Granny Lynch Rents the Buckslayer Motorlodge in Bainbridge for a Literary Symposium A Tweet Story written from June to September 2009 by @Scatoma

Mildred Lynch aka “Granny”: a retired CIA assassin who lives in rural Hamden, NY, where she raises Dorset sheep and runs embroidery and vanity press side businesses. She is a stalker fixated on retired NBA legend, Rik Smits.

Scatoma: An underachieving upstate NY writer. His only publishing credit is in an historical journal--- a short biography of ancestor known to be The Minstrel Song King of the Nickelodean Era. Scatoma lives in a sportsman shack built too close to the river and drives a Suzuki Esteem. He becomes financially indebted to Granny and is compelled to help her carry out an ill-contrived plan to promote her publishing business by convening a literary symposium at the Buckslayer Motorlodge.

Lucy aka “Cindy” Goosey: Granny’s daughter, mother to Chuckie. She is large, strapping woman of Amazon proportions. She is a major hashish dealer in Orange County, NY. She sends Chuckie to stay with Granny for the summer after she breaks her leg.

Chuckie Goosey: Granny’s grandson. He is 6’-5” and 300lbs at 7 years-old. Chuckie’s father forges his birth certificate to make Chuckie eligible to the CFL draft. Chuckie is drafted by the Edmonton Eskimos before the scheme is revealed.

Juan Carlos: An illegal alien from Mexico who provides sheep shearing services to Granny. He also is Granny’s Mary Kay supplier and is a font of skin care knowledge.

Ned: Granny’s nephew. An aspiring TV writer who had a script optioned once. He is initially engaged to present a lecture at the symposium. Ned has more followers than Scatoma on Twitter and Scatoma derides him as a purveyor of haughty unhelpful advice.

Tantra Bea: Granny’s older sister and author of two early treatises from the 1950’s on female sexual pleasure. She is called upon to present a lecture at the symposium amid Scatoma’s protest of nepotism. She is Ned’s grandmother.

Ronnie Bobbins: An internationally known self-help author who promotes gaining wealth through lawsuits, pulchritude for men, and the elimination of sleep. He is the top headliner engaged to lecture during the symposium. He is prone to public relation gaffes, yet he has grown tired of close PR management by his “wingman“ Vladmir.

Grizzly Pete Adams: Owner of a small tour bus company. He is Grizzly Bob Adams’ twin brother. He is called upon to provide bus service to assist Granny’s enterprise.

Grizzly Bob Adams: a Vietnam veteran who provides unlicensed family therapy from a hovel on the top of Slide Mountain in the central Catskills.

Tim Buck II Esq.: An Oneonta, NY attorney who represents arrested college students in public urination and capital murder arrests. He is trying to overcome rumors he is carrying out an affair with the local DA. He claims to be a childhood friend of Paul Ruebens of Pee Wee Herman fame. He begins invoking his 1/64 Mahican ancestry and begins wearing a Mohawk.

AmishRage: An Amish teenager who sneaks off the farm to text, get tattoos and

bMhdkasVe score with Goth chicks. Despite these interesting activities, he is preoccupied with writing a lousy fictional work called “Dukes of Intercourse.” He is the grandson of Pappy, the Amish shed Don. AmishRage dates a punker chick who belongs to a punk band in Oneonta, NY called “Eliot Spitzer for President”. He becomes the band’s drummer.

Pappy: An Amish farmer of ill-repute and Don of a backyard shed empire. He is the target of government probe. His assets are seized under RICO statutes. As a result he is forced to live in exile in a land of poor soil and bleak tourism.

Farmers Gone Soft: A radical off-shoot of Future Farmers of America. They advocate discontinuing use of farm animals for food while preventing the animals from going extinct. The group become involved in protesting treatment of Pappy’s draft horse.

Dooley: Proprietor of “Dooley’s Pizza” of Andes, NY. He is an early advertiser on Scatoma’s Twitter account. He later lobbies Scatoma to obtain a catering contract for Granny’s symposium.

Donna Martin: a resident of Buffalo, NY who was inspired to remain chaste after Tori Spellings’ character on 90210 of her same name does so. Donna writes an inspirational autobiography and is selected to speak at Granny’s symposium, where she bills herself as “The hottest virgin over the age 35 in America.”

Larry the Genital Wart Ad Actor: An actor hired by someone to pose as an author writing a story similar to Granny’s life in order to scare her. It is later feared that he was murdered.

@DooleysPizza Andes, NY. Pride of the Pepacton Watershed. "We put the Italians down Rt.28 to shame."

@AmishRage I know it's every Amish boy's dream to leap the nag and cart over the state hwy, but Dukes of Hazard has already been done B4.

Dooley shouldn't put down the Italians. Who knows if he is 1 2. His mother was Dooley, his father had a winning smile and a confident manner

After leaving Delhi Tech he hit a curb and made it all the way to Andes before the rubber was off the rim entirely. Been there ever since

@DooleysPizza Oops. Sorry Dooley. I mean it man.

@DooleysPizza Luigi's $12 means nothing to me in comparison to our friendship, Dooley.

@DooleysPizza I told him I would not mention his place, down Rt. 28 in Bovina, or mention his reasonable prices either. No worries.

“Pride of the Pepacton watershed" was mine. I gave that away. Now Dooley has it trademarked. Tells me I can't use it He calls ME the traitor

@GrannyMPress Self-publishing for self-taught & stubborn "Grammar is the bane of humanity" Also, embroidery and Dorset sheep Downtown Hamden

She didn't like "Redneck publisher." She's afraid she would elevate the term. Anyway, books aren't just for burnin any more.

If I dip below 900 Granny's gonna cut me back $2.

hefstdDr@mAI Granny M never got over there to Woodstock, but her ex has often said she likely slept with someone once who did.

@AmishRage an Amish kid sneaking off the farm 2 text, get tattoos and score with Goth chicks doesn't need 2 bother w/ fiction. See Granny M

@AmishRage Whatta yah mean how much are her Dorsets?

Please check out @StoneysHydroponics "It's not just about growing pot in the hall closet" Webb Rd. Binghamton, just past the rendering plant

Stoney says his name is really Stone thats why people started callin him that And I'm sure his high electric bill can B completely explained

A lot of new accounts today. I'll post them soon. Please check them out.

Tim Buck II Esq. Public urination arrests and capital murder "It's a lie I'm in cahoots with the DA" Equidistant to the colleges Oneonta, NY

Winchmasters: "I lost my job on the downer stock market, but I found a new one in the downer livestock market" near Al Turi dump, Goshen, NY

Winchmasters: "I have a winch on my rig that can thread a dead camel through the eye of a needle."

Tim Buck has a higher conviction % than the DA, that's for sure. I figure When 2 people are in love, it's really no 1 elses business anyway.

Yeah apparently winchmasters wife had other plans 4 the severance check You think hauling dead livestock is ugly u wait until they hit court

Grizzly Bobs Fam Therapy 4X4 requird "Don't be scared by my looks, I know what I'm doing" Top of Slide Mt. Rock salt @ most points of trail

Grizzly Bob's Family Therapy: "Think of the arduous journey to and from my home office as essential bonding for you and your family."

Grizzly Bob's Family Therapy: "Compared to Yoda I'm much taller, slightly more unsightly, just as learned."

Grizzly Bob: "My months of survival behind enemy lines in Nam gives me the unique experience required to provide healing to your family."

Grizzly Bob's Family Therapy: "My last name is actually Adams, but I don't want to infringe."

I guess when you've gone unlicensed since like the 1980's, squatting on state land just as long, why stop now?

Too bad the state sold off all their helicopters, they could have done something to shut him down.

Otsego Co. Choppers Tricked out farm equip. for Halloween/everyday fun. Hurl bloody silage 150ft. South New Berlin,W.of W.Laurens &W.Oneonta

Only thing about OCC (North) if u buy a demonstration model, have them powerwash good. I think I got salmonella from their turkey catapult

sG@cIAtephdouijbg Granny M actually passed on AmishRage's "Dukes of Intercourse", but he'll get his choice of ram lamb next spring in a three-figure deal.

“We are Farmers Gone Soft (FGS) of the Lower Leatherstocking Region, a renegade offshoot of the FFA."

“We believe farm animals shouldn't be used for food, but shouldn't be allowed to go extinct either."

“It’s a tough problem, we know, but we're arming ourselves with acronyms."

“Here’s one: WAHM-MILF"

“When Animals Hate Mankind, Mankind Is Left Friendless."

“We understand the term MANKIND is outdated, but we like the response we've been getting with that one and don't want to tinker now."

Scatoma doesn't necessarily endorse the views of FGS, but does endorse pocketing their $6.45

Going "hiking on the Appalachian Trail" for about one week. Hope to see at least a dozen of you when I get back.

Argentine Jails are not that great, but not as bad as I feared either.

I guess its pretty easy 4 a woman to say theyr your soulmate Its also pretty easy for them to use their granddaughters photo 4 their profile

Of course I didn't use any public money for my trip to Argentina. That would be stupid.

Ever since Granny M found out I went all the way down to Argentina to meet a lady who turned out to be 78 years old she hasn't left me alone

Just because Granny M paid to get me out of the hoosegow now she thinks she friggin owns me That's how livestock owners are Power & control

I knew it was a mistake to rent Harold and Maude with her that rainy Saturday last month.

I thought if I heard one more word from Granny M about Demi and Ashton I would vomit. . .

Then I heard her lament it was too late for her to secure the name "GMILF" for her gmail account and I really did vomit.

She’s tacking on the cost of replacement of her Persian rug to the rest of what I owe her as we speak. . .

Granny M says I'm going no where with my personal branding campaign. She sure hates "Braggadocious with Halitosis" All more reason to keep

Granny says I'm wasting my time writing about farm folk, says I should B writing about vampires and zombies who kill & love in equal measure

I don't want to write about freaking zombies and vampires. You know what the hell's wrong with being a regional crank?

cog“tdAfswmvha So she says maybe I could add some vampire farmers into my stories about the Pepacton watershed I scoffed at the time but now I'm ruminating

I don't know why Granny M doesn't hit up her nephew Ned to help draw traffic to her self-publishing biz. He had a TV pilot optioned once.

He’s one of these haughty advice guys now who doesn't really have solutions for anything. 14,000 followers though:

He tweets,"If UR someone who doesn't know what's on their own mind w/o speaking aloud first, my suggestion, find a new way 2 think."

Ned had an agent once. Guy told Ned he had the right, middle-level talent to go far in TV writing, but then the agent left him high and dry.

Sounds like sour grapes to me, but Ned is convinced he was blackballed from Hollywood. I asked him, "why the hell would you think that?"

Ned said all distraught like that he thought it would be cute to adapt a joke about Mormons and Catholics to be about Scientologists instead

I say to him, "well, you could have done worse than joke about Scientologists, I suppose." His head went straight down. "Oh, dear. . ."

I guess I have to say, as much as I hate to admit it, maybe Ned really does have the right middle-level talent to go far.

Before their divorce, Granny M's Ex confessed to behavior detrimental to the marriage---he bought a chainsaw without Granny's permission.

Granny’s all up in my grill about my personal branding campaign, but her slogan is "grammar is the bane of humanity" There's some PR prowess

She says she doesn't want to frighten off "otherwise talented individuals" from pursuing their dreams because of grammar insecurities. Yeah.

U should see all the hundreds of things she embroidered over the years that R misspelled. Thank godness her costumers dont no any bettor.

Granny M's biggest connection 2 the real literary world is through her friendship w/ Irish writer Frank McDoodle, of "Angelina's Arses" fame

I guess Frank keeps a flock of Dorsets on his place over there in the Berkshires. He and Granny "swap out rams from time to time".

Kudos to Frank for transcending obscenity charges and finding his place in the pantheon of high art.

Not sure I could get away w/ what he did, growing up poor in Dublin, observing mother always succumbing 2 male interest in her extra buttock

Granny M's nephew Ned's latest gem: "the best way to keep you house from being destroyed by fire, keep it completely submerged in water."

It took his failure to drown after a fall in the raging Beaverkill for Ken to realize he was immortal.

hPafHstm"pwdr It took the revelation of his immortality (not to mention his unexplained obsession with blood pudding) for him to realize he was a vampire

It took the revelation he was a vampire for him to realize he had been living a double life in an amnesiac fugue.

It took the revelation he had been in an amnesiac fugue to realize he was a laid- off news anchor for a major TV network in Utica.

Ken Zen: Sportsman Shack Realtor, Dissociative Fly Fisherman, former news anchor, vampire

Granny can't stand Kenny Z. the sportsman shack realtor vampire. She said I'm mocking a vertebrated genre. Venerated, did you mean?

That’s almost as good as Granny saying the other day she want to have a literary emporium this summer. She meant literary SYMPOSIUM.

Granny says she can rent-out the Buck Slayer Motorlodge in Bainbridge for her self-published writer's symposium at a cheap, off-season rate.

I said to her "it's not even mid-summer, what are you talking about, OFF SEASON?" She said rifle season doesn't start until November. This is the Buck Slayer's slow period

She promises her symposium will be Bainbridge's most significant cultural event since Joseph Smith's arrest in 1826 as a disorderly person.

My ad accounts have gone dormant mostly, but Tim Buck II Esq is still talking to me. He regrets his last slogan and wants to get a new one.

He realizes now he probably helped the rumor grow that he was in cahoots with the DA by denying it up front. Not sharpest attorney that one.

He asked if it might help win favor with arrested Oneonta students if they knew he was childhood friends with Paul Rubenfeld, aka Ruebens

I said it's not 1985 anymore These kids don't know who Pee Wee Herman is Most were still in diapers when Paul was arrested 4 public lewdness

He boasts, "i could have gotten him off that, and the kiddie porn thing that came later!" Yeah. . .OK there, Tim.

Tim Buck II Esq "Call me when UR in trouble when UR drinking I'm a lot cooler than UR thinking HA HA Heh Heh Heh"Stoneonta between colleges

So who calls after all these weeks but ol' Dooley. Seems he heard about Granny's symposium and asked I'd lobby her for a catering contract.

Said that's fine Dooley I'll ask 4 U but I want my damn tag line back. U have no business calling yourself "Pride of the Pepacton Watershed"

I’ll speak w/ Granny tomorrow when I try to work off my debt to her, get those sheep sheared before they start dropping in the heat. Lovely

Thanks to the damn Australians the damn wool is worthless. Time to trade out the Dorsets for some Katahdins lady.

odvmespDwlUb I got to Granny's and she said, "no bother. The third time was a charm and Juan Carlos, my shearing guy, finally got back over the border."

I said you must be happy to have your shearer back. She said, "Shearer hell! Juan Carlos is my Mary Kay supplier!"

I said to Granny "where is Juan Carlos then?" She said "He's heading up I-81 in a Winnebago as we speak. Told me himself on the cell phone"

I said "U spoke 2 him in Spanish?" She said "Yeah I spoke 2 him in Spanish." I said "didn't know U spoke Spanish where'd ya learn Spanish?"

She said "They had me hunting down Che in Bolivia in '65. If anyone asks though I was in the Peace Corps, got me, Champ?"

So I said, "I showed up. We're good then with my debts." She said "Hell! No way are we settled! UR gonna take care of the talent next month"

I said, "good, I can think of a lot of good writers to invite to present workshops, Scatoma among them." She said "You took me wrong, boy."

She said "UR gonna make sure they're fed&cared for." I said "That's like a bell boy! Squandering of talent! Why can't I present a workshop?"

Granny stabs heart: "a published biographer of the minstrel song king of the Nickelodeon Era does not a desirable workshop presenter make."

“But he was a vertebrated ancestor!"

Said2 Granny"What makes you so different than the rest of the publishing industry. UR just as risk adverse seems to me. Y not invest in me?"

“Investin in your CAREER w/ your attitude is the literary equivalent of a sub- prime mortgage on a sportsman shack built 2 close 2 the river"

Apparently Rik Smits is not the only dude Granny's been stalking. Seems funny she would know so much about my real estate situation at home.

So Granny says, "you say I'm RISK ADVERSE. Maybe you can give me an example then of a manuscript I turned down for publication."

I said to Granny, I said, ah, "you forget so soon---you turned down AmishRage's DUKES OF INTERCOURSE trilogy!"

She said, "Like I said, tell me one manuscript I turned down for publication."

Granny: "Stars today know 2 shred mail. Letters they get from pests who need 2B shamed R put in the trash for the paparazzi 2 put on ebay."

Granny whipped out a letter from her fatigues. The Donald Duck design overlay was all 2 familiar, the burger stains were not. My heart sunk.

“Dear @Oprah," Granny read "Dear Opster, Dear Oprah-rama-ding-dong: Say something 2 put traffic 2 @Scatoma & I won't make fun of you there."

“Really, cowboy, snail mail? How freakin' 20th century. Give it up 2 Big O 4 leaving enough of her cheeseburger on it to make it marketable"

CWswabN“UpoDS2l “Yeah well when U have a flood & lose your dialup because your phone line snapped & was carried downstream U go back 2 the Disney pad again"

“You mean to tell me you don't have a freakin' iphone yet?!!!"

So somehow I managed to broach Dooley's interest in providing catering for the literary symposium at the Buck Slayer Motorlodge next month

She said, "I heard about Dooley He's a pretty tall fella ain't he? Cause I like em tall" Yeah, me & the Dunkin' Dutchman know it both, lady.

“I met his ex-girlfriend at a strip poker game in Delhi, " Granny continued, "she was ruinin' everything yammerin' on and on about DOOLEY."

“What are you looking at me funny for? " Granny says to me all defensively, "Herb and I were split by then cause of him buyin' the chainsaw"

That wasn't why I was looking funny at her, but OK.

“I heard Dooley can make Pizza & calzones in any kind of weather but he's only good at classic French entrees unless he's stoned on hashish"

“Yeah” I said in reply to Granny "U heard right. That's spot on." She said "Some1 will have to get some hashish 4 him 4 the symposium then."

Last summer Dooley abandoned a huge storage unit full of customized apparel. The entire lot sold off for 5 bucks after he invested thousands

Who knew a punk band named "Eliot Spitzer for President" would emerge and have such a devoted, free-spending fan base.

So I asked Granny, U know, just how long this freakin symposium was gonna be. She said she thought three or four days, over a long weekend.

4 days in the meeting room of that dump, those people will go jack-a-lope crazy all those glass eyes staring. You ought to plan an outing day

The Teddy Roosevelt room is perfectly fine Would Ernest Hemingway or Jack London tremble at 503 stuffed heads on a wall? I hardly thinks so!

Next thing I know Granny's launching into a 10 min diatribe, blaming our decline in the world on the rise of metrosexuals & other girly men

She can't come up w/ Woody Allen's name, calls him "that little skinny clown" who used to be married to Mia Farrow. He's to blame apparently

“Yeah that little skinny clown, stole that little girl from Mia, I heard he's afraid 2 leave Manhattan for fear of freaking deer in suburbs"

& then she lays into poor Juan Carlos 4 using skin moisturizer. She has no problem w/ him selling Mary Kay. God forbid he uses any though.

I kno there are lots of folks trying 2 blame our country's demise on Mexicans but this is the 1st time I heard of Mexican moisturizer menace

If you lived in the constant fear of deportation--- the fear of ending your days under an unrelenting sub-tropical sun--- what would you do?

&“ltwaTgesiu Somehow I got Granny's attention back on the symposium. She started to come around to the idea of an outing day to local sites of importance

I asked her, "who can we hire to bus the group around to places?" She said, "That's easy: Grizzly Bob's brother, Pete. He's professional."

“Let me guess," I say, "compared to Yoda he's 'much taller, slightly more unsightly, just as learned.'"

“Hell no!" Granny replied, "with Pete compared to Yoda I'd say: just as tall, far more unsightly, much less learned."

I said, "And let me guess he goes by GRIZZLY PETE." Granny says, "No he goes by GRIZZLY ADAMS; he doesn't care about infringement like Bob."

Granny said Pete and Bob are fraternal twins, so the PTSD from Nam was manifested in much different ways in each.

Granny says, "Not that I'm trying to be fresh or anything, but when you say LOCAL SITES OF IMPORTANCE, just what are you talking about?"

John Burroughs site in Roxbury, I reply, the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown & Otsego County Choppers a patch East of New South Berlin

Granny’sknowledge base would not be half as extensive were it not for her passionate interest in scandal and disaster

She knows of the Summer frosts of 1816, all things Titanic, Johnstown and Vesuvius, but nothing of our local literary icon, an upright man.

Per Granny global warming is a good insurance policy against the sun-blocking dust of a volcano/asteroid strike "better warmin than chillin"

Granny: "Let all these trees grow up in place of cows you'll have to spray DDT day&night to fight off the Lyme Disease and West Nile Virus"

QuoteThe Granny: "We should be happy what happened to the Titanic with that iceberg may never be a problem ever again."

So Granny says, "let me get this straight, John Burroughs was that gay junkie who wrote Naked Lunch, right?"

I said, "No, NAKED LUNCH was WILLIAM Burroughs. John Burroughs was William's saintly twin."

“So why the hell isn't there a site in Roxbury for both of them then?" Granny asked "Because William plagiarized everything John did" I said

So Granny just about blows me away, says she's considering inviting her nephew Ned 2B a lecturer at the literary symposium at the Buckslayer

“Ned but not me?" I said. "Ned had a script optiond once&an agent, please" Granny replied. "I was publishd in a historical journal!" I said

“How does writin in a historical journal compare to Hollywood optioning your script?Anyone can write history, takes a real gift 2 crack TV."

Granny said, "You don't even have 1,200 followers on twitter, Ned has 14,000."

t"umGiS&pVodwsa2r "Since the great spam purge last week we R bout even" I said.

“Face it lady, the Ned Bubble has burst, and his haughty brand of lousy, unhelpful advice is spattered repulsively everywhere!"

“And just what % of followers did you lose in the Spam Purge?" Granny asked. "That's just not all that important for me to say, Granny."

Granny then reveals she needs Ned to help land Ronnie Bobbins 4 the symposium. Bobbins is that "do away with sleep" guru U hear about on TV.

Love Bobbins' titles: SLEEP IS FOR BABIES, SLEEP IS FOR LOSERS, 1,001 THINGS TO DO AT 4:30AM, THE COFFEE COOKBOOK, AWAKEN & SAVE THE PLANET.

Granny said she wishes she came across Bobbins when she was younger, said she feels like she's wasted 1/3 of her life in bed unnecessarily.

“Not 2 say I wouldn't still use the bed 4 other things besides sleep if I could manage 2 succeed at Bobbin's program,"Granny sez 2 me winkin

“Granny concedes Bobbins last book AWAKEN about saving the planet by ridding ourselves of mattresses is a "stretch well into crock territory"

“No 1 w/any $ in their pocket is gonna go back 2 screwin in the car like a hirsute teen. He was waning like UR now &in need of a new angle."

“Fortunately Ronnie has the teeth, smile, rock hard abs and killer cheekbone&jaw features 2survive the kind of brain fart that would end U."

“Awaken is 300+ pages though, Granny. That's a lot of greenhouse gas in that brain fart. I'm only like a mouse breaking wind in a hurricane"

Granny said using Bobbin's system she's cut her sleeping time in half. She's been using the time to write a book about, who else, Rik Smits.

I said, "That's cool Granny. Gonna self publish through your company?" She said "Hell no! The work is far too good for that!"

I guess what Granny is saying is self-publishin like sleep is 4 losers.Don't know if that will work as well for her as Bobbins w/o his looks

Bobbins: "Achieving freedom from sleep could diminish cognitive functioning, but that's where my special exercises & supplements come in."

Yeah it's called methamphetamine usage.

I asked Granny if her probation officer knew she was writing about Smits. She said it was only a rumor she got probation. She paid a fine.

She said it was up 2Smits alone 2 enforce the restraining order. Like Ewing in late May she's still working 2 wear down his defenses I think.

I said "What about those assault and battery charges, Granny, from that melee at your grandson Chuckie's T-ball game down in Orange County?"

She said that was just a matter of paying a fine also. "The whole thing was on the path to being dropped until that video appeared on Utube"

"aBAfmotuiYlyp Granny is clever. She calls Ned, reports 2 him everything I said about his bubble popping& stuff about Bobbins. He's pissed, calls Bobbins.

Bobbins learns there's a way to make me his bell boy for a long weekend, gets all excited with sweet feelings of payback for my meth crack.

You ain't gettin a room with a mattress that's 4 sure, Bobbins. If you need to get laid that weekend it'll be in the car like a hirsute teen

Granny, sweetheart that she is, gave out my cell# to Bobbins so he can reach out& berate me. Said he'll sue me if I say again he uses drugs.

“I didn't actually SAY that" I told him "Look how it's written. As far as I know UR achieving nature-defying insanity on your own w/o meth."

I said to Bobbins, "U must command a pretty big fee 4 a workshop like Granny's talking. I don't think she can really afford someone like U."

Bobbins says, "Oh, no, not to worry. Me and Granny are working it out just fine. I should do all right financially." And I'm like , "What??"

Bobbins says "I spend my time every night between 2:35 and 4:09am researching government grants and loopholes. I have a good plan 4 Granny."

“If she restructures her symposium as a non-profit venture I'll write off my 5figure fee as a donation.Then we'll tap into a literacy grant"

Bobbins continues,"People don't realize the Appalachian Region was identified special for a reason." I said, "I don't live in Appalachia!"

“Not according 2 the Appalachian Regional Commission" Bobbins says, "14 NY counties are part. Check it out w/ your iphone" "I don't have 1"

Virtually overnight Bobbins has revamped Granny's image on his website to Mother Teresa of Rural Literacy. "Venerated Lady?" VERTEBRATED yes

“I want 2 bring attention 2 Ms. Mildred Lynch a venerated crusader for rural literacy in the upper reaches of Appalachia overlooked in NYS."

Yeah when your slogan is "grammar is the bane of humanity" that makes U a crusader all right, not sure 4 literacy though.That slogan is gone

So I called Granny, or should I say LADY MILDRED, said, "That Bobbins sure has a lot of great skin care tips for men on his website there."

Like if the hotel hot tub has gone foul & the irritation is not bad enough 2 leave alone 4 a lawsuit photo, there's Ronnies RESTORATION WASH

Or if you've blistered your um, PALM dragging around a suitcase w/ defective wheels,but not bad enough 2 sue, there's RonniesBLISTER BLOCKER

Then there was this whole section on "Tips For Guy Pulchritude" I was afraid 2 click on 4 fear I'd get a cookie that would forever brand me

Went back & checked out the GUY PULCHRITUDE tips. Guess now I'll B 4ever listed in a metrosexual, girly man database. Damn I hate curiosity!

Not at all intrigued how translucent mineral powder or coconut oil mixd w/

pelbUtsg5cTaw lavender essential oil has helpd men w/ similar facial conditions

Read this interesting interview of Bobbins online.Seems like he's really painted himself in a corner w/ his new book "greenwashing" campaign

Interviewer asked him why he's publishing AWAKEN & SAVE THE PLANET traditionally when it could be sold in eco-friendly electronic form.

He sez:I am providing essential knowledge 4 the masses 4 our time It will need 2B utilized in areas that could B hostile 2electronic devices

Interviewer: Such as the bathroom? Bobbins: Precisely, such as the bathroom, w/ all its dampness. I foresee great utilization of my book there

Don’t no where Bobbin's PR wingman Vlad was that interview.Seen Utube video from past of Vlad throwing himself on the camera when it got bad

Bobbins: I've directed my publisher to utilize paper made from the pulp of ugly trees.

So that's where "ARBITER of ARBOROUS ABHORRENCE" came from--- "Triple-A-Ron" too I suppose--- from that old interview.

(Anyone impressed w/ that alliteration should know I studied the dictionary only through B. Hence my awareness of alliteration & its meaning.)

Intrvwr: Why ugly trees? Don't ugly trees produce as much oxygen as pretty ones? And just who is the arbiter of arborous abhorrence? U sir?

Bobbins: Well in studies facial symmetry in humans reliably correlate 2 genetic health. I assume the same can be extrapolated 2 tree growth.

Interviewer: But what if a tree is left to grow on the side of a Mt. where nutrients are scarce and sunlight is cast unevenly?

Bobbins: I have always said 'you just have to play the hand your dealt'.If a tree cannot summon the will to grow evenly,what do you say 2 it?

Interviewer: U talk to trees then? Coach them as people? Bobbins: that's not what I said. Interviewer: That's the impression I'm left with.

Bobbins: I’ll forgo ugly trees for paper, OK? If it makes you happy I'll recycle something, OK, to make pulp for AWAKEN AND SAVE THE PLANET!

Interviewer: And what would that material be? Juice boxes? cardboard containers? Woody bio-mass? Do say. Bobbins: Discarded railroad ties!

Oh, it seemed like such a brilliant idea at the time, didn't it Bobbins?

The dirt I've heard on Vladmir and Bobbins sounds a lot like Tim Buck II Esq. and the DA.

The DA is back in cahoots with his wife. The bar is giving Tim hell over his bright red mohawk. Tim's harping on his 1/64 Mahican ancestry.

Tim Buck II got drunk at the Black Oak last week I hear. Was overheard saying he wanted 2 change his name 2 Chingachgook if not Natty Bumppo

lhwuaptsAncIWOb “At least this bar has no problem with my bright red expression of cultural heritage," he was overheard saying.

Granny’s all stressed out; on top of all the planning she's doing for the symposium she's having to care for her 7 y.o. grandson Chuckie.

At 6'-5" and 300lbs, Chuckie is quite a handful.

On Tuesday, Chuckie's Dad was arrested at the Canadian border after authorities received a call from Chuckie's mom.

Dad forged Chuckie's birth certificate.The CFL was none the wiser. The Edmonton Eskimos were hopeful he would B their ticket 2 the Grey cup.

“What the hell was the Dad thinkin?" Granny said, "He get's those wacky CFL rules stamped on his young mind he'll be ruined 4 the real show"

Chuckie’s Dad gave him the name "Chad" knowing that 95% of men named Chad in North America go on to play professional football.

He took on the nickname "Chuckie" in 2003 when 9 mos. old and 95lbs when he won a Jon Gruden lookalike contest after the Super Bowl.

The Eskimos front office had a video teleconference with Granny's daughter to apologize for unwittingly drafting her 7 year-old son.

When they got a look at her strapping physique they asked her to try out for the team. She jumped, tangled in a wire, fell and broke her leg

Granny says one of the perils of having children with men in the top 1% for size is the possibility of a daughter who exceeds his stature.

Granny’s daughter was perfectly content with her name until she married a man named "Goosey". She switched to LUCILLE 4 a while, then 2 CINDY

I asked, ''She named for I love Lucy?" Granny said in a manner too dead pan for my liking "No, she was named for Lucifer."

Chuckie’s parents both deny through their lawyers giving Chuckie steroids. They say his insane growth is owed to BGH natural to USA food.

Granny said she has 2 keep Chuckie til the end of the summer. Said there's no way Cindy can restrain Chuckie w/ her broken leg if he acts up

I said, "How are you gonna restrain him? You're not half as big as your daughter and you're 30 years older."

“He’ll obey," Granny reassured, "That, or his ass'll get tased!"

Found out from Granny that Bobbins tried to ship a truckload of his new book AWAKEN to her in advance for book signing at the symposium.

But the shipment passed through some hot weather & the books started to bubble up tar like the discarded railroad ties they were made from.

When they reached the Big Balls Trucking terminal in Lodi the pages were found 2B all stuck together & emitting toxic fumes A load of bricks

hsArEJatinlC“ Granny said Big Balls called her& told her no way they would dare delivering a load like that in the watershed area EPA would have their ass

Granny mocked them, said, "are you telling me the Jersey mob is no longer willing to ship toxic waste into the Catskills?" "That's right."

So now Granny wants me today to take Chuckie with me, go get a bus from Grizzly Pete, and head down to Lodi to get Bobbins tar filled bricks

I said 2 Granny,what if that monster acts up,how am I gonna restrain him? He'll kick my ass! Granny gave me her taser to tuck under my belt.

She said "I've shaved him already. He'll need to poop at some point today. And you damn well better make sure he wipes himself!"

How am I gonna get him in my car to get to Pete's? "You'll just have to find a way." Granny said,"Rik had no problem drivin' a S-10 pickup "

The thing about a Suzuki Esteem is that they don't tell you which type of esteem you'll feel after you buy one. Even louvers haven't helped

When Chuckie and I arrived at Pete Adams lot we discovered his bus mocked up like the Partridge Family's and locked up with a wheel boot.

Pete said the boot was Bob's handiwork. He came off the Mt. in the middle of the PM, booted the bus&snuck off. Not nice 4 a bro or therapist

Why would he do such a thing? I asked. "I sold his baseball cards on ebay It was legit He left them w/ me in 71 I served notice a month ago"

“I think U would have a better chance of getting the keys than I would" Pete said "Bob's piercing insight fails him in his own life issues"

Reaching Bob's "home office" at the top of Slide Mt. was quite an ordeal. Thankfully I had Chuckie to carry me up the last third of the way.

Bob was trying to finish up a counseling session with a family when we arrived and went quite postal with us right in the family's presence.

Chuckie askd me if I wantd em 2 kick Bob's ass. I said: Chuckie that's not how things are done We'll talk Then we'll show the taser if need B

The family ran off like scared quail. Bob kept raging. I said "don't make me tase you, bro" Next thing Chuckie had him in headlock on ground

“For shame Bob! Putting a tire boot of your brother's hideously decorated bus in the night just because UR mad? How passive aggressive!"

“What is this? The Rabbit trying to punish the tortoise for winning the race Yeah, U know, so U have a few IQ points on Pete, he has friends"

“It’s one thing to have an Ivory tower attitude and live in an actual Ivory tower. You got nothin' but hovel, Buddy."

And I thought it was Chuckie who would be a crying mess by lunchtime.

At last Bob understood his fears regarding his twin's planned retirement to Fla. &his unrealized co-dependency &we got our key2 the tire boot.

ltPkdwy"TUYA Weren’t long on the road before I had 2 stop 2 feed Chuckie at the Plattekill rest stop. Dropped $150. I had old rice cake from floor of bus

I asked Chuckie to try to poop before we hit the road again, but he was having no progress apparently in the stall, grunting like a grizzly.

“Help Chuckie cried out, "Help me!" How am I to do that? I asked. "Sing Journey. Mommy sings Journey songs to me when it's hard to poop."

I don't even like 2 sing in my car when I'm drivin through wilderness in the winter months, much less in a public restroom w/ loud acoustics

“Just a small town girl, livin in a lonely world/she took the midnight train goin anywhere/Just a city boy, born&raised in South Detroit. ."

“He took the midnight train goin anywhere---" Chuckie interrupted me abruptly. "Yeah," he said, "that's not gonna work, Pops."

I tried to reassure Chuckie: "maybe Jersey will bring a new day. They have public crappers at every gas station" & we were on the road again

Never thought I'd get the trip to Lodi wrong, such a memorable drive, U know, somehow ended up 2 far East on the Turnpike. Fortuitous maybe.

Chuckie was in late stages of poop labor when we rolled into Vince Lombardi rest area. I Said: "B4 you poop in there just take min. 2 think"

UR about 2 take a dump at a rest area named for 1 of the greatest NFL coaches of all time. This is a great land of opportunity. Feel blessed

Don’t think Chuckie wiped himself 2 well. Getting late in the day and I didn't have it in me to enforce. $75 more on food. Kept windows down

Big Balls Trucking is located next to the impound yard the govmt uses to store property seized under RICO statutes. Lodi is like RICO city.

Big Benny Balls said it was convenient 4 the Feds when they seized his biz assets 2yrs earlier, just moved his trucks 100yds through a gate

Benny said that very AM saw wackiest thing in RICO lot: 2 Amish, 1 old, 1 young, sneaking in 2 reclaim Percheron draft horse Feds had seized

Benny said "yah shoulda saw dat fuckin big haws. Jumped dat fuckin fence wid boat dem fuckin Amish on its back. It was fuckin breathtaking!"

“Da young guy didn't have a Eliot Spitzer for President tattoo, did he?" I asked. Benny was astonished "Yeah, he did! HowdafuckdidUknowdat?"

That’s AmishRage, author of the Dukes of Intercourse trilogy. He's the punk band, Eliot Spitzer for President's new drummer, I said.

Benny lamented not getting autograph "I gave dem a fuckin map. Dare headin west down fawty-six to twenty tree. Who knows wetter day got fah"

After Chuckie&I finishd loading the bus w/ Bobbins books&after we were done cleaning ourselves w/ kerosene, I askd 2 rent a trailer from Ben

&spMwa"ch2dBE I said, "It needs 2B fuckin big enough to haul dat big haws." Benny said, "I got just what yous fuckin need." I said, "Dats fuckin great!"

The fumes from the books were real bad. I had Chuckie open all the bus windows. I think he was delirious,kept saying "I am the lizard king!"

Found AmishRage&his grandpappy on 23 in the Mtns. Pappy was very conflicted about accepting a ride. He knew it was go 2 hell or go 2 jail.

I feel bad. Saw a police car approaching&got kinda short with Pappy. I brandished the taser in my waistband, "get in the iron horse old man"

Got horse in trailer. When the trooper neared I thought we were doomed. "I'm looking for 2Amish men&a Percheron horse. Is that a Percheron?"

“No, sir," AmishRage replies 2 the cop, "That there is actually a Belgium." "Well you folks have yourselves a great day then," trooper says.

I have to give Chuckie credit, he got through most of the day without a tantrum. But he just wouldn't stop pestering me to stop off at home

Chuckie wanted his favorite build-a-bear. He went on and on about the damn thing. Could C veins poppin out of pappy's head he was so botherd

Told Pappy "I can let U out right here but I think its best 2 get U to the Catskills where your grandson's punk band can provide safe haven"

Chuckie’s mom wasn't home at the time.He went to his room, got his build-a-bear & then went 2 the refridge . Pappy was intrigued by it all.

The entire fridge was filled with tinfoil-covered bricks of compressed leaf material. "Ah," Chuckie lamented, "filled w/gerbil food again!"

“Chuckie” I asked, "Do you think your mother would mind if we took one of these bricks of em, GERBIL FOOD?"

“I don't think so," Chuckie said, "sometimes she flushes them down the toilet for fun." "like when police R at the door?" "Yeah,how U know?"

“Let’s feed the horsey some gerbil food!" Chuckie exclaimed. I said, "listen 2 me carefully Chuckie---never ever do that---promise me, OK?"

Pappy was sniffing the brick like he wanted it put inside his nose. "This smells like some mad potent shit" he said.

Seems 2 me theres more going on w/ Pappy than he lets on. He's sayin didn't know what was growin Btween his corn, was leaving it 2 make rope

Pappy seemd 2 talk about WWII a little 2 fondly: "w/ only us earnest pacifist men left around, the English ladies eyes fell heavily upon us"

Pappy seemed 2 hint he broke some sacred Amish code& was destined 2 finish his days apart from his people. He was getting all Vito Corleone.

He said it was requird now that he live out his days in a land of poor soils& bleak tourism.I said surely the Catskills would ably suit this

Thus spake Pappy: "I did what I thought I needed to do for my family and my

jtalyBCmbfcwd backyard shed manufacturing empire, and I paid a bitter price."

Pappy used to say he knew how Eliot Spitzer felt until Spitzer got all jazzed up again on the talkin box with Bernie Madoff to kick around.

Pappy’s plan is 2 live in an Amish Shed in the backyard of his grandson's girlfriend in Stoneonta. I ask:"How ya gonna live w/o runnin water?"

He said:"what are U fuckin stupid? I'm Amish! I've lived without running water all my fuckin life!" OK, chill out there, Big Balls from Lodi

‘And what about the horse?' I ask. "Yeah, we were kinda hoping you'd help us out in that department" Pappy says all meekly all of a sudden.

I called Granny to see if she might be interested in the horse, but all she wanted to know about was Pappy, what he looked like and such.

I said he looks just like any other old Amish dude U might see down there in Lancaster, what the hell more can I say? I ain't an Amish chick

Then Granny starts dumpin all these worries on me bout the plannin 4 the literary symposium at Buckslayer Motorlodge while I'm tryin 2 drive

She says Ronnie Bobbins is "tantrumin like Chuckie" w/ the prospect of sharing the stage with 503 stuffed heads in the Teddy Roosevelt room.

I said "U knew that would happen.Jackalopes& haughty metrosexuals will just not mix! Well, he's your star. Take the damn stuffed heads down"

Granny said "Can't do. The sprinkler system is contained w/in the taxidermy. Antlers have tiny nozzles that disperse water& retardant foam."

I said that aint good. Now U got college kids comin back w/ their parents 2 contend with& Woodstock at 40 B too hard now 2 change out venues

Granny said "I know, that's why I gave Bobbins back one of his platitudinous lines about overcoming adversity w/ perseverance to shame him."

She finally spit that 1out rite. If I heard PLATIPUSSINESS 1 more time I'd strangle her. Although that version does seem 2 fit Bobbins best.

Maybe we can have someone put horns on a platypus in special honor of Ronnie Bobbins arrival, king of Platypussiness. Granny:whatRUmumblin?

I asked Granny: where do you want these books delivered? It will need to be somewhere with good ventilation far from a source of open flame

“Do they function at all?" Granny askd "As books no" I replied "The pages R all fused together,as landscaping blocks they would B wonderful"

Dump em off at my place near the sheep barn, Granny said. Juan Carlos can use em to rebuild that retaining wall that washed out last spring.

Said 2 Granny:I just don't know what 2 do about this horse. Pappy will B livin in an Amish shed in an Oneonta backyard. Wants 2 keep but. . .

I dont C the problem, Granny replied, theres folk around still use horses 4 primary transportation&the municipal codes never updatd 2 Xclude

bagmitLsAcBf U can always get Tim Buck II Esq. 2 go 2 bat 4U.He can argue 1/64 Mahican ancestry give right 2 wear red mohawk in court, he can argue 4that

“Besides,” Granny said, "Everyone knows Tim's in cahoots with the DA." "Actually I heard the DA is back in cahoots with his wife," I said

So I asked Granny about her lineup 4 the symposium, whether she settled on asking her nephew Ned to present a lecture. She confirmed she had

Ned’s presentation:"Joseph Smith to Pee Wee Herman to Scatoma: a rich legacy of creative insanity along the banks of the fetid Susquehanna."

That’s just beautiful: If I object, I get completely left out. If I tolerate, I'm branded insane. Catch 22. He steals my history angle too.

And then there's the small matter of turning over control of my personal narrative to someone who simply hates my guts. It could be ruinous.

Then I rememberd Neds lecture would B taking place B4 more stuffd heads than people in the Teddy Roosevelt room of the Buckslayer Motorlodge

Who of any literary importance is gonna be there anyway?

Pappy kept trying 2 get my attention.I told him 2 "sit down & B quiet, it's tough enough 2 drive bus w/trailer on phone w/o U botherin me 2"

He said, "get off the newfangled talking contraption!" I said "This cell phone ain't newfangled -it's the size of my head from Clinton era."

Told Granny "If U count SPACEBALLS as CREATIVE INSANITY Ned could add Bill Pullman to his list. He studied his art along Susquehanna too."

Granny said "I thought Pullman went to Delhi?""He did" I said "Delhi and Oneonta both. Went on to play the US President in Independence Day"

“Which of those colleges has that strange but effective recruitment logo?" Granny asked.

You mean "Our staff suicides may B high, but it's only because our student suicides are so low" ? "Yeah, That 1" "I think that's Brockport."

“I don't know Y you'd want Ted 2 add Bill Pullman into his lecture" Granny said, "It'll only take time away from discussing your background"

“You must have something in your bio you want to keep Ted from having time to discuss. . .like your 25% endogamous, Black Dutch ancestry."

“Why would you ever think I have 25% endogamous Black Dutch ancestry? Are you stalking me from a genealogical standpoint, Granny?"

“Just making use of what's available on internet in my research of shoemaking families surviving in the isolated headwaters of the Rondout"

“It was 1998, Granny, I was young and reckless. Who knew those message board postings were going to stay around that long."

“RUstill seeking explanation for how group of pure Nordic extraction obtained

pghcbtWeas"df shell cordovan secrets hitherto known only in Cordoba Spain?"

“We found they were all baptized in the Dutch Reformed Church, Granny. We don't need to look any closer now."

Right when Granny made the crack "Just where on the road are you 4 horsemen of Apocalypse anyway?" Pappy was screaming in my ear to stop.

He said, "It's time to get off the phone with your girlfriend. You've been driving on a flat tire from Livingston Manor clear to Roscoe."

Pappy had enough of me&he and his nephew unloaded their draft horse from the trailer in the parking lot of the Roscoe Diner&headed North.

Flat was on the trailer.no spare tire.called Big Benny Balls. He said Feds returned from across street & repossessed all his equipment again

Feds said there was reason 2 believe Benny abetted Pappy the Amish Shed Don in horse caper. Benny advised 2 unhook trailer at Diner&move on.

Worried the Feds have some kinda APB out on Grizzly Pete's Partridge Family bus. Our tour next week of sites of importance will B interesting

2finish up on trip:Chuckie was sound asleep when arrive back at Grannys. He wasn't any use in unloadin toxic cargo but Juan Carlos a godsend

Juan Carlos introduced me 2 new product that works as great alternative 2 kerosene when removing tar from skin, gently cleans & exfoliates

Granny’s sense of smell was temporarily lost due2 book fumes. She didn't notice Chuckies poop stains/that I had failed2 insure proper wiping

Granny was impressed that I didn't need to use the taser on Chuckie at all. She was all praise at first for my child care abilities.

I informed an ancient Druid shaman bestowed upon an Irish ancestor ability 2remain barely sane around children 4 all time& generations 2come

Said this has enabled more than 10consecutive generations of family the ability 2have 10 or more children,born in consecutive years or less

Granny said, "That's quite a blessing." I said "After more than 10 generations you'd think there would be some consensus on that or a curse"

I said "unfortunately it leaves us more vulnerable 2 other sources of insanity" It was then Granny noticed Chuckie's poop stains,all changed

Granny claimed it was accident.When I went to remove her taser from my waistband 2 give back, trigger was pulled&she tased me on my genitals

If it was such an accident Y were U screaming at me nearly at the same time "I told you to make sure Chuckie wiped himself!" ? Seems suspect

Anyway if Chuckie doesn't need one of Juan Carlos' special butt ointments at this point, I surely do after that taser blast. The horror!

Who does Granny have listed on her website as a lecturer at the literary symposium next weekend but her older sister,Bea.A nepotism fest now

snAotrhOawCb2ygp Granny bills Bea as "an early pioneer of female sexual enjoyment&author of 2 underground treatises which even today could result in charges"

I was pissed. As if Pedro Espada's son's $120K job wasn't enough. Called & said to Granny: Let's do feudal Dark Ages right: Jeb Bush in 2012

For a country that prides itself on democracy and advancement through personal merit& talent, we've grown awfully reliant on ruling families

Washington, Hollywood,&now backwater literary symposiums,it's not how smart or determined UR that provides opportunity,it's who UR related 2

What kinda exampleR we setting4 the rest of the world. Look at North Korea, nation of 22 million people,just as much into family connections

You telling me the only person qualified to rule the country with an iron fist after Kim Jong-il is his youngest son Kim Jong-un.

Somewhere in the backwater there's a woman in her late30's w/ world-class acting talent stuck making artisan cheese because of Tori Spelling

Granny pointed out Tori's book debuted on NYT best-seller list. Yeah, see if you can accrue that much delicious dirt without a famous father

Told granny: Why don't you try to line up Tori for the symposium? You'd be better off with her than a sex guru15 years into social security

Granny said one of the mysteries of tantra is it knows no bounds with regard to age. Yeah, & she says I'm the one who's creatively insane.

Pappy the exiled Amish shed Don is havin the toughest time living in the backyard of his grandson's girlfriend in Oneonta w/ his draft horse

Neighbors R NOT happy.The visual image of 6lbs of dead flies taken out of pool adjacent2 horse placed in heap on scale not best press4 Pappy

Tim Buck II Esq tried 2 go 2 bat 4 Pappy argue horse needd 4 commutin 2 future job religious considerations & all that but no Then got loose

Ate all the pot growin in backyard of mayor's daughter's sorority house. It was simply the last straw. Even FARMERS GONE SOFT R on Pap's Ass

So Tim advised Pap to buy some time and enter horse in Delaware Co. Fair. Pap liked idea, said he was surprised, thought Tim was worthless

Granny had me pick up Ronnie Bobbin's PR wingman, Vlad at the Elmira airport. Vlad wants 2C the Buckslayer motorlodge 4 himself in advance.

Vlad said they want2 have a webcast of Ronnie's lecture but they want 2 angle the cameras in such a way that no1 can C the 503 stuffed heads

Vlad seemed like the kind of guy who would be unafraid of the toughest challenges. Then he saw the Teddy Roosevelt Room & all that changed.

Heard him mumble: "what did the fool get himself into now? This is almost as bad as his stupid idea 2make books from recycled railroad ties"

nuGmdoatcrslwT Said2 Vlad: I'm surprised UR back with Bobbins.Thought U guys had a falling out. Vlad said he hadn't gone anywhere,Bobbins been ditching him

Vlad said Bobbins complaind he was being suffocated.Vlad said he told Bobbins "URthe kind of guy whos best off that way"Then Vlad gets quiet

I said "sorry, dont get Bobbins.Know he thinks sleep is like wasting 1/3of life but I rather like sleep, better than gettin drunk sometimes"

Vlad said he was never 4 all out "freedom from sleep" as Bobbins put it but did like concept of tradin out sleep."once again he took 2 far"

Despite his unguarded venting, Vlad was soon back drinkin the Bobbins Kool- aid.Said railroad tie to book misadventure gave rise 2 great idea

“We spend so much on libraries& on book care and storage. What if books were pressure treatd like lumber &kept outside in gardens?"

Vlad hadnt thought about liabilities of pressure treated book product when users develop festering paper cuts.When I mentiond he grew sullen

I said Ronnie Bobbins of all people should have liability in the forefront of his mind.Wasnt his empire built up from a jury award 4 a fall?

“Yes in those wonderful days years ago," Vlad answered wistfully, "when the possibilities for world domination seemed almost limitless!"

Vlad came crashing back down again saying:"Sometimes I feel like my life is like being stuck in New Haven for 4 years without going to Yale"

“Look” Vlad said, "I'm having an old college buddy pick me up here in a few minutes.I would really appreciate it if you stay quiet about it"

& then his college buddy arrivd & Vlad was buoyant once more, shrieking in high pitchd tones. Who was it but Tim Buck's boyfriend, the DA.

Vlad’s letting shit fly. I really don't want 2B privy 2 his conversation w/ the DA, his fellow "Bonesman" from Yale. Some rich context there

Vlad’s got whole political scheme worked out 4 the DA. Seems Vlads all prepard 2 abandon Bobbins as PR wingman. I'm standin at dirt epicenter

This is Vlads vision 4 DA: Andrew Cuomo beats Patterson in primary&goes on 2 become governor,opening race 4 new attorney general, DA goes AG

DA gets all insecure. I hear him say to Vlad, "But I've developed a reputation for tolerating petty corruption. I'll get hit hard on that"

Vlad replies:Yeah, but you've come down hard on some of the big stuff. Look where that puts you.People will remember that at the ballot box.

Vlad jumped into the DA's convertible, said he was going off for lunch with pal. Ask when will U B back to set up webcams? Vlad said, dunno

Granny arrived at the Buckslayer in pickup filled with lumber and power tools. Chuckie was with her. Said she needed me to supervise Chuckie

She said no supervision needed 4 his use of power tools, he'd B OK there, rather,

V"blapdmDtAC make sure adaption of name on Motel sign is spelled right.

Name needs to converted to PEARL S. BUCK MOTORLODGE or else Ronnie Bobbins may bail on appearance. He's already listed PSB Motorlodge on web

I said: Granny, nice to spring this on me last minute. I haven't even delivered the hashish to Dooley yet or worked out his menu or shopping

“Just so you know, Granny, the air conditioning unit is 30yo & leaks freon like a sieve" Granny said Bea is at bat 1st & likes heat no worry

“Calls it nature's 1st aphrodisiac." I reply:"thought people say that bout Winter. . .I'm just glad I'm pickin up Bobbins from airport then"

Then Tim BuckII Esq showd up his mohawk redder narrower & spikd higher than ever saw B4 lookd like white leghorn rooster.He's pissed bout DA

Said he got a call from DA's wife. She said she assumed DA was w/Tim, DA was slapping on cologne like madman in AM.Tim told her:No not w/ me

Tim "learned" DA used credit card2 buy gas in Bainbridge, came out 2C what was going on. Also, c if Pappy can B signed up 2 attend symposium

Tim said horse developd a hankerin for cannabis at some point. Got loose during fair & knockd over every long-haired type who smelled of pot

Tim said cops were ambivalent about Belgium Bcause horse helpd collar 15 druggies but had 2 consider the safety of hemp rope carrying public

So Pappy and his horse were banned from premises even though the horse won pull contest. Some said pot could have enhanced his performance.

Said2Tim: "I can't see how Bainbridge would have any ordinances banning horses. Pappy can stake him out on the side lawn there 4 weekend."

Tim said "You dont understand; if that horse isn't locked up inside 1 of these motel rooms here, I'm afraid something terrible will happen"

Tim said he gave Pappy one of his newfangled talking contraptions to use in an emergency. Last heard, Pappy buying sandwich in Masonville.

U could C Chuckie was struggling w/ the sign project. Told Granny "I know he's been working construction w/ his father yrs but he's only 7"

I said "look at how Chuckie cuddles that build-a-bear when he takes a break. That boy's overwhelmed. Wheres Juan Carlos? Can't he help him."

Granny said Juan Carlos was making such good progress rebuilding the retaining wall back at the sheep barn she didnt want 2 break his stride

Then I thought to ask where Ned was. Askd Y he wasnt around 2 help out w/ things. Granny said he was a last minute scratch, wasnt comin now

Granny said Ned felt not good 4his career or stomach 2 lecture beside his 80 yo grandma w/ her treatises from 1950 on female sexual pleasure

Guess Neds comments on the matter were: "UNLOCKING THE SECRETS OF TANTRA? Damn Grandma UR almost 80 now! U ought 2keep that shit locked up!"

mbts.gfcPewG I ask"who do U have to replace Ned?" Granny said, that's something I prefer to keep as a surprise. I said "good I got a bomb to drop on U 2"

Granny was driven nuts w/ curiosity wondering what dirt I had on her. Its 1 of the perils of having 2 much dirt to keep track of I suppose

Granny was trying 2 hold me up from getting over 2 Andes 2 meet w/ Dooley & make sure his catering was in order. Told Granny to stew on it.

Chuckie did as well as could for 7 year old:wood supposed 2 cover SLAYER slipped down and covered over MOTOR makin PEARL S. BUCKSLAYER LODGE

Dooley offendd w/offerin of hashish brick said he can do classic french entrees in any kind of weather 2 just wantd bad ass rep like TV chef

Said to Dooley: And I suppose next you'll tell me you weren't thrown out of Delhi. Dude, he said, I graduated hospitality program w/ honors.

Left brick w/ him anyway. Got 2 thinkin maybe he was just sayin that stuff RE graduatin w/honors not wantin 2 admit French cuisine handicap.

While I was away from the Buckslayer, Pappy finally arrived with his horse. Horse promptly consumed the entirety of Chuckies Build-a-Bear.

Chuckie made comment from what he saw bear may have been "filled w/ Gerbil food". Horse was acting up & placed in motel room reservd 4 pappy

Pappy made comment as he traded sultry glances with Granny's sister Bea "Don't matter anyhow, w/ any luck I won't be sleepin there tonight."

Only way to get Chuckie 2 calm down over loss of build-a-bear was 2 promise 2 get him a new one in Binghamton tomorrow when pick up Bobbins

Opening night of symposium at the Buckslayer bar reminiscent of the Mos Eisley Cantina on Tatooine. Wonder where Pappy and Tantra Bea went?

Pappy’s horse was still flipping out trashing his room until about an hour ago. All has been quiet there since. Bea's room is another story.

I’m taking heat 4 food at breakfast. No one cares much 4 Dooleys BREAKFAST CALZONES. Can't tell if this is a sign of his hashish use or not.

Multiple crisis occurring at once.Tim Buck returns,says I'm covering up 4 DA. I said as friend was only trying 2 spare his feelings RE Vlad.

Tim is worried bout his relationship w/ Cathy, DA's wife.Cathys accusin Tim of lyin RE DA's whereabouts.Tim askd her "have I ever lied 2UB4?

Tim told Cathy "I've always been a great admirer of your fortitude. Dina McGreevey could have learned a lot from U. Please don't ruin this."

I spilled the beans bout both being bonesmen, Tim asked where two members of treasonous occultist group would go to plot world domination?

Said "that's easy: Deer Isle in St. Lawrence upstate, a hairs breadth from Canada" Not sure if still use isle 2 plot there but gets Tim away

GkpsdaDgHmhCAlctN Then there was the matter of Pappy's horse. Turns out there was an unpleasant reason why got so quiet in the horse's room last night. ODd?

If only the air condition system was working properly the thing wouldn't be half as bloated. There was only one person to call: Winchmaster

You know---Winchmaster: "I may have lost my job on the downer stock market, but I found new one in the downer livestock market."

Winchmaster: "I have a winch on my rig that can thread a dead camel through the eye of a needle."

Pappy’s a mess. Askin himself what kind of Amish man can he B placin the satisfaction of base needs B4 the welfare of his best draft animal

Really waylaid w/ the dead draft horse in room #13. FARMERS GONE SOFT caught wind literally &showed up 2take pictures of Winchmaster at work

After horse loaded, couldn't get the Esteem started. Asked Winchmaster, since he was headed to the rendering plant in Binghamton anyway. . .

asked whether he could help pick up Ronnie Bobbins from the airport, also stop by Oakdale Mall for teddy bear. Great sport that Winchmaster.

Ideally if it's summer & U have a bloated horse carcass on your rig, you'd want 2 drop it off 1st B4 pickin up famous guru from the airport.

But Chuckie convinced Winchmaster to go to the mall 1st to look for a new Build-a- bear &that killed time slotted 4 rendering plant drop off.

Turns out Binghamton doesn't even have a build-a-bear store. Winchmaster is a soft touch, was talkin bout takin Chuckie back2 Middletown 4-1

I said: No way! UR going2B 8 soon! U don't need another! When we get to plant we'll have retrieved from entrails. Chances R swallowed whole

Somehow Chuckie refraind from kickin my ass. Wish I had a cell phone w/ a camera feature 2 take picture of expression on Bobbins face RE rig

I said, "welcome to to the Northern reaches of Appalachia long overlooked in New York State!"

Bobbins not at all pleased 2 ride w/ dead horse 2 the renderin plant.He swore car was followin w/ some1 w/ video camera. Said thats just FGS

Bobbins said "drop me off at local retail, I dont want 2B taped going into a rendering plant." So we dropped him off at Stoneys Hydroponics.

Bobbins said people will think he's up 2 no good in Stoney's.I said Stoney's motto is: "It's not just about growing pot in the hall closet."

They succeeded in retrieving Chuckies bear from horse's gut at plant. Let me tell U nothin like it 2 break older child's dependence 2 bear.

Squad from Farmers Gone Soft had Ronnie Bobbins pinned down in grow light section at Stoney's seeking comment on camera what he was doing.

Bobbins burst out in tears, said he hadn't slept in months, and wasn't sure what

rafeslwOdbtYiU was happening right then was a hallucination or not.

Have 2say Winchmaster really knew how hook emotional lifeline on poor Bobbins & drag his ass the hell out of there. "Been there Bud" says he

On way 2 Bainbridge Bobbins fell asleep in rig Insistd later was only restin his eyes Wasnt happy his room had no mattress Hey, savin planet

Mood back at symposium was bleak. Bea's lecture not well received. Anyone who would have ordinarily enjoyed 2 hungover. All others repulsed.

Pappy wanderd off in2wilderness in Jean Paul Sartre world of hurt.Dooleys food universally revild.Granny screamin at me worried bout her rep

Granny saw Bobbins dozin in fetal position in corner of room "I thought I booked a literary star not a literary character---Rip Van Winkle!"

“My word," Granny said, "This must be how poor Sarah Palin has been feeling."

“A cadre of incompetents glom on2 a star like that, spells nothing but ruin. Look what Cheney, Rumsfeld &Rove did2 wreck the Bush franchise"

“RU suggestin I'm part of a cadre of incompetents bringing U down, Granny?" "Not sayin that at all," she says. "Being sarcastic?" "No, not."

“Your deadpan is killing me Granny." "Good," she says, "It's doing its job."

Granny said she's creeped out by guest said hes writing bout a lady on CIA assassination team in 60's who retires 2 sheep ranch in country.

She said she thinks it might B some1 from the company sent out 2 tighten her up.Granny askd "Just what the hell R U puttin on that Twitter?"

I use Twitter to post my most embarrassing, innermost thoughts&strangest ideas ---like everyone else. U mean 2 say you don't read? "Hell no"

Asked Granny if bad stuff happens 2 the assassination team lady in guys story like being shot havin fingernails pulled out or stabbed in eye

She was told character decided to convene a literary symposium in an out of the way place, all goes wrong, then visited upon by an assassin

Yeah, that sounds like U. I'd find out if U get shot, have your fingernails pulled out or if you get stabbed in eye. Why suffer curiosity?

Granny says: "I get it! This is a prank! This is the bomb you said you were gonna drop on me! You found some actor to mess with my mind!"

“No that's not the bomb," I said, "The bomb is that you're Che Guevara's fifth cousin via the Lynch Clan of Ireland."

“Oh, tell me somethin I don't know, Cowboy" Granny said "Ive known about cousin Che 4 near 45 years now!" I said "U were huntin him though!

Of course, that was part of the trap we were trying 2 set 4 him---Lynch family reunion in the jungle of Bolivia. He blew me right off though

Apparently he thought my invitation to drink green beer, dance a jig and eat corn

wdeul“sa-bocCr beef shaped like a leprechaun together was 2 over the top

Told Granny: If I was Che & it was 1967 in Bolivia I'd be wondering how U would get a corn beef shaped like a leprechaun without CIA's help

“I don't know Granny. Seems to me U sabotaged the ambush. U must have had some warm woodpile kinship feelings somewhere 4 the lousy Commie."

“I did not sabotage the ambush!" Granny objected, ""There's just no way I could ever have warm woodpile kinship feelings for that bastard!"

“In my mind he was no different than any of the assignments I had---a woodchuck 2 get out of the tomato patch--- nothin more nothin less."

Yeah, well, it looks like maybe you've become a woodchuck to get out of the tomato patch in someone's mind. Good luck with that one.

So I said 2 Granny "If your stalker guest's intention is 2 kill U, seems like he's the type 2 toy around w/ U first like cat does a mouse."

Part of the dude's thrill is to make you squirm first. Maybe if you deny him the satisfaction he's looking 4 he'll move on 2 another victim.

“Yeah&mayB N. Korea will end their nuke program b/c we ask nicely" Granny scoffed"Take it from some1 who knows, he's locked on 2me&me alone"

Told Granny "If it's any comfort 2 U, after U are gone, I will feel really, really guilty about enjoying all this. I mean really guilty."

Didn’t tell Granny but the dude says he's writin about retired CIA assassin hostin lit symposium looks lot like actor in that genital wart ad

But if I didnt hire guy 2 scare Granny, who did? Who among the thousands shes pissed off over the years could B responsible? A real mystery.

Granny said good a time as any 2 drop her bomb on me RE Neds replacement 2 lecture. If she was gonna be snuffd out wantd 2C my expresion 1st

I Said: Fine Granny. Who you got? Please tell or I'll die soon. . . like U

Granny said:the real Donna Martin, author of HOW TORI SPELLING IN 90210 INSPIRED ME TO STAY CHASTE & RISE HIGHER IN POVERTY IN BUFFALO, NY

Granny said the real Donna Martin managd 2 work her way through college but shes still in poverty Bcause her masters degree was in fine arts

Granny said with Donna Martin's income woes, she's been struggling to keep up with her plastic surgery bills and high end shopping expenses.

One day she paid a fortune to repair her snowblower, then saw Sally Struthers on TV hawk a correspondence course for small engine repair.

I guess the work has been tough on her nails, but for life in the lake effect snow region,no job more important than snowblower repairperson

Donna is apparently finishing a follow up to her inspirational autobiography: TORI SPELLING GAVE ME HOPE, BUT SALLY STRUTHERS GAVE ME WINGS

bgweptslIMhTrS Donna is calling herself the hottest virgin over age 35 in America, but this only aroused skepticism she found hard to answer.

She went 2 a Hollywood Doctor 2 prove she was still intact but many asked if she could still B considerd a virgin after exam by Hollywood Dr

Granny said shes hoping primal interest in Donna's sexual purity will draw attention away from Ronnie Bobbins, whos apparently still comatose

People R all askin Granny Y Bobbins is spendin so much time in his room if not supposd 2B sleepin. Granny was at a loss told: hes doin taxes

Granny said she made mistake mentioning booking of Donna Martin to Dooley. Dooley was having tough enough time tryin to nail French cooking

Now Dooleys thoughts seem only 2B on nailing the hottest virgin over the age of 35 in America. The catering seems destined 2 further suffer.

Granny’s been real anxious bout self-pub presentation. I askd: how U know not part of anxiety bout threat of death. She said:feels different

Grannys cute:"Hate 2 ask U 4 this favor, not that I care bout burdening U, just that it could B taken as a show of weakness on my part. . ."

What Granny asks 4 is 4 me 2 look over her sales spiel script 2 promote her vanity press. Just awful, uses sheep 4 metaphor 2 much 4 writers

Granny:"Some sheep U figure are good 4 both wool & mutton, some 4 only 1 or the other. Some sheep U will only want 2 string up right away."

Yeah, wasnt quite followin.Told Granny "U just cant go into the Teddy Roosevelt room w/ this stuff, you'll B 1st 2 bring shame 2 the venue."

Granny said, "heard U R pretty good at pulling shit out of your ass existentialtaneously. Maybe U can do the promo 4my press 2 the gatherin"

Said2Granny: “I’ll do the promo if u release me from debt. This whether I suck or not. No bellboy. No tour guide. I go home&U leave me alone"

Granny didn't know if could agree w/ those terms said Dooley's food has been so awful. She askd whether I truly delivered his hashish 2 him.

I said thats an insult granny, course I did. She said whats wrong w/the shit then. I said:Take it up w/ your daughter came out of her fridge

Granny yelled:U stole Cindy's Hashish? A disabled woman! I said: I didn't steal anything, Chuckie gave me a brick. MayB Dooleys not using it

Said 2Granny: If Cindy needs hashish to deal with the pain of her broken leg she should be set to have a broken limb for the next 260 years.

“Hate 2 say but I wish Juan Carlos never got back over the border. I woulda been 1 2 shear your flock that day & been done w/ my debts 2 U."

Granny finally agreed if I do promotional speech 4 GrannyM Press she'll release me from further obligation to her or her symposium disaster.

Granny said if I make fun of her in speech, especially in a way she cant figure

acswiotprenI2f out right away, she'll hammer me in the ground like a post

Said 2 Granny: I need 2organize my thoughts. She said ain't time 4that now. She said I needed 2give promo speech pronto, while dessert served

Besides Granny said, nothing says 'this comes straight from the heart' like something pulled out of your ass. U know: extemperaturanusly.

Said 2Granny: At least Vlad never got the chance to set up the webcams. Granny said:whatcha mean? I had cameras put in, linked to my website

Granny said traffic 2her site is rising. Bobbins wasnt 2keen on the stuffed heads being in view but drawing a lot of attention in cyberspace

Granny: It also helps I have Donna Martin, the hottest virgin over the age of 35 in America, 2 place at table 1 in full view of the cameras.

Great, now I have to pull a speech in praise of an evil woman out of my ass and deal with webcams and the hottest +35 virgin gawking at me 2

So there I stood at the podium at the head of the TR room, sweating like a bank regulator in church, all those eyes staring human& jackalope

As I looked out across the room could see Dooley makin his way round the room with a dessert cart, usin a blow torch 2 light flaming fondue

There Donna Martin sat beneath an elk horn chandelier radiating virginal beauty.Dooley lockd eyes w/ her& droppd his blow torch on his foot.

Dooley hopped in circle smarting then burnt hand pickin up torch.Donna giggled.Dooley flashd an embarrassed smile.Donna looked down, then up

Thought I was gonna vomit, then somehow got some words out: "Four score and seven days ago, in a galaxy not so far, far away. . ."

“. . .Granny Mildred Lynch fortuitously forgot to take her meds and set forth the proposition there should be a literary symposium. . ."

“. . .where blogger and smut writer, zombie scribe & truckdriver poet, would put aside their kumbaya revulsion and commune in unity. . ."

“. . .And feast on the mighty breakfast calzone of literary imagination. . ."

“. . .let's all acknowledge Granny 4 makin this all happen. Its Granny& Granny alone who is responsible, lets make sure 2remember this. . ."

I know my speech was lame. My mojo was failin me. Didn't help that Dooley was workin hard 2 upstage me.Twirlin 2 blow torches 2 light fondue

Was having trouble coming up with my next lines, kept hearing Granny's analogies in my head comparing writers to sheep, some to string up.

Not that I was competing 4Donna Martin's attention but U could tell she was only interested in Dooley &his stupid blow torches. I was nothin

Dooley’s flaming fondue was working wonders on morale. Heavy alcohol use couldn't do much more. I coulda been saying anything, didn't matter

osbidragp“w In fact, I WAS saying anything &it didn't matter. I don't know why I was feeling so uptight about lying that Granny had a great self-pub biz

No one was paying heed anyway. Dooley was putting on show. Know pizza guys are good at throwing dough up in air, didn't know blow torches 2.

And then it happened: Dooley's eye lingered just a little too long on Donna Martin, and he dropped the torches, breaking the neck off one.

Fortunately no one was burned but a fireball erupted beneath Donna's table. The table caught fire &the fire suppression system was triggered

Water and fire retardant foam began cascading down from tiny nozzles in the antlers on the 503 stuffed heads in the room.

Met Granny on the side lawn clear of fire zone. She smacked me in side of head for med crack. I said"Granny, I compared U w/ Mother Teresa!"

Just then I realized I was standing in a deposit left over from Pappy's horse. I told Granny I was done with her and her sick, twisted world

I got in my Esteem, managed to start it, and went home to relax to the sound of rushing water outside my window.

Spent next day relaxed at home on the phone w/bank trying2 sort out my mortgage mess. Anything fun compared 2 dealing w/Granny. Cut lawn hay

Thought at some point to check my email. Dial up was even slower than usual. Got to thinking a squirrel had been gnawing on phone line.

Got all these emails from people commentin on the viral Utube video of my speech at the Buckslayer. Apparently people find the clip amusing

Something bout scene o cheesy speech, smitten blow torch juggler, fireball, hot 35yo virgin&503 stuffed heads emittin foam sparkd imagination

So I'm clicking through all these video clips in a file called BUCKSLAYER MOTORLODGE SYMPOSIUM & I see this 1 called MURDERED BODY REMOVAL?

It’s this video clip of Granny and Juan Carlos dragging a rolled up carpet with something heavy in it down a hallway, out into parking lot.

Went 2Granny's website. She posted a response 2the video. "Apparently U cant carry a soiled carpet 2 your car anymo w/o havin police called"

“like I would host a literary symposium to lure in someone to murder! Thats insane! Actually thats not insane, thats great material to use!"

My thoughts were with Larry, the genital warts ad actor hired by someone 2 scare Granny, now backfill probably 2 that rebuilt retaining wall

Just then who calls but Granny. She said the symposium group went out 2 the local sites of importance with Grizzly Pete & Chuckie got loose.

I said "That's just nice Granny, use your 7 year-old grandson to lure me into one of your ambushes! You ain't whackin me if I can help it!"

sgMtamr3iGo She tried to reassure me she wasnt looking to whack me. Said Chuckie got loose in Oneonta &may be rushing a fraternity. Just needed my help

Granny said shes surprised I'm lockd on 2the idea like so many others that a video clip of her carryin rolled carpet means she whacked some1

“whos2say, in light of the rough way the symposium has gone down, Im not now embracin my bad ass side& stagin something bad ass 4publicity"

“Granny” I said "If ever there was a person whose bad ass rep was already complete& perfect, it would be you. Ain't buyin your cover story"

Granny said "How do you know I haven't thought the stunt out far enough 2 include a questionable cover story 2lend the appearance of guilt?"

I said "show me Larry, the dude who was writing about you, that he's alive and well &maybe I'll think differently. He's an actor by the way"

I knew he was an actor from the start, Cowboy. I was going along. If anyone needs 2pay close attention 2genital warts ads it's me believe me

How do I know U didnt find his SAG card in his wallet, lookd up his credits online? Maybe UR just sayin that bout close attention to wart ad

So I ended up going out to Oneonta 2 search for Chuckie, not as a favor 2 Granny, but out of concern 4 that boy in the hands of a fraternity

Along the way I learned all the latest dirt on the crew: Apparently Donna Martin wants to have children with Dooley---artificially that is.

Donna still wants to hold on to her title as the hottest virgin over the age of 35 in America, but can't pass on a chance to have an heir.

Dooley had an extra turkey baster that's been pressed into service. That was about where in conversation with Dooley I said I needed to go.

Ronnie Bobbins was still in bad shape. Thought maybe he was one rolled up in carpet if not Larry the ad actor. Bobbins needed hospitalization

When this was discovered night before tour, Granny told Grizzly Pete to drop him off at some point the next day at the hospital in Oneonta.

I guess the group went to Otsego County Choppers first, got engrossed in shooting the turkey catapult and forgot Bobbins in the hot bus.

By time they reached the hospital in Oneonta it was almost a scene out of Weekend at Bernie's. Then Grizzly Pete arrested and bus seized.

Seems Feds were in town looking to nab Pappy the Amish shed Don, accused Pete of aiding and abetting w/bus. He demanded to take a polygraph.

Meanwhile in time it took Pete2 clear his name, group was forced2 trade out baseball hall of fame 4 soccer hall of fame. Most just hit bars

That’s when Chuckie got loose& joined a fraternity chasing a sorority up the street.When we found him wont say what thing was about 2 happen

Oceaw2obits Just remember yellin at some sorority sister,"Unhand that child! What U R on the verge of doing 2 him is a class A felony in all 50 states!"

At some point I met up with Granny. She put me on the phone with Larry the genital wart ad actor to prove she didn't murder him.

Larry said Granny paid him 2make himself scarce as part of a publicity stunt so he joined some friends on remote island in the St. Lawrence

I said, "you haven't by chance seen an attorney with a red mohawk skulking around up there, looks like an angry white leghorn rooster?"

Larry was astonished. "Howdafuckdoyouknowbouthim? That kook has been trying to row a tiny inflatable raft out our island all week."

I said "you're a Bonesman and the best gig you can get is a genital wart ad? What's the deal there?" Must have hit a sore spot. He hung up.

“Do you know how many hits I've had on my website in last week?" Granny asked,"Take your twitter follower numbers& multiply by 100. I win"

Yes Granny, there's no denying it---you're a winner

------

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