SPECIAL"JUNE-GROOM" ISSUE FOR A WILD NEW SOUND • • • Listen to ALFRED E. NEUMAN VOCALIZE IT'S A GAS!" on this real 1 33 /3R.P.M RECORD

You get it as a FREE BONUS in this latest MAD ANNUAL Which also contains articles, ad satires and other garbage — the best from past issues!

PLUS A SPECIAL FREE BONUS WITH A WILD NEW SOUND: ON SALE NOW! Rush out and buy a copy! ON A REAL 33/3RPM RECORD It's a "Sound Investment"! N UMBER 104 JULY 1966 VITAL FEATURES

ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS 'There's one thing we know for sure about the speed of light: WITH ULTERIOR It gets here too early in the morning!"—Alfred E. Neuman MOTIVES PG.4

WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor art director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY DE FUCCIO, NICK MECLIN associate editors MARTIN J. SCHEIMAN lawsuits RICHARD BERNSTEIN publicity GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, RICHARD GRILLO Subscriptions CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots FUTURE WIT AND WISDOM DEPARTMENTS BOOKS PG. 10 BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of High School 28 DEPARTMENT In The Hospital 13 Later On In The Hospital 25 Still Later On In The Hospital 42 FUNNY-BONE-HEADS DEPARTMENT MAD VISITS THE AMERICAN Future Wit And Wisdom Books •. 10 MEDIOCRITY HIGHWAY RIBBERY DEPARTMENT ACADEMY Road Signs We'd Really Like To See 32 PG. 21 INSTITUTION FOR THE CRIMINALLY INANE DEPARTMENT MAD Visits The American Mediocrity Academy 21 LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2 LICKING THE PROBLEM DEPARTMENT Postage Stamp Advertising 34 MIXING MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT POLITICS Drawn-Out Dramas ** WITH MICROFOLK DEPARTMENT CAREERS Another MAD Peek Through The Microscope 8 PG. 14 MISS-TAKE-A-LETTER DEPARTMENT A MAD Look At The Voice Typewriter 37 ONE-TWO-THREE-FORMULA DEPARTMENT Stereotype-Casting By The Numbers 18 PARTY POOPERS DEPARTMENT The Dangers Of Mixing Personal Politics With Careers 14 THE LIGHTER RHYME WITH A VIEW DEPARTMENT SIDE OF A MAD Portfolio Of Shapely Verse 26 HIGH RUNNING COMMENTARY DEPARTMENT SCHOOL PG.28 Track And Field Foto-Plays 40 SCIENCE AFFLICTION DEPARTMENT Loused Up In Space (A MAD TV Satire) 43 UNDERHAND PITCH DEPARTMENT Advertising Campaigns With Ulterior Motives 4

""Various Places Around The Magazine LOUSED UP IN SPACE

MAD—July 1966 Vol. 1, Number 104, is published monthly except February, May, August and Novem­ (A MAD ber, by E.C. Publications, Inc., at 850 Third Avenue, , N.Y. 10022. Second Class Postage paid TV SATIRE) at New York, N. Y. Subscriptions: In the U.S.A., 7 issues $2.00 or 21 issues $5.00. Outside U.S.A.; 7 issues $2.50 or 21 issues $6.25. Allow 8 weeks for change of address to become effective. Entire con­ PG.43 tents copyright © 1966 by E. C. Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A LETTERS DEPT. THE NATIONAL PERSPIRER Thumbs Down HEY, GANG! I was surprised to see your satire (?), "The National Perspirer" (*102). I was always under the impression that you If you can't get to see our wrote about situations in our society that demanded, so to speak, a close look with HIT "OFF BROADWAY" REVIEW humorously raised eyebrows. A look in­ cidentally, that usually demonstrated both insight and talent. Sensational newspapers like "The National Enquirer" have no "" value as far as my look goes. They seem (Or even if you have seen it!) BUBBY LAKE MISSED to cater to a certain type of shock news "Bubby Lake Missed" was a movie sa­ that no amount of humor, wit or satire you can listen to it on this tire that I feel to be unequalled by all could comment upon, not even yours. your others. I would like to extol Stan Joanne Marquis Hart for his estimable story, and com­ Hollywood, Calif. NEW COLUMBIA RECORD RELEASE! mend Mort Drucker for his astounding likenesses. Not only was it degrading for you to Claudia Bendit even think of satirizing what is obviously , N.Y. the lowest form of print now offered to the U.S. public, but your handling of it I just read "Bubby Lake Missed—By A was equally deprecating for your reputa­ Mile!" I usually don't like your movie tion ... I will defend to the last your right satires, but I couldn't help laughing ar to caricature reality; but I will never ac­ this one. MAD is the top humor magazine cept anything which, on the pretext of in the nation! Keep up the good work! making me laugh at myself, repels me in­ Lee Hendry stead by overstepping the bounds of good Savannah, Ga. taste, especially when those bounds have been so clearly denned by you in the past. I just finished reading "Bubby Lake Leonard Shelhamer Missed" and I thought it stunk! It was the University of Pennsylvania worst satire I've ever read in your cre­ Philadelphia, Pa. ative magazine. Linda Weinstein Los Angeles, Calif Your satire on the "Perspirer" was in extremely poor taste, and far below the fine standards MAD articles have sup­ A New Musical Revue ported in the past. In "over-emphasizing" the trashiness of sensational newspapers, The Mad Show you commit the very same "sin" in your presentation that they commit in theirs. Janice Kaplan University of Washington, Seattle, Washington

"The National Perspirer" read like "Justine" by De Sade. The newspaper you were satirizing is disgusting, true, but why publicize it? saotf - Elan Leaman Santa Barbara, Calif. Mort Drucker has got to be the most effective cartoonist in America today. The facial expressions he captures with pen And have you ever wondered what hap­ and ink are nothing but a . There is pens to all the news that's not fit to print never any doubt in the reader's mind as to in the "New York Times" OR "The Na­ the identity of his subjects. He is, to say tional Enquirer," for that matter? It's all the least, a very talented guy. gathered up in a rag called MAD! John A. Werner Wm. Sloane Pittsburgh, Penna. Carlisle, Pa. ON SALE NOW! THE ONLY EXERCISE YOU NEED DO TO HAVE A WHEREVER RECORDS ARE SOLD TWENTY-SIX INCH WASTE IS TO CUT OUT THE COUPON AT THE RIGHT AND ORDER A Complete Collection Of The MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS CATCH 22

Yep, catch 22 people buying these full-color portraits of Alfred E. Neuman, MAD's "What-Me Worry?" kid, at 25? (or 3 for 50?), and you will have caught our whole year's sale. So if you'd like to make it 23, mail your money to: MAD, 850 Third Avenue, New York, N. Y. 10022 THE NATIONAL PERSPIRER LIFETIME-PEOPLE CHART I COULD SWEAR I JUST Thumbs Up did an excellent job on "MAD's Lifetime-People Chart". It was I just finished reading your February the funniest thing in the magazine. SAW A "MAD" FLY INTO issue. While it was, as usual, light reading John Saliba and funny, your "National Perspirer" was MRS. MURPHY'S KITCHEN! perfectly ingenious—some of the best sat­ No. Tonawanda, N. Y. ire I've ever read. I just hope you are ... Mainly because I just tossed her subscription copy through the window! ready for the barrage of letters you are DELAYED REACTION going to get. People are going to tear you apart because they'll probably think the Sometimes I read MAD without too things you printed were in bad taste. much response. Then, maybe a week What they may not realize, though, is that later, I'll reflect on some particle of your such a piece of filth is actually published, magazine and bust out laughing. This distributed and read avidly. Your criticiz- can be very embarrassing if you're on a ers will be directing their letters to the bus or listening to someone's complaints wrong people. Your article was written at the time. in the true tradition of good satire, and Ray A. Whitmer by calling attention to this smut through Columbus, Ohio satire, has performed a service. Mrs. John Maher Elmhurst, N. Y. WHO'S COVERING UP? It has occurred to me that you have no Congratulations and thanks a million "Real Ads" in MAD—only satires on ads for your "National Perspirer" satire. That for recognizable products. Either the weekly assault on good taste and public profits you make from actual newsstand decency, with its cover headlines about sales is enough, or you're taking "pro­ infants murdered by demented parents in tection money" from manufacturers novel ways, or freaks, or what-have-you, whose products you don't satirize! has needed a good pasting for years and Sue Strickler richly deserved it. You rose to the occa­ Alexandria, Va. Photography by Irving Schild sion admirably. Peter Shaw SUBSCRIBE TO Columbia University BE NOT DISENCOURAGED •~- ^ New York City Don't get spooked by all the "clever" z\ and otherwise idiotic "Letters To The Edi­ I have been waiting for someone to tor" that pour in monthly. Let's face it, you usually only hear from the disgrun­ ...AND LET YOUR MAILMAN TOSS attack that crop of newspapers designed tled and the exhibitionists. There are for the sick and sadistic. Your satire EACH COPY THROUGH YOUR WINDOW! proved to be far more effective than beau-coup readers who love your maga­ "Fact Magazine's" blast at "The En­ zine but don't bother to write! (Unless you'd prefer he use the mailbox!) Charles F. Crane quirer." use coupon or duplicate — Martin Gdanski Honolulu, Hawaii New York City DESCRIBING MAD MAD Your satire, "The Perspirer," was su­ This is to remind you of the definition 850 Third Avenue, perbly "gross"—yet it could never com­ of your magazine given by Ambrose New York, N.Y. 10022 pare with the wretchedly coarse and vul­ Bierce in "The Devil's Dictionary": • I enclose $2.00.* Please enter my name on your sub­ gar material it was meant to satirize. MAD, adj. Affected with a high de­ scription list, and mail me the next 7 issues of MAD Gardenias, and a can of spray deodorant gree of intellectual independence, • I enclose $5.00.** Please enter my name on your sub­ to MAD's and . not conforming to the standards of scription list, and mail me the next 21 issues of MAD Stan Dubroca thought, speech and action derived Metairie, La. by the conformants from study of NAME themselves; at odds with the ma­ ADDRESS jority; in short, unusual. It's about time someone exposed that This, published in 1881. CITY thoroughly disgusting newspaper! Now Los Gapirios STATE ZIP- CODE if someone would only expose MAD AN ABSOLUTE MUST Magazine, the entire field of Journalism San Francisco, Calif. •Outside U.S.A., $2.50. "Outside U.S.A., $6.25. might be cleaned up. Please address all correspondence to: Please allow 8 week* (or your subscription to be processed. We Robert Shure cannot be responsible for cosh lost or stolen In the malls. MAD, Dept. 104, 850 Third Avenue Check or Money Order preferred. Bayside, N.Y. New York, New York 10022 MAD NAME. ADDRESS. 850 Third Avenue, CITY STATE. ZIP-CODE 01 New York, N.Y. 10022 ~ PLEASE SEND ME: • Like MAD • It's A World, World, etc., MAD • The Ides of MAD • Raving MAD We cannot be a. • Fighting MAD • DON MARTIN Steps Out responsible for cash •o D The MAD Reader • The MAD Frontier • DON MARTIN Bounces Back lost or stolen in 5 • MAD Strikes Back • MAD in Orbit • DON MARTIN Drops 13 Stories the Mails. Check or c • Inside MAD Money Order preferred • The Voodoo MAD • Looks At The U.S.A. On orders outside 8. • Utterly MAD • Greasy MAD Stuff • DAVE BERG Looks At People the U.S.A. be sure o • The Brothers MAD • Three Ring MAD • MAD's All-New "Spy-vs-Spy" to add 10% extra! 2 Q The Bedside MAD • The Self-Made MAD Allow six weeks § • Son of MAD • The MAD Sampler I ENCLOSE 50* FOR EACH: • The Organization MAD for delivery. UNDERHAND PITCH DEPT. Let's face it. Americans can be sold on anything, no matter how obnoxi­ Thank You, Irving Geek! ous or deadly it is. All it takes is the right kind of sneaky advertising. And the worst offenders are the so-called "Public Service Ad Campaigns" that make the most disgusting conditions seem glamorous, desirable, exciting and patriotic. Like f'rinstance these

Yes, Uncle Sam is proud of you, Irving. When you bought that new car, and that new color TV set, and all those other new appliances, you raised your standard of living and, at the same time, boosted the AMERICAN ECONOMY! Because of you, more products will be made and sold, and our way of life will remain strong. So keep buying, Irving! Uncle Sam needs more patriotic citizens like you! Let's Keep America's Economy Booming!

PRESENTED AS A PUBLIC SERVICE BY THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF LOAN COMPANIES

ARTIST:

1 get a thrill every time I 'It's that grand old smog! Though it clouds the skies we drive back into the city. • It's that low-lying smog! And burns our eyes- Why is it always so glorious en J You can tell by the smell It means there's employment •— and exciting? tell And the pall! For all! you why— fu' -t i

• ' if1$Sr jffFL

\ cF] '^^snnrw^j * sung to the tune of "Vou're A Grand Old Flag!" Isn't It Time You Grew Up? That's right! You are no longer a child! You are can do it for you. It's up to you to keep informed.— a thinking adult in a grown-up world. In these through newspapers and magazines, through radio troubled times, you cannot afford to* ignore the and TV, through demagogues and rabble-rousers. So deep, weighty problems of the world. But no one don't put it off! Start getting concerned—today!

"A WORRIED AMERICA IS AN INFORMED AMERICA"

THIS ADVERTISEMENT SPONSORED BY THE TRANQUILIZER DIVISION OF THE NATIONAL DRUG MANUFACTURERS ASSOCIATION.

WRITER: FRANK JACOBS HE'S A FUTURE V.I.P.!

Today he's living in a tenement. Tomorrow he'll and the rats and the garbage in the halls will give be a Senator, or a famous Broadway him the ambition and drive he'll need to get out of Producer, or a Heavyweight Champion Prizefighter! there and attain wealth and success in later life. Sure there are eight other people living in So let's keep them—those historic, 100-year-old that one-room apartment with him. Lucky for all of buildings that have supplied America with so many us there are! That, together with the cockroaches of its Statesmen, Industrialists and Celebrities.

PRESERVE OUR TENEMENTS -The Cradle of America's Greatness!

A PUBLIC SERVICE ADVERTISEMENT PREPARED AND PAID FOR BY THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF SLUMLORDS f PIMPLES ARE WONPERFUL ! I LIKE YOU, 8ETTy, 1 AND THEY SHOW THAT yoU'RE A BECAUSE yOU'RE A I'LL NORMAL, HAPPY, TYPICAL NORMAL, HAPPy, TyPICAL ALWAYS FUN-LOVING TEENAGER FUN-LOVING TEENAGER! WHO'S A PART OF THE BE THAT NORMAL, HAPPY, TYPICAL WAy, FUN-LOVING TEENAGE WALLY... WORLD l

•BETTY"IS PRESBNTEP EACH WEEKtN THE COmiC SECTION BY THE NATIONAL COUNCIL OF CHOCOLATE MANUFACTURERS

What does "Living" really mean?

Join The "Active Ones"! THIS AD PRESENTED AS A PUBLIC SERVICE BY THE NATiONAL Start Living Today! ASSOCIATION OF AMERICAAumrtuN UNDERTAKER... S MICROFOLK DEPT. If you think this world out here is in a pretty sorry state, take a look at the troubles besetting those residents of that world-within-a-world as we present: ANOTHER MAD Peek Through The IVII ARTIST: , JR. WRITER: PHIL HAHN

Name your miracle drug!

I'm collecting for Polio Research! We're trying to find a way to make it incurable again!

The President just appointed him as the new Chief Of Staph! Ugly looking brute, isn't he? He may look harmless, but he's deteriorated many a brain in his time!

What's wrong with Max? He's not very communicable this evening!

He refuses to go to the Halloween Party! He's afraid the Hemoglobins'll get him! the Jncompari

As Hitler entered the room, he was heard to say Bit Of with a twinkle in his eye, "...so all these people went in to take their showers like they were ordered see, but when they got inside, they found that the showerheads weren't showerheads at all but poison flUolph fit gas outlets. The joke was on them! Ha, ha, ha When no one laughed, the irrepressible little Chancellor looked slowly around the room and dead- panned, "Well, I guess you had to be there. For a topper, the next day Hitler saw to it that all those who hadn't laughed WERE there! He was noted for little touches like that. In another lighter moment, when the wittyDfc tator was told of the German reversals at Stalingrad, he entered into a delightfully humorous pan om.me in which he shrieked and tore his hair and fell on he Hoor and kicked his feet and finally took a frothing bite out of his office rug. Of course, it was just another one of those amusing comic performances he was noted for. When it was over, and the hysteri­ cal laughter had subsided, he observed with an impish grin that all the Generals in command on the Eastern Front would be stood up against a wall and —35—

FUNNY-BONE-HEADS DEPT. It all started with Lincoln. Somebody discovered that there was a market for old Abe's humorous anecdotes, and so every few years a new book of Lincoln's witty sayings would appear. Then, along came Bill Adler, who could make anyone seem funny if there was a buck in it. Mr. Adler compiled "The Kennedy Wit" and "More Kennedy Wit", then branched out with "The Churchill Wit", and the bandwagon was rolling. Next, somebody URE Wl ARTIST: MORT DRUCKE

slfsSSSSSsa

h ka ,e iS Sh0e Ce *erl7:S ZT ' °" - "««- e" pe,

U P e S 8 m0S,diSCT mi ated =SainS^hf„ etTtH e :tV rat . ' "

You know, of course that HHW was Jewish. The PolheGa^tH ? ' grandmoth" ing gravestone I ? had an article ^ow- b/a/s ZeJewish" ^^ that S°me °f his f°- TwE ^ "° Th ,hing as menta' health " K,anS y U kn0W troubl f'th'f S ' 8° " ^ ba-g the saying it°s *Z7ZZZ££, ™ "-

-18- FUNNY SONNY One of Sonny's favorite pranks was to walk up to a complete stranger and punch him in the stomach. He used to top this off by stealing his victim's wallet. THE WIT AND WISDOM But he abandoned this gay practice when the humor of the situation seemed to be escaping the Law OF CHARLES LISTON Enforcement people. Liston's most hilarious line was delivered before the first Clay fight, when he jibbed, "He all talk! Sonny shut his mouf good!" On still another occasion, Liston convulsed a crowd of reporters by announcing with his sly boyish grin that he was going to pound them all into pulps if they kept writing those "bad things" about him. Life with Liston was a laugh-a-minute at home in Denver, where he would amuse everyone by picking up his friends by their lapels and, with an appro­ priate remark, throw them through the nearest wall or down the nearest flight of stairs or out the nearest open window. One of Sonny's best-remembered laugh-getters oc­ curred when the Life Magazine photographer as­ signed to cover his private life got under foot one day. Sonny hauled off and let him have a right cross

-79-

jumped on with "The Wit And Wisdom Of Adlai Stevenson", and one incurable optimist even tried to do a book of "The Lyndon Johnson Wit" but it turned out to be a very slim volume. In fact, the only thing funny about it was that somebody published it. However, we at MAD feel that this trend will continue, and that the "humor" of more and more unlikely celebrities from the past and present will soon be appearing in these...

kTj WRITERS: PHIL HAHN & JACK HANRAHAN IT

but he was often funnier when he was speaking off the cuff. Few will ever forget the night Ed ad-libbed that memorable block-buster of a line, "How much time do we have?" And on that very same show, he doubled up the studio audience with another of his better-known bon mots, "Here's a man who needs no introduction ..." Sullivan's capacity for spontaneous quips seemed endless. Such brilliant flashes of humor as, "But first, here's an important announcement." and "We'll be right back with another great act." flashed like light­ ning from his quick mind. Part of the man's talent was his keen sense of tim­ ing. He could take a familiar line and make it seem fresh by using it in a new context. Thus, his "We've got a really big shew." time and time again elicited guffaws from the very same people who had heard it over and over and over and over and over and over. Few realize it, but Ed originated many great gags which have since become standard material on TV. One night, when his show ran a little late, he came up with, "We're a little late, so good-night!" Show Busi­ ness abounds with other examples. However, we'd THE SftWTANEOBS WIT like to recall Sullivan's finest, funniest hour. The per­ former on stage at the time was up-and-coming OF comic, Jackie Mason. As Mason was winding up his act, the one-minute warning finger was flashed. Jackie ED SULLIVAN -21- and the entire Convention of sedate, sober Teamsters exploded in a riot of laughter. Jimmy was often at his funniest, however, with newsmen. In one such off-the-cuff session, after he was convicted on three counts in 1964, the questions and hilarious answers went like this ( and hold on to your sides ) : Q. "What do you think of the Judge's deci­ sion, Mr. Hoffa? A. "That dirty #S%&@(*! had it in for me!" Jimmy quipped. Q. "Do you hold any animosity towards the former employee of yours who turned State's evidence?" A. "If I ever get mv hands on that #S%&@*!, I'll wring his #«%&@

-14-

THE BEACH BLANKET BINGO BIKINI AU GO GO HUMOR OF It was during her five-year stint as an eleven- year-old on the Mickey Mouse Club TV Show that Annette broke up audiences with such sure­ ANNETTE fire material as: "Hi, boys and girls! I'm Annette!" and "Gee, thanks! I'd love to sing a song!" and "Golly, we hate to say goodby, but the clock on the club­ house wall says it's time to go!" Her natural warmth and humor, coupled with the fact that she could no longer fit into a Mickey Mouse Club Sweatshirt brought her to the attention of the front office at the Disney Studios, and led to her subsequent undisputed 15-year reign as "Queen Of The Teen Flicks." When asked by newsmen why she'd dropped her last name (Funicello) and about three- quarters of an inch of her nose, she quipped, "Golly, we hate to say goodby, but the clock on the clubhouse wall says it's time to go\" and dismissed them with her winning smile. Often, during the shooting of her many fabu­ lous "Beach" movies, Annette would shun the script and improvise such wild, wacky dialogue as: "Hi, boys and girls! I'm Annette!" and "Gee, thanks! I'd love to sing a song!" and "Golly, we hate to say goodby, but the clock

-104- Well, Mr. Freenbean. DON MARTIN DEPT. PART I time for our lunch! IN THE HOSPITAL

Gipypoipj PARTY POPPERS DEPT. Have you noticed how more and more actors, writers, singers and others who deal with the pub­ lic on one level are coming on at another level. . . mainly politics? What makes these people think that just because we enjoy their professional talents we're gonna enjoy their political philosophies, too? And what about other people in other professions? Suppose they followed this trend? Things could get pretty ridiculous! You'll see what we mean as MAD takes a look at... THE DANGERS INHERENT IN MIXING PERSONAL PO The ULTRA-LIBERAL DEMOCRAT Restaurant Owner...

The JOHN BIRCH SOCIETY Exterminator... irj , •. „ 1 , . <^: :—i*_x THIS TREND TOWARD... LITICS WITH CAREERS ARTIST: WRITER: FRANK JACOBS

I—er—don't Haven't you heard of What's this? A It was! That's for the cup Just remember Here, have a mean to sound Civil Rights?! Eggplant Check for $18.50?! of coffee you ordered! I how happy you Bicarbonate ungrateful, but is a Minority I thought you got a big overhead, what were until you Yeah— of Soda! The I don't care Vegetable! You'll eat said the dinner with paying people not to got the bill! but now check includes for Eggplant! it-and like it! was on the house! work and giving away food! I feel our Medicare sick! Program!

-MS s -•jy v *-V ^T~*- It only looks like a housefly! i But—but What's one room!? It's a Because Well—er—thank That's okay, It's really a termite in disguise! | you're small price to pay when you Got he made you for saving lady! Just They'll go to any lengths to I wrecking think of what damage those who? himse If i my home . . . remember- carry out their rotten, evil | my Living dirty rats are doing to the [i\ How invisible! what's left of it! once you've conspiracy to destroy your house! Room! foundation of your house come I Termites rebuilt it, I'll ' i" ' ' i ii didn't always be back! Take that, you lousy little see do that! fellow-traveler! GOT 'IM!! him! The ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE Used Car Salesman...

I'm looking You've come to the right How about this Actually, Then how about this 1911 Stanley Steamer? Er—don't for a good, place. We have the finest 1904 Maxwell, I was It was owned by a little old lady who you have inexpensive selection of used cars in completely equipped looking for used it only once ... on Election Day in something used car! the entire 26 States! with gas lamps, something 1912, when she drove to the polls to vote more spoke wheels and with a bit for William Howard Taft, that great Repub— modem? steel running boards? more room!

The COMMUNIST Doctor...

Good morning, Comrade! I've got a pain Hmmm! The trouble is obvious! Your After years of oppression What do What's ailing you? in my stomach! appendix is starting a glorious revolution by capitalistic gastric you think against your large intestine! juices, your appendix is should now proclaiming its freedom! be done?

The SOCIALIST Laundryman...

Hey, these aren't Exactly! It's the But my shirts cost $12.50 So the other customers Don't you Whaddya the shirts I only fair way to apiece! Some of these are won't be able to wear have just want me to brought in! This distribute laundry! practically rags! And they yours, either! But at one of my do, give you stuff looks like Every customer gets aren't even my size! I least there's equal shirts in your shirt off it belongs to 20 his share of the won't be able to wear 'em! distribution of wealth! the store? my back? I'm different guys! good and the bad! in this too, 1/ y'know! Er—how Surely you don't want an Oh, I do! I A 1928 PLYMOUTH!! Next thing you'l Just as I thought! An long have assembly line model built was thinking be wanting a rumble seat and a radio U immigrant! Hit the road, by men who belong to Labor about—er— and a heater! This is no junk shop! We |~| you lived crumb! We don't make Unions!? You look like a man something sell cars built to precision by honest in this deals with your kind! who appreciates traditional like a 1928 workmen who were proud to do an honest town? American craftsmanship! Plymouth? 14-hour-day's work for an honest dollar!

1 Comrade, the day of liberation is here! Where To the operating room, I am happy to tell Don't be By acting now, we can free the down­ are you where we will create a you, Comrade, that foolish, You trodden enslaved appendix from the taking me? glorious new digestive era! the operation was a Comrade! removed decadent imperialistic intestine! success! Your appendix 1 removed is now free! my your appendix!? intestine!!

The ANARCHIST Pro-Football Quarterback... l-WYirVH/TX Ct/ YWJigWt J- /i;*"HW Let's see—we're Hah! What do Hey, you just Good! Maybe they'll tear What happened!? All I had to first and ten on I care!? Down carried the ball down the goalposts the players are dead, Punt now?! take their 5-yard line! with coaches! across the wrong before the game is over! the referee is injured, desperate Don't be There's only one Down with goal line! The Better still, maybe they'll and there's a 10-foot measures, ridiculous! play to call here! referees! Down crowd is getting tear down the whole H crater in the end-zone! so I threw The coach Punt Formation! with football! mad! stadium! the "Long will blow Bomb". And I do mean BOMB!! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOURMULA PEPT. THERE IS ALWAYS A TENDENCY TO GENERALIZE ABOUT MEMBERS OF SOCIAL AND

THREE CHINESE FOUR CHINESE

is an RESTAURANT IMMIGRATION QUOTA POPULATION EXPLOSION

ONE FRENCHMAN I I TWO FRENCHMEN THREE FRENCHMEN FOUR FRENCHMEN

'±53b> is a POLITICAL PARTY MARRIAGE FILM FESTIVAL

ONE SOUTH AMERICAN • TWO SOUTH AMERICANS •• THREE SOUTH AMERICANS FOUR SOUTH AMERICANS

&* y/\NQU 3K ^ <^ is a ^£ ^S^"^Sis an " BULLFIGHT NEW DANCE CRAZE ANTI-U.S. MOB FOREIGN AID PROGRAM

ONE TEENAGER TWO TEENAGERS THREE TEENAGERS FOUR TEENAGERS

is a TELEPHONE TIE-UP DRAG RACE N.Y. METS OUTFIELD BEACH MOVIE 18 ETHNIC GROUPS. THIS NEXT ARTICLE IS CALCULATED TO SHOW THE IDIOCY OF

...BY THE NUMBERS ARTIST:

ONE ITALIAN TWO ITALIANS THREE ITALIANS FOUR ITALIANS

is a PIZZA PARLOR BARBER SHOP SENATE INVESTIGATION

ONE ARAB TWO ARABS THREE ARABS FOUR ARABS

I (x) e /pve is a is an BRITISH PROTECTORATE BORDER WAR U.N. CRISIS OMAR SHARIF FAN CLUB

ONE TEXAN TWO TEXANS THREE TEXANS FOUR TEXANS

is an MARLBC RO COMMERCIAL OIL MONOPOLY JO WAYNE MOVIE *EAT SOCIETY"

ONE NEGRO TWO NEGROES THREE NEGROES FOUR NEGROES

is an is SAMMY DAVIS, JR. TOKEN INTEGRATION CHAMPIONSHIP BOUT EMERGING AFRICAN NATION 19 ONE BEATNIK TWO BEATNIKS THREE BEATNIKS FOUR BEATNIKS

is an POETRY READI TRIAL MARRIAGE TEST GROUP UNEMPLOYMENT LINE

ONE ENGLISHMEN I I TWO ENGLISHMEN I I THREE ENGLISHMEN FOUR ENGLISHMEN

hM is an PARLIAMENT MAJORITY EXPEDITION NEW SINGING GROUP

ONE IRISHMAN TWO IRISHMEN THREE IRISHMEN FOUR IRISHMEN

POLICE FORCE

ONE JEW TWO JEWS THREE JEWS FOUR JEWS

SMALL BUSINESS SMALL BUSINESS & SON COMEDY-WRITING TEAM CATSKILLS RESORT

ONE MAD READER I I TWO MAD READERS I I THREE MAD READERS FOUR MAD READERS

is a is our DROP-OUT LUNATIC FRINGE DISASTER AREA TOTAL CIRCULATION 20 INSTITUTION FOR THE CRIMINALLY INANE DEPT. Some articles in MAD need no introductions, and this article is one of them. However, we make it a practice to always have introductions to our articles— whether they need them or not. So here goes with this introduction: Article, we'd like you to meet the Gang. Gang, we'd like to introduce the article . . . MAD VISITS THE

ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: LARRY SI EGEL

Hello, MAD Readers. I'm Tell I see. And you taught Oh—so the object of reporter Doris Fleagle— me a Gladly. One day, him, and he developed What day in the past? He the Academy is to about to interview Calvin little a fellow named his talents, and he grew walked in and asked me help the unpromising Bland, the Director of a bit Ringo Starr walked to become the most popular that last week. I told unknowns of today little-known, but unique about into my office. performer in the world. him, "You learn how to develop into the educational institution the He said, "Would Gee, Mr. Bland, I guess play the drums and sing, Mediocrities of known as "The American A.M.A., you teach me how that day in the past and you're out of business tomorrow... Mediocrity Academy". . . Mr. Bland. to play the drums will go down in history. tomorrow!" You see, Ringo and sini is a Natural Mediocrity. Now for the Tell us, girls I could hug He's I Mr. Bland, this Of Now that you've female side of —why are you him to death. like a wanna wanna is ridiculous. course If seen the male Mediocrity- so wild about He's like a little give make You can't carry not! One and female side Worship. Oh, David wistful puppy. lost him him off a grown man of them of Mediocrity- we're in luck. McCallum? There You see, my boy. a go like David will have Worship, Miss There's David are so many parents never i bottie. "Ah-ah McCallum and to burp Fleagle, let me show you around McCallum and better, more let me have wanna Baby". give him a him first! my Academy where a bunch of talented a puppy of mother bottie and then Future his fans. actors around. my own. him. make him go Mediocrities "Ah-ah, Baby"!! are born.

This is No, no Look at Bitsko over there. He was hit The That's right. the Nick Fleeber. Your He's got just the right on the head The Pop Fabian I used to love See? You're not Adams mouth is expression. It's Vince with a Singing Memorial Chubby Checker! sure! And neither Workshop twitching. Edwards out of Gardner stage prop. Class is Studio? are we. Singers for You're showing McKay out of John Wayne. He's been conducted But Fabian come and go so Who?? Future emotion. You' Brilliant, Bitsko. Tell unconscious here in is still fast these days Actors and never achieve Fleeber how you do it, for the the Fabian alive— that you forget actresses! Mediocrity Bitsko—Bitsko . . . What's hour! Memorial think. that way! wrong with him? Studio— they ever existed from one minute to the next. . .

\ '/• NM JL To attain Mediocrity in The rain in Spain stays Wrong. Try And this is the Keefe Brasselle Chapel. Non- Perhaps Pop Singing today, the mainly on the plain. it again! Sectarian, of course. Whenever one of our later. young artist must be in students shows dangerous signs of talent, he Right his Teens, must look The rain in Spain stays Wrong. comes here to meditate. Once inside, he now, I'd ridiculous, and above all, mainly on the plain. Again . thinks lovely, bland, mediocre thoughts, and like to must have a British ~~l I in no time he's cleansed of sin. Would you see your TV Cockney accent.. . The rine in Spine sties By George, like to go in? The subject for today's sermon Classes. minely on the pline. he's got it. is "Richard Beymer. . . The Man And The Myth' think he's got it! Well, well. Durward . . . so far today, Now I would like to cover Mr. Bland, What was the Kirby Auditorium, class, you have the all-important TV Smile. who is that experience? In a way. On October 16th where we hold our learned the art of I want you all to stretch teenage girl 1965, she experienced class for Future speaking on TV your lips as far as they'll immortalized something which no She TV Panelists and without saying go. Good. Show all your in a statue Mediocrity-Worshipper has actually Moderators, is anything—and teeth. Fine. Now clear your over there? Is ever experienced before, saw really crowded. And also the art of eyes of all visible signs she some sort and perhaps will never Murray no wonder. We have projecting of intelligence. Excellent. of celebrity? experience again—at least The K with an important guest nauseating Smile wide and empty. Smile! not in our life-time . . . his hat off! lecturer today . . . wholesomeness.

Here we areb Well, they don't actually create Then the What a Really? What at Ozzie writers copy fantastic happened? the series. Naturally, nobody It broke Nelson Hall, So this is them down. computer! creates on TV. What we do is feed down where our where all In that way, To think that all of the scripts of one season's yesterday It was the TV Creative the brilliant we do away you can feed television fare into that computer after we |_J first time in Writing eager writers with TV's it a whole there. The machine then feeds fed it ,—, history that Classes create the greatest season's back thousands of tried-and-true this year's an IBM machine are held. TV series of danger.. . TV scripts! ingredients which were used on TV scripts! ever threw up! tomorrow? Television before! originality! Here in the Andy Warhohl Tell me, how did you Neither, it Now on this wall, we have a Oh, there's Wet Paint. Now, Studio, our Art Students manage to achieve this came from that perfect example of today's the artist. if you'll excuse learn to fulfill the need fantastic effect on "Creative Writing Pop Art. Dealers have offered me, lady, I gotta for Mediocrity in the Art canvas? Did it come IBM Computer" us up to $25,000 for it since Tell me, go do the wall in World. How do you like from your heart? Did that threw up it was painted this morning. what do you the Men's Room! this perfect example of it come from your soul? yesterday. Notice the cool simplicity— call this? Abstract Expressionism the magnificent technique!

r This is the Mel Allen Athletic Are you kidding? Okay, Higgins. I saw you Field, Miss Fleagle. On this That's hard to believe. They're Why, the New York catch that fly ball. Hang up field, the Major League Baseball bumping into each other, tripping, Mets, of course! your spikes. You're through! Players of tomorrow are born. getting hit on the head. They're terrible. Who would want them? £^_

Now, Mr. Bland. You're Of course they do. They wouldn't make a Now, I'd like to Sorry—No. The not going to tell me cent if they ever had a winning team. Met show you Alfred E. don't know if I Academy is closed that the New York Mets fans adore loveable Mediocrities. And we're Neuman Hall and our can take any more tomorrow. It's Ed WANT rotten players! training enough young clods here to keep classes in Magazine of this, Mr. Bland. Sullivan's BIRTHDAY! v them in last place for the next 50 years. Writing, Editing Can't you show it and Publishing. to me tomorrow? DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II

mftcw 25 RHYME WITH A VIEW DEPT. A PORTFOLIO OF,

Heave Ho! Gentleman In Waiting

At The Whenever o'e* es | SaU bank line or that post moves You'll alwa)ls ' a ra\\, office, t the I'm quickest 0 Getting sick* Up. easy is to right spot: where I'm Spring's Labor's Lost not! I RAKE AND SEED, Foul-Up WATERandWEED, There's one in every big parade: the guy with lots of pep SPADE AND HOE. Who struts so proud, but, stupidly, is always out of . WHAT WILL GROW step* AFTER THIS TOIL IN VIRGIN SOIL? KENTUCKY BLUE? Wedding Reception, Catered NOT IN VIEW £TAe cAcvm/iaane flotvb /i/c<> t&afeb, FESCUE? BENT? »1 \ V Profile Of A Dieter BOTH ABSENT *- WHATKINP ^ When Now my OF GREEN, / \ I started flabby THEN, J to diet, I old fat had me a plan: is the To cut down my thing s * / \ / weight and to get that I A "3 % :<•> me a man. So I gave miss- up potatoes and ice For I % dee/ cream and cake, and ended aetjn— I dogged through up c% the days when looking my stomach exactly \ would like ache. THIS! 26 M AD VERSWRITER: WILLIAEM GARVIN Wheel Economy

pact" car «, »w o,

Is whose price tag fits cl ass Code In Mr Head ° n e •1 • locodenumbers

*S ^ A^eaconfusedi %

.5 * ' keep 9 a> yZiP'"

Survival Test il £|AJUiJ Aj CjOlMjilJjllCjAjTj^J^J TJOJ Yj

ill u| _rj jj AJU ilojiJlGJ AjUoJujNj^J £1 ijojil

Jilt\ BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. THE LIGHTER

% I've got a Book Report to So what are you sitting make! I've got Math, an' here watching television Science, an' History! for! Get to work!! Boy, they sure load us up!

f You know what I hate most about Particularly that Miss Boverly. Who does she think she's kidding Why doesn't she accept teachers? When they try to act I hate the way she touches up —getting out here and dancing the fact that she's a young and make us kids think her gray hair, and puts on eye with the kids at these School twenty-nine-year-old bag!? that they're real swingers! make-up, and wears tight skirts! Dances just to show us she's a A teacher should maintain her regular guy? Boy, I hate that! ~7^ kO^Yeah! dignity and act her age! j*t[^hD

Sororities are absolutely stupid! They're Then there's another stupid ritual called Then there's "Hell Night", another stupid nothing but snobbish in-groups! Right now, "Pledging"! That's when they mark up your ritual where they make you suffer further they're looking for prospective members face and make you wear ridiculous clothes indignities before they admit you as a in a stupid ritual called "Rushing"! It's and force you to walk around the campus full-fledged "Sister"! No wonder so many a terribly cruel blow to the girls they and in town, doing idiotic things! High Schools have outlawed Sororities! don't accept! •.•.-,

<*> LUNCH .. NUCSE'S ROOM t KOO/M

WRITER & ARTIST: DAVID BERG Let's see! You're a straight-A But I was thinking Why there? Because I feel I'd make student and you did well on your of applying to the That's one out much better there! College Entrance Exams. Therefore, State College of of the lowest Did you see the ratio? as your Guidance Counselor, I'd Technology! rated schools! advise you to try for a top-rated school like Harvard or Princeton V* or Yale. You'd make out beautifully in one of those fine schools! T

Hi, girls! What did you Whaddya mean "terrible"!? Big deal! We walked back and TERRIBLE!! think of the game? Our school won 36 to 0! forth in front of the grandstand for the whole game, and not one boy tried to pick us up!

Why, I wouldn't join one of those That's exactly what I told the MOTHER!! HOW COULD stupid Sororities if they begged me!! Sorority that just called! YOU BE SO STUPID!?

-X Those darn teachers! All they And each teacher thinks that Then there's our darn parents Whew! Well, Great! Now I gotta can think of is Homework . . . his darn subject is the most who keep telling us we gotta thank knock my brains out Homework ... Homework!! They important subject we've got, do our Homework so's we can goodness copying it! never let us have any time so he just keeps piling it on! get better marks so's we can I finally for ourselves! Like, have a heart, already!! get into college! Sure, it's finished easy for them to say it! But the we have to do all the work! homework!

Hey, Lion-in-a-Cage! What's It's that exam I'm having If you spent as much time Studying for it?! How with you? All evening long, tomorrow! I'm really studying for it as you spend can I study for it you've been pacing up and worried about it! worrying about it, you'd be when I'm so upset?! down, up and down ... much better off!

I just can't understand how In my lousy seventeen years, How could you just Because But it took me till now you, my father, could have you know what I know? I know sit there and take he's right! to find it out! And I lived so long and yet know a heck of a lot more than all that sass from I don't was much smarter than he nothin'! That's what you you know! That's what I know! a punk kid? know is when I was his age! know, you know! Nothin'! nothin'! 7C

I was just thinking: Remember how, But now that they're older [HEY, YOU, DOWN THERE! when the kids were young and they'd and going to High School, PS HEAR A LITTLE have a party down in the playroom, NOISE!! they'd get so noisy we'd have to yell, "HEY, YOU, DOWN THERE! CUT OUT THAT NOISE!"? See, Mother? That's what I've That's why I have to do what I do! been telling you! Straight All of the other girls in school hair is "In" this year, and have such naturally lovely long curly hair is "Out"... straight hair... but I have to IRON my hair to make it straight!

Beverly, darling! I've met him! We were passing out IBM cards I know! I know! You Last week?! Oh, that was Mr. Right! It was one of those and our hands touched. It was told me all about Bob Green! I'm talking magical things that happens only like electricity. We both knew this last week! about Martin Drabb! once in a lifetime, and it took instantly. Now, we're going That's this week! place right in my own Homeroom! steady, and it's all figured \[ I'll never forget it if I live out. The day he graduates from forever . .. even longer!! college, we'll be married!

I don't know why you're) You can't Aw, c'mon! Don't say that! Like Like she has a cute always hanging around judge She's a Lillian has some what, brother—and he's with that Lillian Furd! people real wonderful assets! f'rinstance? going to Med School! She's from Dullsville! from the nothing! surface! SLOW DOWN REDUCE DANGER AND FAKE A SPEED FULL STOP

THE TROUBLE WITH ROAD SIGNS IS: THEY NEVER TELL THE

WED REALLY ARTIST: BOB CLARKE DOUBLE PROCEED ENTERING WITH FREEWAY PARKING CAUTION MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL PROHIBITED PAVEMENT CRACKED AND BUCKLING DUE TO FAULTY CONSTRUCTION AND INFERIOR MATERIALS USED BY CONTRACTOR WHO PAID OFF WHOLE STORY. YOU'LL SEE WHAT WE MEAN AS MAD PRESENTS LIMIT 15 M.P.H. STRICTLY ENFORCED UPON SIGNS OUT-OF-STATE VEHICLES

LIKWRITERS: PHIL HAHNE & JACK HANRAHATNO SEE SPEED ROAD CHAOS CHECKED ENDS AHEAD RADAR TICKET CHECKED BY BRIBE LICKING THE PROBLEM DEPT. Everyone profits by using the U.S. Mails. Everyone, that is, except the U.S. Post Office Department, as their yearly defi­ cit will attest. So we here at MAD have come up with a solution to this problem —mainly, advertising! Stamps are seen POSTAGE] by millions of people daily, and the only messages that come through are things like "It's the 100th Anniversary of Groundhog Day" or "Celebrating the Bi­ centennial of the Founding of the U.S. STAMP Fertilizer Industry." These ridiculous "Commemoratives" bring nothing but the few pennies that the public pays for these stamps. What we suggest is that the Post Office Department get out of the red and ADVERTISING into the long green by selling space for ARTIST & WRITER: AL JAFFEE STAMP ADS COULD BE US Standard Post Office Dept. stamps could become highly desirable advertising spaces for certain companies because of their clever "message tie-in" value:

For some advertisers, the "TV Story-Board" technique could be particularly appealing. Here's an example of an effective "TV Story-Board" stamp strip:

U.S. Postage 1« S. Postage 1«

34 VSTAMP ADS" ARE ALREADY IN USE ON A SMALL SCALE FUTURE "STAMP ADS" COULD ATTRACT BIG ADVERTISERS STAMP OUT >F=-'-T:^») U5 POSTAGE '• HY POKONDRiAK'S ft Pharmacy V POSTAGE b66 Neurotic Rd. \ STAMPS Acheville, Ohio Pitney-Bowes Stomach Pills . -fT-f^'. Postage Motor Corporation BESS::::!:!-- Pill Pills $4.99 NOTICE: THIS BILL N, IS THREE MONTHS OVERDUE! ^

Special Offer 1 '. Overdue Bill Pills— Some "stamp advertising messages" already appear on mail. With ads printed directly on stamps, the U.S. Government They are the messages printed by Postage Meters. But the would reap huge profits, and public would be treated to a profits from these all go to the Independent Meter-Maker. respite from those idiotic, meaningless commemoratives. ED IN MANY EXCITING WAYS

Happy Hunting Lodge

Advertisers could split the costs by participating in sheets of stamps the way sponsors WOOSEDROPPING, VT do with "Special MCGREGOR TV Shows." This SPORTSWEAR would be especially effective when the products relate well to each other. Myron Bloodthirsty, 27 Blastum Place, Catskill, Ga. 67890

Other stamps, sold on rolls, could be used one at a time ... or all at once to create amusing "teaser" effect that their road-sign counterparts produce:

UNITED STATES POSTAGE Everyone would collect odd-shaped stamps. A double-purpose could be served by producing them, since it is an ideal way to promote company trade-marks:

J PcubSt \ Blue Ribbon CHEVROLET

The largest volume of mail sent out by business organizations contains bad news for the public . . . mainly bills. To offset the bad feeling created by this necessary evil, bill-senders could use special stamps like these, that feature fun and entertainment, and make the recipient forget his troubles:

THE SYNDICATED THE ONE-PANEL GAG CARTOON STAMP CARTOON STAMP Popular magazine cartoonists would Famous Comic Characters submit fresh gags for each month's could be used on stamps new issue of these hilarious stamps. to get laughs. Value of such Public Relations to Bill-Mailers would be so great, they'd willingly use costly denominations for ordinary 5tf letters

THE CONTINUITY SERIAL-STORY STAMP Customers would look forward to each month's installment, and might even make unwanted purchases just to be sure of having a bill mailed to them.

On the local level, Postmasters would be authorized to accept small orders for special printings of stamps containing personal messages. For example:

ANNOUNCEMENTS ELECTIONEERING SALES GIMMICKS FUN AND GAMES Stamps like these could be Politicians couldn't resist Small "Mail-Order" outfits Huge teenage market could used as extra reminders of this publicity gimmick, and would find the personalized be created with personal gifts due, etc. Excellent RO. Dept. would make money stamp a real boon with its "Do-it-yourself" gag-type for notices of Engagements, instead of losing it on all easily-clipped-out coupon. stamps. Besides profit for Marriages, Births, Deaths, these free-loaders who can (Note: Coupon is glueless P.O. Dept, kids would also Divorces, Re-Marriages, etc. now mail their letters free. on back for easy removal.) be forced to learn to write. 36 MISS-TAKE-A-LETTER DEPT. Today, automation is invading almost every job area. Thousands are being thrown out of work in offices and factories, and there's no telling where it will end. Recently, it was announ­ ced that among those slated for obsolescence are the "Office Secretaries". It seems that they will soon be replaced by something called "The Voice-Typewriter" ... a computer device that will type a letter as you talk into it, translating voice signals into typewriter-key combi­ nations. And so, because we'd hate to see the "Secretary" disappear from the office scene (It won't be much fun chasing a computer around the desk!), we offer this article in which MAD Looks At The "Voice-Typewriter"

THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE TODAY: THE BOSS CALLS IN HIS THE SECRETARY THEN GOES AHEAD AND MAKES SENSE OUT OF SECRETARY AND ATTEMPTS TO DICTATE A COHERENT LETTER THIS GIBBERISH, AND THE LETTER COMES OUT LIKE THIS:

My Dear Mr. Manville . .. er... make that Dear Mr. Manville . . . Thank you for your letter ... or should that be Thank you for your inquiry . . . let's see . . . we are happy ... no, make that We are gratified ... ~MKKKKSa*~

January 7, 1966

R- J- Manville Acme Veeblefetzers, Inc 235 Street Holyoke, Mass.

Dear Mr. Manville:

1 *•" Pokin g forwara d to stration. PP°mtmenmeetint gfo your a. deaon -

Sincerely yours,

Martin Finster President

"Y0UCanBeS«" V It's A Finster'

HOWEVER, WITH THE "VOICE-TYPEWRITER" THE SECRETARY IS ELIMINATED AND THE MACHINE TYPES THE LETTER EXACTLY AS DICTATED. IN OTHER WORDS, STOP WORRYING, OFFICE SECRETARIES! THEY'LL NEVER REPLACE YOU WITH THIS IDIOTIC GADGET! BECAUSE THE LETTERS WILL PROBABLY LOOK LIKE THESE ^>

ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: 37 INVESTMENT COUNSELING • ESTATE MANAGEMENT WHEELER, DEALER AND COAIMAAI MEMBERS, NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE 30 WALL STREET, NEW YORK CITY

Arnold J. Crane January 14, 1966 Crane Enterprises Broad and Market Streets Middleboro, Ohio Dear Mr. Crane: It is a pleasure to welcome you to our dis­ tinguished list of accounts. Be assured that you will receive the same dedicated attention and service that has made Wheeler, Dealer and Conman one of the most trusted names on Wall Street. We have always taken pride in Woweee-- Who in heck is that in the pink sweater? She must be old Wheeler's new Private Secretary! Oh, that dirty old man! Er...pride in our en­ viable reputation here on "The Street" and I' 11 bet she's a 38 or a 39 if she's an inch! Boy, if old Wheeler's battle-axe wife ever sees her! Especially after what happened with the last one! Our efficient Statistical Department will assist you in obtaining reliable facts and fig­ ures concerning investments, and she may be a 40 or a 41, even! Man, she's going to drive me nuts! I won't be able to do a thing all day! Oh, FREDERICK RICHARDS, INC. in conclusion, Mr. Crane, we at Wheeler, Dealer 305 Michigan Boulevard, Chicago, Illinois and Conman pledge ourselves to unceasing ef­ forts in your behalf. Maybe even a 42!.' JANUARY 14, 1965 --ER --66 Sincerely yours,

DEAR SON: Or maybe I should say Dear Bloodsucker: Charles P. Redmond YOUR MOTHER AND 1 WERE HAPPY TO RECEIVE YOUR NOTE. Hah! Vice President Some note! A postcard, saying, "Send money 1" YOUR "MOTHER THINKS ABOUT YOU QUITE A BIT THESE DAYS, SON. Hi J You can tell me Charlie-- She must be thinking about you; she sure in heck doesn't all my friends do. What shade think about me 1 AND WE ARE BOTH PROUD THAT YOU ARE DOING of pink is that lovely sweater? SO WELL IN COLLEGE. Some proud! My son, the Home Eco­ nomics Major 1 YOU KNOW THAT I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO THE DAY WHEN YOU WILL GRADUATE AND TAKE YOUR PLACE BESIDE ME in the poorhouse, the way that kid spends money! SO KEEP AT IT, WORK HARD, I should live so long! AND WRITE WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE, like the next time you need money 1 LOVE, DAD

P.S. ENCLOSED IS A CHECK FOR THE MONEY YOU ASKED FOR. Choke on it!

Virginia Mayo Clinic Highland Park Drive, Rochester, Minnesota Edwidwin Armbruster, M.D. 1110 Park Avenue Ne9wW York, MN. Yv. January u, 1966 Dear Dr. Armbruster:--

After a careful review of the extensive tests performed upon your patient, Mrs. Annabelle (1.Klotz) TH, Ereferre CHEST dX-RAY to u:s on January 7, 1966, we have come to the following conclusions:

PeteWe fin! dI sa thiclouds ay cloudconditioy conditionn in the ,lowe or rdi portiod thatn dopeof thye X-Ralefty lungTechnicia, and advisn pute hithat--Heys finger,­ (2.) printTHE BLOOs oDn TESTthe film: s again? Oh, well--this condition requires immediate attention.

A test of the patient's blood disclosed that--Hey, Pete! Got the results of the blood (3.) DIAGNOSItest? Oh,S los& CONCLUSIONSt them, eh?: Never mind--more tests will be required.

It is our firm opinion that--Hey, Pete! What should we tell this guy? Aw, come on, what do you mean cold compresses! Boy, you're some help--the patient should return here and submit to another series of tests to enable us to re-check our findings. Sincere! v iw~ -- «w« our findings **"***BBBB(BB| " in—,, , of ^search OFFICE OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF ARMED FORCES OF THE UNITED STATES PENTAGON, WASHINGTON, D.C. January 14, 1966 The President of the United States White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. Dear Mr. President:-- In reference to your recent Executive Order #55-998L, please be advised that I am now in possession of the re­ vised Defense Plan For the Continental United States. I am aware that this Top Secret Plan has the highest secu­ rity rating possible, and that I am the only one, aside from yourself, authorized to possess and have knowledge of this Classified Information. At present, the document is under lock and key in the top drawer of my desk and-- Let's just check to make sure. Oh, my gosh, I don't have JONES and SMITH my desk keysl I left them on the ring with my car keys, and my son has the car today. Wait a minute. If I can just use Public Relations Counselors this paper clip to pick that lock. . .uhhh. . .hmmmph, . .Come 655 Madison Avenue New York City N Y on. Come on. Ahhh! There, that does it Easy as pie. Er-~so rest assured, Mr. President. At present, the document is January 14, 1966 as secure as human ingenuity can devise. Mr Kassim Hassim Respectfully Arabian Oil Company 10 Rockefeller Plaza Gen. Melvin T. Chicken New York City, N Y Chairman Mine Dear Mr. Kassim: Joint Chiefs Of Staff Now where the heck can I I am readink in da papers da odder day dat you hide this blasted thing...? pipple are lookink for a new image. Nacherly, I am disgusting this mit mine partner, Mr. Jones, and ve are comink to da conclusion dat ve are da vuns for you. Experience, ve got lots, and fine accounts, ve got planty. Ask anyvun in da business about Jones and Smith, and such tings dey'll tell you, you'll never believe. So to make a long story short already, please consider us ven you are de- cidink on a new Public Relations outfit. Ve vill be glad to come up and make a presenta­ tion.

Hey, Jonsela! Dey'll drop dead ven dey find out who Jones and Smith really are, hah, bubbala? Cordially yours,

Christopher Smith

' •"-.'Wfli«..

»assess Dear Mr. Pitt:-.

Thank you for your suggestions for improving our maga­ zine. Unfortunately, although your ideas are inter­ esting, and if Bill Gaines ever saw them, I'd be out of a job, they really are not practical for reasons too numerous to go into. Like I'm not too keen on finding myself back selling hosiery. However, we do appreciate your interest, and I thought I was doing a pretty good job until this big-mouth comes up with some really great ideas. We hope that you will continue to read MAD. I'll just burn this letter before it falls into the wrong hands.

Cordially,

Al Feldstein Aft«»> T Editorr flIter i memorize M« 26 hls suggestions/ RUNNING COMMENTARY DEPT.

TRACK & FIELWRITER: ARNIED KOGEN Will you cut it out, Otto! If I've heard your ^1 "Bus Impersonation" once—I've heard it a urn school budget! They've got ™ thousand times! enough for Football Uniforms, and for Basketball Uniforms—

40 F0TD-PLDY5

•••••^^••••••••••••••iiHHHHMMBMMMMaH . Would you believe it? ••• ••••• Well, would you He just ran the Mile in No, I wouldn't believe SIX 3 minutes, 27 seconds! believe it! minutes, 27 seconds? DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III STILL LATER ON IN THE HOSPITAL

Well, Nurse, I guess it's about time we cut away those bandages and see how Mr. Freenbean is getting on in there! SCIENCE AFFLICTION DEPT. A few issues back, we offered MAD's version of ABC-TV's weekly "Soap Opera" serial for grown-up idiots, "Passion Place." Now, we'd like to present MAD's version of CBS-TV's weekly "Space Opera" serial for juvenile idiots, which al­ ways opens with a complete recap of the previous week's "cliff-hanger" ending:

Choke... the temperature in here is up to 120 degrees! We're all going to suffocate!

LOUSED UP IN SPACE PROLOGUE This is the story of the Boobinsons, a typical American family exactly like every other American family that is fired off into space. Except that a malfunction in the Boobinson's rocket guidance system forces them to land on a strange planet. There, they are doomed to rely upon their own resourcefulness (and about as much specialized electronic equipment as is presently at the Houston Space Center) to survive the coming months—or even years—depending on how their ratings hold up. TONIGHTS EPISODE "A Canyon of Precious Stones" or "The Ruby Valley Story" Mmmm! Uh-hmm! Hmm! These figures are fantastic! Absolutely unbelievable! -Trt^fYfff'' T^N^TF*:" Did you ever see And it looks Dad,I have to go such vegetation! like it's to the bathroom! Why, that corn climbing Can you stop at is as high as an clear up to the next gas elephant's eye! the sky! station? MEANWHILE. BACK AT THE ROCKETSHIP ... ,/nh T'«T4^—|^——Pi"' Maybe we Punny, ought to Are you kidding! Do you how many take the have any idea what it's times m Robot and like out there? Massive do I look for hurtling objects crushing have to the folks. you to death without remind They've warning! The very air you ... been gone you breathe, polluted! We're not for over Danger lurking at every on an hour! corner! Why, a human life Earth! is worth nothing!

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE SPACE MOBILE ...

Wait! Look! Over Sounds We've got 1 there in the like a to get explosives area! Rock 'n' them out p It's Punny, Suet Roll of there!! 1 and the Robot! singing group! I knew it was Yes, my bomb ridiculous to But—but-but the turned out A dud?I saw trust you again! explosion! You're to be a "dud"! it go off with all still alive! 3 my own eyes!

We still You imbecile! If Wait! Look! Up Birds!? That Good Lord! They haven't And we're not going to! In our we were rich, we there! Something They reminds ARE comets! blown up greed, none of us stopped to could build a is coming at us! look me! What They're getting any realize how useless riches are whole city—and It looks like a like happened closer! They're valuable on this planet. There's no then buy every­ flock of birds! comets! to Bill heading right stones! place to spend it. What could thing in it! Haley? FOR us! They we do with wealth here? spell certain death!

'OSSSSCe, By George, How many times have I told they ARE you people not to leave crumbs ants!! on the electronic equipment!

I'm going to look at them on the Radar Scope in the Space Mobile! :-^-* .- •'•>;. EDITOR'S NOTE: For those of you viewers who cannot stand the anxiety of waiting an entire week to discover new abuses of the "anti-climax" gimmick, here is your preview of the next show's opening re-cap (and cop-out) scenes: (1) The Boobinsons will discover that the reason the seismograph is going wild is not due to any tremors, but, instead, to driving with a flat tire! (2) The Boobinsons will discover that the reason it is getting pitch black outside is that on this planet, like Earth, it always does when night comes! N| 48 1 THE HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS KIND OF MAD FOLD-IN FIREWORKS There are many Americans who think that celebrating SOME "The 4th Of July" with fireworks is a dangerous and PEOPLE needless frivolity. But on the other hand, there are WOULD some childish, super-patriotic Americans who would like to see even bigger and better firework displays so LIKE we can impress people everywhere and proclaim our TO spirit of Independence. In fact, to see the kind of SEE thing these idiots would really love, fold page in. B| FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT ^A FOLD BACK SO "A" MEETS "B'

ARTIST & WRITER: AL JAFFEE A NUMBER OF AMERICAN FAMILIES WILL ENJOY THE WARM, CLEAR FOURTH OF JULY NIGHT AHEAD WITH A DISPLAY OF BLAZING FIREWORKS TO COMMEMORATE OUR GLORIOUS PAST B*

Irv

. v

Photography by Irving Schild MAD's Great Moments In Advertising

THE DAY A GENTLEMAN FINALLY OFFERED A LADY A TIPARILLO

THE LADY IS , STARRING IN "THE MAD SHOW"