ENGLISH JOKES-3 A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken- down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale. “He rings the bell, and the owner appears to tell him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.” I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a bull shitter. He's never been out of the yard." Judge to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?' Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.' Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'your heart would be just below your left breast’. Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee A guy from Colorado goes to Texas to visit a friend and do some hunting. During the first day of hunting they see an illegal alien running through the brush. The Texan takes aim with his rifle and shoots the illegal. The friend is aghast and says to the Texan why on earth did you do that? The friend that did the shooting says it's legal to hunt illegals in Texas. So.....the next day the Colorado fellow is hunting by himself. He stops his truck, gets out and takes a 6 pack of beer off the seat and sets it on the roof of the pickup. Before he can put the beer in his ice chest an illegal alien runs by and grabs the 6 pack off his truck. The Colorado fellow grabs his rifle....takes aim on the fleeing illegal and downs him with one shot. Momentarily a Texas Wildlife Officer who had witnessed the shooting appears on scene and begins writing out a citation the surprised hunter. The fellow says why are you writing me a citation.....isn't it legal to hunt illegals in Texas? The Wildlife Officer says yes it is but you can't bait them. ' Discussing the environment with his friend, one man asked, "Which of our natural resources do you think will become exhausted first?" "The taxpayer," answered the other. The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. The big problem was that he no longer was a "whole man". He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need a new suit. He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long' Joe laughed, 'that’s right, how you knew?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how you knew? I have been in the business 60 years. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.' Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old the salesman shook his head, and ‘You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.' After finishing MBBS Sardar started his practice. He Checked 1st Patient's Eyes, Tongue & Ears By Torch & Finallly Said: "Torch is okay" Sardar got a sms from his girlfriend: "I MISS YOU" Sardarji replied: "I Mr YOU" !!. Sardar attending an interview in Software Company. Manager: Do U know MS Office? Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir. Question: "Should Women have Children after 35?" Smart Sardar Replied:"No! 35 Children R More than Enough!!" Teacher:Which is the oldest animal in world? Sardar: ZEBRA Teacher: How? Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife! Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!! It is all Karma! People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation... - People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers. - People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X, - And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y, Why do we call the last group Generation Y? Y should I get a job? Y should I leave home and find my own place? Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours? Y should I clean my room? Y should I wash and iron my own clothes? Y should I buy any food? But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below... Reality of Life in our Country Most 'First Class' students get technical seats, some become Doctors and some Engineers The 'Second Class' passed, pass MBA, become Administrators and control the 'First Class' The 'Third Class' passed, enter politics and become Ministers and control both Last, but not the least, The 'Failures' join the underworld and control all the above How is that??? Prime Minister Man Mohan Singh walks into State Bank of India to cash a Cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says: 'Good Morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this Cheque for me?' Cashier: 'It would be my pleasure, Sir. Could you please show me your ID?' PM: (utterly shocked) 'I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need. I am Man Mohan Singh, THE Prime Minister of India!' Cashier: 'Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.' PM: 'Just ask anyone here at the Bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!' Cashier: 'I am sorry Mr. Prime Minister, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them strictly.' PM: 'I am urging you, please, to cash this Cheque. Soniaji has gone to America and Rahulji has, by mistake, taken the keys of the safe with him. I need some extra spending money urgently.' Cashier: 'Look Mr. Prime Minister, this is what we can do. Some months back, Baba Ramdev came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Ramdev, he pulled his tummy in so much that it went and touched his back. With that feat, we knew him to be Baba Ramdev and cashed his Cheque. On another occasion, Raju Srivastava came in without his ID. To prove his identity, he mimicked all the actors so well, we knew it was Raju himself and we cashed his Cheque. So, Mr. Prime Minister, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister of India?' PM stood there thinking, thinking and thinking, and finally said: 'Honestly, my mind is totally blank; there is nothing that comes to my mind..
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