Confronting Partner Abuse in Activist Communities
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Confronting Partner Abuse in Activist Communities 1 The Revolution Starts at Home I am not proposing that sexual violence and domestic violence will no longer ex- ist. I am proposing that we create a world where so many people are walking around with the skills and knowledge to support someone that there is no longer a need for anonymous hotlines. I am proposing that we break through the shame of survivors (a result of rape cul- ture) and the victim-blaming ideology of all of us (also a result of rape culture), so that survivors can gain support from the people already in their lives. I am propos- ing that we create a society where com- munity members care enough to hold an abuser accountable so that a survivor does not have to flee their home. I am proposing that all of the folks that have been disap- pointed by systems work together to create alternative systems. I am proposing that we organize. Rebecca Farr, CARA member 2 Confronting Partner Abuse in Activist Communities contents Where the revolution started: an introduction 5 Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha Introduction 9 Ching-In Chen The revolution starts at home: pushing through the fear 10 Jai Dulani There is another way 15 Ana Lara How I learned to stop worrying and love the wreckage 21 Gina de Vries Infestation 24 Jill Aguado, Anida Ali, Kay Barrett, Sarwat Rumi, of Mango Tribe No title 30 Anonymous I married a marxist monster 33 Ziggy Ponting Philly’s pissed and beyond 38 Timothy Colman Notes on partner consent 44 Bran Fenner Femora and fury: on IPV and disability 48 Peggy Munson Untitled 53 Emily Stern Transforming communities: community-based responses to partner abuse 58 Vanessa Huang Taking risks: implementing grassroots community accountability strategies 64 Written by a collective of women of color from Communities Against Rape and Abuse (CARA): Alisa Bierria, Onion Carrillo, Eboni Colbert, Xandra Ibarra, Theryn Kigvamasud’Vashti, and Shale Maulana 3 The Revolution Starts at Home a An interview with Alexis Paulina Gumbs of UBUNTU 82 80 Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha INCITE! Community Accountability Fact Sheet 83 Community Accountability Within the People of Color 84 Progressive Movement Selections from the 2005 Report from INCITE! Women of Color Against Violence Potluck: some strategies from the field 90 Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha Checklist for Intersex and Trans Survivors 93 Abuse is Not S/M and S/M is Not Abuse 95 The Northwest Network The myth of mutual abuse 96 Karen Lee Asherah When your parents made you 99 Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha A litany for survival 102 My stuff: healing with attitude 103 BrokenBeautiful Press Resources 104 About the Editors 110 About the Contributors 110 4 Confronting Partner Abuse in Activist Communities where the revolution started: an introduction In 1996, I am falling in love. I am fucking munity, a poet and a longtime prison justice that hot mixed Latino queer boy who feels and anti-police brutality organizer; I still like my separated at birth brother in a field watched my back. Still lived matter of fact of daisies outside a really horrendous music with PTSD and scanning the streets for him festival in a southern Ontario small hippie as I walked home. Still varied my routes town. I am staying in his one room apart- to that home. Still never went to a club he ment lined with milk crate bookshelves filled might be at alone. with Chrystos, Freire and Sapphire. I am in- credibly happy. I am going to run away from He’d stopped identifying as queer, so I fled America and this is all I need. to women’s country and he got the straight POC zones in the divorce. Zones that didn’t In 1997, I will be running from him. I will be know what to do with us, how to hold him pushing his hands choking me off my neck. accountable or keep me safe. Zones that said, I will be curled up in a closet as he screams “Maybe he has food allergies and that’s why and kicks the door with his boots on. I will be he’s violent.” “Maybe he’s had therapy and lying to the cops so he doesn’t go back to jail. changed - how do you know?” (Because then I will run, finally, into the arms of a commu- he would’ve apologized, asked what I need- nity who loves me and him and has no ideas ed and done it, stopped staring at me with what to do. In 1999, I will leave for good. his lips curled back like he wanted to kill me whenever he saw me.) “Our men go through In 2004, I am sitting behind a gray fuzzy so much, it’s no wonder- you can’t be so hard office divider dividing off a piss-yellow, air- on him.” “What, you’re going to call the cops? less workspace at the tenant hotline that is You’re going to bring the prison-industrial my horrible nonprofit dayjob in Toronto. As complex down on a man of color?” “Have you usual, I’m on Livejournal, my Riseup email tried healing him with love?” “It’s so person- account and Friendster all at the same time, al,” “No one really knows what happens in a while I answer intermittent phone calls from relationship but those two people,” “You’re a people about to be evicted. strong woman of color - you can take it.” Somewhere in the middle of it, I get an email. I left those voices to make my base in the I get a phone call. My ex had been hired as queer/trans of color and women of color com- relief staff at the youth shelter where my munities, which were, thank god, big and lover worked. My ex was on the Evite for strong in my city. I mourned the straight POC the intimate pre-party of the beloved poet’s activist communities I’d lived and worked booklaunch that I was also invited to. One of inside for three years, and I also knew that the youth I used to teach mentioned he was if my partner had been female or trans the spinning at a night she DJd. queer POC communities would mostly not have known what to do with us either. But I Six years after my finally being able to leave also lived in more and more peace and secu- the queer brown man who was my sweetest rity. I grew community that protected me. I thing once, who’d turned into someone who ran into him less and less, even in the year kicked, choked, sneered and yelled; a man where I moved into an apartment four blocks embedded in people of color activist com- away from his new place. (This, in a neigh- 5 The Revolution Starts at Home borhood with one breakfast spot and one criminal screening. I couldn’t get him fired bar.) from every job working with youth in the city. Sometimes I thought I should just leave But I still ran into him. Still looked up and the city, but I didn’t want to be pushed out of saw him staring me down at the club. Still my first city, my first true love, my home. saw him headlining a show, speaking at a rally. Most times, I did nothing. Except that doing nothing is also doing something. It’s continu- I’d gotten away alive. I’d gotten more than ing to get up in the morning, pray, shower, many folks get. But I still wasn’t done. You write, hang out with your friends, live your don’t get done without justice. life. Sometimes it’s the best thing you can do. But I wanted an end. I wanted transforma- ~ tion. I wanted us to finally figure out what to do with abusers I felt caught. I was safe. I wasn’t dead, as he’d threatened (“You ever send me back to jail, Journal entry 9/24/2004 I’ll take you to the cop shop, kill you and then kill myself.”) But I didn’t know how to move My therapist interrupted me in mid “I hate forward. Should I write the dub poet and tell that I would have to start a political move- her that her friend had kicked and choked ment to convince all his friends that he is and terrorized me, a sister poet? Should I abusive and abuse is wrong in order for me contact the heads of the political groups he to feel safe” rant. She said, “But that’s not was a part of and ask them to not have him community accountability. Community ac- as a speaker? I was afraid that any attempt countability means you don’t have to do it all of mine to contact him, or contact people yourself.” in his life and let them know what was up, would be met with a violent, unpredictable road maps to justice in real life backlash against me. A worker in rape crisis and DV, I was familiar with the feminist DV Out of that conversation, I emailed some understanding that the way to go is to cut off friends and we started talking about do- all contact with a stalker or harasser after ing something, together, to challenge part- setting a clear “NO,” that any attempt to ne- ner abuse in activist communities. Because gotiate or discuss would be twisted into ma- it is scary, dangerous and exhausting to do nipulations that screwed with your safety.