WANT TO COOL O 3* Our» Price SIT ON THIS COPY OF.. CHEAP

N THIS ISSUE: SID CAESAR Stop pushing-you'II all get a chance to talk to Grandma" How long has it been since you enjoyed a Long Distance visit?

CELL TELEPHONE SYSTEM Remember. . ."It's Fun to Phone!' NUMBER 49 SEPTEMBER 1959 VITAL FEATURES

THE MAD HORROR PRIMER 4

Since horror movies are so popular these days, we feel schools should have primers to prepare our "One sure way parents can keep their teenage daughters out of hot water is to put some dishes in it!" — Alfred E. Neuman little monsters for them.

MAD LOOKS AT BOOK CLUBS 10 PUBLISHER: William M. Gaines EDITOR: Albert B. Feldstein ART DIRECTOR: IDEAS: Jer De Fuccio PRODUCTION: Leonard Brenner A sampling of typical ads CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS: Wallace Wood Mort Drucker for book clubs which show Frank David Berg how they're competing for CONTRIBUTING WRITERS: Sid Caesar Sy Reit members in order to main­ Gary Belkin Arnie Kogen Klaus Nordling Alfred E. Neuman tain their volume business. SUBSCRIPTIONS: Gloria Orlando, Celia Morelli LAW SUITS: Martin Scheiman, Esq. BRAND NEW DADDY: PFC Nick Megliola HALF-FINISHED BILLBOARDS 16

MAD takes to the highway DEPARTMENTS and shows how unsightly ANYTHING FOR A BUCK DEPARTMENT billboards that mar the A Best Seller Hits The Commercial Trail 34 landscape can be enter­ BIG BUILD-UP DEPARTMENT taining . . . for a change. Vic Tinny Gyms 43 BINDING OFFER DEPARTMENT FAMILY MAGAZINES 21 MAD Looks At Book Clubs 10 BRAVE OF THE HOME DEPARTMENT Here's our remedy for the MAD Medals For Everyday Heroes 32 disappearing family unit: DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT revive conversation with "The Boy And His Toy" 8 magazines that print only "The Sculptor In His Studio" 31 things that are relative. "The 17th Floor" 48 EDIFICE COMPLEX DEPARTMENT Functional Architecture 14 AMERICA'S DREAM CAR 24 FUN FOR THE ROAD DEPARTMENT Half-Finished Billboards 16 As a public service, MAD HOLLYWOOD DEPARTMENT conducts a survey to find Scenes We'd Like To See 20 America's Dream Car. The LETTERS DEPARTMENT ^1 result, unfortunately, is Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2 a nightmare for Detroit. MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Capsule Movie Reviews * * SID CAESAR'S "SHRUNK WORLD"..27 MOTORVATIONAL RESEARCH DEPARTMENT America's Dream Car 24 Sid Caesar turns triple- READIN' AN' WRITHIN' DEPARTMENT threat man with this TV The MAD Horror Primer 4 show satire. Mainly, he's SID CAESAR DEPARTMENT threatened to sue us three Shrunk World 27 times if we dare print it. SPECIAL DELIVERY DEPARTMENT The Gettysburg Address 39 TELEVISION DEPARTMENT MAD'S RESORT PAGE 40 TV Ads We'd Like To See MAD offers some unusual "The Clawettes Commercial" 38 "The Guard-All Commercial" 42 summer resorts for people TWO WEEKS WITH PREY DEPARTMENT who lack transportation. MAD's Specialized Resorts Page 40 Make reservations at any WHAT'S BUZZIN', COUSIN DEPARTMENT one, and you'll be taken. Family Magazines 21 *'Various Places Around The Magazine VIC TINNY GYMS 43 A gym-dandy organization MAD — September 1959, Volume 1, Number 49, is published monthly except February, May, dedicated to the task of August and November, by E.C. Publications, Inc. at 225 Lafayette Street, New York 12, New York. Second Class Postage paid at New York, N. Y. Subscriptions, 9 issues for $2.00 removing the bulges that in the U.S. Elsewhere, S2.50. Entire contents copyright 1959 by E.C. Publications, Inc. The you've acquired over the Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped,- self-addressed return envelope. The names of years ... in your wallet. characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. THE PERFECT FOLLOW-UP TO "MAD FOR KEEPS" would be a sincere apology! Instead, here's MAD GOES ATOMIC Thought you'd be interested in the en­ closed photo which seems to indicate a literary trend at the North Pole. It was taken by a sailor on the Atomic Sub­ marine Skate during her recent trip to MAD GOES TO THE DOGS the Pole. J. F. McGlinchy I came into my room last week to find General Dynamics Corp. my dog reading a recent issue of MAD. New York City The most amazing part was that he was reading it upside-down! Good Skates Ken Franklin Wanamassa, N. J. Doesn't everybody?—Ed.

IT IS WRITTEN? We thought you might be interested in knowing that in Ecclesiastes, Chapter II, Verse II, it is written: "/ said of laughter, it is MAD . . ." The Brothers Kaminetzky Washington, D.C.

Tell us what book and we'll sue!—Ed. BRAIN CLUTTERER The principal of our Junior High JACK AND JILL School lectured us recently on juvenile delinquency and said that we shouldn't In the "Official Detective" version of read "trashy comic books that clutter up "Jack and Jill" (MAD #47), you made our brains!" Then he added, "I'm not two mistakes: (1) You printed it in the talking about MAD, because I read that first place, and (2) The story states plain­ myself!" ly that Jill was "battered beyond recog­ nition." In the picture accompanying the Suzy Zuckerman ;'?* story, you show a beautiful doll. Hoo hah! Levittown, N. Y. If that's "battered beyond recognition," This second de-luxe hard-bound Anthology of the I'm going over to my girl friend's house And MAD only clutters up principals' best material from past issues of MAO includes right now and batter her beyond recog­ brains!—Ed. a hilarious introduction by Steve Allen, followed nition! Maybe I'll get the same results by 133 pages of riotous articles, ad satires your artist got! FOWL READING MATTER and other garbage, many in vivid color. It makes a great gift, but it's mainly for idiots who Jim Daniels Houston, Texas Recently, I found an injured bird. I missed this material, and for clods who want a decided to put it in a cage and raise it. permanent collection of the junk they wasted I looked all over for a covering for the good money on originally. So get your copy today! bottom of the cage, and found that a page of MAD fit perfectly. The next day, I MAD ANTHOLOGY DEPT. found the bird hopping crazily around 225 Lafayette Street the page like he was reading it, and a New York 12. N. Y. moment later he fell over dead. Can you tell me what killed him? Please rush my copy of "MAO FOREVER". I enclose $2.95. Donald Bralich Cary, 111.

Battered Beyond Recognition We'd say you added insult to injury!—Ed. ADDRESS.

CITY. .ZONE. UlflKE UP REFRESHED MID inUICORHTED!

STATE. Mainly, plaster that jangling alarm clock with a copy of .. .

Check here if you want "MAO For Keeps" THE LATEST MAD POCKET-SIZE BOOK D and please enclose an additional $2.95. THE BEDSIDE MAD A DELIGHTFUL This sixth collection of early failures joins "The MAD Reader", "MAD Strikes Back", "Inside MAD", PIN-UP! "Utterly MAD", and "The Brothers MAD" in lengthening Yes, Marilyn Monroe is a "Dr. Neuman's Five-Foot Shelf of Detestable Literature" delightful pin-up! For a another three-quarters of an inch. disgusting pin-up, send 25 i to: Dept. "What- ON SALE AT YOUR FAVORITE NEWSSTAND Color?", c/o MAD, 225 OR YOURS BY MAIL FOR 40* Lafayette St., N.Y.C. 12. THE COMPLETE COLLECTION-ALL SIX-FOR $2.00 MAIL MONEY TO: MAD, POCKET DEPT., 225 LAFAYETTE STREET, NEW YORK 12, N. Y. LETTERS DEPT. NOW!

MAD FIRST AID MAD FLIES HIGH As usual, there is profound knowledge Enclosed is a photo of the "What— and understanding behind your MAD- Me Worry?" pilots of the Naval Air ness. May I have permission to reproduce Force, Pacific Fleet. Our night flying and your "MAD Cross First Aid Manual" for all-weather missions from aircraft car­ use in presenting the subject of emergency riers has earned us this "What — Me MADS medical care to professional medical audi­ Worry?" reputation from other squadron ALFRED E. NEUMAN ences? pilots, because we'll launch into the dark­ >in* WHAT-ME WORRY? POTRTEB.'E Douglas Lindsey, Lt. Col. est night and the foulest weather. Your Deputy Director of Medical Research magazine has been a great source of de­ lightful and entertaining reading for us. U. S. Army Chemical Warfare Labs. Our ready room, where we are briefed Army Chemical Center, Md. for flights, is never without at least one copy of MAD. All of us in Fighter Squad­ Go right ahead, Colonel. Just don't blame ron 141 wish you continued success. us if you make a fool of yourself!—Ed. J. S. Coleman Jr., LTJG Fighter Squadron 141 WHO IS HE? c/o FPO, San Francisco In your recent "Straight-Jacket" ads, two of the three fellows are always fac­ "What-They Worry?" ing the camera, while the third always has his back to the camera. Who is this third fellow, and what does he look like? He looks dreamy from the back. Marjorie Parver New York City Alfred E. Neuman SINGS! "WHAT-ME WORRY?" AND HIS FURSHLUGGINER FIVE PLAY IDOL GOSSIP I recently traveled to Seattle where I "" had the good fortune to meet and inter­ view the Kingston Trio. Of course, I ON brought MAD along to fritter away the trip, but when it came time for the inter­ view, I quickly ditched it in the nearest trashcan, not wanting the Trio to think THE HOTTEST <*?, me an idiot. Was I surprised when their manager interrupted the interview by 45 RECORD OUT tossing them a copy of MAD with: People who buy 'em are burning 'em like crazy! "Here's that MAD Magazine you wanted, What Does He Look Like? boys!" Looks like you've corrupted these talented idols, too! We can tell you who he is, Marjorie. He's DESTINED FOR Leonard Brenner, in charge of Production. Noll Anne Cunningham But we can't tell you what he looks like. Tacoma, Wash. Mainly because we still haven't seen his face ourselves! Lenny wears a goatee. You'll Please address all correspondence to: THE TOP TEN see it when you turn to the T-Shirt ad on MAD, Dept. 49, 225 Lafayette Street garbage dumps in Ihe country! the inside back cover—Ed. New York City 12, New York GET YOUR COPY AT SUMMER IS THE BEST TIME YOUR FAVORITE RECORD DEALER BEFORE HE TO SUBSCRIBE TO MAD SELLS OUT HIS SUPPLY . . . because that's when all the nuts are stored up for the winter! to Ihe local trash collector!

YOUR FAVORITE D.J. MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS NAME. 225 LAFAYETTE STREET WILL BE PLAYING IT NEW YORK 12, N. Y. Okay, so store me on your subscription list for the ADDRESS. winter, and send me the SOON next nine issues of MAD. so be ready to switch him off! I realize this makes me a "nut", shelling out $2.00. CITY. .ZONE. .STATE. NOTE: Allow 8 weeks for subscription to be processed READIN' AND WRITHIN# DEPT. Some time ago (MAD No. 41), we voiced concern over the dullness of ele­ mentary school readers, and presented an up-to-date MAD PRIMER. Now, even the MAD PRIMER is outdated! The single most important thing in the lives of youngsters today is watching "horror movies"! And so, in order to help educate our early grade school kids properly in "horror movie appreciation," we feel schools should offer as required reading... THE MAD

ART-WALLACE WOOD STORY- ••SLEEPING BEAUTY rousing and animated!' fiWyr^ *^n

„|Punoj6 jo iO| D SJ3AOJ • • •„ AaiNOOD Olfl 3H1** **THE TEN COMMANDMENTS "... a mustl" „|ooj SU|DW|| ||ouis ill uorpDM auioi ja6 p|noq«„ asnOH 018 3H1 Nl l"IOA3H*» DON MARTIN DEPT. PART Don Martin, MAD's maddest artist, who breaks people up with his zany cartoons, now recalls an incident that really broke him up, THE mainly the time he fool­ ishly tried playing with HIS BOY

TOY „|6U|MO4S s;l! uaijM aq P|no4s noA SJ34M • • „ 33Vld H3H10NV '3WI1 H3HiONV*« READIN' AND WRITHIN' DEPT. In the good old days, people either bought their books more and more people are building their libraries by in a store, or swiped them from their friends. Today, joining monthly book clubs. At last count, there were MAD LOOKS A LAZY READERS ARE BEING LURED BY THE POPULAR ABRIDGED BOOK CLUBS the sexiest parts of these 5 racy novels! Studs Ionian"

;wHeid i All in one eye-opening volume...when you join THE SPICY ABRIDGED BOOK CLUB Now you don't have to thumb through books anymore, looking Start Your Membership Now for the "choicest parts". THE SPICY ABRIDGED BOOK CLUB sends you books containing only them "choicest parts". Every CHOOSE ANY ONE month, our board of judges—12 enlisted men at Fort Dix— submit hundreds of underlined paragraphs from books they've OF THESE read. We, in turn, compile these into one SPICY ABRIDGED JUICY SELECTIONS BOOK and offer it exclusively to our beady-eyed members.

THE SPICY ABRIDGED BOOK CLUB, Ooh-la, La. The SPICY ABRIDGED The SPICY ABRIDGED The SPICY ABRIDGED Please enroll me as a member of THE SPICY ABRIDGED BOOK CLUB, and send me my free book together with my first Erskine Caldwell French Novel Mickey Spillane selection. I understand that this first selection will cost Over 1000 choice paragraphs The raciest parts of books A selection of the meatiest me $3.00, and the cost of each succeeding selection will be doubled, since I most likely won't be able to break the habit! of sun-drenched excitement by Balzac, Zola, Flaubert, parts of his books, meaning selected from his best books. De Maupassant and De Gaulle. every word he ever wrote! NAME ADDRESS CITY STATE 10 ART-BOB CLARKE STORY-FRANK JACOBS ••OLD YELIER ". ..a dog I" more than a dozen of these book clubs, each one trying many book clubs were specializing. So now, in an effort to outdo the other to gain members. To accomplish this, to win the heartfelt hatred of the book industry . . . T BOOK CLUBS SERIOUS MINDED PEOPLE ARE BEING WOOED BY HISTORICAL BOOK CLUBS

THE COLLECTED PAPERS OF MILLARD FILLMORE

VOLUMES... Retail Price $150

When you become a member of THE MILLARD FILLMORE BOOK CLUB

Here's the opportunity you have been waiting lor, Choose any one of these the chance to build a library dealing with one of books as your first selection the most popular figures in American History — 1. MILLARD FILLMORE'S EARLY BOYHOOD Millard Fillmore. In addition to a 20-Volume set Part I—Infancy to Age 2lh, 655 Pages. .$18.50 of Fillmore's Collected Papers (some of which even FILLMORE'S FAVORITE DINNER MENUS - have writing on them!), new members will also re­ 1850-1852, 705 Pages $21.00 ceive free a desk blotter bearing Fillmore's pic­ THE DAY MILLARD FILLMORE DIDN'T ture, plus a button from his unsuccessful bid for SHAVE by Jim Bishop, 1,100 Pages. . . .$30.00 re-nomination in 1852 reading "I like Millard I" WHO IN HECK WAS MILLARD FILLMORE ANYHOW? By Benj. Harrison, 1 Page.$50.00 ^••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••* MILLAED FILLMORE BOOK CLUB, As my first selection, send me:. Deathly, 111. Please enroll me in THE MILLARD FILLMORE BOOK CLUB, NAME and send my first selection. I understand that when I be­ come a member, I will be sent the FREE 20-Volume set of "The Collected Papers of Millard Fillmore". I also under­ ADDRESS stand that I don't become a member until I have purchased 36 consecutive monthly selections at prices ranging from $18.50 to $50.00. I further understand that if I miss a single month, I am obligated to start all over again . . . CITY STATE

11 PEOPLE WITH EXPENSIVE TASTES ARE BEING SOUGHT BY THIS BOOK CLUB

BUILD YOUR LIBRARY OF NOW! USEFUL REFERENCE WORKS JOIN The Useful Information BOOK CLUB THE USEFUL INFORMATION BOOK CLUB supplies its members with up-to-date, practical, and valuable reference works which are a "must" for every bookshelf. These are books con­ taining vital facts which no home can possibly do without.

Begin your membership with this

SPECIAL BONUS OFFER

Any Q of these informative books Mo­ tor only |.o o

THE PROVIDENCE, R. I. TELEPHONE DIRECTORY You can never tell when you might suddenly have the urge to call somebody in Providence, Rhode Island. 35 Volumes-1925-59 Over 25,000 pages. A PICTORIAL ENCYCLOPEDIA OF FUNGUS How to recognize 10,000 varieties of rust, mold, smut, mildew and rot, including the contents of this encyclopedia. Illustrated. 600 pages.

A HANDY GUIDE TO PUBLIC COMFORT STATIONS You can never tell when you might suddenly have the urge. Indispensable for vacations and long trips. Over 50,000 listings, with locations. 987 pages.

THE KABUL, AFGHANISTAN, STREET GUIDE How to find your way through the streets of this ancient city, so vital to the free world. You can never tell when you might end up there. 4 pages.

THE REVISED SIAMESE-SWAHILI DICTIONARY Over 350,000 words and phrases translated from Siamese into Swahili, and back again. If you know either language, you can learn the other. 10 pages.

HOW TO STUFF AND MOUNT AARDVARKS A vital addition to the library of all professional and amateur taxidermists. You can never tell when some clown will walk in with one of these monsters.

THF USEFUL INFORMATION BOOK CLUB NAMES OF 3 BOOKS SELECTED

I want to join the USEFUL INFORMATION BOOK CLUB, because I MY NAME IS: want to gather all the useful information I can while I am alive, so I'll be pretty smart when I'm dead. Please enroll me and send my 3-book bonus offer. I understand that when I join, I promise to MY ADDRESS IS: purchase 10 out of the 12 USEFUL INFORMATION books selected during the next year. Now, here's some USEFUL INFORMATION for you. Mainly, if I were you guys, 1 wouldn't trust me to do that! MY CITY IS: MY STATE IS:

„|$6UIMS (I • • „ 3Z3dVai»* 12 PRACTICAL MINDED PEOPLE ARE INTRIGUED BY BOOK CLUBS LIKE THESE

This Beautiful Diamond-Studded Edition of "LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD" yours .. .when you join

THE RIDIC UL O USL Y-EXPENSIVE

Yes, now you can own the costliest, most ornate editions of the great classics of world lit­ erature. Each volume is printed on imported Norwegian parchment, coated with an authentic layer of 200-year-old dust. Each hand-pressed binding is made of leather taken from the back­ side of an East African gazelle. Each line of type has been hand-set by expert Westphalian craftsmen. And each page is uncut, because these books are for showing off, not for reading! start your membership now with one of these i RIDICULOUSLY-EXPENSIVE BOOKS! BLACK BEAUTY A lux binding embossed with pur gold excavated from the burial vault o/ Please enroll me in your darling club. I realize that I will get the Aztec temple o/ Tehuanlepec. Stitched my diamond-studded edition of "Little Red Riding Hood" free with thread from Cleopatra's original bridal veil, using her own needle. if I buy not less than six selections each year. I also realize that each selection will cost me a paltry $7,500.00. I also real­ ize that each four books I buy gives me the right to buy a fifth book at an increased rate based on the original cost of the first THE ROVER BOYS I two books.less the third. I also realize that I cannot make head An unimaginably-expe binding studded $ nor tail out of this coupon, but don't really care as long as I with emeralds from the crow,no, Queen Isabella of Spain. Also come can spend globs and globs of money on idiotic things like this. W-inch bookmark made fronn the tongue of r a yearling Bolivian milk-fed s FOR MY FIRST SELECTION. SEND ME BY CHAUFFEUREO LIMOUSINE _____

WINNIE THE POOH MY NAME IS: Ultra-lavish binding inlaid with silver taken from the teeth fillings of Marie MY MANSION IS LOCATED AT: Antoinette, and studded with 10 rubies brought from Cathay by Marco Polo. Cove IN THE CITY OF painted with oils left over by Rembrandt.

MY NET WORTH (IN MILLIONS) IS: EDIFICE COMPLEX DEPT. Most buildings today employ classic architectural designs, and so you can't tell if they're banks, schools or hamburger stands.

HERE IS WHAT A TYPICAL BUSINESS DISTRICT WOULD LOOK LIKE FUNCTIONAL MAD feels that buildings should employ the principle of "form follows function." Mainly, they should look like what they are!

STORY AND ART-DAVID BERG IF MAD'S PLAN WERE ADOPTED, AND THE BUILDINGS ALL USED. FUN FOR THE ROAD DEPT. Some people claim that billboards are ugly and should be taken down. Other people say that billboards blot out pretty scenery and should be taken down. As far as MAD'S concerned, we say "Leave 'em up!" -f-fa£f-fuuAked

m 'i eg ,|auioi{ sjjq • • •„ aavid NOiA3d*»

Because those billboards can be very funny! Especially when a new advertisement is being pasted over an old one . . . and parts of the two signs can be seen at the same time. Like f'rinstance, these . . .

ART-JOE ORLANDO STORY-FRANK JACOBS i ot cf whisper o bad breath with new

-^«^O».UJI»- 006$ LOVE

Full 88 Proof Blended Whiskey with lean red meat! 65% Grain Neutral Spirits to help your dog grow! BOTTLED BY CALVERT MEAT PACKING COMPANY

• • ''' Like your pleasure /

TAKE HOME THE KING ITALIAN RECIPE iThe big clean taste of top tobacco' WITH CHEESE AND ANCHOVIES - 18 u**-t-^"*' Know the joy of good living... | Fill up with....

'59 "l Mobilgas 1 SPECIAL

-^->/

Move ap Jo quality . . . move up to FAST ECONOMICAL WARM-UPS ... I . . . EXCITING PICK-UP AND POWER! ^ THE BEER THAT MADE MIL eage and quick starts in all weather" ^ ) • • - • -- i...i-riiiti.ii... —^*- . II-II ii -• «*•" "" —i* i- — P*. /.

••IMITATION OF LIFE ". . . worth just a LOOKI"

>•* *ii. i i TCHIJVG COLD? Relieve painful

19 Tiirtiiit HOLLYWOOD DEPT. ^TMcems We'd Mke to Jedh The Cops Close In

••HOUSEBOAT ". . . doesn't hold water!' WHAT'S BUZZIN' COUSIN DEPT. Sociologists tell us that the "Family Unit" is the core of our ridiculous fireplace. At any rate, family-type conversation has civilization. If this is true, then our civilization is doomed! all but disappeared. Which brings us to the main subject of this Because the family unit is falling apart! It isn't as close-knit article. Since family members no longer have the time to talk to as it used to be. There's no longer any feeling of "togetherness" one another, and since MAD would like to save our civilization (contrary to what McCalls Magazine claims!) These days, families (why, we don't exactly know!), we suggest using another form of just don't sit around the fireplace, chatting any more. This is communication. Why don't family members jot down what's on probably due to a number of reasons: Like TV, movies, gang wars, their minds? Then, once a month, they could get their message dates, and mainly you can get filthy from ashes sitting by that across to the rest of their relatives by printing and distributing... FAMILY MAGAZINES That Maintain Communication Between Members HERE IS A FAMILY MAGAZINE PUBLISHED BY AN ORDINARY FAMILY

ART-GEORGE WOODBRIDGE STORY-ARNIE KOGEN AND HERE ARE SOME FAMILY MAGAZINES

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IT'S BEEN OVER SIX YEARS—AND HE STILL HASN'T FOUND WORK by Bess I'M NOT EVEN LOOKING by Harry The complete transcript of Harry's reply to IN Uncle Zeke's criticism of Margaret's singing THIS of "The Children's Marching Song" (delivered in front of the whole family yet!) Pgs. 2-18 ISSUE ironi >JI I.AV- ... (Not Recommended for Nephews or Nieces)

CONFESSION DEPARTMENT We Swept The Dirt Under The While House Rug When We Left

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**" PRICE: $2,500

4*

""Cavities, bvr.

DON'T TELL ME I TOOK AWAY MY ,-M SPOILED SON'S ALLOWANCE AND REPLACED IT by UUle WITH A SPECIAL CHECKING ACCOUNT Burton Rockefeller by Uncle John D. Jr. (Written Aboard .Foot Yacht) WHO NEEDED ALL THIS AGGRAVATION? his 90 by Gov. Nelson Rockefeller FEATURE AWee^AuntM»^. £5.22?* m

**THE GENE KRUPA STORY ". . . for the cymbal-mindedl" PUBLISHED BY OTHER ORDINARY FAMILIES

ARTICLES We Found Dirt under The White House Rug When We Arrived! BY MAMIE

Easter Egg Rolling On The Lawn Ruins % Putting Green! BY IKE

He Used To Give Orders - Now He Takes Them! BY ANONYMOUS

AN OPEN CHALLENGE TO THE PRESIDENT I Can Beat You At Miniature Golf! BY MILTON FAMILY ADVICE DEPARTMENT Don't Say Anything — 4i«» To Tax Bracket Without Checking ' „„, Tablc. They're ae*»ate~d Accord.ng To ia* With Me First! At The Dinner Table. HARRIET BY JIM HAGERTY Make More Money, But I'm Bigger and Stronger by DAVID ill We Do If He's Drafted ? by OZZIE WhatW LUYOW r Mind Section' Accountant by RICKY 7KeoUyWanted_To_Be_an tf^^*/

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I'm Not Even King in my Own House! by Philip _ _ —-« Peter Townsend Keeps Buzzing The Palace by Margaret "They Wont Let "Me Watch The Changing of the Quart by Charles Who Is This Alfred £. "Neuman My Son is Supposed to Look Like? by Elizabeth CONFESSION SEnACWV ^essee Ernie , theU.S- __ SaW Related LATEST MEDICAL REPORT 23 Not Rea ny [ Other Royal families had Hemophilia, Our family Disease isJ^Sious'i i Anxious to keep our grimy thumb on the pulse of the American public, we recently took a trip around the country. And everywhere we went, we heard the same thing. Mainly, "Get outa town, yuh bums!" However, we also heard people grumbling about modern cars. Tailfins are higher, wheel bases are longer, and tempers are shorter. Hoping to be of help, MAD took a nationwide poll, asking people what changes they wanted—and here are the results of that poll. Using a composite model of typical American cars, we've indicated below what the public wants included in .. .

r*-i Provide seats with deeper padding, and more practical leather - tufted upholstery.

Provide direct-contact Re-design overhanging Shorten wheelbase friction braking to cut fenders so wheels can Eliminate inside Provide for greater for easier handling down possibledangerof be easily reached for floor hump caused ease in entering and maneuverability. hydraulic line failure. quick tire changes. by driveshaft. and leaving car.

24

«|4|<»!U!P Hl!« "OJ'D S3U"0J " ' \, IVM* JJ3AI8 3H.L NO 30ai89»» MOTORVATIONAL RESEARCH DEPT. RICA'S ORE AM CAR ART-BOB CLARKE STORY-SY REIT

* Re-design windows Simplify Eliminate distortion caused Re-design hood cover to Shorten over-all hood m by wrap-around windshields, prevent accidental fly-ups, length to improve for better thru- dashboard car ventilation. instruments. and add height so overhead make motor more accessible. driver's visibility. signals can be easily seen.

Re-design body shell to Eliminate costly hub Eliminate costly Separate fenders from Eliminate raise doors for better cap replacement with and troublesome chassis to cut down excessive and gaudy chrome. clearance at curbs. spoke wheel design. white sidewalls. high repair costs.

But we didn't stop there! No sir! We took all these ideas, sat down at the drafting board, and went to work. And on the following page you'll find the results of our labors. Yes! Here at last — based on your suggestions—is... AMERI DREAM

„|SJOHS 6ui|zzop auios • • •„ Nns 3H1 Nl land** „|Buujits • • „ ioH II 3X11 3WOS** SID CAESAR DEPT.

Sid Caesar will appear more frequently on TV next season. This is great for TV, and great for Sid's fans. Meanwhile, Sid Caesar continues to appear regularly in print this season, in MAD. This is great for MAD, but terrible for Sid. Because we have a knack of destroy­ ing fabulous material like this article. Intrigued by that TV show which brings together three celebrities in an intercontinental phone call, Sid wondered what would happen if his three "characters" appeared on such a program. So, to prove that it's really fun to phone, here are Jazz Musician Progress Hornsby, Author & World Traveler, Somerset Winterset, and the World's Greatest Authority on Everything, The Professor,. .. in ... SID CAESAR'S VERSION OF

WRITTEN ESPECIALLY FOR MAD ••GIANT ". . . comes on bigl" jdn-pa^oip ||o noX S3AD3| • • •„ 33jji 0NI3NVH 3H1** You are balderdashing Yeah, that's vot happens yourself, sir! There are vit my kid! The D.J. says adults to whom the teen buy something: he buys it. age ones do listen. But The D.J. says do this; unfortunatement, these he does it. He does every­ are disc jockeys, who put* thing them disc jockeys them in OA-A-N-GER! say. If I vant my kid should do something, first I gotta spin him a couple platters!

Money? What money? This is an educational I show. We don't have a big budget. We don't pay anybody. Our guests are grateful for opportunity to express their opinions. There's no money involved at ail! DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II

Don Martin's art experiences are many and varied . . . for instance the time he observed the creative effort of THE SCULPTOR IN HIS STUDIO

«5'^^^t^3^Oa-^- ^ *> ^ BRAVE OF THE HOME PEPT. The Army, the Navy and the Air Force all hand out medals for Heroic Military Achievements, but there is no organization to hand out medals for Heroic Civilian Achievements. And some ART-GEORGE WOODBRIDGE MAD MEDALS FOR THE FEARLESS AND INDEPENDENT ACTION MEDAL AWARDED TO Zelda Zitzlaff mmammmmmmm Housewife of Taft-Hartley, Vt. FOR DECISIVE ASSAULT On April 8th, 1959, Mrs. Zitzlaff took delivery on a new sofa, and when the men left, immediately re­ moved the "Do Not Remove Tags" from the cushions. THE HEROISM ON THE HOME FRONT MEDAL AWARDED TO I Fenwick J. Finster Salesman of Ho-Fo-Kus, N.J. FOR VALIANT SELF-CONTROL On June 21st, 1959, Mr. Finster dragged out his lights and equipment and took "home movies" of his wife and children without once losing his temper. THE DISPOSAL OF HIDDEN BOOBY TRAPS MEDAL AWARDED TO Arthur L. Mudge Itinerant of Sleeping Car, N.C. FOR EFFICIENT DEXTERITY On June 17th, 1959, Mr. Mudge, having purchased a brand new shirt, located and removed every one of 32 / 'J^V\ them carefully concealed pins before putting it on. of the Civilian Achievements we got in mind make them Mili­ tary Achievements look like child's play. You'll see what we mean when you read the citations that accompany these . . .

STORY -DAVID BERG EVERYDAY HEROES THE VICTORY OVER MODERN PACKAGING MEDAL AWARDED TO Fanny Strongthumber Housewife of Mangle, Maine FOR DISTINGUISHED ACHIEVEMENT On June 6th, 1959, Mrs. Strongthumber succeeded in tearing open a typical cellophane-wrapped bag of potato chips without hav­ ing once used her teeth.

THE EXECUTION OF PLANNED STRATEGY MEDAL AWARDED TO Freda Prawn Housewife of Pumpspout, Ga. w- FOR *»%$& DETERMINATION ? UNDER FIRE i *t On May 27th, 1959, Mrs. V Prawn traveled to a local supermarket, and made her weekly purchases without buying one item that was not on her shopping list.

THE TRIUMPH OVER IMPOSSIBLE ODDS MEDAL AWARDED TO Elihu Bunchwell Housepainter of Kemtone, Neb. FOR MERITORIOUS SERVICE On April 4th, 1959 Mr. Bunchwell spread his drop- cloth, and, on the very first try, mixed up the exact shade of chartreuse a woman-customer wanted. ANYTHING FOR A BUCK DEPT.

IME was when a serious writer struggled and sweated to turn out a good book, only to find when it was pub­ *£,*W Tlished that six people bought it. So the poor shnook ended up with maybe $3.00 in royalties and a dog-eared collection of mouldy reviews. But not any more! Nowadays, a serious writer turns out a good book and — before you can say "Ernest Hemingway!" — they turn him into a "corporation." Then he has to be a play-producer, merchandiser—even a stock market operator. Because nowadays, literature is big business! Take f'rinstance the current best-seller on the left — a serious-type novel about the Russian Revolution called "Doctor Zhivago." Let's follow (at a safe distance) and see what happens when . . .

ROBAKP L OL LIN°S I '%nofeingr "A Smash!" I R AT. 2:35 5-4289 *"£4 Buuerfinser,, THE Jn Crocke'r Journal GEORGE GR|>! CORONET IV YOU ;ED BORIS PASTERNAK'S tus 8:30; Ma NEW DRAMA 'Suspenseftj RAVED YOU . -."ALTER ... NOW COME BACK SLE2AK RAVED THE ABOUT LITTLE DOCTOR * with rr ABOUT g*t«. 8*5; jS THE BOOK SHIRLEY SIDNEY "A TRIl PHONEBOOTH'BLACKOirr CLAVDi AND PLAY! COI BOOK... Directed b, ELIA F££LYA HEM/ SAW THE

°«h. S4.u„, J^YMOUTr, PLAY... Americ • 2:40,' 2.30. ALFRED E. NEUMAN THEATRE 1-9158 *H\ 44 S.ree, We8, Off.BroadWay F Star

Metiers MPPiesT am £A Sheer Delight!" JT" Magician's RAVED ABOUT "Pure Magic!" Quarterly RAVED ABOUT ROOGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN'S THE BOOK, SAW New Musical Play THE BOOK, SAW THE PLAY, WENT THE PLAY, WENT MY FAIR TO THE MOVIE, TO THE MOVIE, DOCTOR WATCHED THE Baaed on the novet»by AND WATCHED Boris Pasternak TV SHOW, Fixed up in the third act by THE TV SHOW... Abe Burrow. AND ENJOYED 48TH STREET THEATER Broadway and 37th Street THE MUSICAL... TICKETS 6,393 WEEKS IN ADVANCE

34 A Best Seller Hits The COMMERCIAL TRAIL ART-WALLACE WOOD STORY-SY REIT

They said iho was too young to plan the liege of Dnepropetrovsk . . . BUT HER HEART TOLD HER OTHERWISE! SEE L*VTTE BAUDOT —«• YOU RAVED CHARGE BAREHANDED! ABOUT THE

JOHN HUSTON'S Screen Masterpiece BOOK, SAW AROUND THE THE PLAY, SAMOVAR IN 80 DAYS AND WENT \£j \l Based on the famous novel TO THE "Doctor Zhivago" filmed in glowing MOVIE... | FURD A-O & SMELLY-VISION

NOW AT LOEWS CIUDAD TRUJILLO

USIC, MEDIC, please!! RAVED ABOUT 1 THE BOOK) SAW THE PLAY, WENT TO THE MOVIE, WATCHED THE TV SHOW, ENJOYED THE MUSICAL, AND BOUGHT THE RECORD... A collection of melodie* from The Hit Musical "MY FAIR DOCTOR" featuring INA RAY MUTTON and her ALL-BALALAIKA STEEL BAND THE HEART OF DOCTOR ZHIVAGO

YOU RAVED ABOUT THE BOOK, SAW THE PLAY, WENT TO THE MOVIE, WATCHED THE TV SHOW, ENJOYED THE MUSICAL, BOUGHT THE RECORD, AND LISTENED TO THE RADIO SERIAL ...

^m&i®!? YOU RAVED ABOUT THE YOU RAVED ABOUT THE BOOK, SAW THE PLAY, BOOK, SAW THE PLAY, WENT WENT TO THE MOVIE, TO THE MOVIE, WATCHED WATCHED THE TV SHOW, THE TV SHOW, ENJOYED THE ...NOW ENJOYED THE MUSICAL, MUSICAL, BOUGHT THE BOUGHT THE RECORD, GET THE RECORD, LISTENED TO THE LISTENED TO THE RADIO COCKTAIL RADIO SERIAL, FOLLOWED SERIAL, FOLLOWED THE NAPKINS! THE COMIC STRIP, WORE COMIC STRIP, WORE THE THE HAT, BOUGHT THE DOLL, HAT, AND BOUGHT AND GOT THE COCKTAIL THE DOLL... NAPKINS ...

YOU RAVED ABOUT THE

BOOK, SAW THE PLAY,

WENT TO THE MOVIE,

WATCHED THE TV SHOW,

ENJOYED THE MUSICAL,

BOUGHT THE RECORD,

LISTENED TO THE RADIO

SERIAL, FOLLOWED THE

COMIC STRIP, WORE THE

HAT, BOUGHT THE DOLL,

GOT THE COCKTAIL NAPKINS,

SMOKED THE CIGARETTES, AND WORKED THE JIGSAW IfiNwgE •amps.

36 YOU RAVED ABOUT THE BOOK, SAW YOU RAVED ABOUT THE BOOK, SAW THE THE PLAY, WENT TO PLAY, WENT TO THE THE MOVIE, WATCHED ... NOW MOVIE, WATCHED THE THE TV SHOW, WEAR TV SHOW, ENJOYED ENJOYED THE MUSICAL, THE MUSICAL, BOUGHT BOUGHT f HE RECORD, THE RECORD, LISTENED LISTENED TO THE HAT! TO THE RADIO SERIAL, RADIO SERIAL, AND FOLLOWED THE COMIC FOLLOWED THE STRIP, AND WORE THE HAT... COMIC STRIP 4..

YOU RAVED ABOUT THE BOOK, SAW THE PLAY, WENT TO THE MOVIE, WATCHED THE TV SHOW, ENJOYED THE MUSICAL, BOUGHT THE RECORD, LISTENED TO THE RADIO SERIAL, FOLLOWED THE COMIC STRIP, WORE THE HAT, BOUGHT THE DOLL, GOT THE COCKTAIL NAPKINS, AND SMOKED THE CIGARETTES . ..

YOU RAVED ABOUT THE i BORIS PASTERNAK BOOK, SAW THE PLAY, WENT TO THE MOVIE, Doctor Zhivaoo WATCHED THE TV SHOW, A NOVEL ENJOYED THE MUSICAL, .. NOW BOUGHT THE RECORD, BUY THE LISTENED TO THE RADIO SERIAL, FOLLOWED THE BOOK AND COMIC STRIP, WORE THE

HAT, BOUGHT THE DOLL, READ IT, GOT THE COCKTAIL NAPKINS, ALREADY! SMOKED THE CIGARETTES,

WORKED THE JIGSAW

PUZZLE, AND SAVED THE

BUBBLE-GUM CARDS . . . TV TELEVISION DEPT. PART WE'D LIKE TO SEE

The Clawettes Commercial ART-JOE ORLANDO

Now watch how the needle jumps when I place it over this beaker of raw onion juice ... SPECIAL DELIVERY DEPT.

Whether it's uttered in the parlance of the great "rail-splitter," or in the jargon A*Jti& °f ^he modem "ear-splitter," here's a speech by a man who really knew how to swing <-23M his axe. MAD herewith helps to celebrate the Sesquicentennial (whatever in heck that is!) of Abraham Lincoln's birth by offering a "Cool School" version of . . . «*

Veucf&z

THE OLD VERSION THE NEW VERSION

Fourscore and seven years ago Fourscore and like seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this our old daddies came on in this o continent a new nation, conceived scene with a new group, grooved in Liberty, and dedicated to the in free kicks, and hip to the proposition that all men are created Jazz that all cats make it the equal. Now we are engaged in a same. Now we're real hung up in a great civil war, testing whether crazy big hassle, digging whether that nation, or any nation so conceived that group, or any group so grooved and so dedicated can long endure. and so hip can keep on swinging. We are met on a great battlefield We're making it on a wild spot of that war. We have come to dedicate of that hassle. We've got eyes to tag a portion of that field as a final a little of that spot as a last resting-place for those who here gave lay-down pad for those who here their lives that that nation might live. conked out so that group might still score. It is altogether fitting and proper It's frantically cool and jivey that we should do this. But in a that we're on this kick. But in a larger sense we cannot dedicate, bigger ribble we can't shake up, .we cannot consecrate, we cannot we can't sound off, we can't even hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, clue in this jazz. The cool cats, have consecrated it far above our with us and down under, who flipped here, power to add or detract. The world have pegged it straighter than we will little note, nor long remember could ever mess with. The squares what we say here; but it can never will never buy this bit, nor dig the forget what they did here. It is lyrics we spiel here; but they can't ever for us, the living, rather to be put down what those studs did here. It's dedicated here to the unfinished for us, the on-cats, who ought to work which they who fought here pick up on those still-wailing have thus far so nobly advanced. blues which the off-cats who goofed here It is rather for us to be here have blown so crazily up till now. ^a± dedicated to the great task Man! Like we really ought to be here remaining before us, that from those with eyes fixed on this wild gig honored dead we take increased that still needs action, that from those devotion to that cause for which far-out D.O.A.'s we get a little they gave the last full measure higher on that kick for which of devotion; that we here highly V'lg they really went and flipped their resolve that these dead shall not gaskets; that we take it on to set have died in vain; that this nation, straight that these cats shall not under God, shall have a new birth have kicked off square; that this group of freedom, and that government under God, shall blow a crazy of the people, by the people, new sound, and that a hot combo and for the people, shall not of the hipsters, by the hipsters, perish from the earth. and for the hipsters, shall not cut out from this scene.

ART-MORT DRUCKER 39 TWO WEEKS WITH PREY PEPT. With the competition among summer resorts getting stiffer, activities which will attract vacationers with one common many are turning to "specialization" . . . concentrating on interest. F'rinstance, Dude Ranches which concentrate on

SECTION II THE POTRZEBIE

INEBRIATES

Get Off the Wagon! stagger out to ... t/PSY inn Just follow the ked white line la

Spend your summer with us... and enjoy

Lost Weekends in the middle of the week! 'Private Still in our Wine Cellar -Hot and Cold Running Gin in all Rooms

Swimming Pool filled with Vodka

CHUG-A-LUG MYSTERY CONTINUOUS CONTESTS DRINKS TOASTING

SEE DOUBLE! PAY SINGLE!

New Show Every Night In Our D.T.'s Room starring ^—-i'*- JOE E. LEWIS ^> (if he con make ill)

Our Pink Elephant Meets You At The Station

SNOBS HOODS

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AT ... APPALACHIN, N. Y.

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NIGHTLY RAIDS ON NEIGHBORING HOTELS

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Visit Our Notorious

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WRITE FOR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! (comes in plain brown wrapper)

SPECIAL RATES FOR THREE-TIME LOSERS

OUR 26TH YEAR (4 TO GO)

The Getaway Car Meets You at the Freight horseback riding, Country Clubs which specialize in golf, this trend keeps up, we'll soon be seeing advertisements and Single Clientele Camps which ought to be outlawed. If for Summer Resorts like the ones we've included in . . .

GAZETTE JULY 4TH PAGE 20

TEENAGERS OFF-BEATS

Tap Dad for Three Years Allowance You'll love the bizarre atmosphere at and come out to ...

An Odd and TAnusua SUMMER RESORT B0CK)fROll Molten Lava Pool Mined Lawns Stretch-Rack Beds I Ar\A[ The Hotel Exclusively •• V^ VJ VJ C For Teenagers Quicksand Beach Poisoned Meals Hot-Coal Dance Floor (Nobody admitted without a black jacket) PRIVATE MAUSOLEUM ON PREMISES ENJOY ALL THESE HORRIBLE SPORTS: Qrave-Hobbing Burying Alive Kick-The-Bucket I Wde-and-go-Shreik Monsier-TAaking Ving-Vong BABBECUES EVEBY AFTEBNOON FOLK DANCING EVEEY EVENING (at our Crematorium) (on real folk) Every Room Our Hearse A Torture . ""TEBY BUS BILE EVEBY NIGHT Meets you Chamber <°9«cliff) at the Station

HYPOCHONDRIACS

TEENAGE BELLHOPS TEENAGE CHAMBERMAIDS TEENAGE WAITERS TEENAGE HOUSE DETECTIVES ALL ROOMS WITH PRIVATE JUKE BOXES (Occupancy limited to 17 per room) SPECIAL ACCOMMODATIONS FOR PARENTS (289 Miles From Main Building) ATHLETIC DIRECTOR (A guy who once touched Fats Domino) SOCIAL DIRECTOR (A guy who once sassed Sam Levenson)

RESERVE NOW for ELVIS PRESLEY'S Special DISCHARGE GANG CELEBRATION Rates Our HOT ROD Meets You at the Station' TV TELEVISION DEPT. PART II WE'D LIKE TO SEE The Colgrate Commercial ART-JOE ORLANDO BIG BUILD-UP PEPT. In a recent MAD article (Body-Building & Weight Lifting, tions are being solved by a dedicated young health expert. No. 45.), valuable information was given on a program for This young health expert is dedicated to making Americans keeping fit through exercise. Unfortunately, the average healthy. The money he's making ($15,000,000 a year) is person has neither the equipment, knowledge, nor incentive of secondary importance to him. He's only interested (he to carry through such a program. Today, all these objec- says!) in getting every single man, woman and child into

®^7Rfl A PUBLIC SERVICE TO IMPROVE AMERICA'S HEALTH ART-WALLACE WOOD STORY-AL JAFFEE When Vic Tinny started his dedicated campaign to make all get people into a gym? Old-style gyms were unappealing! America healthy, he was faced with a huge problem: how to Vic's answer: The completely-redesigned "Vic Tinny Gym."

VIC TINNY GYMS ARE SHINY, BRIGHT, AND BEST OF ALL, THEY SMELL LIKE CLEAN SWEATSOCKS! „ro*a ••»»-••"»« • • •„ ss333ns JO raws iaaMS 3Hi»* 4^ THE NEW VIC Before going ahead with his dedicated campaign, Vic Tinny people needed three things to successfully complete them: examined many other "health methods." He discovered that (1) Instruction, (2) Equipment, and (3) Incentive. After POPULAR HEALTH METHODS WHICH VIC TINNY FOUND INADEQUATE DIET METHOD found inadequate

DIET METHOD alone loses weight all over body, DIET METHOD alone removes fat, but skin stays even in places that were all right as they were. same size, and with no fat below, sags all over.

EXERCISE METHOD found inadequate

that are exercised, often with very weird results. subsequent over-eating, and unwanted new muscles. EQUIPMENT METHOD found inadequate EQUIPMENT METHOD alone is inadequate because soft-living public is too far gone for machines to help. „|jasso6 D s| SuipuQ am • • „ 3AI1 Ol J.NVM l»* TINNY METHOD nonths of planning, Vic came up with the "Tinny Method": When a Vic Tinny student realizes how much it is costing (1) Instruction, (2) Equipment, and (3) Iron-clad Contract. for every minute he's in the gym, he exercises like crazy! VIC TINNY'S HEALTH METHOD COMBINES BEST FEATURES OF ALL DIET: VIC TINNY'S PROVIDES FACILITIES DISPENSING SPECIAL HEALTH FOODS.

EXERCISE: VIC TINNY'S PROVIDES STAFF OF SPECIALLY-TRAINED INSTRUCTORS.

EQUIPMENT: VIC TINNY'S PROVIDES A SPECIAL MACHINE FOR EACH CONDITION. | SCALP-SCRATCHER }g^ "\

•lOK-TWITCKKK [^'^CALF-C^JSi ;ER''"'"" ' " ^ ^ ™ ^^ " '™ * ' ' - ' ^ •—• —- -->

u THIGISOH'J.V.PW ia^^eawMsasw/ r^s^sas*wTS5>'^^a wRiNKLt-WKiNGi* \

SOLE-SLAPPER] CHIN-CHAFER

FINGER-FLICKER

BACK-BREAKER

WALLET-REMOVER kjr\i r^<^\

||PfS KNEE-KNO :KER BUH-BLASTER MONEY-COUNTER! SPECIAL PROBLEMS SPECIAL HEALTH PROBLEMS ARE HANDLED WITH PRECISION AND KNOW-HOW AT VIC TINNY'S

Man has special arms and legs probiem. Skilled Vic Tinny Experts go to work. Man ends up with perfect proportions. SOME OTHER REMARKABLE CASE HISTORIES, ANALYZED AND SOLVED BY VIC TINNY EXPERTS PROBLEM: Woman's head too small for her body.

PROBLEM: Woman's husband refused to be seen with her. THE BUSINESS END

One word describes the Vic Tinny operation: "efficiency". As soon as a person steps into a Vic Tinny Gym, he is immediately impressed with this efficiency. Before he has a chance to say "I came in for a free figure analysis like you advertised!" he has signed a 12-year contract, had g his clothes removed, and is flying up and down on a power-driven see-saw. It's this kind of ef­ ficiency that has brought 180,000 signed-up customers into Vic Tinny Gyms, even some they never expected, like little old ladies asking directions or looking for rest rooms. Yes, efficiency 3 has created a nation-wide chain of successful Vic Tinny Gyms. Work to improve this efficiency | never ends. In fact, it is hoped that someday it may reach the "Health Improvement" Department. j* THE ULTIMATE DREAM ! DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III Mr. Martin reaches new heights with this account of the horrible tragedy that befell his bosom companion on THE 17th FLOOR YOU'LL "FIGHT 'EM OFF" IN YOUR MAD T-SHIRT Featuring MAD's "What... Me Worry?" Kid* •Imprinted in five permanent colors MAINLY BECAUSE THEY'LL WANT TO THROW YOU IN THE WATER! use coupon or duplicate <

MAD T-SHIRTS 225 Lafayette Street NAME New York 12, N.Y. ADDRESS. I'd love to "fight 'em off", even if they CITY .ZONE. .STATE. want to throw me in the water! Because I want to make a big splash with the girls! NO. OF SHIRTS. SIZE(S) Please rush me my MAD T-SHIRT(S) AMOUNT ENCLOSED AT $1.25 each I enclose $1.25 for each shirt and I have carefully filled in my size.

BOYS & GIRLS MEM « WOMEN CHEST MEAS SIZE CHEST MEAS SIZE CHEST MEAS SUE CHEST MEAS SIZE CHEST MEAS. SIZE CHEST MEAS. SIZE 24"- 27" BS 27"-31" BM 3l"-34" BL 34»_37" MS 37"-41" MM 41»_44" ML kaur tfttAS

We're taking the pledge at the FOUR POSIES SOCIETY (And it's about time!)

They tell us we've really had fun posing for all it! What good is belonging to a society, if you get these advertisements. They say we've had a ball so crocked at meetings you don't know what's getting loaded at a masquerade party, boozing it going on? Besides, we can't afford the dues any up at the races, celebrating Alaskan Statehood, more because we've all been fired from our jobs getting stoned on hunting trips, etc., etc. for turning into a bunch of alcoholics! FOUR Trouble is, we can't seem to remember any of That's why we're taking the pledge! POSIES

FOUR POSIES SOCIETY — That, and no other whiskey for us either!

We've sworn off it for good!