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STOKELY AND TESS 'A clock-watcher is liable to wind up as just another one of the hands!" (A MAD —Alfred E. Neuman MUSICAL) Pg.4 WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY DE FUCCIO, NICK MECLiN associate editors

GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, RICHARD GRILLO Subscriptions CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots COMIC STRIP HEROES DEPARTMENTS FROM REAL LIFE ACKNOWLEDGE-MINT DEPARTMENT Pg. 14 Where Our Tax Dollars Go 18 BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of Relatives 28 CAUSTIC AGENTS DEPARTMENT Why Spy? (A MAD TV Satire) 43 DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT BRINGING OUTDOOR One Evening At Home 11 SPORTS The Smartest Ape In Captivity 35 INDOORS Gambling In The Amazon 42 Pg.22 ESPRIT DE CORE DEPARTMENT Stokely And Tess (A MAD Musical) 4 FAMOUS FUNNIES DEPARTMENT Comic Strip Heroes From Real Life 14 HOME-BODY-BUILDING DEPARTMENT Outdoor Sports—Indoors 22 FANTASTIC VOYAGES BASED ON JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT EVERYDAY Spy Vs. Spy 21, 38 EXPERIENCES LETTERS DEPARTMENT Pg.32 Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2 LOCALE COLOR DEPARTMENT MAD Placelies 12 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Songs That Never Made It ** A GUIDE TO MILLINERY PARADE DEPARTMENT VANISHING MAD's Easter Bonnets Designed For Male Celebrities 36 HUMAN MINI-HA-HA'S DEPARTMENT TYPES Pg.39 Fantastic Voyages Based On Everyday Experiences 32 PAST AND UNPLEASANT DEPARTMENT A MAD Guidebook To Vanishing Human Types 39 POE-MORTEM DEPARTMENT The Rating (A MAD Poem Satire) 26 **Various Places Around The Magazine WHY SPY? (A MAD TV MAD—June 1967 Vol. 1, Number 111, is published monthly except February, May, August and No vember, by E. C. Publications, Inc., 485 MADison Avenue, New York, N. Y. 10022. Second Class Post SATIRE) age paid at New York, N. Y. Subscriptions: In the U.S.A., 21 issues $5.00. Outside U.S.A., 21 issues $6.25. Allow 8 weeks for change of address to become effective. Entire contents copyright 0 1967 by Pg.43 E. C. Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all manuscripts to be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. Being a loyal American and a South ADVERTISING ENDORSEMENTS LETTERS DEPT. erner, I cannot help but take offense at "The Preamble Revisited". There are Your article "Advertising Endorse some things that should be treated with ments We'll Probably Never Get To discreetness, rather than mocked in a See" was superb. It never ceases to amaze satire magazine. me how "the usual gang of idiots" can Anne Swanson keep on creating such clever and cutting McDonough, Ga. satirical masterpieces. Rod Egan Menomonie, Wise. Beautiful! An absolute masterpiece! I may not agree with all of your articles, In the seven years that I have been but I do admire your courage and dar reading MAD, I have never been offended THE PREAMBLE REVISITED ing. MAD, more than any other magazine by an article in your superior magazine. or newspaper, represents one of our most In fact, I have often been amused by the "The Preamble Revisited" is exactly precious freedoms, that of the Press. indignation and outrage with which many the kind of shocking satire needed to jog Rosalind Sorbello of your readers have greeted satirical ar us Americans from our complacency and New Cumberland, Pa. ticles. However, I was shocked at the poor remind us of our lost ideals. If, like the taste displayed in the March issue in the staff of MAD, all of our countrymen article "Advertising Endorsements We'll properly used the freedoms that our Con If you can't find anything better to sat Never Get To See". I feel that an apology stitution guarantees, we could more justi irize than the Preamble, then you must to Mr. & Mrs. Sammy Davis is in order. fiably call our country "The Land Of The really be scraping the bottom of the bar Alan Sirota Free". rel. We DO have our freedoms and rights, University of Mass. Dennis R. Pollock but an article like this shows disrespect Amherst, Mass. Ohio State University for what our country stands for. Columbus, Ohio Mary Waters In reference to your "Advertising En Urbana, 111. dorsements" article, please be advised that I am glad to see that you are willing to Dean Martin HAS advertised milk. A take off the kid gloves and resort to the picture of this ad is rather conspicuously less gentle methods of Juvenal, Swift and Although your magazine has achieved displayed at theHawthorn-Mellody Farms, the Hebrew Prophets. I only hope that excellence many times, I feel that you have Libertyville, 111. What happens to writers your readers recognize just who has trav outdone yourselves and rendered America who make this type of mistake in their re- estied the Constitution of the United a great service by publishing "The Pre amble Revisited". It shows clearly what William S. T. Holcomb States, and who has defended it. Your Waukegan, 111. modest "Revisit" should serve to remind America is today, not what it was meant /' us how noble a statement the Preamble to be. Dennis W. Staples We exile them to Hawthorn-Mellody Farms, is, and how far we must go to fullfil the Libertyville, lll.-Ed. noble ideals expressed in it. Anderson, Calif. Richard D. Erlich ANNOUNCEMENT FOR EVERYTHING Champaign, 111. What ever happened to the "humor" Miss Victoria Vaughn in MAD? "The Preamble Revisited" is of Torrance, California Never have I laughed so hard and cried an example of the type of "hate literature" so much at the same time. This article was you've been turning out lately. I felt it is Happy to Announce that too much. My heartiest congratulations was revolting. The Editors and Writers to you. As long as "We The People Of Elliott W. McDonald of MAD Magazine The United States" can take an honest Bowesmont, N.D. hard look at ourselves and laugh at our Have Completely Flipped faults and shortcomings, we can't be that as Evidenced by the Article: bad off. The most startling article I have seen "Announcements For Everything" Greg Kay in any magazine in a long time. Thanks in Issue Number One Hundred and Nine North Hollywood, Calif. to MAD and Max Brandel for this omi March, Nineteen Hundred and Sixty-Seven nous eye-opener. I know it will awaken many readers, but let's hope it activates MAD SCHOOL SONGS { 1 was greatly inflammed over "The them. Preamble Revisited". It was the most Chris Donovan I see from your song parody, "The Lu nch- disgusting article you have ever printed. Seaside, Calif. Room March" (MAD School Songs For You knock our great country in every re Everyday Activities—#109) that the spect and you don't seem to appreciate Messrs. Woodbridge and Jacobs have your being lucky enough to live in the "The Preamble Revisited" is one of the dined in the cafeteria of the High School United States which happens to be the most unusual pieces of classic satire ever I attend. Although I am delighted that greatest country to ever exist on this published. It should be framed and hung this sinister establishment has been ex in the Smithsonian Institute. My con posed, I must ask that you restrain your planet. gratulations, gentlemen. Howard Kirshenbaum employees from using our cafeteria. There Jackie M. Ward Flushing, N.Y. is not sufficient supply of the few items Norfolk, Va. which are edible to feed US, let alone any "The Preamble Revisited" was a work guests! of art and expression of truth. I salute After reading "The Preamble Revisit Kay Killmer your ingenious insight into our "Great ed" I will never again doubt the value of Long Beach, Calif. Society". your magazine. The article was distress Christine Ellis ingly realistic and thought-provoking. My congratulations to Frank Jacobs and Pueblo, Colo. John Kendall George Woodbridge for the most idiotic, Denver, Colo. rock-em, sock-emest School Songs I've One of the sharpest comments you have ever heard. You folks sure know how to ever made in your wonderful magazine. It deserves a Pulitzer Prize. make a guy laugh. Nathan Rozansky Julia Sutherland Andrew Jacek Yonkers, N.Y. New York City Dearborn, Mich. DRUG MENACE Not only are you people "Mad"—you are obviously foolish. I refer to the inside back cover Fold-In of the March Issue and its obvious jab at Drug Stores and Pharmacists. Do you know what % of your sales are handled through Drug Pull Some stores? The biggest menace in the Drug Store today is the amount of depraved Folding Money and objectionable literature we are asked to sell to the public. As of now, this bitten hand has removed MAD from the rack Out Of Your and will refuse to sell it as we do with all other magazines we consider trash. Gus M. LaMorea Avellone Berea Pharmacy KITTY Berea, Ohio ... And Avoid A Up to this time, I have enjoyed your magazine and its crazy contents. But when you "take it out" on my Profession, I must protest. I am immediately pulling CAT-TASTROPHE off sale all MAD Magazines, and shall inform our Association of my action. The At Your Newsstand! Druggists of America try earnestly hard to promote clean literature and good read ing material, and to keep our newsstands free of abusive material. Guy B. Rice, Jr. Registered Pharmacist, Mgr. Azalea Pharmacy Richmond, Va. Origami by Baggi Photography by Irving Schild

90 copies of MAD are not going to be sold this month or next month or next! How could you be so dumb? B.J. Kurlander "Your Leader Drug" SUBSCRIBE TO Independence, Ohio

CIGARETTE AD SATIRES A\ l Q Just a note to let you know how much we appreciate your "K.E.N.T. Society" ad satire in the March issue (#109), as well as the other satires on cigarette ad vertising that you have run from time to ... and have your purr-sonal copies time in the past. One of these full-page satirical take-offs can actually offset the sent directly to your pad by mail! appeal of an entire cigarette advertising campaign. use coupon or duplicate. Roberta Matteson, Co-Ordinator Idaho Smoking and Health Project Health Education and Training Section MAD NAME. Department of Health, State of Idaho 485 MADison Avenue, ADDRESS. New York, N. Y. 10022 Being kind of burnt up about your CITY cigarette ad satires on the back covers, I I enclose $5.00*. Enter my name on would like to add something in defense your subscription list, and mail me STATE. .Zip-Code of those who courageously smoke, despite the next 21 issues of MAD Magazine. An Absolute Must! all those cancer reports. Anyone can give •In Conada, $5.00 in U.S. Funds, payable by International Money Order or Check drawn on a U.S.A. up smoking, but it takes a "real man" to Bank. Outside the U.S.A. ond Canada, $6.25, payable by International Money Order or Check drawn face lung cancer! U.S.A. Bank. Allow 8 weeks (or subscription to be processed. We cannot be responsible (or ish lost or stolen in the mails, so CHECK OR MONEY ORDER PREFERREDI Jon Simon Western Reserve University Cleveland, Ohio

A "real man" with a "death wish"!—Ed. Yep, new orders for these full-color portraits of Alfred E. Neuman, MAD's "What—Me Worry?" kid, suitable for framing or wrapping fish, Please address all correspondence to: FULL have come to a full stop! And that's a very bad sign! So if you'd MAD, Dept. Ill, 485 MADison Avenue like to help us get started again, simply mail 25c for one (or 50c New York City, New York 10022 STOP for three) to MAO, 485 MADison Avenue, New York, New York, 10022. ESPRIT DE CORE DEPT. There has been talk lately that "Porgy And Bess" may be brought back to Broadway. Now, we're all for a revival of that classic Negro opera which has been part of America's Folk Heritage for over 30 years. But we honestly wonder: In view of the drastic changes that have taken place in this country recently in the area of Race

A MODERN MAD VERSION

Hi, honey! I'm Stokely You keep away from that girl, Marching ... singing... You never did understand what I'm Carmichael. Now don't Stokely! She wants no part of praying . .. HAH! Luther, trying to do. I want to reach the tell me a sweet chick you and your Negro Militancy. baby, you and your bunch white man on his own terms. I'm like you is mixed up She's with me. She marches with have had it! I'm the future! trying to get through to him by with this tired old me ... she sings with me ... non-violent means ... as an equal. man and his ancient she prays with me . . . Relations and Civil Rights . . . who's going to sit still long enough to watch a charming, naive, and — let's face it — badly dated portrait of Negro Life in America? No, we think that if they really intend to revive "Porgy And Bess" today, they're going to have to do a few revisions and come up with something like...

AND ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER OF "PORGY AND BESS" WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL fflfl typ--wrm*- r Oh, you don't scare us, George Wallace, | Dr. King, I'm proud to Bless you, Tess! The movement is proud of What's shakin' And who's afraid of Lurleen? be part of your great you and your dedication. But we've still Baby? We've ... got the troops, movement. I believe in got lots of work to do. Remember, we are We're getting more, everything you advocate the new Negro, projecting a new image to We got Court Writs they can't for our people—equality, the world: Defiant, but Humble—Aroused, more! freedom, dignity—but but Lawful—and above all, Well-Groomed, through lawful means! Neat and Clean! Like him . . . and him ... Tess, stay away Don't worry, "Stokely," to Stokely, I think you're Honey, , *Oh, listen to old Stokely warn you! from this man. Dr. King. I'm you, baby. wrong about Dr. King. let me I'm sure these words will make you think. He's no good with you. But Let's take And I think you are give you White men extol you for you, and I do think a walk. being unfair to a lot the real Just to control you! he's no good Mr. Carmichael of white people. After story For. . . all, they've contributed about A white man is a two-time Fink! a lot of money to our white Yes, a white man is a two-time Fink! cause. people . .

1. Of course, there's some truth in what Baby, the world isn't Who's My supporters and Sound the drums, you say, Stokely, and Dr. King is as as simple as black "WE", I ... Oh, here All stand clear... much aware of all this as you. Still, and white. And when Stokely? comes one of my The man I call he maintains that there are good whites WE get through, strongest allies, now "Mr. Wonderful" is here! as well as bad whites, just as there there are going to be are good blacks as well as bad ones. a lot of changes made! «sgr- ^^'^yT^^y^U, • ">-?&&<**< Tess, I'd like You Muhammad AM Tell me, you to meet the must be is the name. Mr. Ali— I believe the black man must assert Heavyweight Cassius Poetry and Wisdom where do himself in his own way. We've taken f\ In my crowd, Champion Clay*! is my game. you fit in, enough guff from white men like Lyndon «• Joe Louis of the World. in all this? Johnson, Everett Dirksen and Joe Louis! R?| is white!

i_r Oh, nothing can stop us! Oh, we'll have plenty of justice, Tess, I've been looking all over Tess, don't go on Yes, justice is what we all crave. for you. The bus is ready to take another meaningless, We'll... have our land, We'll all be free! us on our Freedom Ride to hymn-singing march We'll help our folks We'll segregate! Alabama. And when we get with those Uncle From the cradle until We'll have white slaves!! there, we'll make a glorious Toms! What will you The grave. three-day march through the accomplish? Come with countryside. Come on. The me, baby! I'll show Civil Rights people are ready. you some real action! So are the Church People. •~23U S^**7U>y^ - Well, what knew this would happen once •There's a bus that's pulling There are roads for us to do you say, you let those fellows fill you O-out for the South; March on in the Sou-outh; Gee, I don't know, Dr. Tess? Are with your poison. Forget them, Ride with me. March with me. King. I mean, I want to * you riding Tess. Ride with me. It will be We will demonstrate, We'll sing hymns so great, go with you ... only with us? inspiring—and it will be fun. Sister. Sister. I'm sort of confused about things now.

^mmmmmmmm We'll go down forbidden streets there in the heart of old Al-a-bam'. u Ride and march with us, Hymn-singing! Camping! Cooking out! And through Selma we'll go trippin', we'll go a-skippin', We'll pitch camps, Ping-pong! Now, THAT'S my idea of With dogs a-nippin' upon each gam. And we'll cook out, real fun! Tess, give up these squares. We'll march there with all our people, so proud that we are dark, Come along, come alo-o-ong. They're getting nowhere with their You'll love the route I've chosen, and just supposin' TV? legal marches and peaceful We get a hosin' from Sheriff Jim Clark. demonstrations. They don't see the handwriting on the wall. But I see it. And I want YOU to see it, too ...

"Tess ... Black Power's "in" right now! It is! It is Stokelv ... I'm on your side now! I am! I am! Sitting-in, and Kneeling-in, And you must arm and march and hate with us . And I am plannin' to join forces with and Lying-in and Dying-in! And not King's herds. You 'cause you swing. We're ... the new U. S. Mau-Mau! And how! Moderation's square somehow! But, wow! A Berkeley "Curse-in's" set next week ... With you I'm going! You hear me saying? Tess ... •I'm with you, Stokely! We've found new words. With you I'm going! Here I'm not staying! I got you now! 3 I'm with you, Stokely! Oh, Tess! Oh, Tess, that "Brotherhood" bit mess Stokely ... I'm on your side now; s for the birds. Now and forever.

pfr Sung to the tune of "Bess, You Is My Woman Now" T WT Well, Stokely promised me he'd show me some action and there's been plenty of action all right! Gosh, I've lost all track of time. Let's see ... I joined his movement in the Winter, I've been with him all Spring, and now... could it be? Yes, I do believe it's Summer. And Summer means only one thing ..

Since early morning ... *Riottime... Stokely, I'm not su The folks have been out there looting. And I'm here in Watts County. I made the right move They've picked Woolworth's clean, Heads are cracking, and the tempers are high after all—leaving Dr. now to Sears they will fly. Oh, the troops have come King and coming with Someone exploded And we're all dodging bullets ... you. Look what's A big bomb in Watts County ... A bottle just hit me happening. All that Oops, there goes Watts County l-in theey-ye! violence.' And think Fly-ing by-y! of the white reaction to all of this!

* Reprise—Sung to the tune of

*Tess ... Black Power's still "in" now! It is! It is! Stoke ... Black Pow'r made "Backlash" grow! And we must arm and march and hate, we two, It did! It did! Just like before. And while we arm and march and hate, some whites To ... the white folks we won't bow, I vow! Are getting sore! Forget the battles of the past... Take . .. those Poles in Cicero! Oh, oh! Now, Total War! I'm so confused now! You hear me saying? Oh, Tessl Oh, Tess, we just made Watts a mess- You got me mixed up! Should I be staying? Next, Bal-ti-more!! Stokely, "Blacklash" hurts us so! What's your next move now?

SHA

.dgjgg>S: ^•Reprise—Sung to the tune of "Bess, You Is My Woman Now"|^ "U Oh, Dr. King. I came to That's something you'll It's *No, it's not necessarily Stoke! r_T Now, Stokely, he said "I command!' see you because I'm more have to decide for yourself. not It's not necessarily Stoke. Yes, Stokely, he said "I command!" bewildered than ever. I know I'm trying to do neces Since he's been out leading And then he just laughed hard Which direction should we things the right way! If it's sarily There's been lots of bleeding! As he burned his Draft Card! move in? Who is the best not me, maybe it's someone Stoke? It's not necessarily Stoke! jl That's no way to lead in this land. leader for our people? else. But it's not necessarily Stoke!

Now Jackie was great with a bat! Yes, Jackie was great with a bat! All right! So And he hit that ball sweet- those men may But now he's on Wall Street! not be quite We should get a good democrat! right! Just don't forget . . .

It's not necessarily Stoke! It's not necessarily Stoke! No, him you can't trust in! Just ask Bayard Rustin! Oh, it's not necessarily Stoke!

Don't quit! Just keep punchin'! Why not call Ralph Bunche in? They say he's quite a whiz. Or try Sammy Davis; Perhaps he can save us! If not, well-that's Show Biz!

Say, I've Well, Adam is on the right track, King's willing to It's not nece— lead Negro folk! ^a*i got it! But is he the one I should back? But if you still don't Not nece—Not nece—Not nece— How about When Negroes are light men think I'm the right man, Not necessarily Stoke! Adam They're passing for white men, please don't forget— Clayton But Adam is passing for black! Powell? DON MARTIN DEPT. PART I ONE EVENING AT HOME

Hi, Mom . . . Dad! Guess what!? I've been watching these worms multiply!

jrw«ww "Hey, Overlook Mel LOCALE COLOR DEPT. A PORTFOLIO OF

BRI.AIN ST ORITZ

SAN^= RANCISCO

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o. O o ^y <^ PAIN aicra HOtfeAND

12 P/SA I EXAEX' S wum§MWRITTEN AN D DESIGNED BY: MAX BRANDEL '••\L/"\B/"

PITT BrhRLIN

LAS VEG FL RIDA

enice 13 BIG LYNDON FAMOUS FUNNIES DEPT. THE COUNTRY IS WE'RE TRY|N0, QETTIfS' TIREP OF SIR--BUT THEY Eight years ago, MAD came up with ALL THIS FISHTlN'f WON'T EVEN a great idea—namely that Newspaper WE'VE JUST GOTTA ANSWER OUR Syndicates might do well to create Comic Strips based on real people! Naturally, like most of the great ideas in MAD, it was completely ignored! Well, we still think it's a great idea — and even though we know we'll be ignored again, here's a brand new, up-to-date-selection of

THE BEAUTIFUL BURTONS DO YOU HAVE A TABLE FOR RIGHT jffl THE DISTINGUISHED ACTOR, THIS ^ Comic RICHARD BURTON, AND HIS WAY, f/\R. GLAMOROUS ACTRESS WIFE, 6UR Strip ELIZABETH P Heroes TAKEN FROM REAL LIFE

HEFNER AND HIS PALS T_ TRUST YC?U'VS ALL fZSAC? A\Y 8&-PA&G MEA\OJ?ANPUA\ CPN PUTTING MORE INTgLL-g£TUAL AAATgglAL tNTC> " PLAY0CY".', ANY (TORMENTS- ?

ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER : FRANK JACOBS **Tea For Three

EXCUSE US, ) (FOR THE LOVE N\R. AND WRS. *—£ OF HEAVEN/ BURTON ! COULD )_CAN'T A COUPLE WE PLEASE HAVE '>. HAVE ANY YOUR AUTOGRAPHS! J PRIVACY AROUND HERE!?

WELL , HEF, I REALLY ) ... ANP MAK/N

~~YOU ARE EVEN \ GREATER THAN I NAPOLEON / J~~

BOBBY DYLAN AND HIS GUITAR SOS.YCUR "PROTEST SONGS T 5URE AM '• I'M WORKIN' UP AN BUT, 30& ! THEIR. 60N&'? \ 5HliCK1>, FOR MIGRANT GAR&A&EMeN" ALBUM OF COLE PORTER. RICHARC AR£ MELOPIC ANC? I I'M NOT ALBUM IS SELLING LIKE CRAZY* ROPtSERZ, GEOR&E &ER+HW/N BNTOYA&LE ! WHY PO I GLORIFYlN' ANC? IRVING BERLIN! YOU WANT TO GLORIFY / THEM

~~LOVELY LIBERACE~~

w OF COURSE, NO/ABSOLUTELY NOT/ VI SIMPLY THE 6REEN I COULDN'T POSSIBLY ' MUST HAVE YES, r KNOW SEQUINS IS WEAR IT/ IT WOULD BE . THE BLACK I'M YOUR ONLY MINE / CUSTOMER WITH COMPLETELY OUT OF/I SEQUINS/ SEQUINS SUITS/, PLACE "

~~16 BARBRA, THE BELTER WHAT PIP Z SAY?~~

~~"I'd love teaming up with you, Ringo, but I have a feeling the Public might not be able to tell us apart!"~~

~~CASSIUS CLAY, HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP~~

~~17 ACKNOWLEDGE-MINT DEPT. ANNOUNCING THE MAD PLAN WHICH LETS US~~

WHERE OUR TAARTIST: JACKX RICKAR D THE NEXT TWELVE FEET OF THIS SUPER HIGHWAY IS PRESENTED TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC THROUGH THE COURTESY AND PAID-UP INCOME TAXES OF: MISS GLORIA GLINK 429 POTRZEBIE RD. UPPER PLATE, MO.

Hello? Mrs. Gladys Storch of 214 Mulberry Street, Canton, Ohio? This is the President of the United States. I just called to thank you for my salary for today. I'll do my best to see that you get your money's worth ...

~~THE UNITED NATIONS GENERAL ASSEMBLY Confidential Inter-Government Memo TO: The U.S.S.R. FROM: The U.S.A. SUBJECT: Delinquent U.N. Dues~~

Once again, we find it necessary to remind you to bring your United Nations Dues Payments up to date. Quincy Hunsucker, Herman Moogle, Myra Marsh, Sandy Koufax, Mr. and Mrs. Sean O'Flynn, The Fleegle Fishing and Frugging Club, Edsel Zilch, Zelda Buttress, Ralph Mercier, George Cummings, J. F. Forbes, Henrietta Bulb's Baby-Sitting Service, Rickie Herman, Laura Mistylight, Roberto's Beauty Parlor, Abe's Station Newsstand, Roland J. Klonk, Elizabeth Taylor and All The Employees of The Frivolous Frock Dress Company are running out of patience. They resent the fact that they are paying more than their share of the cost of running this World Organization. Please attend to this matter immediately.

~~Sincerely yours,~~

Arthur J. Goldberg U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Do you find it annoying to pay Income Taxes... to have TAXPAYERS KNOW EXACTLY. all that money disappear... and never really know what it is used for? Well, now MAD proudly unveils a plan which lets you know exactly where your Tax Dollar has gone. Unlike the present system, your Tax does not go in to the U.S. Treasury. It goes into a cookie jar—with your name, and the exact amount written on it. Then, when the Government wants to purchase something, the person who paid in that exact amount in taxes (or the closest to it) in effect, buys the article for "Uncle Sam," and the credit can be given to that individual as follows: WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO

So far, on this tour of The White House, folks, you've seen the George In the name of Equal Justice ... Washington Room, the Abraham Lincoln Room, and the Teddy Roosevelt Room. In the name of Constitutional Law Now we come to the New Wing, and the Silvia Goldfarb Room ... with the . . . and mainly in the name of Tony Glick Canopy Bed, the Kate Reilly Chaise Lounge, the Warren Hull Penelope Pooperdink, today's Crystal Chandelier, and the Seven Santini Brothers Oriental Rug... session of this Federal District I Court is now in order. . . Mr. Jones, my name is Jackson—Department of Agriculture. Since we have a surplus of wheat, I have been authorized by a little old lady schoolteacher—Mrs. Emily Prune—to pay you not to grow any this year. She did suggest, however, that since you'll have nothing to do, you might come in and help her with her housework a couple of times a week . . . HALT! YOU ARE NOW ENTERING THE AMERICAN SECTOR. SHOW YOUR CREDENTIALS. %fcffi

F.B.I. OFFICIAL IDENTIFICATION CARD This is to certify that ERSKINE ZIMBALIST is a duly trained and authorized Agent for the Federal Bureau of Investigation (Thanks to Sid and Flo Plotzman, whose Income Taxes are paying his salary!)

~~•We Shall Overthrow JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART I~~

21 "I'm Gonna Live TIM I Croak HOMEBODY-BUILDING DEPT. ONCE UPON A TIME...BEFORE . . . there were plenty of vacant sandlots available if you Today, buildings have filled the vacant lots and the only wanted to get a gang together and play a little baseball. baseball you can enjoy is what's broadcast on television.

~~Illll lillftllgVV IflllBlllBJI •IffiAlllftHR~~

~~•!UJ-i~~

~~. bays and rivers were practically devoid of boaters. Today, these bays and rivers are as crowded as highways.~~

~~THAT'S WHY SMART SPORTING EQUIPMENT~~

For the sandlot baseball player, there are plastic bats For the golfer, special clubs, balls, cups, etc. are now and the "whiffle ball" for playing the game in the house. available for enjoying the game on the living room rug. 'Mack, The Fork THE POPULATION EXPLOSION...... there were numerous golf courses available to anyone Today, the few golf courses that haven't been covered by who wanted to pursue that little white ball for 18 holes. housing developments are jammed beyond their capacities.

~~£&%<$ MANUFACTURERS ARE SLOWLY BRINGING~~

~~ARTIST & WRITER: AL JAFFEE~~

For the boating enthusiast, there are rowing machines for For the cyclist, the "Exercycle" eliminates the hazard of enjoying the exercise and thrills of this sport at home. traffic jammed highways, and permits bike riding indoors. A MAD LOOK AT SOME FUTURE

~~SWIMMING SKIN DIVING~~

Suspended with counterweights over small, plastic-lined Skin Diving buff will wear water-filled plastic bubble to indoor pool, swimming enthusiast will be able to perform simulate underwater effect while drifting around room and any stroke he feels like, except maybe perhaps sunstroke. spearing plastic fish . . . or real fish, for authenticity. SKY DIVING TOBOGGANING

Sky Diver is held aloft in "free fall" by powerful jet of Scenery rushes blindly by as toboggan tilts and turns on air. When buzzer sounds, he pulls rip-cord of tiny chute its axis. Realism is added when team makes a wrong turn— and gently lands as the air jet slowly turns itself off. and is violently ejected from sled by special mechanism. POLE VAULTING HURDLE RACING

Special pole with enclosed tension spring eliminates need Hurdles rush at racer on endless treadmill. The faster he for 20-foot headroom. "Jump-Meter" registers pressure on runs, the faster the belt moves. Special control, set for spring and reports equivalent height to an "outdoor jump." length of race, automatically stops belt and reports time. 24 OUTDOOR SPORTS-IIMDOORS"

~~WATER SKIING FANCY DIVING~~

Water Skiing thrills are recreated by skis mounted upon Diving fan can try any fancy dive he chooses, knowing the wobbling base while machine yanks on tow rope and sprays support will stop him in time and the automatic timer will salt water into the face of the eager skiing enthusiast. pull him back onto board for another try before he drowns. DEEP SEA FISHING HORSEBACK RIDING

Fisherman gets almost exactly the same thrill as the real Mechanical horse can be set to perform any action of real thing as he sits in fighting chair and machine works line horse, including walk, trot, canter, gallop and buck. All following pre-set instructions as to what type fish is on. this — without certain unpleasant aspects of real horses!

~~BROAD-JUMPING ATHLETE'S FOOT~~

As broad-jumper leaps, special restraining spring keeps For those who want to add vital realism and atmosphere to him from going too far. This gadget also has "Jump-Meter" Outdoor Sports — Indoors, here's a fungus-covered plastic that registers how far he would have jumped out-of-doors. foot that walks around exercise area just like real ones. 25 POE-MORTEM DEPT.

Unce upon a weeknight dreary, While I stared with vision bleary At my Zenith TV that I bought on time at Gimbel's store- While I sat with eyelids burning, Suddenly I was discerning That some shows were not returning—shows I'd seen just weeks before. "What goes on," I wondered, "with these shows I saw just weeks before? Are they gone for evermore?"

~~ARTIST: BRUCE STARK~~

I hereupon I said, "Dear Rating, I have sat here, watching, waiting For those splendid prime-time programs that premiered in weeks of yore; Though I've twisted knob and dial, I don't see Jean Arthur's smile; Will she get another trial? Will she come back with a roar? Tell me, please, O Wondrous Rating, that she'll come back with a roar!" Quoth the Rating, "Nevermore."

Wh en I heard his words so gloomy, Waves of sorrow ran right through me; Still I hoped he might say something that would make my spirits soar; So I asked, in expectation, "What of Tammy Grimes' salvation? Surely she's just on vacation and will win new praise galore; Let me hear, O Mighty Rating, that she'll win new praise galore!" Quoth the Rating, "Nevermore."

~~26 With apologies to Edgar Allan Poe~~

As I spoke, the screen grew dimmer And I caught the first faint glimmer Of a strange, fantastic creature that my eyes could not ignore; Short and round and roly-poly, He was made of numbers wholly! "Gosh!", I shouted, "Holy Moley! What are all those numbers for?" "Hush!", he spoke, "and I will tell you what my numbers all are for— "I'm a Rating, nothing more."

~~WRITER: FRANK JACOBS~~

Cjlum I was and pessimistic From his words so fatalistic; How I wished some note of hope would from his gloomy lips outpour! But I knew no hope existed, So, in sadness, I persisted; "Are there any others listed for your bleak and barren shore? "Tell me, O Great Rating, who is destined for your barren shore! Quoth the Rating, "Garry Moore."

~~27 "The Precipitation In Portugal Pelts Primarily On The Plateau BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPT. X xlrv~~

~~"Give My Regards To The Avenue Of The Americas~~

Boy, that Aunt Bernice of And my brother, Marty, is the And my Uncle Lou! Yep! You WHAT!? WHO ASKED YOU?? mine is really something! world's biggest moocher! He's He's another gem! certainly WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU'RE She's the kind who builds always looking for something Always mixed up come from AN OUTSIDER! YOU ONLY herself up by knocking for nothing! And my cousin, in one shady deal one crummy MARRIED INTO MY FAMILY! down everyone else! Francis, is constantly coming or another . .. family!! HOW DARE YOU TALK LIKE over to gossip about the rest THAT ABOUT MY RELATIVES!! of the family! I'll bet when she leaves here, she gossips about us!

When I was very young, my So I decided to win their Now I have wealth and ... except my brothers and M brothers and sisters and love and respect by working status and the whole sisters and aunts and uncles! aunts and uncles thought very hard and becoming rich world respects me ... THEY DESPISEME! I was a big nothing! and successful! And . . . V"r; son-of a gun ... I DID IT! The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of Shotguns

~~RELATIVEWRITER*. ARTIST: DAVID BERG S~~

My Bernard Big deal! Very funny! It How can there be What came home My Mitchel might interest any hope for peace neighbors!? with a 90 came home you to know my between nations They're in Science! with a 96! Billy was chosen when there's such SISTERS!! 9 Valedictorian of bitter rivalry just his Graduating [between neighbors? Class! Got a smart retort on that?!

Hmmmm! Your pulse Let's see—you have no Better stay on tea and toast You do like he says! When is a little high! temperature! You say for the next 24 hours! You it comes to medicine, he your stomach is upset? should be feeling better knows what he's talking by then! about! After all, his brother-in-law is a doctor!

Daddy, he's been watching the Whaddya mean she's right!? What kind of a wishy-washy decision I guess you're right! TV programs he wanted to watch Last night, she watched all is that!? How can they both be right? all night! Now, I wanna watch the TV programs she wanted You're supposed to be a strong father- a TV program and he won't let to watch! So shouldn't it image to these kids instead of coming V me! Shouldn't it be my turn be my turn tonight?? across as a weak, indecisive nothing! to choose?? Shouldn't you take a stand and stick to it?? Hey, "Newlywed" I Huh? But I thought you said I'm finding out that when you How's it going? L you were marrying the most marry the most wonderful girl J- I wonderful girl in the world! in the world, you marry her whole rotten family as well!

I want to warn you I'll say So this is my new Nephews Ha-ha! I like that "new" about Uncle Max! He's I do! Welcome to our marvelous Uncle! Listen, "new" Nephew! an obnoxious braggart! And I'll family! And welcome to my I've been bragging to everyone According to him, his enjoy luxurious home, which is about what a wonderful man my is always the best— cutting the most expensive and the niece found for herself, and his things, his family him down most beautiful home in the about how much he's accomplished —you know the type! to size! entire neighborhood! in his young life, and about- V

Well, I can't 'm a product of the personality Boy, did that kid That's exactly what help it! It's characteristics that have been just put you ir I mean! He's just heredity! passed on to me! I didn't choose your place! like his Mother! them! You are actually more responsible for what I am than I— by giving me life! So why condemn something I had no control over!? Listen, Don't "brother" According to the Bible, Is that so? Well, then, if According to the Bible, I brother- me! I'm not we are all brothers! I'm your brother, how about am not my brother's keeper! your brother! lending me five bucks?

*S-S-S-Selma

What are you Oh-oh! Here comes that pesky, Hey, we'd better slow TALKING about? tag-along kid brother of mine! down ... or he'll never Your Uncle Max Now he's gonna follow us around catch up with us! is a GREAT GUY!! all day! I can't stand it when •••'• he does that! Let's run and hide! MINI-HA-HA'S DEPT. Recognize the picture at the left? It's a scene from the movie, "Fantastic Voyage." In the film, a team of tiny, miniaturized, molecule-sized men and women enter the bloodstream of a scientist to destroy a blood clot on his brain. Ridiculous? You FANTASTIC ARTIST: JACK DAVIS

SOMEWHERE, DEEP INSIDE, WERE HER LOST OUTNUMBERED TWO MILLION TO ONE, HE FOUGHT THEM! HOUSE-KEYS! WOULD THE LITTLE BAND DARE TO He Crushed Them He Blasted Them He Destroyed Them ENTER THE DARK ABYSS? On The Scalp! Between The Hairs! On The Follicles! ... AND YET THE CURSED FLAKES REFUSED TO DIE! JOURNEY TO THE BOTTOM SEE OF A WOMAN'S PURSE OPERATION DANDRUFF

~~UNKNOWN DANGERS LURKED EVERYWHERE!~~

~~The Lethal LIPSTICK— The Dreaded HAIRPIN- that turned their skin with its twin spikes a strange sick color! of certain death!~~

The Deadly COMPACT- The Grotesque KLEENEX- belching huge clouds of wad after wad after wad WITH of wet, impassable gook! choking lethal pink dust! Rex • BARBER • CURL •LOCKS • HAIRY* Perry • Michael HAIRISON Stanwyck Maiden Barker Carey, Jr. COMB WILDROOT PLUS! COUNTLESS HORRORS NEVER BEFORE SEEN BY MAN! I "Should make plenty B.O. "Stands head and shoulders < WITH ScratchV'-VARIETY above the others!"-TIME Rita TABU Evelyn GUM Hunter KEYS & "The best part is in 'tiM middle!"-NEWSWEEK DON'T REVEAL THE INCREDIBLE ENDING TO YOUR FRIENDS!

32 bet! After all, how many scientists do you know with blood clots on the brain? Why didn't the producers put their tiny, pre-shrunk people to work solving the problems of everyday folks? Problems that common clods like us can identify with! Here are: BASED ON EVERYDAY VOYAGES EXPERIENCES

~~WRITER: FRANK JACOBS~~

They Plunged Into A World of Stagnant, Murky Horror! The Special "Key" was lost! And the Opener METRO-GOLDWYN-MIRE Wouldn't work! Could they do the Job in Time? presents STARRING: Descent Into THE GREAT re < SARDINE fl Clogged Eddie FISHER CAN OPENING Sink-Trap

~~And at the bottom lay the most terrible peril of all: CESSPOOL SUCTION! WITH ANCHOVY Newly Christopher • Tammy • FATS • Greta • PIPE~~

GRIME Domino GARBAGE Laurie Produced by Written by Directed by Narrated by Music by Newton ( Virgil Alfred I Robert Q Victor and in their first movie roles: The TRAP Family Singers MINNOW PERCH FISHCAKE TROUT PORGY

33 Their Path Was Their Mission Was And Everywhere They Blocked By A Threatened By An Turned . . . The Same GIANT BUNION! INFLAMED CUTICLE! iPf^^M^T OVERPOWERING SMELL! STILL THEY MARCHED ON TO RELIEVE THE PAIN! J. Arthur Reek presents: AFAR TO AN MNI

~~S T A R R I N G f©iNAfllL Maria Art Victor Frederic Howard INGROWN Maximilian Patricia CALLOUS CORNY BUNION ARCH HEEL Stevens SCHOLL & NAIL~~

~~FEATURING THE TITLE SONG: "I Went Right Up And Kissed Her On That Big Enormous Blister!"~~

~~"What Do They Do On A Rainy Night In Jersey City~~

THEY WERE WILLING TO DIE-SO THE TELEPHONE OPERATOR WOULD NOT RETURN THE DIME! THERE WAS ONLY ONE WAY TO GET IT BACK! CALL IN... THAT AN ENGINE MIGHT LIVE! Auto Preminger Thrills! THE PAY- presents: PHONE VOYAGE MIKE ... who nearly blew a AVENGERS gasket, and the job, when he lost his bearings! TO A -AS THE PAY PHONE AVENGERS OUTWIT A VALVE GIANT SLUG! JOB Suspense! ANN ... who shocked the others when she strayed too near a hot sparkplug!

~~-AS DR. FAVERSHAM ENDURES THE DREADED DR.YERBY...whowas BUSY SIGNAL! shot out of the tailpipe, and ended up exhausted! Intrigue!~~

~~SIDNEY... who strained himself exploring the -AS CROSSED WIRES carburetor air-cleaner! RESULT IN A STRANGE S T A R R I N G : WRONG NUMBER!~~

Deborah „ ROD Vittorio OIL FILTER Alexander WITH CAR Taylor GASPUMP * Holliman * Foster * KNOCKS Barbara Franchot DIAL Michael BELL RINGO "Hits A New High In Thrills, Adventure and Grease-Packing!" NICKEL * TONE * Bettger * COIN * Barth Starr -Road & Track Based on Story by BOOTH TARKINGTON Directed by CALL FOREMAN DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II THE SMARTEST APE IN CAPTIVITY ^\.

~~^V/?« A V N XV^K^^^I^ /"Vl r\ -\\ MILLINARY PARADE DEPT. Every Easter, we're treated to (and nauseated by) the wild Easter Bonnets women celebrities~~

~~—~— ^EASTER~~

~~THE MARTIN Boater THE JOHNSON THE KOUFAX Cloche Turban~~

THE CASSIUS Chignon THE MacNAMARA THE HEFNER 36 Floradora Tarn wear. Just for a change, what we'd really like to see are these ... WRITTEN AND PRODUCED BY MAX BRANDEL DESIGNED FOR MALE BONNETS CELEBRITIES

~~^%, -^H~~

~~THE GLENN Toque THE HOPE THE FIDEL Bandeau Shlyapa~~

~~THE WARREN THE CHAMBERLAIN Diadem Straw THE GOLDBERG 37 'Love Letters In The Cement Topper JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART II~~

38 PAST AND UNPLEASANT DEPT. Why wait around a thousand years for Man to make it so miserable for some gentle, harmless species of animal that it finally becomes extinct? See it happening today—right in your own town—your own neighborhood! Yes, Man, with his inherent qualities of greed and sloth, is fouling up the simple social orders to such an extent that even some Human types are actually becoming extinct. You'll see what we mean as we now present some excerpts from ... THE MAD GUIDEBOOK TO VANISHING HUMAN TYPES AND THEIR MODERN REPLACEMENTS

~~ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: ELIZABETH WRIGHT, JR. THE INEXPENSIVE HANDYMAN THE SPECIALIZED SERVICE TECHNICIAN (Fixit Domesticus) (Con Jobus Maximus)~~

~~NATURAL HABITAT~~

The "Fix-Up-And-Make-Do" Inexpensive Handyman was usu NATURAL HABITAT ally spotted in a cluttered-up little shop, knee-deep in broken vacuum cleaners, pop-up toasters, electric fans and clocks. The modern "Fast-Buck" Service Technician is usually found on a job with his head buried in a copy of "Playboy" while RECOGNIZABLE FEATURES being paid by the hour—or, if he is self-employed, boxing He was easily identified by the pencil behind his ear, the several supposedly "defective" parts he's removed from one screwdriver jutting out of his bulging pockets, and the old appliance—to be installed as "new" when servicing another. oil-stained overalls upon which he wiped his greasy hands. RECOGNIZABLE FEATURES CHARACTER TRAITS He is easily identified by the bill he presents containing He was known to take a modest pride in his ability to save illegibly-scrawled double-talk and a huge "Service Charge". a customer money by improvising a part to replace the one no longer made for an out-moded but well-built appliance. CHARACTER TRAITS USUALLY HEARD SAYING: He is known to talk like an expert on sports, politics and world affairs (—or anything but his own field!) to keep a "Shucks, I should pay YOU for giving me a chance to work customer from asking questions he really couldn't answer. on this wonderful old thing. A buck-and-a-half is plenty!" USUALLY HEARD SAYING: The "INEXPENSIVE HANDYMAN" is rapidly being replaced by: "It's in pretty bad shape! It's gotta go back to the shop!" 39 THE OLD-FASHIONED GRANDMOTHER THE FACE-LIFTED DOWAGER (Nana Affectionatus) (Haggus Neuroticus)

NATURAL HABITAT NATURAL HABITAT The Modern Grandmother is usually found at resorts, bingo Tne gentle Old-Fashioned Grandmother was most often seen parlors or bars . . . any place but her home. Does not like near a stove, producing a variety of now-extinct foods- to be seen with children who might call her "Grandma" or like fluffy home-made bread, fried chicken and gooey apple "Nana" or anything else that would disclose her real age. pie—all of which she was fond of sharing with young folks. RECOGNIZABLE FEATURES RECOGNIZABLE FEATURES She is easily identified by her scrawny, emaciated figure The "Granny" was easily identified by her billowing figure, —the results of eating low-calorie, diet-fad foods—and her neat hair pulled back in a bun, her wrinkled face- her brilliantly colored and styled hair, which looks as if free of greasy make-up, and her huge clean flowered apron. she's just left a Beauty Parlor—which, of course, she has. CHARACTER TRAITS CHARACTER TRAITS She was never known to panic in an emergency; she believed She is known to panic and become unstrung whenever she is that a woman's place was in the home; and she devoted her visited by grandchildren, resorting to tranquilizers until life to caring for her one mate—"THE RESPECTED GRANDPA". they leave. She often survives her mate, who is so bugged USUALLY HEARD SAYING: by her incessant nagging demands that he finally kicks off, "Come in! I'm happy to see you! Have some Chicken Soup!" leaving the huge insurance policy she now lives it up on. USUALLY HEARD SAYING: The "OLD-FASHIONED GRANNY" is rapidly being replaced by: "Do you know, they think my daughter and I are Sisters?"

~~THE G.P. FAMILY DOCTOR THE UNAPPROACHABLE SPECIALIST (Servum Infirmus) (Prestigius et Wealthum)~~

NATURAL HABITAT NATURAL HABITAT If the genial General Practitioner was not out on a house- The modern Specialist is most often found on golf courses, call, he was always found keeping long hours in his office. in banks, in courts, defending himself against malpractice RECOGNIZABLE FEATURES suits, or at meetings organized to fight against Medicare. He was easily identified by his wrinkled suit, which often RECOGNIZABLE FEATURES looked as though it had been slept in—which it had—and a He is easily identified roosting in his sterile glass-and- look of deep concern for his patients—which he also had. steel medical suite where strict office hours are observed. CHARACTER TRAITS CHARACTER TRAITS He was known to take his Hippocratic Oath seriously, to He displays a never-waivering faith in the rallying-powers know the medical history of each member of the family, and of the sick and injured by continuing to insist that they to call patients several times a day to check on progress. make their way to his office during "hours," and there to USUALLY HEARD SAYING: wait for him . . . and wait. . . and wait. . . and die waiting. "Please don't worry about it! You'll pay me when you can!" USUALLY HEARD SAYING: "Take two aspirins, drink plenty of liquids, stay in bed, The "G.P. FAMILY DOCTOR" is being rapidly replaced by... and call me in about a week if you don't feel any better!" THE SWEET LITTLE KID THE SPOILED BRAT (Cutus Tykus) (Obnoxious Horribilis)

NATURAL HABITAT The Sweet Little Kid was usually found running down to the Grocery Store for his mother or washing the family car for NATURAL HABITAT his father or helping some poor old lady cross the street. He is easily identified by his mean, nasty expression and RECOGNIZABLE FEATURES his habit of spitting at anyone who mentions good manners. He was easily identified by that brave, bright smile he'd always display, despite adversities—and his neat, combed, RECOGNIZABLE FEATURES scrubbed appearance, despite his family's financial status. The modern obnoxious Spoiled Brat can often be seen on the Living Room floor, kicking and screaming and having one of CHARACTER TRAITS his typical temper tantrums when he's not getting his way. He was know to show a deep sense of gratitude when taken to the Circus once a year or treated to a Malt—addressing CHARACTER TRAITS grown-ups with such now-extinct words as "Sir" and "Ma'am". He not only accepts money, but takes it without asking—is happiest when snitching on someone or kicking crutches out USUALLY HEARD SAYING: from cripples—and has never been known to say "Thank You". 'Wo, thank you! I couldn't take money for doing a favor!" USUALLY HEARD SAYING: The "SWEET LITTLE KID" is rapidly being replaced by... "You mean this junk is ALL I'm getting for my Birthday?"

~~'There's No Business like The Used Car Business~~

~~THE EFFICIENT SALESPERSON THE INDIFFERENT CLOCKWATCHER (Customerus Semper Rightius) (Ignorus Et Non Cooperativus)~~

NATURAL HABITAT The eager, courteous Efficient Salesperson could always be found at her counter, helping a confused customer, or back NATURAL HABITAT in the stock room, checking on what is and isn't available. The modern Indifferent Clockwatcher can usually be spotted RECOGNIZABLE FEATURES gathered in clumps behind counters, gossiping and giggling. She was easily identified by a warm smile and an immediate RECOGNIZABLE FEATURES willingness to acknowledge the customer's obvious presence. She is easily identified by the back of her head, which is CHARACTER TRAITS quickly turned toward you if she sees you looking for her. She was known for her honest attempts to meet a customer's CHARACTER TRAITS needs and price range, and if a product proved faulty, she She is known to adhere to some honor-bound code to impart would show concern and personally see to it that the item no information whatsoever about merchandise, to possess an was immediately replaced or the price cheerfully refunded. ability to make every customer who approaches feel like an USUALLY HEARD SAYING: intruder upon her privacy, and to move at an irritatingly "Don't buy it today! We're having a sale on it Saturday!" slow pace, especially when a parking meter is ticking low. USUALLY HEARD SAYING: The "EFFICIENT SALESPERSON" is being rapidly replaced by: "Sorry, it's not my department!" or "I'm on my lunch hour!" **l Feel Pretty Ugly DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III

~~IN THE~~

SHwiK:^HWiKA SWK SHHHSK-SHASHWK- ^SHW/KA SHW\IC- SHASH SHAK! "This Must Be Love Because I Feel So Sick CAUSTIC AGENTS DEPT. Well, let's see. We have "Super" Secret Agents, like James Bond... and then we have "Stupid" Secret Agents, like Maxwell Smart. So what's left? How about Se cret Agents who don't do anything but talk? Oh? You say you don't think the idea will work? Then you haven't caught the TV series that opens each week like this: This is Louise LaFlesche, Scooty, please! Let We just Idiot! It's me get the plot out intercepted in English! the West's most important That's awful! As you know I'm an of the way before this Atomic Physicist! The Looks to me expert in 20 languages! you start with your message! Chinese Reds have kidnapped like they Unfortunately, they're all time-wasting, clever Read it! No wonder! Got her, and they've completely should have DEAD languages! Hmmm! I remarks! any messages brainwashed her! dry-cleaned don't seem to be able to in Sanscrit— her! translate this one! or Swahili?

1 r | It says that Miss LaFlesche will be in But he When he's asleep wonder why the It's obvious! j Hong Kong to attend the International is awake! he hangs a Chief picked US We're smart! We've I Convention of Atomic Physicists! It's "Do Not Disturb" got initiative! - TTTll to send on this I up to you two to get her away from the sign around secret mission? And most important— Reds! Wake up Killy, and take off! his neck! And now, would you care to join us in that ay over there?

Will AT HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS DEADLY MAD FOLD-IN KILLER Behind this tranquil Spring scene, danger lurks. A deadly killer is at work, quietly claiming one victim after another. Can you THREATENS spot him? Fold page in as shown, and you'll US ALL? find out who this insidious, unseen enemy is.

~~A^ FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT •« B FOLD BACK SO "A" MEETS "B'~~

POLICEMEN ALONE CANNOT HELP IN THE SOLUTION OF THIS PROBLEM. IT'S EVERYONE'S AFFAIR AND WE EITHER FIGHT NOW ... OR WE DIE LATER AK •4B The Super Drunk: We put one together to show you the effects of Scotch. Recently, we set the stage for another of our ridiculous MAD "Ad Satires." We went down to Skid Row and gathered up five alcohol-soaked Bums who, like the Scotch Whisky they guzzle, finally ended up on the rocks.

~~When You Indulge In Scotch To Excess You Eventually Have To PAY THE PIPER~~