No. OUR PRICE 109 March 30c 67 CHEAP
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.-#» HERE'S ONE "HANG-UP // YOU'LL LOVE!
MOBILE
THE FOURTH ANNUAL COLLECTION OF BLUNDERS, BOMBS, ACTS OF IDIOCY, AND OTHER... MAD
FOLLIES YOU GET IT FREE! IIS THE FULL-COLOR CUT-OUT Bonus in 'MAD FOLLIES' OUR LATEST ANNUAL ON SALE NOW! NUMBER 109 MARCH 1967
"Efficiency Experts are smart enough to tell you how to run your business, and too smart to start one of their own!" —Alfred E. Neuman
WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY DE FUCCIO, NICK MEGLiN associate editors MARTIN j. SCHEIMAN lawsuits GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, RICHARD GKILLO Subscriptions CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS
the usual gang of idiots
DEPARTMENTS BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of Arguments 16 DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT In The Locker Room 14 Downtown 31 EDITORIAL WHEEZE DEPARTMENT Various Mags Handle The Same Cartoon Situation 38 FINGER PAINTING DEPARTMENT Cop Art 48 GRADUATING CRASS DEPARTMENT Correspondence Schools For Obnoxious People 11 HOLLYWOOD AND VINES DEPARTMENT Doc Tari (A MAD TV Satire) 43 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy 23. 34 LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2 MAD TAKES PLEASURE IN PRESENTING DEPARTMENT Announcements For Everything 20 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Dramas by Sergio Aragones ** NO ONE OVER 18 ... DEPARTMENT Who In Heck Is Virginia Woolf? (A MAD Movie Satire) 4 SISS-BOOM-BLAH! DEPARTMENT School Songs For Everyday Activities 35 SPOOKING FROM PICTURES DEPARTMENT Horrifying Cliches 32 THE BRAIN AND STRAIN IS MAINLY ON THE WANE DEPT. Idiot-Proof Products 26 WILD PITCHES DEPARTMENT Advertising Endorsements We'll Never Get To See 40 YOU GOTTA HAVE A STRONG CONSTITUTION DEPARTMENT The Preamble-Re-Visited 24 **Various Places Around The Magazine
MAD-Morch 1967 Vol. I, Number 109, is published monthly except February, May, August and No vember, by E. C. Publications, Inc., 485 MADison Avenue, New York, N. Y. 10022. Second Class Post age paid at New York, N. Y. Subscriptions: In the U.S.A., 21 issues $5.00. Outside U.S.A., 21 issues $6.25. Allow 8 weeks for change of address to become effective. Entire contents copyright C 1966 by E. C. Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction ore fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. DO YOU LACK LETTERS DEPT. "THE MAD SHOW" SCORES AGAIN OFFICE OF THE MAYOR SHELF-ESTEEM? THE CITY OF NEW YORK Editor, MAD Magazine 485 Madison Avenue New York, New York Dear Sir: I have long maintained that the polit ical wars of New York City are won on BOLSTER IT WITH ANY OR ALL the playing fields of Central Park. I was, "SAVAGE SOCIETY & GREAT SOCIETY" therefore, dismayed when one of the finest teams in football history, the "Lindsay TWENTY-EIGHT Max Brandel's pictorial comparison of Lancers," was recently upset 13-2 by a —>v— "The Savage Society" with "The Great So team from "The MAD Show." To correct ciety" was brilliant. But one question: this error and re-establish their national How did he get the MAD Staff to pose reputation, the "Lindsay Lancers" hereby 5~Z. for those pictures of "The Savage So challenge the "MAD Show" team to a re ciety?" match. Tom Scullin John V. Lindsay PAPERBACK BOOKS Hubbard, Ohio Mayor ON SALE AT YOUR FAVORITE BOOK STAND "THE MAD SHOW" The other day, I saw your new revue, -OR YOURS BY MAIL FOR 50c EACH "The MAD Show." I think it is one of the —————use coupon or duplicate———— best new shows of the season. The cast was marvelous, the music was enjoyable, and the sketches were terrific. My congratula MAD tions to writers Larry Siegel and Stan Hart 485 MADison Avenue, and to composer Mary Rodgers. The en tire show was like the pages of MAD New York, N. Y. 10022 come alive. Pat yourselves on the back. Neil Posner PLEASE SEND ME Hollis Hills, N. Y.
• The MAD Reader "The MAD Show," currently appear D MAD Strikes Back ing at the New Theater in New York, is • Inside MAD truly "theater of the absurd"! Congratula • Utterly MAD tions! I hope it runs forever! D The Brothers MAD Kate Cone Mayor Lindsay breaks through MAD Upper Montclair, N. J. D The Bedside MAD blocking during big upset game. • Son of MAD ' I'm going back to see it again. • The Organization MAD Maryann Lopinto • Like MAD Brooklyn, N. Y. D The Ides of MAD D Fighting MAD • The MAD Frontier I've read the fabulous reviews of "The • MAD in Orbit MAD Show" and would like to know if • The Voodoo MAD there is any chance it will ever play Cleve land. • Greasy MAD Stuff Michael Brandman • Three Ring MAD Cleveland, Ohio • Self-Made MAD • The MAD Sampler Who knows? "The MAD Show" currently • World, World, etc. MAD has a New York company appearing at D Raving MAD "The New Theatre" and a Chicago com D Boiling MAD pany appearing at "The Happy Medium". • DON MARTIN Steps Out In the planning stage is a San Francisco • DON MARTIN Bounces Back company, a Boston company and a College Mayor Lindsay congratulates Capt. Stan • DON MARTIN Drops 13 Stories Tour company! Ed. Hart of "The MAD Show Team" on its win. • DAVE BERG Looks At The U.S.A. D DAVE BERG Looks At People STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP, MANAGE more of total amount of stock.) E. C. Publica D The All-New SPY vs. SPY MENT AND CIRCULATION (Act of October tions, Inc. 485 Madison Ave. NYC 10022; Na • A MAD Look at Old Movies 23, 1962; Section 4369, Title 39, United States tional Periodical Publications, Inc., J. S. Liebo- Code; 1. Date of filing: Oct. 1, 1966. 2. Title of wltz, P. H. Sampliner, Irwin Donenfeld, S. U. Publication: MAD. 3. Frequency of issue: Monthly Sampliner, Sonia Mondschein, Estate of Harry I ENCLOSE SOC FOR EACH except Feb., May, August, & Nov. 4. Location of Donenfeld—all of 575 Lexington Ave. NYC 10022. Known Office of Publication: 485 Madison Ave 8. Known bondholders, mortgagees, and other security holders owning or holding 1 percent or NAME. nue NYC 10022. S. Location of the Headquarters or General Business Offices of the Publishers: more of total amount of bonds, mortgages or 485 Madison Avenue NYC 10022. 6. Names and other securities: None. 9. Paragraphs 7 and 8 ADDRESS. Addresses of Publisher, Editor, and Managing include. In cases where the stockholder or secur Editor: Publisher: William M. Galnes~485 Madi ity holder appears upon the books of the com CITY son Ave. NYC 10022; Editor: Albert B. Feldstein pany as trustee or In any other fiduciary relation, —485 Madison Ave. NYC 10022; Managing Edi the name of the person or corporation for whom STATE .ZIP-CODE. tor: None. 7. Owner (If owned by a corporation, such trustee Is acting, also the statements in the AN ABSOLUTE MUST its name and address must be stated and also two paragraphs show the affiant's full knowl Immediately thereunder the names and addresses edge and belief as to the circumstances and con We cannot be responsible for cash lost or stolen in of sfockho/ders owning or holding I percent or ditions under which stockholders and security the mails. Cheek or Money Order preferred! On orders Outside the U.S.A. be sure to add 10% Extra! "HELLO, LYNDON!" "PROTEST MAGAZINE" "Hello, Lyndon" has got to be the best My congratulations to Larry Siegel and piece of literary genius that has ever been George Woodbridge for the slyest, wit printed in your magazine. Larry Siegel tiest, sharpest, billion-pound thrust at and Mort Drucker had me rolling on the Protest Groups that will ever be launched. floor with laughter. It was long overdue. Bill Milligan Carol Altes University of South Carolina Craig, Colorado
"Hello, Lyndon" was tremendous. It Never in my life have I read such an ranks with such all-time greats as "East inflammatory and thoroughly disgusting Side Story" and "A MAD Guide to Rus satire as your "Hello, Lyndon—or—My sia." Your brilliant satire mentioned Viet Fair Lady Bird!" Your inept writers have nam and other topics which will un made fools of the President, the Vice- doubtedly draw down upon your head the President, and Senator Kennedy. I cannot wrath and letters of many small-minded imagine how anyone can, in these perilous people. And your "Protest Magazine" was times, stoop to such tactics. There aren't also devastating. Having joined the local words to describe the contempt I feel for campus "activist" group, I know that the you in printing this ridiculous article. most important function of such a group Michael H. Arnold is the re-evaluation of its aims and the Ada, Ohio means used to obtain its goals. Don't let your honest and objective voice be drowned out by the thousands of angry Bravo on your "Hello, Lyndon" article. letters you'll probably get from that I was one of the few lucky ones to get a quarter. copy of the issue before the CIA. confis Mark Trueblood cated them all from the newsstands. Will Brown University you be able to furnish re-prints of this piece before LB J dissolves your company? By 1968, I'm sure all Democratic candi "Protest Magazine" is just one more in dates will want copies to hand out. dication of how your magazine, which Bruce Wilcox was once an intelligent, critical publica Waukesha, Wisconsin tion has now become an arm of the Gov P.S. How long did it take from the time ernment that it used to blast. the issue hit the stands until the U.S. In T_T If ternal Revenue Service began examining Brooklyn, N. Y. your Income Tax Reports? I've been a strong advocate of your ex If you haven't any better things to do cellent magazine for the past seven years, for laughs than to make fun of the Presi but when I opened the Dec. issue and let us shower you with the next 21 dent of the United States, you might try ( # 107), I was horrified. I never believed sticking your head in a toilet and flushing you would stoop so low as to smear the issues by mail. You'll dial laughing! it. The whole crew of you should be hung most sincere and serious of our college . — — —- USE COUPON OR DUPLICATE ____. by your intestines until you yell, "LBJ students. If Messrs. Woodbridge and Forever!" Siegel think that anti-war demonstrations Britt Collins and civil rights demonstrations are hu MAD Raleigh, N. C. morous—I fail to see the humor. 485 MADison Avenue, Richard Sayre University of Pittsburgh New York, N. Y. 10022 I want to thank Mort Drucker and I enclose $5.00*. Enter my name on your subscription list, and mail me the next 21 issues of MAD Magazine. Larry Siegel for the best article, by far, I am through reading MAD. It has that was ever printed in your magazine. I grown too didactic, too biased, too ob NAME also want to thank the Editors of MAD viously partisan and too humorless for ADDRESS for having the courage to print it. It is me. unfortunate that in the same issue with Robert Hellam CITY "Hello, Lyndon" you had such an obvi Seaside, California STATE ZIP-CODE ously inferior article as "Protest Mag 4N ABSOLUTE MUST azine." Please address all correspondence to: •In Canada, $5.00 in U. S. Funds, payable by International Money David Penchansky MAD, Dept. 109, 485 MADison Avenue Order or Check drawn on a U.S.A. Bank. Outside the U.S.A. and Flushing, N. Y. New York City, New York 10022 Canada, $6.25, payable by International Money Order or Check drawn on a U.S.A. Bank. Allow 8 weeks for subscription to be processed. 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Not only Paris, but also London, Rome, C.I0TAI 2,121,950 2,430,229 Moscow—in fact, people in cities everywhere are 10 AViKACE HO. COPIES SINCLC ISSUE burning these full-color portraits of Alfred E. IACH ISSUE 0UPIH0 HBAHESI I certify that the statements made by me Neuman, MAD's "What-Me Worry?" kid. So act PBECEOIHt IJMONTHS 10 FILING 0ME above are correct and complete. now! Send 25t) for 1 (or 50$ for 3) to: MAD, A. TOTAL NO. 485 Madison Avenue, New York, N. Y. 10022-and COPIISPBIMTIO 2,121,950 2,430,229 William M. Gaines, Publisher. you can go to blazes with the rest of the world! NO ONE OVER 18 WILL BE PERMITTED TO READ THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A CHILD DEPT. When they first set out to make a film So they hired Liz and Dick! You won't See those three lines around her eyes! of this successful Broadway play, they believe how the make-up man has cam And see those four grey hairs! And see decided that they'd need two middle- ouflaged Liz's beauty and sex appeal- how ugly she looks all over! Yeccchhh! aged ugly people to play the hero and turning her into an ugly, middle-aged All we know is: We certainly wouldn't heroine. Then they decided that they'd bag! Brace yourself! Here comes that want our mother to look like her! Our also like to make money with this film! hideous, overblown, sexless blob now! girl friend, yeah! But not our mother!
Now get ready for a movie excursion into the world of sex, profanity, screaming, drinking and blood curdling parlor games that never quite answers the question the whole world is asking... mainly: WHO IN HECK IS VIRGINIA WOOLFE ?
ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: LARRYSIEGEL
Well, here we are . . . me, the dirty rotten It means that daughter of a University President. . . and this is an Art you, a dirty rotten History Teacher! It's Film—so now two o'clock in the morning and we've just the Censors returned from a Faculty Party to our will have to dirty rotten home! let us talk Okay . . . It's Game Okay! Here we go: First—let's make believe we live in a filthy miserable Time! I will now "House"? You're home like this one because you're not start off the eve going to destroy capable of making a decent living! ning by destroying me psychologically you psychologically! by playing a silly, To do this, we'll harmless game like Whoops! There goes my self-confidence! play "House"! "House"? Oh, that's really funny! That's a scream!
My game now! I'm What kind of That's no profanity, Dick! I just wanted to know what going to cause you That's ridiculous! profanity is great anxiety and a that. Liz? percentage of the gross we're How will I suffer getting for this picture! possible kick in the great anxiety and a teeth by playing possible kick in the "Pin The Tail On teeth by sticking The Donkey"! this pin into a And you're IT! donkey?
^"IULL Where were we? There's Hi, John and Marcia! I'm Nat—a new Instructor here at the University- and this is my wife, Bunny! We're both fresh-looking, clean-cut, and Oh, yes . . You will the IF IT'S very much in love... which is why it is dramatically wise to inject I will not play play and doorbell! THE us into this "House of Horrors"! Can we come in and play with you? me, you like it, Answer DONKEY- + <§>«!! you it! COME #$+<©<*%!! ON IN!! Go away! Can't Why didn't You kids seem to I see. And through you see we're But I'm a great you say so? be having fun with This one's this "Symbolic having fun by Potential Adulterer | Come on in your "Symbolic called Game", what are Choke my ourselves! . . . and my wife and join us! Games"! What do "Choke Your you really trying partner until Throws Up a you call that game Partner Until to do? he gags you're playing now? He Gags And and dies!
I feel sort of left out at this Sure, Honey! party, Nat! You and I are so Hey—I've got normal and so much in love! Can't it! Why don't we get into the swing of things by you throw up doing something disgusting, too? . . for starters?
| Can I get her anything Boy, you really know Yes, she's very trying! And we can't wait all You didn't say, to help? A glass of how to hurt a girl, night! Time for the next game! Everyone line "$#&%@<*! sour milk? A wormy don't you? How cruel up for "Dirty Giant Steps"! The object of this may I?" apple? An airline can you get? I told game is to cause a little frustration trauma! sickness bag? you—she's trying! John ... you may take one Dirty Giant Step ... John,you Now I know why you really wanted to play this game! Aw . . . But our may now You don't want me to take a Baby Step! You just want for the Mike! kid's See? You're talking about take one to remind me of the baby we had! How many times have love of You » name is our kid, Lance, again! Don't Dirty I told you, "Don't ever mention that kid of ours!"? Mike . . . / said E "Lance"! mention our boy, Lance, again Baby ... ever! Do you understand? Step!
All right! For our Who made up that game? Shouldn't you and I Ordinarily, yes! next game we're going be sitting next to our But in a picture to play, "Go To The wives, instead of like this, Roadhouse For No The Director! He side by side here anything can Reason At All When wants to get us in the car? happen! We Could Do The away from this Same Thing We're crumby, confining Going To Do There Set for a while! . . . Right Hei it
Well, up to this point, things are just threw it If I were the jealous type, I would really be worried about going very well: I hate Marcia— What do the in for laughs! those two! Marcia looks great out there, doesn't she? Marcia hates me—I hate you—You people in n this picture, I hate me—Nat hates you—You hate Appalachia a line like THAT I Nat—and the people in Appalachia have to do is Comedy Relief! are starving! with us? • ••^•Wo»*?- i^^ ml1 \\ f 1 I Wl ; MI • fin » ml! \ 'til Now, for our next game, we're going to play Hold it! But you don't even have a kid! Do you? Hold it! I keep telling her never You made up the kid! Didn't you? Both We've been playing games all night and What's with to mention our son, but of you have been using this fantasy it's getting late! No more games, Marcia! you two and she keeps bringing him child as a crutch to hold your marriage your kid!? | up! Now, I've decided to together! Now why don't you forget this We're going to play games until the sun comes up! kill the kid! I've got to! make-believe kid and face reality and— Son! You said "Son"! Didn't I warn you never to mention that son of ours again!? Hello, Mother! Hello, Father! It is I—your son, Lance! I'm home from Fantasy child, you say!? Fantasy, my foot! He's Yeah! Harvard! Gosh-a-rooney, it's grand to see you both again! Now, it's real, and he's OURS! How can sick people like Kill! me for a tall glass of milk, some warm apple pie, a healthful shower us stand such a disgustingly wholesome kid!? Kill! ... after which I'm off to take Nancy, that sweet girl from next door, Where did we go wrong?! We've got to kill him! Kill! to the Church Social, and then out for a Malt and . . . Well, so long, John and Marcia! It's been fun playing games with Not really! Tonight was both of you tonight! But before we go, there's one thing I'd like something special for us! to ask you! Do you two spend every night playing games like this? It's our Wedding Anniversary! GRADUATING CRASS DFPT CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS FOR REPULSIVE PEOPLE WRITERS: PHIL HAHN & JACK HANRAHAN WRITCB5. DUM ii.i,.. „ .. ... AMERICA'S TEN MOST "We're looking for FAMOUS PETTY CIVIL SERVANTS people who like to bog others down in red tape" * •••••••••••••••••••A-***** * A Typical Success Story t * by WARREN DAWDLE, Records Clerk * * State Unemployment Insurance Bureau, Gomez, N.Y. ** efore I took your course, I was just bumbling along in my job like an idiot, smiling and being polite to peopleB. Then one day, I caught myself ac tually trying to help a confused civilian. I knew right then and there that my career was in grave danger, and that I needed ex pert guidance. Today, thanks to your wonderful school, I am numbered among the rudest, most hair splitting, frustrating government employees in the country. It's a gOOd feeling!" * Jerry Service Tex Examiner • •••••••••••••••••••"A:**** ADD YOUR NAME TO THE GROWING LIST OF UNPLEASANT, HATEFUL, NIGGLING MISFITS IN THE SERVICE OF OUR CITY, STATE AND FEDERAL GOVERNMENTS! ENROLL TODAY!! FAMOUS PETTY CIVIL SERVANTS SCHOOL For Information, Write: Staff/Sgt. Carbon N. Quadruplicate (U.S. Army Ret.) President, Famous Petty Civil Servants School, PO Box 18, Featherbed, Iowa. 11 1 a. CO u CO •_' =50 ep ed ^ a. O x: 4) :_. O U o > -S 3 c o 1) 1) "5. £ ff •85 II i) cs 0 -3 -C 00 — rt rt u 1 — *+- o £ J* "a rt ai us e £5 5 -S ° ° c3 a 3 « O 4) c c c w 1- •- o 3 ° £ § f S O 3 0 : 0 u O T3 u — >- C 00 C C CO 00 O c> . .5 "0 . rt u >» 5 rt £ '3 a> .5 pi ts x; ri yo u 3D 2 orr y u. £~ X Z * y. * * * * * * * * * * £< SB O 0 g£ • z 1_ Lu^ «g* — pr* —z <•0} "I0 °o LU Z. > =2«* ~ -2 CO . - 0 z!= J CL •JJ _ Q. = 71 O (0 x 5 CD LU —™J ~0 CO O Q. OS O 3 C LU 3= — i_ | O o 00 =5 ; ! ^*- CD «- • U) < C3 1 E <=£Ll_ O=O ^ c z ~ o 00 = •«2 tz ~. (^ s h(/-) z < Q Z UJ 1 111 Q ' 1- h- U° 11 < e 1 H 3 1 o O) I _l a. { N 1 be j S T3 S "3 .* .3 3 O S M o i g c n I S B2 c J -as et z O) en _ •13 •a ^ s Q 3 »T J£ UJ | H So O o a n . e a <* il - 2 (5 a t- 1 re ,_ | I iq < 1 .S | V ft, ^Q. »a) 1- 1 •5 3 2 . 8 E «o 9 S, * « : (A w LU 5 iS 8E S C C .3 "ft" -i a> SS g * a 0, « g« 1 -J o 0 ^J K 0) TODA Y 0 5 —t o uz cc zDC to a) 111 (•1 CL 4-* LU od (0 UJ o <-3 > •*J-o» > a> 0 w, CO 3 3 O a 5 O Q CO NOX I OQ 10 0 (0 S < CO ? U 2 J)£ o> o z t/> CO B 3 >. s2| Okay, Foneboneski! This play is the "Triple Fake Off-Guard Plunge" play. It's all laid out on this blackboard here, so listen and watch closely! Now! When I bring my arm way back like this, you run around behind me... Now we run toward each other! When we meet, I give the ball to you-you give it back to me-an' I give it to you again ... all the while keeping hunched over so nobody can see what's happening! Then, you put your head down and charge right up the middle here! BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPT. LIGMTTE^Fi DID YOU TELL JOE SCHIFF WHAT RIGHT DO YOU mere, dear. . . have your] THAT I'M IMPOSSIBLE HAVE TO TELL ANYONE BESIDES, IT'S I morning cup of coffee! J UNTIL I HAVE MY MORNING ANYTHING ABOUT MY A ROTTEN, CUP OF COFFEE? PERSONAL HABITS!? STINKIN' LIE! When I grow up, I'm JUST FOR THAT, WHEN MA! MITCH WON'T gonna be a Millionaire! I GROW UP AND GET IT, YOU CAN'T GO ON IT!! GIVE ME A RIDE ON HIS JET AIRPLANE! r Boy, that Karen's some She DID! What NERVE! Butt out, Selma! It's "kid It just so I beg your Oh, yeah! friend! I was with her The next time you see her, stuff"! Stop identifying happens, pardon . . . Who's the this afternoon, when you know what I would say with your daughter! Besides, smart guy, there's three! THIRD kid? suddenly, she ups and to her if I were you? I'd you know how it is when that there's leaves me flat! say, "Listen, Karen ..." three kids get together! One only TWO kids of them always gets it! involved here! Oh, so you finally decided to Don't "But, Evelyn" me! I THAT'S A PRETTY call! What's the matter, did suppose you think I've got you break your dialing finger? nothing else to do but wait LAME EXCUSE!! Or did you wear it down to a around till you call! Well, stub dialing that fat blonde? that's just what I've been doing! So why didn't you?? LOOK! HE'S STILL SLEEPING! I'M ASHAMED OF YOU! YOU'RE Okay! Okay! You want me to Go back to bed, my boy! I A BUM, THAT'S WHAT HE IS! NO SON OF MINE! I DISOWN go I'll go! I'll join the Army! GET OUT OF BED, BUM! FIND YOU! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! Maybe they'll ship me off to A JOB! EARN YOUR KEEP! ALL I NEVER WANT TO LAY EYES someplace where they got a YOU DO IS SLEEP AND EAT AND ON YOU AGAIN, YOU BUM! hot war going! Maybe I'll get WATCH TV AND HANG AROUND killed! Then maybe you'll WITH OTHER BUMS! be satisfied! LISTEN HERE, YOU! I'VE TOLD Okay, okay! YOU AND TOLD YOU! KEEP YOUR Don't get MUTT OUT OF MY GARDEN! HE'S excited! i#w^'i RUINING MY FLOWERS! IF YOU We'll get our DON'T REMOVE HIM IMMEDIATELY, dog out of I'LL CALL THE POLICE! your garden! OH, YEAH! ( BALONEY!] fsEZ YOU.'] 11 [OH, YEAHT) (YEAH; Honey, le'me OH! WHEN YOU WANT FOR MONTHS, I'VE BEEN BEGGING ISN'T THAT OKAY! OKAY! Yeah!! I'm Okay! So I have $20.00? SOMETHING, WE'VE GOT YOU TO GET ME A NEW WASHER RIGHT? WELL, SO I WON'T satisfied! If WON'T I gotta buy PLENTY OF MONEY! BUT AND DRYER, AND YOU'VE BEEN ISN'T IT? BUY IT! I do without— buy you a something! WHEN I WANT SOMETHING, PLEADING POVERTY! NOW, WHEN ANSWER ME!' SATISFIED? YOU do without! Birthday WE CAN'T AFFORD IT! YOU WANT SOMETHING, SUDDENLY present! si— MONEY POURS DOWN FROM HEAVEN! —v I'M ASHAMED OF YOU, BRAWLING I'm proud of you, my LIKE A COMMON HOODLUM! IS THAT boy! You licked him! HOW WE'VE BROUGHT YOU UP! NOW GET INTO THE HOUSE . . . AND GET WHAT'S COMING TO YOu! LIFE WITH YOU HAS BEEN THERE'S NEVER A MOMENT S MY MARRIAGE HAS BEEN NOTHING ONE LONG HELL ON EARTH PEACE! ALLA TIME, THERE'S BUT ONE UNRESOLVED ARGUMENT YOU NEVER NOTHING BUT SCREAMING, GOTTA BE SOME BIG LIFE- AFTER ANOTHER! LIVING WITH FIGHT BACK! YELLING, CARRYING ON! OR-DEATH ISSUE AT STAKE! YOU is TOTAL FRUSTRATION! You Americans and your So? And your movies! Hah! Look And your TV is getting Hah! Got you It's a preoccupation with Sex! That Each one tries to who's worse! Even commercials by your very SPECTATOR Look at your books and doesn't out-do the other talking! have sexual overtones! own words! In SPORT!! magazines! Nothing is prove to see who can I've seen Yes, in this country, this country, left to the imagination! anything be the rawest! your films! Sex is becoming the Sex is NOT an biggest indoor sport! indoor sport! V HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING I HAVE TO GET READY!! What are you What made you Because you're always 1 TO STAY IN THAT BATHROOM.1? GET OUT OF THERE NOW, yelling about? think I was in in the bathroom when YOU KNOW I HAVE A DATE!! OR I SWEAR I'LL BREAK the bathroom? 1 have to use it! : THIS DOOR DOWN!! ' l/BMG 7*% =I < - jM "• t w i )&r YOU'RE STUPID! STUPID! YOU DO IT EVERY SO I GOOFED! DO YOU No thanks! Driving ...and I STUPID! YOU MISSED TIME! YOU GOT A HAVE TO MAKE A FEDERAL makes me nervous ... 1 miss exits! THE EXIT AGAIN. NOW MENTAL BLOCK CASE OUT OF IT? IF WE GOTTA GO MILES ABOUT THAT EXIT! YOU'RE SO SMART, HOW 1 OUT OF OUR WAY. IT'S BECAUSE ABOUT CHANGING SEATS, YOU'RE STUPID! AND YOU DRIVE.' HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE WHAT DO YOU EVERYBODY'S IF I WASN'T IN SUCH DRIVING, YOU LUNKHEAD! MEAN "CUT GOT A LICENSE A HURRY TO GET SOME YOU ALMOST CUT ME OFF.' YOU OFF"? THESE DAYS.' PLACE SPECIAL, I'D STAY IN YOUR LISTEN, IDIOT! STOP AND KNOCK YOUR OWN LANE, JERK. LEARN TO DRIVE! UGLY BLOCK OFF, CRUMB.' MAD TAKES PLEASURE IN PRESENTING THIS DEPT. Whenever there is an important happening, like a birth or a wedding or a supermarket opening, people send out engraved announcements. But what ^sjsrisrOT^risroEiviEr^Tr© WRITER: about unimportant happenings? Why ignore them? MAD feels that it would be a great idea to let everyone know what's going on by sending out. . . FOR EVERYTHING FRANK JACOBS CI! The Acquisition Of A T hreeUee ^ousand-DollarThou Mink Coat For Only Dr.St*.WSUmus Eight Hundred And Sixty-Five Dollars And Seventy-Eight Cents From Bernie Glassman, Wholesale Furrier, Nineteen H^ . On Tuesday, The Sixth Of September, WorialHospUal Nineteen Hundred And Sixty-Six GartaqeTpuckhumUFour Of TneGtq Sanitation Department FROM |s Pleased To Announce STOOLIE TU It Has Retained Tne Services TO Of Mr. Pnilip Groqan As Associate Dumper °" THURSDAY rWr c. Spencer CulpepP^ Havinq &^ SM^ r 7mnk As Treasurer Jakes n ^ ; ^obs «*<* Gleeful'Pleasure Jn An aTVi.f^MahonalBank \s Pleased To Announce BySe His t^ew Address: f^nem Another Jnstpid Article ClutWUopee Bas ^PonAnmsy?re . tntse RiodeJoneiro,^'1 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART I <*i> ^: yy Kv\> &&&&&**< YOU GOTTA HAVE A STRONG We the People of the United States... in order to form a more perfect Union establish Justice... promote the General Welfare and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves.. CONSTITUTION PEPT. PREAMBLES REVISITED insure Domestic Tranquility... provide for the Common Defense... THE BRAIN AND STRAIN IS MAINLY ON THE WANE DEPT. Today, the average consumer is either lazy or stupid or both. If it weren't so, industry wouldn't be racing full speed ahead turn- in the old days, a camera bug had to unwrap a roll of film, open up his camera, thread the film onto a take-up spool, close the camera, wind the film to advance it, judge the distance from subject to lens, set the focus, judge the amount of light, adjust the aperture, and choose the shutter speed before he was ready to take a picture. And if everything was right, it came out! YES, TODAY'S MANUFACTURERS ARE CONVINCED THAT ALL CONSUMERS ARE COMPLETE IDIOT-PROOF AN EXAMPLE OF MODERN IDIOT-PROO In the past, a kid would see So he'd buy the kit and rush After long hours of learning Although the finished model the magnificent painting of home—only to find that the how to read plans, and cut- plane was not much to look World War I planes in fiery box contained complicated ting and shaping every part at, the silly kid would hang combat on a model-building plans and rough materials to by hand, our intrepid model- it in his room and foolishly kit box, and he'd want, more build the plane. Frustrated builder would be ready for show it to his friends with than anything else, to build at first, he'd then decide the final assembly and paint- pride because each bit of it 26 a model of one of the planes. to conquer this tough task. ing of the finished product, was his own deft handiwork. ing out products that eliminate any need for skill or intelligence •» in their use. Take, for example, the ordinary snapshot camera... Today, all that a camera bug has to AUTOMATIC do is open up his camera, snap in a VIEWFINDER film cartridge, close his camera . . . and shoot! The picture will come out because everything else is now done automatically. The film advances by itself, the fixed-focus lens takes care of distance, and the electric eye takes care of lens opening and shutter speed. All of the skill and AUTOMATIC FOCUS KNOB the guesswork has been eliminated! IDIOTS. AND WITH THIS FACT IN MIND, THEY ARE TURNING OUT MORE AND MORE . . . PRODUCTARTIST & WRITERS: AL JAFFEE FIIMG...THE MODEL-BUILDING HOBBY KIT TODAY... The modern day kid is still But when he buys the kit and All of the plastic pre-cast The final product is perfect bedazzled by the magnificent rushes home and opens it, he parts are pre-keyed so each in every detail. The only painting of a jet plane or a finds no frustrating problem one fits perfectly into the trouble is, kids aren't as rocket on an "idiot-proofed" to tax his ingenuity and his other, and assembly takes no proud of their handiwork as model-building kit box, and skill. "Idiot-proofing" has elim more than five minutes. Also, they used to be. Maybe it's wants, more than anything inated need for studying pre-coloring eliminates need because idiot-proof kits are else, to build one of them. plans, fashioning parts, etc. to paint the finished model. so simple, anyone can do 'em. 27 jiL FANC^X Taking into account the Population Explosion, "Idiot-Proofing" is going to become a bigger and bigger thing in the coming years ... not because SOME IDIOT-PROOF IDIOT-PROOF" SEWING MACHINES With an ordinary-type sewing But none of these terrible By pushing various buttons, End-result will never look machine, the results always things will happen with an machine will automatically homemade. Nor will it look look homemade. This means Idiot-Proof Sewing Machine. cut out the pattern, stitch, like a one-of-a-kind item — the end-product is usually a All that the user will have sew, hem, haw, and do every unique, creative and very one-of-a-kind item — unique, to do is select a fabric and other necessary operation to individual. But it will be creative, and very individual. insert it into the machine. produce a faultless product. perfect — like store-bought. IDIOT-PROOF" SCRABBLE SETS With regular Scrabble, game Idiot-Proof Scrabble Set has When player presses "Board- With Idiot-Proof Scrabble, is slow and boring. Players special racks wired to board Button," squares light up to anyone will be able to play have to know a lot of words containing electronic brain. show best place to put word. like an expert. It will not and must have good minds for When player presses "Rack- Every game ends with highest be necessary to learn words figuring out how to make the Button," screen flashes best possible score and only dif —or anything! In fact, it best score by combining each possible word from tiles he ference between players is will not even be necessary set of seven tiles they pick. has picked plus one on board. their luck in picking tiles. to know how to talk English! IDIOT-PROOF" GUITARS Listening to today's musical The Idiot-Proof Guitar will Just by strumming (Automatic Another great boon will be groups, any idiot thinks he make Pete Seeger look like a Strummer, also available!), the elimination of screaming, can play. While this is true, beginner. Fully electrified, guitar will virtually play screeching girls. Since all there are many who can't get all you'll do is insert the itself. This will not only play alike, listeners won't the hang of it, even after 5 "Song Selection" card in the sound better, but will free know one group from another, or 10 minutes of practice. slot, and you're ready to go! you to concentrate on lyrics. and fan clubs will disappear. there will be a greater demand for more products, but because there will be a greater amount of idiots! So here, then, are MAD's suggestions for PRODUCTS TO COME IDIOT-PROOF" TYPEWRITERS De ar 30n, ear Son: think ail - ZZV ^ «- 8-od h,aitTl?e "eLT "r688 and AUTOMATIC 6 "°wded soheduie j;*^" '^ your MARGIN SETTINGS. an p SPACING. ETC. Portunity for di8Mt«h^ ° " if time S b« should it at «?° lng an ePistle, ^ doNt rite al°\ ° s t a int bM i»le any •n i tiauv7° —Pos^ ^is direction w?,,,/0" °ay tah« « ciated. Ul be greatly appre- MEMORT TAPES WHICH CORRECT S5> GRAMMAR. SPELLING. PHRASING, ETC 3^ Ordinary typewriters are only as The Idiot-Proof Typewriter will include memory Recipient of letter will find it good as the people who use them. tapes that store millions of words, phrases and easy to understand. Of course, a Above, we see a typical, poorly- correct grammatical expressions. As writer types, few people will be nostalgic for typed letter. Note mistakes in two letters will he produced simultaneously: the the old personal style, but isn't spelling, phrasing, syntax, etc. usual stupid one and instantly-corrected version. perfection better than sentiment? IDIOT-PROOF" ELECTRIC TRAIN SETS With an ordinary train set, a child has to learn to master a complicated With an Idiot-Proof Electric Train Set, array of knobs, dials, buttons and levers that control switches, whistles, a child will have no problems. All he'll gates, action cars and the speed of trains. There's always the danger of have to do is set Timer for how long he making a mistake and causing a wreck . . . which is actually most fun of all. wants to play with set and push a button. The "Idiot-Proof Train Set" will be permanently assembled will blink, etc. etc. All the child will do is sit there inside unbreakable plastic dome. As soon as the Starter- and enjoy it for the time he's chosen to play. He has no Button is pressed, everything inside will go through its problems like learning, discovering, thinking, etc. And if paces entirely automatically. Trains will roll, switches he's bored before the Timer goes off, the set will finish will switch, gates will close, whistles will blow, lights playing by itself and shut off. Won't that be a fun thing? 29 IDIOT-PROOF" TROPICAL FISH TANKS The ordinary tropical fish tank is An Idiot-Proof Tropical Fish Tank Reason is simple: Everything is plastic! Rocks a headache. Fish die easily from will eliminate all of these head are plastic, plants are plastic, gravel, air- chills or over-feeding. They fight aches and give the "fish fancier" bubbles, even fish are plastic! Suspended from and kill each other off. Plants the same hours of enchantment and special tracks in tank-cover by motor-driven rot, or become over-grown. Water enjoyment. Absolutely no attention invisible wires, they seem to swim around even must be filtered, aerated, heated, or care will be required, and the more naturally than real ones. And they never and checked constantly or it will thing can be ignored for months eat, sleep or do any of the nasty other things cloud up. Just one little mistake, without any danger of plant and live ones do. Of course, clouding of water in and a big investment can be lost. fish-loss, or clouding of water. tank is no longer a problem. There isn't any! "IDIOT-PROOF" GOLF EQUIPMENT Today, the skills of those amateurs who indulge in sports themselves into thinking that what they really go out for are erratic and unpredictable. Many Golfers, for example, is the fresh air and exercise, but that doesn't ring true never cure their faults and go on frustrating themselves when you take into account all of the golf clubs that are year after year after year. Of course, they like to kid smashed in angry humiliation every time a shot is missed. k Idiot-Proof Golf Equipment will insure a perfect shot and that the golfer has to do is yell. '"Fore!" and press the a low score every game. The Automatic Golf Club is placed button. Eighteen holes can be played through quickly and next to the ball, and the distance to the hole is set. An efficiently, allowing the golfer to rush home sooner so he electric eye on the hole-number flagpole registers correct can mow the lawn and take out the garbage and wash the car direction and a wind-velocity gauge adjusts for drift. All and baby-sit and indulge in other "fun things" like that. For the Golfer who insists upon being allowed to swing his itself could be "Idiot-Proofed" as shown here. This would own club, but still wants a perfect score, the Golf Course eliminate the need for expensive "Idiot-Proof" equipment. & 30 DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II DOWNTOWN SPOOKING FROM PICTURES PEPT. Hey, gang! It's time once again for MAD'S new •j^-J-W-v game. Here's how it works: Take any familiar phrase or colloquial expression, give it an eerie setting so you come up with a new-type monster, and you're playing it. Mainly, you're HORRIFYING CLICHES ARTIST: PAUL COKER JR. WRITER: PHIL HAHN Breaking out of a SLUMP Giving in to a WHIM Laying out a PLAN Covering up a SCANDAL Feeding one's EGO Couching a PHRASE Working out your HOSTILITIES Hitting the NAIL on the head 33 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART II SISS ... BOOM ... BLAH ... DEPT. When a kid enters school, some of the first things he learns are the School Songs. MAD has made a study of these songs, and we've discovered that they fall into two main categories: The first type of School Song is the "Rock-'em—Sock-'em The second type of Song is written in praise of the School Fight Song," calculated to glorify the Football Team and itself. It's sung mainly at Graduation Exercises, and it's fill the student body with that old "School Spirit." Here supposed to evoke deep emotional feelings and bring a lump is an example of a typical Rock-*em—Sock-'em Fight Song: to everyone's throat. Here's an example of this type song: The Black And The Blue Hail To Thee, Oh Frisbee High! (to the tune of "The Notre Dame Fight Song") (to the tune of "High Above Cayuga's Waters") Cheer, cheer the Black and the Blue! Hail to thee, oh Frisbee High School- You're gonna win 'cause we are for you! Faithful, good and true! Push their faces in the mud! If you spoke, you'd say you love us Punch out their teeth and draw their blood! Like we all love you! Stomp on their stomachs! Break all their bones! Frisbee High School, when we've left you, We wanna hear their screams and their moans! And the days seem long— If you follow our advice, We will think back how they made us You'll win a clean vic-tor-y! Sing this stupid song! Now these songs are okay for special occasions, but they don't have much value in the long, humdrum hours of ordinary school life. Kids spend most of that time sitting in classrooms, going to lunch, and trying to pass surprise quizzes. To this dull existence, we dedicate: MAD SCH §\* L SONGS FOR EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: FRANK JACOBS 35 The Early Morning Rouser The Emergency Bathroom Chant (to the tune of "I've Been Working On The Railroad") (to the tune of "Over There") Catch her eye! Catch her eye! Wave and shout! Yell right out! Catch her eye! I am getting up at seven, So I won't be late! For your need is growing, I am getting up at seven, And you are knowing So I'll get to school by eight! If you don't leave the room Can't you hear the 'larm clock i you'll die! "Rise up and hurry on your way! Can't you hear my mother she You must try! "You fool! It's Saturday!" Don't be shy! Make her look! Throw a book! Scream and cry! The Failure's Hymn ***OOOOPS!*** (To the tune of "From The Halls Of Montezuma" It's too late now! You couldn't wait now! Boy, you're really sunk 'Cause you didn't catch her From those prob-lems in a-rith-me-tic To those tests in English class; I don't care if I can't answer them, And I don't care if I pass! I don't care if I can't read or write; If I can't subtract or add; 'Cause my girl-friend is as rich as heck, And we'll both live off her dad! The Lunchroom March (to the tune of "The Air Force Song") Try the beans— They were prepared last Friday! And the meaf s Forward, boys! Tough as a mule! Off we go— Start moving down the counter! The soup is cold! Into the lunch-room yonder, Grabyourgrub! The bread's got mold! Pushing girls Fill up your tray! Yecch! Out of the way! (Clankity-Clank) Anything beats our lunchroom at school! The March Of The Hell-Raisers (to the tune of "Stout Hearted Men") Give me some guys Running and romping Who are hell-raising guys And screaming and stomping, Who can shake up and break up a class We brawl like it's all just a gas! Guys who don't care, When- Then— Who will stand on their chair, The teacher fin'lly sees We'll start again! Who will shout and give out with the sass! Yeah! That we don't give a hoot! Because she's just a substitute! The Cheater's Chant The Goof-Off's Anthem (to the tune of "Bless 'em AM") (to the tune of "Over Hill, Over Dale") In a test For a class That we know that we can't pass- See the goof-offs go faking along! Start to heave; Fake a chil Anything so you'll lookil As the goof-offs go faking along! For it's hi-hi-hoo! Let's all fake the Asian flu! Call out your symptoms loud and strong man! Ecch!" We will feel enthused When the teachers says "Excused!" As the goof-offs go faking along! Cheat'em al Cheat'em all! In Springtime, in Winter and Fall! Those Lincoln quotations we hide in our fist! That Longfellow verse written on our left wrist! If you find that your mind can't recall The date when the Romans took Gaul— A glance at your knee-cap Will help you to recap! So why take a chance? Cheat 'em all! EDITORIAL WHEEZE DEPT. Saturday Evening Post Today, the newsstands are choked with magazines, each trying desperately to project an "Editorial Image" (except for MAD, which is trying desperately to overcome its "Editorial Image!"). This Editorial Image is even apparent in the humor each magazine offers via its one-panel caption-cartoons. You'll see what we mean as MAD conjectures on HOW VARIOUS Field And Stream MAGAZINES MIGHT HANDLE THE SAME Fantasy & Science Fiction CARTOON SITUATION ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: AL JAFFEE W/ ti Ladies Home Journal The New Yorker Boy's Life Consumer Reports WILD PITCHES DEPT. ADVERTISING ENDORSEMENTS WEIL PROBABLY UNITED NEVER JEWISH GET APPEAL TO SEE WRITTEN AND DESIGNED BY: MAX BRANDEL PHOTOS BY: U.P.I. / 40 1 BETTER VISION INSTITUTE INC. AMERICAN BIBLE SOCIETY GOD'S WORD £1 C\ PLANTERS MIXED NUTS 41 . LANVIN american dairy association MY SIN ... a most provocative fragrance BLACK & WHITE SCOTCH WHISKY 4? R^JHH .dSSm HOL'LYWOOD AND VINES bEPT. Of all the creatures on this earth, it is man who can do the most harm. Lions may stalk, elephants r may trample, buffalo may stampede, but only man has the power of speech, the power to write, and the power to run a motion picture camera that can produce so many painful episodes of... ..'./a unit A/. :ii//li'A There! I removed a painful splinter I put it in yesterday! 2 Payola, look into the from his foot! Now he will be Someone has to teach * waiting room and see friendly and indebted to me for How did he get a splinter these stupid creatures 3 who's next. the rest of his life! in his foot to begin with? indebtedness! From my years of hard study Look! This is what Oh, no! I wanted to cure and experience of animal Clairvoyance wanted H him before he was turned behavior, I would guess that to show us . . . some loose. Now he'll spread he wants us to follow him! one let the ocelot his disease to every out of the cage . animal in the jungle! Okay, put up your hands! All four of you . . . Ud w And there you'll sit See, there's until the sun scorches a little you all to a crisp, so good in the in case I don't see worst of you again, have a them. He happy death! wished us a happy death.' ,-A ^-\// -y K^r^tf ••¥/ a.,.„* Judas, listen to me! You can What do Well, the sun is coming up. save our lives! Go back to you mean Today, my darling daughter, *f the compound! In my hut you'll "eccch!" you're going to get enough find a set of keys. Take them You got sun to last you your life and open the top drawer of my a better time ... mainly because we'll desk. In there you'll find idea, all be dead in a few hours. another set of keys. Bring smarty- them to me . .. pants? /CW.. zcc&s&&y/W \& What Well, I tried to \ We've got to track do send a smoke j down those elephants, you signal for help the animals mean help, and I 1 trapped by the blaze, "part think I started SI capture Denninger, of it?" most of it... put out the fire ... "\r BA£S V -\ At a time like this, you think about quitting time? Cough . . . cough . . . boy it's bad in this Think of the green forests and trees that will be blaze . . . but there are animals to be ruined. Think of the green fields and meadows. Think saved . . . cough . . . thank goodness fear of the green time-and-a-half overtime money! is not of prime concern . . . Listen, Denninger! You came Those semi-fancy words Good You know it's impossible! on this preserve without don't impress me none! going, I know it's impossible! permission—that's trespassing! You may have escaped Judas! But a chimp doesn't know You led the elephants off the the cage, and managed You Caught the it's impossible! Another property—that's kidnapping! to come out of the caught bullets? advantage of the animal You started this fire—that's forest fire alive, but the That's world! arson! Now you want to kill how are you going to bullets! impossible! us—that's downright unfriendly! stop a bullet? ^ANG Well, I know it's NEXT MORNING it impossible, I'll take that seems and he Give him one gun now, to knows it's of these every Denninger. Come make impossible, two hours . . . along with me! sense . . but the chimp... I guess that just about does it, Did we forget Wasn't "put out the then. We saved the animals, put something? forest fire" some Denninger behind bars, got our where on that list? elephants back, and, uh . . . er. . IT • N fi$r \ FINGER PAINTING DEPT. COP ART 1 WHAT IS HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS TODAY'S MAD FOLD-IN MOST Every day we hear terrifying stories of crimes SHOCKING committed by people under the influence of drugs like heroin, marijuana, barbiturates, L.S.D., etc. DRUG But the most shocking drug-crime of all is hardly MENACE? ever mentioned. Fold page in, and see what it is! A^ FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT •« B FOLD BACK SO "A" MEETS "B" SOME ADDICTS BECOME DESPERATE DARING PROFESSIONAL CRIMINALS.THESE TRAITS IN MEN,TORTURED BY DOPE, CAUSE RADICAL PRESSURES ON CITIZENS OF ALL DESCRIPTIONS A* «B ls Cl cP^ - a cigarette.- , gajette... TO A SHERIFF... TO A RUSTLER... TO A COWBOY... TO A SMOKER... ... it's a Top Gun's shot! .. it's a Hangman's knot! ... it's a mad stampede! ... it's his weed! TO A DIVER... TO A STROLLER... TO A HUNTER... TO A SMOKER ... it's a hungry shark! ... it's a Central Park! ... it's a charging stag! ... it's a drag! TO A BIGOT... TO AKLANSMAN... TO ABIRCHER... TO A SMOKER., ... it's a Jew next door! ... it's a guy from CORE! ... it's a Commie nut! ... it's a butt! TO AN ULCER... TO A WEAK HEART... TO A DEEP CUT... TO A SMOKER... it's a shot of booze! .. it's some shocking news! it could be gangrene! nicotine! 1 < J D ^e taVrflM^W fl Bietasteofdeatil.5 Presented as a Public Service by THE K.E. NT.* SOCIETY •"Knowledge Ends Needless Tumors"