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' i." Don ^Martin •fM DROPS SSL'S - s,rs NUMBER 116 JANUARY 1968 VITAL FEATURES

DIRTIER "Parents who have a lot of kids deserve plenty of credit! In fact, they can't BY very well get along without if .'"—Alfred E. Neuman THE DOZEN WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN, editor Pg.4

JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY De FUCCIO, associate editors JACK ALBERT lawsuits GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, JOAN ZECCA, CURTIS ANDERSON subscriptions CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots CHRISTMAS CARDS TO DEPARTMENTS SEASONAL EXPLOITERS ANIMAL SINGDOM DEPARTMENT Pg.10 Songs Of Pets 38 A TURN FOR THE WORSE DEPARTMENT Late Night TV Roulette 32 BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of Friendship 22 BOUND TO APPEAR DEPARTMENT THE Best-Sellers We're Sure To See 28 LIGHTER SIDE OF BRATS MY LINE DEPARTMENT FRIENDSHIP MAD's Theatrical Agent Of The Year 15 Pg.22 BUMS AWAY DEPARTMENT "Dirtier By The Dozen"—A MAD Movie Satire 4 COPY CAT-ASTROPHE DEPARTMENT Ads We Never Got To See 42 DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT A San Francisco Trip 13 BEST One Day On The Road 41 SELLERS WE'RE SURE GERIANTICS DEPARTMENT TO SEE You Know You're Really Getting Old When 26 Pg. 28 HIP-POCKETFUL OF DREAMS DEPARTMENT A Celebrity's Wallet (Timothy Leary's) 20 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy 19 LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2 SONGS OF LUNA-SEE DEPARTMENT HOUSEHOLD The Werewolf 31 PETS MAD TAKES PLEASURE IN PRESENTING THIS DEPARTMENT Pg.38 More Announcements For Everything 36 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Dramas ** SEASON'S GRATINGS DEPARTMENT Christmas Cards To Seasonal Exploiters 10 THE THE SURLY BIRD MAKES US SQUIRM DEPARTMENT JOE The Joe Nasty Show 43 NASTY **Various Places Around The Magazine SHOW Pg.43 MAD—Jan. 1968 Vol. 1, Number 116, is published monthly except February, May, August and November, by E. C. Publications, Inc., 485 MADison Avenue, New York, N. Y. 10022. Second Class Postage paid at New York, N. Y. Subscriptions: In the U.S.A., 19 issues $5.00. Outside U.S.A., 19 issues $6.25. Allow 10 weeks for change of address to become effective. Entire contents copyright 0 1967 by E. C. Publica­ tions, Inc. The Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. LETTERS DEPT. PRES. JOHNSON ON MADISON AVE. SOMBRE I just borrowed the October issue Today, the Western movie has become (#114) from a friend, and I must tell a psychological study with bits of pom­ you that "President Johnson on Madison pous jargon hurled in between gunplays. Avenue" was the funniest thing I have It is just about the worst thing that has ever read. Keep it up and I might even ever happened to the Western film. Your buy my own copy of MAD. crusade against this trend, starting off with Denise Cooper your brilliant satire of "The Professionals" Adrian, Michigan ("The Amateurs"-MAD #112), and carried on with your recent parody of A MAD CAT'S COMMENT "President Johnson on Madison Av­ "Hombre" ("Sombre"-MAD #114), is Please accept my congratulations on the enue" was fantabulous! It was the fun­ welcome and badly needed. These two recent issues of your magazine. As a loyal niest thing I have ever read in your maga­ films were both silly in their pretentious­ reader for years, I have noted a general, zine. It was fair dinkum! ness and sporadic in their action. They albeit gradual, improvement in the humor Paul Wilbee merely pretended to be big and rough and content of MAD. Your satire, in particu­ tough while wasting most of their time on lar, has risen from a mere slapstick swipe Scarboro, Ontario needless idiotic probings of the psyche. at the mores of our society to the level of What a bore! It made me sick! I hope President deeply penetrating and bitterly stinging Dale Winogura comments. Your artists and writers are at Johnson reads it and does something their best when shivering their lances about it. Whose side are you on, Bobby , California upon the battlements of our sacred cows. Kennedy's? So's your letter!—Ed The controversy stirred among your Mike Doon readers by these articles attests to their Canaan, New York DR. SEUSS FOR ADULTS success. That some will misread and mis­ interpret is inevitable; that some will un­ I've just finished reading "President "The Cats Are All Bats-A Dr. Seuss derstand and see reflections of themselves Johnson on Madison Avenue". It is truly Book For Adults" was the funniest thing and, like cats in a sand box, hastily con­ refreshing to note that no one is too pow­ in the issue. trive to cover it over is another indication erful or important to escape MAD's sa­ Mike Grace of your success. Keep up the good work tiric clutches. Keep up the great work. Detroit, Michigan and your magazine will soon be recog­ Duane Pae'tzel It amazes me how your writers can cap­ nized as the acute commentator on the Tracy, Minnesota "American Scene" it is becoming. ture the exact rhythm, pattern, rhyme scheme, meter and style in your poetry David Grant Best We have always enjoyed reading MAD, and literature parodies as shown by the Washington, D.C. especially when you satirize the American past "If Famous Poets Had Written Then again, it might only be recognized as way of life. But when you attack the pres­ Mother Goose" and the recent "The Cats a perfect lining for cat sand boxes!—Ed. tige of the President of the United States, Are All Bats" by Dr. Seuss. In reference you are going too far. to the last article, I can imagine Bill Gaines asking , "Do you MAD ON TELEVISION IN CANADA William Swards Huntington, Mass. think he'll Seuss for this?" After screening the thousands of feet DougKalish of film we shot in your offices in New Stony Brook, N.Y. York, I can understand why no one else I haven't even finished the magazine has ever attempted to do a documentary (#114), but I just wanted to tell you that The juvenile style in juxtaposition with on MAD Magazine. However, it is be­ I enjoyed "President Johnson on Madison the adult subject matter is what made it lieved that the program may have some Avenue" immensely. Good luck in your so great! merit if presented in an anthropological new line of business, whatever it may be! Bob Vogel context. And so, the Canadian Broadcast­ Gregor Owen Indianapolis, Indiana ing Corporation has scheduled the telecast "for December 28th at 3 P.M. It is unfor­ MAD is really great, and I love it. It tunate that this coincides with the Christ­ makes me stop to think about what kind mas Holidays and that the program may of a world I live in. (I still haven't fig­ be seen by some of our younger viewers. SO HOW COME? ured it out!) But don't expect Dr. Seuss The least you could do is warn them. I have just finished reading "So How to take your suggestion and tackle the Glenn Sarty Come?" in the Oct. issue (#114). I subjects of air pollution, birth control, Executive Producer have always found MAD articles to be automation, etc. Harmless children's sub­ "Take 30" zany, kooky and enjoyable, but this article jects are so much safer. Hurrah for MAD for not always playing it safe! Thanks for CBC, Toronto, Ont. Can. was different. "So How Come?" was un­ usually true, sort of sad, and even touch­ speaking out for us! All you young Canadian MAD fans who ing. It was, as I said, a different sort of Gail L. Johnson watch TV, consider yourselves warned!—Ed. article, something I have never seen in Bristol, Wisconsin MAD before. But I found it a strange and "Take 30" Invades MAD's Offices delightful change. Vive le MAD! MISSING SOMETHING Linda Packer Highland Park, Illinois Boy, if you haven't seen my mother and father wrestling over who gets to read my copy of MAD first, you've really been If your "So How Come?" article was missing something! so great . . . and it was! ... so how come Stephanie Handler it was printed in MAD? Athens, Georgia Bill Akerlund Plainfield, New Jersey Nothing, we're sure, compared to what we'll be missing when they get a load of If MAD is such a ridiculous, stupid this letter page!—Ed. magazine, so how come it keeps making sense to me? Please address all correspondence to: Mark Evanier MAD, Dept. 116, 485 Madison Avenue Los Angeles, California New York, New York 10022 HAUNTED BY THE GHOST OF 4 •i CHRISTMAS PRESENTS?

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Coleslaw, Joseph! Punkley, Vernon! Psycho, Victor! My name: Jose Jimenez! I am the Avenging Angel, and I I'm Samuel Crime: Murder! Crime: Rape and Crime: Robbery and My Crime: Theenking I carry out the Lord's punishment Pansy, and Sentence: Death Murder! Sentence: Murder! Sentence: can act! My Sentence: upon those who would defile I'm getting by hanging . . . Death by hanging! Death by hanging! Getting written out the Earth with their wickedness nauseous of thees peecture as —by cutting them up in teensy- listening soon as posseeblay! weensy little pieces and— to this nut! 'mmiK'~—~m No, Not them, Roughman! I'm talking about It has to do with your next thanks! men that are even worse! Inmates of assignment, Major! But first, I've this Army Prison! All right, you slobs! I want you to meet some of already Fall in and sound off with your names, the worst degenerates and met your crimes and your sentences— sick psychopaths this man's your Army has ever seen... staff!

The DozeARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER : LOU SI LVERSTONnE Okay, I've had Major Roughman, you are ordered by Allied Command to take enough of this these twelve prisoners—these undisciplined psychotic murderers, nonsense, Gen. rapists and guitar players—cram six months of intensive training Wargum! Now what | into them in less than six weeks, and then parachute them behind about my next enemy lines where they will destroy the rest home of the German assignment? General Staff, killing all its occupants.

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THAT, General Wargum, is the —that I wouldn't happily most preposterous idea I have All right! Get leap at the chance to ever heard! Nobody in his that Hangman's * volunteer for this exciting right mind will ever believe- Rope ready! assignment! Hi, guys! I've got Man, like No one said Let me warn you, it's I hope a deal for you! The we know you HAD to not gonna be any joy I can Army will allow you the rules! go! This is ride! Your chances for make it to postpone your death Condemned strictly survival are one in a through sentences and long prisoners voluntary. million .. .and that's this prison terms if you'll don't have for just getting through '*, Orientation volunteer to go on to go on no the training program! Lecture! a suicide mission! missions!

Hah! You punks are supposed to be tough killers!? Gee, the Army —and see Well, you're just amateurs! I'm going to teach you ain't so bad if you the proper way to kill—and when I'm done, you'll after all! I'm can put know how to cut a man's throat or crush his skull gonna learn a the whole quickly, silently and efficiently! trade! mess back together again! i_r Punkley . . . ? Psycho . . . ?'—' Jimenez Men, my name is Capt. -T~L What's the Well, Capt. The men are just Ralph Shrinker. I'm matter with Shrinker? fine, Major! the Army Psychiatrist. It looks It looks like Eet look like a you guys?! You've made Perfectly normal! I'm going to show you like a wild two Mafia guys lovely senorita You're all some tests! But that M.P. an ink blot and I want boar rooting taking some strangling her sick! It's How do they | Sergeant—Jerkle?! each of you to tell me up some fat squealer for a caballero weeth a butterfly shape up... He's in desperate what it reminds you of! h dame's guts! last ride! a guitar string! on a flower! emotionally? need of help! And a few acting lessons wouldn't hurt him none, either!

We've The MP's have We don't Okay, DON'T wash THE Hey, guys! "The Dirty I thought hot water! We care if got and DON'T shave DIRTY We got a Dozen Rotten belonging trouble ain't shavin' we smell and SMELL like name! We Eggs"! Gee, to the Cosa out or washin' like rotten eggs! And DOZEN got my folks'll Nostra was here, until we have rotten that's what we'll ROTTEN identity! be so proud great, but Major! hot water, too! eggs! call you slobs— EGGS! of me! this... Okay, men! This is it! The Are you kidding, Hey, Maggotty We're over Okay, you Dirty Dozen mission I've trained you for Major? After last You're the the target, Rotten Eggs! Here we all these weeks! I only hope night, we'd jump "religious "Now I Major! Get go! On the way down, I you don't chicken out when into enemy territory fanatic"! Say lay me ready to want you to repeat the it comes to jumping into enemy WITHOUT our a few words down to jump... plan for the last time! Iterritor y with your parachutes! parachutes for before we jump! sleep—" Take a good >ahl f^pp hnw '— i „*' look inside, guys! There are your murderous 9 Nazi beasts!

At ease, Congratulations! 'Due to the outstanding success of 'The Dirty Dozen Rotten Eggs' "Therefore, you, Major! You did a great in completing their mission, destroying their objective, and Major Roughman, job! As soon as wiping out hundreds of enemy soldiers and civilians, the War will lead a company I'm not at you're well I've Department has decided to use only condemned murderers and of 144 men known as attention, got a really big criminally insane troops in all future combat missions, thereby "The Dirty Gross of General! I'm assignment for freeing normal, healthy soldiers for the really important jobs Rotten Eggs" on a just taped you! Here are that are so essential to modern warfare ... like typing out orders mission of great together your orders! I'll fy in triplicate, cleaning latrines, doing K.P., policing areas, etc. importance . . ." this way! read them . SEASON'S GRATINGS PEPT. Every year, people send Christmas cards to friends, acquaintances and loved ones. Well, we at MAD say this is wrong! Cards should really be sent to the folks who make Christmas the distinctive holiday it is MAD'S CHBISTMAS CARDS WRITER:

To The Cigarette Industry To My Apartment House Superintendent

YOUP L^hpistmas captons ape adopncd With mistletoe ana holly, Ana nappy taces all aqlow, Today you fixed my bathroom pipes Ana oantas wnoare jolly; (They burst last May, you know); You then replaced the window but though goup wpappings mag be bpiqnt That fell out 10 weeks ago; With sleiqhsand snow and staps thepe, You help me with my packages; It s just a L-hpistmas covep-up You greet me on the street; I'm glad that there's a Christmas time, I OP all those killing taps thepe! Or else we'd never meet!

To Our Garbagemen

A hail of dirty coffee-grounds Extends from our back door; Our lawn is stiewn with chicken-bones And egg-shells by the score;

To make your noisy haul; It's just your way of telling us Your Christmas tip's too small! 10 —namely the workmen, companies and industries that exploit us! It is these profit-hungry groups who deserve our most heart-felt sentiments. So why not give them what they deserve . . . from this selection of .. . TO SEASONAL EXPLOITERS

To The Lipor Industry

You gift-pack hooch in strange, new shapes But though your bottles change each year To sell more booze and brandy; With shapes you are contriving. That fifth looks like the Eiffel Tower; There's one shape that you'll never change- That quart like Mrs. Candhi; The shape we're in when driving!

To Our To The Publishers Savings Of "Gift Books" Bank Christmas Clubs

You make us save our cash each week Your "Treasury of Lapland Songs' Through Summer, Spring and Fall; Is priced at 20 bucks; But when it comes to in-ter-est, For $16.50 folks can own You pay out none at all. "The Golden Age of Trucks".

We wonder if your Christmas Clubs Though idiots may buy these books, Are what they're said to be— The smarter ones will wait Or are they just a sneaky plan Till after Christmas when they're marked To use our dough for free? A dollar ninety-eight! 11 TO THE KIDS' To Our Magazine Publishers SHOWS ON TV

The Christmas Esquire weighs a ton! The Post is just tremendous! Both Life and Look are double-sized, And Playboy is stupendous!

We read them all in half an hour, While Dad is working 9 to 5 But that's not too surprising— And slaving through the day, Of all those countless pages there, You guys are working on his kid Nine-tenths are advertising! To grab Dad's hard-earned pay. W>l„-L- The kid is flunking out at school; He's dumb as a baboon; Yet he remembers every toy You plug each afternoon! To Charity Organizations

To Our Electric Companies We mail you checks at Christmas time A brand-new range, a Frigidaire, Tor dogs who've lost their collars, A washer or a dryer— Your ads this year are full of things Jor teeny-boppers on relief, To tempt the Christmas buyer; lor homeless Xansas scholars,

We'd buy these new appliances We give to all your charities, Except for one deterrent— We never raise a fuss. The seven hundred bucks a year And now that you have bled us dry, You'd charge us for the current! Please set up one for us! 12 PON MARTIN DEPT. PART I

BRATS MY LINE DEPT. Hi, Show-Biz-MAD fans! It's "Hypothetical Interview" time again. I'm a hypothetical Steve Allen here in the offices of the William Morris

OARTISTF: BRUC THE STARK EWRITER YEA: LOU SI LVERSTONRE I can dance, too! Look at that Hey, kid! You're I've had the lead in 50 I can do anything boy go! He's scratching the Summer Stock shows! Astaireand Kelly another Sammy formica! Will you Richard Burton told me can do! See... ? Davis, Jr.! please leave!?! I was a better "Hamlet" than he was ...

The boy 1 Talented people Look at this body! Awful, had are a dime a isn't it? My secretary TALENT, 1 dozen, Steve! has a better figure! And Bullets! 1 Names! Famous c why is this skinny broad Why • Names! Sons of in Playboy and not my didn't 1 b,ig guns! That's secretary? Because my you sign 1 1 where the money secretary's last name him up? [ » is today! isn't FONDA!

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ilr But, Duke! There's a WAR going on, Bullets! I I'll get Excuse me, Steve! It's Gail Martin! I knew "The Rounders' want Pat in uniform, like I was! I right on i l I you'd be it, Duke is a didn't win all these medals in any Gail, sweetheart! I was just talking happy! WESTERN | Comedy Series! You tell the Network about you! No, I'm still working on a Say Comedy Series! Brass to get him in a WAR Series, format for a TV Series! But I lined up "Hello" I thought or they'll have to answer to me! I another guest shot for you! Your Dad's to Dean you'd like didn't raise my son to be no Gail, show! I know! But this time he's going LJ for me! that! comedian . . . right, Pat? Baby! to bill you as a "Special Guest Star"! Bye! Really? What kind of sandwich? I warned you this was a Miss Mario, I'm getting pretty 1 1.1 - Mario Pussycat! discouraged, Mr. Ashley! tough business, Sweetie-Beauty! Peanut butter and jelly on I Thomas You look so I've been in this business Remember, it took Judy Garland's a bagel! A winner, if I to sad! What's for almost a whole year and daughter OVER a year before ever heard one! So go, now, see bugging Danny all I have to show for it she got a lead in a Broadway and leave everything to me! you, Thomas's is the lead in the London Show! But you're on your way! Mr. favorite production of "Barefoot I just heard today that Max's Ashley! actress?! in the Park" and my Stage Delicatessen named a own TV show! sandwich after you!

And another thing! I And I don't want Jerry, did you I never interfere in Shhh, bubbalah! don't like this studio! he should wear ever expect my kid's career, Steve! What have Don't strain the The acoustics are I'll glasses! It would your son to But blood being thicker you got to throat! And bad and the lights have spoil his typical follow in your than Manischewitz wine, say about listen, you "Play­ are hurting my them boy-next-door footsteps and the kid naturally that, Gary? boys"! I don't Sonny's eyes . . . fixed! image! become a inherited an enormous want you should performer? amount of talent! play loud and drown out my son, the singer! Let's go, Steve! No act! Ed offered them a Peter Fonda and That's a strange measly ten grand apiece! Nancy Sinatra pairing! What For that kind of chicken are on next . . . kind of act do feed, he only gets to they do? plug their latest movie!

Tgg Sheep, like, Man! I dig you! Wasn't that great, folks? Bullets, isn't the Look at it this way, This stomping bit C'mon! Let's We'll beat Those are two of the nicest public being Steve. If a man owns is the greatest! cut out and 'em with kids I've ever met. Be sure cheated by having a factory, he takes Almost as much fun put the burn chains! Yeah and buy Nancy's latest hit to watch these his kid into the firm, as smoking pot! on some Fuzz! yeah, yeah! record, "These Boots Are kids with nothing right? So what's so Gonna Mash In Your Head"! to offer but their different about And now, for our really parents' names? Show Biz? big finale . . . JOKE & DAGGER DEPT. HIP-POCKETFUL OF DREAMS DEPT. HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER "MAD" VERSION OF THE CONTENTS OF. A CELEBRITY'S

ARNIE KOGEN WALLET £0.

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amount 01 m ^^ & policy i BREAKFAST DINNER Chilled Morning LSD Cocktail Glory Seed Juice Sacred Mushroom Soup Marijuana Marinara Heroin Hot Cakes n to&e LSD Omelette Choice of: mind? lanonflyi 6 A Morphine Toast "Pot" Roast Tea "Pot" Pie or LUNCH "Pot" Cheese Airplane Glue Soup Peyote Popovers Hashish Salad Tea (4) »«,aMUt 9"* „ I remain LSD Burger French Fried Hemp Poppy Seed Pudding Tea

HARMS MUSIC PUBLISHING, INC. Brill Building, New York City League fop spiRituaL discoveRy

Dear Mr. Leary: MEMO TO* Dr. Timothy Leary In answer to your recent inquiry, FROM: Carmine Flippo, Student the phrase you are referring to is Last night, I took my first "LSD trip". from a Cole Porter song, copyright 1935, entitled "Just One Of Those You promised me that I would experience Things". breathtaking beauty, divine energy, a As far as we can determine, Mr. spiritual awakening, a sensual unfolding Porter had no actual basis in scien­ tific fact for using the phrase, and incredible ecstasy. Instead, all I and it is NOT possible to take "a got was like this tremendous pain in my trip to the moon on gossamer wings"I head. Should I take an aspirin? Q-G, >£ Thank you for your interest. fy# k afoot ,(SmiiteJ$ sttC Son'i far mctlij Ma&ntl Very truly yours, Hotter HfhtwftimteUrmhi IfUte%*@//+ Norman Blagman Research Dept. BERGS EYE-VIEW DEPT. THE LIGHTER

If you let me ride Oh, that's Not any more, I'm not! your bike, I'll be okay! You're my You don't have a bike your best friend! best friend, I can ride! aren't you?

You two charming boys must meet! I'm going to leave you two Er—uh—ah . . . I just know you're going to adore brilliant conversationalists Tell me, what each other and develop an instant alone now so you can discuss do you think of and lasting friendship because some vital and exciting topic, our hostess? you both have the same tastes! and become better acquainted! Sweet Marvin Glusk, I want you to See you later! Toodle-ooo! meet darling George Moogle . . .

What I just told you Of course! You can What did he tell you? was in the strictest count on me! Now Huh? What? What did confidence! As a true that you've talked he say? What ... ? friend, I know you'll it out, I'm sure keep it to yourself! you'll feel better! ENDSHIWRITER & ARTIST: DAVIPD BERG That's my friend, She sure is Well, when we walk down the And they're always Big deal! Judy! She's the attractive! street together, all the trying to date her What good best friend a But what do fellas whistle at her and try and make out with does that girl could have! you see-in her? to strike up conversations her and everything! do you? with her and everything!

Harold, since you're my oldest So- Sidney, my old friend, William Well, thanks for Don't mention and dearest friend, I've come can Shakespeare once said, "Neither listening to my it! What's a you to you. I've got a payment due a borrower, nor a lender be." troubles, anyway! friend for? on the car, Selma wants to re- lend upholster the couch, my daughter me If I lent you money, it would v needs braces, and I'm strapped! $500? surely break up our friendship! v So why don't we leave things as they are!?

THIS IS RIDICULOUS! HOW CAN THAT'S Frankly , . . because I was so busy YOU BE SO MEAN!? HERE, YOU RIGHT! thinking about my own trouble, I HAVE A JUICY PIECE OF GOSSIP I CAN'T didn't hear a word he said! AND YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL YOUR TELL OWN WIFE WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!? YOU! \ Where the devil is Al ... or Nick ... or John ... or Lenny . . . -j or Jerry ... or Bill ... or Clyde ... or Irving ... or Stinky? r :—&

. . . and speaking of What a phony You deliberately Okay! Hey, did you see that He's also on a first- celebrities, Frank name-dropper threw that into the DON'T guy I was just talking name basis with Frank Sinatra is a personal you are! How conversation to give believe to? That was Stanley Sinatra! Just the friend of mine! Just would a slob yourself status and Schnooker! He's a very other day, I sa id to me! good friend of mine! the other day, I said to like you know build yourself up by him—"Stanley him—"Frankie . . ." any one as big making me think you as Frank Sinatra!? have important friends!

Do you know that at this very moment, That I'll never forget or forgive Er—dear, it's that Oh, don't I!? that so-called best friend of mine, IS her for this as long as I live! crummy, unmention­ Just let me Barbra Freeman, is having a party? pretty That friendship is over and done able ex-friend of have that! I've And she didn't invite us!? After all crummy with! I don't want to hear her yours on the phone! got a few choice I've done for her! Every party I ever of name or speak to her again! I take it you don't :ij words I've been threw, she was the first one invited! her! want to talk to her! saving for her!

Charlie, baby, you're Gee, For one thing, For another thing, when Gee, But what I really Gee, a real good golf thanks, when I'm driving I'm careless and forget thanks, love about you the thanks buddy! I like playing Fred! or putting, you to replace divots, you Fred! most is—you're a lot, with you! always keep quiet! I always do it for me! I one of the few guys Fred! like that about you! like that about you too! I can beat! So long, Chuck! Did you have to say that— What kind of taste do you have, anyway? So long, Edna! about getting together I'd like to know what other ridiculous Let's get together again!? I can't stand your choices you've made! What other idiot again real soon! friend, Chuck, and his friends do you have? What disgusting characters did you associate with? What empty-headed wife! I don't terrible types of girls did you date? care if he IS your oldest And what kind of— friend! I don't ever want to see them again! GERIANTICS PEPT. You Know You're REALLY ARTIST: , JR.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY GETTING OLD WHEN . . . GETTING OLD WHEN . . . GETTING OLD WHEN . . .

... you can finally afford all of the things you've always wanted ... but your doctor won't let you have them.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY GETTING OLD WHEN . . .

26 GETTING OLD When• •• WRITERS: PHIL HAHN & JACK HANRAHAN

YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY GETTING OLD WHEN . . . GETTING OLD WHEN . . .

... you burn your Draft Card— . . . your "Junk Mail" stops including invitations to join the Playboy Club and nobody cares! and starts running more and more to ads for retirement lots in Florida.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY GETTING OLD WHEN . . . GETTING OLD WHEN . . . GETTING OLD WHEN . . .

... you become more convinced each day that gray hair looks distinguished. ... you watch the "Miss America Pageant" to hear Bert Parks sing.

... the only whistles you hear are on tea kettles.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY GETTING OLD WHEN . . .

'j^£*S^frfoJL YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY GETTING OLD WHEN . . .

. .. you go to buy a new outfit, and the clerk doesn't ... you wear stockings for support and sweaters show you anything that isn't gray or dark brown. for warmth. THE INTIMATE BOOK ON J.F.K. TO MY THREE END ALL INTIMATE BOOKS ON J.F.K.

which is why I will never forget that fateful day in 1961. YEARS WITH I was collecting the afternoon load of White House garbage and dumping it into my truck like always, when my associate, Angie Bodini, saw that I looked troubled. PRESIDENT Knowing that the President always confided in me in subtle ways, Angie put down his can and moved close. "What's wrong, Turk?" he whispered. I glanced around to make sure that no one was KENNEDY eavesdropping. "You see those two half-eaten hard- boiled eggs?" I said, pushing back a crumpled copy of by the New York Times. Turk Griswold "Yeah," he nodded. "I didn't notice them before." "You see that bread-and-jelly sandwich, hardly touched?" I continued. He nodded again. "See that tremendous load of coffee grounds?" I went on. "It means only one thing!" Angie grabbed my muscular shoulders. He was very emotional. "Give it to me straight!", he cried. "What does it mean?" "What else?", I said fatalistically. "He's going ahead with that Bay of Pigs thing!" "Oh, my God!", Angie hissed. "But why is he tel­ ling you all this, Turk?" "Angie," I sighed deeply. "If a President can't con­ fide in his own Garbage Man, who can he confide in?" I went back to work, knowing that somehow I would have to pass the information on ... first to Jackie, and then to Secretary of State Dean Rusk. Ir would be a -89- BOUND TO APPEAR DEPT. According to recent reports, Americans spend almost $3 billion a year on books. With this in mind, and after considerable research, MAD has come up with its own additional statistics. Of this $3 billion, only $167 is BEST-SELLERS" W ARTIST:

THE SEX NOVEL TO SEVEN THOUSAND END ALL SEX NOVELS DIRTY HOURS a deep breath, Lance braced himself and Another Lascivious Novel By opened the door to the bedroom. HAROLD ROBBINS The huge bed was there, just as he'd left it that morning. Except that now, waiting for him in it were: flaming-eyed Sheilah Rogers with heavy-breathing Nancy Norris and hot- lipped Salley Barnes and deep-sighing Carol Blauvelt and itchy-ankled Rosa Vernetti and throbbing-kneed Olga Svensen and quivering- fingered Lotus Soong and twitchy-nosed Marie Roualt and sweaty-palmed Anna Vosnieskinov and lissome Nanooka Yooker and slithery Car- mela Ranola and intense Nejla Kassim and mar­ riage-hungry Renee Fink and sloppy Sophie Blunge and TV Repairman Eddie Burke and the starting lineup of the Green Bay Packers and a dachshund named Irving and four Siamese cats with crossed-eyes and a squashed grass­ hopper and two turtle doves and a partridge _2- THE SPY THE ABSOLUTELY LATEST WITH THE IAN FLEMING NOVEL A SPECIAL INTRODUCTION BY GOLDEN THE PUBLISHER

BELLY Despite the sudden and untimely death of author Ian Fleming not too long ago, many publishers are still BUTTON managing to discover Fleming manuscripts that have never before seen print. Playboy Magazine alone has printed several James Bond stories since their author

ANEW dlCWell, with this book, we of the Rancid House Pub­ James Bond lishing Company are going to prove that we are the best "New-Fleming-Story-Finders" of them all. We have a Thriller doctor, a clergyman and a mortician who will swear that the last two words of this book were typed by Fleming >>Y Ian Fleming with a reflex finger-action just one second before he died and exactly four hours and two minutes before rigor

"Tet'thet is no doubt about it! THIS is absolutely the last and final James Bond book written by Ian Flem­ V ing before his death! There cannot be any others. And now, before you read and enjoy it, I would like 0 to tell you about the next James Bond book we will soon be publishing. This one was written by Ian Fleming after his death! . T "*"v. You see, while I was attending a seance recently, 1 happened to receive an emanation from the ectoplasm

spent on good books! The rest? Well, let's put it this way: if you think TV and the Movies follow nauseating trends, you haven't been following the trends in "Best-Sellers" these days. F'rinstance, here are a few . . . E'RE SURE TO SEE WRITER:

THE MOST HILARIOUS COMPILATION OF HUMOROUS "LETTERS TO" YET

encyclopedias? You Z* Z *° <° ** US Y We alw s "sed to chase away Wen hV Vf ^ t0 the house. Isn't that a scTfm^f" T'"* doesn't try to sell mf V« . ** * WOrry- He

here ten times in the J'i fact',hes been

what he told yte&iTZnZ tTA •» job in Ch le „ he? .» JUSt got a nw **t tunny?An a dJcZ^T* ,°" Friday' Isl>'' I laughed and 2 f K / saies">an in Chile? the laughed. (The k?ds t?mf' V* ""»• «• They say ££* J£ %£* *• amusing. way you used to. Isn't that «°™ ** h°USe *• *-?£££iszz ttr'n vver this tre ch or wh ever it is you live in R,V f " «- 8 29 -PunehL/^thl^^^X-41- THE MOST DETAILED ATTACK YET 75,000 THINGS ON THE WARREN COMMISSION REPORT WRONG WITH THE and what's more, the page is numbered incorrectly. (28.243) Pages 197 and 198 were joined together in my edition and had to be cut apart by hand. WARREN REPORT (28.244) There was a smudge on the title page. (28.245) The book doesn't stand up well on a shelf.

(28.246) The pages flop over when you open the book, unless you hold them down.

(28.247) The binding is weak. (28.248) The pages don't taste good when you lick your fingers to turn them. (28.249) The book was not dedicated to anyone.

(28.250) The type was hard to read. (28.251) The writing lacked dramatic style.

(28.252) There was no comedy relief. (28.253) My theory that the actual assassin was John Wilkes Booth was never explored or even acknowledged, leaving a serious doubt as to the integrity of the Commis- -185-

THE ULTIMATE SPORTS FIGURE ME, AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF OUR TIME EIGHT WHEELS. and as I skated on that night, a funny voice within me kept saying, "Give up, Toughie! You'll never make it! You'll never score that tie-breaking winning point!" AND GOD Everything seemed to be going against me, all right. I was being chased by five burly 300-pounders, not to mention two or three men skaters. And to make matters worse, I suddenly discovered that my equipment had been sabotaged. I was skating on "learners", and I had no skate key, and my right front wheel was boxed. In Roller Derby competition—the most magnificent and most meaningful sport yet devised by Man—this was the "Moment of Truth". I was about to quit, when I heard another voice, the voice of Roller Derby fan, Barry Yeager, from his hospital bed. "Win one . . . cough . . . cough . . . for ME tonight, Toughie!" it said, hoarsely. I gritted my teeth and skated on. "I gotta do it for him!" I whispered. "This one's for you, Barry... there in the Bellevue Alcoholic Ward. Just for you ..." ) Well, the rest is Roller Derby history. I scored and we i. And as I stood before *h» •»*~

THE FANTASTIC AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF ROLLER ^isjuKiyn Ked Devil, folks!" DERBY IMMORTAL MIDGE "TOUGHIE" BRASHUN A mighty roar went up from the eight throats in the audience, and the applause was deafening as I was lifted as told to DICK LYNCH -72-

30 LUNA-SEE DEPT. A TURN FOR THE WORSE PEPT. Late Night Television viewers and insomniacs often spend their evenings switching back and forth, mainly, their electric blankets, from "Warm" to vvMedium-Hot". But in addition, they often have a problem deciding which Late Night TV Show to watch. They're usually torn between the "Tonight LATE NIGHT

From New York... It's the 'COCHISE, SON OF POTCHISE" . . . It's Cochise . . . leading his war "TONIGHT SHOW"...with tonight's feature on "THE LATE party of savages and shrieking guest stars: Buddy Hackett, MILLION DOLLAR MOVIE GREAT" . . . • his horrible war cry . . . The Supremes, and Professor Irwin Corey! I'm Ed McMahon! And now, here's the star of our show... Show", the "Late Movies" and the "Evening News". Here, then, is what happens in millions of homes as parents wait up for their teen-age kids to come back from dates... and they play America's Number-One Insomniac Game, as they switch from TV Channel to TV Channel. We call this madness...

. .. the "Pink Pussycat" in Hollywood! Ed had a few drinks ere last night, and the next ng we knew, he was seen . . . There's only one man in the West who can save us! It's that fearless, gun-slingin', guitar-strummin' masked man— . . . Buddy Hackett! Buddy has just returned from three hilarious weeks . . .

.. .tomorrow night's guests ... Georgie Jessel, Milt Kamen, Killer Joe Piro and his Dancers, Morty Gunty, Xavier Cugat ... and the glamorous and exciting... MAD TAKES PLEASURE IN PRESENTING THIS DEPT. A few issues back, we ran an article, titled "Announcements For Everything." Shortly thereafter, Mr. Byron Q. Bixby, of East Spectrum, Oklahoma, wrote in, saying that the article was the "worst MOfiS

REGRETFVUV AW HUSBAND

Goming-Out Party Following Brief 30-Day Rap To Be Held In Front Of The Federal House Of Detention 427 West Street R.S.V.P.

Freddy Sandler Wishes To Thank His Classmates At Frisbee High School Mrs. Selma Rappaport For Their Letter Is Anxious To Announce In Minute Detail Of Sympathy And Condolence The Lurid Events Leading Up To Following the Untimely Death And The Fat Settlement Resulting From Of His Her Recent Divorce From 1937 Nash Arnold Rappaport At Reno, Nevada On Tuesday, The Twenty-Eighth Of March The Remains May Be Viewed At Nineteen Hundred And Sixty-Seven Irv's Junk Yard

36 junk" ever to appear in MAD Magazine. Naturally, we do not agree with Mr. Bixby. The truth of the matter is, the "worst junk" ever to appear in MAD Magazine is the following article, namely . . . FX)]R EVERYTHING WRITER: FRANK JACOBS

Miss fifi LaVoom ,s Ecstatic To Announce The Acquisition Of A Diamond Brooch Following A Week-EncHn M,am, With Mr. Monroe M.shk.n Jakes r, shf*an Of Mishkin Industries KSBSSS=

E Company Fourth Battalion Second Infantry Regiment United States Army Requests The Pleasure Of Your Company At Its Ninth Weekly Latrine Inspection On The Morning Of Sunday The Twenty-Fifth Of December Nineteen Hundred And Sixty-Six Fort Dix, New Jersey

,, A-,, ANIMAL SINGDOM DEPT. A couple of issues back, MAD published a collection of Food Songs. In the article, we said that food is the most important thing in our lives. Well, we were wrong—at least for some people. It seems there is another area in our lives that takes up even more of our time than food. Mainly, the feeding, training, walking and all-around absurdity of pets. Let us, then, give these creatures of fur, fins and feathers the tribute they deserve as we present this assortment of SONG THE PET-OWNERS CHORUS THE DOG-FEEDER'S DIRGE (Sung to the tune of "The lets' Song") (Sung to the tune of "The Cirl That I Marry")

When you've a pet, You've a burden for life Who will cost you more dough Than a gluttonous wife!

When you've a pet, You are forced to ignore That your living-room looks The Dane that I'm feeding, Like the Second World War! I hate to say, Is costing me 17 bucks a day! He eats a daily meal Of T-bones and lamb-chops and shoulders of veal! The parrot that yells! The St. Bernard that paws you! And when he is finished, he has a bowl The hamster that smells! Of porterhouse steak and filet of sole! The Siamese Cat that claws you! His great yearning, The Mouse that gnaws you! I am learning, Swallows up every penny I'm earning! The Dane that I'm feeding When you've a pet, Is constantly bleeding You've a friend to the core Me dry! Who will wake you at dawn When you've dropped off at 4! When you've a pet, You're sunk, you bet! THE AQUARIUM ANTHEM (Sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things") When you've a pet You will spend all your days With your hand on the button Of Aerosol sprays!

When you've a pet You can bet on the line He'll turn vicious and mean When your boss comes to din Black, shiny Mollies and bright-colored Guppies— Shy little Angels as gentle as puppies- Swimming and diving with scarcely a "swish"— at and your vest They were just some of my tropical fish!— Are chewed to little bits there! g has been "blessed" Then I bought Mantas that sting in the water- With something that justs sits there! Deadly Piranhas that itch for a slaughter- You're having fits there! Savage male Bettas that bite with a "squish!"— Now I have many less tropical fish!

When you've a pet If you think that Your contentment is through! Fish are peaceful, You've no life of your own That's an empty wish! And your home is a zoo! Just dump them together and leave them alone, It's a big ... smelly ... And soon you will have noisy ... messy ... zoo! No fish!

38 S ARTISTO: GEORGEF WOODBRIDG E PETWRITER: FRANK JACOBS S MELODY FOR A MYNAH SERENADE TO A WATCHDOG (Sung to the tune of "Dinah") (Sung to the tune of "Strangers In The Night")

Watchdog in the night— I never chained you! Watchdog in the night— I always trained you To protect my house Until the night was through! Mynah! There's no bird that talks finah From Connecticut to China! Other creatures are never "T. Clever as she! Mynah! She's so smart I can't bear it- Smarter even than a parrot Then those burglars came— When she's imitating me! You didn't mind it! They were after loot— But when I've company, You helped them find it! My Mynah Diamond rings and furs Shouts with glee You quickly led them to! Some crude obscenity That she picked up from me!

Mynah! Better shut your face, Mynah! Or I'll feed you turpentine-ah And I'll get a chimpanzee! Watchdog in the night— A stupid beagle you were! Watchdog in the night— But later on when I— SONG FOR A SHEEPDOG Returned to my poor home- (Sung to the tune ol "White Christmas") How your jaws did foam! You became a snapping dog— ^^CSfe^ A crazy, fearless yapping dog!

^*m

Whenever I'm in sight, It's so upsetting! I'm screaming at a white sheepdog Every time you bite, Each time he sits upon my chair! It's me you're getting! It's a thing I'm dreading— Now you're full of fight— The way he's shedding My watchdog in the night! And coats everything with hair! I'm screaming at a white sheepdog! If he should visit you some night- May his bark be worse than his blight— And may all your furniture be white!

39 A CAROL FOR CATS HYMN TO A TURTLE (Sung to the tune oi "My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean") (Sung to the tune oi "I've Crown Accustomed To Her Face")

A porpoise will flap with his flippers! A monkey's both clever and shrewd! A basset will bring you your slippers! A cat only comes when there's food!

YecchiCats! YecchiCats! Don't try to give one to me—to me! YecchiCats! YecchiCats! Don't try to give one to me!

I've grown accustomed to your pace! You're like a streak of blazing light! I've grown accustomed to the blast Of wind when you run past! And when you zoom From room to room, You're like a burst of energy— A comet racing through the night! You're just a wild and crazy creature A chimp makes ridiculous faces! who is uncontrolled and free! A skunk has a noteworthy air! No wonder I get dizzy when I see A snake will return your embraces! you passing me! A cat only claws up a chair! I've grown accustomed to the rush- Accustomed to the speed- YecchiCats! Accustomed to your pace! YecchiCats! Don't try to give one to me—to me! YecchiCats! YecchiCats! Don't try to give one to me! BALLAD FOR A POODLE (Sung to the tune oi "On The Street Where You Live") A parrot can speak in Italian! A goldfish is gorgeous to see! A colt will become a proud stallion! A cat just gets caught in a tree!

YecchiCats! YecchiCats! Don't try to give one to me—to me! YecchiCats! YecchiCats! Don't try to give one to me! I have often walked my Pierre outside! But I never liked him in the dirty air outside! -Now he sits upon His own private John That I built for the dog that I love!

See the king-size bed that I made for him! See those powder-blue pajamas I crocheted for him! And should he feel ill Here's a Contac pill That I give to the dog that I love! A spaniel can swim in the ocean! A turtle's content on a shelf! Yet, Oh! He sometimes annoys me! A hound-dog will give you devotion I When he does, I'm firm as can be! A cat only thinks of herself! But, Oh! It nearly destroys me To have to tell him he can't watch his own TV! YecchiCats! YecchiCats! I bake chocolate cakes with a glaze for him! Don't try to give one to me—to me! And if he should lose his hair, I'll get toupees for him! YecchiCats! And should I drop dead, YecchiCats! When my will is read- Don't try to give one to me! All will go to the dog that I love! DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II COPY CAT-ASTROPHE DEPT. We've always heard about the big turnover in Advertising Agency Personnel... and judging by the asinine ad campaigns these jokers turn out each year, we ADS WE NEVE M : mrAm Color so Natural, we Guarantee it in Black and White Tire Savings Galore at_

SUPER STAINLESS STEEL BLADES

See toutMmtom Dealer Today! 42 thought we knew why. Until we scrounged around in a few Ad Agency wastepa- per baskets. You'll see what we mean as MAD proudly presents some layouts for

R GOT ARTISTT: BOOB CLARKE SEWRITER: DICK DE EBARTOLO

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m Aver/cm fi*i* ^^ Westinghouse... (%j$\ ^^^^_ 1968 Will be another as/we /jnyress is our V«»y mast important product/ SMASH=UP YEAR A I *as way out front in my for Mustang\ r'TT^nfornt bra THE SURLY BIRD MAKES US SQUIRM DEPT. Remember when it was important to be sweet and likeable in order to make it "big" on Radio or TV? Remember when warm, sunny people like Perry Como, Arthur Godfrey and Ralph Edwards ruled the airways? Well, forget it! The big Radio and TV gimmick now is "Rottenness"! Today, the masochistic public can't seem to get enough of Alan Burke, Joe Pyne, and who knows how many hundreds of other rude, outspoken local personalities around the country who conduct interview and telephone shows. Well, make way now for the rudest and rottenest Television personality of them all, as MAD switches on: THE JDE NASTY SHDW ARTIST: WRITER : LARRY SIEGEL

Welcome to "The Joe Nasty Show" ... the program j=j Heeeeeeeeeeeeer's Joe! with a star who dishes out fun and entertainment in his own inimitable style! And now . . .

All right, about our guest lineup tonight. Look, I A funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio Okay, Now listen, and listen good because I'm not thought I tonight. I ran over a horse with my car. I won't say so repeating myself. Elizabeth Taylor, Richard told you my hotel room is small, but it looks like a garbage " much Burton, The Beatles, Liberace, Sammy Davis people to dump. I won't say the weather in New York is bad, but for the Jr., Frank Sinatra, The Seven Santini Bros., shaaaadup! yesterday 412 people died of frostbite. jokes! and Bobby Kennedy . . . they will not be on! Oh, they begged me, but I said no dice! And you know why I turned them down? Because I know you people out there want them! And if you think you're going to have pleasure at my expense, forget it, Charlie! Look, you slobs, this is my last warning! Hello, Joe. We're going to have a wonderful show tonight. As You're SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADUP! Stop that | your Announcer, who has been with you throughout your whole fired! stupid applause or I'll clear the studio! show business career, and as your closest personal friend, who once saved your life in a mine field during World War II I can't tell you how happy I am to be . . .

m& I Well, if that's the way J Okay, Joe, telephone Hello! Who? Listen to me and I you feel, I'm happy time. Time to discuss listen good, you stupid broad! some of the important I hate you and everything you I mean it, creep! to leave! I've tried to Why issues of the day with stand for, and if you ever call Get lost! And take get along with you all didn't these years, but you the people at home. Oh, me again, I'll ram your phone that obnoxious you have no idea how there's the phone now! down your throat! reject from the miserable it's been say so? Musicians Union working for some­ In that who calls himself one who hates me! case, a Band-Leader you're with you! re-hired!

Who My wife! Now Before our next call, Joe, What Joe, please! It's one of our I'd rather smell bad was bring on the I've got a message from the is sponsors! He's paying breath than this that? strangers! makers of Mygrin Mouth this thousands of dollars for this gunk! Now bring on I Deodorant. Folks, do you . . . junk! 1 minute spot. He's helping the first guest! :/' people fight bad breath! don't have all night But, I'm your first guest, Mr. Nasty. Sit Mr. My name is Dr. Harris Saint. I have down, Nasty, Oh no? Well what right do you have to deprive me Mr. Aw, shut spent 30 years of my life working Commie! I of my God-given right to have Cancer? Don't worry, Nasty! your Red on a cure for Cancer. I have never am not I know how you Commies work. First you start Trap! made a penny on my work, but I a nibbling away at our basic diseases, and then Bring on don't care. Saving mankind is my Communist! before you know it, you want to conquer them all! the next only dream. Perhaps you've heard Isn't that right? Isn't it? Huh? Huh? Answer me! guest! of me. I'm called "The Saint of Western Civilization." Welcome back to Oh, no! Not another one All right, Mr. Nasty, Oh, dear, there goes H This is fun! And so ends "The Joe Nasty of those idiotic dog acts! but please be careful. Harold . . . and there [1 I almost feel another "Joe Nasty Show". And now, Out! Out! Go haunt the Ed The dogs are very small goes Sheldon . . . and like smiling! Show." Tune in for your viewing Sullivan Show where you and delicate and . . . there goes Rosie . . . again tomorrow pleasure, Bimbo belong! Go mess up Radio Oh my God! You just night and . and his trained— City Music Hall stage! stepped on Myron! But stay off my show!

Good morning. It is 6:30 A.M. and this station __HL<- I L officially begins its broadcasting day with the - • • ~ vs v\... <-. m Morning Meditation. This morning I would like to read passages from the Good Book on the importance of love and kindness for one's fellow man. As it is written in . ..

^TECHNICAL

THENAJIONAL ANWEM ^Sw-«^r BE

;\\; I^IT i^ WHAT WILL HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS BE THE MAD FOLD-IN ULTIMATE First came short skirts. Then came mini­ IDEA IN skirts. Then came micro-skirts. If this "Mod" trend in fashions continues, there "MOD" will be only one design choice left. To find out what this daring and bold new FASHIONS? concept will be, fold page in as shown.

FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT |B FOLD BACK SO

PETITE GALS WEARING THIS ULTIMATE IN MOD

WRITTEN & DRAWN FASHIONS WILL LOOK VERY APPEALING. BUT BIG BY GALS WILL HAVE TO STEER CLEAR, OR INVITE LEERS INSTEAD OF SMILES, ADMIRATION AND RAVES A> *B MAD's Great Moments In Politics