Granny Mildred Lynch and Tim Buck II Esq. Partner to Buy the Mount Delusion Ski Resort in Bovina Center at the County Delinquent Property Auction

Installment II of a tweet story by @Scatoma

The Pepacton Watershed’s Premier Satirist

“I’m not a cynic, I’m a careful observer”

Mildred Lynch aka “Granny”: a retired CIA assassin who lives in rural Hamden, NY, where she raises Dorset sheep and runs embroidery and vanity press side businesses. She is a stalker whose fixation on retired NBA legend, Rik Smits is eclipsed in installment two by her simultaneous obsessions with Todd Palin and Sean Hannity. “There’s two sides to every woman,“ she explains “and each side should have a man to take care of it, preferably at the same time.“ In this second installment she partners with Tim Buck II Esq. to buy the Mount Delusion Ski resort.

Tim Buck II Esq.: An Oneonta, NY attorney who represents arrested college students in public urination and capital murder arrests. He is trying to overcome rumors he is carrying out an affair with the local DA. He claims to be a childhood friend of Paul Ruebens of Pee Wee Herman fame. He begins invoking his 1/64 Mahican ancestry and begins wearing a red Mohawk. In installment II, he buys the Mount Delusion Ski Resort with an eye towards buying out Granny Lynch, his partner, with his “hush revenue” and opening a small “1/64 Indian Casino” there called “Mahican Some”, a place for small percentage Mahicans to meet, gamble and inter-marry impulsively.

Lenny Slackjaw: a stoner SUNY Oneonta student from Long Island who discovers a vast community of politically moderate separatists headed by Moldy Stump secretly living in a labyrinth of underground tunnels beneath the mountains from Bovina Center to the Soccer Hall of Fame in Oneonta, where a secret passageway exists in a broom closet.

Moldy Thump aka “Moldy Stump”: a wealthy industrialist related to Catskill Mountain native and Robber Baron, Jay Gould. Moldy conceals his moderate political views by going incognito as “Moldy Stump” Using this alias he recruits an army of mild mannered citizens of bland habits and viewpoints to drop out of the partisan world and live underground.

The DA: A Catskill Mountain-area District Attorney who conceals his homosexuality from the voting public. He is being prodded into a future run for New York Attorney General by Vladmir, Ronnie Bobbins former PR wingman. Like Vladmir, The DA is a graduate of Yale and a member of Skull and Bones. The DA pays Tim Buck II Esq. monthly “hush revenue” to suppress public knowledge of their previous affair.

Vladmir: A Bonesman obsessed with using others to achieve world domination. Scatoma: An underachieving upstate NY writer. His only publishing credit is in an historical journal--- a short biography of an ancestor known to be The Minstrel Song King of the Nickelodean Era. Scatoma lives in a sportsman shack built too close to the river and drives a Suzuki Esteem which he tries to improve with louvers. He becomes financially indebted to Granny in installment one and is compelled to help her carry out an ill-contrived plan to promote her publishing business by convening a literary symposium at the Buckslayer Motorlodge.

Dooley: Proprietor of “Dooley’s Pizza” of Andes, NY. He is an early advertiser on Scatoma’s Twitter account. He later lobbies Scatoma to obtain a catering contract for Granny’s symposium. He is an expectant father in installment two after Donna Martin artificially inseminates herself with his genetic material.

Donna Martin: a resident of Buffalo, NY who was inspired to remain chaste after Tori Spellings’ character on 90210 of her same name does so. Donna writes an inspirational autobiography and is selected to speak at Granny’s symposium, where she bills herself as “The hottest virgin over the age 35 in America.” In installment two she moves to the Pepacton Watershed, where she plans to raise her child.

Officer Vandersomethin: An Oneonta police officer who uses night vision goggles he smuggled home from the Gulf in his underwear in ‘91 to arrest drunk college students for public urination.

Dr. Egor: A transplant doctor who replaces Granny’s middle finger with a bionic one taken from an androgynous “bisexual” prostitute android that ran amok and needed to be dismantled.

“Tantra Bea” Ledbetter : Granny’s older sister and author of two early treatises from the 1950’s on female sexual pleasure. She is called upon in installment one to present a lecture at the symposium amid Scatoma’s protest of nepotism. She is Ned’s grandmother.

Pappy: An Amish farmer of ill-repute and Don of a backyard shed empire. He is the target of government probe. His assets are seized under RICO statutes. As a result he is forced to live in exile in a land of poor soil and bleak tourism.

Juan Carlos: An illegal alien from Mexico who provides sheep shearing services to Granny. He also is Granny’s Mary Kay supplier and is a font of skin care knowledge.

Ned Ledbetter: Granny’s nephew. An aspiring TV writer who had a script optioned once. He is initially engaged in installment one to present a lecture at the symposium. Ned has more followers than Scatoma on Twitter and Scatoma derides him as a purveyor of haughty unhelpful advice.

Smidgen: A documentary filmmaker believed to be a leprechaun who Granny hires to film Winter Fest at Mt. Delusion Lodge for a reality TV pilot.

Lucy aka “Cindy” Goosey: Granny’s daughter, mother to Chuckie. She is large, strapping woman of Amazon proportions. She is a major hashish dealer in Orange County, NY. In installment one she sends Chuckie to stay with Granny for the summer after she breaks her leg.

Chuckie Goosey: Granny’s grandson. He is 6’-5” and 300lbs at 7 years-old. Chuckie’s father forges his birth certificate in installment one to make Chuckie eligible to the CFL draft. Chuckie is drafted by the Edmonton Eskimos before the scheme is revealed.

Ronnie Bobbins: An internationally known self-help author who promotes gaining wealth through cheesy lawsuits, pulchritude for men, and the elimination of sleep. In installment one he is the top headliner engaged to lecture during the symposium. He is prone to public relation gaffes, yet he has grown tired of close PR management by his “wingman“ Vladmir.

Grizzly Pete Adams: Owner of a small tour bus company. He is Grizzly Bob Adams’ twin brother. He is called upon in installment one to provide bus service to assist Granny’s enterprise.

Grizzly Bob Adams: a Vietnam veteran who provides unlicensed family therapy from a hovel on the top of Slide Mountain in the central Catskills.

AmishRage: An Amish teenager who sneaks off the farm to text, get tattoos and score with Goth chicks. Despite first-hand experience with these interesting, potential writing subjects, AmishRage is preoccupied with writing a lousy fictional work called “Dukes of Intercourse,” an Amish version of Dukes of Hazard involving rebellious horseman leaping their buggies over the state highway. He is the grandson of Pappy, the Amish shed Don. AmishRage dates a Goth chick who belongs to a punk band in Oneonta, NY called “Eliot Spitzer for President”. He becomes the band’s drummer.

Farmers Gone Soft: A radical off-shoot of Future Farmers of America. They advocate discontinuing use of farm animals for food while simultaneously preventing the animals from going extinct. In installment one the group becomes involved in protesting treatment of Pappy’s draft horse. The group’s motto is “When Animals Hate Mankind, Mankind Is Left Friendless” represented by the acronym: WAHM-MILF

Larry the Genital Wart Ad Actor: An actor hired by someone in installment one to pose as an author writing a story similar to Granny’s life in order to scare her. It is later feared that he was murdered. Like The DA and Vladmir, Larry is a member of Skull and Bones. At one point Granny believes Larry is a CIA man sent out to tighten her up.

______

Granny Mildred Lynch & Tim Buck II Esq should have done their research before partnering & buying a broken down ski resort on Mount Delusion.

Granny didn't bother reading the description of the property's liabilities carefully thinking her attorney partner had done so & signed off. The two thought they were getting a salvageable ski facility that could be restored to operational status before Christmas.

However it was clearly expressed in the auction literature that the previous owner, Moldy Thump, had destabilized the entire mountain that Moldy had been engaged in illegal mining for years in obsessive pursuit of treasure using refurbished aqueduct borer machines

And that it was unlikely engineers could ever clear the property for returned use to skiing due to the likely threat of massive cave-ins.

In fact Moldy was last seen skiing with a group of coeds in 2003 before the mountain suddenly opened up & swallowed the group into an abyss

The only witness to survive this was on acid at the time but he swore this was the one people-swallowing abyss he saw that was genuine.

It wasn’t until spring, after the snow pack was gone, that a part of Lenny Slackjaw’s story was corroborated.

A small crevasse was found beneath the ski trail, but exploration of it was prohibited by the state.

This was because a rare species of bat from Indiana had taken up residence there and it was worried that any exploration might disturb their breeding.

Lenny was pissed, said if only he could be so lucky as those bats in keeping his roommate out when he was with his girlfriends.

He girded himself to rappel down the crevasse by consuming a splendid cocktail of Native American hallucinogens.

Lenny was found by police in Oneonta emerging from a manhole. This was one week later. He was promptly taken to the hospital for evaluation.

No one believed the tale he told of an underground labyrinth, an underground world, inhabited by politically moderate separatists.

The psychiatrist scoffed. As if moderates could ever be that well organized. Lenny’s credibility was dismissed out of hand.

For a young hedonist never taken seriously, Lenny knew it would be a battle to convince the world regarding what he saw down below.

Lenny began forgoing girlfriends on Tuesdays and drug usage on Thursdays in order to conduct research. What he learned was astounding: Moldy Thump was a wealthy industrialist for sure. But his reputation on Wall St. completely belied the mild political views he held dear.

Moldy suffered certain ire from his peers for his political views & felt he needed to create an alter ego "Moldy Stump" to proceed incognito.

But Lenny learned it was more than a new identity Moldy wanted to create--he wanted to create a whole new Utopian society of moderate voters.

Moldy began to espouse that no utopia for political moderates could ever survive the influences of Fox News and MSNBC. It had to be separate.

The Utopia had to be self-sustaining & deep underground. Using his massive wealth, Moldly secretly began burrowing deep beneath Mt. Delusion.

Yeah, Lenny learned Moldy was a bit crazy, said better for people to go without sun underground than be exposed to constant partisan rancor.

But Moldy realized his paradox being so passionate about creating a world which would be devoid of such zeal driving him. It was study in Zen.

He began to visualize a community of sober, rational sorts as like a Fall festival in Mid- West celebrating the merits of unsweetened oatmeal.

And then Moldy learned a Mid-West community yearly celebrating the merits of unsweetened oatmeal did really exist. He went there to recruit.

Semi-nude female volleyball team gave Moldy a hard time about going underground. Worried about skin tone. Moldy promised spray-on tan supply.

The new landlords of Mt. Delusion, Granny Lynch and Tim Buck II Esq, didn't appreciate Lenny Slackjaw's attempts to investigate their property.

Tim Buck was still grumpy after dealing with Granny: His Mohawk still flopped over like comb of an Andalusian hen following Granny's wallop.

Granny Lynch and Tim Buck II Esq. each had different visions for the Mt. Delusion property. It was inevitable that conflict would emerge.

Coming off her "much talked about" literary symposium at the Buckslayer Motorlodge in Bainbridge, Granny foresaw the lodge as her new venue.

She foresaw winter gatherings filled with celebrity guests. . .Todd Palin whisking over the undulating terrain with her with his snowmobile.

She saw herself riding with her arms wrapped snugly around Todd's torso & behind her would be Sean Hannity, his arms wrapped snugly around her. Granny said threesomes were tiresome with one dude or no dude at all: "It's on my bucket list to do Todd and Sean anyway. 2 birds, 1 stone."

Granny said "there's two sides to every woman, and each side should have a man to take care of it, preferably at the same time."

I asked Granny why she was big on doing Hannity and not Limbaugh. She laughed like I was an idiot. "A man who needs Viagra is one thing. . .

“. . .a man who needs another man's Viagra is a whole other ball of wax. He harps on male lesbians to the point of attention to himself. . "

“Back in the day I allowed myself to be used to prop up J.Edgar's facade. Everyone had notions about J.Edgar too but were too afraid to say."

Replied to Granny: "If you're gonna be out there chasing Sean Hannity and Todd Palin now, where does that leave poor Rik Smits?"

Granny started singing," Don't look back, got a new direction. . .Rik's still part of everything I do/he's on my heart just like a tattoo."

Tim Buck II Esq, flush with two lucrative sources of hush revenue, considered himself, not Granny, the major owner of Mt. Delusion resort.

Of course Tim kept this opinion to himself, fearing it might draw another Mohawk flattening blow from Granny. He too had designs on the lodge.

Tim couldn't understand why an Indian tribe driven out of New York State in the 18th century couldn't be allowed to return to run a casino.

Every other Indian tribe in New York seemed to be in the casino business, why not remnants of the Mahicans as well? Why not 1/64 Mahicans?

Tim figured as long as his gambling facility square footage was small, 1/64 the size of an average casino, he should have rights to carry on.

“Mahican Some" would be a cultural center for small percentage Mahicans everywhere, a place to meet, gamble and inter-marry impulsively.

Tim's hush revenue streams only went so far. He knew it wouldn't be cheap to buy Granny out even with the bad news about the mountain.

Sure, Tim could try to shake down the DA or Skull and Bones for more money in return for his silence, but this was not without its risks.

Any political leverage gained through the DA to ram 1/64 Indian casino legislation through the state legislature might be lost by a misstep. Tim considered how difficult sexual blackmail has become with such an inured public. Look at the Letterman debacle. Jail and ridicule both.

Tim pondered how it has become OK for smart, talented people to drug and rape 13 year- old girls, not just in France but in this country too.

The bar has been set so low, no one would probably really care if it was learned the DA was living a life of deception in his personal life.

What doomed McGreevey after all was not his screwing dudes per se it was handing out that homeland security job to the dude he was screwing

No, Tim thought, the DA could balk if he asked for an increase in the monthly payment. That was not the place to look for the extra money.

Where Tim needed to expand his revenues was with Skull and Bones. They were paying him to stay quiet about the rituals he saw on Deer Island.

He was being paid a pretty penny to stay quiet about unholy acts he witnessed, committed with the bones of Prescott Bush's Pomeranian.

Tim wondered what incredible ransom he could demand if he could return to Deer Island and steal Fluffy's bones like Prescott stole Geronimos.

Apparently the Pomeranian was a gift from a Nazi for the help Prescott and the Harriman boys gave the Fatherland through Union Banking Corp.

Prescott soon found that Fluffy had been imparted with a demonic spirit useful to him in sniffing out Roosevelt supporters within his banks.

The dog went after Averell Harriman savagely, for example, but would always leave Averell’s brother, E. Roland completely alone.

Averell would try to explain to the attacking dog that his political affiliation was ostentatious & expedient, but Fluffy would not have it.

Soon the name FLUFFY alone made Averell shudder with terror. He took the ambassadorship to Moscow to escape the wrath of that demonic beast.

Fluffy lived a long life and was credited with outing over 30 closet New Dealers within Prescott’s Nazi lending endeavors and beyond.

It's been said one of Senator McCarthy's biggest regrets was that Fluffy didn't live long enough to help him purge the country of Communists.

So when Fluffy died, Prescott wanted the dog’s remains to be kept where he had spent so many enjoyable hours in life. It was on the lawns of Deer Isle that Fluffy spent so many days in canine splendor over the years copulating with the other guys’ lap dogs.

So it was on Deer Island Prescott wanted Fluffy’s bones to forever remain for future generations of Bonesman to enjoy.

Of all the Satanic rituals utilized by Skull and Bones, Communion with the Bones of Fluffy is said to be one of the most sought after.

5% of the current Senate, a Supreme Court justice and 2 former Presidents are known to have derived unmerited power from Fluffy‘s remains.

Tim pondered how he could return to Deer Island to steal Fluffy's bones. It was hard enough to navigate the St. Lawrence in Summer when hot.

He was propelled along by jealous rage then. Setting sail in a small inflatable raft not meant for open water may not have been best idea.

This time Tim would use a bigger vessel, a canoe perhaps, or a dingy, whatever the hell that was. He would need an accomplice or two.

Stealing Fluffy Bush's bone bag from a vault was certainly a caper that could not be carried out alone but who could be trusted to go along?

Lenny Slackjaw would have been perfect accomplice for the caper were it not for the history of conflict Tim had with him.

Tim represented Lenny in a public urination case. It went to trial. Lenny thought Tim wasn't vigorous enough. Then caught Tim winking at DA.

Lenny filed a winking complaint with the bar association. Tim blamed Lenny from that point for starting the rumor he was in cahoots with DA.

Yeah, it was true- Tim and the DA had it going on- but that stoner Slackjaw had no business making that assertion with such scant evidence.

The crux of Lenny's case was that it was not public urination at issue; it was a matter of evening PH adjustment on a private azalea nursery.

When his professor told him, "When you drunk bastards piss in my yard, hit the azaleas, not the blueberries" Lenny argued that was license.

Not that the blueberries couldn't use the acid as much as the azaleas, the guy just didn't want the thought of piss in his head at breakfast.

The night vision goggles the officer used to witness Lenny's evening PH adjustment was also a dispute between the attorney and client. Tim told Lenny there's no way he could prove Officer Vandersomethin smuggled the night goggles home from the Gulf in his underwear in 91.

Lenny said he could too prove it: Vandersomethin told him himself when he was out drinking the night earlier. Army worried elephantiasis.

It was funny that Tim was just remembering this- a coincidence really -when Lenny the wink complainer showed up at Tim's door for legal help.

Seems Lenny was overcome by impulse as he strolled by Officer Vandersomethin dozing in his cruiser to snatch the night vision goggles & run.

Lenny confessed to Tim "some things just exist to be taken". Tim said feels same way about a bag of dog bones on an isle on the St. Lawrence.

Tim sounded more old & insane to Lenny than usual. Did he mean a bag of dog biscuits? Tim's Mohawk didn't help. Did Mahicans even wear them?

Who would imagine Lenny feeling guilty about stealing from a thief? Humility seized him. This went against his Long Island upbringing.

Tim yelled at Lenny: "snap out of it! We'll get the goggles back to whoever owns them later. Have to see on Deer Island if they still work."

Little did Tim realize that Granny had bugged his Pee Wee Herman lapel pin and was listening to the entire Deer Island invasion plot unfold.

Granny heard Lenny say, "OK, I'll go to that island with you, but you have to give me permission afterward to rappel down your crevasse."

Granny laughed so hard she fell out of her rocking chair, her big bowl of popcorn went flying out of her arms. Like hail storm in the parlor.

Granny called me, said she may have broken her wrist falling out of the rocker and needed me to take her to the emergency room for X-rays.

I said “Granny, it’s Halloween night- all I want to do is sit, watch the game and eat candy. Where the hell is Juan Carlos? Can‘t he help?”

Granny said Juan Carlos got tired of tending sheep and is full-time now with affiliate marketing.

“He figures as long as he can get out before the bubble bursts, he stands to make a fortune.”

Granny says "I can't believe you would ignore a plea for help from a friend during a medical emergency." I said I hardly realized we're pals. Said: "Does the arm need to be cut off at the elbow, Granny? Cause if it does I'll rush right along to get you over there. Love to see THAT!"

Course I felt like an idiot later when they found cancer on her middle finger and had to take the thing off right there. So off the mark I was!

Granny didn't appreciate my comment "pride goeth before the fall". She said, "who doth you think you are, fuckin Shakespeare?"

At the hospital Granny learned her wrist was fine- just a sprain- but she had hard choices to make with regard to her middle finger cancer.

I told her it's like Obama's joke about Rahm Emmanuel cutting off his middle finger in high school- she'll be rendered practically mute also.

Dr. Egor liked Granny's CIA retiree medical plan said she could have a new finger sewed on from a male economist, a female baboon or a bisexual robot.

Granny wasn't too thrilled with the choices. She said could see herself and her FRANKENFINGER ridiculed no matter which option she picked.

She worried if she had the dainty finger of a male economist sewn onto her hand it would stand out like uhm, ah. . . economist's finger.

She’d worry about people saying her economist's finger was pointing her and the rest of the country in the wrong direction again.

Granny said she's still a big fan of the Bionic Woman. If she had the robotic finger from the bisexual robot she could call herself BIONIC.

It was at that point I felt I had to step in as someone who could be confused as Granny's friend. Said Granny in no shape to decide in pain.

I wasn't getting the best vibe from Dr. Egor for some reason. His whole story about an androgynous prostitute android gone amok troubled me.

Granny told me to butt out, said she wasn't in pain in the least. "You undergo torture for 72 hours straight some day we'll talk bout pain".

Said to Granny, "Sorry, but I think you ought to find out where this robot prostitute has been before you start having its parts put in you"

Dr. Egor tried to be reassuring, said the robot was completely dismantled, would pose no threat of vengeance to Granny whatsoever. OK Doc.

I thought Granny might be coming to her senses. Then she asks Dr. Egor if he'd do a cosmetic face transplant on her next time a model ODs. Egor said like the Erogenous-Androgynous2000 robot- or Michael Jackson's doctors for that matter-he'd do anything to anyone for right price.

“The innovation!" Granny exclaimed, "The initiative! This is why we can never allow health care policy to fall in the hands of Socialists!"

“Leave it to a bunch of government bureaucrats- not a creative bone in their body- to stifle American ingenuity every time!" Granny wailed.

“Think of what could go wrong with a cosmetic face transplant", I said, "have you seen some of the women passing for models these days?"

“You might not get the face you wanted," I warned, "The procedure could get botched. You might end up looking like Manuel Noriega."

It was obvious I hit a nerve with the Noriega crack. Tears formed in Granny's eyes. "That beautiful man!" She said, "sacrificed like that!"

Granny turned to Dr. Egor and said somberly, "I'll take my bionic finger now" and was wheeled into the operating room, never looking back.

Didn’t seem right for me to leave Granny alone at the hospital while she was being operated on. I was glad to see her older sister Bea arrive.

I made use of the occasion to ask about Granny's history with Manuel Noriega. Bea said Granny met Manny through the company, of course.

Manny was the one who got away. Manny felt betrayed by Granny for some reason, said she was a toady for the Bush family, said she reported on him.

“Mildred’s always been a stalwart toady for the Bush family- America's only real royalty- but next to Manny they were dirt," Bea said.

Granny resented that such lengths were taken to invade Panama to nab Noriega for corruption while so many others doing worse were ignored.

Bea said you'll never see a Bush go after the Saudi royal family like that, or one of the bin Ladens.

“Least the boy cleaned up the mess the father made in Iraq. It'll be up to granddaughter Jenna to spiff up Panama when she's prez," Bea said

Bea said her sister spoke highly of me, said I was one of her best boyfriends. Bea said very erotic I was interested in Granny's past men.

Couldn’t help what happened next. I know Bea is like 80 but I was shocked and mortified both. "I'm not Granny's fucking boyfriend!" I yelled. “Try to clear your mind of worry" Bea said, "relax and take successive cleansing breaths and it will happen, my dear. Nature will take over."

Told Bea I was out of there. She complained, asked how I could be so heartless to leave Mildred alone there in her hour of, um, need.

Said "You're here now Bea, you can look after your sister." Bea said, "I'm just passing through. I have a conjugal visit upstate to get to."

“Oh, who's the lucky inmate?" She said "He calls himself Pappy. He's an Amish mobster. Wait I forgot- I think you helped bring us together."

I said "I know you guys had a thing there, but I didn't know it was meant to last." Bea said when Pappy went into prison he started to write.

“He started to mail me these beautiful sonnets. . .of course the majority were about farm animals, but they melted my heart still the same."

Bea said the Ray Brook Prison was used during the 1980 Olympics. "With any luck there's still a pommel horse laying around for erotic use."

Told Bea, sorry to disappoint, but the 1980 Olympics were the winter games, not the summer. Boy did she look crestfallen.

Bea said, "How the fuck am I to remember whether gymnastics weren’t part of the Winter games? They're all done indoors. Don't say I'm senile!"

Bea found out Dr Egor was going to bill her sister for disposal for the remaining parts of the Erogenous-Androgynous2000. Bea said like hell.

Bea had me load the robot's crate into her car, said she hoped the prison guards would let her take it in with her to the conjugal visit.

Said to Dr. Egor later I was curious to know how the economist who donated his finger died. Egor said "He didn't die, he has a bad mortgage."

Egor said body part market has gotten funny since those rabbis got busted in Jersey over the summer. Got to find your own willing suppliers.

I said let us hope they're willing. . .I asked if it was really ethical to take advantage of an economist down on his luck like that.

Egor said the economist used to work for Madoff at Nasdaq, if he was in Saudi Arabia they'd take the whole hand off. I said alrighty then.

Told Egor I have a sub-prime mortgage on a sportsman's shack built too close to the river don't see me running out selling limbs and kidneys. Egor looked at me like I was an idiot gave me his card for when I change my mind. "Only need one kidney you know. Thumbs can be a nuisance."

Egor said had some paperwork for me to sign. I said "I ain’t Granny's husband!" Egor asked "why would she say you were?" Said "She's insane!"

Maybe it’s from the anesthesia I said. Egor said she refused that, she said couldn't be any worse than the torture in El Salvador. "See, insane!"

I could tell you all about what happened between Bea and Pappy at the conjugal visit but that could be taken as an invasion of their privacy

I’m reluctant to say anything at all about Pappy's difficulty assembling the erogenous- androgynous2000 to help satisfy Bea's fantasies

I won't go into detail about the robot's genitalia. Let's just say the hydraulics were leaking. Pap didn't have the technical background to seal.

Bea was getting impatient. Pap said, Don't forget, I'm Amish. I saw an English farmer fix this on his John Deere, but that was long ago now.

Bea could tell Pappy's head just wasn't into reassembling the sex robot for a wild ecstatic threesome- wasn't his Amish prudishness either.

Bea sat forlornly on the corner of the prison cot as Pappy ranted on. The precious minutes of the conjugal visit slipped by unfulfilled.

Bea hadn't realized Pappy was such a thinking man. "Why can HEMP producers in California farm with impunity- Lancaster County, not so much."

“It’s like stockbroker found with powder cocaine fined the equivalent of his lunch bill but homey with crystallized form jailed 10 years."

“You drive 3ton military vehicle on the highway you have to wear a seatbelt for safety, but two wheel crotch-rocket, peachy, no helmet too."

“They’ll never let you fly a C-17 cargo plane through a residential area on Saturday morning unless it's attached to a Harley-Davidson."

“And don't get me started about these people like Scalia who believe in a STRICT CONSTRUCTIONIST interpretation of the constitution. . ."

“Strict Constructionists don't guarantee your right to own a deer rifle; they guarantee you a smooth bored 1776 pea shooter accurate only at 5ft."

“Worry not a Strict Constructionist will uphold your right for biweekly bloodletting for yourself and all your chattel, public option or not" Bea realized at that moment her visit would be for naught. Confinement wasn't doing Pappy favors in the lovemaking department that was for sure.

Pappy pled with Bea to help him find a way to escape the prison so he could flee to Canada and request political asylum there.

Bea said if he could get the robot working they could fashion an Amish beard on it made from shaved body hair. Pappy could go out in crate.

When Granny learned Bea made off with the salvage robot with my help she just about went berserk- tried to strangle me with her bionic hand.

I guess Granny had in mind she would have the robot reprogrammed from working the sex trade to tending sheep now that Juan Carlos is gone.

I heard that bionic machinery at work clamping down on my throat I screamed for help. Dr. Egor came running in with a syringe of Thorazine.

Dr. Egor injected only about half the syringe in Granny's butt before she flicked him to the side of the room with the bionic middle finger.

"I spent a good 2 hours trying to get this guy interested in my ass" Granny said "This was not at all what I had in mind."

Granny called Dr. Egor out right there; she demanded to know the reason why he wouldn't date her. He said she's too Conservative for him.

Granny said she didn't like term CONSERVATIVE- it's confusing. “Stupid people will think you care about saving owls.” She prefers ILLIBERAL.

Granny said someone might still be confused and think you're a liberal but at least there'll be an impression of sickness coming as a result

“See you can give me all the Thorazine you want Doc won't make a bit of difference. Been down that road before. Still conversant ain't I?"

Don’t think anyone really knew what Granny was talking about. Like to say it had to do with the surgery and the Thorazine but I just can't.

Never thought I'd be so happy to see Granny's nephew Ned. He showed up at the hospital to attend to Granny. Just back from Hollywood he said.

Ned must've heard a bit of Granny's rant: "You don't need to worry about what stupid people think, Aunt Millie, that's our job in Hollywood."

Ned pulled me aside and said "don't think you can keep getting away with what you're doing! I'm here to put a stop to it!" He said I'd never crack top 100 Wefollow humor category or become just as influential as Gary Busey without his Aunt Mildred to poke fun at.

He said if anyone should capitalize on Mildred Lynch's madcap adventures and twisted philosophy it should be him, her own flesh and blood.

Nice to say that now, Ned. Weren't you the one too embarrassed to lecture at your aunt's literary symposium at the Buckslayer Motorlodge?

Ned said he doesn't go by NED anymore. Said he's been REINVENTING himself. He has a NOM DE PLUME: "ROCK BOTTOMLEY"

Ned said once he gets his new twitter account up and running- SHITMYAUNTMILLIESAYS -I better back off and not infringe on his family anymore.

I said "that crazy woman's goin' 'round saying I'm her frickin' boyfriend. You want to talk about infringement, there's some infringement!"

Ned went to Granny, said "Scatoma here thinks he has the OK to keep writing about you on Twitter because you're sayin you're his girlfriend"

Don’t know if it was the Thorazine or the after effects of surgery- It was like dementia set in: "He's more than that! He's my betrothed!"

I said that would explain why Granny tried choke me to death-BETROTHED There you go NED. There's your first tweet for SHITMYAUNTMILLIESAYS

Ned tried to whisper to me that he wasn't NED anymore, that I should refer to him as ROCK BOTTOMLEY from now on, but Granny overheard him.

“What the hell is wrong with the name NED LEDBETTER?" Granny grumbled. I saw my opportunity to escape. I heard some of what was said next as I left.

Ned concluded he needed to join Scientology to advance his screenwriting career. Then the Scientologists learned he was studying Kabbalah too.

Then both groups learned Ned was still studying Latin at Mel Gibson's church in Malibu. Ned felt he had to get out of Dodge for awhile.

“It was so easy to be forgettable to the studio heads before, now it seems practically impossible," Ned- I mean, ROCK- told Granny.

Was pretty famished. Stopped off at Dooleys Pizza for a breakfast calzone on the way back to the shack. Guess I didn't feel picked on enough

Thing about friends from your youth, they always seem to obsess on stupid things you may have said back in the day when you were imbibed. Made the mistake telling Dooley over some beers years ago about my dream to have Garrison Keillor mention me one day on The Writer's Almanac

Course that dream hasn't happened yet. Dooley says I've been far too lazy. Says time's running out-- the poor bastard almost died recently.

Frankly I don't think I would remember the notion now were it not for Dooley saying. He put money on Keillor in a death lottery for added fun

Hasn't been a time lately when I ran into Dooley that he didn't break into a Garrison Keillor imitation to mock me:

"And on this day in 1987, the writer Scatoma's Ford Maverick broke down on the hill at Telford Hollow in the Northern Catskills. . ."

"While eating a bag of chips in the shade nearby, Scatoma questioned why a hill so steep would be called A HOLLOW. . ."

"It was then Scatoma gave up vocational studies in municipal waste water management to ponder other such questions of the Cosmos. . ."

“. . .but never quite with the pizazz of Carl Sagan, who was then alive, billing his Ithaca neighbors for casual appearances at barbecues."

Dooley can hang a banner on his pizzeria: "Home of the hottest +35 virgin in America. Now garlic-free and vampire-friendly" but I'm weird

After Dooley and the real Donna Martin decided to procreate by way of a turkey baster they've been trying to figure how to raise the child.

Thought was Dooley's Pizza needed more volume. The local population was small & shrinking. They needed to put more college students on Rt. 28

But how? Dooley and Donna Martin brainstormed, asked themselves what leaders in the US government would do. The answer came immediately. . .

Launch a campaign of fear to shape behavior to derive the desired outcome- Make Rt. 28 seem like the only safe passage to the NYS Thruway.

And so the duo began posting bills around Delhi and Oneonta and began internet rumors that Rt. 28 was the only one safe from vampire attacks

This was with complete obliviousness to the secret human desire to be attacked by vampires, however, and business suffered terribly for weeks.

The Do Duo had all they could do to reverse the trend they created- booked punk band, Eliot Spitzer for President to play at the pizzeria. It was then that Dooley's Pizza announced to the world that it had gone garlic-free and would be launching a vampire-friendly menu.

Of course some local garlic lovers were driven into the arms of Luigi Pirandello down Rt. 28 in Bovina, but the Goth student market picked up.

I hear Luigi's been inspired by the whole thing to pick up the pen again, working on a play, "Six Writers in Search of a Vampire Character."

Dooley was acting WAY too protective of Donna Martin, said she needed to stay in the kitchen away from the public to guard against swine flu.

And there around the pizza ovens, Dooley insisted she wear a full-body fire-proof APRON to protect her & her unborn-looked just like a burqa.

Said to Dooley seemed odd he didn't mention on banner that Donna was the hottest PREGNANT+35 virgin. He said he wasn't running a freak show.

Then I learned Ned, I mean ROCK BOTTOMLY, stopped by Dooley's before going to the hospital to see Granny, chatted up religion with Donna.

I got the sense Dooley was uncomfortable about something. He seemed to be trying his hardest to keep Donna from coming out front to talk.

When I invited them over tomorrow to watch football and shoot off the turkey catapult he made it seem Donna wasn't into that sort of thing.

Dooley said if Donna saw my sportsman shack she'd freak. I said, "What, she never been camping before?" He said, "No, no, she's anti-Hermetic."

Dooley said Donna has a thing against "you Unabomber types" Growing up in Buffalo she knows only takes one Tim McVeigh to spoil whole region.

Told Dooley such talk was not fair to me and was not fair to the other important factors leading to Buffalo, New York's desolation.

Told Dooley I stop by his place to help relive my Glory Day, not to sit and dwell on life's negativity. Buzz kill that anti-Hermetic stuff.

And then Donna came out front. Dooley kind of gasped as she removed her full-body APRON. She didn't act anti-hermetic towards me at all.

She wanted advice about religion for sake of new baby. Said I'm not good to ask, adhere to the Ten Commandments most days, but that's all.

Donna said she wanted to talk about our best hope for survival in an insane world. Duh, I thought she was referring to science and democracy. Donna was concerned about Dooley's Catholicism because if Donna has a daughter and she wants to be a religious leader, she'll have no place.

I said for her daughter's sake I hope that never happens--the wanting to be a religious leader part-but if not, science offers a remedy. . .

I said look at Sonny and Cher's, um, OFFSPRING, Chastity. It may take 24 procedures, but if Suzy really wants the priesthood. . .Father Chaz.

Donna said she's concerned the church would reject her because she's an unmarried virgin who conceived by way of artificial insemination.

Said if they start shutting out virgins pregnant under questionable circumstances they're gonna have a lot more problems than they have now.

I said they found a place in their heart for Warhol. . . maybe if that vampire pizza really takes off. . .get some money together. . .

Dooley called me a Catholic-basher. He couldn't spoil Donna in my mind so now he was going to spoil me in hers. He said I was excommunicated.

He heard this was for going against the literature distributed at mass and voting for John Kerry in 2004, fellow Catholic, but a mortal sin.

I said I didn't vote for Kerry on the basis of his Catholicism; it was on the basis being the better of the two Satanists from Skull & Bones.

Then Dooley revealed he was opposed to Donna's plan to raise the child as half-Catholic, half-Scientologist. "Like fusion cooking, bad idea."

Dooley said "why don't we have some Mexican-Icelandic food with our Mormon- Buddhism." Donna said, "DOOLEY'S PIZZA, you're a fine one to say."

Donna said if Dooley stayed pure with his ethnic heritage he'd have a place called "Johnny's House of Boiled Meat and Potatoes," not pizza.

She said "keep cramming those scrambled eggs and bacon strips in those calzone shells, Irish Boy--was that brought in with the Vikings too?"

Dooley challenged Donna, asked "What does Scientology have that Catholicism doesn't?" "Pssah. . .hot people!" Donna replied.

Dooley asked "What about the Kennedys? They're hot." Donna said "After John-John went down in the drink in 99 I haven't paid much attention."

Donna said far as hotness & Catholicism are concerned the Kennedys have either gone haggard been killed off or been virtually excommunicated. Dooley said Scientology is in upheaval right now- hot people might go elsewhere. He said that Haggis guy left after 35 years, denounced it.

He said reputable sources report Katie Holmes hasn't attended Scientology in months fought with Tom to have Suri put in Catholic preschool.

Dooley said from his vantage point this could be a sign that the scales of congregant hotness could be swinging back in Catholicisms favor.

Donna said it goes back to needing to go the Chaz Bono route if Suri has in mind to become a priest when she grows up.

Dooley said the Church offers the same unchanging stability today it provided the peasantry throughout the Dark Ages, just without Limbo.

“You want to go turn it all over to Sinead O'Connor, you just go ahead!"

The best part of all is that Dooley hasn't been to church since 1993.

Meanwhile on way to gig at Plattsburgh, AmishRage convinced others in band Eliot Spitzer For President to stop by Ray Brook jail to see Pappy.

The man inhabiting Pappy's cell seemed to AmishRage to be an impostor-- perhaps an androgynous android wearing a merkin for an Amish beard.

The impostor admitted right away to being an android in disguise, said to shut up to keep the COs from overhearing, "don't blow up my spot."

“I’ve got a deed to a mini-golf course just East of Hershey in my pocket," the robot said, "8 more weeks of this shit and it's all mine."

Android explained it was his job to provide cover for Pappy after Pap escaped & made his way to Canada-the mini golf course was compensation.

AmishRage was pissed, said Luddite Delight Mini-Golf was supposed to be his inheritance--"and how would that work? You're chattel yourself."

The Amish android impostor was taken aback said it hadn't given it any thought really whether the law would allow an android to own property.

The Android asked, "Well, couldn't I just assert Corporate Personhood like Walmart or something to obtain constitutional protection?"

“It’s bad enough you robots put yourselves on par with people! Now you want to demand the same rights as our corporations?"

AmishRage had no idea this was a psycho Erogenous-Androgynous2000 model that had to be taken out of the sex trade & dismantled due to danger. Using Von Neumann's Minimax Theorem the android opted not to kill AmishRage where he stood in favor of a later opportunity outside of prison.

This was a different kind of Prisoner's Dilemma perhaps: The desired kill would be certain, but so would the undesired extended imprisonment.

The android pondered why it was furnished such capacity if designed for the sex trade. It needed to MEET the designer on the outside too.

The android also pondered its missing finger. This would surely influence way it gripped a putter at Luddite Delight Mini Golf. Who had it?

As Pappy & Bea drove North to the Canadian border, Bea voiced second thoughts about the destination-said she was old and Canada was damn cold.

Why did they feel they needed to leave the country? Bea asked Pappy. If an android impostor was covering for Pap at jail he wasn't on lam.

Bea suggested they find a place on the border where they could lay low and follow the news. If the ruse was not discovered, they'd go South.

Pappy confessed to being a longtime Canadaphile since time his father towed out Howie Morenz's car from a mire with his mule team in 1936.

Pappy said long before Sarah Palin was naming her kids for wacky things like ESPN's hometown he was naming his children for places in Canada.

He said Edmonton, Toronto and Montreal have pretty much moved past the matter, but his son Saskatchewan has said he'll never forgive him.

After the encounter with Howie Morenz, Pappy's father began smuggling newspapers home to follow the hockey great's season with the Canadiens.

By the time Morenz died that following March from a broken leg suffered in the rink, Pappy's family's love of Canadien hockey was solidified.

By that time Pappy's father was running the largest sports betting and numbers racket in all of Lancaster County.

Pappy decided he needed to think things over-pulled on the steering wheel of Bea's car while shouting WHOA!-having lost himself in reveries.

Pappy said he figured their continued freedom hinged entirely on the hastily created merkin staying intact on the android's face for 8 weeks.

Using his odds-making expertise Pappy figured those were about the same odds as Detroit winning the Super Bowl some time in the next 5 years. Bea was pissed at Pappy for saying the word MERKIN- said it just made her insanely itchy to hear, her skin still so irritated from shaving.

Pappy said his nether region was itching like a mother but it was a needed harvest. Bea said it wasn't so much her nether region as her back.

Pappy said he had a friend retiring from the smuggling business on the St. Lawrence, maybe they could buy his swift boat, SS T Boone Pickens.

Bea asked Pap if his smuggler friend named his vessel for Pickens to honor his success casting a decorated war veteran as lowest life form.

Pappy said yeah had to do some with the Swift Boat ads, but also Pickens' abhorrence for people eating horses. . . like their dogs always do.

Bea was shaking her head in remembrance of 2004: "To think someone who looked that French got that close to usurping the presidency."

Pappy said when his friend sails south towards US with caches of hydroponic pot he often trades fire with horse meat smugglers sailing North.

Pappy said Canada is a mixed bag, Pickens has to be careful about using his oil money to scare people and tell the Canadians what to do too.

Pap said Canadians might eat a lot of horses but the also grow a lot of high grade hydroponic pot using electricity from renewable sources.

Bea said she's confused by Pickens, an oilman who doesn't want oil anymore. Pap said, "Yeah, he was for oil, until he was against it."

Pappy said he liked the idea of a boat to live on because the Amish were never sea-faring people and the ordnungs were silent on their use.

Bea said if the Amish law says he has to strap the boat to a team of humpback whales to power it then he could just count her out.

Then Bea called her sister Mildred to get an opinion on Amish retirement at sea, stirred everything up. "You stole my android?" Granny raged.

Granny said it was one thing to borrow another person's android for a weekend of fun it's another to set it up with its own mini golf course.

“Why don't you come back to Hamden, sister, and liberate my tractor too while you're at it", Granny quipped.

Bea told Granny she was jealous because Bea's with a man's man. Granny said "yeah, well, Scatoma, my guy, he's more VIRAL than Tiger Woods." Granny told Bea "not only does Scatoma play the field, he plays half the forest and the pasture lot too." Not the best analogy for sure.

Granny said the android was taken apart because it was dangerous, wasn't supposed to be put back together until reprogrammed to tend sheep.

Bea said yeah he was a little menacing at first, but once he got Pappy's mini golf course deed in his hand a certain calmness overtook him.

Granny said "great, now I got to worry nights about a crazed cyborg hacking me apart in my bed and robbing me of my coveted bionic hand."

Bea told Granny she has to do something to calm herself & bring herself serenity just coming off bionic surgery without anesthesia like that.

Granny said she's "working hard to fight off my 'Christ was a Commie' thoughts" said she's watching Mel Gibson's 'snuff movie'. . . 57 times.

Granny said "something must be working" because she woke up with a "religious marketing vision"- feels like she has a new purpose in life.

She said she called Juan Carlos right away. He liked her ideas so much he agreed to return to the farm, help launch the business/ tend sheep.

Bea said so long as Granny’s plan doesn't involve launching a child in a balloon or crashing a White House party she wouldn’t try to interfere.

Granny said "Christianity has become a one-man show after starting out as an ensemble. What about the also-rans of Christian martyrdom?"

Granny said since the Christmas season now obliterates All Saint's Day as well as Thanksgiving, Christmas should also celebrate the martyrs.

Granny said her idea is to transform the rather secular and innocuous Christmas tree into a searing memorial of ultimate religiosity.

Bea already knew: "you’re gonna adorn the tree with heads of John the Baptist Paul & James, illuminate it with Joan of Arc figurine candles"

Granny was amazed by Bea's clairvoyance: "How did you know that?!!" "You had the same idea after the gall bladder, remember?" Bea replied.

Bea said the thing about Joan of Arc she never cared much for the non-French. Granny defended her said she loved all the souls of West now.

Bea asked Granny, "how do you know that?" Granny said, "well, because Joan of Arc tells me so, that's how!" Granny told Bea "how cute you're doing the geriatric Bonnie and Clyde thing. Surprised police haven't noticed your degraded driving skills"

Bea said Pappy's doing all the driving now and having a lot of beginners luck too. She hit a pedestrian in Potsdam but police let her go.

Was NYS police investigator association windshield sticker at fault, obstructed her view. Dude shouldn’t have been walking to work on his birthday anyway.

Meanwhile on desolate Deer Island beset by early Winter Tim Buck II Esq and Lenny Slackjaw desperately struggled to salvage their mission.

Poorly dressed and unable to operate the night vision goggles the pair were already disheartened before they learned their boat floated away.

Tim had hoped to quickly seize possession of the bones of Prescott Bush's Pomeranian, Fluffy used in Satanic rituals by Skull & Bones.

This was accomplished quickly but as Tim & Lenny were stranded hunger soon set in. Fluffy's bones were reluctantly boiled for a tasty soup.

Something within the marrow of those ancient dog bones acted as a powerful aphrodisiac. Each man sustained erections for 3 hours 59 minutes.

Lenny said "Dude, if I had an erection lasting more than 4 hours I wouldn't be calling my doctor unless she was hot.

Tim said he was glad the little men corrected themselves 1 minute before medical damage could be done. Starvation is um, big problem already.

Then Lenny caught Tim looking at him in a way he didn't like. Lenny remembered Tim indeed 1/64 Mahican but only 1/64 interested in women too.

Tim sensed Lenny's unease and spoke immediately to reassure him, said he didn't have sex on his mind really, only eating a high protein meal.

Well that didn't do much to reassure Lenny either; in Lenny's drug-addled mind he imagined Tim was imagining him roasted like a brisket.

Lenny split from Tim & lived in a primal paranoid state on the far side of the isle surviving on horse meat from a crate found washed ashore.

Tim’s luck was a bit different; he found a crate of hydroponic pot. Each day ritual took place whereby Tim negotiated trade of pot for horse.

Amy Goodman may not agree but from the scuttled crates you could say tightened border security in the run up to 2010 Olympics benefited some. Then one day Lenny upped his price--more than pot for the horse meat. He wanted the holy grail, the great aphrodisiac, the bones of Fluffy too.

Tim began to wonder if any of it was worthwhile at all. He wondered why extorting more money from Skull & Bones was so important after all.

Sure it'd be nice to have his Mahican Some Casino dreams come true-- see small percentage Indians be granted their due--but at what price?

What was behind all this deviant behavior on his part anyway? Was it all a reaction to the DA suddenly jilting him for a fellow Bonesman?

Why did it take being stranded on a frozen island, bartering with a hunky homophobe from Long Island for horse meat to survive to see truth?

And why couldn't that son of a bitch tie the boat up with a proper slip knot? Tim continued to ponder. Didn't he ever belong to Cub Scouts?

Meanwhile Granny calls, shares her gossip. Says she thinks DA and Vlad are on the outs, that Vlad's riding DA too hard to become next AG.

Vlad got upset the DA was getting worried about Tim being missing for so long. DA thought Tim mighta killed himself. Vlad was like So What.

DA told Vlad to get lost but Vlad's still hanging around town. Vlad ran into Granny's nephew Ned, asked Ned to write stand up comedy for him.

Vlad’s saying he's tired of relying on others to achieve world domination, intent now on doing it himself. . .through others. . .with comedy.

Vlad said if that sorry sap Al Franken can parlay a few rotten TV sketches into a seat in the US senate, he should be NY Governor in no time.

I said Vlad can give it a whirl with Ned, er ROCK BOTTOMLEY, but I don't know if you can dominate the world and be funny at the same time.

Granny said "don’t be silly, Reagan did it, and it can be done again! I have my money on Sean Hannity. He’s walking straight on the same path."

Said Hannity isnt funny in least. Boy did that get Granny upset, said I'm too twisted and damaged to hear the dog whistle of Sean's hilarity.

I said I had to be honest, sometimes I tune in to Sean's show in the afternoon, but it's only to see if Curtis Sliwa is filling in for him.

Told Granny if Hannity was truly following path of Reagan he'd still be a flaming Liberal filming lousy movie with Chimpanzee at this stage. Granny wasn’t amused said thought someone like me with bona fide Illiberal credentials would be more supportive of Hannity/Illiberal movement.

Said just because I'm from Catholic farm people unaware of birth control & went to vocational high school don't mean I support Illiberalism.

I’ll have you know I graduated from one of the finest public colleges in New York's portion of the Appalachia, a specially designated region.

Granny asked me why I'm so harsh on her boy Sean but relatively easy on Limbaugh. I said Rush is a fellow hermetic artist, I'd feel funny.

It’s like D'Amato and Giuliani bailing out on the governorship to avoid direct battle with the Cuomos---hermits really need to be the same way.

Granny doesn’t like Limbaugh for some reason calls him & Ann Coulter "Bohemians" Not sure why. Says Sean can never be Alpha with them on air.

Granny said whether Rush likes it or not Sarah Palin has ushered in a new era---GOP leaders need to be folks the public wants to have sex with.

Told Granny I’m just impressed how Limbaugh can keep finding people to follow him who agree with every single opinion he has. . .on anything.

I said I'd be shocked if there was a single person in the world who believed in things exactly as I do, but that Limbaugh, he has thousands.

Told Granny she wasn't giving Rush his due, hafta be major talent to keep the pulse of illiberalism in rural America from Palm Beach mansion.

Granny kept attacking: "Yeah, sitting in that empty mansion. . . in his bare feet. . . keeping the Castros in power with every cigar puff."

Granny said if I set aside my hermit fraternity stuff and go after Limbaugh with full farmboy whoop ass she'll help me keep pace with Gary Busey.

“It’s Christmas time Granny, what about tidings of joy, goodwill towards men?" She said "You really are sold out to the Liberals aren't ya?"

Told Granny I really didn't think Christmas time was good time to attack anyone and no, wasn't agreeing to smear Limbaugh for Hannity's sake.

Granny said I was nuts, "Christmas time is THE VERY BEST TIME to attack. Ever hear of Washington Crossing the Delaware? Spark's Steak House?"

I said "it needs to be clear you’re talking 'attack' from a rhetorical standpoint. Limbaugh's deaf to satire, he might take it the wrong way." Granny said "tell that Limbaugh 'I came to launch a Battle of the Bulge, but I see from your form someone beat me to it.'" I said that's bad.

Granny said she'd compare Hannity's dilemma stuck beneath Limbaugh to that of Gotti & Big Paul in ‘85 but she said it's an imperfect metaphor.

“Imperfect metaphor because GOP isn't like the Gambinos?" I asked. She said, "no, because the less rabid one needs to do the job this time."

I said in the unlikely event Rush decided to do an Oprah and retire that crazy guy or Ann Coulter would become the Alpha Male before Hannity.

Granny said "Ann Coulter as the Alpha Male, yeah, the crazy guy, no way." I said "all I know, get used to people calling Hannity 'Beta-Max.'"

Said to Granny if I didn’t know any better I’d say Limbaugh was being paid a lot of money to narrow the party. Said he's no Reagan for sure.

Granny said, “Yeah, well, the fear of sabotage from within has to be there at this point, that’s why Hannity has to knock him off his perch.”

Said to Granny Hannity’s all big on holding up Reagan as model for the world but he shares none of Reagan's sunny optimism.

Granny said "that's bullshit, Sean Hannity is one of few around optimistic enough to believe humans have nothing to do with climate change."

Granny said if restoring our faith in the planet's ability to withstand us is not a form of Reagan optimism, she doesn't know what would be.

Which sunny optimism is it Granny? Climate change aint happening at all? Or climate change is happening just aint related to human activity?

Granny said to hell if she cares. "You know my position on global warming: Better warmin than chillin- good insurance against meteor strike."

Told Granny seems an awful lot of science is being ignored by Hannity. Granny said “climatologists are infected by ‘the circle jerk effect’.”

Granny said all these guys do is repeat the same errors over and over to themselves until everyone believes them as facts.

I had to ask Granny if she was referring to the climatologists or Hannity and Limbaugh.

Granny challenged me, said "tell me something so-called scientists are calling a crisis nowadays, I'll tell you where they're dead wrong" I said, “fine Granny, how about, ah. . . CHILDHOOD OBESITY--why don't you tell me how scientists have got the facts wrong on THAT crisis.”

Granny howled with laughter "If a meteor took out Omaha we'd be happy to have extra temperature & an extra layer of fat on the children too."

Granny said childhood obesity is grossly over-diagnosed. "We’re a people descended from big-boned pioneers. Our kids are big-boned, so what."

Granny said there are caves in France where early man depicted children---they’re drawn fat as found now. I said those must be Neanderthals!

I asked Granny where she came across the science behind the 'Circle Jerk Effect'. She said she thought it must have been from the crazy guy.

“Enough of this already, Granny, you started out telling me the dirt on the DA & Vladmir then you got off track. I'm apolitical, like Oprah."

Granny wasn't happy about being cut off. She said she wanted to finish her thought about diabetes epidemic being all a crock.

I said "I suppose you're gonna tell me reason why all these people are having to have their feet cut off is cheap Chinese-made shoes." "Yep"

I said I'm not saying a heap of PhD types can't become lemmings---just look at what the economists did to us---but there’s a baby in the bath water.

Told Granny for someone with a bionic middle finger she sure has a lot of nerve. "I guess you're giving the finger right back to science."

Granny said scientists have just been mailing it in since advent of nuclear warhead unless something is related to the needs of Hollywood.

Granny said taxpayers are always financing research on stuff that can't be seen "Scientists could be doing jack and covering for each other."

Yeah. .sunny optimism.

Told Granny "I know Ned's your nephew and you want to see him succeed but he's got his work cut out for him writing stand up for Vladimir."

“Ned ought to go back to his TV writing job in Hollywood explain his simultaneous studies of Scientology, Kabbala & Latin. He'll warp here."

Granny said she needs Vlad's connections to help land Sean Hannity &Todd Palin as headliners for her Winter Festival at Mt. Delusion Lodge. Said "You still got that fantasy riding together w/ Todd Palin & Sean Hannity over undulating terrain on Todd’s snowmobile, don’tcha Granny?"

Granny replied with a lascivious smirk: "you betcha doggone it!"

I warned Granny, “you realize Sarah Palin could come at you w/ a can of Alaskan whoop ass for messin’ with her guy.”

Granny said she’d fear the Swedish rage of Tiger’s wife with those golf clubs before she’d fear Sarah, “lover of big game”

Not sure what Granny meant by that.

Granny said if Sarah wanted to join in she suspects Sean wouldn’t be disappointed by the prospect. "I’ve never turned down a female celeb yet"

I was incredulous Granny had ever been with a female celeb but she insisted did Liz Smith once in early 60's "Or someone damn well like her"

Granny asked me what she can do to get me to join in. I gasped in horror, "On the snowmobile??" She said no, at Mt. Delusion Winter Fest.

Told Granny I preferred to stay outside the pull of her deadly vortex. “Whenever you get it in mind to be creative, people get hurt”

Granny said she's been working on a scheme with Dr. Egor to lure the android into a trap when it gets out of jail.

She said if they can get the sucker sunk into a bog they can open up its frontal lobe and replace its personality hardware.

She said Dr. Egor came across a spare personality module on eBay that'll make the android a tractable sheep tender in a jiffy.

Granny said she's been writing to the android in jail and it seems pretty interested in stopping by the Winter Fest at Mt Delusion Lodge.

I asked Granny how she got the android interested. She said let the android know the fest was going to be a gathering of Dolmen Republicans.

She said she explained to the android as a mini-golf course owner should know Republicans are ostensibly best for lower taxes and regulation.

Granny said Dolmens were spun off Log Cabin Republicans "They're rehabed homosexuals now into neo-Pagan Druidry"

According to Granny Dolmen Republicans hold the view that climate change is all about solar flares, so best to start praying to sun again. Apparently there’s a neo-conservative branch of the neo-pagan GOP group itching to invade an oil country ostensibly to introduce Halloween.

Granny said Vladimir was helpful in lining up the Dolmen Republicans for the Winter Fest at Mt. Delusion. He just joined the group recently

Vlad thought they would be good group to have at the Fest to try out his standup routine because all his material so far ridicules Al Gore.

Apparently Vlad can do a good Andrew Dice Clay imitation which he hopes to use to savage environmentalism in same manner Dice savages women.

Granny said reputable sources say Dice got a smackdown from Donald Trump on The Apprentice. Trump faulted Dice for way he spoke about women.

Granny said “Trump musta forgot all the awful things he said about Rosie O’Donnell. I guess if Rosie’s not really a woman, rules don’t apply.”

Granny said Donald Trump would be another good one to pick a fight with on Twitter to boost my following. Said I’d have to think about it.

Granny said she's in the same boat as me struggling for cheap notoriety in a post balloon boy hoax world. She hopes Winter Fest pans out.

Since we were on the topic of cheap notoriety, I asked Granny about her Christmas tree venture celebrating also-rans of Christian martyrdom.

She said Juan Carlos said they could do better for next year with time to prepare. He's thinking he needs an Americanized business alias.

Granny said Juan Carlos tried out the name Chad Johnson for a few weeks but they kept getting annoying calls from the Edmonton Eskimos.

Told Granny I know I've been in a phone conversation with her since December 19th, but the followers keep pouring in. I'm afraid to hang up.

“That there is star power," Granny bragged, "You can let Kathleen Turner know she has the role playing me if she wants it."

Granny got all excited. Said she had a "vision". Said she needs to put Kathleen Turner on Winter Fest at Mount Delusion celebrity invite list.

Told Granny: I’m an optimist & all that but I cant see how you’ve learned your lessons from the literary symposium at the Buckslayer Motorlodge.

Said: “You got this crazy cyborg due to show up amid the Fest. Your plan to sink him in a bog won't even be possible with frost in the ground.” Granny was unmoved: "The mistakes of your past are the gateways to the mistakes of your future."

Granny said she thinks she got that one from a plaque on Bush 41's wall when he was boss at Langley.

Granny said she embroidered "mistakes of past are gateways to mistakes of the future" in waistband of underwear for a Christmas gift for me.

But she said she got behind in her laundry had to "borrow" my gift this week. I said "take as long as you like, Granny. . .I really mean it."

Granny said in hindsight she shoulda bought me that decorative shelf. “It was made from trees planted in India to offset Coldplay's carbon footprint.”

So I asked Granny how her business partner, Tim Buck II Esq. felt about her plans to carry out the Winter Fest the Mount Delusion Lodge.

She said "If Tim values his law license he'll leave me alone. So happens my sister rescued him from island upstate after a botched burglary"

Of course I had heard nothing of this and was very surprised.

Granny said she's not in full position to make use of dirt on Tim because as Pappy's lawyer he knew Pappy was supposed to be in jail still.

“Pappy was there with Bea, you see, stopped off at that island with the boat SS T. Boone Pickens, bought for Pappy’s Amish retirement at sea."

Granny said it was an awkward scene "Tim didn’t wanna be asked about being on the island, Pappy didn’t wanna be asked about being out of jail."

Granny said Tim's friend Lenny was wearing the bones of Prescott Bush's Pomeranian around his neck like an immunity idol from Survivor Samoa

Granny said she didn't know what Bea and Pappy were thinking when they bought the SS T. Boone Pickens- the Susquehanna ain't very navigable.

Pappy had the idea they'd Winter in the Bay at Hardiness Zone 7, and in the Spring travel North to Lancaster County to visit the grandkids.

It all seemed good on a map anyway, rocks & falls unseen. Pappy had dreams of sailing to Oneonta his exile land every summer, but not to be.

Granny said Bea and Pappy couldn't make up their mind what to do with the boat, so they had it put on a truck and shipped to Granny's farm. Granny said the boat's been dry docked along the sheep barn and Pappy's been living in it like an Amish Gerald McRaney from Simon and Simon.

Granny said Bea couldn't stand living in a parked boat surrounded by livestock. Said she needed to rest at home in Bergen County for awhile.

Granny said she's been trying to get Pappy to do something else besides draw cartoon pictures all day. "It's like this sick compulsion."

Juan Carlos warned Granny that Pappy appears to be drawing cartoons of certain Middle Eastern Prophet. "All I need is a fatwa on my farm."

Apparently Pappy learned to draw in jail from some Danish guy. "You know how those Danish cartoonists are-it's like they have a death wish."

Told Granny she's got to be careful to look after Pappy's mental health. It's mid-winter & he's in exile-could be suicide attempt by cartoon.

Granny said she'll have to keep a close eye on Pappy make sure he doesn't post any of his cartoons of that certain Mideast prophet online.

“You can keep an eye on someone as best you can," Granny observed "but if someone is determined to post that verboten doodling, can't stop."

So anyway, have to tell you about Dooley. He has problems at home with his girlfriend the real Donna Martin "The hottest +35 virgin in USA"

As you may recall the pair met during the summer when Dooley was providing catering at Granny's literary symposium and Donna was lecturing.

Let’s just say one thing with a turkey baster led to another & now Donna may be properly called "The hottest pregnant +35 virgin in the USA"

Dooley made it seem he was stoppin by my shack to shoot off the turkey catapult but I could see from his hangdog look he had lot on his mind.

He brought his own frozen turkey, which was good, but I had to make sure the baster in question hadn't come into contact with it at any time.

Dooley kind of looked at me offended. I reminded him I was a hermit who lived alone in a shack, what did he want?

Said to Dooley since turkey wasn't besmirched how bout we launch a snowball shaped like turkey instead. Haven't had food in shack for weeks.

Dooley said no way he was going to wait around long enough for the Turkey to be thawed and cooked. I said fine by me. Looked offended again. Dooley said he's been looking over Donna's Facebook and realizes now some other guy turkey bastered with Donna before he did "like 75 times"

Dooley said aside from difference in vigor between his and the other guy's swimmers, he wasn't sure what made him so special in Donna's eyes.

“Far as I can tell I'm no better at making flaming fondue or twirling blow torches used to light it," Dooley said, comparing himself to dude.

He said technically he's not married, hasn't consummated anything, just a sperm donor really---but doesn't want son called "baster bastard"

“And is it really right," Dooley continued to ponder, "for a man's son to have a um, strut down that hallway before he does?"

You could see Dooley was in pain: "I just can't keep living in sin with someone I can't be sinful with."

Dooley said Donna told him flat out she had too much at stake being the hottest +35 virgin in America "not gonna throw it all away now".

Said I was no expert at deprogramming obsessive television fans but one place where I would start would be go back & study the 90210 series.

I suggested to Dooley that he get a hold of the 7th season finale where Donna Martin loses her virginity, watch it over and over again.

Dooley said he tried that already: "For some reason Donna prefers to view the 7th season finale sex scene simply as a writer's contrivance."

Dooley said back then Donna was always up on the roof adjusting her TV antenna. "It's probably when she got the NFL-style head injury."

Told Dooley another approach might be to have Donna focus on similarities between herself & less-wholesome, more normal character on the show.

“I’d say 'Yeah, Donna, your name's the same as Tori's character, but you're a dead ringer for Valerie & from Buffalo too. Let's get it on.'"

Somehow Dooley saw fit to call me "classless".

I said the only thing left is to make a deal with Donna to let their child be raised in her faith instead of his--a sex for Scientology deal.

Dooley flew off the handle with that, you’d think the turkey catapult was shot off again. He said no man should put sex over Catholic church.

I said "what the hell Dooley, you become a priest?" Dooley said playing Scientology card "that's a nuclear option" I said we live in the nuclear age-If need to hit red button do so with gusto.

Dooley was acting all outraged and insulted, but I could tell he had been mulling the idea over long before I offered it.

Dooley said "when my kid does wrong I wanna be able to threaten him with Hell not ramble on bout fall from side of Bridge to Total Freedom."

Dooley doesn't like how Ned stops by every morning for breakfast calzones & flirts with Donna, "fills her mind with talk of body thetans."

“That Ned had the nerve to rip apart a breakfast calzone, said an Operating Thetan is like bacon strip removed from inside with egg brushed off. "

Dooley said Donna got mad at him for acting jealous. He told Donna he didn't think she cared much for him. She said she left Buffalo for him.

He said leaving Buffalo didn't say much. She said she left behind a lucrative snowblower repair business to live in desolation with him.

He said they argued for hours which part of upstate New York was truly most desolate. He said Buffalo. She insisted very spot where they stood.

Dooley said it got real ugly but next thing he knew he & Donna were rolling on the floor of the pizzeria passionately ripping their clothes off.

He said all seemed promising for him to finally make it through the castle gate before Donna stopped him again and brandished a certain culinary item.

I told Dooley "thanks for the friendly tip-off- I'll be sure to refrain from eating at your place ever again."

Dooley said he heard Granny was having a Winter Fest at the Mount Delusion Lodge Valentine's weekend. He was thinking of booking a room.

“What better opportunity for the ultimate romantic experience with Donna than Granny’s Winter Fest on Valentines weekend at Mt. Delusion Lodge."

I said the place stands to be packed with Dolmen Republicans ranting tirelessly about tax policy & neo-pagan druidry, how romantic is that?

Dooley said since he lost all that money on the Eliot Spitzer for President apparel in 2008 he's been reading a lot of reactionary literature.

He started out with "It Takes a Family" then he moved along to "An Inconvenient Book" now he's reading one called "The Audacity of Audacity". Dooley said if he could see Eliot Spitzer as a savior of small business he won't prejudice Dolmen Republicans as a good backdrop to gettin laid.

Dooley said the Dolmens seem to espouse all the simplified business slogans he likes without the shameless filth of Pat Robertson's dogma.

I said to Dooley he had to be careful calling Pat Robertson's dogma "shameless filth" some people regard his insanity as sacred teaching.

He also might sic that shit Ralph Reed on you to 'put you in a body bag'.

No sooner did Dooley leave my humble abode I got a call from Granny, said she heard I had no food. I said no, had a turkey on the campfire.

She said it's time for me to sell her the turkey catapult. She said she wants to help me stop my crazed ways, stop shooting food I don’t have.

She asked me to consider a package deal-- the turkey catapult and the Scatoma Twitter account for 4 figures and 3 sides of culled mutton.

Granny said Juan Carlos agreed with her that acquiring my turkey catapult and Twitter account would go long way to expand her brand.

I said I understood the appeal to acquire the catapult, but I didn't know why Granny didn't want to start up her own Twitter account instead.

She said she liked the idea of an established account followers keep coming to for doing shit. I said, ‘well, yeah, there's no arguing with that benefit.’

Granny said she'd use my Twitter account to post her poetry and comment on current events. "You don't hafta worry bout me wrecking your reputation."

Granny said she's conversant in politics and other nonsense the same as I am.

Granny seemed intent to show off her knowledge of the Massachusetts senate race. Said she didn't like idea of small states having senators.

Granny said "I could see all of New England having two US Senators, covering the New England Patriots market area and there only, not 12."

“Matter of fact, that's how the Senate should be done: 100 senators divided by however many NFL markets there are."

Granny said those New England states are so small you can't even scrape up dirt on your opponent at motels--they never need to use them. Granny said "I have no problem with Scott Brown’s photo spread from the past, I just want to know now why mine kept me off the planning board."

“I kinda understand the misuse of public property thing now," Granny said, "I may have been on the table, but dammit I wasn't on the clock!"

Told Granny she didn't need to say another word. . .if she had any sense of compassion left. . .

Granny said when Dooley called to book the Jungle Love Suite during Winter Fest at Mount Delusion Lodge next month he mentioned the catapult.

Granny said she got to thinking the catapult could provide some entertainment during Winter Fest in place of skiing, which was still banned.

“Dooley told me how well your catapult hurled large snowballs figured folks at the fest could shoot it off, try to sink one in the crevasse."

“Dooley said he planned to sink one in the crevasse at Winter Fest too, but wouldn't have anything to do with the catapult or the mountain."

Told Granny my catapult wasn't for sale, if she wanted one of her own she should check with the dealer, Otsego County Choppers.

Granny said she did that already but they didn’t have anything in stock as massive as mine, theirs wouldn't reach the crevasse from the lodge.

Granny said there was a time when the size of a mans catapult meant something in terms of his power & stature but that time has sadly passed.

Granny said she had in mind to use my catapult to hurl a net over the unsuspecting android at Winter Fest, enable switch of personality module.

Granny said she hired Smidgen, the documentary filmmaker leprechaun, to film the entire Winter Fest, android netting will make good scene.

I expressed doubt that Smidgen was really a leprechaun. Granny said "he's only 4ft tall with a flaming red beard-- how can you prove he's not?"

Granny said her nephew previously known as Ned is gonna help her submit the documentary in Hollywood as a pilot for a reality TV series.

I said "aren't you worried Granny ‘bout people saying a film shot by a leprechaun can't really be 'reality TV'?" Granny replied, "No. . .I'm not."

Granny said "Dr. Egor is on board with Winter fest. . .and he's one of these men of science you admire. Don't tell me you oppose science now." Granny said "Egor's already worked out the math for the trajectories needed to net a psycho android using a large catapult at various distances."

“Thing is that skinny little geek ain't gonna be much use in restraining the android within the net while the personality module is swapped."

“What I need more than anything else is a skilled catapult operator and a skilled livestock wrangler, and in you I'd have both," Granny said.

Told Granny talent don't come cheap--look at the figures in Conan O'Brien's contract buyout--negotiations would need to start at $10 an hour.

Granny said she had in mind giving me 50% stake in Luddite Delight Mini Golf "once we can safely extract the deed from the android's pocket."

Told Granny sounds generous but I still feel guilt taking from a broken vending machine when 7. Extracting deed from android don't sit well.

I said I give a lot of credit to those fellas on Wall Street to be able to do what they do. . . literally.

Granny was pissed, said I needed to cut out the prattle and tell her if I was on board with plan. Said I didn't like it but needed the work.

“I’ll rent my catapult to you Granny, but you'll hafta do a lot better than 3 sides of culled mutton to acquire the Scatoma Twitter account."

Asked Granny if she got a response from Kathleen Turners people regarding Winter Fest. "No, but I got good impersonators for her, Sean &Todd."

Told Granny I was confused: "If this is gonna be a reality TV series pilot, why are you lining up impersonators in place of real people?"

Granny said "I'm working from the Neo-Con create you're own reality playbook. . .they'll greet us in Hollywood as liberators."

I said to Granny "No, they won't!" Granny replied much more fiercely, "Yes, THEY WILL!"

“Is it gonna be you, Granny riding between fake Todd Palin and fake Sean Hannity on the undulating snowmobile, or fake Kathleen Turner?"

Granny said no way in hell would she give up the snowmobile fantasy scene to an understudy.

Granny said she likes the look of that Gerald Ford Jr. came to New York to run for US Senate, wouldn't mind getting him to stop by Winter Fest. “I heard Gerald Ford Jr. isn't Republican though, which is strange because his father was Republican, greatest appointed president we've had."

Granny said "You see that with the love children of famous men sometimes---they want to go off in their own direction apart from their dads."

Granny said speaking of love children: Dooley’s been talking to his mom wanting to know more about his father’s winning smile & confident manner.

Dooley’s mother said she remembers now the man was from Arkansas, spoke with a southern accent, complained a lot about his girlfriend at Yale.

Granny said I bet you Dooley’s father is John Edwards too.

I said John Edwards is too young to be Dooley's father. . . and he's not from Arkansas-- he's from North Carolina.

Granny said "Well, maybe it's Mike Huckabee then." I said "could be."

‘Course I knew Ford Jr. ain't the son of the Prez, just putting one over on Granny. Pretty cool though about Huckabee probably Dooley's Dad.

Ever since Tim Buck II Esq. was rescued from Deer Island he's been laying low at his law office in Oneonta sorting out cases he neglected.

Wasn’t till Granny called demanding Tim's share of the mortgage money that he thought to go to the drop sites, but no hush money was found.

Tim pulled DA aside in court. DA said he gave up idea of statewide office "and people round here have a pretty good idea about me already."

Tim asked, “What about the Skull & Bones hush money?” DA said “we have incriminating surveillance footage of you on the island. Have a nice day.”

Tim said "But I have the bones of Fluffy!" DA said, "No, your boy toy has the bones. . .of Happy. . .another of Prescott's demonic Pom-Poms."

DA said "If you think Skull and Bones would actually leave the Bones of Fluffy out on Deer Island for the Winter, you're insane!"

Tim was facing the DA in court on a peculiar case; the man was accused of causing a riot, cried out "we're hiring!" in a crowded theater.

Tim said clearly the mans arrest was a violation of his free speech rights. DA argued crying out "we're hiring!" in a crowd was an exception.

“If he doesn't like it he can found a multi-billion dollar corporation to finance the political campaigns of those who would change the law" “It might be easier on the guy if he was actually hiring people," the DA continued "but as far as I can tell, he's just fucking around."

Tim could tell the judge was pissed at him for going AWOL. She demanded to know why neither the court nor his clients were given any word.

The judge admonished Tim: "I had 25 defendants in here on public urination cases backed up like an over the road trucker without a rest stop"

Tim has this problem when he's in trouble, can't stop telling tall tales. He told the judge he was in sex addiction therapy with Tiger Woods.

Things only worsened from there; Tim began to stutter, said he didn't mean to suggest he and Tiger had an addiction to sex with each other.

The judge laughed, said she was thinking a lot of things just then, but that wasn't one of them.

Tim said they made it so hard to get calls out because Tiger was in there & everything revolved around Tiger & his need for confidentiality.

The judge rolled her eyes and was going to be done with it, but Tim somehow felt he needed to say something grander: "and then I went insane!"

Judge said "Yeah, well, I was wondering that from the onset--thought sex addiction therapy might be a fluffy euphemism for the coo-coo castle."

Tim broke down before the judge & confessed everything but the judge took his story as a convincing display of the insanity he made claim to.

Tim told the judge he only wanted to fulfill his dream, open a casino in the Catskills to honor his 1/64 Mahican ancestry, but money was short.

So he conspired to increase the amount of extortion money he was getting from Skull and Bones by burglarizing Deer Island for a special item.

This item was the urn containing the bones of Precott Bush's demonic Pomeranian Fluffy, given to Bush as a gift by the Nazis for his lending.

But he didn't count on his escape boat being improperly tied, floating away in the interim, resulting in him becoming stranded for weeks. . .

He explained he survived on horse meat and hydroponic pot scuttled by smugglers due to tightened border security in run up to 2010 Olympics.

“Finally a kindly Amish friend who has an android secretly completin his prison term for him rescued me in his Amish retirement at sea boat." The DA spoke up, "Judge, I have to take the blame here: The coo-coo castle called me weeks ago Tim was in there. I musta forgot to tell you."

Later Tim gave the DA heartfelt thanks "You could have nailed me in there, instead you saved my ass." DA said don't talk dirty like that now.

The DA said "the crooking you did would have been highly regarded by Skull and Bones had it been done for us instead of against us."

Tim said, “Well, they do say 'turnabout about is fair play,'" "Dream on," The DA replied.

Meanwhile, inside his yacht dry-docked at Granny's farm, Pappy was being monitored by the NSA for trying to friend Osama bin Laden on Facebook.

Man in black showed up, misidentified Pappy as Juan Carlos due to the borrowed laptop Pappy was using, said knock it off or he'll be deported.

Man told Pap "last thing we need is bin Laden getting fired up over the cartoons you’re trying to send. We're trying to ignore him, hope he goes away."

“We have predator drones--previously known as cigar-shaped UFOs--that can zap holes in that laptop of yours if need be Senor," the man in black threatened.

Juan Carlos was hiding nearby told Pap later wasn’t happy he might get deported or have his laptop zapped with a laser because of Pap's cartoons.

Pap said "I didn’t know you understood English so well" Juan Carlos said "we understate our abilities to the degree you guys overstate yours."

Pap said at this point his plan to send bin Laden a salacious cartoon depicting him and a certain Mid-East prophet was as good a plan as any.

“Bin Laden's been in ill health, it might be just enough to cause a rupture of a crucial blood vessel--- it's the way pariah Amish do things."

“Seems to me bin Laden's operational capacity has been diminished to same degree the Republican Party has been killed off, " Pappy continued.

Juan Carlos snatched the laptop out of Pap's hand fled the SS T. Boone Pickens said "my future in affiliate marketing is in this damn thing!"

Pappy gave feeble chase to no avail, said "my future is in that laptop too!" Juan Carlos told Pappy he bought a yacht he can buy an ipad then.

Meanwhile, back on campus, Lenny Slackjaw was all too caught up in his new aphrodisiac and making full use of his 3 hour 59 minute erections. After suffering for weeks on Deer Isle, Lenny had no ambition to explore the underground labyrinth beneath Mt. Delusion for moderate separatists.

I should say, until Lenny met Helga, one of the underground dwellers from the women's semi-nude volleyball team found visiting the surface.

It was one of the great regrets of Helga's life that while on 2 hour pass to the surface she would find a man who could hold an erection twice that um, long.

Lenny sensed this regret on Helga's part and gave amorous chase down the Oneonta streets with all the speed his physiological state would allow.

Helga was observed entering the Soccer Hall of Fame and Museum and then entering a broom closet, but when Lenny opened the door, she was gone.

The broom closet was obviously being used as a portal to the underground world, but how? Security arrived to escort Lenny from the premises.

Lenny said "what's the deal? I watched soccer once." Guard said he needed to come back when he was flaccid, "this ain't the golf hall dude."

Once, um, abated, Lenny showed up at Mt. Delusion seeking to rappel down the crevasse in feverish pursuit of Helga, but Granny stopped him.

Lenny said he had a deal with Tim Buck II Esq. that he could make use of the property. Granny put her foot down: "He didn't consult with me!"

Granny explained to Lenny her fake Sean Hannity bailed out on her for Winter Fest on Valentines' weekend.

Granny said, "If you take the role riding snuggled up closely behind me on the undulating snowmobile, I'll grant you access to the crevasse."

Lenny was going to agree to anything just to get down that hole. Granny said she better see him popping out like a groundhog there tomorrow.

Meanwhile Granny's been trying to persuade her sister Bea to leave the comforts of home in Bergen County to come to Pappy's emotional rescue.

“I’d like to see you and Pappy sail off into the sunset. With him here, JC and soon the android, I'll have more sheep tenders than sheep."

Bea told Granny after 65 years of dating she's starting to think maybe she's tired of the bad boys "Wish I'd gone with a non-mobster Amish."

Granny said, “Last thing I need is a Drone flying round during the Fest zaping Juan Carlos' laptop because Pap keeps emailing offensive cartoons to bin Laden.” Granny went on to say she really wished Bea would take Pappy away for the Valentine's weekend: "He may not mesh with the Dolmen Republicans."

Granny had the toughest time explaining the Dolmen Republicans to Bea; she was showing no patience at all, said she couldn't understand them.

“They go through all that effort to please Pat Robertson by rehabbing their homosexuality, and then they go right over to sun worshiping?"

Granny said, "If you go on the premise that homosexuals do what they do just for the hell of it then just about anything will take its place."

“Including Neo-Pagan Druidry though?” Bea wondered. "Yes," Granny replied, "that and Republicanism too."

Granny told Bea she set an expectation of monogamy with Pappy when they bought the SS T. Boone Pickens together for Amish retirement at sea.

“It’s like God saying to old Noah there after he spent years building that ark: 'nice work there pal, but I have different thoughts now.'"

Bea said she and Pappy had a blast in the Summer at the literary symposium at the Buckslayer Motorlodge maybe Winter Fest will rekindle things.

“We’re like Brad & Angelina right now" Bea complained "only older. . .without all those children. . .and of course Pappy's beard is different."

As Granny chatted on the phone she watched Pappy through her window. He toiled on the deck of his yacht splitting wood for his galley stove.

Though buffeted by a cold wind, the rigorous pace by which Pappy split the kindling caused him to overheat, so much so he shed his overcoat.

Granny marveled at Pappy’s physique how well preserved he was. . .in those suspenders, in that hat, with rolled up sleeves & sinewy forearms.

“You leave Pappy hanging too long" Granny warned "someone'll snatch him up on you." Bea was dismissive "Who you thinking, the Mohawk lawyer?"

It took a moment for Bea to realize what Granny was saying, but once it sunk in, she got fired up "Oh no! You lay off him! He's spoken for!"

Bea said, "I know you've said all your life you'd get me back for stealing your boyfriend in high school, but I'm an adult now."

Granny guffawed, "You're telling me big sister you didn't consider yourself an adult at 28 years of age?" Bea said, "I was not 28; I was like 18 and the kid was like 17." Granny said, "No I was like 18 and the kid was like 14.You doubled his age."

Granny said "got an old newspaper stashed somewhere would settle the matter for sure. Remember your nickname in the press "double trouble"?

Bea said, "If my memory serves me correctly "double trouble" had nothing to do with my age, but you and me taken as a pair."

Bea told Granny "if you're so desperate for a man for next week you should look up your ex-husband, Herb. He says he regrets losing you."

“Yeah,” Bea continued, "he said buying that chainsaw without your permission was one of the biggest mistakes he ever made in his life."

Granny had seen similar ploys from Bea in the past. Granny knew better. Still something inside her wanted to believe it was true about Herb.

Granny knew she'd be violating the restraining order, but something compelled her drive to Sidney to see Herb at his mother's house anyway.

Granny was surprised to see that Herb had converted the front of the house into a golf pro shop. How was Herb's mother allowing that?

Herb told Granny to leave pronto. Granny said "Herb, I really wish you'd give me the same 2 hour rule you give for food fallen on the floor."

Herb told Granny, "That was never my rule! I never ate a thing that stayed on the floor a minute longer than a TV show, and you know it!"

Herb asked, "why the hell you here?" It took everything Granny had to admit she had been thinking of him & wanted to see how he was doing.

Herb said "Oh yeah, where were you when Mother died?" Granny said "see, this is like I always say: you can't help but put her in between us."

Herb told Granny, "You're just here because I'm loaded now." Granny said, "No I'm not-- wait, how loaded?"

“Unless sister was lying to me to get me to lay off her Amish boyfriend living in a yacht in my barnyard she said you regret divorcing me."

Granny simply wasn't prepared for what came next. It was as if Herb took his verboten chainsaw and fell a tree right down on her head.

Seemed suddenly now as if Herb actually WAS paying close attention to Granny all those years. . . for the purpose of cold-hearted revenge. “Are you frickin kidding?!" Herb ripped into her heartlessly "Regret?! Lady I didn't buy a chainsaw that day-I bought a ticket to freedom!"

“With you out of my life and Tiger laid up I might finally conquer the non-video game golf world too," Herb proclaimed.

“That tumor is affecting more than your sense of smell nowadays, ain't it?" Granny asked Herb.

“There you again," Herb replied to Granny "mocking my pro golf aspirations & the vestige of my twin brother's fetus encapsulated in my brain."

“Augh!” Granny replied while gagging. She ran back to the truck to flee. "You know when you describe your tumor that way it makes me vomit!"

“Yeah, well if I can ever find someone with the skill and confidence to remove him I'll mail him to you in a jar so you can meet the bugger."

Yeah, grass won't be growing much on that spot in Herb's front yard.

Granny drove home an emotional mess. How did she end up diverted onto Herb when the final preparations for Winter Fest needed completion?

There were still catering issues, lodging issues. . .a million & one items. She hadn't even paid Smidgen, the leprechaun reality filmmaker yet.

People were calling her left & right wanting to know this & that. She began to wonder what it was that prompted her to do this all again.

She knew thoughts of Herb were getting in her way impeding her ability to face the tasks at hand & yet there he was encapsulated in her mind.

Who knew Herb's mother would ever die or that Herb would ever be loaded, rich enough to build a golf pro shop in the front of his house.

Oh, the arguments she would get into with that old woman, as if she really knew a better way to control Herb than Granny did. . .

The arguments over Herb's "tumor", good Lord, Herb's mother would never allow it to be referred to that way. And it was never to be removed.

That was the vestigial remnant of her child encapsulated in Herb's brain. She preferred a Plexiglas plate be put in the side of Herb's head.

Herb’s mother knew the Plexiglas had worked on that cow’s stomach on display at Cornell, window on the human brain couldn’t be much different. Things could be different this time without Herb's mother around. If only Herb hadn't put on such a convincing show of hatred towards Granny.

Herb’s rage & Granny's feelings of rejection aside, there was still something alluring about a Herb with money & a restored sense of smell.

Granny fondly recalled the day she watched Herb tell his mother NO for the first time. "I will not put a Plexiglas plate in my head, Mamma."

Meanwhile, back at Dooley's Pizza, the real Donna Martin---the hottest pregnant +35 virgin in USA---was resistant to going to the Lodge at Mt. Delusion.

Donna questioned how she and Dooley could afford such a thing. "And what would be the point?" She asked. Dooley said "It's for Valentines."

Donna said "you're not going to trick me with your lust driven facade of flowers, candles and sappy poems. We've been down this road before."

Like I said before, I didn't work all these years becoming the hottest +35 virgin in the USA just to throw it away for a moment of passion."

Dooley thought long and hard about his dilemma. Was he approaching the matter from the right angle? Was he thinking too much inside the box?

Clearly Donna's identity had become wrapped up too much in her virginity. Dooley needed to find something new she could latch onto instead.

Dooley asked Donna what she'd like to be famous for instead if she were to give up on being the hottest +35 virgin "like this weekend".

Donna said "That's easy: I want my 9 inch long fingernails I used to have before Sally Struthers got me into snowblower repair."

“You want to do everything for me like a slave so I can grow my fingernails back, maybe I can yield some on the virginity front," Donna joked.

“Why stop at 9 inch long fingernails, Donna?" Dooley joked "Why don't you go for the world record held by that guy in India?"

Donna said "I'm telling you, you free me from all housework, working at the pizzeria and changing the new baby's diapers, I would do it."

Dooley was incredulous. Donna said "to have fingernails like that guy in India, yeah, I would hang up the hot virginity title for that."

“Like this weekend though?" Dooley inquired. "If you can get the contract drafted that soon, sure," Donna replied. No sooner did Dooley think to himself "where am I gonna find an attorney to draft a contract like that?" Tim Buck II Esq. entered the eatery.

Tim was on his way to Mt. Delusion Lodge to have Granny sign papers taking all responsibility for the inevitable catastrophes at Winter Fest.

Tim was also bringing papers to Granny seeking her approval for him to sell his share of Mt. Delusion Resort to ILMH Inc "like this weekend".

Tim tried to dissuade Dooley from his plan to no avail. "Regrettably, I've become something of an expert on really bad ideas" Tim confessed.

Smidgen the leprechaun reality filmmaker arrived during last minute set up for Winter Fest in time to film a blowup between Granny & Dr Egor.

Dr. Egor was helping set up the turkey catapult checking the trajectories & so on when he began mocking the Dolmen Republicans as they arrived.

“You may see vibrant democracy with these clowns," Dr. Egor ridiculed, "But I see vibrant pluralistic ignorance."

Granny was not gonna have that: "leave it to you egotistical scientists to try to adulterate politics at ever turn!"

Granny told Dr, Egor, "Look where hubris got you scientists with regard to that global warming scandal."

Dr. Egor told Granny, "look where the Dunning-Kruger Effect got your electorate with regard to your political platform."

Dr. Egor said poor rural folks need to stop supporting policies that promote Wall St. banditry & pay more heed to colleges with lame sports.

Granny said "arrogant, atheistic, geeky, wimpy scientists" have no business telling country folks what to do. "That's the preacher's job."

Dr. Egor said being dim and cocksure about the dim and cocksure is a recipe for worldwide disaster nowadays, Viagra's advent notwithstanding.

Granny said "'dim and cocksure'? You people never stop obsessing over George W. Bush, do you?

Dr. Egor said he was concerned, said he hadn't seen Granny so irascible since recovery from her bionic surgery, when he gave her Thorazine.

“We’re gonna have all we can do to catch this android to swap out it's personality module, I don't need you wigging out again too" he said. Granny’s thoughts wandered to her meeting with Tim Buck II Esq. She wondered if it was a mistake to let him to sell his share of Mt Delusion.

With Tim she knew she could gain the upper hand in executive decisions with a Mohawk- flattening wallop. Who knew what hair style ILMH Inc. had.

Just as Granny had finished signing Tim's documents he turned to her with a smile: "I hear Ronnie Bobbins will be suing over the symposium."

From there Granny got in a spat with Dooley. Dooley accused Granny of trying to meddle with his sexual contract with the real Donna Martin.

Granny told Donna she was wrong to give up her +35 virginity title in exchange for leisure to grow foot-long nails like that guy in India.

“The Edwina Scissorhands bit will just drive men the other way, sweetheart," Granny tried to counsel Donna.

Donna pointed out she has a masters in fine arts: “I can tape paint brushes to my long nails, resume my long neglected Buffalo at Dawn series.”

Granny’s interest was momentarily piqued: "Ooh, I love paintings of herds on Western plains at dawn." Donna said she meant Buffalo the city.

If you asked Dooley he'd say he never had the chance to de-blossom Donna Martin at Winter Fest. If you asked Donna though, she'd say he did.

Dooley & Donna would agree though that their special moment in the Jungle Love Suite was disturbed irreparably by tiny bloodsucking insects.

The moment Donna discovered the hideous welts all over her body, she panicked and fled screaming "BED BUGS!" at the top of her lungs.

Some of the Dolmen Republicans who saw Donna run through the reception room took her lack of modesty as a sign she was in labor. . .

Others who had more to drink saw her as a fertility goddess who, accompanied with the right tax policies, would end the recession for good.

Smidgen, reality filmmaker, alleged leprechaun, caught entire Donna Martin freak out on film gave Granny hearty albeit microscopic thumbs up.

Granny wasn't amused, told Smidgen the lawsuits are just starting to be filed from symposium last summer "Winter Fest will about destroy me."

Smidgen scolded Granny, said she needed to make up her mind what she wanted most-- a successful gathering, or a successful reality TV pilot. Granny told Smidgen she wasn't sure whether she was cut out for these gatherings anymore if it's true you really can get your ass sued off.

Smidgen called it a production expense. Granny said "it's like personal injury attorneys are snatching up last bit of freedom we have left."

Granny expressed worry that the android hadn't shown up yet. Lenny Slackjaw hadn't emerged from the crevasse for the snowmobile scene either.

Little did Granny know her farm guest Pappy would use every bit of his Amish mobster guile to set up his own android ambush at Granny's farm.

Pappy’s plan to take back his mini-golf course deed from the android was based partly on his recollection of the android's assembly manual.

The plan was also based somewhat on a pirated Steinbeck classic Pappy downloaded onto Juan Carlos laptop one cold day weeks earlier.

Having convinced the android via email to visit Granny’s farm first before joining the Dolmen Republicans at Winter Fest, Pappy’s trap was set.

Regaling the android with tales of mini-golf ownership Pappy stealthily procured a VHS remote while the android stared across the West Branch.

“What about rabbits?" The android asked, "Does Luddite Delight Mini-Golf have rabbits?" "Certainly" Pappy said, remote raised "fluffy ones."

Pappy earlier learned the android's personality module in its frontal lobe was housed in nothing more than a stock part--a VCR tape ejector.

Anyone holding onto an old VHS system to watch porn in the basement could simply use the remote controller to instantly disable the android.

Of course being Amish living in a dry-docked yacht with no basement to hide porn or old VCRs in, Pappy needed to borrow someone elses remote.

Fortunately Granny didn't lock her cellar door. Yeah, in just a split second the android was completely disabled, no fight, no elaborateness.

The problem was the android didn't have the mini golf course deed on him, only a note saying he anticipated this trouble and locked it away.

Pappy had no other choice but to reactivate the android to interrogate it, but he was sure to remove the android's limbs first for safety.

The android refused to give up deed's whereabouts. When Juan Carlos saw Pappy speaking to android's head, thought he was practicing Hamlet. Pappy wasn't getting anywhere with the android's head, took it into the cellar to torture it with tapes Granny had made with her ex, Herb.

Juan Carlos called Granny at Winter Fest on his new iphone. Granny was furious: My leprechaun filmmaker ain’t half the trouble of that Amish!

Granny questioned how Pappy knew about the "intimacy" tapes she made with Herb kept in the cellar. Juan Carlos said he knew about them too.

Juan Carlos told Granny he hated to say it, but the high volume she set things nowadays must reflect really bad hearing loss on her part.

Granny said "if you just said what I thought you said Juan Carlos, I'm gonna kill ya!"

Without an android to ambush via net fired from catapult Granny thought reality TV pilot was lost. Smidgen filmed Granny's tirade unworried.

Having spent all that time calculating trajectories needed to net the android with the catapult no one was angrier with Pappy than Dr. Egor.

Dr. Egor went into a tirade too said something about 'time to kick some Luddite Amish ass'. Granny broke in: he'll whoop your skinny geek ass.

Meanwhile Pappy’s method of torture showing Granny’s homemade porn to get the android to give up the location of the mini golf deed didn’t work.

“You have to understand," the android told his Amish captor, "I've been designed specifically to perform amid this type of horror."

Granny called her sister Bea to complain about Pappy. Granny said she felt violated. Bea laughed a bit, said "so now you know how we feel!"

Granny said she wasn't joking---she wanted Pappy and his stinking boat off her property pronto. Bea said formal eviction might be required now.

“I’ve been out the sheep tending services of that android near 4 months now because of you and that boyfriend of yours," Granny complained

“What I want to know, Sister is how my Amish boyfriend knows about your stash of porn in your cellar!" Bea replied to Granny on the phone.

“You had the nerve to get me thinking Herb regretted the divorce, maybe I ought to lead you to believe Pappy and I filmed a session or two."

Bea laughed a little bit, told Granny "everything I learned about bluffing well I learned from you. . .because your bluffs are so flawed." “That’s a slanderous insult Bea!" Granny ejected "I've always been a better bluffer than you. That why the CIA took me & left you behind!"

“Maybe your lame powers of deception still work on that gang of sex-starved sycophants yah got collected round yah like Madonna, but not me"

“If I allowed myself to be trotted around Washington to prop up the facade of J. Edgar's heterosexuality, they'd take me first," Bea said.

“Can think all you want my work with J Edgar was the only reason the CIA took me," Granny told Bea, "bottom line, I've got game, you don't!"

“It so happens I'm asked to come out of retirement all the time" Granny bragged to her sister, "I could be back in the game now if I wanted."

“I stirred up trouble successfully between Raul and Fidel in '64, I could do it again now," Granny continued.

Bea laughed, said "And you say I'm showing signs of losing my faculties to age!"

Bea said "I'll believe the CIA has another mission for you Mildred the day that no- account boyfriend of yours makes money from his writing."

My grandson Ned says the book on Scatoma is that he's Mark Twain without the humor," Bea continued.

“I’ve always said: if you find people are ridiculing you, there's something like a 50/50 chance you’re doing something special," Granny replied.

Bea said Ned is in negotiations for "Forbidden Love on the Susquehanna."

“A hard-coal country belle and an Amish widower discover they have more than a watershed in common."

“Ned insists his story has nothing at all to do with my torrid love affair with Pappy, but of course I know better," Bea said. “Well it sure must be fiction, unless leaving your boyfriend alone out in boat for the Winter-- in a barnyard!--- constitutes TORRID love."

“I don't know Bea, seems like yesterday you were questioning why you hadn't gone with a non-mafia Amish, that you were sick of the bad boys."

“Now all a sudden your grandson Ned decides to go Nicholas Sparks on your shit and you got in mind you got this TORRID love affair going."

Bea said she couldn't talk much more, said she was on her way up to spend time with Pappy, had to pass some young idiot texting a term paper. Meanwhile, the android was doing everything within his power to persuade Pappy not to reprogram him or dismantle him further.

“Wouldn’t it be nice to have an android head available to you day & night with the insight & judgment of the world's top software designer?"

Pappy said if he made it through life to this point without electricity can't see why an android head would be so essential to his survival.

Android said he can be used as an alarm clock or a GPS navigator- "If nothing else I can ride along on your shoulder like a pirate's parrot."

Pappy said he doesn’t need to wake up at any particular hour anymore, prefers now not to know where he’s going & doesn’t care for talking birds.

“What you really need to do is give me back my deed to the Luddite Delight Mini-Golf course, conveniently located off Rt.322, East of Hershey."

“You may need my protection from Jihad Jane after the government flubs her trial" the android said "she sure hates those cartoons you emailed."

“I hear several members of Jihad Jane's book club have left their well-manicured suburban homes, presumed now to be operating underground."

Pappy said there were any number of reasons why other ladies in Jihad Jane's book club can't be found, said "you're just trying to scare me."

“You can't just draw salacious cartoons of Osama bin Laden together with a certain Mideast prophet and email them off and not pay dearly."

“You also can’t draw cartoons of Lindsay Lohan drinking too much milk" the android followed "bet you didn't know I knew about that, but I do."

Pappy was furious. He began to raise the VCR remote to shut down the android forever but the android spoke up in time for Pappy to rethink.

“My attorney in Watertown---the one prepared to assert my corporate personhood---is tracking my whereabouts through brown-bicuspid technology."

“He’s big," the android said of his Watertown attorney, "used to be a pro-wrestler. Keeps in top shape through the constant snow shoveling."

“You deny me my civil rights to live in liberty, my attorney will sue your Amish ass & pile drive your ass, possibly both at the same time."

Pappy had to worry now-If true the android had established corporate personhood, this was no mere machine now-Its rights far exceeded anyone. And if true the android had hired an attorney who could pile-drive Pappy's Amish ass literally & figuratively, then that just was not good.

Meanwhile, back at Mt. Delusion, Vladmir slogged through a stand-up routine in his latest attempt to achieve world domination. . .through comedy.

Vladmir was cruising at first, utilizing ribald versions of top nursery rhymes to ridicule Al Gore as ably as Andrew Dice Clay demeans women.

Vladmir had a joke about Al Gore taking a masculinity test in Cosmo to determine where he might stand in male pecking order of Brady Bunch.

Vladmir said Al Gore tested as a "Theta Male" on Brady Bunch, ranking ahead of Bobby, but behind both Peter and Alice.

Vladmir may have been OK if he left it there, but he forgot his audience, began ridiculing Alice and Sam the butcher as rehabbed homosexuals.

“And what about Alice's identical twin sister?" Vladmir continued, "the drill sergeant? There's a case to continue Don't Ask Don't Tell."

For a PR man-skillful in being insulting & demeaning in much less overt ways-Vladmir began to worry he may take a slight dent to his career.

Vladmir knew he needed to get back on course- get back to ridiculing Al Gore- but again it seemed he had forgotten who his audience was. These were not any old Republicans after all-these were DOLMEN Republicans- Log Cabin folks who rehabbed their sexuality & took up Paganism.

Though true Dolmens challenge the assertion global warming is man-made, & therefore share in ridicule of Al Gore--they do accept it's happening.

Dolmens believe the sun sends out solar flares to influence Earth's climate as punishment for humans failure to worship it like they used to.

Vladmir was oblivious to this: "These idiots who believe solar flares are influencing climate ought to go Pagan & throw Al Gore down a volcano"

The Dolmen mob moved suddenly on Vladmir at that point seeking to tear him limb from limb. He had all he could do to break free and run.

At the entry of the lodge Vladmir ran into a woman in a skimpy cowgirl outfit seeking to serve Granny lawsuit papers from Ronnie Bobbins.

She was Lindsay Lowenbrau from Long Island, the process-serving/ stripping cowgirl.

Lindsay Lowenbrau carries a lasso to use in her entertainment act. She also uses it to wrangle in respondents reluctant to accept her papers. It was sort of good & bad fortune both that Lindsay had the lasso with her. Good fortune that it enabled her & Vladmir to climb the catapult.

Bad fortune because the catapult was all ready to fire & I had no way of fending off the mob to stop. The slip pin was pulled. Both were hurled.

Vladmir and Lindsay didn't exactly land inside the crevasse in the mountain. They kind of landed above it and then slid downward into it.

Lenny Slackjaw just emerged from the crevasse minutes earlier but he liked what he saw of Lindsay flying through the air & wanted to return.

Smidgen the leprechaun reality filmmaker got the whole catapult scene on tape. Thoughts of litigation began to temper his euphoria though.

Smidgen raced up Mt. Delusion to the edge of the crevasse on a snowmobile, with Granny riding behind him and Lenny Slackjaw behind her.

If Vladmir or Lindsay managed to cling to the side of the abyss, they had since lost the strength to hold on. They were nowhere to be seen. Lenny Slackjaw was willing to descend the crevasse to attempt a rescue, but Granny insisted he first snowmobile back to the lodge with her.

“Yeah” Granny sighed, "I really need to stop having these gatherings" Who did Granny find just then at the base of the mountain but her Ex, Herb.

To be continued. . .

“I haven't really been in a coma for the last 23 years either.”

“Either the people with the most to say will say very little, or the people with the most to say will say very little.”

“Picaresque: It was the first. . . it is the best.”