolations of Philosophy, the Promoting The Architecture of tiful and whether Daniels 24 and 25. Fortunately but are afraid to because of the “philosopher of the every- Happiness at the Cambridge surrounding ourselves with the bulk concerns the former - constraints placed on their free day” turns his attention to Wordfest, de Botton gave a attractive objects can make us Houellebecq does not excel at speech by feminism, political how much effect our more stimulating talk than any good people, pointing out, for science-fiction. We are told that correctness, and notions of reli- surroundings have on us. lecture I can remember. example, that Hermann in the future the earth has been gious tolerance. Starting from his disheart- Goering was a great art-lover almost entirely bombed and On Planet Houellebecq, ened mood when looking at and devotee of architecture. continents and islands moved everyone seeks sex with pre- the carpet in a Travelodge Another interesting ques- about. But the how and why of pubescent Eastern European room and elation at seeing tion he raises is how much these things remain, for the prostitutes, everyone thinks all the Royal Crescent in Bath, our taste in crockery or most part, frustratingly unclear. religion something less than a de Botton argues that we curtains says about us; de Women have especially joke, and everyone finds death underestimate the influence Botton argues convinc- unfortunate destinies in an attractive option once they that architecture and interior ingly that much about Houellebecq’s books - The Possi- have reached an age when design has over our our personality, politics, ichel Houellebecq, bility of an Island is no their sexual powers have emotions. aspirations and back- considered by many to exception. As in his previous become diminished. Back on People often equate ground can be deduced Mbe France’s most influ- novels, hapless female charac- Planet Earth, however, these contentment with abstract from such things. ential contemporary novelist, ters commit suicide as soon as things are not necessarily and invisible matters - but According to the offers us little that is themati- they cease to be sexually attrac- universal – rather, they may then many people choose to book’s dust jacket, de cally new with his latest book: tive to the protagonist, via seem to many like one man’s spend their weekends trawl- Botton rather extrava- the preoccupations with sex, morphine overdose or defenes- slightly depressing, and very ing through DIY stores, gantly “aims to change paedophilia, tyranny of youth, tration. cynical, outlook on life. watching decorating shows the way we think about the fallout from the sixties, Muslims fare no better – That said, when Houellebecq on television or visiting our homes, streets and alienation, and consumerism Houellebecq, who famously is at his best – writing acerbic, National Trust estates. Does ourselves”. that characterised Atomised and declared Islam to be a “the most witty character portraits – he “beautiful architecture prom- Overblown as that claim Platform all dominate. stupid, most false, and most excels. As with his previous ise happiness,” as has been may seem, I left the ADC What is different is that absurd of all religions,” has his novels, The Possibility of an Island argued, suggesting a perfect with a refreshed and invig- action is divided between protagonist, a middle-aged is extremely engaging, almost world so unlike orated interest in my modern day and a surreal, comedian whose sketches take impossible to put down. It is, the one surroundings. Huxleyan, ‘neo-human’ time the concept of ‘politically incor- however, the furthest he can we live 2000 years in the future, where rect’ to new heights, opening take the genre of disenchant- in? people live in shells, communi- shows in Paris entitled ‘Suck ment that he has created – with Do cate only through the internet, My Gaza Strip’ and ‘We Prefer The Possibility of an Island his and reproduce by having clones Palestinian Gang-Bangers.’ traditional themes have been of themselves delivered from a While all this is obviously definitively exhausted. 26 Varsity Arts 28.04.06 Definitely Maybe? Author and Guardian critic John Harris tells Liz Bradshaw why Gordon Brown and The Arctic Monkeys are helping him to get out of bed in the morning

epending on how you “Looking back at it, it was a miners striking, you voted normally get a return of social STREET BEATS look at it, John Harris is really odd period, the climax of Labour, you thought CND was realism when things are LUTAIN MILLI ILLUSTRATION: Deither a discerning man which was the Diana funeral… brilliant, and you hated Mrs economically quite grim, DJ SKETCHY & DJ RIP with musical integrity, or a bit everyone was thinking the Thatcher. And by extension, which they’re not… but I’m of an indie snob. As a music same thing: what’s the matter you hated Duran Duran, quite relieved it has.” Their We’ll start with some plugs columnist on Oxford with you, why aren’t you Spandau Ballet and everybody focus tends to be personal from the end of last term. University’s student newspaper upset; whereas six months else because you thought they rather than political though; Clare Ents ended in a big Cherwell, he resigned in shame before it’d been what’s the were part of the same problem comment rather than a call to way. Remix maestro Eddy after the phrase “term drags on, matter with you, don’t you like as Mrs Thatcher. Which is kind action? He concedes that they Temple-Morris heated MACDONALD up but at least the indie scene’s still Tony Blair, or don’t you like of a pretty fanciful way of lack the central idea that gave the cellars with an incredible kicking” was inserted into one Oasis, or don’t you like foot- thinking, but that’s how you bands like The Jam such appeal set of dance remixes, of his articles. Years later, he ball… there was this looked at the world… there to a generation: “the idea that mashups and more. Notable left his job at the now-defunct tremendously unanimous spirit was an alternative and there things should be better than memory from that evening Select magazine when a similar around it, which at the time was a mainstream, the main- they are, and that we should do was the DJ Deekline remix of display of editorial wankery seemed really exciting, because stream was evil and something about it.” For now, Prodigy’s ‘Outta Space’ – forced him to feature The we’d gone through the 80s and establishment, and the alterna- though, he seems to think the definitely one for the down- Stereophonics, apotheosis of our culture, or what’s called tive was where you belonged”. fact that Britain’s new favourite load! mediocrity, on the front cover the alternative culture, hadn’t And you had bands like The band is making music that This was followed by Welsh with the tag line ‘Band of the gone anywhere. You didn’t Smiths and The Jam, who were actually relates to ordinary wonder High Contrast, king Year, No Contest.’ After leav- hear those records on daytime much more engaged than the people’s lives is a firm step in ing the music press for the “ radio, didn’t read about them likes of Coldplay and their the right direction. of the liquid d’n’b styles. His unique sound absolutely world of freelance journalism, THERE’S NO in the newspapers, and the peers? “Yeah, I mean, I was of Similarly, he argues that as smashed it, with some bril- the Guardian contributer also party that you voted for, an age to be really excited the Blair era approaches its liant hard to get bootlegs, began to “flex his political side” REAL nobody outside the north of about lyrics… I was so lucky to close, there are reasons for including his ‘Gold Digger’ as a writer. England or inner London or have Morrissey around me, some “shredded, guarded, let’s- remix, and Cambridge resi- One of the main themes he COUNTER- wherever seemed particularly Paul Weller when he was in see type optimism” in the dent Logistics’ remix of has dealt with is the way in CULTURE interested in. The Jam, Billy Bragg… who realm of politics. He reels off ‘Dare’, by Gorillaz. High which the sphere of politics So when you reach the point wrote not just sort of crass the usual, slightly tired, narra- Contrast will be back in and national culture has ANYMORE where what you like, and the political lyrics, a lot of it was tive: the Chancellor is “an Cambridge for the King’s become increasingly less differ- party that you voted for, every- keenly observed social ethnically Labour Party Affair in May Week, can’t wait! entiated, with both positive body likes…for about two comment. The idea that music person”, who at the moment Also check out Logistics’ and negative effects. His first years that felt really, really is opposed to the establishment has little choice other than to new single ‘Blackout’, out book, The Last Party, was a exciting.” Until? “Until the and the status quo has just back Blair, but who, he believes now. retrospective critique of the moment of waking up and disappeared.” He compares this from behind-the-scenes Speaking of King’s, their ‘Cool Britannia’ phenomenon ” realising that this fella who to the way in which politics, conversations, is in reality end of term Mingle – the which, strongly allied to the drank champagne with Noel too, has become removed from pretty queasy about things like institution – delivered all the rise of New Labour, defined a Gallagher at Downing Street any real culture of dissent or top-up fees and the ‘choice’ goods. The lineup went back period that was almost perhaps wasn’t the new JFK protest, largely as a result of the agenda. Although it’s a famil- to the original Mingle ethos of “bizarre” in terms of after all.” And that Gallagher absorption of the Labour iar story, and Harris is wary cutting edge styles: dubstep, its apparent wasn’t exactly movement into the centrist “never to make the same d’n’b, broken beat, nu skool cultural Morrissey? “Well, mainstream. “There’s no real mistake I did in 1997, believing breaks, hip-hop, reggae, unity. quite. Providing some- counter-culture anymore. this was the start of some bright minimal house and more. thing for Preston from The Ordinary new dawn”, he believes that if Bugz in the Attic’s Mikey G every- Boys, when he said he wanted Brown was in power, “certain hit the spot with some incred- body to go on Celebrity Big Brother to things would be addressed, and ible broken beat, a sound we to prove that there’s no difference society would be slightly better hope will grow in this city. like between indie and mainstream off, and that might be enough CUSUents’ Urbanite anymore, he was dead right. to make me feel much better ended the term with a does- Everyone lives in the same about a) voting Labour myself stormer. Platinum-selling space now.” and b) probably telling other artist David Banner headed Isn’t that quite false, though, people, with a heavy heart, to over after a show at The especially in socio-economic do the same.” He certainly Junction with grime fave n’t terms? Harris concurs, and hopes he won’t have to write a Kano. He and his tour DJ make indeed this brings us onto similar book in 2009. gave Urbanite a show to for another casualty of this I have to confess that Harris remember. Look out for some very phenomenon. Like many doesn’t really provide me with big nights at Urbanite this inter- people, his hostility to New the answers I’m looking for. term, including an end of term esting Labour is motivated by the He dismisses the vacuity of May Week special. music. belief that in moving to occupy Cameron’s Conservatives, This term’s not the most It’s no the centre ground it has aban- whose policies, he argues, exciting ents wise - for some coinci- doned its traditional supporters amount to little more than “we reason these exams got dence and increasingly forgotten should all love each other and people thinking they shouldn’t that from “everything that ever brought have Sunday roasts and go be going out! Anyway, a the spec- [him] into contact with it.” swimming at weekends”, and couple of nice things to start tacle of With the 2005 General Election doesn’t have much time for the term off. Some healthy Noel approaching, Harris, feeling George Galloway and what he d’n’b at Kings Cellars cour- Gallagher sitting “bleak and isolated”, set to refers to as the ‘hard Left’, tesy of Cambridge’s favourite there on his stool work on his second book So whose stance he describes as DJ D. Guaranteed mashup. playing Now Who Do We Vote For?, in “why calmly state your posi- Emma Bar are pulling out all ‘Wonderwall’ to which he detailed the opposi- tion when you can imperil the stops next week with a bit 100,000 people, all of tion to policies such as PFI, your career by coming out with of help from CUSUents. UK whom had their ciga- top-up fees, and the Iraq war, these ridiculous dramatic Grime Allstars featuring DJ rette lighters in the air, and looked at the electoral soundbites that sound like Cameo (1Xtra) & Skepta (Roll you then got all these awful options for disaffected Labour something out of the last act of Deep) hit town for what prom- groups like Keane, Coldplay supporters like himself. His Macbeth?” So there’s no real ises to be a night of old school and Travis…that’s where that arguments might not be partic- sense of what the alternatives Funk da Bar madness – sweat went.” ularly original, but, like his are if this ‘wait and see’ from the walls expected! This period was a stark columns, the book proved approach doesn’t quite work The Junction have got a contrast from what had gone popular because it articulated out. treat for us on May 25th with before. “In the 80s, every- things that many people were However, Harris argues that Mr Scruff’s Keep it Unreal thing was cut down the feeling, and made them feel as politics should be a question of Tour. Known for his esoteric middle. If you liked though they weren’t alone in “what can we do to extract the & unusual production and 7 indie music, you their frustration. best possible deal for the people hour DJ sets, this will be a were in I ask Harris what, if at the bottom of the heap?”, funky night of Ninja Tune favour of anything, has changed since a and that this relies upon both a madness. Warning’s back on the year ago? Do we have anything certain realism and a certain June 10th – perfect end of to feel more positive about? optimism: “So for now, the idea exams celebration for some On the music front, he believes that come the arrival of Gordon of you. Monster lineup, that we are now seeing a Brown the Labour Party will featuring Planet Pendulum, return to social realist lyrics, align itself slightly differently Andy C, Adam F and more. with bands like The Arctic just about gets me out of bed And who can forget the Monkeys, The Rakes, and in the morning. But I reserve madness of May Week. Have Hard-Fi. “I’m not sure why it’s the right to hide under my a good term, everyone. happened, because you duvet in a year’s time.” 28.04.06 Arts Varsity 27 Strawberry Fair Forever Varsity Music dip their muddy wellies into the vast pool of Festival know-how

lastonbury’s not BLATHERWICK happening, Reading’s Where to go Gsold out and V, well, V You may not feel like is in Essex. So what’s a festi- substituting work for party- val lover to do? Strawberry Fair ing as your exam entry Given they’re all on TV Where: Midsummer forms arrive, but its always anyway, you could just pitch Common nice to have the that tent in your living room, When: 3rd June option, so, starting with crack open the lukewarm Who: Artists signed to tributes and ending with Barnstormer and sing along, Rough Trade, but not quite. appreciation, here's a while every so often sprin- Actually expect a multitude loved-up guide to the term kling yourself liberally with of local acts. Still good, ahead. a watering can to produce though Pushing the standard of that authentic rain-drenched Should expect: The great live music in Cambridge effect. unwashed, dogs looking like beyond recognition, Bad Or you could follow their owners, the smug few Timing bring us the double Varsity’s definitive guide to who have finished their bill of Venetian Snares the country’s small festivals exams, in a euphoric, alcohol (sample song: ‘Winnipeg is (some of them are even in induced daze. a Frozen Shithole’) and Cambridge). While you’re at Must Take: Valium. It will ‘Scotch Egg’ (again!), for a it, don’t forget your festival stop you from thinking about crazy international junglist manners, and if all else fails, your looming papers, and party on June 5th at the just imagine that you’re at prevent you from grabbing Soul Tree. They follow it up our ultimate fantasy festival. the glow stick from the with the return of Ariel Beats straining to hear hands of your exam-free Pink, the only man who Keane from four miles back friend and shoving it up their can look like a star from while some bastard pisses in nose. the back of the Portland a cup then throws it over the Price: FREE Arms (June 14th). Gifts and crowd behind you in a presents to Green Mind, as ‘comedy’ manner. they present us with the Soledad Brothers ripping Cornbury blues shaped holes in our Where: Charlbury, hearts on May 23rd at the Oxfordshire Soul Tree. Further praise to What When: 8th and 9th July thepress office at The Who: Goldrush, Texas, Junction for dealing with to do Robert Plant, The Pretenders, the ineptitude of student The Waterboys journalist organisation Send a group of pliable Should expect: Deer on The Big Busk every week. Alongside the friends ahead to bagsy bumper cars, farmers chew- Where: The mean streets of sold out Dirty Pretty a whole field and suit- ing straw, ghosts in woods Cambridge Things and Kooks, they ably piss off all the other and gourmet food. Yum. When: 13th May will be entertaining indus- festival goers. Must Take Item: College Who: Maybe you? trial rock pioneers Killing Scarf. Let all those Oxford Should expect: A busking Joke (May 8th) and The It’s morally acceptable to dwellers know that you’re filled day. The clue’s in the Divine Comedy (17th steal booze from some- clever too. If you’re lucky title. Come and have your May), as well as Reggae one else’s tent if you’ve you and your friends will eyes and ears opened as superstars Toots and The just helped them to put it earn the nickname of ‘the Amnesty strives to make us Maytals on June 19th. Still up. champagne delegates from all more aware. on top after forty years, cockbridge’. Must Take Item: An old they come highly recom- Never accept anything from Price: £80 full festival hat that can become an Cambridge Folk mended; the gig was strangers who tell you that impromptu coin basket, and Festival rearranged, maybe for they’ve just taken 15 Es and Festival authori- a coin filled purse to get your Where: Cherry Hinton Hall those with exams the seen Jesus in their kitchens. ties don’t take kindly to false charitable collection going. Grounds following day, as I doubt alarms.. Summer Sundae Price: FREE When: 27th-30th July the fumes will aid neuro- Tipping over Portaloos with Where: Leicester. Who: The Chieftains, logical functions. They also people in them is not ok. Don’t hog the sink for half an When: 11th-13th August Emmylou Harris, have the NME New Bands hour while you wash your Who: Belle and Sebastian, Chumbawamba, The Broken tour on May 16th, although But peeing behind cars is. hair. Everyone else is dirty. The Long Blondes, Forward, Family Band, Cerys why The Long Blondes Russia! Delays, Gomez, Creamfields Matthews, Richard are opening the show I'm No matter how drunk you are, Don’t go and then not listen Martha Wainwright, Elbow Where: Daresbury Estate, Thompson not sure, since they're don’t dirty dance to the Black to any bands. It’s not big and Should expect: Rock n Roll Cheshire Should expect: A relaxed clearly the best band on Eyed Peas at 12pm in the it’s not clever. You can get but without the drugs and When: 26th August atmosphere, men in frocks, the bill. Forward Russia! afternoon. Remember you’re pissed on Carling anytime. sex. There will be facepaints Who: The World’s Best DJs! endless earthy ways, fights are fairly snazzy post-punk cool back home. And it instead. Should expect: Sweaty over the best tree to sit schtick, but they're no might appear on TV. Do make use of the text-in Must Take Item:Viagra. bods, luminous waistcoats, under, children in tie dye. match to The Princesses feature on the big screen to Input the sex and drugs in glow paint, poppers Must Take Item: Child from Sheffield. Last time I Remember where your tent embarrass your friends. That one fell swoop Must Take Item: Earplugs, repellent spray. saw them they gave me is. is big, and clever. Cost: £75 full festival you decide why. Cost: £86 full festival tonsillitis. That good. You'll Price: £56 have to be down early to catch them though. At the Soul Tree on May 14th give thanks, for we are present- Easter album roundup ed with house-techno Wish we’d witnessed - festival moments producer Josh Wink; you may know him for 'Higher The first single from The rich and famous’ theme inter- The Smiths rendition of ‘Can’t Stand Me ance of ‘Happiness...’, Paul’s State of Consciousness'. Futureheads’ News and Tributes esting enough to sustain 40 The crowd witnesses Morrissey Now’ turns S&M. ‘warm gun’, less than inadver- Finally; student nights! promised much, but despite minutes. On Morrissey’s Ring- whole-heartedly embracing his tently reveals his true feelings. Unbelievable amount of ‘Skip to the End’’s sublime leader of the Tormentors, Tony homosexuality. Highlights of the Beck Just to clarify – We are not appreciation for those who slow jam, the rest, though Visconti’s best efforts can’t set include a duet with political Backed by a huge funk band implying that Paul McCartney is find time to run these this passable, is unexciting. Less sustain interest in our hero’s genius Will Young, and a guest sporting Noddy Holder-esque a necrophiliac. Incensed by The term. First we have trendy but far more interest- sex life. In desperation, then, I appearance from David footwear and clad in glittery Arctic Monkeys being called the Kambonan2a (May 3rd) at, ing, The Zutons’ Tired of turn to Gnarls Barkley for ‘Chameleon’ Cameron. As Dave spandex. The set comes to an ‘new Beatles’, John came back um, The Kambar, featuring Hanging Around knocks off innovation, and am pleasantly bursts onto the stage, Morrissey impromptu halt as the stage is from the dead to give them a student bands and DJ's, their more distinctive edges, surprised. St. Elsewhere is a breaks into ‘Margaret on the invaded by Tom Cruise, plus good musical seeing to - and got further on the May 11th it's but retains the feel-good genuinely original album. But Guillotine’. Sublime backing wife and child, John Travolta, one of his own. the Ponanza and finally on charm of Who Killed The Zutons. who will save music? Will it be vocals come from the soon to be Juliette Lewis and countless Suicide Sunday it's the The Hardest Way to Make An Dirty Pretty Things, whose infamous ‘Dirty Tory Things’ other Scientologist nutters. The Prince Soul Treat with nine hours Easy Living by The Streets is ‘Bang Bang You’re Dead’ Zack Goldsmith, Oliver Letwin crowd are then ‘treated’ to Prince knows that festivals of performers. Possibly a another case of ‘more of the suggests there’s more to life and William Hague. They wow passages from ‘Dianetics’, all aren’t just about music but world exclusive in being same, I’m getting bored of after Libertines than head- the crowds with indie boy danc- read to a soundtrack serenely also grubby and regrettable the first festival to be held this.’ While the sonic inven- lines? Or will it be The ing and tight leather jackets. provided by Beck and his now ‘romantic’ unions, so he gives on three floors. And by the tion of tracks like ‘Prangin’ Raconteurs, whose upcoming less than happy funksters. the crowd some LSD-laced time you're reading this, Out,’ and ‘When You wasn’t album Broken Boy Soldiers has The Libertines oysters and encourages them King's should be having a Famous,’ still make it worth a been described as Detroit’s A half hour slot climaxes with The Beatles to get down to some sweet D'n'B night tonight. listen, Skinner’s wit can’t answer to Nevermind? I’ll have Pete and Carl’s sexual tension We all know why Paul really lovin’ to a background of ‘Gett Rammed then… render the ‘poor me, I’m so to keep listening to see. finally spilling over, as a heated hated Yoko. During a perform- Off’. 28 Varsity Arts 28.04.06 Teaching a more equal music Francis Letschka meets The Endellion Quartet, as they coach, cultivate and collaborate with Cambridge’s student chamber musicians he Endellion Quartet is be described as experimental, the Quartet in Residence whether it is Beethoven or Tat the University of Thomas Adès. Great music, Cambridge. Not a lot of people and the performance of great THE CLASSICAL know that, but the work they music, should have a blend of do with undergraduate instru- intellectual, spiritual and COLUMN mentalists is crucially emotional values – and that is JAMES DRINKWATER important to the development what we try and achieve”. of musicians and to the musi- Although we may be in eturning from the cal life of Cambridge as a what The Gramophone maga- provinces to whole. zine described as 'the RCambridge really is I spoke to Andrew platinum age for string quar- like jumping forward a Watkinson, leader of the quar- tets', with more and more hundred years as far as tet, and to Clare Hammond, a recordings being released and concert programmes are third-year Muso at Emma and more and more young musi- concerned (though hygiene keyboard finalist in the 2004 cians forming string quartets and dietary standards may BBC Young Musician of the and chamber groups, follow a reverse trend). Year, in advance of a concert Watkinson would like to see Even in Manchester, with on 24th May in which Clare more Cambridge students at the Hallé, the BBC Phil, and will join three of the members the Endellion's concerts. the Camerata, you’re stuck of the quartet to play Mozart's While he sees the massive with programmes of Dvorak Piano Quartet in E-flat K493. amount of Classical music and Brahms that Shaw’s wit Collaborating with students is performance at Cambridge as could have cut through with something the Endellion likes a ‘strength' he believes that disappointing ease. to do once a year: “There's “the standard is not as high as Of course, chorally is only so much coaching you it could be because there is too where the greatest dispari- can do from the outside”, says much playing going on and ty lies. This very Sunday, Andrew Watkinson” - the best not much listening or practice. the impressive CU way of coaching young instru- It is quite amazing for groups Chamber Choir, under mentalists is to actually play to come along [to coaching Daniel Hyde (30th April, with them”. sessions] and only just 8.30PM, Jesus Chapel, £4) Clare herself is thrilled at manage to get to the end of a present Frank Martin’s the prospect of playing with piece, and then say ‘We uniquely-voiced double- the quartet, as she sees her and working with them, which includes six concerts in played that in a concert last chorus 1922/6 Mass, future as a soloist and cham- although I wouldn't want to Cambridge each academic week'.” alongside Josquin motets. ber musician. She has already be stuck in the same group all year, next year featuring all If more and more students Swiftly following, the silver- been involved with chamber my career”. Clare sees cham- Beethoven quartets, works in Cambridge take up throated Sagittarian music in Cambridge, playing ber music as a great way of which they are currently Waterman's challenge and Consort redeem a Mozart in piano trios as part of the getting into the professional “ releasing on CD. Eschewing listen more, practice more and Requiem with a Bach Instrumental Awards Scheme, music scene, especially with THE BEST WAY the glamourous image of raise the standards of playing, Easter cantata on 1st May on which the Endellion accompanying, which OF COACHING quartets such as the Kronos the future seems bright for (8PM, Trinity Chapel, £5), coaches, but also outside the although “not good for [her] STUDENTS IS TO and Brodsky, Andrew chamber music in this coun- before embarking upon the university, including accom- playing”, is “very satisfying as Watkinson is keen not to paint try. Pierre Boulez's famous latter’s better-known D panying the Norwegian chamber music, but can be ACTUALLY PLAY the quartet as having a wholly declaration in the 1960s that Magnificat, Charpentier’s violinist Henning Kraggerud, demeaning if the soloist acts WITH THEM intellectual approach to the “The string quartet is dead” is Te Deum and Schütz helping him to try out new too much as a soloist”. music: “We are interested in appearing more and more motets for 15th June (8PM, violins. “I would love to be Coaching at Cambridge is experimenting as long as the ludicrous; especially in the John’s Chapel, £5). involved in chamber music, as just a small part of the quality of music is paramount. face of such enthusiasm and Interestingly, Dr. Jones’ I love meeting new people Endellion Quartet's work, Much of our repertoire could evangelism in Cambridge. Handel Opera Group, in its non-production year, offers ” an evening of secular solo What were you afraid of? cantatas and trio and violin When I was Cars. sonatas with professional You should get art more soprano Ann Mackay (6th Who were your heroes? May, West Road, £2- stand- Estella Shardlow selects the top 5 sights to see this Term Chris Morris. And Mohammed by). However, top prize for al-Sahaaf, Iraqi Minister of obscurity goes to CU3E, Information – we used to tune the Baroque Ensemble, for inspired by those seen in 21 in every day during the war to unearthing Monteverdi’s Jerusalem on the Crusades. Was see what he’d said. ‘Combattimento di Tancredi constructed by a Dan Brown- et Clorinda’, helpfully esque military monk group Dan Stevens Where did you spend most described by ‘New Grove’ called the Fraternity of the Holy of your evenings? The as an ‘opuscolo in genere Sepulchre. Another fraternity Castle. Every Monday, howev- rappresentativo’(?). was responsible for restoring the er, we’d have ‘Chevalier Night’ Fortunately, another church in the 19th century, at the Fez. The house wine, Bach cantata will place us when it was taken up by the ‘Chevalier de la Tour’ was £10 in more familiar territory. Hamden Society, a club of a bottle. We’d lean across the Worth seeing just for the T- undergrad Gothic Revivalists. bar and ask for “Your finest shirt! (16th June, 7PM, WR, bottle of Chevalier”. £3). There are certainly big 3. Tarquin & Lucretia guns blazing orchestrally – by Titian Where had you travelled to? none perhaps bigger than 1. King’s College Chapel An example of one of many 4. Kettle’s Yard Slovakia – I filmed there in the Bruckner’s Seventh Fair enough, it’s pretty hard to famous Old Master works Still your best opportunity to see summer before I turned 21. Symphony, replete with miss but how many of you have housed in the Fitzwilliam. Titian the work of 20th century artists Wagner tubas (24th June, actually explored inside? This captures a violent, dramatic in Cambridge. Contains work by What are you ashamed of 8PM, Trinity Chapel – the building results from several scene from the writings of Livy, Henry Moore, Barbara having done? I have no ideal acoustic!). generations of royal patronage in which the King of Rome Hepworth and Ben Nicholson Dan Stevens has just finished shame. No less bold at the start (reflected in the transition in forces himself upon the chaste among others. Was formerly filming Alan Hollinghurst’sThe of term is CUMC’s architectural styles from the east Lucretia, who confesses the inci- home of Jim and Helen Ede and Line of Beauty, in which he What was your most politi- Beethoven Violin Concerto to west side) founded by Henry dent to her husband and has retained that tranquil, plays the lead role, Nick Guest. cal action? Breaking the (Melody Chen) with the VI in 1446 and completed some commits suicide. domestic feeling as furniture picket line to hear Le Pen at orchestral version of 70 years later by Henry VIII. and ornaments mingle with fine the Union. I wasn’t a fascist Bartok’s Sonata for two Join the tourists and choristers art. Still makes a refreshing When were you 21, and what but wanted to hear one speak pianos and percussion (5th to witness the marvellous Tudor change from the stuffy and were you doing? Not very and believed in the right of a May, 8PM, WR, £3). heraldry, Rubens' Adoration of impersonal environment of long ago. 2003. I was starting platform. It was incredible. CUCO (under David Hill) the Magi and sky-scraping fan typical museums. my final year, reading English The Socialist Workers almost go all French with Fauré vaulting, which together defi- at Emmanuel. thumped me for going in. (the overshadowed Pelléas nitely do justice to that 5. The Doriphoros and Mélisande suite), jazzy impressive gothic exterior. by Polykleitos Who was your best friend? I What did you hope to be? Milhaud (‘La Création du Displayed in the Classics Faculty had three very good mates, An actor, of course! Monde’) and Messiaen 2. The Round Church Museum of Archeology, this Pete, Lec and Tom – we had a (‘Trois petites liturgies’). Positioned along Bridge Street statue is regarded as the climax lot of adventures. What do you wish you had And if none of this satisfies, (next to the Union site), the of the ancient Greeks’ attempts known then that you know then you can always get a oldest church in Cambridge; a to obtain physical and anatom- What were your illegal activi- now? That if I’d worked a tiny train (via Ipswich) to Snape Norman building breaking from ical perfection. The result is a ties? Am I allowed to say bit harder I could probably Maltings, you lucky Anglian! the cross-shaped format of most marble replica of the 'ideal’ now? Let’s say I burnt the have got a first. Western churches, most likely male body. evidence. Emily Stokes 28.04.06 Arts Varsity 29 Pick of the Week The essential events of the next seven days... and the best of the rest

Travesties Emmy the Great Punch & Judy Amnesty 1:1 at Kettle’s Paradise Now Control Arms Yard By Tom Stoppard. A combi- Emerging folk-rocker, By Thomas Eccleshare and The Control Arms Inspired by Borges’ tale on Too easily dismissed as a nation of political history, with a fringe designed to Lisa Owens. This interpre- campaign is pressuring the pitfalls of representation, token Nominee for Best artistic debate and artistic manipulate boys with tation of the well-loved the government to 1:1 presents works sharing Foreign Language Oscar, reminisces, you’ll come out embarassing penchants children’s puppet show support an agreement on an interest in the use of the Paradise Now eschews soap- for skinny jeans. Catch will probably turn kids of this well armed for a her (relatively) unique into mass-murderers. the International Arms one-to-one scale. Through boxing in favour of a date with a bastard. The brand of pithy and Follow Punch as he Trade Treaty. A lobby will sound and photographic devastating, even-handed character of Henry Carr propulsive acoustic sound cavorts, or fights, a memo- be held at Parliament on installations, drawing, prints portrayal of the lives of two remembers “Great days, before men in suits and rable cast of whores, Wednesday 10th of May. and a giant photogram, six lifelong friends and suicide Zurich during the war. CAPITALISM do, man. doctors and constables all Free coach transport will artists will frighten you and bomber recruits in Palestine. Refugees, spies, exiles, One for all you despica- across the ADC stage, be provided. Agitational. inhibit your child-bearing Tense and beautifully shot, painters, poets, writers, radi- ble culture-whoring making you laugh and potential. Recommended. you won’t leave the cinema cals of all kinds.” bohemians. bleed all at once. with your nails intact. ADC, 7.45pm, Tue 2nd - Sat The Soultree, Wednesday 4 ADC, 11pm, Wed 3rd - Sat 6th Mail Chloe Sackur at Kettle’s Yard, 8th April - 21st May, Showing all week at the Arts 6th, £4. May, 9pm, £4/5. May, £4. [email protected] for details. free entry Picturehouse

The Birthday Party Auditions Arts Picturehouse Code Unknown (15): 21:15 Lemming (15): 12:30, 15:15, 18:00, Majnoun New Zealand Arts The fourth offering from Pasikifa Styles, a new exhi- Harold Pinter in Cambridge Marlowe Society May Week Friday 28th April 20:50 Blasts the Western image of Iran C.R.A.Z.Y. (15): 14:15, 19:00 Paradise Now (15): 17:15 through the roof in a surreal, hilari- bition at the Museum of Arch this year, perhaps this is our Tales from Ovid Cockles and Muscles (15): 14:00, 20:45 Shooting Dogs (15): 15:00 ous collision of images, music and and Anth, unites the new wave way of celebrating his Nobel Sat 29 Apr 1-5pm ADC bar Future Shorts April 2006 Programme (n/c): The Double Life Of Veronique (15): 16:30 of provocative Maori and Transamerica (15): 12:00 text, and they’re Iranian so they’re Prize year! ‘The Birthday Sun 30 Apr 1-5pm ADC bar Late Show 23:00 not racist. Go see! Pacific arts and culture emerg- Party’ is Pinter's most Lemming (15): 12:00, 14:45, 17:30, 20:15 Wednesday 3rd May Cambridge Junction, ing from New Zealand with famous play. It is set at a Cambridge University Paradise Now (15): 21:30 extraordinary historical collec- Shooting Dogs (15): 12:00, 16:45 C.R.A.Z.Y. (15): Big Scream 11:00, 16:00 Wednesday May 3, £6 remote seaside hotel, in Broadway Savoyards, Cockles and Muscles (15): 14:30, 21:15 tions. Think world music but which two visitors decide to Solaris (PG): Late Show 22:50 Edinburgh Show Transamerica (15): 12:00, 18:10 Lemming (15): 15:15, 18:00, 20:50 Moazzam Begg - on LOADS better. Honestly. throw a birthday party for the BAT BOY! -The Musical Paradise Now (15): 16:30, 21:20 University of Cambridge Shooting Dogs (15): 13:45, 18:40 Guantanamo hotel's only lodger. Events, Sat 29 Apr, 12-5pm, Munby Saturday 29th April The former Guantanamo Bay Museum of Archaeology and however, take a menacing C.R.A.Z.Y. (15): 14:00, 18:45 The Double Life Of Veronique (15): Big Room, King’s College Scream 11:00 detainee will talk about his three Anthropology from 6 May turn. A psychological thriller. Sun 30 Apr, 12-5pm, Munby Cockles and Muscles (15): 14:00, 20:45 until February 2006. Lemming (15): 12:00, 14:45, 17:30, 20:15 Transamerica (15): 12:00, 18:50 year detention, two years of Tues 2nd - Sat 6th May, 7.45pm, Room, King’s College which were spent in solitary Corpus Christi Playroom, £4. Paradise Now (15): 21:15 Shooting Dogs (15): 16:30 Thursday 4th May confinement. He has never been Jeffrey Archer speaks Downing Drama Society Solaris (PG): Late Show 22:50 C.R.A.Z.Y. (15): Silver Screen 12:00 Jeffrey Archer became an MP Cockles and Muscles (15): Silver Screen charged with any crime. Can’t Travesties May Week Show The Double Life Of Veronique (15): 16:00 quip about that. at the age of 29. He stood The character of Henry Carr The Secret Garden Transamerica (15): 18:20 14:30, 21:15 down at the 1974 general Vertigo (PG): Late Show 23:00 Lemming (15): Silver Screen 12:30, Silver Cambridge Union, 6-7pm, takes us back to the confus- Sun 30 April, 3-5pm, Music Screen 15:15, 18:00, 20:50 Wednesday 3 May, £5 for non- election and began his career ing and intriguing world of of Room, Downing College Sunday 30th April Mission: Impossible III (12A): Silver members as an author. Amongst other Zurich of World War I. He Mon 1 May, 7-9pm, Music Brick (15): Free Screening, Members Free Screen 15:00, 18:00, 21:00 things, he lied about loads of remembers meeting figures Room, Downing College Screening 11:00 Shooting Dogs (15): Silver Screen 12:30 stuff for ages. Watch with Transamerica (15): Silver Screen 16:20 1:1 at Kettle’s Yard like Joyce and Lenin, but in C.R.A.Z.Y. (15): 16:15 “In that Empire, the Art of amusement as he gingerly a world of literature and BATS May Week Show Cockles and Muscles (15): 14:00, 20:45 College Films Cartography attained such sidesteps various issues. Like limericks, we find ourselves Lemming (15): 14:45, 17:30, 20:15 perjury. The Tempest Paradise Now (15): 21:15 Perfection that the map of a unsure of whether we are Sat 29 April, 1-4pm, Saraband (15): 12:00 St. John’s single Province occupied the Peterhouse Parlour, 8.45pm, watching memoirs or Queen’s College, Fitzpatrick Shooting Dogs (15): 16:00 Good Night and Good Luck (PG) entirety of a City, and the map of Saturday May 6th. fantasies. Misunderstood The Double Life Of Veronique (15): 18:30 Sunday 30th April, 19.00, 22.00. Hall Sat 29th April. 18.00 , 21.00 Empire, the entirety of a memories or just the Sun 30 April, 1-4pm, The River (Re) (U): 14:15 Province...” Inspired by Borges, Peter Hennessy wandering thoughts of an old Transamerica (15): 18:50 Walk the Line (12A) speaks Queen’s College, Fitzpatrick Vertigo (PG): 12:15 Thu 4th May, 21.00 Luca Bertolo, DE-ABC, Fabio man? Hall Sandri and Luca Vitone have Rather more respectable is the Tues 2nd - Sat 6th May, 7.45pm, Monday 1st May Caius created a series of original works Attlee Professor of ADC, £4. Cambridge Robot Project C.R.A.Z.Y. (15): 14:15, 19:00 Monty Python and the Holy Grail (U) to make your eyeballs palpitate. Contemporary British History Rossum’s Universal Robots Cockles and Muscles (15): 14:30, 21:15 Fri 28th April, 20.30 Kettle’s Yard, 8th April - 21st, at the University of London Lemming (15): 12:30, 15:15, 18:00, 20:50 Hot Shots! (18) and one-time journalist for the Footlights Smoker Fri 28 April, 2-6pm, Fri 5th May, 20.30 The world famous Footlights Room G9, Soc Anth Paradise Now (15): 21:30 THBT: That public New Statesman and the Shooting Dogs (15): 12:00, 16:45 Times, amongst others. Will peddle their comedy wares. Department, Free School The Double Life Of Veronique (15): 19:00 Robinson schools benefit the Will sell out like guns. Wey. Lane Transamerica (15): 12:00 Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride (PG) public be discussing politics, like. Tues 2nd - Sat 6th May, 7.45pm, Sat 29th April. 18.00 , 21.00 Uh oh. Ties at dawn. Worth seeing. ADC, £4. Tuesday 2nd May Howl’s Moving Castle (U) Peterhouse Parlour, 8.45pm, Thu 4th May, 20.00 Cambridge Union, 7.30pm, C.R.A.Z.Y. (15): 18:40 Thursday 4 May Tuesday May 2nd. Cockles and Muscles (15): 14:30, 21:15 stage screen events

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Star Blues Fitzwilliam in Cuppers final win Equestrian Threlfall double puts an end to plucky Pembroke’s dreams of glory returns to FITZWILLIAM 3 action PEMBROKE 0 DEREK VEAL FITZWILLIAM WIN Henrietta Lightfoot CUPPERS

Adam Bracey

GRANGE ROAD was awash with claret and light blue for the Cuppers final, as First Division strugglers Fitzwilliam and surprise package Pembroke vied for the prestigious trophy on a freezing day back in March. FOURTH YEAR Vet student While the First Division Natalie McGoldrick has made title is much coveted, and a speedy return to riding after Churchill were deserved 4 months off following a knee champions, the Cuppers operation. trophy remains the most Over Easter she was select- sought-after in college sport. ed to represent Great Britain The historic trophy, which at the World University has been in existence since Equestrian Championships. 1882, will take pride of place In December 2004, she won somewhere in Fitzwilliam the individual gold medal at College, and here, just as in this biennial event, and so will their run to the final, they Fitz’s players celebrate with the trophy. It was Blues forward Threlfall (top row, second from right) whose goals won the day be heading out to France in were indebted to the goals of June to defend her title. Brendan Threlfall. Fitz had acquitted themselves in front, after good work by Threlfall went through again from a corner, after the ball Natalie, who has two endured a poor league well, though they lacked any their impressive, leggy from a long punt downfield, had rebounded off the cross- young horses, will also be season, winning only one real cutting edge. The occa- centre-forward. and showed why he is so bar. That was that. representing Britain at the game in nine, but Threlfall’s sion seemed to be affecting After such a good spell it valuable to Fitz, as his pace Fitz captain John-Michael Student Riders Nations Cup in availability in Cuppers both sets of players as Fitz will have pained them that took him beyond the Cheshire received the trophy Zurich in two weeks’ time. improved their prospects laboured, their attacks easily they conceded a goal to Fitz Pembroke defence, and he and can reflect on a season “I also have one of my own dramatically. repelled by Pembroke’s just as the game seemed to lifted the ball over the goal- of glory. Much of last year’s Pembroke should be defence. The supporters be pusing towards a tense keeper again. championship-winning side commended for their superb were providing much of the climax. In the event, Fitz Cue delirium from those had left at the start of the “I’m looking effort. They began the excitement at this stage. strolled to victory. Two long in claret, both in the stands campaign, yet he guided his season in division two, Fitz Pembroke were the balls were the undoing of and on the field. team successfully through a forward to the as division one champions, brighter side at the begin- Pembroke. First, Threlfall Centre half Rory Gallagher messy relegation battle. yet as the sides went in at ning of the second half too, capitalized on indecisive was asked by Fitz supporters Few could deny that Fitz, internationals, half-time, an uninformed testing the handling of goal- goalkeeping to head the ball to give them a wave; he whose defence was not observer would have been keeper Rooney on more into an unguarded goal from obliged, then trotted into breached in their run to the but there’s lots hard-pushed to choose than one occasion, and miss- just inside the penalty area. Pembroke’s penalty box and final, are deserved Cuppers of pressure” between them. Pembroke ing a glorious chance to edge Not two minutes later, headed in Fitz’s third goal winners. horses up with me in Cambridge this term, so I think it will be a pretty busy Blues sailors win BUSA championships couple of months!” she said. Switzerland will be split into three leagues; II came from nowhere to get Natalie’s fourth appearance Cambridge won their league the better of them in the on the British Student team, without dropping a race, as playoff, and took the place. and her last three events have did Oxford and Nottingham, Strong winds on finals day brought back two individual so all three progressed to the made plenty of work for the gold and one silver medal. supergold mini league for bosons, as breakages became The competitions are run as second day, with quarter final fairly frequent. In the mixed a knock-out, with three riders places secured. competition, the supergold competing on the same horse, Cambridge II also teams pick their quarterfinal and the best rider on each had a good day, beating some opposition and sail best of horse going forward to the stiff competition in a difficult three. Cambridge picked next round. field to get into the gold Southampton III, and “Student riding is incredibly league. finished them off easily, 2-0. fair, as it really doesn’t matter In the Ladies competition, Cambridge II were chosen by how much money you have all ten teams raced each other Oxford, and suffered a similar to buy a good horse – it is once in a round robin to fate. judged solely on being able to determine the split between In the semi final, ride different horses,” she the gold and silver league. Cambridge faced explained. Cambridge Ladies won six Southampton I, a slightly Natalie has been riding out of nine races to comfort- unknown quantity due to a since she was seven and now ably win a place in the gold very good helm sailing as a teaches it around Cambridge league. last minute replacement for and at the Vet school in her The second day was a chal- an injured team member, but spare time, to help pay for her lenge for the seconds and were totally unfazed and trips abroad. She is, however, ladies in the gold leagues for defeated them comprehen- now looking for sponsorship places in the quarter and semi sively 2-0. to help fund both the interna- finals respectively. The The Cambridge v Oxford The Cambridge University Sailing Team on course to their BUSA championships triumph tionals and her own horses. seconds had great success, final, best of five, was a good “I am looking forward to tives were achieved in spec- mates overtake. The key to losing only to Southampton I, warm up for the Varsity the next two internationals, CAMBRIDGE WIN tacular style. success is sailing fast, and sending them straight Match in June. In most of the but there will be a lot of pres- A sailing team consists of performing with precision through to the quarter finals, races both teams had fairly sure,” she says. “I am going to BUSA RACING three boats, each sailed by complicated moves to take and making them the first even starts, with Cambridge use Zurich to prepare for the CHAMPIONSHIPS two people. For each race, out the opposition. placed second team overall. gaining the edge by carrying Worlds, as having not ridden two teams compete from Cambridge arrived at the The women faced some out flawless conversions to for so long, I’m worried I may three minutes before the start event with a weight of expec- tough competition, doing secure winning combina- be a bit out of practice!” Sarah Chapman gun goes, vying with each tation on their shoulders. The well to beat Edinburgh and tions. However, she was out and other to be in the best place first mixed team helms, Jon coming within a boat length After some delays due to about winning on her own on the start line when it’s Pinner, Rob Style and Tom of Bristol. Coming fourth in kit failure, Cambridge won horses over the Easter holi- CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY time to go. The teams sail Heywood have sailed togeth- the gold league, they got the first three races and thus days, so hopefully it won’t Sailing Team approached the around the course, conscious er for two years now and through to the playoff for the the tournament. They sailed take much practice for Natalie BUSA Team Racing all the time of their position; have been consistently strong last semi final place with in to a crowd of cheering to have a chance of defending Championships with an aim if their combined places add throughout the year, losing Edinburgh, and the two top spectators, threw their her title. to win, and an aim to host the up to more than 10, they are only one race in the two teams from the silver league. captain Ben Lister in the best championships in losing and need to slow down months before BUSA. On the Unfortunately for Cambridge water and haven’t stopped memory. Both these objec- their opponents to let team- first day the mixed event was and Edinburgh, Southampton smiling since. 28.04.06 Sport Varsity 37 Blues to Blues end five years of torment meet F.A. Payne goal ends Varsity goal drought as Cambridge finally beat Oxford XI in IHE BRAZAITIS MICHAEL diately ran over to the touch- historic CAMBRIDGE 1 line, talking tactics with his bench and orchestrating his game OXFORD 0 troops for the Oxford bombardment to come. And it CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY did. Free kicks and long-balls ASSOCIATION FOOTBALL CLUB descended upon the packed 1856-2006 Joe Speight Cambridge penalty area, but few clear-cut opportunities IN 2004 it was dejection; in were created. 2005 despair; but in 2006 it A defence inspired by the was delight. After two years of magnificent Will Stevenson misery, Cambridge captain looked set to hold out against a Alex Mugan finally made it lively Oxford attack, which by third time lucky in his Varsity the end boasted five strikers, football trilogy to lift the 122nd including the energetic trophy, after a tightly contested American duo of Vincent Vitale showdown at Craven Cottage. and Paul Kaliszewski. Having missed out on selec- But the final act was to come Cambridge University AFC ~v~ tion as a fresher due to injury, deep into stoppage time. With The Football Association XI and after seeing his crucial Cambridge hanging on and Sunday 30th April 2006 At Grange Road Football Ground penalty repelled by Oxford’s Oxford firmly entrenched in Kick off 2.00pm heroic goalkeeper twelve the last chance saloon, full- months ago, the flame-haired back Aaron Barkhouse looped forward led his side to a narrow in a long throw from the left. Adam Bracey 1-0 victory over their most The initial danger was cleared bitter rivals – Cambridge’s first to the edge of the box by AS IF we hadn’t made it clear Varsity football win since 2001. goalscorer Payne, only to be enough in our last issue, we’ll In a fixture where only five met by a rasping volley from remind you again: Cambridge goals had been scored on the Chris Turnbull (right) was another who had twice been a loser in the past Oxford sub Matthew Rigby. did more than its fair share in past four occasions, and big Cambridge and their follow- the development of the occasion nerves and tension both teams achieved just that, himself in front of everything seemed to leave the ball for ers collectively gasped as the modern game of football. diminish any hopes of offen- with chances at a premium. that approached the goal each other to deal with. Payne ball arrowed towards the Cambridge University and sive enterprise and ambition, But two events in almost as behind him. But in Payne, an was quick to capitalise on the bottom left corner of the net, the F.A. have a unique and few of the 826 spectators who many minutes changed the Antipodean hazard provided indecision, and lofted the ball but sighed with relief as goal- historic link. It may not be far- travelled to Cambridge United’s course of the match, and the his nemesis. over Baker and into the keeper Tom Savill pulled off a fetched to say that the latter Abbey Stadium last year would annals of history. With just eleven minutes sensational save to prevent the would never have existed, have been desperate for the After having been left out of remaining before a potential “Savill pulled penalty lottery, and kick-start had it not been for the influ- next instalment. But with the the starting line-up in favour of penalty shoot-out decider, the the Cambridge celebrations. ence of a handful of help of Fulham Football Club the more rapid forward line of erratic Cambridge midfielder off a Scenes of elation greeted this Cambridge undergraduates. Varsity football has been rein- Mugan, Mickey Adams and Mike Dankis lifted a hopeful long-awaited Cambridge victo- Two in particular, H. de vigorated, and over 5000 fans Brendan Threlfall, the intro- ball upfield in search of the sensational ry, which evens up the Varsity Winton and J.C.Thring, called created a fervent atmosphere duction of Australian Rich new arrival. It was Payne’s standings with 47 wins each. a meeting with representa- on the banks of the Thames. Payne created the unease in mere presence which unsettled save” For one man in particular tives from Eton, Harrow, And with goals such a rarity the otherwise composed Hazzard, who allowed the ball though, this was without doubt Rugby, Winchester and – Cambridge had scored in just Oxford rearguard which the to bounce on the edge of his unguarded net. the sweetest of them all, as Shrewsbury. At the end of one of the previous nine Light Blues desired. Oxford own penalty area, before an Whilst those around him Mugan grasped the Varsity eight long and, one imagines, encounters – surely the key to captain Jack Hazzard in partic- awful mix-up in communica- were engulfed by a wave of trophy, ending CUAFC’s 150th hotly debated and fascinating victory was a solid defensive ular had been a commanding tions where both centre-back euphoria, captain Mugan had Anniversary year with the (fascinating to some) hours of display. For over 75 minutes presence throughout, throwing and goalkeeper Nick Baker no time to celebrate. He imme- most perfect of finales. discussion, they emerged with the first rules for association football. Years later, in 1862, Thring published these rules: author, though he was not to Cricketers look ahead optimistically know it at the time, of one of

L the most significant pieces of NE SPNCER-ALLEN YNDEN bowling attack come July. scheme) sees a rejuvenated literature ever to be written, The batting this year will also Cambridge University input. one that Melvyn Bragg has see much competition for places. Captained by Richard Timms, included in his series of the Celliers, a former first class all- Savill, Banerjee and wicket most important ‘books’ in rounder in his native South keeper James Heywood put in history. He in fact published Africa, will boost the middle strong performances against two versions of his ‘Rules of order, along with the talented Warwickshire, Savill scoring his Football – The Winter Game’, and hard-hitting James Chervak second first class fifty. comprising ten and fourteen and Somerset opener Richard The evidence is compelling. A rules respectively, which Timms. Filling the remaining strong squad of players, encour- strode manfully to set down, slots will be prolific Crusaders’ aged by the memory of the first among other things, the rules run scorers Ian Bartholomew, victory in the one-day game at outlawing the use of the Matt Austin and Ian Massey, Lords against Oxford since its hands, making a permanent plus fresher Fred Owen. move to the MCC headquarters distinction between football They say though, that the and a strong start to the season and egg-chasing. Genius. proof is in the pudding. The first on all fronts should very much A year afterwards, in fixture of the new season saw banish the anxieties of years October 1863, representatives the strength that has been high- past. Financially too, the club is met in London to establish a lighted above. A high quality in good shape, with a sponsor- body that would uphold and Middlesex Premier league side, ship deal secured with enforce the set of rules that Hampstead were dispatched. award-winning brewers Greene Thring and others had drawn Domination of the opposition King. out, seventeen years earlier, at was total. Massey and Chervak The next University fixture at Trinity. The sprawling, incom- chased with ease a total of 119, Fenner’s is against petent (but nonetheless set up by a high quality all round Cambridgeshire, a Town vs necessary) organization that is bowling performance that saw Gown clash to open the home the modern Football Vikram Banerjee bowls to Oxford’s Chris Stearn in last year’s four-day Varsity match the home side dismissed in just fixture list. Association was formed. Cambridge University Cricket In recognition of for the third year runnning, two county caps to his name, his Club and Fenner’s hosts a range Cambridge’s symbolic and Ben Jacklin Oxford won by an innings and opinion is not one to dismiss. “This Blues of high quality fixtures, includ- historical presence in the plenty. Indeed, there is much for ing first class matches against modern game, in CUAFC’S CRICKET IS very much a sport Doom and gloom for the Light Cambridge University Cricket to squad is the county opposition. The one day 150th year, the Blues will play dominated by figures, statistics, Blues it seems. When one look forward to. For the first Varsity match at Lord’s is on 1st a Football Association XI at and records. This fact is made considers the loss of players from time, in a largely batsmen-domi- strongest I’ve July, the 4-day fist class match in Grange Road Stadium. The ever more clear by the annual last year’s ranks, this view can nated level of the game, this year Oxford in between 3rd and 6th association XI will be made up University Match between only be bolstered; four out of last sees a steady influx of good qual- worked with” July. In addition, on Thursday of players from non-league Cambridge and Oxford at year’s top six batsmen have all ity seam bowlers. Burhan 15th June, the blues will play clubs. If, god forbid, the histo- Fenner’s in June 2005. The since left. Javaid, Michael James and 35 overs. host to “Lashings”, a team full of ry of football’s rules doesn’t highest individual total of 238 by Or perhaps not. ‘This Blues Grant Celliers join established With the Blues certainly the worlds greatest test crick- appeal, then just come and the Nawab of Pataudi in 1931 squad is the strongest I’ve Blues Tom Savill, Robin Kemp hitting the ground running in eters past and present. watch some footy. Regardless, was broken by a score of 247, in worked with in my 6 years and Ben Jacklin. To add to the preparation for July, we see the the match itself is a monu- addition to the highest ever total here.’ This, from Cambridge mix, there is left arm spin from strength of CUCC being reflect- ment to Cambridge’s in the Varsity Match of 610-5. UCCE and CUCC coach Chris Vikram Banerjee. This will leave ed in this year’s UCCE squad. contribution to the most influ- Sadly, all of these records were Scott, is worthy of note. With captain Savill with selection The UCCE (an MCC-supported ential and popular past-time in favour of the Dark Blues and over 120 first class matches, and nightmares, but also a dream national university cricket www.cucc.net in the world. 38 Varsity Advertisement 28.04.06

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Baker & McKenzie LLP are the proud sponsors of this year’s victorious Varsity Rugby League team 28.04.06 Sport Varsity 39 Lightweights in Henley triumph But there’s more cause for disappointment as women’s Blues miss out

Erinsborough Ethics By Jonny Franks

ime. Timey timey time. TIME. time. Time. In case you Thadn’t noticed, I’m unable to think of a subtle or ingenious way of introducing the theme of the last Erinsborough Ethics column. Quite frankly, I don’t have the time. I’m meant to be revising, and so are you, yet here we are – neither of us doing what we’re supposed to be: I’m writing a pretentious column about how I’m writing a pretentious column (a sort of meta-column), and you’re reading it. Never mind – no one can work solidly for hours on end. Everlasting robots probably can. Humans can’t. We all need a pause, a respite, a reprieve, a rest, and… other words from under `break’ in the thesaurus. And that’s one reason why Neighbours is so great. Neighbours provides a perfect time out. Watching the first show- ing means you can have a long lunch; watching the second means you can have a long tea. Watching The women’s lightweights celebrate victory at the end of their 2000m pursuit against Oxford (right); captain Sarah Farquhar lifts the winners’ shield (left) both is as good as a day off. And no time watching Neighbours is a flooding almost leading to the quently Cambridge started the last year’s crew. Woolley. waste of time – not with the host WOMEN’S LIGHTWEIGHTS postponement of the races. A race out of the stream and scar- The final women’s event of Both crews flew off the of complex philosophical and ethi- WIN BY A CANVASS strong tailwind and very fast ily close to mounting the the day was the race between stakeboats neck and neck, cal problems that Susan, Ginelle stream brought mixed bless- towpath. Despite this they the two Blue boats. Heavy rain Oxford began to push their and Toadie tackle for 25 minutes WOMEN’S BLUES LOSE ings, but ensured powered away with a strong and hail at the start line meant lead slightly, and by half-way every day for our benefit. Nope, BY HALF A LENGTH record-breaking times in each rhythm and hung to Oxford, that both crews had to rely not had gained a three-quarter Neighbours should be a standard event. only giving away one length. only on raw strength, but good length lead. Determined not to fix in everybody’s day – pity those The heavyweight reserves Kathryn then took control of rowing technique to battle surrender, the Cambridge crew, who do not make time for it. Gillian McFarland (Blondie) were the first the proceedings at 500m by through the rough water. spurred on by cox Rebecca “Time does great things” said women’s crew to go off and reclaiming her water from the Dowbiggin hung on to their Hegel. Well, in fact, he didn’t. I just THE FOCUS of any Cambridge right from the start the heavier Oxford cox, who continued to opponents, meaning that made that up. But time really does sport is naturally the annual Osiris crew took the lead. Osiris be warned for his steering the “They powered Oxford were unable to shake do great things. In this week’s grudge match against our Dark reached Fawley (half way) four rest of the way up the course. them off entirely. In the final Neighbours we saw just how Blue rivals, and for the rowers seconds ahead of Blondie, who By Upper Thames (750m) the away with a 400m of the race the Light much the passing of time can of CUWBC, it’s no different. All managed to hang on but not Cambridge girls were begin- Blues then pushed on relent- change a person: we saw the eyes were fixed on April 1st narrow the gap through the ning their comeback and strong rhythm lessly, taking back lost ground coming of age of a young man. when the Dark and Light Blues second 1000 metres. Osiris starting to move back through and narrowing the gap to a Once a simple meathead whose went head to head to fight for crossed the line in a record their opposition. and clung mere half length. only interests were carb-counting, glory. The event took place at time of 5 mins 54 secs. It wasn’t until Rememham The cheering on the bank weight-lifting and protein-shaking, the historic venue of Henley- It was a very different story Farm that the Light Blue to Oxford” from both Light and Dark Blue Boyd has blossomed into a fine upon-Thames, over a 2000m for the lightweight women supporters on the bank could supporters grew louder as the medical student (perhaps, one course (the Olympic rowing however, whose nail-biting start to breathe a sigh of relief boats approached the finish day, worthy to worship at Dr. Karl’s distance). Crowds of thousands race provided much excite- as CUW finally drew level. The Oxford began the race as firm line. The gargantuan effort of feet) and a caring and doting (if a gathered on the reach to cheer ment for the spectators on the last 500m saw them move out favourites; they were the heav- the Light Blues was not little sexually frustrated) boyfriend. the three women’s crews, who bank. Extremely challenging to half a length, only to have ier crew and had previously enough to secure victory as Boyd is no longer a boy; he is a have sacrificed much time and conditions meant that cox that distance pushed back shown good racing form. they crossed the line in a time man. Buoyed by his new-found effort and fought so hard for Kathryn Coffin had her work down to a canvas as they However, Cambridge proved of 5 minutes, 45 seconds, 15 maturity, he has taken it upon the chance to represent cut out from the start; the crossed the line. Victory was that it was going to be close seconds within the course himself to save his family from the Cambridge here. abnormally strong stream had sweet revenge for Captain race through their good tech- record, yet one second behind brink of disaster and, in Thursday’s The weather conditions were moved the Berkshire stakeboat Sarah Farquhar and Stroke nique and the long, powerful Oxford - a very close and excit- episode, he succeeded. After a rather varied, with the risk of towards the bank and conse- Katie Smith, both veterans of rhythm, set by stroke Lizzie ing race. strict dressing down by Boyd, Steph finally forgave Max for trying to pack her off to the loony bin, 12345678 Across Down and, we assume, the Hoylands will 1. Strays after little devil gets better 2. Girl boy softened (6) Scribble pad be reunited and live together (8) 3. Storms destroyed French stations (5) happily. For a couple of weeks at 9 10 6. Astronomer’s big brother in 4. Bloody chamber? (9) least. rubber tree (6) 5. Shocking story of boys’ return, carry- The playwright I. L. Peretz said 9. Fourpence on wine bottle (6) ing can (7) “time is change”. I didn’t make that 10. Media for smart displays (3-5) 6. Dislikes 12 confused by loss of heat up this time. The only reason we 11 12 11. Made sure about (8) (5) know that time is passing is 12. Cover skinhead with ex-PM (6) 7. Identification technique - use it with because of change. If the world 13. Disobedient Celtic rat ran microbe (9) and everything in it was frozen 13 14 around (12) 8. Let Naomi be restyled with fringe (8) completely still, how would we 16. St. John, say, in charge of 13. Grudging refrain heard in support of know that any time had passed? 15 Gospel preacher (12) artist needing no introduction (9) Would there be a meaningful 16 17 19. Monks’ rehab clinic? (6) 14. Mutual interaction at the San Siro? sense in which any time had 21. Fuel made by love-god (9) passed at all? By showing the 18 surrounded by keen constituents 15. Less rare than it should be, being development of its characters, like (8) conned after deliveries (8) 19 20 21 22 Boyd, Neighbours brings these 23. State of depression or trouble 17. Annoying smoke dispersed by lead- questions to our screens everyday. (8) ers of Irish Republic (7) Are there any lessons to be learnt 24. Sellers, say, by Californian 18. Town cat (6) from all of this? Well, not really. 23 24 city’s lake (6) 20. Long for story about the Orient (5) Things take time to change, and 25. Spring flavour (6) 22. Expire before the first glimpse (5) time really does change things. Is 26. North African cooked tangy pie that the best I can do? Afraid so. 25 26 (8) What a waste of time. © Mathmo Varsity 28.04.06 CRICKET FOOTBALL SAILING CUPPERS

SUMMER PREVIEW VARSITY VICTORY AT LAST CAMBRIDGE WIN BUSA FITZ 3-0 PEMBROKE sport A look at what cricket fans Footballers beat Oxford 1-0 All Smiles as Blues beat Difficult season has fairytale can look forward to this term at Craven Cottage Oxford before Varsity match ending at Grange Road Agony on the Thames again Cambridge ship water as river-gods favour Oxford on a day to forget BOA T RACE RS OFFICE PRESS CAPTAIN’S VIEW

ALEX MUGAN UNIVERSITY FOOTBALL

FORGIVE ME an Americanism, but we’ve just come back from tour; the Varsity Match was awesome. This is my third time this year in Captain’s Corner, and writing this there’s more than a slight feeling of relief that after first dissecting last year’s match, then building up the team’s chances for this one in the last article, we’ve actually won it. The match was also third time lucky for me personally, and for the likes of Mikey Adams and Chris Turnbull too. I refused again and again to make a prediction that someone could throw back at me if it all went wrong, but to be honest there was one moment in March after which I really thought we were going to do it. Everyone knows how much Varsity matters in each Cambridge sport, but for the foot- ballers, who have had year upon year of defeats, both at first and second team level, winning had become a psychological Everest. That’s why the result at Iffley Road, where our unfan- cied Falcons absolutely outplayed Dejected: Cambridge were pre-race favourites but Oxford won the crucial toss and the Light Blues suffered in conditions described as ‘horrible’ Oxford’s Centaurs, was so huge for the club. We had seen a victory, we they raced on. the protected water on the inside Cambridge’s sole consolation of loved it and we knew we could do it. 152ND BOAT RACE: With the conditions as they of the bend the Light Blues the day was a victory by their I carried that feeling into the game, were, the crew that raced on the “certainly shipped more water,” reserve crew, Goldie, over Isis, and for eighty minutes I did not think OXFORD WIN BY Surrey station (left hand side of according to the umpire. Oxford Oxford’s reserve. Racing thirty we would lose. For ten minutes at the FIVE LENGTHS the river) would be in an advanta- took advantage of the flounder- minutes before the Blue Boats, start I did think we were going to get geous position down the crucial worthy conditions, and pushed Goldie – on Surrey – established a stuffed, but then we woke up, and we Hammersmith – Chiswick Steps hard while in calmer waters, open- length lead by the milepost, and made chances, and it was a matter of portion of the race, and ing up a two-length lead by the then steadily opened the gap as the time. The match was fairly end-to- Russ Glenn predictably, Oxford chose this end of the bend. water worsened and both crews end, but when we got forward you path. “We were rowing quite well and headed for the shelter of the shore. could sense that the Oxford back line Cambridge suffered further as were confident,” said Cambridge Three-time Goldie rowers Ed was creaking, and Payno eventually CAMBRIDGE AND OXFORD’S Oxford made a very quick start, cox Pete Rudge, “but then we just Sherwood and Kyle Coveny (as got in when it broke. I did not mind annual rowing grudge-match took putting the Light Blues on their hit a wall of water.To be fair to well as Kyle’s brother Ian) helped at all that he spent the whole evening place in London on April 2nd, and heels until they were able to estab- Oxford, when they got the oppor- lay down a crushing rhythm that telling me how many times he would saw Cambridge fall to the Dark lish a solid, relaxed base rhythm tunity they took it well; there pushed Goldie to a four-length have scored if I hadn’t picked him on Blues by 15 seconds in a race and start clawing back Oxford. wasn’t a lot we could do.” win. the bench. marked by tumultuous weather. The relentless Cambridge base As the conditions remained Victory or loss aside, Cambridge All year, every day,I had imagined Cambridge oarsman Kyle Coveny rate drew them back to a slight terrible through the last third of now turns itself to the task of lifting the trophy, but waking up on recorded his third row over the lead by the mile-post, and they the race, Oxford continued to push readying for next year’s race. The the morning of the game I tried to course that day, yet even he said looked to be a strong position away, expanding their lead to five man who leads this charge, force it out of my mind until after- that the conditions “were the screaming past Harrods and into lengths by the finish. Duncan Holland, made his debut wards. From then on there wasn’t worst…[he’d] ever seen on the Hammersmith as they held Oxford The defeat was gutting; as Cambridge Head Coach on the time to think about it. It started sink- Tideway – they were absolutely on the outside of the bend. Cambridge’s crew had been slight- day. After the race he flatly noted, ing in outside the stadium, when the treacherous.” As the crews wound their way ly favoured heading into the day, “The Tideway’s an interesting old Boat Race was going on (I had no The stage was set then for a past St. Paul’s, however, the dark and to lose in such difficult condi- place, isn’t it?” idea). For once, wandering around gruelling battle to see who could chop and white horses foreshad- tions was hard to stomach. As Though a difficult afternoon for with a Blues blazer on, I didn’t feel not only best the competition, but owed tough strokes ahead, and it Cambridge President Tom Edwards Cambridge, Holland and the CUBC daft, I was entirely proud. I found my brave the fickle course conditions was here that Cambridge suffered said, “I’ve spent the last two years looks forward to preparing for next girlfriend, whose look said “Well there as well. Sadly, the river gods were the brunt of the conditions. The trying to win this race, and it year’s race, and to removing the you are, you can finally stop talking on Oxford’s side from the start, Cambridge shell shuddered with didn’t happen. No regrets, there’s future outcome from whatever about it now, can’t you?” Apparently and they won the coin-toss to pick the impact of wave and splash, and no more we could have done. That ‘interesting’ externalities the not. which station (side of the river) as the Oxford cox held them out of just makes it all the harder today.” Tideway can muster.

4 9 Back in June Hitori 4 4 4 5 7 2 6 Kakuro     Sudoku   9 8 6 Easy 4 3 2 6 5 3 7 Medium Hard Varsity will Fill the grid so that   3 6 5 7 3 6 7 4 2 4 1 each run of squares  return in May Shade in the adds up to the total in 6 1 3 8 9 squares so that no the box above or to the  Week. To be number occurs more 3 7 3 2 6 6 5 left. Use only numbers   than once per row 1-9, and never use a  3 5 7 6 4 involved with or column. Shaded 5 1 3 7 1 3 2 number more than squares may not be once per run (a number  The object is to insert the   2 4 1 8 the issue, see horizontally or 7 2 5 3 1 6 2 may reoccur in the numbers in the boxes to vertically adjacent. same row in a separate satisfy only one condition: 9 4 7 Unshaded squares run).   each row, column and 3x3 page 19 << must form a single 5 6 4 4 7 1 4 Solution and solving aids box must contain the digits continuous area. at www.dokakuro.com 1 through 9 exactly once. 8 3 ©2006 Gareth Moore ©2006 Gareth Moore ©2006 Gareth Moore