Granny Lynch Rents the Buckslayer Motorlodge in Bainbridge for a Literary Symposium A Tweet Story written from June to September 2009 by @Scatoma Mildred Lynch aka “Granny”: a retired CIA assassin who lives in rural Hamden, NY, where she raises Dorset sheep and runs embroidery and vanity press side businesses. She is a stalker fixated on retired NBA legend, Rik Smits. Scatoma: An underachieving upstate NY writer. His only publishing credit is in an historical journal--- a short biography of ancestor known to be The Minstrel Song King of the Nickelodean Era. Scatoma lives in a sportsman shack built too close to the river and drives a Suzuki Esteem. He becomes financially indebted to Granny and is compelled to help her carry out an ill-contrived plan to promote her publishing business by convening a literary symposium at the Buckslayer Motorlodge. Lucy aka “Cindy” Goosey: Granny’s daughter, mother to Chuckie. She is large, strapping woman of Amazon proportions. She is a major hashish dealer in Orange County, NY. She sends Chuckie to stay with Granny for the summer after she breaks her leg. Chuckie Goosey: Granny’s grandson. He is 6’-5” and 300lbs at 7 years-old. Chuckie’s father forges his birth certificate to make Chuckie eligible to the CFL draft. Chuckie is drafted by the Edmonton Eskimos before the scheme is revealed. Juan Carlos: An illegal alien from Mexico who provides sheep shearing services to Granny. He also is Granny’s Mary Kay supplier and is a font of skin care knowledge. Ned: Granny’s nephew. An aspiring TV writer who had a script optioned once. He is initially engaged to present a lecture at the symposium. Ned has more followers than Scatoma on Twitter and Scatoma derides him as a purveyor of haughty unhelpful advice. Tantra Bea: Granny’s older sister and author of two early treatises from the 1950’s on female sexual pleasure. She is called upon to present a lecture at the symposium amid Scatoma’s protest of nepotism. She is Ned’s grandmother. Ronnie Bobbins: An internationally known self-help author who promotes gaining wealth through lawsuits, pulchritude for men, and the elimination of sleep. He is the top headliner engaged to lecture during the symposium. He is prone to public relation gaffes, yet he has grown tired of close PR management by his “wingman“ Vladmir. Grizzly Pete Adams: Owner of a small tour bus company. He is Grizzly Bob Adams’ twin brother. He is called upon to provide bus service to assist Granny’s enterprise. Grizzly Bob Adams: a Vietnam veteran who provides unlicensed family therapy from a hovel on the top of Slide Mountain in the central Catskills. Tim Buck II Esq.: An Oneonta, NY attorney who represents arrested college students in public urination and capital murder arrests. He is trying to overcome rumors he is carrying out an affair with the local DA. He claims to be a childhood friend of Paul Ruebens of Pee Wee Herman fame. He begins invoking his 1/64 Mahican ancestry and begins wearing a Mohawk. AmishRage: An Amish teenager who sneaks off the farm to text, get tattoos and bMhdkasVe score with Goth chicks. Despite these interesting activities, he is preoccupied with writing a lousy fictional work called “Dukes of Intercourse.” He is the grandson of Pappy, the Amish shed Don. AmishRage dates a punker chick who belongs to a punk band in Oneonta, NY called “Eliot Spitzer for President”. He becomes the band’s drummer. Pappy: An Amish farmer of ill-repute and Don of a backyard shed empire. He is the target of government probe. His assets are seized under RICO statutes. As a result he is forced to live in exile in a land of poor soil and bleak tourism. Farmers Gone Soft: A radical off-shoot of Future Farmers of America. They advocate discontinuing use of farm animals for food while preventing the animals from going extinct. The group become involved in protesting treatment of Pappy’s draft horse. Dooley: Proprietor of “Dooley’s Pizza” of Andes, NY. He is an early advertiser on Scatoma’s Twitter account. He later lobbies Scatoma to obtain a catering contract for Granny’s symposium. Donna Martin: a resident of Buffalo, NY who was inspired to remain chaste after Tori Spellings’ character on 90210 of her same name does so. Donna writes an inspirational autobiography and is selected to speak at Granny’s symposium, where she bills herself as “The hottest virgin over the age 35 in America.” Larry the Genital Wart Ad Actor: An actor hired by someone to pose as an author writing a story similar to Granny’s life in order to scare her. It is later feared that he was murdered. @DooleysPizza Andes, NY. Pride of the Pepacton Watershed. "We put the Italians down Rt.28 to shame." @AmishRage I know it's every Amish boy's dream to leap the nag and cart over the state hwy, but Dukes of Hazard has already been done B4. Dooley shouldn't put down the Italians. Who knows if he is 1 2. His mother was Dooley, his father had a winning smile and a confident manner After leaving Delhi Tech he hit a curb and made it all the way to Andes before the rubber was off the rim entirely. Been there ever since @DooleysPizza Oops. Sorry Dooley. I mean it man. @DooleysPizza Luigi's $12 means nothing to me in comparison to our friendship, Dooley. @DooleysPizza I told him I would not mention his place, down Rt. 28 in Bovina, or mention his reasonable prices either. No worries. “Pride of the Pepacton watershed" was mine. I gave that away. Now Dooley has it trademarked. Tells me I can't use it He calls ME the traitor @GrannyMPress Self-publishing for self-taught & stubborn "Grammar is the bane of humanity" Also, embroidery and Dorset sheep Downtown Hamden She didn't like "Redneck publisher." She's afraid she would elevate the term. Anyway, books aren't just for burnin any more. If I dip below 900 Granny's gonna cut me back $2. hefstdDr@mAI Granny M never got over there to Woodstock, but her ex has often said she likely slept with someone once who did. @AmishRage an Amish kid sneaking off the farm 2 text, get tattoos and score with Goth chicks doesn't need 2 bother w/ fiction. See Granny M @AmishRage Whatta yah mean how much are her Dorsets? Please check out @StoneysHydroponics "It's not just about growing pot in the hall closet" Webb Rd. Binghamton, just past the rendering plant Stoney says his name is really Stone thats why people started callin him that And I'm sure his high electric bill can B completely explained A lot of new accounts today. I'll post them soon. Please check them out. Tim Buck II Esq. Public urination arrests and capital murder "It's a lie I'm in cahoots with the DA" Equidistant to the colleges Oneonta, NY Winchmasters: "I lost my job on the downer stock market, but I found a new one in the downer livestock market" near Al Turi dump, Goshen, NY Winchmasters: "I have a winch on my rig that can thread a dead camel through the eye of a needle." Tim Buck has a higher conviction % than the DA, that's for sure. I figure When 2 people are in love, it's really no 1 elses business anyway. Yeah apparently winchmasters wife had other plans 4 the severance check You think hauling dead livestock is ugly u wait until they hit court Grizzly Bobs Fam Therapy 4X4 requird "Don't be scared by my looks, I know what I'm doing" Top of Slide Mt. Rock salt @ most points of trail Grizzly Bob's Family Therapy: "Think of the arduous journey to and from my home office as essential bonding for you and your family." Grizzly Bob's Family Therapy: "Compared to Yoda I'm much taller, slightly more unsightly, just as learned." Grizzly Bob: "My months of survival behind enemy lines in Nam gives me the unique experience required to provide healing to your family." Grizzly Bob's Family Therapy: "My last name is actually Adams, but I don't want to infringe." I guess when you've gone unlicensed since like the 1980's, squatting on state land just as long, why stop now? Too bad the state sold off all their helicopters, they could have done something to shut him down. Otsego Co. Choppers Tricked out farm equip. for Halloween/everyday fun. Hurl bloody silage 150ft. South New Berlin,W.of W.Laurens &W.Oneonta Only thing about OCC (North) if u buy a demonstration model, have them powerwash good. I think I got salmonella from their turkey catapult sG@cIAtephdouijbg Granny M actually passed on AmishRage's "Dukes of Intercourse", but he'll get his choice of ram lamb next spring in a three-figure deal. “We are Farmers Gone Soft (FGS) of the Lower Leatherstocking Region, a renegade offshoot of the FFA." “We believe farm animals shouldn't be used for food, but shouldn't be allowed to go extinct either." “It’s a tough problem, we know, but we're arming ourselves with acronyms." “Here’s one: WAHM-MILF" “When Animals Hate Mankind, Mankind Is Left Friendless." “We understand the term MANKIND is outdated, but we like the response we've been getting with that one and don't want to tinker now." Scatoma doesn't necessarily endorse the views of FGS, but does endorse pocketing their $6.45 Going "hiking on the Appalachian Trail" for about one week.