ENGLISH JOKES-3

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken- down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale. “He rings the bell, and the owner appears to tell him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.” I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a bull shitter. He's never been out of the yard."

Judge to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?' Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'your heart would be just below your left breast’. Later that night...... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee

A guy from Colorado goes to Texas to visit a friend and do some hunting. During the first day of hunting they see an illegal alien running through the brush. The Texan takes aim with his rifle and shoots the illegal. The friend is aghast and says to the Texan why on earth did you do that? The friend that did the shooting says it's legal to hunt illegals in Texas. So.....the next day the Colorado fellow is hunting by himself. He stops his truck, gets out and takes a 6 pack of beer off the seat and sets it on the roof of the pickup. Before he can put the beer in his ice chest an illegal alien runs by and grabs the 6 pack off his truck. The Colorado fellow grabs his rifle....takes aim on the fleeing illegal and downs him with one shot. Momentarily a Texas Wildlife Officer who had witnessed the shooting appears on scene and begins writing out a citation the surprised hunter. The fellow says why are you writing me a citation.....isn't it legal to hunt illegals in Texas? The Wildlife Officer says yes it is but you can't bait them. '

Discussing the environment with his friend, one man asked, "Which of our natural resources do you think will become exhausted first?" "The taxpayer," answered the other.

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. The big problem was that he no longer was a "whole man". He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need a new suit. He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long' Joe laughed, 'that’s right, how you knew?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how you knew? I have been in the business 60 years. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.' Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old the salesman shook his head, and ‘You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

After finishing MBBS Sardar started his practice. He Checked 1st Patient's Eyes, Tongue & Ears By Torch & Finallly Said: "Torch is okay"

Sardar got a sms from his girlfriend: "I MISS YOU" Sardarji replied: "I Mr YOU" !!.

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company. Manager: Do U know MS Office? Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.

Question: "Should Women have Children after 35?" Smart Sardar Replied:"No! 35 Children R More than Enough!!"

Teacher:Which is the oldest animal in world? Sardar: ZEBRA Teacher: How? Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife! Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!

It is all Karma! People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation... - People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers. - People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X, - And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y, Why do we call the last group Generation Y? Y should I get a job? Y should I leave home and find my own place? Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours? Y should I clean my room? Y should I wash and iron my own clothes? Y should I buy any food? But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...

Reality of Life in our Country Most 'First Class' students get technical seats, some become Doctors and some Engineers The 'Second Class' passed, pass MBA, become Administrators and control the 'First Class' The 'Third Class' passed, enter politics and become Ministers and control both Last, but not the least, The 'Failures' join the underworld and control all the above How is that???

Prime Minister Man Mohan Singh walks into State Bank of India to cash a Cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says: 'Good Morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this Cheque for me?'

Cashier: 'It would be my pleasure, Sir. Could you please show me your ID?'

PM: (utterly shocked) 'I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need. I am Man Mohan Singh, THE Prime Minister of India!'

Cashier: 'Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.'

PM: 'Just ask anyone here at the Bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!'

Cashier: 'I am sorry Mr. Prime Minister, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them strictly.'

PM: 'I am urging you, please, to cash this Cheque. Soniaji has gone to America and Rahulji has, by mistake, taken the keys of the safe with him. I need some extra spending money urgently.'

Cashier: 'Look Mr. Prime Minister, this is what we can do. Some months back, Baba Ramdev came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Ramdev, he pulled his tummy in so much that it went and touched his back. With that feat, we knew him to be Baba Ramdev and cashed his Cheque. On another occasion, Raju Srivastava came in without his ID. To prove his identity, he mimicked all the actors so well, we knew it was Raju himself and we cashed his Cheque. So, Mr. Prime Minister, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister of India?'

PM stood there thinking, thinking and thinking, and finally said: 'Honestly, my mind is totally blank; there is nothing that comes to my mind... I can't think of a single thing!!!'

Cashier: 'There you are! That is enough. In what denominations would you like the cash, Mr. Prime Minister?

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around." The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't

swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water does bugger all. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ''napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake). Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. 'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!' Life is too short for drama & petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly...and for heaven’s sake, use the good napkins whenever you can.

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .

A Married Lawyer having fun in his car, with his secretary. On getting home his wife observed panties on the back seat, she tore it apart screaming "honey what is this??" He calmly replied: "You have just destroyed the evidence of the rape case, worth a million for me which I'm handling. You can forget the jewelry you wanted!!" She quickly fell on her knees apologizing. No one wins over a Lawyer! Even something called "A WIFE"!!!*

One day, a mailman was greeted by a boy and his dog. The mailman said to the boy, "Does your dog bite?" "No," replied the boy. Just then, the dog bit the mailman. "Hey, "he yelled. "I thought your dog doesn't bite!" "He doesn't," replied the boy, "but that's not my dog."

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?" "Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am -- a fucking stunt driver?"

Joe: "I see you've lost weight since you started your new job at sales. Did you put yourself on a diet?" Judy: "No, my boss put me on commission."

Q: What's a practical nurse? A: A nurse who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now ... I have a $1m home, a $50k car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!'

'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Death came to a guy and said, "My friend, today is your day" ! Guy:- "But I'm not ready!". Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list...". Guy:- "Okay why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?". Then death said,"All right.. ". The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep. The guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put into the bottom of the list. When death woke up he said to the guy: "Because you have been so very nice to me, I will start from the BOTTOM of the list.." Lesson for the day - Accept with grace, whatever is written in your destiny...!

THE SMILING JEW A well-known Anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap / kippa, a prayer shawl / tzitzis, and traditional locks of hair / payos. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly, that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.”; Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling and waving to him and says ‘Thank You ' in an equally loud voice, so that everyone can hear.

This infuriates the Anti-Semite and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you." So the guy asks the barman, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except for him, and all that the silly bugger does is to smile and thank me in such a loud voice. Is he nuts? "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns this place."

THE CASE AGAINST LORD KRISHNA

A nun in Warsaw, Poland, filed a case against ISKCON (International Society for Krishna Consciousness). The case came up in court. The nun remarked that ISKCON was spreading its activities and gaining followers in Poland. She wanted ISKCON banned because its followers were glorifying a character called Krishna "who had loose morals," having married 16,000 women called Gopikas. The ISKCON defendant to the Judge: "Please ask the nun to repeat the oath she took when she was ordained as a nun." The Judge asked the nun to recite the oath loudly. She would not. The ISKCON man asked whether he could read out the oath for the nun. Go ahead, said the judge. The oath said in effect that 'she (the nun) is married to Jesus Christ'. The ISKCON man said, "Your Lordship! Lord Krishna is alleged to have 'married' 16,000 women. There are more than a million nuns who assert that they are married to Jesus Christ. Between the two, Krishna and Jesus, who has a loose character?" The case was dismissed......

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll go ask him." The man climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand in front of his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Aboard an airline flight from Israel to America, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping. The girl smiled and gave the older woman some

chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort. When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum worked fine," she said. "Now that we've arrived, would you tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

An impoverished old man applied for membership in a rich church. The pastor attempted to put him off with all kinds of evasive remarks. The old man, becoming aware that he was not wanted, finally said that he would pray on it. Several days later he returned. "Well," asked the pastor, "did the Lord give you a message?" "Yes sir, he did," was the old man's answer. "He told me it wasn't any use. He said, I have been trying to get in that same church myself for ten years, and I still can't make it

TWO OLD MEN FIGURE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKE S ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK; I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER..' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A WITCH??. . WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?" The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!" To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund...." To this the secretary quickly responded, "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F" He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered,

"S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The man answered, "S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

An old cowboy was riding his trusty horse followed by his faithful dog along an unfamiliar road. The man was enjoying the new scenery, when he suddenly remembered dying, and realized that the dog beside him had been dead for years, as had his horse. Confused, he wondered what was happening, and where the trail was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall that looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch topped by a golden letter "H" that glowed in the sunlight. Standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like gold. He rode toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. Parched and tired out by his journey, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we? ‘This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked. 'O course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.' As the gate began to open, the cowboy asked, 'Can I bring my partners, too?' 'I'm sorry; sir, but we don’t accept pets. ‘The cowboy thought for a moment, then turned back to the road and continued riding, his dog trotting by his side. After another long ride, at the top of another hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a ranch gate that looked as if it had never been closed. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. ‘Excuse me,' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?' 'Sure, there's a pump right over there. Help yourself.' 'How about my friends here?' the traveler gestured to the dog and his horse. 'Of course! They look thirsty, too,' said the man. The trio went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with buckets beside it. The traveler filled a cup and the buckets with wonderfully cool water and took a long drink, as did his horse and dog. When they were full, he walked back to the man who was still standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked. 'This is Heaven,' he answered. 'That's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.' 'Oh, you mean the place with the glitzy, gold street and fake pearly gates? That's hell.' 'Doesn't it make you angry when they use your name like that?' 'Not at all. Actually, we're happy they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

A woman talks to a psychiatrist and says, "You've got to help me doctor, my husband thinks he's a racehorse! He neighs, sleeps on straw, and even eats grain!" "No problem," says the doctor. "I can heal him, but it's going to be costly!" "Oh, money isn't an issue," says the disgruntled wife. "He's already won two races!

A cop pulled over two drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, decided to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and went in. Jack addresses the man: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist, "Yes." Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharma: "Of course we do." Jack: “medicine for circulation?" Pharma: "All kinds” Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharma: "Definitely." Jack: "How about suppositories?" Pharma: "You bet!" Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" Pharma: "Yes, a large variety" Jack: “vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharma: "Absolutely.” Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharma: "We sure do..." Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharma: "All speeds and sizes." Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise. As they arrived safely a wash of gratitude rushed over her. She looked at him with great fondness and admiration, and then said, "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did." "Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early, and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here, asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless, that I took pity on her and let her into the car..

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots You bought at the expensive boutique, and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door,

She turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ...Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

I said yes and that is the reason we are in our bed!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!” After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

The blonde was recovering after having given birth. She asked for ice. The nurse provided it, then watched as the blonde placed the ice between her breasts. "What are you doing that for?" "That's to keep the milk fresh."

There once was a barber who ran his shop with the help of his servant. One day this man walks into his barber shop and says, 'What time do you close today?'

The barber replies,'6 o'clock.' And the man leaves. The very next day the same man comes back and asks the same question,'What time do you close today?' The barber once again replies, '6 o'clock.' The man leaves only to return again the next day. This goes on for about a week when the barber feels the guy is pretty weird. So when the same man comes into the shop again and asks what time he would close, the barber replies, '6 o'clock.' And this time the barber asks his servant, 'This guy keeps asking what time I close but never comes for the haircut, go follow him and see what he does?' The servant follows him and comes back several hours later and says, 'Boss... I don't know what he does but this I can tell you - he goes to your house and leaves at 6 o'clock!'

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, 'Mother of Six' in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'shall we go home Mother of Six?'' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, 'Anytime you're ready, Father of Four.'

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - 'I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?' 'Oh, not any more, he doesn't,' the other replied. 'What stopped him?' 'I started talking about my next husband.'

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, 'yes, I can put you right.' After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, 'You swine, you gave me a woman's ears.' 'Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's.' 'You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!'

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. 'Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,' answered the patient. 'You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter,

or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?' The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, 'Pay me in advance.'

'How long will it take to pull my tooth?' The patient asked the dentist. ' Only two seconds' ' How much will it cost?' ' Fifty dollars.' 'For only two seconds of work?' ' Well,' The dentist answered coolly, ' I can pull it very slowly if you prefer!'

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you? Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, 'keep tightly closed.'

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. 'Are you crazy?' yelled the customer, 'with your hand on my steak?' 'What' answers the waiter, 'You want it to fall on the floor again?'

A woman is having lunch with a few of her friends one Sunday when she announces she has discovered a way to keep her husband from staying out late at night. 'Last night when I heard the front door open and my husband enter, I yelled down, 'Joe, is that you?'' Her one friend turns to her and asks, 'How is that going to stop him from staying out late?' She replied, 'My husband's name is Charles.'

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, 'Mom, what's sex?' His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?'

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!' 'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.' 'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.' 'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!' 'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.' 'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.' 'Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!'

A guy and his girlfriend were going on a romantic long drive. Suddenly, the guy, who is driving the car pulls up on the side of the highway and starts to take his clothes off. His girlfriend asks, 'What are you doing? What if someone sees us here?' The guys tell her, 'If you want we can go under the car and have our fun.' She agrees, but asks, 'What if someone sees us below the car?' The guy tells her, 'Then we can tell them that we are checking for a leak in the gas tank.' So under the car they go, and have the time of their life. Sometime later a cop comes and shouts to the couple, 'What the hell do you think you are doing?' So the couple gives him the answer saying, 'We are checking for a leak in the gas tank.' The cop shouts back at them, 'You should have checked your brakes first. Your car has rolled down the slope!'

A man walks into a bar and sits in front of the bartender and says to him, 'Bartender I bet you $300 that I can piss in that jar way over there standing from right here.' The bartender said, 'What! You telling me that you can piss in that jar so far away standing here without spilling a drop?? You've got yourself a deal!' So unzips and starts to piss everywhere, he pisses on the bartender on the table on the phone, on the glasses and everywhere else. The bartender was laughing and crying at the same time and said, 'You idiot you pissed everywhere except the jar, you owe me $300!' The man zipped up and replied, 'Hold on just a minute.' And he walked back into the bar's pool tables, whispered to the guys playing pool and returned to the bartender. With a large smile he handed over the money to the bartender. 'Why are you laughing? You just lost $300!', the bartender asked. The man replied, 'Well you know those men back there, I bet them $500 that I can piss on the floor, on the chair and even on you and you're gonna be happy about it!'

The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the Santa on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the boss told the Santa it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file. After more than 30 minutes the Santa appears all tired and panting for breath. The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay. Santa replies, 'Boss when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00 His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't

tell him." Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my Cousin Bruno's house. The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

A 17-year-old girl came home with five job applications. She carefully filled them out, and later asked her mother to look them over. All the answers were clear and concise and she noticed that on all five applications, under "Previous Employment", she had listed "Baby- sitting". But then she read, under "Reason for Leaving" her daughter had answered, "Parents came home."

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp. Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it. Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord. The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic bitch." She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel headed Camel-fucker."

"I always worry when you leave for a weekend with the guys," sobbed the pretty young wife. "Don't worry about me, babe," he soothed her. "I'll be back before you know it." "I know," she sighed. "That's what worries me."

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on: *The first surgeon says:* "I like to see *accountants* on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." *The second responds: * "Yeah, but you should try *electricians*! Everything inside them is color coded." *The third surgeon says:* "No, I really think *librarians* are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." *The fourth surgeon chimes in:* "You know, I like *construction workers*…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." *But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:*

"You're all wrong. *Politicians* are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts; no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Two girls die and go to heaven SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive.

A man suffered a serious heart attack, while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911, when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital, where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns, at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?", she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." "Do you have a relative, who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Reverend Evans died and went to heaven. Strolling through the Clouds on his first day, he went hours without seeing another soul. At The end of the day he found only three other men. They didn't seem to be too happy. One explained that his afterlife was dull. He read all

Day, napped, and once in a while he exercised. Puzzled, the reverend Asked Saint Peter if a scouting trip to hell was possible? Saint Peter Waved an okay. The reverend found him in a fiery region, but as he walked on, He heard music coming from the distance. He walked faster, almost breaking into a run, and soon arrived at a strange scene. He seemed to be in some kind of restaurant. People sat at the tables drinking and being Merry on the huge dance floor, thousands, perhaps millions, of people Danced to a rock-an-roll ensemble with twenty guitarists, a dozen men at Synthesizers, and drummers too numerous to count. Now even more puzzled, the reverend asked to be returned to heaven. He asked Saint Peter, "How come Hell is dancing and music, and up here Things are so quiet?" Saint Peter answered, "Do you think we'd hire a band for just three Or four people?"

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweler’s shop in Hatton Garden, London. The jeweler inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?' Roger thought for a moment, grinned, and then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".' The jeweler smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.' Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!" I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was. “Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill the doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have "Yellow 24", a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.' So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320 Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!' 'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.' 'Fuck me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we’re joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees. "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... The history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude." "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

The lady had a Chihuahua in very good condition, and participated in every dog show she found, but always only came second. One day she asked a referee why she always came second, and never first, on which the referee said the hair between the little dog's toes counted against it. If she shaved the hair there as well as the rest of the dog was shaved, she'd definitely won. She wanted to know how she could shave the hair between the dogs' toes, and he told her to use "Nair in the hard-to-reach places. So off she went to her pharmacist. She asked for "Nair", and asked the pharmacist how she was supposed to use it. He said to put it on her legs, not to wear pantyhose for about 10 minutes, and then to wash it off and the hair will be gone. She replied that it is not for legs, but for her Chihuahua. To that he said:" Well, then you must not ride your bicycle for about 10 minutes."

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Customer: What other colors do you have?

Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help. Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday? Son: Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager! Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A single man inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Wife Wanted'. Next day he was inundated with offers. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

A man is incomplete until he finds a spouse. Then he is finished.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while ... Then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks ... "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot. She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

A newly married husband saved his wife's number on his mobile as… “My Life” After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife" After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home" After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler" After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "Wrong Number"

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's got to go and tell Coot's wife. Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of beer you are.' Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff!

Paddy and Mary were recently attending church services. About halfway through, Mary took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Paddy. The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" He scribbled back, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

The Great Albert Einstein Stories (1) One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein's driver, who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. Sure enough, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in his driver's uniform.

Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. "Well, the answer to that question is quite simple," he casually replied. "I bet my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it!"

(2) Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work. "Why should I?" he would invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there." When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. "Why should I?" said Einstein. "No one knows me there!"

(3) Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity. "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour," he once declared. "Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"

(4) When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of the cab did not recognize him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein's home. The driver said "Who does not know Einstein's address? Everyone in Princeton knows. Do you want to meet him?. Einstein replied "I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you take me there? "The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him.

(5) Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.

The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.'

Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.

The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.'

Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.'

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

A parent decreed one Christmas that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. The next year things were different, however. "The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

"How wonderful!" The friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?" "Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box .' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either ur money or life... The wives want both!

Marriage is like a public toilet those waiting outside are desperate to get in & those inside are desperate to come out.

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life. (1) Mobile (2) Automobile (3) TV (4) Wife Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.

Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?` Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

A friend recently explained why he refuses to get married. He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.

It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home ------A Good Maid!

Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt: All girls are devils, but my wife is the queen ------of them.

Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!!!

Wife: Look at that Drunkard! Hubby: Who is he? Wife: 10 years back he proposed me & I Rejected. Hubby: Oh My God, He is still celebrating... Wow...

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them Obama fans were. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican." The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a

Republican, so I'm a Republican. “Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him: "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you." "I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

Watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside. "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?" No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, Knocks, and goes inside. "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and Stupid hats!" They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. "Ah, now that's sad" says the third Irishman, "One of the girls must have died."

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."James Madison followed, kicked him hard and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson was next. He beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence.”The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist leader. As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said? You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"

Hurrying to finish her shopping, a young woman slipped on the wet pavement and fell to the ground. A passing vicar helped her to her feet, saying, "This is the first time I have picked up a fallen woman!" To which she replied, "And sir, this is the first time I have been picked up by a man of the cloth."

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean- acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way

through the entrance. I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe anyone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini- skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterward they're just lying there, enjoying the nearness of each other. The phone rings, and because it's the woman's house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice. "Hello? Oh, hi! So glad you called. Really! That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific! Great! Thanks! Okay. Buh-bye." She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, " that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, partner." "Oh yeah, what happened?" "I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!" "So, how'd you get away?" "The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over." "Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I woulda probably shit all over the place." "I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?"

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Italian from New Jersey fumed, "What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!' The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!' The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.' The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!' The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the f*ck can't they play at night?

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE

IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seattle. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Ole and Lena are sixty-inning when Ole says, "Lena did you know there are 117,000 musk-ox in Alaska?" Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart." Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?" Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, you're smart." Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are over 2,000,000 caribou living in Alaska?" "No", says Lena sort of wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play. "How did you get so smart?" Ole says, "Remember last winter when we ran out of toilet paper and we had to use the pages out of magazines?" "Yes, I remember," says Lena. "Well, you still have page 63 of the National Geographic stuck to your ass."

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks To her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's Father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!” The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!” A few Minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even Think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a Fog Horn blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, Get away from her before she shits on you!"

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. 'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam. 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour,

the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked. The man replied, ' Ontario '. 'Really?’ she said. 'I have family in Ontario.' 'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.' The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain. 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half and then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

Chris and Paul were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Chris of his buddy. "You look kind of down." "My wife just told me that my love making is just like a news bulletin." "Why's that?" "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

A poster at a Peace rally in Mumbai: “Politicians divide us and Terrorists unite Us”

Who is a Psychiatrist?

A qualified person who gives you an expensive & critical analysis about yourself, which your Spouse gives you for free, daily.

If you can’t find the right words for certain situations, just give a smile… Words may confuse, but a SMILE always convinces

If ever in life you love two people at the same time, go for the second person If you really ever loved the first person, you would never fall in love again

“If one really wants to achieve, he will find a way out of everything. If not, he will find an excuse out of something…!

Scotch is a brilliant invention…. One double and you start feeling Single again.

Notice at Church: Do not leave your mobiles, purses, wallets, handbags, girl-friends UN-ATTENDED Others may think it is an answer to their prayers.

Global Recession and Financial Crisis have become so critical and serious now days that majority of the men have started loving their own wives!!!!!!

A Priest is called as a Father A Bishop your Grace A Cardinal, your Eminence… Even a Pope is called as, His Highness. But only a 36 – 24 – 36 in a Bikini is called as “OH MY GOD”

A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her. "Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction - back towards the golf shop." "Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm half blind." He then turned around and started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing. "Not bad." she answered. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing." "Tanks, again, Miss." he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings." A few shots later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?" "Not at all," she replied. "I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett or vat ?" "You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that is your problem Smiling now, he exulted, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you." He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asked. "Vit gladness, dank gott. All the help you got I vill take." He answered. "Get rid of your Jewish accent" she replied. " .....You're Chinese." Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

Did you hear about the astronaut that discovered life on the moon? Seems he fired the wrong rocket when he tried to land, and ended up landing on the dark side instead of the light side. When he got out of the module, he saw a light in a cave not too far away. He went to investigate. He discovered the cave was merely an entrance to an underground city populated with people exactly the same as earth people. The only difference was that the women had their breasts on their backs instead of their chests. When the inhabitants saw him they invited him to a party to welcome him to the moon. After he returned to earth he gave a press conference about his discoveries. He answered numerous questions about the people and their lifestyle. Finally, one reporter asked if he thought that the women looked strange. He said, "Yes, but they sure are nice to dance with."

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" Asks the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!" "There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!" "And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!" "And me...... , I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican’!

Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover. She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy tuck, butt implants, Botox, collagen ...the works. Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally. Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new "body work." When the exam was finished, he called her in. "Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that often affects women your age, osteoporosis." Bambi looked puzzled. "Osteo-what?" "Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s." Bambi giggled, blushed and said, "Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me; with this body and this face, I get new bones quite often!"

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked, ‘is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.' Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'

A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was. The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day? His wife said crying; yes I remember that jewelry store. He said, well I'm in the bar next to it. LOL!

Excellent one by God... Someone Asked to God-"If everything is already written in destiny, then why should we wish? God smiled and said -: May be I had written -"AS YOU WISH"

"I say madam, why do you want to get a divorce?" "My husband treats me like a dog" "Does he mistreat you? Does he hit you?" "No, he wants me to be faithful to him"

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar and discussing about their family problems…… Shot after shot……… The Indian man said to the American, 'We have problem in India we can’t marry the one whom we love, You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said, talking about love marriages... In America We can marry the one whom we love ……I'll tell you my story. 'I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems.' The Indian fainted...... !!! :-o

The teacher asked young Patrick Murphy, “What do you do at Christmas time?” Patrick addressed the class, “Well, Ms. Jones, I and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.” “Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?” “Well, Ms. Jones, I and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.” Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?” Isaac said, “Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office and we all pile into the Rolls Royce. Then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing, ‘What a Friend We Have in Jesus’. Then we all go to the Bahamas.”

A guy goes to Indian Post to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" He says "Yes, just caffeine." "Have you ever been in the service?" the interviewer asks. "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for two years." The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here." He then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes, an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off." The interviewer tells the guy: "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don't worry, we'll still pay you from 8am." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10am?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"

A couple is going out for a night on the town. They're all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out. But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won't come out. They don't want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi. Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone "to say good-bye to my mother". A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!" The silence in the cab was deafening throughout the journey.

An old head of a village asked an young resident returning from college, "Hey, how much you are educated?" "The boy beating his chest proudly replied, "B.A." Village head rebuffed, "So you studied only two letters and that too wrongly in reverse order! Go back start cleaning cows."

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

A perfect relationship is when: You fight like a married couple Talk like best friends Flirt like first lovers...

An Indian, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line; he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly. The Indian was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Indian replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it." And what is your second wish?" the Sheik asked. Indian smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back”!!!

Wife: "Come Help Me In Garden." Husband: "What Do U Think I Am? A Gardener?" Wife: "Come Fix The Toilet Faucet!" Husband: "What Do U Think I Am? A Plumber?" Wife: "Come Fix The Door Handle!!!" Husband: "What Do U Think I Am? A Carpenter?" [The Husband Went Out But When He Came Back He Saw That Everything Was Fixed… Garden, Faucet & Handle...]

He Asked his Wife: "Who Did It???" The Wife Said: "It’s Pinto’s Father from the Neighborhood. But He Gave Me Two Options... Either to Make Him a Burger, Or Have A Kiss With Him." Husband: "I'm Sure, U Gave Him a Burger." Wife: "What Do U Think I Am? McDonalds???"

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?' The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running. The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?' The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.' A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?' The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.' The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

A British man came to Sheikh and asked: Why is it not permissible in Islam for women to shake hands with a man? The Sheikh said: Can you shake hands with Queen Elizabeth? British man said: Of course not, there are only certain people who can shake hands with Queen Elizabeth. Sheikh replied: our women are queens and queens do not shake hands with strange men.

Then the British man asked the Sheikh: Why do your girls cover up their body and hair? The Sheikh smiled and got two sweets; he opened the first one and kept the other one closed. He threw them both on the dusty floor and asked the British: If I asked you to take one of the sweets which one will you choose? The British replied: The covered one. The Sheikh said: that's how we treat and see our women.

What The Fire Chief Said… For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible. Not fair to make judgment of this until you see what the Fire Chief says!!!! In South Los Angeles, a 4-plex was destroyed by a fire. A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members lived on the first floor, they died. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. 6 LA Hispanic Gang Bangers and ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died. A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. They survived the fire. Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived. The fire chief said, "They were at work."

Joe was eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, So they came up with a story so horrible that Not even Joe could come up with a bright side. Next day, only two friends showed up for a golf date. Joe: ''Where's Gary? One friend: ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, And then turned the gun on himself.'' Joe says, ''Well it could have been worse.'' Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!'' Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, was making overtures at her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

If u paint your home with Rs.40000, It will look colorful. But, If u drink 400Rs Royal Stag, The whole world will look colorful..!!

What's the definition of IMPOTENCE? Answer:

Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

Yo momma is so fat that she broke a branch of the family tree. What does a Jewish American Princess make for supper? A: Reservations

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK . He stops the firstperson he sees walking down the street and says...... 'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!' The passerby says, ‘you are mistaken, I am Mexican!' The man goes on and encounters another passerby... 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!' The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!' The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from Britain!' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?' She says, 'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, ‘Where are all the British?' The African lady checks her watch and says ...’probably at work'

1 line humor

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

[22] Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it

One day a man was eating dinner at his girlfriend's parents. The dog was under his chair and it barked while he was holding in a fart; this startled the man and caused him to rip a small fart. The mom said, "Fido!", since the dog was receiving the blame he decided to rip a huge one, again the mother said, "Fido! Go Away!" Seeing as the dog was continuing to receive the blame he let out a wet, loud, and/or possibly deafening fart. Then his girlfriend said, "Fido, you heard mom, leave before he shits on you!"

Mathematician: How do you write 4 in between 5? Chinese : Is this a joke? Japanese : Impossible! American : The question's all wrong! British : It's not found on the Internet And the Indian Indian: F(IV)E

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this." William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."

A boy was teaching MATHS to a girl: - The boy kissed the girl, Again kissed and said: This is *ADDITION* Then the Girl kissed the boy and said: This is *SUBTRACTION* They both kissed together and said: This is *MULTIPLICATION* Then the Girl's Father came and threw the boy out of the house and said: this is *DIVISION*

You know why women love shoes? Because no matter what they eat, the shoes always fit!

Boy to his girlfriend..; ''To me are like drugs’’, Girlfriend: ''Oh! So you addicted to me!'' Boy replies; "No, bitch, you ruined my Life

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive. What do UFOs and caring men have in common? You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself. Why is sex like a game of cards? Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky? Whisky improves with age. Why does a man have a clear conscience? Because it is unused. What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain? Divorced. What are the three types of men? The handsome, the caring and the majority.

Kenya Revenue decides to audit Kanjibhai, and summons him to the Kenya Revenue Authority office. The KRA auditor was not surprised when Kanjibhai showed up with his auditor from Patel & Patel. The KRA auditor said, 'Well, Mzee, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. Such money is not income or taxable but I'm not sure Kenya Revenue Authority finds your story believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Kanjibhai . 'How about a demonstration?' The KRA auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Kanjibhai says, 'I'll bet you a ten thousand shillings (10,000/-) that I can bite my own eye.' The KRA auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet Mzee.' Kanjibhai removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Kanjibhai says, 'Now, I'll bet you twenty thousand Shillings that I can bite my other eye."' Now the KRA auditor can tell Kanjibhai isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Kanjibhai removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned KRA auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost thirty grand (remember this is not a very large sum for KRA officers), with Kanjibhai auditor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. ‘Want to go double or nothing?' Kanjibhai asks 'I'll bet you Fifty Thousand Shillings that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side of your desk, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The KRA auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully at odds and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Kanjibhai stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the KRA desk. The KRA auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Kanjibhai own auditor from Patel & Patel moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the KRA auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the Patel auditor. 'This morning, when Kanjibhai told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me three hundred thousand Shillings that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' Don't Mess with Kanjibhai!

After a quick examination, the doctor realized the baby was malnourished. "He's obviously not getting enough milk," he said sternly. "Is he being breast fed?" "Yes," replied the woman. "Then the milk supply isn't adequate. Please take your blouse off." The woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very thorough breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging and sucking each breast at great length. Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could see why there was a problem. "You aren't producing any milk at all." "Of course not," she responded." It's my sister's kid," "Why on earth did you come?" asked the doctor in amazement. "I didn't," she replied, "until you started sucking on the second tit.

A circus owner walks into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap-dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

A man who smelled like a distillery walks into a bar and flops on a barstool next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A guy walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a sip from each of them in order. The bartender says," Why don't you have one at a time, they begin to go flat as soon as I dispense it?" "Well," the guy says, "When my brothers and I split up, we promised to always drink like this to remember the times when we used to drink together." The bartender thinks this is a nice tradition and doesn't say any more. The guy becomes a regular always ordering 3 beers. Then one day he orders only 2. The bartender doesn't know what to say but then says, "My condolences on your loss." "Why do you say that?" "Well,” the bartender replies, "I had thought something may have happened to one of your brothers. I feared the worst!" The guy laughs and says, "My brothers are fine, it's just that I've quit drinking!"

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and tells the bartender, "Hey give me a free drink." The bartender looks at him and asks, "Why should I give you a free drink?" The customer reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny, 10 inch man and sets him carefully on the counter. The bartender is amazed, and says, "Okay, that's worth a free drink." and proceeds to pour him one. After the customer finishes, he asks for another free drink. The bartender tells him his little man was really cool, but was only worth one drink. The customer then reaches into another pocket and pulled out a tiny piano and a bar stool, and the 10-inch man sits out and plays a beautiful melody. The bartender listens and says, "That's great, but it's not worth a free drink." "Okay" the customer says, and pulls out a genie lamp. "Rub this and you can have any wish you want." The bartender does, the genie appears, and the bartender asks for a million bucks." Suddenly a million ducks appear. "Hey! I asked for a million bucks, not a million DUCKS!" "That's okay; I didn't ask for a 10-inch pianist either!"

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p. m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a "very" buxom lady a few seats down. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunken jumps up and start to lick her breasts. She decks him. He's laying on the floor and moans, "Why do you let the bartender do it?" "Because he has a liquor license!"

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Man, I'll tellya, women can be cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well , daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let'shead to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?" "Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone." And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs in Order."

"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out."What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke

me up!" I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was. “Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!" A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean what are your relations like? All my relations are still in Poland. Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She is going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She is going to poison me. She buys a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says: ~~~Polish Remover~~~

Four guys are driving across country together: one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and one from New York. A short way down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the heck are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "We have so many of these things in Idaho they're lying around on the ground. I'm sick of looking at them!" A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks, "What are you doing that for?" The Nebraskan replies, "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I'm sick of looking at them!" Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

A good ole Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and asks, "What the hell you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within seventy miles of here." Her husband says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it." Several days later, his brother came over to visit. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field

behind the house. His brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother, sitting in a fishing boat, with a rod in his hand, down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to the brother, "What the hell are you doing?" He replies "I'm fishin'. What the hell does it look like I'm a doing?" he brother yells back at him, "It's people like you that give folks from Arkansas a bad name, making everybody think we are stupid. If I could only swim, I'd come out thar an' kick your ass."

An Indian living in West mead, NSW (Australia) suffered a heart attack in front of the Pendle Hill Take-Away Restaurant on the road and was picked up by an ambulance. Being religious, he kept repeating - "Hari Om Hari Om Hari Om ". When the ambulance pulled into his home, instead of the West mead Hospital, his wife came out and screamed to the paramedics: 'Why didn't you take him straight to the hospital?' They replied 'Because he kept saying Hurry home, Hurry home, Hurry home!'

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' 'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees. 'What's this?' the boss asks. 'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree make a nine,' says the Italian. 'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.' The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.' The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' 'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.' The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.' The Italian stares into space some more, then he pick up the picture again and make a little mark at the base of each tree and say, 'Ere you go. One hundred.' The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!' (You're going to love this one!!!) The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. 'So, whenna I start?'

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. I beg to differ because there is. When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE". And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ..."COMPLETELY FINISHED”!!!

Joe was in the hospital and it was time for lunch. He looks at his lunch and says, "I don't like chicken soup. Bring something else." The hospital worker said, "It's good for you, the doctor said you should have it." But Joe refused to eat it. That night, a patient in the room with Joe had a bad stomach pain, so the nurses came in to give him an enema. By mistake, they gave the enema to Joe. The following week, when he was leaving the hospital, a new patient asked him how he liked the hospital. He told him, "Well, the hospital itself is pretty good, but they're very strict about their food. Here's a good tip, when they bring up chicken soup you better eat it, or else they'll come back in the middle of the night and shove it up your ass!"

Who was the 1st Indian woman fly abroad? ...... sita with ravan What did the kangaroo say when she found her baby missing? …….Aaila!!!!! kisne mera pocket maar liya An elephant falls in luv wid n Ant.but Ant's parents r against their marrige…guess y?? .....they gave a solid reason…**Ladke k daant bahar hain** Ones sardarji saw a very soni kudi in the market & thought.. ……kash k ye meri maa hondi to main v inna sona honda.. Full form of MATHS???? Mentally Affected Teacher Harassing Students Smoking 2) Drinking 3) Charas 4) Ganja 5) Chicken 6) Mutton 7) Oily food 8) Masala 9) Sleep & obesity 10) Pollution = Heart Attack Matlab . DUS bahane karke le gaye DIL !! A few days ago, Japan’s Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Obama, please say ‘how are you’. Then Mr. Obama should say, ‘I am fine, and you? Now you should say ‘me too’. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.’ It looks quite simple, but the truth is…. When Mori met Obama, he mistakenly said ‘who are you?’ (Instead of How are you?) Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: ‘Well, I’m Michelle’s husband, ha-ha..’ Then Mori replied ‘me too, ha-ha…’ Then there was a long silence in the meeting room

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, "shingles." So, she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "shingles." So, she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later, a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles." So, the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later, the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "shingles." The doctor asked, "Where"? Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them"?

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!." There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

What's the opposite of "Dominoes"??? think..think.. think... think... think... tired of thinking??? Well the answer is "Domi doesn't know"

A sardarji went to a STD/ISD/PCO SHOP and slapped the operator twice. Guess why ? Because there it was written "Number dial karne se pehele do lagae"

A Black Belt in Stupid

Hank was not too bright. Every day when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money. Finally, Hank decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself. So, one day, on the way home from work Hank took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon Hank went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened. "Well," explained Hank, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie"? "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

A Man Came Home Late At Night After A Party. His Wife Yelled: “How Would You Feel If You Don’t See Me for Two Days?” The Man Couldn’t Believe His Luck: That Would Be Great! Monday Passed And He Didn’t See Her…… Tuesday and Wednesday Passed Too….. On Thursday His Swelling Became Better And Now He Could See Her From The Corner of One Eye…

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm, ma'am. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he said. "She got in the backseat by mistake."

Remembrance Day was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said “I'm not free!" Taken aback by the boy's positive attitude, she said, "well, at your age I will admit that you are not allowed to do anything you want, but what I meant is that your family can do anything that is legal. Now, do you understand that you are free?" "No -- I'm NOT free," he said looking up defiantly, "I'm four!"

Three truck drivers die and go to meet God for admittance. God asks the first driver if he had ever cheated on his log books, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He replied that he would never consider such conduct and that he was a good man. God told him to go stand on this big X on the floor.God asked the second driver if he had ever cheated on his log book, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He replied 'Oh No I would never do any such thing." God told him to stand next to the first driver on the X.God then asked the third driver if he had ever cheated on his log book, taken drugs, or cheated on his wife. He explained that as much as he regretted it he hadfalsified his log book, and taken some little white pills because there was

the cutest little blonde honey in Dallas that he had ever seen.At this point God pressed a button and the first two drivers fell through a hole that opened under them. The third driver, startled, asked what happens now?God said "well those two liars are going to Hell and you and me are going to Dallas.

The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44"? Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Little Davie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture"?

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

At twenty-three years old, Rita decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when... the Wal-Mart manager runs over to unplug the horse.

A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child. "Reid!" she called out, noticing the boy was missing. "Reid!" Just as she spotted her son in the next aisle, she bumped into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to read. No sense wasting your time trying to convince them."

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales

approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events." "Very good, Sally," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk "$2,467," he said. "$2,467," cried the teacher, "what in the world were you selling?" "Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny. "Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "how could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Chip and Dip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing... 'Hey, this tastes like shit!' Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

After the funeral, the Rabbi said, "I don't think you'll ever find another man like your late husband Morris." The widow replied, "So, who's looking for one?"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. As they did the stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it I could have sworn we just went through red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Sheet..! Am I driving..?"

A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program: "What was your most unusual and th challenging 911 call?" "Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11 and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very concerned that, during the sermon, an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing." "What was so unusual and demanding about this particular call?" The interviewer asked. "Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys before we found the one who was dead."

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. ‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.’’ I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!

What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. 'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kmh. (Remember, the Pope is German.) 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kmh. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor? Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: ' A senator?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'The Prime Minister?' Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

Stupid question but super answer For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian. General Cos grove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cos grove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds......

A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthyitems on his wife's carefully-prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies. "Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!" "Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied. The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?" "We ate about a third of the box on the way home."

Vipul’s Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two Aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office. "Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children." The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them." The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --PING! He had a brand-new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go?" The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here." and PING! In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the Chesapeake Bay. "One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand. "Yes, one more wish, I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans" and PING! The man was transformed, wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. "What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?" The fairy said, "Tough shit, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself!"

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.... "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges." The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded. Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."

Scott and Glenn were stumbling around town after living it up on New Year's eve. Scott said to Glenn, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." Glenn stops and looks at his Scott friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Hey, could you help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!" The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?" "Well," said the doc,"you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No," replied the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No." replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!""Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life." Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?

Wife to drunken husband: From now on, if your lips touch liquor, you will never touch mine. What are you thinking? Husband: Deciding, 18 year old scotch or 36 year old lips

Little Hodiaki

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good! Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...' Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F. . k the Japs.'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little s. . t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh s. . t. We're screwed!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The American people, November 4, 2008.'

Americans and Russians When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Enjoy paying your taxes, they're coming due again.

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..." Her trial starts next week. THE GOLDEN TELEPHONE

While on vacation in Rome , I noticed a marble column in St. Peter's Basilica with a golden telephone on it. A young priest passed by so I asked him what the telephone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to Heaven and, if I'd like to call, it would cost a thousand dollars. I was amazed but declined the offer.

Throughout Italy I kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column outside

churches. At each I asked and the answer was always the same: A direct line to Heaven that I could call for a thousand dollars.

I continued my Mediterranean tour and arrived in Israel where I attended services at a local synagogue. As I walked in the door, I noticed a golden telephone. Underneath there was a sign: "Direct Line To Heaven: 25 Cents."

"Rabbi," I asked, "I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price of a call to Heaven is always a thousand dollars. Why does this one cost only 25 cents?"

The rabbi smiled and responded, "You're in Israel now. It's a local call."

Flying on Obama's private plane (AKA: Air Force 1) Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy!" Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten People very happy!"Michelle added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy." Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 65 million people very happy!"

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" She replied, "That you did father." The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet Father," said she. "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you." "Thank you, Father." And away she went. A few years later he ran into Mrs. O'Donovan's husband. "Well, now, Mr. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?" "Oh, very well," said he. "And tell me," He said, "have the O'Donovans had any wee ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father. Three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all." "Now, isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely wife?" "Oh," he said, "she's gone to Rome... to blow out that candle!"

Interviewer: what is your birth date? Sardar: 13th October

Which year? Sardar: Oye ullu ke pathe _ _ _ EVERY YEAR Manager asked sardar at an interview. Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it? Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X. After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife, Do I look like a foreigner? Wife: No! Why? Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

One tourist from U.S.A. asked Sardar: Any great man born in this village??? Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!! A guy went up to his father saying: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!" Father: That's great son. Who is it? Son: It's Sandra, the neighbour’s daughter. Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother, Sandra is actually your sister. The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, and indeed, a couple of months later ... Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter! Father: That's great son. Who is it? Son: It's Angela, The other neighbor’s daughter. Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister. This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father! The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father". ha ha ha ha

Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi So Sardar writes, "Gandhi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi. When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted the mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? You Sit behind. I will drive. Interviewer: Just imagine you are on the 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape? Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!! Sardar: My mobile bill how much? Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL. Sardar: I think that girl is deaf.. Friend: How do u know? Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world? Sardar: ZEBRA

Teacher: How? Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White Sardar attending an interview in Software Company. Manager: Do U know MS Office? Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir. Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay " Air hostess said: "B silent.." Sardar: "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay" Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?" Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...!!! Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple? Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE Santa was trying to sell his old car. He was having a lot of problems because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, he told his problem to his buddy Banta who told him, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied Santa, "I just need to sell the car." "Okay," said Banta, "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, Santa made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, Banta asked him, "So... did you sell your car?" "No," replied Santa, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

A redneck girl was dating a fellow in Pennsylvania named Clarence. They got into a huge fight and she told her two brothers, Billy Bob and Billy Jim, about it. They jumped into their pickup truck and headed to Pennsylvania to settle the score with Clarence. They reached the state line and after passing under an overpass, Billy Bob made a quick U- turn and headed back toward home. Billy Jim asked why he had turned around. Billy Bob replied, "I ain't messing around with that dude. Did you see that sign back there? 'Clearance 14 feet 8 inches.'"

The only man in this world, who likes women fully- covered is a Life insurance agent.

Why American names are like JACKSON,WILSON,MARKSON,ROBINSON,KENSON,ANDERSON,DAVIDSON,JEMSON,JOHNSON Because, Mom can remember who is whose son!

BLONDE GUY JOKE An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."

John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts. A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in aplastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said,"I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said, “Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

One day, a gorilla escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing it. At last, the gorilla was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned to the library where they found it sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The gorilla was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible and the other was Darwin's "Origin of Species". The zookeepers asked the gorilla what he was doing. The gorilla replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother." Let us assume," said the professor, "that you are aboard a small craft alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several thousand sex starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid any problem?""I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction," stated the brunette."I would pass them, trusting my knife and a bottle of

mace to keep me safe," responded the redhead."Frankly" murmured the blonde, “I understand the situation, but I fail to see the problem."

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

There's nothing really wrong with you," the doctor told his patient. "You're just sexually frustrated. Go out tonight, find a woman, and have yourself a good time." The patient promised he would, and, true to his word, that night found him in the arms of a responsive trollop. When the affair was concluded she said: "That will be fifty dollars, sir." The guy was shocked."Oh, no," he said, "you don't understand. This was done on doctor's orders.""That's fine, but I still have to get paid," the girl insisted. "I know," he explained, "but I've got Blue Cross." A wife was in bed pounding the mattress with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife, "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four! Damn, you're right."

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation." The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter the next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

Kenya Revenue decides to audit Kanjibhai, and summons him to the Kenya Revenue Authority office. The KRA auditor was not surprised when Kanjibhai showed up with his auditor from Patel & Patel. The KRA auditor said, 'Well, Mzee, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. Such money is not income or taxable but I'm not sure Kenya Revenue Authority finds your story believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Kanjibhai . 'How about a demonstration?' The KRA auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Kanjibhai says, 'I'll bet you a ten thousand shillings (10,000/-) that I can bite my own eye.' The KRA auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet Mzee.'

Kanjibhai removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Kanjibhai says, 'Now, I'll bet you twenty thousand Shillings that I can bite my other eye."' Now the KRA auditor can tell Kanjibhai isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Kanjibhai removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned KRA auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost thirty grand (remember this is not a very large sum for KRA officers ), with Kanjibhai auditor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Kanjibhai asks 'I'll bet you Fifty Thousand Shillings that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side of your desk, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The KRA auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully at odds and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Kanjibhai stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the KRA desk. The KRA auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Kanjibhai's own auditor from Patel & Patel moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the KRA auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the Patel auditor. 'This morning, when Kanjibhai told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me three hundred thousand Shillings that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' Don't Mess with Kanjibhai !

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a b!tch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a b!tch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a b!tch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

I'm ashamed of you," Auntie Professor said. "Fighting with your cousin is a terrible thing to do!""Maury threw a rock at me!" little Pauly said. "So I threw one at him."Auntie stated emphatically, "When Maury threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."Little Pauly: "What good would that have done? I bet my aim is five times better than yours."

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . . Doctor: "What happened?" Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...." Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle". 2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again. Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me. Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Rachel and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Rachel, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Rachel, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Iowa and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses." "Well, I have contacts," the woman replied. "Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket."

Mohammad entered his school classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad," answered the boy. Here in France, there is no Mohammad. "From now on your name will be Jean-Francois," replied the teacher. In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "The day went well Mohammad?", asked his mother. "My name is not Mohammad. I am in France now and my name is Jean-Francois."Ah, are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to disown your parents??? Your heritage? Shame on you!" ...And she beat him. Then she called the father and he beat him very hard. The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened my little Jean-Francois?""Well, Madame, two hours after becoming French I was attacked by two Arab terrorists."

A speeding motorist was caught after being observed by an overhead police helicopter. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "even He is against me?"

Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don't know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it's done. One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me.

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands. She whispers in his ear "That's me before the surgery."

A man walked into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box. He set the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck began dancing. The bartender found this rather interesting as did the rest of the customers in the pub. They all came round the duck and watched it for hours, and while doing so, bought more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar was full of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving the odd quack now and again. The bar tender realized that he hadn't seen business this good in a long time. It was so good that he offered to buy the duck from the man to which the man agrees to sell for $500. The bartender thinks it is a bit expensive but agrees to buy it anyhow. On selling the duck, the man went home, leaving a crowded bar watching his dancing duck. Later that night, the man got a telephone call; it was the bartender and he exclaimed that the duck was a great success and that he earned his money back in the amount of drinks he sold, but he inquired, "There is one thing... How do you get the duck to stop dancing?" "Oh simple—just take the lid off the biscuit box and blow out the candle."

"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?" "A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" asked his wife.The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow!"

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the

bench. "Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!" With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

One morning a crippled man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" "Flat on his ass over by the holy water," the boy informed him.

A wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She asks, "What does that mean"? He said, "Adordable, Beautiful, Cute Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot". She smiled and said, "Oh, that's sweet, but what about 'I, J, K' "? He said, "I'm Just Kidding' ". His eye is still swollen, but it will get better...

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup? The Italian - throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage. The German - carefully washes the copy, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee. The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee. The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee. The Russian - Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge. The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, drinks tea and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee. The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure. Australia is sending medical teams and supplies. Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million Pakistanis as replacements. God Bless British generosity.

Sardar writing his medical entrance exam, gives definitions as follows Antibody: Against everybody. Artery: Study of fine paintings. Genes: Blue denims. Hymen: Greeting 2 several males. Labour pain: Hurt at work. Liposuction: French kiss. Microbes: Small dressing gowns. Cardiology: Advanced study of playing cards. Cat scan: Searching for lost cat. Coma: Punctuation mark. Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria....

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. MAN: "Hello"? WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $ 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, Go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: “$ 70,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing . The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $ 950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.He smiles and asks: "Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?"

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts. A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

After a church service on Sunday Morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun top stand up and yell than to sit down and listen."

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "The same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Jon was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed Jon by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jon replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a

copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travellers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

A turkey was chatting with a bull: "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, " but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strengh to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it can't keep you there. A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll

give him a piece of my mind! "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman. "No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold." She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?" To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

A father of five young children won a toy at a raffle. Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?" After no more than a moment of thought, five small voices answered in unison: "You, Daddy!"

The CIA seems to have been encountering problems with filling an opening for a position as an assassin. It seems that after several thousand applicants were interviewed, the choice was narrowed down to two men and a woman. As a final test of suitability, a test was devised to ensure the applicants' unswerving loyalty and dedication to following instructions without question, and as such, the final choice could be made. The first man was taken to a closed door and told "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, open the door, take this gun and kill her". The man immediately balked at the procedure, and admitted he was not the man for the job, as he could never shoot his wife. The second man was taken to the room and given the gun and told to go in and shoot his wife who would be sitting inside the room on a chair, and he went into the room with the gun and closed the door, but came out about five minutes later. He had tears in his eyes and he also said that he was unable to shoot his wife, even though those were his orders. It had been proven that he was not the man for the job either. He was told to take his wife and go home. The woman was then taken to the door of the room, and told that inside the door sat her husband, and that to prove her unswerving loyalty to the company, she must kill her husband. She took the gun, opened the door and went in the room, then closed the door. There were several shots heard, then all sorts of loud noise was heard from inside the room as the agents outside tried to get inside the room, the door of which she had locked. Still unable to get in, the agents could only wait until the room fell silent and the woman finally opened the door. They asked her what had happened and she wiped her brow and replied,

"You guys didn't tell me that the gun was loaded with blanks, I had the beat him to death with the chair".

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub somewhere in Maine. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands." "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time." The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I'm here in London. When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says," I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss. " The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no," he, said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" . " The only thing is . I just quit drinking!!!

A very cheap man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send

it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.

In due time, the man received an acknowledgement from his friend. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately." A fire started in some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight toward the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames, and stopped. The volunteers jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's' car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane In a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mom, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to Look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his Pants off, then Aunt Jane ...At this point Mommy cut him off and said, ' Johnny , this is such An interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.' At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the Playground and I saw my Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a Big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.' Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story Before you interrupt!

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, ‘I’ll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you...' The girl looked at him, and then said 'NO.' Eddie said 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll finish by

the time you've picked it up. ‘She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, ‘Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happen...? still breathing hard, she managed to reply, the bastard had all quarters!

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime! Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day. Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day.

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace.Here are some sleeping Pills. Wife: When must I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you, so he can have his rest and peace.

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.. Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ? Husband: A lovely Push...!

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying, until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," grandmother replied, "but I was just checking his pulse."

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?" To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in marketing, not management."

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly forward. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve. The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk. About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pete, that's the idiot who climbed into the car while we were pushing."

The math teacher saw that little Andy wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Andy! What are 4, 2, 28, and 44?" Little Andy quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, MTV and the Cartoon Network!"

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing"? The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How"? asks the man, puzzled. "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV". Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!" First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra

A woman went into hospital to have her wrinkles removed, but she woke up to find that the surgeon had given her breast implants. "What have you done?" she demanded. "I came here to have the wrinkles on my face removed, but instead you've given me these huge breasts." "Yes," said the surgeon, "but at least nobody's looking at your wrinkles anymore."

A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and some chit chat the priest said, "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?" He then realized the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar." A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do. The rabbi leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off. The relieved priest said, "Thanks, what did you tell him?" The rabbi replied, "I just told him we're on our honeymoon."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'". Kevin turned to his younger brother & said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A well-dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scroungy- looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber." Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there, mister?" The drunk stammered, "Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber. “The lawyer said, "Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?" The drunk replied, "Outta my nose."

"Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing. “I’ll have my nurse make an appointment for her, but in the meantime, there's a simple, informal test you can run to give us an idea how bad the problem is. Here's what you do: start out about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on, until you get a response." That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So, the husband moves to the other end of the room and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response. Next, he moves into the dining room. "Honey, what's for supper?" He gets no response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again, there was no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?" "Harry! For the fifth time, I said chicken!" Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought...... But you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought...... But you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart...... But I was wrong, too!"

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.' The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?' As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?' 'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.' 'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty Clever’. I think I'll try that at the next house.' Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.' 'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.' As they left,

the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct but how did you arrive at it?' 'I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts." He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded. "If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button. “What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked. "No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied. “A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

My grocery cart's wheel was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. When I finished my shopping, I saw a cartless woman and offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works." "That's okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home just like that."

GOD: I Can’t Be Everywhere So I Created MOTHERS DEVIL: I Can't Be Everywhere So I Created GIRLS. GOD: Don’t Worry I Have Created BOYS To Change Them To MOTHERS!

SARDARJI bought a new mobile. He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile No. has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

SARDARJI : I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College . Friend: Really, what is he studying. SARDARJI : No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

SARDARJI : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night. DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok. SARDARJI : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is final game.

SARDARJI : If I die, will u remarry? Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry? SARDARJI : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

SARDARJI : People consider me as a 'GOD' Wife: How do you know?? SARDARJI : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again..

SARDARJI complained to the police: 'Sir, all the items are missing, except the TV in my house.' Police: 'Howz that the thief did not take the TV?' SARDARJI : 'I was watching TV news...'

SARDARJI comes back to his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine' He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for the compliment.'

How do you recognize a SARDARJI in School? He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

Once a SARDARJI was walking. He had a glove only on one hand . So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

SARDARJI was in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

SARDARJI : Why are all these people running? Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup SARDARJI - If only the winner will get the cup, then why are the others running?

Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense SARDARJI : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

Diaper Duty The young couple had just brought their new baby home. The wife suggested, "Perhaps you should try your hand at changing diapers." "I'm busy. I'll do the next one." The next time came around. Once again, the wife suggested that the husband change the baby's diaper. "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

A woman went into hospital to have her wrinkles removed, but she woke up to find that the surgeon had given her breast implants. "What have you done?" she demanded. "I came here to have the wrinkles on my face removed, but instead you've given me these huge breasts.""Yes," said the surgeon, "but at least nobody's looking at your wrinkles anymore."

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME! His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for CNN’ he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

When I asked her to the prom... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to dance... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to move in with me... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to kiss me... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to make love to me... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked for her hand in marriage... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to bear my children...

She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. That's when I realized she was a Retard.

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

The compulsive gambler walked into a gay bar, ordered a drink and struck up a conversation with a fellow at the bar. When his companion went to take a leak, the gambler turned to the guy n the other side of him and said boldly, "I bet you $200 you've got terrible hemorrhoids." Knowing this wasn't the case, the man readily agreed to the bet, stood up and pulled down his pants. The gambler looked and looked, didn't find a single hemorrhoid. He promptly handed over the $200 and headed for the men's room. The winner sat back down on his bar stool and delightfully recounted the story to his friend on his return. To his surprise, his friend pales. "That son-of-a-bitch!" he cried. "Just ten minutes ago he bet me a $1,000 he'd have you drop your pants in the middle of the bar...!"

Old D Have you heard about the poor hunter whose wife and mother-in -law insisted he take them on a hunting trip? It seems he finally gave in. One evening, after yet another uneventful hunt, he called it a day and started towards the camp, intending to collect the women from their stands on the way back. As his wife was climbing down from her stand, they heard his mother-in-law scream. Rushing towards the sound, they rounded a clearing and came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree and a large bear stood facing her. "Darling," the wife cried, "what are we going to do?" "Be still..." said the husband. "That bear got himself in to this mess, let him get himself out of it!"

Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?" A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?" Mr. Tuttle complied with the request. In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?" "Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."

The hot shot executive goes out and buys a Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car in the whole world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping it

for a red light, an old man on a Moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car 'ya got there, sonny?" The executive replies, "A Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool guy proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then, the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, gets on Interstate 66, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the Moped. "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a Moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees the dot in his rear view mirror, getting bigger! Whooooooosh! Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The executive jumps out, and it IS the old man! Of course, the Moped and the old man are hurting' bad. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt badly! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man moans and replies, "Yes..... Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.' Then there was a man who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money for it from the bank. The banker who lends the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbours cows as well." "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do?" "Just gave him some pills," replies the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asks the banker? "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like chocolate."

The 82-year-old man went to the doctor for a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the guy walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor saw the guy again and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" "Just

doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" "What I said was, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'" You tell me!

Martin had just received his brand new driver’s license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to the 'ole man.. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm going to sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

A hunter insisted his wife and frequently visiting mother-in-law experience the animals of Africa and took them for hunting. In the morning wife noticed her mother was missing, woke up her husband and both came out searching for her. There she was, under threat from roaring lion ready to jump on her. Wife started screaming and pleading husband to do something. Husband responded, "Nothing I can do,the damn lion got himself in trouble so let him find his own escape."

A woman was leaving a cafe when she noticed an unusual funeral. A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary woman walking with a black dog. Behind her was a queue of 200 women walking in single line. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She approached the woman walking with the dog, " " I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in a single line. Whose funeral is it? The woman replied, that first coffin is for my husband. What happened to him? My dog attacked and killed him. Well, who is in the second coffin? My mother-in- law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog attacked and killed her also. A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. Then the woman asks in excitement, Can I borrow the dog? The other woman replied, Join the queue. Women are evil!!!!

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet, my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room. "He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed. "Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

Seven retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife?" They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.""Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror. He noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head. In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all. Barack drank the conc! oction and said, that tasted like "bull shit!" "It was." the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he'd just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to him, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now. As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE! So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, "This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one."

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which has to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll

give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the world are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," say the blonde, “but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here." The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and said, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replied, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie." Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?" "Nope," replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?" 'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.' In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?' Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 'Then I call them by their last names.'

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks And then they want to kill the woman who does.

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex. Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life? Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

The stock markets now are like an old man's dick? Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone Is still getting screwed!

This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan ...... "We stare because we care!"

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich behind him. The bartender asks for his order, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and both order a beer. Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again and the bartender asks, "The usual?" "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic, and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live! "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir; what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning. .... Today you voted.' While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is... He says that, it is to surround him with intelligent people. Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate." Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir!” "Correct. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs up and says," Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put Condoleezza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls

Colin Powell and explains the problem. "Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course." Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Manmohan Singh!"

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.

"OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know i m idiot?"

Barry woke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw were a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sat down and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Barry looked around the room and noticed that it was in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins and noticed a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he went to the kitchen and sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper waited on the table. His son was also there, already eating. Barry inquired, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son replied, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, threw up in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Barry asked, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son responded, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, 'Lady leave me alone, I'm married!'"

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing"? she asked. "Hunting flies," he responded. "Oh! Killing any"? she asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart"? He responded, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. The man thought it would be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered." The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!" Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!" The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future, she finds the answer. “You will die on an American holiday. Which one? Osama bin Laden asks nervously. "It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!"

A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.' The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me!!!.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear!!!!? Do you understand!!!!?' The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and sees the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified. The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge! Show him your badge !!"

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!The Japanese exclaimed, "What??� so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You use to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you use to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said : "Then you use to bite my neck" Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going ?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. “How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died. “OH, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died. Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck. “A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors. His dad was surprised when Johnny's mom suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday. “Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior?" he said. "Well, no," she admitted, "But it will spread it over a wider area."

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a $1,000 bet for anyone to prove them wrong. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice from the lemon would win the money. Many people tried to win the bet over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter died down, the bartender said, "Okay," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

A small boy ran down the street in search of a cop. Eventually finding one, he begged, "Please come back to the bar with me. My dad is in a fight!" The officer accompanied him back to the bar where he found three men involved in a violent fist-fight. "OK, son," said the cop, "which one is your father?" "I don't know," said the boy. "That's what they're fighting about!"

A banker married an attractive widow with two beautiful teenage daughters. After several weeks, gossip established that the banker was making it out well with his stepdaughters. One day, a friend cornered him and said, "Clyde, I don't mean to pry, but people are saying you pay more attention to your step-daughters than your wife."The banker replied, "Of course I do, why should I touch my principle when I'm doing so well with my interest."

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.'From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 We are going to make love all night.' The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!' 'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband? 'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied, 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven. The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter Heaven. The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter Heaven either. Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing. "Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke." "I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."

A Russian man is walking through a bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell him some illegal Viagra for 100 rubles. "No, not worth it!" he says "OK, how about 50 rubles?" "No, not worth it!" "OK, 20?" "No, not worth it!" "How about 10?" "No, not worth it!" "Listen, these pills cost $10 American each. How can you say they are not worth it?" "Oh, the pills are worth it, it's my wife is not worth it."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good- looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again , you're fired.'

Home Alone?

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered Little Johnny. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again Little Johnny whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered Little Johnny. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering Little Johnny. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello- copper!" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, Little Johnny replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

The Saddest Story Ever...

Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and

Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

"I'm confused," Little Johnny admitted to his teacher. "Tell me about it," said his teacher, "and I will try to help you understand." "I went to church last Sunday and they kept telling me to stand up for Jesus," said Little Johnny, "But then I went to the ball game, and everyone kept yelling, 'For Christ's sake, sit down!'"

In a wine factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers." "That’s correct", said the boss. Another glass. "It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels." "Correct." The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month, and if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said. "Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that! Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!" "You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,

killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you were the moral to this horrible story?" "Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain."

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs of black bra from Jew.He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty. The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jew's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each. The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, please tell me: What do you do with al l these black bras? The Chinese guy answers: 'I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each.

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She says, "I would take half of the winnings, then leave you." "Excellent", he replies, "I won $12 today. Here's your $6, now get the fuck out."

Zardari And Musharraf In Paris Zardari and Musharraf were in Paris where they made friends with a French guy named

Jean Paul. They used to go all over Paris with him when suddenly one day Jean Paul disappeared. Zardari and Musharraf went to the police and lodged a complaint . The police asked Zardari and Musharraf if they could give some vital clues about Jean Paul that would make finding him. Zardari says..." Jean Paul was handsome and tall" Police... " All Frenchmen are like that... give us something specific" Musharraf says " Jean Paul had blue eyes and was very fair" Police says " C,mon guys, all Frenchmen have blue eyes and they are fair, tell us something specific" Zardari and Musharraf now.... "Oh yes. now we remember, Jean Paul had two holes in his ass !!! Policeman gets really interested now " Now that's something very specific- but tell me , how do you know this ?? Did you guys see it. Zardari and Musharraf ... " No we didn’t see the holes, but wherever we went with Jean Paul, everyone used to say - "Here comes Jean Paul with the TWO assholes."

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding across the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties... The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $25."The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need an over- priced tie... I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! OK," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice Coldwater you need. Shalom." Shouting and cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill towards the water destination.Several hours later he staggered back over the desert hill, almost dead, and said: "Your brother won't let me in without a tie....."

A Sardar went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn’t like Sardar. The game warden ordered the Sardar to show his hunting license, and the Sardar pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. He looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck isn’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec hunting’ license, boy?” The Sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. Then he reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This isn’t Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?” The Sardar reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden again reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This

isn’t Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia hunting’ license?” Again the Sardar reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Sardar “Just where the hell are you from?” The Sardar smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert.”

Sardarji standing below a tube light with an open mouth. Why? Because his doctor advised him: “Today’s dinner should be light !”

One Sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. You know why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking. On a romantic date Sardar girlfriend asks him: “Darling ! On our engagement will you give me a ring?” He said: “Sure ! What’s your phone number?”

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote: “Due To Rain, No Match!”

What does a Sardar do after taking a Xerox? He will compare it with the original for any spelling mistakes.

Why can’t Sardar dial Nine-Eleven (911) at emergency? They cannot find the eleven on the phone.

Sardar and his wife buy coffee in a shop. Sardar: Drink quickly. Wife: Why? Sardar: Hot coffee Rs 5 and cold coffee Rs 10

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art? Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that’s a mirror!

Sardar news: A ‘Two-Seater’ plane crashed in a Graveyard in Punjab (Pakistan). Local Sardar have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more (victims).

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. Man says “Chin Yu Yan” and dies.

Sardar goes to China to find meaning of friend’s Last Words. It is “You are standing on the oxygen tube!”

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. Wife: What you are doing? Sardar: I am seeing how I look while sleeping.

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. As he arrived on the plane, he mentioned to the flight attendant that it had been a very comfortable flight. "Wow, these seats are big!" he told her. She replied, "Everything is big in Texas." Once he had settled into his hotel room, he decided to go downstairs to the bar. He ordered a beer and had a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but missed the second door and instead went out a third door that lead to the swimming pool, which he fell into. As he came up for air, you could hear him cry out, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late. A classified ad which read "Wife Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying "You can have mine." Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not. A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

Last night I was talking to a good looking young woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs. I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch. Apparently, NOW, I'm not welcome back at KFC While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. And then He made the earth round.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'what is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

One day, a guy was driving with his four-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident. “She replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!" Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

For Sale: Wedding Dress, Size 8. Worn Once By Mistake.

Every Wife Is A 'Mistress" For Her Husband. "Miss" For One Hour &"Stress" For the Rest 23 Hours..!.

There Are Two Times When a Man Doesn't Understand a Woman Before Marriage and After Marriage.

Wife: I Will Die. Husband: I Will Also Die.

Wife: Why Will You Die? Husband: Because I Can't Bear That Much Happiness..!.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences. He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Why Hurricanes Were Usually Named After Women? Because When They Arrive, They're Wet and Wild, But When They Go, They Take Your House And Car.

Text Messaging Husband Sends the Following Message to His Wife My Love, If you’re Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams. If you’re Smiling, Send Me Your Smile. If you’re Crying, Send Me Your Tears. I Love You. Wife Texted Back: I'm In the Toilet, What Should I Send You?

The Woman Applying For A Job In A Florida Lemon Grove Seemed Way Too Qualified For The Job. "Look Miss," Said The Foreman, "Have You Any Actual Experience In Picking Lemons?" "Well, As A Matter Of Fact, Yes!" She Replied. "I've Been Divorced Three Times."

Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention. One Double and You Start Feeling Single Again.

A Man Goes To the Wizard to Ask If He Can Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years. The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You." The Man Says Without Hesitation, "I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."

Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle Wife?` Google Search Result, `still Searching`.

A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me. Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men. In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her!

I'm GoingCrazy. What Do You Think I Should Do?" "Relax," SaysThe Doctor, "Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down. Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"

Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife’s Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target.. From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing.. Husband: MISSING YOU.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?’

Sylvia was in her backyard hanging up her washing when Sarah, her next door neighbor, poked her head over the fence and said, "I don't like being the one to have to tell you this Sylvia, but there's a rumor going around that your husband Robert is chasing the women.""So what?" said Sylvia."But at his age!" said Sarah, "He's over 80 isn't he?" "Ya, so he's eighty- two, so what?" replied Sylvia. "Let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars, but when they catch one, can they drive it?" A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist. "So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor. "My local General Practitioner." "Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?" "He told me to come and see you."

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer .... For a couple of months.While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married,what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled, `Yes', he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer....

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

A man got two wishes from God? He asked for the best drink and the best woman ever? Next moment he got Mineral water & Mother Teresa. Moral: Be specific.

SOUTH INDIAN: Whats the opposite of Gopalakrishnan? Come - palakrishnan.

What is the opposite of Subramnium Swamy? Subramanium Didn't See Me.

How do they start a road race in Tamil Nadu? Ready....Steady. ....PO

What do you call a really colourful Tamilian? Rangamani Rangarajan.

GUJARATI: Why does the Gujju go to London? To see his Big Ben (Elder sister).

Why did the visitor to the Gujju's home run away when he was offered tea? Because the Gujju said "he would serve snakes with tea".

What is a Gujju picnic called? A snake in the grass.

Why did the American get scared of the Gujju? Because he said 'Sue kare chhe.'

What did the Gujju! mean when he said," Maro dikro STATES ma gayon?" His son failed in statistics.

Maro dikro Dubai gayo? My son drowned.

Which programs do gujjus couples love to watch on TV?

Be-watch (Baywatch, Be in gujju is 2)

What do you call a knee less gujju ? Nilesh (Pronounced Nee-Less)

Did you hear about the sardarji who is so rich he has two swimming pools, one of which is always empty? It is for people who can't swim!

Santa Singh: Will this bus take me to Jalandhar? Driver: Which part? Santa Singh: All of me, of course!

Sardarji calls Air India. 'How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?' 'Just a sec,' says the customer service assistant. 'Thank you.' says the Sardarji and hangs up.

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling. “Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Wedding Blues: A newly married Husband saved his wife's number on his mobile as "MY LIFE"; After one year of marriage, it was found changed to " MY WIFE"; After Five years of Marriage: "HOME" and after Ten Years "HITLER" and after Silver Anniversary "WRONG NUMBER"

An English professor wrote the words: “A woman without her man is nothing" On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly...

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

There was a Cricket fan with a really crappy seat at Mumbai stadium. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat near boundary line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Cricket fan." The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at her funeral."

A couple goes to the zoo for lunch and stops in front of the monkey cage. A large monkey begins looking at them. The man tosses the monkey a peach from his lunch bag. Monkey looks at the peach, breaks it in half, takes the pit out, shoves it up its ass, takes it back out, puts the pit back in the peach, closes the two halves, and eats the peach. The couple is grossed out by this, but curious as to whether the monkey would do it again, so the man tosses the monkey his second peach. The monkey looks at the second peach, breaks it in half, takes the pit out, shoves it up its ass, takes it back out, puts the pit back in the peach, closes the two halves, and eats the peach. The couple is really disgusted by this. Just then, the zoo keeper walks by, so the couple stops him and asks why the monkey has such a disgusting habit. The zoo keeper says, "Oh yeah, he's been doing that for about 2 weeks now. Ever since someone gave him an Avacado, and he had trouble passing the pit. Now he checks to make sure they fit before he eats anything..."

Santa Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying a Passport size photograph of his son (for college admission). Accidently, the photograph fell down from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically and found the same on the floor of the bus. Politely, he asked the saree clad female, standing in front of him, "Can you lift your saree? I want to take a photograph" The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted in a hospital. He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him, in a still worse condition. Banta started to explain his "Adventure”. He had gone to a remote village on some work & due to his high level of intelligence, couldn't finish the work on time. He had missed the last bus from that place. He couldn't find any Hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the owner whether he could stay there for the night. The owner replied, "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can ‘tallow you to stay”. He approached the next house and asked whether he could stay there for the night. The owner replied, "I have 3 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can’t allow you to stay”. He went towards the next house and without taking any risks, asked, "Do you have "grown up" daughters?”. The owner asked, "WHY?????????" Banta replied, "I want to stay here for a night.....”

USA lost many lives in 9 -11-01. Now Japan lost more lives in 03-10-11.. Now add these 2 dates and you will get 12-21-12!!! Now this date is predicted as the End of the World!!! World Trade Center attack was on 11th September 2001 and in japan it was on 10th march 2011 On adding we get 21/12/12 ....which is exactly the same date, according to the Mayan calendar, predicted as end of the world.

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane: “I think everyone's asleep, let’s go" "This one's empty ... no-one’s looking... you go in first", "It's a bit cramped - let me sit down" "Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on", Sniff "Ah perfume - you think of everything" "This is great....." (Long sigh) Static on the loud speaker then a new voice. "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations... Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous Customer, I'll smell it and order from there. “A little curious, the owner walks over to a dirty pile and Picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." "Unbelievable!" In the kitchen, the owner exclaims to his wife Theresa, who is also the cook, and tells her what has just happened. A few days later the blind man returns, and the owner brings him a menu."Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great; I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." In disbelief, the owner tells his wife Theresa that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Theresa, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Theresa does it and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man sits down, the owner is

ready. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Theresa works here?*

A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful blonde woman. Without any preliminaries, she declared that she wanted a divorce. "On what grounds?" asked the lawyer. "I don't think he is faithful to me," she replied. "And what makes you think he isn't faithful?" asked the lawyer. "Well, for one thing," replied the young lady, “I don't think he's the father of my child."

Arrested for laughing!!

This is from an actual trial in the UK.

A young Woman who was several months pregnant was sittin in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat & he seemed more amused....She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more, she filed a court case on him

In the court the Man's defence was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read 'Coming Soon- The unknown boon'.

I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's stick did the trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer, when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.

The case was dismissed, the judge fell off his chair laughing.

Julie was driving down a snowy country road in Vermont when she came to a real old- fashioned one-lane covered bridge. As they entered, another car came in from the opposite direction. They met in the middle and stood still with their cars facing each other for a moment. The man in the other car leaned out of his window and shouted, "I don't back up for idiots!" Julie began backing up leaned out of her window and yelled back, "I do!"

Pharmaceutical Understanding

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

The congregation for a Westchester synagogue was interviewing for a new Rabbi. The best candidate turned out to be the first Japanese rabbi they ever met, so, they offered him the position on a one year trial basis. At the end of the year, the hiring committee met with Rabbi Naknamura and informed him that they were not going to renew his contract. The Rabbi was surprised and disappointed by this turn of events. He asked, "Would you tell me what my deficiencies were so that I may correct them? Was it my sermons?" The committee assured him that his sermons moved the entire congregation to tears or lifted them to the heights of rapture. His sermons were the best they ever heard. "Was it that I was not friendly enough, not approachable enough, then?" No, he was told, no rabbi they had ever had had been so diligent in seeking out every family of the congregation. No, he was very approachable and friendly he was told. "Was my singing at the services not good enough, then?" He was assured that he had a wonderful voice and they were delighted with it. "Well," he asked puzzled, "how was I deficient, then?" The chairman of the committee looks a little uncomfortable as he said, "It was your manner of conducting a bris (ritual circumcision). Our congregation just isn't ready for you to shout out 'Bonsai' as you circumcise."

There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death. So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly). Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.) Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid, I'm wearing a condom!"

Blonde paint job A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Girls night out Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Impossible to Please A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A Muslim kid can’t find his mother in the supermarket.

The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’ The kid says “How the hell would I know?!!!”

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that londes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said to achieve best results, put on two coats.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? A: Pick it up, pull out the pin, and throw it back.

A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. "Who is it?" "Blind man," came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

A woman and her ten year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. "Mom" said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?" "Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

A wife asked her husband to describe her. He said, "You're A B C D E F G H I J K." She said, "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable Beautiful Cute Delightful Elegant Foxy Gorgeous Hot" She said, "Ooohh that's so lovely, but what about I J K ?" He said "I'm Just Kidding."

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." "You bastard!" yells a voice from the back of the courtroom. "You're also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer," says the

judge."Bastard!" the same person yells.The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt.""I'm sorry, Your Honor," says the man. "But I've been this bastard's neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut-off a man's testicles, we put them into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work".The German doctor comments: "That´s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out from a person, we put it into another person's head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work".A Russian doctor says: That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart out from a person, we put it into another person's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.The US doctor answers immediately: That's nothing colleagues, you are way behind us . . . . in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls ...... we made him President and now the whole country is looking for work!!!!!

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door."Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?""I just wanted to know why you can't ring it for yourself."

At the start of every Mass, the priest would make the sign of the cross, followed as usual by the entrance song and the blessing "The Lord be with you", to which the congregation responded, "And also with you." One Sunday, after making the sign of the cross, our priest appeared to be having difficulty with the sound system during the singing of the entrance hymn. At the conclusion of the song, the priest said, "There seems to be something wrong with the mike." The congregation automatically responded, "And also with you."

An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony. But being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her past and finding out if she had any previous affairs with any men. After a few days, the politician at last received his detective's report, which went like this: "Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear, her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character. But yes, according to my

sources, for the last couple of months she's been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?' To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

A man is sitting in the Edgar Bar in Montana and was far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass." Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him off his bar stool, then stomps out. He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer. Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says "She is a horse's ass too!" Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again. He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country?" "Nope." Replies the bartender, “Horse country."

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful twenty room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course and three Rolls Royces." "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?!!" "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "And the Titanic only crashed once."

Ahkmed the Arab came to America from the Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on

de poop and den put your head down over bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.' Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?' The doctor said.... 'You were homesick'.

A man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical. After awhile, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another six weeks to live." "But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do"? After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day." Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me"? "No," replied the doctor, "but it just might get you used to the dirt." "Give me a sentence about one of the public servants we learned about today," said the teacher.

One small boy wrote, "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the boy aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," he said confidently. "It means carrying a child."

An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman. "Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house." "Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But you're forty years too late.

Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now dear, you are a Catholic." Santa's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard,

clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted:"Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now dears.... you are a potato and tomato"!!!

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife! Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!

Santa and his wife, Jeeto had just gone to bed for the night. Just as Santa was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, "I hear someone breaking in." At least two nights a week for twenty years Santa had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So this time also he went out for a routine check. When Santa entered the den he was suprised by an intruder. The man held a gun on him and continued to rob the house. As the theif was about to leave our Santa said, "You have to go and meet my wife, Jeeto." The thief said, " Why on earth would you want me to meet your wife?" Santa replied, "Well, she's been expecting you for 20 years."

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, Santa asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said the Santa, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

Just after Santa got married, he was invited out for a night with the friends. So Santa told his wife, Jeeto that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, so at around 2.30 AM Santa was drunk as a skunk, and headed for home. After about half an hour just as Santa got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up, so he cuckooed another 9 times. Santa was really proud of himself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed. Next morning his wife, Jeeto asked him what time he got in and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When Santa asked her why, Jeeto said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted."

Santa and Banta left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. Banta screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face here!"

Santa sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. Banta rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" Banta handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to Santa, rolling up the window in terror. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. Santa said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," Banta yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. Banta threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!" They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. "Oh my God! He's back!" Banta rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

Santa gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. He has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as he boarded the plane, a Boeing737, he started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." He sort of forgets where he is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at Santa and the angry Pilot. Santa stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

On reaching his plane seat Banta is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness Banta tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to Banta and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked Banta as he set the Banta's broken leg."Well, doctor, 15 years ago..." "Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.""Like I was saying... 15 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?" "Well, this morning," Banta explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

Banta's wife, Preeto, goes to England to attend a two-week, company training session. Banta drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. Preeto answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?" Banta laughs and says, "An English girl !!! Preeto kept quiet and left. Two weeks later Banta picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?" "Which present?"

"What I asked for, the English girl?!" Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl !!!

The CBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him: "Do you love your wife?" "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" "Yes I do, sir." "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" "My country, sir." "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her." The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..." The third guy, Our Santa comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. Santa comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!" "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

Little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened . Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes

A four year old little boy was at the doctor's office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I'm having a baby." With big eyes, he replied, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is." Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It's a really good baby." At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks forward to what he has to say next… And, much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks, "Then why did you eat him?"

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smart aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright." Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and screamed, "What did you do that for?" She smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from innocent to guilty of the charges." The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded. Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started, I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all of the evidence against me."

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone. Not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone. So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing. Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone?" he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?" "I can't," she said. "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

Santa heard his son reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch...'" "Shut up !" shouted furoius Santa. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords". "But, Dad," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it." Next day Santa went right into the classroom to complain. "Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "

Banta, "Preeto and I are going to get a divorce". Santa was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together" "Well" he said, "ever since we got married, Preeto has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market." "Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." Santa probed. "Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Once a Hindu, Muslim and our dear Santa Singh are standing when a Britisher comes and asks "Hey guys what are your favorite flowers? Hindu: "Lotus" Britisher: "Ha I clean my shit with that!" Hindu is surprised and angry as lotus being national flower. Muslim: "Chameli" Britisher: "Ha I clean my shit with that!" Muslim also surprised and angry. Britisher: "sardarji and what is your favorite flower?" Patriotic Santa: "CACTUS! ab kar le saaf."

Santa had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Santa to pull over. When Santa did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Santa, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!" He then went to Santa's car and cut up his leather seats. When he turned around, Santa had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"

He gets a bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at Santa, he has a smile on his face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now Santa's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on her car and sets it on fired. He turns around and Santa is laughing so hard he is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. Santa replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!"

Santa was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. Santa, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel! The car starts very slowly. Santa looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. Santa, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve. Santa, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a bar, asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realize that Santa was crying and wasn't drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar and one said to the other, "Look, that's the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

An Accountant, a Lawyer and a Cowboy were standing Side-by-Side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows ....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I was educated in Horsefly and they taught us not to piss on our hands!"

Santa was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check.

"Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra Five hundred rupees to take the Mrs out to dinner and a movie." Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the painter had forgotten something Santa asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?" "Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your Mrs out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

It was the first time that Santa got into an aeroplane so, he got in, took a seat near a window and was looking out side very keenly. The passenger seated next to him was a bit curious. “Excuse me” he inquired to Santa “What do you see outside ? “We must be high above ground now” said Santa’ people on the ground look like ants from here. “That’s interesting ! said the other passenger, and looked through the window. Then, smiling he said, “They really ARE ants. You know, the plane is yet to take off !

Santa and Banta were looking at a catalog and admiring the models. Santa says to the Banta, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?" Banta replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!" Santa says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

Banta smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too." Three weeks later, Banta asks Santa, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalog?" Santa replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

A wife asked her husband to describe her. He said: you're A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K . She said " what does that mean?" He said, "Adorable,Beautiful,Cute,Delightful, Elegant,Foxy,Gorgeous,Hot. She said , "Oh that's so lovely.What about I , J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding .

Paddy is on a bus, when a young woman sat opposite to him, starts to breast feed her baby. "Come on, eat up, or I'll give it to that man over there," she says to the baby. 10 minutes later, she is still trying to feed the baby and says, "Come on, or mummy will give it to that man over there."

Paddy looks over to the woman and says, "For heaven's sake missus, will you make your mind up. I should've got off this bus 3 stops ago!"

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend finishes off some Peanuts on the coffee table. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Sure, since I lost my dentures I can only suck The chocolate off it.

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ...... the little shit's name is Kevin."

A HUSBAND COMES HOME FROM CHURCH; HE GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP. HE THEN CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE. THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED "DID THE BISHOP PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC"? THE HUSBAND SAID, "NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS."

The Pecan Tree On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid. Can't you see it's hard for me to walk"? When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence, they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, but were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now, let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the kid on the bike!

A blonde was on vacation in the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge nine-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, fires, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby are seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. As the shopkeeper stands on the bank, watching in silent amazement, the blonde struggles and flips the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Rats! This one's barefoot too!"

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, about to become rich says, "Oh Granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, granny whispered, "Facebook!"

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail. Finally, he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said "Look, young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere till you eat

something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave. “Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said, "Ok. I'll eat, but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and, second, you'll share with me." Dr. Gill was ok with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh. Dr. Gill was horrified, but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many! Just one!" yelled Josh as he saw the plate. So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two and that Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life and, after he finished eating half of the worm, he barely managed to keep his cool, then said, "Ok, now eat!" Josh refused, sobbing, "No way! You ate MY half!"

An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman. "Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house." "Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But you're forty years too late."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++

Nurse came out with the newborn kid, Santa rushed 2 her & after seeing the kid he shouted, BETA hua BETA. She slapped him: Leave my finger, u fool, Its a gal

A sweet girl goes to Banta's shop and said: Mujhe underwear dikhao. Banta sharmate hue: Aaj pehan kar nahin aaya.

Santa: Woh ladki kitni sundar hai! Banta: Mujhe uska naam pata hai.. Santa: Kya naam hai uska? Banta: Woh bank mein kaam karti hai, uske counter ke upar uska naam likha tha "CHAALU KHAATA"

Translation from hindi to english, "Khushi ke mare uski chaati phool gayi". Santa: Due to happiness, his chest became breast.

Santa ki shaadi ek nurse se ho gayi. Banta: Aur santa, kaisi nibh rahi hai? Santa: Pooch mat yaar, jab tak sister na kaho, bolti hi nahi

In a train compartment husband: Darling, mujhe to tumhari aatma se pyar hai, tumhare jism ki mujhe koi chah nahin. Main tumhari rooh ko chahta hoon, tumhara shareer to main kutton ko daal doon. Banta sitting on upper berth says: BOW BOW

Girl: Will u marry me? Santa: No, humare yahan shaadi sirf relatives mein hi hoti hai. Mummy ne Papa se, Didi ne Jijaji se aur Bhaiya ne Bhabhi se

Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call. Santa: Who r u? Girl: Seeta here. Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya

Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho? Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aaya hai.

Santa: Do you know English? Banta: Yes Santa: Ok! Then tell what is the opposite of NAAG PANCHAMI? Banta: So simple Yaar... NAAG DO NOT PUNCH ME.

Santa & banta sending sms 2 their gfs. Santa:mai tere mobile se apni gf ko sms bheju dekhte hain kya kahti hai? Banta: No, agar usne handwriting pehchan li to...?

Santa was inserting dog's tail into pipe. Banta: Oye, kutte ki dum kabhi seedhi nahi hoti. Santa: Idiot, main to pipe bend kar raha hoon.

Santa: Bhaisahab time kya hua? Man: Sham ke 6 baje hain! Santa: Sala, subah se pooch raha hoon, sab alag alag time bata rahe hain.

SUHAGRAAT KE DIN SARDARNI BOLI: AAJ DUNIYA KA SABSE GANDA KAAM KARDO. SARDAR NE PENT UTARI OR POTTY KAR DI BED PE.

EK ADMI : YAAR YEH SCOOTY KAB LI? SARDAR : KAL RAAT 1 LADKI MUJHE SCOOTY PE BHOT DUR LE GAYEE, SAB KAPDE UTARKE BOLI JO CHAIYE LELO, MAIN SCOOTY LE AAYA KAPDO KA KYA KARNA THA.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, ' Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball..' Man: 'That's nice' Boy: 'Want to buy it?' Man: 'No, thanks.' Boy: 'My Dad's outside.' Man: 'OK, how much?' Boy: '$250' In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy: 'Dark in here.' Man: 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?' Boy: '$750' Man: 'Sold.' A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.' The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?' Boy: '$1,000' The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.' They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.. The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.